Original subtitles

- * MTV *

[boom]

[epic music]

[metal scraping]

* *

- Heh heh heh heh. - Heh heh heh heh.

- Ow!

[lasers zap]

Whoa!

- Cool. Heh heh heh heh.

- Aah!

[lasers zap]

Aah!

- Hee hee hee hee.

[lasers zapping]

- Aah!

Ow! Damn it, Butt-Head.

Ow! Space sucks.

- Heh heh heh. That was cool.

[boom]

[epic music]

* *

[dramatic vocalization]

[explosions booming]

* *

- Heh heh heh heh. - Heh heh heh.

- Oh, hello. I'm Butt-Head.

Heh heh heh.

- And I'm Beavis. Heh. Heh. Welcome.

Heh heh heh.

- Some of you may be wondering where

we've been since we saw you last.

Well, it's quite a tale.

A tale of two heroes on a quest to score,

across time and space.

It's a story of sex, violence, power--

- Yeah, and fire, heh, yeah, fire, heh.

Yeah, don't forget about that.

- It all began one ordinary day,

a day just like any other.

Heh heh. - [whacking] Ow! Ow!

Ow! Heh. Ow! Heh.

Ow...heh...ow...heh...

Aah! Ow!

Aah! Ow! Heh...ow!

- What are you two doing?

- Ow! Heh.

- Uh...we're trying to find out how many times

I can kick Beavis in the nads before he passes out.

- Yeah, heh.

- And that's your science fair project?

- Uhh...

what science fair?

- Yeah, what's that?

- Heh heh - Heh heh heh.

- Well, it's too bad you didn't take this more seriously, okay?

The winner of the science fair this year

gets a free trip to NASA Space Camp.

- Whoa.

Space camp?

That's pretty cool, Butt-Head.

What if we really did do a nad-kicking

science experiment and, and like,

we did measurements

and we wrote stuff down with a pencil

like you're supposed to and--

and maybe we could prove everybody wrong

and win the whole science--

[whack] - Aah!

- Heh heh.

Whoa.

[inspirational music plays]

- Beavis, I have an idea for our science fair project.

Heh heh heh heh.

Uh, okay, now stand here.

- Okay.

- Heh heh heh.

- Okay.

You're not gonna kick me in the nads again, are you?

- No, I'm not, Beavis.

Those days are over.

- Oh, good. That's a relief.

That is the best news I've heard all day.

Heh heh heh.

What's that thing?

[screams]

[crowd gasps]

[crack] - Aah!

- Aah!

Ahh--uhh-- [grunting]

[fire alarm rings]

[coughs, grunts] - Beavis!

Beavis, what the hell are you doing?

- Did we win the science fair? - Even better, Beavis.

We kicked its ass.

Check it out.

- Whoa! Fire! Fire!

Fire! Heh. Fire!

- Beavis and Butt-Head,

this court hereby finds you guilty.

- Yes! - Yeah!

Kick-ass, yeah.

- Please rise.

Do you have anything to say before I pass sentence?

- Uhh, if it like pleased the court,

or something?

In my defense, I was trying to kick Beavis in the nads.

- And I just want to say, Your Majesty,

that, um, the explosions were really cool.

Amen. Heh heh.

- Many have said, when it comes to sentencing,

I'm the toughest judge in the state.

And they're right.

But last night, I watched a show called

"Touched by an Angel," and it made me think.

When I look at these two boys today,

I don't see their failure.

I see our failure.

- He said "touched." - Heh heh heh.

- Heh, heh, yeah, heh.

- You boys like explosions, don't you?

- Uh. Yeah.

- And fire. Heh heh heh.

- Well, you know who else liked explosions?

Neil Armstrong.

And the only difference between him and you

is he had the benefit of supportive families

and teachers.

- Families. Heh heh heh.

- You know what Neil Armstrong did?

- Did he score?

- He was the first man on the moon.

- Yeah, yeah.

- We never found out who

won that trip to space camp,

because the records were lost when the gym burned down.

But whoever it was is going to be fine.

They're going to go on to good colleges and fine careers.

So I say, why not give opportunity

to those who really need it

and unlock the potential of these two at-risk youths?

I hereby sentence Beavis and Butt-Head

to eight weeks of Space Camp.

- O-o-oh, no!

[uplifting music plays]

* *

[indistinct chatter]

- Heh heh heh heh.

It says Johnson.

- Heh heh heh. - Boi-oi-oi-oing...

- Good morning.

I'm Commander Serena Ryan,

and I'm captain of the Space Shuttle Endeavor.

And I'm Jim Hartson,

the lieutenant commander, which is also an important--

- This week, you'll have a front row seat

while we prepare to take a very important mission

into space. - Yep.

- We're gonna bring a new

telescope to the Mir space station

and use it to observe a small black hole.

- Hole.

- Heh heh heh heh. - Heh. Heh.

- Albert Einstein and Nathan Rosen theorized

black holes could contain rifts

in the very fabric of the universe, or wormholes,

that could allow one to travel through time and space.

- Wormhole? Uh-heh-heh.

- Yeah, I always wondered how worms score.

- To my right here is a model of the entry port

of Russia's Mir Space Station,

where we're going to have to execute

a very difficult docking maneuver.

I'm going to turn things over to Officer Hartson now

and he's going to show us how it works.

[mechanical whirring]

- Whoa!

- Oohh, yeah!

[snickering]

[Mechanical whirring] [snickering]

- Oohh, yeah. - Whoa.

- Heh heh heh.

- Okay, space campers.

Now, the fun stuff-- Orbital mechanics.

Come on. group: Yeah!

- Heh heh heh heh.

- Heh. Heh-heh. - Heh.

Oohh, yeah!

[mechanical whirring] [snickering]

- Oohh, yeah! - Whoa!

[snickering continues]

- Oohh, yeah! - Whoa!

- Oh! - Whoa...

[snickering continues]

- Oohh, yeah. - Whoa!

- Oohh, yeah, get it! - Whoa.

- Yeah. - Heh heh heh.

- I hope you're not spending

too much with the space campers, Serena.

NASA has a lot riding on this mission.

- Hey, you guys have to see this.

It's amazing.

- Ooh, yeah! - It's these two kids

from Space Camp-- they're phenomenal!

They've been doing this for 18 hours

without food or water.

It's almost like they have an unhealthy

single-minded obsession with it.

- Check this out, Butt-Head. [whirring]

[whirring] [Beavis snickers]

- They're using the robotic arm

as a secondary backup in case of mechanical failure.

No one's ever thought of that.

- Incredible.

- They're brilliant.

- Wait a minute.

What if we brought them on the mission to do the docking?

- You want those two to go up in space

and dock the actual space shuttle

to the Mir space station?

- And also, I thought I was gonna do that--

- Think of the PR.

Two at-risk youths turned astronauts?

We could finally get Americans interested

in the space program again.

What do we have to lose? - Nothing, I don't think.

- They'll never make it through the training.

- But if they do?

- Whoa! - Yeah!

- We'll see.

- Oohh, yeah. - Hey, boys.

- Shut up! We're busy. - Let me ask you something.

How would you guys like to do that...

but do it for real?

- Whoa. You want us to do that...

for real? - Whoa. Heh heh.

- That's right. I want you to do that for real.

In space, with me.

- W-w-with you? Heh. Heh.

- That's right. - Whoa!

- Yes! - Absolutely.

- Yes! A thousand times yes!

- I like your enthusiasm. But it's gonna be hard work.

You're gonna have to practice doing this a lot.

For hours, every day.

- Yeah, I--I already do. Yeah, heh.

In the bathroom, yeah.

Sometimes, in the teacher's lounge.

- Heh-heh. Ma'am.

We've been waiting our entire lives for this opportunity.

We will not let you down.

[dramatic music]

- Then let's start your training.

- Yeah! - Heh heh heh.

* *

- Beavis.

The government is about to train our schlongs.

- For all mankind. [snickers]

[mechanical whirring] - Whoa!

- Hey, Butt-Head, what part of sex does this train us for?

- Uh...I think it's the part

where your face hurts or something.

- Oh, yeah, yeah. That's gonna be good, yeah.

[[echanical whirring] - Oohh, yeah.

[smacking sound] - Get it! Yeah, yeah!

[snickering]

[both groaning]

- Does everybody who scores have to do this?

- Uhhh...probably.

- Ugh. - Damn it.

[snickering]

[mechanical whirring] [snickering]

- Not bad.

[airplane engines revving]

- Heh-heh. Heh.

- Damn it, Beavis, stop barfing or you're going to

make me bar--

[both groaning]

- Uh... - Yeah, boy.

- Well, that concludes your training.

So what do you think?

