Original subtitles

[funky music playing]

Look at this shit.

Back to its former glory.

Like a phoenix from the flames.

Oh, my God. Tyler's play. Fuck! What time is it?

Where's them dickheads? Oi, oi, Ash?

- Cardi! - Shit.

What the fuck's going on?

- Nothing. - Well, why is all that out?

- What you watching? - Not doll porn.

It has to stop. Last time I am telling you.

["Money (That's What I Want)" playing]

[Cardi] Idiot. We got caught.

♪ The best things in life are free… ♪

[Vinnie] Two wheels in the sand here, we're late!

I said we would be. This is your fucking fault.

- [Cardi] Stop worrying, we'll make it. - [Vinnie] Honestly. Fuck me.

[Tommo] This play better be fucking good.

[Tyler] Who will help me dig the earth?

[lamb] I won't!

- [cat] I won't! - [pig] I won't!

[Tyler] I'll do it myself.

- Who will help me plant this wheat? - [boy] I won't.

- I won't! - I won't!

Fucking hell. Flat! Fucking pig.

[Tyler] I will do it myself.

Who will help me water these seeds?

- I won't! - I won't!

- I won't! - That fucking pig. He's really…

- He's good. - [Tyler] I will do it myself.

[audience applauding, cheering]

All the pupils of year three have all made a special card,

- to show how much we love… - [children] You.

They each have a special message inside for the people we love.

[applause]

- Daddy. Daddy. - Oh, thanks, buddy.

That's lovely.

Come here and give me a love. Oh, you are getting heavy.

- [Tyler] Mummy. - [Erin] You were so bloody good.

[Vinnie] Who was the pig? You were a lot better than the pig.

I thought the pig was lacklustre.

Ashley, what's going on? Are you all right?

You might wanna put that out.

- Sorry. - It's a school.

It's just my father.

I've been thinking about him a lot, since Mammy went back to Ireland.

All this, like…

I never had any of that, let alone the people in the seats.

Do you miss him?

Not Daddy, no, not that arsehole.

My actual, real dad.

Yeah?

Look at me, lads, I don't look anything like the others.

Mammy was adamant. Every time I asked her.

We all had the same dad. Daddy.

Fucked if he's my dad.

'Cause she'd have to admit to having an affair.

Yeah, but I don't care. Sure, I'm a grown adult, like…

I don't care what she did.

Hang on.

We were gonna tell you at the pub tonight.

Er, me and Carol, 'cause…

- we're getting married again. - [all exclaim]

Niall is gonna be there.

He knows all the family secrets, doesn't he?

So, we could just, like, ambush him and get him to tell you the truth.

That's a fucking good idea.

Niall, he gets really weird, anything to do with my mammy.

Now, listen, there isn't a day goes by

where I don't think about my mum leaving me, man, honestly.

She's out there somewhere.

I mean, if you find your dad, he could be a massive knobhead,

but at least we tried, you know?

- Yeah? Yeah? - Yeah. Yeah.

[gentle music playing]

Go on, sod off.

[slides door shut]

[sighs]

You're still his Uncle Dylan.

You are just as important to him now as you ever fucking were, man.

I know.

What the fuck's going on with you?

I'm fine.

Fuck off.

- Talk to me. - I'm fine.

I… [scoffs]

I dunno, I'm just…

I dunno, just, it feels like…

you've got something I had.

You know?

I was kind of his dad, you know, and now…

- You're still his family. - I'm not his dad. I'm not.

She got rid of my kid,

and I know that sounds like a fucking broken record,

but it's hard, all right? It's fucking hard

- to forgive her for that. - Yeah.

You know, I just… It's some sort of irony.

You know, stop shagging round and just,

you know, find someone I can have a life with, because…

You're right. You do need to sort yourself out. I agree.

But I am telling you now, man,

with no agenda at all, that fucking boy adores you.

Do you understand?

That card there is for both of us. It's not just mine, man.

Now stop having sex with random strangers.

You're gonna get chlamydia.

- Again. - Give me a love.

[laughs heartily]

♪ You don't have to say you love me ♪

♪ Just be close at hand… ♪

To Carol and Cardi!

- [all] Cardi and Carol. - [all cheering]

Hang on. It doesn't mean we've gotta steal another wedding, does it?

I can't do that again.

No. We're keeping this one real simple. Registry office, booze up,

then a honeymoon on Three Eyed Pete's barge.

[Tommo] Three Eyed Pete? I thought he went to prison

for flashing his knob on the towpath.

He did, it's why the barge is available.

[all laughing]

- Congratulations. - Thanks. Second time lucky, innit!

Does he get a plus one, for the wedding reception?

Er, yes, certainly. Yes.

