Original subtitles

["Sometimes I Feel So Deserted" playing]

[Vinnie's Dad] There's no room!

Dad? Dad?

- Dad? - There's no room!

No, no, no. No. Fuck, Dad, please?

- I told you, there's no room. - Fuck!

Told you. Find someplace else.

Fuck!

[echoing] No room!

[echoing] Find someplace else.

[gasps] Fuck!

What do you think?

I'd have used flame-throwers.

What you… What, what?

- Flame-throwers, against the zombies. - No. I didn't say…

Or…

Or a crossbow with flaming arrows.

From an elevated position. And you just pick them off. One by one.

- I didn't say zombies, did I? - They sound like zombies.

Didn't say zombies. I said they're like normal-looking people.

Yeah, but what if the zombies have developed the ability to

disguise themselves as normal people?

It's like three times I've told you now that they're not zombies

and it's just not sinking in.

They were normal-looking people.

And the reason I'm having these fucked-up dreams,

it's 'cause of all them pills you've put me on.

If you pick me up and shook me, I'd sound I'm like a maraca.

You can point the finger at the meds for your sleep disruption,

but the content of your dreams,

that's between you and your subconscious.

And there's environmental considerations.

Well, like what?

Like living alone in the big, dark woods smoking fat blunts

and watching the serial killer documentaries till you fall asleep.

I find 'em fucking fascinating.

Soothing.

Look, why don't you try a change of scene?

Go and stay somewhere else, see if that has any effect on your dreams.

Or, failing that, buy yourself a flame-thrower.

For fuck's sake.

- Do you want to see something horrible? - Yeah. Go on.

Had this patient in today. Have you seen the Elephant Man?

Yeah, I've seen the Elephant Man, yeah. John Merrick.

Makes John Merrick look like Linda Lusardi. Watch this.

- Oh, fuck. - [chortles]

Wait till I zoom in. I couldn't do anything with it.

- I went through three knives! - [laughs]

I shouldn't have shown it to you. Oh, I hate myself.

Jim's got a spare room.

Yeah, but it's… But it's a racist room. Do you know what I mean?

I can't be staying in a racist room, it's gonna make me feel worse.

- Stay at mine, if you like. - I not staying at yours… Dude.

- Fuck. - Sorry.

Why would I stay at yours?

- You've got… Come on. - I'm sorry.

You've got a lamb, there's fucking Carol.

I just… I need me own space.

You don't like sharing a toilet is more like it.

No, I don't like sharing a toilet, Dylan, because I'm a shy…

I'm… I'm a shy poo-er and I don't like the idea

someone could just fucking blaze on in on me, mid-squit.

Why don't you stop here tonight?

Kath and Sandra are off to see Tinsley in Rhyl.

You'd have the whole pub to yourself.

- Yeah? - Kath's room.

The decor is a bit niche, but she has a lovely, comfy bed.

Ashley, where the fuck is everyone?

I've got the pub to meself here and everyone has deserted me.

I'm with Tommo. Helping him out with something.

Oh, yeah? What's the big mystery?

Er, nothing, no, no. It's, er, just this thing.

What thing?

I borrowed 50 quid off him there last week

and now he's got me paying it back, doing a bunch of…

"entertaining" for these old girls.

- Ha-ha! You're joking? - I wish I was.

Right! Chop-chop.

- Show time! Now, then… - Need to go, Vin.

I want you to get out there…

and give those lovely ladies a fucking night to remember.

Here you are. Do summat sexy with it.

["The Only Way Is Up" plays faintly in club]

He loves it, really.

Ah, that's it.

- Go on! Gerrin! - [women screaming]

Gina'll be in first thing to clean. I'll be in from 10:00 to open up.

Right.

[keys jangle]

- Night, love. - Night, love.

[door creaks open]

[door closes]

[tense music plays]

Hmm…

[man on TV] What the neighbours didn't realise was that Robinson had,

in fact, killed his mother several years earlier

and slept alongside her mummified remains in her bed.

During a search of the property,

police uncovered the remains of 12 bodies that had been dismembered,

as well as a trophy wall featuring framed photos

of each of his victims…

remnants of his victims

throughout their own homes in the dead of night.

