Original subtitles

[rock music]

♪ ♪

Welcome to the West Texas Nature Preserve, mm-kay?

So before we get started, interesting fact:

We're just a few hundred feet away

from the New Mexico border,

which is in the Mountain Time Zone.

So if you go up the road just a bit,

it's an hour earlier.

Whoa.

So we can, like, travel through time?

Well, no. That's not how it works.

It's just a different time zone.

Whoa.

Did you hear that, Beavis?

He said we can travel to future time zones.

Cool, yeah, yeah. [both laugh]

Let's go.

Now, if you keep your eyes peeled,

you can see up to two kinds of cactus.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Well, Beavis, on the other side of that sign

lies an hour in the future.

Whoa. - [laughs]

A place few people will ever go.

Well, here we are.

Cool.

It feels advanced or something.

So, um, so what do you wanna do here in the future?

Uh, let's go in there and get a hot dog.

[laughs] - Um, I'm not hungry yet.

Uh, then let's go another hour in the future

when it's lunchtime.

Oh, yeah. Good idea, yeah.

This is cool. - Just go around here.

It's gonna be cool. [laughs]

There we go.

Yeah, that's better.

Yeah, now I'm starving.

I think.

This hot dog is full of things not known

to our time.

[chuckles]

Oh, damn it.

Don't worry, Beavis.

We can just, like, go back in time an hour

to before it got the germs on it.

Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah, cool.

[chortles]

[both laugh]

There we go.

It's amazing no one else has thought of this.

Most people are stupid, Beavis.

It's a fact. - Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, that's better.

No germs.

Hey, you gotta pay for those.

Uh, sir, don't worry.

In the future, we will get some money,

and then we will go back in time

and pay for this an hour ago.

Remember? [laughs]

- Ow! [grunts] - Damn it.

Boy, for a guy in the future,

he doesn't understand time travel.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, I thought people in the future

were supposed to be smart.

Jesus.

[Jacob Sartorius' "Chapstick"]

* I wore that hoodie to school this morning ♪

[laughs]

White people.

[chuckles]

This is like a boy band,

but with just one person, yeah.

Yeah, and he actually is a boy.

Yeah, he looks like he's 11.

[both laugh]

Yeah, check this out, Butt-Head.

[laughs] Yeah.

Yeah, I mean, yeah, this kid, he's young, you know?

You know, and he says like, uh,

"Hey, you wanna come back to my crib?"

He means an actual crib, you know what I'm saying?

He's young, you know?

[laughs]

You're in rare form today, Beavis.

Yeah, I mean, I don't wanna say he's young, but, uh,

you know, this chick thinks he's got wood,

but it's just his diaper's full, you know?

And he's young, this kid, you know?

Hey-yo! [both laugh]

* Nothing between us but Chapstick ♪

Uh, isn't it, like, illegal for a girl her age

to be with a kid his age?

[chortles] - Yeah, yeah, really.

He's a victim. [laughs]

[chuckles]

He's wearing headphones, so he doesn't have to listen

to this crap.

Yeah, they should let us listen

to whatever he's listening to.

They're playing Mozart

to help with his brain development.

[both laugh]

Yeah, it's not working.

* Between us but Chapstick ♪

"Nothing between us but Chapstick,"

what's that even mean?

Well, I'll tell you one thing

that's not between 'em, pubic hair.

[both laugh]

Uh, come on, Butt-Head. That's kind of mean.

Uh, I don't care.

He's rich,

and he gets to score when he's 11.

[chuckles]

He'll be just fine.

[laughs]

Uh, let's go to the future and see if future chicks have,

like, loosened up any about wanting to score.

Um, I'm gonna go backwards,

so I don't go too far into the future.

I don't wanna get, like, eaten by a robot or something.

Uh, good thinking, Beavis.

- Aah, aah! - [laughs]

Uh, damn it.

I think I broke my arm, Butt-Head.

[cracks] Ow.

Nothing to worry about, Beavis.

Let's just go back an hour to before you broke it.

Oh, yeah, yeah. Ow.

Yeah, I think it feels better or something.

Yeah. [laughs]

Ow.

Whoa, check it out, Beavis. Future chicks.

I can drive until we get to Midland if you want.

Uh, hey, future baby.

[laughs] [arm cracks]

We're from, like, a bygone era.

We would like to score with you.

- [laughs] - In the future.

Oh, my God, what happened to your arm?

Oh, um, I'm gonna break it later.

Yeah.

It's really gonna hurt in an hour.

