Original subtitles

AND NOW, FROM THE WHITE

HOUSE, THE PRESIDENT OF THE

UNITED STATES.

GOOD EVENING, MY FELLOW AMERICANS. IN THE PAST, I HAVE GIVEN

AMERICANS. IN THE PAST, I HAVE GIVEN FIRESIDE CHATS.

IN THE PAST, I HAVE GIVEN FIRESIDE CHATS. TONIGHT, BECAUSE IT IS SPRING, I

FIRESIDE CHATS. TONIGHT, BECAUSE IT IS SPRING, I HAVE CHOSEN TO GIVE A PLANTSIDE

TONIGHT, BECAUSE IT IS SPRING, I HAVE CHOSEN TO GIVE A PLANTSIDE CHAT.

HAVE CHOSEN TO GIVE A PLANTSIDE CHAT. I LOVE THE SPRING.

CHAT. I LOVE THE SPRING. EVERYTHING GROWS... PLANTS,

I LOVE THE SPRING. EVERYTHING GROWS... PLANTS, TREES, LITTLE BABY ANIMALS...

EVERYTHING GROWS... PLANTS, TREES, LITTLE BABY ANIMALS... BUT SOME THINGS DON'T.

TREES, LITTLE BABY ANIMALS... BUT SOME THINGS DON'T. SOME THINGS GROW THAT WE DON'T

BUT SOME THINGS DON'T. SOME THINGS GROW THAT WE DON'T WANT TO GROW, LIKE INFLATION.

SOME THINGS GROW THAT WE DON'T WANT TO GROW, LIKE INFLATION. INFLATION IS OUR NATION'S

WANT TO GROW, LIKE INFLATION. INFLATION IS OUR NATION'S NUMBER-ONE PROBLEM, YET MOST

INFLATION IS OUR NATION'S NUMBER-ONE PROBLEM, YET MOST PEOPLE DON'T EVEN UNDERSTAND IT,

NUMBER-ONE PROBLEM, YET MOST PEOPLE DON'T EVEN UNDERSTAND IT, BUT IT'S REALLY QUITE SIMPLE.

PEOPLE DON'T EVEN UNDERSTAND IT, BUT IT'S REALLY QUITE SIMPLE. INFLATION IS CAUSED BY TOO MANY

BUT IT'S REALLY QUITE SIMPLE. INFLATION IS CAUSED BY TOO MANY DOLLARS CHASING TOO FEW GOODS.

INFLATION IS CAUSED BY TOO MANY DOLLARS CHASING TOO FEW GOODS. NOW, THE EASIEST WAY TO GET

DOLLARS CHASING TOO FEW GOODS. NOW, THE EASIEST WAY TO GET MONEY OUT OF CIRCULATION IS TO

NOW, THE EASIEST WAY TO GET MONEY OUT OF CIRCULATION IS TO MAINTAIN HIGH UNEMPLOYMENT SO

MONEY OUT OF CIRCULATION IS TO MAINTAIN HIGH UNEMPLOYMENT SO PEOPLE WON'T HAVE JOBS OR MONEY

MAINTAIN HIGH UNEMPLOYMENT SO PEOPLE WON'T HAVE JOBS OR MONEY TO SPEND.

PEOPLE WON'T HAVE JOBS OR MONEY TO SPEND. THIS IS A PROGRAM MY

TO SPEND. THIS IS A PROGRAM MY ADMINISTRATION HAS ACTIVELY

THIS IS A PROGRAM MY ADMINISTRATION HAS ACTIVELY PURSUED.

ADMINISTRATION HAS ACTIVELY PURSUED. YET INFLATION CONTINUES TO RISE,

PURSUED. YET INFLATION CONTINUES TO RISE, AND SO TONIGHT, I'M PROPOSING A

YET INFLATION CONTINUES TO RISE, AND SO TONIGHT, I'M PROPOSING A NEW PROGRAM, ONE WHICH WILL CALL

AND SO TONIGHT, I'M PROPOSING A NEW PROGRAM, ONE WHICH WILL CALL ON ALL AMERICANS TO SACRIFICE

NEW PROGRAM, ONE WHICH WILL CALL ON ALL AMERICANS TO SACRIFICE ONCE AGAIN, BUT WHICH WILL,

ON ALL AMERICANS TO SACRIFICE ONCE AGAIN, BUT WHICH WILL, HOWEVER, HAVE IMMEDIATE EFFECT.

ONCE AGAIN, BUT WHICH WILL, HOWEVER, HAVE IMMEDIATE EFFECT. I'M ASKING EACH AND EVERY

HOWEVER, HAVE IMMEDIATE EFFECT. I'M ASKING EACH AND EVERY AMERICAN TO TAKE 8% OF YOUR

I'M ASKING EACH AND EVERY AMERICAN TO TAKE 8% OF YOUR MONEY AND BURN IT.

AMERICAN TO TAKE 8% OF YOUR MONEY AND BURN IT. NOW, I KNOW...

MONEY AND BURN IT. NOW, I KNOW... [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

NOW, I KNOW... [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] I KNOW YOU MAY BE SAYING, "WHY,

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] I KNOW YOU MAY BE SAYING, "WHY, THAT SOUNDS CRAZY, JIMMY," BUT

I KNOW YOU MAY BE SAYING, "WHY, THAT SOUNDS CRAZY, JIMMY," BUT IF ALL OF US BURN 8% OF OUR

THAT SOUNDS CRAZY, JIMMY," BUT IF ALL OF US BURN 8% OF OUR MONEY, LESS MONEY WILL BE IN

IF ALL OF US BURN 8% OF OUR MONEY, LESS MONEY WILL BE IN CIRCULATION.

MONEY, LESS MONEY WILL BE IN CIRCULATION. IN NO TIME AT ALL, PRICES WILL

CIRCULATION. IN NO TIME AT ALL, PRICES WILL HOPEFULLY GO DOWN, SO YOU'LL BE

IN NO TIME AT ALL, PRICES WILL HOPEFULLY GO DOWN, SO YOU'LL BE ABLE TO SAVE MORE OF YOUR MONEY

HOPEFULLY GO DOWN, SO YOU'LL BE ABLE TO SAVE MORE OF YOUR MONEY FOR FUTURE BURNINGS.

ABLE TO SAVE MORE OF YOUR MONEY FOR FUTURE BURNINGS. NOW, THE MOST DIFFICULT THING

FOR FUTURE BURNINGS. NOW, THE MOST DIFFICULT THING ABOUT ASKING FOR MUTUAL

NOW, THE MOST DIFFICULT THING ABOUT ASKING FOR MUTUAL SACRIFICE IS WHO WILL SACRIFICE

ABOUT ASKING FOR MUTUAL SACRIFICE IS WHO WILL SACRIFICE FIRST.

SACRIFICE IS WHO WILL SACRIFICE FIRST. SINCE I'M THE PRESIDENT, I FEEL

FIRST. SINCE I'M THE PRESIDENT, I FEEL THAT THE SACRIFICE SHOULD START

SINCE I'M THE PRESIDENT, I FEEL THAT THE SACRIFICE SHOULD START WITH MY OWN FAMILY.

THAT THE SACRIFICE SHOULD START WITH MY OWN FAMILY. AMY?

WITH MY OWN FAMILY. AMY? I HAVE ASKED MY OWN DAUGHTER,

AMY? I HAVE ASKED MY OWN DAUGHTER, AMY, TO BRING DOWN HER SAVINGS.

I HAVE ASKED MY OWN DAUGHTER, AMY, TO BRING DOWN HER SAVINGS. SWEETHEART, HOW MUCH DO YOU HAVE

AMY, TO BRING DOWN HER SAVINGS. SWEETHEART, HOW MUCH DO YOU HAVE IN YOUR PEANUT-BUTTER BANK?

SWEETHEART, HOW MUCH DO YOU HAVE IN YOUR PEANUT-BUTTER BANK? WELL, DADDY, I SAVED $12.50.

IN YOUR PEANUT-BUTTER BANK? WELL, DADDY, I SAVED $12.50. GOOD.

WELL, DADDY, I SAVED $12.50. GOOD. NOW, HONEYBUNCH, CAN YOU FIGURE

GOOD. NOW, HONEYBUNCH, CAN YOU FIGURE OUT WHAT 8% OF $12.50 IS?

NOW, HONEYBUNCH, CAN YOU FIGURE OUT WHAT 8% OF $12.50 IS? SURE, DADDY.

OUT WHAT 8% OF $12.50 IS? SURE, DADDY. 8% OF $12.50 IS $1.

SURE, DADDY. 8% OF $12.50 IS $1. EXACTLY $1, DADDY.

8% OF $12.50 IS $1. EXACTLY $1, DADDY. OKAY, AMY.

EXACTLY $1, DADDY. OKAY, AMY. GIVE ME A DOLLAR.

OKAY, AMY. GIVE ME A DOLLAR. OKAY, DADDY.

GIVE ME A DOLLAR. OKAY, DADDY. YOU KNOW WHAT WE'RE GONNA DO?

OKAY, DADDY. YOU KNOW WHAT WE'RE GONNA DO? WE'RE GONNA BURN THE DOLLAR,

YOU KNOW WHAT WE'RE GONNA DO? WE'RE GONNA BURN THE DOLLAR, DADDY!

WE'RE GONNA BURN THE DOLLAR, DADDY! THAT'S RIGHT, PEANUT-BUTTER

DADDY! THAT'S RIGHT, PEANUT-BUTTER CUP.

THAT'S RIGHT, PEANUT-BUTTER CUP. AND DO YOU KNOW WHY?

CUP. AND DO YOU KNOW WHY? TO FIGHT INFLATION!

AND DO YOU KNOW WHY? TO FIGHT INFLATION! [LIGHTER CLICKING]

TO FIGHT INFLATION! [LIGHTER CLICKING] WE'RE TRYING TO SAVE FUEL

[LIGHTER CLICKING] WE'RE TRYING TO SAVE FUEL HERE AT THE WHITE HOUSE.

WE'RE TRYING TO SAVE FUEL HERE AT THE WHITE HOUSE. TRYING TO SAVE ON BUTANE.

HERE AT THE WHITE HOUSE. TRYING TO SAVE ON BUTANE. YOU'RE A GOOD GIRL, AMY.

NOW, I'M ASKING ALL AMERICANS TO FOLLOW THE EXAMPLE HERE SET TONIGHT.

FOLLOW THE EXAMPLE HERE SET TONIGHT. MONDAY MORNING, GO TO THE BANK

TONIGHT. MONDAY MORNING, GO TO THE BANK AND WITHDRAW 8% OF YOUR MONEY

MONDAY MORNING, GO TO THE BANK AND WITHDRAW 8% OF YOUR MONEY AND BURN IT.

AND WITHDRAW 8% OF YOUR MONEY AND BURN IT. IF EVERYONE COOPERATES, PRICES

AND BURN IT. IF EVERYONE COOPERATES, PRICES MAY NOT GO LOWER, BUT THEY WILL

IF EVERYONE COOPERATES, PRICES MAY NOT GO LOWER, BUT THEY WILL BE ON THEIR WAY TOWARDS

MAY NOT GO LOWER, BUT THEY WILL BE ON THEIR WAY TOWARDS STABILIZING, AND YOU CAN DEPEND

BE ON THEIR WAY TOWARDS STABILIZING, AND YOU CAN DEPEND ON IT.

STABILIZING, AND YOU CAN DEPEND ON IT. DADDY, CAN I SAY IT?

ON IT. DADDY, CAN I SAY IT? WELL, ESKIMO PIE, WE GOT TO

DADDY, CAN I SAY IT? WELL, ESKIMO PIE, WE GOT TO BURN YOUR MONEY, SO WHY DON'T WE

WELL, ESKIMO PIE, WE GOT TO BURN YOUR MONEY, SO WHY DON'T WE LET DADDY SAY IT?

BURN YOUR MONEY, SO WHY DON'T WE LET DADDY SAY IT? OH, PLEASE, DADDY?

LET DADDY SAY IT? OH, PLEASE, DADDY? OKAY, IF YOU REALLY WANT TO

OH, PLEASE, DADDY? OKAY, IF YOU REALLY WANT TO DO IT, FOUR EYES.

OKAY, IF YOU REALLY WANT TO DO IT, FOUR EYES. OH, BOY!

DO IT, FOUR EYES. OH, BOY! LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S

OH, BOY! LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S "SATURDAY NIGHT"!

LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S "SATURDAY NIGHT"! [BAND PLAYS]

Announcer: IT'S...

STARRING...

WITH HIS SPECIAL GUEST...

WITH HOWARD JOHNSON...

JOHN BELUSHI... JANE CURTIN... GARRETT MORRIS...

JANE CURTIN... GARRETT MORRIS... BILL MURRAY...

GARRETT MORRIS... BILL MURRAY... LARAINE NEWMAN...

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, MICHAEL SARRAZIN! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

I'M REALLY HAPPY TO BE HERE. YOU KNOW, AT FIRST, I WAS A BIT APPREHENSIVE TO DO A SHOW LIKE

YOU KNOW, AT FIRST, I WAS A BIT APPREHENSIVE TO DO A SHOW LIKE THIS.

APPREHENSIVE TO DO A SHOW LIKE THIS. I MEAN, I'VE DONE A LOT OF

THIS. I MEAN, I'VE DONE A LOT OF MOVIES, BUT THIS IS A TOTALLY

I MEAN, I'VE DONE A LOT OF MOVIES, BUT THIS IS A TOTALLY DIFFERENT EXPERIENCE FOR ME.

MOVIES, BUT THIS IS A TOTALLY DIFFERENT EXPERIENCE FOR ME. BUT EVERYBODY'S BEEN REAL NICE

DIFFERENT EXPERIENCE FOR ME. BUT EVERYBODY'S BEEN REAL NICE AROUND HERE, EVEN THOUGH A LOT

BUT EVERYBODY'S BEEN REAL NICE AROUND HERE, EVEN THOUGH A LOT OF THEM HAVE BEEN BUSY DOING

AROUND HERE, EVEN THOUGH A LOT OF THEM HAVE BEEN BUSY DOING THEIR TAX RETURNS, AND, WELL,

OF THEM HAVE BEEN BUSY DOING THEIR TAX RETURNS, AND, WELL, NOBODY'S REALLY HAPPY AROUND TAX

THEIR TAX RETURNS, AND, WELL, NOBODY'S REALLY HAPPY AROUND TAX TIME, ARE THEY?

NOBODY'S REALLY HAPPY AROUND TAX TIME, ARE THEY? I'M ALSO A LITTLE BIT NERVOUS

TIME, ARE THEY? I'M ALSO A LITTLE BIT NERVOUS ABOUT DOING THIS SHOW TONIGHT

I'M ALSO A LITTLE BIT NERVOUS ABOUT DOING THIS SHOW TONIGHT BECAUSE APRIL 15th, BESIDES

ABOUT DOING THIS SHOW TONIGHT BECAUSE APRIL 15th, BESIDES BEING TAX DAY, IS THE 66th

BECAUSE APRIL 15th, BESIDES BEING TAX DAY, IS THE 66th ANNIVERSARY OF THE SINKING OF

BEING TAX DAY, IS THE 66th ANNIVERSARY OF THE SINKING OF THE TITANIC.

ANNIVERSARY OF THE SINKING OF THE TITANIC. ANOTHER GOOD OMEN, HUH?

THE TITANIC. ANOTHER GOOD OMEN, HUH? BUT WORST OF ALL, IT'S ALSO

ANOTHER GOOD OMEN, HUH? BUT WORST OF ALL, IT'S ALSO BOOTH DAY.

BUT WORST OF ALL, IT'S ALSO BOOTH DAY. NOW, PROBABLY A LOT OF YOU DON'T

BOOTH DAY. NOW, PROBABLY A LOT OF YOU DON'T KNOW ABOUT BOOTH DAY.

NOW, PROBABLY A LOT OF YOU DON'T KNOW ABOUT BOOTH DAY. APRIL 15th IS THE DAY

KNOW ABOUT BOOTH DAY. APRIL 15th IS THE DAY ABRAHAM LINCOLN DIED.

APRIL 15th IS THE DAY ABRAHAM LINCOLN DIED. HE WAS, OF COURSE, SHOT BY

ABRAHAM LINCOLN DIED. HE WAS, OF COURSE, SHOT BY JOHN WILKES BOOTH...

HE WAS, OF COURSE, SHOT BY JOHN WILKES BOOTH... AN ACTOR.

JOHN WILKES BOOTH... AN ACTOR. YEAH.

AN ACTOR. YEAH. WELL, BOOTH GAVE US ACTORS A

YEAH. WELL, BOOTH GAVE US ACTORS A VERY BAD REPUTATION.

WELL, BOOTH GAVE US ACTORS A VERY BAD REPUTATION. IT'S A SUPERSTITION IN THE

VERY BAD REPUTATION. IT'S A SUPERSTITION IN THE THEATER THAT BOOTH DAY WILL BE A

IT'S A SUPERSTITION IN THE THEATER THAT BOOTH DAY WILL BE A BAD-LUCK DAY IN THE THEATER

THEATER THAT BOOTH DAY WILL BE A BAD-LUCK DAY IN THE THEATER UNTIL A PRESIDENT ASSASSINATES

BAD-LUCK DAY IN THE THEATER UNTIL A PRESIDENT ASSASSINATES AN ACTOR.

UNTIL A PRESIDENT ASSASSINATES AN ACTOR. BUT I THINK WE'RE SAFE.

AN ACTOR. BUT I THINK WE'RE SAFE. I'M JUST KEEPING MY FINGERS

BUT I THINK WE'RE SAFE. I'M JUST KEEPING MY FINGERS CROSSED THAT THIS BOOTH DAY WILL

I'M JUST KEEPING MY FINGERS CROSSED THAT THIS BOOTH DAY WILL BE AN EXCEPTION AND THAT NOTHING

CROSSED THAT THIS BOOTH DAY WILL BE AN EXCEPTION AND THAT NOTHING WILL GO WRONG.

BE AN EXCEPTION AND THAT NOTHING WILL GO WRONG. SO, WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK!

WILL GO WRONG. SO, WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

HI. I'M BEAUTIFUL BUT STUPID, AND I FOUND THE SOAP THAT HELPS ME

I'M BEAUTIFUL BUT STUPID, AND I FOUND THE SOAP THAT HELPS ME STAY THAT WAY.

FOUND THE SOAP THAT HELPS ME STAY THAT WAY. MY HUSBAND SAYS I LOOK NATURAL

STAY THAT WAY. MY HUSBAND SAYS I LOOK NATURAL AND UNSPOILED, AND HE LOVES THE

MY HUSBAND SAYS I LOOK NATURAL AND UNSPOILED, AND HE LOVES THE WAY I NEVER BOTHER HIM WITH MY

AND UNSPOILED, AND HE LOVES THE WAY I NEVER BOTHER HIM WITH MY OPINIONS.

WAY I NEVER BOTHER HIM WITH MY OPINIONS. LET'S FACE IT... GOOD LOOKS AND

OPINIONS. LET'S FACE IT... GOOD LOOKS AND COMPLEX HUMAN EMOTIONS JUST

LET'S FACE IT... GOOD LOOKS AND COMPLEX HUMAN EMOTIONS JUST DON'T MIX.

COMPLEX HUMAN EMOTIONS JUST DON'T MIX. I GUESS THAT'S WHY I USE

DON'T MIX. I GUESS THAT'S WHY I USE ANGORA BOUQUET WITH pH FORMULA

I GUESS THAT'S WHY I USE ANGORA BOUQUET WITH pH FORMULA 23.

ANGORA BOUQUET WITH pH FORMULA 23. ANGORA BOUQUET'S THOUSANDS OF

23. ANGORA BOUQUET'S THOUSANDS OF TINY TRANQUILIZERS PENETRATE

ANGORA BOUQUET'S THOUSANDS OF TINY TRANQUILIZERS PENETRATE YOUR SKIN TO WASH REALITY AWAY

TINY TRANQUILIZERS PENETRATE YOUR SKIN TO WASH REALITY AWAY AND MAKE YOUR MIND AND SKIN AS

YOUR SKIN TO WASH REALITY AWAY AND MAKE YOUR MIND AND SKIN AS CLEAR AS A BABY'S.

AND MAKE YOUR MIND AND SKIN AS CLEAR AS A BABY'S. YOU SEE, ANGORA BOUQUET ACTUALLY

CLEAR AS A BABY'S. YOU SEE, ANGORA BOUQUET ACTUALLY CONTAINS METHAQUALONE, THE SAME

YOU SEE, ANGORA BOUQUET ACTUALLY CONTAINS METHAQUALONE, THE SAME TRANQUILIZING AGENT THAT IS

CONTAINS METHAQUALONE, THE SAME TRANQUILIZING AGENT THAT IS FOUND IN THOSE LARGE WHITE PILLS

TRANQUILIZING AGENT THAT IS FOUND IN THOSE LARGE WHITE PILLS I OFTEN COME ACROSS IN

FOUND IN THOSE LARGE WHITE PILLS I OFTEN COME ACROSS IN BILL JR.'s JEANS POCKETS WHEN I

I OFTEN COME ACROSS IN BILL JR.'s JEANS POCKETS WHEN I DO THE LAUNDRY.

