Original subtitles

(Dynamic music)

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(Text on screen)

(Viv): I'd beat you in a race. (Felix): No, I'd beat you.

(James): Stop, stop! Finish your dinner!

(Astrid): Dude, you're growing.

Who's my big boy? - Still me.

(Felix): Could I be excused?

- Yes, you both can be excused.

- But I asked first.

- Well, you can get a three-second head start.

- Sweet. - No fair!

- You can have a three-second head start on Morris.

- In your face, Morris!

I'm gonna beat you, Felix!

(James): Three, two, one. (Felix): There's no way.

I had a big head start.

- And you're off. Boom!

(Felix): I'm way ahead of you.

(Viv): Oh, yeah?! (Felix and Viv continue arguing)

(soft music)

- Oh, hello.

Time for the bedtime shift.

- No rest at the kid factory.

(inhales)

- Maybe if we put them to bed

quick enough, we can do something.

- That's a good joke. (laughs)

- Watch a movie. - Okay, James.

Why don't we just make a movie?

No, we do not have the time or stamina for any kind of cinema.

- Wanna send each other TikToks 'til we fall asleep?

(gasps) - That's a date.

(James): Before kids, the time a couple had to just hang out was unlimited.

(Astrid): Unlimited is obviously not true.

(James): I remember it being unlimited.

(Astrid): Anyway, there's still a magic time

when parents get to be alone together.

That time is after the kids go to bed.

(Morris): Yay. (James): Ah, okay, get ready.

Where are you going?

- Brush it, brush it, brush it. Let's go.

(Astrid): But kids don't want to go to bed.

They actively avoid it.

They either have too much energy or, and this is real,

they're too tired to sleep.

(sighs)

(James): And the older they get, the later they go to bed.

But the older you get, the earlier you go to bed,

so the window for magic hangout time gets smaller and smaller.

- I'm going to bed. I'm spent.

- I gotta load the dishwasher. - 'K.

(mumbling): I love you.

(Astrid): Then because you're not hanging out anymore,

you feel less like a couple.

Wanna hang out this weekend? - Hmm, yeah.

Sounds good. Text me.

(James): And more like... roommates.

(rhythmic music)

- Hello. - Whoa.

? There she is, it's the woman that I married ?

? Smells so sweet unless she's had some dairy ?

(laughs) Ah, don't touch me.

- I see.

You haven't spoken to another adult all day?

- Nope. Did you get my voicemail though?

- I did. Yeah, sorry, it was a very busy day

and I only got through the first 10 minutes of it.

- Oh, then you missed the best part.

- Oh, is the house on fire? (gasps)

Is that? (gasps)

- Boulevard Bash, our favourite fighting game? Yeah-huh.

- I can't believe you found this.

- Mm-hmm. - What was it doing in the vegetable crisper?

- Kids never look in there. - You're a genius.

We need to encourage better eating habits.

- We should. But first, we fight.

- Ah, when do we get to play this?

- Uh, why don't we do it tonight after the kids go to bed?

- Yeah, but we're gonna be so tired.

- But lookout! Chocolate covered espresso beans,

so now we can play until our hearts give right out.

- Okay, as much as I love your complete disregard for our long-term health.

- And short-term. - How about we get the kids

to bed on time for once?

(gasps) (mumbles)

- Even Viv? - Well, especially Viv.

If we can steel ourselves to their adorable stalling tactics,

then we might have a fighting chance

to Boulevard Bash each other's brains out later.

- Ooh, you are dead meat.

- No, you are.

(TV playing in background)

(phone buzzing)

You ready for this?

(exhaling) - Let's do it. Let's do it!

- Okay. - Okay!

Guess what? It's time for bedtime.

(imitates airhorn)

- But I'm not even tired.

- It's not my bedtime. I still have homework to do.

- What, are you researching an article on procrastination?

Go on, get outta here. (James): All right, Viv,

time for you to make a little decision.

Who's gonna put you to bed? Is it gonna be Mommy

or is it gonna be Daddy? Now you know how Daddy do.

You know Daddy love to do it. But Mommy hasn't done it in a very long time.

I just feel like maybe she's, she's harbouring some, some hurt feelings.

- You know I want to so bad. I really, really hope it's me.

But Daddy does the funny voices when he tells the stories.

