Original subtitles

[upbeat music playing]

Hmm. Mmm.

[mutters]

- [sighs] - Don't breathe in so much.

- Don't… Fucking breath on you. - What?

- Just onions, innit, and egg? - Yeah.

I had onion and egg for breakfast with a bit of tomato.

It's Mediterranean.

Hush up. Listen. Your breath is terrible now.

And look where we are.

You're such a breathy talker. You fucking… [exhales]

[breathily] Hi, everyone, I am Ashley.

I have had Mediterranean for breakfast.

What am I supposed to have for breakfast?

Fuck off!

Yer man said this was a stupid idea.

One of Tommo's shag wagon...

- Fuck truck. - Erotic parlour.

One of his clients is a very rich Swedish businessman. Right?

And he carries a bag full of cash wi' him, everywhere he goes.

- Including into our sessions. - [man] I'm sorry, Mother.

[Ash] What, you want us to fucking swipe it, mid-spank?

Ow, yes! Yes.

It's a bit more complicated than that, you see.

The cash is very closely integrated into the role-play itself.

It's, er, sort of, Freudian, you know.

However, tomorrow morning,

he's asked for my services in a hotel room, right?

So what I'm thinking is, you lot distract his bodyguard.

[grunting, groaning]

["Pencil Full of Lead" playing]

- You all right? - I think I'm having a heart attack.

[bodyguard yells]

[Tommo] One of you swoops in and nicks the bag as fast as…

Seabiscuit.

- Niche reference. - Horse.

Where will you be waiting until the bodyguard gets out of the way?

Broom cupboard. Do you know what I mean?

- Ash. - Fantastic.

I mean, that's a stupid idea.

It's actually a brilliant idea. Right?

- Yeah. - [bodyguard yelling]

Oh, shit. Let's do this.

- Hang on, dude. Stop! - It's only 1-2 fucking 6.

It's 126, I'm telling ya. Go on.

- Oh. No! Masked invaders. - [Ash] Tommo, what you wearing that for?

[groaning] Fuck! Oh, he's fucking massive!

- [both grunting] - [Vinnie yelling]

No, no. No! [screams]

- There's fucking scented oils. - [Ash] Thomas! Why is he so slippy?

- [man muttering] - Never seen them in my life.

- I've never seen them before in my life. - [Vinnie] He's overwhelming.

What do you think? I can't offer up a dry massage, can I, Vin?

Oh, sorry, boss. Gentlemen, er, carry on.

- [bodyguard grumbling] - Thank you!

[man shouting indistinctly]

- [all shouting indistinctly] - [Vinnie] Get the gun!

Big gun. Bang, bang.

- Big gun. Bang, bang. - It stinks of lavender, man.

- [JJ] You get it? - Hold on, hold on. I dropped summat.

Let's go.

[JJ] One fucking time.

Fucking professional thieves.

["Money (That's What I Want)" playing]

[Pammy] Well, you've joined us at the right time, pet.

I've been managing this centre for 20 years

and we've never had to cut our cloth so tight.

Me and our Ronnie used to come here when we were little.

And there was always some, er, hot chocolate and biscuits.

It meant a lot to us.

That's why I thought it's good to do the fundraiser,

- you know, to give something back? - Oh, yeah.

- Hiya. - Hiya, love.

Hiya.

Between me and you, Erin, love, we're gonna need more than a jumble sale.

I mean, we've barely got enough money to keep this place going,

let alone do it up.

Erin and Ronnie?

- Yeah. - Is Ronnie Croft your brother?

Oh, God. Yeah.

- Why, what did he nick? - [chuckles]

My Ted found him making off with all the toilet rolls a few years back.

- [both laugh] - Well, he tried.

He got locked in over bank holiday weekend, poor love.

Yeah, that sounds like our Ronnie.

- You can't choose your family. - No, you can't.

[Cardi] Do you mean it's where they k-k-keep trees and that?

[Vinnie] It says Marsh fucking Gardens?

[Tommo] Marsh Gardens is a fucking shithole.

[Ash] It is a shithole, and it's also dangerous.

Boiled Ham Sam got nailed to a bench there last Christmas.

[Vinnie] Boiled Ham Sam nailed himself to the fucking bench

because he's a complete moron.

Do you know how it happened?

JJ, do you happen to have a garage cat?

- No. - What's a garage cat?

