Original subtitles

Announcer: WILL NOT BE SEEN TONIGHT SO THAT NBC MAY PRESENT THE FOLLOWING SPECIAL

SEEN TONIGHT SO THAT NBC MAY PRESENT THE FOLLOWING SPECIAL PROGRAM.

FINE HAIR... THERE'S NO POINT. IT'S VERY FINE.

POINT. IT'S VERY FINE. YOU CAN'T BE THAT ROUGH WITH IT.

IT'S VERY FINE. YOU CAN'T BE THAT ROUGH WITH IT. OH, BILLY.

YOU CAN'T BE THAT ROUGH WITH IT. OH, BILLY. IT'S VERY FINE HAIR.

OH, BILLY. IT'S VERY FINE HAIR. BILLY, GUESS WHAT'S HAPPENING

IT'S VERY FINE HAIR. BILLY, GUESS WHAT'S HAPPENING TO JOHN.

BILLY, GUESS WHAT'S HAPPENING TO JOHN. BELUSHI? WHAT?

TO JOHN. BELUSHI? WHAT? HE'S GOING TO HOLLYWOOD.

BELUSHI? WHAT? HE'S GOING TO HOLLYWOOD. WHY'S HE GOING TO HOLLYWOOD?

HE'S GOING TO HOLLYWOOD. WHY'S HE GOING TO HOLLYWOOD? WELL, IT'S THIS THING.

WHY'S HE GOING TO HOLLYWOOD? WELL, IT'S THIS THING. LIKE, UM, JOHN CHANCELLOR IS

WELL, IT'S THIS THING. LIKE, UM, JOHN CHANCELLOR IS LEAVING THE "NBC NIGHTLY NEWS,"

LIKE, UM, JOHN CHANCELLOR IS LEAVING THE "NBC NIGHTLY NEWS," YOU KNOW, AND THAT MEANS THAT

LEAVING THE "NBC NIGHTLY NEWS," YOU KNOW, AND THAT MEANS THAT EVERYBODY AT NBC MOVES UP ONE.

YOU KNOW, AND THAT MEANS THAT EVERYBODY AT NBC MOVES UP ONE. LIKE, TOM BROKOUR... OR HOWEVER

EVERYBODY AT NBC MOVES UP ONE. LIKE, TOM BROKOUR... OR HOWEVER YOU PRONOUNCE IT OR ANYTHING...

LIKE, TOM BROKOUR... OR HOWEVER YOU PRONOUNCE IT OR ANYTHING... BROKAW, YEAH.

YOU PRONOUNCE IT OR ANYTHING... BROKAW, YEAH. BROKAW.

BROKAW, YEAH. BROKAW. HE'S GOING TO, UM... HE'S GONNA

BROKAW. HE'S GOING TO, UM... HE'S GONNA TAKE OVER THE "NIGHTLY NEWS" AND

HE'S GOING TO, UM... HE'S GONNA TAKE OVER THE "NIGHTLY NEWS" AND LEAVE THE "TODAY" SHOW.

TAKE OVER THE "NIGHTLY NEWS" AND LEAVE THE "TODAY" SHOW. AND TOM SNYDER'S LEAVING

LEAVE THE "TODAY" SHOW. AND TOM SNYDER'S LEAVING "THE TOMORROW SHOW."

AND TOM SNYDER'S LEAVING "THE TOMORROW SHOW." AND HE'S GONNA TAKE OVER THE

"THE TOMORROW SHOW." AND HE'S GONNA TAKE OVER THE "TODAY" SHOW.

AND HE'S GONNA TAKE OVER THE "TODAY" SHOW. AND DAN HAGGERTY IS LEAVING

"TODAY" SHOW. AND DAN HAGGERTY IS LEAVING "GRIZZLY ADAMS," AND HE'S GONNA

AND DAN HAGGERTY IS LEAVING "GRIZZLY ADAMS," AND HE'S GONNA TAKE OVER SNYDER'S PART ON

"GRIZZLY ADAMS," AND HE'S GONNA TAKE OVER SNYDER'S PART ON "TOMORROW."

TAKE OVER SNYDER'S PART ON "TOMORROW." AND THEY WANT JOHN TO TAKE

"TOMORROW." AND THEY WANT JOHN TO TAKE OVER FOR "GRIZZLY ADAMS"?

AND THEY WANT JOHN TO TAKE OVER FOR "GRIZZLY ADAMS"? YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT.

OVER FOR "GRIZZLY ADAMS"? YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT. THAT LUCKY STIFF.

YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT. THAT LUCKY STIFF. WELL, IT'S NOT DEFINITE, YOU

THAT LUCKY STIFF. WELL, IT'S NOT DEFINITE, YOU KNOW.

WELL, IT'S NOT DEFINITE, YOU KNOW. EVIDENTLY, THE BEAR HAS FINAL

KNOW. EVIDENTLY, THE BEAR HAS FINAL APPROVAL.

EVIDENTLY, THE BEAR HAS FINAL APPROVAL. BOY, THAT WOULD BE SOMETHING,

APPROVAL. BOY, THAT WOULD BE SOMETHING, THOUGH.

BOY, THAT WOULD BE SOMETHING, THOUGH. JOHN BELUSHI STARRING AS

THOUGH. JOHN BELUSHI STARRING AS GRIZZLY ADAMS.

JOHN BELUSHI STARRING AS GRIZZLY ADAMS. OH, IT'S NOT GONNA BE

GRIZZLY ADAMS. OH, IT'S NOT GONNA BE "JOHN BELUSHI STARRING AS

OH, IT'S NOT GONNA BE "JOHN BELUSHI STARRING AS GRIZZLY ADAMS."

"JOHN BELUSHI STARRING AS GRIZZLY ADAMS." THE NETWORK WANTS HIM TO CHANGE

GRIZZLY ADAMS." THE NETWORK WANTS HIM TO CHANGE HIS NAME.

THE NETWORK WANTS HIM TO CHANGE HIS NAME. WHY CHANGE HIS NAME?

HIS NAME. WHY CHANGE HIS NAME? WELL, YOU SEE, I GUESS THEY

WHY CHANGE HIS NAME? WELL, YOU SEE, I GUESS THEY FIGURE THAT EVERYBODY ASSOCIATES

WELL, YOU SEE, I GUESS THEY FIGURE THAT EVERYBODY ASSOCIATES THE NAME "JOHN BELUSHI" WITH

FIGURE THAT EVERYBODY ASSOCIATES THE NAME "JOHN BELUSHI" WITH COMEDY AND SATIRE, YOU KNOW?

THE NAME "JOHN BELUSHI" WITH COMEDY AND SATIRE, YOU KNOW? AND THIS BEAR HAS NO SENSE OF

COMEDY AND SATIRE, YOU KNOW? AND THIS BEAR HAS NO SENSE OF HUMOR.

AND THIS BEAR HAS NO SENSE OF HUMOR. SO THE NETWORK'S MAKING HIM

HUMOR. SO THE NETWORK'S MAKING HIM CHANGE HIS NAME.

SO THE NETWORK'S MAKING HIM CHANGE HIS NAME. WHAT'S HIS NEW NAME?

CHANGE HIS NAME. WHAT'S HIS NEW NAME? KEVIN SCOTT.

WHAT'S HIS NEW NAME? KEVIN SCOTT. "KEVIN SCOTT"?

KEVIN SCOTT. "KEVIN SCOTT"? YEAH, KEV...

"KEVIN SCOTT"? YEAH, KEV... UH-OH, THERE HE COMES.

YEAH, KEV... UH-OH, THERE HE COMES. Shh, shh.

UH-OH, THERE HE COMES. Shh, shh. WELL, I GUESS CONGRATULATIONS

Shh, shh. WELL, I GUESS CONGRATULATIONS ARE IN ORDER, KEVIN.

WELL, I GUESS CONGRATULATIONS ARE IN ORDER, KEVIN. DON'T CALL ME KEVIN, OKAY?

ARE IN ORDER, KEVIN. DON'T CALL ME KEVIN, OKAY? I DON'T LIKE IT.

DON'T CALL ME KEVIN, OKAY? I DON'T LIKE IT. IT'S FORCED ON ME.

I DON'T LIKE IT. IT'S FORCED ON ME. BESIDES, THE DEAL'S NOT DEFINITE

IT'S FORCED ON ME. BESIDES, THE DEAL'S NOT DEFINITE YET.

BESIDES, THE DEAL'S NOT DEFINITE YET. YOU KNOW, I HAVEN'T GOT THE PART

YET. YOU KNOW, I HAVEN'T GOT THE PART YET.

YOU KNOW, I HAVEN'T GOT THE PART YET. THE BEAR'S GOT FINAL APPROVAL.

YET. THE BEAR'S GOT FINAL APPROVAL. WELL, IT'S A BIG OPPORTUNITY,

THE BEAR'S GOT FINAL APPROVAL. WELL, IT'S A BIG OPPORTUNITY, MAN.

WELL, IT'S A BIG OPPORTUNITY, MAN. YEAH.

MAN. YEAH. YEAH, YOU MUST BE NERVOUS.

YEAH. YEAH, YOU MUST BE NERVOUS. YEAH, I'M KIND OF.

YEAH, YOU MUST BE NERVOUS. YEAH, I'M KIND OF. IT'S AN OPPORTUNITY OF A

YEAH, I'M KIND OF. IT'S AN OPPORTUNITY OF A LIFETIME, YOU KNOW?

IT'S AN OPPORTUNITY OF A LIFETIME, YOU KNOW? YEAH.

LIFETIME, YOU KNOW? YEAH. WELL, YOU KNOW SOMETHING, JOHN,

YEAH. WELL, YOU KNOW SOMETHING, JOHN, YOU COULD BE LIVING IN

WELL, YOU KNOW SOMETHING, JOHN, YOU COULD BE LIVING IN HOLLYWOOD.

YOU COULD BE LIVING IN HOLLYWOOD. I DON'T LIKE HOLLYWOOD,

HOLLYWOOD. I DON'T LIKE HOLLYWOOD, GILDA.

I DON'T LIKE HOLLYWOOD, GILDA. YOU KNOW THAT.

GILDA. YOU KNOW THAT. A BUNCH OF PHONIES OUT THERE.

YOU KNOW THAT. A BUNCH OF PHONIES OUT THERE. YOU KNOW, BUT DON'T WORRY ABOUT

A BUNCH OF PHONIES OUT THERE. YOU KNOW, BUT DON'T WORRY ABOUT ME.

YOU KNOW, BUT DON'T WORRY ABOUT ME. I'M NOT GONNA CHANGE.

ME. I'M NOT GONNA CHANGE. I'LL JUST BE... I'LL JUST BE

I'M NOT GONNA CHANGE. I'LL JUST BE... I'LL JUST BE JOHN, WHEREVER I GO.

I'LL JUST BE... I'LL JUST BE JOHN, WHEREVER I GO. OR KEV.

JOHN, WHEREVER I GO. OR KEV. [CHUCKLES]

OR KEV. [CHUCKLES] IT ALL DEPENDS.

[CHUCKLES] IT ALL DEPENDS. JOHN.

IT ALL DEPENDS. JOHN. YEAH?

JOHN. YEAH? THIS IS SCARY.

YEAH? THIS IS SCARY. I'M GONNA MISS YOU.

THIS IS SCARY. I'M GONNA MISS YOU. I'M GONNA MISS YOU, TOO,

I'M GONNA MISS YOU. I'M GONNA MISS YOU, TOO, GILDA.

I'M GONNA MISS YOU, TOO, GILDA. I'M GONNA MISS YOU, TOO, BILL.

GILDA. I'M GONNA MISS YOU, TOO, BILL. YOU KNOW, YOU'VE BOTH COME A

I'M GONNA MISS YOU, TOO, BILL. YOU KNOW, YOU'VE BOTH COME A LONG WAY.

YOU KNOW, YOU'VE BOTH COME A LONG WAY. YOU WERE LIKE ME WHEN I FIRST

LONG WAY. YOU WERE LIKE ME WHEN I FIRST STARTED OUT, YOU KNOW.

YOU WERE LIKE ME WHEN I FIRST STARTED OUT, YOU KNOW. KIND OF GREEN.

STARTED OUT, YOU KNOW. KIND OF GREEN. WHO KNOWS?

KIND OF GREEN. WHO KNOWS? MAYBE THEY'LL BE FLYING YOU OUT

WHO KNOWS? MAYBE THEY'LL BE FLYING YOU OUT TO THE COAST IN A COUPLE YEARS.

MAYBE THEY'LL BE FLYING YOU OUT TO THE COAST IN A COUPLE YEARS. WHEN THEY NEED YOU OUT IN

TO THE COAST IN A COUPLE YEARS. WHEN THEY NEED YOU OUT IN HOLLYWOOD, THEY NEED YOU, I

WHEN THEY NEED YOU OUT IN HOLLYWOOD, THEY NEED YOU, I GUESS.

HOLLYWOOD, THEY NEED YOU, I GUESS. THANKS, JOHN.

GUESS. THANKS, JOHN. COMING FROM THE NEXT

THANKS, JOHN. COMING FROM THE NEXT GRIZZLY ADAMS, THAT MEANS QUITE

COMING FROM THE NEXT GRIZZLY ADAMS, THAT MEANS QUITE A LOT.

GRIZZLY ADAMS, THAT MEANS QUITE A LOT. THANK YOU.

A LOT. THANK YOU. YEAH.

THANK YOU. YEAH. SAY, YOU KNOW, HEY, IF I DON'T

YEAH. SAY, YOU KNOW, HEY, IF I DON'T GET A CHANCE TO SAY GOODBYE TO

SAY, YOU KNOW, HEY, IF I DON'T GET A CHANCE TO SAY GOODBYE TO DANNY, GARRETT, LARAINE, AND,

GET A CHANCE TO SAY GOODBYE TO DANNY, GARRETT, LARAINE, AND, UH...

DANNY, GARRETT, LARAINE, AND, UH... JANE.

UH... JANE. JANE, YEAH, YEAH.

JANE. JANE, YEAH, YEAH. YOU KNOW, SAY GOODBYE TO THEM

JANE, YEAH, YEAH. YOU KNOW, SAY GOODBYE TO THEM FOR ME.

YOU KNOW, SAY GOODBYE TO THEM FOR ME. I'M GONNA MISS 'EM ALL.

FOR ME. I'M GONNA MISS 'EM ALL. BUT MOST OF ALL, I'M GONNA MISS

I'M GONNA MISS 'EM ALL. BUT MOST OF ALL, I'M GONNA MISS SAYING, "LIVE FROM NEW YORK,

BUT MOST OF ALL, I'M GONNA MISS SAYING, "LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT!"

SAYING, "LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT!" LIVE.

IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT!" LIVE. [BAND PLAYS]

LIVE. [BAND PLAYS] [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

Announcer: IT'S

"SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE"...

STARRING CHRISTOPHER LEE...

WITH HIS SPECIAL GUESTS...

MEAT LOAF...

RICHARD BELZER...

AND THE NOT-READY-FOR-PRIME-TIME

PLAYERS...

DAN AYKROYD... JANE CURTIN... GARRETT MORRIS...

JANE CURTIN... GARRETT MORRIS... BILL MURRAY...

GARRETT MORRIS... BILL MURRAY... LARAINE NEWMAN...

BILL MURRAY... LARAINE NEWMAN... GILDA RADNER...

LARAINE NEWMAN... GILDA RADNER... AND KEVIN SCOTT!

GILDA RADNER... AND KEVIN SCOTT! LADIES AND GENTLEMEN...

AND KEVIN SCOTT! LADIES AND GENTLEMEN... CHRISTOPHER LEE!

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN... CHRISTOPHER LEE! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

THANK YOU. THANK YOU VERY MUCH. I'M QUITE SURE THAT WHEN SOME OF

THANK YOU VERY MUCH. I'M QUITE SURE THAT WHEN SOME OF YOU HEARD THAT CHRISTOPHER LEE

I'M QUITE SURE THAT WHEN SOME OF YOU HEARD THAT CHRISTOPHER LEE WAS GOING TO HOST

YOU HEARD THAT CHRISTOPHER LEE WAS GOING TO HOST "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE," YOU WERE

WAS GOING TO HOST "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE," YOU WERE SOMEWHAT SURPRISED AND NOT A

"SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE," YOU WERE SOMEWHAT SURPRISED AND NOT A LITTLE... APPREHENSIVE.

SOMEWHAT SURPRISED AND NOT A LITTLE... APPREHENSIVE. WELL, SO WAS I.

LITTLE... APPREHENSIVE. WELL, SO WAS I. IN FACT, I APPROACHED THIS WHOLE

WELL, SO WAS I. IN FACT, I APPROACHED THIS WHOLE THING WITH CONSIDERABLE

IN FACT, I APPROACHED THIS WHOLE THING WITH CONSIDERABLE TREPIDATION AND DREAD.

THING WITH CONSIDERABLE TREPIDATION AND DREAD. YOU SEE, I'VE SEEN THE SHOW, AND

TREPIDATION AND DREAD. YOU SEE, I'VE SEEN THE SHOW, AND I ADMIRE IT ENORMOUSLY.

YOU SEE, I'VE SEEN THE SHOW, AND I ADMIRE IT ENORMOUSLY. AT TIMES, I EVEN FIND IT, UM...

I ADMIRE IT ENORMOUSLY. AT TIMES, I EVEN FIND IT, UM... QUITE HUMOROUS.

AT TIMES, I EVEN FIND IT, UM... QUITE HUMOROUS. [LAUGHTER]

QUITE HUMOROUS. [LAUGHTER] YOU KNOW, I'VE APPEARED IN OVER

[LAUGHTER] YOU KNOW, I'VE APPEARED IN OVER 130 MOTION PICTURES AND NOT ALL

YOU KNOW, I'VE APPEARED IN OVER 130 MOTION PICTURES AND NOT ALL OF THEM BEGIN AT 3:00 A.M. ON

130 MOTION PICTURES AND NOT ALL OF THEM BEGIN AT 3:00 A.M. ON CHANNEL 9.

OF THEM BEGIN AT 3:00 A.M. ON CHANNEL 9. [LAUGHTER]

CHANNEL 9. [LAUGHTER] I WAS

[LAUGHTER] I WAS "THE MAN WITH THE GOLDEN GUN"...

I WAS "THE MAN WITH THE GOLDEN GUN"... THE JAMES BOND FILM.

"THE MAN WITH THE GOLDEN GUN"... THE JAMES BOND FILM. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

THE JAMES BOND FILM. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] I PLAYED WITH RAQUEL WELCH IN

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] I PLAYED WITH RAQUEL WELCH IN "THE THREE" AND

I PLAYED WITH RAQUEL WELCH IN "THE THREE" AND "FOUR MUSKETEERS."

"THE THREE" AND "FOUR MUSKETEERS." I DROWNED IN "AIRPORT 77."

"FOUR MUSKETEERS." I DROWNED IN "AIRPORT 77." AND I AM SURE THAT YOU WILL

I DROWNED IN "AIRPORT 77." AND I AM SURE THAT YOU WILL REMEMBER ME VIVIDLY AS TRIXIE IN

AND I AM SURE THAT YOU WILL REMEMBER ME VIVIDLY AS TRIXIE IN "THE HONEYMOONERS."

REMEMBER ME VIVIDLY AS TRIXIE IN "THE HONEYMOONERS." [LAUGHTER]

"THE HONEYMOONERS." [LAUGHTER] AS YOU MAY KNOW, I FIRST CAME TO

[LAUGHTER] AS YOU MAY KNOW, I FIRST CAME TO PUBLIC ATTENTION THROUGH MY

AS YOU MAY KNOW, I FIRST CAME TO PUBLIC ATTENTION THROUGH MY APPEARANCES IN CERTAIN RATHER...

PUBLIC ATTENTION THROUGH MY APPEARANCES IN CERTAIN RATHER... EERIE AND MACABRE FILMS.

APPEARANCES IN CERTAIN RATHER... EERIE AND MACABRE FILMS. BUT YOU MAY BE SURPRISED TO

EERIE AND MACABRE FILMS. BUT YOU MAY BE SURPRISED TO LEARN THAT I HAVEN'T MADE ONE IN

BUT YOU MAY BE SURPRISED TO LEARN THAT I HAVEN'T MADE ONE IN SEVERAL YEARS.

LEARN THAT I HAVEN'T MADE ONE IN SEVERAL YEARS. THIS IS BECAUSE I HAVE A GREAT

SEVERAL YEARS. THIS IS BECAUSE I HAVE A GREAT DEAL OF RESPECT FOR THIS KIND OF

THIS IS BECAUSE I HAVE A GREAT DEAL OF RESPECT FOR THIS KIND OF FILM, AND I DON'T THINK THAT

DEAL OF RESPECT FOR THIS KIND OF FILM, AND I DON'T THINK THAT VERY GOOD ONES ARE BEING

FILM, AND I DON'T THINK THAT VERY GOOD ONES ARE BEING PRODUCED ANYMORE.

VERY GOOD ONES ARE BEING PRODUCED ANYMORE. WEEK AFTER WEEK, I FIND MYSELF

PRODUCED ANYMORE. WEEK AFTER WEEK, I FIND MYSELF RECEIVING SCRIPTS LIKE

WEEK AFTER WEEK, I FIND MYSELF RECEIVING SCRIPTS LIKE "THE CREATURE FROM THE BLACK

RECEIVING SCRIPTS LIKE "THE CREATURE FROM THE BLACK STUDIES PROGRAM."

"THE CREATURE FROM THE BLACK STUDIES PROGRAM." [LAUGHTER]

STUDIES PROGRAM." [LAUGHTER] AND "FRANKENSTEIN SNUBS THE

[LAUGHTER] AND "FRANKENSTEIN SNUBS THE WOLFMAN."

AND "FRANKENSTEIN SNUBS THE WOLFMAN." AND, OF COURSE, "DR. TERROR'S

WOLFMAN." AND, OF COURSE, "DR. TERROR'S HOUSE OF PANCAKES."

AND, OF COURSE, "DR. TERROR'S HOUSE OF PANCAKES." BUT...

HOUSE OF PANCAKES." BUT... [LAUGHTER]

BUT... [LAUGHTER] TO GIVE YOU AN IDEA OF THE

[LAUGHTER] TO GIVE YOU AN IDEA OF THE DEPTHS TO WHICH THIS SORT OF

TO GIVE YOU AN IDEA OF THE DEPTHS TO WHICH THIS SORT OF PICTURE HAS SUNK NOWADAYS, I

DEPTHS TO WHICH THIS SORT OF PICTURE HAS SUNK NOWADAYS, I CAN'T DO BETTER THAN TO SHOW YOU

PICTURE HAS SUNK NOWADAYS, I CAN'T DO BETTER THAN TO SHOW YOU SOME COMING ATTRACTIONS.

CAN'T DO BETTER THAN TO SHOW YOU SOME COMING ATTRACTIONS. HERE, THEN, ARE THE TRAILERS FOR

SOME COMING ATTRACTIONS. HERE, THEN, ARE THE TRAILERS FOR THREE CURRENT FILMS.

[EERIE MUSIC PLAYS] [Transylvanian accent] AH, COULD YOU DESCRIBE THE SUITCASE?

[Transylvanian accent] AH, COULD YOU DESCRIBE THE SUITCASE? CAN'T YOU SEE I'M IN NO

COULD YOU DESCRIBE THE SUITCASE? CAN'T YOU SEE I'M IN NO CONDITION?

CAN'T YOU SEE I'M IN NO CONDITION? WELL, IS IT AN OVERNIGHT BAG?

CONDITION? WELL, IS IT AN OVERNIGHT BAG? A VALISE?

WELL, IS IT AN OVERNIGHT BAG? A VALISE? A GARMENT BAG?

A VALISE? A GARMENT BAG? HUH?

A GARMENT BAG? HUH? PERHAPS MY ASSISTANT CAN BE OF

HUH? PERHAPS MY ASSISTANT CAN BE OF SOME HELP.

PERHAPS MY ASSISTANT CAN BE OF SOME HELP. COME, ASSISTANT.

SOME HELP. COME, ASSISTANT. [SCREAMS]

COME, ASSISTANT. [SCREAMS] Announcer: WHEN YOU VISIT

[SCREAMS] Announcer: WHEN YOU VISIT THE ISLAND OF DR. MOBIUS, YOU

Announcer: WHEN YOU VISIT THE ISLAND OF DR. MOBIUS, YOU LEAVE YOUR SOUL AND YOUR BAGS

THE ISLAND OF DR. MOBIUS, YOU LEAVE YOUR SOUL AND YOUR BAGS BEHIND!

LEAVE YOUR SOUL AND YOUR BAGS BEHIND! FOR THIS IS...

BEHIND! FOR THIS IS... [DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS]

FOR THIS IS... [DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS] BASED ON A STORY BY H.G. WELLS,

[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS] BASED ON A STORY BY H.G. WELLS, ALTHOUGH THE LUGGAGE PART WAS

BASED ON A STORY BY H.G. WELLS, ALTHOUGH THE LUGGAGE PART WAS REALLY THE IDEA OF FRANK BORMON,

ALTHOUGH THE LUGGAGE PART WAS REALLY THE IDEA OF FRANK BORMON, WHO'S IN CHARGE OF

REALLY THE IDEA OF FRANK BORMON, WHO'S IN CHARGE OF EASTERN AIRLINES.

WHO'S IN CHARGE OF EASTERN AIRLINES. "THE ISLAND OF LOST LUGGAGE" IS

EASTERN AIRLINES. "THE ISLAND OF LOST LUGGAGE" IS ONE OF THE MOST TERRIFYING

"THE ISLAND OF LOST LUGGAGE" IS ONE OF THE MOST TERRIFYING MOTION PICTURES EVER MADE.

MOBIUS, YOU MONSTER! GIVE ME MY LUGGAGE! CERTAINLY.

