Original subtitles

[indistinct chattering]

- Very clever… - [laughter]

[laughter]

Right, who's responsible?

- O'Neill, sir. - Vincent?

- Nothing to do with me, sir. - [Bates] Oh, really?

- So Carl's lying, is he? - Yeah, he's lying.

And he better take it back, 'cause that's thingy… libel.

- Slander. - Slander.

Come up here!

Show me your hands.

- What? - Hands!

- I can explain… - Caught red-handed.

You're a liar, O'Neill, and liars need to be punished.

[all exclaim]

Say sorry to Humfrey.

Thing is, Mr Bates, he's essentially a trainer.

Yes. And if he doesn't get an apology,

He gets tremendously angry!

- All right, I'm sorry! - To Humfrey!

Sorry… trainer.

- Say his name! - I'm not saying his name!

- Does he have to say his name? - [all] Yes!

- Thanks, dickheads! - Say it, O'Neill!

- Shut it, you dog-bumming twat! - Say sorry to the shoe!

I'm not apologising to footwear!

[all chant] Sorry to the shoe, sorry to the shoe!

Sorry to the shoe!

[chanting continues]

♪ The best things in life are free… ♪

You're a thief, O'Neill, always were and always will be!

♪ That's what I want ♪

- ♪ That's what I want ♪ - ♪ That's what I want ♪

Sorry, shoe.

- ♪ That's what I want ♪ - ♪ That's what I want ♪

- ♪ That's what I want ♪ - ♪ That's what I want ♪

[Ash] Aren't you practically Terence's bitch now, though,

you doing all the work, while he takes all the profit.

No, I am not Terence's bitch. He's a fucking ent-repreneur.

Yeah, ent…entrepreneur.

Entrepreneur, investing in our start-up company.

Which means better facilities, better weed…

Fucking hell, we're moving up a league here.

Hang on, sweetheart. Don't get me wrong,

it's great we're Terence's top supplier,

but I'm a businessman now,

and businessmen have responsibilities.

Like fucking what?

Like sorting out this place. Look at it.

There's spliff butts in every crevice, used condom in the hand-drier,

some idiot's been cold-lunching by the fire exit.

- You Hawley's Larry Flynt or something? - Hey, hey…

Dickhead, I'm doing this for us.

I mean, fair do's, I might be managing director,

but we're all stakeholders, yeah?

And its success relies on our shared efforts. Which is why…

I was hoping you might come somewhere with me.

Come somewhere with you? Like where?

Little, er, trip out.

- Like where? - [inhales]

I'm planning a room in the back,

for, you know… specialist clients.

A blue room, if you will. [sniffs]

And I've got this vision in me mind.

I want it kitted out in a very particular way.

[JJ] Who's gonna want to eat their dinner off that?

They're perfect.

Look at the detail.

Little willy sculptures all across the top of it.

[Vinnie] Hmm.

Hey, I tell who'd like these, you know,

- fucking McCann. - Oi! Eyes off, sunshine!

Use your bloody head. Loves a pervy antique.

It'll keep him sweet, won't it?

All right, how's about you take these drawers?

There's fuck all erotic about 'em, dude.

Check out the side.

Christ.

[softly] Look…

- [groans] - Big snizz on it.

- [all laugh] - That is… that's pornographic, that.

- That's disgusting. - Hey, hey, hey…

It's a thing of beauty, that is.

It's a work of art, the female twat.

You help me with the rest. The drawers are yours.

[Vinnie] All right, then. So, when they shifting 'em?

The museum can't afford expensive storage arrangements,

so I'm reliably informed they're sticking them in non-descript boxes

and whacking 'em in shipping containers in the staff car park.

- With no security? - [Tommo] They've got security.

- CCTV, guard with a dog. - What kind of dog?

A fucking labradoodle! What d'you mean, what kind of fucking dog?

Dude, if it's a fucking Rottweiler, they're trained to grab by the throat.

- We'll bring some dog food. - There's a thing you can get,

- it's like a dart gun, tranquilliser. - Yes, exactly.

We shoot that up its arse and we're good to go.

Right, well, you know what I'm gonna ask. Is this worth it?

All of this trouble for some weird crap for his perv room?

Have a bit of vision, for once in your fucking life, mate.

We could be the next Hustler Club, yeah?

And it's the class and attention to detail that's gonna get us there.

- Vinnie? - I'm up for it.

Anything that doesn't involve being in disguise

- or in fear for me fucking life. - Grand, yeah.

- Count me out. - Yeah, me too.

[Tommo] Just the three of us, then.

The Three Musketeers, all for one and one for fucking all.

[all chuckle]

- Where's Cardi? - Cardi!

