Original subtitles

[upbeat music playing]

- Fucking hell, lift it your end. - I am lifting my end, Erin.

- Well, lift it higher, Tommo. - We're different heights, Erin!

So obviously it's gonna slant down

on account of my being… diminutive.

- Diminutive? - Yes, Erin.

Yeah, it means short. I'm expanding my vocabulary.

I learn five new words every day.

It's all part of my personal embetterment programme.

Oh, yeah? What have you learnt today, then?

Well, er, let me see, "malevolent, jingoistic and stoicism".

Oh, that's gonna come in handy in your mobile sex dungeon, innit?

Hey, sweetheart. Sweetheart.

It is an erotic parlour, right, and if you hadn't got into bed,

figuratively, with Terence McCann,

then we'd still be running this fucking place

instead of selling off our assets to Chinese fucking Dan.

Righto. Are we ready to "Rock the Casbah" 'ere, or what?

Hey, what's… what's up?

Tommo being capricious. Yeah. Look it up.

["Money (That's What I Want)" playing]

♪ The best things in life are free ♪

♪ But you can give them To the birds and bees ♪

- ♪ I need money ♪ - ♪ That's what I want ♪

- ♪ That's what I want ♪ - ♪ That's what I want… ♪

It's unloved, it's tatty. Where'd you lift it from?

Yates' Wine Lodge?

We've not lifted it from anywhere. It's from our club, this.

- The Rat & Cutter. - I've been there before.

Have you, Calvin? What a surprise.

Wouldn't mind seeing you there.

- In't that a crying shame… - It were McCann.

He funded the licence and the lease on the bloody thing.

Now he's banged up, and the council won't renew the contract.

- What did they say it was… - Magnet for crime.

And debauchery.

- Whose is this van? - M-mine, why?

- Are you a dog walker? - Yeah. It's m-my new business.

- How much do you charge? - Well, it's, er, b-by the hour.

Unless it's all day, then it's a day rate.

Why are you even fucking asking?

Honestly I've been here a thousand times, not once have I seen a bloody dog.

Well, that's where you're wrong. Calvin, fetch the mutt.

- [slap] - Oi!

Say hello to Arson Fire.

["Money" playing]

The worst investment I have ever made.

- How long have you had him for? - Got involved in a syndicate.

Group of blokes said he were a money-making machine.

Won a couple of races.

I think I have a winner.

And then one day, for no apparent reason,

the stupid dog stopped trying.

[bell rings, cheering]

- No! - [song ends]

We tried everything,

even the elastic band around the balls thing, but…

- [dog whimpers] - I've done that.

Just weren't interested.

I wanted to take it down to the knackers yard, but my wife,

she weren't having it.

[hesitates] Hang the fuck on.

Wife? What do you mean, "wife"? You've got a wife?

Course I've got a wife. Shanata. She's Thai.

Oh?

Pull that look off your face as well, I didn't buy her.

I met her in a SpudULike in Northampton.

- What were you having? - Cottage cheese, chives.

Honestly, a bit of a dark horse, really, deep down, aren't you.

Wives and dogs. Go on, what did she say?

She said I had to keep the stupid mutt.

- Oh, he's a gorgeous dog. - Do you want it?

- What? To keep? - On a long-term loan.

Just the worlds' worst man.

Look, he's a fucking dog walker, in't he?

Either give him the fucking dog, or don't.

- That's a thoroughbred greyhound. - I don't give a shit what it is.

It's given up, bless it.

All right.

You take the stupid dog and I'll buy all your crappy club gear.

Right, listen! I don't want you taking the fucking piss on this gear.

I want some decent dollar.

That hurts, Vincent. Just name your price, son.

Ten grand.

I'll give you five and that's me going out on a limb.

Fuck.

You're joking me, where's it going to live?

- With us. - In the flat? Are you fucking serious?

Is it not bad enough with the pigeon and the pigeon paraphernalia?

Now we have a greyhound. They're stinking, Cardi.

They have bad breath and weeping glands.

I'm not sticking my finger up his hole to unblock the glands.

Eugh. Fucking visuals on that. Look at this.

Look what's happening here, a connection.

He fucking loves the dog.

The dog seems to like him. They're having fun.

I reckon that dog'll still race if you wanted it to.

- How do you mean? - Look at it.

It's still young and like Dan said, it used to win.

But then, crucially, it stopped.

It's all about how you train them, right.

Listen, I know you all think our Ronnie is a knobhead.

- Absolutely. - Oh, fuck me.

I agree, but he trained greyhounds down at the track

with a guy called Wayne Carr.

- [laughs] - What?

Wayne Carr. Wanker.

- Nope, nothing like it. - Wayne Carr. Wanker

- Give over. - That's good.

It's no Ben Dover is it?

Hmm, exactly. I used to know a bloke called Warren Peace.

My next door neighbour Ray Cyst.

- I mean, there you go. - [laughter]

Hang on a minute.

Just stop, stop with the inappropriate names, just for a minute.

Do you think that bugger's still got legs?

Get a winning dog, win thousands.

Yeah, I'm not sure I want him racing, Vin.