I can't do the funny voices. Daddy's so talented.

Daddy's so funny. - I have a tickle.

- Eenie-meenie-miney-mo. Catch a tiger by his toe.

If he hollers let him go. Eenie-meenie-miney-mo.

- Yay! We have a winner! - Okay, it's Daddy.

- Daddy's gonna put you to-- - My Mommy said yes,

no, so that means go.

- There, and Mommy is the-- - Yay, it's me, let's go.

- Champion.

(Viv): First comes wee... - More, okay.

- Then comes poo.

Poo is smelly.

- Too long! All right, Daddy's gonna put you to bed.

But Mommy's gonna put a barrier up on Morris' crib because he fell out.

- Okay, but you know, when kids fall out of bed once, they typically don't do it again.

- He fell out twice. - Okay, James, do not rile Viv up before bed.

You know how you get like...

- It's not my fault that my finger always happens

to find her armpit. (Viv laughing)

What? Oh, my God. - James! James!

- I can't control it! (laughing)

You're right. Let's go.

(Viv laughing) Let's go, you little nugget.

- I'm a not a nugget, I'm a-- - You're a nugget.

You little chicken nugget.

(Astrid): "The moon smiled and the stars giggled

as Kyle the Kite drifted into a noodle filled dreamland."

Okay, night, night.

(gentle music plays)

Okay, ugh.

Barrier.

Okay.

There we go.

Okay.

(Morris thuds to floor)

(Morris): I'm hun-gy.

(curious music)

- You actually have to move the bristles across the teeth, honey.

- I can't find any teeth in here.

- No stalling tonight, kiddo.

- Fine-uh! Brush my teeth.

- Yes, good. - If a wizard helps me.

- No, come on, we're not doing that tonight.

Let's go. Brush your teeth, please.

(exhales) - I have a question.

A serious one.

- Is it serious? - Yes, it is.

- Is it? - Yes.

- Serious question. - Yes.

- What is it?

- Why are you such a bingle-bongle?

(with an accent): Why are you such a dingle-dongle?

(normal): No, see that's, this is not,

we're not getting me sucked into this tonight.

Come on, let's go. Getting ready for bed is serious business.

- What happened to you?

- Look, sometimes,

life is about being playful,

and sometimes it's about being mature.

And now is not... No, I know you're not really asleep.

(fake snores)

This is a snore?

(snoring)

It's a wild interpretation of snoring.

(snoring crescendos) Okay, come on, come on, come on.

(dreamy music)

- This is... Good job.

(Morris thuds to floor)

(whispering): How? How?

(curious music)

(James): Behold!

The magical potential of my facial fuzz.

The lather shall guide the way as a powerful wizard

is a bearded wizard-uh!

- Dad, where's the duct tape? - Hmm?

- What? You never let me shave you.

You said I'd cut myself. - I said you'd cut me.

Also, she's not shaving me she's-- Wait a minute, what?

You need duct tape? For what? - School project.

- Your homework was an entire school project?

It's almost time for bed. - I'm almost done.

I just need to finish one more thing.

- Okay, it's in the cupboard by the, in the laundry room.

Hurry. Let's go, let's go.

Oh.

- Time to brush your teeth.

- You're telling me to brush? - Yeah!

- It's time for you to brush... What are we doing?

(curious music)

(shushes)

Hey, how'd it go?

- Yeah, yeah, good. Not bad. You?

- Yeah, very efficient.

- Still have some shaving cream by your ear.

- Huh? Oh, no that's... where? Ah yeah, you know what?

That's been there all day, so. - Oh.

- Did you put up the barrier? - Yes.

- Okay, well, I'm just gonna put Viv to bed.

- Okay, why don't you put her to bed in our room?

Let Morris settle. We can move her over after.

- She's a smart lady. Your mom's smart.

- You could both put me to bed! (shushes)

- Yeah, yeah. - We're still on schedule.

- Yes! (both shush)

Daddy, do the wizard again!

- That's not... she's not telling.

She doesn't know what she's talking about. She's very overtired.

All right, two down, one to go.

(Felix laughing wildly)

(Astrid): Oh, no, did he find the console?

- Worse. - Felix, those are not for you!

- Oh! Okay, that makes sense 'cause they're so gross and bitter.

