Original subtitles

[cooing]

[Carol] Cardi, what the fuck you doing? It's 5:00 in the morning.

[sniffs] I got up to check on him. He's getting worse.

It's his breathing.

I've had him a long time, Carol. I know, know when he's not well…

Well, will I call the vet?

What are they gonna do?

S-stick a needle in him like they did with Weasel when I was six?

Ah, now. You said yourself, the Weasel had the… the mange,

and the cataracts and the diabetes and that, the weeping cyst.

Yeah, but they still took him away from me, didn't they?

They took him away and they killed him.

Ah…

["Money (That's What I Want)" playing]

[Carol singing in Gaelic]

[speaks Gaelic]

…something like that.

On this very sad occasion, let us stop and reflect on Nigel's life.

Let's take a moment to remember him the best way that we know how.

Look what fucking Cardi brought in!

["The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face" playing]

He's been with me for the last three hours.

- Hey, give him a kiss! - I don't want to.

- Kiss Nigel on his beak. - I don't want to.

- Well done, you. Mwah! - Look, he's shat on you now.

Well, it's a horse and that's what horses do.

Oh, you dirty… Nigel!

This is Nigel, the brains of the operation.

♪ Rose in your eyes ♪

Just me and you. And your little friend.

You've scared him now!

[cheering]

Bloody hell, who's done that to Nigel? He looks fucking ace!

♪ Were the gifts you gave… ♪

[whispers] I never liked him anyway. He had a meanness in his face.

- Will you shut the fuck up, Jim. - Just saying!

They used to carry messages during the War.

- You don't know who's side they're on! - Wheesht!

Now, before we do lay Nigel down into the ground,

Cardi, would like to say a few words?

Yeah. Erm…

I found this…

er, on, er… on the Internet.

It's, erm, not… I, not my…

I didn't, mmm… It's my feelings that I want to…

How I feel. It's a poem.

- [Erin] Okay. - [Tommo] Kill me now.

[reading] "I will give you a big hug anytime…

because you call me friend…"

- Cardi, Cardi? - "I'll wipe away your tears, 'cause you…"

- What? - [Vinnie] Sorry, man.

Just come over here to us a minute, will you?

- Fucking Davey! Christ. - [Ash] The fuck do they want?

It's all right. Sorry, sweetheart. Fucking Davey.

[Davey] What's going on here, then?

We're having a private gathering, saying bye to a close friend of ours.

You burying a pigeon?

- Yeah. - Mmm-hmm.

And we're halfway through a eulogy, so…

- Is it in that coffin? - Yeah.

Please don't touch him!

- It's all right, Cardi. - Tiny, in't it?

- What did it die of? - Canker.

- Cancer? - Canker!

It's an ulcer thing that the birds do get.

- Davey, come on… - Please, just… He's my friend, man!

Davey. Davey, please don't.

- Oh, God! - No, man…

MacDonagh, put the coffin down.

Or you'll do what?

Just come on. 'Ere.

- [thud] - Whoopsy!

You bastard!

- [yelps] - You fucking bastard!

- Sugar! - Leave it, Barry. It's all right.

- Come on. - All right.

[Davey] That was interesting.

I didn't know you had it in you. That's gonna leave a mark, that.

Well, this seems to have descended.

What's with that face, Dylan?

Nothing.

Looking at me like I'm dog shit on the bottom of your shoe.

Yeah. Because you pushed over a woman.

Standing up for your girl, I admire that.

But you come at me again, garage boy,

you're gonna be fixing cars with ten broken pinkies.

Vincent, call me tomorrow.

Important business.

Enjoy your feather-ish funeral.

[car engine starts]

- JJ, are you all right? - Yeah. Yeah, I'm good, man.

Listen, I'm sorry, guys, okay? I was just a bit scared.

In case he hurt our baby.

[Carol gasps]

Oh! Oh! [chuckles]

[Tommo] Fucking hell! Fucking hell, man!

[laughter]

["What A Wonderful Thing Love Is" playing]

♪ Oh, what a wonderful thing… ♪

- [belching] - [indistinct chatter]

Won't be having one of these for a while.

