Original subtitles

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, IN THE

PAST FEW WEEKS, YOU MAY HAVE

BEEN READING AND HEARING REPORTS

THAT TALK ABOUT BAD TIMES AT

NBC.

THEY SAY THAT FRED SILVERMAN HAS BEEN PRESIDENT FOR ONE YEAR. INSTEAD OF GETTING THINGS

BEEN PRESIDENT FOR ONE YEAR. INSTEAD OF GETTING THINGS BETTER... MAKING THEM BETTER,

INSTEAD OF GETTING THINGS BETTER... MAKING THEM BETTER, HE'S ACTUALLY MADE THEM WORSE.

BETTER... MAKING THEM BETTER, HE'S ACTUALLY MADE THEM WORSE. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THIS IS

HE'S ACTUALLY MADE THEM WORSE. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THIS IS PARTIALLY NOT TRUE.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THIS IS PARTIALLY NOT TRUE. NOT ONE YEAR, I'VE ONLY BEEN

PARTIALLY NOT TRUE. NOT ONE YEAR, I'VE ONLY BEEN PRESIDENT FOR 11 MONTHS.

NOT ONE YEAR, I'VE ONLY BEEN PRESIDENT FOR 11 MONTHS. AND WHEN I TOOK OVER NBC 11

PRESIDENT FOR 11 MONTHS. AND WHEN I TOOK OVER NBC 11 SHORT MONTHS AGO, I DIDN'T

AND WHEN I TOOK OVER NBC 11 SHORT MONTHS AGO, I DIDN'T PROMISE ANY MIRACLES.

SHORT MONTHS AGO, I DIDN'T PROMISE ANY MIRACLES. I KNEW THAT I WAS TAKING ON A

PROMISE ANY MIRACLES. I KNEW THAT I WAS TAKING ON A CHALLENGE THAT WAS JUST ABOUT

I KNEW THAT I WAS TAKING ON A CHALLENGE THAT WAS JUST ABOUT IMPOSSIBLE TO WIN.

CHALLENGE THAT WAS JUST ABOUT IMPOSSIBLE TO WIN. I WAS GIVEN ABSOLUTELY NOTHING

IMPOSSIBLE TO WIN. I WAS GIVEN ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO WORK WITH.

I WAS GIVEN ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO WORK WITH. I INHERITED SHOWS THAT EVEN I

TO WORK WITH. I INHERITED SHOWS THAT EVEN I CONSIDERED STUPID AND INANE.

I INHERITED SHOWS THAT EVEN I CONSIDERED STUPID AND INANE. I SAID TO MYSELF, "IF ONLY I HAD

CONSIDERED STUPID AND INANE. I SAID TO MYSELF, "IF ONLY I HAD A 'MORK & MINDY.'

I SAID TO MYSELF, "IF ONLY I HAD A 'MORK & MINDY.' IF ONLY I HAD A

A 'MORK & MINDY.' IF ONLY I HAD A 'NEW NEWLYWED GAME.'"

IF ONLY I HAD A 'NEW NEWLYWED GAME.'" BUT WHEN I CAME TO THIS NETWORK,

'NEW NEWLYWED GAME.'" BUT WHEN I CAME TO THIS NETWORK, I DIDN'T EVEN HAVE A

BUT WHEN I CAME TO THIS NETWORK, I DIDN'T EVEN HAVE A "HELLO, LARRY."

I DIDN'T EVEN HAVE A "HELLO, LARRY." BUT NOW I DO.

"HELLO, LARRY." BUT NOW I DO. AND HOW ABOUT GARY COLEMAN, HUH?

BUT NOW I DO. AND HOW ABOUT GARY COLEMAN, HUH? WHERE DID HE COME FROM?

AND HOW ABOUT GARY COLEMAN, HUH? WHERE DID HE COME FROM? WHOSE IDEA WAS GARY COLEMAN?

WHERE DID HE COME FROM? WHOSE IDEA WAS GARY COLEMAN? IT WAS MINE. THAT'S WHO.

WHOSE IDEA WAS GARY COLEMAN? IT WAS MINE. THAT'S WHO. AND WAS IT WHO TALKED

IT WAS MINE. THAT'S WHO. AND WAS IT WHO TALKED JOHNNY CARSON OUT OF QUITTING?

AND WAS IT WHO TALKED JOHNNY CARSON OUT OF QUITTING? IT WAS ME. THAT'S WHO.

JOHNNY CARSON OUT OF QUITTING? IT WAS ME. THAT'S WHO. AND WHO WAS IT WHO TALKED

IT WAS ME. THAT'S WHO. AND WHO WAS IT WHO TALKED TOM SNYDER OUT OF QUITTING?

AND WHO WAS IT WHO TALKED TOM SNYDER OUT OF QUITTING? IT WAS ME. THAT'S WHO.

TOM SNYDER OUT OF QUITTING? IT WAS ME. THAT'S WHO. WHY DOESN'T ANYBODY... WHY

IT WAS ME. THAT'S WHO. WHY DOESN'T ANYBODY... WHY DOESN'T THE PRESS EVER MENTION

WHY DOESN'T ANYBODY... WHY DOESN'T THE PRESS EVER MENTION ANY OF MY SUCCESSES?

DOESN'T THE PRESS EVER MENTION ANY OF MY SUCCESSES? WHY DON'T THEY MENTION THAT I'M

ANY OF MY SUCCESSES? WHY DON'T THEY MENTION THAT I'M DEVELOPING A NEW LINEUP IN THE

WHY DON'T THEY MENTION THAT I'M DEVELOPING A NEW LINEUP IN THE FALL WITH EXCITING PERFORMERS

DEVELOPING A NEW LINEUP IN THE FALL WITH EXCITING PERFORMERS LIKE BOB HOPE AND ROBERT BLAKE?

FALL WITH EXCITING PERFORMERS LIKE BOB HOPE AND ROBERT BLAKE? YOU KNOW, THEY ONLY KEEP

LIKE BOB HOPE AND ROBERT BLAKE? YOU KNOW, THEY ONLY KEEP REPEATING THAT JOKE THAT IF

YOU KNOW, THEY ONLY KEEP REPEATING THAT JOKE THAT IF SOMEONE BROUGHT ME "HAMLET,"

REPEATING THAT JOKE THAT IF SOMEONE BROUGHT ME "HAMLET," THAT I'D PUT A DOG IN IT.

SOMEONE BROUGHT ME "HAMLET," THAT I'D PUT A DOG IN IT. I WOULDN'T PUT A DOG IN IT.

THAT I'D PUT A DOG IN IT. I WOULDN'T PUT A DOG IN IT. I MIGHT PUT GARY COLEMAN IN IT,

I WOULDN'T PUT A DOG IN IT. I MIGHT PUT GARY COLEMAN IN IT, THOUGH.

I MIGHT PUT GARY COLEMAN IN IT, THOUGH. HE'S BRILLIANT.

THOUGH. HE'S BRILLIANT. HE CAN DO ANYTHING.

HE'S BRILLIANT. HE CAN DO ANYTHING. I'VE GOTTEN TO KNOW THIS YOUNG

HE CAN DO ANYTHING. I'VE GOTTEN TO KNOW THIS YOUNG MAN OVER THE PAST 11 MONTHS, AND

I'VE GOTTEN TO KNOW THIS YOUNG MAN OVER THE PAST 11 MONTHS, AND I HAVE FOUND THAT BESIDES LIKING

MAN OVER THE PAST 11 MONTHS, AND I HAVE FOUND THAT BESIDES LIKING A LOT OF THE SAME FOODS, WE ALSO

I HAVE FOUND THAT BESIDES LIKING A LOT OF THE SAME FOODS, WE ALSO SHARE A SIMILAR TASTE IN

A LOT OF THE SAME FOODS, WE ALSO SHARE A SIMILAR TASTE IN PROGRAMMING.

SHARE A SIMILAR TASTE IN PROGRAMMING. IN FACT, WE ARE OF EXACTLY THE

PROGRAMMING. IN FACT, WE ARE OF EXACTLY THE SAME MIND IN ALMOST EVERYTHING.

IN FACT, WE ARE OF EXACTLY THE SAME MIND IN ALMOST EVERYTHING. I ONLY WISH I WOULD HAVE

SAME MIND IN ALMOST EVERYTHING. I ONLY WISH I WOULD HAVE LISTENED TO HIM ABOUT

I ONLY WISH I WOULD HAVE LISTENED TO HIM ABOUT "SUPERTRAIN."

LISTENED TO HIM ABOUT "SUPERTRAIN." UNLIKE A LOT OF PEOPLE AROUND

"SUPERTRAIN." UNLIKE A LOT OF PEOPLE AROUND HERE, HE'S NOT AFRAID TO VOICE

UNLIKE A LOT OF PEOPLE AROUND HERE, HE'S NOT AFRAID TO VOICE HIS OPINION.

HERE, HE'S NOT AFRAID TO VOICE HIS OPINION. HE'S A PERSON WHO'S NOT AFRAID

HIS OPINION. HE'S A PERSON WHO'S NOT AFRAID TO SAY, "I LIKE IT," OR, "I

HE'S A PERSON WHO'S NOT AFRAID TO SAY, "I LIKE IT," OR, "I DON'T LIKE IT," YOU KNOW?

TO SAY, "I LIKE IT," OR, "I DON'T LIKE IT," YOU KNOW? HIS DECISIVENESS HAS INSPIRED ME

DON'T LIKE IT," YOU KNOW? HIS DECISIVENESS HAS INSPIRED ME TO HAVE MORE FAITH IN MY OWN

HIS DECISIVENESS HAS INSPIRED ME TO HAVE MORE FAITH IN MY OWN PERSONAL TASTES AND OPINIONS.

TO HAVE MORE FAITH IN MY OWN PERSONAL TASTES AND OPINIONS. AND SO TODAY I AM NAMING

PERSONAL TASTES AND OPINIONS. AND SO TODAY I AM NAMING GARY COLEMAN AS MY NEW CHIEF

AND SO TODAY I AM NAMING GARY COLEMAN AS MY NEW CHIEF ASSISTANT WITH THE TITLE OF

GARY COLEMAN AS MY NEW CHIEF ASSISTANT WITH THE TITLE OF EXECUTIVE VICE PRESIDENT OF NBC.

ASSISTANT WITH THE TITLE OF EXECUTIVE VICE PRESIDENT OF NBC. GARY COLEMAN.

EXECUTIVE VICE PRESIDENT OF NBC. GARY COLEMAN. [APPLAUSE]

GARY COLEMAN. [APPLAUSE] SOME SAY... SOME SAY THAT GARY

[APPLAUSE] SOME SAY... SOME SAY THAT GARY IS TOO YOUNG TO BE A NETWORK

SOME SAY... SOME SAY THAT GARY IS TOO YOUNG TO BE A NETWORK EXECUTIVE.

IS TOO YOUNG TO BE A NETWORK EXECUTIVE. BUT SOME SAY, "NO, 11 IS OLD

EXECUTIVE. BUT SOME SAY, "NO, 11 IS OLD ENOUGH."

BUT SOME SAY, "NO, 11 IS OLD ENOUGH." PERSONALLY, I THINK AGE IS

ENOUGH." PERSONALLY, I THINK AGE IS UNIMPORTANT.

PERSONALLY, I THINK AGE IS UNIMPORTANT. IT'S WISDOM THAT COUNTS AND

UNIMPORTANT. IT'S WISDOM THAT COUNTS AND GUTS.

IT'S WISDOM THAT COUNTS AND GUTS. THAT'S WHY GARY AND I HAVE

GUTS. THAT'S WHY GARY AND I HAVE DECIDED TO TAKE A BOLD

THAT'S WHY GARY AND I HAVE DECIDED TO TAKE A BOLD PROGRAMMING GAMBLE AND MOVE MOST

DECIDED TO TAKE A BOLD PROGRAMMING GAMBLE AND MOVE MOST OF OUR SATURDAY-MORNING PROGRAMS

PROGRAMMING GAMBLE AND MOVE MOST OF OUR SATURDAY-MORNING PROGRAMS TO PRIME TIME IN THE FALL.

OF OUR SATURDAY-MORNING PROGRAMS TO PRIME TIME IN THE FALL. BUT NOW...

TO PRIME TIME IN THE FALL. BUT NOW... LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S

BUT NOW... LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S "SATURDAY NIGHT"!

LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S "SATURDAY NIGHT"! [BAND PLAYS]

Announcer: IT'S "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE."

WITH MICHAEL PALIN.

STARRING DAN AYKROYD... JOHN BELUSHI... JANE CURTIN...

JOHN BELUSHI... JANE CURTIN... GARRETT MORRIS...

JANE CURTIN... GARRETT MORRIS... BILL MURRAY...

GARRETT MORRIS... BILL MURRAY... LARAINE NEWMAN...

BILL MURRAY... LARAINE NEWMAN... AND GILDA RADNER.

WITH MUSICAL GUEST JAMES TAYLOR... AND A SPECIAL REPORT FROM

JAMES TAYLOR... AND A SPECIAL REPORT FROM FATHER GUIDO SARDUCCI.

AND A SPECIAL REPORT FROM FATHER GUIDO SARDUCCI. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

FATHER GUIDO SARDUCCI. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, MICHAEL PALIN!

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, MICHAEL PALIN! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

[MUSIC STOPS] THANK YOU. THANK YOU. THANK YOU.

THANK YOU. THANK YOU. THANK YOU. WONDERFUL.

THANK YOU. THANK YOU. WONDERFUL. IT'S... THANK YOU... GREAT TO BE

WONDERFUL. IT'S... THANK YOU... GREAT TO BE BACK.

IT'S... THANK YOU... GREAT TO BE BACK. IT REALLY IS.

BACK. IT REALLY IS. WELL, TOMORROW, AS YOU KNOW, IS

IT REALLY IS. WELL, TOMORROW, AS YOU KNOW, IS MOTHER'S DAY, AND I KNOW IT

WELL, TOMORROW, AS YOU KNOW, IS MOTHER'S DAY, AND I KNOW IT WOULD MAKE MY OWN MOTHER VERY

MOTHER'S DAY, AND I KNOW IT WOULD MAKE MY OWN MOTHER VERY HAPPY IF I COULD JUST MENTION

WOULD MAKE MY OWN MOTHER VERY HAPPY IF I COULD JUST MENTION HER A LITTLE IN THE OPENING

HAPPY IF I COULD JUST MENTION HER A LITTLE IN THE OPENING MONOLOGUE.

HER A LITTLE IN THE OPENING MONOLOGUE. I HOPE YOU WON'T MIND JUST A

MONOLOGUE. I HOPE YOU WON'T MIND JUST A LITTLE DISSERTATION ABOUT MY

I HOPE YOU WON'T MIND JUST A LITTLE DISSERTATION ABOUT MY MOTHER.

LITTLE DISSERTATION ABOUT MY MOTHER. SHE GAVE BIRTH TO ME IN MAY 1943

MOTHER. SHE GAVE BIRTH TO ME IN MAY 1943 RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE

SHE GAVE BIRTH TO ME IN MAY 1943 RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE SECOND WORLD WAR.

RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE SECOND WORLD WAR. TIMES WERE HARD THEN, YOU KNOW?

SECOND WORLD WAR. TIMES WERE HARD THEN, YOU KNOW? NO ONE IN ENGLAND REALLY KNEW

TIMES WERE HARD THEN, YOU KNOW? NO ONE IN ENGLAND REALLY KNEW WHICH WAY IT WAS GONNA GO AT THE

NO ONE IN ENGLAND REALLY KNEW WHICH WAY IT WAS GONNA GO AT THE TIME, WHICH IS WHY SHE

WHICH WAY IT WAS GONNA GO AT THE TIME, WHICH IS WHY SHE CHRISTENED ME

TIME, WHICH IS WHY SHE CHRISTENED ME MICHAEL GUNTER PALIN.

I DON'T USE THE "MICHAEL." WELL, LIKE ALL ENGLISH CHILDREN, I WAS SENT DOWN THE COAL MINES

WELL, LIKE ALL ENGLISH CHILDREN, I WAS SENT DOWN THE COAL MINES AT THE AGE OF 3.

I WAS SENT DOWN THE COAL MINES AT THE AGE OF 3. YEAH, MY MOM WOULD COME AND PICK

AT THE AGE OF 3. YEAH, MY MOM WOULD COME AND PICK ME UP FROM THE MINE SHAFT AT

YEAH, MY MOM WOULD COME AND PICK ME UP FROM THE MINE SHAFT AT 5:00.

ME UP FROM THE MINE SHAFT AT 5:00. SHE'D ALWAYS SAY THE SAME THING,

5:00. SHE'D ALWAYS SAY THE SAME THING, BLESS HER.

SHE'D ALWAYS SAY THE SAME THING, BLESS HER. [High-pitched voice] LOOK AT

BLESS HER. [High-pitched voice] LOOK AT YOU... YOU'RE FILTHY!

[High-pitched voice] LOOK AT YOU... YOU'RE FILTHY! [Normal voice] SMACK ME ON THE

YOU... YOU'RE FILTHY! [Normal voice] SMACK ME ON THE BACK OF THE HEAD WITH A RATION

[Normal voice] SMACK ME ON THE BACK OF THE HEAD WITH A RATION BOOK.

BACK OF THE HEAD WITH A RATION BOOK. THEN SHE'D CHANGE MY DIAPER AND

BOOK. THEN SHE'D CHANGE MY DIAPER AND DISCONNECT THE LITTLE MINER'S

THEN SHE'D CHANGE MY DIAPER AND DISCONNECT THE LITTLE MINER'S LAMP I HAD ON THE END AND SAY...

DISCONNECT THE LITTLE MINER'S LAMP I HAD ON THE END AND SAY... [High-pitched voice] "HOW MUCH

LAMP I HAD ON THE END AND SAY... [High-pitched voice] "HOW MUCH COAL DID YOU GET UP TODAY, THEN,

[High-pitched voice] "HOW MUCH COAL DID YOU GET UP TODAY, THEN, DARLING?"

COAL DID YOU GET UP TODAY, THEN, DARLING?" [Normal voice] WELL, YOU KNOW,

DARLING?" [Normal voice] WELL, YOU KNOW, WHEN YOU'RE 3, YOU REALLY CAN'T

[Normal voice] WELL, YOU KNOW, WHEN YOU'RE 3, YOU REALLY CAN'T GET MUCH COAL UP.

WHEN YOU'RE 3, YOU REALLY CAN'T GET MUCH COAL UP. YOU KNOW, THEY SEND YOU IN THERE

GET MUCH COAL UP. YOU KNOW, THEY SEND YOU IN THERE WITH A LITTLE PLASTIC SPOON AND

YOU KNOW, THEY SEND YOU IN THERE WITH A LITTLE PLASTIC SPOON AND A PUSHER, AND YOU'RE DIGGING

WITH A LITTLE PLASTIC SPOON AND A PUSHER, AND YOU'RE DIGGING AWAY, AND THEN THE LITTLE

A PUSHER, AND YOU'RE DIGGING AWAY, AND THEN THE LITTLE PLASTIC PUSHER SNAPS IN THE

AWAY, AND THEN THE LITTLE PLASTIC PUSHER SNAPS IN THE MIDDLE.

PLASTIC PUSHER SNAPS IN THE MIDDLE. REALLY, THE BEST YOU CAN DO IS

MIDDLE. REALLY, THE BEST YOU CAN DO IS ABOUT A HALF A HUNDREDWEIGHT A

REALLY, THE BEST YOU CAN DO IS ABOUT A HALF A HUNDREDWEIGHT A DAY UNTIL YOU'RE 5.

ABOUT A HALF A HUNDREDWEIGHT A DAY UNTIL YOU'RE 5. WELL, I WAS LUCKY BECAUSE I MET

DAY UNTIL YOU'RE 5. WELL, I WAS LUCKY BECAUSE I MET SOMEONE DOWN THE MINES WHO WAS

WELL, I WAS LUCKY BECAUSE I MET SOMEONE DOWN THE MINES WHO WAS REALLY TO CHANGE MY WHOLE LIFE.

SOMEONE DOWN THE MINES WHO WAS REALLY TO CHANGE MY WHOLE LIFE. HE WAS A BIGGER BABY THEN ME...

REALLY TO CHANGE MY WHOLE LIFE. HE WAS A BIGGER BABY THEN ME... YOU KNOW, REALLY BIG.

HE WAS A BIGGER BABY THEN ME... YOU KNOW, REALLY BIG. HE HAD ALL HIS TEETH, AND HE

YOU KNOW, REALLY BIG. HE HAD ALL HIS TEETH, AND HE DIDN'T WET HIS DIAPER.

HE HAD ALL HIS TEETH, AND HE DIDN'T WET HIS DIAPER. HE HAD SOMEONE TO DO IT FOR HIM.

DIDN'T WET HIS DIAPER. HE HAD SOMEONE TO DO IT FOR HIM. ONE DAY WHEN HE AND I WERE

HE HAD SOMEONE TO DO IT FOR HIM. ONE DAY WHEN HE AND I WERE WORKING ON THE NIGHT SHIFT, THIS

ONE DAY WHEN HE AND I WERE WORKING ON THE NIGHT SHIFT, THIS BIG BABY... VINCE WAS HIS

WORKING ON THE NIGHT SHIFT, THIS BIG BABY... VINCE WAS HIS NAME... HE CAME UP TO ME, AND HE

BIG BABY... VINCE WAS HIS NAME... HE CAME UP TO ME, AND HE SAID, "WE HAVE TO GET ORGANIZED.

NAME... HE CAME UP TO ME, AND HE SAID, "WE HAVE TO GET ORGANIZED. WE BABIES HAVE BEEN EXPLOITED

SAID, "WE HAVE TO GET ORGANIZED. WE BABIES HAVE BEEN EXPLOITED FOR TOO LONG.

WE BABIES HAVE BEEN EXPLOITED FOR TOO LONG. DID YOU NOTICE THEY WERE USING

FOR TOO LONG. DID YOU NOTICE THEY WERE USING SOME OF THE TALLER BABIES FOR

DID YOU NOTICE THEY WERE USING SOME OF THE TALLER BABIES FOR TUNNEL SUPPORTS?"

SOME OF THE TALLER BABIES FOR TUNNEL SUPPORTS?" SO, WE FOUNDED B.A.M.B.I... THE

TUNNEL SUPPORTS?" SO, WE FOUNDED B.A.M.B.I... THE BRITISH ASSOCIATION OF

SO, WE FOUNDED B.A.M.B.I... THE BRITISH ASSOCIATION OF MINE-WORKING BABIES.

BRITISH ASSOCIATION OF MINE-WORKING BABIES. AND WE FOUGHT FOR STEEL PUSHERS

MINE-WORKING BABIES. AND WE FOUGHT FOR STEEL PUSHERS AND BLAST-PROOF PACIFIERS...

AND WE FOUGHT FOR STEEL PUSHERS AND BLAST-PROOF PACIFIERS... THAT SORT OF THING.

AND BLAST-PROOF PACIFIERS... THAT SORT OF THING. STILL, THOSE WERE THE GOOD DAYS.

THAT SORT OF THING. STILL, THOSE WERE THE GOOD DAYS. THEN MY MOTHER WAS... SHE

STILL, THOSE WERE THE GOOD DAYS. THEN MY MOTHER WAS... SHE STARTED WORK ON A BOOK ABOUT

THEN MY MOTHER WAS... SHE STARTED WORK ON A BOOK ABOUT DEPRIVED CHILDREN, SO I WAS SENT

STARTED WORK ON A BOOK ABOUT DEPRIVED CHILDREN, SO I WAS SENT AWAY FROM HOME TO GIVE HER MORE

DEPRIVED CHILDREN, SO I WAS SENT AWAY FROM HOME TO GIVE HER MORE TIME TO WRITE.

AWAY FROM HOME TO GIVE HER MORE TIME TO WRITE. I WAS SENT TO A SCHOOL MILES

TIME TO WRITE. I WAS SENT TO A SCHOOL MILES AWAY FROM ANYWHERE CALLED THE

I WAS SENT TO A SCHOOL MILES AWAY FROM ANYWHERE CALLED THE PURGATORY ACADEMY FOR THE SONS

AWAY FROM ANYWHERE CALLED THE PURGATORY ACADEMY FOR THE SONS OF THE ABOMINABLY CRUEL.

PURGATORY ACADEMY FOR THE SONS OF THE ABOMINABLY CRUEL. THE IDEA, OF COURSE, WAS TO, YOU

OF THE ABOMINABLY CRUEL. THE IDEA, OF COURSE, WAS TO, YOU KNOW, MAKE A MAN OUT OF YOU.

THE IDEA, OF COURSE, WAS TO, YOU KNOW, MAKE A MAN OUT OF YOU. I WAS ONE OF THE LUCKY ONES.

KNOW, MAKE A MAN OUT OF YOU. I WAS ONE OF THE LUCKY ONES. IT JUST ABOUT KILLED SHARON AND

I WAS ONE OF THE LUCKY ONES. IT JUST ABOUT KILLED SHARON AND MARGARET.

IT JUST ABOUT KILLED SHARON AND MARGARET. WELL, I STUDIED HARD, AND MY

MARGARET. WELL, I STUDIED HARD, AND MY MAIN SUBJECT WAS CARPENTRY.

WELL, I STUDIED HARD, AND MY MAIN SUBJECT WAS CARPENTRY. IN FACT, THAT WAS ONE OF THE

MAIN SUBJECT WAS CARPENTRY. IN FACT, THAT WAS ONE OF THE ONLY THREE SUBJECTS THAT THEY

IN FACT, THAT WAS ONE OF THE ONLY THREE SUBJECTS THAT THEY TAUGHT AT PURGATORY ACADEMY.

ONLY THREE SUBJECTS THAT THEY TAUGHT AT PURGATORY ACADEMY. THE OTHER TWO WERE BRICKLAYING

TAUGHT AT PURGATORY ACADEMY. THE OTHER TWO WERE BRICKLAYING AND PLUMBING.

THE OTHER TWO WERE BRICKLAYING AND PLUMBING. THE HEADMASTER PROMISED THAT

AND PLUMBING. THE HEADMASTER PROMISED THAT WHEN WE FINISHED BUILDING THE

THE HEADMASTER PROMISED THAT WHEN WE FINISHED BUILDING THE SCHOOL, HE'D TEACH US GARDENING

WHEN WE FINISHED BUILDING THE SCHOOL, HE'D TEACH US GARDENING AND MAINTENANCE AND A FEW OTHER

SCHOOL, HE'D TEACH US GARDENING AND MAINTENANCE AND A FEW OTHER THINGS.

AND MAINTENANCE AND A FEW OTHER THINGS. BUT MY MOTHER STILL... SHE WAS

THINGS. BUT MY MOTHER STILL... SHE WAS STILL USED TO WRITING ME EVERY

BUT MY MOTHER STILL... SHE WAS STILL USED TO WRITING ME EVERY DAY.

STILL USED TO WRITING ME EVERY DAY. SOMETIMES SHE WANTED 5 POUNDS,

DAY. SOMETIMES SHE WANTED 5 POUNDS, SOMETIMES 15 POUNDS.

SOMETIMES SHE WANTED 5 POUNDS, SOMETIMES 15 POUNDS. EVENTUALLY IT BECAME REALLY

SOMETIMES 15 POUNDS. EVENTUALLY IT BECAME REALLY EMBARRASSING... HUGE AMOUNTS...

EVENTUALLY IT BECAME REALLY EMBARRASSING... HUGE AMOUNTS... 2,000, 3,000 POUNDS.

EMBARRASSING... HUGE AMOUNTS... 2,000, 3,000 POUNDS. BLACKMAIL NOTES, TOO.

2,000, 3,000 POUNDS. BLACKMAIL NOTES, TOO. [High-pitched voice] I'M YOUR

BLACKMAIL NOTES, TOO. [High-pitched voice] I'M YOUR MOTHER!

[High-pitched voice] I'M YOUR MOTHER! DOESN'T THAT MEAN ANYTHING TO

MOTHER! DOESN'T THAT MEAN ANYTHING TO YOU?!

DOESN'T THAT MEAN ANYTHING TO YOU?! [Normal voice] ANYWAY, THAT'S

YOU?! [Normal voice] ANYWAY, THAT'S WHY I HAVE TO KEEP DOING THIS

[Normal voice] ANYWAY, THAT'S WHY I HAVE TO KEEP DOING THIS SORT OF JOB.

WHY I HAVE TO KEEP DOING THIS SORT OF JOB. SHE COSTS ME A FORTUNE.

