Original subtitles

[birds chirping]

[Taggie] Fancy a bite, Rupert?

Ugh, that's wrong.

Mr Campbell-Black, may I interest you in some pudding?

- [Rupert] Yes, you can. - [horse blusters]

[whispers] Oh, shit.

Uh, I was coming to find you.

Here's me thinking you were going to grandmother's house.

- [Basil chuckles] - My grandmother lives in Ireland.

Um, I had some leftovers from a job I did.

It's a spare jam roly-poly.

Can I interest you in a-a bite?

[stammers] A bit of it?

[Basil] I'll have one.

Hi, Bas. I made it with rhubarb.

Yeah.

[sniffs] Mmm. Oh, my God.

This is excellent. You're not having any?

No, I'm fine. [sighs] Should we head back?

- [clicks tongue] - [horse blusters]

Okay then.

Bye, darling.

- [Taggie] Bye. - Delicious.

Well, someone's got a huge schoolgirl crush.

Don't be ridiculous. She's just being thoughtful.

I was talking about you.

[chuckles] Roly-poly.

You lucky bugger.

I'm not lucky at all.

I promised Declan I wouldn't go anywhere near her.

Well, I'm glad to see you kept your promise.

[Basil, Rupert chuckle]

[♪ opera music playing]

[♪ "Everybody Wants to Rule the World" playing]

[radio reporter] And now, our TV pick of the week,

Declan O'Hara has been dominating the front pages,

pictured visiting 10 Downing Street with Minister for Sport,

Rupert Campbell-Black.

This week, Mrs Thatcher returns the invitation,

putting herself in the hot seat for a good O'Hara grilling.

As Declan's star rises even higher at Corinium than it did at the BBC,

we're asking ourselves,

"Is this the most powerful man in television?"

Mr O'Hara, Enid Spink.

- Big fan. I'll be watching Thursday. - Mm-hmm.

Give that milk-snatcher a run for her money.

I won't let her off easily.

You have my word.

Dame Enid, can I take you through to studio two?

We can't keep Mr Vereker waiting.

[♪ theme music playing]

Now, James, we have a real treat today, don't we?

Yes, Sarah. One of England's leading contemporary composers.

- And she is a Rutshire resident. - Ooh.

So let's have a warm Cotswold Round-Up welcome for our special guest,

Dame Edna Spink.

- [audience applauds] - [♪ theme music playing]

[James, Sarah] Ooh. [chuckle]

Ooh. [chuckles]

- [James] Ooh. - [chuckles]

Ah. [chuckles] Well, now that was quite an entrance, Dame Edna.

May I call you Edna?

As long as you're not going to ask me to put on a lilac wig

- and stuff my bra with loo roll. - [chuckles]

- [stammers] Apologies, Dame Enid. - [James, Sarah chuckle]

You really are a dumb blonde, aren't you, dear?

[Sarah chuckles]

- Well, thank you very much. [chuckles] - [Sarah chuckles]

- [Brian] So, uh, judges' desk here. - [Cameron] Mm-hmm.

[Brian] Smashing view of the girls in their swimwear.

- Ah, beauty contest. - You are not the only show I'm producing.

[chuckles]

Miss Corinium is exactly what the IBA wants to see us doing.

- Good regional wholesome fun. - Mm-hmm. It was Daysee's brainchild.

Daysee has a brain? [chuckles]

Who knew? [chuckles]

- Um, Declan? - [sucks teeth] Yeah.

Did you get me an autograph?

- Mrs Thatcher? - [groans]

I'm so sorry, Daysee. I completely forgot. I'll get it when she comes in, okay?

Okay, so how was the meeting?

You and Rupert looked pretty cosy in those photos.

- Was Thatcher friendly? - [scoffs] Define friendly.

Two boxers circling each other before the big fight.

[Declan] Thatcher?

She's my Wembley Stadium.

[sucks teeth]

Do you think I should save Northern Ireland for part two?

After the Sunday shopping bill?

This matters a lot to you.

I have wanted to interview her ever since she handbagged her way into number ten.

But the BBC would never let me at her,

show everyone who she really is.

Whatever she's doing, people want more of it.

She is selling the state off to the highest bidder.

Now she has turned this country into a land of haves and have-nots, Cameron.

And you're one of the haves.

Yeah. Well, I mean... [chuckles] ...I wasn't always.

- [chuckles] - Declan, sorry to disturb.

- Lord B wants you in his office right now. - [sighs]

Pardon me, Joyce.

