Original subtitles

Aggressive, egocentric, narcissistic…

he'd happily lie to your face.

What would your diagnosis be?

Cunt.

Yeah, that's exactly what I thought.

- You are shagging his daughter, man. - Yeah, I know, but I'm…

Everyone I'm shagging is a daughter of someone,

doesn't mean you have to be a blazing arsehole.

Don't know why he hates me so much.

- What if he's younger than ya? - No, he's not.

He's five weeks older. I checked.

What, and he's supposed to be rich, this bellend, is he?

God, yeah.

Massive house…

butler, valet…

amazing wine cellar.

You should see it.

Why the fuck would I want to go and visit a wine cellar, man?

No, seriously!

- You should see his wine cellar. - Oh?

He's got six cases of 1980 Bordeaux.

Oh! It's me favourite, Bordeaux.

- Two-and-a-half grand a case. - Hmm.

So, go on, what you suggesting, then?

I'm not suggesting anything as a medical professional.

But as Annabel King's darkly mysterious imaginative lover,

I'm telling you, they run a Murder Mystery night once a month.

You'd have access to the entire house.

- Oh… - God! You, out!

It's medicinal!

Yeah, do you know how much of this fucking shite I have to use

to get rid of the smell in here? Oh, God.

♪ The best things in life are free ♪

♪ But you can give them To the birds and bees ♪

♪ I need money… ♪

What, hey, 250 quid for us all to go to some shit party?

Fucking hell. It's 250 quid each.

- Bloody hell, Vin. - Fuck…

Christ, listen.

Half of us aren't even playing the game, you know,

we'll be stealing the bloody wine out of t'cellar.

Why is it so expensive, though?

Oh, it'll be all champagne, canapés, and that jizz.

I'd be wanting roast swan with cocaine up its arse

for that kind of money.

It won't fucking matter how much we spend on the tickets.

We're stealing thousands of pounds' worth of fucking wine.

It's enough to sort the community centre right out.

- [phone chimes] - Honestly.

Ping-ety fucking ping-a-ling, dude.

- Put that shit on silent, will ya? - Sorry. Spam.

It's er… It's some carpet salesman in Preston who's got my number.

- He won't leave me alone. - [Vinnie] Fascinating.

Also, Sugar is ovulating that weekend, so actually, we're out.

All right, well, listen, I'm not Sexmaster Flex,

but it takes two fucking minutes to create a child.

There speaks a man of great experience.

Just… Fuck me. We'll be done by 10:00. Right?

- Postpone the bone, JJ. - Postpone it.

Argh, fine! Okay, but listen, am I pressing "pay", or what?

It's a lot of money. Can we pull it off?

Yeah, we can pull it off, course we can.

- We quite often don't. - Can we do it, or not?

- I don't know, I... - Done! "Booking is non-refundable."

"Character details forwarded within 24 hours of booking."

- "Costumes are considered essential." - What kind of costumes?

- What do you want, Davey? - Straight to business. I like that.

- Got a job offer. - Yeah? I'm not interested.

Now, now, now, Dylan. Listen to Davey.

It's nothing criminal. Just semantically illegal.

- What do you mean? - It shouldn't be illegal.

Nobody thinks of it as being illegal.

It's just a little bit outside the law.

Yeah.

I'd like you to host a poker night for some friends of mine next Saturday.

A little birdy tells me you're an excellent player, is that right?

So I've been told, yeah.

Just keep a clear head and make sure the game runs smoothly.

They're an easy-going sort.

And I'll give you a grand for your efforts. Are you in?

No, thanks. No, I've got plans. I've got a party to go to, so…

I don't think I heard you correctly.

You gonna kick the shit out of me as well?

Hmm! No, sweet boy.

I'd like you to do this for me…

because I'm asking you nicely.

Give me two grand for the community centre.

Fine. Oh, and, Dylan,

this little arrangement is just between ourselves. Understand?

And er… liven it up a little bit, sartorially.

You usually dress like you're pulling a plough.

Off you go, sweet cheeks.

Guess what I found in the blueprints to that posh house?

- Go on. - A fucking priest hole!

For Jesus's sake. And we're surprised the Catholic Church has a bad reputation.