[Vinnie on phone] It's like a self-perpetuating nightmare.

My fucking subconscious is out to get me or summat.

- Hmm? - Fuck me… Dyldo?

- Are you listening, you? - No, I am.

All right, what did I just say then?

You were going on about zombies or something.

I didn't say zombies.

I never mentioned zombies. Nobody listens to me!

Dude, I'm baked man. You know? What do you want me to say?

I don't fucking know what I want you to say.

I've just told you I've just had a brutal dream,

about a group of sinister fucking…

joggers.

Wow.

Fuck off!

Dude, it wasn't real, was it?

If it were real, then I'd be more engaged, but it wasn't, so I'm not.

Oh, lah-di-dah!

Fucking Dylan.

Jesus Christ, forgive me.

Forgive me for not having a more engaging zombie dream.

- Dylan, the police are downstairs! - [coughs] What?

- The police are downstairs. - Fuck. Vin, I've got to go.

- They want to talk to you. - What do they want?

- Did they say what it was about? - No, but they don't look happy.

Shit, shit, shit, shit. I'm too high for this. Jesus Christ!

- Dylan? - Er… er…

- Dylan? - What? What?

[laughs] Your face was priceless!

- I'm sorry. I'm sorry. - Are the police here?

No. It's, erm, it's my parents.

- Oh. - They've come back with some friends.

[heavy exhale]

Come down and say hi.

Oh, everyone, this is my friend, Dylan.

- Hello, Dylan. - Hi.

- Hi, Dylan. - Hi, Dylan.

[breathes rapidly]

Thanks…

for, er, well, for coming.

So, where do you come from, Dylan?

Upstairs.

In Sara's bedroom.

No, no. Not doing anything. Just… I was…

I was just watching her get changed.

While she got changed.

I was looking right out of the window for the duration of her being…

naked.

Oh… [clears throat] Sorry, sorry.

Oh.

It's on silent. Erm… I probably should get this.

Hello. Yeah.

Damn. Right, okay.

Well, I… Yeah, I guess, if it is an emergency, then…

[phone ringing, "Axel F" by Crazy Frog as ringtone]

My friend has… He's changed this as a joke and I don't know how to…

Huh!

- [Vinnie] Dill, you done did it. - Hey, mate. Yeah.

You hung up! In the middle of telling you something!

Yeah, dude, man.

You'll never guess, right, there has just been some crossed-line thing.

It wasn't ringing then. Then it did, just now. So, all right, then, yeah.

- Dylan! Motherfucker! - [ends call]

[swallows] So, erm…

Sara was telling me that…

that this house was… was built in…

1947.

If I was ever designing a house like this, I would probably…

I'd probably take pictures of this and copy it, you know?

[clears throat]

[man on TV] It wasn't until after the shocking discovery

that neighbours later recalled having heard strange, dull,

thudding sounds emanating from the property.

[urinates]

- [echoing thud] - [stops urinating]

[two taps]

[resumes urinating]

[thudding]

[continues urinating]

[urine hits carpet]

Oh, shit.

[thudding]

- [metallic clattering] - Fuck!

[line ringing]

Fuck!

[ringing tone continues]

Come on.

[Carol] I have to say, Cardi, I'm very impressed.

- Oh, do you like it? - Oh, it's perfect.

- You've gone to so much trouble. - Well, you're worth it.

I watched a video online which showed you how to…

de-beard a mussel.

- Oh? - You just…

You take hold of its beard and tug it, firmly.

Oh, is that right? You have to take charge of it, do you?

Be firm and dominate?

Pull its hair and… show it who is the boss?

[Crazy Frog ringtone plays]

Ignore it.

It's Vinnie. How did he…

- Turn the sound down, at least. - [silences phone]

You were, er, telling me how you use a firm hand.

Oh, yeah. It took us ages to find the shallots. Right?

'Cause I didn't know what they were.

But it turns out they're just like l-little onions. [laughs]

And the erm…

the mussels I just got off John.

John?

You're talking about John the Nose?

