Original subtitles

[whispers] 34% was always enough.

Mr McCann, I've got a proposal.

- [Vinnie] The bank gave you a loan. - Yes.

I hope you're not telling me any porkies.

[softly] I always think about what you whispered.

[Tuma] The safe is no longer here.

- Terence... - You're done.

He wouldn't do anything to Tyler, would he?

[sobbing] Nothing is happening to that boy.

- Where is Tyler? - He's gone. I lost him.

- Tyler? - I'll get him back.

[tense music playing]

[Erin reading] "My darling Vinnie."

"I'm scared, so I have to go."

"I will miss you forever."

"And I hope you can forgive me."

[car horn blaring in distance]

["Everything I Am Is Yours" playing]

♪ I am just a man ♪

♪ Tipping on the wire ♪

♪ Tightrope walking fool ♪

♪ Balanced on desire ♪

♪ I cannot control… ♪

[phone rings]

♪ These ever-changing ways ♪

♪ So how can I be sure ♪

♪ The feeling will remain? ♪

♪ It'll always change ♪

♪ But everything I am ♪

♪ Is yours ♪

- [horn blares, tyres screech] - Oh, fuck me!

Careful, dickhead! 'Ey up! Vinnie?

[laughs loudly] Come here, Ringo. Good to see you.

You stink of patchouli oil, man. It's overwhelming.

I nearly fucking killed you there.

Yeah, I'm sorry. I'm fucking miles away at the minute.

Well, I'm glad I nearly killed you there,

'cause me and the band have got a gig tonight.

- Brilliant. - 'Cause, er,

you'll never guess who's getting married again?

- Yeah? Go on? - Well, guess.

- I don't… know. - No, guess, man.

- Fuck me… Pete the eunuch? - No, it's me, you daft twat.

Hey! Fantastic!

And you'll never guess who I'm getting married to.

- I don't... - It's Babs.

Babs? Fucking Babs… is who you're getting married to.

But you got married and you got divorced.

And now we're getting married again.

The prawn cocktail thing nearly tore you a new arsehole, didn't it?

You were really upset.

Well, the thing is I put that behind us, Vin.

You know, forgive and forget.

She's a good girl and it's for keeps.

Good, man. That's fucking fantastic. I'm made up for you.

- Listen, I'll see you tonight, then? - Grand.

- Eight o'clock, Crow's Nest. - It's a fucking date.

- 'Ere, bring Erin. - Oh…

All right, cheerio, dickhead.

- Yeah. - [engine starts]

Go on, get out of it, you big cunt.

[horn blares, tyres screech]

- Fucking hell! - Bellend. What ya doing?

Sorry. Fuck me, sorry. Miles away.

♪ The best things in life are free ♪

♪ But you can give them To the birds and bees ♪

♪ I need money… ♪

I just wanna know where she is, know what I mean?

Yeah. Well, she says she doesn't want finding.

Yeah, I know. But she's fucked off with my little lad, Cardi,

and I'm fucking… My heart's breaking.

She's scared about McCann.

Yeah, but fucking hell. He's not gonna be around much longer, is he?

He's getting sent down, hopefully. He'll be gone out of our lives forever.

Just need to see her…

so I can talk to her properly.

[dogs barking]

- [clears throat] - I don't like seeing you sad, man.

- Do you wanna throw the ball? - Oh shit, yeah. [chuckles]

- [man grunts] - Oh, fuck me. Dude, shit.

- Hey! - You fucking idiots!

Idiots!

He's fuck… He's… he's run off.

[cheering]

We are Tonguesten and we came here to rock your bloody tits off!

- [rock music blasting] - [off-key yelling]

[Babs] I fucking love you!

[screaming]

That is shit, innit? That to me,

is the dying screams of a murder victim.

Ted Bundy, the musical.

I'd fucking watch that.

That name, Tonguesten, yeah?

I assume it's a play on the word "tungsten,"

but it's not even a heavy metal. It'll shatter on impact.

- [glass smashes] - Know what, yeah?

They should have called it something like…

- Titanium. - [sarcastic laugh] Shut up!

- Have you… have you heard from her? - No! Fuck no!

No. Got a few WhatsApp videos from Tyler, that's it.

- Have you heard anything? - Nah.

[speaker feedback]

- Hiya, boys! - Eh, boys?

Oh, Sugar, you're always seeking attention.

You all right, Babs?

What's going on with that little diabetes shoe you've got there?

[sighs] Ketamine and roller skating do not mix.

- Well, you look very well. - Aw, this is the glow of true love.

I think it's great that you're trying again.

There's not many couples could get over that prawn cocktail incident.

It was shrimp. And it was a misunderstanding.

So, Barbara, when's the big day? Are we all invited, then?

This Saturday, in Merthyr Tydfil, where my parents are.

You are all more than welcome.

Tonguesten are playing!

Oh, well, in that case, abso-fucking-lutely not!

Thank you very much.

[line ringing]

[grunts]

Hi, it's Erin. Leave a message after the beep.

- Bye. - [beep]

Look, it's me again, for the fifteen-hundredth fucking time.

I know you're getting these messages, Erin…

and I just wish I knew where you were.

