Original subtitles

[whooshing]

["White Rabbit" playing]

[Vinnie] Ooh… Jesus. Fucking hell.

- I forgot you were there. - Yes, dude, listen to this one.

In Switzerland, if you have a guinea pig, it has to have a pal with it.

Can't be on its own because they're social animals, you see?

They get lonely, so it's illegal to keep one on its tod.

No, it's a nice gesture, but doesn't exactly exonerate

the Nazi-banking cunts, does it?

Wonder if one of them guinea pigs could ever be like me,

just bit of an antisocial pig.

You know, who doesn't wanna be around all the other guinea pigs

- 24-fucking-7, for God's sake. - [coughs]

[clears throat] What, because of your… your social whatnot?

You're a bad doctor.

Excellent doctor. Got my diploma to prove it.

Where the fuck's my diploma?

- Adyan Khan. - What?

Adyan Khan, man. He's a fucking patient.

- Adyan Khan? - Yes, he's nicked it.

He sold it to Unit John, who owns the chippy.

Fucking boss-eyed little twat.

[keyboard clacking]

Right, Vinnie, standard procedure is to address the root cause of the anxiety.

So what's making you anxious?

- A fucking million things are making me... - Just tell me one of them.

All right. Everything's just…

Everything's so expensive. I'm just not even enjoying myself.

Yeah, no, I've got nothing. Give me something else.

Erm… All right.

Perfect example. Going camping tonight with my knobhead mates.

We're in the middle of fucking nowhere.

This is not a treat for me, you know what I mean?

I'm just a fucking walking contradiction.

I'm lonely, yet I can't stand being with people. They…

Well, maybe the fresh air will do you good?

Fantastic.

Thank God you're here.

- Fucking fresh air. - Listen to this. This'll cheer you up.

Is that Adyan Khan?

Hi, Adyan, it's Dr Chris here.

Adyan, there's no easy way of saying this, really, but your tests have come back.

Let me put it this way. I wouldn't bother booking a holiday next year.

You'll get in some shit for that.

I think you'd better come in. All right, bye.

["Money (That's What I Want)" playing]

♪ The best things in life are free ♪

But how? How did he manage to fuck up a job working a stop-and-go sign?

[Carol] Ah, it was just the pressure just got to him.

He got confused, and now Francis is after skinning him alive.

He's a very sensitive fella, now,

so just mind you what you be saying to him, like.

What's this?

Cardi. He's lost that job I got him with my uncle on the roadworks.

- Your Uncle Francis is an absol... - Shh…

'Ey up, man.

- [Carol] You all right, love? - Yeah.

- Do you want a drink? - No.

What time do you call this? I said two o'clock.

Hey. It is not my fault. It's bloody chaos down that big posh school, man.

Huge crash down by the roadworks.

Absolute nightmare. You should've seen it.

Massive pile-up with a hearse and the whole funeral procession.

Coffin came out of the back and everything.

[Sugar] I've heard that school has got a sushi chef.

What?

I fucking hate that school with a passion, do you know that?

- The kids there are all cunts. - It's an absolute piss-take.

The community centre gets pushed back on every grant we apply for.

- Them twats get sushi chefs. - [door opens]

[laughs]

- We all ready to go camping, then? - [laughter]

- Where's all your gear? - We're not coming.

- Why not? - I'd rather get a UTI.

It's gonna be the usual mayhem with you lot.

It fucking ain't gonna be the usual mayhem with us lot.

It's gonna be magical, and it's gonna be whimsical.

["These Boots Are Made for Walkin'" playing]

[laughter]

Bring it on. Laugh it up, you rancid bunch of dickheads.

Well, at least one of us is prepared for the wilderness

and her many, many challenges.

You look like Ray Mears crapped out a Borrower, you cunt.

- Where's Ashley? - Having a poo.

- Having a poo? - Are you wearing that, love?

Yeah.

What the fuck are you lot up to?

So, it's replacement work on the power grid.

They're upgrading the cables or something.

♪ And now someone else Is getting all your best ♪

♪ These boots are made for walkin' ♪

♪ And that's just what they'll do ♪

♪ One of these days, these boots Are gonna walk all over you ♪

What the fuck?

So within that one-hour window, they cut the power to the area,

okay, they replace the cables, and then they restore the power.

- [Vinnie] Oi? Oi. - All within an hour?

All within an hour.

Fucking giggling about? You look like you're fixing to do a job, you lot.

What's going on?

Big posh school is getting its power cut off tonight for an hour.

No CCTV, no alarms, nothing.

Who's fucking robbing it, you lot?

Thinking about it.

I just… I thought you were bang against all that kind of shit.

Thieving, yeah, I am, generally.

But this is redistribution of wealth.

Yeah, all right, but it's just… that's an ambitious job, that.