A friend at Westminster slipped me something.

You're not going to believe it.

It's a draft of a white paper.

This is embargoed, right?

- Declan. - Yeah, yeah. Sorry, Joyce.

Um, tell Tony I'll catch up with him later, all right?

[huffs]

"A local authority shall not promote the teaching in any maintained school

of the acceptability of homosexuality as a pretended family relationship."

I mean, it's inhumane.

This is going to make gay people's lives harder than they already are.

Having a tea party?

[Declan] Inside track in a new government policy. Fascinating reading.

[inhales deeply] What do you need?

The PM's office has faxed a list of questions they want you to ask.

[scoffs] "How do you manage to balance motherhood and your demanding job?"

[chuckles]

"D-Do you miss Wilberforce the Cat now that he's retired?"

Is this a joke?

Well, if you don't agree, she won't do the interview.

Just tell them we agree.

And then when I get her on the show, I can ask me own questions.

You don't care that screwing the government might risk the franchise?

I care that conceding to this shite risks my reputation, our reputation.

Tony, he's right.

Once we're live, she can hardly walk off set, can she?

You promised me editorial freedom, Tony.

I'll ask what I want.

- This is my interview. - This is my company.

And I don't ask questions about fucking cats.

[elevator bell dings]

Get James Vereker up here now.

Tony, I--

It said Edna on the cue cards.

If anyone's head needs to roll here, it's Deirdre's.

Sit down.

[inhales deeply]

[♪ "Nothing's Gonna Stop Us Now" playing]

[chuckles]

[singing]

[elevator bell dings]

[music continues]

[chuckles]

No hard feelings.

[elevator bell dings]

[music continues]

[whispers] The Prime Minister?

Declan is yesterday's news.

I feel honoured sharing that sofa with you.

Well, after my Thatcher interview,

there is a very good chance you'll be on that sofa alone.

I won't be able to film a teatime show when I've got the prime-time slot.

[chuckles] Well, do you think I'm good enough to fly solo?

Paul never even watches our show.

Does, um-- Does Lizzie?

Oh, Lizzie? No, she's always too busy writing.

[sighs] I don't know why she bothers. It'll just get rejected like the last one.

Well, if I were your wife, I wouldn't be able to take my eyes off you for a second.

Oh?

What the fuck are you playing at?

No one wants to see Vereker interview the Prime Minister.

Better than watching you interview an empty chair.

You'll have to get Rupert back for another love-in.

- [chuckles] - Oh, okay.

This is because I didn't eviscerate Rupert for you like you wanted?

No, it's because you won't do what you're bloody well told.

I bring 20 million viewers to your station each week.

If you don't like the way I work, then I quit.

You might own Corinium, Tony, but you don't own me.

[Tony] Hmm. As it happens, I sort of do.

Firstly, there's that tax bill I cleared for you.

Secondly, well, I was warned you were hard to control.

Luckily, I got a little insurance policy.

Patrick's, uh, godfather, I gather,

got rather close to Maud last year, didn't he?

Your wife certainly likes a man with a moustache.

[scoffs]

You have no idea.

Maud and I don't have secrets.

All right.

[sucks teeth]

But I wonder how happy young Taggie is gonna be

when she sees her mother's naked arse across the centrefold of the Scorpion.

Be sure to cancel any plans you have for Friday night.

Your 20 million viewers will be watching you judge a beauty contest.

Bingo.

Fuck!

- [horn honks] - Fuck! [echoing]

- You're home early. - I've taken the week off.

I can finally fix the roof.

[sniffs] And mow the lawn.

[stammers] So, what about Mrs Thatcher?

- Tony's given it to Vereker. - Why? What did you do?

I didn't do anything.

Well, I'm surprised you didn't resign on the spot then.

I would have, but as it turns out, I couldn't.

- What does that mean? - [door opens]

[door slams]

[Maud groans]

[footsteps departing]

[James] Prime Minister.

[Lizzie imitating Prime Minister] Yes, Mr Vereker.

[James] How is it you manage to be the perfect woman,

balancing motherhood and our country with such effortless grace?

[Lizzie chuckles] Well, any woman who understands the problems

of running a home

will be nearer to understanding the difficulties of running a country.

And next, the one about her relationship with Reagan?

[normal] No, I'd go for something more personal,

while you have her in a soft mood.

Oh, yeah. You might be right.

- This is fun, isn't it? - [grunting]

Like your days on the Bristol Post when we used to practise together.

