Original subtitles

Announcer: "THE LITTLE HOUSE ON THE PRAIRIE BURNS TO THE GROUND" WILL NOT BE SEEN TONIGHT

ON THE PRAIRIE BURNS TO THE GROUND" WILL NOT BE SEEN TONIGHT SO THAT NBC MAY PRESENT THE

GROUND" WILL NOT BE SEEN TONIGHT SO THAT NBC MAY PRESENT THE FOLLOWING SPECIAL PROGRAM.

[COPLAND'S "FANFARE FOR THE

[COMMON MAN"]

AND NOW, IN RESPONSE TO

RONALD REAGAN'S ADDRESS ON THE

PANAMA CANAL ISSUE, HERE IS

FORMER PRESIDENT OF THE

UNITED STATES GERALD R. FORD.

HELLO, MY FELLOW

NORTH AMERICANS.

IT FEELS SO GOOD TO SEE YOU AGAIN. I HAVE NOT... SEEN YOU.

AGAIN. I HAVE NOT... SEEN YOU. I HAVE NOT SEEN YOU OR ADDRESSED

I HAVE NOT... SEEN YOU. I HAVE NOT SEEN YOU OR ADDRESSED THE NATION SINCE MY LAST TIME

I HAVE NOT SEEN YOU OR ADDRESSED THE NATION SINCE MY LAST TIME BEING PRESIDENT.

THE NATION SINCE MY LAST TIME BEING PRESIDENT. TONIGHT, I WISH TO... URGE THE

BEING PRESIDENT. TONIGHT, I WISH TO... URGE THE RATIFICATION BY CONGRESS OF

TONIGHT, I WISH TO... URGE THE RATIFICATION BY CONGRESS OF THE... SUEZ CANAL TREATY.

RATIFICATION BY CONGRESS OF THE... SUEZ CANAL TREATY. I FEEL THAT WE SHOULD TURN OVER

THE... SUEZ CANAL TREATY. I FEEL THAT WE SHOULD TURN OVER THE CANAL TO OUR TINY LITTLE

I FEEL THAT WE SHOULD TURN OVER THE CANAL TO OUR TINY LITTLE NEIGHBORS TO THE SOUTH, THE

THE CANAL TO OUR TINY LITTLE NEIGHBORS TO THE SOUTH, THE PANAMITES.

NEIGHBORS TO THE SOUTH, THE PANAMITES. [TELEPHONE RINGS]

PANAMITES. [TELEPHONE RINGS] EXCUSE ME.

[TELEPHONE RINGS] EXCUSE ME. HELLO.

EXCUSE ME. HELLO. [RINGING CONTINUES]

HELLO. [RINGING CONTINUES] HELLO.

[RINGING CONTINUES] HELLO. HONEY, IT'S SOUP NOW.

HELLO. HONEY, IT'S SOUP NOW. THANK YOU, BETTY.

HONEY, IT'S SOUP NOW. THANK YOU, BETTY. I'M ON TELEVISION NOW.

THANK YOU, BETTY. I'M ON TELEVISION NOW. OH, I'M SORRY.

I'M ON TELEVISION NOW. OH, I'M SORRY. OH, THAT'S OKAY.

OH, I'M SORRY. OH, THAT'S OKAY. BRING IT DOWN.

OH, THAT'S OKAY. BRING IT DOWN. YOU KNOW HOW I AM.

BRING IT DOWN. YOU KNOW HOW I AM. WHEN IT'S SOUP, I'M ON THE GO.

YOU KNOW HOW I AM. WHEN IT'S SOUP, I'M ON THE GO. OKAY.

WHEN IT'S SOUP, I'M ON THE GO. OKAY. YOU KNOW... LIBERTY, SIT.

OKAY. YOU KNOW... LIBERTY, SIT. EVERY ADMINISTRATION SINCE

YOU KNOW... LIBERTY, SIT. EVERY ADMINISTRATION SINCE LYNDON JOHNSON HAS BEEN IN FAVOR

EVERY ADMINISTRATION SINCE LYNDON JOHNSON HAS BEEN IN FAVOR OF THIS TREATY.

LYNDON JOHNSON HAS BEEN IN FAVOR OF THIS TREATY. I WOULD SAY THAT WAS JOHNSON,

OF THIS TREATY. I WOULD SAY THAT WAS JOHNSON, NIXON, CARTER, ME... THAT'S

I WOULD SAY THAT WAS JOHNSON, NIXON, CARTER, ME... THAT'S THREE.

NIXON, CARTER, ME... THAT'S THREE. THREE AND A HALF, IF YOU COUNT

THREE. THREE AND A HALF, IF YOU COUNT ME.

THREE AND A HALF, IF YOU COUNT ME. OH, BETTY.

ME. OH, BETTY. NOW, HURRY UP AND EAT YOUR

OH, BETTY. NOW, HURRY UP AND EAT YOUR SOUP, DEAR, BECAUSE IF YOU DON'T

NOW, HURRY UP AND EAT YOUR SOUP, DEAR, BECAUSE IF YOU DON'T EAT IT QUICK, IT TURNS INTO A

SOUP, DEAR, BECAUSE IF YOU DON'T EAT IT QUICK, IT TURNS INTO A CUP OF NASTY CHEMICALS.

EAT IT QUICK, IT TURNS INTO A CUP OF NASTY CHEMICALS. AND SINCE I'M HERE, I'D LIKE TO

CUP OF NASTY CHEMICALS. AND SINCE I'M HERE, I'D LIKE TO SAY HELLO AND REITERATE MY

AND SINCE I'M HERE, I'D LIKE TO SAY HELLO AND REITERATE MY SUPPORT OF THE E.R.A.

SAY HELLO AND REITERATE MY SUPPORT OF THE E.R.A. THANK YOU.

SUPPORT OF THE E.R.A. THANK YOU. THANK YOU, RON.

