All language subtitles for Drive-Away Dolls 2024 1080p Blu-ray Remux AVC TrueHD 7.1-HDT

Another glass of...

rosé?

No.
The hour is long past.

Check.

Check!

The case, Santos.

My case. Stand back!

Do not advance!

The case, Santos.

Halt! Evildoer.

The case, Santos.

Not on your life, waiter.

Oh, God.

Go.

Oh, Jamie!

Neither Sukie
nor Jamie are here right now.

Leave a message.

Hey, Jamie.

Are you there?

Just wondering,
are you and Sukie

- going to shot night tonight?
- Oh, my God!

I don't want to be
stuck there not knowing anyone.

Maybe Carla's going.

Do you know if Carla's going?

Are you going?

Anyway, call me if you would.

Come on, back to mama.

Hope you and Sukie
are doing well.

Miss you, friend. It's Marian.

Hey. Marian.

Hi, Bart.

Say, what are you doing
tomorrow night?

There's a Phish concert.

What?

Phish concert.

Great jam band,
at the Civic Center.

Yeah, oh, I...

P-H.

I know how to spell Phish.

Y-Yeah, of course.
I didn't mean to...

- Y-You know, I just meant...
- Sorry, I have an engagement.

Okay. Bummer.

Didn't mean to, you know...

That's fine.

Anyhoo, what about...

Please don't use
that expression.

- What expression?
- "Anyhoo."

It's not an expression.

What is it?

A word.

Please don't use that word.

Okay. You-you free Wednesday?

Plus, it's not even a word.
Not really.

Okay, sure.
Free for dinner Wednesday?

There's a new place
near me, Montana's.

It's very good.

Yeah, the food is trendy,
but it's super gourmet.

No, I have an engagement
Wednesday.

Okay. Huh. Wednesday, too.

People don't usually
call them "engagements."

Do I tell you how to speak?

Yes.

The fact remains.

The engagement.

That's right.

Oh, my.

Oh, my God. Oh!

My God!

Neither Sukie
nor Jamie are here right now.

Leave a message.

Jesus, Marian,
don't call me during sex.

Yes, I am going tonight.

During sex?

- Hi, Sukie.
- Wow.

- Who? Here?
- Yes, there.

Oh, no one's here, babe.

- I was just masturbating.
- Uh-huh.

Me... me time.

Let me turn the video down.

No.

- What?
- No.

No what, Carla?

You're not wearing that.

- I just came from work.
- I came from Toledo.

I don't dress like it.

- Is Jamie here?
- Okay, look.

Keep the coat on.
Take the shirt off underneath.

And flaunt my breasts?

I'm not here to peddle my wares.

Why else would you be here?

To socialize.

Hello, girls.

All I hear lately is "Y2K, Y2K."

But Jamie Dobbs
is here to say...

Why not 2K?

New millennium, bring it on.

Oh, yeah. It's the last
body shot competition of 1999

here at Sugar 'n Spice,

and Jamie is
last month's winner,

so we are gonna salt you up.

Show us where
the first lick goes, babe.

So, first lick...

Here.

God, look at that slut.

Oh. Hi, Sukie.

Don't put that woman

in front of a crowd
with a microphone.

- And then second lick...
- Well, she likes to entertain.

Ooh!
Take it off! Take it off!

Here.

And then she gets
this reinforcement.

- And then third lick...
- Do you know who she's fucking?

I don't know that
she's seeing anyone.

She's seeing you, of course.

Can I have your shirt?

Here.

She's a free spirit.

I admire her.

Free.
Yeah, that's the problem.

Put a meter on her pussy,
we could all retire!

That's not fair, Sukie.

And a lime wedge... right here!

Pull that out!

That is not a public receptacle!

- Somebody's gonna get hit.
- Oh. Hi, Sukie.

I've had it with love.

I know bards and troubadours
are high on it,

but I don't believe
it's relevant to the modern

20th... soon-to-be 21st...
Century lesbian.

Here are some carrots.
Those peas are thawed.

- This right here is what it gets you.
- Mm-hmm.

So I've hatched a plan,
my friend.

If you'll come help me

move my shit
out of Sukie's tomorrow...

I'm not getting
in the middle of that.

I have my own problems.

What problems?

Internal.

- Internal?
- Yes.

I don't know how else to put it.

Problems with
what I feel internally.

How can you have
internal problems?

You got your ass all bricked up.

I'm not certain, honey darling,
that you have ever

reached deep inside any orifice
to scoop out your soul

and fling it shamelessly
at a fellow human being

and humiliate yourself
and grovel and weep

and feel your ego
completely disintegrate,

otherwise known as
the glory of love.

Please don't eat those peas.

Now, my plan is:
you come help me pack,

- and then we two...
- I can't. I'm leaving town.

What? I am, too.
That was my plan.

Where are you going?

Tallahassee, Florida.

Why would anybody go
to Tallahassee, Florida?

My Aunt Ellis lives there.

Can't she move?

Tallahassee is very nice.

It's not glitzy and gross
like Miami.

It has live oak
and Spanish moss.

