Original subtitles

This programme contains strong language

I dared you to go in. That means you have to go in.

No. Oh... Why have I got to do it? Lyd, tell him.

Trav, you've got to stop being such a pussy.

Like, your face is actually morphing into a labia majora.

Trav, they've got free crisps and biscuits in there.

Yeah. Come on. I swear. Do it.

BOTH CHANT: Do it, do it, do it, do it...

Oh, my God, you're such little sods.

THEY GIGGLE

FROM ROOM: Yes?

Hi, miss. Um, I was just wondering, are we all right to come in?

Who's "we"?

Oh, but of course, it's Tweedledee, Tweedledum and Tweedle Plum.

Who's Plum? You. You are. Shut up!

Right, come in, sit down, shut up.

WHISPERS: Hey, get the crisps. Get the crisps.

Oh, bloody hell!

As I was saying before we were rudely interrupted...

Oh, relax, Pete. Yeah, take the pole out your bum.

How is that shutting up?

..there should be a means based system in place

before people are allowed to breed.

If you're on x amount of salary, you can have two children.

If you're on this match, you can have three.

CAM SCOFFS

Something funny?

No, it's not funny. It's eugenics, mate.

Speaker, I've actually got time left on the clock.

Sorry, go on.

My point is as long as we allow people to spawn children

they can't afford and let the state prop them up, the rest of society

is held back.

THEY GIGGLE

Sorry, I'm not trying to hold you back.

Yeah, OK, Cam.

60 seconds for the opposer, OK?

Um...

..the proposer suggests a salary-based child cap

to relieve financial stresses on the state.

But how do we enforce that?

If a family breaks the cap, do we lock up the parents?

Prison costs something like £40,000 per person per year,

so that's 80k for mum and dad.

Currently, Family Allowance is £20 a week for your first child and £13

a week for every child thereafter.

I haven't got any abacus on me, but that's, like, a lot cheaper.

Or should we start sterilising women as soon as they've hit their cap?

In a nutshell, the motion proposed is impossible to enforce, immoral

and puts the state in the position of playing God.

And women have had enough of white men in suits policing their wombs.

Thanks. Proposer, any counter points?

Yes. The suggestion that prison and sterilisation are the only

courses of action is absolutely

MUFFLED FART ludicrous and sensationalist.

STUDENTS GIGGLE

Oh, my God.

Pete, did you just fart?

Oh, grow up! OK, right! Come on. You can smell it...

You've usually got a lot to say for yourself.

Do you think there should be a salary-based child cap?

If there was, I wouldn't exist.

Um, if you can't buy a kid nice trainers,

don't have a kid, innit?

Very astute. Thanks for that.

BELL RINGS

Right, OK. Come on.

Out, I want my lunch.

That was boring. I'm taking these.

SINGING: I saw this girl driving past, we never met each other.

We going out tonight, then?

No, I can't, sorry. No, I told you, my mother's cut me off.

Well, just take money from her purse.

She said she'd shave my head if she caught me doing that.

Imagine!

Hi, Lozza. It'd suit you, babe.

No, it wouldn't. I'd look like a sucked baked bean.

Mate, Cam! That was wicked earlier.

Sorry?

Your argument to Peter, you watching him sweating!

You smashed it. Yeah, well done. Thanks.

We're going to go to the park if you want to come? No, we're not.

I've got to go home. See you. Bye. Bye.

What you rimming Cam for?

No, I'm not!

Your tongue is so deep in her sphincter.

Bethan! Yeah.

Your mum still hasn't signed the forms for the trip.

Then I'll do it tonight. Miss, are we allowed to drink at the open day?

I need it tomorrow or you can't come.

I know. Sorry. She's been working.

You're head girl. You should be there.

Chill, woman! I'll do it, man.

You're obsessed with me.

Watch it!

THEY GIGGLE

Oh, my God, look at this big dick energy, Beth. Woohoo!

DOOR OPENS

Woo-woo!

Thought you'd pulled, then, didn't you? As if. All right?

Giz a hand.

What you up to? I've come to see you. I need to you to sign the forms for my uni trip.

