Original subtitles

[tyres screech]

The Psychic Vine. What the fuck does he want to meet us here for, eh?

- Fuck knows. - Mmm.

Did you not ask him?

No. It was fucking via text, weren't it?

Via text, he says,

as if it's not possible,

to pose a question through the medium of the typed word.

It is fucking hard to pose a medium through a…

- I'm fucking bad, I'm dyslexic, aren't I? - You are, you are.

- Do you know what I mean? - That predictive text shit.

Does my fucking… Does my head in.

It's like when you… you messaged me. "Been to see Tyler and Erin."

- "So glad to see their smiling faeces." - [laughter]

Oh, fucking hell, here he is.

- Shit! - [Davey] Vincent. Thomas.

You all right, Davey?

You brought the weed?

- Yeah. - Ask him, then.

No, you fucking ask him.

[Tommo] Ask him.

Why are we meeting outside a crystal bollocks shop?

Clara Marie. My clairvoyant.

- Clairvoy… - Clairvoyant?

Clairvoyant.

["Money (That's What I Want)" playing]

♪ The best things in life are free ♪

♪ But you can give them To the birds and bees ♪

- ♪ I need money ♪ - ♪ That's what I want… ♪

[Clara Marie hums and murmurs]

[blows raspberry and sniffs]

Oh, yes, I am seeing… a fruitful partnership.

I'm seeing wealth and prosperity.

Your business interests are getting stronger.

Oh, but wait. There's betrayal from…

a bald man.

[Clara Marie inhales]

Hmm… Oh, no, wait. It's fading.

Ooh… No. It's not strong.

Wait. Oh, where are you going, you shit?

No, come back… Hang on.

Wait.

Sorry. No, it's fucked off.

Did you not get anything?

Well, there was a man… on the floor. Possibly the bald man.

And it felt like… it was the last day of his life.

- Did it? - Thank you, Clara. As always.

- Right, Vincent, you're up next. - No, no. No, thank you.

I appreciate that, but I'd rather my future be a surprise.

We're both good. Thank you.

- I'll go. - No, no.

Be my guest. Thinning a bit up on top there, Vincent.

Right. Okay.

Fucking hell! Good God, man! That's disgusting.

["Double Barrel" playing]

That's good. That's very, very good.

Nice one. Thank you very much.

I don't want to patronise you, just take your time on it.

- It's pretty strong stuff, to be honest. - Calm down.

So, tell the boys the plan.

The plan. The plan? Oh, the plan!

My partner's best friend, Manolito Calvo,

is having a party tomorrow night at his marvellously stupid house,

and he is looking for a new supplier for his online weed operation

that's currently turning over two million a year.

- Fucking hell. - I propose… [sniffs]

I propose…

See what I mean? Do you see what I mean?

No one ever listens to a fucking word I say.

Vincent!

We are gonna go to this party, all three of us,

so cancel your plans and dress flamboyantly.

- Is there any other way? - [chuckles] Beware of the bald man.

Just get her a Calippo, she's in a bad way.

Come on. Still got half a brew.

- Put the fucking brew down. - [wind chimes tinkle]

Balding, not baldy.

Oi! What the fuck is going on here?

You know full well!

The council wrote to you.

- When was this? - Months back.

Shite, shite, shite, shite.

Farms have to adapt.

We're like sharks, we've got to keep moving forward to survive.

Just fucking talk normal. What are you building?

Petting zoo. And cafeteria.

- A fucking petting zoo? - And cafeteria.

Google it, children, alpacas, bouncy castle, cake.

And Google this, "Farm owners rolling around in money."

£2 for a bucket of carrots.

They'll be paying me to feed the animals!

- You can't just fucking… - What?

We share a road.

I don't want it clogged up with four-by-fours

and pony-faced fucking cunts bringing their fucking kids

to stroke bastard guinea pigs.

Jealousy, jealousy. You should have thought of it first.

While I'm lounging around on my yacht, you'll be over there,

shovelling cow shit.

Oi! Paslowski! Are them immigrants?

We fucking left! You lot shouldn't even be here!

Carry on, lads.

- [Erin] Come on. - Oh, get on with it.

- [Dylan] Ohh! - [all cheer]

They wanted flamboyant, and fuck me, did we give 'em flamboyant.

I like it. I think you'd suit that, JJ.

I'd rather fucking die.

Well, sweetheart, before you do, grab your car keys,

'cause you're driving us there.

I feel like a complete fucking dick. Have I overdone it?

- Do you want an honest answer? - Not really, no.

- Right, well, you look great, then. - You're a knobhead! Dick!

- Avanti! - Fuck!

- Vin? - What, love?

Be careful.

I'm not happy with you getting in bed with those idiots.

Don't worry about me. I'll be fine.

- Well, I… - You're gorgeous.

Bugger off.

- What the fuck? - No, no, not you.

What you got there, Cardi?

This is a present for you, f-for us.

Present? Mighty. What is it?

Well, now that we are married, of course,

and I know we got the dog and a pigeon and a llama and that,

but I saw this on eBay and I thought it would be good p-practice for when we…

For when we what?

Oh, Jesus Christ! What the fuck is that?

Is that a baby simulator?

It burps, cries, pisses, it even shits itself. It's amazing.

