All language subtitles for Spring.2014.WEB-DL.XviD.AC3-RARBG

Evan.

Hey.

You were out for a while,
are you hungry?

Or thirsty or anything?

I love you.

I love you, too, Mom.

How was work?

It was all right.

Ohhh.

You happy?

Yes.

Do you wanna hear a joke?

Sure.

This shopkeeper

receives flowers at
the opening of his new store.

And the card says
"rest in peace".

Are you sure you're not
thirsty, Ma?

So he calls up
the florist, angry,

and she says, "Sir.

At least you weren't the one
who got flowers

at your wife's funeral
that said,

"Congratulations on
the new location.""

You need more morphine?

Ma?

Do you want me
to call a priest?

I want you to know

I think you two were amazing.

And I'm grateful
for everything you...

Why don't you guys bury
these in your stomachs, huh?

That sucked, I'm sorry.

Look, I'm gonna,
I'm gonna have shitty Carl

try to cover your shift,
I'm gonna call Carl.

Sorry about your mom.

Thanks, Mike.

You know, Evan, that was
a real small funeral.

I mean, you know,
it was intimate,

that's what I meant.

It was a good,
it was a good funeral.

They really never had
any friends or family

or anything, so...

Nobody else?

They were only children.

I mean, their parents
died young.

It was just the three of us.

You know, I'm really sorry
about the casket thing, too.

I mean, I think I still had
some fish oil on my hands,

the brass was slick.

Funerals are for
the living, Tom.

Fuck, does this fucking
goddamn machine not work?

The cigarette machine is
for decoration,

there's no cigarettes there.

Give me something to drink!

You want a shot?

Let's have a shot.

I gotta work later.

No, shots.

Mike, shots, please,
whiskey, whiskey.

I gotta take a piss.

Just like you, you fucking...

Watch where the fuck
you're going, man.

Sorry.

Yeah, you're fucked up, huh?

You try rolling my bitch?

No.

Fucking saw you, man.

I wasn't.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

Guy had a fucking
rough day, all right?

Why don't you just shut
your fucking cock holster,

have a drink with me.

Calm down, Jesus Christ.

Got a cigarette?

I roll my own, sorry.

Hey, I got a fucking cigarette.

You want a cigarette?

Here.

Fuck!

What the fuck?

Hey, hey!

Babe, get up, get up.

Kick his fucking ass.

Evan, Evan, Evan,
that's enough.

All right, I'm all right!

Fucking, Evan,
Jesus Christ, brother.

I mean, you knocked
that stupid fucking gold thing

right out of his face.

Are you guys fucking serious?

Ev, I just picked up, like,
fucking four teeth

off the goddamn ground, man.

Holy shit.

I mean, holy fucking shit.

Here, put this on your shit.

The cops were here, guys.

Is he pressing charges?

The psychopath?

I don't know, maybe.

You almost fucking
murdered the guy.

Were you, you're getting
blood all over your ice.

Would you put the gauze
on your goddamn knuckles

and then fucking put ice on it?

Tommy, seriously,
cock holster mouth?

Why would you say that?

'Cause he had
a fucking cock mouth.

For fuck's sake.

Look, man, you need
to change up your environment.

You have a lot of shit
going on,

your whole family's dead

and I think the best thing
for you

would be to just shift gears

and do something
completely different

with yourself.

Are you telling me that
I'm fired, Mike?

He's not saying that.

Mike, you wouldn't...

I'm not saying you're fired,

I'm not saying
you're fired, no.

But the boss was here
and he said

you can't work here
anymore, man.

I'm sorry.

I really don't wanna be
unemployed right now, Mike.

I can bring you back,

I swear to God
I can bring you back.

I brought shitty Carl back.

He stabbed a goddamn
crippled guy in the leg.

Shitty Carl,
he's a fucking shit,

he's a piece of shit.

Ah, fuck!

I just need
some fucking time, man.

You know how it is, man.

I mean, the fucking
Yelp reviews,

we're getting fucked here.

What are you gonna do, brother?

Where did you get this?

I don't need you to fucking
follow me home, Tom.

Man.

Ev.

Fuck.

Dude, you need any help
down at the boats?

Can I have one of those?

Yeah.

I'll uh,
I can ask, I'll ask around.

You should talk to Dale
about construction gigs.

Dale?

He's been unemployed
since June, man.

Give me that lighter.

You wanna gut fish
for tourists?

I mean, I smelled like
a tuna fish's asshole

for four years,
but it's good work.

Smell that.

I don't, I don't know.

Just smell it,
it's like, it's on me forever.

I got some inheritance,
could just use that.

Where's my fucking
cigarette at, bitch?

It's gonna get
real fucking boring

following me around all night.

I know where you live now,
bitch.

Just go back to fucking
East County

you fucking tweakers, fuck you.

Thanks for staying, man.

They'll file a police report,

they'll sue me,

and they'll come back here
with baseball bats.

Want me to stay,
you got an extra bed?

My mom's.

Fuck, I mean, Ev,
I love you brother,

but I'm not drunk enough
to sleep

in your mom's deathbed.

Yeah.

Why don't you just
lock the doors,

I'll call you tomorrow.

Are you gonna be all right?
- Mhmm.

You gonna be all right? - Yup.

Yeah, you're gonna be
all right.

I'll see you tomorrow.

Fuck.

These fucking things.

Am I supposed to
fucking jump it?

Are you fucking retarded?

There's a hinge, man.

Fuck you, man.

Hey, uh, why don't you um,

why don't you call up somebody
for a sympathy fuck?

No, I'm good, dude.

All right.

I'm telling you, Evan,
your mom just died.

You're only gonna get to
use that one once.

I love you, brother.

Love you, dude.

I love you.

Condom?

Okay.

Um...

Uh...

Handsome picture.

I look like a hobo
with smallpox.

You know I'm only here
because I feel sorry for you,

but this is a very nice
picture, Evan Russell.

Thank you.

You're sitting on the condom.

Why do you have this?