I only want to help you out, ya know?

[rapid knocking]

Fucking hell's teeth!

Oh, course, why wouldn't it be.

Fuck are you doing in't middle of woods?

Oh, this is nice and cosy, Vin.

Yeah. What do you want?

I gave my friends the slip to come and find you.

- Right, then. - Because, Vinnie,

there's one thing I need from you before I get wed.

- Go on, then. - I need you to make love to me.

Pfft! Gross! Taking the piss.

You do fancy me, don't you?

- No! - Well, that's not true.

That's not the issue, though, is it?

You're getting married this weekend to bloody Ringo, you knobhead.

Yeah, exactly.

I'm committing myself to him for the rest of my life.

But before I get hitched, I just need one last one,

and I'm choosing you, Vinnie.

Now, you, just…

away over there.

[chuckling] Er, no.

Oh, come on. We're here now. I'll just take my clothes off.

Jesus Christ! What is wrong with you?

Wading through the woods like a sexual tyrannosaur.

You doing like that… Er, no!

You're terrifying tonight. What's the matter with you?

Come on. Nobody'd know.

I will know, won't I? I'll know. It'll never leave me.

I'm very sad and I'm very depressed,

and fuck me, dude, I miss my fucking boy.

And even if I wanted to shag ya…

[softly] my todger doesn't really work.

- What if I showed you my boob trick? - Go on, then.

- Together. - Hmm.

Single. Individual. Together.

- Single. - It's amazing. Do you want a brew?

- No, do you wanna finger me? - No! How many sugars do you want?

- Er, three, please. - [cooker ignition clicks]

[Tyler] Hi, Daddy.

Mummy and me are having a great time on our trip,

but, look, I broke my arm, and it doesn't even hurt.

And… I've drawn you too,

but Mum says it's got too much hair.

Love you, Daddy.

- [chuckles] Hmm. He's cute. - [soft music plays on stereo]

I never knew that you and Erin… uh-uh.

Hmm, yeah, many moons ago.

- We were wrecked. - [chuckles]

Ended up coming away with this little horror. [laughs]

- You must miss him like crazy. - I do, yeah.

Feels like someone's ripped my bloody arm off.

- And you've no idea where they are? - No.

No, I mean, fucking hell, they could be anywhere. [sniffs]

It's a shame you don't know a doctor. They could tell you.

What do you mean?

Well, if Tyler's broken his arm, means he's been to hospital.

So it'll be on his medical records, name of the hospital, temporary address.

But that's all confidential.

You'd have to know a doctor really well to get that kind of info.

Fucking…

It's terrifying how you just put all that together.

You're a fucking genius, Babs.

Shit, dude, I could lay you right now.

- There's always time for that, love. - Absolutely not!

- [knocking] - Chri…

Christopher, it's fucking Vincent.

Jesus Christ. Oh!

- Hello. - Hiya, is Christopher in?

He says to tell you that he's busy.

Right, you just go in there, and you tell that posh, fat-headed turd

to bring his bony arse to come down to this porch, on the immediate.

Or I'll cut his fucking weed supply off.

He does have a lovely arse.

He also has a fat head.

Vinnie, what do you want?

Hi, I'm Chris.

- I'm Barbara. - Nice outfit.

It's my hen do.

- What's going on? - Why you here?

Did you not… Have you got changed?

- No. - Eh?

Different person. Twins.

God sake! Why can't people just cuddle?

I need a favour. It's deeply unethical,

and Babs is caning for a shit.

Come on, dude. It's cold.

- Come on, quick. - [woman giggles]

[loud laughter]

So, there we were in the dark, hammer and tongs going at it.

The light came on. It was her bloody dad!

- Can you believe it? - [keyboard clacks]

Dude, these threesomes… Is there not like a moment

where you're like, pfft, it's all a bit much?

You've never had a threesome?

No, I've never had a fucking three… Never even had a twosome, barely.

They're phenomenal, Vinnie.

Got Amelia over there stroking your head with long, manicured fingers.

Meanwhile, Jemima, downstairs, taking care of business.

Gross.

Listen, if I give you any advice, medical advice, as your doctor,

don't die before you've had a threesome.

- [keyboard clacking] - Here we are.

Tyler Croft. Three… Er, confidentiality.

Hospital admission, 3-6-2013.

Bronglais General Hospital, Caradog Road, Aberystwyth.

- That's Wal… That's Wales, innit? - Yeah.

- Is there an address? - Care of address.

- Give us that. What does it say? - [groans]

Gell-dilly-ywll caravan park in Grad-clan…

I mean, it's just letters tossed together, Welsh, isn't it?

Christ, she's in a fucking trailer park in Wales.

It says, "care of address until the end of the month".

Shit. Well, that's this fucking weekend.

She'll be on her way back, maybe.

Or moving on.

Shit. Babs?

Yeah?

How far's M-Martha Tydville from Aberys...

- Aberystwyth? - Yeah.

Oh, I don't know, love. 60 miles?

That's not so bad. Can I still come to your wedding, please?

Oh, course you can, love.

Hey, ask your friend if I can stay the night.

- Course you can. - [excited chuckle]

- Never had a foursome. - It'll be horrible.