You know, he's my pet now and he's...

A shagging greyhound, is what he is.

Fuck, they love to race, Cardi.

- Can you get hold of this Wayne Carr? - [laughs]

Oh, fuck.

Don't see why not, he works at the track as a groundsman,

but I must warn you, he's a bit of a weirdo.

He calls himself The Dog Whisperer.

This dog's a beauty.

What you calling him?

- Martin. - Arson Fire.

- Dude, you can't call him Martin. - Why not?

Because it doesn't sound fast.

It sounds like a fucking accountant's name.

It does.

Obviously, he's a strong dog,

but I'm guessing he hasn't raced in a while.

- That's right. - [all] Mmm-hmm.

He were all right at first.

- Mmm? - Mmm. Mmm.

- Yeah, yeah. Mmm. - Mmm. Yeah, he was…

[dog whimpering]

He was fast at… He was winning races and then he was just fucking…

Mmm.

He lost interest. Fuck it, whatever.

That was with his old owner.

We want to bring him back to his former glory.

Mmm. [grunts]

- What do you reckon? - Reckon?

Yeah. Like… do what you did with our Ronnie?

- How do you mean? - The whispering thing? Whispering…

[Wayne] No, no, no, Erin. No, no, no, no.

That's all in the past now. That's strictly verboten. Mmm.

Means frowned upon.

It is, it's frowned upon in the racing community.

Say's it gives like an unfair advantage, it's like… Mmm.

It's like… Mmm, it's like magic.

- Surely we can tempt you. - Eh?

Jesus Christ. How much do you want, sweetheart?

It's not about money, is it?

- It's about morality, honour and all that. - Fifty quid.

- Hundred. - Thought it wasn't a question of money.

It isn't.

Hundred quid to whisper in a dog's ear, yeah?

We had some big success back in the day, me and Ronnie.

- Mmm. - Mmm. Big success…

before he bound me in the back of his Austin Maxi

- and stole all the winnings. - [panicked yelling]

["In the Hall of the Mountain King" playing]

Come on, come on.

Here.

And off he goes. To have a conflab with a fucking dog.

[hushed] Ajo!

- Done it? - Oh, yeah. He understands.

- So… it'll race now? - No. No. No.

You still got to train it, fashion a hare out of his old clothes

and just drag it really fast, get him to chase it.

Where's my money? Mmm! M-Money?

Hundred quid, yeah? D'you not wanna check it?

Cheers. No, you're all right. Ey.

- Come on, then. - [Cardi] You all right, Carol?

[laughs] Mmm!

I thought we agreed on the way back from Wales

that you wouldn't be getting involved in any of my silly schemes any more.

Vin, it's dog training, it's not exactly McCann territory, is it?

I know, but you had a thing, didn't you?

- Epiphany? Mmm. - Epiphany.

Right, well, the plans are in place. Shall I show you?

[laughter]

Me and our Ronnie used to come here, when we were little.

This place really means a lot to me, but it's struggling.

You know, I've offered to help, but it's the funding.

They need better facilities and, well, better everything, really.

Look at it.

Christ, that game's shite, innit. I'll help you, love.

Not if it means you getting involved with those scary men.

- No, I won't... - Anything like that.

Don't worry about me. I promise. I promise I won't.

Thank you.

Don't run away with Tyler again, Erin.

I thought you were gone for good, you know.

I know.

I'm sorry.

- What do you think? - What's happened there?

I mean, is he even gonna chase that?

He seems to like it, he's been sniffing at it.

That's 'cause you never washed it.

Well, there's only one way to find out.

Now, Vinnie, we want to make sure that we're far enough away

- before you let go of Arson Fire. - Martin!

Don't call him Martin, dude. He sounds like a librarian.

You ready?

- Yeah. - [phone rings]

Are you ready?

- Yeah, yeah. - Okay, let's go.

[engine revs]

["Reptilia" playing]

[screams] Go on! Go on!

- Ah! Fucking hell. - Oh, my God!

- How fast? - 40, 42…

He is incredible. How quick were that?

Forty-four, he could have gone faster.

The hare only does 50 on the track.

You've got yourself a winner, there, Cardi.

- Where's he gone? - What?

He was just there, but he's dis… disappeared.

- Vin, did you see where he went? - He can't have gone far.

- Maybe he's gone for a poo. - Why would he hide?

Maybe he's shy for pooing, like Vinnie.

- Arson Fire! - [Vinnie] Arson Fire!

- Martin. - Arson Fire!

- Martin! - There he is.

What's he got in his mouth?

Shit.

Fuck! That's not good.

[Gary] Will you hurry up, you bellend?

- I need to bury this dickhead. - Who is it?

- Fucking Sheila. - Aw. Poor Sheila, man.

Oh, listen, I need a big favour.

Oh, what now? It's always favours with you, isn't it.

Never a social call, never, "Gary, do you fancy a beer

or a nice chicken tikka masala?"

No, it's meet me in your hearse, clandestine,

like we're Cold War fucking spies.

I never said to meet in the fucking hearse.

- It's my vehicle. - It's for funerals.

I've been on holidays in this thing. What do you fucking want?