Are you fucking whores in TJ?

What?

How did you even get to that?

My dad, he made me get one
'cause we were gonna

go to Italy after I got back
from college,

but you know what happened.

How do you feel about me?

I just got sober
all of a sudden.

I can't do this, I'm sorry.

Get out of town, Evan.

- Right now?
- Yeah.

My brother's a fuckup too
and he took a break

and he went to India
and he totally recentered.

I just worked my way up
to sous chef, though.

You didn't go to Berkeley
to chop vegetables.

You sound like
an elitist asshole.

I just, I'm not sober enough
for this conversation.

Then let's have sex.

Mr. Russell.

Dispatch, I got no one
at the house.

Fuck.

Hi, can I get
a flight somewhere?

Anywhere.

I'm sorry, I'm really hungover.

Where would you go?

I don't know, like Canada
or Europe or something?

White people love Italy?

Gotcha.

Book me on the next flight.

Or, when is the next flight?

Actually, hold on a second.

Should I go to Italy?

What?

You're a wizard, Harry.

A wizard.

So I says to him, I says,

you can't fucking put the guy
on the fence like that,

'cause it's fucking getting in
the way of my apple trees.

Excuse me.

I'm sorry, yes, what?

Do you guys know where
I can find

an Italian phrasebook?

Yeah, yeah, yeah,
there's a bundle of them

down there actually, pal.

Thanks.
- Yeah.

Where you from?

California.

California, what, Hollywood!

Join us for a drink, pal.

Yeah, come on, sit down,
have a drink with us.

Go off, get him a drink, go on.

I'm Tom, that's me pal, Sam.

Sam's Welsh and he fucks sheep,

but don't worry,
he's all right, you know,

he won't come near your bum.

I'm not Welsh.

You are gonna fucking
love it here.

All you do is eat,
fucking drink, smoke weed.

I lay off the scag,
personally, don't I?

But it's your holiday, mate,
you do what you fucking like.

Let's see if the Yank
can fucking keep up, eh?

Look at that.

Hero, bro.

Oh, my God.

I wish I could fucking
talk Italian.

Bunch of sixes, bro.

Sixes?

Oh, he's a goddamn
American hero.

Like me, no.

No, no, absolutely.

Go on.

Oh.

What you doing, mate?

No, fucking no, mate,
you gotta be more aggressive

you wanna shag
an Italian bird like that.

What are you talking about,

what are you telling him for?

At least he went
up there, mate,

you didn't do nothing.

Fucking, what?

Fucking hell.

Thank you for the beer man.

Hey, oh.

We uh, we're gonna hire
a car tomorrow,

go down the coast.

Wanna chip in some petrol?

Uh...

Get a load of that.

Go on.

Go on Evan, fucking in ya!

I said fuck you, you cunt,

you remember that?

I'm like fuck you, you cunt.

Proper cunt!

I went fuck you.

Next thing you know I got
punched in the face, mate,

about three days later
in the hospital

to come back and done me.

He didn't know,
he didn't know, he didn't know.

You ever seen "8 Mile",
you seen that movie, "8 Mile"?

Yeah, right?

It's like that.

So geezer is rapping.

And then, I swear to God,
one geezer goes,

goes up on the mic, right?

And he goes who can
fucking battle me,

battle this fucking,
who gonna battle me?

I said, you know what?

Fuck this cunt,
I'll fucking have a go.

Never rapped in me life,
never fucking rapped in me life.

Went up there mate,
I smashed him mate.

With a bottle in the face.

Birds, eh?

Fucking birds.

I seen this girl once.

She's the love of
my fucking life, pal, you know?

Known her since school,
first kiss,

all that fucking shit.

Talked about having
kids together, the whole lot.

And one day she's in this pub.

And she meets this bloke
from Ibiza, DJ, saying.

Got flat out.

She only fucking leave me
and goes and lives

with this cunt in Ibiza.

Broke my fucking heart.

Anyway, two years later
I'm in me local supermarket

and I fucking see her there.

She was proper fat.

Sunburnt, skin like leather.

Teeth like fucking doggins,

it was disgusting, I loved it.

You're lucky I'm here, pal.

'Cause most men don't share
their emotions like I do.

Man, you got
the wi-fi code?

I ain't got
the wi-fi code.

You do have
the wi-fi code, mate.

I give it you last night, man.

What did you do with
that piece of paper?

You fucking rolled, didn't you?

You used it as a roach.

For fuck's sake.

Oh, bro, I fucking blazed
the fucking wi-fi code.

'Cause I hate all nations
equally.

And I'll tell you
something else,

the problem with Yanks, right?

Yeah, everyone hates
Americans, I get it,

I'm an evil imperialist.

You don't play rugby,
that's the problem.

Well, yeah, there's that,

but it's also 'cause
you're fucking loud.

You're loud.

I played soccer,
I played soccer

in elementary school
and I drink, I drink well.

No, you can't.

You haven't, I have barely
seen you drink five of those.

- That's not enough for you?
- No, no.

You're fucking embarrassing
is what you are, mate.

All right.

All right, I'll get
the next round.

Yeah, go on, mate, nice one.

Thanks, Evan.

We saw each other earlier,

and if I stared any longer
without saying hi

I'd be the creepy dude gawking.

Oh, shit.

English?

I need a drink.

Well, come sit with me
and my friends.

Leave with me.

Yeah.

I have to get this round first.

I'd rather go home
with you now,

but if you like boys more...

Really?

Come on.

What are you doing?

Trying to have fun.

You a prostitute?

You want me to be?

Are you gonna rob me?

Nah, you look poor.

Well, I'm not gonna carry
drugs up my ass

for you or your boss.

Go out with me tomorrow night.

No.

'Cause you're a hooker.

Because I don't date.

This is a fucked up
act you have,

but let's say you go home
with...

I'd still like to grab
coffee or something sometime

'cause I think you're
the most attractive person

I've ever seen.

