Original subtitles

He stole money that belongs to Terence McCann.

You, Vincent, are the shit on my shoe.

If I even hear your name again, you're done.

- Are you high? - [laughs] No.

Where's my antique dildo?

I need your help.

- Cut his dick off. - No, no, no!

Erin!

There's a guy in the pub and he topped himself.

He said, "Terence McCann made me do it."

- [cheering] - It's Terence.

How does it feel to be dead?

[exhales heavily]

[slurps]

Oh, fuck.

- All right, Vinnie? - No, wrong person. It's not me.

- You what? - I'm not him, am I?

He's dead.

I'm just a… doppelganger, love.

- A what? - A double!

I'm his double. I just look a bit like him, don't I?

Oh.

Poor Vinnie. How did he die?

He slit his own throat. Do you know where bog roll is?

I've no idea.

- Are you sure you're not him? - Fuck, I just said that I'm not him!

You're getting me cross now. Listen to me. I'm dead.

I'm dead! I've had a funeral and everything.

It's been really sad, Edith, but we're all getting over it.

You just reminded me of the whole thing. Leave it out now, love.

Just shift on.

You're fucking doing my head in, Edith.

I've just said I'm not him.

Where the fuck's bog roll?

[music playing on car stereo]

[music fades away]

[music on stereo returns]

Fuck.

♪ The best things in life are free ♪

♪ But you can give them To the birds and bees ♪

- ♪ I need money ♪ - ♪ That's what I want… ♪

Dad.

- ♪ That's what I want ♪ - ♪ That's what I want ♪

- ♪ That's what I want ♪ - ♪ That's what I want ♪

♪ Your love give me such a thrill But your love don't… ♪

[horn blares]

- ♪ That's what I want ♪ - ♪ That's what I want ♪

- [grunts] - [tyres screech]

♪ Your love give me such a thrill… ♪

You fucking idiot!

♪ But your love don't pay my bills ♪

- ♪ I need money ♪ - ♪ That's what I want ♪

- ♪ That's what I want ♪ - ♪ That's what I want ♪

Whoa!

Fucking shit!

♪ That's what I want… ♪

Sorry, Sheila, love.

- I broke your fence. - Vinnie?

[grunts]

- [cat screeches] - Argh!

♪ Money don't get everything It's true ♪

♪ But what it don't get I can't use ♪

- ♪ I need money ♪ - ♪ That's what I want ♪

- ♪ That's what I want ♪ - ♪ That's what I want ♪

- ♪ That's what I want ♪ - ♪ That's what I want ♪

- ♪ That's what I want ♪ - ♪ That's what I want ♪

- ♪ Money ♪ - ♪ That's what I want ♪

- ♪ Lots of money ♪ - ♪ That's what I want ♪

♪ Loads of money ♪

[chickens clucking]

Here they are, the Famous Five.

There's six of us, Jim.

Well, the fucking Famous Six, then.

[sighs] I used to love them stories.

But you can't read them to kids now. Lefties saying that they're racist.

I remember when marmalade had gollywogs on the side.

Now that was diversity.

- Where's Vinnie? - He's showering.

At fucking last.

[Cardi] How is he?

[exhales] Depressed.

Look at him.

Says his bipolar's bad.

I said to him, "Bipolar? It's all in your mind."

I mean, nobody had bipolar during the war, did they, eh?

Think about that.

Churchill suffered depression, Jim.

Yeah, he was fighting the fucking Nazis!

What's he got to worry about? I'm sick of the fucking sight of him.

You need to get him out of that shed and get him back robbing again.

Funny you should mention it.

- No, dude. - What do you mean, "no"?

- Just count me out, man. - What you gonna do, Vin?

Spend the rest of your life down here getting stoned and pissing in bottles?

Yes, actually, Erin.

And so would you if your dick was on the chopping block, love.

Hang on, why are you pissing in bottles?

There's a fucking Portaloo.

It's full.

Where are you shitting?

Never mind where I'm shitting! Christ.

Look, whatever you've got planned, just count me out of it.

We need your help, Vin.

This is an opportunity for us all.

[snaps fingers] Exactly. A legitimate business opportunity.

The ownership of the Rat & Cutter's up for grabs.

People pay good money for quality entertainment.

Women shaking their tits around.

The point is, no need for crime. No need for your petty theft.

We can even pay tax if it makes you feel all warm and fuzzy.

Erin will be my assistant manager, with Sugar, co-assistant manager.