Here. Christ, you're bad tempered.

Prawn cocktail crisps. By the way, I heard Babs got married again.

She did, actually, nice do.

- It's not prawn cocktail crisps, man. - Oh, what is it, then?

It's a human foot.

- Ah? - Yeah.

I mean, we found it.

Nothing to do with us, we found the fucking thing.

- The dog found it, you know. - That's severed.

Well, yeah, yeah, it's severed 'cause it'd have to be, wouldn't it,

or it'd still be attached to his shagging leg, you pillock.

I'm assuming it's a him. Is it a lad?

Yeah, it's male, all right.

Oh. It's not fresh.

Oh. Nowhere near. It's barely decomposed, though.

Where did you find it?

Edge of one of Shirley's and Jim's fields.

- Just in this rocky… wasteland. - Mmm.

So, naturally, you thought,

who do I know that deals in dead bodies? Gary.

I'll go and burden him with it.

Yeah. 'Cause you have a furnace. In fairness. [chuckles]

- Furnace? - Yes.

Is that all I am to you? The fireman?

That's what my mammy calls me.

They sing "burn, baby, burn" every time I go home for Christmas.

Fine. If they're more interested in gin and tonics

than their son's achievements, that's their prerogative.

I don't need their fucking praise or affirmation,

but just once in a while,

tell me that I've done something good in me life.

Say, "Congratulations Gary, you've done very well."

Gary! Shut up.

Fucking hell, shouting your head off, with your severed foot

in a fucking prawn cocktail box, just chill.

Will you burn it for me, please?

- Yes. - Sick. Thanks, man.

Fuck off. Next time you call, you'd better not be asking for something.

- Please may I have a lift... - Get the fuck out!

- It's only ten minutes. - Remove your fucking body from the car!

- I'm removing it. - No more favours, glow worm.

[bell rings]

[Cardi] Dude, I'm worried about him.

Don't… Listen. Don't be worrying about him.

There's no pressure today. We're just giving him a run-off.

- Gonna see how he gets on. - What we saying?

- Worth a flutter or what? - What did I just fucking say, then?

We're giving him a run-off, seeing how he does.

- Don't put any money on that dog. - He's a fucking dog, Vincent.

He won't know if I'm making a bet or not, will he?

- I'm doing it. - Hang on.

I went to the dogs lots when I was young.

I'd always bet on the ones with funny names.

Oh, yeah. Like what?

Like, erm, Winnie the Pooch. [laughs]

- Groucho Barks. - [chuckles]

- Catherine Zeta-Bones. - Ah! Stop, stop, stop.

Cardi, why have you brought Nigel with you?

Because he's my l-lucky charm

and I don't want him getting jealous of M-Martin.

Welcome to my world.

- [bell rings] - [cheering]

I hope this stupid dog wins.

He didn't sleep a wink last night tossing and turning he was,

had to give him hand relief to help him sleep.

Just wanked the dog.

[JJ] Outside lane…

Hey, statistically, lane six is

30% less likely to produce a winner than other lanes.

You're honestly so clever, dude.

I mean, statistically, could you shut the fuck up?

- There's a lot riding on this shit. - [bell rings]

["The Chain" playing]

Here we go. Here we go.

[music builds]

[crowd cheering]

[laughter]

Oh, no, man.

Fucking hell!

I told him not feed it mackerel.

[Cardi] I told you we shouldn't race him.

He's too sensitive.

I see a lot of myself inside this dog.

[Tommo chuckles] Sorry.

Chinese Dan said he made him a bloody fortune.

All we have to do is figure out what's wrong with the poor thing.

- Maybe he's got stage fright. - He's a fucking dog, Dill.

He's not performing Hamlet at the fucking RSC.

Although, to be fair,

that is something I would definitely pay to watch, dog Hamlet.

"Is this a dog bone I see before me?"

- That's Macbeth. - Fuck off, Erin.

Hamlet, Macbeth, it's all fucking unwatchable shite, in't it.

Look, I think we should just forget all about it,

Dan gave me the dog and I don't want him running.

Cardi, you're giving up at the first hurdle, man.

Wait, I've got a thought. You know Wayne Carr.

- It's pronounced "Wayneker." - I swear to fucking God.

He said make the hare out of Cardi's clothes 'cause he'll chase it.

- He did. - Oh, you think…

- He's running for Cardi? - Exactly! Worth investigating.

He does smell fierce bad, to be fair.

Fuck off!

Fucking hell, who invited the Kray twins?

What are the MacDonaghs doing here?

Barry, Davey, how's it going?

Vincent.

Other people.

You seem to be avoiding my calls.

No, fucking hell!

Yeah, I've just been really busy, got into the, er, greyhound game.

Bit of a fucking nightmare…

[dog whimpers]

[Davey] I used to have a dog once.

Lovely little thing it was, then one day it nipped at me.

It never nipped at me again.

- What, you give it away? - No, Barry killed it.

Oh, fucking hell.

- What's its name? - Martin.

- Arson Fire. - Martin!

- It's not Martin, dude. - Eh? Martin?

Sounds like the treasurer of a ramblers' association.