Chinny, chin-chin. Chinny, chin-chin. Up the bum, no harm done.

- [women laughing] - [both men chuckle]

["Touch Sensitive" playing]

[van horn blaring]

Ho, ho, ho! Bonjour, mesdames et messieurs.

Comment allez-vous?

What the fuck's all this, dude?

This, my luscious lads, is my latest business venture.

A reflective truck?

Yes, Dylan, very observant. Reflective truck from the outside.

- But from the inside… - [gasps and laughter]

- …observez-vous. - [Vinnie] Absolutely wonderful.

The whole thing's all two-way glass.

It's one-way glass, in't it, Ashley?

'Cause two-way glass, that's just normal glass.

- Think about it. - Oh, one-way glass, whoa!

- Right, you and you. On the bed. - Why?

Demonstration time.

Now the world, as I see it, right, is full of exhibitionists, all right?

Let's pretend, for a moment, that our lovely young couple here

- are, in fact, fornicating. Go on. - Oh, fuck off.

- Ashley, take it away. - [grunts]

Now, meanwhile, I'll be up front.

I'll be driving us round, past shops, past cafes,

maybe past a cop car.

And in the back, although they know it's an illusion,

it will seem to them, for all the world, as if they are fucking in public.

[chuckles] I have struck gold with this one, I'm telling ya.

I can feel it in my piss.

- Ashley, give over, man, will ya? - Hey! Get that off!

You're confusing him.

- Fucking £16.99. - Ah!

- [Tommo] Jesus Christ. - Be that as it may,

I am fucking impressed.

It's cool. But, I mean…

Today it's gonna have to just be a shit van, innit?

- Driving to mid-Wales. - That's not really the point of it.

Listen, the rest of you lot,

you better have kept schtum about this fucking Erin mission.

'Cause if she finds out that I'm on me way...

Well, she could fucking bolt, here.

So, let's all see them zips. Zip gesture.

Dude, zip gesture. Do the thing.

- Why would I do that? - Why wouldn't you do the zip gesture?

- I'm not a child. - You hiding something? You are.

- I'm not hiding something. - Do it!

You're pathetic.

- [all shouting] - Do it! Zip gesture, JJ!

- All right, sound. - [muffled grunts]

Unzip for it, you fucking melon.

There's only one slight problem, right.

Erm, my wife, Carol…

She wants to come and I couldn't think of a reason why she couldn't.

Dude, I gave you the fucking reason. It is a boys-only road trip.

- [knocking] - [Babs] Hiya, boys.

Oh, sick, Babs is here. Get out of t'way.

Why's she coming?

- 'Ey up, Babs, come here. - What else?

Have you brought your mum, have ya?

["Can I Get A Witness?" playing]

[Babs chuckling]

♪ Ah, listen, everybody ♪

♪ Especially you girls ♪

♪ Is it right to be left alone While the one you love… ♪

[groaning]

[Dylan] This is absolute fucking madness.

You gonna pick up a hitchhiker now, so she can get laid?

What am I gonna do? What am I…

I mean, she wants to get laid one more time before she gets hitched.

- She wants to frolic, man. - So what happened with Dr Chris?

Well…

She said it was weird.

Actually… Actually, what she said was…

I liked the idea, but the reality, there were too many elbows.

Hmm.

Why's she even marrying him if she's still acting like this?

Dyldo, honestly, I'm as happy about it as you are, bud,

but she's helped me find Erin, so that's what I'm gonna fucking do.

- Poor Ringo. - I know. She's an animal, dude.

So you still haven't found the right woman, Tommo, or man?

You know me, Barbara.

- I'm a cowboy, on a silver horse I ride. - [laughs]

What the fuck does that mean? No, you should settle down, love.

Trust me. I mean, look at them two.

[chuckles] Who the hell put them two together, huh?

- Opposites attract, innit? - No, no. I think it's brilliant.

Half the town's seen your girl's jigglers and you're okay with it.

- What the fuck? - Ha!

You either shut your gob or you're getting married with a shiner.

See? Love, wonderful. [cackles]

[mutters] Here we go.

Let me ask you a question. Have you ever had a threesome?

- No. - Lying, straight away.

Straight away, you fucking handsome liar.

Dude, everyone's having really sexy, tropical sexy time.

I'm just fucking wanking in the deep dark…

I bet he's had a bloody threesome, hasn't he?

- Ash. Yeah. Well, yeah. No. Yeah. - What's this?

Threesomes. Dill's saying you had one.

- We did. - Hey?

You were inside. I'm surprised you told him.

I didn't fucking tell him.

What the f… What the actual fuck?

No, we were… We… Hey! We were off our faces.

Yeah, yeah. It was just messing.

Weird.

Get me a fucking crunchie.

- It did happen, though. - What? It didn't fucking happen.

I just can't believe it.

- Hey! Don't show him fucking that! - Don't show… Fuck, man! Put it away!

["Written In Your Hair" playing]

[retching]

That there is motion sickness, like.

We can't travel there in the back.

There's only one seat in the front with me.

So one of you can go with Vincent.

Oi, Cardi, come and jump in back with me and our Ashley.

