Original subtitles

[Vinnie and Tyler singing] ♪ There was An old lady who swallowed a fly ♪

♪ I don't know why she swallowed a fly ♪

♪ Perhaps she'll die ♪

♪ There was an old lady Who swallowed a spider ♪

- ♪ That wriggled and jiggled ♪ - ♪ And tickled inside her ♪

[chuckles] ♪ She… ♪

♪ Swallowed the spider to catch the fly ♪

♪ I don't know why she swallowed a fly ♪

[both] ♪ Perhaps she'll die… ♪

["Rockaway Beach" playing]

♪ Chewin' out a rhythm on my bubble-gum ♪

♪ The sun is out and I want some ♪

♪ It's not hard, not far to reach… ♪

Whoa, whoa! Let's have you.

Why's he got a boat?

[Vinnie] I have no idea why. That's the thing with Chinese Dan.

You never know what he's got. Come on!

- Check this out. - [buzzes]

A great thick idiot will magically appear at the door.

- Hello. - You all right, Calvin?

I've got some gear for Chinese Dan in van…

Your mate not with you? Small one, flamboyant shirt?

[Vinnie] Do you see him, Calvin?

No. So he's not here?

He's not here. No, he's not here.

Tell him, go get Chinese Dan.

- Get Chinese Dan. - Go get Chinese Dan!

- Wait there. - Oh, we'll wait there.

This isn't even bloody locked, dude.

[Chinese Dan] Bloody hellfire.

- Dear, dear… - Never mind dear, dear!

- Them's some good treads them, Dan. - Jesus Christ…

He's not Chinese.

No. It's… It's a nickname.

[Chinese Dan] Are these knock-off?

[Vinnie] Yeah, ish. What's with t'boat, man?

What? You want it?

Can't shift the bloody thing! Sick of the sight.

[Vinnie] I've no use for a boat.

Why did you bring it up?

- 'Cause I was bloody curious! - Curious?

Does it look like I've got time for curious?

I don't buy stolen goods, Vinnie.

Never. I'm an honest businessman.

- That's just complete bollocks. - But, as a favour to you,

I'll take them off your hands for half price.

Half normal price? You penis! Listen to him.

Tell him he's a penis. He's bloody…

- [phone ringing] - screwing me, ain't he!

- You're a penis and you're screwing him. - A penis? That hurts!

- [Tyler] Screwing him double time. - What's going on?

It's me mum, Vinnie! [sobbing]

She's gone! She's dead, Vinnie.

- How come you're calling me a penis? - Oh, shit! Shit! Oi!

Go and get in that bloody van.

Do your fly up! Your shirt's sticking out of it.

Bring your mate next time.

[Vinnie] I will do. Sod off, Calvin!

[tyres screeching]

["Money" playing]

♪ That's what I want ♪

[tyres screeching]

- ♪ That's what I want ♪ - ♪ That's what I want ♪

Who is he?

He's me mate, he sounds like Orville.

Who's Orville?

Green duck, wore a nappy, sat on an old bloke's knee.

And when I were your age,

weirdly, that were entertainment.

Giddy, come on, love!

- Oh, Vinnie, I've run out of tea bags. - It's all right.

And Mum always said to make a pot of tea…

- It's all right, we'll get you some. - [sobbing]

We'll get you some tea bags.

- Listen to me. Oi. - She's gone.

When did she pass away?

Erm… about five minutes ago.

Christ.

- [Gideon] I rang you straight away. - Is she, er…

- Yeah. - Still up there? Yeah, all right.

Oh! Your friend's very little.

Well, he's seven, in't he?

- Oh. - He's a child.

Oh, I thought he was just small.

My cousin O'Sheen's that size and he's 42.

It's a genetic disorder.

Something to do with the soil composition

- in the West of Ireland. [sobbing] - [Vinnie] Christ.

Wanna see the creepy house?

- Yeah. - Get in there!

Who are all these?

These are dead folks, all these, love.

- Really? - Yeah.

- Even him? - Ooh. He's new!

Giddy, sweetheart.

- Who's that? - Oh yeah, erm…

He got his foot infected on holiday in Beaverlick.

- Beaverlick? - Yeah, it's, erm… [sighs]

where they make the chicken. What's it called? Eh… Kentucky.

Oh, that's not a thing dude. Not even slightly.

- Tyler? - [Tyler] Yeah?

What do you want to do? Do you wanna stay here,

or do you want to check out Gideon's dead mum?

Will she look asleep?

Oh, yes, she's still warm!

That's a really weird thing to say.

Do you wanna stay here?

What do you want to do?

- I'll go in. - Ah!

Sickness and diarrhoea!

You're so brave, dude.

Let's have a look at her… Oh, Christ!

- Sat up. - Oh, I did that.

[Vinnie] Why is she holding a brew?

One last cuppa together.

But you've no tea bags, have ya?

Well, no… There's no tea in it, Vinnie.

There's no point, she's dead!

[sighs] Just get her ankles, will ya?

Let's lie her down. All right.

- Mum, it's just Vinnie and Tyler. - Some mime tea there.

[Tyler slurping]

[lips smacking] It's all right, sweetheart.

Inappropriately going under the covers to just…

- [cat miaowing] - Oh, fuck! [grunts]

Fuck! Fuck me, man. Why is the cat…

- One last stroke of Mr Mittens. - Did he die too?