Well, it's a cat that lives in a fucking garage, in't it?

Well, that's just a cat, surely?

[clattering]

Miaow.

No.

Get a fucking weapon, you bellend.

- [clanking] - Shh!

They fucking know we're here.

Right, now, listen.

If you are a garage cat, you better say summat right now.

Look, no one's gonna hurt you. Just put 'em down.

Put 'em down a little bit. No one's gonna hurt you.

Just, come on out.

Come on.

[gentle music playing]

Sorry, the… the door was open and it's raining, so…

Are you all right?

You lot know Erin Croft, right?

Who's asking?

I'm Amy… Croft.

I think she's my sister.

I've got a sister?

I know. I had no idea either.

- When did you find out? - Two weeks ago.

When my nan died, of cancer.

Well, she had cancer, but then it cleared up,

then she felt poorly so they booked her in for another scan, but she never made it.

Postman spotted her through the curtains, lying there.

I cleared out her bungalow 'cause she was a real hoarder.

I found these letters from my dad to my mum saying

how much he missed his little girl Erin and…

I'm babbling, aren't I? Yeah.

I babble when I'm nervous. Do you babble?

- Yeah. - [both chuckle]

It's just a bit of a surprise to be here.

I can't believe she's got a half-sister.

Oh, come off it. Neil Croft was a prolific vag hound.

Surprised more of his fucking progeny haven't crawled out the woodwork sooner.

I hope you don't think I'm a stalker or anything.

I just… I found you online.

I saw you outside the garage and…

just headed there, but then when the boys got there,

I completely fucking shat my knickers, I didn't know what to say.

[soft music playing on radio]

[slurping]

You do remind me of him, actually.

[Cardi] What do you think they're talking about?

I don't know. It'll be dad stuff, won't it? A bit of common ground.

They've got the same dad?

Yes. I mean, fuck me, why do you think she's here, you dickhead?

That's… I know that, sorry.

Wrong… They've got the same dad, as in, "Oh, my God, they've got the same dad."

"Can you believe… Can you believe they've got the same dad?"

- It's my intonation. - [Tommo] Shut up!

[Dylan] She always wanted a sister, you know, when she was younger.

They seem nice, your mates.

Yeah. They're great.

[quietly] Fuck off.

So, I take it, with the accent, that you're not from round here?

- No. Er, Liverpool. - Mmm.

Erm, I'm staying in a hostel in town, though,

the Hawley Backpackers?

Oh, Jesus. That's a shithole.

That's where I were conceived, you know.

You can take Sugar's old room, okay?

She's still got some stuff in there that she needs to take to JJ's,

so if it gets in your way, just shove it in a corner.

Thanks. This is so nice of you.

Well, I can't have you telling your mates that you met your sister

and she let you get skin mites.

Plus you don't seem like a raving lunatic.

Yeah, well, that's what you think.

- This bag's full of hammers. - Oh, good.

You can hang some pictures up for me, then, can't you?

Er, Tyler?

Plus, being a lunatic runs in the family, so you're all right.

- Right, okay, so this is Amy. - Hiya.

She's a friend, and she's gonna be staying with us for a few days.

- Yeah? - Hi.

Oh.

- [footsteps running] - That's kids for you, innit?

[Dylan] Sorry, why Marsh Gardens?

Because they've had this massive fucking upgrade,

and there's all these rare, exotic plants.

And this year's new centrepiece, yeah,

is Shakespeare's Sister rose bush.

That flower is the most expensive flower in the world.

All well and good stealing it, but let's be honest,

it's not worth anything unless we shift it.

Already sorted. You remember my cousin's wedding?

Well, that was pretty small fishes frying, boys, yeah.

I know plenty of Bridezillas who'd kill for those roses.

- For real. JJ, the golden child. - Yeah.

- The Goodless Squire. - The Goodless Squire's a good one.

Anyway, shut up. Give over.

He's found a buyer, all right? She's a blushing bride.

She's willing to pay up to five grand for three fucking stems.

Jesus's sake, she must be off her rocker, this bird. Five grand?

Yeah. Do you know what, she actually isn't.

And I'm a bit scared of her.

[screaming] This is the biggest day of my life

and you want me walking down the aisle with flowers that look like

they were nicked from a fucking lamp post after a car accident?

- [oven alarm beeping] - Ah. Ah! Ah!