That's right.

He tried to sell me, like, a bag of mussels there,

like, over a week ago.

Yeah. That's right. Luckily, he still had 'em.

The ones that were on the dash of his transit van in a carrier bag?

That's the ones, yeah.

[gasps]

Jesus, Cardi.

They're fecking off, you mad bastard.

You can't be eating shellfish that's been in a carrier bag

sat on the dash of a transit van for a week!

- I knew it! I knew they were off! - Ah.

That'll be why they didn't open. I had to use pliers.

Oh, fucking Jesus Christ, Cardi!

[breaks wind]

[vomits]

Oh, fuck! [sniffs] Eurgh!

[line ringing]

- [phone rings] - I'm not going back out there, Tommo.

They may be 90-years-old, but they're fucking rabid!

Come on, mate. Sweetheart…

Listen to me.

They're a bit over-excited.

But they're bound to be, aren't they?

Some of them haven't seen a knob up close since D-Day.

They're not just over-excited, Tommo, are they?

They're all coked-up!

What? What's he on about? Coked-up? What the fuck are you on about, you?

I fucking seen you selling gear to a few of them old handbags out there,

the rusty old wrist straps.

Listen to me. Sweetheart, right, you're being paid to entertain.

Right? So mind your own fucking business and get back out there.

You haven't a fucking chance.

You're not paying me enough to get molested by a load of senior citizens.

It's traumatising, Tommo!

They're properly out of control, Tommo. They've breached the stage!

- Fucking hell. - Come on.

Ladies…

Stop it! Give me that back! No!

- [woman] Come on, baby! - [Tommo] Fucking hell!

- [women screaming, laughing] - [mutters]

Oh, yeah, that's bad. That is bad.

I shouldn't have given them any drugs.

Right, get the fucking door. Lock it!

- [mobile rings] - Turn that light off. Turn the light off!

- Oh, sorry. Oh. - Oh. Hey.

- Hi. Hi. - Hi.

- You all right? - Yeah.

Yeah. Er…

- [Crazy Frog ringtone] - Vinnie changed my ringtone.

- [clears throat] - No, things…

Things are good. Erm…

How's Tyler?

Yeah, he's amazing. As usual.

- Hiya. - Hey.

Er… er, sorry.

You've met… erm…

Erin.

- That's Sara. Sara, Erin. - [Sara] Erin!

- Hi! - Hi. Nice to meet you.

Oh, you, too, nice to meet you.

- The… erm… - I've heard so much about Tyler.

- Have you? - Yeah.

- Aw, that's nice. - Is he with you?

Oh, no, no, no. Not at this time. No. It's way past his bed time.

Well, he sounds like a very special little boy.

Yeah, he is.

Right. Oh.

- Okay. - Hi.

- Er, Sugar, this is… - Sara. Yeah.

It's…

- Pleased to meet you. - Oh.

You're both looking very glam. Off somewhere nice?

- We're crashing a wedding. - No, not really. Just out…

- and about. - Just about.

Anyway, we were, er… just gonna go.

Yeah, we'd better pay for these.

No, I don't think… Do you want these?

- No, no, no. - Just…

Erm…

- Have a fun night. - You, too.

- Nice meeting you. - Bye.

Yeah.

[door chimes]

- You look really fucking glam? - Oh, don't!

- What is she trying to say? - Did you hear what she said about Tyler?

As if he's gonna be in here, at this time of night.

- What kind of mum does she think I am? - She was such a bitch.

Posh bitch!

You see the way she kept pawing at him as well?

- Gross. - So insecure.

Love, we get it, you're together. You don't have to keep touching him.

No one's going to try and run off with him. Proper phoney.

- Sugar… - What?

She was nice.

- She was all right. - Exactly what he needs.

Deserves.

I mean, just 'cause me and Jake didn't work out,

don't mean that they shouldn't.

You want to know summat as well?

I actually miss the chaos of that lot.

Seriously.

You want some chaos? Do you want some chaos?

- Please. - Let's go and get fucking bladdered!