Can have a lie down, love.

Has anyone got any food? I'm fucking starving now.

Not to freak anyone out there,

but when we pulled up, that car pulled up and no one's got out,

and now we're setting off, they're setting off.

Shit, you don't think it's McCann's men, do you?

Why the fuck would it be McCann's men?

"Why McCann's men?"

We got him sent down. He's being sentenced today.

Shit.

See if they follow.

["Cannonball" playing]

- Shit. They're following. - Shit. Bollocks.

We wanna to be certain. Take the next exit there.

Can't, dude. We'll fucking lose Tommo, won't we?

- Fuck Tommo. Why did I swap cars? - Take the next left, please.

Are they still following?

Er… no.

Oh, shit! Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!

- They're following. - Fucker!

I don't wanna die! I should've stayed with Carol.

They're coming up pretty fucking fast now.

- Go faster than they are. - Go, go, go.

What do think… What do you think I'm tryna do?

- It only goes so fast. - Vin, Vin. I'm too young to die!

You're not gonna die, Cardi.

Last time you said that, someone got their head chopped off!

At least you've had a fucking threesome.

- [grunting] - Oh, fuck! We're being rammed.

- Why are they ramming? - They're ramming.

- [grunting] - Let's just… Let's just stop the car.

Slow down and… and fucking reason with 'em.

Oh, that's a fucking fantastic idea.

Let's just stop the car and reason with the men

who are trying to ram us off the fucking road.

- Shit! - Fucking hell!

- Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! - Wait! Hey, move!

[all screaming]

[Dylan] No! No! No! There's a sign! It's closed!

They're never doing any fucking work. I'm gonna get us through there.

Hey! Hey! Hey!

- [all screaming] - [tyres screech]

Fucking hell! Ooh!

- [horn toots] - [clattering]

[Vinnie] We'll have to go through the back. Fuck me.

Davey, what the fuck, man? The fuck are you playing at, eh?

- You nearly killed us there. - We were just having some fun, Vincent.

- Why are you following us? - Following ya?

What a vivid imagination you have, Vincent.

We were just on our way to a wedding. Pure coincidence.

Not Ringo and Babs, huh?

Yes. Ringo's an old pal of mine. You going too?

We fucking were. Yes, we were.

Should be a nice bash. Maybe see you down there, boys.

Come and help us… No, no, no!

Hey! Come pull us out, man. Behave yourself.

Sorry. Long journey ahead.

Oh, by the way, Vincent.

I do hope your weed grow is safe while you're away.

Because you know what they say, "finders keepers".

- What's he on about? - They're trying to nick the weed.

Don't nick… Don't nick the weed.

- What you doing? - Wishing them well.

The fuck? Don't wave at him.

[Cardi] Dylan, I would check the carburettor.

Fuck.

No signal.

We're gonna have to push this car, lads.

Right, you get on that end.

- Me and Cardi will pull. Ready? - Yeah.

One, two, three, go.

[grunting]

Dude, there's just no way we're getting out of here without a tow.

- You slapper. Fuck! - This is farming land, yeah?

Logic dictates there's gotta be a farm around here somewhere.

So we'll just have to find one and see if they can pull us out.

That's not a bad idea. Come on, then.

- Let's go find a fucking farmer. - Cardi. Come on, love.

["Madness" playing]

[Tommo] Now then, Barbara.

In my experience, right, a trucker is a very randy breed of man.

So, what I'm pitching to you, sweetheart, is this.

We use our time here wisely, you choose one you like the look of,

and we get this whole one last fling idea put to bed once and for all.

- How's about that? - But they're all fat, Tommo. And old.

I want a skinny man.

I know, sweetheart, but, er, beggars can't be choosers, can they?

So what about this chap here in the hi-vis?

Ey? What about him? Lovely chap, shiny head...

He looks like my Uncle Alwyn.

I'm not having my last new penis be a sweaty trucker, Tommo.

They probably never wash.

It'll be like a cheese factory down there.

I do have taste, love. Standards.

Thank you very much, Vincent. Thank you very much.

- [Vinnie] Dickhead. - [Ash laughing]

[Vinnie] Oh, fuck!

Lost my fucking shoe there. Help me find it.

Send them a message. Tell them we're cracking on

and they'll have to meet us there. Sugar.

I don't like this.

My Cardi would never switch his phone off.

- Yeah, but what else can we do? - I don't know.

But he's gonna be lost without his mammy.

He's like a small boy needing the nipple.

A soft, ample breast of affection.

Hiya, love. What's your name?

- Leo. - Hiya, Leo.

- Your daddy's very handsome. - [chuckles]

- Really sorry. Come on, then. - Get off!

I bet, since you arrived,

you've stopped all your daddy's fun.

And I bet your daddy hasn't had

any bouncy bounce in a long, long time.

Hey, lady!

If I could just borrow your daddy, would that be...

- We're really sorry about this. - Get off!

Who the hell are you?

Oh, you've got a lovely husband. Five minutes.

Five minutes, let me go! [screams]

[sombre music playing]

- [echoing] Cut his dick off. - No! No! No! No!

It's McCann's sentencing today.