Me and Aunt Ellis go to
the St. Marks Wildlife Preserve.

There's good birding.

Birding?

How have I missed out on this?

It's very pleasant.

So you just came up with this
wild hair in your ass to bird.

I've been unhappy,

and I'm starting to snap
at people at work,

and it's not fair to them.

I'm only impatient with myself.

Well, we can fix that.

We'll have you running right
in no time.

That's why we take
this trip together, honey babe.

We get our shit together, together.

See, I was gonna take
some time off,

get a drive-away,
just go potluck anywhere.

Now you can come with me,

and we can go to Tallahassee
and bird.

What's a drive-away?

Free one-way rental.

You deliver the car
to wherever some client

of the drive-away company
wants it,

if they got one going
near your destination.

I don't know
if you'll like Aunt Ellis.

Are you kidding? A birder?

I'll wear
my great big old straw hat,

and she is going to
L-O-V-E love me.

You know how
parents and such love me.

They think I got charisma.

"Oh, Marian,
who's your loquacious friend?

"I just love that
chatty little girl.

Isn't she something?"

I'm not sure.

Don't go finding a problem here.

This is going to be
F-U-N-N fun, girl.

Just come help me move my stuff
out of Sukie's tomorrow.

Don't worry,
she's not even gonna be there.

Oh, God!

Take it! Oh, God!

Sukie, don't.
What are you doing?

I don't want it anymore.

You said she wouldn't be here.

Sukie, I'm just taking
my own stuff.

That was a gift.

I wanted you to have it.

I don't want it if we're not
going to both use it!

Sukie, it's your wall dildo.

No, no, no, no.

And take Alice, too.

I never liked her.

And she won't stop barking!

How can I take the dog, Sukie?
I don't have a home.

Remember, you kicked me out?

Take Alice. Take the wall dildo.

It's your dildo, Susanne.

Curlie's Drive-Away,

Pennsylvania's most trusted
name in car delivery.

Curlie speaking.

Okay, it's going to Tallahassee.

Uh-huh. Tallahassee, Florida.

Yeah, you have something
to write this down?

Yes, I'm writing it down.
To 14 Tinywick Road.

Right.
Tallahassee.

Sure.
You got it?

- Right. Got it.
- Can you help us?

And it's got to be there
by end of day tomorrow.

By tomorrow.
No later.

Uh-huh.
Okay.

Okay.
Over and out.

Can you help us?
We need a drive-away.

$250 deposit and a reference.

A reference?

Somebody local
I can break his balls

if you don't show up
where you're supposed to.

His balls.

Can the reference be a woman?
We don't know a lot of men.

No kidding.

- Where do you want to go?
- Tallahassee.

Tallahassee?

What's wrong with Tallahassee?
It's very nice.

There's Spanish moss
and live oak.

I think Curlie here...

Don't call me Curlie.

Isn't your name Curlie?

My name is Curlie.

We just met. It's too familiar.

Have you ever been
to Tallahassee?

No, I got good sense.

- Your car is a Dodge Aries.
- Oh.

Okay. Is that a good car?

Not really.

You sell those shirts?

There's also a place
here in Wilmington...

Fantastic dyke bar,
the Butter Churn.

And this place,
Levi's Barbecue in Charleston.

Memphis-style barbecue,
really good.

Everyone goes
to Charlie Vergos',

- but it's just...
- Jamie.

It's a straight shot
to Tallahassee.

Down and across.

Right here's the world's
largest Dixie cup

outside of Mitchell, Georgia.

Direct route, down and across.

We don't need to see
the world's largest Dixie cup.

We don't need to enjoy life,
but as long as we're here...

The world's largest Dixie cup
is not life.

It's a straight shot on
the interstate, down and across.

The interstate is not life.

It is, more than
the world's largest Dixie cup.

You're the one that wanted to go birding.
That's nature.

What's a dyke bar?
That's not nature?

Even a Dixie cup,
you could make an argument.

He said it was a rush job.

We're supposed to have
the car there tomorrow.

Tomorrow can wait a day.

We could even go to Miami.

Bikinis and high heels.

A medical doctor?

Or a reverend?

Yeah, no, we don't have
a discount for men of God, no.

No, not for medical doctors, either.

Make up your mind...
Which are you?

It doesn't matter.
We have no discounts.

Our everyday low prices
are already rock bottom.

Thank you for calling Curlie's.

Welcome to Curlie's Drive-Away.

Well, we're here.

Okay. Who are you?

- The car.
- The car?

The Dodge Aries.

The Dodge Aries?

What are you, a mynah bird?

I'm Curlie.

I understand that.

You're not the Dodge.

What do you mean,
we're not the Dodge?

What's the big deal?
The car isn't ours.

But it's art, and the car
is ours till Tallahassee.

And once we get to Tallahassee, it stops
being art and starts being vandalism.

Fuckety-fuck's sake, Marian,
it'll come off with a little

- soap and water.
- It won't.

- Won't what?
- Come off with soap and water.

- Well, how do you know?
- I tried.

Marian, it's art.

Stop saying it's art.

That doesn't end all discussion.