The girls are all on board, Vinnie.

We spoke to Kenny Diamond, he'll give us the lease.

But, and this is where you come in, sunshine, there's a problem.

If you want the club, I need 10K.

Cash. By Friday.

- By Friday? - By Friday.

- By Friday? - By Friday.

By F… [sputters]

I think we've established how long we've got.

So we need readies, fast.

Ashley, tell him the plan, love.

Yeah.

The Beasleys are coming to town with their stupid circus.

They're a bunch of psychopaths.

And you know how much my family hates them.

There's been bad blood for years. So…

I say we rob them. Generators, stage lights. That's expensive kit...

- And where do we sell it? - Chinese Dan.

Chinese Dan? Come on! He's a slippery fucker!

He says he'll buy. Whatever we take, he says he'll have it.

We get the money for the Rat & Cutter,

and we piss the Beasleys off. It's a win-win.

And we get you back in't game. So it's…

[sputters] win… win…

Three wins.

All right, fuck it. All right, then. No.

On one condition. We need Dylan.

- No! - Why not?

- You know why. - Erin.

What? No, because being part of all that crap, Tommo, ruined my life.

This is the answer, is it, yeah?

- Plumbing? - Yeah.

What if I told you Erin wants this?

Mate, she's part of the scheme.

[scoffs] I'd say she's out of her mind.

[chuckles] You want her back. Eh?

- Now is your chance to help her. - She's with Jake.

Oh, yeah. Do me a favour. Little rich boy?

If she were that bothered, she'd have his ring on her finger by now.

You're seriously gonna give your life to fucking ballcocks?

I'm late. Sorry, sorry, sorry.

Late again.

You were awake when I left you.

[chuckles]

Oh, my God. Is it flesh?

Returned from the dead, it's Osama bin Laden.

- [chuckles falsely] - You all right?

I've been in a weed bunker now,

for three months pissing in bottles 'n' that.

Where were you shitting?

Never mind where I've been shitting!

I can't see out of this eye, you know.

I... I've got gums that are constantly bleeding.

I can't work out… I think I've got scabies.

I've been fucking belling you up.

Yeah, I know. I'm sorry, Vin, I've been, er, snowed under.

But I have been thinking about you.

In fact, I was thinking about you last weekend.

I was with this er… lady friend.

We were having a picnic.

Well, I say picnic. You know, some Brie and nibbles,

a cheeky little glass of Rioja and…

That is… that's a picnic.

She's got this little dog called Jarvis. It's a cocker.

She was telling me, this little thing, it's not like an ordinary dog.

It's an emotional support dog.

And I thought… Vinnie.

You… you thought that I was like her emotional support dog?

No, that's what you need.

They're brilliant, they can… If you get down, like you,

they can sense it.

And they come over to you, with little happy faces and they sidle up,

and you stroke them and they soothe you.

That's just a dog, dude.

That's just a dog. For… Fuck me.

- Be sad. Be down. - What are you doing?

Go on, be miserable and whining,

like you are when you have one of your depressions. Ready?

- For what? - Just be sad.

[panting]

The fuck, dude? No…

Happy? [barks and pants]

Don't do this, man. Oi.

Stop doing all the growly stuff. It's weird as fuck.

Go on. Happy eyes.

There you are. You got a little smile out of little Jarvis, haven't you!

Your anxiety's melting away.

Dissipating. Woosh!

Pat me head.

Pat it.

Come on, stroke my little furry head. I'm stroking your furry head.

You try to get close to me fucking knees, you pervert.

- I'm not! - Yeah, you are.

- [barks] - No, no, no.

Do you ever think…

"Fuck me, I'm a maniac?"

Shit.

It's not gonna be easy, this.

Them lads have serious muscle down there.

How are we gonna know what we're taking?

Even if we can get in, we'll need to be in and out double quick.

JJ's right, we can't be fart-arsing around down there looking for stuff.

The Beasleys catch us, we're fucked.

Didn't they cut someone in half once?

That's what they do, innit, in the act.

It's part of the act, knobhead. They cut someone in half.

- No, they did. They cut a boy in half. - Yeah.

Fuck.

- I have an idea there, now. - Mmm?

We need an inside man. Someone to help with logistics.

Someone who couldn't give a shit pissing off the Beasleys.

Yeah? D'you know someone who can do that, do you?

Mr Popov.

[door opens]

- Dill. - No, no, no. Busy.

Fucking hell, dude, I've come out of hiding for this, man.