SORT OF JOB. SHE COSTS ME A FORTUNE. BUT DON'T WORRY... I HAVE

SHE COSTS ME A FORTUNE. BUT DON'T WORRY... I HAVE SOMEONE HERE WHO'S NEVER MET MY

BUT DON'T WORRY... I HAVE SOMEONE HERE WHO'S NEVER MET MY MOTHER BEFORE.

SOMEONE HERE WHO'S NEVER MET MY MOTHER BEFORE. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, A BIG HAND

MOTHER BEFORE. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, A BIG HAND TO JAMES TAYLOR.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, A BIG HAND TO JAMES TAYLOR. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

TO JAMES TAYLOR. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] [INTRO TO "JOHNNIE COMES BACK"

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] [INTRO TO "JOHNNIE COMES BACK" PLAYS]

♪ ALL LAST WEEK AND HALF OF TODAY ♪ ♪ JOHNNIE HAS BEEN A GOOD LITTLE

TODAY ♪ ♪ JOHNNIE HAS BEEN A GOOD LITTLE GIRL ♪

♪ JOHNNIE HAS BEEN A GOOD LITTLE GIRL ♪ ♪ TRYING TO KEEP HER DEVILS AT

GIRL ♪ ♪ TRYING TO KEEP HER DEVILS AT BAY ♪

♪ TRYING TO KEEP HER DEVILS AT BAY ♪ ♪ WATCHING HER HEALTH RETURN ♪

BAY ♪ ♪ WATCHING HER HEALTH RETURN ♪ ♪ BUT SHE ALWAYS COMES BACK FOR

♪ WATCHING HER HEALTH RETURN ♪ ♪ BUT SHE ALWAYS COMES BACK FOR MORE ♪

♪ BUT SHE ALWAYS COMES BACK FOR MORE ♪ ♪ HANGING HER HEAD AND BANGING

MORE ♪ ♪ HANGING HER HEAD AND BANGING MY DOOR ♪

♪ HANGING HER HEAD AND BANGING MY DOOR ♪ ♪ JOHNNIE COMES BACK AGAIN ♪

MY DOOR ♪ ♪ JOHNNIE COMES BACK AGAIN ♪ ♪ I'LL SAY, JOHNNIE, REMEMBER ♪

♪ JOHNNIE COMES BACK AGAIN ♪ ♪ I'LL SAY, JOHNNIE, REMEMBER ♪ ♪ OH, JOHNNIE, BE GOOD ♪

♪ I'LL SAY, JOHNNIE, REMEMBER ♪ ♪ OH, JOHNNIE, BE GOOD ♪ ♪ TAKE CARE OF YOUR

♪ OH, JOHNNIE, BE GOOD ♪ ♪ TAKE CARE OF YOUR MEDICINE MAN ♪

♪ TAKE CARE OF YOUR MEDICINE MAN ♪ ♪ OH, JOHNNIE COMES BACK AGAIN ♪

MEDICINE MAN ♪ ♪ OH, JOHNNIE COMES BACK AGAIN ♪ ♪ WHERE DID SHE GET THAT TEAR IN

♪ OH, JOHNNIE COMES BACK AGAIN ♪ ♪ WHERE DID SHE GET THAT TEAR IN HER EYE? ♪

♪ WHERE DID SHE GET THAT TEAR IN HER EYE? ♪ ♪ WHOEVER SAID SHE COULD LEAVE

HER EYE? ♪ ♪ WHOEVER SAID SHE COULD LEAVE ME? ♪

♪ WHOEVER SAID SHE COULD LEAVE ME? ♪ ♪ WHERE DID SHE LEARN TO SAY

ME? ♪ ♪ WHERE DID SHE LEARN TO SAY GOODBYE? ♪

♪ WHERE DID SHE LEARN TO SAY GOODBYE? ♪ ♪ SHE'S BEEN WATCHING TOO MUCH

GOODBYE? ♪ ♪ SHE'S BEEN WATCHING TOO MUCH TV ♪

♪ SHE'S BEEN WATCHING TOO MUCH TV ♪ ♪ SHE ONLY SHOWS UP FOR MEALS,

TV ♪ ♪ SHE ONLY SHOWS UP FOR MEALS, MY MEDICINE CHEST, AND MY

♪ SHE ONLY SHOWS UP FOR MEALS, MY MEDICINE CHEST, AND MY AUTOMOBILES ♪

MY MEDICINE CHEST, AND MY AUTOMOBILES ♪ ♪ JOHNNIE COMES BACK AGAIN ♪

AUTOMOBILES ♪ ♪ JOHNNIE COMES BACK AGAIN ♪ ♪ AND I'LL SAY, JOHNNIE,

♪ JOHNNIE COMES BACK AGAIN ♪ ♪ AND I'LL SAY, JOHNNIE, REMEMBER, REMEMBER ♪

♪ AND I'LL SAY, JOHNNIE, REMEMBER, REMEMBER ♪ ♪ OH, YEAH ♪

REMEMBER, REMEMBER ♪ ♪ OH, YEAH ♪ ♪ JOHNNIE, BE GOOD, BE GOOD ♪

♪ OH, YEAH ♪ ♪ JOHNNIE, BE GOOD, BE GOOD ♪ ♪ PLEASE GIVE ME MY MEDICINE

♪ JOHNNIE, BE GOOD, BE GOOD ♪ ♪ PLEASE GIVE ME MY MEDICINE MAN, NOW ♪

♪ PLEASE GIVE ME MY MEDICINE MAN, NOW ♪ ♪ OH, JOHNNIE COMES BACK AGAIN ♪

MAN, NOW ♪ ♪ OH, JOHNNIE COMES BACK AGAIN ♪ ♪ ME, I'M JUST AN EVIL DEMON ♪

♪ OH, JOHNNIE COMES BACK AGAIN ♪ ♪ ME, I'M JUST AN EVIL DEMON ♪ ♪ I'M PLAYING ON HER WEAKNESS ♪

♪ ME, I'M JUST AN EVIL DEMON ♪ ♪ I'M PLAYING ON HER WEAKNESS ♪ ♪ COUNTING ON HER SICKNESS ♪

♪ I'M PLAYING ON HER WEAKNESS ♪ ♪ COUNTING ON HER SICKNESS ♪ ♪ TO BRING HER HOME AGAIN ♪

♪ TO USE ME UP AND TO ROB ME BLIND ♪ ♪ I GUESS IT SHOULDN'T SURPRISE

BLIND ♪ ♪ I GUESS IT SHOULDN'T SURPRISE ME ♪

♪ I GUESS IT SHOULDN'T SURPRISE ME ♪ ♪ FIGHTING AND FLASHING LIKE A

ME ♪ ♪ FIGHTING AND FLASHING LIKE A FISH ON A LINE ♪

♪ FIGHTING AND FLASHING LIKE A FISH ON A LINE ♪ ♪ MY GOD, SHE MUST DESPISE ME ♪

FISH ON A LINE ♪ ♪ MY GOD, SHE MUST DESPISE ME ♪ ♪ BUT SHE ALWAYS COMES BACK

♪ MY GOD, SHE MUST DESPISE ME ♪ ♪ BUT SHE ALWAYS COMES BACK AGAIN ♪

♪ BUT SHE ALWAYS COMES BACK AGAIN ♪ ♪ IT WON'T BE LONG TILL SHE'S

AGAIN ♪ ♪ IT WON'T BE LONG TILL SHE'S GONE AGAIN ♪

♪ IT WON'T BE LONG TILL SHE'S GONE AGAIN ♪ ♪ JOHNNIE COMES BACK AGAIN ♪

GONE AGAIN ♪ ♪ JOHNNIE COMES BACK AGAIN ♪ ♪ I'LL SAY, JOHNNIE, REMEMBER,

♪ JOHNNIE COMES BACK AGAIN ♪ ♪ I'LL SAY, JOHNNIE, REMEMBER, REMEMBER ♪

♪ I'LL SAY, JOHNNIE, REMEMBER, REMEMBER ♪ ♪ OH, YEAH ♪

REMEMBER ♪ ♪ OH, YEAH ♪ ♪ JOHNNIE, BE GOOD, BE GOOD ♪

♪ OH, YEAH ♪ ♪ JOHNNIE, BE GOOD, BE GOOD ♪ ♪ PLEASE GIVE ME MY MEDICINE

♪ JOHNNIE, BE GOOD, BE GOOD ♪ ♪ PLEASE GIVE ME MY MEDICINE MAN ♪

♪ PLEASE GIVE ME MY MEDICINE MAN ♪ ♪ OH, JOHNNIE COMES BACK AGAIN

MAN ♪ ♪ OH, JOHNNIE COMES BACK AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN ♪

♪ OH, JOHNNIE COMES BACK AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN ♪ ♪ OH, NOW, NOW ♪

AND AGAIN AND AGAIN ♪ ♪ OH, NOW, NOW ♪ ♪ JOHNNIE, REMEMBER ♪

♪ OH, NOW, NOW ♪ ♪ JOHNNIE, REMEMBER ♪ ♪ WHOO ♪

♪ JOHNNIE, REMEMBER ♪ ♪ WHOO ♪ ♪ JOHNNIE, BE GOOD ♪

♪ WHOO ♪ ♪ JOHNNIE, BE GOOD ♪ ♪ COME ON, NOW ♪

♪ JOHNNIE, BE GOOD ♪ ♪ COME ON, NOW ♪ ♪ JOHNNIE, REMEMBER ♪

♪ COME ON, NOW ♪ ♪ JOHNNIE, REMEMBER ♪ ♪ GOOD OLD JOHNNIE, BE GOOD ♪

♪ JOHNNIE, REMEMBER ♪ ♪ GOOD OLD JOHNNIE, BE GOOD ♪ ♪ OH, YEAH ♪

♪ GOOD OLD JOHNNIE, BE GOOD ♪ ♪ OH, YEAH ♪ ♪ COME ON BACK AND ABUSE ME ♪

♪ OH, YEAH ♪ ♪ COME ON BACK AND ABUSE ME ♪ ♪ DRINK MY HEART AND USE ME ♪

♪ COME ON BACK AND ABUSE ME ♪ ♪ DRINK MY HEART AND USE ME ♪ ♪ REMEMBER, BABY, DON'T EVER

♪ DRINK MY HEART AND USE ME ♪ ♪ REMEMBER, BABY, DON'T EVER LOSE ME ♪

♪ REMEMBER, BABY, DON'T EVER LOSE ME ♪ ♪ 'CAUSE YOU'RE OUT IN THE

LOSE ME ♪ ♪ 'CAUSE YOU'RE OUT IN THE STREETS ♪

♪ 'CAUSE YOU'RE OUT IN THE STREETS ♪ ♪ OH ♪

STREETS ♪ ♪ OH ♪ ♪ OH, NOW, NOW, NOW ♪

♪ OH ♪ ♪ OH, NOW, NOW, NOW ♪ ♪ JOHNNIE, BE GOOD ♪

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

Announcer: TONIGHT "FAMILY CLASSICS" CONTINUES ITS SECOND SEASON WITH PART TWO OF

"FAMILY CLASSICS" CONTINUES ITS SECOND SEASON WITH PART TWO OF THE NEW DICKENS NOVEL,

SECOND SEASON WITH PART TWO OF THE NEW DICKENS NOVEL, "MILES COWPERTHWAITE."

"MILES COWPERTHWAITE" BY CHARLES DICKENS, AS TOLD TO ROBERT LOUIS STEVENSON AND

CHARLES DICKENS, AS TOLD TO ROBERT LOUIS STEVENSON AND RAFAEL SABATINI.

ROBERT LOUIS STEVENSON AND RAFAEL SABATINI. "THE WRETCHED BIRTH,

RAFAEL SABATINI. "THE WRETCHED BIRTH, MISERABLE CHILDHOOD, AGONIZINGLY

"THE WRETCHED BIRTH, MISERABLE CHILDHOOD, AGONIZINGLY PAINFUL ADOLESCENCE, AND

MISERABLE CHILDHOOD, AGONIZINGLY PAINFUL ADOLESCENCE, AND APPALLINGLY VILE AND DEGRADING

PAINFUL ADOLESCENCE, AND APPALLINGLY VILE AND DEGRADING DEATH OF MILES COWPERTHWAITE."

APPALLINGLY VILE AND DEGRADING DEATH OF MILES COWPERTHWAITE." CHAPTER TWO...

DEATH OF MILES COWPERTHWAITE." CHAPTER TWO... "I AM NAILED TO THE HULL."

CHAPTER TWO... "I AM NAILED TO THE HULL." "IT HAVING BEEN DETERMINED BY MY

"I AM NAILED TO THE HULL." "IT HAVING BEEN DETERMINED BY MY BENEFACTOR THAT A TERM OF

"IT HAVING BEEN DETERMINED BY MY BENEFACTOR THAT A TERM OF SERVICE AT SEA WOULD MAKE A MAN

BENEFACTOR THAT A TERM OF SERVICE AT SEA WOULD MAKE A MAN OF ME, I ACCORDINGLY LEFT

SERVICE AT SEA WOULD MAKE A MAN OF ME, I ACCORDINGLY LEFT PINKNEY HALL IN THE COMPANY OF

OF ME, I ACCORDINGLY LEFT PINKNEY HALL IN THE COMPANY OF CAPTAIN NED AND PUT OUT FROM

PINKNEY HALL IN THE COMPANY OF CAPTAIN NED AND PUT OUT FROM BRISTOL ABOARD HIS SHIP,

CAPTAIN NED AND PUT OUT FROM BRISTOL ABOARD HIS SHIP, THE RAGING QUEEN.

BRISTOL ABOARD HIS SHIP, THE RAGING QUEEN. CAPTAIN NED, I LEARNED FROM MY

THE RAGING QUEEN. CAPTAIN NED, I LEARNED FROM MY SHIPMATES, WAS A VERY MANLY,

CAPTAIN NED, I LEARNED FROM MY SHIPMATES, WAS A VERY MANLY, VIRILE, MANFUL PERSON AND A FIRM

SHIPMATES, WAS A VERY MANLY, VIRILE, MANFUL PERSON AND A FIRM BELIEVER IN STRICT DISCIPLINE,

VIRILE, MANFUL PERSON AND A FIRM BELIEVER IN STRICT DISCIPLINE, CORPORAL PUNISHMENT, AND NUDE

BELIEVER IN STRICT DISCIPLINE, CORPORAL PUNISHMENT, AND NUDE APARTMENT WRESTLING.

CORPORAL PUNISHMENT, AND NUDE APARTMENT WRESTLING. HOW TRULY STRICT HE WAS I

APARTMENT WRESTLING. HOW TRULY STRICT HE WAS I LEARNED ON OUR FIRST DAY OUT OF

HOW TRULY STRICT HE WAS I LEARNED ON OUR FIRST DAY OUT OF PORT WHEN THE FIRST MATE CALLED

LEARNED ON OUR FIRST DAY OUT OF PORT WHEN THE FIRST MATE CALLED ALL HANDS ON DECK FOR AN

PORT WHEN THE FIRST MATE CALLED ALL HANDS ON DECK FOR AN IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT."

ALL HANDS ON DECK FOR AN IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT." [BELL RINGS]

IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT." [BELL RINGS] ALL RIGHT, PLEASE.

[BELL RINGS] ALL RIGHT, PLEASE. EVERYBODY, PLEASE.

ALL RIGHT, PLEASE. EVERYBODY, PLEASE. WELCOME ABOARD THE RAGING QUEEN.

EVERYBODY, PLEASE. WELCOME ABOARD THE RAGING QUEEN. NOW, OF COURSE, I CAN'T POSSIBLY

WELCOME ABOARD THE RAGING QUEEN. NOW, OF COURSE, I CAN'T POSSIBLY INTRODUCE EVERYBODY, SO YOU'RE

NOW, OF COURSE, I CAN'T POSSIBLY INTRODUCE EVERYBODY, SO YOU'RE JUST GOING TO HAVE TO WEAR YOUR

INTRODUCE EVERYBODY, SO YOU'RE JUST GOING TO HAVE TO WEAR YOUR LITTLE NAME TAGS.

JUST GOING TO HAVE TO WEAR YOUR LITTLE NAME TAGS. AND IF THAT'S THE WORST THING

LITTLE NAME TAGS. AND IF THAT'S THE WORST THING YOU WEAR ON THIS VOYAGE, YOU'RE

AND IF THAT'S THE WORST THING YOU WEAR ON THIS VOYAGE, YOU'RE LUCKY.

YOU WEAR ON THIS VOYAGE, YOU'RE LUCKY. NOW, BEFORE WE INTRODUCE

LUCKY. NOW, BEFORE WE INTRODUCE CAPTAIN NED, THERE'S SOME QUICHE

NOW, BEFORE WE INTRODUCE CAPTAIN NED, THERE'S SOME QUICHE OVER HERE AND SOME SALAD AND

CAPTAIN NED, THERE'S SOME QUICHE OVER HERE AND SOME SALAD AND SOME BANANA BREAD IN THE HOLD,

OVER HERE AND SOME SALAD AND SOME BANANA BREAD IN THE HOLD, AND THERE SHOULD BE A WHEEL OF

SOME BANANA BREAD IN THE HOLD, AND THERE SHOULD BE A WHEEL OF BRIE AROUND IF SOMEONE HASN'T

AND THERE SHOULD BE A WHEEL OF BRIE AROUND IF SOMEONE HASN'T EATEN IT.

BRIE AROUND IF SOMEONE HASN'T EATEN IT. BUT NOW HERE IS OUR OWN

EATEN IT. BUT NOW HERE IS OUR OWN CAPTAIN NED!

BUT NOW HERE IS OUR OWN CAPTAIN NED! [CHEERING]

CAPTAIN NED! [CHEERING] THANK YOU.

[CHEERING] THANK YOU. THANK YOU, MR. SPUNK.

THANK YOU. THANK YOU, MR. SPUNK. GENTLEMEN, WE HAVE ON BOARD A

THANK YOU, MR. SPUNK. GENTLEMEN, WE HAVE ON BOARD A YOUNG MAN WHOSE NAME IS

GENTLEMEN, WE HAVE ON BOARD A YOUNG MAN WHOSE NAME IS MILES COWPERTHWAITE, AND I HAVE

YOUNG MAN WHOSE NAME IS MILES COWPERTHWAITE, AND I HAVE PROMISED HIS GUARDIAN TO TEACH

MILES COWPERTHWAITE, AND I HAVE PROMISED HIS GUARDIAN TO TEACH HIM THE MAN'S LIFE OF THE SEA.

PROMISED HIS GUARDIAN TO TEACH HIM THE MAN'S LIFE OF THE SEA. TO SHOW HIM MAN'S PORTS SUCH AS

HIM THE MAN'S LIFE OF THE SEA. TO SHOW HIM MAN'S PORTS SUCH AS MYKONOS, KEY WEST, AND

TO SHOW HIM MAN'S PORTS SUCH AS MYKONOS, KEY WEST, AND SAN FRANCISCO.

MYKONOS, KEY WEST, AND SAN FRANCISCO. I EXPECT HIM TO BE TREATED

SAN FRANCISCO. I EXPECT HIM TO BE TREATED MANFULLY.

I EXPECT HIM TO BE TREATED MANFULLY. WELL, MILES, DO YOU HAVE

MANFULLY. WELL, MILES, DO YOU HAVE ANYTHING TO SAY?

WELL, MILES, DO YOU HAVE ANYTHING TO SAY? WELL, I'M VERY GRATEFUL FOR

ANYTHING TO SAY? WELL, I'M VERY GRATEFUL FOR THIS OPPORTUNITY, CAPTAIN NED.

WELL, I'M VERY GRATEFUL FOR THIS OPPORTUNITY, CAPTAIN NED. UP TILL NOW, MY LIFE HAVE BEEN

THIS OPPORTUNITY, CAPTAIN NED. UP TILL NOW, MY LIFE HAVE BEEN THE MOST DEGRADING, PATHETIC,

UP TILL NOW, MY LIFE HAVE BEEN THE MOST DEGRADING, PATHETIC, SOUL-DESTROYING, HUMILIATING,

THE MOST DEGRADING, PATHETIC, SOUL-DESTROYING, HUMILIATING, AWFUL GROVEL.

SOUL-DESTROYING, HUMILIATING, AWFUL GROVEL. THAT'S ENOUGH, MILES...

AWFUL GROVEL. THAT'S ENOUGH, MILES... ENOUGH.

THAT'S ENOUGH, MILES... ENOUGH. NOW, MEN, I RUN A MEN'S SHIP!

ENOUGH. NOW, MEN, I RUN A MEN'S SHIP! I WILL RUN IT IN A MANFUL AND

NOW, MEN, I RUN A MEN'S SHIP! I WILL RUN IT IN A MANFUL AND MASCULINE WAY.

I WILL RUN IT IN A MANFUL AND MASCULINE WAY. I WILL TOLERATE NO MEN UNDER MY

MASCULINE WAY. I WILL TOLERATE NO MEN UNDER MY COMMAND WHO ACT IN SUCH A WAY AS

I WILL TOLERATE NO MEN UNDER MY COMMAND WHO ACT IN SUCH A WAY AS TO DISCREDIT THEIR MANHOOD AND

COMMAND WHO ACT IN SUCH A WAY AS TO DISCREDIT THEIR MANHOOD AND MANLINESS!

TO DISCREDIT THEIR MANHOOD AND MANLINESS! DO I MAKE MYSELF CLEAR?!

MANLINESS! DO I MAKE MYSELF CLEAR?! THREE CHEERS FOR CAPTAIN NED!

DO I MAKE MYSELF CLEAR?! THREE CHEERS FOR CAPTAIN NED! All: HIP, HIP, HOORAY!

THREE CHEERS FOR CAPTAIN NED! All: HIP, HIP, HOORAY! HIP, HIP, HOORAY!

All: HIP, HIP, HOORAY! HIP, HIP, HOORAY! HIP, HIP, HOORAY!

HIP, HIP, HOORAY! HIP, HIP, HOORAY! "IF THERE WERE ANY DOUBTS AS

HIP, HIP, HOORAY! "IF THERE WERE ANY DOUBTS AS TO CAPTAIN NED'S SEVERITY, THEY

"IF THERE WERE ANY DOUBTS AS TO CAPTAIN NED'S SEVERITY, THEY WERE QUICKLY DISPELLED THAT VERY

TO CAPTAIN NED'S SEVERITY, THEY WERE QUICKLY DISPELLED THAT VERY AFTERNOON WHEN A SCUFFLE BROKE

WERE QUICKLY DISPELLED THAT VERY AFTERNOON WHEN A SCUFFLE BROKE OUT ON DECK."

THAT'S MY SPAWNING! YOU'RE IN MY SUNNING SPOT. THAT'S MY SPOT.

YOU'RE IN MY SUNNING SPOT. THAT'S MY SPOT. WHERE'S MY TOWEL?

THAT'S MY SPOT. WHERE'S MY TOWEL? YOU'RE DAFT, MATE!

WHERE'S MY TOWEL? YOU'RE DAFT, MATE! DON'T YOU...

YOU'RE DAFT, MATE! DON'T YOU... I'VE BEEN HERE ALL MORNING.

DON'T YOU... I'VE BEEN HERE ALL MORNING. NOW RUN ALONG... YOU'RE BLOCKING

I'VE BEEN HERE ALL MORNING. NOW RUN ALONG... YOU'RE BLOCKING MY SUN.

NOW RUN ALONG... YOU'RE BLOCKING MY SUN. DON'T YOU GIVE ME ANY

MY SUN. DON'T YOU GIVE ME ANY BACK-SASS, YOU TAN TEASE.

DON'T YOU GIVE ME ANY BACK-SASS, YOU TAN TEASE. THIS IS MY SPOT!

BACK-SASS, YOU TAN TEASE. THIS IS MY SPOT! NO, IT IS NOT!

THIS IS MY SPOT! NO, IT IS NOT! IT IS MINE!

NO, IT IS NOT! IT IS MINE! YOU VICIOUS BLACKAMOOR!

IT IS MINE! YOU VICIOUS BLACKAMOOR! FIGHT!

YOU VICIOUS BLACKAMOOR! FIGHT! FIGHT!

FIGHT! FIGHT! STOP THIS NOW!

FIGHT! STOP THIS NOW! MR. HODO, MR. SPUNK, IS THIS HOW

STOP THIS NOW! MR. HODO, MR. SPUNK, IS THIS HOW MEN ACT ON A MAN'S SHIP?

MR. HODO, MR. SPUNK, IS THIS HOW MEN ACT ON A MAN'S SHIP? WHERE IS YOUR MANLINESS?

MEN ACT ON A MAN'S SHIP? WHERE IS YOUR MANLINESS? FIGHTING ON DECK IS A SERIOUS

WHERE IS YOUR MANLINESS? FIGHTING ON DECK IS A SERIOUS BREACH OF MY ARTICLES OF STRICT

FIGHTING ON DECK IS A SERIOUS BREACH OF MY ARTICLES OF STRICT DISCIPLINE.

BREACH OF MY ARTICLES OF STRICT DISCIPLINE. I'M AFRAID THE GUILTY PARTY IS

DISCIPLINE. I'M AFRAID THE GUILTY PARTY IS IN FOR A VERY SEVERE PUNISHMENT.

I'M AFRAID THE GUILTY PARTY IS IN FOR A VERY SEVERE PUNISHMENT. WELL, MR. HODO?

IN FOR A VERY SEVERE PUNISHMENT. WELL, MR. HODO? CAPTAIN NED, SIR, I DID

WELL, MR. HODO? CAPTAIN NED, SIR, I DID INDEED TAKE MR. SPUNK'S SPOT.

CAPTAIN NED, SIR, I DID INDEED TAKE MR. SPUNK'S SPOT. I AM READY TO ACCEPT MY

INDEED TAKE MR. SPUNK'S SPOT. I AM READY TO ACCEPT MY PUNISHMENT.

I AM READY TO ACCEPT MY PUNISHMENT. CAPTAIN, I THREW THE FIRST

PUNISHMENT. CAPTAIN, I THREW THE FIRST BLOW.

CAPTAIN, I THREW THE FIRST BLOW. IF ANYONE IS TO BE PUNISHED, LET

BLOW. IF ANYONE IS TO BE PUNISHED, LET IT BE ME.

IF ANYONE IS TO BE PUNISHED, LET IT BE ME. I ASK ONLY THAT WHATEVER YOU DO,

IT BE ME. I ASK ONLY THAT WHATEVER YOU DO, PLEASE DON'T PUT ME IN A

I ASK ONLY THAT WHATEVER YOU DO, PLEASE DON'T PUT ME IN A TIGHT-FITTING LASSIE COSTUME AND

PLEASE DON'T PUT ME IN A TIGHT-FITTING LASSIE COSTUME AND MAKE ME EAT FROM A MONOGRAMMED

TIGHT-FITTING LASSIE COSTUME AND MAKE ME EAT FROM A MONOGRAMMED DOG DISH.

MAKE ME EAT FROM A MONOGRAMMED DOG DISH. CAPTAIN, I ENCOURAGED THIS

DOG DISH. CAPTAIN, I ENCOURAGED THIS FIGHT.

CAPTAIN, I ENCOURAGED THIS FIGHT. PUNISH ME.

FIGHT. PUNISH ME. MAKE ME WEAR NIPPLE-PINCHING

PUNISH ME. MAKE ME WEAR NIPPLE-PINCHING CLOTHESPINS, SIR.

MAKE ME WEAR NIPPLE-PINCHING CLOTHESPINS, SIR. ME, CAPTAIN... PUNISH ME.

CLOTHESPINS, SIR. ME, CAPTAIN... PUNISH ME. STOP!

ME, CAPTAIN... PUNISH ME. STOP! STOP THIS.

STOP! STOP THIS. I'VE HEARD ENOUGH.

STOP THIS. I'VE HEARD ENOUGH. YOUR MANLY ADMISSION OF GUILT IS

I'VE HEARD ENOUGH. YOUR MANLY ADMISSION OF GUILT IS MOST MANFUL AND WELL BEFITS A

YOUR MANLY ADMISSION OF GUILT IS MOST MANFUL AND WELL BEFITS A CREW OF MEN.

MOST MANFUL AND WELL BEFITS A CREW OF MEN. HOWEVER, AS YOUR CAPTAIN, IT IS

CREW OF MEN. HOWEVER, AS YOUR CAPTAIN, IT IS I WHO MUST BEAR THE FULL

HOWEVER, AS YOUR CAPTAIN, IT IS I WHO MUST BEAR THE FULL MASCULINE RESPONSIBILITY.

I WHO MUST BEAR THE FULL MASCULINE RESPONSIBILITY. AND THEREFORE, I WILL SUFFER

MASCULINE RESPONSIBILITY. AND THEREFORE, I WILL SUFFER PUNISHMENT.