THANK YOU. THANK YOU, RON. I'M SURE ALL THE EEL RAYS WILL

THANK YOU, RON. I'M SURE ALL THE EEL RAYS WILL BE APPRECIATIVE OF IT.

I'M SURE ALL THE EEL RAYS WILL BE APPRECIATIVE OF IT. NOW, MANY PEOPLE ARE CONFUSED

BE APPRECIATIVE OF IT. NOW, MANY PEOPLE ARE CONFUSED ABOUT THE SUEZ CANAL, AND WELL

NOW, MANY PEOPLE ARE CONFUSED ABOUT THE SUEZ CANAL, AND WELL MIGHT THEY BE.

ABOUT THE SUEZ CANAL, AND WELL MIGHT THEY BE. LET'S LOOK AT A MAP, SHALL WE?

BEFORE THERE WAS A SUEZ CANAL, IF YOU HAPPENED TO HAVE A BOAT OR WERE ON A BOAT AND WANTED TO

IF YOU HAPPENED TO HAVE A BOAT OR WERE ON A BOAT AND WANTED TO GET FROM WASHINGTON, D.C., TO

OR WERE ON A BOAT AND WANTED TO GET FROM WASHINGTON, D.C., TO SAN FRANCISCO, YOU HAD TO KIND

GET FROM WASHINGTON, D.C., TO SAN FRANCISCO, YOU HAD TO KIND OF DO THIS.

VERY LONG WAY DOWN AND AROUND THE CAPE OF GOOD HORN. UP AND THROUGH.

THE CAPE OF GOOD HORN. UP AND THROUGH. THIS WAS NOT EASY.

UP AND THROUGH. THIS WAS NOT EASY. NOW, YOU WOULD HAVE BEEN SO

THIS WAS NOT EASY. NOW, YOU WOULD HAVE BEEN SO SURPRISED AND UNHAPPY YOU HAVE

NOW, YOU WOULD HAVE BEEN SO SURPRISED AND UNHAPPY YOU HAVE NOT SEEN THE CANAL.

SURPRISED AND UNHAPPY YOU HAVE NOT SEEN THE CANAL. WE'VE CHANGED THAT.

NOT SEEN THE CANAL. WE'VE CHANGED THAT. LET'S TAKE A LOOK, SHALL WE?

NOW, SHOULD WE WANT TO GET TO

CALIFORNIA, WE SIMPLY COME DOWN

AROUND HERE THE SAME WAY TO THE

CANAL...

ON THE WEST COAST OF THE

PARDON RIVER.

AGAIN, IF WE COULD HAVE JUST ANOTHER GLIMPSE OF THE NEW MAP...

ANOTHER GLIMPSE OF THE NEW MAP... TURN THIS AROUND HERE.

MAP... TURN THIS AROUND HERE. ALMOST WENT.

TURN THIS AROUND HERE. ALMOST WENT. LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S

ALMOST WENT. LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S "SATURDAY NIGHT"!

LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S "SATURDAY NIGHT"! [BAND PLAYS]

"SATURDAY NIGHT"! [BAND PLAYS] Announcer: IT'S

[BAND PLAYS] Announcer: IT'S "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE."

Announcer: IT'S "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE." STARRING...

WITH A SPECIAL GUEST...

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, CHEVY CHASE! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

WHOO! THANK YOU. THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

THANK YOU. THANK YOU VERY MUCH. I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH. I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS. IT'S BEEN OVER A YEAR SINCE I'VE

I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS. IT'S BEEN OVER A YEAR SINCE I'VE BEEN GONE, AND I REALLY MISS THE

IT'S BEEN OVER A YEAR SINCE I'VE BEEN GONE, AND I REALLY MISS THE SHOW.

BEEN GONE, AND I REALLY MISS THE SHOW. I'LL TELL YOU ONE THING I MISS

SHOW. I'LL TELL YOU ONE THING I MISS MORE THAN ANYTHING...

I'LL TELL YOU ONE THING I MISS MORE THAN ANYTHING... [LAUGHTER]

MORE THAN ANYTHING... [LAUGHTER] QUITE SERIOUSLY, AND THAT IS

[LAUGHTER] QUITE SERIOUSLY, AND THAT IS THE APPLAUSE.

QUITE SERIOUSLY, AND THAT IS THE APPLAUSE. I HAVE MISSED THAT MORE THAN

THE APPLAUSE. I HAVE MISSED THAT MORE THAN ANYTHING.

I HAVE MISSED THAT MORE THAN ANYTHING. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

ANYTHING. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] THANK YOU.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] THANK YOU. THANK YOU, REALLY.

THANK YOU. THANK YOU, REALLY. I JUST WANT TO SAY THAT MY

THANK YOU, REALLY. I JUST WANT TO SAY THAT MY FRIENDS, THE PEOPLE WHO PUT ON

I JUST WANT TO SAY THAT MY FRIENDS, THE PEOPLE WHO PUT ON "SATURDAY NIGHT," EVEN SINCE

FRIENDS, THE PEOPLE WHO PUT ON "SATURDAY NIGHT," EVEN SINCE I'VE BEEN GONE... BEFORE,

"SATURDAY NIGHT," EVEN SINCE I'VE BEEN GONE... BEFORE, AFTER... STILL PUT ON THE BEST

I'VE BEEN GONE... BEFORE, AFTER... STILL PUT ON THE BEST DAMN COMEDY SHOW ON THE AIR.

AFTER... STILL PUT ON THE BEST DAMN COMEDY SHOW ON THE AIR. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

DAMN COMEDY SHOW ON THE AIR. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] AND I THANK YOU... I THANK YOU

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] AND I THANK YOU... I THANK YOU ON THEIR BEHALF.

AND I THANK YOU... I THANK YOU ON THEIR BEHALF. I DO.

ON THEIR BEHALF. I DO. I MUST TELL YOU, IT'S GREAT TO

I DO. I MUST TELL YOU, IT'S GREAT TO BE BACK IN THIS TOWN.