[giggles]

["Clap Hands" plays faintly]

[cheering]

[volume increases]

[siren wails]

♪ Sane, sane, they're all insane ♪

♪ Fireman's blind The conductor is lame ♪

Fuck!

[song continues]

♪ Clap your hands ♪

♪ Clap your hands ♪

♪ I said roar ♪

♪ It's the thunder and the roar ♪

♪ I ain't never coming back no more ♪

♪ There's a moon in the… ♪

[turns music off]

- [hockey stick clatters] - Fuck me.

Shit.

[thud]

[glass shatters]

[creaks]

Hello?

Hey, er… Hey, D-Man!

Er…

Come here a minute.

Oh, I swear, D-Man, you're getting bigger every time I see you.

[in deep voice] Been going to t'gym, innit, Vinnie. Wagwans?

I'll tell you what fucking gwans, D-Man.

There's someone in the cellar.

[as D-Man] What? Are you having a fucking laugh?

No. I'm not having a laugh.

I'm not having a fucking laugh. There's someone in the cellar.

[as D-Man] Well, do you want to shoot him with this?

Where on earth have you got that?

[as D-Man] I never leave the house without it.

Well, a fucking…

An AK-47 is a bit much, don't you think, D-Man?

[as D-Man] What are you being a little bitch for?

I'm not being a little bitch!

[as D-Man] You are being a little bitch.

What the fuck are you even wearing, man?

It's a co-ord. All right?

I'm actually on trend, I'll have you know.

[as D-Man] Are you having spray tans as well?

I've had one or two. I have had one or two. It's the time of year, D-Man.

It's that time of year. I'm fucking pasty, dude.

I don't look well. So, yes, I go and have one or two spray tans.

And she's gradually getting darker.

Do you know, you've pissed me off now, you've hurt my feelings.

[as D-Man] I'm sorry, Vinnie. I didn't...

You have, you've hurt my fucking feelings. You come round here with an AK-47…

and you're unreasonable.

I think… I think I'm gonna have to ask you to leave, D-Man.

[as D-Man] Don't be like that, Vinnie.

No, no, no. Fucking, that's it now.

That's it. Shouldn't have mentioned the spray tans.

Really got my back up. You know I'm sensitive.

Sen… Sensitive.

Go on, get out, get out now.

[softly] Fuck.

Get out of it, get gone. Get out of it, you pig! Go on, you cunt.

Fuck me.

Fuck!

All right, whoever you are…

I'm gonna give you to the count of ten.

And then that's… That's fucking it, you're getting it.

- One… - [dials number]

- [line ringing] - …two…

♪ I'd rather go fishing Than out on some date ♪

♪ All you need to go fishing… ♪

[mobile rings]

- [continues ringing] - Come on.

[water splashes]

Oh, fuck!

…five… Halfway there now, pal.

[ends call]

…six, seven…

You'll notice I'm racing through it, 'cause I don't give a fuck.

Nine…

and three-quarters…

All right, that's a ten.

I said this'd happen.

[softly] I said this'd happen.

[light bulb clicking]

Fuck.

[juddering]

[door slams shut]

- [door lock clicks] - Fuck.

[door handle rattles]

Shit.

[line ringing]

- [faeces hits toilet-bowl water] - [Crazy Frog ringtone]

Vinnie?

- Oh, Cardi, thank Christ! Dude, listen. - Vinnie.

No, shut up. Listen, I need your help, man.

- I'm dying. - What?

F-Food poisoning.

[tearfully] I made the woman I love shit her pants in front of me, Vinnie.

- [faeces hits toilet-bowl water] - Carol…

She can't…

[retches] She can't stop shitting.

[gasps for breath] I've never seen…

- [strains] Anything like it. - [plops]

I'm sorry to hear that, dude,

but I'm locked in the toilets at The Crow's Nest. I…

I can't leave this toilet, Vinnie.

If I don't make it…

[chokes back tears] I want you to have me things.

- You don't have any things. - I have got things!

Just stay hydrated.

[squelch]

♪ Stand up and run ♪

♪ Stop, drop and roll ♪

♪ And please don't leave me alone ♪

♪ Oh, please don't leave me alone ♪

♪ Please don't leave me alone ♪

♪ Please don't leave me alone ♪

[Jim] Fucking chips!