AND THEREFORE, I WILL SUFFER PUNISHMENT. MR. SPUNK, TAKE ME BELOW.

PUNISHMENT. MR. SPUNK, TAKE ME BELOW. HOW ABOUT A BOILING OIL RUB?

MR. SPUNK, TAKE ME BELOW. HOW ABOUT A BOILING OIL RUB? "HAVING HAD NO SEAFARING

HOW ABOUT A BOILING OIL RUB? "HAVING HAD NO SEAFARING EXPERIENCE, I WAS SURPRISED AT

"HAVING HAD NO SEAFARING EXPERIENCE, I WAS SURPRISED AT HOW DIFFERENT THE LIFE OF A

EXPERIENCE, I WAS SURPRISED AT HOW DIFFERENT THE LIFE OF A SAILOR WAS FROM WHAT I HAD

HOW DIFFERENT THE LIFE OF A SAILOR WAS FROM WHAT I HAD IMAGINED.

SAILOR WAS FROM WHAT I HAD IMAGINED. OUR DAY BEGAN AT DAWN WHEN,

IMAGINED. OUR DAY BEGAN AT DAWN WHEN, AFTER A HARDY BREAKFAST, WE HAD

OUR DAY BEGAN AT DAWN WHEN, AFTER A HARDY BREAKFAST, WE HAD PUNISHMENT TILL LUNCHTIME.

AFTER A HARDY BREAKFAST, WE HAD PUNISHMENT TILL LUNCHTIME. AFTER LUNCH, THERE WAS MORE

PUNISHMENT TILL LUNCHTIME. AFTER LUNCH, THERE WAS MORE PUNISHMENT TILL DINNER.

AFTER LUNCH, THERE WAS MORE PUNISHMENT TILL DINNER. AFTER DINNER, WE WOULD PULL UP

PUNISHMENT TILL DINNER. AFTER DINNER, WE WOULD PULL UP ANCHOR AND SAIL FOR AN HOUR,

AFTER DINNER, WE WOULD PULL UP ANCHOR AND SAIL FOR AN HOUR, THEN DROP ANCHOR AGAIN FOR SOME

ANCHOR AND SAIL FOR AN HOUR, THEN DROP ANCHOR AGAIN FOR SOME VERBAL HUMILIATION, FOLLOWED BY

THEN DROP ANCHOR AGAIN FOR SOME VERBAL HUMILIATION, FOLLOWED BY EVENING PUNISHMENT.

VERBAL HUMILIATION, FOLLOWED BY EVENING PUNISHMENT. I IMAGINE THAT THE CREW WAS

EVENING PUNISHMENT. I IMAGINE THAT THE CREW WAS QUITE USED TO IT, FOR IN ALL MY

I IMAGINE THAT THE CREW WAS QUITE USED TO IT, FOR IN ALL MY ROUNDS WITH THE SHIP'S SURGEON,

QUITE USED TO IT, FOR IN ALL MY ROUNDS WITH THE SHIP'S SURGEON, DR. PIERCE, I NEVER ONCE HEARD A

ROUNDS WITH THE SHIP'S SURGEON, DR. PIERCE, I NEVER ONCE HEARD A MAN COMPLAIN."

DR. PIERCE, I NEVER ONCE HEARD A MAN COMPLAIN." DR. PIERCE, SIR, I WAS

MAN COMPLAIN." DR. PIERCE, SIR, I WAS THINKING... WOULDN'T WE MAKE

DR. PIERCE, SIR, I WAS THINKING... WOULDN'T WE MAKE BETTER PROGRESS IF WE WAS UNDER

THINKING... WOULDN'T WE MAKE BETTER PROGRESS IF WE WAS UNDER SAIL 14 HOURS A DAY AND HAD

BETTER PROGRESS IF WE WAS UNDER SAIL 14 HOURS A DAY AND HAD PUNISHMENT ONLY TWO HOURS A DAY,

SAIL 14 HOURS A DAY AND HAD PUNISHMENT ONLY TWO HOURS A DAY, INSTEAD OF THE OTHER WAY 'ROUND?

PUNISHMENT ONLY TWO HOURS A DAY, INSTEAD OF THE OTHER WAY 'ROUND? MILES, MY BOY, YOU HAVE MUCH

INSTEAD OF THE OTHER WAY 'ROUND? MILES, MY BOY, YOU HAVE MUCH TO LEARN.

MILES, MY BOY, YOU HAVE MUCH TO LEARN. WITHOUT STRICT DISCIPLINE, WE'D

TO LEARN. WITHOUT STRICT DISCIPLINE, WE'D HAVE A MUTINY ON THIS SHIP.

WITHOUT STRICT DISCIPLINE, WE'D HAVE A MUTINY ON THIS SHIP. OH.

HAVE A MUTINY ON THIS SHIP. OH. THERE'S ONE MORE DOWN HERE.

OH. THERE'S ONE MORE DOWN HERE. LET'S SEE.

THERE'S ONE MORE DOWN HERE. LET'S SEE. OOH, I DON'T LIKE THE LOOKS OF

LET'S SEE. OOH, I DON'T LIKE THE LOOKS OF THAT LEG, MR. TARVOX.

OOH, I DON'T LIKE THE LOOKS OF THAT LEG, MR. TARVOX. I'M AFRAID WE'LL HAVE TO TAKE IT

THAT LEG, MR. TARVOX. I'M AFRAID WE'LL HAVE TO TAKE IT OFF.

I'M AFRAID WE'LL HAVE TO TAKE IT OFF. REALLY?

OFF. REALLY? YES.

REALLY? YES. I'M AFRAID SO, AND PROBABLY THE

YES. I'M AFRAID SO, AND PROBABLY THE ARM, AS WELL.

I'M AFRAID SO, AND PROBABLY THE ARM, AS WELL. BUT THE ARM?

ARM, AS WELL. BUT THE ARM? WHY THE ARM, DOCTOR?

BUT THE ARM? WHY THE ARM, DOCTOR? WELL, TO GET TO THE LEG.

WHY THE ARM, DOCTOR? WELL, TO GET TO THE LEG. LOOK... IT'S RATHER IN THE WAY,

WELL, TO GET TO THE LEG. LOOK... IT'S RATHER IN THE WAY, SEE?

LOOK... IT'S RATHER IN THE WAY, SEE? BUT WHY CAN'T HE HOLD THE ARM

SEE? BUT WHY CAN'T HE HOLD THE ARM OUT OF THE WAY?

BUT WHY CAN'T HE HOLD THE ARM OUT OF THE WAY? WELL, THAT'S FINE IF YOU'D

OUT OF THE WAY? WELL, THAT'S FINE IF YOU'D RATHER DO THAT.

WELL, THAT'S FINE IF YOU'D RATHER DO THAT. OH, YES, SIR. PLEASE.

RATHER DO THAT. OH, YES, SIR. PLEASE. OKAY.

OH, YES, SIR. PLEASE. OKAY. NOW, DON'T WORRY, MR. TARVOX.

OKAY. NOW, DON'T WORRY, MR. TARVOX. YOU WON'T FEEL A THING.

NOW, DON'T WORRY, MR. TARVOX. YOU WON'T FEEL A THING. YOU'LL WAKE UP, AND THEY'LL BE

YOU WON'T FEEL A THING. YOU'LL WAKE UP, AND THEY'LL BE GONE.

YOU'LL WAKE UP, AND THEY'LL BE GONE. THEY?

GONE. THEY? IT... IT'LL BE GONE.

THEY? IT... IT'LL BE GONE. I GUARANTEE YOU WON'T KNOW WHICH

IT... IT'LL BE GONE. I GUARANTEE YOU WON'T KNOW WHICH ONE IS MISSING.

I GUARANTEE YOU WON'T KNOW WHICH ONE IS MISSING. OH.

ONE IS MISSING. OH. ANY PREFERENCES?

OH. ANY PREFERENCES? GOOD. OKAY.

ANY PREFERENCES? GOOD. OKAY. WE'LL TAKE THE...

GOOD. OKAY. WE'LL TAKE THE... LEG.

WE'LL TAKE THE... LEG. LEG OFF ON THURSDAY, OKAY?

LEG. LEG OFF ON THURSDAY, OKAY? FIRST THING.

LEG OFF ON THURSDAY, OKAY? FIRST THING. YOU'LL BE FINE.

FIRST THING. YOU'LL BE FINE. "I SOON SETTLED INTO THE

YOU'LL BE FINE. "I SOON SETTLED INTO THE ROUTINE OF AN ORDINARY SAILOR...

"I SOON SETTLED INTO THE ROUTINE OF AN ORDINARY SAILOR... FLOGGING, DOCKINGS,

ROUTINE OF AN ORDINARY SAILOR... FLOGGING, DOCKINGS, KEELHAULINGS, KNEELING ON OUR

FLOGGING, DOCKINGS, KEELHAULINGS, KNEELING ON OUR KNUCKLES, HAVING THINGS DROPPED

KEELHAULINGS, KNEELING ON OUR KNUCKLES, HAVING THINGS DROPPED ON HEADS, BEING PUSHED DOWN

KNUCKLES, HAVING THINGS DROPPED ON HEADS, BEING PUSHED DOWN STAIRS, AND SO ON.

ON HEADS, BEING PUSHED DOWN STAIRS, AND SO ON. OCCASIONALLY, IT WOULD BE TIME

STAIRS, AND SO ON. OCCASIONALLY, IT WOULD BE TIME FOR ACTIVITIES SUCH AS STEERING

OCCASIONALLY, IT WOULD BE TIME FOR ACTIVITIES SUCH AS STEERING THE SHIP AND TRYING TO MAKE THE

FOR ACTIVITIES SUCH AS STEERING THE SHIP AND TRYING TO MAKE THE SAILS FILL UP WITH WIND.

THE SHIP AND TRYING TO MAKE THE SAILS FILL UP WITH WIND. CAPTAIN NED TOOK A WARM PERSONAL

SAILS FILL UP WITH WIND. CAPTAIN NED TOOK A WARM PERSONAL INTEREST IN MY WELFARE, AND IF A

CAPTAIN NED TOOK A WARM PERSONAL INTEREST IN MY WELFARE, AND IF A NIGHT WAS STORMY OR EVEN MILDLY

INTEREST IN MY WELFARE, AND IF A NIGHT WAS STORMY OR EVEN MILDLY CHOPPY, HE WOULD COME TO MY

NIGHT WAS STORMY OR EVEN MILDLY CHOPPY, HE WOULD COME TO MY CABIN TO COMFORT ME."

CHOPPY, HE WOULD COME TO MY CABIN TO COMFORT ME." [KNOCK ON DOOR]

CABIN TO COMFORT ME." [KNOCK ON DOOR] OH, CAPTAIN NED.

[KNOCK ON DOOR] OH, CAPTAIN NED. HELLO, MILES.

OH, CAPTAIN NED. HELLO, MILES. I WAS WORRIED THAT YOU MIGHT BE

HELLO, MILES. I WAS WORRIED THAT YOU MIGHT BE FRIGHTENED BY THE NASTY WEATHER.

I WAS WORRIED THAT YOU MIGHT BE FRIGHTENED BY THE NASTY WEATHER. BUT...

FRIGHTENED BY THE NASTY WEATHER. BUT... BUT CAPTAIN NED, SIR, IT'S...

BUT... BUT CAPTAIN NED, SIR, IT'S... IT'S PERFECTLY CALM TONIGHT.

BUT CAPTAIN NED, SIR, IT'S... IT'S PERFECTLY CALM TONIGHT. JUST, UH, WITH THE STORMY

IT'S PERFECTLY CALM TONIGHT. JUST, UH, WITH THE STORMY WEATHER WE'VE HAD LATELY, I WAS

JUST, UH, WITH THE STORMY WEATHER WE'VE HAD LATELY, I WAS AFRAID THAT THE SUDDEN CALM

WEATHER WE'VE HAD LATELY, I WAS AFRAID THAT THE SUDDEN CALM MIGHT ALARM YOU.

AFRAID THAT THE SUDDEN CALM MIGHT ALARM YOU. SEE, I'VE SEEN GROWN MEN...

MIGHT ALARM YOU. SEE, I'VE SEEN GROWN MEN... MANLY MEN... IN THE FULL PRIDE

SEE, I'VE SEEN GROWN MEN... MANLY MEN... IN THE FULL PRIDE OF THEIR MANHOOD GROW WHITE WITH

MANLY MEN... IN THE FULL PRIDE OF THEIR MANHOOD GROW WHITE WITH TERROR ON SERENE, TRANQUIL

OF THEIR MANHOOD GROW WHITE WITH TERROR ON SERENE, TRANQUIL NIGHTS AS THIS.

TERROR ON SERENE, TRANQUIL NIGHTS AS THIS. OH, THAT'S VERY KIND OF YOU,

NIGHTS AS THIS. OH, THAT'S VERY KIND OF YOU, SIR.

OH, THAT'S VERY KIND OF YOU, SIR. "SO DANGEROUSLY PLACID DID THAT

SIR. "SO DANGEROUSLY PLACID DID THAT NIGHT BECOME THAT CAPTAIN NED

"SO DANGEROUSLY PLACID DID THAT NIGHT BECOME THAT CAPTAIN NED REMAINED IN MY CABIN TO REASSURE

NIGHT BECOME THAT CAPTAIN NED REMAINED IN MY CABIN TO REASSURE ME UNTIL DAWN, WHEN WE WERE

REMAINED IN MY CABIN TO REASSURE ME UNTIL DAWN, WHEN WE WERE ROUSED BY A SHOUT FROM

ME UNTIL DAWN, WHEN WE WERE ROUSED BY A SHOUT FROM MR. SPUNK."

ROUSED BY A SHOUT FROM MR. SPUNK." LAND AHOY!

MR. SPUNK." LAND AHOY! LAND AHOY!

LAND AHOY! LAND AHOY! OH, MY GOD... I DON'T KNOW!

LAND AHOY! OH, MY GOD... I DON'T KNOW! OH, IT MIGHT BE LAND.

OH, MY GOD... I DON'T KNOW! OH, IT MIGHT BE LAND. MAYBE IT'S ANOTHER BOAT.

OH, IT MIGHT BE LAND. MAYBE IT'S ANOTHER BOAT. OH, DEAR, IT MIGHT BE A CLOUD.

MAYBE IT'S ANOTHER BOAT. OH, DEAR, IT MIGHT BE A CLOUD. OH, YES... NO, I CAN'T TELL.

OH, DEAR, IT MIGHT BE A CLOUD. OH, YES... NO, I CAN'T TELL. THIS DAMN THING DISTORTS

OH, YES... NO, I CAN'T TELL. THIS DAMN THING DISTORTS EVERYTHING.

THIS DAMN THING DISTORTS EVERYTHING. MAYBE... MAYBE IT'S A CLOUD.

EVERYTHING. MAYBE... MAYBE IT'S A CLOUD. I'M NOT SURE.

MAYBE... MAYBE IT'S A CLOUD. I'M NOT SURE. OH, DEAR.

I'M NOT SURE. OH, DEAR. MR. SPUNK!

OH, DEAR. MR. SPUNK! HAVE YOU SPIED LAND?

MR. SPUNK! HAVE YOU SPIED LAND? I'M NOT SURE.

HAVE YOU SPIED LAND? I'M NOT SURE. SOMEBODY ELSE GET UP HERE AND

I'M NOT SURE. SOMEBODY ELSE GET UP HERE AND LOOK.

SOMEBODY ELSE GET UP HERE AND LOOK. IF I SAY IT'S LAND AND WE MAKE

LOOK. IF I SAY IT'S LAND AND WE MAKE FOR AND IT'S NOT, I'LL GET

IF I SAY IT'S LAND AND WE MAKE FOR AND IT'S NOT, I'LL GET YELLED AT.

FOR AND IT'S NOT, I'LL GET YELLED AT. ALL RIGHT!

YELLED AT. ALL RIGHT! "WHAT MR. SPUNK HAD SIGHTED

ALL RIGHT! "WHAT MR. SPUNK HAD SIGHTED WAS NOT LAND AT ALL, BUT A SMALL

"WHAT MR. SPUNK HAD SIGHTED WAS NOT LAND AT ALL, BUT A SMALL OPEN BOAT WHICH UPON CLOSER

WAS NOT LAND AT ALL, BUT A SMALL OPEN BOAT WHICH UPON CLOSER INSPECTION WAS FOUND TO CONTAIN

OPEN BOAT WHICH UPON CLOSER INSPECTION WAS FOUND TO CONTAIN TWO REMARKABLE PASSENGERS."

INSPECTION WAS FOUND TO CONTAIN TWO REMARKABLE PASSENGERS." OH, DEAR.

TWO REMARKABLE PASSENGERS." OH, DEAR. I AM CAPTAIN NED OF

OH, DEAR. I AM CAPTAIN NED OF THE RAGING QUEEN.

I AM CAPTAIN NED OF THE RAGING QUEEN. TELL ME, ARE THERE ANY MALES

THE RAGING QUEEN. TELL ME, ARE THERE ANY MALES WITH YOU?

TELL ME, ARE THERE ANY MALES WITH YOU? NO, JUST MY SISTER AND I.

WITH YOU? NO, JUST MY SISTER AND I. YES.

NO, JUST MY SISTER AND I. YES. MY NAME IS RUTH WALLINGTON, AND

YES. MY NAME IS RUTH WALLINGTON, AND THIS IS MY SISTER MADELINE.

MY NAME IS RUTH WALLINGTON, AND THIS IS MY SISTER MADELINE. WE WERE CROSSING THE WEST INDIES

THIS IS MY SISTER MADELINE. WE WERE CROSSING THE WEST INDIES WHEN PIRATES SEIZED OUR SHIP.

WE WERE CROSSING THE WEST INDIES WHEN PIRATES SEIZED OUR SHIP. THEY TOOK OUR ENTIRE CREW

WHEN PIRATES SEIZED OUR SHIP. THEY TOOK OUR ENTIRE CREW PRISONERS.

THEY TOOK OUR ENTIRE CREW PRISONERS. HMM.

PRISONERS. HMM. UH, CAN YOU TELL ME... WERE

HMM. UH, CAN YOU TELL ME... WERE THESE PIRATES MANLY AND VIRILE?

UH, CAN YOU TELL ME... WERE THESE PIRATES MANLY AND VIRILE? THEY WERE CONTEMPTIBLE

THESE PIRATES MANLY AND VIRILE? THEY WERE CONTEMPTIBLE ANIMALS WHO SUBJECTED OUR SHIP'S

THEY WERE CONTEMPTIBLE ANIMALS WHO SUBJECTED OUR SHIP'S CREW TO THE MOST UNSPEAKABLE

ANIMALS WHO SUBJECTED OUR SHIP'S CREW TO THE MOST UNSPEAKABLE TORTURES.

CREW TO THE MOST UNSPEAKABLE TORTURES. DO YOU SUPPOSE THESE PIRATES

TORTURES. DO YOU SUPPOSE THESE PIRATES MIGHT STILL BE ANYWHERE IN THE

DO YOU SUPPOSE THESE PIRATES MIGHT STILL BE ANYWHERE IN THE AREA?

MIGHT STILL BE ANYWHERE IN THE AREA? YES.

AREA? YES. I'M AFRAID THEY MAY YET BE VERY

YES. I'M AFRAID THEY MAY YET BE VERY CLOSE.

I'M AFRAID THEY MAY YET BE VERY CLOSE. I SEE.

CLOSE. I SEE. [BELL RINGS]

I SEE. [BELL RINGS] MEN!

[BELL RINGS] MEN! THERE ARE PIRATES IN THESE

MEN! THERE ARE PIRATES IN THESE WATERS!

THERE ARE PIRATES IN THESE WATERS! PIRATES WHO INFLICT HIDEOUS

WATERS! PIRATES WHO INFLICT HIDEOUS PUNISHMENTS ON THOSE WHO FALL

PIRATES WHO INFLICT HIDEOUS PUNISHMENTS ON THOSE WHO FALL INTO THEIR HANDS.

PUNISHMENTS ON THOSE WHO FALL INTO THEIR HANDS. NOW WE CAN TURN TAIL AND RUN, OR

INTO THEIR HANDS. NOW WE CAN TURN TAIL AND RUN, OR WE CAN TAKE THE MANLY COURSE,

NOW WE CAN TURN TAIL AND RUN, OR WE CAN TAKE THE MANLY COURSE, THAT WHICH OUR MANHOOD DEMANDS!

WE CAN TAKE THE MANLY COURSE, THAT WHICH OUR MANHOOD DEMANDS! FIND THESE TURNED DESPOTS OF

THAT WHICH OUR MANHOOD DEMANDS! FIND THESE TURNED DESPOTS OF DISCIPLINE AND COMFORT THEM!

FIND THESE TURNED DESPOTS OF DISCIPLINE AND COMFORT THEM! WHAT IS YOUR ANSWER?

DISCIPLINE AND COMFORT THEM! WHAT IS YOUR ANSWER? All: FIND THE PIRATES?

WHAT IS YOUR ANSWER? All: FIND THE PIRATES? SO IT WILL BE DONE!

All: FIND THE PIRATES? SO IT WILL BE DONE! STAND BY TO ENCOURAGE BOARDERS!

SO IT WILL BE DONE! STAND BY TO ENCOURAGE BOARDERS! "DESPITE SIX MONTHS SPENT IN

STAND BY TO ENCOURAGE BOARDERS! "DESPITE SIX MONTHS SPENT IN THE ENDEAVOR, OUR SEARCH FOR THE

"DESPITE SIX MONTHS SPENT IN THE ENDEAVOR, OUR SEARCH FOR THE PIRATES PROVED UNSUCCESSFUL.

THE ENDEAVOR, OUR SEARCH FOR THE PIRATES PROVED UNSUCCESSFUL. AND SO, AT LENGTH, WE PUT INTO

PIRATES PROVED UNSUCCESSFUL. AND SO, AT LENGTH, WE PUT INTO PORT AT KEY WEST, WHERE WE TOOK

AND SO, AT LENGTH, WE PUT INTO PORT AT KEY WEST, WHERE WE TOOK ON A SUPPLY OF OMELET PANS AND

PORT AT KEY WEST, WHERE WE TOOK ON A SUPPLY OF OMELET PANS AND DID THE COSTUMES FOR A

ON A SUPPLY OF OMELET PANS AND DID THE COSTUMES FOR A PRODUCTION OF

DID THE COSTUMES FOR A PRODUCTION OF 'TAKE HER, SHE'S MINE.'

PRODUCTION OF 'TAKE HER, SHE'S MINE.' THESE WERE PLEASANT TIMES.

'TAKE HER, SHE'S MINE.' THESE WERE PLEASANT TIMES. WITH CAPTAIN NED ASHORE BUYING

THESE WERE PLEASANT TIMES. WITH CAPTAIN NED ASHORE BUYING MELONS, DISCIPLINE WAS LESS

WITH CAPTAIN NED ASHORE BUYING MELONS, DISCIPLINE WAS LESS SEVERE AND HIS TRIPS TO MY CABIN

MELONS, DISCIPLINE WAS LESS SEVERE AND HIS TRIPS TO MY CABIN TO COMFORT ME LESS FREQUENT.

SEVERE AND HIS TRIPS TO MY CABIN TO COMFORT ME LESS FREQUENT. ONE NIGHT, HOWEVER, AS I LAY IN

TO COMFORT ME LESS FREQUENT. ONE NIGHT, HOWEVER, AS I LAY IN BED WRITING A LETTER TO

ONE NIGHT, HOWEVER, AS I LAY IN BED WRITING A LETTER TO LORD PINKNEY, I HEARD AN

BED WRITING A LETTER TO LORD PINKNEY, I HEARD AN UNFAMILIAR KNOCK AT MY DOOR."

LORD PINKNEY, I HEARD AN UNFAMILIAR KNOCK AT MY DOOR." [KNOCK ON DOOR]

UNFAMILIAR KNOCK AT MY DOOR." [KNOCK ON DOOR] COME IN.

[KNOCK ON DOOR] COME IN. HELLO, MILES.

COME IN. HELLO, MILES. WE CAME TO SEE IF YOU WERE ALL

HELLO, MILES. WE CAME TO SEE IF YOU WERE ALL RIGHT.

WE CAME TO SEE IF YOU WERE ALL RIGHT. OH.

RIGHT. OH. YES.

OH. YES. WE WERE WORRIED THAT THE COOL

YES. WE WERE WORRIED THAT THE COOL SEA AIR COMBINED WITH THE

WE WERE WORRIED THAT THE COOL SEA AIR COMBINED WITH THE SALTINESS OF THE SPRAY AND THE

SEA AIR COMBINED WITH THE SALTINESS OF THE SPRAY AND THE CLOSENESS OF SHIPS IN THE HARBOR

SALTINESS OF THE SPRAY AND THE CLOSENESS OF SHIPS IN THE HARBOR MIGHT HAVE ALARMED YOU.

CLOSENESS OF SHIPS IN THE HARBOR MIGHT HAVE ALARMED YOU. OH, THAT'S VERY KIND OF YOU,

MIGHT HAVE ALARMED YOU. OH, THAT'S VERY KIND OF YOU, BUT I'M NOT FRIGHTENED.

OH, THAT'S VERY KIND OF YOU, BUT I'M NOT FRIGHTENED. ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?

BUT I'M NOT FRIGHTENED. ARE YOU ALL RIGHT? WELL, THESE PAST SIX MONTHS

ARE YOU ALL RIGHT? WELL, THESE PAST SIX MONTHS AT SEA ABOARD THE RAGING QUEEN

WELL, THESE PAST SIX MONTHS AT SEA ABOARD THE RAGING QUEEN HAVE BEEN SOMEWHAT FRIGHTENING.

AT SEA ABOARD THE RAGING QUEEN HAVE BEEN SOMEWHAT FRIGHTENING. BEGGING YOUR PARDON, MA'AM,

HAVE BEEN SOMEWHAT FRIGHTENING. BEGGING YOUR PARDON, MA'AM, BUT HAVE ANY OF THE MEN ON

BEGGING YOUR PARDON, MA'AM, BUT HAVE ANY OF THE MEN ON BOARD, WELL, TRIED TO TAKE

BUT HAVE ANY OF THE MEN ON BOARD, WELL, TRIED TO TAKE LIBERTIES WITH YOU?

BOARD, WELL, TRIED TO TAKE LIBERTIES WITH YOU? NO. NO, NOT REALLY.

LIBERTIES WITH YOU? NO. NO, NOT REALLY. NO.

NO. NO, NOT REALLY. NO. WE HAVEN'T BEEN HARMED AT ALL.

NO. WE HAVEN'T BEEN HARMED AT ALL. OH, WELL, MA'AM, I EXPECT

WE HAVEN'T BEEN HARMED AT ALL. OH, WELL, MA'AM, I EXPECT THAT'S DUE TO THE DISCIPLINE

OH, WELL, MA'AM, I EXPECT THAT'S DUE TO THE DISCIPLINE WHICH CAPTAIN NED EMPLOYS ON THE

THAT'S DUE TO THE DISCIPLINE WHICH CAPTAIN NED EMPLOYS ON THE SHIP, FOR THIS CREW IS AN

WHICH CAPTAIN NED EMPLOYS ON THE SHIP, FOR THIS CREW IS AN UNSAVORY LOT.

SHIP, FOR THIS CREW IS AN UNSAVORY LOT. YES, I EXPECT SO.

UNSAVORY LOT. YES, I EXPECT SO. FAITH, MILES, IT IS TERRIBLY HOT

YES, I EXPECT SO. FAITH, MILES, IT IS TERRIBLY HOT IN HERE, ISN'T IT, MADELINE?

FAITH, MILES, IT IS TERRIBLY HOT IN HERE, ISN'T IT, MADELINE? YES.

IN HERE, ISN'T IT, MADELINE? YES. YES, HONESTLY, MILES, I DON'T

YES. YES, HONESTLY, MILES, I DON'T KNOW HOW YOU STAND IT.

YES, HONESTLY, MILES, I DON'T KNOW HOW YOU STAND IT. OH, IT'S ALL RIGHT FOR ME.

KNOW HOW YOU STAND IT. OH, IT'S ALL RIGHT FOR ME. PERHAPS I'M NOT WELL.

OH, IT'S ALL RIGHT FOR ME. PERHAPS I'M NOT WELL. PERHAPS WE COULD COMFORT YOU

PERHAPS I'M NOT WELL. PERHAPS WE COULD COMFORT YOU THEN, MILES.

PERHAPS WE COULD COMFORT YOU THEN, MILES. OH. HELLO, MILES.

THEN, MILES. OH. HELLO, MILES. OH, CAPTAIN NED.

