Original subtitles

It's the "Comedy Central Roast of Pamela Anderson"

with your roastmaster Jimmy Kimmel,

and your roasters...

...with special appearances by David Spade and Hugh Hefner,

and a live performance by Tommy Lee.

And now please welcome the host of "Jimmy Kimmel live,"

Jimmy Kimmel.

Kimmel: Thank you very much.

You're very kind.

Welcome to "the Pamela Anderson Roast,"

an evening with Courtney love, Tommy Lee,

Andy dick, Dennis rodman,

otherwise known as "live aids."

That's right.

Right now, simultaneous roasts

are being held on comedy central networks

in seven different countries around the world.

All proceeds from this event

will go directly to Dave chappelle in Africa.

We send him our best.

We are here tonight, of course, to honor Pamela Anderson

who showed us just how far a woman can go

when she believes in herself and gets a pair

of volleyball-sized breast implants.

That's right.

Ms. Anderson is an actress, a model, a writer, a producer.

I think, for a while, she was a hooker.

14 years ago,

Pamela Anderson joined the cast of "Home Improvement"

and before that, we were still beating off to the Cosbys.

So she's ushered in a new and exciting era.

She changed everything.

Let's take a look back now

at what makes Pamela Anderson so very special.

What did you call me?

I'm the fantasy of every man in America.

Ready for some fun? Uh.

Tool time!

Don't give up your day job.

♪ What you gonna do with all that junk ♪

♪ All that junk inside your trunk? ♪

Are you imagining me naked?

♪ Get you love drunk off my hump ♪

♪ my hump, my hump, my lovely lady lumps ♪

♪ Check it out ♪

ooh, you're kid rock and Pam Anderson!

Man: Bad boy Tommy Lee received a show of support

from wife Pamela.

She's got great taste in men.

You were a groupie. Excuse me?

I was not a groupie. I was a girlfriend. Right.

Have you heard about this videotape?

A tape was stolen from Tommy Lee and myself.

Yes. I love you.

Not that tape.

♪ I'm crazy for this little lady ♪

David Hasselhoff is doing a free concert

and people are trying to drown themselves!

♪ 'Cause she makes me feel good ♪

you're Pamela Anderson! Remember me from "Baywatch: The Movie"?

♪ I know she's a super lady ♪

I don't know anybody who wants to wear

an animal skin on their back.

Pamela Anderson Lee. Come on, Pamela.

I am not some ditzy blonde.

♪ She's so fine ♪

♪ Yeah, you're so damn hot ♪

I can do it.

♪ Yeah, you're so damn hot ♪

Dah!

♪ Yeah, you're so damn hot ♪

♪ Yeah, you're so damn hot ♪

please welcome our guest of honor this evening,

the one and only Pamela Anderson.

Pam, you look beautiful, as always.

We are here to roast you tonight.

We selected you over 1,000 other famous women

because you've accomplished so much

in your short time on this planet.

Pam has been on the cover of "Playboy" magazine

an unprecedented 11 times.

She was the first woman

to appear spread eagle in "Reader's Digest,"

and she graduated from high school.

That's right.

All this, and she just turned 38.

So at long last,

your age is finally catching up to your tits.

Pamela Anderson is a trend-setter, a pioneer.

Before Pam, the only celebrity sex tape

was a roll of duct tape

Rick James used to restrain his dates.

When Paris Hilton was still in diapers,

Pamela Anderson was already getting gang-banged on Betamax.

She loves rock stars.

The woman has screwed more musicians than Napster.

Pam, you do know

that "blow me" is just an expression, right?

Pam loves animals.

Her love of horses is what attracted her to Tommy Lee.

She has devoted so much of her time

to her work with P.E.T.A.,

the people for the ethical treatment of animals.

P.E.T.A. Is a fantastic organization.

From their tireless crusade

to ban cruel and unnecessary testing from medical experiments

to their work at Disneyland,

throwing blood on children who wear mouse ears,

they do so many great things.

But when all is said and done,

enormous genitals conquer all.

There was a rumor going around last week

that Pam and Tommy were back together.

It started when she showed up someplace with two black eyes.

It is not true.

It was a hockey accident.

She's Canadian.

Pam and Tommy are not planning to remarry,

but they continue to raise their children together.

Pam has two boys,

beautiful boys, Brandon and Dylan.

Children that when they were born,

actually walked out of her vagina.

It is that big.

Whoo!

Thanks to him.

It played the cave in "Batman Begins."

Pamela Anderson embodies the American dream.

She came here from a small town in another country

to achieve and accomplish

everything she imagined she ever could.

And don't be fooled by the dumb-blonde routine.

This woman is as smart as a rock.

We love her.

We love you, Pam.

Thank you for inviting me to do this.

Thank you for agreeing to get fucked on camera one last time.

And now, let the roasting begin.

Our first roaster tonight is part of our very successful

"Invite a random person to the roast" program.

Here's a fun game to play.

While he talks, see if you can count

how many times Pam says, "Who the fuck is that?"

You know him from "Tough Crowd with Colin Quinn,"

and that's it.

Please welcome the virtually anonymous Greg Giraldo.

Thank you. Thank you, everybody.

Jimmy Kimmel. Isn't he doughy, really?

Isn't he about to be canceled? Keep it going for Jimmy Kimmel.

Wow, that was great, Jim.

I've never seen you be funny on TV before.

Jimmy, how the hell is that show still on the air?

That wasn't a premise to a joke.

That was a real question.

I don't want to say nobody watches it,

but more people have seen Dennis Rodman reading.

Let's see, Bea Arthur, of course, is here.

Hello, Bea.

And...

It's great to have you here -- A living legend.

Actually, you and Pam have a lot in common.

You were both the quintessential feminist icons of your day,

you both were very successful,

and you both blew Kid Rock.

By the way, Pam, Kid Rock wanted to be here

but he got stuck in a 20-year-old.

Kimmel, why are you on TV?

I don't know why I'm coming back to you,

but why are you on TV?

With that moon face and that stupid cleft in your chin,

or, as you call it, Adam Carolla's jizz cup.

Carolla...

Look at you, you horse-toothed bastard.

Carolla, you got a mouth full of 2x4s.

Every time you smile,

I remember to waterproof my deck.

"Carolla" is an Italian word.