I MUST TELL YOU, IT'S GREAT TO BE BACK IN THIS TOWN. AND I THINK... LET'S BE

BE BACK IN THIS TOWN. AND I THINK... LET'S BE HONEST... NEW YORK CITY IS THE

AND I THINK... LET'S BE HONEST... NEW YORK CITY IS THE GREATEST CITY IN THE WORLD,

HONEST... NEW YORK CITY IS THE GREATEST CITY IN THE WORLD, ISN'T IT?

GREATEST CITY IN THE WORLD, ISN'T IT? [APPLAUSE]

ISN'T IT? [APPLAUSE] YOU KNOW, THIS TRIP, I'VE BEEN

[APPLAUSE] YOU KNOW, THIS TRIP, I'VE BEEN SPENDING A LOT OF TIME IN

YOU KNOW, THIS TRIP, I'VE BEEN SPENDING A LOT OF TIME IN BROOKLYN.

SPENDING A LOT OF TIME IN BROOKLYN. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

BROOKLYN. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] YESTERDAY... I DON'T KNOW, IN

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] YESTERDAY... I DON'T KNOW, IN LOS ANGELES, WE DON'T HAVE MANY

YESTERDAY... I DON'T KNOW, IN LOS ANGELES, WE DON'T HAVE MANY DELICATESSENS, YOU KNOW?

LOS ANGELES, WE DON'T HAVE MANY DELICATESSENS, YOU KNOW? THEY DON'T HAVE NEGROES.

DELICATESSENS, YOU KNOW? THEY DON'T HAVE NEGROES. THEY HAVE NOTHING.

THEY DON'T HAVE NEGROES. THEY HAVE NOTHING. [LAUGHTER]

THEY HAVE NOTHING. [LAUGHTER] BUT I SPENT A LOT OF TIME

[LAUGHTER] BUT I SPENT A LOT OF TIME YESTERDAY AT A LITTLE

BUT I SPENT A LOT OF TIME YESTERDAY AT A LITTLE DELICATESSEN IN QUEENS.

YESTERDAY AT A LITTLE DELICATESSEN IN QUEENS. [APPLAUSE]

DELICATESSEN IN QUEENS. [APPLAUSE] QUEENS.

[APPLAUSE] QUEENS. OF COURSE, THERE'S NO PLACE MORE

QUEENS. OF COURSE, THERE'S NO PLACE MORE EXCITING THAN MANHATTAN TO ME.

OF COURSE, THERE'S NO PLACE MORE EXCITING THAN MANHATTAN TO ME. [APPLAUSE]

EXCITING THAN MANHATTAN TO ME. [APPLAUSE] MANHATTAN IS... UNLESS, OF

[APPLAUSE] MANHATTAN IS... UNLESS, OF COURSE, THAT PLACE IS QUEENS.

MANHATTAN IS... UNLESS, OF COURSE, THAT PLACE IS QUEENS. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

COURSE, THAT PLACE IS QUEENS. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] I THINK THAT IT'S VERY HARD TO

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] I THINK THAT IT'S VERY HARD TO EXPRESS HOW I FEEL IN WORDS,

I THINK THAT IT'S VERY HARD TO EXPRESS HOW I FEEL IN WORDS, AND, WELL, IF IT'S ALL RIGHT

EXPRESS HOW I FEEL IN WORDS, AND, WELL, IF IT'S ALL RIGHT WITH YOU, I'D JUST LIKE TO SING

AND, WELL, IF IT'S ALL RIGHT WITH YOU, I'D JUST LIKE TO SING A SHORT NUMBER.

WITH YOU, I'D JUST LIKE TO SING A SHORT NUMBER. [PIANO PLAYS NOTE]

A SHORT NUMBER. [PIANO PLAYS NOTE] ♪ THE MORE I SEE YOU ♪

[PIANO PLAYS NOTE] ♪ THE MORE I SEE YOU ♪ [BAND PLAYS]

♪ THE MORE I SEE YOU ♪ [BAND PLAYS] ♪ THE MORE I WANT YOU ♪

[BAND PLAYS] ♪ THE MORE I WANT YOU ♪ ♪ SOMEHOW THIS FEELING JUST

♪ THE MORE I WANT YOU ♪ ♪ SOMEHOW THIS FEELING JUST GROWS ♪

♪ SOMEHOW THIS FEELING JUST GROWS ♪ THANK YOU.

GROWS ♪ THANK YOU. HOW ABOUT THAT BAND, HUH?

THANK YOU. HOW ABOUT THAT BAND, HUH? [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

HOW ABOUT THAT BAND, HUH? [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] [MUSIC STOPS]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] [MUSIC STOPS] [BAND PLAYS]

[MUSIC STOPS] [BAND PLAYS] YOU KNOW, IT'S GONNA...

[BAND PLAYS] YOU KNOW, IT'S GONNA... [MUSIC STOPS]

YOU KNOW, IT'S GONNA... [MUSIC STOPS] WHAT A WEEK.

[MUSIC STOPS] WHAT A WEEK. NOT JUST FOR ME... I GUESS WE

WHAT A WEEK. NOT JUST FOR ME... I GUESS WE FOUND A REAL-LIFE ROCKY IN THAT

NOT JUST FOR ME... I GUESS WE FOUND A REAL-LIFE ROCKY IN THAT LEON SPINKS, HUH?

FOUND A REAL-LIFE ROCKY IN THAT LEON SPINKS, HUH? WHAT DO YOU THINK?

LEON SPINKS, HUH? WHAT DO YOU THINK? [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

WHAT DO YOU THINK? [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] YEAH. YEAH.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] YEAH. YEAH. HE DESERVES A LOT OF CREDIT.

YEAH. YEAH. HE DESERVES A LOT OF CREDIT. HE REALLY DOES.