I'm fucking shitting myself.

If he don't get sent down, he'll come for us, you know.

Might have to come and live out here.

Dickhead.

Come on. They've got him on five counts. Surely a couple must stick.

What's that noise?

[vehicle approaching]

[horn toots]

- All right. - How's it going?

Stop you there. Where's he going? What's he doing?

Just hang on. Hang on.

So sorry, mate.

So sorry. I'm so sorry to stop you like this.

- Just turn off the... - [engine revving]

Turn it off with the screwdriver, why not?

Listen, we've got ourselves in a right jam.

We got stuck in a bridge, you see.

We're looking for a farm, so that maybe a tractor,

a bit of a tow situation going on. You know what I mean?

Can you tell us where the farm is, please?

Well, as it happens, gentlemen…

this is your lucky day…

because I live up at the old farmhouse.

That's amazing. Thank God for that. Have you got a tractor?

[hesitantly] Yes.

Could you help pull us out with said tractor, do you think?

I can…

on two conditions.

You must remove your shoes before entering my vehicle,

and two, I have a small job to attend.

Okay. I'm just...

Just out of interest, I just wonder how long that's gonna take, that job?

No more than 11 minutes.

Outstanding. Guys, get in the car.

- [Cardi] Can I go in front? - No!

Knobhead.

Man, thanks for picking us up. My name's Vinnie.

- That's Dylan… - 'Ey up, man.

Ashley, and that's Cardi.

Hiya.

I'm Eric, Eric Nosh.

Don't worry. I've heard all the jokes.

[chuckling] Blowjob jokes your whole life.

- What? - [snorts]

No… food.

Oh, right, yeah. Okay, sorry.

- Ah-ha! - [handbrake cranks]

Here's my little friend.

[Dylan] What's he doing?

He's got an imaginary friend, this man.

[Cardi] I hope he's not a serial killer.

Serial killers don't wear crocs, man.

That's not the fashion of a serial killer.

- There it is. Dead fox. - Still quite fresh.

Have you all eaten?

[boot squeaks, thuds]

[groans]

[slasher music playing]

Hey, Cardi, stop freaking out. You've watched too many movies.

What if he comes back with an axe?

He's an old man. We could overpower him easy.

- Not if he's got a gun. - He had a fucking axe a second ago.

What if he's got both? What if these teas are drugged?

- You've eaten enough biscuits? - Hey, hey, oi!

Give over now. He's just a bloke

who's gonna put his fucking boots on and give us a tow.

- Yeah, a human toe. - [Eric] Right, then.

That's the footwear situation amended. How's the tea?

- Good. - Fantastic.

I brought you these.

That's good of ya.

[clears throat]

- It's a croc and a pink sock. - Yeah.

[clears throat]

Just admiring your stu… your stuffed animal.

Do you do a bit of taxidermy?

Yes, it's a hobby of mine. Hence the fox.

Ah, he doesn't eat them. You don't eat roadkill, do ya?

Absolutely, I eat them.

- You eat them? - Yeah.

Follow me.

A barn owl, that's a lovely bird.

Sparrow hawk. That one flew into the window.

Hedgehog… surprisingly nutty.

Polecat, odd spongy texture. Ugh!

Look at that… deer.

Testes and his penis.

Can you eat a penis, can you?

- You can eat penis, certainly. - Right.

Tends to be a tad grisly, but we persevere.

Good on ya. [clears throat]

So, as you can see,

we shagged the fucking thing into a bridge.

You've got yourselves in a fix.

Yes, we do. Could you unfix us, please?

Attach this to your van. Not the bumper.

Obviously. You know what I mean.

He thinks were a bunch of lemonheads, this lad.

Look at this now. Bumper straight away.

What you doing there, you? That's the fucking bumper.

Give it to me. You're overtired.

Yeah, that'll do it.

- Oh, fuck a duck. - What?

Fuck me. Look at the state of that.

I assume you have yourselves a spare.

- No. - I do have a friend.

Human or animal?

Very human. Walter.

He runs a garage, but it's, er, several miles away, I'm afraid.

Right. How long do you think it'd take our Walter

to get here with a spare?

He usually takes a nap around this time, as he only has one leg.

- Of course he does. - Best course of action,

come back to mine, spot of dinner while we wait.

- Yes? - Yes.

- Shit. - What? Why?

I don't know why I said it, I panicked. I just panicked, guys.

Fuck me. Just get in the back of the trailer.

[Babs] You'd love it if I was a stranger and I was coming on to you.

- He'd think you were a tart. - A tart, is it? Stripper.

Yes, tart it is. And it's ex-stripper.

- Twat. - Twat, is it?

Yes, twat. Welsh tart.

- [Babs] Let's be having it! - Fucking stop it! Stop it!

[horn blares, tyres screech]

[siren blares]

Oh, cops!

Oh, hey-aw! Oh, yeah, that's bad.

You just please tell me that you are taxed and insured.

- Er, not exactly, no. - Meaning?

- Er, not at all. - [handbrake cranks, siren blaring]

I told you so many fucking times. You need to be taxed and insured!

Will one of you please just swap places with me,

because as it happens, I also don't have a driver's licence.