Here. Come in and see Nana.

There you go. VIP entrance.

Outside our doors, the weather might be grey,

but in here, we know we'll have a lovely day.

Excited you stand to buy your bingo books,

greeting each other with "Hiya"s and cheeky looks.

We all cross our fingers and pray to the Lord,

"Let it be my name that adorns the winner's board."

Right, that's the end of that. APPLAUSE

Hooray! Right...

I tell you what, you've got a gift...

You should read each other's poems.

Yeah, maybe, yeah. You haven't given me my kiss.

Oi-oi!

Gwen Evans won on the link. And she gave you some?

Christ, she must like you. Gwen Evans is a tight old boot.

Dinner's on me, girls.

Now you're talking!

Perry, look after that for me, kid.

Watch my ribs, man, Marge. Nan, careful!

Perry, this is my girl.

She going uni.

Oh, well done you.

WHISPERS: You've got to stop saying that. I will never stop saying that.

THEY CHUCKLE

Oh, my God, we've got to get one of these, girls.

Well, that's me,

happy as a dog with two dicks. Yeah.

I'm a Burger Babe. They're fabulous.

Yeah. Look at us all matching.

Could be in a band, couldn't we?

We are the Burger Babes.

BOTH CHANT: We are the Burger Babes. We are the Burger Babes.

We are the Burger Babes... No! The pair of you!

You're not even funny, man.

I think we're side-splitting.

Hey, Trin. Mm? Did you hear? It all kicked off today

between Roger Hughes and Doreen Pinkett?

You know Doreen...? Wears a wig.

Roger found one of her spare wigs in the staffroom. Course, he puts

it on, he's flouncing around, isn't he? "Look at me, I'm Doreen!"

She only walks in and catches him.

She was tamping!

She had him by the throat.

She called him a bastard troll doll! Troll doll?

Cos he's so short, he looks like he'd fit on the end of a pencil.

THEY CHUCKLE

Fucking hell, we rolled.

Fucking troll doll!

Beth. Beth? Nan!

Careful, man, I nearly liked that, then.

Here, you've hardly touched your Monster Burger.

You can have it if you want.

Ooh, that's not like you to miss a meal, love.

You can't say stuff like that.

Do you know how many teenage girls have got eating disorders?

PHONE VIBRATES

Is that Dilly? Mm.

Hi, Dil! Yeah.

No, I'm just with your mum.

Oh, you must be starving, yeah.

Right, we're leaving now.

Are we? Sorry.

Get him a burger. You do know he can make his own food, don't you?

He's been working all day, man! Yeah, so's she.

All right, come on. CHANTS: We are the Burger Babes.

No, stop it! We are the Burger Babes. We are the Burger Babes!

We are the Burger Babes...

TV: ..previous arrests for trafficking were in central Bristol.

We're back!

Sorry, love. Got you food.

What am I rushing home for if you're not even here?

Sorry, it's just Mum's been on her feet all day.

I wanted to get her a dinner.

I'll get the sauces. Work all right?

HE BELCHES LOUDLY

Disgusting, revolting, sick prick.

Get your shoes off the chair.

They're not touching the chair.

Get them off.

Get them down, Beth. Seriously?

They're like, one mile from the chair.

Push me now and see what happens.

Beth, take 'em down, love.

Not so hard, was it?

Right, programme about monkeys I want to watch now. Better be good.

Oh, good.

Problem? No.

Say it if you've got something to say. I haven't.

Just leave it, Dil, she's in a mood.

Right, what channel's this on?

Hey. What?

You ignorant little sh... Oh, piss off!

What did you just say? You're a lazy fuck!

That's what you are, a lazy fu...

Dil, stop!

Just ignore her!

You going to let her speak to me like that?

WHISPERS: Prick!

DISTANT ARGUING

SHE BREATHES HEAVILY, MUTTERS

SHE BREATHES DEEPLY

RADIO, QUIET: So what's the appeal of holidays...?

Text the show, 81040. Emails to jason@bbc.co.uk.

New this week at BBC Radio Wales.

And great music on the way from Celeste, Alicia Keys and Chic...