HE DESERVES A LOT OF CREDIT. HE REALLY DOES. I DON'T WANT TO TAKE ANYTHING

HE REALLY DOES. I DON'T WANT TO TAKE ANYTHING AWAY FROM, I THINK, THE GREATEST

I DON'T WANT TO TAKE ANYTHING AWAY FROM, I THINK, THE GREATEST HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION OF ALL

AWAY FROM, I THINK, THE GREATEST HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION OF ALL TIME... NO QUESTION ABOUT IT...

HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION OF ALL TIME... NO QUESTION ABOUT IT... MUHAMMAD ALI.

TIME... NO QUESTION ABOUT IT... MUHAMMAD ALI. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

MUHAMMAD ALI. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] HOW ABOUT THAT MURIEL HUMPHREY,

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] HOW ABOUT THAT MURIEL HUMPHREY, HUH?

HOW ABOUT THAT MURIEL HUMPHREY, HUH? ABSOLUTELY.

HUH? ABSOLUTELY. HALDEMAN'S BOOK COMING OUT...

ABSOLUTELY. HALDEMAN'S BOOK COMING OUT... EVEN MORE DIRT ABOUT WATERGATE.

HALDEMAN'S BOOK COMING OUT... EVEN MORE DIRT ABOUT WATERGATE. I DON'T KNOW HOW YOU FEEL.

EVEN MORE DIRT ABOUT WATERGATE. I DON'T KNOW HOW YOU FEEL. DON'T YOU THINK NIXON SUFFERED

I DON'T KNOW HOW YOU FEEL. DON'T YOU THINK NIXON SUFFERED MUCH... ENOUGH... MUCH TOO MUCH?

DON'T YOU THINK NIXON SUFFERED MUCH... ENOUGH... MUCH TOO MUCH? [LAUGHTER]

MUCH... ENOUGH... MUCH TOO MUCH? [LAUGHTER] HASN'T SUFFERED ENOUGH, HAS HE?

[LAUGHTER] HASN'T SUFFERED ENOUGH, HAS HE? [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

HASN'T SUFFERED ENOUGH, HAS HE? [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] SHOULD HAVE PUT HIM IN JAIL,

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] SHOULD HAVE PUT HIM IN JAIL, RIGHT?

SHOULD HAVE PUT HIM IN JAIL, RIGHT? [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

RIGHT? [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] AND AGNEW, TOO, RIGHT?

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] AND AGNEW, TOO, RIGHT? [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

AND AGNEW, TOO, RIGHT? [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] YEAH!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] YEAH! YOU KNOW WHAT I REALLY LOVE

YEAH! YOU KNOW WHAT I REALLY LOVE ABOUT YOUR APPLAUSE?

YOU KNOW WHAT I REALLY LOVE ABOUT YOUR APPLAUSE? IS ITS SPONTANEITY.

ABOUT YOUR APPLAUSE? IS ITS SPONTANEITY. [LAUGHTER]

IS ITS SPONTANEITY. [LAUGHTER] THAT'S KIND OF WHAT LIVE TV's

[LAUGHTER] THAT'S KIND OF WHAT LIVE TV's ABOUT... GREAT LIVE TELEVISION.

THAT'S KIND OF WHAT LIVE TV's ABOUT... GREAT LIVE TELEVISION. IT SEEMS SPONTANEOUS, BUT, YOU

ABOUT... GREAT LIVE TELEVISION. IT SEEMS SPONTANEOUS, BUT, YOU SEE, IT REALLY ISN'T.

IT SEEMS SPONTANEOUS, BUT, YOU SEE, IT REALLY ISN'T. EVERY WORD IS WRITTEN OUT AND

SEE, IT REALLY ISN'T. EVERY WORD IS WRITTEN OUT AND PUT ON CUE CARDS.

EVERY WORD IS WRITTEN OUT AND PUT ON CUE CARDS. IT'S TRUE.

PUT ON CUE CARDS. IT'S TRUE. I'LL SHOW YOU.

IT'S TRUE. I'LL SHOW YOU. AL, COULD YOU GIVE ME A CARD?

I'LL SHOW YOU. AL, COULD YOU GIVE ME A CARD? SEE, THIS IS REALLY THE ILLUSION

AL, COULD YOU GIVE ME A CARD? SEE, THIS IS REALLY THE ILLUSION OF SPONTANEITY.

SEE, THIS IS REALLY THE ILLUSION OF SPONTANEITY. UH, WE...

OF SPONTANEITY. UH, WE... [LAUGHTER]

UH, WE... [LAUGHTER] THANKS, AL.

[LAUGHTER] THANKS, AL. GIVE ME THE NEXT CARD.

THANKS, AL. GIVE ME THE NEXT CARD. OH, BY THE WAY, AL.

GIVE ME THE NEXT CARD. OH, BY THE WAY, AL. COME ON UP HERE, AL.

OH, BY THE WAY, AL. COME ON UP HERE, AL. [LAUGHTER, CHEERS, APPLAUSE]

COME ON UP HERE, AL. [LAUGHTER, CHEERS, APPLAUSE] THIS IS... THIS IS AL SIEGEL,

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS, APPLAUSE] THIS IS... THIS IS AL SIEGEL, OUR CUE-CARD MAN, AND HE'S DONE

THIS IS... THIS IS AL SIEGEL, OUR CUE-CARD MAN, AND HE'S DONE A GREAT JOB.

OUR CUE-CARD MAN, AND HE'S DONE A GREAT JOB. HE'S GOT A LOT TO DO, A LOT OF

A GREAT JOB. HE'S GOT A LOT TO DO, A LOT OF WORK.

HE'S GOT A LOT TO DO, A LOT OF WORK. INCIDENTALLY, YOU'VE BEEN A

WORK. INCIDENTALLY, YOU'VE BEEN A GREAT AUDIENCE.

