All language subtitles for Children Ruin Everything s04e05 Bedtime.eng

(Dynamic music)

?

(Text on screen)

(Viv): I'd beat you in a race.
(Felix): No, I'd beat you.

(James): Stop, stop!
Finish your dinner!

(Astrid): Dude, you're growing.

Who's my big boy?
- Still me.

(Felix): Could I be excused?

- Yes, you both can be excused.

- But I asked first.

- Well, you can get
a three-second head start.

- Sweet.
- No fair!

- You can have a three-second
head start on Morris.

- In your face, Morris!

I'm gonna beat you, Felix!

(James): Three, two, one.
(Felix): There's no way.

I had a big head start.

- And you're off. Boom!

(Felix): I'm way ahead of you.

(Viv): Oh, yeah?!
(Felix and Viv continue arguing)

(soft music)

- Oh, hello.

Time for the bedtime shift.

- No rest at the kid factory.

(inhales)

- Maybe if we put them to bed

quick enough,
we can do something.

- That's a good joke.
(laughs)

- Watch a movie.
- Okay, James.

Why don't we just make a movie?

No, we do not have the time or
stamina for any kind of cinema.

- Wanna send each other TikToks
'til we fall asleep?

(gasps)
- That's a date.

(James): Before kids,
the time a couple had to just hang out was unlimited.

(Astrid): Unlimited
is obviously not true.

(James): I remember it
being unlimited.

(Astrid): Anyway,
there's still a magic time

when parents get
to be alone together.

That time is after
the kids go to bed.

(Morris): Yay.
(James): Ah, okay, get ready.

Where are you going?

- Brush it, brush it, brush it.
Let's go.

(Astrid): But kids don't
want to go to bed.

They actively avoid it.

They either have too much
energy or, and this is real,

they're too tired to sleep.

(sighs)

(James): And the older they get,
the later they go to bed.

But the older you get,
the earlier you go to bed,

so the window for magic hangout
time gets smaller and smaller.

- I'm going to bed.
I'm spent.

- I gotta load the dishwasher.
- 'K.

(mumbling): I love you.

(Astrid): Then because
you're not hanging out anymore,

you feel less like a couple.

Wanna hang out this weekend?
- Hmm, yeah.

Sounds good.
Text me.

(James): And more like...
roommates.

(rhythmic music)

- Hello.
- Whoa.

? There she is, it's the
woman that I married ?

? Smells so sweet unless
she's had some dairy ?

(laughs)
Ah, don't touch me.

- I see.

You haven't spoken
to another adult all day?

- Nope. Did you get
my voicemail though?

- I did. Yeah, sorry,
it was a very busy day

and I only got through
the first 10 minutes of it.

- Oh, then you missed
the best part.

- Oh, is the house on fire?
(gasps)

Is that?
(gasps)

- Boulevard Bash, our favourite
fighting game? Yeah-huh.

- I can't believe
you found this.

- Mm-hmm.
- What was it doing in the vegetable crisper?

- Kids never look in there.
- You're a genius.

We need to encourage
better eating habits.

- We should.
But first, we fight.

- Ah, when do we get
to play this?

- Uh, why don't we do it tonight
after the kids go to bed?

- Yeah, but we're
gonna be so tired.

- But lookout! Chocolate
covered espresso beans,

so now we can play until
our hearts give right out.

- Okay, as much as I love
your complete disregard for our long-term health.

- And short-term.
- How about we get the kids

to bed on time for once?

(gasps)
(mumbles)

- Even Viv?
- Well, especially Viv.

If we can steel ourselves to
their adorable stalling tactics,

then we might have
a fighting chance

to Boulevard Bash each other's
brains out later.

- Ooh, you are dead meat.

- No, you are.

(TV playing in background)

(phone buzzing)

You ready for this?

(exhaling)
- Let's do it. Let's do it!

- Okay.
- Okay!

Guess what?
It's time for bedtime.

(imitates airhorn)

- But I'm not even tired.

- It's not my bedtime.
I still have homework to do.

- What, are you researching
an article on procrastination?

Go on, get outta here.
(James): All right, Viv,

time for you to make
a little decision.

Who's gonna put you to bed?
Is it gonna be Mommy

or is it gonna be Daddy?
Now you know how Daddy do.

You know Daddy love to do it.
But Mommy hasn't done it in a very long time.

I just feel like maybe
she's, she's harbouring some, some hurt feelings.

- You know I want to so bad.
I really, really hope it's me.