I'm only joking, unless you want me to come.

I'd love to. I do love a wedding.

He'd love you to come with him, he's just brutal at talking to girls.

Great. Well, look forward to it.

All right, you. Fucking hell.

[all whooping, cheering]

Stop wooing me, dudes.

She's into you something fierce, Vin.

No. No.

It just feels a bit inappropriate

going to a wedding for a first date, dude. Very intense.

Niall's on his own over there. Will you talk to him?

♪ You don't have to stay forever ♪

♪ I will understand… ♪

- All right, Erin. - All right, Mick.

I hear you and Dylan aren't together.

You heard right.

Well, you're in luck. I'm single, as it goes.

Bird I was seeing pissed off to Whitley Bay.

Right. Why Whitley?

God knows. Must have fancied moving down South.

It's up north, near Newcastle.

- Is it? - Yeah.

Bitch said it was on the east coast.

It is. It's north-east.

North-east?

- [song ends] - [all applauding]

Didn't know the north-east had a coast.

[all cheering, applauding]

[mimics Elvis] Thank you very much.

Here he is, big lad. How are you keeping?

- Hi, Vinnie. - You're looking well.

Quick chat.

Been a bit worried about our Ashley. He seems down in the dumps.

Anyway…

I think I've found out why. It's his dad.

- What about him? - He's wondering what's going on.

He knows he don't look like the rest of yous, you know.

Not the same da as the rest of us?

Let's be grown-ups. He's mixed-race, isn't he?

- Vinnie, you're talking shite. - I'm not.

- He's fucking definitely mixed-race. - That's enough.

Niall, he is not bothered, he's not angry, or owt,

he just wants to meet his real dad.

You're saying my mother had an extramarital affair?

Is that what you're suggesting?

That my mother cheated on her loving husband with a Black man?

He didn't love her.

He used to press his dick up against the bus window,

- remember... - How dare you? How dare you?

- Niall! - [Mick] What's he said?

- What have you said? - Nothing.

- [Ash] Niall! - Let me hit him.

I've already hit him.

Ring caught me on the lip.

Not standing here, being insulted by this baldy bastard.

- Sorry. I didn't mean to upset anyone. - [punches]

[groans] Oh, you fucker.

- Prick. - That's just… Fuck me.

Fucking lip and dick.

- How did it go over there? - I got hit, twice.

I need to be sick.

[coughs] See you at the wedding.

[screams]

- Erin! - [Erin screams]

It's only me. I'm free.

Jah rastafari. Yes, blessed I am.

- You stupid fucking bastard. - What, did I scare you?

♪ Oh, Danny Boy ♪

♪ The pipes, the pipes are calling… ♪

Ash.

You're my brother, right? No matter what, you're my brother.

But you know the rules. We don't go delving into the past. Okay?

You didn't get that from me.

[over phone] You're shit in a bucket, Anthony.

- That's what we call you, isn't it? - Yeah.

Shit in a bucket!

I've heard what you've been saying

about your lady fighting me! [laughs]

I don't know. What's the deal?

Why did Niall tell us to visit your Auntie Pat?

- Don't think that's your dad? - I thought about it.

You think I look like him?

Man, come on!

You're fucking shit in a bucket!

I don't fucking know. I mean, Tyler's my little lad.

Do I look anything like him?

- No. No. No. - Exactly.

He's a terrific-looking boy. He is, yeah.

Well, he is, in't he? That bone structure.

- That's all his mum. - I was a cute baby. Everyone said.

Everyone said that, did they? Everyone?

Dickhead, listen to this.

Ashley, I was involved in a very prestigious award at Hawley fair

when I was 12-months-old.

- Guess what the award was. - Go on.

Beautiful baby competition, it was. I won the fucking thing.

- No way. - Now, who told you that, eh?

- Huh? - Obviously, you can't remember it,

so who told you?

- My dad. - Your dad told you?

Yeah. Because he gambled, and I'd have a go at him.

He'd say, "Shut up, Vincent. You've gotta be in it to win it."

"Look at you, and that…"

You and that beautiful baby competition.

- Just fuck off, dude. Shit. - [laughs]

Shit.

["Time Hard" playing]

♪ Everyday ♪

♪ Things are getting worse ♪

♪ Everyday… ♪

[Erin] Ronnie.

Right, sit up. Here.

[grunting] Come on, Erin,

can your brother not just get the sleep he needs?

Sit up! It's burning my hand.

- Fucking hell. For God's sake. - Now.

[snorts]

- That's an all right brew, that, Ezzo. - Mmm.

- You're still a Buddhist, I take it? - Buddhist?

Oh, come on, Erin.

Labels, man. Labels. Labels.

I've had enough of them. I've had 'em all my life.