You've gotta wear one of these, so that when it cries,

you know which thing it is that needs attending to.

But you can turn it off, if you don't want to...

No, no, you can't turn it off. It stays on.

It's got a chip in its head and it's designed to act like a real baby.

We get a report at the end of month,

telling us what to improve on for when we do it for real.

Oh, my God, I love it. Can I hold him?

- Course you can. - Be my guest, Sugar.

Be careful with the head.

Asian. Asian baby.

You couldn't have bought me a fucking handbag or something?

- You look delightful. - Overdone it.

Look at this bullshit here.

- That's, er, a gay icon. - Is it? That's fucking Vladimir Putin!

Vladimir Putin, mate,

bare-chested, on horseback in the Siberian wilderness,

has brought plenty of men to completion.

That's a cartoon. Betty Boo's a cartoon!

Betty Boo… Betty Boop.

- Jazz Age lesbian. - Look at these here.

Vincent. Thomas. You made it, then.

Don't you look marvellous.

You fucking tricked me, man! I look like a knobhead.

You're wanted.

[Vinnie] Holy fuck, dude, check this fucking place out, man.

He's got his own pool. He's got a fucking maze.

He's got a maze! What kind of man has a maze?

[laughs] Here they are. You all right, lads?

[speaks Arabic] Welcome, please, er… do join me.

- It's wet and it's warm. - That's how I like it.

I'm just gonna have a minute. Just gonna take...

- Get in the tub. - I assume you've brought the sample.

Yes, yes, I have, yeah.

But just go easy on it when you smoke it. It's fucking strong stuff.

Clara tells me it's the finest weed she ever smoked.

Well, you know, let's not oversell it.

It's excellent, Manolito.

What you saying, then? Willies in or out?

- As nature intended. - Why even ask?

You don't have to ask me twice.

How much of this can you supply?

We do a reasonable amount already. It's just fucking space.

- As much as you need. - Whatever.

- I need a lot. - Then a lot is what we will give you.

- Isn't that right, Vincent? - Yeah… Yeah, yeah.

This is very, very good. I'm certain we can do some business together.

- Fantastident. - This calls for a top-up.

Oh…

Oh-ho-ho!

Fucking, your garden, mate, it's unreal. You've got a maze, man!

I have a man that looks after it.

What about them outhouses down there? What's in them?

- That's my zoo. - You haven't got a zoo?

Absolutely zoo. It's my special exotic animal zoo.

- You want to see it? - Fucking right we do.

We'll go. Jason! Tyler! Bring me the robes.

- [Vinnie] Dude! - Hello, Carol Basking.

'Cause she like to, er, bask in the sun.

[laughs]

I'm a bit like Dr Dolittle.

I talk with the animals, walk with the animals,

grunt and squeak and squawk with the animals.

[Vinnie] This is amazing.

♪ People ask us Can we speak Rhinoceros? ♪

♪ We'd say "Of courserous" Can't you? ♪

[laughter]

- I like this guy. - I know you do, sweetheart.

These are my pride and joy.

See this guy? Horatio. My personal favourite.

Is he happy in there?

Shouldn't he be out, you know, swinging about, wildebeest, all that?

They love it here. Love it!

They demand a lot of attention and I give it to them.

- Here. Watch. - You're gonna get him out?

Horatio?

[speaks Arabic]

Come on. Very good boy. Isn't he a cutie, huh?

Bloody hell!

See, he does as Daddy tells him to do.

[speaks Arabic]

Oh, dude!

- It's a good look. - Is it? Does it suit me?

- I'll tell you what, you look regal. - Ah, he likes you.

I fucking like him, man.

- He's so fucking cool. - [Tommo] Fantastic.

They are, er, like my children, and I love every last one of them.

There is one animal I would like to show Vinnie, alone.

How about me and you go for a little drink, Thomas, hmm?

Go on. Where's this animal?

I like a man with tattoos, Vincent.

I find it, er, very erotic.

- And I think your face is very, very cute. - Oh!

I know you're not gay, I am not gay.

I go left, I go right. Animal, mineral, vegetable…

I like what I like.

Deep inside, every man is a little bit gay.

Er…

Do you know, I'd be inclined to agree with you, actually.

- I reckon you're right. - Good.

Whoa. Where you going?

Mate, listen, we can't be sucking each other off, bruv.

Do you not think it's just better, just keep this…

just keep this strictly business?

- No. - No. I don't.

You don't wanna do that? Okay. Tom?

["Riot Rhythm" playing]

- [gunshot] - Fuck!

- Who's there? - [gunshot]

Fuck.

Come out or I'll have no option but to carry on shooting.

Fucking hell.

What the fuck are you doing here?

Stopping you and all your immigrant pals

from building a fucking illegal petting zoo.

And cafeteria!

And fuck… cafeteria.

And it's not illegal. Permission was sought and granted.

- Ha-ha! - So dance, monkey boy, dance.

Stupid blonde arsehole!

- Ha! - Argh!

Argh! Me foot!

- Jim? - Call an ambulance!

Shit.

Stupid Polish cunt! Ow!

Bang out of line, this. Bang out of line.

See you, then.

- Nice lads. - What ha… What happened?