But Daddy does the funny voices
when he tells the stories.

I can't do the funny voices.
Daddy's so talented.

Daddy's so funny.
- I have a tickle.

- Eenie-meenie-miney-mo.
Catch a tiger by his toe.

If he hollers let him go.
Eenie-meenie-miney-mo.

- Yay! We have a winner!
- Okay, it's Daddy.

- Daddy's gonna put you to--
- My Mommy said yes,

no, so that means go.

- There, and Mommy is the--
- Yay, it's me, let's go.

- Champion.

(Viv): First comes wee...
- More, okay.

- Then comes poo.

Poo is smelly.

- Too long! All right,
Daddy's gonna put you to bed.

But Mommy's gonna
put a barrier up on Morris' crib because he fell out.

- Okay, but you know, when kids
fall out of bed once, they typically don't do it again.

- He fell out twice.
- Okay, James, do not rile Viv up before bed.

You know how you get like...

- It's not my fault
that my finger always happens

to find her armpit.
(Viv laughing)

What? Oh, my God.
- James! James!

- I can't control it!
(laughing)

You're right. Let's go.

(Viv laughing)
Let's go, you little nugget.

- I'm a not a nugget, I'm a--
- You're a nugget.

You little chicken nugget.

(Astrid): "The moon smiled
and the stars giggled

as Kyle the Kite drifted into
a noodle filled dreamland."

Okay, night, night.

(gentle music plays)

Okay, ugh.

Barrier.

Okay.

There we go.

Okay.

(Morris thuds to floor)

(Morris): I'm hun-gy.

(curious music)

- You actually have
to move the bristles across the teeth, honey.

- I can't find
any teeth in here.

- No stalling tonight, kiddo.

- Fine-uh!
Brush my teeth.

- Yes, good.
- If a wizard helps me.

- No, come on, we're not
doing that tonight.

Let's go.
Brush your teeth, please.

(exhales)
- I have a question.

A serious one.

- Is it serious?
- Yes, it is.

- Is it?
- Yes.

- Serious question.
- Yes.

- What is it?

- Why are you such
a bingle-bongle?

(with an accent): Why are you
such a dingle-dongle?

(normal): No, see that's,
this is not,

we're not getting me
sucked into this tonight.

Come on, let's go.
Getting ready for bed is serious business.

- What happened to you?

- Look, sometimes,

life is about being playful,

and sometimes it's about
being mature.

And now is not... No, I know
you're not really asleep.

(fake snores)

This is a snore?

(snoring)

It's a wild interpretation
of snoring.

(snoring crescendos)
Okay, come on, come on, come on.

(dreamy music)

- This is... Good job.

(Morris thuds to floor)

(whispering): How? How?

(curious music)

(James): Behold!

The magical potential
of my facial fuzz.

The lather shall guide
the way as a powerful wizard

is a bearded wizard-uh!

- Dad, where's the duct tape?
- Hmm?

- What?
You never let me shave you.

You said I'd cut myself.
- I said you'd cut me.

Also, she's not shaving me
she's-- Wait a minute, what?

You need duct tape? For what?
- School project.

- Your homework was
an entire school project?

It's almost time for bed.
- I'm almost done.

I just need to finish
one more thing.

- Okay, it's in the cupboard
by the, in the laundry room.

Hurry.
Let's go, let's go.

Oh.

- Time to brush your teeth.

- You're telling me to brush?
- Yeah!

- It's time for you to brush...
What are we doing?

(curious music)

(shushes)

Hey, how'd it go?

- Yeah, yeah, good.
Not bad. You?

- Yeah, very efficient.

- Still have some shaving
cream by your ear.

- Huh? Oh, no that's... where?
Ah yeah, you know what?

That's been there all day, so.
- Oh.

- Did you put up the barrier?
- Yes.

- Okay, well, I'm just
gonna put Viv to bed.

- Okay, why don't you put
her to bed in our room?

Let Morris settle.
We can move her over after.

- She's a smart lady.
Your mom's smart.

- You could both put me to bed!
(shushes)

- Yeah, yeah.
- We're still on schedule.

- Yes!
(both shush)

Daddy, do the wizard again!

- That's not...
she's not telling.

She doesn't know what
she's talking about. She's very overtired.

All right, two down, one to go.

(Felix laughing wildly)

(Astrid): Oh, no,
did he find the console?

- Worse.
- Felix, those are not for you!

- Oh! Okay, that makes sense
'cause they're so gross and bitter.

