Original subtitles

Announcer: FROM

WASHINGTON, D.C., NBC PRESENTS

PRESIDENT CARTER'S STATE OF THE

UNION ADDRESS.

NOW FROM INSIDE THE CAPITOL IS

NBC's RAY McDOUGAL.

IN JUST A MOMENT, THE HOUSE DOORKEEPER WILL ANNOUNCE THE PRESIDENT.

DOORKEEPER WILL ANNOUNCE THE PRESIDENT. RUMOR HAD IT EARLIER TODAY THAT

PRESIDENT. RUMOR HAD IT EARLIER TODAY THAT THE PRESIDENT MAY NOT HAVE BEEN

RUMOR HAD IT EARLIER TODAY THAT THE PRESIDENT MAY NOT HAVE BEEN ABLE TO GIVE THE ADDRESS BECAUSE

THE PRESIDENT MAY NOT HAVE BEEN ABLE TO GIVE THE ADDRESS BECAUSE OF A PAINFUL MEDICAL PROBLEM,

ABLE TO GIVE THE ADDRESS BECAUSE OF A PAINFUL MEDICAL PROBLEM, BUT WE'VE HEARD THAT HE

OF A PAINFUL MEDICAL PROBLEM, BUT WE'VE HEARD THAT HE DEFINITELY IS HERE.

BUT WE'VE HEARD THAT HE DEFINITELY IS HERE. AND, UH, HERE'S THE SPEAKER.

DEFINITELY IS HERE. AND, UH, HERE'S THE SPEAKER. THIS ROOM WILL BE IN ORDER.

AND, UH, HERE'S THE SPEAKER. THIS ROOM WILL BE IN ORDER. MR. SPEAKER, THE PRESIDENT OF

THIS ROOM WILL BE IN ORDER. MR. SPEAKER, THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES.

MR. SPEAKER, THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES. THE PRESIDENT IS WADDLING

THE UNITED STATES. THE PRESIDENT IS WADDLING INTO THE HOUSE CHAMBER NOW.

THE PRESIDENT IS WADDLING INTO THE HOUSE CHAMBER NOW. THE ENTIRE CONGRESS IS, OF

INTO THE HOUSE CHAMBER NOW. THE ENTIRE CONGRESS IS, OF COURSE, AWARE OF THE PRESIDENT'S

THE ENTIRE CONGRESS IS, OF COURSE, AWARE OF THE PRESIDENT'S CONDITION, AND THEY ARE

COURSE, AWARE OF THE PRESIDENT'S CONDITION, AND THEY ARE OBVIOUSLY APPLAUDING HIS

CONDITION, AND THEY ARE OBVIOUSLY APPLAUDING HIS COURAGE.

OBVIOUSLY APPLAUDING HIS COURAGE. HIS STOIC FACE REFUSES TO BETRAY

COURAGE. HIS STOIC FACE REFUSES TO BETRAY THE OBVIOUS DISCOMFORT CAUSED BY

HIS STOIC FACE REFUSES TO BETRAY THE OBVIOUS DISCOMFORT CAUSED BY HIS AFFLICTION.

MY FELLOW AMERICANS, AS I START MY THIRD YEAR AS PRESIDENT, I'M HAPPY TO ANNOUNCE

START MY THIRD YEAR AS PRESIDENT, I'M HAPPY TO ANNOUNCE THAT THE STATE OF THE UNION IS

PRESIDENT, I'M HAPPY TO ANNOUNCE THAT THE STATE OF THE UNION IS THE BEST IT'S EVER BEEN.

THAT THE STATE OF THE UNION IS THE BEST IT'S EVER BEEN. WE ARE IN GREAT SHAPE.

THE BEST IT'S EVER BEEN. WE ARE IN GREAT SHAPE. WE'RE AT PEACE.

WE ARE IN GREAT SHAPE. WE'RE AT PEACE. MORE PEOPLE ARE JOGGING.

WE'RE AT PEACE. MORE PEOPLE ARE JOGGING. AND WE HAD THE BEST SUPER BOWL

MORE PEOPLE ARE JOGGING. AND WE HAD THE BEST SUPER BOWL EVER.

BUT WE DO HAVE PROBLEMS, THE MOST IRRITATING OF WHICH IS THE CONSTANT SWELLING OF INFLATION.

MOST IRRITATING OF WHICH IS THE CONSTANT SWELLING OF INFLATION. THE VESSELS OF OUR ECONOMY ARE

CONSTANT SWELLING OF INFLATION. THE VESSELS OF OUR ECONOMY ARE DANGLING IN SUSPENSE TO SEE HOW

THE VESSELS OF OUR ECONOMY ARE DANGLING IN SUSPENSE TO SEE HOW THIS NAGGING PROBLEM WILL BE

DANGLING IN SUSPENSE TO SEE HOW THIS NAGGING PROBLEM WILL BE RECTIFIED.

THIS NAGGING PROBLEM WILL BE RECTIFIED. INFLATION IS NOT PRETTY.

RECTIFIED. INFLATION IS NOT PRETTY. BUT AFTER A LONG, HARD LOOK, I

INFLATION IS NOT PRETTY. BUT AFTER A LONG, HARD LOOK, I BELIEVE I'VE PUT MY FINGER ON

BUT AFTER A LONG, HARD LOOK, I BELIEVE I'VE PUT MY FINGER ON THE PROBLEM.

WE HAVE OVEREXTENDED OURSELVES,

PUT TOO MUCH STRAIN ON OUR

ECONOMY FROM OUR DEPENDENCE ON

THE FLOW OF FOREIGN OIL.

THEREFORE, TO DRIVE THE PILES FOR A NEW FOUNDATION TO DEAL WITH INFLATION, I WILL PRESENT

FOR A NEW FOUNDATION TO DEAL WITH INFLATION, I WILL PRESENT TO CONGRESS A COMPREHENSIVE

WITH INFLATION, I WILL PRESENT TO CONGRESS A COMPREHENSIVE LEGISLATIVE PACKAGE THAT I CALL

TO CONGRESS A COMPREHENSIVE LEGISLATIVE PACKAGE THAT I CALL "PREPARATION I."

LEGISLATIVE PACKAGE THAT I CALL "PREPARATION I." WITH DILIGENT APPLICATION, THIS

"PREPARATION I." WITH DILIGENT APPLICATION, THIS PROGRAM WILL HOPEFULLY SHRINK

WITH DILIGENT APPLICATION, THIS PROGRAM WILL HOPEFULLY SHRINK INFLATION AND RELIEVE THIS

PROGRAM WILL HOPEFULLY SHRINK INFLATION AND RELIEVE THIS BURDEN WHICH ITCHES AWAY AT THE

INFLATION AND RELIEVE THIS BURDEN WHICH ITCHES AWAY AT THE BASE OF OUR ECONOMY.

I COULD GO ON AND DESCRIBE IN THE MOST VAGUE GENERALITIES OUR INADEQUATE EFFORTS IN ARMS

THE MOST VAGUE GENERALITIES OUR INADEQUATE EFFORTS IN ARMS REDUCTION AND HUMAN RIGHTS, BUT

INADEQUATE EFFORTS IN ARMS REDUCTION AND HUMAN RIGHTS, BUT I JUST CAN'T TAKE STANDING HERE

REDUCTION AND HUMAN RIGHTS, BUT I JUST CAN'T TAKE STANDING HERE ANY LONGER.

I JUST CAN'T TAKE STANDING HERE ANY LONGER. SO LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S

ANY LONGER. SO LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S "SATURDAY NIGHT."

Announcer: IT'S "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE."

WITH MICHAEL PALIN...

STARRING DAN AYKROYD... JOHN BELUSHI... JANE CURTIN...

JOHN BELUSHI... JANE CURTIN... GARRETT MORRIS...

JANE CURTIN... GARRETT MORRIS... BILL MURRAY...

GARRETT MORRIS... BILL MURRAY... LARAINE NEWMAN...

BILL MURRAY... LARAINE NEWMAN... AND GILDA RADNER.

WITH MUSICAL GUEST THE DOOBIE BROTHERS... SPECIAL GUEST

THE DOOBIE BROTHERS... SPECIAL GUEST FRANKEN AND DAVIS...

SPECIAL GUEST FRANKEN AND DAVIS... AND A SPECIAL REPORT FROM

FRANKEN AND DAVIS... AND A SPECIAL REPORT FROM FATHER GUIDO SARDUCCI.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, MICHAEL PALIN.

HELLO. HI. GREAT, GREAT. WOW.

GREAT, GREAT. WOW. I'M OVERCOME.

WOW. I'M OVERCOME. [LAUGHS]

I'M OVERCOME. [LAUGHS] THIS IS JUST WONDERFUL, YOU

[LAUGHS] THIS IS JUST WONDERFUL, YOU KNOW, TO COME 3,000 MILES TO

THIS IS JUST WONDERFUL, YOU KNOW, TO COME 3,000 MILES TO THIS... 4,000 BY CONCORDE.

KNOW, TO COME 3,000 MILES TO THIS... 4,000 BY CONCORDE. AH, IT'S... IT'S JUST GREAT TO

THIS... 4,000 BY CONCORDE. AH, IT'S... IT'S JUST GREAT TO BE HERE.

AH, IT'S... IT'S JUST GREAT TO BE HERE. ALL I CAN SAY IS IT'S GREAT TO

BE HERE. ALL I CAN SAY IS IT'S GREAT TO BE BACK ON

ALL I CAN SAY IS IT'S GREAT TO BE BACK ON "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE."

BE BACK ON "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE." [APPLAUSE]

"SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE." [APPLAUSE] OH, PLEASE.

[APPLAUSE] OH, PLEASE. [LAUGHS]

OH, PLEASE. [LAUGHS] YOU'RE JUST TRYING TO MAKE ME

[LAUGHS] YOU'RE JUST TRYING TO MAKE ME FEEL BETTER, AND I APPRECIATE

YOU'RE JUST TRYING TO MAKE ME FEEL BETTER, AND I APPRECIATE THAT.

FEEL BETTER, AND I APPRECIATE THAT. UM... NO, IT'S JUST WONDERFUL TO

THAT. UM... NO, IT'S JUST WONDERFUL TO BE HERE WITH THE GUYS AGAIN.

UM... NO, IT'S JUST WONDERFUL TO BE HERE WITH THE GUYS AGAIN. I MEAN, DANNY UP THERE... ISN'T

BE HERE WITH THE GUYS AGAIN. I MEAN, DANNY UP THERE... ISN'T HE GREAT?

I MEAN, DANNY UP THERE... ISN'T HE GREAT? AND ALL THE OTHERS ARE JUST,

HE GREAT? AND ALL THE OTHERS ARE JUST, UM, YOU KNOW, THE... UM, JOHN...

AND ALL THE OTHERS ARE JUST, UM, YOU KNOW, THE... UM, JOHN... WHOO!

UM, YOU KNOW, THE... UM, JOHN... WHOO! LIDA... GILDA...

WHOO! LIDA... GILDA... WHOO!

LIDA... GILDA... WHOO! LARAINE...

WHOO! LARAINE... WHOO!

LARAINE... WHOO! JANE...

WHOO! JANE... WHOO!

JANE... WHOO! [LAUGHTER]

WHOO! [LAUGHTER] GARRETT, OF COURSE...

[LAUGHTER] GARRETT, OF COURSE... AND BILL...

GARRETT, OF COURSE... AND BILL... AND A COUPLE POUNDS OF POTATOES.

AND BILL... AND A COUPLE POUNDS OF POTATOES. ALL RIGHT, WELL, THAT'S ALL.

AND A COUPLE POUNDS OF POTATOES. ALL RIGHT, WELL, THAT'S ALL. ANYWAY, IT'S JUST... I MEAN,

ALL RIGHT, WELL, THAT'S ALL. ANYWAY, IT'S JUST... I MEAN, IT'S A GREAT THRILL TO BE BACK

ANYWAY, IT'S JUST... I MEAN, IT'S A GREAT THRILL TO BE BACK HERE AGAIN.

IT'S A GREAT THRILL TO BE BACK HERE AGAIN. EVERYTHING'S WORKING WELL, AND I

HERE AGAIN. EVERYTHING'S WORKING WELL, AND I THINK... I MAY SAY THIS NOW

EVERYTHING'S WORKING WELL, AND I THINK... I MAY SAY THIS NOW BECAUSE I THINK WE HAVE A...

THINK... I MAY SAY THIS NOW BECAUSE I THINK WE HAVE A... DARE I SAY IT?

BECAUSE I THINK WE HAVE A... DARE I SAY IT? YEAH, I DARE.

DARE I SAY IT? YEAH, I DARE. A NEAR-PERFECT SHOW FOR YOU

YEAH, I DARE. A NEAR-PERFECT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.

A NEAR-PERFECT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT. I MEAN, JUST THROUGH THE

TONIGHT. I MEAN, JUST THROUGH THE REHEARSALS, THE WRITERS HAVE

I MEAN, JUST THROUGH THE REHEARSALS, THE WRITERS HAVE COME UP WITH SUPERB MATERIAL.

REHEARSALS, THE WRITERS HAVE COME UP WITH SUPERB MATERIAL. THE DOOBIE BROTHERS ARE OUR

COME UP WITH SUPERB MATERIAL. THE DOOBIE BROTHERS ARE OUR MUSICAL GUESTS.

THE DOOBIE BROTHERS ARE OUR MUSICAL GUESTS. GREAT.

MUSICAL GUESTS. GREAT. THEY ARE... THEY'RE JUST SO

GREAT. THEY ARE... THEY'RE JUST SO GOOD.

THEY ARE... THEY'RE JUST SO GOOD. FRANKEN AND DAVIS, WE HAVE.

GOOD. FRANKEN AND DAVIS, WE HAVE. I MEAN, AS FAR AS I'M CONCERNED,

FRANKEN AND DAVIS, WE HAVE. I MEAN, AS FAR AS I'M CONCERNED, EVERYTHING'S GREAT APART FROM

I MEAN, AS FAR AS I'M CONCERNED, EVERYTHING'S GREAT APART FROM THE FACT THAT I HAVE THE WRONG

EVERYTHING'S GREAT APART FROM THE FACT THAT I HAVE THE WRONG SOCKS.

THE FACT THAT I HAVE THE WRONG SOCKS. STILL, THIS IS NOT A PROBLEM.

SOCKS. STILL, THIS IS NOT A PROBLEM. THIS IS JUST... NO, NO, THIS IS

STILL, THIS IS NOT A PROBLEM. THIS IS JUST... NO, NO, THIS IS JUST BETWEEN ME AND...

THIS IS JUST... NO, NO, THIS IS JUST BETWEEN ME AND... [HIGH-PITCHED LAUGHTER]

JUST BETWEEN ME AND... [HIGH-PITCHED LAUGHTER] IS THAT MY MOTHER UP THERE?

[HIGH-PITCHED LAUGHTER] IS THAT MY MOTHER UP THERE? THIS IS JUST BETWEEN ME AND NBC.

IS THAT MY MOTHER UP THERE? THIS IS JUST BETWEEN ME AND NBC. IT'S A LITTLE PROBLEM, A LITTLE

THIS IS JUST BETWEEN ME AND NBC. IT'S A LITTLE PROBLEM, A LITTLE LOCAL PROBLEM NEED NOT AFFECT

IT'S A LITTLE PROBLEM, A LITTLE LOCAL PROBLEM NEED NOT AFFECT YOU AT ALL.

LOCAL PROBLEM NEED NOT AFFECT YOU AT ALL. NO, I JUST... I MEAN, I REALLY

YOU AT ALL. NO, I JUST... I MEAN, I REALLY CAN'T WAIT BECAUSE I WANT TO GET

NO, I JUST... I MEAN, I REALLY CAN'T WAIT BECAUSE I WANT TO GET ON WITH THE SHOW BECAUSE, AS I

CAN'T WAIT BECAUSE I WANT TO GET ON WITH THE SHOW BECAUSE, AS I SAID, THE STUFF I'VE SEEN

ON WITH THE SHOW BECAUSE, AS I SAID, THE STUFF I'VE SEEN REALLY... I MEAN, THE ONLY THING

SAID, THE STUFF I'VE SEEN REALLY... I MEAN, THE ONLY THING ABOUT THE SOCKS THAT REALLY GETS

REALLY... I MEAN, THE ONLY THING ABOUT THE SOCKS THAT REALLY GETS ME IS... NO, NO, I'LL JUST TELL

ABOUT THE SOCKS THAT REALLY GETS ME IS... NO, NO, I'LL JUST TELL YOU... YOU KNOW, IS THAT I

ME IS... NO, NO, I'LL JUST TELL YOU... YOU KNOW, IS THAT I HAVE... I HAVE A PROBLEM IN THAT

YOU... YOU KNOW, IS THAT I HAVE... I HAVE A PROBLEM IN THAT AREA, WHICH IS THAT I HAVE AN

HAVE... I HAVE A PROBLEM IN THAT AREA, WHICH IS THAT I HAVE AN ALLERGY.

AREA, WHICH IS THAT I HAVE AN ALLERGY. I HAVE AN ALLERGY TO WOOL.

ALLERGY. I HAVE AN ALLERGY TO WOOL. NOW, OKAY, YOU KNOW, CERTAIN

I HAVE AN ALLERGY TO WOOL. NOW, OKAY, YOU KNOW, CERTAIN SOCKS ARE MADE OF WOOL, SO WHEN

NOW, OKAY, YOU KNOW, CERTAIN SOCKS ARE MADE OF WOOL, SO WHEN I, YOU KNOW, NEGOTIATED FOR THE

SOCKS ARE MADE OF WOOL, SO WHEN I, YOU KNOW, NEGOTIATED FOR THE CONTRACT, THEY SAID, "COME OVER

I, YOU KNOW, NEGOTIATED FOR THE CONTRACT, THEY SAID, "COME OVER HERE.

CONTRACT, THEY SAID, "COME OVER HERE. WE WANT YOU TO DO THE SHOW."

HERE. WE WANT YOU TO DO THE SHOW." I SAID, "FINE, BUT, OBVIOUSLY,

WE WANT YOU TO DO THE SHOW." I SAID, "FINE, BUT, OBVIOUSLY, I'D LIKE TO, IF POSSIBLE, IF

I SAID, "FINE, BUT, OBVIOUSLY, I'D LIKE TO, IF POSSIBLE, IF IT'S AT ALL POSSIBLE, NOT TO

I'D LIKE TO, IF POSSIBLE, IF IT'S AT ALL POSSIBLE, NOT TO HAVE WOOL SOCKS."

IT'S AT ALL POSSIBLE, NOT TO HAVE WOOL SOCKS." YOU KNOW, I DON'T LIKE TO SAY,

HAVE WOOL SOCKS." YOU KNOW, I DON'T LIKE TO SAY, "MICHAEL PALIN SAYS HE WILL DO

YOU KNOW, I DON'T LIKE TO SAY, "MICHAEL PALIN SAYS HE WILL DO THE SHOW PROVIDED HE DOESN'T

"MICHAEL PALIN SAYS HE WILL DO THE SHOW PROVIDED HE DOESN'T HAVE WOOL SOCKS."

THE SHOW PROVIDED HE DOESN'T HAVE WOOL SOCKS." I DIDN'T WANT TO SAY THAT.

HAVE WOOL SOCKS." I DIDN'T WANT TO SAY THAT. BUT I WROTE A LITTLE LETTER, AND

I DIDN'T WANT TO SAY THAT. BUT I WROTE A LITTLE LETTER, AND I SPOKE TO SOMEONE ON THE PHONE.

BUT I WROTE A LITTLE LETTER, AND I SPOKE TO SOMEONE ON THE PHONE. THEY SAID, "FINE, YOU WON'T HAVE

I SPOKE TO SOMEONE ON THE PHONE. THEY SAID, "FINE, YOU WON'T HAVE ANY WOOL SOCKS.

THEY SAID, "FINE, YOU WON'T HAVE ANY WOOL SOCKS. WE'LL GET RAYON, TERYLENE,

ANY WOOL SOCKS. WE'LL GET RAYON, TERYLENE, ORLON, SOMETHING LIKE THAT."

WE'LL GET RAYON, TERYLENE, ORLON, SOMETHING LIKE THAT." JUST SO THAT... NOTHING MUCH,

ORLON, SOMETHING LIKE THAT." JUST SO THAT... NOTHING MUCH, BUT IT JUST HELPS MY COMFORT

JUST SO THAT... NOTHING MUCH, BUT IT JUST HELPS MY COMFORT DURING THE SHOW.

BUT IT JUST HELPS MY COMFORT DURING THE SHOW. AND IF I DO WEAR WOOL SOCKS,

DURING THE SHOW. AND IF I DO WEAR WOOL SOCKS, THEN THINGS GET A LITTLE SORT OF

AND IF I DO WEAR WOOL SOCKS, THEN THINGS GET A LITTLE SORT OF UNCOMFORTABLE.

THEN THINGS GET A LITTLE SORT OF UNCOMFORTABLE. ANYWAY, SO I THOUGHT, "LEAVE IT

UNCOMFORTABLE. ANYWAY, SO I THOUGHT, "LEAVE IT AT THAT."

ANYWAY, SO I THOUGHT, "LEAVE IT AT THAT." FINE, YOU KNOW, IT'S GREAT.

AT THAT." FINE, YOU KNOW, IT'S GREAT. I COME IN TODAY.

FINE, YOU KNOW, IT'S GREAT. I COME IN TODAY. I PASS A STORE ON THE WAY IN

I COME IN TODAY. I PASS A STORE ON THE WAY IN SELLING RAYON, TERYLENE, ORLON

I PASS A STORE ON THE WAY IN SELLING RAYON, TERYLENE, ORLON SOCKS, ALL ON A SALE.

SELLING RAYON, TERYLENE, ORLON SOCKS, ALL ON A SALE. I COME IN TODAY, THERE'S NOT A

SOCKS, ALL ON A SALE. I COME IN TODAY, THERE'S NOT A SOCK IN THE BUILDING WHICH

I COME IN TODAY, THERE'S NOT A SOCK IN THE BUILDING WHICH DOESN'T HAVE PURE LAMB'S WOOL ON

SOCK IN THE BUILDING WHICH DOESN'T HAVE PURE LAMB'S WOOL ON IT.

DOESN'T HAVE PURE LAMB'S WOOL ON IT. YOU KNOW, IT'S... IT'S A SILLY

IT. YOU KNOW, IT'S... IT'S A SILLY THING, ANYWAY.

YOU KNOW, IT'S... IT'S A SILLY THING, ANYWAY. ANYWAY...

THING, ANYWAY. ANYWAY... NO, I TELL YOU, THE SHOW

ANYWAY... NO, I TELL YOU, THE SHOW TONIGHT... JUST A FORETASTE,

NO, I TELL YOU, THE SHOW TONIGHT... JUST A FORETASTE, REALLY, WAS DANNY'S BIT THERE.

TONIGHT... JUST A FORETASTE, REALLY, WAS DANNY'S BIT THERE. THERE ARE SOME TREMENDOUS THINGS

REALLY, WAS DANNY'S BIT THERE. THERE ARE SOME TREMENDOUS THINGS TO COME.

THERE ARE SOME TREMENDOUS THINGS TO COME. AND I, YOU KNOW, I DON'T WANT TO

TO COME. AND I, YOU KNOW, I DON'T WANT TO CARRY ON, BUT JUST LET ME SAY

AND I, YOU KNOW, I DON'T WANT TO CARRY ON, BUT JUST LET ME SAY THIS... WITH A SHOW AS GOOD AS

CARRY ON, BUT JUST LET ME SAY THIS... WITH A SHOW AS GOOD AS THIS, IT'S JUST A PITY THAT THEY

THIS... WITH A SHOW AS GOOD AS THIS, IT'S JUST A PITY THAT THEY COULDN'T HAVE RUN POSSIBLY TO

THIS, IT'S JUST A PITY THAT THEY COULDN'T HAVE RUN POSSIBLY TO SOMETHING IN THE HOSIERY AREA.

COULDN'T HAVE RUN POSSIBLY TO SOMETHING IN THE HOSIERY AREA. THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN A LITTLE

SOMETHING IN THE HOSIERY AREA. THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN A LITTLE BETTER, YOU KNOW.

THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN A LITTLE BETTER, YOU KNOW. NBC, RCA... THEY OWN MOST OF

BETTER, YOU KNOW. NBC, RCA... THEY OWN MOST OF AMERICA.

NBC, RCA... THEY OWN MOST OF AMERICA. YOU KNOW, THEY SEND ME BY

AMERICA. YOU KNOW, THEY SEND ME BY CONCORDE.

YOU KNOW, THEY SEND ME BY CONCORDE. THEY SEND A LIMOUSINE, YOU KNOW,

CONCORDE. THEY SEND A LIMOUSINE, YOU KNOW, A LIMOUSINE WITH A STEREO,

THEY SEND A LIMOUSINE, YOU KNOW, A LIMOUSINE WITH A STEREO, GIN AND TONICS IN THE BACK.

A LIMOUSINE WITH A STEREO, GIN AND TONICS IN THE BACK. THEY TAKE ME TO THE HOTEL.

GIN AND TONICS IN THE BACK. THEY TAKE ME TO THE HOTEL. THEY DRIVE ME AROUND HERE.

THEY TAKE ME TO THE HOTEL. THEY DRIVE ME AROUND HERE. THEY GIVE ME A LOVELY DRESSING

THEY DRIVE ME AROUND HERE. THEY GIVE ME A LOVELY DRESSING ROOM WITH DRINKS AND EVERYTHING

THEY GIVE ME A LOVELY DRESSING ROOM WITH DRINKS AND EVERYTHING LIKE THAT AND CHEESE AND ALL

ROOM WITH DRINKS AND EVERYTHING LIKE THAT AND CHEESE AND ALL THAT.

LIKE THAT AND CHEESE AND ALL THAT. BUT, YEAH, I DON'T GET THE

THAT. BUT, YEAH, I DON'T GET THE SOCKS.

BUT, YEAH, I DON'T GET THE SOCKS. STILL...

