Original subtitles

HEY, KIDS, IT'S TIME FOR "THE MR. BILL SHOW"! HELLO, KIDDIES!

"THE MR. BILL SHOW"! HELLO, KIDDIES! HEY, HEY! OH, BOY!

HELLO, KIDDIES! HEY, HEY! OH, BOY! ARE WE'RE GONNA HAVE FUN TODAY,

HEY, HEY! OH, BOY! ARE WE'RE GONNA HAVE FUN TODAY, 'CAUSE WE'RE ALL GONNA GO SEE

ARE WE'RE GONNA HAVE FUN TODAY, 'CAUSE WE'RE ALL GONNA GO SEE "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE"!

'CAUSE WE'RE ALL GONNA GO SEE "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE"! YAY!

"SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE"! YAY! SO, KIDS, IF YOU'RE READY TO GO,

YAY! SO, KIDS, IF YOU'RE READY TO GO, LET'S HOP IN...

SO, KIDS, IF YOU'RE READY TO GO, LET'S HOP IN... SAY, MR. BILL, CAN I GO, TOO?

LET'S HOP IN... SAY, MR. BILL, CAN I GO, TOO? OH, BUT, MR. HANDS, I ONLY

SAY, MR. BILL, CAN I GO, TOO? OH, BUT, MR. HANDS, I ONLY HAVE TWO TICKETS, AND I'VE BEEN

OH, BUT, MR. HANDS, I ONLY HAVE TWO TICKETS, AND I'VE BEEN WAITING ALL YEAR FOR THEM.

HAVE TWO TICKETS, AND I'VE BEEN WAITING ALL YEAR FOR THEM. BUT, MR. BILL, YOU KNOW THEY

WAITING ALL YEAR FOR THEM. BUT, MR. BILL, YOU KNOW THEY DON'T ALLOW PETS AT THE SHOW.

BUT, MR. BILL, YOU KNOW THEY DON'T ALLOW PETS AT THE SHOW. I'LL TAKE SPOT'S TICKET.

DON'T ALLOW PETS AT THE SHOW. I'LL TAKE SPOT'S TICKET. OH, NO.

I'LL TAKE SPOT'S TICKET. OH, NO. LEAVE SPOT ALONE.

OH, NO. LEAVE SPOT ALONE. COME ON, SPOT. LET GO.

LEAVE SPOT ALONE. COME ON, SPOT. LET GO. [GROWLING]

COME ON, SPOT. LET GO. [GROWLING] OH, N-O-O!

[GROWLING] OH, N-O-O! SEE YOU LATER, SPOT.

OH, N-O-O! SEE YOU LATER, SPOT. AND MAKE SURE YOU WATCH THE

SEE YOU LATER, SPOT. AND MAKE SURE YOU WATCH THE HOUSE WHILE WE'RE GONE.

AND MAKE SURE YOU WATCH THE HOUSE WHILE WE'RE GONE. OH, NO!

HOUSE WHILE WE'RE GONE. OH, NO! WELL, HERE WE ARE AT NBC.

OH, NO! WELL, HERE WE ARE AT NBC. AND WE'D BETTER STEP ON IT SO

WELL, HERE WE ARE AT NBC. AND WE'D BETTER STEP ON IT SO WE DON'T GET CAUGHT IN THE

AND WE'D BETTER STEP ON IT SO WE DON'T GET CAUGHT IN THE LAST-MINUTE RUSH.

WE DON'T GET CAUGHT IN THE LAST-MINUTE RUSH. HERE, YOU GO FIRST.

LAST-MINUTE RUSH. HERE, YOU GO FIRST. OH, NO, WAIT!

HERE, YOU GO FIRST. OH, NO, WAIT! NO, WAIT, NO!

OH, NO, WAIT! NO, WAIT, NO! OHH!

NO, WAIT, NO! OHH! OHH!

OHH! OHH! SAY, LOOK.

OHH! SAY, LOOK. THERE'S JOHN BELUSHI.

SAY, LOOK. THERE'S JOHN BELUSHI. YAY!

THERE'S JOHN BELUSHI. YAY! HEY, JOHN BELUSHI! YAY!

YAY! HEY, JOHN BELUSHI! YAY! SAY, CAN YOU GIVE ME YOUR

HEY, JOHN BELUSHI! YAY! SAY, CAN YOU GIVE ME YOUR AUTOGRAPH, PLEASE?

SAY, CAN YOU GIVE ME YOUR AUTOGRAPH, PLEASE? IT WOULD REALLY MEAN A LOT TO

AUTOGRAPH, PLEASE? IT WOULD REALLY MEAN A LOT TO HIM.

IT WOULD REALLY MEAN A LOT TO HIM. OH, BOY! HE'S GONNA DO IT!

HIM. OH, BOY! HE'S GONNA DO IT! YAY! JOHN BELUSHI!

OH, BOY! HE'S GONNA DO IT! YAY! JOHN BELUSHI! MY FAVORITE STAR!

YAY! JOHN BELUSHI! MY FAVORITE STAR! SAY, CAN YOU WRITE, "TO MR. BILL

MY FAVORITE STAR! SAY, CAN YOU WRITE, "TO MR. BILL FROM JOHN BELUSHI"?

SAY, CAN YOU WRITE, "TO MR. BILL FROM JOHN BELUSHI"? AND CAN YOU SPELL MY NAME RIGHT,

FROM JOHN BELUSHI"? AND CAN YOU SPELL MY NAME RIGHT, HUH?

AND CAN YOU SPELL MY NAME RIGHT, HUH? THAT'S RIGHT.

HUH? THAT'S RIGHT. AND MAKE SURE YOU DOT YOUR "I."

THAT'S RIGHT. AND MAKE SURE YOU DOT YOUR "I." YAY!

AND MAKE SURE YOU DOT YOUR "I." YAY! OHH!

YAY! OHH! SAY, THERE'S THE NBC PAGE.

OHH! SAY, THERE'S THE NBC PAGE. OH, NO.

SAY, THERE'S THE NBC PAGE. OH, NO. HE'S GONNA BE MEAN TO ME.

OH, NO. HE'S GONNA BE MEAN TO ME. NO, HE JUST HAS TO TEAR YOUR

HE'S GONNA BE MEAN TO ME. NO, HE JUST HAS TO TEAR YOUR TICKET.

NO, HE JUST HAS TO TEAR YOUR TICKET. NO! NO!

TICKET. NO! NO! NO!

NO! NO! NO! AND HE SAYS TO MAKE SURE YOU

NO! AND HE SAYS TO MAKE SURE YOU HOLD ON TO YOUR STUB.

AND HE SAYS TO MAKE SURE YOU HOLD ON TO YOUR STUB. OH, NO!

HOLD ON TO YOUR STUB. OH, NO! I DON'T WANT TO GO TO

OH, NO! I DON'T WANT TO GO TO "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE."

I DON'T WANT TO GO TO "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE." SAY, THERE'S ONLY ONE SEAT

"SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE." SAY, THERE'S ONLY ONE SEAT LEFT.

SAY, THERE'S ONLY ONE SEAT LEFT. HERE, YOU TAKE IT.

LEFT. HERE, YOU TAKE IT. OH, BUT... BUT WHAT'S

HERE, YOU TAKE IT. OH, BUT... BUT WHAT'S EVERYONE WAITING FOR?

OH, BUT... BUT WHAT'S EVERYONE WAITING FOR? WHY ISN'T THE SHOW STARTING?

EVERYONE WAITING FOR? WHY ISN'T THE SHOW STARTING? WELL, MR. BILL, THEY'RE WAITING

WHY ISN'T THE SHOW STARTING? WELL, MR. BILL, THEY'RE WAITING FOR THE TRADITIONAL OPENING

WELL, MR. BILL, THEY'RE WAITING FOR THE TRADITIONAL OPENING LINE.

FOR THE TRADITIONAL OPENING LINE. OH, RIGHT!

LINE. OH, RIGHT! YOU MEAN, "LIVE, FROM NEW YORK,

OH, RIGHT! YOU MEAN, "LIVE, FROM NEW YORK, IT'S "SATURDAY... "NO!

YOU MEAN, "LIVE, FROM NEW YORK, IT'S "SATURDAY... "NO! [BAND PLAYS]

IT'S "SATURDAY..." NO! [BAND PLAYS] HOLD IT! WAIT A MINUTE!

[BAND PLAYS] HOLD IT! WAIT A MINUTE! STOP IT! STOP IT!

HOLD IT! WAIT A MINUTE! STOP IT! STOP IT! JUST STOP IT, OKAY!

STOP IT! STOP IT! JUST STOP IT, OKAY! JUST STOP IT, DAVEY!

JUST STOP IT, OKAY! JUST STOP IT, DAVEY! JANIE, WE'RE ON THE AIR.

JUST STOP IT, DAVEY! JANIE, WE'RE ON THE AIR. WE'VE ALREADY STARTED THE SHOW.

JANIE, WE'RE ON THE AIR. WE'VE ALREADY STARTED THE SHOW. I DON'T CARE. I DON'T CARE.

WE'VE ALREADY STARTED THE SHOW. I DON'T CARE. I DON'T CARE. THIS IS THE LAST SHOW OF THE

I DON'T CARE. I DON'T CARE. THIS IS THE LAST SHOW OF THE FOURTH SEASON.

THIS IS THE LAST SHOW OF THE FOURTH SEASON. I'VE BEEN HERE FROM THE

FOURTH SEASON. I'VE BEEN HERE FROM THE BEGINNING, AND NOT ONCE HAVE I

I'VE BEEN HERE FROM THE BEGINNING, AND NOT ONCE HAVE I SAID, "LIVE, FROM NEW YORK, IT'S

BEGINNING, AND NOT ONCE HAVE I SAID, "LIVE, FROM NEW YORK, IT'S 'SATURDAY NIGHT.'"

SAID, "LIVE, FROM NEW YORK, IT'S 'SATURDAY NIGHT.'" THE FIRST YEAR, IT WAS ALWAYS

'SATURDAY NIGHT.'" THE FIRST YEAR, IT WAS ALWAYS CHEVY.

THE FIRST YEAR, IT WAS ALWAYS CHEVY. HE'D DO ONE OF HIS FALLS, THEN

CHEVY. HE'D DO ONE OF HIS FALLS, THEN HE'D OPEN THE SHOW... FINE.

HE'D DO ONE OF HIS FALLS, THEN HE'D OPEN THE SHOW... FINE. THEN HE GOT FIRED.

HE'D OPEN THE SHOW... FINE. THEN HE GOT FIRED. WE ALL AGREED WE'D TAKE TURNS.

THEN HE GOT FIRED. WE ALL AGREED WE'D TAKE TURNS. I FIGURED IF WE STAYED ON THE

WE ALL AGREED WE'D TAKE TURNS. I FIGURED IF WE STAYED ON THE AIR LONG ENOUGH, I'D EVENTUALLY

I FIGURED IF WE STAYED ON THE AIR LONG ENOUGH, I'D EVENTUALLY GET TO OPEN THE SHOW.

AIR LONG ENOUGH, I'D EVENTUALLY GET TO OPEN THE SHOW. BUT NOW, TO BE PASSED OVER IN

GET TO OPEN THE SHOW. BUT NOW, TO BE PASSED OVER IN FAVOR OF... GUMBY, SOME

BUT NOW, TO BE PASSED OVER IN FAVOR OF... GUMBY, SOME MEANINGLESS PIECE OF PLAY-DOH,

FAVOR OF... GUMBY, SOME MEANINGLESS PIECE OF PLAY-DOH, IT'S NOT FAIR!

MEANINGLESS PIECE OF PLAY-DOH, IT'S NOT FAIR! JANIE, WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO

IT'S NOT FAIR! JANIE, WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?

JANIE, WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO? WE'RE ALREADY ON THE AIR.

DO? WE'RE ALREADY ON THE AIR. SHE'S RIGHT, DAVEY.

WE'RE ALREADY ON THE AIR. SHE'S RIGHT, DAVEY. SHE IS ABSOLUTELY RIGHT.

SHE'S RIGHT, DAVEY. SHE IS ABSOLUTELY RIGHT. I'VE BEEN WORKING ON THIS SHOW.

SHE IS ABSOLUTELY RIGHT. I'VE BEEN WORKING ON THIS SHOW. I'VE BEEN WATCHING HER WORK

I'VE BEEN WORKING ON THIS SHOW. I'VE BEEN WATCHING HER WORK SINCE DAY ONE, AND SHE IS A REAL

I'VE BEEN WATCHING HER WORK SINCE DAY ONE, AND SHE IS A REAL PRO.

SINCE DAY ONE, AND SHE IS A REAL PRO. JANE'S A PRO.

PRO. JANE'S A PRO. SHE DOES HER JOB, AND SHE DOES

JANE'S A PRO. SHE DOES HER JOB, AND SHE DOES IT WELL, WHILE THE REST OF US

SHE DOES HER JOB, AND SHE DOES IT WELL, WHILE THE REST OF US HAVE GONE ON AND CAPTURED THE

IT WELL, WHILE THE REST OF US HAVE GONE ON AND CAPTURED THE HEARTS AND MINDS OF THE AMERICAN

HAVE GONE ON AND CAPTURED THE HEARTS AND MINDS OF THE AMERICAN PUBLIC AND THE PRESS, JANE HAS

HEARTS AND MINDS OF THE AMERICAN PUBLIC AND THE PRESS, JANE HAS GONE VIRTUALLY UNNOTICED.

PUBLIC AND THE PRESS, JANE HAS GONE VIRTUALLY UNNOTICED. I'M GLAD TO SEE YOU'RE ASSERTING

GONE VIRTUALLY UNNOTICED. I'M GLAD TO SEE YOU'RE ASSERTING YOURSELF, JANE.

I'M GLAD TO SEE YOU'RE ASSERTING YOURSELF, JANE. AND I ADMIRE YOU FOR THAT.

YOURSELF, JANE. AND I ADMIRE YOU FOR THAT. I'M BEHIND YOU 100%.

AND I ADMIRE YOU FOR THAT. I'M BEHIND YOU 100%. WELL, THANK YOU, JOHN.

I'M BEHIND YOU 100%. WELL, THANK YOU, JOHN. THAT'S REALLY NICE.

WELL, THANK YOU, JOHN. THAT'S REALLY NICE. THAT'S OKAY.

THAT'S REALLY NICE. THAT'S OKAY. LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S

THAT'S OKAY. LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S "SATURDAY NIGHT"!

LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S "SATURDAY NIGHT"! [BAND PLAYS]

Announcer: IT'S "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE."

WITH BUCK HENRY.

STARRING DAN AYKROYD... JOHN BELUSHI... JANE CURTIN...

JOHN BELUSHI... JANE CURTIN... GARRETT MORRIS...

JANE CURTIN... GARRETT MORRIS... BILL MURRAY...

GARRETT MORRIS... BILL MURRAY... LARAINE NEWMAN...

BILL MURRAY... LARAINE NEWMAN... AND GILDA RADNER.

WITH SPECIAL GUESTS BETTE MIDLER, IMPRESSIONIST MICHAEL O'DONOGHUE, AND THE

BETTE MIDLER, IMPRESSIONIST MICHAEL O'DONOGHUE, AND THE COMEDY TEAM OF FRANKEN AND

MICHAEL O'DONOGHUE, AND THE COMEDY TEAM OF FRANKEN AND DAVIS.

COMEDY TEAM OF FRANKEN AND DAVIS. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

DAVIS. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, BUCK HENRY!

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, BUCK HENRY! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

HEY, YES! THANK YOU. THANK YOU VERY... THANK YOU.

THANK YOU. THANK YOU VERY... THANK YOU. THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

THANK YOU VERY... THANK YOU. THANK YOU VERY MUCH. IT'S... IT'S ALWAYS FLATTERING

THANK YOU VERY MUCH. IT'S... IT'S ALWAYS FLATTERING TO BE ASKED TO HOST

IT'S... IT'S ALWAYS FLATTERING TO BE ASKED TO HOST "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE."

TO BE ASKED TO HOST "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE." BUT FOR ME, IT'S MORE THAN THAT.

"SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE." BUT FOR ME, IT'S MORE THAN THAT. I THINK YOU'LL UNDERSTAND WHAT

BUT FOR ME, IT'S MORE THAN THAT. I THINK YOU'LL UNDERSTAND WHAT I'M TELLING YOU.

I THINK YOU'LL UNDERSTAND WHAT I'M TELLING YOU. IT'S A SENSE OF... A SENSE OF

I'M TELLING YOU. IT'S A SENSE OF... A SENSE OF VINDICATION OF WHAT I REPRESENT.

IT'S A SENSE OF... A SENSE OF VINDICATION OF WHAT I REPRESENT. YOU KNOW, WE'RE ALWAYS BEING

VINDICATION OF WHAT I REPRESENT. YOU KNOW, WE'RE ALWAYS BEING TOLD THAT TELEVISION IS A

YOU KNOW, WE'RE ALWAYS BEING TOLD THAT TELEVISION IS A CULTURAL DESERT BECAUSE IT

TOLD THAT TELEVISION IS A CULTURAL DESERT BECAUSE IT REFLECTS THE VULGARITY OF THE

CULTURAL DESERT BECAUSE IT REFLECTS THE VULGARITY OF THE AMERICAN PUBLIC.

REFLECTS THE VULGARITY OF THE AMERICAN PUBLIC. WELL, IF THAT'S TRUE, WHAT AM I

AMERICAN PUBLIC. WELL, IF THAT'S TRUE, WHAT AM I DOING HERE?

WELL, IF THAT'S TRUE, WHAT AM I DOING HERE? AFTER ALL, I'M NOT YOUR TYPICAL

DOING HERE? AFTER ALL, I'M NOT YOUR TYPICAL TELEVISION PERSONALITY.

AFTER ALL, I'M NOT YOUR TYPICAL TELEVISION PERSONALITY. I DON'T HAVE AN ACT.

TELEVISION PERSONALITY. I DON'T HAVE AN ACT. I DON'T HAVE A GOLF TOURNAMENT

I DON'T HAVE AN ACT. I DON'T HAVE A GOLF TOURNAMENT NAMED AFTER ME.

I DON'T HAVE A GOLF TOURNAMENT NAMED AFTER ME. I REPRESENT DIGNITY AND

NAMED AFTER ME. I REPRESENT DIGNITY AND INTELLECTUAL ACHIEVEMENT,

I REPRESENT DIGNITY AND INTELLECTUAL ACHIEVEMENT, QUALITIES THAT AREN'T SUPPOSED

INTELLECTUAL ACHIEVEMENT, QUALITIES THAT AREN'T SUPPOSED TO GENERATE BIG RATINGS.

QUALITIES THAT AREN'T SUPPOSED TO GENERATE BIG RATINGS. AND YET, HERE I AM AGAIN,

TO GENERATE BIG RATINGS. AND YET, HERE I AM AGAIN, CEREBRAL AS ALWAYS, AND THE HOST

AND YET, HERE I AM AGAIN, CEREBRAL AS ALWAYS, AND THE HOST OF THE MOST HIGHLY RATED

CEREBRAL AS ALWAYS, AND THE HOST OF THE MOST HIGHLY RATED LATE-NIGHT SHOW IN TELEVISION

OF THE MOST HIGHLY RATED LATE-NIGHT SHOW IN TELEVISION HISTORY.

LATE-NIGHT SHOW IN TELEVISION HISTORY. I THINK THAT SAYS SOMETHING GOOD

HISTORY. I THINK THAT SAYS SOMETHING GOOD ABOUT YOU, THE AUDIENCE.

I THINK THAT SAYS SOMETHING GOOD ABOUT YOU, THE AUDIENCE. OF COURSE, THERE ARE SOME...

ABOUT YOU, THE AUDIENCE. OF COURSE, THERE ARE SOME... [SCATTERED APPLAUSE]

OF COURSE, THERE ARE SOME... [SCATTERED APPLAUSE] YES, THERE ARE SOME... THERE ARE

[SCATTERED APPLAUSE] YES, THERE ARE SOME... THERE ARE SOME TELEVISION EXECUTIVES WHO

YES, THERE ARE SOME... THERE ARE SOME TELEVISION EXECUTIVES WHO DON'T SHARE THIS VIEW, WHO STILL

SOME TELEVISION EXECUTIVES WHO DON'T SHARE THIS VIEW, WHO STILL THINK THAT TELEVISION HAS TO

DON'T SHARE THIS VIEW, WHO STILL THINK THAT TELEVISION HAS TO PANDER TO PEOPLE'S BASER

THINK THAT TELEVISION HAS TO PANDER TO PEOPLE'S BASER INSTINCTS.

PANDER TO PEOPLE'S BASER INSTINCTS. AND FOR THEM, I'VE ARRANGED A

INSTINCTS. AND FOR THEM, I'VE ARRANGED A LITTLE DEMONSTRATION TO PROVE MY

AND FOR THEM, I'VE ARRANGED A LITTLE DEMONSTRATION TO PROVE MY POINT.

LITTLE DEMONSTRATION TO PROVE MY POINT. UH, DAVID, COULD YOU GET A SHOT

POINT. UH, DAVID, COULD YOU GET A SHOT OF THE SPECIAL GROUP, PLEASE?

UH, DAVID, COULD YOU GET A SHOT OF THE SPECIAL GROUP, PLEASE? NOW, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

OF THE SPECIAL GROUP, PLEASE? NOW, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THESE 25 MEMBERS OF OUR AUDIENCE

NOW, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THESE 25 MEMBERS OF OUR AUDIENCE HAVE VOLUNTEERED TO TAKE PART IN

THESE 25 MEMBERS OF OUR AUDIENCE HAVE VOLUNTEERED TO TAKE PART IN A SPECIAL EXPERIMENT.

HAVE VOLUNTEERED TO TAKE PART IN A SPECIAL EXPERIMENT. THE DEVICES WHICH YOU SEE

A SPECIAL EXPERIMENT. THE DEVICES WHICH YOU SEE ATTACHED TO THEIR FOREHEADS,

THE DEVICES WHICH YOU SEE ATTACHED TO THEIR FOREHEADS, DEVELOPED BY THE INSTITUTE FOR

ATTACHED TO THEIR FOREHEADS, DEVELOPED BY THE INSTITUTE FOR BEHAVIORAL SCIENCE AT

DEVELOPED BY THE INSTITUTE FOR BEHAVIORAL SCIENCE AT INDIANA UNIVERSITY, WILL MEASURE

BEHAVIORAL SCIENCE AT INDIANA UNIVERSITY, WILL MEASURE THEIR LEVEL OF INTEREST IN

INDIANA UNIVERSITY, WILL MEASURE THEIR LEVEL OF INTEREST IN TONIGHT'S SHOW.

THEIR LEVEL OF INTEREST IN TONIGHT'S SHOW. WHAT'S MORE, THIS AUDIENCE

TONIGHT'S SHOW. WHAT'S MORE, THIS AUDIENCE INTEREST QUOTIENT... OR

WHAT'S MORE, THIS AUDIENCE INTEREST QUOTIENT... OR A.I.Q... WILL BE REGISTERED

INTEREST QUOTIENT... OR A.I.Q... WILL BE REGISTERED DIRECTLY ON THE SCREEN, THROUGH

A.I.Q... WILL BE REGISTERED DIRECTLY ON THE SCREEN, THROUGH THE ACTIVATION OF AN ELECTRONIC

DIRECTLY ON THE SCREEN, THROUGH THE ACTIVATION OF AN ELECTRONIC VIDEO GRID.

THE ACTIVATION OF AN ELECTRONIC VIDEO GRID. IN OTHER WORDS, THE IMAGE ON

VIDEO GRID. IN OTHER WORDS, THE IMAGE ON YOUR SCREEN TONIGHT WILL

IN OTHER WORDS, THE IMAGE ON YOUR SCREEN TONIGHT WILL ACCURATELY REFLECT OUR SPECIAL

YOUR SCREEN TONIGHT WILL ACCURATELY REFLECT OUR SPECIAL GROUP'S LEVEL OF INTEREST IN THE

ACCURATELY REFLECT OUR SPECIAL GROUP'S LEVEL OF INTEREST IN THE SHOW.

GROUP'S LEVEL OF INTEREST IN THE SHOW. ARE WE READY TO START?

SHOW. ARE WE READY TO START? ALL RIGHT.

ARE WE READY TO START? ALL RIGHT. WELL, YOU KNOW, I'VE GIVEN A

ALL RIGHT. WELL, YOU KNOW, I'VE GIVEN A GREAT DEAL OF THOUGHT TO WHAT

WELL, YOU KNOW, I'VE GIVEN A GREAT DEAL OF THOUGHT TO WHAT TELEVISION COULD BE... THE

GREAT DEAL OF THOUGHT TO WHAT TELEVISION COULD BE... THE ULTIMATE MEDIUM FOR THE

TELEVISION COULD BE... THE ULTIMATE MEDIUM FOR THE TRANSMISSION OF IDEAS, A LIVING,

ULTIMATE MEDIUM FOR THE TRANSMISSION OF IDEAS, A LIVING, VIBRANT STOREHOUSE OF THE

TRANSMISSION OF IDEAS, A LIVING, VIBRANT STOREHOUSE OF THE PRODUCTS OF OUR CULTURAL AND

VIBRANT STOREHOUSE OF THE PRODUCTS OF OUR CULTURAL AND INTELLECTUAL ACTIVITY AS A

PRODUCTS OF OUR CULTURAL AND INTELLECTUAL ACTIVITY AS A NATION.

INTELLECTUAL ACTIVITY AS A NATION. THAT'S SOMETHING VERY EXCITING

NATION. THAT'S SOMETHING VERY EXCITING TO ME AND, I'M SURE, TO ALL OF

THAT'S SOMETHING VERY EXCITING TO ME AND, I'M SURE, TO ALL OF YOU, AS WELL.

TO ME AND, I'M SURE, TO ALL OF YOU, AS WELL. AND THE IDEA OF A GREAT

YOU, AS WELL. AND THE IDEA OF A GREAT ELECTRONIC MIRROR THAT'S HELD

AND THE IDEA OF A GREAT ELECTRONIC MIRROR THAT'S HELD UP TO SOCIETY TO REFLECT OUR

ELECTRONIC MIRROR THAT'S HELD UP TO SOCIETY TO REFLECT OUR ACTIVITY IN POLITICS, SCIENCE,

UP TO SOCIETY TO REFLECT OUR ACTIVITY IN POLITICS, SCIENCE, AND THE ARTS.

ACTIVITY IN POLITICS, SCIENCE, AND THE ARTS. BUT WHAT, I ASK YOU... WHAT HAS

AND THE ARTS. BUT WHAT, I ASK YOU... WHAT HAS TELEVISION BECOME?

BUT WHAT, I ASK YOU... WHAT HAS TELEVISION BECOME? I'LL TELL YOU.

TELEVISION BECOME? I'LL TELL YOU. IT'S BECOME A GAUDY, PAINTED

I'LL TELL YOU. IT'S BECOME A GAUDY, PAINTED TART, WRITHING IN A WANTON,

IT'S BECOME A GAUDY, PAINTED TART, WRITHING IN A WANTON, TAWDRY DISPLAY OF CLEAVAGE, BARE

TART, WRITHING IN A WANTON, TAWDRY DISPLAY OF CLEAVAGE, BARE MIDRIFFS, AND JIGGLING BUTTOCKS.

TAWDRY DISPLAY OF CLEAVAGE, BARE MIDRIFFS, AND JIGGLING BUTTOCKS. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

MIDRIFFS, AND JIGGLING BUTTOCKS. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] ALWAYS READY... ALWAYS... I KNOW

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] ALWAYS READY... ALWAYS... I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT YOU MEAN.

ALWAYS READY... ALWAYS... I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT YOU MEAN. I KNOW. I UNDERSTAND.

EXACTLY WHAT YOU MEAN. I KNOW. I UNDERSTAND. ALWAYS READY TO PLUMB NEW DEPTHS

I KNOW. I UNDERSTAND. ALWAYS READY TO PLUMB NEW DEPTHS OF MORAL TURPITUDE IN ORDER TO

ALWAYS READY TO PLUMB NEW DEPTHS OF MORAL TURPITUDE IN ORDER TO PLEASE HER CLIENTS.

OF MORAL TURPITUDE IN ORDER TO PLEASE HER CLIENTS. IS THIS WHAT TELEVISION HAS TO

PLEASE HER CLIENTS. IS THIS WHAT TELEVISION HAS TO BE?

IS THIS WHAT TELEVISION HAS TO BE? I DON'T THINK SO.

BE? I DON'T THINK SO. THE OTHER NIGHT, UH, I WAS

I DON'T THINK SO. THE OTHER NIGHT, UH, I WAS REREADING MARCEL PROUST'S "THE

THE OTHER NIGHT, UH, I WAS REREADING MARCEL PROUST'S "THE REMEMBRANCE OF THINGS PAST."

REREADING MARCEL PROUST'S "THE REMEMBRANCE OF THINGS PAST." AND I ASKED MYSELF, "WHY CAN'T

REMEMBRANCE OF THINGS PAST." AND I ASKED MYSELF, "WHY CAN'T TELEVISION BE VIEWED THE WAY

AND I ASKED MYSELF, "WHY CAN'T TELEVISION BE VIEWED THE WAY PROUST VIEWED LITERATURE," AS A

TELEVISION BE VIEWED THE WAY PROUST VIEWED LITERATURE," AS A MEANS OF RECOVERING FROM OUR

PROUST VIEWED LITERATURE," AS A MEANS OF RECOVERING FROM OUR UNCONSCIOUS MEMORY OF THE

MEANS OF RECOVERING FROM OUR UNCONSCIOUS MEMORY OF THE TEXTURE OF LIFE, THE DAY-TO-DAY

UNCONSCIOUS MEMORY OF THE TEXTURE OF LIFE, THE DAY-TO-DAY REALITY THAT WE DON'T SEE ON

TEXTURE OF LIFE, THE DAY-TO-DAY REALITY THAT WE DON'T SEE ON COMMERCIAL NETWORKS.

