Original subtitles

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

-(THUNDER BREAKS) -(SCREAMS)

(STUTTERS) There sure are a lot of the dark and stormy nights here in Transylvania.

But, as we say in the blood bank business,

just 'cause there's a lot O-negative,

doesn't mean you can't B-positive.

(KNOCK AT DOOR)

A customer... At this hour?

(THUNDER RUMBLES)

Good evening. I'm in search of blood.

Well, you've come to the right place. Please step on in.

Good! I could really use a drink.

You're not supposed to drink the blood.

You're supposed to donate it.

Relax, I'm a vampire.

Drinking blood is what I do.

(STAMMERS)

Vampire.

(SCREAMS) Vampire!

Did someone say "Vampire"?

(GRUNTS)

Daffy van Duckling. Greatest vampire hunter in the world,

has vanquished the vampire.

But I'm not a vampire.

I know a vampire when I see one.

Just look at your pale skin, those blood-sucking incisors, that curly tail!

You are so a vampire.

Would you mind getting the door?

You got it, chump!

Have a lovely evening, my good sir.

Now back to Dracula.

I'm not the vampire.

Vampires don't show their reflection.

Sorry to bother you. I dropped one.

You know, I think that was the vampire.

That's what I was trying to tell you.

Fear not, pedestrian! Daffy van Duckling is here.

So, what's the plan?

You get in the coffin.

When the vampire climbs in, grab him.

What? Why don't you get in the coffin?

You're the vampire hunter.

No time for discussion. The plan's in motion.

(DRILLING)

- He might... -(BABBLING)

-(KNOCK AT DOOR) - Isn't that how it always is?

Right when you sit down to a meal.

I represent the Super Deluxe Coffin Company,

making super deluxe coffins since 1959.

Have you ever had a bad night's sleep?

Well, multiply that by eternity!

I'm listening.

Let me introduce you to the Sarcophagus 3000,

the most state-of-the-art casket on the market today.

Ooh!

This beaut's got everything.

Hot tub, flat-screen TV, not to mention, free Wi-Fi.

That's nice.

Even dead people got to stay connected.

Exactly! Go ahead, give it a spin.

(GIGGLING)

Oh, yes, this is nice. It's so soft.

This would be like sleeping on a pile of puppies.

Wow! That sounds too good to be true.

- Let me try it out. I was here first. -(PORKY GROANS)

Wow! This is really comfortable.

A duck could get used to this kind of...

Gotcha! Ha!

Toodle-doo Nosfera.. (STUTTERS) Nosfera... (STUTTERS)

...vampire!

(DAFFY SHRIEKS)

Wow, that plan actually worked?

And right now we just need to grab...

(EXCLAIMS)

I'm gonna check on my friend.

(STAMMERING)

(BOTH SCREAMING)

Now that I've gotten rid of those numbskulls, I can get back to my meal.

(SCREAMING)

(GRUNTS)

(GROANING)

I got the blood. Let's find another way out of here.

-(KNOCK AT DOOR) - Oh, good!

What are you doing? That's the vampire!

VAMPIRE: No, it isn't. It's Joe, from Transylvania Gas Company.

Now's not a good time, Joe.

I thought maybe, you were the pizza guy.

You ordered a pizza?

Vampire hunting has made me peckish.

Oh, sorry about that. Clearly not a good time.

I'll come back later, okay?

(FOOTSTEPS WALKING AWAY)

Oh, hey, pizza guy! That pizza sure smells fantastic!

Sure is, Joe from Transylvania Gas Company.

I have this delicious pizza pie

for the two mortals in this lovely castle.

- Oh, good! My pizza's here! - Daffy! (STAMMERS) That's the...

Vampire!

You have to work a second job?

No, it was a ruse. I was trying to...

Oh, forget it. I'm going to suck your blood!

(BOTH SCREAMING)

Oh, good! Sunlight. He can't get us or he'll burn.

Ha! You'll never get us now, you goblin!

You succubus!

You glorified lamprey!

Ha! I've seen mosquitoes tougher than you.

(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

You know, mosquitoes nowadays are pretty tough.

They'll bite your head off.

And so will I!

Hello. The door was open.

I've got a pizza delivery here for a Diffy von Dorkling?

- I'm right over here. - What is happening?

Are you gonna deny us a last meal?

I suppose it's only fair.

Yuck! It has garlic on it.

- Garlic? Give me that! - Hey!

(GULPS)

(GASPS)

(CROAKS)

I feel the same way about garlic.

(IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) You!

You're not getting rid of me that easy!

(YELLING) Turn me back!

Sometimes, it takes a bat to get rid of a bat.