Fuck, quick, open the door, let some draft in. Fucking hell.

- [alarm stops] - Oh, well, that's not ideal, is it?

Are those the cakes for mine and Albie's stall?

No. These are practice ones.

You said you'd come and do my reading with me.

Oh, baby. I need… I need to clear all this up,

and I've got paperwork to do for the centre before your dad gets here.

Can we do it later? Yeah?

Oh, well, I can go and read with him for a bit, if you want.

Yeah?

It's really boring. School gave it me.

Do you like school?

- No. - [chuckles]

[whispers] Me neither.

Have you read this?

Charlotte's Web.

Picked it up at a charity shop.

My mum used to read it to me as a kid.

What's it about?

A spider.

- I bet you're scared of spiders. - No, I'm not.

Hmm, okay.

- But are you scared of pigs? - [fake gasps]

[laughing]

[Tyler] "Charlotte stopped."

"A moment later a tear came to Wilbur's eye."

"'Oh, Charlotte, ' he said,

'to think that when I first met you…'"

[Tyler continues reading]

[whispers] I can't believe how good he is.

I know. He's so good.

- I always worried. - Hmm.

That he'd end up like me.

How do you mean?

Not very academic, you know.

Vin,

he is like you.

But all the best ways.

Hmm.

Tell me some of the best ways.

- What, now? - Right now.

It's very important.

Oh, I have to think, er…

- Can't think of one, can you? - I just need more time.

- All right, handsome? - All right, I'll give you that one.

- Brilliant hairline. - [laughs]

[soft music playing]

[Erin] This can't be right?

No, well, JJ's been and checked it.

He said it needs rewiring, the whole thing needs rewiring,

before it gets a fucking refit, you know.

Right, well,

there's no way the fundraiser's gonna raise that sort of money, is it?

No.

I mean, we'll help.

- But fucking hell. - Hmm.

How's Amy?

Yeah, she's really sweet.

Does she have a mum?

Er, no. No, she died about eight years ago, bless her.

How are you feeling about it?

Well, it is a bit of a head fuck, I'm not gonna lie.

But she's not Ronnie.

- Thank fuck. [laughs] - So…

["Pyramid Song" playing]

[song plays through headphones]

Oh, hey.

- Hello. - Hi.

Oh, er, just, erm…

[inhales deeply]

[exhales]

Coming along nicely.

Er, do you want something?

I was hoping to talk to Vincent.

Yeah, erm… he's… he's… he's busy.

I'll wait.

You can tell me. I'll… I'll pass it on.

- Dylan. - Yeah.

Such a lovely name.

- Lyrical. - Yeah.

Means "son of the ocean".

Do you like the ocean?

I… I don't really have a strong opinion.

I'm a big fan.

Coral.

Squid.

Eels.

I love it all.

- Great. - Do you want a bottle of pop?

No. Thank you.

Can't tempt you?

No.

Yeah, go on.

[unsettling music playing]

Thank you.

[Amy] My mum used to make them and sell them at the market.

But by the time she was retired, she had bloody witchy claw fingers.

Oh, erm… I forgot to tell you, we're taking you out tonight.

Where we going?

Erm, the Vortex Lounge?

I mean, it is pretty disgusting,

but the drinks are cheap and the music's really good, so…

It's, erm…

It's not dressy, is it?

Don't worry. I have a plan.

No.

- Hmm? - Too see-through.

[laughs] This can't be yours?

It's my maternity dress.

Ooh!

Ah, okay, yeah. That is my prom dress.

Vinnie nicked it from this snobby shop in town.

The woman refused to serve me, cheeky bitch.

- I had the money, as well. - So, Vinnie is your boyfriend, then?

No.

- I like this one. - Yes. I love that one.

Perfect.

[Tommo] All I'm saying is presumably, by this point,

Tyler can look after himself, can he not?

[Vinnie] No, he's a bloody child, isn't he?

Listen, it's an opportunity for Dill and Tyler

to just chill out together a bit.

They fucking miss each other. You know what I mean?

- [door rattles] - Fucking JJ.

[rattling]

Do you know what, you fat… I swear to God.

God! Your fucking friend was supposed to have unlocked it.

Darren got the fucking date wrong.

He's read it as month first, day second, like bloody Americans.

- Well, is he American, then? - Is he fuck. He's from Forest of Dean.

