Original subtitles

My boys are tied up, so I need you to collect something for me.

[Vinnie] Yeah, yeah. No worries. What is it?

- His name's Tony Tillerton. - That's a person.

Tell me what he's told you, Sara.

[all scream]

What the fuck have you told Sara?

The only thing linking me to that headless fucking corpse is you…

and your idiot friends. They've got nothing on me, Vin.

- For richer for poorer, in sickness and... - Police! Armed police!

Vincent O'Neill, we are arresting you on conspiracy to murder.

- You're making a mistake. - You're the first thing in the morning

and you're the last thing at night.

[Judge] I sentence you to six months imprisonment.

["Work" playing]

♪ What is it you wanna do When you grow up? ♪

♪ Ai, yo, I'm gonna be a ti-dop ♪

♪ That's all my eyes can see ♪

♪ Victory is mine Yeah, surprisingly ♪

♪ I've been laying, Waiting for your next mistake ♪

♪ I put in work And watch my status escalate ♪

♪ Now I'mma start collectin' props, Connectin' plots ♪

♪ Networkin' like a conference… ♪

- [knock at door] - O'Neill. It's time.

Eh?

Come here, Ernie. Give me a love, mate.

- It's been a pleasure, Vin. - You're a good lad, eh?

Now is that a fucking hard-on? Is it?

It is a hard on! 'Ey, Ernie's finally got himself a hard-on here.

- [laughs] - [inmates cheer and whistle]

Fucking wants doing round here. [chuckles]

Stay away from schools, you dirty old bastard. [chuckles]

Right then, if you can just stick yourself

- in this end one, please, Mr O'Neill. - Yeah.

And when you're in there, just remove your trousers, please.

Eh?

- Don't worry, it's just a precaution. - Dude, I'm being released from jail.

- I wouldn't stick anything up my arse. - Yeah, you'd be surprised.

- You're bloody right, I would. - See, the anus is…

It's an incredible organ.

It's a bit like the female uterus, actually.

Yeah, it's capable of expanding to great widths.

- I've found loads of cool stuff up them. - Go on.

- Well, er… I once found a phone. - Oh, yeah.

Drugs, obviously. A gun.

- Eh? - Hacksaw.

Fucking hell.

- Erm… an MP3 player. - Crikey.

- Christmas lights. I were like that. - [laughs]

- A miniature submarine. - Why?

- Harry Potter novel. - Oh, get gone.

- Yeah. - They're fucking that thick.

Yeah. Deathly Hallows, this one. 600 pages.

- [both laugh] - So, are we gonna have a quick peek then?

- Oh, you… - Come on.

I mean, what's the deal?

Have you always wanted to do this for a living or what?

I kind of fell into it really. Saw an opening.

- [laughter] - Hey, hey!

- [squelching] - [grunts]

["Money, That's What I Want" playing]

Fuck!

Sugar, Sugar, wake up.

- We're late! - Fuck.

- [Erin] I can't believe I slept in. - [horn honks]

I promised him I'd be there.

♪ The best things in life Are free… ♪

- Did you get bummed? - No, I didn't get fucking bummed.

- I bet you've been bloody bummed. - Nah, not really my thing.

- [laughs] See ya. - All right, Vin?

- All right, Georgio? - You okay, mate?

- Yeah, not so bad. - See you next week, Vinnie!

[Vinnie] Fuck off!

♪ That's what I want ♪

♪ That's what I want That's what I want ♪

♪ Your love give me such a thrill ♪

[horn blares and tyres screech]

♪ But your love don't Pay my bills… ♪

[tyres screech]

- [laughs] Come here, mate. - Uncle Vinnie!

Aw! Oh, I've missed you, man.

- I've missed you. - I'm sorry I went away.

- You look handsome, you know. - Hi. Welcome back.

- Hiya. You all right? - Yeah, are you?

[Vinnie] Yeah.

- Did you bring a spliff? - Yeah, course.

All right, Sugar? My youth.

That hotel was terrible.

["I Saw Her Again" playing]

[yelling indistinctly]

[Erin laughs]

[laughs and whoops]

Why didn't you want the guys to come and pick you up?

Because I wanted this bugger to be the first face I saw, didn't I?

[laughs]

Eh? Besides, them buggers, they'd have just forgot, wouldn't they?

- Didn't they visit? - Once or twice they did.

Got the odd phone call here and there,

but I just got the feeling they were trying to keep me happy.

How is the weed grow? Is it all right, yeah?

- Yeah. - Yeah?

Yeah, fine.

Thank fuck for that. Has McCann been in touch?

No, I don't think so. Has he not been in touch with you?

No. I mean, I didn't mention when I were getting out. Could be that.

You know, maybe he's just waiting till I get out.

You know what, it's just as well them buggers

didn't know when I were getting out.

They'd have thrown a surprise party, wouldn't they? You know what I mean?

Mmm. Shame.

[cheering]

["California Soul" playing]

How's it going?

- You all right? - Vinnie.

[all chatter excitedly]

- [Vinnie] How are you? - Welcome home, mate.

[chattering continues]

- How are ya? Hey! - Come here, Vinnie, mate.