We're gonna be driving through

some conservative towns...
The South.

- The Bible Belt.
- Mm, don't I know it.

Honey, I grew up
where the Bible Belt

meets the ass crack
of the Pecos River.

Fort Worth is nowhere near
the "Pay-cos" River.

That's "Peck-us," honey darling.

And the car art is just a part
of my larger undertaking.

My project.

What's your project?

Loosening you up so we can
get you laid, sugar sweet.

How long's it been?

Weeks?

Months?

Oh, my God, Marian.

Don't tell me it's been years.

H-How many years? Who was it?

You've had sex since
what's-her-name, haven't you?

Donna.

Yeah, Donna.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. Donna?

She work for Al Gore now?

Nader.

That's right.
She just looks like Al Gore.

Wait a minute.

You said people of yours
would come in for it.

Yes, I did.

You call with a drop-off
in Tallahassee,

and then these broads come in

and say they're ready
to go to Tallahassee.

You gave them the car.

You don't know who they were?

I told you their names.

Their names, yes, but...

This place is a dump.

They drive the car
instead of you.

Is that bad?

Bad if they find the goods.

This place is a pigsty.
Why don't you get a girl in?

I like clutter.

They didn't have
a cellular phone?

Sterile doesn't work for me.

He asked you a question,
dick-yank.

- Dick-yank?
- Flint.

I'm a dick-yank?

Don't antagonize.

It's like talking
to a bucket of wet cement.

You wouldn't know wet cement
if it bit you in the ass.

And you would?

So, there's no way
to get in contact with them?

Not per se.

"Per se"?!

They left a local number.

Everybody's got to leave
a local number.

Someone whose balls I can break.

Now you've gone and done it.

Susanne Shinkleman,
2431 North Garnet.

You better hope your friends
deliver that car.

Tomorrow.

This is great.

This is so slutty.
I love this.

- Hope they have postcards.
- Uh, Jamie?

All right,
let's put on our war paint.

The Butter Churn awaits.

Jamie, I think I'd prefer to...

No. No, don't even.

You come with me.

I'll show you how this is done.

Hiya. Do you know
where the Butter Churn is?

It's a dyke bar.

Or do you have, like,
a Time Out Wilmington?

I mean, is there one with,
uh, gay/lesbian listings?

You wouldn't have one,
but do you know

if there's a newsstand
or a lesbian bookstore?

You know, Sapphic Wonders,
something like that?

Hello?

Confidence.

You got to show that you're
comfortable with the physical.

This isn't like meeting somebody
at a NOW convention,

where you talk about
dismantling the patriarchy.

Jamie, I have done this before.

It's just like this.

One message.

You dig the female body.

Your body.

You're like this.

Not like this.

"Let's dismantle
the patriarchy."

I have done this before.

I am not a schoolmarm.

You fuck people
that work for Ralph Nader.

- Not only.
- Only in the last four years.

Three years.

And four months and 14 days.

♪ Peanut, peanut butter ♪

Okay.

♪ Yeah, it tasted real good,
but it stuck to my teeth... ♪

You feeling your body?

Very much so.

Okay.

Who looks good to you?

♪ Peanut, peanut butter... ♪

They all look fine.

Fine?

Like, "You'll do"?

"Please, please
come home with me, baby.

"You seem totally okay.

Are there any other mediocre
ones like you at home?"

I didn't say
they all looked mediocre.

I said they all looked fine.

Yeah, but not in
the sense of "super fine."

In the sense of
"fine, whatever."

Why are you jousting with me?

I'm not jousting.

I'm asking which of these women

you want to throw up
against the wall

and fuck like
there's no tomorrow.

Look, Jamie, I'm not a
"throw up against the wall

and fuck the daylights out of"
kind of person.

Stop trying to make me
something I'm not.

I'm just trying to
get you laid, sugar sweet.

They sense it,

whether you want to fuck them

or you think they're just fine.

I have to be me.

It has to be done
with authenticity.

- You mean with authority.
- I mean with authenticity.

Authenticity gets you somebody
that works for Ralph Nader.

You don't know
what our life was like.

You know nothing
about its worth.

Then why didn't
the two of you move

to Santa Fe and synchronize
your menstrual cycles?

That didn't happen.

That's why you're here
in a dyke bar

looking for cheap, sleazy sex.

No, I'm not.

This is not me.

You're right.
I can't do this.

No, Marian.

I'm sorry, honey girl.
I-I'm saying you can do this.

You can do this.

You can be cheap.
I promise, honey girl.

Your best self.

Jamie, I know
you're well-intentioned,

but this really isn't
right for me.

You should stay and enjoy
your night on the town.

♪ Yeah, come on,
open up that jar... ♪

"On the town"?

♪ Put it on that cracker ♪

- ♪ Peanut, peanut butter ♪
- ♪ Tastes real fine... ♪

Here we go.

Right here. Look.

Hold it. Better.

Great. Turn.

Oh.

Hello.

Good evening.

I'm Amber.

Marian.

What you reading?

Europeans by Henry James.

Wow. Thick one.

Hello, Marian.

Hello.