Are you ready to do it?

- Yeah, I was ready before, but now I know how

to do it upside down, or something.

- Yeah.

I'm ready to do it right now, if you want.

- That's what I like to hear.

Now, go get yourselves cleaned up.

- Beavis, tomorrow, we are going to score with that lady.

[snickering] - In outer space?

- Wherever she wants it.

Outer space, the back of a car, I don't care.

- Yeah, me neither.

- Well? What do you think?

- I think NASA has a couple new astronauts.

[uplifting music]

* *

[crowd cheering]

- Do you know how few people

have done what you're about to do?

- Um. No.

- Only 256 men and 49 women.

- That's a little more than I was hoping,

but, you know, that's okay.

- From 16 different countries,

ranging in age from 28-77.

- Jesus Christ! We get it.

- And that's not even counting the Russian dog and the monkey.

- Enough! [nervous giggling]

- Of course, there were some who didn't make it.

- We're not going to be one of those, ma'am.

I can assure you.

- Yeah, we understand the risks.

- Mr. Beaven. Mr. Boothroid.

You're the youngest astronauts ever on the space shuttle.

What's this moment feel like?

- Oh, hold on a second.

I've got something I want to say.

Heh heh heh.

Um, I just wanna say

I've wanted to do this my whole life,

but I never thought it would really happen,

and I dreamed about it every night

and then--and then I'd wake up

and feel ashamed and I'd try to hide it from my mom.

But today, my dream will come true.

- Heh heh heh. - And, um,

I just want to say that makes me the luckiest man

in the world.

[applause]

[crowd cheers]

- Boi-oi-oi-oing!

- 10, 9, 8, 7, 6...

- Counting sucks.

- [snickers]

- 2, 1, lift-off.

- Fire! Fire! Fire!

* *

- Endeavor, you are a go for orbital operations.

[Beavis snickering] - Damn it.

- I think the floor's not working.

- How are you boys doing?

- Well, Serena, um, do you wanna like just do it right now?

or I was thinking maybe we could--

- We don't need you

until we dock with the Mir in three hours.

Until then, do you wanna see something amazing?

[clank, whoosh]

Sunrise over Mother Earth.

Incredible, isn't it?

- Is it three hours yet? [giggling]

- This is the best view on the whole ship.

That's why they put the controls for the telescope here.

Don't mess with those, unless you want to risk

breaking a $2 billion piece of equipment.

- Now it's probably three hours, right?

[snickering]

- Take it all in while you can. Just think, all of life,

everything we've ever known,

is down there on that beautiful blue marble.

[uplifting violin music]

* *

- Ehh. The Earth sucks.

Let's mess with those things.

Heh heh heh.

[mechanical whirring]

[clanging]

All I see is, like, nighttime or something.

- Let's point it at the sun.

- Cool, yeah. Heh heh. Maybe we'll see some fire.

[dramatic chords]

- Let's have a look here. See what we can see.

[sizzling sounds] Aah!

I saw something but, like, it went away.

- Try the other eye. You've got two of them.

- Oh yeah, yeah, heh. Good idea.

Look over here and-- aah!

- Beavis, you can't do anything right.

Step aside.

[Butt-Head screams distantly]

[scream continues]

[hissing]

- Okay, boys. It's go time.

[boys snickering]

- It's kinda dark. - Let me help you there.

It can be tough, your first time in space.

- Thank you, ma'am.

- Are you ready to do it?

- Yeah, but I thought you wanted us

to do the docking first.

- Commence docking sequence.

[heroic music]

[snickering]

* *

- See? They're doing great.

[console beeping]

[dramatic music]

* *

[alarm beeping]

Wait. What are you doing?

What are they doing?

- No, no, stop! - No, no, no--

[overlapping yelling] Beavis: What's going on?

[alarms beep] - Whoa!

[clank] - Ow! Somebody hit us!

[overlapping shouting]

[fire alarm blaring] - Fire!

- Fire! Fire!

Damn it, I can't see it.

Fire!

[click] - Endeavor.

Endeavor, can you hear me?

- We copy, Houston.

- Endeavor, your situation is critical.

You've lost 91% of your oxygen

and 93% of the fuel you need to return to Earth.

The Mir has been damaged,

causing an international incident with Russia.

We've missed our window to observe the black hole

which will next be this close to Earth in 34 trillion years.

Also... [static]

- And now we've lost comms with Earth.

- Uhh...

well, if you're looking for some good news,

I can see again. [snickering]

- Yeah, we're ready to try the docking now.

- Looks like you guys got in a wreck.

- Heh-heh. Yeah, what happened?

- We're gonna make it back to Earth.

I promise you that.

But here's the problem.

I don't know how to say this,

so I'm just gonna get right to it.

There are seven of us,

and we only have enough oxygen for five people

to make it home alive.

So we all have a decision to make.

Two people need to sacrifice themselves.

- Um, heh. Now, look, um, heh.

I-I think we're all thinking the same thing here.

Can we put the TV back on?

- Yeah, but something cool this time, 'cause that show sucked.

- Yeah, yeah, really. "You have no oxygen."

Blah, blah, blah, blah. - No, we can't put

the TV back on-- that was our last

communication with Earth.

- You know... - Captain, if I can make

a suggestion-- - Guys.

I volunteer.

- Captain, no. - You can't be serious.

- I'm the captain of this ship.

It would be easy to blame our predicament

on the mistakes of two absolute idiots.

- Boy, I'm glad you said it and not us.

Heh-heh. - Yeah, really.

Where'd you find these two dumbasses?

- No, you! I'm clearly talking about you.

But I chose you for this mission.

And ultimately,

the responsibility lies with me.

- I'll volunteer too.

If this is the end,

I wanna make it count for something.

- End. [snickering]

- I'm gonna put on my suit and take one last spacewalk.

It's how I always wanted to go.

- Wait a minute, where's she going?

Is it time to score? Heh heh heh.

- Beavis, they put us in this rocket thing

for one reason: to score with Serena.

It's gonna be one giant leap for our schlongs.

- Yeah, for all mankind. [both snickering]

[sentimental music]

- Uh, Serena?

- What?

- I-I just wanted to thank you for choosing us for this honor.

I know I'm not the first guy

most people would pick, but you did and...

and I'll be thankful for the rest of my life.

[snickering] That's all.

- Your actions this day will not soon be forgotten.

- Maybe I misjudged you two.

Listen.

This belonged to my grandmother. She used to tell me,

"Keep dreaming your dreams." - Mm-hmm.

- "One day, they might just come true."

- Ha. - I want you to have it.

- Okay. Heh.

- Watch me through the window, doing what I love.

One last time.

My dream's over... - Uh-huh.

- But I hope someday your dream comes true.

I've gotta go put on my suit.

- Whoa, she wants us to watch her change through the window.

Heh heh heh heh.

- Are you sure about that, Butt-Head?

- Of course, dumbass. You heard her.

She said watch me through the window

and your dreams will come true.

- Oh yeah.

- And she gave us this bracelet to seal the deal.

- Yeah. [snickering]

[whoosh]

[snickering over transmitter]

Oh, yeah. Heh.

[soft, emotional music]

* *

[silent snickering] - Are you shitting me?

[dramatic chords]

Okay. I've had enough of these dickheads.

[mechanical whirring]

[whack]

- Enjoy space.

- Now that I'm about to be captain,

things are gonna be a little different around here.

First of all--oh. Hello!

- I have some extremely distressing news to share.

Specialist Beavis and Specialist Butt-Head

made the very brave and noble decision

to sacrifice themselves.

- Oh, that's awful. - What a tragedy.

- So, no reason for me to volunteer, then?

Okay.

Just so we're clear, then... I un-volunteer.

I did volunteer, you know. For the record.

You can tell people.

[boys continue snickering]

[thud] - Aah!

- Aah! - Ohh--

- Believe me, I tried to talk them out of it.

But they felt it was the right thing to do,

and they left the airlock before I could stop them.

- Oh, no-- - But while their tragically,

brief lives may be over,

they will live forever in our memories.

[snickering over radio]

Yeah. [snickering]

- The elaborate dance of seduction continues.

- Yeah, she really knows how to build the anticipation.

You know what I'm saying?

Whoa! Um, Butt-Head?

What is that thing?

It feels like sucking us in or something.

- Uh...it looks like some kind of gigantic hole.

And it's black. Wait a minute, Beavis.

I think I know what kind of hole this is.

- Really?

- It's a butthole. [snickers]

- No, no, no. No way. No thanks.

I don't want to die in a butthole!

I have dreams about it all the time--no! No way!

- Settle down, Beavis. - Uh-oh-ahh!

[screams echo]

- Aah! - Aah!