Ages ago. [sighs]

We're gonna need an undertaker, y'know?

Do you know an undertaker?

I'm seven.

[bell pinging]

[pinging]

- Once! - [women yelp]

It's not ping-ping fuckin' ping! Not a children's toy!

People see a bell and they're fuckin' three again! They regress.

Would you like a fuckin' rusk in your mouth?

- Are you wearing a fuckin' nappy? No! - You don't have rusks at three.

I wouldn't know, 'cause I don't have children, do I?

Nor do I want any baldy dribbling fucks. What do you want?

- Vinnie sent us. - [Gary sighs] What now?

- Well, somebody's sort of dead. - Yeah.

Ah, for fuck's… I'm having me lunch!

You can tell him, I'm not doing anything

until I've finished me rarebit.

- That's cheese on toast. - [yells] It's fucking rarebit!

It's cheese on toast.

- [bell pinging] - [Gary] Sluts!

[Tommo yelps]

Avoiding us, Tommo?

Aw, girls, girls…

Hey, why would I be avoiding you, eh?

You owe us two months' pay.

- We want our money. - A-ha. Girls, look,

you've got it all wrong, haven't yer?

The reason I was popping in there,

is to get you your money.

Yeah. So, if you'll just let me go, for one second…

See? Not bad, in't it, eh?

Help me!

- Get him! - Rape!

[frantic music playing]

- [woman] Get him! - [all yelling]

- Ah! - What the fuck?

- Where's Tommo after going? - [Tommo] Help!

Tommo, get in the back!

Get off the road, Tommo! Hurry on!

- Where's our money? - What's wrong with you?

[screaming]

[Erin] What have you done to those girls?

I will kill you if it's got anything to do with the club, Tommo!

[Tommo grunts]

[all grunting]

Why don't you just pay 'em?

Yeah, great question, co-assistant Manager.

Why don't I just pay 'em? Because I haven't got any fucking money!

[Gary] Move.

Aside from a few thousand ecstasy tablets, which I can't shift

because Carl Slater's breathing down me fuckin' neck,

I've got zero collateral.

I'll take a pill off you.

- One pill? - Well, all right, two, so.

I'll get one for Cardi.

Right. Hallelujah! All me cash flow problems are sorted.

[Carol] Do you want the sale or not?

[solemn music playing]

Hello?

She has to be buried. Sh-She hated fire.

Even on holiday, she'd lie under a towel.

Calm down a bit.

We got some funny looks in Turin.

She loved hymns! "All Things Bright and Beautiful."

And the one about the shell suit, how did that go?

[ululating]

♪ Yer nana in a shell suit ♪

"Ding Dong Merrily on High!"

"Hosanna in excelsis." Not your nana in a shell suit.

- I don't think it matters though, does it? - Matters to Gloria Hosanna.

She's hailed for her glory to God, not '80s attire!

Isn't that a Christmas song?

It is… Well, yeah, it is a Christmas song. Do you want it?

Yes, please. I'd like that, "All Things Bright and Beautiful,"

- and "Living in a Box." - Giddy?

Calm yourself a little bit now.

- Sorry. I'm upset, Vinnie. - [Vinnie] It's all right.

Go and make a cup of tea. Just calm down a little bit.

- [Gideon] Is that the tea bags? - Yeah.

Go and sort that out. Do you wanna go help Giddy?

- Okay. - What a good lad.

I promised his mam, I'd take care of him once she'd passed.

He's like a little lad! He's never done anything for himself.

If you're looking for a free funeral, go fuck yourself.

- No way, nada, nein, nicht. - Stop fucking being German.

- What about mate's rates? - What mate?

Me, you dickhead!

Oh, let me think about that for a second. Eh, no!

His fuckin' mum's died! He's got nothing and no one.

She's the only person that ever cared for him.

- Have you seen the price of coffins? - Fuck, you're horrible.

- Tight that. - Shocking.

- Really mean. - Oh, that's right!

Guilt trip me. It's all my fault!

I've got cystitis and a bunion on my foot

but you don't see anyone crying for me!

They are painful.

- Which? - Both.

I know none of you know him. All right? I get it.

But I fucking do.

I care about him. I feel responsible for him.

Help me or don't help me, I'm burying his mam with dignity.

- Oh, for God's sake! Fine, fine! - Fuck me…

Let me tell you what I can do.

There was a couple in last week, the Kennerleys.

- Brian and Maureen. - [pinging]

[Gary yells] Christ! Once! Ping-ping fuckin' ping…

Let me tell you, this pair

won "Cunt Couple of the Year" five years running.

Is that a thing?

We need… gold.

Gold trim, gold handles

and mahogany.

The finest mahogany known to humanity.

Oi! Are you listening?

Yes, I'm listening.

It's the eye.

Looks like you're not listening.

It gives me the creeps.

He was looking at me, Brian was, going on about the eye,

pointing it out, all morning!

- It's not funny! - It's not.

Calling me Gar-eye by the end, asking me to do things.

"Do this, Gar-eye. Do that, Gar-eye!"

Raging I was with him! Raging!

Anyway, it went on till we buried his mother bitch in the ground.

- And I'm not a spiteful man. - Oh, fuck off! You're horrible.