GIVE ME MY LUGGAGE! CERTAINLY. BUT FIRST, YOU MUST REST AND

CERTAINLY. BUT FIRST, YOU MUST REST AND VISIT MY LABORATORY.

BUT FIRST, YOU MUST REST AND VISIT MY LABORATORY. [CHUCKLES]

VISIT MY LABORATORY. [CHUCKLES] AND BY THE WAY, I'M SURE THAT

[CHUCKLES] AND BY THE WAY, I'M SURE THAT YOU HAVE YOUR CLAIM CHECK.

AND BY THE WAY, I'M SURE THAT YOU HAVE YOUR CLAIM CHECK. [LAUGHS EVILLY]

YOU HAVE YOUR CLAIM CHECK. [LAUGHS EVILLY] [SCREAMS]

[LAUGHS EVILLY] [SCREAMS] Announcer: AN EXPERIENCE

[SCREAMS] Announcer: AN EXPERIENCE IN TERROR AND INCONVENIENCE!

IN TERROR AND INCONVENIENCE! NOW AT NEIGHBORHOOD THEATERS.

NOW AT NEIGHBORHOOD THEATERS. SPECIAL 3-D GLASSES AVAILABLE IN

SPECIAL 3-D GLASSES AVAILABLE IN LOBBY.

WELL, UH, WE'RE GLAD YOU COULD [YAWNS] STOP BY, BUT [YAWNS] IT'S GETTING PRETTY

COULD [YAWNS] STOP BY, BUT [YAWNS] IT'S GETTING PRETTY LATE, AND, UH, WE'D BETTER GET

[YAWNS] IT'S GETTING PRETTY LATE, AND, UH, WE'D BETTER GET TO BED NOW.

LATE, AND, UH, WE'D BETTER GET TO BED NOW. DON'T YOU HAVE ANY OTHER

TO BED NOW. DON'T YOU HAVE ANY OTHER RECORDS BESIDES THESE?

DON'T YOU HAVE ANY OTHER RECORDS BESIDES THESE? I THINK I'M GONNA TO BORROW THIS

RECORDS BESIDES THESE? I THINK I'M GONNA TO BORROW THIS ONE.

I THINK I'M GONNA TO BORROW THIS ONE. [SCREAMS]

ONE. [SCREAMS] [DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS]

[SCREAMS] [DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS] Announcer: IT CAME WITHOUT

[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS] Announcer: IT CAME WITHOUT WARNING!

Announcer: IT CAME WITHOUT WARNING! THEY WERE JUST BEING POLITE!

WARNING! THEY WERE JUST BEING POLITE! THEY DIDN'T REALIZE THAT THEY'D

THEY WERE JUST BEING POLITE! THEY DIDN'T REALIZE THAT THEY'D BE STUCK WITH...

YOU SEE, WE BOTH HAVE TO BE AT WORK REAL EARLY TOMORROW MORNING, SEE?

AT WORK REAL EARLY TOMORROW MORNING, SEE? GOD, I'M THIRSTY.

MORNING, SEE? GOD, I'M THIRSTY. IS ANYTHING IN THE FRIDGE?

GOD, I'M THIRSTY. IS ANYTHING IN THE FRIDGE? [SCREAMS]

IS ANYTHING IN THE FRIDGE? [SCREAMS] LOOK, I DON'T WANT TO BE

[SCREAMS] LOOK, I DON'T WANT TO BE RUDE, BUT MY WIFE IS VERY TIRED.

LOOK, I DON'T WANT TO BE RUDE, BUT MY WIFE IS VERY TIRED. [CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]

RUDE, BUT MY WIFE IS VERY TIRED. [CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY] YEAH.

[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY] YEAH. HEY, THERE'S A GOOD MOVIE ON

YEAH. HEY, THERE'S A GOOD MOVIE ON TONIGHT!

HEY, THERE'S A GOOD MOVIE ON TONIGHT! I THINK I'LL CALL UP SOME

TONIGHT! I THINK I'LL CALL UP SOME FRIENDS AND WATCH IT OVER HERE.

I THINK I'LL CALL UP SOME FRIENDS AND WATCH IT OVER HERE. [SCREAMS]

FRIENDS AND WATCH IT OVER HERE. [SCREAMS] Announcer: IT CAME FROM

[SCREAMS] Announcer: IT CAME FROM BEYOND THE GRAVE... A CREATURE

Announcer: IT CAME FROM BEYOND THE GRAVE... A CREATURE SO RUDE, SO INCONSIDERATE, THEY

BEYOND THE GRAVE... A CREATURE SO RUDE, SO INCONSIDERATE, THEY THOUGHT IT WOULD NEVER LEAVE!

SO RUDE, SO INCONSIDERATE, THEY THOUGHT IT WOULD NEVER LEAVE! I'M GONNA MAKE A

THOUGHT IT WOULD NEVER LEAVE! I'M GONNA MAKE A LONG-DISTANCE CALL, OKAY?

I'M GONNA MAKE A LONG-DISTANCE CALL, OKAY? [SCREAMS]

[SCREAMS] Announcer: "THE THING THAT

Announcer: "THE THING THAT WOULDN'T LEAVE"... YOU MAY NEVER

WOULDN'T LEAVE"... YOU MAY NEVER HAVE GUESTS AGAIN!

IT MAY NEVER LEAVE.

[EERIE MUSIC PLAYS] Announcer: VINCENT PRICE IS DR. JEKYLL.

Announcer: VINCENT PRICE IS DR. JEKYLL. VINCENT PRICE HAS NEVER BEEN

DR. JEKYLL. VINCENT PRICE HAS NEVER BEEN MORE TERRIFYING.

VINCENT PRICE HAS NEVER BEEN MORE TERRIFYING. HENRY, YOU MUST GET SOME

MORE TERRIFYING. HENRY, YOU MUST GET SOME SLEEP.

HENRY, YOU MUST GET SOME SLEEP. DON'T DRIVE YOURSELF SO.

SLEEP. DON'T DRIVE YOURSELF SO. I CAN'T STOP NOW.

DON'T DRIVE YOURSELF SO. I CAN'T STOP NOW. NOT WHEN I'M SO CLOSE.

I CAN'T STOP NOW. NOT WHEN I'M SO CLOSE. HENRY, COME BACK TO THE

NOT WHEN I'M SO CLOSE. HENRY, COME BACK TO THE UNIVERSITY.

HENRY, COME BACK TO THE UNIVERSITY. THE UNIVERSITY?

UNIVERSITY. THE UNIVERSITY? WHERE THEY LAUGHED AT MY

THE UNIVERSITY? WHERE THEY LAUGHED AT MY EXPERIMENTS AND CALLED ME A

WHERE THEY LAUGHED AT MY EXPERIMENTS AND CALLED ME A MADMAN.

EXPERIMENTS AND CALLED ME A MADMAN. WE'LL SEE WHO'S MAD NOW!

MADMAN. WE'LL SEE WHO'S MAD NOW! HENRY, DON'T!

WE'LL SEE WHO'S MAD NOW! HENRY, DON'T! [SCREAMS]

HENRY, DON'T! [SCREAMS] [LAUGHS MANIACALLY]

[SCREAMS] [LAUGHS MANIACALLY] Announcer: DR. HENRY JEKYLL.

[LAUGHS MANIACALLY] Announcer: DR. HENRY JEKYLL. A BRILLIANT SCIENTIST.

Announcer: DR. HENRY JEKYLL. A BRILLIANT SCIENTIST. BUT THERE ARE SOME DOORS MAN WAS

A BRILLIANT SCIENTIST. BUT THERE ARE SOME DOORS MAN WAS NEVER MEANT TO OPEN.

BUT THERE ARE SOME DOORS MAN WAS NEVER MEANT TO OPEN. VINCENT PRICE IS

NEVER MEANT TO OPEN. VINCENT PRICE IS DR. HENRY JEKYLL IN...

[INTRO TO "WON'T YOU BE MY NEIGHBOR?" PLAYS] ♪ IT'S A BEAUTIFUL DAY IN

[NEIGHBOR?" PLAYS] ♪ IT'S A BEAUTIFUL DAY IN THIS NEIGHBORHOOD ♪

♪ IT'S A BEAUTIFUL DAY IN THIS NEIGHBORHOOD ♪ ♪ A BEAUTIFUL DAY FOR A

THIS NEIGHBORHOOD ♪ ♪ A BEAUTIFUL DAY FOR A NEIGHBOR ♪

♪ A BEAUTIFUL DAY FOR A NEIGHBOR ♪ ♪ WOULD YOU BE MINE? ♪

NEIGHBOR ♪ ♪ WOULD YOU BE MINE? ♪ ♪ COULD YOU BE MINE? ♪

♪ WOULD YOU BE MINE? ♪ ♪ COULD YOU BE MINE? ♪ ♪ IT'S A NEIGHBORLY DAY IN THIS

♪ COULD YOU BE MINE? ♪ ♪ IT'S A NEIGHBORLY DAY IN THIS BEAUTY WOOD ♪

♪ IT'S A NEIGHBORLY DAY IN THIS BEAUTY WOOD ♪ ♪ A NEIGHBORLY DAY FOR BEAUTY ♪

BEAUTY WOOD ♪ ♪ A NEIGHBORLY DAY FOR BEAUTY ♪ ♪ WOULD YOU BE MINE? ♪

♪ A NEIGHBORLY DAY FOR BEAUTY ♪ ♪ WOULD YOU BE MINE? ♪ ♪ COULD YOU BE MINE? ♪

♪ WOULD YOU BE MINE? ♪ ♪ COULD YOU BE MINE? ♪ HI, NEIGHBOR.

♪ COULD YOU BE MINE? ♪ HI, NEIGHBOR. I'M GLAD WE'RE TOGETHER TODAY.

HI, NEIGHBOR. I'M GLAD WE'RE TOGETHER TODAY. DO YOU KNOW WHAT THIS IS?

I'M GLAD WE'RE TOGETHER TODAY. DO YOU KNOW WHAT THIS IS? THIS IS GUEST DAY.

DO YOU KNOW WHAT THIS IS? THIS IS GUEST DAY. THAT'S RIGHT... GUEST DAY.

THIS IS GUEST DAY. THAT'S RIGHT... GUEST DAY. CAN YOU SAY THAT?

THAT'S RIGHT... GUEST DAY. CAN YOU SAY THAT? MM-HMM.

CAN YOU SAY THAT? MM-HMM. I THOUGHT YOU COULD.

MM-HMM. I THOUGHT YOU COULD. OVER HERE, WE'VE GOT OUR LITTLE

I THOUGHT YOU COULD. OVER HERE, WE'VE GOT OUR LITTLE GUEST... A BEAKER.

OVER HERE, WE'VE GOT OUR LITTLE GUEST... A BEAKER. [SCREAMS]

GUEST... A BEAKER. [SCREAMS] CAN YOU SAY THAT?

[SCREAMS] CAN YOU SAY THAT? Announcer: "DR. JEKYLL AND

CAN YOU SAY THAT? Announcer: "DR. JEKYLL AND MISTER ROGERS"!

Announcer: "DR. JEKYLL AND MISTER ROGERS"! JUST KEEP SAYING TO YOURSELF,

MISTER ROGERS"! JUST KEEP SAYING TO YOURSELF, "IT'S EDUCATIONAL!

JUST KEEP SAYING TO YOURSELF, "IT'S EDUCATIONAL! IT'S EDUCATIONAL!

"IT'S EDUCATIONAL! IT'S EDUCATIONAL! IT'S EDUCATIONAL!"

YOU SEE WHAT I MEAN? [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] [BAND PLAYS]

MORE PORT, PICKERING? [British accent] OH, DON'T MIND IF I DO.

[British accent] OH, DON'T MIND IF I DO. HIGGINS, HOW'S ELIZA THESE DAYS?

MIND IF I DO. HIGGINS, HOW'S ELIZA THESE DAYS? DON'T EVER MENTION THAT

HIGGINS, HOW'S ELIZA THESE DAYS? DON'T EVER MENTION THAT UNGRATEFUL WRETCH

DON'T EVER MENTION THAT UNGRATEFUL WRETCH ELIZA DOOLITTLE TO ME AGAIN.

UNGRATEFUL WRETCH ELIZA DOOLITTLE TO ME AGAIN. AFTER ALL I DID FOR HER, HOW

ELIZA DOOLITTLE TO ME AGAIN. AFTER ALL I DID FOR HER, HOW DARE SHE GO AND MARRY FREDDY?!

AFTER ALL I DID FOR HER, HOW DARE SHE GO AND MARRY FREDDY?! PICKERING, WHY CAN'T A WOMAN BE

DARE SHE GO AND MARRY FREDDY?! PICKERING, WHY CAN'T A WOMAN BE MORE LIKE A MAN?

PICKERING, WHY CAN'T A WOMAN BE MORE LIKE A MAN? ["WHY CAN'T THE ENGLISH?"

MORE LIKE A MAN? ["WHY CAN'T THE ENGLISH?" PLAYS]

["WHY CAN'T THE ENGLISH?" PLAYS] [MUSIC STOPS]

[PLAYS] [MUSIC STOPS] I DON'T KNOW.

[MUSIC STOPS] I DON'T KNOW. ME NEITHER, ME NEITHER.

I DON'T KNOW. ME NEITHER, ME NEITHER. [Cockney accent] PROFESSOR

ME NEITHER, ME NEITHER. [Cockney accent] PROFESSOR HIGGINS, THERE'S A WOMAN HERE TO

[Cockney accent] PROFESSOR HIGGINS, THERE'S A WOMAN HERE TO SEE YOU, AND I CAN'T UNDERSTAND

HIGGINS, THERE'S A WOMAN HERE TO SEE YOU, AND I CAN'T UNDERSTAND A WORD SHE'S SAYING.

SEE YOU, AND I CAN'T UNDERSTAND A WORD SHE'S SAYING. SHE'S PROBABLY AN AMERICAN.

A WORD SHE'S SAYING. SHE'S PROBABLY AN AMERICAN. SEND HER IN.

SHE'S PROBABLY AN AMERICAN. SEND HER IN. HEWWO.

SEND HER IN. HEWWO. I'M BABA WAWA FROM

HEWWO. I'M BABA WAWA FROM "BABA WAWA AT LARGE."

I'M BABA WAWA FROM "BABA WAWA AT LARGE." AND YOU MUST HENWY HIGGINS,

"BABA WAWA AT LARGE." AND YOU MUST HENWY HIGGINS, WORLD-WENOWNED WINGUIST.

AND YOU MUST HENWY HIGGINS, WORLD-WENOWNED WINGUIST. HOW DO YOU DO?

WORLD-WENOWNED WINGUIST. HOW DO YOU DO? COLONEL PICKERING.

HOW DO YOU DO? COLONEL PICKERING. HOW DO... HOW DO YOU DO?

COLONEL PICKERING. HOW DO... HOW DO YOU DO? OH, PWEASED TO MEET YOU BOTH.

HOW DO... HOW DO YOU DO? OH, PWEASED TO MEET YOU BOTH. WHAT A WOVELY WIBRARY.

OH, PWEASED TO MEET YOU BOTH. WHAT A WOVELY WIBRARY. YOU KNOW, I WAS THINKING OF

WHAT A WOVELY WIBRARY. YOU KNOW, I WAS THINKING OF WENTING A FLAT MYSELF IN WONDON.

YOU KNOW, I WAS THINKING OF WENTING A FLAT MYSELF IN WONDON. NOTHING EWABORATE.

WENTING A FLAT MYSELF IN WONDON. NOTHING EWABORATE. ALL I WANT IS A WOOM SOMEWHERE.

NOTHING EWABORATE. ALL I WANT IS A WOOM SOMEWHERE. ["WOULDN'T IT BE LOVERLY"

ALL I WANT IS A WOOM SOMEWHERE. ["WOULDN'T IT BE LOVERLY" PLAYS]

["WOULDN'T IT BE LOVERLY" PLAYS] [MUSIC STOPS]

[PLAYS] [MUSIC STOPS] LODGINGS ARE VERY SCARCE

[MUSIC STOPS] LODGINGS ARE VERY SCARCE THESE DAYS.

LODGINGS ARE VERY SCARCE THESE DAYS. WHAT AN EXTRAORDINARY SPEECH

THESE DAYS. WHAT AN EXTRAORDINARY SPEECH IMPEDIMENT.

WHAT AN EXTRAORDINARY SPEECH IMPEDIMENT. YES, IT'S ATROCIOUS.

IMPEDIMENT. YES, IT'S ATROCIOUS. COLD-BLOODED MURDER OF THE

YES, IT'S ATROCIOUS. COLD-BLOODED MURDER OF THE ENGLISH TONGUE.

COLD-BLOODED MURDER OF THE ENGLISH TONGUE. WOOK, I'M WELL AWARE THAT MY

ENGLISH TONGUE. WOOK, I'M WELL AWARE THAT MY PWONUNCIATION IS A WITTLE WEIRD.

WOOK, I'M WELL AWARE THAT MY PWONUNCIATION IS A WITTLE WEIRD. I TAKE A WOT OF WIBBING ABOUT

PWONUNCIATION IS A WITTLE WEIRD. I TAKE A WOT OF WIBBING ABOUT IT, WEALLY.

I TAKE A WOT OF WIBBING ABOUT IT, WEALLY. OUI, OUI.

IT, WEALLY. OUI, OUI. OH, NO, THANKS, I JUST WENT.

OUI, OUI. OH, NO, THANKS, I JUST WENT. NOW, WET ME EXPWAIN TO YOU WHY

OH, NO, THANKS, I JUST WENT. NOW, WET ME EXPWAIN TO YOU WHY I'M HERE.

NOW, WET ME EXPWAIN TO YOU WHY I'M HERE. UNCANNY HOW SHE MANGLES

I'M HERE. UNCANNY HOW SHE MANGLES SPEECH.

UNCANNY HOW SHE MANGLES SPEECH. SHE CONDEMNS HERSELF WITH

SPEECH. SHE CONDEMNS HERSELF WITH EVERY SYLLABLE SHE UTTERS.

SHE CONDEMNS HERSELF WITH EVERY SYLLABLE SHE UTTERS. UH, YOU SEE, MY SUPEWIOR AT

EVERY SYLLABLE SHE UTTERS. UH, YOU SEE, MY SUPEWIOR AT THE AMERICAN BWOADCASTING

UH, YOU SEE, MY SUPEWIOR AT THE AMERICAN BWOADCASTING COMPANY, WOON AWLEDGE... WELL,

THE AMERICAN BWOADCASTING COMPANY, WOON AWLEDGE... WELL, HE'S GETTING RID OF MY

COMPANY, WOON AWLEDGE... WELL, HE'S GETTING RID OF MY CO-ANCHORPERSON, HAWWY WEASONER,

HE'S GETTING RID OF MY CO-ANCHORPERSON, HAWWY WEASONER, WHICH MEANS I, BABA WAWA, COULD

CO-ANCHORPERSON, HAWWY WEASONER, WHICH MEANS I, BABA WAWA, COULD BECOME AS BIG AS

WHICH MEANS I, BABA WAWA, COULD BECOME AS BIG AS WALTER CWONKITE.

BECOME AS BIG AS WALTER CWONKITE. IF I COULD ONLY WEARN TO TALK

WALTER CWONKITE. IF I COULD ONLY WEARN TO TALK COWWECTLY!

IF I COULD ONLY WEARN TO TALK COWWECTLY! THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE.

COWWECTLY! THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE. [COUGHS]

THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE. [COUGHS] I-I-I-I BEG YOUR PARDON.

[COUGHS] I-I-I-I BEG YOUR PARDON. DID YOU MEAN TO IMPLY THAT, IN

I-I-I-I BEG YOUR PARDON. DID YOU MEAN TO IMPLY THAT, IN AMERICA, THEY ACTUALLY ALLOW YOU

DID YOU MEAN TO IMPLY THAT, IN AMERICA, THEY ACTUALLY ALLOW YOU TO GO ON TELEVISION AND SPEAK?

AMERICA, THEY ACTUALLY ALLOW YOU TO GO ON TELEVISION AND SPEAK? ABSOWUTELY.

TO GO ON TELEVISION AND SPEAK? ABSOWUTELY. WHY, THEY ENCOUWAGE ME.

ABSOWUTELY. WHY, THEY ENCOUWAGE ME. THEY PAY ME A MILLION DOLLARS.

WHY, THEY ENCOUWAGE ME. THEY PAY ME A MILLION DOLLARS. OH.

THEY PAY ME A MILLION DOLLARS. OH. UM, YOU KNOW, PICKERING,

OH. UM, YOU KNOW, PICKERING, SOMETHING ABOUT HER I'M

UM, YOU KNOW, PICKERING, SOMETHING ABOUT HER I'M BEGINNING TO LIKE.

SOMETHING ABOUT HER I'M BEGINNING TO LIKE. WELL, IT WOULD BE A

BEGINNING TO LIKE. WELL, IT WOULD BE A CHALLENGE, OLD BOY.

WELL, IT WOULD BE A CHALLENGE, OLD BOY. OH, PWEASE, PWEASE, PWEASE,

CHALLENGE, OLD BOY. OH, PWEASE, PWEASE, PWEASE, PWEASE, CAN YOU TEACH ME TO TALK

OH, PWEASE, PWEASE, PWEASE, PWEASE, CAN YOU TEACH ME TO TALK PWOPEWLY?

PWEASE, CAN YOU TEACH ME TO TALK PWOPEWLY? I KNOW I CAN, WITH A LOT OF

PWOPEWLY? I KNOW I CAN, WITH A LOT OF HARD WORK AND SEVERAL LARGE

I KNOW I CAN, WITH A LOT OF HARD WORK AND SEVERAL LARGE CHECKS MADE OUT TO ME AND, OF

HARD WORK AND SEVERAL LARGE CHECKS MADE OUT TO ME AND, OF COURSE, A LITTLE BIT OF LUCK.

CHECKS MADE OUT TO ME AND, OF COURSE, A LITTLE BIT OF LUCK. [CHUCKLES]

COURSE, A LITTLE BIT OF LUCK. [CHUCKLES] ["WITH A LITTLE BIT OF LUCK"

[CHUCKLES] ["WITH A LITTLE BIT OF LUCK" PLAYS, STOPS]

["WITH A LITTLE BIT OF LUCK" PLAYS, STOPS] YOU CAN?!

[PLAYS, STOPS] YOU CAN?! OH, WOULDN'T IT BE WOVERLY!

YOU CAN?! OH, WOULDN'T IT BE WOVERLY! ["WOULDN'T IT BE LOVERLY"

OH, WOULDN'T IT BE WOVERLY! ["WOULDN'T IT BE LOVERLY" PLAYS]

["WOULDN'T IT BE LOVERLY" PLAYS] [MUSIC STOPS]

[PLAYS] [MUSIC STOPS] YES, IT WOULD.

[MUSIC STOPS] YES, IT WOULD. NOW, LET'S... LET'S BEGIN.

YES, IT WOULD. NOW, LET'S... LET'S BEGIN. NOW, REPEAT AFTER ME.

NOW, LET'S... LET'S BEGIN. NOW, REPEAT AFTER ME. THE RAIN IN SPAIN STAYS MAINLY

NOW, REPEAT AFTER ME. THE RAIN IN SPAIN STAYS MAINLY IN THE PLAIN.

THE RAIN IN SPAIN STAYS MAINLY IN THE PLAIN. [CHUCKLES]

IN THE PLAIN. [CHUCKLES] THE WAIN IN SPAIN STAYS MAINWY

[CHUCKLES] THE WAIN IN SPAIN STAYS MAINWY IN THE PWAIN.

THE WAIN IN SPAIN STAYS MAINWY IN THE PWAIN. THIS COULD TAKE MONTHS.

ALL RIGHT, NOW, LET'S TRY IT ONE MORE TIME. [CLEARS THROAT]

ONE MORE TIME. [CLEARS THROAT] NOW, ONCE AGAIN...

[CLEARS THROAT] NOW, ONCE AGAIN... WHERE DOES IT RAIN?

NOW, ONCE AGAIN... WHERE DOES IT RAIN? IN SPAIN.

WHERE DOES IT RAIN? IN SPAIN. IN SPAIN.

IN SPAIN. IN SPAIN. I THINK SHE'S GOT IT!

IN SPAIN. I THINK SHE'S GOT IT! AND WHERE'S THE SOGGY PLAIN?

I THINK SHE'S GOT IT! AND WHERE'S THE SOGGY PLAIN? ♪ IN SPAIN! ♪

AND WHERE'S THE SOGGY PLAIN? ♪ IN SPAIN! ♪ ♪ IN SPAIN! ♪

♪ IN SPAIN! ♪ ♪ IN SPAIN! ♪ BY GEORGE, SHE'S GOT IT!

♪ IN SPAIN! ♪ BY GEORGE, SHE'S GOT IT! ♪ THE WAIN IN SPAIN STAYS

BY GEORGE, SHE'S GOT IT! ♪ THE WAIN IN SPAIN STAYS MAINWY IN THE PWAIN! ♪

♪ THE WAIN IN SPAIN STAYS MAINWY IN THE PWAIN! ♪ BY GEORGE, SHE'S NOT EVEN

MAINWY IN THE PWAIN! ♪ BY GEORGE, SHE'S NOT EVEN CLOSE.

BY GEORGE, SHE'S NOT EVEN CLOSE. THIS... THIS COULD TAKE

CLOSE. THIS... THIS COULD TAKE YEARS.

[BREATHING HEAVILY] WISTEN. WISTEN, WISTEN.

WISTEN. WISTEN, WISTEN. I CAN SAY THIS.

WISTEN, WISTEN. I CAN SAY THIS. THE INSPAIN... THE INSANE IN

I CAN SAY THIS. THE INSPAIN... THE INSANE IN SPAIN STAY MOST OF THE TIME ON

THE INSPAIN... THE INSANE IN SPAIN STAY MOST OF THE TIME ON NOVACAIN.