Jim! Jim?

[clatters]

- Fucking looking at? - Jim! Jim! Jim!

Jim, up here! Jim!

You! What the fuck do you want?

- Jim! - What?

Fuck off, you fucking cod-stealing bastard shit.

Who are you talking to, you fucking idiot?

These are my fucking chips, so fucking fuck the fuck off.

- Before I fucking... - Nobody wants your fucking chips, Jim!

Oi! Up here. Look up!

Look up! Jim, look up!

- Fuck me. - You? Again?

I thought I fucking told you to fuck off, didn't I?

If you look at my fucking chips one more time...

Look up!

Fuck! Jim!

Are you all right, dude?

♪ What is love? Baby, don't… ♪

What are you singing Haddaway for?

Fucking wanker.

Fucking hell, me fucking head!

Cunts.

[softly] Fuck.

[dials number]

- [line ringing] - [floorboard creaks]

[ends call]

Shit.

Shit!

Hey up, mate.

Oi! Fuck!

Please don't be dead.

Which fucking side is it?

Fuck!

Who the fuck are you?

[phone rings]

Shit.

- What's happened? - Er… er, nothing.

I've known you long enough to know that you wouldn't be calling me

at this time of night if there hadn't been some drama.

- So, go on. - No, no, no, listen, nothing's happened.

There's nothing… There's nothing to worry about.

- Vinnie, I'm fucking with you! - Ha!

[laughs] What you doing, anyway?

Oh, you know, I'm just, er…

I'm just chilling, just hanging out.

Oh, come out. Come out. Me and Sugar are out.

Come out!

No, I can't, love, I can't. I'm…

I'm up early, you see.

Sugar said you're staying at Kath's.

Yeah. Yeah, I am. Just… just for one night.

In't it dead creepy being there by yourself?

[phone thuds] Shit.

Er… yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, it is a bit, actually.

I haven't seen you for ages.

I just said to Sugar that I miss the craziness.

Oh, well, there's none of that round here. Fuck me, I am bored to tears, honestly.

- Yeah? - Oh, yeah, yeah.

So, I can't tempt you out?

I'd love to, but I'm up too early.

- Boo! - Boring.

All right, then, I'll let you go, yeah?

- Later, alligator. - In a while, crocodile.

Fuck! Erm…

Shit!

[club music plays on speakers]

[giggles] Fuck off.

[laughter]

[strains]

[suspenseful music playing]

Oh, fuck me!

["GFY" playing]

♪ You're out And you wanna get started ♪

♪ I don't know why you get so violent ♪

♪ Punch one, punch two, punch three ♪

♪ I don't like you And you don't like me ♪

♪ Success is best When it happens on a Thursday ♪

♪ Gonna go fuck yourself ♪

What the fuck? Throw a dick at me? Get the fuck out here, man!

Oh, leave me alone! I ain't even done owt.

You were breaking and entering!

You know, there's laws against that kind of shit.

It… it were an accident.

- An accident? - I fell through the delivery hatch.

Yeah, yeah, and I suppose that balaclava fell on your head an' all, did it?

No.

- I'm in the SAS. - The SAS?

Yeah. I'm on a top-secret mission, aren't I?

Here, in Hawley?

I'm not allowed to say. It's a secret!

Listen, Orville,

I'm sure Keith Harris is probably wondering where the fuck you are.

I don't want you here, man.

And I'm guessing you don't want to be here either.

So, behind you, there's a window.

Climb through the window. There's a fire escape. Down the ladders.

Fuck off. Don't come back. Let sleeping dogs lie. How's that?

I don't know. It looks quite high, that.

Oh, God, no! It's dead high, that! I can't do that.

Just fucking…

Of course it's high. It's a fire escape!

I can't do heights, they panic me.

Did you mention that in your SAS interview?

- No. - No.

[whispers] Fuck me…

What are we gonna do then?

How about you just… open the door and just let us out?

Fuck that. What if you've got a knife and you try and stab me or summat?

