Original subtitles

* MTV ♪

[both chuckling]

[rock music]

♪ ♪

[gibberish]

Bow down before the almighty bunghole!

[gibberish]

I am Cornholio.

I need TP for my bung-- aah!

Put your hands behind your back.

- Are you threatening me? - Stop resisting.

Throw the book at him, sirs.

[can hisses]

Take him to jail.

He's a weirdo, and no one likes him anyway.

You must release the almighty bunghole.

You will unhand the mighty bunghole.

- [laughs] - I will resist!

I will resist! Unhand me!

Ah, ah! - Stop spitting.

- You must release me now! - Hey, no biting!

Ah!

You will not restrain the almighty bunghole.

[grunting] Aah!

Today we're going to be talking

about William Shakespeare's inspiring play about love,

"Romeo and Juliet,"

who were teenagers, just like you.

Yeah, yeah. That's interesting, yeah.

Mm-hmm, yep. Mm-hmm.

Yeah, yeah.

Mm-hmm, yeah, yeah.

[laughs] Yeah.

Hey, Butt-Head.

Hey, Butt-Head, Butt-Head, wake up.

[groans] Damn it, Beavis.

I told you to never wake me up.

This better be good.

Butt-Head, that chick just looked at me.

[grunts]

Butt-Head, Butt-Head, she's doing it again.

Uh, she's probably, like,

never seen a dumbass weirdo before,

so she wants to, like, check one out in person.

[laughs] - No, no, that's not it.

She's seen me before, yeah.

Can everyone please focus, mm-kay?

They're kind of in the 1% of Verona.

They're also...

Whoa, it's a note.

Hm, lemme see that, Beavis.

Let's see here.

Hm. [laughs]

Yeah, what's it say?

Uh, it says I,

and then she drew, like, a butt.

[laughs]

Uh, and I think this is, like, the bottom of a foot.

Boy, she doesn't draw very good.

So it says, "I kick you in the ass."

[laughs]

She's gonna kick your ass, Beavis.

[laughs] - Wait a minute.

She's gonna kick my ass? Really?

She couldn't have said it any simpler, Beavis.

Do you think she can kick my ass?

She sure can, Beavis.

She's a weirdo just like you. [laughs]

She's got weirdo strength.

Oh, no.

Beavis and Butt-Head, what is going on back there?

Uh, Beavis is having one of his outbursts again.

Time to call the police.

[sighs]

Okay, I'm going to have to separate you two,

mm-kay?

Beavis, can you trade seats with Hector, please?

Go ahead, Beavis. Sit in Hector's seat.

Oh, boy. [chuckles]

[soft music]

♪ ♪

Hi, Beavis.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

How's it goin'?

Kick his ass.

[chuckles]

But what makes "Romeo and Juliet" so universal

is the Bard's portrayal of love's excitement

and dangers, mm-kay?

My name's Glennis.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

How's it going there, Glennis?

[softly] I saw you in the cafeteria.

Everyone thinks you're weird.

They think I'm weird too.

Yeah, yeah. [laughs]

Check it out.

Do you like it?

Um, what's it say?

Metallica. It's on your T-shirt.

Um, oh, no, no.

No, I think it says, um, "medium" or something.

[laughs] Yeah, medium, yeah.

They're almost the same shape though, you know,

so you were close, you know?

Good job. - Okay, everyone, please focus.

And since you two star-crossed students

seem to be so interested,

perhaps you can share with us something about love.

Glennis, can you name something or someone you love?

Um, there is someone.

But I'd rather not say.

Mm-kay, that's fine.

And you, Beavis?

Do you have a great love in your life?

Um, yeah, I don't really have feelings and stuff.

Come on, Beavis.

There must be someone or something

that you feel deeply passionate about.

Well, yeah, um,

yeah, now that you mentioned it,

there kind of is actually, you know?

Like, I have a love

that I can't stop thinking about.