SPAIN STAY MOST OF THE TIME ON NOVACAIN. Both: OH, SHUT UP!

NOVACAIN. Both: OH, SHUT UP! [SOBBING]

Both: OH, SHUT UP! [SOBBING] I'M SOWWY, HENWY, BUT IT'S

[SOBBING] I'M SOWWY, HENWY, BUT IT'S HOPEWESS.

I'M SOWWY, HENWY, BUT IT'S HOPEWESS. I GUESS I WEALLY OUGHT TO WETURN

HOPEWESS. I GUESS I WEALLY OUGHT TO WETURN TO BWOADCASTING, GO BACK TO

I GUESS I WEALLY OUGHT TO WETURN TO BWOADCASTING, GO BACK TO AMERICA.

TO BWOADCASTING, GO BACK TO AMERICA. NO, I'LL QUIT BWOADCASTING AND

AMERICA. NO, I'LL QUIT BWOADCASTING AND I'LL WOOK FOR A WICH HUSBAND.

NO, I'LL QUIT BWOADCASTING AND I'LL WOOK FOR A WICH HUSBAND. WHY, I COULD MAWWY

I'LL WOOK FOR A WICH HUSBAND. WHY, I COULD MAWWY FWEDDIE SILVERMAN.

WHY, I COULD MAWWY FWEDDIE SILVERMAN. MAWWY FWEDDIE?

FWEDDIE SILVERMAN. MAWWY FWEDDIE? WHAT A WIDICULOUS IDEA!

MAWWY FWEDDIE? WHAT A WIDICULOUS IDEA! OH, NO!

WHAT A WIDICULOUS IDEA! OH, NO! WISTEN TO YOU!

OH, NO! WISTEN TO YOU! WHAT A WEVOLTING DEVEWOPMENT!

WISTEN TO YOU! WHAT A WEVOLTING DEVEWOPMENT! I'VE WUINED YOUR CAWEER!

WHAT A WEVOLTING DEVEWOPMENT! I'VE WUINED YOUR CAWEER! I MIGHT AS WELL GO.

I'VE WUINED YOUR CAWEER! I MIGHT AS WELL GO. BABA!

I MIGHT AS WELL GO. BABA! DON'T WEAVE HENWY LIKE THIS!

BABA! DON'T WEAVE HENWY LIKE THIS! CAN'T YOU SEE HE WOVES YOU?

DON'T WEAVE HENWY LIKE THIS! CAN'T YOU SEE HE WOVES YOU? YES, PICKEWING'S WIGHT.

CAN'T YOU SEE HE WOVES YOU? YES, PICKEWING'S WIGHT. AS STWANGE AS IT SOUNDS, I'VE

YES, PICKEWING'S WIGHT. AS STWANGE AS IT SOUNDS, I'VE GROWN ACCUSTOMED TO YOUR WISP.

AS STWANGE AS IT SOUNDS, I'VE GROWN ACCUSTOMED TO YOUR WISP. [GASPS]

GROWN ACCUSTOMED TO YOUR WISP. [GASPS] BABA.

[GASPS] BABA. WHAT?

BABA. WHAT? FETCH ME MY SWIPPERS.

AND NOW, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, I WOULD LIKE YOU TO MEET...

GENTLEMEN, I WOULD LIKE YOU TO MEET... LOAF.

MEET... LOAF. [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

LOAF. [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE] I BEG YOUR PARDON.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE] I BEG YOUR PARDON. WHAT?

I BEG YOUR PARDON. WHAT? OH.

WHAT? OH. OH, I'M SORRY.

OH. OH, I'M SORRY. YES, OF COURSE.

OH, I'M SORRY. YES, OF COURSE. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, MEAT LOAF!

YES, OF COURSE. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, MEAT LOAF! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, MEAT LOAF! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] ["ALL REVVED UP WITH NO PLACE

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] ["ALL REVVED UP WITH NO PLACE TO GO" PLAYS]

["ALL REVVED UP WITH NO PLACE TO GO" PLAYS] ♪ I WAS NOTHING BUT A LONELY

[TO GO" PLAYS] ♪ I WAS NOTHING BUT A LONELY BOY LOOKING FOR SOMETHING NEW ♪

♪ I WAS NOTHING BUT A LONELY BOY LOOKING FOR SOMETHING NEW ♪ ♪ AND YOU WERE NOTHING BUT A

BOY LOOKING FOR SOMETHING NEW ♪ ♪ AND YOU WERE NOTHING BUT A LONELY GIRL ♪

♪ AND YOU WERE NOTHING BUT A LONELY GIRL ♪ ♪ BUT YOU WERE SOMETHING ♪

LONELY GIRL ♪ ♪ BUT YOU WERE SOMETHING ♪ ♪ SOMETHING LIKE A DREAM COME

♪ BUT YOU WERE SOMETHING ♪ ♪ SOMETHING LIKE A DREAM COME TRUE ♪

♪ SOMETHING LIKE A DREAM COME TRUE ♪ ♪ I WAS A VARSITY TACKLE AND A

TRUE ♪ ♪ I WAS A VARSITY TACKLE AND A HELL OF A BLOCK ♪

♪ I WAS A VARSITY TACKLE AND A HELL OF A BLOCK ♪ ♪ WHEN I PLAYED MY GUITAR, I

HELL OF A BLOCK ♪ ♪ WHEN I PLAYED MY GUITAR, I MADE THE CANYON ROCK ♪

♪ WHEN I PLAYED MY GUITAR, I MADE THE CANYON ROCK ♪ ♪ BUT ♪

MADE THE CANYON ROCK ♪ ♪ BUT ♪ ♪ EVERY SATURDAY NIGHT ♪

♪ BUT ♪ ♪ EVERY SATURDAY NIGHT ♪ ♪ I FELT THE FEVER GROW ♪

♪ EVERY SATURDAY NIGHT ♪ ♪ I FELT THE FEVER GROW ♪ ♪ DO YOU KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE? ♪

♪ I FELT THE FEVER GROW ♪ ♪ DO YOU KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE? ♪ ♪ ALL REVVED UP WITH NO PLACE TO

♪ DO YOU KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE? ♪ ♪ ALL REVVED UP WITH NO PLACE TO GO ♪

♪ ALL REVVED UP WITH NO PLACE TO GO ♪ ♪ DO YOU KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE? ♪

GO ♪ ♪ DO YOU KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE? ♪ ♪ ALL REVVED UP WITH NO PLACE TO

♪ DO YOU KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE? ♪ ♪ ALL REVVED UP WITH NO PLACE TO GO ♪

♪ ALL REVVED UP WITH NO PLACE TO GO ♪ ♪ YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH ♪

GO ♪ ♪ YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH ♪ ♪ AND IN THE MIDDLE OF A

♪ YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH ♪ ♪ AND IN THE MIDDLE OF A STEAMING NIGHT ♪

♪ AND IN THE MIDDLE OF A STEAMING NIGHT ♪ ♪ I'M TOSSING IN MY SLEEP ♪

STEAMING NIGHT ♪ ♪ I'M TOSSING IN MY SLEEP ♪ ♪ AND IN THE MIDDLE OF A

♪ I'M TOSSING IN MY SLEEP ♪ ♪ AND IN THE MIDDLE OF A RED-EYED DREAM ♪

♪ AND IN THE MIDDLE OF A RED-EYED DREAM ♪ ♪ I SEE YOU COMIN' ♪

RED-EYED DREAM ♪ ♪ I SEE YOU COMIN' ♪ ♪ COMIN' ON TO GIVE IT TO ME ♪

♪ I SEE YOU COMIN' ♪ ♪ COMIN' ON TO GIVE IT TO ME ♪ ♪ WELL, I WAS OUT ON THE PROWL

♪ COMIN' ON TO GIVE IT TO ME ♪ ♪ WELL, I WAS OUT ON THE PROWL DOWN BY THE EDGE OF THE TRACK ♪

♪ WELL, I WAS OUT ON THE PROWL DOWN BY THE EDGE OF THE TRACK ♪ ♪ LIKE A SON OF A JACKAL, I'M A

DOWN BY THE EDGE OF THE TRACK ♪ ♪ LIKE A SON OF A JACKAL, I'M A LEADER OF THE PACK ♪

♪ LIKE A SON OF A JACKAL, I'M A LEADER OF THE PACK ♪ ♪ BUT ♪

LEADER OF THE PACK ♪ ♪ BUT ♪ ♪ EVERY SATURDAY NIGHT ♪

♪ BUT ♪ ♪ EVERY SATURDAY NIGHT ♪ ♪ I FELT THE FEVER GROW ♪

♪ EVERY SATURDAY NIGHT ♪ ♪ I FELT THE FEVER GROW ♪ ♪ DO YOU KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE? ♪

♪ I FELT THE FEVER GROW ♪ ♪ DO YOU KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE? ♪ ♪ ALL REVVED UP WITH NO PLACE TO

♪ DO YOU KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE? ♪ ♪ ALL REVVED UP WITH NO PLACE TO GO ♪

♪ ALL REVVED UP WITH NO PLACE TO GO ♪ ♪ OH, BABY, I'M A HUNTER IN THE

GO ♪ ♪ OH, BABY, I'M A HUNTER IN THE DARK OF THE FOREST ♪

♪ OH, BABY, I'M A HUNTER IN THE DARK OF THE FOREST ♪ ♪ I'VE BEEN STALKING YOU AND

DARK OF THE FOREST ♪ ♪ I'VE BEEN STALKING YOU AND TRACKING YOU DOWN ♪

♪ I'VE BEEN STALKING YOU AND TRACKING YOU DOWN ♪ ♪ CRUISING UP AND DOWN THE MAIN

TRACKING YOU DOWN ♪ ♪ CRUISING UP AND DOWN THE MAIN DRAG ALL NIGHT LONG ♪

♪ CRUISING UP AND DOWN THE MAIN DRAG ALL NIGHT LONG ♪ ♪ WE COULD BE STANDING AT THE

DRAG ALL NIGHT LONG ♪ ♪ WE COULD BE STANDING AT THE TOP OF THE WORLD ♪

♪ WE COULD BE STANDING AT THE TOP OF THE WORLD ♪ ♪ INSTEAD OF SINKING FURTHER

TOP OF THE WORLD ♪ ♪ INSTEAD OF SINKING FURTHER DOWN IN THE MUD ♪

♪ INSTEAD OF SINKING FURTHER DOWN IN THE MUD ♪ ♪ YOU AND ME 'ROUND ABOUT

DOWN IN THE MUD ♪ ♪ YOU AND ME 'ROUND ABOUT MIDNIGHT ♪

♪ YOU AND ME 'ROUND ABOUT MIDNIGHT ♪ ♪ YOU AND ME 'ROUND ABOUT

MIDNIGHT ♪ ♪ YOU AND ME 'ROUND ABOUT MIDNIGHT ♪

♪ YOU AND ME 'ROUND ABOUT MIDNIGHT ♪ ♪ SOMEONE'S GOT TO DRAW FIRST ♪

MIDNIGHT ♪ ♪ SOMEONE'S GOT TO DRAW FIRST ♪ ♪ DRAW FIRST ♪

♪ SOMEONE'S GOT TO DRAW FIRST ♪ ♪ DRAW FIRST ♪ ♪ SOMEONE'S GOT TO DRAW FIRST

♪ DRAW FIRST ♪ ♪ SOMEONE'S GOT TO DRAW FIRST BLOOD ♪

♪ SOMEONE'S GOT TO DRAW FIRST BLOOD ♪ ♪ SOMEONE'S GOT TO DRAW FIRST

BLOOD ♪ ♪ SOMEONE'S GOT TO DRAW FIRST BLOOD ♪

♪ SOMEONE'S GOT TO DRAW FIRST BLOOD ♪ ♪ OOH, I GOT TO DRAW FIRST

BLOOD ♪ ♪ OOH, I GOT TO DRAW FIRST BLOOD ♪

♪ OOH, I GOT TO DRAW FIRST BLOOD ♪ ♪ YEAH, I GOT TO DRAW FIRST

BLOOD ♪ ♪ YEAH, I GOT TO DRAW FIRST BLOOD ♪

♪ YEAH, I GOT TO DRAW FIRST BLOOD ♪ [GUITAR SOLO]

♪ WELL, I WAS OUT ON THE PROWL DOWN BY THE EDGE OF THE TRACK ♪ ♪ LIKE A SON OF A JACKAL, I'M A

DOWN BY THE EDGE OF THE TRACK ♪ ♪ LIKE A SON OF A JACKAL, I'M A LEADER OF THE PACK ♪

♪ LIKE A SON OF A JACKAL, I'M A LEADER OF THE PACK ♪ ♪ BUT ♪

LEADER OF THE PACK ♪ ♪ BUT ♪ ♪ EVERY SATURDAY NIGHT ♪

♪ BUT ♪ ♪ EVERY SATURDAY NIGHT ♪ ♪ I FELT THE FEVER GROW ♪

♪ EVERY SATURDAY NIGHT ♪ ♪ I FELT THE FEVER GROW ♪ ♪ DO YOU KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE? ♪

♪ I FELT THE FEVER GROW ♪ ♪ DO YOU KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE? ♪ ♪ ALL REVVED UP WITH NO PLACE TO

♪ DO YOU KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE? ♪ ♪ ALL REVVED UP WITH NO PLACE TO GO ♪

♪ ALL REVVED UP WITH NO PLACE TO GO ♪ ♪ DO YOU KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE? ♪

GO ♪ ♪ DO YOU KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE? ♪ ♪ ALL REVVED UP WITH NO PLACE TO

♪ DO YOU KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE? ♪ ♪ ALL REVVED UP WITH NO PLACE TO GO ♪

♪ ALL REVVED UP WITH NO PLACE TO GO ♪ ♪ I WAS NOTHING BUT A LONELY

GO ♪ ♪ I WAS NOTHING BUT A LONELY ALL-AMERICAN BOY ♪

♪ I WAS NOTHING BUT A LONELY ALL-AMERICAN BOY ♪ ♪ LOOKING OUT FOR SOMETHING TO

ALL-AMERICAN BOY ♪ ♪ LOOKING OUT FOR SOMETHING TO DO ♪

♪ LOOKING OUT FOR SOMETHING TO DO ♪ ♪ AND YOU WERE NOTHING BUT A

DO ♪ ♪ AND YOU WERE NOTHING BUT A LONELY ALL-AMERICAN GIRL ♪

♪ AND YOU WERE NOTHING BUT A LONELY ALL-AMERICAN GIRL ♪ ♪ BUT YOU WERE SOMETHING LIKE A

LONELY ALL-AMERICAN GIRL ♪ ♪ BUT YOU WERE SOMETHING LIKE A DREAM COME TRUE ♪

♪ BUT YOU WERE SOMETHING LIKE A DREAM COME TRUE ♪ ♪ I WAS A VARSITY TACKLE AND A

DREAM COME TRUE ♪ ♪ I WAS A VARSITY TACKLE AND A HELL OF A BLOCK ♪

♪ I WAS A VARSITY TACKLE AND A HELL OF A BLOCK ♪ ♪ WHEN I PLAYED MY GUITAR, I

HELL OF A BLOCK ♪ ♪ WHEN I PLAYED MY GUITAR, I MADE THE CANYON ROCK ♪

♪ WHEN I PLAYED MY GUITAR, I MADE THE CANYON ROCK ♪ ♪ BUT EVERY SATURDAY NIGHT ♪

MADE THE CANYON ROCK ♪ ♪ BUT EVERY SATURDAY NIGHT ♪ ♪ I FELT THE FEVER GROW ♪

♪ BUT EVERY SATURDAY NIGHT ♪ ♪ I FELT THE FEVER GROW ♪ ♪ ALL REVVED UP WITH NO PLACE TO

♪ I FELT THE FEVER GROW ♪ ♪ ALL REVVED UP WITH NO PLACE TO GO ♪

♪ ALL REVVED UP WITH NO PLACE TO GO ♪ ♪ ALL REVVED UP WITH NO PLACE

GO ♪ ♪ ALL REVVED UP WITH NO PLACE TO GO ♪

♪ ALL REVVED UP WITH NO PLACE TO GO ♪ ♪ ALL REVVED UP WITH NO PLACE TO

TO GO ♪ ♪ ALL REVVED UP WITH NO PLACE TO GO ♪

♪ ALL REVVED UP WITH NO PLACE TO GO ♪ ♪ ALL REVVED UP WITH NO PLACE TO

GO ♪ ♪ ALL REVVED UP WITH NO PLACE TO GO ♪

♪ ALL REVVED UP WITH NO PLACE TO GO ♪ ♪ ALL REVVED UP WITH NO PLACE

GO ♪ ♪ ALL REVVED UP WITH NO PLACE TO GO! ♪

♪ ALL REVVED UP WITH NO PLACE TO GO! ♪ [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

DAVID BRENNER LOOKS BACK. THIS STORY AND MORE ON "WEEKEND UPDATE"... COMING UP.

Announcer: AND NOW "WEEKEND UPDATE" WITH THE "WEEKEND UPDATE" NEWS TEAM.

"WEEKEND UPDATE" WITH THE "WEEKEND UPDATE" NEWS TEAM. BROUGHT TO YOU BY AQUA VELVEETA,

"WEEKEND UPDATE" NEWS TEAM. BROUGHT TO YOU BY AQUA VELVEETA, THE MAN'S AFTER-CHEESE LOTION.

BROUGHT TO YOU BY AQUA VELVEETA, THE MAN'S AFTER-CHEESE LOTION. AND NOW HERE ARE ANCHORPERSONS

THE MAN'S AFTER-CHEESE LOTION. AND NOW HERE ARE ANCHORPERSONS DAN AYKROYD AND JANE CURTIN.

AND NOW HERE ARE ANCHORPERSONS DAN AYKROYD AND JANE CURTIN. GOOD EVENING.

DAN AYKROYD AND JANE CURTIN. GOOD EVENING. I'M DA NAYKROYD.

GOOD EVENING. I'M DA NAYKROYD. AND I'M JANE CURTIN, AND I'M

I'M DA NAYKROYD. AND I'M JANE CURTIN, AND I'M WEARING A NEW SUIT.

AND I'M JANE CURTIN, AND I'M WEARING A NEW SUIT. OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT...

WEARING A NEW SUIT. OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT... HAMILTON JORDAN WAS BACK IN THE

OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT... HAMILTON JORDAN WAS BACK IN THE NEWS AGAIN THIS WEEK WHEN HE

HAMILTON JORDAN WAS BACK IN THE NEWS AGAIN THIS WEEK WHEN HE TRIED TO LEAVE A WASHINGTON

NEWS AGAIN THIS WEEK WHEN HE TRIED TO LEAVE A WASHINGTON RESTAURANT WITHOUT PAYING HIS

TRIED TO LEAVE A WASHINGTON RESTAURANT WITHOUT PAYING HIS CHECK.

RESTAURANT WITHOUT PAYING HIS CHECK. THE FUN-LOVING WHITE HOUSE AIDE

CHECK. THE FUN-LOVING WHITE HOUSE AIDE EXPLAINED HE HAD FORGOTTEN HIS

THE FUN-LOVING WHITE HOUSE AIDE EXPLAINED HE HAD FORGOTTEN HIS WALLET.

EXPLAINED HE HAD FORGOTTEN HIS WALLET. IN THE MIDDLE EAST, ISRAEL HAS

WALLET. IN THE MIDDLE EAST, ISRAEL HAS BEEN UNDER CRITICISM FOR WHAT

IN THE MIDDLE EAST, ISRAEL HAS BEEN UNDER CRITICISM FOR WHAT SOME PEOPLE CONSIDER AN

BEEN UNDER CRITICISM FOR WHAT SOME PEOPLE CONSIDER AN EXCESSIVE SHOW OF FORCE IN

SOME PEOPLE CONSIDER AN EXCESSIVE SHOW OF FORCE IN LEBANON IN RESPONSE TO LAST

EXCESSIVE SHOW OF FORCE IN LEBANON IN RESPONSE TO LAST WEEK'S P.L.O. TERRORIST ATTACK.

LEBANON IN RESPONSE TO LAST WEEK'S P.L.O. TERRORIST ATTACK. FOREIGN MINISTER MOSHE DAYAN

WEEK'S P.L.O. TERRORIST ATTACK. FOREIGN MINISTER MOSHE DAYAN DEFENDED THE INVASION, CITING

FOREIGN MINISTER MOSHE DAYAN DEFENDED THE INVASION, CITING THAT THE BIBLICAL SHIBBOLETH "AN

DEFENDED THE INVASION, CITING THAT THE BIBLICAL SHIBBOLETH "AN EYE FOR AN EYE, A TOOTH FOR A

THAT THE BIBLICAL SHIBBOLETH "AN EYE FOR AN EYE, A TOOTH FOR A TOOTH" HAS ALWAYS BEEN ISRAEL'S

EYE FOR AN EYE, A TOOTH FOR A TOOTH" HAS ALWAYS BEEN ISRAEL'S POLICY.

TOOTH" HAS ALWAYS BEEN ISRAEL'S POLICY. WELL, LAST NIGHT, A P.L.O.

POLICY. WELL, LAST NIGHT, A P.L.O. TERRORIST TOOK HIM AT HIS WORD

WELL, LAST NIGHT, A P.L.O. TERRORIST TOOK HIM AT HIS WORD AND SNUCK INTO DAYAN'S BEDROOM

TERRORIST TOOK HIM AT HIS WORD AND SNUCK INTO DAYAN'S BEDROOM AND PULLED ONE OF THE FOREIGN

AND SNUCK INTO DAYAN'S BEDROOM AND PULLED ONE OF THE FOREIGN MINISTER'S BICUSPIDS.

AND PULLED ONE OF THE FOREIGN MINISTER'S BICUSPIDS. STATE SENATOR LORI WILSON OF

MINISTER'S BICUSPIDS. STATE SENATOR LORI WILSON OF COCOA BEACH, FLORIDA, HAS

STATE SENATOR LORI WILSON OF COCOA BEACH, FLORIDA, HAS INTRODUCED A BILL OUTLAWING PAY

COCOA BEACH, FLORIDA, HAS INTRODUCED A BILL OUTLAWING PAY TOILETS IN PUBLIC PLACES.

INTRODUCED A BILL OUTLAWING PAY TOILETS IN PUBLIC PLACES. MS. WILSON CALLED THEM THE MOST

TOILETS IN PUBLIC PLACES. MS. WILSON CALLED THEM THE MOST BASIC FORM OF ECONOMIC

MS. WILSON CALLED THEM THE MOST BASIC FORM OF ECONOMIC DISCRIMINATION, WHICH HITS

BASIC FORM OF ECONOMIC DISCRIMINATION, WHICH HITS HARDEST AT WOMEN AND CHILDREN.

DISCRIMINATION, WHICH HITS HARDEST AT WOMEN AND CHILDREN. AS SHE PUTS IT, "I HAVE NEVER

HARDEST AT WOMEN AND CHILDREN. AS SHE PUTS IT, "I HAVE NEVER HEARD OF A PAY URINAL IN THIS

AS SHE PUTS IT, "I HAVE NEVER HEARD OF A PAY URINAL IN THIS OR ANY OTHER STATE."

HEARD OF A PAY URINAL IN THIS OR ANY OTHER STATE." OUR "UPDATE" SOURCES TELL US

OR ANY OTHER STATE." OUR "UPDATE" SOURCES TELL US THAT, WHILE THE INSTALLATION OF

OUR "UPDATE" SOURCES TELL US THAT, WHILE THE INSTALLATION OF PAY URINALS DOESN'T APPEAR

THAT, WHILE THE INSTALLATION OF PAY URINALS DOESN'T APPEAR PLAUSIBLE, MS. WILSON WILL

PAY URINALS DOESN'T APPEAR PLAUSIBLE, MS. WILSON WILL SETTLE FOR A COMPROMISE, CALLING

PLAUSIBLE, MS. WILSON WILL SETTLE FOR A COMPROMISE, CALLING FOR TROUSERS TO BE EQUIPPED WITH

SETTLE FOR A COMPROMISE, CALLING FOR TROUSERS TO BE EQUIPPED WITH PAY ZIPPERS.

FOR TROUSERS TO BE EQUIPPED WITH PAY ZIPPERS. COMEDIAN BILL COSBY, OPERA STAR

PAY ZIPPERS. COMEDIAN BILL COSBY, OPERA STAR BEVERLY SILLS, COUNTRY SINGER

COMEDIAN BILL COSBY, OPERA STAR BEVERLY SILLS, COUNTRY SINGER JOHNNY CASH, AND L.A.

BEVERLY SILLS, COUNTRY SINGER JOHNNY CASH, AND L.A. ANCHORPERSON CONNIE CHUNG GOT

JOHNNY CASH, AND L.A. ANCHORPERSON CONNIE CHUNG GOT TOGETHER THIS WEEK AND FORMED A

ANCHORPERSON CONNIE CHUNG GOT TOGETHER THIS WEEK AND FORMED A NEW SINGING GROUP.

TOGETHER THIS WEEK AND FORMED A NEW SINGING GROUP. HOWEVER, THEY CAN'T THINK OF A

NEW SINGING GROUP. HOWEVER, THEY CAN'T THINK OF A NAME FOR THE ACT.

HOWEVER, THEY CAN'T THINK OF A NAME FOR THE ACT. IF YOU HAVE A SUGGESTION, SEND

NAME FOR THE ACT. IF YOU HAVE A SUGGESTION, SEND IT TO "COSBY, SILLS, CASH, AND

IF YOU HAVE A SUGGESTION, SEND IT TO "COSBY, SILLS, CASH, AND CHUNG, IN CARE OF

IT TO "COSBY, SILLS, CASH, AND CHUNG, IN CARE OF 'WEEKEND UPDATE.'"

