Original subtitles

Announcer: AND NOW A SPECIAL MESSAGE FROM THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES.

MESSAGE FROM THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES. GOOD EVENING.

THE UNITED STATES. GOOD EVENING. ON TUESDAY, WE AMERICANS WILL

GOOD EVENING. ON TUESDAY, WE AMERICANS WILL HAVE THE OPPORTUNITY TO EXERCISE

ON TUESDAY, WE AMERICANS WILL HAVE THE OPPORTUNITY TO EXERCISE OUR ROLE AS CITIZENS IN A FREE

HAVE THE OPPORTUNITY TO EXERCISE OUR ROLE AS CITIZENS IN A FREE DEMOCRACY.

OUR ROLE AS CITIZENS IN A FREE DEMOCRACY. YET ONLY 1/3 OF THE ELIGIBLE

DEMOCRACY. YET ONLY 1/3 OF THE ELIGIBLE VOTERS WILL ACTUALLY CAST

YET ONLY 1/3 OF THE ELIGIBLE VOTERS WILL ACTUALLY CAST BALLOTS.

VOTERS WILL ACTUALLY CAST BALLOTS. THE OTHER 2/3 ARE, IN A SENSE,

BALLOTS. THE OTHER 2/3 ARE, IN A SENSE, VERY LUCKY...

THE OTHER 2/3 ARE, IN A SENSE, VERY LUCKY... BECAUSE THEY DO NOT KNOW WHAT'S

VERY LUCKY... BECAUSE THEY DO NOT KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON.

BECAUSE THEY DO NOT KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON. LAST WEEK, I DELIVERED A MESSAGE

GOING ON. LAST WEEK, I DELIVERED A MESSAGE ON INFLATION.

LAST WEEK, I DELIVERED A MESSAGE ON INFLATION. SINCE THEN, THE DOLLAR HAS

ON INFLATION. SINCE THEN, THE DOLLAR HAS DROPPED IN VALUE, THE

SINCE THEN, THE DOLLAR HAS DROPPED IN VALUE, THE STOCK MARKET SUSTAINED RECORD

DROPPED IN VALUE, THE STOCK MARKET SUSTAINED RECORD LOSSES, AND THE WHOLESALE PRICE

STOCK MARKET SUSTAINED RECORD LOSSES, AND THE WHOLESALE PRICE INDEX INCREASED .9%.

LOSSES, AND THE WHOLESALE PRICE INDEX INCREASED .9%. IN OTHER WORDS, OUR ECONOMIC

INDEX INCREASED .9%. IN OTHER WORDS, OUR ECONOMIC SYSTEM IS SCREWED, BLUED, AND

IN OTHER WORDS, OUR ECONOMIC SYSTEM IS SCREWED, BLUED, AND TATTOOED.

WE JUST HAVE TO FACE THE FACT THAT THERE'S SIMPLY NO WAY TO FIGHT INFLATION IN THE

THAT THERE'S SIMPLY NO WAY TO FIGHT INFLATION IN THE CAPITAL-INTENSIVE,

TO FIGHT INFLATION IN THE CAPITAL-INTENSIVE, HIGHLY TECHNOLOGICAL,

CAPITAL-INTENSIVE, HIGHLY TECHNOLOGICAL, WAR-TORN, CONFLICT-RIDDLED,

HIGHLY TECHNOLOGICAL, WAR-TORN, CONFLICT-RIDDLED, ANYTHING-FOR-A-THRILL WORLD OF

WAR-TORN, CONFLICT-RIDDLED, ANYTHING-FOR-A-THRILL WORLD OF TODAY.

ANYTHING-FOR-A-THRILL WORLD OF TODAY. THAT'S WHY, TONIGHT, I WANT YOU

TODAY. THAT'S WHY, TONIGHT, I WANT YOU TO TRY TO LOOK AT INFLATION IN

THAT'S WHY, TONIGHT, I WANT YOU TO TRY TO LOOK AT INFLATION IN AN ENTIRELY NEW WAY.

TO TRY TO LOOK AT INFLATION IN AN ENTIRELY NEW WAY. INFLATION IS OUR FRIEND.

AN ENTIRELY NEW WAY. INFLATION IS OUR FRIEND. FOR EXAMPLE, CONSIDER THIS...

INFLATION IS OUR FRIEND. FOR EXAMPLE, CONSIDER THIS... IN THE YEAR 2000, IF CURRENT

FOR EXAMPLE, CONSIDER THIS... IN THE YEAR 2000, IF CURRENT TRENDS CONTINUE, THE AVERAGE

IN THE YEAR 2000, IF CURRENT TRENDS CONTINUE, THE AVERAGE BLUE-COLLAR ANNUAL WAGE IN THIS

TRENDS CONTINUE, THE AVERAGE BLUE-COLLAR ANNUAL WAGE IN THIS COUNTRY WILL BE $568,000.

BLUE-COLLAR ANNUAL WAGE IN THIS COUNTRY WILL BE $568,000. THINK WHAT THIS INFLATED WORLD

COUNTRY WILL BE $568,000. THINK WHAT THIS INFLATED WORLD OF THE FUTURE WILL MEAN...

THINK WHAT THIS INFLATED WORLD OF THE FUTURE WILL MEAN... MOST AMERICANS WILL BE

OF THE FUTURE WILL MEAN... MOST AMERICANS WILL BE MILLIONAIRES.

MOST AMERICANS WILL BE MILLIONAIRES. EVERYONE WILL FEEL LIKE A BIG

MILLIONAIRES. EVERYONE WILL FEEL LIKE A BIG SHOT.

EVERYONE WILL FEEL LIKE A BIG SHOT. WOULDN'T YOU LIKE TO OWN A

SHOT. WOULDN'T YOU LIKE TO OWN A $4,000 SUIT?

WOULDN'T YOU LIKE TO OWN A $4,000 SUIT? AND SMOKE A $75 CIGAR?

$4,000 SUIT? AND SMOKE A $75 CIGAR? DRIVE A $600,000 CAR?

AND SMOKE A $75 CIGAR? DRIVE A $600,000 CAR? I KNOW I WOULD.

DRIVE A $600,000 CAR? I KNOW I WOULD. BUT WHAT ABOUT PEOPLE ON FIXED

I KNOW I WOULD. BUT WHAT ABOUT PEOPLE ON FIXED INCOMES?

BUT WHAT ABOUT PEOPLE ON FIXED INCOMES? THEY HAVE ALWAYS BEEN THE TRUE

INCOMES? THEY HAVE ALWAYS BEEN THE TRUE VICTIMS OF INFLATION.

THEY HAVE ALWAYS BEEN THE TRUE VICTIMS OF INFLATION. THAT'S WHY I WILL PRESENT TO

VICTIMS OF INFLATION. THAT'S WHY I WILL PRESENT TO CONGRESS THE INFLATION

THAT'S WHY I WILL PRESENT TO CONGRESS THE INFLATION MAINTENANCE PROGRAM, WHEREBY THE

CONGRESS THE INFLATION MAINTENANCE PROGRAM, WHEREBY THE U.S. TREASURY WILL MAKE UP ANY

MAINTENANCE PROGRAM, WHEREBY THE U.S. TREASURY WILL MAKE UP ANY INFLATION COST LOSSES THROUGH

U.S. TREASURY WILL MAKE UP ANY INFLATION COST LOSSES THROUGH DIRECT TAX REBATES TO THE

INFLATION COST LOSSES THROUGH DIRECT TAX REBATES TO THE PUBLIC, IN CASH.

DIRECT TAX REBATES TO THE PUBLIC, IN CASH. NOW, YOU MAY SAY, "WON'T THAT

PUBLIC, IN CASH. NOW, YOU MAY SAY, "WON'T THAT COST A LOT OF MONEY?

NOW, YOU MAY SAY, "WON'T THAT COST A LOT OF MONEY? WON'T THAT INCREASE THE

COST A LOT OF MONEY? WON'T THAT INCREASE THE DEFICIT?"

WON'T THAT INCREASE THE DEFICIT?" SURE IT WILL.

DEFICIT?" SURE IT WILL. BUT SO WHAT?

SURE IT WILL. BUT SO WHAT? WE'LL JUST PRINT MORE MONEY.

BUT SO WHAT? WE'LL JUST PRINT MORE MONEY. WE HAVE THE PAPERS.

WE'LL JUST PRINT MORE MONEY. WE HAVE THE PAPERS. WE HAVE THE MINTS.

WE HAVE THE PAPERS. WE HAVE THE MINTS. I CAN JUST CALL UP THE BUREAU OF

WE HAVE THE MINTS. I CAN JUST CALL UP THE BUREAU OF ENGRAVING AND SAY, "HI.

I CAN JUST CALL UP THE BUREAU OF ENGRAVING AND SAY, "HI. THIS IS JIMMY.

ENGRAVING AND SAY, "HI. THIS IS JIMMY. ROLL OFF SOME OF THEM $20s.

THIS IS JIMMY. ROLL OFF SOME OF THEM $20s. PRINT UP A COUPLE A THOUSAND

ROLL OFF SOME OF THEM $20s. PRINT UP A COUPLE A THOUSAND SHEETS OF THOSE CENTURY NOTES."

PRINT UP A COUPLE A THOUSAND SHEETS OF THOSE CENTURY NOTES." SURE, THE GLUT OF DOLLARS WILL

SHEETS OF THOSE CENTURY NOTES." SURE, THE GLUT OF DOLLARS WILL CAUSE EVEN MORE INFLATION, BUT

SURE, THE GLUT OF DOLLARS WILL CAUSE EVEN MORE INFLATION, BUT WHO CARES?

CAUSE EVEN MORE INFLATION, BUT WHO CARES? EVERYBODY WILL BE A MILLIONAIRE.

WHO CARES? EVERYBODY WILL BE A MILLIONAIRE. IN MY SPEECH LAST WEEK, I SAID

EVERYBODY WILL BE A MILLIONAIRE. IN MY SPEECH LAST WEEK, I SAID THAT AMERICA WOULD HAVE TO

IN MY SPEECH LAST WEEK, I SAID THAT AMERICA WOULD HAVE TO UNDERGO AN AUSTERITY PROGRAM,

THAT AMERICA WOULD HAVE TO UNDERGO AN AUSTERITY PROGRAM, BUT SINCE THIS REVOLUTIONARY NEW

UNDERGO AN AUSTERITY PROGRAM, BUT SINCE THIS REVOLUTIONARY NEW APPROACH WELCOMES INFLATION, OUR

BUT SINCE THIS REVOLUTIONARY NEW APPROACH WELCOMES INFLATION, OUR ECONOMY WILL BE FREE TO GROW,

APPROACH WELCOMES INFLATION, OUR ECONOMY WILL BE FREE TO GROW, AND WE CAN SPEND, SPEND, SPEND.

ECONOMY WILL BE FREE TO GROW, AND WE CAN SPEND, SPEND, SPEND. I BELIEVE THE WATCHWORDS FOR THE

AND WE CAN SPEND, SPEND, SPEND. I BELIEVE THE WATCHWORDS FOR THE '80s SHOULD BE "LET'S PARTY."

AND IN THAT SPIRIT, I'D LIKE TO SAY, "LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S 'SATURDAY NIGHT.'"

SAY, "LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S 'SATURDAY NIGHT.'" [BAND PLAYS]

Announcer: IT'S "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE." WITH STEVE MARTIN.

STARRING DAN AYKROYD. JOHN BELUSHI. JANE CURTIN.

JOHN BELUSHI. JANE CURTIN. GARRETT MORRIS.

JANE CURTIN. GARRETT MORRIS. BILL MURRAY.

GARRETT MORRIS. BILL MURRAY. LARAINE NEWMAN.

BILL MURRAY. LARAINE NEWMAN. AND GILDA RADNER.

WITH MUSICAL GUEST VAN MORRISON.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, STEVE MARTIN! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

THANK YOU.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, I HAVE TO BE HONEST WITH YOU. UM, I DO NOT FEEL WELL TONIGHT.

TO BE HONEST WITH YOU. UM, I DO NOT FEEL WELL TONIGHT. [LAUGHTER]

UM, I DO NOT FEEL WELL TONIGHT. [LAUGHTER] I WOKE UP THIS MORNING WITH A

[LAUGHTER] I WOKE UP THIS MORNING WITH A SPLITTING HEADACHE.

I WOKE UP THIS MORNING WITH A SPLITTING HEADACHE. IT WAS AS THOUGH MY HEAD WERE IN

SPLITTING HEADACHE. IT WAS AS THOUGH MY HEAD WERE IN A VICE.

IT WAS AS THOUGH MY HEAD WERE IN A VICE. [LAUGHTER]

A VICE. [LAUGHTER] I THOUGHT IT WOULD GO AWAY, BUT

[LAUGHTER] I THOUGHT IT WOULD GO AWAY, BUT IT HASN'T.

I THOUGHT IT WOULD GO AWAY, BUT IT HASN'T. I TOOK SOME ASPIRIN... IT MEANT

IT HASN'T. I TOOK SOME ASPIRIN... IT MEANT NOTHING.

I TOOK SOME ASPIRIN... IT MEANT NOTHING. BUT I'VE DECIDED TO CONTINUE

NOTHING. BUT I'VE DECIDED TO CONTINUE WITH THE SHOW ANYWAY.

BUT I'VE DECIDED TO CONTINUE WITH THE SHOW ANYWAY. PARDON ME? WHAT?

WITH THE SHOW ANYWAY. PARDON ME? WHAT? THERE'S A CLAMP ON MY HEAD?

PARDON ME? WHAT? THERE'S A CLAMP ON MY HEAD? OH!

THERE'S A CLAMP ON MY HEAD? OH! [LAUGHS]

OH! [LAUGHS] OH!

[LAUGHS] OH! THOSE...

OH! THOSE... [APPLAUSE]

THOSE... [APPLAUSE] THOSE "SATURDAY NIGHT" PEOPLE.

[APPLAUSE] THOSE "SATURDAY NIGHT" PEOPLE. THEY DIDN'T EVEN TELL ME.

THOSE "SATURDAY NIGHT" PEOPLE. THEY DIDN'T EVEN TELL ME. I WENT THROUGH MAKEUP AND

THEY DIDN'T EVEN TELL ME. I WENT THROUGH MAKEUP AND EVERYTHING, AND NOBODY SAID A

I WENT THROUGH MAKEUP AND EVERYTHING, AND NOBODY SAID A WORD.

EVERYTHING, AND NOBODY SAID A WORD. I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE SAYING.

WORD. I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE SAYING. YOU'RE SAYING, "OH, I'LL BET

I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE SAYING. YOU'RE SAYING, "OH, I'LL BET HE'S ON DRUGS."

YOU'RE SAYING, "OH, I'LL BET HE'S ON DRUGS." [LAUGHTER]

HE'S ON DRUGS." [LAUGHTER] WELL, I'LL BE HONEST WITH YOU.

[LAUGHTER] WELL, I'LL BE HONEST WITH YOU. I USED TO SMOKE MARIJUANA.

WELL, I'LL BE HONEST WITH YOU. I USED TO SMOKE MARIJUANA. [PANTING]

I USED TO SMOKE MARIJUANA. [PANTING] BUT I WOULD ONLY SMOKE IT IN THE

[PANTING] BUT I WOULD ONLY SMOKE IT IN THE LATE EVENING.

BUT I WOULD ONLY SMOKE IT IN THE LATE EVENING. OH, OCCASIONALLY THE EARLY

LATE EVENING. OH, OCCASIONALLY THE EARLY EVENING OR MID-EVENING, BUT THAT

OH, OCCASIONALLY THE EARLY EVENING OR MID-EVENING, BUT THAT WAS IT... THE LATE EVENING,

EVENING OR MID-EVENING, BUT THAT WAS IT... THE LATE EVENING, MID-EVENING, OR EARLY EVENING,

WAS IT... THE LATE EVENING, MID-EVENING, OR EARLY EVENING, BUT THAT WAS IT.

MID-EVENING, OR EARLY EVENING, BUT THAT WAS IT. OH, OCCASIONALLY THE EARLY

BUT THAT WAS IT. OH, OCCASIONALLY THE EARLY MORNING OR...

OH, OCCASIONALLY THE EARLY MORNING OR... OH, THE MID-MORNING, BUT...

MORNING OR... OH, THE MID-MORNING, BUT... MAYBE THE LATE MORNING, BUT

OH, THE MID-MORNING, BUT... MAYBE THE LATE MORNING, BUT OCCASIONALLY THE EARLY MID-LATE

MAYBE THE LATE MORNING, BUT OCCASIONALLY THE EARLY MID-LATE MORNING OR SOMETIMES THE

OCCASIONALLY THE EARLY MID-LATE MORNING OR SOMETIMES THE MID-EARLY MORNING OR... OR THE

MORNING OR SOMETIMES THE MID-EARLY MORNING OR... OR THE LATE AFTERNOON.

MID-EARLY MORNING OR... OR THE LATE AFTERNOON. SOMETIMES THE MID-EARLY LATE

LATE AFTERNOON. SOMETIMES THE MID-EARLY LATE AFTERNOON.

SOMETIMES THE MID-EARLY LATE AFTERNOON. BUT NEVER AT DUSK.

AFTERNOON. BUT NEVER AT DUSK. NO!

BUT NEVER AT DUSK. NO! I WOULD NEVER SMOKE IT AT DUSK.

NO! I WOULD NEVER SMOKE IT AT DUSK. NO!

I WOULD NEVER SMOKE IT AT DUSK. NO! NEVER, NEVER, NEVER, NEVER,

NO! NEVER, NEVER, NEVER, NEVER, NEVER!

NEVER, NEVER, NEVER, NEVER, NEVER! BECAUSE THAT'S WHEN THE LITTLE

NEVER! BECAUSE THAT'S WHEN THE LITTLE FAT MEN WOULD COME.

BECAUSE THAT'S WHEN THE LITTLE FAT MEN WOULD COME. AND THEY WOULD DO THINGS TO ME.

FAT MEN WOULD COME. AND THEY WOULD DO THINGS TO ME. THEY'D GO, "WHOA!"

AND THEY WOULD DO THINGS TO ME. THEY'D GO, "WHOA!" AND I LIKED IT.

THEY'D GO, "WHOA!" AND I LIKED IT. [LAUGHING]

AND I LIKED IT. [LAUGHING] BUT I QUIT THAT.

[LAUGHING] BUT I QUIT THAT. I'VE QUIT ALL DRUGS.

BUT I QUIT THAT. I'VE QUIT ALL DRUGS. WELL...

I'VE QUIT ALL DRUGS. WELL... LET ME SAY ONE THING.

WELL... LET ME SAY ONE THING. UM, I TWISTED MY ANKLE EARLY

LET ME SAY ONE THING. UM, I TWISTED MY ANKLE EARLY THIS MORNING, AND I WAS IN QUITE

UM, I TWISTED MY ANKLE EARLY THIS MORNING, AND I WAS IN QUITE A BIT OF PAIN.

THIS MORNING, AND I WAS IN QUITE A BIT OF PAIN. SO I WENT TO THE DOCTOR, AND I

A BIT OF PAIN. SO I WENT TO THE DOCTOR, AND I ASKED HIM TO GIVE ME SOME PAIN

SO I WENT TO THE DOCTOR, AND I ASKED HIM TO GIVE ME SOME PAIN PILLS.

ASKED HIM TO GIVE ME SOME PAIN PILLS. AND HE DIDN'T WANT TO DO IT, BUT

PILLS. AND HE DIDN'T WANT TO DO IT, BUT I TALKED HIM INTO IT.

AND HE DIDN'T WANT TO DO IT, BUT I TALKED HIM INTO IT. SO HE GAVE ME SOME PILLS... AND

I TALKED HIM INTO IT. SO HE GAVE ME SOME PILLS... AND I SHOULDN'T HAVE DONE THIS...

SO HE GAVE ME SOME PILLS... AND I SHOULDN'T HAVE DONE THIS... I TOOK SOME ABOUT AN HOUR BEFORE

I SHOULDN'T HAVE DONE THIS... I TOOK SOME ABOUT AN HOUR BEFORE THE SHOW TONIGHT, AND RIGHT NOW

I TOOK SOME ABOUT AN HOUR BEFORE THE SHOW TONIGHT, AND RIGHT NOW I AM HIGH AS A KITE.

THE SHOW TONIGHT, AND RIGHT NOW I AM HIGH AS A KITE. I MEAN...

I AM HIGH AS A KITE. I MEAN... [APPLAUSE]

I MEAN... [APPLAUSE] IT IS UNBELIEVABLE.

[APPLAUSE] IT IS UNBELIEVABLE. AND I WOULD NEVER SAY THIS TO

IT IS UNBELIEVABLE. AND I WOULD NEVER SAY THIS TO PEOPLE, BUT, IN THIS CASE, IF

AND I WOULD NEVER SAY THIS TO PEOPLE, BUT, IN THIS CASE, IF YOU EVER GET A CHANCE TO TAKE

PEOPLE, BUT, IN THIS CASE, IF YOU EVER GET A CHANCE TO TAKE THESE DRUGS, DO IT.

YOU EVER GET A CHANCE TO TAKE THESE DRUGS, DO IT. THEY'RE CALLED...

THESE DRUGS, DO IT. THEY'RE CALLED... PLACEBOS.

THEY'RE CALLED... PLACEBOS. [LAUGHTER]

PLACEBOS. [LAUGHTER] I MEAN, I'M TAKING THEM RIGHT

[LAUGHTER] I MEAN, I'M TAKING THEM RIGHT NOW.

I MEAN, I'M TAKING THEM RIGHT NOW. I HAVE NO IDEA WHERE I AM AT

NOW. I HAVE NO IDEA WHERE I AM AT ALL.

I HAVE NO IDEA WHERE I AM AT ALL. PLACEBO.

ALL. PLACEBO. YOU KNOW, LAST TIME I WAS ON THE

PLACEBO. YOU KNOW, LAST TIME I WAS ON THE SHOW, I DID A LITTLE COMEDY

YOU KNOW, LAST TIME I WAS ON THE SHOW, I DID A LITTLE COMEDY ROUTINE WITH BILL MURRAY.

SHOW, I DID A LITTLE COMEDY ROUTINE WITH BILL MURRAY. AND IT WORKED OUT VERY WELL.

ROUTINE WITH BILL MURRAY. AND IT WORKED OUT VERY WELL. KIND OF A COMEDY PICKPOCKET

AND IT WORKED OUT VERY WELL. KIND OF A COMEDY PICKPOCKET THING.

KIND OF A COMEDY PICKPOCKET THING. AND THIS TIME, WE DECIDED TO DO

THING. AND THIS TIME, WE DECIDED TO DO ANOTHER ROUTINE.

AND THIS TIME, WE DECIDED TO DO ANOTHER ROUTINE. HE'S A GREAT MAN.

ANOTHER ROUTINE. HE'S A GREAT MAN. LET'S BRING HIM OUT.

HE'S A GREAT MAN. LET'S BRING HIM OUT. BILL MURRAY!

LET'S BRING HIM OUT. BILL MURRAY! BILL.

BILL MURRAY! BILL. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

WITHOUT SOUNDING CORNY, BILL IS REALLY AN ARTIST. HE'S AN ACTOR.

REALLY AN ARTIST. HE'S AN ACTOR. AND IT'S FUN TO WORK WITH

HE'S AN ACTOR. AND IT'S FUN TO WORK WITH SOMEONE WITH THIS KIND OF

AND IT'S FUN TO WORK WITH SOMEONE WITH THIS KIND OF KNOWLEDGE OF SHOWBIZ.

SOMEONE WITH THIS KIND OF KNOWLEDGE OF SHOWBIZ. BILL, TAKE A BOW.

KNOWLEDGE OF SHOWBIZ. BILL, TAKE A BOW. [APPLAUSE]

BILL, TAKE A BOW. [APPLAUSE] [LAUGHTER]

[APPLAUSE] [LAUGHTER] BILL, IT'S REALLY A PLEASURE

[LAUGHTER] BILL, IT'S REALLY A PLEASURE WORKING WITH YOU.

BILL, IT'S REALLY A PLEASURE WORKING WITH YOU. IT'S GREAT WORKING WITH YOU,

WORKING WITH YOU. IT'S GREAT WORKING WITH YOU, TOO, STEVE.

IT'S GREAT WORKING WITH YOU, TOO, STEVE. SHAKE.

TOO, STEVE. SHAKE. [LAUGHTER]

SHAKE. [LAUGHTER] BILL, UM...

[LAUGHTER] BILL, UM... TODAY IS NOVEMBER 4th, AND I'LL

BILL, UM... TODAY IS NOVEMBER 4th, AND I'LL BE GOING ON A PROMOTIONAL TOUR

TODAY IS NOVEMBER 4th, AND I'LL BE GOING ON A PROMOTIONAL TOUR FOR MY NEW ALBUM UNTIL

BE GOING ON A PROMOTIONAL TOUR FOR MY NEW ALBUM UNTIL NOVEMBER 18th.

FOR MY NEW ALBUM UNTIL NOVEMBER 18th. HOW MANY DAYS IS THAT?

NOVEMBER 18th. HOW MANY DAYS IS THAT? 14.

HOW MANY DAYS IS THAT? 14. AND HOW MANY WEEKS?

14. AND HOW MANY WEEKS? TWO WEEKS.

AND HOW MANY WEEKS? TWO WEEKS. [APPLAUSE]

TWO WEEKS. [APPLAUSE] BILL, I DIDN'T BRING MY BANJO

[APPLAUSE] BILL, I DIDN'T BRING MY BANJO WITH ME TONIGHT, AND I'M SURE

BILL, I DIDN'T BRING MY BANJO WITH ME TONIGHT, AND I'M SURE THE PEOPLE WOULD LOVE TO HEAR

WITH ME TONIGHT, AND I'M SURE THE PEOPLE WOULD LOVE TO HEAR SOME MUSIC.

THE PEOPLE WOULD LOVE TO HEAR SOME MUSIC. UH, WHAT'S ONE OF YOUR FAVORITE

SOME MUSIC. UH, WHAT'S ONE OF YOUR FAVORITE SONGS?

UH, WHAT'S ONE OF YOUR FAVORITE SONGS? "MARY HAD A LITTLE LAMB."

SONGS? "MARY HAD A LITTLE LAMB." OH, THAT'S A GOOD TUNE.

"MARY HAD A LITTLE LAMB." OH, THAT'S A GOOD TUNE. MAYBE YOU COULD PLAY IT FOR US A

OH, THAT'S A GOOD TUNE. MAYBE YOU COULD PLAY IT FOR US A LITTLE BIT.

MAYBE YOU COULD PLAY IT FOR US A LITTLE BIT. SURE. I'D LOVE TO.

LITTLE BIT. SURE. I'D LOVE TO. [LAUGHTER]

SURE. I'D LOVE TO. [LAUGHTER] ["MARY HAD A LITTLE LAMB"

[LAUGHTER] ["MARY HAD A LITTLE LAMB" PLAYS]

THAT'S GREAT, BILL. [APPLAUSE] BILL...

[APPLAUSE] BILL... BILL, DO YOU THINK YOU'D BE ABLE

BILL... BILL, DO YOU THINK YOU'D BE ABLE TO JUMP THROUGH A HOOP?

BILL, DO YOU THINK YOU'D BE ABLE TO JUMP THROUGH A HOOP? SURE.

TO JUMP THROUGH A HOOP? SURE. OKAY.

SURE. OKAY. COME ON OUT HERE.