- Wait till we come back. - What for?

- We're professional thieves, aren't we? - [laughter]

[Carol] That there is a bit of a stretch, now. Professional!

I just don't want you to get fucking nicked, do you know what I mean?

The reality is, you lot are more likely

to get in shit camping than we are robbing that place.

How do you figure that out, smiling dickhead?

We will see!

- Yes, we will see. Yes, we will see. - We will see.

- We will see. - I'll fucking see.

I've got one word for you. Keithy McBride.

It's fucking two words!

- He's a prick. - [all exclaim]

- [horn honks] - [engine starts]

[Vinnie] Let's do it, lads.

- Fucking hell… Where the fuck's Ashley? - [tyres screech]

[Cardi] He's still pooing.

♪ You gotta go where you wanna go ♪

♪ Do what you wanna do ♪

♪ You don't understand that a… ♪

[laughter]

Failure to prepare is preparing to fail.

You mark my words, I'm a man who does not fail.

- Is that a Cubs thing, or what? - Fucking Cubs thing, Ashley.

The Cubs…

are a bunch of slags and posers. A real man sets his own challenges.

- Didn't you get kicked out of Cubs, Tommo? - Yes, he got kicked out.

I left the Cubs of my own accord.

Yeah. After they told you to fuck clean off, you did.

What did they do that for?

Fucking pushed Marie Bennett into an electric fence. She went flying.

[laughter]

Anyway, by that point, I'd outgrown the Cubs, thank you.

You didn't outgrow that bloody uniform, did you?

[cheering]

- [rumbling and clattering] - Fucking hell! Vin?

- Oh. Fuck my arse. - [hissing]

- [Vinnie] Right, come on. - [yells]

[Vinnie] Oh. Here we go.

Oi, oi, oi.

- The fucking hell's wrong with this now? - [Cardi] It'll be the carburettor.

It'll be the carb… You don't know about carburettors.

- I do. - [Vinnie] Come on, JJ, what is it?

What's that?

- It's the thing… the… - The… the little door.

Fuel tank?

Correct, and what does a fuel tank smell of?

Cars?

- Fuel. - [hesitates] Ah, petrol! It's petrol.

Correct. It smells of petrol.

Fuck me, that's a diesel engine!

Correct answer 'cause some dickhead has put petrol inside of it.

Argh!

You've fucking ruined that now, you dickhead.

You put petrol in a diesel van?

- You said put 20 quid in. - Of diesel.

- Isn't diesel just a nickname for petrol? - What does that even mean?

What's the difference between petrol and diesel?

- There's a fucking big difference, Cardi! - What?

You know… Fucking different names and that.

Yeah. Different! Different smell… Smell different.

They make them perform differently, or in this case, just not at all!

It's to do with the combustion within the engine.

Thank you.

- Honestly, stop and go… - [van door closes]

…diesel, petrol.

I can't keep up with all these fucking terms!

Right, it's at least four miles back to that petrol station,

then we'll have to wait for a tow truck. However…

if we cut across these fields and up that hill,

we can get to the hiking trail that leads to Stenner Bluff.

- Two hours, and we're where we want to be. - Oh, my God!

We pick up the van tomorrow. How's about that? Everybody on board?

Follow me, dickheads.

[shrieks]

- Dickhead. - [Vinnie] Come on.

[yelps]

I'm all right! Dickheads. All right.

- [reversing beeps] - [Carol] Oh, Jesus Christ, Cardi.

- Oh, shite. Fuck. Keep going. - [Francis] Carol.

- Keep fucking going. Jesus Christ. - Carol! Carol!

Roll down the window. Roll it down.

- Roll it down. - Oh, how's it going?

You see what that idiot boy of yours done? A hearse! A fucking hearse.

I tell ya, he's gonna need a fucking hearse when I sees him.

Oh, Jesus, no. It's a situation, so it is. Ah, but he's devastated, Francis, yeah.

Where is he?

Ah, he's off now with the lads, camping. A few pints, you know?

- [horn honks] - Fucking camping?

He gets to go camping, and I have to tidy away all this shite?

- Mmm. - A stop-go sign. That's all he had to do!

Stop and go.

- How did he fuck up that so bad? - Do you know what, Francis?

- How's it even possible? - I don't know, but listen to me now.

I think it was all just a bit too much for him, you know?

Come here. Do you want to buy that stop-go sign back off him?

Because I don't think he'll get much use of it now.

I'll tell you… I'm gonna shove that stop-go sign

up his fucking hole sideways when I sees him!

Hours behind we are, because of him. Hours!

Ask him how far behind, exactly.

In terms of when the power's gonna be shut down, like…

What time will that be now?

We've put it back till 8:00 p.m. 'cause of that gaybag.

Oh, is that definite?

Yeah, 8:00 p.m.