Car…

- Hello. - Hello.

What's all that shit on your face? Have you been tanning?

- No. - Yeah, you have. Oi, oi.

What's he wearing? What's this man got on?

- [laughter] - You know when you've been tangoed.

Right, come on. Do some explaining.

[sputtering] I'm just busy, all right?

I'm not always av-ailable, you know.

Sometimes I do have other things going on in my life.

Yeah? Like what?

[Carol] Cardi! Cardi, come on. Come on.

Have to do a second coat… Oh, how are you, Vinnie?

She does this with all the fellas.

We're having a spa day at home today, aren't we, Cardi?

- Er, well, it's, erm… - Oh, it's all going on today.

Jacuzzi, massage, facials…

Might even do a cucumber body wrap later, if we've the time.

Oh, cucumber body wrap? [chuckles]

Right, well, listen, have a lovely time.

Er… what are you doing?

Go back to your tanning, you. You're patchy.

- Have a good time! - Oh, we will!

How much do you want for your tooth?

- Thirty pounds. - Thirty bloody quid?

- [laughs] - You can have a fiver, let me touch it.

Gross… Euch.

- [Erin] There you go. - Thanks.

It's good to have you back.

Yeah, it's good to be back.

Thanks for bringing him to come and see me,

when I was stuck in that hole…

little face kept me going.

Why don't you go and play upstairs for a bit? Go on. Bog off.

- We were worried about you. - Hmm.

I've been worried about me.

I had some dark days.

But him…

I really love that boy.

[softly] I know.

Right. I've gotta go to Jake's bloody dinner party now.

- [chuckles] See you. - See you later.

Right, Sugar should be back, okay? She'll put him to bed.

- Okay. - All right, bye, baby.

- Love you. - Love you.

Come here to me.

Aww, bloody snuggles, eh?

- [door opens] - What film do you wanna watch?

Hey, Vin. What can I do you for?

I don't know, man.

Do you ever wish… [exhales]

you could just… You could just tell people things?

You know?

If things were just different, you could tell 'em…

[sighs] And they'd be happy, and you'd be happy.

No… Fuck.

- Do you know what I mean? - I know exactly what you mean.

- Yeah? - Yeah.

I'm seeing this new woman, Casandra.

Total fitness freak.

It's all organic wheatgrass and tantric vaginal Pilates.

Look what she's got me wearing. See that?

- What's that? - Detox patch.

- She says it realigns my chi. - Right.

[softly] But I'm hooked, Vin. I'm obsessed with her.

I'm absolutely obsessed with her.

She's like fragrant Viagra.

- All right… - The sex is amazing...

I'm happy… I'm happy for you. Fucking nice knees?

Amazing, amazing.

But the intercourse, Vincent… Oh, my God!

God, I wish you could just… I wish you could experience…

I wish you could take a day, step inside my body,

take control of my chopper and…

- Just profound… - Chris…

- Stop, stop! - Sensational!

Chris, stop! Shut the fuck… You've gone too far again!

Why the fuck would I wanna be your dick for a day?

You hijack these fucking sessions every time.

Talking about fucking Sheila's…

sloppy blow jobs or whatever.

- Quite right. Quite right. - Let's reverse these roles.

You're the doctor, I'm the patient. Do you know what I mean?

- Sorry. - It's all right.

Sorry, Vin.

Sorry.

[clears throat] So, how are you?

It's me kid.

Well, it's not me kid. It's the mother of me kid.

She's amazing.

I just I wasn't such a fuck-up.

- What is wrong… Oi. - What?

Just tell me about your tantric minge sex, then.

No. Go on. Carry on. I was listening.

- What are you looking at? - Nothing.

You were looking at your fucking screen.

- What you looking at? - Nothing on it.

Nothing here. There's no need to…

- There! There! There! - There's nothing on it!

Motherfucker!

I don't know why I let you talk me into these things.

'Cause you love it, that's why.

- Do we all know what we're doing? - Yeah.

Sound.

["Whoo! Alright - Yeah…Uh-Huh" playing]

[Vinnie] Oh, fucking hell, dude.

Nearly took me fucking hand off.

Right knobhead, what are you doing wearing that?

[Tommo] Reverse psychology.

[Ash] Ah, I've always wanted to use one of these, lads.

[Vinnie] Where the fuck did you get that from?

- [Ash] Kitty Mclean. - Cat burglar?

[Ash] That's him, yeah.

He got a job lot one Christmas. He only charged me a tenner for that.

[yelps]

[JJ] Argh! Fuck's sake!

- [Vinnie] Quiet, dude! - [JJ] Jesus! Quiet?

You've fucking gashed my head open!