- Got another one. Ready? - Yes.

- [inhales sharply] - Okay. Uh...

[clears throat]

How do the men in your cabinet respond to your authority, Prime Minister?

[imitating Prime Minister] Well, Mr Vereker-- Or can I call you James?

[chuckles]

The way I see it, being powerful is like being a lady.

If you have to tell people you are...

[normal] ...then you aren't.

What are you doing?

Just trying to have a bit of fun.

- Please don't. - Okay.

- You're not 26 anymore. - No.

Um... [sighs] ...right.

[announcer] The train now arriving on platform two

is the 8:36 to London Paddington.

[train brakes squealing]

[person] "Letty's nipples hardened with desire

as Ferdy led her through the kitchen.

And in the darkness of the scullery, he lifted her red taffeta skirt.

His fingers sought out the ladder in her tights.

'I love a ladder,' Ferdy whispered gruffly.

'Stairway to heaven and all that.'

Letty gasped urgently

as he lingered on the soft fleshy openings in the nylon.

Step by step, he climbed his way up her inner thigh

until he could feel the biblical heat of her burning bush."

- [patrons gasp] - You're a genius.

- It's going to be a smash hit. - [giggling]

- Darling, we both know this isn't James. - [scoffs]

You simply have to be playing away.

Oh, I've-- I've been far too busy writing, Carole.

You know what they say. Keep the drama on the page.

I've never heard such nonsense.

Now tell me. This man of yours, our hero,

he's simply too good not to be true.

[baby crying]

- [chuckles] Freddie Jones. - [chuckles]

What are you doing here?

Long, hard day at the coalface. I saw you running down the platform.

Oh, lunch ran on.

I was plied with champagne and completely lost track of time.

Gentlemen buying you champagne, no less than you deserve.

[chuckles] Today was good.

I was actually celebrating with my agent.

She loved the first three chapters of my book.

[chuckles]

Well, why don't we continue the celebration in first class?

I only have a second-class ticket.

If the conductor comes, I'll pay the difference.

Come on.

[chuckles]

I can't imagine how clever you got to be to write a book.

I don't think I could have done any of it without your incredible equipment.

- [chuckles] - [chuckles] I mean, your word processor.

[chuckles]

Oh. Ah.

- Mmm. - No, no. Valerie would kill me.

She's got me on the Scarsdale diet.

I've only had two boiled eggs today.

[chuckles] Well, then you must eat.

Is it fruit cake?

- I made it. - [exhales sharply] Giz it here.

Personally, I find diets have the opposite effect.

They just make me fatter.

- [chuckles] - Oh, wow.

Tickets, please. Ladies and gents, have your tickets ready.

Looks like we're not gonna get away with it after all.

No, you don't. Complete waste of money.

Come on. We're nearly at our stop.

- [Lizzie chuckling] - [Freddie] Lock it. [chuckling]

Bit of a tight squeeze.

[chuckling] Maybe we should both be on the Scarsdale diet.

[chuckling]

Perhaps I should have just paid.

Absolutely not.

And miss all the fun?

[announcer] Next stop, Cotchester.

We will shortly be arriving at Cotchester station.

[both chuckling]

- [whistle blows] - Thank you for saving me £2.50.

Thank you for saving me from falling asleep

and waking up in Gloucester.

[announcer] The train now leaving platform one...

[gasps] My chapters.

Oh, I left them.

Bugger.

No.

Careful, Freddie.

Oh. [chuckles]

[chuckles]

[panting]

- Keeping busy, Charles? - [Charles] Good morning, Tony.

Morning, girls.

[clicks tongue]

Excited to meet the Iron Lady?

You should be. She's the only woman I've ever met

who's a tougher bitch than you.

I hope you're not still sulking.

The country wants to see Thatcher locking horns with Declan,

not that dipshit, James Vereker.

This is self-sabotage, Tony.

Call Declan. He can be here in half an hour.

Forget Declan. I've got something to cheer you up.

Cuatros Hombres Agrícolas has been nominated for an award.

Four Men Went To Mow.

You're gonna need to brush up on your Spanish

if you're gonna go to Málaga next month to collect it.

- An award? - We're big in Spain, apparently.

- [chuckles] - What say we go together?

Stay in a hotel, walk the red carpet.

Just the two of us.

[Cameron] Hmm.

Now am I forgiven?

- Call Declan. - No.

[♪ "White Riot" playing]

All right, everyone. True Blue Tory smiles, please.