And, um, and it gives me a special feeling, you know?

But I never told anyone about it

'cause I was afraid they won't understand.

Yeah. [laughs]

Tell us who it is, Beavis.

Be brave like Juliet.

Um, okay.

Okay, yeah, yeah. I will, yeah.

I will tell you, yeah.

Here it goes. Yeah.

Um, it's fire!

Yeah, fire!

Fire! [chuckles]

I love fire.

[both laugh]

That kid is weird.

Diana has in store for Denzel,

but he did not come to play.

"But he did not come to play."

[laughs]

Boy, he sucks.

[laughs] - What is this anyway?

This is that show where they take a couple,

and then, like, they have 'em give each other tattoos,

but they can't see it until they're all done or something.

Oh, my God!

Another fine offering

from the good people at MTV.

[both laugh]

Yeah, okay.

Yeah, let's see what he got, yeah.

[dramatic music]

both: Three!

Oh, my God. both: Two.

- [sighs] - One.

I thought seconds were faster than that.

Not when you're watching this show.

- [laughs] - [chortles]

Nah.

- Uh... - What's that supposed to mean?

Diarrhea?

Whoa. [chuckles]

It doesn't really look like diarrhea though, you know?

Doesn't usually come in a ball like that, you know?

I mean, I'm not doctor or anything, you know?

Just a fan, you know?

[laughs]

Uh, wait a minute.

I think that's her name.

[both laugh]

You know, it's not a bad name really, you know?

Um, because diarrhea just kind of flows off the tongue,

you know? [laughs]

Diarrhea Jones, yeah.

Uh, it doesn't flow off the tongue, Beavis.

[chuckles] It flows out of your butt.

- You came in dirty as [bleep]. - [laughs]

Uh, okay, let's see what he had tattooed on her.

I bet this is gonna be good, yeah.

Uh, I think this also says "Diarrhea."

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, with a picture of some diarrhea too, yeah.

See, now that looks like diarrhea, yeah.

Uh, so I guess they're both named Diarrhea.

Well, that makes it easier.

[both laugh]

[giggles]

He's like, "Diarrhea,

will you make me the luckiest man in the world?"

[laughing] I wanna have you forever, Diarrhea.

[chuckling] - Yes, yes!

And then when they get married,

the priest is gonna be like,

"Diarrhea, do you take this man,

who I think's name is also Diarrhea,

to be your lawfully wedded husband,

for richer or poorer,

through sickness and, uh--

I guess just through sickness? [laughs]

Through diarrhea and health.

[both laugh]

They're honeymoon's gonna be in the toilet.

[laughs]

I do-doo. [chortles]

They're so cute! Aw.

This is what the bottom of the barrel looks like.

[both laugh]

Oh, my God.

So, um, so what happens

at the end of "Romeo and Juliet"?

Damn it, Beavis, you better not be talking

about a play.

Sorry, sorry about that. [police siren wailing]

Uh, whoa.

What's going on?

You know that weird girl in Van Driessen's class?

She burned down the honors trailer.

Whoa, there she is.

[exhales]

Whoa, she's writing something, Butt-Head.

It's a line.

Uh, that means "I."

And then there's a butt again.

And, um, and that looks like, um,

like some kind of face or something.

[laughs] - Uh, it's a head.

Butt-Head.

That's me. [laughs]

Oh, do you think that means she wants you?

Probably.

Maybe if she had actually kicked your ass

I'd have noticed her more.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

You know, it's too bad she's going to jail

because you probably could have scored with her.

Yeah, but who cares?

Lots of chicks wanna score with me.

It's because I'm not a weirdo like you, Beavis.

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

But, um, but if all these chicks like you,

how come you've never scored?

[laughs] - It is a mystery, Beavis.

Nobody knows.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, right, yeah. [laughs]

[engine turning over]

[siren wailing]

She wanted my schlong.

[both laugh]

Oh, yeah, yeah.