We've still got to have our little chat, Vincent.

Here's where I'd like you to come.

Oi.

Tomorrow. 12:30.

Bring a towel.

Oh, fuck! Fucking Shamrock Sauna.

- Yeah, I know it well. I'll join you. - Absolutely not!

- [door opens] - [Erin] Vin?

- Yeah. - Vin.

Please tell me you're not getting involved with the MacDonaghs.

I'm not getting involved with the MacDonaghs. Shit!

Because that'd be really fucking stupid, wouldn't it?

You just get rid of McCann

and then you get involved with them lunatics.

I know, they're not as bad as McCann.

- They are. - Barry's a fucking headcase.

But you can talk to Davey. I need to get me bloody weed back.

Listen, honestly,

I ain't getting involved.

Towels off.

As you wish.

- And those are? - It's my swimming trunks.

I can see that, but why aren't you al fresco?

That means outdoor dining. So…

I've not done al fresco,

it's only I'm nervous about getting me hog out.

I've never been to a meeting where everyone's…

It's just fucking weird.

Fine. To business. McCann's out of the picture.

Which means between us, we rule the area, agreed?

So why fight when we can join forces and prosper?

- Meaning? - Meaning…

We will give you your weed back, every last leaf,

but then we share resources, share profits.

Okay. Thanks for inviting us down.

The answer's a no. I'm really sorry.

So, this is you now, is it?

That ridiculous haircut,

training hounds…

We might win some money out of that little bugger just yet, you know.

He might bring us a load of second-hand body parts.

- Oi, oi. No. - What does that mean?

He's just a fucking dope, ignore him.

It's an in-house joke. Forget about it.

I can't just forget about it.

It's hanging there now, like half an anecdote.

All right, we were out on the field training the bloody dog.

Lost it. Come back with a human foot.

Human foot?

- Where was this? - Hang on, hang on.

- Do you know whose it is? - Where's this foot now?

What the bloody hell have you two been up to?

- Where is it? - I've got rid of it, it's gone.

- Get it back. - What?

We can't have that falling into the wrong hands, now, can we?

No.

Why is there a human foot in a field?

- Long story, Vincent. - Mmm…

Just get me that foot.

When you bring it back, give me your answer on the deal.

No. I've… I've given you the answer.

I've called it right now. I'm sorry, it's a no.

Very flattered, though.

Okey-dokey.

- Oh, fucking, fucking hell. - What?

You know what that means, don't you? When Davey says "okey-dokey".

- No. - Ask Jackie-No-Nose, mate.

When Davey says okey-dokey,

it means very much the fucking opposite.

- Put your penis away, dude. - I won't.

Look at it, Vincent. Look him in the eye.

- Look. Hey, hey, you want… Hey! - [laughter]

- [sighs] - [line rings]

- What do you want? - Gary, Gary, love,

tell me you've still got the foot.

The one you asked me to destroy?

- That's the one, yeah. - No, it's in my walk-in freezer.

[sighs] Thank fuck for that. Listen, Gary, I'm gonna need that back.

What did I tell you last time we spoke?

Not… not to ask for things.

Exactly! You gave me the foot, it's mine.

Fuck off, auf Wiedersehen, au revoir, Slán leat.

Gary, just hang on a minute.

You've got enough weird fucking body parts in your dungeon.

Haven't you, eh? Now listen, I'm coming down for that bloody foot.

Have it ready, I'll be down there as soon as I can. All right?

Good luck with that

'cause I'm off to a Satanic wedding in Cirencester.

A Satanic… It's not a thing, that, you fucking… You fucker.

[engine revs]

[rock music playing]

Shit!

Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!

[both scream excitedly]

[Vinnie] Right, problem. So let's just assume

that he'll only run for Cardi's scent, yeah?

We can't get him to win on the track, unless the rabbit being chased...

Hare.

Hare… is that rabbit there.

Well, no, 'cause that's not gonna happen is it, they use a mechanical hare.

Unless we put my hare inside the mechanical hare.

And how you gonna do that?

Wayne Carr.

The Wanker.

- I'm not happy about this, Carol. - Oh, for God's sake, Cardi.

- I'm doing this for your stupid dog. - Just listen to me for a second.

It's posh, this race, you know, tomorrow. It's a big deal.

All right, now if we can get your Martin to follow your fucking scent,

we could be quids in. Christ on a bike.

Listen, get Wayne pissed, and get them fucking keys.

All right? If anything kicks off, text our Ashley, he'll be outside.

Game ball.

Listen, you lot stay here, me and dickhead are gonna go and try

and steal that foot from fucking Gary's, come on.

- See you on the flip side. - Yeah. Good luck.

- This fucking door does my head in. - Come on.

["Shots" playing]

♪ If you're tryin' to fuck Get your hands in the air ♪

- ♪ Now say, I'm fucked up ♪ - ♪ I'm fucked up ♪

- ♪ I'm fucked up ♪ - ♪ I'm fucked up ♪

- ♪ I'm tryin' to fuck ♪ - ♪ I'm tryin' to fuck ♪

- ♪ I'm tryin' to fuck ♪ - ♪ I'm tryin' to fuck ♪

- ♪ Shots… ♪ - [Jim groaning]

- The fuck's that? - Oh, Christ, it's Jim.