SOCKS. STILL... YOU KNOW, I... IT'S JUST A PITY

STILL... YOU KNOW, I... IT'S JUST A PITY 'CAUSE IT'S ALL SO GOOD.

YOU KNOW, I... IT'S JUST A PITY 'CAUSE IT'S ALL SO GOOD. I WON'T SAY ANYMORE.

'CAUSE IT'S ALL SO GOOD. I WON'T SAY ANYMORE. JUST, UM, ENJOY THE SHOW, AND

I WON'T SAY ANYMORE. JUST, UM, ENJOY THE SHOW, AND WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

[GROANING] BOY, YOUR MOM SURE HAS A WAY WITH BEANS AND FRANKS.

BOY, YOUR MOM SURE HAS A WAY WITH BEANS AND FRANKS. [GROANS]

WITH BEANS AND FRANKS. [GROANS] STUFFED.

[GROANS] STUFFED. ME, TOO.

STUFFED. ME, TOO. SOMETIMES I FEEL GUILTY HAVING

ME, TOO. SOMETIMES I FEEL GUILTY HAVING SO MUCH WHEN THERE'S SO MANY

SOMETIMES I FEEL GUILTY HAVING SO MUCH WHEN THERE'S SO MANY LITTLE CHILDREN OVER IN EUROPE,

SO MUCH WHEN THERE'S SO MANY LITTLE CHILDREN OVER IN EUROPE, STARVING.

LITTLE CHILDREN OVER IN EUROPE, STARVING. WELL, YOU KNOW, LISA, YOU

STARVING. WELL, YOU KNOW, LISA, YOU COULD USE A COUPLE OF CARE

WELL, YOU KNOW, LISA, YOU COULD USE A COUPLE OF CARE PACKAGES YOURSELF FOR YOUR

COULD USE A COUPLE OF CARE PACKAGES YOURSELF FOR YOUR DEPRESSED AREAS.

PACKAGES YOURSELF FOR YOUR DEPRESSED AREAS. SERIOUSLY, I GET DEPRESSED JUST

DEPRESSED AREAS. SERIOUSLY, I GET DEPRESSED JUST LOOKING AT THEM.

SERIOUSLY, I GET DEPRESSED JUST LOOKING AT THEM. YEAH, THAT'S SO FUNNY, I

LOOKING AT THEM. YEAH, THAT'S SO FUNNY, I FORGOT TO LAUGH.

YEAH, THAT'S SO FUNNY, I FORGOT TO LAUGH. UH-OH, NOOGIE AIRLIFT.

FORGOT TO LAUGH. UH-OH, NOOGIE AIRLIFT. OH, STOP IT, TODD.

UH-OH, NOOGIE AIRLIFT. OH, STOP IT, TODD. THERE'S SOME OF THOSE

OH, STOP IT, TODD. THERE'S SOME OF THOSE DESPERATELY NEEDED NOOGIES

THERE'S SOME OF THOSE DESPERATELY NEEDED NOOGIES DONATED BY THE SCHOOLCHILDREN OF

DESPERATELY NEEDED NOOGIES DONATED BY THE SCHOOLCHILDREN OF AMERICA RIGHT HERE.

DONATED BY THE SCHOOLCHILDREN OF AMERICA RIGHT HERE. [SNORTS]

AMERICA RIGHT HERE. [SNORTS] STOP.

[SNORTS] STOP. CUT IT... CUT IT OUT, PIZZA

STOP. CUT IT... CUT IT OUT, PIZZA FACE.

CUT IT... CUT IT OUT, PIZZA FACE. I WANT TO LOOK ALL RIGHT.

FACE. I WANT TO LOOK ALL RIGHT. MR. BRIGHTON'S COMING OVER FOR

I WANT TO LOOK ALL RIGHT. MR. BRIGHTON'S COMING OVER FOR MY PIANO LESSON.

MR. BRIGHTON'S COMING OVER FOR MY PIANO LESSON. MR. BRIGHTON.

MY PIANO LESSON. MR. BRIGHTON. [GAGS] WHAT A PERVERT.

MR. BRIGHTON. [GAGS] WHAT A PERVERT. HE'S NOT A PERVERT.

[GAGS] WHAT A PERVERT. HE'S NOT A PERVERT. HE'S AN ARTIST, AND HE'S

HE'S NOT A PERVERT. HE'S AN ARTIST, AND HE'S ENGLISH.

HE'S AN ARTIST, AND HE'S ENGLISH. YEAH, WELL, HE MAY BE

ENGLISH. YEAH, WELL, HE MAY BE ENGLISH, BUT HE HAS

YEAH, WELL, HE MAY BE ENGLISH, BUT HE HAS RUSSIAN [rushin'] HANDS AND

ENGLISH, BUT HE HAS RUSSIAN [rushin'] HANDS AND ROMAN [roamin'] FINGERS, MY

RUSSIAN [rushin'] HANDS AND ROMAN [roamin'] FINGERS, MY DEAR.

ROMAN [roamin'] FINGERS, MY DEAR. OH, STOP IT, TODD.

DEAR. OH, STOP IT, TODD. YOU'RE JUST THINKING ABOUT THE

OH, STOP IT, TODD. YOU'RE JUST THINKING ABOUT THE TIME WHEN HE TRIED TO KISS ME

YOU'RE JUST THINKING ABOUT THE TIME WHEN HE TRIED TO KISS ME AND EVERYTHING.

TIME WHEN HE TRIED TO KISS ME AND EVERYTHING. BUT THAT WAS ONLY 'CAUSE HE WAS

AND EVERYTHING. BUT THAT WAS ONLY 'CAUSE HE WAS SWEPT AWAY BY THE PASSION OF MY

BUT THAT WAS ONLY 'CAUSE HE WAS SWEPT AWAY BY THE PASSION OF MY PLAYING.

SWEPT AWAY BY THE PASSION OF MY PLAYING. [SNIFFLES]

PLAYING. [SNIFFLES] P.U.!

[SNIFFLES] P.U.! SOMEBODY CUT THE CHEESE.

STOP IT, TODD. HE... HE, WHO SMELT IT DEALT IT. YEAH.

HE... HE, WHO SMELT IT DEALT IT. YEAH. ♪ AH, BEANS, BEANS,

YEAH. ♪ AH, BEANS, BEANS, THE MUSICAL FRUIT ♪

♪ AH, BEANS, BEANS, THE MUSICAL FRUIT ♪ ♪ THE MORE YOU EAT, THE MORE

THE MUSICAL FRUIT ♪ ♪ THE MORE YOU EAT, THE MORE YOU PBHT! ♪

♪ THE MORE YOU EAT, THE MORE YOU PBHT! ♪ SHUT UP, TODD, SHUT UP.

YOU PBHT! ♪ SHUT UP, TODD, SHUT UP. WHY DON'T YOU LIGHT A MATCH OR

SHUT UP, TODD, SHUT UP. WHY DON'T YOU LIGHT A MATCH OR SOMETHING?

WHY DON'T YOU LIGHT A MATCH OR SOMETHING? ALL RIGHT.

SOMETHING? ALL RIGHT. [DOORBELL RINGS]

ALL RIGHT. [DOORBELL RINGS] OH, THERE HE IS.

[DOORBELL RINGS] OH, THERE HE IS. NOW, IF YOU EMBARRASS ME, I'LL

OH, THERE HE IS. NOW, IF YOU EMBARRASS ME, I'LL MURDERLIZE YOU.

NOW, IF YOU EMBARRASS ME, I'LL MURDERLIZE YOU. THE FOOT.

MURDERLIZE YOU. THE FOOT. HELLO, MR. BRIGHTON.

THE FOOT. HELLO, MR. BRIGHTON. HELLO, LISA.

HELLO, MR. BRIGHTON. HELLO, LISA. HOW'S MY FAVORITE PUPIL?

HELLO, LISA. HOW'S MY FAVORITE PUPIL? [LAUGHS]

HOW'S MY FAVORITE PUPIL? [LAUGHS] FINE, MR. BRIGHTON.

[LAUGHS] FINE, MR. BRIGHTON. YOU KNOW, YOU'RE WASTING YOUR

FINE, MR. BRIGHTON. YOU KNOW, YOU'RE WASTING YOUR MONEY ON PIANO LESSONS, LISA.

YOU KNOW, YOU'RE WASTING YOUR MONEY ON PIANO LESSONS, LISA. HERE, I'LL TEACH YOU HOW TO PLAY

MONEY ON PIANO LESSONS, LISA. HERE, I'LL TEACH YOU HOW TO PLAY BY EAR.

HERE, I'LL TEACH YOU HOW TO PLAY BY EAR. LOOK AT THIS.

BY EAR. LOOK AT THIS. [PIANO PLAYING OFF-KEY]

LOOK AT THIS. [PIANO PLAYING OFF-KEY] MOM! MOM!

[PIANO PLAYING OFF-KEY] MOM! MOM! [OFF-KEY PLAYING CONTINUES]

MOM! MOM! [OFF-KEY PLAYING CONTINUES] TODD'S DOING IT AGAIN.

[OFF-KEY PLAYING CONTINUES] TODD'S DOING IT AGAIN. OH, TODD, DEAR, COULD YOU

TODD'S DOING IT AGAIN. OH, TODD, DEAR, COULD YOU COME DOWN TO THE LAUNDRY ROOM

OH, TODD, DEAR, COULD YOU COME DOWN TO THE LAUNDRY ROOM AND HELP ME FOLD THE CONTOUR

COME DOWN TO THE LAUNDRY ROOM AND HELP ME FOLD THE CONTOUR SHEETS?

AND HELP ME FOLD THE CONTOUR SHEETS? COMING, MRS. LOOPNER.

HERE, LISA, I BROUGHT THE SHEET MUSIC YOU ASKED FOR. OH, OH, "THE WAY WE WERE" BY

SHEET MUSIC YOU ASKED FOR. OH, OH, "THE WAY WE WERE" BY MY IDOL, MARVIN HAMLISCH.

OH, OH, "THE WAY WE WERE" BY MY IDOL, MARVIN HAMLISCH. [GASPS]

MY IDOL, MARVIN HAMLISCH. [GASPS] OH, DO YOU THINK... OH, DO YOU

[GASPS] OH, DO YOU THINK... OH, DO YOU THINK I COULD LEARN TO PLAY IT

OH, DO YOU THINK... OH, DO YOU THINK I COULD LEARN TO PLAY IT BY MY NEXT-WEEK RECITAL?

THINK I COULD LEARN TO PLAY IT BY MY NEXT-WEEK RECITAL? WELL, WE'D HAVE TO WORK VERY

BY MY NEXT-WEEK RECITAL? WELL, WE'D HAVE TO WORK VERY CLOSELY.

WELL, WE'D HAVE TO WORK VERY CLOSELY. UH, LET ME JUST TRY IT RIGHT

CLOSELY. UH, LET ME JUST TRY IT RIGHT NOW.

UH, LET ME JUST TRY IT RIGHT NOW. I'LL START WORKING ON IT.

NOW. I'LL START WORKING ON IT. [PIANO PLAYING OFF-KEY]

IS THAT GOOD, MR. BRIGHTON? YES, LISA. LISA...

YES, LISA. LISA... YOU STIR MY MANHOOD.

LISA... YOU STIR MY MANHOOD. WHAT, MR. BRIGHTON?

YOU STIR MY MANHOOD. WHAT, MR. BRIGHTON? [HACKING]

WHAT, MR. BRIGHTON? [HACKING] AH.

[HACKING] AH. [CLEARS THROAT]

AH. [CLEARS THROAT] I'M SORRY TO INTERRUPT YOU,

[CLEARS THROAT] I'M SORRY TO INTERRUPT YOU, BUT THE MUSIC DREW ME LIKE

I'M SORRY TO INTERRUPT YOU, BUT THE MUSIC DREW ME LIKE A MAGNET.

BUT THE MUSIC DREW ME LIKE A MAGNET. AND I HAD TO ASK MYSELF, "ENID,

A MAGNET. AND I HAD TO ASK MYSELF, "ENID, IS THAT YOUR DAUGHTER, LISA,

AND I HAD TO ASK MYSELF, "ENID, IS THAT YOUR DAUGHTER, LISA, PLAYING OR IS THAT THE

IS THAT YOUR DAUGHTER, LISA, PLAYING OR IS THAT THE PIED PIPER OF HAMLISCH?"

PLAYING OR IS THAT THE PIED PIPER OF HAMLISCH?" [LAUGHTER]

PIED PIPER OF HAMLISCH?" [LAUGHTER] IF THERE'S ONE THING I LIKE

[LAUGHTER] IF THERE'S ONE THING I LIKE BETTER THAN FINE MUSIC,

IF THERE'S ONE THING I LIKE BETTER THAN FINE MUSIC, MRS. LOOPNER, IT'S BRILLIANT

BETTER THAN FINE MUSIC, MRS. LOOPNER, IT'S BRILLIANT WIT.

MRS. LOOPNER, IT'S BRILLIANT WIT. [LAUGHS]

WIT. [LAUGHS] OH, FLATTERY WILL GET YOU

[LAUGHS] OH, FLATTERY WILL GET YOU EVERYWHERE, MR. BRIGHTON.

OH, FLATTERY WILL GET YOU EVERYWHERE, MR. BRIGHTON. HELP, I CAN'T SEE.

EVERYWHERE, MR. BRIGHTON. HELP, I CAN'T SEE. THESE GOGGLES ARE DEFECTIVE

HELP, I CAN'T SEE. THESE GOGGLES ARE DEFECTIVE SOMEHOW.

THESE GOGGLES ARE DEFECTIVE SOMEHOW. I CAN'T SEE A THING.

SOMEHOW. I CAN'T SEE A THING. OH, TODD, YOUR BRAIN IS

I CAN'T SEE A THING. OH, TODD, YOUR BRAIN IS DEFECTIVE.

OH, TODD, YOUR BRAIN IS DEFECTIVE. AND BESIDES, THAT'S MY MOM'S

DEFECTIVE. AND BESIDES, THAT'S MY MOM'S BRA.

AND BESIDES, THAT'S MY MOM'S BRA. OH, OOPS, IT APPEARS I'VE

BRA. OH, OOPS, IT APPEARS I'VE MADE A GRAVE ERROR IN TASTE AND

OH, OOPS, IT APPEARS I'VE MADE A GRAVE ERROR IN TASTE AND JUDGMENT, MRS. LOOPNER.

MADE A GRAVE ERROR IN TASTE AND JUDGMENT, MRS. LOOPNER. 40 LASHES WITH A WET NOODLE,

JUDGMENT, MRS. LOOPNER. 40 LASHES WITH A WET NOODLE, YOUNG MAN.

40 LASHES WITH A WET NOODLE, YOUNG MAN. DON'T WORRY, MOM, I'LL MAKE

YOUNG MAN. DON'T WORRY, MOM, I'LL MAKE SURE HE PUTS IT BACK WHERE HE

DON'T WORRY, MOM, I'LL MAKE SURE HE PUTS IT BACK WHERE HE FOUND IT.

SURE HE PUTS IT BACK WHERE HE FOUND IT. COME ON, TODD.

FOUND IT. COME ON, TODD. GET OUT OF HERE.

COME ON, TODD. GET OUT OF HERE. OH, THOSE KIDS AND THEIR

GET OUT OF HERE. OH, THOSE KIDS AND THEIR HORMONES... THEY RUN ME RAGGED.

OH, THOSE KIDS AND THEIR HORMONES... THEY RUN ME RAGGED. PUBERTY ONLY KNOCKS ONCE,

HORMONES... THEY RUN ME RAGGED. PUBERTY ONLY KNOCKS ONCE, ENID.

PUBERTY ONLY KNOCKS ONCE, ENID. AND IF YOU'RE SMART, YOU'LL

ENID. AND IF YOU'RE SMART, YOU'LL INVITE IT IN AND GIVE IT A CUP

AND IF YOU'RE SMART, YOU'LL INVITE IT IN AND GIVE IT A CUP OF COFFEE.

INVITE IT IN AND GIVE IT A CUP OF COFFEE. OH, I GUESS I WAS OUT

OF COFFEE. OH, I GUESS I WAS OUT WHEN PUBERTY DROPPED BY.

OH, I GUESS I WAS OUT WHEN PUBERTY DROPPED BY. [BOTH LAUGH]

WHEN PUBERTY DROPPED BY. [BOTH LAUGH] OH, DID I EVER SHOW YOU THIS

[BOTH LAUGH] OH, DID I EVER SHOW YOU THIS PICTURE OF MY LATE HUSBAND,

OH, DID I EVER SHOW YOU THIS PICTURE OF MY LATE HUSBAND, MARSHALL?

PICTURE OF MY LATE HUSBAND, MARSHALL? [LAUGHS]

MARSHALL? [LAUGHS] GOD REST HIS SOUL.

[LAUGHS] GOD REST HIS SOUL. HERE WE ARE ON OUR THIRD

GOD REST HIS SOUL. HERE WE ARE ON OUR THIRD ANNIVERSARY.

HERE WE ARE ON OUR THIRD ANNIVERSARY. W-WHY IS HE CURLED UP IN THE

ANNIVERSARY. W-WHY IS HE CURLED UP IN THE DOGGIE BASKET LIKE THAT?

W-WHY IS HE CURLED UP IN THE DOGGIE BASKET LIKE THAT? OH, THE LATE MR. LOOPNER WAS

DOGGIE BASKET LIKE THAT? OH, THE LATE MR. LOOPNER WAS BORN WITHOUT A SPINE.

OH, THE LATE MR. LOOPNER WAS BORN WITHOUT A SPINE. OH.

BORN WITHOUT A SPINE. OH. NO WONDER HE HAS THE POSTURE OF

OH. NO WONDER HE HAS THE POSTURE OF A BOILED SHRIMP.

NO WONDER HE HAS THE POSTURE OF A BOILED SHRIMP. [CHUCKLES]

A BOILED SHRIMP. [CHUCKLES] I-I MEAN, I SUPPOSE HE... I

[CHUCKLES] I-I MEAN, I SUPPOSE HE... I SUPPOSE HE DIDN'T GET MUCH

I-I MEAN, I SUPPOSE HE... I SUPPOSE HE DIDN'T GET MUCH EXERCISE.

SUPPOSE HE DIDN'T GET MUCH EXERCISE. OH, JUST A LITTLE YOGA.

EXERCISE. OH, JUST A LITTLE YOGA. ENID.

OH, JUST A LITTLE YOGA. ENID. ENID, STOP LIVING IN THE PAST.

ENID. ENID, STOP LIVING IN THE PAST. [LAUGHING] OH, WELL...

ENID, STOP LIVING IN THE PAST. [LAUGHING] OH, WELL... YOU'VE BEEN ALONE TOO LONG.

[LAUGHING] OH, WELL... YOU'VE BEEN ALONE TOO LONG. YOU'RE A WOMAN, ENID, A FEELING,

YOU'VE BEEN ALONE TOO LONG. YOU'RE A WOMAN, ENID, A FEELING, SENSUAL ANIMAL.

YOU'RE A WOMAN, ENID, A FEELING, SENSUAL ANIMAL. WHAT ABOUT YOUR NEEDS?

SENSUAL ANIMAL. WHAT ABOUT YOUR NEEDS? OH, I GET PLENTY OF IRON.

WHAT ABOUT YOUR NEEDS? OH, I GET PLENTY OF IRON. OH, ENID, COME OUT OF YOUR

OH, I GET PLENTY OF IRON. OH, ENID, COME OUT OF YOUR SHELL.

OH, ENID, COME OUT OF YOUR SHELL. LET YOUR HAIR DOWN.

SHELL. LET YOUR HAIR DOWN. [Laughing] OH, NO.

LET YOUR HAIR DOWN. [Laughing] OH, NO. TAKE OFF THOSE GLASSES.

[Laughing] OH, NO. TAKE OFF THOSE GLASSES. ENID.

TAKE OFF THOSE GLASSES. ENID. ENID, YOU'RE...

ENID. ENID, YOU'RE... YOU'RE... SQUINTING.

ENID, YOU'RE... YOU'RE... SQUINTING. WELL, I CAN'T SEE A DARN

YOU'RE... SQUINTING. WELL, I CAN'T SEE A DARN THING.

WELL, I CAN'T SEE A DARN THING. OH, ENID, YOU STIR MY

THING. OH, ENID, YOU STIR MY MANHOOD.

OH, ENID, YOU STIR MY MANHOOD. [LAUGHING]

MANHOOD. [LAUGHING] NO, STOP!

[LAUGHING] NO, STOP! IS HE MOLESTING YOU,

NO, STOP! IS HE MOLESTING YOU, MRS. LOOPNER?

IS HE MOLESTING YOU, MRS. LOOPNER? MOM, ARE YOU OKAY?

MRS. LOOPNER? MOM, ARE YOU OKAY? OH, OH, RELAX, KID.

MOM, ARE YOU OKAY? OH, OH, RELAX, KID. IT'S JUST MR. BRIGHTON JUST

OH, OH, RELAX, KID. IT'S JUST MR. BRIGHTON JUST TRYING TO SHAKE MY HORMONES

IT'S JUST MR. BRIGHTON JUST TRYING TO SHAKE MY HORMONES LOOSE.

TRYING TO SHAKE MY HORMONES LOOSE. BUT DON'T WORRY... THEY'RE STILL

LOOSE. BUT DON'T WORRY... THEY'RE STILL STUCK.

BUT DON'T WORRY... THEY'RE STILL STUCK. HOW'D YOU DO?

STUCK. HOW'D YOU DO? DID YOU GET ANYTHING?

HOW'D YOU DO? DID YOU GET ANYTHING? I-I'M SORRY.

DID YOU GET ANYTHING? I-I'M SORRY. I DON'T KNOW WHAT CAME OVER ME.

I-I'M SORRY. I DON'T KNOW WHAT CAME OVER ME. I-I GOT CARRIED AWAY.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT CAME OVER ME. I-I GOT CARRIED AWAY. I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING

I-I GOT CARRIED AWAY. I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT, MAN.

I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT, MAN. THESE LOOPNERS ARE

ABOUT, MAN. THESE LOOPNERS ARE DYNAMITE-LOOKING DAMES, REAL

THESE LOOPNERS ARE DYNAMITE-LOOKING DAMES, REAL LOOKERS.

DYNAMITE-LOOKING DAMES, REAL LOOKERS. IT'S HARD TO KEEP YOUR HANDS OFF

LOOKERS. IT'S HARD TO KEEP YOUR HANDS OFF THEM.

IT'S HARD TO KEEP YOUR HANDS OFF THEM. NO, IT'S NOT THEM.

THEM. NO, IT'S NOT THEM. THEY'RE NOT EVEN THAT

NO, IT'S NOT THEM. THEY'RE NOT EVEN THAT ATTRACTIVE.

THEY'RE NOT EVEN THAT ATTRACTIVE. IT'S ME.

ATTRACTIVE. IT'S ME. I'VE... I'VE NEVER TOLD YOU

IT'S ME. I'VE... I'VE NEVER TOLD YOU THIS, BUT YOU'RE THE ONLY PEOPLE

I'VE... I'VE NEVER TOLD YOU THIS, BUT YOU'RE THE ONLY PEOPLE THAT I KNOW IN AMERICA.

THIS, BUT YOU'RE THE ONLY PEOPLE THAT I KNOW IN AMERICA. LISA IS MY ONLY PUPIL.

THAT I KNOW IN AMERICA. LISA IS MY ONLY PUPIL. COUNT YOUR BLESSINGS,

LISA IS MY ONLY PUPIL. COUNT YOUR BLESSINGS, MR. BRIGHTON.

COUNT YOUR BLESSINGS, MR. BRIGHTON. AT LEAST YOU HAVE A SPINE.

MR. BRIGHTON. AT LEAST YOU HAVE A SPINE. MR. BRIGHTON, I HAVE A

AT LEAST YOU HAVE A SPINE. MR. BRIGHTON, I HAVE A MUSICAL MESSAGE FOR YOU.

MR. BRIGHTON, I HAVE A MUSICAL MESSAGE FOR YOU. [CLEARS THROAT]

MUSICAL MESSAGE FOR YOU. [CLEARS THROAT] ♪ ONE IS THE LONELIEST NUMBER

[CLEARS THROAT] ♪ ONE IS THE LONELIEST NUMBER THAT YOU'LL EVER DO ♪

♪ ONE IS THE LONELIEST NUMBER THAT YOU'LL EVER DO ♪ ♪ TWO CAN BE AS BAD AS ONE ♪

THAT YOU'LL EVER DO ♪ ♪ TWO CAN BE AS BAD AS ONE ♪ ♪ IT'S THE LONELIEST NUMBER

♪ TWO CAN BE AS BAD AS ONE ♪ ♪ IT'S THE LONELIEST NUMBER SINCE THE NUMBER ONE ♪

♪ IT'S THE LONELIEST NUMBER SINCE THE NUMBER ONE ♪ ♪ AH ♪

SINCE THE NUMBER ONE ♪ ♪ AH ♪ YOU KNOW, TODD, YOU HAVE A

♪ AH ♪ YOU KNOW, TODD, YOU HAVE A MUSICAL GIFT THAT'S VERY MOVING.

YOU KNOW, TODD, YOU HAVE A MUSICAL GIFT THAT'S VERY MOVING. IN FACT...

MUSICAL GIFT THAT'S VERY MOVING. IN FACT... YOU STIR MY MANHOOD, TODD.

IN FACT... YOU STIR MY MANHOOD, TODD. HAVE YOU EVER CONSIDERED PIANO

YOU STIR MY MANHOOD, TODD. HAVE YOU EVER CONSIDERED PIANO LESSONS?

GOOD EVENING, I'M JOAN FACE. WELCOME AGAIN TO "WHAT IF?" EACH WEEK ON THE SHOW, WE ASK A

WELCOME AGAIN TO "WHAT IF?" EACH WEEK ON THE SHOW, WE ASK A HYPOTHETICAL QUESTION ABOUT A

EACH WEEK ON THE SHOW, WE ASK A HYPOTHETICAL QUESTION ABOUT A SPECIFIC HISTORICAL EVENT.

