Original subtitles

[both chuckle]

[rock music]

♪ ♪

Hey, how's it going?

Do you have any matches? - No.

- How about a lighter? - No.

Because it says you have fire wings.

Get out of here, kid.

Damn it. Fartknocker.

[eerie music]

Huh, let's go have a look.

♪ ♪

Whoa, fire! Yeah, yeah!

Yeah, fire! Fire!

Fire! Fire!

♪ ♪

Hello, Beavis.

I have been waiting for you.

I am Fire.

Whoa, yeah, fire! Yeah, yeah.

You, like--you kick ass. Yeah. [chuckles]

[chuckles] I have great power, yes.

Yeah, yeah. Wait a minute.

So, like--so you can talk?

I have always been able to talk to you, Beavis.

Remember?

all: ♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

Beavis, it is I, Fire.

Look upon my fearful glory.

Fire. [chuckles]

Yeah, fire. [chuckles]

Um, Fire, do you remember when I put an M-80

in Mr. Anderson's mailbox and it started a big fire?

Yes, that was me.

Remember when I found my first lighter

and it was, like, fire. Yeah. [chuckles]

I remember. I am Fire.

Have you ever been in a volcano?

I am in all the volcanoes.

And what about that forest fire?

Yeah. - That was a great day.

Yeah, Smokey the Bear sucks. Yeah. [chuckles]

It's not his fault. I killed his parents.

He's just trying to mend the hole

in his heart that I put there.

You're cool, yeah. [chuckles]

Quite so.

And you, Beavis,

are my special one.

- Fire, fire! - Fire.

Now, Beavis, listen to me.

I am going to command you,

and you will do exactly as I say.

Yes, Fire, tell me what to do, and I will obey, yeah.

Very good.

[laughs evilly]

Now, Beavis, go to your school

and run four times around the track.

That will be one mile.

Um, that's what you want me to do?

Yes.

Okay, I guess that's pretty cool.

Yeah, yeah. I'm gonna run, yeah.

Now, be gone!

Fire, fire! [chuckles]

Yeah, fire. Fire, yeah, fire.

[sighs] Hey, Fire, I'm back.

Did you run around the track four times,

completing a distance of one mile?

Yes, Fire, yes. I did as you command, yes.

Very good, my loyal servant.

So, Fire, um, why did you command me to do that?

It was good exercise.

You needed it.

[groans] Well, I guess so.

I don't know. I mean, if you say so.

Butt-Head doesn't understand us, does he?

My special one,

what we have, what I am?

No, he doesn't. Yeah, he sucks.

Yeah, let's burn him. Yeah. [chuckles]

Hmm, perhaps, in good time,

but not today,

for I have for you a second command.

Yes, command me.

Yeah, that first one was just a warm-up. Yeah.

Look around you, Beavis.

The streets of the city are crawling with filth,

but you and I know what to do about filth,

don't we, Beavis?

Yes! Yeah! Yeah, fire! [chuckles]

I command you

to pick up all of the plastic bottles in this alley

and put them in the recycling

and then the same for the surrounding streets!

Really? Um, you command me to do that?

- Obey me! - Okay, okay. Yeah.

Yeah, fire. Okay.

Get this here. [chuckles]

Get one of these.

No, not the regular trash!

The blue one! - Okay, okay.

[mellow country music]

♪ ♪

Beavis, here's a little something

for you from Cale Dodds. [chuckles]

Yeah, this is country, I can tell, yeah. [chuckles]

♪ Down a two lane with no name... ♪

I can tell because he said "down a two lane."

And there's, like, a story. [chuckles]

I think that's the guy who makes "Family Guy."

I didn't know he was a country singer, too, yeah.

♪ I see you in a sun dress ♪

Whoa, he's trying to score at breakfast. [chuckles]

Yeah, and didn't work, yeah. [chuckles]

Well, you know, there's always lunch and dinner.

♪ They're all coming ♪

Uh, okay, he's like, "Okay, I can handle this."

Uh, hello, I'm country star Cale Dodds.

I used to be a loser like you.

Uh, I mean, not like you, exactly.

Yeah, you know what I mean, um, I was in a band.

All the chicks liked me and all that, you know.

I was nothing like you. [chuckles]

You're a loser. [both chuckle]

He's like, you see, your problem is this sweater.

Yeah, just get rid of the sweater,

and that chick'll come right over here

and get it on with you right in the middle of Applebee's.

Uh, this is like all those movies

where, like, the good-looking cool guy

teaches the dork how to score,

and he, like, trains him.

Oh, yeah, yeah. [chuckles]

He's grooming him. [chuckles]

He's like, you know, now that I paid for your meal,

why don't you come back to my place

and try on some clothes for me? [chuckles]

Yeah. [chuckles]

He's gonna wind up in a shallow grave.

[chuckles]

They told us about these kind of guys in health class.

All the warning signs were there.

They may come across as friendly at first.

They might even sing you a country song.

But beware. [chuckles]

They might buy your breakfast,

but that breakfast isn't free.

Here's what happened to a young man

who went home with Cale Dodds.

[both chuckle]

♪ The stars ain't started to glow ♪

So, like, does this video mean

that if you change your shirt, you'll score with chicks?

[both chuckle] - Yeah, that's ridiculous!

Because I have the coolest shirt

you could possibly have, and I still don't score.

♪ I like where this is going ♪

♪ I like it, yeah, I like it ♪

Uh, the only way he can score

is to go to a club and sit around

and wait for a girl to trip and fall over. [chuckles]

Yeah, maybe I should try that. [chuckles]

As soon as the director says "cut,"

that hot girl's gonna leave the dork

and go score with Cale Dodds.

[chuckles]

And then the dork is gonna go home alone,

put on a new shirt, and spank his monkey.

Now that's a country song.

[both chuckling]

Um, okay, Fire, um, so I picked up all the bottles.

Very good. Very good indeed.

[laughs]

Yeah, I guess it was fine. I don't know.

Beavis, are you ready to obey my next command?

Yes, Fire, yes!

And something cool this time maybe. Yeah.

I think you'll find this very cool.

You could say I was just getting warmed up.

[laughs]

Now, listen closely

to what you shall do.

Yeah! I'm listening closely. Yeah.

You will go and read "Call of the Wild"

and write a two-page report on it.

Um, what?

Now do my bidding.

Use topic sentences!

Um, Fire, um, why are you making me do this stuff?

You are my special one, Beavis.

Uh-huh.

And it's about time you applied yourself.

[groans]

It's one thing to screw around in middle school,

but you are almost at the point where it counts for colleges.

Oh, boy.

Now go

before I make it five pages!

Um, just wait here a second. Yeah.

[chuckles]

Um, did you know there's a fire in the garbage back there?

[groans] Again?

Yeah, there it is.

[gasps] What?

No, Beavis, no. Stop him, Beavis.

The pain! I'm being extinguished!

Punish him that dare... [coughs]

Oh, please. [coughs]

It doesn't have to be two pages...

just three paragraphs.

[groans] Remember the M-80s.

[groans] So cold.

Thanks, kid.

And there was so much left to burn.

Farewell, my special one.

That fire sucked. [chuckles]

Whoa, cool. [chuckles]

Yeah, fire!

[rock music]

Fire. Fire, fire!

♪ ♪

Chirp.