Original subtitles

Francesca.

Francesca.

[in Italian] Wait.

You look incredible.

Get your hands off me!

Francesca, here I come!

Wait for me!

Easy, take it easy, sir.

Get your hand off me!

Francesca.

I am coming to you.

My dearly beloved.

Darling.

My sweet darling.

Hurry, hurry!

My jacket. My jacket.

My vest. My vest.

So beautiful.

My bow-tie. How do these damn suspenders work?!

So beautiful. I need scissors.

Francesca.

Francesca.

Oh!

One second.

This devilish collar.

I am coming to you.

Pants. Pants.

You are so beautiful. Oh!

Oh! Oh! Ooh!

[crash]

Hello?

I need a doctor, immediately.

Yes, please.

[motor vehicle approaching]

[chuckles]

[in English] Operator?

[in Italian] Hello?

I need a number in Nice.

Nice. France.

[Baby in English] Nicky? [Nick] Hmm?

[Baby] When are we going to get married?

[Nick] What?

[Baby] I said, when are we going to get married?

[Nick] Oh, oh. Soon. Soon, Baby. Soon.

[Baby] How soon, Nicky?

[Nick] Well-- [phone ringing]

[Nick] It must be the phone. [Baby] You're joking.

[ringing]

[Nick] Hello. Parker!

It's-- it's Parker. Yeah, yeah.

Hello, Parker.

Well, sir, it appears that events have moved

a little more rapidly than we'd anticipated, sir.

You're kidding. When?

About ten minutes ago, to be precise, sir.

Look, there's a plane leaving from Nice at 4:00.

Shall I make reservations?

Yes, by all means.

I'll pack immediately.

Oh, not again.

Mm-hmm. Well, goodbye, Parker.

[Parker] Bon voyage, sir.

Right. Pip-pip, old boy. [chuckles]

Hmm.

You know, it's a funny thing. What?

Every time I mention marriage,

the phone rings.

Yeah, that is a funny thing, come to think of it.

Mm-hmm. [chuckles]

I swear to you, Baby. This is it.

I won't need that. Where are my shirts?

If I can make this score,

we'll have so much money

we won't be able to count it, we'll have to weigh it.

Always running off someplace.

Well, I've got to be working.

By the way, have you seen my shirts?

How else am I gonna keep you accustomed

to what you're not accustomed?

Well, it's like living with a sailor. How would you like it?

I don't know. I never lived with a sailor. Where are my shirts?

You made a lot of promises, Nick.

I know, but these are sweaters. I want shirts.

Shirts? Shirts. That's right.

Nicky. Mm-hmm.

If you don't marry me before you go,

I won't be here when you come back.

These are nice. But these aren't shirts. These are ties.

Did you hear what I said?

Yes, I heard everything you said. Everything.

Where are my shirts?

Nicky, am I such a lousy proposition?

Not at all.

You're terrific, and I'm nuts about you.

But these are shorts.

What I want are shirts.

[adventurous music playing]

Didn't you see the red light back there?

Oh, when you've seen one red light...

you've seen them all. You've seen them all.

Yeah. Porter?

Nick. Yeah?

I love you.

I love you, too, Baby.

Goodbye.

[in French] BagageS, monsieur? Mm-hmm.

[in English] For Rome? Mm-hmm.

Goodbye.

I'll be waiting for you.

Take care.

Look out for red lights.

Bye.

[Nick] The fundamental requirements of a high-class con man

are that he should be personable,

well-dressed, amiable, well-mannered,

good-looking, attractive to women,

and utterly without conscience or scruples.

I'm glad to say that I fill that bill to the letter.

My name is Nick Johnson,

Crombie, O'Hara, Stark,

or when the occasion arise, Schwartz.

I am, by profession, a lady killer.

Women have played a big part in my life

as far back as I can remember,

even back in the orphanage when I was a kid.

Come on.

Come on.

Stop it, Joe.

[indistinct chatter]

I'll take that.

Cut it out!

Cut it out, Sam.

Hi, Gladys. Nicky, give me that cigarette.

You want a puff? No, and don't call me Gladys.

OK, OK. See you later, sweetheart.

[Nick] I was what you might call a professional orphan.

The business of selecting one's parents seemed to me

a matter requiring considerable care,

so I was prepared to take my time.

The first of every month, prospective parents would come and look us over.

Most of them, I wouldn't have trusted with a dog,

let alone a delicate, sensitive child like me,

until one day...

There she was.

Lovely, lonely, and loaded.

And you, Nick. Back in line.

How are you, darling?

[indistinct chatter]

Well, isn't that nice?

Oh. Here's a charming young man.

Hello, son.

Mmm! Oh!

[Gladys] Sam.

Bob.

Well.

And what's your name, young man?

Nicolas, ma'am.

Nicolas. Yes, ma'am.

That's a nice name.

[Gladys] This is Mrs. Waldorf.

How do you do, Mrs. Waldorf?

And how old are you, Nicolas?

Sixteen years old, ma'am.

Sixteen. Well...

Boy, what a--

Gladys. Did you see?

Yeah. Yeah.

And what's your name, young man?

Johnny, ma'am. Johnny.

[Miriam] And how old are you, Johnny?

[Gladys] Stand up straight, dear.

[Johnny] Fourteen, ma'am. [Miriam] He's 14.

I've been here since last June, ma'am.

Excuse me.

Why? What is it, young man?

You dropped your purse.

Well, now, there's an honest little fellow.

Here, sonny.

Here's a dollar for yourself.

Oh, no. No, ma'am. No.

Why, what is it, my boy?

It's... it's charity.

All my life I've had to get charity. [sobbing]

I'm just getting tired of getting charity.

I've never had a place of my own.

[unintelligible]

Oh, you'll love the house, Nicky.

It's a beautiful house.

It's by the ocean,

and there are boats. You like boats?

And we have grass and a dog

and all sorts of things.

And you must call me Aunt...

Aunt Miriam.

Aunt Miriam.

[Nick] Aunt Miriam took me to her bosom

like a long lost child.

[music plays]

A kindly soul, she lived in a world

of faded elegance and gentility.

From her late husband, a naval officer and a goodly man,

she had inherited gentleness...

sweetness...

kindness...

and $100,000,

which was to make life appreciably more agreeable for the both of us.

Surprise, my dear, on your first day here.

Oh, thank you.

You're welcome.

Oh, let me, Aunt Miriam.

[music stops]

[Nick] Aunt Miriam's great delight

was to play the harp and sing.

For a few months at least,

we shared a life of peaceful tranquility.

And...

[clears throat]

♪♪ Pale hands I love ♪♪

♪♪ Beside the Shalimar ♪♪

♪♪ Where are you now? ♪♪

♪♪ Who lies beneath ♪♪

♪♪ Your spell? ♪♪

♪♪ Whom do you lead ♪♪

♪♪ On rapture's Roadway far-har ♪♪

♪♪ Before you agonize them ♪

♪♪ In farewell? ♪♪

♪♪ Before you agonize them ♪

♪♪ In farewell ♪♪

♪♪ Pale hands I love ♪♪

♪♪ Beside the Shalimar ♪♪

♪♪ Where are you now? ♪♪

♪♪ Where are you ♪♪

♪♪ Now? ♪♪

The Nightingale.