It means "one eyebrow."

Have some dignity and stick to radio.

You look like Pete Sampras with down's syndrome.

The "Lovelines" -- Only in America.

What a crappy show the "Lovelines" is.

Yeah, teenagers calling in

to complain about their abortions and their anal warts.

It's like listening to the messages

on Andy Dick's answering machine.

Speaking of anal warts,

good to see Courtney Love here.

Courtney, what the hell happened to you?

You had a great band, you're a very talented actress,

and your career dried up faster than Sarah Silverman's pussy

around guys who can't help her in the business.

Good to see Eddie Griffin -- Of course, Eddie Griffin.

People said there wouldn't be

any big movie stars here tonight,

and they were right.

Tommy Lee, of course,

it's tough to slam a guy for having a huge cock.

But we've all seen the sex tape, Tommy,

and I know the camera adds five inches, but Jesus.

Your cock is so huge,

I had to fast forward the tape to see all of it.

My 5-year-old son walked in as I was watching it.

Great, now I got to explain why the pretty blond girl

is being stabbed with a harpoon.

Of course, this brings me to Pam, the beautiful goddess.

Hi, Pam.

Pam, I love you, Pam.

I've been a fan of yours for so long.

But I've got to say, watching you in that sex tape

was like a whole new experience for me

because up until then,

I'd never seen anyone get gonorrhea before.

That was weird.

And I worry about you, Pam. What's up with the implants?

They're in, they're out, they're in, they're out.

They're right here. Yeah.

You've had it in and out so many times.

They're not contact lenses, Pam, they're tits.

You've been flattened out and reinflated

more times than Jeff Ross' prom date.

You're... You're the best. You're the best.

You're a vegetarian,

but you have no trouble swallowing a moose cock.

You're environmentally conscious,

but you've caused more seed to be spilled

than the department of agriculture.

I've been a fan of yours for so long.

I feel terrible that you're gonna get abused here today.

Who are these nobodies?

Who are these nobodies up here to make fun of you?

People like Lisa Lampanelli.

I'm sure she's gonna come up here and be mean and fat.

But you know what? But you know what?

Fuck her.

You've been on the cover of "Playboy" so many times

and you didn't have to fuck Hugh Hefner to do it.

You fucked him anyway, but you didn't have to.

That's right. You didn't have to.

You're multitalented. You have a TV show.

You're involved in lots of humanitarian causes.

You've even "written" two novels.

You're busier than Courtney's pharmacist.

What's with the books, Pam?

You have two novels out. Two novels.

You've now written more books than you've read.

Pam, give up this being-a-novelist crap

and stick to what you do best.

You never saw Ernest Hemingway titty-fucking a rock star,

did ya?

I love your show "Stacked."

It shows your range, and it proves to everyone

that you can masturbate to a sitcom

no matter how unfunny it is.

I love it. "Stacked," you get it?

It's a double entendre. Yeah.

You work in a bookstore.

There are stacks there, and you're stacked.

So we call it "Stacked."

That's hilarious. I love that.

"Okay. Here's the idea, guys.

"She works in a jewelry store,

"and we call it 'Pearl necklace.'

what do you think?"

You starring in a show about books and reading

is like Tom Cruise starring in a show about vaginas.

All right.

Now...

Now, I will say this, Pam.

I am, seriously, a giant fan of yours,

and we're gonna make fun of you a lot here

but to get to the level you've gotten is true genius.

People cannot help but love you.

People can't help but love you.

You got unbelievable talent, and you're America's sweetheart.

You're a Canadian, but those tits were made in America.

Thank you very much.

Good evening, Pam. What an amazing night for you.

Unfortunately, as you see, I'm stuck here again at work,

but I had to take this moment to tell you

how much you've meant to me over the years.

You graced the cover of "Playboy" a record 11 times,

and you went on to accomplish so much

with nothing but hard work, determination,

and 400ccs of silicone,

proving to women everywhere

that when a girl next door from modest beginnings

just sticks with me,

she can, one day, be the next Pam Anderson.

Well, at least that's what I tell them.

In all seriousness, Pam, may your spirit and drive

continue to inspire women everywhere

to whip out their melons --

Er, I mean, to throw off the chains

of our sexually repressive society.

But I like the chains.

Oh, well, so do I. Well, then it's unanimous.

Tonight, we'll use the chains.

Yay! Yay! Yay!

Pam, I know you love animals,

so I want to apologize

for what I'm about to do to these bunnies.

Good night, and I love you.

We are back with "The Roast of Pamela Anderson."

Everything all right, ladies?

Pam and Courtney have struck up a conversation.

Our next roaster was voted

America's hottest rising comic in 1993.

Still rising.

His chief reason for being here

is to make Greg Giraldo look famous.

You know him from -- oh, who are we kidding? You don't know him.

But he's here so let's make the best of it.

Please say hello to Nick DiPaolo.

How about a hand for Jimmy Kimmel?

Come on, folks. Jimmy the host. Come on.

Apparently, the only thing lower than Jimmy's ratings

is Sarah Silverman's self-esteem.

Or maybe Bea Arthur's voice. Have you talked to Bea Arthur?

She sounds like a fucking pirate with throat polyps.

I just met Bea Arthur a few minutes ago.

She was standing at the urinal next to me.

Love ya, baby.

Courtney Love is here tonight.

Courtney Love was amazing in the movie

"The People vs. Larry Flynt."

She was unbelievable.

She played a white trash psychotic stripper

who was addicted to heroin.

What did you do to prepare for that role?

Follow yourself around for a year?

How about a hand for Eddie Griffin? Come on, folks.

Eddie, I've seen every one of your movies...

In a dumpster.

I don't want to say your films set black people back 50 years,

but when the lowes theater showed "Undercover Brother,"

they made the audience members use separate bathrooms.

Andy dick --

Andy, pick a hole and stick with it.

That's a nice haircut --

You look like the third girl from Bananarama.

Tommy, I saw the video with you and Pam.

I haven't seen a bigger dick on a boat

since I went yachting with Donald Trump.

Dennis Rodman is here.

Dennis Rodman is like the black Tommy Lee

because he's a sex symbol, he's covered in tattoos,

and his career fizzled in '98.

Dennis proves one thing --

It's possible to be cool and illiterate at the same time.