[both] Forest of Dean. Nice part of the world.

- Is it? Where is it? - Area of Outstanding Natural Beauty.

You shut up, you.

Now we're gonna have to find another way in.

Get in the… Get in the fucking van, just fucking typical.

- Fucking hell. - Fucking Darren. Darren of Dean.

[Vinnie groans]

- All done. Come on. - Hey, I'm just saying, right.

If I'm gonna be abseiling, in future I'd like to know in advance.

- Yeah? - All right, you, come on.

Look, I… I… I don't want to.

Eh? Cardi, come on, man.

You've been in worse scrapes than this, dude.

I've got responsibilities now. I've got Carol.

I… I… I promised her I'd protect them. My t-t-testicles.

Mate, I'm asking you to climb down a wall, not use your dick as a death slide.

Yeah, but I keep bashing them on things.

- I've seen the doctor about it. - Well, go on, then, what did he say?

He said, "Cardi, stop bashing 'em on things."

- Well, he would, wouldn't he? - Yeah.

Listen, just go and wait in the fucking van, then.

Go and play Snake, or summat.

Are you angry with me?

No, dude, I'm just cross, 'cause you… Because you're sensitive.

- Sometimes you can be hard work. - Very.

I'm coming down.

Good lad. Now, listen, before you do, just be sure...

- [Cardi yelps] - Ohh!

- Nailed it. Come on. - [JJ] Right.

So, there is a groundskeeper,

but he just sits and watches porn in his cottage.

[Tommo] Right. Living the dream.

[rock music playing]

- [all gasping] - [Vinnie] For God's sake.

Fucking look at this place, man.

[JJ] Fuck me. This is amazing.

- Right. The trick… - [slams]

- What the hell you doing? - What the fuck is wrong with you?

- Knobhead. - [Vinnie] Come ahead.

Right. I'll meet you there. I've got some business.

[Vinnie] What business?

You haven't got any business in a fucking Victorian greenhouse, for God's sake.

I have got business, mate.

What… What, is it for the fuck truck?

No, no, no, no. Nothing mucky.

Nothing mucky, right, I've looked online.

- They've got peyote. - Wolves?

That's a fucking coyote, you dickhead.

It's a cactus with a psychoactive compound, namely, mescaline.

Actually, could we take 15? 'Cause I'd love to get some cuttings.

- Would you? - [Cardi] Yeah, I need a poo.

- And you need a poo. - Do you know, all right, fair enough?

Let's just find the reception first 'cause they have them maps.

That way we won't get fucking lost in this place.

They have headphones.

- [Ash] Yeah. - Don't they?

So we'll know what were looking at.

Be easier to find the rose bush!

You fucking idiots!

No, it's a very, very serious robbery, dude.

There's a lot of prep been put into this.

Fucking get your heads in the game. Okay?

- Yes? - Fair enough.

Let's just fuck it off for a bit.

We'll meet in 15 minutes by the rose bush, yeah?

Will you come with me for a poo?

Yeah, dude. Why can't you poo at home, man?

I poo at home. I poo here.

["Liar, Liar" playing]

[Ash] Do you know what exactly we're after here?

I do, yes. We're looking for a type of cactus.

That's not very specific, Tommo? [yelps]

Fucking hell.

- [laughing] - What?

I thought that was some… someone… man just standing there.

- You thought it were a man? - Yeah.

A very thin man going like that.

[in French accent] Ah-ah, what are you looking at?

- Yeah. What is that, French? - Yeah.

- Check this out. [grunts] - Fucking hell.

- Ahh! - Shut up, you dickhead.

My foot's stuck onto it.

- Fucking hell. - Gently!

Fucking Cobra Kai-ing it, you knobhead.

- [yelps] - Fuck's sake. Knobhead.

What the fuck did you expect from that, eh?

Round-housing it, you mad bastard.

I'm wearing desert boots, thought it'd be grand.

It's gone straight through, ha'n't it?

You have to piss on it, don't ya?

Er, that's jellyfish.

That is jellyfish.

["Don't Start Now" playing]

♪ If you don't wanna see me ♪

♪ Did a full 180 ♪

♪ Crazy… ♪

So, let me get this right.

You're married to… Cardi?

That's correct. That prize stallion is off the market.

[all laughing]

And you, you're going out with JJ?

- Yes. - Yes.