[groans]

Leave this to me.

There's not a cop in the world that can resist Irish charm.

What seems to be the officer, problem?

- This your vehicle, madam? - It's not, actually, no.

We borrowed it off a friend, because this lady here

is getting married tomorrow in Meredith Tydil,

and we have to get there as a matter of great urgency.

- Love your uniform. - Thanks.

I used to go to places like that. People dressing up as doctors, cops.

- Firemen were my faves. - Right.

Out of the vehicle, please. All of you.

- Open the back, please. - All right.

What we got going on in here?

- It's a mobile erotic parlour, in't it? - You making pornography?

No, no, no! Nothing like that, sweetheart.

No, no, no, no. I have done the porn, Eager Beavers 23.

Very successful series, it was too.

It went downhill after, I'd say, Eager Beavers 29.

But very popular out there.

- Very, very popular. - Shut up.

I assume this is in no way an illegal endeavour?

Absolutely not.

Jesus! Oi!

Wait here. Oi!

What the fuck did she do that for?

Right, fuck this. Let's get off, let's get off.

Go on, get in, get in the van!

Look, this is getting fucking stupid, this is.

For crying out loud, we've been here bloody hours now.

If I don't get to that caravan park by tomorrow,

she could've bloody gone. Do you know what I mean?

I don't think he rang anyone.

I don't think there is a Walter.

Just give over with that, Cardi.

- I wish my wife Carol was here. - Wife Carol.

You're with your mates!

Yeah, I am, and I'm stuck outside a farmhouse

in the middle of fucking nowhere, waiting for a one-legged mechanic

with a weirdo that eats f-fox bollocks!

Oi. You're working yourself up, dude. He doesn't eat fox bol…

Oh, fucking hell!

You all right?

Dinner almost ready, gentlemen.

If you'd like to wash your hands.

Here we go.

Delicious.

I'm really sorry to ask this, but is your friend gonna be much...

- Is he gonna be much longer or… - Shouldn't be.

I asked him to bring back one or two items he'd borrowed,

so he may be gathering those.

Right, then.

Potatoes, broccoli, carrots and…

Fox stew.

The intestines are chargrilled with garlic and onion.

Chopped chervil, star anise, pine nuts.

Have you been doing this long, then, the eating of the roadkill?

Only since my girlfriend left.

D… Didn't eat her, did you? [chuckles nervously]

No. You three get started.

- I've saved the best part for you. - I can see that. What's going on?

- The head. - Ooh, ooh. [nervous chuckle]

[confused grunting]

I… I'm not a… It's…

I'm just not a big eater. Never have been.

Cardi, fucking hell. Give him an 'ead.

No, no. I just smoke.

Nonsense.

Get stuck in there, Vin. Yum, yum.

If you cut straight in here, you can get to the brains.

- [pleadingly] Why? - Delicacy.

- Is it? - Trouble is,

they sometimes liquify and bubble out.

[burps]

You know, I'm looking at this lad 'ere.

He… he's still gotten a tongue in there, ain't he?

- Don't you want it? - No.

That's the best bit.

He's gonna eat it. In. In it goes.

- [retches] - Just straight in.

I've gotta tell you, this is the most mental fucking meal

I think I've ever experienced.

Thank you.

I have…

eaten the tongues of almost every animal you can think of

and they all taste spectacular.

But they say the best by far…

- is human tongue. - [gags]

That's the one I'd really like to try.

- [knock on window] - Fucking hell!

- Oh. That'll be Walter. - [relieved sighs]

Handsome, isn't he?

["Be Careful Where You Park Your Car" playing]

Right! Five minutes, regroup. My nerves are fucking frazzled.

Right. I'd just like to take a moment to assess where we are.

We've lost the bride of the wedding we are attending.

And half our party have gone AWOL in a Bedford Rascal.

We are, as the Welsh would say, "cachu hwch."

- What does that mean? - Absolutely fucked up the arse, mate.

- Do you think we should call her? - [all] No!

No. We're not calling.

If she's being nicked and we call her, then the police get our number.

Before you know it, they're sweeping in, arresting us,

before we've had a chance to finish our fucking pints.

All right, so what we gonna do?

Well, thank you for asking, JJ. Snippy. [sniffs]

Right, three options.

Option A… [clears throat]

We sack it all off.

We fuck off home on the train and I come back up later,

when the heat has died down, to collect the truck.

Option B, we call Ringo, explain what's happened

and let the chips fall whither they may.

- I don't like that one. - Same.

- And three? - Well, it's C, in't it?

It's A, B, C. It's not A, B, fucking three. Jesus.

- Fucking C, then. - You know what she means.

All right, C. And this one happens to be my preferred option.

We get another round of drinks in, snort a few trunkie lines of Gak...

- What? - Let the good times roll,

knees up mother brown and fuck it all off till tomorrow.

[all cheering]

- Fuck. There's no fucking tyre. - What's he handing to him?

- Oh, dude, that's a… that's a… - An industrial tree cutter.

- They're gonna eat us. - No, no.

There's four of us and two of them and there's one of them has a peg leg.

- Fucking hell! - Oh, fuck me!