It's not for me, it's for all of us. If it helps Erin, it helps Tyler.

- Dude, he's your kid, man. - I know.

But as far as he's concerned, you're the fucking man in his life.

And he loves you and you love him.

Oh, d'you know what? Fine, Dyldo. Fucking having that.

Fuck.

[Popov] Man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm.

He said, "Two pints, please. One for me and one for t'road."

[chuckling]

- Oh! - Nice to see you again.

[sighs]

- Well, this place is a shithole. - Good to see you're cheerful, Popov.

Happiness, that's for idiots.

And what the bloody hell have you come as?

- I'm in disguise. - Why?

'Cause someone's trying to cut my dick off.

Well, you should let 'em. Mine's got me into nothing but trouble.

[coughs]

[coughs and sputters]

- Oh, a trick. - [chuckles]

- That's still going. - Sure you're done now, eh?

[coughs]

It's a dying art, that. Takes years of practice.

And do the people appreciate it? Do they fuck.

- So what do you want? - All right… Mr Popov.

- It's Colin. - Colin.

We know you've had beefs of your own with the Beasleys.

And what we're after really is…

We need an inside man, all right?

To provide us with information on just the layout.

Circus geography, y'know what I mean?

- Hmm. And why would you want that? - Wanna borrow some stuff.

I see. Right.

[others wince and groan]

- [Ash] Brilliant. - Where's that gone?

- [Ash] Another good one. - [sighs] So what's in it for me, then?

All right, and I'm glad you asked.

About 200 quid's worth of weed there, you know.

- Knock you right out. - [Cardi] And, Tommo?

I'm the managing director of an erotic dungeon.

I can get you spanked, wanked,

and involved in an Alabama Hot Pocket this very evening.

[exhales] Sorry, lads.

- I think you've got the wrong man. - Ah, hear.

- [farts] - Oh.

All right, a threesome and a Panamanian petting zoo.

[exhales sharply] No.

So, go on, then. Name your price.

All right.

I'll take that bag of weed.

And your Panamanian petting zoo.

Plus…

10% of everything you make.

- Five. - Ten.

Fuck. Deal.

- [chuckles] - [squeaking]

Oh.

[man] Hey! Hey!

Pizza delivery.

No one's ordered any pizza.

What are you on about? It's this address.

"Circus." It's a circus, in't it? It's all paid for. Wanna check?

- Paid for? - Paid for, yeah.

- All right, hang on. - Yeah. You're interested now.

Come on!

Bingo.

Hey!

What are you doing?

- Shut the fuck up. - [muffled] No, get off!

Stop it. Stop it, dude. I had me pants down, you cunt.

- Get the fuck on. - Twats.

Come on. This is me colleague Agent Pink.

No, no, I don't want to be pink, Vin.

- What do you want to be? - Black.

- D'you want to be black? - No, red. Orange.

- Orange? - Yeah.

Fuck sake! This is me colleague, Agent Orange.

Now, he's gonna stay with you and help you eat these pizzas. Right?

The rest of us, we're gonna fuck off.

We'll come back in a bit.

Jesus Christ, you're deceivingly strong, aren't you?

[distant music and laughter]

He said the trucks have all got names.

We're looking for Bingo Wings and Dragon Tattoo.

Right, we've come in here.

That's it. That's Dragon Tattoo. Other one's gonna be over there.

[drunken chatter]

[Vinnie] Fuck me. Oh.

It's like BFG and Warwick Davis.

- Fucking hell, he's hammered. - He's tripping.

[chuckles] Right, right, listen.

I'm gonna go and see if the clown's done his trick. All right?

["Come With Me Now" playing]

- Fuck, which one's which? - It's 50-50.

For fuck's sake, I bet we've got 'em wrong way round.

♪ Whoa, come with me now ♪

♪ I'm gonna take you down ♪

♪ Whoa, come with me now ♪

♪ I'm gonna show you how ♪

♪ Whoa, come with me now ♪

♪ I'm gonna take you down Whoa, come with me now… ♪

Go on. [grunts]

♪ I'm gonna show you how… ♪

Are you serious? Frodo Shaggins, get in the fucking truck.

- [grunts] - Jesus wept, dude.

Right, come on. Moment of truth.

Fuck! It's the wrong key!

If you think I'm getting down there, you've got another thing coming, man.

Shit, dude. [grunts]

Fucking walloped me arse, dude.

Wait… [laughs]

Why is he doing that? Oh, man.

