Original subtitles

[rock music]

♪ ♪

[bell rings]

Well, I hope to see everyone tonight

at the school dance.

The Dance Committee worked really hard

decorating the gym, okay?

Hey, are you dorks going to the dance?

Uh, no. [chuckles]

We're gonna drink beer and kick some ass.

[chuckles]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, drinking beer and kicking ass.

Yeah. [chuckles]

Um, Butt-Head, we don't have any beer.

We don't have any ass either.

Go kick that grasshopper's ass

while I figure out how to get some beer.

[chuckles]

Okay, um... [chuckles]

Let's see, um...

which part is his ass? Okay, here we go.

[grunts]

[grasshopper buzzing]

[screaming] Butt-Head, help!

You got some insect pests in your lot there, do you?

Uh, can you, like, shut up? [chuckles]

Beavis is trying to kick this bug's ass.

Well, that's not gonna get rid of 'em.

You need some pesticide. Here, follow me.

Yeah, the American pesticides don't work anymore

because of the goddamn hippie environmentalists,

so I drove down to Mexico

and got some good, old fashioned DDT.

It's getting so Mexico is the only place

you can be an American anymore.

Yeah, just don't touch it now. It's real poisonous.

[chuckles] What is that stuff?

Uh, well, let's see.

That says something in Spanish. Uh, and that's a fly.

Whoa, Spanish, fly.

This is Spanish fly.

Um, and what's that? [chuckles]

That's, like, a "after-disiac"

[chuckles]

It, like, makes people who want to drink it

want to score. [chuckles]

Yeah, but I already want to score.

[chuckles]

So do I, Beavis, but wouldn't it be

a better world if everyone was like us?

[chuckles]

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, then everyone

would be scoring all the time.

Yeah. [chuckles]

Beavis, we could make the world a better place.

[metal barrel thuds]

Those are two good boys out there, I tell you what.

Not like those other two who live around here,

Travis and Burt.

Mm-hmm.

This is gonna be cool.

Before we set off on our journey,

let's relax and get comfortable.

You may notice your breath.

You may notice your breath. [chuckles]

Boy, this guy is a creepy perv. [chuckles]

You may notice your head and neck

relaxing onto your pillow...

You may notice yourself

watching a horrible, boring video that sucks.

This reminds me of that pervy guy

at the model train store that always takes you camping.

Shut up, Butt-Head. He's not pervy.

[chuckles]

And you may not notice my hands

even getting lower. [chuckles]

Shut up, Butt-Head.

He's just a little handsy. [chuckles]

You know, he just likes to sniff hair

and rub shoulders and stuff like that, you know.

[chuckles]

This evening on the way to sleep,

we'll be travelling from Rouen to Evreux.

We'll be traveling from "rugh" to "abugh"

[chuckles]

Yeah, and we'll be stopping off

at "bleugh-ugh"... [chuckles]

To use the bathroom and have a shake or something.

[chuckles]

What language is that? [chuckles]

Uh, I think it's, like, French.

Oh, yeah, yeah. [chuckles]

I think, to speak French, you have to, like,

drink a bunch of milk and get all this, like,

phlegm in your throat so you can start going

[uttering throaty nonsense syllables]

[chuckles] Yeah, yeah.

[uttering throaty nonsense syllables]

Whoa, that's pretty good, Beavis.

Where did you learn to do that? [chuckles]

Um, my grandpa used to speak French

when he got up in the morning.

He'd be like... [coughing]

And also, like, once a week when he was locked

in the room with Grandma.

[grunting]

Ooh, ah, ooh. [coughs]

Bleh, bleh, ugh, ugh!

Uh, so what does that mean?

I think he was saying, like, "This sucks" or something.

[both chuckling]

[both chuckling]

Spanish fly is cool. [chuckles]

- [chuckles] - [grunts]

[chuckles]

[both grunting]

I think it, like, melted my shoe or something.

You won't need that shoe when you score, Beavis.

Yeah, everyone in the school is gonna drink this stuff,

and then everyone is gonna score.

[chuckles] Yeah.

Shoes will become a thing of the past.

Yeah, yeah, and pants too. [chuckles]

They will call us heroes. [chuckles]

You know, Butt-Head, I just wanna say, um,

it feels really good to do something nice

for other people. You know what I mean?

Now let's give it a little flavor here.

[punch hisses]

Huh. [chuckles]

Where'd it go?

Um, I think my foot is bleeding.

[pop music]

Just look at all those people, Beavis.

They have no idea that tonight they shall score.

[chuckles]

This is the most nicest thing we have ever done.