Hang on, sweetheart. What do you think a priest hole is?

- It's a glory hole for priests. - Ohh.

I thought the same.

It's where they used to hide the priests

back in the day when it was frowned upon to be a Catholic.

Frowned upon? Dude, they were executed by the monarchy.

Whatever. Anyway.

This one has a tunnel that leads from the far edge of the garden,

all the way to the wine vault.

WC? Is that wine cellar there?

Er, no, that's the lavvy, that. But it's round there somewhere.

- Yeah. It's blocked. - The toilet, or the tunnel?

That fucking line there…

means that the entrance to the wine vault is bricked up.

[Jim] I know that, smarty-pants.

Do you think this is the first set of blueprints I've ever looked at?

No.

I've been putting in complaints

to the fucking council building regs office for fucking years.

You cunts want to build prefabricated shitboxes

near my land, you can fuck right off.

My cows do not wanna be looking at piss-poor architecture!

Who the… Who the fuck are you bollocking?

Who's this that's all… It's like a fucking eight-foot man you're bollocking.

Fucking council, never mind.

- Fuck me, dude. - Sorry, sorry.

The reason we're going through there is because it is bricked up.

No one's gonna expect it, know what I mean?

- So, what is the plan? - I'll tell ya what the fucking plan is.

A bunch of youse are gonna be in the fucking game,

keeping your eyes on the guests.

Most importantly, keeping 'em away from the fucking library,

'cause that's where we're gonna smash through, bang on 8:00 p.m. Yeah?

Jesus Christ. Bang on 8:00 p.m.

Very specific time, Vin, isn't it?

It's all specific, it all matters, because at that time, 8:00 p.m.,

you're all gonna be in the fucking dining room,

which is the furthest point away from the wine vault.

So that, me, you and that fucking knobhead there,

can hoof the wine back up the priest hole, through the garden.

I've gotta get to that Rascal with these men.

Once I send you the text, that's where were gonna meet.

- Dude, I can't make it now. I'm busy. - You on a date?

Yeah, yeah. Something like that.

Deliver me, dude. What the fuck?

I have spent £250 on your ticket.

- Sorry. - I'll do it. I'm good at accents.

Right. Erin, you will be… Brandy Vermouth.

- Femme fatale. - Ooh!

Brandy Vermouth? That's just two drinks put together. Shit name.

Dude, I didn't come up with the fucking names here, guys, all right?

These have been sent to me.

Cardi, you're gonna be Major Matters.

Aye-aye, Captain. All right.

- Ashley? You will be… - Yeah, go on.

- Lord Rupert Harris. - [all] Ooh.

[in posh accent] Well, business me, that sounds like a lovely part.

No fucking "business me".

You fucking idiot, no one's ever said that.

Right, Tommo. You're playing a fat little activist called Keith Jones.

[laughter]

What? Hang on. What… what kind of activist?

Oh, what kind of fucking activist?

- I don't know! - A non-specific activist?

Jesus fuck… I'm wearing me own clothes, then.

All right. Carol. You will be…

[all impersonate drum roll]

- Hurry up, there. - Mrs Housekeeper.

[Carol] Hold a fucking minute here, Mrs Housekeeper?

That's not even a fucking proper title, like.

That's fucking sexist bollocks if I ever heard it.

Oi. Shut up. What the fuck is wrong wi' you lot?

It's a robbery!

Get your fucking heads in it. Does anyone have any questions?

- [overlapping chatter] - Everyone! That's everyone!

That's all… No, no, no. You'll stop right there.

What?

Is it just light nibbles, or is it big dinner as well?

I'm storming off. I'm stomping off.

- I'm fucking storming off, guys. No! - It's a fu… That is a fu…

It's a reasonable question. Do I need to eat before, or not?

[chuckles]

[chimes]

["Beautifully Unconventional" playing]

[doorbell chimes]

Follow me, please.

JJ. Let's do it, man.

Jimbo?

- Is it down that one? - Jim?

- Jim! - Bang, bang, you're dead, lads.

It's all right, relax, it's only me.

Well, what you doing? What you wearing?

It's a disguise and a costume at the same time. Clever, eh? This way.