Where's the photographer?

Come on. Come on. Up front. Right there.

Get the shot as soon as she steps out the car, yes?

A nice big one for the office wall.

[music stops]

Is that-- She's due, right?

- Yeah, she's due. She's late. - That's all right.

- [music continues] - [cheering]

There she is. Come on, you lot, we're making history here!

Come on! Imagine it's George Michael.

[cheering continues]

Mrs Thatcher, welcome to Corinium.

[presenter] And now for a very special episode of Declan,

featuring none other than our Prime Minister, Mrs Thatcher.

[♪ theme music plays]

[presenter 2] Ladies and gentlemen,

please welcome to the stage tonight's guest presenter, James Vereker.

[audience cheers]

[sighs]

[James chuckles] Stop it. You're too kind.

I know what you're thinking.

"When did Declan become so handsome?"

- [door opens] - [footsteps approaching]

Got some ingredients for a Bolognese.

I thought it might tempt Daddy out of his study.

He's watching the interview.

Mummy, you should have stopped him.

A long time since I've had any influence.

Don't cook for me.

Not hungry.

[door closes]

[line rings]

- [Malhar] Yes? - Malhar, darling.

Uh, did I disturb you?

Everything about you disturbs me, Mrs O'Hara.

[breathes shakily]

I can't bear it any longer. I need to see you.

[door opens, closes]

[grunts]

[whines]

What's wrong with your father? They're saying he's ill.

Where is he?

Declan?

Declan?

- [sighs] - [motor rumbles]

People are saying you're ill.

- You don't look ill, just paralytic. - Fuck off, Rupert.

The PM knew you'd never show her caring side, so she dodged the fight.

She knows what she's doing.

And now, thanks to James Vereker,

we all know what Denis got for his birthday.

And that she swaps recipes with Nancy Reagan.

Tony should have let me at her, Rupert.

- Give me the bottle. Jesus. - [grunts] Give me that.

- Taggie. - Stop it.

- [Taggie] Come on. - [Rupert strains]

Come on. Up you get, big boy.

- Up, up, up, up, up. - [Declan sucks teeth]

I'm sorry, Tag.

[snoring]

[sighs]

He'll have one hell of a hangover in the morning.

He has one every morning now.

Mummy's given up, so it's all me and--

I don't know how men work.

It's people. I don't understand them.

How to help them.

[breathes heavily] Could you--

Yeah, I'm gonna be here first thing. I'll bring him round. Don't worry.

[inhales sharply] Your supper's gone cold.

I can heat it up. There's more if you wanna stay.

See you in the morning.

[Lizzie] Ferdy's hands roamed over Letty's back and hips,

gripping her tightly as he drove her towards the edge of pleasure.

Finally, with a cry of release, they both came together,

their bodies convulsing with the force of their shared orgasm.

- Freddie! - [Diana Moran] Good morning.

Well, today and every day this week,

- we're going to be in the studio... - [Valerie] Fred-Fred!

- Fred-Fred! - Shit.

What on earth is going on? The Green Goddess is waiting.

Were you looking at pornography?

I swear on my life I was not.

It's you look sexy in that.

Honestly, Frederick, time and a place.

And now we've missed our chance to go for the burn.

[door slams closed]

[laughs] Freddie.

I wanted to bring this back.

That was so kind of you.

- You looked like Superman... - [chuckles]

...running after the train.

I'm sorry, I, uh...

I wondered if you might agree to come to lunch with me.

I mean, not now.

- Not in my dressing gown. - [chuckles]

I was thinking maybe the Black Horse in Bisley, you know, it's very, uh--

Discreet.

Exactly.

I can't tell you how many times in the last few weeks

I've hoped you'd ask me a question like this.

Now you're here...

I realise that I can't.

I'm so sorry, Freddie.

Uh, I'm married.

[chuckles]

Thank you, though, for asking...

and for the manuscript.

I hope you don't mind...

I read your chapters.

Oh.

[scoffs]

They were brilliant...

and sexy...

like you.

Thank you.

[Ellie] Mummy, where are you?

Mummy!

Coming.

[Caitlin] Thank you.

- [Rupert] There she is. - [Caitlin] Taggie.

Oh, my God. Caitlin, have you been expelled?

I've got an exeat.

[scoffs] I'm used to Mummy and Daddy forgetting about me, not you, Tag.

[Rupert] Caught her hitchhiking from Cotchester Station.

I'm so sorry. Are you okay?