Your calls, your stories. Mornings with Jason Mohammad...

RADIO CONTINUES IN BACKGROUND

You're up early. Mm.

What's this?

Oh, no, Mam, don't do that. They'll go flat.

Oh! Oh. What?

They're already flat, babe. Oh, no!

Oh, what the hell?

Love... Oh! ..should have used self-raising.

Yeah, well, I know that now, don't I? I'm not stupid.

What are they meant to be? Muffins! They look a bit grey.

Forms. Buy some muffins.

There you go, Bob's your uncle, Fanny's your crotch. Ta.

Do you ever smile any more?

Oh, God, you're gorgeous. Gimme them cheeks. Mmm!

No, stop it! Get off!

Right, I'm going. Love you. I could eat you.

Fine. Love you. Bye. Bye. Have a nice day.

DOOR SLAMS

LAUGHTER

You watching?

Lyds, you watching?

Oh, my... You're going to break a rib.

HE GUFFAWS

Oh, I've got, um, blueberry muffins.

TRAVIS: Oh, lush. Have you spat in 'em?

Does anyone want a blueberry muffin?

Oh, stunning. Yeah, please.

Oh, there she is.

Hi, Loz.

Give us a taste of your skanky muff, Beth!

HE CACKLES

What we got, Lyds? It looks like a clit, don't it?

Looks more like your micro dick, Priest. As if.

I've got a fat, sweaty frankfurter, babe.

Oh, why is it sweating?

Yeah, you want to get some Lynx on that, babes.

Well, it's up yours, eh? It's fucking wet from all the pussies.

Oh! OK.

Oh, gutting! Priest's dick smells like Lozza Chapman's piss.

Oh! Oh, d'oh! Pity!

CAM: Get back to your breakdancing, mate. Shut up, Cam. Fuck off.

Bunch of munters. Move, trollop!

Fuck's sake.

BELL RINGS

Hey, what are you chewing a wasp for? I'm not.

Look, if you fancy Cam... I don't. What? ..just ask her if she's a lesbian.

Hey. Hey. All right, Lorraine?

Do I smell of BO?

What you asking that for?

Cos I heard Lydia say it, and now everyone's saying

"Bo-Bo like Lo-Lo" to Priest, so...

I wouldn't worry. Just, like, ignore them.

Do I, though?

I'm asking you because I know you'll be honest with me.

Um, yeah, I-I don't know, like...

..maybe sometimes, like, after PE or something.

I appreciate that.

Cam is a lesbian, by the way.

How'd you know that?

I asked her if she was a virgin.

What, out of the blue, just asked her if she was a virgin?

Yeah. You can't do that, Lorraine.

What'd she say? She's not.

And she's got an ex called Chelsea, so...

Chelsea is a girl's name, innit? Yeah. Yeah.

So Atticus shoots the rabid dog, but is it just a dog being shot

or does it symbolise something more?

That's rude, man. A dog is for life. STUDENTS GIGGLE

Just button it for once.

Ooh, touchy.

You on the blob, miss? Because it has rabies,

It's a threat to the community. So in shooting the dog...

What?

It symbolises that Atticus is trying to protect the community

from danger, both rabies and racism.

Yes.

WHISPERS: Nice. Nailed it.

Bethan!

What? I'm just saying she nailed it. Try saying nothing.

Nothing.

STUDENTS GIGGLE

The other element is that Atticus gets to impress his kids.

Before, they thought their dad was just an old fart.

But now they know he's the best shot in the county.

Right, page 32, everyone, please.

WHISPERS: Cam.

WHISPERS: I'm trying to listen.

Ha, reject-a-mundo, babe! Shut up!

Bethan, I'm not going to tell you again!

All right, relax, like.

Get out!

Sorry, I'm listening.

No, no. Pack up your stuff and get out.

STUDENT GIGGLES

STUDENTS MUTTER

Head girl, everybody.

Shameful look!

LYDIA: Did you actually feel, like, your bum hole constrict?

Or did it fall out and it's in your pants right now

and you've just not done anything about it?

It was so awkward!

Are you OK?

I've never seen Miss Morgan like that.