"In china, as you well know,

the emperor is Chinese,

and all around him are Chinese also.

Now, what I'm about to tell happened many years ago."

[dog yelps] "But that very..."

And a Merry Christmas, Nicolas.

Thank you, auntie.

And a happy new year.

Babe Ruth's my favorite.

Nicolas.

[Nick] It was the story of my life,

whenever I had it made, something would always go wrong.

What are you looking at?

Uh, a dredger.

A dredger? Mmm.

What are they dredging for, Nicolas?

They're dredging for mud.

Good grief. What anyone would want

with a boatful of mud I can't imagine.

Come along, Nicolas.

♪♪ Time for tea ♪♪

[Nick] There was something about that dredger that had me worried.

[ship honking]

♪♪ Take thou this rose ♪♪

♪♪ This little tender rose ♪

I'm sorry.

♪♪ Likewise, I'm sure The sweetest flower ♪♪

♪♪ In all god's garden fair-- ♪♪

[knock on door]

Now, who on earth can that be?

I'll get it.

If it's not an impertinence, ma'am,

but was that your charming voice

I had the pleasure of hearing just now?

Well, yes, it was.

Beautiful. Beautiful.

Oh. A nautical gentleman.

How exciting.

Captain Daniel O'Flannery, ma'am,

master of the coastal dredger

number 706, New York harbor board, at your service.

Look, do I have to stand here all-day listening to your blathering?

Shut your gob, you lout.

'Tis fresh water we're needing, ma'am,

for washing and the like.

There's a well around the back.

A well at the back?

You heard the lady. Get going.

I hope we didn't disturb you, ma'am.

Gracious, no.

Perhaps you'd care to step inside.

Well, thank you, ma'am. Thank you kindly. Beautiful.

We were just about to have some tea.

Tea, is it?

Well, that's something I've always been meaning to try.

♪♪ La la la la la la ♪♪

This is our best view.

Lovely things you've got here, ma'am.

Now I'll get a chance to see things. [unintelligible]

Captain?

Captain, this is my late husband.

[Daniel] A handsome man.

Oh.

Would you care to have some tea?

A cup of tea, ma'am?

[boing]

♪♪ La la la la ♪♪

Milk? Sugar?

[Nick] The captain fired a broadside

that hit Aunt Miriam square amidships.

Ooh!

[knocks on door]

Here you are, me darling.

[Nick] Days of tranquility had come to an end.

That happy intimacy

that existed between Aunt Miriam and myself

was no more.

Get out, you!

I brought you something else, darling.

I brought you something else.

Tell me, darling, did you miss me while I was away?

[boing]

[Miriam] I can't imagine what it could be.

[indistinct chatter]

[indistinct chatter continues]

Oh! Captain, how wonderful!

Oh, how marvelous!

I love it. To your health.

[indistinct]

[Miriam] Oh, how lovely.

[Nick] I knew then that if peace was going to reign once more,

the good captain had to go.

[Danial] Sheepshead bay!

The East Mill Basin!

The Battery by moonlight.

I'll show them all to you.

I'll show them all to you.

Just say the word, me lovely lady,

and we'll splice the main brace together. Woo-hoo. Woo-hoo.

Come and save a place for me.

Come, me darling. Say goodbye to your lover.

Oh, captain.

Goodbye, sweetheart. Goodbye. Goodbye.

Take care of yourself.

Goodbye.

Goodbye, captain.

Farewell, me darling.

Farewell. Farewell.

Goodbye.

Farewell, my brave seafaring man.

Come back soon. Oh.

Goodbye.

Oh!

Goodbye.

Oh.

[Nick] It was fitting that in the tradition of the sea,

the gallant captain stayed with his ship to the bitter end.

[wailing]

But peace did not return to auntie's house.

The distress signals were u, and she was sinking fast.

If only I could have gone with him.

If only he had not left me alone.

[sobbing]

♪♪ Last night as I lay On my pillow ♪♪

♪♪ Last night as I lay On my bed ♪♪

♪♪ Last night as I lay On my pillow ♪♪

♪♪ I dreamed that my Bonnie ♪♪

♪♪ Was dead ♪♪

♪♪ Bring back ♪♪

[slurp]

♪♪ Bring back ♪♪

[slurp]

♪♪ Oh, bring back My Bonnie to me ♪♪

♪♪ To me ♪♪

♪♪ Bring back ♪♪

♪♪ Bring back ♪♪

♪♪ Oh, bring back my Bonnie ♪

♪♪ To me ♪♪

♪♪ Oh, bring back ♪♪

♪♪ Bring back ♪♪

♪♪ Oh, bring back my Bonnie ♪

♪♪ To-- ♪♪

Aah!

[Nick] Auntie was reunited with her beloved captain,

leaving me the house and $50,000,

for which consideration I was forever in debt.

What's the, uh, what's the villa like?

I think you'll be delighted, sir.

Good.

They certainly are a warm people.

Welcome to Rome, sir.

[laughs]

I trust madam's in the best of health, sir?

Uh, bursting.

Bursting with it.

How exhausting for you.

Yes. Quite exhausting, I must say.

Did you wire the bank? Yes, sir.

I had 50,000 Swiss francs transferred

to the local bank this morning, sir.

50,000?

This looks like a big operation.

What's left?

$10.58.

Not enough for good cigars.

Not even cheap ones, sir.

Now, then, here's your passport and driving license.

You'll find all your life history typed out there.

Right. "Nick Johnson, Philadelphia millionaire.

Hotels, oil wells, and airlines."

Yes, sir. Very good, Parker.

What would I do without you?

I tremble to think, sir.

Yeah, so do I.

Very nice. Very nice, indeed.

Glad you like it, sir. Mm-hmm.

Now, where's this villa? The Villa Rienzi, sir?

Yes. Down there.

Oh, there it is.

Nice and close.

Excellent, Parker. Excellent.

[Parker] I estimate the current value of the property

at around 8 million lire.

Holdings in Persian oil, sir, $5,000.

Government stock, $750,000. That's free of tax, of course.

Then there's marine holdings, $500,000.

Real estate interests, $700,000.

That's quite a pad.

Yes, sir. Italian baroque. Very nouveau riche.

Mm-hmm.

Now, then, allowing for taxes, death duties, and other sundries,

I'd say the late count's estate

was in the neighborhood of $10 million, sir.

That's a nice neighborhood. [chuckles]

OK, so the contessa gets all the money. Are there any relatives?

There's no close relative. A brother-- Maximillian.

He's not gonna like it, but there's not much he can do about it.

Well, we know what he can do about it.

He wouldn't like that either.