[Ash] Come here, JJ! You finally…

finally slipped one past the goalkeeper, didn't you?

- Are you nervous about it? - Yeah, man. Nervous, excited.

It's all a bit new to us, innit?

I'm excited, but it's early days, though. Don't want to tempt fate.

- Congratulations to you both. - Yeah.

Mate, you're gonna be the most amazing mum!

She might not. Big responsibility, kids.

You wipe their arse as babies, and then when they get older,

they don't wanna know you.

Won't visit in case you embarrass them in front of friends.

I got my arse out once, for a joke!

It was fucking Christmas. I was wearing a fucking Santa hat

and dancing around to "Holly Jolly Christmas" by Michael fucking Bublé.

I mean, anyone can see that that's a joke!

I had tinsel in me pubes, for fuck's sake!

[Carol] Oh, Jesus.

[chuckling]

[Dylan] This can't go on, dude. This MacDonaghs stuff…

It's as… it's as bad as dealing with McCann.

That could have turned nasty out there with JJ, very nasty indeed.

Well, I mean, we need to break away, obviously, don't we?

- Yeah, how we gonna do that? - They're the ones who sell the weed.

I've had a bit of an idea.

We can't tell the others.

I think us three need to go out, have a bit of a trip tomorrow.

[Tommo] Trip? Where to?

Manolito.

And this time, if he thinks I'm getting in that jacuzzi,

he'll be very much mistaken.

[Manolito] Tell me, what do you want?

Well, we've just come… to apologise again,

just for this exotic zoo heist, ridiculous fucking situation.

It was a debacle and we're sorry. All right? Feel guilty about it.

Wouldn't blame you for not trusting us either.

I really fucking mean that.

I really do mean that.

You know, I… I've come here today…

with an open… hand.

You know, of… of recon, er…

- Reconciliation. - Yeah, dude! For real.

Reconciliation. All right? It's a business deal

that'll benefit yourself and it will also benefit us.

Okay. Like Dumbo the elephant, I'm all ears.

Look, the way we see it, yeah? You're the man who sells the weed,

and you've got an online empire, you're doing very well.

- [Vinnie] Very well. - And we're the growers.

And you said so yourself, dude.

- We provide you with an excellent product. - Hmm. Superb plant. It is superb!

Thank you. We are known locally as the "wizards of weed".

Look.

You… You sell it, all right? And you sell it fucking well.

We grow it, and we grow it well, so just tell me where

the MacDonaghs fit in, what do they actually do?

- How do you mean? - They… They're just the bridge.

They're just a bridge between you and us.

- [Vinnie] Even if we just fuck the bridge. - [Tommo] Fuck the bridge.

- Fuck the bridge! - Fuck it.

Right up its bridge arsehole.

You know, what if we all just realised...

That there was no need for a bridge because there was, in fact,

a lovely little country lane. With a pub.

- And what's that? A delightful duck pond. - Nice!

So we lose the bridge and make more money?

- Oh, dude, a lot! - A lot, lot of money.

- They would not be happy. - Depends what you tell 'em, don't it?

Just say, you know, "I've changed suppliers."

"Ergo, I've no more need for your product." Badaboom!

Eh… Sorry, gentlemen. I'm an honourable man.

I have business arrangement with the MacDonagh brothers

I cannot renege on. Johnathan, bring the robes!

[phone ringing]

[Jim] Cheers, Doc.

Oi, what the fuck are you doing here?

Nosey shot the crow.

Oh, is it private, like an old-man-bumhole thing?

As a matter of fact, it is private.

- I come for some Viagra, on prescription. - Oh?

- Shit! - Listen, for fuck's sake.

What are you getting Viagra for, man? You ain't shagging anyone!

- I'm not shagging anyone. - [receptionist] Vincent O'Neill?

- So what d'you want it for, then? - I like the feeling…

- When I'm in the bath, or lay on the bed. - Sound.

- I've a massive stork on. - All right, weird.

- I don't pull it! - I don't care.