HYPOTHETICAL QUESTION ABOUT A SPECIFIC HISTORICAL EVENT. TONIGHT'S QUESTION, LIKE ALL OUR

SPECIFIC HISTORICAL EVENT. TONIGHT'S QUESTION, LIKE ALL OUR QUESTIONS, COMES FROM A

TONIGHT'S QUESTION, LIKE ALL OUR QUESTIONS, COMES FROM A MR. KEVIN O'DONNELL, AGE 10, A

QUESTIONS, COMES FROM A MR. KEVIN O'DONNELL, AGE 10, A PAPERBOY FROM ALTON, ILLINOIS.

MR. KEVIN O'DONNELL, AGE 10, A PAPERBOY FROM ALTON, ILLINOIS. KEVIN ASKS, "WHAT IF SUPERMAN

PAPERBOY FROM ALTON, ILLINOIS. KEVIN ASKS, "WHAT IF SUPERMAN GREW UP IN GERMANY INSTEAD OF

KEVIN ASKS, "WHAT IF SUPERMAN GREW UP IN GERMANY INSTEAD OF AMERICA?"

GREW UP IN GERMANY INSTEAD OF AMERICA?" WITH US TO HELP ANSWER THIS

AMERICA?" WITH US TO HELP ANSWER THIS QUESTION IS OUR PANEL OF

WITH US TO HELP ANSWER THIS QUESTION IS OUR PANEL OF EXPERTS.

TONIGHT, BRIGADIER GENERAL

KEVIN TEMPLE FROM

EDWARDS AIR FORCE BASE AND

EILEEN HOUTON, PROFESSOR OF

MODERN HISTORY AT

WELLESLEY COLLEGE AND

OWNER OF ONE OF THE LARGEST

COMIC-BOOK COLLECTIONS IN THE

UNITED STATES.

PROFESSOR HOUTON, WHAT IF SUPERMAN GREW UP IN GERMANY INSTEAD OF AMERICA?

SUPERMAN GREW UP IN GERMANY INSTEAD OF AMERICA? WELL, JOAN, AS YOU KNOW,

INSTEAD OF AMERICA? WELL, JOAN, AS YOU KNOW, SUPERMAN'S FATHER, JOR-EL, SENT

WELL, JOAN, AS YOU KNOW, SUPERMAN'S FATHER, JOR-EL, SENT THE INFANT SUPERMAN FROM THE

SUPERMAN'S FATHER, JOR-EL, SENT THE INFANT SUPERMAN FROM THE PLANET KRYPTON TOWARD EARTH,

THE INFANT SUPERMAN FROM THE PLANET KRYPTON TOWARD EARTH, WHERE HE LANDED IN KANSAS

PLANET KRYPTON TOWARD EARTH, WHERE HE LANDED IN KANSAS SOMETIME AROUND 1930.

WHERE HE LANDED IN KANSAS SOMETIME AROUND 1930. SUPERMAN ADOPTED THE VALUES HELD

SOMETIME AROUND 1930. SUPERMAN ADOPTED THE VALUES HELD BY HIS NEW PARENTS, THE KENTS...

SUPERMAN ADOPTED THE VALUES HELD BY HIS NEW PARENTS, THE KENTS... TRUTH, JUSTICE, AND THE AMERICAN

BY HIS NEW PARENTS, THE KENTS... TRUTH, JUSTICE, AND THE AMERICAN WAY.

TRUTH, JUSTICE, AND THE AMERICAN WAY. NOW, HAD HE LANDED IN, SAY,

WAY. NOW, HAD HE LANDED IN, SAY, PRUSSIA, HE WOULD HAVE ADOPTED

NOW, HAD HE LANDED IN, SAY, PRUSSIA, HE WOULD HAVE ADOPTED ENTIRELY DIFFERENT VALUES.

PRUSSIA, HE WOULD HAVE ADOPTED ENTIRELY DIFFERENT VALUES. SO WHAT YOU'RE SAYING IS THAT

ENTIRELY DIFFERENT VALUES. SO WHAT YOU'RE SAYING IS THAT THE YOUNG SUPERMAN MAY WELL HAVE

SO WHAT YOU'RE SAYING IS THAT THE YOUNG SUPERMAN MAY WELL HAVE BECOME A NAZI.

THE YOUNG SUPERMAN MAY WELL HAVE BECOME A NAZI. EXACTLY.

BECOME A NAZI. EXACTLY. OF COURSE, WE SHOULD REMEMBER

EXACTLY. OF COURSE, WE SHOULD REMEMBER THAT AT THE TIME SUPERMAN WAS

OF COURSE, WE SHOULD REMEMBER THAT AT THE TIME SUPERMAN WAS REACHING MANHOOD, GERMANY WAS AT

THAT AT THE TIME SUPERMAN WAS REACHING MANHOOD, GERMANY WAS AT WAR WITH THE UNITED STATES.

REACHING MANHOOD, GERMANY WAS AT WAR WITH THE UNITED STATES. GENERAL, WHAT WOULD HAVE

WAR WITH THE UNITED STATES. GENERAL, WHAT WOULD HAVE HAPPENED IF THE MAN OF STEEL HAD

GENERAL, WHAT WOULD HAVE HAPPENED IF THE MAN OF STEEL HAD FOUGHT FOR THE THIRD REICH?

HAPPENED IF THE MAN OF STEEL HAD FOUGHT FOR THE THIRD REICH? SAY, WAIT A MINUTE.

FOUGHT FOR THE THIRD REICH? SAY, WAIT A MINUTE. WHY DIDN'T SUPERMAN FIGHT FOR

SAY, WAIT A MINUTE. WHY DIDN'T SUPERMAN FIGHT FOR US?

WHY DIDN'T SUPERMAN FIGHT FOR US? [LAUGHS]

US? [LAUGHS] NO, THIS IS A HYPOTHETICAL

[LAUGHS] NO, THIS IS A HYPOTHETICAL QUESTION, GENERAL.

NO, THIS IS A HYPOTHETICAL QUESTION, GENERAL. OH, YEAH, YEAH, I'M SORRY,

QUESTION, GENERAL. OH, YEAH, YEAH, I'M SORRY, I'M SORRY.

OH, YEAH, YEAH, I'M SORRY, I'M SORRY. UM...

I'M SORRY. UM... WELL, HERE'S TONIGHT'S

UM... WELL, HERE'S TONIGHT'S DRAMATIZATION OF "WHAT IF

WELL, HERE'S TONIGHT'S DRAMATIZATION OF "WHAT IF SUPERMAN GREW UP IN GERMANY

DRAMATIZATION OF "WHAT IF SUPERMAN GREW UP IN GERMANY INSTEAD OF AMERICA?"

NEIN, GERMAN SOLDIERS WILL

NEVER RETREAT FROM STALINGRAD.

THE RUSSIANS ARE SWINE... JUST

ONE STEP ABOVE THE POLES, TWO

STEPS ABOVE THE GYPSIES, FOUR

STEPS ABOVE THE HOMOSEXUALS,

FIVE AND A HALF STEPS ABOVE THE

NEGROES, NINE STEPS ABOVE THE

DWARVES, 15 STEPS ABOVE THE

GYPSY HOMOSEXUALS, 27 STEPS

ABOVE NEGRO-GYPSY-HOMOSEXUAL

POLES, AND 43 STEPS ABOVE THE

JEWS.

DID I MENTION THE HOMOSEXUAL JEWS? RIGHT, THE MEETING IS OVER.

JEWS? RIGHT, THE MEETING IS OVER. All: HEIL, HITLER.

RIGHT, THE MEETING IS OVER. All: HEIL, HITLER. WE MEET NEXT WEEK.

All: HEIL, HITLER. WE MEET NEXT WEEK. AND I DON'T WANT TO HEAR ANY BAD

WE MEET NEXT WEEK. AND I DON'T WANT TO HEAR ANY BAD NEWS.

AND I DON'T WANT TO HEAR ANY BAD NEWS. JA, JA.

NEWS. JA, JA. OH, JA.

JA, JA. OH, JA. GOOD DAY, MEIN FUHRER.

OH, JA. GOOD DAY, MEIN FUHRER. GOOD DAY, GOOD DAY.

GOOD DAY, MEIN FUHRER. GOOD DAY, GOOD DAY. ALL RIGHT.

GOOD DAY, GOOD DAY. ALL RIGHT. FRAU GUSTON, WHO IS WAITING TO

ALL RIGHT. FRAU GUSTON, WHO IS WAITING TO SEE ME?

FRAU GUSTON, WHO IS WAITING TO SEE ME? A WERNHER VON BRAUN,

SEE ME? A WERNHER VON BRAUN, COLONEL KLINK, AND THOSE THREE

A WERNHER VON BRAUN, COLONEL KLINK, AND THOSE THREE REPORTERS FROM THE DAILY PLANET.

COLONEL KLINK, AND THOSE THREE REPORTERS FROM THE DAILY PLANET. JAWOHL, SEND IN THE

REPORTERS FROM THE DAILY PLANET. JAWOHL, SEND IN THE REPORTERS.

JAWOHL, SEND IN THE REPORTERS. All: HEIL, HITLER.

REPORTERS. All: HEIL, HITLER. HEIL, HITLER.

All: HEIL, HITLER. HEIL, HITLER. WELL...

HEIL, HITLER. WELL... I WISH TO PERSONALLY PRAISE YOUR

WELL... I WISH TO PERSONALLY PRAISE YOUR PROPAGANDA WORK IN THE

I WISH TO PERSONALLY PRAISE YOUR PROPAGANDA WORK IN THE NEWSPAPER.

PROPAGANDA WORK IN THE NEWSPAPER. YOU MUST BE, UH...

NEWSPAPER. YOU MUST BE, UH... LOIS LANE-OFF, MEIN FUHRER.

YOU MUST BE, UH... LOIS LANE-OFF, MEIN FUHRER. MMM.

LOIS LANE-OFF, MEIN FUHRER. MMM. UND THIS IS JIMMY OLSTEYN.

MMM. UND THIS IS JIMMY OLSTEYN. OLSTEIN?

UND THIS IS JIMMY OLSTEYN. OLSTEIN? E-Y-N, MEIN FUHRER.

OLSTEIN? E-Y-N, MEIN FUHRER. DUTCH ANCESTORS ON THE FATHER'S

E-Y-N, MEIN FUHRER. DUTCH ANCESTORS ON THE FATHER'S SIDE.

DUTCH ANCESTORS ON THE FATHER'S SIDE. AH.

SIDE. AH. UND THIS IS KLAUS KENT.

AH. UND THIS IS KLAUS KENT. KLAUS KENT?

UND THIS IS KLAUS KENT. KLAUS KENT? ARE YOU THE MAN WHO BEAT

KLAUS KENT? ARE YOU THE MAN WHO BEAT JESSE OWENS IN '36?

ARE YOU THE MAN WHO BEAT JESSE OWENS IN '36? JA.

JESSE OWENS IN '36? JA. OH...

JA. OH... YOU, KLAUS?

OH... YOU, KLAUS? YOU'RE SUCH A CLUMSY BUMBLER.

YOU, KLAUS? YOU'RE SUCH A CLUMSY BUMBLER. WELL, LOIS, I WAS YOUNGER

YOU'RE SUCH A CLUMSY BUMBLER. WELL, LOIS, I WAS YOUNGER THEN.

WELL, LOIS, I WAS YOUNGER THEN. NOW I'M JUST A MILD-MANNERED

THEN. NOW I'M JUST A MILD-MANNERED CLERK FOR THE MINISTRY OF

NOW I'M JUST A MILD-MANNERED CLERK FOR THE MINISTRY OF PROPAGANDA.

CLERK FOR THE MINISTRY OF PROPAGANDA. [TICKING]

EXCUSE ME, MEIN FUHRER, IS THAT A JANITOR'S CLOSET? JA.

A JANITOR'S CLOSET? JA. EXCUSE ME FOR A MOMENT.

[WHIRRING] MY SON. MY SON.

MY SON. MY SON. I AM YOUR FATHER, JOR-EL.

MY SON. I AM YOUR FATHER, JOR-EL. YOUR MOTHER AND I SENT YOU TO

I AM YOUR FATHER, JOR-EL. YOUR MOTHER AND I SENT YOU TO EARTH AS THE ONLY SURVIVOR OF

YOUR MOTHER AND I SENT YOU TO EARTH AS THE ONLY SURVIVOR OF OUR PLANET, KRYPTON.

EARTH AS THE ONLY SURVIVOR OF OUR PLANET, KRYPTON. AS YOU HEAR THIS, I WILL HAVE

OUR PLANET, KRYPTON. AS YOU HEAR THIS, I WILL HAVE BEEN DEAD MANY CENTURIES.

AS YOU HEAR THIS, I WILL HAVE BEEN DEAD MANY CENTURIES. BUT I WILL BE REBORN AS

BEEN DEAD MANY CENTURIES. BUT I WILL BE REBORN AS CHARLIE RICH.

BUT I WILL BE REBORN AS CHARLIE RICH. ON THE PLANET EARTH, YOU WILL

CHARLIE RICH. ON THE PLANET EARTH, YOU WILL HAVE SPECIAL POWERS AND

ON THE PLANET EARTH, YOU WILL HAVE SPECIAL POWERS AND KNOWLEDGE WHICH WILL SEPARATE

HAVE SPECIAL POWERS AND KNOWLEDGE WHICH WILL SEPARATE YOU FROM MANKIND.

KNOWLEDGE WHICH WILL SEPARATE YOU FROM MANKIND. USE THESE POWERS ONLY FOR GOOD.

YOU FROM MANKIND. USE THESE POWERS ONLY FOR GOOD. AND ABOVE ALL, YOU MUST NEVER

USE THESE POWERS ONLY FOR GOOD. AND ABOVE ALL, YOU MUST NEVER TAMPER WITH THE DESTINY OF MAN.

AND ABOVE ALL, YOU MUST NEVER TAMPER WITH THE DESTINY OF MAN. AND DON'T EAT JUNK FOOD.

TAMPER WITH THE DESTINY OF MAN. AND DON'T EAT JUNK FOOD. [WHIRRING]

AND DON'T EAT JUNK FOOD. [WHIRRING] MY SON, WHEN YOUR SURROGATE

[WHIRRING] MY SON, WHEN YOUR SURROGATE MOTHER AND I FOUND YOU IN THE

MY SON, WHEN YOUR SURROGATE MOTHER AND I FOUND YOU IN THE BLACK FOREST, WE RAISED YOU AS

MOTHER AND I FOUND YOU IN THE BLACK FOREST, WE RAISED YOU AS OUR OWN.

BLACK FOREST, WE RAISED YOU AS OUR OWN. WE TAUGHT YOU HOW THE FATHERLAND

OUR OWN. WE TAUGHT YOU HOW THE FATHERLAND WAS STABBED IN THE BACK AT

WE TAUGHT YOU HOW THE FATHERLAND WAS STABBED IN THE BACK AT VERSAILLES, HOW JEWS ARE

WAS STABBED IN THE BACK AT VERSAILLES, HOW JEWS ARE PARASITES, AND HOW GERMANY WILL

VERSAILLES, HOW JEWS ARE PARASITES, AND HOW GERMANY WILL ONE DAY BRING ORDER TO THE

PARASITES, AND HOW GERMANY WILL ONE DAY BRING ORDER TO THE WORLD.

ONE DAY BRING ORDER TO THE WORLD. AND DON'T, SON, EVER LIFT THOSE

WORLD. AND DON'T, SON, EVER LIFT THOSE VOLKSWAGENS BY THE BUMPER...

AND DON'T, SON, EVER LIFT THOSE VOLKSWAGENS BY THE BUMPER... COME RIGHT OFF IN YOUR HANDS.

VOLKSWAGENS BY THE BUMPER... COME RIGHT OFF IN YOUR HANDS. JA, HE'S RIGHT.

COME RIGHT OFF IN YOUR HANDS. JA, HE'S RIGHT. I WILL USE MY POWERS FOR THE

JA, HE'S RIGHT. I WILL USE MY POWERS FOR THE FATHERLAND.

I WILL USE MY POWERS FOR THE FATHERLAND. FOR I AM...

FATHERLAND. FOR I AM... UBERMAN.

FOR I AM... UBERMAN. ["THEME FROM SUPERMAN" PLAYS]

UBERMAN. EXCUSE ME, MEIN FUHRER. STAND BACK.

EXCUSE ME, MEIN FUHRER. STAND BACK. THERE'S A BOMB IN THIS

STAND BACK. THERE'S A BOMB IN THIS BRIEFCASE.

THERE'S A BOMB IN THIS BRIEFCASE. OH, NOT AGAIN.

BRIEFCASE. OH, NOT AGAIN. [BOOM!]

MY GOD. [LAUGHTER] AH!

[LAUGHTER] AH! ALL OF YOU IS UBERMAN!

AH! ALL OF YOU IS UBERMAN! YOU SMOTHERED THE BOMB WITH YOUR

ALL OF YOU IS UBERMAN! YOU SMOTHERED THE BOMB WITH YOUR BODY.

YOU SMOTHERED THE BOMB WITH YOUR BODY. AND YOU'RE NOT EVEN BLEEDING.

BODY. AND YOU'RE NOT EVEN BLEEDING. WHO ARE YOU?

AND YOU'RE NOT EVEN BLEEDING. WHO ARE YOU? I AM UBERMAN.

WHO ARE YOU? I AM UBERMAN. I HAVE SUPERHUMAN POWERS, AND I

I AM UBERMAN. I HAVE SUPERHUMAN POWERS, AND I FIGHT FOR UNTRUTH, INJUSTICE,

I HAVE SUPERHUMAN POWERS, AND I FIGHT FOR UNTRUTH, INJUSTICE, AND THE NAZI WAY.

FIGHT FOR UNTRUTH, INJUSTICE, AND THE NAZI WAY. AND I HAVE X-RAY VISION.

AND THE NAZI WAY. AND I HAVE X-RAY VISION. X-RAY VISION?

AND I HAVE X-RAY VISION. X-RAY VISION? CAN YOU SEE THROUGH MY CLOTHES?

X-RAY VISION? CAN YOU SEE THROUGH MY CLOTHES? JA.

CAN YOU SEE THROUGH MY CLOTHES? JA. AND THROUGH HIS, TOO.

JA. AND THROUGH HIS, TOO. HE'S A JEW.

NO, NO, IT'S NOT TRUE. MY PARENTS JUST WERE VERY ADVANCED IN HYGIENE, THAT'S ALL.

MY PARENTS JUST WERE VERY ADVANCED IN HYGIENE, THAT'S ALL. SILENCE!

ADVANCED IN HYGIENE, THAT'S ALL. SILENCE! GUARDS, TAKE THIS JEW AWAY.

SILENCE! GUARDS, TAKE THIS JEW AWAY. NO NEED.

GUARDS, TAKE THIS JEW AWAY. NO NEED. I'LL DROP HIM OFF AT THE CAMP ON

NO NEED. I'LL DROP HIM OFF AT THE CAMP ON MY WAY TO THE EASTERN FRONT.

[WHOOSH!] WHAT AN AMAZING STROKE OF LUCK.

WHAT AN AMAZING STROKE OF LUCK. WE MIGHT WIN THIS WAR AFTER ALL.

WELL, THAT LOOKED PRETTY GRIM. I GUESS WE WOULD HAVE LOST THE

GRIM. I GUESS WE WOULD HAVE LOST THE WAR.

I GUESS WE WOULD HAVE LOST THE WAR. NOT NECESSARILY, JOAN.

WAR. NOT NECESSARILY, JOAN. AS YOU KNOW, SUPERMAN, OR

NOT NECESSARILY, JOAN. AS YOU KNOW, SUPERMAN, OR UBERMAN, IS VULNERABLE TO ONE

AS YOU KNOW, SUPERMAN, OR UBERMAN, IS VULNERABLE TO ONE THING... KRYPTONITE.

UBERMAN, IS VULNERABLE TO ONE THING... KRYPTONITE. THE U.S. WOULD HAVE PUT ALL ITS

THING... KRYPTONITE. THE U.S. WOULD HAVE PUT ALL ITS ENERGY INTO DEVELOPING A KRYPTON

THE U.S. WOULD HAVE PUT ALL ITS ENERGY INTO DEVELOPING A KRYPTON BOMB IN TIME TO STOP UBERMAN.

ENERGY INTO DEVELOPING A KRYPTON BOMB IN TIME TO STOP UBERMAN. AND AFTER THE WAR, WITH THE

BOMB IN TIME TO STOP UBERMAN. AND AFTER THE WAR, WITH THE BRITISH ISLES ENTIRELY WIPED

AND AFTER THE WAR, WITH THE BRITISH ISLES ENTIRELY WIPED OUT, IT MAY WELL HAVE BECOME THE

BRITISH ISLES ENTIRELY WIPED OUT, IT MAY WELL HAVE BECOME THE JEWISH HOMELAND, AND ISRAEL

OUT, IT MAY WELL HAVE BECOME THE JEWISH HOMELAND, AND ISRAEL WOULD BE IN ENGLAND TODAY.

JEWISH HOMELAND, AND ISRAEL WOULD BE IN ENGLAND TODAY. AH, WELL, THANK YOU VERY

WOULD BE IN ENGLAND TODAY. AH, WELL, THANK YOU VERY MUCH, GENERAL TEMPLE,

AH, WELL, THANK YOU VERY MUCH, GENERAL TEMPLE, PROFESSOR HOUTON.

MUCH, GENERAL TEMPLE, PROFESSOR HOUTON. JOIN US NEXT WEEK WHEN WE POSE

PROFESSOR HOUTON. JOIN US NEXT WEEK WHEN WE POSE THE QUESTION "WHAT IF ALL WOMEN

JOIN US NEXT WEEK WHEN WE POSE THE QUESTION "WHAT IF ALL WOMEN HAD SCHNAUZER FACES?"

THE QUESTION "WHAT IF ALL WOMEN HAD SCHNAUZER FACES?" GOOD NIGHT.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THE DOOBIE BROTHERS! 1.2.1, 2...

DOOBIE BROTHERS! 1.2.1, 2... ["WHAT A FOOL BELIEVES" PLAYS]

♪ SHE CAME FROM SOMEWHERE BACK IN HER LONG AGO ♪ ♪ SENTIMENTAL FOOL DON'T SEE ♪

BACK IN HER LONG AGO ♪ ♪ SENTIMENTAL FOOL DON'T SEE ♪ ♪ TRYIN' HARD TO RE-CREATE ♪

♪ SENTIMENTAL FOOL DON'T SEE ♪ ♪ TRYIN' HARD TO RE-CREATE ♪ ♪ WHAT HAD YET TO BE CREATED

♪ TRYIN' HARD TO RE-CREATE ♪ ♪ WHAT HAD YET TO BE CREATED ONCE IN HER LIFE ♪

♪ WHAT HAD YET TO BE CREATED ONCE IN HER LIFE ♪ ♪ SHE MUSTERS A SMILE FOR HIS

ONCE IN HER LIFE ♪ ♪ SHE MUSTERS A SMILE FOR HIS NOSTALGIC TALE ♪

♪ SHE MUSTERS A SMILE FOR HIS NOSTALGIC TALE ♪ ♪ NEVER COMING NEAR

NOSTALGIC TALE ♪ ♪ NEVER COMING NEAR WHAT THEY WANTED TO SAY ♪

♪ NEVER COMING NEAR WHAT THEY WANTED TO SAY ♪ ♪ ONLY TO REALIZE IT NEVER

WHAT THEY WANTED TO SAY ♪ ♪ ONLY TO REALIZE IT NEVER REALLY WAS ♪

♪ ONLY TO REALIZE IT NEVER REALLY WAS ♪ ♪ SHE HAD A PLACE IN HIS LIFE ♪

REALLY WAS ♪ ♪ SHE HAD A PLACE IN HIS LIFE ♪ ♪ HE NEVER MADE HER THINK

♪ SHE HAD A PLACE IN HIS LIFE ♪ ♪ HE NEVER MADE HER THINK TWICE ♪

♪ HE NEVER MADE HER THINK TWICE ♪ ♪ AS HE RISES TO HER APOLOGY ♪

TWICE ♪ ♪ AS HE RISES TO HER APOLOGY ♪ ♪ ANYBODY ELSE WOULD SURELY

♪ AS HE RISES TO HER APOLOGY ♪ ♪ ANYBODY ELSE WOULD SURELY KNOW ♪

♪ ANYBODY ELSE WOULD SURELY KNOW ♪ ♪ HE'S WATCHING HER GO ♪

KNOW ♪ ♪ HE'S WATCHING HER GO ♪ ♪ WHAT A FOOL BELIEVES ♪

♪ HE'S WATCHING HER GO ♪ ♪ WHAT A FOOL BELIEVES ♪ ♪ HE SEES ♪

♪ WHAT A FOOL BELIEVES ♪ ♪ HE SEES ♪ ♪ NO WISE MAN HAS THE POWER ♪

♪ HE SEES ♪ ♪ NO WISE MAN HAS THE POWER ♪ ♪ TO REASON AWAY ♪

♪ NO WISE MAN HAS THE POWER ♪ ♪ TO REASON AWAY ♪ ♪ WHAT SEEMS TO BE ♪

♪ TO REASON AWAY ♪ ♪ WHAT SEEMS TO BE ♪ ♪ IS ALWAYS BETTER THAN

♪ WHAT SEEMS TO BE ♪ ♪ IS ALWAYS BETTER THAN NOTHING ♪

♪ IS ALWAYS BETTER THAN NOTHING ♪ ♪ AND NOTHING AT ALL ♪

NOTHING ♪ ♪ AND NOTHING AT ALL ♪ ♪ KEEPS SENDING HIM SOMEWHERE

♪ AND NOTHING AT ALL ♪ ♪ KEEPS SENDING HIM SOMEWHERE BACK IN HER LONG AGO ♪

♪ KEEPS SENDING HIM SOMEWHERE BACK IN HER LONG AGO ♪ ♪ WHERE HE CAN STILL BELIEVE

BACK IN HER LONG AGO ♪ ♪ WHERE HE CAN STILL BELIEVE THERE'S A PLACE IN HER LIFE ♪

♪ WHERE HE CAN STILL BELIEVE THERE'S A PLACE IN HER LIFE ♪ ♪ SOMEDAY, SOMEWHERE SHE WILL

THERE'S A PLACE IN HER LIFE ♪ ♪ SOMEDAY, SOMEWHERE SHE WILL RETURN ♪

♪ SOMEDAY, SOMEWHERE SHE WILL RETURN ♪ [ELECTRIC-GUITAR SOLO]

♪ SHE HAD A PLACE IN HIS LIFE ♪ ♪ HE NEVER MADE HER THINK TWICE ♪

♪ HE NEVER MADE HER THINK TWICE ♪ ♪ AS HE RISES TO HER APOLOGY ♪

TWICE ♪ ♪ AS HE RISES TO HER APOLOGY ♪ ♪ ANYBODY ELSE WOULD SURELY

♪ AS HE RISES TO HER APOLOGY ♪ ♪ ANYBODY ELSE WOULD SURELY KNOW ♪

♪ ANYBODY ELSE WOULD SURELY KNOW ♪ ♪ HE'S WATCHING HER GO ♪

KNOW ♪ ♪ HE'S WATCHING HER GO ♪ ♪ WHAT A FOOL BELIEVES ♪

♪ HE'S WATCHING HER GO ♪ ♪ WHAT A FOOL BELIEVES ♪ ♪ HE SEES ♪

♪ WHAT A FOOL BELIEVES ♪ ♪ HE SEES ♪ ♪ NO WISE MAN HAS THE POWER ♪

♪ HE SEES ♪ ♪ NO WISE MAN HAS THE POWER ♪ ♪ TO REASON AWAY ♪

♪ NO WISE MAN HAS THE POWER ♪ ♪ TO REASON AWAY ♪ ♪ WHAT SEEMS TO BE ♪

♪ TO REASON AWAY ♪ ♪ WHAT SEEMS TO BE ♪ ♪ IS ALWAYS BETTER THAN

♪ WHAT SEEMS TO BE ♪ ♪ IS ALWAYS BETTER THAN NOTHING ♪

♪ IS ALWAYS BETTER THAN NOTHING ♪ ♪ AND NOTHING AT ALL ♪

NOTHING ♪ ♪ AND NOTHING AT ALL ♪ ♪ WHAT A FOOL BELIEVES ♪

♪ AND NOTHING AT ALL ♪ ♪ WHAT A FOOL BELIEVES ♪ ♪ HE SEES ♪

♪ WHAT A FOOL BELIEVES ♪ ♪ HE SEES ♪ ♪ NO WISE MAN HAS THE POWER ♪

♪ HE SEES ♪ ♪ NO WISE MAN HAS THE POWER ♪ ♪ TO REASON AWAY ♪

♪ NO WISE MAN HAS THE POWER ♪ ♪ TO REASON AWAY ♪ ♪ I BELIEVE SHE'S NEVER GONE

♪ TO REASON AWAY ♪ ♪ I BELIEVE SHE'S NEVER GONE AWAY ♪

♪ I BELIEVE SHE'S NEVER GONE AWAY ♪ [ELECTRIC-GUITAR SOLO]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

Announcer: AND NOW "WEEKEND UPDATE" WITH THE "WEEKEND UPDATE" NEWS TEAM.