So, is this gonna be
a threesome?

No.

No, no.

- No.
- Oh. Okay.

Rats.

Well...

I'll just...

How was it?

Bouncy.

How's your book?

Good.

It's about two free spirits

who visit a repressed family
in New England.

Uh, hello. They are all
repressed in New England.

That is why we are going
the other way.

Although there was
this one chick

I screwed once
from New Hampshire.

Uh, she got her tongue
so far in me,

I swore it was gonna
wriggle out my asshole.

No, I'm not kidding.

They say that there's
advanced yoga people

in India supposedly
who can do that.

Black belts in cunnilingus.

They can even
cunniling themselves.

They got pictures of it
in, like, medical texts.

You got to ask the librarian.

They don't keep 'em
in the stacks.

Who wrote your book?

Henry James...

American writer.

Famous family. His brother, too.

Rick?

No, I'm kidding.

I know who Henry James is.

White and uptight.

They had us read
Portrait of a Lady in school.

Boy, that was a great read.

Like somebody dragging day-old
spaghetti across my tits.

That's a very apt simile.

- His prose is labyrinthine.
- Yeah.

Put me off the whole book thing.

Henry James is, in fact,
the reason that I don't read.

- Uh-huh.
- Except road signs.

Uh-huh, yeah. I don't think you should've
brought someone back to the room.

Okay.

I knew this was coming.

How do you think I felt?

You told me to have
a night on the town.

Yeah, people say things.
It's not always what they feel.

Yeah, well, I'm from Texas.
We don't read minds.

We operate on a handshake basis.

- What does that mean?
- "Hiya. How you doing?

"How much for that Cadillac car?

How would you like to have
oral sex?" Texas!

- Okay.
- Where you from, girl?

- Not Texas.
- I know that.

- Well, then why'd you ask?
- I...

♪ You teach me ♪

I don't know. I'm...

♪ You teach me ♪

♪ You ♪

Sorry.

♪ Teach me ♪

♪ You teach me... ♪

No. I'm sorry.

Why are you sorry?

You're good. I'm a little...

No, I'm a big baby sometimes.

Uncle Gino's!

You are not going
to believe this.

See over there?

UNG soccer team.

Uh-huh.

I was in line next to Doreen,
the captain.

Uh-huh.

They're very committed lesbians,

and they're on their way
to Marietta, Georgia,

which is practically on our way.

Not exactly.

We were supposed to deliver
the car today.

Should we look at the map,
see how long...

Forget the map.
After today's game,

these girls are gonna have
a basement party.

And guess who's invited.

I'm sure you are.

Nuh-uh.

Us.

You see?

Shit happens when
you eat at Uncle Gino's.

Goal! Goal!

Hello?

Well,
here I am, my thumb up my ass.

- They didn't.
- No.

That's all right.
We've got a plan B.

Another way to get them back?

Yes, sir.

- I'm not gonna wait forever.
- Yes, sir.

I understand that, sir.

You do understand?

- You got my word on it.
- Your word.

Let me just...

No-show.

♪ And I think
I'm gonna miss you ♪

♪ For a long, long time ♪

♪ 'Cause I've done ♪

♪ Everything I know ♪

♪ To try and make you mine ♪

♪ And I think
I'm gonna love you ♪

♪ For a long ♪

♪ Long time. ♪

Rotate right.

♪ I feel so bad ♪

♪ I've got a worried mind ♪

♪ I'm so lonesome
all the time... ♪

Um...

Ca-Can we, um...

See, actually,
we're just friends.

♪ Baby behind on Blue Bayou ♪

♪ Saving nickels, saving dimes ♪

Come on, Marian.

♪ Working till
the sun don't shine ♪

It's no big deal.

♪ Looking forward
to happier times ♪

♪ On Blue Bayou ♪

♪ I'm going back someday ♪

♪ Come what may ♪

♪ To Blue Bayou ♪

♪ Where the folks are fun ♪

♪ And the world is mine ♪

♪ On Blue Bayou... ♪

- Susanne Shinkleman?
- Susanne Shinkleman.

Who the fuck are you?

Since when do women
curse like that?

You know Jamie Dobbs?

- Do you know Jamie Dobbs?
- You guttersnipe.

Should've known
it was about that cunt!

And Marian Pallavi?

You-you shouldn't do that.

He can't fight back.
He can't hit a girl.

He's old-school.

We just want to locate
your friends.

They inadvertently took
something that belongs to us.

- We don't want to hurt them.
- They're not my friends.

Hurt 'em as much as you want.

Okay.

It would be helpful
if you had a picture.

Picture? Yeah.

Got a picture of one of 'em.

If you find 'em, give it to her.

Okay.

Will do.

♪ Where those fishing boats ♪

♪ With their sails afloat ♪

♪ If I could only see... ♪

If you bring someone back,
just...

I'll take my book to the office.

♪ How happy I'd be... ♪

I still have
a couple of chapters left.

Marian.

We don't yet know exactly
where they are,

but we do know who they are.

We've got a picture of one of
the girls. We're all set to...

Oh,
who gives a shit who they are?

I want the package.

