Original subtitles

Well, Simon, I don't know what's going on,

because I thought I might be like you,

but lately I've been hanging out with Mia,

and I really like her, which is confusing,

so I've been doing research.

Like, a lot of research.

And sexuality is a spectrum.

Some guys like guys, some guys like girls,

some guys like both, and some guys like feet?

I'm not even sure what I like, but it's definitely not feet.

So, I think I'm gonna give things with Mia a chance.

I feel really connected to her, and who knows?

I didn't think I was gonna like the Impossible Burger until I had one,

and it was actually pretty good.

So, maybe Mia's my Impossible Burger.

Mia?

Oh! Victor.

You really shouldn't sneak up on people

who are holding tools that can melt your face off.

I mean, unless you're in the market for a cool, intimidating scar.

Ah. Maybe I am.

So, you weld?

Uh, more like fail to weld. This is my dad's crème brûlée torch.

Well, um, it's cool, whatever it is.

A sculpture.

Something big enough to make a shadow.

I like that.

I actually stole that line from this old lady sculptor

named Gertrude Barnstone.

She wanted to create things that were big enough to make shadows,

and I don't know, take up space in the world.

You know? Uh, sorry.

I get really worked up about artists I like.

- I know it's lame. - No. It's not.

I love old lady sculptors.

- I actually have all the trading cards. - Oh. Oh, yeah?

Hey, Mia, would you wanna go on a date?

There's this Battle of the Bands thing at the coffee shop I work at.

That's perfect.

Uh, yeah. 'Cause, well, Lake and I were... were gonna...

were gonna go, but she'll understand.

Great.

Well, I'll let you get back to it.

Please don't melt your face off before our hang.

It's, uh, it's a really good face.

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Waiting for the time ♪

♪ Waiting for the place ♪

♪ And I, I, I ♪

♪ I, I need ♪

♪ Somebody to tell me it'll be all right ♪

♪ Somebody to tell me it'll be just fine ♪

♪ If someone has been there before, say it right now ♪

♪ 'Cause I just need to hear it ♪

Sync & corrections by Costa Dax www.addic7ed.com

Good morning.

Bebita. Wow, you are lookin' good.

Good?

This is two hours of makeup and a full blowout.

The only adjectives I want to hear are stunning,

gorgeous, and...

I'm making Mom a Facebook profile

so she can keep in contact with everyone back in Texas.

Oh, Pilar. That is so nice of you.

- She's paying her. - And there it is.

- Yeah. - Where's Victor?

Basketball practice.

You know, maybe we should, uh, take this new look out on the town.

Show it off.

- Yeah? - You went through all this trouble.

- Take you to dinner. - All right.

Pilar, can you watch your brother? Or do you have other plans?

I was gonna watch Scream on FaceTime with Eric,

but then he brutally dumped me,

and destroyed my ability to love another human, so, no. No plans.

- Can someone else watch me? - No.

Hey, Diane. Love the bangs.

What you in for?

Oh. Andrew. Uh,

I gave the frog I was dissecting a smoky eye. You?

I pantsed Coach Ford in practice.

Turns out he doesn't wear underwear.

We saw everything.

Tonight, on the five o'clock news,

would you shop at a haunted supermarket?

I'm Georgina Meriwether. Stay peachy, Atlanta.

Is it, like, weird seeing your mom on TV?

Uh, the TV part you get used to,

but not the randos coming up to us in public, and being like,

"Will you say it?" And she's all, like...

"No, no, no. I, I couldn't possibly. Stay peachy, Atlanta".

Hey, are you going to Battle of the Bands?

Yeah. Teddy and Kieran are performing.

They do heavy metal covers of prescription drug side effects.

They're called "Pharmaceutakill".

That's... random. Uh, well, I was supposed to go with Mia,

but now she's going on a date with Victor, or whatever.

What? She is?

Uh, yeah. Why are you so pressed about it?

No, I'm not. I just don't know what she sees in that kid.

Well, he's hot,

he's kind, he's smart, he's good at sports,

great skin, his eyes twinkle, he smells good,

and I bet he's nice to animals.

I'm nice to animals.

What kind of psychopath isn't nice to animals?

