Original subtitles

[SIREN WAILS, BELL CLANGS]

♪ OH, WE'RE THE MEN OF TEXACO ♪ ♪ WE WORK FROM MAINE TO MEXICO ♪

OF TEXACO ♪ ♪ WE WORK FROM MAINE TO MEXICO ♪ ♪ THERE'S NOTHING

♪ WE WORK FROM MAINE TO MEXICO ♪ ♪ THERE'S NOTHING LIKE THIS TEXACO OF OURS ♪

♪ THERE'S NOTHING LIKE THIS TEXACO OF OURS ♪ ♪ OUR SHOW TONIGHT IS POWERFUL ♪

LIKE THIS TEXACO OF OURS ♪ ♪ OUR SHOW TONIGHT IS POWERFUL ♪ ♪ WE'LL WOW YOU

♪ OUR SHOW TONIGHT IS POWERFUL ♪ ♪ WE'LL WOW YOU WITH AN HOUR FULL OF HOWLS

♪ WE'LL WOW YOU WITH AN HOUR FULL OF HOWLS FROM A SHOWER FULL OF STARS ♪

WITH AN HOUR FULL OF HOWLS FROM A SHOWER FULL OF STARS ♪ ♪ WE'RE THE MERRY TEXACO MEN ♪

FROM A SHOWER FULL OF STARS ♪ ♪ WE'RE THE MERRY TEXACO MEN ♪ ♪ TONIGHT WE MAY BE SHOWMEN ♪

♪ WE'RE THE MERRY TEXACO MEN ♪ ♪ TONIGHT WE MAY BE SHOWMEN ♪ ♪ TOMORROW WE'LL BE SERVICING

♪ TONIGHT WE MAY BE SHOWMEN ♪ ♪ TOMORROW WE'LL BE SERVICING YOUR CARS ♪

♪ TOMORROW WE'LL BE SERVICING YOUR CARS ♪ ♪ I WIPE THE PUMP ♪

YOUR CARS ♪ ♪ I WIPE THE PUMP ♪ ♪ I PUMP THE GAS ♪

♪ I WIPE THE PUMP ♪ ♪ I PUMP THE GAS ♪ ♪ I RUB THE HUB ♪

♪ I PUMP THE GAS ♪ ♪ I RUB THE HUB ♪ ♪ I SCRUB THE GLASS ♪

♪ I RUB THE HUB ♪ ♪ I SCRUB THE GLASS ♪ ♪ I TOUCH THE CLUTCH ♪

♪ I SCRUB THE GLASS ♪ ♪ I TOUCH THE CLUTCH ♪ ♪ I POP THE TOP ♪

♪ I TOUCH THE CLUTCH ♪ ♪ I POP THE TOP ♪ ♪ I POKE THE CHOKE ♪

♪ I POP THE TOP ♪ ♪ I POKE THE CHOKE ♪ ♪ I SELL THE POP ♪

♪ I POKE THE CHOKE ♪ ♪ I SELL THE POP ♪ ♪ I CLEAR THE GEAR ♪

♪ I SELL THE POP ♪ ♪ I CLEAR THE GEAR ♪ ♪ I BLOCK THE KNOCK ♪

♪ I CLEAR THE GEAR ♪ ♪ I BLOCK THE KNOCK ♪ ♪ I JACK THE BACK ♪

♪ I BLOCK THE KNOCK ♪ ♪ I JACK THE BACK ♪ ♪ I SET THE CLOCK ♪

♪ I JACK THE BACK ♪ ♪ I SET THE CLOCK ♪ ♪ I SLASH THE TOP ♪

♪ I SET THE CLOCK ♪ ♪ I SLASH THE TOP ♪ ♪ I PICK THE LOCK ♪

♪ I SLASH THE TOP ♪ ♪ I PICK THE LOCK ♪ ♪ I TAKE YOUR CAR

♪ I PICK THE LOCK ♪ ♪ I TAKE YOUR CAR AROUND THE BLOCK ♪

♪ I TAKE YOUR CAR AROUND THE BLOCK ♪ ♪ I DRIVE IT FAST

AROUND THE BLOCK ♪ ♪ I DRIVE IT FAST AND SMOKE SOME GRASS ♪

♪ I DRIVE IT FAST AND SMOKE SOME GRASS ♪ ♪ IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT,

AND SMOKE SOME GRASS ♪ ♪ IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT, KISS MY... ♪

♪ IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT, KISS MY... ♪ ♪ SKY CHIEF!

KISS MY... ♪ ♪ SKY CHIEF! ♪ FILL UP WITH SKY CHIEF! ♪

♪ SKY CHIEF! ♪ FILL UP WITH SKY CHIEF! ♪ ♪ AND YOU WILL SMILE AT THE PILE

♪ FILL UP WITH SKY CHIEF! ♪ ♪ AND YOU WILL SMILE AT THE PILE OF NEW MILES YOU WILL ADD ♪

♪ AND YOU WILL SMILE AT THE PILE OF NEW MILES YOU WILL ADD ♪ ♪ FIRE CHIEF! ♪

OF NEW MILES YOU WILL ADD ♪ ♪ FIRE CHIEF! ♪ ♪ FILL UP WITH FIRE CHIEF! ♪

♪ FIRE CHIEF! ♪ ♪ FILL UP WITH FIRE CHIEF! ♪ ♪ YOU'LL FIND THAT TEXACO'S

♪ FILL UP WITH FIRE CHIEF! ♪ ♪ YOU'LL FIND THAT TEXACO'S THE FINEST BRAND

♪ YOU'LL FIND THAT TEXACO'S THE FINEST BRAND YOUR CAR HAS EVER HAD ♪

THE FINEST BRAND YOUR CAR HAS EVER HAD ♪ AND NOW, LADIES AND

YOUR CAR HAS EVER HAD ♪ AND NOW, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN...

AND NOW, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN... LIVE FROM NEW YORK,

GENTLEMEN... LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S "SATURDAY NIGHT"!

Announcer: IT'S "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE."

WITH MILTON BERLE.

STARRING DAN AYKROYD... JOHN BELUSHI... JANE CURTIN...

JOHN BELUSHI... JANE CURTIN... GARRETT MORRIS...

JANE CURTIN... GARRETT MORRIS... BILL MURRAY...

GARRETT MORRIS... BILL MURRAY... LARAINE NEWMAN...

BILL MURRAY... LARAINE NEWMAN... AND GILDA RADNER.

WITH MUSICAL GUEST, ORNETTE COLEMAN AND PRIME TIME. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

ORNETTE COLEMAN AND PRIME TIME. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, MR. TELEVISION HIMSELF,

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, MR. TELEVISION HIMSELF, MILTON BERLE!

MR. TELEVISION HIMSELF, MILTON BERLE! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

OH, BOY, LOOK AT THIS. LOVE YOU. YOU LOVE ME.

LOVE YOU. YOU LOVE ME. YOU LOVE ME.

YOU LOVE ME. YOU LOVE ME. HOW ABOUT THIS, HUH?

YOU LOVE ME. HOW ABOUT THIS, HUH? THANK YOU, THANK YOU.

HOW ABOUT THIS, HUH? THANK YOU, THANK YOU. YOU WANT ME.

THANK YOU, THANK YOU. YOU WANT ME. YOU LOVE ME.

YOU WANT ME. YOU LOVE ME. I THINK I'LL QUIT RIGHT NOW.

YOU LOVE ME. I THINK I'LL QUIT RIGHT NOW. I THINK THIS IS A LITTLE TOO

I THINK I'LL QUIT RIGHT NOW. I THINK THIS IS A LITTLE TOO BIG.

I THINK THIS IS A LITTLE TOO BIG. THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

BIG. THANK YOU VERY MUCH. LET'S HEAR IT... HOLD IT, FOLKS.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH. LET'S HEAR IT... HOLD IT, FOLKS. PLEASE.

LET'S HEAR IT... HOLD IT, FOLKS. PLEASE. WE ONLY GOT 90 MINUTES.

PLEASE. WE ONLY GOT 90 MINUTES. THE FOLKS ON THE SHOW... HOLD

WE ONLY GOT 90 MINUTES. THE FOLKS ON THE SHOW... HOLD IT, PLEASE.

THE FOLKS ON THE SHOW... HOLD IT, PLEASE. LET'S HEAR IT FOR LEE MARVIN AND

IT, PLEASE. LET'S HEAR IT FOR LEE MARVIN AND HIS WITNESSES, LADIES AND

LET'S HEAR IT FOR LEE MARVIN AND HIS WITNESSES, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

HIS WITNESSES, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN. [LAUGHTER]

GENTLEMEN. [LAUGHTER] TAKE A BOW.

[LAUGHTER] TAKE A BOW. LOVELY OUTFIT.

TAKE A BOW. LOVELY OUTFIT. YOU ALWAYS DRESS THIS CLASSY?

LOVELY OUTFIT. YOU ALWAYS DRESS THIS CLASSY? NOW, I DON'T FEEL MUCH LIKE

YOU ALWAYS DRESS THIS CLASSY? NOW, I DON'T FEEL MUCH LIKE WORKING.

NOW, I DON'T FEEL MUCH LIKE WORKING. I GOT BAD NEWS.

WORKING. I GOT BAD NEWS. MY WIFE RAN AWAY WITH MY BEST

I GOT BAD NEWS. MY WIFE RAN AWAY WITH MY BEST FRIEND...

MY WIFE RAN AWAY WITH MY BEST FRIEND... AND I MISS HIM.

FRIEND... AND I MISS HIM. [LAUGHTER]

AND I MISS HIM. [LAUGHTER] I'M UNLUCKY.

[LAUGHTER] I'M UNLUCKY. I'LL SHOW YOU...

I'M UNLUCKY. I'LL SHOW YOU... I'M SO UNLUCKY, IF THEY SAWED A

I'LL SHOW YOU... I'M SO UNLUCKY, IF THEY SAWED A WOMAN IN HALF, I'D GET THE PART

I'M SO UNLUCKY, IF THEY SAWED A WOMAN IN HALF, I'D GET THE PART THAT EATS.

WOMAN IN HALF, I'D GET THE PART THAT EATS. WOULD YOU BELIEVE THAT?

THAT EATS. WOULD YOU BELIEVE THAT? I'M GOING BAD.

WOULD YOU BELIEVE THAT? I'M GOING BAD. I'M A REAL LOSER.

I'M GOING BAD. I'M A REAL LOSER. LAST NIGHT, FOR EXAMPLE, I

I'M A REAL LOSER. LAST NIGHT, FOR EXAMPLE, I DREAMT... WHAT SHOW ARE YOU

LAST NIGHT, FOR EXAMPLE, I DREAMT... WHAT SHOW ARE YOU WORKING ON BACK THERE?

DREAMT... WHAT SHOW ARE YOU WORKING ON BACK THERE? IT'S THE BLACK GUY, HUH?

WORKING ON BACK THERE? IT'S THE BLACK GUY, HUH? YOU'RE LUCKY, PAL.

IT'S THE BLACK GUY, HUH? YOU'RE LUCKY, PAL. YOU CAN WALK HOME ALONE AT 3:00

YOU'RE LUCKY, PAL. YOU CAN WALK HOME ALONE AT 3:00 IN THE MORNING.

YOU CAN WALK HOME ALONE AT 3:00 IN THE MORNING. [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

IN THE MORNING. [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE] WOULD YOU LAUGH AT THE REAL

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE] WOULD YOU LAUGH AT THE REAL JOKE?

WOULD YOU LAUGH AT THE REAL JOKE? NO, I'LL SHOW YOU HOW BAD I'M

JOKE? NO, I'LL SHOW YOU HOW BAD I'M GOING.

NO, I'LL SHOW YOU HOW BAD I'M GOING. LAST NIGHT, I DREAMT

GOING. LAST NIGHT, I DREAMT DOLLY PARTON WAS MY MOTHER, AND

LAST NIGHT, I DREAMT DOLLY PARTON WAS MY MOTHER, AND I WAS A BOTTLE BABY.

DOLLY PARTON WAS MY MOTHER, AND I WAS A BOTTLE BABY. THAT'S HOW BAD.

I WAS A BOTTLE BABY. THAT'S HOW BAD. OH, BEFORE I GO ANY FURTHER,

THAT'S HOW BAD. OH, BEFORE I GO ANY FURTHER, HOLD IT.

OH, BEFORE I GO ANY FURTHER, HOLD IT. A FLASH JUST CAME OVER THE AIR.

HOLD IT. A FLASH JUST CAME OVER THE AIR. FORTY-FOUR PUERTO RICANS IN A

A FLASH JUST CAME OVER THE AIR. FORTY-FOUR PUERTO RICANS IN A CRASH.

FORTY-FOUR PUERTO RICANS IN A CRASH. THE BED BROKE.

CRASH. THE BED BROKE. JUST CAME OVER.

THE BED BROKE. JUST CAME OVER. BUT I... OOH.

JUST CAME OVER. BUT I... OOH. GOD, I GOT SO MUCH GAS, I'M

BUT I... OOH. GOD, I GOT SO MUCH GAS, I'M BEING FOLLOWED BY ARABS.

GOD, I GOT SO MUCH GAS, I'M BEING FOLLOWED BY ARABS. BUT THIS...

BEING FOLLOWED BY ARABS. BUT THIS... NO, I WANT TO TELL YOU.

BUT THIS... NO, I WANT TO TELL YOU. EVERYBODY LOOKS WONDERFUL.

NO, I WANT TO TELL YOU. EVERYBODY LOOKS WONDERFUL. I'M SORRY, SIR.

EVERYBODY LOOKS WONDERFUL. I'M SORRY, SIR. YOUR HEAD IS SHINING RIGHT IN MY

I'M SORRY, SIR. YOUR HEAD IS SHINING RIGHT IN MY EYES.

YOUR HEAD IS SHINING RIGHT IN MY EYES. FOR A MINUTE, I THOUGHT YOU WERE

EYES. FOR A MINUTE, I THOUGHT YOU WERE SITTING UPSIDE DOWN.

FOR A MINUTE, I THOUGHT YOU WERE SITTING UPSIDE DOWN. BUT IT IS REALLY...

SITTING UPSIDE DOWN. BUT IT IS REALLY... NO, NO, I'M KIDDING.

BUT IT IS REALLY... NO, NO, I'M KIDDING. I'M KIDDING, I'M KIDDING.

NO, NO, I'M KIDDING. I'M KIDDING, I'M KIDDING. I'M KIDDING.

I'M KIDDING, I'M KIDDING. I'M KIDDING. IS THIS YOUR WIFE?

I'M KIDDING. IS THIS YOUR WIFE? OH, WELL, WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO?

IS THIS YOUR WIFE? OH, WELL, WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO? THIS OTHER COUPLE HERE LOOK

OH, WELL, WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO? THIS OTHER COUPLE HERE LOOK VERY, VERY SWEET.

THIS OTHER COUPLE HERE LOOK VERY, VERY SWEET. IS THIS YOUR WIFE, SIR?

VERY, VERY SWEET. IS THIS YOUR WIFE, SIR? OH, NO?

IS THIS YOUR WIFE, SIR? OH, NO? OH, MOTEL JOB, HUH?

OH, NO? OH, MOTEL JOB, HUH? OKAY, NOW...

OH, MOTEL JOB, HUH? OKAY, NOW... MOTEL SPELLED BACKWARDS...

OKAY, NOW... MOTEL SPELLED BACKWARDS... "LET 'OM."

MOTEL SPELLED BACKWARDS... "LET 'OM." [LAUGHTER]

"LET 'OM." [LAUGHTER] 2, 3, 4...

[LAUGHTER] 2, 3, 4... NO, SHE'S VERY PRETTY.

2, 3, 4... NO, SHE'S VERY PRETTY. SHE'S VERY PRETTY.

NO, SHE'S VERY PRETTY. SHE'S VERY PRETTY. YOU GOT ANY NUDE PICTURES OF

SHE'S VERY PRETTY. YOU GOT ANY NUDE PICTURES OF HER?

YOU GOT ANY NUDE PICTURES OF HER? NO?

HER? NO? WANT TO BUY SOME?

NO? WANT TO BUY SOME? [LAUGHTER]

WANT TO BUY SOME? [LAUGHTER] I SPEAK TO EVERYONE.

[LAUGHTER] I SPEAK TO EVERYONE. I REALLY DO.

I SPEAK TO EVERYONE. I REALLY DO. PULL UP YOUR DRESS, DEAR.

I REALLY DO. PULL UP YOUR DRESS, DEAR. GET YOUR BETS DOWN.

PULL UP YOUR DRESS, DEAR. GET YOUR BETS DOWN. THEY'RE COMING OUT.

GET YOUR BETS DOWN. THEY'RE COMING OUT. OH, GOD, I CAN'T WAIT TILL SHE

THEY'RE COMING OUT. OH, GOD, I CAN'T WAIT TILL SHE HICCUPS.

OH, GOD, I CAN'T WAIT TILL SHE HICCUPS. REMINDS ME.

HICCUPS. REMINDS ME. I GOT TO GET A NEW SET OF TIRES.

REMINDS ME. I GOT TO GET A NEW SET OF TIRES. BUT THIS, UH, REMINDS ME.

I GOT TO GET A NEW SET OF TIRES. BUT THIS, UH, REMINDS ME. I GOT A NEW SET OF TIRES.

BUT THIS, UH, REMINDS ME. I GOT A NEW SET OF TIRES. HERE'S ANOTHER ONE YOU MAY NOT

I GOT A NEW SET OF TIRES. HERE'S ANOTHER ONE YOU MAY NOT CARE FOR.

HERE'S ANOTHER ONE YOU MAY NOT CARE FOR. I HAVE A LOT OF THESE GEMS.

CARE FOR. I HAVE A LOT OF THESE GEMS. IT'S A GOOD AUDIENCE.

I HAVE A LOT OF THESE GEMS. IT'S A GOOD AUDIENCE. I'M REALLY THRILLED.

IT'S A GOOD AUDIENCE. I'M REALLY THRILLED. REALLY, I HAVEN'T BEEN SO

I'M REALLY THRILLED. REALLY, I HAVEN'T BEEN SO THRILLED SINCE I WON

REALLY, I HAVEN'T BEEN SO THRILLED SINCE I WON TRUMAN CAPOTE ON "THE DATING

THRILLED SINCE I WON TRUMAN CAPOTE ON "THE DATING GAME."

TRUMAN CAPOTE ON "THE DATING GAME." BUT THIS IS A GOOD AUDIENCE.

GAME." BUT THIS IS A GOOD AUDIENCE. I'LL TELL YOU WHY.

BUT THIS IS A GOOD AUDIENCE. I'LL TELL YOU WHY. BECAUSE IT'S SO YOUNG.

I'LL TELL YOU WHY. BECAUSE IT'S SO YOUNG. OH, SEE WHAT IT SAYS?

BECAUSE IT'S SO YOUNG. OH, SEE WHAT IT SAYS? "HI, UNCLE MILTIE."

OH, SEE WHAT IT SAYS? "HI, UNCLE MILTIE." LET ME SEE THAT, SIR.

"HI, UNCLE MILTIE." LET ME SEE THAT, SIR. GET OUT OF HERE, WILL YOU?

LET ME SEE THAT, SIR. GET OUT OF HERE, WILL YOU? I'D LIKE TO PUT MY FINGER IN

GET OUT OF HERE, WILL YOU? I'D LIKE TO PUT MY FINGER IN YOUR EAR AND GO BOWLING.

I'D LIKE TO PUT MY FINGER IN YOUR EAR AND GO BOWLING. [LAUGHTER]

YOUR EAR AND GO BOWLING. [LAUGHTER] YOU'RE PRETTY OLD TO COME TO

[LAUGHTER] YOU'RE PRETTY OLD TO COME TO THIS KIND OF A SHOW, PAL.

YOU'RE PRETTY OLD TO COME TO THIS KIND OF A SHOW, PAL. NO HAIR.

THIS KIND OF A SHOW, PAL. NO HAIR. LOOK AT THE YOUNG PEOPLE.

NO HAIR. LOOK AT THE YOUNG PEOPLE. THIS IS A YOUNG AUDIENCE.

LOOK AT THE YOUNG PEOPLE. THIS IS A YOUNG AUDIENCE. I WAS IN MIAMI BEACH.

THIS IS A YOUNG AUDIENCE. I WAS IN MIAMI BEACH. I WAS IN MIAMI BEACH, AND... ARE

I WAS IN MIAMI BEACH. I WAS IN MIAMI BEACH, AND... ARE YOU FROM MIAMI BEACH?

I WAS IN MIAMI BEACH, AND... ARE YOU FROM MIAMI BEACH? OH.

YOU FROM MIAMI BEACH? OH. YOU HEARD THE APPLAUSE?

OH. YOU HEARD THE APPLAUSE? AND...

YOU HEARD THE APPLAUSE? AND... [LAUGHTER]

AND... [LAUGHTER] I WAS IN MIAMI BEACH.

[LAUGHTER] I WAS IN MIAMI BEACH. WE HAD AN AUDIENCE... NOT LIKE

I WAS IN MIAMI BEACH. WE HAD AN AUDIENCE... NOT LIKE THIS.

WE HAD AN AUDIENCE... NOT LIKE THIS. I SAID THE AVERAGE OF THE

THIS. I SAID THE AVERAGE OF THE AUDIENCE IN MIAMI BEACH WAS

I SAID THE AVERAGE OF THE AUDIENCE IN MIAMI BEACH WAS DECEASED.

AUDIENCE IN MIAMI BEACH WAS DECEASED. [LAUGHTER]

DECEASED. [LAUGHTER] BUT I'M GLAD I'M BACK IN

[LAUGHTER] BUT I'M GLAD I'M BACK IN NEW YORK BECAUSE I LOVE IT HERE.

BUT I'M GLAD I'M BACK IN NEW YORK BECAUSE I LOVE IT HERE. YEAH, I REALLY DO.

NEW YORK BECAUSE I LOVE IT HERE. YEAH, I REALLY DO. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

YEAH, I REALLY DO. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] I REALLY.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] I REALLY. NO, LISTEN.

I REALLY. NO, LISTEN. THIS IS THE TRUTH.

NO, LISTEN. THIS IS THE TRUTH. I HAVEN'T BEEN IN NEW YORK FOR A

THIS IS THE TRUTH. I HAVEN'T BEEN IN NEW YORK FOR A LONG TIME.

I HAVEN'T BEEN IN NEW YORK FOR A LONG TIME. THERE ARE SO MANY CHANGES HERE.

LONG TIME. THERE ARE SO MANY CHANGES HERE. FOR EXAMPLE, I WAS WALKING ON

THERE ARE SO MANY CHANGES HERE. FOR EXAMPLE, I WAS WALKING ON FIFTH AVENUE THE OTHER DAY.

FOR EXAMPLE, I WAS WALKING ON FIFTH AVENUE THE OTHER DAY. I SAW A GUY DRESSED VERY FUNNY.

FIFTH AVENUE THE OTHER DAY. I SAW A GUY DRESSED VERY FUNNY. I WALKED OVER TO HIM.

I SAW A GUY DRESSED VERY FUNNY. I WALKED OVER TO HIM. I SAID, "ARE YOU A JEHOVAH

I WALKED OVER TO HIM. I SAID, "ARE YOU A JEHOVAH WITNESS?"

I SAID, "ARE YOU A JEHOVAH WITNESS?" HE SAID, "I DIDN'T EVEN SEE THE

WITNESS?" HE SAID, "I DIDN'T EVEN SEE THE ACCIDENT."

HE SAID, "I DIDN'T EVEN SEE THE ACCIDENT." "I DIDN'T EVEN SEE THE

ACCIDENT." "I DIDN'T EVEN SEE THE ACCIDENT."

"I DIDN'T EVEN SEE THE ACCIDENT." [LAUGHTER]

ACCIDENT." [LAUGHTER] WHAT'D THE REST OF YOU THINK OF

[LAUGHTER] WHAT'D THE REST OF YOU THINK OF IT?

WHAT'D THE REST OF YOU THINK OF IT? [LAUGHTER]

IT? [LAUGHTER] I WANT TO TELL YOU.

[LAUGHTER] I WANT TO TELL YOU. YOU CAN'T GO OUT AT NIGHT HERE.

I WANT TO TELL YOU. YOU CAN'T GO OUT AT NIGHT HERE. IT'S MURDER.

YOU CAN'T GO OUT AT NIGHT HERE. IT'S MURDER. IF YOU GO OUT AT NIGHT TO BUY A

IT'S MURDER. IF YOU GO OUT AT NIGHT TO BUY A PAPER, THE NEXT MORNING, YOU'RE

IF YOU GO OUT AT NIGHT TO BUY A PAPER, THE NEXT MORNING, YOU'RE IN IT.

PAPER, THE NEXT MORNING, YOU'RE IN IT. [LAUGHTER]

IN IT. [LAUGHTER] WHICH JOKE ARE YOU WORKING ON?

[LAUGHTER] WHICH JOKE ARE YOU WORKING ON? I'M STAYING OVER HERE AT THE

WHICH JOKE ARE YOU WORKING ON? I'M STAYING OVER HERE AT THE ESSEX HOUSE.

I'M STAYING OVER HERE AT THE ESSEX HOUSE. THEY PUT ME OVER HER.

ESSEX HOUSE. THEY PUT ME OVER HER. LAST NIGHT, BY MISTAKE, I WALKED

THEY PUT ME OVER HER. LAST NIGHT, BY MISTAKE, I WALKED IN THE WRONG DOOR.

LAST NIGHT, BY MISTAKE, I WALKED IN THE WRONG DOOR. KNOCKED ON THE DOOR.

IN THE WRONG DOOR. KNOCKED ON THE DOOR. GIRL OPENED THE DOOR, AND SHE

KNOCKED ON THE DOOR. GIRL OPENED THE DOOR, AND SHE SAID, "YES?"

GIRL OPENED THE DOOR, AND SHE SAID, "YES?" I DIDN'T EVEN ASK HER.

SAID, "YES?" I DIDN'T EVEN ASK HER. [LAUGHTER]

I DIDN'T EVEN ASK HER. [LAUGHTER] NEXT DOOR TO MY ROOM MUST BE A

[LAUGHTER] NEXT DOOR TO MY ROOM MUST BE A HAWAIIAN HONEYMOON COUPLE 'CAUSE

NEXT DOOR TO MY ROOM MUST BE A HAWAIIAN HONEYMOON COUPLE 'CAUSE ALL NIGHT LONG I HEARD THE GIRL

HAWAIIAN HONEYMOON COUPLE 'CAUSE ALL NIGHT LONG I HEARD THE GIRL YELLING, "LOU-OW!"

ALL NIGHT LONG I HEARD THE GIRL YELLING, "LOU-OW!" [LAUGHTER]

YELLING, "LOU-OW!" [LAUGHTER] CAN I SEE YOUR LIBRARY CARDS

[LAUGHTER] CAN I SEE YOUR LIBRARY CARDS TONIGHT, PLEASE?

CAN I SEE YOUR LIBRARY CARDS TONIGHT, PLEASE? AND ON THE OTHER SIDE OF MY ROOM

TONIGHT, PLEASE? AND ON THE OTHER SIDE OF MY ROOM MUST BE A NEWLYWED COUPLE,

AND ON THE OTHER SIDE OF MY ROOM MUST BE A NEWLYWED COUPLE, 'CAUSE I HEARD THE HUSBAND SAY

MUST BE A NEWLYWED COUPLE, 'CAUSE I HEARD THE HUSBAND SAY TO THE WIFE.

'CAUSE I HEARD THE HUSBAND SAY TO THE WIFE. HE SAID, "TELL ME, DARLING, AM I

TO THE WIFE. HE SAID, "TELL ME, DARLING, AM I THE FIRST ONE?"

HE SAID, "TELL ME, DARLING, AM I THE FIRST ONE?" SHE SAID, "WHY DOES EVERYBODY

THE FIRST ONE?" SHE SAID, "WHY DOES EVERYBODY ALWAYS KEEP ASKING ME THAT?"

SHE SAID, "WHY DOES EVERYBODY ALWAYS KEEP ASKING ME THAT?" BUT I LOVE IT HERE.