And that means I never have to pay for my full body MOT,

if you know what I mean.

Course we know what you mean, now, Sugar, like.

Fucking children on the street know what you mean.

And you used to go out with Dylan, but Vinnie is Tyler's dad?

But that's not a thing any more. That's… That's done.

- Right. - Then, yeah.

So, is there anyone in the group you haven't, like…

[all] Tommo.

- Definitely. - [pop music playing loudly]

[Vinnie] Dickhead.

Christ on a bike.

What have you fucking done to your foot?

He's fine. Aren't you? Might just need a tetanus jab.

I'm not doing any needles. I don't like 'em.

Your foot looks like a bog brush.

Can we just get on with this?

Hang on, now. There's a glass break alarm beeper.

- A glass break alarm beeper. - [imitates beeping]

I know what it fucking means. We're not gonna break the glass.

- [tool scrapes on glass] - [all] Ooh!

[Vinnie] Implements. You know what I mean?

He knows his onions, doesn't he?

He does know his onions, this lad.

- That, actually, quite impressive. - That is impressive.

- [Ash] Come ahead, JJ. - [Vinnie] Go on, JJ.

Dude.

- [Cardi] Magnificent. - Do you know what I mean?

Fucking lads. Do you know what I mean?

Unbelievable, I'm just… I'm wondering, though,

how we're gonna get that rose

through that fucking hole there?

- Shit. Fuck. No, no, no. - [Tommo] That's not good. Not good.

It's bad.

- [alarm blaring] - No! Shit.

- [all shouting] - Run away. Run away.

Someone grab the bush!

["Afro-Left" playing]

[vocalising]

[song continues playing in club]

Yeah, see, he's asleep now.

Now I can relax and enjoy myself.

- Yeah. - [both laugh]

What was he like? Dad?

Er… charming.

Funny. Very funny.

Er…

a total fucking liability.

What was he like with you?

He left when I was born.

Erm, he used to pop round on birthdays.

Or what he thought was my birthday. Mum said he never got it right.

Last time was Christmas, when I was five.

Erm, he gave me a used football and never saw him again.

Yeah, he loved football.

Promised to teach me and our Ronnie, but never got round to it.

He didn't leave because of you, you know.

- You don't know that. - No, I do.

I do because I felt exactly the same.

Until I realised it's never about us, always about them.

Cheers.

He left because he's a shit dad.

But we wouldn't be here if it wasn't for him.

So, to shit dads.

[giggles] To shit dads.

No, no, no. To our shit dad.

Cheers.

[dance music continues]

[all shouting, swearing]

[Vinnie] It's like Narnia. No entry, no entry.

Less of the fucking noise, you bloody lemonheads. Come on.

This is the quickest way, boys.

Just smash our way out the back. Yeah?

Erin was shitting herself.

I thought I'd fucking killed him, that's why.

She went over him a few times for good measure,

just to make sure the job was done.

- Your face! - Right, no, listen, right.

Yes, I accidentally run over his head a few times.

That is true. It's true.

- It was really funny. - It fucking was not funny!

Fucking hell. And then you buried him when he was still alive?

No, no, no. We didn't know he was still alive, like.

We're not psychopaths.

Look, look, all you need to know, right, we didn't… we didn't kill anybody.

- [all shushing] - Shush.

So, Keithy's fine, then?

[all laughing]

[JJ] It was roped off because it was poisonous.

Oh, no, no, no, no. The door, the door.

[JJ] It's basically roped off because it was poisonous.

[Vinnie] Oh, man, my knees!

- They're on fire! - [Ash] It burns so much.

[JJ] Wait, will you?

Lads, this is worse than crabs.

Oh, fuck me. Oh, shit!

You lads have fucked with the wrong guy

at the wrong time… with the wrong rose bush.

Eh? Who the fuck are you, dude? What you wearing, man?

Camouflaged with bloody hi-vis. Do you wanna be seen or not?

Shut up, you fucking… front. Give us the bush back.

I'm dead sorry, man, I'd love to, but we really fucking need it, man.

Don't want you to give me it back anyway.

'Cause it means I get to use… this.

Oh, fuck me. Hey, oh.

- That's a flashbang? - Yeah, it's a flashbang.

- Dude, that is a flashbang. - Where'd you get a fucking flashbang from?

This? I got it from Bitcoin, motherfucker.