- Oh, fucking hell, here he is. - Dickhead.

- Fuck sake. - I've given you t'wrong keys.

- I know. I've just tried it myself. - You lose 50 feet.

- Let's not fall out. It's a 50-50 chance. - If you'd let me…

[man] Put your fucking hands up!

- Who the fuck are you? - We're the fucking cleaners, dude.

- What? - We're the cleaners.

Bobby hired us.

- Bobby? - [Vinnie] Robert.

- Was it Bob? - [all] Bob, yeah.

- It was Bob, wasn't it? It was Bob. - Yeah.

We're called Spick and Span.

We clean fucking trucks and buses 'n' that.

- You don't look like cleaners. - Hang on. What do cleaners look like?

Marigolds, spray bottles, mops…

I see. Oh, dear. Oh, dear.

I see what's happening here. Is it because we're men?

I'll tell you summat, it's not cool, man.

You can't say shit like that nowadays. Can you?

- No. - You can't say that.

- Can't say stuff like that. - I've never said that.

- You're thinking it. In't he? - We caught ya.

You're fucking just stood there, thinking,

"Four men. That's a woman's job."

You're putting words in my mouth.

Yeah, because we get this shit all the fucking time.

Honest to God. You know, honestly, in the modern world,

the division of labour, that's changed.

You know, traditional roles, they might be…

Thank fuck for that, dude!

- Shit. - Let's get out of here.

How was there not a Bob? There's always a fucking Bob.

- Didn't we already swap? - No, that's the first time.

- Oh, my God! - Confusing.

[man on TV] I can't say I'm totally shocked…

[grunts]

["Come With Me Now" resumes]

[yelling]

[grunts and yells] Ah, you fucking arse!

[laughter]

Vin!

Vin! Vinnie!

You fucking arse! I'll… [grunts]

[Vinnie] Cardi!

♪ Whoa, go with me now ♪

["Hand Clapping Song" playing]

♪ Clap your hands now People, clap now ♪

♪ Clap your hands now People, clap your hands ♪

♪ Clap your hands now People, clap now ♪

♪ Clap your hands now People, clap your hands ♪

♪ Clap your hands now People, clap now ♪

♪ Clap your hands now People, clap your hands ♪

[rhythmic clapping]

[music pauses]

Oh, wow!

That's a right result. Look at them generators there!

That mixing desk is EMI REDD. They recorded Abbey Road on one of those.

Ladies, we have hit the jackpot.

I reckon there's enough gear here alone to get the dosh we need.

- And there's still another truck. - Avanti.

- Avanti. - Advantage.

Right.

What have we got in here, then?

What's this, then?

[roars]

Jesus fucking Christ!

It's a fucking lion. It's a lion from the jungle.

I don't… Nah, I don't think they're from the jungle.

What are we gonna do, lads?

There's no choice, we have to take it back.

We can't take it back, we can't unsteal a lion.

- We've only just nicked it. - [Ash] Beasleys are gonna be pissed off.

It's a trained lion, massive part of their show.

I say we get it out, get the truck shifted

before the fucking coppers turn up.

Can't we just dump the lion with the trucks?

- What if it dies? - Why would it die?

Why would it die? What about food, water?

[Cardi] We could feed it a rabbit.

They don't eat rabbits, they eat gazelles and buffaloes, man.

[Vinnie] The lion is only in here to rest.

The circus would have it out in the morning.

Mmm. No, Dyldo's right. Who's gonna help me move it?

["Mannish Boy" plays]

Where you going? Whoa, ey, no, no, no.

Listen, it's tame, it's fucking used to people.

It's not gonna pull anyone's head off. Dill, it's domesticated.

It's like a fucking sizeable kitten, Ashley.

You worked in a circus. Get it out.

I sold popcorn, though.

It's domesticated, man. Where you going? You're not fucking leaving.

- I wasn't. I was… - Stay there.

- Staying here. - Fuck, dude.

♪ The greatest man alive ♪

♪ But now I'm a man ♪

Let's get Jim.

I want reimbursing for this steak, Vin.

That's Tesco's Finest, that is.

None of your rump shite, that's sirloin.

Just come the fuck on.

[sing-song] Here, lion, lion. Come on.

Come on, lion. Come on.

- Cardi. - What?

It's looking at me. Why's it looking at me?

- Maybe it fancies you. - Maybe it's racist.

Shut up, dickhead! How can it be racist? They're from Africa!