- You're a horrible man. - All right, I'm a little bit spiteful,

but they were rude, Vin! Hurtful!

[sniffling] And that coffin is too good

for any cunt that pushed that cunt out of her cunt!

Tea's up, everybody.

Oh, brilliant!

Fuck me.

[upbeat music playing]

[speaking indistinctly]

- Hurry the fuck up. - I'm finishing.

Ow!

[Carol] All sorted. No one's getting in now.

[Vinnie] I tell you, I'm just feeling a bit anxious about all of this.

I've just been in the nick for "preventing a lawful burial"

and now I'm pissing about in here with Beth…

God, she looks boring, doesn't she?

It's Gideon that's in need of the coffin.

I'm just asking…

Is there not another way, is all I am saying?

What are you talking about?

You want a coffin, I want revenge.

- It's win-win. - Oh!

All right, but I just wanna say a few words.

- Some dignity before she goes in the oven. - She's dead. She's had her words.

F-For fuck's sake, Gary, you maniac!

You're desensitised, you!

Do you know all that, these are all people?

They were children. All of them, at some stage.

She was cradled in her mother's arms...

And now she's dead, in the ground. Dig the fuckin' earth!

[excavator clunking]

It's funny being dead, in't it?

All that shit everyone worries about,

"Oh no, I've missed me deadline!"

Oh no, I've hurt their feelings!"

"Oh, no, I've been to visit my elderly neighbour,

"and ended up raw doggin' her in front of Countdown."

When you're down there, none of it fuckin' matters.

- [loud thud] - Whoa, whoa, whoa!

You'll damage the coffin!

Let's get in and do the rest by hand.

Go on, Ashley! Get in there, love.

Go on, Dyldo.

There we go, lad.

["Border Girl" playing]

Yeah, mind! Mind!

- [panting] - Have I told you I've taken up magic?

No, but now is the perfect time.

[Cardi] I've been learning it on YouTube.

Magic her alive, maybe she could dig herself out.

Oh, d'you know, I'm getting pretty good. Carol reckons I could earn a living at it.

Could you shut the fuck up about magic?

I think we're there now. Hey, just pull top layer off. Come on.

[all grunting]

[Tommo] Looks good!

[Vinnie] That's a beauty. Look at that!

Right, shift! I'm gonna lift off the lid.

What? Open the lid?

Why are you talking about lifting the lid for?

To get her out. Was I unclear about that?

- [clamouring] - Yeah, you fuckin' were!

How do you think we're gonna get a giant coffin out of a tiny hole?

You have to upend and push!

You wouldn't move a chest of drawers

- with the contents inside, would ya? - Fair point.

[JJ] No flipping way, mate. Count me out.

It's disgusting! It's bloody immoral and it's degrading!

By the way, to get my own back,

I buried her in tights and suspenders.

[all exclaiming in disgust]

- [coughing] - [Vinnie] For fuck's sake, Gary.

Is it just me or is that still quite erotic?

- Fuck off! - Hang about!

- I'm in touch with my experimental side. - Can we just get on with this?

[Cardi] Dude, I'm gonna fuckin' puke.

One of you needs to climb up and help us at the top.

- [Cardi] I'll go. - That's a bad choice.

Right, one, two, three…

[Vinnie] Careful, lads. C-Careful!

[Tommo] I'm not sure I've got him…

- [frantic music playing] - [all clamouring]

You have crushed her entire body!

Dude, I think one of her boobs just popped!

Oh, Cardi…

That is a fucking nightmare, man!

She's fucking stiff!

She's not the only one.

You get out.

[yells] Now!

[rueful music playing]

[Vinnie] Take her shoes off.

No, she had the most disgusting trotters I have ever seen.

Right. There you go.

Go ahead, say your words.

- Like that? - No.

- It is like that, dickhead. - It's not.

It is like that!

Go on, say your words.

Beth, listen, love…

[exhales] I'm sure…

…that when you were on this earth, you were a good…

mother and good wife… What are you doing, you dickhead?

- Why've you done that? - Why don't we have a brew?

I haven't finished what I was saying! Gary, you've ruined…

I'm sorry… [muffled] …for nicking yer coffin, love. For fuck's sake…

♪ Shakedown ♪

♪ Dreams walking in broad daylight… ♪

- Don't you want the rest of it? - No, I'll pass.

[Vinnie] Giddy!

Pick a card. Any card.

- [Ash] Okay. - Got one?

- Right, don't show me. - Yeah, Okay.

Put it back. Any way, anywhere you like.

- Okay. - Back in?

- It's back in there. - Right, Okay.

All right, just… Now, just…

On three, just snap your fingers near the deck.

All right?

One, two…

- Three! - Whoa!

Is that your card, six of diamonds?

Yes, ah…

- Magician! - [Ash] That's a… That's a class act.

And for my next trick…

- Get outta the way! - Aww! Magic!

Vinnie, I… I think I look plump in this suit.

Yeah, I mean, yeah, you look plump in fuckin' everythin' don't you?

You're plump! [chuckles]

I think it's cool, man.

Very sharp.

Come here, sweetheart. Put that on. It's bloody freezin'.

- Thanks. - There's a good lad.

Y-You're a good friend, Vinnie.

Thank you.

What are you thanking me for? Of course I'm your friend!