- Bitcoin, what's he on about? Dickhead. - From Bitcoin?

- It's a crytocurrency, in't it? - [Ash] Paid for it with Bitcoin?

- It's a currency, a basic exchange. - Bitcoin isn't a shop.

You just Google it.

[JJ] It's like an anonymous thing. It's quite fun, actually.

Anyway, shut the fuck up! It's not a tea party.

I'm a badass motherfucker. I'm about to blow your asses up.

I don't think you are a badass motherfucker.

I mean, you might be a bit of a strange young man.

Shut up, man. I'm badass!

- You're not badass. - I am fucking badass.

- [flashbang clicks] - It's going down.

- I don't think you should throw it. - [JJ] No, no, no!

[hissing]

- [high-pitched ringing] - [Vinnie] Fucking hell! Arnie overload!

- [high-pitched ringing] - [muffled shouting]

[guard] Not so fast. Oh, I made a mistake.

Ahh!

- Hello? Hello? - [Vinnie] I'm here.

Take that bush. Oi.

- Are you all right? I'm here. - Hello?

- Oi, oi. - [panting] I've fucked myself.

- I know. - I've totally fucked myself.

Oi. I know you have.

- Fuck off. Fuck off! - What you slapping me for?

I'll chop you the fuck back. Oi, settle down.

- Summat's burning. I can smell biscuits. - Listen.

- I can't hear. - Listen. It'll pass.

- Eh? - It'll pass. You'll hear again.

- I can't hear anything? - I know that. It'll pass.

You want my address?

I don't want your address. Get hold of that.

I tell you what. I can't taste anything.

Oh, God.

Fucking hell. What would Andy McNab do?

I'm sorry we're leaving you like this, man.

This is not how we like to do it.

[guard] Oh, fucking hell.

I've just done my territorial application.

Have you? Just… Fucking hell. Let's just leave him.

- Don't tell anyone about the grenade. - [Vinnie] I won't.

All right, cheers, lads.

- [Vinnie] All right, dude. Sorry. - Bring it home.

- Bring it home. I'm on a beach. - [seagulls cawing]

I'm a seal on a beach. Think of your training.

I can feel the water on me fins.

Oh, so good.

[laughs]

- Sorry. - [Carol] You're one of us!

Babe, I hate that dress.

[both laughing]

Did you have a good night?

I've had the best fucking night.

[all cheer and laugh]

- Oh, shit. - Oh, no.

Not in the chips. Outside, outside.

Don't you nick my chips, you cheeky bitch.

I will eat your chips, you cheeky cow.

[Carol] Pavement pizza, is it?

Oh, my God.

How come you haven't got a hangover?

Honestly, I feel like a bomb has just exploded inside my head.

I don't think I've got anything left in me.

[groaning]

Oh, I hope you don't mind, Tyler said he wanted some sausages.

- There's plenty left? - No, no.

I just want a cup of tea and I want some paracetamol.

Oh, let me.

In that cupboard there, next to the plasters.

So, is Amy my aunty?

Yeah. Yeah, she is.

Brill. Her sausages are well better than yours.

[laughs] Oi.

Cheeky thing. Go and pack your school bag. Go on.

I still haven't sorted out Tyler's cakes for the fundraiser.

Well, you've got me to help.

Although I am absolutely shite at baking.

Spoken like a true Croft.

No, I just hate letting him down, you know?

I told you not to call me at work, you stupid cow.

Oh, my God.

- Do you know him? - No.

Amy?

["I'm in the Mood for Ska" playing]

♪ I'm in the mood for love… ♪

[both laughing]

♪ Simply because you're near me… ♪

Go, go, go!

♪ Funny, but when you're near me ♪

♪ I'm in the mood for love… ♪

Last one.

Hmm. I've got summat for you.

♪ Bright as the stars We're under… ♪

It's Dad's old wallet.

I mean, he was an arsehole, but you should have something of his.

- Are you sure? - Yeah.

That's Dad with me and our Ronnie in Blackpool.

[whispers] God, we loved it there.

[gentle music playing]

Thank you.

You okay?

[sighs] Yeah.

It's just weird, you know, seeing him with another family.

- Come here. - Mmm.

["Daydream" playing]

[indistinct chatter]

Pass me that over there.

Oh, he's done it!

♪ Dreamin' 'bout my bundle of joy… ♪

Fuck you, Linda.