"WEEKEND UPDATE" WITH THE "WEEKEND UPDATE" NEWS TEAM. HERE ARE BILL MURRAY AND

"WEEKEND UPDATE" NEWS TEAM. HERE ARE BILL MURRAY AND JANE CURTIN.

HERE ARE BILL MURRAY AND JANE CURTIN. GOOD EVENING.

JANE CURTIN. GOOD EVENING. I'M JANE CURTIN.

GOOD EVENING. I'M JANE CURTIN. OUR TOP STORY... TRAGEDY STRUCK

I'M JANE CURTIN. OUR TOP STORY... TRAGEDY STRUCK IN ROCKEFELLER CENTER LAST NIGHT

OUR TOP STORY... TRAGEDY STRUCK IN ROCKEFELLER CENTER LAST NIGHT WHEN NBC PRESIDENT

IN ROCKEFELLER CENTER LAST NIGHT WHEN NBC PRESIDENT FRED SILVERMAN COLLAPSED AFTER

WHEN NBC PRESIDENT FRED SILVERMAN COLLAPSED AFTER WATCHING THE PREMIERE EPISODE OF

FRED SILVERMAN COLLAPSED AFTER WATCHING THE PREMIERE EPISODE OF "HELLO, LARRY."

WATCHING THE PREMIERE EPISODE OF "HELLO, LARRY." WE'RE TERRIBLY SORRY.

"HELLO, LARRY." WE'RE TERRIBLY SORRY. BILL.

WE'RE TERRIBLY SORRY. BILL. THE ATTORNEY GENERAL'S OFFICE

BILL. THE ATTORNEY GENERAL'S OFFICE REMINDS US THAT JANUARY IS

THE ATTORNEY GENERAL'S OFFICE REMINDS US THAT JANUARY IS ALIEN-REGISTRATION MONTH.

REMINDS US THAT JANUARY IS ALIEN-REGISTRATION MONTH. IF THERE ARE ANY ALIENS WATCHING

ALIEN-REGISTRATION MONTH. IF THERE ARE ANY ALIENS WATCHING ME RIGHT NOW, I'M GONNA SAVE YOU

IF THERE ARE ANY ALIENS WATCHING ME RIGHT NOW, I'M GONNA SAVE YOU SOME TROUBLE.

ME RIGHT NOW, I'M GONNA SAVE YOU SOME TROUBLE. RAISE YOUR RIGHT HANDS AND

SOME TROUBLE. RAISE YOUR RIGHT HANDS AND REPEAT AFTER ME.

RAISE YOUR RIGHT HANDS AND REPEAT AFTER ME. I HEREBY DECLARE, ON OATH, THAT

REPEAT AFTER ME. I HEREBY DECLARE, ON OATH, THAT I ABSOLUTELY RENOUNCE ALL

I HEREBY DECLARE, ON OATH, THAT I ABSOLUTELY RENOUNCE ALL ALLEGIANCE TO ANY FOREIGN STATE,

I ABSOLUTELY RENOUNCE ALL ALLEGIANCE TO ANY FOREIGN STATE, THAT I WILL SUPPORT AND DEFEND

ALLEGIANCE TO ANY FOREIGN STATE, THAT I WILL SUPPORT AND DEFEND THE CONSTITUTION OF THE

THAT I WILL SUPPORT AND DEFEND THE CONSTITUTION OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA AGAINST

THE CONSTITUTION OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA AGAINST ALL ENEMIES, AND THAT I TAKE

UNITED STATES OF AMERICA AGAINST ALL ENEMIES, AND THAT I TAKE THIS OBLIGATION FREELY, SO HELP

ALL ENEMIES, AND THAT I TAKE THIS OBLIGATION FREELY, SO HELP ME, GOD.

THIS OBLIGATION FREELY, SO HELP ME, GOD. THERE.

ME, GOD. THERE. CONGRATULATIONS, NEW CITIZENS,

THERE. CONGRATULATIONS, NEW CITIZENS, AND WELCOME.

CONGRATULATIONS, NEW CITIZENS, AND WELCOME. JUST ONE THING, THOUGH, HUH?

AND WELCOME. JUST ONE THING, THOUGH, HUH? DON'T EVER LET THE FLAG TOUCH

JUST ONE THING, THOUGH, HUH? DON'T EVER LET THE FLAG TOUCH THE GROUND, OR YOU'LL GO

DON'T EVER LET THE FLAG TOUCH THE GROUND, OR YOU'LL GO STRAIGHT TO HELL.

THE GROUND, OR YOU'LL GO STRAIGHT TO HELL. [LAUGHTER]

STRAIGHT TO HELL. [LAUGHTER] ON DECEMBER 29th, WOODY HAYES

[LAUGHTER] ON DECEMBER 29th, WOODY HAYES WAS DISMISSED AS OHIO STATE'S

ON DECEMBER 29th, WOODY HAYES WAS DISMISSED AS OHIO STATE'S HEAD FOOTBALL COACH FOR STRIKING

WAS DISMISSED AS OHIO STATE'S HEAD FOOTBALL COACH FOR STRIKING AN OPPOSING BALL PLAYER IN THE

HEAD FOOTBALL COACH FOR STRIKING AN OPPOSING BALL PLAYER IN THE FINAL MOMENTS OF THE GATOR BOWL.

AN OPPOSING BALL PLAYER IN THE FINAL MOMENTS OF THE GATOR BOWL. SINCE THEN, WOODY HAS BEEN

FINAL MOMENTS OF THE GATOR BOWL. SINCE THEN, WOODY HAS BEEN SPENDING MOST OF HIS TIME AT

SINCE THEN, WOODY HAS BEEN SPENDING MOST OF HIS TIME AT HOME WITH HIS WIFE, CHARLEEN,

SPENDING MOST OF HIS TIME AT HOME WITH HIS WIFE, CHARLEEN, AND BOTH OF THEM WERE GRACIOUS

HOME WITH HIS WIFE, CHARLEEN, AND BOTH OF THEM WERE GRACIOUS ENOUGH TO VISIT ME TONIGHT ON

AND BOTH OF THEM WERE GRACIOUS ENOUGH TO VISIT ME TONIGHT ON "CELEBRITY CORNER."

ENOUGH TO VISIT ME TONIGHT ON "CELEBRITY CORNER." HEY, YOU MANIACS.

"CELEBRITY CORNER." HEY, YOU MANIACS. WELCOME TO ALL OF YOU IN THE

HEY, YOU MANIACS. WELCOME TO ALL OF YOU IN THE BUCKEYE STATE.

WELCOME TO ALL OF YOU IN THE BUCKEYE STATE. THANKS FOR COMING ON

BUCKEYE STATE. THANKS FOR COMING ON "CELEBRITY CORNER."

THANKS FOR COMING ON "CELEBRITY CORNER." IT'S A PLEASURE.

"CELEBRITY CORNER." IT'S A PLEASURE. HI, BILL.

IT'S A PLEASURE. HI, BILL. HI, CHARLEEN.

HI, BILL. HI, CHARLEEN. FIRST OF ALL, WOODY, WHY DID YOU

HI, CHARLEEN. FIRST OF ALL, WOODY, WHY DID YOU DO IT?

FIRST OF ALL, WOODY, WHY DID YOU DO IT? WHAT CAN I SAY, BILL?

DO IT? WHAT CAN I SAY, BILL? IT WAS AN IMPULSIVE ACT ON MY

WHAT CAN I SAY, BILL? IT WAS AN IMPULSIVE ACT ON MY PART.

IT WAS AN IMPULSIVE ACT ON MY PART. I MADE A MISTAKE.

PART. I MADE A MISTAKE. [LAUGHS]

I MADE A MISTAKE. [LAUGHS] NOW, WOODY, AFTER 28 YEARS OF

[LAUGHS] NOW, WOODY, AFTER 28 YEARS OF COACHING, ARE YOU BITTER ABOUT

NOW, WOODY, AFTER 28 YEARS OF COACHING, ARE YOU BITTER ABOUT YOUR DISMISSAL?

COACHING, ARE YOU BITTER ABOUT YOUR DISMISSAL? NO, BILL, I'M NOT.

YOUR DISMISSAL? NO, BILL, I'M NOT. THE LAST THING I'D WANT TO DO IS

NO, BILL, I'M NOT. THE LAST THING I'D WANT TO DO IS HURT OHIO STATE.

THE LAST THING I'D WANT TO DO IS HURT OHIO STATE. THEY MADE THE RIGHT DECISION.

HURT OHIO STATE. THEY MADE THE RIGHT DECISION. I GOT WHAT I DESERVED.

THEY MADE THE RIGHT DECISION. I GOT WHAT I DESERVED. [LAUGHS]

I GOT WHAT I DESERVED. [LAUGHS] WELL, THAT'S VERY, VERY

[LAUGHS] WELL, THAT'S VERY, VERY HUMBLE OF YOU, WOODY, BUT WHAT

WELL, THAT'S VERY, VERY HUMBLE OF YOU, WOODY, BUT WHAT NEXT?

HUMBLE OF YOU, WOODY, BUT WHAT NEXT? YOU'RE 65 YEARS OLD.

NEXT? YOU'RE 65 YEARS OLD. DO YOU THINK THAT YOU COULD LAND

YOU'RE 65 YEARS OLD. DO YOU THINK THAT YOU COULD LAND ANOTHER COACHING JOB?

DO YOU THINK THAT YOU COULD LAND ANOTHER COACHING JOB? I DON'T EVEN WANT IT, BILL.

ANOTHER COACHING JOB? I DON'T EVEN WANT IT, BILL. NOW, DON'T GET ME WRONG.

I DON'T EVEN WANT IT, BILL. NOW, DON'T GET ME WRONG. COACHING'S BEEN GOOD TO ME, BUT

NOW, DON'T GET ME WRONG. COACHING'S BEEN GOOD TO ME, BUT I'M GLAD THAT I CAN BE HERE WITH

COACHING'S BEEN GOOD TO ME, BUT I'M GLAD THAT I CAN BE HERE WITH MY FAMILY.

I'M GLAD THAT I CAN BE HERE WITH MY FAMILY. THAT'S NICE.

MY FAMILY. THAT'S NICE. [LAUGHS]

THAT'S NICE. [LAUGHS] HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT THAT,

[LAUGHS] HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT THAT, CHARLEEN HAYES?

HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT THAT, CHARLEEN HAYES? OH, I COULDN'T BE HAPPIER.

CHARLEEN HAYES? OH, I COULDN'T BE HAPPIER. FOR THE FIRST TIME IN 28 YEARS,

OH, I COULDN'T BE HAPPIER. FOR THE FIRST TIME IN 28 YEARS, WOODY AND I ARE SPENDING TIME

FOR THE FIRST TIME IN 28 YEARS, WOODY AND I ARE SPENDING TIME WITH EACH OTHER.

WOODY AND I ARE SPENDING TIME WITH EACH OTHER. IT'S WONDERFUL.

WITH EACH OTHER. IT'S WONDERFUL. WE FEEL LIKE NEWLYWEDS AGAIN,

IT'S WONDERFUL. WE FEEL LIKE NEWLYWEDS AGAIN, YOU KNOW?

WE FEEL LIKE NEWLYWEDS AGAIN, YOU KNOW? [LAUGHS]

YOU KNOW? [LAUGHS] RIGHT, OH!

[LAUGHS] RIGHT, OH! [LAUGHS]

RIGHT, OH! [LAUGHS] [LAUGHTER]

[LAUGHS] [LAUGHTER] WELL, THANK YOU.

[LAUGHTER] WELL, THANK YOU. NO, WOODY! WOODY! WOODY!

WELL, THANK YOU. NO, WOODY! WOODY! WOODY! WOODY!

NO, WOODY! WOODY! WOODY! WOODY! THANK YOU SO MUCH, WOODY, AND

WOODY! THANK YOU SO MUCH, WOODY, AND THANK YOU, CHARLEEN HAYES.

THANK YOU SO MUCH, WOODY, AND THANK YOU, CHARLEEN HAYES. I WANT YOU TWO MANIACS TO HAVE

THANK YOU, CHARLEEN HAYES. I WANT YOU TWO MANIACS TO HAVE ALL THE FUN YOU CAN IN YOUR

I WANT YOU TWO MANIACS TO HAVE ALL THE FUN YOU CAN IN YOUR REMAINING YEARS.

ALL THE FUN YOU CAN IN YOUR REMAINING YEARS. THAT'S WOODY HAYES, THE FORMER

REMAINING YEARS. THAT'S WOODY HAYES, THE FORMER COACH OF THE BUCKEYES.

THAT'S WOODY HAYES, THE FORMER COACH OF THE BUCKEYES. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

COACH OF THE BUCKEYES. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] I PERSONALLY FEEL THE MAN GOT A

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] I PERSONALLY FEEL THE MAN GOT A RAW DEAL.

I PERSONALLY FEEL THE MAN GOT A RAW DEAL. JANE.

RAW DEAL. JANE. FIRST LADY ROSALYNN CARTER

JANE. FIRST LADY ROSALYNN CARTER POSED IN CHICAGO LAST YEAR WITH

FIRST LADY ROSALYNN CARTER POSED IN CHICAGO LAST YEAR WITH ACCUSED MASS MURDERER

POSED IN CHICAGO LAST YEAR WITH ACCUSED MASS MURDERER JOHN WAYNE GACY JR.

ACCUSED MASS MURDERER JOHN WAYNE GACY JR. NATURALLY, MRS. CARTER HAD NO

JOHN WAYNE GACY JR. NATURALLY, MRS. CARTER HAD NO WAY OF KNOWING ABOUT MR. GACY'S

NATURALLY, MRS. CARTER HAD NO WAY OF KNOWING ABOUT MR. GACY'S DESTINY, NOR DID SHE KNOW

WAY OF KNOWING ABOUT MR. GACY'S DESTINY, NOR DID SHE KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT THE EVENTUAL FATE

DESTINY, NOR DID SHE KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT THE EVENTUAL FATE OF PEOPLE'S TEMPLE LEADER

ANYTHING ABOUT THE EVENTUAL FATE OF PEOPLE'S TEMPLE LEADER JIM JONES WHEN SHE POSED WITH

OF PEOPLE'S TEMPLE LEADER JIM JONES WHEN SHE POSED WITH HIM FOR THIS PICTURE.

JIM JONES WHEN SHE POSED WITH HIM FOR THIS PICTURE. OF COURSE, THESE ARE JUST

HIM FOR THIS PICTURE. OF COURSE, THESE ARE JUST COINCIDENCES, BUT

OF COURSE, THESE ARE JUST COINCIDENCES, BUT "WEEKEND UPDATE" HAS UNCOVERED

COINCIDENCES, BUT "WEEKEND UPDATE" HAS UNCOVERED STILL MORE PHOTOGRAPHS OF

"WEEKEND UPDATE" HAS UNCOVERED STILL MORE PHOTOGRAPHS OF MRS. CARTER.

STILL MORE PHOTOGRAPHS OF MRS. CARTER. HERE SHE IS WITH MASS MURDERER

MRS. CARTER. HERE SHE IS WITH MASS MURDERER CHARLES WHITMAN, THE TEXAS TOWER

HERE SHE IS WITH MASS MURDERER CHARLES WHITMAN, THE TEXAS TOWER SNIPER.

CHARLES WHITMAN, THE TEXAS TOWER SNIPER. THE PICTURE WAS TAKEN DURING A

SNIPER. THE PICTURE WAS TAKEN DURING A GUN-CONTROL RALLY ON THE

THE PICTURE WAS TAKEN DURING A GUN-CONTROL RALLY ON THE UNIVERSITY CAMPUS.

GUN-CONTROL RALLY ON THE UNIVERSITY CAMPUS. AND HERE'S ROSALYNN WITH

UNIVERSITY CAMPUS. AND HERE'S ROSALYNN WITH CALIFORNIA'S MASS MURDERER

AND HERE'S ROSALYNN WITH CALIFORNIA'S MASS MURDERER CHARLES MANSON.

CALIFORNIA'S MASS MURDERER CHARLES MANSON. THE TWO DINED TOGETHER AT A

CHARLES MANSON. THE TWO DINED TOGETHER AT A SAVE-THE-WHALES FUND-RAISING

THE TWO DINED TOGETHER AT A SAVE-THE-WHALES FUND-RAISING DINNER IN THE EARLY '60s.

SAVE-THE-WHALES FUND-RAISING DINNER IN THE EARLY '60s. AND IT WAS ON A SKI WEEKEND THAT

DINNER IN THE EARLY '60s. AND IT WAS ON A SKI WEEKEND THAT ROSALYNN MET AND POSED WITH MASS

AND IT WAS ON A SKI WEEKEND THAT ROSALYNN MET AND POSED WITH MASS MURDERERS RICHARD SPECK AND

ROSALYNN MET AND POSED WITH MASS MURDERERS RICHARD SPECK AND ALBERT DeSALVO, WHOM SHE

MURDERERS RICHARD SPECK AND ALBERT DeSALVO, WHOM SHE INTRODUCED TO EACH OTHER.

ALBERT DeSALVO, WHOM SHE INTRODUCED TO EACH OTHER. AND, FINALLY, THIS RARE PICTURE

INTRODUCED TO EACH OTHER. AND, FINALLY, THIS RARE PICTURE OF ROSALYNN WITH MASS MURDERER

AND, FINALLY, THIS RARE PICTURE OF ROSALYNN WITH MASS MURDERER CHARLIE STARKWEATHER, AND THEN

OF ROSALYNN WITH MASS MURDERER CHARLIE STARKWEATHER, AND THEN CONGRESSMAN ED KOCH, WHO SWEARS

CHARLIE STARKWEATHER, AND THEN CONGRESSMAN ED KOCH, WHO SWEARS HE DOESN'T REMEMBER EVER HAVING

CONGRESSMAN ED KOCH, WHO SWEARS HE DOESN'T REMEMBER EVER HAVING A PICTURE TAKEN WITH

HE DOESN'T REMEMBER EVER HAVING A PICTURE TAKEN WITH MRS. CARTER.

A PICTURE TAKEN WITH MRS. CARTER. [LAUGHTER]

MRS. CARTER. [LAUGHTER] AND NOW HERE TO TELL US WHAT'S

[LAUGHTER] AND NOW HERE TO TELL US WHAT'S HAPPENING IN THE WORLD OF SPORTS

AND NOW HERE TO TELL US WHAT'S HAPPENING IN THE WORLD OF SPORTS IS THE FORMER ALL-STAR FOR THE

HAPPENING IN THE WORLD OF SPORTS IS THE FORMER ALL-STAR FOR THE NEW YORK METS, "UPDATE"

IS THE FORMER ALL-STAR FOR THE NEW YORK METS, "UPDATE" SPORTSCASTER CHICO ESCUELA.

NEW YORK METS, "UPDATE" SPORTSCASTER CHICO ESCUELA. CHICO.

SPORTSCASTER CHICO ESCUELA. CHICO. [APPLAUSE]

CHICO. [APPLAUSE] [Spanish accent] THANK YOU,

[APPLAUSE] [Spanish accent] THANK YOU, "HANE."

[Spanish accent] THANK YOU, "HANE." [LAUGHTER]

"HANE." [LAUGHTER] BASEBALL BEEN VERY, VERY GOOD TO

[LAUGHTER] BASEBALL BEEN VERY, VERY GOOD TO ME.

BASEBALL BEEN VERY, VERY GOOD TO ME. THIS WEEK, BASEBALL BEEN VERY,

ME. THIS WEEK, BASEBALL BEEN VERY, VERY GOOD TO WILLIE MAYS.

THIS WEEK, BASEBALL BEEN VERY, VERY GOOD TO WILLIE MAYS. SAY, WILLIE ALWAYS KEEP HIS EYE

VERY GOOD TO WILLIE MAYS. SAY, WILLIE ALWAYS KEEP HIS EYE ON THE BALL.

SAY, WILLIE ALWAYS KEEP HIS EYE ON THE BALL. IN THE SUPER BOWL, WE HAVE...

ON THE BALL. IN THE SUPER BOWL, WE HAVE... HOW DO YOU SAY? HIGHLIGHTS.

IN THE SUPER BOWL, WE HAVE... HOW DO YOU SAY? HIGHLIGHTS. ROLL, PLEASE.

HOW DO YOU SAY? HIGHLIGHTS. ROLL, PLEASE. JACKIE SMITH DID NOT KEEP HIS

ROLL, PLEASE. JACKIE SMITH DID NOT KEEP HIS EYE ON THE BALL, BUT

JACKIE SMITH DID NOT KEEP HIS EYE ON THE BALL, BUT LYNN SWANN... HE KEEP HIS EYE ON

EYE ON THE BALL, BUT LYNN SWANN... HE KEEP HIS EYE ON THE BALL, AND HE VERY, VERY

LYNN SWANN... HE KEEP HIS EYE ON THE BALL, AND HE VERY, VERY HAPPY.

THE BALL, AND HE VERY, VERY HAPPY. [LAUGHTER]

HAPPY. [LAUGHTER] SO, ALWAYS KEEP YOUR EYE ON THE

[LAUGHTER] SO, ALWAYS KEEP YOUR EYE ON THE BALL, AND YOU'LL BE HAPPY.

SO, ALWAYS KEEP YOUR EYE ON THE BALL, AND YOU'LL BE HAPPY. THANK YOU VERY, VERY MUCH,

BALL, AND YOU'LL BE HAPPY. THANK YOU VERY, VERY MUCH, "HANE."

THANK YOU VERY, VERY MUCH, "HANE." GREAT DELIVERY, CHICO.

"HANE." GREAT DELIVERY, CHICO. GREAT.

GREAT DELIVERY, CHICO. GREAT. NO. NO. NO COMPRENDE.

GREAT. NO. NO. NO COMPRENDE. NEVER MIND. NEVER MIND.

NO. NO. NO COMPRENDE. NEVER MIND. NEVER MIND. OH. HASTA LUEGO.

NEVER MIND. NEVER MIND. OH. HASTA LUEGO. DEMOCRAT-TURNED-REPUBLICAN

OH. HASTA LUEGO. DEMOCRAT-TURNED-REPUBLICAN JOHN CONNOLLY THIS WEEK

DEMOCRAT-TURNED-REPUBLICAN JOHN CONNOLLY THIS WEEK ANNOUNCED HIS CANDIDACY FOR THE

JOHN CONNOLLY THIS WEEK ANNOUNCED HIS CANDIDACY FOR THE 1980 REPUBLICAN PRESIDENTIAL

ANNOUNCED HIS CANDIDACY FOR THE 1980 REPUBLICAN PRESIDENTIAL NOMINATION.

1980 REPUBLICAN PRESIDENTIAL NOMINATION. SENATOR GEORGE McGOVERN HAD THIS

NOMINATION. SENATOR GEORGE McGOVERN HAD THIS TO SAY.