I told your mum I'd look after you. That's exactly what I'm gonna do.

Well, you're a credit to your mum. Sh-She brought you up well.

Maybe.

Boys need their mums, don't they? That's what my mum used to say.

Yeah?

I reckon you're definitely right with that one, Giddy. Christ.

[Cardi] Ow, ow, ow!

Oh, you fuckers!

Hey!

[Cardi] Dude, I'm sorry! I said I am fucking sorry!

Ash, stop it. Stop. Stop! The pair of ya.

What the fuck's going on?

He handcuffed us together.

What've you done that for?

- Magic! - Fucking magic?

- He's swallowed the key. - Have ya?

[sighs] I was supposed to hold it under my tongue.

- Have you got a spare one? - Not on me.

Why do you keep saying "not on me"? You don't have a spare one!

- You either have one or you don't! - Stop it!

Stop it. Christ.

Listen, you have to fucking go. It's a funeral!

You look like you're on day release, lads.

Behave yourselves!

Hey.

We will. It was my favourite trick as well.

You've upset him there. You have bloody upset him.

- Dylan! - What?

Why are you letting them do magic?

Do you know what I mean?

[Dylan] It's always my fault, in't it?

["Try A Little Tenderness" playing]

♪ Oh, she may be weary ♪

[shouting] Mum! Mum!

♪ And them young girls, They sure get weary ♪

♪ Wearing that same old ♪

♪ Raggedy dress, yeah ♪

♪ But when they get weary ♪

♪ Try a little tenderness ♪

[imperceptible]

♪ Tell you, might not believe it, but ♪

♪ You know she's waiting ♪

♪ Just anticipating… ♪

[all] ♪ All things bright and beautiful ♪

♪ All creatures great and small ♪

♪ All things wise and wonderful ♪

♪ The Lord God made them all ♪

[Vinnie] Giddy, give us a song!

♪ The Lord is always listening ♪

♪ To give us what we need ♪

♪ Like when I've run out of tea bags ♪

♪ And Vinnie needs some weed ♪

[all cheering]

Okay, this is the, er, the main bar area.

And at the back there is the staff quarters.

["Oh I Miss Her So" playing]

[sighs]

♪ My honey likes the sunshine… ♪

Er, these… these are the numbers

from the books this year so far.

As you can see, obviously, 'cause of the current climate…

[priestess] We commit Gideon's mum to the ground.

Earth to earth.

Ashes to ashes.

Dust to dust.

Bye, Mum. [sobbing]

- [rock thuds] - Jesus, Cardi.

D'you think I made it worse?

[Cardi] Hit it in the middle of the plastic bit.

Never pay to have it sucked again. AutoBlow 2, Titan edition.

Me mum's just died.

You'll need it all the more, won't ya?

Motty, will you fuck off with your blow job machine?

Fucking Autoblow 2. Have you improved it on the last one?

- Well, the first one snagged, didn't it? - You're never gonna sell that, love.

Thanks for all this, Vinnie. Eh, can I buy you a drink?

- Nah, you don't have to do that. - Oh, please. I-I insist.

Sod it. Go on then.

- Pint of lager. - Eh, pint of lager please, Dylan,

and whatever you're having, mate.

Where is me wallet now?

Oh, there's so many pockets in here.

- Can I give you a hand there? - [giggling] Vinnie!

- It'll be down here! - [giggling]

Vinnie, that's rude!

[chortling]

Oh, Vinnie. That…

That's Mum's handwriting.

- Is it? - Yeah.

Yeah? Well, that might be a bloody note!

What does it say? What does she mean?

Chill out, let's have a look.

Oh, looksee…

- "For when I'm gone…" - [gasps]

Vinnie, do you think she wrote it from beyond the grave?

Do I bloody hell, you lunatic.

She's wrote you a little letter,

and snuck it in there so you'd find it once she's passed away.

Ah, that makes more sense.

- It does, don't it? - Yeah.

- There you go then... - Oh, no. Can you open it?

Oh, Giddy, love, it's… I don't know about that.

Oh please, Vinnie. I'm dead nervous. Please.

- Are you sure? - Yes.

- Yeah? - Yes.

All right then. Let's just get it over and done with.

- Oh! Lovely handwriting! Look at that! - Yeah.

Funeral instructions? Oh, no! What have we forgotten? It...

It's all right. It's all right. Sweetheart, it's all right.

I bet there's not a thing on this list we haven't covered.

- We've had a lovely day, haven't we? - Magic, yeah.

- Yep. Yeah. - Uh-huh.

- [Gideon] Yeah. Yeah… - [Vinnie] Mmm-hmm.

[Gideon] Yep…

- Buried at sea? - Fuck!

[Vinnie] Cardi swallowed the key. We don't have a spare.

Let me get this straight. You don't want to buy it?

I don't wanna buy it. I wana borrow it!

- Borrow? - Yeah.

You mean rent?

No, I don't mean fucking rent!

I want to borrow it, for a sea burial.

Our mate's mam's died!

No one's making any money on this.

W-We're just doing it out of the goodness of our hearts.

Goodness of your hearts?

Let me tell you, I once signed up to a charity once.

What happened? Same day, crashed me car

and got laryngitis!

And that were it.

I got out of the nice game.

[Cardi] How come you've got so many keys, anyway?