INCIDENTALLY, YOU'VE BEEN A GREAT AUDIENCE. I THINK YOU ALL OWE YOURSELVES A

GREAT AUDIENCE. I THINK YOU ALL OWE YOURSELVES A ROUND OF APPLAUSE.

I THINK YOU ALL OWE YOURSELVES A ROUND OF APPLAUSE. PLEASE.

ROUND OF APPLAUSE. PLEASE. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

PLEASE. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK AFTER THIS

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK AFTER THIS MESSAGE.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK AFTER THIS MESSAGE. [APPLAUSE]

HOW MANY TIMES HAS THIS HAPPENED TO YOU? YOU HAVE A BAG OF MOTHS... YES,

HAPPENED TO YOU? YOU HAVE A BAG OF MOTHS... YES, MOTHS... AND YOU'RE TRYING TO

YOU HAVE A BAG OF MOTHS... YES, MOTHS... AND YOU'RE TRYING TO FIND A FAST, EFFICIENT WAY TO

MOTHS... AND YOU'RE TRYING TO FIND A FAST, EFFICIENT WAY TO REDUCE THESE MOTHS INTO A FLAT,

FIND A FAST, EFFICIENT WAY TO REDUCE THESE MOTHS INTO A FLAT, EASILY PORTABLE SIZE.

REDUCE THESE MOTHS INTO A FLAT, EASILY PORTABLE SIZE. AS EVERYONE KNOWS, FRESH MOTHS

EASILY PORTABLE SIZE. AS EVERYONE KNOWS, FRESH MOTHS IN THE BAG ARE BULKY AND

AS EVERYONE KNOWS, FRESH MOTHS IN THE BAG ARE BULKY AND UNMANAGEABLE, DUE TO THE SHEER

IN THE BAG ARE BULKY AND UNMANAGEABLE, DUE TO THE SHEER VOLUME OF THEIR STOUT, LITTLE

UNMANAGEABLE, DUE TO THE SHEER VOLUME OF THEIR STOUT, LITTLE BODIES, AND IT JUST SEEMS THAT

VOLUME OF THEIR STOUT, LITTLE BODIES, AND IT JUST SEEMS THAT NO AMOUNT OF HAMMERING,

BODIES, AND IT JUST SEEMS THAT NO AMOUNT OF HAMMERING, CRUSHING, OR POUNDING BY HAND

NO AMOUNT OF HAMMERING, CRUSHING, OR POUNDING BY HAND EVER GETS THE MOTHS AS CLEAN,

CRUSHING, OR POUNDING BY HAND EVER GETS THE MOTHS AS CLEAN, FLAT, AND PORTABLE AS YOU REALLY

EVER GETS THE MOTHS AS CLEAN, FLAT, AND PORTABLE AS YOU REALLY WANT THEM.

FLAT, AND PORTABLE AS YOU REALLY WANT THEM. WELL, THOSE DAYS OF FRUSTRATING,

WANT THEM. WELL, THOSE DAYS OF FRUSTRATING, DISORDERLY, MESSY MOTH PRESSING

WELL, THOSE DAYS OF FRUSTRATING, DISORDERLY, MESSY MOTH PRESSING ARE FINALLY OVER BECAUSE NOW YOU

DISORDERLY, MESSY MOTH PRESSING ARE FINALLY OVER BECAUSE NOW YOU CAN DO IT THIS DYNAMIC, MODERN

ARE FINALLY OVER BECAUSE NOW YOU CAN DO IT THIS DYNAMIC, MODERN WAY WITH THIS INCREDIBLE

CAN DO IT THIS DYNAMIC, MODERN WAY WITH THIS INCREDIBLE HOUSEHOLD TOOL, THE MOTH MASHER.

WAY WITH THIS INCREDIBLE HOUSEHOLD TOOL, THE MOTH MASHER. YES, MOTH MASHER IS THE AMAZING,

HOUSEHOLD TOOL, THE MOTH MASHER. YES, MOTH MASHER IS THE AMAZING, NEW HOT-PRESS MOTH-COMPACTOR

YES, MOTH MASHER IS THE AMAZING, NEW HOT-PRESS MOTH-COMPACTOR FROM ROVCO.

NEW HOT-PRESS MOTH-COMPACTOR FROM ROVCO. HERE'S HOW IT WORKS.

FROM ROVCO. HERE'S HOW IT WORKS. SIMPLY PLACE THE NUMBER OF MOTHS

HERE'S HOW IT WORKS. SIMPLY PLACE THE NUMBER OF MOTHS THAT YOU WANT TO CARRY WITH YOU

SIMPLY PLACE THE NUMBER OF MOTHS THAT YOU WANT TO CARRY WITH YOU IN THE MOTH MASHER'S PRECUT

THAT YOU WANT TO CARRY WITH YOU IN THE MOTH MASHER'S PRECUT PLASTIC PANELS.

IN THE MOTH MASHER'S PRECUT PLASTIC PANELS. THEN PUT THE PANELS IN THE MOTH

PLASTIC PANELS. THEN PUT THE PANELS IN THE MOTH MASHER.

THEN PUT THE PANELS IN THE MOTH MASHER. PRESS LIGHTLY.

MASHER. PRESS LIGHTLY. [SIZZLING]

PRESS LIGHTLY. [SIZZLING] SEE HOW QUICKLY AND EASILY THE

[SIZZLING] SEE HOW QUICKLY AND EASILY THE MOTH MASHER PRESSES CUMBERSOME,

SEE HOW QUICKLY AND EASILY THE MOTH MASHER PRESSES CUMBERSOME, BULKY MOTHS INTO THIN,

MOTH MASHER PRESSES CUMBERSOME, BULKY MOTHS INTO THIN, PLASTICIZED WAFERS THAT FIT

BULKY MOTHS INTO THIN, PLASTICIZED WAFERS THAT FIT NEATLY AND FLATLY INTO YOUR

PLASTICIZED WAFERS THAT FIT NEATLY AND FLATLY INTO YOUR WALLET, ALONG WITH YOUR CREDIT

NEATLY AND FLATLY INTO YOUR WALLET, ALONG WITH YOUR CREDIT AND IDENTIFICATION CARDS.