Yeah, they're the grossest thing I've ever eaten.

But I can't stop eating them. Even though they're super gross.

But I just feel like I can live forever.

Which is weird, right? Ha, ha.

- What do we do? - I think maybe we give him warm milk?

- That's a latte, James.

You're proposing we turn him into a latte?

- Felix, why are you still eating them?

- You never told me to stop!

Am I allowed to go for a jog?

That'd be great. (thud upstairs)

- Morris?

- Sounded a little big for Morris.

(Viv): Ow! (James): Viv?

(Viv and Morris crying) (Felix jittering)

(James): My dude. - No!

(Viv): Morris' nightlight was keeping me up.

So, I got up to go turn it off.

But when I tried to go back to bed, I couldn't see.

- You banged into the wall?

- You need a flashlight by the nightlight.

And a pillow on the wall in case the battery runs out.

- Okay. Why don't we get back to bed?

- Okay, Mommy. - Okay.

- How come I don't have a grandpa?

- Oh, boy, that is such a big question.

- This is the beautiful model of the Canadarm2, which is on ISS.

It stands for the International Space Station.

There's also a model of the Canadarm3,

which is for a space station on the moon!

Oh, my gosh, I'm so confident. I know my teacher's

gonna give me an A plus, plus, like last time.

And I can't wait to see the look on Lorenzo's face.

Because last time he got a C on his test and I got an A.

Oh my gosh, I feel so great.

And I also measured the height of this.

It's uh... I forgot the height of it but it's super cool.

And I kinda got stuck on this part right here,

but I just did my own thing, you know?

But I also can't wait to see the look on Lorenzo's face.

'Cause last time he got a C on his test and then I got an A,

and I'm pretty sure I'm gonna get an A plus, plus this time.

I don't even know if they can do that.

(Leonard): Wow, what a nice group.

Thank you for coming. Somebody was, did some hard time.

Was that you? (woman): Yeah.

- Well, it's great you could be here today.

One thing I wanted to say is there is no housing crisis.

Let's call it what it is, a housing "cris-us".

Because housing affects us all.

- That's good. Did you write that?

- Yeah. Well, AI did, but I picked it. Yeah.

- I wanna cut the crap in your unique communities.

Sound good? - I got like, no sleep last night.

- I slept like a baby. I think.

I've actually never seen a baby sleep before.

- Have you ever seen yourself sleep?

- Uh, so I'd like to think that a vote for Leonard Flynn

is a vote for Leonard Flynn.

(woman): Huh?

(curious music)

- Shoot. Stupid AI.

Okay, Leonard, how about we all get a picture?

What do you think? - Oh, yeah.

Picture with me with the various diverse community leaders.

Great idea.

- All right, big smiles everybody.

(yawns loudly)

- I think you made us yawn, Astrid.

Can we go again? - Yeah, sure.

Ready? Everyone ready?

(yawning loudly)

(everyone yawns)

Okay, yeah that looks good. (Leonard): Got it.

- I like it, yeah. - Well uh, Leonard's really

excited to hear about your thoughts and concerns and--

- Astrid.

- Which is why he's putting me in charge of doing that.

- So, "A vote for Leonard Flynn is a vote for Leonard Flynn?"

- Yeah, that one slipped through the cracks.

As did "Homes are perfect for living in."

- Oh, I didn't mind that one.

But Astrid, your job is to make it look like I care.

- I know, I'm sorry. My kids just kept me up all night.

- Well, that's why my wife and I live in separate houses.

- Leonard, people cannot know you have two homes.

- I have three houses. - Shh!

- And a coach house and a cottage.

- Shh! Shh! Shh!

(both exhale)

Doesn't living apart make you guys feel disconnected?

- No, we feel very connected if and when we decide to, you know, get together.

Oh, Astrid. I think you need to get some sleep.

Okay?

Cut the crap? - Oh.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

(curious music)

- I don't wanna live in separate houses, James.

- Is this a vow renewal?

- We need to bash on the boulevard.

And not just because I love slapping the taste outta your mouth,

but because we need to hang out right now

or we'll be putting our relationship on hold until the kids are gone.

- Yeah, especially 'cause they are never leaving.

Do you know how much that house went for across the street?

- They are going to bed on time,

and they are staying in bed, starting tonight.

You know what that means.