BILL JR.'s JEANS POCKETS WHEN I DO THE LAUNDRY. HONEY, WHY DON'T YOU TRY THIS

DO THE LAUNDRY. HONEY, WHY DON'T YOU TRY THIS OTHER SIDE OF THE RAKE HERE?

HONEY, WHY DON'T YOU TRY THIS OTHER SIDE OF THE RAKE HERE? A LITTLE MORE LEAVES THAT WAY.

OTHER SIDE OF THE RAKE HERE? A LITTLE MORE LEAVES THAT WAY. I GUESS THAT'S WHY MY SOAP IS

A LITTLE MORE LEAVES THAT WAY. I GUESS THAT'S WHY MY SOAP IS ANGORA BOUQUET WITH pH FORMULA

I GUESS THAT'S WHY MY SOAP IS ANGORA BOUQUET WITH pH FORMULA 23.

ANGORA BOUQUET WITH pH FORMULA 23. ANGORA BOUQUET...

23. ANGORA BOUQUET... WITH pH FORMULA 23.

[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS] HEY, SUSIE. I HAVEN'T TOLD MY PARENTS YET,

HEY, SUSIE. I HAVEN'T TOLD MY PARENTS YET, BUT I'VE DECIDED NOT TO GO AWAY

I HAVEN'T TOLD MY PARENTS YET, BUT I'VE DECIDED NOT TO GO AWAY TO COLLEGE NEXT YEAR SO THAT WE

BUT I'VE DECIDED NOT TO GO AWAY TO COLLEGE NEXT YEAR SO THAT WE CAN GET MARRIED.

TO COLLEGE NEXT YEAR SO THAT WE CAN GET MARRIED. OH, JOHNNY!

CAN GET MARRIED. OH, JOHNNY! THAT MAKES ME SO HAPPY!

OH, JOHNNY! THAT MAKES ME SO HAPPY! OKAY, OKAY, QUIET DOWN,

THAT MAKES ME SO HAPPY! OKAY, OKAY, QUIET DOWN, PLEASE, CLASS?

OKAY, OKAY, QUIET DOWN, PLEASE, CLASS? QUIET DOWN.

PLEASE, CLASS? QUIET DOWN. NOW, FOR HOMEROOM, WE HAVE A

QUIET DOWN. NOW, FOR HOMEROOM, WE HAVE A GUEST... MR. JOSH RAMSEY, WHO

NOW, FOR HOMEROOM, WE HAVE A GUEST... MR. JOSH RAMSEY, WHO WAS NICE ENOUGH TO COME OVER

GUEST... MR. JOSH RAMSEY, WHO WAS NICE ENOUGH TO COME OVER FROM THE COUNTY HEALTH CLINIC TO

WAS NICE ENOUGH TO COME OVER FROM THE COUNTY HEALTH CLINIC TO TALK TO US.

FROM THE COUNTY HEALTH CLINIC TO TALK TO US. MR. RAMSEY?

TALK TO US. MR. RAMSEY? THANK YOU, MISS ANDERSON.

MR. RAMSEY? THANK YOU, MISS ANDERSON. I'VE COME TO TALK TO YOU ALL ON

THANK YOU, MISS ANDERSON. I'VE COME TO TALK TO YOU ALL ON A PROBLEM THAT HAS REACHED

I'VE COME TO TALK TO YOU ALL ON A PROBLEM THAT HAS REACHED NEAR-EPIDEMIC PROPORTIONS HERE

A PROBLEM THAT HAS REACHED NEAR-EPIDEMIC PROPORTIONS HERE AT LINCOLN HIGH.

NEAR-EPIDEMIC PROPORTIONS HERE AT LINCOLN HIGH. I'M TALKING, OF COURSE, ABOUT

AT LINCOLN HIGH. I'M TALKING, OF COURSE, ABOUT VENEREAL DISEASE.

Announcer: STARRING

PETER FONDA...

NOW, I HEARD SOME OF YOU GIGGLE

WHEN I SAID "V.D.," AND,

ACTUALLY, THAT'S QUITE NATURAL.

PEOPLE GIGGLE AT THINGS THEY DON'T UNDERSTAND, ESPECIALLY SEX.

DON'T UNDERSTAND, ESPECIALLY SEX. THAT'S RIGHT... SEX, AND IT'S

SEX. THAT'S RIGHT... SEX, AND IT'S VIRTUALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO GET V.D.

THAT'S RIGHT... SEX, AND IT'S VIRTUALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO GET V.D. EXCEPT THROUGH SEXUAL CONTACT.

VIRTUALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO GET V.D. EXCEPT THROUGH SEXUAL CONTACT. ANYONE WHO TELLS YOU YOU CAN GET

EXCEPT THROUGH SEXUAL CONTACT. ANYONE WHO TELLS YOU YOU CAN GET V.D. FROM A DOORKNOB OR A TOILET

ANYONE WHO TELLS YOU YOU CAN GET V.D. FROM A DOORKNOB OR A TOILET SEAT IS JUST FULL OF PRUNES.

V.D. FROM A DOORKNOB OR A TOILET SEAT IS JUST FULL OF PRUNES. V.D. CAN CAUSE BLINDNESS,

SEAT IS JUST FULL OF PRUNES. V.D. CAN CAUSE BLINDNESS, INSANITY... EVEN DEATH.

V.D. CAN CAUSE BLINDNESS, INSANITY... EVEN DEATH. LET ME SHOW YOU SOMETHING HERE.

INSANITY... EVEN DEATH. LET ME SHOW YOU SOMETHING HERE. [GASPS]

LET ME SHOW YOU SOMETHING HERE. [GASPS] YES.

[GASPS] YES. THIS IS A PICTURE OF A MAN IN

YES. THIS IS A PICTURE OF A MAN IN THE THIRD STAGE OF SYPHILIS.

THIS IS A PICTURE OF A MAN IN THE THIRD STAGE OF SYPHILIS. IF YOU HAVE A GENITAL SORE, A

THE THIRD STAGE OF SYPHILIS. IF YOU HAVE A GENITAL SORE, A BODY RASH, A BURNING SENSATION

IF YOU HAVE A GENITAL SORE, A BODY RASH, A BURNING SENSATION WHEN URINATING, OR A MILKY

BODY RASH, A BURNING SENSATION WHEN URINATING, OR A MILKY EMISSION, YOU MAY HAVE VENEREAL

WHEN URINATING, OR A MILKY EMISSION, YOU MAY HAVE VENEREAL DISEASE.

EMISSION, YOU MAY HAVE VENEREAL DISEASE. NOW, WE AT THE COUNTY HEALTH

DISEASE. NOW, WE AT THE COUNTY HEALTH CLINIC WANT YOU TO COME IN AND

NOW, WE AT THE COUNTY HEALTH CLINIC WANT YOU TO COME IN AND SEE US IF YOU THINK YOU MIGHT

CLINIC WANT YOU TO COME IN AND SEE US IF YOU THINK YOU MIGHT HAVE V.D., AND THERE'S NOTHING

SEE US IF YOU THINK YOU MIGHT HAVE V.D., AND THERE'S NOTHING TO BE EMBARRASSED ABOUT.

HAVE V.D., AND THERE'S NOTHING TO BE EMBARRASSED ABOUT. ANYBODY CAN GET V.D...

TO BE EMBARRASSED ABOUT. ANYBODY CAN GET V.D... MIDDLE-CLASS, INTELLIGENT, NICE

ANYBODY CAN GET V.D... MIDDLE-CLASS, INTELLIGENT, NICE PEOPLE.

MIDDLE-CLASS, INTELLIGENT, NICE PEOPLE. NOW, ARE THERE ANY QUESTIONS?

PEOPLE. NOW, ARE THERE ANY QUESTIONS? UH, YEAH.

NOW, ARE THERE ANY QUESTIONS? UH, YEAH. UH, DID YOU EVER HAVE V.D.?

UH, YEAH. UH, DID YOU EVER HAVE V.D.? NO!

UH, DID YOU EVER HAVE V.D.? NO! [BELL RINGS]

NO! [BELL RINGS] LET'S GET OUT OF HERE.

[BELL RINGS] LET'S GET OUT OF HERE. NOW, WAIT JUST A SECOND.

LET'S GET OUT OF HERE. NOW, WAIT JUST A SECOND. WAIT JUST A SECOND, EVERYBODY.

NOW, WAIT JUST A SECOND. WAIT JUST A SECOND, EVERYBODY. NOW, I THINK WHAT MR. RAMSEY

WAIT JUST A SECOND, EVERYBODY. NOW, I THINK WHAT MR. RAMSEY SAID IS VERY IMPORTANT, AND I

NOW, I THINK WHAT MR. RAMSEY SAID IS VERY IMPORTANT, AND I WANT YOU ALL TO THINK ABOUT IT.

SAID IS VERY IMPORTANT, AND I WANT YOU ALL TO THINK ABOUT IT. OKAY, YOU CAN GO.

WANT YOU ALL TO THINK ABOUT IT. OKAY, YOU CAN GO. HEY, UH, SEE YOU AFTER THE

OKAY, YOU CAN GO. HEY, UH, SEE YOU AFTER THE BIG GAME TONIGHT.

HEY, UH, SEE YOU AFTER THE BIG GAME TONIGHT. OKAY, JOHNNY.

BIG GAME TONIGHT. OKAY, JOHNNY. UH, MR. RAMSEY, I WONDER IF I

OKAY, JOHNNY. UH, MR. RAMSEY, I WONDER IF I COULD COME VISIT YOU AT THE

UH, MR. RAMSEY, I WONDER IF I COULD COME VISIT YOU AT THE CLINIC.

COULD COME VISIT YOU AT THE CLINIC. SURE.

CLINIC. SURE. WHY NOT AFTER SCHOOL?

SURE. WHY NOT AFTER SCHOOL? WELL, I'D HAVE TO SKIP

WHY NOT AFTER SCHOOL? WELL, I'D HAVE TO SKIP CHEERLEADER PRACTICE, BUT...I

WELL, I'D HAVE TO SKIP CHEERLEADER PRACTICE, BUT... I GUESS IT'S KIND OF IMPORTANT.

IT ISN'T LIKE SUSIE TO MISS PRACTICE. I HOPE THERE ISN'T ANYTHING

PRACTICE. I HOPE THERE ISN'T ANYTHING WRONG.

I HOPE THERE ISN'T ANYTHING WRONG. OH, GOD, I HOPE NOT.

SO I DECIDED TO COME SEE YOU. I'M GLAD YOU DID, SUSIE. IT CERTAINLY SOUNDS LIKE V.D. TO

I'M GLAD YOU DID, SUSIE. IT CERTAINLY SOUNDS LIKE V.D. TO ME.

IT CERTAINLY SOUNDS LIKE V.D. TO ME. DO I GET MY PENICILLIN SHOT

ME. DO I GET MY PENICILLIN SHOT NOW?

DO I GET MY PENICILLIN SHOT NOW? WELL, LET'S WAIT TILL THE

NOW? WELL, LET'S WAIT TILL THE TESTS COME BACK, BUT NO SEX,

WELL, LET'S WAIT TILL THE TESTS COME BACK, BUT NO SEX, SUSIE.

TESTS COME BACK, BUT NO SEX, SUSIE. OH, I KNOW.

SUSIE. OH, I KNOW. WELL, THANKS.

OH, I KNOW. WELL, THANKS. I GUESS I'LL GO NOW.

WELL, THANKS. I GUESS I'LL GO NOW. FINE... AS SOON AS YOU GIVE

I GUESS I'LL GO NOW. FINE... AS SOON AS YOU GIVE ME THE LIST OF YOUR SEXUAL

FINE... AS SOON AS YOU GIVE ME THE LIST OF YOUR SEXUAL CONTACTS.

ME THE LIST OF YOUR SEXUAL CONTACTS. SEXUAL CONTACTS?

CONTACTS. SEXUAL CONTACTS? YES.

SEXUAL CONTACTS? YES. YOU KNOW... ANY BOYS YOU'VE HAD

YES. YOU KNOW... ANY BOYS YOU'VE HAD SEX WITH.

YOU KNOW... ANY BOYS YOU'VE HAD SEX WITH. OR GIRLS.

SEX WITH. OR GIRLS. NO, THERE'S NOTHING TO BE

OR GIRLS. NO, THERE'S NOTHING TO BE EMBARRASSED ABOUT.

NO, THERE'S NOTHING TO BE EMBARRASSED ABOUT. BUT I CAN'T!

EMBARRASSED ABOUT. BUT I CAN'T! SUSIE, FRIENDS WHOM YOU'VE

BUT I CAN'T! SUSIE, FRIENDS WHOM YOU'VE HAD SEX WITH COULD SUFFER

SUSIE, FRIENDS WHOM YOU'VE HAD SEX WITH COULD SUFFER IRREVERSIBLE PHYSICAL AND MENTAL

HAD SEX WITH COULD SUFFER IRREVERSIBLE PHYSICAL AND MENTAL DAMAGE IF YOU DON'T TELL ME WHO

IRREVERSIBLE PHYSICAL AND MENTAL DAMAGE IF YOU DON'T TELL ME WHO THEY ARE.

DAMAGE IF YOU DON'T TELL ME WHO THEY ARE. BUT... BUT JOHNNY...

THEY ARE. BUT... BUT JOHNNY... JOHNNY?

BUT... BUT JOHNNY... JOHNNY? JOHNNY WHO?

JOHNNY? JOHNNY WHO? WE WERE GONNA GET MARRIED.

JOHNNY WHO? WE WERE GONNA GET MARRIED. IF HE FINDS OUT I HAVE V.D.,

WE WERE GONNA GET MARRIED. IF HE FINDS OUT I HAVE V.D., HE'LL KNOW I'VE HAD SEX WITH

IF HE FINDS OUT I HAVE V.D., HE'LL KNOW I'VE HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE.

HE'LL KNOW I'VE HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE. MAYBE HE GAVE IT TO YOU.

SOMEONE ELSE. MAYBE HE GAVE IT TO YOU. NO.

MAYBE HE GAVE IT TO YOU. NO. JOHNNY'S SUPER STRAIGHT.

NO. JOHNNY'S SUPER STRAIGHT. I MUST HAVE GOTTEN IT THAT ONE

JOHNNY'S SUPER STRAIGHT. I MUST HAVE GOTTEN IT THAT ONE TIME... THAT ONE STUPID TIME...

I MUST HAVE GOTTEN IT THAT ONE TIME... THAT ONE STUPID TIME... SUSIE, YOU OWE IT TO THE

TIME... THAT ONE STUPID TIME... SUSIE, YOU OWE IT TO THE OTHER BOY, AND MOST OF ALL, YOU

SUSIE, YOU OWE IT TO THE OTHER BOY, AND MOST OF ALL, YOU OWE IT TO JOHNNY.

OTHER BOY, AND MOST OF ALL, YOU OWE IT TO JOHNNY. NOW TELL ME JOHNNY'S LAST NAME?

OWE IT TO JOHNNY. NOW TELL ME JOHNNY'S LAST NAME? I CAN'T.

NOW TELL ME JOHNNY'S LAST NAME? I CAN'T. I LOVE HIM.

I CAN'T. I LOVE HIM. DON'T YOU REALIZE?

I LOVE HIM. DON'T YOU REALIZE? HE'LL FIND OUT SOONER OR LATER!

DON'T YOU REALIZE? HE'LL FIND OUT SOONER OR LATER! NO...

HE'LL FIND OUT SOONER OR LATER! NO... MAYBE HE DOESN'T HAVE TO.

NO... MAYBE HE DOESN'T HAVE TO. MAYBE I COULD GET ONE OF MY

MAYBE HE DOESN'T HAVE TO. MAYBE I COULD GET ONE OF MY GIRLFRIENDS TO SEDUCE HIM, AND

MAYBE I COULD GET ONE OF MY GIRLFRIENDS TO SEDUCE HIM, AND THEN HE'LL THINK SHE GAVE IT TO

GIRLFRIENDS TO SEDUCE HIM, AND THEN HE'LL THINK SHE GAVE IT TO HIM.

THEN HE'LL THINK SHE GAVE IT TO HIM. IT'S A WEIRD IDEA, BUT A

HIM. IT'S A WEIRD IDEA, BUT A POSSIBILITY.

IT'S A WEIRD IDEA, BUT A POSSIBILITY. SUSIE, YOU CAN'T PLAY GAMES

POSSIBILITY. SUSIE, YOU CAN'T PLAY GAMES WITH VENEREAL DISEASE.

SUSIE, YOU CAN'T PLAY GAMES WITH VENEREAL DISEASE. IT'S A LOADED PISTOL POINTED

WITH VENEREAL DISEASE. IT'S A LOADED PISTOL POINTED RIGHT AT YOUR CROTCH!

IT'S A LOADED PISTOL POINTED RIGHT AT YOUR CROTCH! WHOO!

RIGHT AT YOUR CROTCH! WHOO! BOY.

WHOO! BOY. I FEEL GREAT.

BOY. I FEEL GREAT. YEAH, ME, TOO, MAN.

I FEEL GREAT. YEAH, ME, TOO, MAN. WE'RE GONNA STOP WASHINGTON

YEAH, ME, TOO, MAN. WE'RE GONNA STOP WASHINGTON TONIGHT FOR SURE.

WE'RE GONNA STOP WASHINGTON TONIGHT FOR SURE. YEAH.

TONIGHT FOR SURE. YEAH. I GOT TO GO TO THE BATHROOM.

YEAH. I GOT TO GO TO THE BATHROOM. OKAY.

I GOT TO GO TO THE BATHROOM. OKAY. [SCREAMS]

OKAY. [SCREAMS] OW!

BOY, MY PENIS SURE HURTS WHEN I URINATE. HEY, REMEMBER WHAT THAT GUY

URINATE. HEY, REMEMBER WHAT THAT GUY FROM THE HEALTH CLINIC SAID?

HEY, REMEMBER WHAT THAT GUY FROM THE HEALTH CLINIC SAID? MAYBE YOU GOT V.D.

FROM THE HEALTH CLINIC SAID? MAYBE YOU GOT V.D. I GAVE THAT A THOUGHT, BUT

MAYBE YOU GOT V.D. I GAVE THAT A THOUGHT, BUT IT'S IMPOSSIBLE.

I GAVE THAT A THOUGHT, BUT IT'S IMPOSSIBLE. HE SAID THAT THE ONLY WAY YOU

IT'S IMPOSSIBLE. HE SAID THAT THE ONLY WAY YOU CAN GET V.D. IS FROM SEX.

HE SAID THAT THE ONLY WAY YOU CAN GET V.D. IS FROM SEX. THE ONLY GIRL I'VE HAD SEX

CAN GET V.D. IS FROM SEX. THE ONLY GIRL I'VE HAD SEX WITH IS SUSIE.

THE ONLY GIRL I'VE HAD SEX WITH IS SUSIE. MAYBE SHE GAVE IT TO YOU.

WITH IS SUSIE. MAYBE SHE GAVE IT TO YOU. IF YOU EVER SAY THAT ABOUT

MAYBE SHE GAVE IT TO YOU. IF YOU EVER SAY THAT ABOUT SUSIE AGAIN, I'LL KILL YOU.

IF YOU EVER SAY THAT ABOUT SUSIE AGAIN, I'LL KILL YOU. OKAY.

SUSIE AGAIN, I'LL KILL YOU. OKAY. [MARCHING BAND PLAYS]

YOUR ATTENTION, PLEASE. YOUR ATTENTION, PLEASE. ANYONE WHO HAS HAD SEX WITH

YOUR ATTENTION, PLEASE. ANYONE WHO HAS HAD SEX WITH SUSIE EDWARDS PLEASE REPORT TO

ANYONE WHO HAS HAD SEX WITH SUSIE EDWARDS PLEASE REPORT TO THE FIRST-AID STATION.

SUSIE EDWARDS PLEASE REPORT TO THE FIRST-AID STATION. SHE HAS VENEREAL DISEASE.

THE FIRST-AID STATION. SHE HAS VENEREAL DISEASE. REPEAT... ANYONE WHO HAS HAD SEX

SHE HAS VENEREAL DISEASE. REPEAT... ANYONE WHO HAS HAD SEX WITH SUSIE EDWARDS PLEASE REPORT

REPEAT... ANYONE WHO HAS HAD SEX WITH SUSIE EDWARDS PLEASE REPORT TO THE FIRST-AID STATION

WITH SUSIE EDWARDS PLEASE REPORT TO THE FIRST-AID STATION IMMEDIATELY.

TO THE FIRST-AID STATION IMMEDIATELY. SHE HAS VENEREAL DISEASE.