WALLET, ALONG WITH YOUR CREDIT AND IDENTIFICATION CARDS. NOW, ISN'T THAT AMAZING?

AND IDENTIFICATION CARDS. NOW, ISN'T THAT AMAZING? AND, LOOK, I USED THE MOTH

NOW, ISN'T THAT AMAZING? AND, LOOK, I USED THE MOTH MASHER TO CRUSH THESE FAT,

AND, LOOK, I USED THE MOTH MASHER TO CRUSH THESE FAT, LITTLE MOTHS INTO A DISTINCTIVE

MASHER TO CRUSH THESE FAT, LITTLE MOTHS INTO A DISTINCTIVE LETTERHEAD FOR MY PERSONAL

LITTLE MOTHS INTO A DISTINCTIVE LETTERHEAD FOR MY PERSONAL STATIONERY.

LETTERHEAD FOR MY PERSONAL STATIONERY. THE MOTH MASHER HOT-PRESS

STATIONERY. THE MOTH MASHER HOT-PRESS MOTH-COMPACTING SYSTEM FROM

THE MOTH MASHER HOT-PRESS MOTH-COMPACTING SYSTEM FROM ROVCO ONLY $19.95 WHILE THIS TV

MOTH-COMPACTING SYSTEM FROM ROVCO ONLY $19.95 WHILE THIS TV OFFER LASTS.

ROVCO ONLY $19.95 WHILE THIS TV OFFER LASTS. INCLUDES MASHER, MOTH

OFFER LASTS. INCLUDES MASHER, MOTH PLASTICIZER PANELS, AND THIS

INCLUDES MASHER, MOTH PLASTICIZER PANELS, AND THIS BOOKLET, "MAKING IT WITH MOTHS."

PLASTICIZER PANELS, AND THIS BOOKLET, "MAKING IT WITH MOTHS." ORDER YOURS NOW.

Announcer: SUPPLIES ARE LIMITED.

YOU WANT A CIGARETTE? NO, THANKS. I DON'T SMOKE. OH, GOOD. NEITHER DO I.

NO, THANKS. I DON'T SMOKE. OH, GOOD. NEITHER DO I. [EXHALES DEEPLY]

OH, GOOD. NEITHER DO I. [EXHALES DEEPLY] THAT WAS TERRIFIC.

[EXHALES DEEPLY] THAT WAS TERRIFIC. HOW WAS IT FOR YOU?

THAT WAS TERRIFIC. HOW WAS IT FOR YOU? OKAY.

HOW WAS IT FOR YOU? OKAY. WAS IT JUST OKAY, OR WAS IT

OKAY. WAS IT JUST OKAY, OR WAS IT REALLY OKAY?

WAS IT JUST OKAY, OR WAS IT REALLY OKAY? WELL, IT WAS REALLY JUST

REALLY OKAY? WELL, IT WAS REALLY JUST OKAY.

WELL, IT WAS REALLY JUST OKAY. DID YOU, UH...

OKAY. DID YOU, UH... YOU KNOW, DID YOU...

DID YOU, UH... YOU KNOW, DID YOU... HMM?

YOU KNOW, DID YOU... HMM? DID YOU HAVE... DID YOU...

HMM? DID YOU HAVE... DID YOU... WELL, COULDN'T YOU TELL?

DID YOU HAVE... DID YOU... WELL, COULDN'T YOU TELL? WELL, I'M NOT VERY GOOD AT

WELL, COULDN'T YOU TELL? WELL, I'M NOT VERY GOOD AT THOSE THINGS.

WELL, I'M NOT VERY GOOD AT THOSE THINGS. I CAN'T FIGURE THOSE THINGS OUT

THOSE THINGS. I CAN'T FIGURE THOSE THINGS OUT TOO GOOD.

I CAN'T FIGURE THOSE THINGS OUT TOO GOOD. THEY CONFUSE ME.

TOO GOOD. THEY CONFUSE ME. WELL, WHY DID YOU ASK?

THEY CONFUSE ME. WELL, WHY DID YOU ASK? WELL, I MEAN, I FIGURED WE'VE

WELL, WHY DID YOU ASK? WELL, I MEAN, I FIGURED WE'VE JUST BEEN VERY INTIMATE, AS

WELL, I MEAN, I FIGURED WE'VE JUST BEEN VERY INTIMATE, AS INTIMATE AS YOU CAN BE, YOU

JUST BEEN VERY INTIMATE, AS INTIMATE AS YOU CAN BE, YOU KNOW?

INTIMATE AS YOU CAN BE, YOU KNOW? AND, UH... I'D FEEL SORT OF

KNOW? AND, UH... I'D FEEL SORT OF GUILTY IF ONLY ONE OF US WAS

AND, UH... I'D FEEL SORT OF GUILTY IF ONLY ONE OF US WAS SATISFIED.

GUILTY IF ONLY ONE OF US WAS SATISFIED. YOU KNOW, IT'S NOT LIKE I DIDN'T

SATISFIED. YOU KNOW, IT'S NOT LIKE I DIDN'T TRY.

YOU KNOW, IT'S NOT LIKE I DIDN'T TRY. OH, I KNOW.

TRY. OH, I KNOW. DID YOU?

OH, I KNOW. DID YOU? WELL, LOOK, DON'T WORRY.

DID YOU? WELL, LOOK, DON'T WORRY. I MEAN, SOMETIMES I DO, AND I

WELL, LOOK, DON'T WORRY. I MEAN, SOMETIMES I DO, AND I DON'T EVEN KNOW IT.

I MEAN, SOMETIMES I DO, AND I DON'T EVEN KNOW IT. HUH?