I unlock lots of things.

Like what?

Doors…

hearts…

[Vinnie] Look, you said yourself,

you're sick of the fuckin' sight of it!

We only need it for a couple of days, man.

Come on.

- Couple of days? - Yeah.

Let me see.

Yes…

- or no? - Dick.

Yes…

or no?

- Yes. - Yeah?

- On one condition. - Go on.

You don't bring it back.

- You what? - [Chinese Dan] You heard!

You take it, you sail it away,

you drop off your dead person…

and I never see it again.

Fuck me, you are hard work. Insured, is it? Eh?

Yes, as a matter of fact, it is, yeah.

But I resent the accusation.

I fuck… I hate you, Dan.

- I know. - You're horrible.

Link the fucking thing up.

Calvin, no worries but…

Oh, here, maybe take a laxative.

Poop the key out.

You might as well get your mates to handcuff us together.

Fucking hell, mate! Harassment, that is.

- #MeToo, pal. - [Vinnie] Tommo, stop flirting!

Get in the fucking van dude, we've gotta get laxatives!

[Tommo] Christ, he's a dickhead.

[puffing]

All this Gideon stuff,

it's got me thinkin' about me mum a lot.

Y'know?

Why the fuckin' hell do you just leave your child?

I mean, let's just…

If we gave her the benefit of the doubt for a sec, and just say

that me dad was fucking useless, which he would have been,

and she needed some space, that's fair enough.

But you'd come back, wouldn't you? I'd never,

ever leave my little boy. Ever.

No, no phone call, no f… Here you are.

This is all I've got.

All I've got to remind me of her.

[Vinnie sighs]

- Nice. - She were bonny.

I get these flashbacks…

to the moment she left me, when I was little.

Y'know?

[sighs] And fuck, I wonder…

I, I wonder in a funny kinda way, whether…

Maybe that's the reason I don't trust anyone.

Especially girls.

Fuck, I am just terrified of falling in love,

in case they bloody leave me, y'know?

Leave me on my own.

Amazing knees.

- Dickhead. - Oh, they're smashers.

Dude, I'm pouring me heart out here

and you're just perving on me missing mum's knees.

- You fu... - I'm saying, she was a looker!

- You should be pleased! - Pleased?

Yeah! I mean, I would. I mean, not now, but back then I would.

- Honestly, you've crossed a line. - It's a good thing!

- There's your weed. - Vinnie!

- I'm storming out. - What?

You'd rather I'd said she was a munter?

Don't you crease it! Right, now!

- Coming up with another plan, again. - This plan is simple…

- Oh? - …yet genius.

Now, we live on an island. Yeah?

- Yep. - What is an island surrounded by, Dylan?

- We're not fucking five, Vin. - Oh, water?

[Vinnie] Correct! You're fucking spot on, clever lad!

Right, now, off this island, there's another island.

- Voila! - Douglas.

- Capital of the Isle of Man. - That's right, Dyldo! And that…

That's where we'll be sailing to.

- Are you fucking joking? - Hang about. Why the Isle of Man?

I'm glad you asked. It's a fuckin' good question.

The Isle of Man has a massive boating community.

Right? This is what I think.

We do our sea burial with Gideon,

we sell that boat,

and we just tell Dan

that we sunk it all the way to the bottom of the bloody ocean.

[Dylan] How do we get back?

You're gonna love it. It's a win-win situation.

- The ferry. - Ah, go on!

- [chuckles] Oh, yeah. - Unbelievable. Genius, man. Genius.

Fuck, Dylan! What the fuck is wrong with that plan?

Well, let me think. Er, none of us can sail a fucking boat.

He can.

For fishing, yes. Not across the fucking Irish Sea!

What's the difference?

Well, tides, currents, bloody hidden rocks!

We're gonna need like GPS, tidal maps...

JJ, it's a straight line, it just lists off to the left.

I'll sail it.

Oh. Can you sail?

[sniffs] I've dabbled, mate, in me youth.

Forward, reverse, like a car, int it?

[hisses] Except on water.

Can I just say, yeah? Tidal navigation requires practice,

- and fucking experience. - You can't sail, you cunt.

Skipton Reservoir.

- Yeah? - Yeah!

Well, that'll do, won't it? I mean, it's, a couple of fingers that.

Can I come? On the boat trip?

Oh, well…

- You might have to ask your mam. - Yeah!

- Oh, that was a shit idea. - As long as I can come.

- Listen, Erin, I don't know whether… - Shug?

No, absolutely not.

What could possibly go wrong?

[gentle music playing]

[Dylan] We shouldn't do this in broad daylight.

[Vinnie] Oh, shit.

- These fishing rods, phwoar! - [Dylan sighs]

- [Vinnie] Cumbersome, bloody hell. - [Dylan] I can't wait…

[Vinnie] Jesus wept, dude.

Can you believe we've had to dig her up?

Two bodies in one week. I've pulled my groin!

Just hurry up, for Christ sake!

Oi, stop being grumpy! We're goin' as fast as we can!

Yeah, you bellend. Give us a hand, lazy bastard.

In the fishing community, this is bloody frowned upon.

They don't like humans, they get eaten to the bone!

His mum will turn up in a lobster thermidor!

- [Vinnie hushes] - Lobster thermidor?

- Shit. - Oi, oi, oi!