OH. HELLO, MILES. OH, CAPTAIN NED. HELLO, MISS WALLINGTON,

OH, CAPTAIN NED. HELLO, MISS WALLINGTON, MISS WALLINGTON.

HELLO, MISS WALLINGTON, MISS WALLINGTON. MILES, I HURRIED BACK AS I WAS

MISS WALLINGTON. MILES, I HURRIED BACK AS I WAS AFRAID THAT THE EXCITEMENT OF

MILES, I HURRIED BACK AS I WAS AFRAID THAT THE EXCITEMENT OF THE LAST SEVERAL MONTHS AT SEA

AFRAID THAT THE EXCITEMENT OF THE LAST SEVERAL MONTHS AT SEA COMBINED WITH THE CHANGE OF

THE LAST SEVERAL MONTHS AT SEA COMBINED WITH THE CHANGE OF SEASONS MIGHT HAVE ALARMED YOU.

COMBINED WITH THE CHANGE OF SEASONS MIGHT HAVE ALARMED YOU. OH, THAT'S VERY KIND OF YOU,

SEASONS MIGHT HAVE ALARMED YOU. OH, THAT'S VERY KIND OF YOU, CAPTAIN.

OH, THAT'S VERY KIND OF YOU, CAPTAIN. EXCUSE ME, CAPTAIN, BUT WE

CAPTAIN. EXCUSE ME, CAPTAIN, BUT WE WERE COMFORTING MILES.

EXCUSE ME, CAPTAIN, BUT WE WERE COMFORTING MILES. WAIT... PERHAPS WE COULD ALL

WERE COMFORTING MILES. WAIT... PERHAPS WE COULD ALL COMFORT MILES.

WAIT... PERHAPS WE COULD ALL COMFORT MILES. VERY WELL.

COMFORT MILES. VERY WELL. I SEE NOTHING UNMANLY IN THAT.

"OF ALL THAT I HAVE SUFFERED SINCE GOING TO SEA, NOTHING COULD COMPARE TO THE CONSTANT

SINCE GOING TO SEA, NOTHING COULD COMPARE TO THE CONSTANT COMFORTING OF BOTH CAPTAIN NED

COULD COMPARE TO THE CONSTANT COMFORTING OF BOTH CAPTAIN NED AND THE WALLINGTON SISTERS, AND

COMFORTING OF BOTH CAPTAIN NED AND THE WALLINGTON SISTERS, AND I RESOLVED TO ESCAPE FROM

AND THE WALLINGTON SISTERS, AND I RESOLVED TO ESCAPE FROM THE RAGING QUEEN AT THE FIRST

I RESOLVED TO ESCAPE FROM THE RAGING QUEEN AT THE FIRST OPPORTUNITY.

THE RAGING QUEEN AT THE FIRST OPPORTUNITY. ONE EVENING WHILE THE CREW

OPPORTUNITY. ONE EVENING WHILE THE CREW WAS BELOW DOING EXERCISES TO

ONE EVENING WHILE THE CREW WAS BELOW DOING EXERCISES TO FLATTEN THEIR STOMACHS, I STOLE

WAS BELOW DOING EXERCISES TO FLATTEN THEIR STOMACHS, I STOLE THE SECOND MATE'S COAT,

FLATTEN THEIR STOMACHS, I STOLE THE SECOND MATE'S COAT, COLLECTED MY FEW BELONGINGS,

THE SECOND MATE'S COAT, COLLECTED MY FEW BELONGINGS, AND LOWERED MYSELF OVER THE

COLLECTED MY FEW BELONGINGS, AND LOWERED MYSELF OVER THE SIDE.

AND LOWERED MYSELF OVER THE SIDE. OF WHAT TOOK PLACE AFTER I HIT

SIDE. OF WHAT TOOK PLACE AFTER I HIT THE WATER, I HAVE VERY LITTLE

OF WHAT TOOK PLACE AFTER I HIT THE WATER, I HAVE VERY LITTLE RECOLLECTION.

THE WATER, I HAVE VERY LITTLE RECOLLECTION. I WAS EVIDENTLY QUITE ILL FOR A

RECOLLECTION. I WAS EVIDENTLY QUITE ILL FOR A VERY LONG TIME, AND THE NEXT

I WAS EVIDENTLY QUITE ILL FOR A VERY LONG TIME, AND THE NEXT THING I REMEMBER SEEING WAS THE

VERY LONG TIME, AND THE NEXT THING I REMEMBER SEEING WAS THE FRIENDLY FACE OF DR. PIERCE.

THING I REMEMBER SEEING WAS THE FRIENDLY FACE OF DR. PIERCE. HE'S COMING AROUND.

FRIENDLY FACE OF DR. PIERCE. HE'S COMING AROUND. OH, THANK GOD.

HE'S COMING AROUND. OH, THANK GOD. WHERE AM I?

OH, THANK GOD. WHERE AM I? YOU'RE BACK ON BOARD

WHERE AM I? YOU'RE BACK ON BOARD THE RAGING QUEEN, MILES.

YOU'RE BACK ON BOARD THE RAGING QUEEN, MILES. YES, YOU WERE VERY LUCKY.

THE RAGING QUEEN, MILES. YES, YOU WERE VERY LUCKY. ONE OF THE CREW SAW YOU FALL

YES, YOU WERE VERY LUCKY. ONE OF THE CREW SAW YOU FALL OVERBOARD.

ONE OF THE CREW SAW YOU FALL OVERBOARD. CAPTAIN NED WILL BE SO

OVERBOARD. CAPTAIN NED WILL BE SO RELIEVED.

CAPTAIN NED WILL BE SO RELIEVED. HE'S BEEN WITH YOU EVERY MOMENT,

RELIEVED. HE'S BEEN WITH YOU EVERY MOMENT, MILES, COMFORTING YOU.

HE'S BEEN WITH YOU EVERY MOMENT, MILES, COMFORTING YOU. WELL, MILES, I EXPECT YOU'LL

MILES, COMFORTING YOU. WELL, MILES, I EXPECT YOU'LL BE STRONG ENOUGH TO GO UNDER THE

WELL, MILES, I EXPECT YOU'LL BE STRONG ENOUGH TO GO UNDER THE KNIFE IN A FEW DAYS, HUH?

BE STRONG ENOUGH TO GO UNDER THE KNIFE IN A FEW DAYS, HUH? WH-WHAT DO YOU MEAN,

KNIFE IN A FEW DAYS, HUH? WH-WHAT DO YOU MEAN, DR. PIERCE?

WH-WHAT DO YOU MEAN, DR. PIERCE? YOUR LEGS, MILES... I'M

DR. PIERCE? YOUR LEGS, MILES... I'M AFRAID THEY'LL HAVE TO COME OFF.

YOUR LEGS, MILES... I'M AFRAID THEY'LL HAVE TO COME OFF. NOW, I'VE ONLY GOT ONE PEG LEG

AFRAID THEY'LL HAVE TO COME OFF. NOW, I'VE ONLY GOT ONE PEG LEG ON BOARD, BUT I CAN GET YOU A

NOW, I'VE ONLY GOT ONE PEG LEG ON BOARD, BUT I CAN GET YOU A NICE HOOK FOR THE BOTTOM OF THIS

ON BOARD, BUT I CAN GET YOU A NICE HOOK FOR THE BOTTOM OF THIS LEFT KNEE.

NICE HOOK FOR THE BOTTOM OF THIS LEFT KNEE. AND AS SOON AS WE REACH PORT,

LEFT KNEE. AND AS SOON AS WE REACH PORT, WE'LL GO SHOPPING FOR A PROPER

AND AS SOON AS WE REACH PORT, WE'LL GO SHOPPING FOR A PROPER WOODEN ONE.

WE'LL GO SHOPPING FOR A PROPER WOODEN ONE. BUT, SIR, MUST I LOSE MY

WOODEN ONE. BUT, SIR, MUST I LOSE MY LEGS?

BUT, SIR, MUST I LOSE MY LEGS? I'M AFRAID SO, MILES.

LEGS? I'M AFRAID SO, MILES. WHEN WE PULLED YOU OUT OF THE

I'M AFRAID SO, MILES. WHEN WE PULLED YOU OUT OF THE WATER, YOUR LEGS WERE SOAKING

WHEN WE PULLED YOU OUT OF THE WATER, YOUR LEGS WERE SOAKING WET.

WATER, YOUR LEGS WERE SOAKING WET. NOW HERE'S WHAT I'M GOING TO

WET. NOW HERE'S WHAT I'M GOING TO DO.

NOW HERE'S WHAT I'M GOING TO DO. "FROM THE MOMENT I LEARNED

DO. "FROM THE MOMENT I LEARNED THAT DR. PIERCE HAD DESIGNS ON

"FROM THE MOMENT I LEARNED THAT DR. PIERCE HAD DESIGNS ON MY LEG, I RESOLVED TO REPEAT MY

THAT DR. PIERCE HAD DESIGNS ON MY LEG, I RESOLVED TO REPEAT MY ATTEMPTED ESCAPE WHATEVER THE

MY LEG, I RESOLVED TO REPEAT MY ATTEMPTED ESCAPE WHATEVER THE RISK INVOLVED.

ATTEMPTED ESCAPE WHATEVER THE RISK INVOLVED. THE VERY NEXT MORNING, AFTER ONE

RISK INVOLVED. THE VERY NEXT MORNING, AFTER ONE FINAL NIGHT OF COMFORTING FROM

THE VERY NEXT MORNING, AFTER ONE FINAL NIGHT OF COMFORTING FROM CAPTAIN NED, I ONCE MORE STOLE

FINAL NIGHT OF COMFORTING FROM CAPTAIN NED, I ONCE MORE STOLE OUT OF MY CABIN AND LOWERED

CAPTAIN NED, I ONCE MORE STOLE OUT OF MY CABIN AND LOWERED MYSELF OVER THE SIDE, THIS TIME,

OUT OF MY CABIN AND LOWERED MYSELF OVER THE SIDE, THIS TIME, COMPLETELY UNDETECTED.

MYSELF OVER THE SIDE, THIS TIME, COMPLETELY UNDETECTED. AND SO MY TERM OF SERVICE AT SEA

COMPLETELY UNDETECTED. AND SO MY TERM OF SERVICE AT SEA HAD COME TO AN END.

AND SO MY TERM OF SERVICE AT SEA HAD COME TO AN END. ONCE AGAIN, I FOUND MYSELF QUITE

HAD COME TO AN END. ONCE AGAIN, I FOUND MYSELF QUITE ALONE IN THE WORLD WITH LITTLE

ONCE AGAIN, I FOUND MYSELF QUITE ALONE IN THE WORLD WITH LITTLE CAPITAL AND FEW PROSPECTS.

ALONE IN THE WORLD WITH LITTLE CAPITAL AND FEW PROSPECTS. OF THE DETAILS OF MY ESCAPE FROM

CAPITAL AND FEW PROSPECTS. OF THE DETAILS OF MY ESCAPE FROM THE RAGING QUEEN, AS WELL AS MY

OF THE DETAILS OF MY ESCAPE FROM THE RAGING QUEEN, AS WELL AS MY ADVENTURES SUBSEQUENT THERETO,

THE RAGING QUEEN, AS WELL AS MY ADVENTURES SUBSEQUENT THERETO, THE READER SHALL LEARN IN MY

ADVENTURES SUBSEQUENT THERETO, THE READER SHALL LEARN IN MY NEXT CHAPTER...

THE READER SHALL LEARN IN MY NEXT CHAPTER... 'I AM EATEN BY SHARKS.'"

WELL, I GUESS THE BULBS JUST DIDN'T TAKE THIS YEAR. YEAH.

DIDN'T TAKE THIS YEAR. YEAH. WHAT A SAD CROP OF TULIPS, HUH?

YEAH. WHAT A SAD CROP OF TULIPS, HUH? IT'S JUST IMPOSSIBLE TO GROW

WHAT A SAD CROP OF TULIPS, HUH? IT'S JUST IMPOSSIBLE TO GROW FLOWERS IN THE CITY.

IT'S JUST IMPOSSIBLE TO GROW FLOWERS IN THE CITY. WELL, IT'S SPRING AGAIN... A

FLOWERS IN THE CITY. WELL, IT'S SPRING AGAIN... A TIME TO ENJOY THE YEAR'S MOST

WELL, IT'S SPRING AGAIN... A TIME TO ENJOY THE YEAR'S MOST PRECIOUS AND SHORT-LIVED

TIME TO ENJOY THE YEAR'S MOST PRECIOUS AND SHORT-LIVED BLOOMS... THOSE COLORFUL,

PRECIOUS AND SHORT-LIVED BLOOMS... THOSE COLORFUL, FRAGILE HARBINGERS OF THE

BLOOMS... THOSE COLORFUL, FRAGILE HARBINGERS OF THE SEASON... THE CROCUS, THE

FRAGILE HARBINGERS OF THE SEASON... THE CROCUS, THE DAFFODIL, THE TULIP.

SEASON... THE CROCUS, THE DAFFODIL, THE TULIP. BUT A WINDOW OR BALCONY BOX

DAFFODIL, THE TULIP. BUT A WINDOW OR BALCONY BOX EXPOSED TO BIG-CITY AIR

BUT A WINDOW OR BALCONY BOX EXPOSED TO BIG-CITY AIR POLLUTION AND HARSH URBAN ACIDS

EXPOSED TO BIG-CITY AIR POLLUTION AND HARSH URBAN ACIDS IS A HOSTILE ENVIRONMENT FOR

POLLUTION AND HARSH URBAN ACIDS IS A HOSTILE ENVIRONMENT FOR RAISING THESE SENSITIVE ANNUALS.

IS A HOSTILE ENVIRONMENT FOR RAISING THESE SENSITIVE ANNUALS. NOW ROVCO INTRODUCES THE

RAISING THESE SENSITIVE ANNUALS. NOW ROVCO INTRODUCES THE REVOLUTIONARY BULB-GROWTH

NOW ROVCO INTRODUCES THE REVOLUTIONARY BULB-GROWTH FORMULA MAGNA-GRO ANABOLIC

REVOLUTIONARY BULB-GROWTH FORMULA MAGNA-GRO ANABOLIC STEROIDS FOR PLANTS.

FORMULA MAGNA-GRO ANABOLIC STEROIDS FOR PLANTS. MAGNA-GRO IS UNLIKE ANY OTHER

STEROIDS FOR PLANTS. MAGNA-GRO IS UNLIKE ANY OTHER PLANT-GROWTH PRODUCT.

MAGNA-GRO IS UNLIKE ANY OTHER PLANT-GROWTH PRODUCT. IT IS NOT A LIQUID, POWDER,

PLANT-GROWTH PRODUCT. IT IS NOT A LIQUID, POWDER, PEAT, OR STICK.

IT IS NOT A LIQUID, POWDER, PEAT, OR STICK. IT IS A TUB CONTAINING A

PEAT, OR STICK. IT IS A TUB CONTAINING A CHEMICAL BOND BETWEEN PLANT

IT IS A TUB CONTAINING A CHEMICAL BOND BETWEEN PLANT PHYTOSTEROLS AND THE ANDROGENIC

CHEMICAL BOND BETWEEN PLANT PHYTOSTEROLS AND THE ANDROGENIC EXTRACT FROM A MATURE, LIVE OX.

PHYTOSTEROLS AND THE ANDROGENIC EXTRACT FROM A MATURE, LIVE OX. JUST LOOK HOW FAST AND EASY IT

EXTRACT FROM A MATURE, LIVE OX. JUST LOOK HOW FAST AND EASY IT IS TO USE.

JUST LOOK HOW FAST AND EASY IT IS TO USE. "MAGNA-GRO TYPE 200... MUSCLE

IS TO USE. "MAGNA-GRO TYPE 200... MUSCLE TULIP."

"MAGNA-GRO TYPE 200... MUSCLE TULIP." SIMPLY APPLY THE DIFFERENT

TULIP." SIMPLY APPLY THE DIFFERENT TYPES OF MAGNA-GRO STEROID

SIMPLY APPLY THE DIFFERENT TYPES OF MAGNA-GRO STEROID OINTMENT TO SEEDS OR BULBS.

TYPES OF MAGNA-GRO STEROID OINTMENT TO SEEDS OR BULBS. THEN PLANT AND WATER.

OINTMENT TO SEEDS OR BULBS. THEN PLANT AND WATER. WITHIN SECONDS, THE POWER OF

THEN PLANT AND WATER. WITHIN SECONDS, THE POWER OF STEROL AND HORMONE ADDITIVES

WITHIN SECONDS, THE POWER OF STEROL AND HORMONE ADDITIVES WILL PROMOTE HEALTHY,

STEROL AND HORMONE ADDITIVES WILL PROMOTE HEALTHY, ACCELERATIVE, AND MASSIVE GROWTH

WILL PROMOTE HEALTHY, ACCELERATIVE, AND MASSIVE GROWTH IN YOUR GARDEN PATCH OR WINDOW

ACCELERATIVE, AND MASSIVE GROWTH IN YOUR GARDEN PATCH OR WINDOW BOX.

WOW, IT REALLY WORKS WITH A BEAUTIFUL BLOOM. YEAH.

BEAUTIFUL BLOOM. YEAH. AND LOOK AT THE SIZE OF ITS

YEAH. AND LOOK AT THE SIZE OF ITS NECK.

AND LOOK AT THE SIZE OF ITS NECK. ROVCO GUARANTEES YOU'LL BE

NECK. ROVCO GUARANTEES YOU'LL BE DELIGHTED WITH THE INSTANT

ROVCO GUARANTEES YOU'LL BE DELIGHTED WITH THE INSTANT HYPER-DEVELOPMENT OF YOUR PLANT

DELIGHTED WITH THE INSTANT HYPER-DEVELOPMENT OF YOUR PLANT FIBERS, OR YOUR MONEY BACK.

HYPER-DEVELOPMENT OF YOUR PLANT FIBERS, OR YOUR MONEY BACK. LOOK AT THAT STRENGTH.

FIBERS, OR YOUR MONEY BACK. LOOK AT THAT STRENGTH. ISN'T THAT AMAZING?

LOOK AT THAT STRENGTH. ISN'T THAT AMAZING? ROVCO'S MAGNA-GRO ANABOLIC

ISN'T THAT AMAZING? ROVCO'S MAGNA-GRO ANABOLIC STEROIDS... OVER 400 TYPES

ROVCO'S MAGNA-GRO ANABOLIC STEROIDS... OVER 400 TYPES INCLUDING MUSCLE TULIP, MIGHTY

STEROIDS... OVER 400 TYPES INCLUDING MUSCLE TULIP, MIGHTY CROCUS, AND MEAT MELON.

INCLUDING MUSCLE TULIP, MIGHTY CROCUS, AND MEAT MELON. ORDER NOW AND RECEIVE ABSOLUTELY

CROCUS, AND MEAT MELON. ORDER NOW AND RECEIVE ABSOLUTELY FREE THIS TEMPERED STEEL TULIP

ORDER NOW AND RECEIVE ABSOLUTELY FREE THIS TEMPERED STEEL TULIP CLIPPER.

FREE THIS TEMPERED STEEL TULIP CLIPPER. MAGNA-GRO TURNS SEEDS INTO

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Announcer: SEND $19.95 TO

MAGNA-GRO, BOX 90 PIER 26,

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NOT FOR USE ON VINES.

VEGETABLES DEVELOPED BY

MAGNA-GRO ARE NON-EDIBLE.

ERNEST BORGNINE AND ETHEL MERMAN REMARRY. THIS STORY AND MORE ON

ETHEL MERMAN REMARRY. THIS STORY AND MORE ON "WEEKEND UPDATE," COMING UP

THIS STORY AND MORE ON "WEEKEND UPDATE," COMING UP NEXT.

"WEEKEND UPDATE," COMING UP NEXT. Announcer: AND NOW

NEXT. Announcer: AND NOW "WEEKEND UPDATE" WITH THE

Announcer: AND NOW "WEEKEND UPDATE" WITH THE "WEEKEND UPDATE" NEWS TEAM.

"WEEKEND UPDATE" WITH THE "WEEKEND UPDATE" NEWS TEAM. HERE ARE ANCHORPERSONS

"WEEKEND UPDATE" NEWS TEAM. HERE ARE ANCHORPERSONS BILL MURRAY AND JANE CURTIN.

HERE ARE ANCHORPERSONS BILL MURRAY AND JANE CURTIN. GOOD EVENING.

BILL MURRAY AND JANE CURTIN. GOOD EVENING. I'M JANE CURTIN.

GOOD EVENING. I'M JANE CURTIN. HERE NOW THE NEWS.

I'M JANE CURTIN. HERE NOW THE NEWS. OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT...

HERE NOW THE NEWS. OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT... PRESIDENT CARTER EXPRESSED ANGER

OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT... PRESIDENT CARTER EXPRESSED ANGER AND SHOCK AFTER THE HOUSE OF

PRESIDENT CARTER EXPRESSED ANGER AND SHOCK AFTER THE HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES REJECTED HIS

AND SHOCK AFTER THE HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES REJECTED HIS STANDBY GASOLINE RATIONING PLAN

REPRESENTATIVES REJECTED HIS STANDBY GASOLINE RATIONING PLAN AND CHALLENGED THE HOUSE TO COME

STANDBY GASOLINE RATIONING PLAN AND CHALLENGED THE HOUSE TO COME UP WITH ITS OWN PLAN.

AND CHALLENGED THE HOUSE TO COME UP WITH ITS OWN PLAN. WELL, REPUBLICAN MINORITY

UP WITH ITS OWN PLAN. WELL, REPUBLICAN MINORITY JOHN RHODES REPORTEDLY HAS

WELL, REPUBLICAN MINORITY JOHN RHODES REPORTEDLY HAS DEVELOPED A NEW PLAN WHEREBY

JOHN RHODES REPORTEDLY HAS DEVELOPED A NEW PLAN WHEREBY ONLY WHITE PEOPLE CAN GET GAS.

DEVELOPED A NEW PLAN WHEREBY ONLY WHITE PEOPLE CAN GET GAS. MULATTOS AND ORIENTALS WOULD BE

ONLY WHITE PEOPLE CAN GET GAS. MULATTOS AND ORIENTALS WOULD BE ALLOWED TO FILL THEIR TANKS

MULATTOS AND ORIENTALS WOULD BE ALLOWED TO FILL THEIR TANKS HALFWAY, BUT ONLY WITH REGULAR.

ALLOWED TO FILL THEIR TANKS HALFWAY, BUT ONLY WITH REGULAR. NASA, THE NATIONAL AERONAUTICS

HALFWAY, BUT ONLY WITH REGULAR. NASA, THE NATIONAL AERONAUTICS AND SPACE AGENCY, SAYS THAT

NASA, THE NATIONAL AERONAUTICS AND SPACE AGENCY, SAYS THAT SKYLAB, IT'S 77-TON SPACE

AND SPACE AGENCY, SAYS THAT SKYLAB, IT'S 77-TON SPACE LABORATORY, IS LOSING ITS ORBIT

SKYLAB, IT'S 77-TON SPACE LABORATORY, IS LOSING ITS ORBIT AND WILL HURTLE TOWARD THE EARTH

LABORATORY, IS LOSING ITS ORBIT AND WILL HURTLE TOWARD THE EARTH BETWEEN NOW AND SEPTEMBER.

AND WILL HURTLE TOWARD THE EARTH BETWEEN NOW AND SEPTEMBER. 500 PIECES OF THE VESSEL WILL

BETWEEN NOW AND SEPTEMBER. 500 PIECES OF THE VESSEL WILL SURVIVE REENTRY... THE LARGEST

500 PIECES OF THE VESSEL WILL SURVIVE REENTRY... THE LARGEST WEIGHING 5,000 WITH MANY MORE

SURVIVE REENTRY... THE LARGEST WEIGHING 5,000 WITH MANY MORE OVER 1,000 POUNDS.

WEIGHING 5,000 WITH MANY MORE OVER 1,000 POUNDS. NASA DOESN'T KNOW WHERE ANY OF

OVER 1,000 POUNDS. NASA DOESN'T KNOW WHERE ANY OF THESE LETHAL FIREBALLS WILL

NASA DOESN'T KNOW WHERE ANY OF THESE LETHAL FIREBALLS WILL CRASH TO EARTH, BUT IT IS HOPED

THESE LETHAL FIREBALLS WILL CRASH TO EARTH, BUT IT IS HOPED THAT MOST OF THEM WILL LAND ON

CRASH TO EARTH, BUT IT IS HOPED THAT MOST OF THEM WILL LAND ON NASA HEADQUARTERS IN HOUSTON.

THAT MOST OF THEM WILL LAND ON NASA HEADQUARTERS IN HOUSTON. BILL.

NASA HEADQUARTERS IN HOUSTON. BILL. HOSTILE LABORATORY MICE

BILL. HOSTILE LABORATORY MICE CHANTING, "HARE KRISHNA, HARE

HOSTILE LABORATORY MICE CHANTING, "HARE KRISHNA, HARE KRISHNA, HARE RAMA, HARE RAMA,"

CHANTING, "HARE KRISHNA, HARE KRISHNA, HARE RAMA, HARE RAMA," BROKE OUT OF THEIR CAGES AT

KRISHNA, HARE RAMA, HARE RAMA," BROKE OUT OF THEIR CAGES AT DUKE UNIVERSITY YESTERDAY,

BROKE OUT OF THEIR CAGES AT DUKE UNIVERSITY YESTERDAY, COMMANDEERED GOLF CARTS FROM A

DUKE UNIVERSITY YESTERDAY, COMMANDEERED GOLF CARTS FROM A NEARBY COURSE, AND WENT FOR A

COMMANDEERED GOLF CARTS FROM A NEARBY COURSE, AND WENT FOR A 48-HOUR SPREE THROUGH DOWNTOWN

NEARBY COURSE, AND WENT FOR A 48-HOUR SPREE THROUGH DOWNTOWN DURHAM, NORTH CAROLINA,

48-HOUR SPREE THROUGH DOWNTOWN DURHAM, NORTH CAROLINA, SHATTERING STORE WINDOWS

DURHAM, NORTH CAROLINA, SHATTERING STORE WINDOWS SCREAMING MOUSE INSULTS AND

SHATTERING STORE WINDOWS SCREAMING MOUSE INSULTS AND SHIMMYING UNASHAMEDLY TO A

SCREAMING MOUSE INSULTS AND SHIMMYING UNASHAMEDLY TO A COMBINATION OF DISCO MUSIC AND

SHIMMYING UNASHAMEDLY TO A COMBINATION OF DISCO MUSIC AND PUNK ROCK.

COMBINATION OF DISCO MUSIC AND PUNK ROCK. THERE WERE NO ARRESTS MADE.

PUNK ROCK. THERE WERE NO ARRESTS MADE. WELL, IT LOOKS LIKE AGE HAS

THERE WERE NO ARRESTS MADE. WELL, IT LOOKS LIKE AGE HAS FINALLY CAUGHT UP WITH

WELL, IT LOOKS LIKE AGE HAS FINALLY CAUGHT UP WITH CHICO ESCUELA.

FINALLY CAUGHT UP WITH CHICO ESCUELA. THE 42-YEAR-OLD FORMER MET MADE

CHICO ESCUELA. THE 42-YEAR-OLD FORMER MET MADE THE METS SPRING TRAINING, BUT

THE 42-YEAR-OLD FORMER MET MADE THE METS SPRING TRAINING, BUT ONCE THE SEASON BEGAN, IT WAS A

THE METS SPRING TRAINING, BUT ONCE THE SEASON BEGAN, IT WAS A DIFFERENT STORY.

AS IF HIS ENTIRE BODY BETRAYED

HIM, CHICO LOOKED SPASTIC AND

BEWILDERED BOTH AT BAT AND IN

THE FIELD.

GROUND BALLS THAT CHICO WOULD

HAVE EASILY GOTTEN IN HIS PRIME

ELUDED HIM AND CONTRIBUTED TO

THE METS' SLOW START THIS

SEASON.

ALTHOUGH THE CROWDS WERE ALWAYS

BEHIND THEIR FORMER HERO, HE

NEVER CEASED TO DISAPPOINT THEM.

AS THE SPIRIT WAS WILLING,

CHICO'S ARMS, LEGS, EYES, AND

REFLEXES WERE SHOT TO HELL, AND

THEN THIS.

TO ADD INSULT TO INJURY, A

CRUSHING BLOW OFF THE BAT OF

DODGER STEVE GARVEY.

AFTER BEING REVIVED, A NOW

STERILE CHICO ESCUELA INFORMED

THE METS THAT HE WAS QUITTING

BASEBALL.