- Mmm. - People go, "Oh, Ronnie, he's rubbish."

- "Ronnie is fucking thick." - Well…

"Ronnie is a feckless, violent, aggressive thief."

You are all them things.

That… I was, Erin.

W to the O to the S. Was.

- So, what I'm gonna do is… - Go on…

I'm gonna prove to you, Erin, that I can…

I can make a go of things.

Turn things around without having to resort to like, erm…

- What's the fucking word? - [clears throat]

Rather than kicking someone's head in and taking the money.

- How are you gonna do that? - Easy. Get a job.

Yeah.

Earn money, legit vibes,

and then fuck off to Ireland and hook up…

- Remember Donal McGuinness? - The extortionist?

Not any more. He runs a guest house in Cork.

He's looking for a fucking sous chef. Ah-ah, hello.

And that's you, is it?

I'm a fucking whizz with the wok.

When I was inside, everyone called me Ronnie The Wok.

Yeah, Ronnie Wok Wok. Ronnie, go chop chop.

Foo Young Croft, they called me.

Char Sui Ronnie, big style, yeah.

I'm turning, I'm turning, I'm turning over a new leaf.

- There you go. Well done. - Thank you very much.

- Okay. All right. You can't stay here. - What?

Right. One,

- I've got a paying lodger. - Shugs.

Yeah. Two, I got an eight-year-old that doesn't need the bad influence

from his lazy, thieving uncle, that's why.

So, who's got a fucking spare room then?

Do I look like a fucking halfway house

for the waifs and strays of society?

Bleeding heart liberals chucking open their doors

to every daft cunt with a sob story!

[mimics sobbing]

Oh, they had a bad upbringing.

Oh, they were molested by their Uncle Philip.

Oh, they've got, erm, connection issues.

Fuck off!

They're selfish, robbing twats,

never done a decent day's work in their lives.

And you can send as many fucking theatre workshops

as you like into prisons,

they're not gonna come out quoting Romeo and cunting Juliet!

Is that a yes, or a no?

Argh!

[rock music playing]

[imperceptible]

Go on!

[imperceptible]

Christ.

I know how he feels.

That there, that's how life is treating me at the moment.

Argh!

[rock music continues]

- Shame. - Hmm.

- [Ash] Hard luck there, Auntie Pat. - Hey, all right, young Ashley.

I didn't see you in the crowd.

Too busy hiding behind my hands.

- [laughs] - Good man.

Remind me.

I'm Vinnie.

I was that big last time you seen me, Pat.

Tommo. We've not met.

Ah, you look familiar.

Didn't you run the Rat and Cutter?

Hey, hey, hey, that is fake news, pal, that is.

I still run it. I'm the proprietor. I'm the fucking visionary, mate.

Yeah, last Christmas party, didn't you play one of the horny elves?

[Vinnie clears throat]

[laughs silently]

Is he all right?

Yeah. Yeah. Sensitive.

- [Vinnie] Here he is. - [Tommo] Brews up.

- [Ash] Thanks, Auntie. Thank you. - No problem.

Go on, get that down you.

[Tommo] Nice one, mate.

Now then,

what are you all doing here?

I'm sensing this isn't just a social visit.

[Vinnie] Not really, no.

Let's just come straight out with it.

His mam is saying that Der…

- Diarmuid. - Diarmuid is his real dad, right?

Same as his brothers, but that can't be true, you know?

We've come to you to see what you know, man.

Why me?

[Ash] You were around when we were growing up.

You know Mammy well.

- She was no saint. - She liked the dick.

- Okay. - [Auntie Pat] Don't we all, eh?

I'm not gay, but I'll suck dick now and again.

And I like wearing dresses, you know,

but I wouldn't want my langer cutting off like that sex-change lot.

[all] Mmm.

I knew this guy from the community had surgery,

and when it finished he asked for his… her balls back.

Had them set in a paperweight.

I said, "Why a paperweight?"

"When does paper ever blow away?" [laughs]

Fair point.

She says she sometimes works in the garden,

it can get windy, so I said,

"I'll build you a bigger fence, make it a sun trap."

The thing with Dad...

Beautiful garden. You should see it.

She's got Campanula muralis. It's dead hard to grow.

- Forms this dense mat of green foliage... - Pat, Pat, Pat.

Sorry, bredren, I'll stop you right there. It sounds like a sick garden,

but you might be a bit concussed, lad.

Ah! I won't know for a while yet.

Listen, Pat,

you're essentially part of the family.

You were always drinking with Daddy,

or having the craic with Mammy, dancing around in the kitchen.

There were nights where you'd sleep over.

- You see what I am saying? - Oh, son.

I wish I could help.

