Original subtitles

* MTV ♪

[both chuckling]

[rock music]

♪ ♪

[tranquil music]

[ethereal shimmering]

Greetings, lowly mortals. I am Smart Butt-Head.

And I am Smart Beavis.

We speak to you from our newest purchase,

a beachfront property on your moon,

which we bought from a hot single in our area.

Um, Smart Butt-Head, I do not see the beach.

Hm. [device chimes]

And Melody1998 is not answering her communicator.

This is displeasing.

Hm, yes, yes, perhaps she is too lonely.

In the meantime, let us turn our eyes upon the Earth

and the most fascinating of all realities,

the alternate universe in which Beavis and Butt-Head

are in middle age.

Your puny brains cannot possibly understand

what you are about to see, but do your best

while we search for Melody1998.

Yes, yes, and the beach on the moon, yes.

♪ ♪

Um, Butt-Head, this couch has a spring sticking out

right next to my bunghole. - Uh, I don't care.

[chuckles] - Okay, yeah.

Yeah, that's pretty cool. [chuckles]

Ugh, boy, this beer is good today.

Likes me some beer.

[chuckles] Over here.

[chuckles]

Ah, that's what I'm talking about.

Yeah.

[chuckles]

What the hell do you think you're doing, Beavis?

I'm gonna sit here from now on, Butt-Head.

[chuckles] - The hell you say?

Yes, I am. You go sit on the spring side.

Your butt's so big, you won't even notice.

[chuckles]

Okay, Beavis, I'll just wait for you to go take a whiz,

and then I'll take it back, dumbass.

[chuckles]

Nope, I'm not gonna take a whiz, never.

[chuckles]

Never gonna whiz. [chuckles]

- Have another beer, Beavis. - Don't mind if I do.

[chuckles]

Because I'm never gonna pee. [chuckles]

[grumbling] Ah.

Good morning, Beavis. How's your bladder?

[grunts]

Never felt better, yep. Just fine.

[chuckles]

[shivering and grumbling]

Look at the waterfall, Beavis, gently pouring down

like pee coming out of a wiener.

- [shivering and grumbling] - [sighs]

Just let it go. - Ugh, ugh.

- [chuckles] - Damn it.

Don't need to take a whiz. Nope, no thank you.

[chuckles]

Hm, mm, yeah, hm, mm.

Beavis, it's been two days. I've peed 31 times.

Yeah, well, I tricked you, butthole!

I will never have to pee because when you were asleep,

I put a chip clip on my wiener! [chuckles]

Yeah, I win!

I finally beat you at something, yeah!

[guts pop]

[screams] Ah, my kidneys!

[coughing] [screams]

Ah, that's better. [chuckles]

Both of this man's kidneys popped like balloons.

I've never seen anything like it.

If he doesn't get a transplant immediately,

he'll die.

[slurping]

Uh, okay. [chuckles]

What's your pain level on a scale of one to ten?

Ugh, oh...

69.

[both chuckle]

That's very high.

If we can't find a kidney donor match

for him soon, we're going to have to send him to hospice.

[groaning] [coughs]

Yes?

You said piss. [coughs]

- [chuckles] - Oh, ah.

That's right, buddy, I did. Hang in there.

Would you like to be tested

to see if you can donate your kidney to your friend?

Uh, no.

We found a match.

There's only one in the entire state,

and, by God, we found him. - Is he willing to donate?

He drove himself two hours to get here,

and he says he wants to help Mr. Beavis any way he can.

In fact, he says he knows the both of you.

Hey, guys, it's me Stewart. Remember me?

Uh, no.

Stewart, your best buddy from high school.

Oh, yeah. [chuckles]

That sucks. [chuckles]

[laughs] You guys.

The three amigos are back!

Jesus Christ, Stewart, not now.

I'm waiting for some guy both of us know

to give me a kidney.

- No, this is your donor. - [chuckles]

A part of Stewart is going inside you.

[chuckles] - Oh, no.

Oh.

[laughs] Oh, boy.

The three of us used to have some fun together,

didn't we? - Uh, no.

You know, I was worried about donating a kidney

'cause I'm still young, and I've got the triplets,

but I'm gonna do it because we were such good friends.

[clears throat] [coughs]

Um, we weren't friends. [coughs weakly]

Aww, you guys. Nothing's changed.

Though I know if the situation were reversed,

you'd do it for me. - Wait, wait.