OKAY. COME ON OUT HERE. LET'S GIVE IT A TRY AND SEE WHAT

COME ON OUT HERE. LET'S GIVE IT A TRY AND SEE WHAT HAPPENS.

LET'S GIVE IT A TRY AND SEE WHAT HAPPENS. [LAUGHTER]

HAPPENS. [LAUGHTER] [DRUMROLL]

[LAUGHTER] [DRUMROLL] GO, BILL!

[DRUMROLL] GO, BILL! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

GO, BILL! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] ISN'T HE GREAT?

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] ISN'T HE GREAT? BILL MURRAY.

ISN'T HE GREAT? BILL MURRAY. WHAT A FABULOUS GUY.

BILL MURRAY. WHAT A FABULOUS GUY. [APPLAUSE CONTINUES]

WHAT A FABULOUS GUY. [APPLAUSE CONTINUES] WELL, THAT'S IT.

[APPLAUSE CONTINUES] WELL, THAT'S IT. THAT'S OUR COMEDY ROUTINE.

WELL, THAT'S IT. THAT'S OUR COMEDY ROUTINE. I THINK IT WENT REAL WELL.

THAT'S OUR COMEDY ROUTINE. I THINK IT WENT REAL WELL. AND IT'S JUST A REAL PLEASURE

I THINK IT WENT REAL WELL. AND IT'S JUST A REAL PLEASURE FOR ME TO COME BACK AND WORK

AND IT'S JUST A REAL PLEASURE FOR ME TO COME BACK AND WORK WITH THE PEOPLE AT

FOR ME TO COME BACK AND WORK WITH THE PEOPLE AT "SATURDAY NIGHT."

WITH THE PEOPLE AT "SATURDAY NIGHT." WE GOT A BIG SHOW AHEAD OF US.

"SATURDAY NIGHT." WE GOT A BIG SHOW AHEAD OF US. AND I'M ANXIOUS TO GET ON WITH

WE GOT A BIG SHOW AHEAD OF US. AND I'M ANXIOUS TO GET ON WITH IT, BECAUSE "SATURDAY NIGHT'S"

AND I'M ANXIOUS TO GET ON WITH IT, BECAUSE "SATURDAY NIGHT'S" A SPECIAL SHOW FOR ME.

IT, BECAUSE "SATURDAY NIGHT'S" A SPECIAL SHOW FOR ME. I LIKE WORKING WITH THE PEOPLE,

A SPECIAL SHOW FOR ME. I LIKE WORKING WITH THE PEOPLE, AND ALL THE PEOPLE ARE SUCH

I LIKE WORKING WITH THE PEOPLE, AND ALL THE PEOPLE ARE SUCH GREAT PERFORMERS THAT WHEN WE'RE

AND ALL THE PEOPLE ARE SUCH GREAT PERFORMERS THAT WHEN WE'RE TOGETHER, IT'S MORE LIKE A

GREAT PERFORMERS THAT WHEN WE'RE TOGETHER, IT'S MORE LIKE A RAPPORT.

TOGETHER, IT'S MORE LIKE A RAPPORT. AND THAT'S WHAT I THINK IS FUN,

RAPPORT. AND THAT'S WHAT I THINK IS FUN, WHEN YOU HAVE THIS KIND OF A

AND THAT'S WHAT I THINK IS FUN, WHEN YOU HAVE THIS KIND OF A THING.

WHEN YOU HAVE THIS KIND OF A THING. AND, UM...

THING. AND, UM... YOU KNOW, WE HAVE A LOT OF FUNNY

AND, UM... YOU KNOW, WE HAVE A LOT OF FUNNY BITS TO DO TONIGHT, A LOT OF

YOU KNOW, WE HAVE A LOT OF FUNNY BITS TO DO TONIGHT, A LOT OF SING...

BITS TO DO TONIGHT, A LOT OF SING... BILL.

SING... BILL. AND A LOT OF SINGLE PIECES.

BILL. AND A LOT OF SINGLE PIECES. WE'VE GOT MUSIC.

AND A LOT OF SINGLE PIECES. WE'VE GOT MUSIC. VAN MORRISON, THE SPECIAL GUEST.

WE'VE GOT MUSIC. VAN MORRISON, THE SPECIAL GUEST. HE'S FABULOUS, AND...

VAN MORRISON, THE SPECIAL GUEST. HE'S FABULOUS, AND... [APPLAUSE]

HE'S FABULOUS, AND... [APPLAUSE] TO ACTUALLY BE IN THIS SHOW IS A

[APPLAUSE] TO ACTUALLY BE IN THIS SHOW IS A REAL THRILL.

TO ACTUALLY BE IN THIS SHOW IS A REAL THRILL. AND THAT'S... THAT'S WHAT I

REAL THRILL. AND THAT'S... THAT'S WHAT I LOOK...

AND THAT'S... THAT'S WHAT I LOOK... BILL.

LOOK... BILL. BILL, NOW, COME ON.

BILL. BILL, NOW, COME ON. YOU DON'T GET A CRACKER FOR

BILL, NOW, COME ON. YOU DON'T GET A CRACKER FOR THIS PART.

YOU DON'T GET A CRACKER FOR THIS PART. WE DON'T HAVE ENOUGH.

THIS PART. WE DON'T HAVE ENOUGH. STEVE, WHERE'S THE CRACKER?

WE DON'T HAVE ENOUGH. STEVE, WHERE'S THE CRACKER? COME ON.

STEVE, WHERE'S THE CRACKER? COME ON. I'M SORRY, BILL.

COME ON. I'M SORRY, BILL. WE CAN'T GIVE A CRACKER AFTER

I'M SORRY, BILL. WE CAN'T GIVE A CRACKER AFTER EACH ROUTINE.

WE CAN'T GIVE A CRACKER AFTER EACH ROUTINE. I MEAN, THAT GETS TO BE VERY

EACH ROUTINE. I MEAN, THAT GETS TO BE VERY EXPENSIVE.

I MEAN, THAT GETS TO BE VERY EXPENSIVE. WAIT A SECOND.

EXPENSIVE. WAIT A SECOND. WE REHEARSED THIS BIT ALL WEEK

WAIT A SECOND. WE REHEARSED THIS BIT ALL WEEK LONG, AND EVERY TIME I JUMPED

WE REHEARSED THIS BIT ALL WEEK LONG, AND EVERY TIME I JUMPED THROUGH THE HOOP, YOU GAVE ME A

LONG, AND EVERY TIME I JUMPED THROUGH THE HOOP, YOU GAVE ME A CRACKER.

THROUGH THE HOOP, YOU GAVE ME A CRACKER. WELL, I'M SORRY.

CRACKER. WELL, I'M SORRY. WE JUST CAN'T GIVE A CRACKER IN

WELL, I'M SORRY. WE JUST CAN'T GIVE A CRACKER IN THESE KIND OF ACTS AFTER EACH

WE JUST CAN'T GIVE A CRACKER IN THESE KIND OF ACTS AFTER EACH TIME.

THESE KIND OF ACTS AFTER EACH TIME. IT LOOKS LIKE YOU'RE ONLY DOING

TIME. IT LOOKS LIKE YOU'RE ONLY DOING IT FOR THE CRACKER.

IT LOOKS LIKE YOU'RE ONLY DOING IT FOR THE CRACKER. WELL, LISTEN, STEVE, I'VE

IT FOR THE CRACKER. WELL, LISTEN, STEVE, I'VE NEVER OPERATED ON ANYTHING BUT A

WELL, LISTEN, STEVE, I'VE NEVER OPERATED ON ANYTHING BUT A HANDSHAKE IN THIS BUSINESS,

NEVER OPERATED ON ANYTHING BUT A HANDSHAKE IN THIS BUSINESS, YOU KNOW?

HANDSHAKE IN THIS BUSINESS, YOU KNOW? AND I JUMPED THROUGH THE HOOP ON

YOU KNOW? AND I JUMPED THROUGH THE HOOP ON MONDAY.

AND I JUMPED THROUGH THE HOOP ON MONDAY. YOU GAVE ME A CRACKER.

MONDAY. YOU GAVE ME A CRACKER. TUESDAY, I DID IT AGAIN.

YOU GAVE ME A CRACKER. TUESDAY, I DID IT AGAIN. YOU GAVE ME ANOTHER CRACKER.

TUESDAY, I DID IT AGAIN. YOU GAVE ME ANOTHER CRACKER. WEDNESDAY, WE DIDN'T REHEARSE.

YOU GAVE ME ANOTHER CRACKER. WEDNESDAY, WE DIDN'T REHEARSE. I DIDN'T GET A CRACKER.

WEDNESDAY, WE DIDN'T REHEARSE. I DIDN'T GET A CRACKER. THURSDAY AND FRIDAY, WE DID IT

I DIDN'T GET A CRACKER. THURSDAY AND FRIDAY, WE DID IT FOUR TIMES... CRACKER, CRACKER,

THURSDAY AND FRIDAY, WE DID IT FOUR TIMES... CRACKER, CRACKER, CRACKER, CRACKER.

FOUR TIMES... CRACKER, CRACKER, CRACKER, CRACKER. WELL, BILL, I'M SORRY, BUT WE

CRACKER, CRACKER. WELL, BILL, I'M SORRY, BUT WE JUST CAN'T GIVE A CRACKER OUT

WELL, BILL, I'M SORRY, BUT WE JUST CAN'T GIVE A CRACKER OUT EACH TIME.

JUST CAN'T GIVE A CRACKER OUT EACH TIME. I'M SORRY. WE JUST CAN'T DO IT.

EACH TIME. I'M SORRY. WE JUST CAN'T DO IT. WELL, MAYBE I'LL JUST GO TELL

I'M SORRY. WE JUST CAN'T DO IT. WELL, MAYBE I'LL JUST GO TELL JANE AND GARRETT AND DAN THAT

WELL, MAYBE I'LL JUST GO TELL JANE AND GARRETT AND DAN THAT THERE'S NOT GONNA BE A CRACKER

JANE AND GARRETT AND DAN THAT THERE'S NOT GONNA BE A CRACKER FOR THE SHOW TONIGHT.

THERE'S NOT GONNA BE A CRACKER FOR THE SHOW TONIGHT. [Laughing] COME ON.

FOR THE SHOW TONIGHT. [Laughing] COME ON. YOU WOULDN'T DO THAT.

[Laughing] COME ON. YOU WOULDN'T DO THAT. MAYBE THEY WON'T DO THE

YOU WOULDN'T DO THAT. MAYBE THEY WON'T DO THE SHOW.

MAYBE THEY WON'T DO THE SHOW. [CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]

SHOW. [CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY] Y-Y-YOU WOULDN'T DARE DO THAT.

[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY] Y-Y-YOU WOULDN'T DARE DO THAT. STEVE, I'M GONNA CALL YOUR

Y-Y-YOU WOULDN'T DARE DO THAT. STEVE, I'M GONNA CALL YOUR BLUFF.

STEVE, I'M GONNA CALL YOUR BLUFF. EITHER YOU GIVE ME A CRACKER OR

BLUFF. EITHER YOU GIVE ME A CRACKER OR I GO BACK TO THE DRESSING ROOM

EITHER YOU GIVE ME A CRACKER OR I GO BACK TO THE DRESSING ROOM AND SPILL MY GUTS.

I GO BACK TO THE DRESSING ROOM AND SPILL MY GUTS. AH, YOU...

AND SPILL MY GUTS. AH, YOU... [PANTING]

THANKS FOR THE CRACKER, STEVE. [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, IF I'M GOING TO HAVE TO GIVE A CRACKER OUT AFTER EACH ROUTINE

GOING TO HAVE TO GIVE A CRACKER OUT AFTER EACH ROUTINE TONIGHT... TO EVERY MEMBER OF

OUT AFTER EACH ROUTINE TONIGHT... TO EVERY MEMBER OF THE CAST... THIS CHANGES THINGS

TONIGHT... TO EVERY MEMBER OF THE CAST... THIS CHANGES THINGS A LITTLE BIT FOR ME FINANCIALLY.

THE CAST... THIS CHANGES THINGS A LITTLE BIT FOR ME FINANCIALLY. I'M GONNA HAVE TO THINK ABOUT

A LITTLE BIT FOR ME FINANCIALLY. I'M GONNA HAVE TO THINK ABOUT THIS.

I'M GONNA HAVE TO THINK ABOUT THIS. AND WE MAY OR MAY NOT BE BACK

THIS. AND WE MAY OR MAY NOT BE BACK AFTER THIS COMMERCIAL.

AND WE MAY OR MAY NOT BE BACK AFTER THIS COMMERCIAL. [CLEARS THROAT]

AFTER THIS COMMERCIAL. [CLEARS THROAT] [APPLAUSE]

♪ LOVE ME TENDER ♪ Announcer: THE NEW JERSEY CIVIC COLISEUM IS PROUD TO

Announcer: THE NEW JERSEY CIVIC COLISEUM IS PROUD TO PRESENT, APPEARING LIVE FOR A

CIVIC COLISEUM IS PROUD TO PRESENT, APPEARING LIVE FOR A LIMITED ENGAGEMENT...

PRESENT, APPEARING LIVE FOR A LIMITED ENGAGEMENT... ELVIS PRESLEY'S COAT!

LIMITED ENGAGEMENT... ELVIS PRESLEY'S COAT! HEAR THE HITS OF THE KING AND

ELVIS PRESLEY'S COAT! HEAR THE HITS OF THE KING AND SEE THE COAT THAT MADE HIM

HEAR THE HITS OF THE KING AND SEE THE COAT THAT MADE HIM FAMOUS.

SEE THE COAT THAT MADE HIM FAMOUS. ♪ NUMBER 47 SAID TO NUMBER

FAMOUS. ♪ NUMBER 47 SAID TO NUMBER 3, "YOU'RE THE CUTEST JAILBIRD

♪ NUMBER 47 SAID TO NUMBER 3, "YOU'RE THE CUTEST JAILBIRD I EVER DID SEE ♪

3, "YOU'RE THE CUTEST JAILBIRD I EVER DID SEE ♪ ♪ I SURE WOULD BE DELIGHTED WITH

I EVER DID SEE ♪ ♪ I SURE WOULD BE DELIGHTED WITH YOUR COMPANY ♪

♪ I SURE WOULD BE DELIGHTED WITH YOUR COMPANY ♪ ♪ COME ON AND DO THE JAILHOUSE

YOUR COMPANY ♪ ♪ COME ON AND DO THE JAILHOUSE ROCK WITH ME" ♪

♪ COME ON AND DO THE JAILHOUSE ROCK WITH ME" ♪ ♪ LET'S ROCK ♪

ROCK WITH ME" ♪ ♪ LET'S ROCK ♪ IT'S SEXY!

♪ LET'S ROCK ♪ IT'S SEXY! ♪ I'M IN LOVE ♪

IT'S SEXY! ♪ I'M IN LOVE ♪ ♪ I'M ALL SHOOK UP ♪

♪ I'M IN LOVE ♪ ♪ I'M ALL SHOOK UP ♪ SIMPLY MIND-BOGGLING.

♪ I'M ALL SHOOK UP ♪ SIMPLY MIND-BOGGLING. UNCANNY.

SIMPLY MIND-BOGGLING. UNCANNY. IT'S VISUAL.

UNCANNY. IT'S VISUAL. I THINK IT WAS REMARKABLE.

IT'S VISUAL. I THINK IT WAS REMARKABLE. I'M GONNA HAVE TO BRING THE

I THINK IT WAS REMARKABLE. I'M GONNA HAVE TO BRING THE KIDS.

I'M GONNA HAVE TO BRING THE KIDS. Announcer: SAID ONE CRITIC,

KIDS. Announcer: SAID ONE CRITIC, "IT WAS THE CLOSEST THING TO

Announcer: SAID ONE CRITIC, "IT WAS THE CLOSEST THING TO ELVIS HIMSELF."

"IT WAS THE CLOSEST THING TO ELVIS HIMSELF." ♪ AND BLUE HAWAII ♪

ELVIS HIMSELF." ♪ AND BLUE HAWAII ♪ WELL, THE LIGHTS.

♪ AND BLUE HAWAII ♪ WELL, THE LIGHTS. THE SOUNDS.

WELL, THE LIGHTS. THE SOUNDS. I THINK I'VE SEEN ALL OF THE

THE SOUNDS. I THINK I'VE SEEN ALL OF THE IMITATION-COAT SHOWS, BUT THEY

I THINK I'VE SEEN ALL OF THE IMITATION-COAT SHOWS, BUT THEY DON'T COMPARE TO THE REAL THING.

IMITATION-COAT SHOWS, BUT THEY DON'T COMPARE TO THE REAL THING. NOW THE STAGE IS BARE, AND

DON'T COMPARE TO THE REAL THING. NOW THE STAGE IS BARE, AND I'M STANDING THERE WITH

NOW THE STAGE IS BARE, AND I'M STANDING THERE WITH EMPTINESS ALL AROUND.

I'M STANDING THERE WITH EMPTINESS ALL AROUND. Announcer: THE KING MAY BE

EMPTINESS ALL AROUND. Announcer: THE KING MAY BE DEAD, BUT THE COAT LIVES ON.

ENGAGEMENT BEGINS TUESDAY,

NOVEMBER 7th.

IT'S A TRIP. YOU REALLY HAVE TO SEE IT. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

[THEME MUSIC PLAYS]

GOOD EVENING. I'M CRAIG BLAIR. WELCOME AGAIN TO "WHAT IF?"

I'M CRAIG BLAIR. WELCOME AGAIN TO "WHAT IF?" EACH WEEK ON THE SHOW, WE ASK A

WELCOME AGAIN TO "WHAT IF?" EACH WEEK ON THE SHOW, WE ASK A HYPOTHETICAL QUESTION ABOUT A

EACH WEEK ON THE SHOW, WE ASK A HYPOTHETICAL QUESTION ABOUT A SPECIFIC HISTORICAL EVENT.

HYPOTHETICAL QUESTION ABOUT A SPECIFIC HISTORICAL EVENT. TONIGHT'S QUESTION COMES FROM A

SPECIFIC HISTORICAL EVENT. TONIGHT'S QUESTION COMES FROM A KEVIN O'DONNELL, AGE 10, A

TONIGHT'S QUESTION COMES FROM A KEVIN O'DONNELL, AGE 10, A PAPERBOY FROM ALTON, ILLINOIS.

KEVIN O'DONNELL, AGE 10, A PAPERBOY FROM ALTON, ILLINOIS. KEVIN ASKS, "WHAT IF

PAPERBOY FROM ALTON, ILLINOIS. KEVIN ASKS, "WHAT IF ELEANOR ROOSEVELT COULD FLY?"

KEVIN ASKS, "WHAT IF ELEANOR ROOSEVELT COULD FLY?" WITH US TO HELP ANSWER THIS

ELEANOR ROOSEVELT COULD FLY?" WITH US TO HELP ANSWER THIS QUESTION IS OUR PANEL OF

WITH US TO HELP ANSWER THIS QUESTION IS OUR PANEL OF EXPERTS.

QUESTION IS OUR PANEL OF EXPERTS. TONIGHT, SYLVIA REED, PROFESSOR

EXPERTS. TONIGHT, SYLVIA REED, PROFESSOR OF AMERICAN HISTORY AT

TONIGHT, SYLVIA REED, PROFESSOR OF AMERICAN HISTORY AT MOUNT HOLYOKE COLLEGE.

SHE IS AN AUTHORITY ON THE

PRESIDENCY AND ESPECIALLY FIRST

LADIES.

AND MR. GEORGE TEMPLE, AN

AVIATION DESIGN ENGINEER FROM

THE LOCKHEED CORPORATION.

PROFESSOR REED, WHAT IF ELEANOR ROOSEVELT COULD FLY? WELL, AT THE OUTSET, I WOULD

ELEANOR ROOSEVELT COULD FLY? WELL, AT THE OUTSET, I WOULD POINT OUT THAT ELEANOR ROOSEVELT

WELL, AT THE OUTSET, I WOULD POINT OUT THAT ELEANOR ROOSEVELT WAS PERHAPS OUR MOST OUTSTANDING

POINT OUT THAT ELEANOR ROOSEVELT WAS PERHAPS OUR MOST OUTSTANDING FIRST LADY, EVEN WITHOUT THE

WAS PERHAPS OUR MOST OUTSTANDING FIRST LADY, EVEN WITHOUT THE ABILITY TO FLY.

FIRST LADY, EVEN WITHOUT THE ABILITY TO FLY. OF COURSE, NONE OF OUR OTHER

ABILITY TO FLY. OF COURSE, NONE OF OUR OTHER FIRST LADIES COULD FLY, ALTHOUGH

OF COURSE, NONE OF OUR OTHER FIRST LADIES COULD FLY, ALTHOUGH MRS. CHESTER A. ARTHUR WAS A

FIRST LADIES COULD FLY, ALTHOUGH MRS. CHESTER A. ARTHUR WAS A GREAT LONG-DISTANCE JUMPER.

MRS. CHESTER A. ARTHUR WAS A GREAT LONG-DISTANCE JUMPER. AND MRS. ZACHARY TAYLOR COULD

GREAT LONG-DISTANCE JUMPER. AND MRS. ZACHARY TAYLOR COULD PUT HER ENTIRE FIST IN HER

AND MRS. ZACHARY TAYLOR COULD PUT HER ENTIRE FIST IN HER MOUTH.

PUT HER ENTIRE FIST IN HER MOUTH. BUT OF ALL THE FIRST LADIES, I

MOUTH. BUT OF ALL THE FIRST LADIES, I THINK ELEANOR ROOSEVELT COULD'VE

BUT OF ALL THE FIRST LADIES, I THINK ELEANOR ROOSEVELT COULD'VE MADE THE MOST OF THE GIFT OF

THINK ELEANOR ROOSEVELT COULD'VE MADE THE MOST OF THE GIFT OF FLIGHT.

MADE THE MOST OF THE GIFT OF FLIGHT. OF COURSE, WE SHOULD REMEMBER

FLIGHT. OF COURSE, WE SHOULD REMEMBER THAT DURING THE LATTER PART OF

OF COURSE, WE SHOULD REMEMBER THAT DURING THE LATTER PART OF MRS. ROOSEVELT'S TENURE AS THE

THAT DURING THE LATTER PART OF MRS. ROOSEVELT'S TENURE AS THE FIRST LADY, THIS COUNTRY WAS AT

MRS. ROOSEVELT'S TENURE AS THE FIRST LADY, THIS COUNTRY WAS AT WAR.

FIRST LADY, THIS COUNTRY WAS AT WAR. MR. TEMPLE, WHAT WOULD BE THE

WAR. MR. TEMPLE, WHAT WOULD BE THE MILITARY SIGNIFICANCE OF A

MR. TEMPLE, WHAT WOULD BE THE MILITARY SIGNIFICANCE OF A FLYING FIRST LADY?

MILITARY SIGNIFICANCE OF A FLYING FIRST LADY? UH, WELL, OUT AT LOCKHEED,

FLYING FIRST LADY? UH, WELL, OUT AT LOCKHEED, WE'VE PERFORMED WIND-TUNNEL

UH, WELL, OUT AT LOCKHEED, WE'VE PERFORMED WIND-TUNNEL TESTS ON ELDERLY WOMEN, AND

WE'VE PERFORMED WIND-TUNNEL TESTS ON ELDERLY WOMEN, AND WE'VE FOUND THAT THEY'RE

TESTS ON ELDERLY WOMEN, AND WE'VE FOUND THAT THEY'RE BASICALLY UNWIELDY AND REALLY

WE'VE FOUND THAT THEY'RE BASICALLY UNWIELDY AND REALLY COULDN'T PACK MUCH OF A PAYLOAD.

BASICALLY UNWIELDY AND REALLY COULDN'T PACK MUCH OF A PAYLOAD. BUT I THINK, IN THIS CASE, WE

COULDN'T PACK MUCH OF A PAYLOAD. BUT I THINK, IN THIS CASE, WE ARE TALKING ABOUT THE TREMENDOUS

BUT I THINK, IN THIS CASE, WE ARE TALKING ABOUT THE TREMENDOUS SYMBOLIC VALUE THAT A FLYING

ARE TALKING ABOUT THE TREMENDOUS SYMBOLIC VALUE THAT A FLYING FIRST LADY WOULD HAVE HAD.

SYMBOLIC VALUE THAT A FLYING FIRST LADY WOULD HAVE HAD. WHICH BRINGS US TO OUR

FIRST LADY WOULD HAVE HAD. WHICH BRINGS US TO OUR DRAMATIZATION OF TONIGHT'S

WHICH BRINGS US TO OUR DRAMATIZATION OF TONIGHT'S HYPOTHESIS... WHAT IF

DRAMATIZATION OF TONIGHT'S HYPOTHESIS... WHAT IF ELEANOR ROOSEVELT COULD FLY?

BABS, I'M DEAD SET AGAINST IT. PERFORMING AT STATE FAIRS IS ONE

IT. PERFORMING AT STATE FAIRS IS ONE THING, BUT LEADING A SQUADRON OF

PERFORMING AT STATE FAIRS IS ONE THING, BUT LEADING A SQUADRON OF B-17s OVER GERMANY IS QUITE

THING, BUT LEADING A SQUADRON OF B-17s OVER GERMANY IS QUITE ANOTHER.

B-17s OVER GERMANY IS QUITE ANOTHER. I WON'T HEAR OF IT.

FRANKLIN, WHEN I THINK ABOUT

THE BOYS THAT WE'RE SENDING OVER

THERE, BOYS NO OLDER THAN OUR

OWN SON JAMES, THEN I KNOW THAT

IF MY EFFORT CAN SHORTEN THE WAR

BY EVEN ONE MORE DAY, IT'S WORTH

ANY RISK I HAVE TO TAKE.

DAMN IT, BABS, WHY ARE YOU ALWAYS RIGHT? YOU KNOW, IT'S EASIER TO CHANGE

ALWAYS RIGHT? YOU KNOW, IT'S EASIER TO CHANGE THE AMERICAN ECONOMIC SYSTEM

YOU KNOW, IT'S EASIER TO CHANGE THE AMERICAN ECONOMIC SYSTEM THAN TO CHANGE YOUR MIND.

THE AMERICAN ECONOMIC SYSTEM THAN TO CHANGE YOUR MIND. [LAUGHS]

THAN TO CHANGE YOUR MIND. [LAUGHS] TELL ME, FRANKLIN, DOES IT

[LAUGHS] TELL ME, FRANKLIN, DOES IT BOTHER YOU WHAT THEY SAY IN THE

TELL ME, FRANKLIN, DOES IT BOTHER YOU WHAT THEY SAY IN THE PAPERS... THAT YOU CAN'T EVEN

BOTHER YOU WHAT THEY SAY IN THE PAPERS... THAT YOU CAN'T EVEN WALK AND YOU HAVE A WIFE THAT

PAPERS... THAT YOU CAN'T EVEN WALK AND YOU HAVE A WIFE THAT CAN FLY?

WALK AND YOU HAVE A WIFE THAT CAN FLY? YES, IT DOES.

CAN FLY? YES, IT DOES. BUT YOU HAVE MY BLESSINGS.

YES, IT DOES. BUT YOU HAVE MY BLESSINGS. [MOTOR WHIRRING]

BUT YOU HAVE MY BLESSINGS. [MOTOR WHIRRING] AH, THERE'S MY FIGHTER ESCORT

[MOTOR WHIRRING] AH, THERE'S MY FIGHTER ESCORT NOW.