ALWAYS KEEP ASKING ME THAT?" BUT I LOVE IT HERE. I GOT MARRIED, BY THE WAY, AT

BUT I LOVE IT HERE. I GOT MARRIED, BY THE WAY, AT THE ESSEX HOUSE 25 YEARS AGO.

I GOT MARRIED, BY THE WAY, AT THE ESSEX HOUSE 25 YEARS AGO. THIS IS MY 25th ANNIVERSARY.

THE ESSEX HOUSE 25 YEARS AGO. THIS IS MY 25th ANNIVERSARY. LET'S HEAR IT OUT THERE, MY

THIS IS MY 25th ANNIVERSARY. LET'S HEAR IT OUT THERE, MY 25th.

LET'S HEAR IT OUT THERE, MY 25th. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

25th. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] TWENTY-FIVE YEARS... IT'S THE

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] TWENTY-FIVE YEARS... IT'S THE TRUTH.

TWENTY-FIVE YEARS... IT'S THE TRUTH. TWENTY-FIVE YEARS TO THE SAME

TRUTH. TWENTY-FIVE YEARS TO THE SAME WOMAN.

TWENTY-FIVE YEARS TO THE SAME WOMAN. I THINK THAT'S REMARKABLE, IN

WOMAN. I THINK THAT'S REMARKABLE, IN SHOW BUSINESS.

I THINK THAT'S REMARKABLE, IN SHOW BUSINESS. WHEN WE GOT MARRIED FIRST, MY

SHOW BUSINESS. WHEN WE GOT MARRIED FIRST, MY WIFE MUST HAVE THOUGHT I WAS

WHEN WE GOT MARRIED FIRST, MY WIFE MUST HAVE THOUGHT I WAS VERY SEXY.

WIFE MUST HAVE THOUGHT I WAS VERY SEXY. NOW SHE'S COMPLAINING.

VERY SEXY. NOW SHE'S COMPLAINING. WE WERE IN BED TOGETHER A COUPLE

NOW SHE'S COMPLAINING. WE WERE IN BED TOGETHER A COUPLE OF MONTHS AGO...

WE WERE IN BED TOGETHER A COUPLE OF MONTHS AGO... [LAUGHTER]

OF MONTHS AGO... [LAUGHTER] AND SHE SAID TO ME, "MILTON,

[LAUGHTER] AND SHE SAID TO ME, "MILTON, EVEN EGGS TAKE THREE MINUTES."

AND SHE SAID TO ME, "MILTON, EVEN EGGS TAKE THREE MINUTES." BUT, UH...

EVEN EGGS TAKE THREE MINUTES." BUT, UH... I TRY TO PLEASE HER.

BUT, UH... I TRY TO PLEASE HER. IN THE BEDROOM, I PUT UP MIRRORS

I TRY TO PLEASE HER. IN THE BEDROOM, I PUT UP MIRRORS ON THE WALL, MIRRORS ON THE

IN THE BEDROOM, I PUT UP MIRRORS ON THE WALL, MIRRORS ON THE CEILING.

ON THE WALL, MIRRORS ON THE CEILING. NOW I GOT 12 DIFFERENT VIEWS OF

CEILING. NOW I GOT 12 DIFFERENT VIEWS OF HER HEADACHE.

NOW I GOT 12 DIFFERENT VIEWS OF HER HEADACHE. [LAUGHTER]

HER HEADACHE. [LAUGHTER] THE KIDS DON'T KNOW ABOUT THAT

[LAUGHTER] THE KIDS DON'T KNOW ABOUT THAT STUFF.

THE KIDS DON'T KNOW ABOUT THAT STUFF. OKAY, BUT...

STUFF. OKAY, BUT... I'LL TELL YOU WHAT.

OKAY, BUT... I'LL TELL YOU WHAT. I WENT TO EXPENSE.

I'LL TELL YOU WHAT. I WENT TO EXPENSE. I BOUGHT US A WATER BED, A

I WENT TO EXPENSE. I BOUGHT US A WATER BED, A WATER BED.

I BOUGHT US A WATER BED, A WATER BED. SHE CALLS IT THE DEAD SEA.

WATER BED. SHE CALLS IT THE DEAD SEA. [LAUGHTER]

SHE CALLS IT THE DEAD SEA. [LAUGHTER] LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, I WAS

[LAUGHTER] LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, I WAS ASKED BY THE PRODUCER OF THIS

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, I WAS ASKED BY THE PRODUCER OF THIS SHOW TO...

ASKED BY THE PRODUCER OF THIS SHOW TO... [CLANGING]

SHOW TO... [CLANGING] WHAT THE HELL?

[CLANGING] WHAT THE HELL? NBC JUST DROPPED ANOTHER SHOW.

WHAT THE HELL? NBC JUST DROPPED ANOTHER SHOW. [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

NBC JUST DROPPED ANOTHER SHOW. [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE] WHAT THE HELL'S GOING ON HERE?

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE] WHAT THE HELL'S GOING ON HERE? OH, IT'S A LIVE SHOW.

WHAT THE HELL'S GOING ON HERE? OH, IT'S A LIVE SHOW. BEFORE I GO ANY FURTHER, I WAS

OH, IT'S A LIVE SHOW. BEFORE I GO ANY FURTHER, I WAS REQUESTED TO SAY BY THE PRODUCER

BEFORE I GO ANY FURTHER, I WAS REQUESTED TO SAY BY THE PRODUCER OF THE SHOW THAT THERE'S GONNA

REQUESTED TO SAY BY THE PRODUCER OF THE SHOW THAT THERE'S GONNA BE SOME GREAT HOSTS ON HERE IN

OF THE SHOW THAT THERE'S GONNA BE SOME GREAT HOSTS ON HERE IN THE FUTURE.

BE SOME GREAT HOSTS ON HERE IN THE FUTURE. GEORGE BURNS... THEY'RE TRYING

THE FUTURE. GEORGE BURNS... THEY'RE TRYING TO GET GEORGE BURNS.

GEORGE BURNS... THEY'RE TRYING TO GET GEORGE BURNS. HE'S GREAT.

TO GET GEORGE BURNS. HE'S GREAT. HE LOOKS JUST LIKE HE DID 40

HE'S GREAT. HE LOOKS JUST LIKE HE DID 40 YEARS AGO... OLD.

HE LOOKS JUST LIKE HE DID 40 YEARS AGO... OLD. I CAN'T TELL YOU HOW OLD BURNS

YEARS AGO... OLD. I CAN'T TELL YOU HOW OLD BURNS IS, BUT I THINK HE WAS

I CAN'T TELL YOU HOW OLD BURNS IS, BUT I THINK HE WAS CIRCUMCISED WITH A STONE KNIFE.

IS, BUT I THINK HE WAS CIRCUMCISED WITH A STONE KNIFE. [LAUGHTER]

CIRCUMCISED WITH A STONE KNIFE. [LAUGHTER] HE'S OLD, MAN.

[LAUGHTER] HE'S OLD, MAN. I'M TELLING YOU.

HE'S OLD, MAN. I'M TELLING YOU. OH, FORGET IT.

I'M TELLING YOU. OH, FORGET IT. WHAT DID YOU SAY?

OH, FORGET IT. WHAT DID YOU SAY? THAT'S IT?

WHAT DID YOU SAY? THAT'S IT? I'M ALL THROUGH?

THAT'S IT? I'M ALL THROUGH? THAT'S IT?

I'M ALL THROUGH? THAT'S IT? THE MONOLOGUE'S THROUGH?

THAT'S IT? THE MONOLOGUE'S THROUGH? GOOD.

THE MONOLOGUE'S THROUGH? GOOD. I CAN CATCH "GILLIGAN'S ISLAND."

GOOD. I CAN CATCH "GILLIGAN'S ISLAND." [LAUGHTER]

I CAN CATCH "GILLIGAN'S ISLAND." [LAUGHTER] YOU MEAN, I DON'T DO ANY MORE

[LAUGHTER] YOU MEAN, I DON'T DO ANY MORE AFTER THIS?

YOU MEAN, I DON'T DO ANY MORE AFTER THIS? IT'S ONLY FIVE MINUTES.

AFTER THIS? IT'S ONLY FIVE MINUTES. ARE YOU KIDDING?

IT'S ONLY FIVE MINUTES. ARE YOU KIDDING? I USUALLY BOW FOR 20.

ARE YOU KIDDING? I USUALLY BOW FOR 20. [LAUGHTER]

I USUALLY BOW FOR 20. [LAUGHTER] WELL, THAT'S THE MONOLOGUE.

[LAUGHTER] WELL, THAT'S THE MONOLOGUE. [CHUCKLES]

WELL, THAT'S THE MONOLOGUE. [CHUCKLES] THANK YOU.

[CHUCKLES] THANK YOU. WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

THANK YOU. WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] FIVE MINUTES?

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] FIVE MINUTES? I NEVER HEARD OF SUCH A THING IN

FIVE MINUTES? I NEVER HEARD OF SUCH A THING IN MY WHOLE LIFE!

I NEVER HEARD OF SUCH A THING IN MY WHOLE LIFE! FIVE MINUTES?!

COME ON, GINGER. COME ON. COME ON.

OH, BETTY, HONEY, YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO GET UP YET. WELL, BOB, I GOT TO GLAZE

HAVE TO GET UP YET. WELL, BOB, I GOT TO GLAZE THOSE TWO HAMS AND PUT THEM IN

WELL, BOB, I GOT TO GLAZE THOSE TWO HAMS AND PUT THEM IN THE OVEN.

THOSE TWO HAMS AND PUT THEM IN THE OVEN. YOU KNOW, WHEN THE WIDETTES GET

THE OVEN. YOU KNOW, WHEN THE WIDETTES GET TOGETHER FOR EASTER, THERE'S

YOU KNOW, WHEN THE WIDETTES GET TOGETHER FOR EASTER, THERE'S ALWAYS A LOT OF COOKING, YOU

TOGETHER FOR EASTER, THERE'S ALWAYS A LOT OF COOKING, YOU KNOW?

ALWAYS A LOT OF COOKING, YOU KNOW? UH-HUH, UH-HUH.

KNOW? UH-HUH, UH-HUH. WHERE'S UNCLE WAYNE?

UH-HUH, UH-HUH. WHERE'S UNCLE WAYNE? THE EASTER BUNNY SHOULD GET HERE

WHERE'S UNCLE WAYNE? THE EASTER BUNNY SHOULD GET HERE BEFORE THE KIDS WAKE UP.

THE EASTER BUNNY SHOULD GET HERE BEFORE THE KIDS WAKE UP. I DON'T KNOW.

BEFORE THE KIDS WAKE UP. I DON'T KNOW. HE USUALLY COMES IN, LETS

I DON'T KNOW. HE USUALLY COMES IN, LETS HIMSELF IN, HIDES ALL THE EGGS

HE USUALLY COMES IN, LETS HIMSELF IN, HIDES ALL THE EGGS BEFORE WE'RE UP.

HIMSELF IN, HIDES ALL THE EGGS BEFORE WE'RE UP. I DON'T KNOW.

BEFORE WE'RE UP. I DON'T KNOW. HE'S GONNA BE PRETTY

I DON'T KNOW. HE'S GONNA BE PRETTY DISAPPOINTED IF THE KIDS ARE UP

HE'S GONNA BE PRETTY DISAPPOINTED IF THE KIDS ARE UP BEFORE HE GETS HERE AND HIDES

DISAPPOINTED IF THE KIDS ARE UP BEFORE HE GETS HERE AND HIDES THE EGGS.

BEFORE HE GETS HERE AND HIDES THE EGGS. WELL, I'LL START BREAKFAST.

THE EGGS. WELL, I'LL START BREAKFAST. YOU WANT PANCAKES OR FRENCH

WELL, I'LL START BREAKFAST. YOU WANT PANCAKES OR FRENCH TOAST?

YOU WANT PANCAKES OR FRENCH TOAST? I THINK I'LL JUST HAVE SOME

TOAST? I THINK I'LL JUST HAVE SOME COFFEE RINGS AND SOME HOME

I THINK I'LL JUST HAVE SOME COFFEE RINGS AND SOME HOME FRIES.

COFFEE RINGS AND SOME HOME FRIES. OKAY.

WELL, IT SAYS HERE IN THE PAPER THEY HAVEN'T FOUND ANY RADIATION IN HERSHEY BARS.

PAPER THEY HAVEN'T FOUND ANY RADIATION IN HERSHEY BARS. [DOORBELL RINGS]

RADIATION IN HERSHEY BARS. [DOORBELL RINGS] THAT'S PROBABLY UNCLE WAYNE.

[DOORBELL RINGS] THAT'S PROBABLY UNCLE WAYNE. HELLO, UNCLE WAYNE.

THAT'S PROBABLY UNCLE WAYNE. HELLO, UNCLE WAYNE. HELLO.

HOW YOU DOING? GOOD TO SEE YOU. I'M SORRY I WAS LATE.

GOOD TO SEE YOU. I'M SORRY I WAS LATE. YOU SEE, WHEN I WAS WALKING OUT

I'M SORRY I WAS LATE. YOU SEE, WHEN I WAS WALKING OUT OF THE SUPERMARKET, THE SECURITY

YOU SEE, WHEN I WAS WALKING OUT OF THE SUPERMARKET, THE SECURITY GUARD STOPPED ME.

OF THE SUPERMARKET, THE SECURITY GUARD STOPPED ME. OH, NO.

GUARD STOPPED ME. OH, NO. HE THOUGHT I WAS SHOPLIFTING.

OH, NO. HE THOUGHT I WAS SHOPLIFTING. IMAGINE THAT.

HE THOUGHT I WAS SHOPLIFTING. IMAGINE THAT. WELL, I'M NOT GONNA LET THAT

IMAGINE THAT. WELL, I'M NOT GONNA LET THAT SPOIL MY EASTER.

WELL, I'M NOT GONNA LET THAT SPOIL MY EASTER. TAMMY AND JEFF UP YET?

SPOIL MY EASTER. TAMMY AND JEFF UP YET? OH, NO.

TAMMY AND JEFF UP YET? OH, NO. WELL, YOU BETTER HURRY AND HIDE

OH, NO. WELL, YOU BETTER HURRY AND HIDE THE EGGS, 'CAUSE WHEN THEY GET A

WELL, YOU BETTER HURRY AND HIDE THE EGGS, 'CAUSE WHEN THEY GET A WHIFF OF BREAKFAST, THEY'LL BE

THE EGGS, 'CAUSE WHEN THEY GET A WHIFF OF BREAKFAST, THEY'LL BE UP LIKE CRAZY.

WHIFF OF BREAKFAST, THEY'LL BE UP LIKE CRAZY. YOU TAKE SOME EGGS, AND I'LL

UP LIKE CRAZY. YOU TAKE SOME EGGS, AND I'LL TAKE SOME EGGS.

YOU TAKE SOME EGGS, AND I'LL TAKE SOME EGGS. ALL RIGHT.

TAKE SOME EGGS. ALL RIGHT. LET'S START HIDING THEM.

ALL RIGHT. LET'S START HIDING THEM. I LOVE TO DO THIS!

LET'S START HIDING THEM. I LOVE TO DO THIS! HA HA!

OH, YOU GOT? TAMMY NEVER LOOKS OVER HERE. PUT IT OVER HERE.

TAMMY NEVER LOOKS OVER HERE. PUT IT OVER HERE. THAT'S FINE.

PUT IT OVER HERE. THAT'S FINE. I'LL PUT SOME OVER HERE.

THAT'S FINE. I'LL PUT SOME OVER HERE. EXCUSE ME, WAYNE.

I'LL PUT SOME OVER HERE. EXCUSE ME, WAYNE. I'M SORRY.

EXCUSE ME, WAYNE. I'M SORRY. ALL RIGHT.

I'M SORRY. ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT!

ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT! THERE, THERE.

ALL RIGHT! THERE, THERE. OH, BOY, THE KIDS SHOULD HAVE

THERE, THERE. OH, BOY, THE KIDS SHOULD HAVE A BALL WITH THIS ONE.

OH, BOY, THE KIDS SHOULD HAVE A BALL WITH THIS ONE. YEAH, NOW WE GOT IT ALL...

A BALL WITH THIS ONE. YEAH, NOW WE GOT IT ALL... OH, IF IT ISN'T THE EASTER

YEAH, NOW WE GOT IT ALL... OH, IF IT ISN'T THE EASTER BUNNY!

OH, IF IT ISN'T THE EASTER BUNNY! HOW IS MY GORGEOUS NIECE?

BUNNY! HOW IS MY GORGEOUS NIECE? HONEST TO GOD, BOB, I WANT TO

HOW IS MY GORGEOUS NIECE? HONEST TO GOD, BOB, I WANT TO TELL YOU SOMETHING.

HONEST TO GOD, BOB, I WANT TO TELL YOU SOMETHING. I DON'T KNOW HOW YOU SNAGGED

TELL YOU SOMETHING. I DON'T KNOW HOW YOU SNAGGED HER.

I DON'T KNOW HOW YOU SNAGGED HER. OH, UNCLE WAYNE, STOP IT.

HER. OH, UNCLE WAYNE, STOP IT. WHAT DO YOU MEAN, STOP IT?

OH, UNCLE WAYNE, STOP IT. WHAT DO YOU MEAN, STOP IT? I DON'T KNOW WHY YOU NEVER

WHAT DO YOU MEAN, STOP IT? I DON'T KNOW WHY YOU NEVER LET ANY GIRL LATCH ONTO YOU.

I DON'T KNOW WHY YOU NEVER LET ANY GIRL LATCH ONTO YOU. WELL, IF THEY EVER MAKE A GAL

LET ANY GIRL LATCH ONTO YOU. WELL, IF THEY EVER MAKE A GAL LIKE YOU OUT OF THE SAME MOLD

WELL, IF THEY EVER MAKE A GAL LIKE YOU OUT OF THE SAME MOLD THAT YOU CAME FROM, I'LL BE SURE

LIKE YOU OUT OF THE SAME MOLD THAT YOU CAME FROM, I'LL BE SURE TO GRAB ONTO HER.

THAT YOU CAME FROM, I'LL BE SURE TO GRAB ONTO HER. OH.

TO GRAB ONTO HER. OH. [YAWNS]

OH. [YAWNS] IS THE EASTER BUNNY HERE YET?

[YAWNS] IS THE EASTER BUNNY HERE YET? OH!

IS THE EASTER BUNNY HERE YET? OH! HI, UNCLE WAYNE!

OH! HI, UNCLE WAYNE! HI YA, TAMMY.

HI, UNCLE WAYNE! HI YA, TAMMY. COME HERE, BABY.

HI YA, TAMMY. COME HERE, BABY. COME OVER HERE.

COME HERE, BABY. COME OVER HERE. OH, DARLING.

COME OVER HERE. OH, DARLING. TAMMY, I THINK I SAW THE EASTER

OH, DARLING. TAMMY, I THINK I SAW THE EASTER BUNNY HOPPING DOWN THE ROAD WHEN

TAMMY, I THINK I SAW THE EASTER BUNNY HOPPING DOWN THE ROAD WHEN I DROVE UP.

BUNNY HOPPING DOWN THE ROAD WHEN I DROVE UP. OH, BOY!

I DROVE UP. OH, BOY! NOW, TAMMY, NO, NO, NO.

OH, BOY! NOW, TAMMY, NO, NO, NO. YOU GOT TO WAIT TILL YOUR

NOW, TAMMY, NO, NO, NO. YOU GOT TO WAIT TILL YOUR BROTHER, JEFF, GETS UP.

YOU GOT TO WAIT TILL YOUR BROTHER, JEFF, GETS UP. NOW COME ON.

BROTHER, JEFF, GETS UP. NOW COME ON. OH, WELL, HE'LL NEVER WAKE

NOW COME ON. OH, WELL, HE'LL NEVER WAKE UP.

OH, WELL, HE'LL NEVER WAKE UP. YOUR FATHER'S RIGHT,

UP. YOUR FATHER'S RIGHT, SWEETHEART.

YOUR FATHER'S RIGHT, SWEETHEART. OKAY.

SWEETHEART. OKAY. JEFF!

OKAY. JEFF! WOULD YOU WAKE UP?

JEFF! WOULD YOU WAKE UP? UNCLE WAYNE'S DOWN HERE.

WOULD YOU WAKE UP? UNCLE WAYNE'S DOWN HERE. OH, LET ME SLEEP FIVE MORE

UNCLE WAYNE'S DOWN HERE. OH, LET ME SLEEP FIVE MORE MINUTES.

OH, LET ME SLEEP FIVE MORE MINUTES. OH!

MINUTES. OH! I'LL WAKE UP OUR LITTLE

OH! I'LL WAKE UP OUR LITTLE SLEEPYHEAD WITH A LITTLE FOOD.

I'LL WAKE UP OUR LITTLE SLEEPYHEAD WITH A LITTLE FOOD. HERSHEY BARS NOT RADIOACTIVE.

SLEEPYHEAD WITH A LITTLE FOOD. HERSHEY BARS NOT RADIOACTIVE. THAT'S GOOD.

HERSHEY BARS NOT RADIOACTIVE. THAT'S GOOD. TAMMY?

THAT'S GOOD. TAMMY? BABY, COME OVER HERE WHILE

TAMMY? BABY, COME OVER HERE WHILE YOU'RE WAITING FOR YOUR BROTHER.

BABY, COME OVER HERE WHILE YOU'RE WAITING FOR YOUR BROTHER. OKAY.

YOU'RE WAITING FOR YOUR BROTHER. OKAY. WHY DON'T YOU SIT DOWN ON OLD

OKAY. WHY DON'T YOU SIT DOWN ON OLD UNCLE WAYNE'S LAP?

WHY DON'T YOU SIT DOWN ON OLD UNCLE WAYNE'S LAP? ALL RIGHT!

UNCLE WAYNE'S LAP? ALL RIGHT! HEH HEH.

ALL RIGHT! HEH HEH. YOU'RE A BIG GIRL NOW.

HEH HEH. YOU'RE A BIG GIRL NOW. REMEMBER WHEN TAMMY WAS FIRST

YOU'RE A BIG GIRL NOW. REMEMBER WHEN TAMMY WAS FIRST BORN, YOU'D COME OVER AND

REMEMBER WHEN TAMMY WAS FIRST BORN, YOU'D COME OVER AND BABYSIT, WAYNE?

BORN, YOU'D COME OVER AND BABYSIT, WAYNE? OH, GOSH, YES.

BABYSIT, WAYNE? OH, GOSH, YES. YOU AND JEFF.

OH, GOSH, YES. YOU AND JEFF. YOU'D GO THROUGH 20 OR 30

YOU AND JEFF. YOU'D GO THROUGH 20 OR 30 DIAPERS A DAY.

YOU'D GO THROUGH 20 OR 30 DIAPERS A DAY. JEFFY WILL BE RIGHT DOWN.

DIAPERS A DAY. JEFFY WILL BE RIGHT DOWN. YEAH.

JEFFY WILL BE RIGHT DOWN. YEAH. IT WON'T BE LONG NOW,

YEAH. IT WON'T BE LONG NOW, SWEETHEART.

IT WON'T BE LONG NOW, SWEETHEART. MAYBE YOU'D BETTER GET OFF YOUR

SWEETHEART. MAYBE YOU'D BETTER GET OFF YOUR UNCLE WAYNE'S LAP.

MAYBE YOU'D BETTER GET OFF YOUR UNCLE WAYNE'S LAP. MY SHOELACES ARE POPPING.

UNCLE WAYNE'S LAP. MY SHOELACES ARE POPPING. HI, UNCLE WAYNE.

MY SHOELACES ARE POPPING. HI, UNCLE WAYNE. OH.

SIT DOWN, SIT DOWN. GOOD MORNING, GOOD MORNING. JEFF, LET ME TAKE A GOOD LOOK AT

GOOD MORNING, GOOD MORNING. JEFF, LET ME TAKE A GOOD LOOK AT YOU.

JEFF, LET ME TAKE A GOOD LOOK AT YOU. OKAY.

YOU. OKAY. UGH!

OKAY. UGH! YOU KNOW, I THINK I SAW THE

UGH! YOU KNOW, I THINK I SAW THE EASTER BUNNY HOPPING DOWN THE

YOU KNOW, I THINK I SAW THE EASTER BUNNY HOPPING DOWN THE STREET.

EASTER BUNNY HOPPING DOWN THE STREET. WHEN I GOT HERE, HE WAS HOPPING

STREET. WHEN I GOT HERE, HE WAS HOPPING DOWN THE STREET.

WHEN I GOT HERE, HE WAS HOPPING DOWN THE STREET. OH, FANTASTIC.

DOWN THE STREET. OH, FANTASTIC. OKAY, OKAY, OKAY, EVERYBODY.

OH, FANTASTIC. OKAY, OKAY, OKAY, EVERYBODY. NOW WE'RE GOING TO GET SOME

OKAY, OKAY, OKAY, EVERYBODY. NOW WE'RE GOING TO GET SOME PICTURES HERE.

NOW WE'RE GOING TO GET SOME PICTURES HERE. PICTURES!

PICTURES HERE. PICTURES! YEP.

PICTURES! YEP. I WANT THE TWO OF YOU WITH

YEP. I WANT THE TWO OF YOU WITH UNCLE WAYNE, AND, HONEY, YOU GET

I WANT THE TWO OF YOU WITH UNCLE WAYNE, AND, HONEY, YOU GET IN THE BACK, TOO.

UNCLE WAYNE, AND, HONEY, YOU GET IN THE BACK, TOO. COME ON, MOM.

IN THE BACK, TOO. COME ON, MOM. GET IN HERE.

COME ON, MOM. GET IN HERE. SQUISH DOWN, KIDS.

GET IN HERE. SQUISH DOWN, KIDS. NOW, TAMMY, JEFF, IN CLOSER

SQUISH DOWN, KIDS. NOW, TAMMY, JEFF, IN CLOSER TO WAYNE NOW.

NOW, TAMMY, JEFF, IN CLOSER TO WAYNE NOW. AND DOWN A LITTLE.

TO WAYNE NOW. AND DOWN A LITTLE. OKAY.

AND DOWN A LITTLE. OKAY. EVERYBODY, NOW WAVE TO THE

OKAY. EVERYBODY, NOW WAVE TO THE CAMERA.

EVERYBODY, NOW WAVE TO THE CAMERA. I'LL START THE EASTER-EGG HUNT.

CAMERA. I'LL START THE EASTER-EGG HUNT. START THE HUNT NOW.

I'LL START THE EASTER-EGG HUNT. START THE HUNT NOW. [ALL CLAMORING]

START THE HUNT NOW. [ALL CLAMORING] START THE HUNT.

[ALL CLAMORING] START THE HUNT. START THE HUNT.

START THE HUNT. START THE HUNT. THAT'S IT.

START THE HUNT. THAT'S IT. LOOK FOR THE HUNT.

THAT'S IT. LOOK FOR THE HUNT. THAT'S IT.

LOOK FOR THE HUNT. THAT'S IT. I FOUND ONE!

THAT'S IT. I FOUND ONE! I FOUND ONE!

I FOUND ONE! I FOUND ONE! I GOT ONE!

I FOUND ONE! I GOT ONE! GIVE ME THAT!

I GOT ONE! GIVE ME THAT! NO!

GIVE ME THAT! NO! NOW, NO FIGHTING.

NO! NOW, NO FIGHTING. NO FIGHTING.

NOW, NO FIGHTING. NO FIGHTING. NO FIGHTING.

NO FIGHTING. NO FIGHTING. HEY!

NO FIGHTING. HEY! FOUL, FOUL, FOUL!

HEY! FOUL, FOUL, FOUL! STOP IT!

FOUL, FOUL, FOUL! STOP IT! THERE'S PLENTY MORE, JEFF.

STOP IT! THERE'S PLENTY MORE, JEFF. NOW, ROBERT, GET THIS ALL ON

THERE'S PLENTY MORE, JEFF. NOW, ROBERT, GET THIS ALL ON FILM AND BE SURE TO GIVE ME A

NOW, ROBERT, GET THIS ALL ON FILM AND BE SURE TO GIVE ME A COPY.

