Original subtitles

Announcer: WILL NOT BE SEEN TONIGHT SO THAT NBC MAY PRESENT THE FOLLOWING SPECIAL

SEEN TONIGHT SO THAT NBC MAY PRESENT THE FOLLOWING SPECIAL PROGRAM.

HI, I'M GILDA RADNER. AND, UH... OKAY, NOW. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

THANK YOU. THANKS. TONIGHT...

THANKS. TONIGHT... TONIGHT WE THOUGHT WE'D START

TONIGHT... TONIGHT WE THOUGHT WE'D START OFF WITH SOMETHING A LITTLE

TONIGHT WE THOUGHT WE'D START OFF WITH SOMETHING A LITTLE DIFFERENT.

OFF WITH SOMETHING A LITTLE DIFFERENT. BEFORE THE SHOW, WE HANDED OUT

DIFFERENT. BEFORE THE SHOW, WE HANDED OUT SOME CARDS FOR THE AUDIENCE TO

BEFORE THE SHOW, WE HANDED OUT SOME CARDS FOR THE AUDIENCE TO WRITE DOWN QUESTIONS, AND I'M

SOME CARDS FOR THE AUDIENCE TO WRITE DOWN QUESTIONS, AND I'M GONNA DO THE BEST I CAN TO

WRITE DOWN QUESTIONS, AND I'M GONNA DO THE BEST I CAN TO ANSWER THEM OFF THE TOP OF MY

GONNA DO THE BEST I CAN TO ANSWER THEM OFF THE TOP OF MY HEAD, OKAY?

ANSWER THEM OFF THE TOP OF MY HEAD, OKAY? ALL RIGHT, THE FIRST QUESTION

HEAD, OKAY? ALL RIGHT, THE FIRST QUESTION IS FROM KEVIN LIEBERMAN FROM

ALL RIGHT, THE FIRST QUESTION IS FROM KEVIN LIEBERMAN FROM MINEOLA, NEW YORK, AND KEVIN

IS FROM KEVIN LIEBERMAN FROM MINEOLA, NEW YORK, AND KEVIN ASKS, "DO YOU EVER HAVE TROUBLE

MINEOLA, NEW YORK, AND KEVIN ASKS, "DO YOU EVER HAVE TROUBLE COMING UP WITH AN OPENING FOR

ASKS, "DO YOU EVER HAVE TROUBLE COMING UP WITH AN OPENING FOR THE SHOW?"

COMING UP WITH AN OPENING FOR THE SHOW?" WELL, YES, KEVIN.

THE SHOW?" WELL, YES, KEVIN. COINCIDENTALLY, WE HAD A GREAT

WELL, YES, KEVIN. COINCIDENTALLY, WE HAD A GREAT DEAL OF DIFFICULTY THIS VERY

COINCIDENTALLY, WE HAD A GREAT DEAL OF DIFFICULTY THIS VERY WEEK.

DEAL OF DIFFICULTY THIS VERY WEEK. THE NEXT QUESTION IS FROM

WEEK. THE NEXT QUESTION IS FROM KEVIN WOOD, WHO ASKS, "IN THE

THE NEXT QUESTION IS FROM KEVIN WOOD, WHO ASKS, "IN THE EVENT THAT YOU HAVE DIFFICULTY

KEVIN WOOD, WHO ASKS, "IN THE EVENT THAT YOU HAVE DIFFICULTY COMING UP WITH AN OPENING TO THE

EVENT THAT YOU HAVE DIFFICULTY COMING UP WITH AN OPENING TO THE SHOW, WHAT WOULD YOU DO?"

COMING UP WITH AN OPENING TO THE SHOW, WHAT WOULD YOU DO?" WELL, KEVIN, WHENEVER THIS

SHOW, WHAT WOULD YOU DO?" WELL, KEVIN, WHENEVER THIS HAPPENS... AND THIS IS THE FIRST

WELL, KEVIN, WHENEVER THIS HAPPENS... AND THIS IS THE FIRST TIME... WE HAND OUT CARDS TO THE

HAPPENS... AND THIS IS THE FIRST TIME... WE HAND OUT CARDS TO THE AUDIENCE SO THEY CAN ASK

TIME... WE HAND OUT CARDS TO THE AUDIENCE SO THEY CAN ASK QUESTIONS, AND THEN I ANSWER

AUDIENCE SO THEY CAN ASK QUESTIONS, AND THEN I ANSWER THEM OFF THE TOP OF MY HEAD.

QUESTIONS, AND THEN I ANSWER THEM OFF THE TOP OF MY HEAD. OKAY.

THEM OFF THE TOP OF MY HEAD. OKAY. THE NEXT QUESTION IS FROM

OKAY. THE NEXT QUESTION IS FROM KEVIN KRAK OF BROOKLYN, AND

THE NEXT QUESTION IS FROM KEVIN KRAK OF BROOKLYN, AND KEVIN ASKS, "ARE THESE QUESTIONS

KEVIN KRAK OF BROOKLYN, AND KEVIN ASKS, "ARE THESE QUESTIONS REALLY WRITTEN BY US, THE

KEVIN ASKS, "ARE THESE QUESTIONS REALLY WRITTEN BY US, THE AUDIENCE, OR ARE THEY WRITTEN BY

REALLY WRITTEN BY US, THE AUDIENCE, OR ARE THEY WRITTEN BY THE WRITERS?"

AUDIENCE, OR ARE THEY WRITTEN BY THE WRITERS?" KEVIN, I HOPE YOU'RE NOT

THE WRITERS?" KEVIN, I HOPE YOU'RE NOT DISAPPOINTED, BUT THE WRITERS

KEVIN, I HOPE YOU'RE NOT DISAPPOINTED, BUT THE WRITERS WROTE THE QUESTIONS.

DISAPPOINTED, BUT THE WRITERS WROTE THE QUESTIONS. OKAY?

WROTE THE QUESTIONS. OKAY? OH, AND THIS ONE IS FROM SOMEONE

OKAY? OH, AND THIS ONE IS FROM SOMEONE WHO SIGNS HIS NAME JUST "KEVIN."

OH, AND THIS ONE IS FROM SOMEONE WHO SIGNS HIS NAME JUST "KEVIN." WHERE ARE YOU SITTING, KEVIN?

WHO SIGNS HIS NAME JUST "KEVIN." WHERE ARE YOU SITTING, KEVIN? WHERE ARE YOU?

WHERE ARE YOU SITTING, KEVIN? WHERE ARE YOU? THANK YOU, ALL RIGHT.

WHERE ARE YOU? THANK YOU, ALL RIGHT. AND KEVIN SAYS, "GILDA, SETTLE A

THANK YOU, ALL RIGHT. AND KEVIN SAYS, "GILDA, SETTLE A BET.

AND KEVIN SAYS, "GILDA, SETTLE A BET. MY WIFE, KEVIN, SAYS YOU ALWAYS

BET. MY WIFE, KEVIN, SAYS YOU ALWAYS START THE SHOW WITH THE WORDS

MY WIFE, KEVIN, SAYS YOU ALWAYS START THE SHOW WITH THE WORDS 'GIVE ME ALL YOUR HOT MONKEY

START THE SHOW WITH THE WORDS 'GIVE ME ALL YOUR HOT MONKEY LOVE, ' AND I SAY SHE'S WRONG."

'GIVE ME ALL YOUR HOT MONKEY LOVE, ' AND I SAY SHE'S WRONG." WELL, KEVIN, YOUR WIFE, KEVIN,

LOVE, ' AND I SAY SHE'S WRONG." WELL, KEVIN, YOUR WIFE, KEVIN, IS WRONG.

WELL, KEVIN, YOUR WIFE, KEVIN, IS WRONG. NO MATTER WHAT THE OPENING, NO

IS WRONG. NO MATTER WHAT THE OPENING, NO MATTER HOW ILL-CONCEIVED, HOW

NO MATTER WHAT THE OPENING, NO MATTER HOW ILL-CONCEIVED, HOW UNPREPARED WE ARE, WE ALWAYS

MATTER HOW ILL-CONCEIVED, HOW UNPREPARED WE ARE, WE ALWAYS START THE SHOW WITH "LIVE FROM

UNPREPARED WE ARE, WE ALWAYS START THE SHOW WITH "LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S 'SATURDAY

START THE SHOW WITH "LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S 'SATURDAY NIGHT'!"

NEW YORK, IT'S 'SATURDAY NIGHT'!" [BAND PLAYS]

Announcer: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, O.J. SIMPSON! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

AH, THANK YOU. THANK YOU. THANK YOU, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

THANK YOU. THANK YOU, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN. THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

THANK YOU, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN. THANK YOU VERY MUCH. YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO EXCUSE ME

THANK YOU VERY MUCH. YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO EXCUSE ME IF I APPEAR A LITTLE NERVOUS

YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO EXCUSE ME IF I APPEAR A LITTLE NERVOUS THIS EVENING, BUT THIS IS A BIG

IF I APPEAR A LITTLE NERVOUS THIS EVENING, BUT THIS IS A BIG MOMENT FOR ME.

THIS EVENING, BUT THIS IS A BIG MOMENT FOR ME. I CAN'T TELL YOU HOW LONG IT'S

MOMENT FOR ME. I CAN'T TELL YOU HOW LONG IT'S BEEN THAT I'VE BEEN TRYING TO

I CAN'T TELL YOU HOW LONG IT'S BEEN THAT I'VE BEEN TRYING TO HOST "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE."

BEEN THAT I'VE BEEN TRYING TO HOST "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE." SO I MAY APPEAR A LITTLE

HOST "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE." SO I MAY APPEAR A LITTLE STRANGE, A LITTLE NERVOUS

SO I MAY APPEAR A LITTLE STRANGE, A LITTLE NERVOUS TONIGHT, BUT IT'S FUNNY.

STRANGE, A LITTLE NERVOUS TONIGHT, BUT IT'S FUNNY. ALL MY LIFE, EVERYTHING I'VE

TONIGHT, BUT IT'S FUNNY. ALL MY LIFE, EVERYTHING I'VE EVER REALLY WANTED, I'VE BEEN

ALL MY LIFE, EVERYTHING I'VE EVER REALLY WANTED, I'VE BEEN ABLE TO GET.

EVER REALLY WANTED, I'VE BEEN ABLE TO GET. I CAN REMEMBER WHEN I WAS A KID,

ABLE TO GET. I CAN REMEMBER WHEN I WAS A KID, GROWING UP IN SAN FRANCISCO...

I CAN REMEMBER WHEN I WAS A KID, GROWING UP IN SAN FRANCISCO... [PIANO PLAYS]

GROWING UP IN SAN FRANCISCO... [PIANO PLAYS] I WANTED TO BE A FOOTBALL

[PIANO PLAYS] I WANTED TO BE A FOOTBALL PLAYER, YOU KNOW?

I WANTED TO BE A FOOTBALL PLAYER, YOU KNOW? BUT I GOT STARTED ON THE WRONG

PLAYER, YOU KNOW? BUT I GOT STARTED ON THE WRONG FOOT.

BUT I GOT STARTED ON THE WRONG FOOT. I WENT TO GALILEO HIGH SCHOOL,

FOOT. I WENT TO GALILEO HIGH SCHOOL, AND IT'S LOCATED IN THE

I WENT TO GALILEO HIGH SCHOOL, AND IT'S LOCATED IN THE NORTH BEACH SECTION OF

AND IT'S LOCATED IN THE NORTH BEACH SECTION OF SAN FRANCISCO...

NORTH BEACH SECTION OF SAN FRANCISCO... [PIANO PLAYS]

SAN FRANCISCO... [PIANO PLAYS] NEXT TO CHINATOWN.

[PIANO PLAYS] NEXT TO CHINATOWN. AND ORIENTALS, THEY'RE SMALL

NEXT TO CHINATOWN. AND ORIENTALS, THEY'RE SMALL PEOPLE.

AND ORIENTALS, THEY'RE SMALL PEOPLE. THEY DON'T MAKE GREAT FOOTBALL

PEOPLE. THEY DON'T MAKE GREAT FOOTBALL PLAYERS.

THEY DON'T MAKE GREAT FOOTBALL PLAYERS. SO I DIDN'T HAVE ANY MAJOR

PLAYERS. SO I DIDN'T HAVE ANY MAJOR COLLEGES RECRUIT ME OUT OF HIGH

SO I DIDN'T HAVE ANY MAJOR COLLEGES RECRUIT ME OUT OF HIGH SCHOOL... NONE AT ALL... BECAUSE

COLLEGES RECRUIT ME OUT OF HIGH SCHOOL... NONE AT ALL... BECAUSE WE DIDN'T WIN ANY FOOTBALL

SCHOOL... NONE AT ALL... BECAUSE WE DIDN'T WIN ANY FOOTBALL GAMES.

WE DIDN'T WIN ANY FOOTBALL GAMES. SO I HAD TO MAKE A DECISION.

GAMES. SO I HAD TO MAKE A DECISION. THIS WAS 1965.

SO I HAD TO MAKE A DECISION. THIS WAS 1965. EITHER I WAS GONNA JOIN THE

THIS WAS 1965. EITHER I WAS GONNA JOIN THE MARINES AND BE LIKE

EITHER I WAS GONNA JOIN THE MARINES AND BE LIKE AUDIE MURPHY.

MARINES AND BE LIKE AUDIE MURPHY. THAT WAS A BIG THING IN OUR

AUDIE MURPHY. THAT WAS A BIG THING IN OUR NEIGHBORHOOD.

THAT WAS A BIG THING IN OUR NEIGHBORHOOD. YOU KNOW, "TO HELL AND BACK" AND

NEIGHBORHOOD. YOU KNOW, "TO HELL AND BACK" AND EVERYTHING.

YOU KNOW, "TO HELL AND BACK" AND EVERYTHING. OR GO TO A JUNIOR COLLEGE.

EVERYTHING. OR GO TO A JUNIOR COLLEGE. WELL, I HAD A FRIEND,

OR GO TO A JUNIOR COLLEGE. WELL, I HAD A FRIEND, RONNIE PATTERSON.

WELL, I HAD A FRIEND, RONNIE PATTERSON. NOW, RONNIE HAD WENT TO THE WAR

RONNIE PATTERSON. NOW, RONNIE HAD WENT TO THE WAR IN, LIKE, '64, AND HE CAME BACK

NOW, RONNIE HAD WENT TO THE WAR IN, LIKE, '64, AND HE CAME BACK THE SUMMER OF '65, AND HE HAD

IN, LIKE, '64, AND HE CAME BACK THE SUMMER OF '65, AND HE HAD LOST A LEG.

THE SUMMER OF '65, AND HE HAD LOST A LEG. SO THE NEXT DAY I HUSTLED TO GET

LOST A LEG. SO THE NEXT DAY I HUSTLED TO GET IN JUNIOR COLLEGE.

SO THE NEXT DAY I HUSTLED TO GET IN JUNIOR COLLEGE. WELL, WHEN I WENT TO JUNIOR

IN JUNIOR COLLEGE. WELL, WHEN I WENT TO JUNIOR COLLEGE, THINGS STARTED GOING

WELL, WHEN I WENT TO JUNIOR COLLEGE, THINGS STARTED GOING REAL WELL FOR ME.

COLLEGE, THINGS STARTED GOING REAL WELL FOR ME. THINGS WENT REAL GOOD, YOU KNOW?

REAL WELL FOR ME. THINGS WENT REAL GOOD, YOU KNOW? I BROKE A LOT OF RECORDS, AND

THINGS WENT REAL GOOD, YOU KNOW? I BROKE A LOT OF RECORDS, AND THE NEXT THING I KNEW, I HAD ALL

I BROKE A LOT OF RECORDS, AND THE NEXT THING I KNEW, I HAD ALL THESE MAJOR COLLEGES TRYING TO

THE NEXT THING I KNEW, I HAD ALL THESE MAJOR COLLEGES TRYING TO RECRUIT ME.

THESE MAJOR COLLEGES TRYING TO RECRUIT ME. THEY WERE OFFERING ME MONEY,

RECRUIT ME. THEY WERE OFFERING ME MONEY, OFFERING ME A CAR.

THEY WERE OFFERING ME MONEY, OFFERING ME A CAR. ONE OFFERED TO BUY MY MOTHER A

OFFERING ME A CAR. ONE OFFERED TO BUY MY MOTHER A NEW HOUSE.

ONE OFFERED TO BUY MY MOTHER A NEW HOUSE. IT WAS AMAZING, BUT THEY HAD NO

NEW HOUSE. IT WAS AMAZING, BUT THEY HAD NO CHANCE BECAUSE IN 1962, I WAS

IT WAS AMAZING, BUT THEY HAD NO CHANCE BECAUSE IN 1962, I WAS WATCHING THE ROSE BOWL.

CHANCE BECAUSE IN 1962, I WAS WATCHING THE ROSE BOWL. I WAS 14, 15 YEARS OLD.

WATCHING THE ROSE BOWL. I WAS 14, 15 YEARS OLD. I THINK WISCONSIN WAS PLAYING

I WAS 14, 15 YEARS OLD. I THINK WISCONSIN WAS PLAYING USC.

I THINK WISCONSIN WAS PLAYING USC. AND EVERY TIME USC SCORED, THIS

USC. AND EVERY TIME USC SCORED, THIS WHITE HORSE CAME RUNNING OUT.

AND EVERY TIME USC SCORED, THIS WHITE HORSE CAME RUNNING OUT. THEY HAD A TROJAN WARRIOR ON THE

WHITE HORSE CAME RUNNING OUT. THEY HAD A TROJAN WARRIOR ON THE TOP OF IT, AND HE HAD THIS

THEY HAD A TROJAN WARRIOR ON THE TOP OF IT, AND HE HAD THIS SWORD.

TOP OF IT, AND HE HAD THIS SWORD. AND I WAS SAYING, "HEY, MAN."

SWORD. AND I WAS SAYING, "HEY, MAN." THAT'S THE SCHOOL I WANTED TO GO

AND I WAS SAYING, "HEY, MAN." THAT'S THE SCHOOL I WANTED TO GO TO.

THAT'S THE SCHOOL I WANTED TO GO TO. WELL, AT THE END OF THE YEAR, WE

TO. WELL, AT THE END OF THE YEAR, WE WERE PLAYING IN A BOWL GAME, A

WELL, AT THE END OF THE YEAR, WE WERE PLAYING IN A BOWL GAME, A BOWL CALLED THE PRUNE BOWL...

WERE PLAYING IN A BOWL GAME, A BOWL CALLED THE PRUNE BOWL... SERIOUSLY.

BOWL CALLED THE PRUNE BOWL... SERIOUSLY. SAN FRANCISCO CITY COLLEGE WAS

SERIOUSLY. SAN FRANCISCO CITY COLLEGE WAS PLAYING LONG BEACH COLLEGE, AND

SAN FRANCISCO CITY COLLEGE WAS PLAYING LONG BEACH COLLEGE, AND IT WAS PLAYED IN SAN JOSE FOR

PLAYING LONG BEACH COLLEGE, AND IT WAS PLAYED IN SAN JOSE FOR THE STATE CHAMPIONSHIP OF JUNIOR

IT WAS PLAYED IN SAN JOSE FOR THE STATE CHAMPIONSHIP OF JUNIOR COLLEGE.

THE STATE CHAMPIONSHIP OF JUNIOR COLLEGE. AND AFTER THE GAME... I WAS

COLLEGE. AND AFTER THE GAME... I WAS PLAYER OF THE GAME.

AND AFTER THE GAME... I WAS PLAYER OF THE GAME. I HAD A BIG GAME, LOT OF

PLAYER OF THE GAME. I HAD A BIG GAME, LOT OF TOUCHDOWNS AND EVERYTHING.

I HAD A BIG GAME, LOT OF TOUCHDOWNS AND EVERYTHING. THIS GUY CAME UP, AND HE SAID,

TOUCHDOWNS AND EVERYTHING. THIS GUY CAME UP, AND HE SAID, "O.J., I'M JIM STANGLEN.

THIS GUY CAME UP, AND HE SAID, "O.J., I'M JIM STANGLEN. I'M THE COACH AT USC.

"O.J., I'M JIM STANGLEN. I'M THE COACH AT USC. SON, HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE A

I'M THE COACH AT USC. SON, HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE A TROJAN?"

SON, HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE A TROJAN?" I HEARD TRUMPETS GO OFF IN MY

TROJAN?" I HEARD TRUMPETS GO OFF IN MY HEAD.

I HEARD TRUMPETS GO OFF IN MY HEAD. [TRUMPET FANFARE PLAYS]

HEAD. [TRUMPET FANFARE PLAYS] [SIGHS]

[TRUMPET FANFARE PLAYS] [SIGHS] I HEARD THOSE TRUMPETS.

[SIGHS] I HEARD THOSE TRUMPETS. [FANFARE CONTINUES]

I HEARD THOSE TRUMPETS. [FANFARE CONTINUES] I WENT TO USC.

[FANFARE CONTINUES] I WENT TO USC. WHEN I GOT TO S.C., NOTHING BUT

I WENT TO USC. WHEN I GOT TO S.C., NOTHING BUT GREAT THINGS HAPPENED FOR ME.

WHEN I GOT TO S.C., NOTHING BUT GREAT THINGS HAPPENED FOR ME. I WON THE HEISMAN TROPHY.

GREAT THINGS HAPPENED FOR ME. I WON THE HEISMAN TROPHY. I MADE ALL-AMERICAN.

I WON THE HEISMAN TROPHY. I MADE ALL-AMERICAN. I RAN ON THE RELAY TEAM THAT

I MADE ALL-AMERICAN. I RAN ON THE RELAY TEAM THAT BROKE A WORLD RECORD.

I RAN ON THE RELAY TEAM THAT BROKE A WORLD RECORD. SO WHEN I GOT OUT OF S.C.,

BROKE A WORLD RECORD. SO WHEN I GOT OUT OF S.C., EVERYBODY LOVED ME.

SO WHEN I GOT OUT OF S.C., EVERYBODY LOVED ME. PEOPLE WERE TELLING THEIR KIDS,

EVERYBODY LOVED ME. PEOPLE WERE TELLING THEIR KIDS, "HEY, GROW UP TO BE LIKE O.J."

PEOPLE WERE TELLING THEIR KIDS, "HEY, GROW UP TO BE LIKE O.J." THEY WERE OFFERING ME

"HEY, GROW UP TO BE LIKE O.J." THEY WERE OFFERING ME COMMERCIALS AND EVERYTHING.

THEY WERE OFFERING ME COMMERCIALS AND EVERYTHING. THEY WERE ASKING MY OPINION OF

COMMERCIALS AND EVERYTHING. THEY WERE ASKING MY OPINION OF THE MIDDLE EAST.

THEY WERE ASKING MY OPINION OF THE MIDDLE EAST. HEY, I HAD BEEN TO DETROIT ONCE

THE MIDDLE EAST. HEY, I HAD BEEN TO DETROIT ONCE OR TWICE.

HEY, I HAD BEEN TO DETROIT ONCE OR TWICE. I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT WAS GOING ON.

OR TWICE. I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT WAS GOING ON. I WAS A FOOTBALL PLAYER, RUNNING

I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT WAS GOING ON. I WAS A FOOTBALL PLAYER, RUNNING THE BALL.

I WAS A FOOTBALL PLAYER, RUNNING THE BALL. WELL, I SIGNED WITH THE

THE BALL. WELL, I SIGNED WITH THE BUFFALO BILLS.

WELL, I SIGNED WITH THE BUFFALO BILLS. [PIANO PLAYS "SHUFFLE OFF TO

BUFFALO BILLS. [PIANO PLAYS "SHUFFLE OFF TO BUFFALO"]

[PIANO PLAYS "SHUFFLE OFF TO BUFFALO"] [SIGHS]

[BUFFALO"] [SIGHS] RIGHT AWAY, THINGS GOT SHAKY.

[SIGHS] RIGHT AWAY, THINGS GOT SHAKY. WHEN I GOT THERE, I COULDN'T

RIGHT AWAY, THINGS GOT SHAKY. WHEN I GOT THERE, I COULDN'T PRACTICE THE FIRST WEEK 'CAUSE

WHEN I GOT THERE, I COULDN'T PRACTICE THE FIRST WEEK 'CAUSE THEY DIDN'T HAVE A HELMET THAT

PRACTICE THE FIRST WEEK 'CAUSE THEY DIDN'T HAVE A HELMET THAT FIT ME.

THEY DIDN'T HAVE A HELMET THAT FIT ME. PROFESSIONAL ORGANIZATION, YOU

FIT ME. PROFESSIONAL ORGANIZATION, YOU KNOW?

PROFESSIONAL ORGANIZATION, YOU KNOW? PEOPLE STARTED ASKING ME, "WHAT

KNOW? PEOPLE STARTED ASKING ME, "WHAT HAPPENED TO O.J.?"

PEOPLE STARTED ASKING ME, "WHAT HAPPENED TO O.J.?" I WENT THREE OR FOUR YEARS, AND

HAPPENED TO O.J.?" I WENT THREE OR FOUR YEARS, AND PEOPLE THOUGHT I HAD RETIRED.

I WENT THREE OR FOUR YEARS, AND PEOPLE THOUGHT I HAD RETIRED. I TELL YOU WHAT.

PEOPLE THOUGHT I HAD RETIRED. I TELL YOU WHAT. THEY WERE SAYING IT WAS THE

I TELL YOU WHAT. THEY WERE SAYING IT WAS THE HEISMAN TROPHY JINX.

THEY WERE SAYING IT WAS THE HEISMAN TROPHY JINX. WELL, IT WAS IN MY FOURTH YEAR

HEISMAN TROPHY JINX. WELL, IT WAS IN MY FOURTH YEAR IN THE LEAGUE.

WELL, IT WAS IN MY FOURTH YEAR IN THE LEAGUE. I WAS AT A CHAPEL SERVICE.

IN THE LEAGUE. I WAS AT A CHAPEL SERVICE. WE PLAY ON SUNDAYS.

I WAS AT A CHAPEL SERVICE. WE PLAY ON SUNDAYS. SO THE GUYS CAN'T GO TO CHURCH.

WE PLAY ON SUNDAYS. SO THE GUYS CAN'T GO TO CHURCH. SO WE ALL GET TOGETHER IN THE

SO THE GUYS CAN'T GO TO CHURCH. SO WE ALL GET TOGETHER IN THE MORNING TO KIND OF RELATE

SO WE ALL GET TOGETHER IN THE MORNING TO KIND OF RELATE EXPERIENCES TO ONE ANOTHER.

MORNING TO KIND OF RELATE EXPERIENCES TO ONE ANOTHER. GENERALLY, WE HAVE A BUSINESSMAN

EXPERIENCES TO ONE ANOTHER. GENERALLY, WE HAVE A BUSINESSMAN WHO WILL COME IN... HE'S NOT A

GENERALLY, WE HAVE A BUSINESSMAN WHO WILL COME IN... HE'S NOT A PREACHER OR ANYTHING... TO TALK

WHO WILL COME IN... HE'S NOT A PREACHER OR ANYTHING... TO TALK TO US, TO RELAY HIS EXPERIENCES.

PREACHER OR ANYTHING... TO TALK TO US, TO RELAY HIS EXPERIENCES. THIS HAPPENED ALL OVER THE

TO US, TO RELAY HIS EXPERIENCES. THIS HAPPENED ALL OVER THE LEAGUE.

THIS HAPPENED ALL OVER THE LEAGUE. WELL, I WENT.

LEAGUE. WELL, I WENT. I COULDN'T SLEEP.

WELL, I WENT. I COULDN'T SLEEP. I WENT TO THE MEETING THAT

I COULDN'T SLEEP. I WENT TO THE MEETING THAT MORNING.

I WENT TO THE MEETING THAT MORNING. I WAS LISTENING KIND OF

MORNING. I WAS LISTENING KIND OF HALFHEARTEDLY.

I WAS LISTENING KIND OF HALFHEARTEDLY. AND THIS GUY STARTED TALKING

HALFHEARTEDLY. AND THIS GUY STARTED TALKING ABOUT FANATICS.

AND THIS GUY STARTED TALKING ABOUT FANATICS. AND HE WAS SAYING THERE'S A LOT

ABOUT FANATICS. AND HE WAS SAYING THERE'S A LOT OF DIFFERENT FANATICS.

AND HE WAS SAYING THERE'S A LOT OF DIFFERENT FANATICS. BUT HE SAID HE HAD A DEFINITION

OF DIFFERENT FANATICS. BUT HE SAID HE HAD A DEFINITION OF A FANATIC... WAS A PERSON WHO

BUT HE SAID HE HAD A DEFINITION OF A FANATIC... WAS A PERSON WHO HAD LOST SIGHT OF HIS GOALS BUT

OF A FANATIC... WAS A PERSON WHO HAD LOST SIGHT OF HIS GOALS BUT WAS DOUBLING THE EFFORT.