[both chuckle]

Here we are, sir.

Parker, if we can... Yes, sir.

...pull off this job,

we'll be able to retire for life.

Yes, indeed, sir.

A penthouse in Manhattan.

A little pub in Essex.

Francesca de Rienzi, sir.

Born Naples, 1933. Maiden name Francesca Gottini.

Relatives? No relatives.

What's the background? Working class, sir.

Worked in a laundry. Hotel maid.

Matter of fact is, that's where she met the count.

So, she took his breakfast at the bed one morning,

stayed for lunch, as you might say.

How long were they married? Hour and 40 minutes.

When's the funeral? Day after tomorrow, sir.

What took him so long? In this hot weather,

they can't lie around too long.

Very sad, isn't it?

Married at 3:00, stone-cold dead by 5:00.

Hardly worthwhile leaving the church.

What about the contessa?

Yes, sir. Oh, she's rich, young, beautiful, and likes money.

Mm-hmm. Anything else?

Yes, sir. She also likes dancing, swimming, and water skiing.

Ah, the active type. She drives fast cars.

With hostilities towards the male sex.

Oh, strong personality, sir.

Well, then, we gonna have to be manly, virile, and all that.

Yes, sir. Sir, she's got a private library

consisting of books by Balzac, Cocteau, and Frud.

Frud?

Yes, sir. Frud, sir.

That's Freud.

Freud. Thank you, sir.

Anything else?

No, sir. That just about covers it, sir.

That's it? That's it, sir.

Oh, I see. What am I supposed to do?

Knock on the door and say, "I'm here to steal your money"?

Hardly. Hardly.

I mean, we have to have some approach.

So, what do you suggest?

Uh...

What about the routine, "I've always admired your house,

and I'd like to do a painting of it"?

Oh, I know.

"I was born here, and I'd like to see me old nursery."

Nah.

Wait a minute, sir. There is one angle

that's got distinct possibilities.

What is it?

Whilst keeping a close observation on the premises,

it came to my attention that there was going on

what I can only describe as...

a little bit of hanky-panky. You're kidding.

No, sir. Really. As a matter of fact, sir,

it's coming up to hanky-panky time now.

The downstairs French windows, sir.

Downstairs French windows.

What is that?

It's your foot, sir.

Oh.

So much for the hanky. Uh-huh.

Now for the panky.

The inevitable lover, sir.

Who is he? Romano, sir. Her chauffeur.

A touch of the lady Chatterley, I fear.

The situation has distinct possibilities, Parker.

Romano. [in Italian] Yes?

A telegram. [in English] For me?

[in Italian] Yes.

Maledetta sfacciata!

Ti ammazzo!

[in English] Cor blimey, sir. He went off a bit sharpish.

What'd you put in that telegram, anyway?

Only that his wife in Milan was expecting a baby.

Oh, he didn't seem very pleased about it.

Well, I'm not surprised. He hasn't been in Milan in 12 months.

Oh.

Now, don't forget, sir. Once inside, it's left across the lounge,

upstairs, and the first door on the left.

Got it. Anything else?

No, sir, that's it.

Good luck, sir.

Romano?

[in Italian] Yes.

Has anyone seen you?

Yeah. Yes?

Ehm, no!

Ahh.

Darling.

Yes.

Mmm...

I have been waiting for you for so long. Yes.

My beautiful Romano. Oh, yes!

[bell chimes]

Romano?

[telephone rings]

[ring]

Hello?

Yes, Milan.

Thank you.

[Romano] Francesca. My love,

I am here in Milan.

Who's this?

It's Romano. Yes, Romano.

Romano?

[in English] But...

[bell tolls]

[priest praying in Latin]

[praying in Latin]

[Nick] There's probably no more vulnerable animal than a woman

whose curiosity has been aroused.

Lesson one, from How To Catch Women Without Really Trying,

by Nick Johnson.

It was curiosity that hookd my first wife... Gigi.

I first saw Gigi in the casino at Cannes.

I was down to my last 50 francs,

and as all the loot was at the casino,

it seemed the obvious place to be.

Not that I'm a gambler by nature.

The last way to make money in a casino is to play the tables.

As soon as I saw her,

I knew she was for me.

Martini, huh?

Ah, you were lucky, weren't you?

Would you like a drink? What would you like?

Martini.

Martini, huh?

Bartender, two martinis.

What's your name? Gigi.

My name's Nick.

Why are we whispering?

I have terrible laryngitis.

Oh, you probably got a chill

from all the ice. Salut.

Thank you.

[in French] Darling, wanna play with us?

Wait a second.

[in English] He's such a bore.

All night, he plays on the table.

I love a man who plays all night, but not on the table.

[chuckles]

My Alfa Romeo is parked outside.

It's gold. Wait for me.

Uh, maybe I ought to tell you

how I picked those numbers at the roulette table.

No, on second thought, I won't.

[moaning]

Oh, yes.

[Nick] Gigi and I were married in true Hungarian style.

[plays gypsy music]

Her four ex-husbands said goodbye,

as did her four children.

[speaking Hungarian] Now, Eszterházy Ilonka Katarina Mária,

and Nicholas Miklós Johnson,

pronounce you married!

Give me the knife!

Let this blood contract be a seal

of your fidelity and constancy.

Good luck!

[in English] Oh, good morning, sir.

Good morning.

[humming]

Cream, sir?

No, thank you, uh...

The name's Parker, sir. Parker. Parker, huh?

[shouting] Nicky? Nicky, where are you?

What the hell is that?

That's madam, sir. What?

I think we're back to normal. Will you excuse me?

Certainly. [Gigi] Nicky! Nicky, darling,

Oh, Nicky, I have such wonderful news.

Isn't that wonderful?

Isn't that simply wonderful?

Wh-what's wonderful?

My voice. I woke up this morning and I can talk again.

Oh, my darling. There are so many things I want to tell you.

Oh, I love you. I adore you.

And I'm so hungry. Parker! Parker!

Yes, ma'am? Please bring me some eggs,

some toast, some coffee, and some Hungarian salami.

Oh, I love you, my darling.

And Parker, also bring me some black bread and some green pepper.

Oh, my darling, you must be starving, too, aren't you?

Parker, bring us some sausages, some cheese, and apples.

Oh, no. Parker, on second thought, I changed our minds.

Just bring us two grapefruits and some coffee.

It's not healthy to eat so much, darling. One has to be healthy.

You know, my second husband, he used to practice yogi.

He used to sit on the floor the whole day...

Here you are, sir. Get this down you.

[Gigi] ...just thinking, just thinking.

Mind you, every night, I used to find out what he was thinking about.

Darling, it's the most wonderful honeymoon I ever had.

What about you?

Oh, you must listen to this.

This is the most fantastic letter.

I got it from my girlfriend Ingrid.

She's charming. You'll adore her.

We went to finishing school together.

Of course, she finished much before I did.

Imagine, she just married her third millionaire.

She's such a simple girl.

