Original subtitles

(SERGEI PROKOFIEV: "THE CRUSADERS IN PSKOV" PLAYING)

CAM: Still drinking?

Abbie, you still drinking?

(TOILET FLUSHING)

Sixty seconds!

PROKOFIEV CHORUS: ♪ Peregrinus expectavi

♪ Pedes meos in cymbalis ♪

Thirty seconds!

- (INCREASING MUSIC VOLUME) - ♪ Peregrinus expectavi

- ♪ Pedes meos in cymbalis ♪ - CAM: Are you deaf?

- (REMOTE CLICKING) - (MUSIC STOPS)

- Fuck! - (VIDEOGAME: SKATEBOARD ROLLING)

Ten seconds. Hurry up.

(SLURPING)

Huh?

Time!

(VIDEOGAME: SKATEBOARD ROLLING)

Oh, well.

(SNIFFING)

See if you don't quit this time.

It smells like a fucking fart bag over here.

All right.

Round six in three, two, one...

- Three minutes. - (VIDEOGAME: SKATEBOARD ROLLING)

Hold still.

I said hold still. I'm trying to get focus.

You spill one drop, I'm calling it.

Looks like it's dribbling down your chin. I'll disqualify you.

I will kick you out unless you can learn how to drink like a fucking human.

I am a human.

CAM: You sure?

Where'd you get these?

ABBIE: Dallas got 'em from Arin Bechdel.

Arin Bechdel got 'em from, I don't know, some sales guy at work.

And then I got 'em from Dallas,

so I gotta beat 'em all before I gotta give 'em back.

Aren't you afraid of Arin?

No. Why would I be?

I think you're afraid of Arin.

Trying to beat these?

No, I'm just trying to flip the world.

I think you can only do it in San Francisco.

Just go up, down, and the quarter pipe four times,

slide rail halfway down the pipe,

jump over the right side, ollie out, land on the cage.

I only did it once by accident,

but... the whole level, it flips upside down.

The screen freezes and shakes for a little bit.

Now, they're gonna fix this before the game comes out next year,

but it is a good glitch.

- Trying to find the glitches? - Yeah.

Because you can't really beat this game.

(VIDEOGAME: SKATEBOARD ROLLING)

It's the new fucking Shadowgate. That game's impossible.

It's gonna take you weeks.

- I sa.. I saved Kal Torlin. - Huh.

- Escaped all three towers. - What about this one? Huh?

Ah. I escaped the asylum.

Whoa.

Thirty seconds.

(VIDEOGAME: SKATEBOARDER GRUNTING)

Huh.

Pac-Man? Says it's the arcade version.

Yeah, I don't really like the old games.

- You don't like the old games? - They're hard.

Ten seconds.

Come on.

Four. Three. Two.

- (SLURPING) - One! Time!

Whew.

- That was close. - (ABBIE GROANING)

You gonna blow?

You sure?

I just have to pee.

Oh. There's a bathroom right over there. Go for it.

- No. You'll disqualify me. - Try it.

- You're gonna make me start all over again. - Try it!

(CHUCKLING)

(GROANING)

Ohh!

(CHUCKLING)

Round seven in three, two, one...

- Just one second. - No, there's no breaks.

No, come on. There should be at least, like, a minute between glasses.

That's against the regulations. What, are you trying to quit?

- Well, can I have some ice, then? - That dilutes the lactose.

Three, two, one.

Drink up!

(SLURPING)

What are you doing? Are you packing?

Going to Uncle Ronnie and Ronnie's.

Working on the new compound. Everyone's gonna be there.

- Who's "everyone"? - Everyone.

Even João?

So?

- Well, can I come? - Sure.

- Mom's gonna be there. - She can do your laundry.

What did you say?

Nothin'.

Ha!

You know what?

I think I'm just gonna take this whole box set over

so everyone can watch it.

- Don't. - Yeah.

We'll let 'em see "The Quitter's Guide to Quitting".

- I didn't quit. - Sure? Huh.

Let's start from the top. "Mr Burger Challenge".

Only completed eight of the ten.

- Yeah, I wasn't hungry anymore. - Let's see here.

We got "The Catnip Cigarette Challenge".

- I swallowed some. - Oh, sure. You didn't quit.

Then we got... Oh! Yeah, yeah, yeah.

"Full Volume Headphone Blast."

You only got through two of Hammett's solos.

I told you I didn't want songs longer than eight minutes.

You know what would have been the ultimate challenge?

You gettin' a fucking job.

Wait. You quit that one, too.

That's right.

Old Cortez throws a hot dog at you, and you go running home.

- Could've paid the rent. - Oh, you could've paid the rent?

Man, I know Mom pays for everything.

Where'd you hear that?

Where'd you hear this, huh? Was it your boyfriend Dallas?

- She gives the landlord a cheque every month. - Says who?

And she takes it out of Dad's savings account.

(LAUGHING)

Dad's savings? He didn't have shit when he left.

Mom should have told you that

when she fucking evicted you from the basement.

- Hey, I left on my own. - Oh, really?

When she found you down there writing love letters to him?

- They weren't love letters. - "Dear Daddy Sicko"...

- He wasn't a sicko! - You tell that to the court, motherfucker!

There was a silly misunderstanding. That's all.

Dad was broke when he left. Nothing there, idiot.

Fuck!

Oh, shit. Here we go.

What, did I hurt your feelings? Huh?

(WHISPERING) What's wrong with you?

Huh? What happened to you?

You got ten seconds, bitch.

Nine, eight, seven, six, five,

four, three, two...

Time!

Oh, that was fucking close.

Whew! Half a glass left, man.

That's a big deal.