REALITY THAT WE DON'T SEE ON COMMERCIAL NETWORKS. IT'S NOT BECAUSE THAT CAN'T BE

COMMERCIAL NETWORKS. IT'S NOT BECAUSE THAT CAN'T BE DONE OR BECAUSE THE AMERICAN

IT'S NOT BECAUSE THAT CAN'T BE DONE OR BECAUSE THE AMERICAN PUBLIC DOESN'T WANT IT.

DONE OR BECAUSE THE AMERICAN PUBLIC DOESN'T WANT IT. IT'S BECAUSE A TINY GROUP OF

PUBLIC DOESN'T WANT IT. IT'S BECAUSE A TINY GROUP OF NETWORK BRASS HAS REFUSED TO

IT'S BECAUSE A TINY GROUP OF NETWORK BRASS HAS REFUSED TO ACCEPT THE FACT THAT WE'RE AS

NETWORK BRASS HAS REFUSED TO ACCEPT THE FACT THAT WE'RE AS INTERESTED IN, SAY, SUSAN SONTAG

ACCEPT THE FACT THAT WE'RE AS INTERESTED IN, SAY, SUSAN SONTAG AND HER INTELLECTUAL

INTERESTED IN, SAY, SUSAN SONTAG AND HER INTELLECTUAL ACHIEVEMENTS AS SUZANNE SOMERS

AND HER INTELLECTUAL ACHIEVEMENTS AS SUZANNE SOMERS AND HER PHYSICAL ENDOWMENTS.

ACHIEVEMENTS AS SUZANNE SOMERS AND HER PHYSICAL ENDOWMENTS. THEY WON'T BELIEVE THAT WE'D

AND HER PHYSICAL ENDOWMENTS. THEY WON'T BELIEVE THAT WE'D RATHER LISTEN... WE'D RATHER

THEY WON'T BELIEVE THAT WE'D RATHER LISTEN... WE'D RATHER READ BERTRAND RUSSELL'S

RATHER LISTEN... WE'D RATHER READ BERTRAND RUSSELL'S "WHY I AM NOT A CHRISTIAN" THAN

READ BERTRAND RUSSELL'S "WHY I AM NOT A CHRISTIAN" THAN JANE RUSSELL DOING "WHY I WEAR A

"WHY I AM NOT A CHRISTIAN" THAN JANE RUSSELL DOING "WHY I WEAR A FULL-FIGURED BRA."

JANE RUSSELL DOING "WHY I WEAR A FULL-FIGURED BRA." THE OLD THINKING, THE THINKING

FULL-FIGURED BRA." THE OLD THINKING, THE THINKING THAT HAS MADE THIS MEDIUM A

THE OLD THINKING, THE THINKING THAT HAS MADE THIS MEDIUM A CULTURAL BROTHEL, WHERE

THAT HAS MADE THIS MEDIUM A CULTURAL BROTHEL, WHERE DECADENCE AND VULGARITY

CULTURAL BROTHEL, WHERE DECADENCE AND VULGARITY FLOURISH, WON'T DIE EASILY.

DECADENCE AND VULGARITY FLOURISH, WON'T DIE EASILY. YEAH!

FLOURISH, WON'T DIE EASILY. YEAH! YES.

YEAH! YES. FORTUNATELY... FORTUNATELY,

YES. FORTUNATELY... FORTUNATELY, HOWEVER, THERE ARE OTHERS IN

FORTUNATELY... FORTUNATELY, HOWEVER, THERE ARE OTHERS IN PUBLIC LIFE THAT THINK THE WAY

HOWEVER, THERE ARE OTHERS IN PUBLIC LIFE THAT THINK THE WAY WE DO, PEOPLE WITH VISION...

PUBLIC LIFE THAT THINK THE WAY WE DO, PEOPLE WITH VISION... INTERESTING PEOPLE LIKE

WE DO, PEOPLE WITH VISION... INTERESTING PEOPLE LIKE CLEVELAND AMORY,

INTERESTING PEOPLE LIKE CLEVELAND AMORY, MARSHALL McLUHAN, DAVID FROST,

CLEVELAND AMORY, MARSHALL McLUHAN, DAVID FROST, EDWIN NEWMAN, ALISTAIR COOKE,

MARSHALL McLUHAN, DAVID FROST, EDWIN NEWMAN, ALISTAIR COOKE, JACK KILPATRICK AND

EDWIN NEWMAN, ALISTAIR COOKE, JACK KILPATRICK AND SHANA ALEXANDER, ANDY ROONEY.

JACK KILPATRICK AND SHANA ALEXANDER, ANDY ROONEY. OH, I COULD GO ON WITH THIS LIST

SHANA ALEXANDER, ANDY ROONEY. OH, I COULD GO ON WITH THIS LIST FOR A LONG TIME.

OH, I COULD GO ON WITH THIS LIST FOR A LONG TIME. THE POINT IS THAT THE MOVEMENT

FOR A LONG TIME. THE POINT IS THAT THE MOVEMENT IS GROWING, AND, WITH YOUR

THE POINT IS THAT THE MOVEMENT IS GROWING, AND, WITH YOUR CONTINUED SUPPORT, IT WILL

IS GROWING, AND, WITH YOUR CONTINUED SUPPORT, IT WILL CONTINUE.

CONTINUED SUPPORT, IT WILL CONTINUE. WELL, THIS HAS BEEN INTERESTING.

CONTINUE. WELL, THIS HAS BEEN INTERESTING. I'M GLAD WE HAD THE CHANCE TO

WELL, THIS HAS BEEN INTERESTING. I'M GLAD WE HAD THE CHANCE TO RAISE SOME OF THESE QUESTIONS

I'M GLAD WE HAD THE CHANCE TO RAISE SOME OF THESE QUESTIONS HERE TONIGHT.

RAISE SOME OF THESE QUESTIONS HERE TONIGHT. WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK AFTER THIS

HERE TONIGHT. WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK AFTER THIS COMMERCIAL MESSAGE.

SAY, DO YOU LIKE DISCO MUSIC? DO YOU LIKE TO ROLLER-SKATE? DO YOU LIKE TO FISH?

DO YOU LIKE TO ROLLER-SKATE? DO YOU LIKE TO FISH? YOU DO?!

DO YOU LIKE TO FISH? YOU DO?! WELL, THEN YOU'LL WANT TO BRING

YOU DO?! WELL, THEN YOU'LL WANT TO BRING THE WHOLE FAMILY OUT TO RAY'S

WELL, THEN YOU'LL WANT TO BRING THE WHOLE FAMILY OUT TO RAY'S DISCO ROLLER-FISHING PARK, A

THE WHOLE FAMILY OUT TO RAY'S DISCO ROLLER-FISHING PARK, A MOST EXCITING CONCEPT IN WEEKEND

DISCO ROLLER-FISHING PARK, A MOST EXCITING CONCEPT IN WEEKEND RECREATIONAL ENTERTAINMENT

MOST EXCITING CONCEPT IN WEEKEND RECREATIONAL ENTERTAINMENT AMUSEMENT PARKS.

RECREATIONAL ENTERTAINMENT AMUSEMENT PARKS. RAY'S DISCO ROLLER-FISHING PARK

AMUSEMENT PARKS. RAY'S DISCO ROLLER-FISHING PARK IS JUST A SHORT RIDE AWAY, SO

RAY'S DISCO ROLLER-FISHING PARK IS JUST A SHORT RIDE AWAY, SO YOU'LL SAVE ON GAS.

IS JUST A SHORT RIDE AWAY, SO YOU'LL SAVE ON GAS. AND ONCE YOU GET THERE, HOLD ON

YOU'LL SAVE ON GAS. AND ONCE YOU GET THERE, HOLD ON TO YOUR HAT 'CAUSE HERE COMES

AND ONCE YOU GET THERE, HOLD ON TO YOUR HAT 'CAUSE HERE COMES THE FUN!

TO YOUR HAT 'CAUSE HERE COMES THE FUN! THE DISCO MUSIC MAKES YOU WANT

THE FUN! THE DISCO MUSIC MAKES YOU WANT TO GET UP AND MOVE.

THE DISCO MUSIC MAKES YOU WANT TO GET UP AND MOVE. AND ON ROLLER SKATES, IT'S GREAT

TO GET UP AND MOVE. AND ON ROLLER SKATES, IT'S GREAT EXERCISE.

AND ON ROLLER SKATES, IT'S GREAT EXERCISE. AND WHEN YOU FISH AT THE SAME

EXERCISE. AND WHEN YOU FISH AT THE SAME TIME, IT'S SO RELAXING, YOUR

AND WHEN YOU FISH AT THE SAME TIME, IT'S SO RELAXING, YOUR CARES JUST ROLL AWAY IN RHYTHM.

TIME, IT'S SO RELAXING, YOUR CARES JUST ROLL AWAY IN RHYTHM. WE RENT YOU THE SKATES AND

CARES JUST ROLL AWAY IN RHYTHM. WE RENT YOU THE SKATES AND FISHING POLES.

WE RENT YOU THE SKATES AND FISHING POLES. YOU JUST PACK UP THE KIDS AND

FISHING POLES. YOU JUST PACK UP THE KIDS AND PUT A SIGN ON THE DOOR THAT

YOU JUST PACK UP THE KIDS AND PUT A SIGN ON THE DOOR THAT SAYS, "GONE DISCO

PUT A SIGN ON THE DOOR THAT SAYS, "GONE DISCO ROLLER-FISHING!"

SAYS, "GONE DISCO ROLLER-FISHING!" WHERE?

ROLLER-FISHING!" WHERE? AT RAY'S DISCO ROLLER-FISHING

WHERE? AT RAY'S DISCO ROLLER-FISHING PARK.

AT RAY'S DISCO ROLLER-FISHING PARK. YOU'RE SURE TO CATCH SOMETHING,

PARK. YOU'RE SURE TO CATCH SOMETHING, AND YOU CAN EAT IT LATER.

YOU'RE SURE TO CATCH SOMETHING, AND YOU CAN EAT IT LATER. EVERY SATURDAY, WE HAVE OUR

AND YOU CAN EAT IT LATER. EVERY SATURDAY, WE HAVE OUR ROLLER DANCE FISHING CONTEST,

EVERY SATURDAY, WE HAVE OUR ROLLER DANCE FISHING CONTEST, WITH A $50 PRIZE FOR THE BEST

ROLLER DANCE FISHING CONTEST, WITH A $50 PRIZE FOR THE BEST ROLLER-SKATING COUPLE WHO

WITH A $50 PRIZE FOR THE BEST ROLLER-SKATING COUPLE WHO CATCHES THE BIGGEST FISH.

ROLLER-SKATING COUPLE WHO CATCHES THE BIGGEST FISH. HEY, IF YOU LIKE BARRY WHITE AND

CATCHES THE BIGGEST FISH. HEY, IF YOU LIKE BARRY WHITE AND WHITEFISH, DISCO GROUPS AND

HEY, IF YOU LIKE BARRY WHITE AND WHITEFISH, DISCO GROUPS AND GROUPERS, OR A DISCO BASS WITH

WHITEFISH, DISCO GROUPS AND GROUPERS, OR A DISCO BASS WITH BASS, COME ON OUT!

GROUPERS, OR A DISCO BASS WITH BASS, COME ON OUT! ONCE YOU GET IT, YOU'RE GONNA BE

BASS, COME ON OUT! ONCE YOU GET IT, YOU'RE GONNA BE HOOKED!

ONCE YOU GET IT, YOU'RE GONNA BE HOOKED! BUT, SOMETIMES, THE MUSIC SCARES

HOOKED! BUT, SOMETIMES, THE MUSIC SCARES THE FISH!

BUT, SOMETIMES, THE MUSIC SCARES THE FISH! WHOA!

THE FISH! WHOA! AND SOMETIMES, YOU FALL DOWN!

WHOA! AND SOMETIMES, YOU FALL DOWN! WHOA!

AND SOMETIMES, YOU FALL DOWN! WHOA! WHOA, I THINK I'VE GOT A BIG

WHOA! WHOA, I THINK I'VE GOT A BIG ONE!

WHOA, I THINK I'VE GOT A BIG ONE! I'D BETTER GET UP!

ONE! I'D BETTER GET UP! WHOOPS! I MEAN GET DOWN!

Announcer: WHY DON'T YOU GET

DOWN TO RAY'S DISCO

ROLLER-FISHING PARK, JUST SOUTH

OF NEW YORK AND THE JERSEY

COAST?

ALL MAJOR CREDIT CARDS ACCEPTED.

AFTERNOON. CAN SOMEONE HELP ME? Announcer: IT'S TIME FOR

CAN SOMEONE HELP ME? Announcer: IT'S TIME FOR ANOTHER EPISODE OF...

BOY, AM I GLAD YOU'RE STILL OPEN. YOU KNOW, MY BROTHER IS GETTING

OPEN. YOU KNOW, MY BROTHER IS GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW.

YOU KNOW, MY BROTHER IS GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW. I'M THE BEST MAN, AND, LIKE A

MARRIED TOMORROW. I'M THE BEST MAN, AND, LIKE A DOPE, I FORGOT TO ORDER THE

I'M THE BEST MAN, AND, LIKE A DOPE, I FORGOT TO ORDER THE WEDDING CAKE.

DOPE, I FORGOT TO ORDER THE WEDDING CAKE. AAH!

WEDDING CAKE. AAH! [SHOUTING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

AAH! [SHOUTING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE] OH. OH, OKAY.

[SHOUTING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE] OH. OH, OKAY. OKAY.

OH. OH, OKAY. OKAY. [SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

YEAH. NOW, I NEED A WEDDING CAKE... OOH. OOH. OOH.

NOW, I NEED A WEDDING CAKE... OOH. OOH. OOH. THAT CAKE WOULD BE PERFECT.

OOH. OOH. OOH. THAT CAKE WOULD BE PERFECT. LISTEN, CAN YOU JUST TAKE THE...

THAT CAKE WOULD BE PERFECT. LISTEN, CAN YOU JUST TAKE THE... TAKE THE GRADUATE OFF THE TOP

LISTEN, CAN YOU JUST TAKE THE... TAKE THE GRADUATE OFF THE TOP AND... AND... AND PUT ON A

TAKE THE GRADUATE OFF THE TOP AND... AND... AND PUT ON A LITTLE BRIDE AND GROOM?

AND... AND... AND PUT ON A LITTLE BRIDE AND GROOM? [SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

LITTLE BRIDE AND GROOM? [SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE] AH. WHAT TIME ARE THEY

[SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE] AH. WHAT TIME ARE THEY SUPPOSED TO PICK IT UP?

AH. WHAT TIME ARE THEY SUPPOSED TO PICK IT UP? [SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

SUPPOSED TO PICK IT UP? [SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE] OOH, OOH, OOH.

[SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE] OOH, OOH, OOH. WHAT A NICE WATCH.

OOH, OOH, OOH. WHAT A NICE WATCH. THAT'S GREAT-LOOKING.

WHAT A NICE WATCH. THAT'S GREAT-LOOKING. IT'S SWISS.

THAT'S GREAT-LOOKING. IT'S SWISS. UH-HUH.

IT'S SWISS. UH-HUH. I HAVE A SEIKO, MYSELF.

UH-HUH. I HAVE A SEIKO, MYSELF. IT'S ONE OF THOSE JAPANESE

I HAVE A SEIKO, MYSELF. IT'S ONE OF THOSE JAPANESE CONTRAPTIONS.

IT'S ONE OF THOSE JAPANESE CONTRAPTIONS. PBHT! BLECH!

CONTRAPTIONS. PBHT! BLECH! [SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

PBHT! BLECH! [SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE] CUCKOO! CUCKOO!

[SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE] CUCKOO! CUCKOO! YEAH, WELL, I KNOW WHAT YOU

CUCKOO! CUCKOO! YEAH, WELL, I KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN.

YEAH, WELL, I KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN. BUT LOOK, LOOK... IT'S AFTER

MEAN. BUT LOOK, LOOK... IT'S AFTER 6:00 NOW.

BUT LOOK, LOOK... IT'S AFTER 6:00 NOW. WHY CAN'T I HAVE THAT CAKE?

6:00 NOW. WHY CAN'T I HAVE THAT CAKE? IT'S REAL IMPORTANT, HONESTLY.

WHY CAN'T I HAVE THAT CAKE? IT'S REAL IMPORTANT, HONESTLY. [SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

IT'S REAL IMPORTANT, HONESTLY. [SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE] NO, HUH?

[SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE] NO, HUH? WELL, UH, I GUESS YOU WOULDN'T

NO, HUH? WELL, UH, I GUESS YOU WOULDN'T BE INTERESTED IN, SAY, A BRIBE

WELL, UH, I GUESS YOU WOULDN'T BE INTERESTED IN, SAY, A BRIBE OF SOME KIND, HUH?

BE INTERESTED IN, SAY, A BRIBE OF SOME KIND, HUH? [SHOUTING IN FOREIGN

OF SOME KIND, HUH? [SHOUTING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

THAT'S PRETTY GOOD. IT'S GOING... IT'S GOING TO MAKE A YOUNG COUPLE VERY, VERY HAPPY.

IT'S GOING... IT'S GOING TO MAKE A YOUNG COUPLE VERY, VERY HAPPY. I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT MY BROTHER

A YOUNG COUPLE VERY, VERY HAPPY. I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT MY BROTHER IS GETTING HITCHED AFTER ALL

I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT MY BROTHER IS GETTING HITCHED AFTER ALL THESE YEARS.

IS GETTING HITCHED AFTER ALL THESE YEARS. YOU KNOW, I INTRODUCED MY

THESE YEARS. YOU KNOW, I INTRODUCED MY BROTHER TO HIS FIANCéE.

YOU KNOW, I INTRODUCED MY BROTHER TO HIS FIANCéE. MM-HMM.

BROTHER TO HIS FIANCéE. MM-HMM. [SHOUTS IN FOREIGN

MM-HMM. [SHOUTS IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

[SHOUTS IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE] [HUMMING]

[LANGUAGE] [HUMMING] OH.

[HUMMING] OH. OH, THAT'S REAL NICE.

OH. OH, THAT'S REAL NICE. AS A MATTER OF FACT, I NOT ONLY

OH, THAT'S REAL NICE. AS A MATTER OF FACT, I NOT ONLY INTRODUCED HIM TO HIS FIANCéE...

AS A MATTER OF FACT, I NOT ONLY INTRODUCED HIM TO HIS FIANCéE... I USED TO GO OUT WITH HER

INTRODUCED HIM TO HIS FIANCéE... I USED TO GO OUT WITH HER MYSELF.

I USED TO GO OUT WITH HER MYSELF. OH.

MYSELF. OH. [SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

OH. [SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE] YEAH.

[SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE] YEAH. [SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

YEAH. [SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE] YEAH, WELL, THAT COULD BE OUR

[SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE] YEAH, WELL, THAT COULD BE OUR LITTLE SECRET.

YEAH, WELL, THAT COULD BE OUR LITTLE SECRET. HEY, BY THE WAY, WHAT KIND OF

LITTLE SECRET. HEY, BY THE WAY, WHAT KIND OF CAKE IS THAT UNDER ALL THAT

HEY, BY THE WAY, WHAT KIND OF CAKE IS THAT UNDER ALL THAT WHIPPED CREAM?

CAKE IS THAT UNDER ALL THAT WHIPPED CREAM? IS THAT CHOCOLATE?

WHIPPED CREAM? IS THAT CHOCOLATE? [SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

IS THAT CHOCOLATE? [SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE] DEVIL'S FOOD?

[SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE] DEVIL'S FOOD? MNH-MNH.

DEVIL'S FOOD? MNH-MNH. WHAT?

MNH-MNH. WHAT? [SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE

WHAT? [SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE NASALLY]

[SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE NASALLY] OH, FRUITCAKE. AH.

[NASALLY] OH, FRUITCAKE. AH. IT'S MY FAVORITE.

OH, FRUITCAKE. AH. IT'S MY FAVORITE. BOY, IT'S REALLY A BEAUTY.

IT'S MY FAVORITE. BOY, IT'S REALLY A BEAUTY. YOU... YOU ARE A MASTER BAKER.

BOY, IT'S REALLY A BEAUTY. YOU... YOU ARE A MASTER BAKER. HMM? OH.

YOU... YOU ARE A MASTER BAKER. HMM? OH. HOW MUCH DO I OWE YOU?

HMM? OH. HOW MUCH DO I OWE YOU? [SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

HOW MUCH DO I OWE YOU? [SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE] OH, TERRIFIC.

[SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE] OH, TERRIFIC. HERE YOU GO.

OH, TERRIFIC. HERE YOU GO. NOW, LISTEN, HERE'S THE PROBLEM.

HERE YOU GO. NOW, LISTEN, HERE'S THE PROBLEM. HOW AM I GOING TO CARRY THAT

NOW, LISTEN, HERE'S THE PROBLEM. HOW AM I GOING TO CARRY THAT CAKE HOME BECAUSE I HAVE TO WALK

HOW AM I GOING TO CARRY THAT CAKE HOME BECAUSE I HAVE TO WALK SIX BLOCKS TO GET TO MY HOUSE.

CAKE HOME BECAUSE I HAVE TO WALK SIX BLOCKS TO GET TO MY HOUSE. [SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

AH! THANKS A LOT. Announcer: TUNE IN NEXT WEEK

THANKS A LOT. Announcer: TUNE IN NEXT WEEK FOR ANOTHER EPISODE OF...

PLUS, THERE'S A REAL PROBLEM IN RAISING MONEY. UH, MITCHELL HAS BEEN WORKING ON

IN RAISING MONEY. UH, MITCHELL HAS BEEN WORKING ON RAISING SOME MONEY, FEELING HE'S

UH, MITCHELL HAS BEEN WORKING ON RAISING SOME MONEY, FEELING HE'S GOT, YOU KNOW... HE'S ONE OF THE

RAISING SOME MONEY, FEELING HE'S GOT, YOU KNOW... HE'S ONE OF THE ONES WITH THE MOST TO LOSE.

GOT, YOU KNOW... HE'S ONE OF THE ONES WITH THE MOST TO LOSE. UH, BUT THERE'S NO DENYING THE

ONES WITH THE MOST TO LOSE. UH, BUT THERE'S NO DENYING THE FACT THAT THE WHITE HOUSE...

UH, BUT THERE'S NO DENYING THE FACT THAT THE WHITE HOUSE... EHRLICHMAN, HALDEMAN, DEAN...

FACT THAT THE WHITE HOUSE... EHRLICHMAN, HALDEMAN, DEAN... ARE ALL INVOLVED IN SOME OF THE

EHRLICHMAN, HALDEMAN, DEAN... ARE ALL INVOLVED IN SOME OF THE EARLY MONEY DECISIONS.

ARE ALL INVOLVED IN SOME OF THE EARLY MONEY DECISIONS. HOW MUCH MONEY DO YOU NEED?

EARLY MONEY DECISIONS. HOW MUCH MONEY DO YOU NEED? WELL, I WOULD SAY THESE

HOW MUCH MONEY DO YOU NEED? WELL, I WOULD SAY THESE PEOPLE ARE GONNA COST, UH, A

WELL, I WOULD SAY THESE PEOPLE ARE GONNA COST, UH, A MILLION DOLLARS OVER THE NEXT,

PEOPLE ARE GONNA COST, UH, A MILLION DOLLARS OVER THE NEXT, UH, TWO YEARS.

MILLION DOLLARS OVER THE NEXT, UH, TWO YEARS. WE COULD GET THAT.

UH, TWO YEARS. WE COULD GET THAT. UH-HUH.

WE COULD GET THAT. UH-HUH. YOU... ON THE MONEY... IF YOU

UH-HUH. YOU... ON THE MONEY... IF YOU NEED THE MONEY... I MEAN, UH,

YOU... ON THE MONEY... IF YOU NEED THE MONEY... I MEAN, UH, YOU COULD GET THE MONEY.

NEED THE MONEY... I MEAN, UH, YOU COULD GET THE MONEY. LET'S SAY...

YOU COULD GET THE MONEY. LET'S SAY... WELL, I THINK THAT WE'RE

LET'S SAY... WELL, I THINK THAT WE'RE GOING TO...

WELL, I THINK THAT WE'RE GOING TO... WELL, THAT WAS A PIECE OF

GOING TO... WELL, THAT WAS A PIECE OF CRAP.

WELL, THAT WAS A PIECE OF CRAP. YEAH, DADDY, I THOUGHT THE

CRAP. YEAH, DADDY, I THOUGHT THE GUY PLAYING YOU WAS REALLY

YEAH, DADDY, I THOUGHT THE GUY PLAYING YOU WAS REALLY TERRIBLE.

GUY PLAYING YOU WAS REALLY TERRIBLE. YEAH, UH, RIP TORN.

TERRIBLE. YEAH, UH, RIP TORN. HE DIDN'T LOOK ANYTHING LIKE

YEAH, UH, RIP TORN. HE DIDN'T LOOK ANYTHING LIKE YOU.

HE DIDN'T LOOK ANYTHING LIKE YOU. YEAH, AND HE WAS REALLY

YOU. YEAH, AND HE WAS REALLY STIFF, TOO.

YEAH, AND HE WAS REALLY STIFF, TOO. I THINK, IN SOME WAYS, HE WAS

STIFF, TOO. I THINK, IN SOME WAYS, HE WAS UNCANNILY ACCURATE.

I THINK, IN SOME WAYS, HE WAS UNCANNILY ACCURATE. SHUT UP!

UNCANNILY ACCURATE. SHUT UP! I NOTICED THEY DIDN'T SPEND A

SHUT UP! I NOTICED THEY DIDN'T SPEND A LOT OF TIME ON YOUR DYNAMIC ROLE

I NOTICED THEY DIDN'T SPEND A LOT OF TIME ON YOUR DYNAMIC ROLE IN HISTORY.

LOT OF TIME ON YOUR DYNAMIC ROLE IN HISTORY. WELL, I DIDN'T COMMIT ANY

IN HISTORY. WELL, I DIDN'T COMMIT ANY CRIMES.

WELL, I DIDN'T COMMIT ANY CRIMES. DADDY, DID YOU REALLY SAY

CRIMES. DADDY, DID YOU REALLY SAY THOSE THINGS?

DADDY, DID YOU REALLY SAY THOSE THINGS? NOW, PRINCESS, YOU KNOW

THOSE THINGS? NOW, PRINCESS, YOU KNOW DADDY.

NOW, PRINCESS, YOU KNOW DADDY. WOULD... WOULD I SAY THOSE

DADDY. WOULD... WOULD I SAY THOSE THINGS?

WOULD... WOULD I SAY THOSE THINGS? WELL, ACTUALLY, SIR, IT SAID

THINGS? WELL, ACTUALLY, SIR, IT SAID THAT ALL YOUR CONVERSATIONS WITH

WELL, ACTUALLY, SIR, IT SAID THAT ALL YOUR CONVERSATIONS WITH DEAN WERE TAKEN FROM THE TAPED

THAT ALL YOUR CONVERSATIONS WITH DEAN WERE TAKEN FROM THE TAPED TRANSCRIPTS.

DEAN WERE TAKEN FROM THE TAPED TRANSCRIPTS. OKAY, BRIGHT EYES, IT WAS

TRANSCRIPTS. OKAY, BRIGHT EYES, IT WAS FROM THE TRANSCRIPTS.

OKAY, BRIGHT EYES, IT WAS FROM THE TRANSCRIPTS. BUT IT'S NOT HOW YOU SAY IT.

FROM THE TRANSCRIPTS. BUT IT'S NOT HOW YOU SAY IT. IT'S NOT WHAT YOU SAY, RATHER.

BUT IT'S NOT HOW YOU SAY IT. IT'S NOT WHAT YOU SAY, RATHER. IT'S HOW YOU SAY IT, IDIOT!

IT'S NOT WHAT YOU SAY, RATHER. IT'S HOW YOU SAY IT, IDIOT! YOU SEE, I-I CALLED YOU "IDIOT,"

IT'S HOW YOU SAY IT, IDIOT! YOU SEE, I-I CALLED YOU "IDIOT," BUT I MEANT IT AFFECTIONATELY.

YOU SEE, I-I CALLED YOU "IDIOT," BUT I MEANT IT AFFECTIONATELY. I'M NOT SURE I UNDERSTAND.

BUT I MEANT IT AFFECTIONATELY. I'M NOT SURE I UNDERSTAND. OKAY, LOOK, LOOK.

I'M NOT SURE I UNDERSTAND. OKAY, LOOK, LOOK. YOU JUST SAY SOMETHING, AND I'LL

OKAY, LOOK, LOOK. YOU JUST SAY SOMETHING, AND I'LL SHOW YOU HOW THE MEANING

YOU JUST SAY SOMETHING, AND I'LL SHOW YOU HOW THE MEANING CHANGES, DEPENDING UPON HOW YOU

SHOW YOU HOW THE MEANING CHANGES, DEPENDING UPON HOW YOU SAY IT.

CHANGES, DEPENDING UPON HOW YOU SAY IT. OKAY.

SAY IT. OKAY. I WISH I WERE A BASEBALL PLAYER.

OKAY. I WISH I WERE A BASEBALL PLAYER. OKAY.

I WISH I WERE A BASEBALL PLAYER. OKAY. I WISH I WERE A BASEBALL PLAYER.

OKAY. I WISH I WERE A BASEBALL PLAYER. UH, I WISH I WERE A BASEBALL

I WISH I WERE A BASEBALL PLAYER. UH, I WISH I WERE A BASEBALL PLAYER?

UH, I WISH I WERE A BASEBALL PLAYER? YOU SEE, LIKE I DON'T REALLY

PLAYER? YOU SEE, LIKE I DON'T REALLY MEAN IT.

YOU SEE, LIKE I DON'T REALLY MEAN IT. BUT I WOULDN'T SAY IT THAT

MEAN IT. BUT I WOULDN'T SAY IT THAT WAY.

BUT I WOULDN'T SAY IT THAT WAY. WELL, THAT IS THE POINT,

WAY. WELL, THAT IS THE POINT, DAVID.

WELL, THAT IS THE POINT, DAVID. OR I WISH I WAS A BASEBALL

DAVID. OR I WISH I WAS A BASEBALL PLAYER, AS OPPOSED TO SEVERAL.