But then my mother said it's only simple girls

who really get the millionaires.

Nicky, do you know what day it is today?

It's our wedding anniversary.

We are married a whole day.

That's the trouble with you men.

You never remember any anniversaries.

Wasn't it a beautiful wedding?

You can't say I talked you into it,

because I couldn't even talk.

Darling, I don't know anything at all about you.

Tell me a little bit about yourself.

Have you ever been married? Whoops.

Don't even tell it to me. I only going to be jealous.

Parker! Parker! Please bring me some more champagne.

Nicky? Oh, he went for a swim.

What a wonderful idea. I'm coming, my darling.

Nicky, wait for me.

[gurgling] It's the simple girls who get the millionaires.

And mother is always right.

Wait until you meet her. You'll adore her.

Nicky. Nicky, darling, wake up!

Do you know what time it is in Rio?

It's 4 o'clock in the morning, in Rio, nobody ever sleeps.

They dance and sing the whole day and the night.

They have so much fun, darling.

Oh, Nicky--

How can you sleep with that silly thing over your head?

Darling, I have the world's greatest idea.

Why don't you and I fly to Rio tomorrow morning?

We'll have so much fun. I introduce you to the most wonderful people.

[sirens]

[Nick] It seemed I had married some kind of a...

celebrity.

It was something of a relief

the day she was invited to Germany

to open the new NATO rocket site.

[in German] Welcome. Thank you. Good Morning.

[in English] We have to hurry. We don't have much time.

How many husbands have you had?

You mean apart from my own?

[speaking German]

You do speak German? No.

Oh, I'm sorry. As I was saying...

[reporter] Why did you divorce your last husband?

I needed the closet space.

[speaking German]

Yoo-hoo, Nicky.

[indistinct chatter in German]

This giant is powered by 51 rocket engines,

with a combined thrust of 40,000 pounds.

Isn't it amazing?

Nicky, how exciting. I say,

you've such a charming wife. Thank you.

You're a very lucky man, Mr. Lamour.

Thank you, corporal. Forget it. Hmm?

[speaking German]

Oh, I never have been so high.

I'm sorry, Miss Lamour, but we must hurry.

This is my first missile.

It's noisy in here.

Oh, it's nice.

Excuse me.

I'd like you to meet Herr Gunter, our chief technician.

[speaking German] Nice to meet you. Oh that's...

Oh, excuse me.

Well, you've gone right to the top, Mr. Lamour.

Watch it. Step out here.

This is the nerve center, you might say.

Get out of the way.

It's the brain, as you might call it. Step right in.

There you are, darling. What happened to you?

The elevator was a little slow.

This is going all the way to the moon.

[alarm sounds]

[technician] It's time for everyone to go.

We've got to go. The missile's off.

Hurry. Hurry. I have to put on some make-up.

Gigi.

Gigi, we have 20 seconds.

The warning light has gone off.

I should have never brought this hat.

It's time to go.

It looks wonderful.

Gigi, not now. Not now.

[speaking German]

Gigi, will you hurry up?

Darling, tell them one moment.

I'll wait in the elevator, all right?

Nicky! Nicky, where are you?

Open the door, Nicky.

Don't-- don't panic!

Nicky, please open the door.

Can you hear me? Nicky, are you there?

[banging]

[operator] Attention. Attention.

[speaking German] Two minutes.

[corporal in English] Mr. Lamour!

Mr. Lamour, please, we must hurry. We haven't got much time.

Unless you want to go up with the rocket, too.

[laughter]

Nicky, if you don't open the door, I never speak to you again.

Nicky?

[siren wailing]

[operator in German] Ten,

nine, eight,

seven, six,

five, four,

three, two,

one, fire!

Well, that ought to make them reds sit up and take notice.

Excuse me, sir. Where's madam, sir?

Parker, come here.

[whispering]

Where's your charming wife?

She went to the ladies room.

[in German] Goodbye. Goodbye.

Schnell!

Hans? Ja?

Was ist dis?

[Gigi in English] Darling! Darling! Darling!

Darling! Darling! Darling!

Darling! Darling! Darling!

[Nick] With Gigi safely in orbit,

it dawned on Parker and me that we'd stumbled onto a terrific little racket.

Like all professionals, we took our vocation very seriously.

No, nothing in here. Oh, uh, sir...

Hmm? How about her, sir?

No, not at all. Are you kidding? That's terrible looking.

Oh, what about her, sir?

She's worth a couple of million.

I like the mother better. [chuckles]

Here we go.

What do you know about Fenton, Fenella Fenton?

Oh, the Fentons, sir. Oh.

Extremely high-class English family, sir.

[Nick] My second wife, the honorable Lady Fenella Fenton,

had more class than a Kentucky thoroughbred.

Her father, the late Lord Fenton,

died on a Monday, leaving his daughter everything.

Parker and I arrived in England on Tuesday.

Good morning, Fenella. Hello, Boopy.

Fenella, you are brutish.

I called you four times last week.

Did you, darling?

You know I'm potty about you.

Are you, darling? How lovely for you.

Who's that young man over there?

Super morning, what?

Hello.

What a divine young man.

Some gate-crasher, I should think.

I think he's quite divine.

[trumpeting]

[dogs barking]

[whistles]

[whistles]

[whistles]

Tally-ho!

[man 1] Whoa! [man 2] whoa!

[man 1] Whoa, there! [man 2] Whoa, there, fellow!

[Fenella] Come back!

[Nick] Tally-ho!

What the devils of matter with the fellow? Is he raving mad?

[Nick] Tally-ho!

Damn it! He's after the fox.

No, that's impossible.

He is! Come on.

Tally-ho.

[man 1] Come on!

[man 2] Hyah!

[man 3] Hyah!

Parker, the fox.

Hello.

[dogs barking]

Caught him by the jolly old brush. Down! Down!

That's the sort of thing a bounder like you would do.

I told you, Fenella, the fellow's an absolute outsider.

I didn't quite catch the name, Mr...

Crombie-- Nicolas Crombie, milady.

I like a man, Mr. Crombie,

who goes after something and gets it.

Thank you.

Call me Fenella.

Thank you. Call me Nicolas.

[Nick] Looking back, I often wonder who got caugh,

me or the fox.

[dog barking and howling]

Oh, Nicky, darling.

Oh, Fenella. [chuckles]

Oh, Fenella. Oh, Fenella, dear.

Fenella...

Oh, Fenella, it's 6:00 in the morning, my dear.

Is it really? Yes, it's really 6:00--

[knock on door] Who is it?

[door squeaking]

The horses have been saddled, milady.

[Fenella] Thank you, Henry.

[door squeaking]

Aah!

Come on, boy. Rise and shine.

Fenella, do you have any idea what time it is?

I always go for a canter at this time of the morning.

Works up an appetite.

Oh. Oh.