FILM AND BE SURE TO GIVE ME A COPY. I NEVER SAW LAST YEAR'S MOVIES.

COPY. I NEVER SAW LAST YEAR'S MOVIES. WELL, I GOT THE PROJECTOR ALL

I NEVER SAW LAST YEAR'S MOVIES. WELL, I GOT THE PROJECTOR ALL LOADED UP.

WELL, I GOT THE PROJECTOR ALL LOADED UP. I'LL SHOW YOU LAST YEAR'S RIGHT

LOADED UP. I'LL SHOW YOU LAST YEAR'S RIGHT HERE, UNCLE WAYNE.

I'LL SHOW YOU LAST YEAR'S RIGHT HERE, UNCLE WAYNE. OH, THAT'S GOOD.

HERE, UNCLE WAYNE. OH, THAT'S GOOD. YEAH, I GOT IT ALL LOADED UP

OH, THAT'S GOOD. YEAH, I GOT IT ALL LOADED UP HERE.

YEAH, I GOT IT ALL LOADED UP HERE. OKAY, WHO WANTS TO SEE THE

HERE. OKAY, WHO WANTS TO SEE THE EASTER-EGG HUNT?

OKAY, WHO WANTS TO SEE THE EASTER-EGG HUNT? ME!

EASTER-EGG HUNT? ME! OKAY, EVERYBODY SIT DOWN,

ME! OKAY, EVERYBODY SIT DOWN, EXCEPT YOU, UNCLE WAYNE.

OKAY, EVERYBODY SIT DOWN, EXCEPT YOU, UNCLE WAYNE. I DON'T HAVE A SCREEN.

COULD YOU... WHAT? COULD YOU TURN AROUND?

AH... COULD YOU LIFT UP YOUR COAT? LIFT UP THE COAT?

COAT? LIFT UP THE COAT? ♪ THE COAT IS UP ♪

LIFT UP THE COAT? ♪ THE COAT IS UP ♪ THERE YOU GO.

♪ THE COAT IS UP ♪ THERE YOU GO. I CAN'T SEE.

THERE YOU GO. I CAN'T SEE. I CAN'T SEE IT!

I CAN'T SEE. I CAN'T SEE IT! I CAN'T SEE!

I CAN'T SEE IT! I CAN'T SEE! BUT I CAN'T SEE!

I CAN'T SEE! BUT I CAN'T SEE! YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND.

I'M DON KIRSHNER AND WELCOME TO "ROCK CONCERT." I FIRST MET THE VILLAGE PERSONS

TO "ROCK CONCERT." I FIRST MET THE VILLAGE PERSONS TWO YEARS AGO WHEN THEIR LEAD

I FIRST MET THE VILLAGE PERSONS TWO YEARS AGO WHEN THEIR LEAD SINGER, LYLE MANNING, PROVIDED

TWO YEARS AGO WHEN THEIR LEAD SINGER, LYLE MANNING, PROVIDED THE FLORAL ARRANGEMENTS FOR MY

SINGER, LYLE MANNING, PROVIDED THE FLORAL ARRANGEMENTS FOR MY DAUGHTER KAREN'S BAS MITZVAH.

THE FLORAL ARRANGEMENTS FOR MY DAUGHTER KAREN'S BAS MITZVAH. TODAY, THANKS TO THE BRILLIANT

DAUGHTER KAREN'S BAS MITZVAH. TODAY, THANKS TO THE BRILLIANT DISCO PRODUCTION OF

TODAY, THANKS TO THE BRILLIANT DISCO PRODUCTION OF GIORGIO MORALI AND TO THEIR

DISCO PRODUCTION OF GIORGIO MORALI AND TO THEIR MANAGER, MAURY MINEO, THEY HAVE

GIORGIO MORALI AND TO THEIR MANAGER, MAURY MINEO, THEY HAVE BECOME A VIBRANT FORCE IN THE

MANAGER, MAURY MINEO, THEY HAVE BECOME A VIBRANT FORCE IN THE MUSIC INDUSTRY.

BECOME A VIBRANT FORCE IN THE MUSIC INDUSTRY. NOW, TO INTRODUCE THEM FROM THE

MUSIC INDUSTRY. NOW, TO INTRODUCE THEM FROM THE PERSPECTIVE OF A YOUNG PERSON

NOW, TO INTRODUCE THEM FROM THE PERSPECTIVE OF A YOUNG PERSON WHO CAN ENJOY THEIR MUSIC

PERSPECTIVE OF A YOUNG PERSON WHO CAN ENJOY THEIR MUSIC WITHOUT UNDERSTANDING ITS

WHO CAN ENJOY THEIR MUSIC WITHOUT UNDERSTANDING ITS HOMOSEXUAL CONNOTATIONS, HERE IS

WITHOUT UNDERSTANDING ITS HOMOSEXUAL CONNOTATIONS, HERE IS MY DAUGHTER, KAREN KIRSHNER.

HOMOSEXUAL CONNOTATIONS, HERE IS MY DAUGHTER, KAREN KIRSHNER. I FIRST SAW THE

MY DAUGHTER, KAREN KIRSHNER. I FIRST SAW THE VILLAGE PERSONS PERFORM AT

I FIRST SAW THE VILLAGE PERSONS PERFORM AT L.A.'s FAMED ROXY THEATER, WHERE

VILLAGE PERSONS PERFORM AT L.A.'s FAMED ROXY THEATER, WHERE THEY DEBUTED THEIR HIT SINGLE,

L.A.'s FAMED ROXY THEATER, WHERE THEY DEBUTED THEIR HIT SINGLE, "HEALTH CLUB MAN."

THEY DEBUTED THEIR HIT SINGLE, "HEALTH CLUB MAN." TONIGHT, THANKS TO MY GOOD

"HEALTH CLUB MAN." TONIGHT, THANKS TO MY GOOD FRIEND HERB KARP AT POLYSUTRA

TONIGHT, THANKS TO MY GOOD FRIEND HERB KARP AT POLYSUTRA RECORDS, THEY'RE HERE TO PERFORM

FRIEND HERB KARP AT POLYSUTRA RECORDS, THEY'RE HERE TO PERFORM THEIR NEW HIT, "BEND OVER,

RECORDS, THEY'RE HERE TO PERFORM THEIR NEW HIT, "BEND OVER, CHUCK BERRY."

THEIR NEW HIT, "BEND OVER, CHUCK BERRY." LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, PLEASE

CHUCK BERRY." LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, PLEASE WELCOME THE VILLAGE PERSONS.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, PLEASE WELCOME THE VILLAGE PERSONS. [UPBEAT DISCO INTRODUCTION

WELCOME THE VILLAGE PERSONS. [UPBEAT DISCO INTRODUCTION PLAYS]

♪ BEND OVER ♪ ♪ BEND OVER AND OVER ♪ ♪ BEND OVER AND OVER AND OVER ♪

♪ BEND OVER AND OVER ♪ ♪ BEND OVER AND OVER AND OVER ♪ ♪ BEND OVER AND OVER AND OVER ♪

♪ BEND OVER AND OVER AND OVER ♪ ♪ BEND OVER AND OVER AND OVER ♪ ♪ I WENT DOWN TO THE DISCO

♪ BEND OVER AND OVER AND OVER ♪ ♪ I WENT DOWN TO THE DISCO TO MAKE IT

♪ I WENT DOWN TO THE DISCO TO MAKE IT WITH MY LOCAL DEEJAY ♪

TO MAKE IT WITH MY LOCAL DEEJAY ♪ ♪ WELL, HE LOOKS SO GOOD

WITH MY LOCAL DEEJAY ♪ ♪ WELL, HE LOOKS SO GOOD IN LEATHER, AND HE KNOWS

♪ WELL, HE LOOKS SO GOOD IN LEATHER, AND HE KNOWS WHICH RECORDS TO PLAY ♪

IN LEATHER, AND HE KNOWS WHICH RECORDS TO PLAY ♪ ♪ WELL, I WALKED

WHICH RECORDS TO PLAY ♪ ♪ WELL, I WALKED RIGHT UP TO HIM,

♪ WELL, I WALKED RIGHT UP TO HIM, BUT I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY ♪

RIGHT UP TO HIM, BUT I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY ♪ ♪ UH-HUH ♪

BUT I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY ♪ ♪ UH-HUH ♪ ♪ WELL, HE TOLD ME HE WAS MACHO,

♪ UH-HUH ♪ ♪ WELL, HE TOLD ME HE WAS MACHO, AND HE WORKED OUT DOWN

♪ WELL, HE TOLD ME HE WAS MACHO, AND HE WORKED OUT DOWN AT THE GYM ♪

AND HE WORKED OUT DOWN AT THE GYM ♪ ♪ BEND OVER, OVER AND OVER ♪

AT THE GYM ♪ ♪ BEND OVER, OVER AND OVER ♪ ♪ I SAID, "HEY, LOOK,

♪ BEND OVER, OVER AND OVER ♪ ♪ I SAID, "HEY, LOOK, YOU'RE THE BOSS" ♪

♪ I SAID, "HEY, LOOK, YOU'RE THE BOSS" ♪ ♪ AND THE TURNTABLE

YOU'RE THE BOSS" ♪ ♪ AND THE TURNTABLE STARTED TO SPIN ♪

♪ AND THE TURNTABLE STARTED TO SPIN ♪ ♪ BEND OVER, OVER AND OVER ♪

STARTED TO SPIN ♪ ♪ BEND OVER, OVER AND OVER ♪ ♪ AND BEFORE TOO LONG I WAS

♪ BEND OVER, OVER AND OVER ♪ ♪ AND BEFORE TOO LONG I WAS REALLY GETTIN' IN TO HIM ♪

♪ AND BEFORE TOO LONG I WAS REALLY GETTIN' IN TO HIM ♪ ♪ HEY! HEY! HEY-HEY-HEY! ♪

REALLY GETTIN' IN TO HIM ♪ ♪ HEY! HEY! HEY-HEY-HEY! ♪ ♪ BEND OVER, CHUCK BERRY ♪

♪ HEY! HEY! HEY-HEY-HEY! ♪ ♪ BEND OVER, CHUCK BERRY ♪ ♪ PUT YOUR GUITAR AWAY ♪

♪ BEND OVER, CHUCK BERRY ♪ ♪ PUT YOUR GUITAR AWAY ♪ ♪ 'CAUSE THEY'RE PLAYIN'

♪ PUT YOUR GUITAR AWAY ♪ ♪ 'CAUSE THEY'RE PLAYIN' DISCO MUSIC

♪ 'CAUSE THEY'RE PLAYIN' DISCO MUSIC FROM NEW YORK TO L.A. ♪

DISCO MUSIC FROM NEW YORK TO L.A. ♪ ♪ NOT TO MENTION

FROM NEW YORK TO L.A. ♪ ♪ NOT TO MENTION PHILADELPHIA, P-A ♪

♪ NOT TO MENTION PHILADELPHIA, P-A ♪ ♪ TAKE A LOOK AROUND YOU ♪

PHILADELPHIA, P-A ♪ ♪ TAKE A LOOK AROUND YOU ♪ ♪ THERE'S NO MORE ROCK 'N' ROLL

♪ TAKE A LOOK AROUND YOU ♪ ♪ THERE'S NO MORE ROCK 'N' ROLL TODAY ♪

♪ THERE'S NO MORE ROCK 'N' ROLL TODAY ♪ ♪ SO BEND OVER, CHUCK BERRY ♪

TODAY ♪ ♪ SO BEND OVER, CHUCK BERRY ♪ ♪ DISCO IS HERE TO STAY ♪

♪ SO BEND OVER, CHUCK BERRY ♪ ♪ DISCO IS HERE TO STAY ♪ ♪ BEND OVER ♪

♪ DISCO IS HERE TO STAY ♪ ♪ BEND OVER ♪ ♪ BEND OVER AND OVER ♪

♪ BEND OVER ♪ ♪ BEND OVER AND OVER ♪ ♪ BEND OVER AND OVER AND OVER ♪

♪ BEND OVER AND OVER ♪ ♪ BEND OVER AND OVER AND OVER ♪ ♪ YEAH! ♪

♪ BEND OVER AND OVER AND OVER ♪ ♪ YEAH! ♪ ♪ SO THE NEXT TIME

♪ YEAH! ♪ ♪ SO THE NEXT TIME YOU'RE LONELY

♪ SO THE NEXT TIME YOU'RE LONELY AND YOU'RE CRAWLING

YOU'RE LONELY AND YOU'RE CRAWLING ON YOUR HANDS AND KNEES ♪

AND YOU'RE CRAWLING ON YOUR HANDS AND KNEES ♪ ♪ BEND OVER, OVER AND OVER ♪

ON YOUR HANDS AND KNEES ♪ ♪ BEND OVER, OVER AND OVER ♪ ♪ AND YOU'RE CHECKIN' OUT

♪ BEND OVER, OVER AND OVER ♪ ♪ AND YOU'RE CHECKIN' OUT EACH YOUNG MAN TO FIND OUT

♪ AND YOU'RE CHECKIN' OUT EACH YOUNG MAN TO FIND OUT WHERE HE WEARS HIS KEYS ♪

EACH YOUNG MAN TO FIND OUT WHERE HE WEARS HIS KEYS ♪ ♪ BEND OVER, OVER AND OVER ♪

WHERE HE WEARS HIS KEYS ♪ ♪ BEND OVER, OVER AND OVER ♪ ♪ COME ON DOWN TO THE DISCO,

♪ BEND OVER, OVER AND OVER ♪ ♪ COME ON DOWN TO THE DISCO, WHERE THE DEEJAYS

♪ COME ON DOWN TO THE DISCO, WHERE THE DEEJAYS AIM TO PLEASE ♪

WHERE THE DEEJAYS AIM TO PLEASE ♪ ♪ HEY! HEY! HEY-HEY-HEY! ♪

AIM TO PLEASE ♪ ♪ HEY! HEY! HEY-HEY-HEY! ♪ ♪ BEND OVER, CHUCK BERRY ♪

♪ HEY! HEY! HEY-HEY-HEY! ♪ ♪ BEND OVER, CHUCK BERRY ♪ ♪ PUT YOUR GUITAR AWAY ♪

♪ BEND OVER, CHUCK BERRY ♪ ♪ PUT YOUR GUITAR AWAY ♪ ♪ 'CAUSE THEY'RE PLAYIN'

♪ PUT YOUR GUITAR AWAY ♪ ♪ 'CAUSE THEY'RE PLAYIN' DISCO MUSIC

♪ 'CAUSE THEY'RE PLAYIN' DISCO MUSIC FROM NEW YORK TO L.A. ♪

DISCO MUSIC FROM NEW YORK TO L.A. ♪ ♪ THE PLACES GOIN' DOWN

FROM NEW YORK TO L.A. ♪ ♪ THE PLACES GOIN' DOWN IN 'FRISCO BAY ♪

♪ THE PLACES GOIN' DOWN IN 'FRISCO BAY ♪ ♪ TAKE A LOOK AROUND YOU ♪

IN 'FRISCO BAY ♪ ♪ TAKE A LOOK AROUND YOU ♪ ♪ THERE'S NO MORE ROCK 'N' ROLL

♪ TAKE A LOOK AROUND YOU ♪ ♪ THERE'S NO MORE ROCK 'N' ROLL TODAY ♪

♪ THERE'S NO MORE ROCK 'N' ROLL TODAY ♪ ♪ DO YOU HEAR ME, MAN? ♪

TODAY ♪ ♪ DO YOU HEAR ME, MAN? ♪ ♪ BEND OVER ♪

♪ DO YOU HEAR ME, MAN? ♪ ♪ BEND OVER ♪ ♪ SO BEND OVER, CHUCK BERRY ♪

♪ BEND OVER ♪ ♪ SO BEND OVER, CHUCK BERRY ♪ ♪ WHAT WOULD LITTLE RICHARD

♪ SO BEND OVER, CHUCK BERRY ♪ ♪ WHAT WOULD LITTLE RICHARD SAY? ♪

♪ WHAT WOULD LITTLE RICHARD SAY? ♪ ♪ HEY! ♪

JERRY BROWN SHOWS LINDA RONSTADT HIS BACKHAND BREASTSTROKE.

LINDA RONSTADT HIS BACKHAND BREASTSTROKE. THIS STORY AND MORE COMING UP ON

BREASTSTROKE. THIS STORY AND MORE COMING UP ON "WEEKEND UPDATE."

Announcer: AND NOW "WEEKEND UPDATE," WITH THE "WEEKEND UPDATE" NEWS TEAM.

UPDATE," WITH THE "WEEKEND UPDATE" NEWS TEAM. BROUGHT TO YOU BY

UPDATE" NEWS TEAM. BROUGHT TO YOU BY PEPTO-BISMARCK.

BROUGHT TO YOU BY PEPTO-BISMARCK. CONTROLS DIARRHEA IN GERMAN

PEPTO-BISMARCK. CONTROLS DIARRHEA IN GERMAN CHANCELLORS.

CONTROLS DIARRHEA IN GERMAN CHANCELLORS. HERE ARE ANCHORPERSONS

CHANCELLORS. HERE ARE ANCHORPERSONS JANE CURTIN AND BILL MURRAY.

HERE ARE ANCHORPERSONS JANE CURTIN AND BILL MURRAY. GOOD EVENING.

JANE CURTIN AND BILL MURRAY. GOOD EVENING. I'M JANE CURTIN.

GOOD EVENING. I'M JANE CURTIN. HERE NOW THE NEWS.

I'M JANE CURTIN. HERE NOW THE NEWS. OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT...

HERE NOW THE NEWS. OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT... IN HARRISBURG TODAY, THE MEN

OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT... IN HARRISBURG TODAY, THE MEN MOST RESPONSIBLE FOR THE

IN HARRISBURG TODAY, THE MEN MOST RESPONSIBLE FOR THE THREE MILE ISLAND INCIDENT WERE

MOST RESPONSIBLE FOR THE THREE MILE ISLAND INCIDENT WERE TRIED AND EXECUTED BY A

THREE MILE ISLAND INCIDENT WERE TRIED AND EXECUTED BY A REVOLUTIONARY TRIBUNAL.

TRIED AND EXECUTED BY A REVOLUTIONARY TRIBUNAL. TRIBUNAL MEMBERS SAID THEY WOULD

REVOLUTIONARY TRIBUNAL. TRIBUNAL MEMBERS SAID THEY WOULD HAVE ELECTROCUTED THE MEN, BUT

TRIBUNAL MEMBERS SAID THEY WOULD HAVE ELECTROCUTED THE MEN, BUT THEY COULDN'T AFFORD THE

HAVE ELECTROCUTED THE MEN, BUT THEY COULDN'T AFFORD THE ELECTRICITY.

THEY COULDN'T AFFORD THE ELECTRICITY. DISASTER STRUCK WICHITA FALLS,

ELECTRICITY. DISASTER STRUCK WICHITA FALLS, TEXAS, TUESDAY, WHEN A TWISTER

DISASTER STRUCK WICHITA FALLS, TEXAS, TUESDAY, WHEN A TWISTER RIPPED THROUGH THE TOWN, LEAVING

TEXAS, TUESDAY, WHEN A TWISTER RIPPED THROUGH THE TOWN, LEAVING DEATH AND DESTRUCTION IN ITS

RIPPED THROUGH THE TOWN, LEAVING DEATH AND DESTRUCTION IN ITS WAKE.

DEATH AND DESTRUCTION IN ITS WAKE. HERE, A VICTIM OF THE TORNADO

WAKE. HERE, A VICTIM OF THE TORNADO HAD HIS HOUSE DESTROYED AND A

HERE, A VICTIM OF THE TORNADO HAD HIS HOUSE DESTROYED AND A HANDKERCHIEF DRIVEN INTO HIS

HAD HIS HOUSE DESTROYED AND A HANDKERCHIEF DRIVEN INTO HIS FACE.

HANDKERCHIEF DRIVEN INTO HIS FACE. MARRIED ONLY TWO WEEKS,

FACE. MARRIED ONLY TWO WEEKS, PATTY HEARST AND HER BRIDEGROOM,

MARRIED ONLY TWO WEEKS, PATTY HEARST AND HER BRIDEGROOM, BERNARD SHAW, ARE ALREADY HAVING

PATTY HEARST AND HER BRIDEGROOM, BERNARD SHAW, ARE ALREADY HAVING DIFFICULTIES.

BERNARD SHAW, ARE ALREADY HAVING DIFFICULTIES. IT'S A FAMILIAR STORY.

DIFFICULTIES. IT'S A FAMILIAR STORY. SHE DOESN'T LIKE HIS FRIENDS,

IT'S A FAMILIAR STORY. SHE DOESN'T LIKE HIS FRIENDS, AND HE CAN'T STAND HER OLD ARMY

SHE DOESN'T LIKE HIS FRIENDS, AND HE CAN'T STAND HER OLD ARMY BUDDIES.

AND HE CAN'T STAND HER OLD ARMY BUDDIES. BILL?

BUDDIES. BILL? NOW "WEEKEND UPDATE" PRESENTS

BILL? NOW "WEEKEND UPDATE" PRESENTS PART TWO OF THE AMAZING COMEBACK

NOW "WEEKEND UPDATE" PRESENTS PART TWO OF THE AMAZING COMEBACK ATTEMPT OF 41-YEAR-OLD

PART TWO OF THE AMAZING COMEBACK ATTEMPT OF 41-YEAR-OLD CHICO ESCUELA.

ATTEMPT OF 41-YEAR-OLD CHICO ESCUELA. WE TOOK OUR CAMERAS DOWN TO

CHICO ESCUELA. WE TOOK OUR CAMERAS DOWN TO ST. PETERSBURG, FLORIDA, TO

WE TOOK OUR CAMERAS DOWN TO ST. PETERSBURG, FLORIDA, TO COVER AN EXHIBITION GAME BETWEEN

ST. PETERSBURG, FLORIDA, TO COVER AN EXHIBITION GAME BETWEEN THE METS AND THE WORLD CHAMPION

COVER AN EXHIBITION GAME BETWEEN THE METS AND THE WORLD CHAMPION NEW YORK YANKEES.

THE METS AND THE WORLD CHAMPION NEW YORK YANKEES. LET'S GO TO THE FILM.

NEW YORK YANKEES. LET'S GO TO THE FILM. IT WAS A BEAUTIFUL FLORIDA

LET'S GO TO THE FILM. IT WAS A BEAUTIFUL FLORIDA EVENING WHEN THOUSANDS OF

IT WAS A BEAUTIFUL FLORIDA EVENING WHEN THOUSANDS OF EMOTIONAL FANS PACKED INTO

EVENING WHEN THOUSANDS OF EMOTIONAL FANS PACKED INTO ST. PETE'S AL LANG STADIUM TO

EMOTIONAL FANS PACKED INTO ST. PETE'S AL LANG STADIUM TO CHEER THE COMEBACK OF "CINCO,"

ST. PETE'S AL LANG STADIUM TO CHEER THE COMEBACK OF "CINCO," CHICO ESCUELA.

CHEER THE COMEBACK OF "CINCO," CHICO ESCUELA. TONIGHT, AGAINST THE

CHICO ESCUELA. TONIGHT, AGAINST THE BRONX BOMBERS, THE ULTIMATE

TONIGHT, AGAINST THE BRONX BOMBERS, THE ULTIMATE TEST.

BRONX BOMBERS, THE ULTIMATE TEST. IF CHICO DOES WELL, HE HAS A

TEST. IF CHICO DOES WELL, HE HAS A GREAT CHANCE OF MAKING THE METS.

IF CHICO DOES WELL, HE HAS A GREAT CHANCE OF MAKING THE METS. IF NOT, HE'LL EITHER HAVE TO

GREAT CHANCE OF MAKING THE METS. IF NOT, HE'LL EITHER HAVE TO REJOIN US HERE, AT THE "UPDATE"

IF NOT, HE'LL EITHER HAVE TO REJOIN US HERE, AT THE "UPDATE" NEWS DESK, OR GO BACK TO

REJOIN US HERE, AT THE "UPDATE" NEWS DESK, OR GO BACK TO SMUGGLING DOPE IN THE

NEWS DESK, OR GO BACK TO SMUGGLING DOPE IN THE DOMINICAN REPUBLIC.

SMUGGLING DOPE IN THE DOMINICAN REPUBLIC. BATTING IN HIS FAMILIAR LEADOFF

DOMINICAN REPUBLIC. BATTING IN HIS FAMILIAR LEADOFF SPOT, CHICO LOOKS RIDICULOUS ON

BATTING IN HIS FAMILIAR LEADOFF SPOT, CHICO LOOKS RIDICULOUS ON THE FIRST OFFERING FROM THE

SPOT, CHICO LOOKS RIDICULOUS ON THE FIRST OFFERING FROM THE BIONIC SOUTHPAW, TOMMY JOHN.

THE FIRST OFFERING FROM THE BIONIC SOUTHPAW, TOMMY JOHN. BUT THE NEXT PITCH IS A FROZEN

BIONIC SOUTHPAW, TOMMY JOHN. BUT THE NEXT PITCH IS A FROZEN ROPE TO LEFT FIELD FOR A BASE

BUT THE NEXT PITCH IS A FROZEN ROPE TO LEFT FIELD FOR A BASE KNOCK.

ROPE TO LEFT FIELD FOR A BASE KNOCK. FOLI SINGLES TO RIGHT.

KNOCK. FOLI SINGLES TO RIGHT. CHICO COMING ON AROUND TO THIRD.

FOLI SINGLES TO RIGHT. CHICO COMING ON AROUND TO THIRD. AND THEN WATCH THIS.

CHICO COMING ON AROUND TO THIRD. AND THEN WATCH THIS. CHICO'S PATENTED PACHANGA OFF

AND THEN WATCH THIS. CHICO'S PATENTED PACHANGA OFF THIRD BASE UPSETS TOMMY JOHN,

CHICO'S PATENTED PACHANGA OFF THIRD BASE UPSETS TOMMY JOHN, WHO ISN'T READY FOR THE SUICIDE

THIRD BASE UPSETS TOMMY JOHN, WHO ISN'T READY FOR THE SUICIDE SQUEEZE!

WHO ISN'T READY FOR THE SUICIDE SQUEEZE! HE'S IN SLIDING SAFE!

SQUEEZE! HE'S IN SLIDING SAFE! AND THE MAN THEY CALL "EL

HE'S IN SLIDING SAFE! AND THE MAN THEY CALL "EL BANDITO DE LOS BASE PATHS" GIVES

AND THE MAN THEY CALL "EL BANDITO DE LOS BASE PATHS" GIVES THE METS AN EARLY LEAD.

BANDITO DE LOS BASE PATHS" GIVES THE METS AN EARLY LEAD. IT'S ESCUELA AGAIN IN THE TOP OF

THE METS AN EARLY LEAD. IT'S ESCUELA AGAIN IN THE TOP OF THE FIFTH, THIS TIME IN THE

IT'S ESCUELA AGAIN IN THE TOP OF THE FIFTH, THIS TIME IN THE FIELD, PUTTING THE KIBOSH ON A

THE FIFTH, THIS TIME IN THE FIELD, PUTTING THE KIBOSH ON A YANKEE RALLY WITH AN ALMOST

FIELD, PUTTING THE KIBOSH ON A YANKEE RALLY WITH AN ALMOST SPASTIC DIVING STOP.

YANKEE RALLY WITH AN ALMOST SPASTIC DIVING STOP. WITH EVERY INNING, THIS CROWD

SPASTIC DIVING STOP. WITH EVERY INNING, THIS CROWD GROWS MORE ENTHUSIASTIC FOR THIS

WITH EVERY INNING, THIS CROWD GROWS MORE ENTHUSIASTIC FOR THIS 41-YEAR-OLD LATINO, WHO HAS

GROWS MORE ENTHUSIASTIC FOR THIS 41-YEAR-OLD LATINO, WHO HAS STOPPED THE HANDS OF TIME IN THE

41-YEAR-OLD LATINO, WHO HAS STOPPED THE HANDS OF TIME IN THE DIRT BEHIND SECOND BASE.