CHUNG, IN CARE OF 'WEEKEND UPDATE.'" WELL, NOSTALGIA STILL APPEARS

'WEEKEND UPDATE.'" WELL, NOSTALGIA STILL APPEARS TO BE DOMINATING THE THEATER

WELL, NOSTALGIA STILL APPEARS TO BE DOMINATING THE THEATER THIS SEASON.

TO BE DOMINATING THE THEATER THIS SEASON. THE MOST POPULAR NEW SHOW ON

THIS SEASON. THE MOST POPULAR NEW SHOW ON BROADWAY IS A PRODUCTION CALLED

THE MOST POPULAR NEW SHOW ON BROADWAY IS A PRODUCTION CALLED "BEATLEMANIA MANIA"...

BROADWAY IS A PRODUCTION CALLED "BEATLEMANIA MANIA"... A RECREATION OF THE ORIGINAL

"BEATLEMANIA MANIA"... A RECREATION OF THE ORIGINAL RIP OFF OF THE BEATLES

A RECREATION OF THE ORIGINAL RIP OFF OF THE BEATLES EXPERIENCE.

RIP OFF OF THE BEATLES EXPERIENCE. SAY ITS PRODUCERS, "IT'S NOT

EXPERIENCE. SAY ITS PRODUCERS, "IT'S NOT BEATLEMANIA, BUT AN INCREDIBLE

SAY ITS PRODUCERS, "IT'S NOT BEATLEMANIA, BUT AN INCREDIBLE SIMULATION."

BEATLEMANIA, BUT AN INCREDIBLE SIMULATION." THIS WEEK, A SUPERTANKER BROKE

SIMULATION." THIS WEEK, A SUPERTANKER BROKE UP OFF FRANCE'S BRITTANY COAST

THIS WEEK, A SUPERTANKER BROKE UP OFF FRANCE'S BRITTANY COAST IN WHAT IS NOW THE WORST OIL

UP OFF FRANCE'S BRITTANY COAST IN WHAT IS NOW THE WORST OIL SPILL IN HISTORY, POLLUTING THE

IN WHAT IS NOW THE WORST OIL SPILL IN HISTORY, POLLUTING THE COASTLINE AND KILLING MARINE

SPILL IN HISTORY, POLLUTING THE COASTLINE AND KILLING MARINE LIFE.

COASTLINE AND KILLING MARINE LIFE. OIL SPILLS ARE AN ALMOST REGULAR

LIFE. OIL SPILLS ARE AN ALMOST REGULAR PHENOMENON ON THIS PLANET, SO

OIL SPILLS ARE AN ALMOST REGULAR PHENOMENON ON THIS PLANET, SO HERE WITH AN IN-DEPTH ANALYSIS

PHENOMENON ON THIS PLANET, SO HERE WITH AN IN-DEPTH ANALYSIS OF THE PROBLEM IS "UPDATE'S" OWN

HERE WITH AN IN-DEPTH ANALYSIS OF THE PROBLEM IS "UPDATE'S" OWN KEVIN SCOTT.

OF THE PROBLEM IS "UPDATE'S" OWN KEVIN SCOTT. [IMITATING EXPLOSIONS]

KEVIN SCOTT. [IMITATING EXPLOSIONS] KEVIN SCOTT.

[IMITATING EXPLOSIONS] KEVIN SCOTT. KEVIN?

KEVIN SCOTT. KEVIN? [IMITATING EXPLOSIONS]

KEVIN? [IMITATING EXPLOSIONS] KEVIN.

[IMITATING EXPLOSIONS] KEVIN. JOHN!

KEVIN. JOHN! YEAH, YEAH.

JOHN! YEAH, YEAH. DO YOUR THING.

YEAH, YEAH. DO YOUR THING. OH, RIGHT, YEAH.

DO YOUR THING. OH, RIGHT, YEAH. THANKS, DAN.

OH, RIGHT, YEAH. THANKS, DAN. YOU KNOW, THIS WEEK'S WRECK

THANKS, DAN. YOU KNOW, THIS WEEK'S WRECK ILLUSTRATES PROBLEMS WITH THE

YOU KNOW, THIS WEEK'S WRECK ILLUSTRATES PROBLEMS WITH THE NEW GENERATION OF GIANT TANKERS.

ILLUSTRATES PROBLEMS WITH THE NEW GENERATION OF GIANT TANKERS. FIRST OF ALL, THEY'RE NOT EASILY

NEW GENERATION OF GIANT TANKERS. FIRST OF ALL, THEY'RE NOT EASILY MANEUVERABLE, MAKING IT VERY

FIRST OF ALL, THEY'RE NOT EASILY MANEUVERABLE, MAKING IT VERY DIFFICULT TO STEER, AND A LOT OF

MANEUVERABLE, MAKING IT VERY DIFFICULT TO STEER, AND A LOT OF THEM HAVE PROBLEMS WITH SWAYING

DIFFICULT TO STEER, AND A LOT OF THEM HAVE PROBLEMS WITH SWAYING BACK AND F...

THEM HAVE PROBLEMS WITH SWAYING BACK AND F... I'M SORRY, DAN. I'M SORRY.

BACK AND F... I'M SORRY, DAN. I'M SORRY. WHOOPS, SORRY.

I'M SORRY, DAN. I'M SORRY. WHOOPS, SORRY. SWAYING BACK AND FORTH.

WHOOPS, SORRY. SWAYING BACK AND FORTH. AND THEY HAVE PROBLEMS IN THE

SWAYING BACK AND FORTH. AND THEY HAVE PROBLEMS IN THE STEERING OF THESE.

AND THEY HAVE PROBLEMS IN THE STEERING OF THESE. NOW, IF YOU LOOK AT THESE

STEERING OF THESE. NOW, IF YOU LOOK AT THESE TANKERS, YOU'LL SEE...

NOW, IF YOU LOOK AT THESE TANKERS, YOU'LL SEE... OH, GEEZ, I'M SORRY.

TANKERS, YOU'LL SEE... OH, GEEZ, I'M SORRY. DAN, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?

OH, GEEZ, I'M SORRY. DAN, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT? GOOD MAN.

DAN, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT? GOOD MAN. COME ON, COME HERE.

GOOD MAN. COME ON, COME HERE. UH...

COME ON, COME HERE. UH... [LAUGHS]

UH... [LAUGHS] HEY, OKAY, DAN.

[LAUGHS] HEY, OKAY, DAN. THE SITUATION IS AGGRAVATED IF

HEY, OKAY, DAN. THE SITUATION IS AGGRAVATED IF THE SHIP HAS LOST POWER, YOU

THE SITUATION IS AGGRAVATED IF THE SHIP HAS LOST POWER, YOU UNDERSTAND?

THE SHIP HAS LOST POWER, YOU UNDERSTAND? OKAY, FURTHER... ENORMOUS

UNDERSTAND? OKAY, FURTHER... ENORMOUS LENGTH.

OKAY, FURTHER... ENORMOUS LENGTH. TAKE A LOOK AT THIS.

LENGTH. TAKE A LOOK AT THIS. ENORMOUS LENGTH, YOU KNOW WHAT I

TAKE A LOOK AT THIS. ENORMOUS LENGTH, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

ENORMOUS LENGTH, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? IT'S THE METAL PLATES AT THE

MEAN? IT'S THE METAL PLATES AT THE HULL, YOU KNOW, UNDER GREAT MORE

IT'S THE METAL PLATES AT THE HULL, YOU KNOW, UNDER GREAT MORE PRESSURE IF THE SHIP FLEXES ON

HULL, YOU KNOW, UNDER GREAT MORE PRESSURE IF THE SHIP FLEXES ON THE POUNDING SEAS, BACK AND

PRESSURE IF THE SHIP FLEXES ON THE POUNDING SEAS, BACK AND FORTH.

THE POUNDING SEAS, BACK AND FORTH. YOU KNOW, SO IF YOU'RE AROUND

FORTH. YOU KNOW, SO IF YOU'RE AROUND ONE OF THESE, DAN...

YOU KNOW, SO IF YOU'RE AROUND ONE OF THESE, DAN... [IMITATING EXPLOSIONS]

ONE OF THESE, DAN... [IMITATING EXPLOSIONS] THEY MIGHT BREAK IN HALF.

[IMITATING EXPLOSIONS] THEY MIGHT BREAK IN HALF. YOU NEVER KNOW.

THEY MIGHT BREAK IN HALF. YOU NEVER KNOW. YOU KNOW, IT'S GOOD TO WEAR AN

YOU NEVER KNOW. YOU KNOW, IT'S GOOD TO WEAR AN OLD SUIT 'CAUSE YOU COULD GET...

YOU KNOW, IT'S GOOD TO WEAR AN OLD SUIT 'CAUSE YOU COULD GET... IT COULD GET PRETTY MESSY, HUH,

OLD SUIT 'CAUSE YOU COULD GET... IT COULD GET PRETTY MESSY, HUH, DANNY?

IT COULD GET PRETTY MESSY, HUH, DANNY? HEY, PAL.

DANNY? HEY, PAL. [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

HEY, PAL. [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE] THANK YOU.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE] THANK YOU. THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

THANK YOU. THANK YOU VERY MUCH. BACK TO YOU, JANE.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH. BACK TO YOU, JANE. HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION

BACK TO YOU, JANE. HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION LEON SPINKS THIS WEEK WAS

HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION LEON SPINKS THIS WEEK WAS ARRESTED FOR DRIVING THE WRONG

LEON SPINKS THIS WEEK WAS ARRESTED FOR DRIVING THE WRONG WAY ON A ONE-WAY STREET AND FOR

ARRESTED FOR DRIVING THE WRONG WAY ON A ONE-WAY STREET AND FOR DRIVING WITHOUT A LICENSE, SUED

WAY ON A ONE-WAY STREET AND FOR DRIVING WITHOUT A LICENSE, SUED FOR BACK RENT BY HIS

DRIVING WITHOUT A LICENSE, SUED FOR BACK RENT BY HIS PHILADELPHIA LANDLORD AND

FOR BACK RENT BY HIS PHILADELPHIA LANDLORD AND STRIPPED OF HIS TITLE BY THE

PHILADELPHIA LANDLORD AND STRIPPED OF HIS TITLE BY THE WORLD BOXING COUNCIL.

STRIPPED OF HIS TITLE BY THE WORLD BOXING COUNCIL. REACHED FOR COMMENT, SPINKS

WORLD BOXING COUNCIL. REACHED FOR COMMENT, SPINKS SAID, "AT LEAST I STILL HAVE MY

REACHED FOR COMMENT, SPINKS SAID, "AT LEAST I STILL HAVE MY GOOD LOOKS."

SAID, "AT LEAST I STILL HAVE MY GOOD LOOKS." IN A RELATED STORY, SPINKS SAID

GOOD LOOKS." IN A RELATED STORY, SPINKS SAID HE WOULD FIGHT NORTON SOMETIME

IN A RELATED STORY, SPINKS SAID HE WOULD FIGHT NORTON SOMETIME THIS SUMMER.

HE WOULD FIGHT NORTON SOMETIME THIS SUMMER. [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THIS SUMMER. [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE] THE WRITERS GUILD OF AMERICA

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE] THE WRITERS GUILD OF AMERICA EAST HAS CALLED A STRIKE AGAINST

THE WRITERS GUILD OF AMERICA EAST HAS CALLED A STRIKE AGAINST THE POPULAR CHILDREN'S

EAST HAS CALLED A STRIKE AGAINST THE POPULAR CHILDREN'S EDUCATIONAL PROGRAM

THE POPULAR CHILDREN'S EDUCATIONAL PROGRAM "SESAME STREET."

EDUCATIONAL PROGRAM "SESAME STREET." NOW, FOR OUR YOUNG VIEWERS, DAN

"SESAME STREET." NOW, FOR OUR YOUNG VIEWERS, DAN AND I WOULD LIKE TO EXPLAIN WHAT

NOW, FOR OUR YOUNG VIEWERS, DAN AND I WOULD LIKE TO EXPLAIN WHAT IS MEANT BY A STRIKE.

FIRST, THE COMPLAINT IS

CALLED "UN..."

"FAIR."

Both: "UNFAIR."

AND THE DEMONSTRATION

FOLLOWING THE COMPLAINT IS

CALLED "PIC..."

"KET."

Both: "PICKET."

AND A PERSON WHO CROSSES A

PICKET LINE IS CALLED A "SC..."

"AB."

Both: "SCAB."

NOW, LET'S REVIEW WHAT WE

JUST LEARNED.

PICKET. SCAB. DON'T.

SCAB. DON'T. IT MIGHT GET INFECTED.

DON'T. IT MIGHT GET INFECTED. [LAUGHTER]

IT MIGHT GET INFECTED. [LAUGHTER] THAT'S THE LESSON FOR TONIGHT,

[LAUGHTER] THAT'S THE LESSON FOR TONIGHT, CHILDREN.

THAT'S THE LESSON FOR TONIGHT, CHILDREN. NOW GO TO BED.

CHILDREN. NOW GO TO BED. AND NOW, WITH THIS WEEK'S MOVIE

NOW GO TO BED. AND NOW, WITH THIS WEEK'S MOVIE NEWS, HERE IS THE PARTY ANIMAL

AND NOW, WITH THIS WEEK'S MOVIE NEWS, HERE IS THE PARTY ANIMAL HIMSELF, BILL MURRAY.

NEWS, HERE IS THE PARTY ANIMAL HIMSELF, BILL MURRAY. THANK YOU, JANE.

WELL, THE OSCARS ARE COMING UP

APRIL 3rd, AND HERE ARE MY

PREDICTIONS, EVERYBODY.

FOR BEST ACTRESS,

SHIRLEY MacLAINE AND

ANNE BANCROFT WERE BOTH

NOMINATED FOR

"THE TURNING POINT," AND GIVEN

THE BLOC VOTING THAT GOES ON AT

THE HOLLYWOOD STUDIOS, THEIR

VOTES ARE PROBABLY GONNA BE

SPLIT, AND THESE TWO STARS WILL

HAVE TO GO HOME CRUSHED AND

DEFEATED.

OUCH, HUH?

JANE FONDA?

WELL, JANE IS GONNA WIN NEXT

YEAR, I THINK, FOR

"COMING HOME," SO CHIN UP,

LITTLE GIRL.

SAVE YOU MONEY FOR NEXT YEAR'S

DRESS, HUH?

BUT NO BITTERNESS, JANIE,

PLEASE.

THANK YOU.

MARSHA MASON... MARSHA IS

NEIL SIMON'S WIFE, AND NEIL

WROTE "GOODBYE GIRL" JUST TO GET

HER OUT OF THE HOUSE, I THINK,

AND I DON'T THINK THAT THE

ACADEMY WILL BOTHER TO HONOR THE

SIMONS SO LONG AS THEIR MARRIAGE

IS WORKING.

LET'S FACE IT, IT'S ONE OF THE

MOST SUCCESSFUL MARRIAGES IN

HOLLYWOOD.

HEY, HERE'S TO YOU TWO.

I MEAN IT.

DIANE KEATON?

WELL, EVERYBODY'S BEEN IN LOVE

WITH YOU SINCE "GODFATHER II,"

HONEY, AND NOW WE'VE GOT A

CHANCE TO SHOW YOU HOW WE FEEL.

I THINK YOU'VE GOT IT IN THE

BAG, SO JUST REMEMBER... BE

YOURSELF AND DON'T LET THAT

PRETTY LITTLE HEAD SWELL, OKAY?

ALL RIGHT.

BEST ACTOR... JOHN TRAVOLTA.

TV ACTOR?

UNH-UNH, NO WAY, NO WAY.

IF HE THINK HE'S GONNA HOLD THAT

PRECIOUS PIECE OF GOLD OVER HIS

HEAD AND WAVE TO ALL THE PEOPLE

WHO HELPED... AND THERE WERE SO

MANY PEOPLE... HE'S CRAZY.

IT'LL BE OVER THE DEAD, STIFF,

AND LIFELESS BODIES OF THE

MEMBERS OF THE ACADEMY.

BESIDES, JOHN WAS SCHEDULED TO

DO OUR SHOW AND BACKED OUT,

CANCELED AT THE LAST MINUTE, SO

THIS LITTLE WEASEL CAN GO TO

BRAZIL AND MAKE MOVIES FOR ALL I

CARE.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

WOODY ALLEN?

THE WOOD MAN, SO MUCH MORE THAN

AN ACTOR IT'S NOT EVEN FUNNY.

THAT'S WHY I DON'T THINK HE'S

GONNA GET THIS ONE.

BUT THE ACADEMY MUST HONOR HIM

IN SOME WAY.

AND I THINK IT'S GONNA BE THE

IRVING THALBERG AWARD FOR

MERITORIOUS SERVICE TO THE

INDUSTRY.

AND HE DESERVES IT, TOO.

RICHARD DREYFUSS?

HE'S TOO YOUNG.

THAT'S ALL.

I HEAR HE'S ALSO CARELESS WITH

HIS OWN PERSONAL APPEARANCE, AND

THE ACADEMY DOESN'T LIKE THAT,

EITHER.

NOT THIS YEAR, RICK.

SORRY.

NICE WORK IN "CLOSE," THOUGH.

MASTROIANNI?

HE'S FOREIGN.

PEOPLE DON'T LIKE FOREIGNERS.

CHEVALIER NEVER WON AN OSCAR, AM

I RIGHT?

OKAY.

RICHARD BURTON.

I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE THINKING...

FOREIGNER.

BUT UNH-UNH.

FICKLE ACADEMY THIS YEAR.

I THINK THEY'LL GIVE IT TO DICK

TO MAKE UP FOR LOSING

LIZ TAYLOR.

WHEN HE LOST LIZ, HE LOST

EVERYTHING.

BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS AND

ACTORS...

WHO CARES, REALLY, HUH?

[LAUGHTER]

BEST FILM?

WELL, "JULIA"?

DIDN'T SEE IT, SORRY.

"TURNING POINT"?

I DIDN'T SEE IT.

"STAR WARS"?

I SAW IT ON A SMALL SCREEN IN

CANADA, SO I REALLY DON'T KNOW

WHAT IT WAS LIKE.

"ANNIE HALL"... I DID NOT SEE

IT.

"GOODBYE GIRL"... SAW IT.

SO, ON THE BASIS OF WHAT I WOULD

HAVE SEEN, I WOULD SAY THAT

"GOODBYE GIRL" IS GOING TO BE

THIS YEAR'S WINNER.

TELL IDA I'M SORRY. THAT'S THE WAY I FEEL. I GOT TO GET OUT OF HERE.

THAT'S THE WAY I FEEL. I GOT TO GET OUT OF HERE. LET ME THROW IT BACK TO A FUTURE

I GOT TO GET OUT OF HERE. LET ME THROW IT BACK TO A FUTURE OSCAR WINNER AND A GIRL WHO'S AT

LET ME THROW IT BACK TO A FUTURE OSCAR WINNER AND A GIRL WHO'S AT LEAST HALF A PARTY ANIMAL

OSCAR WINNER AND A GIRL WHO'S AT LEAST HALF A PARTY ANIMAL HERSELF... JANE CURTIN.

LEAST HALF A PARTY ANIMAL HERSELF... JANE CURTIN. GET OUT OF HERE, JANE.

HERSELF... JANE CURTIN. GET OUT OF HERE, JANE. YOU'RE TERRIFIC.

GET OUT OF HERE, JANE. YOU'RE TERRIFIC. THANK YOU, BILL.

YOU'RE TERRIFIC. THANK YOU, BILL. AND NOW IT'S TIME FOR A NEW

THANK YOU, BILL. AND NOW IT'S TIME FOR A NEW "WEEKEND UPDATE" FEATURE.

AND NOW IT'S TIME FOR A NEW "WEEKEND UPDATE" FEATURE. DAN?

"WEEKEND UPDATE" FEATURE. DAN? YES, TONIGHT, WE'LL TREAT THE

DAN? YES, TONIGHT, WE'LL TREAT THE TOPIC OF WHETHER A

YES, TONIGHT, WE'LL TREAT THE TOPIC OF WHETHER A POINT-COUNTERPOINT SEGMENT HAS

TOPIC OF WHETHER A POINT-COUNTERPOINT SEGMENT HAS ANY POINT.

POINT-COUNTERPOINT SEGMENT HAS ANY POINT. HERE'S JANE WITH THE ANTI-POINT

ANY POINT. HERE'S JANE WITH THE ANTI-POINT COUNTERPOINT POINT, AND I'LL BE

HERE'S JANE WITH THE ANTI-POINT COUNTERPOINT POINT, AND I'LL BE TAKING THE PRO POINT

COUNTERPOINT POINT, AND I'LL BE TAKING THE PRO POINT COUNTERPOINT.

TAKING THE PRO POINT COUNTERPOINT. JANE?

COUNTERPOINT. JANE? DAN, THESE

JANE? DAN, THESE POINT-COUNTERPOINTS ARE GETTING

DAN, THESE POINT-COUNTERPOINTS ARE GETTING A LITTLE ABSURD, AND IT'S ALL

POINT-COUNTERPOINTS ARE GETTING A LITTLE ABSURD, AND IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT.

A LITTLE ABSURD, AND IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT. IT SEEMS THAT NO MATTER WHAT I

YOUR FAULT. IT SEEMS THAT NO MATTER WHAT I SAY, YOU'LL DISAGREE WITH ME.

IT SEEMS THAT NO MATTER WHAT I SAY, YOU'LL DISAGREE WITH ME. IF I CAME OUT FOR THE

SAY, YOU'LL DISAGREE WITH ME. IF I CAME OUT FOR THE IMPRISONMENT FOR MURDERS, YOU'D

IF I CAME OUT FOR THE IMPRISONMENT FOR MURDERS, YOU'D SAY, "NO, LET 'EM GO."

IMPRISONMENT FOR MURDERS, YOU'D SAY, "NO, LET 'EM GO." YOU'RE A POMPOUS ASS, DAN...

SAY, "NO, LET 'EM GO." YOU'RE A POMPOUS ASS, DAN... OBNOXIOUS, ARROGANT, AND SNOTTY.

YOU'RE A POMPOUS ASS, DAN... OBNOXIOUS, ARROGANT, AND SNOTTY. I DON'T LIKE YOU, AND I NEVER

OBNOXIOUS, ARROGANT, AND SNOTTY. I DON'T LIKE YOU, AND I NEVER WILL, SO SIT ON THIS, DAN.

I DON'T LIKE YOU, AND I NEVER WILL, SO SIT ON THIS, DAN. I HOPE I MADE MY POINT.

WILL, SO SIT ON THIS, DAN. I HOPE I MADE MY POINT. JANE, YOU IGNORANT SLUT.

I HOPE I MADE MY POINT. JANE, YOU IGNORANT SLUT. I DON'T AUTOMATICALLY DISAGREE

JANE, YOU IGNORANT SLUT. I DON'T AUTOMATICALLY DISAGREE WITH YOU.

I DON'T AUTOMATICALLY DISAGREE WITH YOU. IT'S JUST THAT YOU ALWAYS

WITH YOU. IT'S JUST THAT YOU ALWAYS TAKE THE ASININE SIDE OF ANY

IT'S JUST THAT YOU ALWAYS TAKE THE ASININE SIDE OF ANY ISSUE.

TAKE THE ASININE SIDE OF ANY ISSUE. AS FOR MURDERERS, JANE, THEY

ISSUE. AS FOR MURDERERS, JANE, THEY SHOULDN'T BE LOCKED UP.

AS FOR MURDERERS, JANE, THEY SHOULDN'T BE LOCKED UP. THEY SHOULD BE KILLED.

SHOULDN'T BE LOCKED UP. THEY SHOULD BE KILLED. ANYONE WHO SAYS OTHERWISE SIMPLY

THEY SHOULD BE KILLED. ANYONE WHO SAYS OTHERWISE SIMPLY HAS A GERANIUM IN THE CRANIUM.

ANYONE WHO SAYS OTHERWISE SIMPLY HAS A GERANIUM IN THE CRANIUM. AS FOR YOUR ASSESSMENT OF ME,

HAS A GERANIUM IN THE CRANIUM. AS FOR YOUR ASSESSMENT OF ME, JANE, FRANKLY, I'M SURPRISED.

AS FOR YOUR ASSESSMENT OF ME, JANE, FRANKLY, I'M SURPRISED. POINT-COUNTERPOINT IS SUPPOSED

JANE, FRANKLY, I'M SURPRISED. POINT-COUNTERPOINT IS SUPPOSED TO BE A FORUM FOR THE EXCHANGE

POINT-COUNTERPOINT IS SUPPOSED TO BE A FORUM FOR THE EXCHANGE OF IDEAS, NOT AN EXERCISE IN

TO BE A FORUM FOR THE EXCHANGE OF IDEAS, NOT AN EXERCISE IN CHARACTER ASSASSINATION.

OF IDEAS, NOT AN EXERCISE IN CHARACTER ASSASSINATION. WHO DID YOU SLEEP WITH TO GET

CHARACTER ASSASSINATION. WHO DID YOU SLEEP WITH TO GET THIS JOB, ANYWAY?

WHO DID YOU SLEEP WITH TO GET THIS JOB, ANYWAY? [LAUGHTER]

THIS JOB, ANYWAY? [LAUGHTER] THAT'S THE NEWS.

[LAUGHTER] THAT'S THE NEWS. GOOD NIGHT AND HAVE A PLEASANT

THAT'S THE NEWS. GOOD NIGHT AND HAVE A PLEASANT TOMORROW.

GOOD NIGHT AND HAVE A PLEASANT TOMORROW. Announcer: "WEEKEND UPDATE"

TOMORROW. Announcer: "WEEKEND UPDATE" IS A PRESENTATION OF SATURDAY

Announcer: "WEEKEND UPDATE" IS A PRESENTATION OF SATURDAY NIGHT NEWS... KEEPING AMERICA

IS A PRESENTATION OF SATURDAY NIGHT NEWS... KEEPING AMERICA INFORMED FOR OVER 1/50 OF A

NIGHT NEWS... KEEPING AMERICA INFORMED FOR OVER 1/50 OF A CENTURY.