I'll tell you what happened.

- He says… - [keypad beeping]

"Let me suck you off. Deal done." That's what he says to me.

Can you believe that fucking shit there?

- Did you not let him? - Course I f…

Course I didn't let him suck me off!

Why the fuck not, Vinnie?

Two million quid? Are you fucking joking?

- Couldn't you just let him get on with it? - Think what you're saying.

You're having a fucking laugh, man!

You shouldn't have to let someone suck you off

to get a fucking deal done, gay, straight or otherwise.

Violated in an exotic zoo.

- Fair point. Yeah. - Come on.

We're fucked now, aren't we, eh? MacDonagh's gonna flip his lid.

How the fuck are we even gonna get home?

I tell you what, if he's fucking stupid

to turn down high-grade weed, then that's on him. On him!

And I'll tell you something else an' all.

- I'm nicking that fucking zoo! - You what?

I'm nicking the fucking zoo. I'm nicking it!

Fucking flip flops! What's the point?

Fucking Polish prick shot me in cold blood.

This is the thanks you get for letting 'em come here,

for making 'em welcome in our green and pleasant land.

They take up arms and shoot you through the metatarsical.

You didn't exactly welcome him, did you?

- Anyway, he was born in Barnsley. - Not the fucking point.

I'll tell you what the fucking point is, Captain Haddock.

You fucking knocked over his petting zoo, you knob.

- And cafeteria. - And his cafeteria, you fuckwit.

And now he's put a fucking hole through your foot.

How long's it gonna be before that's sorted out?

- Six weeks. - Fuck me.

Who's gonna milk the cows? Who's gonna feed the pigs?

I'll be destitute, and he'll be living it up on cunt's carrot cash.

- We could help out, couldn't we? - Ooh…

It's a kind offer, but it's hard work, man's work.

- Is it? - Listen to him.

The fucking asthma wizard of the north.

Giving it big licks like it's a fucking hard job.

We can do it, can't we? If you can do it, we can do it!

[baby simulator cries]

She needs changing. Excuse me.

Right. Well, that counts him out. But the rest of you...

Hang on, hang on. I mean, I'd love to, obviously, Jim,

but, er, I am in fact the proprietor of a mobile erotic parlour

and I mean business is, phwoar, oooh… [laughs] It's booming.

- Yeah, and I'm running a garage. - I'm in the pub most days.

Yeah. I… have to go… move…

Help move some cloth over at…

It'll take all my strength to move that there.

Fucking hell!

Honestly, I can believe his

and I can believe his and I can believe his.

But yours just went on and on, with zero fucking commitment.

You don't even believe your lie!

You're all fucking doing it, every one of you.

Man, woman or tiny plastic foetus covered in fucking weird hair,

we're in it together.

Now you, tell me what's involved, come on.

- You'd do that for me? - Yeah, I would.

- I don't want to do that for you. - I'm touched. You're good friends.

Just keep your hands off my food

and don't be looking in my bedroom drawers.

All right. Now, I do have to look up your urethra.

Because the nurse… I promised the nurse.

I just gotta get through the pubes.

["Chain Gang" playing]

♪ I hear something saying ♪

♪ That's the sound of the men… ♪

[baby simulator bawling]

Hey!

For fuck's sake, can you look at it?

It says on Jim's shitty instructions, do it firmly!

JJ, I'm doing it firmly!

I don't wanna fucking hurt her boobs, man. You know?

- Here you are, check this out. - [women squeal]

[baby simulator cries]

Cardi… Cardi, are you gonna help us or what?

Dude, she needs feeding. Then she needs winding.

Where's Carol? Can't Carol do it?

Carol did the fucking night, she's exhausted.

[snoring]

It's just a fucking doll! I'm gonna throttle him!

I'm gonna throttle him, Dylan!

♪ My-y-y-y ♪

♪ My work is so hard… ♪

[all shouting indistinctly]

Lord God, Jesus Christ,

it's fucking hard work, innit? Eh?

I've got new-found respect for that skinny little twat.

He does this all on his own.

I can't do this any more.

- Me neither, lads, I'm exhausted. - I think I've got an idea.

Didn't Jim say Shirley was building a petting zoo?

And a cafeteria.

Fuck me. And cafeteria.

- And? - Back in half an hour.

Shall we put a brew on? We'll get a brew.

- Cardi, come and have a brew with me. - I'll take her.

- No, I've got her. I've got her! - No, it's all right. All right.

Ho-ho! Watch out, JJ, looks like Sugar's getting some ideas there.

We're having unprotected sex, actually, twice a week.

It's a bit like Russian roulette, but no gun.

Just a penis and a vagina.

This is Manolito's massive stupid house.

This is his massive stupid garden. Guess what? It's got a fucking maze.

- A-maze-ing. - Dickhead.

Now, that's the zoo. That's where the cretins are kept.

But how are you gonna get a dozen animals out of there?

It's not a problem. Boxes, cages, that kind of shit.

This is my problem. I don't know how the fuck to get in

this massive perimeter bloody hedge fence thing.

If we do manage it, at the back, there's a gate.

That'll only open from the inside, yeah, that's our way out.

Can I just say, for the record, and I want it put in the minutes,

I do not approve of the aforementioned exotic zoo heist.