[eerie music]

[both coughing]

- Umm, Butt-Head.

Where are we?

- Uh...I don't know. - Are we still in space?

- Whoa, Beavis. You're not gonna believe this.

Look at that number, up there on the billboard.

- Let's see, um--heh.

There's a two. And then, um, some kind of circle.

And I don't know what that is,

I've never seen one of those before.

- No, dumbass. Not that number.

That one.

69.

[snickers]

- Um, so anyway, um, are we still in space, though?

[snickers]

- Whoa, Beavis. Look, it's Serena.

- Whoa!

- I guess she like made a big sign so we'd remember

we're supposed to score with her.

- Oh, yeah, yeah.

You know, that's really thoughtful of her,

she's a really nice lady.

- Well, let's go do her.

[military drums]

* *

- The missing nuke is somewhere here in the Caucasus Mountains.

It is our nation's highest priority to find it.

- It's happened.

- Excuse me.

- We've detected a major space-time breach

in American airspace.

- My God.

- And something came through it--

two lifeforms.

- Who could it be? The Chinese...Russia?

- Or aliens.

- This is why we needed that space telescope

to observe the black hole in '98--damn it!

Whatever they are,

we need to get down there and find them.

- And dissect them.

- Get Alpha Team on the plane. We're wheels up in five minutes.

[dramatic music]

[eerie music]

* *

- That's better.

- You can't score with these things on.

- Greetings, Beavis and Butt-Head.

- We bring you a grave warning.

- Uh...who are you fart knockers?

- We are you, from what your primitive planet

would call an "alternate universe."

- A what? - An alternate universe.

- Uh...a what?

- Um, did you see the cartoon Spider-Man movie, per chance?

- Uh...no. - Oh.

That would have made explaining it a lot easier.

- Our names are unknowable to your puny brains.

But you may call us Smart Beavis

and Smart Butt-Head.

- You see, in infinite universes,

there are infinite iterations of every person.

Every possible version of you exists,

and we are the most intelligent versions.

- Uh...did any of the other versions ever score?

- No. [dramatic chord]

No version of Beavis and Butt-Head has ever scored.

- That is true in every reality.

- Cool.

We're gonna be the first ones.

- Oh, yeah.

- Humorous, quite humorous. Yes.

- Droll, very droll, yes. Whimsical.

- That is amusing, yes. Quite jocular, yes.

- Mirthful, yes. [boys snickering]

- Okay, that's enough frivolity.

When you went through the black hole,

you traveled through a five-dimensional portal

in space and time.

- But in so doing,

you damaged the delicate structure of the cosmos.

- Damage is cool.

- And now, both of our universes

face total destruction.

- And so we come to you for help.

- There's a space-time portal

that will return you to your time.

- You must enter this portal before it closes in two days,

or everything you have ever known will be gone forever.

- The portal is located on the highest point

on your planet, atop your "Mount Everest."

- This is your quest.

- You have exactly two days.

May science be with you.

- You said "mount," Smart Beavis.

- Yes, their primitive language

has two meanings for that word, yes.

- Humorous, quite jocular.

- Very droll and whimsical, yes, yes.

- What did they say? - Uhh. I don't know.

I think they were like British or something.

Okay, now let's go score.

[snickering]

- Um, we're here for Serena.

- She probably told you about us.

So if you can just like, you know,

tell her we're ready to get down with it.

Heh heh heh heh.

- Okay, so you want to volunteer?

Maybe do some canvassing for Serena?

- Canvassing?

We've never done this before, so like,

maybe just, you know, the regular way.

- I wanna volunteer my wiener.

[snickering]

- Why don't we just step over here

so we can get a picture of you two.

- Do we need to, like, take our clothes off or something?

- Yeah.

- We're gonna score!

[camera lens clicks]

* *

- Oh, these polls are horseshit.

Can you remind me why I'm paying you

to get me re-elected governor?

- And me re-elected lieutenant governor, which is also--

- Well, Governor, our new strategy is youth outreach.

- Youth outreach. - Our campaign teams

have been recruiting young volunteers

to use for a new ad campaign.

We brought some pictures for you to look at.

- Pictures, okay. - No, no.

Loser. Eww.

No.

[dramatic chords]

Clear the room.

- I'm assuming you wanted me to stay,

because I'm second in command.

- Look at this.

They look exactly like those kids I killed

on the mission in '98.

- Wow. They really do.

But they can't be the same kids--that's impossible.

- It's them. I know it.

I spent three weeks stranded in space because of those two,

certain I would die.

Drinking my own urine.

We had to eat flight specialist Jung.

- Yeah, I didn't actually get to eat any--

- And then 24 years

haunted that I had killed two people,

that the world would find out what I'd done.

- Yes, sometimes I wish I didn't know that

because it sorta puts me in a tricky position

going-to-jail-wise.

- They must have fallen into the black hole somehow.

Traveled through an Einstein-Rosen wormhole.

- That's amazing.

I mean, we have to tell the scientific community--

- We have to kill them before they tell everyone what I did.

- Right kill them. Yep. Mm-hmm, no, that's what I meant.

That's yeah, okay, good.

- I just hope we're not too late.

Get the helicopter.

Tell them I'm gonna go visit some sick--

I don't know-- veterans or dogs.

- Why wasn't she there, Butt-Head?

Why would she put up a big picture

of herself and then not be there?

- Uh...it's a little game she's playing.

She wants us to chase her.

- Oh yeah. Here we come.

- Excuse me. Excuse me.

Please would you to take this?

- Uh, take it? - Yes.

- Okay.

- No, you hold like this and look here.

- Whoa. Check it out, Beavis.

That guy just gave us a cool little TV.

- Heh. Do you have any bigger TVs?

- Uh, this show sucks.

It's like just these fat people standing there.

- I don't know, Butt-Head. It's not that bad. Heh heh.

- Is good?

Should we back up?

- Uh, Okay.

- Like this or more backing up?

- Uh...

We're trying to watch TV.

- Like thi--ahh!

[both snickering]

- That was cool.

- Yeah, it's like the show really found itself, you know.

Glad we stuck with it.

- Uh, we want some nachos, but we don't have any money.

- So why don't you just pay with your phone?

- Uh...you mean this thing?

- Here. I'll show you, what's your password?

- Ehh, password?

- Your password is password.

That's original.

- Whoa, we just paid for that with this?

- Yeah, you can pay for anything with your phone.

- Whoa. Anything?

- That's right. Anything at all.

- Beavis, this changes everything.

[Fat Joe's "Make it Rain"]

- * Shit, Scottie, shit *

* Let's make it rain on these niggas *

* *

* Yeah, I'm in this business of terror *

* Got a handful of stacks, better grab an umbrella *

* I make it rain, I make it rain *

* I'm in this business of terror *

* Got a handful of stacks *

* Better grab an umbrella *

* I make it rain, I make it rain *

* Make it rain on them hos *

* I make it rain, I make it rain *

* I make it rain on them hos, I make it rain *

* I make it rain, I make it rain on them hos *

* I make it rain, I make it rain *

* I make it rain on them hos *

* Cr-cr-crack crack crack crack crack *

* You hear the echo *

* Man, I seen the best go *

* Cuz he ain't had that metal *

* I'm a hustla hustla *

* A pusher's pusher * [commotion]

- Ugh! - * You busta customer *

* I get you sum cooka *

* Yeah, crack is a chemist *

* I pack an 11 *

* I'm mackin' a 7 *

* I clap at your reverend *

* I'll see you in NY *

* I'll send you an invite... *

[snickering, slurping slushie]

[dramatic musical sting]

- Sir, based on eyewitness interviews,

we've made a composite sketch of the life forms.

- Whatever they are, they're definitely not human.

- Uh, send up 100 more orders of nachos.

- Hey Butt-Head, this phone kicks ass and everything.

But we need to find Serena.

- Shut up, Beavis.

I'm speaking with the nacho man.

[snickers]

You see what I have to deal with?

- Hey, seriously. Siri: How can I help you?

- Whoa, um, who is this?

- I'm Siri. I'm here to help.

- It's Serena. Hey Butt-Head.

Butt-Head! - Damn it, Beavis,

I told you to shut up.

Do those nachos come with side orders of nachos?

- Hey, hello.

- How can I help you? - Hey, how's it going? Yeah.

Good to talk to you. Yeah.

So, um, I was wondering, um, you know, like, um,

when we're going to score you know?

- Notre Dame is losing to Alabama 7 to 0.

- Yeah, that's interesting.

Um, so um, I know you probably like Butt-Head more,

but I was thinking-- - I don't understand Butt-Head.

- Yeah, me neither.

Like, he thinks he can tell me what to do,

and he's always trying to kick my ass for no reason.