It's three quid to get in, Vinnie.

- No, dude, no. - Three quid.

It's not… I… Listen, now. You listen here.

- I've been out to get drinks. - Are you gonna pay up?

Or do I need to get management over?

You're a piece of work, Linda! A piece of work.

You're a…[chair buzzes] …piece of… [chair buzzes] …work,

you… [chair buzzes] …knobhead.

- You love me, really. - I do love you.

Bring me a lemonade when you're done?

No.

Get your lovely fucking chickens!

Fresh eggs in the morning and all that shit.

Oi, stop shouting fucking "chickens."

There's one child right there, you dickhead.

And you can't sell all these chickens for 40 fucking quid?

40 quid each.

You can't sell a chicken for 40 quid, dude. It's ridiculous!

- Chickens for £40? - Oh, come ahead.

I've been after some chickens.

I grow my own potatoes.

Of course you fucking do.

And I bet they taste fucking magical.

Now, then, you're gonna need at least six, if you wanna do this proper.

Because chickens are pack animals,

and you don't want them pining for each other.

I don't need any specialist equipment, do I?

For chickens? No.

They'll be happy in a cardboard box in the garage.

Well, I have both of those.

- So I'll take all six. - [chuckles]

- Do you take cards? - Cards?

Do I look like a fucking pop-up taco van?

No. Great British pound notes is what I want in my hand,

not some piece of fucking plastic made in China

that tells Bill fucking Gates

and them other space cunts when I last had a pint and a pasty.

I'll, er, pick them up later.

Thank you, sir.

Fucking easy.

Fucking gobshite.

Hey, his chickens are cunts.

Oi, his chickens are cunts!

Stop shouting "cunts"!

That cunt started it.

[Cardi] Fuck, bro, this looks really depressing.

- S-S-Suspiciously Cheap Meat? - It's a joke.

Because I'm an undertaker.

So they'll think they're buying burgers made of dead nanas.

And have you sold much, have you?

None.

It's not lucky, then, is it? Gross.

They're not really made of n-nana mince, though, are they?

Do you know what I mean?

Actually d-don't answer that. We'll have two.

- What's this, your mince bag? - Mince bag? Mince bag?

What the fuck is a mince bag?

Who puts an entire human amount of mince into a bag?

Think about it.

It's a…

- Body bag? [laughs] - There you go.

Don't just go senselessly naming things. Mince bag? Fuck me.

All right. It's still a weird thing to bring to a fundraiser, innit,

you know what I mean? It's a body bag, dude.

Look at Pat.

She's fucked.

There's business everywhere, my friend.

Business everywhere.

- Don't you throw cheese at me! - Throw cheese. Throw cheese at him.

- Get away from me, you dick. - I'm taking a doughnut.

What you talking about? That's bread.

Fuck off! Fuck off!

- Going home to do an omelette. - [all laughing]

Fuck you, Gary.

It's ridiculous. That one's got a sore arse.

Vin.

Oh, you made it.

Of course we did, Sandra. Wouldn't miss it for the world.

- Why are they here? - I don't know.

Our Barry loves a tombola.

- Won a whole Dundee cake once. - [Pammy giggles]

Shit.

- [Carol] Great success. Great success. - Oh, yes.

- Thank you very much. - Thank you very much. Thanks, Ames.

How much did you take in the end?

Er, £1,532. 20p and three buttons.

- What arsehole gave you three buttons? - Who do you think?

- Shirley? - Yep.

- Oh, prick. - I know, dickhead.

- [clattering] - Oh, shit!

Oh, Sugar!

What's that? Amy and your dad?

Except it isn't, is it?

What's going on?

Have you been lying to me?

[tense music playing]

No, I…

I… I didn't know, and then…

I saw the photo in your dad's wallet.

Wait a minute. So, you saw the picture of my dad,

you realised it wasn't the same guy, and you didn't say anything?

No, it wasn't like that. I tried...

You could have told me the truth, but you… chose not to.

No, I tried, but Tyler was there and I was…

- I wanted to tell you, but I… - See, I trusted you.

I let you into my home,

round Tyler, and you were taking the piss out of me.

I just…

I didn't want it not to be true.

Well, it's not true, is it?

You're just some fucking stranger, aren't you?

Why, why have I got such a shit family? Seriously!