All right, that's terrifying. Listen, listen, listen.

All right, it's like fucking Deliverance.

We've got to get out of here right the fuck now.

- What we do? - Er… Back way.

- Back way. - We'll go the back way, then.

Fuck. It's fucking locked.

Bollocks! Kick it down! You need to kick it!

- [door crashes] - [Vinnie laughs]

Dude, he's lost his shoe. Dude, get out of the fucking way.

- Oh, dude, check all this shit out. - [Cardi] What the fuck?

Go, go, go, go, go. Where the fuck's Cardi?

- Back in. Cardi. Cardi! - Puffins!

Put it down. Get the fuck out of here, man.

Come on!

["New Rose" playing]

- Wait! Look! - [Vinnie] What? Oh!

Get on the bike. Get on the bike. Has it got keys?

[all shouting indistinctly]

[engine revs]

What on earth?

Hey! Stop! Thieves!

- [Ash] Wait, what about the Rascal? - [Vinnie] We'll get it on the way back.

[Dylan] Oh, stop the bike. Got a signal.

Well in, gentlemen! Well in. Fuck me!

Fix-a-flat liquid. Maybe he was gonna fix the tyre.

About fucking time, some signal.

Right, get in touch with the others, yeah?

Find out where the fuck they are. Get a sat-nav as well.

For crying out loud, we're not fucking around now, all right?

We're going straight to fucking Wales.

Piss farting around. Here, I've got a voice note here, off Ringo.

All right, Vin? Got a message from Babs.

Saying she can't make the wedding,

and you and Tommo are to blame.

For fuck sake, man! Listen,

if she's not there tomorrow, I'll get the MacDonaghs to cut

your fucking balls off, you daft twat.

Capisce? You piece of shit.

Fuck!

- [glass smashing] - [Vinnie] One fucking job!

To get fucking Babs to Wales, that was it!

Why did she hit a copper?

- Why? Why? - Because she's a crazy fucking bitch!

Sweetheart, that's why, and now she's in some fucking jail cell somewhere

and frankly, good fucking riddance.

It's not good riddance, it's bad!

Fucking MacDonaghs are gonna cut our dicks off.

What's all this shit, dude? Why you fucking partying, pizza everywhere?

Honestly, dude.

The only reason I'm doing this

is because I wanna find Erin and my boy, you know?

The last thing I wanna do is run around the Welsh countryside

looking for a fucking orange nymphomaniac.

I know, I know. I'm sorry.

Come here, sweetheart, come here.

- That's it. It's all right, baby. - [trills lips]

- Hey. - Hmm?

- Tell me this, though, right. - Hmm?

If we were fucking now, in here, would that not be very kinky?

Yeah?

You ruin things, dude.

- [clamouring] - [car horn beeping]

Oh, fuck me. Hey, hey!

- What's going on? - McCann got life!

Fucking life, Vin. Guilty on all charges.

It's over! It's fucking over!

[cheering, laughing]

["Aquarius/Let The Sunshine In" playing]

[chanting]

[music fades]

[snoring]

[Ash] Feels good, doesn't it?

Just freedom. Back to the way we were.

Honestly, I miss Cardi, though.

My best mate, and now just...

Hey, he's still your best mate, Ash.

Yeah. My sister stole him away from me, though.

Isn't that mad?

My own sister stole my best mate away from me.

[tuts] Give over.

Look, it happens, man.

People fall for one another. It's what happens.

We can't help but think about them all the time.

They're the only person you want to be with.

But that doesn't mean he doesn't love his mate, you know.

- He needs ya. - Yeah?

- Definitely. - Hmm, definitely.

What time is it?

Oh, fuck me.

There's no point.

I'm never gonna fall asleep. [groans]

It's been nice partying about the McCann thing, but fuck me, dude,

I want to get to that trailer park.

Well, go, then.

I swear to God. Whinging about it. Just go.

Jump on that fucking motorcycle out there and go immediately.

- But Babs and... - We'll sort Babs out.

Don't worry about that. Just go.

I'm only gonna say it once. Just go, will you?

All right, man. Give us me coat.

Try not slam that door, will you?

- [shouts] You what? - [door slams]

Don't slam the…

♪ I would have given you all of my heart ♪

♪ But there's someone Who's torn it apart ♪

♪ Baby, I'll try to love again ♪

♪ But I know ♪

♪ The first cut is the deepest ♪

♪ Baby, I know ♪

♪ The first cut is the deepest ♪

♪ 'Cause when it comes To being lucky, he's cursed ♪

♪ That's how I know… ♪

- [chain rattling] - [mutters] Son of a bitch.

Dude, I'm really sorry to bother you, man.

Could you just quickly switch the pumps on for me, like a goodun?

Not open till 10:00.

Oh, fucking hell, man. You could be a fucking hero.

Stop sweeping the floor and come over to me.

Comes a time in every man's life where he has to step up,

and turn the pumps on before they're due.

Not open till 10:00.

Dude, you're a fucking arsehole, and you're a turd.

You're a turd and a dickhead. Oh, wow.

I'm taking this bike.

I'm gonna take your bike.

- You've brought this on yourself. - [chain jangling]

Shouldn't have put a padlock outside like a Rita.