Yes, me neither.

Stealing fucking zoo animals never ended well for us.

I'll tell you the reason we're doing it.

Is because, A, these animals are worth a fucking fortune.

- B, he's a knob. - He is.

- And three… - C!

It's fucking C. A, B, C, in't it?

Not A, B, three. Can no one stick to a simple fucking system?

- It's A, B, C, in't it? - Well, fucking three, then!

- C! - C, then!

Fucking C, C! C!

Just fucking see what you've done. I've just forgotten everything!

- What the mucky fuck is up with that? - Christ!

- Cardi, give it here, let me change it. - No, Tommo…

Hey, Cardi, Cardi? Cardi? Cardigan?

I'm very good with children, aren't I?

- Come on. There we go, lovely. Aw! - Get the head. Get the head.

I've got it. Don't worry. Then you just go…

- Tommo! - Avanti.

What is wrong with you, you fucking monster?

Given it something to cry about.

He's learning to parent, you dick!

Hang the fuck on a minute. Am I in a fucking parallel universe?

Am I the only one who can see the massive fucking elephant in the room,

sitting here drinking a cup of tea with us?

Carol is nearly 50. Who the fuck's he gonna have a baby with?

Shut up, you dickhead! What do you…

You've just slam-dunked his Asian baby on a fucking ammo crate!

He's trying to be a dad

and we have to break the shit to him gentle.

Honesty is the best policy.

He's got more chance conceiving with Alison, the fucking sex doll.

All right, just shush. What kind of a maze is it?

What do you mean, what kind of a fucking...

- What is it made out of? - I'll tell you what it's fucking…

Trees, bushes, fucking hedges. It's a maze!

That's a-maze-ing stuff!

- Fuck dude. Shit! - Well, dude, there's your answer.

Over the hedge and into the maze.

As luck would have it, I'm fixing this contractor's van,

the one that fixes street lights, I can let you lot up and over.

- 'Ey up! - [all] Ahh!

Oh. He's very good. Very good.

♪ Very, very sexual ♪

♪ Very, very sexual ♪

♪ Very, very sexual ♪

♪ Very, very sexual ♪

♪ Very, very sexual ♪

Voilà. All right, problem solved.

- Who are they? - What? Hired help.

Say hello to Codrin and his mates.

- You all right, Codrin? - Hi. Jim'll lose his mind.

What Jim doesn't know won't hurt him.

Where have you got the money? How will you pay?

Profits from the intended sale of the exotic animals.

Hold on. Who the fuck is gonna buy these buggers anyway?

- Exotic animals? - Yeah. Exotic animals.

Do I look like a bloke that deals in exotic animals?

No, you look like the walking embodiment of gout. [laughs]

What are they?

Different types. Bloody monkey thing.

There's a massive emu. There's a bleedin' skunk.

When was the last time you seen a skunk?

- I'm looking at one. - Fucker.

They're worth a fucking fortune, is what I'm saying.

If you can find a buyer, I'll cut you in. How's them apples?

- 50-50. - 50-50?

Are you out of your fucking mind?

10% is what you can have!

10%? That hurts, Vincent. Have you heard this, Calvin?

- That hurts. - All right, then. 15. 15%.

- I think it's angina. - I fucking wish it was.

- Shall I call an ambulance? - Pain's going down me arm.

All right, give over. 20%, that's fair.

Fuck off, Dan! 25.

I'm not going lower than 25, you cunt.

Oh, Mummy. Daddy.

- Are you dead? - [groans]

Oh, no, whatever will we do, Calvin?

He's finally passed away from being an horrible cunt.

- 30%, and that's me going out on a limb. - Fuck!

[phone keypad beeps]

[ringing tone]

Cardi, what's up?

- He's leaving now. - Right, roger that.

He's wearing s-snake-skin shoes.

Is that fucking relevant?

No, not really, no. They're nice, though.

Jesus Christ! Right, you lot, let's get going.

[platform whirrs]

Hey, hey, hey. Jogger, jogger, jogger.

- Pretend like you're doing something. - Doing something? Doing what?

Hello, yeah, all right?

- Evening. You all right? - How are you?

It's looking good.

- I think that'll do. - It's a bit high.

- Hurry up, will you? - You do it! You're bigger than me.

You're already up there!

Be careful now, man.

I can't believe we're lobbing ourselves over a fucking hedge.

Just shut up, it's the only way in, dude!

- [groans, thud] - [all] Oooh!

You all right?

Brambles just break the shite out of me undercarriage!

- He's not selling it, is he? - Fuck me.

[clanking]

- You all right? - Yeah.

- Urgh! - Shut the fuck up.

The secret to finding your way out of a maze

is to put your hand on the right side, keep touching it

and choose a direction.

- Which way? What? - Left.

- Left. - Go right.

- Fucking brilliant. Tommo? - Fucking left.

- Left, it is. - We'll go left, then.

- This isn't left. This is right. - Fuck me!

Hold, hold, hold.

I'll just give Carol a call, see how baby's getting on.

[line ringing]

Fuck's sake.

She's fine. How many times are you gonna call me?

Is she sleeping?

She is. I put her down about an hour ago

and then I took the dog out for a walk. I'm fucking exhausted.