SENATOR GEORGE McGOVERN HAD THIS TO SAY. "I WOULDN'T TRUST JOHN CONNOLLY

TO SAY. "I WOULDN'T TRUST JOHN CONNOLLY WITHIN A MILE OF THE

"I WOULDN'T TRUST JOHN CONNOLLY WITHIN A MILE OF THE WHITE HOUSE.

WITHIN A MILE OF THE WHITE HOUSE. HE COMBINES THE WORST ELEMENTS

WHITE HOUSE. HE COMBINES THE WORST ELEMENTS OF WATERGATE AND VIETNAM.

HE COMBINES THE WORST ELEMENTS OF WATERGATE AND VIETNAM. HE'S A TYPICAL DOUBLE-TALKING,

OF WATERGATE AND VIETNAM. HE'S A TYPICAL DOUBLE-TALKING, DOUBLE-CROSSING POLITICIAN.

HE'S A TYPICAL DOUBLE-TALKING, DOUBLE-CROSSING POLITICIAN. THE ONLY REASON HE NEVER WENT TO

DOUBLE-CROSSING POLITICIAN. THE ONLY REASON HE NEVER WENT TO JAIL IS BECAUSE HE HAD THE BEST

THE ONLY REASON HE NEVER WENT TO JAIL IS BECAUSE HE HAD THE BEST CRIMINAL LAWYER IN THE COUNTRY."

JAIL IS BECAUSE HE HAD THE BEST CRIMINAL LAWYER IN THE COUNTRY." CONNOLLY REPLIED, "I GUESS I

CRIMINAL LAWYER IN THE COUNTRY." CONNOLLY REPLIED, "I GUESS I CAN'T COUNT ON GEORGE'S

CONNOLLY REPLIED, "I GUESS I CAN'T COUNT ON GEORGE'S SUPPORT."

CAN'T COUNT ON GEORGE'S SUPPORT." BILL.

SUPPORT." BILL. THE POPE HAS NOW MOVED ON TO

BILL. THE POPE HAS NOW MOVED ON TO MEXICO CITY TO OPEN THE

THE POPE HAS NOW MOVED ON TO MEXICO CITY TO OPEN THE LATIN-AMERICAN BISHOP'S

MEXICO CITY TO OPEN THE LATIN-AMERICAN BISHOP'S CONFERENCE.

LATIN-AMERICAN BISHOP'S CONFERENCE. AND JUST BACK FROM MEXICO, WHERE

CONFERENCE. AND JUST BACK FROM MEXICO, WHERE HE HAD ACCOMPANIED THE PAPAL

AND JUST BACK FROM MEXICO, WHERE HE HAD ACCOMPANIED THE PAPAL ENTOURAGE, IS THE GOSSIP

HE HAD ACCOMPANIED THE PAPAL ENTOURAGE, IS THE GOSSIP COLUMNIST FOR THE

ENTOURAGE, IS THE GOSSIP COLUMNIST FOR THE L'OSSERVATORE ROMANO, THE

COLUMNIST FOR THE L'OSSERVATORE ROMANO, THE VATICAN NEWSPAPER,

L'OSSERVATORE ROMANO, THE VATICAN NEWSPAPER, FATHER GUIDO SARDUCCI.

VATICAN NEWSPAPER, FATHER GUIDO SARDUCCI. NICE TO HAVE YOU HERE, FATHER.

FATHER GUIDO SARDUCCI. NICE TO HAVE YOU HERE, FATHER. THANK YOU.

NICE TO HAVE YOU HERE, FATHER. THANK YOU. THANK YOU.

THANK YOU. THANK YOU. THAT'S A BEAUTIFUL HAT YOU

THANK YOU. THAT'S A BEAUTIFUL HAT YOU HAVE THERE.

THAT'S A BEAUTIFUL HAT YOU HAVE THERE. THANK YOU.

HAVE THERE. THANK YOU. I GOT IT IN MEXICO.

THANK YOU. I GOT IT IN MEXICO. WELL, I THINK THAT THE BIGGEST

I GOT IT IN MEXICO. WELL, I THINK THAT THE BIGGEST STORY OF THE BISHOP CONFERENCE

WELL, I THINK THAT THE BIGGEST STORY OF THE BISHOP CONFERENCE IN MEXICO CITY IS THAT THOUSANDS

STORY OF THE BISHOP CONFERENCE IN MEXICO CITY IS THAT THOUSANDS OF PICKPOCKETS AND SWINDLERS

IN MEXICO CITY IS THAT THOUSANDS OF PICKPOCKETS AND SWINDLERS HAVE DESCENDED ON THAT CITY TO

OF PICKPOCKETS AND SWINDLERS HAVE DESCENDED ON THAT CITY TO STEAL FROM THE PEOPLE WHO CAME

HAVE DESCENDED ON THAT CITY TO STEAL FROM THE PEOPLE WHO CAME TO WATCH THE POPE.

STEAL FROM THE PEOPLE WHO CAME TO WATCH THE POPE. ALREADY, MEXICO CITY POLICEMEN

TO WATCH THE POPE. ALREADY, MEXICO CITY POLICEMEN HAVE ARRESTED 2,000 PEOPLE.

ALREADY, MEXICO CITY POLICEMEN HAVE ARRESTED 2,000 PEOPLE. I'M NOT SAYING ALL PEOPLE DOWN

HAVE ARRESTED 2,000 PEOPLE. I'M NOT SAYING ALL PEOPLE DOWN THERE ARE LIKE THESE CROOKED

I'M NOT SAYING ALL PEOPLE DOWN THERE ARE LIKE THESE CROOKED 'CAUSE I DID MEET SOME WONDERFUL

THERE ARE LIKE THESE CROOKED 'CAUSE I DID MEET SOME WONDERFUL PEOPLE.

'CAUSE I DID MEET SOME WONDERFUL PEOPLE. MET THIS ONE GIRL.

PEOPLE. MET THIS ONE GIRL. LUPE IS HER NAME, AND SHE WAS

MET THIS ONE GIRL. LUPE IS HER NAME, AND SHE WAS REALLY NICE, DROVE ME AROUND AND

LUPE IS HER NAME, AND SHE WAS REALLY NICE, DROVE ME AROUND AND SHOWED ME THE CITY.

REALLY NICE, DROVE ME AROUND AND SHOWED ME THE CITY. AND I ALSO MET THIS ONE FELLOW.

SHOWED ME THE CITY. AND I ALSO MET THIS ONE FELLOW. HE WAS FROM GUADALAJARA, MEXICO,

AND I ALSO MET THIS ONE FELLOW. HE WAS FROM GUADALAJARA, MEXICO, AND HE WAS NICE.

HE WAS FROM GUADALAJARA, MEXICO, AND HE WAS NICE. HE WAS REALLY INTERESTED IN THE

AND HE WAS NICE. HE WAS REALLY INTERESTED IN THE CHURCH.

HE WAS REALLY INTERESTED IN THE CHURCH. HE KNEW A LOT OF STUFF.

CHURCH. HE KNEW A LOT OF STUFF. AND HE TOLD ME HE HAD THIS

HE KNEW A LOT OF STUFF. AND HE TOLD ME HE HAD THIS FRIEND WHO HAD A LOT OF RELICS,

AND HE TOLD ME HE HAD THIS FRIEND WHO HAD A LOT OF RELICS, AND HE THOUGHT MAYBE I WOULD BE

FRIEND WHO HAD A LOT OF RELICS, AND HE THOUGHT MAYBE I WOULD BE INTERESTED IN MAYBE LOOKING INTO

AND HE THOUGHT MAYBE I WOULD BE INTERESTED IN MAYBE LOOKING INTO PURCHASING SOME.

INTERESTED IN MAYBE LOOKING INTO PURCHASING SOME. AND GOOD THING HE WAS WITH ME

PURCHASING SOME. AND GOOD THING HE WAS WITH ME 'CAUSE IT WAS HARD.

AND GOOD THING HE WAS WITH ME 'CAUSE IT WAS HARD. I NEVER WOULD'VE FOUND IT.

'CAUSE IT WAS HARD. I NEVER WOULD'VE FOUND IT. YOU KNOW, WE WAS DRIVING LITTLE

I NEVER WOULD'VE FOUND IT. YOU KNOW, WE WAS DRIVING LITTLE STREETS AND LITTLE ALLEYWAYS AND

YOU KNOW, WE WAS DRIVING LITTLE STREETS AND LITTLE ALLEYWAYS AND THAT, BUT IT WAS FANTASTIC, SOME

STREETS AND LITTLE ALLEYWAYS AND THAT, BUT IT WAS FANTASTIC, SOME OF THE STUFF THIS GUY HAD,

THAT, BUT IT WAS FANTASTIC, SOME OF THE STUFF THIS GUY HAD, I'M TELLING YOU.

OF THE STUFF THIS GUY HAD, I'M TELLING YOU. ONE THING HE HAD... OR WHAT HE

I'M TELLING YOU. ONE THING HE HAD... OR WHAT HE CLAIMED, ANYWAY... WAS THE

ONE THING HE HAD... OR WHAT HE CLAIMED, ANYWAY... WAS THE HIGH-SCHOOL-GRADUATION PICTURE

CLAIMED, ANYWAY... WAS THE HIGH-SCHOOL-GRADUATION PICTURE OF JESUS.

HIGH-SCHOOL-GRADUATION PICTURE OF JESUS. [LAUGHTER]

OF JESUS. [LAUGHTER] THAT'S RIGHT.

[LAUGHTER] THAT'S RIGHT. BUT I KIND OF SHIED AWAY FROM IT

THAT'S RIGHT. BUT I KIND OF SHIED AWAY FROM IT BECAUSE, YOU KNOW, HOW CAN YOU

BUT I KIND OF SHIED AWAY FROM IT BECAUSE, YOU KNOW, HOW CAN YOU TELL IT'S HIM, RIGHT?

BECAUSE, YOU KNOW, HOW CAN YOU TELL IT'S HIM, RIGHT? 'CAUSE IT WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL,

TELL IT'S HIM, RIGHT? 'CAUSE IT WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL, YOU KNOW, IT WAS BEFORE HE HAD

'CAUSE IT WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL, YOU KNOW, IT WAS BEFORE HE HAD THE BEARD AND THE LONG HAIR AND

YOU KNOW, IT WAS BEFORE HE HAD THE BEARD AND THE LONG HAIR AND THAT.

THE BEARD AND THE LONG HAIR AND THAT. HE WAS REAL STRAIGHT-LOOKING

THAT. HE WAS REAL STRAIGHT-LOOKING THEN, YOU KNOW?

HE WAS REAL STRAIGHT-LOOKING THEN, YOU KNOW? [LAUGHTER]

THEN, YOU KNOW? [LAUGHTER] ALSO, HE HAD SOMETHING.

[LAUGHTER] ALSO, HE HAD SOMETHING. IT WAS A BONE, A FEMUR BONE... A

ALSO, HE HAD SOMETHING. IT WAS A BONE, A FEMUR BONE... A BIG FEMUR BONE... OF

IT WAS A BONE, A FEMUR BONE... A BIG FEMUR BONE... OF SAINT AUGUSTINE, BUT I DIDN'T

BIG FEMUR BONE... OF SAINT AUGUSTINE, BUT I DIDN'T GET IT 'CAUSE IT WAS CHIPPED.

SAINT AUGUSTINE, BUT I DIDN'T GET IT 'CAUSE IT WAS CHIPPED. AND SOMETHING THAT I WOULD'VE

GET IT 'CAUSE IT WAS CHIPPED. AND SOMETHING THAT I WOULD'VE LOVED TO HAVE BOUGHT, BUT I JUST

AND SOMETHING THAT I WOULD'VE LOVED TO HAVE BOUGHT, BUT I JUST COULDN'T AFFORD IT, WAS THE BILL

LOVED TO HAVE BOUGHT, BUT I JUST COULDN'T AFFORD IT, WAS THE BILL FOR THE LAST SUPPER.

COULDN'T AFFORD IT, WAS THE BILL FOR THE LAST SUPPER. [LAUGHTER]

FOR THE LAST SUPPER. [LAUGHTER] IT WAS THE ACTUAL CHECK FROM THE

[LAUGHTER] IT WAS THE ACTUAL CHECK FROM THE LAST SUPPER, BUT HE WANTED

IT WAS THE ACTUAL CHECK FROM THE LAST SUPPER, BUT HE WANTED $50,000 FOR IT... IT WAS WAY

LAST SUPPER, BUT HE WANTED $50,000 FOR IT... IT WAS WAY OUT OF MY BALLGAME... BUT HE DID

$50,000 FOR IT... IT WAS WAY OUT OF MY BALLGAME... BUT HE DID HAVE SOMETHING.

OUT OF MY BALLGAME... BUT HE DID HAVE SOMETHING. HE BROUGHT IT OUT LATER.

HAVE SOMETHING. HE BROUGHT IT OUT LATER. HE SAID, "THIS IS MORE IN YOUR

HE BROUGHT IT OUT LATER. HE SAID, "THIS IS MORE IN YOUR CATEGORY, I THINK, MONEYWISE."

HE SAID, "THIS IS MORE IN YOUR CATEGORY, I THINK, MONEYWISE." AND WHAT IT WAS, WAS A BILL FOR

CATEGORY, I THINK, MONEYWISE." AND WHAT IT WAS, WAS A BILL FOR THE LAST BRUNCH.

AND WHAT IT WAS, WAS A BILL FOR THE LAST BRUNCH. I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW THERE WAS A

THE LAST BRUNCH. I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW THERE WAS A LAST BRUNCH.

I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW THERE WAS A LAST BRUNCH. YOU KNOW, THAT'S NEWS TO ME.

LAST BRUNCH. YOU KNOW, THAT'S NEWS TO ME. I WENT TO THE SEMINARY AND

YOU KNOW, THAT'S NEWS TO ME. I WENT TO THE SEMINARY AND EVERYTHING.

I WENT TO THE SEMINARY AND EVERYTHING. BUT I DID GET IT, AND IT'S

EVERYTHING. BUT I DID GET IT, AND IT'S REALLY SOMETHING.

BUT I DID GET IT, AND IT'S REALLY SOMETHING. AND I KNOW I DIDN'T GET TAKEN

REALLY SOMETHING. AND I KNOW I DIDN'T GET TAKEN 'CAUSE RIGHT HERE IS THE DATE.

AND I KNOW I DIDN'T GET TAKEN 'CAUSE RIGHT HERE IS THE DATE. IT SAYS 4 APRIL, YEAR 33.

'CAUSE RIGHT HERE IS THE DATE. IT SAYS 4 APRIL, YEAR 33. THAT'S OLD.

IT SAYS 4 APRIL, YEAR 33. THAT'S OLD. [LAUGHTER]

THAT'S OLD. [LAUGHTER] YOU KNOW WHAT?

[LAUGHTER] YOU KNOW WHAT? HE WANTED $500 FOR THIS, BUT I

YOU KNOW WHAT? HE WANTED $500 FOR THIS, BUT I PRESBYTERIANED HIM DOWN TO $200.

HE WANTED $500 FOR THIS, BUT I PRESBYTERIANED HIM DOWN TO $200. [LAUGHTER]

PRESBYTERIANED HIM DOWN TO $200. [LAUGHTER] WELL, IT SAYS HERE ALL OF THE

[LAUGHTER] WELL, IT SAYS HERE ALL OF THE THINGS THAT THEY HAD THERE FOR

WELL, IT SAYS HERE ALL OF THE THINGS THAT THEY HAD THERE FOR THAT BRUNCH, AND IT'S

THINGS THAT THEY HAD THERE FOR THAT BRUNCH, AND IT'S SOMETHING... 12 LARGE ORANGE

THAT BRUNCH, AND IT'S SOMETHING... 12 LARGE ORANGE JUICE, 12 EGGS BENEDICT, 12 LOX

SOMETHING... 12 LARGE ORANGE JUICE, 12 EGGS BENEDICT, 12 LOX AND CREAM CHEESE, 12 HOME FRIES,

JUICE, 12 EGGS BENEDICT, 12 LOX AND CREAM CHEESE, 12 HOME FRIES, ONE SOFT-BOILED EGG, THREE

AND CREAM CHEESE, 12 HOME FRIES, ONE SOFT-BOILED EGG, THREE MINUTES, AND THEN 12 COFFEE, AND

ONE SOFT-BOILED EGG, THREE MINUTES, AND THEN 12 COFFEE, AND ONE TEA.

MINUTES, AND THEN 12 COFFEE, AND ONE TEA. WELL, IT WAS PROBABLY THE SAME

ONE TEA. WELL, IT WAS PROBABLY THE SAME GUY THAT HAD THE SOFT-BOILED

WELL, IT WAS PROBABLY THE SAME GUY THAT HAD THE SOFT-BOILED EGG.

GUY THAT HAD THE SOFT-BOILED EGG. ALL TOGETHER COMES HERE TO 155

EGG. ALL TOGETHER COMES HERE TO 155 SHEKELS.

ALL TOGETHER COMES HERE TO 155 SHEKELS. THAT'S WHAT THEY USED TO CALL

SHEKELS. THAT'S WHAT THEY USED TO CALL THEIR MONEY THEN... SHEKELS.

THAT'S WHAT THEY USED TO CALL THEIR MONEY THEN... SHEKELS. AND THIS IS SOMETHING.

THEIR MONEY THEN... SHEKELS. AND THIS IS SOMETHING. DOWN HERE, YOU CAN SEE, SOMEBODY

AND THIS IS SOMETHING. DOWN HERE, YOU CAN SEE, SOMEBODY FIGURED IT OUT.

DOWN HERE, YOU CAN SEE, SOMEBODY FIGURED IT OUT. THEY HAVE, LIKE, 13 DIVIDED INTO

FIGURED IT OUT. THEY HAVE, LIKE, 13 DIVIDED INTO 155, AND THEN IT COMES TO, LIKE,

THEY HAVE, LIKE, 13 DIVIDED INTO 155, AND THEN IT COMES TO, LIKE, 11.92 SHEKELS EACH.

155, AND THEN IT COMES TO, LIKE, 11.92 SHEKELS EACH. WELL, DO YOU SEE WHAT THEY DID

11.92 SHEKELS EACH. WELL, DO YOU SEE WHAT THEY DID HERE?

WELL, DO YOU SEE WHAT THEY DID HERE? THEY MADE THE GUY THAT JUST HAD

HERE? THEY MADE THE GUY THAT JUST HAD THE EGG AND THE TEA PAY AS MUCH

THEY MADE THE GUY THAT JUST HAD THE EGG AND THE TEA PAY AS MUCH AS ALL THOSE THAT ATE ALL OF

THE EGG AND THE TEA PAY AS MUCH AS ALL THOSE THAT ATE ALL OF THOSE THINGS.

AS ALL THOSE THAT ATE ALL OF THOSE THINGS. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

THOSE THINGS. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] THAT'S RIGHT.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] THAT'S RIGHT. AND, YOU SEE, EVEN THOUGH THIS

THAT'S RIGHT. AND, YOU SEE, EVEN THOUGH THIS BILL IS ALMOST 2,000 YEARS OLD,

AND, YOU SEE, EVEN THOUGH THIS BILL IS ALMOST 2,000 YEARS OLD, THERE STILL IS A LESSON TO BE

BILL IS ALMOST 2,000 YEARS OLD, THERE STILL IS A LESSON TO BE LEARNED HERE.

THERE STILL IS A LESSON TO BE LEARNED HERE. IF YOU EVER GO OUT TO EAT IN A

LEARNED HERE. IF YOU EVER GO OUT TO EAT IN A RESTAURANT WITH A BIG GROUP...

IF YOU EVER GO OUT TO EAT IN A RESTAURANT WITH A BIG GROUP... YOU KNOW, BRUNCH, DINNER,

RESTAURANT WITH A BIG GROUP... YOU KNOW, BRUNCH, DINNER, WHATEVER... ALWAYS ORDER THE

YOU KNOW, BRUNCH, DINNER, WHATEVER... ALWAYS ORDER THE MOST EXPENSIVE THING.

WHATEVER... ALWAYS ORDER THE MOST EXPENSIVE THING. THIS WAY, IF THEY DIVIDE UP THE

MOST EXPENSIVE THING. THIS WAY, IF THEY DIVIDE UP THE BILL LIKE THEY DID HERE, YOU

THIS WAY, IF THEY DIVIDE UP THE BILL LIKE THEY DID HERE, YOU KNOW, YOU WON'T GET TAKEN

BILL LIKE THEY DID HERE, YOU KNOW, YOU WON'T GET TAKEN ADVANTAGE OF.

KNOW, YOU WON'T GET TAKEN ADVANTAGE OF. THAT'S A LITTLE FREE TIP THAT I

ADVANTAGE OF. THAT'S A LITTLE FREE TIP THAT I GIVE YOU FOR NOTHING... YOU

THAT'S A LITTLE FREE TIP THAT I GIVE YOU FOR NOTHING... YOU KNOW, FREE.

GIVE YOU FOR NOTHING... YOU KNOW, FREE. IT WAS MORE THAN WONDERFUL

KNOW, FREE. IT WAS MORE THAN WONDERFUL TALKING WITH YOU.

IT WAS MORE THAN WONDERFUL TALKING WITH YOU. ARRIVEDERCI, AMERICA.

TALKING WITH YOU. ARRIVEDERCI, AMERICA. GRAZIE.

ARRIVEDERCI, AMERICA. GRAZIE. LET ME JUST TAKE THE CHECK

GRAZIE. LET ME JUST TAKE THE CHECK FATHER.

LET ME JUST TAKE THE CHECK FATHER. TAKE A LOOK AT.

FATHER. TAKE A LOOK AT. YOU'RE A MAN OF THE CLOTH.

TAKE A LOOK AT. YOU'RE A MAN OF THE CLOTH. THIS IS ON ME.

YOU'RE A MAN OF THE CLOTH. THIS IS ON ME. THAT'S THE NEWS.

THIS IS ON ME. THAT'S THE NEWS. GOOD NIGHT, AND HAVE A PLEASANT

THAT'S THE NEWS. GOOD NIGHT, AND HAVE A PLEASANT TOMORROW.

GOOD NIGHT, AND HAVE A PLEASANT TOMORROW. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

Announcer: TONIGHT, "FAMILY CLASSICS" BEGINS ITS SECOND SEASON WITH PART ONE OF A

"FAMILY CLASSICS" BEGINS ITS SECOND SEASON WITH PART ONE OF A NEW DICKENS NOVEL,

SECOND SEASON WITH PART ONE OF A NEW DICKENS NOVEL, "MILES COWPERTHWAITE."

"THE WRETCHED BIRTH, MISERABLE CHILDHOOD, AGONIZINGLY PAINFUL ADOLESCENCE, AND

MISERABLE CHILDHOOD, AGONIZINGLY PAINFUL ADOLESCENCE, AND APPALLINGLY VILE AND DEGRADING

PAINFUL ADOLESCENCE, AND APPALLINGLY VILE AND DEGRADING DEATH OF MILES COWPERTHWAITE.

APPALLINGLY VILE AND DEGRADING DEATH OF MILES COWPERTHWAITE. CHAPTER ONE... I AM BORN.

DEATH OF MILES COWPERTHWAITE. CHAPTER ONE... I AM BORN. MY NAME IS MILES COWPERTHWAITE,

CHAPTER ONE... I AM BORN. MY NAME IS MILES COWPERTHWAITE, AND I AM, OF COURSE, AN ORPHAN.

MY NAME IS MILES COWPERTHWAITE, AND I AM, OF COURSE, AN ORPHAN. MY FATHER DIED TWO YEARS BEFORE

AND I AM, OF COURSE, AN ORPHAN. MY FATHER DIED TWO YEARS BEFORE I WAS BORN, AND MY MOTHER, A

MY FATHER DIED TWO YEARS BEFORE I WAS BORN, AND MY MOTHER, A YEAR LATER, AND, AGAIN, A YEAR

I WAS BORN, AND MY MOTHER, A YEAR LATER, AND, AGAIN, A YEAR AFTER THAT.

YEAR LATER, AND, AGAIN, A YEAR AFTER THAT. I WAS FOUND, SO I'M TOLD,

AFTER THAT. I WAS FOUND, SO I'M TOLD, STUFFED IN A BOTTLE AND STRAPPED

I WAS FOUND, SO I'M TOLD, STUFFED IN A BOTTLE AND STRAPPED TO THE HULL OF A CESS BARGE NEAR

STUFFED IN A BOTTLE AND STRAPPED TO THE HULL OF A CESS BARGE NEAR STOKE-ON-TRENT.

TO THE HULL OF A CESS BARGE NEAR STOKE-ON-TRENT. EACH DAY, MY LITTLE MATES AND I

STOKE-ON-TRENT. EACH DAY, MY LITTLE MATES AND I WENT DOWN TO MEET THE HOSPITAL

EACH DAY, MY LITTLE MATES AND I WENT DOWN TO MEET THE HOSPITAL SHIPS RETURNING FROM THE CRIMEA,

WENT DOWN TO MEET THE HOSPITAL SHIPS RETURNING FROM THE CRIMEA, WHERE WE WERE ALLOWED TO EAT ALL

SHIPS RETURNING FROM THE CRIMEA, WHERE WE WERE ALLOWED TO EAT ALL THE SOILED LINEN ON BOARD.

BUT DESPITE THE REGULAR MEALS, I

FELT AN INEXPLICABLE LONGING FOR

CHANGE, AND AT THE AGE OF 2, I

RAN AWAY TO CORNWALL, WHERE I

FOUND EMPLOYMENT PICKING THE

NOSES OF CORNISH FISHERMEN FOR A

FEW MUSSELS A WEEK.

IN THE HARD WINTER OF 1842, I

EARNED A FEW EXTRA PENNIES

FEEDING PARTS OF MY BODY TO

STARVING DOGS.

THEN, AT THE AGE OF 10, MY LIFE TOOK AN ABRUPT TURN FOR THE BETTER WHEN I RECEIVED A NOTE

TOOK AN ABRUPT TURN FOR THE BETTER WHEN I RECEIVED A NOTE INVITING ME TO THE HOME OF A

BETTER WHEN I RECEIVED A NOTE INVITING ME TO THE HOME OF A MYSTERIOUS BENEFACTOR IN THE

INVITING ME TO THE HOME OF A MYSTERIOUS BENEFACTOR IN THE NORTHAMPTONSHIRE COUNTRYSIDE."