♪♪ As I was going To strawberry fair ♪♪

♪♪ Ri-fol ri-fol Tol-da-riddle-ido ♪♪

♪♪ I met a maiden Selling her wares ♪♪

♪♪ Fol-da-di ♪♪

♪♪ Her eyes were blue And golden her hair ♪♪

♪♪ And she walked on To strawberry fair ♪♪

♪♪ Ri-fol ri-fol Tol-da-riddle-ido ♪♪

♪♪ Ri-fol ri-fol Tol-da-riddle-di ♪♪

♪♪ Ri-fol ri-fol Tol-da-riddle-ido ♪♪

♪♪ Ri-fol ri-fol Tol-da-riddle-di ♪♪

Fenella?

Fenella?

Fenella, come here.

Come on, darling, what's the matter? You're not tired, surely?

Oh, no, no, Fenella.

Carry on.

Uhh!

That was fabulous, wasn't it? Fabulous.

There's nothing like a good hard ride

to get you in trim, eh, darling? Yes, quite true.

Oh, Nicky! Oh, Fenella. Fenella.

You can't imagine how much I absolutely adore you.

[gong] I-- I can, Fenella--

Oh, that's breakfast, my dear. They're serving breakfast.

Oh, Nicky, don't be so greedy.

Aah!

Oh! Oh, Fenella.

Thank you, but some grapefruit would be so marvelous.

Besides, the butler kind of likes me, my dear.

You know something, Parker?

I can't take much more of this. I can't.

Oh, good stock, the Fentons, sir?

About as good as you can get. But I'm not as young as I used to be.

Nil desperandum, s. We'll come up with something.

I'd better come up with something. I'll tell you that.

Want a bit more, darling?

No, thank you. Thank you. No.

Here we are, sir. Drink this.

What is it?

An old English remedy, sir.

Salut. Cheers.

Come on, darling. Yes, I'm coming, my dear.

Mount up, sir.

Again?

Up.

Ooh!

Thank you.

You're not a bad horseman, for a chap, that is.

Except you ought to sit up more.

I'd rather lie down, my dear.

Later, darling, later.

[neighs]

Oh, by the way, darling, I signed those papers you gave me.

Smashing. Were they important?

No. Legal documents.

I leave all that sort of thing to you, Nicky, darling.

I don't understand them at all, really.

I'm just a frail little woman.

She's the lone ranger. Come on!

I must say, darling, you seem very nervous this morning.

Oh, no. No, no. No, no.

Well, race you back to the house, then.

No, no, no. Let's go a bit further, shall we?

Well, as long as you're not tired.

Oh, no. Not too tired at all. Why don't we go over there?

Say, I haven't seen that hedge before.

No, neither have I.

It probably grew last night. It rained, you know.

Oh, darling, you are funny.

Right. Right.

Last one over the hedge is a silly ass.

A silly ass, indeed. Whoo-hoo!

[Fenella] Goodbye!

Tally-ho!

[Fenella] Tally-hooooooooo!

[in Italian] You mistress!

[in English] Who's that?

Maximillian, sir, the count's brother.

[man] Ma'am.

Maria? Maria?

[speaking Italian] Yes, ma'am.

[in Italian] Fix me a bath.

[in Italian] Maria, the phone.

Pronto. Dammi il 5-10-20.

Si, grazie.

Coffee, contessa? No, thank you.

More coffee, sir? Thank you, no.

Then shall we have our liqueur in the other room?

It's more comfortable.

You know, Mr. Johnson,

I have the feeling that we have met before somewhere.

Oh?

That we have known each other... intimately.

Intimately? Oh, well, hardly. Mmm.

I mean, uh, let's see. Could it have been St. Moritz?

No. No St. Moritz. No.

Not St. Moritz, huh?

Well, how about Bahamas last winter?

No. Much more recently than that, Mr. Johnson.

More recently than that...

Salut. Salut.

Uh, well, let's see. I wonder where we could've...

Bumped into each other.

I can't say I remember having had the pleasure.

Oh, can't you?

It's Hindu. The goddess of love.

That's why she's smiling and has her eyes closed.

It's 19th century, you know. Very rare. Very--

Tell me, Mr. Johnson,

what were you doing at my husband's funeral this morning?

Well, I was just passing by.

I can't resist a good funeral.

You speak very casually of death, Mr. Johnson.

I approach death as I approach life, with complete indifference.

In Italy, death is very serious business.

For the living, perhaps, but for the dead,

it can be an awful drag.

You seem to forget that I am still in mourning for my husband.

You should wear black more often. It's most becoming.

You are extremely impertinent, Mr. Johnson.

I was very fond of my husband.

He was a nice, kind man, and I loved him.

I loved him very much.

Are you here on business, Mr. Johnson?

No, not business.

You see, I'm retired.

Really? Yes.

I seem a little young to retire,

but I did because I have all these hotels.

Hotels? Mm-hmm.

And then the airlines...

Oh, you own an airlines?

Yes, so I can fly down and see all my oil wells.

Oil wells? Yeah.

Funny thing about oil wells,

always pumping, pumping, pumping.

You are a very attractive man, Mr. Johnson.

Oh, but then, of course, you know that.

Is it any secret to you that you're very beautiful?

You're also very vain, and by admitting it,

you hope to charm me.

Are you sure we haven't met before?

Positive.

Would you mind kissing me again?

My pleasure. Hold this.

I knew it!

You! It was you.

You thief, you interloper, you Cossack!

Francesca, please listen to me. You are to be ashamed.

Taking advantage of a poor widow!

You're not too poor--

Only a man with such a vanity could play such a dirty trick!

But you have to listen to me. No.

Francesca, just listen to me.

The police! I will call the police!

No. There's no reason to call the police.

I have no reason?

Yes, I have a reason to call the police!

Let me ask a question. No!

Well, you haven't let me ask it yet!

Whatever it is, the answer is no!

But, will you please listen to me?

Let me tell you something. In Napoli, where I come from,

such a thing would get you a knife so!

[babbles] Now, Francesca. I want you to calm down and listen to me.

No. You're the most fabulous-looking

woman... Let me go.

I've ever seen in my life. Let me go.

Please.

Will you just listen to me. No!

Let me just explain something to you.

No! No, Nicky! No. Please.

[lightning strike]

We're not in shape at all, are we, sir?

You really must persevere with that wheat germ oil.

All right.

What do we do next? I tell you.

We're going to cool it,

take a trip to someplace,

and keep her guessing.

You certainly know your women.

You're talking to an expert.

I tell you, when I'm through with her,

she won't know whether she's coming or going.

She's going.

What? Look!

Parker, pack the bags. Yes, sir.

The south of France.

The south of France? The south of France!

Parker, what's the matter with you?

Of course, the riviera.

It's simple psychology. Really, sir?

Yeah. Look at it this way.

You're a beautiful dame. Mm-hmm. Right.

Now, you've been engaged to this old bum for months.

Right.

You've been playing it respectable...

Right. Right. Then you marry him.

And bam! Yes?

He drops dead. He drops dead. Right.