Wait. You put her down and you left her in the house

- while you took the dog out? - That's right. She was fast asleep.

Carol, you can't leave a baby unattended in the house.

- What if something had happened? - Like what?

Like… Like…

Like a fucking f-fire… or someone stealing her…

I don't know, Carol. But that's one of the rules.

I'm back now and she's fine there.

I have a nice glass of wine on the go.

[laughter]

- W-What's that noise? - What noise?

You're in the pub, aren't you?

No, no. I'm at home, I swear to God.

That's the telly that you hear in the background.

No, no, no. Carol, you can't be getting wasted.

- I'm coming home. - What?

I-I-I'm coming back. She needs her fucking father.

Fuck's sake, he's coming back, get them into you.

[Sugar] Oh, shit!

Fucking hell.

- JJ? - Yeah?

I'm going home, mate.

- What? - I'm going home.

Mate, you can't just fucking bail. We need your van for the animals.

Well, they can travel in the transit, can't they?

I've got responsibilities, JJ.

Something you lot can't seem to get your heads round.

Cardi, you can't… Are you being fucking serious?

Wrong way. Go back, go back.

Go on, get down there.

- [groans] - [Tommo] Vinnie?

[Vinnie] What the fuck are you doing?

- Where's your mam gone? - Where the fuck did you come from?

Right. This is it, then.

This is how we die, in't it? In a fucking hedge.

They'll find our dishevelled corpses over there by some cages

and a fucking stun gun.

It's an ornamental maze, innit?

In a sex maniac's garden. We can get out of this.

Oi, you, get the fuck up there. Go and see if you can find the exit.

- Why me? - 'Cause you're the lightest one.

Get the fuck up there, dude.

Fine. But I want it taken down in the notes

I'm not fucking happy about it.

He's gonna have to go on someone's shoulders. He's ever so small.

- Just lift him up! - [mobile rings]

- JJ. - Where the fuck are you?

We're stuck in the fucking maze!

You just listen to me. Get them fucking vans ready.

[Tommo groans]

I've gone hedge blind over here.

[Vinnie] Can you see the fucking way out?

I just need to get a little bit…

- Argh! - [clatter]

- You got a light? - I'm trapped in brambles and thorns.

Help me, then! Help me, you dickheads.

Right, someone's gonna have to save the saviour.

[Tommo groans]

Ow, you're fucking right up my arsehole.

[groans and grunts]

[moans]

- Oh! - You all right?

Fuck me. Look, the exit's only two turns away.

Thick!

["I Want Candy" playing]

[animals squeaking]

Fuck me, look at the size of him.

[animals screeching and squealing]

- [mobile phone buzzes] - [Ash] What?

It's fucking Calvin. Knobhead.

Come on, let's get the fuck out of here.

- [birds cooing] - Come on, come on.

Ash, Dyldo, you go with JJ. Tommy, get in the fucking van.

♪ I want candy… ♪

Fucking hell!

Wanted one fucking night off.

One night I just wanted to feel free. Is that too much to ask?

You're a mother now, Carol. No one said it was gonna be easy.

It's all about self-sacrifice.

[baby simulator cries]

You see what you made me do? Is it dead?

It's not fucking dead. It's…

[mumbles, farts]

Whack her in there, she'll be fine.

Now it's shit itself. Well done, Carol.

- Fucking hell. - It's not the fucking only one.

[doorbell buzzes]

- What do you want? - What do you mean, what do I want?

I've got the animals for you and Dan.

He's not here.

- What d'you… - I tried calling you.

What do you mean, he's not here?

- Where is he? - He's gone home. Buyer pulled out.

What the fuck? Calvin, why didn't you say?

I tried calling you, you didn't answer!

Because I was fucking stealing 'em, Calvin!

If you'd answered your phone, you'd know that we didn't want 'em.

I couldn't fucking answer the phone,

because I was stealing the shagging animals.

Why couldn't you have left a fucking message, like a normal human being?

Because I don't speak to machines.

Course not. Why would you? You… fucking machines.

Get back fucking… inside.

All right, Tommo?

Are we done, then? Get these dickheads out of the van.

We can't because Chinese Dan has gone home

and the fucking buyer's pulled out.

Calvin. Did you not think to tell us?

Because I have had the night from hell!

I called him, he didn't answer.

- Did you try leaving a message? - I don't speak to machines.

They're all recorded. Them messages are on the system.

Don't speak to fucking machines!

Now my trainers are wet, you cunt.

What we gonna do now, then?

'Cause I've got a van load of exotic, and going by their behaviour,

extremely fucking sexually charged animals in there.

It's not my problem.

But if you wanna get out of them torn clothes, you can come inside…

But it's not the moment for it, is it, Calvin?

Will you knob off! Go on, get gone. Get out of it, you pig.

Sexual predator.

- He is a fucking predator. - [phone rings]

- Shit! Fuck me, it's Davey MacDonagh. - Argh! Fuck! They're gonna know.

How the fuck would they know? Just settle down a bit.

Answer it, then.

- Maybe you answer it. - It's your phone!

Fuck! Just chill out, just chill out,

[bird clucking]

- Hello? - Vincent.