Adam Carolla -- Adam is half hispanic,

which means not only is his last name Carolla,

he was probably conceived in one.

You know who's in the crowd?

Anna Nicole Smith, one of my favorites.

Anna, what are you doing here?

You should be in a nursing home and blowing a guy

with a wheelchair with the most expensive rims.

Let's get to the lady of the evening, please.

This is ironic.

I finally meet the girl of my dreams,

and I'm shitting on you instead of the other way around.

Congratulations on "The Dukes of Hazzard."

You were fucking terrific.

I'm just kidding.

Pam's the perfect physical specimen with that silky skin,

that blond hair, those pouty pink lips,

and that's just her snatch.

Pam's ass is so perfect,

I don't think shit comes out of it.

I think frozen strawberry yogurt comes out of it.

It's in a swirl.

It's got sprinkles on it.

Pam, if you had dysentery,

I'd follow you around for a week with a waffle cone.

And I saw the video of you and Tommy.

Boy, I'll tell you,

I haven't seen a pussy taking a pounding like that

since Clay Aiken lost to Ruben Studdard

on "American Idol."

And, man, Tommy, are you big. He is big, isn't he, Pam?

Pam has taken so many stitches down there,

when she puts in a tampon, it looks like a Raggedy-Ann doll

smoking a cigarette.

And, boy, do you know how to give great head.

But then again, with your acting skills, I guess you have to.

As an actor,

you have the emotional range of Terri Schiavo.

Pam, you know how you say, "Fur is murder"?

Well, so is watching you act.

If I was a baby seal,

and I had a choice between being clubbed to death

or watching an episode of "Stacked,"

I'd be like, "Somebody call J-Lo,

and let her know her mittens are ready."

But let's talk about the show that made you famous

and my dick crooked -- "Baywatch."

I masturbated to that show so many times

I used to pay a homeless guy

to stand next to my TV with a squeegee.

Hey, somebody's got to give

Andy Dick's dad some work, right?

If you only knew how many times that I released in your face.

I thought the only way I was gonna recognize you

is if I just ran into you after you ate a glazed doughnut.

Seriously, Pam -- She's not dumb.

She's a great actress. She's fucking beautiful.

She's the reason every guy gets up in the morning.

I love you to death, Pam.

Thank god you came to the United States.

Thank you.

I have nothing unpleasant or disrespectful

to say about our next performer.

She is a great actress who, for some reason,

has become the punch line

to every joke Jeff Ross has ever told.

She does not have a penis.

She is not the only woman ever to beat Max Schmeling.

She is not so old, they named the letter "b" after her.

She is a national treasure and should be treated as such.

Please welcome the beautiful Bea Arthur.

Thank you so much.

Thank you very much.

You know, everybody loves Pamela Anderson

because she is so beautiful.

I mean, you know her.

She's a "Playboy" sex symbol,

and, of course, many people admire her

for the fabulous work that she's been doing

as an animal rights activist.

But I tell you, I want to honor Pam

for her literary achievements.

Yes, you see, I have just finished reading

her new novel, "Star Struck."

Very, very, very -- It's a terrific book.

The story concerns a blond,

very large-breasted actress

imaginatively named star,

who plays a lifeguard on a hit television show

and she becomes actively involved, romantically,

with a tattooed rocker.

And a videotape that they have made of their sexual escapades

is leaked to the public.

Pam, where do you come up with this shit?

Anyway, I would like to read to you

a couple of my favorite passages from the book.

The first one is page 86.

"Star had seen the ads for female wrestling

"on the flashing sign next to the boobie hatch.

"That's the two pink domes just off highway 1.

"'Will you do it?' Jane asked.

"'Well, okay, but I don't do mud or oil, ' Star sighed,

"a bit overwhelmed.

"'I did a wet t-shirt contest once at the beach,

"'but mud wrestling just seems to be -- I don't know --

A little too low-rent.'"

page 151.

"One night, Adam brought a couple of beers along

"on one of their camp-outs

"and they got a bit drunk.

"Emboldened, Adam showed Star his erection.

"'Come on, touch it, ' he urged.

"'Put that away, ' Star said disgustedly.

"'I don't want anything to do with your wiener.'

"'please, just put your hand around it, ' Adam pleaded.

"'Go to sleep, Adam, ' Star said, turning over.

"'You can borrow my mountain bike for a week, '

"he bargained.

"Star rolled over and looked at him.

"'A month, ' she said.

"'A month?' He asked.

"'No way.'

"'Okay, then.'

"She turned back over with a smile.

"'Good night.'

"'Okay, a month then, ' Adam sighed.

"And so their sexual adventures began.

"Repulsed at first,

"Star quickly became fascinated with the mechanics

"and the hydraulics of it all.

"And the improbable outcome of climax --

"wet and messy,

"as though silly string had shot out of his ear...

...only it wasn't his ear."

Page 230.

"She called her gay friend Billy into her trailer.

"'I need to get your advice about something, '

"Star said tentatively, not sure how to bring it up.

"'My advice?' Billy questioned, suspicious.

"'I do your hair and makeup.'

"'How do you fuck up the ass?' She blurted.

"'All right, ' Billy said, startled.

"'It's called pitcher and catcher.'

"'Oh, that sounds fun, like a game, ' said star.

"'Just get him to go slow at first, '

"Billy forged ahead.

"'Easy in and then wait.

"'Make sure you get in a good reach around

"'and he'll love it if you squeeze your cheeks together,

you know, like you're trying to hold a fart.'"

Pam, Pam -- Or should I say Star --

You've opened up a whole new world for me.

I mean, thank you, sweetheart. God bless.

That was great.

Really brought it to life.

I think we're all thinking the same thing right now --

"thank god Bea Arthur doesn't have a video camera."

You cannot have a roast without our next comic.

But it would be great if, for once, we tried.

He is the Michael Jordan of baseball of roasts

and is literally the only person in this room

Pamela Anderson wouldn't fuck.

Please welcome living proof that Jews run Hollywood,

Jeffrey Ross.

Cold out there tonight.

What, you don't like it?

Down, girl, boy, whatever.

You want to pet it? It's 100% puppy.

Oh. For P.E.T.A., right?

People who eat and torture animals, right?

No?