Just keep the fucking steak moving down this way.

[Dylan] This is without doubt the stupidest thing you've involved me in.

Think how happy Erin will be when she's managing that strip club.

- Co-assistant managing. - [all scream]

Get to fucking hell with it!

I think I've wet myself. Give me that fucking thing.

- [Cardi] What are you doing? - [Ash] Jesus, man!

♪ I've got whiskers on my chin ♪

♪ Never had no problems 'Cause I've always paid the rent ♪

♪ I'm a man ♪

♪ Yes, I am, and I can't help But love you so… ♪

- Fuck. - [Jim] It's not living in there, Vinnie.

I'm not a fucking zoo!

If that thing keeps me awake roaring, I'm taking my rifle to it.

- All right, I'll shift it. - Yeah, fucking tomorrow!

I will shift it tomorrow! Jesus Christ, Jimbo!

Fucking hell.

You lot go and shift them fucking trucks before the police gets here.

Jesus Christ, nearly had a fucking stroke.

Whoa.

- There you go. - Thanks, Jim.

They're big, aren't they?

♪ Be nice to see you In the morning light ♪

♪ Be nice to see you In the morning light ♪

[grunts softly]

♪ Be nice to see you In the morning light ♪

♪ Morning light ♪

♪ Morning light… ♪

I'm worried about Tyler.

And Sugar's gonna be here in a minute.

Sorry.

♪ It's simply a case of knowing ♪

♪ That my discontent is showing… ♪

- [clears throat] - [door closes]

What's going on?

- I'm moving in. - You're moving in? Since when?

Since I couldn't afford the rent by myself.

- Dylan! - Whoa! Hey up, big man!

Whoa! How you doing?

- Good. Yeah. - Yeah?

Is this the best idea?

Sugar in the next room to Tyler.

She's not bringing men home, Dylan.

She won't be lap dancing once Tommo takes over. She's co-assistant managing.

With you, I hear.

Yes, but it's temporary while I do my resits.

If you disapprove so much, why did you help them rob the circus?

I don't disapprove, Erin.

- All right? I just... - What?

Dylan, it's a business, all right? It's what I'm studying to do.

- Run a business. - Yeah, hotels and tourism. Not…

[sighs] All right, so it's all right for your mate to run a strip club,

just not your ex?

How's Jake?

- [phone ringing] - He's fine.

- [sniffs] How's college? - Good.

- Your phone's ringing. - Oh, yeah.

Hey up, dude. Right. Cheers, man.

Erm… yeah, I'd better get him to school.

[Erin] Okay.

[sighs] Does he miss me?

Of course he misses you. He loves you.

He is playing up a bit, actually. I'm wondering if it's related.

And Vin? Has he seen him much?

Yeah, a bit. Yeah. He gave Tyler bloody nits.

[chuckles]

It's been hard, though. Him down there, pissing in bottles.

Where's he shitting?

[chuckles]

Who rang on his phone?

- Sa-ra. - Saa-raa?

S-A-R-A.

Oh, Sara?

Okay.

- Bye. - Love you.

- Love you. - Bye.

- See you later. - See ya.

["To Be Young Is To Be Sad, Is To Be High" playing]

Fuck!

[grunts]

Fuck off!

♪ Young boy, done you bad I went and did you wrong… ♪

Jim! Jim!

Jim!

Jim! J, J…

- Fucking Jim! Fuck! - [music pauses]

- Fucking… Jim! - What's up with you?

- Lion, dude. - What?

Where the fuck is it?

- Pig shed. - It's fucked off, there's been sightings.

That's crap, because I checked on it first thing.

And I distinctly remember locking the…

- Ho! - [gasps]

Stupid old cunt! It's fucked off.

Honestly, how the fuck does anyone lose a lion, man?

I tell you what, dude, it's gonna pull someone's head off, Jim.

Hey! If it does that, it's on you.

I didn't steal a fucking jungle creature.

- They're not from the jungle! - Fucking wherever it's from!

You brought it here and that's what I'll tell the judge and the jury.

Fucker! Fucking… We need a search party.

Ring Ash and Cardi, I'm gonna ring Tommo and JJ.

- Fuck's sake! - [music resumes]

Not that.

- No. - [yells]

Where the fuck's this lion?

Well, that's it, innit? It's fucking gone.

The thing about a lion, right, it's bound to turn up somewhere.

Thank God you're here! Know what I mean? Of course, you bellend!