OR I WISH I WAS A BASEBALL PLAYER, AS OPPOSED TO SEVERAL. YOU SEE?

PLAYER, AS OPPOSED TO SEVERAL. YOU SEE? I GUESS SO.

YOU SEE? I GUESS SO. BOY, THAT CAN REALLY MAKE THINGS

I GUESS SO. BOY, THAT CAN REALLY MAKE THINGS DIFFERENT.

BOY, THAT CAN REALLY MAKE THINGS DIFFERENT. BOY, THAT CAN REALLY MAKE THINGS

DIFFERENT. BOY, THAT CAN REALLY MAKE THINGS DIFFERENT.

BOY, THAT CAN REALLY MAKE THINGS DIFFERENT. BOY, THAT CAN REALLY MAKE...

DIFFERENT. BOY, THAT CAN REALLY MAKE... SHUT UP, DAVID.

BOY, THAT CAN REALLY MAKE... SHUT UP, DAVID. [Slurring] WHY DON'T YOU

SHUT UP, DAVID. [Slurring] WHY DON'T YOU TRY, "I LOVE YOU"?

[Slurring] WHY DON'T YOU TRY, "I LOVE YOU"? LOOK, WE'VE MADE THE POINT

TRY, "I LOVE YOU"? LOOK, WE'VE MADE THE POINT THERE.

LOOK, WE'VE MADE THE POINT THERE. NOW, YOU GOT ENOUGH ICE?

THERE. NOW, YOU GOT ENOUGH ICE? IS YOUR DRINK OKAY?

NOW, YOU GOT ENOUGH ICE? IS YOUR DRINK OKAY? JUST LET ME FINISH TALKING TO MY

IS YOUR DRINK OKAY? JUST LET ME FINISH TALKING TO MY DAUGHTER AND HER HUSBAND, ALL

JUST LET ME FINISH TALKING TO MY DAUGHTER AND HER HUSBAND, ALL RIGHT?

DAUGHTER AND HER HUSBAND, ALL RIGHT? NOW, WHERE WAS I?

RIGHT? NOW, WHERE WAS I? UH, YOU WERE SAYING THAT THEY

NOW, WHERE WAS I? UH, YOU WERE SAYING THAT THEY TOOK THOSE TRANSCRIPTS, AND THEY

UH, YOU WERE SAYING THAT THEY TOOK THOSE TRANSCRIPTS, AND THEY TWISTED THEM AROUND TO MAKE YOU

TOOK THOSE TRANSCRIPTS, AND THEY TWISTED THEM AROUND TO MAKE YOU LOOK LIKE A CROOK.

TWISTED THEM AROUND TO MAKE YOU LOOK LIKE A CROOK. UH, YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT,

LOOK LIKE A CROOK. UH, YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT, KITTEN.

UH, YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT, KITTEN. FOR EXAMPLE, THE SCENE WE JUST

KITTEN. FOR EXAMPLE, THE SCENE WE JUST SAW, THAT MARCH 21st MEETING

FOR EXAMPLE, THE SCENE WE JUST SAW, THAT MARCH 21st MEETING WITH DEAN IN THE OVAL OFFICE.

SAW, THAT MARCH 21st MEETING WITH DEAN IN THE OVAL OFFICE. THE WAY THEY SHOWED IT, IT MAKES

WITH DEAN IN THE OVAL OFFICE. THE WAY THEY SHOWED IT, IT MAKES IT SEEM LIKE I AUTHORIZED

THE WAY THEY SHOWED IT, IT MAKES IT SEEM LIKE I AUTHORIZED RAISING THE HUSH MONEY.

IT SEEM LIKE I AUTHORIZED RAISING THE HUSH MONEY. BUT, OF COURSE, NOTHING COULD BE

RAISING THE HUSH MONEY. BUT, OF COURSE, NOTHING COULD BE FURTHER FROM THE TRUTH.

BUT, OF COURSE, NOTHING COULD BE FURTHER FROM THE TRUTH. LET ME TELL YOU HOW IT REALLY

FURTHER FROM THE TRUTH. LET ME TELL YOU HOW IT REALLY WENT DOWN.

LET ME TELL YOU HOW IT REALLY WENT DOWN. YOU SEE...

WENT DOWN. YOU SEE... EXCUSE ME, I'M GOING UPSTAIRS

YOU SEE... EXCUSE ME, I'M GOING UPSTAIRS TO WATCH THE REST OF THE SHOW

EXCUSE ME, I'M GOING UPSTAIRS TO WATCH THE REST OF THE SHOW AND FIND OUT WHAT REALLY

TO WATCH THE REST OF THE SHOW AND FIND OUT WHAT REALLY HAPPENED.

AND FIND OUT WHAT REALLY HAPPENED. SHE COULD HAVE SAID SHE WAS

HAPPENED. SHE COULD HAVE SAID SHE WAS GOING UP TO READ A BOOK, BUT,

SHE COULD HAVE SAID SHE WAS GOING UP TO READ A BOOK, BUT, NO.

GOING UP TO READ A BOOK, BUT, NO. THANKS!

NO. THANKS! THANKS FOR THE SENSITIVITY!

THANKS! THANKS FOR THE SENSITIVITY! THANKS FOR THE SUPPORT!

THANKS FOR THE SENSITIVITY! THANKS FOR THE SUPPORT! THANKS A LOT!

THANKS FOR THE SUPPORT! THANKS A LOT! WHERE WAS I, NOW?

THANKS A LOT! WHERE WAS I, NOW? UH, YOU WERE TELLING US HOW

WHERE WAS I, NOW? UH, YOU WERE TELLING US HOW THEY TWISTED THE MEANING OF WHAT

UH, YOU WERE TELLING US HOW THEY TWISTED THE MEANING OF WHAT YOU SAID.

THEY TWISTED THE MEANING OF WHAT YOU SAID. THAT'S RIGHT.

YOU SAID. THAT'S RIGHT. UH, UH, YEAH, YEAH.

THAT'S RIGHT. UH, UH, YEAH, YEAH. YOU SEE, MY ADMINISTRATION HAD

UH, UH, YEAH, YEAH. YOU SEE, MY ADMINISTRATION HAD THE GREATEST SENSE OF HUMOR THAT

YOU SEE, MY ADMINISTRATION HAD THE GREATEST SENSE OF HUMOR THAT THIS COUNTRY HAS EVER SEEN.

THE GREATEST SENSE OF HUMOR THAT THIS COUNTRY HAS EVER SEEN. YOU SEE, MOST OF THE TIME, WE

THIS COUNTRY HAS EVER SEEN. YOU SEE, MOST OF THE TIME, WE WERE MAKING PARTY TAPES...

YOU SEE, MOST OF THE TIME, WE WERE MAKING PARTY TAPES... ME AND HALDEMAN AND EHRLICHMAN

WERE MAKING PARTY TAPES... ME AND HALDEMAN AND EHRLICHMAN AND DEAN COULD JOKE FOR WEEKS ON

ME AND HALDEMAN AND EHRLICHMAN AND DEAN COULD JOKE FOR WEEKS ON END.

AND DEAN COULD JOKE FOR WEEKS ON END. WE'D ACTUALLY PLAY TO THE

END. WE'D ACTUALLY PLAY TO THE MICROPHONE.

WE'D ACTUALLY PLAY TO THE MICROPHONE. WE'D DO ANYTHING TO CRACK EACH

MICROPHONE. WE'D DO ANYTHING TO CRACK EACH OTHER UP.

WE'D DO ANYTHING TO CRACK EACH OTHER UP. AND I REMEMBER ON THAT DAY, DEAN

OTHER UP. AND I REMEMBER ON THAT DAY, DEAN WAS ON A ROLL, SO I JUST

AND I REMEMBER ON THAT DAY, DEAN WAS ON A ROLL, SO I JUST FOLLOWED HIS LEAD AND PLAYED

WAS ON A ROLL, SO I JUST FOLLOWED HIS LEAD AND PLAYED ALONG WITH THE JOKE.

FOLLOWED HIS LEAD AND PLAYED ALONG WITH THE JOKE. PLUS, THERE'S A REAL PROBLEM

ALONG WITH THE JOKE. PLUS, THERE'S A REAL PROBLEM IN RAISING MONEY.

UH, MITCHELL... MITCHELL HAS BEEN WORKING ON RAISING SOME MONEY, FEELING HE'S GOT, YOU

BEEN WORKING ON RAISING SOME MONEY, FEELING HE'S GOT, YOU KNOW... HE'S ONE OF THE ONES

MONEY, FEELING HE'S GOT, YOU KNOW... HE'S ONE OF THE ONES WITH THE MOST TO LOSE.

KNOW... HE'S ONE OF THE ONES WITH THE MOST TO LOSE. MARTHA.

WITH THE MOST TO LOSE. MARTHA. [BOTH LAUGHING]

MARTHA. [BOTH LAUGHING] BUT THERE IS NO DENYING THE

[BOTH LAUGHING] BUT THERE IS NO DENYING THE FACT THAT THE WHITE HOUSE...

BUT THERE IS NO DENYING THE FACT THAT THE WHITE HOUSE... EHRLICHMAN, HALDEMAN, DEAN...

FACT THAT THE WHITE HOUSE... EHRLICHMAN, HALDEMAN, DEAN... ARE ALL INVOLVED IN SOME OF

EHRLICHMAN, HALDEMAN, DEAN... ARE ALL INVOLVED IN SOME OF THE EARLY MONEY DECISIONS.

ARE ALL INVOLVED IN SOME OF THE EARLY MONEY DECISIONS. HOW MUCH MONEY DO THEY NEED?

THE EARLY MONEY DECISIONS. HOW MUCH MONEY DO THEY NEED? WELL, I WOULD SAY THESE

HOW MUCH MONEY DO THEY NEED? WELL, I WOULD SAY THESE PEOPLE ARE GONNA COST, UH, UH, A

WELL, I WOULD SAY THESE PEOPLE ARE GONNA COST, UH, UH, A MILLION DOLLARS...

PEOPLE ARE GONNA COST, UH, UH, A MILLION DOLLARS... [BOTH LAUGHING]

MILLION DOLLARS... [BOTH LAUGHING] OVER THE NEXT TWO YEARS.

[BOTH LAUGHING] OVER THE NEXT TWO YEARS. WE COULD GET THAT.

OVER THE NEXT TWO YEARS. WE COULD GET THAT. UH-HUH.

UH, UH, YOU, UH, ON THE MONEY... IF YOU, UH, NEED THE MONEY, I MEAN, UH, YOU COULD GET

MONEY... IF YOU, UH, NEED THE MONEY, I MEAN, UH, YOU COULD GET THE MONEY.

MONEY, I MEAN, UH, YOU COULD GET THE MONEY. LET'S SAY, UH...

THE MONEY. LET'S SAY, UH... WELL, I THINK IF WE'RE GOING

LET'S SAY, UH... WELL, I THINK IF WE'RE GOING TO, UH...

WELL, I THINK IF WE'RE GOING TO, UH... WHAT I MEANT IS, UH, YOU

TO, UH... WHAT I MEANT IS, UH, YOU COULD GET, UH... YOU COULD GET A

WHAT I MEANT IS, UH, YOU COULD GET, UH... YOU COULD GET A MILLION DOLLARS, AND YOU COULD

COULD GET, UH... YOU COULD GET A MILLION DOLLARS, AND YOU COULD GET IT IN CASH.

I, UH... I KNOW WHERE IT COULD BE GOTTEN. UH-HUH.

BE GOTTEN. UH-HUH. I MEAN, IT'S NOT EASY, BUT IT

UH-HUH. I MEAN, IT'S NOT EASY, BUT IT COULD BE DONE.

I MEAN, IT'S NOT EASY, BUT IT COULD BE DONE. [LAUGHING]

YOU SEE, DAVID? THINGS AREN'T ALWAYS AS THEY SEEM.

THINGS AREN'T ALWAYS AS THEY SEEM. WELL, I-I GUESS PEOPLE JUST

SEEM. WELL, I-I GUESS PEOPLE JUST HEAR WHAT THEY WANT TO HEAR.

WELL, I-I GUESS PEOPLE JUST HEAR WHAT THEY WANT TO HEAR. I'LL SAY.

HEAR WHAT THEY WANT TO HEAR. I'LL SAY. YOU KNOW, DAD'S ONLY CRIME

I'LL SAY. YOU KNOW, DAD'S ONLY CRIME REALLY WAS HAVING TOO GOOD A

YOU KNOW, DAD'S ONLY CRIME REALLY WAS HAVING TOO GOOD A SENSE OF HUMOR.

REALLY WAS HAVING TOO GOOD A SENSE OF HUMOR. YOU'RE DAMN RIGHT, KITTEN.

SENSE OF HUMOR. YOU'RE DAMN RIGHT, KITTEN. YOU KNOW, DAD, YOU SHOULD TRY

YOU'RE DAMN RIGHT, KITTEN. YOU KNOW, DAD, YOU SHOULD TRY TO GET THOSE TAPES RELEASED, AND

YOU KNOW, DAD, YOU SHOULD TRY TO GET THOSE TAPES RELEASED, AND THEN EVERYONE CAN HEAR THAT

TO GET THOSE TAPES RELEASED, AND THEN EVERYONE CAN HEAR THAT YOU'RE JUST JOKING AROUND.

THEN EVERYONE CAN HEAR THAT YOU'RE JUST JOKING AROUND. YEAH, THAT'S A GOOD IDEA.

YOU'RE JUST JOKING AROUND. YEAH, THAT'S A GOOD IDEA. WELL, UH, YOU KNOW, EVEN

YEAH, THAT'S A GOOD IDEA. WELL, UH, YOU KNOW, EVEN AUDIO TAPES CAN BE A LITTLE

WELL, UH, YOU KNOW, EVEN AUDIO TAPES CAN BE A LITTLE MISLEADING.

AUDIO TAPES CAN BE A LITTLE MISLEADING. THE EXPRESSION ON YOUR FACE IS

MISLEADING. THE EXPRESSION ON YOUR FACE IS REALLY IMPORTANT, TOO.

THE EXPRESSION ON YOUR FACE IS REALLY IMPORTANT, TOO. OH, IT'S TOO BAD YOU DIDN'T

REALLY IMPORTANT, TOO. OH, IT'S TOO BAD YOU DIDN'T MAKE ANY VIDEOTAPES.

OH, IT'S TOO BAD YOU DIDN'T MAKE ANY VIDEOTAPES. YEAH.

MAKE ANY VIDEOTAPES. YEAH. YEAH.

YEAH. YEAH. YEAH, TOO BAD.

YEAH. YEAH, TOO BAD. WELL, UH, WE SHOULD GO TO

YEAH, TOO BAD. WELL, UH, WE SHOULD GO TO BED.

WELL, UH, WE SHOULD GO TO BED. AWW.

BED. AWW. UH, YOU'RE RIGHT.

AWW. UH, YOU'RE RIGHT. THAT LITTLE GRANDDAUGHTER OF

UH, YOU'RE RIGHT. THAT LITTLE GRANDDAUGHTER OF MINE'S GONNA BE WAKING YOU TWO

THAT LITTLE GRANDDAUGHTER OF MINE'S GONNA BE WAKING YOU TWO KIDS UP EARLY TOMORROW.

MINE'S GONNA BE WAKING YOU TWO KIDS UP EARLY TOMORROW. GOOD NIGHT, DAD.

KIDS UP EARLY TOMORROW. GOOD NIGHT, DAD. GOOD NIGHT, PRINCESS.

GOOD NIGHT, DAD. GOOD NIGHT, PRINCESS. GOOD NIGHT, SIR.

GOOD NIGHT, PRINCESS. GOOD NIGHT, SIR. GOOD NIGHT, DAVID.

GOOD NIGHT, SIR. GOOD NIGHT, DAVID. UH, DAD, I GUESS I OWE YOU AN

GOOD NIGHT, DAVID. UH, DAD, I GUESS I OWE YOU AN APOLOGY FOR WHAT I SAID ABOUT

UH, DAD, I GUESS I OWE YOU AN APOLOGY FOR WHAT I SAID ABOUT THE TRANSCRIPTS.

APOLOGY FOR WHAT I SAID ABOUT THE TRANSCRIPTS. NO, THAT'S OKAY, DAVID.

THE TRANSCRIPTS. NO, THAT'S OKAY, DAVID. WELL, GOOD NIGHT, SIR.

NO, THAT'S OKAY, DAVID. WELL, GOOD NIGHT, SIR. GOOD NIGHT.

WELL, GOOD NIGHT, SIR. GOOD NIGHT. PLEASANT DREAMS, SIR.

GOOD NIGHT. PLEASANT DREAMS, SIR. MM-HMM.

PLEASANT DREAMS, SIR. MM-HMM. PLEASANT DREAMS, SIR.

MM-HMM. PLEASANT DREAMS, SIR. MM-HMM.

PLEASANT DREAMS, SIR. MM-HMM. UH, PLEASANT DREA...

MM-HMM. UH, PLEASANT DREA... YES, DAVID, THANK YOU!

UH, PLEASANT DREA... YES, DAVID, THANK YOU! GOOD NIGHT!

HA! YEAH! LARRY! HA! MOE!

LARRY! HA! MOE! HA!

HA! MOE! HA! [LAUGHS]

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, BETTE MIDLER. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

BETTE MIDLER. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] [INTRO TO "MARRIED MEN" PLAYS]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] [INTRO TO "MARRIED MEN" PLAYS] ♪ MARRIED MEN ♪

[INTRO TO "MARRIED MEN" PLAYS] ♪ MARRIED MEN ♪ ♪ MARRIED MEN ♪

♪ MARRIED MEN ♪ ♪ MARRIED MEN ♪ ♪ TALK ABOUT MARRIED MEN ♪

♪ MARRIED MEN ♪ ♪ TALK ABOUT MARRIED MEN ♪ ♪ OOH, OOH, OOH ♪

♪ TALK ABOUT MARRIED MEN ♪ ♪ OOH, OOH, OOH ♪ ♪ MARRIED MEN ♪

♪ OOH, OOH, OOH ♪ ♪ MARRIED MEN ♪ ♪ MARRIED MEN ♪

♪ MARRIED MEN ♪ ♪ MARRIED MEN ♪ ♪ TALK ABOUT MARRIED MEN ♪

♪ MARRIED MEN ♪ ♪ TALK ABOUT MARRIED MEN ♪ ♪ OOH, OOH, OOH ♪

♪ TALK ABOUT MARRIED MEN ♪ ♪ OOH, OOH, OOH ♪ ♪ THE WORLD IS FULL OF

♪ OOH, OOH, OOH ♪ ♪ THE WORLD IS FULL OF MARRIED MEN ♪

♪ THE WORLD IS FULL OF MARRIED MEN ♪ ♪ WITH WIVES WHO NEVER

MARRIED MEN ♪ ♪ WITH WIVES WHO NEVER UNDERSTAND ♪

♪ WITH WIVES WHO NEVER UNDERSTAND ♪ ♪ THEY'RE LOOKING FOR SOMEONE TO

UNDERSTAND ♪ ♪ THEY'RE LOOKING FOR SOMEONE TO SHARE ♪

♪ THEY'RE LOOKING FOR SOMEONE TO SHARE ♪ ♪ THE EXCITEMENT OF A LOVE

SHARE ♪ ♪ THE EXCITEMENT OF A LOVE AFFAIR ♪

♪ THE EXCITEMENT OF A LOVE AFFAIR ♪ ♪ AND JUST AS SOON AS THEY FIND

AFFAIR ♪ ♪ AND JUST AS SOON AS THEY FIND YOU, THEY'LL WINE YOU AND DINE

♪ AND JUST AS SOON AS THEY FIND YOU, THEY'LL WINE YOU AND DINE YOU ♪

YOU, THEY'LL WINE YOU AND DINE YOU ♪ ♪ FLY ON THE WINGS OF ROMANCE ♪

YOU ♪ ♪ FLY ON THE WINGS OF ROMANCE ♪ ♪ BUT IN THE EYES OF THE WORLD ♪

♪ FLY ON THE WINGS OF ROMANCE ♪ ♪ BUT IN THE EYES OF THE WORLD ♪ ♪ YOU'RE JUST ANOTHER GIRL ♪

♪ BUT IN THE EYES OF THE WORLD ♪ ♪ YOU'RE JUST ANOTHER GIRL ♪ ♪ WHO LOVES A MARRIED MAN ♪

♪ YOU'RE JUST ANOTHER GIRL ♪ ♪ WHO LOVES A MARRIED MAN ♪ UNH!

♪ WHO LOVES A MARRIED MAN ♪ UNH! ♪ THEY DO IT, THEY DO IT ♪

UNH! ♪ THEY DO IT, THEY DO IT ♪ ♪ THEY DO IT, THEY DO IT ♪

♪ THEY DO IT, THEY DO IT ♪ ♪ THEY DO IT, THEY DO IT ♪ ♪ AGAIN AND AGAIN ♪

♪ THEY DO IT, THEY DO IT ♪ ♪ AGAIN AND AGAIN ♪ ♪ THEY DO IT, THEY DO IT ♪

♪ AGAIN AND AGAIN ♪ ♪ THEY DO IT, THEY DO IT ♪ ♪ THEY DO IT, THEY DO IT ♪

♪ THEY DO IT, THEY DO IT ♪ ♪ THEY DO IT, THEY DO IT ♪ ♪ THESE MARRIED MEN ♪

♪ THEY DO IT, THEY DO IT ♪ ♪ THESE MARRIED MEN ♪ ♪ TALK ABOUT MARRIED MEN ♪

♪ THESE MARRIED MEN ♪ ♪ TALK ABOUT MARRIED MEN ♪ ♪ OOH ♪

♪ TALK ABOUT MARRIED MEN ♪ ♪ OOH ♪ ♪ YOU MAKE HIM FEEL SO YOUNG ♪

♪ OOH ♪ ♪ YOU MAKE HIM FEEL SO YOUNG ♪ ♪ BUT HIS WIFE IS STILL THE

♪ YOU MAKE HIM FEEL SO YOUNG ♪ ♪ BUT HIS WIFE IS STILL THE NUMBER ONE ♪

♪ BUT HIS WIFE IS STILL THE NUMBER ONE ♪ ♪ AND THEN HE PROMISES HE'LL

NUMBER ONE ♪ ♪ AND THEN HE PROMISES HE'LL MARRY YOU ♪

♪ AND THEN HE PROMISES HE'LL MARRY YOU ♪ ♪ YEAH, JUST AS SOON AS HIS

MARRY YOU ♪ ♪ YEAH, JUST AS SOON AS HIS DIVORCE COMES THROUGH ♪

♪ YEAH, JUST AS SOON AS HIS DIVORCE COMES THROUGH ♪ ♪ YEAH ♪

DIVORCE COMES THROUGH ♪ ♪ YEAH ♪ ♪ WHOA, IT'S NOT JUST A

♪ YEAH ♪ ♪ WHOA, IT'S NOT JUST A FLING ♪

♪ WHOA, IT'S NOT JUST A FLING ♪ ♪ HE SWEARS IT'S THE REAL

FLING ♪ ♪ HE SWEARS IT'S THE REAL THING ♪

♪ HE SWEARS IT'S THE REAL THING ♪ ♪ A LOVE THAT WILL LAST TILL THE

THING ♪ ♪ A LOVE THAT WILL LAST TILL THE END ♪

♪ A LOVE THAT WILL LAST TILL THE END ♪ ♪ BUT AS HE'S DRIVING AWAY ♪

END ♪ ♪ BUT AS HE'S DRIVING AWAY ♪ ♪ YOU KNOW, IT'S TRUE WHAT THEY

♪ BUT AS HE'S DRIVING AWAY ♪ ♪ YOU KNOW, IT'S TRUE WHAT THEY SAY ♪

♪ YOU KNOW, IT'S TRUE WHAT THEY SAY ♪ ♪ ABOUT A, A MARRIED MAN ♪

SAY ♪ ♪ ABOUT A, A MARRIED MAN ♪ ♪ THEY SAY THEY DO IT ♪

♪ ABOUT A, A MARRIED MAN ♪ ♪ THEY SAY THEY DO IT ♪ ♪ THEY DO IT ♪

♪ THEY SAY THEY DO IT ♪ ♪ THEY DO IT ♪ ♪ THEY DO IT, THEY DO IT ♪

♪ THEY DO IT ♪ ♪ THEY DO IT, THEY DO IT ♪ ♪ AGAIN AND AGAIN ♪

♪ THEY DO IT, THEY DO IT ♪ ♪ AGAIN AND AGAIN ♪ ♪ THEY DO IT, THEY DO IT ♪

♪ AGAIN AND AGAIN ♪ ♪ THEY DO IT, THEY DO IT ♪ ♪ THEY DO IT, THEY DO IT ♪

♪ THEY DO IT, THEY DO IT ♪ ♪ THEY DO IT, THEY DO IT ♪ ♪ THESE MARRIED MEN ♪

♪ THEY DO IT, THEY DO IT ♪ ♪ THESE MARRIED MEN ♪ OW!

♪ THESE MARRIED MEN ♪ OW! ♪ YEAH ♪

OW! ♪ YEAH ♪ ♪ OH, WHEN THE SCANDAL GETS TOO

♪ YEAH ♪ ♪ OH, WHEN THE SCANDAL GETS TOO HOT TO HANDLE ♪

♪ OH, WHEN THE SCANDAL GETS TOO HOT TO HANDLE ♪ ♪ HE'LL SAY HE JUST WANTS TO BE

HOT TO HANDLE ♪ ♪ HE'LL SAY HE JUST WANTS TO BE FRIENDS ♪

♪ HE'LL SAY HE JUST WANTS TO BE FRIENDS ♪ ♪ AND THEN HE'LL WALK OUT OF

FRIENDS ♪ ♪ AND THEN HE'LL WALK OUT OF YOUR LIFE ♪

♪ AND THEN HE'LL WALK OUT OF YOUR LIFE ♪ ♪ AND GO HOME TO HIS WIFE ♪

YOUR LIFE ♪ ♪ AND GO HOME TO HIS WIFE ♪ ♪ 'CAUSE HE'S A MARRIED MAN ♪

♪ AND GO HOME TO HIS WIFE ♪ ♪ 'CAUSE HE'S A MARRIED MAN ♪ ♪ OH, YOUR LOVE IS A SECRET ♪

♪ 'CAUSE HE'S A MARRIED MAN ♪ ♪ OH, YOUR LOVE IS A SECRET ♪ ♪ YOU'VE GOT TO SNEAK IN LONG AS

♪ OH, YOUR LOVE IS A SECRET ♪ ♪ YOU'VE GOT TO SNEAK IN LONG AS YOU CAN ♪

♪ YOU'VE GOT TO SNEAK IN LONG AS YOU CAN ♪ ♪ DON'T CRY FOR YOUR LOVER ♪

YOU CAN ♪ ♪ DON'T CRY FOR YOUR LOVER ♪ ♪ THERE'S ALWAYS ANOTHER MARRIED

♪ DON'T CRY FOR YOUR LOVER ♪ ♪ THERE'S ALWAYS ANOTHER MARRIED MAN ♪

♪ THERE'S ALWAYS ANOTHER MARRIED MAN ♪ ♪ MARRIED MEN ♪

MAN ♪ ♪ MARRIED MEN ♪ ♪ THEY DO IT, THEY DO IT ♪

♪ MARRIED MEN ♪ ♪ THEY DO IT, THEY DO IT ♪ ♪ THEY DO IT, THEY DO IT ♪

♪ THEY DO IT, THEY DO IT ♪ ♪ THEY DO IT, THEY DO IT ♪ ♪ MARRIED, MARRIED MEN ♪

♪ THEY DO IT, THEY DO IT ♪ ♪ MARRIED, MARRIED MEN ♪ ♪ MARRIED MEN ♪

♪ MARRIED, MARRIED MEN ♪ ♪ MARRIED MEN ♪ ♪ AH, THEY DO IT ♪

♪ MARRIED MEN ♪ ♪ AH, THEY DO IT ♪ ♪ THEY DO IT ♪

♪ AH, THEY DO IT ♪ ♪ THEY DO IT ♪ ♪ THEY DO IT, THEY DO IT ♪

♪ THEY DO IT ♪ ♪ THEY DO IT, THEY DO IT ♪ ♪ THESE MARRIED MEN ♪

♪ THEY DO IT, THEY DO IT ♪ ♪ THESE MARRIED MEN ♪ ♪ THE WORLD IS FULL OF THEM ♪

♪ THESE MARRIED MEN ♪ ♪ THE WORLD IS FULL OF THEM ♪ ♪ THE WORLD IS FULL OF THEM ♪

♪ THE WORLD IS FULL OF THEM ♪ ♪ THE WORLD IS FULL OF THEM ♪ ♪ MARRIED MEN ♪

♪ THE WORLD IS FULL OF THEM ♪ ♪ MARRIED MEN ♪ ♪ THE WORLD IS FULL OF THEM ♪

♪ MARRIED MEN ♪ ♪ THE WORLD IS FULL OF THEM ♪ ♪ MARRIED MEN ♪

♪ THE WORLD IS FULL OF THEM ♪ ♪ MARRIED MEN ♪ ♪ GIRLS ♪

♪ MARRIED MEN ♪ ♪ GIRLS ♪ ♪ NOW, LISTEN ♪

♪ GIRLS ♪ ♪ NOW, LISTEN ♪ ♪ THEY'RE HUNGRY ♪

♪ NOW, LISTEN ♪ ♪ THEY'RE HUNGRY ♪ ♪ DON'T TRUST THEM ♪

♪ THEY'RE HUNGRY ♪ ♪ DON'T TRUST THEM ♪ ♪ THEY'LL GET YA ♪

♪ DON'T TRUST THEM ♪ ♪ THEY'LL GET YA ♪ ♪ THEY'LL GET YA ♪

♪ THEY'LL GET YA ♪ ♪ THEY'LL GET YA ♪ ♪ MARRIED MEN ♪

♪ THEY'LL GET YA ♪ ♪ MARRIED MEN ♪ ♪ I SAID THE WORLD IS FULL OF

♪ MARRIED MEN ♪ ♪ I SAID THE WORLD IS FULL OF THEM ♪

♪ I SAID THE WORLD IS FULL OF THEM ♪ ♪ THE WORLD IS FULL OF THEM ♪

THEM ♪ ♪ THE WORLD IS FULL OF THEM ♪ ♪ THEY DO IT, THEY DO IT ♪

♪ THE WORLD IS FULL OF THEM ♪ ♪ THEY DO IT, THEY DO IT ♪ ♪ THEY DO IT, THEY DO IT ♪

♪ THEY DO IT, THEY DO IT ♪ ♪ THEY DO IT, THEY DO IT ♪ ♪ MARRIED, MARRIED MEN ♪

♪ THEY DO IT, THEY DO IT ♪ ♪ MARRIED, MARRIED MEN ♪ ♪ OH ♪

♪ MARRIED, MARRIED MEN ♪ ♪ OH ♪ ♪ THEY DO IT, THEY DO IT ♪

♪ OH ♪ ♪ THEY DO IT, THEY DO IT ♪ ♪ THEY DO IT, THEY DO IT ♪

♪ THEY DO IT, THEY DO IT ♪ ♪ THEY DO IT, THEY DO IT ♪ ♪ THEY DO IT ♪

♪ THEY DO IT, THEY DO IT ♪ ♪ THEY DO IT ♪ ♪ MARRIED, MARRIED MEN ♪

♪ THEY DO IT ♪ ♪ MARRIED, MARRIED MEN ♪ ♪ OH, THEY DO IT, THEY DO IT ♪

♪ MARRIED, MARRIED MEN ♪ ♪ OH, THEY DO IT, THEY DO IT ♪ ♪ THEY DO IT AGAIN ♪

♪ OH, THEY DO IT, THEY DO IT ♪ ♪ THEY DO IT AGAIN ♪ ♪ DON'T KNOW HOW TO DESTROY

♪ THEY DO IT AGAIN ♪ ♪ DON'T KNOW HOW TO DESTROY YOU ♪

♪ DON'T KNOW HOW TO DESTROY YOU ♪ ♪ OH, THEY DO IT ♪

YOU ♪ ♪ OH, THEY DO IT ♪ ♪ AND THEN THEY DO IT AGAIN ♪

♪ OH, THEY DO IT ♪ ♪ AND THEN THEY DO IT AGAIN ♪ ♪ MAKE YOU FEEL REAL GOOD ♪

♪ AND THEN THEY DO IT AGAIN ♪ ♪ MAKE YOU FEEL REAL GOOD ♪ ♪ BABY ♪

♪ MAKE YOU FEEL REAL GOOD ♪ ♪ BABY ♪ ♪ THEY DO IT ♪

♪ BABY ♪ ♪ THEY DO IT ♪ ♪ AND THEN THEY DO IT AGAIN ♪

♪ THEY DO IT ♪ ♪ AND THEN THEY DO IT AGAIN ♪ ♪ I CAN'T HELP BUT LOVE HIM ♪

♪ AND THEN THEY DO IT AGAIN ♪ ♪ I CAN'T HELP BUT LOVE HIM ♪ ♪ THEY DO IT ♪

♪ I CAN'T HELP BUT LOVE HIM ♪ ♪ THEY DO IT ♪ ♪ AND THEN THEY DO IT AGAIN ♪

♪ THEY DO IT ♪ ♪ AND THEN THEY DO IT AGAIN ♪ ♪ LOVE YOU AND LEAVE YOU ♪

♪ AND THEN THEY DO IT AGAIN ♪ ♪ LOVE YOU AND LEAVE YOU ♪ ♪ MARRIED MEN ♪

♪ LOVE YOU AND LEAVE YOU ♪ ♪ MARRIED MEN ♪ ♪ OH, DON'T YOU KNOW ♪

♪ MARRIED MEN ♪ ♪ OH, DON'T YOU KNOW ♪ ♪ NEVER TRUST A MARRIED MAN ♪

♪ OH, DON'T YOU KNOW ♪ ♪ NEVER TRUST A MARRIED MAN ♪ [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

Announcer: AND NOW "WEEKEND UPDATE," WITH THE "WEEKEND UPDATE" NEWS TEAM.