HAD LOST SIGHT OF HIS GOALS BUT WAS DOUBLING THE EFFORT. HE WAS RUNNING AROUND, WORKING,

WAS DOUBLING THE EFFORT. HE WAS RUNNING AROUND, WORKING, WORKING, AND JUST SAYING, "HEY,

HE WAS RUNNING AROUND, WORKING, WORKING, AND JUST SAYING, "HEY, I GOT TO DO THIS.

WORKING, AND JUST SAYING, "HEY, I GOT TO DO THIS. I GOT TO DO THAT."

I GOT TO DO THIS. I GOT TO DO THAT." BUT HE HAD NO GOALS HE WAS

I GOT TO DO THAT." BUT HE HAD NO GOALS HE WAS REACHING FOR.

BUT HE HAD NO GOALS HE WAS REACHING FOR. AND I SAT THERE, AND I HAD,

REACHING FOR. AND I SAT THERE, AND I HAD, LIKE, A CHILL GO THROUGH ME,

AND I SAT THERE, AND I HAD, LIKE, A CHILL GO THROUGH ME, BECAUSE I SAID, "HEY, THIS GUY'S

LIKE, A CHILL GO THROUGH ME, BECAUSE I SAID, "HEY, THIS GUY'S TALKING ABOUT ME."

BECAUSE I SAID, "HEY, THIS GUY'S TALKING ABOUT ME." ALL MY LIFE, I WANTED TO BE A

TALKING ABOUT ME." ALL MY LIFE, I WANTED TO BE A FOOTBALL PLAYER.

ALL MY LIFE, I WANTED TO BE A FOOTBALL PLAYER. I WANTED MONEY.

FOOTBALL PLAYER. I WANTED MONEY. I WANTED FAME.

I WANTED MONEY. I WANTED FAME. AND I HAD THOSE THINGS, AND I

I WANTED FAME. AND I HAD THOSE THINGS, AND I HADN'T DONE ANYTHING.

AND I HAD THOSE THINGS, AND I HADN'T DONE ANYTHING. I WAS SITTING AROUND FOR THREE

HADN'T DONE ANYTHING. I WAS SITTING AROUND FOR THREE YEARS.

I WAS SITTING AROUND FOR THREE YEARS. WELL, I WENT BACK TO MY ROOM,

YEARS. WELL, I WENT BACK TO MY ROOM, AND I DON'T KNOW.

WELL, I WENT BACK TO MY ROOM, AND I DON'T KNOW. I WAS SORT OF IN A TRANCE, AND I

AND I DON'T KNOW. I WAS SORT OF IN A TRANCE, AND I SAID, "I'M GONNA SET A GOAL, A

I WAS SORT OF IN A TRANCE, AND I SAID, "I'M GONNA SET A GOAL, A PROFESSIONAL GOAL.

SAID, "I'M GONNA SET A GOAL, A PROFESSIONAL GOAL. I WANT TO BE THE BEST FOOTBALL

PROFESSIONAL GOAL. I WANT TO BE THE BEST FOOTBALL PLAYER IN AMERICA."

I WANT TO BE THE BEST FOOTBALL PLAYER IN AMERICA." WELL, I DIDN'T EXPECT SUCH

PLAYER IN AMERICA." WELL, I DIDN'T EXPECT SUCH IMMEDIATE REACTION.

WELL, I DIDN'T EXPECT SUCH IMMEDIATE REACTION. I WENT OUT AND HAD THE BEST GAME

IMMEDIATE REACTION. I WENT OUT AND HAD THE BEST GAME I HAD EVER HAD AS A PRO.

I WENT OUT AND HAD THE BEST GAME I HAD EVER HAD AS A PRO. THE NEXT WEEK, I HAD MY BEST

I HAD EVER HAD AS A PRO. THE NEXT WEEK, I HAD MY BEST GAME AGAIN, AND THEN THE LAST

THE NEXT WEEK, I HAD MY BEST GAME AGAIN, AND THEN THE LAST WEEK, LARRY BROWN WAS HURT, AND

GAME AGAIN, AND THEN THE LAST WEEK, LARRY BROWN WAS HURT, AND I HAD ANOTHER BIG GAME, AND I

WEEK, LARRY BROWN WAS HURT, AND I HAD ANOTHER BIG GAME, AND I ENDED UP LEADING THE LEAGUE IN

I HAD ANOTHER BIG GAME, AND I ENDED UP LEADING THE LEAGUE IN RUSHING FOR THE FIRST TIME.

ENDED UP LEADING THE LEAGUE IN RUSHING FOR THE FIRST TIME. I GAINED 2,000 YARDS THE NEXT

RUSHING FOR THE FIRST TIME. I GAINED 2,000 YARDS THE NEXT YEAR, AND THEY MADE ME THE

I GAINED 2,000 YARDS THE NEXT YEAR, AND THEY MADE ME THE SUPERSTAR AND RENT-A-CAR, AND

YEAR, AND THEY MADE ME THE SUPERSTAR AND RENT-A-CAR, AND PEOPLE WERE PUTTING ME ON TV AND

SUPERSTAR AND RENT-A-CAR, AND PEOPLE WERE PUTTING ME ON TV AND MOVIES AND EVERYTHING.

PEOPLE WERE PUTTING ME ON TV AND MOVIES AND EVERYTHING. I WAS HAPPY.

MOVIES AND EVERYTHING. I WAS HAPPY. I SAID, "HEY, I'VE MADE IT."

I WAS HAPPY. I SAID, "HEY, I'VE MADE IT." BUT I DON'T KNOW.

I SAID, "HEY, I'VE MADE IT." BUT I DON'T KNOW. I GOT THIS EMPTY FEELING AGAIN,

BUT I DON'T KNOW. I GOT THIS EMPTY FEELING AGAIN, AND I WAS THINKING, "NOW WHAT

I GOT THIS EMPTY FEELING AGAIN, AND I WAS THINKING, "NOW WHAT ELSE IS THERE?"

AND I WAS THINKING, "NOW WHAT ELSE IS THERE?" THEN ONE NIGHT I WAS WATCHING

ELSE IS THERE?" THEN ONE NIGHT I WAS WATCHING TV.

THEN ONE NIGHT I WAS WATCHING TV. I THINK IT WAS RICHARD PRYOR.

TV. I THINK IT WAS RICHARD PRYOR. AND I DIG RICHARD.

I THINK IT WAS RICHARD PRYOR. AND I DIG RICHARD. BUT IT WASN'T RICHARD.

AND I DIG RICHARD. BUT IT WASN'T RICHARD. IT WAS WHAT HE WAS DOING.

BUT IT WASN'T RICHARD. IT WAS WHAT HE WAS DOING. HE WAS HOSTING "SATURDAY NIGHT

IT WAS WHAT HE WAS DOING. HE WAS HOSTING "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE."

HE WAS HOSTING "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE." IT WAS LIKE, "THAT'S IT.

LIVE." IT WAS LIKE, "THAT'S IT. THAT'S... THAT'S WHAT I'VE BEEN

IT WAS LIKE, "THAT'S IT. THAT'S... THAT'S WHAT I'VE BEEN WANTING IS TO HOST THE 'SATURDAY

THAT'S... THAT'S WHAT I'VE BEEN WANTING IS TO HOST THE 'SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE' SHOW."

WANTING IS TO HOST THE 'SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE' SHOW." AND I GOT TO THINKING.

NIGHT LIVE' SHOW." AND I GOT TO THINKING. "WELL, JUICE, MAYBE YOU'VE SET

AND I GOT TO THINKING. "WELL, JUICE, MAYBE YOU'VE SET YOUR GOALS A LITTLE TOO HIGH

"WELL, JUICE, MAYBE YOU'VE SET YOUR GOALS A LITTLE TOO HIGH THIS TIME."

YOUR GOALS A LITTLE TOO HIGH THIS TIME." I SAID, "WHAT THE HELL?

THIS TIME." I SAID, "WHAT THE HELL? HELL, I HAD GOALS BEFORE, AND I

I SAID, "WHAT THE HELL? HELL, I HAD GOALS BEFORE, AND I ATTAINED THOSE GOALS.

HELL, I HAD GOALS BEFORE, AND I ATTAINED THOSE GOALS. WHY WOULD I GIVE UP?

ATTAINED THOSE GOALS. WHY WOULD I GIVE UP? I'LL GIVE IT A SHOT."

WHY WOULD I GIVE UP? I'LL GIVE IT A SHOT." SO I WENT UP, AND I CONCENTRATED

I'LL GIVE IT A SHOT." SO I WENT UP, AND I CONCENTRATED AND I WORKED AND I DID

SO I WENT UP, AND I CONCENTRATED AND I WORKED AND I DID EVERYTHING IN HOPES THAT THEY

AND I WORKED AND I DID EVERYTHING IN HOPES THAT THEY WOULD ASK ME TO HOST "SATURDAY

EVERYTHING IN HOPES THAT THEY WOULD ASK ME TO HOST "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE."

WOULD ASK ME TO HOST "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE." THEY FINALLY CALLED, AND HERE I

NIGHT LIVE." THEY FINALLY CALLED, AND HERE I AM NOW.

THEY FINALLY CALLED, AND HERE I AM NOW. I DON'T KNOW IF I'M GONNA BE MAN

AM NOW. I DON'T KNOW IF I'M GONNA BE MAN ENOUGH TONIGHT TO MEET THIS

I DON'T KNOW IF I'M GONNA BE MAN ENOUGH TONIGHT TO MEET THIS CHALLENGE.

ENOUGH TONIGHT TO MEET THIS CHALLENGE. I JUST HOPE THAT IF I DON'T MEET

CHALLENGE. I JUST HOPE THAT IF I DON'T MEET IT TONIGHT AND HAVE TO GO BACK

I JUST HOPE THAT IF I DON'T MEET IT TONIGHT AND HAVE TO GO BACK TO BEING JUST A REGULAR

IT TONIGHT AND HAVE TO GO BACK TO BEING JUST A REGULAR SUPERSTAR ATHLETE/MOVIE STAR

TO BEING JUST A REGULAR SUPERSTAR ATHLETE/MOVIE STAR THAT YOU PEOPLE WILL REMEMBER ME

SUPERSTAR ATHLETE/MOVIE STAR THAT YOU PEOPLE WILL REMEMBER ME FOR WHAT I WAS AND NOT WHAT I

THAT YOU PEOPLE WILL REMEMBER ME FOR WHAT I WAS AND NOT WHAT I MAY BECOME HERE TONIGHT.

FOR WHAT I WAS AND NOT WHAT I MAY BECOME HERE TONIGHT. SO I'M READY.

MAY BECOME HERE TONIGHT. SO I'M READY. I HOPE YOU'RE READY.

SO I'M READY. I HOPE YOU'RE READY. I'M GONNA GO OUT HERE AND GET

I HOPE YOU'RE READY. I'M GONNA GO OUT HERE AND GET READY.

I'M GONNA GO OUT HERE AND GET READY. WHY DON'T YOU GO HAVE A BEER?

READY. WHY DON'T YOU GO HAVE A BEER? WE'LL BE BACK IN A MINUTE ON

WHY DON'T YOU GO HAVE A BEER? WE'LL BE BACK IN A MINUTE ON "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE."

WE'LL BE BACK IN A MINUTE ON "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE." [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

"SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE." [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] [PIANO PLAYS]

OKAY, EVERYBODY, LET'S EAT. THIS IS THE THIRD TIME THIS WEEK WE'VE HAD SPAGHETTI.

THIS IS THE THIRD TIME THIS WEEK WE'VE HAD SPAGHETTI. I HATE BEING POOR AND ITALIAN.

WEEK WE'VE HAD SPAGHETTI. I HATE BEING POOR AND ITALIAN. ALL WE GET TO EAT IS SPAGHETTI.

I HATE BEING POOR AND ITALIAN. ALL WE GET TO EAT IS SPAGHETTI. WHY THE HELL CAN'T WE EAT

ALL WE GET TO EAT IS SPAGHETTI. WHY THE HELL CAN'T WE EAT SOMETHING ELSE?

WHY THE HELL CAN'T WE EAT SOMETHING ELSE? WELL, WHY CAN'T YOU GET A

SOMETHING ELSE? WELL, WHY CAN'T YOU GET A JOB, HUH?

WELL, WHY CAN'T YOU GET A JOB, HUH? THIS STUFF IS LOUSY.

JOB, HUH? THIS STUFF IS LOUSY. I CAN'T EAT IT.

THIS STUFF IS LOUSY. I CAN'T EAT IT. I CAN'T EAT THIS STUFF.

I CAN'T EAT IT. I CAN'T EAT THIS STUFF. SO DON'T.

I CAN'T EAT THIS STUFF. SO DON'T. YOU WANT TO EAT FANCY?

SO DON'T. YOU WANT TO EAT FANCY? WORK!

YOU WANT TO EAT FANCY? WORK! SO GET OFF MY BACK, HUH?

WORK! SO GET OFF MY BACK, HUH? WHERE'S TONY?

SO GET OFF MY BACK, HUH? WHERE'S TONY? HE SAID HE'S NOT HUNGRY.

WHERE'S TONY? HE SAID HE'S NOT HUNGRY. HE'S UPSTAIRS DRESSING.

HE SAID HE'S NOT HUNGRY. HE'S UPSTAIRS DRESSING. HE BOUGHT A NEW SHIRT.

HE'S UPSTAIRS DRESSING. HE BOUGHT A NEW SHIRT. HE'S GOING DANCING.

HE BOUGHT A NEW SHIRT. HE'S GOING DANCING. HE'S GOING DANCING, HUH?

HE'S GOING DANCING. HE'S GOING DANCING, HUH? THAT'S ALL HE THINKS ABOUT...

HE'S GOING DANCING, HUH? THAT'S ALL HE THINKS ABOUT... DANCING, DANCING.

THAT'S ALL HE THINKS ABOUT... DANCING, DANCING. IT COSTS MONEY TO GO DANCING,

DANCING, DANCING. IT COSTS MONEY TO GO DANCING, HONEY.

IT COSTS MONEY TO GO DANCING, HONEY. HE'S GOT A JOB.

HONEY. HE'S GOT A JOB. HE'S MAKING MORE THAN YOU.

HE'S GOT A JOB. HE'S MAKING MORE THAN YOU. WHAT DO YOU GOT TO PUT ME

HE'S MAKING MORE THAN YOU. WHAT DO YOU GOT TO PUT ME DOWN FOR, HUH, WOMAN?

WHAT DO YOU GOT TO PUT ME DOWN FOR, HUH, WOMAN? HUH?

DOWN FOR, HUH, WOMAN? HUH? THIS IS STILL MY HOUSE, ISN'T

HUH? THIS IS STILL MY HOUSE, ISN'T IT, YOU LITTLE TRAMP, HUH?

THIS IS STILL MY HOUSE, ISN'T IT, YOU LITTLE TRAMP, HUH? HOW'S IT LOOK?

IT, YOU LITTLE TRAMP, HUH? HOW'S IT LOOK? IT LOOKS PRETTY GOOD, DOESN'T

HOW'S IT LOOK? IT LOOKS PRETTY GOOD, DOESN'T IT?

IT LOOKS PRETTY GOOD, DOESN'T IT? SORRY. I'M SORRY.

IT? SORRY. I'M SORRY. THE KID'S A MAVERICK, I TELL

SORRY. I'M SORRY. THE KID'S A MAVERICK, I TELL YOU, A BAD SEED.

THE KID'S A MAVERICK, I TELL YOU, A BAD SEED. HE'S NO LIKE JOE.

YOU, A BAD SEED. HE'S NO LIKE JOE. IT'S JUST A STAGE.

HE'S NO LIKE JOE. IT'S JUST A STAGE. HE'LL GET OVER IT.

IT'S JUST A STAGE. HE'LL GET OVER IT. YEAH, BUT IT STILL DON'T MEAN

HE'LL GET OVER IT. YEAH, BUT IT STILL DON'T MEAN HE SHOULDN'T BE HERE WHEN THE

YEAH, BUT IT STILL DON'T MEAN HE SHOULDN'T BE HERE WHEN THE FAMILY EATS.

HE SHOULDN'T BE HERE WHEN THE FAMILY EATS. HEY!

FAMILY EATS. HEY! TONY, GET DOWN HERE!

HEY! TONY, GET DOWN HERE! [THE BEE GEES' "NIGHT FEVER"

TONY, GET DOWN HERE! [THE BEE GEES' "NIGHT FEVER" PLAYS]

[THE BEE GEES' "NIGHT FEVER" PLAYS] Announcer: AND NOW ANOTHER

[PLAYS] Announcer: AND NOW ANOTHER EPISODE OF...

♪ CITY WOMAN, SHE MOVES THROUGH THE NIGHT ♪ ♪ CONTROLLING MY MIND

SHE MOVES THROUGH THE NIGHT ♪ ♪ CONTROLLING MY MIND AND MY SOUL ♪

♪ CONTROLLING MY MIND AND MY SOUL ♪ ♪ WHEN YOU REACH OUT FOR ME,

AND MY SOUL ♪ ♪ WHEN YOU REACH OUT FOR ME, AND THE FEELING IS BRIGHT ♪

♪ WHEN YOU REACH OUT FOR ME, AND THE FEELING IS BRIGHT ♪ ♪ NIGHT FEVER, NIGHT FEVER,

AND THE FEELING IS BRIGHT ♪ ♪ NIGHT FEVER, NIGHT FEVER, WE KNOW HOW TO DO IT ♪

♪ NIGHT FEVER, NIGHT FEVER, WE KNOW HOW TO DO IT ♪ HEY!

WE KNOW HOW TO DO IT ♪ HEY! DID YOU HEAR ME?

HEY! DID YOU HEAR ME? GET DOWN HERE AND STEP ON IT!

DID YOU HEAR ME? GET DOWN HERE AND STEP ON IT! JOE'S GONNA BE HERE TODAY!

GET DOWN HERE AND STEP ON IT! JOE'S GONNA BE HERE TODAY! ISN'T THAT GREAT?

JOE'S GONNA BE HERE TODAY! ISN'T THAT GREAT? OH, MAYBE HE'LL TALK TO TONY.

ISN'T THAT GREAT? OH, MAYBE HE'LL TALK TO TONY. MAYBE HE'LL STRAIGHTEN HIM OUT.

OH, MAYBE HE'LL TALK TO TONY. MAYBE HE'LL STRAIGHTEN HIM OUT. YOU NEED A PRETTY POWERFUL

MAYBE HE'LL STRAIGHTEN HIM OUT. YOU NEED A PRETTY POWERFUL STARCH TO STRAIGHTEN THAT LITTLE

YOU NEED A PRETTY POWERFUL STARCH TO STRAIGHTEN THAT LITTLE BRAT OUT.

STARCH TO STRAIGHTEN THAT LITTLE BRAT OUT. MR. PRETTY BOY.

BRAT OUT. MR. PRETTY BOY. MR. OH, BOY, I LOOK SO GOOD.

MR. PRETTY BOY. MR. OH, BOY, I LOOK SO GOOD. IT'S JUST A PHASE, I TELL-A

MR. OH, BOY, I LOOK SO GOOD. IT'S JUST A PHASE, I TELL-A YOU.

IT'S JUST A PHASE, I TELL-A YOU. YEAH.

YOU. YEAH. HEY!

YEAH. HEY! JOE'S A-COMING HOME TODAY!

HEY! JOE'S A-COMING HOME TODAY! [IMITATING JOHN TRAVOLTA]

JOE'S A-COMING HOME TODAY! [IMITATING JOHN TRAVOLTA] WHAT'S WITH...

[IMITATING JOHN TRAVOLTA] WHAT'S WITH... WHY THE HELL CAN'T YOU EAT LIKE

WHAT'S WITH... WHY THE HELL CAN'T YOU EAT LIKE EVERYBODY ELSE?

WHY THE HELL CAN'T YOU EAT LIKE EVERYBODY ELSE? AND DON'T YOU TALK THAT WAY IN

EVERYBODY ELSE? AND DON'T YOU TALK THAT WAY IN MY HOUSE.

AND DON'T YOU TALK THAT WAY IN MY HOUSE. YOU DON'T TALK ABOUT JOE LIKE

MY HOUSE. YOU DON'T TALK ABOUT JOE LIKE THAT.

YOU DON'T TALK ABOUT JOE LIKE THAT. YOU'RE SO JEALOUS OF YOUR

THAT. YOU'RE SO JEALOUS OF YOUR BROTHER.

YOU'RE SO JEALOUS OF YOUR BROTHER. HE STUDIED TO MAKE SOMETHING OF

BROTHER. HE STUDIED TO MAKE SOMETHING OF HIMSELF, BUSTER.

HE STUDIED TO MAKE SOMETHING OF HIMSELF, BUSTER. HE HAD A GOAL!

HIMSELF, BUSTER. HE HAD A GOAL! NOT LIKE YOU.

HE HAD A GOAL! NOT LIKE YOU. JOE'S MORE THAN JUST A PRIEST,

NOT LIKE YOU. JOE'S MORE THAN JUST A PRIEST, YOU KNOW.

JOE'S MORE THAN JUST A PRIEST, YOU KNOW. HE MAKES YOUR MOM AND ME REAL

YOU KNOW. HE MAKES YOUR MOM AND ME REAL PROUD.

HE MAKES YOUR MOM AND ME REAL PROUD. TELL YOU THAT.

PROUD. TELL YOU THAT. WHY YOU CAN'T BE LIKE JOE, I

TELL YOU THAT. WHY YOU CAN'T BE LIKE JOE, I DON'T KNOW.

WHY YOU CAN'T BE LIKE JOE, I DON'T KNOW. LOOK AT YOUR HAIR.

DON'T KNOW. LOOK AT YOUR HAIR. LOOK AT YOUR HAIR!

LOOK AT YOUR HAIR. LOOK AT YOUR HAIR! MY HAIR, HUH?!

LOOK AT YOUR HAIR! MY HAIR, HUH?! WHAT'S WRONG WITH MY HAIR!

MY HAIR, HUH?! WHAT'S WRONG WITH MY HAIR! WHAT'S WRONG WITH MY HAIR, HUH?

WHAT'S WRONG WITH MY HAIR! WHAT'S WRONG WITH MY HAIR, HUH? WHAT'S WRONG, HUH?

WHAT'S WRONG WITH MY HAIR, HUH? WHAT'S WRONG, HUH? [MUMBLING]

WHAT'S WRONG, HUH? [MUMBLING] YEAH, WELL, YOU GOT TOMATO

[MUMBLING] YEAH, WELL, YOU GOT TOMATO SAUCE ON YOUR FACE.

YEAH, WELL, YOU GOT TOMATO SAUCE ON YOUR FACE. JOE MAKE-A ME SO PROUD.

SAUCE ON YOUR FACE. JOE MAKE-A ME SO PROUD. HE'S GONNA BE HOME TODAY.

JOE MAKE-A ME SO PROUD. HE'S GONNA BE HOME TODAY. IT'S JUST A PHASE.

HE'S GONNA BE HOME TODAY. IT'S JUST A PHASE. HE'S A NO-GOOD KID...

IT'S JUST A PHASE. HE'S A NO-GOOD KID... DANCING, DANCING.

HE'S A NO-GOOD KID... DANCING, DANCING. ALL HE WANTS TO DO IS DANCING.

DANCING, DANCING. ALL HE WANTS TO DO IS DANCING. I HOPE NOBODY TELLS HIM HE'S GOT

ALL HE WANTS TO DO IS DANCING. I HOPE NOBODY TELLS HIM HE'S GOT TOMATO SAUCE ALL OVER HIS CHIN.

I HOPE NOBODY TELLS HIM HE'S GOT TOMATO SAUCE ALL OVER HIS CHIN. HEY!

TOMATO SAUCE ALL OVER HIS CHIN. HEY! TONY!

HEY! TONY! YOU'RE LOOKING GOOD, KID.

TONY! YOU'RE LOOKING GOOD, KID. ARE THEY STILL GIVING YOU A HARD

YOU'RE LOOKING GOOD, KID. ARE THEY STILL GIVING YOU A HARD TIME?

ARE THEY STILL GIVING YOU A HARD TIME? [MUMBLING]

TIME? [MUMBLING] WELL, YOU MAY NOT BE THE ONLY

[MUMBLING] WELL, YOU MAY NOT BE THE ONLY BAD BOY AROUND HERE, SOON.

WELL, YOU MAY NOT BE THE ONLY BAD BOY AROUND HERE, SOON. HEY, TONY, I'M REAL UNHAPPY,

BAD BOY AROUND HERE, SOON. HEY, TONY, I'M REAL UNHAPPY, MAN.

HEY, TONY, I'M REAL UNHAPPY, MAN. I KNOW MOM AND PA, THEY'RE PROUD

MAN. I KNOW MOM AND PA, THEY'RE PROUD OF ME AND ALL, BUT HEY, I GOT TO

I KNOW MOM AND PA, THEY'RE PROUD OF ME AND ALL, BUT HEY, I GOT TO LIVE FOR MYSELF.

OF ME AND ALL, BUT HEY, I GOT TO LIVE FOR MYSELF. I GOT TO DO WHAT'S RIGHT FOR ME.

LIVE FOR MYSELF. I GOT TO DO WHAT'S RIGHT FOR ME. I CAN'T LIVE FOR THEM.

I GOT TO DO WHAT'S RIGHT FOR ME. I CAN'T LIVE FOR THEM. I THINK I'M GONNA TELL THEM

I CAN'T LIVE FOR THEM. I THINK I'M GONNA TELL THEM TOMORROW MORNING.

I THINK I'M GONNA TELL THEM TOMORROW MORNING. [MUMBLING]

TOMORROW MORNING. [MUMBLING] HEY, TONY...

[MUMBLING] HEY, TONY... I JUST DON'T WANT TO BE BLACK NO

HEY, TONY... I JUST DON'T WANT TO BE BLACK NO MORE.

I JUST DON'T WANT TO BE BLACK NO MORE. OH, HO-HO!

MORE. OH, HO-HO! OH, NO, NO, NO.

OH, HO-HO! OH, NO, NO, NO. THAT'S NOT WHAT I'M SAYING.

OH, NO, NO, NO. THAT'S NOT WHAT I'M SAYING. IT'S JUST THAT BACK IN THE '60s,

THAT'S NOT WHAT I'M SAYING. IT'S JUST THAT BACK IN THE '60s, IT SEEMED LIKE THE HIP THING TO

IT'S JUST THAT BACK IN THE '60s, IT SEEMED LIKE THE HIP THING TO DO, BEING A MEMBER OF THE

IT SEEMED LIKE THE HIP THING TO DO, BEING A MEMBER OF THE DOWNTRODDEN SOCIETY AND ALL.

DO, BEING A MEMBER OF THE DOWNTRODDEN SOCIETY AND ALL. BUT HEY... PEOPLE, THEY JUST

DOWNTRODDEN SOCIETY AND ALL. BUT HEY... PEOPLE, THEY JUST DON'T CARE ABOUT THE CAUSE

BUT HEY... PEOPLE, THEY JUST DON'T CARE ABOUT THE CAUSE ANYMORE.

DON'T CARE ABOUT THE CAUSE ANYMORE. AND YOU KNOW WHO'S SUFFERING FOR

ANYMORE. AND YOU KNOW WHO'S SUFFERING FOR IT?

AND YOU KNOW WHO'S SUFFERING FOR IT? I AM.

IT? I AM. PLUS, I COULD NEVER GET THAT

I AM. PLUS, I COULD NEVER GET THAT WALK DOWN.

PLUS, I COULD NEVER GET THAT WALK DOWN. HEY.

WALK DOWN. HEY. OH, I DON'T KNOW.

HEY. OH, I DON'T KNOW. I GOT TO THINK ABOUT IT.

OH, I DON'T KNOW. I GOT TO THINK ABOUT IT. HEY.

I GOT TO THINK ABOUT IT. HEY. NO, I'VE NEVER BEEN MUCH FOR

HEY. NO, I'VE NEVER BEEN MUCH FOR DANCING.

NO, I'VE NEVER BEEN MUCH FOR DANCING. NO, NO, NO!

DANCING. NO, NO, NO! I'LL GO, I'LL GO.

NO, NO, NO! I'LL GO, I'LL GO. IT MAY DO ME SOME GOOD, HUH?

I'LL GO, I'LL GO. IT MAY DO ME SOME GOOD, HUH? ♪ BURN, BABY, BURN ♪

IT MAY DO ME SOME GOOD, HUH? ♪ BURN, BABY, BURN ♪ ♪ BURN, BABY, BURN ♪

♪ BURN, BABY, BURN ♪ ♪ BURN, BABY, BURN ♪ ♪ TO MY SURPRISE

♪ BURN, BABY, BURN ♪ ♪ TO MY SURPRISE ONE HUNDRED STORIES HIGH ♪

♪ TO MY SURPRISE ONE HUNDRED STORIES HIGH ♪ OKAY.