- [Ash] It didn't clasp. - [Tommo] Maybe that's why it was a tenner.

[Vinnie] Here, let me have a look.

There's fuck all there, man.

- Are you sure? - Shut the fuck up.

♪ Oh, the sun-drenched French girls Won't relate ♪

♪ To a frozen glare From the Northern State ♪

♪ Dreamin' of fat, happy babies ♪

♪ Kickin' ladies in the Metro now ♪

♪ Whoo… ♪

- [Vinnie] You got the tranquilliser gun? - [Ash] I have it here.

- [Vinnie] Where do you shoot it? - [Ash] In the arse.

[Vinnie] Right, now listen.

For fuck sake, don't miss. Last thing we need is an angry dog.

- [Ash] I won't. - [Vinnie] All right.

Fuck me.

- Shit. - [Ash] Vin.

- What? - Look.

[Vinnie] Who the fuck are they?

♪ I used to think Life's a bitter pill ♪

[groaning]

♪ But it's a grand old time ♪

Jake tells me you're running a local wine bar alongside your studies.

- Impressive. - [Erin] I wouldn't call it a wine bar…

- [Jake] It's an evening drinkery. - Great.

We must come down.

Charlton and I love an excuse to get out and about.

- Yeah, that'd be great. - [Vanessa] What's it called?

- It's called The Rat and... - Ratatouille.

- [Vanessa] Right. Fantastic. - Mmm.

Amazing cocktails. Mum loves a cocktail, don't you?

[Vanessa] Death in the Afternoon. It's what Hemingway used to drink.

[chuckles]

[Vinnie] Motherfuckers.

- Who the fuck are they? - No idea.

Who told you about the gear being kept here?

You remember Sheridan, my sister's chiropodist?

- No. - Yeah, you do.

Big lass, grey hair. Shiny forehead.

- [groans] - Anyway, her cousin Elaine, right?

- Brelaine… - Who's Elaine?

You met her, but you were off your face. Good night, that, weren't it.

Anyway, she's going out with Ian. Remember Ian?

- I do know Ian. - Big Ian, massive Ian.

- Yeah… Fucking hell. Shut the fuck up. - Yeah.

It doesn't make any difference whoever it was.

They have blabbed, and now these wankers are nicking all our gear.

- [Ash] Shall we just bail? - [Vinnie] And let them have it?

[JJ] What's the option? They're fucking armed.

- Fucking armed, JJ? - Yes! Armed!

Are we seriously gonna get ourselves killed for some chairs with dicks on? No!

Hey, hey, hey… Erotic curiosities. All right?

If I wanted a chair with dicks on, I'd speak to your barber.

Why you always dissing my barber? Can you tell him please?

Oi, oil. Listen to me. We're professional thieves.

Ashley, we're professional thieves.

We can't have people turning up before us, just nicking our shit.

D'ya know what I mean?

Let's get back in the van.

All right, they're coming. Get down.

- Fuck's sake… Christ. - Why'd you duck in my direction?

Same fucking spot, are you kidding me?

[Vinnie] Come on, follow 'em. That's it,

do a fucking nine-point turn, Ashley.

You sexy idiot, what are you doing? You fucking big fat hand…

Moron!

♪ Send me a postcard, darling ♪

♪ How can I make you understand… ♪

What's going on? Why are we slowing down?

Why the fuck are we slowing… What are you doing?

[Ash] It's a red light, sure.

Never mind red light! We're gonna fucking lose 'em!

We're not gonna lose them. They're going straight ahead in a massive green van.

We're in a covert criminal pursuit and you're obeying the Highway Code!

- It'll be a few seconds. - Fuck, dude.

[Ash humming]

Taking a while, aren't they?

[Vinnie] Go through the red light! The road's completely deserted!

- [van stalls] - Oh, nice one, you bellend!

- That's you stressing me out! - I'm fucking stressing you out?

- Constantly on at me! - Start the van!

I'm starting the fucking van!

- [horn blares] - Swap seats.

- Fucking go! - They've gone red again!

[Ash] You're jigging my elbow…

♪ Before loneliness Will break my heart ♪

♪ Send me a postcard, darling ♪

♪ Send me a postcard, darling ♪

♪ Send me a postcard, now… ♪

Right, now, listen. The element of surprise is our best friend here.

They're not gonna be expecting us turning up, nicking their gear, so…

Stealth.

- [horn toots] - Ashley!

- [horn toots] - Oh, shit!

Right, I'll take left, you take right.

["Offence" playing]

[classic FM playing gently]

["Offence" resumes]

- [grappling, straining] - Shit! Come on, you bollocks!

- [spraying and groaning] - [Ash] I can't see!