This is just what you've been waiting for.

Got this beautiful house, beautiful car,

all this money, all that loot, what would you do?

Buy a little pub in Essex, sir.

Oh, you...

That's it. Go ahead.

There she is, sir.

Book a room. What, here?

It'll cost a fortune. Yes, sir. Book a room!

[in French] See you soon, darling! Sorry.

Sorry.

[Nick in English] Hello, Francesca.

Nicky? What are you doing here?

I'm looking for you.

Oh.

Why'd you run out on me?

What's the matter? Is it the first time a girl ever ran out on you?

Well, as a matter of fact, it is.

What did I do wrong, huh?

Nothing.

Then what's all this about?

What is it, Nicky, your pride?

Maybe.

Just because we spend the night together?

Francesca, you're coming back with me.

No. But you are.

Nicky, please. Please. Will you listen to me--

[in French] What are you waiting for, Francesca?

Let's go to Cannes!

[in English] Francesca, what's going on?

Nicky, please.

I come down here and I catch you hanging--

It's none of your business. Well, of course, it is.

He's old enough to be your grandfather!

[man in French] Please come, Francesca!

I'm coming right away!

[in English] Listen, Francesca, I've got to talk to you.

No! But--

[in French] Je viens tout suit!

[indistinct chatter]

Excuse me, excuse me!

[radio static]

I don't understand it.

A man old enough to be a grandmother.

Ugh. Will you please shut that thing off?

Trying to get the cricket score from London.

Well, then just turn it down--

Gigi over radio] Darling, darling, darling, darling, darling.

darling, darling, darling, darling--

[water splashes]

[waiter] Thank you, Sir.

Thank you.

[waiter] Merci, monsieur.

Oh, sir, sir.

I don't wish to worry you unduly, sir...

Yeah. Alright.

...but we're on the verge of bankruptcy.

Oh, I see. Sure, sir.

The time has come for positive action.

Right. Positive action. Positive action, sir.

Positive. I agree with you.

And what do you think we should we do?

I don't have the faintest idea, sir.

Alright. Tell me what she sees in him.

I can't imagine, sir.

I can't either. If there was something I could do.

Sir, sir. I don't wish to be personal,

but has it never occurred to you to tell the young lady that you love her?

I didn't hear you. It's not difficult, sir.

I love you. I love you, and I want to marry you.

Are you crazy? That's against my principles!

$10 million, sir. I'll do it.

Forget it.

$10 million, sir.

All right. I'll go there.

[disco music playing]

[mouthing] I love you. I...

Hi, Nicky.

Uh, Francesca. Uh... uh... Excuse me, will you?

[stutters] I love you, and I want to marry you.

[Francesca chuckles]

She laughed.

I love you, and I want to marry you.

Oh, oh. Excuse me. Oh.

Excuse me. Francesca, are you going to marry me? Yes or no?

Oh, darling, you are so romantic.

[in French] Oh, come on, Sir!

[in English] Voyons, and drop dead.

[in French] What did he say?

[in English] He told you to drop dead. Yes.

Drop dead. Yes. Yes.

You still haven't answered my question.

Oh, you want an answer. I intend to.

Yes, I do.

I wouldn't marry you if you were the last man on earth.

"Where is the American embassy?

The wheel has come off my car."

[laughter]

Excuse me. Now, look.

I'm not going to take no for answer.

Such conceit!

[man] "You are a scoundrel and a cad, sir!"

Will you beat it? Now, look, I want to marry you.

No! Will you listen to me?

No. You listen to me.

I don't need you. I am free. I have money.

I can do whatever I like.

Go where I like.

"Could you kindly direct me to the toilet?"

Yes. That way.

[indistinct chatter]

What are you doing? Put me down! Let me go!

[blows whistle]

[in French] Let's go!

Please, wait for me!

[in English] Look what you did to my dress!

Teach you to go out with old men!

Arrogant! Arrogant! Arrogant? I'm arrogant?

[indistinct]

How could you come to a place like this with an old man?

Aah!

[in French] Nicolas and Francesca.

[chanting in Latin]

[Baby in English] Will you let me go, please?

[chanting continues]

[Baby] Let me go!

[in Latin] Dominus et cum spiritum tuo...

[in English] Let me get him. I'll kill him!

Not yet, madam.

Take your hands off me, you slimy lackey!

There's no need to be personal.

You're both in this together, you collaborator!

[in French] Sir, what are you doing?

[in English] How do you do?

[in French] With this ring,

With this ring,

I thee wed. I thee wed.

I thee... I thee wed.

Ego con-- Ego con--

You may now kiss the bride.

[in English] You may now kiss the bride.

[in Latin] In nomine...

In nomine patris et filii et spiritus sancti. Amen.

Top.

You wait, you ten-cent bluebeard!

By the time I'm finished with you,

you'll be married to a widow!

[honking]

You've just wet yourself, Parker.

Understandably, madam.

All right, where is he?

Um, I think he went for a swim.

No. I wouldn't if I was you, madam. Madam! Madam!

Now, Baby, don't jump to conclusions. Let me explain.

All right, explain.

So you see, Baby, the poor girl hasn't got long to live at all.

And there's no hope? Terrible. No hope. Nothing.

Isn't it terrible, a young, beautiful girl like that?

How long?

Uh, it can happen any second, any minute, any hour, any day.

Sooner than that, sir. Yes, sooner than--

But isn't there a doctor or specialist?

No. We've checked with every doctor on the continent.

You see, it's these heart conditions.

Yes, these heart conditions.

Parker, it's terrible.

You know, Nicky... Hmm?

You're one of the kindest persons...

Well, to give somebody like that a little happiness for a few days.

Well, I-I think it's wonderful.

It's the least I can do.

You're not in love with her, are you?

Why, you cute little monkey.

Love. Parker...

No, my love. It's... It's more pity than love.

Pity, sir.

Pity.

[Nick] Yes, pity.

Isn't it terrible, how horrible life can be at times?

All the money in the world,

and she's got nothing.

Money?

The countess happens to be

one of the wealthiest women in Italy, madam.

I always knew there was something evil about you, Nicky.

Thank you.

Maybe that's why I'm crazy about you.

But you'd better be telling Baby the truth, darling.

Uh, of course, I am. Don't be silly. Want some sugar?

Bye! Bye, Baby.

[sighs]

Well, sir, I reckon the sooner, the better.

[bell tolls]

Nicky... Hmm?

I have a confession to make to you.

That morning I drove off to the south of France,

I was running away, Nicky.

I was running away because...

I was falling in love with you, and I...

Haven't you ever been afraid of love, Nicky?

Nicky? What's the matter?

Oh, nothing. Nothing.

I'm just enjoying the evening.

Come on. It's getting chilly.

Oh!

Sorry, darling. Did I keep you waiting?

No, no, no. Come on, we better go.

Come on! Wait.

Come on, let's go. We don't have much time.

Hey, what's the hurry?

You'll see. Come on.