Oh, whatever, Trav. Who gives a fuck?

Dibsies on this. Er, no! Give it! What? It's not all for you, you pig.

Give it.

Shall I nick her trolley?

Yes! Why?

Stop being boring. Yeah, do it.

OK, one sec.

Go on. Shh. There she is.

Oh, my God, she's done it!

Hey! I've got stuff in that!

Legend!

THEY LAUGH

We did it! Where you going?

BETHAN SCREAMS

I'm flying! Jack!

Guys, we're out. Oh, that's because you've drunk it.

I didn't drink at all! You're a pisshead. That's bullshit.

This happens all the time. You, you downed half that. That's a lie.

That is the biggest lie ever! You, you're always the first to finish.

You usually shove it down your throat whole. Shut up!

You guzzled... Shut up. ..you guzzled, like, three quarters.

Shu-u-u-t up. Shut up.

What time is it? Um...

..quarter past five.

Are you fucking kidding me?

No, it's ridic... No! I might just go home. What?

Go on, then. You're so boring.

Er, Lyd, have you got any more money? I'll try and get us served.

No, I've told you, my mother's cut me off.

I want to go as well and make her cook for me.

No! What, are you just going to leave me? It's 5pm.

You pair of pussies! Like, what's the point if we're out of booze?

Oh, we should have deodorant.

Sorry, what? Got some in my bag, look.

Er, amazing. 72 hour protection!

Er, what?

Hang on, sorry.

How do you even do that? I don't...

Trav, do you live under a rock? Stop it.

No, I just don't know how to huff deodorant. Stop being so boring, look.

Travis, this is how you do it, right? What are you doing in a trolley?

Hey? What?

Nothing, I'm just sitting.

She behaving herself?

Y-Yeah.

Just going to drop these home for you and Dad.

What to share them?

Oh, thank you. Thank you. Right.

Don't be home late, you. Right.

Hang on, I'm just going to go and ask her for money.

Be back now. Oh, foot up.

What the fuck?

Her mother works at the bingo?

What you walking around dressed like that for?

Want me to get changed, do you? I only get half an hour for me break

and I've got to sort your dad's tea out.

Fine, but don't talk to my friends, then.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Too good for me now, are you?

Well, you won't be asking me for more money then, will you,

if you're too good for my money from the bingo?

Don't be a dick.

What did you just say?

Are you deaf?

Don't be a dick.

Get in the car. No.

I said, get in the car. you're not speaking to me like that.

You're grounded. What, you suddenly want to act like a mother, now, is it? Jog on, Trin. Get in the car.

I hate you!

Sorry, Mam, I...

Don't be late.

Come on, I was only joking. Mam! No, you weren't.

ENGINE STARTS

Whatever, then.

SHE SNIFFS

Piece of shit!

Fuck's sake, Beth!

SHE SNIFFS

WHISPERS: Twat!

You OK? Oh, my God, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!

Why have you got your hand in a drain?

I dropped my bracelet.

CAM CHUCKLES

Want a hand?

Please.

CAM GROWLS

It's like Jenga.

Do you mean Operation?

Oh, yeah.

Oh, wait, I think I got it.

Oooh! Yeah!

Oh, mate! Hanging! What is that?

Definitely thought that was going to be gold or something.

Thank you. Family heirloom.

Sorry about earlier.

You got done. Yeah.

So do you, um...

Do you have any hobbies? Or...

THEY GIGGLE

Oh, no, don't worry. That's stupid.

No, it's not stupid!

Oh, no, sorry, I just feel a bit, just...

Just had a bit to drink earlier, that's all. I can tell.

Are you...? What are you doing now?

I'm just going to drive home. You can drive? Yeah.

I passed with two minors. Fair play.

Well, um... I could show you around,

just to know the area and stuff,

but you don't have to if you don't want to, just...

Yeah. All right.

OK, cool. Let's do it. Yeah, let's go.

Right, see this roundabout?

Lydia did her first titty wank on here.

THEY LAUGH

Traditional Welsh cuisine, is it? Yeah, I've got the same.

This is where you come to pick up prostitutes.

Is this all just roundabouts?