You might actually complete a challenge.

(CHUCKLING)

Mom used to always race us to the bus stop.

She always let you win, and I always would come in last place.

- Why did she do that to me? - What are you talking about?

Dad used to always let me beat him.

What?

You... you asked what happened to me.

I... I was just kidding. I was just kidding around. Geez.

Come on. Let's go. Round eight.

- Three, two, one. Here we go! - No, wait. Are you gonna blow?

Hold on! Are you gonna blow? Stop it!

I'm getting a fucking bucket. This is not official.

Time has not started yet. Wait right there.

I'm gonna go in the basement, get a bucket, and a fucking mop.

You move, I will fucking kick your ass.

No fucking cheating either.

(DOOR SLAMMING)

(GAGGING)

(URINATING)

CAM: Don't tell Janitor Jim I stole this.

Not that he understands a word anybody says anyway.

ABBIE: Did you put the key back?

CAM: You're in luck. Giving you a five-minute break.

Found you a little present.

ABBIE: Where'd you get that?

- CAM: Apartment 417. - ABBIE: You stole it?

CAM: So? Bunch of fuckin' nerds.

Look. It's your little kid Pac-Man game.

And some fuckin' caveman.

- No, that's Billy Mitchell. - Hmm.

Says he's got a contest.

- Can I see it? - Hundred thousand dollars.

- Come on. Let me see. - You want it? Grab it.

Come on. Grab it.

I call challenge break.

I call disqualified!

Hoo!

(VIDEOGAME: SKATEBOARD ROLLING)

- Says you gotta beat his record. - What's his record?

Couldn't get past level 256.

This Mitchell sounds like you.

"If you want to attach your name to a record,

"if you want your name written in history,

"you have to pay a price."

Fuckin' homo.

Cam, can I please see it?

Beat 256. That's it.

What would you even do with $100,000?

- I'd buy a jet. - What?

Or a boat. Go to California.

You'd go from Michigan to California on a boat?

Yeah.

Look at this. Some Chinese kid with a bowl haircut

named Jeffrey Yee did it in 1982.

Reagan even sent him a letter.

Yee claims he videotaped it, and then lost the tape.

Fuckin' lame.

You know, Dallas just got some bootleg Pac-Man tapes sent to him

from his Uncle Bodo in Nepal.

- Maybe that's it. - Oh, fuck that!

Dallas is such a liar, and you know it.

No, he traded half his two-headed snake for it.

What?

He traded half his two-headed snake for it.

Break's over, Sweetchuck. Back to the challenge.

Where's that milk jug?

No... what? No!

Y... you said just eight baby bottles.

That's not what I said. Besides, I want the jug in the shot.

We're making fuckin' art here. You've gotta finish off that milk jug.

- Where is it? - No, you said specifically

- it was just eight baby bottles. - That's not what I said.

- That was the finish of the challenge. - You gotta finish all the milk!

If you don't consume all of the milk...

- That's not what you said, Cam! - You heard me.

- No, you said... - That is the rules.

- Yeah, but... - "But" (BLOWING RASPBERRY)

Oh, look, there it is. (CHUCKLING) Yes.

Right, so you gotta finish all the milk in the jug,

and I don't care how many bottles it takes you.

- That's what I said. - No, it isn't. You said...

- That's exactly what I said. - No, it isn't.

You said as soon as like eight of 'em are done, then that was it.

- That's not what I said. - And you can't even refill it. The top...

That's not the rules. The challenge explicitly stated

if you don't consume all the milk that was in the jug,

then you lose.

You can't just fill it when the top is on already!

You know what? Fuck it. I'm gonna tell you one thing one time.

- This is not right, Cam. - You have quit everything in your life.

And you're finally getting close to finishing a challenge.

Look, I just topped it off. Now, we got round eight.

It's going to start in three, two, one...

Three minutes.

Come on.

We're all rootin' for ya.

- (VIDEOGAME: SKATEBOARD ROLLING) - You got this.

You quit?

You can do it.

There you go.

Just put it to your lips.

Suck it down. You're almost there.

(WHISPERING) Got it.

That's good.

(SNIFFING) Wh... whoa.

It's pretty rotten. You should smell it.

No way. I smelled it already.

It's definitely rotten. That makes it better.

This is... this is above room temperature.

That's good. Makes it more...

tasty. It's full-bodied.

No. No. No way.

CAM: Time's ticking.

You just gonna quit again?

ABBIE: I'll be okay.

CAM: You have no survival skills. You know that? None.

You barely survive on this couch.

You still don't believe it? Huh?

So this very specific numerical algorithm which controls the date and time,

which in turn controls the motherboard of the computers,

won't be entirely fucked when everything flips to zeroes?

You own one thing. It's not even gonna work six months from now.

There ain't no Nintendo in the Y2K.

(RUSTLING NEWSPAPER)

Don't fuckin' quit. All right?

You are this close to finishing

the first fucking challenge you have ever fucking completed.

Are you really gonna fucking give up?

Fucking serious, man.

You got 60 seconds.

You got this.

(WHISPERING) Just suck that thing down.

Put it in your mouth.

Come on.

(SIGHING)

Fuck, man.

Thirty seconds.

Abbie, you can do this.

Twenty, nineteen, eighteen,

seventeen, sixteen, fifteen, fourteen...

Fuck! Get the bucket! Get the bucket!

CAM: Fuck!

(GRUNTING)

(COUGHING)

I knew I should have borrowed Jim's fuckin' tarp.

(SPITTING)

(WHIMPERING)

Where's my fucking keys?

Do we have any Popsicles?

Get up and get it yourself. This challenge is over.