I don't have to do something for you, do I?

- Well, no. - Oh, good, good, good.

That's better. [chuckles]

Beavis, if this is the last time I talk to you,

I want you to know...

I did your mom. [chuckles]

[grumbling] Yeah, yeah.

Um, Butt-Head, I don't want a part of Stewart in me.

Look at him. What if I start to suck?

[chuckles] I'm scared.

Hey, um, you know what?

I'm beginning to have second thoughts

about this whole-- - Okay, shh.

Count backwards from ten. - Hey, hey, um, um--

[snores]

And now you count backwards from ten.

Ten, um, eight or something,

five, I don't know, W.

I am the great Cornholio. [chuckles]

TP. Yes, yes, TP.

♪ ♪

[Tyler, The Creator's "See You Again"]

* You live in my dream state ♪

Um, is this Tyler, The Creator?

[chuckles] - Uh, yeah.

[chuckles]

I mean, he's cool and everything,

but, um, he kind of needs a better name, you know?

[chuckles]

If I was gonna be one of these guys,

I'd be, like, Butt-Head, The Scorer.

[both chuckling]

I'd be Beavis, The Mutilator. Yeah.

[chuckles]

You'd be Beavis, The Monkey Spanker.

[chuckles]

I guess it has a nice ring to it.

[chuckles]

It's not my first choice, you know, but, uh...

* Can I get a kiss? ♪

♪ And can you make it last forever? ♪

If I was stranded on a lifeboat with that girl,

I'd be like, "Hey, baby, you ever do it on a boat

with three dudes in raincoats masturbating?"

[laughs]

Yeah, make that four. [giggles]

Damn it, Beavis. [chuckles]

You're messing up my flow again.

* Okay, okay, okay, okay dokey ♪

What country's army is this? [chuckles]

I think it's, like, Europe.

[chuckles]

Tyler, The Creator's gonna overthrow America.

[chuckles]

Yeah, I think he should overthrow America, you know?

Because he's got a lot of good ideas, you know,

and he's not like these other politicians, you know?

He tells it like it is, you know?

And he's concerned about my tax dollars,

and he says all the things that everyone else is afraid

to say, you know? [chuckles]

Whoa, he's stepping on the army's heads.

Yeah, yeah, exactly.

All these politicians,

they don't have the guts to step on people's heads.

And all these fat cats in Washington

and these companies in bed with the corporations

and the councils of representatives.

[chuckles]

He's in bed with chicks.

Yeah. [chuckles]

Yeah. [chuckles]

He'll drain the swamp.

Yeah, then he'll drain the main vein.

[chuckles]

See, he's just like us.

He puts on a Charlie Brown ghost outfit, you know?

And see, now he's turning into bees,

you know? Just like us.

[chuckles]

Like a working man do. [chuckles]

Uh, so you'd vote for this guy?

No, no, no.

No, I'm not gonna vote. No, no.

It seems like a big hassle, you know?

You know, I always say... [chuckles]

"Don't blame me, I didn't vote."

[chuckles]

I don't know why I was so worried.

The operation was a success, and now we're not just friends.

We're blood brothers. - This sucks.

I think that's worth a little dialysis here and there, huh?

I would toast to the three amigos,

but Beavis and I can't have alcohol

because of our kidney, so Butt-head,

you'll have to have an extra glass for us.

[chuckles - Oh, God.

Anyway, after I left Highland,

I kind of bounced around for, like, six years,

but now I'm doing great.

You are looking at junior administrator

at Basco Mortgage. You guys heard of it?

Mm-hmm, yeah.

Well, next time you want to buy a house,

I can get you half a point below prime.

[bottle pops]

I mean, I gotta ask Mr. Basco first,

but he's cool. He totally--

Uh, yeah, no. No, no, no, no.

Amigo, oh, uh, hey, you can't do that, Beavis.

The alcohol will mess up my-- hey, stop it.

That's my kidney in there.

[sighs] Yeah.

[guts pop] Ow!

Finally. [chuckles]

That kidney sucked. [chuckles]

Well, here you go.

I don't need this chip clip anymore.

[sighs]

- That was my kidney. - Your organ blew up.

[both chuckling]

- Yeah. - Uh, another bottle, sir.

The guy who sucks is paying.

Yeah, yeah. [chuckles]

Hey, Stewart, do you know anyone cool who has a kidney?

[rock music]