Original subtitles

Now, I'm not going to get cross with you. All right?

Just tell me how it went so badly wrong.

I don't know, Vincent, I don't fucking know.

I thought we had pulled it off. All I know is I am supposed

to lose the race and guess what? I lost the fucking race.

Just in a slightly different way to what we had anticipated.

[Vinnie] Simple, wasn't it? Was it not a simple plan?

You grab the jockey that's riding the favourite…

Switch it out with knobhead…

He fucks the race up and loses.

Gerry's horse comes in and we all get paid.

Tell me how you ballsed it up.

- I'll tell you how it happened. - Hmm.

This prick here and his inherent sizeist attitude.

- Get to fuck. - Ashley Dennings?

What? All I said was that the jockeys all look the same.

Oh, there we go. Prejudice raises its ugly head!

Now he's branding me a sizeist.

They fucking do all look the same in their matching satin outfits.

All walking one by one with each other.

- Like a little vindictive fairy tale. - Rude!

I'm sorry. I grabbed the wrong fucking jockey.

It wasn't just the wrong jockey, you grabbed the jockey

we wanted to win the race and you left the favourite to win it.

Knobhead on Gerry's horse.

That's him.

Go on, Tommo!

[crowd cheers]

Where the fuck is he? Where is he?

Go on!

["Money (That's What I Want)" playing]

I never said I could ride a horse. That were you lot,

and your nasty little assumptions based on,

thank you very much, me diminutive stature.

They have chimps riding horses in the circus.

- We shoulda just got a chimp. - Dickhead.

It wouldn't have made a fucking difference, you...

Shh!

You got on the wrong fucking horse is what you did, all right?

- You cost Gerry 16 grand. - Oh, fuck.

It's a lot of money. Fuck's sake, now we owe him 16 grand.

Y'know what I am saying? It's our balls-up.

- Again! - [mobile rings]

Fiddly dee, I wonder who this could be?

- Erin. - It's fucking Gerry, you knobend.

121 missed calls.

Fuck me.

Vin.

Sorry, we're full up today, so if you can just go down the other end…

All right, love, I am getting it.

I said I'll get it, so I'll get it.

Honestly, what are you stressing about?

I'll tell you why I'm stressing.

There's gonna be 25 sugared-up eight-year-olds running riot

round here in less than four hours' time, along with their mega snobby

nosey mothers who'd love nothing more than me to fuck this up.

Oh, and on top of that…

On top of that, I'm meant to be relaunching a club

and I've found out the flyers haven't been handed out,

which means we're going to have no fucking customers.

Right, where do you want me? What can I do?

Hang on.

Excuse me, out, boys. Thank you.

[boys giggle]

No chance.

Mate, it's a kid's party, not some stag do in the 'dam.

- Go on. - [groans]

Oh, it's getting worse. Go on.

Stop making words for a second, 'cause I am here,

and I am looking at the cake right now. Jesus, they're brilliant, aren't they?

- Are ya? - Yeah,

they are amazing what they can do. Look at that.

They've spelt everything correctly?

Fucking hilarious, y'know I am bad with reading stuff.

What is it supposed to say?

It says, "Vinnie you're having a fucking laugh if you think I'm that daft."

That's a lot to fit on one cake, innit?

Just get the cake here, pronto. Right, don't let me down, Vin.

I won't let you down, when have I ev… She's gone.

- She's just gone. - Oh.

Oh, yeah, shit. Have that.

- JJ? - Vinnie?

Are you still after a Rolls, you?

Yeah. What's the condition?

It's mint. Classic. Deep blue.

- '91 plate. - Bloody hell. How about the interior?

Cream leather.

Oh, my flipping God, yeah, yeah, get it, get it.

Get it? Oh!

Oi listen. Drive carefully, right, and don't do anything stupid

like taking any of them lot for a ride in it.

Oi, knobhead, you're on speaker phone.

Good. Well, flipping well make sure none of you chimps touch anything.

And that is especially you, Tommo, with your dangly little legs

- and dirty size-four shoes. - They are size six.

Scratch it and I'll scratch you. Comprende?

Com-Com… Completely.

- Vin, can we stop for chips? - No, we can't stop for chips.

- Why not? - We've got to drop this off, haven't we?

- What? - Here you are.

Sorry, how do I get the Bluetooth on?

Menu, settings, Bluetooth.

- Why do you need the Bluetooth? - Chips afterwards, how's that?

- But it's on't way? - Never mind if it's on the way!

- [engine starts] - [Cardi] Ah! Ow!

Where are you going? No! Come back here, you bastards!

["Louie Louie" playing]

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Louie, Louie, oh, baby… ♪

- Oh, fuck. - What's going on?

- Cream doughnut. - Cream dough…

Where have you got a cream doughnut?

- Had it on me. - What, in your pocket?

- Yeah? - Oh, Christ.

Ashley, keep your eye on him, it's a posh car, y'know.

JJ's been after one of these for fucking ages.