I know she used to like to have affairs.

Her little comfort flings, as she used to call them. [laughs]

[grunts]

But who with, I don't know,

and which, if any, is your real dad…

- No bother. - [Auntie Pat] Sorry about that.

Right. Gents, on that note, I am having a slash.

Knock yourself out, horny elf.

Come on, you lot, let's talk about something happier.

It's private. Put it back.

There's something in them albums he doesn't want us to see.

Like what?

Photos of him and your mum together?

Or a photo of him as a young lad, 30 years ago,

looking a bit like yourself.

Right, lads, we need to get those photo albums.

[brakes screech, handbrake crunches]

- [Cardi] Vin? - What?

[Cardi] What about the barmaid?

[both singing] ♪ Vinnie and Sammy sittin' in a tree ♪

♪ K-I-S-S… ♪

Very mature.

Stuck on K, love? [laughs]

Listen, hey, I like her.

I'm terrified. Fuck's sake. I am not used to girls liking me.

Last pair of knockers I saw were Big Sandy's,

and she had… She had rigor mortis. It was still standing up.

Are you proper into her then?

Yeah, I am actually.

It's a worry though, man, you know.

Oof, is that Pat? That is Pat.

Oi, what have you to do?

Er, follow him.

Make sure he doesn't come back early.

Correct. And you follow him at what?

- Subtle distance. - Good lad!

Right, now listen to me.

He's probably going to the boozer. Get yourself a pint.

- All right? - [Cardi] Is that all?

- Sod off! - [Cardi] Bye.

Cardi.

[Cardi sarcastically] Tenner. Great.

Get your shit together.

Ashley, what do you think they'll do if we get caught?

[Ash] If any travellers do catch us, they'll just cut off our toes.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

- [man] Who goes there? - Shit.

- [man] Is there someone back there? - Fuck.

[Tommo miaows]

[miaows]

[man] Fucking cats.

[singing] Memory…

He's fucked off. That worked.

You wanna hear my baby lamb?

No. Another time. Come on. Let's get the fuck out of here.

[mumbling, cursing indistinctly]

[Vinnie] I didn't know you were going there, you idiot.

Shit, dude.

My fucking appendix, dude. Jesus Christ.

[mumbles]

…fucking walnuts. You been going to the gym?

You're feeling very lean yourself.

We were worried about you for a while there.

- Shoes. - What?

We've just broke through the fucking window.

This is Auntie Pat's house. Have a bit of respect. Shoes!

Christ, mate.

["You Ain't The Problem" playing over stereo]

♪ I hope to find who I believe in ♪

♪ Get back in line I can't deny myself… ♪

Fuck it.

[Vinnie] Blood and sand, look at this, dude.

[Ash] We've got something here, man.

Look at the state of that.

- [Ash] What is it? - It's Auntie Pat

having a smooch up with your mammy

and a selfie before selfies were even fucking selfies.

Don't get carried away, right. It's just a kiss.

You kiss Cardi, don't you? Friends kiss friends.

- What I'm saying is, all it is, is… - Playful.

- Oh! - Okay, that's summat else.

Stop. They're my mammy's boobs you're looking at.

Not just the boobs, sweetheart.

Bloody hell, it's like an angry badger.

- [Ash] I came out of that. - It's full…

How? Did you have a machete? [chuckles]

[slurps]

[giggles]

[chuckles] Go on.

Oh, fuck.

[softly] Hello?

Oh.

No, no, it's not what it looks like.

There's flashlights in there, Pat.

- Will I come in there with you? - Yeah, come with me.

Will I bring my nunchucks?

You might as well now they're in your hands.

Don't fucking move, or I'll take your fucking heads!

- Ashley. - Yeah, Pat.

- Argh, you bleedin' know them? - I do.

But I don't know why the fuck they are in my fucking caravan.

Can we explain?

Fair play to them for taking off their shoes. Respect.

I'm not proud of myself, but, yeah, me and your mum, we…

We had a thing. What more can I tell you?

Life happens.

But I can tell you this, hand on heart,

I'm not your daddy.

How's that then?

I ain't got no seed.

I found out years ago when I was with my Martha.

It's probably what tore us apart in the end.

That and the dick sucking.

Mmm.

That's it then, isn't it? I'm never gonna find out.

Shit, man. Maybe it's for the best.

Maybe we ought to let sleeping dogs lie on this one.

If it's any consolation, I don't see my parents, either.

Mainly their decision, but, er…

[inhales deeply] I'm good with it.

Actually, there is one thing you could try.

- Yeah? - Yeah. Your brother Niall.

- Yeah? - He knows all the family history.

[Vinnie] We tried.

He punched me in my fucking lip and Mick clipped my dick.