But that doesn't outweigh that
you might be a mental patient

and I gotta make sure
you're the kind of crazy

I can deal with.

Y-, you made this
so much more complicated

than it needs to be.

Bottle of wine, tomorrow night.

No, no.

Maybe.

Right.

Oh, no!

Oh, no.

You, you fucked your thumb.

If you're looking for someone
to play

the fucking long game with
come over here, bro,

Sam will help you out.

I hate these guys.

Hey, hey.

You went pint for pint
last night, son,

I'm fucking proud of you.

Well done, son, well done.

I did?

Nope.

We're leaving, mate.

Okay.

Yeah, it's too expensive.

We're going to Amsterdam.

All right.

You wanna come?

No.

All right.

Good times mate,
good times, good times.

Yeah, take care of yourself,
son.

Okay.

Scusa.

Scusa?

Bongiorno.

Bongiorno.

Um, English?

A little.

Is this room still available?

Have you ever work on farm?

No.

Okay.

Okay?

Come on.

You see?

Hot.

And cold.

Got it, thanks.

If not hot...

When cold we cover the trees

and once a week we gather
for the olive press.

The rest, I tell you.

Easy, huh?

Is that your wife?

Yes.

She here?

Car accident.

I'm very sorry to hear that.

Alle donne,
I Gioielli del Mondo.

Uh, women.

Jewels of the world.

Jews?

Jewels.

Jewels.

Jewels.

Jewels.

Bongiorno.

Hey.

Hey, I just moved here.

So I was wondering if that date
might fall into place.

Do you remember my name?

You never told me.

Scusa.

You're learning.

And you're not afraid
to embarrass yourself,

that's good.

I'm Evan.

Louise.

Did you just, did you
just touch my boob?

I'm sorry, I didn't mean to.

All right, one last time
and I'll let you go.

Will you go out with me?

I don't know.

That's a huge cock.

It's fertility imagery.

No that's, that's Roman porn.

Are you an artist?

No, are you?

No, I was a cook,
now I'm a farmer.

A farmer.

I just started.

That was fast.

Are you impressed?

If... no, no,
don't touch that.

It's, it's hard to make a living
in a tourist town.

How do you do it?

I don't, I'm a student.

And how did you end up here?

I'm studying evolutionary
genetics.

It's easier to isolate genes
in a homogeneous population.

Um, I'm researching stuff here

because not many people
have left or emigrated.

I'm fucking up your job.

Yes, you are.

So go back to America, Fascist.

Great scam you pulled,
having the university

pay for you to
live here, though.

I know, right?

What do you think of her?

She's hot.

You think so?

I need caffeine.

What happened to your hand?

Um, I punched a guy.

Did it hurt?

No.

Yes.

Did you, did you feel better?

I know,
I'm a child, I'm immature...

I was just going to say
we're all human.

My family

would vacation here
when I was little

and I would see these old men
sitting here.

Sometimes I wonder
if it's the same ones.

You don't sound Italian.

Are you really
from around here?

Not far.

I travelled a lot, though.

So I sound weird as fuck.

Did you learn your English
in England?

I did.

But then I studied
in America for a while.

Where?

New York.

I've never been there.

You've never been to New York,
are you kidding me?

Nope.

I thought all Americans
have been to New York.

I've been to
Southern California,

Mexico, and here.

Oh, Mexico, I love Mexico.

I went there with my ex
in a boat.

What happened?

We had so much Mexican food.

No, with the guy.

Oh, oh, he was awful, oh,

he always had to
conquer something.

Why did you date him then?

He wrote me very romantic
love letters

and he was so much fun
to drink wine with.

Let's get a bottle of wine.

Okay, but you have to
write me a letter first.

You can write it while I
finish my espresso.

I'm still jet lagged.

Flipping my days for nights
is making everything feel

like I'm in a dream.

Thanks for the wine.

It's most of my paycheck
that I haven't gotten yet,

but you're worth it.

You shouldn't pay for things.

What if I told you

I'm actually
a successful businessman

taking a break
from all my wealth.

Are you?

I'm not.

When I would sit at the bar
at the restaurant I worked at

for every one woman I'd catch
combing the place

for a doctor or lawyer
I'd see like, ten of them

with some bum like me.

Did you like being a cook?

No.

It was fucking horrible.

It can always be worse.

And here you are
trying new stuff.

I mean, I could do something
really important still.

Like invent an app
or something.

Or get your own reality show.

The dream, the dream.

At least you're living.

I always used to say that, too.

Right now if I really
had the choice though,

I might take professional
success over living.

I've worked many jobs
and none of them, none,

have been worth missing life.

That's very European and all.

But, you know.

Know what?

Taking siestas
and being less competitive,

that's really nice,
but your iPhone was not

invented in Europe.

Yeah, right,
you wanna go somewhere?

Yeah.

Let's do it.

Um...

Fuck it.

We're going into that cave!

Yeah.

I bet it's haunted
by dead sailors.

I thought you were a scientist.

I am a scientist.

What is this dead sailor
bullshit ghost story?

I bet you also think names
determine personality, right?

Oh, they do.

All Crystals are sluts.

Yeah!

And, and Evans are nice.

You do like me, then.

Maybe.

I know names don't
determine shit.

But there are still lots
of mysteries out there.

Even I am a mystery to myself.

I wish I could say I wasn't
just a simple minded dude.

I understand about half
of myself.

Then you're half magic.

I'm half undiscovered science,

bunch of confusing biochemistry

and some crazy hormones.

She drowned a few months ago.

That's horrible.
- Yeah.

The dams up the mountain broke.

Her body was taken out to
the sea by the flood.

Flood?

And they found her dead body
in Sicily.

You know, I know it's cliché,

but all the people that put
that religious stuff up,

I mean, why do they think
God would do that

to a little girl like her?

I don't know.

Maybe because everybody's
gonna die.

Whether they believe in God
or not, right?

I have this buddy, um,
great guy.

Always wasted, though,
not really perceptive.