And it just gets old after a while.

You know? I'm tired of it.

- How can I help you?

- Oh, just you know, like, listening you know,

helps a lot.

I guess I never really had anybody, you know, like to

actually listen like when I'm talking and stuff, you know?

Heh heh heh.

Like nobody hears the real Beavis.

You know what I'm saying?

- I don't understand Beavis.

- You know, neither do I sometimes.

Yeah. Neither do I. [giggling]

- And don't skimp on the nacho cheese sauce,

or I'm talking to the manager.

Ugh.

Beavis? Beavis?

- You know, it's like sometimes when I talk to you,

you know, I have this like strange feeling.

It's like I'm happy and sad at the same time.

I don't know what it means.

- Do you want me to search the web?

- Yeah, spider webs kick ass. Yeah.

Maybe we can search for some. Yeah.

- A spider web is a structure created by a spider

out of proteinaceous spider silk.

- [sighs]

It feels good to talk.

- Open the door, butthole.

- I don't understand butthole. - Leave us alone!

- Damn it, Beavis, are you talking to Serena?

Unlock the door now!

- I can't unlock the door.

First you need to set up the Home app.

Would you like me to help you set up your home?

- Wait a minute. You're in our home?

- Would you like me to help you set up your home?

- Butt-Head, she's at the house!

We need to go home right now so we can score.

- Notre Dame is losing to Alabama 17-10.

Walking directions to 322 Woodson St., Highland, Texas.

- [snickers]

Wood. [both giggling]

- Your trip will take 167 hours.

- We'll be there before sunset, Beavis.

- We just missed them, sir.

- They wanted us to find this.

[Geiger counter ticks]

- Definitely not human.

- They paid for the room with a phone,

so we were able to get a recording of their voices.

- Woodson. [snickers]

You have wood, son.

Boing. [laughing]

- It's crude, but they're learning

to approximate human speech.

I'll know more when I dissect their mouthparts.

- We've got GPS lock on the phone.

- Let's move.

- Governor, oh, my gosh,

I can't believe I finally get to meet you.

- And I'm the lieuten--

- I'm just so interested in all my young supporters,

but particularly these two.

- Oh, them.

- Did they say anything about me?

Or tell you why they were here?

- No. Mostly they just laughed a lot.

From the minute I introduced myself.

- Introduced yourself?

What's your name?

- I'm Richard Whack.

[dramatic music] - Dick Whack.

- Well, I've always gone by Richard for that very rea--

- It really is them. - Damm it.

Order a roadblock on all roads leading out of town.

Say it's--do people still care about terrorism?

- I do, Governor. - Let's go with that.

- And so does the whole Whack family.

- Um, Butt-Head, um, I was wondering something, um...

I had a conversation with this chick one time.

And so, um, I was wondering, um,

how do you know when you're like, in love?

You know, what I'm saying?

- What wuss-ass thing did you just say, Beavis?

- Uh, never mind, never mind. [snickers]

I'm just gonna take a whiz, Butt-Head.

I'll just go ahead and get that from you.

Be right back. - Uh, okay.

- Hey, Serena. How's it going?

[phone chimes] - I'm happy to be here.

- It's good to hear your voice.

- I can't change my voice.

But you can do it yourself in settings.

- Oh, no, no, no, I like your voice.

I just want to say, you know, like, um,

we were eating some nachos, you know?

And I love nachos, you know?

And then, um, and then I was thinking about you and me.

And I just want to say that I also love, um,

I mean--

- I didn't get that. Could you try again?

- You know what I'm talking about though, right?

You know, it's a word that starts with an L, I think,

or something, I mean, maybe you could say it first.

I mean, you know, if you want to.

[snickers]

- Sorry, I'm having trouble connecting to the network.

- Uh-huh. And? And?

[banging on door] - Damn it, Beavis.

You better not be talking to Serena in there.

- No, no, I'm just spanking my monkey.

- You better be.

- I don't understand spanking my monkey.

- Damn it, Beavis, you lying son of a bitch.

[grunting]

- Anyway, Serena, I was just gonna say,

and I've never said this

to any girl before but, um...

I--I love--

- Damn it! - No, no, no.

[splash]

[echoes] No!

- We just lost the phone signal.

- Damn it!

- You dumbass.

Now get it before it gets all covered with turds.

- I don't see it, Butt-Head. Maybe it's deeper in.

If I can just get--

[screams] Get me out of here!

- Do you see it now? - It stinks!

- Damn it, Beavis, you gotta really get down there.

You're not even trying. - Come on. Help me.

- Uh, okay, Beavis, I'll help you.

Guess I have to do everything myself.

- Get me out of here now!

- Come on, get in there, you lazy son of a bitch.

- There's turds down here!

- I don't care about your turds, Beavis.

Now get down there. We need that phone to score.

- They must have known we were tracking their phone and put it

in some sort of signal blocking device or Faraday cage.

- They've studied our tradecraft.

They're good.

- Aah! Turd!

["On the Road Again" plays]

[boys continue yelling, grunting]

- Damn it!

- What's rolling around down there?

- Get me outta here!

[continues yelling]

There's turds down here.

* *

- [snoring]

["On the Road Again" continues]

* *

- * On the road again...*

- Time to wake up, Beavis.

- Ah! Ah! Where am I?

Turds!

If I can...[splashing] I can see it--

[grunts] I found it!

Damn it, that's not a phone.

- There it is, dumbass.

- Oh, yeah, yeah, I didn't see it there.

- You're disgusting, Beavis.

- Your trip to Woodson Street, Highland

will take 274 hours.

- Whoa, she's counting the hours.

Let's get moving, Beavis. [snickers]

[dramatic music]

- Sir, we've got a lock on the phone again.

- Change course to intercept. - We won't lose them this time.

- What is this? Is this college or something?

- It could be.

Something sucks. - Oh, boy. Heh heh.

Let's get out of here before we learn something, Butt-Head.

- Yeah, really.

[warbling sounds]

- Beavis, Butt-Head, it is we.

- We have made the quest easier.

We have moved the portal.

- Mount Everest seemed like a good idea at the time

for its proximity to space, but the trip was a long-y.

- Are you those guys that are like us

or something?

- We've covered this already.

- The portal is now over there behind the Classics building.

- It is well hidden there because no one

cares about the humanities anymore.

- They want jobs that will allow them to pay off

their student debt.

- Amusing, yes. - Yes, humorous, yes.

- Satirical comment on the times.

- Yes, amusing.

- Seek the portal before all is destroyed.

- The lives of billions depend on it.

- Hurry, you haven't but much time.

- [snickers] He said butt munch.

[both snicker]

- I did not.

But I can see how it would it be quite

humorous if I had-- - Yes, yes humorous.

- Yes, yes, they do sound similar.

Amusing and incongruous.

- Uh, I like those guys.

- How'd they disappear, though?

- Uh, who cares?

Magic sucks.

- Are you sure about this?

Feels a little bit like a wild goose chase.

- Listen, one of our dipshit college

campaign volunteers had some crazy story about how she

saw two teenagers coming out of the same

Porta Potty laughing at nothing,

and one of them was covered in feces and nacho cheese.

Who else could it be?

- Well, when I was in college,

I did some pretty crazy--

- Here's the deal.

If I don't kill those guys, I'm going to be accused of murder.

And if I'm gonna be accused of murder,

I might as well kill those guys.

So we're going to find them. - Mm-hmm.

- Let's take a shortcut through this thing.

- While exaggerating gender norms sometimes winds up

subverting existing paradigms-- [door clangs loudly]

- Don't mind us.

- We just need to get through here so we can score.

- Yeah. There's a slut at our house who's gonna like

do it with us.

Any of you ladies want to join the party?

[students chatter in disgust]

- Hang on, everyone. Hang on.

This is teachable, okay?

Now, they use the word "slut"

in a sex positive way, which is a good thing.

But other than that, these two are a reminder

that we still have a long, hard road ahead of us.

- [snickers] Long, hard.

[both snicker]

- Yeah, like a wiener, or a schlong.

You know, get it? [snickers]

- Uh-huh.

Why don't we start by having you two tell us what you thought

of the reading assignments for today?

- Uh, we don't really read stuff.

- Of course not, because you don't need to.

Because Daddy's connections got you into college

and will get you a job on Wall Street.

- Uh, wait a minute.

Do you know who my dad is?

- I'm sure he's very powerful and can have me fired.

But I don't care.

- Cool. My dad's powerful.

- Oh, that's cool. Yeah. [snickers]

Because Butt-Head's mom said he died of syphilis.

Wow. [snickers]

- This is a classic example of white privilege.

And you both have it.

- Uh, what's that?