It just stands there, like Nelson's Column, for hours.

Right.

I'm off home for a bath, Vin. See you later!

I'm just so sorry, love. Fuck me! Awful man.

- Cancer? - Canker.

- "Canker"? - Canker.

Sounds like "cancer" … [high-pitched] in a baby voice.

No, it kills pigeons, and he's fucking heartbroken now.

You know, he's going through all the stages of grief.

- First, it was denial… - I don't think he's really dead.

I think his spirit will live on in this flat!

- And then it was anger… - [yelling]

For God's sake!

And I forgot the third one.

- Bargaining. - Barg… No!

Fucking self-disgust it was, I think.

[belches] I killed him.

'Cause I couldn't look after him, 'cause I'm a lazy, disgusting slob!

Don't think that's an official stage, is it?

Well, either way, he's fuckin' heartbroken, lost his best mate.

- I'm gonna have to snap him out of it. - Well, I don't know.

Grief takes a while, it ripples on for months, sometimes years.

Why don't you just treat it like a dead goldfish,

just flush him down the bog and get a new one?

You can't flush a fucking pigeon down a toilet.

You know. What you saying just replace him?

No, not a replacement, more of a sequel, "son of Nigel".

Tell him there's a family connection, tell him it's his cousin or something.

It's lying to him, though, innit? Know what I mean?

It's a white lie, to make him feel better.

All right, so what? Like, a… reincarnation situation.

- Of a pigeon? - Too much, innit?

- No, I'd stick to the family connection. - All right.

I think I treat someone who breeds pigeons.

- Shall I fetch his number up? - Fucking yes! Yeah, definitely.

Yeah, this is him. Marlon Clegg.

- Ooh. - Also known as "Drill Bit".

- What do you call him Drill Bit for? - 'Cause he's a small, boring tool.

Ah! [laughs]

Now, listen, we all have to stay very, very quiet now.

Because there is a very special individual on this fuck truck.

All right? So, let's have a really quiet drumroll.

- Drum roll. - Quiet drumroll.

Very quiet, very quiet!

And the reveal…

[vocalises]

Oh.

It's not Nigel.

- No, it's not Nigel. - It's never gonna be Nigel.

No, it's not Nigel, but I want you to listen to me now,

'cause this is really important, this.

This is a life lesson for all of us, yeah?

This…

is the next generation of pidge.

You know, it's… He's new and improved.

It's like the fucking, erm…

- Circle of life. The circle, yeah. - [Vinnie] The circle of life.

You've got antelope, they're scoffing up all the grass.

They crap that out. More grass grows, more antelope, er…

Look, listen, listen. Right.

One day, the sun is gonna set on all of us.

- [Vinnie] Mmm. - Yeah? And our bodies become the earth.

And new life springs…

- [Vinnie] That's true. - Yeah?

Now, this little fella's life is just beginning, Cardi.

And… and Nigel, yeah?

Nigel would want him to… flourish.

- Take him to church. - Take him to church!

- That's so beautiful. - Amen!

Come on, look at his little face there. Look at the lad.

Have a quick look.

All wrapped up, like a cheeky little pasty there!

- [laughs] - [Tommo] Like a lovely burrito.

[Vinnie] Dude. I mean, come 'ed, man. He's gorgeous. Kiss his face.

- Hiya! - [Vinnie] Kiss his nervous…

- [Tommo] Bit sexual! - Oh, he loves you.

I'll call him Alan.

You shan't call him Alan. You shan't call him Alan.

It's always a terrible name, dude. It sounds like a fucking…

manager at a mid-sized Netto. It really does.

It's all right, Alan. Ignore them.

- [cooing] - Hello, Alan.

["Ethanopium" playing]

Bloody hell!

- [Tommo] Lovely number. - What can we do for you?

- I'm here strictly for business. - [Tommo] Hmm.

He is big boy, no?

His dick is so big, it's a medical mystery.

Face melter.

[laughs]

[music fades]

So, I have been thinking about your offer.

It kept me up late last night. I was tossing and turning in bed.