I'm too sticky to get up now.

We got any blue ones left?

On the floor, Mongo.

Hit the streets, homeless.

- Oh, but y... - "But." (BLOWING RASPBERRY)

Fuck!

One more challenge.

One more final, ultimate challenge.

- You're not gonna just quit? - I won't.

You will.

- I quit quitting. - What?

I quit quitting.

Fine.

One last ultimate challenge.

Regulations still in effect. You don't get off this fucking couch.

Name it.

(GROANING)

(BEEPING)

- What are you doing? - (TV STATIC)

- (INSERTING CONSOLE CARTRIDGE) - Come on.

Cam.

- (CLICKING) - (STATIC STOPS)

(PAC-MAN THEME PLAYING)

- (PAC-MAN GAME SOUNDS) - (GRUNTING)

Fuckin' gross, man!

Level 256.

What?

You get past level 256.

You beat that fucking record, you fucking collect that money,

you show up that caveman,

and then you go live with Daddy Dearest forever.

Rules apply. No getting off this couch.

- Stretch breaks? - Nope.

- Can I lay down? - No!

You do not leave this couch until the challenge is completed.

Challenge accepted.

Are you sure?

Challenge accepted.

Okay.

Well, how long do I have?

Till I get back.

- Well, you coming back tonight? - Nope.

- Tomorrow? - Who knows?

Can I come with?

Are you quitting already?

No.

I'm gonna take pity on you.

I'm gonna give you until New Year's Eve.

That's right, son. You have until the Y2K.

- What? - Mm-hmm.

You're gonna stay on that couch and you're gonna protect it.

Fuckin' relax!

Probably be done before tonight.

You gotta tape it.

Think you can handle that?

Think you can aim this at the TV, press the little red button?

Gonna be able to take care of yourself?

Be able to keep in all your pee-pee and your poo-poo?

Where's my keys?

- Where the fuck are my keys? - Does Chuck E Cheese deliver?

Call fuckin' Domino's.

(PAC-MAN GAME SOUNDS)

Goddamn it.

I had two knives and a set of keys on this fucking counter.

Where's João's knife, and where's my fuckin' keys?

- Did you fucking touch my keys again? - No way, José.

"José"?

What you know about José?

- Aha! - (KEYS JANGLING)

Huh? I'll tell you about José.

José Domingo. He's an old fisherman, lived down in Mexico.

Lived on the beach. He fished all day.

And you know what?

What he didn't eat for lunch or dinner at the end of the day, he sold off.

And one day, along come the white man. Yeah.

American businessman on Mexico vacation

comes up to José and says, "I got a suggestion for you.

"Why don't you hire somebody to do your fishing,

"and somebody to run that stand for you?"

Old José gives it a try.

Next day he makes three times as much money.

Here come that American businessman again.

He says, "José, I got another suggestion.

"You should hire an entire fleet of fishermen."

Next thing you know, José's sitting up in that office,

sitting behind a mahogany desk.

He got a hundred employees in his corporation.

(SNAPPING FINGERS) There go 40 years.

All of the sudden, José's an old man. He can barely walk.

He decides it's time for retirement.

You know what he does?

I asked you a question! Do you know what he does?

No. What? I don't... What does he do?

He goes and lives on the beach, fishing all day,

selling off what he doesn't eat at the end of the day,

happy as shit!

And nobody bothering him.

So?

The American Dream.

Am I him?

Get to fuckin' work.

- I'll see you when you're dead. - What?

Don't take no shits on my couch.

- Get to work. - Are you coming back?

(DOOR OPENING AND SLAMMING)

Cam!

(PAC-MAN GAME SOUNDS)

(VIDEOGAME SOUNDS)

Dallas. Hey, I'm in a challenge emergency.

Need you to bring over a Chuck E Cheese pizza, a large,

a cherry cola, two-litre...

- (DALLAS INDISTINCT) - I'll pay you when you get here.

Hey, you know that Pac-Man tape that your uncle gave you?

- Hell yeah, dude. - I need you to bring that with you, too.

(DALLAS INDISTINCT)

Oh, hey, and I need you to do a secret knock when you get here.

I need to make sure it's not Arin.

Okay, here it goes.

Do it back.

(TAPPING)

That's not right.

(DALLAS INDISTINCT)

What, tomorrow?

No, I.. I can't wait that long. What are you doing right now?

(DIALLING TONE)

Hello?

Hello?

- (INDISTINCT MAN) - Well, why don't you deliver?

No, it's not a birthday party. It's a challenge.

And it needs to be a delivery.

Is this Brad Matusak?

Hey, this is Abner Harmeyer.

Abbie.

(DIALLING TONE)

Hello?

(PAC-MAN MUSIC PLAYING)

(KNOCKING)

DALLAS: Come on, dude, open the door!

Ssh-ssh.

(KNOCKING)

Do the secret knock.

DALLAS: Well...

(RANDOM KNOCKING)

- ABBIE: What was that? - DALLAS: I don't know. The Olympics song?

Th... the fuckin' secret code?

Whatever, dude. Fuckin'jig is up. It's me.

- ABBIE: Just use the key. - DALLAS: Where's the key at?

- ABBIE: Same spot. - DALLAS: Where's the fuckin' same spot?

ABBIE: Think above your head.

Are you fuckin' doing Maya Angelou shit or something?

What the fuck are you saying?

ABBIE: I... it's just... It's above the door.

DALLAS: Thank you.

(PAC-MAN GAME SOUNDS)

Don't gotta yell at me, all pissed off and shit.

ABBIE: It's always in the same spot.

Yeah, like your ass.

- Did you put the key back? - Yeah.