- Anyone want to fill them in?

- Yeah, I'll do it.

Okay. So, white privilege

is when white people, particularly men,

automatically assume they can take whatever they want.

- And they never have to worry about

getting stopped by the police.

- And they have the inside track for any job they--

- I've got this one, Aisha.

They have the inside track for any job they want.

- Exactly, Gage, thank you for that.

That's white privilege.

- Whoa, and we have that?

- You sure do.

- I see. - Whoa.

I never realized this stuff.

- Yeah, you've really opened up my eyes.

- Well, I'm glad we've been able to enlighten you.

The real question is, do you think you'll

be acting differently from now on?

- I guarantee it. - Yeah, me too.

[bang!] - Step aside, please.

We have white privilege.

- Yeah, yeah, check it out.

Don't worry, it's okay.

We automatically assume we can take what we want

and we don't have to worry about the police.

It's okay, you didn't know. We didn't either.

Good stuff.

- This is what we were taught, sir.

- We're subverting the existing paradigm.

[alarm blares]

- This rules.

[snickering]

I never thought I'd say this, but I'm glad we went to college.

- Now I have the skills for today's workplace.

- Well, let's see. What should we take next?

Let's take that car.

- But that's a police car.

- Beavis, you dumbass. Didn't you hear?

We don't have to worry about getting stopped by the police.

- Oh, yeah. [snickers]

- Okay, Beavis, let's tear ass.

[tires squeal]

[snickering] That was cool.

- Don't move!

- Uh, sir, maybe you didn't know,

but we have white privilege.

- Get your hands where I can see them.

- I think the problem is you're just uneducated.

- Yeah, we're gonna get jobs on Wall Street.

You guys know where that is?

Cut it out! Our dads are powerful.

They did not die of syphilis.

- Hey, Beavis was driving.

[buzzer] [metallic clang]

We're in jail, Beavis.

This kicks ass.

- Yeah, that youth pastor always said

we'd be here someday.

We finally made it.

- The system works, Beavis.

So, uh, sir?

How long do we have to stay here?

Like an hour?

- We're on our way to go score.

- Well, you got no one to bail you out,

so you'll be here until your arraignment in a month.

I'll come get you then.

- What-- What? A month? - That sucks.

- No, no!

Nooo!

- They ditched the phone.

They could be anywhere.

- This is their work.

They're toying with us.

- It's the Feds. They're on this too.

How much do they know about the murders I committed?

- Oh--attempted.

[chuckles] In--in a video game.

Yeah, I--I wasn't there.

- [snoring]

- Ugh this sucks. [snickers]

- Damn it.

Serena's gonna be at our house,

and we're not gonna be there.

She's gonna think I don't care.

- Heh heh heh. You care.

- I do care.

Sometimes, I think about her,

and I don't even get a boner but I feel good anyway.

- Damn it, Beavis, shut up. You're embarrassing me.

If you don't get a boner when you think about her,

then you don't know what love is.

[buzzer]

- McCabe. Inspection now.

- Shit.

Okay, listen up, kid. You're gonna help me out.

I can't let them find these on me.

So you're going to take 'em.

- Whoa, heh.

You want me to take all of those?

- Yes moron, take them now.

- Okay okay.

Tastes weird. Kinda salty.

- Hey, don't eat em!

Hide 'em in your pants. - Shut up!

- McCabe!

- Heh heh heh heh.

This is gonna be cool.

[Beavis growls]

- Maybe you ought to check on that kid.

- You better shut up, McCabe.

[Beavis growls]

- Which one of you guys does tattoos?

- Hey, you better tell your friend to chill, man.

- Yeah, he's not really my friend.

He just, like, follows me around all the time.

- [maniacal gibberish]

- I think I want to get a tattoo of a butt

right here on my forehead. Heh heh heh.

- [echoing] I am Cornholio!

I need TP for my bunghole!

[snickering]

Do not make my bunghole angry.

I demand TP! - Hmm?

- Give me all your TP!

All your TP now!

- Quit disrespecting me!

- I will find your TP.

- [grunting] - I seek TP.

[humming and snickering]

Do not disrespect my bunghole.

[snickering]

[murmuring]

[Beavis grumbling]

I am Cornholio!

I need TP for my bunghole.

Heh-heh-heh.

[grumbling incoherently]

I demand TP, I demand TP!

More TP!

- Little dude's right, we do need more TP.

- More TP, more TP! [inmates murmuring]

I demand TP!

- Yeah, we want more TP.

- They never give us enough.

- You will not disrespect my bunghole!

- Yeah, they're disrespecting us.

They're disrespecting our bungholes.

[inmates murmuring]

- [grunts] We demand TP!

- That little guy's right about the toilet paper.

- No man can see his own bunghole.

Hm-hm-hm-hm-heh.

- One butt cheek here, and then one here.

Heh-heh.

- Look, are you sure you don't want

a pair of dice or something?

- Dice? Heh-heh-heh.

This is gonna be on my head for the rest of my life, dumbass.

- [chanting] TP! TP!

- You cannot imprison the almighty bunghole!

And now, you must pay!

Hm-heh-heh.

- What the hell?

- I don't get it, sir.

It started out as a simple request for toilet paper,

but now it's out of control.

- You have nothing to lose but your bunghole!

- Prepare the extraction team.

- Who is this guy?

Antifa?

MS-13?

- We ran him and his associate's fingerprints,

and it came back that they died in 1998.

- What the hell?

[alarm blaring]

[guards shouting]

- No man is free while one bunghole is in chains!

- They died in '98?

We're dealing with something here that's beyond explanation.

Have you ever seen a show called "Touched by an Angel"?

- No.

- They always come with a message.

What could his be?

- I am Cornholio!

I need TP for my bunghole!

- [chanting] TP! TP! TP!

- Stand by to take down Cornholio.

- Have you seen my bunghole? Heh-heh.

- When I open this door, unleash hell.

[dramatic music]

- Stand down.

This has turned into something bigger.

Cornholio's their hero.

He did the most dangerous thing you can do in this place.

[inspirational music] He gave those men hope.

And there's a funny thing about hope.

It's contagious.

And these days, well,

I think we need all the hope we can get.

- I hope you can see my bunghole.

- So what are we supposed to do?

- The only thing we can do.

Give those prisoners all the toilet paper we got.

And then we're going to put those two boys

on a bus back to where they came from.

Destroy their records.

And as far as I'm concerned, they were never here.

And with God's help,

we will learn from Cornholio's message today,

and we will become better men.

* *

- I have but one bunghole to give.

Heh-heh-heh, and I give it to you.

[siren blaring]

[truck horns honking]

[cheers and applause]

* *

[ominous music]

- National security?

Well, that sounds important.

But those two boys were never here.

Nope, no record of them at this facility.

- No jail is going to hold those two for long.

And apparently they have the ability

to wipe people's memories.

- And to that end, I'm here to surprise pardon two criminals

as part of my new "Soft on Crime" initiative.

And I'll just take them back

to the Capitol with me in my car.

- We heard about two youngsters arrested

over at TSU for some minor offenses.

- No, no one fitting that description was ever here.

- Really?

Are--are you sure about that?

- Absolutely.

So, who do you want to surprise pardon?

- Uh...

[engine rumbling]

- Ma'am, we just want to say thank you for pardoning us.

We appreciate-- - Shut up.

Where the hell are Beavis and Butt-Head?

- Oh, those guys?

Oh, the warden put them on a bus back to their hometown.

Highland Texas, I think it was.

- Oh.

- Highland Texas.

Finally a stroke of good luck.

[tires screeching] - Whoo-hoo!

Thank you, Governor!

- You know, I guess the lesson to learn from this is,

you probably should have pardoned someone smaller,

because-- - God damn it!

[crickets chirping]

[bus engine rumbling]

[quiet music]

- Heh heh heh.

We're almost there, right, Butt-Head?

Heh heh heh.

- We sure are, Beavis.

It's been a long journey.

Heh-heh.

- Um, Butt-Head? - Uh, yeah?

- What do you think's gonna happen when we score?

Heh-heh-heh.

- Beavis, everything is gonna be different.

Heh-heh.

Just imagine it.

Heh-heh, heh-heh.

[dreamy harp]

- Beavis. - Huh?

- You just scored with me.

- I did?

- Yes, and now I'm your girlfriend.

- Yes!

[laughter]

Whoo!

[giggling] - Check it out.

Heh-heh, yeah!

Oh! - Whoa!

- You're right, Beavis, fire is cool.

- Ow! - [snickering]

- I'm gonna tear your head off and--

- [yells] - [gasps]

- No, you're not!

I'm his girlfriend.

Hi-yah! - Yes!