And at 3:00 a.m., I get up,

I make myself an omelette, and I make myself the decision.

- Hmm. - Classy.

You are right. They are terrible people. We cut them out.

- But on one condition. - Mmm-hmm.

Davey has some, er, photography of me.

- Here we go. - There was a birthday party, in a hotel.

I was a little drunk. I got a little carried away.

I happen to know he keeps them on a laptop in his home office

and on an external hard drive. But don't worry, he is not technical.

He does not keep them on the cloud.

He thinks the cloud is where the rain comes from.

He doesn't even know how to PDF a file.

And your friends, clearly excellent thieves…

You get those items back and I cut those bastards off forever.

Now if Davey finds out that we've been in his gaff…

- He'll fucking kill us all. - Balls off. [clears throat]

There is risk, of course,

but in the words of the great bearded one, Noel Edmonds,

it's deal or no deal.

[music resumes briefly]

- Noel Edmonds. - I didn't see that coming.

- I didn't. - [music fades]

Right, so we're gonna break into the MacDonaghs?

- [Erin] Are you insane? - No! It's a good idea.

And it's not the MacDonaghs.

They don't live together like Bert and fucking Ernie.

We're breaking into Davey's house.

They slept in the same bed, them two, Bert and Ernie.

- I'm just saying. - Just saying what?

Just saying they, they shared a bed.

- Ernie was always in them rainbow tops. - All right.

Oh, right, yeah, Bert and Ernie. Yeah, they're gay.

While where at it, Big Bird, I'd say bisexual.

And Cookie Monster, putting it out there,

cum-hungry fuck pig! [laughter]

[Dylan] And once again, we seem to have gone wildly off topic,

from getting ourselves murdered to fucking puppets.

What the fuck is wrong with you now, Dylan?

I just… Getting into bed with people like this…

Like we have done in the hope of getting rich, dude…

One of us is gonna get killed. They're dangerous people.

Look how they hunted down Jihan.

They're not just gonna let us walk away from this.

Yeah, Dylan's right. I mean, first McCann, now these guys.

- It's fucking… It is dangerous. - It is.

I don't like… Look, I'm fucking shitting it too.

I'm not happy about this situation. Listen to me.

If we're not in business with 'em, we're no fucking use to 'em, are we?

[Tommo] Yeah. Well, all right. Let's just do it, then.

Yeah.

- JJ, you have the floor. - Okay, yeah! Plan.

Right, so we went to look at the house yesterday.

It's actually a big house. It's massive, it's nice.

It's got a full-on alarm system, not gonna lie.

But low front gate and side access.

If I take you upstairs, at the back, there is a window.

I'm thinking it's leading to like a bedroom-bathroom situation.

So if we can get up there and penetrate all the upper floors,

that's our way in.

How are we supposed to get up there?

- Cleaners, window cleaners. - Window cleaners, yeah!

- Got all the gear. - Great big letters!

What happens when the alarm goes off when you go in the property?

[JJ] A-ha! So, from where we're sat in the van,

I can just about see the alarm code panel, so I'm thinking…

- Fucking hell! - …we film him when he leaves the house.

I will then enlarge the image,

- and I'll be able to see the four digits. - Okay.

This guy. This fucker. It's a genius, id…

That child will be a child genius.

One problem. We need to know when the fucker's leaving the house.

Because he needs to be gone for, like, what? At least an hour.

We need to figure out a way of bugging his phone,

or decoding his, er, language.

What? Well, there's no way of doing that.

You can't install a bugging device unless you've got access to the house.

- Catch-22. - It is that.

- Is it? - Yeah.

- Catch-23? - It's not, it's a catch-22.

- You got it the first time. - You had it.

I've got it! Teddy cam.

Right, I've been looking for things for babies online.

There… there's mountains of stuff, it's ridiculous.

- But there's this thing, teddy cam. - What is it?

So, like, it's to keep an eye on little kids

when you're not in the room, or babysitters while you're out.

It's got sound and vision,

and it can record for, like, three days before the battery goes.

Now that is an excellent idea, Sugar.