Night vision goggles? It's twilight hour, dude.

- You can still get shit done. - [Jim] It's that there.

- It's the thing. - Told ya, told ya.

- It's the thing. - Told ya.

- Fucking told ya. - Y'know what I mean?

All right. Listen. Pry it up.

No, don't prise it up like that. These old things are solid.

They're practically bomb proof.

[loud clattering]

I'm all right!

[soft lounge music playing on speakers]

[crockery clinks]

[chuckles]

- Ash! - Very classy.

For fucking 250 quid, classy can go fuck itself.

- Canapé? - Bring 'em in, lad.

- [keypad beeps] - Oi. You look like a twat, mate.

- [intercom rings] - [man chuckles]

- [man on intercom] What? - Er, yeah, Davey sent me.

[door buzzes, unlocks]

[knock at door]

How's it going? You all right?

Dylan.

Here y'are.

How's it going?

- You Davey's guy? - Yeah, I am.

- Where is he? - It's not his scene.

Yeah, well, makes sense, don't it?

What the fuck's that supposed to mean?

Well, you've all got your clothes on and it's not 65 degrees.

[quiet laughter]

Let's hope you're not a fucking cheat like the last one he sent over.

[Jim] Useless bastard black web Internet fucking shite.

I had to send bits of coins for that.

It's not bit… It's Bitcoin, you thick…

- Fucking no wonder they sent 'em back. - Vin. Vin, mate.

Okay, listen, right. I've not really told anyone this,

but I've just got this really, like, deep fear, yeah,

of being buried alive, and… and it's happening.

Gonna have to stop ya. It's not happening. Stop you there.

Hundreds of years old, this buil… Why would it suddenly fall in...

- I'm really scared about... - Smaller the tunnel,

the less chance there is of it collapsing and burying you alive.

- Or is it more chance? - It's not. It's not a thing.

It's not… Dude, it's not a thing.

Regardless of what it is, yeah, I'm gonna fuck off.

- [Jim] Hey! - Don't run away. Oh, for God's sake.

- Are you not gonna go after him? - No, fuck it. He'll be all right.

- [shouts] JJ, wait in the Rascal, yeah? - Yeah, man. So sorry, boys.

Fucking hell. Check this out. Strobe.

Hey, fucking hell.

- Come on, let's fucking rob this. - All right.

Yeah, I faked a panic attack, all right?

Just get here as soon as you can. I love you.

[gong chimes]

Your hosts, Mr and Mrs Carmichael King.

[man] Yeah!

Dear friends. Dear, dear friends.

Thank you all for joining us here this evening.

Although it pains me to announce that one of you… is a murderer.

[excited chatter]

Ten of these envelopes contain clues as to the identity

of the evil fiend who killed my mother, God rest her soul.

[Inhales sharply] I shall avenge you, Mother!

[grunts] If you receive one of these,

then your job is to try and solve the murder

without you yourself being killed.

However…

In the 11th envelope is a red hand.

If you receive this, then you are the killer,

and it is your job to try and kill

as many of your fellow guests as possible.

I… I might pose a question in there.

[in posh accent] Mr King, if you will permit meh?

No!

Er, there are several other clues dotted throughout the house

that will help you to solve the murder and catch the killer,

but the most important thing… have fun!

- Yeah, if you must. - [chuckles]

Er, dinner will be served at 7:15 sharp.

We expect the killer to restrain his or her urges until after coffee.

- [chuckles] - [gentle applause]

Toodle pip.

Ash, you take the professor and the priest.

Right, you two, follow the Kings.

Tommo? You take the nurse and the, er… riding the fox thing, the man…

Yeah, but can we, you know, play the game a bit first?

You know, 'cause I do consider myself to be quite the aesthete.

You have one job, Greta,

make sure your two are in the dining room by 8:00 p.m.

See ya.

[slow music playing]

[Jim] What time is it, Vin?

7:00.

[groans]

- Fuck! - What?

I've got loads of slugs shagging all me cabbages.

I meant to put down some repellent.

Well, fuck, can you not ask the poor lad that's working for you?

He'll do it, won't he?

Great idea, Vin.

Hello, is that Pascal? Yeah, it's Jim here.