"WEEKEND UPDATE," WITH THE "WEEKEND UPDATE" NEWS TEAM. HERE ARE ANCHORPERSONS

"WEEKEND UPDATE" NEWS TEAM. HERE ARE ANCHORPERSONS BILL MURRAY AND JANE CURTIN.

HERE ARE ANCHORPERSONS BILL MURRAY AND JANE CURTIN. GOOD EVENING.

BILL MURRAY AND JANE CURTIN. GOOD EVENING. I'M JANE CURTIN.

GOOD EVENING. I'M JANE CURTIN. HERE NOW THE NEWS.

I'M JANE CURTIN. HERE NOW THE NEWS. OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT...

HERE NOW THE NEWS. OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT... CALIFORNIA SENATOR S.I. HAYAKAWA

OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT... CALIFORNIA SENATOR S.I. HAYAKAWA SLEPT SOUNDLY THROUGH A SENATE

CALIFORNIA SENATOR S.I. HAYAKAWA SLEPT SOUNDLY THROUGH A SENATE S.A.L.T. BRIEFING THIS WEEK.

SLEPT SOUNDLY THROUGH A SENATE S.A.L.T. BRIEFING THIS WEEK. SENATOR ALAN CRANSTON SAID, "HIS

S.A.L.T. BRIEFING THIS WEEK. SENATOR ALAN CRANSTON SAID, "HIS EYES WERE CLOSED, HIS HEAD WAS

SENATOR ALAN CRANSTON SAID, "HIS EYES WERE CLOSED, HIS HEAD WAS NODDING, AND OTHERS ALLEGE HE

EYES WERE CLOSED, HIS HEAD WAS NODDING, AND OTHERS ALLEGE HE WAS SNORING."

NODDING, AND OTHERS ALLEGE HE WAS SNORING." HAYAKAWA REPORTEDLY COMMENTED

WAS SNORING." HAYAKAWA REPORTEDLY COMMENTED LATER, "I NEED MY SLEEP.

HAYAKAWA REPORTEDLY COMMENTED LATER, "I NEED MY SLEEP. POOR PEOPLE DON'T NEED SLEEP

LATER, "I NEED MY SLEEP. POOR PEOPLE DON'T NEED SLEEP BECAUSE THEY'RE NOT WORKING, AND

POOR PEOPLE DON'T NEED SLEEP BECAUSE THEY'RE NOT WORKING, AND THEY DON'T GET TIRED."

BECAUSE THEY'RE NOT WORKING, AND THEY DON'T GET TIRED." A PENNSYLVANIA DAIRY FARMER SAYS

THEY DON'T GET TIRED." A PENNSYLVANIA DAIRY FARMER SAYS THAT 19 OF HIS COWS HAVE DIED

A PENNSYLVANIA DAIRY FARMER SAYS THAT 19 OF HIS COWS HAVE DIED FROM RADIATION POISONING SINCE

THAT 19 OF HIS COWS HAVE DIED FROM RADIATION POISONING SINCE THE THREE-MILE ISLAND NUCLEAR

FROM RADIATION POISONING SINCE THE THREE-MILE ISLAND NUCLEAR ACCIDENT LAST MONTH.

THE THREE-MILE ISLAND NUCLEAR ACCIDENT LAST MONTH. OTHER LOCAL RESIDENTS REPORT THE

ACCIDENT LAST MONTH. OTHER LOCAL RESIDENTS REPORT THE CONTINUING DEATHS OF HOUSEHOLD

OTHER LOCAL RESIDENTS REPORT THE CONTINUING DEATHS OF HOUSEHOLD PETS SUCH AS DOGS, CATS, BIRDS,

CONTINUING DEATHS OF HOUSEHOLD PETS SUCH AS DOGS, CATS, BIRDS, AND EVEN THE HARRISBURG ZOO'S

PETS SUCH AS DOGS, CATS, BIRDS, AND EVEN THE HARRISBURG ZOO'S 5-TON ELEPHANT BETSY, WHO WAS

AND EVEN THE HARRISBURG ZOO'S 5-TON ELEPHANT BETSY, WHO WAS REDUCED BY RADIATION SHRINKAGE

5-TON ELEPHANT BETSY, WHO WAS REDUCED BY RADIATION SHRINKAGE TO THE SIZE OF A LABRADOR

REDUCED BY RADIATION SHRINKAGE TO THE SIZE OF A LABRADOR RETRIEVER.

TO THE SIZE OF A LABRADOR RETRIEVER. BILL?

RETRIEVER. BILL? THIS WEEK, CONGRESS APPROVED

BILL? THIS WEEK, CONGRESS APPROVED LEGISLATION TO HAVE A SPECIAL

THIS WEEK, CONGRESS APPROVED LEGISLATION TO HAVE A SPECIAL GOLD MEDAL STRUCK IN HONOR OF

LEGISLATION TO HAVE A SPECIAL GOLD MEDAL STRUCK IN HONOR OF JOHN WAYNE.

GOLD MEDAL STRUCK IN HONOR OF JOHN WAYNE. THE AILING WAYNE SAID, "SHUCKS,

JOHN WAYNE. THE AILING WAYNE SAID, "SHUCKS, ALL I DID WAS RIDE A FEW HORSES,

THE AILING WAYNE SAID, "SHUCKS, ALL I DID WAS RIDE A FEW HORSES, KISS A FEW WOMEN, AND KILL A FEW

ALL I DID WAS RIDE A FEW HORSES, KISS A FEW WOMEN, AND KILL A FEW REDSKINS AND GOOKS."

KISS A FEW WOMEN, AND KILL A FEW REDSKINS AND GOOKS." JOHN WAYNE, AMERICAN.

REDSKINS AND GOOKS." JOHN WAYNE, AMERICAN. FORMER CANADIAN PRIME MINISTER

JOHN WAYNE, AMERICAN. FORMER CANADIAN PRIME MINISTER PIERRE ELLIOT TRUDEAU, SHOWN

FORMER CANADIAN PRIME MINISTER PIERRE ELLIOT TRUDEAU, SHOWN HERE HITCHHIKING HOME TO

PIERRE ELLIOT TRUDEAU, SHOWN HERE HITCHHIKING HOME TO MONTREAL AFTER LAST TUESDAY'S

HERE HITCHHIKING HOME TO MONTREAL AFTER LAST TUESDAY'S ELECTIONS, CONCEDED THE CONTEST

MONTREAL AFTER LAST TUESDAY'S ELECTIONS, CONCEDED THE CONTEST TO CONSERVATIVE JOE CLARK, WHO

ELECTIONS, CONCEDED THE CONTEST TO CONSERVATIVE JOE CLARK, WHO HAD BEEN REFERRED TO AS

TO CONSERVATIVE JOE CLARK, WHO HAD BEEN REFERRED TO AS "JOE WHO?"

HAD BEEN REFERRED TO AS "JOE WHO?" TRADITIONALIST CLARK, TAKING

"JOE WHO?" TRADITIONALIST CLARK, TAKING OVER THE GOVERNMENT THIS WEEK,

TRADITIONALIST CLARK, TAKING OVER THE GOVERNMENT THIS WEEK, INSISTED THAT HIS TITLE WILL

OVER THE GOVERNMENT THIS WEEK, INSISTED THAT HIS TITLE WILL OFFICIALLY BE

INSISTED THAT HIS TITLE WILL OFFICIALLY BE "PRIME MINISTER WHO?"

OFFICIALLY BE "PRIME MINISTER WHO?" AND, IN FOLLOWING THE TREND SET

"PRIME MINISTER WHO?" AND, IN FOLLOWING THE TREND SET BY HER PREDECESSOR, THE NEW

AND, IN FOLLOWING THE TREND SET BY HER PREDECESSOR, THE NEW PRIME MINISTER'S WIFE

BY HER PREDECESSOR, THE NEW PRIME MINISTER'S WIFE IMMEDIATELY FLEW TO NEW YORK TO

PRIME MINISTER'S WIFE IMMEDIATELY FLEW TO NEW YORK TO CELEBRATE AT STUDIO 54, WHERE

IMMEDIATELY FLEW TO NEW YORK TO CELEBRATE AT STUDIO 54, WHERE SHE WAS SEEN ARM IN ARM WITH

CELEBRATE AT STUDIO 54, WHERE SHE WAS SEEN ARM IN ARM WITH NONE OTHER THAN TONY ORLANDO

SHE WAS SEEN ARM IN ARM WITH NONE OTHER THAN TONY ORLANDO HIMSELF.

NONE OTHER THAN TONY ORLANDO HIMSELF. LAST YEAR, THE ROLLING STONES

HIMSELF. LAST YEAR, THE ROLLING STONES ALBUM "SOME GIRLS" WAS ATTACKED

LAST YEAR, THE ROLLING STONES ALBUM "SOME GIRLS" WAS ATTACKED BY BLACK LEADERS AS BEING

ALBUM "SOME GIRLS" WAS ATTACKED BY BLACK LEADERS AS BEING RACIST, AND IT SEEMS THAT TIME

BY BLACK LEADERS AS BEING RACIST, AND IT SEEMS THAT TIME HAS NOT DIMINISHED THE FUROR

RACIST, AND IT SEEMS THAT TIME HAS NOT DIMINISHED THE FUROR OVER IT, AS IT WAS RECENTLY THE

HAS NOT DIMINISHED THE FUROR OVER IT, AS IT WAS RECENTLY THE SUBJECT OF A SPEECH DELIVERED BY

OVER IT, AS IT WAS RECENTLY THE SUBJECT OF A SPEECH DELIVERED BY THE REVEREND JESSE JACKSON AT AN

SUBJECT OF A SPEECH DELIVERED BY THE REVEREND JESSE JACKSON AT AN EVENT CELEBRATING THE 25th

THE REVEREND JESSE JACKSON AT AN EVENT CELEBRATING THE 25th ANNIVERSARY OF THE SUPREME

EVENT CELEBRATING THE 25th ANNIVERSARY OF THE SUPREME COURT'S DESEGREGATION DECISION.

ANNIVERSARY OF THE SUPREME COURT'S DESEGREGATION DECISION. HERE TO COMMENT IS UPDATE'S

COURT'S DESEGREGATION DECISION. HERE TO COMMENT IS UPDATE'S TOKEN SOCIOLOGIST,

HERE TO COMMENT IS UPDATE'S TOKEN SOCIOLOGIST, GARRETT MORRIS.

NOW, I'D LIKE TO SPEAK ABOUT

THE SUBJECT OF A CERTAIN

MICK JAGGER OF

THE ROLLING STONES.

AND I'M GOING TO TALK ABOUT THE SONG HE SANG... A SONG IN WHICH HE SINGS THESE VERY WORDS...

SONG HE SANG... A SONG IN WHICH HE SINGS THESE VERY WORDS... "BLACK GIRLS JUST WANT TO HAVE

HE SINGS THESE VERY WORDS... "BLACK GIRLS JUST WANT TO HAVE SEX ALL NIGHT LONG."

"BLACK GIRLS JUST WANT TO HAVE SEX ALL NIGHT LONG." NOW... MR. JAGGER...

SEX ALL NIGHT LONG." NOW... MR. JAGGER... THERE IS ONLY ONE QUESTION I

NOW... MR. JAGGER... THERE IS ONLY ONE QUESTION I WANT TO ASK YOU, JAGGS.

THERE IS ONLY ONE QUESTION I WANT TO ASK YOU, JAGGS. AND YOU BETTER HAVE THE ANSWER,

WANT TO ASK YOU, JAGGS. AND YOU BETTER HAVE THE ANSWER, MAN.

AND YOU BETTER HAVE THE ANSWER, MAN. YOU BETTER HAVE THE ANSWER SINCE

MAN. YOU BETTER HAVE THE ANSWER SINCE YOU HAVE BESMIRCHED THE

YOU BETTER HAVE THE ANSWER SINCE YOU HAVE BESMIRCHED THE CHARACTER OF BLACK WOMEN.

YOU HAVE BESMIRCHED THE CHARACTER OF BLACK WOMEN. THEREFORE, HERE IS MY QUESTION,

CHARACTER OF BLACK WOMEN. THEREFORE, HERE IS MY QUESTION, JAGGS.

THEREFORE, HERE IS MY QUESTION, JAGGS. WHERE ARE ALL OF THESE BLACK

JAGGS. WHERE ARE ALL OF THESE BLACK GIRLS, MAN?

HEY, LIKE, WHERE ARE THEY, BABY? YOU GOT ANY PHONE NUMBERS FOR ME, BABY?

YOU GOT ANY PHONE NUMBERS FOR ME, BABY? PLEASE SEND THEM TO ME.

ME, BABY? PLEASE SEND THEM TO ME. THANK YOU.

PLEASE SEND THEM TO ME. THANK YOU. A FAMILIAR SIGHT TO TV VIEWERS,

THANK YOU. A FAMILIAR SIGHT TO TV VIEWERS, THE OLD NBC PEACOCK WAS

A FAMILIAR SIGHT TO TV VIEWERS, THE OLD NBC PEACOCK WAS REDESIGNED AND UNVEILED BY NBC

THE OLD NBC PEACOCK WAS REDESIGNED AND UNVEILED BY NBC THIS WEEK.

REDESIGNED AND UNVEILED BY NBC THIS WEEK. ASIDE FROM A LITTLE

THIS WEEK. ASIDE FROM A LITTLE STREAMLINING, THE MAJOR CHANGE

ASIDE FROM A LITTLE STREAMLINING, THE MAJOR CHANGE WAS IN CUTTING OFF THE PEACOCK'S

STREAMLINING, THE MAJOR CHANGE WAS IN CUTTING OFF THE PEACOCK'S LEGS.

WAS IN CUTTING OFF THE PEACOCK'S LEGS. HOWEVER, OUR INSIDE SOURCES TELL

LEGS. HOWEVER, OUR INSIDE SOURCES TELL US THAT THE LEGS WEREN'T ALL

HOWEVER, OUR INSIDE SOURCES TELL US THAT THE LEGS WEREN'T ALL THAT WAS REMOVED, SINCE THE BIRD

US THAT THE LEGS WEREN'T ALL THAT WAS REMOVED, SINCE THE BIRD IS NOW KNOWN AS THE NBC CAPON.

THAT WAS REMOVED, SINCE THE BIRD IS NOW KNOWN AS THE NBC CAPON. BILL?

IS NOW KNOWN AS THE NBC CAPON. BILL? THE MOVEMENT TO DRAFT

BILL? THE MOVEMENT TO DRAFT TED KENNEDY FOR PRESIDENT HAS

THE MOVEMENT TO DRAFT TED KENNEDY FOR PRESIDENT HAS BEGUN A FULL 18 MONTHS BEFORE

TED KENNEDY FOR PRESIDENT HAS BEGUN A FULL 18 MONTHS BEFORE THE 1980 ELECTION.

BEGUN A FULL 18 MONTHS BEFORE THE 1980 ELECTION. IMPATIENT DEMOCRATS HAVE ALREADY

THE 1980 ELECTION. IMPATIENT DEMOCRATS HAVE ALREADY STARTED UNAUTHORIZED "DRAFT

IMPATIENT DEMOCRATS HAVE ALREADY STARTED UNAUTHORIZED "DRAFT KENNEDY" MOVEMENTS IN

STARTED UNAUTHORIZED "DRAFT KENNEDY" MOVEMENTS IN NEW HAMPSHIRE, IOWA, OHIO, AND

KENNEDY" MOVEMENTS IN NEW HAMPSHIRE, IOWA, OHIO, AND MINNESOTA.

NEW HAMPSHIRE, IOWA, OHIO, AND MINNESOTA. KENNEDY HAS SAID PRIVATELY THAT

MINNESOTA. KENNEDY HAS SAID PRIVATELY THAT HE WILL NEVER RUN FOR PRESIDENT

KENNEDY HAS SAID PRIVATELY THAT HE WILL NEVER RUN FOR PRESIDENT WHILE HIS MOTHER, ROSE KENNEDY,

HE WILL NEVER RUN FOR PRESIDENT WHILE HIS MOTHER, ROSE KENNEDY, IS ALIVE.

WHILE HIS MOTHER, ROSE KENNEDY, IS ALIVE. WELL, IMPATIENT DEMOCRATS HAVE

IS ALIVE. WELL, IMPATIENT DEMOCRATS HAVE ALREADY BEGUN ARRANGEMENTS TO

WELL, IMPATIENT DEMOCRATS HAVE ALREADY BEGUN ARRANGEMENTS TO SEND THE 89-YEAR-OLD MATRIARCH

ALREADY BEGUN ARRANGEMENTS TO SEND THE 89-YEAR-OLD MATRIARCH OFF TO VISIT JIMMY HOFFA

SEND THE 89-YEAR-OLD MATRIARCH OFF TO VISIT JIMMY HOFFA SOMETIME BEFORE THE

OFF TO VISIT JIMMY HOFFA SOMETIME BEFORE THE NEW HAMPSHIRE PRIMARY.

SOMETIME BEFORE THE NEW HAMPSHIRE PRIMARY. JANE?

NEW HAMPSHIRE PRIMARY. JANE? BECAUSE OF THE SCARCITY OF

JANE? BECAUSE OF THE SCARCITY OF GASOLINE, THE NATIONAL SAFETY

BECAUSE OF THE SCARCITY OF GASOLINE, THE NATIONAL SAFETY COUNCIL PREDICTS THAT THERE WILL

GASOLINE, THE NATIONAL SAFETY COUNCIL PREDICTS THAT THERE WILL BE FEWER CARS ON THE ROAD THIS

COUNCIL PREDICTS THAT THERE WILL BE FEWER CARS ON THE ROAD THIS HOLIDAY WEEKEND.

BE FEWER CARS ON THE ROAD THIS HOLIDAY WEEKEND. HERE TO COMMENT FURTHER ON THIS

HOLIDAY WEEKEND. HERE TO COMMENT FURTHER ON THIS SITUATION IS CORRESPONDENT

HERE TO COMMENT FURTHER ON THIS SITUATION IS CORRESPONDENT ROSEANNE ROSANNADANNA.

SITUATION IS CORRESPONDENT ROSEANNE ROSANNADANNA. THANKS A LOT!

ROSEANNE ROSANNADANNA. THANKS A LOT! THANKS A LOT, JANE!

THANKS A LOT! THANKS A LOT, JANE! A MR. RICHARD FEDER FROM

THANKS A LOT, JANE! A MR. RICHARD FEDER FROM FORT LEE, NEW JERSEY, SENT ME

A MR. RICHARD FEDER FROM FORT LEE, NEW JERSEY, SENT ME THIS MEMORIAL DAY LIMERICK THAT

FORT LEE, NEW JERSEY, SENT ME THIS MEMORIAL DAY LIMERICK THAT SAYS, "DEAR

THIS MEMORIAL DAY LIMERICK THAT SAYS, "DEAR ROSEANNE ROSANNADANNA,

SAYS, "DEAR ROSEANNE ROSANNADANNA, THIS WEEKEND IS BORING FOR ME.

ROSEANNE ROSANNADANNA, THIS WEEKEND IS BORING FOR ME. I GOT TO STAY HOME IN FORT LEE.

THIS WEEKEND IS BORING FOR ME. I GOT TO STAY HOME IN FORT LEE. HAVING NO GAS, I DECLARE,

I GOT TO STAY HOME IN FORT LEE. HAVING NO GAS, I DECLARE, IS A PAIN IN THE REAR

HAVING NO GAS, I DECLARE, IS A PAIN IN THE REAR 'CAUSE YOU CAN'T SAY 'ASS' ON

IS A PAIN IN THE REAR 'CAUSE YOU CAN'T SAY 'ASS' ON TV."

'CAUSE YOU CAN'T SAY 'ASS' ON TV." WELL, MR. FEDER, I DIDN'T KNOW

TV." WELL, MR. FEDER, I DIDN'T KNOW YOU AND NIPSEY RUSSELL WERE

WELL, MR. FEDER, I DIDN'T KNOW YOU AND NIPSEY RUSSELL WERE LIVING IN NEW JERSEY.

YOU AND NIPSEY RUSSELL WERE LIVING IN NEW JERSEY. BUT I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT YOU'RE

LIVING IN NEW JERSEY. BUT I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT YOU'RE GOING THROUGH 'CAUSE THIS

BUT I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT YOU'RE GOING THROUGH 'CAUSE THIS WEEKEND, I,

GOING THROUGH 'CAUSE THIS WEEKEND, I, ROSEANNE ROSANNADANNA, WAS

WEEKEND, I, ROSEANNE ROSANNADANNA, WAS PLANNING ON DRIVING OUT TO THE

ROSEANNE ROSANNADANNA, WAS PLANNING ON DRIVING OUT TO THE BEACH.

PLANNING ON DRIVING OUT TO THE BEACH. BUT NOW I HAVE TO STAY HOME IN

BEACH. BUT NOW I HAVE TO STAY HOME IN MY APARTMENT AND SWEAT LIKE A

BUT NOW I HAVE TO STAY HOME IN MY APARTMENT AND SWEAT LIKE A DOG.

MY APARTMENT AND SWEAT LIKE A DOG. AND YOU KNOW SOMETHING?

DOG. AND YOU KNOW SOMETHING? I LOVE GOING TO THE BEACH ON

AND YOU KNOW SOMETHING? I LOVE GOING TO THE BEACH ON MEMORIAL DAY 'CAUSE YOU GET TO

I LOVE GOING TO THE BEACH ON MEMORIAL DAY 'CAUSE YOU GET TO SEE A LOT OF PINK AND WHITE AND

MEMORIAL DAY 'CAUSE YOU GET TO SEE A LOT OF PINK AND WHITE AND REAL PALE PEOPLE WITH STUFF ON

SEE A LOT OF PINK AND WHITE AND REAL PALE PEOPLE WITH STUFF ON THEM THAT'S BEEN GROWING UNDER

REAL PALE PEOPLE WITH STUFF ON THEM THAT'S BEEN GROWING UNDER THEIR CLOTHES ALL WINTER.

THEM THAT'S BEEN GROWING UNDER THEIR CLOTHES ALL WINTER. LIKE, THEY GOT LITTLE PIMPLES

THEIR CLOTHES ALL WINTER. LIKE, THEY GOT LITTLE PIMPLES AND BUMPS AND RASHES AND CLUMPS

LIKE, THEY GOT LITTLE PIMPLES AND BUMPS AND RASHES AND CLUMPS OF TINY HAIRS ON THEIR BACKS AND

AND BUMPS AND RASHES AND CLUMPS OF TINY HAIRS ON THEIR BACKS AND LEGS, AND YOU DON'T WHAT THEY

OF TINY HAIRS ON THEIR BACKS AND LEGS, AND YOU DON'T WHAT THEY ARE.

LEGS, AND YOU DON'T WHAT THEY ARE. BUT I REMEMBER LAST

ARE. BUT I REMEMBER LAST MEMORIAL DAY, I WENT OUT TO

BUT I REMEMBER LAST MEMORIAL DAY, I WENT OUT TO JONES BEACH, AND I WAS HAVING A

MEMORIAL DAY, I WENT OUT TO JONES BEACH, AND I WAS HAVING A GREAT TIME SWIMMING AND LYING ON

JONES BEACH, AND I WAS HAVING A GREAT TIME SWIMMING AND LYING ON MY TOWEL AND SOAKING UP THE

GREAT TIME SWIMMING AND LYING ON MY TOWEL AND SOAKING UP THE SUNSHINE AND LOOKING LIKE A

MY TOWEL AND SOAKING UP THE SUNSHINE AND LOOKING LIKE A LITTLE DOLL WHEN WHO... WHO DO I

SUNSHINE AND LOOKING LIKE A LITTLE DOLL WHEN WHO... WHO DO I SEE ON THE BEACH BUT

LITTLE DOLL WHEN WHO... WHO DO I SEE ON THE BEACH BUT MISS WEEKEND UPDATE HERSELF,

SEE ON THE BEACH BUT MISS WEEKEND UPDATE HERSELF, JANE CURTIN!

MISS WEEKEND UPDATE HERSELF, JANE CURTIN! THAT'S RIGHT! LITTLE JANE!

JANE CURTIN! THAT'S RIGHT! LITTLE JANE! AND SHE LOOKED SO CUTE IN HER

THAT'S RIGHT! LITTLE JANE! AND SHE LOOKED SO CUTE IN HER BLACK BATHING SUIT WITH HER

AND SHE LOOKED SO CUTE IN HER BLACK BATHING SUIT WITH HER BUBBLY, CHUBBY LITTLE THIGHS.

BLACK BATHING SUIT WITH HER BUBBLY, CHUBBY LITTLE THIGHS. AND THOSE LITTLE THIGHS STILL

BUBBLY, CHUBBY LITTLE THIGHS. AND THOSE LITTLE THIGHS STILL HAD THE LITTLE UNDERWEAR MARKS

AND THOSE LITTLE THIGHS STILL HAD THE LITTLE UNDERWEAR MARKS FROM WHEN SHE CHANGED IN THE CAR

HAD THE LITTLE UNDERWEAR MARKS FROM WHEN SHE CHANGED IN THE CAR AND EVERYTHING.

FROM WHEN SHE CHANGED IN THE CAR AND EVERYTHING. SO I YELLED, "HEY, JANE!

AND EVERYTHING. SO I YELLED, "HEY, JANE! WHAT ARE YOU DOING AT

SO I YELLED, "HEY, JANE! WHAT ARE YOU DOING AT JONES BEACH?!"

WHAT ARE YOU DOING AT JONES BEACH?!" BUT JANE WASN'T LISTENING TO ME.

JONES BEACH?!" BUT JANE WASN'T LISTENING TO ME. AND YOU KNOW WHY?

BUT JANE WASN'T LISTENING TO ME. AND YOU KNOW WHY? 'CAUSE SHE MUST OF HAD THIS BIG

AND YOU KNOW WHY? 'CAUSE SHE MUST OF HAD THIS BIG LUMP OF WET SAND IN THE BOTTOM

'CAUSE SHE MUST OF HAD THIS BIG LUMP OF WET SAND IN THE BOTTOM OF HER BATHING SUIT THAT WAS

LUMP OF WET SAND IN THE BOTTOM OF HER BATHING SUIT THAT WAS LIKE A BULGE THAT ITCHES.