OH, SON, I HEARD YOU WON THE GAME. YEAH.

GAME. YEAH. IT MUST FEEL GREAT.

YEAH. IT MUST FEEL GREAT. YEAH.

IT MUST FEEL GREAT. YEAH. NO, SOMETHING'S WRONG.

YEAH. NO, SOMETHING'S WRONG. A MOTHER CAN ALWAYS TELL.

NO, SOMETHING'S WRONG. A MOTHER CAN ALWAYS TELL. THERE'S A PICTURE HERE IN THE

A MOTHER CAN ALWAYS TELL. THERE'S A PICTURE HERE IN THE PAPER OF SUSIE EDWARDS.

THERE'S A PICTURE HERE IN THE PAPER OF SUSIE EDWARDS. SHE'S A FRIEND OF YOURS, ISN'T

PAPER OF SUSIE EDWARDS. SHE'S A FRIEND OF YOURS, ISN'T SHE, JOHNNY?

SHE'S A FRIEND OF YOURS, ISN'T SHE, JOHNNY? SAYS HERE, UH, SHE HAS VENEREAL

SHE, JOHNNY? SAYS HERE, UH, SHE HAS VENEREAL DISEASE.

SAYS HERE, UH, SHE HAS VENEREAL DISEASE. MAYBE YOU SHOULDN'T BE SEEING

DISEASE. MAYBE YOU SHOULDN'T BE SEEING THAT KIND OF GIRL, JOHNNY.

MAYBE YOU SHOULDN'T BE SEEING THAT KIND OF GIRL, JOHNNY. IT SAYS HERE THAT HEALTH

THAT KIND OF GIRL, JOHNNY. IT SAYS HERE THAT HEALTH AUTHORITIES ARE LOOKING FOR TWO

IT SAYS HERE THAT HEALTH AUTHORITIES ARE LOOKING FOR TWO BOYS WHO HAVE HAD SEX WITH HER,

AUTHORITIES ARE LOOKING FOR TWO BOYS WHO HAVE HAD SEX WITH HER, ONE NAMED JOHNNY.

BOYS WHO HAVE HAD SEX WITH HER, ONE NAMED JOHNNY. JOHNNY?

ONE NAMED JOHNNY. JOHNNY? JOHNNY, HAVE YOU BEEN... BEEN

JOHNNY? JOHNNY, HAVE YOU BEEN... BEEN WITH SUSIE EDWARDS?

JOHNNY, HAVE YOU BEEN... BEEN WITH SUSIE EDWARDS? YES.

WITH SUSIE EDWARDS? YES. I'VE HAD SEX WITH HER, IF THAT'S

YES. I'VE HAD SEX WITH HER, IF THAT'S WHAT YOU MEAN.

I'VE HAD SEX WITH HER, IF THAT'S WHAT YOU MEAN. OH, MY GOD!

HOW DARE YOU HAVE SEX?! DID YOU DO IT WITH ANY OTHER LITTLE SLUTS?

DID YOU DO IT WITH ANY OTHER LITTLE SLUTS? NO!

LITTLE SLUTS? NO! I LOVED SUSIE!

NO! I LOVED SUSIE! I WANTED TO MARRY HER.

I LOVED SUSIE! I WANTED TO MARRY HER. MARRY HER?

I WANTED TO MARRY HER. MARRY HER? HOW COULD YOU WANT TO MARRY A

MARRY HER? HOW COULD YOU WANT TO MARRY A GIRL YOU'VE HAD SEX WITH?

HOW COULD YOU WANT TO MARRY A GIRL YOU'VE HAD SEX WITH? MY MOTHER ONCE TOLD ME WHY EAT

GIRL YOU'VE HAD SEX WITH? MY MOTHER ONCE TOLD ME WHY EAT GARBAGE ON YOUR WEDDING NIGHT

MY MOTHER ONCE TOLD ME WHY EAT GARBAGE ON YOUR WEDDING NIGHT WHEN YOU CAN EAT STEAK?!

GARBAGE ON YOUR WEDDING NIGHT WHEN YOU CAN EAT STEAK?! I'M SO CONFUSED!

WHEN YOU CAN EAT STEAK?! I'M SO CONFUSED! [DOORBELL RINGS]

I'M SO CONFUSED! [DOORBELL RINGS] A DOORBELL!

[DOORBELL RINGS] A DOORBELL! WHO COULD THIS BE AT THIS TIME

A DOORBELL! WHO COULD THIS BE AT THIS TIME OF NIGHT?

WHO COULD THIS BE AT THIS TIME OF NIGHT? HI, I'M JOSH RAMSEY, V.D.

OF NIGHT? HI, I'M JOSH RAMSEY, V.D. CASEWORKER.

HI, I'M JOSH RAMSEY, V.D. CASEWORKER. YOU MUST BE JOHNNY'S FATHER.

CASEWORKER. YOU MUST BE JOHNNY'S FATHER. YES, I AM.

YOU MUST BE JOHNNY'S FATHER. YES, I AM. IF IT'S OKAY, WE'D LIKE TO

YES, I AM. IF IT'S OKAY, WE'D LIKE TO HAVE A FEW WORDS WITH YOU.

IF IT'S OKAY, WE'D LIKE TO HAVE A FEW WORDS WITH YOU. DOES SHE HAVE TO COME IN?

HAVE A FEW WORDS WITH YOU. DOES SHE HAVE TO COME IN? I THINK IT'S THE RIGHT THING

DOES SHE HAVE TO COME IN? I THINK IT'S THE RIGHT THING TO DO, MR. LUDLOW.

I THINK IT'S THE RIGHT THING TO DO, MR. LUDLOW. ALL RIGHT.

TO DO, MR. LUDLOW. ALL RIGHT. SHE CAN COME IN, BUT SHE CAN'T

ALL RIGHT. SHE CAN COME IN, BUT SHE CAN'T USE THE BATHROOM!

SHE CAN COME IN, BUT SHE CAN'T USE THE BATHROOM! THANK YOU, MRS. LUDLOW.

USE THE BATHROOM! THANK YOU, MRS. LUDLOW. WELL, IF SHE'S COMING IN, I'M

THANK YOU, MRS. LUDLOW. WELL, IF SHE'S COMING IN, I'M LEAVING.

WELL, IF SHE'S COMING IN, I'M LEAVING. WELL, WAIT A MINUTE, JOHNNY.

LEAVING. WELL, WAIT A MINUTE, JOHNNY. SUSIE CAME HERE AT MY

WELL, WAIT A MINUTE, JOHNNY. SUSIE CAME HERE AT MY INSISTENCE.

SUSIE CAME HERE AT MY INSISTENCE. I'M SORRY I HURT YOU, JOHNNY.

INSISTENCE. I'M SORRY I HURT YOU, JOHNNY. I HOPE YOU DON'T HATE ME.

I'M SORRY I HURT YOU, JOHNNY. I HOPE YOU DON'T HATE ME. I'M SORRY, BUT I DO.

I HOPE YOU DON'T HATE ME. I'M SORRY, BUT I DO. IT'S OKAY TO HATE HER,

I'M SORRY, BUT I DO. IT'S OKAY TO HATE HER, JOHNNY.

IT'S OKAY TO HATE HER, JOHNNY. SHE KNEW THE RISKS SHE WAS

JOHNNY. SHE KNEW THE RISKS SHE WAS TAKING WHEN SHE HAD SEX WITH

SHE KNEW THE RISKS SHE WAS TAKING WHEN SHE HAD SEX WITH ANOTHER BOY.

TAKING WHEN SHE HAD SEX WITH ANOTHER BOY. IT WAS JUST ONCE, I SWEAR IT.

ANOTHER BOY. IT WAS JUST ONCE, I SWEAR IT. I'M SORRY, BUT I CAN'T

IT WAS JUST ONCE, I SWEAR IT. I'M SORRY, BUT I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU ANYMORE, SUSIE.

I'M SORRY, BUT I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU ANYMORE, SUSIE. I NEVER WANT TO SEE YOU AGAIN.

BELIEVE YOU ANYMORE, SUSIE. I NEVER WANT TO SEE YOU AGAIN. [TELEPHONE RINGS]

I NEVER WANT TO SEE YOU AGAIN. [TELEPHONE RINGS] I'LL GET IT.

[TELEPHONE RINGS] I'LL GET IT. HELLO?

I'LL GET IT. HELLO? Hello, this is the county

HELLO? Hello, this is the county health clinic.

Hello, this is the county health clinic. Is V.D. caseworker Josh Ramsey

health clinic. Is V.D. caseworker Josh Ramsey there?

Is V.D. caseworker Josh Ramsey there? YES, HE IS.

There? YES, HE IS. MR. RAMSEY, IT'S FOR YOU.

YES, HE IS. MR. RAMSEY, IT'S FOR YOU. OH, THANK YOU, MRS. LUDLOW.

MR. RAMSEY, IT'S FOR YOU. OH, THANK YOU, MRS. LUDLOW. JOSH RAMSEY.

OH, THANK YOU, MRS. LUDLOW. JOSH RAMSEY. Josh, those test results are

JOSH RAMSEY. Josh, those test results are in on the Edwards girl.

Josh, those test results are in on the Edwards girl. It's not gonorrhea.

In on the Edwards girl. It's not gonorrhea. She's got a simple yeast

It's not gonorrhea. She's got a simple yeast infection.

She's got a simple yeast infection. AH, THANK YOU, SETH.

Infection. AH, THANK YOU, SETH. Check that.

AH, THANK YOU, SETH. Check that. WELL, SAY, EVERYBODY, I HAVE

Check that. WELL, SAY, EVERYBODY, I HAVE SOME INTERESTING NEWS.

WELL, SAY, EVERYBODY, I HAVE SOME INTERESTING NEWS. IT SEEMS THAT SUSIE DOESN'T HAVE

SOME INTERESTING NEWS. IT SEEMS THAT SUSIE DOESN'T HAVE VENEREAL DISEASE AFTER ALL.

IT SEEMS THAT SUSIE DOESN'T HAVE VENEREAL DISEASE AFTER ALL. IT'S JUST A SIMPLE YEAST

VENEREAL DISEASE AFTER ALL. IT'S JUST A SIMPLE YEAST INFECTION.

IT'S JUST A SIMPLE YEAST INFECTION. YEAST INFECTION?

INFECTION. YEAST INFECTION? YES, AN UNPLEASANT INFECTION

YEAST INFECTION? YES, AN UNPLEASANT INFECTION CAUSED BY ANY NUMBER OF THINGS,

YES, AN UNPLEASANT INFECTION CAUSED BY ANY NUMBER OF THINGS, BUT NOT V.D.

CAUSED BY ANY NUMBER OF THINGS, BUT NOT V.D. WELL, I GUESS YOU WON'T BE

BUT NOT V.D. WELL, I GUESS YOU WON'T BE NEEDING THAT PENICILLIN SHOT

WELL, I GUESS YOU WON'T BE NEEDING THAT PENICILLIN SHOT AFTER ALL, SUSIE.

NEEDING THAT PENICILLIN SHOT AFTER ALL, SUSIE. BUT HOW COME MY PENIS HURTS

AFTER ALL, SUSIE. BUT HOW COME MY PENIS HURTS SO MUCH WHEN I URINATE?

BUT HOW COME MY PENIS HURTS SO MUCH WHEN I URINATE? WELL, IT'S PROBABLY

SO MUCH WHEN I URINATE? WELL, IT'S PROBABLY NONSPECIFIC URETHRITIS

WELL, IT'S PROBABLY NONSPECIFIC URETHRITIS AGGRAVATED BY SUSIE'S YEAST

NONSPECIFIC URETHRITIS AGGRAVATED BY SUSIE'S YEAST INFECTION.

AGGRAVATED BY SUSIE'S YEAST INFECTION. NOTHING SERIOUS, JOHNNY... JUST

INFECTION. NOTHING SERIOUS, JOHNNY... JUST EASE OFF SEX FOR A WHILE, STAY

NOTHING SERIOUS, JOHNNY... JUST EASE OFF SEX FOR A WHILE, STAY AWAY FROM ALCOHOL, DRINK A LOT

EASE OFF SEX FOR A WHILE, STAY AWAY FROM ALCOHOL, DRINK A LOT OF CRANBERRY JUICE... YOU'LL BE

AWAY FROM ALCOHOL, DRINK A LOT OF CRANBERRY JUICE... YOU'LL BE FINE.

OF CRANBERRY JUICE... YOU'LL BE FINE. JOHNNY, DO YOU STILL HATE ME?

FINE. JOHNNY, DO YOU STILL HATE ME? YES, I STILL HATE YOU.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, KEITH JARRETT. [PIANO PLAYS UP-TEMPO MUSIC]

[APPLAUSE]

♪ HERE I AM ♪ ♪ HERE IN MY HOUSE ♪ ♪ MAKING A CROWN ♪

♪ HERE IN MY HOUSE ♪ ♪ MAKING A CROWN ♪ ♪ AND MY SISTER, JENNIFER, HAD

♪ MAKING A CROWN ♪ ♪ AND MY SISTER, JENNIFER, HAD TO GO TO HER ROOM FOR HITTING

♪ AND MY SISTER, JENNIFER, HAD TO GO TO HER ROOM FOR HITTING ME ♪

TO GO TO HER ROOM FOR HITTING ME ♪ ♪ AND SHE MAKES ME SICK ♪

ME ♪ ♪ AND SHE MAKES ME SICK ♪ ♪ OH, YES, SHE DOES ♪

♪ AND SHE MAKES ME SICK ♪ ♪ OH, YES, SHE DOES ♪ ♪ SHE MAKES ME VERY, VERY, VERY,

♪ OH, YES, SHE DOES ♪ ♪ SHE MAKES ME VERY, VERY, VERY, VERY, VERY, VERY, SICK ♪

♪ SHE MAKES ME VERY, VERY, VERY, VERY, VERY, VERY, SICK ♪ BUT THAT'S OKAY BECAUSE NOW IT'S

VERY, VERY, VERY, SICK ♪ BUT THAT'S OKAY BECAUSE NOW IT'S THE "HEY, JENNIFER SHOW"!

BUT THAT'S OKAY BECAUSE NOW IT'S THE "HEY, JENNIFER SHOW"! YAY!

THE "HEY, JENNIFER SHOW"! YAY! ♪ DA DA DA DA DA DA DA DA DA ♪

YAY! ♪ DA DA DA DA DA DA DA DA DA ♪ ♪ OH, IT'S THE "HEY, JENNIFER

♪ DA DA DA DA DA DA DA DA DA ♪ ♪ OH, IT'S THE "HEY, JENNIFER SHOW" AND WE HOPE YOU'RE SO, SO,

♪ OH, IT'S THE "HEY, JENNIFER SHOW" AND WE HOPE YOU'RE SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO,

SHOW" AND WE HOPE YOU'RE SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO ♪

SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO ♪ ♪ YES, SHE IS SO FAT AND

SO, SO, SO, SO ♪ ♪ YES, SHE IS SO FAT AND DISGUSTING ♪

♪ YES, SHE IS SO FAT AND DISGUSTING ♪ ♪ SHE GOES TO THE BATHROOM WITH

DISGUSTING ♪ ♪ SHE GOES TO THE BATHROOM WITH THE DOOR OPEN ♪

♪ SHE GOES TO THE BATHROOM WITH THE DOOR OPEN ♪ YAY!

THE DOOR OPEN ♪ YAY! ♪ IT'S THE "HEY, JENNIFER

YAY! ♪ IT'S THE "HEY, JENNIFER SHOW" ♪

♪ IT'S THE "HEY, JENNIFER SHOW" ♪ GO!

SHOW" ♪ GO! AND NOW, HERE IS THE BIG SONG

GO! AND NOW, HERE IS THE BIG SONG ON THE "HEY, JENNIFER SHOW"

AND NOW, HERE IS THE BIG SONG ON THE "HEY, JENNIFER SHOW" BECAUSE SHE IS A PERSON WHO

ON THE "HEY, JENNIFER SHOW" BECAUSE SHE IS A PERSON WHO LOOKS AT YOU ALL THE TIME WITH

BECAUSE SHE IS A PERSON WHO LOOKS AT YOU ALL THE TIME WITH THESE BIG BOOGERS YOU CAN SEE.

LOOKS AT YOU ALL THE TIME WITH THESE BIG BOOGERS YOU CAN SEE. ♪ BOOGERS ALL THE TIME ♪

THESE BIG BOOGERS YOU CAN SEE. ♪ BOOGERS ALL THE TIME ♪ ♪ BOOGERS ALL THE TIME ♪

♪ BOOGERS ALL THE TIME ♪ ♪ BOOGERS ALL THE TIME ♪ ♪ IT'S YOUR RED-HEAD BOOGERS,

♪ BOOGERS ALL THE TIME ♪ ♪ IT'S YOUR RED-HEAD BOOGERS, AND IT'S BOOGERS ALL THE TIME ♪

♪ IT'S YOUR RED-HEAD BOOGERS, AND IT'S BOOGERS ALL THE TIME ♪ YAY, YAY, YAY! YAY!

AND IT'S BOOGERS ALL THE TIME ♪ YAY, YAY, YAY! YAY! WELL, AS YOU CAN SEE, I HATE

YAY, YAY, YAY! YAY! WELL, AS YOU CAN SEE, I HATE JENNIFER VERY MUCH, AND SO THAT

WELL, AS YOU CAN SEE, I HATE JENNIFER VERY MUCH, AND SO THAT IS WHY I'M SO GLAD THAT THEY

JENNIFER VERY MUCH, AND SO THAT IS WHY I'M SO GLAD THAT THEY INVENTED THE BRAND-NEW, TERRIFIC

IS WHY I'M SO GLAD THAT THEY INVENTED THE BRAND-NEW, TERRIFIC PRODUCT CALLED THE WOODS, WHERE

INVENTED THE BRAND-NEW, TERRIFIC PRODUCT CALLED THE WOODS, WHERE I CAN GO AND LIVE AND GET AWAY

PRODUCT CALLED THE WOODS, WHERE I CAN GO AND LIVE AND GET AWAY FROM JENNIFER FOR THE REST OF MY

I CAN GO AND LIVE AND GET AWAY FROM JENNIFER FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE!

FROM JENNIFER FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE! [Mockingly] BUT, JUDY,

LIFE! [Mockingly] BUT, JUDY, CAN'T I COME, TOO?

[Mockingly] BUT, JUDY, CAN'T I COME, TOO? [Normal voice] WELL, ALL

CAN'T I COME, TOO? [Normal voice] WELL, ALL RIGHT, JENNIFER.

[Normal voice] WELL, ALL RIGHT, JENNIFER. EVEN THOUGH YOU MIGHT GET EATEN

RIGHT, JENNIFER. EVEN THOUGH YOU MIGHT GET EATEN BY THE MONSTER?

EVEN THOUGH YOU MIGHT GET EATEN BY THE MONSTER? [Mockingly] I DON'T CARE.

BY THE MONSTER? [Mockingly] I DON'T CARE. [Normal voice] BUT IT WAS A

[Mockingly] I DON'T CARE. [Normal voice] BUT IT WAS A LONG, FAR, FAR AWAY WAY TO THE

[Normal voice] BUT IT WAS A LONG, FAR, FAR AWAY WAY TO THE WOODS OF LONDON, ENGLAND, SO

LONG, FAR, FAR AWAY WAY TO THE WOODS OF LONDON, ENGLAND, SO HERE WE GO!

WOODS OF LONDON, ENGLAND, SO HERE WE GO! AND YOU HAVE TO TRAVEL MANY

HERE WE GO! AND YOU HAVE TO TRAVEL MANY MILES, OVER LAND AND SEA, AND

AND YOU HAVE TO TRAVEL MANY MILES, OVER LAND AND SEA, AND MANY PLACES NO ONE EVEN KNOWS!

MILES, OVER LAND AND SEA, AND MANY PLACES NO ONE EVEN KNOWS! HURRY, JENNIFER, FOR THIS IS SO

MANY PLACES NO ONE EVEN KNOWS! HURRY, JENNIFER, FOR THIS IS SO EASY AND FUN!

HURRY, JENNIFER, FOR THIS IS SO EASY AND FUN! [Mockingly] OH, JUDY, I CAN'T!

EASY AND FUN! [Mockingly] OH, JUDY, I CAN'T! I CAN'T HURRY.

[Mockingly] OH, JUDY, I CAN'T! I CAN'T HURRY. I'M SO AFRAID I'M GONNA GET

I CAN'T HURRY. I'M SO AFRAID I'M GONNA GET EATEN BY THE SHARKS!

I'M SO AFRAID I'M GONNA GET EATEN BY THE SHARKS! HELP ME, HELP ME!

EATEN BY THE SHARKS! HELP ME, HELP ME! I'M EATEN BY THE SHARKS!

HELP ME, HELP ME! I'M EATEN BY THE SHARKS! HELP ME!