[JJ] Ow! My eyes!

Help! Help!

[groaning]

[JJ] It's me, you daft...

- [Vinnie] How many fingers… - One.

Brilliant. That'll do. In the van.

[groaning and screaming]

Get in in the fucking van.

[screaming]

Get in, JJ!

Wait! Hey!

[Vinnie] That's not fucking JJ!

- JJ! - [JJ] Go, go, go!

I'll get the other van!

[indistinct screaming and shouting]

[sighs]

[phone chimes]

[clears throat]

Hi, Erin.

Hi.

- Arr-on? - It's, er… it's Aaron.

Like, air-on. [chuckles]

- Anyway, I… - Can I show you something?

- Er… yeah, okay. Where? - Just…

- Through? - Yeah.

It's our old playroom, me and Jake.

[chuckles]

Spent a lot of time in here as kids.

Brothers, you know?

- Very competitive with each other. - [laughs] I bet.

- You got a sibling? - Er, yeah. I've got a brother.

- Bit of a moron. - [both laugh]

Me and Jake were so competitive.

But, erm…

You wanna know something?

Yeah?

I'm better than him.

- Right. - At everything, Erin.

I'm a stallion. He's a gelding.

And I've had that confirmed.

So you know.

Word.

Look in there.

They haven't even fucking nicked everything!

Yeah, but they took the drawers, though.

Where's the chairs? Mate? Eh?

Where's the fucking chaise longue? Your fault, this is!

- My fault? - Yes! Your fault! Follow 'em, he says.

'Cause I thought they were gonna take it all!

What the fuck were I supposed to do, dude?

Hang on till they'd gone, then take whatever they didn't want?

Bollocks! This is a cock-up, this. I'm having them drawers.

Like fuck you're having them. Them's for McCann.

Why do you want drawers in your pervy sex room, anyway?

- What you gonna fucking keep in 'em? - Lots of things, actually, mate.

Lube…

Do you know what, just fucking have 'em!

[grumbling]

[JJ] Right, I'm off. I've got a headache, yeah?

'Cause this bellend here dropped a ship's anchor on my forehead.

- Don't storm off. - No, mate… Took it too far.

Don't storm…

- [Ash laughs] - What the fuck are you laughing at?

Your eyes are fucked, dude.

Get in the van.

- I don't need that shit, Jake. - I know.

- Do you know what I mean? - It's just Aaron.

He… he's got a weird sense of humour.

Yeah, it's fucking weird.

I'll talk with him.

Look, go back in…

have a drink. Please.

- Okay. - Thank you.

[sighs]

- [Vinnie] Do you, erm… Do you like 'em? - Where'd you get 'em?

- [Vinnie] Fell into me possession. - Where?

[Vinnie] The museum. Someone robbed the museum, so we robbed them.

Stolen items.

There's gonna be a whole shitshow, Vin.

This is Regency, 1800s.

Right.

- Shall I… Shall I give 'em back? - Give 'em back?

No, you will not fucking give 'em back.

- This is a very nice piece of furniture. - Huh.

But it can't come in the house.

I know a man who can look after it for me.

I'll give him a call in the morning.

- Can you hang on to it until tomorrow? - Yeah, course, yeah.

Good lad. Now get the fuck out of here.

[door closes in distance]

What the fuck's this?

[phone vibrates]

Sometimes there's so much snow, like last year.

So much snow, they had to close the slopes…

Am I all right to get some water? Two minutes. Thank you.

♪ Another day… ♪

[sighs]

♪ Oh, what a wonder ♪

♪ Oh, what a waste It's a Monday… ♪

[laughter]

♪ It's so mundane ♪

♪ What exciting things Will happen today? ♪

♪ All of a sudden ♪

♪ I'm having trouble breathing in ♪

♪ I'm having trouble breathing in ♪

[line rings]

♪ I'm having trouble breathing in… ♪

All right, this is Dylan. Leave a message, unless you're Vinnie.

♪ I'm having trouble breathing in ♪

[phone rings]

- [gunshot] - Oh, fuck!

[Jim] I'm armed!

- It's fucking me, you knobhead! - There's five of us in here!

Oh, yeah, and two… two dogs!

So, whoever you are, you're outnumbered!

- It's me! - I know my rights!

- Oh, fuck! - [gunshot]

I can blow your brains out and no judge in the land'll convict me!

It's fucking… It's Vinnie!

- Put the fucking gun down! - Vinnie?

- Yeah! - Oh, what you doing?

- I thought you were an immigrant! - Why the fuck would I be immigrants?

What do you want? Thought you were going back to your shack.

- Yeah, I know, but… - It's not a bed and breakfast, Vin.