Let' just wait for it to maul a child, fucking job done. Know what I mean?

In case you've forgotten, some of us have got a club to open.

Right? And I need that dough. So you… lion watch.

The rest of us… Chinese Dan.

[Vinnie] Right… go on!

["Introducing The Fearless Flyers" playing]

Fucking hell, lads!

- [buzzer sounds] - [man] Hello?

- Hello? - Hello?

I'm here to see Chinese Dan.

- Who is it? - Vincent O'Neill.

Mate, the buzzer's broken.

Fucking… What you using it for, then?

Christ, were you just there, then?

- What? - Were you just stood there?

- What are you using buzzer for? - I wasn't.

Dude, I heard one step. Like, one step then you were here.

- What are you using that for? - No.

All right, well, I need to see Chinese Dan.

- I've got some stuff for him here. - Wait here, I'll go and get him.

Safe. Here… Here y'are, mate.

Hello?

- Who are you? - His bodyguard.

All right.

He's a sandwich short, him. Bloody bodyguard.

Dan's a low-level importer-exporter, do you know what I mean?

Oh, dear, dear.

Fucking hell. Dear, dear.

Jesus Christ.

All right, Dan. Is there a problem?

You know I love you, Vin,

but what am I supposed to do with this heap of crap?

Heap of crap? It's fucking professional kit, that.

Professional kit? Look at it.

It's worn, it's battered, it's unloved.

Where've you picked it up from, 1975?

You know this is good gear. Look at that mixing desk.

Look at it. That's a classic.

Yeah, "classic" being a euphemism for "ancient."

The fucking Beatles recorded on one of them, Daniel.

Tell him. Tell him about The Beatles.

- Abbey Road, maybe Sgt. Pepper's. - [Chinese Dan] Beatles?

Well, I'm an Elvis man. In't that right, Calvin?

♪ When no one else can understand me ♪

♪ When everything I do is wrong ♪

♪ You give me hope and consolation ♪

Dan, the fuck, mate.

♪ You give me strength to carry on ♪

♪ And you're always there ♪

♪ To lend a hand ♪

♪ In everything I do-oo ♪

♪ That's the wonder ♪

♪ The wonder of you ♪

You finished?

[Cardi] Very good.

- Thank you very much. - What are you doing?

He's fucking shafting us, Cardi! You're shafting us.

- Oh, that hurts, Vincent. - [Vinnie] Let's have it right.

You know we need fast readies so you're screwing us.

Let me put it plain.

We need 10,000 cash for the lease on a club by bloody Friday.

- By Friday? - By Friday!

So all this gear, every scrap of it's yours for 10K.

- I'll give you four. - You can fuck off, Dan.

I won't fucking barter!

- It's ten or nothing. - Suit yourself. Nothing.

Oh, balls. Er, well, then… Fuck. Nine, then?

I thought you weren't bartering?

Five. And that's me going out on a limb.

Eight. Eight?

Six.

- Five. - Fine, fucking Dan!

Fuck's sake. Fine. I'm not gonna forget this.

Calvin, help them bring it in.

["Smells Like Teen Spirit" playing]

Petula? [whistles]

Come on, girl.

Petula? Petula?

[Petula whines]

[Petula whimpers]

[whines]

[lion growls]

[lion growling]

[snarls and roars]

He wants to call the authorities.

Yeah, well, he can forget that. It's not his bloody lion, is it?

We have to get rid of it, Vin, before it attacks one of us.

We could just ring cops and say it wandered across t'fields.

We could do that, but use your brain.

The lion's precious to the circus, they want it back.

So… we're gonna give it back.

How are we gonna do that, eh? You said it yourself, Vin.

If we give it back, they'll know we stole the gear.

Always thinking.

What's that mean?

[imitates Liam Neeson] If you bring back the girl, that'll be the end of it.

But if you don't, I'll hunt you down, I'll find you,

- and I will kill you. - All right, mate.

- Stop fucking about. Cardi. - If you bring back the girl,

- that'll be the end of it. Ow! - Cardi.

[Vinnie] Stop fucking about with it!

- [Ash] Boys! - [Vinnie] Hold it.

Dial the number.

- [Cardi] You're fucking being a knobhead. - [Vinnie] Shh.

[phone ringing]

For fuck's sake, can never get a fucking minute. Give me a minute.

- Hello, who's this? - [disguised voice] I have your lion.

- You what? - I said, I have your lion.

- Brian? - Not fucking Brian!