He goes to a party
with his girlfriend

and this other girl,
maybe about four feet tall,

walks up to him,
punches him in the face,

knocks him out.

Turns out this girl was
cheating on him

with his girlfriend.

So now everybody knows Tommy
was knocked out

by a lesbian named Tiny.

I love Tiny,
but what is your point?

Nothing.

Just a funny story.

In winter you put dirt here.

In spring, we just take off.

Done.

Perfect.

This is...

Got it.

Bene, perfect.

You take care of this...

All of them?

Si.

What's that, kitty?

What's that?

What's that?

This.

This.

Fuck, this town is small, huh?

Hi.

Hey.

You uh...

Snuck out last night.

I did?

Yeah.

Hm.

And who are you?

Uh, Evan, the guy
you slept with last night.

Sorry, I don't recall.

Oh, that's fucked up.

Don't be so emotional.

That's messed up.

This is the best place,
you should try it.

Man, you eat a lot.

I don't care if
you call me fat.

I was starting to think
you were cooler

than pulling this one.

I'm just saying, I don't care.

If this was the 1700s
you would think I'm too skinny.

You may not believe this,
but most men are not attracted

to women who look like
preteen boys.

Some are.

That's true.

But most men just want
a girl who's healthy.

Obesity and anorexia,
they're equally unattractive.

I think your opinion of men
is too high.

No, I know dudes.

All we ever think about
is sex, sometimes food,

sad truth.

You shouldn't say that
out loud.

Hey, do you mind
if we go in here?

Sure.

Do you smoke?

Sometimes.

I smoke more than sometimes.

Then don't.

I don't wanna live forever.

How about this.

You go out with me
tomorrow night,

I won't buy any cigarettes.

What?

Will you go out with me
if I quit smoking?

Don't quit for me.

You don't wanna go out
with me again?

I don't know.

One, uh, una?

Si.

Those.

Who are these guys?

That's Bob and Sally.

I rescued them from a lab
that was done with them.

Would you like to adopt them?

No, I'm good.

Are you sure they should be
in the same cage?

It's only until
I find them a home.

Yeah, but they're gonna
fuck like...

You're gonna have
a billion rabbits.

You mind if I put on
some music?

Sure, but don't judge me.

Are you allergic to anything?

Uh, no.

These are in a lot
of different languages.

You said you wouldn't judge.

I'm not, I'm just impressed.

Do you speak
any of these languages?

Mhmm.

Do you like leeks?

Sure.

How many do you speak?

Oh, I don't know.

You don't know.

Um, uh, French, German,

Italian, Spanish,
few forms of Arabic,

Japanese, Latin, Greek,

I think that's it.

You don't speak Sumerian?

No, do you?

I don't speak dead languages.

Do you mind?

The ash tray isn't decoration.

True.

You should quit smoking.

You are a hypocrite.

No, I'm not.

Ah, would you mind
watching the soup

while I use the restroom?

Yeah, sure.

Soup's ready.

Just a second.

Do you ever feel like
you have to shower immediately?

I think that's a girl thing.

Showering is a girl thing?

I'm going to the beach
on Sunday.

You are waiting to bathe
in the sea?

Yup, you wanna come?

That's gross.

Seriously, do you
wanna go with me?

I can't, I'm taking medication

that makes my skin
sun sensitive.

So I only get to
see you at night.

You can meet my husband
and kids if you want,

but our nights together
must remain a secret.

Yeah, we would probably get
bored with each other anyway.

Not bad.

What's in it?

Leeks, saffron and rabbit.

It's just a broth

with a bunch of spices
and vegetables.

Oh, Jesus, you're a vegetarian?

I try to be.

But sometimes I crave meat.

I gotta go to work.

Thank you for staying.

Blanket.

Is this bad?

It's a tree.

Yeah.

Why don't you just kill them?

They have to make fruit.

They kill the tree
so they can pollinate it?

Mother Nature is crazy, Angelo.

What the hell is that?

Tumore della Radice.

No capisco.

Rotten roots.

Root rot, huh?

I've been seeing
this Italian girl.

She's really pretty.

But she acts kinda weird
sometimes

and I found something that
gives me some doubts.

Scegli il tuo veleno.

I appreciate the Italian
lessons, really I do,

but Angelo, I have no idea
what the hell you're saying.

Choose your poison.

That's your advice.

Italian women.

The best.

That's wonderful advice,
Angelo,

but have you been
anywhere else?

In France.

So Italian women,

you think they're better
than French women.

I get that.

Your wife was a goddess,
Angelo,

but I gotta tell ya.

There's a lot of really
beautiful women in the USA.

Italian women.

You realize in America
there are a lot

of Italian immigrants, right?

Okay, what now?

Is it, do we like,
bury a virgin lamb skull

full of herbs to ward off
the infection?

Cosa?

You know, the whole voodoo
biodynamic farming thing?

I worked at a restaurant
in college.

They told me that
Italian farmers,

that's how they do it.

You don't do that?

Fungus killer spray.

In shed.

Spray, got it.

Did you farm good today?

Yes, I did.

It's amazing you're
picking it up so quickly.

I don't make bad jokes
about what you do.

I can imagine it being

this really intense
apprenticeship

where he shows all
of his worldly knowledge

as you tend to the land.

No, it's nothing like that.

Um...

Hey.

What?

Can I ask you something?

Don't get mad.

Depends what it is.

This morning I found
a used syringe

on your bathroom floor.

I know it's none of my business

and we just met, but...

Okay, it's not drugs.

I have a medical condition
that comes and goes

and it's a very long story.

Okay, I'm sorry.

I shouldn't have even
bothered to...

I didn't think you were
a junky,

I just needed to know
what it was...

Do you think I gave you AIDS?

No.

You did, you thought it.

Hep C?

That would have been worth it.

Oh, come on,
I don't believe you.

Can I do something
really corny right now?

Again?

I've been carrying this thing
around for a week

and I haven't used it once,

but I'd really like
a picture with you.

You haven't called anyone?