- And it'll be off for an hour, will it? - Aye.

Oh, okay, so. Smashing. You mind how you go, won't you? See you.

- Who put out the flaming bollards? - [horn honks]

I told you, you lazy sons of bitches!

Fucking… [groans]

[Cardi] Tommo, can you take a turn carrying food for a bit, mate?

[Tommo] No can do, sweetheart.

As I've told you before, I'm a man who sets his own challenges.

So I am on a foraging mission, living exclusively off the land.

- Take these, for example. - [Vinnie] Tom. Tommy.

Don't… don't just eat a random fucking bush,

just 'cause, to prove a point. You know? Could be anything.

That, right,

is what the supermarkets want you to think. Yeah?

Nature provides everything we need. These are perfectly harmless, yeah?

But you've been conditioned to think the only things you can eat

are fucking processed shit wrapped in single-use plastic.

Oh, you di… You didn't have to do that.

Do you know what I mean? Just gotta go organic, yeah?

Mmm. Good, are they?

Erm… They are actually, yeah.

- Might have another one. - Don't have another.

You're just trying to prove a point on a random bush.

[stomach rumbling]

- It's even better, that one. - How is it better? How have they improved?

Just gonna… wash it down. Knock it back with a bit of…

Yeah, knock it down… with a fucking load of cocaine.

That's what survivalists do! That's how, erm…

D-Dylan! Fuck!

Whoo! Woo-hoo!

Dylan, why do you have to fucking whoop like an American?

You're gonna be paranoid in five minutes, doing everyone's fucking head in.

What are you on about?

He is referencing the time when you barricaded yourself

into the fucking toilets at Harley's thing.

Are you still on about that?

No, there was something… something up with the gear.

The fucking club, man, was intense.

A club? It were a christening, you fucking idiot!

- Was it? - [Ash] A community centre.

[Vinnie] Yes, a community centre christening.

Fucking… What does it matter? We're out in nature now. Come on! Whoo!

You're gonna be miserable.

Don't tell me any of your fucking woes now. Seriously.

[brakes squeak]

[Francis] Lads, enough fucking daydreaming…

["Ah Bah D'Accord" playing]

Fox one in position. Over.

Fox two in position. They're about to cut the power. Over.

Fox three in position. Over.

Fox three, what's with the pram? Over.

It's my cover.

I'm a foreign au pair working here locally for a very wealthy couple

who've been working away for ten years in Hong Kong.

Ouch! Over.

[phone rings]

[Vinnie laughing on phone] A hearse.

That's the funniest thing I've ever fucking heard. You guys.

Fucking hell. How you getting on, love, you all right?

- You having a good time? - Oh, it's bloody brilliant fun. Yeah.

- Yeah. We're having a good 'un. - No incidents to report yet?

- No, not… not yet anyway. - No one's done anything stupid?

- No, no. - Hey, get off. Get off!

- [groans] Yes. - Fucking dickhead.

- About nine quid's worth, that. - And the van got there all right, did it?

- Yeah. - Ah, that's funny, that,

because JJ texted Sugar saying the van broke down.

- Come on, come on. - Fuck off.

[laughter]

He'll be winding her up, you know what he's like.

- [beeps] - Oh, hang on, hang on.

Dylan's just posted a picture of him and Tommo.

"Hashtag camping bros."

And there seems to be a lot of white powder round their noses.

[laughs] Dylan on drugs.

- You are in for a night of it, you are. - Listen, he's not had that much.

- He'll be fucking fine. - Well, I hope you're prepared to babysit.

Because let's be honest, it ain't gonna end well, is it?

Oi. You stop worrying about mine. You just worry about your own job.

Now, like I said to ya, when things inevitably go wrong,

just do what you can to not to bury anyone alive.

[laughter]

That ain't gonna get old, is it?

All right, well, have fun looking after your coked-up mate

who can't handle his drugs. Bye-bye!

Fuck! Fuck!

[chuckles]

Dickheads. What's the fucking deal?

Why are you all texting the fucking girl… Shit!

- [mechanical whirring stops] - [Erin] Power's cut.

All right, foxes. Let's go.

["Daddy Issues" playing]

Go, go, go.

[all] Ooh!

Go!

[Erin] Where the fuck is she?

Ooh.

Jesus, Carol. Where the fuck are ya?

Oh, come on.

We're cutting it fine. Shit!

- Where is she? What's she doing? - I don't know. I don't…

Carol! Carol!

- [door opens] - ["The Ecstasy of Gold" plays]

They're fucking triple-quilted, like!

Come on, run!

I've never felt anything like it in my fucking life, girls.

- [music stops] - [beeping]

No alarm.

- No alarm! - [cheering]

♪ I'm gonna phone Vinnie ♪

- ♪ I'm gonna phone Vinnie ♪ - ♪ I'm gonna phone Cardi ♪

[phone rings]

- Oh… - What?