THUS ENDS THE INSPIRING SAGA OF CHICO ESCUELA. CHICO WILL REJOIN US HERE AT THE

CHICO ESCUELA. CHICO WILL REJOIN US HERE AT THE "WEEKEND UPDATE" DESK AS SOON AS

CHICO WILL REJOIN US HERE AT THE "WEEKEND UPDATE" DESK AS SOON AS HE CATCHES HIS BREATH.

"WEEKEND UPDATE" DESK AS SOON AS HE CATCHES HIS BREATH. JANE.

HE CATCHES HIS BREATH. JANE. THE NEW YORK STATE HEALTH

JANE. THE NEW YORK STATE HEALTH DEPARTMENT SAID THAT D.E.S., A

THE NEW YORK STATE HEALTH DEPARTMENT SAID THAT D.E.S., A DRUG TAKEN BY PREGNANT MOTHERS

DEPARTMENT SAID THAT D.E.S., A DRUG TAKEN BY PREGNANT MOTHERS TO PREVENT MISCARRIAGES, CAUSES

DRUG TAKEN BY PREGNANT MOTHERS TO PREVENT MISCARRIAGES, CAUSES CANCER IN THEIR CHILDREN.

TO PREVENT MISCARRIAGES, CAUSES CANCER IN THEIR CHILDREN. AS A PUBLIC SERVICE,

CANCER IN THEIR CHILDREN. AS A PUBLIC SERVICE, "WEEKEND UPDATE" PROCLAIMS THAT

AS A PUBLIC SERVICE, "WEEKEND UPDATE" PROCLAIMS THAT ANY CHILD WHOSE MOM HAS TAKEN

"WEEKEND UPDATE" PROCLAIMS THAT ANY CHILD WHOSE MOM HAS TAKEN D.E.S. DOESN'T HAVE TO BUY HER A

ANY CHILD WHOSE MOM HAS TAKEN D.E.S. DOESN'T HAVE TO BUY HER A MOTHER'S DAY GIFT TOMORROW.

D.E.S. DOESN'T HAVE TO BUY HER A MOTHER'S DAY GIFT TOMORROW. LAST WEEK, BRITAIN ELECTED

MOTHER'S DAY GIFT TOMORROW. LAST WEEK, BRITAIN ELECTED MARGARET THATCHER TO BE THE

LAST WEEK, BRITAIN ELECTED MARGARET THATCHER TO BE THE FIRST WOMAN PRIME MINISTER IN

MARGARET THATCHER TO BE THE FIRST WOMAN PRIME MINISTER IN EUROPEAN HISTORY.

FIRST WOMAN PRIME MINISTER IN EUROPEAN HISTORY. RIGHT NOW "WEEKEND UPDATE'S"

EUROPEAN HISTORY. RIGHT NOW "WEEKEND UPDATE'S" SATELLITE IS BOUNCING A LIVE

RIGHT NOW "WEEKEND UPDATE'S" SATELLITE IS BOUNCING A LIVE SIGNAL BETWEEN OUR STUDIOS AND

SATELLITE IS BOUNCING A LIVE SIGNAL BETWEEN OUR STUDIOS AND NUMBER 10 DOWNING STREET,

SIGNAL BETWEEN OUR STUDIOS AND NUMBER 10 DOWNING STREET, LONDON, WHERE PRIME MINISTER

NUMBER 10 DOWNING STREET, LONDON, WHERE PRIME MINISTER THATCHER IS WAITING TO TALK TO

LONDON, WHERE PRIME MINISTER THATCHER IS WAITING TO TALK TO US.

THATCHER IS WAITING TO TALK TO US. MRS. PRIME MINISTER, CAN YOU

US. MRS. PRIME MINISTER, CAN YOU HEAR ME?

MRS. PRIME MINISTER, CAN YOU HEAR ME? YES, YES, I CAN, JANE.

HEAR ME? YES, YES, I CAN, JANE. WELL, FIRST OF ALL, OUR

YES, YES, I CAN, JANE. WELL, FIRST OF ALL, OUR CONGRATULATIONS ON BECOMING

WELL, FIRST OF ALL, OUR CONGRATULATIONS ON BECOMING GREAT BRITAIN'S FIRST WOMAN

CONGRATULATIONS ON BECOMING GREAT BRITAIN'S FIRST WOMAN PRIME MINISTER.

GREAT BRITAIN'S FIRST WOMAN PRIME MINISTER. WELL, THANK YOU, JANE.

PRIME MINISTER. WELL, THANK YOU, JANE. BUT THROUGHOUT OUR HISTORY,

WELL, THANK YOU, JANE. BUT THROUGHOUT OUR HISTORY, GREAT BRITAIN HAS BEEN BLESSED

BUT THROUGHOUT OUR HISTORY, GREAT BRITAIN HAS BEEN BLESSED BY SEVERAL GREAT WOMEN

GREAT BRITAIN HAS BEEN BLESSED BY SEVERAL GREAT WOMEN LEADERS... QUEEN ELIZABETH,

BY SEVERAL GREAT WOMEN LEADERS... QUEEN ELIZABETH, QUEEN VICTORIA, JEREMY THORPE.

LEADERS... QUEEN ELIZABETH, QUEEN VICTORIA, JEREMY THORPE. MRS. THATCHER, DURING THE

QUEEN VICTORIA, JEREMY THORPE. MRS. THATCHER, DURING THE CAMPAIGN, YOU STOPPED WEARING

MRS. THATCHER, DURING THE CAMPAIGN, YOU STOPPED WEARING THOSE OUTLANDISH HATS YOU WERE

CAMPAIGN, YOU STOPPED WEARING THOSE OUTLANDISH HATS YOU WERE KNOWN FOR.

THOSE OUTLANDISH HATS YOU WERE KNOWN FOR. NOW THAT YOU'VE BEEN ELECTED, DO

KNOWN FOR. NOW THAT YOU'VE BEEN ELECTED, DO YOU PLAN TO START WEARING HATS

NOW THAT YOU'VE BEEN ELECTED, DO YOU PLAN TO START WEARING HATS AGAIN?

YOU PLAN TO START WEARING HATS AGAIN? [Laughing] WHAT ARE YOU

AGAIN? [Laughing] WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, JANE?

[Laughing] WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, JANE? THIS IS A HAT.

TALKING ABOUT, JANE? THIS IS A HAT. YES, IT'S MY LUCKY HAT.

THIS IS A HAT. YES, IT'S MY LUCKY HAT. I WORE IT ALL THROUGHOUT THE

YES, IT'S MY LUCKY HAT. I WORE IT ALL THROUGHOUT THE CAMPAIGN.

I WORE IT ALL THROUGHOUT THE CAMPAIGN. I SEE.

CAMPAIGN. I SEE. WELL, TO TURN TO MORE SERIOUS

I SEE. WELL, TO TURN TO MORE SERIOUS MATTERS, MRS. PRIME MINISTER,

WELL, TO TURN TO MORE SERIOUS MATTERS, MRS. PRIME MINISTER, ARE YOU GOING TO REVERSE

MATTERS, MRS. PRIME MINISTER, ARE YOU GOING TO REVERSE ENGLAND'S RHODESIA POLICY AND

ARE YOU GOING TO REVERSE ENGLAND'S RHODESIA POLICY AND LIFT SANCTION AGAINST THE NEW

ENGLAND'S RHODESIA POLICY AND LIFT SANCTION AGAINST THE NEW GOVERNMENT?

LIFT SANCTION AGAINST THE NEW GOVERNMENT? YES.

GOVERNMENT? YES. YES, I AM LEANING THAT WAY,

YES. YES, I AM LEANING THAT WAY, JANE.

YES, I AM LEANING THAT WAY, JANE. AFTER ALL, THERE WAS AN

JANE. AFTER ALL, THERE WAS AN ELECTION... ONE PERSON, ONE

AFTER ALL, THERE WAS AN ELECTION... ONE PERSON, ONE VOTE.

ELECTION... ONE PERSON, ONE VOTE. NOW I ASK YOU...

VOTE. NOW I ASK YOU... EXCUSE ME, IT WASN'T EXACTLY

NOW I ASK YOU... EXCUSE ME, IT WASN'T EXACTLY ONE PERSON, ONE VOTE.

EXCUSE ME, IT WASN'T EXACTLY ONE PERSON, ONE VOTE. THE WHITES WERE OBVIOUSLY...

ONE PERSON, ONE VOTE. THE WHITES WERE OBVIOUSLY... YES, CAN I JUST FINISH?

THE WHITES WERE OBVIOUSLY... YES, CAN I JUST FINISH? THERE IS AN INTERNAL SETTLEMENT.

YES, CAN I JUST FINISH? THERE IS AN INTERNAL SETTLEMENT. THERE IS A BLACK PRIME MINISTER

THERE IS AN INTERNAL SETTLEMENT. THERE IS A BLACK PRIME MINISTER ELECTED IN A DEMOCRATIC

THERE IS A BLACK PRIME MINISTER ELECTED IN A DEMOCRATIC ELECTION.

ELECTED IN A DEMOCRATIC ELECTION. NOT... NOT REALLY DEMOCRATIC.

ELECTION. NOT... NOT REALLY DEMOCRATIC. THE INTERNAL SETTLEMENT WAS...

NOT... NOT REALLY DEMOCRATIC. THE INTERNAL SETTLEMENT WAS... MAY I FINISH?

THE INTERNAL SETTLEMENT WAS... MAY I FINISH? THE INTERNAL SETTLEMENT

MAY I FINISH? THE INTERNAL SETTLEMENT GUARANTEED THE WHITES A

THE INTERNAL SETTLEMENT GUARANTEED THE WHITES A DISPROPORTIONATE NUMBER OF SEATS

GUARANTEED THE WHITES A DISPROPORTIONATE NUMBER OF SEATS IN PARLIAMENT... ENOUGH TO VETO

DISPROPORTIONATE NUMBER OF SEATS IN PARLIAMENT... ENOUGH TO VETO ANY MEANINGFUL CHANGE FOR THE

IN PARLIAMENT... ENOUGH TO VETO ANY MEANINGFUL CHANGE FOR THE NEXT 10 YEARS.

ANY MEANINGFUL CHANGE FOR THE NEXT 10 YEARS. WHITES WILL CONTINUE TO CONTROL

NEXT 10 YEARS. WHITES WILL CONTINUE TO CONTROL THE POLICE, THE ARMY, THE CIVIL

WHITES WILL CONTINUE TO CONTROL THE POLICE, THE ARMY, THE CIVIL SERVICE, HOUSING, PERPETUATING

THE POLICE, THE ARMY, THE CIVIL SERVICE, HOUSING, PERPETUATING THE SYSTEM OF OPPRESSION THAT

SERVICE, HOUSING, PERPETUATING THE SYSTEM OF OPPRESSION THAT FUELS THE FIRE OF REVOLUTION AND

THE SYSTEM OF OPPRESSION THAT FUELS THE FIRE OF REVOLUTION AND CREATES A BREEDING GROUND FOR

FUELS THE FIRE OF REVOLUTION AND CREATES A BREEDING GROUND FOR SOVIET EXPANSIONISM.

CREATES A BREEDING GROUND FOR SOVIET EXPANSIONISM. JANE, YOU'RE AN IGNORANT

SOVIET EXPANSIONISM. JANE, YOU'RE AN IGNORANT SLUT.

JANE, YOU'RE AN IGNORANT SLUT. THANK YOU, PRIME MINISTER

SLUT. THANK YOU, PRIME MINISTER THATCHER FOR JOINING US TONIGHT.

THANK YOU, PRIME MINISTER THATCHER FOR JOINING US TONIGHT. AS S.A.L.T. II APPROACHES,

THATCHER FOR JOINING US TONIGHT. AS S.A.L.T. II APPROACHES, RUMORS ABOUT SOVIET PREMIER

AS S.A.L.T. II APPROACHES, RUMORS ABOUT SOVIET PREMIER BREZHNEV'S HEALTH HAVE

RUMORS ABOUT SOVIET PREMIER BREZHNEV'S HEALTH HAVE INCREASED.

BREZHNEV'S HEALTH HAVE INCREASED. IT WAS REVEALED YESTERDAY THAT

INCREASED. IT WAS REVEALED YESTERDAY THAT VIENNA WAS CHOSEN FOR THE TALKS

IT WAS REVEALED YESTERDAY THAT VIENNA WAS CHOSEN FOR THE TALKS BECAUSE THE AILING SOVIET LEADER

VIENNA WAS CHOSEN FOR THE TALKS BECAUSE THE AILING SOVIET LEADER WOULD ONLY HAVE TO TAKE AN EASY

BECAUSE THE AILING SOVIET LEADER WOULD ONLY HAVE TO TAKE AN EASY TRAIN RIDE.

WOULD ONLY HAVE TO TAKE AN EASY TRAIN RIDE. HERE AT A PARTY MEETING,

TRAIN RIDE. HERE AT A PARTY MEETING, BREZHNEV GRABS A FELLOW MEMBER

HERE AT A PARTY MEETING, BREZHNEV GRABS A FELLOW MEMBER FOR SUPPORT.

BREZHNEV GRABS A FELLOW MEMBER FOR SUPPORT. THIS WEEK, MAY 10 TO BE EXACT,

FOR SUPPORT. THIS WEEK, MAY 10 TO BE EXACT, MARKED THE 80th BIRTHDAY OF ONE

THIS WEEK, MAY 10 TO BE EXACT, MARKED THE 80th BIRTHDAY OF ONE OF OUR IDOLS, FRED ASTAIRE.

MARKED THE 80th BIRTHDAY OF ONE OF OUR IDOLS, FRED ASTAIRE. HE WAS BORN IN 1899, WHICH MEANS

OF OUR IDOLS, FRED ASTAIRE. HE WAS BORN IN 1899, WHICH MEANS HE'S ACTUALLY OLDER THAN THE

HE WAS BORN IN 1899, WHICH MEANS HE'S ACTUALLY OLDER THAN THE 20th CENTURY.

HE'S ACTUALLY OLDER THAN THE 20th CENTURY. AND THIS ONE IS FOR YOU, FRED,

20th CENTURY. AND THIS ONE IS FOR YOU, FRED, FROM ALL OF US.

AND THIS ONE IS FOR YOU, FRED, FROM ALL OF US. Both: ♪ BIRTHDAY ♪

FROM ALL OF US. Both: ♪ BIRTHDAY ♪ ♪ HAPPY BIRTHDAY ♪

Both: ♪ BIRTHDAY ♪ ♪ HAPPY BIRTHDAY ♪ ♪ THOUGH YOUR DANCING SHOES ARE

♪ HAPPY BIRTHDAY ♪ ♪ THOUGH YOUR DANCING SHOES ARE SHOWING WEAR AND TEAR ♪

♪ THOUGH YOUR DANCING SHOES ARE SHOWING WEAR AND TEAR ♪ ♪ YOU HAVE REACHED THE BIG 8-0,

SHOWING WEAR AND TEAR ♪ ♪ YOU HAVE REACHED THE BIG 8-0, AND YOU'RE STILL THERE ♪

♪ YOU HAVE REACHED THE BIG 8-0, AND YOU'RE STILL THERE ♪ ♪ SO I WISH HAPPY BIRTHDAY,

AND YOU'RE STILL THERE ♪ ♪ SO I WISH HAPPY BIRTHDAY, FRED ASTAIRE ♪

♪ SO I WISH HAPPY BIRTHDAY, FRED ASTAIRE ♪ [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

ASTRONOMERS ARE BAFFLED OVER A NEW PECULIAR STAR THAT HAS BEEN SPOTTED IN THE SKY.

A NEW PECULIAR STAR THAT HAS BEEN SPOTTED IN THE SKY. AND HERE WITH A REPORT IS OUR

BEEN SPOTTED IN THE SKY. AND HERE WITH A REPORT IS OUR FRIEND FATHER GUIDO SARDUCCI.

AND HERE WITH A REPORT IS OUR FRIEND FATHER GUIDO SARDUCCI. FATHER.

FRIEND FATHER GUIDO SARDUCCI. FATHER. THANK YOU.

FATHER. THANK YOU. THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

THANK YOU. THANK YOU VERY MUCH. UH, EXCUSE ME, FATHER, I-I

THANK YOU VERY MUCH. UH, EXCUSE ME, FATHER, I-I NOTICE YOU'RE NOT WEARING YOUR

UH, EXCUSE ME, FATHER, I-I NOTICE YOU'RE NOT WEARING YOUR RED STRIPES.

NOTICE YOU'RE NOT WEARING YOUR RED STRIPES. DID SOMETHING HAPPEN, YOU

RED STRIPES. DID SOMETHING HAPPEN, YOU WEREN'T PROMOTED TO MONSIGNOR?

DID SOMETHING HAPPEN, YOU WEREN'T PROMOTED TO MONSIGNOR? WELL, IT WAS... IT WAS JUST

WEREN'T PROMOTED TO MONSIGNOR? WELL, IT WAS... IT WAS JUST POSTPONED A LITTLE BIT, JANE.

WELL, IT WAS... IT WAS JUST POSTPONED A LITTLE BIT, JANE. THEY SAID IT WAS SOME PROBLEM

POSTPONED A LITTLE BIT, JANE. THEY SAID IT WAS SOME PROBLEM WITH THE PAPERWORK, AND I'D HAVE

THEY SAID IT WAS SOME PROBLEM WITH THE PAPERWORK, AND I'D HAVE TO WAIT FOR THE NEXT GROUP.

WITH THE PAPERWORK, AND I'D HAVE TO WAIT FOR THE NEXT GROUP. I DON'T KNOW IF THEY'RE GIVING

TO WAIT FOR THE NEXT GROUP. I DON'T KNOW IF THEY'RE GIVING ME A RING AROUND THE BUSH OR

I DON'T KNOW IF THEY'RE GIVING ME A RING AROUND THE BUSH OR WHAT'S GOING ON, TELL YOU THE

ME A RING AROUND THE BUSH OR WHAT'S GOING ON, TELL YOU THE TRUTH.

WHAT'S GOING ON, TELL YOU THE TRUTH. I THINK IT'S GONNA BE OKAY.

TRUTH. I THINK IT'S GONNA BE OKAY. I'M-A GONNA BE PROMOTED SOON,

I THINK IT'S GONNA BE OKAY. I'M-A GONNA BE PROMOTED SOON, BECAUSE JUST THE OTHER DAY I

I'M-A GONNA BE PROMOTED SOON, BECAUSE JUST THE OTHER DAY I CAME UP WITH A GREAT IDEA, AND I

BECAUSE JUST THE OTHER DAY I CAME UP WITH A GREAT IDEA, AND I THINK THEY'RE REALLY GONNA LIKE

CAME UP WITH A GREAT IDEA, AND I THINK THEY'RE REALLY GONNA LIKE IT AND PROMOTE ME RIGHT AWAY.

THINK THEY'RE REALLY GONNA LIKE IT AND PROMOTE ME RIGHT AWAY. WHAT WAS THE IDEA?

IT AND PROMOTE ME RIGHT AWAY. WHAT WAS THE IDEA? IT'S A-CALLED THE

WHAT WAS THE IDEA? IT'S A-CALLED THE SHRINE-MOBILE.

IT'S A-CALLED THE SHRINE-MOBILE. SHRINE-MOBILE.

SHRINE-MOBILE. SHRINE-MOBILE. I WAS IN-A THIS-A MEETING, YOU

SHRINE-MOBILE. I WAS IN-A THIS-A MEETING, YOU KNOW, AND THERE WAS ALL THESE

I WAS IN-A THIS-A MEETING, YOU KNOW, AND THERE WAS ALL THESE CARDINALS AND BISHOPS, AND THEY

KNOW, AND THERE WAS ALL THESE CARDINALS AND BISHOPS, AND THEY WAS ALL-A REALLY DOWN, YOU KNOW,

CARDINALS AND BISHOPS, AND THEY WAS ALL-A REALLY DOWN, YOU KNOW, AND DEPRESSED 'CAUSE THEY JUST

WAS ALL-A REALLY DOWN, YOU KNOW, AND DEPRESSED 'CAUSE THEY JUST GOT THIS REPORT BACK, AND IT

AND DEPRESSED 'CAUSE THEY JUST GOT THIS REPORT BACK, AND IT SAYS THAT THE TAKE AT THE

GOT THIS REPORT BACK, AND IT SAYS THAT THE TAKE AT THE SHRINES IN ITALY IS OFF 55%.

SAYS THAT THE TAKE AT THE SHRINES IN ITALY IS OFF 55%. AND-A THE REASON IS BECAUSE THE

SHRINES IN ITALY IS OFF 55%. AND-A THE REASON IS BECAUSE THE PRICE OF GASOLINE IS SO

AND-A THE REASON IS BECAUSE THE PRICE OF GASOLINE IS SO EXPENSIVE, AT $2.50 A GALLON,

PRICE OF GASOLINE IS SO EXPENSIVE, AT $2.50 A GALLON, PEOPLE JUST-A CAN'T AFFORD TO

EXPENSIVE, AT $2.50 A GALLON, PEOPLE JUST-A CAN'T AFFORD TO DRIVE TO THE SHRINES.

PEOPLE JUST-A CAN'T AFFORD TO DRIVE TO THE SHRINES. SO I SAYS TO THEM, YOU KNOW,

DRIVE TO THE SHRINES. SO I SAYS TO THEM, YOU KNOW, "WHERE'S THAT OLD WALK-ON-WATER

SO I SAYS TO THEM, YOU KNOW, "WHERE'S THAT OLD WALK-ON-WATER SPIRIT?"

"WHERE'S THAT OLD WALK-ON-WATER SPIRIT?" YOU KNOW?

SPIRIT?" YOU KNOW? PROCTER & GAMBLE WOULDN'T TAKE

YOU KNOW? PROCTER & GAMBLE WOULDN'T TAKE IT SITTING DOWN.

PROCTER & GAMBLE WOULDN'T TAKE IT SITTING DOWN. YOU KNOW, IF THE PEOPLE CAN'T

IT SITTING DOWN. YOU KNOW, IF THE PEOPLE CAN'T DRIVE TO THE SHRINES, YOU

YOU KNOW, IF THE PEOPLE CAN'T DRIVE TO THE SHRINES, YOU DRIVE THE SHRINES TO THE PEOPLE.

DRIVE TO THE SHRINES, YOU DRIVE THE SHRINES TO THE PEOPLE. YOU KNOW, I FIGURED YOU GET

DRIVE THE SHRINES TO THE PEOPLE. YOU KNOW, I FIGURED YOU GET THESE OLD TRUCKS, PUT THE

YOU KNOW, I FIGURED YOU GET THESE OLD TRUCKS, PUT THE STATUES ON THE BACK, PUT-A SOME

THESE OLD TRUCKS, PUT THE STATUES ON THE BACK, PUT-A SOME ROCKS AROUND THE STATUES, PUT

STATUES ON THE BACK, PUT-A SOME ROCKS AROUND THE STATUES, PUT SOME, LIKE, CANDLES ON THE HOOD,

ROCKS AROUND THE STATUES, PUT SOME, LIKE, CANDLES ON THE HOOD, YOU KNOW?

SOME, LIKE, CANDLES ON THE HOOD, YOU KNOW? YOU GET THE SEMINARIANS TO DRIVE

YOU KNOW? YOU GET THE SEMINARIANS TO DRIVE IT... YOU PAY 'EM PEANUTS.

YOU GET THE SEMINARIANS TO DRIVE IT... YOU PAY 'EM PEANUTS. I FIGURE IF WE COULD MAKE, LIKE,

IT... YOU PAY 'EM PEANUTS. I FIGURE IF WE COULD MAKE, LIKE, $100 A TRUCK A MONTH... YOU GET

I FIGURE IF WE COULD MAKE, LIKE, $100 A TRUCK A MONTH... YOU GET 100 TRUCKS... IT'S NOTHING TO

$100 A TRUCK A MONTH... YOU GET 100 TRUCKS... IT'S NOTHING TO SNEEZE-A YOUR NOSE AT, YOU KNOW?

100 TRUCKS... IT'S NOTHING TO SNEEZE-A YOUR NOSE AT, YOU KNOW? SO IT'S GONNA BE GOOD FOR ME.

SNEEZE-A YOUR NOSE AT, YOU KNOW? SO IT'S GONNA BE GOOD FOR ME. WELL, THIS-A NEW PLANET THAT

SO IT'S GONNA BE GOOD FOR ME. WELL, THIS-A NEW PLANET THAT THEY SPOTTED, IT'S REALLY

WELL, THIS-A NEW PLANET THAT THEY SPOTTED, IT'S REALLY SOMETHING.

THEY SPOTTED, IT'S REALLY SOMETHING. IT'S GOT A-THESE ASTRONOMERS

SOMETHING. IT'S GOT A-THESE ASTRONOMERS BAFFLED, AND HOW.

THIS IS IT RIGHT-A HERE, AND I

HOPE YOU CAN SEE IT.

THEY CALL IT SS 433.

AND-A THEY FOUND OUT THAT IT'S COMING TOWARDS EARTH 30,000 MILES A SECOND.

COMING TOWARDS EARTH 30,000 MILES A SECOND. BUT IT'S ALSO GOING AWAY FROM

MILES A SECOND. BUT IT'S ALSO GOING AWAY FROM EARTH 30,000 MILES A SECOND.

BUT IT'S ALSO GOING AWAY FROM EARTH 30,000 MILES A SECOND. IT SEEMS TO BE COMING AND GOING

EARTH 30,000 MILES A SECOND. IT SEEMS TO BE COMING AND GOING AT THE SAME TIME.

IT SEEMS TO BE COMING AND GOING AT THE SAME TIME. IT JUST BREAKS ALL OF THE LAWS

AT THE SAME TIME. IT JUST BREAKS ALL OF THE LAWS OF PHYSICS.

IT JUST BREAKS ALL OF THE LAWS OF PHYSICS. THEY DON'T KNOW WHAT TO MAKE OF

OF PHYSICS. THEY DON'T KNOW WHAT TO MAKE OF IT.

THEY DON'T KNOW WHAT TO MAKE OF IT. SO I WENT TO THE VATICAN

IT. SO I WENT TO THE VATICAN LIBRARY, LOOKED UP THESE OLD

SO I WENT TO THE VATICAN LIBRARY, LOOKED UP THESE OLD ARCHIVES.

LIBRARY, LOOKED UP THESE OLD ARCHIVES. YOU KNOW WE'VE BEEN INVOLVED

ARCHIVES. YOU KNOW WE'VE BEEN INVOLVED WITH ASTRONOMY, ASTROLOGY FOR

YOU KNOW WE'VE BEEN INVOLVED WITH ASTRONOMY, ASTROLOGY FOR YEARS AND YEARS... HUNDREDS OF

WITH ASTRONOMY, ASTROLOGY FOR YEARS AND YEARS... HUNDREDS OF YEARS.

YEARS AND YEARS... HUNDREDS OF YEARS. AND I DID FIND IT, IN-A THIS

YEARS. AND I DID FIND IT, IN-A THIS OLD BOOK.

AND I DID FIND IT, IN-A THIS OLD BOOK. IT WAS CALLED... THE PLANET WAS

OLD BOOK. IT WAS CALLED... THE PLANET WAS CALLED VIENE ET VIENUM PLANET.

IT WAS CALLED... THE PLANET WAS CALLED VIENE ET VIENUM PLANET. IT MEANS COMING-AND-A-GOING

CALLED VIENE ET VIENUM PLANET. IT MEANS COMING-AND-A-GOING PLANET.

IT MEANS COMING-AND-A-GOING PLANET. AND IN THE BOOK IT SAYS THAT

PLANET. AND IN THE BOOK IT SAYS THAT THERE IS LIFE THERE, AND IT'S-A

AND IN THE BOOK IT SAYS THAT THERE IS LIFE THERE, AND IT'S-A VERY INTERESTING.

THERE IS LIFE THERE, AND IT'S-A VERY INTERESTING. EVERYBODY ON THAT PLANET LIVES

VERY INTERESTING. EVERYBODY ON THAT PLANET LIVES TO BE 200 YEARS OLD.

EVERYBODY ON THAT PLANET LIVES TO BE 200 YEARS OLD. BUT IT'S NOT LIKE THEY GET TO

TO BE 200 YEARS OLD. BUT IT'S NOT LIKE THEY GET TO BE REAL OLD.

BUT IT'S NOT LIKE THEY GET TO BE REAL OLD. WHAT HAPPENS IS, THEY GET TO BE

BE REAL OLD. WHAT HAPPENS IS, THEY GET TO BE 100, THEN THEY START GOING BACK

WHAT HAPPENS IS, THEY GET TO BE 100, THEN THEY START GOING BACK AGAIN.