Despite the fact that you fucked the whole thing backwards,

- I've managed to save the deal. - What do you mean? Sorry?

I've been with Manolito for dinner and I've smoothed out your fucking mess.

The weed deal's back on, so don't fuck it up again.

- Toodle-oo. - Toodle…

He's gone. He's gone. Fuck!

- What does that mean? - How much cocaine have you done?

- Get in the shagging van. Come on. - Fuck!

Can't we just un-steal them?

What, go back through that maze? Are you joking?

Thanks for bailing.

- The baby needed me. - The baby was fine.

The baby wasn't fine, Erin. She was in an uns-suitable environment.

She didn't cry once.

Look, why don't we just take 'em back to Manolito's, yeah,

hold our hands up and be like, "I'm sorry for the aggravation"?

Shit idea. Fucking terrible idea.

What you talking about? Fucking idiot.

Think about what you're saying. Sorry.

We've stolen all of his exotic fucking monkey children!

He won't want to go into business with us now.

No. We need to just get shot and pretend none of this ever happened.

Can we not just find a new buyer?

Must be plenty of people who want an emu, an iguana,

a skunk, a bunch of doves and a tiny monkey with a horrible attitude.

Hang on.

Shirley is trying to create a petting zoo.

- And cafeteria. - And a cafeteria.

But there's loads of petting zoos. Why don't we make it more exotic?

- Ooh. - What, like with tits and that?

Oh, animals, yeah.

- Voilà! Eh? - Fucking hell.

It's impressive, innit?

Robbed, are they? Where've you lifted 'em from?

Listen here. I fucking resent that.

We have just lost a very near and dear friend.

- [Tommo] Well, friend of a friend. - Yeah, an acquaintance.

From a long illness drawn out.

- Gastric. - Gastric.

Issues. Intestinal. Yeah. Gangrene.

Stop! Stop making fucking words.

Now, his family didn't know what to do with all these tropical cunts.

So I've been a good lad and I've taken 'em on.

- How much? - Some rare animals in there, Shirley.

I'm not messing around with you, now, that's a fucking skunk, right?

I don't want that monkey.

- Reminds me of me Uncle Cyril. - Just fuck the monkey.

Everything in there, bar the monkey, best offer, dig deep.

- Two grand. - Two fucking grand?

What are them numbers?

What are them numbers, eh? After the impassioned speech

I just give you about dying fucking boys and that.

- All right, all right. Three. - Three!

I could put them online and get 15 bags all in for that shit.

- Go on, then. - I fucking well will!

- Whoa. Wait. - Get him. Get him.

No. Shirley. Shirley, don't. Just come back here a minute. I'm sorry.

I'll sort you out. 15, that's fair.

- Four. - Four?

You dick. Fucking… 12!

- Four. - Nine and a half.

Four. And that's my final offer.

- Five and that's… - Six. That's my final.

- Five. - Fuck!

- Nailed it. - [phone rings]

What does this fucking old cunt want here? Shit!

Jimbo?

Oh! Hey. All right, lads?

What the fuck have you brought a monkey for?

Brought him to cheer you up.

Keep the fucking stupid thing… Ow!

I've been out two seconds and I've nearly dislocated my fucking hip.

Listen to me now. Seriously.

You're not going back to the farm today.

It's not good for you. Shirley's up there with his petting zoo.

- And fucking cafeteria. - And the cafeteria, dude.

You can't go back, it's too stressful.

Tell him, will you?

You need to convalesce, Jim. Do you know what I mean?

- You need to conva… - Convalesce.

You need to convalesce, Jim.

Come stay with me for a bit in shack, love.

In that shitty shack?

You haven't got a shower.

- I'm not sharing a bed with you, Vin. - I don't wanna share a bed with you!

With your shit pube face, you do my fucking head in.

Get in the fucking van.

Hey, it's not that bad in here, is it?

It's quite cosy on the inside.

Cosy on the inside. Like a womb.

It's nothing like a womb.

A womb is full of amniotic fluid, basically, six parts baby piss.

Shut the fuck up. Listen, it's good for you the woods.

It's gonna take your mind off Shirley and that petting zoo.

- Yeah, and cafeteria. - And the cafeteria also.

Now, have you got everything you need, you?

- What's the Wi-Fi code? - Listen to him. What's the Wi-Fi?

You think you're in a Travelodge or summat, this man,

do you know what I mean?

- Come on. Good lad. Yeah. - [Vinnie] Right.

And bring back a change of clothes.

And don't be rooting in my bedroom drawers!

No one's going in your bedroom drawers, you fucking old turd.

I wonder what's in them.

- I dread to think. - [Ash] The mind boggles.

Ooh!

- [Ash] Who's this? - Davey and Barry MacDonagh.

They've got that weird cunt with the animals.

- Go hide the monkey. - Hide it where?

Hide it in the laundry basket, or some shit like that.

- How's it going? - Vincent.

Hey. It's nice to see you.

I'm really sorry about the other night.

What do you know about my animals, Vinnie?

Yeah. You showed us the other night, didn't you?

- There's been a theft, Vincent. - Ooh!

Of the fucking animals?

- Which ones? - All of them.

- Oh! - Now, let's just stay calm, shall we?