- Your father where I left him? - Hmm. Yeah.

I'm taking him out.

Thank you.

Declan, we're going to lunch, then I want your opinion on a horse.

Is Mummy still in bed too?

No, she left before I got up.

[driver] Just here?

[Maud] Keep the change, yeah? Thank you.

[exhales sharply]

[sighs]

[doorbell ringing]

[exhales shakily]

Ah. It's not like you to be early.

I've missed you.

[sighs]

[exhales sharply]

Oh, it's very tempting.

But I actually have something else in mind.

- [birds chirping] - [dog barking in distance]

Henry Hampshire spotted him the other day.

Alan doesn't realise how good his bloodline is.

His grandsire was a marvel.

Look how long the legs are.

Is that what you look for?

This age, you want them still a bit gangly, awkward.

Bit of an ugly gelding, but you can see the swan he'll grow into.

Sometimes you can just tell by the eyes.

A lot to be said for a pair of kind, honest eyes.

What's his name?

Hmm, Venturer.

Hmm.

Yeah, sold. Alan?

I'll take him off your hands, see what I can do with him.

Shall we say two and a half?

[sighs] Sorry, Mr Campbell-Black. [stammers]

I've just had an offer I can't afford to refuse.

[Rupert] What the fuck, Freddie?

Sorry, Rupe, didn't know it was you.

Hampshire tipped me off. He was going on the low side.

I don't like doing things on the cheap, so I've offered him five grand.

Fi--

I've always wanted a racehorse. [chuckles]

Unless you fancy a syndicate.

[all chuckling]

- [Freddie] Valerie was fuming. - [Rupert chuckles]

You-- You know, she thinks you're a very bad man.

- Oh, is she a good judge of character? - She's had practise.

She's been judging my character since we were 15.

- Fifteen? - Yeah, she's a good girl.

She's stuck by me through thick and thin.

You know, I've-- I've never even had another girlfriend.

- [chuckling] - [Freddie] He's speechless. Look at him.

Look.

Still, you two lads make an odd couple.

How did you become so friendly?

Well, we met just after I moved down here

and then we got chatting after a few months,

and it turns out we're allergic to the same thing.

Bullshit?

- Baddingham! - [Freddie sighs]

[stammers] Let's not waste time on that bastard.

Let's drink to the horse that brought us together today.

[stammers] Venturer.

- [all] Venturer! - [Freddie] Yeah. [chuckles]

[choreographer] Girls, not long till show time.

Yeah, well, remember, guys... [speaks indistinctly]

Remember, everyone, this is a beauty contest,

so tits out, shoulders back.

One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight.

I got it from Littlewoods.

Like it?

- I didn't know you were a contestant. - [choreographer] Right, everyone.

Ready for the final rehearsal?

- First positions, please. - [Joyce] Cameron.

Cameron. Reverend Penney's car hasn't arrived

and Rutshire Cabs can't get to him for at least an hour.

What? Penney is our most important judge. We need him here now.

I could get him... if I had a car.

Take mine.

Hi. Hello. Hi, everyone. Hello.

- [clamouring] - Hello, ladies.

Looking forward to getting to know you all.

- Can I show you my special talent? - Um, quite.

I loved your interview with Mrs Thatcher. So caring.

Thank you so much, Miss, um, Bisley.

[both chuckle]

[James, performers chuckle]

[stammers] Josh, then introduce the judges,

Wesley Emerson, Wesley Emerson.

Reverend Penney, Penney, Penney, Penney.

Penney for your thoughts. Spend a Penney.

Penney, Penney, Penney, Penney--

Good Lord, Sarah. Bloody hell.

I'm so thrilled to be one of the final six contestants.

Do you think there's a chance I might take home the crown tonight?

[James grunts]

Oh. [breathes heavily]

Um...

Well, Miss Cotchester... [chuckles]

...that depends on your... [swallows]

...s-special talent,

doesn't it?

[chuckles]

- [James moaning] Yes, Sarah. Oh. - [Sarah moans]

- Oh, naughty Sarah. Yes, oh. [moans] - [Sarah moaning]

[♪ "Don't Leave Me This Way" playing]

[singing]

What can I do? I can't leave.

- Leave him. He's not worth it. - No. Look,

if I didn't have a-a-a truly gargantuan mortgage, I--

[Rupert, Freddie] Fuck the mortgage.

I would tell him where to stick his beauty contest.

Jesus, what time is it?

It's just gone 5:00. Why?