It smells like fuckin' mouth farts up in here, dude.

ABBIE: Where's the Chuck E Cheese?

Dude. (SIGHING)

Brian Pontiac told me that fuckin' Cam got footage of you

like spewing milk all over the place, dude.

I wanna see that shit. That's what I came for.

- What fuckin' tape is it on? - Just forget about that.

I ain't gonna forget about it. That's the shit I came over for.

If I had my own Hi-8 tape player, I'd fuckin' watch it at home.

But I still need the fuckin' tape. Which one is it?

- Just don't worry about it. - It says "first drive".

You got video of your first time you fuckin' drove?

One of 'em.

How can you have multiple first times you drove?

It's...

multi-cam.

Oh, shit. Is this your birthday when you fuckin' cut your knuckle?

- Does it say "15th"? - Mm-hmm.

- Yeah. - We should fuckin' watch that, too.

Well, dude, get your fuckin' ass up. Here, help me find this.

ABBIE: I can't get up. It's part of the challenge.

Fuck the challenge. Put that shit on pause for five minutes,

just to help me find the tape.

ABBIE: No.

All right, then I fuckin' challenge you

to get up and help me find the tape.

I can't do a challenge when I'm already on another challenge.

Jesus Christ. All right, then I challenge you to challenge me

- to challenge you not to get up. - I don't even know what that means.

Doesn't fuckin' mean anything. Just get off the couch like a normal person.

You're in this fuckin' challenge vortex of retardedness.

- Why don't you have the pizza? - Fuckin' Brad Matusak was there, man.

I hate that dude. Him and his little fuckin' butt-hole.

He spilled chili cheese on my work pants, didn't even apologise.

- You shouldn't say that. - Say what? "Little butt-hole"?

- No. "Hate." - Oh, sorry.

I didn't mean to fuckin' infringe on your sensitivity and shit.

- ABBIE: It's hot in here, man. I... - No shit.

Can you open this window for me and prop it with something?

- Jesus Christ. - Could you, please?

- DALLAS: Here. Will this work? - ABBIE: Yes.

DALLAS: For fuck's sake, dude.

Didn't realise I was your fuckin' personal assistant.

(WINDOW SLIDING OPEN)

Dude, it smells ill. Where... seriously, where are you shitting?

ABBIE: Dude...

And since there's no pizza, would you just grab me

one of my baloney sandwiches from the kitchen, please?

- That'd be great. - All right. I'm on it.

Yes, Your Highness.

Man, I don't see anything in here, dude.

Well, did you look in the microwave?

- Did I what? - In the microwave.

I'm not looking in the microwave, I'm looking in the fridge.

- Some Mother Hubbard shit. - Well, check the microwave!

Why would I... fuck.

Your light's tweakin' out, dude.

- It's my night-light. - Night-light? It's an epileptic light.

- Just leave it alone. - I'm not gonna touch your light, dude.

I ain't an electrician.

- Did you find 'em? - I'm looking.

They should have two holes in 'em.

(MUFFLED) I'm lookin'.

I need both of them, though. I gotta ration 'em out.

- Mm-hmm. - What are you doing?

(CHEWING) Nothin'. I'm fuckin' looking for your sandwiches, dude.

(GULPING DRINK)

I found it.

That shit's hard as fuck, dude.

- That's, like, an antique sandwich. - There's just the one?

That's all that was there.

- What are those? Popsicles? - They were.

They're fuckin' like liquid Jolly Ranchers now. Shit melted.

Were you drinking the Kool-Aid?

- I don't even like Berry Blast. - How'd you know it was Berry Blast?

I wasn't wheezin' your juice, dude. Stop giving me that accusatory look.

Well... did you bring the two-litre cherry cola, at least?

- Yeah. You got the money? - I'll owe you.

Fuck that.

The shit ain't free, dude. It's fuckin' 89 cents.

- Come on, man. - (BURPING)

I know you got a knife in the couch. Just give me that. I'll trade you.

- Man, I don't have a knife. - I know you got a knife.

Just fuckin' trade me that, and we're even Steven.

- I got no knife. - All right, then show me the money.

Fuckin' show me the money, fuckin' Jerry Maguire style.

Look, soon I'm gonna have a lot of money.

I'm gonna have, like, $100,000.

Yeah, right.

- No, really. I'll pay you then. - Just fuckin' show me the money, dude.

- Look... - You fuckin' seen Jerry Maguire?

- You know what I'm talkin' about? - No.

"Show me the money!" Fuckin' Thomas Cruise style.

- I don't know... - You should see it, though,

because it's got Jerry Cantrell from fuckin' Alice in Chains in it.

He plays, like, a fuckin' Kinko's, er... employee.

There's a part where Thomas Cruise comes in,

and he's got, like, a mission statement he fuckin' stayed up all night and wrote...

- Okay, look, I... - I'm just trying to fuckin' tell you...

- You should see the movie. - Yeah, I know.

I'm gonna have $100,000 real soon.

Fuckin' Cuba Gooding Jr won an Oscar for the movie.

- Who? - Fuckin' Cuba Gooding Jr.

(SIGHING) Look, man, I promise...

He plays the football player that Tom Cruise's character takes on as a client

- when no-one believes in him. - How come no-one believes in him?

Because he left a high-end agency on his own.

He was trying to be a maverick of the industry,

and base himself on ethics rather than just money.

So, with that said, fuckin' show me the money.

- I told you, I'm gonna pay you later. - No, fuck that. Fuck paying.

Challenge me.

- Let's do a challenge for the pop. - Challenge you?

To do what?

- Oh, you've had two of 'em? - Hell, yeah.

Two-litre hands.