I haven't got nothing, I swear! Oh, please.

I just want to go home.

All right, I'll tell you what. I'll open this door.

If you try any funny business,

- I'll finger you to death. - Eh?

- No. - You what?

- Not like… - Help!

- No, no, no! - Help! Mister!

Fuck, I didn't mean it like that.

I'm locked in a bathroom

and there's a man's threatening to finger me to death!

- I'm not sure what that means. - That was a misguided attempt

to try and bring some levity to the situation.

What's levity?

- Is that like fingering? - No, it's not fingering.

It's not fingering. Just…

- I'm sorry, man, I… - [squeaks]

[squeaks] Oh…

What's going on in there? Are you all right?

[yelps] Yeah. It's… it's jammed right in. I can't get it out.

I think it's touching me brain.

All right, well, I'd better take a look at it.

Okay.

Oh, shit.

Brought that on yourself.

- It really hurts. - Come on.

How does it look?

- Does it look bad? - Yeah.

You're not supposed to say that!

When you ask doctors and that, they say, "No."

You've got a fucking corkscrew in the side of your head.

Of course it looks bad.

Well, let me just… Let me try and pull it out.

Will it bleed? 'Cause I just can't do blood and that.

It's almost as if…

you're not really in the SAS.

Hmm.

It'll probably… It'll…

It probably won't bleed.

- All right? - Good.

Okay. I'm ready.

Oh, you're going the wrong way! You're making it go deeper!

- I apologise. - It were like lightning.

But not nice lightning.

- Like frightening lightning. - Just shut the fuck up wittering on.

["I Feel Free" playing]

Oh, that's the same way! The same way! It's touching me brain again!

I don't know what I'm doing!

I'm dyslexic. Fucking clockwise, lefts and rights, I'm bad at it.

Everything's fucking digital now.

When was the last time you even saw a normal clock?

- All right. I know what I'm doing. - Oh, okay.

- All right? - Ow! Argh!

- Oh! - [cries out]

Oh, bloody hell!

- Let's have a look. - That's a lot of blood, that.

Oh, what's that?

- It's super glue. - Eh?

Oh…

One Mississippi. Two Mississippi. Three Mississippi.

There you go.

- Shit! - What's up?

I fucking superglued me hand to your head.

- Oh, no! - Oh, no.

- Fuck! All right. One, two, three! - Ow!

Fuck me. I thought I'd killed you.

I've got narcolepsy.

When I get tired, I just fall asleep.

That's everyone.

I just wanted to pinch a few things.

Not… not much.

Just enough…

to buy a bird bath.

A bird bath?

Yeah, not for me. For me mum.

She doesn't really get out much any more.

She likes to sit in the garden and watch the birds.

And there's this one bird that comes to visit her, a robin,

that she thinks is the reincarnation of me dad.

He were called Robin, you see.

She wants a bird bath for him,

on account of how he always…

liked…

to have a bath.

Can't you just go and nick a bird bath, like any normal person?

I've seen a really nice one.

York sandstone. Dead impressive it is.

In the grounds of this posh house.

Yeah, sounds really nice. Go and nick that one.

The thing is, it… it looks dead heavy.

- Like a… two-man job. - Take a mate with you.

Come on, you must have one friend.

Mum says folk are odd.

And it's their loss, if they don't warm to us.

And… and you can't force people to be your friends, can you?

I mean, sometimes, you're just better off staying out of their way.

What's your name?

Gideon.

I'm Vinnie.

[owl hoots]

[Gideon] No one's here on Thursdays, so we're safe.

Unless the D-Man followed us.

Oh, you said he had a gun!

What if he sees us and shoots us with it, just for fun, like?

Gideon! Jesus Christ, listen to me.

D-Man's gone. And he's not coming back.

All right? I promise you. Yeah?

- Yeah. - All right.

- Where's this bird bath, then? - Up there.

[Gregorian chanting]

Why didn't you tell me to nick a bigger car, man?

You're having a laugh, dude. That's not a fucking bird bath.

- That's a fountain! - A fountain?

- Yeah. - So, is that different to a bird bath?