Calling from a tunnel with no signal,

which is why I'm using me fucking hand!

Cunt.

[speaking Russian]

You gonna pull 'em up on that?

[continues speaking Russian]

[knocks table] Gentlemen, English at this table only, please.

[coughing loudly]

Mate… I'm gonna take a piss.

No one leaves the table while they're playing.

No matter how full their fucking bladder is.

- [man] What the fuck? - [urine splashes]

[man] Disgusting guy!

I'll see.

[cutlery clinking]

Well, this is pretty fucking dull.

You're all supposed to be talking to each other in character.

You. Brandy Vermouth.

Tell me something about yourself.

Okay. Erm… I have a son called Ty...

No, no, no, no. Tell me something about Brandy.

Okay.

I once ran over a man's head outside of a night club,

- and I buried him… alive. - [gasping]

- [chuckles] - Brilliant.

- [mouthing] - Brilliant. She's getting it. Erm…

Who's next? You, Major.

I… I… I…

[hesitates]

Yeah, pathetic. Erm… You, do you cry when you masturbate?

Well, I wouldn't say floods. I've definitely had a drizzle or two...

Not you, you fucking simpleton. The priest.

- No. - Are you sure?

Is that what it said in the character breakdown

my wife wrote for you?

- I cry when I masturbate. - He cries when he masturbates!

Could he be the murderer?

Oh, come on. It's supposed to be fun. Talk to each other!

[clears throat] So, you're a professor, are ya…

- Yep. - What of?

Not fucking dentistry, is it?

[clears throat] Erm…

We shall now move to the library for dessert.

Yes! This is where the fun really starts. [laughs]

[ticks noisily]

You ready, Vin?

- 'Cause a scene. - What?

It's nearly 8:00 p.m.

We can't go in the library until Vinnie has smashed down the wall.

- Oh. - Go.

I'd like to propose a toast to Mr King there,

for their hospitality… by song.

Mate, just leave me gong alone, yeah?

Yeah, just give me one quick go, and I'll be…

[singing, gong sounding]

- [gong chimes] - [incoherent, discordant singing]

- Right. - Fuck, dude, I hope they can't hear.

[laughs]

- [gong chimes loudly] - [incoherent, discordant singing]

Cut!

Library, now. Fuck's sake.

[inhales] Thank you.

Sorry.

[Mr King] Not in the character description, but never mind.

- [wall crumbles] - [Vinnie] Fuck, dude. Shit.

[Jim] Argh!

I wonder where the door is.

[Vinnie] Hey. Oh, fuck me in the bum.

- [Jim] Oh, fucking hell. - Yes, madam.

- [Jim] Fucking hell. - Yes, madam.

- Where's the fucking lights? - [Jim] Yes, yes, yes.

Oh, fuck, dude. Look at this shit.

- Fucking jackpot. - Fantastic.

Bayswater. The mayor of… Cheam…

and Phil Brilliance, who was a terrific fencer.

Have you nearly finished?

Kurt! [snaps fingers]

Now.

Remember, if you are dispatched by the killer,

you must return here, to the library.

Now, let the game commence!

[single cheer]

[indistinct chattering, giggling]

[Mr King] Come. Let me put you in touch with my tailor.

["Salvation" playing]

- Let Kurt go. - Okay.

[softly] Wait till I hear from Vinnie, make your excuses and leave.

What do we do in the meantime?

Look like you're having fun. Enjoy yourself.

[Cardi] Got your big sign, Tom, yeah?

Boom! [laughs] You're dead, mate.

♪ Rain is falling ♪

♪ I remember nothing ♪

♪ When I think of you… ♪

- [yells] - [shrieks]

- Argh! [laughs] - [screams]

Dickhead.

♪ I remember nothing ♪

♪ When I think of you… ♪

[groans]

Ha!

♪ Consolation… ♪

Get out of that, then. [laughs]

♪ But I don't need you… ♪

- [grunts] - [indistinct shouting]

Ah, you dickhead.

♪ Consolation… ♪

Sod off. Sod off, leave me alone.

♪ Consolation… ♪

[mouthing]

- Do you want a bit? - Go on, then.