What?

- Oh, shit. - [Vinnie] You all right, love?

- Tell me you didn't. - Oh, fuck.

I think I dropped it when I was using the toilet.

No! Fuck sake, Carol!

Yeah, I dropped my phone, I did. I dropped my phone.

[chimes]

Hang on. Can they trace that phone back to you, though?

Er… the photo!

There's a photo of all three of us posing with the frigging security guard.

- Don't be a thick, Sugar. Fuck. - Fuck's sake.

Get me the crowbar.

[Dylan] How do you not know that?

- Everyone around here knows that. - Knows about what?

- About the Lawler Hunting Party. - What the fuck?

- Social media slags. Myspacing and sh... - [Ash] Are you serious, though?

- You're not winding me up? - It's a fact, dude.

- It happened in them woods down there. - What happened?

- The Lawler Hunting Party. - [Cardi] They all disappeared.

Six people went hunting in them woods down there,

and then… vanished into thin air.

They found one lad naked and disorientated.

Ashley, sweetheart, don't be getting upset about it.

- It's just a fucking wives' tale. - It's not, it's an historical fact.

There's a display about it in the library.

- Library. - All right, listen to this, yeah?

Winter of 1927, the group were last seen entering the woods upon the hill.

Villagers reported hearing screams in the night

coming from the vicinity in the weeks that followed.

Two weeks later, on February 12th,

20-year-old apprentice gamekeeper Thomas Dylan

was found clinging to the branch of an ancient tree

in a catatonic state.

Well, we've all been there, haven't we?

Jesus Christ.

He remained that way and was held in an asylum

until his death in the 1950s!

Isn't this also close enough to where Adyan Khan was chased by that pigman?

- [Cardi] What's a pigman? - Well, maybe…

it'll be a pig with a man's head, won't it?

No, no. It's the body of a man with the head of a pig.

No, no, no, 'cause I heard he also had…

the nipples.

Dude… Now… now you see what you do…

You've really fucking made him cry there.

This is you, Dylan. Has he had more cocaine, this wanker?

- No. - Yeah, he has.

Get your fucking shit together, right now. Break time's over.

- Now. - Fuck off.

[Vinnie] I'll take the food, man. Oi, stop texting the fucking girls.

[Cardi] Is it much further? I'm really tired.

As the crow flies, Stenner Bluff is about a mile in that direction.

- Through them woods? - Yes, through them woods.

Are they the woods JJ was talking about, with the Hunting Party and that?

Oh, no, that's a classic horror film mistake, that, lads.

Yeah, guys, wait. We can't be taking the piss out of them woods.

Listen, we just got to stick to the straight paths.

No one is taking the piss out of the fucking woods.

We're supposed to be having a good time, boys.

Right. All those…

who are not gonna shit their pants in the fucking woods, follow me.

They're just woods. They're just woods.

[eerie music playing]

Come on.

[bird caws]

Tom? You look like shit, dude. Are you all right?

No, no, no. I am absolutely fine, thank you.

- [stomach rumbling] - Tom?

- [farting and stomach rumbling] - Hey. Shh, shh. Did you hear that?

What?

Exactly. It's like the whole place is dead.

It's like a tomb. No, don't… Please. Don't, man.

- [electrical buzzing] - Hey. Hey. Hey! Do you hear that?

Yeah.

It's like whispers in the trees or something.

Whispering trees?

- Did you not hear it? - No, no, I think I did that time.

Yeah, no. I heard it. It were like whispers, weren't it, Dill?

Dyldo! Oi!

Are you fucking frightening all them lads?

You know Ashley's sensitive, with your paranoid bullshit.

- [Dylan] It's all right. Sorry. - Fuck.

Does my head in. Tom?

- Dill? - [yelps] Huh?

- You all right? - Yeah.

How many nipples does a male pig have?

- What? - [Tommo farts]

[Vinnie] Oh, gross, dude. Tommy, 'fess up. You've got diarrhoea, bruv.

- Have I? Fuck. I'm foraging, aren't I? - You are not foraging.

You had all them fucking berries we begged you not to eat.

Now you've poisoned yourself. You've got terrible diarrhoea!

[hesitates] No, I haven't. I'm forag… Ah! [farts]

- Ooh. I'm telling you, I saw something. - Oi!

It was a robed figure.

What are them twats doing?

[farts] Oh, God. [grunts]

- [squelching] - Ooh.

[bird caws]

[chimes]

- [Sugar] Ow. Watch out. - [Erin] Shh. Quiet.

It's not me. Carol keeps sticking her arse in my face.

I think you'll find it's you sticking your face in my arse.

- [clanging] - [Sugar] It's your own fault, Carol. Argh!