100, THEN THEY START GOING BACK AGAIN. IT'S-A LIKE, YOU KNOW, 70, 80,

AGAIN. IT'S-A LIKE, YOU KNOW, 70, 80, 90, 100.

IT'S-A LIKE, YOU KNOW, 70, 80, 90, 100. THEN 90, 70... YOU KNOW, 80, 70,

90, 100. THEN 90, 70... YOU KNOW, 80, 70, 60.

THEN 90, 70... YOU KNOW, 80, 70, 60. THEN YOU'RE LIKE A TEENAGER

60. THEN YOU'RE LIKE A TEENAGER AGAIN, THEN, YOU KNOW, A KID

THEN YOU'RE LIKE A TEENAGER AGAIN, THEN, YOU KNOW, A KID AGAIN.

AGAIN, THEN, YOU KNOW, A KID AGAIN. AND THEN YOU HAVE TO GO BACK.

AGAIN. AND THEN YOU HAVE TO GO BACK. [LAUGHTER]

AND THEN YOU HAVE TO GO BACK. [LAUGHTER] IT'S...

[LAUGHTER] IT'S... [APPLAUSE]

IT'S... [APPLAUSE] YOU HAVE TO GO BACK, YOU KNOW.

[APPLAUSE] YOU HAVE TO GO BACK, YOU KNOW. I UNDERSTAND FROM THIS LITTLE

YOU HAVE TO GO BACK, YOU KNOW. I UNDERSTAND FROM THIS LITTLE ARTICLE, IT SAYS IT'S EVEN MORE

I UNDERSTAND FROM THIS LITTLE ARTICLE, IT SAYS IT'S EVEN MORE TRAUMATIC THAN BEING BORN.

ARTICLE, IT SAYS IT'S EVEN MORE TRAUMATIC THAN BEING BORN. AND WHAT'S INTERESTING... PEOPLE

TRAUMATIC THAN BEING BORN. AND WHAT'S INTERESTING... PEOPLE ON THIS PLANET, JUST FROM

AND WHAT'S INTERESTING... PEOPLE ON THIS PLANET, JUST FROM LOOKING AT ONE ANOTHER, THEY

ON THIS PLANET, JUST FROM LOOKING AT ONE ANOTHER, THEY CAN'T TELL WHO'S-A COMING AND

LOOKING AT ONE ANOTHER, THEY CAN'T TELL WHO'S-A COMING AND WHO'S-A GOING.

CAN'T TELL WHO'S-A COMING AND WHO'S-A GOING. YOU KNOW, SO, LIKE, MAYBE TWO

WHO'S-A GOING. YOU KNOW, SO, LIKE, MAYBE TWO PEOPLE MEET AND THEY'RE BOTH 20

YOU KNOW, SO, LIKE, MAYBE TWO PEOPLE MEET AND THEY'RE BOTH 20 YEARS OLD... A FELLOW AND A

PEOPLE MEET AND THEY'RE BOTH 20 YEARS OLD... A FELLOW AND A GIRL.

YEARS OLD... A FELLOW AND A GIRL. THEY'RE 20, AND FIRST THING, YOU

GIRL. THEY'RE 20, AND FIRST THING, YOU KNOW, HE'S LIKE 22 AND SHE'S 18.

THEY'RE 20, AND FIRST THING, YOU KNOW, HE'S LIKE 22 AND SHE'S 18. THEN, YOU KNOW, HE'S-A 25 AND

KNOW, HE'S LIKE 22 AND SHE'S 18. THEN, YOU KNOW, HE'S-A 25 AND SHE'S 15.

THEN, YOU KNOW, HE'S-A 25 AND SHE'S 15. AND, YOU KNOW, PRETTY... PRETTY

SHE'S 15. AND, YOU KNOW, PRETTY... PRETTY SOON, YOU FIND YOURSELF IN A

AND, YOU KNOW, PRETTY... PRETTY SOON, YOU FIND YOURSELF IN A LOT OF TROUBLE.

SOON, YOU FIND YOURSELF IN A LOT OF TROUBLE. [LAUGHTER]

LOT OF TROUBLE. [LAUGHTER] AND THEN... AND THEN, THE FIRST

[LAUGHTER] AND THEN... AND THEN, THE FIRST THING, YOU GOT A LITTLE BABY ON

AND THEN... AND THEN, THE FIRST THING, YOU GOT A LITTLE BABY ON YOUR HANDS, YOU KNOW?

THING, YOU GOT A LITTLE BABY ON YOUR HANDS, YOU KNOW? I READ ABOUT-A THIS OTHER

YOUR HANDS, YOU KNOW? I READ ABOUT-A THIS OTHER PLANET, TOO, IN THE SAME BOOK.

I READ ABOUT-A THIS OTHER PLANET, TOO, IN THE SAME BOOK. IT'S-A, LIKE, THE SUN IS-A HERE,

PLANET, TOO, IN THE SAME BOOK. IT'S-A, LIKE, THE SUN IS-A HERE, AND THE EARTH IS-A HERE.

IT'S-A, LIKE, THE SUN IS-A HERE, AND THE EARTH IS-A HERE. AND ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE

AND THE EARTH IS-A HERE. AND ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE SUN, THERE'S THIS OTHER PLANET.

AND ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE SUN, THERE'S THIS OTHER PLANET. WE CAN'T SEE IT BECAUSE, YOU

SUN, THERE'S THIS OTHER PLANET. WE CAN'T SEE IT BECAUSE, YOU KNOW, THE SUN'S BLOCKING IT-A

WE CAN'T SEE IT BECAUSE, YOU KNOW, THE SUN'S BLOCKING IT-A FROM US.

KNOW, THE SUN'S BLOCKING IT-A FROM US. BUT IT'S JUST LIKE EARTH IN

FROM US. BUT IT'S JUST LIKE EARTH IN EVERY SINGLE WAY.

BUT IT'S JUST LIKE EARTH IN EVERY SINGLE WAY. IT'S LIKE A MIRROR PLANET OF

EVERY SINGLE WAY. IT'S LIKE A MIRROR PLANET OF EARTH.

IT'S LIKE A MIRROR PLANET OF EARTH. THERE'S ONLY ONE DIFFERENCE, AND

EARTH. THERE'S ONLY ONE DIFFERENCE, AND THAT IS THAT THEY EAT CORN ON

THERE'S ONLY ONE DIFFERENCE, AND THAT IS THAT THEY EAT CORN ON THE COB LIKE THIS.

THAT IS THAT THEY EAT CORN ON THE COB LIKE THIS. [LAUGHTER]

THE COB LIKE THIS. [LAUGHTER] THAT'S IT!

[LAUGHTER] THAT'S IT! THAT'S THE ONLY DIFFERENCE.

THAT'S IT! THAT'S THE ONLY DIFFERENCE. THAT'S IT.

THAT'S THE ONLY DIFFERENCE. THAT'S IT. I'M NOT GOING THERE.

THAT'S IT. I'M NOT GOING THERE. YOU KNOW, IT'S TOO MESSY, YOU

I'M NOT GOING THERE. YOU KNOW, IT'S TOO MESSY, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

YOU KNOW, IT'S TOO MESSY, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? I'M USED TO EATING IT LIKE-A

KNOW WHAT I MEAN? I'M USED TO EATING IT LIKE-A THIS, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

I'M USED TO EATING IT LIKE-A THIS, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? I JUST DON'T WANT TO CHANGE.

THIS, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? I JUST DON'T WANT TO CHANGE. YOU KNOW, IT'S A HABIT, LIKE,

I JUST DON'T WANT TO CHANGE. YOU KNOW, IT'S A HABIT, LIKE, YOU KNOW.

YOU KNOW, IT'S A HABIT, LIKE, YOU KNOW. WELL, IT WAS-A MORE THAN

YOU KNOW. WELL, IT WAS-A MORE THAN WONDERFUL SPENDING A COUPLE OF

WELL, IT WAS-A MORE THAN WONDERFUL SPENDING A COUPLE OF MOMENTS WITH YOU.

WONDERFUL SPENDING A COUPLE OF MOMENTS WITH YOU. ARRIVEDERCI, AMERICA!

MOMENTS WITH YOU. ARRIVEDERCI, AMERICA! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

ARRIVEDERCI, AMERICA! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] THANK YOU, THANK YOU.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] THANK YOU, THANK YOU. THAT'S THE NEWS.

THANK YOU, THANK YOU. THAT'S THE NEWS. GOOD NIGHT, AND HAVE A PLEASANT

THAT'S THE NEWS. GOOD NIGHT, AND HAVE A PLEASANT MOTHER'S DAY.

GOOD NIGHT, AND HAVE A PLEASANT MOTHER'S DAY. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

MOTHER'S DAY. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] [INTRO TO "UP ON THE ROOF"

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] [INTRO TO "UP ON THE ROOF" PLAYS]

[INTRO TO "UP ON THE ROOF" PLAYS] ♪ WHEN THIS OLD WORLD STARTS

[PLAYS] ♪ WHEN THIS OLD WORLD STARTS GETTING ME DOWN ♪

♪ WHEN THIS OLD WORLD STARTS GETTING ME DOWN ♪ ♪ AND PEOPLE ARE JUST TOO MUCH

GETTING ME DOWN ♪ ♪ AND PEOPLE ARE JUST TOO MUCH FOR ME TO FACE ♪

♪ AND PEOPLE ARE JUST TOO MUCH FOR ME TO FACE ♪ ♪ I'LL CLIMB WAY UP TO THE TOP

FOR ME TO FACE ♪ ♪ I'LL CLIMB WAY UP TO THE TOP OF THE STAIRS ♪

♪ I'LL CLIMB WAY UP TO THE TOP OF THE STAIRS ♪ ♪ AND ALL MY CARES JUST DRIFT

OF THE STAIRS ♪ ♪ AND ALL MY CARES JUST DRIFT RIGHT INTO SPACE ♪

♪ AND ALL MY CARES JUST DRIFT RIGHT INTO SPACE ♪ ♪ ON THE ROOF, IT'S PEACEFUL AS

RIGHT INTO SPACE ♪ ♪ ON THE ROOF, IT'S PEACEFUL AS CAN BE ♪

♪ ON THE ROOF, IT'S PEACEFUL AS CAN BE ♪ ♪ AND THERE THE WORLD BELOW

CAN BE ♪ ♪ AND THERE THE WORLD BELOW WON'T BOTHER ME ♪

♪ AND THERE THE WORLD BELOW WON'T BOTHER ME ♪ ♪ NO, NO ♪

WON'T BOTHER ME ♪ ♪ NO, NO ♪ ♪ NO, NO ♪

♪ NO, NO ♪ ♪ NO, NO ♪ ♪ SO, WHEN I COME HOME FEELING

♪ NO, NO ♪ ♪ SO, WHEN I COME HOME FEELING TIRED AND BEAT ♪

♪ SO, WHEN I COME HOME FEELING TIRED AND BEAT ♪ ♪ I'D LIKE TO GO UP WHERE THE

TIRED AND BEAT ♪ ♪ I'D LIKE TO GO UP WHERE THE AIR IS FRESH AND SWEET ♪

♪ I'D LIKE TO GO UP WHERE THE AIR IS FRESH AND SWEET ♪ ♪ I'LL GET FAR AWAY FROM THE

AIR IS FRESH AND SWEET ♪ ♪ I'LL GET FAR AWAY FROM THE HUSTLING CROWD ♪

♪ I'LL GET FAR AWAY FROM THE HUSTLING CROWD ♪ ♪ AND ALL THAT RAT-RACE NOISE

HUSTLING CROWD ♪ ♪ AND ALL THAT RAT-RACE NOISE DOWN IN THE STREET ♪

♪ AND ALL THAT RAT-RACE NOISE DOWN IN THE STREET ♪ ♪ ON THE ROOF, THAT'S THE ONLY

DOWN IN THE STREET ♪ ♪ ON THE ROOF, THAT'S THE ONLY PLACE I KNOW ♪

♪ ON THE ROOF, THAT'S THE ONLY PLACE I KNOW ♪ ♪ LOOK AT THE CITY, BABY ♪

PLACE I KNOW ♪ ♪ LOOK AT THE CITY, BABY ♪ ♪ WHERE YOU JUST HAVE TO WISH TO

♪ LOOK AT THE CITY, BABY ♪ ♪ WHERE YOU JUST HAVE TO WISH TO MAKE IT ♪

♪ WHERE YOU JUST HAVE TO WISH TO MAKE IT ♪ ♪ SO, LETS GO UP ON THE ROOF ♪

♪ YES, AND AT NIGHT THE STARS, THEY PUT ON A SHOW FOR FREE ♪ ♪ AND, DARLING, YOU CAN SHARE IT

THEY PUT ON A SHOW FOR FREE ♪ ♪ AND, DARLING, YOU CAN SHARE IT ALL WITH ME ♪

♪ AND, DARLING, YOU CAN SHARE IT ALL WITH ME ♪ ♪ THAT'S RIGHT, I KEEP ON

ALL WITH ME ♪ ♪ THAT'S RIGHT, I KEEP ON TELLING YOU ♪

♪ THAT'S RIGHT, I KEEP ON TELLING YOU ♪ ♪ THAT RIGHT SMACK-DAB IN THE

TELLING YOU ♪ ♪ THAT RIGHT SMACK-DAB IN THE MIDDLE OF TOWN ♪

♪ THAT RIGHT SMACK-DAB IN THE MIDDLE OF TOWN ♪ ♪ I FOUND A PARADISE THAT'S

MIDDLE OF TOWN ♪ ♪ I FOUND A PARADISE THAT'S TROUBLEPROOF ♪

♪ I FOUND A PARADISE THAT'S TROUBLEPROOF ♪ ♪ AND IF THIS OLD WORLD STARTS

TROUBLEPROOF ♪ ♪ AND IF THIS OLD WORLD STARTS TO GETTING YOU DOWN ♪

♪ AND IF THIS OLD WORLD STARTS TO GETTING YOU DOWN ♪ ♪ THERE'S ROOM ENOUGH FOR TWO

TO GETTING YOU DOWN ♪ ♪ THERE'S ROOM ENOUGH FOR TWO UP ON THE ROOF ♪

♪ THERE'S ROOM ENOUGH FOR TWO UP ON THE ROOF ♪ ♪ UP ON THE ROOF ♪

UP ON THE ROOF ♪ ♪ UP ON THE ROOF ♪ ♪ UP ON THE RO-O-O-O-OF ♪

♪ UP ON THE ROOF ♪ ♪ UP ON THE RO-O-O-O-OF ♪ ♪ OH, OH ♪

♪ UP ON THE RO-O-O-O-OF ♪ ♪ OH, OH ♪ ♪ LOOK WHAT YOU'RE DOING, BABY ♪

♪ OH, OH ♪ ♪ LOOK WHAT YOU'RE DOING, BABY ♪ ♪ CLIMB UP THE STAIRS WITH ME

♪ LOOK WHAT YOU'RE DOING, BABY ♪ ♪ CLIMB UP THE STAIRS WITH ME AND SEE A STARRY NIGHT ♪

♪ CLIMB UP THE STAIRS WITH ME AND SEE A STARRY NIGHT ♪ ♪ WE GOT THE STARS ABOVE AND THE

AND SEE A STARRY NIGHT ♪ ♪ WE GOT THE STARS ABOVE AND THE CITY LIGHTS BELOW ♪

♪ WE GOT THE STARS ABOVE AND THE CITY LIGHTS BELOW ♪ ♪ U-U-U-U-P ON THE ROOF, NOW ♪

CITY LIGHTS BELOW ♪ ♪ U-U-U-U-P ON THE ROOF, NOW ♪ ♪ WHOA, BABY ♪

♪ U-U-U-U-P ON THE ROOF, NOW ♪ ♪ WHOA, BABY ♪ ♪ CLIMB UP THE STAIRS WITH ME

♪ WHOA, BABY ♪ ♪ CLIMB UP THE STAIRS WITH ME TONIGHT ♪

♪ CLIMB UP THE STAIRS WITH ME TONIGHT ♪ ♪ WHOO ♪

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

MAY 1979. LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA. THE AMERICAN CITY MOST DEPENDENT

LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA. THE AMERICAN CITY MOST DEPENDENT ON THE AUTOMOBILE AND FOREIGN

THE AMERICAN CITY MOST DEPENDENT ON THE AUTOMOBILE AND FOREIGN OIL IS DEVASTATED BY THE SERIOUS

ON THE AUTOMOBILE AND FOREIGN OIL IS DEVASTATED BY THE SERIOUS GAS SHORTAGE.

OIL IS DEVASTATED BY THE SERIOUS GAS SHORTAGE. NOWHERE IS THIS CRISIS MORE

GAS SHORTAGE. NOWHERE IS THIS CRISIS MORE EVIDENT THAN IN EAST L.A., WHERE

NOWHERE IS THIS CRISIS MORE EVIDENT THAN IN EAST L.A., WHERE RESTLESS YOUTHS CRUISE DOWN

EVIDENT THAN IN EAST L.A., WHERE RESTLESS YOUTHS CRUISE DOWN THE...

[Spanish accent] HEY, PABLO! [Spanish accent] HEY,

PABLO! [Spanish accent] HEY, DONNA, WHY YOU WALKING, HOMEBOY?

[Spanish accent] HEY, DONNA, WHY YOU WALKING, HOMEBOY? WHERE'S YOUR CAR?

DONNA, WHY YOU WALKING, HOMEBOY? WHERE'S YOUR CAR? OH, IT'S OUT OF GAS, PABLO.

WHERE'S YOUR CAR? OH, IT'S OUT OF GAS, PABLO. YEAH, PEOPLE ARE GETTING

OH, IT'S OUT OF GAS, PABLO. YEAH, PEOPLE ARE GETTING CRAZY.

YEAH, PEOPLE ARE GETTING CRAZY. iQUé DE MADRE!

CRAZY. iQUé DE MADRE! ESE, WE ARE BROTHERS.

IQUé DE MADRE! ESE, WE ARE BROTHERS. WHERE DID YOU GET THAT?

ESE, WE ARE BROTHERS. WHERE DID YOU GET THAT? UH...

WHERE DID YOU GET THAT? UH... KNOCK ON THAT DOOR.

UH... KNOCK ON THAT DOOR. TELL 'EM I SENT YOU.

KNOCK ON THAT DOOR. TELL 'EM I SENT YOU. MAYBE HE'LL SELL YOU A LITTLE

TELL 'EM I SENT YOU. MAYBE HE'LL SELL YOU A LITTLE BIT, OKAY?

MAYBE HE'LL SELL YOU A LITTLE BIT, OKAY? I SEE.

BIT, OKAY? I SEE. RIGHT OVER THERE.

I SEE. RIGHT OVER THERE. OH, HERE COMES THAT NOSY COP.

RIGHT OVER THERE. OH, HERE COMES THAT NOSY COP. WELL, WELL.

OH, HERE COMES THAT NOSY COP. WELL, WELL. PABLO AND DONNA.

WELL, WELL. PABLO AND DONNA. WHAT'S HAPPENING, AMIGOS? HUH?

PABLO AND DONNA. WHAT'S HAPPENING, AMIGOS? HUH? WHAT'S IN THE CAN, PABLO?

WHAT'S HAPPENING, AMIGOS? HUH? WHAT'S IN THE CAN, PABLO? UH, IT'S JELLY BEANS LEFTOVER

WHAT'S IN THE CAN, PABLO? UH, IT'S JELLY BEANS LEFTOVER FROM EASTER.

UH, IT'S JELLY BEANS LEFTOVER FROM EASTER. LISTEN, LISTEN, PUNK.

FROM EASTER. LISTEN, LISTEN, PUNK. I WANT YOU TO GET OUT OF HERE,

LISTEN, LISTEN, PUNK. I WANT YOU TO GET OUT OF HERE, YOU HEAR?

I WANT YOU TO GET OUT OF HERE, YOU HEAR? I DON'T WANT TO SEE YOU HANGING

YOU HEAR? I DON'T WANT TO SEE YOU HANGING AROUND.

I DON'T WANT TO SEE YOU HANGING AROUND. NOW, GET MOVING.

AROUND. NOW, GET MOVING. NOT YOU, DONNA.

NOW, GET MOVING. NOT YOU, DONNA. I WANT A WORD WITH YOU.

NOT YOU, DONNA. I WANT A WORD WITH YOU. ME?

I WANT A WORD WITH YOU. ME? YEAH, CARLOS.

ME? YEAH, CARLOS. YOU WEREN'T IN SCHOOL TODAY.

YEAH, CARLOS. YOU WEREN'T IN SCHOOL TODAY. THAT'S BECAUSE I DIDN'T HAVE

YOU WEREN'T IN SCHOOL TODAY. THAT'S BECAUSE I DIDN'T HAVE NO GAS.

THAT'S BECAUSE I DIDN'T HAVE NO GAS. WHY YOU ALWAYS HASSLING ME?

NO GAS. WHY YOU ALWAYS HASSLING ME? BECAUSE YOU'RE A MEMBER OF

WHY YOU ALWAYS HASSLING ME? BECAUSE YOU'RE A MEMBER OF THE CARDOBAS, AND THE CARDOBAS

BECAUSE YOU'RE A MEMBER OF THE CARDOBAS, AND THE CARDOBAS IS A GANG.

THE CARDOBAS, AND THE CARDOBAS IS A GANG. WE ARE NOT A GANG.

IS A GANG. WE ARE NOT A GANG. WE ARE A CLUB.

WE ARE NOT A GANG. WE ARE A CLUB. OH, DON'T TELL ME ABOUT

WE ARE A CLUB. OH, DON'T TELL ME ABOUT CLUBS.

OH, DON'T TELL ME ABOUT CLUBS. CLUB'S A GANG... I WAS IN A

CLUBS. CLUB'S A GANG... I WAS IN A GANG.

CLUB'S A GANG... I WAS IN A GANG. SO DON'T TELL ME.

GANG. SO DON'T TELL ME. AH, WHATEVER HAPPENED TO YOUR

SO DON'T TELL ME. AH, WHATEVER HAPPENED TO YOUR GANG, MAN?

AH, WHATEVER HAPPENED TO YOUR GANG, MAN? HA HA HA.

GANG, MAN? HA HA HA. THEY KICKED ME OUT.

HA HA HA. THEY KICKED ME OUT. SO I BECAME A COP.

THEY KICKED ME OUT. SO I BECAME A COP. WELL, WE ARE NOT LIKE YOU,

SO I BECAME A COP. WELL, WE ARE NOT LIKE YOU, ESE.

WELL, WE ARE NOT LIKE YOU, ESE. WE ARE CHICANOS.

ESE. WE ARE CHICANOS. AND TO BE A CHICANO MEANS TO BE

WE ARE CHICANOS. AND TO BE A CHICANO MEANS TO BE PROUD AND TO DRIVE UP AND DOWN

AND TO BE A CHICANO MEANS TO BE PROUD AND TO DRIVE UP AND DOWN THE BOULEVARD ALL DAY AND ALL

PROUD AND TO DRIVE UP AND DOWN THE BOULEVARD ALL DAY AND ALL NIGHT IN BIG CARS LOW TO THE

THE BOULEVARD ALL DAY AND ALL NIGHT IN BIG CARS LOW TO THE GROUND.

NIGHT IN BIG CARS LOW TO THE GROUND. SAY, SAY, DONNA, YOU GOT A

GROUND. SAY, SAY, DONNA, YOU GOT A GOOD HEAD.

SAY, SAY, DONNA, YOU GOT A GOOD HEAD. WISE UP.

GOOD HEAD. WISE UP. TALK TO ME.

WISE UP. TALK TO ME. I GOT NOTHING TO SAY TO YOU.

TALK TO ME. I GOT NOTHING TO SAY TO YOU. WELL, REMEMBER, I'M KEEPING

I GOT NOTHING TO SAY TO YOU. WELL, REMEMBER, I'M KEEPING AN EYE ON YOU AND YOUR GANG.

WELL, REMEMBER, I'M KEEPING AN EYE ON YOU AND YOUR GANG. IT'S NOT A GANG... IT'S A

AN EYE ON YOU AND YOUR GANG. IT'S NOT A GANG... IT'S A CLUB!

IT'S NOT A GANG... IT'S A CLUB! AH, YOU'RE GIVING ME A

CLUB! AH, YOU'RE GIVING ME A HEADACHE.

AH, YOU'RE GIVING ME A HEADACHE. THAT'S BECAUSE YOU GOT A HOLE

HEADACHE. THAT'S BECAUSE YOU GOT A HOLE IN YOUR HEAD, MAN.

SORRY. WE'RE CLOSED. EH, PABLO SENT ME. COME ON, MAN.

EH, PABLO SENT ME. COME ON, MAN. HE SAID I COULD GET SOME STUFF

COME ON, MAN. HE SAID I COULD GET SOME STUFF HERE.

HE SAID I COULD GET SOME STUFF HERE. WHAT STUFF?

HERE. WHAT STUFF? YOU KNOW, STUFF.

WHAT STUFF? YOU KNOW, STUFF. STUFF, YOU KNOW, LIKE GAS.

YOU KNOW, STUFF. STUFF, YOU KNOW, LIKE GAS. OH, NO, YOU GOT THE WRONG

STUFF, YOU KNOW, LIKE GAS. OH, NO, YOU GOT THE WRONG GUY.

OH, NO, YOU GOT THE WRONG GUY. I'M A JAGUAR MECHANIC.

GUY. I'M A JAGUAR MECHANIC. THIS IS A GARAGE.

I'M A JAGUAR MECHANIC. THIS IS A GARAGE. I WORK ON EXPENSIVE EUROPEAN

THIS IS A GARAGE. I WORK ON EXPENSIVE EUROPEAN CARS.

I WORK ON EXPENSIVE EUROPEAN CARS. I'M NOT SOME KIND OF GAS DEALER.

CARS. I'M NOT SOME KIND OF GAS DEALER. HEY, MAN, I GOT MONEY.

I'M NOT SOME KIND OF GAS DEALER. HEY, MAN, I GOT MONEY. I REALLY NEED THE STUFF.

HEY, MAN, I GOT MONEY. I REALLY NEED THE STUFF. PLEASE.

I REALLY NEED THE STUFF. PLEASE. YOU SAY YOU KNOW PABLO, EH?

PLEASE. YOU SAY YOU KNOW PABLO, EH? YEAH, WE ARE BROTHERS.

YOU SAY YOU KNOW PABLO, EH? YEAH, WE ARE BROTHERS. ALL RIGHT, HERE'S THE DEAL.

YEAH, WE ARE BROTHERS. ALL RIGHT, HERE'S THE DEAL. LIKE I SAID, I DON'T SELL GAS.

ALL RIGHT, HERE'S THE DEAL. LIKE I SAID, I DON'T SELL GAS. HOWEVER, SOMETIMES I DO PROVIDE

LIKE I SAID, I DON'T SELL GAS. HOWEVER, SOMETIMES I DO PROVIDE A SERVICE FOR A FEW SELECT

HOWEVER, SOMETIMES I DO PROVIDE A SERVICE FOR A FEW SELECT CUSTOMERS.

A SERVICE FOR A FEW SELECT CUSTOMERS. HOW MUCH?

CUSTOMERS. HOW MUCH? FIVE BUCKS A BUCKET.

HOW MUCH? FIVE BUCKS A BUCKET. FIVE BUCKS A BUCKET?

FIVE BUCKS A BUCKET. FIVE BUCKS A BUCKET? IT'S FOUR IN THE BARRIO.

FIVE BUCKS A BUCKET? IT'S FOUR IN THE BARRIO. WELL, THIS ISN'T THE BARRIO,

IT'S FOUR IN THE BARRIO. WELL, THIS ISN'T THE BARRIO, ZORRO.

WELL, THIS ISN'T THE BARRIO, ZORRO. IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT, JUST

ZORRO. IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT, JUST FORGET IT.

IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT, JUST FORGET IT. GO AND FIND AN ESKIMO TO SELL

FORGET IT. GO AND FIND AN ESKIMO TO SELL YOU SOME BLUBBER.

GO AND FIND AN ESKIMO TO SELL YOU SOME BLUBBER. NO, WAIT, WAIT.

YOU SOME BLUBBER. NO, WAIT, WAIT. UH, CAN I SEE IT, MAYBE GET A

NO, WAIT, WAIT. UH, CAN I SEE IT, MAYBE GET A TASTE?

UH, CAN I SEE IT, MAYBE GET A TASTE? SORRY, NO TASTES.

TASTE? SORRY, NO TASTES. BUT YOU CAN LOOK AT IT.