- I'm supposed to be judging Miss Corinium. - [Rupert, Freddie chuckling]

[laughing]

That field. Uh, just-- just up ahead there.

Uh, pull in there, child.

I promised my producer I'd be as quick as possible. I--

Just here. Just here.

There's a beautiful view. You should see.

Great. Let's go straight away again from the top, please, girls.

Cue playback. At five, six, seven, eight.

[♪ "Country Boy" playing]

Smiling.

Someone's on the wrong hip.

Uh, sir, it's very lovely, but we're already late.

Um, we should go.

What did you say your name was, dear?

Daysee, sir.

Daysee.

[music continues]

Great. Come down single file.

Straight down the lens, girls, so really big smiles.

Gorgeous. Beautiful. Yes. Lovely, lovely. Yes.

Manley Hopkins thought that spring was rejoicing in life's juices.

What do you think, Daysee?

- Hmm? [chuckles] - [stammers] I think that...

- [grunting] - [screams] No.

[pants, screams]

[music continues]

[choreographer] Yes, ladies.

Please, stop.

- [grunts] - [exclaims]

- [music continues] - [choreographer] Up. Up. Up

- [breathes shakily, groaning] - [Penney moaning]

- [Penney moans] - [music continues]

- [choreographer] And back. Hold it there. - [applause]

Whose idea was the big number?

Daysee's.

- It's not half bad. - Well done, Daysee.

[groans] Now, come on, girl. We're late.

I mean, that golden duck at the Oval. [exclaims]

That'll go down in history.

Ah, you're too kind.

Are you trying to make me same colour as James Vereker?

Welcome to the Cotswolds.

Uh, Sandra, a little bit of that translucent powder is probably best.

Cameron Cook. Controller of Programmes.

Stole her from the Yanks. Most talented woman I've ever met.

- I don't doubt it. - Make sure Wesley gets star treatment.

He is one of my all-time cricketing heroes.

- [chuckles] - [Joyce] This way, Your Eminence.

[exclaims] Reverend. I'm so glad you made it.

I trust my staff have taken good care of you.

Oh, indeed, they have, Tony.

And, uh, from what I've seen so far...

[whispers] ...the franchise is safe.

Oh, so pleased to have your support, Fergus.

Now I've gotta get a show on the road. Drinks on me afterwards, yes?

[Penney] Oh, good.

- [sniffling] - What on earth happened to you?

[cries]

- Okay, come on. Come on. - [crying continues]

[Joyce] Here you go.

[sniffles]

Who did this to you?

You have to tell me who it was.

[breathes shakily]

[Tony] Silence only protects the monster who did this.

I promise you.

I will make them pay.

If you don't report him, dear,

what about all the other innocent girls he might prey on next?

[breathing sharply]

I offered to drive to help with your bid.

Please don't be cross with me.

You've done nothing wrong.

No one's gonna be angry with you.

[sobs]

It was the Reverend Penney.

[crying]

[sniffles]

You certain you didn't lead him on?

[sniffles]

You're such a friendly girl.

No. I-- I--

I was really professional.

[sighs]

You know Reverend Penney's very important to us, don't you?

I know you're a team player.

Valued member of the Corinium family.

So...

let's forget this whole thing ever happened. Don't you think?

That's a good girl.

You're gonna go far here.

I'm sure Miss Madden will help... tidy yourself up.

Good girl.

[Joyce] Sorry, it's all wardrobe had.

[sniffles]

All this talk of equal rights, nothing really changes.

One rule for them, one for us.

Di-Did I spoil everything for the bid?

[chuckles] Not at all.

He'll get off scot-free.

He won't think he's done a thing wrong.

This terrible thing which has happened to you is your secret.

It's also your weapon.

Use it to get what you want from them.

Do you hear me?

Don't be sad. Be angry.

It'll serve you better, dear.

[sniffles]

Goodness sake. Come on.

- [exhales, groans] - Ooh, hello. Just a few sips.

- You can lead a horse to water, Seb... - Declan, please.

Hey, Daysee. Nice dress.

[stammering]

- [Daysee sobs] - Daysee? Daysee, what's wrong?

What's happened, Joyce?

- [Daysee sobs] - [Seb] Daysee. Daysee, wait.

- Daysee. - [announcer speaks indistinctly]

- [audience applauding] - [drum roll]

[announcer] From the Welsh Borders to the dreaming spires of Oxford.

From Southampton to Stratford-upon-Avon.

Live from Cotchester, this is Miss Corinium.