I'M EATEN BY THE SHARKS! HELP ME! [Normal voice] AND NOW, IT'S

HELP ME! [Normal voice] AND NOW, IT'S TIME FOR A COMMERCIAL.

[Normal voice] AND NOW, IT'S TIME FOR A COMMERCIAL. ♪ OH, EVERYONE SHOULD KILL

TIME FOR A COMMERCIAL. ♪ OH, EVERYONE SHOULD KILL JENNIFER AS SOON AS THEY CAN ♪

♪ OH, EVERYONE SHOULD KILL JENNIFER AS SOON AS THEY CAN ♪ HELLO!

JENNIFER AS SOON AS THEY CAN ♪ HELLO! HERE IS THE GREAT TWO

HELLO! HERE IS THE GREAT TWO UNDERSHIRTS THAT EVERYONE WANTS

HERE IS THE GREAT TWO UNDERSHIRTS THAT EVERYONE WANTS VERY BAD AND THEY CAN'T BELIEVE

UNDERSHIRTS THAT EVERYONE WANTS VERY BAD AND THEY CAN'T BELIEVE THEIR MOTHER BOUGHT THEM JUST

VERY BAD AND THEY CAN'T BELIEVE THEIR MOTHER BOUGHT THEM JUST TODAY.

THEIR MOTHER BOUGHT THEM JUST TODAY. AND THEY CAN BE USED TO GO ON

TODAY. AND THEY CAN BE USED TO GO ON YOUR HEAD AS HAIR...

AND THEY CAN BE USED TO GO ON YOUR HEAD AS HAIR... OR AS A BEARD.

YOUR HEAD AS HAIR... OR AS A BEARD. HO, HO, HO.

OR AS A BEARD. HO, HO, HO. SO CONVENIENT, YOU SHOULD BUY

HO, HO, HO. SO CONVENIENT, YOU SHOULD BUY THEM RIGHT AWAY.

SO CONVENIENT, YOU SHOULD BUY THEM RIGHT AWAY. AND NOW WE MUST GO BACK TO THE

THEM RIGHT AWAY. AND NOW WE MUST GO BACK TO THE WOODS OF LONDON, ENGLAND!

AND NOW WE MUST GO BACK TO THE WOODS OF LONDON, ENGLAND! WE JUST HOP AND HOP!

WOODS OF LONDON, ENGLAND! WE JUST HOP AND HOP! WE HAVE TO HOP AND HOP AND HOP!

WE JUST HOP AND HOP! WE HAVE TO HOP AND HOP AND HOP! [Mockingly] OH, JUDY,

WE HAVE TO HOP AND HOP AND HOP! [Mockingly] OH, JUDY, I CAN'T HOP AS FAST AS YOU, BUT

[Mockingly] OH, JUDY, I CAN'T HOP AS FAST AS YOU, BUT THE MONSTER'S COMING RIGHT NOW!

I CAN'T HOP AS FAST AS YOU, BUT THE MONSTER'S COMING RIGHT NOW! [Deep voice] I'M THE MONSTER,

THE MONSTER'S COMING RIGHT NOW! [Deep voice] I'M THE MONSTER, AND I'M GONNA EAT JENNIFER!

[Deep voice] I'M THE MONSTER, AND I'M GONNA EAT JENNIFER! OH, WATCH OUT!

AND I'M GONNA EAT JENNIFER! OH, WATCH OUT! I'M GONNA GET HER!

OH, WATCH OUT! I'M GONNA GET HER! [GROWLING]

I'M GONNA GET HER! [GROWLING] OH, NO, HELP!

[GROWLING] OH, NO, HELP! [Normal voice] AND SOON, THE

OH, NO, HELP! [Normal voice] AND SOON, THE MONSTER GOT KILLED, AND JENNIFER

[Normal voice] AND SOON, THE MONSTER GOT KILLED, AND JENNIFER JUMPED OUT OF HIS STOMACH.

MONSTER GOT KILLED, AND JENNIFER JUMPED OUT OF HIS STOMACH. AND NOW, ON WITH THE SHOW!

JUMPED OUT OF HIS STOMACH. AND NOW, ON WITH THE SHOW! ♪ DA DA DA DA DA DA DA DA DA DA

AND NOW, ON WITH THE SHOW! ♪ DA DA DA DA DA DA DA DA DA DA DA DA DA DA DA DA DA DA DA DA ♪

♪ DA DA DA DA DA DA DA DA DA DA DA DA DA DA DA DA DA DA DA DA ♪ AND NOW, PRESENTING THE FABULOUS

DA DA DA DA DA DA DA DA DA DA ♪ AND NOW, PRESENTING THE FABULOUS SINGER THAT EVERYONE KNOWS,

AND NOW, PRESENTING THE FABULOUS SINGER THAT EVERYONE KNOWS, MISS CHICA LALITA.

SINGER THAT EVERYONE KNOWS, MISS CHICA LALITA. ♪ OH ♪

MISS CHICA LALITA. ♪ OH ♪ ♪ EVERYONE SHOULD HATE JENNIFER

♪ OH ♪ ♪ EVERYONE SHOULD HATE JENNIFER BECAUSE SHE IS A PERSON WHO GETS

♪ EVERYONE SHOULD HATE JENNIFER BECAUSE SHE IS A PERSON WHO GETS CARSICK ON THE WAY TO THE

BECAUSE SHE IS A PERSON WHO GETS CARSICK ON THE WAY TO THE STORE ♪

CARSICK ON THE WAY TO THE STORE ♪ ♪ JUST EVEN... ♪

STORE ♪ ♪ JUST EVEN... ♪ AND NOW, IN THE ADVENTURES OF

♪ JUST EVEN... ♪ AND NOW, IN THE ADVENTURES OF JUDY MILLER, HER SISTER,

AND NOW, IN THE ADVENTURES OF JUDY MILLER, HER SISTER, JENNIFER, GETS HIT BY A CAR!

JUDY MILLER, HER SISTER, JENNIFER, GETS HIT BY A CAR! [IMITATING ENGINE NOISES]

JENNIFER, GETS HIT BY A CAR! [IMITATING ENGINE NOISES] WHOA!

[IMITATING ENGINE NOISES] WHOA! YAY, SHE'S DEAD!

WHOA! YAY, SHE'S DEAD! WE KILLED HER!

YAY, SHE'S DEAD! WE KILLED HER! YAY, YAY, SHE'S DEAD, WE KILLED

WE KILLED HER! YAY, YAY, SHE'S DEAD, WE KILLED HER!

YAY, YAY, SHE'S DEAD, WE KILLED HER! SHE'S DEAD, SHE'S DEAD!

HER! SHE'S DEAD, SHE'S DEAD! YAY, SHE'S DEAD, SHE'S DEAD!

SHE'S DEAD, SHE'S DEAD! YAY, SHE'S DEAD, SHE'S DEAD! WHOA!

YAY, SHE'S DEAD, SHE'S DEAD! WHOA! YAY, SHE'S DEAD!

WHOA! YAY, SHE'S DEAD! JUDY!

YAY, SHE'S DEAD! JUDY! JUDY?

JUDY! JUDY? WHAT?

JUDY? WHAT? JENNIFER SAYS SHE SORRY.

WHAT? JENNIFER SAYS SHE SORRY. SO?

JENNIFER SAYS SHE SORRY. SO? SHE'S COMING OUT OF HER ROOM.

SO? SHE'S COMING OUT OF HER ROOM. SO-O-O-O?

SHE'S COMING OUT OF HER ROOM. SO-O-O-O? SHE'D LIKE TO COME DOWN AND

SO-O-O-O? SHE'D LIKE TO COME DOWN AND PLAY BARBIES WITH YOU.

SHE'D LIKE TO COME DOWN AND PLAY BARBIES WITH YOU. PLAY BARBIES?

PLAY BARBIES WITH YOU. PLAY BARBIES? UH-HUH.

PLAY BARBIES? UH-HUH. WELL, OKAY.

UH-HUH. WELL, OKAY. AND NOW... SHE IS ALIVE AGAIN,

WELL, OKAY. AND NOW... SHE IS ALIVE AGAIN, FROM MAGIC!

AND NOW... SHE IS ALIVE AGAIN, FROM MAGIC! GOOD NIGHT!

THE METS LICK MONTREAL. THIS AND MORE ON "WEEKEND UPDATE," COMING UP

THIS AND MORE ON "WEEKEND UPDATE," COMING UP NEXT.

"WEEKEND UPDATE," COMING UP NEXT. Announcer: AND NOW,

NEXT. Announcer: AND NOW, "WEEKEND UPDATE" WITH THE

Announcer: AND NOW, "WEEKEND UPDATE" WITH THE "WEEKEND UPDATE" NEWS TEAM

"WEEKEND UPDATE" WITH THE "WEEKEND UPDATE" NEWS TEAM BROUGHT TO YOU BY PERRIER... THE

"WEEKEND UPDATE" NEWS TEAM BROUGHT TO YOU BY PERRIER... THE MINERAL WATER THAT GOES BACK AND

BROUGHT TO YOU BY PERRIER... THE MINERAL WATER THAT GOES BACK AND FORTH TO STATEN ISLAND.

MINERAL WATER THAT GOES BACK AND FORTH TO STATEN ISLAND. OUR ANCHORPERSONS... JANE CURTIN

FORTH TO STATEN ISLAND. OUR ANCHORPERSONS... JANE CURTIN AND DAN AYKROYD.

OUR ANCHORPERSONS... JANE CURTIN AND DAN AYKROYD. GOOD EVENING.

AND DAN AYKROYD. GOOD EVENING. I'M DAN AYK... ROID.

GOOD EVENING. I'M DAN AYK... ROID. AND I'M JANE CURTIN.

I'M DAN AYK... ROID. AND I'M JANE CURTIN. HERE NOW THE NEWS.

AND I'M JANE CURTIN. HERE NOW THE NEWS. OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT... AN AIDE

HERE NOW THE NEWS. OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT... AN AIDE OF SENATOR EDWARD KENNEDY HAS

OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT... AN AIDE OF SENATOR EDWARD KENNEDY HAS DENIED REPORTS LINKING THE

OF SENATOR EDWARD KENNEDY HAS DENIED REPORTS LINKING THE SENATOR ROMANTICALLY WITH FORMER

DENIED REPORTS LINKING THE SENATOR ROMANTICALLY WITH FORMER OLYMPIC SKIER SUSIE CHAFFEE, WHO

SENATOR ROMANTICALLY WITH FORMER OLYMPIC SKIER SUSIE CHAFFEE, WHO IS NOW BEST KNOWN FOR HER

OLYMPIC SKIER SUSIE CHAFFEE, WHO IS NOW BEST KNOWN FOR HER ChapStick COMMERCIALS.

IS NOW BEST KNOWN FOR HER ChapStick COMMERCIALS. DESPITE THESE DENIALS, HOWEVER,

ChapStick COMMERCIALS. DESPITE THESE DENIALS, HOWEVER, "WEEKEND UPDATE" HAS LEARNED

DESPITE THESE DENIALS, HOWEVER, "WEEKEND UPDATE" HAS LEARNED THAT THE SHAPELY BLONDE IS

"WEEKEND UPDATE" HAS LEARNED THAT THE SHAPELY BLONDE IS PLANNING TO CHANGE HER NAME TO

THAT THE SHAPELY BLONDE IS PLANNING TO CHANGE HER NAME TO SUSIE CHAPPAQUIDDICK.

PLANNING TO CHANGE HER NAME TO SUSIE CHAPPAQUIDDICK. MORE ON THIS STORY AS IT

SUSIE CHAPPAQUIDDICK. MORE ON THIS STORY AS IT DEVELOPS.

MORE ON THIS STORY AS IT DEVELOPS. THIS WEEK, BERT LANCE ATTACKED

DEVELOPS. THIS WEEK, BERT LANCE ATTACKED THE PRESS FOR BIASED REPORTING.

THIS WEEK, BERT LANCE ATTACKED THE PRESS FOR BIASED REPORTING. THE SLEAZY EX-DIRECTOR OF THE

THE PRESS FOR BIASED REPORTING. THE SLEAZY EX-DIRECTOR OF THE OMB CITED, AS AN EXAMPLE, THE

THE SLEAZY EX-DIRECTOR OF THE OMB CITED, AS AN EXAMPLE, THE WAY THE PRESS HAD REPORTED HIS

OMB CITED, AS AN EXAMPLE, THE WAY THE PRESS HAD REPORTED HIS TURNING IN OF HIS DIPLOMATIC

WAY THE PRESS HAD REPORTED HIS TURNING IN OF HIS DIPLOMATIC PASSPORT TWO WEEKS AGO.

TURNING IN OF HIS DIPLOMATIC PASSPORT TWO WEEKS AGO. THE PRESS SAID THAT THE CARTER

PASSPORT TWO WEEKS AGO. THE PRESS SAID THAT THE CARTER WHITE HOUSE HAD FORCED LANCE TO

THE PRESS SAID THAT THE CARTER WHITE HOUSE HAD FORCED LANCE TO GIVE UP HIS SPECIAL PASSPORT

WHITE HOUSE HAD FORCED LANCE TO GIVE UP HIS SPECIAL PASSPORT WHICH, AMONG OTHER PRIVILEGES,

GIVE UP HIS SPECIAL PASSPORT WHICH, AMONG OTHER PRIVILEGES, ENTITLES ITS HOLDER TO FORGO

WHICH, AMONG OTHER PRIVILEGES, ENTITLES ITS HOLDER TO FORGO CUSTOMS INSPECTIONS IN FOREIGN

ENTITLES ITS HOLDER TO FORGO CUSTOMS INSPECTIONS IN FOREIGN COUNTRIES.

CUSTOMS INSPECTIONS IN FOREIGN COUNTRIES. THE OVERWEIGHT SLOB INSISTS HE

COUNTRIES. THE OVERWEIGHT SLOB INSISTS HE GAVE UP THE PASSPORT VOLUNTARILY

THE OVERWEIGHT SLOB INSISTS HE GAVE UP THE PASSPORT VOLUNTARILY BECAUSE HE HAD FINALLY SMUGGLED

GAVE UP THE PASSPORT VOLUNTARILY BECAUSE HE HAD FINALLY SMUGGLED ENOUGH DRUGS TO PAY OFF HIS

BECAUSE HE HAD FINALLY SMUGGLED ENOUGH DRUGS TO PAY OFF HIS $5 MILLION OF DEBTS.

ENOUGH DRUGS TO PAY OFF HIS $5 MILLION OF DEBTS. WELL, ANOTHER CLASSIC

$5 MILLION OF DEBTS. WELL, ANOTHER CLASSIC AMERICAN INSTITUTION WENT BY THE

WELL, ANOTHER CLASSIC AMERICAN INSTITUTION WENT BY THE BOARDS THIS WEEK WHEN A

AMERICAN INSTITUTION WENT BY THE BOARDS THIS WEEK WHEN A SAUDI ARABIAN CONGLOMERATE

BOARDS THIS WEEK WHEN A SAUDI ARABIAN CONGLOMERATE PURCHASED WALT DISNEY

SAUDI ARABIAN CONGLOMERATE PURCHASED WALT DISNEY PRODUCTIONS.

PURCHASED WALT DISNEY PRODUCTIONS. NOT SURPRISINGLY, THE STUDIO'S

PRODUCTIONS. NOT SURPRISINGLY, THE STUDIO'S FIRST FILM WILL STAR OMAR SHARIF

NOT SURPRISINGLY, THE STUDIO'S FIRST FILM WILL STAR OMAR SHARIF AND DEAN JONES AND WILL BE

FIRST FILM WILL STAR OMAR SHARIF AND DEAN JONES AND WILL BE RELEASED HERE UNDER THE TITLE

AND DEAN JONES AND WILL BE RELEASED HERE UNDER THE TITLE "THAT DARN JEW."

RELEASED HERE UNDER THE TITLE "THAT DARN JEW." ACTIVIST/LAWYER WILLIAM KUNSTLER

"THAT DARN JEW." ACTIVIST/LAWYER WILLIAM KUNSTLER CLAIMS THAT LAST FALL'S

ACTIVIST/LAWYER WILLIAM KUNSTLER CLAIMS THAT LAST FALL'S ACCIDENTAL SHOOTING DEATH OF

CLAIMS THAT LAST FALL'S ACCIDENTAL SHOOTING DEATH OF WILLIAM C. SULLIVAN, THE FBI's

ACCIDENTAL SHOOTING DEATH OF WILLIAM C. SULLIVAN, THE FBI's NUMBER-THREE MAN, WAS A

WILLIAM C. SULLIVAN, THE FBI's NUMBER-THREE MAN, WAS A DELIBERATE ATTEMPT TO SPARE

NUMBER-THREE MAN, WAS A DELIBERATE ATTEMPT TO SPARE L. PATRICK GRAY FROM

DELIBERATE ATTEMPT TO SPARE L. PATRICK GRAY FROM PROSECUTION.

L. PATRICK GRAY FROM PROSECUTION. SULLIVAN WAS ACCIDENTALLY SHOT

PROSECUTION. SULLIVAN WAS ACCIDENTALLY SHOT DURING A NEW HAMPSHIRE HUNTING

SULLIVAN WAS ACCIDENTALLY SHOT DURING A NEW HAMPSHIRE HUNTING TRIP WHEN, ACCORDING TO THE

DURING A NEW HAMPSHIRE HUNTING TRIP WHEN, ACCORDING TO THE BUREAU, HE WAS REPORTEDLY

TRIP WHEN, ACCORDING TO THE BUREAU, HE WAS REPORTEDLY MISTAKEN FOR A DEER.

BUREAU, HE WAS REPORTEDLY MISTAKEN FOR A DEER. BUT THE DEATH OF SULLIVAN DIDN'T

MISTAKEN FOR A DEER. BUT THE DEATH OF SULLIVAN DIDN'T SPARE L. PATRICK GRAY, THE FBI'S

BUT THE DEATH OF SULLIVAN DIDN'T SPARE L. PATRICK GRAY, THE FBI'S FORMER ACTING DIRECTOR, FROM

SPARE L. PATRICK GRAY, THE FBI'S FORMER ACTING DIRECTOR, FROM BEING CHARGED WITH CONSPIRING TO

FORMER ACTING DIRECTOR, FROM BEING CHARGED WITH CONSPIRING TO DEPRIVE AMERICAN CITIZENS OF

BEING CHARGED WITH CONSPIRING TO DEPRIVE AMERICAN CITIZENS OF THEIR CIVIL RIGHTS.

DEPRIVE AMERICAN CITIZENS OF THEIR CIVIL RIGHTS. AND NOW HERE'S STARGAZER

THEIR CIVIL RIGHTS. AND NOW HERE'S STARGAZER BULL MURRAY WITH THIS WEEK'S

AND NOW HERE'S STARGAZER BULL MURRAY WITH THIS WEEK'S REVIEW.

BULL MURRAY WITH THIS WEEK'S REVIEW. BILL?

REVIEW. BILL? THANK YOU, JANE.

BILL? THANK YOU, JANE. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

THANK YOU, JANE. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] WELL, EVERYBODY'S TALKING ABOUT

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] WELL, EVERYBODY'S TALKING ABOUT "AMERICAN HOT WAX," PARAMOUNT'S

WELL, EVERYBODY'S TALKING ABOUT "AMERICAN HOT WAX," PARAMOUNT'S NEW FLICK THAT RIPS THE LID OFF

"AMERICAN HOT WAX," PARAMOUNT'S NEW FLICK THAT RIPS THE LID OFF THE ORIGINS OF THE ROCK-'N'-ROLL

NEW FLICK THAT RIPS THE LID OFF THE ORIGINS OF THE ROCK-'N'-ROLL GENERATION, BUT MORE THAN A

THE ORIGINS OF THE ROCK-'N'-ROLL GENERATION, BUT MORE THAN A SUPER MOVIE, "HOT WAX" IS THE

GENERATION, BUT MORE THAN A SUPER MOVIE, "HOT WAX" IS THE UNVEILING OF THE NEWEST STAR IN

SUPER MOVIE, "HOT WAX" IS THE UNVEILING OF THE NEWEST STAR IN THE HEAVENS OVER HOLLYWOOD.

UNVEILING OF THE NEWEST STAR IN THE HEAVENS OVER HOLLYWOOD. SHE'S THE CUTEST LITTLE PIXIE OF

THE HEAVENS OVER HOLLYWOOD. SHE'S THE CUTEST LITTLE PIXIE OF A DARLING SINCE

SHE'S THE CUTEST LITTLE PIXIE OF A DARLING SINCE CLAUDETTE COLBERT BROKE MY HEART

A DARLING SINCE CLAUDETTE COLBERT BROKE MY HEART AS A CHILD.

CLAUDETTE COLBERT BROKE MY HEART AS A CHILD. OF COURSE, I'M TALKING ABOUT A

AS A CHILD. OF COURSE, I'M TALKING ABOUT A GIRL NAMED LARAINE NEWMAN.