- Sleeping pills? - Family meeting.

- Family meeting.

(James): We wanna talk to you about your bedtime.

- I'd like to talk about facial hair.

- Morris and I are doing a play.

- Why isn't Felix in it? - He doesn't wanna be the dog.

- There's too much sleeping.

- How are you people not exhausted after last night?

Give me your energy. Come on, hand it over. Give it to me.

- The reason Mommy wants to mug you for your life force

is because y'all stayed up too late.

- Guess what? That ends tonight.

Boom, in your faces. Starting right now,

bedtime is a hard deadline.

- Morris 6 to 8, depending on his nap situation.

Vivian, your bedtime is 8. Felix, your bedtime is 9.

Gink. - But I'm not even tired by 8.

- Well then, close your eyes and pretend.

- Astrid, could I have a little sidebar over here, please?

- Sure.

- If we put Viv to bed a bit later,

that gives Morris time to settle, which means we don't

have to move her from our bed to hers.

(Astrid): Viv, we've agreed to extend your bedtime to 8:30.

- Yes! - What? No fair!

If Viv gets a later bedtime, then don't you think uh,

Mr. Felix should get a later bedtime, too?

- Okay, no. This isn't negotiation, my man.

- James, a moment.

If Felix gets more time as a trial,

he's gonna wanna prove that he can handle it,

and then give us less trouble.

(suspenseful music)

(James): Okay, to recap, Felix in bed by 9:30.

Gets an extra 15 minutes for music only, no screens, which means in bed by 9:15.

Viv, bedtime 8:30.

Allowed one bedtime story, one bathroom trip, and two random questions.

- Can I also have music until I fall asleep?

My dreams have been really boring lately.

I need some help.

(suspenseful music)

- We have a deal. - I knew we'd get there.

- I feel really good about this.

(James): I wish Morris felt the same.

(imitates): 7:00 is so early.

What am I, some kind of baby? (Felix and Viv giggle)

(Astrid): Raising kids is a lot like playing video games.

It's exciting to get to a new level.

(game chimes) (James): Until you realize

that the next level is so much harder

than the one you were just on.

- Another video game thing is how the toys on the floor are like spikes.

So many spikes.

(game warbles)

(Astrid): Did we actually do it? Are they all in bed?

- Mm-hmm, even Felix. - Did you tuck him in?

- Hmm, I'm about to go up in five minutes.

- Okay. - Thank you.

- How long 'til I can start kicking the crap outta you?

- Oh, so soon, my sweet. - Oh, that's too long!

- Hmm. Did you get the video I sent you of um,

the guy who makes the voices for the dogs?

(evil voice): I'm gonna eat you.

(normal): That guy? I love that guy.

Every time I see a dog, I do that voice for them.

(evil voice): I'm gonna rip out your throat.

- He's very delightful. - He's so talented.

(evil voice): I'm gonna eat your family while they're sleeping.

(evil voice): I'm gonna rip out your Achilles.

(Astrid laughs) (normal): What a delight.

- Truly the greatest. - That dog was adorable.

- Hey, there's no sound. - Did you click the um,

speaker in the bottom corner? - A-doy, I did not.

- Did you just a-doy yourself?

- Well, I can't a-doy you and I have to a-doy someone

'cause the a-doys build up and I get a migraine.

(evil voice, in the distance): I'm gonna bite your brains out.

I'm gonna crush you!

- Where is that coming from?

- Oh, my God, Viv's Bluetooth speaker.

(evil voice): I'm gonna bite your arm in half if you don't give me a treat!

- Oh, my God, I'm so sorry, Viv.

(Astrid): Sorry, sorry, sorry.

(evil voice stops) - Okay, well.

- How's Morris? - Yeah, he's, he's, he's still sleeping.

- Thank God. - You okay, Viv?

- Why did you turn off my music? - Oh.

- That was not a part of our deal.

- Oh, that's, were you not scared?

- No, I'm sad about not hearing music.

- Okay, well we can turn the music back on for you.

You're not scared. You're sure?

- Yes. - Okay.

- Night, night, Viv. - Good night, Viv.

Night, sweetie.

(gentle music playing)

Should we be scared of Viv?

- I've been scared of her for years.

- You know what's weird is that Felix did not

come out of his room to see what was happening.