YOUR FATHER AND I WILL GET YOU ANOTHER DOG RIGHT AWAY, HONEY.

YOU ANOTHER DOG RIGHT AWAY, HONEY. WE PROMISE.

HONEY. WE PROMISE. [High-pitched voice] I

WE PROMISE. [High-pitched voice] I DON'T WANT ANOTHER DOG.

[High-pitched voice] I DON'T WANT ANOTHER DOG. I WANT TIPPY.

DON'T WANT ANOTHER DOG. I WANT TIPPY. WHY DID TIPPY HAVE TO DIE?

I WANT TIPPY. WHY DID TIPPY HAVE TO DIE? HONEY, DOGS DIE JUST LIKE

WHY DID TIPPY HAVE TO DIE? HONEY, DOGS DIE JUST LIKE PEOPLE DO, JUST LIKE WHEN

HONEY, DOGS DIE JUST LIKE PEOPLE DO, JUST LIKE WHEN GRANDPA DIED.

PEOPLE DO, JUST LIKE WHEN GRANDPA DIED. YOU MEAN GRANDPA ALSO

GRANDPA DIED. YOU MEAN GRANDPA ALSO SWALLOWED A DOORKNOB?

YOU MEAN GRANDPA ALSO SWALLOWED A DOORKNOB? WELL, NO, NOT...

SWALLOWED A DOORKNOB? WELL, NO, NOT... NO, BUT DON'T WORRY, HONEY.

WELL, NO, NOT... NO, BUT DON'T WORRY, HONEY. TOMORROW WE'LL PICK OUT A NEW

NO, BUT DON'T WORRY, HONEY. TOMORROW WE'LL PICK OUT A NEW DOG.

TOMORROW WE'LL PICK OUT A NEW DOG. CAN I NAME HIM "TIPPY"?

DOG. CAN I NAME HIM "TIPPY"? OF COURSE YOU CAN.

CAN I NAME HIM "TIPPY"? OF COURSE YOU CAN. WELL...

OF COURSE YOU CAN. WELL... GOOD.

WELL... GOOD. NOW CLOSE YOUR EYES AND GET A

GOOD. NOW CLOSE YOUR EYES AND GET A GOOD NIGHT'S SLEEP, AND I'LL SEE

NOW CLOSE YOUR EYES AND GET A GOOD NIGHT'S SLEEP, AND I'LL SEE YOU TOMORROW.

GOOD NIGHT'S SLEEP, AND I'LL SEE YOU TOMORROW. GOOD NIGHT, MOM.

NOW I LAY ME DOWN TO SLEEP. I PRAY THE LORD MY SOUL TO KEEP. IF I SHOULD DIE BEFORE I WAKE,

I PRAY THE LORD MY SOUL TO KEEP. IF I SHOULD DIE BEFORE I WAKE, I PRAY THE LORD MY SOUL TO TAKE.

IF I SHOULD DIE BEFORE I WAKE, I PRAY THE LORD MY SOUL TO TAKE. GOD BLESS MOMMY AND DADDY AND MY

I PRAY THE LORD MY SOUL TO TAKE. GOD BLESS MOMMY AND DADDY AND MY BEST FRIEND KAREN AND MY DEAD

GOD BLESS MOMMY AND DADDY AND MY BEST FRIEND KAREN AND MY DEAD DOG TIPPY.

BEST FRIEND KAREN AND MY DEAD DOG TIPPY. AMEN.

DOG TIPPY. AMEN. THAT'S VERY NICE, PENNY.

AMEN. THAT'S VERY NICE, PENNY. [Chuckling] HEY, WHO ARE

THAT'S VERY NICE, PENNY. [Chuckling] HEY, WHO ARE YOU?

[Chuckling] HEY, WHO ARE YOU? WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY ROOM?

YOU? WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY ROOM? I'M SORRY ABOUT TIPPY, AND I

WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY ROOM? I'M SORRY ABOUT TIPPY, AND I CAME TO APOLOGIZE.

I'M SORRY ABOUT TIPPY, AND I CAME TO APOLOGIZE. ARE THE MAN WHO MADE TIPPY

CAME TO APOLOGIZE. ARE THE MAN WHO MADE TIPPY DIE?

ARE THE MAN WHO MADE TIPPY DIE? WELL, SORT OF.

DIE? WELL, SORT OF. TIPPY WAS ON MY LIST.

WELL, SORT OF. TIPPY WAS ON MY LIST. WHAT LIST?

TIPPY WAS ON MY LIST. WHAT LIST? WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

WHAT LIST? WHAT DO YOU MEAN? OH, PLEASE, DON'T GET TOO

WHAT DO YOU MEAN? OH, PLEASE, DON'T GET TOO ANGRY AT ME.

OH, PLEASE, DON'T GET TOO ANGRY AT ME. EVERY DAY I'M GIVEN THE LIST OF

ANGRY AT ME. EVERY DAY I'M GIVEN THE LIST OF LIVES THAT HAVE TO END.

EVERY DAY I'M GIVEN THE LIST OF LIVES THAT HAVE TO END. IT'S NOT THE GREATEST JOB IN THE

LIVES THAT HAVE TO END. IT'S NOT THE GREATEST JOB IN THE WORLD, BUT IT'S A LIVING.

IT'S NOT THE GREATEST JOB IN THE WORLD, BUT IT'S A LIVING. BUT YOU KILLED TIPPY!

WORLD, BUT IT'S A LIVING. BUT YOU KILLED TIPPY! AND THAT'S BAD!

BUT YOU KILLED TIPPY! AND THAT'S BAD! 'CAUSE IN SUNDAY SCHOOL, WE

AND THAT'S BAD! 'CAUSE IN SUNDAY SCHOOL, WE LEARNED THE 10 COMMANDMENTS...

'CAUSE IN SUNDAY SCHOOL, WE LEARNED THE 10 COMMANDMENTS... THOU SHALT NOT KILL, THOU SHALT

LEARNED THE 10 COMMANDMENTS... THOU SHALT NOT KILL, THOU SHALT NOT STEAL, THOU SHALT NOT COVER

THOU SHALT NOT KILL, THOU SHALT NOT STEAL, THOU SHALT NOT COVER UP THY NEIGHBOR'S WIFE, THOU

NOT STEAL, THOU SHALT NOT COVER UP THY NEIGHBOR'S WIFE, THOU SHALT NOT WITNESS FALSE BEARS,

UP THY NEIGHBOR'S WIFE, THOU SHALT NOT WITNESS FALSE BEARS, THOU SHALT NOT...

SHALT NOT WITNESS FALSE BEARS, THOU SHALT NOT... YES, YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY

THOU SHALT NOT... YES, YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT, PENNY.

YES, YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT, PENNY. YOU ARE RIGHT.

RIGHT, PENNY. YOU ARE RIGHT. YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO KILL, AND,

YOU ARE RIGHT. YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO KILL, AND, WELL, I-I DON'T KILL.

YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO KILL, AND, WELL, I-I DON'T KILL. WHAT DO YOU DO?

WELL, I-I DON'T KILL. WHAT DO YOU DO? WELL, WHEN YOU ARE BORN,

WHAT DO YOU DO? WELL, WHEN YOU ARE BORN, MR. LIFE IS THERE.

WELL, WHEN YOU ARE BORN, MR. LIFE IS THERE. AND WHEN YOU DIE, MR. DEATH

MR. LIFE IS THERE. AND WHEN YOU DIE, MR. DEATH TAKES OVER.

AND WHEN YOU DIE, MR. DEATH TAKES OVER. YOU'RE MEAN, MR. DEATH.

TAKES OVER. YOU'RE MEAN, MR. DEATH. YOU MAKE PEOPLE CRY.

YOU'RE MEAN, MR. DEATH. YOU MAKE PEOPLE CRY. WELL, I CAN'T HELP THAT,

YOU MAKE PEOPLE CRY. WELL, I CAN'T HELP THAT, PENNY.

WELL, I CAN'T HELP THAT, PENNY. I'M... INEVITABLE.

PENNY. I'M... INEVITABLE. EVERYTHING HAS TO DIE.

I'M... INEVITABLE. EVERYTHING HAS TO DIE. PEOPLE... ANIMALS... FLOWERS.

EVERYTHING HAS TO DIE. PEOPLE... ANIMALS... FLOWERS. WHAT ABOUT ROCKS?

PEOPLE... ANIMALS... FLOWERS. WHAT ABOUT ROCKS? ROCKS WERE NEVER ALIVE, SO

WHAT ABOUT ROCKS? ROCKS WERE NEVER ALIVE, SO THEY CAN'T DIE.

ROCKS WERE NEVER ALIVE, SO THEY CAN'T DIE. WHAT ABOUT DOLLS?

THEY CAN'T DIE. WHAT ABOUT DOLLS? SAME THING.

WHAT ABOUT DOLLS? SAME THING. ONCE, TIPPY ATE OFF ONE OF MY

SAME THING. ONCE, TIPPY ATE OFF ONE OF MY DOLL'S HEADS, AND I YELLED AT

ONCE, TIPPY ATE OFF ONE OF MY DOLL'S HEADS, AND I YELLED AT HIM, AND I HIT HIM WITH THE

DOLL'S HEADS, AND I YELLED AT HIM, AND I HIT HIM WITH THE NEWSPAPER, AND HE HID UNDER THE

HIM, AND I HIT HIM WITH THE NEWSPAPER, AND HE HID UNDER THE COUCH, AND NOW I'M SORRY, AND I

NEWSPAPER, AND HE HID UNDER THE COUCH, AND NOW I'M SORRY, AND I CAN'T TELL HIM.

COUCH, AND NOW I'M SORRY, AND I CAN'T TELL HIM. 'CAUSE HE'S NOT HERE ANYMORE.

CAN'T TELL HIM. 'CAUSE HE'S NOT HERE ANYMORE. AND I HATE YOU!

'CAUSE HE'S NOT HERE ANYMORE. AND I HATE YOU! WHY DON'T YOU TAKE

AND I HATE YOU! WHY DON'T YOU TAKE KENNY TUCKMAN?

WHY DON'T YOU TAKE KENNY TUCKMAN? HE SITS BEHIND ME IN SCHOOL AND

KENNY TUCKMAN? HE SITS BEHIND ME IN SCHOOL AND POKES ME.

HE SITS BEHIND ME IN SCHOOL AND POKES ME. TUCKMAN?

POKES ME. TUCKMAN? TUCKMAN.

TUCKMAN? TUCKMAN. NO, I DON'T SEE HIM ON MY LIST

TUCKMAN. NO, I DON'T SEE HIM ON MY LIST FOR QUITE A WHILE.

NO, I DON'T SEE HIM ON MY LIST FOR QUITE A WHILE. I WISH THAT RICHARD HARRIS AND

FOR QUITE A WHILE. I WISH THAT RICHARD HARRIS AND NICK NOLTE WERE ON IT.

I WISH THAT RICHARD HARRIS AND NICK NOLTE WERE ON IT. CAN I SEE THAT?

NICK NOLTE WERE ON IT. CAN I SEE THAT? OH, NO, NO, NO.

CAN I SEE THAT? OH, NO, NO, NO. NO, PENNY, THAT'S VERY PRIVATE.

OH, NO, NO, NO. NO, PENNY, THAT'S VERY PRIVATE. I'LL BET YOU KILLED A MILLION

NO, PENNY, THAT'S VERY PRIVATE. I'LL BET YOU KILLED A MILLION THOUSAND SKILLION TRILLION

I'LL BET YOU KILLED A MILLION THOUSAND SKILLION TRILLION PEOPLE.

THOUSAND SKILLION TRILLION PEOPLE. WELL, I DON'T KNOW IF

PEOPLE. WELL, I DON'T KNOW IF "KILLED" IS THE RIGHT WORD.

WELL, I DON'T KNOW IF "KILLED" IS THE RIGHT WORD. BUT I HAVE GOT A BIG LIST.

"KILLED" IS THE RIGHT WORD. BUT I HAVE GOT A BIG LIST. MY GRANDPA?

BUT I HAVE GOT A BIG LIST. MY GRANDPA? YES.

MY GRANDPA? YES. SENATOR HUMPHREY?

YES. SENATOR HUMPHREY? YES.

SENATOR HUMPHREY? YES. JESUS?

YES. JESUS? NO, THE ROMANS DID THAT.

JESUS? NO, THE ROMANS DID THAT. DID YOU COME HERE TO GET ME?

NO, THE ROMANS DID THAT. DID YOU COME HERE TO GET ME? NO.

DID YOU COME HERE TO GET ME? NO. ONCE, I HAD A BABY CHICK...

NO. ONCE, I HAD A BABY CHICK... DIED.

ONCE, I HAD A BABY CHICK... DIED. LAST SUMMER, I CAUGHT A FROG...

DIED. LAST SUMMER, I CAUGHT A FROG... DIED.

LAST SUMMER, I CAUGHT A FROG... DIED. THEN I HAD A HAMSTER... DIED.

DIED. THEN I HAD A HAMSTER... DIED. GOLDFISH... DIED.

THEN I HAD A HAMSTER... DIED. GOLDFISH... DIED. TURTLE... DIED.

GOLDFISH... DIED. TURTLE... DIED. SO I HATE SMALL ANIMALS!

TURTLE... DIED. SO I HATE SMALL ANIMALS! YOU CAN'T BLAME ME FOR THAT.

SO I HATE SMALL ANIMALS! YOU CAN'T BLAME ME FOR THAT. THAT'S TERRIBLE!

YOU CAN'T BLAME ME FOR THAT. THAT'S TERRIBLE! I TOLD YOU, I JUST CAME HERE

THAT'S TERRIBLE! I TOLD YOU, I JUST CAME HERE TO APOLOGIZE ABOUT TIPPY.

I TOLD YOU, I JUST CAME HERE TO APOLOGIZE ABOUT TIPPY. IT'S THE FIRST TIME I'VE EVER

TO APOLOGIZE ABOUT TIPPY. IT'S THE FIRST TIME I'VE EVER APOLOGIZED TO ANYONE.

IT'S THE FIRST TIME I'VE EVER APOLOGIZED TO ANYONE. I'M... I'M NOT USED TO THIS.

APOLOGIZED TO ANYONE. I'M... I'M NOT USED TO THIS. DON'T MAKE IT ANY HARDER FOR ME,

I'M... I'M NOT USED TO THIS. DON'T MAKE IT ANY HARDER FOR ME, PLEASE.

DON'T MAKE IT ANY HARDER FOR ME, PLEASE. DO YOU MIND IF I HAVE A DRINK?

PLEASE. DO YOU MIND IF I HAVE A DRINK? YOU'RE DRINKING WHISKEY!

DO YOU MIND IF I HAVE A DRINK? YOU'RE DRINKING WHISKEY! AREN'T YOU?

YOU'RE DRINKING WHISKEY! AREN'T YOU? YOU KNOW, WHEN MY DAD DOES THAT,

AREN'T YOU? YOU KNOW, WHEN MY DAD DOES THAT, SOMETIMES HE FEELS SO BAD IN THE

YOU KNOW, WHEN MY DAD DOES THAT, SOMETIMES HE FEELS SO BAD IN THE MORNING HE CAN'T EVEN GO TO

SOMETIMES HE FEELS SO BAD IN THE MORNING HE CAN'T EVEN GO TO WORK.

MORNING HE CAN'T EVEN GO TO WORK. WELL, I WISH I DIDN'T HAVE TO

WORK. WELL, I WISH I DIDN'T HAVE TO GO TO WORK.

WELL, I WISH I DIDN'T HAVE TO GO TO WORK. YOU THINK I LIKE MAKING LITTLE

GO TO WORK. YOU THINK I LIKE MAKING LITTLE GIRLS LIKE YOU CRY?

YOU THINK I LIKE MAKING LITTLE GIRLS LIKE YOU CRY? OH, MR. DEATH...

GIRLS LIKE YOU CRY? OH, MR. DEATH... I WANTED TO BE MOTHER NATURE.

OH, MR. DEATH... I WANTED TO BE MOTHER NATURE. DIDN'T WORK OUT.

I WANTED TO BE MOTHER NATURE. DIDN'T WORK OUT. I COULDN'T TELL BUTTER FROM

DIDN'T WORK OUT. I COULDN'T TELL BUTTER FROM MARGARINE.

I COULDN'T TELL BUTTER FROM MARGARINE. SO I WENT INTO THIS FIELD, AND

MARGARINE. SO I WENT INTO THIS FIELD, AND I'M QUITE SUCCESSFUL AT IT.

SO I WENT INTO THIS FIELD, AND I'M QUITE SUCCESSFUL AT IT. BUT ALL THE RECOGNITION DOESN'T

I'M QUITE SUCCESSFUL AT IT. BUT ALL THE RECOGNITION DOESN'T HELP AT ALL.

BUT ALL THE RECOGNITION DOESN'T HELP AT ALL. POETS, NOVELISTS, PLAYWRIGHTS,

HELP AT ALL. POETS, NOVELISTS, PLAYWRIGHTS, PHILOSOPHERS... THEY'VE ALL

POETS, NOVELISTS, PLAYWRIGHTS, PHILOSOPHERS... THEY'VE ALL WRITTEN ABOUT ME.

PHILOSOPHERS... THEY'VE ALL WRITTEN ABOUT ME. INGMAR BERGMAN MAKES MOVIES I'LL

WRITTEN ABOUT ME. INGMAR BERGMAN MAKES MOVIES I'LL NEVER UNDERSTAND.

INGMAR BERGMAN MAKES MOVIES I'LL NEVER UNDERSTAND. WHY DON'T THEY JUST ACCEPT ME

NEVER UNDERSTAND. WHY DON'T THEY JUST ACCEPT ME FOR WHAT I AM.

WHY DON'T THEY JUST ACCEPT ME FOR WHAT I AM. I'M JUST A MAN...

FOR WHAT I AM. I'M JUST A MAN... WITH A JOB TO DO.

I'M JUST A MAN... WITH A JOB TO DO. SOMEONE HAS TO DO IT.

WITH A JOB TO DO. SOMEONE HAS TO DO IT. WELL, I'M OFF.

SOMEONE HAS TO DO IT. WELL, I'M OFF. WHERE ARE YOU GOING NOW,

WELL, I'M OFF. WHERE ARE YOU GOING NOW, MR. DEATH?

WHERE ARE YOU GOING NOW, MR. DEATH? I'M GOING TO LEBANON.

MR. DEATH? I'M GOING TO LEBANON. I HAVE SOME MOPPING UP TO DO

I'M GOING TO LEBANON. I HAVE SOME MOPPING UP TO DO THERE.

I HAVE SOME MOPPING UP TO DO THERE. WELL, ARE YOU REALLY SORRY

THERE. WELL, ARE YOU REALLY SORRY ABOUT TIPPY?

WELL, ARE YOU REALLY SORRY ABOUT TIPPY? YES, I AM.

ABOUT TIPPY? YES, I AM. WELL, I GUESS I FORGIVE YOU.

YES, I AM. WELL, I GUESS I FORGIVE YOU. THANK YOU, PENNY.

WELL, I GUESS I FORGIVE YOU. THANK YOU, PENNY. MR. DEATH, WILL I EVER SEE

THANK YOU, PENNY. MR. DEATH, WILL I EVER SEE TIPPY AGAIN?

MR. DEATH, WILL I EVER SEE TIPPY AGAIN? SOMEDAY.

TIPPY AGAIN? SOMEDAY. SOMEDAY I'LL TAKE YOU TO HIM,

SOMEDAY. SOMEDAY I'LL TAKE YOU TO HIM, BUT THAT WON'T BE FOR A LONG

SOMEDAY I'LL TAKE YOU TO HIM, BUT THAT WON'T BE FOR A LONG TIME.

BUT THAT WON'T BE FOR A LONG TIME. WHEN?

TIME. WHEN? I'LL COME AND VISIT YOU ON

WHEN? I'LL COME AND VISIT YOU ON YOUR 15th BIRTHDAY!

I'LL COME AND VISIT YOU ON YOUR 15th BIRTHDAY! WHAT?

YOUR 15th BIRTHDAY! WHAT? OH, JUST KIDDING.

WHAT? OH, JUST KIDDING. PENNY, YOU...

OH, JUST KIDDING. PENNY, YOU... YOU BETTER GET TO BED.

PENNY, YOU... YOU BETTER GET TO BED. OKAY.

YOU BETTER GET TO BED. OKAY. MR. DEATH, I'M SORRY I GOT MAD

OKAY. MR. DEATH, I'M SORRY I GOT MAD AT YOU.

MR. DEATH, I'M SORRY I GOT MAD AT YOU. I KNOW YOU HAVE A HARD JOB.

AT YOU. I KNOW YOU HAVE A HARD JOB. IT'S NOT EASY, BUT RIGHT NOW,

I KNOW YOU HAVE A HARD JOB. IT'S NOT EASY, BUT RIGHT NOW, YOU HAVE A JOB TO DO, YOUNG

IT'S NOT EASY, BUT RIGHT NOW, YOU HAVE A JOB TO DO, YOUNG LADY.

YOU HAVE A JOB TO DO, YOUNG LADY. AND THAT'S TO GO TO SLEEP.

LADY. AND THAT'S TO GO TO SLEEP. OKAY.

AND THAT'S TO GO TO SLEEP. OKAY. MR. DEATH?

OKAY. MR. DEATH? CAN YOU KISS ME GOOD NIGHT?

MR. DEATH? CAN YOU KISS ME GOOD NIGHT? PENNY.

CAN YOU KISS ME GOOD NIGHT? PENNY. YEAH?

PENNY. YEAH? DON'T PRESS YOUR LUCK.

WELL, NOW WHAT?

REALLY.

WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?

I HAVE GONE MORE THAN HALFWAY.

JUST FOUR MONTHS AGO, I UNDERTOOK MY PEACE INITIATIVE. I WENT TO ISRAEL, AND WHAT

UNDERTOOK MY PEACE INITIATIVE. I WENT TO ISRAEL, AND WHAT HAPPENED?

I WENT TO ISRAEL, AND WHAT HAPPENED? THE ISRAELIS WENT TO LEBANON.

HAPPENED? THE ISRAELIS WENT TO LEBANON. REALLY.

THE ISRAELIS WENT TO LEBANON. REALLY. I MADE DEMANDS FOR THE

REALLY. I MADE DEMANDS FOR THE PALESTINIANS, AND NOW THE P.L.O.

I MADE DEMANDS FOR THE PALESTINIANS, AND NOW THE P.L.O. WANTS TO KILL ME.

PALESTINIANS, AND NOW THE P.L.O. WANTS TO KILL ME. REALLY.

WANTS TO KILL ME. REALLY. I TRIED TO PULL A NICE LITTLE

REALLY. I TRIED TO PULL A NICE LITTLE COMMANDO RAID AT NICOSIA, LIKE

I TRIED TO PULL A NICE LITTLE COMMANDO RAID AT NICOSIA, LIKE THE ISRAELIS AT ENTEBBE, AND

COMMANDO RAID AT NICOSIA, LIKE THE ISRAELIS AT ENTEBBE, AND THOSE CYPRIOT DWARVES BOTCHED

THE ISRAELIS AT ENTEBBE, AND THOSE CYPRIOT DWARVES BOTCHED IT UP.

THOSE CYPRIOT DWARVES BOTCHED IT UP. AND THEN I GET IN TROUBLE FOR

IT UP. AND THEN I GET IN TROUBLE FOR CALLING THEM DWARVES.

AND THEN I GET IN TROUBLE FOR CALLING THEM DWARVES. BUT THEY ARE.

CALLING THEM DWARVES. BUT THEY ARE. LAST YEAR, I WAS TIME MAGAZINE'S

BUT THEY ARE. LAST YEAR, I WAS TIME MAGAZINE'S MAN OF THE YEAR.

LAST YEAR, I WAS TIME MAGAZINE'S MAN OF THE YEAR. THIS YEAR, I'LL BE LUCKY TO MAKE

MAN OF THE YEAR. THIS YEAR, I'LL BE LUCKY TO MAKE IT THROUGH THE YEAR.

THIS YEAR, I'LL BE LUCKY TO MAKE IT THROUGH THE YEAR. REALLY.

IT THROUGH THE YEAR. REALLY. I REALLY WANTED A PEACE THAT

REALLY. I REALLY WANTED A PEACE THAT WOULD EMBRACE ALL ARAB NATIONS,

I REALLY WANTED A PEACE THAT WOULD EMBRACE ALL ARAB NATIONS, YOU KNOW?

WOULD EMBRACE ALL ARAB NATIONS, YOU KNOW? AND NOW I AM ALONE IN THE

YOU KNOW? AND NOW I AM ALONE IN THE MIDDLE.

AND NOW I AM ALONE IN THE MIDDLE. AND JUST WHEN I WAS BEGINNING

MIDDLE. AND JUST WHEN I WAS BEGINNING GETTING TO KNOW BEGGAN, HE MIGHT

AND JUST WHEN I WAS BEGINNING GETTING TO KNOW BEGGAN, HE MIGHT LOSE HIS JOB.

GETTING TO KNOW BEGGAN, HE MIGHT LOSE HIS JOB. SO NOW WHAT DO I DO?

LOSE HIS JOB. SO NOW WHAT DO I DO? DO I PURSUE A SEPARATE PEACE AND

SO NOW WHAT DO I DO? DO I PURSUE A SEPARATE PEACE AND ALIENATE MY ARAB NEIGHBORS...

DO I PURSUE A SEPARATE PEACE AND ALIENATE MY ARAB NEIGHBORS... AND MAYBE MY SAUDI BANKROLL?