STOPPED THE HANDS OF TIME IN THE DIRT BEHIND SECOND BASE. BETWEEN INNINGS, I WRAPPED WITH

DIRT BEHIND SECOND BASE. BETWEEN INNINGS, I WRAPPED WITH YANKEE THIRD BASEMAN

BETWEEN INNINGS, I WRAPPED WITH YANKEE THIRD BASEMAN GRAIG NETTLES.

YOU KNOW, PEOPLE TELL ME I'M

A PRETTY FAIR THIRD BASEMAN, BUT

I DON'T THINK I COULD SHINE

CHICO ESCUELA'S SHOES.

BACK TO THE GAME... BOTTOM OF THE NINTH, METS DOWN 6-3, AND IT'S CHICO'S BAT THAT HAS THE

THE NINTH, METS DOWN 6-3, AND IT'S CHICO'S BAT THAT HAS THE FINAL SAY.

IT'S CHICO'S BAT THAT HAS THE FINAL SAY. AN ERROR WITH TWO OUTS LOADS THE

FINAL SAY. AN ERROR WITH TWO OUTS LOADS THE BASES FOR CHICO.

AN ERROR WITH TWO OUTS LOADS THE BASES FOR CHICO. HEY, SOMEBODY STOP THIS

BASES FOR CHICO. HEY, SOMEBODY STOP THIS FAIRY-TALE ENDING!

HEY, SOMEBODY STOP THIS FAIRY-TALE ENDING! TOO LATE!

FAIRY-TALE ENDING! TOO LATE! GRAND SLAM, ESCUELA!

TOO LATE! GRAND SLAM, ESCUELA! [CROWD CHANTING "CHICO"]

GRAND SLAM, ESCUELA! [CROWD CHANTING "CHICO"] ST. PETERSBURG GOES NUTS.

[CROWD CHANTING "CHICO"] ST. PETERSBURG GOES NUTS. AND AFTER THE GAME, THE FANS

ST. PETERSBURG GOES NUTS. AND AFTER THE GAME, THE FANS WON'T QUIT.

AND AFTER THE GAME, THE FANS WON'T QUIT. THEY SCREAM OUT THEIR AFFECTION.

WON'T QUIT. THEY SCREAM OUT THEIR AFFECTION. HALL-OF-FAMER WILLIE MAYS

THEY SCREAM OUT THEIR AFFECTION. HALL-OF-FAMER WILLIE MAYS PRESENTS CHICO WITH AN OIL

HALL-OF-FAMER WILLIE MAYS PRESENTS CHICO WITH AN OIL PORTRAIT OF JULIAN BOND WEARING

PRESENTS CHICO WITH AN OIL PORTRAIT OF JULIAN BOND WEARING A METS UNIFORM.

INCREDIBLE. INCREDIBLE. WELL, AS YOU PROBABLY KNOW,

INCREDIBLE. WELL, AS YOU PROBABLY KNOW, CHICO MADE THE METS SQUAD THIS

WELL, AS YOU PROBABLY KNOW, CHICO MADE THE METS SQUAD THIS YEAR, AND "WEEKEND UPDATE"

CHICO MADE THE METS SQUAD THIS YEAR, AND "WEEKEND UPDATE" WISHES HIM ONLY THE BEST DURING

YEAR, AND "WEEKEND UPDATE" WISHES HIM ONLY THE BEST DURING THE '79 SEASON.

WISHES HIM ONLY THE BEST DURING THE '79 SEASON. NEXT TIME WE'LL HAVE A PROGRESS

THE '79 SEASON. NEXT TIME WE'LL HAVE A PROGRESS REPORT ON THE SUCCESS OF THE

NEXT TIME WE'LL HAVE A PROGRESS REPORT ON THE SUCCESS OF THE LOVABLE 41-YEAR-OLD LATINO WITH

REPORT ON THE SUCCESS OF THE LOVABLE 41-YEAR-OLD LATINO WITH THE GRIN-EATING GRIN.

LOVABLE 41-YEAR-OLD LATINO WITH THE GRIN-EATING GRIN. INCREDIBLE.

THE GRIN-EATING GRIN. INCREDIBLE. I RECENTLY GOT A LOT OF MAIL

INCREDIBLE. I RECENTLY GOT A LOT OF MAIL HERE FROM SOME LISTENERS AT WGN

I RECENTLY GOT A LOT OF MAIL HERE FROM SOME LISTENERS AT WGN IN CHICAGO POINTING OUT TO ME

HERE FROM SOME LISTENERS AT WGN IN CHICAGO POINTING OUT TO ME THAT ANITA BRYANT WAS 39 YEARS

IN CHICAGO POINTING OUT TO ME THAT ANITA BRYANT WAS 39 YEARS OLD A COUPLE YEARS AGO.

THAT ANITA BRYANT WAS 39 YEARS OLD A COUPLE YEARS AGO. IT'S HARD TO BELIEVE BECAUSE SHE

OLD A COUPLE YEARS AGO. IT'S HARD TO BELIEVE BECAUSE SHE DOESN'T LOOK IT, AND, BESIDES,

IT'S HARD TO BELIEVE BECAUSE SHE DOESN'T LOOK IT, AND, BESIDES, ANITA AND I ONCE HAD A THING.

DOESN'T LOOK IT, AND, BESIDES, ANITA AND I ONCE HAD A THING. AND IT'S HARD TO BELIEVE, BUT

ANITA AND I ONCE HAD A THING. AND IT'S HARD TO BELIEVE, BUT SHE WAS COMPLETELY DIFFERENT

AND IT'S HARD TO BELIEVE, BUT SHE WAS COMPLETELY DIFFERENT THAN SHE IS NOW.

SHE WAS COMPLETELY DIFFERENT THAN SHE IS NOW. SHE'S SO OUTSPOKEN NOW, AND I

THAN SHE IS NOW. SHE'S SO OUTSPOKEN NOW, AND I HAVE TO SAY IT'S SO HYPOCRITICAL

SHE'S SO OUTSPOKEN NOW, AND I HAVE TO SAY IT'S SO HYPOCRITICAL OF HER BECAUSE IF I TOLD YOU

HAVE TO SAY IT'S SO HYPOCRITICAL OF HER BECAUSE IF I TOLD YOU SOME OF THE THINGS THAT SHE USED

OF HER BECAUSE IF I TOLD YOU SOME OF THE THINGS THAT SHE USED TO BEG ME TO DO...

SOME OF THE THINGS THAT SHE USED TO BEG ME TO DO... IT'S INCREDIBLE.

TO BEG ME TO DO... IT'S INCREDIBLE. LET ME JUST SAY THIS.

IT'S INCREDIBLE. LET ME JUST SAY THIS. ANITA, I'M CALLING YOU ON IT.

LET ME JUST SAY THIS. ANITA, I'M CALLING YOU ON IT. WHEN WE WENT OUT, YOU DRANK

ANITA, I'M CALLING YOU ON IT. WHEN WE WENT OUT, YOU DRANK NOTHING BUT APPLE JUICE, AND YOU

WHEN WE WENT OUT, YOU DRANK NOTHING BUT APPLE JUICE, AND YOU KNOW IT.

NOTHING BUT APPLE JUICE, AND YOU KNOW IT. THERE.

KNOW IT. THERE. I HAD TO SAY IT.

THERE. I HAD TO SAY IT. A LOT OF WATER UNDER THE BRIDGE,

I HAD TO SAY IT. A LOT OF WATER UNDER THE BRIDGE, BUT IT'S ME, ANITA.

A LOT OF WATER UNDER THE BRIDGE, BUT IT'S ME, ANITA. SO DON'T TRY AND FOOL ME, ALL

BUT IT'S ME, ANITA. SO DON'T TRY AND FOOL ME, ALL RIGHT?

SO DON'T TRY AND FOOL ME, ALL RIGHT? JANE?

RIGHT? JANE? SOVIET SCIENTISTS ARE

JANE? SOVIET SCIENTISTS ARE PREPARING TO START UP A

SOVIET SCIENTISTS ARE PREPARING TO START UP A BRAND-NEW NUCLEAR REACTOR POWER

PREPARING TO START UP A BRAND-NEW NUCLEAR REACTOR POWER PLANT IN RUSSIA'S URAL

BRAND-NEW NUCLEAR REACTOR POWER PLANT IN RUSSIA'S URAL MOUNTAINS.

PLANT IN RUSSIA'S URAL MOUNTAINS. A SOVIET SPOKESMAN SAID THAT

MOUNTAINS. A SOVIET SPOKESMAN SAID THAT THEY FEEL SAFE IN GOING AHEAD

A SOVIET SPOKESMAN SAID THAT THEY FEEL SAFE IN GOING AHEAD NOW THAT THEY'VE GOTTEN THE BUGS

THEY FEEL SAFE IN GOING AHEAD NOW THAT THEY'VE GOTTEN THE BUGS OUT OF THEIR TEST MODEL IN

NOW THAT THEY'VE GOTTEN THE BUGS OUT OF THEIR TEST MODEL IN PENNSYLVANIA.

OUT OF THEIR TEST MODEL IN PENNSYLVANIA. BILL?

PENNSYLVANIA. BILL? IN BRITAIN, WHERE POLITICAL

BILL? IN BRITAIN, WHERE POLITICAL CAMPAIGNS ARE OFTEN A SOURCE OF

IN BRITAIN, WHERE POLITICAL CAMPAIGNS ARE OFTEN A SOURCE OF UNMISTAKABLY BRITISH WIT, WE

CAMPAIGNS ARE OFTEN A SOURCE OF UNMISTAKABLY BRITISH WIT, WE HAVE THIS FROM PRIME MINISTER

UNMISTAKABLY BRITISH WIT, WE HAVE THIS FROM PRIME MINISTER JAMES CALLAHAN...

HAVE THIS FROM PRIME MINISTER JAMES CALLAHAN... COMMENTING ON THE LIKELY DEFEAT

JAMES CALLAHAN... COMMENTING ON THE LIKELY DEFEAT OF HIS LABOR PARTY BY THE TORIES

COMMENTING ON THE LIKELY DEFEAT OF HIS LABOR PARTY BY THE TORIES IN THE UPCOMING BRITISH

OF HIS LABOR PARTY BY THE TORIES IN THE UPCOMING BRITISH ELECTIONS, CALLAHAN QUIPPED,

IN THE UPCOMING BRITISH ELECTIONS, CALLAHAN QUIPPED, "WHEN I CONGRATULATE

ELECTIONS, CALLAHAN QUIPPED, "WHEN I CONGRATULATE MRS. THATCHER, I WON'T KNOW

"WHEN I CONGRATULATE MRS. THATCHER, I WON'T KNOW WHETHER TO CLASP HER HAND OR

MRS. THATCHER, I WON'T KNOW WHETHER TO CLASP HER HAND OR HAND HER A CLASP."

WHETHER TO CLASP HER HAND OR HAND HER A CLASP." WHEN ASKED TO EXPLAIN HIS JOKE,

HAND HER A CLASP." WHEN ASKED TO EXPLAIN HIS JOKE, CALLAHAN REPLIED, "BY THE TERM

WHEN ASKED TO EXPLAIN HIS JOKE, CALLAHAN REPLIED, "BY THE TERM 'CLASP, ' I MEAN OF COURSE A

CALLAHAN REPLIED, "BY THE TERM 'CLASP, ' I MEAN OF COURSE A PAPER CLIP SUCH AS MIGHT BE USED

'CLASP, ' I MEAN OF COURSE A PAPER CLIP SUCH AS MIGHT BE USED TO HOLD TOGETHER THE VARIOUS

PAPER CLIP SUCH AS MIGHT BE USED TO HOLD TOGETHER THE VARIOUS IMPORTANT PAPERS AND DOCUMENTS,

TO HOLD TOGETHER THE VARIOUS IMPORTANT PAPERS AND DOCUMENTS, WHICH, AS PRIME MINISTER,

IMPORTANT PAPERS AND DOCUMENTS, WHICH, AS PRIME MINISTER, MRS. THATCHER WOULD VERY LIKELY

WHICH, AS PRIME MINISTER, MRS. THATCHER WOULD VERY LIKELY BE HANDLING."

MRS. THATCHER WOULD VERY LIKELY BE HANDLING." HA HA!

BE HANDLING." HA HA! THERE WILL ALWAYS BE AN ENGLAND.

HA HA! THERE WILL ALWAYS BE AN ENGLAND. YOU KNOW, THIS SURPRISED ME.

THERE WILL ALWAYS BE AN ENGLAND. YOU KNOW, THIS SURPRISED ME. DEMOGRAPHIC STUDIES SHOW THAT

YOU KNOW, THIS SURPRISED ME. DEMOGRAPHIC STUDIES SHOW THAT ONLY 7.8% OF TEENAGE VIEWERS

DEMOGRAPHIC STUDIES SHOW THAT ONLY 7.8% OF TEENAGE VIEWERS WATCH THE NEWS.

ONLY 7.8% OF TEENAGE VIEWERS WATCH THE NEWS. OUCH. THAT HURTS.

WATCH THE NEWS. OUCH. THAT HURTS. WELL, IN AN ATTEMPT TO LURE SOME

OUCH. THAT HURTS. WELL, IN AN ATTEMPT TO LURE SOME OF YOU KIDS, WE WANT TO

WELL, IN AN ATTEMPT TO LURE SOME OF YOU KIDS, WE WANT TO INTRODUCE A GIRL WITH SOME

OF YOU KIDS, WE WANT TO INTRODUCE A GIRL WITH SOME PRETTY HIP CREDENTIALS ON THE

INTRODUCE A GIRL WITH SOME PRETTY HIP CREDENTIALS ON THE MUSIC SCENE TO TALK TO YOU.

PRETTY HIP CREDENTIALS ON THE MUSIC SCENE TO TALK TO YOU. SHE'S WRITTEN FOR EVERY

MUSIC SCENE TO TALK TO YOU. SHE'S WRITTEN FOR EVERY MAGAZINE, FROM TIGER BEAT TO

SHE'S WRITTEN FOR EVERY MAGAZINE, FROM TIGER BEAT TO SLASH MAGAZINE.

MAGAZINE, FROM TIGER BEAT TO SLASH MAGAZINE. AND NOW LET'S WELCOME HER, A NEW

SLASH MAGAZINE. AND NOW LET'S WELCOME HER, A NEW MEMBER OF THE "UPDATE" TEAM,

AND NOW LET'S WELCOME HER, A NEW MEMBER OF THE "UPDATE" TEAM, ROCK CRITIC Z. JONES.

MEMBER OF THE "UPDATE" TEAM, ROCK CRITIC Z. JONES. Z., NICE TO HAVE YOU WITH US.

ROCK CRITIC Z. JONES. Z., NICE TO HAVE YOU WITH US. HI, I'M Z. JONES.

Z., NICE TO HAVE YOU WITH US. HI, I'M Z. JONES. OKAY, TONIGHT WE'LL BE TALKING

HI, I'M Z. JONES. OKAY, TONIGHT WE'LL BE TALKING ABOUT WHO'S HYPE AND WHO'S HOT.

OKAY, TONIGHT WE'LL BE TALKING ABOUT WHO'S HYPE AND WHO'S HOT. I HOPE I GET THIS OUT BEFORE

ABOUT WHO'S HYPE AND WHO'S HOT. I HOPE I GET THIS OUT BEFORE THOSE 'LUDES KICK IN.

I HOPE I GET THIS OUT BEFORE THOSE 'LUDES KICK IN. OKAY.

THOSE 'LUDES KICK IN. OKAY. WHO'S HOT?

OKAY. WHO'S HOT? ELVIS COSTELLO IS VERY, VERY HOT

WHO'S HOT? ELVIS COSTELLO IS VERY, VERY HOT RIGHT NOW, RIGHT?

ELVIS COSTELLO IS VERY, VERY HOT RIGHT NOW, RIGHT? DOES EVERYBODY LIKE HIM?

RIGHT NOW, RIGHT? DOES EVERYBODY LIKE HIM? RIGHT.

DOES EVERYBODY LIKE HIM? RIGHT. [APPLAUSE]

RIGHT. [APPLAUSE] REALLY.

[APPLAUSE] REALLY. I MEAN, THE FIRST TWO ALBUMS...

REALLY. I MEAN, THE FIRST TWO ALBUMS... DYNAMITE, RIGHT?

I MEAN, THE FIRST TWO ALBUMS... DYNAMITE, RIGHT? BUT NOW ELVIS IS BEGINNING TO

DYNAMITE, RIGHT? BUT NOW ELVIS IS BEGINNING TO BELIEVE HIS OWN HYPE, AND THAT

BUT NOW ELVIS IS BEGINNING TO BELIEVE HIS OWN HYPE, AND THAT IS DEATH FOR A CREATIVE ARTIST.

BELIEVE HIS OWN HYPE, AND THAT IS DEATH FOR A CREATIVE ARTIST. I MEAN, IT SHOULD BE NO NEWS TO

IS DEATH FOR A CREATIVE ARTIST. I MEAN, IT SHOULD BE NO NEWS TO ANYONE THAT ELVIS IS ONE OF THE

I MEAN, IT SHOULD BE NO NEWS TO ANYONE THAT ELVIS IS ONE OF THE MOST OBNOXIOUS AND DERIVATIVE

ANYONE THAT ELVIS IS ONE OF THE MOST OBNOXIOUS AND DERIVATIVE TALENTS AROUND.

MOST OBNOXIOUS AND DERIVATIVE TALENTS AROUND. I MEAN, TAKE HIS SONG ON THE

TALENTS AROUND. I MEAN, TAKE HIS SONG ON THE SECOND ALBUM, "THIS YEAR'S

I MEAN, TAKE HIS SONG ON THE SECOND ALBUM, "THIS YEAR'S MODEL," CALLED "THIS YEAR'S

SECOND ALBUM, "THIS YEAR'S MODEL," CALLED "THIS YEAR'S GIRL," OKAY?

MODEL," CALLED "THIS YEAR'S GIRL," OKAY? HERE'S THE OPENING DRUM LINE.

GIRL," OKAY? HERE'S THE OPENING DRUM LINE. IT GOES...

HERE'S THE OPENING DRUM LINE. IT GOES... KA-KOOM, CHI CHI,

IT GOES... KA-KOOM, CHI CHI, KA-KOOM, CHI CHI.

KA-KOOM, CHI CHI, KA-KOOM, CHI CHI. KA-KOOM.

KA-KOOM, CHI CHI. KA-KOOM. OKAY, YOU GOT THAT?

KA-KOOM. OKAY, YOU GOT THAT? NOW, "TICKET TO RIDE" BY THE

OKAY, YOU GOT THAT? NOW, "TICKET TO RIDE" BY THE BEATLES.

NOW, "TICKET TO RIDE" BY THE BEATLES. CHA-KOOM, KI CHI,

BEATLES. CHA-KOOM, KI CHI, CHA-KOOM, KI CHI.

CHA-KOOM, KI CHI, CHA-KOOM, KI CHI. ♪ I THINK I'M GONNA BE SAD ♪

CHA-KOOM, KI CHI. ♪ I THINK I'M GONNA BE SAD ♪ ♪ I THINK IT'S TODAY ♪

♪ I THINK I'M GONNA BE SAD ♪ ♪ I THINK IT'S TODAY ♪ KA-KOOM, CHI.

♪ I THINK IT'S TODAY ♪ KA-KOOM, CHI. SAME THING.

KA-KOOM, CHI. SAME THING. I'M SORRY, OKAY?

SAME THING. I'M SORRY, OKAY? SO, WHERE IS THE REAL ELVIS?

I'M SORRY, OKAY? SO, WHERE IS THE REAL ELVIS? I MEAN HE'S GOT ELVIS PRESLEY'S

SO, WHERE IS THE REAL ELVIS? I MEAN HE'S GOT ELVIS PRESLEY'S FIRST NAME, LOU COSTELLO'S LAST

I MEAN HE'S GOT ELVIS PRESLEY'S FIRST NAME, LOU COSTELLO'S LAST NAME, AND BUDDY HOLLY'S GLASSES.

FIRST NAME, LOU COSTELLO'S LAST NAME, AND BUDDY HOLLY'S GLASSES. I MEAN, THERE'S NO LAW THAT SAYS

NAME, AND BUDDY HOLLY'S GLASSES. I MEAN, THERE'S NO LAW THAT SAYS A PUNK CAN'T WEAR CONTACT

I MEAN, THERE'S NO LAW THAT SAYS A PUNK CAN'T WEAR CONTACT LENSES, OKAY?

A PUNK CAN'T WEAR CONTACT LENSES, OKAY? NOW LISTEN.

LENSES, OKAY? NOW LISTEN. ELVIS' MANAGER, JAKE RIVIERA,

NOW LISTEN. ELVIS' MANAGER, JAKE RIVIERA, STIFF RECORDS... I HOPE YOU'RE

ELVIS' MANAGER, JAKE RIVIERA, STIFF RECORDS... I HOPE YOU'RE LISTENING.

STIFF RECORDS... I HOPE YOU'RE LISTENING. WISE UP, JAKE, OR ELVIS IS GONNA

LISTENING. WISE UP, JAKE, OR ELVIS IS GONNA BE THINKING OF 50 WAYS TO LEAVE

WISE UP, JAKE, OR ELVIS IS GONNA BE THINKING OF 50 WAYS TO LEAVE HIS MANAGER.

BE THINKING OF 50 WAYS TO LEAVE HIS MANAGER. YOU KNOW, LIKE IN THAT SONG BY

HIS MANAGER. YOU KNOW, LIKE IN THAT SONG BY PAUL, UH...

YOU KNOW, LIKE IN THAT SONG BY PAUL, UH... OH, IT'S NOT WILLIAMS.

PAUL, UH... OH, IT'S NOT WILLIAMS. OH, I CAN'T BELIEVE I BLANKED

OH, IT'S NOT WILLIAMS. OH, I CAN'T BELIEVE I BLANKED OUT LIKE THIS ON TV.

OH, I CAN'T BELIEVE I BLANKED OUT LIKE THIS ON TV. IT MUST BE THOSE 'LUDES.

OUT LIKE THIS ON TV. IT MUST BE THOSE 'LUDES. UH, Z., BABY?

IT MUST BE THOSE 'LUDES. UH, Z., BABY? WE'RE RUNNING A LITTLE BIT SHORT

UH, Z., BABY? WE'RE RUNNING A LITTLE BIT SHORT ON TIME.

WE'RE RUNNING A LITTLE BIT SHORT ON TIME. YOU HAVE ANY FINAL WORDS SO WE

ON TIME. YOU HAVE ANY FINAL WORDS SO WE COULD WRAP IT UP?

YOU HAVE ANY FINAL WORDS SO WE COULD WRAP IT UP? WELL, I HAVE ALL THESE NOTES

COULD WRAP IT UP? WELL, I HAVE ALL THESE NOTES LEFT, BUT I GUESS IT CAN WAIT

WELL, I HAVE ALL THESE NOTES LEFT, BUT I GUESS IT CAN WAIT TILL NEXT WEEK.

LEFT, BUT I GUESS IT CAN WAIT TILL NEXT WEEK. GREAT.

TILL NEXT WEEK. GREAT. OKAY, PART TWO NEXT WEEK, THEN.

GREAT. OKAY, PART TWO NEXT WEEK, THEN. BUT THERE'S ONE THING, BILL,

OKAY, PART TWO NEXT WEEK, THEN. BUT THERE'S ONE THING, BILL, I JUST WANT TO ADD... JUST A

BUT THERE'S ONE THING, BILL, I JUST WANT TO ADD... JUST A SECOND.

I JUST WANT TO ADD... JUST A SECOND. JAKE, TELL ELVIS TO CONTACT ME

SECOND. JAKE, TELL ELVIS TO CONTACT ME IF HE WANTS THE NUMBER OF A

JAKE, TELL ELVIS TO CONTACT ME IF HE WANTS THE NUMBER OF A DYNAMITE PSYCHIC.

IF HE WANTS THE NUMBER OF A DYNAMITE PSYCHIC. THIS GUY DID THIS READING FOR

DYNAMITE PSYCHIC. THIS GUY DID THIS READING FOR PETER TOSH.

THIS GUY DID THIS READING FOR PETER TOSH. I MEAN, AFTER THAT, PETER DREW

PETER TOSH. I MEAN, AFTER THAT, PETER DREW THE STONES LIKE A MAGNET.

I MEAN, AFTER THAT, PETER DREW THE STONES LIKE A MAGNET. TELL HIM TO GIVE ME A CALL...

THE STONES LIKE A MAGNET. TELL HIM TO GIVE ME A CALL... 555-2391.

TELL HIM TO GIVE ME A CALL... 555-2391. I'M NOT KIDDING.

555-2391. I'M NOT KIDDING. AND IF YOU'RE NOT JAKE OR

I'M NOT KIDDING. AND IF YOU'RE NOT JAKE OR ELVIS, YOU'RE ON THE HONOR

AND IF YOU'RE NOT JAKE OR ELVIS, YOU'RE ON THE HONOR SYSTEM NOT TO CALL AND HARASS

ELVIS, YOU'RE ON THE HONOR SYSTEM NOT TO CALL AND HARASS THIS GIRL.

SYSTEM NOT TO CALL AND HARASS THIS GIRL. THANKS VERY MUCH.

THIS GIRL. THANKS VERY MUCH. OKAY, THANK YOU, Z. JONES.

THANKS VERY MUCH. OKAY, THANK YOU, Z. JONES. APPRECIATE IT.

OKAY, THANK YOU, Z. JONES. APPRECIATE IT. WELL, "THE TREASURES OF

APPRECIATE IT. WELL, "THE TREASURES OF TUTANKHAMEN" HAS BEEN AT THE

WELL, "THE TREASURES OF TUTANKHAMEN" HAS BEEN AT THE NEW YORK METROPOLITAN MUSEUM OF

TUTANKHAMEN" HAS BEEN AT THE NEW YORK METROPOLITAN MUSEUM OF ART SINCE LAST DECEMBER.

NEW YORK METROPOLITAN MUSEUM OF ART SINCE LAST DECEMBER. CLOSES TOMORROW.

ART SINCE LAST DECEMBER. CLOSES TOMORROW. OVER A MILLION AND A QUARTER

CLOSES TOMORROW. OVER A MILLION AND A QUARTER PEOPLE HAVE VISITED THE EXHIBIT,

OVER A MILLION AND A QUARTER PEOPLE HAVE VISITED THE EXHIBIT, WHICH WILL MOVE ON TO

PEOPLE HAVE VISITED THE EXHIBIT, WHICH WILL MOVE ON TO SAN FRANCISCO FROM HERE.

WHICH WILL MOVE ON TO SAN FRANCISCO FROM HERE. AND FOR ALL NEW YORKERS, I'D

SAN FRANCISCO FROM HERE. AND FOR ALL NEW YORKERS, I'D LIKE TO SAY A SPECIAL GOODBYE TO

AND FOR ALL NEW YORKERS, I'D LIKE TO SAY A SPECIAL GOODBYE TO KING TUT.

LIKE TO SAY A SPECIAL GOODBYE TO KING TUT. ♪ OH, TUT-TUT-TUTSIE, GOODBYE ♪

KING TUT. ♪ OH, TUT-TUT-TUTSIE, GOODBYE ♪ ♪ TUT-TUT-TUTSIE, DON'T CRY ♪

♪ OH, TUT-TUT-TUTSIE, GOODBYE ♪ ♪ TUT-TUT-TUTSIE, DON'T CRY ♪ ♪ OH, KISS ME, TUTTY, AND THEN

♪ TUT-TUT-TUTSIE, DON'T CRY ♪ ♪ OH, KISS ME, TUTTY, AND THEN WON'T YOU DO IT OVER AGAIN? ♪

♪ OH, KISS ME, TUTTY, AND THEN WON'T YOU DO IT OVER AGAIN? ♪ ♪ TUT-TUT-TUTSIE, DON'T CRY ♪

WON'T YOU DO IT OVER AGAIN? ♪ ♪ TUT-TUT-TUTSIE, DON'T CRY ♪ ♪ TUT-TUT-TUTSIE, GOODBYE ♪

♪ TUT-TUT-TUTSIE, DON'T CRY ♪ ♪ TUT-TUT-TUTSIE, GOODBYE ♪ YOU NUT!