Yes, yes, yes!

Yes! - [whimpering]

- Hah!

- Ah--

- [whistles]

[whinnying]

[twinkling chimes]

Beavis, from now on, it's just gonna be you and me.

And Butt-Head.

- Heh-heh-heh, heh-heh-heh.

I'm a deer.

Heh-heh-heh-heh. - Heh.

Hm-hm-hm-heh.

[dreamy harp]

[sensual club music]

- Hey Butt-Head, I heard

you put your thingy in a girl's thingy.

- I sure did, heh-heh.

- Did it hurt?

- Nope, heh-heh.

And I was never worried that it would.

Heh-heh.

Wood.

- Oh, Butt-Head, would you please score with us?

- And every other girl you know?

[giggling]

- Indeed.

Heh-heh-heh-heh.

Heh-heh-heh-heh.

[dreamy harp] Heh-heh-heh-heh, heh-heh-heh.

- Highland, end of the line.

[quiet music]

- Beavis.

Beavis, wake up. We made it.

- Yeah, yeah, heh. - Heh-heh.

Yeah, we're gonna score, yeah.

Heh-heh-heh-heh. - This is gonna be cool.

Heh-heh. - Heh, hm-hm-hm-heh.

- Uh, Serena?

Heh-heh. - Serena?

- Um, Butt-Head, what are all these people

doing in our house?

- Uh, are we having a party or something?

- Better not be.

We have to have sex in here. - Heh-heh-heh.

- Welcome, Anita Ross, Castle Realty.

Are you interested in the home?

- Uh, this is our house.

- Oh, yeah, I fell in love with it too.

Let me give you the tour.

- Uh, what did you do to our house?

- Well, the current owner bought the property to flip.

Complete renovation. [chuckles]

- Yeah, this sucks, hm-hm-heh.

- The house was empty for a long time.

Because it belonged to the mother of one of these

two teenagers who died in this accident on the space shuttle.

[whispering] Shirley Beavis.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah, heh.

Whoa, Butt-Head, look, a garbage disposal.

- Yeah, heh, kick ass. - Cool.

- Yeah, it's all brand-new.

Anyway, you won't believe what happened

to Shirley Beavis when her son died in space.

She went totally-- [garbage disposal whirs]

[inaudible under disposal]

[disposal stops] And then, after she blew

through the settlement money, she did something

you wouldn't believe. - Something bigger, yeah.

- She took-- [garbage disposal whirs]

[indiscernible]

Bittersweet thing she said is,

if she could just see her son one more time,

she would tell him these words:

"Son,"-- [garbage disposal whirs]

[indiscernible] - Yeah, grind it, yeah!

[grinding and squelching] [screams]

- That kicks ass.

Heh-heh-heh-heh. - Ow, heh-heh, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, cool, heh-heh-heh. - Heh-heh-heh.

So, um, so where's Serena?

- Who? - Serena, yeah, heh.

Siri for short. - Siri?

- Is she in the bedroom already?

- I mean if there's like, a line,

that's cool and everything, but, uh, we were led

to believe we would get first dibs.

- Shut up, Butt-Head, come on.

- There's no smart home system, if that's what you mean.

There's no Siri here.

- She's not here?

But--but she said--she said she'd be here.

Hm-hm-hm-heh.

She's never lied to us before.

[somber music]

What happened, Butt-Head?

She promised she was gonna be here.

And now she's not.

I thought we had something.

Where is she? - Damn it, Beavis,

how am I supposed to know?

Uh, where's the remote?

Heh-heh.

- What are these things?

- Ahh! - Ugh!

[dramatic chord]

What the hell is that?

- Yeah, where's the TV?

- Uh, they're books.

- What? - Heh-heh.

- Books?

Books?

No, heh, no!

We were supposed to score!

It was gonna be the best thing in the world.

And instead, all we get is books!

The worst thing in the world.

I'm tired of this crap.

It's not fair.

- Damn it, Beavis, this is all your fault.

I would have scored if you hadn't scared her off

with all your wuss feelings talk.

"Oh, Serena, oh, I don't have a boner."

Bleugh!

- Shut up, Butt-Head.

I don't sound like that.

You're the one who scared her off.

You're always calling her a slut.

- That's because she is a slut, Beavis.

[dramatic chord]

She's an S-L,

uh, O or something slut.

She told us herself, remember?

256 men, 49 women, a dog,

a chimpanzee with a wiener the size of a--

- [yells] - Ugh!

Beavis, you've just crossed a line.

And I think we both know what needs to happen now.

- Ah! Butthole!

- Heh-heh. - [grunting]

- [yells] - Butt-Head, I'm gonna kill you,

you son of a bitch!

[grunting] - Oh, my.

I know this can be an emotional decision

for a couple, but... - Beavis, you son of a whore.

- Yeah, all right, here we go, here we go, let's just--

yeah, let's just move this party outside.

- Get your hands off me, bunghole!

- Okay, just go, go, go, go, go, good, good, good, good.

- [grunts]

- My email's on the flyer.

- Damn it, Butt-Head.

I finally found someone, and you're jealous!

- "I have feelings, Serena, wuh-heh-heh, let's hold hands.

"Wuh-heh-heh." - Shut up, Butt-Head!

You're the one who drove her away.

She said she doesn't understand you,

and we talked about spider webs and you ruined everything.

- Damn it, Beavis, Serena never liked you,

she was just talking to you to get to me.

I'm tired of you weighing me down.

I'm gonna get out of here, and don't follow me.

Heh-heh-heh.

- Well, don't follow me.

Butthole! Hehe.

[How Am I Supposed to Live Without You plays]

[rain pouring]

* *

- * I could hardly believe it *

* When I heard the news today *

[men chuckling] * I had to come and get it *

* Straight from you *

* They said you were leaving *

* Someone swept your heart away *

- [grunting]

- * From the look upon your face *

* I see it's true *

* So tell me all about it * - Shut up, dumbass.

- * Tell about the plans you're making *

- [yells]

- * Tell me one thing more before I go *

* Tell my how am I supposed to live without you *

- Heh-heh-heh, heh-heh-heh.

Hey, Beavis, check--

Uh, oh.

dramatic chord]

Let go of me, butthole.

[tires screeching]

- [yells] Hey, hey, what are you--ah,

hey, what are you doing?

[door slams]

[foreboding music] - Hm-hm-hm-heh.

- Are you here because you hate the United States?

- Um, heh, the United States?

Is that, like, part of America or something?

- It's hard to believe this species

mastered interstellar travel.

- Perhaps the two beings share one brain.

Apart, they're barely able to feed themselves.

But together, their intelligence

is beyond what we can even conceive.

- Hm-heh.

- We've located the second creature.

- If we keep them apart, it'll neutralize the threat.

- But if we don't bring them together,

we'll never know their plans for world conquest.

Or the location of their internal sexual organs.

- Heh-heh-heh.

Pipe.

- Stop playing dumb.

Are you here to destroy me?

- Uh, if that's how you want it, baby.

Heh-heh.

But I can also be very gentle.

- Okay, we're not getting anywhere.

- Uh, I don't mind the handcuffs, but like,

is this dumbass gonna be in the room while we're getting it on?

[phone rings] - Who is this?

- Hello, Governor. It appears we each have

something the other wants.

[crickets chirping]

Governor Ryan, the secret Defense Command

demands you turn over your prisoner immediately

for reasons of national security.

- You're sitting too close to me, Beavis.

- You're sitting too close to me.

Butthole, hm-hm-heh.

- As long as you're in the state of Texas, Special Agent,

both those boys belong to me.

- And to a lesser extent me, because I'm the lieutenant--

- There's no ice in this.

- Could your assistant get me some ice as well?

- Oh, I'm not actually her assistant, I'm the lieutenant--

- Hartson, just get us some ice.

[uneasy music]

- Heh, bunghole.

- You're the bunghole, buttwagon.

- The federal government has jurisdiction.

- He said dick.

Heh-heh, heh-heh-heh. - Heh, hm-hm-heh.

It's not that funny, hm-hm-hm-heh.

- Federal law dictates that you turn them over.

- Whoa, he definitely said dick that time.

Heh-heh-heh-heh. - Heh-heh-hm-heh, yeah, heh.

Yeah, so what? It's not that funny, Butt-Head.

So one word sounds like another word,

big deal, who cares?

- So you can ruin me and have me replaced as governor

with one of your deep state assets?

- She said ate ass.

Heh-heh-heh. - Whoa, ate ass.

She said ate ass!

- Jesus, what is wrong with you?

I did not say ate ass.

- She said it again, hm-heh. - Heh-heh-heh-heh.

- Ate ass.

- They're just sitting around saying ate ass.