OF HER BATHING SUIT THAT WAS LIKE A BULGE THAT ITCHES. 'CAUSE JANE... JANE KEPT

LIKE A BULGE THAT ITCHES. 'CAUSE JANE... JANE KEPT STICKING HER HAND IN HER PANTS,

'CAUSE JANE... JANE KEPT STICKING HER HAND IN HER PANTS, TRYING TO GET THE SAND OUT AND

STICKING HER HAND IN HER PANTS, TRYING TO GET THE SAND OUT AND THEN FLICKING IT AWAY!

TRYING TO GET THE SAND OUT AND THEN FLICKING IT AWAY! AND SHE WAS... SHE WAS THERE ON

THEN FLICKING IT AWAY! AND SHE WAS... SHE WAS THERE ON THE BEACH, AND SHE WAS JUMPING

AND SHE WAS... SHE WAS THERE ON THE BEACH, AND SHE WAS JUMPING UP AND DOWN AND AROUND AND

THE BEACH, AND SHE WAS JUMPING UP AND DOWN AND AROUND AND FLICKING SAND OUT OF HER BATHING

UP AND DOWN AND AROUND AND FLICKING SAND OUT OF HER BATHING SUIT.

FLICKING SAND OUT OF HER BATHING SUIT. AND NO MATTER WHAT JANE DID...

SUIT. AND NO MATTER WHAT JANE DID... WHEN SHE WAS WALKING, WHEN SHE

AND NO MATTER WHAT JANE DID... WHEN SHE WAS WALKING, WHEN SHE WAS BUYING ICE CREAM OR PLAYING

WHEN SHE WAS WALKING, WHEN SHE WAS BUYING ICE CREAM OR PLAYING FRISBEE OR ANYTHING... SHE JUST

WAS BUYING ICE CREAM OR PLAYING FRISBEE OR ANYTHING... SHE JUST KEPT FLICKING AT HER

FRISBEE OR ANYTHING... SHE JUST KEPT FLICKING AT HER BATHING-SUIT BOTTOM.

KEPT FLICKING AT HER BATHING-SUIT BOTTOM. SHE JUST WOULDN'T TAKE HER HANDS

BATHING-SUIT BOTTOM. SHE JUST WOULDN'T TAKE HER HANDS OUT OF HER PANTS!

SHE JUST WOULDN'T TAKE HER HANDS OUT OF HER PANTS! I THOUGHT SHE HAD A FISH IN

OUT OF HER PANTS! I THOUGHT SHE HAD A FISH IN THERE OR SOMETHING.

I THOUGHT SHE HAD A FISH IN THERE OR SOMETHING. SO, ANYWAYS, I YELLED, "HEY,

THERE OR SOMETHING. SO, ANYWAYS, I YELLED, "HEY, JANE, QUIT FLICKING AT YOURSELF!

SO, ANYWAYS, I YELLED, "HEY, JANE, QUIT FLICKING AT YOURSELF! WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO DO, MAKE

JANE, QUIT FLICKING AT YOURSELF! WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO DO, MAKE ME SICK?!"

WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO DO, MAKE ME SICK?!" WELL, I COULDN'T BELIEVE THE WAY

ME SICK?!" WELL, I COULDN'T BELIEVE THE WAY SHE...

WELL, I COULDN'T BELIEVE THE WAY SHE... ROSEANNE, SHUT UP!

SHE... ROSEANNE, SHUT UP! WELL, WHAT'S WITH YOU,

ROSEANNE, SHUT UP! WELL, WHAT'S WITH YOU, MISS JANE?

WELL, WHAT'S WITH YOU, MISS JANE? ROSEANNE, PE... ALL SORTS OF

MISS JANE? ROSEANNE, PE... ALL SORTS OF PEOPLE HAVE LITTLE ODD THINGS

ROSEANNE, PE... ALL SORTS OF PEOPLE HAVE LITTLE ODD THINGS THAT HAPPEN TO THEM.

PEOPLE HAVE LITTLE ODD THINGS THAT HAPPEN TO THEM. WHY DO YOU INSIST ON COMING ON

THAT HAPPEN TO THEM. WHY DO YOU INSIST ON COMING ON AND STRAYING FROM THE SUBJECT TO

WHY DO YOU INSIST ON COMING ON AND STRAYING FROM THE SUBJECT TO TALK ABOUT SOME DISGUSTING

AND STRAYING FROM THE SUBJECT TO TALK ABOUT SOME DISGUSTING INNUENDOES?

TALK ABOUT SOME DISGUSTING INNUENDOES? THIS MAN ASKED YOU ABOUT THE GAS

INNUENDOES? THIS MAN ASKED YOU ABOUT THE GAS SHORTAGE.

THIS MAN ASKED YOU ABOUT THE GAS SHORTAGE. WELL, JANE, IT JUST GOES TO

SHORTAGE. WELL, JANE, IT JUST GOES TO SHOW YOU.

WELL, JANE, IT JUST GOES TO SHOW YOU. IT'S ALWAYS SOMETHING.

SHOW YOU. IT'S ALWAYS SOMETHING. IF IT'S NOT ONE THING, IT'S

IT'S ALWAYS SOMETHING. IF IT'S NOT ONE THING, IT'S ANOTHER.

IF IT'S NOT ONE THING, IT'S ANOTHER. EITHER YOU DON'T HAVE GAS, OR

ANOTHER. EITHER YOU DON'T HAVE GAS, OR YOU GOT A LUMP OF WET SAND IN

EITHER YOU DON'T HAVE GAS, OR YOU GOT A LUMP OF WET SAND IN THE BOTTOM OF YOUR BATHING SUIT.

YOU GOT A LUMP OF WET SAND IN THE BOTTOM OF YOUR BATHING SUIT. YOU KNOW, IT'S JUST LIKE THE

THE BOTTOM OF YOUR BATHING SUIT. YOU KNOW, IT'S JUST LIKE THE LITTLE SONG THAT MY FATHER USED

YOU KNOW, IT'S JUST LIKE THE LITTLE SONG THAT MY FATHER USED TO SING TO ME BEFORE I WENT TO

LITTLE SONG THAT MY FATHER USED TO SING TO ME BEFORE I WENT TO BED AT NIGHT.

TO SING TO ME BEFORE I WENT TO BED AT NIGHT. IT'S A SONG ABOUT YOU, JANE.

BED AT NIGHT. IT'S A SONG ABOUT YOU, JANE. AND IT WAS RECORDED IN 1956 BY

IT'S A SONG ABOUT YOU, JANE. AND IT WAS RECORDED IN 1956 BY THE ROSANNADANNA BROTHERS.

AND IT WAS RECORDED IN 1956 BY THE ROSANNADANNA BROTHERS. AND IT GOES LIKE THIS...

THE ROSANNADANNA BROTHERS. AND IT GOES LIKE THIS... ♪ WHEN I NEED YOU ♪

AND IT GOES LIKE THIS... ♪ WHEN I NEED YOU ♪ ♪ TO BE MY FRIEND ♪

♪ WHEN I NEED YOU ♪ ♪ TO BE MY FRIEND ♪ ♪ WHEN I NEED FAVORS ♪

♪ TO BE MY FRIEND ♪ ♪ WHEN I NEED FAVORS ♪ ♪ I CAN DEPEND ♪

♪ WHEN I NEED FAVORS ♪ ♪ I CAN DEPEND ♪ ♪ WHENEVER I WANT YOU ♪

♪ I CAN DEPEND ♪ ♪ WHENEVER I WANT YOU ♪ ♪ ALL I GOT TO YELL IS

♪ WHENEVER I WANT YOU ♪ ♪ ALL I GOT TO YELL IS "JA-A-A-A-NE!" ♪

♪ ALL I GOT TO YELL IS "JA-A-A-A-NE!" ♪ ♪ I SURE THINK YOU'RE FINE ♪

"JA-A-A-A-NE!" ♪ ♪ I SURE THINK YOU'RE FINE ♪ ♪ I SAY IT ALL THE TIME ♪

♪ I SURE THINK YOU'RE FINE ♪ ♪ I SAY IT ALL THE TIME ♪ ♪ I THINK THAT YOU'RE A REAL

♪ I SAY IT ALL THE TIME ♪ ♪ I THINK THAT YOU'RE A REAL PEACH ♪

♪ I THINK THAT YOU'RE A REAL PEACH ♪ ♪ THE ONLY TROUBLE IS ♪

PEACH ♪ ♪ THE ONLY TROUBLE IS ♪ ♪ GEE WHIZ! ♪

♪ THE ONLY TROUBLE IS ♪ ♪ GEE WHIZ! ♪ ♪ YOU MAKE ME SICK ON THE

♪ GEE WHIZ! ♪ ♪ YOU MAKE ME SICK ON THE BEACH ♪

♪ YOU MAKE ME SICK ON THE BEACH ♪ ♪ I NEED YOU SO, I WANT TO DIE ♪

BEACH ♪ ♪ I NEED YOU SO, I WANT TO DIE ♪ ♪ YOU GOT SOME STUFF THERE IN

♪ I NEED YOU SO, I WANT TO DIE ♪ ♪ YOU GOT SOME STUFF THERE IN YOUR EYE ♪

♪ YOU GOT SOME STUFF THERE IN YOUR EYE ♪ ♪ DO YOU WANT A KLEENEX? ♪

YOUR EYE ♪ ♪ DO YOU WANT A KLEENEX? ♪ ♪ HERE, YOU CAN USE THIS

♪ DO YOU WANT A KLEENEX? ♪ ♪ HERE, YOU CAN USE THIS KLEENEX, JA-A-A-A-NE ♪

♪ HERE, YOU CAN USE THIS KLEENEX, JA-A-A-A-NE ♪ GOOD NIGHT, MY LITTLE

KLEENEX, JA-A-A-A-NE ♪ GOOD NIGHT, MY LITTLE ROSEANNE ROSANNADANNA.

GOOD NIGHT, MY LITTLE ROSEANNE ROSANNADANNA. THAT'S THE NEWS.

ROSEANNE ROSANNADANNA. THAT'S THE NEWS. GOOD NIGHT AND HAVE A PLEASANT

THAT'S THE NEWS. GOOD NIGHT AND HAVE A PLEASANT TOMORROW.

GOOD NIGHT AND HAVE A PLEASANT TOMORROW. GOOD NIGHT!

[DOORBELL RINGS] OH, ROY! COME ON IN.

OH, ROY! COME ON IN. IT'S GOOD TO SEE YOU.

COME ON IN. IT'S GOOD TO SEE YOU. OH, THE GIRLS ARE SO EXCITED

IT'S GOOD TO SEE YOU. OH, THE GIRLS ARE SO EXCITED THAT YOU'RE BABYSITTING FOR THEM

OH, THE GIRLS ARE SO EXCITED THAT YOU'RE BABYSITTING FOR THEM TONIGHT.

THAT YOU'RE BABYSITTING FOR THEM TONIGHT. HI, BETTY.

TONIGHT. HI, BETTY. I-I HOPE I'M NOT TOO EARLY.

HI, BETTY. I-I HOPE I'M NOT TOO EARLY. OH, NO.

I-I HOPE I'M NOT TOO EARLY. OH, NO. WE WERE JUST GETTING READY TO

OH, NO. WE WERE JUST GETTING READY TO GET GOING.

WE WERE JUST GETTING READY TO GET GOING. HI! UNCLE ROY!

GET GOING. HI! UNCLE ROY! HI! HI!

HI! UNCLE ROY! HI! HI! HELLO!

HI! HI! HELLO! HELLO, MY LITTLE DARLINGS!

HELLO! HELLO, MY LITTLE DARLINGS! HELLO, MY LITTLE DARLINGS!

HELLO, MY LITTLE DARLINGS! HELLO, MY LITTLE DARLINGS! HELLO, MY LITTLE DARLINGS!

HELLO, MY LITTLE DARLINGS! HELLO, MY LITTLE DARLINGS! YAY! YEAH!

HELLO, MY LITTLE DARLINGS! YAY! YEAH! WELL, THEY'RE PRETTY EXCITED

YAY! YEAH! WELL, THEY'RE PRETTY EXCITED TO SEE YOU, NO DOUBT ABOUT IT.

WELL, THEY'RE PRETTY EXCITED TO SEE YOU, NO DOUBT ABOUT IT. ROY, YOU ARE THEIR FAVORITE

TO SEE YOU, NO DOUBT ABOUT IT. ROY, YOU ARE THEIR FAVORITE BABYSITTER.

ROY, YOU ARE THEIR FAVORITE BABYSITTER. OH, UNCLE ROY, CAN WE PLAY

BABYSITTER. OH, UNCLE ROY, CAN WE PLAY SLIDE DOWN THE BANISTER WITH

OH, UNCLE ROY, CAN WE PLAY SLIDE DOWN THE BANISTER WITH MARY POPPINS, AND YOU PUSH US

SLIDE DOWN THE BANISTER WITH MARY POPPINS, AND YOU PUSH US WITH YOUR UMBRELLA?

MARY POPPINS, AND YOU PUSH US WITH YOUR UMBRELLA? OH, NOW, STOP BEING SILLY,

WITH YOUR UMBRELLA? OH, NOW, STOP BEING SILLY, TRACY!

OH, NOW, STOP BEING SILLY, TRACY! I DON'T KNOW WHERE THEY GET

TRACY! I DON'T KNOW WHERE THEY GET THESE IDEAS FROM.

I DON'T KNOW WHERE THEY GET THESE IDEAS FROM. NOW, GIRLS, WHY DON'T YOU GO

THESE IDEAS FROM. NOW, GIRLS, WHY DON'T YOU GO UPSTAIRS AND GET INTO YOUR

NOW, GIRLS, WHY DON'T YOU GO UPSTAIRS AND GET INTO YOUR LITTLE BEDS, AND UNCLE ROY WILL

UPSTAIRS AND GET INTO YOUR LITTLE BEDS, AND UNCLE ROY WILL BE UP SOON TO TUCK YOU IN AND

LITTLE BEDS, AND UNCLE ROY WILL BE UP SOON TO TUCK YOU IN AND TELL YOU A BEDTIME STORY.

BE UP SOON TO TUCK YOU IN AND TELL YOU A BEDTIME STORY. OH, WILL YOU TELL US THE

TELL YOU A BEDTIME STORY. OH, WILL YOU TELL US THE STORY ABOUT EDDIE THE EEL AND

OH, WILL YOU TELL US THE STORY ABOUT EDDIE THE EEL AND DEBBIE THE DOUGHNUT?

STORY ABOUT EDDIE THE EEL AND DEBBIE THE DOUGHNUT? UH...

DEBBIE THE DOUGHNUT? UH... I, UH... NOT IF YOU SAY ANOTHER

UH... I, UH... NOT IF YOU SAY ANOTHER WORD, I WON'T, NO.

I, UH... NOT IF YOU SAY ANOTHER WORD, I WON'T, NO. I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOUR SECRET

WORD, I WON'T, NO. I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOUR SECRET IS.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOUR SECRET IS. I GUESS I JUST LOVE CHILDREN.

IS. I GUESS I JUST LOVE CHILDREN. HI, THERE, ROY.

I GUESS I JUST LOVE CHILDREN. HI, THERE, ROY. HOW'S THE PHARMACY BUSINESS

HI, THERE, ROY. HOW'S THE PHARMACY BUSINESS TREATING YOU?

HOW'S THE PHARMACY BUSINESS TREATING YOU? OH, I CAN'T COMPLAIN.

TREATING YOU? OH, I CAN'T COMPLAIN. I HOPE YOU'RE NOT GONNA GIVE

OH, I CAN'T COMPLAIN. I HOPE YOU'RE NOT GONNA GIVE ME ANY ARGUMENT OVER GETTING

I HOPE YOU'RE NOT GONNA GIVE ME ANY ARGUMENT OVER GETTING PAID TONIGHT, NOW.

ME ANY ARGUMENT OVER GETTING PAID TONIGHT, NOW. NO, NO!

PAID TONIGHT, NOW. NO, NO! I WOULDN'T DREAM OF TAKING MONEY

NO, NO! I WOULDN'T DREAM OF TAKING MONEY FOR IT.

I WOULDN'T DREAM OF TAKING MONEY FOR IT. I DON'T UNDERSTAND YOU, ROY.

FOR IT. I DON'T UNDERSTAND YOU, ROY. IF I WERE STILL A BACHELOR,

I DON'T UNDERSTAND YOU, ROY. IF I WERE STILL A BACHELOR, YOU'D NEVER CATCH ME LOOKING OUT

IF I WERE STILL A BACHELOR, YOU'D NEVER CATCH ME LOOKING OUT FOR A PAIR OF BRATS FOR FREE.

YOU'D NEVER CATCH ME LOOKING OUT FOR A PAIR OF BRATS FOR FREE. OH, YOU'RE TOO GOOD, ROY.

FOR A PAIR OF BRATS FOR FREE. OH, YOU'RE TOO GOOD, ROY. REALLY, IT'S MY PLEASURE.

OH, YOU'RE TOO GOOD, ROY. REALLY, IT'S MY PLEASURE. SO, ANYWAY, WHAT MOVIE ARE YOU

REALLY, IT'S MY PLEASURE. SO, ANYWAY, WHAT MOVIE ARE YOU TWO OFF TO TONIGHT?

SO, ANYWAY, WHAT MOVIE ARE YOU TWO OFF TO TONIGHT? "HAIR."

TWO OFF TO TONIGHT? "HAIR." YEP. FOR THE SECOND TIME.

"HAIR." YEP. FOR THE SECOND TIME. YOU KNOW, ROY, IT REALLY WAS

YEP. FOR THE SECOND TIME. YOU KNOW, ROY, IT REALLY WAS AN IMMORAL WAR.

YOU KNOW, ROY, IT REALLY WAS AN IMMORAL WAR. AH.

AN IMMORAL WAR. AH. I'LL GO WARM UP THE WAGON.

AH. I'LL GO WARM UP THE WAGON. NOW, THERE'S FRESH

I'LL GO WARM UP THE WAGON. NOW, THERE'S FRESH MR. COFFEE, AND THERE'S SARA LEE

NOW, THERE'S FRESH MR. COFFEE, AND THERE'S SARA LEE IN THE FRIDGE.

MR. COFFEE, AND THERE'S SARA LEE IN THE FRIDGE. WE SHOULD BE BACK ABOUT 11:00,

IN THE FRIDGE. WE SHOULD BE BACK ABOUT 11:00, OKAY?

WE SHOULD BE BACK ABOUT 11:00, OKAY? OKAY.

OKAY? OKAY. AND DON'T LET THOSE LITTLE

OKAY. AND DON'T LET THOSE LITTLE MONSTERS TAKE ADVANTAGE OF YOU.

AND DON'T LET THOSE LITTLE MONSTERS TAKE ADVANTAGE OF YOU. OH, REALLY, IT'S MY PLEASURE.

MONSTERS TAKE ADVANTAGE OF YOU. OH, REALLY, IT'S MY PLEASURE. HAVE FUN YOURSELVES.

OH, REALLY, IT'S MY PLEASURE. HAVE FUN YOURSELVES. OKAY!

YOU THINK UNCLE ROY WILL LET US PLAY INVISIBLE LEG DOCTOR? OH, MAYBE.

US PLAY INVISIBLE LEG DOCTOR? OH, MAYBE. REMEMBER WHEN UNCLE ROY PLAYED

OH, MAYBE. REMEMBER WHEN UNCLE ROY PLAYED PIRATE, AND HE WAS THE ISLAND,

REMEMBER WHEN UNCLE ROY PLAYED PIRATE, AND HE WAS THE ISLAND, AND WE HAD TO SEARCH HIM FOR THE

PIRATE, AND HE WAS THE ISLAND, AND WE HAD TO SEARCH HIM FOR THE BURIED TREASURE?

AND WE HAD TO SEARCH HIM FOR THE BURIED TREASURE? YEAH.

BURIED TREASURE? YEAH. THAT WAS FUN, WASN'T IT?

YEAH. THAT WAS FUN, WASN'T IT? AND THEN WE FOUND CANDIES ALL

THAT WAS FUN, WASN'T IT? AND THEN WE FOUND CANDIES ALL OVER HIM.

AND THEN WE FOUND CANDIES ALL OVER HIM. THAT WAS FUN!

OVER HIM. THAT WAS FUN! THAT WAS FUN, TOO!

THAT WAS FUN! THAT WAS FUN, TOO! OH, BOY!

THAT WAS FUN, TOO! OH, BOY! YO HO HO, AND A BOTTLE OF

OH, BOY! YO HO HO, AND A BOTTLE OF RUM!

YO HO HO, AND A BOTTLE OF RUM! OH, I'M LONG JOHN SILVER!

RUM! OH, I'M LONG JOHN SILVER! I'M GONNA SEARCH HIM FOR THE

OH, I'M LONG JOHN SILVER! I'M GONNA SEARCH HIM FOR THE BURIED TREASURE!

I'M GONNA SEARCH HIM FOR THE BURIED TREASURE! SEARCH ME! SEARCH ME!

BURIED TREASURE! SEARCH ME! SEARCH ME! SEARCH ME!

SEARCH ME! SEARCH ME! SEARCH ME! LOOK EVERYWHERE!

SEARCH ME! LOOK EVERYWHERE! KEEP LOOKING!

LOOK EVERYWHERE! KEEP LOOKING! ALMOND JOY!

KEEP LOOKING! ALMOND JOY! KEEP LOOKING, ME HARDIES.

ALMOND JOY! KEEP LOOKING, ME HARDIES. YOU HAVEN'T FOUND THE MOUNDS

KEEP LOOKING, ME HARDIES. YOU HAVEN'T FOUND THE MOUNDS YET.

YOU HAVEN'T FOUND THE MOUNDS YET. HERE IT IS! HERE IT IS!

YET. HERE IT IS! HERE IT IS! I GOT IT! I GOT IT!

HERE IT IS! HERE IT IS! I GOT IT! I GOT IT! OKAY, OKAY!

I GOT IT! I GOT IT! OKAY, OKAY! NOW, WHO WANTS TO PLAY

OKAY, OKAY! NOW, WHO WANTS TO PLAY "SIMON SAYS"?

NOW, WHO WANTS TO PLAY "SIMON SAYS"? ME! ME! ME! ME!

"SIMON SAYS"? ME! ME! ME! ME! OKAY.

ME! ME! ME! ME! OKAY. NOW, SIMON SAYS, "TOUCH YOUR

OKAY. NOW, SIMON SAYS, "TOUCH YOUR NOSE."

NOW, SIMON SAYS, "TOUCH YOUR NOSE." SIMON SAYS, "TOUCH YOUR TOES."

NOSE." SIMON SAYS, "TOUCH YOUR TOES." SIMON SAYS, "TOUCH THE HEM OF

SIMON SAYS, "TOUCH YOUR TOES." SIMON SAYS, "TOUCH THE HEM OF YOUR NIGHTIES."

SIMON SAYS, "TOUCH THE HEM OF YOUR NIGHTIES." SIMON SAYS, "GRAB ONTO THE HEM,

YOUR NIGHTIES." SIMON SAYS, "GRAB ONTO THE HEM, AND RAISE YOUR ARMS!"

SIMON SAYS, "GRAB ONTO THE HEM, AND RAISE YOUR ARMS!" HIGHER! HIGHER!

AND RAISE YOUR ARMS!" HIGHER! HIGHER! YOU FORGOT TO SAY, "SIMON

HIGHER! HIGHER! YOU FORGOT TO SAY, "SIMON SAYS."

YOU FORGOT TO SAY, "SIMON SAYS." OH, SIMON SAYS, "HIGHER!

SAYS." OH, SIMON SAYS, "HIGHER! HIGHER!"

OH, SIMON SAYS, "HIGHER! HIGHER!" HEY, HEY, UNCLE ROY, WE CAN'T

HIGHER!" HEY, HEY, UNCLE ROY, WE CAN'T EAT OUR CANDY BARS WITH OUR

HEY, HEY, UNCLE ROY, WE CAN'T EAT OUR CANDY BARS WITH OUR NIGHTIES OVER OUR HEADS.

EAT OUR CANDY BARS WITH OUR NIGHTIES OVER OUR HEADS. OKAY, OKAY.

NIGHTIES OVER OUR HEADS. OKAY, OKAY. SIMON SAYS, "PUT YOUR NIGHTIES

OKAY, OKAY. SIMON SAYS, "PUT YOUR NIGHTIES SLOWLY DOWN."

SIMON SAYS, "PUT YOUR NIGHTIES SLOWLY DOWN." OH, WE PLAYED LAUNDRY

SLOWLY DOWN." OH, WE PLAYED LAUNDRY INSPECTOR LAST TIME.

OH, WE PLAYED LAUNDRY INSPECTOR LAST TIME. CAN'T WE PLAY A NEW GAME?

INSPECTOR LAST TIME. CAN'T WE PLAY A NEW GAME? OH. OH, YES, YES.

CAN'T WE PLAY A NEW GAME? OH. OH, YES, YES. I'M SORRY.

OH. OH, YES, YES. I'M SORRY. HEY, LOOK AT ME!

I'M SORRY. HEY, LOOK AT ME! I'M A RUBBER LADY IN THE CIRCUS!

HEY, LOOK AT ME! I'M A RUBBER LADY IN THE CIRCUS! LOOK!

I'M A RUBBER LADY IN THE CIRCUS! LOOK! OH, I'M LOOKING.

LOOK! OH, I'M LOOKING. GRRR!

OH, I'M LOOKING. GRRR! UNCLE ROY, I'M A LION.

GRRR! UNCLE ROY, I'M A LION. I'M A TIGER.

UNCLE ROY, I'M A LION. I'M A TIGER. AND I'M THE LION TAMER.

I'M A TIGER. AND I'M THE LION TAMER. I SURE HOPE THESE FEROCIOUS

AND I'M THE LION TAMER. I SURE HOPE THESE FEROCIOUS JUNGLE CATS DON'T TURN ON ME

I SURE HOPE THESE FEROCIOUS JUNGLE CATS DON'T TURN ON ME RIGHT THIS SECOND AND JUMP ON

JUNGLE CATS DON'T TURN ON ME RIGHT THIS SECOND AND JUMP ON TOP OF ME.

RIGHT THIS SECOND AND JUMP ON TOP OF ME. WHOA!

TOP OF ME. WHOA! [INDISTINCT SHOUTING]

WHOA! [INDISTINCT SHOUTING] OH! OH, THE PAIN!

[INDISTINCT SHOUTING] OH! OH, THE PAIN! OH, IT HURTS!

OH! OH, THE PAIN! OH, IT HURTS! OHH!

OH, IT HURTS! OHH! BE MY GUEST, MY DARLINGS.

OHH! BE MY GUEST, MY DARLINGS. UNCLE ROY, YOU PROMISED TO

BE MY GUEST, MY DARLINGS. UNCLE ROY, YOU PROMISED TO TELL US A STORY.

UNCLE ROY, YOU PROMISED TO TELL US A STORY. ALL RIGHT.

TELL US A STORY. ALL RIGHT. NOW, NO STORY UNTIL YOU'RE

ALL RIGHT. NOW, NO STORY UNTIL YOU'RE TUCKED IN, SO CLIMB INTO BED SO

NOW, NO STORY UNTIL YOU'RE TUCKED IN, SO CLIMB INTO BED SO UNCLE ROY CAN START TUCKING.

TUCKED IN, SO CLIMB INTO BED SO UNCLE ROY CAN START TUCKING. OH, TUCK ME IN FIRST,

UNCLE ROY CAN START TUCKING. OH, TUCK ME IN FIRST, UNCLE ROY.

OH, TUCK ME IN FIRST, UNCLE ROY. OKAY.

UNCLE ROY. OKAY. NOW, JUST SETTLE DOWN FOR THE

OKAY. NOW, JUST SETTLE DOWN FOR THE NIGHT.

NOW, JUST SETTLE DOWN FOR THE NIGHT. AH, LITTLE GIRL.

NIGHT. AH, LITTLE GIRL. IT'S TIME FOR YOU BOTH TO GET

AH, LITTLE GIRL. IT'S TIME FOR YOU BOTH TO GET TUCKED IN.

IT'S TIME FOR YOU BOTH TO GET TUCKED IN. [Laughing] THAT TICKLES!

TUCKED IN. [Laughing] THAT TICKLES! COME ON, WE WANT OUR STORY.

[Laughing] THAT TICKLES! COME ON, WE WANT OUR STORY. YEAH.

COME ON, WE WANT OUR STORY. YEAH. OKAY.

YEAH. OKAY. NOW, DID I EVER TELL YOU THE

OKAY. NOW, DID I EVER TELL YOU THE STORY OF THE WICKED TICKLE

NOW, DID I EVER TELL YOU THE STORY OF THE WICKED TICKLE MANIAC?

STORY OF THE WICKED TICKLE MANIAC? NO!

MANIAC? NO! NO, TELL US.

NO! NO, TELL US. ONCE UPON A TIME, IN THE KINGDOM

NO, TELL US. ONCE UPON A TIME, IN THE KINGDOM OF ICKLE PICKLE, THERE LIVED A

ONCE UPON A TIME, IN THE KINGDOM OF ICKLE PICKLE, THERE LIVED A WICKED TICKLE MANIAC WHO TICKLED

OF ICKLE PICKLE, THERE LIVED A WICKED TICKLE MANIAC WHO TICKLED SO MANY LITTLE GIRLS THAT THE

WICKED TICKLE MANIAC WHO TICKLED SO MANY LITTLE GIRLS THAT THE JUDGE SENTENCED HIM TO TICKLE

SO MANY LITTLE GIRLS THAT THE JUDGE SENTENCED HIM TO TICKLE JAIL.