ONE HUNDRED STORIES HIGH ♪ OKAY. WE'LL GIVE VINNIE 10 MORE

OKAY. WE'LL GIVE VINNIE 10 MORE MINUTES IN THE CAR, THEN YOU GET

WE'LL GIVE VINNIE 10 MORE MINUTES IN THE CAR, THEN YOU GET YOUR TURN WITH MARIA.

MINUTES IN THE CAR, THEN YOU GET YOUR TURN WITH MARIA. HEY!

YOUR TURN WITH MARIA. HEY! HEY, TONY.

HEY! HEY, TONY. HEY.

HEY, TONY. HEY. SURE, I KNOW YOUR BROTHER,

HEY. SURE, I KNOW YOUR BROTHER, JOE.

SURE, I KNOW YOUR BROTHER, JOE. HOW ARE YOU?

JOE. HOW ARE YOU? THIS IS CARMINE.

HOW ARE YOU? THIS IS CARMINE. HEY, JOE.

THIS IS CARMINE. HEY, JOE. HEY, JOE, YOU LOOK DIFFERENT

HEY, JOE. HEY, JOE, YOU LOOK DIFFERENT TONIGHT.

HEY, JOE, YOU LOOK DIFFERENT TONIGHT. I'M NOT BLACK ANYMORE.

TONIGHT. I'M NOT BLACK ANYMORE. HI.

I'M NOT BLACK ANYMORE. HI. TONY, YOU WANT TO DANCE?

HI. TONY, YOU WANT TO DANCE? [SCOFFS]

TONY, YOU WANT TO DANCE? [SCOFFS] HEY!

[SCOFFS] HEY! HEY, WOW, DO YOU WANT TO

HEY! HEY, WOW, DO YOU WANT TO DANCE WITH ME?

HEY, WOW, DO YOU WANT TO DANCE WITH ME? I'M NOT VERY GOOD.

DANCE WITH ME? I'M NOT VERY GOOD. OH, COME ON.

I'M NOT VERY GOOD. OH, COME ON. I'LL SHOW YOU.

OH, COME ON. I'LL SHOW YOU. [MUMBLING]

I'LL SHOW YOU. [MUMBLING] ALL RIGHT.

[MUMBLING] ALL RIGHT. WILL I SEE YOU LATER, TONY?

ALL RIGHT. WILL I SEE YOU LATER, TONY? HEY!

WILL I SEE YOU LATER, TONY? HEY! THIS IS THE LIFE... TO BE

HEY! THIS IS THE LIFE... TO BE YOUNG, STUPID, AND HAVE NO

THIS IS THE LIFE... TO BE YOUNG, STUPID, AND HAVE NO FUTURE AT ALL.

YOUNG, STUPID, AND HAVE NO FUTURE AT ALL. I LOVE BROOKLYN!

FUTURE AT ALL. I LOVE BROOKLYN! HEY, TONY, YOU GONNA DANCE

I LOVE BROOKLYN! HEY, TONY, YOU GONNA DANCE TONIGHT, TONY?

HEY, TONY, YOU GONNA DANCE TONIGHT, TONY? YOUR BROTHER'S DOING PRETTY GOOD

TONIGHT, TONY? YOUR BROTHER'S DOING PRETTY GOOD WITH THE CHICKS, AND HE DANCES

YOUR BROTHER'S DOING PRETTY GOOD WITH THE CHICKS, AND HE DANCES GOOD, TOO.

WITH THE CHICKS, AND HE DANCES GOOD, TOO. HEY.

GOOD, TOO. HEY. [INTRO TO "STAYIN' ALIVE"

HEY. [INTRO TO "STAYIN' ALIVE" PLAYS]

[INTRO TO "STAYIN' ALIVE" PLAYS] [ALL CLAMORING]

♪ MUSIC LOUD AND WOMEN WARM, I'VE BEEN KICKED AROUND SINCE I WAS BORN ♪

I'VE BEEN KICKED AROUND SINCE I WAS BORN ♪ ♪ AND NOW IT'S ALL RIGHT,

SINCE I WAS BORN ♪ ♪ AND NOW IT'S ALL RIGHT, IT'S OKAY,

♪ AND NOW IT'S ALL RIGHT, IT'S OKAY, YOU MAY LOOK THE OTHER WAY ♪

IT'S OKAY, YOU MAY LOOK THE OTHER WAY ♪ ♪ AND WE CAN TRY TO UNDERSTAND

YOU MAY LOOK THE OTHER WAY ♪ ♪ AND WE CAN TRY TO UNDERSTAND THE NEW YORK TIMES'

♪ AND WE CAN TRY TO UNDERSTAND THE NEW YORK TIMES' EFFECT ON MAN ♪

THE NEW YORK TIMES' EFFECT ON MAN ♪ ♪ WHETHER YOU'RE A BROTHER

EFFECT ON MAN ♪ ♪ WHETHER YOU'RE A BROTHER OR WHETHER YOU'RE A MOTHER,

♪ WHETHER YOU'RE A BROTHER OR WHETHER YOU'RE A MOTHER, YOU'RE STAYIN' ALIVE,

OR WHETHER YOU'RE A MOTHER, YOU'RE STAYIN' ALIVE, STAYIN' ALIVE ♪

YOU'RE STAYIN' ALIVE, STAYIN' ALIVE ♪ ♪ FEEL THE CITY BREAKIN'

STAYIN' ALIVE ♪ ♪ FEEL THE CITY BREAKIN' AND EVERYBODY SHAKIN',

♪ FEEL THE CITY BREAKIN' AND EVERYBODY SHAKIN', WE'RE STAYIN' ALIVE,

AND EVERYBODY SHAKIN', WE'RE STAYIN' ALIVE, STAYIN ALIVE ♪

WE'RE STAYIN' ALIVE, STAYIN ALIVE ♪ ♪ AH-AH-AH-AH,

STAYIN ALIVE ♪ ♪ AH-AH-AH-AH, STAYIN' ALIVE, STAYIN' ALIVE ♪

♪ AH-AH-AH-AH, STAYIN' ALIVE, STAYIN' ALIVE ♪ ♪ AH-AH-AH-AH,

STAYIN' ALIVE, STAYIN' ALIVE ♪ ♪ AH-AH-AH-AH, STAYIN' ALI-I-I-I-I-VE ♪

♪ AH-AH-AH-AH, STAYIN' ALI-I-I-I-I-VE ♪ ♪ OH ♪

STAYIN' ALI-I-I-I-I-VE ♪ ♪ OH ♪ ♪ WELL, NOW I GET LOW

♪ OH ♪ ♪ WELL, NOW I GET LOW AND I GET HIGH ♪

♪ WELL, NOW I GET LOW AND I GET HIGH ♪ ♪ AND IF I CAN'T GET EITHER

AND I GET HIGH ♪ ♪ AND IF I CAN'T GET EITHER I REALLY TRY ♪

♪ AND IF I CAN'T GET EITHER I REALLY TRY ♪ ♪ GOT THE WINGS OF HEAVEN

I REALLY TRY ♪ ♪ GOT THE WINGS OF HEAVEN ON MY SHOES ♪

♪ GOT THE WINGS OF HEAVEN ON MY SHOES ♪ ♪ I'M A DANCIN' MAN ♪

ON MY SHOES ♪ ♪ I'M A DANCIN' MAN ♪ ♪ I JUST CAN'T LOSE ♪

♪ I'M A DANCIN' MAN ♪ ♪ I JUST CAN'T LOSE ♪ ♪ NOW IT'S ALL RIGHT,

♪ I JUST CAN'T LOSE ♪ ♪ NOW IT'S ALL RIGHT, IT'S OKAY,

♪ NOW IT'S ALL RIGHT, IT'S OKAY, I'LL LIVE TO SEE ANOTHER DAY ♪

IT'S OKAY, I'LL LIVE TO SEE ANOTHER DAY ♪ ♪ AND WE CAN TRY

I'LL LIVE TO SEE ANOTHER DAY ♪ ♪ AND WE CAN TRY TO UNDERSTAND... ♪

♪ AND WE CAN TRY TO UNDERSTAND... ♪ Announcer: TUNE IN NEXT WEEK

TO UNDERSTAND... ♪ Announcer: TUNE IN NEXT WEEK FOR ANOTHER EPISODE OF...

♪ AH-AH-AH-AH, STAYIN' ALIVE, STAYIN' ALIVE ♪

[PIANO PLAYS]

HELLO. AS A KID, I HAD MANY IDOLS. MEN LIKE JACKIE ROBINSON AND

AS A KID, I HAD MANY IDOLS. MEN LIKE JACKIE ROBINSON AND WILLIE MAYS INSPIRED ME.

MEN LIKE JACKIE ROBINSON AND WILLIE MAYS INSPIRED ME. BUT PROBABLY AMERICA'S GREATEST

WILLIE MAYS INSPIRED ME. BUT PROBABLY AMERICA'S GREATEST HERO WAS THE LEGENDARY

BUT PROBABLY AMERICA'S GREATEST HERO WAS THE LEGENDARY GEORGE HERMAN "BABE" RUTH.

HERO WAS THE LEGENDARY GEORGE HERMAN "BABE" RUTH. BORN IN 1895, THE BABE GREW UP

GEORGE HERMAN "BABE" RUTH. BORN IN 1895, THE BABE GREW UP TO BECOME THE NEW YORK YANKEES'

BORN IN 1895, THE BABE GREW UP TO BECOME THE NEW YORK YANKEES' SULTAN OF SWAT, AS WELL AS THE

TO BECOME THE NEW YORK YANKEES' SULTAN OF SWAT, AS WELL AS THE GAME'S MOST EXCITING PLAYER.

SULTAN OF SWAT, AS WELL AS THE GAME'S MOST EXCITING PLAYER. THE BABE LOVED EVERYONE, BUT THE

GAME'S MOST EXCITING PLAYER. THE BABE LOVED EVERYONE, BUT THE FANS HE CARED THE MOST ABOUT WAS

THE BABE LOVED EVERYONE, BUT THE FANS HE CARED THE MOST ABOUT WAS AMERICA'S KIDS.

FANS HE CARED THE MOST ABOUT WAS AMERICA'S KIDS. AND THE BABE ALWAYS TRIED TO

AMERICA'S KIDS. AND THE BABE ALWAYS TRIED TO RETURN THEIR LOVE, LIKE THE TIME

AND THE BABE ALWAYS TRIED TO RETURN THEIR LOVE, LIKE THE TIME IN A NEW YORK HOSPITAL, ALMOST

RETURN THEIR LOVE, LIKE THE TIME IN A NEW YORK HOSPITAL, ALMOST FORTY YEARS AGO...

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR COMING, MR. RUTH. YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW MUCH THIS

MR. RUTH. YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW MUCH THIS WILL MEAN TO HIM.

YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW MUCH THIS WILL MEAN TO HIM. HE'S YOUR BIGGEST FAN, BABE.

WILL MEAN TO HIM. HE'S YOUR BIGGEST FAN, BABE. HE LISTENS TO ALL THE YANKEE

HE'S YOUR BIGGEST FAN, BABE. HE LISTENS TO ALL THE YANKEE GAMES ON THE RADIO.

HE LISTENS TO ALL THE YANKEE GAMES ON THE RADIO. WELL, THAT'S NICE TO HEAR.

GAMES ON THE RADIO. WELL, THAT'S NICE TO HEAR. I LIKE KIDS.

WELL, THAT'S NICE TO HEAR. I LIKE KIDS. I WAS AN ORPHAN MYSELF.

I LIKE KIDS. I WAS AN ORPHAN MYSELF. I'M SENSITIVE TO THEIR NEEDS.

I WAS AN ORPHAN MYSELF. I'M SENSITIVE TO THEIR NEEDS. AAAHHHH!

I'M SENSITIVE TO THEIR NEEDS. AAAHHHH! HOW'S THE LITTLE COLORED

AAAHHHH! HOW'S THE LITTLE COLORED FELLA, ANYWAY?

HOW'S THE LITTLE COLORED FELLA, ANYWAY? WELL... I'LL TELL YOU.

FELLA, ANYWAY? WELL... I'LL TELL YOU. HE'S, UH, HE'S A PRETTY SICK

WELL... I'LL TELL YOU. HE'S, UH, HE'S A PRETTY SICK BOY.

HE'S, UH, HE'S A PRETTY SICK BOY. IN FACT, EVEN HE DOESN'T KNOW

BOY. IN FACT, EVEN HE DOESN'T KNOW HOW SICK HE IS.

IN FACT, EVEN HE DOESN'T KNOW HOW SICK HE IS. BUT WE THINK HE COULD PULL

HOW SICK HE IS. BUT WE THINK HE COULD PULL THROUGH IF WE JUST KEEP HIS

BUT WE THINK HE COULD PULL THROUGH IF WE JUST KEEP HIS SPIRITS UP.

THROUGH IF WE JUST KEEP HIS SPIRITS UP. AND YOU'RE JUST THE PERSON WHO

SPIRITS UP. AND YOU'RE JUST THE PERSON WHO COULD DO IT.

AND YOU'RE JUST THE PERSON WHO COULD DO IT. YOU KNOW, I THINK HE'S WAKING

COULD DO IT. YOU KNOW, I THINK HE'S WAKING UP NOW.

YOU KNOW, I THINK HE'S WAKING UP NOW. HEY, LITTLE GUY.

UP NOW. HEY, LITTLE GUY. YOU HAVE A VISITOR.

HEY, LITTLE GUY. YOU HAVE A VISITOR. OH!

YOU HAVE A VISITOR. OH! IT'S THE BABE!

OH! IT'S THE BABE! WOW!

IT'S THE BABE! WOW! HIYA, KID!

WOW! HIYA, KID! HOW ARE YOU?

HIYA, KID! HOW ARE YOU? GEE, YOU CAME TO SEE ME,

HOW ARE YOU? GEE, YOU CAME TO SEE ME, BABE!

GEE, YOU CAME TO SEE ME, BABE! I THINK IT'S HELPING ALREADY.

BABE! I THINK IT'S HELPING ALREADY. HERE, KID.

I THINK IT'S HELPING ALREADY. HERE, KID. I BOUGHT YOU A PRESENT.

HERE, KID. I BOUGHT YOU A PRESENT. THERE YOU GO.

I BOUGHT YOU A PRESENT. THERE YOU GO. GEE! THANKS, BABE!

THERE YOU GO. GEE! THANKS, BABE! WELL, WE GOT A GAME AGAINST

GEE! THANKS, BABE! WELL, WE GOT A GAME AGAINST CLEVELAND THIS AFTERNOON.

WELL, WE GOT A GAME AGAINST CLEVELAND THIS AFTERNOON. I BETTER BE GOING TO THE

CLEVELAND THIS AFTERNOON. I BETTER BE GOING TO THE STADIUM.

I BETTER BE GOING TO THE STADIUM. AH, TAKE IT EASY, KID.

STADIUM. AH, TAKE IT EASY, KID. MR. RUTH, THANK YOU SO MUCH

AH, TAKE IT EASY, KID. MR. RUTH, THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR STOPPING BY.

MR. RUTH, THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR STOPPING BY. YES.

FOR STOPPING BY. YES. HEY, BABE?

YES. HEY, BABE? COULD YOU DO ME A FAVOR?

HEY, BABE? COULD YOU DO ME A FAVOR? OH, NO, I-I-I...

COULD YOU DO ME A FAVOR? OH, NO, I-I-I... SURE, KID!

OH, NO, I-I-I... SURE, KID! WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU?

SURE, KID! WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU? WELL... COULD YOU HIT A HOME

WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU? WELL... COULD YOU HIT A HOME RUN JUST FOR ME?

WELL... COULD YOU HIT A HOME RUN JUST FOR ME? AW, COME ON, SON.

RUN JUST FOR ME? AW, COME ON, SON. MR. RUTH CAN'T MAKE PROMISES

AW, COME ON, SON. MR. RUTH CAN'T MAKE PROMISES LIKE THAT.

MR. RUTH CAN'T MAKE PROMISES LIKE THAT. NO, NO, NO, IT'S ALL RIGHT!

LIKE THAT. NO, NO, NO, IT'S ALL RIGHT! I TELL YOU WHAT I'LL DO, KID.

NO, NO, NO, IT'S ALL RIGHT! I TELL YOU WHAT I'LL DO, KID. I'LL KNOCK ONE OUT OF THE PARK

I TELL YOU WHAT I'LL DO, KID. I'LL KNOCK ONE OUT OF THE PARK FOR YOU.

I'LL KNOCK ONE OUT OF THE PARK FOR YOU. YOU PROMISE ME YOU'LL PULL

FOR YOU. YOU PROMISE ME YOU'LL PULL THROUGH.

YOU PROMISE ME YOU'LL PULL THROUGH. IS THAT A DEAL?

THROUGH. IS THAT A DEAL? IT'S A DEAL.

IS THAT A DEAL? IT'S A DEAL. IT'S A DEAL.

IT'S A DEAL. IT'S A DEAL. YEAH, IT'S A DEAL!

IT'S A DEAL. YEAH, IT'S A DEAL! OKAY, KID.

YEAH, IT'S A DEAL! OKAY, KID. IT WAS A PERFECT DAY FOR A

OKAY, KID. IT WAS A PERFECT DAY FOR A BALLGAME AT YANKEE STADIUM.

IT WAS A PERFECT DAY FOR A BALLGAME AT YANKEE STADIUM. THE CLEVELAND INDIANS DIDN'T

BALLGAME AT YANKEE STADIUM. THE CLEVELAND INDIANS DIDN'T SCORE OFF RUFFING IN THE FIRST,

THE CLEVELAND INDIANS DIDN'T SCORE OFF RUFFING IN THE FIRST, BUT THE YANKEES HAD A THREAT

SCORE OFF RUFFING IN THE FIRST, BUT THE YANKEES HAD A THREAT GOING WITH LAZZERI ON FIRST.

BUT THE YANKEES HAD A THREAT GOING WITH LAZZERI ON FIRST. AND UP TO THE PLATE STEPPED THE

GOING WITH LAZZERI ON FIRST. AND UP TO THE PLATE STEPPED THE OLD BAMBINO HIMSELF.

AND UP TO THE PLATE STEPPED THE OLD BAMBINO HIMSELF. TWO QUICK STRIKES ON THE

OLD BAMBINO HIMSELF. TWO QUICK STRIKES ON THE BABE.

TWO QUICK STRIKES ON THE BABE. THE PITCHER'S IN HIS WINDUP.

BABE. THE PITCHER'S IN HIS WINDUP. THE BABE SWINGS, AND IT'S

THE PITCHER'S IN HIS WINDUP. THE BABE SWINGS, AND IT'S STRIKE THREE!

THE BABE SWINGS, AND IT'S STRIKE THREE! COME ON, BABE!

STRIKE THREE! COME ON, BABE! COME ON, BABE, BABY!

COME ON, BABE! COME ON, BABE, BABY! HE'LL GET IT THE NEXT TIME,

COME ON, BABE, BABY! HE'LL GET IT THE NEXT TIME, MAYBE.

HE'LL GET IT THE NEXT TIME, MAYBE. THE BABE CAME UP TO BAT AGAIN

MAYBE. THE BABE CAME UP TO BAT AGAIN IN THE FOURTH INNING.

THE BABE CAME UP TO BAT AGAIN IN THE FOURTH INNING. HOLDING THE BAT IN HIS HAND, HE

IN THE FOURTH INNING. HOLDING THE BAT IN HIS HAND, HE STRODE TO THE PLATE IN HIS

HOLDING THE BAT IN HIS HAND, HE STRODE TO THE PLATE IN HIS PIGEON-TOED, INIMITABLE STYLE.

STRODE TO THE PLATE IN HIS PIGEON-TOED, INIMITABLE STYLE. BUT, QUICKLY, THE DRUNKEN,

PIGEON-TOED, INIMITABLE STYLE. BUT, QUICKLY, THE DRUNKEN, OVERWEIGHT IDOL HAD TWO STRIKES

BUT, QUICKLY, THE DRUNKEN, OVERWEIGHT IDOL HAD TWO STRIKES ON HIM.

OVERWEIGHT IDOL HAD TWO STRIKES ON HIM. AN INTERESTING STORY, SPORTS

ON HIM. AN INTERESTING STORY, SPORTS FANS.

AN INTERESTING STORY, SPORTS FANS. BEFORE THE GAME, THE BABE TOLD

FANS. BEFORE THE GAME, THE BABE TOLD ME THAT HE PROMISED A LITTLE BOY

BEFORE THE GAME, THE BABE TOLD ME THAT HE PROMISED A LITTLE BOY WHO'S DYING IN THE HOSPITAL THAT

ME THAT HE PROMISED A LITTLE BOY WHO'S DYING IN THE HOSPITAL THAT HE'D HIT A HOME RUN FOR HIM

WHO'S DYING IN THE HOSPITAL THAT HE'D HIT A HOME RUN FOR HIM TODAY.

HE'D HIT A HOME RUN FOR HIM TODAY. I'M DYING?!

TODAY. I'M DYING?! AAHHH!

I'M DYING?! AAHHH! THE WINDUP AND THE PITCH...

AAHHH! THE WINDUP AND THE PITCH... OOPS, AND IT WON'T BE THIS TIME

THE WINDUP AND THE PITCH... OOPS, AND IT WON'T BE THIS TIME AT BAT AS THE BABE TAKES STRIKE

OOPS, AND IT WON'T BE THIS TIME AT BAT AS THE BABE TAKES STRIKE THREE, AND THE SCORE REMAINS

AT BAT AS THE BABE TAKES STRIKE THREE, AND THE SCORE REMAINS INDIANS 2 AND THE YANKEES

THREE, AND THE SCORE REMAINS INDIANS 2 AND THE YANKEES NOTHING.

INDIANS 2 AND THE YANKEES NOTHING. GOING INTO THE EIGHTH INNING,

NOTHING. GOING INTO THE EIGHTH INNING, IT WAS STILL 2-0 CLEVELAND.

GOING INTO THE EIGHTH INNING, IT WAS STILL 2-0 CLEVELAND. THE LITTLE BOY WAS HANGING ON

IT WAS STILL 2-0 CLEVELAND. THE LITTLE BOY WAS HANGING ON EVERY PITCH, AS IT SEEMED HIS

THE LITTLE BOY WAS HANGING ON EVERY PITCH, AS IT SEEMED HIS VERY HEALTH LAID ON THE BABE'S

EVERY PITCH, AS IT SEEMED HIS VERY HEALTH LAID ON THE BABE'S GAME.

VERY HEALTH LAID ON THE BABE'S GAME. BUT THE BABE STRUCK OUT AGAIN,

GAME. BUT THE BABE STRUCK OUT AGAIN, AND THINGS BEGAN TO LOOK BLEAK

BUT THE BABE STRUCK OUT AGAIN, AND THINGS BEGAN TO LOOK BLEAK GOING INTO THE NINTH INNING.

AND THINGS BEGAN TO LOOK BLEAK GOING INTO THE NINTH INNING. HE'S SINKING FAST.

GOING INTO THE NINTH INNING. HE'S SINKING FAST. DO WE HAVE OXYGEN READY?

HE'S SINKING FAST. DO WE HAVE OXYGEN READY? YES.

DO WE HAVE OXYGEN READY? YES. I-I DON'T BELIEVE THAT THE BABE

YES. I-I DON'T BELIEVE THAT THE BABE WOULD DO THIS TO HIM... THAT FAT

I-I DON'T BELIEVE THAT THE BABE WOULD DO THIS TO HIM... THAT FAT TUB OF LARD, YOU KNOW?

WOULD DO THIS TO HIM... THAT FAT TUB OF LARD, YOU KNOW? THERE'S TWO OUTS IN THE

TUB OF LARD, YOU KNOW? THERE'S TWO OUTS IN THE BOTTOM OF THE NINTH AND, UH,

THERE'S TWO OUTS IN THE BOTTOM OF THE NINTH AND, UH, LAZZERI MUST GET ON IF THE BABE

BOTTOM OF THE NINTH AND, UH, LAZZERI MUST GET ON IF THE BABE IS GONNA HAVE ANOTHER CHANCE AT

LAZZERI MUST GET ON IF THE BABE IS GONNA HAVE ANOTHER CHANCE AT THAT HOME RUN FOR THE LITTLE

IS GONNA HAVE ANOTHER CHANCE AT THAT HOME RUN FOR THE LITTLE DYING BOY, OF COURSE.

THAT HOME RUN FOR THE LITTLE DYING BOY, OF COURSE. THREE-TWO COUNT ON LAZZERI.

DYING BOY, OF COURSE. THREE-TWO COUNT ON LAZZERI. HERE'S THE PITCH, AND LAZZERI

THREE-TWO COUNT ON LAZZERI. HERE'S THE PITCH, AND LAZZERI POPS IT UP.

HERE'S THE PITCH, AND LAZZERI POPS IT UP. OH, NO!

POPS IT UP. OH, NO! THIS LOOKS LIKE IT'S THE

OH, NO! THIS LOOKS LIKE IT'S THE BALLGAME.

THIS LOOKS LIKE IT'S THE BALLGAME. NO, IT'S DROPPED!

BALLGAME. NO, IT'S DROPPED! HE DROPPED THE BALL, LADIES AND

NO, IT'S DROPPED! HE DROPPED THE BALL, LADIES AND GENTLEMAN!

HE DROPPED THE BALL, LADIES AND GENTLEMAN! LAZZERI IS SAFE AT FIRST, AND

GENTLEMAN! LAZZERI IS SAFE AT FIRST, AND THE BABE WILL HAVE ANOTHER SHOT

LAZZERI IS SAFE AT FIRST, AND THE BABE WILL HAVE ANOTHER SHOT AT IT.

THE BABE WILL HAVE ANOTHER SHOT AT IT. HOLY COW!

AT IT. HOLY COW! NURSE, UH, YOU'D BETTER CALL

HOLY COW! NURSE, UH, YOU'D BETTER CALL HIS PARENTS.

NURSE, UH, YOU'D BETTER CALL HIS PARENTS. FATHER, YOU'D BETTER STAND BY.

HIS PARENTS. FATHER, YOU'D BETTER STAND BY. WE STILL MIGHT BE NEEDING YOU

FATHER, YOU'D BETTER STAND BY. WE STILL MIGHT BE NEEDING YOU HERE.

WE STILL MIGHT BE NEEDING YOU HERE. YES, OF COURSE.

HERE. YES, OF COURSE. RUTH STEPS UP TO THE PLATE.

YES, OF COURSE. RUTH STEPS UP TO THE PLATE. THE BABE DIGS IN.

RUTH STEPS UP TO THE PLATE. THE BABE DIGS IN. HE SWINGS, AND IT'S A LONG FLY

THE BABE DIGS IN. HE SWINGS, AND IT'S A LONG FLY BALL!

HE SWINGS, AND IT'S A LONG FLY BALL! THAT BABY IS BACK THERE!

BALL! THAT BABY IS BACK THERE! IT'S BACK!

THAT BABY IS BACK THERE! IT'S BACK! IT'S CURVING... FOUL!

IT'S BACK! IT'S CURVING... FOUL! NEXT TIME YOU COME BY, BRING

IT'S CURVING... FOUL! NEXT TIME YOU COME BY, BRING MY STOMACH, WILL YOU?

NEXT TIME YOU COME BY, BRING MY STOMACH, WILL YOU? WELL, THIS IS IT FOR RUTH IF

MY STOMACH, WILL YOU? WELL, THIS IS IT FOR RUTH IF HE'S GONNA KEEP HIS PROMISE TO

WELL, THIS IS IT FOR RUTH IF HE'S GONNA KEEP HIS PROMISE TO THAT KID, WHO'S ABOUT TO DIE, I

HE'S GONNA KEEP HIS PROMISE TO THAT KID, WHO'S ABOUT TO DIE, I GUESS.

THAT KID, WHO'S ABOUT TO DIE, I GUESS. HERE'S THE PITCH.

GUESS. HERE'S THE PITCH. RUTH HITS IT FAR!

HERE'S THE PITCH. RUTH HITS IT FAR! THAT BABY'S WAY BACK THERE!

RUTH HITS IT FAR! THAT BABY'S WAY BACK THERE! BACK! BACK!

THAT BABY'S WAY BACK THERE! BACK! BACK! BUT IT'S CURVING, CURVING...

BACK! BACK! BUT IT'S CURVING, CURVING... FOUL!

BUT IT'S CURVING, CURVING... FOUL! OH, BROTHER! HOLY COW!

FOUL! OH, BROTHER! HOLY COW! YOU CAN'T HELP BUT WONDER WHY

OH, BROTHER! HOLY COW! YOU CAN'T HELP BUT WONDER WHY THE BABE IS DOING THIS, ANYWAY.