- [clattering] - [Carol] Fuck!

Now, how much longer are we gonna be trekking on like knobheads for?

- I dunno how that map's helping you. - Vinnie. Vinnie.

It is very complicated, right? I have to triangulate stars…

- Well, what's the compass for, so? - The compass, thank you for asking,

is for finding the sun and stars and that, in't it?

- [sniffs] - Fuck off, you dickhead!

- Dude… Dill. - Yeah.

[Ash] What was the name of that lad you said they found

clinging to the branches of an ancient tree?

- Thomas Dylan. - [JJ] Thomas Dylan! Oh, my God!

This could be the actual tree where they found him!

It's definitely the tree.

- [groans] - [eerie music plays, stops abruptly]

Don't wind each other. It's just a fucking tree.

- Dude! What you doing? - Argh!

What's it look like I'm doing? I'm having a slash.

Tommo, you mustn't piss on magic.

'Cause some lad wanked himself into a coma in it hundred years ago?

Oh, I'm very scared. Ooh!

I'm fucking shitting myself. [farts]

[thunder rumbles]

- [caws] - Nice one, Tommo.

You probably just put a fucking curse on all of us!

So will you please just get us out of here?

[Dylan] What the fuck is this?

- What is that? - This is a map of North Korea!

- Thomas? - No, no, no. Hang on, hang on.

Before you get upset, right, I…

- I had to set myself a personal challenge. - What the fuck?

A personal challenge to survive in the wilderness…

without any provisions or the assistance of a map.

- Oh, Jesus. - Oh.

What the fuck?

- [clamouring and yelling] - Hey, hey, hey. Behave yourselves.

You have led us in the middle of this flipping murder forest

with no idea of where we are going or how we're gonna fucking get out!

I've got an idea.

[laughs] Don't you worry, sweetheart, because…

We must follow the compass. Ha-ha!

Navigationally, we must continue in that direction. [laughs]

- Follow me! - [stomach rumbling]

Come here, Shiticus Maximus Decimus Meridius

with your fucking map of North Korea.

- [Ash] Absolute worst day out ever. - [Dylan] Should have put me in charge.

[Cardi] Why has he got a map of North Korea?

♪ If you go down in the woods today ♪

♪ You're sure of a big surprise ♪

♪ If you go down in the woods today ♪

♪ You'd better go in disguise ♪

♪ For every bear that ever there was ♪

♪ Will gather there for certain because… ♪

You are so bad-tempered, dude.

- You are bad-tempered! - No, you. Settle down.

Wanker.

[Tommo] Not long now, lads, we'll be out of these woods.

[Vinnie] Hang on a minute, man. We've defin… We've been here.

Without question, we've been here.

No, no, no. All terrain looks similar to the untrained eye.

Oh, fuck me, it's one of Tommo's coke bags.

No, no, no, no.

That's not one of my… It's not one of my coke bags, no!

It says Dylan on the fucking tree!

Oh, my God, we've been going round in circles, Thomas!

It's a different tree. It's got to be!

We've been going in a straight line. It's got to be a different tree.

It's the same one, you clown.

It's called us back. It's cursed!

It's not fucking cursed, Dylan. It's a fucking tree.

Fuck you, Tommo.

You've fucking lied to us. Now we're gonna die here!

[Ash] I don't like this.

[JJ] I knew I shouldn't have come, dickhead.

Lads, lads, lads.

- [thunder rumbles] - We may perhaps…

have found ourselves in a little bit of a tight spot.

But now is not the time… to dissolve into petty bickering

about who may or may not be to blame.

No one's bickering. We all agree you're to blame.

- You. Without question. - It's like that, is it?

Well, how's about this for an idea, then? Find your own fucking way out.

Yeah? Anyone who wants to survive these woods, follow me.

- [bird caws] - Tom, don't sulk off, man.

- Fuck yourselves, mates! - Oh, Christ. Thomas!

- Let him go. - Wanker.

Come on. Oi, get away from the tree, come on.

[thunder rumbles]

Tom? Tom?

- Oh, fuck! - Where'd he go?

- [Cardi] He's just vanished. - Fuck.

Vinnie… I think we should just pitch camp here for the night.

Right? Get a fire going.

- Set out first light. - [all groan]

Let's just face facts here for a minute.

We're just a little bit lost in the woods here, lads.

We're lost in the woods. Jesus Christ. Help us!

Help! Argh! Help us right now.

[yelling]

- [Vinnie] Oi! Give over. - [Dylan] You. You did this.

Sit down for a fucking minute, will you? Have a minute!

Sit down! Convalesce. Now…

Dude, we cannot stay here, in these woods, at night.

Why not?

Fuck this. Call the woodland police, tell them to come and get us.

Now, hang on a minute, that is a good idea.

Try and find the number for the woodland po…

That's not a fucking thing.