Honestly, this could sort us out, y'know, set us straight with Gerry and that.

I'm gonna bell that twat.

[phone rings]

[phone beeps]

Now then, Gerry, love.

You've got some neck phoning me, you balding little prick.

Away now, come on.

Give me a chance to say, I'm going to sort your money out.

I can get you a chunk of it today, Gez.

- It's too late for that, Vinnie. - What?

- I've sold the debt on. - What?

I've cut me losses and I've sold the debt.

You no longer owe me the 16G's.

Fuck, dude, who've you sold it to then?

- The MacDonaghs. - Oh, fuck off.

You fucking could've given me some time there!

You've had time. Plenty of it.

You dodged all my calls and showed me no courtesy.

- You forced my hand, Vinnie. - You know what they're like.

They're nutcases!

My advice to you is settle that debt with them lunatics

before the interest starts piling up and spiralling out of control.

- [phone beeps] - [sighs]

Fuck me. The MacDonaghs.

Devon Lewis owed them a grand six months ago, now it's twelve.

He's a fucking window cleaner, how's he gonna pay them back?

Especially with two broken ankles.

The MacDonaghs nicked his ladder when he were on a third-floor window.

- Fuck me, that's all I need, innit? - [mobile ringing]

How are you now?

What?

How? Don't rip the piss out of us…

Grand, yeah, we're on the way. We're on the way.

What's going on?

It's me Uncle Francis. He wants to see you.

What's Uncle Francis want to see me for, dude?

- He doesn't like me at all. - Something's happened with Doolan.

- He's not got engaged again, has he? - [all laughing]

He's been kidnapped.

["Mother" playing]

♪ My mother worked 15 hours Five days a week ♪

♪ I know nothing I'm just sitting here ♪

♪ Looking at pretty colours ♪

♪ Mother, Mother… ♪

[Clodagh] He went out yesterday morning,

and the last thing he said to me was "I love you, Mammy.

"I'll see youse in a bit." But then he never came back.

Don't worry, Clodagh. Doolan'll be back.

You'll see him back here in one piece real soon.

Happen he got lost, y'know?

Or engaged again?

He likes getting engaged. That's true. He's romantic like that.

Sixteen engagements is beyond romantic. It's pathological.

Don't you feckin' talk ill of your poor brother,

not while he's in his hour of need.

- I mean, do we know who's taken him? - Stupid fucking question.

The list's as long as your arm.

Take your pick from any of 16 jilted brides

or their humiliated fathers for starters.

That fella he fell out with over the whole business with the weasels and the caravan?

Yeah.

They're after sending a note.

Ta.

"Give us 20 grand, or Doolan get…

"get sit."

- Gets it. - Gets it, yeah. [chuckles]

"Nockop… Nockops…"

- Dill, nockops, what does that say? - "No cops."

No cops! Christ.

- "Or funny bus in ass?" - Business.

"Or we'll do him in. Send a gadjo with…"

- Fucking hell, we'll be in touch. - Gadjo? Gadjo?

Yeah, a fucking gadjo. So?

- What's a fuckin gadjo? - Youse. Youse are fuckin gadjos.

- I'm a gadjo? - Yeah, you're a gadjo.

- And I'm a gadjo, am I? - That there is a term for a non-gypsy.

Just say that then.

You're the only gadjo we can trust.

And the only one we know.

And some random gadjo might not appreciate

what would happen to him if he crossed us.

But you, you fucking know.

They sent us a burner phone

and said they'd ring today so keep it on.

And if you miss it, on your fucking head be it.

Franny, is there not someone who's a bit more… suited to this?

- I'm just very thin, man, and... - You won't let us down, Vinnie.

It's a big old responsibility though this, y'know?

And I don't want to be late for picking up this cake later...

I fucking told you, he was a waste of fucking space!

We are asking you to save a man's life here and you are pissing

- and shitting on about cakes! - I'll do it. I'll do it.

Too fucking right you will, boy!

Ta.

Twenty grand. No funny business.

They call, you go straight down to the drop-off point

and leave it exactly where they told you to, done.

[Clodagh] We're counting on you to get him back for us, Vinnie.

["Stand By Me" playing]

[sighs]

[mobile chimes]

Erin. "Where the fuck are you? We open tonight." Fuck you.

- What's that about? - Fuck her.

Thinks she can demote me from me own club and expect me to dance to her tune?

No, thank you very much, sunshine. I made that place what it is, right?

And so help me God, I will turn up whenever the fuck I want to.

I think that is why that place is what it is, Tommo.

[mobile rings]

Fuck off!

- Tyler's birthday innit, yeah? - Hmm.

How old's he turning?

- Twelve, thirteen. - Really?

- Summat like that. - Oh.

Seven. He's seven-year-old.

He's turning eight.

I suppose you don't see him much any more do you, Dill?

It's funny, innit, how things change 'cause you used to be

with Erin and be Tyler's dad.