YOU CAN'T HELP BUT WONDER WHY THE BABE IS DOING THIS, ANYWAY. WELL, THE CROWD'S REALLY PULLING

THE BABE IS DOING THIS, ANYWAY. WELL, THE CROWD'S REALLY PULLING FOR THE SULTAN OF SWAT.

WELL, THE CROWD'S REALLY PULLING FOR THE SULTAN OF SWAT. THEY REALLY WANT HIM TO PUT ONE

FOR THE SULTAN OF SWAT. THEY REALLY WANT HIM TO PUT ONE OUT.

THEY REALLY WANT HIM TO PUT ONE OUT. IF ONLY THE WHOLE CROWD HERE

OUT. IF ONLY THE WHOLE CROWD HERE KNEW THAT THIS LITTLE KID'S

IF ONLY THE WHOLE CROWD HERE KNEW THAT THIS LITTLE KID'S GONNA DIE ALMOST ANY SECOND.

KNEW THAT THIS LITTLE KID'S GONNA DIE ALMOST ANY SECOND. HERE'S THE PITCH.

GONNA DIE ALMOST ANY SECOND. HERE'S THE PITCH. THE BABE SWINGS!

HERE'S THE PITCH. THE BABE SWINGS! AND IT'S A LONG FLY BALL TO DEEP

THE BABE SWINGS! AND IT'S A LONG FLY BALL TO DEEP RIGHT FIELD!

AND IT'S A LONG FLY BALL TO DEEP RIGHT FIELD! THE OUTFIELDER'S DRIFTING BACK,

RIGHT FIELD! THE OUTFIELDER'S DRIFTING BACK, BACK!

THE OUTFIELDER'S DRIFTING BACK, BACK! THAT BALL IS GOING... GOING...

BACK! THAT BALL IS GOING... GOING... IT IS CAUGHT AT THE WALL!

THAT BALL IS GOING... GOING... IT IS CAUGHT AT THE WALL! WELL, THAT WAS THE BALLGAME.

IT IS CAUGHT AT THE WALL! WELL, THAT WAS THE BALLGAME. MAYBE BABE TRIED TO HIT A HOME

WELL, THAT WAS THE BALLGAME. MAYBE BABE TRIED TO HIT A HOME RUN THAT DAY AND FAILED.

MAYBE BABE TRIED TO HIT A HOME RUN THAT DAY AND FAILED. THEN, AGAIN, MAYBE HE FORGOT THE

RUN THAT DAY AND FAILED. THEN, AGAIN, MAYBE HE FORGOT THE PROMISE HE MADE TO THE LITTLE

THEN, AGAIN, MAYBE HE FORGOT THE PROMISE HE MADE TO THE LITTLE BOY.

PROMISE HE MADE TO THE LITTLE BOY. AND SOME EVEN SAID THAT THE BABE

BOY. AND SOME EVEN SAID THAT THE BABE WAS DRUNK AND DIDN'T DO IT ON

AND SOME EVEN SAID THAT THE BABE WAS DRUNK AND DIDN'T DO IT ON PURPOSE.

WAS DRUNK AND DIDN'T DO IT ON PURPOSE. I, BEING AN ATHLETE MYSELF,

PURPOSE. I, BEING AN ATHLETE MYSELF, FRANKLY FIND THAT HARD TO

I, BEING AN ATHLETE MYSELF, FRANKLY FIND THAT HARD TO BELIEVE.

FRANKLY FIND THAT HARD TO BELIEVE. WHATEVER THE TRUE STORY WAS,

BELIEVE. WHATEVER THE TRUE STORY WAS, THOUGH, IT WAS YET ANOTHER CASE

WHATEVER THE TRUE STORY WAS, THOUGH, IT WAS YET ANOTHER CASE OF A WHITE MAN BREAKING A

THOUGH, IT WAS YET ANOTHER CASE OF A WHITE MAN BREAKING A PROMISE TO A POOR, LITTLE

OF A WHITE MAN BREAKING A PROMISE TO A POOR, LITTLE COLORED BOY.

PROMISE TO A POOR, LITTLE COLORED BOY. BUT THERE IS A MORAL TO THIS

COLORED BOY. BUT THERE IS A MORAL TO THIS STORY.

BUT THERE IS A MORAL TO THIS STORY. NEVER UNDERESTIMATE THE REVENGE

STORY. NEVER UNDERESTIMATE THE REVENGE OF A BLACK MAN, BECAUSE LITTLE

NEVER UNDERESTIMATE THE REVENGE OF A BLACK MAN, BECAUSE LITTLE HANK AARON...

OF A BLACK MAN, BECAUSE LITTLE HANK AARON... CAME THROUGH AND WENT ON TO

HANK AARON... CAME THROUGH AND WENT ON TO BREAK ALL OF BABE RUTH'S

CAME THROUGH AND WENT ON TO BREAK ALL OF BABE RUTH'S RECORDS, ANYWAY.

BREAK ALL OF BABE RUTH'S RECORDS, ANYWAY. THANKS FOR WATCHING "GREAT

RECORDS, ANYWAY. THANKS FOR WATCHING "GREAT MOMENTS IN SPORTS."

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, ASHFORD AND SIMPSON. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

♪ SO FULL ♪ ♪ SO WARM ♪ ♪ LIKE BEING DRIED OUT

♪ SO WARM ♪ ♪ LIKE BEING DRIED OUT AFTER A STORM ♪

♪ LIKE BEING DRIED OUT AFTER A STORM ♪ ♪ OOH, OOH ♪

AFTER A STORM ♪ ♪ OOH, OOH ♪ ♪ NEW BLOOD RUNNIN',

♪ OOH, OOH ♪ ♪ NEW BLOOD RUNNIN', RUNNIN' THROUGH MY VEINS,

♪ NEW BLOOD RUNNIN', RUNNIN' THROUGH MY VEINS, YEAH ♪

RUNNIN' THROUGH MY VEINS, YEAH ♪ ♪ LOOKS LIKE THAT CLEAR DAY

YEAH ♪ ♪ LOOKS LIKE THAT CLEAR DAY FINALLY CAME ♪

♪ LOOKS LIKE THAT CLEAR DAY FINALLY CAME ♪ ♪ OOH-OOH ♪

FINALLY CAME ♪ ♪ OOH-OOH ♪ ♪ FEELIN' HIGH ♪

♪ OOH-OOH ♪ ♪ FEELIN' HIGH ♪ ♪ AND SO, SO SATISFIED ♪

♪ FEELIN' HIGH ♪ ♪ AND SO, SO SATISFIED ♪ ♪ OH, YEAH ♪

♪ AND SO, SO SATISFIED ♪ ♪ OH, YEAH ♪ ♪ YEAH, YEAH, YEAH ♪

♪ OH, YEAH ♪ ♪ YEAH, YEAH, YEAH ♪ ♪ SO SATISFIED ♪

♪ YEAH, YEAH, YEAH ♪ ♪ SO SATISFIED ♪ ♪ OOH ♪

♪ SO SATISFIED ♪ ♪ OOH ♪ NOW LISTEN.

♪ OOH ♪ NOW LISTEN. ♪ THIS MUST BE, YEAH,

NOW LISTEN. ♪ THIS MUST BE, YEAH, MUST BE ALL THERE IS ♪

♪ THIS MUST BE, YEAH, MUST BE ALL THERE IS ♪ ♪ 'CAUSE ONLY LOVE,

MUST BE ALL THERE IS ♪ ♪ 'CAUSE ONLY LOVE, LOVE BRINGS WITH IT

♪ 'CAUSE ONLY LOVE, LOVE BRINGS WITH IT JOY AND TEARS ♪

LOVE BRINGS WITH IT JOY AND TEARS ♪ ♪ OOH ♪

JOY AND TEARS ♪ ♪ OOH ♪ ♪ WHOO ♪

♪ OOH ♪ ♪ WHOO ♪ ♪ I WON'T TRY,

♪ WHOO ♪ ♪ I WON'T TRY, I WON'T TRY TO UNDERSTAND,

♪ I WON'T TRY, I WON'T TRY TO UNDERSTAND, OH, NO ♪

I WON'T TRY TO UNDERSTAND, OH, NO ♪ ♪ NO, NO ♪

OH, NO ♪ ♪ NO, NO ♪ ♪ I SURRENDER IT ALL

♪ NO, NO ♪ ♪ I SURRENDER IT ALL INTO YOUR HANDS ♪

♪ I SURRENDER IT ALL INTO YOUR HANDS ♪ ♪ OOH-OOH ♪

INTO YOUR HANDS ♪ ♪ OOH-OOH ♪ ♪ FEELIN' HIGH ♪

♪ OOH-OOH ♪ ♪ FEELIN' HIGH ♪ ♪ WHOO ♪

♪ FEELIN' HIGH ♪ ♪ WHOO ♪ ♪ AND SO, SO SATISFIED ♪

♪ WHOO ♪ ♪ AND SO, SO SATISFIED ♪ ♪ OH, YEAH ♪

♪ AND SO, SO SATISFIED ♪ ♪ OH, YEAH ♪ ♪ YEAH, YEAH ♪

♪ OH, YEAH ♪ ♪ YEAH, YEAH ♪ ♪ SO SATISFIED ♪

♪ YEAH, YEAH ♪ ♪ SO SATISFIED ♪ ♪ WHOO-HOO ♪

♪ SO SATISFIED ♪ ♪ WHOO-HOO ♪ ♪ FEELIN' HIGH ♪

♪ WHOO-HOO ♪ ♪ FEELIN' HIGH ♪ ♪ I WANT YOU,

♪ FEELIN' HIGH ♪ ♪ I WANT YOU, I WANT YOU TO LIFT ME ♪

♪ I WANT YOU, I WANT YOU TO LIFT ME ♪ ♪ YEAH ♪

I WANT YOU TO LIFT ME ♪ ♪ YEAH ♪ ♪ SO, SO SATISFIED ♪

♪ YEAH ♪ ♪ SO, SO SATISFIED ♪ ♪ OH, YEAH ♪

♪ SO, SO SATISFIED ♪ ♪ OH, YEAH ♪ ♪ YEAH, YEAH ♪

♪ OH, YEAH ♪ ♪ YEAH, YEAH ♪ ♪ WHOO-OOH-OOH ♪

♪ YEAH, YEAH ♪ ♪ WHOO-OOH-OOH ♪ ♪ I SAID LIFT ME, LIFT ME ♪

♪ WHOO-OOH-OOH ♪ ♪ I SAID LIFT ME, LIFT ME ♪ ♪ FEELIN' HIGH ♪

♪ I SAID LIFT ME, LIFT ME ♪ ♪ FEELIN' HIGH ♪ ♪ HEY-HEY ♪

♪ FEELIN' HIGH ♪ ♪ HEY-HEY ♪ ♪ AND SO, SO SATISFIED ♪

♪ HEY-HEY ♪ ♪ AND SO, SO SATISFIED ♪ ♪ OH, YEAH ♪

♪ AND SO, SO SATISFIED ♪ ♪ OH, YEAH ♪ ♪ YEAH ♪

♪ OH, YEAH ♪ ♪ YEAH ♪ ♪ SO SATISFIED ♪

♪ YEAH ♪ ♪ SO SATISFIED ♪ ♪ WHOO-OOH-OOH ♪

♪ SO SATISFIED ♪ ♪ WHOO-OOH-OOH ♪ ♪ FEELIN' HIGH

♪ WHOO-OOH-OOH ♪ ♪ FEELIN' HIGH AND SO, SO SATIS...

♪ FEELIN' HIGH AND SO, SO SATIS... SO, SO SATIS...

AND SO, SO SATIS... SO, SO SATIS... SO, SO SATISFIED ♪

SO, SO SATIS... SO, SO SATISFIED ♪ [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

YES, MOHAWKS ARE BACK! AND NOW ROTHCO INTRODUCES THE HAIRSTYLING AID OF THE CENTURY.

AND NOW ROTHCO INTRODUCES THE HAIRSTYLING AID OF THE CENTURY. IT'S THE AMAZING MOHAWK

HAIRSTYLING AID OF THE CENTURY. IT'S THE AMAZING MOHAWK MASTER... THE FAST, NEW, EASY

IT'S THE AMAZING MOHAWK MASTER... THE FAST, NEW, EASY WAY TO GIVE CLEAN MOHAWK

MASTER... THE FAST, NEW, EASY WAY TO GIVE CLEAN MOHAWK HAIRCUTS.

WAY TO GIVE CLEAN MOHAWK HAIRCUTS. THE MOHAWK MASTER IS THE ONLY

HAIRCUTS. THE MOHAWK MASTER IS THE ONLY HAIRCUTTING TOOL THAT HAS TWO

THE MOHAWK MASTER IS THE ONLY HAIRCUTTING TOOL THAT HAS TWO RAZOR-SHARP, TEMPERED-STEEL,

HAIRCUTTING TOOL THAT HAS TWO RAZOR-SHARP, TEMPERED-STEEL, HIGH-SPEED CLIPPERS DESIGNED,

RAZOR-SHARP, TEMPERED-STEEL, HIGH-SPEED CLIPPERS DESIGNED, ENGINEERED, AND BUILT FOR ONE

HIGH-SPEED CLIPPERS DESIGNED, ENGINEERED, AND BUILT FOR ONE PURPOSE AND ONE PURPOSE ONLY...

ENGINEERED, AND BUILT FOR ONE PURPOSE AND ONE PURPOSE ONLY... TO CUT MOHAWKS!

PURPOSE AND ONE PURPOSE ONLY... TO CUT MOHAWKS! YES, MOM, NOW YOU CAN GIVE YOUR

TO CUT MOHAWKS! YES, MOM, NOW YOU CAN GIVE YOUR FAMILY MOHAWKS ANYTIME.

YES, MOM, NOW YOU CAN GIVE YOUR FAMILY MOHAWKS ANYTIME. IMPRESS THEM BY USING THE FAST,

FAMILY MOHAWKS ANYTIME. IMPRESS THEM BY USING THE FAST, SAFE, COMFORTABLE MOHAWK MASTER.

IMPRESS THEM BY USING THE FAST, SAFE, COMFORTABLE MOHAWK MASTER. [BUZZING]

HEY-HEY! NICE MOHAWK, HONEY! THANKS!

NICE MOHAWK, HONEY! THANKS! NOW YOU CAN USE THE MOHAWK

THANKS! NOW YOU CAN USE THE MOHAWK MASTER TO GIVE MY MOHAWK A TRIM!

NOW YOU CAN USE THE MOHAWK MASTER TO GIVE MY MOHAWK A TRIM! YES, FINALLY THERE'S NO

MASTER TO GIVE MY MOHAWK A TRIM! YES, FINALLY THERE'S NO REASON WHY YOU CAN'T GIVE

YES, FINALLY THERE'S NO REASON WHY YOU CAN'T GIVE EVERYONE A MOHAWK.

REASON WHY YOU CAN'T GIVE EVERYONE A MOHAWK. GIVE ONE TO JUNIOR AND GRANDMA!

EVERYONE A MOHAWK. GIVE ONE TO JUNIOR AND GRANDMA! AND LOOK!

GIVE ONE TO JUNIOR AND GRANDMA! AND LOOK! SPARKY'S GOT ONE, TOO!

AND LOOK! SPARKY'S GOT ONE, TOO! FOR THE CLEANEST, SQUAREST,

SPARKY'S GOT ONE, TOO! FOR THE CLEANEST, SQUAREST, 2-INCH-WIDE MOHAWK YOU'LL EVER

FOR THE CLEANEST, SQUAREST, 2-INCH-WIDE MOHAWK YOU'LL EVER SEE, IT'S THE MOHAWK MASTER

2-INCH-WIDE MOHAWK YOU'LL EVER SEE, IT'S THE MOHAWK MASTER FAMILY MOHAWK CLIPPERS FROM

SEE, IT'S THE MOHAWK MASTER FAMILY MOHAWK CLIPPERS FROM ROTHCO.

FAMILY MOHAWK CLIPPERS FROM ROTHCO. MOM, HERE'S HOW TO ORDER...

Announcer: NBC's "BIG EVENT." NEXT WEEK, "THE RAID ON

NEXT WEEK, "THE RAID ON NICOSIA."

NICOSIA." NOW, ONLY ONE WEEK AFTER THE

NOW, ONLY ONE WEEK AFTER THE ACTUAL EVENT, NBC BRINGS TO THE

ACTUAL EVENT, NBC BRINGS TO THE TELEVISION SCREEN THE MOST

TELEVISION SCREEN THE MOST DARING MILITARY ACTION SINCE

DARING MILITARY ACTION SINCE "THE RAID ON ENTEBBE."

"THE RAID ON ENTEBBE." DON'T MISS "THE RAID ON

DON'T MISS "THE RAID ON NICOSIA."

SHERMAN HEMSLEY IS EGYPTIAN

PRESIDENT ANWAR EL SADAT.

IF THE ISRAELIS CAN DO IT,

SO CAN WE, REALLY.

Announcer: TONY ORLANDO IS

NADIL SHUKRY, THE BRAVE EGYPTIAN

COMMANDO LEADER.

OKAY, MEN, YOU GO ON AHEAD.

Announcer: O.J. SIMPSON IS

U.N. AMBASSADOR ANDREW YOUNG.

NOT GET INVOLVED?!

I'VE GOT TO GET INVOLVED.

IT'S MY NATURE.

Announcer: INTRODUCING

DEBBIE BOONE AS LYNN, THE

STEWARDESS.

SO WHAT IF HE'S A TERRORIST,

AND I'M A STEWARDESS?

WE CAN MAKE IT WORK!

Announcer: "THE RAID ON NICOSIA"... IT'S A STORY OF KIDNAPPING.

NICOSIA"... IT'S A STORY OF KIDNAPPING. IT'S A STORY OF HIJACKING.

KIDNAPPING. IT'S A STORY OF HIJACKING. IT'S A STORY OF A SPECTACULAR

IT'S A STORY OF HIJACKING. IT'S A STORY OF A SPECTACULAR RESCUE ATTEMPT.

ROBERT STACK IS CYRUS VANCE, A

SECRETARY OF STATE WITH A LOT AT

STAKE.

YEAH, WELL, I WANT TO KNOW

WHAT'S GOING ON, AND I WANT TO

KNOW NOW.

Announcer: SPECIAL GUEST

HELEN HAYES IS EVA DOBRIG,

HOSTAGE.

FIRST THEY SAY THEY'LL LET US

GO.

THEN THEY SAY WE HAVE TO WAIT.

I'M ALL MIXED UP.

Announcer: VALERIE HARPER IS

MRS. JEHAN EL SADAT.

HONEY, IT'S FOR YOU.

Announcer: ED ASNER IS

YASSER ARAFAT, THE PLO LEADER

WHO REFUSED THE TERRORIST PHONE

CALLS.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

HELLO, PLO?

UH, NO, I'M SORRY.

HE JUST STEPPED OUT.

Announcer: "THE RAID ON NICOSIA"... IT'S A STORY OF TERRORISM.

NICOSIA"... IT'S A STORY OF TERRORISM. IT'S A STORY OF ROMANCE.

TERRORISM. IT'S A STORY OF ROMANCE. IT'S A STORY EVERYBODY WILL

IT'S A STORY OF ROMANCE. IT'S A STORY EVERYBODY WILL LIKE.

LIKE. NO RAID WAS EVER QUITE LIKE

NO RAID WAS EVER QUITE LIKE THIS.

THIS. DON'T MISS "THE RAID ON

DON'T MISS "THE RAID ON NICOSIA," TUESDAY AT 9:00, 8:00

NICOSIA," TUESDAY AT 9:00, 8:00 CENTRAL TIME.

Announcer: AND NOW "WEEKEND UPDATE," WITH THE "WEEKEND UPDATE" NEWS TEAM.

UPDATE," WITH THE "WEEKEND UPDATE" NEWS TEAM. BROUGHT TO YOU BY DORGMO, THE

UPDATE" NEWS TEAM. BROUGHT TO YOU BY DORGMO, THE GOLDEN SHOWER OF DANISH BEERS.

BROUGHT TO YOU BY DORGMO, THE GOLDEN SHOWER OF DANISH BEERS. HERE ARE CO-ANCHORPERSONS

GOLDEN SHOWER OF DANISH BEERS. HERE ARE CO-ANCHORPERSONS DAN AYKROYD AND JANE CURTIN.

HERE ARE CO-ANCHORPERSONS DAN AYKROYD AND JANE CURTIN. GOOD EVENING.

DAN AYKROYD AND JANE CURTIN. GOOD EVENING. I'M PRETTY SURE I'M DAN AYKROYD,

GOOD EVENING. I'M PRETTY SURE I'M DAN AYKROYD, AND...

I'M PRETTY SURE I'M DAN AYKROYD, AND... AND I'M POSITIVE I'M

AND... AND I'M POSITIVE I'M JANE CURTIN.

AND I'M POSITIVE I'M JANE CURTIN. OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT...

JANE CURTIN. OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT... FORMER ATTORNEY GENERAL

OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT... FORMER ATTORNEY GENERAL JOHN MITCHELL WAS GIVEN TWO MORE

FORMER ATTORNEY GENERAL JOHN MITCHELL WAS GIVEN TWO MORE WEEKS OF FURLOUGH FROM PRISON SO

JOHN MITCHELL WAS GIVEN TWO MORE WEEKS OF FURLOUGH FROM PRISON SO THAT HE MIGHT CONTINUE HIS

WEEKS OF FURLOUGH FROM PRISON SO THAT HE MIGHT CONTINUE HIS RECOVERY FROM ARTERIAL SURGERY.

THAT HE MIGHT CONTINUE HIS RECOVERY FROM ARTERIAL SURGERY. MITCHELL ALSO FACES ANOTHER

RECOVERY FROM ARTERIAL SURGERY. MITCHELL ALSO FACES ANOTHER MAJOR OPERATION FOR REPLACEMENT

MITCHELL ALSO FACES ANOTHER MAJOR OPERATION FOR REPLACEMENT OF AN ARTHRITIC HIP.

MAJOR OPERATION FOR REPLACEMENT OF AN ARTHRITIC HIP. ACCORDING TO OUR SOURCES,

OF AN ARTHRITIC HIP. ACCORDING TO OUR SOURCES, MITCHELL'S SECRET PLAN IS TO

ACCORDING TO OUR SOURCES, MITCHELL'S SECRET PLAN IS TO SYSTEMATICALLY REPLACE EVERY

MITCHELL'S SECRET PLAN IS TO SYSTEMATICALLY REPLACE EVERY LIMB, ORGAN, JOINT, AND GLAND IN

SYSTEMATICALLY REPLACE EVERY LIMB, ORGAN, JOINT, AND GLAND IN HIS BODY, SEND HIS NEW VERSION

LIMB, ORGAN, JOINT, AND GLAND IN HIS BODY, SEND HIS NEW VERSION BACK TO PRISON, THUS ALLOWING

HIS BODY, SEND HIS NEW VERSION BACK TO PRISON, THUS ALLOWING THE ORIGINAL TO VISIT HIMSELF ON

BACK TO PRISON, THUS ALLOWING THE ORIGINAL TO VISIT HIMSELF ON WEEKENDS.

THE ORIGINAL TO VISIT HIMSELF ON WEEKENDS. ELIZABETH RAY, ONETIME

WEEKENDS. ELIZABETH RAY, ONETIME CAPITAL HILL SECRETARY AND

ELIZABETH RAY, ONETIME CAPITAL HILL SECRETARY AND COMPANION TO FORMER

CAPITAL HILL SECRETARY AND COMPANION TO FORMER REPRESENTATIVE WAYNE HAYS, HAS

COMPANION TO FORMER REPRESENTATIVE WAYNE HAYS, HAS ENDORSED HAYS IN HIS QUEST FOR A

REPRESENTATIVE WAYNE HAYS, HAS ENDORSED HAYS IN HIS QUEST FOR A SEAT IN THE OHIO STATE

ENDORSED HAYS IN HIS QUEST FOR A SEAT IN THE OHIO STATE LEGISLATURE.

SEAT IN THE OHIO STATE LEGISLATURE. MISS RAY SAYS SHE'S GLAD TO BE

LEGISLATURE. MISS RAY SAYS SHE'S GLAD TO BE BACK IN POLITICS AND VICE VERSA.

MISS RAY SAYS SHE'S GLAD TO BE BACK IN POLITICS AND VICE VERSA. DAN?

BACK IN POLITICS AND VICE VERSA. DAN? THIS JUST IN, JANE.

DAN? THIS JUST IN, JANE. IN A SURPRISE MOVE, THE STATE OF

THIS JUST IN, JANE. IN A SURPRISE MOVE, THE STATE OF GEORGIA HAS CHANGED ITS NAME TO

IN A SURPRISE MOVE, THE STATE OF GEORGIA HAS CHANGED ITS NAME TO CHARLENE.

GEORGIA HAS CHANGED ITS NAME TO CHARLENE. THEY GAVE NO REASON FOR THIS

CHARLENE. THEY GAVE NO REASON FOR THIS ACTION.

THEY GAVE NO REASON FOR THIS ACTION. AND HERE'S INTERESTING NEWS FOR

ACTION. AND HERE'S INTERESTING NEWS FOR CLASSICAL PIANO LOVERS.

AND HERE'S INTERESTING NEWS FOR CLASSICAL PIANO LOVERS. MUSICOLOGISTS HAVE RECENTLY

CLASSICAL PIANO LOVERS. MUSICOLOGISTS HAVE RECENTLY DISCOVERED ANCIENT MANUSCRIPTS

MUSICOLOGISTS HAVE RECENTLY DISCOVERED ANCIENT MANUSCRIPTS FOUND INSIDE A FALSE LIBRARY

DISCOVERED ANCIENT MANUSCRIPTS FOUND INSIDE A FALSE LIBRARY WALL OF AN OLD HOUSE IN

FOUND INSIDE A FALSE LIBRARY WALL OF AN OLD HOUSE IN GUTERSTRASSE, IN BERLIN, IN

WALL OF AN OLD HOUSE IN GUTERSTRASSE, IN BERLIN, IN BEETHOVEN'S HAND, COMPLETELY

GUTERSTRASSE, IN BERLIN, IN BEETHOVEN'S HAND, COMPLETELY CHANGING THE FAMILIAR OPENING OF

BEETHOVEN'S HAND, COMPLETELY CHANGING THE FAMILIAR OPENING OF HIS PIANO SONATA NUMBER 2, OPUS

CHANGING THE FAMILIAR OPENING OF HIS PIANO SONATA NUMBER 2, OPUS 27, POPULARLY KNOWN AS "THE

HIS PIANO SONATA NUMBER 2, OPUS 27, POPULARLY KNOWN AS "THE MOONLIGHT SONATA."

27, POPULARLY KNOWN AS "THE MOONLIGHT SONATA." HERE IS HOW WE ARE USED TO

MOONLIGHT SONATA." HERE IS HOW WE ARE USED TO HEARING THE OPENING OF "THE

HERE IS HOW WE ARE USED TO HEARING THE OPENING OF "THE MOONLIGHT SONATA"...

HEARING THE OPENING OF "THE MOONLIGHT SONATA"... [PIANO PLAYS

MOONLIGHT SONATA"... [PIANO PLAYS "MOONLIGHT SONATA"]

AND HERE IS HOW BEETHOVEN ORIGINALLY, ACCORDING TO THESE MANUSCRIPTS, INTENDED IT TO BE

ORIGINALLY, ACCORDING TO THESE MANUSCRIPTS, INTENDED IT TO BE PLAYED.

MANUSCRIPTS, INTENDED IT TO BE PLAYED. [PIANO PLAYING UP-TEMPO

PLAYED. [PIANO PLAYING UP-TEMPO "MOONLIGHT SONATA"]

[PIANO PLAYING UP-TEMPO "MOONLIGHT SONATA"] RCA VICTOR RED SEAL LABEL IS

["MOONLIGHT SONATA"] RCA VICTOR RED SEAL LABEL IS RECALLING SOME 10,000 CLASSICAL

RCA VICTOR RED SEAL LABEL IS RECALLING SOME 10,000 CLASSICAL PIANO RECORDS AS A RESULT OF

RECALLING SOME 10,000 CLASSICAL PIANO RECORDS AS A RESULT OF THIS FINDING.

PIANO RECORDS AS A RESULT OF THIS FINDING. JANE?

THIS FINDING. JANE? AND NOW HERE'S STARGAZER

JANE? AND NOW HERE'S STARGAZER BILL MURRAY, WHO'S FILED THIS

AND NOW HERE'S STARGAZER BILL MURRAY, WHO'S FILED THIS REPORT.

BILL MURRAY, WHO'S FILED THIS REPORT. BILL?

REPORT. BILL? THANK YOU, JANE.

BILL? THANK YOU, JANE. HELLO, KNUCKLEHEADS.

THANK YOU, JANE. HELLO, KNUCKLEHEADS. HOW'S IT GOING?