I have your lion! Lion. Lion.

I can't make out a word you're saying, pal.

Get hold o' that. I have your fucking lion, pal.

Motherfucker! Who is this?

I'm the man who has your lion and if you want to see it again, pal…

You've got all my fucking stage lights as well.

No, no. No, we don't. We fucking sold them.

Oh, you are dead!

- We had to postpone the show! - [monitor beeping rapidly]

I don't need this. I've got a fucking heart condition.

All right, well, calm down, then.

You can have your fucking lion back, it'll cost you seven grand.

- Seven… Seven? - Yeah.

I'll tell you what. Keep it.

- What? - Keep the stupid lion.

- What the fuck am I gonna do with it? - Well, you shoulda thought about that

- before you fucking stole it! - Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Six grand, then. Six grand.

- Two. - Two!

Fucking five, and that's me going out on a limb.

Four. Final offer.

Fuck. All right, deal. Deal.

Listen carefully, this is how we're gonna do the swap. You listening?

Fuck's sake.

- [Cardi] Any sign? - No.

- Do you want a pickled egg? - No.

Ey-up.

Approaching car. Two knuckleheads visible.

[phone ringing]

- What's going on? - [Cardi] Red alert.

- What do you mean, red alert? - There's a car approaching.

How's that red alert? It's not even bloody amber.

You're not giving yourself anywhere to go, love.

- B-Be prepared. - Fine, amber.

Have they done the drop or what?

- Have they done t'drop? - No.

- No, not yet. We're watching. - Well, there you go.

- That's an amber, innit? What? - Hey, hey, hey.

Cardi, what's happening?

Ah, yeah, red alert. Someone's got out.

He's got an holdall, looks heavy.

He's walking to t'bus shelter.

Listen, my lot's here for the lion. Get down and check that bloody bag.

- They haven't left. - What?

They're just talking to one another in t'car.

- They're sharing a pasty. - They're sharing a pasty.

Sharing a pasty, these.

Looks like a Cornish, could be chicken and mushroom.

It looks like a Cornish, but it could be chicken and mushroom.

They're taking it. The trailer's attached to their van.

[Vinnie] Fuck, no! Listen, d-don't let them take the fucking lion

without checking the bag, lads!

Fuck… Will you shoot something?

- I'm not shooting at the Beasleys. - Fuck.

- They're going. - They're going.

[Vinnie] Listen. Get down there fast and check that fucking bag!

R-R-Roger. Affirmative.

["Off The Ground" playing]

Cardi? Cardi?

[yells]

Cardi?

Fuck!

Yeah, I think they've, er…

I think they've screwed us.

What the fuck? Give me that fucking gun.

Come on, Vin.

Never mind "Come on, Vin."

[gunshot]

Fuck!

♪ Hey, hey, I gotta pick myself Up off the ground… ♪

I missed.

Come on now, Vin. We robbed them, they robbed us back. Fair's fair.

Fair's fair?

We made a profit and we got rid of the lion.

- Let's just be satisfied. - We're still five grand short.

- Plus Popov's cut. - Fucking Beasley.

He's not getting away with this.

[man on video] Then the assistant is covered by a curtain.

The curtain is removed

and the assistant has been turned into a lion.

- How do they do that? - So, you ask, how did they do that?

[all chuckle]

Obviously, there has to be an explanation.

- Can we have a lion? - No, you've already got one on your bed.

Amazingly, the lion is actually

inside the cage during the entire illusion.

Using raw meat as a lure,

the lion is enticed to stand behind a fake wall.

The assistant drops into a secret compartment at the base of the cage.

She pulls on a cord that releases the lion into the cage.

Any mistake, and the girl and the lion end up in the cage

at the same time with horrific consequences.

[Vinnie] All right.

Sugar. How do you fancy being the lady?

Are you out of your mind?

Go and get the lion. Go on.

Vin, man, it's not rational thinking.

- You can't just burst into a circus. - I'll do it.

What?

I'll do it. If it's good for the business, yeah.

- Why not? - Why not?

Right, well, let me think.

'Cause there's a fucking lion in the cage, Erin.

Yeah, well, I think we've found our lady.

["I'm Gonna Make Her Love Me" playing]

- [Popov] Same deal as last time? - Same deal as last time.

Including the Hot Pocket?

♪ I'm gonna make her love me ♪

♪ Till a rock ain't stone ♪

♪ I'm gonna make her love me Till the cows come home ♪

♪ I'm gonna make her love me Till the cows come home… ♪

Me dad was a stilt walker. I looked up to him.