Get that down ya. [grunts]

Yep! [sighs]

- This is all shite. - That's old.

You can get all this crap at the Grab'nGo.

- [smashes] - Oi. What the fudge, dude?

You giant turd. They'll fucking hear us, man.

Give over, man, they'll all be well pissed by now.

- Robbery, dude. - Probably fucked off the murder mystery

and have just cracked straight on with the fucking orgy.

There's no orgies, Jim. It's fucking Murder Mystery night, dude.

Course there's a fucking orgy.

Poshos can't keep their todgers out of other people's wives.

I don't care anyway.

They're all the same, these posh houses.

Everything fucking stinks of wet wool,

and the decor's all fucking taxidermy,

and lugers and cushions with pugs on dressed as fucking admirals.

Jim, that's your house. You've just described your house.

I do not have any cushions, Vin.

I'm not a fucking woman.

Right, fucking shite!

Oh, bingo. Vinnie!

[whispers] Fucking look.

- Ah. - Give us a leg up, leg up, hey, come on.

Fuck that. Dude, dude, dude. Just jump on that.

I'll push you up against the wall. On three, yeah?

- Yeah, yeah. - All right, then.

One, two… You dickhead, that were two!

They're two-and-a-half grand a fucking crate.

- You just be careful, will ya? - I've got it. I've got one.

It's your arse cheeks, they're like fucking pitta breads.

We can fucking do this the other way round if you want, Vinnie.

I'm sure you'll be fucking better off up here.

[inhales]

See.

- [slurps, gulps] - I'll raise 2,000.

["Salvation" playing]

Bingo!

Ah. [chuckles]

I've been waiting up here for ages. Close the door.

Now, I thought it'd be fun to make it look really messy.

You know, get some good promo shots for the socials.

It's not real.

I'm gonna film you shooting me,

and then, er, we'll squirt some oil and greasepaint on the floor.

Put on a show for that lot downstairs. [laughs]

So. Ready?

Oh, please. Please don't shoot me!

I have a daughter, you know.

Are you sure it's not loaded, mate? 'Cause it is quite heavy, you know.

Yes. Just pull the fucking trigger.

Oh, no, he's going to shoot me!

Come on.

- Oh, well in. Fucking hell. - Fifteen fucking grand, eh!

Seriously, we've got to get the fuck out of here.

We've got to move them down the priest hole. Can you manage two?

Two? I could carry fucking six if I wanted.

- Mind out that prop there, dickhead. - All right.

I've crawled through more fucking tunnels…

- No, no, no, no! - [wall crumbles]

- [screams] - Well done. I mean, fuck me, dickhead.

Well, a fucking stupid place for a prop.

A fucking kid could've cycled into that.

- Why would a kid have bike down here? - Argh!

- Why would a child have a bike down here? - Vinnie!

Dude. Fuck me, man.

Well, I mean, that's two crates down now, in't it?

You fucking lemon. Gonna have to go through the house.

Stop being such a wet arsehole.

- Shoot me, you little prick! - Fine. I will do.

♪ I need salvation ♪

♪ But I don't need you… ♪

["Who's Sorry Now" playing]

♪ Who's sorry now? ♪

[discordant screams]

♪ Who's sorry now?… ♪

[gunshot]

[echoing] Shoot me, you little prick!

♪ Whose heart… ♪

[frantic, discordant music playing]

[in jarring voice] Oh, my gosh!

[piercing screams]

[in drawn-out voice] Oh, my gosh.

[frantic music continues]

[music fades]

- [music plays faintly] - [engine purrs]

[squeals] You've done all this for me?

Yeah.

Well, you know, if…

If my firstborn has to be conceived in the back of a Bedford Rascal,

then… I want it to be a little bit special.

["Don't Delete the Kisses" playing]

- Come on. - [both chuckle]

[whispers] What was that noise?

I am panicking here, you need to call me ASAP.

I don't know what the fuck… Did you hear that?

It sounded like a fucking earthquake.

I were… upstairs.

What is wrong with you?

- You heard from Vinnie? - No.

- No. I haven't either. Fuck! - [phone chimes]

Right, you go find the others, I'll wait in the library.

We need to be ready to leave as soon as they get out.