HELLO, KNUCKLEHEADS. HOW'S IT GOING? GET OUT OF HERE.

HOW'S IT GOING? GET OUT OF HERE. WELL, THIS WEEK THE ACADEMY

GET OUT OF HERE. WELL, THIS WEEK THE ACADEMY AWARD NOMINATIONS WERE

WELL, THIS WEEK THE ACADEMY AWARD NOMINATIONS WERE ANNOUNCED, AND I GUESS THE BIG

AWARD NOMINATIONS WERE ANNOUNCED, AND I GUESS THE BIG NEWS IS THAT WOODY ALLEN WAS

ANNOUNCED, AND I GUESS THE BIG NEWS IS THAT WOODY ALLEN WAS NOMINATED IN THREE CATEGORIES...

NEWS IS THAT WOODY ALLEN WAS NOMINATED IN THREE CATEGORIES... BEST DIRECTOR, BEST ACTOR, AND

NOMINATED IN THREE CATEGORIES... BEST DIRECTOR, BEST ACTOR, AND BEST SCREENPLAY.

BEST DIRECTOR, BEST ACTOR, AND BEST SCREENPLAY. SO SUDDENLY EVERYBODY'S GOING,

BEST SCREENPLAY. SO SUDDENLY EVERYBODY'S GOING, "HEY, IT'S 1940, I GUESS.

SO SUDDENLY EVERYBODY'S GOING, "HEY, IT'S 1940, I GUESS. IT'S ORSON WELLES.

"HEY, IT'S 1940, I GUESS. IT'S ORSON WELLES. IT'S 'CITIZEN KANE, ' HUH?"

IT'S ORSON WELLES. IT'S 'CITIZEN KANE, ' HUH?" NOW I DON'T WANT TO TAKE

IT'S 'CITIZEN KANE, ' HUH?" NOW I DON'T WANT TO TAKE ANYTHING AWAY FROM WOODY ALLEN,

NOW I DON'T WANT TO TAKE ANYTHING AWAY FROM WOODY ALLEN, BECAUSE THE "WOOD MAN" IS A NUT,

ANYTHING AWAY FROM WOODY ALLEN, BECAUSE THE "WOOD MAN" IS A NUT, AND I LOVE HIM.

BECAUSE THE "WOOD MAN" IS A NUT, AND I LOVE HIM. HE'S TERRIFIC.

AND I LOVE HIM. HE'S TERRIFIC. GET OUT OF HERE, WOODY.

HE'S TERRIFIC. GET OUT OF HERE, WOODY. BUT TO THIS DAY, WHEN SOMEBODY

GET OUT OF HERE, WOODY. BUT TO THIS DAY, WHEN SOMEBODY SAYS TO ME, "WHAT'S UP?" I SAY,

BUT TO THIS DAY, WHEN SOMEBODY SAYS TO ME, "WHAT'S UP?" I SAY, "TIGER LILY," BECAUSE I THINK

SAYS TO ME, "WHAT'S UP?" I SAY, "TIGER LILY," BECAUSE I THINK IT'S THE BEST THING HE EVER DID

"TIGER LILY," BECAUSE I THINK IT'S THE BEST THING HE EVER DID STILL.

IT'S THE BEST THING HE EVER DID STILL. BUT I THINK TRYING TO TELL ME

STILL. BUT I THINK TRYING TO TELL ME THAT WOODY ALLEN IS GOING TO

BUT I THINK TRYING TO TELL ME THAT WOODY ALLEN IS GOING TO GAIN 400 POUNDS IN 10 YEARS?

THAT WOODY ALLEN IS GOING TO GAIN 400 POUNDS IN 10 YEARS? UNH-UNH.

GAIN 400 POUNDS IN 10 YEARS? UNH-UNH. NO, I DON'T THINK SO.

UNH-UNH. NO, I DON'T THINK SO. IS "MR. I DON'T WANT TO TALK

NO, I DON'T THINK SO. IS "MR. I DON'T WANT TO TALK SHOW BUSINESS" ALLEN GONNA START

IS "MR. I DON'T WANT TO TALK SHOW BUSINESS" ALLEN GONNA START DOING THE DEAN MARTIN ROASTS?

SHOW BUSINESS" ALLEN GONNA START DOING THE DEAN MARTIN ROASTS? NO, I DON'T THINK SO.

DOING THE DEAN MARTIN ROASTS? NO, I DON'T THINK SO. SO, WOODY, KEEP WHAT YOU'RE

NO, I DON'T THINK SO. SO, WOODY, KEEP WHAT YOU'RE DOING.

SO, WOODY, KEEP WHAT YOU'RE DOING. KEEP DOING WHAT YOU'RE DOING,

DOING. KEEP DOING WHAT YOU'RE DOING, BUT DON'T GET A SWELLED HEAD,

KEEP DOING WHAT YOU'RE DOING, BUT DON'T GET A SWELLED HEAD, HUH?

BUT DON'T GET A SWELLED HEAD, HUH? AND DO ME A FAVOR.

HUH? AND DO ME A FAVOR. GROW UP, WOULD YOU?

AND DO ME A FAVOR. GROW UP, WOULD YOU? GROW UP!

GROW UP, WOULD YOU? GROW UP! NOBODY'S OUT TO GET YOU,

GROW UP! NOBODY'S OUT TO GET YOU, MR. PARANOID.

NOBODY'S OUT TO GET YOU, MR. PARANOID. LET'S SEE YOU OUT ON THE TOWN...

MR. PARANOID. LET'S SEE YOU OUT ON THE TOWN... SOMEPLACE BESIDES ELAINE'S, TOO,

LET'S SEE YOU OUT ON THE TOWN... SOMEPLACE BESIDES ELAINE'S, TOO, ALL RIGHT?

SOMEPLACE BESIDES ELAINE'S, TOO, ALL RIGHT? OKAY, ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT,

ALL RIGHT? OKAY, ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, YEAH.

OKAY, ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, YEAH. I'M BEING ROUGH, BUT YOU CAN

YEAH. I'M BEING ROUGH, BUT YOU CAN TAKE IT, WOODY.

I'M BEING ROUGH, BUT YOU CAN TAKE IT, WOODY. YOU CAN... WOODY?

TAKE IT, WOODY. YOU CAN... WOODY? WOODY?

YOU CAN... WOODY? WOODY? ALL RIGHT, THAT'S THE "WOOD MAN"

WOODY? ALL RIGHT, THAT'S THE "WOOD MAN" I KNOW.

ALL RIGHT, THAT'S THE "WOOD MAN" I KNOW. THAT'S BETTER.

I KNOW. THAT'S BETTER. ORSON, YOU'VE GOT NOTHING TO

THAT'S BETTER. ORSON, YOU'VE GOT NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT.

ORSON, YOU'VE GOT NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT. YOUR SHOW-BUSINESS RECORD IS

WORRY ABOUT. YOUR SHOW-BUSINESS RECORD IS IMMORTAL.

YOUR SHOW-BUSINESS RECORD IS IMMORTAL. YOU BIG HUNK OF GENIUS... GET

IMMORTAL. YOU BIG HUNK OF GENIUS... GET OUT OF HERE.

YOU BIG HUNK OF GENIUS... GET OUT OF HERE. AND IF ANY OF YOU THINK I'M OFF

OUT OF HERE. AND IF ANY OF YOU THINK I'M OFF BASE ON THIS, I'M SORRY, BUT

AND IF ANY OF YOU THINK I'M OFF BASE ON THIS, I'M SORRY, BUT THAT'S THE WAY I FEEL.

BASE ON THIS, I'M SORRY, BUT THAT'S THE WAY I FEEL. NOW GET LOST.

THAT'S THE WAY I FEEL. NOW GET LOST. GET OUT OF HERE, YOU MANIACS.

NOW GET LOST. GET OUT OF HERE, YOU MANIACS. I MEAN IT.

GET OUT OF HERE, YOU MANIACS. I MEAN IT. JANE CURTIN, YOU SHACKED UP WITH

I MEAN IT. JANE CURTIN, YOU SHACKED UP WITH WOODY SEVERAL TIMES.

JANE CURTIN, YOU SHACKED UP WITH WOODY SEVERAL TIMES. I KNOW YOU FEEL JUST AS STRONGLY

WOODY SEVERAL TIMES. I KNOW YOU FEEL JUST AS STRONGLY AS I DO, DON'T YOU?

I KNOW YOU FEEL JUST AS STRONGLY AS I DO, DON'T YOU? I DO, BILL.

AS I DO, DON'T YOU? I DO, BILL. SEE YOU LATER.

I DO, BILL. SEE YOU LATER. THANKS A LOT, BILL.

SEE YOU LATER. THANKS A LOT, BILL. I AGREE WITH YOU FOR ONE, YOU

THANKS A LOT, BILL. I AGREE WITH YOU FOR ONE, YOU KNOW?

I AGREE WITH YOU FOR ONE, YOU KNOW? TRIVIA EXPERTS HAVE LONG

KNOW? TRIVIA EXPERTS HAVE LONG SPECULATED ON THE IDENTITY OF

TRIVIA EXPERTS HAVE LONG SPECULATED ON THE IDENTITY OF THE MODELS WHO POSED FOR THE

SPECULATED ON THE IDENTITY OF THE MODELS WHO POSED FOR THE DUTCH MASTERS CIGAR BOX.

THE MODELS WHO POSED FOR THE DUTCH MASTERS CIGAR BOX. WELL, THIS WEEK THE CONSOLIDATED

DUTCH MASTERS CIGAR BOX. WELL, THIS WEEK THE CONSOLIDATED CIGAR CORPORATION REVEALED THAT

WELL, THIS WEEK THE CONSOLIDATED CIGAR CORPORATION REVEALED THAT THE MODELS WERE THE ORIGINAL

CIGAR CORPORATION REVEALED THAT THE MODELS WERE THE ORIGINAL CAST MEMBERS OF THE VINTAGE TV

THE MODELS WERE THE ORIGINAL CAST MEMBERS OF THE VINTAGE TV SERIES "FATHER KNOWS BEST."

CAST MEMBERS OF THE VINTAGE TV SERIES "FATHER KNOWS BEST." IT'S GOOD TO SEE THEM AGAIN...

SERIES "FATHER KNOWS BEST." IT'S GOOD TO SEE THEM AGAIN... BIT OF TRIVIA THERE FOR YOU.

IT'S GOOD TO SEE THEM AGAIN... BIT OF TRIVIA THERE FOR YOU. THE WHITE HOUSE ANNOUNCED

BIT OF TRIVIA THERE FOR YOU. THE WHITE HOUSE ANNOUNCED YESTERDAY THAT PRESIDENT CARTER

THE WHITE HOUSE ANNOUNCED YESTERDAY THAT PRESIDENT CARTER WILL MAKE ANOTHER POINTLESS

YESTERDAY THAT PRESIDENT CARTER WILL MAKE ANOTHER POINTLESS INTERNATIONAL TRIP BEGINNING

WILL MAKE ANOTHER POINTLESS INTERNATIONAL TRIP BEGINNING MARCH 28th, WHEN HE WILL VISIT

INTERNATIONAL TRIP BEGINNING MARCH 28th, WHEN HE WILL VISIT VENEZUELA, BRAZIL, NIGERIA, AND

MARCH 28th, WHEN HE WILL VISIT VENEZUELA, BRAZIL, NIGERIA, AND LIBYA.

VENEZUELA, BRAZIL, NIGERIA, AND LIBYA. IN ORDER TO AVOID ANOTHER

LIBYA. IN ORDER TO AVOID ANOTHER EMBARRASSMENT, LIKE THE POLISH

IN ORDER TO AVOID ANOTHER EMBARRASSMENT, LIKE THE POLISH INTERPRETER FIASCO LAST JANUARY,

EMBARRASSMENT, LIKE THE POLISH INTERPRETER FIASCO LAST JANUARY, CARTER WILL TAKE ALONG AS HIS

INTERPRETER FIASCO LAST JANUARY, CARTER WILL TAKE ALONG AS HIS OFFICIAL INTERPRETERS THE

CARTER WILL TAKE ALONG AS HIS OFFICIAL INTERPRETERS THE PANTOMIME TEAM OF SHIELDS AND

OFFICIAL INTERPRETERS THE PANTOMIME TEAM OF SHIELDS AND YARNELL.

PANTOMIME TEAM OF SHIELDS AND YARNELL. SENATOR GEORGE McGOVERN.

YARNELL. SENATOR GEORGE McGOVERN. IN LOCAL SPORTS ACTION THIS

SENATOR GEORGE McGOVERN. IN LOCAL SPORTS ACTION THIS WEEK, THE

IN LOCAL SPORTS ACTION THIS WEEK, THE NEW YORK KNICKERBOCKERS ENJOYED

WEEK, THE NEW YORK KNICKERBOCKERS ENJOYED A 3-GAME WINNING STREAK,

NEW YORK KNICKERBOCKERS ENJOYED A 3-GAME WINNING STREAK, SECURING THEIR SECOND-PLACE

A 3-GAME WINNING STREAK, SECURING THEIR SECOND-PLACE POSITION IN THE NBA EASTERN

SECURING THEIR SECOND-PLACE POSITION IN THE NBA EASTERN DIVISION AND ALMOST ASSURING

POSITION IN THE NBA EASTERN DIVISION AND ALMOST ASSURING THEM OF A SPOT IN THE UPCOMING

DIVISION AND ALMOST ASSURING THEM OF A SPOT IN THE UPCOMING PLAYOFFS.

THEM OF A SPOT IN THE UPCOMING PLAYOFFS. A JUBILANT KNICK COACH,

PLAYOFFS. A JUBILANT KNICK COACH, WILLIS REED, CELEBRATED THE

A JUBILANT KNICK COACH, WILLIS REED, CELEBRATED THE OCCASION BY CHEWING ON THE LEG

WILLIS REED, CELEBRATED THE OCCASION BY CHEWING ON THE LEG OF EARL MONROE, HIS BEST PLAYER.

OCCASION BY CHEWING ON THE LEG OF EARL MONROE, HIS BEST PLAYER. ALSO IN SPORTS, "WEEKEND UPDATE"

OF EARL MONROE, HIS BEST PLAYER. ALSO IN SPORTS, "WEEKEND UPDATE" HAS ONCE AGAIN BROKEN NEW GROUND

ALSO IN SPORTS, "WEEKEND UPDATE" HAS ONCE AGAIN BROKEN NEW GROUND IN BROADCAST JOURNALISM, AS

HAS ONCE AGAIN BROKEN NEW GROUND IN BROADCAST JOURNALISM, AS LARAINE NEWMAN BECOMES THE FIRST

IN BROADCAST JOURNALISM, AS LARAINE NEWMAN BECOMES THE FIRST WOMAN REPORTER EVER TO SET FOOT

LARAINE NEWMAN BECOMES THE FIRST WOMAN REPORTER EVER TO SET FOOT IN THE ALL-MALE LOCKER ROOM OF A

WOMAN REPORTER EVER TO SET FOOT IN THE ALL-MALE LOCKER ROOM OF A PROFESSIONAL FOOTBALL TEAM.

IN THE ALL-MALE LOCKER ROOM OF A PROFESSIONAL FOOTBALL TEAM. LARAINE?

PROFESSIONAL FOOTBALL TEAM. LARAINE? THIS MAY BE A FIRST FOR

LARAINE? THIS MAY BE A FIRST FOR "UPDATE," JANE, BUT IT'S NOT A

THIS MAY BE A FIRST FOR "UPDATE," JANE, BUT IT'S NOT A FIRST FOR ME.

"UPDATE," JANE, BUT IT'S NOT A FIRST FOR ME. I'M STANDING HERE WITH

FIRST FOR ME. I'M STANDING HERE WITH BUFFALO BILLS STAR RUNNING BACK

I'M STANDING HERE WITH BUFFALO BILLS STAR RUNNING BACK O.J. SIMPSON.

BUFFALO BILLS STAR RUNNING BACK O.J. SIMPSON. O.J., I DON'T KNOW MUCH ABOUT

O.J. SIMPSON. O.J., I DON'T KNOW MUCH ABOUT FOOTBALL, BUT I KNOW WHAT I

O.J., I DON'T KNOW MUCH ABOUT FOOTBALL, BUT I KNOW WHAT I LIKE.

FOOTBALL, BUT I KNOW WHAT I LIKE. JANE, I SWEAR I'VE NEVER SEEN

LIKE. JANE, I SWEAR I'VE NEVER SEEN ANYTHING LIKE THIS BEFORE.

JANE, I SWEAR I'VE NEVER SEEN ANYTHING LIKE THIS BEFORE. I DON'T REALLY HAVE ANY

ANYTHING LIKE THIS BEFORE. I DON'T REALLY HAVE ANY QUESTIONS PREPARED, O.J., BUT

I DON'T REALLY HAVE ANY QUESTIONS PREPARED, O.J., BUT HOW LONG DO YOU THINK YOU'LL

QUESTIONS PREPARED, O.J., BUT HOW LONG DO YOU THINK YOU'LL CONTINUE TO PLAY THE GAME?

HOW LONG DO YOU THINK YOU'LL CONTINUE TO PLAY THE GAME? WELL, JANE... I MEAN,

CONTINUE TO PLAY THE GAME? WELL, JANE... I MEAN, LARAINE, I'M NOT QUITE READY TO

WELL, JANE... I MEAN, LARAINE, I'M NOT QUITE READY TO QUIT NOW.

LARAINE, I'M NOT QUITE READY TO QUIT NOW. I'M REALLY PLANNING ON HAVING

QUIT NOW. I'M REALLY PLANNING ON HAVING ABOUT A 10-TO 12-YEAR CAREER.

I'M REALLY PLANNING ON HAVING ABOUT A 10-TO 12-YEAR CAREER. THAT'S ODD.

ABOUT A 10-TO 12-YEAR CAREER. THAT'S ODD. I WOULD HAVE GUESSED MORE ABOUT

THAT'S ODD. I WOULD HAVE GUESSED MORE ABOUT 11 TO 12.

I WOULD HAVE GUESSED MORE ABOUT 11 TO 12. WELL, MAYBE I WILL IF MY

11 TO 12. WELL, MAYBE I WILL IF MY KNEES HOLD UP.

WELL, MAYBE I WILL IF MY KNEES HOLD UP. WELL, SPEAKING OF WHICH, HOW

KNEES HOLD UP. WELL, SPEAKING OF WHICH, HOW IS THAT KNEE?

WELL, SPEAKING OF WHICH, HOW IS THAT KNEE? WELL, AS YOU CAN SEE... HEY,

IS THAT KNEE? WELL, AS YOU CAN SEE... HEY, CAN YOU GET THE CAMERA DOWN

WELL, AS YOU CAN SEE... HEY, CAN YOU GET THE CAMERA DOWN HERE?

CAN YOU GET THE CAMERA DOWN HERE? UH, NO, I DON'T THINK SO,

HERE? UH, NO, I DON'T THINK SO, O.J.

UH, NO, I DON'T THINK SO, O.J. ARE YOU SATISFIED PLAYING THE

O.J. ARE YOU SATISFIED PLAYING THE BUFFALO BUNS OR, UH, WOULD YOU

ARE YOU SATISFIED PLAYING THE BUFFALO BUNS OR, UH, WOULD YOU RATHER GO FOR A SHOT AT THE

BUFFALO BUNS OR, UH, WOULD YOU RATHER GO FOR A SHOT AT THE SUPER BOWL CONTENDER BEFORE YOU

RATHER GO FOR A SHOT AT THE SUPER BOWL CONTENDER BEFORE YOU RETIRE?

SUPER BOWL CONTENDER BEFORE YOU RETIRE? WELL, CERTAINLY.

RETIRE? WELL, CERTAINLY. EVERY PLAYER DREAMS OF HAVING

WELL, CERTAINLY. EVERY PLAYER DREAMS OF HAVING THAT COVETED SUPER BOWL RING.

EVERY PLAYER DREAMS OF HAVING THAT COVETED SUPER BOWL RING. WELL, THANK YOU FOR BEING SO

THAT COVETED SUPER BOWL RING. WELL, THANK YOU FOR BEING SO OPEN WITH US, O.J.

WELL, THANK YOU FOR BEING SO OPEN WITH US, O.J. I'M VERY EXCITED TO BE HERE,

OPEN WITH US, O.J. I'M VERY EXCITED TO BE HERE, AND, FROM THE LOOKS OF THINGS,

I'M VERY EXCITED TO BE HERE, AND, FROM THE LOOKS OF THINGS, IT SEEMS THE FEELING IS MUTUAL.

AND, FROM THE LOOKS OF THINGS, IT SEEMS THE FEELING IS MUTUAL. LARAINE NEWMAN REPORTING.

IT SEEMS THE FEELING IS MUTUAL. LARAINE NEWMAN REPORTING. BACK TO YOU, DAN.

LARAINE NEWMAN REPORTING. BACK TO YOU, DAN. IN BUFFALO, NEW YORK, THE

BACK TO YOU, DAN. IN BUFFALO, NEW YORK, THE HEAVY SNOWFALLS THIS MONTH

IN BUFFALO, NEW YORK, THE HEAVY SNOWFALLS THIS MONTH ATTRACTED A NUMBER OF

HEAVY SNOWFALLS THIS MONTH ATTRACTED A NUMBER OF OUT-OF-TOWN TOURISTS WHO THOUGHT

ATTRACTED A NUMBER OF OUT-OF-TOWN TOURISTS WHO THOUGHT THAT THE WHITE, POWDERY STUFF

OUT-OF-TOWN TOURISTS WHO THOUGHT THAT THE WHITE, POWDERY STUFF WAS SOMETHING OTHER THAN SNOW.

THAT THE WHITE, POWDERY STUFF WAS SOMETHING OTHER THAN SNOW. PICTURED HERE IS A BUFFALO

WAS SOMETHING OTHER THAN SNOW. PICTURED HERE IS A BUFFALO HOSPITAL CLINIC, WHICH WAS KEPT

PICTURED HERE IS A BUFFALO HOSPITAL CLINIC, WHICH WAS KEPT BUSY TREATING HUNDREDS OF CASES

HOSPITAL CLINIC, WHICH WAS KEPT BUSY TREATING HUNDREDS OF CASES OF SEVERE NASAL FROSTBITE.

BUSY TREATING HUNDREDS OF CASES OF SEVERE NASAL FROSTBITE. JANE?

OF SEVERE NASAL FROSTBITE. JANE? AND NOW FOR TONIGHT'S

JANE? AND NOW FOR TONIGHT'S CONSUMER REPORT, IT'S

AND NOW FOR TONIGHT'S CONSUMER REPORT, IT'S ROSEANNE ROSANNADANNA.

CONSUMER REPORT, IT'S ROSEANNE ROSANNADANNA. THANK YOU, JANE.

ROSEANNE ROSANNADANNA. THANK YOU, JANE. THANK YOU.

THANK YOU, JANE. THANK YOU. TELL ME, ROSEANNE.

THANK YOU. TELL ME, ROSEANNE. WHAT ARE WE GONNA TALK ABOUT

TELL ME, ROSEANNE. WHAT ARE WE GONNA TALK ABOUT TONIGHT?

WHAT ARE WE GONNA TALK ABOUT TONIGHT? WELL, JANE, MR. BOB VAN REIM

TONIGHT? WELL, JANE, MR. BOB VAN REIM OF HARMON COVE, NEW JERSEY,

WELL, JANE, MR. BOB VAN REIM OF HARMON COVE, NEW JERSEY, WRITES IN AND ASKS, "DEAR

OF HARMON COVE, NEW JERSEY, WRITES IN AND ASKS, "DEAR ROSEANNE ROSANNADANNA, I'M

WRITES IN AND ASKS, "DEAR ROSEANNE ROSANNADANNA, I'M HAVING A LOT OF TROUBLE WITH MY

ROSEANNE ROSANNADANNA, I'M HAVING A LOT OF TROUBLE WITH MY TEETH.

HAVING A LOT OF TROUBLE WITH MY TEETH. CAN YOU TELL ME WHAT CAUSES

TEETH. CAN YOU TELL ME WHAT CAUSES DENTAL DISEASE?

CAN YOU TELL ME WHAT CAUSES DENTAL DISEASE? WHAT IS DENTAL PLAQUE?

DENTAL DISEASE? WHAT IS DENTAL PLAQUE? HOW CAN I AVOID PLAQUE AND

WHAT IS DENTAL PLAQUE? HOW CAN I AVOID PLAQUE AND DENTAL DISEASE?

HOW CAN I AVOID PLAQUE AND DENTAL DISEASE? HOW CAN I SEE PLAQUE?

DENTAL DISEASE? HOW CAN I SEE PLAQUE? HOW OFTEN SHOULD I SEE MY

HOW CAN I SEE PLAQUE? HOW OFTEN SHOULD I SEE MY DENTIST?

HOW OFTEN SHOULD I SEE MY DENTIST? WHAT KIND OF TOOTHBRUSH SHOULD I

DENTIST? WHAT KIND OF TOOTHBRUSH SHOULD I USE?

WHAT KIND OF TOOTHBRUSH SHOULD I USE? WHAT KIND OF DENTAL FLOSS SHOULD

USE? WHAT KIND OF DENTAL FLOSS SHOULD I USE?

WHAT KIND OF DENTAL FLOSS SHOULD I USE? HOW DO I FLOSS CORRECTLY?

I USE? HOW DO I FLOSS CORRECTLY? HOW DOES FLUORIDE HELP PREVENT

HOW DO I FLOSS CORRECTLY? HOW DOES FLUORIDE HELP PREVENT DECAY?

HOW DOES FLUORIDE HELP PREVENT DECAY? SHOULD I USE A FLUORIDE

DECAY? SHOULD I USE A FLUORIDE TOOTHPASTE?"

SHOULD I USE A FLUORIDE TOOTHPASTE?" MR. VAN REIM, YOU ASK A LOT OF

TOOTHPASTE?" MR. VAN REIM, YOU ASK A LOT OF STUPID QUESTIONS.

MR. VAN REIM, YOU ASK A LOT OF STUPID QUESTIONS. BUT LET ME ASK YOU THIS.

STUPID QUESTIONS. BUT LET ME ASK YOU THIS. DID YOU EVER FIND A THING

BUT LET ME ASK YOU THIS. DID YOU EVER FIND A THING BETWEEN YOUR TEETH, AND YOU

DID YOU EVER FIND A THING BETWEEN YOUR TEETH, AND YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS?

BETWEEN YOUR TEETH, AND YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS? YOU LOOK AT IT, AND YOU PLAY

DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS? YOU LOOK AT IT, AND YOU PLAY WITH IT WITH YOUR FINGERS, AND

YOU LOOK AT IT, AND YOU PLAY WITH IT WITH YOUR FINGERS, AND YOU SAY, "WHAT IS THIS THING?

WITH IT WITH YOUR FINGERS, AND YOU SAY, "WHAT IS THIS THING? I DON'T REMEMBER EATING THAT."

YOU SAY, "WHAT IS THIS THING? I DON'T REMEMBER EATING THAT." AND THEN YOU TRY TO FLICK IT

I DON'T REMEMBER EATING THAT." AND THEN YOU TRY TO FLICK IT AWAY, YOU KNOW?

AND THEN YOU TRY TO FLICK IT AWAY, YOU KNOW? OR YOU WIPE IT UNDER YOUR CHAIR

AWAY, YOU KNOW? OR YOU WIPE IT UNDER YOUR CHAIR OR SOMETHING.

OR YOU WIPE IT UNDER YOUR CHAIR OR SOMETHING. ONE TIME, I,

OR SOMETHING. ONE TIME, I, ROSEANNE ROSANNADANNA, WAS

ONE TIME, I, ROSEANNE ROSANNADANNA, WAS EATING A SPARE RIB, AND A

ROSEANNE ROSANNADANNA, WAS EATING A SPARE RIB, AND A LITTLE SHRED OF IT GOT CAUGHT

EATING A SPARE RIB, AND A LITTLE SHRED OF IT GOT CAUGHT RIGHT HERE.

LITTLE SHRED OF IT GOT CAUGHT RIGHT HERE. WELL, I THOUGHT I WAS GONNA DIE!

RIGHT HERE. WELL, I THOUGHT I WAS GONNA DIE! I TRIED EVERYTHING TO GET THAT

WELL, I THOUGHT I WAS GONNA DIE! I TRIED EVERYTHING TO GET THAT SHREDDED THING OUT OF THERE.

I TRIED EVERYTHING TO GET THAT SHREDDED THING OUT OF THERE. I TRIED TO SUCK IT OUT, LIKE

SHREDDED THING OUT OF THERE. I TRIED TO SUCK IT OUT, LIKE THIS.

I TRIED TO SUCK IT OUT, LIKE THIS. AND YOU KNOW WHAT?