MYSTERIOUS BENEFACTOR IN THE NORTHAMPTONSHIRE COUNTRYSIDE." WELL, WELL, WELL.

NORTHAMPTONSHIRE COUNTRYSIDE." WELL, WELL, WELL. GOD BLESS US ALL.

WELL, WELL, WELL. GOD BLESS US ALL. SO, YOU'RE THE NEW BOY COME TO

GOD BLESS US ALL. SO, YOU'RE THE NEW BOY COME TO HELP LORD PINKNEY.

SO, YOU'RE THE NEW BOY COME TO HELP LORD PINKNEY. IS THAT IT?

HELP LORD PINKNEY. IS THAT IT? WELL, LOTS OF MERCY, I GUESS.

IS THAT IT? WELL, LOTS OF MERCY, I GUESS. MY, MY.

WELL, LOTS OF MERCY, I GUESS. MY, MY. WELL, I'M PEG THE HOUSEKEEPER,

MY, MY. WELL, I'M PEG THE HOUSEKEEPER, AND IF YOU WANT TO GET ON HERE,

WELL, I'M PEG THE HOUSEKEEPER, AND IF YOU WANT TO GET ON HERE, JUST SEE THAT YOU MIND YOUR

AND IF YOU WANT TO GET ON HERE, JUST SEE THAT YOU MIND YOUR MANNERS AND ATTEND TO YOUR

JUST SEE THAT YOU MIND YOUR MANNERS AND ATTEND TO YOUR DUTIES.

MANNERS AND ATTEND TO YOUR DUTIES. BEGGING YOU PARDON, MA'AM,

DUTIES. BEGGING YOU PARDON, MA'AM, WHAT ARE MY DUTIES?

BEGGING YOU PARDON, MA'AM, WHAT ARE MY DUTIES? I CAN COOK AND SING AND PICK A

WHAT ARE MY DUTIES? I CAN COOK AND SING AND PICK A NOSE AS WELL AS ANY MAN.

I CAN COOK AND SING AND PICK A NOSE AS WELL AS ANY MAN. OH, WELL, I NEVER.

NOSE AS WELL AS ANY MAN. OH, WELL, I NEVER. WELL, JUST LISTEN.

OH, WELL, I NEVER. WELL, JUST LISTEN. YOUR NEW MASTER, LORD PINKNEY,

WELL, JUST LISTEN. YOUR NEW MASTER, LORD PINKNEY, IS THE DEAREST, SWEETEST,

YOUR NEW MASTER, LORD PINKNEY, IS THE DEAREST, SWEETEST, KINDEST MAN WHO EVER DREW

IS THE DEAREST, SWEETEST, KINDEST MAN WHO EVER DREW BREATH, BUT FOR ALL HIS KINDNESS

KINDEST MAN WHO EVER DREW BREATH, BUT FOR ALL HIS KINDNESS AND NOBILITY OF NATURE, THE POOR

BREATH, BUT FOR ALL HIS KINDNESS AND NOBILITY OF NATURE, THE POOR SOUL HAS BEEN VISITED WITH TWO

AND NOBILITY OF NATURE, THE POOR SOUL HAS BEEN VISITED WITH TWO SORRY AFFLICTIONS.

SOUL HAS BEEN VISITED WITH TWO SORRY AFFLICTIONS. ONE, HE SALIVATES EXCESSIVELY,

SORRY AFFLICTIONS. ONE, HE SALIVATES EXCESSIVELY, SO MUCH SO THAT HE MUST ALWAYS

ONE, HE SALIVATES EXCESSIVELY, SO MUCH SO THAT HE MUST ALWAYS WEAR A SILVER DROOL BUCKET

SO MUCH SO THAT HE MUST ALWAYS WEAR A SILVER DROOL BUCKET STRAPPED TO HIS CHIN TO CATCH

WEAR A SILVER DROOL BUCKET STRAPPED TO HIS CHIN TO CATCH THE FLOW.

STRAPPED TO HIS CHIN TO CATCH THE FLOW. TWO, HE SUFFERS FROM A RHYTHMIC

THE FLOW. TWO, HE SUFFERS FROM A RHYTHMIC NERVOUS CONDITION WHICH CAUSES

TWO, HE SUFFERS FROM A RHYTHMIC NERVOUS CONDITION WHICH CAUSES HIM TO FALL INTO FITS WHERE HE

NERVOUS CONDITION WHICH CAUSES HIM TO FALL INTO FITS WHERE HE THRUSTS HIMSELF AGAINST OTHER

HIM TO FALL INTO FITS WHERE HE THRUSTS HIMSELF AGAINST OTHER INDIVIDUALS, DRAPING HIS BODY

THRUSTS HIMSELF AGAINST OTHER INDIVIDUALS, DRAPING HIS BODY AROUND THEIRS AND INVADING THEIR

INDIVIDUALS, DRAPING HIS BODY AROUND THEIRS AND INVADING THEIR PERSONAL SPACES.

AROUND THEIRS AND INVADING THEIR PERSONAL SPACES. WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?

PERSONAL SPACES. WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN? AH, THERE'S THE MASTER NOW.

WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN? AH, THERE'S THE MASTER NOW. WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?

AH, THERE'S THE MASTER NOW. WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN? WILL SOMEONE PLEASE FETCH ME

WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN? WILL SOMEONE PLEASE FETCH ME A FRESH DROOL BUCKET?

WILL SOMEONE PLEASE FETCH ME A FRESH DROOL BUCKET? AH, LORD PINKNEY, HERE'S THE

A FRESH DROOL BUCKET? AH, LORD PINKNEY, HERE'S THE YOUNG BOY, MILES, YOU SENT FOR.

AH, LORD PINKNEY, HERE'S THE YOUNG BOY, MILES, YOU SENT FOR. OH, YOUNG MILES, IS IT?

YOUNG BOY, MILES, YOU SENT FOR. OH, YOUNG MILES, IS IT? WHAT A FINE LAD YOU ARE.

OH, YOUNG MILES, IS IT? WHAT A FINE LAD YOU ARE. SIT DOWN, BOY.

WHAT A FINE LAD YOU ARE. SIT DOWN, BOY. SIT DOWN.

SIT DOWN, BOY. SIT DOWN. OH, WE SHALL GET ON HANDSOMELY,

SIT DOWN. OH, WE SHALL GET ON HANDSOMELY, YOU AND I.

OH, WE SHALL GET ON HANDSOMELY, YOU AND I. YOU SHALL BE CLOTHED AND FED

YOU AND I. YOU SHALL BE CLOTHED AND FED AND...

YOU SHALL BE CLOTHED AND FED AND... OH, DEAR, IT'S HAPPENING.

AND... OH, DEAR, IT'S HAPPENING. I HAVE THIS...

OH, DEAR, IT'S HAPPENING. I HAVE THIS... OH!

I HAVE THIS... OH! OH, DEAR!

OH! OH, DEAR! I'M SO SORRY.

OH, DEAR! I'M SO SORRY. OH, THANK YOU.

I'M SO SORRY. OH, THANK YOU. THANK YOU.

OH, THANK YOU. THANK YOU. THAT WAS A BLOW THAT COULD ONLY

THANK YOU. THAT WAS A BLOW THAT COULD ONLY HAVE BEEN DELIVERED BY MY DEAR

THAT WAS A BLOW THAT COULD ONLY HAVE BEEN DELIVERED BY MY DEAR MISS PEG.

HAVE BEEN DELIVERED BY MY DEAR MISS PEG. OH, DEAR PEG, YOU KNOW JUST THE

MISS PEG. OH, DEAR PEG, YOU KNOW JUST THE SPOT.

OH, DEAR PEG, YOU KNOW JUST THE SPOT. FETCH AFTER FRESH DROOL BUCKET.

OH, THANK YOU, MISS PEG. "AS THE DAYS PASSED, I QUICKLY BECAME ACCUSTOMED TO THE

"AS THE DAYS PASSED, I QUICKLY BECAME ACCUSTOMED TO THE ROUTINE OF LIFE AT PINKNEY HALL.

QUICKLY BECAME ACCUSTOMED TO THE ROUTINE OF LIFE AT PINKNEY HALL. EMPTYING THE MASTER'S DROOL

ROUTINE OF LIFE AT PINKNEY HALL. EMPTYING THE MASTER'S DROOL BUCKETS INTO THE DROOL SLUICES,

EMPTYING THE MASTER'S DROOL BUCKETS INTO THE DROOL SLUICES, WHICH FED INTO THE DROOL

BUCKETS INTO THE DROOL SLUICES, WHICH FED INTO THE DROOL RESERVOIRS, TOOK UP MUCH OF MY

WHICH FED INTO THE DROOL RESERVOIRS, TOOK UP MUCH OF MY TIME, BUT, SADLY, I WAS NOT YET

RESERVOIRS, TOOK UP MUCH OF MY TIME, BUT, SADLY, I WAS NOT YET TRUSTED WITH THE RESPONSIBILITY

TIME, BUT, SADLY, I WAS NOT YET TRUSTED WITH THE RESPONSIBILITY OF HELPING MISS PEG TO WRING OUT

TRUSTED WITH THE RESPONSIBILITY OF HELPING MISS PEG TO WRING OUT THE NAPKINS, PILLOWS, AND

OF HELPING MISS PEG TO WRING OUT THE NAPKINS, PILLOWS, AND HASSOCKS THAT WERE ALWAYS

THE NAPKINS, PILLOWS, AND HASSOCKS THAT WERE ALWAYS STAINED AND SOAKED WITH HIS

HASSOCKS THAT WERE ALWAYS STAINED AND SOAKED WITH HIS LORDSHIP'S DRIBBLINGS.

STAINED AND SOAKED WITH HIS LORDSHIP'S DRIBBLINGS. THEN, ONE DAY, WHILE

LORDSHIP'S DRIBBLINGS. THEN, ONE DAY, WHILE INVESTIGATING A PROBLEM WITH THE

THEN, ONE DAY, WHILE INVESTIGATING A PROBLEM WITH THE LOCKED GATES WHICH CONTROLLED

INVESTIGATING A PROBLEM WITH THE LOCKED GATES WHICH CONTROLLED THE DROOL IRRIGATION SYSTEM

LOCKED GATES WHICH CONTROLLED THE DROOL IRRIGATION SYSTEM THAT WATERED THE VEGETABLE

THE DROOL IRRIGATION SYSTEM THAT WATERED THE VEGETABLE GARDEN, I ENTERED THE COTTAGE OF

THAT WATERED THE VEGETABLE GARDEN, I ENTERED THE COTTAGE OF THE GROUNDSKEEPER, TOM, WHERE I

GARDEN, I ENTERED THE COTTAGE OF THE GROUNDSKEEPER, TOM, WHERE I MADE A MOST UNUSUAL DISCOVERY.

THE GROUNDSKEEPER, TOM, WHERE I MADE A MOST UNUSUAL DISCOVERY. IT WAS A LITTLE GIRL... THE MOST

MADE A MOST UNUSUAL DISCOVERY. IT WAS A LITTLE GIRL... THE MOST BEAUTIFUL GIRL I'D EVER SEEN.

IT WAS A LITTLE GIRL... THE MOST BEAUTIFUL GIRL I'D EVER SEEN. I LEARNED THAT HER NAME WAS

BEAUTIFUL GIRL I'D EVER SEEN. I LEARNED THAT HER NAME WAS LITTLE KATE, THE DAUGHTER OF ONE

I LEARNED THAT HER NAME WAS LITTLE KATE, THE DAUGHTER OF ONE OF THE GROUNDSKEEPERS, AND THAT

LITTLE KATE, THE DAUGHTER OF ONE OF THE GROUNDSKEEPERS, AND THAT SHE WAS DYING... INDEED, HAD

OF THE GROUNDSKEEPERS, AND THAT SHE WAS DYING... INDEED, HAD BEEN DYING FOR AS LONG AS ANYONE

SHE WAS DYING... INDEED, HAD BEEN DYING FOR AS LONG AS ANYONE COULD REMEMBER.

BEEN DYING FOR AS LONG AS ANYONE COULD REMEMBER. I ASKED IF THERE WEREN'T SOME

COULD REMEMBER. I ASKED IF THERE WEREN'T SOME CHANCE SHE MIGHT RECOVER, BUT

I ASKED IF THERE WEREN'T SOME CHANCE SHE MIGHT RECOVER, BUT MISS PEG EXPLAINED TO ME THAT IT

CHANCE SHE MIGHT RECOVER, BUT MISS PEG EXPLAINED TO ME THAT IT WAS USELESS.

MISS PEG EXPLAINED TO ME THAT IT WAS USELESS. ALL THE GROUNDSKEEPERS AND GAME

WAS USELESS. ALL THE GROUNDSKEEPERS AND GAME WARDENS IN ENGLAND HAD BEEN

ALL THE GROUNDSKEEPERS AND GAME WARDENS IN ENGLAND HAD BEEN CONSULTED, AND THE VERDICT WAS

WARDENS IN ENGLAND HAD BEEN CONSULTED, AND THE VERDICT WAS UNANIMOUS.

CONSULTED, AND THE VERDICT WAS UNANIMOUS. ONLY A DOCTOR COULD SAVE HER.

UNANIMOUS. ONLY A DOCTOR COULD SAVE HER. BUT LORD PINKNEY, IN HIS

ONLY A DOCTOR COULD SAVE HER. BUT LORD PINKNEY, IN HIS KINDNESS, VISITED HER OFTEN."

BUT LORD PINKNEY, IN HIS KINDNESS, VISITED HER OFTEN." OH, LITTLE KATE.

KINDNESS, VISITED HER OFTEN." OH, LITTLE KATE. BEGGING YOUR PARDON, YOUR

OH, LITTLE KATE. BEGGING YOUR PARDON, YOUR LORDSHIP.

BEGGING YOUR PARDON, YOUR LORDSHIP. DO YOU THINK THAT LITTLE KATE

LORDSHIP. DO YOU THINK THAT LITTLE KATE WILL LIVE?

DO YOU THINK THAT LITTLE KATE WILL LIVE? OH, TOM, I MUST BE FRANK WITH

WILL LIVE? OH, TOM, I MUST BE FRANK WITH YOU.

OH, TOM, I MUST BE FRANK WITH YOU. LITTLE KATE IS DYING.

YOU. LITTLE KATE IS DYING. WE MUST ALL TRY TO MAKE HER AS

LITTLE KATE IS DYING. WE MUST ALL TRY TO MAKE HER AS COMFORTABLE AS WE CAN.

WE MUST ALL TRY TO MAKE HER AS COMFORTABLE AS WE CAN. WHY, FOR ALL WE KNOW, SHE MAY BE

COMFORTABLE AS WE CAN. WHY, FOR ALL WE KNOW, SHE MAY BE DEAD ALREADY.

WHY, FOR ALL WE KNOW, SHE MAY BE DEAD ALREADY. NO, YOUR LORDSHIP.

DEAD ALREADY. NO, YOUR LORDSHIP. BEGGING YOUR PARDON, I'M STILL

NO, YOUR LORDSHIP. BEGGING YOUR PARDON, I'M STILL CLINGING TO LIFE.

BEGGING YOUR PARDON, I'M STILL CLINGING TO LIFE. YOUR LORDSHIP, I HAVE MADE

CLINGING TO LIFE. YOUR LORDSHIP, I HAVE MADE SOME INQUIRIES, AND I HAVE FOUND

YOUR LORDSHIP, I HAVE MADE SOME INQUIRIES, AND I HAVE FOUND THAT THERE ARE SEVERAL DOCTORS

SOME INQUIRIES, AND I HAVE FOUND THAT THERE ARE SEVERAL DOCTORS IN THE TOWN.

THAT THERE ARE SEVERAL DOCTORS IN THE TOWN. PERHAPS...

IN THE TOWN. PERHAPS... OH, TOM, LITTLE KATE IS

PERHAPS... OH, TOM, LITTLE KATE IS DYING.

OH, TOM, LITTLE KATE IS DYING. SHE HAS ACCEPTED THAT FACT, AND

DYING. SHE HAS ACCEPTED THAT FACT, AND SO MUST WE.

SHE HAS ACCEPTED THAT FACT, AND SO MUST WE. BUT THE VILLAGE IS ONLY A

SO MUST WE. BUT THE VILLAGE IS ONLY A MILE FROM HERE.

BUT THE VILLAGE IS ONLY A MILE FROM HERE. I COULD WALK THERE.

MILE FROM HERE. I COULD WALK THERE. HE'S RIGHT, FATHER.

I COULD WALK THERE. HE'S RIGHT, FATHER. DON'T TROUBLE YOURSELF ON MY

HE'S RIGHT, FATHER. DON'T TROUBLE YOURSELF ON MY ACCOUNT.

DON'T TROUBLE YOURSELF ON MY ACCOUNT. ALL I WANT IS TO REST, AND SOON

ACCOUNT. ALL I WANT IS TO REST, AND SOON I'LL BE WITH MOTHER.

ALL I WANT IS TO REST, AND SOON I'LL BE WITH MOTHER. GOD BLESS US.

I'LL BE WITH MOTHER. GOD BLESS US. OH, WHEN I SEE THE WAY THIS

GOD BLESS US. OH, WHEN I SEE THE WAY THIS LITTLE LAMB RESIGNS HERSELF TO

OH, WHEN I SEE THE WAY THIS LITTLE LAMB RESIGNS HERSELF TO THE DIVINE WILL, I THINK OF HOW

LITTLE LAMB RESIGNS HERSELF TO THE DIVINE WILL, I THINK OF HOW VILE I AM TO COMPLAIN OF MY OWN

THE DIVINE WILL, I THINK OF HOW VILE I AM TO COMPLAIN OF MY OWN AFFLICTIONS.

VILE I AM TO COMPLAIN OF MY OWN AFFLICTIONS. THIS FRAIL LITTLE SPIRIT...

AFFLICTIONS. THIS FRAIL LITTLE SPIRIT... OH, NO.

THIS FRAIL LITTLE SPIRIT... OH, NO. OH. OH!

OH, NO. OH. OH! I'M SO SORRY, KATE.

OH. OH! I'M SO SORRY, KATE. OH. OH.

I'M SO SORRY, KATE. OH. OH. MY LORDSHIP, BEGGING YOUR

OH. OH. MY LORDSHIP, BEGGING YOUR LORDSHIP'S PARDON.

MY LORDSHIP, BEGGING YOUR LORDSHIP'S PARDON. LITTLE KATE NEEDS HER SPACE, AND

LORDSHIP'S PARDON. LITTLE KATE NEEDS HER SPACE, AND YOU'RE INVADING IT.

LITTLE KATE NEEDS HER SPACE, AND YOU'RE INVADING IT. I CAN'T HELP IT.

YOU'RE INVADING IT. I CAN'T HELP IT. OH. OH. OH.

I CAN'T HELP IT. OH. OH. OH. OH, THANK... THANK... THANK YOU.

OH. OH. OH. OH, THANK... THANK... THANK YOU. KATE.

OH, THANK... THANK... THANK YOU. KATE. I'M SORRY, YOUR LORDSHIP, BUT

KATE. I'M SORRY, YOUR LORDSHIP, BUT IT WAS GETTING DIFFICULT FOR ME

I'M SORRY, YOUR LORDSHIP, BUT IT WAS GETTING DIFFICULT FOR ME TO BREATHE.

IT WAS GETTING DIFFICULT FOR ME TO BREATHE. THAT'S QUITE ALL RIGHT, DEAR,

TO BREATHE. THAT'S QUITE ALL RIGHT, DEAR, DEAR LITTLE KATE.

THAT'S QUITE ALL RIGHT, DEAR, DEAR LITTLE KATE. "THE GOODNESS IN KATE'S

DEAR LITTLE KATE. "THE GOODNESS IN KATE'S FRAIL, LITTLE BEING SHONE

"THE GOODNESS IN KATE'S FRAIL, LITTLE BEING SHONE THROUGH THE VEIL OF HER

FRAIL, LITTLE BEING SHONE THROUGH THE VEIL OF HER AFFLICTION AND MADE ME LOVE HER

THROUGH THE VEIL OF HER AFFLICTION AND MADE ME LOVE HER FROM THE FIRST.

AFFLICTION AND MADE ME LOVE HER FROM THE FIRST. I WAS NOW HAPPIER IN MY

FROM THE FIRST. I WAS NOW HAPPIER IN MY SITUATION THAN I HAD EVER BEEN

I WAS NOW HAPPIER IN MY SITUATION THAN I HAD EVER BEEN AND GROWING EVER MORE PROFICIENT

SITUATION THAN I HAD EVER BEEN AND GROWING EVER MORE PROFICIENT IN MY DUTIES.

AND GROWING EVER MORE PROFICIENT IN MY DUTIES. THE COLONEL'S DROOL BUCKETS WERE

IN MY DUTIES. THE COLONEL'S DROOL BUCKETS WERE NEVER CLEANER, AND I HAD LEARNED

THE COLONEL'S DROOL BUCKETS WERE NEVER CLEANER, AND I HAD LEARNED TO CONTROL HIS SPASMS WITH A

NEVER CLEANER, AND I HAD LEARNED TO CONTROL HIS SPASMS WITH A SINGLE BLOW FROM A MALLET I

TO CONTROL HIS SPASMS WITH A SINGLE BLOW FROM A MALLET I ALWAYS CARRIED AT MY SIDE, BUT

SINGLE BLOW FROM A MALLET I ALWAYS CARRIED AT MY SIDE, BUT SUCH HAPPINESS COULD NEVER

ALWAYS CARRIED AT MY SIDE, BUT SUCH HAPPINESS COULD NEVER LAST."

SUCH HAPPINESS COULD NEVER LAST." THANK YOU.

LAST." THANK YOU. THANK YOU, MILES, MY BOY.

THANK YOU. THANK YOU, MILES, MY BOY. DISAGREEABLE AS YOUR JOB MAY BE,

THANK YOU, MILES, MY BOY. DISAGREEABLE AS YOUR JOB MAY BE, YOU PERFORM IT WITH A GOOD

DISAGREEABLE AS YOUR JOB MAY BE, YOU PERFORM IT WITH A GOOD HEART.

YOU PERFORM IT WITH A GOOD HEART. OH, BUT, SIR, I'VE GROWN TO

HEART. OH, BUT, SIR, I'VE GROWN TO LOVE HANDLING HUGE, SLOSHING

OH, BUT, SIR, I'VE GROWN TO LOVE HANDLING HUGE, SLOSHING PAILS OF YOUR VISCOUS,

LOVE HANDLING HUGE, SLOSHING PAILS OF YOUR VISCOUS, EVIL-SMELLING DROOL.

PAILS OF YOUR VISCOUS, EVIL-SMELLING DROOL. GOD BLESS YOU, MY BOY, BUT,

EVIL-SMELLING DROOL. GOD BLESS YOU, MY BOY, BUT, NO, YOU MUST LEARN A REAL TRADE.

GOD BLESS YOU, MY BOY, BUT, NO, YOU MUST LEARN A REAL TRADE. THE TIME HAS COME, MILES, FOR

NO, YOU MUST LEARN A REAL TRADE. THE TIME HAS COME, MILES, FOR YOU TO LEAVE US, AND,

THE TIME HAS COME, MILES, FOR YOU TO LEAVE US, AND, ACCORDINGLY, I HAVE ARRANGED FOR

YOU TO LEAVE US, AND, ACCORDINGLY, I HAVE ARRANGED FOR YOU TO MEET YOUR NEW MASTER.

ACCORDINGLY, I HAVE ARRANGED FOR YOU TO MEET YOUR NEW MASTER. CAPTAIN NED, WOULD YOU STEP

YOU TO MEET YOUR NEW MASTER. CAPTAIN NED, WOULD YOU STEP INSIDE, PLEASE?

CAPTAIN NED, WOULD YOU STEP INSIDE, PLEASE? CAPTAIN NED.

INSIDE, PLEASE? CAPTAIN NED. MILES, YOU MAY MEET YOUR NEW

CAPTAIN NED. MILES, YOU MAY MEET YOUR NEW MASTER, CAPTAIN NED, AND HIS

MILES, YOU MAY MEET YOUR NEW MASTER, CAPTAIN NED, AND HIS MATE, HODO.

MASTER, CAPTAIN NED, AND HIS MATE, HODO. AYE, HE'LL MAKE A FIND CABIN

MATE, HODO. AYE, HE'LL MAKE A FIND CABIN BOY.

AYE, HE'LL MAKE A FIND CABIN BOY. OH, PLEASE, LET'S TAKE HIM

BOY. OH, PLEASE, LET'S TAKE HIM WITH US.

OH, PLEASE, LET'S TAKE HIM WITH US. OF COURSE WE'LL TAKE HIM WITH

WITH US. OF COURSE WE'LL TAKE HIM WITH US.

OF COURSE WE'LL TAKE HIM WITH US. WE'LL MAKE A MAN OUT OF HIM... A

US. WE'LL MAKE A MAN OUT OF HIM... A MAN AMONG MEN, A MAN WHO WILL

WE'LL MAKE A MAN OUT OF HIM... A MAN AMONG MEN, A MAN WHO WILL GROW AND UNDERSTAND AND NEED THE

MAN AMONG MEN, A MAN WHO WILL GROW AND UNDERSTAND AND NEED THE COMPANY OF OTHER MEN.

GROW AND UNDERSTAND AND NEED THE COMPANY OF OTHER MEN. HE'LL SEE A MAN'S WORLD THE WAY

COMPANY OF OTHER MEN. HE'LL SEE A MAN'S WORLD THE WAY MEN SEE IT, WITH THE EYES OF A

HE'LL SEE A MAN'S WORLD THE WAY MEN SEE IT, WITH THE EYES OF A MAN AND A MAN'S SHIP WITH OTHER

MEN SEE IT, WITH THE EYES OF A MAN AND A MAN'S SHIP WITH OTHER MEN.