You know what he's like. Get him off his face.

Years ago, we had this Easter Egg hunt for all the kiddies.

We thought, "Let's jazz it up, make it a bit more interesting."

So. we had an Easter ecstasy hunt, right? [laughs]

Thousands of pills all over the site.

Your brother Niall, well, he found too many, didn't he?

The stories he was spewing out of his mouth, oh, my good days.

Fair enough. We need to slip him an E. How the fuck…

If you can get him to an event,

somewhere where you can spike his drink.

Sorry.

Sorry, guys. Sorry, I…

Cardi's wedding.

Yeah. Cardi's wedding. Yeah.

[singing] ♪ When you feel so clean ♪

♪ And the soap smells serene ♪

♪ And you step right into a… ♪

[reggae music playing]

What the fuck are you doing?

[Ronnie] What the fuck does it look like, Jim?

You're fucking pleasuring yourself.

And if you are, don't!

You think you can tell Ronnie Croft what to do?

Look, if I want to wank, Jim, I'll wank myself into oblivion, mate.

I'll be like a fire hydrant.

I'm two rooms away.

I don't like the idea that you're in here,

whazzing yourself off to fucking bukkake, or gonzo,

or whatever disgusting shit that you're into.

- Bukkake? Bukkake? - Don't play the innocent with me.

I've no idea, mate, like, none.

- The woman's on her fucking knees… - Yeah?

…and two blokes are jetting themselves off all over her.

[both laughing]

You seem to know a fucking lot about it, son.

I'm a man of the fucking world.

I'm an Englishman, with an Englishman's brain.

- And an Englishman's... - Taste in porn, go on.

I am not standing here, in a towel, in my spare room

discussing bukkake with the likes of you.

I'm off to a wedding bash.

Woah-woah-woah! Just fucking woah, Jimberee.

What wedding? Which wedding bash?

Nosey shot the crow.

- [chuckles] Fuck! - Aah!

Come on.

[cheering]

["Hallelujah, I Love Her So" playing]

♪ She's my baby and she lives next door ♪

♪ Ah, yeah ♪

♪ Every morning 'fore the sun comes up ♪

♪ She brings me coffee In my favourite cup ♪

♪ That's why I know Yes, I know ♪

♪ Hallelujah, I just love her so ♪

♪ When I'm in trouble And I have no friend ♪

♪ I know she'll go with me Until the end ♪

♪ Everybody ask me how I know… ♪

Oh, fuck.

♪ I smile at them and say "She told me so" ♪

♪ That's why I know, oh… ♪

Well…

Frosty the Snowman upstaging the bride.

[laughs]

- You look amazing. - You too.

You scrub up really well, don't ya?

That's fucking… "Scrub up really well."

Relax, Vin.

Cool.

We might get on, we might not.

We're two people who like the look of each other, going to a party.

- Mmm-hmm. - Come on, get me pissed.

- He the best you can do? - [Vinnie] Shit.

Mental weed dealer.

Samantha, this is Carl Slater.

He, er, went to school with me, didn't you, mate?

Detective Slater.

Carl Slater as in "Carl Slater bums dogs"?

[Vinnie] The very same. Yes.

Don't get too attached, Samantha. He's going to prison soon.

And that's a promise, not a threat.

- [tyres screech, car stalls] - Oh.

Oh-ho-ho!

- Oh, dear God. [laughs] - [engine starts]

He's struggling.

- Oh, dear. - Do you know what I mean?

["You've Made Me So Very Happy" playing]

♪ You touched my very soul ♪

♪ You always showed me that ♪

♪ Loving you was where it's at ♪

♪ You made me so ♪

♪ Very happy ♪

♪ I'm so glad you ♪

♪ Came into my life… ♪

["Boys" playing]

Make sure Niall doesn't take the wrong glass.

Ashley, do I look like an amateur?

I've been spiking drinks since you were in short trousers.

Think on, it is in the special glass.

I'm just saying, who collects your rubbish?

Who fixes your fucking streetlights?

You might not use the schools, or like the fucking police

but that doesn't mean you can't pay your taxes.

Get away from me before I punch you in your stupid mouth.

Ha! Violence, you see!

They say it's a cliche,

but you fucking travellers solve everything with…

Ah! Fuck!

- Prick! Oh, thanks. - Hey, hey, hey.

Fucking hell. Your sister went and necked it.

What did I fucking say?

You better have more, Tommo.

Ashley, I have got enough to sink a fucking camel.

The point is I've wasted it on your sister.

Hi. I'm Erin.

- Samantha. - Hi.

You're Tyler's mum?

- Yeah. - He's gorgeous.

You run this place, don't you?

Yeah, yeah.

Well, it's a means to an end.