And now V-Vin is Tyler's dad and you ain't got anyone.

Yeah, what do you reckon, Cardi? Think I might've fucked me life up?

Yeah, but, you know, if it weren't for second chances,

Dill, we'd all be alone.

Got it! I've got Tyler's cake. Have they rang?

Defend that with your life. Got it?

- Yes. - Get the phones on, get 'em on Bluetooth.

- Dill, just check it is on... - Jesus Christ!

I just checked it two minutes ago when you asked me.

- It's fuckin' on. - Is it on silent?

It's not on fuckin' silent. Will you relax?

Fuck me, Francis really fucking puts you on edge, doesn't he?

He does, yeah, and I swear to God, I just…

I don't know what I do to get on his tits.

Since I 've been a little lad, he's always hated me, hasn't he?

- Hateful man. He hates everyone. - He's never liked me.

He's only ponying up for Doolan's ransom because my nan made him,

- like forced him to literally do it, like. - Hang on.

Maybe there's a way of making this worth our while.

- No. - Go on.

What I'm thinking is this.

We swap out the ransom money, we stake out the drop spot,

we follow the kidnappers, we rescue Doolan, of course,

and we keep the money for ourselves.

There's still enough to pay off the MacDonaghs

and we keep a cheeky four grand afterwards.

- How's about that? - We're not doing that!

Franny is a grade-A lunatic.

He's a nuclear weapon, he's just looking for a reason to go off.

There's no way on God's green earth I am piss-farting around with his dollar.

We are doing this by the book.

We are gonna go to them kidnappers, we are gonna drop that money off,

save Doolan, be bloody heroes and off we go

to Tyler's birthday party with his lovely cake.

- Grand. Thank you. - Thomas?

- Okay, fair enough then. - And we need fuel.

Right, you, are you gonna be a good lad and hang on in there?

- Yeah. Yeah. - Do you want anything?

No, I'm good. I'm cutting down actually.

Carol's got me on these diet pills.

I haven't had a poo in three days, so… [clicks tongue]

I don't think that's good though, Cardi, not pooing in three days.

I'll take that with me actually. Just remove temptation.

Dude, I am not going to eat Tyler's b-birthday cake.

It's important. Guard the ransom.

[farts] Oh.

["Cigarettes & Alcohol" playing]

[sniffs] Oh. Oh, no.

Oh, Christ.

If I were looking at doing a ransom drop-off,

I'd be thinking about here, Coldwell Caverns.

No, you need to think escape routes.

Coldwell Caverns is full of shitty back lanes, too easy to block.

They're going to be looking for access to escape onto a motorway

- where they can just disappear. - Or a helipad.

[Vinnie] What's that forest we used to piss around in?

- I wouldn't go in there for a minute. - Wilton fucking Forest!

There's loads of options there. Perfect for a ransom drop.

- That's a bridle path. - What, for weddings?

For horses, Cardi.

Oh, fuck, what are you doing here?

- What are you doing here? - I went for a poo.

- Oh, my God, the 20 grand. - Cardi!

[all clamouring and shouting]

["Honey Hush" playing]

♪ Well, come in this house Stop all that yakety-yak ♪

♪ Come on in this house Stop all that yakety-yak ♪

♪ 'Cause your sugar daddy Don't want no talkin' back ♪

♪ You keep on a-tellin' Talking 'bout this and that ♪

- [dog barks] - [Tommo] Jesus Christ!

[clamouring, barking continues]

- Give me the cake. - [barking dog approaching]

[overlapping shouting]

[Ash] Get up, will ya?

♪ Hi-ho, hi-ho silver away! ♪

[tyres screech]

Fucking farmers, shit! Motherfucker.

Oh. Hey. Hey. One job. One fucking job.

Oh, fuck me, it's ringing. Ringing. Ringing. Hello?

[distorted voice] Bring the money to Stenner Bluff in one hour.

Follow the path down from the visitor's car park.

Well, can we just… Can we just shove this bitch back by an hour?

It's dinnertime, innit? Me mate's got glands,

he's… low blood pressure stuff…

Be there with the money as instructed

or we burn the gypsy to death.

- Fuck. - [Ash] All good, yeah?

Not good, no. We need to get the money to them pronto

- or they are gonna burn Doolan to death. - Oh, for Jesus' sake, lads.

Right. We need a motor. Now. We need a motor now.

Come on then, think then!

- JJ! - Fucking JJ.

We want JJ. Boys, say it together.

[Vinnie] JJ!

Shit. Shit!

JJ! Oh, thank fuck!

JJ, we need a motor fucking pronto.

Why? I mean, what could you possibly need a motor for?

What the fuck does it matter, JJ?

Me Uncle Doolan's life is on the fucking line.

We lost the Rolls man, come on.

Oh, okay, well, y'know actually, don't worry about that because

- the client has now changed his mind. - JJ! We need a motor dude, now!

- I haven't got one. - What's that under there?

- Nothing. - What the fuck is that under there?