I've got a shit dad, shit brother, shi…

shit…

shit you.

[Vinnie] Oh, you fucker.

- What the fuck is that, JJ? - All right.

You said you wanted Shakespeare's Sister roses!

In a bouquet, you melt, not the fucking shrub.

I'm getting married in three days

and I don't need this kind of fucking stress! Arsehole.

Dude, you've just gone all Deidre Barlow, you're that cross.

Chill out a bit.

He's worked his arse off getting these roses here.

Yeah.

His thigh beard and gooch is just riddled in rash.

Terrible, it's fierce!

Yeah. All right, mate, listen.

- Let me just handle this. - Very sore.

Okay. Hey, do you want them or not?

No.

Vin, will you pop in Barraclough Road into the sat-nav for me, please?

Absolutely, I will.

- Barraclough Road? - Oh, yeah.

Shivani Paswan wants a look-in as well.

That little bastard. No chance. How much?

It's five grand, like I said.

And I want everything, even the roots.

She's not growing her own bush

and waving it about at my baby's Namkaran Sanskar.

- Hurry up, then. Move! - All right, Uncle?

[Vinnie] She's fucking horrible, dude. You poor bastard.

[Dylan] Yeah, she's here in the park.

Right. See you soon.

[sighs] Vin's on his way.

It's good news, though.

He's got the money for the community centre, so…

That's good.

You contemplating your life choices?

No, not really.

Remember that story that I told you?

When I was little and my dad asked me what I wanted for my birthday.

Do you remember what I said?

- Baby sister. - [scoffs] Yeah.

Yeah.

Obviously, it was never going to happen, I mean,

he fucked off, for God's sake.

[sighs]

But Amy came along.

And suddenly it didn't…

It didn't matter, you know, how much of a dickhead he was,

when I was growing up.

Because at least my dad gave me her.

Are you positive that Amy just didn't make a mistake?

You know, it's not like none of us… have ever made mistakes before.

I just let myself believe it, you know.

Just got carried away with the whole thing.

That's what I'm saying, this random moment has happened

and you've gone with it. It's a good thing, you know.

You found this girl, you wanted her to be part of your life.

It's not a mistake. That's a connection with someone.

Do you think she's gone?

Well…

there's only one way to find out.

Coming?

Erm…

nah, you should go with Vin.

I'm gonna take a walk.

Okay.

[soft music playing]

[sighs]

[Erin] Two min.

I've called a taxi. I'll be out your hair soon.

Come and wait inside. It's freezing.

Come on.

I swear to God, I thought you were my Erin Croft.

Your dad's name was Neil. You were the right age.

We look alike.

It was only when I saw the photo, I…

I realised I'd got it wrong.

When I first found out I had a sister…

I kind of imagined what she might be like.

And then I met you.

And I just… I couldn't believe how lucky I was.

After having no one.

I'm really sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm not the only one in this, but I made it about me.

And I shouldn't have said the things I said to you.

I was a dickhead.

I was scared and defensive.

You don't have to leave, you know.

I don't want you to leave.

I don't wanna leave either.

[sighs]

But there is another Erin Croft out there and I want to find her.

She's the only family I've got left.

I wish you were my real sister.

Me too. Come here.

[car horn honks]

Come on.

Amy?

You might not have any family here now… but you do have friends, okay?

Thank you.

Oh, will you, er,

give this to Tyler when he gets back from Albie's?

And this is, erm… This is for you.

Thanks.

Look after yourself, yeah.

Thanks.

["Pictures of You" playing]

♪ I've been looking so long ♪

♪ At these pictures of you ♪

♪ That I almost believe That they're real ♪

♪ I've been living so long With my pictures of you ♪

♪ That I almost believe That the pictures ♪

♪ Are all I can feel… ♪

They run a murder mystery night once a month,

you'd have access to the entire house.

These are solid. Ahh!

You're all playing fucking parts here…

He cries when he masturbates.

Could he be the murderer?

I'd like you to host a poker night for some friends of mine.

Sod off. Sod off! Leave me alone!

A secret book door.

- Don't panic. - I'm just gonna...

♪ I got so much trouble in my mind ♪

♪ I got so much trouble in my mind ♪

♪ I got so much trouble in my mind ♪

♪ I got so much trouble in my mind ♪

♪ Give me the strength to carry on ♪

♪ Give me the strength to carry on… ♪