SORRY, NO TASTES. BUT YOU CAN LOOK AT IT. HEY, IS THIS STUFF GOOD?

BUT YOU CAN LOOK AT IT. HEY, IS THIS STUFF GOOD? GOOD? GOOD? WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

HEY, IS THIS STUFF GOOD? GOOD? GOOD? WHAT DO YOU MEAN? HAVE YOU EVER HEARD OF ROYAL

GOOD? GOOD? WHAT DO YOU MEAN? HAVE YOU EVER HEARD OF ROYAL DUTCH?

HAVE YOU EVER HEARD OF ROYAL DUTCH? REALLY GOOD, HUH.

DUTCH? REALLY GOOD, HUH. ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.

REALLY GOOD, HUH. ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT. HERE'S FIVE BUCKS.

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT. HERE'S FIVE BUCKS. FINE. NOW GET OUT OF HERE AND

HERE'S FIVE BUCKS. FINE. NOW GET OUT OF HERE AND FORGET WHERE YOU GOT IT.

FINE. NOW GET OUT OF HERE AND FORGET WHERE YOU GOT IT. WAIT A MINUTE.

FORGET WHERE YOU GOT IT. WAIT A MINUTE. COULD YOU WIPE MY WINDSHIELD?

WAIT A MINUTE. COULD YOU WIPE MY WINDSHIELD? ARE YOU KIDDING?

COULD YOU WIPE MY WINDSHIELD? ARE YOU KIDDING? COULD YOU CHECK MY TIRE

ARE YOU KIDDING? COULD YOU CHECK MY TIRE PRESSURE?

COULD YOU CHECK MY TIRE PRESSURE? GET LOST.

PRESSURE? GET LOST. CAN I HAVE THE KEY TO THE

GET LOST. CAN I HAVE THE KEY TO THE WASHROOM?

CAN I HAVE THE KEY TO THE WASHROOM? DROP DEAD, GET OUT OF HERE,

WASHROOM? DROP DEAD, GET OUT OF HERE, DROP DEAD.

DROP DEAD, GET OUT OF HERE, DROP DEAD. YOU'LL BE WANTING A MAP NEXT.

DROP DEAD. YOU'LL BE WANTING A MAP NEXT. GO ON, DROP DEAD, GO ON.

YOU'LL BE WANTING A MAP NEXT. GO ON, DROP DEAD, GO ON. HEY!

DADDY, DID THE... DID THE DOORBELL JUST RING? NO, PUMPKIN, RELAX.

DOORBELL JUST RING? NO, PUMPKIN, RELAX. I'LL TELL YOU WHEN YOUR DATE

NO, PUMPKIN, RELAX. I'LL TELL YOU WHEN YOUR DATE ARRIVES.

I'LL TELL YOU WHEN YOUR DATE ARRIVES. WHO IS THIS BOY, ANYWAY?

ARRIVES. WHO IS THIS BOY, ANYWAY? OH, HE'S JUST SOME BOY I MET

WHO IS THIS BOY, ANYWAY? OH, HE'S JUST SOME BOY I MET AT SCHOOL.

OH, HE'S JUST SOME BOY I MET AT SCHOOL. [DOORBELL RINGS]

AT SCHOOL. [DOORBELL RINGS] IS HE A NICE BOY?

[DOORBELL RINGS] IS HE A NICE BOY? DADDY, OF COURSE HE'S A NICE

IS HE A NICE BOY? DADDY, OF COURSE HE'S A NICE BOY.

DADDY, OF COURSE HE'S A NICE BOY. I'LL GET IT.

BOY. I'LL GET IT. HI, CARLOS.

I'LL GET IT. HI, CARLOS. HI, SUSIE.

HI, CARLOS. HI, SUSIE. I'M SORRY I LATE.

HI, SUSIE. I'M SORRY I LATE. I RAN OUT OF GAS.

I'M SORRY I LATE. I RAN OUT OF GAS. I KNOW.

I RAN OUT OF GAS. I KNOW. CARLOS, THIS IS MY FATHER.

I KNOW. CARLOS, THIS IS MY FATHER. DADDY, THIS IS CARLOS.

CARLOS, THIS IS MY FATHER. DADDY, THIS IS CARLOS. WELL, YOU'RE NOT VERY

DADDY, THIS IS CARLOS. WELL, YOU'RE NOT VERY CAUCASIAN, ARE YOU?

WELL, YOU'RE NOT VERY CAUCASIAN, ARE YOU? NO, NOT TOO MUCH.

CAUCASIAN, ARE YOU? NO, NOT TOO MUCH. YOU DON'T BELONG TO A GANG,

NO, NOT TOO MUCH. YOU DON'T BELONG TO A GANG, DO YOU?

YOU DON'T BELONG TO A GANG, DO YOU? NO, DADDY.

DO YOU? NO, DADDY. CARLOS BELONGS TO A CLUB.

NO, DADDY. CARLOS BELONGS TO A CLUB. MM-HMM.

CARLOS BELONGS TO A CLUB. MM-HMM. WELL, IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME, I'M

MM-HMM. WELL, IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME, I'M GONNA GO DOWN TO THE BASEMENT,

WELL, IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME, I'M GONNA GO DOWN TO THE BASEMENT, WORK ON MY BOAT.

GONNA GO DOWN TO THE BASEMENT, WORK ON MY BOAT. NICE TO MEET YOU.

WORK ON MY BOAT. NICE TO MEET YOU. MM-HMM.

NICE TO MEET YOU. MM-HMM. YOUR FATHER THINKS I'M GOING TO

MM-HMM. YOUR FATHER THINKS I'M GOING TO STEAL HIS HUBCAPS.

YOUR FATHER THINKS I'M GOING TO STEAL HIS HUBCAPS. OH, HE'S OKAY.

STEAL HIS HUBCAPS. OH, HE'S OKAY. CARLOS, YOU DON'T BELONG TO A

OH, HE'S OKAY. CARLOS, YOU DON'T BELONG TO A GANG, DO YOU?

CARLOS, YOU DON'T BELONG TO A GANG, DO YOU? IT'S NOT A GANG. IT'S A CLUB.

GANG, DO YOU? IT'S NOT A GANG. IT'S A CLUB. LISTEN, SUSIE, I'M A CHICANO.

IT'S NOT A GANG. IT'S A CLUB. LISTEN, SUSIE, I'M A CHICANO. AND TO BE A CHICANO MEANS TO BE

LISTEN, SUSIE, I'M A CHICANO. AND TO BE A CHICANO MEANS TO BE PROUD AND TO DRIVE UP AND DOWN

AND TO BE A CHICANO MEANS TO BE PROUD AND TO DRIVE UP AND DOWN THE BOULEVARD ALL DAY AND ALL

PROUD AND TO DRIVE UP AND DOWN THE BOULEVARD ALL DAY AND ALL NIGHT IN BIG CARS LOW TO THE

THE BOULEVARD ALL DAY AND ALL NIGHT IN BIG CARS LOW TO THE GROUND.

NIGHT IN BIG CARS LOW TO THE GROUND. NOW, THAT'S THE WAY I TOLD YOU,

GROUND. NOW, THAT'S THE WAY I TOLD YOU, AND IF YOU DON'T ACCEPT IT,

NOW, THAT'S THE WAY I TOLD YOU, AND IF YOU DON'T ACCEPT IT, THAT'S THE END OF IT.

AND IF YOU DON'T ACCEPT IT, THAT'S THE END OF IT. OH, NO, NO, NO.

THAT'S THE END OF IT. OH, NO, NO, NO. I... CARLOS, I CARE FOR YOU VERY

OH, NO, NO, NO. I... CARLOS, I CARE FOR YOU VERY MUCH.

I... CARLOS, I CARE FOR YOU VERY MUCH. WELL, I CAN'T DRIVE UP AND

MUCH. WELL, I CAN'T DRIVE UP AND DOWN ON CARES.

WELL, I CAN'T DRIVE UP AND DOWN ON CARES. I NEED GAS!

DOWN ON CARES. I NEED GAS! IF YOU CARED FOR ME, YOU'D HELP

I NEED GAS! IF YOU CARED FOR ME, YOU'D HELP ME.

IF YOU CARED FOR ME, YOU'D HELP ME. WHAT CAN I DO?

ME. WHAT CAN I DO? YOU SEE THIS HOSE?

WHAT CAN I DO? YOU SEE THIS HOSE? YEAH.

YOU SEE THIS HOSE? YEAH. WELL, THIS END GOES IN YOUR

YEAH. WELL, THIS END GOES IN YOUR FATHER'S GAS TANK, AND THIS END

WELL, THIS END GOES IN YOUR FATHER'S GAS TANK, AND THIS END GOES IN YOUR MOUTH.

FATHER'S GAS TANK, AND THIS END GOES IN YOUR MOUTH. I'VE NEVER DONE THAT.

GOES IN YOUR MOUTH. I'VE NEVER DONE THAT. I-I DON'T KNOW.

I'VE NEVER DONE THAT. I-I DON'T KNOW. IT'S EASY.

I-I DON'T KNOW. IT'S EASY. IT'S EASY.

IT'S EASY. IT'S EASY. YOU JUST SUCK ON IT.

IT'S EASY. YOU JUST SUCK ON IT. WON'T IT MAKE ME SICK?

YOU JUST SUCK ON IT. WON'T IT MAKE ME SICK? STUPID, YOU DON'T HAVE TO

WON'T IT MAKE ME SICK? STUPID, YOU DON'T HAVE TO SWALLOW IT.

STUPID, YOU DON'T HAVE TO SWALLOW IT. I DON'T KNOW.

SWALLOW IT. I DON'T KNOW. YOU JUST SPIT IT OUT ONCE

I DON'T KNOW. YOU JUST SPIT IT OUT ONCE IT'S FLOWING AND PUT THIS END IN

YOU JUST SPIT IT OUT ONCE IT'S FLOWING AND PUT THIS END IN MY GAS TANK.

IT'S FLOWING AND PUT THIS END IN MY GAS TANK. OH, I DON'T THINK SO, CARLOS.

MY GAS TANK. OH, I DON'T THINK SO, CARLOS. IS IT BECAUSE I'M A CHICANO?

OH, I DON'T THINK SO, CARLOS. IS IT BECAUSE I'M A CHICANO? NO, NO, THAT'S NOT IT.

IS IT BECAUSE I'M A CHICANO? NO, NO, THAT'S NOT IT. WELL?

NO, NO, THAT'S NOT IT. WELL? ALL RIGHT.

WELL? ALL RIGHT. OH, SUSIE, I KNEW YOU WERE

ALL RIGHT. OH, SUSIE, I KNEW YOU WERE ALL RIGHT.

OH, SUSIE, I KNEW YOU WERE ALL RIGHT. LET'S GO.

ALL RIGHT. LET'S GO. YOU SIPHON, I'LL STEAL THE

LET'S GO. YOU SIPHON, I'LL STEAL THE HUBCAPS.

[DOOR CLOSES] EXCUSE ME, KIDS. I FORGOT MY PIPE.

EXCUSE ME, KIDS. I FORGOT MY PIPE. WHERE DID THEY GO?

I FORGOT MY PIPE. WHERE DID THEY GO? SUSIE!

WHERE DID THEY GO? SUSIE! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!

SUSIE! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! GET THAT THING OUT OF YOUR

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! GET THAT THING OUT OF YOUR MOUTH!

GET THAT THING OUT OF YOUR MOUTH! EDITH, I'M GETTING MY GUN!

MOUTH! EDITH, I'M GETTING MY GUN! [Spanish accept] I WAS SO

EDITH, I'M GETTING MY GUN! [Spanish accept] I WAS SO SURPRISED AND EXCITED THAT YOU

[Spanish accept] I WAS SO SURPRISED AND EXCITED THAT YOU CHOSE US AS THE TYPICAL CHICANO

SURPRISED AND EXCITED THAT YOU CHOSE US AS THE TYPICAL CHICANO FAMILY THAT YOU WOULD SPEND A

CHOSE US AS THE TYPICAL CHICANO FAMILY THAT YOU WOULD SPEND A NIGHT WITH HERE IN LOS ANGELES.

FAMILY THAT YOU WOULD SPEND A NIGHT WITH HERE IN LOS ANGELES. I HOPE THE TYPICAL MEXICAN

NIGHT WITH HERE IN LOS ANGELES. I HOPE THE TYPICAL MEXICAN DINNER WAS ALL RIGHT FOR YOU.

I HOPE THE TYPICAL MEXICAN DINNER WAS ALL RIGHT FOR YOU. [TOILET FLUSHES]

IT WAS FINE, JUST FINE. UM, BY THE WAY, WHICH IS CORRECT... IS IT MONTEZUMA OR

UM, BY THE WAY, WHICH IS CORRECT... IS IT MONTEZUMA OR MOCTEZUMA?

CORRECT... IS IT MONTEZUMA OR MOCTEZUMA? OH, IT'S MONTEZUMA.

MOCTEZUMA? OH, IT'S MONTEZUMA. REVENGE OR VENGEANCE?

OH, IT'S MONTEZUMA. REVENGE OR VENGEANCE? OH, IT'S REVENGE.

REVENGE OR VENGEANCE? OH, IT'S REVENGE. HEY.

OH, IT'S REVENGE. HEY. OH, THIS IS MY SON, CARLOS,

HEY. OH, THIS IS MY SON, CARLOS, AND HIS FRIEND, PABLO.

OH, THIS IS MY SON, CARLOS, AND HIS FRIEND, PABLO. CARLOS, WHAT'S THE MATTER?!

AND HIS FRIEND, PABLO. CARLOS, WHAT'S THE MATTER?! HE'S HURT, MRS. ALVAREZ.

CARLOS, WHAT'S THE MATTER?! HE'S HURT, MRS. ALVAREZ. HE'S HURT BAD!

HE'S HURT, MRS. ALVAREZ. HE'S HURT BAD! SET HIM HERE ON THE COUCH.

HE'S HURT BAD! SET HIM HERE ON THE COUCH. LET'S HAVE A LOOK.

SET HIM HERE ON THE COUCH. LET'S HAVE A LOOK. THIS BOY'S BEEN SHOT.

LET'S HAVE A LOOK. THIS BOY'S BEEN SHOT. AY, MI CHICOLITO!

THIS BOY'S BEEN SHOT. AY, MI CHICOLITO! [PANTING]

AY, MI CHICOLITO! [PANTING] CALM YOURSELF, SEÑORA.

[PANTING] CALM YOURSELF, SEÑORA. BOIL SOME WATER AND TEAR A SHEET

CALM YOURSELF, SEÑORA. BOIL SOME WATER AND TEAR A SHEET INTO SOME CLEAN STRIPS.

BOIL SOME WATER AND TEAR A SHEET INTO SOME CLEAN STRIPS. NOW, YOUNG MAN, I WANT YOU TO

INTO SOME CLEAN STRIPS. NOW, YOUNG MAN, I WANT YOU TO TELL ME THE TRUTH.

NOW, YOUNG MAN, I WANT YOU TO TELL ME THE TRUTH. ARE YOU IN A GANG?

TELL ME THE TRUTH. ARE YOU IN A GANG? Both: IT'S NOT A GANG!

ARE YOU IN A GANG? Both: IT'S NOT A GANG! IT'S A CLUB!

Both: IT'S NOT A GANG! IT'S A CLUB! AND IS THIS THE RESULT OF

IT'S A CLUB! AND IS THIS THE RESULT OF SOME DISPUTE OVER TURF?

AND IS THIS THE RESULT OF SOME DISPUTE OVER TURF? NO, MAN.

SOME DISPUTE OVER TURF? NO, MAN. YOU GOT IT ALL WRONG, MAN.

NO, MAN. YOU GOT IT ALL WRONG, MAN. IT'S BECAUSE OF THE GAS

YOU GOT IT ALL WRONG, MAN. IT'S BECAUSE OF THE GAS SHORTAGE.

IT'S BECAUSE OF THE GAS SHORTAGE. HEY, YOU'RE THE PRESIDENT.

SHORTAGE. HEY, YOU'RE THE PRESIDENT. HOW COME WE GOT NO GAS?

HEY, YOU'RE THE PRESIDENT. HOW COME WE GOT NO GAS? WELL, PABLO, IT'S LIKE THIS.

HOW COME WE GOT NO GAS? WELL, PABLO, IT'S LIKE THIS. THERE'S A GANG CALLED THE OIL

WELL, PABLO, IT'S LIKE THIS. THERE'S A GANG CALLED THE OIL COMPANIES, WHO ARE CHALLENGING

THERE'S A GANG CALLED THE OIL COMPANIES, WHO ARE CHALLENGING THE AUTHORITY OF MY GANG, THE

COMPANIES, WHO ARE CHALLENGING THE AUTHORITY OF MY GANG, THE ADMINISTRATION OF THE GOVERNMENT

THE AUTHORITY OF MY GANG, THE ADMINISTRATION OF THE GOVERNMENT OF THE ESTADOS UNIDOS.

ADMINISTRATION OF THE GOVERNMENT OF THE ESTADOS UNIDOS. AND HERE IN SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA,

OF THE ESTADOS UNIDOS. AND HERE IN SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA, WHERE THERE'S NO ADEQUATE

AND HERE IN SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA, WHERE THERE'S NO ADEQUATE MASS-TRANSIT SYSTEM, EVERYONE

WHERE THERE'S NO ADEQUATE MASS-TRANSIT SYSTEM, EVERYONE HAS TO USE A CAR.

MASS-TRANSIT SYSTEM, EVERYONE HAS TO USE A CAR. YOU'RE THE FIRST TO FEEL THE

HAS TO USE A CAR. YOU'RE THE FIRST TO FEEL THE CRUNCH.

YOU'RE THE FIRST TO FEEL THE CRUNCH. THAT'S WHY I'VE COME HERE ON THE

CRUNCH. THAT'S WHY I'VE COME HERE ON THE CINCO DE MAYO, THE TRADITIONAL

THAT'S WHY I'VE COME HERE ON THE CINCO DE MAYO, THE TRADITIONAL MEXICAN HOLIDAY FOR

CINCO DE MAYO, THE TRADITIONAL MEXICAN HOLIDAY FOR ANGLO POLITICIANS, TO ASK ALL MY

MEXICAN HOLIDAY FOR ANGLO POLITICIANS, TO ASK ALL MY CHICANO BROTHERS AND SISTERS TO

ANGLO POLITICIANS, TO ASK ALL MY CHICANO BROTHERS AND SISTERS TO SUPPORT ME AND VOTE FOR ME IN

CHICANO BROTHERS AND SISTERS TO SUPPORT ME AND VOTE FOR ME IN 1980.

SUPPORT ME AND VOTE FOR ME IN 1980. I DON'T KNOW.

1980. I DON'T KNOW. WILL HE BE ALL RIGHT?

WILL HE BE ALL RIGHT? [GROANS]

[GROANS] [BULLET CLINKS]

[BULLET CLINKS] HE'LL BE FINE, MA'AM. WOW.

HE'LL BE FINE, MA'AM. WOW. NOW, CARLOS, YOUR MOTHER

WOW. NOW, CARLOS, YOUR MOTHER TELLS ME YOU'RE NOT ATTENDING

NOW, CARLOS, YOUR MOTHER TELLS ME YOU'RE NOT ATTENDING SCHOOL ANYMORE.

TELLS ME YOU'RE NOT ATTENDING SCHOOL ANYMORE. SCHOOL!

SCHOOL ANYMORE. SCHOOL! WHO NEEDS IT, MAN?!

SCHOOL! WHO NEEDS IT, MAN?! ALL THEY TEACH YOU IS CHIT...

WHO NEEDS IT, MAN?! ALL THEY TEACH YOU IS CHIT... AND CHAT.

ALL THEY TEACH YOU IS CHIT... AND CHAT. YOU SEE, MR. PRESIDENT?

AND CHAT. YOU SEE, MR. PRESIDENT? I'LL GO WARM UP SOME MORE FOOD.

YOU SEE, MR. PRESIDENT? I'LL GO WARM UP SOME MORE FOOD. IT'S TRUE, MR. PRESIDENT.

I'LL GO WARM UP SOME MORE FOOD. IT'S TRUE, MR. PRESIDENT. I NEED TO GET OUT AND MAKE MONEY

IT'S TRUE, MR. PRESIDENT. I NEED TO GET OUT AND MAKE MONEY SO I CAN BUY GAS.

I NEED TO GET OUT AND MAKE MONEY SO I CAN BUY GAS. I'M A CHICANO, AND TO BE A

SO I CAN BUY GAS. I'M A CHICANO, AND TO BE A CHICANO MEANS TO BE PROUD AND

I'M A CHICANO, AND TO BE A CHICANO MEANS TO BE PROUD AND DRIVE UP AND DOWN THE BOULEVARD

CHICANO MEANS TO BE PROUD AND DRIVE UP AND DOWN THE BOULEVARD ALL DAY AND ALL NIGHT IN BIG

DRIVE UP AND DOWN THE BOULEVARD ALL DAY AND ALL NIGHT IN BIG CARS LOW TO THE GROUND.

ALL DAY AND ALL NIGHT IN BIG CARS LOW TO THE GROUND. HOW CAN I RIDE PROUD WITH NO

CARS LOW TO THE GROUND. HOW CAN I RIDE PROUD WITH NO GAS?

HOW CAN I RIDE PROUD WITH NO GAS? IT TAKES 80 GALLONS TO FILL THE

GAS? IT TAKES 80 GALLONS TO FILL THE TANK OF MY RIVIERA!

IT TAKES 80 GALLONS TO FILL THE TANK OF MY RIVIERA! YEAH!

TANK OF MY RIVIERA! YEAH! AND THAT'S ANOTHER THING, MAN.

YEAH! AND THAT'S ANOTHER THING, MAN. WE'VE BEEN RIPPED OFF BY

AND THAT'S ANOTHER THING, MAN. WE'VE BEEN RIPPED OFF BY DETROIT, MAN.

WE'VE BEEN RIPPED OFF BY DETROIT, MAN. IF WE KNEW THIS GAS CRUNCH WAS

DETROIT, MAN. IF WE KNEW THIS GAS CRUNCH WAS COMING, WE WOULD HAVE GOT

IF WE KNEW THIS GAS CRUNCH WAS COMING, WE WOULD HAVE GOT INTO... INTO MOTORCYCLES INSTEAD

COMING, WE WOULD HAVE GOT INTO... INTO MOTORCYCLES INSTEAD OF BIG CARS.

INTO... INTO MOTORCYCLES INSTEAD OF BIG CARS. YOU KNOW, WE WOULD HAVE HAD A

OF BIG CARS. YOU KNOW, WE WOULD HAVE HAD A MOTORCYCLE GANG... I MEAN CLUB.

YOU KNOW, WE WOULD HAVE HAD A MOTORCYCLE GANG... I MEAN CLUB. UH, YOU KNOW, GOT 30 MILES A

MOTORCYCLE GANG... I MEAN CLUB. UH, YOU KNOW, GOT 30 MILES A GALLON.

UH, YOU KNOW, GOT 30 MILES A GALLON. HMM.

GALLON. HMM. I THINK I GOT AN IDEA.

HMM. I THINK I GOT AN IDEA. SINCE THERE'S NO ADEQUATE

I THINK I GOT AN IDEA. SINCE THERE'S NO ADEQUATE MASS-TRANSIT SYSTEM AND SINCE

SINCE THERE'S NO ADEQUATE MASS-TRANSIT SYSTEM AND SINCE YOU DRIVE UP AND DOWN THE

MASS-TRANSIT SYSTEM AND SINCE YOU DRIVE UP AND DOWN THE BOULEVARD ALL DAY AND ALL NIGHT

YOU DRIVE UP AND DOWN THE BOULEVARD ALL DAY AND ALL NIGHT ANYWAY, WHY DON'T YOU START A

BOULEVARD ALL DAY AND ALL NIGHT ANYWAY, WHY DON'T YOU START A KIND OF A LIVERY SERVICE, KIND

ANYWAY, WHY DON'T YOU START A KIND OF A LIVERY SERVICE, KIND OF A BOULEVARD BUS SERVICE?

KIND OF A LIVERY SERVICE, KIND OF A BOULEVARD BUS SERVICE? HEY, YEAH.

OF A BOULEVARD BUS SERVICE? HEY, YEAH. WE COULD MAKE MONEY AND HELP THE

HEY, YEAH. WE COULD MAKE MONEY AND HELP THE COMMUNITY, AS WELL.

WE COULD MAKE MONEY AND HELP THE COMMUNITY, AS WELL. THAT'S THE SPIRIT.

COMMUNITY, AS WELL. THAT'S THE SPIRIT. AND THERE MIGHT EVEN BE SOME

THAT'S THE SPIRIT. AND THERE MIGHT EVEN BE SOME S.B.A. MONEY AVAILABLE TO CHOP,

AND THERE MIGHT EVEN BE SOME S.B.A. MONEY AVAILABLE TO CHOP, CHANNEL, AND LOWER BUSES.

S.B.A. MONEY AVAILABLE TO CHOP, CHANNEL, AND LOWER BUSES. HEY, THAT'S GREAT, MAN!

CHANNEL, AND LOWER BUSES. HEY, THAT'S GREAT, MAN! HEY, WE COULD DO THAT.

HEY, THAT'S GREAT, MAN! HEY, WE COULD DO THAT. ESE!

HEY, WE COULD DO THAT. ESE! ALL RIGHT, YOU LOUSY PUNKS,

ESE! ALL RIGHT, YOU LOUSY PUNKS, YOU'RE GOING DOWNTOWN.

ALL RIGHT, YOU LOUSY PUNKS, YOU'RE GOING DOWNTOWN. WHAT'S THE TROUBLE, OFFICER?

YOU'RE GOING DOWNTOWN. WHAT'S THE TROUBLE, OFFICER? WHA...

WHAT'S THE TROUBLE, OFFICER? WHA... JIMMY CARTER?

WHA... JIMMY CARTER? THAT'S RIGHT.

JIMMY CARTER? THAT'S RIGHT. AND THESE ARE MY BROTHERS.

THAT'S RIGHT. AND THESE ARE MY BROTHERS. WELL, UH, MR. PRESIDENT,

AND THESE ARE MY BROTHERS. WELL, UH, MR. PRESIDENT, THESE, UH, BOYS ARE IN A GANG.

WELL, UH, MR. PRESIDENT, THESE, UH, BOYS ARE IN A GANG. Both: HEY, IT'S NOT A GANG!

THESE, UH, BOYS ARE IN A GANG. Both: HEY, IT'S NOT A GANG! IT'S A BUS COMPANY!

Both: HEY, IT'S NOT A GANG! IT'S A BUS COMPANY! ANYWAY, THIS ONE WAS SHOT

IT'S A BUS COMPANY! ANYWAY, THIS ONE WAS SHOT WHILE STEALING GAS.

ANYWAY, THIS ONE WAS SHOT WHILE STEALING GAS. YOU'RE NOT GOING TO LET THEM

WHILE STEALING GAS. YOU'RE NOT GOING TO LET THEM TAKE CARLOS, ARE YOU?

YOU'RE NOT GOING TO LET THEM TAKE CARLOS, ARE YOU? I'M SORRY, SEÑORA.

TAKE CARLOS, ARE YOU? I'M SORRY, SEÑORA. NO ONE IS ABOVE THE LAW.

I'M SORRY, SEÑORA. NO ONE IS ABOVE THE LAW. IF MY OWN SON WAS SMOKING

NO ONE IS ABOVE THE LAW. IF MY OWN SON WAS SMOKING MARIJUANA, HE'D HAVE TO GO TO

IF MY OWN SON WAS SMOKING MARIJUANA, HE'D HAVE TO GO TO JAIL, TOO.

MARIJUANA, HE'D HAVE TO GO TO JAIL, TOO. I THOUGHT YOU WERE MY

JAIL, TOO. I THOUGHT YOU WERE MY BROTHER.

I THOUGHT YOU WERE MY BROTHER. I HAD TO SEND MY OWN BROTHER

BROTHER. I HAD TO SEND MY OWN BROTHER AWAY FOR A WHILE.

I HAD TO SEND MY OWN BROTHER AWAY FOR A WHILE. DON'T WORRY.

AWAY FOR A WHILE. DON'T WORRY. I WOULDN'T WORRY.

DON'T WORRY. I WOULDN'T WORRY. L.A. IS STILL GONNA NEED MASS

I WOULDN'T WORRY. L.A. IS STILL GONNA NEED MASS TRANSIT WHEN YOU GET OUT.

L.A. IS STILL GONNA NEED MASS TRANSIT WHEN YOU GET OUT. WELL...

TRANSIT WHEN YOU GET OUT. WELL... HASTA LUEGO.