- You are up to some shit! - No.

- Get hold of it. - Vin. Vin. Vin! No, Vinnie!

- No! - Ha!

Fucking hell. Shit!

Motherfucker.

You better have a fucking good explanation for this, pally boy.

Just calm down, all right? Because this is not what it seems.

- Is it not? - Fucking bag's gone.

- What bag? - The bag

that was in the car when it got stolen!

- Where is it? - How's this ended up in here, JJ?

It doesn't make any fucking sense at all, this.

Unless, are you…

Are you seeing other car thieves?

What the fuck are you on about? That is fucking crazy. I'm off.

Crazy, is it? Explain yourself now.

Come on.

I wasn't looking for anyone else, all right? They came to me!

To begin with. These two fucking young joyriders.

They had this Fiat Uno and they wanted to know if I'd take it.

And I said I don't need it. I told them I had a guy that sorts me out.

But then they just offered it to me for next to nothing and…

- I don't know, maybe I was flattered. - Oh!

A few weeks went past and er… I saw them again.

- Fuck's sake. - Unbelievable.

- They were in an Audi A80 with alloys. - Whore.

I know I fucked up.

All right? But it was just meant to be, like, casual and easy.

Just a bit of fun. Like it used to be with us.

- Dude, we need to get going. - Son of a bitch.

I want fucking names, now!

What? No. I can't give names out.

My reputation'd be shot if I gave up my suppliers.

There fucking are others! That's it.

What are you doing? I am not even involved.

Get the cleaners in on Monday then, shall I?

- I'll fucking kill a fish. - Hey. Hey! Oi, Vin. Vin!

Don't you fucking touch my fish.

Put that in your mouth. Shit! Put that in your mouth!

Tommo. Don't you fucking touch that fish.

- Get it in your fucking mouth, come on! - You what?

Put the fish in your mouth.

If he doesn't give us any names, chomp the shit out of it.

- Can't, sweetheart, I'm allergic. - To goldfish?

- To seafood. - To fucking seafood, since when?

- Since birth. - Is that a thing?

- Yeah. Oh, yeah. - I had no idea.

- Put that in your mouth. - W-What's it taste like?

Like fucking doner meat. It's a fish, innit, you knobhead.

I warned you. I fucking warned you.

Have you just swallowed the whole fucking thing?

- [groans] - Yeah.

No. I can't help it. It's like chewing gum.

- It just goes straight down. - The fuck?

- I'll kill em all! Fucking take it! - [electricity crackles]

All right! All right, I'll tell you. I'll tell you, Vin! Vin!

[Vinnie] Right. It is going down like Chinatown.

We are getting that 20 grand back.

Dude! Hey! Who are these fellas, Vin?

Have you ever heard of them? What if they're tooled up?

We've got 23 minutes before they burn Doolan, man.

We haven't got time to think. Ashley, do the door.

- Get in here! - Who the fuck are you?

You fucking turd. You Kaden and Reece Williams, are yer?

Hey? You fucking are, you pair of twats.

That's mine, you motherfuckers.

Is this what they teach you at school is it? Dill. Mind the cake!

Is this what they teach you? Fucking robbing cars

and bloody nicking cash and that?

- Don't go fuckin' school. - Fucking mind your shagging language!

Hey, just fucking have some respect

for your bloody elders is what you should do.

- What for? - Because! We've been in wars for you, pal.

- What for? - To make you free.

- What for? - I'll tell you what for.

So, you can piss fart around on your Xbox, smoking fucking weed.

And plaiting your hair. All right?

What would your fucking mam have to say about all this?

- Mam? - [woman] What?

Some knobhead wants to know what you think about summat.

Who the fuck has done that to my door? Who is this lot?

- Is that your mam? - Mmm-hmm.

She's a fucking midget. Go ahead!

- Who are you? - I'll tell you who the fuck I am, madam.

I am a concerned, standing up…

Up-standing.

Fucking up-standing citizen who, just this morning,

had his motor vehicle misappropriated

by these two fuckwits here!

And I am telling you now,

they are on a one-track path to recidivism!

If they continue down this route and not change their ways.

Shut it, nonce.

What are you doing noncing round my kids for?

- Fucking receding hairline twat. - Oh, yer fucker.

You're a fucking receding hairline. Dill? Dill?

- £18,800. It's short by 1,200. - [gasps]

How the fuck have you spent 1,200 quid already?

- Oi, you fucker! Where's that fucking… - Bought summat off Paul the burglar.

What the fuck could've been worth 1,200 quid off that knobhead?

- Argh! - Oh, fuck me! Jesus, fuck!

Boa constrictor. 1,200 quid.

Wanker.

Why is it yellow, dude?

We're meant to be there now.

I fucking know. I'm doing me best.

What're we going to do about the missing cash?

Write 'em an IOU.

Fucking IOU, yeah, let's do that. Let's do that.