Christ. There she is.

- [Vinnie] Who? - Blonde hair, headscarf.

- Right. Good luck. - Thanks, dude.

- [buzzer sounds] - Fucking hell, I shit myself.

Dickhead! Bloody hell!

♪ I'm gonna make her love me… ♪

Hiya, I'm… I wonder if you could help me.

I'm looking for Popov. I'm part of his new act.

[muffled cry]

- I feel bad on her now. - Don't. She's an awful bitch.

- Come on. Get an outfit on. - Which one?

I don't know. One that's like hers.

- I'll do your make-up. - Okay.

You two get down the office, I'll find Nat Beasley.

- Erin? - Yeah?

Do you know what you're doing?

Kind of, yeah.

Don't worry, I won't look.

Right, go on.

- [laughter] - [circus music plays]

[cheering and whooping]

You look amazing.

I feel it.

[Erin clears throat]

You're really okay doing this?

- Why not? - In case you end up inside a lion.

[chuckles softly] Dylan, you've seen the video.

It's eaten, okay?

Why are you doing this?

For fun.

Come on.

Ladies and gentlemen.

Boys and girls.

A darkness lies in all of us,

like a beast roaring to get out.

[crowd cheering]

Tonight, my friends, by using the power of my mind,

I will transform this beautiful lady…

into a fierce lion!

Lady into a lion, eh?

- It's gonna go wrong, this. - Who the fuck are you?

- You see that lady there? - She's not your lady. She's mine.

Unless you pay me the five grand you owe me

for the fucking lion you stole,

she's not pulling back the cord to release the false wall.

You're the bastard that robbed me! [groans]

What? Shit. What? What?

Oh, for crying out loud.

Fucking relax.

- Who are you? - Stand-in. Cassie's unwell.

You've never had a show go wrong and it won't today,

if you pay me the five grand cash.

The lady is now trapped.

I've got lads in the audience filming it.

You're gonna be a fucking laughing stock.

Crowd's gonna be fucking disappointed,

there's gonna be loads of refunds, all that bullshit you have to do.

All right! If she's in the cage, how will she know I've agreed?

[Vinnie] Text. No message, no lion.

I want everyone to count from ten…

Come on, Vinnie, for fuck's sake.

[lion growling]

[roars]

Shit.

My boys are at your office. I want five grand cash.

Make the bloody call.

You… You're fucking dead for this.

I am gonna make you part of my own personal magic show.

Sounds sexual.

Liam, pay the cunts.

Just fucking do it!

Fuck! Is the reception bad in here?

- Just fucking send it. - I'm sending it. I'm sending it.

Are you ready? Ten, nine…

- Fucking send it! - I'm fucking trying to send it.

[audience] …six, five…

four, three…

- Fuck. - …one…

Release the beast!

[growling]

[crowd cheering]

[lion roars]

Get after those bastards.

And get that bitch out of that cage.

I want a fucking word with her.

[grunts, groans]

["Jezahel" playing]

You were amazing!

Well, I'm co-assistant manager, these things have to be done.

- Get the fuck out of here. Come on. - [tyres screech]

[tyres screech]

Vinnie! Wait!

[engine revving]

♪ Jezahel ♪

["Funky Music Sho Nuff Turns Me On" playing]

♪ I like the sound of funky music ♪

♪ Let me hear you singing ♪

- ♪ I like the sound ♪ - ♪ I like it ♪

♪ Of funky music ♪

♪ 'Cause funky music Sho nuff turns me on… ♪

- Dylan, come here, you twat. - Give me a hug.

We did it, man. We did it.

Dude, where are you shitting?

Never mind where I'm shitting. Shall we get a beer here?

[music pounding from inside]

Get in.

See that face? Face of a traitor.

- Just be cool, man! - Now then, Tommo, where are you?

France, mate. Booze cruise for the Rat & Cutter.

Fresh scones, straight from the oven.

I'm gonna fucking kill you!

A fucking porno, Carol?

What a phallus.

- Hold on! Here we go! - Whoa!

[Vinnie] Who fancies a nice day out?

Fuck.

♪ I got so much trouble in my mind ♪

♪ I got so much trouble in my mind ♪

♪ I got so much trouble in my mind ♪

♪ I got so much trouble in my mind ♪

♪ I got so much trouble in my mind ♪

♪ Give me the strength To carry on… ♪