AH, THERE'S MY FIGHTER ESCORT NOW. I MUST BE GOING.

NOW. I MUST BE GOING. GOODBYE, FRANKLIN.

I MUST BE GOING. GOODBYE, FRANKLIN. GOODBYE, BABS.

GOODBYE, FRANKLIN. GOODBYE, BABS. GOOD LUCK.

GOODBYE, BABS. GOOD LUCK. AND CLOSE THE WINDOW AFTER YOU.

GOOD LUCK. AND CLOSE THE WINDOW AFTER YOU. I THINK MAYBE FOR MORALE

AND CLOSE THE WINDOW AFTER YOU. I THINK MAYBE FOR MORALE PURPOSES YOU SHOULD WEAR

I THINK MAYBE FOR MORALE PURPOSES YOU SHOULD WEAR TROUSERS IF YOU'RE GOING TO FLY

PURPOSES YOU SHOULD WEAR TROUSERS IF YOU'RE GOING TO FLY OVER THE TROOPS.

TROUSERS IF YOU'RE GOING TO FLY OVER THE TROOPS. [LAUGHS]

[GUNSHOTS]

NO QUESTION ABOUT IT... SHE WAS A GAME OLD GAL. MR. TEMPLE, ANY COMMENTS?

SHE WAS A GAME OLD GAL. MR. TEMPLE, ANY COMMENTS? WELL, AS YOU CAN SEE,

MR. TEMPLE, ANY COMMENTS? WELL, AS YOU CAN SEE, MRS. ROOSEVELT HAD NO ARMOR

WELL, AS YOU CAN SEE, MRS. ROOSEVELT HAD NO ARMOR PLATING.

MRS. ROOSEVELT HAD NO ARMOR PLATING. SHE WORE MOSTLY COTTON DRESSES,

PLATING. SHE WORE MOSTLY COTTON DRESSES, A SIMPLE FUR PIECE, SENSIBLE

SHE WORE MOSTLY COTTON DRESSES, A SIMPLE FUR PIECE, SENSIBLE SHOES, SO SHE WAS VERY

A SIMPLE FUR PIECE, SENSIBLE SHOES, SO SHE WAS VERY VULNERABLE TO GERMAN

SHOES, SO SHE WAS VERY VULNERABLE TO GERMAN ANTIAIRCRAFT.

VULNERABLE TO GERMAN ANTIAIRCRAFT. NOW, I DON'T THINK THAT HER

ANTIAIRCRAFT. NOW, I DON'T THINK THAT HER FLYING ABILITY WOULD HAVE MADE A

NOW, I DON'T THINK THAT HER FLYING ABILITY WOULD HAVE MADE A SIGNIFICANT DIFFERENCE IN THE

FLYING ABILITY WOULD HAVE MADE A SIGNIFICANT DIFFERENCE IN THE OUTCOME OF WORLD WAR II.

SIGNIFICANT DIFFERENCE IN THE OUTCOME OF WORLD WAR II. I BASICALLY AGREE, EXCEPT

OUTCOME OF WORLD WAR II. I BASICALLY AGREE, EXCEPT THAT IF ELEANOR HAD BEEN SHOT

I BASICALLY AGREE, EXCEPT THAT IF ELEANOR HAD BEEN SHOT DOWN BEFORE THE END OF 1943,

THAT IF ELEANOR HAD BEEN SHOT DOWN BEFORE THE END OF 1943, FRANKLIN PROBABLY WOULD'VE

DOWN BEFORE THE END OF 1943, FRANKLIN PROBABLY WOULD'VE MARRIED LUCY MERCER, SPENT LESS

FRANKLIN PROBABLY WOULD'VE MARRIED LUCY MERCER, SPENT LESS TIME ON THE WAR.

MARRIED LUCY MERCER, SPENT LESS TIME ON THE WAR. THANK YOU, MR. TEMPLE,

TIME ON THE WAR. THANK YOU, MR. TEMPLE, PROFESSOR REED.

THANK YOU, MR. TEMPLE, PROFESSOR REED. NOW FOR THE MAIL ON LAST WEEK'S

PROFESSOR REED. NOW FOR THE MAIL ON LAST WEEK'S SHOW.

NOW FOR THE MAIL ON LAST WEEK'S SHOW. WE GOT THIS FROM A

SHOW. WE GOT THIS FROM A MR. JEFFREY FREDERICK OF BOSTON,

WE GOT THIS FROM A MR. JEFFREY FREDERICK OF BOSTON, MASSACHUSETTS.

MR. JEFFREY FREDERICK OF BOSTON, MASSACHUSETTS. HE WRITES...

MR. FREDERICK, WE WENT BACK AND RECHECKED OUR RESEARCH, AND WE AT "WHAT IF?" STAND BY OUR

RECHECKED OUR RESEARCH, AND WE AT "WHAT IF?" STAND BY OUR STORY.

AT "WHAT IF?" STAND BY OUR STORY. WELL, THAT'S IT FOR TONIGHT.

STORY. WELL, THAT'S IT FOR TONIGHT. JOIN US NEXT WEEK, WHEN THEY

WELL, THAT'S IT FOR TONIGHT. JOIN US NEXT WEEK, WHEN THEY POSE THE QUESTION "WHAT IF

JOIN US NEXT WEEK, WHEN THEY POSE THE QUESTION "WHAT IF GEORGE WASHINGTON COULD MAKE

POSE THE QUESTION "WHAT IF GEORGE WASHINGTON COULD MAKE HIMSELF INVISIBLE AND HAD A

GEORGE WASHINGTON COULD MAKE HIMSELF INVISIBLE AND HAD A ROBOT FRIEND?"

HIMSELF INVISIBLE AND HAD A ROBOT FRIEND?" GOOD NIGHT.

[INDISTINCT TALKING]

I SAW HER CONSORTING WITH

THE DEVIL!

NO CALVES HAVE BEEN BORN SINCE SHE MOVED HERE! SHE'S A WITCH!

SINCE SHE MOVED HERE! SHE'S A WITCH! BURN HER!

SHE'S A WITCH! BURN HER! All: BURN HER! BURN HER!

BURN HER! All: BURN HER! BURN HER! QUIET!

All: BURN HER! BURN HER! QUIET! ARE WE BARBARIANS?

QUIET! ARE WE BARBARIANS? THIS IS THE 12th CENTURY!

ARE WE BARBARIANS? THIS IS THE 12th CENTURY! JUST AS LONG AS I AM THE

THIS IS THE 12th CENTURY! JUST AS LONG AS I AM THE JUSTICIAR IN THIS SHIRE,

JUST AS LONG AS I AM THE JUSTICIAR IN THIS SHIRE, EVERYONE WILL BE GIVEN A FAIR

JUSTICIAR IN THIS SHIRE, EVERYONE WILL BE GIVEN A FAIR TRIAL ACCORDING TO THE LAWS OF

EVERYONE WILL BE GIVEN A FAIR TRIAL ACCORDING TO THE LAWS OF ENGLAND.

HEAR YE. BE IT KNOWN TO ALL THAT THEODORIC OF YORK, THE JUSTICIAR

BE IT KNOWN TO ALL THAT THEODORIC OF YORK, THE JUSTICIAR OF THE REALM, WILL PRESIDE THIS

THEODORIC OF YORK, THE JUSTICIAR OF THE REALM, WILL PRESIDE THIS DAY TO HEAR ALL WRITS, ASSIZES,

OF THE REALM, WILL PRESIDE THIS DAY TO HEAR ALL WRITS, ASSIZES, SUITS, PLAINTS, AND CLAIMS OF

DAY TO HEAR ALL WRITS, ASSIZES, SUITS, PLAINTS, AND CLAIMS OF THE SHIRE.

SUITS, PLAINTS, AND CLAIMS OF THE SHIRE. NOW, WHO SAW THIS WOMAN

THE SHIRE. NOW, WHO SAW THIS WOMAN CONSORT WITH THE DEVIL?

NOW, WHO SAW THIS WOMAN CONSORT WITH THE DEVIL? IT WAS I, BRUNGILDA.

CONSORT WITH THE DEVIL? IT WAS I, BRUNGILDA. [LAUGHS]

IT WAS I, BRUNGILDA. [LAUGHS] I WAS DRIVING HOME THE ABBOT'S

[LAUGHS] I WAS DRIVING HOME THE ABBOT'S OXEN LAST NIGHT, AND I SAW HER

I WAS DRIVING HOME THE ABBOT'S OXEN LAST NIGHT, AND I SAW HER TALKING FREELY BY THE RIVER WITH

OXEN LAST NIGHT, AND I SAW HER TALKING FREELY BY THE RIVER WITH SATAN!

TALKING FREELY BY THE RIVER WITH SATAN! HOW DO YOU KNOW IT WAS SATAN?

SATAN! HOW DO YOU KNOW IT WAS SATAN? WHAT FORM DID HE TAKE?

HOW DO YOU KNOW IT WAS SATAN? WHAT FORM DID HE TAKE? A LEATHER-WINGED GRIFFIN.

WHAT FORM DID HE TAKE? A LEATHER-WINGED GRIFFIN. HMM.

A LEATHER-WINGED GRIFFIN. HMM. THAT'S THE DEVIL, ALL RIGHT.

HMM. THAT'S THE DEVIL, ALL RIGHT. HOW DO YOU ANSWER THESE CHARGES?

THAT'S THE DEVIL, ALL RIGHT. HOW DO YOU ANSWER THESE CHARGES? I WAS GATHERING WOOD WHEN A

HOW DO YOU ANSWER THESE CHARGES? I WAS GATHERING WOOD WHEN A WANDERING TROUBADOUR STOPPED AND

I WAS GATHERING WOOD WHEN A WANDERING TROUBADOUR STOPPED AND ASKED ME WHERE HE MIGHT FIND

WANDERING TROUBADOUR STOPPED AND ASKED ME WHERE HE MIGHT FIND FOOD.

ASKED ME WHERE HE MIGHT FIND FOOD. I TOLD HIM I KNEW NOT BUT

FOOD. I TOLD HIM I KNEW NOT BUT OFFERED HIM SOME GOOSE LIVER I

I TOLD HIM I KNEW NOT BUT OFFERED HIM SOME GOOSE LIVER I HAD IN MY POCKET.

OFFERED HIM SOME GOOSE LIVER I HAD IN MY POCKET. YOU LIE! YOU'RE A WITCH!

HAD IN MY POCKET. YOU LIE! YOU'RE A WITCH! THE LAW IS CLEAR!

YOU LIE! YOU'RE A WITCH! THE LAW IS CLEAR! THE LAW IS CLEAR IN SUCH

THE LAW IS CLEAR! THE LAW IS CLEAR IN SUCH MATTERS!

THE LAW IS CLEAR IN SUCH MATTERS! LET US CONSULT THE WRIT OF

MATTERS! LET US CONSULT THE WRIT OF COMMON WISDOM.

LET US CONSULT THE WRIT OF COMMON WISDOM. REEVE.

COMMON WISDOM. REEVE. THE WRIT OF COMMON WISDOM.

REEVE. THE WRIT OF COMMON WISDOM. OKAY, LET'S SEE.

THE WRIT OF COMMON WISDOM. OKAY, LET'S SEE. BEFOULMENT OF WELLS, BOAR

OKAY, LET'S SEE. BEFOULMENT OF WELLS, BOAR POACHING, CONSORTING WITH DANES,

BEFOULMENT OF WELLS, BOAR POACHING, CONSORTING WITH DANES, CONSORTING WITH S...

POACHING, CONSORTING WITH DANES, CONSORTING WITH S... AH. CONSORTING WITH THE DEVIL.

CONSORTING WITH S... AH. CONSORTING WITH THE DEVIL. ALL RIGHT, THIS IS VERY CLEAR IN

AH. CONSORTING WITH THE DEVIL. ALL RIGHT, THIS IS VERY CLEAR IN HERE, BUT IT'S IN LATIN, SO I'LL

ALL RIGHT, THIS IS VERY CLEAR IN HERE, BUT IT'S IN LATIN, SO I'LL PUT IT TO YOU IN LAYMAN'S

HERE, BUT IT'S IN LATIN, SO I'LL PUT IT TO YOU IN LAYMAN'S ENGLISH.

PUT IT TO YOU IN LAYMAN'S ENGLISH. WE'RE GOING TO HAVE TO THROW YOU

ENGLISH. WE'RE GOING TO HAVE TO THROW YOU IN THE TROUGH OF JUSTICE.

WE'RE GOING TO HAVE TO THROW YOU IN THE TROUGH OF JUSTICE. [INDISTINCT TALKING]

IN THE TROUGH OF JUSTICE. [INDISTINCT TALKING] THE LAW STATES THAT IF YOU ARE

[INDISTINCT TALKING] THE LAW STATES THAT IF YOU ARE GUILTY, YOU WILL FLOAT ON WATER,

THE LAW STATES THAT IF YOU ARE GUILTY, YOU WILL FLOAT ON WATER, AND IF YOU ARE INNOCENT,

GUILTY, YOU WILL FLOAT ON WATER, AND IF YOU ARE INNOCENT, YOU WILL SINK.

AND IF YOU ARE INNOCENT, YOU WILL SINK. SO YOU HAVE NOTHING TO FEAR.

YOU WILL SINK. SO YOU HAVE NOTHING TO FEAR. YOU SEE, IF THE ACCUSED FLOATS,

SO YOU HAVE NOTHING TO FEAR. YOU SEE, IF THE ACCUSED FLOATS, IT MEANS THAT THE WATER HAS

YOU SEE, IF THE ACCUSED FLOATS, IT MEANS THAT THE WATER HAS REJECTED HER BODY.

IT MEANS THAT THE WATER HAS REJECTED HER BODY. OF COURSE, IF THE INNOCENT HERE

REJECTED HER BODY. OF COURSE, IF THE INNOCENT HERE SINKS, THAT MEANS THE WATER HAS

OF COURSE, IF THE INNOCENT HERE SINKS, THAT MEANS THE WATER HAS ACCEPTED HER BODY.

SINKS, THAT MEANS THE WATER HAS ACCEPTED HER BODY. THEREFORE, SHE IS INNOCENT.

ACCEPTED HER BODY. THEREFORE, SHE IS INNOCENT. AH! NOT GUILTY!

THEREFORE, SHE IS INNOCENT. AH! NOT GUILTY! [INDISTINCT SHOUTING]

AH! NOT GUILTY! [INDISTINCT SHOUTING] I WAS WRONG!

[INDISTINCT SHOUTING] I WAS WRONG! I MUST HAVE BEEN WRONG.

I WAS WRONG! I MUST HAVE BEEN WRONG. I WAS WRONG.

I MUST HAVE BEEN WRONG. I WAS WRONG. THE CASE OF SIMKIN OF

I WAS WRONG. THE CASE OF SIMKIN OF PUTTERIDGE VERSUS THE THANE OF

THE CASE OF SIMKIN OF PUTTERIDGE VERSUS THE THANE OF BRISBANE.

PUTTERIDGE VERSUS THE THANE OF BRISBANE. THE SHERIFF ARRESTED THIS SERF

BRISBANE. THE SHERIFF ARRESTED THIS SERF WHO HAD PURLOINED ONE OF THE

THE SHERIFF ARRESTED THIS SERF WHO HAD PURLOINED ONE OF THE THANE'S SWINE WHILE

WHO HAD PURLOINED ONE OF THE THANE'S SWINE WHILE IMPERSONATING A FREEMAN.

THANE'S SWINE WHILE IMPERSONATING A FREEMAN. MY LORD, THIS IS ALL FALSE.

IMPERSONATING A FREEMAN. MY LORD, THIS IS ALL FALSE. I WAS RETURNING CHARLOTTE TO THE

MY LORD, THIS IS ALL FALSE. I WAS RETURNING CHARLOTTE TO THE THANE.

I WAS RETURNING CHARLOTTE TO THE THANE. AND I REALLY WAS MADE A FREEMAN

THANE. AND I REALLY WAS MADE A FREEMAN YESTERDAY BY THIS TRAVELING

AND I REALLY WAS MADE A FREEMAN YESTERDAY BY THIS TRAVELING NOBLEMAN.

YESTERDAY BY THIS TRAVELING NOBLEMAN. HE SAID, "OH, YOU'RE FREE.

NOBLEMAN. HE SAID, "OH, YOU'RE FREE. GO ON AHEAD."

HE SAID, "OH, YOU'RE FREE. GO ON AHEAD." IF YOU LET ME GO ON BACK TO MY

GO ON AHEAD." IF YOU LET ME GO ON BACK TO MY HOME, I COULD COME BACK WITH THE

IF YOU LET ME GO ON BACK TO MY HOME, I COULD COME BACK WITH THE DOCUMENTS FOR YOU ON THIS.

HOME, I COULD COME BACK WITH THE DOCUMENTS FOR YOU ON THIS. DO YOU SWEAR BEFORE THIS

DOCUMENTS FOR YOU ON THIS. DO YOU SWEAR BEFORE THIS COURT THAT WHAT YOU SAY IS TRUE?

DO YOU SWEAR BEFORE THIS COURT THAT WHAT YOU SAY IS TRUE? YOU'RE DAMN RIGHT.

COURT THAT WHAT YOU SAY IS TRUE? YOU'RE DAMN RIGHT. WELL, THERE'S ONLY ONE WAY TO

YOU'RE DAMN RIGHT. WELL, THERE'S ONLY ONE WAY TO TELL.

WELL, THERE'S ONLY ONE WAY TO TELL. REMOVE HIS BOOTS.

TELL. REMOVE HIS BOOTS. TAKE THE PIG, WENCH!

REMOVE HIS BOOTS. TAKE THE PIG, WENCH! TAKE THE PIG!

TAKE THE PIG, WENCH! TAKE THE PIG! [PIG SQUEALING]

TAKE THE PIG! [PIG SQUEALING] YOU WILL TAKE 10 PACES ON THE

[PIG SQUEALING] YOU WILL TAKE 10 PACES ON THE BURNING COALS OF TRUTH.

YOU WILL TAKE 10 PACES ON THE BURNING COALS OF TRUTH. IF YOU ARE TELLING THE TRUTH,

BURNING COALS OF TRUTH. IF YOU ARE TELLING THE TRUTH, YOUR WOUNDS WILL NOT FESTER.

IF YOU ARE TELLING THE TRUTH, YOUR WOUNDS WILL NOT FESTER. 10 PACES, HUH?

YOUR WOUNDS WILL NOT FESTER. 10 PACES, HUH? LIKE SIX OR EIGHT WOULDN'T PROVE

10 PACES, HUH? LIKE SIX OR EIGHT WOULDN'T PROVE THE POINT.

ONE, TWO, THREE... AAH! AAH!

AAH! AAH! AAAH!

AAH! AAAH! ALL RIGHT.

AAAH! ALL RIGHT. I WAS LYING.

ALL RIGHT. I WAS LYING. I-I STOLE THE PIG.

I WAS LYING. I-I STOLE THE PIG. BUT I WAS SO HUNGRY, AND THE

I-I STOLE THE PIG. BUT I WAS SO HUNGRY, AND THE TAXES WERE SO GREAT.

BUT I WAS SO HUNGRY, AND THE TAXES WERE SO GREAT. PUT HIM ON THE RACK!

TAXES WERE SO GREAT. PUT HIM ON THE RACK! THE RACK!

PUT HIM ON THE RACK! THE RACK! PUT HIM ON THE RACK!

THE RACK! PUT HIM ON THE RACK! MY FEET!

PUT HIM ON THE RACK! MY FEET! PUT HIM ON THE RACK!

MY FEET! PUT HIM ON THE RACK! OH, MY FEET HURT!

PUT HIM ON THE RACK! OH, MY FEET HURT! OH!

OH, MY FEET HURT! OH! OH!

OH! OH! THIS HURTS WORSE THAN THE FEET!

OH! THIS HURTS WORSE THAN THE FEET! [GROANING]

THIS HURTS WORSE THAN THE FEET! [GROANING] SEND IN THE ACCUSED!

[GROANING] SEND IN THE ACCUSED! THE CASE OF JOHN THE TANNER

SEND IN THE ACCUSED! THE CASE OF JOHN THE TANNER VERSUS LORD COLCHESTER.

JOHN THE TANNER, YOU HAVE STOOD TWICE BEFORE THIS COURT. FIRST YOU WERE FOUND GUILTY OF

STOOD TWICE BEFORE THIS COURT. FIRST YOU WERE FOUND GUILTY OF THEFT, AND YOUR RIGHT ARM WAS

FIRST YOU WERE FOUND GUILTY OF THEFT, AND YOUR RIGHT ARM WAS CUT OFF.

THEFT, AND YOUR RIGHT ARM WAS CUT OFF. THEN YOU WERE FOUND GUILTY OF

CUT OFF. THEN YOU WERE FOUND GUILTY OF LYING, AND YOUR TONGUE WAS CUT

THEN YOU WERE FOUND GUILTY OF LYING, AND YOUR TONGUE WAS CUT OUT.

LYING, AND YOUR TONGUE WAS CUT OUT. NOW YOU STAND CHARGED AGAIN.

OUT. NOW YOU STAND CHARGED AGAIN. HOW DO YOU PLEAD?

NOW YOU STAND CHARGED AGAIN. HOW DO YOU PLEAD? [MUMBLING]

HOW DO YOU PLEAD? [MUMBLING] I SEE.

[MUMBLING] I SEE. AND OF WHAT IS THIS MAN ACCUSED?

I SEE. AND OF WHAT IS THIS MAN ACCUSED? ADULTERY, JUSTICIAR!

AND OF WHAT IS THIS MAN ACCUSED? ADULTERY, JUSTICIAR! LET'S SEE... ADULTERY...

ADULTERY, JUSTICIAR! LET'S SEE... ADULTERY... YOU WERE FOUND GUILTY OF THEFT,

LET'S SEE... ADULTERY... YOU WERE FOUND GUILTY OF THEFT, AND YOUR RIGHT ARM WAS CUT OFF.

YOU WERE FOUND GUILTY OF THEFT, AND YOUR RIGHT ARM WAS CUT OFF. YOU WERE FOUND GUILTY OF LYING,

AND YOUR RIGHT ARM WAS CUT OFF. YOU WERE FOUND GUILTY OF LYING, AND YOUR TONGUE WAS CUT OUT.

YOU WERE FOUND GUILTY OF LYING, AND YOUR TONGUE WAS CUT OUT. NOW ADULTERY.

AND YOUR TONGUE WAS CUT OUT. NOW ADULTERY. THE WRIT OF COMMON WISDOM!

NOW ADULTERY. THE WRIT OF COMMON WISDOM! THE WRIT OF COMMON WISDOM!

THE WRIT OF COMMON WISDOM! THE WRIT OF COMMON WISDOM! HMMM.

THE WRIT OF COMMON WISDOM! HMMM. THE PUNISHMENT FOR ADULTERY

HMMM. THE PUNISHMENT FOR ADULTERY IS...

THE PUNISHMENT FOR ADULTERY IS... OH, I CAN'T READ THIS PUBLICLY.

[GROANS] [PEOPLE GROANING]

THEY TOLD ME MY DAUGHTER WAS HERE. SHE WAS ACCUSED OF CONSORTING

HERE. SHE WAS ACCUSED OF CONSORTING WITH THE DEVIL.

SHE WAS ACCUSED OF CONSORTING WITH THE DEVIL. CONGRATULATIONS.

WITH THE DEVIL. CONGRATULATIONS. SHE WAS FOUND INNOCENT.

CONGRATULATIONS. SHE WAS FOUND INNOCENT. OH, THANK GOD!

SHE WAS FOUND INNOCENT. OH, THANK GOD! WHERE IS SHE?

OH, THANK GOD! WHERE IS SHE? AT THE BOTTOM OF THE TROUGH

WHERE IS SHE? AT THE BOTTOM OF THE TROUGH OF JUSTICE.

AT THE BOTTOM OF THE TROUGH OF JUSTICE. YOU SEE, IF THE BODY IS ACCEPTED

OF JUSTICE. YOU SEE, IF THE BODY IS ACCEPTED BY THE WATER, THAT MEANS SHE'S

YOU SEE, IF THE BODY IS ACCEPTED BY THE WATER, THAT MEANS SHE'S NOT GUILTY.

BY THE WATER, THAT MEANS SHE'S NOT GUILTY. SHE'S DEAD!

NOT GUILTY. SHE'S DEAD! WELL, SHE MUST HAVE DROWNED

SHE'S DEAD! WELL, SHE MUST HAVE DROWNED FROM BEING UNDER THE WATER.

WELL, SHE MUST HAVE DROWNED FROM BEING UNDER THE WATER. YOU CALL THIS JUSTICE... AN

FROM BEING UNDER THE WATER. YOU CALL THIS JUSTICE... AN INNOCENT GIRL DEAD?

YOU CALL THIS JUSTICE... AN INNOCENT GIRL DEAD? YEAH.

INNOCENT GIRL DEAD? YEAH. HEY, GOD'S WILL.

YEAH. HEY, GOD'S WILL. WHY DON'T YOU JUST ADMIT IT?

HEY, GOD'S WILL. WHY DON'T YOU JUST ADMIT IT? YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE

WHY DON'T YOU JUST ADMIT IT? YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING.

YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING. AND WHO ARE YOU TO INTERPRET

DOING. AND WHO ARE YOU TO INTERPRET GOD'S WILL?!

AND WHO ARE YOU TO INTERPRET GOD'S WILL?! YEAH, BY WHAT RIGHT?

GOD'S WILL?! YEAH, BY WHAT RIGHT? WELL, THE KING.

YEAH, BY WHAT RIGHT? WELL, THE KING. IT'S THE LAW.

WELL, THE KING. IT'S THE LAW. WELL, THE LAW IS WRONG!

IT'S THE LAW. WELL, THE LAW IS WRONG! THE LAW SHOULD BE CHANGED!

WELL, THE LAW IS WRONG! THE LAW SHOULD BE CHANGED! YOU KNOW, THERE IS A POINT IN

THE LAW SHOULD BE CHANGED! YOU KNOW, THERE IS A POINT IN WHAT SHE IS SAYING THERE, I

YOU KNOW, THERE IS A POINT IN WHAT SHE IS SAYING THERE, I THINK.

WHAT SHE IS SAYING THERE, I THINK. WAIT A MINUTE.

THINK. WAIT A MINUTE. PERHAPS SHE'S RIGHT.

WAIT A MINUTE. PERHAPS SHE'S RIGHT. MAYBE THE KING DOESN'T HAVE A

PERHAPS SHE'S RIGHT. MAYBE THE KING DOESN'T HAVE A MONOPOLY ON TRUTH.

MAYBE THE KING DOESN'T HAVE A MONOPOLY ON TRUTH. MAYBE EVERY MAN SHOULD BE JUDGED

MONOPOLY ON TRUTH. MAYBE EVERY MAN SHOULD BE JUDGED BY HIS PEERS.

MAYBE EVERY MAN SHOULD BE JUDGED BY HIS PEERS. A-A JURY OF HIS PEERS.

BY HIS PEERS. A-A JURY OF HIS PEERS. SIX GOOD MEN.

A-A JURY OF HIS PEERS. SIX GOOD MEN. NO, WAIT.

SIX GOOD MEN. NO, WAIT. EIGHT GOOD MEN.

NO, WAIT. EIGHT GOOD MEN. NO!

EIGHT GOOD MEN. NO! 10 GOOD MEN!

NO! 10 GOOD MEN! NO, THAT'S NOT ENOUGH.