DON'T EVEN KNOW IT. HUH? I'VE NEVER HEARD OF THAT BEFORE.

HUH? I'VE NEVER HEARD OF THAT BEFORE. WHEN IT HAPPENS TO ME, I KNOW

I'VE NEVER HEARD OF THAT BEFORE. WHEN IT HAPPENS TO ME, I KNOW IT.

WHEN IT HAPPENS TO ME, I KNOW IT. WELL, GIRLS ARE DIFFERENT,

IT. WELL, GIRLS ARE DIFFERENT, YOU KNOW?

WELL, GIRLS ARE DIFFERENT, YOU KNOW? I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW I WAS ALLOWED

YOU KNOW? I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW I WAS ALLOWED TO HAVE ONE TILL I WENT AWAY TO

I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW I WAS ALLOWED TO HAVE ONE TILL I WENT AWAY TO COLLEGE.

TO HAVE ONE TILL I WENT AWAY TO COLLEGE. DO YOU USUALLY HAVE ONE,

COLLEGE. DO YOU USUALLY HAVE ONE, THOUGH?

DO YOU USUALLY HAVE ONE, THOUGH? I MEAN, IS THAT...

THOUGH? I MEAN, IS THAT... WELL, YOU SEE, IT'S LIKE

I MEAN, IS THAT... WELL, YOU SEE, IT'S LIKE THIS... I NEVER REALLY FEEL THEM

WELL, YOU SEE, IT'S LIKE THIS... I NEVER REALLY FEEL THEM IMMEDIATELY.

THIS... I NEVER REALLY FEEL THEM IMMEDIATELY. YOU KNOW, IT'S SORT OF LIKE, UH,

IMMEDIATELY. YOU KNOW, IT'S SORT OF LIKE, UH, THEY KIND OF STORE UP, AND THEN

YOU KNOW, IT'S SORT OF LIKE, UH, THEY KIND OF STORE UP, AND THEN I FEEL THEM ALL AT ONCE,

THEY KIND OF STORE UP, AND THEN I FEEL THEM ALL AT ONCE, USUALLY ON THE FIRST DAY OF

I FEEL THEM ALL AT ONCE, USUALLY ON THE FIRST DAY OF PURIM.

USUALLY ON THE FIRST DAY OF PURIM. A LOT OF GIRLS ARE LIKE THAT.

PURIM. A LOT OF GIRLS ARE LIKE THAT. WELL, THEN YOU MEAN YOU DID

A LOT OF GIRLS ARE LIKE THAT. WELL, THEN YOU MEAN YOU DID HAVE ONE?

WELL, THEN YOU MEAN YOU DID HAVE ONE? WELL...

HAVE ONE? WELL... YOU MIGHT HAVE.

WELL... YOU MIGHT HAVE. YEAH.

YOU MIGHT HAVE. YEAH. THAT'S GOOD. I FEEL BETTER.

YEAH. THAT'S GOOD. I FEEL BETTER. WHAT TIME IS IT?

THAT'S GOOD. I FEEL BETTER. WHAT TIME IS IT? OOH.

WHAT TIME IS IT? OOH. IT'S LATE.

OOH. IT'S LATE. COULD YOU HOLD ME?

IT'S LATE. COULD YOU HOLD ME? WHAT?

COULD YOU HOLD ME? WHAT? WELL, I JUST WONDERED IF

WHAT? WELL, I JUST WONDERED IF YOU'D HOLD ME.

WELL, I JUST WONDERED IF YOU'D HOLD ME. I MEAN, WE'VE BEEN SO CLOSE AND

YOU'D HOLD ME. I MEAN, WE'VE BEEN SO CLOSE AND EVERYTHING, AND I LIKE THAT

I MEAN, WE'VE BEEN SO CLOSE AND EVERYTHING, AND I LIKE THAT PART, THE HOLDING PART.

EVERYTHING, AND I LIKE THAT PART, THE HOLDING PART. I LIKE THAT AS MUCH AS THE OTHER

PART, THE HOLDING PART. I LIKE THAT AS MUCH AS THE OTHER PART.

I LIKE THAT AS MUCH AS THE OTHER PART. WELL, SURE.

PART. WELL, SURE. I LIKE IT, TOO.

WELL, SURE. I LIKE IT, TOO. WAIT. WAIT A MINUTE.

CAN I ASK YOU SOMETHING, UH, PERSONAL? SURE.

PERSONAL? SURE. UM...

SURE. UM... I DON'T WANT TO PRY, BUT WHO'S

UM... I DON'T WANT TO PRY, BUT WHO'S PHIL?

I DON'T WANT TO PRY, BUT WHO'S PHIL? HOW DO YOU KNOW ABOUT PHIL?

PHIL? HOW DO YOU KNOW ABOUT PHIL? WELL, IN THE MIDDLE OF IT,

HOW DO YOU KNOW ABOUT PHIL? WELL, IN THE MIDDLE OF IT, YOU SAID HIS NAME, YOU KNOW?

WELL, IN THE MIDDLE OF IT, YOU SAID HIS NAME, YOU KNOW? OH, GEE. I'M SORRY.

YOU SAID HIS NAME, YOU KNOW? OH, GEE. I'M SORRY. IT'S OKAY. WHO IS HE?

OH, GEE. I'M SORRY. IT'S OKAY. WHO IS HE? WELL, PHIL... PHIL'S MY OLD

IT'S OKAY. WHO IS HE? WELL, PHIL... PHIL'S MY OLD BOYFRIEND.

WELL, PHIL... PHIL'S MY OLD BOYFRIEND. WE JUST BROKE UP A COUPLE WEEKS

BOYFRIEND. WE JUST BROKE UP A COUPLE WEEKS AGO.

WE JUST BROKE UP A COUPLE WEEKS AGO. I'M SORRY.