Eh? Oh, it's good to see you.

Oh, what the fuck are they doing here?

Oi, get hold of our Tyler, will you? Bloody hell.

- Oh, sorry, don't stop on my account. - Fuck do you want?

Just came to welcome you back, Vinnie.

Nice one. Well, you can fuck off now, can't you, Slater?

Oh, right. Okay, sorry. Yeah, I will.

But just for factual accuracy,

it's, "Fuck off, Detective Inspector Slater."

Uniform no more.

Isn't that right, Hoskins?

Boom.

Detective, huh? Well done, Carl. Maybe now you can investigate

them reports of a local man who bums dogs. [sniggers]

Yeah.

Smile it up, arsehole, because tonight,

myself and my team are paying a visit to your adult establishment

and unless every last licence, certificate and fucking regulation

is up above board and up to date, I'm closing you down.

And as for you, "mechanic,"

I know you're selling stolen wheels and we're gonna fucking catch you.

And then there's Vincent.

[softly] Aw.

Little motherless Vinnie. Aw.

"Preventing a lawful burial of a body."

Is that the best they could do?

- [screaming] - [gavel bangs]

Six months.

I know you've got a weed grow.

And I know you're involved with Terence McCann.

And I am making it my personal mission

to ensure that you and all of your scroaty mates

end up behind bars

for as long as the law will allow.

Fuck off.

I thought it was a moment. I'm sorry. Misread it.

Oi! It were a poodle.

[cheering and laughter]

Let's just assess the reality of the situation, right?

Oi, oi. The paperwork for the Rat and Cutter,

I assume all that's fucked.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yes, assume…

'cause it's me in charge, it's all gone to shit.

Yeah, assume all the admin is in a state of fucking disarray.

Well, is it?

- Yeah, as a matter of fact it is. - Yeah.

Hang on, sweetheart.

You're supposed to be co-assistant manager.

You told me you were taking care of licences, remember?

Christ, you are useless, dude.

- [Erin] Dickhead. - [Vinnie] Honestly. He is a dickhead.

It's gonna be months before we can sort that bloody paperwork out

and run that place legal now, innit?

Which means all we've got is that weed.

Right, so the location, I can't have them finding that.

Let's just go easy on the visits this time.

- There's a bit of a problem with that. - What kind of a problem?

Er… w-with the grow.

Oh, hell.

- [shouting and grunting] - Where's the weed?

Eh? Where's the fucking weed?

They've fucking taken everything?

McCann's men. Every last plant.

I mean, we're… we are fucked.

No club, no weed. Fucking Slater and that creature…

who's that fucking guy he's hanging out with? That little homunculus.

Fucking giving it big licks. Breathing right down our necks.

How the fuck are we gonna make a living here?

Summat'll turn up.

I know you're in there, Vinnie! I can fucking see you

- on your bed smoking! - All right!

Shit, dude. What time is it?

Never fucking mind that. Just open the door.

What the fuck do you want? Something's fell into me lap.

- Candy from a baby. - Yeah?

Well, not fucking literally. Why would I have candy in my lap?

I'm not a fucking nonce, Vin. And even if I was,

I wouldn't be luring infants with fucking candy in my lap.

I'd hang about at the swimming pools or something.

At fucking soft-play centres.

I don't know what I'd do, but it wouldn't be candy.

You'd be a brilliant nonce. I've no doubt of it.

What do you want, man?

Oh, I've got a job for us. Gonna earn us all thousands.

What kind of job is it?

The Great Bull Semen Heist.

Eh? Come on.

- Count me out of that. - What d'you mean, count you out?

This'll be the easiest dough you've ever earned in your life.

Stealing sex piss for a fucking angry Gandalf?

I've just come out of jail.

Why would I wanna nick a load of sex piss for you?

I've got Slater breathing down me neck and everything.

Piss off, Jim! Old cunt.

- Fine! I'll fucking take it to the others! - Do!

'Ey, and when we're all spending spunk money,

don't you come fucking moaning to me.

- [heavy thud] - Ow! That fucking hurt, twat!

- Fuck off! - You fuck off. You fucking old cunt.

- [door opens] - Hey, Vinnie.

You all right, knobhead?

- How's it going? - What the fuck is that, dude?

National "Check Yourself" Week. This is Valerie, my new friend.

Valerie the Vagina.

- [deep voice] Hello, Vinnie. - Dude, she wouldn't sound like that.

She would. That's exactly what she'd sound like.

Would she bollocks.

It's a growler. How do you expect them to sound?

She wouldn't be growly though, man. She'd be, erm…

What?

- American, wouldn't she? - [laughs]

- [sultry American accent] Hey, Vinnie. - [laughs]

No, no, I tell you.

In both a personal and professional capacity,

I've come face to face with a thousand fandangos

and they're ruthless, brutal. They're like, "Hello, Doctor."

Stop.

- "You look like a bad boy. Come here!" - Fuck off now. Oi. Oi.

St-Stop. Stop puppeting that minge.

- So, how was prison? - [sighs] It was all right.

I think I looked after myself. I had three meals a day.

I was exercising a bit… first week.