10 GOOD MEN! NO, THAT'S NOT ENOUGH. LET'S SEE.

NO, THAT'S NOT ENOUGH. LET'S SEE. 18 GOOD MEN!

LET'S SEE. 18 GOOD MEN! NO, THAT'S TOO MANY.

18 GOOD MEN! NO, THAT'S TOO MANY. LET'S SEE.

NO, THAT'S TOO MANY. LET'S SEE. 11 GOOD MEN!

LET'S SEE. 11 GOOD MEN! WAIT... 13 GOOD MEN!

11 GOOD MEN! WAIT... 13 GOOD MEN! NO. 11 OR 13.

WAIT... 13 GOOD MEN! NO. 11 OR 13. IT REALLY DOESN'T MATTER. OKAY.

NO. 11 OR 13. IT REALLY DOESN'T MATTER. OKAY. BUT EVERY MAN SHOULD BE TRIED BY

IT REALLY DOESN'T MATTER. OKAY. BUT EVERY MAN SHOULD BE TRIED BY A JURY OF HIS PEERS AND BE EQUAL

BUT EVERY MAN SHOULD BE TRIED BY A JURY OF HIS PEERS AND BE EQUAL BEFORE THE LAW.

A JURY OF HIS PEERS AND BE EQUAL BEFORE THE LAW. AND PERHAPS EVERY MAN SHOULD BE

BEFORE THE LAW. AND PERHAPS EVERY MAN SHOULD BE FREE FROM CRUEL AND UNUSUAL

AND PERHAPS EVERY MAN SHOULD BE FREE FROM CRUEL AND UNUSUAL PUNISHMENT.

FREE FROM CRUEL AND UNUSUAL PUNISHMENT. NAH.

PUNISHMENT. NAH. THIS SHIRE COURT STANDS

NAH. THIS SHIRE COURT STANDS ADJOURNED!

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, VAN MORRISON! [APPLAUSE]

VAN MORRISON! [APPLAUSE] ["WAVELENGTH" PLAYS SLOWLY]

[APPLAUSE] ["WAVELENGTH" PLAYS SLOWLY] ♪ THIS IS A SONG ABOUT ♪

["WAVELENGTH" PLAYS SLOWLY] ♪ THIS IS A SONG ABOUT ♪ ♪ YOUR WAVELENGTH AND MY

♪ THIS IS A SONG ABOUT ♪ ♪ YOUR WAVELENGTH AND MY WAVELENGTH, BABY, BABY ♪

♪ WHEN THE HEART IS STRONG ♪ ♪ YOU, YOU, YOU, YOU, YOU, YOU, YOU, YOU, YOU, YOU, YOU ♪

♪ YOU, YOU, YOU, YOU, YOU, YOU, YOU, YOU, YOU, YOU, YOU ♪ ♪ YOU GET ME ON ♪

YOU, YOU, YOU, YOU, YOU ♪ ♪ YOU GET ME ON ♪ ♪ YOU GET ME ON YOUR WAVELENGTH,

♪ YOU GET ME ON ♪ ♪ YOU GET ME ON YOUR WAVELENGTH, BABY ♪

♪ YOU GET ME ON YOUR WAVELENGTH, BABY ♪ ♪ OOH, MAMA, OOH, MAMA ♪

BABY ♪ ♪ OOH, MAMA, OOH, MAMA ♪ ♪ OOH, MAMA, OOH, MAMA ♪

♪ OOH, MAMA, OOH, MAMA ♪ ♪ OOH, MAMA, OOH, MAMA ♪ ♪ OOH, MAMA, OOH, MAMA ♪

♪ OOH, MAMA, OOH, MAMA ♪ ♪ OOH, MAMA, OOH, MAMA ♪ ♪ OOH, MAMA, OOH, MAMA ♪

♪ OOH, MAMA, OOH, MAMA ♪ ♪ OOH, MAMA, OOH, MAMA ♪ ♪ OOH, MAMA, OOH, MAMA ♪

♪ OOH, MAMA, OOH, MAMA ♪ ♪ OOH, MAMA, OOH, MAMA ♪ ♪ OOH, MAMA ♪

♪ OOH, MAMA, OOH, MAMA ♪ ♪ OOH, MAMA ♪ [TEMPO QUICKENS]

♪ WA-A-A-A-A-VELENGTH ♪ ♪ DO-DO-DO ♪ ♪ DO-DO-DO ♪

♪ DO-DO-DO ♪ ♪ DO-DO-DO ♪ ♪ DO-DO-DO ♪

♪ DO-DO-DO ♪ ♪ DO-DO-DO ♪ ♪ MY WA-A-A-A-A-VELENGTH ♪

♪ DO-DO-DO ♪ ♪ MY WA-A-A-A-A-VELENGTH ♪ ♪ SHE'LL NEVER LET ME DOWN ♪

♪ MY WA-A-A-A-A-VELENGTH ♪ ♪ SHE'LL NEVER LET ME DOWN ♪ ♪ NO, NO ♪

♪ SHE'LL NEVER LET ME DOWN ♪ ♪ NO, NO ♪ ♪ SHE'LL NEVER LET ME DOWN ♪

♪ NO, NO ♪ ♪ SHE'LL NEVER LET ME DOWN ♪ ♪ NO, NO ♪

♪ SHE'LL NEVER LET ME DOWN ♪ ♪ NO, NO ♪ ♪ WHEN I'M DOWN, YOU ALWAYS

♪ NO, NO ♪ ♪ WHEN I'M DOWN, YOU ALWAYS COMFORT ME ♪

♪ WHEN I'M DOWN, YOU ALWAYS COMFORT ME ♪ ♪ WHEN I'M LONELY, CHILD, YOU

COMFORT ME ♪ ♪ WHEN I'M LONELY, CHILD, YOU SEE ABOUT ME ♪

♪ WHEN I'M LONELY, CHILD, YOU SEE ABOUT ME ♪ ♪ YOU ARE EVERYWHERE YOU'RE

SEE ABOUT ME ♪ ♪ YOU ARE EVERYWHERE YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE ♪

♪ YOU ARE EVERYWHERE YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE ♪ ♪ AND I CAN GET YOUR STATION

SUPPOSED TO BE ♪ ♪ AND I CAN GET YOUR STATION WHEN I NEED REJUVENATION ♪

♪ AND I CAN GET YOUR STATION WHEN I NEED REJUVENATION ♪ ♪ MY WA-A-A-A-A-VELENGTH ♪

WHEN I NEED REJUVENATION ♪ ♪ MY WA-A-A-A-A-VELENGTH ♪ ♪ DO-DO-DO ♪

♪ MY WA-A-A-A-A-VELENGTH ♪ ♪ DO-DO-DO ♪ ♪ DO-DO-DO ♪

♪ DO-DO-DO ♪ ♪ DO-DO-DO ♪ ♪ DO-DO-DO ♪

♪ DO-DO-DO ♪ ♪ DO-DO-DO ♪ ♪ MY WA-A-A-A-A-VELENGTH ♪

♪ DO-DO-DO ♪ ♪ MY WA-A-A-A-A-VELENGTH ♪ ♪ SHE'LL NEVER LET ME DOWN ♪

♪ MY WA-A-A-A-A-VELENGTH ♪ ♪ SHE'LL NEVER LET ME DOWN ♪ ♪ NO, NO ♪

♪ SHE'LL NEVER LET ME DOWN ♪ ♪ NO, NO ♪ ♪ SHE'LL NEVER LET ME DOWN ♪

♪ NO, NO ♪ ♪ SHE'LL NEVER LET ME DOWN ♪ ♪ NO, NO ♪

♪ SHE'LL NEVER LET ME DOWN ♪ ♪ NO, NO ♪ ALL RIGHT!

♪ NO, NO ♪ ALL RIGHT! [GUITAR SOLO]

♪ I HEARD THE VOICE OF AMERICA CALLIN' ON MY WAVELENGTH ♪ ♪ MAN, IT WAS COMIN' OUT OF

CALLIN' ON MY WAVELENGTH ♪ ♪ MAN, IT WAS COMIN' OUT OF FRANKFURT AND MAINE ♪

♪ MAN, IT WAS COMIN' OUT OF FRANKFURT AND MAINE ♪ ♪ I HEARD THE VOICE OF AMERICA

FRANKFURT AND MAINE ♪ ♪ I HEARD THE VOICE OF AMERICA CALLIN' ON MY WAVELENGTH ♪

♪ I HEARD THE VOICE OF AMERICA CALLIN' ON MY WAVELENGTH ♪ ♪ SINGIN' "COME BACK, BABY, COME

CALLIN' ON MY WAVELENGTH ♪ ♪ SINGIN' "COME BACK, BABY, COME BACK ♪

♪ SINGIN' "COME BACK, BABY, COME BACK ♪ ♪ COME BACK, BABY, COME BACK" ♪

BACK ♪ ♪ COME BACK, BABY, COME BACK" ♪ ♪ DO-DO DO-DO-DO ♪

♪ COME BACK, BABY, COME BACK" ♪ ♪ DO-DO DO-DO-DO ♪ ♪ DO-DO-DO DO-DO-DO-DO ♪

♪ DO-DO DO-DO-DO ♪ ♪ DO-DO-DO DO-DO-DO-DO ♪ ♪ DO-DO DO-DO-DO ♪

♪ DO-DO-DO DO-DO-DO-DO ♪ ♪ DO-DO DO-DO-DO ♪ ♪ DO-DO-DO DO-DO-DO-DO ♪

♪ DO-DO DO-DO-DO ♪ ♪ DO-DO-DO DO-DO-DO-DO ♪ ♪ DO-DO DO-DO-DO ♪

♪ DO-DO-DO DO-DO-DO-DO ♪ ♪ DO-DO DO-DO-DO ♪ ♪ DO-DO-DO DO-DO-DO-DO ♪

♪ DO-DO DO-DO-DO ♪ ♪ DO-DO-DO DO-DO-DO-DO ♪ ♪ DO-DO DO-DO-DO ♪

♪ DO-DO-DO DO-DO-DO-DO ♪ ♪ DO-DO DO-DO-DO ♪ ♪ DO-DO DO-DO-DO-DO ♪

♪ DO-DO DO-DO-DO ♪ ♪ DO-DO DO-DO-DO-DO ♪ ♪ WON'T YOU SING THAT SONG

♪ DO-DO DO-DO-DO-DO ♪ ♪ WON'T YOU SING THAT SONG AGAIN FOR ME ♪

♪ WON'T YOU SING THAT SONG AGAIN FOR ME ♪ ♪ ABOUT MY LOVER, MY LOVER IN

AGAIN FOR ME ♪ ♪ ABOUT MY LOVER, MY LOVER IN THE GRASS, ALL RIGHT ♪

♪ ABOUT MY LOVER, MY LOVER IN THE GRASS, ALL RIGHT ♪ ♪ BABY, YOU, YOU HAVE TOLD ME

THE GRASS, ALL RIGHT ♪ ♪ BABY, YOU, YOU HAVE TOLD ME ABOUT MY DESTINY ♪

♪ BABY, YOU, YOU HAVE TOLD ME ABOUT MY DESTINY ♪ ♪ SINGIN' "COME BACK, BABY, COME

ABOUT MY DESTINY ♪ ♪ SINGIN' "COME BACK, BABY, COME BACK ♪

♪ SINGIN' "COME BACK, BABY, COME BACK ♪ ♪ COME BACK, BABY, COME BACK" ♪

BACK ♪ ♪ COME BACK, BABY, COME BACK" ♪ ♪ MY WA-A-A-A-A-VELENGTH ♪

♪ COME BACK, BABY, COME BACK" ♪ ♪ MY WA-A-A-A-A-VELENGTH ♪ ♪ DO-DO-DO ♪

♪ MY WA-A-A-A-A-VELENGTH ♪ ♪ DO-DO-DO ♪ ♪ DO-DO-DO ♪

♪ DO-DO-DO ♪ ♪ DO-DO-DO ♪ ♪ DO DO ♪

♪ DO-DO-DO ♪ ♪ DO DO ♪ ♪ MY WA-A-A-A-A-VELENGTH ♪

♪ DO DO ♪ ♪ MY WA-A-A-A-A-VELENGTH ♪ ♪ DO-DO-DO ♪

♪ MY WA-A-A-A-A-VELENGTH ♪ ♪ DO-DO-DO ♪ ♪ DO DO ♪

♪ DO-DO-DO ♪ ♪ DO DO ♪ ♪ YOU NEVER LET ME DOWN ♪

♪ DO DO ♪ ♪ YOU NEVER LET ME DOWN ♪ ♪ NO, NO ♪

♪ YOU NEVER LET ME DOWN ♪ ♪ NO, NO ♪ ♪ SHE NEVER LET ME DOWN ♪

♪ NO, NO ♪ ♪ SHE NEVER LET ME DOWN ♪ ♪ NO, NO ♪

♪ SHE NEVER LET ME DOWN ♪ ♪ NO, NO ♪ ♪ SHE NEVER LET ME DOWN ♪

♪ NO, NO ♪ ♪ SHE NEVER LET ME DOWN ♪ ♪ NO, NO ♪

♪ SHE NEVER LET ME DOWN ♪ ♪ NO, NO ♪ WAIT A MINUTE.

♪ NO, NO ♪ WAIT A MINUTE. ♪ DO-DO DO-DO-DO ♪

WAIT A MINUTE. ♪ DO-DO DO-DO-DO ♪ ♪ SHE NEVER LET ME DOWN ♪

♪ DO-DO DO-DO-DO ♪ ♪ SHE NEVER LET ME DOWN ♪ ♪ WOULD YOU GET ME ON ♪

♪ SHE NEVER LET ME DOWN ♪ ♪ WOULD YOU GET ME ON ♪ ♪ GET ME ON YOUR WAVELENGTH? ♪

♪ WOULD YOU GET ME ON ♪ ♪ GET ME ON YOUR WAVELENGTH? ♪ ♪ AND I'LL SAY ♪

♪ GET ME ON YOUR WAVELENGTH? ♪ ♪ AND I'LL SAY ♪ ♪ OOH, MAMA, OOH, MAMA ♪

♪ AND I'LL SAY ♪ ♪ OOH, MAMA, OOH, MAMA ♪ ♪ OOH, MAMA, OOH, MAMA ♪

♪ OOH, MAMA, OOH, MAMA ♪ ♪ OOH, MAMA, OOH, MAMA ♪ ♪ OOH, MAMA, OOH, MAMA ♪

♪ OOH, MAMA, OOH, MAMA ♪ ♪ OOH, MAMA, OOH, MAMA ♪ ♪ OOH, MAMA, OOH, MAMA ♪

♪ OOH, MAMA, OOH, MAMA ♪ ♪ OOH, MAMA, OOH, MAMA ♪ ♪ OOH, MAMA, OOH, MAMA ♪

♪ OOH, MAMA, OOH, MAMA ♪ ♪ OOH, MAMA, OOH, MAMA ♪ ♪ OOH, MAMA, OOH, MAMA ♪

♪ OOH, MAMA, OOH, MAMA ♪ ♪ OOH, MAMA, OOH, MAMA ♪ ♪ OOH, MAMA, OOH, MAMA ♪

♪ OOH, MAMA, OOH, MAMA ♪ ♪ OOH, MAMA, OOH, MAMA ♪ ♪ DO-DO DO-DO-DO ♪

♪ OOH, MAMA, OOH, MAMA ♪ ♪ DO-DO DO-DO-DO ♪ ♪ SHE'LL NEVER LET ME DOWN ♪

♪ DO-DO DO-DO-DO ♪ ♪ SHE'LL NEVER LET ME DOWN ♪ ♪ WHEN SHE GETS ME ON ♪

♪ SHE'LL NEVER LET ME DOWN ♪ ♪ WHEN SHE GETS ME ON ♪ ♪ YOU GET ME ON YOUR

♪ WHEN SHE GETS ME ON ♪ ♪ YOU GET ME ON YOUR WAVELENGTH ♪

♪ YOU GET ME ON YOUR WAVELENGTH ♪ ♪ YOU GET ME ON ♪

WAVELENGTH ♪ ♪ YOU GET ME ON ♪ ♪ YOU GET ME ON YOUR

♪ YOU GET ME ON ♪ ♪ YOU GET ME ON YOUR WAVELENGTH, BABY ♪

♪ YOU GET ME ON YOUR WAVELENGTH, BABY ♪ ♪ WAVELENGTH, WAVELENGTH ♪

WAVELENGTH, BABY ♪ ♪ WAVELENGTH, WAVELENGTH ♪ ♪ GET ME ON YOUR WAVELENGTH ♪

♪ WAVELENGTH, WAVELENGTH ♪ ♪ GET ME ON YOUR WAVELENGTH ♪ ♪ GET ME ON YOUR WAVELENGTH ♪

♪ GET ME ON YOUR WAVELENGTH ♪ ♪ GET ME ON YOUR WAVELENGTH ♪ ♪ GET ME ♪

♪ GET ME ON YOUR WAVELENGTH ♪ ♪ GET ME ♪ ♪ DO-DO-DO DO-DO-DO ♪

♪ GET ME ♪ ♪ DO-DO-DO DO-DO-DO ♪ ♪ DO-DO-DO DO-DO ♪

♪ DO-DO-DO DO-DO-DO ♪ ♪ DO-DO-DO DO-DO ♪ ♪ DO-DO-DO DO-DO-DO ♪

♪ DO-DO-DO DO-DO ♪ ♪ DO-DO-DO DO-DO-DO ♪ ♪ DO-DO-DO DO-DO ♪

♪ DO-DO-DO DO-DO-DO ♪ ♪ DO-DO-DO DO-DO ♪ ♪ DO-DO-DO DO-DO-DO ♪

♪ DO-DO-DO DO-DO ♪ ♪ DO-DO-DO DO-DO-DO ♪ ♪ DO-DO-DO DO-DO ♪

♪ DO-DO-DO DO-DO-DO ♪ ♪ DO-DO-DO DO-DO ♪ ♪ DO-DO-DO DO-DO-DO ♪

[SONG ENDS] [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

THE SURGEON GENERAL ANNOUNCES A NEW ASIAN FLU SHOT. THIS STORY AND MORE ON

A NEW ASIAN FLU SHOT. THIS STORY AND MORE ON "WEEKEND UPDATE."

THIS STORY AND MORE ON "WEEKEND UPDATE." Announcer: AND NOW

"WEEKEND UPDATE." Announcer: AND NOW "WEEKEND UPDATE," WITH THE

Announcer: AND NOW "WEEKEND UPDATE," WITH THE "WEEKEND UPDATE" NEWS TEAM.

"WEEKEND UPDATE," WITH THE "WEEKEND UPDATE" NEWS TEAM. BROUGHT TO YOU BY

"WEEKEND UPDATE" NEWS TEAM. BROUGHT TO YOU BY COLONEL LINGUS, THE

BROUGHT TO YOU BY COLONEL LINGUS, THE SOUTHERN-FRIED CHICKEN THAT

COLONEL LINGUS, THE SOUTHERN-FRIED CHICKEN THAT TAKES A LICKIN'.

SOUTHERN-FRIED CHICKEN THAT TAKES A LICKIN'. HERE ARE BILL MURRAY AND

TAKES A LICKIN'. HERE ARE BILL MURRAY AND JANE CURTIN.

HERE ARE BILL MURRAY AND JANE CURTIN. GOOD EVENING.

JANE CURTIN. GOOD EVENING. I'M JANE CURTIN.

GOOD EVENING. I'M JANE CURTIN. HERE NOW THE NEWS.

I'M JANE CURTIN. HERE NOW THE NEWS. OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT...

HERE NOW THE NEWS. OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT... POPE JOHN PAUL II IS STILL

OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT... POPE JOHN PAUL II IS STILL ALIVE.

POPE JOHN PAUL II IS STILL ALIVE. WELL, 200-POUND PRESIDENT

ALIVE. WELL, 200-POUND PRESIDENT IDI AMIN OF UGANDA HAS

WELL, 200-POUND PRESIDENT IDI AMIN OF UGANDA HAS CHALLENGED TANZANIA'S

IDI AMIN OF UGANDA HAS CHALLENGED TANZANIA'S 65-YEAR-OLD PRESIDENT

CHALLENGED TANZANIA'S 65-YEAR-OLD PRESIDENT JULIUS NYERERE TO A BOXING MATCH

65-YEAR-OLD PRESIDENT JULIUS NYERERE TO A BOXING MATCH TO SETTLE THEIR TWO COUNTRIES'

JULIUS NYERERE TO A BOXING MATCH TO SETTLE THEIR TWO COUNTRIES' BORDER DISPUTE.

TO SETTLE THEIR TWO COUNTRIES' BORDER DISPUTE. WELL, AMIN MAY HAVE STARTED

BORDER DISPUTE. WELL, AMIN MAY HAVE STARTED SOMETHING, BECAUSE P.L.O. CHIEF

WELL, AMIN MAY HAVE STARTED SOMETHING, BECAUSE P.L.O. CHIEF YASSER ARAFAT HAS CHALLENGED

SOMETHING, BECAUSE P.L.O. CHIEF YASSER ARAFAT HAS CHALLENGED ISRAELI PRESIDENT MENACHEM BEGIN

YASSER ARAFAT HAS CHALLENGED ISRAELI PRESIDENT MENACHEM BEGIN TO ANOTHER SPORTING CONTEST.

ISRAELI PRESIDENT MENACHEM BEGIN TO ANOTHER SPORTING CONTEST. ARAFAT SUGGESTED THAT HE AND

TO ANOTHER SPORTING CONTEST. ARAFAT SUGGESTED THAT HE AND BEGIN SETTLE THE DISPUTE OVER

ARAFAT SUGGESTED THAT HE AND BEGIN SETTLE THE DISPUTE OVER THE WEST BANK BY SEEING WHO CAN

BEGIN SETTLE THE DISPUTE OVER THE WEST BANK BY SEEING WHO CAN GO THE LONGEST WITHOUT WASHING.

THE WEST BANK BY SEEING WHO CAN GO THE LONGEST WITHOUT WASHING. NOW HERE'S AN "UPDATE" FEATURE

GO THE LONGEST WITHOUT WASHING. NOW HERE'S AN "UPDATE" FEATURE THAT I REALLY GET A KICK OUT OF,

NOW HERE'S AN "UPDATE" FEATURE THAT I REALLY GET A KICK OUT OF, A LITTLE THING I LIKE TO CALL MY

THAT I REALLY GET A KICK OUT OF, A LITTLE THING I LIKE TO CALL MY "CELEBRITY CORNER," AND WELCOME

A LITTLE THING I LIKE TO CALL MY "CELEBRITY CORNER," AND WELCOME TO IT.

"CELEBRITY CORNER," AND WELCOME TO IT. WELL, THERE'S A NEW BLOCKBUSTER

TO IT. WELL, THERE'S A NEW BLOCKBUSTER MOVIE OUT.

WELL, THERE'S A NEW BLOCKBUSTER MOVIE OUT. IT'S A MONSTER. IT'S HUGE.

MOVIE OUT. IT'S A MONSTER. IT'S HUGE. IT'S "THE WIZ," AND I DON'T CARE

IT'S A MONSTER. IT'S HUGE. IT'S "THE WIZ," AND I DON'T CARE IF YOU'RE BLACK, YOU'RE WHITE,

IT'S "THE WIZ," AND I DON'T CARE IF YOU'RE BLACK, YOU'RE WHITE, OR YOU'RE PURPLE.

IF YOU'RE BLACK, YOU'RE WHITE, OR YOU'RE PURPLE. YOU'RE GONNA LOVE "THE WIZ", AND

OR YOU'RE PURPLE. YOU'RE GONNA LOVE "THE WIZ", AND ESPECIALLY ITS STAR, THE GIRL

YOU'RE GONNA LOVE "THE WIZ", AND ESPECIALLY ITS STAR, THE GIRL WHO PUTS THE FIZZ IN "THE WIZ,"

ESPECIALLY ITS STAR, THE GIRL WHO PUTS THE FIZZ IN "THE WIZ," MISS DIANA ROSS.

WHO PUTS THE FIZZ IN "THE WIZ," MISS DIANA ROSS. HEY.

MISS DIANA ROSS. HEY. WHO WANTS THAT WOMAN WITH THE

HEY. WHO WANTS THAT WOMAN WITH THE SKINNY LEGS?

WHO WANTS THAT WOMAN WITH THE SKINNY LEGS? WHO WANTS THAT WOMAN WITH THE

SKINNY LEGS? WHO WANTS THAT WOMAN WITH THE SKINNY LEGS?

WHO WANTS THAT WOMAN WITH THE SKINNY LEGS? I KNOW I DO.

SKINNY LEGS? I KNOW I DO. YOU LOOK BEAUTIFUL TONIGHT, DI.

I KNOW I DO. YOU LOOK BEAUTIFUL TONIGHT, DI. THANK YOU, BILL.

YOU LOOK BEAUTIFUL TONIGHT, DI. THANK YOU, BILL. I'D LOVE TO TAKE A TUMBLE IN THE

THANK YOU, BILL. I'D LOVE TO TAKE A TUMBLE IN THE HAY WITH YOU, TOO.

I'D LOVE TO TAKE A TUMBLE IN THE HAY WITH YOU, TOO. WELL, THANK YOU, DIANA.

HAY WITH YOU, TOO. WELL, THANK YOU, DIANA. THAT'S VERY KIND.

WELL, THANK YOU, DIANA. THAT'S VERY KIND. YOU KNOW, IF YOU'D TOLD ME FIVE

THAT'S VERY KIND. YOU KNOW, IF YOU'D TOLD ME FIVE YEARS AGO THAT THE PART OF

YOU KNOW, IF YOU'D TOLD ME FIVE YEARS AGO THAT THE PART OF DOROTHY WOULD BE PLAYED BY A

YEARS AGO THAT THE PART OF DOROTHY WOULD BE PLAYED BY A MATURE BLACK WOMAN, LET ALONE A

DOROTHY WOULD BE PLAYED BY A MATURE BLACK WOMAN, LET ALONE A FORMER SUPREME, I WOULDN'T HAVE

MATURE BLACK WOMAN, LET ALONE A FORMER SUPREME, I WOULDN'T HAVE BELIEVED IT.

FORMER SUPREME, I WOULDN'T HAVE BELIEVED IT. WELL, ME NEITHER, BILL.

BELIEVED IT. WELL, ME NEITHER, BILL. BUT WHEN THEY OFFERED ME THE

WELL, ME NEITHER, BILL. BUT WHEN THEY OFFERED ME THE MONEY, CHILD, I BELIEVED.

BUT WHEN THEY OFFERED ME THE MONEY, CHILD, I BELIEVED. I BELIEVED.

MONEY, CHILD, I BELIEVED. I BELIEVED. OKAY, A LITTLE CONSTRUCTIVE

I BELIEVED. OKAY, A LITTLE CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM, IF YOU CAN TAKE IT...

OKAY, A LITTLE CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM, IF YOU CAN TAKE IT... AND THE REALLY BIG STARS CAN,

CRITICISM, IF YOU CAN TAKE IT... AND THE REALLY BIG STARS CAN, WHICH IS GREAT.

AND THE REALLY BIG STARS CAN, WHICH IS GREAT. IN "THE WIZ," YOU KEPT WHINING,

WHICH IS GREAT. IN "THE WIZ," YOU KEPT WHINING, "I WANT TO GO HOME, I WANT TO GO

IN "THE WIZ," YOU KEPT WHINING, "I WANT TO GO HOME, I WANT TO GO HOME."