Someone bit my nipple there.

I can shove it down in one.

You go first.

INDISTINCT

ENGINE STOPS

CAM CHUCKLES

What?

Nothing, it's just funny that we're sat in a car park for doggers.

See that two flashes? Mm.

Yeah? That means, "You wank, I watch."

No, it doesn't. It does, honestly.

Don't turn the music down, though.

You'll hear balls slapping.

CAM BANGS DOOR

Ugh!

Are these balls made of concrete?

Shouldn't this be in a museum?

Er, yeah, alongside your family heirloom.

What is that?

It's a iPod Shuffle, mate. All right.

That's actually full of bangers, I'll have you know.

Every song on there has a piece in my heart. Mm.

So how come you moved here?

Er, we've moved a few times, actually.

Me mum's the manager of a gym.

She mega-fit?

Yeah, she runs marathons.

Is she a MILF?

Objectively speaking, yeah.

Would I fancy her?

Don't know. Don't know what your type is.

So, um, will you go back to Manchester for uni?

No, I'm not going to do uni.

What? It'll be like Big Brain Central.

CAM LAUGHS

Cool. Very cool.

Erm, no, I thought about it,

but, like, my mum always said,

"I'm going to teach you how to think, not tell you what to think."

And with uni, it's just, like, we all pay thousands of pounds to go

and have our brains coded in the exact same way.

Like, just have us all regurgitating the exact same lessons

on the exact same subjects.

Turning us into sheep, basically. And they charge you for it.

It's a scam.

Well, your mum did a good job, because I like the way you think.

Well, I am Big Brain Central, after all.

What are you going to do?

Don't know, not sure.

So...what will you do if you don't go to uni?

I'm going to go to Marseilles.

Really? Yeah, my dad's from there.

Is he?

Can you speak French? Um...

..I can actually, yeah.

Say something.

THEY GIGGLE

Erm, je suis dans une voiture

avec une mof qui est insupportable mais...

..je l'aime bien comme meme.

Oh, my God, that's so fucking cool.

What did you say?

It's a secret. Say something in Welsh.

OK.

SHE CLEARS HER THROAT

Ready?

Ydy DVD fi yn dy dy di?

BETH SNORTS

What? What does that mean?

"Is my DVD in your house?"

Oh, wow. Well, thank you for saying that. It really means a lot.

Pleasure.

Is my DVD in your house, though? No, absolutely not, mate.

THEY SIGH

You still wasted?

No.

No.

Um, I should probably go. My mum's going to kill me.

Aren't you going to kiss me?

What?

I thought that's why you pretended to want to show me around.

Rate yourself. Fucking hell.

OK.

Cool.

Cool.

CAM GIGGLES

I should probably take you home, shouldn't I?

Don't want your mum to kill you. Yeah.

ENGINE SPLUTTERS

Fuck! What?

Ah!

We've had the music on. The battery's flat.

Oh, no! OK, shit, um...

OK. What do we do? We need jump leads.

Well, let's just ask the doggers.

Hm, what? Yeah, it's fine.

No way! That's too mental! What? They're just having a wank.

They're not murderers. Absolutely not.

You mad? Don't get out of this car!

There's so much shit in your car. You've done this before, have you?

DOOR CLOSES

Let's just walk until we've got signal. No, it's fine, come on.

Hello!

Hello, can anyone help us, please?

THEY GIGGLE

My God!

I'm going to knock on a window. Come on.

I think it'll be great.

CAR APPROACHES

What's wrong?

Yeah, this is...

This is mad. Let's just walk. Come on. Let's go.

# If you ask me one more question I'm about to crash

# If you ask me one more question

# If you ask me one more question I'm about to crash

# Look around, there's no competition

# Where the heavy drinkers at?

# Kind of like a presence If you ask me one more question

# It's kind of like an attitude

# It's kind of like a rhythm If you ask me one more question

# Can I learn the way you move?

# It's kind of like a prison If you ask me one more question

# Where there's not much to see

# I kind of like the distance If you ask me one more question

# To keep you away from me

# Deep inside my own illusions, never going back

# Deep inside my own confusion... #