MAN AND A MAN'S SHIP WITH OTHER MEN. MYKONOS, KEY WEST,

MEN. MYKONOS, KEY WEST, SAN FRANCISCO... HE'LL SEE IT

MYKONOS, KEY WEST, SAN FRANCISCO... HE'LL SEE IT ALL.

SAN FRANCISCO... HE'LL SEE IT ALL. MAN'S PORTS... EVERY ONE!

ALL. MAN'S PORTS... EVERY ONE! [LAUGHS]

MAN'S PORTS... EVERY ONE! [LAUGHS] CAPTAIN NED, I AM SURE YOU'LL

[LAUGHS] CAPTAIN NED, I AM SURE YOU'LL FIND YOUNG MILES TO BE A

CAPTAIN NED, I AM SURE YOU'LL FIND YOUNG MILES TO BE A HARDWORKING AND DEDICATED

FIND YOUNG MILES TO BE A HARDWORKING AND DEDICATED COMPANION.

HARDWORKING AND DEDICATED COMPANION. YOU KNOW, HE'S ALMOST TOO

COMPANION. YOU KNOW, HE'S ALMOST TOO GOOD-LOOKING.

YOU KNOW, HE'S ALMOST TOO GOOD-LOOKING. YES, HE IS.

GOOD-LOOKING. YES, HE IS. OH, WELL, MILES, WE SHALL ALL

YES, HE IS. OH, WELL, MILES, WE SHALL ALL MISS YOU.

OH, WELL, MILES, WE SHALL ALL MISS YOU. WE SHALL ALL MISS YOU.

MISS YOU. WE SHALL ALL MISS YOU. YES, MILES, YOU'VE BEEN SO KIND

WE SHALL ALL MISS YOU. YES, MILES, YOU'VE BEEN SO KIND TO ME AND LITTLE KATE.

YES, MILES, YOU'VE BEEN SO KIND TO ME AND LITTLE KATE. WE'LL NEVER FORGET YOU.

TO ME AND LITTLE KATE. WE'LL NEVER FORGET YOU. I'LL MISS ALL OF YOU, AND,

WE'LL NEVER FORGET YOU. I'LL MISS ALL OF YOU, AND, LITTLE MISS KATE, I'LL COME BACK

I'LL MISS ALL OF YOU, AND, LITTLE MISS KATE, I'LL COME BACK FOR YOU.

LITTLE MISS KATE, I'LL COME BACK FOR YOU. YEAH, IT'S A FINE THOUGHT,

FOR YOU. YEAH, IT'S A FINE THOUGHT, LAD, BUT I'M SURE SHE'LL BE DEAD

YEAH, IT'S A FINE THOUGHT, LAD, BUT I'M SURE SHE'LL BE DEAD BY THEN.

LAD, BUT I'M SURE SHE'LL BE DEAD BY THEN. OH, MY, YES, STONE DEAD.

BY THEN. OH, MY, YES, STONE DEAD. GOD BLESS US.

OH, MY, YES, STONE DEAD. GOD BLESS US. OH, YES, DEAD AS A DOORNAIL,

GOD BLESS US. OH, YES, DEAD AS A DOORNAIL, BUT DON'T WORRY ABOUT ME.

OH, YES, DEAD AS A DOORNAIL, BUT DON'T WORRY ABOUT ME. OH, DEAR, I'M SO OVERCOME.

BUT DON'T WORRY ABOUT ME. OH, DEAR, I'M SO OVERCOME. OH! OH! OH! OH! OH! OH!

OH, DEAR, I'M SO OVERCOME. OH! OH! OH! OH! OH! OH! THANK YOU, ONE AND ALL.

OH! OH! OH! OH! OH! OH! THANK YOU, ONE AND ALL. THANK YOU.

THANK YOU, ONE AND ALL. THANK YOU. "AND SO, AFTER YEARS OF

THANK YOU. "AND SO, AFTER YEARS OF PAINFUL EXPERIENCE OF THE WORLD,

"AND SO, AFTER YEARS OF PAINFUL EXPERIENCE OF THE WORLD, I FOUND HAPPINESS FOR A TIME,

PAINFUL EXPERIENCE OF THE WORLD, I FOUND HAPPINESS FOR A TIME, ONLY TO LOSE IT.

I FOUND HAPPINESS FOR A TIME, ONLY TO LOSE IT. OF MY TRAVELS WITH CAPTAIN NED

ONLY TO LOSE IT. OF MY TRAVELS WITH CAPTAIN NED AND HODO ABOARD

OF MY TRAVELS WITH CAPTAIN NED AND HODO ABOARD THE RAGING QUEEN, THE READER

AND HODO ABOARD THE RAGING QUEEN, THE READER SHALL LEARN IN MY NEXT CHAPTER,

THE RAGING QUEEN, THE READER SHALL LEARN IN MY NEXT CHAPTER, 'I AM NAILED TO THE HULL.'"

Announcer: ONCE AGAIN, THE DOOBIE BROTHERS. [APPLAUSE]

THE DOOBIE BROTHERS. [APPLAUSE] ["TAKIN' IT TO THE STREETS"

[APPLAUSE] ["TAKIN' IT TO THE STREETS" PLAYS]

♪ YOU DON'T KNOW ME, BUT I'M YOUR BROTHER ♪ ♪ I WAS RAISED HERE IN THIS

BUT I'M YOUR BROTHER ♪ ♪ I WAS RAISED HERE IN THIS LIVING HELL ♪

♪ I WAS RAISED HERE IN THIS LIVING HELL ♪ ♪ YOU DON'T KNOW MY KIND IN

LIVING HELL ♪ ♪ YOU DON'T KNOW MY KIND IN YOUR WORLD ♪

♪ YOU DON'T KNOW MY KIND IN YOUR WORLD ♪ ♪ FAIRLY SOON TIME WILL TELL ♪

YOUR WORLD ♪ ♪ FAIRLY SOON TIME WILL TELL ♪ ♪ YOU ♪

♪ FAIRLY SOON TIME WILL TELL ♪ ♪ YOU ♪ ♪ TELLING ME THE THINGS

♪ YOU ♪ ♪ TELLING ME THE THINGS YOU'RE GONNA DO FOR ME ♪

♪ TELLING ME THE THINGS YOU'RE GONNA DO FOR ME ♪ ♪ NO, I AIN'T BLIND ♪

YOU'RE GONNA DO FOR ME ♪ ♪ NO, I AIN'T BLIND ♪ ♪ I DON'T LIKE WHAT I THINK

♪ NO, I AIN'T BLIND ♪ ♪ I DON'T LIKE WHAT I THINK I SEE ♪

♪ I DON'T LIKE WHAT I THINK I SEE ♪ ♪ TAKIN' IT TO THE STREETS ♪

I SEE ♪ ♪ TAKIN' IT TO THE STREETS ♪ ♪ WE'RE TAKIN' IT TO

♪ TAKIN' IT TO THE STREETS ♪ ♪ WE'RE TAKIN' IT TO THE STREETS ♪

♪ WE'RE TAKIN' IT TO THE STREETS ♪ ♪ TAKIN' IT TO THE STREETS ♪

THE STREETS ♪ ♪ TAKIN' IT TO THE STREETS ♪ ♪ NO MORE NEED FOR RUNNING ♪

♪ TAKIN' IT TO THE STREETS ♪ ♪ NO MORE NEED FOR RUNNING ♪ ♪ NO MORE NEED FOR HIDING ♪

♪ NO MORE NEED FOR RUNNING ♪ ♪ NO MORE NEED FOR HIDING ♪ ♪ TAKE THIS MESSAGE TO

♪ NO MORE NEED FOR HIDING ♪ ♪ TAKE THIS MESSAGE TO MY BROTHER ♪

♪ TAKE THIS MESSAGE TO MY BROTHER ♪ ♪ YOU WILL FIND HIM EVERYWHERE ♪

MY BROTHER ♪ ♪ YOU WILL FIND HIM EVERYWHERE ♪ ♪ WHEREVER PEOPLE LIVE

♪ YOU WILL FIND HIM EVERYWHERE ♪ ♪ WHEREVER PEOPLE LIVE TOGETHER ♪

♪ WHEREVER PEOPLE LIVE TOGETHER ♪ ♪ TIED IN POVERTY'S DESPAIR ♪

TOGETHER ♪ ♪ TIED IN POVERTY'S DESPAIR ♪ ♪ OH, YOU ♪

♪ TIED IN POVERTY'S DESPAIR ♪ ♪ OH, YOU ♪ ♪ TELLING ME THE THINGS

♪ OH, YOU ♪ ♪ TELLING ME THE THINGS YOU'RE GONNA DO FOR ME ♪

♪ TELLING ME THE THINGS YOU'RE GONNA DO FOR ME ♪ ♪ NO, NOW ♪

YOU'RE GONNA DO FOR ME ♪ ♪ NO, NOW ♪ ♪ I AIN'T BLIND ♪

♪ NO, NOW ♪ ♪ I AIN'T BLIND ♪ ♪ I DON'T LIKE WHAT I THINK

♪ I AIN'T BLIND ♪ ♪ I DON'T LIKE WHAT I THINK I SEE ♪

♪ I DON'T LIKE WHAT I THINK I SEE ♪ ♪ TAKIN' IT TO THE STREETS ♪

I SEE ♪ ♪ TAKIN' IT TO THE STREETS ♪ ♪ WE'RE TAKIN' IT TO

♪ TAKIN' IT TO THE STREETS ♪ ♪ WE'RE TAKIN' IT TO THE STREETS ♪

♪ WE'RE TAKIN' IT TO THE STREETS ♪ ♪ TAKIN' IT TO THE STREETS ♪

THE STREETS ♪ ♪ TAKIN' IT TO THE STREETS ♪ ♪ NO MORE NEED FOR HIDING ♪

♪ TAKIN' IT TO THE STREETS ♪ ♪ NO MORE NEED FOR HIDING ♪ ♪ YEAH, YEAH ♪

♪ NO MORE NEED FOR HIDING ♪ ♪ YEAH, YEAH ♪ ♪ TAKIN' IT TO THE STREETS ♪

♪ YEAH, YEAH ♪ ♪ TAKIN' IT TO THE STREETS ♪ ♪ NO, NOW ♪

♪ TAKIN' IT TO THE STREETS ♪ ♪ NO, NOW ♪ ♪ TAKIN' IT TO THE STREETS ♪

♪ NO, NOW ♪ ♪ TAKIN' IT TO THE STREETS ♪ ♪ YEAH, YEAH ♪

♪ TAKIN' IT TO THE STREETS ♪ ♪ YEAH, YEAH ♪ ♪ TAKIN' IT TO THE STREETS ♪

♪ YEAH, YEAH ♪ ♪ TAKIN' IT TO THE STREETS ♪ ♪ TAKIN' IT, TAKIN' IT ♪

♪ TAKIN' IT TO THE STREETS ♪ ♪ TAKIN' IT, TAKIN' IT ♪ ♪ TAKIN' IT TO THE... ♪

♪ TAKIN' IT, TAKIN' IT ♪ ♪ TAKIN' IT TO THE... ♪ [ELECTRIC-GUITAR SOLO]

♪ TAKIN' IT TO THE STREETS ♪ ♪ WE'RE TAKIN' IT TO THE STREETS ♪

♪ WE'RE TAKIN' IT TO THE STREETS ♪ ♪ NO MORE NEED FOR RUNNING ♪

THE STREETS ♪ ♪ NO MORE NEED FOR RUNNING ♪ ♪ NO MORE NEED FOR HIDING ♪

♪ NO MORE NEED FOR RUNNING ♪ ♪ NO MORE NEED FOR HIDING ♪ ♪ YEAH, YEAH ♪

♪ NO MORE NEED FOR HIDING ♪ ♪ YEAH, YEAH ♪ ♪ TAKIN' IT TO THE STREETS ♪

♪ YEAH, YEAH ♪ ♪ TAKIN' IT TO THE STREETS ♪ ♪ TAKIN' IT, TAKIN' IT ♪

♪ TAKIN' IT TO THE STREETS ♪ ♪ TAKIN' IT, TAKIN' IT ♪ ♪ TAKIN' IT TO THE STREETS ♪

♪ TAKIN' IT, TAKIN' IT ♪ ♪ TAKIN' IT TO THE STREETS ♪ ♪ TAKIN' MY BROTHER ♪

♪ TAKIN' IT TO THE STREETS ♪ ♪ TAKIN' MY BROTHER ♪ ♪ TAKIN' IT TO THE STREETS ♪

♪ TAKIN' MY BROTHER ♪ ♪ TAKIN' IT TO THE STREETS ♪ ♪ YEAH, YEAH ♪

♪ TAKIN' IT TO THE STREETS ♪ ♪ YEAH, YEAH ♪ ♪ TAKIN' IT TO THE...

♪ YEAH, YEAH ♪ ♪ TAKIN' IT TO THE... WHOO ♪

♪ TAKIN' IT TO THE... WHOO ♪ ♪ WHOO OOH-OOH-OOH-HOO ♪

WHOO ♪ ♪ WHOO OOH-OOH-OOH-HOO ♪ YEAH!

♪ WHOO OOH-OOH-OOH-HOO ♪ YEAH! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

THANK YOU.

HELLO, AND WELCOME TO "NAME THE BATS," WHERE EVERYBODY'S ON A FIRST-NAME

"NAME THE BATS," WHERE EVERYBODY'S ON A FIRST-NAME BASIS... NO LAST NAMES.

EVERYBODY'S ON A FIRST-NAME BASIS... NO LAST NAMES. AND HELLO TO OUR CONTESTANTS.

BASIS... NO LAST NAMES. AND HELLO TO OUR CONTESTANTS. H-HELLO.

AND HELLO TO OUR CONTESTANTS. H-HELLO. HOW ARE YOU?

H-HELLO. HOW ARE YOU? WHAT ARE YOUR NAMES?

HOW ARE YOU? WHAT ARE YOUR NAMES? NO LAST NAMES, PLEASE.

WHAT ARE YOUR NAMES? NO LAST NAMES, PLEASE. MY NAME IS JOAN.

NO LAST NAMES, PLEASE. MY NAME IS JOAN. I'M STEVE.

MY NAME IS JOAN. I'M STEVE. GREAT.

I'M STEVE. GREAT. DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?

GREAT. DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM? YOU'RE THE HOST.

DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM? YOU'RE THE HOST. CLOSE ENOUGH.

YOU'RE THE HOST. CLOSE ENOUGH. IT'S JERRY.

CLOSE ENOUGH. IT'S JERRY. THIS IS "NAME THE BATS," THE

IT'S JERRY. THIS IS "NAME THE BATS," THE SHOW WHERE EVERYBODY LEAVES

THIS IS "NAME THE BATS," THE SHOW WHERE EVERYBODY LEAVES THEIR LAST NAMES IN THEIR OTHER

SHOW WHERE EVERYBODY LEAVES THEIR LAST NAMES IN THEIR OTHER PANTS.

THEIR LAST NAMES IN THEIR OTHER PANTS. NOW... HA HA HA... ARE YOU READY

PANTS. NOW... HA HA HA... ARE YOU READY TO PLAY?

NOW... HA HA HA... ARE YOU READY TO PLAY? ARE WE?

TO PLAY? ARE WE? OKAY.

ARE WE? OKAY. YES. WE ARE.

OKAY. YES. WE ARE. WE SURE ARE.

YES. WE ARE. WE SURE ARE. NOW YOU BOTH GO INTO THE BARN

WE SURE ARE. NOW YOU BOTH GO INTO THE BARN HERE AND START NAMING ALL THE

NOW YOU BOTH GO INTO THE BARN HERE AND START NAMING ALL THE BATS THAT ARE IN THERE.

HERE AND START NAMING ALL THE BATS THAT ARE IN THERE. YOU GET $180 FOR EVERY BAT YOU

BATS THAT ARE IN THERE. YOU GET $180 FOR EVERY BAT YOU CAN NAME.

YOU GET $180 FOR EVERY BAT YOU CAN NAME. ALL RIGHT.

CAN NAME. ALL RIGHT. ARE YOU READY?

ALL RIGHT. ARE YOU READY? YES. WE ARE.

ARE YOU READY? YES. WE ARE. WE CERTAINLY ARE.

YES. WE ARE. WE CERTAINLY ARE. OKAY.

WE CERTAINLY ARE. OKAY. IN YOU GO.

OKAY. IN YOU GO. AND START NAMING THE BATS!

IN YOU GO. AND START NAMING THE BATS! THERE ARE NO BATS IN HERE.

AND START NAMING THE BATS! THERE ARE NO BATS IN HERE. I CAN'T SEE ANY BATS.

THERE ARE NO BATS IN HERE. I CAN'T SEE ANY BATS. AAAAAH!

I CAN'T SEE ANY BATS. AAAAAH! [BATS SCREECHING]

AAAAAH! [BATS SCREECHING] CAN YOU SEE THEM NOW?!

[BATS SCREECHING] CAN YOU SEE THEM NOW?! YEAH, YEAH!

CAN YOU SEE THEM NOW?! YEAH, YEAH! WE CAN SEE THEM!

YEAH, YEAH! WE CAN SEE THEM! GOOD GOD!

WE CAN SEE THEM! GOOD GOD! OKAY, OKAY, OKAY, OKAY!

GOOD GOD! OKAY, OKAY, OKAY, OKAY! AAAAH!

OKAY, OKAY, OKAY, OKAY! AAAAH! THE TIME IS RUNNING!

AAAAH! THE TIME IS RUNNING! START NAMING THE BATS!

THE TIME IS RUNNING! START NAMING THE BATS! OH, NO!

START NAMING THE BATS! OH, NO! HOLD STILL! HOLD STILL!

OH, NO! HOLD STILL! HOLD STILL! IT'S IN MY HAIR!

HOLD STILL! HOLD STILL! IT'S IN MY HAIR! GET IT OUT OF MY HAIR!

IT'S IN MY HAIR! GET IT OUT OF MY HAIR! JUST HOLD STILL!

GET IT OUT OF MY HAIR! JUST HOLD STILL! I GOT TO SEE WHAT KIND OF BAT IT

JUST HOLD STILL! I GOT TO SEE WHAT KIND OF BAT IT IS!

I GOT TO SEE WHAT KIND OF BAT IT IS! COME ON, YOU TWO!

IS! COME ON, YOU TWO! COME ON!

COME ON, YOU TWO! COME ON! START NAMING THE BATS!

COME ON! START NAMING THE BATS! GET IT OUT OF MY HAIR!

START NAMING THE BATS! GET IT OUT OF MY HAIR! IT'S A FRUIT BAT!

GET IT OUT OF MY HAIR! IT'S A FRUIT BAT! PUT US DOWN FOR A FRUIT BAT!

IT'S A FRUIT BAT! PUT US DOWN FOR A FRUIT BAT! OH, MY GOD!

PUT US DOWN FOR A FRUIT BAT! OH, MY GOD! THERE'S A VAMPIRE BAT!

OH, MY GOD! THERE'S A VAMPIRE BAT! NO, THERE YOU GO!

THERE'S A VAMPIRE BAT! NO, THERE YOU GO! NO, YOU'RE PLAYING THE GAME

NO, THERE YOU GO! NO, YOU'RE PLAYING THE GAME WRONG!

NO, YOU'RE PLAYING THE GAME WRONG! WHERE THE HELL DID IT GO?!

WRONG! WHERE THE HELL DID IT GO?! WHAT DO YOU MEAN WE'RE PLAYING

WHERE THE HELL DID IT GO?! WHAT DO YOU MEAN WE'RE PLAYING IT WRONG?!

WHAT DO YOU MEAN WE'RE PLAYING IT WRONG?! WATCH OUT!

IT WRONG?! WATCH OUT! OW!

WATCH OUT! OW! AAAAAAH!

OW! AAAAAAH! YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO NAME THE

AAAAAAH! YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO NAME THE BATS!

YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO NAME THE BATS! DON'T TELL US WHAT KIND OF BATS

BATS! DON'T TELL US WHAT KIND OF BATS THEY ARE!

DON'T TELL US WHAT KIND OF BATS THEY ARE! WE KNOW WHAT KIND OF BATS THEY

THEY ARE! WE KNOW WHAT KIND OF BATS THEY ARE!

WE KNOW WHAT KIND OF BATS THEY ARE! WHO DO YOU THINK PUT THEM IN

ARE! WHO DO YOU THINK PUT THEM IN THERE?!

WHO DO YOU THINK PUT THEM IN THERE?! COME ON!

THERE?! COME ON! JUST START GIVING THEM NAMES!

COME ON! JUST START GIVING THEM NAMES! LET US OUT OF HERE!

JUST START GIVING THEM NAMES! LET US OUT OF HERE! YOU MEAN WE HAVE TO GIVE

LET US OUT OF HERE! YOU MEAN WE HAVE TO GIVE THESE BATS NAMES?!

YOU MEAN WE HAVE TO GIVE THESE BATS NAMES?! WATCH OUT!

THESE BATS NAMES?! WATCH OUT! COME ON, COME ON!

WATCH OUT! COME ON, COME ON! REGULAR NAMES... NOTHING TOO

COME ON, COME ON! REGULAR NAMES... NOTHING TOO FANCY!

REGULAR NAMES... NOTHING TOO FANCY! NAMES THAT PEOPLE KNOW!

FANCY! NAMES THAT PEOPLE KNOW! WE WON'T DO IT!

NAMES THAT PEOPLE KNOW! WE WON'T DO IT! OPEN THE DOOR!

WE WON'T DO IT! OPEN THE DOOR! ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT,

OPEN THE DOOR! ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT. OKAY.

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT. OKAY. [PANTING]

WELL, YOU SURE MADE A MESS OF OUR CUBICLE. ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.

OUR CUBICLE. ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT. TOO BAD, TOO BAD... YOU DIDN'T

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT. TOO BAD, TOO BAD... YOU DIDN'T WIN THE BIG MONEY.

TOO BAD, TOO BAD... YOU DIDN'T WIN THE BIG MONEY. YOU HAD SOME TROUBLE WITH THE

WIN THE BIG MONEY. YOU HAD SOME TROUBLE WITH THE RULES.

YOU HAD SOME TROUBLE WITH THE RULES. IT'S A SHAME.

RULES. IT'S A SHAME. IT'S A BEAUTIFUL GAME WHEN IT'S

IT'S A SHAME. IT'S A BEAUTIFUL GAME WHEN IT'S PLAYED WELL.

IT'S A BEAUTIFUL GAME WHEN IT'S PLAYED WELL. BUT WE'RE NOT GONNA LET YOU GO

PLAYED WELL. BUT WE'RE NOT GONNA LET YOU GO HOME EMPTY-HANDED.

BUT WE'RE NOT GONNA LET YOU GO HOME EMPTY-HANDED. NATURALLY ENOUGH, WE DON'T HAVE

HOME EMPTY-HANDED. NATURALLY ENOUGH, WE DON'T HAVE A HOME VERSION OF

NATURALLY ENOUGH, WE DON'T HAVE A HOME VERSION OF "NAME THE BATS," BUT WE CAN GIVE

A HOME VERSION OF "NAME THE BATS," BUT WE CAN GIVE YOU...

"NAME THE BATS," BUT WE CAN GIVE YOU... TWO MORE MINUTES WITH THE BATS!

YOU... TWO MORE MINUTES WITH THE BATS! GET IN THERE!

TWO MORE MINUTES WITH THE BATS! GET IN THERE! IN YOU GO!

GET IN THERE! IN YOU GO! COME ON!

IN YOU GO! COME ON! GO!

COME ON! GO! COME ON, NAME THEM!

Announcer: IT'S TIME FOR "THE FRANKEN AND DAVIS SHOW," STARRING AL FRANKEN AND

"THE FRANKEN AND DAVIS SHOW," STARRING AL FRANKEN AND TOM DAVIS.

STARRING AL FRANKEN AND TOM DAVIS. AND NOW HERE'S AL AND TOM.

TOM DAVIS. AND NOW HERE'S AL AND TOM. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

THANK YOU VERY MUCH. GOOD EVENING, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, AND WELCOME TO THE

GOOD EVENING, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, AND WELCOME TO THE SHOW.

GENTLEMEN, AND WELCOME TO THE SHOW. NOW, THOSE OF YOU WHO ARE

SHOW. NOW, THOSE OF YOU WHO ARE FAMILIAR WITH

NOW, THOSE OF YOU WHO ARE FAMILIAR WITH "THE FRANKEN AND DAVIS SHOW"

FAMILIAR WITH "THE FRANKEN AND DAVIS SHOW" KNOW THAT BOTH AL AND I ARE

"THE FRANKEN AND DAVIS SHOW" KNOW THAT BOTH AL AND I ARE INTERNATIONAL COMMUNIST

KNOW THAT BOTH AL AND I ARE INTERNATIONAL COMMUNIST REVOLUTIONARIES.

INTERNATIONAL COMMUNIST REVOLUTIONARIES. THANK YOU.

REVOLUTIONARIES. THANK YOU. THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

THANK YOU. THANK YOU VERY MUCH. THANK YOU.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH. THANK YOU. THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

THANK YOU. THANK YOU VERY MUCH. AND OUR SPECIAL GUEST STARS

THANK YOU VERY MUCH. AND OUR SPECIAL GUEST STARS TONIGHT... AND THIS IS QUITE A

AND OUR SPECIAL GUEST STARS TONIGHT... AND THIS IS QUITE A THRILL... ARE TWO GIANT

TONIGHT... AND THIS IS QUITE A THRILL... ARE TWO GIANT SUPERSTARS.

THRILL... ARE TWO GIANT SUPERSTARS. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, PLEASE

SUPERSTARS. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, PLEASE WELCOME LARAINE NEWMAN AND

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, PLEASE WELCOME LARAINE NEWMAN AND GILDA RADNER.

WELCOME LARAINE NEWMAN AND GILDA RADNER. YEAH!

GILDA RADNER. YEAH! YEAH!

YEAH! YEAH! COME ON! YEAH!

YEAH! COME ON! YEAH! COME ON OUT HERE, GIRLS.

COME ON! YEAH! COME ON OUT HERE, GIRLS. HI.