I'm not Airbnb.

I mean, I didn't mind when your dick was on the line,

but you're just taking the piss now.

I know, but fuck… I need a favour.

Come on!

Now, be careful! Don't rip the wallpaper!

- Are you fucking serious? - Did you wipe your feet, coming in?

- Your carpets are so fucked up, dude. - That's vintage, that carpet.

- And don't scratch the paintwork. - Don't scratch the edge, dude.

- Where are we putting it? - In the guest room.

- What fucking guests do you have? - Hey, I have guests!

- Like who? - Like fucking… people of note!

People you wouldn't even never have heard of!

Honestly, four months I've been in that weed shed,

you've had a fucking guest room this entire time?

- Stop fucking moaning. - Unbelievable.

Fucking… Jesus Christ.

- What? - It's a bit patriotic, innit?

All me own work.

I got someone in for that. An Englishman's home is his castle.

Sing the national anthem and I'll let you stay the night.

Christ.

It's like AirBNP.

[Jim] Knobhead.

["Baby Please Don't Go" playing]

- Oh! - [both laugh]

♪ Baby, please don't go Baby, please don't go ♪

♪ Baby, please don't go Down to New Orleans… ♪

- I hope she isn't pretty. - Why?

Because.

For you.

What's better, he's going out with an absolute minger?

[sighs]

- Hiya. - Hi.

Pretend not to look…

but I think I'm being followed.

- Followed? - Yeah.

By your ex? Or…by secret police?

Er… by stalkers.

- Stalkers? - Mmm.

Oh, no. They're kissing.

Oh, great.

It wasn't passionate.

Well, have they stopped?

Hang on.

No. Still going.

[giggles]

Er, I think…

[softly] I think you've made your point.

I haven't.

- [Erin] Now? - [Sugar] Still going.

Still…

Oh, she is pretty.

Wait. Oh, no. Still.

They've stopped.

- Get down, quickly! - [stifling laughter]

Jesus…

- Oh, do you think they saw us? - How should I know?

[laughs] This is fucking crazy! What am I doing?

He doesn't want her. He's just trying to make you jealous.

Sugar, I got rid of his kid. I broke his heart, right?

We're done. I need to get on with my life. Come on.

- [sheep bleats in distance] - [frantic knocking on door]

What?

Where's Vinnie?

- He's in bed, why? - He's wanted.

So, go and get him out your bed and into my car.

He's not in my bed!

Do I look like I sleep with younger men?

Do I? Do I look like some kind of fucking perv?

Just fucking get him.

Inside. Now.

Call me suspicious, Vin, but the very night

you bring round some rare drawers to my house, this happens.

Yeah, fuck, it's connected. These are the dickheads we robbed them off.

- This is my home! - I know.

I'm really sorry. Did they break in?

No, there's too much security. And this clown fell over a chiminea.

- Woke up my wife. They legged it. - Fuck.

I was just trying to do a good thing, I…

- Can I fix it? - How?

Fuck, I don't know.

I just can't fathom how they…

The jacket.

Look… Fucking phone.

I dumped this in here last night.

They've found it, assumed the drawers were in your house.

- I'll fix it. I'm sorry. - Hang on, stop.

Why would they go to all this trouble for a set of drawers?

Why don't we ring 'em up, tell 'em we've got their drawers,

say we want 500 quid, then when they come, we jump them.

- Find out who they are. - What if they're armed?

Armed? Honestly, what is it with you and armed at the moment?

This bleeding thing has a passcode on it.

Statistically, you're four times more likely to get stabbed than cystitis.

- Where the fucks that? Los Cabos? - The UK, man. I'm telling you.

Yeah, statistically, that sounds like total nonsense.

Here, look. Why don't we just leave the phone on at a new location

and see if they come again. Where are the drawers now?

Jim's farm.

Right, so, we go there and we wait. If they see their van there,

then they'll think they're in business, it's perfect.

- All right, lads. - [all gasp and laugh]

Oh, it's… getting worse.

She even did a makeover on Nigel. Look…

He smells like lavender, dude.

This is exactly why I don't get into relationships.

In case you get heavily made over?

They always try and change you, don't they?

I say to women now, "This is who I am. Take it or leave it."

- And that doesn't put them off, no? - It does, yeah.

How'd you fancy a night-long stakeout in a shitty pig shed?

- Can we have coffee and doughnuts? - Can have as many as you want, yeah.

- And no wheatgrass. - There will be no wheatgrass.

Yes! No more wheatgrass!

[pigs snorting]

All right… I spy with my little eye,

something beginning with…

- "P". - Pig.

Why would it be… We've had pig twice.