Calling card's cheaper

and the only person I call
is Tommy

and he's always drunk, so...

What about your family?

Um...

Tell me about your family.

Well, they're great.

Scusa.

Scusa.

Sure.
- Grazie.

Just one photo, please.

All right.

Okay.

Grazie.

- You moved.
- Un altro?

No, no, grazie, no.

Uh...

Tell me about your family.

I really don't wanna
do that right now.

Come on.

You're seriously mad
because I don't wanna

talk about something?

You just wanna come here,
fuck a foreign girl

and show your stupid friend
the picture.

That doesn't even
make any sense.

And when I ask you
something important about you

and you don't tell me,

that means you can't
be intimate.

I am so confused right now.

Look.

I went to
the fucking beach with you.

I'm sorry.

I think you're overreacting,
but I'm sorry.

And I think
you're being annoying,

but maybe I was just
being crazy.

Do you wanna hear
about my family?

Yes, I do.

Yes.

It's a fucked up story.

So we're sleeping together
and I'm, like,

making you meals but
you can't tell me anything?

The only family I had
was my mom and dad

and my dad died suddenly
of a heart attack.

My mom was diagnosed with cancer
a few months after that.

I came home from college
a couple years ago

to take care of her
and she died last week.

Wow.

I-, I mean,
that's horrible.

No shit.

Not exactly great
dinner conversation.

Are you okay?

Do I seem all right?

I like you.

Were you better before?

I think I'm all right.

You've got the same back story
as Batman.

This is so cool.

Are you mad?

I mean, I've got
nothing to avenge

if I become a masked
vigilante, so yeah.

Oh, shut up, I mean,
how sometimes

even if you don't believe
in a higher power

you get mad at one.

Yeah, I'm mad at something
for doing that to them.

Making me put my life on hold

while I worked at
the same shitty bar

I grew up thinking I never
wanted to end up at.

How do girls know to do that?

What is it you would have
done instead?

I don't know.

I feel, I feel guilty

and selfish for...

Like a sociopath for worrying
about what I'm doing for work

when my whole family just died.

Your professional life is fine.

Do you feel like
an orphan farmer?

No, but I feel like
a grown ass man

who misses his parents.

So.

Gonna tell me something now?

Like what?

I don't know.

But I just bared
my soul to you.

That was baring your soul?

Fuck off.

Okay, let's see.

Not this one, no.

Um, did you know I have
two different color eyes?

What do you mean?

Holy shit.

Why do you wear the contact?

My ex boyfriend
always made fun of it.

What an asshole.

I'm joking, I'm lying,
no one ever did that.

Probably lie a lot.

I've actually never
lied to you.

Not once.

Your eyes are beautiful.

And you're not very creative.

Hey, Angelo?

Si?

Ce-, cos'è questo?

Never seen a tree that has
two different fruits on it.

Lorange tree.

Got lemons and oranges so
I call it a lorange tree.

Or are those limes?

Get it, loranges?

That's it?

Quasi.

Old tree uses new tree.

The fruit looks good.

Oh, yes.

Terra buono.

Vulcano.

Volcano?

Yes, volcano make good soil.

Is it active?

Ha.

Shit.

Good job, Bob.

Sorry, Sally.

Come in.

Hey.

Bad day.

Let's stay in.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Sorry I'm being really boring.

You feel all right?

I think so.

Do I look all right?

You look beautiful.

I might be sick,

you may not want
to get too close.

What are you doing?

Lift up your head.

I read that this is what you do

when a girl gets sick.

You don't have to.

Anything to eat?

There are some oranges
and yogurt in the fridge.

Here, find something
for us to watch.

What happened to Bob and Sally?

I don't wanna talk about it.

Want some?

Thanks.

My friend Tommy said
he was born with a tail.

I doubt your friend Tommy
is one of

the 23 cases ever.

He totally is.

Yeah, we, we have
lots of things

we don't use anymore.

I'm pretty sure they sell this
at Urban Outfitters.

It's oversimplified
and misleading,

but I like the pictures.

Want some water?

Vino.

Vino?

Wine.

I know.

Thank you.

Di piu? How much more?

Basta finito.

For the day?

Si.

Well, let's go fishing
or something.

No, sono stanco.

Come on, man.

My girlfriend's at work,
I got nothing to do.

Look, if you're stanco,
let me drive these down.

Have fun.

You earned it.

Woo, touchdown!

Episilon, theta, omega!

Roy, roy, play,

throw the pass, faggot!

Fuck you.

Oh, oh, ohhhh!

Oh, hi.

Oh, my God.

What are you doing here?

Walking home from work.

What are you doing here?

Um, here.

We're buying gifts now?

It has Roman porn in it,
remember?

You didn't sign it, though.

There's so many more tourists
here than usual.

This is the beginning.

Late spring is a madhouse.

You wanna go somewhere?

Let's go.

Okay, but you can't
tell anyone.

It's a secret.

Not Tommy, no girls.

Anywhere away from tourists.

You are a tourist!

I have to get my boat, come on.

You have a boat?

Come on, faster, Evan, faster!

Can you swim if we sink?

The lady gorilla won't sink.

Seriously, can you swim?

Okay, so we're very close,

so paddle as fast as you can,

then get down.

All right, have you
done this before?

This looks like magic.

Looks like stuff in nature
we haven't figured out yet.

What makes this?

The glow?

It's from reflected sunlight
coming through a big hole

underwater.

How did you find it?

My friend showed it to me.

There are some others
that tourists go to

but this one is a secret.

Some of the Roman statues
from the exhibit

were found over there.

Hormones and biochemistry.

Moment ruined.

I think we're taking on water.

Stop talking shit
about my boat, Evan.

Can I ask you something
awkward now?

No.

Do you ever
change your clothes?

Yes!

Really?

All I brought is my backpack

and the only things
they sell are like,

I heart Bologna shirts.

Octopussy!

We are not all like that.

Uh, Evan, are you still hungry?

No, I'm good.