Yeah, they're the grossest
thing I've ever eaten.

But I can't stop eating them.
Even though they're super gross.

But I just feel like
I can live forever.

Which is weird, right?
Ha, ha.

- What do we do?
- I think maybe we give him warm milk?

- That's a latte, James.

You're proposing we turn
him into a latte?

- Felix, why are you
still eating them?

- You never told me to stop!

Am I allowed to go for a jog?

That'd be great.
(thud upstairs)

- Morris?

- Sounded a little big
for Morris.

(Viv): Ow!
(James): Viv?

(Viv and Morris crying)
(Felix jittering)

(James): My dude.
- No!

(Viv): Morris' nightlight
was keeping me up.

So, I got up to go turn it off.

But when I tried to go back
to bed, I couldn't see.

- You banged into the wall?

- You need a flashlight
by the nightlight.

And a pillow on the wall
in case the battery runs out.

- Okay.
Why don't we get back to bed?

- Okay, Mommy.
- Okay.

- How come I don't
have a grandpa?

- Oh, boy, that is
such a big question.

- This is the beautiful model of
the Canadarm2, which is on ISS.

It stands for the International
Space Station.

There's also a model
of the Canadarm3,

which is for a space station
on the moon!

Oh, my gosh, I'm so confident.
I know my teacher's

gonna give me an A plus, plus,
like last time.

And I can't wait to see
the look on Lorenzo's face.

Because last time he got a C
on his test and I got an A.

Oh my gosh, I feel so great.

And I also measured
the height of this.

It's uh... I forgot the height
of it but it's super cool.

And I kinda got stuck
on this part right here,

but I just did my own thing,
you know?

But I also can't wait to see
the look on Lorenzo's face.

'Cause last time he got a C on
his test and then I got an A,

and I'm pretty sure I'm gonna
get an A plus, plus this time.

I don't even know
if they can do that.

(Leonard): Wow,
what a nice group.

Thank you for coming. Somebody
was, did some hard time.

Was that you?
(woman): Yeah.

- Well, it's great you
could be here today.

One thing I wanted to say
is there is no housing crisis.

Let's call it what it is,
a housing "cris-us".

Because housing affects us all.

- That's good.
Did you write that?

- Yeah. Well, AI did,
but I picked it. Yeah.

- I wanna cut the crap
in your unique communities.

Sound good?
- I got like, no sleep last night.

- I slept like a baby.
I think.

I've actually never seen
a baby sleep before.

- Have you ever seen
yourself sleep?

- Uh, so I'd like to think
that a vote for Leonard Flynn

is a vote for Leonard Flynn.

(woman): Huh?

(curious music)

- Shoot. Stupid AI.

Okay, Leonard, how about
we all get a picture?

What do you think?
- Oh, yeah.

Picture with me with the various
diverse community leaders.

Great idea.

- All right,
big smiles everybody.

(yawns loudly)

- I think you made us yawn,
Astrid.

Can we go again?
- Yeah, sure.

Ready? Everyone ready?

(yawning loudly)

(everyone yawns)

Okay, yeah that looks good.
(Leonard): Got it.

- I like it, yeah.
- Well uh, Leonard's really

excited to hear about your
thoughts and concerns and--

- Astrid.

- Which is why he's putting me
in charge of doing that.

- So, "A vote for Leonard Flynn
is a vote for Leonard Flynn?"

- Yeah, that one slipped
through the cracks.

As did "Homes are perfect
for living in."

- Oh, I didn't mind that one.

But Astrid, your job is to
make it look like I care.

- I know, I'm sorry. My kids
just kept me up all night.

- Well, that's why my wife
and I live in separate houses.

- Leonard, people cannot
know you have two homes.

- I have three houses.
- Shh!

- And a coach house
and a cottage.

- Shh! Shh! Shh!

(both exhale)

Doesn't living apart make
you guys feel disconnected?

- No, we feel very connected
if and when we decide to, you know, get together.

Oh, Astrid. I think you need
to get some sleep.

Okay?

Cut the crap?
- Oh.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

(curious music)

- I don't wanna live
in separate houses, James.

- Is this a vow renewal?

- We need to bash
on the boulevard.

And not just because
I love slapping the taste outta your mouth,

but because we need
to hang out right now

or we'll be putting
our relationship on hold until the kids are gone.

- Yeah, especially 'cause
they are never leaving.

Do you know how much that house
went for across the street?

- They are going to bed on time,

and they are staying in bed,
starting tonight.