"I WANT TO GO HOME, I WANT TO GO HOME." I DON'T GET IT.

HOME." I DON'T GET IT. WHY DID YOU WANT TO GO BACK TO

I DON'T GET IT. WHY DID YOU WANT TO GO BACK TO HARLEM?

WHY DID YOU WANT TO GO BACK TO HARLEM? I MEAN, NO OFFENSE, BUT I FIND

HARLEM? I MEAN, NO OFFENSE, BUT I FIND HARLEM DEPRESSING.

I MEAN, NO OFFENSE, BUT I FIND HARLEM DEPRESSING. EVERYBODY'S INCREDIBLY POOR.

HARLEM DEPRESSING. EVERYBODY'S INCREDIBLY POOR. I MEAN, THE DRUGS ARE VERY

EVERYBODY'S INCREDIBLY POOR. I MEAN, THE DRUGS ARE VERY EXPENSIVE.

I MEAN, THE DRUGS ARE VERY EXPENSIVE. I ALWAYS GET RIPPED OFF EVERY

EXPENSIVE. I ALWAYS GET RIPPED OFF EVERY TIME I GO THERE.

I ALWAYS GET RIPPED OFF EVERY TIME I GO THERE. WELL, WE HAVE A SAYING UP

TIME I GO THERE. WELL, WE HAVE A SAYING UP THERE, BILL.

WELL, WE HAVE A SAYING UP THERE, BILL. "CAVEAT HONKY."

THERE, BILL. "CAVEAT HONKY." "LET THE HONKY BEWARE."

"CAVEAT HONKY." "LET THE HONKY BEWARE." TELL ME, WHAT WAS IT LIKE

"LET THE HONKY BEWARE." TELL ME, WHAT WAS IT LIKE DATING DAVID FROST?

TELL ME, WHAT WAS IT LIKE DATING DAVID FROST? I MEAN, IS HE A SNOB OR WHAT?

DATING DAVID FROST? I MEAN, IS HE A SNOB OR WHAT? YOU WERE ENGAGED TO HIM AT ONE

I MEAN, IS HE A SNOB OR WHAT? YOU WERE ENGAGED TO HIM AT ONE TIME, I KNOW, AND...

YOU WERE ENGAGED TO HIM AT ONE TIME, I KNOW, AND... UH, BILL, YOU'VE GOT ME

TIME, I KNOW, AND... UH, BILL, YOU'VE GOT ME CONFUSED WITH DIAHANN CARROLL.

UH, BILL, YOU'VE GOT ME CONFUSED WITH DIAHANN CARROLL. GEE, THAT'S RIGHT. SORRY.

CONFUSED WITH DIAHANN CARROLL. GEE, THAT'S RIGHT. SORRY. UH...

GEE, THAT'S RIGHT. SORRY. UH... YOU KNOW, I HATED HER SERIES,

UH... YOU KNOW, I HATED HER SERIES, "JULIA," DIDN'T YOU?

YOU KNOW, I HATED HER SERIES, "JULIA," DIDN'T YOU? YOU KNOW, DIANA, I HAVE SEEN THE

"JULIA," DIDN'T YOU? YOU KNOW, DIANA, I HAVE SEEN THE "WIZARD OF OZ" SO MANY TIMES.

YOU KNOW, DIANA, I HAVE SEEN THE "WIZARD OF OZ" SO MANY TIMES. I STILL WATCH IT EVERY YEAR.

"WIZARD OF OZ" SO MANY TIMES. I STILL WATCH IT EVERY YEAR. AND EVERY YEAR, IT STILL TEARS

I STILL WATCH IT EVERY YEAR. AND EVERY YEAR, IT STILL TEARS ME UP.

AND EVERY YEAR, IT STILL TEARS ME UP. NOW, I KNOW IT ISN'T IN YOUR

ME UP. NOW, I KNOW IT ISN'T IN YOUR VERSION, BUT, DIANA, WOULD YOU

NOW, I KNOW IT ISN'T IN YOUR VERSION, BUT, DIANA, WOULD YOU DO A FRIEND A FAVOR AND SING

VERSION, BUT, DIANA, WOULD YOU DO A FRIEND A FAVOR AND SING "SOMEWHERE OVER THE RAINBOW"?

DO A FRIEND A FAVOR AND SING "SOMEWHERE OVER THE RAINBOW"? UH, WELL, I-I DON'T KNOW.

"SOMEWHERE OVER THE RAINBOW"? UH, WELL, I-I DON'T KNOW. I-I DON'T THINK MY PRODUCERS

UH, WELL, I-I DON'T KNOW. I-I DON'T THINK MY PRODUCERS WOULD LIKE THAT, BILL.

I-I DON'T THINK MY PRODUCERS WOULD LIKE THAT, BILL. DIANA, I WILL GET DOWN ON MY

WOULD LIKE THAT, BILL. DIANA, I WILL GET DOWN ON MY KNEES FOR YOU.

DIANA, I WILL GET DOWN ON MY KNEES FOR YOU. YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

KNEES FOR YOU. YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING? PLEASE.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING? PLEASE. JUST OPEN THOSE PIPES AND LET

PLEASE. JUST OPEN THOSE PIPES AND LET OUT THAT BUBBLING BROWN SUGAR,

JUST OPEN THOSE PIPES AND LET OUT THAT BUBBLING BROWN SUGAR, WOULD YOU, HONEY, JUST FOR US?

OUT THAT BUBBLING BROWN SUGAR, WOULD YOU, HONEY, JUST FOR US? [CLEARS THROAT]

WOULD YOU, HONEY, JUST FOR US? [CLEARS THROAT] ♪ SOMEWHERE OVER THE RAINBOW ♪

[CLEARS THROAT] ♪ SOMEWHERE OVER THE RAINBOW ♪ ♪ BLUEBIRDS FLY ♪

♪ SOMEWHERE OVER THE RAINBOW ♪ ♪ BLUEBIRDS FLY ♪ [SNIFFLES]

♪ BLUEBIRDS FLY ♪ [SNIFFLES] ♪ BIRDS FLY OVER THE

[SNIFFLES] ♪ BIRDS FLY OVER THE RAINBOW ♪

♪ BIRDS FLY OVER THE RAINBOW ♪ Both: ♪ THEN WHY, OH, WHY

RAINBOW ♪ Both: ♪ THEN WHY, OH, WHY CAN'T I? ♪

Both: ♪ THEN WHY, OH, WHY CAN'T I? ♪ [APPLAUSE]

THANK YOU, DIANA. YOU'RE A BEAUTIFUL DOROTHY. THANK YOU, TOO, BILL.

YOU'RE A BEAUTIFUL DOROTHY. THANK YOU, TOO, BILL. AND I OWE YOU ONE.

THANK YOU, TOO, BILL. AND I OWE YOU ONE. [CHUCKLES]

AND I OWE YOU ONE. [CHUCKLES] A TOUCHING SEGMENT THIS WEEK ON

[CHUCKLES] A TOUCHING SEGMENT THIS WEEK ON "CELEBRITY CORNER."

A TOUCHING SEGMENT THIS WEEK ON "CELEBRITY CORNER." BACK TO YOU, JANE.

"CELEBRITY CORNER." BACK TO YOU, JANE. [SNIFFLES]

EXPERIMENTS AT THE NATIONAL DRUG CONTROL CENTER IN ATLANTA THIS WEEK SHOWED THAT WHITE MICE

DRUG CONTROL CENTER IN ATLANTA THIS WEEK SHOWED THAT WHITE MICE WHO WERE GIVEN ANGEL DUST WERE

THIS WEEK SHOWED THAT WHITE MICE WHO WERE GIVEN ANGEL DUST WERE ARRESTED AND BOOKED FOR

WHO WERE GIVEN ANGEL DUST WERE ARRESTED AND BOOKED FOR POSSESSION TWICE AS MANY TIMES

ARRESTED AND BOOKED FOR POSSESSION TWICE AS MANY TIMES AS MICE WHO WERE GIVEN A

POSSESSION TWICE AS MANY TIMES AS MICE WHO WERE GIVEN A HARMLESS SUBSTITUTE.

AS MICE WHO WERE GIVEN A HARMLESS SUBSTITUTE. AT A JOINT CONVENTION IN

HARMLESS SUBSTITUTE. AT A JOINT CONVENTION IN CHICAGO THIS WEEK, THE

AT A JOINT CONVENTION IN CHICAGO THIS WEEK, THE PLANNED PARENTHOOD ASSOCIATION

CHICAGO THIS WEEK, THE PLANNED PARENTHOOD ASSOCIATION AND THE ZERO POPULATION GROWTH

PLANNED PARENTHOOD ASSOCIATION AND THE ZERO POPULATION GROWTH COMMITTEE MET AND COMPLETELY

AND THE ZERO POPULATION GROWTH COMMITTEE MET AND COMPLETELY DISAPPEARED.

COMMITTEE MET AND COMPLETELY DISAPPEARED. WELL, ONE OF THE BIG

DISAPPEARED. WELL, ONE OF THE BIG HARD-NEWS STORIES THIS WEEK IS

WELL, ONE OF THE BIG HARD-NEWS STORIES THIS WEEK IS IRAN.

HARD-NEWS STORIES THIS WEEK IS IRAN. EVERYONE SEEMS TO HATE THE SHAH,

IRAN. EVERYONE SEEMS TO HATE THE SHAH, AND WITH GOOD REASON, IT

EVERYONE SEEMS TO HATE THE SHAH, AND WITH GOOD REASON, IT APPEARS.

AND WITH GOOD REASON, IT APPEARS. AMNESTY INTERNATIONAL SAID HE IS

APPEARS. AMNESTY INTERNATIONAL SAID HE IS THE WORLD'S WORST HUMAN-RIGHTS

AMNESTY INTERNATIONAL SAID HE IS THE WORLD'S WORST HUMAN-RIGHTS OFFENDER.

THE WORLD'S WORST HUMAN-RIGHTS OFFENDER. 1,000 PEOPLE HAVE BEEN KILLED

OFFENDER. 1,000 PEOPLE HAVE BEEN KILLED THERE THIS MONTH, AND ONE THING

1,000 PEOPLE HAVE BEEN KILLED THERE THIS MONTH, AND ONE THING ABOUT THAT... YOU CANNOT REPLACE

THERE THIS MONTH, AND ONE THING ABOUT THAT... YOU CANNOT REPLACE PEOPLE.

ABOUT THAT... YOU CANNOT REPLACE PEOPLE. OUCH.

PEOPLE. OUCH. NOW, I HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY

OUCH. NOW, I HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY ABOUT HIS SHAHNESS, AND I WILL

NOW, I HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY ABOUT HIS SHAHNESS, AND I WILL NOT BE SILENCED.

ABOUT HIS SHAHNESS, AND I WILL NOT BE SILENCED. [Middle Eastern accent] THE

NOT BE SILENCED. [Middle Eastern accent] THE SHAH IS A U.S. PUPPET!

[Middle Eastern accent] THE SHAH IS A U.S. PUPPET! DOWN WITH THE SHAH!

SHAH IS A U.S. PUPPET! DOWN WITH THE SHAH! HE TRADES IRAN'S OIL FOR GUNS

DOWN WITH THE SHAH! HE TRADES IRAN'S OIL FOR GUNS AND FIGHTER PLANES!

HE TRADES IRAN'S OIL FOR GUNS AND FIGHTER PLANES! TO SPEAK AGAINST THE SHAH IS TO

AND FIGHTER PLANES! TO SPEAK AGAINST THE SHAH IS TO RISK YOUR LIFE!

TO SPEAK AGAINST THE SHAH IS TO RISK YOUR LIFE! HIS SECRET POLICE ARE

RISK YOUR LIFE! HIS SECRET POLICE ARE EVERYWHERE!

HIS SECRET POLICE ARE EVERYWHERE! THEY IMPRISON AND TORTURE YOU!

EVERYWHERE! THEY IMPRISON AND TORTURE YOU! IT'S WORSE THAN

THEY IMPRISON AND TORTURE YOU! IT'S WORSE THAN "MIDNIGHT EXPRESS"!

IT'S WORSE THAN "MIDNIGHT EXPRESS"! AND IF YOU DON'T BELIEVE IT, YOU

"MIDNIGHT EXPRESS"! AND IF YOU DON'T BELIEVE IT, YOU ARE A FASCIST KNUCKLEHEAD!

AND IF YOU DON'T BELIEVE IT, YOU ARE A FASCIST KNUCKLEHEAD! NOW, THE U.S., YOU GET OUT OF

ARE A FASCIST KNUCKLEHEAD! NOW, THE U.S., YOU GET OUT OF IRAN, AND I MEAN IT, YOU

NOW, THE U.S., YOU GET OUT OF IRAN, AND I MEAN IT, YOU KNUCKLEHEADS!

IRAN, AND I MEAN IT, YOU KNUCKLEHEADS! BACK TO YOU, JANE.

ACCORDING TO A REPORT RELEASED THIS WEEK BY THE DEPARTMENT OF HEALTH, EDUCATION,

RELEASED THIS WEEK BY THE DEPARTMENT OF HEALTH, EDUCATION, AND WELFARE, 13% OF ALL AMERICAN

DEPARTMENT OF HEALTH, EDUCATION, AND WELFARE, 13% OF ALL AMERICAN ADULTS ARE FUNCTIONALLY

AND WELFARE, 13% OF ALL AMERICAN ADULTS ARE FUNCTIONALLY ILLITERATE.

ADULTS ARE FUNCTIONALLY ILLITERATE. FUNCTIONAL ILLITERACY PREVENTS

ILLITERATE. FUNCTIONAL ILLITERACY PREVENTS THESE PEOPLE FROM HOLDING ANY

FUNCTIONAL ILLITERACY PREVENTS THESE PEOPLE FROM HOLDING ANY JOB WHICH REQUIRES ANY KIND OF

THESE PEOPLE FROM HOLDING ANY JOB WHICH REQUIRES ANY KIND OF READING OR WRITING AND ALSO

JOB WHICH REQUIRES ANY KIND OF READING OR WRITING AND ALSO HINDERS THEIR NORMAL ACTIVITIES,

READING OR WRITING AND ALSO HINDERS THEIR NORMAL ACTIVITIES, SUCH AS DRIVING OR ORDERING IN

HINDERS THEIR NORMAL ACTIVITIES, SUCH AS DRIVING OR ORDERING IN RESTAURANTS.

SUCH AS DRIVING OR ORDERING IN RESTAURANTS. NOW, THIS IS THE SUBJECT OF

RESTAURANTS. NOW, THIS IS THE SUBJECT OF TONIGHT'S COMMENTARY.

NOW, THIS IS THE SUBJECT OF TONIGHT'S COMMENTARY. THE BIGGEST PROBLEM OF

TONIGHT'S COMMENTARY. THE BIGGEST PROBLEM OF ILLITERACY IS ONE OF

THE BIGGEST PROBLEM OF ILLITERACY IS ONE OF IDENTIFICATION.

ILLITERACY IS ONE OF IDENTIFICATION. ILLITERATES ARE ASHAMED AND LIVE

IDENTIFICATION. ILLITERATES ARE ASHAMED AND LIVE IN FEAR THAT SOMEONE WILL

ILLITERATES ARE ASHAMED AND LIVE IN FEAR THAT SOMEONE WILL DISCOVER THEIR SECRET.

THE SAD FACT IS THAT THESE

PEOPLE ARE TRAGIC VICTIMS OF OUR

EDUCATIONAL SYSTEM, WHICH

PROMOTES SLOWER STUDENTS TO A

HIGHER GRADE RATHER THAN DEALING

WITH THE PROBLEM AT HAND.

IF THE ROLE OF THE EDUCATIONAL

SYSTEM WAS BETTER UNDERSTOOD,

ILLITERACY WOULD NOT CARRY THE

STIGMA WHICH PREVENTS PEOPLE

FROM ADMITTING THAT THEY SIMPLY

CANNOT READ.

REMEDIAL PROGRAMS HAVE SHOWN TO

BE EFFECTIVE EVEN WITH THOSE WHO

HAVE BUT SCANT FORMAL EDUCATION.

OTHER CIVILIZATIONS...

SWITZERLAND AND THE SOVIET UNION

IN PARTICULAR... HAVE MADE

ENORMOUS STRIDES AGAINST THIS

SOCIAL EPIDEMIC, WHILE THE

UNITED STATES, AS DEVELOPED AS

WE ARE, FALLS DISGRACEFULLY

BEHIND.

THE ILLITERACY PROBLEM CAN BE

SOLVED, BUT FIRST WE MUST ADMIT

THAT IT EXISTS AND THEN ATTACK

IT SQUARELY AND FORTHRIGHTLY.

THANK YOU.

AND NOW HERE WITH HIS VIEW ON

THE UPCOMING ELECTION IS

"WEEKEND UPDATE'S" POLITICAL

ANALYST, JOHN BELUSHI.

JOHN.

THANK YOU, JANE.

HOW YOU DOING?

THANK YOU VERY MUCH. YOU KNOW, ON TUESDAY, WE ALL HAVE AN OPPORTUNITY THAT DOESN'T

YOU KNOW, ON TUESDAY, WE ALL HAVE AN OPPORTUNITY THAT DOESN'T COME AROUND VERY OFTEN.

HAVE AN OPPORTUNITY THAT DOESN'T COME AROUND VERY OFTEN. I'M TALKING, OF COURSE, ABOUT

COME AROUND VERY OFTEN. I'M TALKING, OF COURSE, ABOUT OUR RIGHT TO VOTE...

I'M TALKING, OF COURSE, ABOUT OUR RIGHT TO VOTE... A RIGHT THAT MILLIONS OF

OUR RIGHT TO VOTE... A RIGHT THAT MILLIONS OF AMERICANS HAVE FOUGHT AND DIED

A RIGHT THAT MILLIONS OF AMERICANS HAVE FOUGHT AND DIED FOR.

AMERICANS HAVE FOUGHT AND DIED FOR. YET MANY AMERICANS DO NOT

FOR. YET MANY AMERICANS DO NOT EXERCISE THAT RIGHT.

YET MANY AMERICANS DO NOT EXERCISE THAT RIGHT. IN THE LAST ELECTION, 35% OF THE

EXERCISE THAT RIGHT. IN THE LAST ELECTION, 35% OF THE ELECTORATE ACTUALLY TURNED OUT.

IN THE LAST ELECTION, 35% OF THE ELECTORATE ACTUALLY TURNED OUT. NOW, SOME PEOPLE DON'T VOTE

ELECTORATE ACTUALLY TURNED OUT. NOW, SOME PEOPLE DON'T VOTE BECAUSE THEY DON'T KNOW HOW TO.

NOW, SOME PEOPLE DON'T VOTE BECAUSE THEY DON'T KNOW HOW TO. IT'S REALLY VERY EASY.

BECAUSE THEY DON'T KNOW HOW TO. IT'S REALLY VERY EASY. NOW, IF YOU'RE CONFUSED ABOUT

IT'S REALLY VERY EASY. NOW, IF YOU'RE CONFUSED ABOUT WHERE OR WHEN TO VOTE, THERE ARE

NOW, IF YOU'RE CONFUSED ABOUT WHERE OR WHEN TO VOTE, THERE ARE LOTS OF PEOPLE YOU CAN ASK.

WHERE OR WHEN TO VOTE, THERE ARE LOTS OF PEOPLE YOU CAN ASK. FOR EXAMPLE, MOST TOWNS HAVE A

LOTS OF PEOPLE YOU CAN ASK. FOR EXAMPLE, MOST TOWNS HAVE A LEAGUE OF WOMEN VOTERS.

FOR EXAMPLE, MOST TOWNS HAVE A LEAGUE OF WOMEN VOTERS. YOU CAN CALL THEM.

LEAGUE OF WOMEN VOTERS. YOU CAN CALL THEM. OR JUST CALL CITY HALL.

YOU CAN CALL THEM. OR JUST CALL CITY HALL. OR JUST CALL UP INFORMATION.

OR JUST CALL CITY HALL. OR JUST CALL UP INFORMATION. THEY'LL TELL YOU WHO TO CALL.

OR JUST CALL UP INFORMATION. THEY'LL TELL YOU WHO TO CALL. THAT'S NOT SO HARD, IS IT?

THEY'LL TELL YOU WHO TO CALL. THAT'S NOT SO HARD, IS IT? I MEAN, ANY IDIOT CAN CALL 411.

THAT'S NOT SO HARD, IS IT? I MEAN, ANY IDIOT CAN CALL 411. SO THERE'S NO EXCUSE FOR VOTING,

I MEAN, ANY IDIOT CAN CALL 411. SO THERE'S NO EXCUSE FOR VOTING, RIGHT?

SO THERE'S NO EXCUSE FOR VOTING, RIGHT? I MEAN, YOU CAN VOTE WHEN YOU'RE

RIGHT? I MEAN, YOU CAN VOTE WHEN YOU'RE 18 NOW.

I MEAN, YOU CAN VOTE WHEN YOU'RE 18 NOW. I MEAN, I COULDN'T VOTE WHEN I

18 NOW. I MEAN, I COULDN'T VOTE WHEN I WAS 18.

I MEAN, I COULDN'T VOTE WHEN I WAS 18. I COULDN'T EVEN DRIVE WHEN I WAS

WAS 18. I COULDN'T EVEN DRIVE WHEN I WAS 18.

I COULDN'T EVEN DRIVE WHEN I WAS 18. I GOT MY LICENSE WHEN I WAS 16,

18. I GOT MY LICENSE WHEN I WAS 16, BUT THEY TOOK IT AWAY WHEN I WAS

I GOT MY LICENSE WHEN I WAS 16, BUT THEY TOOK IT AWAY WHEN I WAS 18 'CAUSE I HAD TOO MANY

BUT THEY TOOK IT AWAY WHEN I WAS 18 'CAUSE I HAD TOO MANY TICKETS.

18 'CAUSE I HAD TOO MANY TICKETS. THAT'S WHEN I WAS IN CHICAGO.

TICKETS. THAT'S WHEN I WAS IN CHICAGO. I JUST WENT BACK TO CHICAGO IN

THAT'S WHEN I WAS IN CHICAGO. I JUST WENT BACK TO CHICAGO IN 1976.

I JUST WENT BACK TO CHICAGO IN 1976. AND I SAW MY FRIEND

1976. AND I SAW MY FRIEND STEVE BUSHEKAS.

AND I SAW MY FRIEND STEVE BUSHEKAS. I SAID, "STEVE, STEVE, WHO DID

STEVE BUSHEKAS. I SAID, "STEVE, STEVE, WHO DID YOU VOTE FOR, FORD OR CARTER?"

I SAID, "STEVE, STEVE, WHO DID YOU VOTE FOR, FORD OR CARTER?" HE SAID, "I DIDN'T VOTE.

YOU VOTE FOR, FORD OR CARTER?" HE SAID, "I DIDN'T VOTE. ALL POLITICIANS ARE THE SAME."

HE SAID, "I DIDN'T VOTE. ALL POLITICIANS ARE THE SAME." I SAID, "WHO DO YOU THINK MAKES

ALL POLITICIANS ARE THE SAME." I SAID, "WHO DO YOU THINK MAKES THE LAWS, STEVE?!

I SAID, "WHO DO YOU THINK MAKES THE LAWS, STEVE?! POLITICIANS!"

THE LAWS, STEVE?! POLITICIANS!" HE SAID, "IT DOESN'T MAKE ANY

POLITICIANS!" HE SAID, "IT DOESN'T MAKE ANY DIFFERENCE."

HE SAID, "IT DOESN'T MAKE ANY DIFFERENCE." I SAID, "DOESN'T MAKE ANY

DIFFERENCE." I SAID, "DOESN'T MAKE ANY DIFFERENCE?"

I SAID, "DOESN'T MAKE ANY DIFFERENCE?" POSSESSION OF AN OUNCE IS A

DIFFERENCE?" POSSESSION OF AN OUNCE IS A MISDEMEANOR NOW.

POSSESSION OF AN OUNCE IS A MISDEMEANOR NOW. YOU KNOW HOW FAR WE'VE COME?

MISDEMEANOR NOW. YOU KNOW HOW FAR WE'VE COME? THERE'S STILL SOME PEOPLE IN

YOU KNOW HOW FAR WE'VE COME? THERE'S STILL SOME PEOPLE IN PRISON IN TEXAS EATING RATS

THERE'S STILL SOME PEOPLE IN PRISON IN TEXAS EATING RATS BECAUSE THEY WERE CAUGHT WITH A

PRISON IN TEXAS EATING RATS BECAUSE THEY WERE CAUGHT WITH A SEED IN 1965!

BECAUSE THEY WERE CAUGHT WITH A SEED IN 1965! LOOK...

SEED IN 1965! LOOK... LOOK, IN EUROPE... IN EUROPE...

LOOK... LOOK, IN EUROPE... IN EUROPE... IN AMSTERDAM, EVERYBODY VOTES

LOOK, IN EUROPE... IN EUROPE... IN AMSTERDAM, EVERYBODY VOTES THERE, AND THEY SMOKE HASH IN

IN AMSTERDAM, EVERYBODY VOTES THERE, AND THEY SMOKE HASH IN THE STREETS!

THERE, AND THEY SMOKE HASH IN THE STREETS! SO DON'T TELL ME IT DOESN'T MAKE

THE STREETS! SO DON'T TELL ME IT DOESN'T MAKE A DIFFERENCE!

SO DON'T TELL ME IT DOESN'T MAKE A DIFFERENCE! NO!

A DIFFERENCE! NO! I GOT THIS TO SAY, AND I'M GONNA

NO! I GOT THIS TO SAY, AND I'M GONNA SAY IT!

I GOT THIS TO SAY, AND I'M GONNA SAY IT! WHY AM I UP HERE, WASTING MY

SAY IT! WHY AM I UP HERE, WASTING MY VALUABLE TIME TELLING YOU THIS?

WHY AM I UP HERE, WASTING MY VALUABLE TIME TELLING YOU THIS? TO TELL YOU THE TRUTH, I'D

VALUABLE TIME TELLING YOU THIS? TO TELL YOU THE TRUTH, I'D RATHER BE OUT SMOKING HASH ON

TO TELL YOU THE TRUTH, I'D RATHER BE OUT SMOKING HASH ON THE STREET!

RATHER BE OUT SMOKING HASH ON THE STREET! I COULD BE... I COULD BE OUT

THE STREET! I COULD BE... I COULD BE OUT SMOKING HASH ON THE STREET, BUT

I COULD BE... I COULD BE OUT SMOKING HASH ON THE STREET, BUT N-O-O-O-O-O-O!

SMOKING HASH ON THE STREET, BUT N-O-O-O-O-O-O! I GOT TO BE HERE TO CAJOLE YOU

N-O-O-O-O-O-O! I GOT TO BE HERE TO CAJOLE YOU LAME-Os BECAUSE OUR FOREIGN

I GOT TO BE HERE TO CAJOLE YOU LAME-Os BECAUSE OUR FOREIGN PUBLIC IS THE ONLY HOPE WE HAVE

LAME-Os BECAUSE OUR FOREIGN PUBLIC IS THE ONLY HOPE WE HAVE IF WE WANT TO SMOKE HASH IN THE

PUBLIC IS THE ONLY HOPE WE HAVE IF WE WANT TO SMOKE HASH IN THE STREET!

IF WE WANT TO SMOKE HASH IN THE STREET! JOHN!