No, it's not real. It's not real.

We shaved Bea Arthur's back.

Look. I love ya, babe.

I love ya. I love ya.

You look great, babe.

I wouldn't fuck Bea Arthur's dick with Andy Dick's pussy.

Love: I'm gonna beat him up.

Oh, this is a lot of fun, I got to tell you.

Courtney Love, you're like the girl next door

if you happen to live next to a methadone clinic.

Hey, give her a round of applause

for not singing tonight.

How is it possible

that Courtney Love looks worse than Kurt Cobain?

What? You want to fucking pick on me?

Who, are you gonna get help from Pamela "Manderson"?

But, of course, we're not here to talk about your career, Pam.

We're here to talk about your pussy.

Tommy Lee, Kid Rock, Bret Michaels.

Don't you ever fuck anybody with talent?

Right?

You got plastic tits and a tin ear.

You're fucking your way to the middle.

You could marry royalty.

You're fucking Marcus Schenkenberg?

"Who?" Exactly. He's a seat filler.

Pam, just for the record,

I think it's kind of hypocritical

that you care so much about animal rights

since you've been torturing your own beaver for years.

We've all seen the video with Tommy Lee.

Folks, I'm not saying Pam's vagina

is as big as the Lincoln tunnel.

I'm saying it's bigger.

It opened wider than "Revenge of the Sith."

You got to go to MapQuest to find her "g" spot.

Is it true that they give free donkey rides to the bottom?

Do you feel the hush in the room?

I fucking love it.

What is this?

Oh, sorry. What?

We were talking about Scott Baio for a second.

The heroin's in the backstage green room if you need it.

I haven't done that for years, man.

That's such a '90s drug.

Such a '90s drug?

Well, then, what the fuck are you on now?

Tommy Lee's cock is so big, it has an elbow.

Once a year, it sheds its foreskin.

Tommy Lee's cock is bigger

than David Hasselhoff is in Germany.

But, Pam, you're sexier than ever. You really are.

You are!

That's what this is about.

You know, we should roast Anna Nicole next year

because we could do the same jokes.

Plus, fat jokes.

You're very well-behaved tonight.

All right.

Somebody get her a 90-year-old cock to suck on, please.

Pam, it's really been fun roasting somebody

who doesn't get any of the jokes.

You seem very sweet and a good sport.

And if you really want to do something for charity,

you'll give me a hug right now.

Will you, please?

Good stuff so far.

Hey, Pam -- Dave Spade. Sorry I couldn't be there.

I'm videotaping this,

if you haven't figured that out already.

I look around the room,

and I see there's a few people you haven't had sex with.

Not that room.

This room I'm in right now videotaping.

Me and the video guy.

You did? When?

I thought she was in Hawaii.

So I'm the only one?

What's wrong, Pam? Is it 'cause I have a job?

Glad to see Tommy Lee's here tonight.

Apparently P.E.T.A. Stands for

People with Extraordinary Talents for Assholes.

P-E-T-A -- yeah, that works.

Listen, all kidding aside, Tommy Lee has a huge cock.

Last time you fucked him, my ribs hurt for a week.

Way up here.

You know, you have two boys with him.

Sweet kids. I've met them.

They must love having you for a mom.

I'm sure their friends like to come over

for "MILF" and cookies.

Another advantage of being your kid

is that when they go to school, they can say, "oh, yeah?

My dad could beat up your dad... With his dick."

You think that one's dirty?

I see Lisa Lampanelli's there, the queen of mean.

How does someone that looks like that

make fun of Pam Anderson?

That's like a turd making fun of a sunset, all right?

That's nice. I've never met this girl. Hi.

Anyway, I'm kidding.

I'm not sure who you're boning at press time

but I wish you well with him.

Sorry I couldn't be there,

but they're not even paying scale this year.

Bye, honey.

There you go.

Welcome back and good times.

Our next roaster is the only person

who Courtney Love thinks has a problem.

He's the primary reason

that the doughnuts backstage are no longer powdered.

He is a talented man

whom we're gonna miss very much very soon.

Actually, unfortunately,

I'm being told Andy Dick could not be with us tonight.

And in his place, long-time Pamela Anderson plastic surgeon

Dr. Fernando shortcream is here.

Dr. Fernando?

Hello. Testing. Good evening.

My name...

Is Dr. Fernando T. Shortcream.

And for the last 15 years, I've been the plastic surgeon

assigned to Pamela Anderson's breasts.

You're welcome.

I want to apologize, Pam, right away,

because I was brought here

to actually rip you a new one,

since we all know that Tommy ripped the old one,

which, by the way,

I used what was left to make Courtney Love's lips...

Whoo!

...which explains her bad breath.

Seriously.

It smells like ass.

You know, I'll never forget the time Pam came to my office

and said that she wanted me to remove her asshole.

I said, "okay. You married him, okay?

I'm a doctor, not a divorce lawyer."

When Pam told me that Tommy gave her hepatitis C,

I didn't believe it

because I figured the best Tommy could ever hope for

was hepatitis D-minus, at best.

And looky, looky, Elon Gold is here.

No, nobody cares.

Nobody cares.

He's on TV, but we don't watch.

By the way, how is that penile implant working out?

Fantastic, fantastic.

That's great.

'Cause you know, up until you came along,

I've never put one in a butt before.

Oh...

Pam... I've been with you since day one,

and you and I both know that you didn't always look this great.

You didn't' always look like that, Pam, did ya?

You have to remember that when Pam first came to me,

she looked like this.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

I'm sorry, that is not Pamela. I'm gonna kill my assistant.

That's Lisa Lampa-cunty.

Wait, what is your name? Lisa Lampa-dikey?

You know, 'cause I know what's coming.

I know what's coming. She's got something --

You know, I thought this was a roast for Pamela Anderson,

not all of us on stage.

I don't want to hear -- I don't have anal warts...

That I know of.

I can't bend my head back to see.

It itches sometimes, but not more than you.

If it's hot out, your butt itches.

But, seriously, Lisa, if you'd like,

I can work with you, and I'm sure,

with all the modern advances in cosmetic surgery

and the industrial cleansers,

I can possibly upgrade you to this.

Actually, that's quite a simple procedure, Lisa.

We'll shave your ass, and give you a circumcision...