Of course it's different to a bird bath. A fountain's much bigger, innit?

Fucking thing's massive. How are we gonna fit it in the car?

Does that mean we can't get the birdbath for Mum, then?

All right. Fuck it. We need to go and get the car. Come on.

Electronic fence. I'm just gonna force it. It should open.

- Okay. - Here we go.

- You fucker. - They're not opening, Vinnie.

Well, fucking not yet, it's not. Give us a sec.

Urgh.

- They're still not opening. - I know! Fuck me, I'll climb over.

- Oh. - Ooh!

- [gate creaks] - For fuck's sake, dude!

[fast-paced music playing]

- Gideon! - Yeah?

It's not gonna take much to make it give.

So, just… Oi! Nice and slow.

- All right? - Got it, Vinnie.

[engine revs]

Just a bit more than that. Just a smidge.

Okay.

[engine revs]

Have you even let the clutch out, Gideon?

Er… which one is that?

The clu…

Do you even know how to drive?

- No. - No?

- Is it even in gear? - Er…

Ah, right. Is that it? The stick here?

No, no, no, no, no!

[dramatic classical music plays]

Holy shit, man. Look at the state of it, you lunatic.

Oh, no.

Oh, no! You've really done it now, Gideon.

They'll put you in prison and then who is gonna look after Mum?

- Come on, let's run away! - Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Just settle down.

We're not going nowhere without that birdbath/fountain thing. All right?

Now, pull yourself together.

- Are you feeling strong? - Why?

'Cause it's gonna weigh a fucking tonne, man!

- Yeah? - Okay.

["Sabre Dance" playing]

Right, that'll do.

Okay. I'm going as fast as I can, Vinnie.

[gunshot]

- Oh, bloody hell! - Stop it and get in the fucking car!

Get in the car!

Right, you little bastards! I've got you on camera.

Can you fuck off, please? It's hard enough to see...

You fucking retards are going viral!

- [shrieks] - There you are, stream that!

I can't believe you did that, Vinnie.

Feels good to be alive, doesn't it, pal, hey?

- Huzzah! - [giggles]

Huzzah, dude!

- Huzzah! - Huzzah!

[music ends]

- Right, listen, I'm gonna get off. - Oh, no, don't run off just yet.

- It's late, man. I need my bed. - Come and say hello to Mum.

- She's gonna be asleep. - She don't really sleep well.

She don't get many visitors. She'd be made up.

Just pop up and say hello, like, please.

- Please? - Yeah, all right, all right.

Five minutes. Yeah?

[sighs]

- It's cold, innit? - It's got to be.

Mum can't sleep if it's too hot.

She's just up there.

Who is all this lot?

- Dead people. - Hey?

They're all dead.

Well, they can't all be dead.

- Er… yeah, they are. - He's not dead.

Yeah, he is.

What about this lot here?

Oh, God, yeah. Yeah, they all died in a boating accident.

They won the boat on Bullseye.

Got dropped in an artificial lake. No water.

- So, they were all killed. - Dude, is this a wall of dead people?

- Is that what this is? - Yeah, dead people.

- Everybody is dead? - Yeah, up to the top, yeah.

But he's not. He's not dead.

Oh, he is. He had an electric trike from Taiwan.

It were too powerful. Took him right into t'wall.

- Fuck me. - Yeah, it were very sad.

A horrible story.

What's all this shit? Rapey doll here?

Who is this furry little…

Fuck! Fuck me, dude.

Aw! [laughs]

- It's just Mr Mittens. - All right.

What are you doing up here, Mr Mittens? Miaow!

Hello, Vinnie!

A bit Buffalo Bill in here, in't it, pal?

Oh, yeah. I get it. Woo-woo-woo!

It had nothing to do with Indians. You don't know what I'm talking about.

- A cowboy, weren't he? - You've never seen the film, have you?

- Where are we going? - In to see Mum

- Listen, I'm just feeling a bit anxious. - Oh, please, Vinnie.

- It's really late, though. - I know. Just two… Just two minutes.

She'll be so made up. Please?

- Is that all right? - Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Mum? Mum!

Got a surprise for you.