♪ TUT-TUT-TUTSIE, GOODBYE ♪ YOU NUT! GET OUT OF HERE, YOU.

YOU NUT! GET OUT OF HERE, YOU. BACK IN THE SARCOPHAGUS, YOU

GET OUT OF HERE, YOU. BACK IN THE SARCOPHAGUS, YOU MANIAC.

BACK IN THE SARCOPHAGUS, YOU MANIAC. ALL RIGHT.

MANIAC. ALL RIGHT. YEAH, AND YOU WANT TO SAY HELLO

ALL RIGHT. YEAH, AND YOU WANT TO SAY HELLO TO YOUR "MUMMY" FOR ME WHEN YOU

YEAH, AND YOU WANT TO SAY HELLO TO YOUR "MUMMY" FOR ME WHEN YOU GET BACK THERE?

TO YOUR "MUMMY" FOR ME WHEN YOU GET BACK THERE? HA HA.

GET BACK THERE? HA HA. JANE?

HA HA. JANE? THAT'S THE NEWS.

JANE? THAT'S THE NEWS. GOOD NIGHT AND HAVE A PLEASANT

THAT'S THE NEWS. GOOD NIGHT AND HAVE A PLEASANT TOMORROW.

[HORN HONKS] YOU CAN ALWAYS TELL THE RECENT ARRIVALS OUT THERE

YOU CAN ALWAYS TELL THE RECENT ARRIVALS OUT THERE BECAUSE THEY'RE THE ONES WHO

RECENT ARRIVALS OUT THERE BECAUSE THEY'RE THE ONES WHO WHEN THE EAT SANDWICHES GET THE

BECAUSE THEY'RE THE ONES WHO WHEN THE EAT SANDWICHES GET THE ALFALFA SPROUTS CAUGHT IN THEIR

WHEN THE EAT SANDWICHES GET THE ALFALFA SPROUTS CAUGHT IN THEIR GOLD CHAINS.

ALFALFA SPROUTS CAUGHT IN THEIR GOLD CHAINS. [CHUCKLES]

GOLD CHAINS. [CHUCKLES] AND THAT'S THE DIFFERENCE

[CHUCKLES] AND THAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN NEW YORK AND

AND THAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN NEW YORK AND LOS ANGELES.

BETWEEN NEW YORK AND LOS ANGELES. THAT'S IT.

LOS ANGELES. THAT'S IT. THAT'S IT?

THAT'S IT. THAT'S IT? WELL, THANK YOU VERY, VERY MUCH.

THAT'S IT? WELL, THANK YOU VERY, VERY MUCH. STEP RIGHT DOWN.

WELL, THANK YOU VERY, VERY MUCH. STEP RIGHT DOWN. VERY, VERY, VERY INTERESTING.

STEP RIGHT DOWN. VERY, VERY, VERY INTERESTING. THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

VERY, VERY, VERY INTERESTING. THANK YOU VERY MUCH. VERY TALENTED.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH. VERY TALENTED. JUST WAIT OUTSIDE, PLEASE.

VERY TALENTED. JUST WAIT OUTSIDE, PLEASE. [CHUCKLES]

JUST WAIT OUTSIDE, PLEASE. [CHUCKLES] THE WORST.

[CHUCKLES] THE WORST. HOW MANY MORE DO WE HAVE?

THE WORST. HOW MANY MORE DO WE HAVE? JUST A FEW MORE.

HOW MANY MORE DO WE HAVE? JUST A FEW MORE. OKAY, SEND THEM IN.

JUST A FEW MORE. OKAY, SEND THEM IN. OKAY.

OKAY, SEND THEM IN. OKAY. RICKY SCOTT?

OKAY. RICKY SCOTT? RICKY SCOTT?

RICKY SCOTT? RICKY SCOTT? HEY, RICKY SCOTT, WHY NOT?

RICKY SCOTT? HEY, RICKY SCOTT, WHY NOT? HOW ARE YOU?

HEY, RICKY SCOTT, WHY NOT? HOW ARE YOU? GLAD TO SEE YOU, RICKY.

HOW ARE YOU? GLAD TO SEE YOU, RICKY. YOU WANT TO GET UP THERE AND DO

GLAD TO SEE YOU, RICKY. YOU WANT TO GET UP THERE AND DO YOUR BIT?

YOU WANT TO GET UP THERE AND DO YOUR BIT? YOU BET.

YOUR BIT? YOU BET. RIGHT HERE IN THE LAUNCHING

YOU BET. RIGHT HERE IN THE LAUNCHING PAD.

RIGHT HERE IN THE LAUNCHING PAD. MIGHT BE A BIG STAR.

PAD. MIGHT BE A BIG STAR. OKAY, I HOPE SO.

MIGHT BE A BIG STAR. OKAY, I HOPE SO. HEY, HOW ARE YOU PEOPLE TONIGHT,

OKAY, I HOPE SO. HEY, HOW ARE YOU PEOPLE TONIGHT, HUH?

HEY, HOW ARE YOU PEOPLE TONIGHT, HUH? HUH?

HUH? HUH? WHO'S FROM OUT OF TOWN, HUH?

HUH? WHO'S FROM OUT OF TOWN, HUH? HEY, EXCUSE ME.

WHO'S FROM OUT OF TOWN, HUH? HEY, EXCUSE ME. HOW YOU DOING?

HEY, EXCUSE ME. HOW YOU DOING? IS THIS YOUR WIFE?

HOW YOU DOING? IS THIS YOUR WIFE? SEE, I LIKE TO WORK THE ROOM.

IS THIS YOUR WIFE? SEE, I LIKE TO WORK THE ROOM. I LIKE TO GET THE AUDIENCE TO

SEE, I LIKE TO WORK THE ROOM. I LIKE TO GET THE AUDIENCE TO KNOW ME A LITTLE BIT.

I LIKE TO GET THE AUDIENCE TO KNOW ME A LITTLE BIT. THEY LIKE ME, AND THEN I START

KNOW ME A LITTLE BIT. THEY LIKE ME, AND THEN I START GOING TO THE STUFF.

THEY LIKE ME, AND THEN I START GOING TO THE STUFF. I DO A FEW IMPRESSIONS.

GOING TO THE STUFF. I DO A FEW IMPRESSIONS. [As Sen. Ted Kennedy] THE

I DO A FEW IMPRESSIONS. [As Sen. Ted Kennedy] THE REAL PROBLEM WITH THAT, OF

[As Sen. Ted Kennedy] THE REAL PROBLEM WITH THAT, OF COURSE, IS...

REAL PROBLEM WITH THAT, OF COURSE, IS... [Normal voice] TEDDY KENNEDY?

COURSE, IS... [Normal voice] TEDDY KENNEDY? NOBODY REMEMBERS, OKAY.

[Normal voice] TEDDY KENNEDY? NOBODY REMEMBERS, OKAY. [As James Cagney] I'M A YANKEE

NOBODY REMEMBERS, OKAY. [As James Cagney] I'M A YANKEE DOODLE DANDY.

[As James Cagney] I'M A YANKEE DOODLE DANDY. A YANKEE DOODLE, DO OR DIE.

DOODLE DANDY. A YANKEE DOODLE, DO OR DIE. [LAUGHS]

A YANKEE DOODLE, DO OR DIE. [LAUGHS] [As Jimmy Stewart] OH, THE

[LAUGHS] [As Jimmy Stewart] OH, THE TROUBLE WITH M-MY CLIENT IS THAT

[As Jimmy Stewart] OH, THE TROUBLE WITH M-MY CLIENT IS THAT HE HAD NO IDEA WHERE THE

TROUBLE WITH M-MY CLIENT IS THAT HE HAD NO IDEA WHERE THE UNDERWEAR WAS AT THE TIME.

HE HAD NO IDEA WHERE THE UNDERWEAR WAS AT THE TIME. [Normal voice] NOBODY SAW

UNDERWEAR WAS AT THE TIME. [Normal voice] NOBODY SAW "ANATOMY OF A MURDER," I GUESS.

[Normal voice] NOBODY SAW "ANATOMY OF A MURDER," I GUESS. JIMMY STEWART.

"ANATOMY OF A MURDER," I GUESS. JIMMY STEWART. HOW MANY OF YOU HAVE SEEN

JIMMY STEWART. HOW MANY OF YOU HAVE SEEN TELEVISION?

HOW MANY OF YOU HAVE SEEN TELEVISION? CAN I HEAR FROM YOU?

TELEVISION? CAN I HEAR FROM YOU? YEAH.

CAN I HEAR FROM YOU? YEAH. ALL THOSE COP SHOWS... THEY'RE

YEAH. ALL THOSE COP SHOWS... THEY'RE ALL ALIKE, AREN'T THEY?

ALL THOSE COP SHOWS... THEY'RE ALL ALIKE, AREN'T THEY? THERE'S ALWAYS A GUY ON A

ALL ALIKE, AREN'T THEY? THERE'S ALWAYS A GUY ON A MOTORCYCLE.

THERE'S ALWAYS A GUY ON A MOTORCYCLE. [IMITATES MOTORCYCLE]

MOTORCYCLE. [IMITATES MOTORCYCLE] THEN THEY CALL THAT HELICOPTER.

[IMITATES MOTORCYCLE] THEN THEY CALL THAT HELICOPTER. HEY, THIS IS THE TOWER.

THEN THEY CALL THAT HELICOPTER. HEY, THIS IS THE TOWER. [IMITATES HELICOPTER]

HEY, THIS IS THE TOWER. [IMITATES HELICOPTER] THIS IS THE TOWER.

[IMITATES HELICOPTER] THIS IS THE TOWER. [IMITATING TALKING OVER

THIS IS THE TOWER. [IMITATING TALKING OVER POLICE RADIO]

[IMITATING TALKING OVER POLICE RADIO] OKAY, OKAY, OKAY.

[POLICE RADIO] OKAY, OKAY, OKAY. DID YOU EVER GO TO A FUNERAL?

OKAY, OKAY, OKAY. DID YOU EVER GO TO A FUNERAL? FUNERALS ARE FUNNY.

DID YOU EVER GO TO A FUNERAL? FUNERALS ARE FUNNY. DID YOU EVER GO TO A FUNERAL OF

FUNERALS ARE FUNNY. DID YOU EVER GO TO A FUNERAL OF SOMEBODY YOU DIDN'T LIKE?

DID YOU EVER GO TO A FUNERAL OF SOMEBODY YOU DIDN'T LIKE? YES.

SOMEBODY YOU DIDN'T LIKE? YES. THANK YOU VERY MUCH, RICKY.

YES. THANK YOU VERY MUCH, RICKY. THANK YOU.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH, RICKY. THANK YOU. PUT THE MIKE BACK AND THANK YOU.

THANK YOU. PUT THE MIKE BACK AND THANK YOU. YOU WERE VERY GOOD.

PUT THE MIKE BACK AND THANK YOU. YOU WERE VERY GOOD. YOU CAN WAIT OUTSIDE, PLEASE.

YOU WERE VERY GOOD. YOU CAN WAIT OUTSIDE, PLEASE. THANKS A LOT.

YOU CAN WAIT OUTSIDE, PLEASE. THANKS A LOT. I GOT MORE STUFF.

THANKS A LOT. I GOT MORE STUFF. I KNOW YOU'VE GOT MORE STUFF.

I GOT MORE STUFF. I KNOW YOU'VE GOT MORE STUFF. BUT YOU WERE VERY, VERY GOOD.

I KNOW YOU'VE GOT MORE STUFF. BUT YOU WERE VERY, VERY GOOD. JUST WAIT OUTSIDE.

BUT YOU WERE VERY, VERY GOOD. JUST WAIT OUTSIDE. THANK YOU, EVERYBODY.

JUST WAIT OUTSIDE. THANK YOU, EVERYBODY. THANK YOU, THANK YOU.

THANK YOU, EVERYBODY. THANK YOU, THANK YOU. [LAUGHS]

THANK YOU, THANK YOU. [LAUGHS] HEY, RICKY SCOTT, WHY NOT?

[LAUGHS] HEY, RICKY SCOTT, WHY NOT? OOH!

HEY, RICKY SCOTT, WHY NOT? OOH! HE'S BEEN HERE BEFORE, HASN'T

OOH! HE'S BEEN HERE BEFORE, HASN'T HE?

HE'S BEEN HERE BEFORE, HASN'T HE? YEAH, THREE OR FOUR TIMES.

HE? YEAH, THREE OR FOUR TIMES. HE'S GETTING MUCH BETTER.

YEAH, THREE OR FOUR TIMES. HE'S GETTING MUCH BETTER. WHO'S NEXT?

HE'S GETTING MUCH BETTER. WHO'S NEXT? NEXT?

WHO'S NEXT? NEXT? CHARLES 25X.

NEXT? CHARLES 25X. CHARLES 25X.

CHARLES 25X. CHARLES 25X. HOW DO YOU DO?

CHARLES 25X. HOW DO YOU DO? RIGHT UP THERE.

HOW DO YOU DO? RIGHT UP THERE. GRAB THE MIKE.

RIGHT UP THERE. GRAB THE MIKE. YOU'RE ON.

GRAB THE MIKE. YOU'RE ON. DO YOUR BEST.

YOU'RE ON. DO YOUR BEST. DO YOUR BEST.

DO YOUR BEST. DO YOUR BEST. UM...

DO YOUR BEST. UM... OKAY.

UM... OKAY. HAVE YOU NOTICED THERE ARE A LOT

OKAY. HAVE YOU NOTICED THERE ARE A LOT OF DIFFERENCES BETWEEN BLACK

HAVE YOU NOTICED THERE ARE A LOT OF DIFFERENCES BETWEEN BLACK FOLKS AND WHITE FOLKS?

OF DIFFERENCES BETWEEN BLACK FOLKS AND WHITE FOLKS? YEAH.

FOLKS AND WHITE FOLKS? YEAH. FOR INSTANCE, HAVE YOU EVER

YEAH. FOR INSTANCE, HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED HOW BLACK FOLKS' HAIR IS

FOR INSTANCE, HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED HOW BLACK FOLKS' HAIR IS REAL KINKY AND WHITE FOLKS' HAIR

NOTICED HOW BLACK FOLKS' HAIR IS REAL KINKY AND WHITE FOLKS' HAIR IS REAL STRAIGHT?

REAL KINKY AND WHITE FOLKS' HAIR IS REAL STRAIGHT? OH, AND THEIR LIPS... THEY GOT

IS REAL STRAIGHT? OH, AND THEIR LIPS... THEY GOT SMALL LIPS.

OH, AND THEIR LIPS... THEY GOT SMALL LIPS. YOU KNOW, REAL SKINNY LIPS.

SMALL LIPS. YOU KNOW, REAL SKINNY LIPS. OH...

YOU KNOW, REAL SKINNY LIPS. OH... [LAUGHS]

OH... [LAUGHS] WAIT.

[LAUGHS] WAIT. HOW ABOUT THAT INFLATION?

WAIT. HOW ABOUT THAT INFLATION? PRICES JUST KEEP GOING UP AND UP

HOW ABOUT THAT INFLATION? PRICES JUST KEEP GOING UP AND UP AND UP.

PRICES JUST KEEP GOING UP AND UP AND UP. OH, YEAH.

AND UP. OH, YEAH. AND HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED THAT

OH, YEAH. AND HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED THAT WHITE FOLKS HAVE A STRANGE

AND HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED THAT WHITE FOLKS HAVE A STRANGE SMELL?

WHITE FOLKS HAVE A STRANGE SMELL? I MEAN, THEY REALLY STINK.

SMELL? I MEAN, THEY REALLY STINK. YEAH.

I MEAN, THEY REALLY STINK. YEAH. I'M SORRY.

YEAH. I'M SORRY. THAT'S ALL THE MATERIAL I HAVE.

I'M SORRY. THAT'S ALL THE MATERIAL I HAVE. YOU WERE VERY GOOD.

THAT'S ALL THE MATERIAL I HAVE. YOU WERE VERY GOOD. VERY, VERY GOOD.

YOU WERE VERY GOOD. VERY, VERY GOOD. THANK YOU.

VERY, VERY GOOD. THANK YOU. THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

THANK YOU. THANK YOU VERY MUCH. THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH. THANK YOU VERY MUCH. I ESPECIALLY LIKED THE INFLATION

THANK YOU VERY MUCH. I ESPECIALLY LIKED THE INFLATION JOKE.

I ESPECIALLY LIKED THE INFLATION JOKE. OH, YEAH, YEAH.

JOKE. OH, YEAH, YEAH. I THOUGHT THAT ONE UP LAST

OH, YEAH, YEAH. I THOUGHT THAT ONE UP LAST NIGHT.

I THOUGHT THAT ONE UP LAST NIGHT. YOU DID?

NIGHT. YOU DID? YEAH.

YOU DID? YEAH. VERY GOOD.

YEAH. VERY GOOD. YOU WAIT OUTSIDE, HUH?

VERY GOOD. YOU WAIT OUTSIDE, HUH? OKAY.

YOU WAIT OUTSIDE, HUH? OKAY. YOU DID THAT FINE, AND YOUR

OKAY. YOU DID THAT FINE, AND YOUR JOKES ARE REAL TOPICAL.

YOU DID THAT FINE, AND YOUR JOKES ARE REAL TOPICAL. THANK YOU, SIR.

JOKES ARE REAL TOPICAL. THANK YOU, SIR. YEAH, CAN'T PUT ANYTHING OVER

THANK YOU, SIR. YEAH, CAN'T PUT ANYTHING OVER ON YOU.

YEAH, CAN'T PUT ANYTHING OVER ON YOU. WHO'S THE NEXT...

ON YOU. WHO'S THE NEXT... MR. PINE, THESE ARE BRANCH

WHO'S THE NEXT... MR. PINE, THESE ARE BRANCH AND NORRIS.

MR. PINE, THESE ARE BRANCH AND NORRIS. BRANCH AND NORRIS?

AND NORRIS. BRANCH AND NORRIS? I THINK I SHOULD BE FRANK

BRANCH AND NORRIS? I THINK I SHOULD BE FRANK WITH YOU, SIR.

I THINK I SHOULD BE FRANK WITH YOU, SIR. WE MAY BE A LITTLE TOO HIP FOR

WITH YOU, SIR. WE MAY BE A LITTLE TOO HIP FOR YOUR CLUB.

WE MAY BE A LITTLE TOO HIP FOR YOUR CLUB. WE DO IMPROVISATION.

YOUR CLUB. WE DO IMPROVISATION. OH, TOO HIP, HUH?

WE DO IMPROVISATION. OH, TOO HIP, HUH? YEAH.

OH, TOO HIP, HUH? YEAH. FOR MY CLUB?

YEAH. FOR MY CLUB? I THINK SO.

FOR MY CLUB? I THINK SO. BUDDY PINE'S LAUNCHING PAD.

I THINK SO. BUDDY PINE'S LAUNCHING PAD. WE'LL SEE ABOUT THAT.

BUDDY PINE'S LAUNCHING PAD. WE'LL SEE ABOUT THAT. STEP UP THERE.

WE'LL SEE ABOUT THAT. STEP UP THERE. OKAY.

STEP UP THERE. OKAY. TOO HIP.

OKAY. TOO HIP. WELL, THEN, IF YOU'LL GIVE A

TOO HIP. WELL, THEN, IF YOU'LL GIVE A SUGGESTION OF A PLACE, WE'LL DO

WELL, THEN, IF YOU'LL GIVE A SUGGESTION OF A PLACE, WE'LL DO A SCENE FOR YOU.

SUGGESTION OF A PLACE, WE'LL DO A SCENE FOR YOU. ANY PLACE AT ALL, ANY PLACE

A SCENE FOR YOU. ANY PLACE AT ALL, ANY PLACE AT ALL.

ANY PLACE AT ALL, ANY PLACE AT ALL. A PLACE?

AT ALL. A PLACE? YEAH.

A PLACE? YEAH. HOW ABOUT MONTANA?

YEAH. HOW ABOUT MONTANA? MONTANA.

HOW ABOUT MONTANA? MONTANA. UM... COULD YOU BE A LITTLE MORE

MONTANA. UM... COULD YOU BE A LITTLE MORE SPECIFIC?

UM... COULD YOU BE A LITTLE MORE SPECIFIC? OKAY, BUTTE, MONTANA.

SPECIFIC? OKAY, BUTTE, MONTANA. BUTTE, MONTANA.

OKAY, BUTTE, MONTANA. BUTTE, MONTANA. OKAY, HOW ABOUT A CAR DRIVING

BUTTE, MONTANA. OKAY, HOW ABOUT A CAR DRIVING THROUGH BUTTE, MONTANA?

OKAY, HOW ABOUT A CAR DRIVING THROUGH BUTTE, MONTANA? NO, A RESTAURANT IN BUTTE,

THROUGH BUTTE, MONTANA? NO, A RESTAURANT IN BUTTE, MONTANA.

NO, A RESTAURANT IN BUTTE, MONTANA. A DRIVE-IN RESTAURANT.

MONTANA. A DRIVE-IN RESTAURANT. AN ITALIAN RESTAURANT.

A DRIVE-IN RESTAURANT. AN ITALIAN RESTAURANT. OKAY, AN ITALIAN RESTAURANT

AN ITALIAN RESTAURANT. OKAY, AN ITALIAN RESTAURANT WITH A PARKING LOT NEXT TO IT.

OKAY, AN ITALIAN RESTAURANT WITH A PARKING LOT NEXT TO IT. OKAY.

WITH A PARKING LOT NEXT TO IT. OKAY. A WOMAN IS PULLING INTO THE

OKAY. A WOMAN IS PULLING INTO THE PARKING LOT TO GO INTO AN

A WOMAN IS PULLING INTO THE PARKING LOT TO GO INTO AN ITALIAN RESTAURANT IN BUTTE,

PARKING LOT TO GO INTO AN ITALIAN RESTAURANT IN BUTTE, MONTANA.

ITALIAN RESTAURANT IN BUTTE, MONTANA. [IMITATING SIREN]

MONTANA. [IMITATING SIREN] IS THERE ANYTHING WRONG,

[IMITATING SIREN] IS THERE ANYTHING WRONG, OFFICER?

IS THERE ANYTHING WRONG, OFFICER? THERE CERTAINLY IS, I'LL SAY.

OFFICER? THERE CERTAINLY IS, I'LL SAY. YOU JUST MADE A RIGHT-HAND TURN

THERE CERTAINLY IS, I'LL SAY. YOU JUST MADE A RIGHT-HAND TURN FROM THE OUTSIDE LANE.

YOU JUST MADE A RIGHT-HAND TURN FROM THE OUTSIDE LANE. IT'S ILLEGAL HERE IN BUTTE,

FROM THE OUTSIDE LANE. IT'S ILLEGAL HERE IN BUTTE, MONTANA.

IT'S ILLEGAL HERE IN BUTTE, MONTANA. [SIGHS]

MONTANA. [SIGHS] I'M SORRY, OFFICER, BUT I WAS

[SIGHS] I'M SORRY, OFFICER, BUT I WAS HUNGRY, AND I HAPPENED TO SEE

I'M SORRY, OFFICER, BUT I WAS HUNGRY, AND I HAPPENED TO SEE THAT ITALIAN RESTAURANT HERE IN

HUNGRY, AND I HAPPENED TO SEE THAT ITALIAN RESTAURANT HERE IN BUTTE, MONTANA, AND DIDN'T THINK

THAT ITALIAN RESTAURANT HERE IN BUTTE, MONTANA, AND DIDN'T THINK BEFORE TURNING.

BUTTE, MONTANA, AND DIDN'T THINK BEFORE TURNING. WELL, I WON'T GIVE YOU A

BEFORE TURNING. WELL, I WON'T GIVE YOU A TICKET THIS TIME, BUT CONSIDER

WELL, I WON'T GIVE YOU A TICKET THIS TIME, BUT CONSIDER THIS A WARNING.

TICKET THIS TIME, BUT CONSIDER THIS A WARNING. WE HAVE STRICT TRAFFIC

THIS A WARNING. WE HAVE STRICT TRAFFIC REGULATIONS HERE IN BUTTE,

WE HAVE STRICT TRAFFIC REGULATIONS HERE IN BUTTE, MONTANA, AND WE TRY TO ENFORCE

REGULATIONS HERE IN BUTTE, MONTANA, AND WE TRY TO ENFORCE THEM.

MONTANA, AND WE TRY TO ENFORCE THEM. WHOA.

THEM. WHOA. CAN I SUGGEST ANOTHER PLACE?

WHOA. CAN I SUGGEST ANOTHER PLACE? SURE, OF COURSE.

CAN I SUGGEST ANOTHER PLACE? SURE, OF COURSE. OUTSIDE.

SURE, OF COURSE. OUTSIDE. YOU WERE VERY GOOD.

OUTSIDE. YOU WERE VERY GOOD. PLEASE, PLEASE.

YOU WERE VERY GOOD. PLEASE, PLEASE. NEXT!

PLEASE, PLEASE. NEXT! I KNEW WE WERE TOO DAMN HIP

NEXT! I KNEW WE WERE TOO DAMN HIP FOR THIS CLUB.

I KNEW WE WERE TOO DAMN HIP FOR THIS CLUB. YOU'RE NOT TOO HIP, SIR.

FOR THIS CLUB. YOU'RE NOT TOO HIP, SIR. I'LL SEE YOU BACK AT THE

YOU'RE NOT TOO HIP, SIR. I'LL SEE YOU BACK AT THE LOFT.

I'LL SEE YOU BACK AT THE LOFT. I'M GOING HOME.

LOFT. I'M GOING HOME. YOU WERE VERY GOOD.

I'M GOING HOME. YOU WERE VERY GOOD. BRANCH AND NORRIS... VERY GOOD.

YOU WERE VERY GOOD. BRANCH AND NORRIS... VERY GOOD. SEND THE NEXT ONE IN, PLEASE.

BRANCH AND NORRIS... VERY GOOD. SEND THE NEXT ONE IN, PLEASE. MITZI FRIEDMAN.

SEND THE NEXT ONE IN, PLEASE. MITZI FRIEDMAN. MITZI FRIEDMAN?

MITZI FRIEDMAN. MITZI FRIEDMAN? HI, MITZI.

MITZI FRIEDMAN? HI, MITZI. ARE YOU SCARED?

HI, MITZI. ARE YOU SCARED? A LITTLE NERVOUS?

ARE YOU SCARED? A LITTLE NERVOUS? MAYBE, YEAH.

A LITTLE NERVOUS? MAYBE, YEAH. I THINK I AM.

MAYBE, YEAH. I THINK I AM. YOU ARE?

I THINK I AM. YOU ARE? WOULD YOU GET UP THERE ON THE

YOU ARE? WOULD YOU GET UP THERE ON THE STAGE?

WOULD YOU GET UP THERE ON THE STAGE? SURE.

STAGE? SURE. LET ME FIX THE MICROPHONE FOR

SURE. LET ME FIX THE MICROPHONE FOR YOU.

LET ME FIX THE MICROPHONE FOR YOU. OH, WOULD YOU, PLEASE?

YOU. OH, WOULD YOU, PLEASE? I'LL BE VERY, VERY HAPPY TO,

OH, WOULD YOU, PLEASE? I'LL BE VERY, VERY HAPPY TO, DEAR.

I'LL BE VERY, VERY HAPPY TO, DEAR. THERE YOU ARE.

DEAR. THERE YOU ARE. RIGHT IN FRONT OF MY MOUTH.

THERE YOU ARE. RIGHT IN FRONT OF MY MOUTH. NO, NOT RIGHT IN FRONT OF

RIGHT IN FRONT OF MY MOUTH. NO, NOT RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOUR MOUTH.

NO, NOT RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOUR MOUTH. FIX IT LIKE THAT.

YOUR MOUTH. FIX IT LIKE THAT. OH.

FIX IT LIKE THAT. OH. IS THAT RIGHT?