On your very responsive 5 1/2-inch clitoris.

There's been a lot of jokes tonight

about Pamela Anderson's breasts, okay?

But as her breasts' creator,

I'd like to point out

that they're quite stable.

They really are very, very well engineered, okay?

This is all standard procedure.

This is just a clinical adjustment.

These boobs, these are my creation.

These are my creation.

And, by the way, by the way,

this is an excellent hand exercise.

You see how they point straight ahead, a little up,

like they're gonna take out the Hubble telescope?

This is all me. All me.

You could place a glass of wine on one,

and I could personally jump on the other

and the wine would not spill.

No, seriously, guys, seriously, don't worry.

She can't feel any of this.

I can so. You drooled on me.

Hang on. Medical emergency.

Oh, okay. I gotta go.

Nicole Kidman tried to blink and tore her forehead open again.

Out of my way. I am a doctor!

I'm a doctor! Out of my way.

Pam, I've been meaning to tell you --

I actually pitched a story line

to the writers for next season.

In this episode, there's gonna be some big misunderstanding

and I come on your tits.

Wait, Tommy, aren't you supposed to be, like, 100 yards away?

Comedy Central has scheduled within the broadcast

two different boner breaks

to allow the overheated viewer a chance to cool off.

I'm the first one.

Later on, you'll lose your wood to Courtney Love.

Told ya.

Love what you do for the animals.

I don't happen to have animals myself

'cause I wear them.

I eat them.

See, you trying to take chicken out of a black man's hand,

that ain't gonna happen.

African-American -- We love to...

No, I'm a nigger.

African-Americans are different kind of people.

I've been to jail.

I know. We all know you've been to jail.

We all know you should go back.

No one -- and I mean no one --

Has masturbated to Pamela Anderson

more than our next presenter.

In fact, no one has masturbated more than our next presenter.

Critics are calling his new talk show,

"Too Late with Adam Carolla," "D.L. Hughley-esque."

He is here tonight to introduce our musical performance.

Please welcome, my Garfunkel, Adam Carolla.

Thank you. It's great to be here.

Give a hand to Jimmy Kimmel, everybody.

Sarah and him make an awesome couple.

Sarah, it's got to be hard on you

faking the orgasms and the laughter.

Oh, what about Courtney Love? She set a new personal best.

41 minutes before she showed her pussy on stage, everybody.

Not since Cal Jam in 1979

has she had that kind of personal best.

Thank you.

When they asked me to introduce Tommy Lee tonight,

I was thrilled.

Tommy's penis has been a hero of mine

ever since it broke down

the color barrier in '97.

Tommy's penis has come a long way since its humble beginnings

growing up on a small farm in Huge Cockburg.

Tommy may have stopped drinking and doing the drugs,

but his penis still starts every day

with a shot of whiskey and an 8 ball.

So, now we all know about the man's penis,

but there's a little thing I didn't know about the man.

I didn't know he was actually a musician.

Oh, yes.

And his instrument escapes me, but I think it was the cello.

Anyway, here to perform "Good Times,"

please welcome Tommy Lee and his penis.

♪ Put down the magazine and get off the phone ♪

♪ There's a place I wanna show you, and it wont take long ♪

♪ Take a ride ♪

♪ Take a ride ♪

♪ It's looking like we're getting there ♪

♪ Over here, comin' clear ♪

♪ A place that has no lines or times or crimes ♪

♪ Just good times ♪

♪ Just good times ♪

♪ Take me away ♪

♪ To a place ♪

♪ Where the good times, good times roll ♪

♪ Don't let me stay ♪

♪ In a place ♪

♪ Where this hate can steal my soul ♪

♪ Got myself worked up over nothing today ♪

♪ All the trash that's in my head ♪

♪ I gotta throw it away ♪

♪ It's all right ♪

♪ It's all right ♪

♪ It's looking like we're getting there ♪

♪ Over here, comin clear ♪

♪ A place that has no lines or times or crimes ♪

♪ Just good times ♪

♪ Just good times ♪

♪ Take me away ♪

♪ To a place ♪

♪ Where the good times, good times roll ♪

♪ Don't let me stay ♪

♪ In this place ♪

♪ Where this hate can steal my soul ♪

come on.

♪ This is it ♪

♪ I'm finally here ♪

♪ And all the blurry lines are clear ♪

♪ And everything that I can see ♪

♪ Seems to make more sense to me ♪

♪ Why the hell can't I just let it go? ♪

♪ Let it go, yeah ♪

come on.

♪ Take me away ♪

♪ To a place ♪

♪ Where the good times, good times roll ♪

♪ Don't let me stay ♪

♪ In this place ♪

♪ Where this hate can steal my soul ♪

♪ Let the good times roll ♪

♪ Take it away ♪ ♪ Let the good times roll ♪

♪ Take it away ♪ ♪ Let the good times roll ♪

♪ Let the good times roll ♪

yeah!

Woman: There you go, kitty.

Hit it.

♪ Blockin', boppin', beat nonstoppin' ♪

♪ Jumpin' up and down till the neighbors start stalkin' ♪

♪ Rainin', wailin', I ain't complainin' ♪

♪ Can't bring me down with the beats I'm playin' with ♪

Yeah. Come on, everybody.

♪ We got it going on ♪

♪ Go, go, go, go, go, go ♪

♪ We got it going on ♪

♪ Ho, ho ♪

♪ Ho, ho ♪

♪ We got it going on ♪

Kimmel: Wow.

Even Pamela Anderson's cats fuck on videotape.

Pam, Scott Baio just called.

He wants to know if he left a jean jacket in your vagina.

Oh, Jimmy, don't be mean.

I'm sorry.

If Anna Nicole Smith played the guitar, our next presenter

would be getting quite a run for her money.

Love-Cobain: Shut up, Jimmy.

She's here tonight on loan

from the L.A. county Sheriff's Department.

Jimmy, stop it.

The fact that she has chosen to attend this event

is further proof that she is a danger

to both herself and others, but don't worry.

She slipped herself a roofie before the show.

We should be fine. Maybe not.

Cover your heads, hide the mike stands, for Courtney Love.

Jimmy Kimmel has a lot of balls for sticking up for me all year

and being really nice to me

even after I got carted away to Bellevue.