- Did you get bummed? - No, I didn't get fucking bummed.

- Really? - No! It's not just a big bum-sex orgy,

the moment you walk into fucking jail.

How's your…

You know, your…

- Bipolar? Fucking hell. - Yeah.

Yeah, it was all right.

Fuck, I did some thinking in there.

It's at night, when they shut that door.

I thought about my mum…

and how she abandoned me.

Fuck. I mean, I'd done the same thing to Tyler, hadn't I?

- Come on. - [sighs heavily]

I need occupying.

Otherwise the voices kick in.

Why not go back to your old tricks, get back in with the old gang?

- I don't want to end up in jail again. - Well, small scale.

- Sell a bit of weed or whatever. - Oh, fuck.

Oh, you star.

- Dude. - It's half decent.

Thanks, Vinnie. What do you think of that, Valerie?

[gruff voice] Abso-bloody-lutely. Tell him to check his balls.

- [laughs] - Good girl. She's right on message.

- [mooing] - So I'm on this date last night.

Sheep-shagging, as the rest of us call it.

- 'Ey! I'm a fucking catch, me. - Right.

Eligible bachelor, self-made man.

- What website are you using? - Desperate-and-Deranged.com.

[laughter]

Muddy Mates. It's for farmers and the farming community.

- Lot of very mucky women on there. - [laughter]

- Do you wanna hear this story or what? - Go on, go on.

Right, her name is Lesley Anne Fisher.

Posh, yeah.

She is a journalist for a farming magazine.

I'm searching for a soul mate, not some easy minge.

- [all] Mmm - And over a few wines, we get talking.

- You were drinking wine? - No.

I had a pint of stout. She had the wine.

And the more she drank, the more she gabbed.

My next feature is on what they call "film-star" bulls.

- Have you heard of them? - No.

But I once had a Friesian that was the spit of Jodie Foster.

[both laugh raucously]

What?

Film-star bulls are bulls that carry the highest-proof semen.

Semen with the proven ability

to sire cows with high milk yields.

Right.

But here's the real attraction.

Where a single ejaculation might normally produce, say,

fifty straws…

Fifty…

a shot from a film-star bull can produce as many as…

Five hundred.

Fucking hell. Super spunk.

- [Ash] That's fair play. - [murmurs of assent]

The bull I'm seeing next week, Sonny Boy,

he's at a secret location and he's a…

a real A-lister.

His frozen semens go for 500…

600 a pop.

- Ooh. - Yeah.

[chuckles]

Right, just hang fire then. So 600 quid a pop you're saying?

He can do, what, 500 shots at his jizzing best?

- Yep. - Jesus Christ. Go on.

- 300,000. - 300,000, dude!

- That's a lot. Fucking hell. - For bull splooge?

It's like gold dust. Hey,

and I've got all the details of when she's going.

So I suggest we follow her and her photographer,

intercept 'em en route

and then go and nick the knob yoghurt!

We'll do it. That's a fucking good idea.

All right? They're expecting a nice lady journalist,

so that's exactly what we're gonna give 'em.

[Vinnie on walkie-talkie] Jimbo, what's going on, love?

Got eyes on, over.

I have visuals on the target's abode.

Speak fucking normal, you bellend.

Just let us know when she's setting off.

Raymond… Roger that.

Raymond Roger that?

Do you know what you're doing with that camera?

Yeah, yeah.

- It's a camera. Just point and shoot. - No, you've got to look professional.

"That's it, sweetheart. There we go. Ooh, yes. Make love to the lens.

"Pout. Mmm, hold that, yeah."

- Do you want me to do it? - No, dude. Look, why…

why does Ash get to be the ph-photographer?

Exactly. Should be me on that magazine. Bit of fucking diversity, right?

- 10-4! 10-4! - [JJ] 10-4, message received.

Can you tell him he's doing the wrong code, please?

The target is leaving the premises.

I repeat, the target is leaving the premises.

[Vinnie] Shut the fuck up! We're gonna cut her off now.

[Lesley Anne sighs] For God's sake. What's this now?

I hate being late.

Hiya. I am so sorry to wave you down.

My car's broken down and my charge has gone on my phone.

- Could you call the garage for me? - Well…

- we're in a bit of a h... - Yeah, of course we can.

- I'm really good with cars. - Oh, thank you so much.

- I'll take a look. - Thank you. Amazing, thanks.

- What's the problem? - I think it's the back wheel.

When I was driving, I could hear a clicking sound.

- I think it needs a jack up or… - Yeah, sounds like it.

[Vinnie] Lesley! Fucking dickhead.

- What are you doing? - [yelling]

- [clamouring] - Get out! Come here, you…

["Main Offender" playing]

[grunting and yelling]

Argh!

[roars]

[shrieks]

Cardi! Have you knocked him out? Fucking idiot.

- [grunts] - Oh, you like it rough, do you?

- Yeah! Yeah, yeah. - Well, I can be as rough...

Argh!

- Get her! - [shrieks]

Nice and tight, Ash. She's a fucking nutcase. [chuckles]

You double-crossing piece of shit!

You should've gone Dutch on the meal then, shouldn't you?