It really is, and listen, I respect you, both as a friend

and latterly, as a woman in your own right, but…

he's a grown man, he won't want a fucking teddy, will he?

No, but if we send him one, he's not gonna chuck it in the bin, is he?

[doorbell rings]

- Ooh, ooh! - Shit! What's he thinking?

"From you know who…"

He's checking, checking it out. Jesus Christ!

Guys, if we get caught,

he fucking works this out, we're just screwed.

He likes it…

Oh, he's kissing it!

Fuckin' smooching it up. We're in here!

- We'll put you here. - Can't be missing a fucking thing.

There's gotta be someone behind this screen at all times, right?

We need an hour, preferably a little bit more, if we can.

Yeah? So, it's just action stations.

- [phone beeping] - Ready Eddie. Oi…

- Oi! - Yeah?

The fuck did I just say, then, dude?

Er, you're saying, erm, that it's shift work.

Have someone behind the screen at all times.

Ready to go at a moment's notice, high alert, ready Eddie.

Nailed it.

- I've been keeping notes. - Have ya?

["I Want My Minutes Back" playing]

- Jessica. Or Jess? - Yeah.

- Emily, Emily's cute. - I like Emily.

Aw! Fuck me.

- Does the cat lick it off? - Does it?

You see his entire hoot.

[shouts] One more time, Boobo!

You're meant to go and make those kids fuckin' laugh!

Knobhead! Get off me, you knobhead.

Leave that bear where it was, you fuckers.

You sit up like that.

Time for a cup of cocoa…

Is he ever gonna leave that fucking house?

A knobhead! [groans]

Cardi, fucking hell!

Thank you for the gift. Don't play the innocent with me.

What time? 7:00?

We could meet at the usual place…

- Ring Vinnie, we're on. - …and take it from there.

["Hotride" playing]

[car beeps]

- [engine revs] - Here we go.

We're on! Let's have it.

- The fuck have your brought Alan for? - Lucky charm, like Nigel.

- Nigel almost had us killed last time. - Yeah. But he didn't, did he?

- Is it open? - Yes!

- Away you go, Ashley. Come on. - Why is it always me?

'Cause you were in the fucking circus. You're good wi' heights and that.

- I sold popcorn. - Get up them fucking ladders!

- Fucking ladder. - Oi, if the alarm goes off,

you get down these stairs, you fucking punch in that…

- I can't do ladders. You know this. - Punch in the code!

You'll fucking shake it off the wall.

- Oh! - Shin first?

[alarm blaring]

- [thud] - [alarm continuing]

- Fuck! Why is the alarm still going off? - He got the fucking wrong code.

What? It's got nothing to do with the code, Dylan.

Someone's gonna have to go up there and find him. Thomas, go on.

- Why me? - Get the fuck up the ladder!

- Me… - [shouts] Fucking hell!

Shit. Rock, paper, scissors.

- One, two, three… - Ah!

Get up.

You get the fuck in there and you punch that code in.

Fucking hurry up! Christ.

Ashley! Ashley!

Ashley?

You had one job. One fucking job, you dickhead!

- What's the code? Ashley? - Er…

- The code, Ashley! - I can't…

One, three, two, one.

- What, are you counting down numbers? - Try 9-9-9, then.

- What is wrong with people? - Where the fuck is he now? Ashley!

[Erin] Oh, shit! The neighbours are looking.

Tom? Yeah.

- Er, 1-2-6-7. - [Dylan] Shit!

- That neighbour's coming now. - I'll deal with it.

No, I'll go.

- What, a female window cleaner? - Yes, Cardi.

Come on, I'll come with you for credibility and that.

What's wrong with you? What you been doing?

Dill, you know those stairs. I fell down them!

- Hi! - You all right, fella?

- [neighbour] Hiya. - Hiya. We're just window cleaners.

- No cause for alarm! - No.

- You having that? - Our window cleaner's Pete the Eunuch.

No, not any more.

Mr MacDonagh's decided to go for a more professional outfit.

- Hello. - Hiya.