OH. IS THAT RIGHT? IT'S RIGHT.

IS THAT RIGHT? IT'S RIGHT. OKAY.

IT'S RIGHT. OKAY. HI.

OKAY. HI. I USED TO BE A CHILD OF THE

HI. I USED TO BE A CHILD OF THE '60s, AND NOW I'M A HOUSEWIFE

I USED TO BE A CHILD OF THE '60s, AND NOW I'M A HOUSEWIFE WITH TWO BEAUTIFUL CHILDREN.

'60s, AND NOW I'M A HOUSEWIFE WITH TWO BEAUTIFUL CHILDREN. AND I WROTE A BALLAD ABOUT THIS

WITH TWO BEAUTIFUL CHILDREN. AND I WROTE A BALLAD ABOUT THIS EXPERIENCE.

AND I WROTE A BALLAD ABOUT THIS EXPERIENCE. ♪ I USED TO SELL FLOWERS

EXPERIENCE. ♪ I USED TO SELL FLOWERS TO MAKE SPARE CHANGE ♪

♪ I USED TO SELL FLOWERS TO MAKE SPARE CHANGE ♪ ♪ NOW I STAY HOME

TO MAKE SPARE CHANGE ♪ ♪ NOW I STAY HOME AND CHANGE THE KIDS' DIAPERS ♪

♪ NOW I STAY HOME AND CHANGE THE KIDS' DIAPERS ♪ ♪ IT'S FUNNY... ISN'T IT? ♪

AND CHANGE THE KIDS' DIAPERS ♪ ♪ IT'S FUNNY... ISN'T IT? ♪ ♪ I USED TO HANG AROUND THE PAD

♪ IT'S FUNNY... ISN'T IT? ♪ ♪ I USED TO HANG AROUND THE PAD AND SMOKE A LOT OF GRASS ♪

♪ I USED TO HANG AROUND THE PAD AND SMOKE A LOT OF GRASS ♪ ♪ AND NOW I HANG THE WASH

AND SMOKE A LOT OF GRASS ♪ ♪ AND NOW I HANG THE WASH AROUND THE HOUSE

♪ AND NOW I HANG THE WASH AROUND THE HOUSE AND MY HUSBAND MOWS THE GRASS ♪

AROUND THE HOUSE AND MY HUSBAND MOWS THE GRASS ♪ ♪ IT'S FUNNY... ISN'T IT? ♪

AND MY HUSBAND MOWS THE GRASS ♪ ♪ IT'S FUNNY... ISN'T IT? ♪ ♪ I USED TO SMOKE A LOT OF POT

♪ IT'S FUNNY... ISN'T IT? ♪ ♪ I USED TO SMOKE A LOT OF POT AND POP A LOT OF PILLS ♪

♪ I USED TO SMOKE A LOT OF POT AND POP A LOT OF PILLS ♪ ♪ NOW I WASH THE POTS AND PANS,

AND POP A LOT OF PILLS ♪ ♪ NOW I WASH THE POTS AND PANS, AND THE PILLS

♪ NOW I WASH THE POTS AND PANS, AND THE PILLS HAVE A CHILDPROOF TOP ♪

AND THE PILLS HAVE A CHILDPROOF TOP ♪ ♪ IT'S SO FUNNY...

HAVE A CHILDPROOF TOP ♪ ♪ IT'S SO FUNNY... I COULD DIE ♪

♪ IT'S SO FUNNY... I COULD DIE ♪ VERY GOOD, VERY GOOD.

I COULD DIE ♪ VERY GOOD, VERY GOOD. VERY GOOD.

VERY GOOD, VERY GOOD. VERY GOOD. VERY GOOD.

VERY GOOD. VERY GOOD. THANK YOU.

VERY GOOD. THANK YOU. MAY I SAY SOMETHING, MY DEAR?

THANK YOU. MAY I SAY SOMETHING, MY DEAR? YOU'RE VERY HIP, DEEP.

MAY I SAY SOMETHING, MY DEAR? YOU'RE VERY HIP, DEEP. VERY DEEP, ALSO.

YOU'RE VERY HIP, DEEP. VERY DEEP, ALSO. THANK YOU.

VERY DEEP, ALSO. THANK YOU. THANK YOU VERY MUCH, AND YOU

THANK YOU. THANK YOU VERY MUCH, AND YOU WAIT OUTSIDE, PLEASE?

THANK YOU VERY MUCH, AND YOU WAIT OUTSIDE, PLEASE? OKAY.

WAIT OUTSIDE, PLEASE? OKAY. WANDA, SHOW IN THE NEXT ONE,

OKAY. WANDA, SHOW IN THE NEXT ONE, PLEASE.

WANDA, SHOW IN THE NEXT ONE, PLEASE. OH, BOY.

PLEASE. OH, BOY. OOH, OOH.

OH, BOY. OOH, OOH. DOUGLAS BREWSTER.

OOH, OOH. DOUGLAS BREWSTER. DOUGLAS?

DOUGLAS BREWSTER. DOUGLAS? JUST ON MY WAY HOME.

DOUGLAS? JUST ON MY WAY HOME. MR. BREWSTER?

JUST ON MY WAY HOME. MR. BREWSTER? HI.

MR. BREWSTER? HI. HI.

HI. HI. STEP RIGHT UP ON THE STAGE.

HI. STEP RIGHT UP ON THE STAGE. YOU CAN TAKE THAT CHAIR.

STEP RIGHT UP ON THE STAGE. YOU CAN TAKE THAT CHAIR. I'LL TAKE IT AWAY FOR YOU,

YOU CAN TAKE THAT CHAIR. I'LL TAKE IT AWAY FOR YOU, MR. BREWSTER.

I'LL TAKE IT AWAY FOR YOU, MR. BREWSTER. I HAVE SOME GROCERIES HERE.

MR. BREWSTER. I HAVE SOME GROCERIES HERE. YOU HAVE GROCERIES?

I HAVE SOME GROCERIES HERE. YOU HAVE GROCERIES? YEAH.

YOU HAVE GROCERIES? YEAH. YEAH.

YEAH. YEAH. WELL, DOESN'T MAKE ANY

YEAH. WELL, DOESN'T MAKE ANY DIFFERENCE WHAT BUSINESS YOU'RE

WELL, DOESN'T MAKE ANY DIFFERENCE WHAT BUSINESS YOU'RE IN.

DIFFERENCE WHAT BUSINESS YOU'RE IN. YEAH.

IN. YEAH. GET RIGHT, YOU KNOW... SELL

YEAH. GET RIGHT, YOU KNOW... SELL IT.

GET RIGHT, YOU KNOW... SELL IT. RIGHT HERE.

IT. RIGHT HERE. MICROPHONE, YEAH.

RIGHT HERE. MICROPHONE, YEAH. LET ME JUST PUT THIS HERE.

MICROPHONE, YEAH. LET ME JUST PUT THIS HERE. NO, NO.

LET ME JUST PUT THIS HERE. NO, NO. THAT CHAIR IS RESERVED FOR THE

NO, NO. THAT CHAIR IS RESERVED FOR THE SHOW.

THAT CHAIR IS RESERVED FOR THE SHOW. OKAY.

SHOW. OKAY. ALL RIGHT, I'LL...

OKAY. ALL RIGHT, I'LL... MY NAME IS DOUGLAS BREWSTER.

ALL RIGHT, I'LL... MY NAME IS DOUGLAS BREWSTER. I'M PART OWNER OF

MY NAME IS DOUGLAS BREWSTER. I'M PART OWNER OF BREWSTER BROTHERS HARDWARE OVER

I'M PART OWNER OF BREWSTER BROTHERS HARDWARE OVER ON McKINLEY.

BREWSTER BROTHERS HARDWARE OVER ON McKINLEY. UH... IT'S THE FIRST TIME I'VE

ON McKINLEY. UH... IT'S THE FIRST TIME I'VE EVER DONE ANYTHING LIKE THIS.

UH... IT'S THE FIRST TIME I'VE EVER DONE ANYTHING LIKE THIS. SEE, PEOPLE SAY I'M FUNNY, AND

EVER DONE ANYTHING LIKE THIS. SEE, PEOPLE SAY I'M FUNNY, AND THEY SAY I SHOULD BE A COMEDIAN.

SEE, PEOPLE SAY I'M FUNNY, AND THEY SAY I SHOULD BE A COMEDIAN. I GUESS ONE GUY COMES INTO OUR

THEY SAY I SHOULD BE A COMEDIAN. I GUESS ONE GUY COMES INTO OUR STORE AND ASKS FOR A NUMBER-2

I GUESS ONE GUY COMES INTO OUR STORE AND ASKS FOR A NUMBER-2 REDWOOD STAIN BECAUSE HE WANTS

STORE AND ASKS FOR A NUMBER-2 REDWOOD STAIN BECAUSE HE WANTS TO VARNISH HIS KID'S DESK.

REDWOOD STAIN BECAUSE HE WANTS TO VARNISH HIS KID'S DESK. WELL, I SAID, "ALL RIGHT, I'LL

TO VARNISH HIS KID'S DESK. WELL, I SAID, "ALL RIGHT, I'LL GIVE YOU NUMBER-2 STAIN, BUT YOU

WELL, I SAID, "ALL RIGHT, I'LL GIVE YOU NUMBER-2 STAIN, BUT YOU BETTER BE PREPARED TO EAT OFF

GIVE YOU NUMBER-2 STAIN, BUT YOU BETTER BE PREPARED TO EAT OFF IT."

BETTER BE PREPARED TO EAT OFF IT." [CHUCKLES]

IT." [CHUCKLES] SEE, A NUMBER-2 STAIN IS WHAT

[CHUCKLES] SEE, A NUMBER-2 STAIN IS WHAT YOU USE FOR A KITCHEN TABLE, YOU

SEE, A NUMBER-2 STAIN IS WHAT YOU USE FOR A KITCHEN TABLE, YOU KNOW?

YOU USE FOR A KITCHEN TABLE, YOU KNOW? IT'S A CLASSIC HARDWARE STORY.

KNOW? IT'S A CLASSIC HARDWARE STORY. MAYBE I SHOULD PUT THIS DOWN.

IT'S A CLASSIC HARDWARE STORY. MAYBE I SHOULD PUT THIS DOWN. TRY WITH THAT.

MAYBE I SHOULD PUT THIS DOWN. TRY WITH THAT. ALL RIGHT.

TRY WITH THAT. ALL RIGHT. I WAS ALSO FUNNY ONCE WHEN I WAS

ALL RIGHT. I WAS ALSO FUNNY ONCE WHEN I WAS 16.

I WAS ALSO FUNNY ONCE WHEN I WAS 16. I WAS ON VACATION IN THIS

16. I WAS ON VACATION IN THIS COTTAGE IN WISCONSIN, WHERE MY

I WAS ON VACATION IN THIS COTTAGE IN WISCONSIN, WHERE MY MOM...

COTTAGE IN WISCONSIN, WHERE MY MOM... THANK YOU VERY MUCH,

MOM... THANK YOU VERY MUCH, MR. BREWSTER.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH, MR. BREWSTER. OH, OKAY.

MR. BREWSTER. OH, OKAY. I DRANK SOME BEER.

OH, OKAY. I DRANK SOME BEER. I WAS IN THE SNOW, AND IT STUCK

I DRANK SOME BEER. I WAS IN THE SNOW, AND IT STUCK TO MY LIPS, AND IT PULLED MY LIP

I WAS IN THE SNOW, AND IT STUCK TO MY LIPS, AND IT PULLED MY LIP RIGHT OFF.

TO MY LIPS, AND IT PULLED MY LIP RIGHT OFF. I COULDN'T BELIEVE IT.

RIGHT OFF. I COULDN'T BELIEVE IT. YOU WERE VERY GOOD.

I COULDN'T BELIEVE IT. YOU WERE VERY GOOD. WAIT OUTSIDE.

YOU WERE VERY GOOD. WAIT OUTSIDE. OKAY!

WAIT OUTSIDE. OKAY! THANK YOU VERY MUCH,

OKAY! THANK YOU VERY MUCH, MR. BREWSTER.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH, MR. BREWSTER. THANK YOU.

MR. BREWSTER. THANK YOU. ANY MORE?

THANK YOU. ANY MORE? THAT'S IT.

ANY MORE? THAT'S IT. WELL, GET THEM ALL IN HERE,

THAT'S IT. WELL, GET THEM ALL IN HERE, PLEASE.

WELL, GET THEM ALL IN HERE, PLEASE. COME ON IN, EVERYBODY.

PLEASE. COME ON IN, EVERYBODY. HE WANTS TO TALK TO YOU.

COME ON IN, EVERYBODY. HE WANTS TO TALK TO YOU. IN HERE?

HE WANTS TO TALK TO YOU. IN HERE? JUST STEP AROUND, YOUNG

IN HERE? JUST STEP AROUND, YOUNG TALENT.

JUST STEP AROUND, YOUNG TALENT. YOUNG TALENT, STEP RIGHT OVER

TALENT. YOUNG TALENT, STEP RIGHT OVER HERE.

YOUNG TALENT, STEP RIGHT OVER HERE. I JUST WANT TO SAY THAT I HAVE

HERE. I JUST WANT TO SAY THAT I HAVE NEVER SEEN A GROUP WITH MORE

I JUST WANT TO SAY THAT I HAVE NEVER SEEN A GROUP WITH MORE POTENTIAL BEFORE.

NEVER SEEN A GROUP WITH MORE POTENTIAL BEFORE. RIGHT, WANDA?

POTENTIAL BEFORE. RIGHT, WANDA? RIGHT, BUDDY.

RIGHT, WANDA? RIGHT, BUDDY. YOU SURE HAVE AN EYE FOR TALENT.

RIGHT, BUDDY. YOU SURE HAVE AN EYE FOR TALENT. BUT ALL YOU NEED... ALL YOU

YOU SURE HAVE AN EYE FOR TALENT. BUT ALL YOU NEED... ALL YOU NEED IS DIRECTION, AND YOU NEED

BUT ALL YOU NEED... ALL YOU NEED IS DIRECTION, AND YOU NEED SCHOOLING.

NEED IS DIRECTION, AND YOU NEED SCHOOLING. AND NOW LET ME SAY SOMETHING TO

SCHOOLING. AND NOW LET ME SAY SOMETHING TO YOU.

AND NOW LET ME SAY SOMETHING TO YOU. I HAVE A WORKSHOP, A COMEDY

YOU. I HAVE A WORKSHOP, A COMEDY WORKSHOP, THAT I RUN EVERY

I HAVE A WORKSHOP, A COMEDY WORKSHOP, THAT I RUN EVERY TUESDAY, MY WORKSHOP.

WORKSHOP, THAT I RUN EVERY TUESDAY, MY WORKSHOP. TEACHES YOU DIALECTS, TIMING,

TUESDAY, MY WORKSHOP. TEACHES YOU DIALECTS, TIMING, WARDROBE, HOW TO MAKE TRAVEL

TEACHES YOU DIALECTS, TIMING, WARDROBE, HOW TO MAKE TRAVEL ARRANGEMENTS.

WARDROBE, HOW TO MAKE TRAVEL ARRANGEMENTS. AND IT'S ONLY $140 A SESSION.

ARRANGEMENTS. AND IT'S ONLY $140 A SESSION. BUT UNFORTUNATELY I ONLY HAVE

AND IT'S ONLY $140 A SESSION. BUT UNFORTUNATELY I ONLY HAVE ROOM FOR OH...

BUT UNFORTUNATELY I ONLY HAVE ROOM FOR OH... FOR, UH...

ROOM FOR OH... FOR, UH... FIVE.

FOR, UH... FIVE. FIVE.

FIVE. FIVE. FIVE, RIGHT.

FIVE. FIVE, RIGHT. SO CONGRATULATIONS TO ALL OF

FIVE, RIGHT. SO CONGRATULATIONS TO ALL OF YOU.

SO CONGRATULATIONS TO ALL OF YOU. ALWAYS KEEP THEM LAUGHING, AND

YOU. ALWAYS KEEP THEM LAUGHING, AND I'LL SEE YOU NEXT TUESDAY.

ALWAYS KEEP THEM LAUGHING, AND I'LL SEE YOU NEXT TUESDAY. OH!

I'LL SEE YOU NEXT TUESDAY. OH! IF YOU HAVE THE CASH.

OH! IF YOU HAVE THE CASH. THANK YOU.

IF YOU HAVE THE CASH. THANK YOU. THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

THANK YOU. THANK YOU VERY MUCH. VERY GOOD, VERY GOOD.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH. VERY GOOD, VERY GOOD. COME ON, WANDA.

VERY GOOD, VERY GOOD. COME ON, WANDA. LET'S LOCK UP.

COME ON, WANDA. LET'S LOCK UP. LET'S LOCK UP.

LET'S LOCK UP. LET'S LOCK UP. JUST CLOSE THE DOOR.

LET'S LOCK UP. JUST CLOSE THE DOOR. TAKE THAT BAG.

GOOD EVENING. I'M JOAN FACE AND WELCOME TO "ON THE SPOT."

I'M JOAN FACE AND WELCOME TO "ON THE SPOT." WELL, IT'S SPRING, AND ACROSS

"ON THE SPOT." WELL, IT'S SPRING, AND ACROSS THE COUNTRY OUTDOOR AMUSEMENT

WELL, IT'S SPRING, AND ACROSS THE COUNTRY OUTDOOR AMUSEMENT PARKS WILL BE OPENING AGAIN AND

THE COUNTRY OUTDOOR AMUSEMENT PARKS WILL BE OPENING AGAIN AND KIDS WILL BE FLOCKING TO THEM,

PARKS WILL BE OPENING AGAIN AND KIDS WILL BE FLOCKING TO THEM, ANXIOUS TO SPEND THEIR NICKELS

KIDS WILL BE FLOCKING TO THEM, ANXIOUS TO SPEND THEIR NICKELS AND DIMES FOR AN AFTERNOON OF

ANXIOUS TO SPEND THEIR NICKELS AND DIMES FOR AN AFTERNOON OF THRILLS.

AND DIMES FOR AN AFTERNOON OF THRILLS. SOUNDS INNOCENT ENOUGH.

THRILLS. SOUNDS INNOCENT ENOUGH. BUT WHAT WORRIES US IS THE

SOUNDS INNOCENT ENOUGH. BUT WHAT WORRIES US IS THE NUMBER OF INJURIES AND EVEN

BUT WHAT WORRIES US IS THE NUMBER OF INJURIES AND EVEN FATALITIES THAT WILL TAKE PLACE

NUMBER OF INJURIES AND EVEN FATALITIES THAT WILL TAKE PLACE AT AMUSEMENT PARKS BECAUSE OF

FATALITIES THAT WILL TAKE PLACE AT AMUSEMENT PARKS BECAUSE OF SHODDY CONSTRUCTION, POORLY

AT AMUSEMENT PARKS BECAUSE OF SHODDY CONSTRUCTION, POORLY SUPERVISED FACILITIES, AND

SHODDY CONSTRUCTION, POORLY SUPERVISED FACILITIES, AND CORRUPT SAFETY INSPECTORS.

SUPERVISED FACILITIES, AND CORRUPT SAFETY INSPECTORS. WITH US TONIGHT IS A MAN WHO IS

CORRUPT SAFETY INSPECTORS. WITH US TONIGHT IS A MAN WHO IS NO STRANGER TO THE "ON THE SPOT"

WITH US TONIGHT IS A MAN WHO IS NO STRANGER TO THE "ON THE SPOT" HOT SEAT.

NO STRANGER TO THE "ON THE SPOT" HOT SEAT. HE IS THE OWNER, OPERATOR, AND

HOT SEAT. HE IS THE OWNER, OPERATOR, AND SOLE STOCKHOLDER OF ONE OF THE

HE IS THE OWNER, OPERATOR, AND SOLE STOCKHOLDER OF ONE OF THE NEWEST OF THESE PARKS,

SOLE STOCKHOLDER OF ONE OF THE NEWEST OF THESE PARKS, IRWIN MAINWAY'S KIDDIE FUN WORLD

NEWEST OF THESE PARKS, IRWIN MAINWAY'S KIDDIE FUN WORLD OF RAHWAY, NEW JERSEY,

IRWIN MAINWAY'S KIDDIE FUN WORLD OF RAHWAY, NEW JERSEY, MR. IRWIN MAINWAY.

OF RAHWAY, NEW JERSEY, MR. IRWIN MAINWAY. THANK YOU, MISS FACE.

MR. IRWIN MAINWAY. THANK YOU, MISS FACE. MR. MAINWAY, OUR

THANK YOU, MISS FACE. MR. MAINWAY, OUR INVESTIGATIVE TEAM HAS VISITED

MR. MAINWAY, OUR INVESTIGATIVE TEAM HAS VISITED YOUR PARK AND BROUGHT BACK A

INVESTIGATIVE TEAM HAS VISITED YOUR PARK AND BROUGHT BACK A DEEPLY DISTURBING REPORT.

YOUR PARK AND BROUGHT BACK A DEEPLY DISTURBING REPORT. IN SHORT, THEY SAY, AND I QUOTE,

DEEPLY DISTURBING REPORT. IN SHORT, THEY SAY, AND I QUOTE, "NEVER IN THE HISTORY OF THE

IN SHORT, THEY SAY, AND I QUOTE, "NEVER IN THE HISTORY OF THE LEISURE INDUSTRY HAS THERE BEEN

"NEVER IN THE HISTORY OF THE LEISURE INDUSTRY HAS THERE BEEN SUCH A THREAT TO THE HEALTH AND

LEISURE INDUSTRY HAS THERE BEEN SUCH A THREAT TO THE HEALTH AND WELFARE OF OUR CHILDREN AS

SUCH A THREAT TO THE HEALTH AND WELFARE OF OUR CHILDREN AS IRWIN MAINWAY'S KIDDIE

WELFARE OF OUR CHILDREN AS IRWIN MAINWAY'S KIDDIE FUN WORLD."

IRWIN MAINWAY'S KIDDIE FUN WORLD." AW, NOW, MISS FACE, IS THIS

FUN WORLD." AW, NOW, MISS FACE, IS THIS JUST GONNA BE ANOTHER ONE OF

AW, NOW, MISS FACE, IS THIS JUST GONNA BE ANOTHER ONE OF YOUR PERSONAL ATTACKS?

JUST GONNA BE ANOTHER ONE OF YOUR PERSONAL ATTACKS? MR. MAINWAY, ISN'T IT TRUE

YOUR PERSONAL ATTACKS? MR. MAINWAY, ISN'T IT TRUE THAT AT KIDDIE FUN WORLD, YOU

MR. MAINWAY, ISN'T IT TRUE THAT AT KIDDIE FUN WORLD, YOU HAVE A RIDE KNOWN AS THUNDER

THAT AT KIDDIE FUN WORLD, YOU HAVE A RIDE KNOWN AS THUNDER PLUNGE?

HAVE A RIDE KNOWN AS THUNDER PLUNGE? THUNDER PLUNGE IS VERY, VERY

PLUNGE? THUNDER PLUNGE IS VERY, VERY POPULAR WITH THE KIDS.

THUNDER PLUNGE IS VERY, VERY POPULAR WITH THE KIDS. ISN'T IT TRUE THAT IN THIS

POPULAR WITH THE KIDS. ISN'T IT TRUE THAT IN THIS RIDE, YOU PUT SMALL CHILDREN

ISN'T IT TRUE THAT IN THIS RIDE, YOU PUT SMALL CHILDREN INTO GROCERY SHOPPING CARTS AND

RIDE, YOU PUT SMALL CHILDREN INTO GROCERY SHOPPING CARTS AND SEND THEM CAREENING DOWN A STEEP

INTO GROCERY SHOPPING CARTS AND SEND THEM CAREENING DOWN A STEEP INCLINE INTO A GRAVEL PIT?

SEND THEM CAREENING DOWN A STEEP INCLINE INTO A GRAVEL PIT? I'D LIKE TO POINT OUT THAT

INCLINE INTO A GRAVEL PIT? I'D LIKE TO POINT OUT THAT EACH CART IS EQUIPPED WITH A

I'D LIKE TO POINT OUT THAT EACH CART IS EQUIPPED WITH A LITTLE FOAM CUSHION, TO CUSHION

EACH CART IS EQUIPPED WITH A LITTLE FOAM CUSHION, TO CUSHION THE KID.

LITTLE FOAM CUSHION, TO CUSHION THE KID. I'LL TELL YOU WHAT ELSE THE

THE KID. I'LL TELL YOU WHAT ELSE THE CART IS EQUIPPED WITH,

I'LL TELL YOU WHAT ELSE THE CART IS EQUIPPED WITH, MR. MAINWAY... A LITTLE SIGN

CART IS EQUIPPED WITH, MR. MAINWAY... A LITTLE SIGN THAT READS "PROPERTY OF A&P

MR. MAINWAY... A LITTLE SIGN THAT READS "PROPERTY OF A&P FOOD STORES.

THAT READS "PROPERTY OF A&P FOOD STORES. DO NOT REMOVE FROM PARKING LOT."

FOOD STORES. DO NOT REMOVE FROM PARKING LOT." MISS FACE, A&P IS OUT OF

DO NOT REMOVE FROM PARKING LOT." MISS FACE, A&P IS OUT OF BUSINESS.

MISS FACE, A&P IS OUT OF BUSINESS. I ACQUIRED THE CARTS...

BUSINESS. I ACQUIRED THE CARTS... MR. MAINWAY, A&P IS NOT OUT

I ACQUIRED THE CARTS... MR. MAINWAY, A&P IS NOT OUT OF BUSINESS.

MR. MAINWAY, A&P IS NOT OUT OF BUSINESS. IT IS A NATIONAL CHAIN WITH OVER

OF BUSINESS. IT IS A NATIONAL CHAIN WITH OVER 30,000 STORES.

IT IS A NATIONAL CHAIN WITH OVER 30,000 STORES. WELL, THE ONE IN RAHWAY'S OUT

30,000 STORES. WELL, THE ONE IN RAHWAY'S OUT OF BUSINESS.

WELL, THE ONE IN RAHWAY'S OUT OF BUSINESS. THAT'S EASY TO CHECK,

OF BUSINESS. THAT'S EASY TO CHECK, MR. MAINWAY.

THAT'S EASY TO CHECK, MR. MAINWAY. NOW WHAT ABOUT THIS CRACK THE

MR. MAINWAY. NOW WHAT ABOUT THIS CRACK THE WHIP?

NOW WHAT ABOUT THIS CRACK THE WHIP? AS I UNDERSTAND IT, IN THIS

WHIP? AS I UNDERSTAND IT, IN THIS RIDE, YOU PUT SMALL CHILDREN

AS I UNDERSTAND IT, IN THIS RIDE, YOU PUT SMALL CHILDREN INTO A LARGE BURLAP BAG, TIE IT

RIDE, YOU PUT SMALL CHILDREN INTO A LARGE BURLAP BAG, TIE IT TO A DERRICK, AND SWING THIS BAG

INTO A LARGE BURLAP BAG, TIE IT TO A DERRICK, AND SWING THIS BAG OF CHILDREN ROUND AND ROUND IN

TO A DERRICK, AND SWING THIS BAG OF CHILDREN ROUND AND ROUND IN CIRCLES UNTIL THE ROPE FRAYS AND

OF CHILDREN ROUND AND ROUND IN CIRCLES UNTIL THE ROPE FRAYS AND THEY ARE HURLED INTO SPACE.

CIRCLES UNTIL THE ROPE FRAYS AND THEY ARE HURLED INTO SPACE. THEY LAND IN A LAKE.

THEY ARE HURLED INTO SPACE. THEY LAND IN A LAKE. A WRITHING BAG OF FRIGHTENED,

THEY LAND IN A LAKE. A WRITHING BAG OF FRIGHTENED, HELPLESS CHILDREN FLUNG INTO A

A WRITHING BAG OF FRIGHTENED, HELPLESS CHILDREN FLUNG INTO A LAKE?

HELPLESS CHILDREN FLUNG INTO A LAKE? IT'S A THRILL THEY'LL NEVER

LAKE? IT'S A THRILL THEY'LL NEVER FORGET.