Hey, dearest wine. And the pudding. I'm not fucking made of money.

You should've kept your hands out of your pocket,

instead of fiddling your shrivelled old manroot.

I was rearranging.

Rearranging, my arse.

I'll rearrange your fucking arse in a minute, love.

- What does that even mean? - Dickhead. [tuts]

Listen, we're not gonna hurt you, neither of yous.

- We just want the address for the bull. - I'll never give it.

You can torture me, you can do what you like, but I'll never ever...

- It's in the sat nav. - Oh! [laughs]

He's a good lad. Come here, gimme a kiss. You're a good lad.

Right, now then. You three, take 'em for a bloody walk.

We're gonna see a man about a bull. Go on, fuck off.

Cardi, just guide her. Guide her in. She's a nutcase.

See you later.

I don't need you, you look like a plank.

- Come on! - All right.

[Tommo] Two drops will give you enough time

- to find out where the vials are stored. - [tyres screech]

["Colonel Hathi's Trunk Juice" playing]

[birds chirruping]

- Wait. - What is it? What's up?

That is a hawfinch.

Terrific little bird, the hawfinch.

They can exert enough force to crack open a cherry stone.

Fucking riveting!

Come on!

[Ash] Remember what Tommo said…

you only need two drops to knock them out. Right?

Smile, Lesley Anne.

- You from Total Farming? - Yeah, absolutely.

I'm Lesley Anne and this is my photographer Ash.

- You're Lesley? - Yes. Yes, Lesley Anne.

You sounded older on the phone.

[chuckles] She gets that all the time. Old-lady voice.

- Don't you? - I do.

First time I spoke to her I thought she was a pensioner.

- Anyway, you… you must be Ruth. - Yeah.

And my three boys, Victor, Vernon and Vincent.

V, V, V. A bit of a V thing going on there.

- The three of you. - Anyway,

we're very excited to meet Sunny Boy, aren't we, Ash?

- So excited. - Yeah.

I've always found bulls to be very photogenic.

You won't see a better-looking bull.

If I was a cow, I'd have him inside me all day long.

- Let's start with a quick chat and a brew? - This is ready.

[both] Yeah.

If I have a herd of a hundred cows and each one is inseminated

three times over a nine-week period,

have a guess how many'll get pregnant on strong bull sperm.

- I wouldn't know. - Couldn't say.

Ninety-eight percent.

- Ninety-eight percent. - Wow.

See my Sunny Boy has thousands of daughters

in countries all over the world, yeah?

- Tokyo. - Tokyo.

- Brazil. - Brazil

- Mozambique. - Mozambique.

[chuckles] You mean to say MOO-zambique.

- [laughs] - [Erin clears throat] Right.

Well, we'd really like to meet him.

Yeah, we really would, we really would.

But before we do that, I couldn't get a group snap

of all the four of ye, could I?

Kind of like the human side behind the animal's success.

Yeah, yeah. Course. Why not?

Thanks.

[Ash] Lovely. Right, if you assemble yourselves…

[continues indistinctly]

♪ Liar liar ♪

♪ Your nose is longer Than a telephone wire ♪

♪ Ask me, baby, why I'm sad ♪

♪ You've been out all night, Know you've been bad ♪

♪ Don't tell me different, Know it's a lie… ♪

Listen, man, I'm sorry I didn't come to visit you more.

Erm… Just… you know,

I felt so guilty about you ending up in there.

- It's all right. Forget it. - You took a bullet for us

and I'm grateful to you, right?

Any one of us on that Tillerton trip could've ended up inside, so…

I'm not… You can't grass on your mates.

I wasn't gonna do that, was I, you know?

You can't do that. Just like you can't be telling your missus

shit she doesn't need to know, Dyldo.

Have you told her about fucking Tillerton, the guy who got his head taken off?

- She told me she didn't blab. - Of course she fucking did.

Christ on a bike. Do you believe that?

Don't lose your head.

Fuck!

- Well, she… - You fucking turnip.

Use your brain, you handsome moron.

- Just keep her out of your life. - Yeah, well, I have.

Good.

Fuck, dude. I don't want to go back inside for anyone. It was terrifying.

- Oh, oh. Are we on? - Yeah. Where's he?

Tom! Tommy! Come the fuck on.

Terrible tracksuit. Come on.

[lock beeps]

[bull grunts]

There he is, the film star.

- Wow. He's a beauty. - [camera clicking]

- Like I told you. - Ruth, walk me through the process.

Before he inseminates the lovely ladies,

how do you extract the semen?

Simple. We excite him with a bit of cow spray

and get him to mount another bull while we…

- So he's gay, is he? - No.

- But she just said another bull… - He's artificially excited.

Yeah, but he's happy to get up on the back of another boy and…

- …give it a go - Well, he's not fussy, is he?

He just wants to release himself. But for top-quality sperm,

he can only be released once every month or two.

Once you've collected the semen, you freeze it. Where is that stored?

- Shall we just agree he's bi, so? - Ashley!

I'm just saying.

We just collect the semen in some glass vials and…

- Mum? - The vials, where are they stored?

- I feel a bit… - Ruth?