[Nick] Come on, my love, we're going to be late. Come on.

[Francesca] Nicky, I'm trying.

Come on, we-- we just have to hurry.

Just wait a second. I have to fix my shoe.

Well, can't you do that later?

We're going to be late. Come on.

Here we are.

Here we are. Now, you stand right there. Don't move.

Hey, look, isn't it beautiful up here?

Uh, yes, it's very beautiful. It's so high.

Darling, I'm so happy.

I'm so happy, too. Now, you just stand right here. Don't move.

Yeah, that's it. Now, hold still.

Hello! Hello!

Hey, look, darling, it's going to strike.

It's going to strike. That's right. It's going to strike.

Don't move. That's it.

Yeah, but just, uh, don't move. Hold it.

That's it. That's very nice.

Back up a little bit. That's it. Yes. That's it.

Terrific, yes.

Now, hold it. No, no, don't move.

That's right. Did you get it?

No, I didn't get it.

Hey, look. Isn't that marvelous? It's cute, eh?

It's very nice, lovely, wonderful.

Goodbye.

Hey, Nick--

Nicky, look out! Look out!

[dings]

Nicky!

Nicky.

Nicky, tesoro.

Nicky, eh, eh?

Signora, so much tragedy in your young life.

It's too loose here.

Ah! There. I remember when your first husband died.

Oh, that's better.

Such a terrible business.

A year later, your second husband.

Nobody so beautiful should have such bad luck.

It's too long, don't you think so?

[in Italian] Yes.

[in English] But to lose a third husband in so short a time...

Mama mia, such misfortune.

Tell me, signora, when did this terrible thing happen?

I thought next Sunday would be as good a day as any.

You and your bright ideas.

Don't worry, sir. I've got even a better one.

Parker, do me a favor-- Leave it to me, sir. Please.

I'll come up with something, sir. Don't worry.

Nicky. Oh, my poor Nicky.

You look so pale.

I feel pale.

Oh, when I think you might have been killed.

[in Italian] My love, poor thing! [in English] Yes, yes, yes.

Now, what you would like to eat?

Well...

I go down and cook your lunch myself.

Good.

[man] Rienzi!

Rienzi!

Rienzi!

Hey!

[in Italian] Yes, Sir.

[in English] Hey!

Hey!

Ahh...

[in Italian] Hey! Hey!

Yes.

Sorry, is this the only taxi?

[in English] I don't think so.

Please, can we lift you to somewhere?

Well, I want to get to the Villa Rienzi.

Rienzi? Coincidence.

We are to go to there. Please, do mount.

Oh, please. Please.

Massimo Grazzini,

but my friends call me Max, eh?

Max. Eh?

May I to present Monsignore Piscali?

[gasps]

Then it's happened. She's gone.

Gone? Who is gone?

The contessa.

And I didn't bring my black dress.

Damn it.

Oh, excuse me. [in Italian] You're excused.

[in English] Please, I not understand.

The contessa.

You're going to the funeral, aren't you?

[in Italian] The Contessa is dead?

I don't know.

[in English] No... no. I think you make a mistake.

The contessa is not dead.

Oh, well, that's just as well.

The black dress doesn't fit anyway.

Hmm. [honking]

Poor woman.

Fancy, any minute, she might go-- just like that.

It's terrible. Yes.

Please, what are you talk about?

The contessa. She has a serious heart condition, you know.

Heart condition?

Bad heart.

Bad-- bad heart?

The contessa? No!

Lis, I tell you something.

The contessa, she got a heart like a rock.

She going to live to 129.

No, I'm sorry.

Somebody has pulled your legs, huh?

Somebody has pulled her legs.

Yeah.

[in Italian] Good morning, sir.

‘Morning, Maria. No, no, here.

No, no, here, over the bed. Here!

No, no, here, over the bed. Here! Over the bed.

Yes. Yes. Be careful.

Oh!

Ahh...

Oh! Sir!

Oh, Miss Maria!

Enjoy your meal, sir.

Thank you. Thanks.

[humming]

Aah!

[in English] A snake!

A snake?

That Parker.

Wait till I see him.

I'll break--

Parker!

Parker?

Park-- Aah!

[thump]

Lay out your coat of darkest black.

The dirty deed will soon be done.

She'll give the ball a mighty whack

and blow herself to kingdom come.

Good heavens! What's occurred? You silly idiot.

You imbecile. Steady on, sir.

I ought to tear off your head

and stuff it down your throat. What did I do?

Snakes in the bed! Snakes in the bed?

Yeah, John on my head.

Sawing the balcony. Sawing the balcony?

I ought to kill you! Kill me?

Yeah. What's the matter with you anyway? Whose side are you on?

I don't have any idea what you're talking about.

Somebody's trying to kill me.

Oh...

She's on to us, you know. Mm-hmm.

What are we going to do?

Have no fear, sir. Parker's here.

Five years in army ordinance wasn't wasted.

Look at that. What do you make of that?

What? That.

That?

It's a red ball.

It's a red ball. That's very good.

Watching very carefully, I hope. Yeah.

Simple, sir, but horribly diabolical.

What's it for?

It's an old English pastime, sir...

Croquet.

Croquet. Croquet.

Aha... Aha...

Now, the game of croquet dates back to the 13th century.

Comes from an old French word meaning Cook or crook.

Yes, sir.

Perhaps you'd allow me to demonstrate, madam.

Place the ball there.

Yes. But don't hit it yet.

Now, I wonder if you'd take your stance,

if you'll forgive the familiarity.

Now, you keep your eye on the ball

and your eye on the hoop.

Slowly draw the mallet back--

But don't hit it yet.

And strike!

[Nick and Parker] But don't hit it yet! [chuckling]

Uh, perhaps you'd like to try it nice and slowly.

We'll start with the count of four.

Four. Starting now.

[Nick and Parker] One...

two...

three...

four!

[horn honks]

Ah, there they are. Stop!

Look at them. That's madam. What's she doing here?

I don't know but get the red ball.

Yes, sir.

Hello, Nicky.

What are you up to? No. What are you up to?

[clears throat] I'd like you to meet my wife Francesca.

This is my cousin. Cousin.

Oh, you can call me Baby. Everyone does.

Yes. Let me show you the place, Baby.

[Max] Hey!

My dear Francesca,

may I to present Monsignore Piscali from the Vatican?

And... My husband.

How do you do? Aha!

Polio. Like the prince of Edinburgh is playing.

Francesca, may I have a word of private, please?

Get the red ball. Yes, sir.

Baby, come here. Croquet.

[in Italian] Such a fun game.

[in English] May I join you?

It is so sad.

Such a big place,

and you all alone.

What a pity there is no children

to share all of this with you.

There is no chance maybe of a little one?

No chance at all. Parker?

Uh, yes, madam? What are you doing?

I'm not doing anything, madam.

You know something?

The contessa doesn't look to me

like she's about to drop dead any minute.

Well, looks can be deceiving.