- What's he fucking doing? - Fuck off!

Smashed out of his head.

Here, fuck off. Fuck off, you wankers.

Jimbo. Put your starfish away, dude.

- Vinnie? - Yes.

- [laughs] - Get out the road.

Tommo, fucking hell.

Let us in, you cunts.

- What you done to your fucking head? - I fell into the bushes.

- How much you had to drink, you? - I'm celebrating.

It's my birthday!

- [laughs] - He's still alive.

Happy birthday. You been out with mates then, or…

No, on me own.

Right.

Where are you two going at this time of night, anyway?

Well, as it happens, Jim,

we are on our way to break into an undertaker's.

Dickhead. Just fucking… What you tell him that for?

- It's his fucking birthday, in't it. - What you nicking, a stiff?

Shut up, you fucking wittering, old twat.

Get in the fucking van. You're going home.

- Hey. Hey. I could be your fucking… - No! You fucking knobhead.

I can be your lookout. You need one.

- You're going home. - You fucking know you do.

- It's a firm no! - [cries out]

- [thuds] Ooh, ya… - [mouths] Fuck.

[Jim shouts] Go! Go! Go!

["Got To Be Real" plays on stereo]

- How's it going? Wayne, isn't it? - Mmm.

D-Dog training woman?

Carol. Fancy meeting you here.

You, er, you on your own?

Well, I was meant to be meeting me friend, but she hasn't arrived.

Right. Right…

Well, have a great night.

You can, er, join me, if you like.

Oh, I don't want to be any bother.

You're no bother.

Two more pints, please, mate.

- You got a drink? - A white wine spritzer, please.

- [growls] - Two pints, is it?

Mmm. Big thirsty boy.

Oh, no, they're not both for me. I'm with the wife.

[tyres squeal]

- [Jim] Oh, me fucking head! - Oi. Oi. Oi. Shut up! Listen.

Stay there, sing yourself "Happy Birthday" or something.

- We'll be in and out. - [Jim] I wanna come with you.

- Why? - No.

I wanna see a fucking dead body.

Jesus fucking Christ, he's disgusting.

I tell you what? Try this, look in the mirror.

Shut your mouth, you fairy tale-looking cunt.

Wow.

You're old as fuck.

I mean, surely you've already seen a dead body by now, man.

Yeah, but only old ones. I wanna see a young one.

That's a fucking weird thing to say, innit?

Oi, we're not here for fun. We're grabbing the object

and then we're getting the fuck out of here.

It's my birthday, Vin,

and birthday boys always get what they ask for.

[mocking noises] Father Pissmas, down here.

Get your shit together, so we can get the fuck in there.

Oh, cheers.

["Baby Did a Bad, Bad Thing" playing]

[music plays on stereo]

It's a lot of hard work, in't it, you know what I mean?

Constantly sort of having to upkeep the track and all that,

making sure there's no… no lumps or bumps and that.

Now the mechanical hare, I'd say that needs a lot of maintenance.

- Mmm. - Don't get him started.

He loves that hare.

- I don't love it, Jackie. - You'd shag it if it wasn't illegal.

- Mmm. - Er… Not sure it's illegal.

I'm going for a piss. Mmm.

[clattering]

Here you are, Jimbo, perfect size for you, these.

Just think, you'll be in one of these soon, won't you?

Fucking heart of an ox, me.

I'll fucking outlive the fucking pair of you.

If stinking of piss is a cure for old age, then you'll live forever, mate.

Why don't you just fuck off!

I can't help noticing the thing there, that verbally thing, the "mmm…".

What the fuck is that, like?

It's been going on for years.

Drives me mad.

He only does it when he's…

- sexually nervous. - Sexually nervous?

And, what, is he sexually nervous now?

- Yes. - Why?

- Because of you. - Because of me?

Hmm.

He keeps asking me to have a threesome, Carol.

But I don't want to.

I just want us to be happy again.

Like we used to be.

And you will be, Jackie, you will be.

[Jim] For fuck sake, where's he keep the fucking stiffs?

[Vinnie] They'll be on the floor, behind the bins, you great fucking lemon.

Where'd you think he keeps them, dude?

They'll be in a big freezer or some…

They'll be in a freezer or something like that.

Oh, buzzing.

[laughter] Ey-oh!

Ahh!

That is a fridge.

Sex-u-al. Ooh.

You start on that side.

I wanna start on this side.

Jimbo, stand there, try not to be a pissed-up cunt.

Keep your eye out.

Looking for the foot. Severed foot, guys.

Oh, dude! Found it.

Hey! [laughs]

High-five it. Whoo…

- Hey, fucking Vin. - [door hisses closed]

Fuck. Tell me that door opens from the inside, Jimbo.

Course it fucking opens.

It's a fucking door.

[Vinnie] Oh, fuck me, dude.

- Shit. - Fucking dickhead.

[all cursing]

[muffled banging]

Did… did you get the keys?

- Not yet. - What's taking so long?

He's with his wife, and she's lovely, and we're going to help her.