- They suck your eyes out first. - Dude, what the fuck?

Right, now we've done everything she asked for on that list, haven't we?

This is what she wanted, Gid.

Yeah, but I don't like the thought of her down there, being…

- eaten by the fishes. - You know, honestly, her soul, Gid,

that's up in heaven now. This is just a… shell.

Oh, so that's just like a… a vessel?

She's like a vessel! Eh? Shall we get her on board?

- Yes. - [Vinnie] Let's get her on board! Come on.

JJ, get underneath, JJ…

With dignity now. With dignity.

Careful now, boys…

- Oh, fuck! - [Gideon] Oh, my god!

[all clamouring]

What the fuck are you playing at?

What if they check the boat at the Isle of Man?

[sniffs] Why would they check the boat, Ashley?

In case there are dickheads smuggling drugs?

You should've told Vinnie about this.

Well, I couldn't tell Vinnie because he's brought a child on board.

Yeah, you knew he was bringing Tyler. Why bring the drugs anyway?

Because I had it all worked out in my fucking head.

Listen. Listen. Listen, right.

I've got a contact on the Isle.

One Sniffy Jones, not his real name, he is a mate of Gary's. Anyway…

he does hen-dos, stag-dos and God knows what the fuck else,

so I can shift some of these,

get a little bit of cash,

pay off them strippers and maybe, just maybe,

keep a bit to one side for meself.

[sighs] I don't like this, Tommo. Not a bit.

Look… [sniffs] Ashley.

We'll get to the other side, right?

I'll pop off for an hour max, job done.

- No one will be any the wiser. - [groaning]

Will they?

- [farts] - Oh…

Oh, yeah, yeah. It's happening now.

The laxatives are working. Go on, I'm gonna shit myself. Hurry up.

[Ash] We didn't think this plan through.

- [Gideon moans] - Tyler, be careful there!

[Gideon] Oh, it's so wobbly!

Is it gonna be like this all the way?

- We haven't even left yet. - We're still tied up, Giddy love.

Vinnie, I've got no sea legs. I'm gonna be sick.

Are you bloody hell gonna be sick.

Oh, I am. I feel awful.

If you stand on one leg and touch your nose,

you can't be sick.

Really? Is that true?

- That's a thing. - Yeah.

- Try it. - I'll try it.

Okay…

[Vinnie] Ooh…

[Gideon] Ooh!

- Hey, it's working. - There you are!

Oh! The sickness has left me.

- [retching violently] - Oh!

Gideon, man!

[retching, spluttering]

[Ash] Christ, why is it so yellow?

[Dylan] I had battered sausage with curry sauce…

- [squelching] - [groans]

Hurry up, will you?

Hurry up? Do you think I'm fuckin' wanting to be down here,

fishing through shit?

[Gideon] Vinnie, I feel awful!

- I know, sweetheart. - I feel like it'll last forever!

It's not gonna last forever.

- Let's get you in this toilet here. - Yes, please!

- [door rattles] - [retching]

- Is there someone in there? - We're busy!

The key best be here, man.

Guys, listen! No, no, no, no. We've got a situation!

Gideon's throwing up in the sink!

Oh, we have got a situation as well, would you believe?

Fuck. I've got a fucking situation, too, dude!

- [squelching] - Dig through it!

Dig through it? Dig through it? What do you think I'm fucking doing?

- I'm digging through it! - You're not digging through it!

You're just going in and out.

- [Gideon] What are they doing? - What are you fuckin' doing?

[Gideon] What are they doing?

I don't know. It looks fucking ridiculous.

I'm coming in!

- No! Do not fucking come in! - Do not come in here!

Do not!

- Whoa! Ugh! - [screams] Don't come in!

Don't! Don't fuckin' come in here!

[Vinnie retching]

- Vinnie! - [retching]

Right! Are we ready to set sail?

[coughing] Yeah, yeah…

[Dylan] Right, JJ. We really need to make sure

- we're hugging that coastline. - [JJ] Right.

- If we follow the coastline… - Sorry, Dill.

All the way to Barrow, there's less chance of veering

wildly off course. Then we can just hop across to the Isle.

Do the fuck what we've got to do and watch out for sandbanks.

Don't look at me. Literally, stare over there.

- All right? - All right, gorgeous girl?

- It's nice, innit? - It's lovely, yeah.

- Do you know what it reminds me of? - What?

- Titanic. - Mmm!

It is a bit Titanic.

- Do you want to do it? - Yeah.

- Yeah? - Yes, I want to do Titanic.

- All right. - [both laughing]

- Do you trust me? - Yeah. Well, not really. 65%.

[chuckles] Right, okay, now put your arms out.

All right.

- Close your eyes. - Okay.

["My Favourite Girl" playing]

Right, now…

Right, open them.

[Vinnie] It's quite nice, innit?

It's like we're flying, isn't it?

♪ She's my favourite girl… ♪

- Christ, you're so beautiful… Ah! - [Erin screams]

- [Dylan] Shit! Oh, my god! - [all screaming]

JJ, I warned you!

What's going on?

[Dylan] I think we hit the sandbank!

- Vinnie! Vinnie! - [Gideon gasps]

Erin!

Man…

I'm adjusting that percentage by 60%, dude!

Chuck me the fucking ring!