'Cause, you know,
the clinic opens

really early tomorrow
and I gotta go to bed.

Don't pay for me.

No, you did all the rowing,

but thanks for
a wonderful time!

What up?

Hey, I have weed
in my hotel room.

I don't speak French.

How much to suck my dick?

What?

Football bad?

Si.

Where you off to all dapper?

Chiesa, come.

Grazie.

Your Italian is going better.

Yeah, I'm trying.

Are there any single
donne at church?

Si.

You should ask one out.

I can't.

Yeah, you can.

My wife.

Oh, well...

If you ever feel ready,
then you should.

Hey.
- Hey.

Something wrong?

No, it's...

Can I come in?

No, it's not a good time
right now.

Um, well, a minute
if you really have to.

Um, I didn't sleep
at all last night

so forgive me if
I stumble through this.

I don't even know how much
you need me to tell you this

because it's been
barely a week.

But things got intense
so fast and...

Tell me what?

We can't see each other
anymore.

You serious?

Yes.

I don't think you're ready
for where this is going

and I have some things
I need to work through

without being in
a relationship.

And, Evan, I'm really,
really sorry

for leading you on like this.

I, I can see
how you could feel like

this has all been
going so fast and,

like if you're freaked out
and you need some space,

that's fine.

Evan, you've been through
a lot recently

and maybe you are not
thinking clearly, but...

I'm fine.

What's your problem?

I'd really rather
not explain what's the problem.

Again, I can't tell you
how sorry I am

and that you are
a wonderful guy, but...

What happened to intimacy
being talking about stuff?

That's it.

So I leave here
and it's like you and I

never happened.

We never see each other again.

Okay.

I want you to know something.

Take it or leave it.

I think you could be
the love of my life.

And I know that sounds stupid,

it's only been five days,
but it's true.

If you don't feel
anything for me

and that's what this
is really about

then I wish you the best
with everything in your life

'cause I think you're
an amazing person.

But if you do feel something

I think you should think
about this a little bit longer.

All right.

I'm taking off, Angelo.

Donna problema.

Oh, I didn't hit her,
I hit a wall

'cause she broke up with me.

Stupido.

Donna Italiana, right?

Ciao.

Angelo.

I wanted to say thank you.

Even with all this,

I'm living the fantasy of some
rich American housewife.

I don't know how much longer
I'm gonna stay here,

but I want you to know
that I appreciate all this.

Don't yet.

Policia?

Immigrazione.

Immigration?

Do I need to worry?

Si.

Should I run?

Si.

So back in the US
the cops are after me.

Before that I lost my job and

lost my, my parents.

Here, I lost my job.

Lost my girlfriend.

The cops are after me.

Can you shut...

Can you shut the door, please?

Are you a vampire, werewolf,
zombie, witch or alien?

Human.

Are you scared of me?

Yeah.

But explain it to me.

Sorry, I...

Evan.

Calm...

Fuck.

Evan.

That is me.

No, it's not.

It is.

I posed for that painting
almost 2,000 years ago.

This is the crazy
I can't handle.

My eyes are like this because
of hereditary heterochromia.

Do you know what that means?
- I don't know.

You like, give it to your kids
or something?

Correct, but I've been
giving it to myself.

There are things I've found out

in the last two decades
that I don't understand entirely

and you may find them upsetting.

You're trying not to upset me?

You dumped me
and became a monster.

Okay, you win one argument.

Um, do you know what
embryonic stem cells are?

Cure stuff.

You abort babies to get them.

Not necessarily,
but you kinda get the idea.

They replicate for a long time

and can be used to heal
or maintain your whole body.

That's what you are?

You're like, "Newsweek"
Fountain of Youth Cells

or something?

Sure, so my body uses the cells

so I stay the same age
and heal very fast.

But...

Embryonic cells?

Are you fucking pregnant?

Fuck!

I conceive
and about a week later

I'm a healthy 20 year old
with 50% new DNA.

I stay the same age
for about 20 years

and then I need new cells.

And you dumped me
once you got them.

You wouldn't have
recognized me anyway.

I'll have to start
a new life, I always do,

every 20 years.

Why tonight?

Why even get to know me?

I didn't wanna hurt you.

Goddammit, I mean physically.

Before my body
uses the cells it goes crazy.

I run, I turn to creatures
from our evolutionary past,

I, I fucking kill stuff.

Fuck!

Hey, we both have tempers, huh?

Yeah, but mine's worse
and something is off

and I thought I can control it,

but, fuck, I got...

I got desperate and
I tried occult books

and I ate my rabbit.

What?

Okay, it's not magic, okay?

There's stem cells
in cat brains

and rabbit intestines,
testicles.

Use those!

I do,
but they aren't as effective.

Okay, well, whatever I saw
on your living room floor,

that was not the physical laws
of the universe.

I need a second.

Just because you haven't
seen something before, Evan,

doesn't mean it's supernatural.

Evan.

Can you please stop
walking away, please?

Give me a minute.

Hello?

Tommy!

Hey, it's Evan.

What's up, man?

I'm good, I'm good.

Yeah, I met a girl.

Yeah, she's,
she's really hot, yeah.

Um, do you have a sec?

I got this girl,
or uh, maybe monster,

pregnant and I don't know
if she's gonna like,

give birth to herself...

Hello?

Tommy, Tommy!

Smoked a huge bowl?

Gotcha.

Yeah, right before
I got on the phone, okay.

Um, no, no, no problem man,

no problem at all just uh,
I'll call you back

another time.

Yeah.

Yup, enjoy.

I know it's complicated,
obviously,

but let's talk about this.

That's me.

It's something chemical.

Pheromones.

If I do this to a plant
you have to wonder what it is

you're actually feeling.

I've seen what happens to you.

I mean, I've seen this
at its worst, right?

And I can deal with that part.

No.

You wanna be with someone
that is basically

going to be related to you
when you're 85

and look like
an inbred pedophile?

Yes, probably.

In a day I'll be someone else

and Evan, you should get far

to keep
all your stuff attached.