You know what that means.

- Sleeping pills?
- Family meeting.

- Family meeting.

(James): We wanna talk
to you about your bedtime.

- I'd like to talk
about facial hair.

- Morris and I are doing a play.

- Why isn't Felix in it?
- He doesn't wanna be the dog.

- There's too much sleeping.

- How are you people
not exhausted after last night?

Give me your energy.
Come on, hand it over. Give it to me.

- The reason Mommy wants
to mug you for your life force

is because y'all
stayed up too late.

- Guess what?
That ends tonight.

Boom, in your faces.
Starting right now,

bedtime is a hard deadline.

- Morris 6 to 8, depending
on his nap situation.

Vivian, your bedtime is 8.
Felix, your bedtime is 9.

Gink.
- But I'm not even tired by 8.

- Well then,
close your eyes and pretend.

- Astrid, could I have a little
sidebar over here, please?

- Sure.

- If we put Viv to bed
a bit later,

that gives Morris time
to settle, which means we don't

have to move her
from our bed to hers.

(Astrid): Viv, we've agreed
to extend your bedtime to 8:30.

- Yes!
- What? No fair!

If Viv gets a later bedtime,
then don't you think uh,

Mr. Felix should get
a later bedtime, too?

- Okay, no.
This isn't negotiation, my man.

- James, a moment.

If Felix gets more time
as a trial,

he's gonna wanna prove
that he can handle it,

and then give us less trouble.

(suspenseful music)

(James): Okay, to recap,
Felix in bed by 9:30.

Gets an extra 15 minutes
for music only, no screens, which means in bed by 9:15.

Viv, bedtime 8:30.

Allowed one bedtime story,
one bathroom trip, and two random questions.

- Can I also have music
until I fall asleep?

My dreams have been really
boring lately.

I need some help.

(suspenseful music)

- We have a deal.
- I knew we'd get there.

- I feel really good about this.

(James): I wish Morris
felt the same.

(imitates): 7:00 is so early.

What am I, some kind of baby?
(Felix and Viv giggle)

(Astrid): Raising kids is a lot
like playing video games.

It's exciting to get
to a new level.

(game chimes)
(James): Until you realize

that the next level
is so much harder

than the one you were just on.

- Another video game thing
is how the toys on the floor are like spikes.

So many spikes.

(game warbles)

(Astrid): Did we actually do it?
Are they all in bed?

- Mm-hmm, even Felix.
- Did you tuck him in?

- Hmm, I'm about to go up
in five minutes.

- Okay.
- Thank you.

- How long 'til I can start
kicking the crap outta you?

- Oh, so soon, my sweet.
- Oh, that's too long!

- Hmm. Did you get the video
I sent you of um,

the guy who makes
the voices for the dogs?

(evil voice): I'm gonna eat you.

(normal): That guy?
I love that guy.

Every time I see a dog,
I do that voice for them.

(evil voice):
I'm gonna rip out your throat.

- He's very delightful.
- He's so talented.

(evil voice): I'm gonna eat your
family while they're sleeping.

(evil voice): I'm gonna rip
out your Achilles.

(Astrid laughs)
(normal): What a delight.

- Truly the greatest.
- That dog was adorable.

- Hey, there's no sound.
- Did you click the um,

speaker in the bottom corner?
- A-doy, I did not.

- Did you just a-doy yourself?

- Well, I can't a-doy you
and I have to a-doy someone

'cause the a-doys build up
and I get a migraine.

(evil voice, in the distance):
I'm gonna bite your brains out.

I'm gonna crush you!

- Where is that coming from?

- Oh, my God,
Viv's Bluetooth speaker.

(evil voice): I'm gonna
bite your arm in half if you don't give me a treat!

- Oh, my God, I'm so sorry, Viv.

(Astrid): Sorry, sorry, sorry.

(evil voice stops)
- Okay, well.

- How's Morris?
- Yeah, he's, he's, he's still sleeping.

- Thank God.
- You okay, Viv?

- Why did you turn off my music?
- Oh.

- That was not a part
of our deal.

- Oh, that's,
were you not scared?

- No, I'm sad about
not hearing music.

- Okay, well we can turn
the music back on for you.

You're not scared.
You're sure?

- Yes.
- Okay.

- Night, night, Viv.
- Good night, Viv.

Night, sweetie.

(gentle music playing)

Should we be scared of Viv?

- I've been scared
of her for years.

- You know what's weird
is that Felix did not

come out of his room to see
what was happening.