- Where's the freezer? - It's… The vials?

- [heavy thud] - Oh…

Fuck's sake. You ruined that with all your gay questions!

- The bull mounts boys, Erin. - [mooing]

See, he's agreeing with us. Oh, careful. It's all right, calm down.

How much did you put in? The two of them are out in minutes.

- Fucking two, like Tommo said. - [bull grunts]

We need to find the freezer, okay. You check in there.

- Yeah, I will. You go. - I'll try and find the others.

- [mooing] - Whoa, Sunny.

We're both gay men. All we want is a few of your baby tears, all right?

- [grunting] - Erin!

Hello? Lads?

'Ey, lads? Oh, fuck. You big fucker.

Shit. Jesus Christ, you're fucking strong, dude.

- Get off! - Shit!

Have you found any jizz?

- I'm saying shit out of joy and happiness. - Shit!

Ooh, shit. You're a good lad. You're a good lad.

- [barks] - [objects clatter]

Fuck! Do one! Shut the door!

- Oh, my God. Tommo! - What is it?

All right, all right.

Remember, it's more scared of you than you are of it.

Is it?

Just open the fucking door.

- Oh, it's got a code. - Try 1-2-3-4.

- It's not gonna be that, is it? - Try 9-9-9-9.

[mooing]

- No. - Four zeros.

- [keypad beeps] - No. We're not getting in here, are we?

Which is why I specially said

you need to see the frozen jizz before they pass out.

- Two drops was too much, wasn't it? - Have we fucked it?

- Yeah, we've fucked it. - Fuck!

- Unless… - [Dylan] Unless what?

Well, unless we take the big lad here with us.

[mooing]

'Ey up, it's the police. What the fuck do they want?

Oh, shit, it's Slater. They must know we have the bull.

[Cardi] Caught red-handed.

- [Jim] Afternoon, officer. - It's afternoon, detective.

You're milking it, man. It's starting to look like harassment, girls.

Oh, what's that? It's a search warrant for the entire site.

A search warrant? What you hoping to find? Contraband cows?

I've had information that you're in cahoots

with convicted criminal Vincent O'Neill.

- [laughs] - Ooh, who's told you that?

Weed, stolen wheels, sexual debauchery.

Farmers? Fuck off. Too niche even for me, sweetheart.

Fine. Search.

But I want every vest and every skiddy Y-front

back where you found it

or I'll be bringing my lawyers in.

- Ladies. - Bend 'em over, lads.

Weird.

"Bend 'em over." What are you bending us over for?

- Catch you later. - Ooh!

Get the bull in the cow shed and watch out for its blind spot.

What's that? What's a blind… Jim? What's a bl… Jim?

- Fucking hell, man. - [shouting]

Come on, big lad.

- So hot, man. - Please, God.

- No! Red! Cardi. Put it away. - Shit.

- [Tommo] Knobhead. - Go on!

["Argos Farfish" playing]

- Har! Har! - We've such a big treat for you later.

[Erin] That's it. Nice and gentle.

- Har! Har! - Har!

A big treat after this.

- A big treat after this. - Oh!

[all shouting indistinctly]

- [Ash] Yay! - Yep.

Right, listen. The way I see it, we've got a tiny window here.

We've got to get matey boy to shoot his load, collect as much as we can

and then we fuck him off back to his original owner, right?

Or… we keep the bull.

A-grade wazz, licence to print money.

Oh, yeah. Like the goose that laid the g-golden egg.

- And how did that end? - How did that end?

I fucking don't know.

It's like a cautionary tale, innit, for kids.

To do with greed and shit like that. I dunno.

- I'm going to Google that. - Don't… JJ.

Let's not Google that, let's fucking YouTube

- how to wank a ginger bull off. - We can't do that!

They use stimulants and specialised equipment and stuff.

No, no, no. Way I see it, right,

a wank is a wank is a wank.

The todger, be it human, dog, badger or bull, responds to touch.

Ergo, all we need to do is to get matey boy here aroused

- and… merry jizzmas. - Oh!

Erin, whack on your Marigolds. [softly] Love you.

- I'm not doing it, you joking? - He's actually quite gay though,

- Sunny Boy, so a man is definitely better. - Cardi then.

You can fuck off. You do it.

- I'm not fucking doing it. - Tommo, you own a sex dungeon!

For the umpteenth time, what I own…

is an erotic parlour and we don't stretch to bestiality.

There were that one time with a rabbit, that were going too far.

Fucking rabbit? What could you have done with a...

Listen, just, do you have stuff to bring men off in your horrid dungeon?

- Course I do. - What kind of shit do you have?

You name it, mate. We've got, er… tingly lube.

Fake gushing vag.

My personal favourite, the chilli inserter.

- Where's that go? - The fuck do you think that goes?

Goes right up the arse, you fucking great lemon.

Right, we'll get the chilli inserter,

you two dickheads find a sexy cow.

Where's the weed, boys? Where's the stolen motors?

Is that it? Oh, no!

It's a flower vase.

Oh, is that 'em? Oh, no.

It's a porcelain frog. [chuckles]

What's this then, eh?