Dickhead! What fuckin' use is that?

See you in Antarctica, love!

[Vinnie shouting and spluttering]

I'm coming round, I'm coming round! Hang on!

[gasping]

♪ Promise… ♪

[Vinnie] It's bloody freezing!

Fuckin' hell.

[groans]

- Vin… - Yeah?

- I've summat to tell you. - Oh, yeah?

- It's about the Rat and Cutter. - [sighs]

- What about the Rat and Cutter? - I'm the new owner. [clears throat]

How does that work?

I got some money to set it up.

Like,

do proper nights. Not just about women shaking their tits about.

- I mean, like a different vibe, you know? - Where have you got the money from?

- I mean, it sounds dodgy. - It's not dodgy.

I got… I loaned it.

I borrowed it from… Yeah, I borrowed it.

- You got a loan? - Yes. I got a loan.

Well, where from?

The bank.

- The bank? - Yes, I got a loan from the bank

to get it reopened, yeah.

- The bank gave you a loan? - Yes.

- Vin! - Where does Tommo fit in, tell me that?

- He is co-assistant manager. - [laughs]

Oh, fuck, he's gonna lose his shit.

I know.

Vin look, it's a means to an end. You know?

So I can get money together, so I can start making plans.

- I did it at college didn't I? - Mmm-hmm.

- Business, Hospitality and all that. - I know.

- I'm good at it. - I know.

Are you telling me porky pies?

- No. - I hope you're not telling me any porkies.

Vin, I'm not lying.

I just love you and that boy.

I just don't want anything happening to you, ever.

Do you understand me?

- Hmm? - Yeah.

[funky music playing]

Fuck!

[yells] What the fuck?

[Gary speaking indistinctly]

[bell pings]

For fuck's sake!

Huh. Dog bummers.

Huh! Warrant to search the premises. Out the fucking way!

- Don't touch me! You creep! - [Carl] A coffin's gone missing.

Violating a grave, Gary.

Undertaker.

[hisses]

Imagine the reaction!

You'll be Britain's Most Hated Man.

What do you think, Hoskins?

Er, criminal record, career over.

Yeah, you might be right.

Unless…

Unless what?

[Hoskins] I'm just thinking aloud sir,

but sometimes things can, er…

- go away. - Go away?

And how would it just… go away?

Well, perhaps he's not the real perpetrator?

Perhaps there were other people involved.

You want me to rat?

I want you to tell me

where O'Neill fits in and where he is now.

["Home" playing]

♪ Ain't nothing please me more than you ♪

♪ Oh, home, let me come home… ♪

- All right, so where are we now then? - Do you want to tell him?

- Where is it? - There!

- Ooh! - Good lad.

- It's going quite well innit, eh? - Not bad.

Oh, ye of little faith. [chuckles]

[tense music playing]

- [Cardi] Vin, no! It's not what... - [Ash] It wasn't us!

Get the fuck outside!

- You fucking mug. What the fuck? - [Cardi] Dude!

Dude, don't hit me! They're Tommo's, man.

We didn't know until it was too late.

Why the fuck has he brought them?

To sell them to Sniffy Jones to pay the strippers!

- Nothing to do with us. - I told him it was a bad idea, Vin.

Oi! Dickhead!

[Tommo] Vinnie, I can explain!

I don't want your explanations. There is a little lad onboard.

- Why didn't you tell me about that? - I knew you'd disapprove, you see!

- So you fucking did it, anyway? - Vinnie! Vinnie!

I am fucked, right? I'm getting heat left, right and centre!

Have you ever dealt with financially disgruntled women?

- I just fucking can't believe you've done… - [both grunting]

[Tommo screaming] Get off me!

[suspenseful music playing]

[Vinnie] Stop… Stop it!

That's thousands of pills, right?

Thousands of 'em!

If we get caught with them, that's years in the pen.

And Carl Slater will make fucking damn sure of that, won't he?

Now listen, Tom. They are gonna have to go overboard.

No, no, Vinnie! Vinnie. Vinnie. Listen to me.

- Listen to me right… - [grunts]

Fucking little bastard!

Come here, shithead. Come here, you little bastard!

- [groans] - Oh, shit!

- Where have you fucking hidden them? - [grunting]

Stop fucking about!

I'll put you through the fucking wall!

- Where are they? - Vin, I can't fucking do it!

Get off me, you cunt!

[screaming]

- Come here… - Get off me!

[both grunting]

- I'm not fucking about! - [yelps]

Shit!

Look what you've made me do, you dickhead!

Listen to me. You don't understand.

Me little lad's on this fucking boat, Tommy!

- Your lad? - Yeah, he's fuckin' mine! All right?

And his dad's not going back in jail

for love nor fucking money.

Never mind a load of pills!

[Vinnie sighs]

[sombre music playing]

You're my dad?

Yeah.

Yeah, I am, yeah.

I mean it wasn't meant to come out like that.

But yeah, I am. I'm your real daddy.

Mum?

[tuts] Erm, okay…

Right, the reason why we didn't tell you…

is because Mummy…

was with Dylan, Okay?

And, and Dylan

wanted to be your daddy as well.

["GMF" playing]

Come here a sec. Listen.

Just listen to me a minute.

[sighs]

Sometimes,

grown-ups get things really wrong, y'know?