Let's, let's use
the time we have.

Why? Why?

For just a little while longer

I'm a normal guy,
you're a normal girl.

We're here.

I'd regret it if we didn't
take this to its end.

Evan, you know um,

that I'm not in love
with you, right?

You like being with me.

You like the sex and all that.

You smell good.

And you are funny.

And I like the closeness.

Great.

So.

How different is
your personality gonna be

when you use my cells?

Well, with your impulsiveness
and some other personality stuff

about half of you.

Keep my memories, that's nice.

When you realize that
you're madly in love with me.

That's the only way
this goes down.

To live forever, yes.

What about not forever?

Evan, I really think
you're great,

but I'm not giving up eternity
for a guy

I just met a week ago.

I know, I don't mean to sound
like a selfish dick.

But is there a way?

My adult stem cells,
but they're weak

and they would
give me one life.

So you'd be choosing death?

I don't choose.

What?

Nothing, nothing.

Seven days from
getting pregnant

my body metabolizes the cells

and that's in about a day.

So spend it with me
on a road trip.

No.

The transformations
are getting way worse

and I can't control them.

Twenty-four hour road trip
or until you love me.

Evan, maybe we should
just rip the band aid off

before a fucking scaly appendage
rips off your...

head.

You get until earth dies,
I get one more day with you.

Shit.
- What?

Immigration, they came
to the farm today.

Fuck, we should
get out of here.

Why?

Um, Italian jail?

What?

Yes, they throw in
illegal immigrants all the time.

Dude, they're gonna rape you.

Anybody ever driven
off the cliff?

I did once, years ago.

You're not driving.

All right, where's
our first hideout?

Naples.

What, Naples?

Good restaurants
and stores for you

to buy some clothes.

You never told me
you had a car.

It never came up.

Pull over.

What else do you have?

You've seen my boat.

Come on, in 2000 years

you must have invested
in something.

Okay, I have an apartment
in Rome.

In Paris.

In Bali.

So you're slumming it
with me right now.

It actually is
a fucking nightmare.

I have to constantly come up
with new federal ID numbers,

will stuff to myself.

It's a nightmare.

Right.

Right.

What's your original name?

Uh...

I don't remember.

Really?

Well, do you remember
the address

of your childhood home?

Yes, I do.

Fuck!

Evan, they're going to find you,
the police, get down, down!

Just get down.
- Hold on, hold on.

Are they gone?

Yeah.

That was very European.

This is some hipster shit.

We should get back on the road.

What do you like more?

Pool or the ocean?

Um, ocean.

No sharks in pools,
that's nice.

But the ocean goes on
and on and on.

It's mysterious.

Put your feet in
the ocean, then.

No, this pool
has enough mystery.

I mean, it doesn't
make any sense,

but it's nice.

Like you.

I don't make any sense?

No, not really.

Why go on the run with me then?

First time we sat down
and talked it was easy.

And then it stayed easy.

And that's it?

You had a profound moment
I missed?

First time we had sex.

Really?

Yeah.

No, I mean really, like,

you knew then you wanted
graves next to each other.

No, there wasn't a moment
when I knew.

But I do know.

I'm just saying if I felt
we should share

all of our time together,

and I'm not saying I do,

it's not because of something
that could be expressed.

And also like,
you saw me all fucked up

and you're still here.

Oh.

I guess your place is clean.

I like that.

And your voice.

Your voice keeps me around.

What?

Welcome to Naples!

Benvenuto.

Are we looking for crack?

We're on the run,
no police ever come here.

You're trying to get me killed.

How much?

Twenty?

Can you change fifty?

Are you kidding me?

Dude, do you have a lighter?

That's terrible.

We should buy you some clothes.

Why do you hate my shirt?

You don't listen.

Oh, I listen.

No, you still don't.

Oh, I listen.

Let's see, I got you pregnant,

you can use those embryo cells
to heal fast and live forever,

when you do that you physically
become half the man

who got you pregnant.

Um, when you are pregnant
you turn into a cross

between creatures from our
evolutionary past and a corpse,

and you could choose to use
your adult cells,

but then you'd die
someday so...

You know, honey, just because
you listen to a few things

doesn't make you Oprah.

It does.

No, it doesn't.

I find it amazing that
I even understood

half of what you said.

I've actually never
been in a church.

Well, let's go in that one.

You wouldn't be bored?

No, no, I haven't been
to that one

since the grand opening.

So do you know anything
about all this?

I've always been
a student of science.

But it's pretty
and I like the rituals.

No, I mean, do you know
anything about like...?

No.

The gods change so much
I can't keep up.

All this time,
all the things you haven't

been able to explain.

Just seems like you'd
know more or something.

Just because I can't
explain something

about myself right now
doesn't mean it's metaphysical.

It means science
can't explain it yet.

Hm.

You looked like a ghost
in that picture

at the restaurant.

You just saw me look like stuff
from stories you read or saw,

that's it.

Guess giant squid were myths
until one washed up on a beach.

People used to think people
with rabies and porphyria

were vampires,

but that doesn't mean
vampires are real.

It means science hadn't
caught up with the myth.

And even if I knew
I'm supernatural

it doesn't prove
anything about...

Fear of the unknown makes a lot
of really pretty stuff, though.

Um, Louise,
did you bring your shots?

Yeah, they're in my purse.

You should use it.

Why, do you see something?

Yeah, a little something.

Just do it here, don't get up.

Okay.

So this time in Prussia,
1760 something,

so I'm walking through
the cemetery

and they're digging up corpses

and the corpses would move
from escaping gases and whatnot

and so they're like
staking dead people

calling vampires.

Nerve wrecking.
So I left there.

I'm in the new world
and women were hunted

for being witches for like,
a lot less than my quirks.

One colonial guy said
I was aging well.

No joke, I was on
the first ship back to England.

So then I'm in France
and they were like,

burning women at the stake
for having a moody day,

so I catch a train to Germany
in the 1930s

and I mean, we all know
what happened there, right?