And before I even start this, I want to say that

I never saw the Tommy Lee and Pam video

because I thought it was bad Karma to watch that.

Yes! You know. Okay.

I'm not really a comic, you know.

I'm a smoker.

I've been clean and sober for a year,

so all these drug yokes -- Jokes are retarded.

"Yokes." Jokes.

I'm wondering, why am I here? Why am I here?

It was a nice change from the usual sort of...

"Where am I?"

You know, last year, when I was being carted off to Bellevue,

I was sort of above myself looking down,

and all I could think looking on the gurney was,

"Pam would look so much better in this straitjacket than me."

I'm feeling a relapse.

Where's that Eddie Griffin guy? He was funny.

You know, you African-Americans only know about me

'cause I've been arrested.

Me and Pam both have really wild reputations.

As a matter of fact, last week I was handcuffed.

I was maced. I was locked in a cell.

I was sodomized without a condom.

And just my luck, I lost the guy's number.

So, okay, I don't know that this is true,

but it's been said on television,

it's been said in "Rolling Stone."

It's about both of us.

Apparently, me and Pam both have a reputation

for being the best fucks in the entire world...

'Cause we give it all.

The only...

For instance, Pam is a girl that you want to fuck

and tell all your friends about

and I'm the girl that you want to fuck

and you refuse to tell any of your friends about

and then go see the doctor.

Um...

And Pam's my real friend.

This isn't, like, a joke roast. I'm here giving my rock cred --

My knock-on-wood,

never-had-a-bad-review rock cred to Pam Anderson

because I actually totally love her.

And we are really, really close,

and Pam and I have our differences.

She falls in love with musicians.

I fall in love with good musicians.

But no matter how much we disagree,

I can't stay mad at her.

The other day she sat on my sunglasses,

and she broke them.

But it was my fault. I was wearing them at the time.

And when it comes to drugs,

you know, me and Pam are total opposites.

I have to pay for mine.

Speaking of drugs, hi, Tommy Lee,

you goddamn professional.

Let me stand here and pretend

that we have never slept together.

I want to clear something up about Pamela Anderson.

She is not just a bimbo who has sex with rock "stars."

She also has sex with big, huge movie producers

who tell her they're gonna put her in their movies,

and then they don't.

We're gonna go goth.

Get a fucking Betty page haircut, right?

Date Marilyn Manson -- I'm gonna totally make you read

like Elroy, right?

I'm gonna shut up. All right.

Pam, I think you have a lot of depth.

I think you're really deep,

because even though I didn't see the video,

I have seen pictures of Tommy Lee's cock.

It's like -- It went, like, here --

It's, like --

How do you take that with that Barbie pussy?

No, I never saw the video! I swear to god!

Pam, I've got a great idea.

I'm gonna teach you to be a rock star.

Seriously, I want you to cut your little perfect nails

and learn the three essential punk rock chords on your guitar

and you can teach me how to sit on Hugh Hefner's lap

and call him "daddy" without puking.

Am I gonna get to that point, Pam?

Give it up for Kirstie Alley, everybody.

Yeah, Kirstie Alley.

Okay, here's something you don't know about Pam Anderson.

Her father was actually Mensa level.

He had an IQ of 160.

He also had big huge man tits,

and you can figure out what she inherited, right?

Pam, the truth is I love you, really, a lot.

I really do.

And I want to protect you

from all these evil fucking stand-up guys

that are trying to make their goddamn name making fun of you.

Fuck them.

All right.

You know what my favorite thing about you is?

Other than your tits and your ass and your thighs

and your cheeks and your teeth and your hair,

you're so fucking real.

I love you, Pamela. I really do.

All right, that was my comedy debut.

Satan.

Courtney has asked me to invite everyone

to the intervention after the show.

I'm clean and sober for a year!

I hope that's not true

because if you're not on drugs, you've got problems.

Nicely done, though.

Our next performer is where I put my penis

when I'm thinking about Pamela Anderson.

She is one of only two people in this room

who have given me a blowjob.

That's right, I'm talking to you Carolla.

She is one of the hairiest women on the planet.

She is the Zira to my Cornelius.

Please say hello to the apple of my eye

and the plum in my anus, Sarah Silverman.

Sarah... We love you.

Do it for Frances Bean, please.

You can do the right thing.

You know what?

I'm not gonna make fun of Jimmy this year

because I don't want him to withhold his tiny penis from me.

That's so hacky. He doesn't have a tiny penis.

It looks small next to his gigantic balls.

I'm a ball man.

You know how like...

You know how a smell can just

totally take you back to a place?

The other day, I went into an elevator,

and it smelled just like the hallway of my high school.

Jimmy's balls smell exactly like my Nana's house...

They smell like lemons!

...Benson and Hedges deluxe ultra lights and brisket.

God, I miss her.

I don't know. Maybe it's the other way around.

Maybe my Nana's house all these years

has smelled like Jimmy's balls.

Maybe that's how you know it's the one.

I'll never forget the first time I saw Jimmy's balls.

They were on Adam Carolla's chin.

You know, before I met Adam, I really...

I prejudged him, you know?

And knowing him now, it's just I was totally wrong about him.

He's such a special guy. He's got such a depth to him.

He has passions, such as shitting,

lighting farts, music, smelling farts.

And he actually has a really big penis.

I've never seen it before,

but Jimmy says it feels like 10 inches.

Jeff Ross is here.

Pam, I don't know if you know this, but Jeff is actually

best friends with one of your costars, Elon Gold.

Their noses went to Hebrew school together.

Who else is here? Andy Dick.

Andy!

Love-Cobain: Stay sober!

Here's to it.

Andy is an inspiration to me.

His body actually turns cocaine into riboflavin.

A lot of people make jokes about Andy being gay.

I came here to tell you Andy is definitely straight.

He just asked out Katie Holmes.

Everybody's doing jokes about Bea Arthur has a penis.

It's so mean, and I happen to know for a fact

that she doesn't have a penis.

She has a vagina, okay?

She has a big, floppety, sloppy,

bushy, wiry, gray vagina.

Which reminds me, Courtney Love is here, who I love.

Trying to steal your boyfriend.

I know. It's okay. It's weird.

I was curious to see which Courtney love was gonna show up.

The smeared-lipstick crazy coke whore,

or the violent smeared-lipstick crazy coke whore.