Well, regardless, tonight's the night it all begins for them.

Next thing you know, they'll fall in love and get married,

and have a slew of gorgeous, bilingual babies.

Well, maybe we should double.

We go together. They go together.

- Really? - Yeah. Why not?

Yeah. Yeah, I'd, I'd love to. Humph.

I knew this would be my year.

I didn't mean to say that out loud.

I have the ultimate plan to win Lake's heart, and brain,

and if I'm lucky, all of her other organs, too.

Check it out. Battle of the Bands. I'm performing.

- You're in a band? - No, no, I'm a DJ,

which is even better, because a DJ makes music into more music.

I didn't know you were a DJ.

Well, there's a lot of things you don't know about me, Victor.

I sponsor a manatee named Jessica, I'm a meme in Japan,

I make my own shampoos.

Damn it. I just spoiled your birthday gift.

Have you ever performed before?

Not in front of people who aren't my mom, no.

But I've been practicing for months, and I'm definitely ready.

All that's left to do is to figure out my look.

You're getting a haircut?

No, I just got one. My DJ disguise.

Like Daft Punk,

or, uh, Deadmau5, or Mrs. Doubtfire.

- Mrs. Doubtfire wasn't... - Not a DJ, but such a good disguise.

Well, I can't wait to see what you land on.

I'll be there with Mia.

On a date.

Yes! All right! Well, you can't spell "stud" without...

...you.

- Never do that again. - Understood.

Hey, good work today.

- You caught on fast. - Thanks.

I had fun. Except for this music.

Five hours of nonstop easy listening is actually...

not so easy to listen to.

Ugh, I know.

If I hear one more gentle song about a girl forgiving her dad,

I will lose my mind.

I know, right. It's like, people drink coffee to wake up.

Yeah. Well, Sarah's not here, so if you have your phone,

I could connect it to the speakers and play something.

Um, yeah. Yeah, sure.

"Baby Shark" is your most listened to song?

I play it for my little brother.

And I may also find its predictability soothing.

♪ And this is crazy ♪

♪ But here's my number ♪

♪ So call me maybe ♪

Okay, you're making fun of me right now.

"Call Me Maybe" was my jam when I was little.

I made up this whole dance just to crack my mom up.

Okay. Let's see.

- See what? - Your dance. Come on.

All I remember is it involved a lot of spinning, and...

- rump shaking. - Mm.

Oh, like, like, like this?

♪ I didn't know I would feel it ♪

No, no, no, no. No.

Like this. You gotta put more rump in it. You gotta go...

- Oh. I have to put more... Okay. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

♪ Where you think you're going baby? ♪

♪ Hey I just met you ♪

- Whoa! - ♪ And this is crazy ♪

♪ But here's my number ♪

Oh.

Your Ferris wheel boo is texting you.

Oh.

What's the deal with you two, anyway?

I don't know. She's cool.

Um, we're going out tomorrow to hang.

Nice. You should bring her here tomorrow

for the Battle of the Bands. And then cheer for my band.

Loudly. I'm, uh, very insecure.

You're in a band?

Yeah. Lead singer.

You and Mia can come hang backstage after the show. If you want to.

And by backstage, I mean the parking lot next door.

See, Simon, I want tomorrow night to be about me and Mia.

But I can't do that if Benji's there

with his tight T-shirts, and his dumb smile.

Uh, we're doing something else tomorrow. Sorry.

Oh. Well, maybe next time.

You brought me to an art show.

Yeah. I saw this ad for an "Art of the Future" exhibit,

and you're an artist of the future, so, I just thought...

- If you think this is totally lame... - No. I think this is totally sweet.

You can touch this.

Wow, it's so weird. It's like,

soft but rough at the same time.

It's like, also kind of wet.

This sculpture is an undigested ball of trash,

pulled from a whale's rectum.

I'm sorry.

I thought this was more about up-and-coming artists,

and less about the destruction of life as we know it.

Well, this whole gallery can't be about that, right?

Mm. This is actually really...

- powerful. - Roar!

Oh, my God!

I swallowed trash, and now I am dead.

Is this entire exhibit animals who swallowed trash?