- Bigger plans and all that. - Yeah.

I thought it shut down. How did you get it open so quickly?

Er, just sorted the licence and stuff. Yeah, not a big deal.

Must cost a bit though, running a club.

How do you afford it?

I got a bank loan.

- ["Levitating" playing] - Yeah!

Aw, for fuck's sake. Excuse me.

Lads, Champagne.

Down the hatch and let the good times roll.

- Didn't you used to run this place? - I still do, you prick.

♪ If you're feeling like you need A little bit of company ♪

♪ You met me at the perfect time ♪

What the fuck are you doing here?

I'm a pleasure magnet, Erin. What do you expect?

I am a party popper, 2-4-7, 3-6-5.

Do you know what I'm like? A moth.

I'm like a fucking moth. I'm drawn… [whistles]

- like a… What are they drawn to? - Flame.

A flame? It's not a flame. Is it a flame?

- It is. - Stupid pricks.

They burn themselves. No wonder they're like that.

Yes, often.

- You're a moth aren't you, Ronnie? - All right, dickhead?

Hiya, mate.

Listen to me now.

Do not make a nuisance of yourself in here.

- I'm not gonna make a nuisance... - I'm being serious.

Yeah, I'm being deadly… Is that a fucking fella in a dress?

Oi! Oi! Oi! You keeping…

Knobhead.

You can say that again.

Knobhead.

[dance music playing]

[growls, laughs]

[clears throat] Sorry there, erm,

I couldn't borrow him for a moment?

Yeah, be my guest. Need a pee, anyway.

- Showtime, Vin. - Huh?

- Showtime. - Shit.

- Where is he? - There.

Fucking hell. He's off his head. The strength of that gear.

I had some last Christmas,

tried to get my trousers off over my head.

Just give it a go, will you? Oh, here, now.

Fucking hell. Shit, dude. Hey up, Niall, big lad, oi.

Come have a spliff with me, dude.

[kisses loudly]

- I'm twatted. - All right.

- So fucking twatted. - Yes. Ouch!

Fuck!

Ah, Vinnie. Vinnie, come here to me.

I'm sorry I was a twat in the pub.

No, it's okay. Cardi told me what you said.

Not a day goes by you don't think about your mammy walking out.

She should be ashamed, leaving you behind like that.

It's all right. It was a long time ago.

No. She hurt you so much.

She broke your heart and my mammy's heart, too.

- Eh? - She loved him, Vinnie.

I know she was married, but, oh, God, she loved him.

- Who did she love? - Tyrone.

- Who's Tyrone? - Tyrone Carver.

He worked on the fairs. He was a beautiful man.

He's the one that gave her Ashley.

I don't understand. How's…

How's my mum broke your mum's heart? I don't get it.

- She stole him. - What?

Your mammy stole Tyrone Carver off my mammy.

And I… Your ma, I know she had her bothers, Vinnie,

but she was beautiful, and fun, and she turned his head.

My ma couldn't complain, because she was married,

but Vinnie, she loved him.

My mum, my mum, yeah,

she ran off with fucking Tyrone Carver?

- And that's Ashley's dad, isn't it? - Yeah.

Yeah? Where the fuck did they go?

On the road. With the fair.

And then word come back now and again about them, rumours.

But then she got the word that he'd died. Heart attack.

What the fuck? What about me mum?

Oh, she… She came back, too.

She was working in a bar up in Crossley Mere.

What do you mean, fucking Crossley fucking Mere?

It's 20 fucking mile away!

Why have you never told me this? Eh?

You were better off without her.

Even Mammy said the same thing.

What kind of a woman leaves her child like that?

She broke you in half, she'd only do the same again.

No. No. Shut up. You fucking shut your mouth.

You don't understand.

I've been waiting for my mam to come back for me, and she never did.

And you've fucking known about it, you have.

You've known, and Mo knew.

You never said a fucking thing to me.

- Who else knew? - Nobody else.

No one else knows. Just you lot. You're fucking unreal. Fuck!

Hey, where's Vinnie?

He left.

I think.

["Juice" playing]

♪ Gotta blame it on the Goose ♪

♪ Gotta blame it on my juice, baby ♪

- Fucking hell. That's all right, innit? - [sniffing]

Right, can I just…

I'm blown away by you, and this, and all that,

your fucking open-mindedness and everything.

I've got loads of questions. Can I go?

- Sure. - Quick fire, Ronnie style, yeah?

[sniffs] Fuck me. Right. Are you ready?

- Are you trans? - No.

- Do you like men or women? - Both.

- Can I have some cocaine? - You had some.

- Are you happy? - Yeah.

Fucking wicked, man. I'll sit down. I can't feel my legs.