ALIENATE MY ARAB NEIGHBORS... AND MAYBE MY SAUDI BANKROLL? OR DO I JOIN THE ARAB STATES IN

AND MAYBE MY SAUDI BANKROLL? OR DO I JOIN THE ARAB STATES IN A WAR THAT EGYPT IS NOT PREPARED

OR DO I JOIN THE ARAB STATES IN A WAR THAT EGYPT IS NOT PREPARED TO FIGHT?

A WAR THAT EGYPT IS NOT PREPARED TO FIGHT? OR SHOULD I JUST RESIGN?

TO FIGHT? OR SHOULD I JUST RESIGN? I DON'T KNOW.

OR SHOULD I JUST RESIGN? I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T KNOW, REALLY.

BUT IF YOU DO, PLEASE SEND

SUGGESTIONS TO...

IF YOU'VE GOT ANY IDEA AT ALL,

ANYTHING, SEND IT.

AND HURRY, PLEASE!

IF YOU GET AN IDEA, ANYTHING,

PLEASE!

AND NOW THIS WEEK'S FILM BY GARY WIES. BEWARE... IT'S NOT FOR THE

GARY WIES. BEWARE... IT'S NOT FOR THE SQUEAMISH.

[INTRO TO FOREIGNER'S "COLD AS ICE" PLAYS]

♪ YOU'RE AS COLD AS ICE ♪ ♪ YOU'RE WILLING TO SACRIFICE OUR LOVE ♪

♪ YOU NEVER TAKE ADVICE ♪ ♪ SOMEDAY YOU'LL PAY THE PRICE, I KNOW ♪

♪ SOMEDAY YOU'LL PAY THE PRICE, I KNOW ♪ ♪ I'VE SEEN IT BEFORE ♪

I KNOW ♪ ♪ I'VE SEEN IT BEFORE ♪ ♪ IT HAPPENS ALL THE TIME ♪

♪ I'VE SEEN IT BEFORE ♪ ♪ IT HAPPENS ALL THE TIME ♪ ♪ YOU'RE CLOSING THE DOOR ♪

♪ IT HAPPENS ALL THE TIME ♪ ♪ YOU'RE CLOSING THE DOOR ♪ ♪ YOU LEAVE THE WORLD BEHIND ♪

♪ YOU'RE CLOSING THE DOOR ♪ ♪ YOU LEAVE THE WORLD BEHIND ♪ ♪ YOU'RE DIGGING FOR GOLD ♪

♪ YOU LEAVE THE WORLD BEHIND ♪ ♪ YOU'RE DIGGING FOR GOLD ♪ ♪ YET THROWING AWAY ♪

♪ YOU'RE DIGGING FOR GOLD ♪ ♪ YET THROWING AWAY ♪ ♪ A FORTUNE IN FEELINGS ♪

♪ YET THROWING AWAY ♪ ♪ A FORTUNE IN FEELINGS ♪ ♪ BUT SOMEDAY YOU'LL PAY! ♪

♪ YOU'RE AS COLD AS ICE ♪ ♪ YOU'RE WILLING TO SACRIFICE OUR LOVE ♪

♪ YOU'RE WILLING TO SACRIFICE OUR LOVE ♪ ♪ YOU WANT PARADISE ♪

OUR LOVE ♪ ♪ YOU WANT PARADISE ♪ ♪ BUT SOMEDAY YOU'LL PAY THE

♪ YOU WANT PARADISE ♪ ♪ BUT SOMEDAY YOU'LL PAY THE PRICE, I KNOW ♪

♪ BUT SOMEDAY YOU'LL PAY THE PRICE, I KNOW ♪ ♪ I'VE SEEN IT BEFORE ♪

PRICE, I KNOW ♪ ♪ I'VE SEEN IT BEFORE ♪ ♪ IT HAPPENS ALL THE TIME ♪

♪ I'VE SEEN IT BEFORE ♪ ♪ IT HAPPENS ALL THE TIME ♪ ♪ YOU'RE CLOSING THE DOOR ♪

♪ IT HAPPENS ALL THE TIME ♪ ♪ YOU'RE CLOSING THE DOOR ♪ ♪ YOU LEAVE THE WORLD BEHIND ♪

♪ YOU'RE CLOSING THE DOOR ♪ ♪ YOU LEAVE THE WORLD BEHIND ♪ ♪ YOU'RE DIGGING FOR GOLD ♪

♪ YOU LEAVE THE WORLD BEHIND ♪ ♪ YOU'RE DIGGING FOR GOLD ♪ ♪ YET THROWING AWAY ♪

♪ YOU'RE DIGGING FOR GOLD ♪ ♪ YET THROWING AWAY ♪ ♪ A FORTUNE IN FEELINGS ♪

♪ YET THROWING AWAY ♪ ♪ A FORTUNE IN FEELINGS ♪ ♪ BUT SOMEDAY YOU'LL PAY! ♪

♪ A FORTUNE IN FEELINGS ♪ ♪ BUT SOMEDAY YOU'LL PAY! ♪ [GUITAR SOLO]

♪ OOH ♪ ♪ OOH ♪ ♪ COLD AS ICE ♪

♪ OOH ♪ ♪ COLD AS ICE ♪ ♪ YOU KNOW THAT YOU ARE! ♪

♪ COLD AS ICE ♪ ♪ YOU KNOW THAT YOU ARE! ♪ ♪ COLD AS ICE ♪

♪ YOU KNOW THAT YOU ARE! ♪ ♪ COLD AS ICE ♪ ♪ AS COLD AS ICE TO ME! ♪

♪ COLD AS ICE ♪ ♪ AS COLD AS ICE TO ME! ♪ ♪ COLD AS ICE ♪

♪ OOH ♪ ♪ OOH ♪ ♪ OOH ♪

♪ OOH ♪ ♪ OOH ♪ ♪ YOU'RE AS COLD AS I-I-I-CE ♪

♪ OOH ♪ ♪ YOU'RE AS COLD AS I-I-I-CE ♪ ♪ YOU'RE AS COLD AS ICE ♪

♪ YOU'RE AS COLD AS I-I-I-CE ♪ ♪ YOU'RE AS COLD AS ICE ♪ ♪ COLD AS ICE, I KNOW ♪

♪ YOU'RE AS COLD AS ICE ♪ ♪ COLD AS ICE, I KNOW ♪ ♪ YOU'RE AS COLD AS ICE ♪

♪ COLD AS ICE, I KNOW ♪ ♪ YOU'RE AS COLD AS ICE ♪ ♪ YES, I KNOW ♪

♪ YOU'RE AS COLD AS ICE ♪ ♪ YES, I KNOW ♪ ♪ YOU'RE AS COLD AS ICE ♪

♪ YES, I KNOW ♪ ♪ YOU'RE AS COLD AS ICE ♪ ♪ YOU'RE AS COLD AS ICE ♪

♪ YOU'RE AS COLD AS ICE ♪ ♪ YOU'RE AS COLD AS ICE ♪ ♪ COLD AS ICE, I KNOW ♪

♪ YOU'RE AS COLD AS ICE ♪ ♪ COLD AS ICE, I KNOW ♪ ♪ YOU'RE AS COLD AS ICE ♪

♪ COLD AS ICE, I KNOW ♪ ♪ YOU'RE AS COLD AS ICE ♪ ♪ OH, YES, I KNOW ♪

♪ YOU'RE AS COLD AS ICE ♪ ♪ OH, YES, I KNOW ♪ ♪ YOU'RE AS COLD AS ICE ♪

♪ OH, YES, I KNOW ♪ ♪ YOU'RE AS COLD AS ICE ♪ ♪ YOU'RE AS COLD AS ICE! ♪

♪ YOU'RE AS COLD AS ICE ♪ ♪ YOU'RE AS COLD AS ICE! ♪ ♪ COLD AS ICE, I KNOW! ♪

♪ YOU'RE AS COLD AS ICE! ♪ ♪ COLD AS ICE, I KNOW! ♪ ♪ YOU'RE AS COLD AS ICE ♪

♪ COLD AS ICE, I KNOW! ♪ ♪ YOU'RE AS COLD AS ICE ♪ ♪ OH, YES, I KNOW ♪

HI, FOLKS, I'M DEL STATOR. YOU KNOW, EVERYBODY KNOWS WHERE TO GO FOR BEEF, CHICKEN, OR FISH

YOU KNOW, EVERYBODY KNOWS WHERE TO GO FOR BEEF, CHICKEN, OR FISH DINNERS, BUT WHERE DO YOU TAKE

TO GO FOR BEEF, CHICKEN, OR FISH DINNERS, BUT WHERE DO YOU TAKE YOUR FAMILY FOR A REASONABLY

DINNERS, BUT WHERE DO YOU TAKE YOUR FAMILY FOR A REASONABLY PRICED MEAL OF HOT RABBIT?

YOUR FAMILY FOR A REASONABLY PRICED MEAL OF HOT RABBIT? WELL, FOLKS, THERE'S ONLY ONE

PRICED MEAL OF HOT RABBIT? WELL, FOLKS, THERE'S ONLY ONE PLACE IN AMERICA...

WELL, FOLKS, THERE'S ONLY ONE PLACE IN AMERICA... DEL STATOR'S RABBIT HUTS.

PLACE IN AMERICA... DEL STATOR'S RABBIT HUTS. WHEN YOU AND YOUR FAMILY COME TO

DEL STATOR'S RABBIT HUTS. WHEN YOU AND YOUR FAMILY COME TO A DEL STATOR'S RABBIT HUT, THE

WHEN YOU AND YOUR FAMILY COME TO A DEL STATOR'S RABBIT HUT, THE FIRST THING YOU DO IS PICK YOUR

A DEL STATOR'S RABBIT HUT, THE FIRST THING YOU DO IS PICK YOUR MEAL FROM THOUSANDS OF

FIRST THING YOU DO IS PICK YOUR MEAL FROM THOUSANDS OF U.S.-GOVERNMENT-INSPECTED

MEAL FROM THOUSANDS OF U.S.-GOVERNMENT-INSPECTED GRADE- "A" RABBITS BRED HOURLY

U.S.-GOVERNMENT-INSPECTED GRADE- "A" RABBITS BRED HOURLY RIGHT ON THE PREMISES.

GRADE- "A" RABBITS BRED HOURLY RIGHT ON THE PREMISES. HI, THERE, FOLKS.

RIGHT ON THE PREMISES. HI, THERE, FOLKS. WHICH ONES DO YOU WANT TO EAT?

HI, THERE, FOLKS. WHICH ONES DO YOU WANT TO EAT? WELL, I'M A HUNGRY DAD.

WHICH ONES DO YOU WANT TO EAT? WELL, I'M A HUNGRY DAD. I'LL HAVE THAT BIG BROWN ONE

WELL, I'M A HUNGRY DAD. I'LL HAVE THAT BIG BROWN ONE WITH THE WHITE FEET.

I'LL HAVE THAT BIG BROWN ONE WITH THE WHITE FEET. I THINK I'LL GO FOR THAT

WITH THE WHITE FEET. I THINK I'LL GO FOR THAT WHITE ONE!

I THINK I'LL GO FOR THAT WHITE ONE! I'LL TAKE THAT LITTLE ONE.

WHITE ONE! I'LL TAKE THAT LITTLE ONE. [Laughing] ALL RIGHT,

I'LL TAKE THAT LITTLE ONE. [Laughing] ALL RIGHT, FOLKS.

[Laughing] ALL RIGHT, FOLKS. JUST HELP YOURSELF TO A

FOLKS. JUST HELP YOURSELF TO A COMPLIMENTARY SALAD FROM THE

JUST HELP YOURSELF TO A COMPLIMENTARY SALAD FROM THE DEL STATOR'S CABBAGE PATCH SALAD

COMPLIMENTARY SALAD FROM THE DEL STATOR'S CABBAGE PATCH SALAD BAR, WHILE YOUR RABBIT IS

DEL STATOR'S CABBAGE PATCH SALAD BAR, WHILE YOUR RABBIT IS SKINNED, GUTTED, THEN SENT

BAR, WHILE YOUR RABBIT IS SKINNED, GUTTED, THEN SENT THROUGH THE DEL STATOR'S

SKINNED, GUTTED, THEN SENT THROUGH THE DEL STATOR'S PATENTED RABBIT ROTO-BROILER.

THROUGH THE DEL STATOR'S PATENTED RABBIT ROTO-BROILER. EVERY RABBIT COMES OUT CRISPY

PATENTED RABBIT ROTO-BROILER. EVERY RABBIT COMES OUT CRISPY BROWN ON THE OUTSIDE AND JUICY

EVERY RABBIT COMES OUT CRISPY BROWN ON THE OUTSIDE AND JUICY DELICIOUS ON THE INSIDE... JUST

BROWN ON THE OUTSIDE AND JUICY DELICIOUS ON THE INSIDE... JUST THE WAY YOU LIKE 'EM.

DELICIOUS ON THE INSIDE... JUST THE WAY YOU LIKE 'EM. HOW'S THAT RABBIT, FOLKS?

THE WAY YOU LIKE 'EM. HOW'S THAT RABBIT, FOLKS? MMM, DELICIOUS.

HOW'S THAT RABBIT, FOLKS? MMM, DELICIOUS. [CHUCKLES]

MMM, DELICIOUS. [CHUCKLES] GREAT RABBIT.

[CHUCKLES] GREAT RABBIT. AH, COME ON, THERE, JUNIOR.

GREAT RABBIT. AH, COME ON, THERE, JUNIOR. TAKE A BITE.

AH, COME ON, THERE, JUNIOR. TAKE A BITE. MMM, THIS IS BETTER THAN

TAKE A BITE. MMM, THIS IS BETTER THAN CHICKEN!

MMM, THIS IS BETTER THAN CHICKEN! [LAUGHS]

CHICKEN! [LAUGHS] YEAH, YOU BET IT IS.

[LAUGHS] YEAH, YOU BET IT IS. AND FOR EVERY YOUNGSTER UNDER

YEAH, YOU BET IT IS. AND FOR EVERY YOUNGSTER UNDER THE AGE OF 13, THERE'S A PAIR OF

AND FOR EVERY YOUNGSTER UNDER THE AGE OF 13, THERE'S A PAIR OF LUCKY RABBITS' FEET.

THE AGE OF 13, THERE'S A PAIR OF LUCKY RABBITS' FEET. HERE YOU GO, SON.

LUCKY RABBITS' FEET. HERE YOU GO, SON. WE GOT PLENTY OF THEM.

HERE YOU GO, SON. WE GOT PLENTY OF THEM. I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET THE STATOR

WE GOT PLENTY OF THEM. I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET THE STATOR GIRLS.

I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET THE STATOR GIRLS. COME ON IN, GIRLS.

GIRLS. COME ON IN, GIRLS. Both: ♪ HOP ON DOWN TO THE

COME ON IN, GIRLS. Both: ♪ HOP ON DOWN TO THE RABBIT HUT ♪

Both: ♪ HOP ON DOWN TO THE RABBIT HUT ♪ ♪ WE'LL TURN YOU INTO A RABBIT

RABBIT HUT ♪ ♪ WE'LL TURN YOU INTO A RABBIT NUT ♪

♪ WE'LL TURN YOU INTO A RABBIT NUT ♪ ♪ AT DEL STATOR'S ♪

NUT ♪ ♪ AT DEL STATOR'S ♪ ♪ DEL STATOR'S ♪

♪ AT DEL STATOR'S ♪ ♪ DEL STATOR'S ♪ ♪ DEL STATOR'S RABBIT HUT ♪

♪ DEL STATOR'S ♪ ♪ DEL STATOR'S RABBIT HUT ♪ HOP ON DOWN TO A DEL STATOR'S

♪ DEL STATOR'S RABBIT HUT ♪ HOP ON DOWN TO A DEL STATOR'S RABBIT HUT NEAR YOU.

HOP ON DOWN TO A DEL STATOR'S RABBIT HUT NEAR YOU. WE'D LIKE TO SEE YOU.

RABBIT HUT NEAR YOU. WE'D LIKE TO SEE YOU. Both: ♪ AT DEL STATOR'S ♪

WE'D LIKE TO SEE YOU. Both: ♪ AT DEL STATOR'S ♪ ♪ DEL STATOR'S ♪

Both: ♪ AT DEL STATOR'S ♪ ♪ DEL STATOR'S ♪ ♪ DEL STATOR'S RABBIT HU-U-U-T ♪

Announcer: TAKE ADVANTAGE OF

DEL STATOR'S EASTER SPECIAL...

GET A GIANT BUNNY BUCKET,

COLESLAW, AND GRECIAN BREAD

THIS WEEK FOR ONLY $4.99.

[THUNDER CRASHES]

[German accent] IF SHE'S NOT HERE SOON, I'M AFRAID IT WILL BE TOO LATE, CARL.

NOT HERE SOON, I'M AFRAID IT WILL BE TOO LATE, CARL. THE SUN WILL BE UP IN A FEW

WILL BE TOO LATE, CARL. THE SUN WILL BE UP IN A FEW HOURS, AND WE WILL HAVE MISSED

THE SUN WILL BE UP IN A FEW HOURS, AND WE WILL HAVE MISSED OUR LAST CHANCE TO PUT AN END TO

HOURS, AND WE WILL HAVE MISSED OUR LAST CHANCE TO PUT AN END TO IT.

OUR LAST CHANCE TO PUT AN END TO IT. I THINK I HEAR SOMEONE

IT. I THINK I HEAR SOMEONE APPROACHING NOW, IF I'M NOT

I THINK I HEAR SOMEONE APPROACHING NOW, IF I'M NOT MISTAKEN.

APPROACHING NOW, IF I'M NOT MISTAKEN. [GASPS]

MISTAKEN. [GASPS] THANK GOD YOU ARE HERE.

[GASPS] THANK GOD YOU ARE HERE. I WAS AFRAID SOMETHING HAD

THANK GOD YOU ARE HERE. I WAS AFRAID SOMETHING HAD HAPPENED TO YOU.

I WAS AFRAID SOMETHING HAD HAPPENED TO YOU. WE HAVE ONLY A FEW HOURS UNTIL

HAPPENED TO YOU. WE HAVE ONLY A FEW HOURS UNTIL DAYBREAK.

WE HAVE ONLY A FEW HOURS UNTIL DAYBREAK. ARE YOU SURE WE'RE DOING THE

DAYBREAK. ARE YOU SURE WE'RE DOING THE RIGHT THING, DOCTOR?

ARE YOU SURE WE'RE DOING THE RIGHT THING, DOCTOR? I DON'T KNOW IF I CAN DO IT.

RIGHT THING, DOCTOR? I DON'T KNOW IF I CAN DO IT. YOU MUST DO IT, MAUREEN.

I DON'T KNOW IF I CAN DO IT. YOU MUST DO IT, MAUREEN. YOU ARE OUR ONLY HOPE.

YOU MUST DO IT, MAUREEN. YOU ARE OUR ONLY HOPE. HE'LL OPEN THE GATES FOR YOU.

YOU ARE OUR ONLY HOPE. HE'LL OPEN THE GATES FOR YOU. YOU KNOW HE WILL.

HE'LL OPEN THE GATES FOR YOU. YOU KNOW HE WILL. ONCE WE ARE IN THE MANSION,

YOU KNOW HE WILL. ONCE WE ARE IN THE MANSION, CARL AND I WILL TAKE CARE OF

ONCE WE ARE IN THE MANSION, CARL AND I WILL TAKE CARE OF EVERYTHING.

CARL AND I WILL TAKE CARE OF EVERYTHING. ARE YOU GOING TO HAVE TO USE

EVERYTHING. ARE YOU GOING TO HAVE TO USE THAT?

ARE YOU GOING TO HAVE TO USE THAT? IT'S THE ONLY WAY!

THAT? IT'S THE ONLY WAY! A WOODEN STAKE IS THE ONLY WAY

IT'S THE ONLY WAY! A WOODEN STAKE IS THE ONLY WAY TO KEEP HIM FROM HAUNTING US

A WOODEN STAKE IS THE ONLY WAY TO KEEP HIM FROM HAUNTING US FOREVER.

TO KEEP HIM FROM HAUNTING US FOREVER. IT MUST BE DONE.

FOREVER. IT MUST BE DONE. I'M SCARED!

IT MUST BE DONE. I'M SCARED! NOW, REMEMBER... YOU HAVE

I'M SCARED! NOW, REMEMBER... YOU HAVE NOTHING TO FEAR AS LONG AS HE

NOW, REMEMBER... YOU HAVE NOTHING TO FEAR AS LONG AS HE DOESN'T TOUCH YOU, BUT BE

NOTHING TO FEAR AS LONG AS HE DOESN'T TOUCH YOU, BUT BE CAREFUL.

DOESN'T TOUCH YOU, BUT BE CAREFUL. REMEMBER... HE IS TRICKY.

CAREFUL. REMEMBER... HE IS TRICKY. [THUNDER CRASHES]

[MUMBLES]

I THINK I'LL READ IT OVER ONE MORE TIME. IT'S GOING OFF TO THE PUBLISHERS

MORE TIME. IT'S GOING OFF TO THE PUBLISHERS TOMORROW MORNING.

IT'S GOING OFF TO THE PUBLISHERS TOMORROW MORNING. THIS'LL BE MY LAST CHANCE.

TOMORROW MORNING. THIS'LL BE MY LAST CHANCE. "'MEMOIRS' BY RICHARD NIXON.

THIS'LL BE MY LAST CHANCE. "'MEMOIRS' BY RICHARD NIXON. $19.95"

"'MEMOIRS' BY RICHARD NIXON. $19.95" "CHAPTER ONE... I WAS BORN IN

$19.95" "CHAPTER ONE... I WAS BORN IN THE HOUSE MY FATHER BUILT..."

"CHAPTER ONE... I WAS BORN IN THE HOUSE MY FATHER BUILT..." [INTERCOM BUZZES]

YES? Mr. President? I-I DON'T RECALL THE VOICE.

Mr. President? I-I DON'T RECALL THE VOICE. Mr. President, it's

I-I DON'T RECALL THE VOICE. Mr. President, it's Maureen Dean.

Mr. President, it's Maureen Dean. I was wondering if I could talk

Maureen Dean. I was wondering if I could talk to you.

I was wondering if I could talk to you. UH, MAUREEN.

To you. UH, MAUREEN. WHAT A SURPRISE.

UH, MAUREEN. WHAT A SURPRISE. ARE YOU ALONE?

WHAT A SURPRISE. ARE YOU ALONE? Uh, yes, I am, Mr. President.

ARE YOU ALONE? Uh, yes, I am, Mr. President. UH, WELL, COME ON IN.

Uh, yes, I am, Mr. President. UH, WELL, COME ON IN. I'LL PUT ON SOME JAVA.

♪ LOOK AT ME ♪ ♪ I'M AS HELPLESS AS THE KITTEN UP A TREE ♪

♪ I'M AS HELPLESS AS THE KITTEN UP A TREE ♪ ♪ AND I FEEL LIKE... ♪

UP A TREE ♪ ♪ AND I FEEL LIKE... ♪ ♪ AS A KITTEN UP A TREE ♪

♪ AND I FEEL LIKE... ♪ ♪ AS A KITTEN UP A TREE ♪ ♪ I... ♪

♪ AS A KITTEN UP A TREE ♪ ♪ I... ♪ NO, NO!

♪ I... ♪ NO, NO! NO, NO MORE!

NO, NO! NO, NO MORE! [SHOUTS INDISTINCTLY]

NO, NO MORE! [SHOUTS INDISTINCTLY] PAT, HELP!

[SHOUTS INDISTINCTLY] PAT, HELP! HELP!

PAT, HELP! HELP! I HATE THAT SONG.

HELP! I HATE THAT SONG. YOU KNOW WHAT WE ARE HERE

I HATE THAT SONG. YOU KNOW WHAT WE ARE HERE FOR?

YOU KNOW WHAT WE ARE HERE FOR? WE HAVE COME TO PUT THE SOUL OF

FOR? WE HAVE COME TO PUT THE SOUL OF WATERGATE TO REST.

WE HAVE COME TO PUT THE SOUL OF WATERGATE TO REST. IT HAS HAUNTED US LONG ENOUGH.

WATERGATE TO REST. IT HAS HAUNTED US LONG ENOUGH. IT MUST BE DONE WITH, ONCE AND

IT HAS HAUNTED US LONG ENOUGH. IT MUST BE DONE WITH, ONCE AND FOR ALL.

IT MUST BE DONE WITH, ONCE AND FOR ALL. I'VE GOT IT!

FOR ALL. I'VE GOT IT! THIS IS IT!

I'VE GOT IT! THIS IS IT! GIVE IT BACK TO ME, MAUREEN.

THIS IS IT! GIVE IT BACK TO ME, MAUREEN. IT'S MINE.

GIVE IT BACK TO ME, MAUREEN. IT'S MINE. DON'T WORRY, MAUREEN.

IT'S MINE. DON'T WORRY, MAUREEN. THIS MIRROR WILL KEEP HIM AT

DON'T WORRY, MAUREEN. THIS MIRROR WILL KEEP HIM AT BAY.

THIS MIRROR WILL KEEP HIM AT BAY. HE HATES TO SEE HIS OWN

BAY. HE HATES TO SEE HIS OWN REFLECTION.

HE HATES TO SEE HIS OWN REFLECTION. HAVEN'T YOU POLLUTED AMERICA

REFLECTION. HAVEN'T YOU POLLUTED AMERICA ENOUGH?

HAVEN'T YOU POLLUTED AMERICA ENOUGH? HAVEN'T YOU PROFITED ENOUGH FROM

ENOUGH? HAVEN'T YOU PROFITED ENOUGH FROM YOUR MISTAKES?

HAVEN'T YOU PROFITED ENOUGH FROM YOUR MISTAKES? GIVE IT BACK TO ME, MOLE.

YOUR MISTAKES? GIVE IT BACK TO ME, MOLE. I'LL MAKE IT UP TO YOU.