We will find
and deliver the package.

Under control.
I am unhappy.

I understand that
you are unhappy, sir.

Damn right I am.

I've got my two best men
on the...

All right.

Get some coffee.

You two are gonna be
driving all night.

Where you headed, miss?

Home.

And where's that?

Some motel. I don't know.

You don't know?

I can't remember the name.

A motel on the highway.

And where you coming from?

A house.

Whose house?

I don't know.

It was a slumber party.

Little old for slumber parties,
aren't you, miss?

Look, mister...

You know what?

I'm gonna drop you off at home.

Aw.

Hey, handsome.

Hey, handsome.

Want to get plastered?

I'll drive when it's my turn.

At the end of three hours.

I have no sympathy for you,
my friend.

You could've just asked her,
and you'd be fine right now.

I just asked. She answered.

But you cannot relate
to the public,

which, in a service profession,
is a big fucking handicap.

And that sound

is beginning to get irritating.

Well, your lectures
are getting irritating.

I don't lecture, my friend.
That's my point.

I take people in. I react.

I read people
to get what I want.

You, though,
you think life is this

orderly series of people
to beat the shit out of.

Well, real life
is not like that.

You only see it that way
because you're not nourished

by human contact, the human
give-and-take, so forth.

Uh-uh. "Me want, me take."

That's what you're
comfortable with.

- Yeah, yeah.
- Caveman shit.

You don't engage
the whole person.

Well, you did a great job
helping me engage

that very agile harpy.

Didn't have to.

No need whatsoever
for the physical approach,

which you couldn't see
because you don't savor

the stuff of life.

I'm not a sissy boy,
if that's what you mean.

Kiss my ass. I...

- Hello?
- Okay, we're on track.

Marian Pallavi was picked up
for vagrancy

last night in Marietta, Georgi.

- Just north of Atlanta.
- On it.

Georgia.

Thank you.

For what?

Just picking me up.

Am I not gonna pick you up?

Hard not to.

"Ma'am, your friend here is in the
hoosegow. Care to come get her?"

I'll come get you
all day, every day.

I will not let a friend of mine
rot in prison

longer than is
absolutely necessary.

And so I say thank you.

Course, you ain't told me
how you come to be in prison,

and I've been careful
not to ask,

but damn, Marian,

landing yourself in prison is
a very hopeful sign for you.

I think it was jail, not prison.

Oh. I'm sorry.

Uh, you ain't told me
how you come to be in jail.

It wasn't hell-raising.

Sorry to disappoint.

A policeman didn't like my tone.

Oh.

You copped some attitude.

I don't have attitude.

Marian, if I may,

there are certain things in life

which you got to sense
and understand

in order to live life,

and one of the things that
you got to understand is, uh...

well, all these
funny little creatures

that you probably noticed
walking around on two legs,

we call 'em human beings.

Got to understand
what makes 'em tick.

And your whole social situation,

you got to understand
what that is.

Uh-huh.

You know what that means?

"Social situation"?

I know what
"social situation" means.

Okay, good.

So, the whole thing
with a cop is...

And you should remember this
for future reference...

When you're in
a social situation with a cop,

there ain't no social situation.

There's a "keep your fucking
mouth shut" situation.

There's a "yes, sir" situation
is what there is.

Believe me, honey doll,
I've been dating a cop

for two years now, and...

I ain't talking through
my vulva here.

Thank you. I understand.

But if authority
is being abused,

- there's an obligation to...
- Holy shit.

Florida.

Lesbian...

don't let the sun
go down on you here.

You okay?

Spare tire.

What?

Something burning?

Jamie, it's cold.

Don't touch it.

I saw this movie once where

they come across this box,
the people in the movie,

and they opened the box,

and it was, like,
really, really bad.

Head!

No, I'm kidding.

It was a minor traffic accident.

Fast stop.

His, uh, face hit the wheel.

Looking at a pretty girl,
weren't you, Flint?

No more looking at
pretty girls for you, right?

That's right.

So, are they, like,
wanted or something?

Oh, no, no. No, they're not
in trouble at all.

Just drove off
with something we need.

Didn't even know they had it.

So, what were you all
doing here last night?

Just making out.

Oh, yeah?

With who?

No kiss-and-tell, huh?

Anyway, we need to find
those girls to get our...

sample case back.

And when we heard Doreen here
paid Marian's fine, we thought,

well, you girls might know
where they're headed.

How did you know about
its being Doreen's check?

We have contacts
in law enforcement.

No, no.

We should just call the cops.

We will, Jamie.

First, we should see
what's in here.

Why? I don't want to look.

- Why do I have to look?
- Jamie, listen.

Whoever sliced that head off
knows who we are.

This might tell us who they are,

so we won't be
at a disadvantage.

The police can find out,
and the police can protect us.

Protect us?

They're not the Secret Service,
and we're not Chelsea Clinton.

What do we lose by looking?

Look.

I just want to know
what's going on.

This might tell us.

I bet it's locked.

- We got to call the cops.
- Why?

That was awful.

You just said
not to call the cops.

In ignorance.

No, what you said was true.