"Dear Mr Kidnapper, due to circumstances beyond

"our control, and some shite parenting locally, y'know,

"we've lost 1,200 quid."

Fuck me. I don't fucking know, dude.

- [mobile rings] - Oh shit. Hang on. Hang on.

- Hello? - Is that little shit Tommo with you?

He's deliberately trying to sabotage tonight, he's not handed out

any of the flyers I had made up. No, no, no, he's just dumped them

- in a bin. - Oh, he is a fucking nightmare.

I've been looking for him all morning. It's a terrible line this, Erin.

- [fakes breaking up] - Vin?

- Vinnie? Vin? - Fuck.

- Think she believed that? - Did she fuck. No. It was dog shit.

Oh shit she's ringing back. Shh.

Sorry Erin, I'm sorry, love, we are just in the middle

of something. But he is, he is a peevish little shit.

[distorted voice] Are you at the location?

Shit. Sorry, mate, could you just say that one more time.

We are on a bit of a bad line here.

Are. You. At. The. Location?

Am I there? Am I at the loca… Are you, are you at the location?

I am not seeing you here pal!

Do you see the boulder with a blue cross on it?

Do I see… the boulder with a blue… I can't just now…

I might be facing the wrong way here.

- So. I'll spin it... - You're not there, are you?

No. No. Two minutes away. Two fucking minutes.

- Listen to me... - [hangs up]

- Oh, shit. - Fuck!

That's it then lads, we've killed Doolan.

- Why? - I'm just saying what we're all thinking.

- What we gonna do now? - Ring Francis!

Fuck that. I ain't ringing Francis.

What the fuck else are we supposed to do then?

We'll take the money to the, to the boulder with the fucking X.

Fuck! I don't know! Ashley, I am sorry, love.

[Ash] We've got to do something. He's family.

- [phone ringing] - Oh, shush. Shush.

Hello?

You've got 20 minutes to leave the money behind the boulder

with a blue cross in the park.

If it is not there, the gypsy will burn.

Absolutely, mate. I will see you in a bit, yeah?

- "See you in a bit"? - What?

It seems like a funny thing to be saying to a fucking kidnapper.

Well… What the fu… Stop being predantic, you dickhead…

- Stop. It's "pedantic." - Pedantic…

- [snake hissing] - Fuck! Fuck!

How did it escape?

Oh, shit! I thought you'd put it in the boot.

Keep that thing away from me, dude, for fuck… Why isn't is in the boot?

Chill out. It won't do anything unless it's upset.

You chill out, dickhead, they eat things my size.

It's a boa constrictor, I seen one like it on YouTube the other day.

I don't give a fuck what breed it is, just get it off me.

[chaotic shouting, laughter]

[yells]

[tyres screech, crash]

Fuck!

- Fucking hell. - Shit.

Fuck, dude. You all right?

Yeah… you hit him round that corner.

[Vinnie] Who is it? Oh, fuck.

It's the MacDonaghs.

Come on, we are going to have to get out, boys. Fuck me.

You all right, Barry? Is that Davey as well?

- Vincent. - You all right?

How's your dad doing?

He's all right, thanks for asking. He's been drinking a bit like.

Nice Rolls.

Ta.

Saved us a trip to come and see you about this money you owed Gerry.

That's our debt now, you know.

And I will not mess you around on that one.

Y'know I had only just, just about an hour ago found out about that…

- Davey? - Shit.

- How much is here, sunshine? - 18,800.

Don't take it. Davey. Davey. Listen, we're on a life-or-death mission.

We really need that money, man.

We all do, Vincent. 18,800?

So that's 16 to cover Gerry's loss and then there's interest on top.

Interest? It's only been a day.

Interest at a grand a day, and then there's the damage to our vehicle

and our Barry's personal injury claim to take into consideration.

- What? - I'm gonna require significant recompense

for injuries sustained, both physical and emotional, in this crash.

We'll be in touch.

Oh. Oh, hey. Hey. I've got... I've got 1,200 quids worth of

boa constrictor, in fucking mint condition, lads.

No, you haven't. He's fucked off an'all.

Fuck, dude! Well, that's you, that is.

You were fucking terrified of it five minutes ago. You fucking...

Get out of it!

[Ash] Get in the car, will you?

Fuck sake, dude!

You had one fucking job to look after a snake. Fuck!

- Oi! - Where the fuck is he?

Where the fuck is he?

- Will this'un do? - Come on, just hurry up.

Dude, we're pushing it now, come on.

I fucking know, Dyldo. I'll get us there.

Why is that on fire? Shit.

- Cardi, get in the fucking car. - What took you so long?

I had to have a sandwich.

[Vinnie] Put the radio on.

We are going to be late now, what took you so long?

Couldn't find the walkie talkies.

Yeah? Fuck me, you found that though, didn't you?

- What? - A great big sandwich.

We're on a life or death mission where every second counts.

It's Tyler's birthday. A man's about to die.

And you stopped and made a butty.

Not… This was on the side, from yesterday.