- Actually, Pete is quite useless. - Oh.

I mean, he leaves these streaky patches!

He's a streaker, he's a patcher. He's known in the industry for that.

Tell you what. Maybe you can do ours.

I don't see why not.

I mean, it's the wife that makes all the decisions.

- Well… - Will you come speak with her?

Yeah, let's go… Where is she?

- Go and talk. Come on, Erin. - She's in the kitchen.

- Yeah? - We'll move some stuff about.

- Great! - Fuck's sake!

What you saying, then? What day's good for you?

Christ alive! Fuck.

- [overlapping chatter] - [JJ] Dicks in clay!

Ah! [laughs]

Oh, for fuck's sake. Now you've gone and broken his perv dick collection.

Right, there's the laptop.

Now we just need to find the external hard drive.

And you, find some glue.

Someone spent time on that.

["Mmwauu" playing]

[Erin] Yeah, he does seem a bit strange.

Oh, he is. He's a right funny one, him next door.

Keeps himself to himself most of the time, but we hear rumours.

- Hmm… What rumours? - Mmm! The things he gets up to.

And that thing the other week.

- Oh, yeah! - Go on, you're gonna have to tell us.

- What is it? - Some woman, screaming.

All kind of fuss, weren't it? We were too scared to look.

- Go get it! - Oh, yeah. Be a minute.

Our CCTV covers a bit of their driveway.

And his brother was running after someone with an axe!

An axe?

- Let's have a look. - Come on, gather round!

Here we go…

- There. - God, it is an axe!

That's a fucking axe. That's scary!

Obviously, she saw the whole thing?

- Yeah. - God help her.

- I said we should call the police. - And I said we don't want involving.

- Yeah. - No. You do right.

Don't get involved in summat like that.

- Yeah, it's not worth it. - Awful, how frightening.

- Hmm! - Crying out loud.

Now, listen, we've got to get off.

- We're late for another bloody client. - Oh!

I've been enjoying… It's been nice, hasn't it?

- Really… Thank you! - You have to come round again.

- Yeah! - We'd love to come round again.

- Yeah! - Now listen, Wednesday.

Wednesday, we can do. We'll rejig some stuff.

Okay…

Wet and Wild is what we're called, all right?

So look us up online. I'm the Wild one, she's really…

Er… Fucking hell! I've left me bloody phone.

- Okay… - Am I all right to go and grab it?

- [woman] Yeah… - Fantastic!

[shudders] It's not holding, lads.

That's 'cause you're using a fucking glue stick. Tommo, this is taking forever.

- We've got to get out of here! - No, no!

Nobody leaves until we find that fucking hard drive. Ashley!

Relinquish the penis… and find the fucking hard drive.

Fucking bellend!

- Right, let's get out of here. - Fucking Wet and Wild?

It's all I could think of. Check this out, stole their fucking card.

- That's our fucking… Fucking hell! - Look out! It's fucking Davey.

[Erin] Ring Tommo! Ring him.

[mobile buzzing]

- Vinnie, what? - Abort, dude. Abort!

Abort? What the fuck do you mean, abort?

"What do I mean, abort"? Abort the fucking mission. Get out!

Davey, he's fucking back. He's got someone with him.

Fuck!

Shit, we haven't got the fucking hard drive!

We haven't got the fucking hard drive! Argh!

- Abort! Abort! - [Ash] What?

- Fucking hell! - [Ash] Up the stairs.

Fuck! Fuck me.

- What is going on? - Go, go, go! Go, go, go! Shit!

What the fuck? What?

Fuck, fuck, fuck! The ladder's slipped.

We'll have to go out the back door now.

- Come on! - Fuck, fuck!

[mouths]

[smooching]

[Davey] Could've sworn I turned that alarm on.

[Lisa] Forget the alarm, David!

Oh, oh! Mmm!

[Lisa] And I'll go get… [continues indistinctly]

[Davey moaning]

Fuck!

- [Dylan] Here… - Fuck off, it's my place.

There's room for both of us! Just fucking…

- You and your massive hair. - Fuck off!