- See you later. - Oi, get back here!

["The First Cut Is the Deepest" resumes playing]

That's smart. Ready?

- Yeah. - Let's go.

- Thank you, Annie. - See ya.

Just let me do the talking. Just let me do the talking.

Fucking hell.

[clears throat] I called earlier. I'm looking for Barbara Speed!

[in posh accent] We're her solicitors and I want to tell you,

she's been the victim of overzealous policing…

[louder] and she should not be here cage-ed… like a common criminal.

We released her 30 minutes ago with a warning.

- [in normal voice] Righto. - Good.

As well you should.

It's his first day.

["Just Like Honey" playing]

[gulls squawking]

♪ Listen to the girl ♪

♪ As she takes on half the world ♪

♪ Moving up and so alive… ♪

- What are you doing? - Digging a hole with a stick.

Digging a hole with a stick.

Here. I nicked that. Do you want it?

Don't fall off. Don't tell anyone where you got it.

You all right, love? Sorry to bother you.

Erin Croft, I'm looking for her.

She's got a little lad called Tyler. Is she around?

She's in number 35 down the bottom.

Thank God for that. You are a bloody angel.

- Or she was. Think she's moving on. - Oh, fuck me.

Erin?

Erin?

[melancholic music playing]

Erin, if you're in there and you can hear me,

I'm fucking sorry I've come. I just…

I didn't know what to do. I… I love you and I love Tyler, and…

McCann's gone.

He's been sent down,

so you don't have to worry about all them threats he was making.

He's gone… for a long time.

You took my boy away from me…

without saying goodbye.

Another ten minutes and I'd… I'd have been gone.

Where's Tyler?

He's just saying goodbye to a few of his mates.

So he's… he's definitely gone down, McCann?

Yeah. Life sentence. He's gone.

Thank God.

[Vinnie chuckling]

- Vin? - Hmm?

I'm planning on a new life, away from Hawley.

No, you don't have to now, if you don't want.

You're safe now. He's gone.

You know I fucking love you and I love that boy.

I need you near me.

Can't just run away from your friends. You've got a life there.

- Have I? - Yeah.

Look, I know… I know you wanna go.

I know you wanna leave one day.

Maybe just come back for a little bit.

["Don't Look Back Into the Sun" playing]

[laughing, indistinct conversation]

♪ Yow! ♪

♪ Don't look back into the sun ♪

♪ Now you know that the time is come ♪

♪ And they said It would never come for you ♪

♪ Oh-oh-oh-oh ♪

♪ Oh, my friend, you haven't changed ♪

♪ You're looking rough And living strange ♪

♪ And I know… ♪

I love him so much.

I am never cheating on him again.

I just want to be in Ringo's arms and never, ever let go.

Yeah, and maybe, er, lay off the prawn cocktail as well, eh?

[all jeer]

- [Babs] It was shrimp! - [laughter]

[music continues]

Hey up, guys! Look who it is!

[cheering]

- Where is he? - Come here!

- Hey. - Hey.

Fucking hell, I missed you.

- Come here. Good to see ya. - There you are!

Good to see you. Aw, little man.

♪ And I need you now tonight ♪

♪ And I need you more than ever… ♪

I love you so much.

[Babs screaming and moaning]

♪ And we'll only be making it right ♪

♪ 'Cause we'll never be wrong ♪

♪ Together we can take it To the end of the line ♪

♪ Your love is like a shadow On me all of the time… ♪

You made it then, Vincent.

Jesus, you fucking ruin everything.

I know, love. Great news about McCann.

Yeah, it is, actually.

You're now free to sell your weed without fear or torment.

Good for you, Vincent, good for you.

Just so long as no one finds out

your new grow is in the basement of the Rat & Cutter.

♪ Woo-hoo! That's right ♪

- Oh! Now, Davey… - Too late, Vincent.

- What the fuck are you… Shit! - It's all mine now.

Now, now, let's not spoil the occasion.

Yeah.

We'll talk next week.

I've actually got a little proposal for you.

I can give you the answer now, lads. It's a no.

We'll see, sweetheart. [chuckles]

- We'll see. - Hmm.

You've got a right set of wanking spanners on you, Bazz.

Fucking palm full of dicks.

♪ We'll be holding on forever ♪

♪ And we'll only be making it right 'Cause we'll never be wrong… ♪

[whispers] Fuck!

♪ Together we can take it To the end of the line ♪

Get a winning dog, win thousands.

[Dan] Say hello to Arson Fire.

[screaming, yelling]

That's not good.

Please tell me you're not getting involved with the MacDonaghs.

Towels off.

- [Vinnie] The dog found it. - That's severed.

Say hello to my little friend.

[slurring] It's my birthday!

Trapped in an undertaker's freezer. Don't panic.

[screaming]

[grunts]

♪ I've got so much trouble in my mind ♪

♪ I've got so much trouble in my mind ♪

♪ I've got so much trouble in my mind ♪

♪ I've got so much trouble in my mind ♪

♪ Give me the strength to carry on ♪

♪ Give me the strength to carry on ♪

♪ 'Cause everything I've got Is just about gone ♪