GIVE IT BACK TO ME, MOLE. I'LL MAKE IT UP TO YOU. DON'T LISTEN TO HIM, MAUREEN.

I'LL MAKE IT UP TO YOU. DON'T LISTEN TO HIM, MAUREEN. QUICK, CARL!

DON'T LISTEN TO HIM, MAUREEN. QUICK, CARL! CARL, UNWRAP THE PICTURE!

QUICK, CARL! CARL, UNWRAP THE PICTURE! UNWRAP IT!

CARL, UNWRAP THE PICTURE! UNWRAP IT! OH, I FORGOT IT OUTSIDE.

UNWRAP IT! OH, I FORGOT IT OUTSIDE. I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

OH, I FORGOT IT OUTSIDE. I'LL BE RIGHT BACK. DON'T... DON'T YOU REMEMBER WHAT

I'LL BE RIGHT BACK. DON'T... DON'T YOU REMEMBER WHAT A SWELL TIME WE HAD AT THE STATE

DON'T... DON'T YOU REMEMBER WHAT A SWELL TIME WE HAD AT THE STATE DINNER FOR THE SHAH?

A SWELL TIME WE HAD AT THE STATE DINNER FOR THE SHAH? DON'T LOOK AT HIM.

DINNER FOR THE SHAH? DON'T LOOK AT HIM. MY MEMOIRS ARE THE FOUNDATION

DON'T LOOK AT HIM. MY MEMOIRS ARE THE FOUNDATION FOR MY COMEBACK.

MY MEMOIRS ARE THE FOUNDATION FOR MY COMEBACK. THERE'LL BE A PLACE FOR YOU IN

FOR MY COMEBACK. THERE'LL BE A PLACE FOR YOU IN MY ADMINISTRATION, MAUREEN.

THERE'LL BE A PLACE FOR YOU IN MY ADMINISTRATION, MAUREEN. DON'T LOOK AT HIM IN THE

MY ADMINISTRATION, MAUREEN. DON'T LOOK AT HIM IN THE EYES.

DON'T LOOK AT HIM IN THE EYES. THEY'RE SHIFTY.

EYES. THEY'RE SHIFTY. MY NEW ADMINISTRATION...

THEY'RE SHIFTY. MY NEW ADMINISTRATION... THERE MAY EVEN BE A PLACE FOR

MY NEW ADMINISTRATION... THERE MAY EVEN BE A PLACE FOR YOU ON THE TICKET.

THERE MAY EVEN BE A PLACE FOR YOU ON THE TICKET. NIXON AND DEAN... I LIKE THAT.

YOU ON THE TICKET. NIXON AND DEAN... I LIKE THAT. DON'T LISTEN TO HIM, MAUREEN.

NIXON AND DEAN... I LIKE THAT. DON'T LISTEN TO HIM, MAUREEN. REMEMBER WHAT HE DID TO AGNEW.

DON'T LISTEN TO HIM, MAUREEN. REMEMBER WHAT HE DID TO AGNEW. YOU KNOW, THE VICE PRESIDENT

REMEMBER WHAT HE DID TO AGNEW. YOU KNOW, THE VICE PRESIDENT GETS HIS OWN MANSION NOW.

YOU KNOW, THE VICE PRESIDENT GETS HIS OWN MANSION NOW. YOU COULD DECORATE IT ANY WAY

GETS HIS OWN MANSION NOW. YOU COULD DECORATE IT ANY WAY YOU WANTED.

YOU COULD DECORATE IT ANY WAY YOU WANTED. DON'T LOOK AT HIM, MAUREEN!

YOU WANTED. DON'T LOOK AT HIM, MAUREEN! TRY TO THINK OF SOMETHING ELSE.

DON'T LOOK AT HIM, MAUREEN! TRY TO THINK OF SOMETHING ELSE. THINK OF ALL THOSE PARTIES,

TRY TO THINK OF SOMETHING ELSE. THINK OF ALL THOSE PARTIES, ALL THOSE PEOPLE TELLING YOU HOW

THINK OF ALL THOSE PARTIES, ALL THOSE PEOPLE TELLING YOU HOW PRETTY YOU LOOK.

ALL THOSE PEOPLE TELLING YOU HOW PRETTY YOU LOOK. [SCREAMS]

PRETTY YOU LOOK. [SCREAMS] [SNARLING]

[SCREAMS] [SNARLING] ARE YOU SURE YOU'VE GOT TO GO

[SNARLING] ARE YOU SURE YOU'VE GOT TO GO THROUGH WITH IT?

ARE YOU SURE YOU'VE GOT TO GO THROUGH WITH IT? MAYBE HE'S CHANGED!

THROUGH WITH IT? MAYBE HE'S CHANGED! IF WE DON'T PUT AN END TO IT

MAYBE HE'S CHANGED! IF WE DON'T PUT AN END TO IT NOW, IT WILL ONLY BE A MATTER OF

IF WE DON'T PUT AN END TO IT NOW, IT WILL ONLY BE A MATTER OF WEEKS BEFORE IT SPREADS TO

NOW, IT WILL ONLY BE A MATTER OF WEEKS BEFORE IT SPREADS TO LIBRARIES AND BOOKSTORES IN

WEEKS BEFORE IT SPREADS TO LIBRARIES AND BOOKSTORES IN EVERY CITY, TOWN, AND MALL IN

LIBRARIES AND BOOKSTORES IN EVERY CITY, TOWN, AND MALL IN AMERICA.

EVERY CITY, TOWN, AND MALL IN AMERICA. THE STENCH OF SAN CLEMENTE WILL

AMERICA. THE STENCH OF SAN CLEMENTE WILL SEEP INTO COMMUTER TRAINS, BUS

THE STENCH OF SAN CLEMENTE WILL SEEP INTO COMMUTER TRAINS, BUS STATIONS, AND BOOKMOBILES.

SEEP INTO COMMUTER TRAINS, BUS STATIONS, AND BOOKMOBILES. THE COUNTRY WILL REEK AS NEVER

STATIONS, AND BOOKMOBILES. THE COUNTRY WILL REEK AS NEVER BEFORE OVER THIS FOUL AFFAIR

THE COUNTRY WILL REEK AS NEVER BEFORE OVER THIS FOUL AFFAIR THAT CONTINUES TO DECOMPOSE BUT

BEFORE OVER THIS FOUL AFFAIR THAT CONTINUES TO DECOMPOSE BUT REFUSES TO DIE!

THAT CONTINUES TO DECOMPOSE BUT REFUSES TO DIE! WE CAN'T PERMIT THE UNDEAD TO GO

REFUSES TO DIE! WE CAN'T PERMIT THE UNDEAD TO GO ON HAUNTING US.

WE CAN'T PERMIT THE UNDEAD TO GO ON HAUNTING US. WE MUST PUT THE SOUL OF

ON HAUNTING US. WE MUST PUT THE SOUL OF WATERGATE TO REST... NOW!

WE MUST PUT THE SOUL OF WATERGATE TO REST... NOW! [HISSING]

WATERGATE TO REST... NOW! [HISSING] LOOK.

[HISSING] LOOK. SEE HOW... HOW PEACEFUL HE

LOOK. SEE HOW... HOW PEACEFUL HE LOOKS.

SEE HOW... HOW PEACEFUL HE LOOKS. HE HASN'T LOOKED THAT

LOOKS. HE HASN'T LOOKED THAT PEACEFUL SINCE THE PARDON.

HE HASN'T LOOKED THAT PEACEFUL SINCE THE PARDON. WELL, WE MUST BURN IT NOW.

PEACEFUL SINCE THE PARDON. WELL, WE MUST BURN IT NOW. OUR WORK IS NEARLY OVER.

WELL, WE MUST BURN IT NOW. OUR WORK IS NEARLY OVER. COME.

"'MEMOIRS'..." [KEYS CLACKING] "BY RICHARD NIXON."

[KEYS CLACKING] "BY RICHARD NIXON." [KEYS CLACKING]

"BY RICHARD NIXON." [KEYS CLACKING] [BELL DINGS]

[KEYS CLACKING] [BELL DINGS] "$19.95.

[BELL DINGS] "$19.95. CHAPTER ONE..."

"$19.95. CHAPTER ONE..." [KEYS CLACKING]

CHAPTER ONE..." [KEYS CLACKING] "I WAS BORN...

[KEYS CLACKING] "I WAS BORN... IN THE HOUSE..."

"I WAS BORN... IN THE HOUSE..." [THUNDER CRASHES]

IN THE HOUSE..." [THUNDER CRASHES] "MY FATHER BUILT..."

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, RICHARD BELZER. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

RICHARD BELZER. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] THANK YOU.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] THANK YOU. THANK YOU.

THANK YOU. THANK YOU. THANK YOU.

THANK YOU. THANK YOU. THANK YOU.

THANK YOU. THANK YOU. YOU'RE WAY TOO KIND.

THANK YOU. YOU'RE WAY TOO KIND. THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

YOU'RE WAY TOO KIND. THANK YOU VERY MUCH. I WAS JUST BACKSTAGE WITH

THANK YOU VERY MUCH. I WAS JUST BACKSTAGE WITH MEAT LOAF'S ROAD PEOPLE, THE

I WAS JUST BACKSTAGE WITH MEAT LOAF'S ROAD PEOPLE, THE HAMBURGER HELPERS.

MEAT LOAF'S ROAD PEOPLE, THE HAMBURGER HELPERS. [LAUGHTER]

HAMBURGER HELPERS. [LAUGHTER] AND THEY'RE VERY NICE PEOPLE,

[LAUGHTER] AND THEY'RE VERY NICE PEOPLE, AND...

AND THEY'RE VERY NICE PEOPLE, AND... [LAUGHS]

AND... [LAUGHS] WE HAD A LOT OF FUN BACKSTAGE.

[LAUGHS] WE HAD A LOT OF FUN BACKSTAGE. I'D LIKE TO DO SOME QUICK

WE HAD A LOT OF FUN BACKSTAGE. I'D LIKE TO DO SOME QUICK IMPRESSIONS FOR YOU, IF I MAY,

I'D LIKE TO DO SOME QUICK IMPRESSIONS FOR YOU, IF I MAY, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

IMPRESSIONS FOR YOU, IF I MAY, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN. I'D LIKE TO DO FOR YOU MY

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN. I'D LIKE TO DO FOR YOU MY IMPRESSION OF MICHELANGELO.

I'D LIKE TO DO FOR YOU MY IMPRESSION OF MICHELANGELO. MICHELANGELO.

IMPRESSION OF MICHELANGELO. MICHELANGELO. [PIANO MUSIC PLAYS]

MICHELANGELO. [PIANO MUSIC PLAYS] ♪ CEILINGS ♪

[PIANO MUSIC PLAYS] ♪ CEILINGS ♪ ♪ NOTHING MORE THAN CEILINGS ♪

♪ CEILINGS ♪ ♪ NOTHING MORE THAN CEILINGS ♪ GET IT?

♪ NOTHING MORE THAN CEILINGS ♪ GET IT? GOOD, OKAY.

GET IT? GOOD, OKAY. SO, ANYWAY, I LIKE THOSE GUYS

GOOD, OKAY. SO, ANYWAY, I LIKE THOSE GUYS THAT SING LIKE THAT.

SO, ANYWAY, I LIKE THOSE GUYS THAT SING LIKE THAT. YOU EVER NOTICE THAT EVERY

THAT SING LIKE THAT. YOU EVER NOTICE THAT EVERY WEDDING SINGER HAS THE SAME KIND

YOU EVER NOTICE THAT EVERY WEDDING SINGER HAS THE SAME KIND OF VOICE?

WEDDING SINGER HAS THE SAME KIND OF VOICE? SING...

OF VOICE? SING... [Nasal voice] ♪ MOON RIVER,

SING... [Nasal voice] ♪ MOON RIVER, WIDER THAN A MILE ♪

[Nasal voice] ♪ MOON RIVER, WIDER THAN A MILE ♪ HEY!

WIDER THAN A MILE ♪ HEY! I'M KIND OF LIKE, YOU KNOW...

HEY! I'M KIND OF LIKE, YOU KNOW... ♪ CROSSING YOU IN STYLE

I'M KIND OF LIKE, YOU KNOW... ♪ CROSSING YOU IN STYLE SOMEDAY ♪

♪ CROSSING YOU IN STYLE SOMEDAY ♪ [Normal voice] I WAS AT A

SOMEDAY ♪ [Normal voice] I WAS AT A WEDDING ABOUT THREE WEEKS AGO,

[Normal voice] I WAS AT A WEDDING ABOUT THREE WEEKS AGO, AND I WAS A LITTLE DRUNK FROM

WEDDING ABOUT THREE WEEKS AGO, AND I WAS A LITTLE DRUNK FROM DRINKING CHAMPAGNE... THE

AND I WAS A LITTLE DRUNK FROM DRINKING CHAMPAGNE... THE BUBBLES MAKE IT WORK FASTER.

DRINKING CHAMPAGNE... THE BUBBLES MAKE IT WORK FASTER. ANYWAY, THERE WAS ONE OF THESE

BUBBLES MAKE IT WORK FASTER. ANYWAY, THERE WAS ONE OF THESE GUYS THERE.

ANYWAY, THERE WAS ONE OF THESE GUYS THERE. THEY ALL HAD GLEN PLAID TUXEDOS

GUYS THERE. THEY ALL HAD GLEN PLAID TUXEDOS ON, AND THEY WERE SINGING ON AND

THEY ALL HAD GLEN PLAID TUXEDOS ON, AND THEY WERE SINGING ON AND ON.

ON, AND THEY WERE SINGING ON AND ON. I WENT UP TO THE BANDLEADER.

ON. I WENT UP TO THE BANDLEADER. I SAID, "YOU GUYS TAKE

I WENT UP TO THE BANDLEADER. I SAID, "YOU GUYS TAKE REQUESTS?"

I SAID, "YOU GUYS TAKE REQUESTS?" HE SAID, "OF COURSE WE DO."

REQUESTS?" HE SAID, "OF COURSE WE DO." I SAID, "COULD YOU DO SOMETHING

HE SAID, "OF COURSE WE DO." I SAID, "COULD YOU DO SOMETHING BY THE ROLLING STONES?"

I SAID, "COULD YOU DO SOMETHING BY THE ROLLING STONES?" HE SAID, "YES, WE CAN, YOUNG

BY THE ROLLING STONES?" HE SAID, "YES, WE CAN, YOUNG MAN.

HE SAID, "YES, WE CAN, YOUNG MAN. JUST HAVE A SEAT."

MAN. JUST HAVE A SEAT." I WAS GOOFING ON THE GUY, BUT HE

JUST HAVE A SEAT." I WAS GOOFING ON THE GUY, BUT HE WAS SERIOUS.

I WAS GOOFING ON THE GUY, BUT HE WAS SERIOUS. SO, LIKE, 10 MINUTES LATER, I'M

WAS SERIOUS. SO, LIKE, 10 MINUTES LATER, I'M SITTING DOWN, A LITTLE BIT MORE

SO, LIKE, 10 MINUTES LATER, I'M SITTING DOWN, A LITTLE BIT MORE DRUNK, AND THE BANDLEADER IN

SITTING DOWN, A LITTLE BIT MORE DRUNK, AND THE BANDLEADER IN THIS WEDDING TURNS TO THE

DRUNK, AND THE BANDLEADER IN THIS WEDDING TURNS TO THE ORCHESTRA AND SAYS, "BOYS, BY

THIS WEDDING TURNS TO THE ORCHESTRA AND SAYS, "BOYS, BY REQUEST, THE ROLLING STONES

ORCHESTRA AND SAYS, "BOYS, BY REQUEST, THE ROLLING STONES MEDLEY, PLEASE."

REQUEST, THE ROLLING STONES MEDLEY, PLEASE." [LOUNGE-STYLE PIANO PLAYS

MEDLEY, PLEASE." [LOUNGE-STYLE PIANO PLAYS ROLLING STONES'

[LOUNGE-STYLE PIANO PLAYS ROLLING STONES' "SYMPATHY FOR THE DEVIL"]

[ROLLING STONES' "SYMPATHY FOR THE DEVIL"] [Nasal voice] ♪ PLEASE ALLOW

["SYMPATHY FOR THE DEVIL"] [Nasal voice] ♪ PLEASE ALLOW ME TO INTRODUCE MYSELF ♪

[Nasal voice] ♪ PLEASE ALLOW ME TO INTRODUCE MYSELF ♪ ♪ I'M A MAN OF WEALTH AND

ME TO INTRODUCE MYSELF ♪ ♪ I'M A MAN OF WEALTH AND TASTE ♪

♪ I'M A MAN OF WEALTH AND TASTE ♪ ♪ I'VE BEEN AROUND FOR MANY A

TASTE ♪ ♪ I'VE BEEN AROUND FOR MANY A YEAR ♪

♪ I'VE BEEN AROUND FOR MANY A YEAR ♪ HEY, LAID MANY...

YEAR ♪ HEY, LAID MANY... ♪ A SOUL TO WASTE ♪

HEY, LAID MANY... ♪ A SOUL TO WASTE ♪ ♪ PLEASED TO MEET YOU ♪

♪ A SOUL TO WASTE ♪ ♪ PLEASED TO MEET YOU ♪ HEY!

♪ PLEASED TO MEET YOU ♪ HEY! ♪ HOPE YOU KIND OF LIKE, YOU

HEY! ♪ HOPE YOU KIND OF LIKE, YOU KNOW, GUESSED MY NAME ♪

♪ HOPE YOU KIND OF LIKE, YOU KNOW, GUESSED MY NAME ♪ ♪ BECAUSE ♪♪

KNOW, GUESSED MY NAME ♪ ♪ BECAUSE ♪♪ ♪ I CAN'T GET ANY ♪

♪ BECAUSE ♪♪ ♪ I CAN'T GET ANY ♪ ♪ SATISFACTION ♪

♪ I CAN'T GET ANY ♪ ♪ SATISFACTION ♪ GOSH!

♪ SATISFACTION ♪ GOSH! ♪ I CAN'T GET NO ♪

GOSH! ♪ I CAN'T GET NO ♪ GEE!

♪ I CAN'T GET NO ♪ GEE! ♪ SATISFACTION ♪♪

GEE! ♪ SATISFACTION ♪♪ ♪ 'CAUSE I'M DRIVING IN MY CAR ♪

♪ SATISFACTION ♪♪ ♪ 'CAUSE I'M DRIVING IN MY CAR ♪ ♪ AND A MAN COMES ON THE RADIO ♪

♪ 'CAUSE I'M DRIVING IN MY CAR ♪ ♪ AND A MAN COMES ON THE RADIO ♪ HEY!

♪ AND A MAN COMES ON THE RADIO ♪ HEY! ♪ HE CAN'T BE A MAN 'CAUSE HE

HEY! ♪ HE CAN'T BE A MAN 'CAUSE HE DOESN'T SMOKE ♪♪

♪ HE CAN'T BE A MAN 'CAUSE HE DOESN'T SMOKE ♪♪ ♪ I CAN'T GET ANY ♪

DOESN'T SMOKE ♪♪ ♪ I CAN'T GET ANY ♪ ♪ SATISFACTION ♪

♪ I CAN'T GET ANY ♪ ♪ SATISFACTION ♪ ♪ NO SATISFACTION ♪

♪ SATISFACTION ♪ ♪ NO SATISFACTION ♪ [PIANO SOLOS, STOPS]

♪ NO SATISFACTION ♪ [PIANO SOLOS, STOPS] [CHUCKLES]

[PIANO SOLOS, STOPS] [CHUCKLES] [Normal voice] THANK YOU.

[CHUCKLES] [Normal voice] THANK YOU. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

[Normal voice] THANK YOU. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] THANK YOU.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] THANK YOU. SEE, THAT'S FUNNY TO ME BECAUSE

THANK YOU. SEE, THAT'S FUNNY TO ME BECAUSE IT'S THE ANTITHESIS OF THE REAL

SEE, THAT'S FUNNY TO ME BECAUSE IT'S THE ANTITHESIS OF THE REAL THING.

IT'S THE ANTITHESIS OF THE REAL THING. THE REAL THING IS MICK JAGGER.

THING. THE REAL THING IS MICK JAGGER. HAVE YOU EVER SEEN MICK JAGGER

THE REAL THING IS MICK JAGGER. HAVE YOU EVER SEEN MICK JAGGER WORK?

HAVE YOU EVER SEEN MICK JAGGER WORK? MICK JAGGER IS LIKE A ROOSTER ON

WORK? MICK JAGGER IS LIKE A ROOSTER ON ACID.

MICK JAGGER IS LIKE A ROOSTER ON ACID. [BAND PLAYS ROLLING STONES'

ACID. [BAND PLAYS ROLLING STONES' "(I CAN'T GET NO) SATISFACTION"]

♪ DOIN' THIS, AND I'M DOIN' THAT ♪ ♪ AND I'M TRYIN' TO MAKE SOME

THAT ♪ ♪ AND I'M TRYIN' TO MAKE SOME GIRL ♪

♪ AND I'M TRYIN' TO MAKE SOME GIRL ♪ ♪ I CAN'T GET NO ♪

GIRL ♪ ♪ I CAN'T GET NO ♪ ♪ I CAN'T GET ME NO ♪

♪ I CAN'T GET NO ♪ ♪ I CAN'T GET ME NO ♪ ♪ I CAN'T GET NO ♪

♪ I CAN'T GET ME NO ♪ ♪ I CAN'T GET NO ♪ [Nasal voice] ♪ NO

♪ I CAN'T GET NO ♪ [Nasal voice] ♪ NO SATISFACTION ♪

[Nasal voice] ♪ NO SATISFACTION ♪ ♪ NO SATISFACTION ♪

SATISFACTION ♪ ♪ NO SATISFACTION ♪ [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

♪ NO SATISFACTION ♪ [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] [Normal voice] OKAY.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] [Normal voice] OKAY. OH, WAIT.

[Normal voice] OKAY. OH, WAIT. MY HAND'S CAUGHT IN MY HAIR!

OH, WAIT. MY HAND'S CAUGHT IN MY HAIR! [LAUGHTER]

MY HAND'S CAUGHT IN MY HAIR! [LAUGHTER] WE FALL DOWN, AND WE GET UP, YOU

[LAUGHTER] WE FALL DOWN, AND WE GET UP, YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

WE FALL DOWN, AND WE GET UP, YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING? OKAY, AND NOW...

KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING? OKAY, AND NOW... [CHUCKLES]

OKAY, AND NOW... [CHUCKLES] OF COURSE, YOU ALL KNOW THAT THE

[CHUCKLES] OF COURSE, YOU ALL KNOW THAT THE BOB DYLAN BAR MITZVAH TAPES ARE

OF COURSE, YOU ALL KNOW THAT THE BOB DYLAN BAR MITZVAH TAPES ARE NOW AVAILABLE.

BOB DYLAN BAR MITZVAH TAPES ARE NOW AVAILABLE. I HAVE A FANTASY ABOUT DYLAN

NOW AVAILABLE. I HAVE A FANTASY ABOUT DYLAN THAT I'D LIKE TO SHARE WITH YOU.

I HAVE A FANTASY ABOUT DYLAN THAT I'D LIKE TO SHARE WITH YOU. SEE, I FEEL THAT, NO MATTER HOW

THAT I'D LIKE TO SHARE WITH YOU. SEE, I FEEL THAT, NO MATTER HOW OLD BOB DYLAN GETS, HE'LL

SEE, I FEEL THAT, NO MATTER HOW OLD BOB DYLAN GETS, HE'LL CONTINUE TO PERFORM.

OLD BOB DYLAN GETS, HE'LL CONTINUE TO PERFORM. THIS IS MY IMAGE AND MY FANTASY

CONTINUE TO PERFORM. THIS IS MY IMAGE AND MY FANTASY OF THE 86-YEAR-OLD BOB DYLAN IN

THIS IS MY IMAGE AND MY FANTASY OF THE 86-YEAR-OLD BOB DYLAN IN CONCERT.

OF THE 86-YEAR-OLD BOB DYLAN IN CONCERT. [PIANO PLAYS BOB DYLAN'S

CONCERT. [PIANO PLAYS BOB DYLAN'S "LIKE A ROLLING STONE"]

[PIANO PLAYS BOB DYLAN'S "LIKE A ROLLING STONE"] [COUGHS]

["LIKE A ROLLING STONE"] [COUGHS] [Yiddish accent] OY.

[COUGHS] [Yiddish accent] OY. ♪ OY, OY, OY, OY ♪

[Yiddish accent] OY. ♪ OY, OY, OY, OY ♪ ♪ ONCE UPON A TIME YOU DRESSED

♪ OY, OY, OY, OY ♪ ♪ ONCE UPON A TIME YOU DRESSED SO FINE ♪

♪ ONCE UPON A TIME YOU DRESSED SO FINE ♪ ♪ YOU THREW THE BUMS A DIME IN

SO FINE ♪ ♪ YOU THREW THE BUMS A DIME IN YOUR PRIME, DIDN'T YOU? ♪

♪ YOU THREW THE BUMS A DIME IN YOUR PRIME, DIDN'T YOU? ♪ ♪ PEOPLE CALL, SAY, "BEWARE,

YOUR PRIME, DIDN'T YOU? ♪ ♪ PEOPLE CALL, SAY, "BEWARE, DOLL... YOU'RE BOUND TO FALL" ♪

♪ PEOPLE CALL, SAY, "BEWARE, DOLL... YOU'RE BOUND TO FALL" ♪ ♪ YOU THOUGHT THEY WAS ALL

DOLL... YOU'RE BOUND TO FALL" ♪ ♪ YOU THOUGHT THEY WAS ALL KIDDING YOU ♪

♪ YOU THOUGHT THEY WAS ALL KIDDING YOU ♪ [COUGHS]

KIDDING YOU ♪ [COUGHS] ♪ YOU USED TO LAUGH ABOUT

[COUGHS] ♪ YOU USED TO LAUGH ABOUT EVERYBODY THAT WAS HANGING OUT ♪

♪ YOU USED TO LAUGH ABOUT EVERYBODY THAT WAS HANGING OUT ♪ AND NOW YOU DON'T LAUGH SO LOUD,

EVERYBODY THAT WAS HANGING OUT ♪ AND NOW YOU DON'T LAUGH SO LOUD, MR. BIG SHOT, HUH?