[audience cheering]

And here are your hosts,

James Vereker and Sarah Stratton.

- [cheering continues] - [Steve] Right, here we go. Show time.

Caitlin, it's starting!

[James] Good evening. Good evening.

- Thank you. - [Caitlin] I've got popcorn.

What an array of jewels we have here tonight, Sarah,

and I don't just mean the tiaras.

The girls waiting backstage this evening are gems, are they not?

They certainly are, James.

- I know a diamond when I see one... - Two minutes left of intro.

...especially being a bit of a sparkler myself.

[both laugh]

- [James] Indeed you are. - Standby, audience cutaways on three.

Sarah, you're an absolute bobby-dazzler.

Your husband is a very lucky man.

Sarah's looking sensational, don't you think?

- Mm-hmm. - All mine, of course.

Only 'cause she's already been everyone else's. [chuckles]

...but she will also win a screen test to become our new teatime weather girl.

- [audience exclaims] - Standby judges cutaways on two.

[Sarah] ...before we meet our contestants, let's meet our judging panel.

First up, it's demon bowler and local cricketing hero,

- Wesley Emerson. - [applause]

[audience cheers]

And then of course, there's Corinium's very own Declan O'Hara.

[chuckles]

Back in the saddle today after his brief indisposition earlier in the week.

[Sarah] And here to ensure we're all behaving ourselves,

ex-prebendary from the Church of England, Reverend Fergus Penney.

- [scoffs] - [audience cheers]

Please give a big round of applause for our judging panel.

Miss Chipping Sodbury is 21 years old.

She's training to be a driving instructor.

[Caitlin] She looks so pretty.

- Yeah. - ...enjoys breeding miniature poodles.

Oh, to be a creature in Miss Chipping Sodbury's care.

Last Friday, we danced against Rugborough,

and one lot of boys took some fifth-formers up on the garage roof,

and they were smoking and drinking and telling the teachers to fuck off.

[chuckles] Oh,

and the gym mistress found three condoms in the rhododendrons.

- She's now focusing on planning... - That's nice.

- ...her upcoming wedding. - [audience cheers on TV]

But Rupert's nicer, hey?

- Shut up. - [both laugh]

- Each of our contestants tonight... - Okay three,

- hold the two shot. Four... - ...also has a special talent.

- ...take the close-ups. - It's going really well.

- [audience cheers] - ...spinning her way into our hearts.

[♪ "Conga" playing]

That's my sister!

Awesome!

Isn't she good?

Hip-notic.

Miss Wotton-under-Edge is a fabulous 5'7" tall

and is a full 33, 25, 36.

[audience cheering]

Shite.

- Now, judges, Miss Bisley stands... - Are you drunk?

- ...at an elegant 5'4". - [scoffs]

Her measurements are 36, 24, 36.

Some might describe her as perfection itself.

[audience cheers]

[chuckles, distorted]

Reverend Penney, are you looking for perfection tonight?

Oh, uh, well, perfection is not my concern.

The qualities that I'm looking for in the inaugural Miss Corinium,

uh, consists of, uh,

a healthy body and sound morals.

You filthy, hypocritical, old git.

- [grunts] - [audience gasps, clamours]

[crew member 1] Fucking hell.

[gasps]

What the fuck is he doing? Cut the feed.

[crew member 2] Cut the feed.

Jesus H. Christ. I only left the house for a minute.

What just happened?

- Oh, my God. Mummy. - [chuckles]

[clamouring]

- [gasping] - [James] Um, gosh. [stammers]

- [Declan] Not so brave now, are you? - Oh, my...

You'll get what's coming to you.

[clears throat]

- [phone ringing] - [Cameron] Answer the phone.

He's ruined everything.

[Cameron] Answer the bloody phone.

- Just do it! - [ringing continues]

You let that religious fraud get away with raping one of your employees

and then you parade all those young girls in front of him like a fucking menu?

[scoffs]

I am out of this cesspit for good.

Mm-hmm. You flouted my authority at every opportunity,

but I'm not sure we can let you go just yet.

Hmm.

- [Declan grunts] - Don't touch me. [grunts]

- How does it feel, Tony? Huh? - [groans]

How does it feel to be weak

- and hopeless? - I'll have you locked up for GBH.

I'd be freer inside than I ever will be working for you.

[Tony groans]

Fuck you.

I quit.

Always so melodramatic. You missed your calling.

Well, enjoy the morning papers.

You should probably let Maud know she's gonna be a star again.