OF COURSE, I'M TALKING ABOUT A GIRL NAMED LARAINE NEWMAN. REMEMBER THAT NAME...

GIRL NAMED LARAINE NEWMAN. REMEMBER THAT NAME... LARAINE NEWMAN... BECAUSE WE'RE

REMEMBER THAT NAME... LARAINE NEWMAN... BECAUSE WE'RE GOING TO BE HEARING A LOT MORE

LARAINE NEWMAN... BECAUSE WE'RE GOING TO BE HEARING A LOT MORE FROM THIS PRETTY LITTLE DYNAMO.

GOING TO BE HEARING A LOT MORE FROM THIS PRETTY LITTLE DYNAMO. BUT INSTEAD OF JUST TALKING

FROM THIS PRETTY LITTLE DYNAMO. BUT INSTEAD OF JUST TALKING ABOUT IT, THE PARTY ANIMAL HERE

BUT INSTEAD OF JUST TALKING ABOUT IT, THE PARTY ANIMAL HERE FLEW OUT TO HOLLYWOOD TO HAVE AN

ABOUT IT, THE PARTY ANIMAL HERE FLEW OUT TO HOLLYWOOD TO HAVE AN EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW WITH

FLEW OUT TO HOLLYWOOD TO HAVE AN EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW WITH LARAINE.

EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW WITH LARAINE. WE WENT TO HER DRESSING ROOM ON

LARAINE. WE WENT TO HER DRESSING ROOM ON THE LOT WHERE SHE'S MAKING A NEW

WE WENT TO HER DRESSING ROOM ON THE LOT WHERE SHE'S MAKING A NEW MOVIE WITH ROBERT MITCHUM CALLED

THE LOT WHERE SHE'S MAKING A NEW MOVIE WITH ROBERT MITCHUM CALLED "SAY THAT TO MY FACE, BABY."

MOVIE WITH ROBERT MITCHUM CALLED "SAY THAT TO MY FACE, BABY." ANYWAY, HERE'S THE INTERVIEW WE

"SAY THAT TO MY FACE, BABY." ANYWAY, HERE'S THE INTERVIEW WE SHOT.

ANYWAY, HERE'S THE INTERVIEW WE SHOT. LET'S ROLL THAT FILM IF WE CAN.

SHOT. LET'S ROLL THAT FILM IF WE CAN. I'M SITTING HERE WITH

LET'S ROLL THAT FILM IF WE CAN. I'M SITTING HERE WITH LARAINE NEWMAN.

I'M SITTING HERE WITH LARAINE NEWMAN. REMEMBER THAT NAME...

LARAINE NEWMAN. REMEMBER THAT NAME... LARAINE NEWMAN... BECAUSE YOU'RE

REMEMBER THAT NAME... LARAINE NEWMAN... BECAUSE YOU'RE GOING TO BE SEEING AN AWFUL LOT

LARAINE NEWMAN... BECAUSE YOU'RE GOING TO BE SEEING AN AWFUL LOT OF THIS TINIEST OF KNUCKLEHEADS.

GOING TO BE SEEING AN AWFUL LOT OF THIS TINIEST OF KNUCKLEHEADS. LARAINE, WHY DID IT HAPPEN?

OF THIS TINIEST OF KNUCKLEHEADS. LARAINE, WHY DID IT HAPPEN? DO YOU EVER KNOW?

LARAINE, WHY DID IT HAPPEN? DO YOU EVER KNOW? WHY YOU?

DO YOU EVER KNOW? WHY YOU? HOW DOES IT FEEL TO BE ON THE

WHY YOU? HOW DOES IT FEEL TO BE ON THE THRESHOLD OF WHAT YOU ARE

HOW DOES IT FEEL TO BE ON THE THRESHOLD OF WHAT YOU ARE BECOMING?

THRESHOLD OF WHAT YOU ARE BECOMING? WELL, I THINK, FIRST OF ALL,

BECOMING? WELL, I THINK, FIRST OF ALL, BILL, I REALLY WANTED IT, YOU

WELL, I THINK, FIRST OF ALL, BILL, I REALLY WANTED IT, YOU KNOW?

BILL, I REALLY WANTED IT, YOU KNOW? AND ONE OF THE MOST IMPORTANT

KNOW? AND ONE OF THE MOST IMPORTANT THINGS I'VE LEARNED IS THAT

AND ONE OF THE MOST IMPORTANT THINGS I'VE LEARNED IS THAT YOU'VE GOT TO MAKE PEOPLE WANT

THINGS I'VE LEARNED IS THAT YOU'VE GOT TO MAKE PEOPLE WANT TO WATCH YOU, AND I DON'T

YOU'VE GOT TO MAKE PEOPLE WANT TO WATCH YOU, AND I DON'T KNOW... I GUESS PEOPLE JUST WANT

TO WATCH YOU, AND I DON'T KNOW... I GUESS PEOPLE JUST WANT TO WATCH ME.

KNOW... I GUESS PEOPLE JUST WANT TO WATCH ME. YOU'RE IMPULSIVE, AREN'T YOU?

TO WATCH ME. YOU'RE IMPULSIVE, AREN'T YOU? YES.

YOU'RE IMPULSIVE, AREN'T YOU? YES. [CHUCKLES]

YES. [CHUCKLES] YES, I REALLY AM.

[CHUCKLES] YES, I REALLY AM. YOU KNOW, THERE WAS THIS ONE

YES, I REALLY AM. YOU KNOW, THERE WAS THIS ONE TIME WHEN I REALLY WANTED TO GO

YOU KNOW, THERE WAS THIS ONE TIME WHEN I REALLY WANTED TO GO TO THE BEACH.

TIME WHEN I REALLY WANTED TO GO TO THE BEACH. AND I REALLY WANTED TO GO, AND I

TO THE BEACH. AND I REALLY WANTED TO GO, AND I REALLY WANTED TO GO.

AND I REALLY WANTED TO GO, AND I REALLY WANTED TO GO. AND THIS FRIEND CAME TO MY DOOR

REALLY WANTED TO GO. AND THIS FRIEND CAME TO MY DOOR AND WANTED TO GO TO THE BEACH,

AND THIS FRIEND CAME TO MY DOOR AND WANTED TO GO TO THE BEACH, AND SO I WENT, JUST LIKE THAT.

AND WANTED TO GO TO THE BEACH, AND SO I WENT, JUST LIKE THAT. [LAUGHS]

AND SO I WENT, JUST LIKE THAT. [LAUGHS] YOU ARE IMPULSIVE.

[LAUGHS] YOU ARE IMPULSIVE. REALLY.

YOU ARE IMPULSIVE. REALLY. [WATER RUNNING]

REALLY. [WATER RUNNING] HAS SUCCESS MADE YOU HAPPY?

[WATER RUNNING] HAS SUCCESS MADE YOU HAPPY? WELL, I'M HAPPY RIGHT NOW

HAS SUCCESS MADE YOU HAPPY? WELL, I'M HAPPY RIGHT NOW WHEN I'M TALKING TO YOU.

WELL, I'M HAPPY RIGHT NOW WHEN I'M TALKING TO YOU. ARE YOU HAPPY?

WHEN I'M TALKING TO YOU. ARE YOU HAPPY? WELL, YES, I'M HAPPY.

ARE YOU HAPPY? WELL, YES, I'M HAPPY. [WATER STOPS]

WELL, YES, I'M HAPPY. [WATER STOPS] [ZIPPER CLICKING]

[WATER STOPS] [ZIPPER CLICKING] YOU KNOW, I THINK THAT HAPPINESS

[ZIPPER CLICKING] YOU KNOW, I THINK THAT HAPPINESS IS RELATIVE, YOU KNOW?

YOU KNOW, I THINK THAT HAPPINESS IS RELATIVE, YOU KNOW? I DON'T THINK THERE'S ANYBODY IN

IS RELATIVE, YOU KNOW? I DON'T THINK THERE'S ANYBODY IN THE INDUSTRY WHO DOESN'T KNOW

I DON'T THINK THERE'S ANYBODY IN THE INDUSTRY WHO DOESN'T KNOW THAT.

THE INDUSTRY WHO DOESN'T KNOW THAT. BUT, YOU KNOW, I THINK THAT, YOU

THAT. BUT, YOU KNOW, I THINK THAT, YOU KNOW...

BUT, YOU KNOW, I THINK THAT, YOU KNOW... [OBJECT SPLASHES]

KNOW... [OBJECT SPLASHES] [SIGHS]

[OBJECT SPLASHES] [SIGHS] HAPPY IS AS HAPPY DOES,

[SIGHS] HAPPY IS AS HAPPY DOES, YOU KNOW?

HAPPY IS AS HAPPY DOES, YOU KNOW? [WATER SPLASHING]

YOU KNOW? [WATER SPLASHING] YOU WANT ME TO GET THAT SPONGE,

[WATER SPLASHING] YOU WANT ME TO GET THAT SPONGE, BABE?

YOU WANT ME TO GET THAT SPONGE, BABE? GET YOUR BACK FOR YOU?

BABE? GET YOUR BACK FOR YOU? 'CAUSE I CAN DO THAT.

GET YOUR BACK FOR YOU? 'CAUSE I CAN DO THAT. BOY, HOLLYWOOD IS AMAZING.

'CAUSE I CAN DO THAT. BOY, HOLLYWOOD IS AMAZING. IS THIS THE SET YOU USED FOR THE

BOY, HOLLYWOOD IS AMAZING. IS THIS THE SET YOU USED FOR THE NEW YORK SHOTS IN "HOT WAX,"

IS THIS THE SET YOU USED FOR THE NEW YORK SHOTS IN "HOT WAX," LARAINE?

NEW YORK SHOTS IN "HOT WAX," LARAINE? NO.

LARAINE? NO. ACTUALLY, THERE'S A VERY FUNNY

NO. ACTUALLY, THERE'S A VERY FUNNY STORY BEHIND THAT.

ACTUALLY, THERE'S A VERY FUNNY STORY BEHIND THAT. ONE WEEKEND I WAS REALLY

STORY BEHIND THAT. ONE WEEKEND I WAS REALLY HOMESICK FOR NEW YORK, AND

ONE WEEKEND I WAS REALLY HOMESICK FOR NEW YORK, AND PARAMOUNT BUILT THIS EXACT

HOMESICK FOR NEW YORK, AND PARAMOUNT BUILT THIS EXACT REPLICA OF CENTRAL PARK FOR ME.

PARAMOUNT BUILT THIS EXACT REPLICA OF CENTRAL PARK FOR ME. I JUST GOT TO WORK ONE MORNING,

REPLICA OF CENTRAL PARK FOR ME. I JUST GOT TO WORK ONE MORNING, AND THERE IT WAS.

I JUST GOT TO WORK ONE MORNING, AND THERE IT WAS. ISN'T IT NICE?

AND THERE IT WAS. ISN'T IT NICE? THAT'S A BIG LAKE BACK THERE.

ISN'T IT NICE? THAT'S A BIG LAKE BACK THERE. I'VE GOT MY DUCKS IN THERE.

THAT'S A BIG LAKE BACK THERE. I'VE GOT MY DUCKS IN THERE. WELL, YOU CAN SEE WHY I'M

I'VE GOT MY DUCKS IN THERE. WELL, YOU CAN SEE WHY I'M EXCITED ABOUT THIS GIRL.

WELL, YOU CAN SEE WHY I'M EXCITED ABOUT THIS GIRL. OFF THE RECORD, I TOLD LARAINE,

EXCITED ABOUT THIS GIRL. OFF THE RECORD, I TOLD LARAINE, "HONEY, YOU'RE GONNA BE OUR NEXT

OFF THE RECORD, I TOLD LARAINE, "HONEY, YOU'RE GONNA BE OUR NEXT UNPARALLELED SUPERSTAR, BUT

"HONEY, YOU'RE GONNA BE OUR NEXT UNPARALLELED SUPERSTAR, BUT DON'T CHANGE.

UNPARALLELED SUPERSTAR, BUT DON'T CHANGE. DON'T FORGET THE PEOPLE AND THE

DON'T CHANGE. DON'T FORGET THE PEOPLE AND THE REVIEWERS YOU MET ON THE WAY

DON'T FORGET THE PEOPLE AND THE REVIEWERS YOU MET ON THE WAY UP."

REVIEWERS YOU MET ON THE WAY UP." SO GOOD LUCK, YOU TINY LITTLE

UP." SO GOOD LUCK, YOU TINY LITTLE SUPERSTAR.

SO GOOD LUCK, YOU TINY LITTLE SUPERSTAR. GET OUT OF HERE AND GO HAVE SOME

SUPERSTAR. GET OUT OF HERE AND GO HAVE SOME FUN.

GET OUT OF HERE AND GO HAVE SOME FUN. YOU'RE TERRIFIC, LARAINE.

FUN. YOU'RE TERRIFIC, LARAINE. BACK TO YOU, JANE.

YOU'RE TERRIFIC, LARAINE. BACK TO YOU, JANE. THANK YOU, BILL.

BACK TO YOU, JANE. THANK YOU, BILL. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

THANK YOU, BILL. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] WELL, OUR RECENT STORY ABOUT

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] WELL, OUR RECENT STORY ABOUT ORSON WELLES' SKIING ACCIDENT

WELL, OUR RECENT STORY ABOUT ORSON WELLES' SKIING ACCIDENT HAS HAD A HAPPY ENDING.

ORSON WELLES' SKIING ACCIDENT HAS HAD A HAPPY ENDING. ORSON IS FULLY RECOVERED AND WAS

HAS HAD A HAPPY ENDING. ORSON IS FULLY RECOVERED AND WAS SEEN SKATEBOARDING YESTERDAY IN

ORSON IS FULLY RECOVERED AND WAS SEEN SKATEBOARDING YESTERDAY IN THE STREETS OF ASPEN, COLORADO.

SEEN SKATEBOARDING YESTERDAY IN THE STREETS OF ASPEN, COLORADO. THIS WEEK'S POINT/COUNTERPOINT

THE STREETS OF ASPEN, COLORADO. THIS WEEK'S POINT/COUNTERPOINT IS ON THE NEUTRON BOMB.

THIS WEEK'S POINT/COUNTERPOINT IS ON THE NEUTRON BOMB. OH, BOY, A BOMB THAT KILLS

IS ON THE NEUTRON BOMB. OH, BOY, A BOMB THAT KILLS PEOPLE AND LEAVES PROPERTY

OH, BOY, A BOMB THAT KILLS PEOPLE AND LEAVES PROPERTY INTACT.

PEOPLE AND LEAVES PROPERTY INTACT. THAT OUGHT TO MAKE YOUR

INTACT. THAT OUGHT TO MAKE YOUR MILITARISTIC, CAPITALISTIC HEART

THAT OUGHT TO MAKE YOUR MILITARISTIC, CAPITALISTIC HEART GO PITTER-PATTER, DAN.

MILITARISTIC, CAPITALISTIC HEART GO PITTER-PATTER, DAN. SO WHAT IF A FEW MILLION PEOPLE

GO PITTER-PATTER, DAN. SO WHAT IF A FEW MILLION PEOPLE DIE SO LONG AS THE MEANS OF

SO WHAT IF A FEW MILLION PEOPLE DIE SO LONG AS THE MEANS OF PRODUCTION STAY IN YOUR CONTROL

DIE SO LONG AS THE MEANS OF PRODUCTION STAY IN YOUR CONTROL SO YOU CAN LIVE HIGH ON THE HOG

PRODUCTION STAY IN YOUR CONTROL SO YOU CAN LIVE HIGH ON THE HOG OFF THE SWEAT AND BLOOD OF

SO YOU CAN LIVE HIGH ON THE HOG OFF THE SWEAT AND BLOOD OF OTHERS?

OFF THE SWEAT AND BLOOD OF OTHERS? YOU'RE A PIG, DAN.

OTHERS? YOU'RE A PIG, DAN. MY ONLY CONSOLATION IS THAT

YOU'RE A PIG, DAN. MY ONLY CONSOLATION IS THAT YOU'LL PROBABLY CONTINUE TO GAIN

MY ONLY CONSOLATION IS THAT YOU'LL PROBABLY CONTINUE TO GAIN WEIGHT AND DIE OF A HEART ATTACK

YOU'LL PROBABLY CONTINUE TO GAIN WEIGHT AND DIE OF A HEART ATTACK AT AN EARLY AGE.

WEIGHT AND DIE OF A HEART ATTACK AT AN EARLY AGE. I NEVER CEASE TO BE AMAZED AT

AT AN EARLY AGE. I NEVER CEASE TO BE AMAZED AT YOUR STUPIDITY, JANE.

I NEVER CEASE TO BE AMAZED AT YOUR STUPIDITY, JANE. THE COLD WAR IS NO SUNDAY SCHOOL

YOUR STUPIDITY, JANE. THE COLD WAR IS NO SUNDAY SCHOOL PICNIC.

THE COLD WAR IS NO SUNDAY SCHOOL PICNIC. THE RUSSIANS MEAN BUSINESS, AND,

PICNIC. THE RUSSIANS MEAN BUSINESS, AND, BY GEORGE, SO SHOULD WE.

THE RUSSIANS MEAN BUSINESS, AND, BY GEORGE, SO SHOULD WE. IF WE CAN DEVELOP A MILITARY

BY GEORGE, SO SHOULD WE. IF WE CAN DEVELOP A MILITARY EDGE, LET'S DO IT.

IF WE CAN DEVELOP A MILITARY EDGE, LET'S DO IT. I HATE THE COMMUNISTS, AND SO

EDGE, LET'S DO IT. I HATE THE COMMUNISTS, AND SO SHOULD YOU, JANE.

I HATE THE COMMUNISTS, AND SO SHOULD YOU, JANE. IF THEY TAKE OVER, THEY'RE NOT

SHOULD YOU, JANE. IF THEY TAKE OVER, THEY'RE NOT GOING TO BE ANY EASIER ON YOU

IF THEY TAKE OVER, THEY'RE NOT GOING TO BE ANY EASIER ON YOU BLEEDING-HEART LIBERALS THEN ON

GOING TO BE ANY EASIER ON YOU BLEEDING-HEART LIBERALS THEN ON US, DEFENDERS OF THE FREEDOM.

BLEEDING-HEART LIBERALS THEN ON US, DEFENDERS OF THE FREEDOM. REMEMBER WHAT THE RUSSIAN

US, DEFENDERS OF THE FREEDOM. REMEMBER WHAT THE RUSSIAN SOLDIERS DID TO THE GERMAN WOMEN

REMEMBER WHAT THE RUSSIAN SOLDIERS DID TO THE GERMAN WOMEN AT THE END OF WORLD WAR II.

SOLDIERS DID TO THE GERMAN WOMEN AT THE END OF WORLD WAR II. BUT I GUESS YOU HAVE NOTHING TO

AT THE END OF WORLD WAR II. BUT I GUESS YOU HAVE NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT THERE, YOU AGING,

BUT I GUESS YOU HAVE NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT THERE, YOU AGING, DRIED-OUT, OLD HAG.

WORRY ABOUT THERE, YOU AGING, DRIED-OUT, OLD HAG. THANK YOU, JANE.

DRIED-OUT, OLD HAG. THANK YOU, JANE. THANK YOU.

THANK YOU, JANE. THANK YOU. WELL, JUDGING BY THE WEATHER, IT

THANK YOU. WELL, JUDGING BY THE WEATHER, IT LOOKS LIKE SPRING IS HERE TO

WELL, JUDGING BY THE WEATHER, IT LOOKS LIKE SPRING IS HERE TO STAY.

LOOKS LIKE SPRING IS HERE TO STAY. THE GRASS THE GREEN, THE

STAY. THE GRASS THE GREEN, THE BASEBALL SEASON JUST OPENED, AND

THE GRASS THE GREEN, THE BASEBALL SEASON JUST OPENED, AND EVERYBODY LOVES TO BE IN LOVE,

BASEBALL SEASON JUST OPENED, AND EVERYBODY LOVES TO BE IN LOVE, AND HERE TO REPORT ON SPRING

EVERYBODY LOVES TO BE IN LOVE, AND HERE TO REPORT ON SPRING FEVER IS CORRESPONDENT

AND HERE TO REPORT ON SPRING FEVER IS CORRESPONDENT ROSEANNE ROSEANNADANNA.

FEVER IS CORRESPONDENT ROSEANNE ROSEANNADANNA. ROSEANNE?

ROSEANNE ROSEANNADANNA. ROSEANNE? THANKS A LOT, JANE!

ROSEANNE? THANKS A LOT, JANE! UH, MISS DORIS POWELL OF

THANKS A LOT, JANE! UH, MISS DORIS POWELL OF FORT LEE, NEW JERSEY, WRITES IN

UH, MISS DORIS POWELL OF FORT LEE, NEW JERSEY, WRITES IN AND SAYS, "DEAR

FORT LEE, NEW JERSEY, WRITES IN AND SAYS, "DEAR ROSEANNE ROSEANNADANNA, IT'S

AND SAYS, "DEAR ROSEANNE ROSEANNADANNA, IT'S SPRING, AND I'M DEPRESSED AS A

ROSEANNE ROSEANNADANNA, IT'S SPRING, AND I'M DEPRESSED AS A DOG.