Do you wanna show me,

what's your favorite
museum here?

We should go check it out.

Can we get some pizza first?

Of course we can.

Really pouring on the melodrama
in this one.

You look so different.

Oh, yeah, my boyfriend before
was a very unattractive

older man.

How many men are you a mix of?

You don't wanna know.

I don't?

Are you jealous, Evan?

No, but if every,
you're 2,000 years old,

if every 20 years...

You have a problem with
how many men I slept with

and my age?

Okay, just in the fresco,
in the book I gave you.

None, I'm actually
22 years old in that painting.

A virgin in that painting?

Yes.

Does that make you happy?

So you really hated
being martyred, huh?

I was just a peasant
posing for the scene.

After the Black Plague
I think I was just happy

I wasn't scrubbing
bodily fluids.

I have just one question.

Who the fuck is this guy?

Where do you think I got
these fingers from?

You're still really pretty
as an Ottoman peasant.

Look at this guy,
he was like "Arrr rarr rarr.

Stop, stop hitting me!"

I wanted to show you something
even older than me.

I saw this on
the Learning Channel.

It was a bomb shelter
during World War II.

Yeah, mention World War II
and every American

becomes a historian.

Oh, do they?

Well, we watch movies.

Lots of them.

So um, what happens
when this goes down?

This body dies and the cells
recreate a new one.

And what if you use
your adult cells?

Then...

Then I'd look exactly the same,
just pregnant,

and that would be horrifying.

How much time do you have left?

Until equinox.

Sunrise, probably.

Your body knows
when winter ends?

When I was little time
was measured differently

so all that bull shit
with sun gods and whatever.

Cool, well, if you stay with me

I'll give something up, too.

Smoking.

We'll both end up
like these guys.

Yeah, in like, fifty years,
come on!

So you would be giving up life

to become a father.

I'm an illegal immigrant
olive farmer.

New frontiers.

So you wanna spend the rest
of your life with me.

Yeah.

I think you're rushing

dating and death
and fatherhood.

How do you choose to use
your adult cells...

Wow, look at this guy.

How do you choose?

I don't.

My-, my body chooses.

How does your body choose?

Oxytocin.

Totally lost again.

It's the hormone that
makes women fall in love

and get maternal.

If it were high enough
survival reaction

blocks the embryonic cells
and defaults

into my adult stem cells.

You know that?

I-, I mean, I don't,
I'm not sure,

but I can show you
the origin of the theory.

You're still not
in love with me?

Last syringe.

You still want this?

I wanna show you
where I grew up.

So if you love me
then there's this hormone

and you'll stay the same?

In theory, yeah.

But neither of us
has much control over it

and how would I even know?

I know I'm in love with you.

You know that?

Yes.

So it seems like you should know
if you love me or not.

So you never lusted
for someone before

and then it passed?

So you've never been
in love before?

I guess not.

Not in thousands of years.

I'm not a sociopath, okay?

I just had really bad luck.

Bad luck.

I got it.

Okay.

You probably know
the entire city

was buried by the volcano
you see there in the distance.

Buried in ash and pumice,
perfectly preserved

and was rediscovered
and dug up centuries later.

And if you'll look to your left

you'll see an example
of one of the earliest

"beware of dog" signs.

You sure there's no
security here?

No, but Evan, I feel like
you don't wanna see my hometown.

What the fuck?

Yup, when excavators
came across chambers

shaped like human...
Evan, Evan no, no.

Was that real dog?

Come back, what are you doing?

They injected plaster into them

and that's what you get.

And here we have
the whorehouse,

I've never been there,

but I've been to the bakery
you see to your right

and to the bar here
on the corner, and...

What?

I wanna show you my family now.

Okay.

That's weird, I didn't know
their tombs were here.

So this is my father,
my mother,

and my little brother.

How did you get away in time?

I didn't.

Then how did you get out?

You really wanna know?

It's 2000 years ago
so I'm doing fine.

My, my pain threshold is
still built for birthing

so lava is fine.

My oxytocin case study?

I got it from her.

It's hereditary.

She gave it all up
for me and my father.

I don't wanna die,

and I don't wanna watch
anyone die.

At least you got the same
back story as Harry Potter.

That's pretty cool.

Can I say something?

In absolutely sincerity.

I'm gonna miss
the hell out of you.

Like, it's gonna fucking hurt.

Bad.

Your perfect male fantasy
just shattered.

A younger wife
and a sugar momma.

Yeah, you forgot
the incest part.

I mean, I'm an open minded guy,

but I probably wouldn't
want that.

That's the temple of Apollo
sundial.

This?
- No, no, no.

After we borrowed him
from the ancient Greeks

he was replaced by Jesus
and now we don't know

who the old clock belongs to.

Um...

One last thing you should know.

Right before I transform,
if I transform,

that monster is gonna be
the biggest and sharpest.

How big?

Just run.

Really fast.

We never got my clothes.

No.

One of us says something
about journey and destination.

Destinations are underrated?

You ever wonder what life is
like in the finite?

Terrifying all the time,
I'm sure.

I don't think so.

Even at my lowest
I'm still excited

to use the time as best I can.

There's motivation
to make every second count.

You never got lonely?

Not since I met you.

Isn't it scary losing that?

What are you doing?

Begging.

It's time.

Tell me more about the finite.

Um...

Let's see, uh...

When you're sick
it makes you feel lucky

for all the times
when you were healthy.

Sunrises and sunsets?

Some things are just beautiful
no matter what.

And a constant reminder that
you only get so many.

So you gotta
fucking enjoy them.

Some pizza and a bottle of wine
with the right person.

That can make
the shittiest day better.

Coffee dates take up a pretty
good chunk of your time,

but they're worth it.

You can, you can choose to
work yourself to death,

but you can also throw
all that work away

without regrets
for the right person.

Maybe that's chemical,
but it's also magic.

Ah...

Love comes around a couple times
if you're lucky.

Life always seems short
no matter what.