What? How?

- Has Tommo still got Alison? - Alison?

Ah, fucking gorgeous.

Listen, we need to accept our situation here.

Trapped in an undertaker's freezer.

- Correct. - And no fucker knows we're here, either.

All right, so we just don't panic. There's no need for it.

We're gonna get out. Come here. Get your hand in there.

- No… - [all] Panic!

- Yes. - [nervous laughter]

- Yeah! - Yeah, man, we're professionals.

Yes.

[all scream and yell]

[knocking]

Welcome, welcome, to my mobile erotic parlour. Please.

This is perfect, Carol.

May I take your coats?

- Mmm… - Say hello to my little friend.

She comes with a built-in, pulsating vagina.

- Mmm… - [Carol] And she loves making new friends.

Please, enjoy a complimentary glass of drink

while we'll get on the road.

She won't bite. Not yet.

Mmm…

- [soft music plays on stereo] - [engine starts]

Ooh…

Fuck me, this is it, then, innit? [sighs]

We're all gonna die in a great big fucking freezer.

God, there was so much I didn't get done, dude.

Like what?

Bukkake.

Bukkake? What the fuck is wrong with you, eh?

Here we're all faced death and all you can think is…

fucking Japanese sex, jizz porn.

I once coloured in a world map,

red for every country I'd made love to a woman from.

How red did you get it then?

England.

Er…

Jersey. There's another one, and…

Isle of Man.

Damn near took over, didn't you?

Why you even sharing a story like that at a time like this, Jimbo?

Because if I'd known I was gonna die in a fucking freezer,

I might have fucking broadened my hunt.

To fucking where?

I don't know… but I'm not into hairy armpits, Vin.

Or them lot that wax their bush.

I mean even a fucking landing strip's fine, but...

Honest to God.

Nobody wants to be met by a smooth, shiny minge.

Stop talking about shiny minges

and fucking world maps that you've come on. God's sake.

You know, we're fucking trapped in a shagging freezer, lads.

This is really fucking serious. We could die.

["Push It" playing]

Dude, what if it don't work out and she's got to go through

with some degrading sex act or something?

At least you've got Martin.

The dog?

- That's my fucking wife, man. - Yeah, I know.

Are we having this threesome or what?

[in mock foreign accent] All the way, baby. Sexy dolly.

Hey, you ever have a sexy dolly before?

You can do anything to me, you and your wife.

You want to touch my breast? Give me a little kiss.

- [grunting] - Give me a little kiss.

[groaning]

[keys jangle]

I've thought of dying more than anyone I fucking know. Honestly.

I just didn't think it'd be like this.

Trapped in an industrial freezer.

How did you think it'd happen?

Horseback.

[laughs] Fucking horseback. Fucking Robin of Loxley over here.

At least you're not dying on your fucking birthday.

You're not dying on your fucking birthday either.

Stupid old cunt. You're not gonna die before 12 o'clock, are you?

All right, the fucking day after my birthday, then.

What fucking difference would it make?

You'll be dead, won't you, you thick cunt, so it won't matter.

I mean, it could be Christmas, birthday, Shrove shagging Tuesday.

That's when Jesus died.

No, that was fucking Good Friday.

Weren't a very fucking Good Friday for Jesus, were it?

Shut the fuck up about Jesus' brilliant Friday.

We are completely fucking stuck.

That's what Jesus said up on that cross

and it all turned out all right for him.

["Chapter Three" playing]

Go on, Jackie, kiss her, Jackie.

Jesus Christ.

- Did you get the keys? - Course I've got the fucking keys!

- [Sugar] Can we just go, please? - [JJ] Will you fucking come on!

Come on.

Useless fucking… Run out of gas.

- Fuck! - Fucking hell!

Whoo, fuck me. It's getting cold now, innit.

[pants] Shall we snuggle together, for body warmth?

Don't be fucking weird, dude, give over.

Survival technique. SAS. It's not a gay thing.

Why would human beings huddling for warmth be a gay thing?

I'm not homophobic. You're putting words in my mouth.

Not putting anything in your mouth, nor would I, thank you.

- Why? - Because you're not an attractive man.

You're not, Jim. You're fucking gross, dude.

Fine. Me and him'll snuggle,

and you can freeze to fucking death over there in woke corner.

We need to get our clothes off, not boxers,

and then hug together,

and wrap whatever clothes and shit we've got around us,

so we're like a fucking heat sandwich, right?

Thomas, get your fucking gear off. You'll never survive on your own.

I'm being a slice of the bread. I'm not being the fucking filling.

- [dogs barking] - [Ash] Right.

This is it. The groundman's hut.

[Dylan] Right, fucking keys. The keys. Who's got the keys?

Give me the fucking keys.

Spread out, we need to find these hares.

- [door slams] - Shh, Cardi!

Right, this is what we're after here, lads.

Bollocks, there's five of the fuckers.

Oh, no, no, no. I'm not tearing it into quarters.

Fifths.

If we stuff the wrong hare, Arson Fire won't chase it.

There's only one thing for it, dude. Strip.

- What? - Strip, T-shirt, socks, undies. Come on.