Piss-take, lads. We have to sit out in this freezing cold barn

when there's a nice, big, lovely, warm farmhouse round the corner.

- Swill? - That's a fucking "S"!

- Pigswill? - No!

- Pricks! - I didn't know you were playing!

- [laughter] - Who last used my indoor bog?

- Why? - I'll tell you why.

'Cause someone's left an unsinkable.

- [chuckles] - I'm not having it, Vin.

It's just sitting there, rent-free, like it fucking lives there.

- Just pump the handle! - I've pumped the fucking handle!

- Who's the perpetrator? - [childish giggling]

Oh, like that, is it?

Well, fine. I've got all night.

But I'll tell you this.

No one leaves this room until the culprit's found!

Oof! Intense!

Hmm…

- I thought it was gone. - [laughter]

Well, it fucking hasn't!

- What've you been eating? - Mainly protein.

Get back in there! Knife and fork! Deal with it!

[all laugh]

Hey, Ashley, chop, chop.

[whispers] Oi, lads… Lads, there's someone round there.

[groans]

- [man] You, you bastard! - [grunting and groaning]

[Ash] Stay calm! Stay calm!

- Don't panic! - Stop fighting! Stop it!

Just settle down, man. We're not gonna hurt you.

We're just gonna ask you some questions, all right?

- Evening. - What the fuck are you doing here?

Trying to find my post rammer! I know you've had it off me!

- Have I balls! - Stainless steel, solid metal cap.

- I saw him admiring it. - He's talking crap!

Post rammer? I'll ram you!

- What? - What?

- With my fist! - Oh.

- Fucking hell. - What you all doing here, anyway?

Sneaking round in the dark, sticking bags on heads.

'Cause we're expecting visitors. Thieves.

- Thieves? - Yeah.

- Told you they were coming? - In a manner of speaking, they did, yeah.

I just passed a bunch of posh blokes with their car stuck in a ditch,

but they didn't look like thieves.

- Where were this? - Down the lane.

Posh cursing, they were.

Looked like they needed a nice rioja… Hey!

♪ The hardest button to button ♪

♪ The hardest button to button ♪

- Need any help, fellas? - We're fine, thank you.

Oh, no, no, no. We insist.

"We"? Shit! Run!

[gunshot]

No way! Mr Bates!

Vinnie!

[chuckles] Vincent O'Neill. You taught me History.

- He taught me History, this geezer. - Vincent.

- How's it going? - Yeah, I'm doing all right.

How's your dad?

He's fucked. He's still an alcoholic, in't he?

- How you doing? You still teaching? - Early retirement.

Yeah? I assume you've all come for the erotic drawers, have ya?

Why'd you want 'em?

Well, they're just very appealing, aren't they?

- We're enthusiasts, aren't we, chaps? - Yeah, yeah.

Sounds like bollocks.

In school, we're always taught not to lie, aren't we?

- You did, though. Often. - Oi, that's not the point…

We want the truth. We can either do it the easy way or the hard way.

So, why do you want the erotic drawers?

It's your time you're wasting.

All right, fuck it. Torture 'em. Everyone grab someone beige.

Wait! No, no! Get off!

Fill that bucket and flick his ears.

Ow!

Never mind "ow." I'm gonna go and get me cane.

I swear to God, I'm not gonna stop till someone cracks here.

Youse are in Guantamano now, lads. Don't make me start on your feet.

That house you tried to rob belongs to Terence McCann,

and if you don't know who that is, let me tell you summat,

- you don't want him in your life. - Done well for yourself, Vinnie.

- Thief, hostage taker. - D'you know what?

Maybe if you'd made your lessons a bit more interesting,

I'd have paid more attention.

D'you know what we used to call you in school?

Masterbater.

- [Ash] Smelly-Smelly Dog Breath. - Fuck Face.

The Drone. Because of the droney way you'd harp on, man.

Well, Carl Slater liked my lessons, and he's done very well for himself.

Carl Slater bums dog, don't he? I tell you what,

bell him up and tell him you've been nicking antiques.

Let's see how much he wants to be your pal then.

You becoming a thief…

I mean, honestly, it might be the most interesting thing you've ever done.

You're middle-aged men.

You should be at home drinking real ale,

discussing cruise holidays. I don't know what you do.

There's a reason you've all gone to these lengths.

And I wanna know why.

Take their shoes off.

No, no, no, no! Okay, okay, okay!

We're a secret history group.

We're all of us experts in different fields.

And we go deep into historical research.

We've discovered a little-known secret

about the drawers that are in your possession.

- It could be apocryphal… - What does that mean?

Made-up.