THIS. AND YOU KNOW WHAT? THEN, SOMEONE SAID TO ME, "HEY,

AND YOU KNOW WHAT? THEN, SOMEONE SAID TO ME, "HEY, ROSEANNE ROSANNADANNA, WHAT'S

THEN, SOMEONE SAID TO ME, "HEY, ROSEANNE ROSANNADANNA, WHAT'S THE MATTER, YOU GOT BIRDS IN

ROSEANNE ROSANNADANNA, WHAT'S THE MATTER, YOU GOT BIRDS IN YOUR MOUTH?"

THE MATTER, YOU GOT BIRDS IN YOUR MOUTH?" SO, THEN, I TRIED A MATCHBOOK

YOUR MOUTH?" SO, THEN, I TRIED A MATCHBOOK COVER.

SO, THEN, I TRIED A MATCHBOOK COVER. BUT YOU KNOW WHAT?

COVER. BUT YOU KNOW WHAT? A PART OF THE CARDBOARD GOT

BUT YOU KNOW WHAT? A PART OF THE CARDBOARD GOT CAUGHT IN MY TEETH.

A PART OF THE CARDBOARD GOT CAUGHT IN MY TEETH. SO I TRIED A TOOTHPICK, AND A

CAUGHT IN MY TEETH. SO I TRIED A TOOTHPICK, AND A PIECE OF THAT BROKE OFF IN

SO I TRIED A TOOTHPICK, AND A PIECE OF THAT BROKE OFF IN THERE, TOO.

PIECE OF THAT BROKE OFF IN THERE, TOO. SO I GOT ONE OF THOSE SPECIAL

THERE, TOO. SO I GOT ONE OF THOSE SPECIAL TOOTHBRUSHES, WITH THE RUBBER

SO I GOT ONE OF THOSE SPECIAL TOOTHBRUSHES, WITH THE RUBBER THING AT THE END OF IT.

TOOTHBRUSHES, WITH THE RUBBER THING AT THE END OF IT. IT KIND OF LOOKS LIKE A NIPPLE?

THING AT THE END OF IT. IT KIND OF LOOKS LIKE A NIPPLE? AND THEN I STARTED PUSHING THE

IT KIND OF LOOKS LIKE A NIPPLE? AND THEN I STARTED PUSHING THE NIPPLE IN THERE, AND THEN YOU

AND THEN I STARTED PUSHING THE NIPPLE IN THERE, AND THEN YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENED?

NIPPLE IN THERE, AND THEN YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENED? MY GUMS STARTED TO BLEED!

KNOW WHAT HAPPENED? MY GUMS STARTED TO BLEED! SO I SAID TO MYSELF,

MY GUMS STARTED TO BLEED! SO I SAID TO MYSELF, "ROSEANNE ROSANNADANNA, YOU

SO I SAID TO MYSELF, "ROSEANNE ROSANNADANNA, YOU BETTER SEE A DENTIST."

"ROSEANNE ROSANNADANNA, YOU BETTER SEE A DENTIST." SO I GO, AND HE PUTS A LOT OF

BETTER SEE A DENTIST." SO I GO, AND HE PUTS A LOT OF MORE THINGS IN MY MOUTH... A

SO I GO, AND HE PUTS A LOT OF MORE THINGS IN MY MOUTH... A DRILL, PICKERS, A MIRROR, COTTON

MORE THINGS IN MY MOUTH... A DRILL, PICKERS, A MIRROR, COTTON SWABS, A THING THAT BLOWS AIR, A

DRILL, PICKERS, A MIRROR, COTTON SWABS, A THING THAT BLOWS AIR, A THING THAT BLOWS WATER, SOME

SWABS, A THING THAT BLOWS AIR, A THING THAT BLOWS WATER, SOME METAL RODS, HIS FINGER, A

THING THAT BLOWS WATER, SOME METAL RODS, HIS FINGER, A NURSE'S FINGER, A LITTLE RUBBER

METAL RODS, HIS FINGER, A NURSE'S FINGER, A LITTLE RUBBER TENT.

NURSE'S FINGER, A LITTLE RUBBER TENT. MY MOUTH... IT LOOKED LIKE

TENT. MY MOUTH... IT LOOKED LIKE WOODSTOCK.

MY MOUTH... IT LOOKED LIKE WOODSTOCK. AND YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENED AT

WOODSTOCK. AND YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENED AT WOODSTOCK... TWO PEOPLE DIED!

AND YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENED AT WOODSTOCK... TWO PEOPLE DIED! NOW DID YOU EVER NOTICE...

WOODSTOCK... TWO PEOPLE DIED! NOW DID YOU EVER NOTICE... WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING

NOW DID YOU EVER NOTICE... WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?!

WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?! EXCUSE ME!

ABOUT?! EXCUSE ME! THIS GUY WRITES IN SOME

EXCUSE ME! THIS GUY WRITES IN SOME INTELLIGENT QUESTIONS, AND YOU

THIS GUY WRITES IN SOME INTELLIGENT QUESTIONS, AND YOU START TALKING ABOUT TOOTHPICKS

INTELLIGENT QUESTIONS, AND YOU START TALKING ABOUT TOOTHPICKS AND WOODSTOCK.

START TALKING ABOUT TOOTHPICKS AND WOODSTOCK. WELL, JANE, IT JUST GOES TO

AND WOODSTOCK. WELL, JANE, IT JUST GOES TO SHOW YOU, IT'S ALWAYS SOMETHING.

WELL, JANE, IT JUST GOES TO SHOW YOU, IT'S ALWAYS SOMETHING. IT'S LIKE MY FATHER USED TO SAY

SHOW YOU, IT'S ALWAYS SOMETHING. IT'S LIKE MY FATHER USED TO SAY TO ME BEFORE I WENT TO BED.

IT'S LIKE MY FATHER USED TO SAY TO ME BEFORE I WENT TO BED. HE'D SAY, "MY LITTLE

TO ME BEFORE I WENT TO BED. HE'D SAY, "MY LITTLE ROSEANNE ROSANNADANNA, MAKE SURE

HE'D SAY, "MY LITTLE ROSEANNE ROSANNADANNA, MAKE SURE YOU DON'T END UP BEING ONE OF

ROSEANNE ROSANNADANNA, MAKE SURE YOU DON'T END UP BEING ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE WHO HAVE SOME

YOU DON'T END UP BEING ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE WHO HAVE SOME SALIVA ON YOUR LIP RIGHT HERE IN

THOSE PEOPLE WHO HAVE SOME SALIVA ON YOUR LIP RIGHT HERE IN THE MIDDLE.

SALIVA ON YOUR LIP RIGHT HERE IN THE MIDDLE. 'CAUSE SOMETIMES WHEN THEY TALK,

THE MIDDLE. 'CAUSE SOMETIMES WHEN THEY TALK, A LITTLE, THIN STRING OF IT

'CAUSE SOMETIMES WHEN THEY TALK, A LITTLE, THIN STRING OF IT CATCHES HERE AND GOES UP AND

A LITTLE, THIN STRING OF IT CATCHES HERE AND GOES UP AND DOWN AND UP AND DOWN AND UP AND

CATCHES HERE AND GOES UP AND DOWN AND UP AND DOWN AND UP AND DOWN AND AND CATCHES ALL AROUND.

DOWN AND UP AND DOWN AND UP AND DOWN AND AND CATCHES ALL AROUND. AND NOBODY HEARS WHAT THEY'RE

DOWN AND AND CATCHES ALL AROUND. AND NOBODY HEARS WHAT THEY'RE SAYING, 'CAUSE THEY'RE TOO BUSY

AND NOBODY HEARS WHAT THEY'RE SAYING, 'CAUSE THEY'RE TOO BUSY WATCHING THE SPIT GOING UP AND

SAYING, 'CAUSE THEY'RE TOO BUSY WATCHING THE SPIT GOING UP AND DOWN AND UP AND DOWN AND UP AND

WATCHING THE SPIT GOING UP AND DOWN AND UP AND DOWN AND UP AND DOWN.

DOWN AND UP AND DOWN AND UP AND DOWN. GOOD NIGHT, MY LITTLE

DOWN. GOOD NIGHT, MY LITTLE ROSEANNE ROSANNADANNA."

GOOD NIGHT, MY LITTLE ROSEANNE ROSANNADANNA." AND THAT'S THE NEWS.

ROSEANNE ROSANNADANNA." AND THAT'S THE NEWS. GOOD NIGHT AND HAVE A PLEASANT

AND THAT'S THE NEWS. GOOD NIGHT AND HAVE A PLEASANT TOMORROW.

GOOD NIGHT AND HAVE A PLEASANT TOMORROW. Announcer: THIS PORTION OF

TOMORROW. Announcer: THIS PORTION OF "WEEKEND UPDATE" HAS BEEN

Announcer: THIS PORTION OF "WEEKEND UPDATE" HAS BEEN BROUGHT TO YOU BY MR. NIPPLE.

"WEEKEND UPDATE" HAS BEEN BROUGHT TO YOU BY MR. NIPPLE. IT'S LIKE SETTING FIRE TO YOUR

BROUGHT TO YOU BY MR. NIPPLE. IT'S LIKE SETTING FIRE TO YOUR LUNGS.

IT'S THE NFL ON CBS, AND OOH, BROTHER, WHAT A BALLGAME.

BROTHER, WHAT A BALLGAME. THE CHICAGO BEARS ARE FIGHTING

THE CHICAGO BEARS ARE FIGHTING FOR A PLACE IN THE PLAYOFFS IN

FOR A PLACE IN THE PLAYOFFS IN THIS FINAL GAME WITH THE

THIS FINAL GAME WITH THE NEW YORK GIANTS. AND BEAR RUNNING BACK

NEW YORK GIANTS. AND BEAR RUNNING BACK WALTER PAYTON IS JUST 95 YARDS

AND BEAR RUNNING BACK WALTER PAYTON IS JUST 95 YARDS SHORT OF BREAKING THE RECORD FOR

WALTER PAYTON IS JUST 95 YARDS SHORT OF BREAKING THE RECORD FOR MOST YARDS GAINED RUSHING IN A

SHORT OF BREAKING THE RECORD FOR MOST YARDS GAINED RUSHING IN A SEASON.

MOST YARDS GAINED RUSHING IN A SEASON. THAT, OF COURSE, IS THE 2,003

SEASON. THAT, OF COURSE, IS THE 2,003 YARDS GAINED IN 1973 BY

THAT, OF COURSE, IS THE 2,003 YARDS GAINED IN 1973 BY O.J. SIMPSON.

YARDS GAINED IN 1973 BY O.J. SIMPSON. AND THERE'S THE HANDOFF TO 34,

O.J. SIMPSON. AND THERE'S THE HANDOFF TO 34, PAYTON, AND LOOK AT HIM GO!

AND THERE'S THE HANDOFF TO 34, PAYTON, AND LOOK AT HIM GO! HE'S GOT ABOUT 12 YARDS, AND

PAYTON, AND LOOK AT HIM GO! HE'S GOT ABOUT 12 YARDS, AND THAT PUTS HIM 12 YARDS CLOSER TO

HE'S GOT ABOUT 12 YARDS, AND THAT PUTS HIM 12 YARDS CLOSER TO BREAKING O.J.'s RECORD.

THAT PUTS HIM 12 YARDS CLOSER TO BREAKING O.J.'s RECORD. WE'RE GONNA PAUSE FOR THIS

BREAKING O.J.'s RECORD. WE'RE GONNA PAUSE FOR THIS TIME-OUT.

WE'RE GONNA PAUSE FOR THIS TIME-OUT. WHOO!

TIME-OUT. WHOO! SO, ANYHOW, WHO'S READY FOR A

WHOO! SO, ANYHOW, WHO'S READY FOR A BEER?

SO, ANYHOW, WHO'S READY FOR A BEER? REGGIE, AHMAD, A.C.?

BEER? REGGIE, AHMAD, A.C.? HEY, O.J., AREN'T YOU

REGGIE, AHMAD, A.C.? HEY, O.J., AREN'T YOU NERVOUS?

HEY, O.J., AREN'T YOU NERVOUS? HE MIGHT BREAK YOUR RECORD.

NERVOUS? HE MIGHT BREAK YOUR RECORD. OH, REGGIE, YOU KNOW.

HE MIGHT BREAK YOUR RECORD. OH, REGGIE, YOU KNOW. RECORDS AREN'T MONUMENTS.

OH, REGGIE, YOU KNOW. RECORDS AREN'T MONUMENTS. THEY'RE GOALS.

RECORDS AREN'T MONUMENTS. THEY'RE GOALS. THEY'RE MADE TO BE BROKEN.

THEY'RE GOALS. THEY'RE MADE TO BE BROKEN. THEY DON'T LAST FOREVER.

THEY'RE MADE TO BE BROKEN. THEY DON'T LAST FOREVER. WOULDN'T YOU LOVE IT TO LAST

THEY DON'T LAST FOREVER. WOULDN'T YOU LOVE IT TO LAST FOREVER, THOUGH?

WOULDN'T YOU LOVE IT TO LAST FOREVER, THOUGH? OH, SURE.

FOREVER, THOUGH? OH, SURE. IT'S NICE TO THINK THAT YOUR

OH, SURE. IT'S NICE TO THINK THAT YOUR NAME IN SOME RECORD BOOK MAY

IT'S NICE TO THINK THAT YOUR NAME IN SOME RECORD BOOK MAY LEND YOU SOME MEASURE OF

NAME IN SOME RECORD BOOK MAY LEND YOU SOME MEASURE OF IMMORTALITY.

LEND YOU SOME MEASURE OF IMMORTALITY. THAT'S JUST AN ILLUSION.

IMMORTALITY. THAT'S JUST AN ILLUSION. AND WALTER'S SUCH A NICE GUY AND

THAT'S JUST AN ILLUSION. AND WALTER'S SUCH A NICE GUY AND SUPERB RUNNER.

AND WALTER'S SUCH A NICE GUY AND SUPERB RUNNER. HEY, FRANKLY, I HOPE HE DOES

SUPERB RUNNER. HEY, FRANKLY, I HOPE HE DOES BREAK THE RECORD.

HEY, FRANKLY, I HOPE HE DOES BREAK THE RECORD. NOW, WHO WANTS A BEER, HUH?

BREAK THE RECORD. NOW, WHO WANTS A BEER, HUH? I'LL TAKE ONE.

NOW, WHO WANTS A BEER, HUH? I'LL TAKE ONE. I'M GOOD, THANKS.

I'LL TAKE ONE. I'M GOOD, THANKS. ME TOO.

I'M GOOD, THANKS. ME TOO. HEY, JUICE, MY MAN, ARE YOU

ME TOO. HEY, JUICE, MY MAN, ARE YOU KIDDING?

HEY, JUICE, MY MAN, ARE YOU KIDDING? YOU MEAN YOU DON'T MIND IF HE

KIDDING? YOU MEAN YOU DON'T MIND IF HE BREAKS YOUR RECORD?

YOU MEAN YOU DON'T MIND IF HE BREAKS YOUR RECORD? HEY, LOOK.

BREAKS YOUR RECORD? HEY, LOOK. I GOT OTHER RECORDS... MOST

HEY, LOOK. I GOT OTHER RECORDS... MOST TOUCHDOWNS IN A SEASON, MOST

I GOT OTHER RECORDS... MOST TOUCHDOWNS IN A SEASON, MOST 100-YARD GAMES IN A SEASON.

TOUCHDOWNS IN A SEASON, MOST 100-YARD GAMES IN A SEASON. HEY, I DON'T NEED IT.

100-YARD GAMES IN A SEASON. HEY, I DON'T NEED IT. BACK TO THE ACTION NOW.

HEY, I DON'T NEED IT. BACK TO THE ACTION NOW. BEARS IN A NEW BACKFIELD.

BACK TO THE ACTION NOW. BEARS IN A NEW BACKFIELD. AVELLINI CALLS THE SHOTS.

BEARS IN A NEW BACKFIELD. AVELLINI CALLS THE SHOTS. HERE'S THE SNAP.

AVELLINI CALLS THE SHOTS. HERE'S THE SNAP. THE GIVE IS TO WALTER PAYTON.

HERE'S THE SNAP. THE GIVE IS TO WALTER PAYTON. HE'S GOING BY GUARD...

THE GIVE IS TO WALTER PAYTON. HE'S GOING BY GUARD... AND HE FUMBLES THE BALL!

HE'S GOING BY GUARD... AND HE FUMBLES THE BALL! HE FUMBLED THE BALL.

AND HE FUMBLES THE BALL! HE FUMBLED THE BALL. OH, I CAN'T BELIEVE IT!

HE FUMBLED THE BALL. OH, I CAN'T BELIEVE IT! I CAN'T BELIEVE IT!

OH, I CAN'T BELIEVE IT! I CAN'T BELIEVE IT! HE FUMBLED!

I CAN'T BELIEVE IT! HE FUMBLED! HE DID?

HE FUMBLED! HE DID? YEAH!

HE DID? YEAH! WELL, YOU KNOW THE GIANTS ARE

YEAH! WELL, YOU KNOW THE GIANTS ARE GONNA BE KEYING ON WALTER.

WELL, YOU KNOW THE GIANTS ARE GONNA BE KEYING ON WALTER. A SMART THING FOR THEM TO DO IS

GONNA BE KEYING ON WALTER. A SMART THING FOR THEM TO DO IS TO GIVE IT TO SOMEBODY ELSE.

A SMART THING FOR THEM TO DO IS TO GIVE IT TO SOMEBODY ELSE. WHY DON'T THEY GIVE IT TO

TO GIVE IT TO SOMEBODY ELSE. WHY DON'T THEY GIVE IT TO SOMEBODY ELSE?

WHY DON'T THEY GIVE IT TO SOMEBODY ELSE? HAS TO GET IT INTO HIS

SOMEBODY ELSE? HAS TO GET IT INTO HIS BACKFIELD.

HAS TO GET IT INTO HIS BACKFIELD. AVELLINI'S BACK TO PASS.

BACKFIELD. AVELLINI'S BACK TO PASS. HE HITS PAYTON, AND HE'S HIT.

AVELLINI'S BACK TO PASS. HE HITS PAYTON, AND HE'S HIT. HIT HIM! HIT...

HE HITS PAYTON, AND HE'S HIT. HIT HIM! HIT... YOU KNOW WHAT?

HIT HIM! HIT... YOU KNOW WHAT? I WANT SOME MORE CHIPS.

YOU KNOW WHAT? I WANT SOME MORE CHIPS. THAT'S WHAT I WANT, SOME MORE

I WANT SOME MORE CHIPS. THAT'S WHAT I WANT, SOME MORE CHIPS.

THAT'S WHAT I WANT, SOME MORE CHIPS. HEY, MAN, HOW DO YOU THINK

CHIPS. HEY, MAN, HOW DO YOU THINK PAYTON FEELS RIGHT NOW?

HEY, MAN, HOW DO YOU THINK PAYTON FEELS RIGHT NOW? WELL, I DON'T THINK HE'S

PAYTON FEELS RIGHT NOW? WELL, I DON'T THINK HE'S THINKING ABOUT THE RECORD.

WELL, I DON'T THINK HE'S THINKING ABOUT THE RECORD. HE'S JUST WORRIED ABOUT GETTING

THINKING ABOUT THE RECORD. HE'S JUST WORRIED ABOUT GETTING HIS TEAM INTO THE PLAYOFFS.

HE'S JUST WORRIED ABOUT GETTING HIS TEAM INTO THE PLAYOFFS. THERE ARE SOME TEAMS WHO DON'T

HIS TEAM INTO THE PLAYOFFS. THERE ARE SOME TEAMS WHO DON'T WATCH THE PLAYOFFS ON

THERE ARE SOME TEAMS WHO DON'T WATCH THE PLAYOFFS ON TELEVISION.

WATCH THE PLAYOFFS ON TELEVISION. THIS WEATHER'S NOT HELPING,

TELEVISION. THIS WEATHER'S NOT HELPING, WITH THE RAIN.

THIS WEATHER'S NOT HELPING, WITH THE RAIN. THERE'S ICE OUT THERE.

WITH THE RAIN. THERE'S ICE OUT THERE. YEAH.

THERE'S ICE OUT THERE. YEAH. NO, THIS ISN'T GOOD RUNNING

YEAH. NO, THIS ISN'T GOOD RUNNING WEATHER FOR WALTER.

NO, THIS ISN'T GOOD RUNNING WEATHER FOR WALTER. HELPING JOHN MENDENHALL TO

WEATHER FOR WALTER. HELPING JOHN MENDENHALL TO HIS FEET.

HELPING JOHN MENDENHALL TO HIS FEET. YOU GOT TO ADMIT.

HIS FEET. YOU GOT TO ADMIT. WALTER'S ONE OF THE FINEST

YOU GOT TO ADMIT. WALTER'S ONE OF THE FINEST GENTLEMEN EVER TO PLAY THE GAME.

WALTER'S ONE OF THE FINEST GENTLEMEN EVER TO PLAY THE GAME. I DOUBT IF THERE'S ANYONE WHO

GENTLEMEN EVER TO PLAY THE GAME. I DOUBT IF THERE'S ANYONE WHO DOESN'T WANT TO SEE HIM BREAK

I DOUBT IF THERE'S ANYONE WHO DOESN'T WANT TO SEE HIM BREAK O.J.'s RECORD.

DOESN'T WANT TO SEE HIM BREAK O.J.'s RECORD. GEE, I'D KIND OF LIKE TO SEE

O.J.'s RECORD. GEE, I'D KIND OF LIKE TO SEE PAYTON BREAK THE RECORD.

GEE, I'D KIND OF LIKE TO SEE PAYTON BREAK THE RECORD. O.J., HOW ABOUT THAT BEER?

PAYTON BREAK THE RECORD. O.J., HOW ABOUT THAT BEER? GET IT YOURSELF.

O.J., HOW ABOUT THAT BEER? GET IT YOURSELF. WE'RE INTO THE OVERTIME

GET IT YOURSELF. WE'RE INTO THE OVERTIME PERIOD NOW, AND IT MAY JUST TURN

WE'RE INTO THE OVERTIME PERIOD NOW, AND IT MAY JUST TURN OUT TO BE THE WEATHER THAT STOPS

PERIOD NOW, AND IT MAY JUST TURN OUT TO BE THE WEATHER THAT STOPS WALTER PAYTON TODAY.

OUT TO BE THE WEATHER THAT STOPS WALTER PAYTON TODAY. OF COURSE, WHEN I BROKE THE

WALTER PAYTON TODAY. OF COURSE, WHEN I BROKE THE RECORD, I WAS PLAYING IN

OF COURSE, WHEN I BROKE THE RECORD, I WAS PLAYING IN BUFFALO, AND YOU KNOW WHAT THE

RECORD, I WAS PLAYING IN BUFFALO, AND YOU KNOW WHAT THE WEATHER IS LIKE THERE.

BUFFALO, AND YOU KNOW WHAT THE WEATHER IS LIKE THERE. IF I RECALL, THERE WAS A PRETTY

WEATHER IS LIKE THERE. IF I RECALL, THERE WAS A PRETTY STRONG HEADWIND AT THE TIME, AND

IF I RECALL, THERE WAS A PRETTY STRONG HEADWIND AT THE TIME, AND I PROBABLY COULD HAVE HAD 200 OR

STRONG HEADWIND AT THE TIME, AND I PROBABLY COULD HAVE HAD 200 OR 300 MORE YARDS IF IT WASN'T FOR

I PROBABLY COULD HAVE HAD 200 OR 300 MORE YARDS IF IT WASN'T FOR THE SNOW, BUT, HEY, I'M NOT

300 MORE YARDS IF IT WASN'T FOR THE SNOW, BUT, HEY, I'M NOT TRYING TO TAKE ANYTHING AWAY

THE SNOW, BUT, HEY, I'M NOT TRYING TO TAKE ANYTHING AWAY FROM WALTER, 'CAUSE HE'S A

TRYING TO TAKE ANYTHING AWAY FROM WALTER, 'CAUSE HE'S A GENTLEMAN.

FROM WALTER, 'CAUSE HE'S A GENTLEMAN. I DID SAY HE WAS A GENTLEMAN,

GENTLEMAN. I DID SAY HE WAS A GENTLEMAN, DIDN'T I?

I DID SAY HE WAS A GENTLEMAN, DIDN'T I? YEAH, YEAH.

DIDN'T I? YEAH, YEAH. HEY, HEY, THIS IS IT.

YEAH, YEAH. HEY, HEY, THIS IS IT. THIS IS IT.

HEY, HEY, THIS IS IT. THIS IS IT. HE COULD DO IT HERE.

THIS IS IT. HE COULD DO IT HERE. LAST CHANCE AT ANY YARDAGE,

HE COULD DO IT HERE. LAST CHANCE AT ANY YARDAGE, FOLKS.

LAST CHANCE AT ANY YARDAGE, FOLKS. THERE'S THE GIVE, AND THE GIVE

FOLKS. THERE'S THE GIVE, AND THE GIVE IS TO WALTER PAYTON.

THERE'S THE GIVE, AND THE GIVE IS TO WALTER PAYTON. HE TRIES RIGHT TACKLE, AND HE'S

IS TO WALTER PAYTON. HE TRIES RIGHT TACKLE, AND HE'S UP TO THE LINE OF SCRIMMAGE.

HE TRIES RIGHT TACKLE, AND HE'S UP TO THE LINE OF SCRIMMAGE. IT DOESN'T LOOK LIKE

UP TO THE LINE OF SCRIMMAGE. IT DOESN'T LOOK LIKE WALTER PAYTON WILL BE BREAKING

IT DOESN'T LOOK LIKE WALTER PAYTON WILL BE BREAKING O.J. SIMPSON'S RECORD TODAY.

WALTER PAYTON WILL BE BREAKING O.J. SIMPSON'S RECORD TODAY. THAT'S TOO BAD.

O.J. SIMPSON'S RECORD TODAY. THAT'S TOO BAD. THAT'S A SHAME.

THAT'S TOO BAD. THAT'S A SHAME. WELL, HE GAVE IT A NICE TRY,

THAT'S A SHAME. WELL, HE GAVE IT A NICE TRY, HUH?

WELL, HE GAVE IT A NICE TRY, HUH? EXCUSE ME A MINUTE.

I'M NUMBER ONE! I'M NUMBER ONE! JUICE, JUICE, JUICE, JUICE!

I'M NUMBER ONE! JUICE, JUICE, JUICE, JUICE! CHAMPAGNE FOR ANYONE?

JUICE, JUICE, JUICE, JUICE! CHAMPAGNE FOR ANYONE? ♪ I'LL TAKE MANHATTAN ♪

Announcer: IT'S TIME FOR "THE FRANKEN AND DAVIS SHOW," STARRING AL FRANKEN AND

FRANKEN AND DAVIS SHOW," STARRING AL FRANKEN AND TOM DAVIS.

STARRING AL FRANKEN AND TOM DAVIS. AND NOW HERE'S AL AND TOM.

TOM DAVIS. AND NOW HERE'S AL AND TOM. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

THANK YOU. THANK YOU VERY MUCH, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN. BUT WE ARE NOT GONNA HAVE THE

GENTLEMEN. BUT WE ARE NOT GONNA HAVE THE REGULAR "FRANKEN AND DAVIS SHOW"

BUT WE ARE NOT GONNA HAVE THE REGULAR "FRANKEN AND DAVIS SHOW" TONIGHT.

REGULAR "FRANKEN AND DAVIS SHOW" TONIGHT. YOU SEE, OVER CHRISTMAS

TONIGHT. YOU SEE, OVER CHRISTMAS VACATION, WE DISCOVERED THAT

YOU SEE, OVER CHRISTMAS VACATION, WE DISCOVERED THAT AL FRANKEN, MY PARTNER, HAS A

VACATION, WE DISCOVERED THAT AL FRANKEN, MY PARTNER, HAS A MALIGNANT BRAIN TUMOR, WHICH IS

AL FRANKEN, MY PARTNER, HAS A MALIGNANT BRAIN TUMOR, WHICH IS TERMINAL.

MALIGNANT BRAIN TUMOR, WHICH IS TERMINAL. BUT IT'S ALWAYS BEEN AL'S GOAL

TERMINAL. BUT IT'S ALWAYS BEEN AL'S GOAL IN LIFE TO MAKE PEOPLE LAUGH,

BUT IT'S ALWAYS BEEN AL'S GOAL IN LIFE TO MAKE PEOPLE LAUGH, AND HE WANTED TO DO ONE LAST

IN LIFE TO MAKE PEOPLE LAUGH, AND HE WANTED TO DO ONE LAST "FRANKEN AND DAVIS SHOW."

AND HE WANTED TO DO ONE LAST "FRANKEN AND DAVIS SHOW." BUT, YOU SEE, HE'S BEGINNING TO

"FRANKEN AND DAVIS SHOW." BUT, YOU SEE, HE'S BEGINNING TO DETERIORATE.