The cops could think
you're involved.

You just spent
the night in jail.

For vagrancy.

We wouldn't have anything
to do with... that.

Okay, honey, cool your jets.

Here's what we do.

First, we get to Tallahassee.

Bye!

How about next time,
you let me do all the talking?

Sure, gassing is
what you're good at.

Well it sure as hell
ain't what you're good at.

I'm not a suck-up or a salesman.

Uh-huh.
You think you would've gotten

the address
where they're headed?

I don't think so, Mr. Sunshine.

Okay, we've got
some hard driving to do.

Bye!

Welcome to El Conquistador.

Yeah, hiya. Do you have a room
for two right away?

Uh, we do have one available.
Yes. How many nights?

Well, tonight,
and then we'll play it by ear.

You take the Rainbow Card?

Uh, I'm sure we do.

Yes, actually, that's just
a, uh, Visa specialty card.

Yeah, but they give
a percentage of each purchase

to gay, lesbian, bi,
transgender charities.

You do that, right?

Well, the issuer would be
the one to take care of that.

Do you have
a super reinforced safe

for sensitive materials?

We do have in-room safes

for any valuables
that you may have.

This place is
lesbian-friendly, right?

Uh, yes. Uh, well, sure.

We're friendly to anyone
who wants to stay.

Do you have ice?

This is it?

They said Farm Road 80.

What's the matter?

Afraid of the stuff of life?

Is this, um... Slappy's?

That's right.

Have you seen two, um,
nonlocal women come in here?

That's one of them.

I was sittin' here listening

to Junior Kimbrough
a couple years back.

One girl come in here,
appear to be to me a half local.

I don't recollect two
come in here any time recent.

Now, that's true.

Love will bite your ass.

Oh, I can send Sukie.

But why would these people
just be waiting there

in the drive-away office?

Well, clearly, this was not

your garden-variety
decapitation.

This was some kind of a...

Well, I don't know what it was,

but they know
we have their stuff.

Yeah?

Look, Marian,
they can't find us.

Maybe they're waiting
for us to find them.

That's the only place
we'd know to call.

But why would we get
in touch with them?

Sell it back, shake 'em down.

Which, incidentally,
is not such a bad idea.

Jamie.

Look, I didn't invent extortion.

But, Jamie,
why would Susanne help us?

She hates you.

Oh, she's had
two days to cool off.

Get the fuck back
in that lockup.

Officer Kracik said
I could speak to my attorney.

Attorney?
Are you a college boy?

Officer Kracik said
I could speak to my lawyer.

Officer Kracik
ain't running booking.

I'm running booking, jackass.

- He said...
- You want me to walk over there

and kick your number-running ass

back into
the Delaware fucking River?

Who's running booking?

- You are.
- Who is?

- You are.
- No fucking shit!

- Shink!
- Yeah.

Telephone.

Sergeant Shinkleman.

Hey. It's me.

Oh, what a lovely surprise.

Sukie, come on, now.
Let's be friends. I...

Did the two creeps find you?
What?

The two weirdos looking for you.

I tried to be helpful.

Uh, but who were they?
How should I know?

Bill collectors,
herpes patients.

Two more people
you fucked over somehow.

- George and Lennie.
- George and Lennie?

Of Mice and Men.
Have you read any books?

Books, maybe not, but, sweetie,

I'm gonna help you break
a big murder case.

"Break a big murder case"?

Just go over
to Curlie's Drive-Away.

Curlie's Drive-Away?
Yeah.

And you ask Curlie about...

Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Turn that down!

Ask him about the what
in the attaché case?

You should see what they got
locked up in that thing.

Jamie, that is about

the dumbest thing
I've ever heard, and I'm a cop.

Why would I make it up?
Just go to Curlie's Drive-Away.

I guarantee you someone's there.

You guarantee?
I'm supposed to believe you?

Fine. You know what?
If no one's there,

I'll take Alice.

Really? Swear?

Yes, I swear. I pussy-promise.
I will take the dog.

You'll never have to deal
with her again.

A juke joint where?

Wetumpka, Alabama.

Well, outside of Wetumpka.

They hadn't been there,

but a very personable
music lover

told us of another juke joint

- fairly close by called...
- You see?

Stop!

Called Ike's.

Maybe he said "Mike's."

Maybe he said "Mike."

Uh, "Mike" or... But whatever.

I think the soccer team
was just confused

about which joint
these girls were going to,

so we're gonna drive...

Stop saying words.

One of the girls
finally used a credit card.

They arrived in Tallahassee

and checked into a hotel
called El Conquistador.

Tallahassee.

I want you to get
your asses over there

and take care of it right away.

Not a juke joint.

You should arrive
by early morning.

I'll meet you there.

Uh, I'll level with you, Chief.

Flint and me could use
a little shut-eye.

We have not slept
since the night before last,

and we...

Hello?

- Chief?
- Who's in Tallahassee?

Certainly.

There are a number of places
I can recommend locally,

or right here at the hotel,

we have Espadrilles
for casual dining,

or we have Baxter's by the Pool,

which is our more elegant venue
down in the lower level.