The story goes that the maker of the furniture, Emmanuel Dasigie,

was so fearful that his work would be seized,

that he hid some of his more extreme creations.

The story goes that, before his death, he drew a map.

Concealed it inside a piece of furniture in his house.

We believe it's inside those drawers.

- Are you for real? - Treasure map. That's unbelievable.

That is the craziest thing I've ever heard. It's fairy tale stuff.

So, you stole the drawers to try and find the map.

Untie him. Just him.

Oi! Feet!

Fuck sake, dude.

You've been told a load of crap. There's no fucking map here, man.

There must be! It has to be! All our evidence suggests…

- Try those legs! - I've tried the legs!

- Well, twist them! Press them! - I've tried!

It's concealed! It has to be here somewhere!

No! There's nothing!

Looks like your story was apocalyptic after all.

Hey, hang about. That line… See it?

It's not t'same colour as the rest of the wood.

That's not a flush join.

He's right. What about…

Give it a little…

[chuckling]

[Vinnie] Oh, fuck. No way!

- [laughter] - No fucking way, man.

Call me a genius.

I might be a simple farmer, but I'm an Englishman…

- All right. - With an Englishman's heart.

Jim, Jim, Jim! Shut the fuck up!

- That's a fucking map! - [cheering]

[Bates] No, no, no, no, no…

This is our plan, and you boys just stumbled upon it.

Yeah, well, that might be the case,

but we're professional thieves…ish.

You know… And you lot are fucking useless.

Ha! Hardly. We got the drawers, didn't we?

Yeah. Yeah, you did. And then we nicked 'em off you.

And you knocked over a fucking chim-nea,

- robbing the wrong… - Sh-imin-ea.

Chim-in-ay-er, robbing the wrong house.

And then you got your fucking car stuck in a ditch.

- He's got a point. - And if you rob that stately home,

you're all gonna get caught and ain't no one finding shit.

So, here's what I propose.

Now, I'd say nine out of ten of our jobs go...

[Jim] Seven, if you're lucky.

Seven out of ten of our jobs...

Six-and-a-half, innit, really.

Well… six.

Six out of ten of our jobs go relatively well.

And up till now, none of yours have.

All right? So, you either say yeah,

and potentially come away with your bit of loot here, or,

you say "no," I tell Terence McCann all your names,

we let the fucking cards fall where they may, what you saying?

- Okay. But we come with you. - Yeah.

On the job. This is our adventure and we want to be there.

Absolutely not.

You've got more chance of seeing

a one legged-dog shitting on a frozen pond.

That's fucking final.

- [man] This is fun! - [Bates] Thanks for letting us come!

Shh! Lads! Lads! Just shut the fuck up!

We're on a fucking robbery!

["High Ball Stepper" playing]

[Vinnie] All right, listen…

Positions.

You two, take the right, you two are gonna take the left.

You keep dog eye while we do the cutting, all right?

If you see anyone, walkie-talkies.

Go on.

Check this out… couple of bloody pros here.

We're gonna be in here in five minutes.

Last one.

Do you see what I mean? Do you see what I mean...

- [sirens blare] - Oh, shit!

[sirens continue to sound]

Will you… Hurry the fuck up, dude!

[Bates] It's my knees… [grunts]

Well, that's it, then. We've blown it. We need to get out of here.

Honestly, that's an amateur response.

What we're gonna do is we're gonna stay here, all right?

Right here, quiet.

- [Ash] What? - Christ.

- I said, "We're gonna stay here, quiet." - Ah.

'Cause pound to a penny, no fucker comes out tonight to reset that system.

♪ 'Cause I'm a cowboy ♪

♪ On a steel horse, I ride ♪

[sirens blaring]

Had a thought earlier.

Yeah?

We could have just come during visiting hours.

You what?

I mean… we didn't need to break in, did we?

We could have just paid and walked in as tourists.

That's a much better idea.

[footsteps crunching on gravel]

[guard farts]

Sandman, come in Sandman. This is Beaver Three.

[Sandman over radio] Any sign of intruders, Beaver Three?

Negative. Over.

Has the site been penetrated, Beaver Three?

Negative, Sandman. No sign of penetration.

Then I suggest we leave this to the morning shift.

Affirmative, Sandman. Over.

[radio chirps as guard farts]

[all groan]

[glass shatters]

["Show Me Everything" playing]

♪ Show me ♪

♪ Show me… ♪

[Cardi] Do you know, this, yeah?

This is like a proper…

Like, Indiana Jones…

[ornament shatters]

Shit.

You've fucking broke that now, ain't you, you bellend?

[sputters] S-S-Sorry…

Can only take you somewhere twice. And once is to apologise.

Now get the fuck down there.