- Well, hand. - Hands.

- Hand. - Two-litre hands.

- No, hand. - Hands.

- Hand. - Hands.

- Han-duh. - Hands.

- Han-duh. - Hand-suh.

- Han-duh. - Hand-zzz.

No. 'Cause I need one of them.

- Hands. - Han-duh.

Are you fuckin' blind? Hands. Two hands, dude.

Right, but one of 'em's gonna be mine.

Oh, you don't think I can drink all this shit?

- You see, I know all about... - Last week, during a shift,

I drank a whole fuckin' three-litre and two fuckin' belly busters.

I didn't even piss. With the fuckin' AC blastin'.

Yeah, I know. You've been bragging about it to everybody.

That's why I'm not gonna challenge you.

Yeah, because I got a strong-ass dick with pinching capabilities.

I don't challenge you.

Fuck it. I'll challenge myself.

(PAC-MAN GAME SOUNDS)

Fuck.

Help me with this shit, dude.

- Here, fuckin' grab it. - Get out of the way, man!

Help me spin this shit.

Help... here, fuckin' put it... I can only get my fingers on it right now.

Let me drink one.

This one's regulation right here. It's the second hand that always... fuck!

- Here. - No, you...

- Just fuckin' pull it. - Get out of the way!

- Do it around my hand, dude. - What are you...

Fuckin' Indiana Jones this shit around you.

(SLURPING)

"Baby, you make me wish I had three hands." What movie's that?

- Can I have some? - Fuckin' Total Recall, dawg.

I gotta put this shit down on the stool. Hold up.

- ABBIE: Can I have that cup? - DALLAS: Fuck, no.

Unless you got some money for it.

Boom! Who am I? (CLICKING TONGUE)

Fuckin' CJ. Pam Anderson, dawg.

Big-ass titties.

You know her titties got soda in 'em, too.

Do you have that tape you got from your uncle? The Pac-Man tape?

Check it out. Fuckin' gunslinger. Boom.

Fuckin' Texas outlaw right here, fuckin' pullin' pistols out and shit.

Can I please have some?

You please may not have some, because you ain't shown me no fuckin' money.

May I please have some money?

What's that fuckin' song? ♪ Money, money, money, money ♪

♪ Money ♪ Fuckin' karate kick right there.

(SHAKING BOTTLES) No, you're shaking it all up.

- No... - Fuckin' MTV Grind and shit.

- Come on, man. - Put me on that shit, I'll be an all-star, dawg.

Can you do that shit? No.

Oh, shit. He's put on his glasses.

We got a fuckin' four-eyed, 3-D dickwad over here.

Oh, shit. I'm really scared now.

I's scared that he's never gonna show me the money.

Show me the money. Show me the money.

Stick your dick in honey!

Please.

Show me the money. Show me the money.

Oh, Jesus fuck!

- (LOSING PAC-MAN LIFE) - Oh...

(PAC-MAN GAME SOUNDS)

Dude, that was fuckin' insane.

I don't know if it was because I was fuckin' shakin' it,

or if you did some fuckin' Professor X sorcery-type shit on me.

- Can I please have a drink now? - I want... you know what I'm sayin'?

Someone steps to you, they're gonna get fucked with hard

if you can do that mind control shit.

- What is this? - (DALLAS SNIFFING)

- What are you doing? - Ssh.

(CLEARING THROAT)

What is this?

- Read my mind, dude. - What?

I wanna see if this mind control shit you're doing is fuckin' legit.

I wanna know if that was a freak accident, or if you...

Just read my fuckin' mind. Scan me.

What am I thinking about?

You're thinking about how you'd like to give me a drink right now.

Come on, man. Take this shit serious.

Tell me what I'm fuckin' thinkin'.

Come on, man. Here, tell me what my mind is thinkin'.

- Carmen Electra. - Are you fuckin' serious?

- That's insane, dude. - You always think about Carmen Electra.

No, I don't, dude, because my dad got fuckin' cable now.

We got the E Network, so Brooke Burke is my girl now.

- Then why are you thinking about Carmen Electra? - I don't even know!

I haven't had a jam session to fuckin' Carmen Electra in a while.

Can I just please have a drink?

(SNIFFING)

Yeah, I guess so. Let me get you a cup. Here, I'll put it in this cup for you.

- Don't... - (SODA POURING)

No! No! St... stop!

What?

Come on. Please. It's... it's completely wasteful.

Why...?

Dig in, player.

Well, did you at least bring your uncle's Pac-Man tape?

Yeah. It's in the fuckin' Popsicle bag. Toss it here.

(INSERTING CASSETTE)

- ABBIE: How long is this? - Like, four hours.

Four hours?

Should start in a second.

This shit's fuckin' hypnotic.

No, fuck. Think my uncle just forgot to rewind it.

(FARTING)

(CASSETTE REWINDING)

If you could play tic-tac-toe against yourself,

do you think you could win?

Who, me?

Anyone. I don't care.

Yes. You just have to be smarter than yourself.

(FARTING)

That makes sense.

If you could have a super power, which would you do, invisibility or flight?

I don't know. Invisibility.

- Fuckin' sex predator. - Huh?

You gotta be naked to be invisible, dude.

Otherwise, you're just a fuckin' pair of pants and shirt runnin' around.

All right, fine. Flight.

- Pervert. - What?

You gotta be naked to fly, too.

- Why? - Solar-powered body.

Oh. Just hit play.

Fine. If I hit play, we'll be right in the middle of season two,

and won't know where the fuck we are.

Season two?

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

Great. I have no idea what's happening right now.

Looks like a fuckin' Pac-Man picnic.

Dallas, what is this?