[whispers] Fucking get in.

Get off me, JJ!

[Cardi] Guess who brought bangers? Coming in.

- What the fuck is wrong with you? - Alan's favourite.

- Ah! It's the external hard drive. - Careful now…

That's someone's ashes, though. Careful.

[laughs] Nice one, JJ!

[Davey] Oh, butterfingers!

I've got that exact make and model.

["You Sexy Thing" playing]

- Davey? - [Davey] I'm coming!

[Lisa] Not yet, I hope!

[Davey] Put these on.

[Lisa] Have you been wearing these, Davey?

[Davey] Strap this on.

- [Lisa] Oh, you're a dirty boy! - I am a dirty boy.

[Lisa] Pretend I'm your stepsister.

Daddy's out, and we shouldn't be left alone.

- [Davey] Yeah. - [Lisa] Hmm.

You saw me coming out the shower, and I saw your boner!

And now, here we are, the two of us, alone.

[Lisa] Put the fucking panties on! My balls are like raspberries.

[retches]

- I've just dropped it! - What?

The fucking memory card! Our insurance policy, fucking CCTV!

What? Did you wanna be seen?

- Well, no… - No? Exactly!

But I didn't want to be pushed through a fucking bush, magnum force.

[Davey] Gently. Gently now. That's it…

- Ooh, ooh, ooh! - [Lisa] Oh!

- I can't get it out. - "Put the ladder…" Oh, fuck me!

Listen, go put the ladder back for Willow. It's fallen down.

- Oh, for fuck's sake! - I'm gonna go and put a window through.

- [Davey] Oh, oh, oh! - [creaking]

Oh! Oh, you dirty bitch!

Oh! Yeah, right there!

Oh! That's it.

♪ I believe in miracles ♪

♪ Where're you from? ♪

♪ You sexy thing, sexy thing ♪

♪ I believe in miracles… ♪

[glass shatters, car alarm blares]

- Me alarm! Me car! - What?

It's my fucking car!

- [Lisa] Davey, wait! - [Davey] Oh, fuck!

[alarm continues]

I'll fucking kill whoever did this!

- [Lisa] Come back to bed! - I'll fucking kill 'em!

David!

You go back upstairs and I'll get us some drinks. Yeah?

Go on, good boy. There you go. That's a good boy!

- This way, quick! - Wait, what about the ladder?

- What do we do about the ladder? - Leave it!

Oh, fuck!

- [shouts] Davey! - [Davey] What is it?

Men, in your garden!

Oi! Oi!

Hello?

I… I-I've l-lost Alan. I've left him back there.

Inside or outside?

In the g-garden. I thought he was in my pocket.

Hey! Hey! Hey, listen. We'll go find him tomorrow.

No! I… I wanna go back now. JJ, stop the van, stop the van!

- Listen… - He's my new bird. It's like Vinnie said.

- I want him back! - Calm down, dude! Calm down.

Listen, you know we fucking love you, man.

We'd do anything for you.

But we can't go back for a fucking pigeon, man!

We can't, sweetheart.

- [groans] - Listen, we can't go back for him.

Not today. It's not safe.

I know.

[Manolito] You've done well, gentlemen.

I have to say, I'm impressed.

You stole my animals, you stole the technology.

- You are good thieves! - Thank you. Professionals.

- Ish. - I applaud you, and now, I reward you.

So you're gonna cut the MacDonaghs out, and deal direct with us, yeah?

- Consider it done. - [cheering]

I am the lion, top of food chain.

What I say, it goes.

Now let's go drink, celebrate the future.

- In jacuzzi! - Wait, no…

We've got a shitload on.

- Where you going? - No, can't do it.

Nice one, though. Nice one, mate.

["Soul Time" playing]

♪ If you want a time to soul Baby, it's time to soul time! ♪

♪ Say you want a time to soul Baby, it's time to soul time! ♪

[cheering]

♪ Ready, get set now ♪

♪ Two, four, six, eight, ten Two, four, six, eight, twenty… ♪

[laughter]

[chatter, laughter]

- Crazy night. - Hmm, it has been a crazy night.