Right, according to the map,

secret door's somewhere across that wall there.

And the mechanism for said door… is up there.

Right, who fancies lifting me up? Not you.

- [Ash] Right. Go on, so. - Oh, oh.

- [groaning and grunting] - [Vinnie] Fucking hell.

- It's stuck. Fucking thing. - [Bates] Try again.

Do you think?

'Cause I was just gonna fuck it off after all this trouble and go home.

- Lemon. - Christ, you've a bony arse.

I told him that last week.

- Why were you feeling his arse? - You're killing my shoulders, Vin.

Well, know what, your big fat head's mashing my balls to smithereens.

We've all got our fucking crosses to bear.

Got it.

- Oh… - [creaking]

[Cardi] It's open. Y-Y-Y-You've done it.

Put me down, Ash.

Mr Bates, get the fuck out of way.

Let's all queue up, like we did at school.

["Default" playing]

[groans] Ah! Come on, lads.

[JJ] This is doing nothing for my claustrophobia.

It's like a Berlin sex party.

[Bates] There's something ahead, an opening!

- Like I say… - It's here! It's bloody here!

The secret room! We've found it!

[Vinnie] Holy shit…

- [indistinct chattering] - [man] This is such an adventure…

Fuck.

It's a cleaning rota.

No one's been here since 197-fucking-5.

Fucking coffee cups and shit like a bed down there.

This is where the staff came to skive off, this.

It can't be!

All our research suggests this is Emmanuel's secret storage space.

All your research, eh?

I'm sure Emmanuel is up in heaven right now,

laughing himself silly over this,

sat in a massive cock-shaped harp.

- [sighs] - [Cardi] Fuck!

Fuck it.

Let's smoke a spliff.

- Cheers, lads. - Nice one.

Have a good night.

Arr-on. I mean, Aaron…

- What you doing here? - Is this…

I thought you worked in a wine bar.

[both laugh]

- The chances of this… - Mmm.

Incredible coincidence.

- How about I buy you a drink? - How about you go home?

Oh, hang on… We got off to a bad start.

I apologise.

- Let me buy you a drink. - No, thanks. I'm good.

Your choice.

But if you're gonna be serious with my brother,

we need to at least… get on.

- How much is entry? - Ten.

Tenner it is.

Thank you.

I hope they look like you in there.

[chuckles]

Fuck it.

- [clears throat] - [line rings]

- [Jake on phone] Hey. - Hi. Erm…

- It's over. - What?

Me and you, Jake. It's over.

Okay, I'm sorry. It's just… It's not right. We're done.

- Erin, I… - No, Jake.

Jake, you know it yourself, all right? It's…

I'm sorry.

It's over.

Erin wait...

["Place To Be" playing]

♪ When I was young Younger than before ♪

♪ I never saw the truth Hanging from the door… ♪

Right… Go on, sod off, then. I need my bed.

- Fun, that. - Mmm.

An adventure.

It's what we do, innit? Adventures.

It's an important lesson that, though.

You can't always come away with gold, can you?

No.

But…

sometimes…

you can find…

- silver. - Where'd you find that?

Found it in the er… s-s-s-secret room.

You know, when we were having a spliff.

[indistinct chatter and laughter]

No way.

I didn't want them teachers to have it.

- I wanted to give it t'you. - Eh? No, no, no.

I can't take that off you. That's finders keepers.

No, no. I want you to.

'Cause, er…

You know…

You've been sad.

["Can You Get To That" playing]

I'm really glad, er, that you're alive again.

Me, too.

Love you, mate.

- I love you, dude. - I love you too, man.

- Look after yourself, yeah? - All right.

Go on. Sod off.

♪ I once had a life ♪

♪ Or rather, life had me ♪

♪ I was one among many Or at least I seemed to be ♪

♪ Well, I read an old quotation In a book… ♪

Right, get your shit together.

Get your shit together, we'll get out the fuck out of here.

Cardi, come on. I'll buy you a kebab on the way home.

All right.

♪ Can you get to that? ♪

Why don't you try a change of scene?

See if that has any effect on your dreams.

[Jules] How about you stop here tonight? Have the whole pub to yourself.

They're all coked-up!

Oh…

- Some fucker's in the cellar. - What are you doing, anyway?

Oh, fuck!

Just chilling.

- This is my friend Dylan. Hi. - Hi.

- I made the woman I love shit her pants. - Wow.

♪ I got so much trouble in my mind ♪

♪ I got so much trouble in my mind ♪

♪ I got so much trouble in my mind ♪

♪ I got so much trouble in my mind ♪

♪ I got so much trouble in my mind ♪

♪ Give me the strength to carry on ♪