That's what happens when you start it right in the middle.

ABBIE: What is this?

It's the fuckin' lost season, dude. They never released this shit.

(CARTOON CHARACTER BABBLING)

- This isn't the Jeffrey Yee tape. - Jeffrey's a poser, dude.

This is a Pac-Man cartoon!

My fuckin' uncle had to trade half his two-headed snake for this.

You think you can buy this at Media Play?

Try to order that shit. Good fuckin' luck.

I mean, you got this silly tape that's just some stupid cartoon.

This was an emergency.

Doesn't your dad like cartoons?

What?

- Yeah, you know what I'm sayin'. - No, I don't.

- Don't they all like cartoons? - Who's "they"?

- I think you know. - No, I don't.

You fuckin' know, dude!

You come over here, you got no pizza, you got nothing for me to drink.

And then this silly tape of this cartoon!

Fuck this, dude. Ungrateful dumb-ass!

- This is supposed to be an emergency. - Fuckin' challenges.

You know what's challenging? Fuckin' brain capacity, dude.

- You're fuckin' mentally challenged. - Put the game back on.

(CASSETTE EJECTING)

Slow-ass VCR. Man, you can go eat a butt.

(LOUD SLAMMING)

Don't... you'd better not. Don't! I'm serious, dude.

Don't do that. I'm...

I'm...

I'm serious, dude. I'll chuck this at you. Don't.

I won't come back.

- Man, stop fuckin' lookin' at me like that. - Hey!

Oh, you do that...

(PLASTIC BOTTLE SNAPPING)

Throw this shit at you. You gonna get fuckin' sticky.

You're gonna get sticky, dude.

Fuck that! I'm out!

Woot woot!

(GULPING)

(PAC-MAN GAME SOUNDS)

(SIGHING)

(GRUNTING)

(SIGHING)

(BREATHING HEAVILY)

Oh, Jesus.

(PAC-MAN GAME SOUNDS)

(AUDIBLY STRAINING)

(GRUNTING)

(SHARP INTAKE OF BREATH)

(GASPING)

(GROANING)

(GROANING)

(PAC-MAN GAME SOUNDS)

(BEEPING)

(INSECT BUZZING)

(BUZZING STOPS)

- (BLOWING) - (BUZZING RESUMES)

(KNOCKING)

Cam?

(KNOCKING)

- (DOORKNOB RATTLING) - Did you forget your key?

(SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE)

ABBIE: Are you Janitor Jim?

(SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE)

ABBIE: What?

(SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE)

ABBIE: What?

- (SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE) - ABBIE: Oh.

I bet you're smelling Dallas' baloney sandwich from the refrigerator.

Hey, could you hand me that cup real quick?

I think there's a little left in the bottom.

(SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE)

(SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE)

(PAC-MAN GAME SOUNDS)

ABBIE: I... I don't actually live here.

(SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE)

(SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE)

You know, I actually need that open, if that's okay.

(SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE)

What is he saying?

WOMAN: Gas.

Gas?

JANITOR JIM: Bug bomb. (SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE)

- What does that mean? - WOMAN: Bug bomb.

Bug bomb?

(FLIES BUZZING)

Bug bomb. (SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE)

(SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE) Twelve hours.

You have to be out, twelve hours.

Understand?

I'm kinda busy right now.

C... could you come back a little later, maybe...

(SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE) Get up.

I am looking for eggs.

(SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE)

Right.

I'm on a challenge right now. Could you tell...

On three. One, two, three.

ABBIE: Well, how 'bout you move me over by the kitchen

so I can get something to eat that way?

Does that... that work?

JANITOR JIM: Holy shit! Bart Simpson?

- ABBIE: Oh. - Garbage?

ABBIE: I can't... I can't really see the TV now.

JANITOR JIM: Er... Give me a number seven.

One more.

ABBIE: It's gonna be pretty hard to play the video game from here.

It'd be great if you could just kinda swing me back.

JANITOR JIM: No.

(FLIES BUZZING)

ABBIE: Look, I'm playing this video game, and if I beat it, I get $100,000.

So, I'll give you 10,000.

JANITOR JIM: What are you talking about?

ABBIE: If you move me back, then I can beat the video game.

But I can't do it from here, so there's... there's no money that way. You see?

JANITOR JIM: Keep talkin'. I'm interested.

(PAC-MAN GAME SOUNDS)

(PAC-MAN GAME SOUNDS)

(COUGHING)

(KNOCKING)

(KNOCKING)

(PAC-MAN GAME SOUNDS)

(DOOR HANDLE TURNING)

- Hello? - (PAC-MAN GAME SOUNDS)

Abbie.

Ma?

It's Arin Bechdel.

Dallas told me where the key was.

I tried calling you.

ABBIE: Yeah. My night-light went out.

Night-light?

It's above the sink.

It keeps going on and off, and it just went off.

Everything's got weird around here.

How long have you been sitting there?

- What day is it? - Thursday.

- What's the date? - It's the 25th.

It's Christmas?

July.

- 2000? - Mm-mmm. Not yet.

Well, I've been sitting here for a few hours, I guess.

Is it okay if I come in?

Yeah.

I brought a newspaper. You like comics, right?

- You need anything else? - (NEWSPAPER CRINKLING)

No, I'm okay.

(ARIN SIGHING)

Abbie, we gotta get this together. This is not good.

ABBIE: Can I just borrow the game for one more day?

ARIN: You're still playin'.

I gotta beat level 256.

What?

Cam challenged me.

256?

Yeah.

The Billy Mitchell contest?

You know about that?

It's impossible.

What?

Level 256 is a glitch.

Wh... what?