- The light is on.
- Oh!

- He's either still listening
to music or he's on his iPad.

- Rat!
- That rat!

When will these kids learn
they can't get one over on us?

- Hmm, you know when?

(both): Right now.

- Okay, come on.

On three we do it.
- Okay.

- On three we bang, okay. One.

(both): Two, three.

(music crescendos)

(Astrid): Ah, pow!
(James): You're busted!

- Like, oh.
(gasps)

- What happened?

- Ooh.
- What?

No! That was due tomorrow.

- I'm sorry, buddy.
- What am I gonna do now?

- I guess the only thing
we can do is fix the model.

- Yeah, we skip school tomorrow.
- What?

- What? Say, uh, obviously...
- Fix the model.

unpiloted supply shipsanadb

and attach them
to the space station.

They're called "cosmic catches."
- Cool ska band name.

You know, when I was your age,
I wanted to be an astronaut.

- Really?
- Mm-hmm.

- Why didn't you?
- Same reason I didn't become

a professional
basketball player.

I'm just, I'm scared of heights.

- What did you wanna be
when you were a kid, Mom?

- A field hockey star.
And unlike your father,

I achieved my goal
in high school so I moved on to become a data analyst.

(James): Parenting really
is like a video game.

It can be challenging
and frustrating.

Mom's a real blowhard.
(Astrid laughs)

(James): And there are parts
that are so hard you need

to watch a tutorial online
to figure out what to do.

- What does that mean?

(Astrid): But also like gaming,

parenting can be really fun.

And a great way to spend time
with people you care about.

- Okay, I think we're done.
- Yeah.

- What? We did it!
(Felix): Yeah!

- Ah, we did it.
Ah, it's so late. Oh, my God.

- Okay, well why don't
I take Felix to bed.

I feel like you've been
doing it for a while.

- Well, I don't remember the
last time I took Felix to bed.

- Me neither.
- I've just been going to bed.

- Okay, why don't I take you
to bed then?

- Yeah, yeah, I mean,
we can both do it.

Yeah, you'll pull down
the blanket. You'll slide in.

I'll pull up the blanket.
The whole thing.

- I'm fine. Good night.

- Love you.
(James): Night.

(Astrid): Unlike a game,
you can't replay your favourite level.

Once it's over,
no matter how you did

or what score you got,
it's over for good.

Well, now I'm too tired and sad

to mop the floor
with your blood.

- Mm-hmm.

- Are we ever gonna
hang out again?

(clicks tongue)
- Uh... does sleeping count?

- It's gonna have to.

(alarm chiming)

- Oh, my God.
- What's happening?

(moaning)

- I guess I must have set
an alarm when I was trying

to disconnect from Viv's
Bluetooth speaker.

- Do you think it woke up
the kids?

- I think we're okay.
- Okay, good.

Gives us about an hour
before they get up.

(video game music plays)

(announcer): Boulevard Bash.

(James): Prepare
to be boulevarded.

Are you trying to suck
or is this just you sucking au natural?

- I don't suck. You suck.

You suck more than a suck
machine set on suck-a-lot.

- Oh.
- Highest setting.

(James): We're hitting this
parenting video game analogy

pretty hard,
but another similarity

is they both have secret levels.

(Astrid): Like, for example,
there's another night

they don't tell you about in
parenting books called morning.

(James): And it's pretty great.

- Oh, yes! In your face!
- Ohh!

- I'm sorry, is your
controller plugged in?

and especially Lorenzo,
because last time he bet with me like 25 cents that he'd,

that he'd get an A on his test
and he got a C, and I got an A.

- You gotta show Lorenzo
who's boss.

- Yeah, Lorenzo's got
some competition.

- Mm-hmm.
- And I also measured this.

And I forgot what the height
was but it's pretty tall.

Do you see these?
I used approximately 24 sticks.

- You're gonna be
an engineer, my man.

- And these 1, 2,
3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8.

I don't even think I counted
right but it's whatever.

- Those numbers were
in the right order.

I thought you did great.
- Thanks, James. That's awesome.

Oh, my gosh, look at these
orange stars too.

- James?
- The orange stars are super awesome.

It's, it's like
a perfect detail.

- You should do a little,
like jumping jacks,

or some sort of calisthenics.
- Yeah, I'll do that later.

- Maybe at some point
to sweat it out.

- I can't wait to see
the look on Lorenzo's face.

Wait, I just said that.
Oh, my gosh. I'm going crazy.

(rhythmic music)

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