I don't even need anyone to thank us, yeah.

[chuckles]

Just feels good to do it, you know?

[chuckles] - That's right, Beavis.

Everyone having sex with each other

right here in the gym will be its own reward.

Yeah, yeah, this is the true meaning of Christmas.

Yeah. [chuckles]

Yeah. [chuckling]

Um, Butt-Head, do you think it might run out later,

and then we don't get any, and then we don't get to score?

Uh, I don't know. [chuckles]

I'm gonna have a little now just in case.

[coughs] Ugh.

Good idea. [chuckles]

[coughing] Ooh!

[clears throat]

Um, Butt-Head, it doesn't taste very good.

That's the taste of scoring, dumbass,

and if you don't like it,

then maybe scoring's not for you.

[coughs] Ugh!

No. [coughs]

No, I like it. It tastes good.

I think it was just that damn orange

I put in there. [coughs]

Yeah, that's good. [coughs]

I think it's, like, scoring in my mouth

or something maybe. I don't know, hm.

Uh, you drank more than me, butthole.

[chuckles] [coughs]

Now we're even. - No way, Butt-Head!

That was more than me!

Ugh, ah! [coughs]

Now we're even, yeah. - No, we're not.

You didn't count that stuff that was on your shoe.

No way, Butt-Head, that's not fair.

[both coughing]

[both groaning]

Uh, I don't feel so good.

[chuckles] - Yeah, me too, yeah.

[chuckles]

Maybe we'll feel better after we score.

[sighs] - Oh, yeah.

[chuckles]

Help yourself to some punch, ladies.

It'll make the world a better place.

Uh, wait a minute,

some greedy butthole drank it all.

You know, you know, some people just don't care

about others, you know? It's sad.

[chuckles]

Oh, what happened to the festive punch I made?

There was organic apple juice in it and--

[retches]

[retching]

Oh, my.

[Benee's "Supalonely"]

[chuckles]

Breakfast sucks. [chuckles]

I mean, it's not my favorite meal,

but, um, I'd say it's in my top three.

* I don't wanna seem it ♪

♪ I don't wanna ♪

She needs, like, more auto-tune on her voice.

Yeah, I don't think that's auto-tune, Butt-Head.

That's just the way she sings. I can do that.

Yeah. [chuckles]

Uh, really?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, anyone can do it.

Yeah, yeah, check it out. [chuckles]

♪ This video sucks ♪

See? [chuckles]

Whoa. How do you do that?

[chuckles]

You know, you just sort of, like, um...

you just sort of do an auto-tune thing, you know?

You just kind of go like...

♪ Why is she in the bathtub ♪

♪ With her clothes ♪

♪ On? ♪

Uh, hm.

Let me try it. [chuckles]

♪ Why ♪

♪ Is this chick in the bathtub ♪

♪ With her clothes on? ♪

No, no, you're not doing it right, Butt-Head.

That sounded as good as yours.

No, no, it didn't. Sorry, Butt-Head, it didn't.

[chuckles]

Uh, yeah, it was. Shut up, dumbass.

[chuckles]

I can show you how to do it.

You just want to, like, move your throat

and, like, your lips and your mouth

and kind of change the notes in the--

well, like this. Watch really close here, okay?

♪ This chick ♪

♪ Is pretty hot ♪

♪ Boi-oi-oing ♪

[both chuckle]

* This chick is pretty hot ♪

♪ Boi-oi-oing ♪

[chuckles]

Ooh, that was horrible, Butt-head.

Damn it, Beavis,

I'm gonna auto-tune the backside of your head.

* No, you won't ♪

[screams melodically]

Whoa, that sounded pretty good, Beavis.

I'm gonna try it again.

[flesh thwacks] Ugh!

[screams melodically]

The DDT gave them massive brain damage.

It's amazing they have enough brain function

to still be alive.

Actually, Doctor, these scans are from before

they drank the DDT.

These boys were here a month ago

to have objects removed from their nasal cavities.

Uh, those were army men, yeah.

[both chuckle weakly]

They made the ultimate sacrifice.

[chuckles weakly]

[coughs]

Oh, then I guess we're done here.

Oh, boy. [grumbles]

Nobody scored, did they Butt-Head?

[chuckles]

No. [chuckles]

But at least we learned a lesson.

[chuckles]

That doing things for other people sucks?

[chuckles]

Yep, but don't worry, Beavis.

We will never do it again as long as we live.

[chuckles]

Amen, yeah. [chuckles]

[machines emitting droning tones]

[rock music]

♪ ♪

Chirp.