Maybe we should stay here.

Replenish the ice.

This is great, but how...

Ladies, are we enjoying
a beverage this evening?

Rainbow.

Yes.

Uh, can we get
some champagne, please?

Like, a really, really good one?

Of course.

Won't you have to pay
for the card at some point?

Theoretically.

So...

I've been thinking
about it, and...

finally dawned on me that
you are not the kind of person

that a girl brings to
a roadside motel for a quickie.

Now, I have heard of
the more soulful sex

where you have a nice dinner
and conversation first

so it all comes out of
someplace deeper,

but I usually have stuff to do.

Perrier-Jouët Belle Epoque '95.

You mean you want
to sleep with me?

Marian, you have got to have
a good, steamy fuck.

Something I decided

last night
while I was lying in bed

before I started masturbating,
and I figure,

it's important to me,
I should take care of it myself.

Especially since, with you,

it's got to be with somebody
who cares for you.

Am I right?

Can't just be a finger
jiggling your clit and adios.

- Thank you.
- My pleasure. Madame?

Yes, please.

But is it a good idea
for us to have sex?

I mean, we're good friends,

and maybe it's not supposed
to be more than that.

Maybe we shouldn't risk
ruining it.

Look, you can always find
reasons to not have sex,

and if you think about them
too much, guess what.

- You never have sex.
- Exactly.

Like my high school
guidance counselor.

She was always saying
that this or that

- would be inappropriate.
- Uh-huh.

But when I finally
got her to relax,

the sex was great.

Ladies, have we decided?

Don't rush us, buddy.

First, we'll dance.

Maybe I do overthink things.

Yeah.

Got to keep that brain loose,
let that mind fly.

There was this one time
I was with Debbie Augenblick.

Ah, you know Debbie.

She's got this humongous dildo
she's got mounted

on a Black & Decker
circular sander,

and she had me going
like my brains were gonna

come out the top
of my freaking skull.

I mean, I came like the
Grand Burlington motherfuck...

One accomplishment.

Huh? Name me one.

At least I'm in the arena
dealing with people.

Those girls wound you up
like a top.

Flint, have you ever
fucked a woman

on a creaky porch swing

on a warm summer evening...
Crickets, so forth?

I mean, just fucked her
like there's no tomorrow,

trousers around your ankles,

belt jangling,
yelling to beat the band,

slamming away
like a Cincinnati jackhammer.

Yes, people might stroll by

and see you
looking foolish up there

slapping ham on the veranda,

but that is the price you pay
for interaction.

If this is too messy for you,
then you will spend

the rest of
your miserable fucking life

just hitting people and then
pulling your measly little pud.

Can't wait to tell the chief.

Yeah, and why don't you
also tell him

that you're
a social fucking imbecile

that I've been carrying
on my back

all the way from Philadelphia!

Help.

"Big case."

That woman.

Won't anybody save Curlie?

Wake me in Tallahassee.

Yes, sir.

Honey, we eating soon?

Okay.

Oh. All right.

Jamie?

Waited for you
as long as I could.

Jamie, no!

Jamie, why?

Oh, my God.

Marian.

Sir?

- Sir.
- Hmm?

Tallahassee, sir.

Where to, exactly?

Yes, um...

The track.

Dog track? Yes, sir.

Those penises are trouble,
Jamie.

Oh, come on now.

I thought you were
gonna loosen up.

You gonna work your way
through all of them?

No. I like this one.

Oh, come on. Don't be mad.

Last night was beautiful,

but you fell asleep
and I didn't get my turn

on the waterslide,
if you know what I'm saying.

Okay!
All right!

Everyone, relax. Stay calm.

We're here for two things.

Careful with that thing,
you fucking moron!

Screw you!

We're here for two items.

Whoa. She's naked.

All right, no big deal.
Just a naked lady.

We're here for two items.

Yes, this. Please and thank you.

- And the head box.
- Head box!

Fuck you!
Don't you fucking lecture me!

All right, ladies.
No need to panic. One more time.

Please and thank you.
We're all friends here.

Two items. Don't panic. Okay.

Let's get this show on the road.

Yeah, baby.

You're such a big, bouncy,
beautiful baby.

Love doesn't have to die, baby.

Whoa.

This is so groovy.

Now I can love you forever.

Whoa.

And ever

and ever and ever

- and ever and ever.
- And ever and ever.

Never to wilt, never to wane.

Never to wilt, never to wane.

Never to wilt, never to wane.

Never to wilt, never to wane.

Never to wilt, never to wane.

Never to wilt...

Took 'em straight here.

Haven't debriefed 'em, Chief.

Figured you want to do
the talking.

This is all they had?

What's all they had?

Ladies, you're a day late
and a dick short.

What are you talking about?

The senator's penis
is not in the case!

- Not in the...
- Well, that just figures.

Come on, girls.

Where's the last phallus?

You didn't check the case
before you left?

I-I...

He's been stepping on his dick
the whole way down, Chief.

What have you done, jerk-off?

I got the Spanish guy's head,
Einstein!

They gave you the combination,

and it still took you
15 minutes!