[policeman] Over here, sir.

Oh, dear. Weaponry?

Those are de-pinned. They're memorabilia.

Sir.

- And this? - It's a Luger.

It's from the First World War.

Dangerous weapons. What has he got planned?

- I've got a big one. Shall I get it out? - Go on.

[Carl] You're nicked.

[mooing]

Er… hello. This one's quite fit.

- Based on what? - Nice nose.

He's not going to be looking at her nose.

Sunny Boy will be looking at the arse. Look at her arse.

- I'm not an expert on arses. - Check the udders then.

- What others? - Not the others, the udders of the cow.

The swingy-down bit.

Have you never been on a farm before?

- Yes, I've been on a farm. - [squelching]

- [laughs] - I stepped straight in poo there.

- [splashing] - Oh!

I fucking slid on that one!

[Erin] Right, I need go and pick Tyler up.

Any excuse for you to get out of wanking a bull off. [laughs]

- Eh? - [both laugh]

- Before you go I do need to talk to you. - Oh, go on.

- I've got a bloody problem. - What kind of problem?

- A McCann problem. - [sighs]

He's locked me off. He's not answering any of me calls.

There's just no communication. It's like I'm fucking…

- persona non gratis. - Grata.

- Grata. - Yep.

Honestly, I never said a word. I kept my mouth shut.

The police were offering me less time if I only grassed

and I kept me fucking gob shut. Terence who?

Maybe… he wants to stay on the safe side until things quieten down.

I don't know though. If I'm no use to him,

then I'm just a worry to him and that frightens the shit out of me.

He is a ruthless man, Erin. You know?

Come here.

I don't like you worrying. You'll be fine.

You know… [clears throat]

You know that thing you said to me?

When you whispered in my ear when I got arrested.

Yeah.

Did you mean it?

Yeah.

Yeah, I did.

- [sighs] But Vin… - I know, it's all right.

You don't have to explain yourself.

I know you've a lot going on, got your exams,

you wanna get the fuck out of here 'cause it's miserable. [groans]

[chuckles]

It just meant a lot to me, that's all. Hearing that.

- Do you know that I fancy you loads? - Shut up.

- I fancy you every single day. - Shut up.

- Fucking nightmare. - I need to get Tyler.

Get the fuck out of here. I've got to wank a bull off.

- Oh, Jesus. - Come on.

- [Vinnie] Get out of it. - Right, good luck.

[chuckles] Right, Vincent,

let's titillate a bull.

- Anyone seen Jimbo? He's not in his house. - He's not come through, no.

- Has no one seen him? Fuck. - No.

[mooing]

- We'll have to do it ourselves. - How hard can it be?

Boy meets girl, let nature take its course.

Go on, get the fuck in there and release that handsome cow.

- Cardi, get your Tupperware ready. - Oh, Jesus.

He's fucking coming for me. I am not touching that.

Tupperware's a shit idea. Have you not got a bucket?

[Vinnie] Let the crown see the jewels.

Right, JJ, give over being a fucking mard arse.

What are you reversing for?

Oh, yeah, look at that. She's sniffing his dick, in't she?

Straight in for the BJ. Very nice.

Just think of her as one the lads, Sunny Boy.

Come on, sunshine, she's right next to your chopper.

[Vinnie] Fuck, he don't look too interested, does he?

[Cardi] She looks like she's gonna mount him!

[sighs] Right, we'll have to do it ourselves. Tommo, get in there.

- What? - Get in the bleedin' pen!

And take your sex spray.

Come on, Tom. Come on, Tom.

- Christ, it's gritty. - [JJ] Gritty?

Heavens above, it's enormous. It's like a French baguette.

- What flavour? - What flavour? Beef.

Can you imagine a beef baguette? I'm starving.

Come on, sunshine, there we go. Give it up for your Uncle Tommo.

- You sound like a paedophile. - Vinnie, you're putting me off.

You're wanking off a fucking ginger jizz machine

and calling yourself Uncle Tommo. You sound like a paedo.

- He's a bull. He can't understand me. - Then why talk to him?

Because, Dylan, in case you hadn't realised,

I'm pleasuring a fucking bull and I am trying to… Ah!

- [mooing] - Okay, what's this, boy

- Shut up. Get your Tupperware ready. - Good lad. Good lad.

Tommo, come on. It's getting hard. It's getting really fucking hard.

- Come on, son, get in there. - [grunts]

- Wait for it, Tom. - [groans]

I'm going. Arh. Come on, Tom. I'm cramping.

No, no, no! Push through.

- I've got to swap arms. - [Ash] Don't stop.

He's got a proper throb now.

- He's getting close. - Take over!

[Vinnie] Get out of the way. [groans]

Go on, Tom. Fucking… I've got him.

[Tommo] Tickle his balls.

I swear to God, if I end up in a fucking psychiatric ward,

we're gonna know what did it. It's coming.

- Get ready, lads! It's coming! Get ready! - [mooing]

- Now! - [all groaning]

[screaming]

[spits] How did we get on?

- None. - Fuck all.

Fuck!

- [vehicle approaches] - What's that? It's Jim, it's Jim!