[Ash] Fuck, Cardi always stinks.

- Clothes off. - All right. I'm not taking my undies off.

We need your smell, Cardi,

and there's no greater Cardi scent than them skiddy undies.

- All right, fucking turn round, then. - I'm watching this.

- Turn around. - Come on.

Cardi…

- [sniggering] - I can't fucking… Ah!

[glasses clatter]

So, it turns out you can fit three men in a body bag.

- [farts] - Oh, you fucker. Jimbo, dude.

Oh… Sorry, lads, it's the beer.

Oh. Oh, fuck me, dude.

Surely they'll realise we're gone and they'll come looking for us.

I mean, they knew where we were going, didn't they?

Surely, surely, it's only a matter of time.

- Yeah, man. - Yeah.

It's only a matter of time.

["Cold, Cold Ground" playing]

♪ Cold, cold ground ♪

["I Love My Dog" playing]

Come, on you. You're getting in here.

Right. Up you get, mate.

Come on. We're off to find Vinnie.

It's not like him to not pick up his calls.

I'll be back in a sec, right?

Carol, I'm… I'm taking Martin to go find Vin!

♪ So I love my dog ♪

♪ As much as I love you… ♪

Martin?

Martin?

Oh, for fuck's sake.

Martin?

Carol!

[Jim groans loudly]

[groaning continues]

Ey, I tell you what,

that's the best night's fucking kip I've had for ages.

How can that even be, dude?

Fucking silence. I was dead to the world.

I know, we heard you.

Snoring on you, it's like sleeping next to a fucking hog.

Listen, main thing is, we're all still alive.

Now, listen, listen.

I've come up with a bit of a plan.

- You see the vent behind us? Just there. - Yeah…

We can pull the door of that vent.

I reckon if one of us can shimmy through, get a bit of phone reception.

- Get hold of someone, you know. - Brilliant.

That is actually a very good idea,

but I'm gonna say this, right, I'm extremely claustrophobic.

- Yeah, I've got bad knees. - Dude, you can fuck off!

It's always me that has to do

the terrible fucking job that nobody wants to do.

None of us wanna go through a freezing fucking steel vent.

But someone's gonna have to, man, you know.

[car horn honks]

- Vin! - Vinnie! Vinnie!

- Vin! - Vinnie!

- He's not here. - Ah. He must be.

Fuck it. He's not, call Erin!

- [phone ringing] - Hello.

- Erin, have you seen Vinnie? - Not since yesterday, no, why?

We're outside the shack, he's not answering, nor the phone either,

and we're after losing the fucking dog.

Has he still got that friend finder on his phone?

Friend finder, what's that?

Right, where are you?

How are we deciding who goes up?

What about this then? Ip dip.

- Fucking Ip dip? - Ip dip, mate.

Ip dip, sky blue, granny sitting on the loo,

playing darts, 3 farts, out goes you!

That's not how it goes.

It's ip dip doo, doggy done a poo, went to the cinema at half past two.

When the film started, everyone farted, out goes you.

There's a cat, dude. There's a cat that had flu...

- There's no fucking cat. - There's a cat that got flu!

And a dog that got chickenpox!

Cats don't get flu, do they?

Dogs don't go to the fucking cinema, Tommy.

- Know what I mean? - Maybe it was the cat that farted.

No, no, Granny farted, didn't she? When she was on the loo.

Why would she be…

Why would there be an old woman farting on the loo playing darts?

Are we gonna play the game or what?

- Yes. - [Jim] Yeah.

Right.

Whose version?

This is fucking weird.

Come on. We're wasting time, I'm never gonna get Martin back!

Cardi, you have lost a dog and one of your best friends,

now, what is more important?

Right, the app said they were here last night,

so maybe they're still in there.

Why would they still be in a funeral parlour the next morning?

Unless…

Gary's caught them… and killed them.

- Now they're lying in coffins. - [eerie music playing]

Well, it's not going to be that, is it, Cardi?

No, probably not.

[groaning]

- Oh, it's cold. - [Vinnie] Can you see owt?

Can't go that way. Reverse. Other way.

- [muffled grunting] - Right…

Pass me, pass me your phone. Got it, yep, yep. [yelps]

- [Vinnie] Hurry up, dude! - [groans]

- Ah… - [clattering]

- What were that? - [phone rings]

- Oh… - Answer it then, dickhead.

[grunts]

[line rings]

Vinnie's phone's ringing, but he's not picking up.

[Cardi] This door's been jimmied.

["The Hardest Button to Button" playing]

Right, come on.

[Vinnie] Come here, you fucking borrower.

[groaning]

Get out the way.

- Go on, go on. - [grunts]

Fuck's sake. I'm asking for two inches.

As the actress said to the bishop.

No, no. Honestly, dude.

Is this the time for a lame penis joke?

No, it isn't. No. Go on.

[Erin] Vin?

- Vinnie! - Vin?

Tommo?

Oh. Fucking signal.

- Vinnie? - Vin?

[Cardi] Vinnie?

Tommo?

[Carol] Vinnie?

Oh, well, they're definitely not in here.

- [groaning] - Nearly there.