I very much doubt that Vincent would be stupid enough

to steal your exotic animals.

- Isn't that right, Vincent? - Yes, that is right.

I would never be stupid enough to do such a thing.

I'm heartbroken. They're my children.

Especially Horatio. He's my favourite.

You were the last person to see them

and you left my party in pretty unhappy circumstances.

Really, guys, I'm not that type of lad.

I'm not a type of person that'd come back and steal

all your lovely animals, just as petty revenge, for fuck's sake.

Check his home.

You'll only find a pissed-up old farmer in there.

Now, see what I mean?

Afternoon.

- Where are my animals? - Animals?

We're just sitting here chilling, watching YouTube videos.

There's a lovely Brazilian hip-hop version of Haddaway, "What Is Love?"

- You'd better not have them, Vincent. - I don't, I swear it.

[Manolito whistles]

[whistles]

[speaks Arabic]

[whistles]

[speaks Arabic]

[Vinnie] You've got the wrong guy.

I wanna do business with you, that's fucking it.

I don't wanna nick your bloody animals. Christ.

Okay. But can I trust you?

Fucking yeah, you can trust me. Ask anyone round here.

- [Ash] I'm not anyone… - Christ.

I wouldn't trust him in my house on his own, not near my drawers.

He's a right nosey bastard.

Syphilis. It's fucked his head up. Don't listen. Ask anyone normal.

- Not anyone. - Fuck's wrong with you?

- [speaks Arabic] - Alas, guys, come on.

We got a deal here or what?

- Okay. - Sick!

- [monkey squeals] - Oh, fuck!

Go!

[van horn blares]

[horn honks]

Shirley?

- Shirley? - What?

Fuck. Shirley?

Shirley, I'm fucking sorry, man,

I'm gonna have to ask for them animals back.

- Too late, I've sold 'em. - What the fuck do you mean? When?

- Just now, he's just left. - Fuck!

I thought you wanted them for your dickhead petting zoo thing.

Went online. You were right. Collector he is.

Earned a nice little profit.

"Earned a nice little profit"? You shit dickhead!

- Ashley? - Always me hair. Always me hair!

We need to follow that van!

["Laura" playing]

Here we go!

- Ooh! - [tyres screech]

- [baby simulator cries] - Don't fucking kill us, Vin!

- Fucking hell, was it Cardi, that? - Yeah, it was.

Hurry up, they're getting away!

The fucking baby, Carol, you didn't strap her in!

Oh, I got distracted!

- You're a terrible mother! - Oh, really?

Well, I mother you, don't I?

You're like a grown baby man, Cardi.

You'll be better off without us, then.

Yeah, I fucking would.

♪ Sh'mon, sh'mon ♪

♪ Where is your love? ♪

♪ Don't you give me your love… ♪

Here we go. Here we go. Tell 'em.

- It's an emergency! - Pull over!

[tyres screech]

Fuck me! No, no, no. Get in here, you big, you big shit.

Listen, we just go easy on 'em.

They've done nothing wrong. We're not gonna hurt 'em.

They've bought the animals in… in good faith.

- Yeah, just be reasonable. - Just be fucking reasonable.

Just be reasonable. All right, lads, I'm ever so sorry.

- What the fuck are you doing, you goons? - I know, I'm sorry.

You nearly had us off the fucking road.

- What about that chat we just had? - They were rude.

Why do… Why do I get the big one, dude?

Right, you get in t'Rascal. What you doing, dude?

- Making them bum. - Don't make 'em…

Don't make 'em bum. Get in the fucking van.

Not this van! That van there!

Driving side, Ashley! Shit!

Fuck's sake, dude.

["Liberty Belle" playing]

♪ You know I love that violence That you get around here ♪

♪ That kind of ready-steady violence ♪

♪ That violent "How do you do?" ♪

Cheers, mate!

Ladies.

Oh, shit.

Who the fuck are they? Ow!

♪ Just like you, man is on the nod, yeah ♪

♪ What you gonna do about it? ♪

Now then, bredren. Super scary, dude. It's mental.

Get the fucking animals up, quick! Don't let anyone see you.

- What the fuck are them gloves, bruv? - What do you mean?

- Got to be protected, man. - Got that? Yeah.

[squeaks]

Fucking hell. They can't stay here, Vin.

Obviously they can't!

- This isn't a permanent solution, is it? - [phone rings]

It's Davey MacDonagh. We are so fucked.

"We"? This was your fucking idea.

I am just a simple bystander in this fucking bullshit.

You were involved, is what you were. You helped us break in, you dick.

Whoa, whoa, whoa! What did I say about stealing animals?

- It always fucking goes wrong! - You did say that.

You're right. You're fucking right. Shit!

It's a fucking learning curve.

But right now, what are we gonna fucking do with all these?

- Can I keep Horatio's twin brother? - No.

Wait, right, he knows you've taken 'em, so the deal is fucked anyway.

Show him your honour. Just take 'em back.

Tell 'em you only nicked 'em because of how he treated you.

- Be honest, basically what you're saying? - Yes!

- It's not a bad idea. - Thank you.

I'm just gonna suggest… leverage.

- Oh, for fuck's sake. - Fuck, Vin!

We need a fucking dealer, and he wants his exotic animals back,

do you know what I mean?