SPRING, AND I'M DEPRESSED AS A DOG. WHAT SHOULD I DO?"

DOG. WHAT SHOULD I DO?" WELL, MISS POWELL, I KNOW

WHAT SHOULD I DO?" WELL, MISS POWELL, I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT YOU'RE GOING

WELL, MISS POWELL, I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT YOU'RE GOING THROUGH, 'CAUSE ONCE, I,

EXACTLY WHAT YOU'RE GOING THROUGH, 'CAUSE ONCE, I, ROSEANNE ROSEANNADANNA, WAS SO

THROUGH, 'CAUSE ONCE, I, ROSEANNE ROSEANNADANNA, WAS SO DEPRESSED I THOUGHT I WAS GONNA

ROSEANNE ROSEANNADANNA, WAS SO DEPRESSED I THOUGHT I WAS GONNA DIE.

DEPRESSED I THOUGHT I WAS GONNA DIE. YOU SEE, MY BOYFRIEND, WHO I WAS

DIE. YOU SEE, MY BOYFRIEND, WHO I WAS SEEING FOR A LONG TIME... HE

YOU SEE, MY BOYFRIEND, WHO I WAS SEEING FOR A LONG TIME... HE DROPPED ME LIKE A HOT POTATO.

SEEING FOR A LONG TIME... HE DROPPED ME LIKE A HOT POTATO. I FELT SO SAD I COULDN'T EAT, I

DROPPED ME LIKE A HOT POTATO. I FELT SO SAD I COULDN'T EAT, I COULDN'T SLEEP, I COULDN'T LEAVE

I FELT SO SAD I COULDN'T EAT, I COULDN'T SLEEP, I COULDN'T LEAVE THE HOUSE, I COULDN'T DO

COULDN'T SLEEP, I COULDN'T LEAVE THE HOUSE, I COULDN'T DO NOTHING.

THE HOUSE, I COULDN'T DO NOTHING. I STARTED WEARING THE SAME

NOTHING. I STARTED WEARING THE SAME CLOTHES EVERY DAY.

I STARTED WEARING THE SAME CLOTHES EVERY DAY. YOU KNOW I WAS EVEN THINKING OF

CLOTHES EVERY DAY. YOU KNOW I WAS EVEN THINKING OF BECOMING A NUN...

YOU KNOW I WAS EVEN THINKING OF BECOMING A NUN... SISTER MARY ELIZABETH ROSEANNE

BECOMING A NUN... SISTER MARY ELIZABETH ROSEANNE ROSEANNADANNA?

SISTER MARY ELIZABETH ROSEANNE ROSEANNADANNA? BUT THEN I REALIZED I DON'T

ROSEANNADANNA? BUT THEN I REALIZED I DON'T WANT TO BE NO NUN.

BUT THEN I REALIZED I DON'T WANT TO BE NO NUN. WHAT KIND OF LIFE IS THAT?

WANT TO BE NO NUN. WHAT KIND OF LIFE IS THAT? YOU SWEAT TOO MUCH AT THE BEACH.

WHAT KIND OF LIFE IS THAT? YOU SWEAT TOO MUCH AT THE BEACH. SO I PICKED MYSELF UP, I LOOKED

YOU SWEAT TOO MUCH AT THE BEACH. SO I PICKED MYSELF UP, I LOOKED AT MYSELF IN THE MIRROR, AND

SO I PICKED MYSELF UP, I LOOKED AT MYSELF IN THE MIRROR, AND SAID, "HEY, I'M OKAY.

AT MYSELF IN THE MIRROR, AND SAID, "HEY, I'M OKAY. YOU'RE OKAY.

SAID, "HEY, I'M OKAY. YOU'RE OKAY. I'M MY OWN BEST FRIEND.

YOU'RE OKAY. I'M MY OWN BEST FRIEND. YES, I CAN.

I'M MY OWN BEST FRIEND. YES, I CAN. MY ERRONEOUS ZONES.

YES, I CAN. MY ERRONEOUS ZONES. I HAVE NO FEAR OF FLYING.

MY ERRONEOUS ZONES. I HAVE NO FEAR OF FLYING. I AM WOMAN, HEAR ME ROAR."

I HAVE NO FEAR OF FLYING. I AM WOMAN, HEAR ME ROAR." [ROARS]

I AM WOMAN, HEAR ME ROAR." [ROARS] AND I STARTED TO FEEL REAL ZIPPY

[ROARS] AND I STARTED TO FEEL REAL ZIPPY AND GOOD.

AND I STARTED TO FEEL REAL ZIPPY AND GOOD. I REMEMBER THE FIRST TIME I

AND GOOD. I REMEMBER THE FIRST TIME I STARTED FEELING LIKE A REAL

I REMEMBER THE FIRST TIME I STARTED FEELING LIKE A REAL WOMAN.

STARTED FEELING LIKE A REAL WOMAN. YOU SEE, WHEN I WAS LITTLE, I

WOMAN. YOU SEE, WHEN I WAS LITTLE, I USED TO BE A TOMBOY.

YOU SEE, WHEN I WAS LITTLE, I USED TO BE A TOMBOY. I DIDN'T LIKE GIRLS... THEY WERE

USED TO BE A TOMBOY. I DIDN'T LIKE GIRLS... THEY WERE ALWAYS CRYING AND PLAYING WITH

I DIDN'T LIKE GIRLS... THEY WERE ALWAYS CRYING AND PLAYING WITH DOLLS, SO I PLAYED BASEBALL AND

ALWAYS CRYING AND PLAYING WITH DOLLS, SO I PLAYED BASEBALL AND FOOTBALL AND BASKETBALL WITH THE

DOLLS, SO I PLAYED BASEBALL AND FOOTBALL AND BASKETBALL WITH THE GUYS.

FOOTBALL AND BASKETBALL WITH THE GUYS. BUT PRETTY SOON, I STARTED TO

GUYS. BUT PRETTY SOON, I STARTED TO NOTICE THAT I FELT A LITTLE

BUT PRETTY SOON, I STARTED TO NOTICE THAT I FELT A LITTLE STRANGE INSIDE, LIKE I NEVER

NOTICE THAT I FELT A LITTLE STRANGE INSIDE, LIKE I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE, AND I

STRANGE INSIDE, LIKE I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE, AND I ASKED MY MOTHER.

FELT THIS WAY BEFORE, AND I ASKED MY MOTHER. I SAID, "MOM, HEY, WHAT'S GOING

ASKED MY MOTHER. I SAID, "MOM, HEY, WHAT'S GOING ON IN HERE?"

I SAID, "MOM, HEY, WHAT'S GOING ON IN HERE?" AND SHE GIVES ME THIS LITTLE

ON IN HERE?" AND SHE GIVES ME THIS LITTLE BOOK CALLED

AND SHE GIVES ME THIS LITTLE BOOK CALLED "WHY JANE CAN'T GO SWIMMING."

HMM. THIS BOOK... IT HAD A LOT OF PICTURES OF GIRLS SITTING AROUND

THIS BOOK... IT HAD A LOT OF PICTURES OF GIRLS SITTING AROUND THE POOL IN ONE-PIECE BATHING

PICTURES OF GIRLS SITTING AROUND THE POOL IN ONE-PIECE BATHING SUITS.

THE POOL IN ONE-PIECE BATHING SUITS. WHICH REMINDS ME... YOU KNOW

SUITS. WHICH REMINDS ME... YOU KNOW WHAT REALLY MAKES ME SICK?

WHICH REMINDS ME... YOU KNOW WHAT REALLY MAKES ME SICK? WHEN IT'S SUMMER AND YOU'RE AT

WHAT REALLY MAKES ME SICK? WHEN IT'S SUMMER AND YOU'RE AT THE PARK AND YOU'RE REAL THIRSTY

WHEN IT'S SUMMER AND YOU'RE AT THE PARK AND YOU'RE REAL THIRSTY AND YOU GO TO THE DRINKING

THE PARK AND YOU'RE REAL THIRSTY AND YOU GO TO THE DRINKING FOUNTAIN AND SOMEBODY SPIT

AND YOU GO TO THE DRINKING FOUNTAIN AND SOMEBODY SPIT SOMETHING IN THERE THAT'S REAL

FOUNTAIN AND SOMEBODY SPIT SOMETHING IN THERE THAT'S REAL WEIRD AND YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT IT

SOMETHING IN THERE THAT'S REAL WEIRD AND YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS AND IT'S ON THE TOP...

WEIRD AND YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS AND IT'S ON THE TOP... WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING

IS AND IT'S ON THE TOP... WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?!

WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?! WHY IS IT THAT YOU ALWAYS STRAY

ABOUT?! WHY IS IT THAT YOU ALWAYS STRAY FROM THE SUBJECT?

WHY IS IT THAT YOU ALWAYS STRAY FROM THE SUBJECT? YOU COME ON THE SHOW AND YOU

FROM THE SUBJECT? YOU COME ON THE SHOW AND YOU TALK ABOUT YOUR OWN PERSONAL,

YOU COME ON THE SHOW AND YOU TALK ABOUT YOUR OWN PERSONAL, DISGUSTING PROBLEMS.

TALK ABOUT YOUR OWN PERSONAL, DISGUSTING PROBLEMS. WELL, JANE, IT JUST GOES TO

DISGUSTING PROBLEMS. WELL, JANE, IT JUST GOES TO SHOW YOU, IT'S ALWAYS SOMETHING.

WELL, JANE, IT JUST GOES TO SHOW YOU, IT'S ALWAYS SOMETHING. IT'S LIKE MY FATHER USED TO SAY

SHOW YOU, IT'S ALWAYS SOMETHING. IT'S LIKE MY FATHER USED TO SAY TO ME BEFORE I'D GO TO BED...

IT'S LIKE MY FATHER USED TO SAY TO ME BEFORE I'D GO TO BED... HE'D TUCK ME IN AND MAKE SURE I

TO ME BEFORE I'D GO TO BED... HE'D TUCK ME IN AND MAKE SURE I WAS AS SNUG AS A BUG IN A RUG,

HE'D TUCK ME IN AND MAKE SURE I WAS AS SNUG AS A BUG IN A RUG, AND HE'D TUCK ME IN AND HE'D SAY

WAS AS SNUG AS A BUG IN A RUG, AND HE'D TUCK ME IN AND HE'D SAY THIS LITTLE POEM WRITTEN BY MY

AND HE'D TUCK ME IN AND HE'D SAY THIS LITTLE POEM WRITTEN BY MY GRANDMOTHER, NANA ROSEANNADANNA.

THIS LITTLE POEM WRITTEN BY MY GRANDMOTHER, NANA ROSEANNADANNA. AND HE'D SAY, "ROSES ARE RED.

GRANDMOTHER, NANA ROSEANNADANNA. AND HE'D SAY, "ROSES ARE RED. PENCILS ARE LEAD.

AND HE'D SAY, "ROSES ARE RED. PENCILS ARE LEAD. HERE'S A LITTLE POEM BEFORE YOU

PENCILS ARE LEAD. HERE'S A LITTLE POEM BEFORE YOU GO TO BED.

HERE'S A LITTLE POEM BEFORE YOU GO TO BED. VIOLETS ARE BLUE.

GO TO BED. VIOLETS ARE BLUE. I'LL GIVE YOU A CLUE.

VIOLETS ARE BLUE. I'LL GIVE YOU A CLUE. IT'S SOMETHING I WROTE JUST FOR

I'LL GIVE YOU A CLUE. IT'S SOMETHING I WROTE JUST FOR YOU.

IT'S SOMETHING I WROTE JUST FOR YOU. SHAMROCKS ARE GREEN.

YOU. SHAMROCKS ARE GREEN. CORNED BEEF IS LEAN.

SHAMROCKS ARE GREEN. CORNED BEEF IS LEAN. YOU'RE THE CUTEST GIRL I'VE EVER

CORNED BEEF IS LEAN. YOU'RE THE CUTEST GIRL I'VE EVER SEEN.

YOU'RE THE CUTEST GIRL I'VE EVER SEEN. DAFFODILS ARE YELLOW.

SEEN. DAFFODILS ARE YELLOW. DONOVAN SINGS "MELLOW."

DAFFODILS ARE YELLOW. DONOVAN SINGS "MELLOW." IF YOU WERE MY SON, I'D BE A

DONOVAN SINGS "MELLOW." IF YOU WERE MY SON, I'D BE A JOLLY GOOD FELLOW.

IF YOU WERE MY SON, I'D BE A JOLLY GOOD FELLOW. TULIPS ARE PINK.

JOLLY GOOD FELLOW. TULIPS ARE PINK. A PLUMBER FIXED MY SINK.

TULIPS ARE PINK. A PLUMBER FIXED MY SINK. ISN'T THIS FUN?

A PLUMBER FIXED MY SINK. ISN'T THIS FUN? WHAT DO YOU THINK?

ISN'T THIS FUN? WHAT DO YOU THINK? CARNATIONS ARE PLAIN.

WHAT DO YOU THINK? CARNATIONS ARE PLAIN. I LEFT A CUPCAKE IN THE RAIN.

CARNATIONS ARE PLAIN. I LEFT A CUPCAKE IN THE RAIN. THIS IS REALLY GOING GOOD.

I LEFT A CUPCAKE IN THE RAIN. THIS IS REALLY GOING GOOD. TAKE IT, JANE!

THIS IS REALLY GOING GOOD. TAKE IT, JANE! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

TAKE IT, JANE! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] THAT'S THE NEWS.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] THAT'S THE NEWS. GOOD NIGHT, AND HAVE A PLEASANT

THAT'S THE NEWS. GOOD NIGHT, AND HAVE A PLEASANT TOMORROW.

GOOD NIGHT, AND HAVE A PLEASANT TOMORROW. Announcer: "WEEKEND UPDATE"

TOMORROW. Announcer: "WEEKEND UPDATE" IS A PRESENTATION OF

Announcer: "WEEKEND UPDATE" IS A PRESENTATION OF "SATURDAY NIGHT NEWS,"

IS A PRESENTATION OF "SATURDAY NIGHT NEWS," KEEPING AMERICA INFORMED

"SATURDAY NIGHT NEWS," KEEPING AMERICA INFORMED FOR OVER 1/50 OF A CENTURY.

[INDISTINCT SHOUTING] COME ON, NOVELLO! COME ON!

COME ON, NOVELLO! COME ON! I KNOW HIM... HE'S NOTHING!

COME ON! I KNOW HIM... HE'S NOTHING! GIVE HIM A GOOD SHOT!

I KNOW HIM... HE'S NOTHING! GIVE HIM A GOOD SHOT! GIVE HIM A SHOT, NOVELLO!

GIVE HIM A GOOD SHOT! GIVE HIM A SHOT, NOVELLO! OKAY!

GIVE HIM A SHOT, NOVELLO! OKAY! ONE MORE TIME, I'M GONNA COME

OKAY! ONE MORE TIME, I'M GONNA COME UP THERE.

ONE MORE TIME, I'M GONNA COME UP THERE. I'M GONNA PASS MY HAND BY YOUR

UP THERE. I'M GONNA PASS MY HAND BY YOUR FACE.

I'M GONNA PASS MY HAND BY YOUR FACE. [CROWD JEERS]

FACE. [CROWD JEERS] [WHISTLE BLOWS]

[CROWD JEERS] [WHISTLE BLOWS] NUMBER 44 YELLOW, FIGHTING.

[WHISTLE BLOWS] NUMBER 44 YELLOW, FIGHTING. NUMBER 23 BLUE, FIGHTING.

NUMBER 44 YELLOW, FIGHTING. NUMBER 23 BLUE, FIGHTING. SALT LAKE PLAYER NUMBER 43,

NUMBER 23 BLUE, FIGHTING. SALT LAKE PLAYER NUMBER 43, NOVELLO... FIVE MINUTES,

SALT LAKE PLAYER NUMBER 43, NOVELLO... FIVE MINUTES, FIGHTING.

NOVELLO... FIVE MINUTES, FIGHTING. SAN ANTONIO PLAYER NUMBER 44,

FIGHTING. SAN ANTONIO PLAYER NUMBER 44, LAVIOLETTE, FIVE MINUTES,

SAN ANTONIO PLAYER NUMBER 44, LAVIOLETTE, FIVE MINUTES, FIGHTING.

LAVIOLETTE, FIVE MINUTES, FIGHTING. [INDISTINCT SHOUTING]

FIGHTING. [INDISTINCT SHOUTING] BREAK IT UP!

[INDISTINCT SHOUTING] BREAK IT UP! BREAK IT UP!

BREAK IT UP! BREAK IT UP! BREAK IT UP!

BREAK IT UP! BREAK IT UP! OH, YOU'LL BE FIRED!

BREAK IT UP! OH, YOU'LL BE FIRED! NOW, I MEAN IT, NOW!

OH, YOU'LL BE FIRED! NOW, I MEAN IT, NOW! FRENCH GUY'S AN ANIMAL, MAN.

NOW, I MEAN IT, NOW! FRENCH GUY'S AN ANIMAL, MAN. HE'S GOT NO CLASS AT ALL.

FRENCH GUY'S AN ANIMAL, MAN. HE'S GOT NO CLASS AT ALL. WHO, LAVIOLETTE?

HE'S GOT NO CLASS AT ALL. WHO, LAVIOLETTE? OH, HE'S NOT WORSE THAN THOSE

WHO, LAVIOLETTE? OH, HE'S NOT WORSE THAN THOSE TEXAS FANS.

OH, HE'S NOT WORSE THAN THOSE TEXAS FANS. I KNOW THAT GUY.

TEXAS FANS. I KNOW THAT GUY. JEAN LAVIOLETTE.

I KNOW THAT GUY. JEAN LAVIOLETTE. I WENT TO SCHOOL WITH HIM IN

JEAN LAVIOLETTE. I WENT TO SCHOOL WITH HIM IN THREE RIVERS, QUEBEC.

I WENT TO SCHOOL WITH HIM IN THREE RIVERS, QUEBEC. WE KNOW EACH OTHER.

THREE RIVERS, QUEBEC. WE KNOW EACH OTHER. HURTUBISE, TWO MINUTES IS UP.

WE KNOW EACH OTHER. HURTUBISE, TWO MINUTES IS UP. FIVE-SECOND COUNTDOWN.

HURTUBISE, TWO MINUTES IS UP. FIVE-SECOND COUNTDOWN. OKAY, DONNY, HERE I GO.

FIVE-SECOND COUNTDOWN. OKAY, DONNY, HERE I GO. STAY COOL.

OKAY, DONNY, HERE I GO. STAY COOL. REMEMBER, WE'RE PROFESSIONALS.

STAY COOL. REMEMBER, WE'RE PROFESSIONALS. OKAY, GO, JEAN, GO, JEAN!

REMEMBER, WE'RE PROFESSIONALS. OKAY, GO, JEAN, GO, JEAN! [WHISTLE BLOWS]

OKAY, GO, JEAN, GO, JEAN! [WHISTLE BLOWS] NUMBER 5 BLUE, HIGH-STICKING.

[WHISTLE BLOWS] NUMBER 5 BLUE, HIGH-STICKING. SEAGULL'S PLAYER NUMBER 5,

NUMBER 5 BLUE, HIGH-STICKING. SEAGULL'S PLAYER NUMBER 5, HURTUBISE.

SEAGULL'S PLAYER NUMBER 5, HURTUBISE. TWO MINUTES FOR HIGH-STICKING.

HURTUBISE. TWO MINUTES FOR HIGH-STICKING. NO, IT'S OKAY.

TWO MINUTES FOR HIGH-STICKING. NO, IT'S OKAY. I KNOW THAT GUY.

NO, IT'S OKAY. I KNOW THAT GUY. HEY.

I KNOW THAT GUY. HEY. [French-Canadian accent]

HEY. [French-Canadian accent] çA VA, çA VA...

[French-Canadian accent] çA VA, çA VA... YOU SPEAK ENGLISH.

ÇA VA, çA VA... YOU SPEAK ENGLISH. NOT TOO MUCH HERE IN TEXAS.

YOU SPEAK ENGLISH. NOT TOO MUCH HERE IN TEXAS. THEY ALL SPEAK ENGLISH HERE, SO

NOT TOO MUCH HERE IN TEXAS. THEY ALL SPEAK ENGLISH HERE, SO I HAVE TO SPEAK ENGLISH.

THEY ALL SPEAK ENGLISH HERE, SO I HAVE TO SPEAK ENGLISH. IN SAN ANTONIO, YOU DON'T FIND A

I HAVE TO SPEAK ENGLISH. IN SAN ANTONIO, YOU DON'T FIND A LOT OF QUEBECERS.

IN SAN ANTONIO, YOU DON'T FIND A LOT OF QUEBECERS. SO THEY TRADED YOU FROM THE

LOT OF QUEBECERS. SO THEY TRADED YOU FROM THE STINGERS?