Nearly got it, dude.

Got it.

- [phone dings] - Bollocks, dude, it was, Erin.

- [phone rings] - No, no, no, no. Fuck!

What?

- Hello? - Hello, Vincent.

Are you all right, Davey, love. Dude, I am in a terrible jam.

I'm gonna have to bell you back.

- You fucking hung up on him. - Well, yeah. It were Davey MacDonagh.

What the fuck are you playing at?

That could've been our one chance to get out!

He's not gonna come down here and help.

He'd be fucking made up we were stuck in here.

- Twit. - I'm gonna ring Erin.

I've gotta do that stupid dog race thing yet, you know.

- All right, well, go on, then. - [line rings]

It's ringing! It's fucking ringing!

- Hey, hey! - Good. Good. Good.

[phone rings]

Vin, where are you?

Vin!

- [hesitating] Dog race. - He's gone, Vin, he's gone.

The dog, he were in the back of the van and now...

Get the dog! We've got to get the dog.

Pissing dogs run off. What about us? I am fucking freezing.

- He's been stolen. - He might not have been stolen.

- He has been stolen. - Oh, my God. Dude, he's been stolen!

He's been fucking stolen.

It's the fucking MacDonaghs. Erin, Erin, Carol. Warm up the lads.

Make sure Jim's all right. I think he's gonna die.

Right, Jim, you're with me. Tommo, get in.

[tense rock music playing]

Right. Fuckers. Right, you just… You stay here.

Dude, if they have got Martin in there, I am fucking coming in.

[Vinnie] Got bog roll on me boot!

Where the fuck is he now?

Hello, Vincent. Vincent's friend.

Fuck's sake. Fucking red hot in here.

- Where's the dog? - Have a seat.

I don't want a seat. I want the dog you stole!

Did you have chance to think about my generous offer?

Yeah, I did. But I can't, man.

I can't go in to another partnership. I'm sorry, it's a fucking no!

- Barry. - [door opens]

- Oh, Martin! - Ah-ah.

Lovely creatures, aren't they, dogs.

But they have a very different system to ours.

They have trouble regulating their own… temperature.

Which is why they pant a lot.

[ominous music playing]

Final chance, Vincent.

It's a fucking no! No!

Dude, what the fuck you doing?

[dog whimpers]

You're not this fucking guy, are you? Ey? Is this you?

All you have to do is say is yes, Vincent,

and then we will have a lovely business arrangement.

- Vin, Vin, please, man. Please. - Shit!

One word, three letters.

Vin, please, he's gonna fucking die in there, man.

Davey, don't do this, man. It's just a fucking stunt.

- It's a stunt, innit? Come on. - You know what I want, Vincent.

Yeah, but this isn't the way to get it, Davey.

Let the fucking dog out now!

Please, Mr MacDonagh. Please, let the dog out.

Open the door.

Open the fucking door!

[mocking]

Vinnie, he's gonna fucking die in there, please, man.

Shit! Erm…

Fuck it, then. I'll do it. I'll do it!

I'll go into partnership with you. I'll do it.

Just whatever. Let the fucking dog out, you psycho.

- So macho. - Just let the dog out.

Give them the dog back, Barry.

It's all right. It's all right.

- Come on, man, come on. - Barry.

- Barry! - [dog whimpers]

Hello, Martin. Come on, love.

- [whimpers] - There's your foot.

Thank you, Vincent.

Come on, Cardi, love.

It's all right, Martin. Let's get you to the racetrack.

Get back in your box, twinkletoes.

- [bell rings] - [machine whirrs]

- [cheering and applause] - [dogs barking]

[muffled announcements over PA]

["Dog Days Are Over" playing]

Go on, lad, here we go.

- Go on, Cardi. - [Erin] Go on, Cardi.

Let's hope he's been for a shit already this time. Go on, Cardi.

♪ The dog days are over ♪

♪ The dog days are gone… ♪

- Here's to your community centre. - And a life free of fear.

- [bell rings] - Here we go! Come on, lad…

Here it comes. Here it comes. Come on, mate.

[all screaming]

Come on, mate.

Come on, Martin.

Go on! Fuck me…

Come on, Martin.

Yes, yes!

[all cheering]

Yes, you fucking did it!

[cheering and applause]

["Woncha Come On Home" playing]

♪ Every light is on but all the rooms ♪

♪ Are empty except one ♪

♪ Oh, baby, don't stay too late ♪

- We all ready to go camping? - I'd rather get a UTI.

At least one of us is prepared for the wilderness.

- [thunderous rumbling] - Dylan on drugs.

Classic horror film mistake, that.

It's cursed.

I've seen things.

- I'm fucking shitting myself? - [farts] Ah…

- Don't move! - We're all gonna fucking die here.

Jesus Christ. Help us!

♪ I've got so much trouble in my mind ♪

♪ I've got so much trouble in my mind ♪

♪ I've got so much trouble in my mind ♪

♪ I've got so much trouble in my mind ♪

♪ Give me the strength to carry on ♪

♪ Give me the strength to carry on ♪

♪ 'Cause everything I've got Is just about gone ♪