Billy Mitchell can't even do it.

It's not possible, sweetheart.

No, but...

It's a publicity stunt, the contest.

No, but I can. I can do it.

I just need to borrow the game for one more day.

Can I, please?

Why?

Have you ever been to California?

ARIN: Disneyland a few times.

- Ch.. check this out. - (RUSTLING)

ABBIE: It's for my dad.

He lives out there. I just thought he might need one.

I'm gonna give it to him.

He used to always buy survival stuff for me and Cam.

Like these.

Yeah, he said they'd help me.

But Mom always told me to throw 'em away.

So...

Look, maybe this'll help.

There was a kid named Jeffrey Yee... Wu.

He created a pattern.

Yeah. You know about him?

(SIGHING) Yeah. My ex-boyfriend sure did.

So, you can walk through ghosts,

but you have to use this pattern.

And it has to be within 1/60th of a second.

Not everybody can do it.

Do you remember when we worked together?

Mmm.

Maybe I could try that again.

Do you still work there?

That wasn't a good week for you. I'm a nurse now.

- You're a nurse? - Yeah. Cortez still works there, though.

- How do you know? - Hmm.

MAN: Hey, the car's running.

ARIN: Cortez, I need you to wait downstairs, please.

CORTEZ: Smells like Uncle Ron's crib up in here.

- Man, turn on some goddamn lights! - I'll be down in a second.

Look at this skinny-ass punk sitting on the couch.

What the fuck you doin', sittin' talking to this motherfuck?

Will you wait downstairs, please?

Yo. Yo, what the fuck... What's your fuckin' name again, bro?

It's, um... some girl's shit, right? Like Ashley, or some shit like that?

- Abner. - Abbie.

That's right.

So, you know about this kid's dad?

ARIN: Don't.

Yo, tell her.

Abbie, don't.

Well, I just know what people told me.

He left when I was in second grade.

Went to California and became a truck driver.

And... he was just helping out some high-school kid with his flat tyre.

I think they were at a rest stop or something.

And... I don't know. He's not supposed to be in trouble.

Yeah. Keep goin'.

ARIN: Cortez.

ABBIE: Well, they had to go in the restroom

to talk more about the... the tyre warranty,

'cause it was pouring rain outside.

Or something. He was just trying to be helpful.

He's really not supposed to be locked up.

- He got arrested. - CORTEZ: Prison queen.

Cortez.

Do you know where Pleasant Valley Correctional Facility is?

- It might be by Disneyland. - Oh, my God. Let's go.

This gay-ass shit up in here, man.

- Cortez. - CORTEZ: Come on.

Define "gay-ass shit".

- Well... - Come on, tell me. I wanna hear.

- What? - ARIN: Tell me.

What's "gay-ass shit"?

CORTEZ: I don't know. Maybe... maybe kissin'.

Rubbin' they dicks together and shit. I don't know.

- So, you must think about this a lot. - CORTEZ: Oh, come on.

So, you think about this every time you look at all guys, or just gay guys?

Let's go.

ARIN: So, question for you.

Do you think about sex every time you look at a woman?

What?

ARIN: Do you think about sex every time you look at a woman?

(SIGHING) Can we go, please?

I'm not going anywhere with you till you tell me.

Do you think about sex every time you look at a woman?

No. No, I don't.

- Why not? - Come on, man.

Martel probably got some big motherfuckers out here looking for me right now!

- ARIN: Who the hell is that? - Shit. Come on. Let's go!

What the fuck is you lookin' at?

(GROANING)

(CORTEZ GROANING)

- (BREATHING HEAVILY) - (GROANING)

Abbie.

(GROANING)

Abbie!

- Abbie! - (CORTEZ BREATHING HEAVILY)

CORTEZ: 3-D glasses. The fuck is this bullshit?

(BREATHING HEAVILY)

You can stay if you want. I'm outta here.

I can't.

Look. Here, take this.

So I can keep the game?

(DOOR CLOSING)

Arin!

Y... you gotta put the key back!

(BEEPING)

(PAC-MAN GAME SOUNDS)

(THUNDER RUMBLING)

(HEAVY RAIN)

(BREATHING HEAVILY)

(GRUNTING)

(THUNDERCLAP)

(COUGHING)

(THUNDER RUMBLING)

(GRUNTING)

(COUGHING)

(PAC-MAN GAME SOUNDS)

(GRUNTING)

(GRUNTING)

(THUNDER RUMBLING)

(GRUNTING)

(SIGHING)

Yeah.

(GRUNTING)

(GRUNTING)

Okay.

Okay.

(WHISPERING) Okay.

Okay.

Yeah.

Yeah.

(PAC-MAN GAME SOUNDS)

(PAC-MAN GAME SOUNDS)

(PANTING)

Hey, Dallas. I got a challenge.

- This one. It's a real emergency. - (DALLAS CHATTERING)

It's not... no.

I... this is what happened. I...

(DALLAS CHATTERING)

No, no. It's...

Dallas.

(DIALLING TONE)

Dallas.

(MUTTERING) No. Help me, man.

(BREAKING PLASTIC AND METAL)

(PAC-MAN GAME SOUNDS)

(CLATTERING)

Oh.

Oh.

(THUMPING)

(THUMPING)

My father, your father...

were hanging up clothes.

My father punched your father

right in the nose.

What colour was the blood?

R-E-D spells red, and you are not it.

You're not it.

(WHISPERING) Oh, God.

(GROANING)

(FAINT TRICKLING)

(CLANKING)

(TOILET FLUSHING)

(YELLING)

Oh!

(GROANING)

You are it.