SO THEY TRADED YOU FROM THE STINGERS? OUAIS, THE CINCINNATI

STINGERS? OUAIS, THE CINCINNATI STINGERS ENTRAINé AVEC THE

OUAIS, THE CINCINNATI STINGERS ENTRAINé AVEC THE CALIFORNIA SEALS.

STINGERS ENTRAINé AVEC THE CALIFORNIA SEALS. OUAIS, POUR CINQ AMéRICAINS.

CALIFORNIA SEALS. OUAIS, POUR CINQ AMéRICAINS. OH, MON DIEU.

OUAIS, POUR CINQ AMéRICAINS. OH, MON DIEU. ET PUIS TOI?

OH, MON DIEU. ET PUIS TOI? OU éTIEZ-VOUS ENTRAINé?

ET PUIS TOI? OU éTIEZ-VOUS ENTRAINé? JE M'éTAIS ENTRAINé PAR LES

OU éTIEZ-VOUS ENTRAINé? JE M'éTAIS ENTRAINé PAR LES BIRMINGHAM BULLS à

JE M'éTAIS ENTRAINé PAR LES BIRMINGHAM BULLS à SALT LAKE CITY.

BIRMINGHAM BULLS à SALT LAKE CITY. SALT LAKE CITY?

SALT LAKE CITY. SALT LAKE CITY? WHAT'S IT LIKE UP THERE?

SALT LAKE CITY? WHAT'S IT LIKE UP THERE? QU'EST-CE QUE T'AS FAIT Là-BAS?

WHAT'S IT LIKE UP THERE? QU'EST-CE QUE T'AS FAIT Là-BAS? OH, C'EST DU FUN.

QU'EST-CE QUE T'AS FAIT Là-BAS? OH, C'EST DU FUN. L'ANNéE PASSéE Là, J'AI FAIT

OH, C'EST DU FUN. L'ANNéE PASSéE Là, J'AI FAIT DU SHOPPING.

L'ANNéE PASSéE Là, J'AI FAIT DU SHOPPING. J'AI ACHETé UN COLOR TV, A CB

DU SHOPPING. J'AI ACHETé UN COLOR TV, A CB RADIO, MOTOR HOME, WASHER/DRYER.

J'AI ACHETé UN COLOR TV, A CB RADIO, MOTOR HOME, WASHER/DRYER. OH, ME TOO.

RADIO, MOTOR HOME, WASHER/DRYER. OH, ME TOO. JE SUIS MARlé UNE BELLE TEXAS

OH, ME TOO. JE SUIS MARlé UNE BELLE TEXAS COWGIRL... BLONDE... ET PUIS

JE SUIS MARlé UNE BELLE TEXAS COWGIRL... BLONDE... ET PUIS ACHETé UN CHRYSLER, PUIS UN GROS

COWGIRL... BLONDE... ET PUIS ACHETé UN CHRYSLER, PUIS UN GROS RANCH HOUSE, EH?

ACHETé UN CHRYSLER, PUIS UN GROS RANCH HOUSE, EH? AH, OUI?

RANCH HOUSE, EH? AH, OUI? YEAH.

AH, OUI? YEAH. HEY, THEY'VE GOT NICE BOOTS

YEAH. HEY, THEY'VE GOT NICE BOOTS HERE IN TEXAS.

HEY, THEY'VE GOT NICE BOOTS HERE IN TEXAS. YEAH.

HERE IN TEXAS. YEAH. ME, I GOT CUSTOM-MADE COWBOY

YEAH. ME, I GOT CUSTOM-MADE COWBOY BOOTS.

ME, I GOT CUSTOM-MADE COWBOY BOOTS. CUSTOM-MADE COWBOY BOOTS.

BOOTS. CUSTOM-MADE COWBOY BOOTS. HEY, YOU BEEN BACK TO QUEBEC?

CUSTOM-MADE COWBOY BOOTS. HEY, YOU BEEN BACK TO QUEBEC? YEAH, I BEEN BACK AT

HEY, YOU BEEN BACK TO QUEBEC? YEAH, I BEEN BACK AT CHRISTMASTIME.

YEAH, I BEEN BACK AT CHRISTMASTIME. MY WHOLE FAMILY... ALL THEY'RE

CHRISTMASTIME. MY WHOLE FAMILY... ALL THEY'RE TALKING ABOUT IS SEPARATING FROM

MY WHOLE FAMILY... ALL THEY'RE TALKING ABOUT IS SEPARATING FROM CANADA.

TALKING ABOUT IS SEPARATING FROM CANADA. HEY, LET'S GET HIGH TOGETHER

CANADA. HEY, LET'S GET HIGH TOGETHER AFTER THE GAME.

HEY, LET'S GET HIGH TOGETHER AFTER THE GAME. GET HIGH WITH WHAT?

AFTER THE GAME. GET HIGH WITH WHAT? AVEC DU POT!

GET HIGH WITH WHAT? AVEC DU POT! J'EN AI DU BON POT COLOMBIEN.

AVEC DU POT! J'EN AI DU BON POT COLOMBIEN. ON PEUT FUMER DU POT CHEZ MOI.

J'EN AI DU BON POT COLOMBIEN. ON PEUT FUMER DU POT CHEZ MOI. à TON RANCH HOUSE?

ON PEUT FUMER DU POT CHEZ MOI. à TON RANCH HOUSE? OUAI, à MON RANCH HOUSE.

À TON RANCH HOUSE? OUAI, à MON RANCH HOUSE. JE VAIS AVEC VOUS.

OUAI, à MON RANCH HOUSE. JE VAIS AVEC VOUS. NOVELLO, LAVIOLETTE.

JE VAIS AVEC VOUS. NOVELLO, LAVIOLETTE. GET READY FOR THE FIVE-SECOND

NOVELLO, LAVIOLETTE. GET READY FOR THE FIVE-SECOND COUNTDOWN OF YOUR PENALTIES.

GET READY FOR THE FIVE-SECOND COUNTDOWN OF YOUR PENALTIES. FIVE, FOUR, THREE, TWO, ONE.

COUNTDOWN OF YOUR PENALTIES. FIVE, FOUR, THREE, TWO, ONE. YOU KNOW, JEAN, SOMETIMES I

FIVE, FOUR, THREE, TWO, ONE. YOU KNOW, JEAN, SOMETIMES I WONDER WHETHER YOU HONESTLY CARE

YOU KNOW, JEAN, SOMETIMES I WONDER WHETHER YOU HONESTLY CARE WHETHER WE WIN OR NOT.

WONDER WHETHER YOU HONESTLY CARE WHETHER WE WIN OR NOT. YOU KNOW, MAN, I'VE PLAYED

WHETHER WE WIN OR NOT. YOU KNOW, MAN, I'VE PLAYED 400 PROFESSIONAL GAMES.

YOU KNOW, MAN, I'VE PLAYED 400 PROFESSIONAL GAMES. THESE DAYS, I HAVE TO KEEP

400 PROFESSIONAL GAMES. THESE DAYS, I HAVE TO KEEP CHECKING MY JERSEY TO SEE WHAT

THESE DAYS, I HAVE TO KEEP CHECKING MY JERSEY TO SEE WHAT TEAM I'M ON.

CHECKING MY JERSEY TO SEE WHAT TEAM I'M ON. YEAH, YOU GUYS FROM QUEBEC,

TEAM I'M ON. YEAH, YOU GUYS FROM QUEBEC, HUH?

YEAH, YOU GUYS FROM QUEBEC, HUH? THAT FRENCHMAN... WHOO, HE'S

HUH? THAT FRENCHMAN... WHOO, HE'S REALLY TOUGH.

THAT FRENCHMAN... WHOO, HE'S REALLY TOUGH. OH, NO, NO, NO, HIS BROTHERS

REALLY TOUGH. OH, NO, NO, NO, HIS BROTHERS ARE TOUGH.

OH, NO, NO, NO, HIS BROTHERS ARE TOUGH. WE PLAY FOR THE W.H.A., THE NHL.

ARE TOUGH. WE PLAY FOR THE W.H.A., THE NHL. HIS BROTHERS PLAY FOR THE FLQ.

WE PLAY FOR THE W.H.A., THE NHL. HIS BROTHERS PLAY FOR THE FLQ. THE FLQ?

HIS BROTHERS PLAY FOR THE FLQ. THE FLQ? WHAT LEAGUE IS THAT?

THE FLQ? WHAT LEAGUE IS THAT? FRONT DE LIBéRATION DE

WHAT LEAGUE IS THAT? FRONT DE LIBéRATION DE QUéBEC.

FRONT DE LIBéRATION DE QUéBEC. [SHOUTING]

QUéBEC. [SHOUTING] [WHISTLE BLOWING]

GOOD EVENING. WELCOME TO CABLE-TV ACCESS CHANNEL "D."

WELCOME TO CABLE-TV ACCESS CHANNEL "D." THIS IS "E. BUZZ MILLER'S

CHANNEL "D." THIS IS "E. BUZZ MILLER'S EXERCISE WORLD."

THIS IS "E. BUZZ MILLER'S EXERCISE WORLD." I'M YOUR HOST, E. BUZZ MILLER.

EXERCISE WORLD." I'M YOUR HOST, E. BUZZ MILLER. SITTING TO MY LEFT, OF COURSE,

I'M YOUR HOST, E. BUZZ MILLER. SITTING TO MY LEFT, OF COURSE, IS THE LOVELY

SITTING TO MY LEFT, OF COURSE, IS THE LOVELY CHRISTY CHRISTINA.

IS THE LOVELY CHRISTY CHRISTINA. AND, VIEWERS, SHE WILL BE

CHRISTY CHRISTINA. AND, VIEWERS, SHE WILL BE DANCING ALL THIS WEEK BACK AT

AND, VIEWERS, SHE WILL BE DANCING ALL THIS WEEK BACK AT THE COACHING POLE LOUNGE ON

DANCING ALL THIS WEEK BACK AT THE COACHING POLE LOUNGE ON ROUTE 6.

THE COACHING POLE LOUNGE ON ROUTE 6. SAY HI TO OUR VIEWERS, CHRISTY.

ROUTE 6. SAY HI TO OUR VIEWERS, CHRISTY. HI.

SAY HI TO OUR VIEWERS, CHRISTY. HI. [GIGGLES]

HI. [GIGGLES] OKAY, CHRISTY.

[GIGGLES] OKAY, CHRISTY. NOW, EVERYBODY KNOWS EXERCISE IS

OKAY, CHRISTY. NOW, EVERYBODY KNOWS EXERCISE IS GOOD FOR YOU.

NOW, EVERYBODY KNOWS EXERCISE IS GOOD FOR YOU. HELPS KEEP THE WEIGHT DOWN,

GOOD FOR YOU. HELPS KEEP THE WEIGHT DOWN, MUSCLES STRONGER, THE BLOOD

HELPS KEEP THE WEIGHT DOWN, MUSCLES STRONGER, THE BLOOD CIRCULATING... WE ALL KNOW THAT.

MUSCLES STRONGER, THE BLOOD CIRCULATING... WE ALL KNOW THAT. ALL RIGHT, LET'S GET STARTED.

CIRCULATING... WE ALL KNOW THAT. ALL RIGHT, LET'S GET STARTED. CHRISTY, GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR

ALL RIGHT, LET'S GET STARTED. CHRISTY, GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR THERE.

CHRISTY, GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR THERE. OKAY.

THERE. OKAY. OKAY, CHRISTY.

OKAY. OKAY, CHRISTY. NOW STAND UP.

OKAY, CHRISTY. NOW STAND UP. I'M GONNA HAVE YOU DO SOMETHING

NOW STAND UP. I'M GONNA HAVE YOU DO SOMETHING FIRST.

I'M GONNA HAVE YOU DO SOMETHING FIRST. STAND UP.

FIRST. STAND UP. I WANT YOU TO DO SOME SQUATS.

STAND UP. I WANT YOU TO DO SOME SQUATS. OH, THAT.

I WANT YOU TO DO SOME SQUATS. OH, THAT. DO SOME SQUATS, OKAY,

OH, THAT. DO SOME SQUATS, OKAY, CHRISTY?

DO SOME SQUATS, OKAY, CHRISTY? THAT'S IT.

CHRISTY? THAT'S IT. THAT'S IT.

THAT'S IT. THAT'S IT. THIS EXERCISE IS GOOD FOR THE

THAT'S IT. THIS EXERCISE IS GOOD FOR THE QUADRICEPS AND THE HAMSTRINGS,

THIS EXERCISE IS GOOD FOR THE QUADRICEPS AND THE HAMSTRINGS, WHICH ARE BACK HERE.

QUADRICEPS AND THE HAMSTRINGS, WHICH ARE BACK HERE. NICE HAMSTRINGS, CHRISTY.

WHICH ARE BACK HERE. NICE HAMSTRINGS, CHRISTY. IS THAT FROM DANCING EVERY NIGHT

NICE HAMSTRINGS, CHRISTY. IS THAT FROM DANCING EVERY NIGHT OR WHAT?

IS THAT FROM DANCING EVERY NIGHT OR WHAT? I GUESS SO.

OR WHAT? I GUESS SO. [GIGGLES]

I GUESS SO. [GIGGLES] OKAY, NOW PUT YOUR FEET WIDER

[GIGGLES] OKAY, NOW PUT YOUR FEET WIDER APART AND DO IT FASTER.

OKAY, NOW PUT YOUR FEET WIDER APART AND DO IT FASTER. LIKE THIS?

APART AND DO IT FASTER. LIKE THIS? THAT'S IT, THAT'S IT.

LIKE THIS? THAT'S IT, THAT'S IT. A LITTLE FASTER... JUST A LITTLE

THAT'S IT, THAT'S IT. A LITTLE FASTER... JUST A LITTLE FASTER.

A LITTLE FASTER... JUST A LITTLE FASTER. I COULD DO THIS ALL DAY!

FASTER. I COULD DO THIS ALL DAY! WHAT'S THAT, CHRISTY?

I COULD DO THIS ALL DAY! WHAT'S THAT, CHRISTY? I COULD DO IT ALL DAY.

WHAT'S THAT, CHRISTY? I COULD DO IT ALL DAY. I BET YOU COULD, CHRISTY.

I COULD DO IT ALL DAY. I BET YOU COULD, CHRISTY. OKAY, WE'VE GOT SOME MORE

I BET YOU COULD, CHRISTY. OKAY, WE'VE GOT SOME MORE EXERCISES FOR YOU TO DO.

OKAY, WE'VE GOT SOME MORE EXERCISES FOR YOU TO DO. GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR THERE.

OKAY, WE'RE GONNA DO SOME LEG

LIFTS.

OKAY, LIFT YOUR LEGS UP.

SPREAD THEM OUT A LITTLE.

WIDEN THEM OUT EVERY TIME YOU

COME UP.

THAT'S IT, LIKE THAT.

REMEMBER, EVERYBODY, THESE ARE

EASY EXERCISES.

YOU DON'T NEED ANY SPECIAL

EQUIPMENT UNLESS YOU WANT.

CHRISTY, CAN YOU THINK OF ANY

SPECIAL EQUIPMENT THAT MIGHT

MAKE THIS EXERCISE A LITTLE MORE

INTERESTING?

NOT RIGHT NOW.

WELL, YOU LET ME KNOW IF YOU

DO.

[CHUCKLES]

OKAY, WIDER, CHRISTY, WIDER.

ROLL OVER ON YOUR SIDE.

THAT'S IT.

NOW, THIS IS GOOD FOR THE

ABDOMINAL MUSCLES, YOUR OUTER

THIGH, AND MOST IMPORTANTLY, THE

GRACILIS MUSCLE, OR INNER THIGH.

CAN I LET MY LEG DOWN?

BETTER LET ME GET MY HAND OUT

OF THERE FIRST, CHRISTY.

[GIGGLES]

WORKING UP A LITTLE SWEAT

THERE, CHRISTY?

YES.

OKAY, LET'S MOVE ON TO

SOMETHING DIFFERENT.

CHRISTY CAME IN.

SHE'S GOT A SPECIAL EXERCISE SHE

JUST LEARNED, RIGHT?

THAT'S RIGHT.

I DEVELOPED IT MYSELF.

OKAY, LET'S SEE IT, CHRISTY.

[LAUGHS]

THIS IS ONE EVERY BROAD SHOULD

KNOW.

OKAY, FOR THIS NEXT EXERCISE,

ALL YOU NEED IS AN ORDINARY

STRAIGHT-BACKED CHAIR LIKE THIS

KITCHEN CHAIR I BROUGHT IN MY

STATION WAGON.

OKAY, CHRISTY. NOW BEND OVER THE CHAIR LIKE THAT, AND LIFT THE CHAIR.

NOW BEND OVER THE CHAIR LIKE THAT, AND LIFT THE CHAIR. YOU SEE HOW HARD THAT IS?

THAT, AND LIFT THE CHAIR. YOU SEE HOW HARD THAT IS? YOU KNOW WHY?

YOU SEE HOW HARD THAT IS? YOU KNOW WHY? 'CAUSE IT'S PULLING ON YOUR

YOU KNOW WHY? 'CAUSE IT'S PULLING ON YOUR BICEPS, YOUR TRICEPS, LEVATOR

'CAUSE IT'S PULLING ON YOUR BICEPS, YOUR TRICEPS, LEVATOR SCAPULAE MUSCLES, AND ESPECIALLY

BICEPS, YOUR TRICEPS, LEVATOR SCAPULAE MUSCLES, AND ESPECIALLY YOUR PECTORAL MUSCLES RIGHT

SCAPULAE MUSCLES, AND ESPECIALLY YOUR PECTORAL MUSCLES RIGHT HERE.

YOUR PECTORAL MUSCLES RIGHT HERE. LOOKS LIKE YOU'VE BEEN DOING A

HERE. LOOKS LIKE YOU'VE BEEN DOING A LOT OF THESE, CHRISTY.

LOOKS LIKE YOU'VE BEEN DOING A LOT OF THESE, CHRISTY. WELL, I DON'T KNOW.

LOT OF THESE, CHRISTY. WELL, I DON'T KNOW. THIS REMIND YOU OF ANYTHING,

WELL, I DON'T KNOW. THIS REMIND YOU OF ANYTHING, CHRISTY?

THIS REMIND YOU OF ANYTHING, CHRISTY? NO.

CHRISTY? NO. I'LL BET YOU DON'T.

NO. I'LL BET YOU DON'T. OKAY, VIEWERS.

I'LL BET YOU DON'T. OKAY, VIEWERS. I'M GONNA LET CHRISTY TAKE A

OKAY, VIEWERS. I'M GONNA LET CHRISTY TAKE A LITTLE BREAK.

I'M GONNA LET CHRISTY TAKE A LITTLE BREAK. I'M GOING TO CLOSE THE SHOW WITH

LITTLE BREAK. I'M GOING TO CLOSE THE SHOW WITH SOME SIMPLE PUSHUPS, AND, OF

I'M GOING TO CLOSE THE SHOW WITH SOME SIMPLE PUSHUPS, AND, OF COURSE, MYSELF, E. BUZZ, WILL BE

SOME SIMPLE PUSHUPS, AND, OF COURSE, MYSELF, E. BUZZ, WILL BE DOING THESE PUSH-UPS.

COURSE, MYSELF, E. BUZZ, WILL BE DOING THESE PUSH-UPS. THEY'RE FINGERTIP PUSH-UPS, AND

DOING THESE PUSH-UPS. THEY'RE FINGERTIP PUSH-UPS, AND THEY GO LIKE THIS.

THEY'RE FINGERTIP PUSH-UPS, AND THEY GO LIKE THIS. CHRISTY, YOU WANT TO COME UNDER

THEY GO LIKE THIS. CHRISTY, YOU WANT TO COME UNDER HERE AND HELP ME?

CHRISTY, YOU WANT TO COME UNDER HERE AND HELP ME? I DON'T THINK SO.

HERE AND HELP ME? I DON'T THINK SO. WELL, MAYBE A LITTLE LATER.

I DON'T THINK SO. WELL, MAYBE A LITTLE LATER. THIS IS E. BUZZ MILLER SAYING

WELL, MAYBE A LITTLE LATER. THIS IS E. BUZZ MILLER SAYING SO LONG, VIEWERS.

THIS IS E. BUZZ MILLER SAYING SO LONG, VIEWERS. REMEMBER, IT'S IMPORTANT TO STAY

SO LONG, VIEWERS. REMEMBER, IT'S IMPORTANT TO STAY IN SHAPE... ESPECIALLY YOU

REMEMBER, IT'S IMPORTANT TO STAY IN SHAPE... ESPECIALLY YOU BROADS.

ONCE AGAIN, HERE'S KEITH JARRETT. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

KEITH JARRETT. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] [PIANO PLAYS MID-TEMPO MUSIC]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

[HORNS HONKING] GILDA! GILDA, GILDA!