Whoa, I gotta sit down here.

Damn it, Beavis. You're messing up my game.

Let's go back in time an hour and do this again.

And don't screw it up this time.

Okay, okay, yeah.

Now this time let me do all the talking, dumbass.

Hey, thanks for the coffee, hon.

Now what do we do, Butt-Head?

It's like we went too far back in time

to when they had boyfriends or something.

Beavis, mark my words:

we will travel through time until we find the part

of human history where we can score.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

[laughs] Boi-oi-oi--ahh!

We just have to keep going back in time

until before those chicks met their boyfriends.

[laughs] - Um, okay, yeah.

Um, think we're there yet?

Uh, probably. [laughs]

Just a little further to make sure.

I just wanna be careful not to go too far back

to, like, before they were born.

I'm gonna go back in time to before you were born

and do your mom.

That's not funny, Butt-Head.

Come on. Don't do that.

- [laughs] - I'm gonna be your dad.

Yeah, shut up!

Come back here!

I'm gonna kick your ass!

Run along, little Beavis.

Your mother and I need some alone time.

Stop going back in time, butthole!

Come here!

Whoa. I'm getting dizzy.

Must be the time travel.

I'm gonna kick your ass.

Quit moving around in circles.

Son of a bitch. - [grunts]

Ow, ow, ow, my arm! Ahh, ahh!

- Uh, damn it. - [chuckles]

Um, uh, Butt-Head?

Where are we?

Where's that sign?

Uh, it's gone.

[laughs]

Beavis, we're trapped in the past.

Oh, boy. [laughs]

[light music]

Oh, cool, yeah.

Yeah, Shark Week kicks ass.

[laughs]

It sure does.

[laughs]

You know what I always wondered?

Where is the shark's butt, you know?

You just don't see anything back there, you know?

Well, I'm glad you asked, Beavis.

The bull shark doesn't have a butt.

It has an anus,

which is located in the sub-schlongal region.

[laughs]

Just near the testicular mesiphries.

[chuckles]

Oh, wow.

Wow, that's interesting, Butt-Head.

How do you know so much about sharks?

Uh, sometimes when I'm watching Shark Week,

I, like, pay attention and stuff.

Like, did you know at one time 75% of the Earth's surface

was covered with sharks?

Whoa, really? Yeah, I don't know.

That seems like a lot, Butt-Head.

It's true, Beavis.

And if they ever stop swimming, they score.

[laughs] - Really?

I mean, why do they swim at all?

It is a mystery, Beavis.

We don't know.

Also, a shark can go like six months without water.

That's amazing.

You know what I don't understand is, um,

they always have, like, those little fish

that are, like, following 'em around, you know?

Like, right on their wings or whatever.

Their scientific name is the Beavis Fish.

[laughs]

Also known as the Wuss Fish.

Much like the Land Beavis,

it follows around someone much cooler than itself.

[laughs]

Shut up, Butt-Head! Come on.

This fish has another thing in common with you, Beavis.

The Beavis Fish's mom is known as the notorious Slut Fish.

Come on, Butt-Head. Come on.

It has done it with whales, octopuses,

penguins, drowning dudes, the bottom of a boat,

you name it.

If it swims, she'll do it.

Come on, Butt-Head. That's enough.

Uh, okay, just one more. [chuckles]

No, Butt-Head. Come on.

You're gonna thank me, Beavis.

It's a good one.

Okay, okay, okay.

One more and that's all.

She turned the coral reef into the oral reef.

[both laugh]

Yeah, yeah.

I guess you were right, Butt-Head.

[both laugh]

Oral reef. [laughs]

So, like, um, where's the bus?

I think the bus hasn't been invented yet.

[both laugh] - Damn it.

That sucks.

How are we gonna get home?

Our home is gone, dumbass.

I think we went back like a hundred years

to caveman times.

Yeah, well, um, let's go find a cave to live in.

Maybe one that has a TV or something.

[laughs]

I'm gonna score with a gorilla.

And I'm gonna invent fire, yeah.

I'm gonna score with that long-time-ago chick

with the leaf on her thingy.

Um, can I score with the gorilla then?

[laughs]

Uh, no.

I get both.

Damn it. That sucks.

I know it's late,

but we can't leave until everyone is on the bus.

Has anyone seen Beavis and Butt-Head?

No one has seen Beavis and Butt-Head?

Not one person?

Come on, guys. Think.

Not one person's seen Beavis and Butt-Head?

[rock music]

♪ ♪

Chirp.