[sighs]

[echoing] I have a daughter, you know.

[echoing] Oh, no, he's going to shoot me.

[speaking Russian]

What are they saying?

That someone here is a cheat.

- It's not you, is it? - Hey.

I was told no guns.

[heartbeat pounding]

- [sound clears] - Gentlemen. If I can remind you…

There's no firearms at the table.

[sniggers]

[man scoffs] Fucking amateur.

[snores noisily]

- What the fuck was that noise? - [whispers] Sorry.

- [whispering] The tunnel has caved in. - No.

Me and Jim are gonna have to go through the fucking house now.

- Where's JJ? - He's had a panic attack.

- [phone chimes] - Shit!

Turn it on silent.

Fuck, I've had a load of missed calls from our Dill.

Answer it. Just answer it.

- What's going on? - Vin, help me, dude.

I'm really sorry, dude, I've fucked up.

Hey, just fucking hell, slow down, man. What's going on?

- [muffled chatter] - I'm doing a job for Davey.

- What? - Dude, I know.

It's a poker night. It's just a poker night.

I was trying to get some money for the community centre.

And… and, dude, they've got guns. They've got guns.

If I make a single fucking mistake, they're gonna kill me.

They're not gonna kill you, Dylan.

- Jesus Christ. - [knock at door]

- [man] Open the door. Come on. - I need to go.

I'll text the address in case I don't get out.

- Just hang… Fuck me. - [line disconnects]

- What the fuck is that all about? - [phone chimes]

- What the fuck have you got him into? - Oi.

Hang on a minute. I haven't got him into fuck all.

You heard that message. I don't know what's going on.

I told you not to fuck with the MacDonaghs.

Not only did you not listen to me, you fucking lied to my face.

- It's like McCann all over again. - No, you can fuck off, now!

I'm fucking doing all this shit, for you and the community centre.

I'm not talking about this. I'm talking about the MacDonaghs,

all the dangerous people you fucking work with.

I don't wanna be involved with these dangerous people.

You fucking do.

I don't want it either. I'm doing it for you.

- I'm doing it for the gang. - What?

I do it for all of us.

All I ever do is think about you.

All I ever do is try and please you, keep you here.

And all you ever wanna do is fuck off and leave me.

You know, you left with me little boy.

You didn't tell me where you'd gone. I was fucking terrified.

Terrified. You know, did you really just fuck off because of McCann?

Or was that just a convenient excuse to get the fuck away from the likes of me?

Is that what you really think of me?

["Angel in the Snow" playing]

No.

No, it's not.

[phone clatters]

I don't know why I said it. I'm sorry.

I'm just a fucking disaster.

I just fuck… I fucking ruin everything.

I sometimes wonder…

if you ever hate me…

as much as I hate meself?

Vin.

Of course I don't hate ya.

I need ya.

You make me feel safe…

when I'm not safe.

And that's why I'm still here.

I fucking love you.

♪ Don't you know that I love you? ♪

- Mmm-hmm. - [chuckles]

- No. - We need to get the wine out.

- Okay? - Mmm.

Give me ten minutes to find the others…

[whispers] and to get the dead guests out the library.

- Okay. - Okay.

["Horn Concerto No. 4" playing]

- Oh, my God. - You've got red all over your lips.

- Oh, shit. - Yeah.

[laughter]

Lads, lads, lads, there's a fox out there in the garden

if you lot want to go out there and beat it to death.

Just go out and look at it.

It's lovely, like… Just look at the lovely fox.

- Yeah. Yeah, I want to see a fox. - [guests mumbling]

Yeah, it's massive. It's the size of, like…

It's like a… a Mini.

You lot, get in there.

[whispers] Ash.

[music continues]

- Ah, a secret book door! - Yes. Go, go. Go on.

- Where the fuck is Tommo? - I have no idea. Come on.

Are we getting out of here, or what? Come on. Quick, quick, quick.

[music continues]

[dialling]

Get me the police.

- [object smashes] - [music stops]

Oh, goodness me, I'm so sorry.

- [muttering] - Here! Here! Here!

Hey, dickhead.

- What the fuck is that smell? - It's fucking wet wool, I told ya.