BUT, YOU SEE, HE'S BEGINNING TO DETERIORATE. HE CAN ONLY REMEMBER THE MOST

DETERIORATE. HE CAN ONLY REMEMBER THE MOST RUDIMENTARY JOKES.

HE CAN ONLY REMEMBER THE MOST RUDIMENTARY JOKES. SO TONIGHT IS REALLY THE OPTIMUM

RUDIMENTARY JOKES. SO TONIGHT IS REALLY THE OPTIMUM TIME TO BRING HIM OUT.

SO TONIGHT IS REALLY THE OPTIMUM TIME TO BRING HIM OUT. NOW HE'S BACKSTAGE NOW.

TIME TO BRING HIM OUT. NOW HE'S BACKSTAGE NOW. I'M GONNA BRING HIM OUT, BUT I

NOW HE'S BACKSTAGE NOW. I'M GONNA BRING HIM OUT, BUT I WANT YOU TO REALLY MAKE HIM FEEL

I'M GONNA BRING HIM OUT, BUT I WANT YOU TO REALLY MAKE HIM FEEL WELCOME, 'CAUSE IT WOULD MEAN A

WANT YOU TO REALLY MAKE HIM FEEL WELCOME, 'CAUSE IT WOULD MEAN A LOT TO ME AND A LOT OF PEOPLE

WELCOME, 'CAUSE IT WOULD MEAN A LOT TO ME AND A LOT OF PEOPLE HERE ON THE SHOW.

LOT TO ME AND A LOT OF PEOPLE HERE ON THE SHOW. SO I'M GONNA BRING HIM OUT NOW,

HERE ON THE SHOW. SO I'M GONNA BRING HIM OUT NOW, AND REALLY LET HIM KNOW HOW YOU

SO I'M GONNA BRING HIM OUT NOW, AND REALLY LET HIM KNOW HOW YOU FEEL.

AND REALLY LET HIM KNOW HOW YOU FEEL. OKAY, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, NOW

FEEL. OKAY, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, NOW FOR YOUR ENTERTAINMENT, I'D LIKE

OKAY, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, NOW FOR YOUR ENTERTAINMENT, I'D LIKE TO BRING OUT ONE OF THE FUNNIEST

FOR YOUR ENTERTAINMENT, I'D LIKE TO BRING OUT ONE OF THE FUNNIEST GUYS IN THE WORLD.

TO BRING OUT ONE OF THE FUNNIEST GUYS IN THE WORLD. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THE COMEDY

GUYS IN THE WORLD. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THE COMEDY STYLINGS OF MR. AL FRANKEN!

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THE COMEDY STYLINGS OF MR. AL FRANKEN! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

STYLINGS OF MR. AL FRANKEN! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] LET'S HEAR IT FOR HIM.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] LET'S HEAR IT FOR HIM. COME ON OUT HERE.

SORRY, SORRY. ARE YOU ALL RIGHT? HERE.

ARE YOU ALL RIGHT? HERE. I'M SORRY.

HERE. I'M SORRY. ALL RIGHT.

I'M SORRY. ALL RIGHT. SORRY.

ALL RIGHT. SORRY. I'VE SET THE MICROPHONE.

SORRY. I'VE SET THE MICROPHONE. IF I, UH, IF I BEGIN TO PASS

I'VE SET THE MICROPHONE. IF I, UH, IF I BEGIN TO PASS OUT, JUST PUT A LITTLE WATER ON

IF I, UH, IF I BEGIN TO PASS OUT, JUST PUT A LITTLE WATER ON ME.

OUT, JUST PUT A LITTLE WATER ON ME. YEAH, YOU TOLD ME.

ME. YEAH, YOU TOLD ME. YOU TOLD ME SEVERAL TIMES.

YEAH, YOU TOLD ME. YOU TOLD ME SEVERAL TIMES. NOW GO ON OUT THERE AND HAVE

YOU TOLD ME SEVERAL TIMES. NOW GO ON OUT THERE AND HAVE FUN.

NOW GO ON OUT THERE AND HAVE FUN. KNOCK THEM DEAD.

FUN. KNOCK THEM DEAD. GO AHEAD.

KNOCK THEM DEAD. GO AHEAD. GO AHEAD.

GO AHEAD. GO AHEAD. GOOD EVENING, LADIES AND

GO AHEAD. GOOD EVENING, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

GOOD EVENING, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN. FIRST OF ALL, I'D LIKE TO SAY HI

GENTLEMEN. FIRST OF ALL, I'D LIKE TO SAY HI TO MY PARENTS, WHO ARE WATCHING

FIRST OF ALL, I'D LIKE TO SAY HI TO MY PARENTS, WHO ARE WATCHING TONIGHT AT HOME.

TO MY PARENTS, WHO ARE WATCHING TONIGHT AT HOME. UM...

TONIGHT AT HOME. UM... CHEER UP, MOM AND DAD.

UM... CHEER UP, MOM AND DAD. [Voice breaking] EVERYTHING'S

CHEER UP, MOM AND DAD. [Voice breaking] EVERYTHING'S GONNA BE OKAY!

[Voice breaking] EVERYTHING'S GONNA BE OKAY! HAVE YOU HEARD THE ONE ABOUT THE

GONNA BE OKAY! HAVE YOU HEARD THE ONE ABOUT THE RABBI WHO DIDN'T CHARGE FOR

HAVE YOU HEARD THE ONE ABOUT THE RABBI WHO DIDN'T CHARGE FOR GIVING CIRCUMCISIONS?

RABBI WHO DIDN'T CHARGE FOR GIVING CIRCUMCISIONS? HE ONLY TOOK TIPS.

GIVING CIRCUMCISIONS? HE ONLY TOOK TIPS. [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

HE ONLY TOOK TIPS. [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE] YOU'RE DOING GREAT!

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE] YOU'RE DOING GREAT! KANGAROO WALKS INTO A BAR,

YOU'RE DOING GREAT! KANGAROO WALKS INTO A BAR, ORDERS A MARTINI WITH A

KANGAROO WALKS INTO A BAR, ORDERS A MARTINI WITH A HAZELNUT.

ORDERS A MARTINI WITH A HAZELNUT. BARTENDER DOESN'T BLINK AN EYE.

HAZELNUT. BARTENDER DOESN'T BLINK AN EYE. ELEPHANT WALKS IN.

BARTENDER DOESN'T BLINK AN EYE. ELEPHANT WALKS IN. ORDERS A MARTINI WITH A

ELEPHANT WALKS IN. ORDERS A MARTINI WITH A HAZELNUT.

ORDERS A MARTINI WITH A HAZELNUT. BARTENDER DOESN'T BLINK AN EYE.

HAZELNUT. BARTENDER DOESN'T BLINK AN EYE. ZEBRA WALKS IN.

BARTENDER DOESN'T BLINK AN EYE. ZEBRA WALKS IN. YEAH.

ZEBRA WALKS IN. YEAH. ORDERS A MARTINI, NO

YEAH. ORDERS A MARTINI, NO HAZELNUT.

ORDERS A MARTINI, NO HAZELNUT. SO THE BARTENDER SAID...

YOU ALL RIGHT? IS THAT ENOUGH? ALL RIGHT?

HE ONLY TOOK TIPS. [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE] WHOO-HOO!

I WENT OVER TO MY FRIEND'S HOUSE. HE HAD A 500-POUND GORILLA.

HOUSE. HE HAD A 500-POUND GORILLA. AND I ASKED HIM.

HE HAD A 500-POUND GORILLA. AND I ASKED HIM. I SAID, "WHERE DOES A 500-POUND

AND I ASKED HIM. I SAID, "WHERE DOES A 500-POUND GORILLA SLEEP?"

I SAID, "WHERE DOES A 500-POUND GORILLA SLEEP?" AND HE SAID...

IS THAT ENOUGH? A LITTLE MORE. HE ONLY TOOK TIPS.

A LITTLE MORE. HE ONLY TOOK TIPS. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, LET'S

HE ONLY TOOK TIPS. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, LET'S HEAR IT FOR THE COMEDY STYLINGS

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, LET'S HEAR IT FOR THE COMEDY STYLINGS OF AL FRANKEN!

HEAR IT FOR THE COMEDY STYLINGS OF AL FRANKEN! LET'S HEAR IT FOR HIM!

OF AL FRANKEN! LET'S HEAR IT FOR HIM! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

LET'S HEAR IT FOR HIM! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] YOU WERE GREAT.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] YOU WERE GREAT. THEY WERE ROLLING IN THE AISLES.

YOU WERE GREAT. THEY WERE ROLLING IN THE AISLES. I DID A GOOD JOB?

THEY WERE ROLLING IN THE AISLES. I DID A GOOD JOB? WAIT TILL YOU SEE THE TAPE.

Both: GOOD NIGHT, EVERYBODY!

MASTER GONNA GIVE IT TO ME, BUT FIRST I'M GONNA GIVE IT TO YOU.

BUT FIRST I'M GONNA GIVE IT TO YOU. TAKE ME, MANDINGO!

YOU. TAKE ME, MANDINGO! Announcer: BEHIND THE

TAKE ME, MANDINGO! Announcer: BEHIND THE HOOPSKIRTS AND HOSPITALITY, THE

Announcer: BEHIND THE HOOPSKIRTS AND HOSPITALITY, THE MINT JULEPS AND MAGNOLIA

HOOPSKIRTS AND HOSPITALITY, THE MINT JULEPS AND MAGNOLIA BLOSSOMS OF THE OLD SOUTH WAS A

MINT JULEPS AND MAGNOLIA BLOSSOMS OF THE OLD SOUTH WAS A WORLD FEW PEOPLE KNEW EXISTED, A

BLOSSOMS OF THE OLD SOUTH WAS A WORLD FEW PEOPLE KNEW EXISTED, A WORLD OF VIOLENCE, CRUELTY,

WORLD FEW PEOPLE KNEW EXISTED, A WORLD OF VIOLENCE, CRUELTY, GREED, AND LUST...

WORLD OF VIOLENCE, CRUELTY, GREED, AND LUST... "MANDINGO II."

GREED, AND LUST... "MANDINGO II." PLEASURE ME, YOU EBONY WENCH.

"MANDINGO II." PLEASURE ME, YOU EBONY WENCH. Announcer: "MANDINGO II"...

PLEASURE ME, YOU EBONY WENCH. Announcer: "MANDINGO II"... IT BRINGS TO THE SCREEN THE

Announcer: "MANDINGO II"... IT BRINGS TO THE SCREEN THE SOUNDS, THE SMELL, THE FLAMING

IT BRINGS TO THE SCREEN THE SOUNDS, THE SMELL, THE FLAMING PASSIONS OF THE SLAVE-BREEDING

SOUNDS, THE SMELL, THE FLAMING PASSIONS OF THE SLAVE-BREEDING PLANTATIONS, WHERE MEN AND WOMEN

PASSIONS OF THE SLAVE-BREEDING PLANTATIONS, WHERE MEN AND WOMEN MATED AND BRED LIKE CATTLE.

PLANTATIONS, WHERE MEN AND WOMEN MATED AND BRED LIKE CATTLE. "MANDINGO II."

MATED AND BRED LIKE CATTLE. "MANDINGO II." PLEASURE ME, YOU LILY-WHITE

"MANDINGO II." PLEASURE ME, YOU LILY-WHITE WENCH.

PLEASURE ME, YOU LILY-WHITE WENCH. MY HEAD IS ACHING ME AWFUL

WENCH. MY HEAD IS ACHING ME AWFUL BAD.

MY HEAD IS ACHING ME AWFUL BAD. I THINK I'LL GO LIE DOWN...

BAD. I THINK I'LL GO LIE DOWN... ALONE.

I THINK I'LL GO LIE DOWN... ALONE. I'VE GOT TO GO TOIL IN THE

ALONE. I'VE GOT TO GO TOIL IN THE COTTON FIELDS NOW.

I'VE GOT TO GO TOIL IN THE COTTON FIELDS NOW. TAKE ME, MANDINGO.

COTTON FIELDS NOW. TAKE ME, MANDINGO. Announcer: "MANDINGO II"...

TAKE ME, MANDINGO. Announcer: "MANDINGO II"... YOU MAY HATE IT.

Announcer: "MANDINGO II"... YOU MAY HATE IT. YOU MAY BE DISGUSTED BY IT.

YOU MAY HATE IT. YOU MAY BE DISGUSTED BY IT. YOU MAY THROW UP AT IT.

YOU MAY BE DISGUSTED BY IT. YOU MAY THROW UP AT IT. BUT YOU'LL NEVER FORGET IT.

YOU MAY THROW UP AT IT. BUT YOU'LL NEVER FORGET IT. "MANDINGO II."

BUT YOU'LL NEVER FORGET IT. "MANDINGO II." PLEASURE ME, YOU EBONY WENCH.

"MANDINGO II." PLEASURE ME, YOU EBONY WENCH. Announcer: "MANDINGO II"...

PLEASURE ME, YOU EBONY WENCH. Announcer: "MANDINGO II"... THE SENSUAL, THE SHOCKING, THE

Announcer: "MANDINGO II"... THE SENSUAL, THE SHOCKING, THE POWERFUL, THE SHAMEFUL, THE

THE SENSUAL, THE SHOCKING, THE POWERFUL, THE SHAMEFUL, THE HILARIOUS.

POWERFUL, THE SHAMEFUL, THE HILARIOUS. "MANDINGO II."

HILARIOUS. "MANDINGO II." TAKE ME, CLOVER.

"MANDINGO II." TAKE ME, CLOVER. TAKE ME.

TAKE ME, CLOVER. TAKE ME. Announcer: "MANDINGO II."

GOOD EVENING. WELCOME TO PUBLIC ACCESS CABLE CHANNEL "D."

WELCOME TO PUBLIC ACCESS CABLE CHANNEL "D." THIS IS "E. BUZZ MILLER'S ANIMAL

CHANNEL "D." THIS IS "E. BUZZ MILLER'S ANIMAL KINGDOM."

THIS IS "E. BUZZ MILLER'S ANIMAL KINGDOM." I'M YOUR HOST, E. BUZZ MILLER.

KINGDOM." I'M YOUR HOST, E. BUZZ MILLER. AND OF COURSE, OUR LOVELY GUEST

I'M YOUR HOST, E. BUZZ MILLER. AND OF COURSE, OUR LOVELY GUEST TO THE LEFT HERE IS

AND OF COURSE, OUR LOVELY GUEST TO THE LEFT HERE IS MISS CHRISTY CHRISTINA, WHO WILL

TO THE LEFT HERE IS MISS CHRISTY CHRISTINA, WHO WILL BE DANCING AT THE PARADISE

MISS CHRISTY CHRISTINA, WHO WILL BE DANCING AT THE PARADISE LOUNGE ALL THIS WEEK.

BE DANCING AT THE PARADISE LOUNGE ALL THIS WEEK. AND, UH, CHRISTY'S OUR EXPERT

LOUNGE ALL THIS WEEK. AND, UH, CHRISTY'S OUR EXPERT ON ANIMAL BEHAVIOR.

AND, UH, CHRISTY'S OUR EXPERT ON ANIMAL BEHAVIOR. ISN'T THAT RIGHT, CHRISTY?

ON ANIMAL BEHAVIOR. ISN'T THAT RIGHT, CHRISTY? I GUESS SO!

ISN'T THAT RIGHT, CHRISTY? I GUESS SO! [GIGGLES]

I GUESS SO! [GIGGLES] OKAY, ENOUGH TALK, VIEWERS.

[GIGGLES] OKAY, ENOUGH TALK, VIEWERS. LET'S GET RIGHT TO THIS WEEK'S

OKAY, ENOUGH TALK, VIEWERS. LET'S GET RIGHT TO THIS WEEK'S EXCITING ANIMAL KINGDOM.

LET'S GET RIGHT TO THIS WEEK'S EXCITING ANIMAL KINGDOM. OUR FIRST FEATURE TONIGHT IS A

EXCITING ANIMAL KINGDOM. OUR FIRST FEATURE TONIGHT IS A FROG COUPLE YOU SEE HERE.

OUR FIRST FEATURE TONIGHT IS A FROG COUPLE YOU SEE HERE. THEY'RE MEMBERS OF THE REPTILE

FROG COUPLE YOU SEE HERE. THEY'RE MEMBERS OF THE REPTILE GROUP OF THE ANIMAL KINGDOM.

THEY'RE MEMBERS OF THE REPTILE GROUP OF THE ANIMAL KINGDOM. THEY MAY BE COLD-BLOODED, BUT IT

GROUP OF THE ANIMAL KINGDOM. THEY MAY BE COLD-BLOODED, BUT IT DON'T STOP THEM FROM HAVING A

THEY MAY BE COLD-BLOODED, BUT IT DON'T STOP THEM FROM HAVING A LOT OF FUN.

DON'T STOP THEM FROM HAVING A LOT OF FUN. WOULDN'T YOU SAY SO, CHRISTY?

LOT OF FUN. WOULDN'T YOU SAY SO, CHRISTY? I DON'T KNOW.

WOULDN'T YOU SAY SO, CHRISTY? I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T THINK I'D LIKE TO BE A

I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T THINK I'D LIKE TO BE A FROG!

I DON'T THINK I'D LIKE TO BE A FROG! [GIGGLES]

FROG! [GIGGLES] WELL, CHRISTY, LET'S TAKE A

[GIGGLES] WELL, CHRISTY, LET'S TAKE A COUPLE OF LOOKS AT OUR LITTLE

WELL, CHRISTY, LET'S TAKE A COUPLE OF LOOKS AT OUR LITTLE FRIENDS IN THE INSECT WORLD.

COUPLE OF LOOKS AT OUR LITTLE FRIENDS IN THE INSECT WORLD. MAYBE YOU'LL SEE SOMETHING YOU

FRIENDS IN THE INSECT WORLD. MAYBE YOU'LL SEE SOMETHING YOU LIKE.

MAYBE YOU'LL SEE SOMETHING YOU LIKE. HERE'S A LADYBUG.

LIKE. HERE'S A LADYBUG. THIS IS THE BEGINNING OF THEIR

HERE'S A LADYBUG. THIS IS THE BEGINNING OF THEIR REPRODUCTIVE CYCLE.

THIS IS THE BEGINNING OF THEIR REPRODUCTIVE CYCLE. LOOK.

REPRODUCTIVE CYCLE. LOOK. IT LOOKS LIKE HE SNUCK UP ON

LOOK. IT LOOKS LIKE HE SNUCK UP ON HER!

IT LOOKS LIKE HE SNUCK UP ON HER! OH, I THINK SHE KNEW WHAT WAS

HER! OH, I THINK SHE KNEW WHAT WAS GOING ON.

OH, I THINK SHE KNEW WHAT WAS GOING ON. A COUPLE OF MONARCH

GOING ON. A COUPLE OF MONARCH BUTTERFLIES WITH A NEW APPROACH.

A COUPLE OF MONARCH BUTTERFLIES WITH A NEW APPROACH. EVER THOUGHT OF HANGING UPSIDE

BUTTERFLIES WITH A NEW APPROACH. EVER THOUGHT OF HANGING UPSIDE DOWN FROM A MILKWEED PLANT?

EVER THOUGHT OF HANGING UPSIDE DOWN FROM A MILKWEED PLANT? OH, I'D BE AFRAID OF FALLING

DOWN FROM A MILKWEED PLANT? OH, I'D BE AFRAID OF FALLING OFF!

OH, I'D BE AFRAID OF FALLING OFF! [GIGGLES]

OFF! [GIGGLES] YOU WOULDN'T HAVE TO WORRY.

[GIGGLES] YOU WOULDN'T HAVE TO WORRY. THERE'D BE PLENTY TO HANG ONTO.

YOU WOULDN'T HAVE TO WORRY. THERE'D BE PLENTY TO HANG ONTO. [GIGGLES]

THERE'D BE PLENTY TO HANG ONTO. [GIGGLES] NOW, HERE'S AN OFTEN-IGNORED

[GIGGLES] NOW, HERE'S AN OFTEN-IGNORED MEMBER OF THE ANIMAL KINGDOM.

NOW, HERE'S AN OFTEN-IGNORED MEMBER OF THE ANIMAL KINGDOM. BIOLOGISTS CALL IT THE

MEMBER OF THE ANIMAL KINGDOM. BIOLOGISTS CALL IT THE ANNELID... AN EARTHWORM, THE

BIOLOGISTS CALL IT THE ANNELID... AN EARTHWORM, THE COMMON EARTHWORM.

ANNELID... AN EARTHWORM, THE COMMON EARTHWORM. THEY'RE CONSIDERED A PRIMITIVE

COMMON EARTHWORM. THEY'RE CONSIDERED A PRIMITIVE LIFE-FORM.

THEY'RE CONSIDERED A PRIMITIVE LIFE-FORM. THAT ONE HAS HERPES!

LIFE-FORM. THAT ONE HAS HERPES! [GIGGLES]

THAT ONE HAS HERPES! [GIGGLES] YEAH, THAT'S WHAT IT LOOKS

[GIGGLES] YEAH, THAT'S WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE, CHRISTY.

YEAH, THAT'S WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE, CHRISTY. I THINK THEY GOT SOMETHING GOING

LIKE, CHRISTY. I THINK THEY GOT SOMETHING GOING HERE, BECAUSE, YOU KNOW, THEY

I THINK THEY GOT SOMETHING GOING HERE, BECAUSE, YOU KNOW, THEY GOT THESE SPIKES TO HELP THEM

HERE, BECAUSE, YOU KNOW, THEY GOT THESE SPIKES TO HELP THEM GRAB ONTO EACH OTHER, YOU KNOW?

GOT THESE SPIKES TO HELP THEM GRAB ONTO EACH OTHER, YOU KNOW? AND HERE, YOU'RE GONNA SEE THEM

GRAB ONTO EACH OTHER, YOU KNOW? AND HERE, YOU'RE GONNA SEE THEM FORMING A MUCUS SAC TO EXCHANGE

AND HERE, YOU'RE GONNA SEE THEM FORMING A MUCUS SAC TO EXCHANGE SPERM.

FORMING A MUCUS SAC TO EXCHANGE SPERM. NOW THIS IS A BIOLOGICAL FACT.

SPERM. NOW THIS IS A BIOLOGICAL FACT. EACH OF THESE WORMS HAS BOTH

NOW THIS IS A BIOLOGICAL FACT. EACH OF THESE WORMS HAS BOTH MALE AND FEMALE ORGANS.

EACH OF THESE WORMS HAS BOTH MALE AND FEMALE ORGANS. HONEST TO GOD.

MALE AND FEMALE ORGANS. HONEST TO GOD. THEY'RE AC/DC!

HONEST TO GOD. THEY'RE AC/DC! KIND OF LIKE ELTON JOHN.

THEY'RE AC/DC! KIND OF LIKE ELTON JOHN. RIGHT, CHRISTY.

KIND OF LIKE ELTON JOHN. RIGHT, CHRISTY. EXCEPT, THESE WORMS DO IT WITH

RIGHT, CHRISTY. EXCEPT, THESE WORMS DO IT WITH SPIKES.

EXCEPT, THESE WORMS DO IT WITH SPIKES. THEY'RE THE LOWEST FORM OF LIFE,

SPIKES. THEY'RE THE LOWEST FORM OF LIFE, BUT THEY REALLY GET OFF!

THEY'RE THE LOWEST FORM OF LIFE, BUT THEY REALLY GET OFF! THEY'RE S/M SWITCH HITTERS!

BUT THEY REALLY GET OFF! THEY'RE S/M SWITCH HITTERS! HOW DO YOU LIKE THAT, CHRISTY?

THEY'RE S/M SWITCH HITTERS! HOW DO YOU LIKE THAT, CHRISTY? OH, I THINK IT'S DISGUSTING.

HOW DO YOU LIKE THAT, CHRISTY? OH, I THINK IT'S DISGUSTING. HOW ABOUT THAT ONE... 33

OH, I THINK IT'S DISGUSTING. HOW ABOUT THAT ONE... 33 INCHES.

HOW ABOUT THAT ONE... 33 INCHES. YOU EVER SEEN A WORM 33 INCHES

INCHES. YOU EVER SEEN A WORM 33 INCHES LONG?

YOU EVER SEEN A WORM 33 INCHES LONG? I DON'T KNOW.

LONG? I DON'T KNOW. I'LL BET YOU DON'T!

I DON'T KNOW. I'LL BET YOU DON'T! OKAY, VIEWERS, OUR FINAL COUPLE

I'LL BET YOU DON'T! OKAY, VIEWERS, OUR FINAL COUPLE ON "ANIMAL KINGDOM," I THINK

OKAY, VIEWERS, OUR FINAL COUPLE ON "ANIMAL KINGDOM," I THINK YOU'RE GONNA LIKE THIS.

ON "ANIMAL KINGDOM," I THINK YOU'RE GONNA LIKE THIS. SEE SOME SALAMANDERS IN THEIR

YOU'RE GONNA LIKE THIS. SEE SOME SALAMANDERS IN THEIR NATURAL ENVIRONMENT, DOING WHAT

SEE SOME SALAMANDERS IN THEIR NATURAL ENVIRONMENT, DOING WHAT MAKES THE ANIMAL KINGDOM SO

NATURAL ENVIRONMENT, DOING WHAT MAKES THE ANIMAL KINGDOM SO EXCITING.

MAKES THE ANIMAL KINGDOM SO EXCITING. AND ON THAT NOTE, I'D LIKE TO

EXCITING. AND ON THAT NOTE, I'D LIKE TO SAY GOODNIGHT, ON BEHALF OF

AND ON THAT NOTE, I'D LIKE TO SAY GOODNIGHT, ON BEHALF OF CHRISTY AND ME, E. BUZZ MILLER,

SAY GOODNIGHT, ON BEHALF OF CHRISTY AND ME, E. BUZZ MILLER, HOPING YOU'LL TAKE A CUE FROM

CHRISTY AND ME, E. BUZZ MILLER, HOPING YOU'LL TAKE A CUE FROM THE ANIMAL KINGDOM AND HAVE A

HOPING YOU'LL TAKE A CUE FROM THE ANIMAL KINGDOM AND HAVE A GOOD TIME YOURSELF TONIGHT.

THE ANIMAL KINGDOM AND HAVE A GOOD TIME YOURSELF TONIGHT. CHRISTY, I WANT TO BUY YOU A

GOOD TIME YOURSELF TONIGHT. CHRISTY, I WANT TO BUY YOU A DRINK.

CHRISTY, I WANT TO BUY YOU A DRINK. OKAY, BUZZ!

DRINK. OKAY, BUZZ! [GIGGLES]

YOU WANT TO GET SOMEWHERE FAST, YOU GOT TO GO WITH A WINNER.

FAST, YOU GOT TO GO WITH A WINNER. GO, O.J.! GO!

LOOK. I WANT TO GET SOMEWHERE FAST. WHERE'S MY KEYS?

I WANT TO GET SOMEWHERE FAST. WHERE'S MY KEYS? WHAT'S YOUR NAME, SIR?

WHERE'S MY KEYS? WHAT'S YOUR NAME, SIR? SIMPSON... O.J. SIMPSON.

WHAT'S YOUR NAME, SIR? SIMPSON... O.J. SIMPSON. LOOK.

SIMPSON... O.J. SIMPSON. LOOK. I CALLED AHEAD AND HAD MY

LOOK. I CALLED AHEAD AND HAD MY RESERVATION CONFIRMED.

I CALLED AHEAD AND HAD MY RESERVATION CONFIRMED. LET ME SEE.

RESERVATION CONFIRMED. LET ME SEE. SIMPSON.

LET ME SEE. SIMPSON. OOH, I'M SORRY, SIR.

SIMPSON. OOH, I'M SORRY, SIR. YOUR CAR WAS GIVEN TO

OOH, I'M SORRY, SIR. YOUR CAR WAS GIVEN TO WALTER PAYTON.

YOUR CAR WAS GIVEN TO WALTER PAYTON. BUT I HAD IT RESERVED!

WALTER PAYTON. BUT I HAD IT RESERVED! YES, BUT HE HAD A BETTER

BUT I HAD IT RESERVED! YES, BUT HE HAD A BETTER SEASON.

YES, BUT HE HAD A BETTER SEASON. WE ALSO HAVE TO GO WITH A

SEASON. WE ALSO HAVE TO GO WITH A WINNER.