I'm phoning Carol.

- How would the po… Don't. - I'm phoning Carol!

Tell her we're having a good time.

- Tell her. - No fucking signal.

- [JJ] Oh, my God. - [chiming]

I ain't got no signal either.

I've got no fucking signal.

- Well, that's the idea. - I burnt my eyebrow.

He's burnt his eyebrow.

Just fucking chill out, man, for fuck's sake.

Can we all just calm the fuck down?

[grate clatters]

Right, Sugar, you stay up here in case we need pulling up, yeah?

Okay.

- Are you calling it? - Yes, Carol, I'm calling it, yeah.

- I'll go check the jacks. - Yes. Quick, quick, quick.

- [clattering] - Fucking hell.

I am gonna check over there.

[gasps]

[beeping]

[beeps]

[rapid beeps]

Oh, shit. Motion sensor.

Don't move.

[Dylan] Hey, hey, hey! I've seen things in them woods.

- What things? - Hidden figures.

Figures in the trees. Figures in robes.

- Masks. Figures. - [mouthing]

They're dressed like monks.

- [sighs] - Monkeys in masks!

- [groans] - [crashing]

Oh, fuck! What the hell was that?

- Sounded like a tree falling over. - Dude, trees don't just fall over.

Absolutely, they do. It's a very tree-ish thing… to do, actually.

What could make a tree fall over?

- A bunch of monks! - Fuck me, that's it. Shut the fuck up!

You're frightening the shit out of each other.

There aren't fucking monks…

pushing over trees! There's no curse.

There's definitely not a man with the head of a pig

and fucking giant nips. It's just us and a load of fucking trees.

Now don't text the fucking girls.

Stop trying. If they find out we're having a shit time,

I lose the fucking thing with Erin.

- Where are you going? - I'm going finding the phantom shitter!

Fucking out here somewhere. Frodo!

- Who? - [JJ] Shit. Vin!

What the fuck is happening with him today?

This is a bit like Squid Game, in't it, Erin?

Jesus.

Sugar, I need to move. I'm getting cramp.

Okay. Just move very, very gradually so they won't register you.

[softly] Okay.

[grunts]

[Vinnie] Thomas? Thomas!

Tom? Tommy?

Come on, dude.

Fuck!

Tom? Tom, I'm serious, man.

Come on, stop fucking around, dude. It's pitch black.

Tom?

Dude, come on, stop fucking about, you f…

[screams]

[screams]

[grunts]

[grunts]

Oh, thank fuck.

Keep going, you're getting closer. That's it, you're nearly here.

[footsteps creak gently]

Keep coming.

[door bangs]

It was only on the floor of the jacks!

- [alarm wails] - Shit!

Fucking hell! Come on.

[grunting]

- [grunts] - [door opens]

- Bloody thing. - [alarm stops, beeps]

- [chimes] - Behave yourself.

- You're hurting me hole. - [yells]

- [grunting] - [Erin] Oh, fuck!

[Carol] Jesus Christ…

["I Put a Spell on You" playing]

Oh, fuck. Fucking hell. Thomas?

♪ I put a spell on you ♪

Christ…

Managed to shite his own pants off. Impressive!

♪ Because you're mine ♪

♪ Stop the things you do ♪

All right, there we are. [exhales]

♪ What's up? ♪

♪ I ain't lying… ♪

Oh, fuck! Shit!

- [rustling, thudding] - Oh! Ow!

♪ Oh, yeah! ♪

[gentle cracking]

[twigs snapping gently]

You don't have to skulk out there.

Come, take a seat, if you like.

Sorry.

I didn't… I just didn't want to make you jump.

I, er… Gone camping with my dickhead mates,

ended up getting a bit lost myself, so…

Aren't we all?

- Have a seat. - Oh, thanks ever so much, man.

You are a bloody angel.

[sighs]

Go on, Tommo. Here you go. Pull yourself together, lad.

You're a big boy. It's just nature.

Trees, more trees, leaves… and mulch.

Nothing weird about that whatso… Ugh.

["Dies irae" plays]

Fuck.

[gasps, farts]

[JJ] Maybe what you saw wasn't a monk. Okay?

- What else could it be? - I dunno. A nun?

Dill? The monk… did he have friends with him?

[Dylan] Eh?

- Were they carrying torches? - Eh?

- Fuck! - [all clamouring]

- [Ash] Don't leave me! - [Cardi] It's fucking monks!

I'm just…

I don't think I'm good at being around people, is all, you know?

I know it sounds fucking daft.

Let me see if I've got this right.

You find it hard being around people,

so you go off and live in the woods.

But living alone makes you feel lonely.

So you try and dip your toe back in every once in a while,

do normal things normal people do.

But doing these things make you feel like an impostor.

It makes you miserable.