Know what I mean? I'm happy you're happy.

That's what it's about. Being out there.

I've opened my mind. Do you wear knickers?

I do actually. Tell you what,

best thing I did, wearing women's clothes.

I would not change it for the world. Funny thing is I just love the pants.

Safe. Safe.

Safe.

♪ That's how I roll ♪

♪ If I'm shinin' Everybody gonna shine… ♪

- [mobile phone rings] - Oh, sorry.

- Vinnie? - Erin, I… I need…

I need you to come to the shack.

Why? What's happened? What's up?

I can't. I need to lock up and take Tyler home.

Just… Fuck. Just come to the shack. I need you.

Okay. All right, I'm on my way.

Shugs. How pissed are you?

- What? - How pissed are you?

Fairly.

Do me a favour and take Tyler home, yeah?

- Yeah. - Thanks, mate. Thanks.

Tommo, lock up.

Did you see that?

Did you see the way she speaks to me?

No. No. No. No. No.

I will be dragged into the gates of Hades before I do that wench's bidding.

Dido said it, right, now I'm saying it,

"I will go down with this ship, I won't give myself up and surrender."

Just lock the fucking club, Tom.

Fair enough.

You've got to go.

- I can't. - Vin, it's 20 miles away.

You need to see if she's still there.

- Why, though? - Because she's your mum.

She's a mum who walked out on me.

She left me with an alcoholic man for some fucking bloke she met.

That's not a mum.

But you said she had mental health issues.

I just can't believe it.

I can't believe she's back.

Working in a bar 20 minutes up the fucking road.

I'll come with you.

- Thanks, but, no, I can't. - Vin, she's Tyler's grandma.

Yeah, and she lost the right to that the moment she fucked off.

She walked out on her son. She doesn't care.

Fuck. I've just never been able to understand it my whole life.

Why she left.

People do, Vin.

People with problems leave everyday.

Because they're so unhappy,

or they think everybody's better off without them.

Maybe she's scared.

Maybe she wanted to come back and she wanted to see you,

but she was, you know,

she was worried that you might hate her or reject her.

Maybe… Maybe it breaks her heart,

but she's had to parcel it away, you know.

Vin, you don't know.

This has been hanging over you since you were seven-years-old.

It's made you the person you are.

It's meant that you've never left this town.

I don't wanna hate her.

I like her like this.

A lady in a photograph.

- I'm not going. - You are.

Oh, fuck.

Oh, Jesus Christ, Cardi.

You're a fucking animal in the scratcher.

Oh, fucking hell.

It's after given me the awful horn now, though, like.

- What about we go for round two? - Yeah. Definitely.

Can I just have two minutes to reload?

Maybe we should watch a bit of porn, get us in the mood again.

I've got the perfect thing.

- Ah. - Oh, yeah.

- Ah. - Do you like that?

- I do. - Enjoying that?

I am.

From one porn actor to another, happy wedding, Carol.

We love you.

Oh, that's lovely.

Thanks.

- Shall we crack on then? - Come on.

["The Whole Of the Law" playing]

♪ I used to have the notion ♪

♪ I could swim the length of the ocean ♪

♪ If I knew you were waiting for me ♪

♪ I used to have the notion… ♪

Right, we've passed two pubs and a grotty wine bar,

if she is still working here, odds are in our favour.

What will I say?

[man] This your mum?

Yeah.

You look like her.

Oh.

- She's less bald. - Right.

I mean, to be fair, that's a lady isn't it? So…

My Aunty Jean's bald.

Alopecia.

On VE Day, we drew a Union Jack on it.

I've got a photo.

Get it out.

No, sorry, not here. She looks sort of familiar maybe,

but I don't really know her.

All right. Thanks, anyway.

- All right, cocker. - Can I show you this photo here?

I'm looking for a lady.

So, her name's Andrea, and she'll be a lot older than that now.

You see.

I think she worked behind the bar at some point.

You don't recognise her, do you?

There's, erm, there's a Cassandra, and a Maggie.

Hmm, do they look like this lady, Cassandra or Maggie?

- Not really. - Okay.

Sorry to have bothered you.

What can I get you?

Can we ask a quick question, please?

- Question? - [Erin] Yeah.

What am I, Tourist Information?

Buy a drink, you can ask what you like.

Can we have two halves of lager?

Halves? What are you, homosexual?

How does that make me a homosexual?

It's a known fact.

Just like they can't swim, or shoot a firearm.

Can't play snooker, they can't fix a moped,

- they can't throw a frisbee... - Can't tame a unicorn!

They're fucking useless at it.

What a stupid fucking list, you daft, old bigot.

- Get the fuck out. - I will do.

- All right. okay. We're going. - Hey, hey...