WELL... HASTA LUEGO. CARLOS!

HASTA LUEGO. CARLOS! IT'S ALL RIGHT, MA'AM.

CARLOS! IT'S ALL RIGHT, MA'AM. I'LL SEE IT PERSONALLY THAT THE

IT'S ALL RIGHT, MA'AM. I'LL SEE IT PERSONALLY THAT THE BOY GETS A FAIR SHAKE.

I'LL SEE IT PERSONALLY THAT THE BOY GETS A FAIR SHAKE. NOW, HOW ABOUT SOME MORE OF

BOY GETS A FAIR SHAKE. NOW, HOW ABOUT SOME MORE OF THOSE DELICIOUS TAQUITOS?

NOW, HOW ABOUT SOME MORE OF THOSE DELICIOUS TAQUITOS? DID YOU REALLY WANT SOME?

THOSE DELICIOUS TAQUITOS? DID YOU REALLY WANT SOME? I THOUGHT THEY WERE GREAT.

DID YOU REALLY WANT SOME? I THOUGHT THEY WERE GREAT. BUT FIRST I GOT TO GO TO THE

I THOUGHT THEY WERE GREAT. BUT FIRST I GOT TO GO TO THE LITTLE MUCHACHOS' ROOM AGAIN.

Psst, HEY, KIDS. IT'S ME, MR. BILL. YOU MAY NOT RECOGNIZE ME

IT'S ME, MR. BILL. YOU MAY NOT RECOGNIZE ME 'CAUSE I'M TRAVELING INCOGNITO

YOU MAY NOT RECOGNIZE ME 'CAUSE I'M TRAVELING INCOGNITO SO MR. HANDS CAN'T FIND US.

'CAUSE I'M TRAVELING INCOGNITO SO MR. HANDS CAN'T FIND US. YOU KNOW, I FIGURED ME AND SPOT

SO MR. HANDS CAN'T FIND US. YOU KNOW, I FIGURED ME AND SPOT AREN'T TOO SAFE AROUND HIM

YOU KNOW, I FIGURED ME AND SPOT AREN'T TOO SAFE AROUND HIM ANYMORE.

SO, KIDS, I HOPE YOU'RE READY TO

HAVE FUN TODAY, 'CAUSE WE'RE ALL

GONNA RUN AWAY FROM HOME!

YAY!

OH, BOY, AND HERE COMES A CAR! MAYBE WE CAN HITCH A RIDE! YAY! YAY!

MAYBE WE CAN HITCH A RIDE! YAY! YAY! OH, BOY! THANKS FOR STOPPING!

YAY! YAY! OH, BOY! THANKS FOR STOPPING! YAY!

OH, BOY! THANKS FOR STOPPING! YAY! [COUGHS]

YAY! [COUGHS] STOP.

[COUGHS] STOP. SAY, MR. BILL, IS THAT YOU?

STOP. SAY, MR. BILL, IS THAT YOU? NO, UH, NO, IT'S NOT ME.

SAY, MR. BILL, IS THAT YOU? NO, UH, NO, IT'S NOT ME. OH, IT IS YOU!

NO, UH, NO, IT'S NOT ME. OH, IT IS YOU! I'VE BEEN WORRIED SICK LOOKING

OH, IT IS YOU! I'VE BEEN WORRIED SICK LOOKING FOR YOU, MR. BILL.

I'VE BEEN WORRIED SICK LOOKING FOR YOU, MR. BILL. I HOPE THERE'S BEEN NO

FOR YOU, MR. BILL. I HOPE THERE'S BEEN NO MISUNDERSTANDING BETWEEN US.

I HOPE THERE'S BEEN NO MISUNDERSTANDING BETWEEN US. I DIDN'T THINK YOU LIKED US

MISUNDERSTANDING BETWEEN US. I DIDN'T THINK YOU LIKED US ANYMORE.

I DIDN'T THINK YOU LIKED US ANYMORE. OH, COME ON.

ANYMORE. OH, COME ON. LET'S SHAKE HANDS.

OH, COME ON. LET'S SHAKE HANDS. OH, NO!

LET'S SHAKE HANDS. OH, NO! AND IT'LL BE LIKE OLD TIMES

OH, NO! AND IT'LL BE LIKE OLD TIMES AGAIN.

AND IT'LL BE LIKE OLD TIMES AGAIN. OH, WHY? WHY?

AGAIN. OH, WHY? WHY? NOW, COME ON.

OH, WHY? WHY? NOW, COME ON. LET'S HOP UP IN THE CAR, AND

NOW, COME ON. LET'S HOP UP IN THE CAR, AND I'LL GIVE YOU A RIDE HOME.

LET'S HOP UP IN THE CAR, AND I'LL GIVE YOU A RIDE HOME. OH, OKAY.

I'LL GIVE YOU A RIDE HOME. OH, OKAY. BUT PLEASE DRIVE CAREFULLY.

OH, OKAY. BUT PLEASE DRIVE CAREFULLY. SURE, BUT FIRST, LET'S BUCKLE

BUT PLEASE DRIVE CAREFULLY. SURE, BUT FIRST, LET'S BUCKLE UP FOR SAFETY.

SURE, BUT FIRST, LET'S BUCKLE UP FOR SAFETY. OKAY, BUT NOT TOO TIGHT.

UP FOR SAFETY. OKAY, BUT NOT TOO TIGHT. NO, THAT'S TOO TIGHT!

OKAY, BUT NOT TOO TIGHT. NO, THAT'S TOO TIGHT! OH!

NO, THAT'S TOO TIGHT! OH! OH, LET ME TAKE A CAB HOME, HUH?

OH! OH, LET ME TAKE A CAB HOME, HUH? NO. I'M A GOOD DRIVER.

OH, LET ME TAKE A CAB HOME, HUH? NO. I'M A GOOD DRIVER. UH, NO, WAIT.

NO. I'M A GOOD DRIVER. UH, NO, WAIT. BUT WE FORGOT SPOT.

UH, NO, WAIT. BUT WE FORGOT SPOT. OH, THAT'S RIGHT.

BUT WE FORGOT SPOT. OH, THAT'S RIGHT. LET'S GO PICK HIM UP.

OH, THAT'S RIGHT. LET'S GO PICK HIM UP. OH!

LET'S GO PICK HIM UP. OH! MAKE SURE HE SITS STILL.

OH! MAKE SURE HE SITS STILL. OH, POOR SPOT!

MAKE SURE HE SITS STILL. OH, POOR SPOT! NEVER MIND 'CAUSE WE'D

OH, POOR SPOT! NEVER MIND 'CAUSE WE'D BETTER STEP ON IT SO WE DON'T

NEVER MIND 'CAUSE WE'D BETTER STEP ON IT SO WE DON'T GET CAUGHT IN RUSH-HOUR TRAFFIC.

BETTER STEP ON IT SO WE DON'T GET CAUGHT IN RUSH-HOUR TRAFFIC. ALL RIGHT, BUT DON'T DRIVE

GET CAUGHT IN RUSH-HOUR TRAFFIC. ALL RIGHT, BUT DON'T DRIVE TOO FAST, MR. HANDS.

ALL RIGHT, BUT DON'T DRIVE TOO FAST, MR. HANDS. OH, LOOK. A HITCHHIKER!

TOO FAST, MR. HANDS. OH, LOOK. A HITCHHIKER! LET'S GIVE HIM A RIDE.

OH, LOOK. A HITCHHIKER! LET'S GIVE HIM A RIDE. IT'S GOOD TO HELP OUT PEOPLE IN

LET'S GIVE HIM A RIDE. IT'S GOOD TO HELP OUT PEOPLE IN NEED.

IT'S GOOD TO HELP OUT PEOPLE IN NEED. OH, BUT HE'S GONNA BE MEAN

NEED. OH, BUT HE'S GONNA BE MEAN TO ME!

OH, BUT HE'S GONNA BE MEAN TO ME! DON'T WORRY, MR. BILL.

TO ME! DON'T WORRY, MR. BILL. WE'LL MAKE SLUGGO SIT IN THE

DON'T WORRY, MR. BILL. WE'LL MAKE SLUGGO SIT IN THE BACKSEAT.

WE'LL MAKE SLUGGO SIT IN THE BACKSEAT. NO, WAIT. NO.

BACKSEAT. NO, WAIT. NO. [GROANS]

NO, WAIT. NO. [GROANS] UH, UH, UH, SAY, MR. HANDS,

[GROANS] UH, UH, UH, SAY, MR. HANDS, THIS DOESN'T LOOK LIKE THE WAY

UH, UH, UH, SAY, MR. HANDS, THIS DOESN'T LOOK LIKE THE WAY HOME.

THIS DOESN'T LOOK LIKE THE WAY HOME. OH, I DECIDED TO TAKE A

HOME. OH, I DECIDED TO TAKE A SHORTCUT.

OH, I DECIDED TO TAKE A SHORTCUT. YOU'LL BE HOME IN NO TIME.

SHORTCUT. YOU'LL BE HOME IN NO TIME. OH, NO, WAIT.

YOU'LL BE HOME IN NO TIME. OH, NO, WAIT. THESE MOUNTAIN ROADS ARE TOO

OH, NO, WAIT. THESE MOUNTAIN ROADS ARE TOO DANGEROUS!

THESE MOUNTAIN ROADS ARE TOO DANGEROUS! SAY, THAT'S RIGHT, MR. BILL.

DANGEROUS! SAY, THAT'S RIGHT, MR. BILL. MAYBE I BETTER CHECK THE TIRES.

SAY, THAT'S RIGHT, MR. BILL. MAYBE I BETTER CHECK THE TIRES. HERE, WHY DON'T YOU TAKE THE

MAYBE I BETTER CHECK THE TIRES. HERE, WHY DON'T YOU TAKE THE WHEEL FOR A SECOND?

HERE, WHY DON'T YOU TAKE THE WHEEL FOR A SECOND? NO, NO, BUT YOU KNOW I CAN'T

WHEEL FOR A SECOND? NO, NO, BUT YOU KNOW I CAN'T DRIVE!

NO, NO, BUT YOU KNOW I CAN'T DRIVE! I DON'T EVEN HAVE MY LICENSE!

DRIVE! I DON'T EVEN HAVE MY LICENSE! NO!

I DON'T EVEN HAVE MY LICENSE! NO! MAKE SURE YOU KEEP YOUR EYE

NO! MAKE SURE YOU KEEP YOUR EYE ON THE ROAD, MR. BILL!

MAKE SURE YOU KEEP YOUR EYE ON THE ROAD, MR. BILL! NO! NO, DON'T LEAVE ME!

ON THE ROAD, MR. BILL! NO! NO, DON'T LEAVE ME! OH, NO!

NO! NO, DON'T LEAVE ME! OH, NO! OH!

OH, NO! OH! OH!

OH! OH! SEE YOU NEXT TIME WHEN

OH! SEE YOU NEXT TIME WHEN MR. BILL GOES TO THE HOSPITAL.

SEE YOU NEXT TIME WHEN MR. BILL GOES TO THE HOSPITAL. BYE-BYE!

MR. BILL GOES TO THE HOSPITAL. BYE-BYE! LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, ONCE

BYE-BYE! LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, ONCE AGAIN, JAMES TAYLOR.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, ONCE AGAIN, JAMES TAYLOR. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

AGAIN, JAMES TAYLOR. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] [INTRO TO "MILLWORKER" PLAYS]

♪ NOW, MY GRANDFATHER WAS A SAILOR ♪ ♪ HE BLEW IN OFF THE WATER ♪

SAILOR ♪ ♪ HE BLEW IN OFF THE WATER ♪ ♪ MY FATHER WAS A FARMER ♪

♪ HE BLEW IN OFF THE WATER ♪ ♪ MY FATHER WAS A FARMER ♪ ♪ AND I, HIS ONLY DAUGHTER ♪

♪ MY FATHER WAS A FARMER ♪ ♪ AND I, HIS ONLY DAUGHTER ♪ ♪ TOOK UP WITH A NO-GOOD

♪ AND I, HIS ONLY DAUGHTER ♪ ♪ TOOK UP WITH A NO-GOOD MILLWORKING MAN FROM

♪ TOOK UP WITH A NO-GOOD MILLWORKING MAN FROM MASSACHUSETTS ♪

MILLWORKING MAN FROM MASSACHUSETTS ♪ ♪ WHO DIES FROM TOO MUCH WHISKEY

MASSACHUSETTS ♪ ♪ WHO DIES FROM TOO MUCH WHISKEY AND LEAVES ME THESE THREE FACES

♪ WHO DIES FROM TOO MUCH WHISKEY AND LEAVES ME THESE THREE FACES TO FEED ♪

♪ MILLWORK AIN'T EASY ♪ ♪ MILLWORK AIN'T HARD ♪ ♪ MILLWORK, IT AIN'T NOTHING BUT

♪ MILLWORK AIN'T HARD ♪ ♪ MILLWORK, IT AIN'T NOTHING BUT AN AWFUL BORING JOB ♪

♪ MILLWORK, IT AIN'T NOTHING BUT AN AWFUL BORING JOB ♪ ♪ LOOKING FOR A DAYDREAM TO TAKE

AN AWFUL BORING JOB ♪ ♪ LOOKING FOR A DAYDREAM TO TAKE ME THROUGH THE MORNING ♪

♪ LOOKING FOR A DAYDREAM TO TAKE ME THROUGH THE MORNING ♪ ♪ AND PUT ME IN MY COFFEE BREAK

ME THROUGH THE MORNING ♪ ♪ AND PUT ME IN MY COFFEE BREAK WHERE I CAN HAVE A SANDWICH ♪

♪ AND PUT ME IN MY COFFEE BREAK WHERE I CAN HAVE A SANDWICH ♪ ♪ AND REMEMBER ♪

WHERE I CAN HAVE A SANDWICH ♪ ♪ AND REMEMBER ♪ ♪ THEN IT'S ME AND MY MACHINE

♪ AND REMEMBER ♪ ♪ THEN IT'S ME AND MY MACHINE FOR THE REST OF THE MORNING ♪

♪ THEN IT'S ME AND MY MACHINE FOR THE REST OF THE MORNING ♪ ♪ REST OF THE AFTERNOON GONE ♪

FOR THE REST OF THE MORNING ♪ ♪ REST OF THE AFTERNOON GONE ♪ ♪ AND THE REST OF MY LIFE ♪

♪ MY MIND BEGINS TO WANDER TO THE DAYS BACK ON THE FARM ♪ ♪ I CAN SEE MY FATHER SMILING AT

THE DAYS BACK ON THE FARM ♪ ♪ I CAN SEE MY FATHER SMILING AT ME SWINGING ON HIS ARM ♪

♪ I CAN SEE MY FATHER SMILING AT ME SWINGING ON HIS ARM ♪ ♪ I CAN HEAR MY GRANDDAD'S

ME SWINGING ON HIS ARM ♪ ♪ I CAN HEAR MY GRANDDAD'S STORIES ♪

♪ I CAN HEAR MY GRANDDAD'S STORIES ♪ ♪ OF THE STORMS OUT ON

STORIES ♪ ♪ OF THE STORMS OUT ON LAKE ERIE ♪

♪ OF THE STORMS OUT ON LAKE ERIE ♪ ♪ WHERE VESSELS AND CARGOS AND

LAKE ERIE ♪ ♪ WHERE VESSELS AND CARGOS AND FORTUNES AND SAILORS' LIVES

♪ WHERE VESSELS AND CARGOS AND FORTUNES AND SAILORS' LIVES WERE LOST ♪

FORTUNES AND SAILORS' LIVES WERE LOST ♪ ♪ YEAH, BUT IT'S MY LIFE HAS

WERE LOST ♪ ♪ YEAH, BUT IT'S MY LIFE HAS BEEN WASTED ♪

♪ YEAH, BUT IT'S MY LIFE HAS BEEN WASTED ♪ ♪ AND I HAVE BEEN THE FOOL ♪

BEEN WASTED ♪ ♪ AND I HAVE BEEN THE FOOL ♪ ♪ TO LET THIS MANUFACTURER USE

♪ AND I HAVE BEEN THE FOOL ♪ ♪ TO LET THIS MANUFACTURER USE MY BODY FOR A TOOL ♪

♪ TO LET THIS MANUFACTURER USE MY BODY FOR A TOOL ♪ ♪ I CAN RIDE HOME IN THE EVENING

MY BODY FOR A TOOL ♪ ♪ I CAN RIDE HOME IN THE EVENING STARING AT MY HANDS ♪

♪ I CAN RIDE HOME IN THE EVENING STARING AT MY HANDS ♪ ♪ SWEARING TO MY SORROW THAT A

STARING AT MY HANDS ♪ ♪ SWEARING TO MY SORROW THAT A YOUNG GIRL OUGHT TO STAND A

♪ SWEARING TO MY SORROW THAT A YOUNG GIRL OUGHT TO STAND A BETTER CHANCE ♪

YOUNG GIRL OUGHT TO STAND A BETTER CHANCE ♪ ♪ SO, MAY I WORK THE MILLS JUST

BETTER CHANCE ♪ ♪ SO, MAY I WORK THE MILLS JUST AS LONG AS I AM ABLE ♪

♪ SO, MAY I WORK THE MILLS JUST AS LONG AS I AM ABLE ♪ ♪ AND NEVER MEET THE MAN WHOSE

AS LONG AS I AM ABLE ♪ ♪ AND NEVER MEET THE MAN WHOSE NAME IS ON THE LABEL ♪

♪ AND NEVER MEET THE MAN WHOSE NAME IS ON THE LABEL ♪ ♪ IT IS ME AND MY MACHINE FOR

NAME IS ON THE LABEL ♪ ♪ IT IS ME AND MY MACHINE FOR THE REST OF THE MORNING ♪

♪ IT IS ME AND MY MACHINE FOR THE REST OF THE MORNING ♪ ♪ AND THE REST OF THE AFTERNOON

THE REST OF THE MORNING ♪ ♪ AND THE REST OF THE AFTERNOON GONE ON ♪

♪ AND THE REST OF THE AFTERNOON GONE ON ♪ ♪ TO AND THE REST OF MY LIFE ♪

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

SO, MOM, I'D JUST LIKE TO SAY THAT THIS IS SORT OF A DOUBLE OCCASION TONIGHT, 'CAUSE I'M

THAT THIS IS SORT OF A DOUBLE OCCASION TONIGHT, 'CAUSE I'M TAKING YOU OUT FOR MOTHER'S DAY

OCCASION TONIGHT, 'CAUSE I'M TAKING YOU OUT FOR MOTHER'S DAY AND WE'RE ALSO CELEBRATING THE

TAKING YOU OUT FOR MOTHER'S DAY AND WE'RE ALSO CELEBRATING THE RETURN OF "THE TOMORROW SHOW" TO

AND WE'RE ALSO CELEBRATING THE RETURN OF "THE TOMORROW SHOW" TO GOTHAM.

RETURN OF "THE TOMORROW SHOW" TO GOTHAM. WELL, BY GOLLY, I'M HAPPY TO

GOTHAM. WELL, BY GOLLY, I'M HAPPY TO BE HERE, TOO, TOMMY.

WELL, BY GOLLY, I'M HAPPY TO BE HERE, TOO, TOMMY. WELL, LET ME SAY THIS TO YOU,

BE HERE, TOO, TOMMY. WELL, LET ME SAY THIS TO YOU, BEARING IN MIND THAT A MOTHER

WELL, LET ME SAY THIS TO YOU, BEARING IN MIND THAT A MOTHER IS, AS WELL AS BEING HER SON'S

BEARING IN MIND THAT A MOTHER IS, AS WELL AS BEING HER SON'S BIGGEST FAN ALSO HIS HARSHEST

IS, AS WELL AS BEING HER SON'S BIGGEST FAN ALSO HIS HARSHEST CRITIC, YOU LOOK LIKE HELL.

BIGGEST FAN ALSO HIS HARSHEST CRITIC, YOU LOOK LIKE HELL. WELL, DON'T BRING ME DOWN,

CRITIC, YOU LOOK LIKE HELL. WELL, DON'T BRING ME DOWN, MOM.

WELL, DON'T BRING ME DOWN, MOM. I BROUGHT YOU UP.

MOM. I BROUGHT YOU UP. WHY SHOULDN'T I BRING YOU DOWN?

I BROUGHT YOU UP. WHY SHOULDN'T I BRING YOU DOWN? [LAUGHS DEEPLY]

WHY SHOULDN'T I BRING YOU DOWN? [LAUGHS DEEPLY] IF YOU'LL JUST HEAR ME OUT, SON,

[LAUGHS DEEPLY] IF YOU'LL JUST HEAR ME OUT, SON, YOU'LL FIND I'M USING HUMOR TO

IF YOU'LL JUST HEAR ME OUT, SON, YOU'LL FIND I'M USING HUMOR TO ILLUSTRATE A POINT.

YOU'LL FIND I'M USING HUMOR TO ILLUSTRATE A POINT. THE FACT IS, TOM, YOU'RE DOING

ILLUSTRATE A POINT. THE FACT IS, TOM, YOU'RE DOING "THE TOMORROW SHOW," YOU'VE JUST

THE FACT IS, TOM, YOU'RE DOING "THE TOMORROW SHOW," YOU'VE JUST TAKEN ON A NEW SHOW CALLED

"THE TOMORROW SHOW," YOU'VE JUST TAKEN ON A NEW SHOW CALLED "PRIMETIME," AND THERE'S TALK

TAKEN ON A NEW SHOW CALLED "PRIMETIME," AND THERE'S TALK ABOUT YOU ANCHORING THE NEWS.

"PRIMETIME," AND THERE'S TALK ABOUT YOU ANCHORING THE NEWS. SO, MY QUESTION, THEN, TO YOU,

ABOUT YOU ANCHORING THE NEWS. SO, MY QUESTION, THEN, TO YOU, SON, IS, WHY THE HECK DON'T YOU

SO, MY QUESTION, THEN, TO YOU, SON, IS, WHY THE HECK DON'T YOU SLOW DOWN BEFORE YOU BURN

SON, IS, WHY THE HECK DON'T YOU SLOW DOWN BEFORE YOU BURN YOURSELF UP?

SLOW DOWN BEFORE YOU BURN YOURSELF UP? ALL RIGHT, FAIR ENOUGH.

YOURSELF UP? ALL RIGHT, FAIR ENOUGH. YOU'RE MY MOTHER.

ALL RIGHT, FAIR ENOUGH. YOU'RE MY MOTHER. YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT MAKES

YOU'RE MY MOTHER. YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT MAKES TOMMY RUN... WORK IS MY LIFE, TV

YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT MAKES TOMMY RUN... WORK IS MY LIFE, TV IS MY HOME.

TOMMY RUN... WORK IS MY LIFE, TV IS MY HOME. I ENJOY TALKING TO STRANGERS,

IS MY HOME. I ENJOY TALKING TO STRANGERS, ASKING INANE QUESTIONS, AND

I ENJOY TALKING TO STRANGERS, ASKING INANE QUESTIONS, AND RAMBLING INCOHERENTLY IN FRONT

ASKING INANE QUESTIONS, AND RAMBLING INCOHERENTLY IN FRONT OF MILLIONS OF VIEWERS AT 1:00

RAMBLING INCOHERENTLY IN FRONT OF MILLIONS OF VIEWERS AT 1:00 IN THE MORNING.

OF MILLIONS OF VIEWERS AT 1:00 IN THE MORNING. ALL RIGHT, TOM.

IN THE MORNING. ALL RIGHT, TOM. FAIR ENOUGH.

ALL RIGHT, TOM. FAIR ENOUGH. BUT IT'S A MOTHER'S PREROGATIVE

FAIR ENOUGH. BUT IT'S A MOTHER'S PREROGATIVE TO BE CONCERNED FOR HER SON.

BUT IT'S A MOTHER'S PREROGATIVE TO BE CONCERNED FOR HER SON. MOM, YOU'VE ALWAYS BEEN MY

TO BE CONCERNED FOR HER SON. MOM, YOU'VE ALWAYS BEEN MY BEST GAL.

MOM, YOU'VE ALWAYS BEEN MY BEST GAL. IT WAS DAD I ALWAYS HAD THE

BEST GAL. IT WAS DAD I ALWAYS HAD THE PROBLEM WITH.

IT WAS DAD I ALWAYS HAD THE PROBLEM WITH. I WAS AFRAID HE KNEW HOW I FELT

PROBLEM WITH. I WAS AFRAID HE KNEW HOW I FELT ABOUT YOU AND WAS JEALOUS OF US.

I WAS AFRAID HE KNEW HOW I FELT ABOUT YOU AND WAS JEALOUS OF US. BY GOD, I'D LIKE TO HAVE A

ABOUT YOU AND WAS JEALOUS OF US. BY GOD, I'D LIKE TO HAVE A NICKEL FOR EVERY NIGHT I LAID

BY GOD, I'D LIKE TO HAVE A NICKEL FOR EVERY NIGHT I LAID AWAKE IN MY BED FOR FEAR HE'D

NICKEL FOR EVERY NIGHT I LAID AWAKE IN MY BED FOR FEAR HE'D COME IN AND SNIP THE DARN THING

AWAKE IN MY BED FOR FEAR HE'D COME IN AND SNIP THE DARN THING OFF.

COME IN AND SNIP THE DARN THING OFF. [LAUGHS]

OFF. [LAUGHS] AND I WISH I HAD A NICKEL FOR

[LAUGHS] AND I WISH I HAD A NICKEL FOR EVERY TIME I STOPPED HIM.

AND I WISH I HAD A NICKEL FOR EVERY TIME I STOPPED HIM. WELL, THANK YOU, MOM.

EVERY TIME I STOPPED HIM. WELL, THANK YOU, MOM. I'M GLAD YOU DID.

WELL, THANK YOU, MOM. I'M GLAD YOU DID. AND TO SHOW MY APPRECIATION FOR

I'M GLAD YOU DID. AND TO SHOW MY APPRECIATION FOR BEING THE WONDERFUL MOM THAT YOU

AND TO SHOW MY APPRECIATION FOR BEING THE WONDERFUL MOM THAT YOU ARE, I'D LIKE TO GIVE YOU THIS

BEING THE WONDERFUL MOM THAT YOU ARE, I'D LIKE TO GIVE YOU THIS MOTHER'S DAY GIFT.

ARE, I'D LIKE TO GIVE YOU THIS MOTHER'S DAY GIFT. WELL, THANK YOU, TOMMY.

MOTHER'S DAY GIFT. WELL, THANK YOU, TOMMY. WHAT IS IT?

WELL, THANK YOU, TOMMY. WHAT IS IT? I'LL GIVE YOU A HINT.

WHAT IS IT? I'LL GIVE YOU A HINT. IT'S KIND OF FREE, KIND OF WOW.

I'LL GIVE YOU A HINT. IT'S KIND OF FREE, KIND OF WOW. CHARLIE?

IT'S KIND OF FREE, KIND OF WOW. CHARLIE? CHARLIE. HA.

CHARLIE? CHARLIE. HA. OH, OH, TOMMY, YOU SHOULDN'T

CHARLIE. HA. OH, OH, TOMMY, YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE.

OH, OH, TOMMY, YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE. WELL, MOM, I DID IT BECAUSE

HAVE. WELL, MOM, I DID IT BECAUSE I'M FOND OF YOU, I RESPECT YOU,

WELL, MOM, I DID IT BECAUSE I'M FOND OF YOU, I RESPECT YOU, I ADMIRE YOU, AND I-I...

I'M FOND OF YOU, I RESPECT YOU, I ADMIRE YOU, AND I-I... WELL...

I ADMIRE YOU, AND I-I... WELL... [EXHALES SHARPLY]

WELL... [EXHALES SHARPLY] WHAT THE HECK, MOM... I LOVE

[EXHALES SHARPLY] WHAT THE HECK, MOM... I LOVE YOU, MOM.

WHAT THE HECK, MOM... I LOVE YOU, MOM. THERE, I SAID IT.

YOU, MOM. THERE, I SAID IT. I MEANT IT.

THERE, I SAID IT. I MEANT IT. HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY.

I MEANT IT. HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY. THANKS, TOMMY.

[BAND PLAYS]

THAT'S IT.

THAT'S IT.

THANK YOU.

GOOD NIGHT! GOOD NIGHT!

THANK YOU!

THANK YOU, ALL!

THANKS!

Announcer: NEXT SATURDAY

NIGHT, OUR HOST WILL BE

MAUREEN STAPLETON WITH MUSICAL

GUEST LINDA RONSTADT AND

PHOEBE SNOW.

FOR MOTHER'S DAY, THIS IS

DON PARDO SAYING, "GOOD NIGHT,

MOM."