JUDGE SENTENCED HIM TO TICKLE JAIL. BUT HE ESCAPED AND WENT INTO A

JAIL. BUT HE ESCAPED AND WENT INTO A RAMPAGE THROUGHOUT THE KINGDOM,

BUT HE ESCAPED AND WENT INTO A RAMPAGE THROUGHOUT THE KINGDOM, AND THERE WAS ONLY ONE THING

RAMPAGE THROUGHOUT THE KINGDOM, AND THERE WAS ONLY ONE THING LITTLE GIRLS LIKE YOU COULD DO

AND THERE WAS ONLY ONE THING LITTLE GIRLS LIKE YOU COULD DO TO STOP HIM.

LITTLE GIRLS LIKE YOU COULD DO TO STOP HIM. WHAT'S THAT, UNCLE ROY?

TO STOP HIM. WHAT'S THAT, UNCLE ROY? GET THEIR LITTLE JUMP ROPES

WHAT'S THAT, UNCLE ROY? GET THEIR LITTLE JUMP ROPES AND TIE HIM UP.

GET THEIR LITTLE JUMP ROPES AND TIE HIM UP. OH, NO!

AND TIE HIM UP. OH, NO! I FEEL A TICKLE FIT COMING ON!

OH, NO! I FEEL A TICKLE FIT COMING ON! OH, NO!

I FEEL A TICKLE FIT COMING ON! OH, NO! LIKE THE TICKLE MANIAC!

OH, NO! LIKE THE TICKLE MANIAC! WE BETTER GET OUR JUMP ROPES

LIKE THE TICKLE MANIAC! WE BETTER GET OUR JUMP ROPES OUT!

WE BETTER GET OUR JUMP ROPES OUT! OH, I HOPE THEY DON'T TIE

OUT! OH, I HOPE THEY DON'T TIE ME UP WITH THEIR LITTLE JUMP

OH, I HOPE THEY DON'T TIE ME UP WITH THEIR LITTLE JUMP ROPES.

ME UP WITH THEIR LITTLE JUMP ROPES. OH! OH!

ROPES. OH! OH! OH, NEXT THEY'LL BE BEATING ME

OH! OH! OH, NEXT THEY'LL BE BEATING ME AND... AND HITTING ME WITH

OH, NEXT THEY'LL BE BEATING ME AND... AND HITTING ME WITH THINGS!

AND... AND HITTING ME WITH THINGS! THERE WE GO!

THINGS! THERE WE GO! BUT WHAT TERRI AND TRACY

THERE WE GO! BUT WHAT TERRI AND TRACY DIDN'T REALIZE WAS THAT THE

BUT WHAT TERRI AND TRACY DIDN'T REALIZE WAS THAT THE WICKED TICKLE MANIAC COULD STILL

DIDN'T REALIZE WAS THAT THE WICKED TICKLE MANIAC COULD STILL CRY OUT FOR HELP BECAUSE THEY

WICKED TICKLE MANIAC COULD STILL CRY OUT FOR HELP BECAUSE THEY FORGOT TO PUT THEIR LITTLE SOCKS

CRY OUT FOR HELP BECAUSE THEY FORGOT TO PUT THEIR LITTLE SOCKS IN HIS MOUTH AND SECURE THEM

FORGOT TO PUT THEIR LITTLE SOCKS IN HIS MOUTH AND SECURE THEM WITH THEIR LITTLE PINK BALLET

IN HIS MOUTH AND SECURE THEM WITH THEIR LITTLE PINK BALLET TIGHTS."

WITH THEIR LITTLE PINK BALLET TIGHTS." OH, NO!

TIGHTS." OH, NO! WE CAN DO THAT!

OH, NO! WE CAN DO THAT! HERE!

WE CAN DO THAT! HERE! THERE YOU GO!

HERE! THERE YOU GO! YEAH.

THERE YOU GO! YEAH. WOW, AT LAST, THE KINGDOM IS

YEAH. WOW, AT LAST, THE KINGDOM IS SAFE.

WOW, AT LAST, THE KINGDOM IS SAFE. YEAH!

SAFE. YEAH! WOW, WE CAN FALL ASLEEP IN

YEAH! WOW, WE CAN FALL ASLEEP IN PEACE.

WOW, WE CAN FALL ASLEEP IN PEACE. YEAH.

PEACE. YEAH. GOOD NIGHT, TERRI.

YEAH. GOOD NIGHT, TERRI. GOOD NIGHT, TRACY.

GOOD NIGHT, TERRI. GOOD NIGHT, TRACY. GOOD NIGHT, UNCLE ROY.

GOOD NIGHT, TRACY. GOOD NIGHT, UNCLE ROY. [Muffled] GOOD NIGHT.

Announcer: IT'S TIME FOR "THE FRANKEN AND DAVIS SHOW," STARRING AL FRANKEN AND

"THE FRANKEN AND DAVIS SHOW," STARRING AL FRANKEN AND TOM DAVIS.

STARRING AL FRANKEN AND TOM DAVIS. AND NOW HERE'S AL AND TOM.

TOM DAVIS. AND NOW HERE'S AL AND TOM. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

AND NOW HERE'S AL AND TOM. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] THANK YOU.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] THANK YOU. THANK YOU.

THANK YOU. THANK YOU. WELCOME TO THE SHOW.

THANK YOU. WELCOME TO THE SHOW. THIS IS THE FIRST

WELCOME TO THE SHOW. THIS IS THE FIRST "FRANKEN AND DAVIS SHOW" THAT

THIS IS THE FIRST "FRANKEN AND DAVIS SHOW" THAT WE'VE DONE IN SEVERAL MONTHS

"FRANKEN AND DAVIS SHOW" THAT WE'VE DONE IN SEVERAL MONTHS BECAUSE, UH, MY PARTNER AL HAS

WE'VE DONE IN SEVERAL MONTHS BECAUSE, UH, MY PARTNER AL HAS BEEN GOING THROUGH SOME CHANGES.

BECAUSE, UH, MY PARTNER AL HAS BEEN GOING THROUGH SOME CHANGES. THAT... THAT'S RIGHT, TOM.

BEEN GOING THROUGH SOME CHANGES. THAT... THAT'S RIGHT, TOM. YOU SEE, UP UNTIL NOW, I HAVE

THAT... THAT'S RIGHT, TOM. YOU SEE, UP UNTIL NOW, I HAVE SPENT MOST OF MY ADULT LIFE IN

YOU SEE, UP UNTIL NOW, I HAVE SPENT MOST OF MY ADULT LIFE IN THE DECADENT WORLD OF SHOW

SPENT MOST OF MY ADULT LIFE IN THE DECADENT WORLD OF SHOW BUSINESS, AND, BELIEVE ME, I'VE

THE DECADENT WORLD OF SHOW BUSINESS, AND, BELIEVE ME, I'VE DONE IT ALL... THE DRUGS, THE,

BUSINESS, AND, BELIEVE ME, I'VE DONE IT ALL... THE DRUGS, THE, UH, PROMISCUITY, EATING MEAT.

DONE IT ALL... THE DRUGS, THE, UH, PROMISCUITY, EATING MEAT. DID I MENTION DRUGS?

UH, PROMISCUITY, EATING MEAT. DID I MENTION DRUGS? AND NONE OF THIS BROUGHT ME

DID I MENTION DRUGS? AND NONE OF THIS BROUGHT ME HAPPINESS, AND I'M PROUD NOW TO

AND NONE OF THIS BROUGHT ME HAPPINESS, AND I'M PROUD NOW TO SAY THAT I HAVE FOUND INNER

HAPPINESS, AND I'M PROUD NOW TO SAY THAT I HAVE FOUND INNER PEACE THROUGH THE TEACHINGS OF

SAY THAT I HAVE FOUND INNER PEACE THROUGH THE TEACHINGS OF KRISHNA.

PEACE THROUGH THE TEACHINGS OF KRISHNA. AND KRISHNA CONSCIOUSNESS HAS

KRISHNA. AND KRISHNA CONSCIOUSNESS HAS ACTUALLY HELPED MY COMEDY, AND I

AND KRISHNA CONSCIOUSNESS HAS ACTUALLY HELPED MY COMEDY, AND I THINK I CAN SAY NOW THAT I HAVE

ACTUALLY HELPED MY COMEDY, AND I THINK I CAN SAY NOW THAT I HAVE A PERFECT KNOWLEDGE OF WHAT IS

THINK I CAN SAY NOW THAT I HAVE A PERFECT KNOWLEDGE OF WHAT IS FUNNY.

A PERFECT KNOWLEDGE OF WHAT IS FUNNY. BUT... BUT WE ARE STILL THE

FUNNY. BUT... BUT WE ARE STILL THE SAME OLD TEAM OF, UH, FRANKEN

BUT... BUT WE ARE STILL THE SAME OLD TEAM OF, UH, FRANKEN AND DAVIS, WHICH IS WHY...

SAME OLD TEAM OF, UH, FRANKEN AND DAVIS, WHICH IS WHY... TOM, ACTUALLY, FROM NOW ON,

AND DAVIS, WHICH IS WHY... TOM, ACTUALLY, FROM NOW ON, WE'RE THE COMEDY TEAM OF

TOM, ACTUALLY, FROM NOW ON, WE'RE THE COMEDY TEAM OF AZHNA DIPPY VOD AND DAVIS.

WE'RE THE COMEDY TEAM OF AZHNA DIPPY VOD AND DAVIS. OKAY, WELL, LET'S, UH...

AZHNA DIPPY VOD AND DAVIS. OKAY, WELL, LET'S, UH... LET'S JUST JUMP INTO IT.

OKAY, WELL, LET'S, UH... LET'S JUST JUMP INTO IT. OKAY.

LET'S JUST JUMP INTO IT. OKAY. I KNOW THAT ALL OF YOU LOVE IT

OKAY. I KNOW THAT ALL OF YOU LOVE IT WHEN COMEDIANS DO JOKES ON TV

I KNOW THAT ALL OF YOU LOVE IT WHEN COMEDIANS DO JOKES ON TV ABOUT THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN

WHEN COMEDIANS DO JOKES ON TV ABOUT THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN LOS ANGELES AND NEW YORK.

ABOUT THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN LOS ANGELES AND NEW YORK. BUT, BELIEVE ME, THE DIFFERENCES

LOS ANGELES AND NEW YORK. BUT, BELIEVE ME, THE DIFFERENCES ARE EVEN GREATER BETWEEN

BUT, BELIEVE ME, THE DIFFERENCES ARE EVEN GREATER BETWEEN NEW YORK AND BOMBAY.

ARE EVEN GREATER BETWEEN NEW YORK AND BOMBAY. YOU KNOW, IT'S A NUTTY THING

NEW YORK AND BOMBAY. YOU KNOW, IT'S A NUTTY THING ABOUT THE BIG APPLE.

YOU KNOW, IT'S A NUTTY THING ABOUT THE BIG APPLE. WE HAVE CRAZY TAXI DRIVERS.

ABOUT THE BIG APPLE. WE HAVE CRAZY TAXI DRIVERS. YOU STEP INTO THE STREET, AND

WE HAVE CRAZY TAXI DRIVERS. YOU STEP INTO THE STREET, AND YOU TAKE YOUR LIFE INTO YOUR

YOU STEP INTO THE STREET, AND YOU TAKE YOUR LIFE INTO YOUR HANDS.

YOU TAKE YOUR LIFE INTO YOUR HANDS. BUT IN BOMBAY, YOU CROSS THE

HANDS. BUT IN BOMBAY, YOU CROSS THE STREET, AND YOU GET HIT BY A

BUT IN BOMBAY, YOU CROSS THE STREET, AND YOU GET HIT BY A COW.

STREET, AND YOU GET HIT BY A COW. [SCATTERED LAUGHTER]

COW. [SCATTERED LAUGHTER] IT'S CRAZY.

[SCATTERED LAUGHTER] IT'S CRAZY. I WAS... I WAS RIGHT.

IT'S CRAZY. I WAS... I WAS RIGHT. I WAS RIGHT.

I WAS... I WAS RIGHT. I WAS RIGHT. THESE DO NOT WORK.

I WAS RIGHT. THESE DO NOT WORK. THESE JOKES ARE NOT WORKING.

THESE DO NOT WORK. THESE JOKES ARE NOT WORKING. THEY LOVE THAT JOKE, TOM.

THESE JOKES ARE NOT WORKING. THEY LOVE THAT JOKE, TOM. THESE PEOPLE LOVE THAT JOKE.

THEY LOVE THAT JOKE, TOM. THESE PEOPLE LOVE THAT JOKE. WOULD YOU LISTEN?

THESE PEOPLE LOVE THAT JOKE. WOULD YOU LISTEN? THEY'RE SUPPOSED TO BE LAUGHING,

WOULD YOU LISTEN? THEY'RE SUPPOSED TO BE LAUGHING, NOT MEDITATING.

THEY'RE SUPPOSED TO BE LAUGHING, NOT MEDITATING. THIS KRISHNA THING... THIS

NOT MEDITATING. THIS KRISHNA THING... THIS KRISHNA THING IS INTERFERING

THIS KRISHNA THING... THIS KRISHNA THING IS INTERFERING WITH OUR ACT.

KRISHNA THING IS INTERFERING WITH OUR ACT. TOM, DON'T...

WITH OUR ACT. TOM, DON'T... YOUR APPEARANCE IS

TOM, DON'T... YOUR APPEARANCE IS DISTRACTING.

YOUR APPEARANCE IS DISTRACTING. TOM, DON'T BE RIDICULOUS.

DISTRACTING. TOM, DON'T BE RIDICULOUS. THESE PEOPLE DON'T CARE WHAT I

TOM, DON'T BE RIDICULOUS. THESE PEOPLE DON'T CARE WHAT I LOOK LIKE.

THESE PEOPLE DON'T CARE WHAT I LOOK LIKE. THIS IS SIMPLY MY EXTERNAL

LOOK LIKE. THIS IS SIMPLY MY EXTERNAL APPEARANCE.

THIS IS SIMPLY MY EXTERNAL APPEARANCE. WHAT THEY CARE ABOUT IS THE

APPEARANCE. WHAT THEY CARE ABOUT IS THE HUMOR THAT COMES THROUGH.

WHAT THEY CARE ABOUT IS THE HUMOR THAT COMES THROUGH. LET'S JUST CONTINUE WITH THE

HUMOR THAT COMES THROUGH. LET'S JUST CONTINUE WITH THE ROUTINE.

LET'S JUST CONTINUE WITH THE ROUTINE. LET'S DO THE BASEBALL ROUTINE.

ROUTINE. LET'S DO THE BASEBALL ROUTINE. I'M SURE THEY'LL LOVE IT.

LET'S DO THE BASEBALL ROUTINE. I'M SURE THEY'LL LOVE IT. BASEBALL ROUTINE.

I'M SURE THEY'LL LOVE IT. BASEBALL ROUTINE. ALL RIGHT.

BASEBALL ROUTINE. ALL RIGHT. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, IT'S

ALL RIGHT. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, IT'S BASEBALL SEASON AGAIN, AND WE'D

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, IT'S BASEBALL SEASON AGAIN, AND WE'D LIKE TO TAKE YOU TO A VERY

BASEBALL SEASON AGAIN, AND WE'D LIKE TO TAKE YOU TO A VERY SPECIAL INTERVIEW AT

LIKE TO TAKE YOU TO A VERY SPECIAL INTERVIEW AT YANKEE STADIUM.

SPECIAL INTERVIEW AT YANKEE STADIUM. THIS IS BONNIE JOHNSON REPORTING

YANKEE STADIUM. THIS IS BONNIE JOHNSON REPORTING FROM YANKEE STADIUM, AND I'M

THIS IS BONNIE JOHNSON REPORTING FROM YANKEE STADIUM, AND I'M TALKING HERE WITH PAPI STAAB,

FROM YANKEE STADIUM, AND I'M TALKING HERE WITH PAPI STAAB, UTILITY OUTFIELDER FOR THE

TALKING HERE WITH PAPI STAAB, UTILITY OUTFIELDER FOR THE YANKEES WHO, WE UNDERSTAND, IS

UTILITY OUTFIELDER FOR THE YANKEES WHO, WE UNDERSTAND, IS ABOUT TO BE SENT BACK DOWN TO

YANKEES WHO, WE UNDERSTAND, IS ABOUT TO BE SENT BACK DOWN TO THE MINORS.

ABOUT TO BE SENT BACK DOWN TO THE MINORS. NO, FRANKEN, THIS DOES NOT WORK.

THE MINORS. NO, FRANKEN, THIS DOES NOT WORK. THIS DOES NOT WORK.

NO, FRANKEN, THIS DOES NOT WORK. THIS DOES NOT WORK. NOT FOR AN INSTANT DO I BELIEVE

THIS DOES NOT WORK. NOT FOR AN INSTANT DO I BELIEVE YOU'RE A BASEBALL PLAYER.

NOT FOR AN INSTANT DO I BELIEVE YOU'RE A BASEBALL PLAYER. FORGET IT. FORGET IT.

YOU'RE A BASEBALL PLAYER. FORGET IT. FORGET IT. TOM, I THINK YOU'RE HUNG UP

FORGET IT. FORGET IT. TOM, I THINK YOU'RE HUNG UP ON THE MATERIAL.

TOM, I THINK YOU'RE HUNG UP ON THE MATERIAL. MY BODY IS TEMPORAL.

ON THE MATERIAL. MY BODY IS TEMPORAL. MY LIFE SPIRIT WILL LIVE ON LONG

MY BODY IS TEMPORAL. MY LIFE SPIRIT WILL LIVE ON LONG AFTER MY BODY HAS DIED.

MY LIFE SPIRIT WILL LIVE ON LONG AFTER MY BODY HAS DIED. THAT'S WHY I SHAVED MY HEAD,

AFTER MY BODY HAS DIED. THAT'S WHY I SHAVED MY HEAD, YOU REMEMBER, TO RENOUNCE...

THAT'S WHY I SHAVED MY HEAD, YOU REMEMBER, TO RENOUNCE... Both: THE MATERIAL.

YOU REMEMBER, TO RENOUNCE... Both: THE MATERIAL. THAT'S RIGHT.

Both: THE MATERIAL. THAT'S RIGHT. IT'S ALSO, BY THE WAY, GOOD FOR

THAT'S RIGHT. IT'S ALSO, BY THE WAY, GOOD FOR HEAD LICE.

IT'S ALSO, BY THE WAY, GOOD FOR HEAD LICE. AND I'D RECOMMEND THAT EVERYONE

HEAD LICE. AND I'D RECOMMEND THAT EVERYONE DO IT.

AND I'D RECOMMEND THAT EVERYONE DO IT. BUT, TOM, THESE PEOPLE DON'T

DO IT. BUT, TOM, THESE PEOPLE DON'T CARE ABOUT THE WAY I LOOK.

BUT, TOM, THESE PEOPLE DON'T CARE ABOUT THE WAY I LOOK. THEY... THEY ALL LOVE ME BECAUSE

CARE ABOUT THE WAY I LOOK. THEY... THEY ALL LOVE ME BECAUSE THEY FEEL MY SPIRITUAL LIFE

THEY... THEY ALL LOVE ME BECAUSE THEY FEEL MY SPIRITUAL LIFE FORCE COME THROUGH THE COMEDY.

THEY FEEL MY SPIRITUAL LIFE FORCE COME THROUGH THE COMEDY. ISN'T THAT RIGHT, EVERYBODY?

FORCE COME THROUGH THE COMEDY. ISN'T THAT RIGHT, EVERYBODY? DON'T YOU ALL LOVE ME?

ISN'T THAT RIGHT, EVERYBODY? DON'T YOU ALL LOVE ME? [SCATTERED APPLAUSE AND

DON'T YOU ALL LOVE ME? [SCATTERED APPLAUSE AND BOOING]

[SCATTERED APPLAUSE AND BOOING] WELL, LISTEN TO THAT.

[BOOING] WELL, LISTEN TO THAT. YOU SEE WHAT I MEAN?

WELL, LISTEN TO THAT. YOU SEE WHAT I MEAN? THEY... THEY THINK YOU'RE

YOU SEE WHAT I MEAN? THEY... THEY THINK YOU'RE RIDICULOUS.

THEY... THEY THINK YOU'RE RIDICULOUS. THEY DON'T WANT TO HEAR ABOUT

RIDICULOUS. THEY DON'T WANT TO HEAR ABOUT THIS.

THEY DON'T WANT TO HEAR ABOUT THIS. WELL, TOM, ALL THESE PEOPLE,

THIS. WELL, TOM, ALL THESE PEOPLE, EXCEPT FOR ONE OR TWO PEOPLE,

WELL, TOM, ALL THESE PEOPLE, EXCEPT FOR ONE OR TWO PEOPLE, HERE ARE OBVIOUSLY HUNG UP AND

EXCEPT FOR ONE OR TWO PEOPLE, HERE ARE OBVIOUSLY HUNG UP AND STUCK ON A MATERIAL PLANE.

HERE ARE OBVIOUSLY HUNG UP AND STUCK ON A MATERIAL PLANE. ALL RIGHT.

STUCK ON A MATERIAL PLANE. ALL RIGHT. AND I KNOW ALL OF YOU ARE

ALL RIGHT. AND I KNOW ALL OF YOU ARE MISERABLE BECAUSE OF THAT.

AND I KNOW ALL OF YOU ARE MISERABLE BECAUSE OF THAT. AND I WANT YOU TO TRY TO GET IN

MISERABLE BECAUSE OF THAT. AND I WANT YOU TO TRY TO GET IN TOUCH WITH YOUR SPIRITUAL SELF

AND I WANT YOU TO TRY TO GET IN TOUCH WITH YOUR SPIRITUAL SELF SO YOU CAN FEEL SOME JOY INSTEAD

TOUCH WITH YOUR SPIRITUAL SELF SO YOU CAN FEEL SOME JOY INSTEAD OF THAT MISERY THAT YOU ALL

SO YOU CAN FEEL SOME JOY INSTEAD OF THAT MISERY THAT YOU ALL FEEL.

OF THAT MISERY THAT YOU ALL FEEL. NOW, I WANT YOU TO CHANT THESE

FEEL. NOW, I WANT YOU TO CHANT THESE WORDS.

NOW, I WANT YOU TO CHANT THESE WORDS. I'LL SAY THEM, AND THEN AFTER

WORDS. I'LL SAY THEM, AND THEN AFTER I'M DONE, PLEASE REPEAT WITH ME.

I'LL SAY THEM, AND THEN AFTER I'M DONE, PLEASE REPEAT WITH ME. HARE KRISHNA.

I'M DONE, PLEASE REPEAT WITH ME. HARE KRISHNA. HARE KRISHNA.

HARE KRISHNA. HARE KRISHNA. KRISHNA KRISHNA.

HARE KRISHNA. KRISHNA KRISHNA. HARE HARE.

KRISHNA KRISHNA. HARE HARE. HARE RAMA.

HARE HARE. HARE RAMA. HARE RAMA.

HARE RAMA. HARE RAMA. RAMA RAMA.

HARE RAMA. RAMA RAMA. KRISHNA KRISHNA.

RAMA RAMA. KRISHNA KRISHNA. OKAY, EVERYBODY.

KRISHNA KRISHNA. OKAY, EVERYBODY. HARE KR... COME ON, EVERYBODY.

OKAY, EVERYBODY. HARE KR... COME ON, EVERYBODY. KRISHNA. HARE...

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] WHAT DID YOU DO THAT... I THOUGHT...

WHAT DID YOU DO THAT... I THOUGHT... WHAT DID YOU DO THAT FOR?!

I THOUGHT... WHAT DID YOU DO THAT FOR?! WELL, IT WAS FUNNY.

WHAT DID YOU DO THAT FOR?! WELL, IT WAS FUNNY. IT WAS A SPONTANEOUS LITTLE...

WELL, IT WAS FUNNY. IT WAS A SPONTANEOUS LITTLE... WELL, NOW I'M GONNA LOOK LIKE

IT WAS A SPONTANEOUS LITTLE... WELL, NOW I'M GONNA LOOK LIKE A BUDDHIST!

WELL, NOW I'M GONNA LOOK LIKE A BUDDHIST! I MEAN, BUDDHISTS ARE BALD!

A BUDDHIST! I MEAN, BUDDHISTS ARE BALD! I'M GONNA BE WALKING DOWN THE

I MEAN, BUDDHISTS ARE BALD! I'M GONNA BE WALKING DOWN THE STREET, PEOPLE ARE GONNA POINT

I'M GONNA BE WALKING DOWN THE STREET, PEOPLE ARE GONNA POINT AT ME, AND THEY'RE GONNA MAKE

STREET, PEOPLE ARE GONNA POINT AT ME, AND THEY'RE GONNA MAKE FUN OF ME!

AT ME, AND THEY'RE GONNA MAKE FUN OF ME! THEY'RE GONNA SAY, "THERE GOES A

FUN OF ME! THEY'RE GONNA SAY, "THERE GOES A BUDDHIST!"

THEY'RE GONNA SAY, "THERE GOES A BUDDHIST!" WELL, HEY, PEOPLE...

BUDDHIST!" WELL, HEY, PEOPLE... I HATE BUDDHISTS!

WELL, HEY, PEOPLE... I HATE BUDDHISTS! PEOPLE DON'T CARE WHAT YOU

I HATE BUDDHISTS! PEOPLE DON'T CARE WHAT YOU LOOK LIKE.

PEOPLE DON'T CARE WHAT YOU LOOK LIKE. BUDDHISTS ARE OBNOXIOUS!

LOOK LIKE. BUDDHISTS ARE OBNOXIOUS! OH, YEAH?!

BUDDHISTS ARE OBNOXIOUS! OH, YEAH?! Announcer: AL AND TOM WILL BE

OH, YEAH?! Announcer: AL AND TOM WILL BE RIGHT BACK AFTER THIS MESSAGE.

Announcer: AL AND TOM WILL BE RIGHT BACK AFTER THIS MESSAGE. "THE FRANKEN AND DAVIS SHOW" WAS

RIGHT BACK AFTER THIS MESSAGE. "THE FRANKEN AND DAVIS SHOW" WAS BROUGHT TO YOU BY GODHEAD

"THE FRANKEN AND DAVIS SHOW" WAS BROUGHT TO YOU BY GODHEAD INCENSE.

BROUGHT TO YOU BY GODHEAD INCENSE. FOR THE SMELL OF NIRVANA RIGHT

INCENSE. FOR THE SMELL OF NIRVANA RIGHT HERE ON EARTH, LIGHT UP A

FOR THE SMELL OF NIRVANA RIGHT HERE ON EARTH, LIGHT UP A GODHEAD.

HERE ON EARTH, LIGHT UP A GODHEAD. AND NOW HERE'S AL AND TOM.

GODHEAD. AND NOW HERE'S AL AND TOM. GOOD NIGHT, EVERYBODY.

AND NOW HERE'S AL AND TOM. GOOD NIGHT, EVERYBODY. GOOD NIGHT.

GOOD NIGHT, EVERYBODY. GOOD NIGHT. GOOD NIGHT.

GOOD NIGHT. GOOD NIGHT. [APPLAUSE]

[SIZZLING] [TELEPHONE RINGING] HELLO, OLYMPIA RESTAURANT.

[TELEPHONE RINGING] HELLO, OLYMPIA RESTAURANT. CHEESEBURGER! CHEESEBURGER!

HELLO, OLYMPIA RESTAURANT. CHEESEBURGER! CHEESEBURGER! CHEESEBURGER!

CHEESEBURGER! CHEESEBURGER! CHEESEBURGER! CHEESEBURGER! CHEESEBURGER!

CHEESEBURGER! CHEESEBURGER! CHEESEBURGER! CHEESEBURGER!

CHEESEBURGER! CHEESEBURGER! CHEESEBURGER! NO, NO FRIES. CHIP.

CHEESEBURGER! NO, NO FRIES. CHIP. CHIP! CHIP! CHIP!

NO, NO FRIES. CHIP. CHIP! CHIP! CHIP! CHIP! CHIP! CHIP!

CHIP! CHIP! CHIP! CHIP! CHIP! CHIP! WHAT TO DRINK?

CHIP! CHIP! CHIP! WHAT TO DRINK? NO, NO PEPSI. COKE.

WHAT TO DRINK? NO, NO PEPSI. COKE. WE SWITCH.

NO, NO PEPSI. COKE. WE SWITCH. OKAY.

WE SWITCH. OKAY. COKE! COKE! COKE!

OKAY. COKE! COKE! COKE! COKE! COKE! COKE!

COKE! COKE! COKE! COKE! COKE! COKE! UH, 10 MINUTES, ALL RIGHT?

COKE! COKE! COKE! UH, 10 MINUTES, ALL RIGHT? ALL RIGHT.

UH, 10 MINUTES, ALL RIGHT? ALL RIGHT. HI, PETE.

ALL RIGHT. HI, PETE. OH, WE'RE CLOSED TODAY,

HI, PETE. OH, WE'RE CLOSED TODAY, HONEY.

OH, WE'RE CLOSED TODAY, HONEY. I'M SORRY, WE'RE NOT OPEN.

HONEY. I'M SORRY, WE'RE NOT OPEN. ONLY "TO GO."

I'M SORRY, WE'RE NOT OPEN. ONLY "TO GO." OH, I-I KNOW.

ONLY "TO GO." OH, I-I KNOW. I JUST STOPPED BY TO SAY I WAS

OH, I-I KNOW. I JUST STOPPED BY TO SAY I WAS SORRY TO HEAR ABOUT THE FIRE.

I JUST STOPPED BY TO SAY I WAS SORRY TO HEAR ABOUT THE FIRE. HOW DID IT START?

SORRY TO HEAR ABOUT THE FIRE. HOW DID IT START? UH, SPARKS, I THINK, UH...

HOW DID IT START? UH, SPARKS, I THINK, UH... I DON'T KNOW.

UH, SPARKS, I THINK, UH... I DON'T KNOW. WELL, UH, DO YOU HAVE ANY

I DON'T KNOW. WELL, UH, DO YOU HAVE ANY INSURANCE?

WELL, UH, DO YOU HAVE ANY INSURANCE? OH, SURE, I GOT INSURANCE.

INSURANCE? OH, SURE, I GOT INSURANCE. OH, GOOD.

OH, SURE, I GOT INSURANCE. OH, GOOD. YES, IT'S A GOOD THING NICO

OH, GOOD. YES, IT'S A GOOD THING NICO CAME HOME FROM THE MOVIES EARLY.