(PAC-MAN THEME PLAYING)

(GASPING)

ABBIE: ♪ Happy birthday to you

- (STRUMMING STRINGS) - ♪ Happy birthday to you

♪ Happy birthday

♪ Dear Abbie

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

(WIND HOWLING OUTSIDE)

(MUTTERING)

(BLOWING)

(CRUNCHING)

That's a tie.

That's a tie.

Tie as well.

They're all ties.

What have we got? Sports.

And sports, sports.

Where's the comics, man?

"The Far Side."

Yeah.

"Thank God I'm saved."

Oh! Because he saved the palm tree.

Saved the palm tree. "Thank God I'm saved."

(LAUGHING)

"Thank God I'm saved."

But I'm not saved.

I'm not saved.

No.

You know, I... I quit!

- (CLICKING) - (PAC-MAN GAME SOUNDS)

Hey, Cam, check this out.

- (LAUGHING) - (CROWD CHEERING)

(FIREWORKS EXPLODING)

Here we go.

(PAC-MAN GAME SOUNDS REPEATING)

- (GAME SOUNDS STOP) - (FIREWORKS CONTINUE EXPLODING)

I hate you.

(CROWD OUTSIDE) Ten, nine, eight, seven,

six, five, four, three, two, one.

(WILD CHEERING)

- (LOUD CLANKING) - (GENERATORS POWERING DOWN)

(CROWD CHATTERING AND MURMURING)

(SCATTERED SCREAMING)

(SIREN WAILING)

- (SCREECHING TYRES) - (CRASHING)

(SIRENS WAILING)

(YELLING AND GROANING)

(GRUNTING AND PANTING)

(YELLING)

(GROANING)

(SCREAMING)

(PANTING)

(MULTIPLE SIRENS WAILING)

(SCREAMING) Cam!

- (DOOR OPENING) - (HINGES CREAKING)

- (DOOR CLOSING) - (WIND HOWLING OUTSIDE)

(LOUD THUD)

CAM: Find them Kool-Aid packets?

João!

- (ENTERING ROOM) - Fuck. You listening to me?

Shit.

Abbie.

(SIGHING)

Oh. Hey, Cam.

Oh, hey, João.

Didn't quit.

CAM: What are you doing?

Relaxing.

You've been sitting here this whole time?

Well...

what time is it?

CAM: Who knows?

Oh, man.

I've been here since this morning, I think.

Did I miss Fourth of July?

A... am I dead? Where is everybody?

CAM: Bunker.

- Is Dad there? - CAM: Dad!

You get the toilet paper? Let's go. Come on, hurry up.

Is he there?

CAM: Oh, yeah. Yeah.

He said that, er... he started walking last week.

He's just out there looking for some snow boots.

- Really? - No, fucking idiot. He's probably dead.

People are eating each other alive out there.

It's just like I said.

I think it's my fault.

- I broke it. - What?

Level 257.

I saw it.

And it's like when we were kids, and we were riding in the car,

and we'd see a sunset,

and...

the light would come through the windshield,

and Dad would say, "That's what it looks like

"when a big bomb goes off in the distance."

And it felt like it could hurt you.

And it did give me headaches.

But I didn't get headaches this time because I...

I think it's because of the glasses.

I... it was amazing.

The... crowds of people were cheering me on.

And there were...

colours, explosions.

It was... it was like I was in California.

João! Let's go!

Give me a slice of that pizza.

So, you're just gonna sit here until you die?

No. I'm just gonna relax for a little while longer.

We could use this. João, take it.

- What's this shit? - Hey, don't touch that.

- What is it? - Hey, be careful. He's sleeping.

(GROANING)

- Oh! - Don't!

Damn. It actually doesn't look that bad.

- We'll just boil him up. - No. I mean it.

You want a bite?

Hmm?

Take it.

Come on.

(LAUGHING) Shit. You can't...

(LAUGHING) You can't stand up, can you?

Huh?

Put... him... back.

You're not allowed to touch him.

You wanna beat me up?

Hmm?

Try it! Come on!

Take it!

Come on. Stand up. You hate me, don't you?

You've always fuckin' hated me. Why don't you just admit it?

- Say it! - (STATIC BURST)

What the fuck is that?

(CLASSICAL MUSIC STARTS PLAYING)

Holy shit!

(SERGEI PROKOFIEV: "THE CRUSADERS IN PSKOV" PLAYING)

We have power?

What the fuck are you lookin' at?

Stop fuckin' lookin' at me.

(OMINOUS ORCHESTRAL CHORDS)

What are you fuckin' lookin' at?

Where the fuck are you goin'?

You stop fuckin' lookin' at me, all right?

CHORUS: ♪ Peregrinus expectavi

♪ Pedes meos... ♪

Stop fucking lookin' at me!

♪...in cymbalis ♪

(INAUDIBLE)

CHORUS: ♪ Peregrinus expectavi

♪ Pedes meos in cymbalis

♪ Peregrinus... ♪

(DRAMATIC ORCHESTRAL CHORDS)

CHORUS: ♪ Peregrinus, peregrinus... ♪

(BANGING IN HALLWAY)

(RHYTHMIC KNOCKING)

(DOORKNOB RATTLING)

(FIST SLAMMING ON DOOR)

(FIST SLAMMING ON DOOR)

- (FIST SLAMMING ON DOOR) - (HINGE CREAKING)

(FOOTSTEPS)

You made it.

(SERGEI PROKOFIEV: "THE CRUSADERS IN PSKOV" PLAYING)

- (MUSIC FADING) - (WAVES CRASHING)

(PROKOFIEV MAKES SLIGHT RETURN)

SUBTITLES BY ANTI-WORLDS RELEASING LTD