- I never slip up.
- Right, left,

past the first number.

The senator is a good man.

He smoked marijuana
once in college.

Many of us did.

It was a different time.

He went to a party
and met a hippie chick,

Tiffany Plaster Caster.

Housekeeping.

She took a plaster cast
of his excited...

thing.

She made one model
of each of her "old men."

At the time, the senator
didn't know that someday

he'd be called on to serve
his community, his state,

and perhaps someday, his nation.

He was just a kid.

His penis passed
from hand to hand.

Finally ended up
with an international collector

named
Alejandro Santos y Obrador.

You saw him, sort of.

This penis cannot become
a piece of merchandise.

Think of it: eBay,

"Senator Gary Channel's
ding-dong, lightly used."

Comments, reviews.

Think of what
it would do to him.

His children, his family,
his career.

We're not unreasonable.

We'll gladly pay for it.

We just...

Will you please shut up!

That wasn't my idea!

I was just trying
to keep us awake.

I was experimenting.

But you liked it.

- No, I didn't!
- I could tell.

Hey, it was the Irish coffee.
I was drunk!

Drunk on cock.

- No! I didn't.
- It's not my thing.

I was just trying
to help you be a man.

- To understand life.
- No!

- The stuff of life!
- No, no, no!

God, man, what are you doing?!

Mommy.

All right, we have to
get back to the hotel

and grab the penis
out of the bed.

Then we switch hotels.

You grab the penis.
I'll meet you at the hotel.

Okay. The La Lanterna.

I'll check in
under the name Abzug.

- Where are you going?
- Art store.

Next customer, please.

Shinkleman.
Going to Tallahassee.

Don't ask me why.

Committee to Reelect.

I need to speak to the senator.

Well, who should I say
is calling?

Someone who has his...

personal effects.

Who is this?

Senator?

Yes. Who is this?

Somebody who wants
a million dollars.

If you can get it by tonight,
you can have your thing back.

Everybody's things.

I'll tell you where to bring
the money. Come alone.

If you're not alone,

believe me, I'll know it.

Someone named Jamie Dobbs

made a phone call
from here last night.

Uh, yeah. Mm-hmm.

Well, this is for her.

Oh, I'm sorry, miss.

You've missed them.

Um, her-her friend
just checked them out.

Done.

With what?

Tell you later.
I'm gonna clean up.

Want to join me?

Jamie.

I want...

Uh-huh?

I... I-I want...

What do you want, sugar sweet?

I want to make love
with the senator's penis.

Who are you?

Democrats.

Mind if we sit down?

Are they all there?

Count 'em.

We didn't deserve this...

this commodification.

These are all good people.

Important people, too,
some of them.

There's the head of one of the
bigger Fortune 500 companies.

The owner of
a large-market football team.

A Supreme Court justice.

You little people
titillate yourselves

with something
that was never meant for you,

trafficking in
other people's attainments.

Senator, save the sanctimony.

And hand over
the million smackers.

I used to believe in
the unfettered free market.

I don't know.

Whose head, Senator?

Don't get lofty with me, women.

Did we do the wrong thing?

What if he's the next president?

You girls are cute.

My friends and me are having
a little basement party later.

You want to join?

Not tonight.

Sukie?

There you are.

So what was that
crackhead phone call about?

Wha-What do you mean?
How'd you know I'd be here?

How many dyke bars are there
in Tallahassee?

What, are you an executive now?

Did they, uh, make you
the president

of Little Miss Liar Pants, Inc.?

Oh, this? No, I just, uh...

'Cause we thought
they didn't know where we were,

but somehow they did,
and this morning,

they put us in the back
of a Toyota Tercel

and took us to the dog track,
and I'm sure

they were gonna kill us,
but lucky for us,

they had left
the most important penis behind.

Well, you've had a full day.

She's yours now.

Hang on. This doesn't look good.

Motherfucker.

What's she chasing?

Yeah.

We forgot to tell you about

the suave guy's head
in the hatbox.

Boy, I think
I could win against him.

And now we get to just
keep on going.

Who's gonna complain
if we keep the car?

Things could not have
worked out better.

Well, I guess.

What's wrong?

I am fully aware that the
senator is a terrible person,

but I have to admit,

I'll miss his...

No worries, girl.

I made a cast.

And two copies.

Great.

But why two?

For each other.

Ladies, your visitor is here.

Can we get our car?

You know, hers and hers.

Aunt Ellis.

Oh, hello, darling.

- She's your aunt?
- Uh-huh.

Uncle John met her in church.

Watch what you say.
She's very religious.

So good to see you.

This is my friend Jamie.

Oh, how are you, young lady?

This your first time
in Tallahassee?

Yes, ma'am,
and what a beautiful city.

- Not like Miami.
- Oh, no, no.

Not like Miami.

You able to stay with us long?

No, unfortunately...

Right after birding,
we're off to Massachusetts.

- We just decided last night.
- Jamie.

Well, what do they have
in Massachusetts

that we don't have right here
in North Florida?

Women can get married there.

To each other?

Hmm.

Well, that's an innovation.

Ladies!