- No, Vin... - Just let me…

I've just gotta ask him. I'm fascinated.

I'll never understand it.

How does it affect you?

- One man sucking another man's dick? - Sucking another man's dick?

I'll suck your dick! I'll bite the bastard thing off.

[scoffs]

What a bizarre thing to say, given the conversation we've just had.

[laughs]

Show your face here again, I'll shove this up your arse!

And not in a good way.

[Erin] There you go.

I've ordered us a bacon butty as well.

Something to cheer us up.

Maybe she weren't here long.

Maybe she came back, then she moved away again.

Yeah, maybe.

We can keep looking for her. Go from shop to shop. Ask everyone.

It don't matter. Honestly.

Nothing'll ever hurt as bad as when she left.

I had to protect myself. And I have.

It were just…

Fuck. I'm a dad, now. Grown-ass man.

I have Tyler.

If he got hurt, and I couldn't help…

Or if I could never see him again…

I think it'd probably break me in half.

[sighs]

That's a lot of pressure, that, Vin.

Of course I don't wanna hurt you,

but I can't promise we'll be around forever.

You know the way I feel about you.

What about Samantha?

That thing you whispered in my ear,

before they put me in jail,

Number 12. You want sauce with them?

[Vinnie] Oh, fuck.

- Shit. - What?

- Mum? - [Erin] Andrea?

Yeah.

It's Vin. It's Vinnie.

Red or brown?

No. No. No. That's your son, that's Vinnie. We've come looking for you.

There's free refills on the coffee.

Just stop a sec. I did as I was told.

I stayed, but you didn't come back.

You've grown, haven't you?

Good looking.

- I'll get the sauces. - Mum?

Vin, just give her a minute. She's overwhelmed.

My heart's beating out of my chest here.

Can you ask that lady to come back? Please.

Can I just nip through?

- It's private, mate. - I know, I'm really sorry.

Mum! Mum!

I stayed where you told me to stay.

I have a little boy.

He's called Tyler.

["One Of Us Cannot Be Wrong" playing]

- You all right, mate? - Yeah.

Does she have a family?

Husband. Step-kid.

[sighs]

Is she happy?

[exhales]

Hard to tell.

She…

Does her work and goes home.

Hmm.

I'm sorry.

[exhales deeply]

Did you speak to her?

- Hmm. - Yeah?

Where is she?

She's gone.

Where?

She just walked away.

That's twice now.

She's just a lady.

I'm so sorry, Vin.

It's okay.

Let's go home.

[song continues]

[vocalising]

- All right, Vinnie. - Ey up, Pat.

- Fancy a brew, lads? - Go on.

- [Vinnie] Love one. - [Ash] Thank you, Auntie.

[Vinnie] Sorry you never got to meet him.

Your real dad.

At least now I know. At least now I've got a name.

She did love him.

You know?

You'd have been born out of love there.

And some great fucking sex, apparently.

- [both laugh] - Ah.

["It's A Motherfucker" playing]

♪ It's a motherfucker… ♪

Does this make us brothers?

♪ Being here without you ♪

Yeah.

Sure it does, mate.

♪ And I won't ever be the same ♪

♪ It's a motherfucker ♪

♪ Getting through a Sunday ♪

♪ Talking to the walls Just me again… ♪

[all cheering]

Three Eyed Pete's barge, here we come!

- I'm sorry. - Don't be silly.

♪ I won't ever be the same ♪

- You all right? - Yeah.

Christ, they're funny.

What's a bloody family, anyway?

It's just a name you call all the people around you.

This is my family here.

You.

That little lad.

You're the ones who cheer me up when I'm sad,

you're the ones who put a smile on my face when I feel like shit, you know?

And fuck, man, the rest is just… It's just the past.

Daddy.

Uncle Daddy… [grunts] …and Uncle Dylan.

- Give him a smooch. Oh! - Love it.

Give me a smooch. Oh!

[Sugar] Have a great time!

Fuck his brains out.

- Shouldn't take too long. - [all laughing]

[song continues]

As you can see, the safe is no longer here.

He said, "You do that,

"otherwise I'll hurt your sister." Argh!

- Who? - Keithy.

[screaming]

[shouting indistinctly]

[brakes screech]

He's dead as a fuckin doornail.

He's over near the big tree.

[screams]

The police could bang on that door any second.

- [knock at door] - [all scream]

["(I Got) So Much Trouble In My Mind" playing]

♪ I got so much trouble in my mind ♪

♪ I got so much trouble in my mind ♪

♪ I got so much trouble in my mind ♪

♪ I got so much trouble in my mind ♪

♪ Give me the strength to carry on ♪

♪ Give me the strength to carry on ♪