- [Ash] What? - [splutters]

It's not Jim, it's a 4x4.

- Not them, is it? - We need to get out.

- He's got a drill. Why's he got a drill? - How've they found us?

- Fuck how they found us. Run! - [Vinnie] Hide. Hide, hide.

Fuck.

[Victor] He's here.

[Ruth] Jesus Christ, all that semen wasted.

It's warm. They're still here.

Well, find 'em.

- We're gonna fucking kill ya! - [cocks gun]

You no-good sons of bitches.

You lying puke of the devil!

To give her her dues, she's got a way with words.

- I am a fair woman. - [Dylan] You're a scary woman.

So, if you come out now, I'll go lenient.

- Okay. - Where the fuck are you going?

[gunshots]

[Ash] We're really in the shit here now.

- Yeah. - Yeah. Yeah.

Right, what I'm thinking is this.

One of us runs out, they will give chase.

The rest of us escape.

That's a good idea. Yeah. Who's gonna do that then?

Last chance,

you cock-sucking whores of Jezebel!

- It's biblical, in't it? - Bit homophobic maybe.

It might be. Just give us that spray.

Do you want tingly or cooling?

- Fucking… give us tingly. - Right.

[muttering]

♪ Buona sera, signorina, buona sera ♪

♪ It is time to say Good night to Napoli ♪

Argh!

♪ Though it's hard for us To whisper, buona sera ♪

[gunshot]

♪ With that old moon above ♪

♪ The Mediterranean sea, mmm… ♪

- Where's the others? - No idea.

- They all went in different directions. - [mobile rings]

- Yeah? - Hey, are you all safe?

- Yeah, we're fine. - Thank fuck for that, dude.

Thought one had been killed there for sure.

- Where shall me and Tommo meet you? - You and Tommo? Where's Cardi?

- I thought he was with you? - Shit.

- Shit? - Shit.

- [gunshot] - Fuck!

- [mobile rings] - That's him.

Cardi?

- We've got your fat friend. - Yeah, we know. We want him back.

You're in no position to be making demands.

He's covered in my Sunny Boy's gloop and that's thousands of pounds

dripping down his fat fucking face.

- Sorry. - We're sorry about that, all right?

But you got your bull back. How did you find us?

He's chipped. Like a car. Trackable.

He's chipped like a car.

Dill, you were right. Clever innit, really?

Listen, you got him back so, you know,

let's not make a thing out of this. Let's let bygones be bygones,

you give us Cardi back… If we don't get that frozen semen back,

this lard-arse goes in the slurry pit.

- What are you talking about, frozen semen? - Don't play innocent.

Your fat fuck of a friend did that and he got a slap. Tell 'em!

Yeah. She slapped me hard.

The frozen semen vials are gone, every single one of them,

- and that's a lot of fucking money. - Fucking stop. Just listen to me.

We might be thieves, but I'm telling you we're not liars.

Well…

We're not liars. And, you know, we did. We tried to drug you.

- And we tried to steal your bull. - We even tried the semen.

We fucking did. We tried to steal the semen

from the freezer and couldn't get in it. So I'm telling you now,

whoever stole that jizz, it wasn't us.

In that case, the fat fuck dies.

Oh, fucker. Ring her back. Bastard.

- She's not actually gonna kill him? - You sure you didn't steal the vials?

- Think about that fucking question! - Straight to voicemail.

- If we didn't nick it, who did? - Fuck knows, dude.

Right, okay, I've got a little confession to make.

You know when we took her to the woods?

I need to pee.

You don't think we're gonna fall for that old one?

No, I really do. I swear. I'm bursting.

Listen, love, I've got a prostate the size of a hard-boiled egg

and even I don't wanna go. You c-can't let her p-piss her pants.

- Come on. - Oh, you… [groans]

- Is this all right here, yeah? - Yeah, yeah. Fine.

Let me get those off you.

Go ahead.

- Turn around. - Turn…

- I said, turn around! - Yeah. Sorry. Of course, yeah.

- Oh! - [JJ] Cardi!

- Ow! - Fuck off!

- Whoa, whoa, whoa! - Come on!

- Right, yeah. - For fuck's sake!

- Come on! - Coming!

He fucking said not to let her pee.

- Hit him. - Ow. Idiot.

[Dylan] Ten to one Lesley stole the vials.

- [Ash] I'll do a voice. - Don't do a fucking voice.

[heavy thudding] Fucking hell, you're like the fucking police.

Sorry.

- Lesley Fisher? - Lesley Anne.

Package here for you. Sign here, please.

Ha, it's a ruse! Dickhead.

- What's with all this fucking pink? - I like it.

I like toast. I don't peg it all over me shagging house, do I, dickhead?

- Get out of my house. - Have you found owt?

- Nothing in the freezer. - Shit.

Them farmers are not fucking about. They're gonna hurt our mate.

- Where's that jizz? - [mobile pings]

- Vin. - What the…

Oh, fuck! There's only you and that fucking snapper

know where that jizz was kept. It doesn't take a genius...

The fuck?

Mind my shoes. You spat on my dick a bit.

You've ruined my feature, walked me out to the woods

like some dog to be put down.