STREET! JOHN! CURTIN!

JOHN! CURTIN! NOW, YOU JUST LOOK AT THE

CURTIN! NOW, YOU JUST LOOK AT THE COMMUNIST COUNTRIES!

NOW, YOU JUST LOOK AT THE COMMUNIST COUNTRIES! I'VE BEEN THERE!

COMMUNIST COUNTRIES! I'VE BEEN THERE! I'VE BEEN TO MEXICO AND CANADA!

I'VE BEEN THERE! I'VE BEEN TO MEXICO AND CANADA! AND THEY'D JUMP AT THE RIGHT TO

I'VE BEEN TO MEXICO AND CANADA! AND THEY'D JUMP AT THE RIGHT TO VOTE!

AND THEY'D JUMP AT THE RIGHT TO VOTE! AND SUPPOSE NOBODY VOTED ON

VOTE! AND SUPPOSE NOBODY VOTED ON TUESDAY!

AND SUPPOSE NOBODY VOTED ON TUESDAY! THEN WHERE WOULD WE BE?!

TUESDAY! THEN WHERE WOULD WE BE?! THE RUSSIANS WOULD BE ALL OVER

THEN WHERE WOULD WE BE?! THE RUSSIANS WOULD BE ALL OVER US THE NEXT DAY!

THE RUSSIANS WOULD BE ALL OVER US THE NEXT DAY! YOU THINK THEY'D PASS UP A

US THE NEXT DAY! YOU THINK THEY'D PASS UP A CHANCE LIKE THAT?!

YOU THINK THEY'D PASS UP A CHANCE LIKE THAT?! NOT ON YOUR LIFE!

CHANCE LIKE THAT?! NOT ON YOUR LIFE! THERE'D BE SOME COMMIE GOON

NOT ON YOUR LIFE! THERE'D BE SOME COMMIE GOON KICKING DOWN YOUR DOOR, CHOPPING

THERE'D BE SOME COMMIE GOON KICKING DOWN YOUR DOOR, CHOPPING YOUR RADIO WITH AN AX!

KICKING DOWN YOUR DOOR, CHOPPING YOUR RADIO WITH AN AX! HOW'D YOU LIKE TO DRIVE TO WORK

YOUR RADIO WITH AN AX! HOW'D YOU LIKE TO DRIVE TO WORK SOMEDAY AND ALL THE STREET SIGNS

HOW'D YOU LIKE TO DRIVE TO WORK SOMEDAY AND ALL THE STREET SIGNS ARE WRITTEN IN MONGOLIAN, HUH?!

SOMEDAY AND ALL THE STREET SIGNS ARE WRITTEN IN MONGOLIAN, HUH?! CAN YOU READ MONGOLIAN?!

ARE WRITTEN IN MONGOLIAN, HUH?! CAN YOU READ MONGOLIAN?! I CAN'T!

CAN YOU READ MONGOLIAN?! I CAN'T! NOT EVEN LITERATES CAN READ

I CAN'T! NOT EVEN LITERATES CAN READ MONGOLIAN!

NOT EVEN LITERATES CAN READ MONGOLIAN! ONLY MONGOLIANS CAN READ

MONGOLIAN! ONLY MONGOLIANS CAN READ MONGOLIAN!

ONLY MONGOLIANS CAN READ MONGOLIAN! HAVE YOU EVER SMOKED MONGOLIAN

MONGOLIAN! HAVE YOU EVER SMOKED MONGOLIAN HASH?!

HAVE YOU EVER SMOKED MONGOLIAN HASH?! HUH?!

HASH?! HUH?! YOU DON'T EVEN GET HIGH!

HUH?! YOU DON'T EVEN GET HIGH! IT GIVES YOU A HEADACHE!

YOU DON'T EVEN GET HIGH! IT GIVES YOU A HEADACHE! AND THEN YOUR HEART STARTS

IT GIVES YOU A HEADACHE! AND THEN YOUR HEART STARTS BEATING!

AND THEN YOUR HEART STARTS BEATING! YOU THINK YOU'RE GONNA DIE!

BEATING! YOU THINK YOU'RE GONNA DIE! I WANT HEART DRUGS!

YOU THINK YOU'RE GONNA DIE! I WANT HEART DRUGS! I WANT...

THAT'S THE NEWS. GOOD NIGHT, AND HAVE A PLEASANT TOMORROW.

HEY, DEBBIE, THIS LOOKS LIKE A GREAT PLACE. IT'S QUIET, NOT TOO CROWDED.

A GREAT PLACE. IT'S QUIET, NOT TOO CROWDED. YEAH, YOU KNOW, THEY REALLY

IT'S QUIET, NOT TOO CROWDED. YEAH, YOU KNOW, THEY REALLY FIXED IT UP.

YEAH, YOU KNOW, THEY REALLY FIXED IT UP. IT USED TO BE A BLARNEY STONE,

FIXED IT UP. IT USED TO BE A BLARNEY STONE, YOU KNOW?

IT USED TO BE A BLARNEY STONE, YOU KNOW? ONE OF THOSE IRISH

YOU KNOW? ONE OF THOSE IRISH ROAST-BEEF-AND-WHISKEY BARS.

ONE OF THOSE IRISH ROAST-BEEF-AND-WHISKEY BARS. I REALLY LIKE THAT BARTENDER.

HI, GIRLS. WELCOME TO MIXERS. WHAT CAN I GET YOU? A WHISKEY SOUR.

WHAT CAN I GET YOU? A WHISKEY SOUR. GIN FIZZ.

A WHISKEY SOUR. GIN FIZZ. RUSTY NAIL.

GIN FIZZ. RUSTY NAIL. SOUR, FIZZ, AND A NAIL.

RUSTY NAIL. SOUR, FIZZ, AND A NAIL. [SNAPS FINGERS]

SOUR, FIZZ, AND A NAIL. [SNAPS FINGERS] EXCUSE ME, LADIES, UH, CAN

[SNAPS FINGERS] EXCUSE ME, LADIES, UH, CAN YOU HELP ME WITH A LITTLE

EXCUSE ME, LADIES, UH, CAN YOU HELP ME WITH A LITTLE PROBLEM THAT I HAVE?

YOU HELP ME WITH A LITTLE PROBLEM THAT I HAVE? YEAH. WHAT IS IT?

PROBLEM THAT I HAVE? YEAH. WHAT IS IT? WELL, YOU SEE, I'M ON A LARGE

YEAH. WHAT IS IT? WELL, YOU SEE, I'M ON A LARGE COMPANY EXPENSE TAB THIS WEEK,

WELL, YOU SEE, I'M ON A LARGE COMPANY EXPENSE TAB THIS WEEK, AND IF I SPEND LESS THAN 50

COMPANY EXPENSE TAB THIS WEEK, AND IF I SPEND LESS THAN 50 BUCKS TONIGHT, THEY'RE GONNA

AND IF I SPEND LESS THAN 50 BUCKS TONIGHT, THEY'RE GONNA START CUTTING ME.

BUCKS TONIGHT, THEY'RE GONNA START CUTTING ME. SO, UH...

START CUTTING ME. SO, UH... I'M GONNA HAVE TO BUY YOU GIRLS

SO, UH... I'M GONNA HAVE TO BUY YOU GIRLS A DRINK, HUH?

I'M GONNA HAVE TO BUY YOU GIRLS A DRINK, HUH? THANKS, BUT NO, THANKS.

A DRINK, HUH? THANKS, BUT NO, THANKS. YOU'RE NOT GONNA GET OFF THAT

THANKS, BUT NO, THANKS. YOU'RE NOT GONNA GET OFF THAT EASY.

YOU'RE NOT GONNA GET OFF THAT EASY. I'LL BE BACK.

EASY. I'LL BE BACK. GOD, I HOPE WE DO BETTER THAN

I'LL BE BACK. GOD, I HOPE WE DO BETTER THAN HIM TONIGHT.

GOD, I HOPE WE DO BETTER THAN HIM TONIGHT. RELAX.

HIM TONIGHT. RELAX. HE'S PROBABLY FROM OUT OF TOWN.

RELAX. HE'S PROBABLY FROM OUT OF TOWN. PROBABLY READ ABOUT THE PLACE.

HE'S PROBABLY FROM OUT OF TOWN. PROBABLY READ ABOUT THE PLACE. DON'T WORRY.

PROBABLY READ ABOUT THE PLACE. DON'T WORRY. OUR HIP CROWD HASN'T COME IN

DON'T WORRY. OUR HIP CROWD HASN'T COME IN YET.

OUR HIP CROWD HASN'T COME IN YET. THANKS.

YET. THANKS. SURE THING.

[Czech accent] HI, TED! GET OFF MY BACK! [Czech accent] EAT MY DUST.

GET OFF MY BACK! [Czech accent] EAT MY DUST. HOW ABOUT IT?

[Czech accent] EAT MY DUST. HOW ABOUT IT? CAN I GET YOU MEN SOMETHING?

HOW ABOUT IT? CAN I GET YOU MEN SOMETHING? THAT'S YOUR PROBLEM.

CAN I GET YOU MEN SOMETHING? THAT'S YOUR PROBLEM. ONE IS PLENTY!

THAT'S YOUR PROBLEM. ONE IS PLENTY! HOW ABOUT A COUPLE OF

ONE IS PLENTY! HOW ABOUT A COUPLE OF BREWSKIES, FELLAS?

HOW ABOUT A COUPLE OF BREWSKIES, FELLAS? DON'T MENTION IT.

BREWSKIES, FELLAS? DON'T MENTION IT. [BOTH LAUGH]

DON'T MENTION IT. [BOTH LAUGH] HEY, TED, I'M TELLING YOU

[BOTH LAUGH] HEY, TED, I'M TELLING YOU SOMETHING NOW.

HEY, TED, I'M TELLING YOU SOMETHING NOW. ALL NIGHT, WE HAVE CRUISED THE

SOMETHING NOW. ALL NIGHT, WE HAVE CRUISED THE FOX BARS, AND YET, NO CHICKS

ALL NIGHT, WE HAVE CRUISED THE FOX BARS, AND YET, NO CHICKS WOULD AGREE TO SWING WITH US.

FOX BARS, AND YET, NO CHICKS WOULD AGREE TO SWING WITH US. THEY WERE FRIGHTENED BY OUR

WOULD AGREE TO SWING WITH US. THEY WERE FRIGHTENED BY OUR BULGES.

THEY WERE FRIGHTENED BY OUR BULGES. SURE IT WAS THE BULGES AND

BULGES. SURE IT WAS THE BULGES AND NOT THOSE HATS?

SURE IT WAS THE BULGES AND NOT THOSE HATS? HATS?

NOT THOSE HATS? HATS? WE BROUGHT THEM WITH US.

HATS? WE BROUGHT THEM WITH US. AND OUR TOOTHBRUSHES.

WE BROUGHT THEM WITH US. AND OUR TOOTHBRUSHES. TOOTHBRUSHES?

AND OUR TOOTHBRUSHES. TOOTHBRUSHES? WE HAVE MANY TOILETRY

TOOTHBRUSHES? WE HAVE MANY TOILETRY ARTICLES AND TRAVEL KITS THAT WE

WE HAVE MANY TOILETRY ARTICLES AND TRAVEL KITS THAT WE CARRY WITH US ALL THE TIME.

ARTICLES AND TRAVEL KITS THAT WE CARRY WITH US ALL THE TIME. YOU SEE, THIS PREPARES US FOR

CARRY WITH US ALL THE TIME. YOU SEE, THIS PREPARES US FOR A NIGHT AT ANY GIVEN FOX'S PAD.

YOU SEE, THIS PREPARES US FOR A NIGHT AT ANY GIVEN FOX'S PAD. WELL, I SEE YOU'RE FULLY

A NIGHT AT ANY GIVEN FOX'S PAD. WELL, I SEE YOU'RE FULLY EQUIPPED.

WELL, I SEE YOU'RE FULLY EQUIPPED. THERE'S THREE CHICKS RIGHT OVER

EQUIPPED. THERE'S THREE CHICKS RIGHT OVER THERE WHO SEEM TO BE AVAILABLE.

THERE'S THREE CHICKS RIGHT OVER THERE WHO SEEM TO BE AVAILABLE. Both: FOXES!

THERE WHO SEEM TO BE AVAILABLE. Both: FOXES! PARDON ME FOR A MOMENT.

Both: FOXES! PARDON ME FOR A MOMENT. HERE'S SOMETHING.

PARDON ME FOR A MOMENT. HERE'S SOMETHING. I'M YORTUK FESTRUNK, AND THIS IS

HERE'S SOMETHING. I'M YORTUK FESTRUNK, AND THIS IS MY BROTHER, GEORG.

I'M YORTUK FESTRUNK, AND THIS IS MY BROTHER, GEORG. WE'RE TWO SWINGING GUYS WHO

MY BROTHER, GEORG. WE'RE TWO SWINGING GUYS WHO ENJOY DOING MANY THINGS AND CAN

WE'RE TWO SWINGING GUYS WHO ENJOY DOING MANY THINGS AND CAN COME ON TO YOU NOW.

ENJOY DOING MANY THINGS AND CAN COME ON TO YOU NOW. WE ARE TWO WILD AND CRAZY

COME ON TO YOU NOW. WE ARE TWO WILD AND CRAZY GUYS!

WE ARE TWO WILD AND CRAZY GUYS! WELL, IN ORDER FOR YOU TO SEE

GUYS! WELL, IN ORDER FOR YOU TO SEE HOW SWINGING WE ARE IN AMERICA,

WELL, IN ORDER FOR YOU TO SEE HOW SWINGING WE ARE IN AMERICA, WE MUST HAVE A SWINGING RAP

HOW SWINGING WE ARE IN AMERICA, WE MUST HAVE A SWINGING RAP SESSION HERE AT THE BAR.

WE MUST HAVE A SWINGING RAP SESSION HERE AT THE BAR. SO, TELL US YOUR NAMES.

SESSION HERE AT THE BAR. SO, TELL US YOUR NAMES. UH, I'M DEBBIE.

SO, TELL US YOUR NAMES. UH, I'M DEBBIE. I'M GAYLE.

UH, I'M DEBBIE. I'M GAYLE. LINDA.

I'M GAYLE. LINDA. CLEAN UP YOUR ACT.

LINDA. CLEAN UP YOUR ACT. CATCH YOU LATER!

CLEAN UP YOUR ACT. CATCH YOU LATER! [BOTH LAUGH]

CATCH YOU LATER! [BOTH LAUGH] WELL, DEBBIE, GAYLE, LINDA, NOW

[BOTH LAUGH] WELL, DEBBIE, GAYLE, LINDA, NOW THAT WE KNOW YOUR NAMES, LET US

WELL, DEBBIE, GAYLE, LINDA, NOW THAT WE KNOW YOUR NAMES, LET US START A SWINGING RAP SESSION.

THAT WE KNOW YOUR NAMES, LET US START A SWINGING RAP SESSION. TELL ME, DEBBIE, WHEN YOU

START A SWINGING RAP SESSION. TELL ME, DEBBIE, WHEN YOU HAVE SEX, ARE YOU LOUD?

TELL ME, DEBBIE, WHEN YOU HAVE SEX, ARE YOU LOUD? LINDA, DO YOU MAKE MANY

HAVE SEX, ARE YOU LOUD? LINDA, DO YOU MAKE MANY NOISES?

LINDA, DO YOU MAKE MANY NOISES? EXCUSE ME, BUT WHAT RIGHT DO

NOISES? EXCUSE ME, BUT WHAT RIGHT DO YOU GUYS HAVE TO ASK US PERSONAL

EXCUSE ME, BUT WHAT RIGHT DO YOU GUYS HAVE TO ASK US PERSONAL QUESTIONS LIKE THAT?

YOU GUYS HAVE TO ASK US PERSONAL QUESTIONS LIKE THAT? HEY, ARE THESE GUYS BOTHERING

QUESTIONS LIKE THAT? HEY, ARE THESE GUYS BOTHERING YOU?

HEY, ARE THESE GUYS BOTHERING YOU? OH, GREAT... OUR HERO.

YOU? OH, GREAT... OUR HERO. HI, SWINGER!

OH, GREAT... OUR HERO. HI, SWINGER! WHY DON'T YOU BUY A DRINK FOR

HI, SWINGER! WHY DON'T YOU BUY A DRINK FOR YOURSELF AND ENJOY IT?

WHY DON'T YOU BUY A DRINK FOR YOURSELF AND ENJOY IT? NAME'S GLENN JOHNSON.

YOURSELF AND ENJOY IT? NAME'S GLENN JOHNSON. I DON'T LIKE YOUR TONE.

NAME'S GLENN JOHNSON. I DON'T LIKE YOUR TONE. TONE?

I DON'T LIKE YOUR TONE. TONE? COUNT ME IN, GLENN!

TONE? COUNT ME IN, GLENN! OKAY, BUDDY, IT'S GO TIME.

COUNT ME IN, GLENN! OKAY, BUDDY, IT'S GO TIME. LET'S GO. COME ON.

OKAY, BUDDY, IT'S GO TIME. LET'S GO. COME ON. HEY, GO TIME!

LET'S GO. COME ON. HEY, GO TIME! OH, BOY!

HEY, GO TIME! OH, BOY! GO TIME!

OH, BOY! GO TIME! [LAUGHS]

GO TIME! [LAUGHS] THERE WILL BE A PARTY

[LAUGHS] THERE WILL BE A PARTY TONIGHT, GLENN.

THERE WILL BE A PARTY TONIGHT, GLENN. OKAY, BUDDY, WHY DON'T YOU

TONIGHT, GLENN. OKAY, BUDDY, WHY DON'T YOU JUST GO OUTSIDE TO COOL OFF,

OKAY, BUDDY, WHY DON'T YOU JUST GO OUTSIDE TO COOL OFF, OKAY?

JUST GO OUTSIDE TO COOL OFF, OKAY? HEY, THEY WERE BOTHERING...

OKAY? HEY, THEY WERE BOTHERING... GOODBYE, GLENN!

HEY, THEY WERE BOTHERING... GOODBYE, GLENN! YOU SWINGING AMERICAN!

GOODBYE, GLENN! YOU SWINGING AMERICAN! [LAUGHS]

YOU SWINGING AMERICAN! [LAUGHS] EXCUSE ME.

[LAUGHS] EXCUSE ME. SO, DEBBIE, PERHAPS YOU HAVE

EXCUSE ME. SO, DEBBIE, PERHAPS YOU HAVE MANY ELECTRICAL DEVICES THAT YOU

SO, DEBBIE, PERHAPS YOU HAVE MANY ELECTRICAL DEVICES THAT YOU USE FOR SEX.

MANY ELECTRICAL DEVICES THAT YOU USE FOR SEX. WE HAVE NOW A VIBRATING

USE FOR SEX. WE HAVE NOW A VIBRATING MACHINE THAT WE BROUGHT FROM

WE HAVE NOW A VIBRATING MACHINE THAT WE BROUGHT FROM CZECHOSLOVAKIA.

MACHINE THAT WE BROUGHT FROM CZECHOSLOVAKIA. A COMMUNIST PARTY OFFICIAL

CZECHOSLOVAKIA. A COMMUNIST PARTY OFFICIAL TRADED IT FOR MANY FUEL COUPONS.

A COMMUNIST PARTY OFFICIAL TRADED IT FOR MANY FUEL COUPONS. [WHIRRING]

TRADED IT FOR MANY FUEL COUPONS. [WHIRRING] OH!

[WHIRRING] OH! OH, GOD!

OH! OH, GOD! PLEASE TURN THAT OFF!

OH, GOD! PLEASE TURN THAT OFF! WE'VE SEEN ENOUGH!

PLEASE TURN THAT OFF! WE'VE SEEN ENOUGH! IT LOOKS VERY DANGEROUS!

WE'VE SEEN ENOUGH! IT LOOKS VERY DANGEROUS! SO?

IT LOOKS VERY DANGEROUS! SO? AREN'T YOU GETTING HOT YET?

SO? AREN'T YOU GETTING HOT YET? YOU KNOW, DEBBIE, I HAVE PAID

AREN'T YOU GETTING HOT YET? YOU KNOW, DEBBIE, I HAVE PAID FOR MANY WOMEN WORSE THAN YOU.

YOU KNOW, DEBBIE, I HAVE PAID FOR MANY WOMEN WORSE THAN YOU. THAT'S NICE. THANKS A LOT.

FOR MANY WOMEN WORSE THAN YOU. THAT'S NICE. THANKS A LOT. WE HAVE TALKED LONG ENOUGH.

THAT'S NICE. THANKS A LOT. WE HAVE TALKED LONG ENOUGH. LET US CHOOSE PARTNERS FOR SEX.

WE HAVE TALKED LONG ENOUGH. LET US CHOOSE PARTNERS FOR SEX. HERE IS SOMETHING.

LET US CHOOSE PARTNERS FOR SEX. HERE IS SOMETHING. LOOK AT OUR SLACKS.

HERE IS SOMETHING. LOOK AT OUR SLACKS. IT IS BECAUSE OF YOU THAT OUR

LOOK AT OUR SLACKS. IT IS BECAUSE OF YOU THAT OUR PATCHES ARE STRETCHING.

NOW THAT WE HAVE TALKED AND YOU HAVE EXCITED US, YOU MUST TAKE US TO YOUR PADS TO RELIEVE

YOU HAVE EXCITED US, YOU MUST TAKE US TO YOUR PADS TO RELIEVE US.

TAKE US TO YOUR PADS TO RELIEVE US. WAIT A MINUTE! THAT'S IT!

US. WAIT A MINUTE! THAT'S IT! YOU GUYS ARE REALLY IGNORANT!

WAIT A MINUTE! THAT'S IT! YOU GUYS ARE REALLY IGNORANT! COME ON. LET'S GO.

YOU GUYS ARE REALLY IGNORANT! COME ON. LET'S GO. YEAH.

COME ON. LET'S GO. YEAH. WAIT! WAIT!

YEAH. WAIT! WAIT! CAN'T YOU SEE ENOUGH OF OUR

WAIT! WAIT! CAN'T YOU SEE ENOUGH OF OUR CHEST HAIRS?

CAN'T YOU SEE ENOUGH OF OUR CHEST HAIRS? THE BODY-ODOR SOAP THAT WE

CHEST HAIRS? THE BODY-ODOR SOAP THAT WE USE ALL THE TIME MAKES OUR CHEST

THE BODY-ODOR SOAP THAT WE USE ALL THE TIME MAKES OUR CHEST HAIRS VERY CRISPY.

USE ALL THE TIME MAKES OUR CHEST HAIRS VERY CRISPY. BYE, FOXES.

HAIRS VERY CRISPY. BYE, FOXES. OUT TO LUNCH.

BYE, FOXES. OUT TO LUNCH. I LOVE AMERICAN FOXES.

OUT TO LUNCH. I LOVE AMERICAN FOXES. WE COULD NEVER HAVE THIS GREAT

I LOVE AMERICAN FOXES. WE COULD NEVER HAVE THIS GREAT SUCCESS WITH CHICKS BACK IN

WE COULD NEVER HAVE THIS GREAT SUCCESS WITH CHICKS BACK IN CZECHOSLOVAKIA.

SUCCESS WITH CHICKS BACK IN CZECHOSLOVAKIA. WE MUST CRUISE AGAIN TO THIS

CZECHOSLOVAKIA. WE MUST CRUISE AGAIN TO THIS FOX BAR.

WE MUST CRUISE AGAIN TO THIS FOX BAR. HEY, TED, YOU ARE THE LOWEST.

FOX BAR. HEY, TED, YOU ARE THE LOWEST. [LAUGHS]

HEY, TED, YOU ARE THE LOWEST. [LAUGHS] HEY, YOU SWINGERS!

[LAUGHS] HEY, YOU SWINGERS! IT'S PARTY TIME!

HEY, YOU SWINGERS! IT'S PARTY TIME! WHY DON'T YOU BUY YOURSELVES A

IT'S PARTY TIME! WHY DON'T YOU BUY YOURSELVES A DRINK AND ENJOY IT?

WHY DON'T YOU BUY YOURSELVES A DRINK AND ENJOY IT? [WHIRRING]

DRINK AND ENJOY IT? [WHIRRING] WHOA!

[KNOCK ON DOOR] H-HELLO? HELLO?

H-HELLO? HELLO? LISA?

HELLO? LISA? COMING!

LISA? COMING! [TOILET FLUSHES]

COMING! [TOILET FLUSHES] HI!

[TOILET FLUSHES] HI! HI.

HI! HI. DO YOU REMEMBER ME?

HI. DO YOU REMEMBER ME? I MET YOU AT THE SCIENCE FAIR.

DO YOU REMEMBER ME? I MET YOU AT THE SCIENCE FAIR. OH, THAT'S RIGHT.

I MET YOU AT THE SCIENCE FAIR. OH, THAT'S RIGHT. YOU HAD THE BOOTH "FUN WITH

OH, THAT'S RIGHT. YOU HAD THE BOOTH "FUN WITH FRICTION."

YOU HAD THE BOOTH "FUN WITH FRICTION." YEAH.

FRICTION." YEAH. WELL, IT'S REALLY NICE OF YOU

YEAH. WELL, IT'S REALLY NICE OF YOU TO COME AND VISIT ME IN THE

WELL, IT'S REALLY NICE OF YOU TO COME AND VISIT ME IN THE HOSPITAL, CONSIDERING I CAN'T

TO COME AND VISIT ME IN THE HOSPITAL, CONSIDERING I CAN'T EVEN REMEMBER YOUR NAME.

HOSPITAL, CONSIDERING I CAN'T EVEN REMEMBER YOUR NAME. OH, I-I'M GRANT ROBINSON JR.

EVEN REMEMBER YOUR NAME. OH, I-I'M GRANT ROBINSON JR. FROM HARRIET TUBMAN HIGH.

OH, I-I'M GRANT ROBINSON JR. FROM HARRIET TUBMAN HIGH. MY MOTHER WORKS IN THE HOSPITAL.

FROM HARRIET TUBMAN HIGH. MY MOTHER WORKS IN THE HOSPITAL. MY BOOKS, SHE'S GOT THEM OUT

MY MOTHER WORKS IN THE HOSPITAL. MY BOOKS, SHE'S GOT THEM OUT THERE.

MY BOOKS, SHE'S GOT THEM OUT THERE. I COME HERE TO DO MY HOMEWORK.

THERE. I COME HERE TO DO MY HOMEWORK. OH.

I COME HERE TO DO MY HOMEWORK. OH. THANKS, GRANT.

OH. THANKS, GRANT. HI, LISA.

THANKS, GRANT. HI, LISA. HI, MOM.

HI, LISA. HI, MOM. OH, LISA, WHY DON'T YOU

HI, MOM. OH, LISA, WHY DON'T YOU INTRODUCE ME TO YOUR NICE YOUNG

OH, LISA, WHY DON'T YOU INTRODUCE ME TO YOUR NICE YOUNG NEGRO FRIEND?

INTRODUCE ME TO YOUR NICE YOUNG NEGRO FRIEND? I-I'M GRANT ROBINSON JR.,

NEGRO FRIEND? I-I'M GRANT ROBINSON JR., HARRIET TUBMAN HIGH.

I-I'M GRANT ROBINSON JR., HARRIET TUBMAN HIGH. UM, MY MOTHER WORKS IN THE

HARRIET TUBMAN HIGH. UM, MY MOTHER WORKS IN THE HOSPITAL.

UM, MY MOTHER WORKS IN THE HOSPITAL. DOESN'T LISA LOOK WELL?