[door closes]

[whispers] Tommo?

Tommo?

I killed him.

I killed him. I…

Come here. Shh, shh.

Quick!

[shouting in Russian]

Just admit you've rigged the game and I'll let you go!

What do you fucking mean, let me go?

- You've been fucking us all night. - No! Fuck. Whoa. What the fuck is that?

- Dude, I haven't. - Nah, I don't think he has, Foz.

Stop the game. Everyone gets their money back.

You do that, I'll throw you off the balcony.

All money returned.

- Tonight never happened. - [gun cocks]

[gasps]

I'm not a cheat, dude. Nothing has been rigged.

You've just had a shit night.

Argh!

That's me out.

You kept up with us, no problem.

Some blokes find us a bit much. [laughs]

I'll let Davey know you're up for the next one.

[glasses clink]

Sound.

[slowly] Dylan, are you okay?

There's no reception, man. The fuck…

[all] Shh!

Don't slam it like that, dude.

- [whispers] Fucking hell. - I've killed a man.

- Have you? Bloody hell. - Vinnie.

Vinnie, I've… I've killed a man.

I have killed Mr King.

- Ah, you're the murderer, then, Tommo? - Yes.

- I have murdered… - No, you haven't.

…a human man.

Right, I have crossed a boundary… which cannot be uncrossed.

Dial it down a bit, Tommo.

- It's not like you really killed him. - [phone chimes]

No fucking reception here. Stop being a slag. Oi. Look at me!

- Stop being a tart. - I fucking have killed him.

- But you didn't kill him, did you? - I fucking did.

Why am I covered in blood, then, hey, Vinnie?

- Vinnie, why am I cover... - Oh, my God, it's real blood. It is, Vin.

It's not real. You know, what have you been on, you, tonight?

- A bit of coke, little bit of ketamine. - Right.

- Tiny bit of mescaline to round it off. - Fuck's sake.

- That's three fucking… - Is that all?

Three fucking things. You tripled yourself… tripled yourself,

now you're tripping bollocks in a fucking stately home.

It's like the woods all over again. You've gone too far. It's a bad trip.

- I'm having a bad trip. - Yes.

- You're having a bad trip, Tom. - It's a bad trip.

- [all muttering] - [frantic laughter]

- You're all right. - It's a fucking bad trip.

[muffled chatter]

I'm having a bad trip. Yeah. [laughs frantically]

- [all] Ssh! - [giggles nervously]

- I don't know if I am having a… - Shut the fuck up.

Shut up. You are. Shut the fuck up. Listen.

You three, fuck off in there. You're staying here.

- Just come on. - I can't carry them. My back's fucked.

Why couldn't you have just stayed at home watching Wild Geese?

- 'Cause I... - I swear to fucking God!

["Space & Time" playing]

[music continues]

[Kurt] Yah!

[growls]

[makes exaggerated martial arts sounds]

[Jim mumbles]

Ow!

Cunt.

Argh, me fucking back! [groans]

[Ash] JJ. Open up.

[Sugar] Two minutes.

Fucking hell.

- [siren wails] - Hey. Fucking pigs. Fucking leg it!

Ah, me fucking back. Jesus Christ.

- [moaning noisily] - I fucking hate rows.

- Oh, fuck me. - All right?

[door closes]

Don't panic. I'm just gonna tell ya, just gonna say it out loud.

The police are here. It's the police. [shushing]

[grunting] Stop it!

[police radio chatter]

Oh, thank God you're here.

I didn't say anything to the guests in case they tried to run.

But… I think something terrible has happened to my husband.

- Your husband? - Yes.

Were you one of the topless milkmaids at Daddy's 80th?

We're here about the wine.

Mrs King. We're here about the…

What the…

We're here because there's been…

a murder!

- [chokes] - Have you killed a man?

- No, no. Tom, Tom, Tom. - Ah…

It were me, but it were an accident.

- You took the wine? - I murdered her husband!

- [gasping] - I murdered her fucking husband!

- No, he didn't. Hold on… - Control.

[handcuffs click]

We've a suspected homicide, request backup.

[tearfully] I'm fucked in the head.

Ta-da! [laughs]

- [screams] - I fooled you all!