You don't even believe that, Cardi.

Looks full but it feels like there's nothing in it.

- It weighs fuck all. - How much would 20 grand weigh?

A 20-pound note weighs one gram, so fucking… Two kilos?

- That sounds about right. - We need to put more in this then.

Right, a full one of those will be two kilos.

What? No. Hey, Dyldo.

- Don't weigh it down with piss, dude! - Have you got a better idea?

- Use a fucking book or summat. - Have you got a book?

No.

- Just give me two seconds. - [urine trickling]

I'm ready to go.

- Are you circumcised? - Yeah.

It might just be a splutter 'cause I don't need to go proper.

- Oh, Jesus, the size of his penis. - Awful, innit?

That's all I have there now. Go on, Tom.

- Do you mind not bumping round so much? - What do you want me to fucking do,

get us there on time or gentle? Y'know what I mean?

Fuck my life. Right, there you go, that's it. That's all you got.

Careful, Cardi, now, 'cause that's almost full.

Well, pour some out then before he starts.

- I've started now. - He's started now.

You better start pulling up, Cardi.

- It's going to overrun, Cardi. - I can't stop.

Oh, speed bump!

Argh. You splashed piss on me, you prick.

The bottle's heavy, can you hold it?

I'm not touching it, there's piss all over it!

I can't… The bottle…

- I've got piss on me hands. - [Cardi] It's really slippery.

- [Ash] Grab it. - [all yelling]

Oh, fuck. Protect that cake dude. Fuck!

It's in my eyes. I've got your fucking piss in my eyes.

I just got a gob full, Cardi.

Four minutes to go and we're at least eight minutes away.

I've got other people's piss all over me fucking trousers!

What the fuck is he doing now?

Me pants are fucking… Ah, shit, me fucking pants! Me pants have gone.

Vin, turn round. Turn round, Vin, me pants!

Right, is everyone in position and receiving? Over.

- I'm standing here by the massive statue. - [overlapping voices]

- Oh, God. - Lads, stop talking at the same time

and say "over" when you're finished. Over.

Ashley, are you in position and receiving. Over.

Receiving. Receiving. Over.

Thomas, are you in position and receiving? Over.

Everything tickety-boo, over.

For fuck's sake, Tom.

Fuck, mate, I am sitting having a fag.

I'm blending in, aren't I? That's what people do.

- Useless dickhead. - You didn't say "over." Over.

Cardi, are you in position and receiving, over.

Where the fuck…

Cardi, are you in posit… Where the fuck's he now?

I don't believe this. He's over near the fucking ice cream truck. Over.

Look at him, fucking hell. He's not even got his radio on.

Listen, can none of you pay attention longer than five bleeding minutes, lads?

Hey. Hey. Quiet. Vehicle approaching the drop-off from the west. Over.

Ooh… Which way's west, over?

No, never mind. False alarm.

- They turned off. Over. - Oh, fuck.

You're supposed to say "over". Over.

Look! Squirrel! Squirrel! Look!

Calm down, will you, there are squirrels all over the fucking place.

I mean, have we just given up saying "over" then have we? Over.

Fucking. Giant. Squirrel. Over.

What the fuck are you talking about? Ooh. Ooh.

Holy fucking shit, where the hell did he come from?

Jesus H Christ, I see him.

You are fucking getting on me tits.

There is no such thing as giant squirrels. Ooof!

He's got it. He's fucking got it.

Fucking stop that squirrel.

Oh, fucker! Fuck!

[indistinct yelling]

Get the squirrel! [continues indistinctly]

[Vinnie] Shit! Get in the car!

- [car engine starts] - [yelling]

[tyres screech]

[crash]

Fuck you, squirrel! Fuck!

[mobile ringing]

You not answering that?

No.

Is it Francis?

- Yeah. - Yeah.

Y'know there's a chance they might not actually, like, really kill Doolan?

Are you fucking mad?

We've just sent his kidnappers two litres of dehydrated piss.

I think they are going to be fuming, taking it out on poor Doolan right now.

Poor sod'll be burnt to crisp by now, won't he? Crispy Gypsy.

- Fuck's sake, Tommo. - What is your problem, sunshine?

I am just saying what we're all thinking, aren't I?

I remember when, er, Doolan got engaged to Lorraine Hennessy,

two weeks after he'd got engaged to Sharon Hennessy.

He had a set of bollocks on him, didn't he?

"I'll have a double Hennessy, please."

He was a hopeless romantic. He just fell in love too easy was all.

That lad fucking loved getting engaged.

Unbelievable parties.

We could just like, ask him where he has taken the money.

Lord Fire… Who?

- The squirrel. - And how the fuck are we gonna do that?

We could pop down to the takeaway, y'know, and ask,

"'Where did you take the money?"

["Take Some… Leave Some" playing]

♪ Can't be greedy… ♪

Christ, Cardi, you pick your moments to be useful you, don't ya?

Here we go.

Go on, Ashley.