IT'S A THRILL THEY'LL NEVER FORGET. I MEAN, YOU KNOW, COME ON.

FORGET. I MEAN, YOU KNOW, COME ON. JUST OUT OF CURIOSITY,

I MEAN, YOU KNOW, COME ON. JUST OUT OF CURIOSITY, MR. MAINWAY, HOW MANY LITTLE

JUST OUT OF CURIOSITY, MR. MAINWAY, HOW MANY LITTLE CHILDREN DO YOU STUFF INTO THAT

MR. MAINWAY, HOW MANY LITTLE CHILDREN DO YOU STUFF INTO THAT BAG?

CHILDREN DO YOU STUFF INTO THAT BAG? UH, IT VARIES.

BAG? UH, IT VARIES. A BAG CAN HOLD UP TO 250 POUNDS

UH, IT VARIES. A BAG CAN HOLD UP TO 250 POUNDS OF KIDS.

A BAG CAN HOLD UP TO 250 POUNDS OF KIDS. I SEE.

OF KIDS. I SEE. MR. MAINWAY, WHY DON'T YOU TELL

I SEE. MR. MAINWAY, WHY DON'T YOU TELL US ABOUT THE ICE PALACE?

MR. MAINWAY, WHY DON'T YOU TELL US ABOUT THE ICE PALACE? THE ICE PALACE...

US ABOUT THE ICE PALACE? THE ICE PALACE... IT'S A GLITTERING, GLISTENING

THE ICE PALACE... IT'S A GLITTERING, GLISTENING WINTER WONDERLAND OF ICE AND

IT'S A GLITTERING, GLISTENING WINTER WONDERLAND OF ICE AND SNOW.

WINTER WONDERLAND OF ICE AND SNOW. NO, IT'S NOT, MR. MAINWAY.

SNOW. NO, IT'S NOT, MR. MAINWAY. IT'S A COLLECTION OF ABANDONED

NO, IT'S NOT, MR. MAINWAY. IT'S A COLLECTION OF ABANDONED REFRIGERATORS.

IT'S A COLLECTION OF ABANDONED REFRIGERATORS. COME ON. COME ON.

REFRIGERATORS. COME ON. COME ON. YOU GOTTA USE, YOU KNOW, YOU

COME ON. COME ON. YOU GOTTA USE, YOU KNOW, YOU GOTTA USE A LITTLE BIT OF

YOU GOTTA USE, YOU KNOW, YOU GOTTA USE A LITTLE BIT OF IMAGINATION.

GOTTA USE A LITTLE BIT OF IMAGINATION. YOU DON'T HAVE MUCH IMAGINATION,

IMAGINATION. YOU DON'T HAVE MUCH IMAGINATION, MISS FACE.

YOU DON'T HAVE MUCH IMAGINATION, MISS FACE. OH, I HAVE PLENTY OF

MISS FACE. OH, I HAVE PLENTY OF IMAGINATION.

OH, I HAVE PLENTY OF IMAGINATION. RIGHT NOW I'M PICTURING LITTLE

IMAGINATION. RIGHT NOW I'M PICTURING LITTLE CHILDREN TRAPPED INSIDE

RIGHT NOW I'M PICTURING LITTLE CHILDREN TRAPPED INSIDE REFRIGERATORS, THEIR PITIFUL,

CHILDREN TRAPPED INSIDE REFRIGERATORS, THEIR PITIFUL, LITTLE WAILS MUFFLED BY THICK,

REFRIGERATORS, THEIR PITIFUL, LITTLE WAILS MUFFLED BY THICK, WHITE DOORS.

LITTLE WAILS MUFFLED BY THICK, WHITE DOORS. HEY, HEY, HEY, COME ON.

WHITE DOORS. HEY, HEY, HEY, COME ON. COME ON.

HEY, HEY, HEY, COME ON. COME ON. I'M GONNA HIRE A GUY TO CHECK ON

COME ON. I'M GONNA HIRE A GUY TO CHECK ON THEM FIRST THING IN THE MORNING.

I'M GONNA HIRE A GUY TO CHECK ON THEM FIRST THING IN THE MORNING. I'M GONNA HIRE A GUY TO DO

THEM FIRST THING IN THE MORNING. I'M GONNA HIRE A GUY TO DO THAT... GO 'ROUND AND CHECK ON

I'M GONNA HIRE A GUY TO DO THAT... GO 'ROUND AND CHECK ON 'EM, YOU KNOW?

THAT... GO 'ROUND AND CHECK ON 'EM, YOU KNOW? MR. MAINWAY, EXPLAIN, IF YOU

'EM, YOU KNOW? MR. MAINWAY, EXPLAIN, IF YOU WILL, THE TUNNEL OF NOXIOUS

MR. MAINWAY, EXPLAIN, IF YOU WILL, THE TUNNEL OF NOXIOUS GASES.

WILL, THE TUNNEL OF NOXIOUS GASES. HEY, OKAY, MISS FACE, THE

GASES. HEY, OKAY, MISS FACE, THE TUNNEL OF NOXIOUS GASES WAS A

HEY, OKAY, MISS FACE, THE TUNNEL OF NOXIOUS GASES WAS A MISTAKE.

TUNNEL OF NOXIOUS GASES WAS A MISTAKE. I'M NOT GONNA SIT HERE AND LIE

MISTAKE. I'M NOT GONNA SIT HERE AND LIE TO YOU.

I'M NOT GONNA SIT HERE AND LIE TO YOU. IT DIDN'T WORK OUT.

TO YOU. IT DIDN'T WORK OUT. WE DROPPED IT.

IT DIDN'T WORK OUT. WE DROPPED IT. HEY, I'M NOT GOD, YOU KNOW.

WE DROPPED IT. HEY, I'M NOT GOD, YOU KNOW. WHAT ABOUT THIS, MR. MAINWAY?

HEY, I'M NOT GOD, YOU KNOW. WHAT ABOUT THIS, MR. MAINWAY? THE WILD MOUSE.

WHAT ABOUT THIS, MR. MAINWAY? THE WILD MOUSE. IS THAT SOME KIND OF DEADLY

THE WILD MOUSE. IS THAT SOME KIND OF DEADLY ROLLER COASTER?

IS THAT SOME KIND OF DEADLY ROLLER COASTER? NO, MISS FACE, IT'S EXACTLY

ROLLER COASTER? NO, MISS FACE, IT'S EXACTLY WHAT IT SAYS... A WILD MOUSE.

NO, MISS FACE, IT'S EXACTLY WHAT IT SAYS... A WILD MOUSE. WE PUT A KID IN A PUP TENT WITH

WHAT IT SAYS... A WILD MOUSE. WE PUT A KID IN A PUP TENT WITH A WILD MOUSE.

WE PUT A KID IN A PUP TENT WITH A WILD MOUSE. WHAT THEY DO IN THERE IS THEIR

A WILD MOUSE. WHAT THEY DO IN THERE IS THEIR BUSINESS.

WHAT THEY DO IN THERE IS THEIR BUSINESS. AND WE ARE VERY SCRUPULOUS ABOUT

BUSINESS. AND WE ARE VERY SCRUPULOUS ABOUT CHANGING MICE... A FRESH MOUSE

AND WE ARE VERY SCRUPULOUS ABOUT CHANGING MICE... A FRESH MOUSE EVERY FIVE KIDS.

CHANGING MICE... A FRESH MOUSE EVERY FIVE KIDS. MR. MAINWAY, WHAT MIGHT A

EVERY FIVE KIDS. MR. MAINWAY, WHAT MIGHT A SMALL CHILD FIND IN YOUR PIT OF

MR. MAINWAY, WHAT MIGHT A SMALL CHILD FIND IN YOUR PIT OF MANY WONDERS?

SMALL CHILD FIND IN YOUR PIT OF MANY WONDERS? WELL, FRANKLY, MISS FACE, I

MANY WONDERS? WELL, FRANKLY, MISS FACE, I HAVEN'T GOT THE FAINTEST IDEA.

WELL, FRANKLY, MISS FACE, I HAVEN'T GOT THE FAINTEST IDEA. I WAS GONNA GO DOWN THERE ONE

HAVEN'T GOT THE FAINTEST IDEA. I WAS GONNA GO DOWN THERE ONE DAY TO CHECK IT OUT, BUT I WAS

I WAS GONNA GO DOWN THERE ONE DAY TO CHECK IT OUT, BUT I WAS WEARING MY WHITE SHOES.

DAY TO CHECK IT OUT, BUT I WAS WEARING MY WHITE SHOES. MR. MAINWAY, I'M GOING TO

WEARING MY WHITE SHOES. MR. MAINWAY, I'M GOING TO TELL YOU EXACTLY WHAT I THINK OF

MR. MAINWAY, I'M GOING TO TELL YOU EXACTLY WHAT I THINK OF YOU, YOU PIECE OF HUMAN GARBAGE.

TELL YOU EXACTLY WHAT I THINK OF YOU, YOU PIECE OF HUMAN GARBAGE. YOU ARE THE LOWEST SLIME THAT

YOU, YOU PIECE OF HUMAN GARBAGE. YOU ARE THE LOWEST SLIME THAT EVER BREATHED.

YOU ARE THE LOWEST SLIME THAT EVER BREATHED. WHEN I THINK THAT EVEN THE

EVER BREATHED. WHEN I THINK THAT EVEN THE PINKIE RINGS ON YOUR PUDGY,

WHEN I THINK THAT EVEN THE PINKIE RINGS ON YOUR PUDGY, GREASY, LITTLE FINGERS WERE PAID

PINKIE RINGS ON YOUR PUDGY, GREASY, LITTLE FINGERS WERE PAID FOR BY THE TORMENT OF INNOCENT

GREASY, LITTLE FINGERS WERE PAID FOR BY THE TORMENT OF INNOCENT CHILDREN, I RETCH.

FOR BY THE TORMENT OF INNOCENT CHILDREN, I RETCH. YOU ARE THE VERY EMBODIMENT OF

CHILDREN, I RETCH. YOU ARE THE VERY EMBODIMENT OF EVIL.

YOU ARE THE VERY EMBODIMENT OF EVIL. OKAY, MAY I... MAY I JUST SAY

EVIL. OKAY, MAY I... MAY I JUST SAY SOMETHING HERE, MISS FACE?

OKAY, MAY I... MAY I JUST SAY SOMETHING HERE, MISS FACE? WHAT YOU JUST SAID MAKES YOU

SOMETHING HERE, MISS FACE? WHAT YOU JUST SAID MAKES YOU LOOK BAD, NOT ME.

WHAT YOU JUST SAID MAKES YOU LOOK BAD, NOT ME. I'M GONNA BE VERY INTERESTED TO

LOOK BAD, NOT ME. I'M GONNA BE VERY INTERESTED TO SEE THE MAIL ON THIS SHOW.

I'M GONNA BE VERY INTERESTED TO SEE THE MAIL ON THIS SHOW. MR. MAINWAY, AS GOD IS MY

SEE THE MAIL ON THIS SHOW. MR. MAINWAY, AS GOD IS MY WITNESS, FROM THIS DAY FORWARD,

MR. MAINWAY, AS GOD IS MY WITNESS, FROM THIS DAY FORWARD, I DEVOTE MY LIFE TO PUTTING YOU

WITNESS, FROM THIS DAY FORWARD, I DEVOTE MY LIFE TO PUTTING YOU BEHIND BARS.

I DEVOTE MY LIFE TO PUTTING YOU BEHIND BARS. YOU KNOW, MISS FACE, I FEEL

BEHIND BARS. YOU KNOW, MISS FACE, I FEEL VERY SORRY FOR YOU.

YOU KNOW, MISS FACE, I FEEL VERY SORRY FOR YOU. YOU CRITICIZE WHAT I DO FOR A

VERY SORRY FOR YOU. YOU CRITICIZE WHAT I DO FOR A LIVING.

YOU CRITICIZE WHAT I DO FOR A LIVING. WELL, LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT WHAT

LIVING. WELL, LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT WHAT YOU DO.

WELL, LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT WHAT YOU DO. WHAT'S SO SAFE ABOUT YOUR SHOW?

YOU DO. WHAT'S SO SAFE ABOUT YOUR SHOW? SAY THERE'S A LITTLE KID.

WHAT'S SO SAFE ABOUT YOUR SHOW? SAY THERE'S A LITTLE KID. HE'S RUNNING AROUND THE LIVING

SAY THERE'S A LITTLE KID. HE'S RUNNING AROUND THE LIVING ROOM.

HE'S RUNNING AROUND THE LIVING ROOM. YOUR SHOW'S ON TV.

ROOM. YOUR SHOW'S ON TV. HE RUNS RIGHT UP INTO THE TV

YOUR SHOW'S ON TV. HE RUNS RIGHT UP INTO THE TV SET.

HE RUNS RIGHT UP INTO THE TV SET. IT BLOWS UP.

SET. IT BLOWS UP. HE DIES!

IT BLOWS UP. HE DIES! OKAY, ANOTHER LITTLE KID.

HE DIES! OKAY, ANOTHER LITTLE KID. HE'S NOT HAPPY WITH THE

OKAY, ANOTHER LITTLE KID. HE'S NOT HAPPY WITH THE RECEPTION.

HE'S NOT HAPPY WITH THE RECEPTION. YOUR FACE IS BLURRY.

RECEPTION. YOUR FACE IS BLURRY. HE FIDDLES WITH THE AERIAL.

YOUR FACE IS BLURRY. HE FIDDLES WITH THE AERIAL. HE POKES HIS EYE OUT... BLIND!

HE FIDDLES WITH THE AERIAL. HE POKES HIS EYE OUT... BLIND! YOU GOT A LITTLE KID IN THE

HE POKES HIS EYE OUT... BLIND! YOU GOT A LITTLE KID IN THE BATHTUB.

YOU GOT A LITTLE KID IN THE BATHTUB. HE'S TAKING A BATH, WATCHING

BATHTUB. HE'S TAKING A BATH, WATCHING YOUR SHOW.

HE'S TAKING A BATH, WATCHING YOUR SHOW. TV FALLS IN THE BATHTUB,

YOUR SHOW. TV FALLS IN THE BATHTUB, ELECTROCUTES HIM.

TV FALLS IN THE BATHTUB, ELECTROCUTES HIM. FRIES!

ELECTROCUTES HIM. FRIES! AND THE LAST THING THAT KID SEES

FRIES! AND THE LAST THING THAT KID SEES ON EARTH IN THIS LIFE IS YOUR

AND THE LAST THING THAT KID SEES ON EARTH IN THIS LIFE IS YOUR FACE, MISS FACE, MAKING FUN OF

ON EARTH IN THIS LIFE IS YOUR FACE, MISS FACE, MAKING FUN OF WHAT SOMEBODY DOES FOR A LIVING.

FACE, MISS FACE, MAKING FUN OF WHAT SOMEBODY DOES FOR A LIVING. THINK ABOUT THAT, MISS FACE!

WHAT SOMEBODY DOES FOR A LIVING. THINK ABOUT THAT, MISS FACE! THAT'S ALL THE TIME WE HAVE

THINK ABOUT THAT, MISS FACE! THAT'S ALL THE TIME WE HAVE FOR "ON THE SPOT."

THAT'S ALL THE TIME WE HAVE FOR "ON THE SPOT." NO, NO, JUST A MINUTE.

FOR "ON THE SPOT." NO, NO, JUST A MINUTE. HOLD IT, HOLD IT, MISS FACE.

NO, NO, JUST A MINUTE. HOLD IT, HOLD IT, MISS FACE. I WANT TO ADD SOMETHING HERE.

HOLD IT, HOLD IT, MISS FACE. I WANT TO ADD SOMETHING HERE. THAT IT'S IRWIN MAINWAY'S KIDDIE

I WANT TO ADD SOMETHING HERE. THAT IT'S IRWIN MAINWAY'S KIDDIE FUN WORLD.

THAT IT'S IRWIN MAINWAY'S KIDDIE FUN WORLD. THAT'S ROUTE 17, PAST THE

FUN WORLD. THAT'S ROUTE 17, PAST THE WOODBRIDGE EXIT IN RAHWAY,

THAT'S ROUTE 17, PAST THE WOODBRIDGE EXIT IN RAHWAY, NEW JERSEY.

WOODBRIDGE EXIT IN RAHWAY, NEW JERSEY. AAAAHHHHH!

[DOOR OPENS] HELLO, MR. SCHNABEL.

HI, PA. IT'S YOUR DAUGHTER, BOBBI. LOOK.

IT'S YOUR DAUGHTER, BOBBI. LOOK. I MADE YOU SOME NICE

LOOK. I MADE YOU SOME NICE MUSHROOM-BARLEY SOUP.

I MADE YOU SOME NICE MUSHROOM-BARLEY SOUP. SO... ASK ME HOW I AM.

MUSHROOM-BARLEY SOUP. SO... ASK ME HOW I AM. HOW ARE YOU?

SO... ASK ME HOW I AM. HOW ARE YOU? DON'T ASK.

HOW ARE YOU? DON'T ASK. HA!

DON'T ASK. HA! OH, PA.

HA! OH, PA. ARE YOU EATING GOOD?

OH, PA. ARE YOU EATING GOOD? EHH.

ARE YOU EATING GOOD? EHH. YOU SLEEPING GOOD?

EHH. YOU SLEEPING GOOD? EH.

YOU SLEEPING GOOD? EH. PA?

EH. PA? YEAH?

PA? YEAH? DID YOU MAKE?

YEAH? DID YOU MAKE? I MADE YESTERDAY.

DID YOU MAKE? I MADE YESTERDAY. OH, GOOD.

I MADE YESTERDAY. OH, GOOD. GOOD.

OH, GOOD. GOOD. YOU KNOW, LARRY HASN'T BEEN SO

GOOD. YOU KNOW, LARRY HASN'T BEEN SO REGULAR, EITHER.

YOU KNOW, LARRY HASN'T BEEN SO REGULAR, EITHER. WHO?

REGULAR, EITHER. WHO? LARRY, MY HUSBAND.

WHO? LARRY, MY HUSBAND. TELL ME, HOW'S LARRY?

LARRY, MY HUSBAND. TELL ME, HOW'S LARRY? HOW IS HE?

TELL ME, HOW'S LARRY? HOW IS HE? IRREGULAR.

HOW IS HE? IRREGULAR. OH.

IRREGULAR. OH. HELLO, MR. SCHNABEL.

OH. HELLO, MR. SCHNABEL. HI, BOBBI.

HELLO, MR. SCHNABEL. HI, BOBBI. HI.

HI, BOBBI. HI. HI, PA.

HI. HI, PA. PA, IT'S ME, SYLVIA.

HI, PA. PA, IT'S ME, SYLVIA. PA, LOOK WHO'S HERE.

PA, IT'S ME, SYLVIA. PA, LOOK WHO'S HERE. IT'S SYLVIA.

PA, LOOK WHO'S HERE. IT'S SYLVIA. SYLVIA'S DEAD.

IT'S SYLVIA. SYLVIA'S DEAD. NO, NOT THAT SYLVIA.

SYLVIA'S DEAD. NO, NOT THAT SYLVIA. THE OTHER SYLVIA'S NAMED AFTER

NO, NOT THAT SYLVIA. THE OTHER SYLVIA'S NAMED AFTER HER.

THE OTHER SYLVIA'S NAMED AFTER HER. YOU KNOW, SYLVIA... YOUR

HER. YOU KNOW, SYLVIA... YOUR DAUGHTER, MY SISTER.

YOU KNOW, SYLVIA... YOUR DAUGHTER, MY SISTER. THE UNMARRIED ONE.

DAUGHTER, MY SISTER. THE UNMARRIED ONE. HOW IS SYLVIA?

THE UNMARRIED ONE. HOW IS SYLVIA? I'M FINE, PA.

HOW IS SYLVIA? I'M FINE, PA. I'M RIGHT HERE.

I'M FINE, PA. I'M RIGHT HERE. THIS IS SYLVIA.

I'M RIGHT HERE. THIS IS SYLVIA. SYLVIA NEVER VISITS.

THIS IS SYLVIA. SYLVIA NEVER VISITS. I'M VISITING NOW, PA.

SYLVIA NEVER VISITS. I'M VISITING NOW, PA. THIS IS A VISIT.

I'M VISITING NOW, PA. THIS IS A VISIT. AND I REMEMBER SYLVIA WHEN

THIS IS A VISIT. AND I REMEMBER SYLVIA WHEN SHE WAS THIS BIG.

AND I REMEMBER SYLVIA WHEN SHE WAS THIS BIG. SO HOW YOU DOING, PA?

SHE WAS THIS BIG. SO HOW YOU DOING, PA? DID YOU MAKE?

SO HOW YOU DOING, PA? DID YOU MAKE? HE MADE YESTERDAY.

DID YOU MAKE? HE MADE YESTERDAY. NOTHING TODAY.

HE MADE YESTERDAY. NOTHING TODAY. HERE WE ARE, MR. PASNER.

NOTHING TODAY. HERE WE ARE, MR. PASNER. HERE'S OUR DINNER.

HERE WE ARE, MR. PASNER. HERE'S OUR DINNER. OH!

HERE'S OUR DINNER. OH! OH, LOOK WHAT HE GOT!

OH! OH, LOOK WHAT HE GOT! OH, STRAINED PEAS AND TURKEY

OH, LOOK WHAT HE GOT! OH, STRAINED PEAS AND TURKEY SOUP.

OH, STRAINED PEAS AND TURKEY SOUP. OH.

SOUP. OH. GERBER'S... THAT'S NICE.

OH. GERBER'S... THAT'S NICE. HEH-HEH.

GERBER'S... THAT'S NICE. HEH-HEH. I CALL HER CRISCO 'CAUSE SHE'S

HEH-HEH. I CALL HER CRISCO 'CAUSE SHE'S FAT IN THE CAN.

I CALL HER CRISCO 'CAUSE SHE'S FAT IN THE CAN. THAT'LL BE ENOUGH OF THAT,

FAT IN THE CAN. THAT'LL BE ENOUGH OF THAT, MR. PASNER.

THAT'LL BE ENOUGH OF THAT, MR. PASNER. YOUR FATHER'S VERY POPULAR WITH

MR. PASNER. YOUR FATHER'S VERY POPULAR WITH AL THE WIDOWS AROUND HERE.

YOUR FATHER'S VERY POPULAR WITH AL THE WIDOWS AROUND HERE. YEAH, THEY CAN CHASE ME, BUT

AL THE WIDOWS AROUND HERE. YEAH, THEY CAN CHASE ME, BUT THEY CAN'T CATCH ME.

YEAH, THEY CAN CHASE ME, BUT THEY CAN'T CATCH ME. ALL RIGHT, MR. PASNER.

THEY CAN'T CATCH ME. ALL RIGHT, MR. PASNER. NOW EAT UP.

ALL RIGHT, MR. PASNER. NOW EAT UP. OH, IT'S ALL RIGHT.

NOW EAT UP. OH, IT'S ALL RIGHT. WE CAN FEED HIM.

OH, IT'S ALL RIGHT. WE CAN FEED HIM. HE'S OUR FATHER.

WE CAN FEED HIM. HE'S OUR FATHER. YEAH, WE'LL BE FINE.

HE'S OUR FATHER. YEAH, WE'LL BE FINE. WE CAN FEED OUR OWN FATHER.

YEAH, WE'LL BE FINE. WE CAN FEED OUR OWN FATHER. OKAY.

WE CAN FEED OUR OWN FATHER. OKAY. BUT I'LL BE DOWN THE HALL IF HE

OKAY. BUT I'LL BE DOWN THE HALL IF HE FEELS A B.M. COMING ON.

BUT I'LL BE DOWN THE HALL IF HE FEELS A B.M. COMING ON. ALL RIGHT.

FEELS A B.M. COMING ON. ALL RIGHT. HEY, THE SHIKSA STOLE MY

ALL RIGHT. HEY, THE SHIKSA STOLE MY SOUP.

HEY, THE SHIKSA STOLE MY SOUP. NO, SHE DIDN'T, PA.

SOUP. NO, SHE DIDN'T, PA. IT'S RIGHT HERE.

NO, SHE DIDN'T, PA. IT'S RIGHT HERE. OH.

IT'S RIGHT HERE. OH. HERE, PA. EAT.

OH. HERE, PA. EAT. ALL RIGHT.

HERE, PA. EAT. ALL RIGHT. BOBBI, LISTEN.

ALL RIGHT. BOBBI, LISTEN. I'VE BEEN DYING TO TALK TO YOU.

BOBBI, LISTEN. I'VE BEEN DYING TO TALK TO YOU. WELL, YOU'RE SO HARD TO GET A

I'VE BEEN DYING TO TALK TO YOU. WELL, YOU'RE SO HARD TO GET A HOLD OF.

WELL, YOU'RE SO HARD TO GET A HOLD OF. I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.

HOLD OF. I CAN'T BELIEVE IT. I MEAN, I WENT TO THE PRICEMAN

I CAN'T BELIEVE IT. I MEAN, I WENT TO THE PRICEMAN FUNCTION.

I MEAN, I WENT TO THE PRICEMAN FUNCTION. I WANTED YOU TO GO WITH ME.

FUNCTION. I WANTED YOU TO GO WITH ME. IT WAS LOVELY.

I WANTED YOU TO GO WITH ME. IT WAS LOVELY. OH, WHAT DID SHE SERVE?

IT WAS LOVELY. OH, WHAT DID SHE SERVE? OH, RUMAKI.

OH, WHAT DID SHE SERVE? OH, RUMAKI. THAT'S CHICKEN LIVERS, YOU KNOW?

OH, RUMAKI. THAT'S CHICKEN LIVERS, YOU KNOW? WITH THE WATER CHESTNUTS AND THE

THAT'S CHICKEN LIVERS, YOU KNOW? WITH THE WATER CHESTNUTS AND THE DOLE PINEAPPLE?

WITH THE WATER CHESTNUTS AND THE DOLE PINEAPPLE? AND THEN THEY DO THIS THING

DOLE PINEAPPLE? AND THEN THEY DO THIS THING WHERE THEY WRAP BACON AROUND IT,

AND THEN THEY DO THIS THING WHERE THEY WRAP BACON AROUND IT, AND THEY PUT A TOOTHPICK IN IT?

WHERE THEY WRAP BACON AROUND IT, AND THEY PUT A TOOTHPICK IN IT? OH.

AND THEY PUT A TOOTHPICK IN IT? OH. SINCE WHEN ARE THE PRICEMANS

OH. SINCE WHEN ARE THE PRICEMANS REFORM?

SINCE WHEN ARE THE PRICEMANS REFORM? BONE, BONE, BONE!

REFORM? BONE, BONE, BONE! OH, WELL, GO SLOW, PA.

BONE, BONE, BONE! OH, WELL, GO SLOW, PA. BONE!

OH, WELL, GO SLOW, PA. BONE! WHERE WAS I?

BONE! WHERE WAS I? RUMAKI.

WHERE WAS I? RUMAKI. OH, RIGHT.

RUMAKI. OH, RIGHT. SO, LARRY TOOK THE BACON OFF.

OH, RIGHT. SO, LARRY TOOK THE BACON OFF. I MEAN, IT'S NOT THAT HE'S

SO, LARRY TOOK THE BACON OFF. I MEAN, IT'S NOT THAT HE'S RELIGIOUS OR ANYTHING.

I MEAN, IT'S NOT THAT HE'S RELIGIOUS OR ANYTHING. HE JUST HATES BACON.

RELIGIOUS OR ANYTHING. HE JUST HATES BACON. BOBBI, LISTEN.

HE JUST HATES BACON. BOBBI, LISTEN. CAN I ASK YOU A PERSONAL

BOBBI, LISTEN. CAN I ASK YOU A PERSONAL QUESTION?

CAN I ASK YOU A PERSONAL QUESTION? WHAT?

QUESTION? WHAT? YOU KNOW HOW IT IS YOU JUST

WHAT? YOU KNOW HOW IT IS YOU JUST CAN'T KEEP YOUR HANDS OFF A GUY?