[chuckles]

- But here's to calmer times. - Hmm.

Gorgeous.

Come with me.

Listen, listen, listen. Oi, oi, oi!

They're here. Stay calm, we've been here all night.

- They know fuck all. - Vin…

- Tommo. - It's all right.

- Hello, Vincent. - All right?

Little party, is it? Late night celebration?

- Another dead pigeon? - No. We're just having a gathering.

And you weren't invited.

You don't like me. Do you, JJ?

- You pushed over a woman. - I did.

And I'll do it again, if you fuckers don't tell me what went down tonight!

That face again, Dylan?

- How do you mean, gone down? - My house. There's been a theft.

- Fine art, broken. - Bloody hell. What's been taken?

Laptop, zip drive. And a shit ton of food.

What's that got to do with us?

- Call it instinct. - [Carol] Bollocks.

Your instinct is shot.

Look at them beers, we've been sitting here all night.

Now you're a good boy. Aren't you, Cardigan?

You know the value of telling the truth.

Yeah.

Have you, like your Irish lady said, been here all night?

Y… Y-yeah.

- Are you sure? - P-Positive.

Oh! "P-P-Positive"?

Yeah.

Barry?

So, this is your pigeon?

Mmm, nope. N-n-no.

"N-n-no"? No?

Or yes? 'Cause I found this pigeon outside my house,

and that pigeon is gonna be inside that blender,

and Barry here is gonna turn on that blender,

unless you fucking cunts tell me why you broke into my fucking house

to steal my fucking laptop!

Davey, Barry.

We haven't been in your fucking house, all right?

And I've me hand on me heart, we've been here all night.

Really? Okay, blend it.

No, man!

He's upset because he's a fucking sweetheart,

doesn't want to see a pigeon blended, weirdly.

I don't either!

- You've got five seconds. - Now, now, hang on a minute.

- Four… - J-just…

You're gonna kill an innocent pigeon, you cunt!

Three…

What cause would we have to come in your gaff?

- Two… - D… Davey, come the fuck on, man!

- One… - Right, it was us. We did it, we did it.

- Fuck! - He knew anyway.

We went in to get the photos that you've got of Manolito.

Thank you, sweetheart.

And where are the photographs now?

- They're with Manolito. - And why would you do that?

Because we fucking hate you!

We want to be free of you, man. All you ever do is threaten us.

Yeah. We're supposed to be partners, we're not your fucking partners.

Right, I see.

I had no idea you felt that way.

Yeah, well, now you do.

Manolito made us an offer, and so we took it.

Right.

And did you have a look at them photographs that you gave back?

Because by rights, those images should be shown to the police.

He would go down for many years.

But I made a decision, business decision,

that I'd prefer to be rich.

- What sort of images? - Use your imagination.

Now, this man that you've made a deal with is not a good man.

The really funny part is… I've got the images saved to the cloud.

I was told you're a moron with technology.

Oh, I am. But he isn't.

You've wasted your time, Vincent.

And you've upset me very much.

See? I'm not a vindictive man.

Hmm?

If you wanted out of our business arrangement…

- let's just end it now. - Safe.

- No hard feelings. - No hard feelings at all.

At all!

["In the House (In a Heartbeat)" playing]

Okey-dokey!

- [Tommo] Shit! - Ta-ta for now.

[engine revving]

Ey up!

- With pigeons? - No, with everything.

The dinosaur had it. The dodo.

- He died, the whole lot of 'em died. - He die-died.

[music continues]

Oh, actually… I could kill for some chocolate.

- I am eating for two! - Yeah. I'll go to the garage.

Thank you.

[music continues]

I've got a bad feeling about this.

[Erin] Me too.

- Tyler's at his sleepover. - Mmm.

Do you wanna stay the night?

[music continues]

[music swells]

[music continues]

[imperceptible]

[shouting]

No! Argh!

Argh! Help! No! Help! Help!

Ah…

[music ends]

[thumping heartbeats]

[tense guitar music playing]