See? He's fine. No homicide.

Where have you been all evening?

I smashed my coccyx going out the window,

'cause Kurt forgot to set the fucking crash mat!

Yes, you all thought I was dead, but I am in fact… alive!

[laughs nervously]

Well, hang on. Did no one think I was dead?

[weakly] I did very much think you were dead.

This has completely ruined my whole fucking evening.

Do you have any idea of the prep I put in to make that death look convincing?

And you philistines turn up here in your cheap suits,

and you piss all over it!

Well, you can all fuck off!

Go on, fuck off, fuck off, fuck off!

- Everyone. Party's over! - But what about the wine?

No, if these lovely people want us to fuck off, off we shall fuck.

Control, can you cancel that, please?

- I've gotta go back. I've gotta go back. - No, Vinnie.

- Sweetheart, I've got to do it. - Vinnie, please.

I'll come back, I'll come back, I'll come back.

["How Long Do I Have to Wait for You?" playing]

♪ How long Do I have to wait for you, honey? ♪

♪ Before a girl like me can move on ♪

♪ Ooh, baby, tell me how long ♪

♪ Do I have to wait for you, honey? ♪

- ♪ Before… ♪ - [music stops]

- What the fuck? - Shit.

You're a fucking ponce!

Perfumed ponce.

["The Others" playing]

♪ Oh-oh-oh ♪

♪ Oh-oh-oh ♪

♪ Oh-oh-oh… ♪

- [giggling] - [indistinct chatter]

- Oh! - Fun party?

♪ …boys go dancing ♪

♪ Jumbled in the urban heat ♪

♪ Safety in the darkness ♪

♪ Oh-oh-oh ♪

♪ Just around the corner ♪

♪ That's a different story ♪

♪ They're the salt of the earth ♪

♪ Show your poor mouth Forget about it, drink up… ♪

[trills] Christopher.

You're joking.

Fuck me.

- You didn't! - I fucking did. Check it out, man.

[exhales enthusiastically] God.

I can't wait to see his face when he sees this lot gone.

- Where's the rest of it? - Don't ask. Fucking hell.

- Do you still want it? - Yeah!

- I've got Melissa coming round tonight. - Melissa?

- What happened to thingamajig's daughter? - Oh, no. Fizzled out.

She used to like to lie stock still whenever we made love.

It was a bit weird. It was like she was dead.

- Do you know what this is? - No.

So, it's five grand, yeah?

Yeah. Oi, oi, look at him.

Chequely McChequeson. Are you fucking mad?

I'm not the postal service.

I'm a criminal. It has to be cash in hand.

- All right. - Turnip!

All right, I'll give you five for these two.

Give you another grand for this.

["I Got You Babe" playing]

A grand?

Erin?

Erin?

Hi.

How much did you get?

- Five grand. - [chuckles]

[gasps] Oh, my God.

I mean, we would've got more, but Jim's an arsehole.

[chuckles] Vin! Oh, my God.

- That's amazing, thank you. - You're welcome.

I got you a present.

- Why? - I'm just sorry, that's all.

What for?

Just…

saying them things. I…

- I didn't mean it. - I know.

[laughs] Oh, my God.

- It's fucking old. - That is amazing. Thank you.

- No way. - Shall we drink it?

- Now? - Yeah. Go and put that dress back on.

- Brandy. Made me randy. - Randy?

♪ You got me, babe ♪

♪ I got you, babe ♪

Me and the lads have had a bit of business in the woods.

- We're looking for someone. - I'm at a rave, Vin.

She just turned up in your shed like E.T. did at Elliott's gaff?

- Bizarre. - [retches] Oh, God.

It's awful high. This is basically space.

Ta-dah!

- I don't know. - [wire fizzes]

- Ooh. - [mutters] Fuckwit.

[Vinnie] Look normal.

- Where is she? - Huh?

♪ I got so much trouble in my mind ♪

♪ I got so much trouble in my mind ♪

♪ I got so much trouble in my mind ♪

♪ I got so much trouble in my mind ♪

♪ Give me the strength to carry on ♪

♪ Give me the strength to carry on ♪

♪ 'Cause everything I got Is just about gone… ♪