COME ON OUT HERE, GIRLS. HI. WELCOME TO THE SHOW.

HI. WELCOME TO THE SHOW. THANKS, TOM.

WELCOME TO THE SHOW. THANKS, TOM. THANKS FOR COMING ON, GIRLS.

THANKS, TOM. THANKS FOR COMING ON, GIRLS. THANK YOU, GUYS.

THANKS FOR COMING ON, GIRLS. THANK YOU, GUYS. YOU KNOW, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

THANK YOU, GUYS. YOU KNOW, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, WHEN LARAINE AND I WERE ASKED TO

YOU KNOW, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, WHEN LARAINE AND I WERE ASKED TO DO THE SHOW, WE JUMPED AT THE

WHEN LARAINE AND I WERE ASKED TO DO THE SHOW, WE JUMPED AT THE CHANCE BECAUSE, LIKE TOM AND AL,

DO THE SHOW, WE JUMPED AT THE CHANCE BECAUSE, LIKE TOM AND AL, LARAINE AND I ARE WORKING TOWARD

CHANCE BECAUSE, LIKE TOM AND AL, LARAINE AND I ARE WORKING TOWARD THE DAY WHEN THE ENTIRE WORLD

LARAINE AND I ARE WORKING TOWARD THE DAY WHEN THE ENTIRE WORLD WILL BE RULED BY ONE MARXIST

THE DAY WHEN THE ENTIRE WORLD WILL BE RULED BY ONE MARXIST GOVERNMENT.

WILL BE RULED BY ONE MARXIST GOVERNMENT. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

GOVERNMENT. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] THAT'S RIGHT.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] THAT'S RIGHT. AND I THINK WE ALL AGREE THAT IN

THAT'S RIGHT. AND I THINK WE ALL AGREE THAT IN ORDER FOR THE PROLETARIAT

AND I THINK WE ALL AGREE THAT IN ORDER FOR THE PROLETARIAT REVOLUTION TO SUCCEED, WE'LL

ORDER FOR THE PROLETARIAT REVOLUTION TO SUCCEED, WE'LL HAVE TO ALL PITCH IN TO MAKE

REVOLUTION TO SUCCEED, WE'LL HAVE TO ALL PITCH IN TO MAKE THINGS WORSE.

HAVE TO ALL PITCH IN TO MAKE THINGS WORSE. YEAH.

THINGS WORSE. YEAH. WELL SAID.

YEAH. WELL SAID. ALL RIGHT.

WELL SAID. ALL RIGHT. THANK YOU.

ALL RIGHT. THANK YOU. THAT'S WONDERFUL, LARAINE.

THANK YOU. THAT'S WONDERFUL, LARAINE. NOW, THAT'S WHY ON TONIGHT'S

THAT'S WONDERFUL, LARAINE. NOW, THAT'S WHY ON TONIGHT'S SHOW, WE'RE GOING TO PRESENT THE

NOW, THAT'S WHY ON TONIGHT'S SHOW, WE'RE GOING TO PRESENT THE FIRST PORNOGRAPHY MADE EXPRESSLY

SHOW, WE'RE GOING TO PRESENT THE FIRST PORNOGRAPHY MADE EXPRESSLY FOR TELEVISION TO HELP CORRUPT

FIRST PORNOGRAPHY MADE EXPRESSLY FOR TELEVISION TO HELP CORRUPT THE MORAL FIBER OF OUR

FOR TELEVISION TO HELP CORRUPT THE MORAL FIBER OF OUR IMPERIALIST CULTURE.

THE MORAL FIBER OF OUR IMPERIALIST CULTURE. PERHAPS IN OUR OWN SMALL WAY,

IMPERIALIST CULTURE. PERHAPS IN OUR OWN SMALL WAY, WE CAN HASTEN THE COLLAPSE OF

PERHAPS IN OUR OWN SMALL WAY, WE CAN HASTEN THE COLLAPSE OF OUR CULTURE AND HELP TO CLEAR

WE CAN HASTEN THE COLLAPSE OF OUR CULTURE AND HELP TO CLEAR THE WAY FOR THE REVOLUTION.

OUR CULTURE AND HELP TO CLEAR THE WAY FOR THE REVOLUTION. SO, IF YOU HAVE ANY

THE WAY FOR THE REVOLUTION. SO, IF YOU HAVE ANY IMPRESSIONABLE CHILDREN WHO ARE

SO, IF YOU HAVE ANY IMPRESSIONABLE CHILDREN WHO ARE ASLEEP, WAKE THEM UP, PLEASE,

IMPRESSIONABLE CHILDREN WHO ARE ASLEEP, WAKE THEM UP, PLEASE, AND JOIN US NOW AS WE GO TO

ASLEEP, WAKE THEM UP, PLEASE, AND JOIN US NOW AS WE GO TO DALLAS STADIUM.

AND JOIN US NOW AS WE GO TO DALLAS STADIUM. COME ON.

[BUZZER] YEAH. Coach Laundry, there are two

YEAH. Coach Laundry, there are two sisters here who'd like to talk

Coach Laundry, there are two sisters here who'd like to talk to you about being cheerleaders.

Sisters here who'd like to talk to you about being cheerleaders. OKAY.

To you about being cheerleaders. OKAY. SEND THEM IN.

OKAY. SEND THEM IN. NO INTERRUPTIONS.

SEND THEM IN. NO INTERRUPTIONS. [Southern accent] HI.

NO INTERRUPTIONS. [Southern accent] HI. YOU MUST BE COACH LAUNDRY.

[Southern accent] HI. YOU MUST BE COACH LAUNDRY. YEAH.

YOU MUST BE COACH LAUNDRY. YEAH. SOMETIMES THEY CALL ME

YEAH. SOMETIMES THEY CALL ME "DIRTY LAUNDRY."

SOMETIMES THEY CALL ME "DIRTY LAUNDRY." [GIGGLES]

"DIRTY LAUNDRY." [GIGGLES] WE'D DO ANYTHING TO BECOME

[GIGGLES] WE'D DO ANYTHING TO BECOME DALLAS COWBOY CHEERLEADERS, AND

WE'D DO ANYTHING TO BECOME DALLAS COWBOY CHEERLEADERS, AND I MEAN ANYTHING.

DALLAS COWBOY CHEERLEADERS, AND I MEAN ANYTHING. ANYTHING?

I MEAN ANYTHING. ANYTHING? THAT'S RIGHT.

ANYTHING? THAT'S RIGHT. HOW ABOUT EVEN RUBBING MY

THAT'S RIGHT. HOW ABOUT EVEN RUBBING MY BACK?

HOW ABOUT EVEN RUBBING MY BACK? OH, SURE.

BACK? OH, SURE. YOU KNOW, OUR FANTASY AS SISTERS

OH, SURE. YOU KNOW, OUR FANTASY AS SISTERS IS TO RUB THE BACKS OF A COACH

YOU KNOW, OUR FANTASY AS SISTERS IS TO RUB THE BACKS OF A COACH AND FOOTBALL PLAYER AT THE SAME

IS TO RUB THE BACKS OF A COACH AND FOOTBALL PLAYER AT THE SAME TIME.

AND FOOTBALL PLAYER AT THE SAME TIME. HMM.

TIME. HMM. MISS WELCH, IS JACKIE WADD STILL

HMM. MISS WELCH, IS JACKIE WADD STILL THERE IN THE OUTER OFFICE?

MISS WELCH, IS JACKIE WADD STILL THERE IN THE OUTER OFFICE? Why, yes.

THERE IN THE OUTER OFFICE? Why, yes. SEND HIM IN.

Why, yes. SEND HIM IN. JACKIE WADD... HE'S ONE OF

SEND HIM IN. JACKIE WADD... HE'S ONE OF THE BIGGEST BACKS IN FOOTBALL.

SORRY I DROPPED THAT PASS IN THE END ZONE, COACH. OH, FORGET ABOUT THE

THE END ZONE, COACH. OH, FORGET ABOUT THE SUPER BOWL, JACKIE.

OH, FORGET ABOUT THE SUPER BOWL, JACKIE. WE'RE GONNA RUB YOUR BACKS LIKE

SUPER BOWL, JACKIE. WE'RE GONNA RUB YOUR BACKS LIKE THEY'VE NEVER BEEN RUBBED

WE'RE GONNA RUB YOUR BACKS LIKE THEY'VE NEVER BEEN RUBBED BEFORE.

THEY'VE NEVER BEEN RUBBED BEFORE. OH, GOD!

BEFORE. OH, GOD! OH, GREAT.

OH, GOD! OH, GREAT. JUST GET ON THAT COACH,

OH, GREAT. JUST GET ON THAT COACH, HONEY.

JUST GET ON THAT COACH, HONEY. GREAT.

HONEY. GREAT. OH, COME ON.

GREAT. OH, COME ON. OH.

OH, COME ON. OH. HOW ABOUT ON THE DESK?

OH. HOW ABOUT ON THE DESK? OKAY.

HOW ABOUT ON THE DESK? OKAY. [DISCO MUSIC PLAYS]

OKAY. [DISCO MUSIC PLAYS] [GROANING]

[DISCO MUSIC PLAYS] [GROANING] THAT FEELS GOOD.

[GROANING] THAT FEELS GOOD. OH, A LITTLE SLOWER.

THAT FEELS GOOD. OH, A LITTLE SLOWER. THAT'S IT.

OH, A LITTLE SLOWER. THAT'S IT. OH, YEAH!

THAT'S IT. OH, YEAH! OH, YOUR BACK IS HOT!

OH, YEAH! OH, YOUR BACK IS HOT! OH, YEAH!

OH, YOUR BACK IS HOT! OH, YEAH! OH, WATCH THE NAILS.

OH, YEAH! OH, WATCH THE NAILS. OH!

OH, WATCH THE NAILS. OH! OH, THAT FEELS GOOD!

OH! OH, THAT FEELS GOOD! I'M GOING TO TRY SOMETHING

OH, THAT FEELS GOOD! I'M GOING TO TRY SOMETHING REALLY UNUSUAL.

I'M GOING TO TRY SOMETHING REALLY UNUSUAL. I WANT TO HOLD YOUR WINGS.

REALLY UNUSUAL. I WANT TO HOLD YOUR WINGS. OKAY, BABY.

I WANT TO HOLD YOUR WINGS. OKAY, BABY. WHATEVER YOU... OH, YEAH!

OKAY, BABY. WHATEVER YOU... OH, YEAH! OH!

WHATEVER YOU... OH, YEAH! OH! OH, YOU'RE DRIVING ME CRAZY.

OH! OH, YOU'RE DRIVING ME CRAZY. OOH! CRACK ME.

OH, YOU'RE DRIVING ME CRAZY. OOH! CRACK ME. CRACK ME. OH!

OOH! CRACK ME. CRACK ME. OH! [BONES CRACKING]

CRACK ME. OH! [BONES CRACKING] OH, YEAH.

[BONES CRACKING] OH, YEAH. HEY, I'VE GOT AN IDEA.

OH, YEAH. HEY, I'VE GOT AN IDEA. WHY DON'T YOU AND YOUR SISTER

HEY, I'VE GOT AN IDEA. WHY DON'T YOU AND YOUR SISTER RUB EACH OTHERS' BACKS, AND

WHY DON'T YOU AND YOUR SISTER RUB EACH OTHERS' BACKS, AND WE'LL WATCH?

RUB EACH OTHERS' BACKS, AND WE'LL WATCH? Both: OKAY.

WE'LL WATCH? Both: OKAY. OH!

Both: OKAY. OH! OH!

OH! OH! HEY, YOU KNOW HOW TO USE ONE

OH! HEY, YOU KNOW HOW TO USE ONE OF THESE?

HEY, YOU KNOW HOW TO USE ONE OF THESE? I DON'T KNOW.

OF THESE? I DON'T KNOW. GIVE IT A TRY.

I DON'T KNOW. GIVE IT A TRY. OH!

GIVE IT A TRY. OH! OH, SCRATCH ME ALL OVER.

OH! OH, SCRATCH ME ALL OVER. OH!

OH, SCRATCH ME ALL OVER. OH! HEY, LET... LET ME GET IN

OH! HEY, LET... LET ME GET IN THERE.

HEY, LET... LET ME GET IN THERE. OH!

THERE. OH! OH, YEAH!

OH! OH, YEAH! OH, YEAH!

OH, YEAH! OH, YEAH! All: [GROANING]

OH, YEAH! All: [GROANING] OH, BABY!

Announcer: AL AND TOM WILL BE RIGHT BACK AFTER THIS MESSAGE FROM THE COMMUNIST PARTY.

AND NOW HERE'S AL AND TOM. [APPLAUSE] Both: GOOD NIGHT, EVERYBODY.

[APPLAUSE] Both: GOOD NIGHT, EVERYBODY. GOOD NIGHT.

Both: GOOD NIGHT, EVERYBODY. GOOD NIGHT. THANKS FOR WATCHING.

GOOD NIGHT. THANKS FOR WATCHING. THANKS FOR WATCHING.

THANKS FOR WATCHING. THANKS FOR WATCHING. GOOD NIGHT, EVERYBODY.

AND NOW FOR SOMETHING WE DON'T HAVE IN ENGLAND, "THE MR. BILL SHOW."

Announcer: SAY, KIDS, IT'S TIME FOR "THE MR. BILL SHOW." HOO-HOO!

TIME FOR "THE MR. BILL SHOW." HOO-HOO! KIDDIES!

HOO-HOO! KIDDIES! HEY, HEY!

KIDDIES! HEY, HEY! OH, BOY.

HEY, HEY! OH, BOY. IT'S SO GOOD TO SEE YOU ALL

OH, BOY. IT'S SO GOOD TO SEE YOU ALL AGAIN.

IT'S SO GOOD TO SEE YOU ALL AGAIN. [DOORBELL RINGS]

AGAIN. [DOORBELL RINGS] SAY, MR. HANDS, COULD YOU SEE

[DOORBELL RINGS] SAY, MR. HANDS, COULD YOU SEE WHO'S AT THE DOOR, HUH?

SAY, MR. HANDS, COULD YOU SEE WHO'S AT THE DOOR, HUH? SURE.

WHO'S AT THE DOOR, HUH? SURE. SAY, A MESSENGER BROUGHT THIS

SURE. SAY, A MESSENGER BROUGHT THIS SUMMONS.

SAY, A MESSENGER BROUGHT THIS SUMMONS. WELL, WHAT DOES IT SAY, HUH?

SUMMONS. WELL, WHAT DOES IT SAY, HUH? IT SAYS HERE THAT YOU'RE

WELL, WHAT DOES IT SAY, HUH? IT SAYS HERE THAT YOU'RE BEING SUED BY MR. SLUGGO BECAUSE

IT SAYS HERE THAT YOU'RE BEING SUED BY MR. SLUGGO BECAUSE YOUR DOG, SPOT, BIT HIM ON THE

BEING SUED BY MR. SLUGGO BECAUSE YOUR DOG, SPOT, BIT HIM ON THE LEG AND HAS RABIES.

YOUR DOG, SPOT, BIT HIM ON THE LEG AND HAS RABIES. OH, NO.

LEG AND HAS RABIES. OH, NO. BUT SPOT WOULDN'T BITE ANYBODY.

OH, NO. BUT SPOT WOULDN'T BITE ANYBODY. YOU KNOW THAT.

BUT SPOT WOULDN'T BITE ANYBODY. YOU KNOW THAT. SORRY, MR. BILL.

YOU KNOW THAT. SORRY, MR. BILL. BUT WE HAVE TO GO TO COURT.

SORRY, MR. BILL. BUT WE HAVE TO GO TO COURT. OHH!

BUT WE HAVE TO GO TO COURT. OHH! BUT DON'T WORRY... I'LL BE

OHH! BUT DON'T WORRY... I'LL BE YOUR ATTORNEY.

BUT DON'T WORRY... I'LL BE YOUR ATTORNEY. OKAY, KIDS, I GUESS WE HAVE

YOUR ATTORNEY. OKAY, KIDS, I GUESS WE HAVE TO GO TO COURT TODAY.

OKAY, KIDS, I GUESS WE HAVE TO GO TO COURT TODAY. OH, NO!

TO GO TO COURT TODAY. OH, NO! HEAR YE, HEAR YE.

OH, NO! HEAR YE, HEAR YE. THE HONORABLE JUDGE SLUGGO SAYS

HEAR YE, HEAR YE. THE HONORABLE JUDGE SLUGGO SAYS HE WANTS THE DEFENDANT TO

THE HONORABLE JUDGE SLUGGO SAYS HE WANTS THE DEFENDANT TO APPROACH THE BENCH.

HE WANTS THE DEFENDANT TO APPROACH THE BENCH. OH, NO.

APPROACH THE BENCH. OH, NO. HE'S GONNA BE MEAN TO ME,

OH, NO. HE'S GONNA BE MEAN TO ME, MR. HANDS.

HE'S GONNA BE MEAN TO ME, MR. HANDS. NOW HE SAYS THE COURT MUST

MR. HANDS. NOW HE SAYS THE COURT MUST COME TO A...

NOW HE SAYS THE COURT MUST COME TO A... OH!

COME TO A... OH! NOW, FIRST, THE DEFENSE WOULD

OH! NOW, FIRST, THE DEFENSE WOULD LIKE TO CALL TO THE WITNESS

NOW, FIRST, THE DEFENSE WOULD LIKE TO CALL TO THE WITNESS STAND MR. SPOT.

LIKE TO CALL TO THE WITNESS STAND MR. SPOT. ♪ HERE COMES MR. BILL'S DOG ♪

STAND MR. SPOT. ♪ HERE COMES MR. BILL'S DOG ♪ HEY, SPOT!

♪ HERE COMES MR. BILL'S DOG ♪ HEY, SPOT! HEY, HEY!

HEY, SPOT! HEY, HEY! HOW YOU DOING, HUH, SPOT?

HEY, HEY! HOW YOU DOING, HUH, SPOT? NOW, THE DEFENSE WOULD FIRST

HOW YOU DOING, HUH, SPOT? NOW, THE DEFENSE WOULD FIRST LIKE TO PROVE THAT SPOT DOES NOT

NOW, THE DEFENSE WOULD FIRST LIKE TO PROVE THAT SPOT DOES NOT HAVE RABIES.

LIKE TO PROVE THAT SPOT DOES NOT HAVE RABIES. YEAH.

HAVE RABIES. YEAH. I'LL TAKE A BLOOD TEST.

YEAH. I'LL TAKE A BLOOD TEST. OH, NO!

I'LL TAKE A BLOOD TEST. OH, NO! DON'T DO THAT TO HIM!

OH, NO! DON'T DO THAT TO HIM! DON'T... DON'T!

DON'T DO THAT TO HIM! DON'T... DON'T! OH!

DON'T... DON'T! OH! UH-OH.

OH! UH-OH. IT LOOKS LIKE THE JURY THINKS HE

UH-OH. IT LOOKS LIKE THE JURY THINKS HE DOES HAVE RABIES.

IT LOOKS LIKE THE JURY THINKS HE DOES HAVE RABIES. OH, NO.

DOES HAVE RABIES. OH, NO. THE ONLY THING WE CAN DO NOW

OH, NO. THE ONLY THING WE CAN DO NOW IS CALL YOUR MOTHER TO THE

THE ONLY THING WE CAN DO NOW IS CALL YOUR MOTHER TO THE STAND.

IS CALL YOUR MOTHER TO THE STAND. YAY!

STAND. YAY! ♪ HERES COMES MR. BILL'S

YAY! ♪ HERES COMES MR. BILL'S MOM ♪

♪ HERES COMES MR. BILL'S MOM ♪ YAY!

MOM ♪ YAY! MOM, HEY!

YAY! MOM, HEY! HOW YOU DOING, MOM?

MOM, HEY! HOW YOU DOING, MOM? YAY!

HOW YOU DOING, MOM? YAY! OKAY.

YAY! OKAY. THE DEFENSE WOULD FIRST LIKE TO

OKAY. THE DEFENSE WOULD FIRST LIKE TO ASK YOUR MOTHER IF MR. BILL HAS

THE DEFENSE WOULD FIRST LIKE TO ASK YOUR MOTHER IF MR. BILL HAS EVER BEEN A NAUGHTY BOY.

ASK YOUR MOTHER IF MR. BILL HAS EVER BEEN A NAUGHTY BOY. MR. BILL IS THE NICEST SON A

EVER BEEN A NAUGHTY BOY. MR. BILL IS THE NICEST SON A MOTHER COULD EVER HAVE.

MR. BILL IS THE NICEST SON A MOTHER COULD EVER HAVE. YAY!

MOTHER COULD EVER HAVE. YAY! THANKS, MOM.

YAY! THANKS, MOM. YAY!

THANKS, MOM. YAY! NOW DISTRICT ATTORNEY SLUGGO

YAY! NOW DISTRICT ATTORNEY SLUGGO WOULD LIKE TO CROSS-EXAMINE YOUR

NOW DISTRICT ATTORNEY SLUGGO WOULD LIKE TO CROSS-EXAMINE YOUR MOTHER ALONE IN THE BACK ROOM.

WOULD LIKE TO CROSS-EXAMINE YOUR MOTHER ALONE IN THE BACK ROOM. NO, WAIT.

MOTHER ALONE IN THE BACK ROOM. NO, WAIT. WHERE ARE YOU TAKING HER?

NO, WAIT. WHERE ARE YOU TAKING HER? HE'S GONNA BE MEAN TO HER.

WHERE ARE YOU TAKING HER? HE'S GONNA BE MEAN TO HER. NO, WAIT!

HE'S GONNA BE MEAN TO HER. NO, WAIT! NO, NO, NO!

NO, WAIT! NO, NO, NO! [THUMPING]

NO, NO, NO! [THUMPING] OW OW OW OW OW OW OW!

[THUMPING] OW OW OW OW OW OW OW! OHHH!

OW OW OW OW OW OW OW! OHHH! OH, MOM!

OHHH! OH, MOM! HEY, WAIT... THERE'S BEEN A

OH, MOM! HEY, WAIT... THERE'S BEEN A SUDDEN CHANGE IN TESTIMONY.

HEY, WAIT... THERE'S BEEN A SUDDEN CHANGE IN TESTIMONY. MR. BILL IS A SPOILED BRAT

SUDDEN CHANGE IN TESTIMONY. MR. BILL IS A SPOILED BRAT AND HAS COMMITTED MANY FELONIES

MR. BILL IS A SPOILED BRAT AND HAS COMMITTED MANY FELONIES RECENTLY.

AND HAS COMMITTED MANY FELONIES RECENTLY. THE D.A. SAYS, "NO FURTHER

RECENTLY. THE D.A. SAYS, "NO FURTHER QUESTIONS."

THE D.A. SAYS, "NO FURTHER QUESTIONS." OHH!

QUESTIONS." OHH! OH, NO, MR. BILL.

OHH! OH, NO, MR. BILL. THE JURY HAS DECIDED TO THROW

OH, NO, MR. BILL. THE JURY HAS DECIDED TO THROW THE BOOKS AT YOU.

THE JURY HAS DECIDED TO THROW THE BOOKS AT YOU. OH, NO, NO!

THE BOOKS AT YOU. OH, NO, NO! THE ONLY THING WE CAN DO NOW

OH, NO, NO! THE ONLY THING WE CAN DO NOW IS PLEAD INSANITY.

THE ONLY THING WE CAN DO NOW IS PLEAD INSANITY. WHAT ABOUT...

IS PLEAD INSANITY. WHAT ABOUT... AH, JUDGE SLUGGO SAYS YOU

WHAT ABOUT... AH, JUDGE SLUGGO SAYS YOU ARE INSANE...

AH, JUDGE SLUGGO SAYS YOU ARE INSANE... YAY!

ARE INSANE... YAY! AND THAT YOU NEED SHOCK

YAY! AND THAT YOU NEED SHOCK TREATMENT.

AND THAT YOU NEED SHOCK TREATMENT. OH, NO!

TREATMENT. OH, NO! BUT I'M INNOCENT.

OH, NO! BUT I'M INNOCENT. YOU KNOW I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING,

BUT I'M INNOCENT. YOU KNOW I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING, MR. HANDS.

YOU KNOW I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING, MR. HANDS. [TELEPHONE RINGS]

MR. HANDS. [TELEPHONE RINGS] NO, W-WAIT.

[TELEPHONE RINGS] NO, W-WAIT. WAIT... MAYBE THAT'S THE

NO, W-WAIT. WAIT... MAYBE THAT'S THE GOVERNOR CALLING.

WAIT... MAYBE THAT'S THE GOVERNOR CALLING. NAH, I DOUBT IT.

GOVERNOR CALLING. NAH, I DOUBT IT. SO, UNTIL NEXT WEEK, MR. BILL

NAH, I DOUBT IT. SO, UNTIL NEXT WEEK, MR. BILL SAYS...

SO, UNTIL NEXT WEEK, MR. BILL SAYS... OHHHH!

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, I JUST WANT TO THANK ALL OF YOU WHO DURING THE COURSE OF THE SHOW

WANT TO THANK ALL OF YOU WHO DURING THE COURSE OF THE SHOW HAVE SENT IN FROM PLACES AS FAR

DURING THE COURSE OF THE SHOW HAVE SENT IN FROM PLACES AS FAR APART AS DECATUR AND PITTSBURGH

HAVE SENT IN FROM PLACES AS FAR APART AS DECATUR AND PITTSBURGH SOCKS... JUST LIKE I NEEDED

APART AS DECATUR AND PITTSBURGH SOCKS... JUST LIKE I NEEDED EARLIER ON.

SOCKS... JUST LIKE I NEEDED EARLIER ON. THANK YOU SO MUCH.

EARLIER ON. THANK YOU SO MUCH. [BAND PLAYS]

THANK YOU SO MUCH. [BAND PLAYS] THANK YOU.

Announcer: TWO WEEKS FROM

TONIGHT, "SATURDAY NIGHT'S" HOST

WILL BE CICELY TYSON WITH

MUSICAL GUEST TALKING HEADS.

THIS IS DON PARDO.

GOOD NIGHT.