YOU KNOW HOW IT IS YOU JUST CAN'T KEEP YOUR HANDS OFF A GUY? NO.

CAN'T KEEP YOUR HANDS OFF A GUY? NO. WELL, I MEAN, SOMETIMES YOU

NO. WELL, I MEAN, SOMETIMES YOU JUST WANT TO JUMP ON LARRY?

WELL, I MEAN, SOMETIMES YOU JUST WANT TO JUMP ON LARRY? OH, NO.

JUST WANT TO JUMP ON LARRY? OH, NO. LARRY'S A WONDERFUL HUSBAND.

OH, NO. LARRY'S A WONDERFUL HUSBAND. HE ALWAYS MAKES HIS SIDE OF THE

LARRY'S A WONDERFUL HUSBAND. HE ALWAYS MAKES HIS SIDE OF THE BED.

HE ALWAYS MAKES HIS SIDE OF THE BED. HE NEVER TRIES TO FOOL AROUND

BED. HE NEVER TRIES TO FOOL AROUND WHEN I JUST HAD MY HAIR DONE.

HE NEVER TRIES TO FOOL AROUND WHEN I JUST HAD MY HAIR DONE. WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO ASK ME,

WHEN I JUST HAD MY HAIR DONE. WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO ASK ME, SYLVIA?

WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO ASK ME, SYLVIA? FORGET IT.

SYLVIA? FORGET IT. J-JUICE.

FORGET IT. J-JUICE. I WANT JUICE, JUICE.

J-JUICE. I WANT JUICE, JUICE. I MEAN, HAVE YOU EVER CHEATED

I WANT JUICE, JUICE. I MEAN, HAVE YOU EVER CHEATED ON LARRY?

I MEAN, HAVE YOU EVER CHEATED ON LARRY? NO.

ON LARRY? NO. HAS LARRY EVER CHEATED ON

NO. HAS LARRY EVER CHEATED ON YOU?

HAS LARRY EVER CHEATED ON YOU? OH, NO, NOT LARRY.

YOU? OH, NO, NOT LARRY. THAT WOULD BE LIKE SAYING PA

OH, NO, NOT LARRY. THAT WOULD BE LIKE SAYING PA CHEATED ON MA.

THAT WOULD BE LIKE SAYING PA CHEATED ON MA. DON'T RUSH.

CHEATED ON MA. DON'T RUSH. RIGHT. BE CAREFUL, PA.

DON'T RUSH. RIGHT. BE CAREFUL, PA. OH, HE'S SO GOOD.

RIGHT. BE CAREFUL, PA. OH, HE'S SO GOOD. HE FINISHED.

OH, HE'S SO GOOD. HE FINISHED. ISN'T THAT GOOD?

HE FINISHED. ISN'T THAT GOOD? [BELL RINGS]

ISN'T THAT GOOD? [BELL RINGS] OH.

[BELL RINGS] OH. I'M SORRY.

OH. I'M SORRY. VISITING HOURS ARE OVER.

I'M SORRY. VISITING HOURS ARE OVER. Both: WE KNOW.

VISITING HOURS ARE OVER. Both: WE KNOW. WE KNOW.

Both: WE KNOW. WE KNOW. GOODBYE, PA.

WE KNOW. GOODBYE, PA. SEE YOU NEXT SUNDAY.

GOODBYE, PA. SEE YOU NEXT SUNDAY. BE A GOOD BOY, PA.

SEE YOU NEXT SUNDAY. BE A GOOD BOY, PA. YEAH.

BE A GOOD BOY, PA. YEAH. IF YOU SEE SYLVIA, TELL HER TO

YEAH. IF YOU SEE SYLVIA, TELL HER TO VISIT MORE OFTEN.

IF YOU SEE SYLVIA, TELL HER TO VISIT MORE OFTEN. [CHUCKLES]

YOU KNOW... [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] YOU KNOW, LADIES AND

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] YOU KNOW, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN...

YOU KNOW, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN... YOU KNOW, EVERYONE... THIS IS

GENTLEMEN... YOU KNOW, EVERYONE... THIS IS REALLY HONEST.

YOU KNOW, EVERYONE... THIS IS REALLY HONEST. EVERYONE HAS BEEN PUTTING ME ON

REALLY HONEST. EVERYONE HAS BEEN PUTTING ME ON AND PUTTING ME DOWN ABOUT HOW I

EVERYONE HAS BEEN PUTTING ME ON AND PUTTING ME DOWN ABOUT HOW I STEAL JOKES.

AND PUTTING ME DOWN ABOUT HOW I STEAL JOKES. BUT, IN TRUTH, I HAVE A GREAT

STEAL JOKES. BUT, IN TRUTH, I HAVE A GREAT RESPECT FOR WRITERS.

BUT, IN TRUTH, I HAVE A GREAT RESPECT FOR WRITERS. SOME OF THE GUYS HAVE BEEN WITH

RESPECT FOR WRITERS. SOME OF THE GUYS HAVE BEEN WITH ME FOR MOST OF MY YEARS IN SHOW

SOME OF THE GUYS HAVE BEEN WITH ME FOR MOST OF MY YEARS IN SHOW BUSINESS, AND TONIGHT, AS A

ME FOR MOST OF MY YEARS IN SHOW BUSINESS, AND TONIGHT, AS A SPECIAL TREAT, I WOULD LIKE ALL

BUSINESS, AND TONIGHT, AS A SPECIAL TREAT, I WOULD LIKE ALL OF THEM TO MEET YOU IN PERSON,

SPECIAL TREAT, I WOULD LIKE ALL OF THEM TO MEET YOU IN PERSON, AND I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET THEM.

OF THEM TO MEET YOU IN PERSON, AND I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET THEM. COME ON OUT HERE, SID, MEL,

AND I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET THEM. COME ON OUT HERE, SID, MEL, IRVING, WAYNE, MARTY.

COME ON OUT HERE, SID, MEL, IRVING, WAYNE, MARTY. COME ON.

IRVING, WAYNE, MARTY. COME ON. STEP DOWN HERE.

COME ON. STEP DOWN HERE. I WANT YOU TO MEET MY WRITERS,

STEP DOWN HERE. I WANT YOU TO MEET MY WRITERS, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

I WANT YOU TO MEET MY WRITERS, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN. [APPLAUSE]

[SPEAKING JAPANESE]

I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE HELL I SAID. STAY THERE.

SAID. STAY THERE. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, MAY I

STAY THERE. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, MAY I PRESENT TO YOU, ORNETTE COLEMAN.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, MAY I PRESENT TO YOU, ORNETTE COLEMAN. LET'S HEAR IT ONCE MORE.

PRESENT TO YOU, ORNETTE COLEMAN. LET'S HEAR IT ONCE MORE. [APPLAUSE]

[PLAYING "TIMES SQUARE"]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

[PIANO PLAYS] [APPLAUSE] ♪ OH, IT'S A LONG, LONG WHILE

[APPLAUSE] ♪ OH, IT'S A LONG, LONG WHILE FROM MAY TO DECEMBER ♪

♪ OH, IT'S A LONG, LONG WHILE FROM MAY TO DECEMBER ♪ ♪ BUT THE DAYS GROW SHORT

FROM MAY TO DECEMBER ♪ ♪ BUT THE DAYS GROW SHORT WHEN YOU REACH SEPTEMBER ♪

♪ BUT THE DAYS GROW SHORT WHEN YOU REACH SEPTEMBER ♪ ♪ THE AUTUMN WEATHER

WHEN YOU REACH SEPTEMBER ♪ ♪ THE AUTUMN WEATHER TURNS THE LEAVES TO FLAME ♪

♪ THE AUTUMN WEATHER TURNS THE LEAVES TO FLAME ♪ ♪ BUT ONE HASN'T GOT TIME

TURNS THE LEAVES TO FLAME ♪ ♪ BUT ONE HASN'T GOT TIME FOR THE WAITING GAME ♪

♪ BUT ONE HASN'T GOT TIME FOR THE WAITING GAME ♪ ♪ OH, THE DAYS DWINDLE DOWN

FOR THE WAITING GAME ♪ ♪ OH, THE DAYS DWINDLE DOWN TO A PRECIOUS FEW ♪

♪ OH, THE DAYS DWINDLE DOWN TO A PRECIOUS FEW ♪ ♪ SEPTEMBER, NOVEMBER,

TO A PRECIOUS FEW ♪ ♪ SEPTEMBER, NOVEMBER, AND THESE FEW PRECIOUS DAYS

♪ SEPTEMBER, NOVEMBER, AND THESE FEW PRECIOUS DAYS I SPEND WITH YOU ♪

AND THESE FEW PRECIOUS DAYS I SPEND WITH YOU ♪ ♪ THESE PRECIOUS DAYS

I SPEND WITH YOU ♪ ♪ THESE PRECIOUS DAYS I SPEND WITH YOU ♪

♪ THESE PRECIOUS DAYS I SPEND WITH YOU ♪ AND THESE ARE PRECIOUS DAYS,

I SPEND WITH YOU ♪ AND THESE ARE PRECIOUS DAYS, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

AND THESE ARE PRECIOUS DAYS, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN. YOU...

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN. YOU... [PIANO PLAYS "THERE'S NO

YOU... [PIANO PLAYS "THERE'S NO BUSINESS LIKE SHOW BUSINESS"]

[PIANO PLAYS "THERE'S NO BUSINESS LIKE SHOW BUSINESS"] AS MY ACCOMPANIST, BUDDY FREED,

[BUSINESS LIKE SHOW BUSINESS"] AS MY ACCOMPANIST, BUDDY FREED, IS PLAYING THE IMMORTAL STRAINS

AS MY ACCOMPANIST, BUDDY FREED, IS PLAYING THE IMMORTAL STRAINS OF "NO BUSINESS LIKE SHOW

IS PLAYING THE IMMORTAL STRAINS OF "NO BUSINESS LIKE SHOW BUSINESS," MAY I SAY ON THIS

OF "NO BUSINESS LIKE SHOW BUSINESS," MAY I SAY ON THIS SATURDAY NIGHT THAT EVERY TIME

BUSINESS," MAY I SAY ON THIS SATURDAY NIGHT THAT EVERY TIME I HEAR THAT IRVING BERLIN

SATURDAY NIGHT THAT EVERY TIME I HEAR THAT IRVING BERLIN IMMORTAL COMPOSITION, IT DOES

I HEAR THAT IRVING BERLIN IMMORTAL COMPOSITION, IT DOES SOMETHING TO ME.

IMMORTAL COMPOSITION, IT DOES SOMETHING TO ME. I DON'T KNOW.

SOMETHING TO ME. I DON'T KNOW. ESPECIALLY THE WORDS... IT PUTS

I DON'T KNOW. ESPECIALLY THE WORDS... IT PUTS GOOSE PIMPLES ALL OVER ME

ESPECIALLY THE WORDS... IT PUTS GOOSE PIMPLES ALL OVER ME BECAUSE I GUESS I SEE ALL THESE

GOOSE PIMPLES ALL OVER ME BECAUSE I GUESS I SEE ALL THESE YOUNG PERFORMERS HERE, GREAT

BECAUSE I GUESS I SEE ALL THESE YOUNG PERFORMERS HERE, GREAT ONES, AND I THINK OF MYSELF WHEN

YOUNG PERFORMERS HERE, GREAT ONES, AND I THINK OF MYSELF WHEN I WAS THEIR AGE.

ONES, AND I THINK OF MYSELF WHEN I WAS THEIR AGE. AND I... SHOW BUSINESS HAS BEEN

I WAS THEIR AGE. AND I... SHOW BUSINESS HAS BEEN MY LIFE.

AND I... SHOW BUSINESS HAS BEEN MY LIFE. I KNOW NOTHING... AT THE AGE OF

MY LIFE. I KNOW NOTHING... AT THE AGE OF 11, I MADE MY EIGHTH COMEBACK.

I KNOW NOTHING... AT THE AGE OF 11, I MADE MY EIGHTH COMEBACK. [LAUGHTER]

11, I MADE MY EIGHTH COMEBACK. [LAUGHTER] YOU KNOW, I DON'T GET TOO MUCH

[LAUGHTER] YOU KNOW, I DON'T GET TOO MUCH OF A CHANCE TO COME EAST TO DO

YOU KNOW, I DON'T GET TOO MUCH OF A CHANCE TO COME EAST TO DO TELEVISION SHOWS, 'CAUSE MOST

OF A CHANCE TO COME EAST TO DO TELEVISION SHOWS, 'CAUSE MOST OF THE INDUSTRY'S IN THE COAST,

TELEVISION SHOWS, 'CAUSE MOST OF THE INDUSTRY'S IN THE COAST, BUT I DID A LOT OF TV WORK THIS

OF THE INDUSTRY'S IN THE COAST, BUT I DID A LOT OF TV WORK THIS PAST YEAR.

BUT I DID A LOT OF TV WORK THIS PAST YEAR. I FIXED THREE SETS YESTERDAY.

PAST YEAR. I FIXED THREE SETS YESTERDAY. BUT IN MY TELEVISION CAREER,

I FIXED THREE SETS YESTERDAY. BUT IN MY TELEVISION CAREER, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, WHILE I'M

BUT IN MY TELEVISION CAREER, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, WHILE I'M ON THE SUBJECT, GOING THROUGH

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, WHILE I'M ON THE SUBJECT, GOING THROUGH OVER 2,000 LIVE HOUR SHOWS...

ON THE SUBJECT, GOING THROUGH OVER 2,000 LIVE HOUR SHOWS... SOME OF THEM WERE DEAD.

OVER 2,000 LIVE HOUR SHOWS... SOME OF THEM WERE DEAD. BUT EVEN WITH ALL THOSE SHOWS

SOME OF THEM WERE DEAD. BUT EVEN WITH ALL THOSE SHOWS THAT I'VE DONE, YOU GOT TO

BUT EVEN WITH ALL THOSE SHOWS THAT I'VE DONE, YOU GOT TO BELIEVE ME.

THAT I'VE DONE, YOU GOT TO BELIEVE ME. THERE IS NOTHING MORE THRILLING

BELIEVE ME. THERE IS NOTHING MORE THRILLING THAN COMING OUT AND DOING JUST

THERE IS NOTHING MORE THRILLING THAN COMING OUT AND DOING JUST ONE PERFORMANCE IN FRONT OF A

THAN COMING OUT AND DOING JUST ONE PERFORMANCE IN FRONT OF A LIVE, ELECTRIC, IN-PERSON

ONE PERFORMANCE IN FRONT OF A LIVE, ELECTRIC, IN-PERSON AUDIENCE AND TO DO A SHOW LIVE.

LIVE, ELECTRIC, IN-PERSON AUDIENCE AND TO DO A SHOW LIVE. WHEN I ASKED THEM... PARDON ME.

AUDIENCE AND TO DO A SHOW LIVE. WHEN I ASKED THEM... PARDON ME. WHEN THEY BEGGED ME...

WHEN I ASKED THEM... PARDON ME. WHEN THEY BEGGED ME... [LAUGHTER]

WHEN THEY BEGGED ME... [LAUGHTER] TO BE ON THE SHOW, I WAS

[LAUGHTER] TO BE ON THE SHOW, I WAS THRILLED.

TO BE ON THE SHOW, I WAS THRILLED. TO BE ABLE TO AD-LIB AND THROW

THRILLED. TO BE ABLE TO AD-LIB AND THROW CAUTION TO THE WINDS ON A LIVE

TO BE ABLE TO AD-LIB AND THROW CAUTION TO THE WINDS ON A LIVE SHOW, AND IF SOMETHING WRONG

CAUTION TO THE WINDS ON A LIVE SHOW, AND IF SOMETHING WRONG HAPPENS, YOU CAN'T DO ANYTHING

SHOW, AND IF SOMETHING WRONG HAPPENS, YOU CAN'T DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT.

HAPPENS, YOU CAN'T DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT. AND THAT COULD HAPPEN.

ABOUT IT. AND THAT COULD HAPPEN. AND I LOVE THIS.

AND THAT COULD HAPPEN. AND I LOVE THIS. AND I WROTE A BOOK.

AND I LOVE THIS. AND I WROTE A BOOK. I WROTE A BOOK, MY LIFE STORY.

AND I WROTE A BOOK. I WROTE A BOOK, MY LIFE STORY. AND IT'S GOING GREAT.

I WROTE A BOOK, MY LIFE STORY. AND IT'S GOING GREAT. IT'S IN ITS 12th PRINTING.

AND IT'S GOING GREAT. IT'S IN ITS 12th PRINTING. THE FIRST 11 WERE BLURRED, AND

IT'S IN ITS 12th PRINTING. THE FIRST 11 WERE BLURRED, AND WE HAD...

THE FIRST 11 WERE BLURRED, AND WE HAD... BUT IN MY BOOK, I TALK ABOUT MY

WE HAD... BUT IN MY BOOK, I TALK ABOUT MY TRIALS AND TRIBULATIONS IN SHOW

BUT IN MY BOOK, I TALK ABOUT MY TRIALS AND TRIBULATIONS IN SHOW BUSINESS WHEN I WAS A KID, AND I

TRIALS AND TRIBULATIONS IN SHOW BUSINESS WHEN I WAS A KID, AND I SEE THIS YOUNG BOY SITTING DOWN

BUSINESS WHEN I WAS A KID, AND I SEE THIS YOUNG BOY SITTING DOWN HERE.

SEE THIS YOUNG BOY SITTING DOWN HERE. MUST BE ABOUT 15, 16.

HERE. MUST BE ABOUT 15, 16. AND I TRAVELED WITH MY MOTHER.

MUST BE ABOUT 15, 16. AND I TRAVELED WITH MY MOTHER. NOW, TRUST ME.

AND I TRAVELED WITH MY MOTHER. NOW, TRUST ME. I'M NOT ONE TO PREACH "MOMISM."

NOW, TRUST ME. I'M NOT ONE TO PREACH "MOMISM." I DON'T DIG IT.

I'M NOT ONE TO PREACH "MOMISM." I DON'T DIG IT. BUT I HAD SOME KIND OF A MOTHER.

I DON'T DIG IT. BUT I HAD SOME KIND OF A MOTHER. SHE WAS A STAGE MOTHER.

BUT I HAD SOME KIND OF A MOTHER. SHE WAS A STAGE MOTHER. AND WE WENT ALL OVER.

SHE WAS A STAGE MOTHER. AND WE WENT ALL OVER. I PLAYED TOWNS YOU NEVER HEARD

AND WE WENT ALL OVER. I PLAYED TOWNS YOU NEVER HEARD OF, PLACES LIKE LONG DRAWERS,

I PLAYED TOWNS YOU NEVER HEARD OF, PLACES LIKE LONG DRAWERS, MISSOURI.

OF, PLACES LIKE LONG DRAWERS, MISSOURI. SMALL TOWN.

MISSOURI. SMALL TOWN. I PLAYED ONE TOWN IT WAS SO

SMALL TOWN. I PLAYED ONE TOWN IT WAS SO SMALL, THE LOCAL HOOKER WAS A

I PLAYED ONE TOWN IT WAS SO SMALL, THE LOCAL HOOKER WAS A VIRGIN.

SMALL, THE LOCAL HOOKER WAS A VIRGIN. [LAUGHTER]

VIRGIN. [LAUGHTER] AND THE HEAD OF THE MAFIA WAS A

[LAUGHTER] AND THE HEAD OF THE MAFIA WAS A FILIPINO.

AND THE HEAD OF THE MAFIA WAS A FILIPINO. I'D LIKE TO QUOTE SOMETHING, IF

FILIPINO. I'D LIKE TO QUOTE SOMETHING, IF I MAY, AT THIS "SATURDAY NIGHT

I'D LIKE TO QUOTE SOMETHING, IF I MAY, AT THIS "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE" SHOW THAT'S IN MY BOOK.

I MAY, AT THIS "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE" SHOW THAT'S IN MY BOOK. AND I THINK IT FITS THIS

LIVE" SHOW THAT'S IN MY BOOK. AND I THINK IT FITS THIS SITUATION APPROPRIATELY.

AND I THINK IT FITS THIS SITUATION APPROPRIATELY. I SAY IN THE BOOK... JUST A

SITUATION APPROPRIATELY. I SAY IN THE BOOK... JUST A MINUTE.

I SAY IN THE BOOK... JUST A MINUTE. "I LOVE THE TASTE OF COLD CREAM.

MINUTE. "I LOVE THE TASTE OF COLD CREAM. I LOVE THE SCENT AND THE AROMA

"I LOVE THE TASTE OF COLD CREAM. I LOVE THE SCENT AND THE AROMA OF MAKEUP.

I LOVE THE SCENT AND THE AROMA OF MAKEUP. I LIKE LIGHTS.

OF MAKEUP. I LIKE LIGHTS. I LIKE PEOPLE.

I LIKE LIGHTS. I LIKE PEOPLE. I LIKE TO HEAR PEOPLE LAUGH.

I LIKE PEOPLE. I LIKE TO HEAR PEOPLE LAUGH. I LIKE TO TRY TO MAKE THEM

I LIKE TO HEAR PEOPLE LAUGH. I LIKE TO TRY TO MAKE THEM LAUGH."

I LIKE TO TRY TO MAKE THEM LAUGH." YOU KNOW, THE REASON THAT I SANG

LAUGH." YOU KNOW, THE REASON THAT I SANG "SEPTEMBER SONG"... I CANNOT

YOU KNOW, THE REASON THAT I SANG "SEPTEMBER SONG"... I CANNOT TELL A LIE.

"SEPTEMBER SONG"... I CANNOT TELL A LIE. I HAD A BIRTHDAY THIS LAST JULY.

TELL A LIE. I HAD A BIRTHDAY THIS LAST JULY. I FINALLY HIT THE BIG NUMBER,

I HAD A BIRTHDAY THIS LAST JULY. I FINALLY HIT THE BIG NUMBER, THANKS TO ALL OF YOU.

I FINALLY HIT THE BIG NUMBER, THANKS TO ALL OF YOU. I WAS 70, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

THANKS TO ALL OF YOU. I WAS 70, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

I WAS 70, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] THANKS TO ALL OF YOU.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] THANKS TO ALL OF YOU. WELL...

THANKS TO ALL OF YOU. WELL... NO?

WELL... NO? I DON'T FEEL 70.

NO? I DON'T FEEL 70. I FEEL LIKE A 20-YEAR-OLD.

I DON'T FEEL 70. I FEEL LIKE A 20-YEAR-OLD. BUT THERE'S NEVER ONE AROUND.

I FEEL LIKE A 20-YEAR-OLD. BUT THERE'S NEVER ONE AROUND. OH, BOY.

BUT THERE'S NEVER ONE AROUND. OH, BOY. SEX AFTER 70 IS TERRIFIC,

OH, BOY. SEX AFTER 70 IS TERRIFIC, ESPECIALLY THE ONE IN THE

SEX AFTER 70 IS TERRIFIC, ESPECIALLY THE ONE IN THE WINTER.

ESPECIALLY THE ONE IN THE WINTER. [LAUGHTER]

WINTER. [LAUGHTER] AT THIS SHOW TONIGHT, AND I'M

[LAUGHTER] AT THIS SHOW TONIGHT, AND I'M INDEED HONORED TO BE HERE, I'D

AT THIS SHOW TONIGHT, AND I'M INDEED HONORED TO BE HERE, I'D LIKE TO THANK SOME OF YOU, MOST

INDEED HONORED TO BE HERE, I'D LIKE TO THANK SOME OF YOU, MOST OF YOU, POSSIBLY ALL OF YOU THAT

LIKE TO THANK SOME OF YOU, MOST OF YOU, POSSIBLY ALL OF YOU THAT ARE WATCHING THE SHOW FOR THE

OF YOU, POSSIBLY ALL OF YOU THAT ARE WATCHING THE SHOW FOR THE BIG HELP YOU GAVE ME IN MY EARLY

ARE WATCHING THE SHOW FOR THE BIG HELP YOU GAVE ME IN MY EARLY DAYS IN MY TELEVISION CAREER,

BIG HELP YOU GAVE ME IN MY EARLY DAYS IN MY TELEVISION CAREER, WHEN I WAS ON THE TEXACO.

DAYS IN MY TELEVISION CAREER, WHEN I WAS ON THE TEXACO. AND I WAS GOING PRETTY GOOD FOR

WHEN I WAS ON THE TEXACO. AND I WAS GOING PRETTY GOOD FOR THE FIRST SEVEN OR EIGHT YEARS,

AND I WAS GOING PRETTY GOOD FOR THE FIRST SEVEN OR EIGHT YEARS, UNTIL THEY PUT SOMEBODY OPPOSITE

THE FIRST SEVEN OR EIGHT YEARS, UNTIL THEY PUT SOMEBODY OPPOSITE ME.

UNTIL THEY PUT SOMEBODY OPPOSITE ME. YOU GUESSED IT... HIS

ME. YOU GUESSED IT... HIS EXCELLENCY, BISHOP FULTON SHEEN.

YOU GUESSED IT... HIS EXCELLENCY, BISHOP FULTON SHEEN. OF COURSE, HE DID BETTER THAN I

EXCELLENCY, BISHOP FULTON SHEEN. OF COURSE, HE DID BETTER THAN I DID, 'CAUSE LET'S FACE IT.

OF COURSE, HE DID BETTER THAN I DID, 'CAUSE LET'S FACE IT. HE HAD MUCH BETTER WRITERS.

DID, 'CAUSE LET'S FACE IT. HE HAD MUCH BETTER WRITERS. [LAUGHTER]

HE HAD MUCH BETTER WRITERS. [LAUGHTER] HE HAD MATTHEW, LUKE, MARK.

[LAUGHTER] HE HAD MATTHEW, LUKE, MARK. IN FACT, WHILE I WAS ON TEXACO,

HE HAD MATTHEW, LUKE, MARK. IN FACT, WHILE I WAS ON TEXACO, BISHOP SHEEN AND I HAD THE SAME

IN FACT, WHILE I WAS ON TEXACO, BISHOP SHEEN AND I HAD THE SAME SPONSOR... SKY CHIEF.

BISHOP SHEEN AND I HAD THE SAME SPONSOR... SKY CHIEF. SO I DO...

SPONSOR... SKY CHIEF. SO I DO... [LAUGHTER]

SO I DO... [LAUGHTER] I DO WANT TO TELL YOU THIS, AND

[LAUGHTER] I DO WANT TO TELL YOU THIS, AND I REALLY MEAN IT, LADIES AND

I DO WANT TO TELL YOU THIS, AND I REALLY MEAN IT, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

I REALLY MEAN IT, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN. IF I COULD CONTINUE TO GET

GENTLEMEN. IF I COULD CONTINUE TO GET AUDIENCES LIKE YOU'VE BEEN HERE

IF I COULD CONTINUE TO GET AUDIENCES LIKE YOU'VE BEEN HERE TONIGHT, I JUST WANT TO SAY THAT

AUDIENCES LIKE YOU'VE BEEN HERE TONIGHT, I JUST WANT TO SAY THAT YOU'VE GIVEN ME THE INCENTIVE TO

TONIGHT, I JUST WANT TO SAY THAT YOU'VE GIVEN ME THE INCENTIVE TO NEVER STOP ENTERTAINING.

YOU'VE GIVEN ME THE INCENTIVE TO NEVER STOP ENTERTAINING. AND I REALLY MEAN THAT.

NEVER STOP ENTERTAINING. AND I REALLY MEAN THAT. AND I'D LIKE TO SAY GIVE ME A

AND I REALLY MEAN THAT. AND I'D LIKE TO SAY GIVE ME A LIVE AUDIENCE, LIKE YOU, FOR THE

AND I'D LIKE TO SAY GIVE ME A LIVE AUDIENCE, LIKE YOU, FOR THE REST OF MY CAREER.

LIVE AUDIENCE, LIKE YOU, FOR THE REST OF MY CAREER. THANK YOU VERY, VERY MUCH.

REST OF MY CAREER. THANK YOU VERY, VERY MUCH. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

GOOD NIGHT, EVERYONE! THANK YOU! HEY!

THANK YOU! HEY! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

Announcer: THIS IS DON PARDO

SAYING GOOD NIGHT.