I did it! Daffy van Duckling vanquished the vampire.

(THUNDER RUMBLES)

Let's see if this can also get rid of ducks.

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

Morning! And welcome to Tad Tucker's five-and-a-half minute workout.

The only workout program that uses natures natural gymnasium

to get your body in rock-solid shape.

Now, before you start your total body work over,

it's important that you get proper nutrition.

For example, this morning I ate an entire family of rabbit.

So delicious.

Nothing gets you juice like eating rabbit.

But if you don't have time to catch an entire family of rabbits,

you can buy one of Tad Tucker's energy bars.

There's an entire family of rabbits in every one.

Now, let's get started.

I'm gonna push you harder than you've ever been pushed before.

-(HORN HONKS) -(CRASHES)

- My car! -(CAR ALARM BLARING)

Oh, I'm gonna push Tad Tucker all right.

- Push him real good. -(CAR ALARM CHRIPS)

What in the platypus? My camera's been knocked over.

And someone's put a scarecrow made of muddy leaves in the car

and set off the alarm.

No matter, it's not gonna stop me

from helping you get into the best shape of your life.

The first thing I want you to do

is something I call "chasing the wombat".

(PANTING) Yeah.

Start by running in place.

You wanna grab that wombat.

Grab that wombat.

One, two...

Three. (EXCLAIMS)

(GROANS)

(GROANING) Stand by, folks.

All right,

well, obviously, I forgot lesson number one.

Don't leave anything lying around your workout area.

Especially rabbit traps.

Now let's move on to our next exercise

which I call, "Punching the dingo".

This is for your triceps and biceps.

Punch the dingo. Come on.

Punch him like you mean it.

That dingo took your girlfriend.

Now he's on your left.

-(BUZZING) -(SCREAMS)

(MUFFLED) That's the fun part of working out in nature.

You never know when you're going to get some extra cardio.

Oh, there we go.

Now, this next exercise is called "the squatting kangaroo".

Imagine you're a kangaroo squatting in the Outback.

I want you to squat and jump.

Squat and jump.

Really explode through your gluteus.

Now, give me five good jumps. Squat and...

Jump!

(SCREAMING)

Well, I've been pricked and stung and caught in my own rabbit traps.

No pain, no six-pack abs.

Now, all you need for this next exercise

is a resistance band and a tree stump.

Attach the band to the stump

and push away to flex those pecks and deltoid muscles.

(STRAINING)

TAD: I can feel my muscles getting rock hard.

Oh, yeah.

I better be careful,

otherwise my perfect physique is gonna go straight to my...

(SCREAMS)

That went straight to his head, all right.

(CHUCKLES) Okay, lesson learned.

That band must've gotten caught on a rock.

So, I just swung the band over this branch

and it's time to work on our lower trapezius muscles.

Must get ripped!

(GROANS)

Okay, forget that resistance band.

I'm gonna use nature.

This is a more challenging exercise anyway.

For this one, you need five medium-sized boulders and a hill.

You have to push all of these boulders to the top of the hill

as quickly as you can.

Remember, no Sisyphus-ing around.

Ready? Go.

(STRAINS)

Okay, that's one.

Now, let's keep up the pace.

That's one down, four to go.

Remember, try not to focus on how many are left...

(SQUEALS)

(GROANS) I got wedged between those two boulders.

No big deal. Try to man up and...

(SCREAMS)

What the... I gotta get out of here.

It's coming back! (GROANS)

(GROANS)

Thank goodness, I can rest for a second.

(GROANS)

(IMITATING TAD) Remember folks, eat a family of rabbits.

(LAUGHS) All right, we've come to my favorite part of the workout...

The obstacle course.

Let me show you how to do it.

All you have to do is hop through these rope squares,

climb this rope,

shimmy across here,

monkey bar over to this tree,

do three inverted sit-ups,

one, two, three,

do your best Tarzan impression,

(MIMICS TARZAN YELL)

And then, just run back to the beginning

and do it all over again.

Now that you got the hang of it,

let's do it together.

Okay, first the rope squares.

(GRUNTING)

-(SNIFFING) - Climb the rope.

Shimmy across here.

(ROARS)

Monkey bars!

That was close.

Everybody knows that bears don't have the upper body strength...

(SCREAMS)

(GROANS)

(SCREAMING)

(BEAR GROWLS)

(TAD SCREAMING)

Push, baby!

(GROANS)

(GRUNTS) Oi!

(TAD EXCLAIMING)

(SLURRING) You see... As promised, my body got totally worked out.

(GROANS)

(GROWLS)

Tad was right about one thing,

workin' out can be a real grizzly experience.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)