- The light is on. - Oh!

- He's either still listening to music or he's on his iPad.

- Rat! - That rat!

When will these kids learn they can't get one over on us?

- Hmm, you know when?

(both): Right now.

- Okay, come on.

On three we do it. - Okay.

- On three we bang, okay. One.

(both): Two, three.

(music crescendos)

(Astrid): Ah, pow! (James): You're busted!

- Like, oh. (gasps)

- What happened?

- Ooh. - What?

No! That was due tomorrow.

- I'm sorry, buddy. - What am I gonna do now?

- I guess the only thing we can do is fix the model.

- Yeah, we skip school tomorrow. - What?

- What? Say, uh, obviously... - Fix the model.

unpiloted supply shipsanadb

and attach them to the space station.

They're called "cosmic catches." - Cool ska band name.

You know, when I was your age, I wanted to be an astronaut.

- Really? - Mm-hmm.

- Why didn't you? - Same reason I didn't become

a professional basketball player.

I'm just, I'm scared of heights.

- What did you wanna be when you were a kid, Mom?

- A field hockey star. And unlike your father,

I achieved my goal in high school so I moved on to become a data analyst.

(James): Parenting really is like a video game.

It can be challenging and frustrating.

Mom's a real blowhard. (Astrid laughs)

(James): And there are parts that are so hard you need

to watch a tutorial online to figure out what to do.

- What does that mean?

(Astrid): But also like gaming,

parenting can be really fun.

And a great way to spend time with people you care about.

- Okay, I think we're done. - Yeah.

- What? We did it! (Felix): Yeah!

- Ah, we did it. Ah, it's so late. Oh, my God.

- Okay, well why don't I take Felix to bed.

I feel like you've been doing it for a while.

- Well, I don't remember the last time I took Felix to bed.

- Me neither. - I've just been going to bed.

- Okay, why don't I take you to bed then?

- Yeah, yeah, I mean, we can both do it.

Yeah, you'll pull down the blanket. You'll slide in.

I'll pull up the blanket. The whole thing.

- I'm fine. Good night.

- Love you. (James): Night.

(Astrid): Unlike a game, you can't replay your favourite level.

Once it's over, no matter how you did

or what score you got, it's over for good.

Well, now I'm too tired and sad

to mop the floor with your blood.

- Mm-hmm.

- Are we ever gonna hang out again?

(clicks tongue) - Uh... does sleeping count?

- It's gonna have to.

(alarm chiming)

- Oh, my God. - What's happening?

(moaning)

- I guess I must have set an alarm when I was trying

to disconnect from Viv's Bluetooth speaker.

- Do you think it woke up the kids?

- I think we're okay. - Okay, good.

Gives us about an hour before they get up.

(video game music plays)

(announcer): Boulevard Bash.

(James): Prepare to be boulevarded.

Are you trying to suck or is this just you sucking au natural?

- I don't suck. You suck.

You suck more than a suck machine set on suck-a-lot.

- Oh. - Highest setting.

(James): We're hitting this parenting video game analogy

pretty hard, but another similarity

is they both have secret levels.

(Astrid): Like, for example, there's another night

they don't tell you about in parenting books called morning.

(James): And it's pretty great.

- Oh, yes! In your face! - Ohh!

- I'm sorry, is your controller plugged in?

and especially Lorenzo, because last time he bet with me like 25 cents that he'd,

that he'd get an A on his test and he got a C, and I got an A.

- You gotta show Lorenzo who's boss.

- Yeah, Lorenzo's got some competition.

- Mm-hmm. - And I also measured this.

And I forgot what the height was but it's pretty tall.

Do you see these? I used approximately 24 sticks.

- You're gonna be an engineer, my man.

- And these 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8.

I don't even think I counted right but it's whatever.

- Those numbers were in the right order.

I thought you did great. - Thanks, James. That's awesome.

Oh, my gosh, look at these orange stars too.

- James? - The orange stars are super awesome.

It's, it's like a perfect detail.

- You should do a little, like jumping jacks,

or some sort of calisthenics. - Yeah, I'll do that later.

- Maybe at some point to sweat it out.

- I can't wait to see the look on Lorenzo's face.

Wait, I just said that. Oh, my gosh. I'm going crazy.

(rhythmic music)

Subtitling: difuze

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