HOSPITAL. DOESN'T LISA LOOK WELL? [LAUGHS, SNORTS]

DOESN'T LISA LOOK WELL? [LAUGHS, SNORTS] UH, WHAT'S SHE GOT?

[LAUGHS, SNORTS] UH, WHAT'S SHE GOT? OH, IT'S JUST A STUPID

UH, WHAT'S SHE GOT? OH, IT'S JUST A STUPID DEVIATED SEPTUM.

OH, IT'S JUST A STUPID DEVIATED SEPTUM. THEY'RE GONNA OPERATE ON ME

DEVIATED SEPTUM. THEY'RE GONNA OPERATE ON ME TOMORROW.

THEY'RE GONNA OPERATE ON ME TOMORROW. THEY JUST HAVE TO MOVE THIS

TOMORROW. THEY JUST HAVE TO MOVE THIS LITTLE BIT OF CARTILAGE IN MY

THEY JUST HAVE TO MOVE THIS LITTLE BIT OF CARTILAGE IN MY NOSE.

LITTLE BIT OF CARTILAGE IN MY NOSE. OH.

NOSE. OH. WILL IT, UH...

OH. WILL IT, UH... CHANGE THE WAY YOU SPEAK?

WILL IT, UH... CHANGE THE WAY YOU SPEAK? I HOPE NOT.

CHANGE THE WAY YOU SPEAK? I HOPE NOT. WELL, YOU, UH, WOULDN'T WANT

I HOPE NOT. WELL, YOU, UH, WOULDN'T WANT TO BUY ANY CHOCOLATE TO SUPPORT

WELL, YOU, UH, WOULDN'T WANT TO BUY ANY CHOCOLATE TO SUPPORT OUR BASEBALL TEAM,

TO BUY ANY CHOCOLATE TO SUPPORT OUR BASEBALL TEAM, THE BLUE DEVILS, WOULD YOU?

OUR BASEBALL TEAM, THE BLUE DEVILS, WOULD YOU? OH, NO, THANKS, GRANT.

THE BLUE DEVILS, WOULD YOU? OH, NO, THANKS, GRANT. I DIDN'T THINK SO.

OH, NO, THANKS, GRANT. I DIDN'T THINK SO. UH, WELL, I GOT TO GO NOW.

I DIDN'T THINK SO. UH, WELL, I GOT TO GO NOW. SEE YOU.

UH, WELL, I GOT TO GO NOW. SEE YOU. BYE.

SEE YOU. BYE. LISA, WILL YOU BE ALL RIGHT

BYE. LISA, WILL YOU BE ALL RIGHT ALONE FOR A MINUTE?

LISA, WILL YOU BE ALL RIGHT ALONE FOR A MINUTE? I JUST WANT TO GET A CUP OF THAT

ALONE FOR A MINUTE? I JUST WANT TO GET A CUP OF THAT DELICIOUS HOSPITAL-CAFETERIA

I JUST WANT TO GET A CUP OF THAT DELICIOUS HOSPITAL-CAFETERIA COFFEE.

DELICIOUS HOSPITAL-CAFETERIA COFFEE. SURE, MOM.

COFFEE. SURE, MOM. SEE YOU LATER.

[BLOWS NOSE]

GUESS WHO. OH! UM, JOHN TRAVOLTA?

OH! UM, JOHN TRAVOLTA? WELL, YOU'RE WARM, ANYWAY.

UM, JOHN TRAVOLTA? WELL, YOU'RE WARM, ANYWAY. UH, PAUL MICHAEL GLASER?

WELL, YOU'RE WARM, ANYWAY. UH, PAUL MICHAEL GLASER? OH, YOU'RE BOILING HOT NOW!

UH, PAUL MICHAEL GLASER? OH, YOU'RE BOILING HOT NOW! OH, I KNOW!

OH, YOU'RE BOILING HOT NOW! OH, I KNOW! MORK!

OH, I KNOW! MORK! THE POOR CHILD IS DELIRIOUS.

MORK! THE POOR CHILD IS DELIRIOUS. SHE NO LONGER RECOGNIZES THE

THE POOR CHILD IS DELIRIOUS. SHE NO LONGER RECOGNIZES THE VELVET TOUCH OF THE ALWAYS

SHE NO LONGER RECOGNIZES THE VELVET TOUCH OF THE ALWAYS GREAT, NEVER LESS THAN

VELVET TOUCH OF THE ALWAYS GREAT, NEVER LESS THAN SENSATIONAL TODD DiLaMUCA.

GREAT, NEVER LESS THAN SENSATIONAL TODD DiLaMUCA. OH.

SENSATIONAL TODD DiLaMUCA. OH. HI, TODD.

OH. HI, TODD. HOW ARE YOU FEELING, LISA?

HI, TODD. HOW ARE YOU FEELING, LISA? OH, I'M FEELING FINE.

HOW ARE YOU FEELING, LISA? OH, I'M FEELING FINE. ASK ME HOW I'M FEELING.

OH, I'M FEELING FINE. ASK ME HOW I'M FEELING. HOW ARE YOU FEELING?

ASK ME HOW I'M FEELING. HOW ARE YOU FEELING? WITH MY HANDS!

HOW ARE YOU FEELING? WITH MY HANDS! OH, CUT IT OUT!

WITH MY HANDS! OH, CUT IT OUT! MY GOSH.

OH, CUT IT OUT! MY GOSH. YOU'VE HAD YOUR BUSTS REMOVED.

MY GOSH. YOU'VE HAD YOUR BUSTS REMOVED. IF YOU'RE CALLING THIS YOUR HOPE

YOU'VE HAD YOUR BUSTS REMOVED. IF YOU'RE CALLING THIS YOUR HOPE CHEST, KEEP HOPING, LISA.

IF YOU'RE CALLING THIS YOUR HOPE CHEST, KEEP HOPING, LISA. OH, THAT'S SO FUNNY, I FORGOT

CHEST, KEEP HOPING, LISA. OH, THAT'S SO FUNNY, I FORGOT TO LAUGH.

OH, THAT'S SO FUNNY, I FORGOT TO LAUGH. [IMITATING SIREN]

TO LAUGH. [IMITATING SIREN] UH-OH... THE NOOGIE AMBULANCE!

[IMITATING SIREN] UH-OH... THE NOOGIE AMBULANCE! OH! STOP IT!

UH-OH... THE NOOGIE AMBULANCE! OH! STOP IT! HERE'S SOME SPECIAL GET-WELL

OH! STOP IT! HERE'S SOME SPECIAL GET-WELL NOOGIES.

HERE'S SOME SPECIAL GET-WELL NOOGIES. OH, WHAT A TRAGEDY!

NOOGIES. OH, WHAT A TRAGEDY! DON'T WORRY, MY DEAR.

OH, WHAT A TRAGEDY! DON'T WORRY, MY DEAR. [KNOCK ON DOOR]

DON'T WORRY, MY DEAR. [KNOCK ON DOOR] THESE HAVE ALL BEEN STERILIZED.

[KNOCK ON DOOR] THESE HAVE ALL BEEN STERILIZED. CUT IT OUT, PIZZA FACE!

THESE HAVE ALL BEEN STERILIZED. CUT IT OUT, PIZZA FACE! YEAH!

CUT IT OUT, PIZZA FACE! YEAH! PATHETIC SHELL OF A HUMAN

YEAH! PATHETIC SHELL OF A HUMAN BEING.

PATHETIC SHELL OF A HUMAN BEING. [KNOCK ON DOOR]

BEING. [KNOCK ON DOOR] STOP IT, TODD!

[KNOCK ON DOOR] STOP IT, TODD! COME IN!

STOP IT, TODD! COME IN! WHOA!

COME IN! WHOA! OH, NO.

WHOA! OH, NO. CHAZ "THE SPAZ" KNERLMAN.

OH, NO. CHAZ "THE SPAZ" KNERLMAN. HOW'S IT HANGING, PIZZA FACE?

CHAZ "THE SPAZ" KNERLMAN. HOW'S IT HANGING, PIZZA FACE? WOULDN'T YOU LIKE TO KNOW.

HOW'S IT HANGING, PIZZA FACE? WOULDN'T YOU LIKE TO KNOW. WHY DON'T YOU PUT AN EGG IN

WOULDN'T YOU LIKE TO KNOW. WHY DON'T YOU PUT AN EGG IN YOUR SHOE AND BEAT IT!

WHY DON'T YOU PUT AN EGG IN YOUR SHOE AND BEAT IT! LISA, I WOULD'VE BEEN HERE

YOUR SHOE AND BEAT IT! LISA, I WOULD'VE BEEN HERE SOONER, BUT I WAS OUT BUYING

LISA, I WOULD'VE BEEN HERE SOONER, BUT I WAS OUT BUYING THESE EXPENSIVE GIFTS...

SOONER, BUT I WAS OUT BUYING THESE EXPENSIVE GIFTS... FLOWERS AND THESE EXPENSIVE

THESE EXPENSIVE GIFTS... FLOWERS AND THESE EXPENSIVE CHOCOLATES AND THIS RECORD,

FLOWERS AND THESE EXPENSIVE CHOCOLATES AND THIS RECORD, "MARVIN HAMLISCH DOES IT TO

CHOCOLATES AND THIS RECORD, "MARVIN HAMLISCH DOES IT TO MARVIN HAMLISCH."

"MARVIN HAMLISCH DOES IT TO MARVIN HAMLISCH." OH.

MARVIN HAMLISCH." OH. THANK YOU, CHARLES.

OH. THANK YOU, CHARLES. THIS IS THE HAPPIEST MOMENT OF

THANK YOU, CHARLES. THIS IS THE HAPPIEST MOMENT OF MY LIFE, EVEN IF IT IS CUT

THIS IS THE HAPPIEST MOMENT OF MY LIFE, EVEN IF IT IS CUT TRAGICALLY SHORT BY ILLNESS.

MY LIFE, EVEN IF IT IS CUT TRAGICALLY SHORT BY ILLNESS. AND HERE'S A GREETING CARD I

TRAGICALLY SHORT BY ILLNESS. AND HERE'S A GREETING CARD I THOUGHTFULLY MADE YOU MYSELF

AND HERE'S A GREETING CARD I THOUGHTFULLY MADE YOU MYSELF WITH THESE HANDS.

THOUGHTFULLY MADE YOU MYSELF WITH THESE HANDS. OH.

WITH THESE HANDS. OH. "TO LISA.

OH. "TO LISA. TO A GREAT GAL WITH A DEVIATED

"TO LISA. TO A GREAT GAL WITH A DEVIATED SEPTUM.

TO A GREAT GAL WITH A DEVIATED SEPTUM. SHE WON A FRIEND AND ALWAYS KEPT

SEPTUM. SHE WON A FRIEND AND ALWAYS KEPT HIM.

SHE WON A FRIEND AND ALWAYS KEPT HIM. FINEST REGARDS FROM THAT FRIEND,

HIM. FINEST REGARDS FROM THAT FRIEND, CHARLES KNERLMAN."

FINEST REGARDS FROM THAT FRIEND, CHARLES KNERLMAN." "PRESIDENT OF THE SCIENCE

CHARLES KNERLMAN." "PRESIDENT OF THE SCIENCE CLUB."

"PRESIDENT OF THE SCIENCE CLUB." OH, IT'S BEAUTIFUL, CHARLES!

CLUB." OH, IT'S BEAUTIFUL, CHARLES! OH, UH, LISA, I FORGOT TO

OH, IT'S BEAUTIFUL, CHARLES! OH, UH, LISA, I FORGOT TO GIVE YOU MY PRESENT.

OH, UH, LISA, I FORGOT TO GIVE YOU MY PRESENT. HERE'S A BUCK.

GIVE YOU MY PRESENT. HERE'S A BUCK. I FORGOT TO WRAP IT.

HERE'S A BUCK. I FORGOT TO WRAP IT. MERCI BUCKETS!

I FORGOT TO WRAP IT. MERCI BUCKETS! SO, HOW ARE YOU, LISA?

MERCI BUCKETS! SO, HOW ARE YOU, LISA? OH, THE DOCTORS DON'T KNOW

SO, HOW ARE YOU, LISA? OH, THE DOCTORS DON'T KNOW FOR SURE.

OH, THE DOCTORS DON'T KNOW FOR SURE. BUT DON'T WORRY.

FOR SURE. BUT DON'T WORRY. I BELIEVE IN REINCARNATION.

BUT DON'T WORRY. I BELIEVE IN REINCARNATION. OH, YOU'RE SO BRAVE, LISA.

I BELIEVE IN REINCARNATION. OH, YOU'RE SO BRAVE, LISA. YOU REMIND ME OF ME.

OH, YOU'RE SO BRAVE, LISA. YOU REMIND ME OF ME. UGH!

YOU REMIND ME OF ME. UGH! CHARLES, HOW IS OUR SCHOOL?

UGH! CHARLES, HOW IS OUR SCHOOL? I SO MISS LEARNING!

CHARLES, HOW IS OUR SCHOOL? I SO MISS LEARNING! DON'T WORRY, LISA, 'CAUSE I

I SO MISS LEARNING! DON'T WORRY, LISA, 'CAUSE I CONSIDERATELY BROUGHT YOU ALL

DON'T WORRY, LISA, 'CAUSE I CONSIDERATELY BROUGHT YOU ALL YOU HOMEWORK ASSIGNMENTS FOR THE

CONSIDERATELY BROUGHT YOU ALL YOU HOMEWORK ASSIGNMENTS FOR THE NEXT TWO WEEKS IN ADVANCE.

YOU HOMEWORK ASSIGNMENTS FOR THE NEXT TWO WEEKS IN ADVANCE. OH, THANK YOU.

NEXT TWO WEEKS IN ADVANCE. OH, THANK YOU. WAIT A MINUTE.

OH, THANK YOU. WAIT A MINUTE. I THOUGHT I WAS BRINGING YOU

WAIT A MINUTE. I THOUGHT I WAS BRINGING YOU THE HOMEWORK.

I THOUGHT I WAS BRINGING YOU THE HOMEWORK. BUT I GUESS YOU WON'T BE NEEDING

THE HOMEWORK. BUT I GUESS YOU WON'T BE NEEDING IT, NOW THAT YOU'RE GETTING IT

BUT I GUESS YOU WON'T BE NEEDING IT, NOW THAT YOU'RE GETTING IT SOMEWHERE ELSE.

IT, NOW THAT YOU'RE GETTING IT SOMEWHERE ELSE. [GASPS]

SOMEWHERE ELSE. [GASPS] IT'S NOT WHAT YOU THINK, TODD!

[GASPS] IT'S NOT WHAT YOU THINK, TODD! ANYWAY, IT'S NONE OF YOUR

IT'S NOT WHAT YOU THINK, TODD! ANYWAY, IT'S NONE OF YOUR BEESWAX!

ANYWAY, IT'S NONE OF YOUR BEESWAX! WHY DON'T YOU SHUT UP,

BEESWAX! WHY DON'T YOU SHUT UP, SPAZALOPOLIS?

WHY DON'T YOU SHUT UP, SPAZALOPOLIS? SHAME ON YOU, LISA, TAKING

SPAZALOPOLIS? SHAME ON YOU, LISA, TAKING HOMEWORK FROM TWO DIFFERENT GUYS

SHAME ON YOU, LISA, TAKING HOMEWORK FROM TWO DIFFERENT GUYS AT THE SAME TIME AND NEVER

HOMEWORK FROM TWO DIFFERENT GUYS AT THE SAME TIME AND NEVER LETTING EITHER ONE KNOW WHERE

AT THE SAME TIME AND NEVER LETTING EITHER ONE KNOW WHERE IT WAS REALLY AT.

LETTING EITHER ONE KNOW WHERE IT WAS REALLY AT. OH, CHARLES, COULD YOU HELP

IT WAS REALLY AT. OH, CHARLES, COULD YOU HELP ME SIT UP?

OH, CHARLES, COULD YOU HELP ME SIT UP? I'D LIKE TO SEE THE SUNSET FOR

ME SIT UP? I'D LIKE TO SEE THE SUNSET FOR ONE LAST TIME.

I'D LIKE TO SEE THE SUNSET FOR ONE LAST TIME. CERTAINEMENT.

ONE LAST TIME. CERTAINEMENT. I'LL ADJUST THAT FOR HER.

CERTAINEMENT. I'LL ADJUST THAT FOR HER. I GOT IT.

I'LL ADJUST THAT FOR HER. I GOT IT. NO, I HAVE IT!

I GOT IT. NO, I HAVE IT! WATCH IT, TODD!

NO, I HAVE IT! WATCH IT, TODD! I'VE GOT IT!

WATCH IT, TODD! I'VE GOT IT! I'VE GOT IT!

I'VE GOT IT! I'VE GOT IT! HEY, BUDDY, GIVE ME BACK THAT

I'VE GOT IT! HEY, BUDDY, GIVE ME BACK THAT PENCIL POCKET PROTECTOR!

HEY, BUDDY, GIVE ME BACK THAT PENCIL POCKET PROTECTOR! HERE'S WHAT I THINK OF YOUR

PENCIL POCKET PROTECTOR! HERE'S WHAT I THINK OF YOUR DUMB POCKET PROTECTOR, YOU...

HERE'S WHAT I THINK OF YOUR DUMB POCKET PROTECTOR, YOU... YOU STUPID DUMBFACE!

DUMB POCKET PROTECTOR, YOU... YOU STUPID DUMBFACE! OH! OH, NO!

YOU STUPID DUMBFACE! OH! OH, NO! [GRUNTING]

OH! OH, NO! [GRUNTING] OH!

[GRUNTING] OH! [GRUNTING]

OH! [GRUNTING] I SEE YOU DON'T PLAY BY THE

[GRUNTING] I SEE YOU DON'T PLAY BY THE RULES, KNERLMAN.

I SEE YOU DON'T PLAY BY THE RULES, KNERLMAN. WELL, NEITHER DO I...

RULES, KNERLMAN. WELL, NEITHER DO I... WHAT HAPPENED HERE?

WELL, NEITHER DO I... WHAT HAPPENED HERE? WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

WHAT HAPPENED HERE? WHAT DO YOU MEAN? OH!

WHAT DO YOU MEAN? OH! [SHOUTS INDISTINCTLY]

OH! [SHOUTS INDISTINCTLY] STOP IT!

[SHOUTS INDISTINCTLY] STOP IT! HI, KIDS!

STOP IT! HI, KIDS! MOM!

HI, KIDS! MOM! Both: [Singsong voice]

MOM! Both: [Singsong voice] HELLO, MRS. LOOPNER.

40 LASHES WITH A WET NOODLE FOR YOU TWO YOUNG MEN! THANKS, MOM!

FOR YOU TWO YOUNG MEN! THANKS, MOM! WELL, VISITING HOURS ARE

THANKS, MOM! WELL, VISITING HOURS ARE OVER.

WELL, VISITING HOURS ARE OVER. YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO LEAVE

OVER. YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO LEAVE NOW.

YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO LEAVE NOW. IT'S TIME TO GO.

NOW. IT'S TIME TO GO. GOOD LUCK WITH THE OPERATION

IT'S TIME TO GO. GOOD LUCK WITH THE OPERATION TOMORROW, LISA.

GOOD LUCK WITH THE OPERATION TOMORROW, LISA. THANK YOU, CHARLES!

TOMORROW, LISA. THANK YOU, CHARLES! YES, I SINCERELY HOPE THE

THANK YOU, CHARLES! YES, I SINCERELY HOPE THE DOCTOR'S HAND DOESN'T SLIP AND

YES, I SINCERELY HOPE THE DOCTOR'S HAND DOESN'T SLIP AND YOU END UP WITH A DEVIATED FACE.

DOCTOR'S HAND DOESN'T SLIP AND YOU END UP WITH A DEVIATED FACE. WELL, IF I DIE, I'M DONATING

YOU END UP WITH A DEVIATED FACE. WELL, IF I DIE, I'M DONATING MY ORGANS TO SCIENCE AND MY SKIN

WELL, IF I DIE, I'M DONATING MY ORGANS TO SCIENCE AND MY SKIN TO YOU, PIZZA FACE!

MY ORGANS TO SCIENCE AND MY SKIN TO YOU, PIZZA FACE! PBTH!

TO YOU, PIZZA FACE! PBTH! GOODBYE, LADIES.

PBTH! GOODBYE, LADIES. AND BOY.

NOW, LISA, GET SOME SLEEP. AND DON'T BE SCARED. WHEN YOU WAKE UP, I'LL BE IN THE

AND DON'T BE SCARED. WHEN YOU WAKE UP, I'LL BE IN THE RECOVERY ROOM WITH BELLS ON.

WHEN YOU WAKE UP, I'LL BE IN THE RECOVERY ROOM WITH BELLS ON. I'M NOT SCARED, MOM.

RECOVERY ROOM WITH BELLS ON. I'M NOT SCARED, MOM. [LAUGHS]

I'M NOT SCARED, MOM. [LAUGHS] [SNORTS]

[LAUGHS] [SNORTS] HEY, ARE... ARE YOU

[SNORTS] HEY, ARE... ARE YOU M-MRS. ROBINSON?

HEY, ARE... ARE YOU M-MRS. ROBINSON? YES, I AM.

M-MRS. ROBINSON? YES, I AM. OH, I KNOW YOUR SON GRANT.

YES, I AM. OH, I KNOW YOUR SON GRANT. HE'S SOMEWHERE IN THE BUILDING.

OH, I KNOW YOUR SON GRANT. HE'S SOMEWHERE IN THE BUILDING. I KNOW YOU DO.

HE'S SOMEWHERE IN THE BUILDING. I KNOW YOU DO. NOW YOU GO TO SLEEP.

I KNOW YOU DO. NOW YOU GO TO SLEEP. YOU HAVE A BIG DAY AHEAD OF YOU

NOW YOU GO TO SLEEP. YOU HAVE A BIG DAY AHEAD OF YOU TOMORROW.

YOU HAVE A BIG DAY AHEAD OF YOU TOMORROW. THANK YOU, MRS. ROBINSON.

TOMORROW. THANK YOU, MRS. ROBINSON. RIGHT.

THANK YOU, MRS. ROBINSON. RIGHT. [WHEEZING]

[THEME MUSIC PLAYS]

WELCOME TO "LOOKS AT BOOKS." I'M JANE CURTIN, AND WE'RE GOING TO TALK TO THE MAN WHO'S WRITTEN

I'M JANE CURTIN, AND WE'RE GOING TO TALK TO THE MAN WHO'S WRITTEN THIS BOOK...

TO TALK TO THE MAN WHO'S WRITTEN THIS BOOK... "MAULED."

THIS BOOK... "MAULED." PLEASE WELCOME BOB CRAWFORD.

"MAULED." PLEASE WELCOME BOB CRAWFORD. BOB, WHY "MAULED"?

PLEASE WELCOME BOB CRAWFORD. BOB, WHY "MAULED"? BECAUSE THERE ARE OVER 150

BOB, WHY "MAULED"? BECAUSE THERE ARE OVER 150 PEOPLE MAULED BY BEARS IN THIS

BECAUSE THERE ARE OVER 150 PEOPLE MAULED BY BEARS IN THIS COUNTRY EVERY YEAR.

PEOPLE MAULED BY BEARS IN THIS COUNTRY EVERY YEAR. YOU KNOW, THE MEDIA HAS

COUNTRY EVERY YEAR. YOU KNOW, THE MEDIA HAS PORTRAYED THE BEAR AS KIND OF A

YOU KNOW, THE MEDIA HAS PORTRAYED THE BEAR AS KIND OF A FRIENDLY, JOVIAL CHARACTER.

PORTRAYED THE BEAR AS KIND OF A FRIENDLY, JOVIAL CHARACTER. YOU GOT SMOKEY THE BEAR,

FRIENDLY, JOVIAL CHARACTER. YOU GOT SMOKEY THE BEAR, SUGAR BEAR, YOGI BEAR, BOO BOO.

YOU GOT SMOKEY THE BEAR, SUGAR BEAR, YOGI BEAR, BOO BOO. THE TRUTH IS, THE BEAR IS A VERY

SUGAR BEAR, YOGI BEAR, BOO BOO. THE TRUTH IS, THE BEAR IS A VERY DANGEROUS ANIMAL.

THE TRUTH IS, THE BEAR IS A VERY DANGEROUS ANIMAL. WELL, I HAVEN'T HAD TIME TO

DANGEROUS ANIMAL. WELL, I HAVEN'T HAD TIME TO ACTUALLY READ YOUR BOOK, BOB.

WELL, I HAVEN'T HAD TIME TO ACTUALLY READ YOUR BOOK, BOB. BUT WHAT EXACTLY WAS YOUR MAIN

ACTUALLY READ YOUR BOOK, BOB. BUT WHAT EXACTLY WAS YOUR MAIN INTEREST IN WRITING "MAULED"?

BUT WHAT EXACTLY WAS YOUR MAIN INTEREST IN WRITING "MAULED"? JANE, I WANTED TO WARN PEOPLE

INTEREST IN WRITING "MAULED"? JANE, I WANTED TO WARN PEOPLE ABOUT THE DANGERS OF FEEDING

JANE, I WANTED TO WARN PEOPLE ABOUT THE DANGERS OF FEEDING MARSHMALLOWS TO GRIZZLY BEARS.

ABOUT THE DANGERS OF FEEDING MARSHMALLOWS TO GRIZZLY BEARS. WELL, I CAN SEE HERE, FROM

MARSHMALLOWS TO GRIZZLY BEARS. WELL, I CAN SEE HERE, FROM THE BOOK JACKET, THAT YOU PUT A

WELL, I CAN SEE HERE, FROM THE BOOK JACKET, THAT YOU PUT A LARGE PART OF THE BLAME ON THE

THE BOOK JACKET, THAT YOU PUT A LARGE PART OF THE BLAME ON THE NATIONAL PARK SERVICE.

LARGE PART OF THE BLAME ON THE NATIONAL PARK SERVICE. YOU FEEL THAT THEY'RE NOT DOING

NATIONAL PARK SERVICE. YOU FEEL THAT THEY'RE NOT DOING ALL THEY CAN TO PREVENT BEAR

YOU FEEL THAT THEY'RE NOT DOING ALL THEY CAN TO PREVENT BEAR ATTACKS.

ALL THEY CAN TO PREVENT BEAR ATTACKS. THAT'S RIGHT, AND I HAVE SOME

ATTACKS. THAT'S RIGHT, AND I HAVE SOME PROPOSALS.

THAT'S RIGHT, AND I HAVE SOME PROPOSALS. FIRST OF ALL, THERE SHOULD BE

PROPOSALS. FIRST OF ALL, THERE SHOULD BE SIGNS POSTED PROMINENTLY ON ALL

FIRST OF ALL, THERE SHOULD BE SIGNS POSTED PROMINENTLY ON ALL NATIONAL PARK ENTRANCES SAYING

SIGNS POSTED PROMINENTLY ON ALL NATIONAL PARK ENTRANCES SAYING "DO NOT RIDE THE BEARS."

NATIONAL PARK ENTRANCES SAYING "DO NOT RIDE THE BEARS." SECONDLY, PARK RANGERS SHOULD

"DO NOT RIDE THE BEARS." SECONDLY, PARK RANGERS SHOULD WARN CAMPERS... IF THEY FIND

SECONDLY, PARK RANGERS SHOULD WARN CAMPERS... IF THEY FIND BEAR CUBS, LEAVE THEM ALONE.