YES, IT'S A GOOD THING NICO CAME HOME FROM THE MOVIES EARLY. YOU KNOW, THE FIREMAN, HE SAY

CAME HOME FROM THE MOVIES EARLY. YOU KNOW, THE FIREMAN, HE SAY THAT, UH, IF HE COME 10 MINUTES

YOU KNOW, THE FIREMAN, HE SAY THAT, UH, IF HE COME 10 MINUTES LATER, THE WHOLE PLACE WOULD

THAT, UH, IF HE COME 10 MINUTES LATER, THE WHOLE PLACE WOULD HAVE BURNED DOWN.

LATER, THE WHOLE PLACE WOULD HAVE BURNED DOWN. OH.

HAVE BURNED DOWN. OH. WELL, UH...

OH. WELL, UH... OH, IS THAT HOW HE BURNED HIS

WELL, UH... OH, IS THAT HOW HE BURNED HIS ARM?

OH, IS THAT HOW HE BURNED HIS ARM? NO, HE BURNED IT WHILE HE...

ARM? NO, HE BURNED IT WHILE HE... HE WAS... HE WAS HITTING THE

NO, HE BURNED IT WHILE HE... HE WAS... HE WAS HITTING THE ALARM BOX, ON THE GLASS!

HE WAS... HE WAS HITTING THE ALARM BOX, ON THE GLASS! YEAH.

ALARM BOX, ON THE GLASS! YEAH. WELL, UM, WHEN YOU FIX THE

YEAH. WELL, UM, WHEN YOU FIX THE PLACE UP, ARE YA GONNA DO

WELL, UM, WHEN YOU FIX THE PLACE UP, ARE YA GONNA DO ANYTHING DIFFERENT?

PLACE UP, ARE YA GONNA DO ANYTHING DIFFERENT? SURE, WE GONNA HAVE A BIG

ANYTHING DIFFERENT? SURE, WE GONNA HAVE A BIG SALAD BAR OVER THERE, THEN WE'RE

SURE, WE GONNA HAVE A BIG SALAD BAR OVER THERE, THEN WE'RE GONNA KNOCK DOWN THE WALL FOR

SALAD BAR OVER THERE, THEN WE'RE GONNA KNOCK DOWN THE WALL FOR MORE TABLES.

GONNA KNOCK DOWN THE WALL FOR MORE TABLES. OH.

MORE TABLES. OH. YEAH, IT'S GONNA BE REAL

OH. YEAH, IT'S GONNA BE REAL NICE.

YEAH, IT'S GONNA BE REAL NICE. WHAT TO GO?

NICE. WHAT TO GO? OH, UH, I'LL JUST HAVE THE

WHAT TO GO? OH, UH, I'LL JUST HAVE THE USUAL.

OH, UH, I'LL JUST HAVE THE USUAL. CHEESEBURGER!

USUAL. CHEESEBURGER! CHEESEBURGER!

CHEESEBURGER! CHEESEBURGER! COKE! CHIP!

CHEESEBURGER! COKE! CHIP! COKE! CHIP!

COKE! CHIP! COKE! CHIP! ALL RIGHT.

COKE! CHIP! ALL RIGHT. WELL, WE KNEW THAT A LITTLE

ALL RIGHT. WELL, WE KNEW THAT A LITTLE THING LIKE A FIRE WOULD NOT KEEP

WELL, WE KNEW THAT A LITTLE THING LIKE A FIRE WOULD NOT KEEP YOU GUYS CLOSED.

THING LIKE A FIRE WOULD NOT KEEP YOU GUYS CLOSED. I THINK WE'LL HAVE TWO LARGE

YOU GUYS CLOSED. I THINK WE'LL HAVE TWO LARGE COKES TO GO.

I THINK WE'LL HAVE TWO LARGE COKES TO GO. YEAH, AND SOME CHIPS.

COKES TO GO. YEAH, AND SOME CHIPS. COKE! COKE! CHIP! CHIP!

YEAH, AND SOME CHIPS. COKE! COKE! CHIP! CHIP! COKE! COKE! CHIP! CHIP!

COKE! COKE! CHIP! CHIP! COKE! COKE! CHIP! CHIP! YEAH, IT DOESN'T SMELL MUCH

COKE! COKE! CHIP! CHIP! YEAH, IT DOESN'T SMELL MUCH DIFFERENT IN HERE.

YEAH, IT DOESN'T SMELL MUCH DIFFERENT IN HERE. NO.

DIFFERENT IN HERE. NO. SMELLS LIKE BURNT RUBBER,

NO. SMELLS LIKE BURNT RUBBER, DOESN'T IT?

SMELLS LIKE BURNT RUBBER, DOESN'T IT? YEAH, IT MIGHT EVEN SMELL A

DOESN'T IT? YEAH, IT MIGHT EVEN SMELL A LITTLE BETTER THAN USUAL.

YEAH, IT MIGHT EVEN SMELL A LITTLE BETTER THAN USUAL. YEAH.

LITTLE BETTER THAN USUAL. YEAH. SEE YA.

YEAH. SEE YA. YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.

SEE YA. YEAH, YEAH, YEAH. HEY, UH, PETE, YOU FORGOT TO

YEAH, YEAH, YEAH. HEY, UH, PETE, YOU FORGOT TO TAKE THEIR MONEY.

HEY, UH, PETE, YOU FORGOT TO TAKE THEIR MONEY. POLICEMEN DON'T PAY.

TAKE THEIR MONEY. POLICEMEN DON'T PAY. WHY NOT?

POLICEMEN DON'T PAY. WHY NOT? IT'S BAD LUCK!

WHY NOT? IT'S BAD LUCK! WHAT IS IT, SOME KIND OF

IT'S BAD LUCK! WHAT IS IT, SOME KIND OF GREEK SUPERSTITION?

WHAT IS IT, SOME KIND OF GREEK SUPERSTITION? IT'S AN OLD SUPERSTITION.

GREEK SUPERSTITION? IT'S AN OLD SUPERSTITION. IF YOU DON'T GIVE A POLICEMAN

IT'S AN OLD SUPERSTITION. IF YOU DON'T GIVE A POLICEMAN FREE FOOD, THEY WON'T COME WHEN

IF YOU DON'T GIVE A POLICEMAN FREE FOOD, THEY WON'T COME WHEN THEY NEED YOU... WHEN YOU NEED

FREE FOOD, THEY WON'T COME WHEN THEY NEED YOU... WHEN YOU NEED THEM.

THEY NEED YOU... WHEN YOU NEED THEM. OH-HO.

THEM. OH-HO. OH, BY THE WAY, COULD I HAVE

OH-HO. OH, BY THE WAY, COULD I HAVE SOME KETCHUP WITH THIS?

OH, BY THE WAY, COULD I HAVE SOME KETCHUP WITH THIS? SURE.

SOME KETCHUP WITH THIS? SURE. UGH.

SURE. UGH. WELL, THAT'S ALL RIGHT.

UGH. WELL, THAT'S ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT, UH, $2.28, HONEY.

WELL, THAT'S ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT, UH, $2.28, HONEY. ALL RIGHT.

ALL RIGHT, UH, $2.28, HONEY. ALL RIGHT. UH, MR. DIONASOPOLIS?

ALL RIGHT. UH, MR. DIONASOPOLIS? MAYBE YES, MAYBE NO.

UH, MR. DIONASOPOLIS? MAYBE YES, MAYBE NO. I'M MRS. LARRIMORE.

MAYBE YES, MAYBE NO. I'M MRS. LARRIMORE. I'M THE ADJUSTER FROM UNIVERSAL

I'M MRS. LARRIMORE. I'M THE ADJUSTER FROM UNIVERSAL INSURANCE COMPANY.

I'M THE ADJUSTER FROM UNIVERSAL INSURANCE COMPANY. AH! PLEASE COME IN!

INSURANCE COMPANY. AH! PLEASE COME IN! I AM PETE DIONASOPOLIS.

AH! PLEASE COME IN! I AM PETE DIONASOPOLIS. YOU KNOW, I'M SORRY, BUT MAYBE I

I AM PETE DIONASOPOLIS. YOU KNOW, I'M SORRY, BUT MAYBE I THOUGHT YOU WERE FROM THE HEALTH

YOU KNOW, I'M SORRY, BUT MAYBE I THOUGHT YOU WERE FROM THE HEALTH BOARD, YOU KNOW?

THOUGHT YOU WERE FROM THE HEALTH BOARD, YOU KNOW? WELL, BYE, EVERYBODY!

BOARD, YOU KNOW? WELL, BYE, EVERYBODY! AND, PETE, I'M LOOKING FORWARD

WELL, BYE, EVERYBODY! AND, PETE, I'M LOOKING FORWARD TO SEEING THE NEW SALAD BAR.

AND, PETE, I'M LOOKING FORWARD TO SEEING THE NEW SALAD BAR. OH. [CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]

TO SEEING THE NEW SALAD BAR. OH. [CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY] AH!

OH. [CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY] AH! YOU WANT SOMETHING TO DRINK?

AH! YOU WANT SOMETHING TO DRINK? COKE?

YOU WANT SOMETHING TO DRINK? COKE? COKE!

COKE? COKE! NO, THANK YOU.

COKE! NO, THANK YOU. ALL RIGHT.

NO, THANK YOU. ALL RIGHT. LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY

ALL RIGHT. LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY BEAUTIFUL RESTAURANT!

LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY BEAUTIFUL RESTAURANT! EVERYTHING IS GONE!

BEAUTIFUL RESTAURANT! EVERYTHING IS GONE! COKE.

EVERYTHING IS GONE! COKE. IS THIS THE FIRST TIME YOU'VE

COKE. IS THIS THE FIRST TIME YOU'VE EVER HAD A FIRE IN YOUR

IS THIS THE FIRST TIME YOU'VE EVER HAD A FIRE IN YOUR RESTAURANT?

EVER HAD A FIRE IN YOUR RESTAURANT? NO, UH, 'BOUT FIVE YEARS AGO,

RESTAURANT? NO, UH, 'BOUT FIVE YEARS AGO, I HAD ONE WHEN I WAS WITH

NO, UH, 'BOUT FIVE YEARS AGO, I HAD ONE WHEN I WAS WITH ANOTHER INSURANCE COMPANY.

I HAD ONE WHEN I WAS WITH ANOTHER INSURANCE COMPANY. AND WHAT WAS THE CAUSE OF

ANOTHER INSURANCE COMPANY. AND WHAT WAS THE CAUSE OF THAT FIRE?

AND WHAT WAS THE CAUSE OF THAT FIRE? UNKNOWN.

THAT FIRE? UNKNOWN. UH, THEY THINK IT WAS MAYBE

UNKNOWN. UH, THEY THINK IT WAS MAYBE SPARKS.

UH, THEY THINK IT WAS MAYBE SPARKS. OH, I SEE.

SPARKS. OH, I SEE. NOW, WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR

OH, I SEE. NOW, WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR YOU IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS TO MAKE

NOW, WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR YOU IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS TO MAKE A GENERAL LIST OF ITEMS THAT

YOU IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS TO MAKE A GENERAL LIST OF ITEMS THAT WERE DESTROYED OR DAMAGED IN THE

A GENERAL LIST OF ITEMS THAT WERE DESTROYED OR DAMAGED IN THE FIRE?

WERE DESTROYED OR DAMAGED IN THE FIRE? SURE!

FIRE? SURE! YES. HERE IT IS.

SURE! YES. HERE IT IS. OH, YOU'VE ALREADY DONE IT.

YES. HERE IT IS. OH, YOU'VE ALREADY DONE IT. AH, YES.

OH, YOU'VE ALREADY DONE IT. AH, YES. AH!

AH, YES. AH! EVERYTHING... ALL MY PLATES,

AH! EVERYTHING... ALL MY PLATES, ALL MY DISHES, EVERYTHING IS

EVERYTHING... ALL MY PLATES, ALL MY DISHES, EVERYTHING IS RUINED... EVERYTHING!

ALL MY DISHES, EVERYTHING IS RUINED... EVERYTHING! $500 WORTH OF PAPER NAPKINS

RUINED... EVERYTHING! $500 WORTH OF PAPER NAPKINS DESTROYED IN THE FIRE?

$500 WORTH OF PAPER NAPKINS DESTROYED IN THE FIRE? IT WAS A TWO-YEAR SUPPLY.

DESTROYED IN THE FIRE? IT WAS A TWO-YEAR SUPPLY. YOU KNOW, WE LOST THEM ALL.

IT WAS A TWO-YEAR SUPPLY. YOU KNOW, WE LOST THEM ALL. GEE. BOY.

YOU KNOW, WE LOST THEM ALL. GEE. BOY. $200 FOR A PICTURE OF

GEE. BOY. $200 FOR A PICTURE OF SPIRO AGNEW?

$200 FOR A PICTURE OF SPIRO AGNEW? IT WAS AUTOGRAPHED.

SPIRO AGNEW? IT WAS AUTOGRAPHED. OH, OKAY.

IT WAS AUTOGRAPHED. OH, OKAY. UH...

OH, OKAY. UH... I DON'T SEE ANY PERSONAL ITEMS

UH... I DON'T SEE ANY PERSONAL ITEMS HERE.

I DON'T SEE ANY PERSONAL ITEMS HERE. DID YOU LOSE ANYTHING LIKE, UH,

HERE. DID YOU LOSE ANYTHING LIKE, UH, OH, UMBRELLAS OR GOLF CLUBS OR

DID YOU LOSE ANYTHING LIKE, UH, OH, UMBRELLAS OR GOLF CLUBS OR ANYTHING LIKE THAT?

OH, UMBRELLAS OR GOLF CLUBS OR ANYTHING LIKE THAT? YES.

ANYTHING LIKE THAT? YES. WHAT?

YES. WHAT? UH... GOLF CLUBS.

WHAT? UH... GOLF CLUBS. GOLF CLUBS?

UH... GOLF CLUBS. GOLF CLUBS? YEAH.

GOLF CLUBS? YEAH. AND, UH, WHAT WOULD YOU

YEAH. AND, UH, WHAT WOULD YOU ESTIMATE THE VALUE OF THE GOLF

AND, UH, WHAT WOULD YOU ESTIMATE THE VALUE OF THE GOLF CLUBS?

ESTIMATE THE VALUE OF THE GOLF CLUBS? UH, IT'S HARD TO SAY, UH...

CLUBS? UH, IT'S HARD TO SAY, UH... $200?

UH, IT'S HARD TO SAY, UH... $200? FOUR.

$200? FOUR. $400?

FOUR. $400? THEY MUST HAVE BEEN VERY GOOD

$400? THEY MUST HAVE BEEN VERY GOOD CLUBS.

THEY MUST HAVE BEEN VERY GOOD CLUBS. AH, YES.

CLUBS. AH, YES. UM, DID ANY OF YOUR, UH...

AH, YES. UM, DID ANY OF YOUR, UH... YOUR EMPLOYEES LOSE ANY PERSONAL

UM, DID ANY OF YOUR, UH... YOUR EMPLOYEES LOSE ANY PERSONAL BELONGINGS?

YOUR EMPLOYEES LOSE ANY PERSONAL BELONGINGS? YES! EVERYBODY! EVERYBODY!

BELONGINGS? YES! EVERYBODY! EVERYBODY! EVERYBODY LOST SOMETHING IN

YES! EVERYBODY! EVERYBODY! EVERYBODY LOST SOMETHING IN THE FIRE?

EVERYBODY LOST SOMETHING IN THE FIRE? MM, YES.

THE FIRE? MM, YES. WHAT?

MM, YES. WHAT? GOLF CLUBS.

WHAT? GOLF CLUBS. YOU ALL LOST GOLF CLUBS IN

GOLF CLUBS. YOU ALL LOST GOLF CLUBS IN THE FIRE?

YOU ALL LOST GOLF CLUBS IN THE FIRE? YES. YES. EVERYBODY.

THE FIRE? YES. YES. EVERYBODY. YOU SEE, WE ALL GOLF TOGETHER,

YES. YES. EVERYBODY. YOU SEE, WE ALL GOLF TOGETHER, YOU KNOW, AND THAT'S WHY WE HAVE

YOU SEE, WE ALL GOLF TOGETHER, YOU KNOW, AND THAT'S WHY WE HAVE TO KEEP THEM HERE.

YOU KNOW, AND THAT'S WHY WE HAVE TO KEEP THEM HERE. OH, WHAT A SHAME.

TO KEEP THEM HERE. OH, WHAT A SHAME. WELL, I'M GOING TO HAVE TO HAVE

OH, WHAT A SHAME. WELL, I'M GOING TO HAVE TO HAVE THE NAMES AND ADDRESSES OF ALL

WELL, I'M GOING TO HAVE TO HAVE THE NAMES AND ADDRESSES OF ALL YOUR EMPLOYEES.

THE NAMES AND ADDRESSES OF ALL YOUR EMPLOYEES. UH, WHY DON'T YOU START?

YOUR EMPLOYEES. UH, WHY DON'T YOU START? YOUR, UH, LAST NAME FIRST.

UH, WHY DON'T YOU START? YOUR, UH, LAST NAME FIRST. HIS NAME IS KARDOPITA. NICO.

YOUR, UH, LAST NAME FIRST. HIS NAME IS KARDOPITA. NICO. UH, HERE, I'LL WRITE FOR YOU.

HIS NAME IS KARDOPITA. NICO. UH, HERE, I'LL WRITE FOR YOU. AND HIS ADDRESS.

UH, HERE, I'LL WRITE FOR YOU. AND HIS ADDRESS. OH, HE LIVES HERE.

AND HIS ADDRESS. OH, HE LIVES HERE. HE LIVES IN THE BACK.

OH, HE LIVES HERE. HE LIVES IN THE BACK. HE SLEEPS IN THE BACK.

HE LIVES IN THE BACK. HE SLEEPS IN THE BACK. HE LIVES HERE?

HE SLEEPS IN THE BACK. HE LIVES HERE? NOT HERE, HE LIVES THERE, BY

HE LIVES HERE? NOT HERE, HE LIVES THERE, BY THE SINK.

NOT HERE, HE LIVES THERE, BY THE SINK. [Chuckling] OH.

THE SINK. [Chuckling] OH. I'M VERY SORRY,

[Chuckling] OH. I'M VERY SORRY, MR. DIONASOPOLIS, BUT YOUR

I'M VERY SORRY, MR. DIONASOPOLIS, BUT YOUR POLICY CLEARLY STATES THAT IF

MR. DIONASOPOLIS, BUT YOUR POLICY CLEARLY STATES THAT IF THE, UH... IF THE PREMISES IS

POLICY CLEARLY STATES THAT IF THE, UH... IF THE PREMISES IS USED AS A RESIDENCE, THEN YOU

THE, UH... IF THE PREMISES IS USED AS A RESIDENCE, THEN YOU HAVE VOID YOUR POLICY.

USED AS A RESIDENCE, THEN YOU HAVE VOID YOUR POLICY. I'M SORRY.

HAVE VOID YOUR POLICY. I'M SORRY. OKAY, FORGET ABOUT HIS GOLF

I'M SORRY. OKAY, FORGET ABOUT HIS GOLF CLUBS.

OKAY, FORGET ABOUT HIS GOLF CLUBS. SANDY, YOU GO NEXT! COME ON!

CLUBS. SANDY, YOU GO NEXT! COME ON! AH, NO, NO, NO, NO.

SANDY, YOU GO NEXT! COME ON! AH, NO, NO, NO, NO. YOU DON'T SEEM... YOU DON'T SEEM

AH, NO, NO, NO, NO. YOU DON'T SEEM... YOU DON'T SEEM TO UNDERSTAND, MR. DIONASOPOLIS.

YOU DON'T SEEM... YOU DON'T SEEM TO UNDERSTAND, MR. DIONASOPOLIS. BY PERMITTING YOUR BUSINESS

TO UNDERSTAND, MR. DIONASOPOLIS. BY PERMITTING YOUR BUSINESS ESTABLISHMENT TO BE USED AS A

BY PERMITTING YOUR BUSINESS ESTABLISHMENT TO BE USED AS A RESIDENCE, YOU HAVE VIOLATED

ESTABLISHMENT TO BE USED AS A RESIDENCE, YOU HAVE VIOLATED YOUR RIGHTS FOR COVERAGE.

RESIDENCE, YOU HAVE VIOLATED YOUR RIGHTS FOR COVERAGE. I'M AFRAID I WON'T BE ABLE TO

YOUR RIGHTS FOR COVERAGE. I'M AFRAID I WON'T BE ABLE TO HELP YOU AFTER ALL.

I'M AFRAID I WON'T BE ABLE TO HELP YOU AFTER ALL. IF YOU HAVE ANY FURTHER

HELP YOU AFTER ALL. IF YOU HAVE ANY FURTHER QUESTIONS, YOU CAN SPEAK TO AN

IF YOU HAVE ANY FURTHER QUESTIONS, YOU CAN SPEAK TO AN ARBITRATOR.

QUESTIONS, YOU CAN SPEAK TO AN ARBITRATOR. HIS NUMBER IS ON THIS CARD.

ARBITRATOR. HIS NUMBER IS ON THIS CARD. I'M VERY SORRY.

HIS NUMBER IS ON THIS CARD. I'M VERY SORRY. [EXHALES SHARPLY]

WELL, WE'RE STILL HUNGRY, SO WE THOUGHT WE'D DROP IN TO SAY HELLO AGAIN.

WE THOUGHT WE'D DROP IN TO SAY HELLO AGAIN. YEAH, HOW MANY ARE YOU GONNA

HELLO AGAIN. YEAH, HOW MANY ARE YOU GONNA HAVE, HUH, NORM?

YEAH, HOW MANY ARE YOU GONNA HAVE, HUH, NORM? I THINK I'LL HAVE TWO.

HAVE, HUH, NORM? I THINK I'LL HAVE TWO. YEAH, I THINK I'LL HAVE, UH,

I THINK I'LL HAVE TWO. YEAH, I THINK I'LL HAVE, UH, TWO, TOO.

YEAH, I THINK I'LL HAVE, UH, TWO, TOO. CHEESEBURGER! CHEESEBURGER!

TWO, TOO. CHEESEBURGER! CHEESEBURGER! CHEESEBURGER! CHEESEBURGER!

CHEESEBURGER! CHEESEBURGER! CHEESEBURGER! CHEESEBURGER! CHEESEBURGER! CHEESEBURGER!

CHEESEBURGER! CHEESEBURGER! CHEESEBURGER! CHEESEBURGER! CHEESEBURGER! CHEESEBURGER!

CHEESEBURGER! CHEESEBURGER! CHEESEBURGER! CHEESEBURGER! AND, UH, GIVE US SOME CHIPS.

CHEESEBURGER! CHEESEBURGER! AND, UH, GIVE US SOME CHIPS. YEAH, AND A COUPLE OF

AND, UH, GIVE US SOME CHIPS. YEAH, AND A COUPLE OF COKES!

YEAH, AND A COUPLE OF COKES! CHIP! CHIP! COKE! COKE!

COKES! CHIP! CHIP! COKE! COKE! CHIP! CHIP! COKE! COKE!

CHIP! CHIP! COKE! COKE! CHIP! CHIP! COKE! COKE! PETE.

CHIP! CHIP! COKE! COKE! PETE. NO INSURANCE MONEY.

PETE. NO INSURANCE MONEY. WHAT... WHAT WE GOING TO DO NOW?

NO INSURANCE MONEY. WHAT... WHAT WE GOING TO DO NOW? WHAT ELSE? WE'RE GREEKS.

WHAT... WHAT WE GOING TO DO NOW? WHAT ELSE? WE'RE GREEKS. WE DANCE!

WHAT ELSE? WE'RE GREEKS. WE DANCE! [GREEK MUSIC PLAYS]

WE DANCE! [GREEK MUSIC PLAYS] DANCE! EVERYBODY DANCE!

[GREEK MUSIC PLAYS] DANCE! EVERYBODY DANCE! [SHOUTS INDISTINCTLY]

Announcer: ONCE AGAIN, BETTE MIDLER. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

BETTE MIDLER. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] [PIANO PLAYING SOFTLY]

GEE, YOU MAKE ME FEEL AWFUL GOOD. THANK YOU.

GOOD. THANK YOU. MY FRIEND TOM WAITS WROTE THIS

THANK YOU. MY FRIEND TOM WAITS WROTE THIS SONG.

MY FRIEND TOM WAITS WROTE THIS SONG. [CHUCKLES]

SONG. [CHUCKLES] ♪ OPERATOR, NUMBER, PLEASE ♪

[CHUCKLES] ♪ OPERATOR, NUMBER, PLEASE ♪ ♪ IT'S BEEN SO MANY YEARS ♪

♪ OPERATOR, NUMBER, PLEASE ♪ ♪ IT'S BEEN SO MANY YEARS ♪ ♪ WILL HE REMEMBER MY OLD VOICE

♪ IT'S BEEN SO MANY YEARS ♪ ♪ WILL HE REMEMBER MY OLD VOICE WHILE I FIGHT THE TEARS? ♪

♪ WILL HE REMEMBER MY OLD VOICE WHILE I FIGHT THE TEARS? ♪ ♪ HELLO, HELLO, THERE, IS THIS

WHILE I FIGHT THE TEARS? ♪ ♪ HELLO, HELLO, THERE, IS THIS TOMMY? ♪

♪ HELLO, HELLO, THERE, IS THIS TOMMY? ♪ ♪ THIS IS BETSY FROST ♪

TOMMY? ♪ ♪ THIS IS BETSY FROST ♪ ♪ AND I AM CALLING

♪ THIS IS BETSY FROST ♪ ♪ AND I AM CALLING LONG-DISTANCE ♪

♪ AND I AM CALLING LONG-DISTANCE ♪ ♪ DON'T WORRY ABOUT THE COST ♪

LONG-DISTANCE ♪ ♪ DON'T WORRY ABOUT THE COST ♪ ♪ IT'S BEEN 20 YEARS OR MORE ♪

♪ DON'T WORRY ABOUT THE COST ♪ ♪ IT'S BEEN 20 YEARS OR MORE ♪ ♪ NOW, WON'T YOU PLEASE

♪ IT'S BEEN 20 YEARS OR MORE ♪ ♪ NOW, WON'T YOU PLEASE RECALL? ♪

♪ NOW, WON'T YOU PLEASE RECALL? ♪ ♪ AND MEET ME OUT FOR COFFEE ♪

RECALL? ♪ ♪ AND MEET ME OUT FOR COFFEE ♪ ♪ WE CAN TALK ABOUT IT ALL ♪

♪ AND MEET ME OUT FOR COFFEE ♪ ♪ WE CAN TALK ABOUT IT ALL ♪ ♪ OH ♪

♪ WE CAN TALK ABOUT IT ALL ♪ ♪ OH ♪ ♪ THOSE WERE DAYS OF ROSES ♪

♪ OH ♪ ♪ THOSE WERE DAYS OF ROSES ♪ ♪ POETRY AND PROSE ♪

♪ THOSE WERE DAYS OF ROSES ♪ ♪ POETRY AND PROSE ♪ ♪ AND ALL I HAD WAS YOU ♪

♪ POETRY AND PROSE ♪ ♪ AND ALL I HAD WAS YOU ♪ ♪ ALL YOU HAD WAS ME ♪

♪ AND ALL I HAD WAS YOU ♪ ♪ ALL YOU HAD WAS ME ♪ ♪ THERE WAS NO TOMORROW ♪

♪ ALL YOU HAD WAS ME ♪ ♪ THERE WAS NO TOMORROW ♪ ♪ WE PACKED AWAY OUR SORROWS ♪

♪ THERE WAS NO TOMORROW ♪ ♪ WE PACKED AWAY OUR SORROWS ♪ ♪ AND WE SAVED THEM ♪

♪ WE PACKED AWAY OUR SORROWS ♪ ♪ AND WE SAVED THEM ♪ ♪ FOR A RAINY DAY ♪

♪ AND WE SAVED THEM ♪ ♪ FOR A RAINY DAY ♪ ♪ AND I FEEL SO MUCH OLDER NOW ♪

♪ FOR A RAINY DAY ♪ ♪ AND I FEEL SO MUCH OLDER NOW ♪ ♪ WELL, YOU'RE MUCH OLDER, TOO ♪

♪ AND I FEEL SO MUCH OLDER NOW ♪ ♪ WELL, YOU'RE MUCH OLDER, TOO ♪ ♪ HOW'S YOUR WIFE? ♪

♪ WELL, YOU'RE MUCH OLDER, TOO ♪ ♪ HOW'S YOUR WIFE? ♪ ♪ AND HOW'S YOUR KIDS? ♪

♪ HOW'S YOUR WIFE? ♪ ♪ AND HOW'S YOUR KIDS? ♪ ♪ YOU KNOW, I GOT MARRIED, TOO ♪

♪ AND HOW'S YOUR KIDS? ♪ ♪ YOU KNOW, I GOT MARRIED, TOO ♪ ♪ LUCKY THAT I FOUND SOMEONE

♪ YOU KNOW, I GOT MARRIED, TOO ♪ ♪ LUCKY THAT I FOUND SOMEONE WHO HELPED ME FEEL SECURE, OH ♪

♪ LUCKY THAT I FOUND SOMEONE WHO HELPED ME FEEL SECURE, OH ♪ ♪ WE WERE ALL SO YOUNG AND

WHO HELPED ME FEEL SECURE, OH ♪ ♪ WE WERE ALL SO YOUNG AND FOOLISH ♪

♪ WE WERE ALL SO YOUNG AND FOOLISH ♪ ♪ NOW WE ARE MATURE ♪

FOOLISH ♪ ♪ NOW WE ARE MATURE ♪ ♪ OH ♪

♪ NOW WE ARE MATURE ♪ ♪ OH ♪ ♪ THOSE WERE DAYS OF ROSES ♪

♪ OH ♪ ♪ THOSE WERE DAYS OF ROSES ♪ ♪ POETRY AND PROSES ♪

♪ THOSE WERE DAYS OF ROSES ♪ ♪ POETRY AND PROSES ♪ ♪ ALL I HAD WAS YOU ♪

♪ POETRY AND PROSES ♪ ♪ ALL I HAD WAS YOU ♪ ♪ ALL YOU HAD WAS ME ♪

♪ ALL I HAD WAS YOU ♪ ♪ ALL YOU HAD WAS ME ♪ ♪ OH, THERE WAS NO TOMORROW ♪

♪ ALL YOU HAD WAS ME ♪ ♪ OH, THERE WAS NO TOMORROW ♪ ♪ WE JUST PACKED AWAY

♪ OH, THERE WAS NO TOMORROW ♪ ♪ WE JUST PACKED AWAY OUR SORROWS ♪

♪ WE JUST PACKED AWAY OUR SORROWS ♪ ♪ OH, WE SAVED THEM ♪

OUR SORROWS ♪ ♪ OH, WE SAVED THEM ♪ ♪ FOR A RAINY DAY ♪

♪ OH, WE SAVED THEM ♪ ♪ FOR A RAINY DAY ♪ ♪ AND I WAS ALWAYS SO

♪ FOR A RAINY DAY ♪ ♪ AND I WAS ALWAYS SO IMPULSIVE ♪

♪ AND I WAS ALWAYS SO IMPULSIVE ♪ ♪ GUESS THAT I STILL AM ♪

IMPULSIVE ♪ ♪ GUESS THAT I STILL AM ♪ ♪ BUT ALL THAT REALLY MATTERED

♪ GUESS THAT I STILL AM ♪ ♪ BUT ALL THAT REALLY MATTERED THEN WAS I HAD ME A MAN ♪

♪ BUT ALL THAT REALLY MATTERED THEN WAS I HAD ME A MAN ♪ ♪ GUESS THAT OUR BEING

THEN WAS I HAD ME A MAN ♪ ♪ GUESS THAT OUR BEING TOGETHER'S NEVER MEANT TO BE ♪

♪ GUESS THAT OUR BEING TOGETHER'S NEVER MEANT TO BE ♪ ♪ OH ♪

TOGETHER'S NEVER MEANT TO BE ♪ ♪ OH ♪ ♪ BUT, TOMMY ♪

♪ OH ♪ ♪ BUT, TOMMY ♪ ♪ TOMMY ♪

♪ BUT, TOMMY ♪ ♪ TOMMY ♪ ♪ I LOVE YOU ♪

♪ TOMMY ♪ ♪ I LOVE YOU ♪ ♪ DON'T YOU SEE? ♪

♪ I LOVE YOU ♪ ♪ DON'T YOU SEE? ♪ ♪ OH ♪

♪ DON'T YOU SEE? ♪ ♪ OH ♪ ♪ THOSE WERE DAYS OF ROSES ♪

♪ OH ♪ ♪ THOSE WERE DAYS OF ROSES ♪ ♪ POETRY AND PROSES ♪

♪ THOSE WERE DAYS OF ROSES ♪ ♪ POETRY AND PROSES ♪ ♪ ALL I HAD WAS YOU ♪

♪ POETRY AND PROSES ♪ ♪ ALL I HAD WAS YOU ♪ ♪ ALL YOU HAD WAS ME ♪

♪ ALL I HAD WAS YOU ♪ ♪ ALL YOU HAD WAS ME ♪ ♪ OH, THERE WAS NO TOMORROW ♪

♪ ALL YOU HAD WAS ME ♪ ♪ OH, THERE WAS NO TOMORROW ♪ ♪ DIDN'T WE PACK AWAY

♪ OH, THERE WAS NO TOMORROW ♪ ♪ DIDN'T WE PACK AWAY OUR SORROWS AND SAVE THEM

♪ DIDN'T WE PACK AWAY OUR SORROWS AND SAVE THEM FOR A RAINY DAY? ♪

OUR SORROWS AND SAVE THEM FOR A RAINY DAY? ♪ [PIANO PLAYING

FOR A RAINY DAY? ♪ [PIANO PLAYING "AULD LANG SYNE"]

[PIANO PLAYING "AULD LANG SYNE"] ♪ AND I REMEMBER ♪

["AULD LANG SYNE"] ♪ AND I REMEMBER ♪ ♪ QUIET EVENINGS ♪

♪ AND I REMEMBER ♪ ♪ QUIET EVENINGS ♪ ♪ TREMBLING CLOSE TO

♪ QUIET EVENINGS ♪ ♪ TREMBLING CLOSE TO YO-U-U-U-U-U ♪

♪ TREMBLING CLOSE TO YO-U-U-U-U-U ♪ [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

[BABY CRYING] Announcer: A TINY BABY SYMBOLIZES THE MIRACLE OF LIFE.