Wow.

No, I'm so glad she's here.

I left my crack in my other purse.

I don't do that anymore, Sarah!

I swear to god, it's been a year.

You got it, doll.

But we're here for Pam.

Let's talk about the woman of the hour, Pam Anderson.

Wow!

Now, I don't really know Pam personally,

but I'll never forget the first time I saw her asshole.

I knew she had that special something.

I couldn't put my finger in it.

She's gorgeous, of course.

But even she'll admit that it takes work.

She literally spends hours

primping and waxing and bleaching.

But enough about her asshole.

Let's talk about...

...say, her vagina.

It's the only way you can tell a woman's true hair color,

and lucky for you, I actually caught a glimpse of it

backstage while she was changing,

and her true hair color?

Bald.

Totally bald.

Pam's got two gorgeous sons.

They're actually the only two guys

that have ever come out of Pam.

A lot of people say,

"Oh, Pam Anderson wouldn't be anyone without her tits."

And that is just not true. It's not true.

She'd be Paris Hilton.

I actually -- oh.

I actually did a guest role on "VIP."

It was a lot of fun, and we were shooting on the beach one day,

and in between takes, she ran up to me,

and she was like, "Oh, my god, Sarah!

Quick, pee on me!"

And I was like, "Oh, my god!

Did you get stung by a jellyfish?"

And she said, "What's a jellyfish?"

Pam, who is an amazing, special,

gorgeous, and kind person

who's only here because of a huge donation

that comedy central agreed to give to P.E.T.A.,

where she works.

And she's amazing, especially her work

with the one-eyed trouser snake,

which she did a few years ago.

She actually...

She made a video, actually,

where she cradled it in her arms

and actually nursed it back to life...

With her mouth.

All that...

And she still has time to suck Tommy Lee's cock

on a yacht in St. Barths.

God bless you, Pamela. And happy birthday, America.

What can you say about our next presenter

that hasn't already been said about Bea Arthur?

The vein in his penis

is bigger than my penis.

If you've ever fucked Pamela Anderson

and didn't feel a thing, he is the man to thank.

He is the drummer from Warrant or maybe Dokken.

I'm not sure which really.

Here he is, Tommy Lee.

Can I get a big "Hell, yeah" for Pamela?

Hi, baby.

You know what?

This has been absolutely fucking incredible.

And if I've learned one thing

is that all comedians have small dicks.

That's right. It's true.

Yeah, well...

No, that's not true.

You do?

You've seen it.

Let me see. That's small, dude.

Compared to you.

With a name like Andy Dick, it should be a lot bigger.

All right, well, yeah. Whatever, yeah.

Okay, so I got a big one. What do you expect?

Stand up...

I mean, who else could get a woman like Pamela Anderson?

Duh? And I thought I was dumb.

Stand up, Tommy. You don't have to lean.

But I like to lean. I like to get close to it.

Really close to it.

Okay, actually, Jimmy Kimmel came up to me backstage,

and he asked me what it was like to have slept with Pam.

And I said, "Well, it must be like

the feeling that a comedian gets when you get a huge laugh."

And Jimmy said, "Could you be more specific?"

And Courtney Love, god, it's so great to see you...

Without a hospital gown and restraints on.

And, god, Courtney can really rock the house --

Or at least throw rocks at the house

at 3:00 in the morning, drunk off her ass

until the cops take her away in handcuffs.

Oh, god.

Speaking of people I met in rehab,

Dennis Rodman's here tonight.

Give it up.

The only guy on the earth

with more rebounds than me and Pam.

Okay.

Now for the real reason I came here tonight --

To honor my beautiful, talented, compassionate blond ex-wife.

Unfortunately, Heather Locklear couldn't be here tonight.

So let's make fun of Pamela instead, okay?

Okay.

This is actually a special time for Pam to be here

because she just turned 38 and her tits just turned 14.

Pam, I'll always remember the very first time that we met.

It was at a club in Los Angeles.

You spotted me from across the room.

You walked up to me,

and you said those magical five words.

"I will fuck any drummer."

Pam and I shared one of history's greatest romances.

It's like that book... Um...

Uh...

Who am I kidding? I've never read a book.

I can barely read my fucking tattoos.

Okay.

Well, you can't imagine what it's like

coming home to Pam every night.

I mean, unless you own an inflatable doll

that nags and pays for your piercings.

I'm kidding, baby. I'm so kidding.

Pam is the sweetest person alive.

I mean, look how much she loves animals.

The closest thing I've ever seen her come to animal cruelty

was the time she shaved her pussy.

She's always doing cool stuff to spice up our love life

like the trapeze she installed in our bedroom.

To this day, I cannot go to a circus without getting a boner.

Honestly, I can't go anywhere without getting a boner.

Like I said, Pam, we've had our ups and downs --

Mostly in bed --

But I'll make you a deal tonight, okay?

I'll forgive you for Kid Rock,

if you forgive me for the stripper in Detroit,

the twins in Grand Rapids,

the blonde from the House of Blues,

the brunette from the House of Blues,

and the redhead I'm meeting later tonight.

And, of course, Bea Arthur.

Okay, Pam, before I leave,

I just wanted to say, you've always been there for me,

and your spirit and kindness is an inspiration to me.

Like I said 500,000 times on that damn sex tape,

I fucking love you, baby.

Kimmel: On this channel on September 10th,

our final roaster tonight has a one-woman show about divorce,

dieting, and dating black people --

By choice, not because she has to because she's fat.

It is called,

"I would rather suck my grandfather's balls

than watch it."

She is the reason why Italian men beat their wives.

Please welcome Lisa Lampanelli.

Come on.

Clap for fat and untalented. Come on.

Let them hear it. Clap for Jimmy.

Doing a great job all night, and big hand for me

having to follow this bunch of "Surreal Life" wannabes.

Come on, fuckers, clap.

I gotta go last. I'm not famous yet.

Suck my cock.

But back to our host,

the soon-to-be-canceled Jimmy Kimmel.

Come on. Nobody watches that piece-of-crap show.

A horse shitting on a parade route

has a bigger following than Jimmy Kimmel.

Hitler got more laughs than Jimmy Kimmel,

and he did it without Jewish writers.

Tom cruise watched it and went on antidepressants.