Brought you a visitor.

Why did you have to say it like that?

- Like what? - You just said, "Brought you…"

- Well, I have. - Like you're gonna feed me to summat.

What's in here, dude?

Hiya, Mum.

How are you doing?

Did you manage to get any sleep?

[woman's voice] Who's this?

Oh.

This is Vinnie, Mum.

He's a friend of mine.

He wanted to come and say hello to you.

[woman's voice] That's nice.

And have you asked Vinnie what we ask visitors?

Oh, yeah.

Would you like some tea, love?

No.

I'm all right, thanks, Giddy.

[woman's voice] Go and make us a pot, Giddy, love.

Okay.

He doesn't really have friends, you know.

He's a bit too…

unique for most folk.

Thems with small minds.

He's vulnerable.

Easy picking for the wrong sort to take advantage of.

I wouldn't do that.

You know why you're here, Vinnie?

He's trying to show me I don't have to worry about him.

Mmm.

But I do.

I'm a mum. That's what we do.

Boys need their mums.

- Isn't that right? - Mmm.

Can you be a good friend, Vinnie?

He's going to need a friend.

I'll be his friend.

You're tired.

[sighs]

- Aren't you? - Yeah.

Yeah, I am a bit. Yeah, I've been up all night.

No.

It's not just tonight, though, is it, lovey?

[sighs]

You're worn out.

You've been brave long enough, you don't need to keep it up.

[chokes back tears]

Shh.

- I'm sorry. - Come here. Come here.

["Life Is But A Dream" playing]

You're just tired.

[Vinnie inhales and exhales]

There's a lad.

You'll be all right.

[Vinnie sniffles]

♪ Life is but a dream ♪

♪ It's what you make it ♪

♪ Always try to give… ♪

[clattering]

Fuck me!

Fucking hell. Hey, up.

- Morning, dude. Just got up, have you? - Yeah, yeah.

- Morning. - Afternoon, mate.

You've been out for the count.

- How's it going, then? - I have no idea.

I've just had the maddest night.

- This old woman touched me. - Me, too.

- I got groped by an old one, too. - Jesus fucking Christ.

Ashley, it's the last time I'm saying it.

Right? It is business.

There's people who would pay good money for that shit.

You all right, you?

I didn't know it was physically possible

for a human being to poo that much.

- [laughter] - Get that in you.

You sleep all right, Vin?

Oh, Christ, yeah.

I did all right. I've been having these mental dreams.

Oh, I had a mad dream the other night.

I wanted to go to America, yeah, but I mean they wouldn't let me in.

So, I got into a cardboard box and then I posted myself.

But then I realised I forgot to wee before I got in.

Could be worse though, couldn't it, eh?

Could have been trapped in there with Cardi's missus!

That's too far. You're bang out of order.

[laughs] Fucking hell.

Imagine that, eh, trapped in a box, in the pitch black,

with Carol and her explosive anus!

- [laughter] - I'm fucking warning you.

- Calm down, lads. - [mimics Carol] Cardi, Cardi,

it's like a chocolate fountain in here!

- Cardi, it's like Cadbury's World! - [laughter]

- No, no, it's not funny. - Come on, Tommo, go on, apologise.

- You've upset him. - You're right. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry that you made your bird shit hersen. [laughs]

I fucking warned you, didn't I!

- [laughter] - [text alert chime]

["The Great Gig In The Sky" playing]

[woman vocalising]

[music ends]

[Vinnie] We've got a shitload of weed to get rid of here.

I invested. Now I need a return.

- [Dylan] A festival? - [Vinnie] A festival.

[in posh voice] Would anybody like a disco biscuit?

[normal voice] Fuck off!

- Is it a yes or a no? - [Erin] Right, get going.

- But, whatever you do, don't hang about. - Shit.

[pig squealing]

- Your pig's a cunt! - Your pig's a cunt!

♪ I got so much trouble in my mind ♪

♪ I got so much trouble in my mind ♪

♪ I got so much trouble in my mind ♪

♪ I got so much trouble in my mind ♪

♪ Give me the strength to carry on… ♪