Announcer: A TINY BABY SYMBOLIZES THE MIRACLE OF LIFE. BUT THIS CHILD IS SPECIAL.

SYMBOLIZES THE MIRACLE OF LIFE. BUT THIS CHILD IS SPECIAL. IT WAS ARTIFICIALLY CREATED IN

BUT THIS CHILD IS SPECIAL. IT WAS ARTIFICIALLY CREATED IN VITRO FROM FERTILIZED TISSUE

IT WAS ARTIFICIALLY CREATED IN VITRO FROM FERTILIZED TISSUE CULTURES IN AN INCUBATION

VITRO FROM FERTILIZED TISSUE CULTURES IN AN INCUBATION MEDIUM.

CULTURES IN AN INCUBATION MEDIUM. STATED SIMPLY, THIS CHILD IS A

MEDIUM. STATED SIMPLY, THIS CHILD IS A CLONE.

CLONING IS NOT NEW.

AS LONG AGO AS 1932, DANISH

GENETICS EXPERT HANS HEISER

DISCOVERED A MEANS BY WHICH HE

COULD CREATE AND DUPLICATE

RUDIMENTARY VEGETABLE- AND

MEAT-CELL TISSUES THROUGH A

SIMPLE BUT FLAWED PROCESS.

HIS EXPERIMENTS ENDED TRAGICALLY

WHEN THEY FAILED AND HE WENT

INSANE.

THE BEVELMAN CLONES WERE A

PRODUCT OF SWISS GENETIC

EXPERIMENTATION, BUT HAD TO BE

DISCONTINUED WHEN QUIRKS WERE

DISCOVERED IN THEIR RESPIRATORY

TRACTS.

IT WASN'T UNTIL 35 YEARS LATER

IN NEW YORK THAT AN OBSTETRICIAN

FIGURED OUT WHAT THE DANES AND

SWISS WERE DOING WRONG AND HAS

BEEN PRODUCING PERFECT CLONES

EVER SINCE.

THIS IS A VERY SIMPLE

IN-OFFICE PROCEDURE IN WHICH ONE

TAKES A SMALL SPECIMEN OF CELLS

FROM THE GUM OR FROM THE INSIDE

OF THE CHEEK, LIKE THIS, AND ONE

PUTS IT IN A VERY SPECIAL

MEDIUM, A MEDIUM WHICH OF COURSE

I HAVE DEVELOPED MYSELF.

AND ONE INCUBATES THIS FOR ABOUT

SIX TO NINE WEEKS.

AT THE END OF THAT TIME, WE

DELIVER THE CLONE TO THE

PROSPECTIVE PARENTS IN A

MEDICALLY SEALED CONTAINER.

THIS CATALOG HAS IN IT VARIOUS

TYPES OF PEOPLE, CLONES OF WHOM

ARE AVAILABLE FOR PURCHASE.

NOW, THESE INCLUDE PEOPLE SUCH

AS RAVEL, A VERY HANDSOME MAN,

ALSO VERY TALENTED, AND A GREAT

MANY OTHER PEOPLE.

Announcer: THE BENNETT FAMILY

BOASTS ONE OF DR. NEUMANN'S

RAVEL CLONES.

YOU WOULD HAVE TO CALL US A TYPICAL ONE-CLONE FAMILY. WE ARE THAT.

TYPICAL ONE-CLONE FAMILY. WE ARE THAT. WHEN WE FOUND OUT THAT

WE ARE THAT. WHEN WE FOUND OUT THAT MAURICE RAVEL'S CELLS WERE

WHEN WE FOUND OUT THAT MAURICE RAVEL'S CELLS WERE AVAILABLE FOR CLONING, WE WERE

MAURICE RAVEL'S CELLS WERE AVAILABLE FOR CLONING, WE WERE QUITE THRILLED, AND WE HAD

AVAILABLE FOR CLONING, WE WERE QUITE THRILLED, AND WE HAD ALWAYS WANTED A MUSICIAN IN THE

QUITE THRILLED, AND WE HAD ALWAYS WANTED A MUSICIAN IN THE FAMILY, AND WE THOUGHT THIS WAS

ALWAYS WANTED A MUSICIAN IN THE FAMILY, AND WE THOUGHT THIS WAS A FINE OPPORTUNITY.

FAMILY, AND WE THOUGHT THIS WAS A FINE OPPORTUNITY. THE... THE DATE THAT SHE

A FINE OPPORTUNITY. THE... THE DATE THAT SHE ARRIVED IN HER CANISTER WAS

THE... THE DATE THAT SHE ARRIVED IN HER CANISTER WAS TRULY THE HAPPIEST DAY IN OUR

ARRIVED IN HER CANISTER WAS TRULY THE HAPPIEST DAY IN OUR LIFE.

TRULY THE HAPPIEST DAY IN OUR LIFE. WE'RE JUST CRAZY ABOUT OUR

LIFE. WE'RE JUST CRAZY ABOUT OUR LITTLE CLONE!

WE'RE JUST CRAZY ABOUT OUR LITTLE CLONE! [COOING]

LITTLE CLONE! [COOING] Announcer: THIS IS NEW YORK'S

[COOING] Announcer: THIS IS NEW YORK'S CLONE ADVENTURE PLAYGROUND,

Announcer: THIS IS NEW YORK'S CLONE ADVENTURE PLAYGROUND, WHERE SOME OF THE CITY'S CLONED

CLONE ADVENTURE PLAYGROUND, WHERE SOME OF THE CITY'S CLONED CHILDREN ARE LEARNING TO PLAY

WHERE SOME OF THE CITY'S CLONED CHILDREN ARE LEARNING TO PLAY WITH THEMSELVES AND OTHERS.

CHILDREN ARE LEARNING TO PLAY WITH THEMSELVES AND OTHERS. YES, OUR CHILD IS A CLONE.

WITH THEMSELVES AND OTHERS. YES, OUR CHILD IS A CLONE. SHE'S A BEAUTIFUL CHILD, AND WE

YES, OUR CHILD IS A CLONE. SHE'S A BEAUTIFUL CHILD, AND WE LOVE HER VERY MUCH.

SHE'S A BEAUTIFUL CHILD, AND WE LOVE HER VERY MUCH. IT'S A GREAT ADVANTAGE TO BE

LOVE HER VERY MUCH. IT'S A GREAT ADVANTAGE TO BE A SINGLE PARENT.

IT'S A GREAT ADVANTAGE TO BE A SINGLE PARENT. YOU CAN HAVE A KID WITHOUT A

A SINGLE PARENT. YOU CAN HAVE A KID WITHOUT A MOTHER.

YOU CAN HAVE A KID WITHOUT A MOTHER. WE'RE HAD OUR CLONE NOW FOR

MOTHER. WE'RE HAD OUR CLONE NOW FOR TWO YEARS, AND WE'VE HAD NO

WE'RE HAD OUR CLONE NOW FOR TWO YEARS, AND WE'VE HAD NO PROBLEMS.

TWO YEARS, AND WE'VE HAD NO PROBLEMS. WHENEVER WE TRAVEL, WE JUST PUT

PROBLEMS. WHENEVER WE TRAVEL, WE JUST PUT HIM IN OUR LUGGAGE.

WHENEVER WE TRAVEL, WE JUST PUT HIM IN OUR LUGGAGE. TAKE HIM WITH US.

HIM IN OUR LUGGAGE. TAKE HIM WITH US. Announcer: CLONES ENJOY

TAKE HIM WITH US. Announcer: CLONES ENJOY HAPPY, PROBLEM-FREE LIFE-SPANS,

Announcer: CLONES ENJOY HAPPY, PROBLEM-FREE LIFE-SPANS, HERALDING A NEW AWAKENING OF

HAPPY, PROBLEM-FREE LIFE-SPANS, HERALDING A NEW AWAKENING OF MEDICAL SCIENCE'S GREATEST

HERALDING A NEW AWAKENING OF MEDICAL SCIENCE'S GREATEST ACHIEVEMENT, THE CREATION OF

MEDICAL SCIENCE'S GREATEST ACHIEVEMENT, THE CREATION OF HUMAN LIFE.

ACHIEVEMENT, THE CREATION OF HUMAN LIFE. THE MIRACLE HAS ARRIVED, THE

HUMAN LIFE. THE MIRACLE HAS ARRIVED, THE DREAM IS HERE... CLONES EXIST

THE MIRACLE HAS ARRIVED, THE DREAM IS HERE... CLONES EXIST NOW.

DREAM IS HERE... CLONES EXIST NOW. [APPLAUSE]

♪ I'VE LOOKED AT LIFE FROM

BOTH SIDES NOW ♪

♪ FROM GIVE AND TAKE ♪

♪ AND STILL SOMEHOW ♪

GOOD EVENING, AND WELCOME TO "NOT FOR TRANSSEXUALS ONLY." I'M JOAN FACE.

"NOT FOR TRANSSEXUALS ONLY." I'M JOAN FACE. OUR GUESTS TODAY ARE BOTH RECENT

I'M JOAN FACE. OUR GUESTS TODAY ARE BOTH RECENT TRANSSEXUALS.

OUR GUESTS TODAY ARE BOTH RECENT TRANSSEXUALS. FIRST, CHRIS RANDOLPH, ONE OF

TRANSSEXUALS. FIRST, CHRIS RANDOLPH, ONE OF THOUSANDS OF MEN WHO HAVE OPTED

FIRST, CHRIS RANDOLPH, ONE OF THOUSANDS OF MEN WHO HAVE OPTED FOR WOMANHOOD, AND

THOUSANDS OF MEN WHO HAVE OPTED FOR WOMANHOOD, AND MR. LYNN HAGSTROM, ONE OF THE

FOR WOMANHOOD, AND MR. LYNN HAGSTROM, ONE OF THE FEW WOMEN EVER TO BECOME A MAN.

MR. LYNN HAGSTROM, ONE OF THE FEW WOMEN EVER TO BECOME A MAN. LYNN, YOURS WAS AN EXTREMELY

FEW WOMEN EVER TO BECOME A MAN. LYNN, YOURS WAS AN EXTREMELY UNUSUAL OPERATION.

LYNN, YOURS WAS AN EXTREMELY UNUSUAL OPERATION. CAN YOU TELL US ABOUT IT?

UNUSUAL OPERATION. CAN YOU TELL US ABOUT IT? UH, YEAH, JOAN.

CAN YOU TELL US ABOUT IT? UH, YEAH, JOAN. IT WASN'T EASY.

UH, YEAH, JOAN. IT WASN'T EASY. I HAD TO WAIT A YEAR AND A HALF

IT WASN'T EASY. I HAD TO WAIT A YEAR AND A HALF UNTIL THEY FOUND A MALE DONOR

I HAD TO WAIT A YEAR AND A HALF UNTIL THEY FOUND A MALE DONOR WITH THE SAME COLOR HAIR.

UNTIL THEY FOUND A MALE DONOR WITH THE SAME COLOR HAIR. AND, UH, FOR OUR DONORS'

WITH THE SAME COLOR HAIR. AND, UH, FOR OUR DONORS' INFORMATION, AH, THAT... THAT...

AND, UH, FOR OUR DONORS' INFORMATION, AH, THAT... THAT... UH... OR FOR OUR VIEWERS'

INFORMATION, AH, THAT... THAT... UH... OR FOR OUR VIEWERS' INFORMATION, THAT DONOR WAS, UH,

UH... OR FOR OUR VIEWERS' INFORMATION, THAT DONOR WAS, UH, MS. RANDOLPH.

INFORMATION, THAT DONOR WAS, UH, MS. RANDOLPH. LYNN, WHAT'S IT LIKE SUDDENLY

MS. RANDOLPH. LYNN, WHAT'S IT LIKE SUDDENLY BEING MALE?

LYNN, WHAT'S IT LIKE SUDDENLY BEING MALE? WELL, IT'S, UH... IT'S QUITE

BEING MALE? WELL, IT'S, UH... IT'S QUITE AN ADJUSTMENT, I'D SAY.

WELL, IT'S, UH... IT'S QUITE AN ADJUSTMENT, I'D SAY. IN MY CASE, A BIG ADJUSTMENT.

AN ADJUSTMENT, I'D SAY. IN MY CASE, A BIG ADJUSTMENT. THANK YOU.

IN MY CASE, A BIG ADJUSTMENT. THANK YOU. CHRIS, DO YOU FEEL THAT YOU

THANK YOU. CHRIS, DO YOU FEEL THAT YOU GAVE MORE TO LYNN THAN... THAN

CHRIS, DO YOU FEEL THAT YOU GAVE MORE TO LYNN THAN... THAN HE GAVE YOU?

GAVE MORE TO LYNN THAN... THAN HE GAVE YOU? WELL, WELL, I DID, BUT I WAS

HE GAVE YOU? WELL, WELL, I DID, BUT I WAS GLAD TO GIVE IT TO SOMEONE WHO

WELL, WELL, I DID, BUT I WAS GLAD TO GIVE IT TO SOMEONE WHO WANTED IT AND WHO WOULD TAKE

GLAD TO GIVE IT TO SOMEONE WHO WANTED IT AND WHO WOULD TAKE GOOD CARE OF IT.

WANTED IT AND WHO WOULD TAKE GOOD CARE OF IT. I HATE THE IDEA OF SOMETHING

GOOD CARE OF IT. I HATE THE IDEA OF SOMETHING LIKE THAT GOING TO WASTE.

I HATE THE IDEA OF SOMETHING LIKE THAT GOING TO WASTE. YEAH, AND I-I DID TAKE CHRIS

LIKE THAT GOING TO WASTE. YEAH, AND I-I DID TAKE CHRIS OUT FOR DINNER.

YEAH, AND I-I DID TAKE CHRIS OUT FOR DINNER. IN MY CASE, A BIG DINNER.

OUT FOR DINNER. IN MY CASE, A BIG DINNER. [CHUCKLES]

IN MY CASE, A BIG DINNER. [CHUCKLES] THEN WE CAN CONCLUDE THAT YOU

[CHUCKLES] THEN WE CAN CONCLUDE THAT YOU TWO SEE EACH OTHER SOCIALLY.

THEN WE CAN CONCLUDE THAT YOU TWO SEE EACH OTHER SOCIALLY. OH, SURE, BUT WE'RE JUST GOOD

TWO SEE EACH OTHER SOCIALLY. OH, SURE, BUT WE'RE JUST GOOD FRIENDS.

OH, SURE, BUT WE'RE JUST GOOD FRIENDS. WE'VE DECIDED NOT TO GET

FRIENDS. WE'VE DECIDED NOT TO GET EMOTIONALLY INVOLVED BECAUSE

WE'VE DECIDED NOT TO GET EMOTIONALLY INVOLVED BECAUSE WHEN I'M AROUND LYNN I FEEL SORT

EMOTIONALLY INVOLVED BECAUSE WHEN I'M AROUND LYNN I FEEL SORT OF... DETACHED.

WHEN I'M AROUND LYNN I FEEL SORT OF... DETACHED. LYNN, WHAT WAS THE FIRST

OF... DETACHED. LYNN, WHAT WAS THE FIRST CHANGE THAT YOU NOTICED AFTER

LYNN, WHAT WAS THE FIRST CHANGE THAT YOU NOTICED AFTER THE OPERATION?

CHANGE THAT YOU NOTICED AFTER THE OPERATION? WELL, YOU KNOW, I GET PAID

THE OPERATION? WELL, YOU KNOW, I GET PAID MORE FOR DOING THE SAME JOB.

WELL, YOU KNOW, I GET PAID MORE FOR DOING THE SAME JOB. WELL, UH, HAVE... HAVE EITHER

MORE FOR DOING THE SAME JOB. WELL, UH, HAVE... HAVE EITHER OF YOU HAD ANY SECOND THOUGHTS

WELL, UH, HAVE... HAVE EITHER OF YOU HAD ANY SECOND THOUGHTS ABOUT SWITCHING GENDERS?

OF YOU HAD ANY SECOND THOUGHTS ABOUT SWITCHING GENDERS? NOT AT ALL.

ABOUT SWITCHING GENDERS? NOT AT ALL. I LOVE THIS YEAR'S CLOTHES.

NOT AT ALL. I LOVE THIS YEAR'S CLOTHES. THE COLORS ARE SO GUTSY.

I LOVE THIS YEAR'S CLOTHES. THE COLORS ARE SO GUTSY. AND HOW ABOUT YOU, LYNN?

THE COLORS ARE SO GUTSY. AND HOW ABOUT YOU, LYNN? ANY REGRETS?

AND HOW ABOUT YOU, LYNN? ANY REGRETS? WELL, I THINK I MISS GETTING

ANY REGRETS? WELL, I THINK I MISS GETTING TAKEN OUT TO DINNER AND HAVING

WELL, I THINK I MISS GETTING TAKEN OUT TO DINNER AND HAVING MY CIGARETTES LIT FOR ME AND

TAKEN OUT TO DINNER AND HAVING MY CIGARETTES LIT FOR ME AND BEING SLAPPED AROUND A LITTLE.

MY CIGARETTES LIT FOR ME AND BEING SLAPPED AROUND A LITTLE. CHRIS, WHAT ARE YOUR PLANS

BEING SLAPPED AROUND A LITTLE. CHRIS, WHAT ARE YOUR PLANS FOR THE FUTURE?

CHRIS, WHAT ARE YOUR PLANS FOR THE FUTURE? WELL, I GUESS I'M JUST AN

FOR THE FUTURE? WELL, I GUESS I'M JUST AN OLD-FASHIONED GIRL, JOAN.

WELL, I GUESS I'M JUST AN OLD-FASHIONED GIRL, JOAN. I'M LOOKING FOR MR. RIGHT.

OLD-FASHIONED GIRL, JOAN. I'M LOOKING FOR MR. RIGHT. AND LYNN?

I'M LOOKING FOR MR. RIGHT. AND LYNN? WELL, JOAN, I'D LIKE TO, UH,

AND LYNN? WELL, JOAN, I'D LIKE TO, UH, PORK AS MANY BROADS AS POSSIBLE

WELL, JOAN, I'D LIKE TO, UH, PORK AS MANY BROADS AS POSSIBLE AND THEN SETTLE DOWN WITH THE

PORK AS MANY BROADS AS POSSIBLE AND THEN SETTLE DOWN WITH THE ONE WHO REALLY LOVES ME.

AND THEN SETTLE DOWN WITH THE ONE WHO REALLY LOVES ME. SAY, JOAN, I'VE ALWAYS

ONE WHO REALLY LOVES ME. SAY, JOAN, I'VE ALWAYS WONDERED.

SAY, JOAN, I'VE ALWAYS WONDERED. WHY ARE YOU THE HOST OF

WONDERED. WHY ARE YOU THE HOST OF "NOT FOR TRANSSEXUALS ONLY"?

WHY ARE YOU THE HOST OF "NOT FOR TRANSSEXUALS ONLY"? WELL, I USED TO BE

"NOT FOR TRANSSEXUALS ONLY"? WELL, I USED TO BE ED "KOOKIE" BYRNES.

WELL, I USED TO BE ED "KOOKIE" BYRNES. THAT'S IT FOR THIS WEEK.

ED "KOOKIE" BYRNES. THAT'S IT FOR THIS WEEK. THIS IS JOAN FACE SAYING, JOIN

THAT'S IT FOR THIS WEEK. THIS IS JOAN FACE SAYING, JOIN US AGAIN NEXT WEEK ON

THIS IS JOAN FACE SAYING, JOIN US AGAIN NEXT WEEK ON "NOT FOR TRANSSEXUALS ONLY" WHEN

US AGAIN NEXT WEEK ON "NOT FOR TRANSSEXUALS ONLY" WHEN OUR GUESTS WILL BE

"NOT FOR TRANSSEXUALS ONLY" WHEN OUR GUESTS WILL BE CAROL CHANNING AND WAYNE NEWTON.

OUR GUESTS WILL BE CAROL CHANNING AND WAYNE NEWTON. ♪ I'VE LOOKED AT LIFE FROM

CAROL CHANNING AND WAYNE NEWTON. ♪ I'VE LOOKED AT LIFE FROM BOTH SIDES NOW ♪

♪ I'VE LOOKED AT LIFE FROM BOTH SIDES NOW ♪ ♪ FROM GIVE AND TAKE ♪

BOTH SIDES NOW ♪ ♪ FROM GIVE AND TAKE ♪ ♪ AND STILL SOMEHOW ♪

♪ FROM GIVE AND TAKE ♪ ♪ AND STILL SOMEHOW ♪ ♪ IT'S CLOUD ILLUSIONS I

♪ AND STILL SOMEHOW ♪ ♪ IT'S CLOUD ILLUSIONS I RECALL ♪

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THE SPECTACULAR IMPRESSIONS OF MR. MICHAEL O'DONOGHUE.

SPECTACULAR IMPRESSIONS OF MR. MICHAEL O'DONOGHUE. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

THANK YOU VERY MUCH. AND, UH, THANK YOU, BUCK. YOU KNOW, IN THE PAST, UM, 20 OR

AND, UH, THANK YOU, BUCK. YOU KNOW, IN THE PAST, UM, 20 OR 30 YEARS, WE'VE SEEN A LOT OF

YOU KNOW, IN THE PAST, UM, 20 OR 30 YEARS, WE'VE SEEN A LOT OF ROCK-'N'-ROLL STARS COME AND GO.

30 YEARS, WE'VE SEEN A LOT OF ROCK-'N'-ROLL STARS COME AND GO. BUT THERE WAS ONE MAN... ONE MAN

ROCK-'N'-ROLL STARS COME AND GO. BUT THERE WAS ONE MAN... ONE MAN WHO STAYED ON TOP RIGHT FROM THE

BUT THERE WAS ONE MAN... ONE MAN WHO STAYED ON TOP RIGHT FROM THE VERY BEGINNING, AND I GUESS

WHO STAYED ON TOP RIGHT FROM THE VERY BEGINNING, AND I GUESS THAT'S WHY THEY CALLED HIM THE

VERY BEGINNING, AND I GUESS THAT'S WHY THEY CALLED HIM THE KING.

THAT'S WHY THEY CALLED HIM THE KING. AND, OF COURSE, I'M SPEAKING

KING. AND, OF COURSE, I'M SPEAKING ABOUT MR. ELVIS PRESLEY.

AND, OF COURSE, I'M SPEAKING ABOUT MR. ELVIS PRESLEY. [APPLAUSE]

ABOUT MR. ELVIS PRESLEY. [APPLAUSE] YES! YES!

[APPLAUSE] YES! YES! THERE WAS A MAN!

YES! YES! THERE WAS A MAN! YOU KNOW, WHEN ELVIS DIED...

THERE WAS A MAN! YOU KNOW, WHEN ELVIS DIED... I THINK A SMALL PIECE OF ALL OF

YOU KNOW, WHEN ELVIS DIED... I THINK A SMALL PIECE OF ALL OF US DIED WITH HIM.

I THINK A SMALL PIECE OF ALL OF US DIED WITH HIM. I KNOW THAT'S HOW IT WAS WITH

US DIED WITH HIM. I KNOW THAT'S HOW IT WAS WITH ME.

I KNOW THAT'S HOW IT WAS WITH ME. I WAS HOME, WATCHING TELEVISION

ME. I WAS HOME, WATCHING TELEVISION THE OTHER AFTERNOON, AND I

I WAS HOME, WATCHING TELEVISION THE OTHER AFTERNOON, AND I HAPPENED TO CATCH "SPINOUT,"

THE OTHER AFTERNOON, AND I HAPPENED TO CATCH "SPINOUT," A GREAT PRESLEY MOVIE WITH AN

HAPPENED TO CATCH "SPINOUT," A GREAT PRESLEY MOVIE WITH AN INCREDIBLE CAST...

A GREAT PRESLEY MOVIE WITH AN INCREDIBLE CAST... NANCY SINATRA, BILL BIXBY.

INCREDIBLE CAST... NANCY SINATRA, BILL BIXBY. I WAS WATCHING THIS MOVIE, AND A

NANCY SINATRA, BILL BIXBY. I WAS WATCHING THIS MOVIE, AND A FUNNY THOUGHT OCCURRED TO ME.

I WAS WATCHING THIS MOVIE, AND A FUNNY THOUGHT OCCURRED TO ME. I THOUGHT, WHAT IF SOMEONE TOOK

FUNNY THOUGHT OCCURRED TO ME. I THOUGHT, WHAT IF SOMEONE TOOK STEEL NEEDLES, SAY, MM, 15, 18

I THOUGHT, WHAT IF SOMEONE TOOK STEEL NEEDLES, SAY, MM, 15, 18 INCHES LONG AND PLUNGED THEM...

STEEL NEEDLES, SAY, MM, 15, 18 INCHES LONG AND PLUNGED THEM... PLUNGED THEM INTO

INCHES LONG AND PLUNGED THEM... PLUNGED THEM INTO ELVIS PRESLEY'S EYES.

PLUNGED THEM INTO ELVIS PRESLEY'S EYES. WHAT WOULD HIS REACTION BE?

ELVIS PRESLEY'S EYES. WHAT WOULD HIS REACTION BE? WE CAN ONLY GUESS, BUT I THINK

WHAT WOULD HIS REACTION BE? WE CAN ONLY GUESS, BUT I THINK IT MIGHT GO SOMETHING LIKE

WE CAN ONLY GUESS, BUT I THINK IT MIGHT GO SOMETHING LIKE THIS...

AAH! AAH! AAH! AAH! AAH! AAH! [APPLAUSE]

AAH! AAH! AAH! [APPLAUSE] MICHAEL O'DONOGHUE.

[APPLAUSE] MICHAEL O'DONOGHUE. THANK YOU ALL.

[BAND PLAYS]