- Please, God, take it! - Shut the fuck up, dude.

Where's Doo…

Take that thing off, it's weird.

Look at me. Fucking squirrel, where's Doolan?

- Who? - [grunts]

- Doolan! - Do what? I don't…

Not fucking "do what" or "doo wap."

Doolan! I know you fucking kidnapped him.

I saw you take the bag. Fucking squirrel.

- What? - Yeah.

No. Some hillbilly said he'd give us 100 quid

if I went and picked it up for him.

I'm sorry, we've been a bit rough with you.

He is a sweet lad. Just a squirrel. All right. Sweetheart, listen to me.

Listen to me now. Settle down. What did the hillbilly look like?

I never seen his face, he just calls in orders

and tells us to leave food at the gate to his fucking creepy

- hillbilly place out past Joshi's Moor. - Joshi's Moor.

Good lad. Right. Where the fuck is Joshi's Moor? Is it Yoshi's?

- [Dylan] Yoshi's… - [Vinnie] What did he say? Yoshi's Moor?

Come on, let's go and save Ashley's uncle.

Get in the fucking car.

Oh, dude, it smells like bacon.

No, no, no, no. Barbecue chicken.

Reckon that's Doolan that, lads. Human flesh.

Oh, fuck…

That looks like… Yeah, that looks like a human limb sticking

- out of a barrel, lads. - Fuck's sake.

Poor Doolan. They've barbecued the bastard.

Just call Francis, let him deal with this.

I can't, dude. I can't call Francis

and tell him we lost his 20 grand twice,

- and killed his fucking brother? - Fuckin kill him, Dill.

- Me? It wasn't just my fault. - Yeah, but,

for all intents and purposes,

Francis detailed the responsibility to you,

so… In't that right, Ash?

I'm going in, lads. No one messes with my family!

Ashley. Ashley. Fucking hang on a minute… Ash. Ash. Ash.

Ash… Hang on. Hang on. Hang on. Get down. Get down.

Tommy, stay here with that fucker. Behave yourselves.

You're coming with me. Shit. Shit. Get down, get down.

You're coming with me. Come on.

Go ahead, Ash.

[muttering indistinctly]

- [Ash] Ya fuck, ya! - [Dylan] Oh!

- [toilet flushes] - Fuck.

[Vinnie] Yeah, fuck.

- [shouting] - Got ya!

[clattering]

We need him to talk though, dude. We need him to be able to talk,

don't knock him out.

Dude, I think you are knocking him out. Ashley…

- Where is he? - [Vinnie] Oh, shit!

- Cardi! Cardi! - I've got it!

- Where's Doolan? Where is he? - I don't know, lads.

[Vinnie] Where is he?

Lads. Lads. Leave me alone. Leave me alone. It's me, lads.

Stop hitting me, will yer? Please, God, it's me…

Jesus. Doolan, are you alive, are you?

I'm fucking alive. Now would you just stop fucking hitting me.

Shut the fuck up. You terrible bellend, Doolan.

I am not a fucking… Are you going bald?

- Yeah. - You need to watch that now.

Oh, shut your mouth, Doolan. Make a fucking brew, dude.

- What's the deal? - Get me up.

Here, wear that.

Cheers, dude. What is that, erm, thing?

That's a collagen-activating face mask.

Invented by top scientists in North Korea.

- I paid 300 quid for that. - Oh, right.

Worth every penny. Look at that, not a blemish.

Are you fucking mad? Wittering on. Collagen face masks.

For God's sake, let's get to the pressing matter at hand.

Why the fuck have you done any of this, man?

Why couldn't you just ask Franny for the money?

It's half my business, too, but Francis has been skimming from it for years.

If we're equal partners, how is it that he can afford

a £60,000 Mercedes and I still don't have a pot to piss in, right?

This was the only thing I could think of to try and get some

- of that money back off him. - I mean, yeah, but be that as it may,

you've put us in a fucking awkward predicament here.

I'm going to have to tell Franny, otherwise it's me in the shit.

Will you be telling him about getting the ransom nicked off of you twice

or that you paid off the MacDonagh goons with his cash?

How the fuck do you know about that?

- I have my sources. - Fucker!

Ashley, clip him round the fucking head.

Right, what say this. If you can keep your mouth shut,

you can have half that ransom.

Vin, we don't have the ransom any more.

I know we don't have the fucking ransom, dude!

I know that. We're going to owe it yer.

I'll get it yer as soon as, 10 grand, coming your way.

- How's that? - Good man. Good man.

I'll bleeding well… I'll drink to that.

I'll drink to that!

- I've got just the thing here. - Oh, perfect.

Good catch.

Get a good fucking swig of that now.

We'll have a good night tonight, huh?

- That's a lot, in't it? - [all laughing hysterically]

Oh, you fecking bastards. Is that piss?

It is, yeah. We all had a piss.