- Ate ass. - Ate ass.

- They are really annoying. - Ate ass, sir.

- Is there another room we could put them in?

- Ate ass!

- Heh-heh-heh, heh-heh. - Heh-heh-heh, ate ass.

Hm-hm-heh-heh-heh. - Ate ass, heh-heh.

- And then she said she didn't say ate ass,

which made her say it again.

And then we said it, remember?

Hm-hm-hm-heh-heh. - Yeah, that was cool.

- Oh, boy. - Heh-heh-heh.

- Quick, I don't have much time.

I know what Serena did to you on the Endeavor.

- Uh, she hasn't done it yet.

- It's gonna be any minute though, yeah.

- I can help you bring her down.

- Uh, so like, you'd be in the room?

- I'll be right behind you all the way.

- Heh. - Ugh.

Really? - I don't know, Butt-Head,

I guess it's worth it, I mean,

I wouldn't say no to anything at this point.

- Here's the plan.

I left the keys in that green car right down there.

- Mm-hmm. - Okay.

- Take the highway northbound

to the Pecos county rest stop.

- Mm-hmm, sounds good.

- There's a reporter from the morning news

waiting to hear your story.

- Okay. - All right, uh-huh.

- Did you get all that? - Yes, sir, heh-heh.

- Yep, we're gonna score.

Heh-heh-heh. - Damn right.

- I have to go back in there before they get suspicious,

but you've got to get out of here, now.

The people in there want you dead.

What she tried to do to you in '98

she's done to me every day for 24 years.

- Christ, heh-heh-heh. - Whoa, heh-heh.

- There's no need to brag about it.

- I'm going to make sure she can't do it to you

or anyone else ever again.

- Uh, wait a minute,

I think I see what's going on here.

He doesn't want us to score.

That's why he took the handcuffs off.

- Yeah, yeah, because he knows

Serena has a thing for handcuffs.

Yeah, hm-hm-heh. - Exactly.

And that's why he gave us a car,

and directions to someplace far away

where Serena will never find us.

That dirty butthole.

- Damn it! Heh.

What's wrong with that guy?

He's scored every day for--for 24 years.

That's like, um, 50 times.

- We got to get back in there

and get those handcuffs back on, Beavis.

We just outsmarted that son of a bitch.

[tense music]

Damn it, it's locked.

- Quick, Butt-Head, the window.

[grunts]

- [grunts]

- Ah! - Ugh.

Heh-heh. - That was close, hm-hm-heh.

I can't wait to see the look on his face

when he sees that car and we're not in it.

Heh-heh-heh. - Heh-heh-heh.

[laughter]

- [chuckles] What did I miss?

- This is so funny.

We were arguing whether they're aliens

or the boys from the Space Shuttle.

But then we realized, it doesn't matter.

We both want the same thing.

- We want to kill them, and they want to dissect them.

We're all on the same team.

[laughter]

- Well, let's go kill them.

- And dissect them, right, Phil?

- You got me.

[chuckling]

- What the hell?

Uh, just hold on a second.

- What is it, Hartson?

- All this talk about dissecting

is making me curious.

No, you know what, forget it, it's probably way

too complicated for someone like me to understand.

- Hmm.

Oh, no, no, no, on the contrary,

this will just take a minute.

I've got some pictures on my phone.

First, you need to locate the anus.

[cuffs jingling]

- Okay, there, we got 'em closed.

Now let's put our hands in.

- It won't fit, Butt-Head.

How'd we ever get our hands in here in the first place?

- Uh, let's open them up and start over again.

We need a key, heh-heh.

- I think that guy said the keys are in the green car.

Heh-heh-heh-heh. - Uh, oh, yeah.

Heh-heh, good thinking, Beavis.

Heh-heh-heh. - Yeah, heh-heh, thanks.

- I know you're thinking, "I need an expensive scalpel,"

but save your money for the embalming fluid.

There's a guy in Ecuador who can set you up--

- You know what, we don't have time for this.

Let's go kill those boys, huh?

- Heh-heh. [car alarm chimes]

- Damn it. - I think you just, um...

- This key sucks. - Yeah, I don't know.

[car beeping]

[urgent music]

[horn honking]

* *

- They're gone.

- What?

I can't believe it!

- Where could they have gone?

- I think I have an idea.

- Directions to 322 Woodson Street, Highland, Texas.

- Heh-heh-heh.

Wood.

Heh-heh-heh-heh. [urgent music]

- Let's go.

- Damn it. - Hartson, get in the van.

- It doesn't fit.

[engine rumbling]

- Hey, Serena's in there.

And that butthole. - [mouthing words]

- He's gonna go score with her.

- Why is it always a guy with a van?

- We got to save her before Hartson bones her again.

Heh-heh. - Yeah, he's out of control.

And, um, I just want to say, um,

you can score first if you want to, Butt-Head.

Hm-hm-heh.

- Beavis, I'm not gonna score.

And you're not gonna score.

We're gonna score.

[uplifting music]

- Yeah, heh, yeah, yeah!

- Now let's go score before I change my mind.

Heh-heh-heh-heh-heh. - Yeah!

- All we need now is a car.

Hmm. - Um, Butt-Head, we're in a car.

Yeah, hm-hm-hm-heh. - Oh, yeah, heh-heh.

You really brought your A-game today, Beavis.

Heh-heh-heh. - Heh, yeah, thanks.

Hm-hm-heh. [engine starts]

- Remember, Butt-Head, it's gonna go backwards like before.

Yeah, hm-hm-hm-hm-heh.

- Uh, oh, yeah.

Heh-heh, you're on a roll, Beavis.

Heh-heh.

Just gonna back this baby out and go score.

[yelling] ["Children Of The Grave" plays]

[tires screeching] [car alarm wailing]

- Heh, kick ass, yeah!

Heh-heh-heh. - Heh-heh-heh.

[horn honking] This is cool.

- Yeah, yeah, heh-heh, yeah.

Whoa! - Heh-heh.

- Wait, I see her!

I see her, Butt-Head, speed up! - Okay, Beavis.

- * Revolution in their minds *

* The children start to march *

- Heh-heh-heh.

- Hang on, we're being followed.

- What the hell? [tires screeching]

- [whimpers]

- There she is!

Faster, Butt-Head, come on, faster!

- Who could it be?

- Probably just someone who just happens

to be going our way.

To the store, perhaps.

- It's the Venezuelans or Al-Qaeda.

- Or the Venusians.

Or Arcturus Six.

- Or probably just someone going to the store.

You know how you run out of milk?

- I think it's time to put this baby

into high gear, Beavis.

- Yeah, yeah, heh, yeah let's do it, yeah.

What does R stand for?

Hm-hm-heh. - Uh, really fast?

- Yeah, yeah, let's go really fast.

[lever creaking]

[screams]

Ow, heh, ow! - Ugh!

[smoke hissing]

Ugh. - [grunts]

- You have a bag in your face. - [coughs]

- Heh-heh-heh. - Oh, yeah, heh-heh.

Bag, heh-heh-heh. - Heh-heh-heh-heh.

- Come on, Butt-Head!

Come on, drive!

We have to save Serena, come on.

[crash]

[glass shattering]

["Children Of The Grave" continues]

- * Children of tomorrow live in the tears that fall today *

- [yells]

- * Will the sun rise up tomorrow *

* Bring in peace in any way? *

- [shrieks]

- * Must the world live in the shadow... *

- Uh, I think there's something wrong with this car.

Heh-heh-heh.

- The car is going backwards, Butt-Head.

Heh. - Uh, oh.

Heh-heh, cool.

- Whew, well, I think we lost them.

Nothing to worry about, I guess.

[dramatic chord]

- They're back, and they're driving backwards.

- What the hell is happening?

Who are these guys?

- The East Germans train their assassination teams

to drive backwards to give their snipers

a better field of vision.

[tires screeching]

[crashing]

- We almost got 'em, Butt-Head, hurry.

Heh-heh-hm-hm-heh.

[eerie music] [synthetic whooshing]

- Beavis and Butt-Head. - [yells]

- Listen carefully.

You only have three minutes to go through the portal.

Our universes hang in the balance.

- Uh, how did you get here?

- Our universe has technology that you can only dream of.

- Can you watch porn on it?

- Yes, an infinite amount.

- Every scenario you can ever imagine.

- But none of it will exist

if you do not go through the portal.

- Why did you not go through the portal before?

It was right there behind the Classics department.

- You could have saved the universe and maybe learned

how Latin is the basis of English grammar.

- But no matter. At great personal expense,

we have moved the portal again.

It is now in your old home,

in the poorly renovated half bathroom.