Thank you. Thank you.

Now, a short break while we change sets.

Lake, I'm so glad you came.

You look amazing. You, I... You look good.

Thanks. Um...

You...

- Felix. Yeah. - Oh.

Yeah. Yeah, I knew.

Can't wait for you to hear my fire beats. Waka-waka.

Cool. Good luck with that.

- Bye. - Uh...

Hey. I got us a table.

Huh? Oh. Yeah. No. I just... love sitting.

That is so funny.

You should do stand-up.

Hey, where are Mia and Victor?

Oh, uh, yeah, they're, they're not coming.

They decided to go to some art gallery instead.

They're not coming? Thought we were all supposed to hang.

Well, they bailed, but we don't need them to have fun, right?

Right. Right. Hey, have fun at your fart gallery.

Oh, my God. Is this an open mic?

You are killing me.

Mm.

Ooh!

Yeah. I like dropping little drinks

into bigger drinks and then drinking them.

- Who knew? - Ah, this is really nice.

- Thank you for taking me out, Armando. - Oh, it's my pleasure.

And glad we're getting to see a little bit of Atlanta.

Yeah. I'm really starting to like it here.

Ooh, here we go.

- Thank you. - Mm.

You sure we can't ask them to cook it just a little?

No! Then it wouldn't be sushi.

- Mm. - Okay.

Okay, I'm gonna fix you a bite.

- Ready? - All right.

- Hmm. - Well?

Actually, that... yeah, that's delicious.

You see? Told you.

I can't believe I got you to a sushi restaurant.

Well, I like it.

- It's a new city... - Mm-hmm.

New food.

It's a brand new start.

Mm.

♪ May cause drowsiness, dermatitis ♪

- ♪ Headache ♪ - ♪ Sore throat ♪

- ♪ Fever ♪ - ♪ Acid reflux ♪

- ♪ Trouble sleeping ♪ - ♪ Dizziness, diarrhea ♪

That one is called "Cyclobenzaprine".

And it goes out to all you lovely ladies in the audience tonight.

- Thank you. - Thank you!

Well, that was distressing. Next up is...

DJ F-Bomb.

Woo!

All righty.

Oh, there's the keyboard.

This one goes out to a very special lady.

♪ Ah ♪

♪ Yo, I got that formula that make you wanna dance, dance, dance ♪

Damn it!

Um, oh! Oh! Oh!

Sorry, um, technical difficulties.

Who is that?

I'm not sure, but the bomb is bombing.

Ugh!

Uh...

Yeah!

Thank you, DJ F-Bomb.

So, has, has Mia texted?

No. Why would she?

I mean, I already told you, she's on a date with Victor.

What's your deal? Are you, like...

...in love with her or something?

Did you invite me here tonight just so you could be around Mia?

'Course not.

Wow. You're lying.

I actually thought you wanted to hang out with me.

Lake, I think you're overreacting...

No, do you know, I've spent basically

my whole life being known as Georgina Meriwether's daughter?

But tonight, I thought I was finally hanging out

with a guy who was interested in spending time with me.

You know what? I get it.

I get why you like Mia. Mia is awesome.

But I'm awesome, too.

And I'm just so tired of waiting for someone to finally realize that.

Also, you're really not that funny.

I'm just a good actress.

Another awesome thing about me.

Okay.

Oh. I don't mind this.

Maybe this is where you come to reflect on all the bad art you've seen.

Yeah.

Yeah, this art might be brutal, but...

at least these artists are like, brave enough to show it.

I'd pick your cool metal sculpture thing

over any of the stuff we saw tonight.

So, um, what do you think?

Worst first date you've ever been on?

Well, um,

actually I can't compare it, because...

this is the only first date I've ever been on.

Come on. Guys must ask you out all the time.

No. Not like this.

I mean, I've hung out with guys at parties,

but this is the most date-date I've ever been on.

Me, too.

Well, Simon, I kissed Mia,

and it was great.

I even got those little butterflies in my stomach

people are always talking about.

Okay, can we go to Battle of the Bands now?

Yeah, we probably should have just done

that in the first place.

God, Mom's friends are all so lame.

No one cares about your kid's soccer game, Ruth Lapidus.