- [Doolan] Is that piss? - [laughter]

- [all] No. No. No. No! - [retches]

["Move On Up" playing]

♪ And don't you cry ♪

[people cheering]

♪ Your folks might understand you ♪

♪ By and by ♪

♪ Just move on up ♪

♪ Toward your destination ♪

♪ Though you may find From time to time ♪

♪ Complication ♪

♪ Bite your lip ♪

♪ And take a trip ♪

♪ Though there may be… ♪

- Hey! - Ay!

♪ Just move on up ♪

♪ For peace you will find ♪

♪ Into the steeple of beautiful people ♪

♪ Where there's only one kind ♪

♪ So hush now, child ♪

♪ And don't you cry ♪

♪ Your folks might understand you ♪

♪ By and by ♪

♪ Just move on up ♪

♪ To a greater day… ♪

[Dylan] We're covered in cake. Shall we sack it off?

[Tommo] Come on, boys, the night is young.

I don't care who you think you are, you're not in costume,

you look like you've been rolling in shit and you stink of piss.

- You're not coming in. - Gez, stop shouting.

Gez. Let me get a fucking word in.

Shall we just call Erin and see? Because I don't think Tommo can get us in.

Listen, sweetheart, I don't care what Erin has been telling you,

but I am the co-manager of this here enterprise.

So don't mess with me, pal, because I am your fucking boss.

I swear I didn't, man! No, I did. Oi. Hey.

Hey. Hey. Hey. Hang fucking fire a minute, pal.

I don't have a boss, and I've never fucking heard of you.

So why don't you fuck the fuck off before you get hurt, all right?

[Vinnie] Let me just… For fuck's sake.

- Hold me back. - What?

Hold me back.

Settle down. Gerry, let me get a word in.

- Fucking let me at him! I see you, mate. - Leave him. He's not worth it.

Leave it, Tommo, he doesn't realise who he's messing with.

- No one disrespects me on my own turf. - I did not do that, dude.

You sleep with one eye open. 'Cause I don't forgive or forget.

- Tommy! - [screams]

Shush! Leave that fucking man alone. Jesus Christ.

Gerry, listen to me. I wouldn't do that.

On me deathbed, I wouldn't do summat… For fuck sake.

What?

Davey MacDonagh's just been nicked spending snide notes.

Francis used counterfeit bills to pay his brother's ransom?

Yes! For fuck's sake. And now it is my shagging problem.

Don't storm off, Tom. Let's get to the Rolls.

Get in the fucking van. Whatever vehicle it is.

So does that mean we still owe the MacDonaghs 16 grand

- and all that other stuff? - Yeah, it does, yeah.

Christ… And they are very bad men.

And we are in trouble with them

- because Davey got arrested. - Yes.

It's a shame really that that boa constrictor weren't the one

that got nicked from that private zoo in Hepton last weekend.

- What? - Yeah, Carol told me about it.

They're offering a massive reward.

- [tyres screech] - [Vinnie] Shit. Where did you last see it?

Fucking hell.

[Dylan] Oh, fuck. Are you all right?

For fuck's sake. Oi!

What are you doing, you?

Fuck over here and give us a hand looking for this snake, dude.

Get to fuck. I am not dicking about in a field

with a massive snake on t'loose. I am too vulnerable.

[Ash] He's no use, anyway. [laughs]

[Dylan] We could use him as bait.

- [laughter] - Fucking bellends.

Oi. Listen, Cardi, sweetheart, did it not occur to you

that it might be a bit of a fucking coincidence,

we've just acquired a boa constrictor from Paul the burglar,

and there's a really fucking valuable one gone missing

up the way, dude?

Oh, yeah. No, it did. But I'm usually wrong.

[Dylan whispering] Fuck. Vinnie. Vinnie.

- [Vinnie] Cardi. Cardi. Cardi… - [chuckling]

- What are you laughing at? - Just stay where you are

- 'cause you look really fucking cool. - What?

Just try and give us a smile as well. Go on.

You look well up against that car, I reckon.

Tommo. Tommo. Stop throwing a hissy fit.

D'you know what, I have had a fucking enough of you lot.

There is no need for all that v-venom.

Tell you what, dickhead. Go have a look for your snake.

Go and have a look for your lickle boa constrictor.

- What! - [camera clicking]

I hear you're a man that can get things done.

Thwarted at the first hurdle.

There's no way we're nicking them cars.

- Hardwick. - I just need that touch.

You there. Young man.

The feel of a woman.

It's my posh voice, adds a touch of class.

I just love the cars and I want them back.

Right, boys, we're on. Let's go.

Wine her, dine her…

- Then fuck her brains out. - What?

- You're after his cars aren't you? - No…

Absolutely.

[screams]

It's intense.

["So Much Trouble In My Mind" playing]

♪ I got so much trouble in my mind ♪

♪ I got so much trouble in my mind ♪

♪ I got so much trouble in my mind ♪

♪ I got so much trouble in my mind ♪

♪ Give me the strength to carry on ♪

♪ Give me the strength… ♪