And for the longest time I just didn't know…

I didn't know I was your daddy.

But now I do know.

And you are the best thing that's ever happened to me

in my entire life.

Can I have a squeeze?

I love my boy.

♪ You could probably say I'm difficult… ♪

Shall we go and sail the boat?

Yeah? Come on, sausage. Come with me, buddy.

Can you see any whales?

- No. - Can you see any dolphins?

Can I have a kiss? Nom nom nom. Mwah!

I tell you what, Tyler, you are doing such a good job!

Whoa! Straight, straight, straight!

Whoa!

[laughing]

♪ From the top of my head ♪

♪ Down to the tips Of the toes on my feet ♪

♪ So go ahead and love me ♪

♪ While it's still a crime ♪

♪ Don't forget you could be laughing ♪

♪ Sixty-five percent more of the time ♪

♪ You could be laughing Sixty-five percent more of the time… ♪

[Gary] God help me.

Do not stand at my grave and weep,

I am not there, I do not sleep.

I am a thousand winds that blow,

I am the diamond glints on the snow.

I am the sunlight on ripened grain, I am the gentle autumn rain…

It's the fucking cops. [shouts] Hey! It's the fucking cops!

- I am the… What? - Eh?

- Shit! - The police?

Well, we've done nowt wrong. We've nothing to worry about, have we?

[gasps] Do we need a permit to bury her?

- Fuck me! - What if we've crossed a border?

What if they think we're pirates? What if they make us walk the plank?

- I've got my best shoes on! - Stop it!

- Calm down. - What's happening?

Nothing, nothing! We're fine, Okay? We're fine, we're fine.

Tommy! Tommy. Oi, oi, oi!

The fucking sea police are out there! We've gotta throw 'em over

- or we'll get fucking banged up, man! - What if they float?

- Shit. - Ah!

Shit, this is bad, this is really fuckin' bad!

Just give them to me. I'll do it on sly.

- Just fucking hurry up man! - Vinnie…

If they're outside and they film it

and they catch you doing that, that's you in the shit.

If anyone is going down for this, it's me.

Hang on. Hang on.

- What? - I've got it.

- She is still up there. - Mmm-hmm.

- The mother, she hasn't gone in yet. - Hmm.

Get out. Fuck, I'll do Gideon.

[Gideon babbling]

- [Erin] Oh, here's Vinnie. - Come here, sweetheart.

- Are you okay? - I'm all right. I was just…

Cover me so they can't see me.

I know, yeah. Yeah. I know that. So, erm, listen to me.

It's just like that poem said, innit, you know…

Do not stand by my graveside and cry,

- for I was not there… - There we go, love!

Think of it as one last high.

- She died though, didn't she? - Yes, physically.

- [sirens wailing] - She was cold, stiff as a board!

[Vinnie] Dude, it's poem talk. It means she's in there.

Shall we sit you down? Maybe say a few words?

- [Gideon] Okay. - [Vinnie] All right, sweetheart.

- [officer] Do not throw anything… - Fuck!

Bye, Mum.

You were the best mother a son could ever have.

You were always there for me,

through good times and bad.

Like when Martin McCulloch used to pick on me,

and I'd come home crying.

- You'd wipe me tears… - [siren blaring]

- [officer] Turn off your engines! - …and make me crumpets,

with honey on them…

And in she goes!

- [shrieks] Oh, Mum! - Goodbyes should be sudden.

Bye, Mum.

Should we get arrested?

- Hey, yeah… why not, eh? - [Vinnie] Good lad.

Do not throw anything overboard!

♪ Cold, cold eyes upon me they stare ♪

♪ People all around me ♪

♪ And they're all in fear… ♪

You couldn't release them for us?

[officer] No.

Who's my special little man?

- Me. - Is it you?

Listen to me. No matter what happens,

I will never ever leave you.

Do you hear me?

All right?

Go to sleep. My boy.

I wish he were my dad.

♪ Having hard times ♪

♪ In this crazy town ♪

♪ Having hard times ♪

♪ There's no love to be found ♪

♪ Having hard times ♪

♪ In this crazy town ♪

♪ Having hard times ♪

♪ And no love to be found ♪

♪ From my party house I feel like meeting others ♪

♪ Familiar faces Creed and race, a brother ♪

♪ But to my surprise I find a man corrupt ♪

♪ Although he be my brother He wants to hold me up ♪

♪ Having hard times ♪

♪ In this crazy town ♪

♪ Having hard times… ♪

- We're on the way. - What's going on?

Something's happened with Doolan.

He's been kidnapped.

You won't let us down, Vinnie.

We are asking you to save a man's life here!

[tyres screeching]

We are doing this by the book, boys. We're gonna go to them kidnappers.

- Ah, fuck! - [people screaming]

We're going to drop that money off, save Doolan, be bloody heroes,

and off we go to Tyler's birthday party.

- [tyres screeching] - [crash]

When he said Isle of Wight, do you think he meant Isle of Man?

♪ I've got so much trouble in my mind… ♪

- Hey, it's… - I'm all right.

♪ So much trouble in my mind ♪

♪ Give me the strength to carry on ♪

♪ Give me the strength to carry on ♪

♪ 'Cause everything I got Is just about gone ♪

♪ And I think about it ♪

♪ I think about it, I think about it… ♪