You drugged them, you robbed them. You deal with the consequences.

- How do you know we drugged 'em? - Well, I…I…

[Vinnie mimics stutter] Shut the fuck up! Where's that jizz?

Everyone fuck summat up. Grab summat pink and just fucking…

Yes, Ashley! Go on, boy.

[toy squeaking]

Okay, okay, okay!

- Don't touch it. - Just hurry the fuck up

before they drown our mate in pig shit.

Dickhead, what's that?

- Why would I look in a garage? - Nice one.

There's summat doing my head in. The freezer where they kept the jizz,

- how did you know the code for that? - Guesswork. It was 1-2-3-4.

You fucking said that. I said that.

Can we get on with it?

Now, it needs handling carefully.

If it's allowed to get warm, the whole lot will be ruined.

- So, you boys be careful. - Need to be careful with it.

- [all shout out] - Oh, shit.

Fuck off, Lesley. What the fuck? What have you done that for?

- You've killed my mate. - You've fucked us.

I'm gonna fucking go apeshit.

What are all these fucking gloves about, Lesley?

You fucking…

I think I might have just come up with a plan B.

You're going nowhere, you fucking nightmare. This is too gloopy.

We need to whisk it more. Water. Put some water in it, you knobhead.

- What the fuck's that? - That is my plan B.

What the fuck's that out of, a shrew?

Give me six and a half minutes and I'll get you some more.

Fuck me, you better hurry up. Come on, put some out, bud.

- Guys, come on. - Whisk then! Whisk!

- I'm whisking. - Whisk it like your life depended on it.

["Cool Jerk" playing]

Shit.

You all right? We've, er…

got your jizz here. What are you doing?

- Got your semen. - You're late.

I know, but we sent you a text, didn't we? Did you not get it?

Yeah, we got it but, you know, a deadline's a deadline.

Yes, it is. We're fucking here now though. Do you want the jizz or not?

Course we do. But you see, you've caused us a lot of trouble.

I mean, look at my fucking eyes! They're still tingling.

All right. 'Ey, lads. Lads.

- [panicked shouts] - [air hisses]

- Out the van! - All right.

Fuck.

- Clothes off. - What? Come on.

You drugged and sprayed us. You're not tricking us a third time.

And you're fucking late.

So I want it all off. Underpants an' all.

- Clothes off now! - Willies out on a farm?

- Do you wanna see your mate again? - [guns cock]

Get your hogs out. Just get 'em out.

- [Dylan] It's fucking freezing. - [JJ] Fuck, bro.

[Vinnie] JJ, come on.

It's like some weird '70's porno this, in't it? [chuckles]

[Vinnie] Fuck, it's cold.

- He's a big lad, in't he? - Yeah, he is a big lad.

He's known for that… Fucking… Where's Cardi?

- Check the semen. - Can't get my fucking trousers off.

[Vinnie] Nippy, in't it?

- Is it good? Is it all there? - It's a funny colour.

- How do we know you haven't swapped that? - With what?

What would we switch it with in this time, eh? Our own?

- Ridiculous. - Fine, but we'll be testing it, yeah?

And if that is not film-star splat… [chuckles]

I'll be coming after every single one of you

with a fucking scythe.

- What's a scythe? - I have no idea.

Come on, then. Why does he never say owt?

- Right. Here's your fat friend. - Oh, lads.

[Vinnie] Cardi, you all right, love?

Mind them pigs. Come on, love. You all right?

Good lad. Dude, dude, dude.

- Fucking touching. - They said they were gonna

t-throw me in the fucking slurry pit.

- Well, we're fucking here now, aren't we? - Let's go then.

Oh, for fuck's sake.

- [Tommo] You're joking. - [Vinnie] Fucking hell.

- Go on then, fuck off. - Nice jacket that.

They were designer, them.

This is fucking Jim, this. Candy from a fucking baby.

I should have stayed in t'nick.

Get in.

- Did you get bummed? - No, I didn't get fucking bummed, dude.

Get in the van.

- [Tommo] We'll have some chips. - [Vinnie] Let's get radio on.

Sorry about the trouble! All right.

[mutters]

[Tommo] Do you want chips, Cardi?

[Cardi] Who's gonna go in? We're all naked.

Mr McCann.

Hello.

My name's Erin.

I'm a friend of Vincent O'Neill's.

And?

I've got a proposal.

- It's me mum. She's dead, Vinnie. - We want our money.

- Get him! - Jesus.

If you're looking for a free funeral, you can go fuck yourself!

No way, nada, nein, nicht.

[Vinnie] I'm burying his mam with dignity.

Amazing knees.

- Dickhead. - They're smashers.

There's not a thing on this list we won't have done.

- Buried at sea? - Fuck.

- [shrieks] - No, we've got a situation!

- We have got a situation as well! - Don't fucking come in here!

[shrieks]

♪ I got so much trouble in my mind ♪

♪ I got so much trouble in my mind ♪

♪ I got so much trouble in my mind ♪

♪ I got so much trouble in my mind ♪

♪ Give me the strength to carry on ♪

♪ Give me the strength to carry on… ♪