- Enter now so the portal might seal itself,

and you will return to a universe

where you never went through the black hole

but instead lived your lives these past 24 years.

[synthetic whirring]

- Heh-heh-heh-heh. - Hm-hm-heh-heh.

[coughs] - Heh-heh-heh-heh.

- Um, heh, who are those guys?

- Uh, I don't know.

They seem pretty cool, though.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah, not too bad, really.

- This show sucks.

- Yeah, yeah, it's horrible.

Change the channel, Butt-Head, come on, right now.

- Don't tell me what to do.

[grunts] - [yells]

- Yeah, yeah, hit 'em, hit 'em again.

[whooshing]

Come on, turn that show back on.

- There is no time.

Now fly to the portal, fly.

[dramatic music]

- There's a stop sign, Butt-Head.

- Fly, my friends--

[yelling]

- Heh, ow.

[engine roaring] Ah!

That was painful.

- We must hasten to the--

[urgent music]

- Looks like we lost them.

Woodson Street is right up ahead.

[guns cocking]

* *

[horn blaring]

[metal crashing]

- There they are, Butt-Head.

- Sweet Christ.

- There's only five people in the world

who could drive like that.

- Yeah, again, probably just

someone going out shopping, and their

transmission got stuck in reverse.

Happens to me. Never happened to you?

- I'm not going down without a fight.

- Or instead, you could pull over

and let me out and-- [gunfire]

Ahh!

[bullets ricocheting]

- Cool. Someone put a little mirror here

where you can, like, see behind--

[glass shattering] Heh-heh.

- I don't see it, where?

Ah! - Ugh!

[tires screeching]

- Hey Butt-Head, they stopped.

- We got 'em right where we want 'em.

- Ah, ah! - Ugh!

- Get out of the car.

- [speaking language]

[glass shattering]

[crash]

- Of course. - What the hell?

- That's right, baby.

Our little dance of seduction is now complete.

Heh-heh-heh. - Hm, yeah, heh, oh, yeah.

- Hold your fire.

24 years ago, you nearly destroyed me.

And now you've traveled through time and space

to try to destroy me again.

I want to be the one to do this.

- Yes! Heh-heh.

- Yes, it's really going to happen!

[snickering]

- Wait, bu--why are you happy?

- Uh, because, milady,

we are about to score with thee.

- Together.

- Heh-heh, heh-heh. - Hm, yeah, heh-heh.

- Hang on.

Do you think I'm going to have sex with you?

- Uh, yeah.

Heh-heh. - So, um, should we do it here

or in the kitchen, 'cause I think that guy

wants to watch or something?

- Heh-heh. - Hm, yeah, heh.

- Yeah, you said you'd have sex with us

back at Space Camp. Remember?

- What did I say at Space Camp?

[twinkling chimes]

- How would you guys like to do that,

but do it for real, with me?

- Whoa. - Yes!

- That wasn't so hard, was it?

- Well, actually, it was pretty hard

until the last five minutes or so,

but then I got barf on it.

And then, you know, just, heh, see you later.

- To me, the most exciting part is re-entry.

- Heh-heh-heh. - Hm-heh-heh.

Yeah, we get to do it twice!

[dramatic music]

- Do it...

so hard...

re-entry...

Oh, my God. You were never out to get me.

You just wanted to have sex with me.

- Yeah, baby, heh-heh.

- Guilty as charged, heh, you know what I'm saying?

Hm-hm-hm-hm-heh.

- These boys aren't my enemies,

and they're not aliens out to destroy our way of life.

They're just two very, very stupid and horny teenagers.

[quiet music]

- Uh, huh?

Heh-heh. - Yeah, come on, heh-heh.

- Boi-yoi-yoi-ing!

- I can't believe I've been hanging on to this

for 24 years.

- Yeah, I've been hanging on to it too.

Hm-hm-heh.

- And now, I know you mean you've been masturbating.

It's all so simple.

- Well, I'll be.

Masturbating.

- Let's all go home.

- Oh, no, I'm not gonna let everyone

just walk away from this.

I know everything you've done, every law you've broken.

That's right, from now on, it's gonna be my turn because--

[synthetic whooshing]

- What? - What the hell?

- Beavis and Butt-Head, hear us.

- You need to open the door first, Smart Butt-Head.

- Yes, yes, the door, yes.

- Well observed, Smart Beavis, well observed, yes.

Beavis and Butt-Head, hear us.

You have mere seconds to enter the portal.

- Only by the two of you entering this portal

can our universes be saved.

- Otherwise, the entire cosmos shall perish forever.

Make haste.

- Uh, okay, haste.

- No, they are witnesses and they are not going anywhere!

And I don't know who you two freaks are

or how you're mixed up in this, but I'm gonna find out.

I am done being a laughingstock.

I've already called the Federal whistleblower hotline

and as soon as I get off hold--

- Hello, can I help you?

- You sure can, I am calling

from Highland, Texas, and I--

[screams]

- Hello?

Hello?

[scoffs] Asshole.

[whoosh]

- Hmm. Well, I will be damned.

- That appears to have worked.

- We thought it needed to be the two of you

to go through the portal.

But I guess anything would have worked.

We could have thrown a brick in there.

- It's safe to say, we were making it

more complicated than it needed to be.

- While we are the smartest Beavis and Butt-Head

in all the cosmos,

in absolute terms, we're still not so bright.

- Okay, boys.

No one can know what happened here tonight.

So what will it take to keep you quiet?

- Uh, we want to score.

Heh-heh.

- Oh, God.

I mean, I suppose it's not the most disgusting thing

I've done for my career.

So would it have to be both of you?

- That's right, Serena.

We're a team. - Yep.

- Heh-heh-heh. - Hm-hm-hm-heh.

- Oh, God, this is, oof, rough.

I'm gonna need a minute to think about this.

- Um, heh, Serena, whatever you decide,

you know, like, either way,

there's something I need to tell you.

[tender music] Um, heh.

Something I tried to say before,

but I didn't have the courage.

- Go ahead, Beavis.

- Now Serena, I've been on a long journey

and I've been to outer space

and I've been in a toilet.

And I think I've been to some other places

that, um, heh, I don't remember.

But um-- - You went to college.

- Oh, yeah, yeah, heh, I went to college--

- And you went to jail.

- No, I don't remember that.

Anyway, along the way, I learned some things and stuff.

Or something, and, um, heh.

And so now, I finally am ready

to say to you what I've been wanting to say,

which is that--

that I--I, um, heh, I lo--

I--I--

I--I lo--

- Come on, kid, you can do it.

- I--

- I love you, Serena.

For years, I have watched you from afar

through the portal, entranced by your beauty,

your elegance, your grace,

your intelligence, your knowledge of science.

- Wait a second.

- And I have a better offer for you.

Come with me to my universe,

and I will show you the mysteries of the cosmos

as we travel across the galaxies,

beyond anything NASA will ever achieve...

fulfilling all the dreams you ever had

since you were a little girl staring up at the stars.

* *

- Wow, that is, surprisingly,

everything I've ever dreamed of.

- Um, I have an offer too, um, heh.

I found a coupon in the car for Taco Bell.

I was thinking maybe we could, um,

we could go have a taco--

- Also I was thinking we might score.

- You know what?

So was I.

- Yeah, sometimes the Taco Bell has a Pizza Hut.

You know, if you don't like tacos, heh, or nachos.

[whoosh]

- I have a gigantic schlong. I hope that's okay.

* *

- Oh, boy, yeah, I knew it.

Here we go again.

Hm-hm-hm-hm-heh.

- Beavis, you're a dumbass.

Heh-heh-heh. - Hm-hm-hm-heh.

- Heh-heh-heh, heh-heh-heh. - Heh, hm-hm-hm-heh.

[quiet music]

- And there you have it.

The greatest story ever told.

Heh-heh-heh. - Pretty cool, yeah, heh-heh.

- We promised those government buttholes that we wouldn't

tell anyone what happened, and they gave us

a brand-new TV and put our house back

exactly the way it was.

- And it wasn't me, but somewhere out there,

there's a Beavis who scored.

Hm, yeah, heh-heh-heh.

- Heh-heh-heh, heh-heh-heh. - Heh, hm-hm, heh.

- Heh-heh-heh-heh. - Hm, heh-heh, heh-heh.

[triumphant music]

* *

[cheers and applause]

- Smart Beavis and Smart Butt-Head,

we honor you.

- For you, Smart Beavis, are the first among us to score.

- And you, Smart Butt-Head, were able to watch

by hiding in a suitcase at the foot of the bed.

- Serena left immediately

and is not returning phone calls or texts.

- But no matter.

Tonight, we celebrate!

[cheers and applause]

[snickering]

* *

- Chirp.