[panting]

Bloody hell.

I'd hate to see what he does with a driver.

Are you okay?

Can I give you a lift somewhere?

You should call the police, Daysee.

Report that sick bastard.

She told you.

And that's why you hit him.

[sniffles] I didn't need your help, Declan.

[sighs] I'm sorry, Daysee. I-I just... [sighing]

[Joyce] Daysee.

Why couldn't you have kept your mouth shut?

Just quit my job.

Get in the car, lads. Let's get rat-arsed.

[car engine starts]

[Tony] As I say, Declan O'Hara will be

strongly dealt with in the coming days, very publicly too.

Good.

[sighs] Whilst I don't hold with vengeance,

there's no place for violence and vulgarity on our screens.

No, no, you have my word, Fergus.

- [sighs] - Thank you.

Deirdre! Deirdre.

Deirdre, please make sure the Reverend Penney gets home safely.

Yes, Lord Baddingham.

Order a minicab, Deirdre.

- Bye, Fergus. - Bye, Tony.

I'll get the glaziers in.

Have this delivered to Beattie Johnson at the Scorpion from an anonymous source.

Miss Madden! Joyce!

- Has anyone been in my office? - Not to my knowledge.

Fuck!

[snoring]

Is he dead?

He will be when Mummy's done with him.

[sighs]

[groans]

Oh, fuck.

Hmm.

I don't wanna be that woman who's waiting for her husband to come home.

It's-- It's not me.

I need to go back to work.

Well, that's good because I resigned last night.

It will be easier for you if we go back to London.

[sighs]

[sighs]

I saw Malhar.

I-- I asked him if I could audition for his new show.

[scoffs]

I mean, there's nothing in it for me. I'm too old.

I'm sorry, love.

You should've told me.

What happened to us?

Can we fix it?

[car approaching]

Who the fuck is that?

- [Declan groans] Fuck. - [sighs]

[sighs]

Is Tony trying to hound me into the grave?

[Joyce] He doesn't know I'm here.

- I shouldn't have told you about Daysee. - [Declan] Yeah?

I'd probably have hit the old pervert anyway. [chuckles]

Sometimes Lord Baddingham needs a bit of help to steer the right course.

Thank you.

[Gertrude barking]

[Taggie] Gertrude!

Gertrude! Oh, come back!

- Gertrude! - [barking continues]

You all right?

- Can I walk with you? - No, you can't.

I asked for your help, and you got him drunk

and let him implode on live television.

He's a grown man, Taggie.

We are in so much debt.

We can't afford the mortgage without Daddy working.

- Mummy's already packing. - What are you talking about?

[sighs]

This is the only place I have ever loved, and now we have to leave.

He's Declan O'Hara.

He'll find another job.

[breathes shakily] Not here.

Gertrude, come on.

[Gertrude panting]

[sighs]

[Cameron] You know, I could've told you you and Declan were never gonna work out.

Neither of you could bear not being big dog.

- So am I big dog now? - You're the last dog standing.

- So what do we do now? [sighs] - Hmm.

We have to put something out there.

[groans] Not an apology.

- Oh, God, no. - Mmm.

He's the one who threw all the punches.

It's not your fault he can't handle provocation.

And of course, he's also the one with the drinking problem.

- Mm-hmm? - Mmm. Very good.

[both chuckle]

[Tony] Declan O'Hara tendered his resignation last night

and we regretfully accepted.

Uh, we have every concern for the well-being of all our staff,

but Corinium Television cannot tolerate violence,

particularly towards a vulnerable and senior guest in our building.

We send Declan our best wishes and support

- as he seeks help for his alcoholism... - Ugh. Turn it off.

...and mental disturbance.

Where is he?

[footsteps approaching]

Don't look so grim. Frederico and I have a brilliant new plan.

[Declan] No offence, but I'll give it a miss.

One afternoon with you lads nearly finished me off.

Yeah. We're going back to London.

Sorry, Maud. We can't let ya.

It's business. Can't let a hot property go to waste.

We're starting a production company and you're gonna run it.

Partnership.

We're gonna work together. It'll be fun.

We'd trust you on the creative stuff.

- Sorry, lads, but I can't. - Why not?

You'd be your own master. Like you wanted.

Because I think we should pitch for the franchise.

But that would mean--

The mother of all takeovers.

Drive Tony Baddingham out of town once and for all.

I think we've got it in us, don't you?

[chuckles]

[sighs]

[♪ opera music playing]