GILDA! GILDA, GILDA! GILDA!

GILDA, GILDA! GILDA! GILDA!

GILDA! GILDA! GILDA!

GILDA! GILDA! [INDISTINCT SHOUTING]

CIAO, MY DARLINGS!

ELLA. ELLA. GILDA, BLOW ME A KISS!

ELLA. GILDA, BLOW ME A KISS! I'M YOUR BIGGEST FAN!

GILDA, BLOW ME A KISS! I'M YOUR BIGGEST FAN! CIAO, MARCELLO.

I'M YOUR BIGGEST FAN! CIAO, MARCELLO. STILL SLEEPING WITH GILDA, EH?

CIAO, MARCELLO. STILL SLEEPING WITH GILDA, EH? OH, GOD, THIS PLACE IS FULL

STILL SLEEPING WITH GILDA, EH? OH, GOD, THIS PLACE IS FULL OF TELEVISION PEOPLE.

OH, GOD, THIS PLACE IS FULL OF TELEVISION PEOPLE. PIETRO!

OF TELEVISION PEOPLE. PIETRO! CHAMPAGNE AND CAVIAR.

PIETRO! CHAMPAGNE AND CAVIAR. I'M DYING OF THIRST.

CHAMPAGNE AND CAVIAR. I'M DYING OF THIRST. THE EARLY FITZGERALD WAS

I'M DYING OF THIRST. THE EARLY FITZGERALD WAS GOOD.

THE EARLY FITZGERALD WAS GOOD. BUT THEN CAME AN ORGY OF BRUTAL

GOOD. BUT THEN CAME AN ORGY OF BRUTAL REALISM.

BUT THEN CAME AN ORGY OF BRUTAL REALISM. I NEVER WATCH TELEVISION.

REALISM. I NEVER WATCH TELEVISION. NEVER.

I NEVER WATCH TELEVISION. NEVER. I DON'T EVEN OWN A TOASTER.

NEVER. I DON'T EVEN OWN A TOASTER. ELECTRICITY... EVIL.

I DON'T EVEN OWN A TOASTER. ELECTRICITY... EVIL. IT KILLS THE CREATIVE MICROBES.

ELECTRICITY... EVIL. IT KILLS THE CREATIVE MICROBES. OH, GILDA, DON'T YOU FIND

IT KILLS THE CREATIVE MICROBES. OH, GILDA, DON'T YOU FIND THESE PEOPLE BORING AND STUPID?

OH, GILDA, DON'T YOU FIND THESE PEOPLE BORING AND STUPID? LET US GO TO THE COLISEUM AND

THESE PEOPLE BORING AND STUPID? LET US GO TO THE COLISEUM AND MAKE LOVE.

LET US GO TO THE COLISEUM AND MAKE LOVE. IT IS ALMOST DAWN.

MAKE LOVE. IT IS ALMOST DAWN. DON'T LEAVE ME, MARCELLO.

IT IS ALMOST DAWN. DON'T LEAVE ME, MARCELLO. DON'T GO.

DON'T LEAVE ME, MARCELLO. DON'T GO. I MUST RIDE THIS ENCHANTING

DON'T GO. I MUST RIDE THIS ENCHANTING TIGRESS.

I MUST RIDE THIS ENCHANTING TIGRESS. [LAUGHS]

TIGRESS. [LAUGHS] STAY DOWN WHILE I RIDE YOU.

[LAUGHS] STAY DOWN WHILE I RIDE YOU. [GROWLING]

STAY DOWN WHILE I RIDE YOU. [GROWLING] SHOW THESE BORING PEOPLE HOW

[GROWLING] SHOW THESE BORING PEOPLE HOW TO HAVE FUN.

SHOW THESE BORING PEOPLE HOW TO HAVE FUN. TALK AND KISSES, THEN TO

TO HAVE FUN. TALK AND KISSES, THEN TO SLEEP.

TALK AND KISSES, THEN TO SLEEP. THAT'S HIS SPEED...

SLEEP. THAT'S HIS SPEED... FORGET ABOUT IT.

THAT'S HIS SPEED... FORGET ABOUT IT. JUST LIKE A LITTLE HORSE OR

FORGET ABOUT IT. JUST LIKE A LITTLE HORSE OR A DONKEY.

JUST LIKE A LITTLE HORSE OR A DONKEY. FASTER, FASTER.

A DONKEY. FASTER, FASTER. YIPPEE!

FASTER, FASTER. YIPPEE! CALIFORNIA! CALIFORNIA?

YIPPEE! CALIFORNIA! CALIFORNIA? YOU GOT THE COKE, YOU GOT THE

CALIFORNIA! CALIFORNIA? YOU GOT THE COKE, YOU GOT THE CARS, YOU GOT THE QUAALUDES, YOU

YOU GOT THE COKE, YOU GOT THE CARS, YOU GOT THE QUAALUDES, YOU GOT THE...

CARS, YOU GOT THE QUAALUDES, YOU GOT THE... SLEEP.

GOT THE... SLEEP. MUST BE A LEO.

SLEEP. MUST BE A LEO. I KNOW I LOVE YOU VERY MUCH.

MUST BE A LEO. I KNOW I LOVE YOU VERY MUCH. I KISS YOU, I NEED YOU.

I KNOW I LOVE YOU VERY MUCH. I KISS YOU, I NEED YOU. GILDA, GILDA, MY BRIGHT

I KISS YOU, I NEED YOU. GILDA, GILDA, MY BRIGHT CHILD.

GILDA, GILDA, MY BRIGHT CHILD. DON'T YOU REMEMBER ME?

CHILD. DON'T YOU REMEMBER ME? FASTER, FASTER, YES, YES,

DON'T YOU REMEMBER ME? FASTER, FASTER, YES, YES, YES.

FASTER, FASTER, YES, YES, YES. MANGIA, MANGIA, EAT

YES. MANGIA, MANGIA, EAT SOMETHING.

MANGIA, MANGIA, EAT SOMETHING. I'M NOT HUNGRY, I'M NOT

SOMETHING. I'M NOT HUNGRY, I'M NOT HUNGRY!

I'M NOT HUNGRY, I'M NOT HUNGRY! All: GILDA!

HUNGRY! All: GILDA! GILDA!

All: GILDA! GILDA! GILDA!

GILDA! GILDA! GILDA!

GILDA! GILDA! GILDA!

GILDA! GILDA! GILDA!

GILDA! GILDA! [SCREAMS]

GILDA! [SCREAMS] LEAVE ME ALONE!

YOU'RE STILL FOLLOWING ME? STOP! LEAVE ME ALONE!

I'M JUST TEASING. COME HERE. COME... CLOSER.

COME HERE. COME... CLOSER. YOU KNOW I LOVE YOU, MY LITTLE

COME... CLOSER. YOU KNOW I LOVE YOU, MY LITTLE MONKEYS.

YOU KNOW I LOVE YOU, MY LITTLE MONKEYS. BUT LEAVE ME MY DREAMS.

MONKEYS. BUT LEAVE ME MY DREAMS. DREAMS ARE LIKE PAPER... THEY

BUT LEAVE ME MY DREAMS. DREAMS ARE LIKE PAPER... THEY TEAR SO EASILY.

DREAMS ARE LIKE PAPER... THEY TEAR SO EASILY. BUT I LOVE TO PLAY.

TEAR SO EASILY. BUT I LOVE TO PLAY. BUT EVERY TIME I PLAY, YOU WIN.

BUT I LOVE TO PLAY. BUT EVERY TIME I PLAY, YOU WIN. [CHUCKLES SOFTLY]

BUT EVERY TIME I PLAY, YOU WIN. [CHUCKLES SOFTLY] CIAO.

THE MAGNA CONCORD HOVERCRAFT SYSTEMS GROUP PRESENTS "ARCHAROLOGICUS" WITH YOUR HOST,

SYSTEMS GROUP PRESENTS "ARCHAROLOGICUS" WITH YOUR HOST, TINA GEMINI.

"ARCHAROLOGICUS" WITH YOUR HOST, TINA GEMINI. GOOD EVENING.

TINA GEMINI. GOOD EVENING. I'M TINA GEMINI.

GOOD EVENING. I'M TINA GEMINI. ON APRIL 12, 1962, A GROUP OF

I'M TINA GEMINI. ON APRIL 12, 1962, A GROUP OF EXPLORERS WORKING IN THE

ON APRIL 12, 1962, A GROUP OF EXPLORERS WORKING IN THE BLISTERING DESERT HEAT IN A

EXPLORERS WORKING IN THE BLISTERING DESERT HEAT IN A SMALL COMMUNITY NEAR

BLISTERING DESERT HEAT IN A SMALL COMMUNITY NEAR PALM SPRINGS ENTERED THIS LONG

SMALL COMMUNITY NEAR PALM SPRINGS ENTERED THIS LONG CORRIDOR.

PALM SPRINGS ENTERED THIS LONG CORRIDOR. EXACTLY 50 PACES AWAY, THEY

CORRIDOR. EXACTLY 50 PACES AWAY, THEY BROKE INTO A SEALED OPENING TO

EXACTLY 50 PACES AWAY, THEY BROKE INTO A SEALED OPENING TO THIS CHAMBER WITHIN.

BROKE INTO A SEALED OPENING TO THIS CHAMBER WITHIN. THEY BEHELD SOME OF THE MOST

THIS CHAMBER WITHIN. THEY BEHELD SOME OF THE MOST SPLENDID EXAMPLES OF FUNERARY

THEY BEHELD SOME OF THE MOST SPLENDID EXAMPLES OF FUNERARY RICHES KNOWN TO MANKIND... THE

SPLENDID EXAMPLES OF FUNERARY RICHES KNOWN TO MANKIND... THE RELICS OF AN AGE GONE BY,

RICHES KNOWN TO MANKIND... THE RELICS OF AN AGE GONE BY, PERFECTLY PRESERVED FOR US

RELICS OF AN AGE GONE BY, PERFECTLY PRESERVED FOR US TODAY.

JOIN ME AS WE DISCOVER TOGETHER

THE TREASURES OF MORTON KAMEN.

AT THE MOMENT OF MORTON KAMEN'S DEATH, THE AIR CONDITIONING IN THE SEALED CHAMBER WAS SET SO

DEATH, THE AIR CONDITIONING IN THE SEALED CHAMBER WAS SET SO LOW THAT EVERYTHING, INCLUDING

THE SEALED CHAMBER WAS SET SO LOW THAT EVERYTHING, INCLUDING HIS WIFE, SHIRLEY, HAS BEEN

LOW THAT EVERYTHING, INCLUDING HIS WIFE, SHIRLEY, HAS BEEN PERFECTLY PRESERVED.

HIS WIFE, SHIRLEY, HAS BEEN PERFECTLY PRESERVED. ALL WE KNOW ABOUT MORTON KAMEN

PERFECTLY PRESERVED. ALL WE KNOW ABOUT MORTON KAMEN IS THAT HE WAS AN INCREDIBLY

ALL WE KNOW ABOUT MORTON KAMEN IS THAT HE WAS AN INCREDIBLY RICH MAN WHO SURROUNDED HIMSELF

IS THAT HE WAS AN INCREDIBLY RICH MAN WHO SURROUNDED HIMSELF WITH THE SPOILS OF HIS

RICH MAN WHO SURROUNDED HIMSELF WITH THE SPOILS OF HIS CIVILIZATION.

WITH THE SPOILS OF HIS CIVILIZATION. POWERFUL AMULETS PROTECTED HIS

CIVILIZATION. POWERFUL AMULETS PROTECTED HIS FEET WHILE POTENT ANIMAL

POWERFUL AMULETS PROTECTED HIS FEET WHILE POTENT ANIMAL SYMBOLS, LIKE THE HOLY

FEET WHILE POTENT ANIMAL SYMBOLS, LIKE THE HOLY ALLIGATOR, WERE USED TO PROTECT

SYMBOLS, LIKE THE HOLY ALLIGATOR, WERE USED TO PROTECT HIS LIFE.

ALLIGATOR, WERE USED TO PROTECT HIS LIFE. HE HAD LITERALLY HUNDREDS OF

HIS LIFE. HE HAD LITERALLY HUNDREDS OF TUNICS LIKE THIS IN VIRTUALLY

HE HAD LITERALLY HUNDREDS OF TUNICS LIKE THIS IN VIRTUALLY EVERY COLOR OF THE RAINBOW.

TUNICS LIKE THIS IN VIRTUALLY EVERY COLOR OF THE RAINBOW. THE SACRIFICIAL FEASTS WERE

EVERY COLOR OF THE RAINBOW. THE SACRIFICIAL FEASTS WERE PREPARED IN THIS VESSEL, AND

THE SACRIFICIAL FEASTS WERE PREPARED IN THIS VESSEL, AND MIRACULOUSLY, THE REMAINS OF A

PREPARED IN THIS VESSEL, AND MIRACULOUSLY, THE REMAINS OF A FRESH-WATER TUNA FISH AND NOODLE

MIRACULOUSLY, THE REMAINS OF A FRESH-WATER TUNA FISH AND NOODLE OFFERING ARE AS FRESH TODAY AS

FRESH-WATER TUNA FISH AND NOODLE OFFERING ARE AS FRESH TODAY AS THE DAY IT WAS PREPARED.

OFFERING ARE AS FRESH TODAY AS THE DAY IT WAS PREPARED. AND HERE, THE MOST EXCITING OF

THE DAY IT WAS PREPARED. AND HERE, THE MOST EXCITING OF THE RICHES IS THE FAMOUS GOLDEN

AND HERE, THE MOST EXCITING OF THE RICHES IS THE FAMOUS GOLDEN CHARIOT OF MORTON KAMEN, USED,

THE RICHES IS THE FAMOUS GOLDEN CHARIOT OF MORTON KAMEN, USED, WE BELIEVE, IN AN ANCIENT RITUAL

CHARIOT OF MORTON KAMEN, USED, WE BELIEVE, IN AN ANCIENT RITUAL UTILIZING LONG STICKS TO BAT

WE BELIEVE, IN AN ANCIENT RITUAL UTILIZING LONG STICKS TO BAT TINY BALLS INTO HOLES IN THE

UTILIZING LONG STICKS TO BAT TINY BALLS INTO HOLES IN THE GROUND FOR PUBLIC ADULATION.

TINY BALLS INTO HOLES IN THE GROUND FOR PUBLIC ADULATION. ANOTHER FIND WAS THIS PRIMITIVE

GROUND FOR PUBLIC ADULATION. ANOTHER FIND WAS THIS PRIMITIVE RECORDING DEVICE, WHICH ENABLES

ANOTHER FIND WAS THIS PRIMITIVE RECORDING DEVICE, WHICH ENABLES US TO ACTUALLY HEAR

RECORDING DEVICE, WHICH ENABLES US TO ACTUALLY HEAR MORTON KAMEN'S VOICE AND THIS

US TO ACTUALLY HEAR MORTON KAMEN'S VOICE AND THIS STRANGE MESSAGE.

MORTON KAMEN'S VOICE AND THIS STRANGE MESSAGE. Hello!

STRANGE MESSAGE. Hello! Morton and Shirley are out right

Hello! Morton and Shirley are out right now, but we'll be good to get

Morton and Shirley are out right now, but we'll be good to get back if you leave your name and

now, but we'll be good to get back if you leave your name and number after the beep tone.

Back if you leave your name and number after the beep tone. Have a nice day.

Number after the beep tone. Have a nice day. [Beep]

Have a nice day. [Beep] DID THAT BEEP FREQUENCY

[Beep] DID THAT BEEP FREQUENCY BRAINWASH CALLERS INTO OBEDIENCE

DID THAT BEEP FREQUENCY BRAINWASH CALLERS INTO OBEDIENCE TO MORTON KAMEN?

BRAINWASH CALLERS INTO OBEDIENCE TO MORTON KAMEN? YOU CAN SEE THAT PEOPLE WERE

TO MORTON KAMEN? YOU CAN SEE THAT PEOPLE WERE TREATED AS SLAVES WITH NUMBERS

YOU CAN SEE THAT PEOPLE WERE TREATED AS SLAVES WITH NUMBERS INSTEAD OF NAMES, BUT PERHAPS

TREATED AS SLAVES WITH NUMBERS INSTEAD OF NAMES, BUT PERHAPS THE MOST ENIGMATIC FIND IN

INSTEAD OF NAMES, BUT PERHAPS THE MOST ENIGMATIC FIND IN MORTON KAMEN'S TOMB IS THIS PAIR

THE MOST ENIGMATIC FIND IN MORTON KAMEN'S TOMB IS THIS PAIR OF ZIPPERED RUBBER UNDERPANTS.

MORTON KAMEN'S TOMB IS THIS PAIR OF ZIPPERED RUBBER UNDERPANTS. THEY WERE FOUND HIDDEN IN A

OF ZIPPERED RUBBER UNDERPANTS. THEY WERE FOUND HIDDEN IN A COMPARTMENT NEAR THE WATER

THEY WERE FOUND HIDDEN IN A COMPARTMENT NEAR THE WATER CHAMBER.

COMPARTMENT NEAR THE WATER CHAMBER. ATTACHED TO THEM WAS THE STRANGE

CHAMBER. ATTACHED TO THEM WAS THE STRANGE CURSE OF MORTON KAMEN.

ATTACHED TO THEM WAS THE STRANGE CURSE OF MORTON KAMEN. "SALE OF THIS NOVELTY ITEM TO

CURSE OF MORTON KAMEN. "SALE OF THIS NOVELTY ITEM TO MINORS IS FORBIDDEN BY LAW."

"SALE OF THIS NOVELTY ITEM TO MINORS IS FORBIDDEN BY LAW." UNTIL WE FULLY DISCOVER THE

MINORS IS FORBIDDEN BY LAW." UNTIL WE FULLY DISCOVER THE SIGNIFICANCE OF RUBBER

UNTIL WE FULLY DISCOVER THE SIGNIFICANCE OF RUBBER UNDERWEAR, THIS ADMONITION WILL

SIGNIFICANCE OF RUBBER UNDERWEAR, THIS ADMONITION WILL REMAIN AS MUCH A MYSTERY AS WHY

UNDERWEAR, THIS ADMONITION WILL REMAIN AS MUCH A MYSTERY AS WHY MORTON KAMEN AND HIS WIFE,

REMAIN AS MUCH A MYSTERY AS WHY MORTON KAMEN AND HIS WIFE, SHIRLEY, WERE PRESERVED TO BEGIN

MORTON KAMEN AND HIS WIFE, SHIRLEY, WERE PRESERVED TO BEGIN WITH.

SHIRLEY, WERE PRESERVED TO BEGIN WITH. UNTIL THEN, I BID YOU A GOOD

WITH. UNTIL THEN, I BID YOU A GOOD NIGHT.

HOWARD JOHNSON IS A MEMBER OF THE "SATURDAY NIGHT" BAND. HE'S HERE TONIGHT WITH HIS OWN

THE "SATURDAY NIGHT" BAND. HE'S HERE TONIGHT WITH HIS OWN BAND.

HE'S HERE TONIGHT WITH HIS OWN BAND. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, GRAVITY.

BAND. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, GRAVITY. [MID-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYS]

[TEMPO INCREASES]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

WELL, THAT'S IT FOR THIS EVENING. IT WASN'T SUCH A BAD BOOTH DAY,

EVENING. IT WASN'T SUCH A BAD BOOTH DAY, WAS IT?

IT WASN'T SUCH A BAD BOOTH DAY, WAS IT? [APPLAUSE]

WAS IT? [APPLAUSE] THANK YOU, THANK YOU.

[APPLAUSE] THANK YOU, THANK YOU. I'D LIKE TO THANK

THANK YOU, THANK YOU. I'D LIKE TO THANK MR. KEITH JARRETT.

I'D LIKE TO THANK MR. KEITH JARRETT. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

MR. KEITH JARRETT. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] HOWARD JOHNSON AND THE GROUP

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] HOWARD JOHNSON AND THE GROUP GRAVITY!

HOWARD JOHNSON AND THE GROUP GRAVITY! ALL RIGHT!

GRAVITY! ALL RIGHT! THE PEOPLE WHO HELPED ME THROUGH

ALL RIGHT! THE PEOPLE WHO HELPED ME THROUGH ALL THIS... THE

THE PEOPLE WHO HELPED ME THROUGH ALL THIS... THE NOT-READY-FOR-PRIME-TIME

ALL THIS... THE NOT-READY-FOR-PRIME-TIME PLAYERS.

NOT-READY-FOR-PRIME-TIME PLAYERS. COME ON IN, GUYS.

PLAYERS. COME ON IN, GUYS. MR. LORNE MICHAELS.

Announcer: NEXT SATURDAY

NIGHT, OUR HOST WILL BE

STEVE MARTIN, WITH MUSICAL

GUEST THE BLUES BROTHERS.

THIS IS DON PARDO, HIS MOUTH,

AND HIS MICROPHONE.

GOOD NIGHT.