That about right?

Yeah.

Hmm. Well, you're wrong.

- Eh? - You're wrong.

- Your thinking's off. - Is it?

Yeah. You're comparing yourself to people who you don't want to be.

- Yeah. - [chuckles]

Fucking hell, yeah. I do that.

But that doesn't make you weird.

What it makes you

is a success.

Because it makes you the master of your own destiny, man, like me.

You and me, we're not like the rest of the trees in the forest.

We're… beautiful anomalies of nature,

like them trees you see growing out of the side of some chimney

on a derelict factory, despite all the damage.

How you are

is not some sort of handicap. It's a gift.

Don't waste your life

caring what other people think about you.

The only thing that matters…

is being honest with yourself.

Knowing you are a decent human being.

I fucking really needed that. [sobs]

Oh, sorry.

Right. [clears throat]

I'd better go and find them knobheads, eh?

Pleasure to meet you, Vincent. On you go.

Don't be a stranger.

[Erin] Quick. Quick.

- Here. - [Sugar] I'm up. I'm up.

Oh, fuck! Argh!

- [guard] What the bloody hell was that? - Come on, quick!

[switch clicking]

[beeping]

Bloody hell.

[sighs]

[Carol] I knew this was a bad idea.

It was your fucking idea.

The last lot who tried to rob this place got 18 months.

It's classed as a charity here.

Judges take a very dim view of people who rob charities.

However…

an all-female crew.

To be honest,

I think it's way overdue, if you ask me.

You know, I'm a big fan of women.

And feminists, all of that. Got all the hashtags.

Look, you gave it a bloody good go.

You should be really proud of yourselves.

I don't want this to put you off trying anything

like this again in the future.

However, I need you to put everything back… just as you found it.

But I need you to do it in the next five minutes,

or I'm calling the cops. Chop-chop.

Fuck's sake.

- [owl hoots] - Shit.

Shit! Fuck me.

Tom?

Tom? Thomas? T…

[Tommo] Vincent?

Thomas.

Are you all right?

No, I'm not all right.

There's monks after me, and…

I did, in fact, have terrible diarrhoea.

Can I borrow your joggers?

- Listen to me. - Yeah.

- You've eaten a load of poisonous berries. - Yeah.

Done too much cocaine.

You've ended up fucking shitting yourself senseless, you daft cunt.

- Do you know what I mean? - Yeah, yeah.

Robed figures in the middle of the fucking woods. Jesu...

Oh, fucking shit! Get the fuck down. Get down!

[grunting]

Torch. Torch, dude!

Oh, shit. Mine.

Now do you believe me?

Yes, I do. We need to get the fuck out of here.

Oh, shit! Woodlice.

[all chanting] Brotherhood of the Hood. Brotherhood of the Hood.

Brotherhood of the Hood. Brotherhood of the Hood.

[chanting continues]

[JJ] Shh. Quiet.

- [Dylan] Jesus Christ. - [Ash] Lads, what the fuck is that?

Fuck's sake. Dude.

[chanting continues]

Holy shit.

[chanting continues]

Dude, what are they doing with that guy?

They're putting him in… They're gonna fucking set fire…

They're gonna sacrifice that man.

- Right, now, listen to me. I have to help. - Vinnie…

- I'm right behind ya. - Right on my back.

I love you, man.

Right, let's go. Let's do it.

[chanting continues]

["Sabotage" playing]

[yells] Oi, oi, oi. Stop it. Stop what you're doing!

Argh, you fuckers. Oi, oi, oi. Stop it. Stop what you're doing.

Stop what you're fucking doing right now.

[whimpers]

Someone just check on that guy there. I'm worried about him.

What the fuck?

Tommo! You were supposed to come down with me, man.

Sorry. Lost me confidence.

That was him.

Dill!

- Shit! - [grunting]

Dylan! Dylan, settle down a little bit. You've had too much cocaine.

Where are your trousers?

I had to give 'em to Tom. He shat himself.

Now, everyone, just fucking back off.

It's all right, lad. Back off, fucker.

It's all right. It's all right, lad.

- [man 1] What's happening? - It's all right.

You're safe now.

- Who are you? - What do you mean?

We're fucking here to save ya.

Get you away from all these fuckwits.

- Yeah, what for? - What do you mean, "What for?"

Is this still part of it?

- Part of fucking what? - The ceremony?

No! We are rescuers. We've come to rescue you.

[man 2] The non-believers have broken the Brotherhood's sacred circle!

- They must not… - That's Shirley.

[all] Shirley? Shirley!

No… No, I know not of who you speak.

[Jim] It fucking well is him!

Why wouldn't Jimbo be here as well?

I'm filming it all. I told you I'd expose you, didn't I?

You bunch of fucking nonces.

You can shove that camera up your arse.