Unless you're planning to give her a push.

What do you mean by that?

You really shouldn't keep a scrapbook, Nicky.

It's very incriminating.

Excuse me, madam, you've got the wrong ball.

What do you call this game, cricket?

No, madam. Croquet.

[Piscali in Italian] Thank you.

[in English] Get the red ball. Yes.

This is my ball.

Your dear brother died before he even got into bed.

Aha!

[in Italian] What?

[in English] Not consummate.

Not consummate.

Monsignore...

[chuckling]

Monsignore, monsignore.

Would you be so good as to explain?

Ah, yes.

Oh, alas, signora, it is a most unfortunate affair.

Not consummate, eh?

If, in fact, the marriage was not consummated,

as you say, then in both the eyes of the law and ethically,

the marriage is null and void.

Vull and noid.

That is monstrous.

I shall take it to a higher court.

A higher court? Ridiculous, dear lady.

[chuckling]

So I want you and him and everybody

out of my villa in 24 hours.

Max, my husband has more money

than your miserable brother ever had,

so take your villa and your money, eh?

I won't say anything as long as you take care of the contessa.

Sir!

What are you doing, Nicky?

[Baby] If you don't do something about it, Nicky,

I'm going to the police.

Perhaps I didn't prime the detonator correctly, sir.

Perhaps I didn't prime the det--

I'll prime your detonator.

[explosion]

Sounds like we're in for a storm.

Dinner at the usual time, madam?

[Francesca] Yes, please, Parker. Very good, madam.

I, um, love big houses, don't you?

They're so... big.

Yes, well, I don't see no reasons

why you shouldn't live in such a villa, my dear.

[Baby] Oh, I intend to very soon,

don't I, Nicky?

If you will excuse me, I have a headache.

I will see you later, Nicky.

Yes, well, there's one or two things

I've got to look at, if you'll excuse me.

I was watching you just now, Nicky, looking at her.

You wouldn't be thinking of changing your mind, would you?

It's you or her, sir, honestly.

He's right, you know.

Hi.

Oh... hello.

Boy, this place is full of junk, isn't it?

Junk? [chuckles]

Come, I show you.

You see all these etchings?

Well, they alone are worth 80 million lire.

Oh?

That is what? That's, uh, $13,333.

No kidding. Sure.

What are you writing? I make an inventory.

As the new owner of the Villa Rienzi,

I have to check the contents.

As the new what?

Yes, you didn't know.

It's a slight legal misunderstanding.

It's all settled.

I am now the Conte de Rienzi.

This house... [chuckles]

All of this junk, it's all belong to me.

You know something?

No.

You have very beautiful eyes.

You think so?

Here we are, sir. Hmm?

Here's the stuff. Right.

Are you kidding? It's like modeling clay.

Maybe, sir, but once it gets hot, it's crash, bang, wallop,

and shake hands with your Uncle Charlie.

Highly volatile stuff, sir.

Stuck on the engine of her car,

after a couple of miles,

there'll be nothing but her hubcaps left.

See what I mean? Here.

Uh, well... Stick that in your pocket.

Don't worry, sir.

Only don't stand too near a radiator or anything like that.

Or anything like that.

Are you kidding?

Will you want me anymore, sir? Shh!

[in a low voice] Will you want me anymore, sir?

Good night, sir. Good luck.

[nervous laughter]

How's your headache?

Still very bad.

Oh, good. Come on, I'll fix that.

Yes.

You do that so well.

You should take care of yourself.

And you, my darling.

You should look after yourself, too.

You've got very beautiful hair.

When I was little girl, it was very long.

You must have been very beautiful as a little girl.

And you, Nicky, you never grew up, did you?

Makes two of us, doesn't it?

Nicky... I have been very happy with you,

very happy.

One or two eggs, madam?

One, please.

[in Italian] Excuse me, sir.

[in English] One or two eggs, madam?

One. Excuse me.

Little bit more, eh? Protein, very important.

Little bit vitamin, eh? Pretty girl like you. Please...

Thank you. Sit down.

And... eat! Hmm?

Ahem.

Good morning, Nicky. Good morning.

Good morning, sir. Eggs fried or scrambled?

Yes, please. Yes.

Max is going to take me shopping in Rome today.

Aren't you, Max?

Whatever you say, princess. You don't mind, do you?

No, no, not at all.

[Max] You know something? I'm just crazy nuts about your cousin.

Good morning.

[all] Good morning.

A coffee, please. [in Italian] Right away, ma'am.

[in English] Good morning, darling.

Good morning.

Nicky? Hmm?

I was wondering. Would you do a favor for me?

Of course.

My watch, it needs repairing.

I wonder if you'd be kind enough to take it in for me?

Sure.

I don't really have the time, you know.

I have an appointment with the hairdresser at 10:00.

Of course.

Thank you.

I really have to go now.

Excuse me.

[Max snaps fingers] More coffee.

Thank you.

Well, Nicky...

Goodbye.

Goodbye.

[car starts]

The watch.

Oh, the watch.

Here. Patroni in the village.

You can't miss it.

Goodbye.

Goodbye, Nicky.

[adventurous music playing]

Nicky!

Just don't ask questions.

What's happened? Just never mind! Get down!

No, Nicky.

No, darling. Get down!

You--

I couldn't do it. I am sorry, darling.

I couldn't do it either. Oh, darling.

I love you so much. I love you.

I must have been crazy to do such a thing for money.

Darling, will you ever forgive me?

You crazy kid.

I haven't got any money.

You don't have any money?

I haven't got a penny. Isn't that funny?

Haven't got a sou. I've got nothing.

I don't have any money either, you know.

You don't have any money? What about the villa and your husband?

It was all a mistake, my beloved, yes.

A mistake?

No money? Not a nickel, my love.

[both chuckling]

But we have each other, you know.

Yes, we have each other.

Love is better than all the money in the world.

Than the whole world.

[commotion]

Is that all you can do all day, sit around reading magazines?

What do you want me to do?

You could get a job, you know!

Get a job? Why would I want to do a thing like that?

Any other man would go and look for work.

Work? Are you kidding?

I'm sick. I'm not cut out for work.

And I am not cut out

to take in other people's dirty washing!

That's my last bottle of beer!

Why, you--

Oh, that did it!

I should have fixed you when I had the chance.

But, no. I'm stupid. You know what I do?

I have to marry you in a country where there's no divorce.

Don't touch me! Or I'll cut you to pieces!

You know something? See this? To the moon! Pow!

Shut up! Dinner is served, sir.

Surprise. Look what we got for dinner tonight. Spaghetti!

What's the matter with spaghetti?

It stinks! That's what's the matter with spaghetti.

Spaghetti for breakfast, lunch, dinner.

Spaghetti, spaghetti, spaghetti!

I've had it up to here!

Will you cut it out?

Will you get out of here?

[indistinct chatter]

What am I doing? What are you looking at?

Get out of here!

[glass shatters]

[closing theme music]