Announcer: ONCE AGAIN, ASHFORD AND SIMPSON. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

ASHFORD AND SIMPSON. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] [UP-TEMPO INTRODUCTION PLAYS]

♪ DON'T COST YOU NOTHIN' ♪ ♪ WHOO ♪ ♪ DON'T COST YOU NOTHIN' ♪

♪ WHOO ♪ ♪ DON'T COST YOU NOTHIN' ♪ ♪ THINK, THINK ABOUT THE WAY

♪ DON'T COST YOU NOTHIN' ♪ ♪ THINK, THINK ABOUT THE WAY OF REJECTION ♪

♪ THINK, THINK ABOUT THE WAY OF REJECTION ♪ ♪ YOU'RE NOT THE ONLY ONE

OF REJECTION ♪ ♪ YOU'RE NOT THE ONLY ONE REACHING FOR PERFECTION ♪

♪ YOU'RE NOT THE ONLY ONE REACHING FOR PERFECTION ♪ ♪ THINK, THINK ABOUT

REACHING FOR PERFECTION ♪ ♪ THINK, THINK ABOUT THE REASON YOU EXIST ♪

♪ THINK, THINK ABOUT THE REASON YOU EXIST ♪ ♪ I THINK I GOT SOMETHING

THE REASON YOU EXIST ♪ ♪ I THINK I GOT SOMETHING YOU MIGHT NOT WANT TO MISS ♪

♪ I THINK I GOT SOMETHING YOU MIGHT NOT WANT TO MISS ♪ ♪ DON'T COST YOU NOTHIN' ♪

YOU MIGHT NOT WANT TO MISS ♪ ♪ DON'T COST YOU NOTHIN' ♪ ♪ OW! ♪

♪ DON'T COST YOU NOTHIN' ♪ ♪ OW! ♪ ♪ DON'T COST YOU NOTHIN' ♪

♪ OW! ♪ ♪ DON'T COST YOU NOTHIN' ♪ ♪ NO-OH ♪

♪ DON'T COST YOU NOTHIN' ♪ ♪ NO-OH ♪ ♪ YEAH, YEAH ♪

♪ NO-OH ♪ ♪ YEAH, YEAH ♪ ♪ THINK, THINK ABOUT

♪ YEAH, YEAH ♪ ♪ THINK, THINK ABOUT YOUR POINT OF VIEW ♪

♪ THINK, THINK ABOUT YOUR POINT OF VIEW ♪ ♪ YOU DON'T HAVE TO GET

YOUR POINT OF VIEW ♪ ♪ YOU DON'T HAVE TO GET INVOLVED ♪

♪ YOU DON'T HAVE TO GET INVOLVED ♪ ♪ NO ONE'S FORCING YOU ♪

INVOLVED ♪ ♪ NO ONE'S FORCING YOU ♪ ♪ STOP, STOP

♪ NO ONE'S FORCING YOU ♪ ♪ STOP, STOP AND LISTEN TO THE VOICE ♪

♪ STOP, STOP AND LISTEN TO THE VOICE ♪ ♪ GOOD GOD ALIVE, HA ♪

AND LISTEN TO THE VOICE ♪ ♪ GOOD GOD ALIVE, HA ♪ ♪ YOU'VE ALWAYS GOT A CHOICE ♪

♪ GOOD GOD ALIVE, HA ♪ ♪ YOU'VE ALWAYS GOT A CHOICE ♪ ♪ DON'T COST YOU NOTHIN' ♪

♪ YOU'VE ALWAYS GOT A CHOICE ♪ ♪ DON'T COST YOU NOTHIN' ♪ ♪ TAKE A CHANCE AS YOU GO ♪

♪ DON'T COST YOU NOTHIN' ♪ ♪ TAKE A CHANCE AS YOU GO ♪ ♪ DON'T COST YOU NOTHIN' ♪

♪ TAKE A CHANCE AS YOU GO ♪ ♪ DON'T COST YOU NOTHIN' ♪ ♪ NO ♪

♪ DON'T COST YOU NOTHIN' ♪ ♪ NO ♪ ♪ IF YOU LIKE IT,

♪ NO ♪ ♪ IF YOU LIKE IT, COME BACK FOR MORE ♪

♪ IF YOU LIKE IT, COME BACK FOR MORE ♪ ♪ DON'T COST YOU NOTHIN' ♪

COME BACK FOR MORE ♪ ♪ DON'T COST YOU NOTHIN' ♪ ♪ TAKE A CHANCE AS YOU GO ♪

♪ DON'T COST YOU NOTHIN' ♪ ♪ TAKE A CHANCE AS YOU GO ♪ ♪ DON'T COST YOU NOTHIN' ♪

♪ TAKE A CHANCE AS YOU GO ♪ ♪ DON'T COST YOU NOTHIN' ♪ ♪ IF YOU LIKE IT,

♪ DON'T COST YOU NOTHIN' ♪ ♪ IF YOU LIKE IT, COME BACK FOR MORE ♪

♪ IF YOU LIKE IT, COME BACK FOR MORE ♪ ♪ I AIN'T SELLING MYSELF TO YOU,

COME BACK FOR MORE ♪ ♪ I AIN'T SELLING MYSELF TO YOU, BABY ♪

♪ I AIN'T SELLING MYSELF TO YOU, BABY ♪ ♪ NO ♪

BABY ♪ ♪ NO ♪ ♪ THE WAY THAT OTHERS

♪ NO ♪ ♪ THE WAY THAT OTHERS OFTEN DO ♪

♪ THE WAY THAT OTHERS OFTEN DO ♪ ♪ BEFORE YOU LABEL ME CRAZY,

OFTEN DO ♪ ♪ BEFORE YOU LABEL ME CRAZY, PLEASE EXAMINE

♪ BEFORE YOU LABEL ME CRAZY, PLEASE EXAMINE WHAT I OFFER YOU ♪

PLEASE EXAMINE WHAT I OFFER YOU ♪ ♪ IT DON'T, IT DON'T COST YOU ♪

WHAT I OFFER YOU ♪ ♪ IT DON'T, IT DON'T COST YOU ♪ ♪ IT DON'T, IT DON'T COST YOU

♪ IT DON'T, IT DON'T COST YOU ♪ ♪ IT DON'T, IT DON'T COST YOU NOTHIN' ♪

♪ IT DON'T, IT DON'T COST YOU NOTHIN' ♪ ♪ OH ♪

NOTHIN' ♪ ♪ OH ♪ ♪ OH ♪

♪ WHOO-OOH ♪ ♪ DON'T COST YOU NOTHIN' ♪ ♪ TAKE A CHANCE AS YOU GO ♪

♪ DON'T COST YOU NOTHIN' ♪ ♪ TAKE A CHANCE AS YOU GO ♪ ♪ DON'T COST YOU NOTHIN' ♪

♪ TAKE A CHANCE AS YOU GO ♪ ♪ DON'T COST YOU NOTHIN' ♪ ♪ NO ♪

♪ DON'T COST YOU NOTHIN' ♪ ♪ NO ♪ ♪ IF YOU LIKE IT,

♪ NO ♪ ♪ IF YOU LIKE IT, COME BACK FOR MORE ♪

♪ IF YOU LIKE IT, COME BACK FOR MORE ♪ ♪ DON'T COST YOU NOTHIN' ♪

COME BACK FOR MORE ♪ ♪ DON'T COST YOU NOTHIN' ♪ ♪ NO, NO ♪

♪ DON'T COST YOU NOTHIN' ♪ ♪ NO, NO ♪ ♪ NO ♪

♪ NO, NO ♪ ♪ NO ♪ ♪ IT'S FREE,

♪ NO ♪ ♪ IT'S FREE, MY LOVE AND ME ♪

♪ IT'S FREE, MY LOVE AND ME ♪ ♪ DON'T COST YOU NOTHIN' ♪

MY LOVE AND ME ♪ ♪ DON'T COST YOU NOTHIN' ♪ ♪ DON'T COST YOU NOTHIN' ♪

♪ DON'T COST YOU NOTHIN' ♪ ♪ DON'T COST YOU NOTHIN' ♪ ♪ OH, NO, NO, NO ♪

♪ DON'T COST YOU NOTHIN' ♪ ♪ OH, NO, NO, NO ♪ ♪ HEY ♪

♪ OH, NO, NO, NO ♪ ♪ HEY ♪ ♪ WHOO-OOH ♪

♪ HEY ♪ ♪ WHOO-OOH ♪ ♪ DON'T COST YOU NOTHIN' ♪

♪ WHOO-OOH ♪ ♪ DON'T COST YOU NOTHIN' ♪ ♪ DON'T COST YOU NOTHIN' ♪

♪ DON'T COST YOU NOTHIN' ♪ ♪ DON'T COST YOU NOTHIN' ♪ ♪ NOTHIN' ♪

♪ DON'T COST YOU NOTHIN' ♪ ♪ NOTHIN' ♪ ♪ NOTHIN' ♪

♪ NOTHIN' ♪ ♪ NOTHIN' ♪ ♪ NOTHIN' ♪

♪ NOTHIN' ♪ ♪ NOTHIN' ♪ ♪ OOH, BABY ♪

♪ NOTHIN' ♪ ♪ OOH, BABY ♪ ♪ DON'T COST YOU NOTHIN' ♪

♪ OOH, BABY ♪ ♪ DON'T COST YOU NOTHIN' ♪ ♪ DON'T COST YOU NOTHIN' ♪

♪ DON'T COST YOU NOTHIN' ♪ ♪ DON'T COST YOU NOTHIN' ♪ ♪ WHOO-HOO ♪

♪ DON'T COST YOU NOTHIN' ♪ ♪ WHOO-HOO ♪ ♪ DON'T COST YOU NOTHIN' ♪

♪ WHOO-HOO ♪ ♪ DON'T COST YOU NOTHIN' ♪ ♪ YE-E-E-AH ♪

♪ DON'T COST YOU NOTHIN' ♪ ♪ YE-E-E-AH ♪ ♪ DON'T COST YOU NOTHIN' ♪

♪ YE-E-E-AH ♪ ♪ DON'T COST YOU NOTHIN' ♪ ♪ TAKE A CHANCE AS YOU GO ♪

♪ DON'T COST YOU NOTHIN' ♪ ♪ TAKE A CHANCE AS YOU GO ♪ ♪ DON'T COST YOU NOTHIN' ♪

♪ TAKE A CHANCE AS YOU GO ♪ ♪ DON'T COST YOU NOTHIN' ♪ ♪ IF YOU LIKE IT,

♪ DON'T COST YOU NOTHIN' ♪ ♪ IF YOU LIKE IT, COME BACK FOR MORE ♪

♪ IF YOU LIKE IT, COME BACK FOR MORE ♪ ♪ DON'T COST YOU NOTHIN' ♪

COME BACK FOR MORE ♪ ♪ DON'T COST YOU NOTHIN' ♪ ♪ TAKE A CHANCE AS YOU GO ♪

♪ DON'T COST YOU NOTHIN' ♪ ♪ TAKE A CHANCE AS YOU GO ♪ ♪ DON'T COST YOU NOTHIN' ♪

♪ TAKE A CHANCE AS YOU GO ♪ ♪ DON'T COST YOU NOTHIN' ♪ ♪ IF YOU LIKE IT,

♪ DON'T COST YOU NOTHIN' ♪ ♪ IF YOU LIKE IT, COME BACK FOR MORE ♪

♪ IF YOU LIKE IT, COME BACK FOR MORE ♪ ♪ DON'T COST YOU NOTHIN' ♪

COME BACK FOR MORE ♪ ♪ DON'T COST YOU NOTHIN' ♪ ♪ DON'T COST YOU NOTHIN' ♪

♪ DON'T COST YOU NOTHIN' ♪ ♪ DON'T COST YOU NOTHIN' ♪ ♪ TAKE A CHANCE AS YOU GO ♪

♪ DON'T COST YOU NOTHIN' ♪ ♪ TAKE A CHANCE AS YOU GO ♪ ♪ DON'T COST YOU NOTHIN' ♪

♪ TAKE A CHANCE AS YOU GO ♪ ♪ DON'T COST YOU NOTHIN' ♪ ♪ IF YOU LIKE IT,

♪ DON'T COST YOU NOTHIN' ♪ ♪ IF YOU LIKE IT, COME BACK FOR MORE ♪

♪ IF YOU LIKE IT, COME BACK FOR MORE ♪ ♪ DON'T COST YOU NOTHIN' ♪

COME BACK FOR MORE ♪ ♪ DON'T COST YOU NOTHIN' ♪ ♪ TAKE A CHANCE AS YOU GO ♪

♪ DON'T COST YOU NOTHIN' ♪ ♪ TAKE A CHANCE AS YOU GO ♪ ♪ DON'T COST YOU NOTHIN' ♪

♪ TAKE A CHANCE AS YOU GO ♪ ♪ DON'T COST YOU NOTHIN' ♪ ♪ IF YOU LIKE IT,

♪ DON'T COST YOU NOTHIN' ♪ ♪ IF YOU LIKE IT, COME BACK FOR MORE ♪

♪ IF YOU LIKE IT, COME BACK FOR MORE ♪ [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

Announcer: AND NOW IT'S TIME FOR THE NETWORK "CELEBRITY BATTLE OF THE SEXES & RACES."

FOR THE NETWORK "CELEBRITY BATTLE OF THE SEXES & RACES." HI, I'M BRENT MUSBURGER, AND

BATTLE OF THE SEXES & RACES." HI, I'M BRENT MUSBURGER, AND WELCOME TO THE "CELEBRITY BATTLE

HI, I'M BRENT MUSBURGER, AND WELCOME TO THE "CELEBRITY BATTLE OF THE SEXES & RACES."

WELCOME TO THE "CELEBRITY BATTLE OF THE SEXES & RACES." WE'RE IN THE THIRD DAY OF AN

OF THE SEXES & RACES." WE'RE IN THE THIRD DAY OF AN EXCITING MARATHON CONTEST HERE

WE'RE IN THE THIRD DAY OF AN EXCITING MARATHON CONTEST HERE WITH O.J. SIMPSON AND

EXCITING MARATHON CONTEST HERE WITH O.J. SIMPSON AND LEON SPINKS REPRESENTING THE

WITH O.J. SIMPSON AND LEON SPINKS REPRESENTING THE BLACK MEN, AND SANDY DUNCAN AND

LEON SPINKS REPRESENTING THE BLACK MEN, AND SANDY DUNCAN AND MARIE OSMOND THE WHITE WOMEN.

SO, AS THE ACTION RESUMES, WE

FIND THE BLACK MEN WITH A

COMMANDING LEAD OVER THE WHITE

WOMEN OF 3,100 TO NOTHING.

AND NOW LET'S GO OVER TO

PHYLLIS GEORGE FOR ON-THE-SPOT

COVERAGE.

THANK YOU, BRENT. I'M HERE AT THE YOUTH CENTER AT THE MALCOLM "X" HIGH SCHOOL IN

I'M HERE AT THE YOUTH CENTER AT THE MALCOLM "X" HIGH SCHOOL IN CHICAGO, ILLINOIS, AND THERE'S

THE MALCOLM "X" HIGH SCHOOL IN CHICAGO, ILLINOIS, AND THERE'S NO SECRET ABOUT WHICH TEAM IS

CHICAGO, ILLINOIS, AND THERE'S NO SECRET ABOUT WHICH TEAM IS THE FAVORITE HERE TONIGHT.

NO SECRET ABOUT WHICH TEAM IS THE FAVORITE HERE TONIGHT. WELL, SANDY AND MARIE, HOW ARE

THE FAVORITE HERE TONIGHT. WELL, SANDY AND MARIE, HOW ARE YOU GIRLS FEELING?

WELL, SANDY AND MARIE, HOW ARE YOU GIRLS FEELING? NOT GOOD.

YOU GIRLS FEELING? NOT GOOD. YEAH, BUT WE'RE SHOWBIZ

NOT GOOD. YEAH, BUT WE'RE SHOWBIZ FOLKS, AND WE'RE GONNA GIVE IT

YEAH, BUT WE'RE SHOWBIZ FOLKS, AND WE'RE GONNA GIVE IT EVERYTHING WE'VE GOT!

FOLKS, AND WE'RE GONNA GIVE IT EVERYTHING WE'VE GOT! RIGHT, SANDY?

EVERYTHING WE'VE GOT! RIGHT, SANDY? I GUESS SO.

RIGHT, SANDY? I GUESS SO. HI, DONNY!

I GUESS SO. HI, DONNY! WELL, GOOD LUCK, WHITE WOMEN.

HI, DONNY! WELL, GOOD LUCK, WHITE WOMEN. AND NOW LET'S SAY HELLO TO A

WELL, GOOD LUCK, WHITE WOMEN. AND NOW LET'S SAY HELLO TO A COUPLE OF GUYS WHO MUST BE

AND NOW LET'S SAY HELLO TO A COUPLE OF GUYS WHO MUST BE FEELING PRETTY GOOD ABOUT NOW,

COUPLE OF GUYS WHO MUST BE FEELING PRETTY GOOD ABOUT NOW, O.J. SIMPSON AND LEON SPINKS.

FEELING PRETTY GOOD ABOUT NOW, O.J. SIMPSON AND LEON SPINKS. HOW ARE YOU DOING, PHYLLIS?

O.J. SIMPSON AND LEON SPINKS. HOW ARE YOU DOING, PHYLLIS? YOU KNOW, YOU'RE A PRETTY

HOW ARE YOU DOING, PHYLLIS? YOU KNOW, YOU'RE A PRETTY BEAUTIFUL WOMAN, HUH?

YOU KNOW, YOU'RE A PRETTY BEAUTIFUL WOMAN, HUH? WHY DON'T YOU JOIN SANDY, MARIE,

BEAUTIFUL WOMAN, HUH? WHY DON'T YOU JOIN SANDY, MARIE, AND I AFTER THE SHOW?

WHY DON'T YOU JOIN SANDY, MARIE, AND I AFTER THE SHOW? ALL THREE OF US?

AND I AFTER THE SHOW? ALL THREE OF US? WON'T YOU BE A LITTLE TIRED

ALL THREE OF US? WON'T YOU BE A LITTLE TIRED AFTER ALL THAT EXERCISE, JUICE?

WON'T YOU BE A LITTLE TIRED AFTER ALL THAT EXERCISE, JUICE? HEY, MY MOUTH DON'T WRITE NO

AFTER ALL THAT EXERCISE, JUICE? HEY, MY MOUTH DON'T WRITE NO CHECKS MY BODY CAN'T CASH.

HEY, MY MOUTH DON'T WRITE NO CHECKS MY BODY CAN'T CASH. WELL, OKAY.

CHECKS MY BODY CAN'T CASH. WELL, OKAY. IF YOU CAN HANDLE IT, FINE.

WELL, OKAY. IF YOU CAN HANDLE IT, FINE. LEON, HOW DO SANDY AND MARIE

IF YOU CAN HANDLE IT, FINE. LEON, HOW DO SANDY AND MARIE STACK UP AGAINST MUHAMMAD ALI?

LEON, HOW DO SANDY AND MARIE STACK UP AGAINST MUHAMMAD ALI? WELL, I'M WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT

STACK UP AGAINST MUHAMMAD ALI? WELL, I'M WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION NOW, AND THAT'D BE A

WELL, I'M WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION NOW, AND THAT'D BE A PSYCHOLOGICAL ADVANTAGE.

CHAMPION NOW, AND THAT'D BE A PSYCHOLOGICAL ADVANTAGE. AND NOW FOR A RECAP OF THE

PSYCHOLOGICAL ADVANTAGE. AND NOW FOR A RECAP OF THE EVENTS SO FAR, LET'S GO BACK TO

AND NOW FOR A RECAP OF THE EVENTS SO FAR, LET'S GO BACK TO BRENT MUSBURGER.

EVENTS SO FAR, LET'S GO BACK TO BRENT MUSBURGER. WELL, PHYLLIS, WHAT WE'VE

BRENT MUSBURGER. WELL, PHYLLIS, WHAT WE'VE SEEN SO FAR HERE IS A ROUT BY

WELL, PHYLLIS, WHAT WE'VE SEEN SO FAR HERE IS A ROUT BY THE BLACK MEN.

SEEN SO FAR HERE IS A ROUT BY THE BLACK MEN. IF I WERE TO PICK SOME OF THE

THE BLACK MEN. IF I WERE TO PICK SOME OF THE KEY MOMENTS IN THIS COMPETITION,

IF I WERE TO PICK SOME OF THE KEY MOMENTS IN THIS COMPETITION, I'D SINGLE OUT BASKETBALL.

KEY MOMENTS IN THIS COMPETITION, I'D SINGLE OUT BASKETBALL. THAT HAD TO HURT THE WHITE WOMEN

I'D SINGLE OUT BASKETBALL. THAT HAD TO HURT THE WHITE WOMEN PSYCHOLOGICALLY.

THAT HAD TO HURT THE WHITE WOMEN PSYCHOLOGICALLY. WRESTLING, OF COURSE... THAT HAD

PSYCHOLOGICALLY. WRESTLING, OF COURSE... THAT HAD TO HURT THEM PHYSICALLY.

WRESTLING, OF COURSE... THAT HAD TO HURT THEM PHYSICALLY. BOXING... NO SURPRISE THERE WITH

TO HURT THEM PHYSICALLY. BOXING... NO SURPRISE THERE WITH LEON SPINKS ON THE TEAM.

BOXING... NO SURPRISE THERE WITH LEON SPINKS ON THE TEAM. AND THEN THERE WERE THE NOVELTY

LEON SPINKS ON THE TEAM. AND THEN THERE WERE THE NOVELTY EVENTS.

AND THEN THERE WERE THE NOVELTY EVENTS. THE LATE-NIGHT SUBWAY-RIDING

EVENTS. THE LATE-NIGHT SUBWAY-RIDING CONTEST WAS NO CONTEST, OF

THE LATE-NIGHT SUBWAY-RIDING CONTEST WAS NO CONTEST, OF COURSE.

CONTEST WAS NO CONTEST, OF COURSE. THE "PICKING UP WHITE GIRLS"

COURSE. THE "PICKING UP WHITE GIRLS" EVENT A FRUSTRATING EVENING FOR

THE "PICKING UP WHITE GIRLS" EVENT A FRUSTRATING EVENING FOR SANDY AND MARIE.

EVENT A FRUSTRATING EVENING FOR SANDY AND MARIE. AND, AS EXPECTED, THE BLACK MEN

SANDY AND MARIE. AND, AS EXPECTED, THE BLACK MEN RAN AWAY WITH THE SPEAR-CHUCKING

AND, AS EXPECTED, THE BLACK MEN RAN AWAY WITH THE SPEAR-CHUCKING COMPETITION.

RAN AWAY WITH THE SPEAR-CHUCKING COMPETITION. AND NOW, RONNIE GWYNN, TELL OUR

COMPETITION. AND NOW, RONNIE GWYNN, TELL OUR TEAMS ABOUT SOME OF THE PRIZES

AND NOW, RONNIE GWYNN, TELL OUR TEAMS ABOUT SOME OF THE PRIZES THEY'LL BE COMPETING FOR.

TEAMS ABOUT SOME OF THE PRIZES THEY'LL BE COMPETING FOR. Announcer: WELL, BRENT,

THEY'LL BE COMPETING FOR. Announcer: WELL, BRENT, COMPETITORS ARE ELIGIBLE TO WIN

Announcer: WELL, BRENT, COMPETITORS ARE ELIGIBLE TO WIN A BRAND-NEW, 1978, PURPLE,

COMPETITORS ARE ELIGIBLE TO WIN A BRAND-NEW, 1978, PURPLE, CUSTOM-MADE CADILLAC EL DORADO

A BRAND-NEW, 1978, PURPLE, CUSTOM-MADE CADILLAC EL DORADO CONVERTIBLE WITH CRUSHED-VELVET

CUSTOM-MADE CADILLAC EL DORADO CONVERTIBLE WITH CRUSHED-VELVET INTERIOR, 30-INCH COLOR TV, AND

CONVERTIBLE WITH CRUSHED-VELVET INTERIOR, 30-INCH COLOR TV, AND COACH LAMPS.

INTERIOR, 30-INCH COLOR TV, AND COACH LAMPS. AND NOW ABOUT STRUTTING YOUR

COACH LAMPS. AND NOW ABOUT STRUTTING YOUR STUFF IN THESE FINE VINES?

AND NOW ABOUT STRUTTING YOUR STUFF IN THESE FINE VINES? THIS LUXURIOUS, FLOOR-LENGTH

STUFF IN THESE FINE VINES? THIS LUXURIOUS, FLOOR-LENGTH SABLE COAT WITH JEWEL-ENCRUSTED

THIS LUXURIOUS, FLOOR-LENGTH SABLE COAT WITH JEWEL-ENCRUSTED LAVENDER SILK LINING AND A PAIR

SABLE COAT WITH JEWEL-ENCRUSTED LAVENDER SILK LINING AND A PAIR OF LIME-GREEN SUEDE, 5-INCH

LAVENDER SILK LINING AND A PAIR OF LIME-GREEN SUEDE, 5-INCH PLATFORM SHOES.

OF LIME-GREEN SUEDE, 5-INCH PLATFORM SHOES. EACH MEMBER OF THE WINNING TEAM

PLATFORM SHOES. EACH MEMBER OF THE WINNING TEAM WILL RECEIVE HIS OR HER OWN

EACH MEMBER OF THE WINNING TEAM WILL RECEIVE HIS OR HER OWN PERSONALIZED, HAND-CRAFTED SWORD

WILL RECEIVE HIS OR HER OWN PERSONALIZED, HAND-CRAFTED SWORD CANE WITH SOLID-SILVER WOLF-HEAD

PERSONALIZED, HAND-CRAFTED SWORD CANE WITH SOLID-SILVER WOLF-HEAD HANDLE.

CANE WITH SOLID-SILVER WOLF-HEAD HANDLE. AND NOW BACK TO PHYLLIS GEORGE

HANDLE. AND NOW BACK TO PHYLLIS GEORGE FOR THE TUG-OF-WAR COMPETITION.

AND NOW BACK TO PHYLLIS GEORGE FOR THE TUG-OF-WAR COMPETITION. [WHISTLE BLOWS]

JUDGES, DO WE HAVE A DECISION? [BELL DINGS]

YES, IT'S OFFICIAL... ANOTHER

VICTORY FOR THE BLACK MEN, WHICH

BRINGS THE SCORE TO 3,700 TO

NADA.

WELL, GIRLS, WERE YOU SURPRISED? NO, WE KNEW WE WOULDN'T WIN. WE TOLD YOU THAT.

NO, WE KNEW WE WOULDN'T WIN. WE TOLD YOU THAT. HI, DONNY.

WE TOLD YOU THAT. HI, DONNY. SANDY AND MARIE, IF YOU'LL

HI, DONNY. SANDY AND MARIE, IF YOU'LL JUST STAY HERE, WE'LL GET YOU

SANDY AND MARIE, IF YOU'LL JUST STAY HERE, WE'LL GET YOU HOSED DOWN.

JUST STAY HERE, WE'LL GET YOU HOSED DOWN. ISN'T IT WONDERFUL TO SEE THESE

HOSED DOWN. ISN'T IT WONDERFUL TO SEE THESE GIRLS HERE, COMPETING WITH MEN

ISN'T IT WONDERFUL TO SEE THESE GIRLS HERE, COMPETING WITH MEN ON AN EQUAL BASIS?

GIRLS HERE, COMPETING WITH MEN ON AN EQUAL BASIS? AND NOW BACK TO YOU, BRENT.

ON AN EQUAL BASIS? AND NOW BACK TO YOU, BRENT. THANK YOU, PHYLLIS.

AND NOW BACK TO YOU, BRENT. THANK YOU, PHYLLIS. THANK YOU, TEAMS.

THANK YOU, PHYLLIS. THANK YOU, TEAMS. THAT ABOUT WRAPS IT UP.

THANK YOU, TEAMS. THAT ABOUT WRAPS IT UP. JOIN US AGAIN TOMORROW, WHEN OUR

THAT ABOUT WRAPS IT UP. JOIN US AGAIN TOMORROW, WHEN OUR COVERAGE OF "CELEBRITY BATTLE OF

JOIN US AGAIN TOMORROW, WHEN OUR COVERAGE OF "CELEBRITY BATTLE OF THE SEXES & RACES" WILL GO UP TO

COVERAGE OF "CELEBRITY BATTLE OF THE SEXES & RACES" WILL GO UP TO HARLEM FOR THE

THE SEXES & RACES" WILL GO UP TO HARLEM FOR THE MOBILE HOME-PULLING CONTEST.

HARLEM FOR THE MOBILE HOME-PULLING CONTEST. SEE YOU THEN, EVERYBODY.

WELL, THAT'S ALL FOR TONIGHT. THANKS FOR JOINING US. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

Announcer: NEXT SATURDAY

NIGHT, WATCH NBC's "WEEKEND"

WITH LLOYD DOBBINS.

WE'LL BE BACK TWO WEEKS FROM

TONIGHT, WHEN OUR HOST WILL BE

ART GARFUNKEL, WITH MUSICAL

GUEST STEPHEN BISHOP AND

ANDY KAUFMAN.

THIS IS O.J. PARDO.

THE "O.J." IS FOR "ONLY JOKING."

GOOD NIGHT.