Fuck me, that's Bishop.

- Just a bit of fun! Bit of fun? - Like burning people in the woods?

- We're not burning anybody? - No! It's more of a ceremonial thing.

- It was. - What the fuck is going on? Jimbo!

The Brotherhood of the Hood.

[all chanting] Brotherhood of the Hood. Brotherhood of the Hood.

The Broth… Broth… What?

Yeah, I know, it's a shit name,

for a shit so-called secret society full of local fucking nutters.

- Businessmen. - And women and non-binary individuals.

[man 3] We're very progressive!

Yes, and women and non-binary individuals who enjoy the iconography of the occult,

but also have a shared interest in Hawley's local business community.

Captains of industry in the greater Hawley area, is how I'd describe us.

Not that we're allowed to tell anyone, being a secret society and all.

[laughter]

So it's Masons who can't get into Masons?

- [man 4] No. Fuck the Masons. - Perverts, the lot of them.

Ah, yeah.

But cramming weird nymph men into fucking wicker yoga balls…

It's supposed to be an egg.

- It's not an egg, is it? - It's perfectly round.

Graham was in charge of weaving that.

Well, I'm not a professional weaver, am I?

I'm a patissier. Eight months that took.

And not one of you said, "Well done, Graham, great job."

[Brotherhood murmuring] Well done, Graham.

Hang on. Right, so am I in or not, then?

No, Geoff. Unfortunately, the circle has been broken,

which means that you must be forsaken by the Brotherhood

and can never subsequently be inducted.

Fucking bollocks, that is.

This is exactly what you wanted, isn't it, Graham?

He's been trying to stop me from joining

ever since I opened a sandwich shop next to his cake shop.

It's a patisserie, thank you very much. I don't know what you're talking about.

Yeah, you tell 'em, Geoff.

These lot have been ripping the piss out of you.

"Half-eaten yogurt," one of 'em called ya.

One of 'em said you looked like an anorexic sperm

trying to fertilise a fucking wicker egg.

Fuck this for a game of soldiers. Ash, come on, get your shit together.

[Jim] Hey, bit of a disappointment in the woods tonight, weren't it, eh, lads?

You caused all this, you.

What were you doing in the woods with a camera anyway, you perv?

- Masons wouldn't have ya. Amateurs. - Go bum a cow, Farmer Giles.

Hey, are we all right, lads? Come on, give us a smile.

You're on telly. Here we go.

We'll get back to you in due course if your application's successful.

Take that dick off your head and fuck off.

Fucking hell, calm down.

Jim, leave Shirley's cult alone now.

- Fuck off home. - Hey, I'm documenting these cults.

[softly] Knobhead.

[Erin] Give it a shove. Come on.

[phone rings]

- How did you get on? - [Vinnie on phone] Honestly…

From start to finish, it's just been such good fun.

We never just… Never get time to chill out a bit.

We're always on the move doing a fucking job, you know?

Geoff? What are you doing, Geoff?

- [Graham] Hey, get away from that egg. - [Geoff] I told you.

I warned you, didn't I? You bunch of shithouses.

- [yelling and clamouring] - Geoff, come on, son!

Fuck you, Graham, fuck you and your pretentious fucking patisserie.

You're a fucking baker in a cake shop. That's all you are!

Get back to your sandwiches, you fucking moron!

- Did you hear any of that shit? - Yeah.

It's been fucking awful. Like…

The worst fucking night, I swear to God… Hey, hey!

I've had an epiphany, though.

I realise I've just gotta stop…

I've gotta try and stop giving a shit what people fucking think of me.

I'm just… I am. I'm just a shouty… shouty nightmare.

Intense, frustrated twat of a man.

But I'm lucky. You know, I've been blessed with this group of mates.

I mean, I'm looking at 'em now. Fuck me, they're useless.

Tommo ate berries and shat himself.

[laughs]

[Carol] …happiest hole in fucking England, there.

- Oh, just beautiful. - [laughs]

I wouldn't change it for the world, you know? [chuckles]

Yeah, I hear what you're saying.

[distant thudding and grunting]

What? Have a what? Have a fucking…

[yelling]

[screaming]

- Cancel your plans and dress flamboyantly. - Have I overdone it?

- What kind of man has a maze? - Welcome.

It's my special exotic animal zoo.

- This calls for a top-up. - Oh.

We're stuck in the fucking maze.

Let's keep this strictly business.

Violated in an exotic zoo.

[yells]

Man, woman or tiny plastic foetus

covered in fucking weird hair, we're in it together.

♪ …so much trouble in my mind ♪

♪ I got so much trouble in my mind ♪

♪ I got so much trouble in my mind ♪

♪ I got an eight-hour job ♪

♪ I got an eight-hour job ♪

♪ And every day My work, it gets so hard… ♪