AND NOW YOU DON'T LAUGH SO LOUD, MR. BIG SHOT, HUH? ♪ AND NOW YOU DON'T FEEL SO

MR. BIG SHOT, HUH? ♪ AND NOW YOU DON'T FEEL SO PROUD ♪

♪ AND NOW YOU DON'T FEEL SO PROUD ♪ [Imitating Bob Dylan] ♪ ABOUT

PROUD ♪ [Imitating Bob Dylan] ♪ ABOUT HAVING TO BE SCROUNGING YOUR

[Imitating Bob Dylan] ♪ ABOUT HAVING TO BE SCROUNGING YOUR NEXT ME-E-E-E-E-E-AL ♪

HAVING TO BE SCROUNGING YOUR NEXT ME-E-E-E-E-E-AL ♪ [MUSIC STOPS]

NEXT ME-E-E-E-E-E-AL ♪ [MUSIC STOPS] [Yiddish accent] OY.

[MUSIC STOPS] [Yiddish accent] OY. ♪ HOW DOES IT FEEL? ♪

[Yiddish accent] OY. ♪ HOW DOES IT FEEL? ♪ ♪ LIKE A ROLLING GALLSTONE ♪

♪ HOW DOES IT FEEL? ♪ ♪ LIKE A ROLLING GALLSTONE ♪ [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

♪ LIKE A ROLLING GALLSTONE ♪ [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] [Normal voice] THANK YOU VERY

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] [Normal voice] THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

[Normal voice] THANK YOU VERY MUCH. THANK YOU, SATURDAY NIGHT.

MUCH. THANK YOU, SATURDAY NIGHT. AND THANK YOU.

THANK YOU, SATURDAY NIGHT. AND THANK YOU. THANK YOU, AMERICA.

Announcer: ONCE AGAIN, HERE'S MEAT LOAF. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

MEAT LOAF. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] [INTRO TO "TWO OUT OF THREE

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] [INTRO TO "TWO OUT OF THREE AIN'T BAD" PLAYS]

♪ BABY, WE CAN TALK ALL NIGHT ♪ ♪ BUT THAT AIN'T GETTING US

NIGHT ♪ ♪ BUT THAT AIN'T GETTING US NOWHERE ♪

♪ BUT THAT AIN'T GETTING US NOWHERE ♪ ♪ I TOLD YOU EVERYTHING I

NOWHERE ♪ ♪ I TOLD YOU EVERYTHING I POSSIBLY CAN ♪

♪ I TOLD YOU EVERYTHING I POSSIBLY CAN ♪ ♪ THERE'S NOTHING LEFT INSIDE OF

POSSIBLY CAN ♪ ♪ THERE'S NOTHING LEFT INSIDE OF HERE ♪

♪ THERE'S NOTHING LEFT INSIDE OF HERE ♪ ♪ AND MAYBE YOU CAN CRY ALL

HERE ♪ ♪ AND MAYBE YOU CAN CRY ALL NIGHT ♪

♪ AND MAYBE YOU CAN CRY ALL NIGHT ♪ ♪ OOH, OOH, OOH, OOH ♪

NIGHT ♪ ♪ OOH, OOH, OOH, OOH ♪ ♪ BUT THAT'LL NEVER CHANGE

♪ OOH, OOH, OOH, OOH ♪ ♪ BUT THAT'LL NEVER CHANGE THE WAY THAT I FEEL ♪

♪ BUT THAT'LL NEVER CHANGE THE WAY THAT I FEEL ♪ ♪ THE SNOW IS REALLY PILING UP

THE WAY THAT I FEEL ♪ ♪ THE SNOW IS REALLY PILING UP OUTSIDE ♪

♪ THE SNOW IS REALLY PILING UP OUTSIDE ♪ ♪ I WISH YOU WOULDN'T MAKE ME

OUTSIDE ♪ ♪ I WISH YOU WOULDN'T MAKE ME LEAVE YOU ♪

♪ I WISH YOU WOULDN'T MAKE ME LEAVE YOU ♪ ♪ I POURED IT ON, AND I POURED

LEAVE YOU ♪ ♪ I POURED IT ON, AND I POURED IT OUT ♪

♪ I POURED IT ON, AND I POURED IT OUT ♪ ♪ I TRIED TO SHOW YOU JUST HOW

IT OUT ♪ ♪ I TRIED TO SHOW YOU JUST HOW MUCH I CARE ♪

♪ I TRIED TO SHOW YOU JUST HOW MUCH I CARE ♪ ♪ I'M TIRED OF WORDS, AND I'M

MUCH I CARE ♪ ♪ I'M TIRED OF WORDS, AND I'M TOO HOARSE TO SHOUT ♪

♪ I'M TIRED OF WORDS, AND I'M TOO HOARSE TO SHOUT ♪ ♪ BUT YOU'VE BEEN COLD TO ME SO

TOO HOARSE TO SHOUT ♪ ♪ BUT YOU'VE BEEN COLD TO ME SO LONG ♪

♪ BUT YOU'VE BEEN COLD TO ME SO LONG ♪ ♪ I'M CRYING ICICLES INSTEAD OF

LONG ♪ ♪ I'M CRYING ICICLES INSTEAD OF TEARS ♪

♪ I'M CRYING ICICLES INSTEAD OF TEARS ♪ ♪ AND ALL I CAN DO IS KEEP ON

TEARS ♪ ♪ AND ALL I CAN DO IS KEEP ON TELLING YOU I WANT YOU ♪

♪ AND ALL I CAN DO IS KEEP ON TELLING YOU I WANT YOU ♪ ♪ I WANT YOU ♪

TELLING YOU I WANT YOU ♪ ♪ I WANT YOU ♪ ♪ I NEED YOU ♪

♪ I WANT YOU ♪ ♪ I NEED YOU ♪ ♪ I NEED YOU ♪

♪ I NEED YOU ♪ ♪ I NEED YOU ♪ ♪ BUT THERE AIN'T NO WAY I'M

♪ I NEED YOU ♪ ♪ BUT THERE AIN'T NO WAY I'M EVER GONNA LOVE YOU ♪

♪ BUT THERE AIN'T NO WAY I'M EVER GONNA LOVE YOU ♪ ♪ NOW DON'T BE SAD ♪

EVER GONNA LOVE YOU ♪ ♪ NOW DON'T BE SAD ♪ ♪ DON'T BE SAD 'CAUSE ♪

♪ NOW DON'T BE SAD ♪ ♪ DON'T BE SAD 'CAUSE ♪ ♪ 'CAUSE TWO OUT OF THREE

♪ DON'T BE SAD 'CAUSE ♪ ♪ 'CAUSE TWO OUT OF THREE AIN'T BAD ♪

♪ 'CAUSE TWO OUT OF THREE AIN'T BAD ♪ ♪ NOW DON'T BE SAD 'CAUSE ♪

AIN'T BAD ♪ ♪ NOW DON'T BE SAD 'CAUSE ♪ ♪ TWO OUT OF THREE AIN'T BAD ♪

♪ NOW DON'T BE SAD 'CAUSE ♪ ♪ TWO OUT OF THREE AIN'T BAD ♪ ♪ I CAN'T LIE ♪

♪ TWO OUT OF THREE AIN'T BAD ♪ ♪ I CAN'T LIE ♪ ♪ I CAN'T LIE ♪

♪ I CAN'T LIE ♪ ♪ I CAN'T LIE ♪ ♪ I CAN'T TELL YOU THAT I'M

♪ I CAN'T LIE ♪ ♪ I CAN'T TELL YOU THAT I'M SOMETHING I'M NOT ♪

♪ I CAN'T TELL YOU THAT I'M SOMETHING I'M NOT ♪ ♪ NO MATTER HOW I TRY ♪

SOMETHING I'M NOT ♪ ♪ NO MATTER HOW I TRY ♪ ♪ I'LL NEVER BE ABLE TO GIVE YOU

♪ NO MATTER HOW I TRY ♪ ♪ I'LL NEVER BE ABLE TO GIVE YOU SOMETHING ♪

♪ I'LL NEVER BE ABLE TO GIVE YOU SOMETHING ♪ ♪ SOMETHING THAT I JUST HAVEN'T

SOMETHING ♪ ♪ SOMETHING THAT I JUST HAVEN'T GOT ♪

♪ SOMETHING THAT I JUST HAVEN'T GOT ♪ ♪ WELL, THERE'S ONLY ONE GIRL

GOT ♪ ♪ WELL, THERE'S ONLY ONE GIRL THAT I WILL EVER LOVE ♪

♪ WELL, THERE'S ONLY ONE GIRL THAT I WILL EVER LOVE ♪ ♪ AND THAT WAS SO MANY YEARS

THAT I WILL EVER LOVE ♪ ♪ AND THAT WAS SO MANY YEARS AGO ♪

♪ AND THAT WAS SO MANY YEARS AGO ♪ ♪ AND THOUGH I PLEADED AND I

AGO ♪ ♪ AND THOUGH I PLEADED AND I BEGGED HER ♪

♪ AND THOUGH I PLEADED AND I BEGGED HER ♪ ♪ NOT TO WALK OUT THAT DOOR ♪

BEGGED HER ♪ ♪ NOT TO WALK OUT THAT DOOR ♪ ♪ SHE PACKED HER BAGS AND TURNED

♪ NOT TO WALK OUT THAT DOOR ♪ ♪ SHE PACKED HER BAGS AND TURNED RIGHT AWAY ♪

♪ SHE PACKED HER BAGS AND TURNED RIGHT AWAY ♪ ♪ AND SHE KEPT ON TELLING ME ♪

RIGHT AWAY ♪ ♪ AND SHE KEPT ON TELLING ME ♪ ♪ SHE KEPT ON TELLING ME ♪

♪ AND SHE KEPT ON TELLING ME ♪ ♪ SHE KEPT ON TELLING ME ♪ ♪ SHE KEPT ON TELLING ME ♪

♪ SHE KEPT ON TELLING ME ♪ ♪ SHE KEPT ON TELLING ME ♪ ♪ I WANT YOU ♪

♪ SHE KEPT ON TELLING ME ♪ ♪ I WANT YOU ♪ ♪ I WANT YOU ♪

♪ I WANT YOU ♪ ♪ I WANT YOU ♪ ♪ I NEED YOU ♪

♪ I WANT YOU ♪ ♪ I NEED YOU ♪ ♪ I NEED YOU ♪

♪ I NEED YOU ♪ ♪ I NEED YOU ♪ ♪ BUT THERE AIN'T NO WAY I'M

♪ I NEED YOU ♪ ♪ BUT THERE AIN'T NO WAY I'M EVER GONNA LOVE YOU ♪

♪ BUT THERE AIN'T NO WAY I'M EVER GONNA LOVE YOU ♪ ♪ NOW DON'T BE SAD ♪

EVER GONNA LOVE YOU ♪ ♪ NOW DON'T BE SAD ♪ ♪ DON'T BE SAD 'CAUSE ♪

♪ NOW DON'T BE SAD ♪ ♪ DON'T BE SAD 'CAUSE ♪ ♪ 'CAUSE TWO OUT OF THREE

♪ DON'T BE SAD 'CAUSE ♪ ♪ 'CAUSE TWO OUT OF THREE AIN'T BAD ♪

♪ 'CAUSE TWO OUT OF THREE AIN'T BAD ♪ ♪ OH, NOW, DON'T BE SAD ♪

AIN'T BAD ♪ ♪ OH, NOW, DON'T BE SAD ♪ ♪ 'CAUSE TWO OUT OF THREE AIN'T

♪ OH, NOW, DON'T BE SAD ♪ ♪ 'CAUSE TWO OUT OF THREE AIN'T BAD ♪

♪ 'CAUSE TWO OUT OF THREE AIN'T BAD ♪ [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

Announcer: HEY, KIDS! IT'S TIME FOR THE MR. BILL SHOW! HO HO, KIDDIES!

IT'S TIME FOR THE MR. BILL SHOW! HO HO, KIDDIES! OH, IT'S SO GOOD TO SEE ALL OF

HO HO, KIDDIES! OH, IT'S SO GOOD TO SEE ALL OF YOU BRIGHT FACES OUT IN FRONT OF

OH, IT'S SO GOOD TO SEE ALL OF YOU BRIGHT FACES OUT IN FRONT OF THE TV SET!

YOU BRIGHT FACES OUT IN FRONT OF THE TV SET! OH, WE'RE GOING TO HAVE A GREAT

THE TV SET! OH, WE'RE GOING TO HAVE A GREAT TIME TODAY 'CAUSE WE'RE HAVING

OH, WE'RE GOING TO HAVE A GREAT TIME TODAY 'CAUSE WE'RE HAVING OUR OWN CIRCUS!

TIME TODAY 'CAUSE WE'RE HAVING OUR OWN CIRCUS! BUT FIRST I'D LIKE TO INTRODUCE

OUR OWN CIRCUS! BUT FIRST I'D LIKE TO INTRODUCE YOU TO MY FRIEND.

BUT FIRST I'D LIKE TO INTRODUCE YOU TO MY FRIEND. HE HELPS ME ALL THE TIME.

YOU TO MY FRIEND. HE HELPS ME ALL THE TIME. MR. HANDS!

HE HELPS ME ALL THE TIME. MR. HANDS! HEY, MR. BILL!

MR. HANDS! HEY, MR. BILL! SAY, A FRIEND OF YOURS IS COMING

HEY, MR. BILL! SAY, A FRIEND OF YOURS IS COMING TO SEE YOU!

SAY, A FRIEND OF YOURS IS COMING TO SEE YOU! OH, REALLY?

TO SEE YOU! OH, REALLY? WHAT COULD THAT BE, MR. HANDS?

OH, REALLY? WHAT COULD THAT BE, MR. HANDS? HUH?

WHAT COULD THAT BE, MR. HANDS? HUH? HERE COMES MR. BILL'S DOG!

HUH? HERE COMES MR. BILL'S DOG! OH, SPOT!

HERE COMES MR. BILL'S DOG! OH, SPOT! HEY, SPOT!

OH, SPOT! HEY, SPOT! OH, IT'S MY DOG!

HEY, SPOT! OH, IT'S MY DOG! HEY, HOW'S IT GOING, HUH?

OH, IT'S MY DOG! HEY, HOW'S IT GOING, HUH? SAY, MR. HANDS, CAN YOU HELP ME

HEY, HOW'S IT GOING, HUH? SAY, MR. HANDS, CAN YOU HELP ME PET HIM, HUH?

SAY, MR. HANDS, CAN YOU HELP ME PET HIM, HUH? SURE, MR. BILL.

PET HIM, HUH? SURE, MR. BILL. BUT, YOU KNOW, HE LOOKS MIGHTY

SURE, MR. BILL. BUT, YOU KNOW, HE LOOKS MIGHTY HUNGRY.

BUT, YOU KNOW, HE LOOKS MIGHTY HUNGRY. I THINK WE'D BETTER FEED HIM

HUNGRY. I THINK WE'D BETTER FEED HIM RIGHT AWAY.

I THINK WE'D BETTER FEED HIM RIGHT AWAY. BUT I DON'T HAVE ANY DOG

RIGHT AWAY. BUT I DON'T HAVE ANY DOG FOOD!

BUT I DON'T HAVE ANY DOG FOOD! WELL, DON'T WORRY.

FOOD! WELL, DON'T WORRY. ONE OF YOUR BEST FRIENDS IS

WELL, DON'T WORRY. ONE OF YOUR BEST FRIENDS IS DROPPING IN, AND HE'S GONNA

ONE OF YOUR BEST FRIENDS IS DROPPING IN, AND HE'S GONNA BRING SOME DOG FOOD.

DROPPING IN, AND HE'S GONNA BRING SOME DOG FOOD. WHO'S THAT, HUH?

BRING SOME DOG FOOD. WHO'S THAT, HUH? HE'S ONE OF YOUR BEST

WHO'S THAT, HUH? HE'S ONE OF YOUR BEST FRIENDS.

HE'S ONE OF YOUR BEST FRIENDS. OH, RIGHT.

FRIENDS. OH, RIGHT. HE'S NOT MY FRIEND!

OH, RIGHT. HE'S NOT MY FRIEND! NOT AT ALL!

HE'S NOT MY FRIEND! NOT AT ALL! HE'S ALWAYS MEAN TO ME!

NOT AT ALL! HE'S ALWAYS MEAN TO ME! NO, IT'S FRIENDLY MR. SLUGGO

HE'S ALWAYS MEAN TO ME! NO, IT'S FRIENDLY MR. SLUGGO AND HIS SPECIAL DOG FOOD.

NO, IT'S FRIENDLY MR. SLUGGO AND HIS SPECIAL DOG FOOD. THAT'S NOT DOG FOOD!

AND HIS SPECIAL DOG FOOD. THAT'S NOT DOG FOOD! SURE IT IS.

THAT'S NOT DOG FOOD! SURE IT IS. AND HE SAYS, NOT A SPECK OF

SURE IT IS. AND HE SAYS, NOT A SPECK OF CEREAL!

AND HE SAYS, NOT A SPECK OF CEREAL! NO, WAIT!

CEREAL! NO, WAIT! IT'S POISON!

NO, WAIT! IT'S POISON! DON'T EAT IT, SPOT!

IT'S POISON! DON'T EAT IT, SPOT! AAH!

DON'T EAT IT, SPOT! AAH! SEE YOU LATER, SPOT.

AAH! SEE YOU LATER, SPOT. NEVER MIND, MR. BILL, BECAUSE

SEE YOU LATER, SPOT. NEVER MIND, MR. BILL, BECAUSE WE'RE GONNA HAVE OUR CIRCUS.

NEVER MIND, MR. BILL, BECAUSE WE'RE GONNA HAVE OUR CIRCUS. OH, I LOVE THE CIRCUS!

WE'RE GONNA HAVE OUR CIRCUS. OH, I LOVE THE CIRCUS! I BOUGHT YOU THIS PRESENT,

OH, I LOVE THE CIRCUS! I BOUGHT YOU THIS PRESENT, MR. BILL.

I BOUGHT YOU THIS PRESENT, MR. BILL. NO, WAIT, THAT'S TOO TIGHT.

MR. BILL. NO, WAIT, THAT'S TOO TIGHT. TOO TIGHT, OH!

NO, WAIT, THAT'S TOO TIGHT. TOO TIGHT, OH! I DON'T WANT YOU TO LOOSE

TOO TIGHT, OH! I DON'T WANT YOU TO LOOSE YOUR BALLOONS.

I DON'T WANT YOU TO LOOSE YOUR BALLOONS. NO, WAIT, NO, NO!

YOUR BALLOONS. NO, WAIT, NO, NO! WAIT, I CAN'T HOLD IT!

NO, WAIT, NO, NO! WAIT, I CAN'T HOLD IT! I CAN'T, OH!

WAIT, I CAN'T HOLD IT! I CAN'T, OH! AAH!

I CAN'T, OH! AAH! OH, MR. BILL, YOU'VE LOST

AAH! OH, MR. BILL, YOU'VE LOST YOUR BALLOONS.

OH, MR. BILL, YOU'VE LOST YOUR BALLOONS. YOU KNOW, MR. BILL, WE NEED

YOUR BALLOONS. YOU KNOW, MR. BILL, WE NEED SOMEBODY TO RUN OUR CIRCUS, SO

YOU KNOW, MR. BILL, WE NEED SOMEBODY TO RUN OUR CIRCUS, SO WHO'S ALWAYS IN CHARGE OF A

SOMEBODY TO RUN OUR CIRCUS, SO WHO'S ALWAYS IN CHARGE OF A CIRCUS?

WHO'S ALWAYS IN CHARGE OF A CIRCUS? I DON'T KNOW.

CIRCUS? I DON'T KNOW. WHO?

I DON'T KNOW. WHO? THE RINGMASTER.

WHO? THE RINGMASTER. OH, HE'S NO RINGMASTER!

THE RINGMASTER. OH, HE'S NO RINGMASTER! SURE, HE'S RINGMASTER SLUGGO,

OH, HE'S NO RINGMASTER! SURE, HE'S RINGMASTER SLUGGO, AND HE SAYS, FOR OUR FIRST ACT

SURE, HE'S RINGMASTER SLUGGO, AND HE SAYS, FOR OUR FIRST ACT TONIGHT, YOU AND I ARE GONNA BE

AND HE SAYS, FOR OUR FIRST ACT TONIGHT, YOU AND I ARE GONNA BE A JUGGLING TEAM.

TONIGHT, YOU AND I ARE GONNA BE A JUGGLING TEAM. NO!

A JUGGLING TEAM. NO! CATCH THE BOWLING PIN!

NO! CATCH THE BOWLING PIN! OH, N-O-O-O-O!

CATCH THE BOWLING PIN! OH, N-O-O-O-O! FOR THE NEXT ACT, RINGMASTER

OH, N-O-O-O-O! FOR THE NEXT ACT, RINGMASTER SLUGGO SAYS YOU'RE GONNA DO A

FOR THE NEXT ACT, RINGMASTER SLUGGO SAYS YOU'RE GONNA DO A DARING HIGH-WIRE ACT.

SLUGGO SAYS YOU'RE GONNA DO A DARING HIGH-WIRE ACT. NO, I'LL FALL!

DARING HIGH-WIRE ACT. NO, I'LL FALL! DON'T WORRY.

NO, I'LL FALL! DON'T WORRY. I MADE YOU A SPECIAL NET, IN

DON'T WORRY. I MADE YOU A SPECIAL NET, IN CASE YOU SLIP.

I MADE YOU A SPECIAL NET, IN CASE YOU SLIP. NO, I CAN'T, NO!

CASE YOU SLIP. NO, I CAN'T, NO! NOW WALK THE TIGHTROPE,

NO, I CAN'T, NO! NOW WALK THE TIGHTROPE, MR. BILL.

NOW WALK THE TIGHTROPE, MR. BILL. OHH!

MR. BILL. OHH! YOU KNOW, MR. BILL, NO CIRCUS

OHH! YOU KNOW, MR. BILL, NO CIRCUS WOULD BE COMPLETE WITHOUT THE

YOU KNOW, MR. BILL, NO CIRCUS WOULD BE COMPLETE WITHOUT THE TRADITIONAL "SHOOT THE MAN OUT

WOULD BE COMPLETE WITHOUT THE TRADITIONAL "SHOOT THE MAN OUT OF THE CANNON" STUNT.

TRADITIONAL "SHOOT THE MAN OUT OF THE CANNON" STUNT. [MUFFLED SCREAMS]

OF THE CANNON" STUNT. [MUFFLED SCREAMS] NOW, LET ME GET YOU LOADED.

[MUFFLED SCREAMS] NOW, LET ME GET YOU LOADED. NICE AND SNUG, MR. BILL.

NOW, LET ME GET YOU LOADED. NICE AND SNUG, MR. BILL. NOW I'M GONNA LIGHT THE FUSE.

NICE AND SNUG, MR. BILL. NOW I'M GONNA LIGHT THE FUSE. SO, UNTIL NEXT WEEK, KIDS.

NOW I'M GONNA LIGHT THE FUSE. SO, UNTIL NEXT WEEK, KIDS. MR. BILL SAYS "SO LONG" FROM

SO, UNTIL NEXT WEEK, KIDS. MR. BILL SAYS "SO LONG" FROM MR. SLUGGO, MR. SPOT, AND

MR. BILL SAYS "SO LONG" FROM MR. SLUGGO, MR. SPOT, AND EVERYBODY IN THE BIG TOP.

MR. SLUGGO, MR. SPOT, AND EVERYBODY IN THE BIG TOP. WE'RE GONNA SEE YOU NEXT WEEK

EVERYBODY IN THE BIG TOP. WE'RE GONNA SEE YOU NEXT WEEK WHEN MR. BILL GETS A GIRLFRIEND.

WHEN MR. BILL GETS A GIRLFRIEND. SO LONG!

SO LONG! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

THANK YOU, ALL OF YOU, FOR COMING THIS EVENING. I'VE NEVER HAD AN EXPERIENCE

COMING THIS EVENING. I'VE NEVER HAD AN EXPERIENCE LIKE THIS IN... A LONG, LONG

I'VE NEVER HAD AN EXPERIENCE LIKE THIS IN... A LONG, LONG TIME.

LIKE THIS IN... A LONG, LONG TIME. [LAUGHTER]

TIME. [LAUGHTER] I'VE HAD A WONDERFUL TIME.

[LAUGHTER] I'VE HAD A WONDERFUL TIME. AND, AGAIN, ALL I CAN SAY IS,

I'VE HAD A WONDERFUL TIME. AND, AGAIN, ALL I CAN SAY IS, JUST QUITE SIMPLY, THANK YOU.

AND, AGAIN, ALL I CAN SAY IS, JUST QUITE SIMPLY, THANK YOU. THANK YOU SO MUCH.

JUST QUITE SIMPLY, THANK YOU. THANK YOU SO MUCH. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

Announcer: NEXT SATURDAY,

WATCH NBC's "WEEKEND" WITH

LLOYD DOBYNS.

WE'LL BE BACK IN TWO WEEKS ON

APRIL 8th, WHEN

"SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE'S" HOST

WILL BE MICHAEL PALIN FROM

"MONTY PYTHON'S FLYING CIRCUS."

AND IF THE EASTER BUNNY'S

LISTENING, I'D LIKE MY EGGS

POACHED, PLEASE.

THIS IS DON PARDO.

GOODBYE.