- Let's just cut the bugger a deal. - He may cut your balls off.

He called them his children.

People will do anything to get their fucking kids back.

- Look at, erm, Liam Neeson in Taken. - And Taken 2. And Taken 3.

- How many fucking films are there? - Too many Takens.

This guy's a bit bloody unlucky.

First it's his fucking daughter, then his wife.

- I haven't even seen the third one. - Both with the third one.

Christ! You forget that these are deeply implausible Hollywood films

and Davey could fucking kill us!

Fuck me. You're right, he's right. As per fucking usual. Dylan's right.

[groans] Leverage. Leverage! Leverage!

We're doing leverage, fuckers.

Right, milking's done. Cleaning's done. And all your cattle are in the field.

And we've organised your bottling shed.

Yeah. This place is in a better state than what you left it in, Jim.

That doesn't make it right.

I left my farm in your English hands,

and from your manicured English hands,

you have handed it across to all and sundry...

They're just people, Jim, from a different country,

and they're hard-working.

They're prepared to do your shit work for low wages while you're incapable.

Codrin.

Ah, yes, Codrin, Danut, Livue.

- This is Jim. - Hello, Jim. Cozonac?

Where are you from? Fucking… Transylvania?

Yes. But not worry, we're not Dracula.

- [hisses] - [chuckles]

Where's that prick O'Neill?

What do you want, you foot-shooting twat?

What are they doing here?

- What's it to you? - They're my workers.

They're part of the team on my petting zoo.

- And cafeteria. - And cafeteria.

Well, they're my fucking workers now.

So take your stupid blonde hair and get fucked.

- Your fucking workers? - My fucking workers.

- They're my workers. - My fucking workers.

They're so good.

Oh, yeah, yeah. They'll be here for a while.

[Jim] My fucking workers!

- [lock beeps] - Come through.

- He wants to see us in the maze. - Why does he wanna meet in a maze, man?

- That's a shite place for a meeting. - Not an a-maze-ing place to meet!

I do not like this. I do not like this one bit.

- It's all right. Chill. - Just remember how to find your way out.

'Cause that worked well last time.

[thunder rumbles]

Well, well, well. If it isn't the exotic animal thieves.

- We're, we're sorry about that. - Give over, Dill, you tart.

Now, honestly, we did. We stole your fucking animals, in petty revenge,

because you were a bit of a knob. But, look, look, look.

If you want a deal, you can have every single one of them back.

And you can have them back this very evening.

That sounds fair to me.

- That does sound fair. - And who's going to suck my dick?

- Are you? - Er, now!

- How about you? - It's not the weather for it.

Can we not just park the dick sucking and talk about business?

Come on, man.

The business end of things has been taken care of.

- Isn't that right, gentlemen? - What's he on about?

- Fucking hell! - Beware the bald man.

You've broken my fucking trust, Vincent,

and that is a cardinal fucking sin.

You give him the animals back and you grow weed,

but let there be no doubt, you are a fucking marked man!

Sometimes in life, metaphorically, and actually,

you have to suck a dick.

[thunder rumbles]

["Easy" playing]

♪ Nothing in the middle But a bare-knuckle fight ♪

♪ You're dizzy all day Looking side to side ♪

♪ And they've shouted all your life ♪

♪ No, it's not easy, kid ♪

♪ No, it's not easy, kid ♪

♪ We're all living day to day ♪

♪ Trying to get along together… ♪

So, I got the, er, report back.

And, er,

it says we are unfit parents.

But… I think…

if it were a real baby, we would have treated it better.

Like, if it were real,

I don't think Tommo would have chucked it across the barn, do you?

Unlikely.

I'm sorry… for saying you're a terrible mother.

I'd not slept and I were g-grouchy.

But I've been thinking, right,

and I think… when we have our own…

when we have our own…

we'll be much better than we have been with Matilda, no?

- Matilda? - Matil…

That's just the name I gave her in my head.

You know, Cardi,

erm…

I'm not the spring chicken that I used to be, you know.

And time…

Time is not as kind to a woman.

Right.

What I'm trying to say to you is, Cardi, that…

if you want to be a father, right…

If it's something that you…

If it's something that you truly want to be…

then maybe you're not with the right woman.

No, I only want one with you.

What if I can't?

[sniffles]

We've always got the d-dog.

- And the pigeon. And the llama. - And the pigeon. And the llama.

I don't need a baby.

I need you.

- [baby simulator cries] - Oh, fuck!

[chuckles]

Barry?

Barry?

What?

Where the fuck have you been?

Ahh!

- Yer man said this was a stupid idea. - That's a stupid idea.

- [wails] - Oh, no! Masked invaders!

You know Erin Croft, right?

- Who's asking? - I think she's my sister.

To shit dads!

- [both giggling] - Go, go, go!

One stem can fetch up to five grand.

Argh!

- Watch this… - [groans]

- It's going down. - [JJ] No, no, no!

[hissing]

♪ I got so much trouble in my mind ♪

♪ I got so much trouble in my mind ♪

♪ I got so much trouble in my mind ♪

♪ I got so much trouble in my mind ♪

♪ Give me the strength to carry on ♪

♪ Give me the strength to carry on… ♪