What a dais we have tonight, folks.

We've got a drag queen, a pervert, and a drug addict,

and I'm only talking about Andy Dick.

Andy Dick... What a fruity bastard.

I'm not saying Andy Dick is gay,

but I will say he's been known

to guess the flavor of a popsicle just by sitting on it.

But don't get me wrong. I love gay guys.

If it wasn't for these fags,

us fat chicks would have no friends.

But enough about that pickle kisser.

And Courtney Love, what a legend.

I love Courtney.

Courtney Love's band was called "Hole."

Hole -- Not "whole" as in "complete,"

but "Hole" as in "dirty, stinky pussy."

What a whore Courtney is.

She would suck a dick for a diet.

Don't worry, honey.

I do it just for the taste of it.

I see Eddie Griffin is here tonight.

I don't know much about you, Eddie,

but I do know I love your brothers, Damon and Marlon.

But you know me, Eddie. I love the black man.

I'm a white girl with a big ass.

I've had more black dick in me than a urinal at the Apollo.

I've banged so many black guys, I'm getting ashy.

Eddie Griffin and Dennis Rodman, the only two blacks on the dais.

I understand why comedy central only had two of youse here --

Any more and there'd be a shooting.

But enough about the coloreds.

We're here tonight

to celebrate the career of the most famous woman in the world,

Pamela Anderson.

Pam Anderson...

Is a legend.

She has dated Scott Baio, the singer from Poison,

and the drummer from Motley Crue.

Her life story should be a show on VH1

called "I Fucked the '80s."

Pam, you are all woman,

but how did you physically have sex with Tommy Lee?

He has a huge schlong.

If he put that thing in front my face,

I wouldn't know whether I should suck it or feed it a peanut.

But I'm gonna be honest. I'm sitting up here tonight.

And I'm not comfortable with all these people

taking shots at Pam Anderson.

We on this dais are no one to make fun of this woman.

I ask you, can any of you done what she's done?

No!

Would "Baywatch" have been number one

if it were Jimmy Kimmel's boobs jiggling in slow motion?

No.

Jimmy can't get anyone to watch his show now

and they jiggle at regular speed.

Could Adam Carolla have made David Hasselhoff rich

just by wearing a bathing suit?

Of course not.

No one wants to see his furry nut sack in a speedo.

It would look like a squirrel

fighting its way out of a crown royal bag.

I'm not done.

And that sex video --

No one on this dais could have done that.

If Andy Dick would have blown Tommy Lee on screen,

would it have made millions?

No.

Andy Dick has blown thousands of men,

and he hasn't made enough money to pay for his vagina surgery.

But all jokes aside, Pam,

seriously, I'd like to thank you

for giving me the opportunity to make fun of you tonight.

I think the reason the world loves you so much

is that you are beautiful and famous,

yet you still treat everyone you meet with kindness and respect.

As a woman not nearly as famous or as beautiful,

let me say from the bottom of my heart,

knock it off, bitch,

you're making me look like a foul-mouthed cunt.

Thank you, guys.

Kimmel: And now, ladies and gentlemen,

a woman who has endured an enormous amount of abuse tonight

all to support her favorite charity.

She has been working with P.E.T.A. Since 1989,

the day her gynecologist

discovered a family of spotted owls

living in her enormous vagina.

In all honesty, she's a real sport, and god bless her.

She really knows how to suck a penis.

Please welcome our guest of honor,

the one and only Pamela Anderson.

All right.

Fuck off.

Thank you.

This has been fun.

I have to set the record straight, though.

For the record, I do have a tight pussy.

Right, Tommy?

Anyway, it doesn't matter.

Okay. First of all, I want to thank Jimmy Kimmel for hosting.

He's been great. He's been so great.

But then again, as a member of P.E.T.A.,

I love anything with beady eyes

that can be trained to shit in a box.

As you can imagine,

it's been very uncomfortable up here for me,

at least, these last 90 minutes

because this is actually

the longest I've ever been in clothes.

There's been a lot of talk about all the guys I've had sex with,

a lot of whom couldn't be here tonight

because the Staples Center wasn't available.

I want to thank Jimmy, Adam, Greg, Nick, Andy,

and everyone else in the room that Sarah Silverman has fucked.

Eddie Griffin, I would love to have thanked you, too,

but I'm told Sarah only blew you.

I guess that last commercial break

was shorter than she expected.

I do what I can.

Funny stuff.

Lady bunny, I always knew you were crazy,

but in that skirt, I can clearly see you're nuts.

Well, I can't believe my friend Courtney Love is here

doing stand-up comedy.

This is great.

I knew she could do comedy.

I just didn't know she could stand up.

I mean, she and I have been friends for years.

She remembers -- one of them.

Actually, Nick DiPaolo came up to me backstage

and told me he was a huge Hole fan.

So I introduced him to Lisa Lampanelli.

Ross: You go, girl.

Andy, I want to thank you for your hilarious doctor sketch.

I know how nauseous it makes you to touch a woman.

Oh, you know what? I forgot Greg Giraldo.

But so have the rest of you.

Is my shirt see-through? Darn it.

Oh, damn.

Not again.

Underdressed again.

Okay, no one tell.

Bea, I want to thank you for reading my book.

My publicist was right.

It does sound much sexier in a man's voice.

Oh, my boobs are so out there. Sorry.

Thank god this is Comedy Central.

Yeah, it's all right. It's okay.

Yeah. It's all right. Okay.

Okay, yes, we've all heard all night how Tommy's well-endowed,

but he's also very charming.

Tommy, I remember when we met you had the best pick-up line.

You said, "I'm very well endowed and charming."

I remember the first time I saw Tommy's penis,

I was speechless, until my throat healed.

Tommy, you and I were together for three years

and through it all, I can honestly say

those were the happiest years of your life.

Okay, I've had a great time tonight,

but I have to say, the reason I went through this

was to benefit the P.E.T.A. Organization.

I want to thank them for all their incredible work,

and I want to thank everyone here tonight.

And none of this would have been possible

without my two dear friends, Poncho and Lefty.

Good night, everybody. Thanks.

Ooh! Jesus Christ!

Let's jump Pam. Come here.

I want to thank everyone for coming tonight.

Call the police! Good night.

Bye!