WARN CAMPERS... IF THEY FIND BEAR CUBS, LEAVE THEM ALONE. DON'T TRY TO DRESS THEM UP IN

BEAR CUBS, LEAVE THEM ALONE. DON'T TRY TO DRESS THEM UP IN CHILDREN'S CLOTHES OR SWIMSUITS,

DON'T TRY TO DRESS THEM UP IN CHILDREN'S CLOTHES OR SWIMSUITS, WHAT HAVE YOU.

CHILDREN'S CLOTHES OR SWIMSUITS, WHAT HAVE YOU. MAKES A GREAT PICTURE, BUT

WHAT HAVE YOU. MAKES A GREAT PICTURE, BUT YOU'RE JUST PLAYING WITH FIRE.

MAKES A GREAT PICTURE, BUT YOU'RE JUST PLAYING WITH FIRE. THIRD, AND I WANT TO EMPHASIZE,

YOU'RE JUST PLAYING WITH FIRE. THIRD, AND I WANT TO EMPHASIZE, NEVER FEED A MARSHMALLOW TO A

THIRD, AND I WANT TO EMPHASIZE, NEVER FEED A MARSHMALLOW TO A GRIZZLY BEAR LIKE THIS.

WELL, THANK YOU FOR BEING ON "LOOKS AT BOOKS," BOB. MAYBE WE'LL HAVE YOU BACK

"LOOKS AT BOOKS," BOB. MAYBE WE'LL HAVE YOU BACK SOMETIME.

MAYBE WE'LL HAVE YOU BACK SOMETIME. ARE YOU PLANNING TO WRITE

SOMETIME. ARE YOU PLANNING TO WRITE ANOTHER BOOK?

ARE YOU PLANNING TO WRITE ANOTHER BOOK? GOSH, I CERTAINLY HOPE NOT.

ANOTHER BOOK? GOSH, I CERTAINLY HOPE NOT. THIS HAS BEEN JANE CURTIN FOR

GOSH, I CERTAINLY HOPE NOT. THIS HAS BEEN JANE CURTIN FOR "LOOKS AT BOOKS."

THIS HAS BEEN JANE CURTIN FOR "LOOKS AT BOOKS." GOOD NIGHT.

"LOOKS AT BOOKS." GOOD NIGHT. [THEME MUSIC PLAYS]

Announcer: ONCE AGAIN, HERE'S VAN MORRISON. [APPLAUSE]

VAN MORRISON. [APPLAUSE] ["KINGDOM HALL" PLAYS]

♪ SO GLAD TO SEE YOU ♪ ♪ SO GLAD YOU'RE HERE ♪ ♪ COME HERE BESIDE ME NOW ♪

♪ SO GLAD YOU'RE HERE ♪ ♪ COME HERE BESIDE ME NOW ♪ ♪ WE CAN CLEAR INHIBITION AWAY ♪

♪ COME HERE BESIDE ME NOW ♪ ♪ WE CAN CLEAR INHIBITION AWAY ♪ ♪ ALL INHIBITIONS ♪

♪ WE CAN CLEAR INHIBITION AWAY ♪ ♪ ALL INHIBITIONS ♪ ♪ THROW THEM AWAY ♪

♪ ALL INHIBITIONS ♪ ♪ THROW THEM AWAY ♪ ♪ AND WHEN WE DANCE LIKE THIS ♪

♪ THROW THEM AWAY ♪ ♪ AND WHEN WE DANCE LIKE THIS ♪ ♪ LIKE WE NEVER BEEN DANCIN'

♪ AND WHEN WE DANCE LIKE THIS ♪ ♪ LIKE WE NEVER BEEN DANCIN' BEFORE ♪

♪ LIKE WE NEVER BEEN DANCIN' BEFORE ♪ ♪ OH, THEY WERE SWINGIN'

BEFORE ♪ ♪ OH, THEY WERE SWINGIN' DOWN AT THE KINGDOM HALL ♪

♪ OH, THEY WERE SWINGIN' DOWN AT THE KINGDOM HALL ♪ ♪ ALL RIGHT ♪

DOWN AT THE KINGDOM HALL ♪ ♪ ALL RIGHT ♪ ♪ OH, BELLS WERE RINGIN'

♪ ALL RIGHT ♪ ♪ OH, BELLS WERE RINGIN' DOWN AT THE KINGDOM HALL ♪

♪ OH, BELLS WERE RINGIN' DOWN AT THE KINGDOM HALL ♪ ♪ A CHOIR ♪

DOWN AT THE KINGDOM HALL ♪ ♪ A CHOIR ♪ ♪ A CHOIR WAS SINGIN'

♪ A CHOIR ♪ ♪ A CHOIR WAS SINGIN' DOWN AT THE KINGDOM HALL ♪

♪ A CHOIR WAS SINGIN' DOWN AT THE KINGDOM HALL ♪ ♪ THEY WENT ♪

DOWN AT THE KINGDOM HALL ♪ ♪ THEY WENT ♪ ♪ HEY, LILEY, LILEY, LILEY ♪

♪ THEY WENT ♪ ♪ HEY, LILEY, LILEY, LILEY ♪ ♪ HEY, LILEY, LILEY, LO-O-O-W ♪

♪ HEY, LILEY, LILEY, LILEY ♪ ♪ HEY, LILEY, LILEY, LO-O-O-W ♪ ♪ DO DO DO-DO-DO DO DO DO-DO ♪

♪ HEY, LILEY, LILEY, LO-O-O-W ♪ ♪ DO DO DO-DO-DO DO DO DO-DO ♪ ♪ DO DO DO-DO-DO DO DO ♪

♪ DO DO DO-DO-DO DO DO DO-DO ♪ ♪ DO DO DO-DO-DO DO DO ♪ ♪ DO DO DO-DO-DO DO DO DO-DO ♪

♪ DO DO DO-DO-DO DO DO ♪ ♪ DO DO DO-DO-DO DO DO DO-DO ♪ ♪ DO DO DO-DO-DO DO DO ♪

♪ DO DO DO-DO-DO DO DO DO-DO ♪ ♪ DO DO DO-DO-DO DO DO ♪ ♪ WELL, THAT GOOD BODY MUSIC ♪

♪ DO DO DO-DO-DO DO DO ♪ ♪ WELL, THAT GOOD BODY MUSIC ♪ ♪ BRINGS YOU RIGHT HERE ♪

♪ WELL, THAT GOOD BODY MUSIC ♪ ♪ BRINGS YOU RIGHT HERE ♪ ♪ FREE-FLOWIN' MOTION, NOW ♪

♪ BRINGS YOU RIGHT HERE ♪ ♪ FREE-FLOWIN' MOTION, NOW ♪ ♪ WHEN WE'RE SHAKIN' IT OUT ON

♪ FREE-FLOWIN' MOTION, NOW ♪ ♪ WHEN WE'RE SHAKIN' IT OUT ON THE FLOOR ♪

♪ WHEN WE'RE SHAKIN' IT OUT ON THE FLOOR ♪ ♪ GOOD ROCKIN' MUSIC ♪

THE FLOOR ♪ ♪ GOOD ROCKIN' MUSIC ♪ ♪ DOWN IN YOUR SHOES ♪

♪ GOOD ROCKIN' MUSIC ♪ ♪ DOWN IN YOUR SHOES ♪ ♪ AND WHEN WE DANCE LIKE THIS ♪

♪ DOWN IN YOUR SHOES ♪ ♪ AND WHEN WE DANCE LIKE THIS ♪ ♪ LIKE WE NEVER BEEN DANCIN'

♪ AND WHEN WE DANCE LIKE THIS ♪ ♪ LIKE WE NEVER BEEN DANCIN' BEFORE ♪

♪ LIKE WE NEVER BEEN DANCIN' BEFORE ♪ ♪ OH, THEY WERE SWINGIN'

BEFORE ♪ ♪ OH, THEY WERE SWINGIN' DOWN AT THE KINGDOM HALL ♪

♪ OH, THEY WERE SWINGIN' DOWN AT THE KINGDOM HALL ♪ ♪ OH, BELLS WERE RINGIN'

DOWN AT THE KINGDOM HALL ♪ ♪ OH, BELLS WERE RINGIN' DOWN AT THE KINGDOM HALL ♪

♪ OH, BELLS WERE RINGIN' DOWN AT THE KINGDOM HALL ♪ ♪ A CHOIR WAS SINGIN'

DOWN AT THE KINGDOM HALL ♪ ♪ A CHOIR WAS SINGIN' DOWN AT THE KINGDOM HALL ♪

♪ A CHOIR WAS SINGIN' DOWN AT THE KINGDOM HALL ♪ ♪ THEY WENT ♪

DOWN AT THE KINGDOM HALL ♪ ♪ THEY WENT ♪ ♪ HEY, LILEY, LILEY, LILEY ♪

♪ THEY WENT ♪ ♪ HEY, LILEY, LILEY, LILEY ♪ ♪ HEY, LILEY, LILEY, LO-O-O-W ♪

♪ HEY, LILEY, LILEY, LILEY ♪ ♪ HEY, LILEY, LILEY, LO-O-O-W ♪ ♪ DO DO DO-DO-DO DO DO DO-DO ♪

♪ HEY, LILEY, LILEY, LO-O-O-W ♪ ♪ DO DO DO-DO-DO DO DO DO-DO ♪ ♪ DO DO DO-DO-DO ♪

♪ DO DO DO-DO-DO DO DO DO-DO ♪ ♪ DO DO DO-DO-DO ♪ ♪ DO DO DO-DO-DO DO ♪

♪ DO DO DO-DO-DO ♪ ♪ DO DO DO-DO-DO DO ♪ ♪ DO DO DO-DO-DO ♪

♪ DO DO DO-DO-DO DO ♪ ♪ DO DO DO-DO-DO ♪ ♪ ALL RIGHT ♪

♪ DO DO DO-DO-DO ♪ ♪ ALL RIGHT ♪ [GUITAR SOLO]

♪ OH, THEY WERE SWINGIN' DOWN AT THE KINGDOM HALL ♪ ♪ OH, BELLS WERE RINGIN'

DOWN AT THE KINGDOM HALL ♪ ♪ OH, BELLS WERE RINGIN' DOWN AT THE KINGDOM HALL ♪

♪ OH, BELLS WERE RINGIN' DOWN AT THE KINGDOM HALL ♪ ♪ OH, A CHOIR WAS SINGIN'

DOWN AT THE KINGDOM HALL ♪ ♪ OH, A CHOIR WAS SINGIN' DOWN AT THE KINGDOM HALL ♪

♪ OH, A CHOIR WAS SINGIN' DOWN AT THE KINGDOM HALL ♪ ♪ THEY WENT ♪

DOWN AT THE KINGDOM HALL ♪ ♪ THEY WENT ♪ ♪ HEY, LILEY, LILEY, LILEY ♪

♪ THEY WENT ♪ ♪ HEY, LILEY, LILEY, LILEY ♪ ♪ HEY, LILEY, LILEY, LO-O-O-W ♪

♪ HEY, LILEY, LILEY, LILEY ♪ ♪ HEY, LILEY, LILEY, LO-O-O-W ♪ ♪ DO DO DO-DO-DO DO ♪

♪ HEY, LILEY, LILEY, LO-O-O-W ♪ ♪ DO DO DO-DO-DO DO ♪ ♪ DO DO DO-DO-DO ♪

♪ DO DO DO-DO-DO DO ♪ ♪ DO DO DO-DO-DO ♪ ♪ DO DO DO-DO-DO DO DO DO-DO ♪

♪ DO DO DO-DO-DO ♪ ♪ DO DO DO-DO-DO DO DO DO-DO ♪ ♪ DO DO DO-DO-DO ♪

♪ DO DO DO-DO-DO DO DO DO-DO ♪ ♪ DO DO DO-DO-DO ♪ ♪ OH, THEY WERE SWINGIN'

♪ DO DO DO-DO-DO ♪ ♪ OH, THEY WERE SWINGIN' DOWN AT THE KINGDOM HALL ♪

♪ OH, THEY WERE SWINGIN' DOWN AT THE KINGDOM HALL ♪ ♪ OH, BELLS WERE RINGIN'

DOWN AT THE KINGDOM HALL ♪ ♪ OH, BELLS WERE RINGIN' DOWN AT THE KINGDOM HALL ♪

♪ OH, BELLS WERE RINGIN' DOWN AT THE KINGDOM HALL ♪ ♪ A CHOIR WAS SINGIN'

DOWN AT THE KINGDOM HALL ♪ ♪ A CHOIR WAS SINGIN' DOWN AT THE KINGDOM HALL ♪

♪ A CHOIR WAS SINGIN' DOWN AT THE KINGDOM HALL ♪ ♪ THEY WENT ♪

DOWN AT THE KINGDOM HALL ♪ ♪ THEY WENT ♪ ♪ HEY, LILEY, LILEY, LILEY ♪

♪ THEY WENT ♪ ♪ HEY, LILEY, LILEY, LILEY ♪ ♪ HEY, LILEY, LILEY, LO-O-O-W ♪

BOY, GILDA, IT'S GREAT TO FINALLY GET OUT OF THAT STUDIO. I'LL SAY.

FINALLY GET OUT OF THAT STUDIO. I'LL SAY. IT'S NICE TO BE ABLE TO SPEND

I'LL SAY. IT'S NICE TO BE ABLE TO SPEND SOME TIME WITH SOMEONE ALONE,

IT'S NICE TO BE ABLE TO SPEND SOME TIME WITH SOMEONE ALONE, GILDA.

SOME TIME WITH SOMEONE ALONE, GILDA. YOU KNOW, THIS IS THE SIXTH SHOW

GILDA. YOU KNOW, THIS IS THE SIXTH SHOW I'VE DONE, AND I GUESS I FEEL

YOU KNOW, THIS IS THE SIXTH SHOW I'VE DONE, AND I GUESS I FEEL WE'VE BECOME GOOD FRIENDS...

I'VE DONE, AND I GUESS I FEEL WE'VE BECOME GOOD FRIENDS... ALMOST KINDRED SPIRITS.

WE'VE BECOME GOOD FRIENDS... ALMOST KINDRED SPIRITS. YEAH, I KNOW JUST HOW YOU

ALMOST KINDRED SPIRITS. YEAH, I KNOW JUST HOW YOU FEEL, STEVE.

YEAH, I KNOW JUST HOW YOU FEEL, STEVE. GILDA...

FEEL, STEVE. GILDA... [CLEARS THROAT]

GILDA... [CLEARS THROAT] THERE'S SOMETHING I HAVE TO TALK

[CLEARS THROAT] THERE'S SOMETHING I HAVE TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT.

THERE'S SOMETHING I HAVE TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT. YEAH?

TO YOU ABOUT. YEAH? YOUR MENUS.

YEAH? YOUR MENUS. OH, THANK YOU.

YOUR MENUS. OH, THANK YOU. THANKS.

OH, THANK YOU. THANKS. YOU'RE WELCOME.

THANKS. YOU'RE WELCOME. YOU KNOW, I'M VERY HONORED TO

YOU'RE WELCOME. YOU KNOW, I'M VERY HONORED TO HAVE YOU HERE.

YOU KNOW, I'M VERY HONORED TO HAVE YOU HERE. I'M A BIG FAN OF BOTH OF YOURS,

HAVE YOU HERE. I'M A BIG FAN OF BOTH OF YOURS, AND, YOU KNOW, WHEN I SAW IT WAS

I'M A BIG FAN OF BOTH OF YOURS, AND, YOU KNOW, WHEN I SAW IT WAS YOU AND MISS RADNER, I MADE SURE

AND, YOU KNOW, WHEN I SAW IT WAS YOU AND MISS RADNER, I MADE SURE THE STAFF... THE CHEF WOULD STAY

YOU AND MISS RADNER, I MADE SURE THE STAFF... THE CHEF WOULD STAY AN EXTRA HOUR.

THE STAFF... THE CHEF WOULD STAY AN EXTRA HOUR. WE WERE ABOUT TO CLOSE, BUT

AN EXTRA HOUR. WE WERE ABOUT TO CLOSE, BUT EVERYTHING'S FINE NOW.

WE WERE ABOUT TO CLOSE, BUT EVERYTHING'S FINE NOW. THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

EVERYTHING'S FINE NOW. THANK YOU VERY MUCH. I CAN'T TELL YOU HOW NICE IT IS

THANK YOU VERY MUCH. I CAN'T TELL YOU HOW NICE IT IS TO EAT IN A RESTAURANT ALONE.

I CAN'T TELL YOU HOW NICE IT IS TO EAT IN A RESTAURANT ALONE. THANKS FOR KEEPING THE PLACE

TO EAT IN A RESTAURANT ALONE. THANKS FOR KEEPING THE PLACE OPEN FOR US.

THANKS FOR KEEPING THE PLACE OPEN FOR US. OKAY.

OPEN FOR US. OKAY. I'M SURE YOU GET BOTHERED A LOT,

OKAY. I'M SURE YOU GET BOTHERED A LOT, YOU KNOW?

I'M SURE YOU GET BOTHERED A LOT, YOU KNOW? YEAH, SOMETIMES.

YOU KNOW? YEAH, SOMETIMES. I'LL HAVE THE VEGETABLE PLATE.

YEAH, SOMETIMES. I'LL HAVE THE VEGETABLE PLATE. MAY I RECOMMEND THE LAMB

I'LL HAVE THE VEGETABLE PLATE. MAY I RECOMMEND THE LAMB CHOPS?

MAY I RECOMMEND THE LAMB CHOPS? THEY'RE ESPECIALLY GOOD.

CHOPS? THEY'RE ESPECIALLY GOOD. OH, I'M A VEGETARIAN, SO THAT

THEY'RE ESPECIALLY GOOD. OH, I'M A VEGETARIAN, SO THAT WOULDN'T BE FOR ME.

OH, I'M A VEGETARIAN, SO THAT WOULDN'T BE FOR ME. [As Steve] WELL, EXCU-U-SE

WOULDN'T BE FOR ME. [As Steve] WELL, EXCU-U-SE ME!

[As Steve] WELL, EXCU-U-SE ME! [LAUGHS]

ME! [LAUGHS] I-I'LL HAVE THE LAMB CHOPS.

[LAUGHS] I-I'LL HAVE THE LAMB CHOPS. [Normal voice] HOW WOULD

I-I'LL HAVE THE LAMB CHOPS. [Normal voice] HOW WOULD YOU LIKE THEM?

[Normal voice] HOW WOULD YOU LIKE THEM? WELL DONE.

YOU LIKE THEM? WELL DONE. OH, NO.

WELL DONE. OH, NO. RAMS ARE WELL HUNG.

OH, NO. RAMS ARE WELL HUNG. LAMBS ARE NOT WELL HUNG.

RAMS ARE WELL HUNG. LAMBS ARE NOT WELL HUNG. I-I SAID "WELL DONE."

LAMBS ARE NOT WELL HUNG. I-I SAID "WELL DONE." [As Emily Litella] OH,

I-I SAID "WELL DONE." [As Emily Litella] OH, NEVER MIND!

[As Emily Litella] OH, NEVER MIND! [LAUGHS]

NEVER MIND! [LAUGHS] UH, GILDA, MY GIRLFRIEND AND

[LAUGHS] UH, GILDA, MY GIRLFRIEND AND I ARE VERY CLOSE, AND I'VE JUST

UH, GILDA, MY GIRLFRIEND AND I ARE VERY CLOSE, AND I'VE JUST BEEN... WELL, I JUST FOUND OUT

I ARE VERY CLOSE, AND I'VE JUST BEEN... WELL, I JUST FOUND OUT THAT SHE HAS A TERMINAL ILLNESS,

BEEN... WELL, I JUST FOUND OUT THAT SHE HAS A TERMINAL ILLNESS, AND I WAS WONDERING IF YOU COULD

THAT SHE HAS A TERMINAL ILLNESS, AND I WAS WONDERING IF YOU COULD HELP ME THROUGH THIS DIFFICULT

AND I WAS WONDERING IF YOU COULD HELP ME THROUGH THIS DIFFICULT PERIOD.

HELP ME THROUGH THIS DIFFICULT PERIOD. OH, STEVE.

PERIOD. OH, STEVE. WHY, THAT'S TERRIBLE.

OH, STEVE. WHY, THAT'S TERRIBLE. AND YET IT SOUNDS VERY

WHY, THAT'S TERRIBLE. AND YET IT SOUNDS VERY INTRIGUING.

AND YET IT SOUNDS VERY INTRIGUING. A COMPLIMENTARY BOTTLE OF

INTRIGUING. A COMPLIMENTARY BOTTLE OF WINE FROM ME, THE WAITER,

A COMPLIMENTARY BOTTLE OF WINE FROM ME, THE WAITER, RICHIE ROBERTS, TO A WILD AND

WINE FROM ME, THE WAITER, RICHIE ROBERTS, TO A WILD AND CRAZY GUY!

RICHIE ROBERTS, TO A WILD AND CRAZY GUY! [LAUGHS]

CRAZY GUY! [LAUGHS] AND TO A WILD AND CWAZY

[LAUGHS] AND TO A WILD AND CWAZY BAWBWA WAWA!

AND TO A WILD AND CWAZY BAWBWA WAWA! WIGHT, BAWBWA?!

BAWBWA WAWA! WIGHT, BAWBWA?! RIGHT. RIGHT.

WIGHT, BAWBWA?! RIGHT. RIGHT. UM, SO, HOW LONG DOES YOUR

RIGHT. RIGHT. UM, SO, HOW LONG DOES YOUR GIRLFRIEND HAVE TO LIVE?

UM, SO, HOW LONG DOES YOUR GIRLFRIEND HAVE TO LIVE? JUST A MATTER OF MONTHS,

GIRLFRIEND HAVE TO LIVE? JUST A MATTER OF MONTHS, MAYBE WEEKS.

JUST A MATTER OF MONTHS, MAYBE WEEKS. SHE'S THE... SHE TOLD ME THAT

MAYBE WEEKS. SHE'S THE... SHE TOLD ME THAT YOU WERE THE ONE GIRL THAT SHE

SHE'S THE... SHE TOLD ME THAT YOU WERE THE ONE GIRL THAT SHE WOULDN'T MIND ME SEEING WHILE

YOU WERE THE ONE GIRL THAT SHE WOULDN'T MIND ME SEEING WHILE SHE WAS DYING.

WOULDN'T MIND ME SEEING WHILE SHE WAS DYING. OH, SHE MUST BE A WONDERFUL,

SHE WAS DYING. OH, SHE MUST BE A WONDERFUL, WONDERFUL WOMAN.

OH, SHE MUST BE A WONDERFUL, WONDERFUL WOMAN. [POUNDING]

WONDERFUL WOMAN. [POUNDING] HAPPY FEET! HAPPY FEET!

[POUNDING] HAPPY FEET! HAPPY FEET! HAPPY FEET! HAPPY FEET!

HAPPY FEET! HAPPY FEET! HAPPY FEET! HAPPY FEET! I HOPE YOU DON'T FIND ANY

HAPPY FEET! HAPPY FEET! I HOPE YOU DON'T FIND ANY TOENAILS OR BOOGERS IN THE

I HOPE YOU DON'T FIND ANY TOENAILS OR BOOGERS IN THE SALAD, ROSEANNE ROSANNADANNA.

TOENAILS OR BOOGERS IN THE SALAD, ROSEANNE ROSANNADANNA. LOOK, LOOK, WE APPRECIATE

SALAD, ROSEANNE ROSANNADANNA. LOOK, LOOK, WE APPRECIATE WHAT YOU'RE DOING, BUT WE'RE

LOOK, LOOK, WE APPRECIATE WHAT YOU'RE DOING, BUT WE'RE TALKING ABOUT SOMETHING VERY

WHAT YOU'RE DOING, BUT WE'RE TALKING ABOUT SOMETHING VERY INTIMATE AND WOULD APPRECIATE IT

TALKING ABOUT SOMETHING VERY INTIMATE AND WOULD APPRECIATE IT IF YOU WOULDN'T BOTHER US, ALL

INTIMATE AND WOULD APPRECIATE IT IF YOU WOULDN'T BOTHER US, ALL RIGHT?

IF YOU WOULDN'T BOTHER US, ALL RIGHT? [As Steve] WELL, EXCU-U-SE

RIGHT? [As Steve] WELL, EXCU-U-SE ME!

[As Steve] WELL, EXCU-U-SE ME! LOOK, WOULD YOU JUST LEAVE US

ME! LOOK, WOULD YOU JUST LEAVE US ALONE AND STOP BOTHERING US,

LOOK, WOULD YOU JUST LEAVE US ALONE AND STOP BOTHERING US, PLEASE?

ALONE AND STOP BOTHERING US, PLEASE? WELL, EXCU-U-SE ME!

PLEASE? WELL, EXCU-U-SE ME! NOW, STOP IT!

WELL, EXCU-U-SE ME! NOW, STOP IT! WE ARE HUMAN BEINGS!

NOW, STOP IT! WE ARE HUMAN BEINGS! WE HAVE A RIGHT TO SOME PRIVACY!

WE ARE HUMAN BEINGS! WE HAVE A RIGHT TO SOME PRIVACY! [Normal voice] OH, COME ON!

WE HAVE A RIGHT TO SOME PRIVACY! [Normal voice] OH, COME ON! WHY DID YOU GO INTO SHOW

[Normal voice] OH, COME ON! WHY DID YOU GO INTO SHOW BUSINESS, ANYWAY?

WHY DID YOU GO INTO SHOW BUSINESS, ANYWAY? TO BE FAMOUS, RIGHT?

BUSINESS, ANYWAY? TO BE FAMOUS, RIGHT? NO, WE WANTED TO BE ARTISTS!

TO BE FAMOUS, RIGHT? NO, WE WANTED TO BE ARTISTS! WELL, THEN WHY DID YOU GO ON

NO, WE WANTED TO BE ARTISTS! WELL, THEN WHY DID YOU GO ON THE BOB HOPE SPECIAL?

WELL, THEN WHY DID YOU GO ON THE BOB HOPE SPECIAL? WELL, THE BOB HOPE SPECIAL,

THE BOB HOPE SPECIAL? WELL, THE BOB HOPE SPECIAL, YOU DO THAT, YOU DO

WELL, THE BOB HOPE SPECIAL, YOU DO THAT, YOU DO "THE TONIGHT SHOW"...

YOU DO THAT, YOU DO "THE TONIGHT SHOW"... EVERYTHING!

"THE TONIGHT SHOW"... EVERYTHING! YOU DO "SATURDAY NIGHT"!

EVERYTHING! YOU DO "SATURDAY NIGHT"! IT'S ALL PART OF...

[MIDDLE-EASTERN MUSIC PLAYS] ♪ KING TUT ♪ YO, STICK AROUND.

♪ KING TUT ♪ YO, STICK AROUND. WE'LL FINISH THIS SKETCH ON

YO, STICK AROUND. WE'LL FINISH THIS SKETCH ON THE NEXT SHOW I'M ON, IN

WE'LL FINISH THIS SKETCH ON THE NEXT SHOW I'M ON, IN FEBRUARY.

THE NEXT SHOW I'M ON, IN FEBRUARY. WE HAD A TECHNICAL PROBLEM

FEBRUARY. WE HAD A TECHNICAL PROBLEM TONIGHT.

WE HAD A TECHNICAL PROBLEM TONIGHT. THANKS FOR BEARING WITH US!

TONIGHT. THANKS FOR BEARING WITH US! WE'LL SEE YOU LATER!