Can I watch an unboxing video?

No. I have to finish making Mom's profile.

Plus, unboxing videos are stupid.

Why do you like watching a stranger's hands take a toy out of a box?

I pretend the hands are my hands.

- Who's Roger R.? - Looks like a pit bull.

Holy shit.

- You said... - I know what I said.

Go to your room and put on "Baby Shark".

Victor makes me listen to that song. I don't even like it!

This was really, really nice.

We needed this.

- Yeah, we did. - Mm-hmm.

We can, uh, try a different spot next time.

Are you asking me out on a second date?

I am.

Oh, maybe we can try that, um, Asian spaghetti spot.

You know, the one we always pass?

Hey, if it's anything like Cup O'Noodle, I bet I'll love it.

Armando, we have had ramen.

No, we haven't.

Yes! We went to that place together. You know, the, um...

Um...

Never mind. I, um, I think I went with my sister.

But we should try something new.

You love trying new things.

Hey, Lake.

Asking you here was, um...

You know, I shouldn't have...

I think the word you're looking for is "sorry".

Yes. That.

Um, I...

You know what, I just... I don't get it.

If you liked Mia, why didn't you just ask her out

sometime in the 15 years you've known her, and she was single?

It's complicated.

You won't tell her, right?

No. She's too happy right now. She doesn't need your drama.

Thanks.

And... you were right...

by the way, about what you said.

You are awesome. And...

one day, there's gonna be a guy who doesn't need to be...

told how awesome you are.

And whoever he is, uh, he's very lucky.

Hey. Uh, I'm sorry you had to see that.

Oh. Uh, I don't even think I saw you perform,

but, um, I'm sure you're better

than that DJ with the bowling ball head.

No, yeah, of course I was better than him.

- He, uh, he sucked. - Oh, sucked,

which is a total bummer, because I actually love DJs.

They make music into more music.

I always say that.

Well, great minds, Felix. Great minds.

- You know my name. - Mm, yeah, I do.

Hey, man.

Hey. You made it.

I'm sorry we missed your set, man.

Did we miss everything, or...

Oh, I think the winner gets to play an encore,

so at least we'll get to see whoever was least terrible.

All right, hello. And the winner is...

not a big shocker, since they were

the only ones who were halfway decent:

The Sticky Beaks. Come on out here, guys.

Woo! Benji, take your shirt off!

What? We're all thinking it.

Uh, thanks guys.

This is a cover that we just started working on.

♪ I threw my wish in the well ♪

♪ Don't ask me, I'll never tell ♪

♪ I looked at you as it fell ♪

♪ And now you're in my way ♪

♪ I beg and borrow and steal ♪

♪ At first sight and it's real ♪

♪ I didn't know I would feel it, but it's in my way ♪

♪ Your stare was holding ♪

♪ Ripped jeans, skin was showin' ♪

♪ Hot night, wind was blowin' ♪

♪ Where you think you're going, baby? ♪

♪ Hey, I just met you ♪

♪ And this is crazy ♪

♪ But here's my number, so call me maybe ♪

♪ It's hard to look right ♪

♪ At you baby ♪

♪ But here's my number ♪

♪ So call me maybe ♪

Oh. Hey.

How'd it go here?

Great.

I didn't finish setting up your account.

There were some problems.

Oh. Okay.

♪ It's hard to look right ♪

♪ At you, baby ♪

Well, Victor,

I'm really glad to hear that you liked kissing Mia.

Maybe she is your... Impossible Burger.

♪ So call me maybe ♪

And you're right. Kissing is pretty great.

But for me, it's more than just butterflies.

It's like those jet fighters that fly over the Super Bowl.

Hey.

Or like, getting hit by a huge wave.

Uh, hey. You guys ready to go?

- Yes. - Uh, yeah. Yeah.

♪ You are, you are, you are ♪

♪ I hope your heart is on a timer ♪

♪ 'Cause when it's runnin' then it's runnin' me ♪

♪ Even when you just call ♪

♪ You reach through the phone, and you wrap your soft hands around me ♪

♪ You are an athlete ♪

♪ And I need you the most, and I want you on my team ♪