AGO. I'M SORRY. I DIDN'T MEAN TO HURT YOUR

I'M SORRY. I DIDN'T MEAN TO HURT YOUR FEELINGS, REALLY, I DIDN'T.

I DIDN'T MEAN TO HURT YOUR FEELINGS, REALLY, I DIDN'T. OH, NO, NO. THAT'S OKAY.

FEELINGS, REALLY, I DIDN'T. OH, NO, NO. THAT'S OKAY. NOW I UNDERSTAND.

OH, NO, NO. THAT'S OKAY. NOW I UNDERSTAND. I WAS JUST WONDERING.

NOW I UNDERSTAND. I WAS JUST WONDERING. IT'S OKAY.

I WAS JUST WONDERING. IT'S OKAY. YOU MIND IF I ASK YOU A

IT'S OKAY. YOU MIND IF I ASK YOU A PERSONAL QUESTION?

YOU MIND IF I ASK YOU A PERSONAL QUESTION? OF COURSE. SHOOT.

PERSONAL QUESTION? OF COURSE. SHOOT. WHO'S TERRY?

OF COURSE. SHOOT. WHO'S TERRY? LIKE, IN THE MIDDLE OF

WHO'S TERRY? LIKE, IN THE MIDDLE OF EVERYTHING, YOU SAID, "TERRY."

LIKE, IN THE MIDDLE OF EVERYTHING, YOU SAID, "TERRY." I'M TERRY.

EVERYTHING, YOU SAID, "TERRY." I'M TERRY. TERRY FORRESTER.

I'M TERRY. TERRY FORRESTER. OH, I REMEMBER.

TERRY FORRESTER. OH, I REMEMBER. YOU TOLD ME AT THE PARTY.

OH, I REMEMBER. YOU TOLD ME AT THE PARTY. RIGHT. I REMEMBER.

YOU TOLD ME AT THE PARTY. RIGHT. I REMEMBER. THAT'S JUST SORT OF A HABIT

RIGHT. I REMEMBER. THAT'S JUST SORT OF A HABIT FROM ALL THOSE NIGHTS ALONE.

THAT'S JUST SORT OF A HABIT FROM ALL THOSE NIGHTS ALONE. I DIDN'T MEAN TO HURT YOUR

FROM ALL THOSE NIGHTS ALONE. I DIDN'T MEAN TO HURT YOUR FEELINGS.

I DIDN'T MEAN TO HURT YOUR FEELINGS. TERRY?

FEELINGS. TERRY? YEAH?

TERRY? YEAH? CAN I ASK YOU ANOTHER

YEAH? CAN I ASK YOU ANOTHER QUESTION?

CAN I ASK YOU ANOTHER QUESTION? YEAH, SURE.

QUESTION? YEAH, SURE. WHO'S MOMMY?

YEAH, SURE. WHO'S MOMMY? I SAID "MOMMY"?

WHO'S MOMMY? I SAID "MOMMY"? YEAH.

I SAID "MOMMY"? YEAH. M-MOMMY'S MY MIDDLE NAME...

YEAH. M-MOMMY'S MY MIDDLE NAME... TERRY MOMMY FORRESTER.

M-MOMMY'S MY MIDDLE NAME... TERRY MOMMY FORRESTER. I SWEAR.

TERRY MOMMY FORRESTER. I SWEAR. I BELIEVE YOU.

I SWEAR. I BELIEVE YOU. I KNOW IT SOUNDS FUNNY.

I BELIEVE YOU. I KNOW IT SOUNDS FUNNY. WELL, IT'S GETTING PRETTY LATE.

I KNOW IT SOUNDS FUNNY. WELL, IT'S GETTING PRETTY LATE. WHAT TIME DO YOU HAVE TO GET UP

WELL, IT'S GETTING PRETTY LATE. WHAT TIME DO YOU HAVE TO GET UP FOR WORK?

WHAT TIME DO YOU HAVE TO GET UP FOR WORK? OH, MY BOSS IS OUT OF TOWN.

FOR WORK? OH, MY BOSS IS OUT OF TOWN. I DON'T HAVE TO GO IN TILL THE

OH, MY BOSS IS OUT OF TOWN. I DON'T HAVE TO GO IN TILL THE AFTERNOON.

I DON'T HAVE TO GO IN TILL THE AFTERNOON. WOW. YOU'RE LUCKY.

AFTERNOON. WOW. YOU'RE LUCKY. I'VE GOT A 9:30 CLASS.

WOW. YOU'RE LUCKY. I'VE GOT A 9:30 CLASS. IT TAKES ME 45 MINUTES TO GET

I'VE GOT A 9:30 CLASS. IT TAKES ME 45 MINUTES TO GET THERE.

IT TAKES ME 45 MINUTES TO GET THERE. CLASS?

THERE. CLASS? YEAH.

CLASS? YEAH. I THOUGHT YOU SAID YOU

YEAH. I THOUGHT YOU SAID YOU PITCHED FOR THE YANKEES.

I THOUGHT YOU SAID YOU PITCHED FOR THE YANKEES. I DID? YEAH. WELL.

PITCHED FOR THE YANKEES. I DID? YEAH. WELL. YOU EVEN PROMISED YOU'D GIVE

I DID? YEAH. WELL. YOU EVEN PROMISED YOU'D GIVE ME TICKETS FOR OPENING DAY.

YOU EVEN PROMISED YOU'D GIVE ME TICKETS FOR OPENING DAY. LOOK, I WAS LYING.

ME TICKETS FOR OPENING DAY. LOOK, I WAS LYING. I JUST, UM... I'LL LEVEL WITH

LOOK, I WAS LYING. I JUST, UM... I'LL LEVEL WITH YOU.

I JUST, UM... I'LL LEVEL WITH YOU. I JUST WANTED YOU TO GO HOME

YOU. I JUST WANTED YOU TO GO HOME WITH ME, YOU KNOW?

I JUST WANTED YOU TO GO HOME WITH ME, YOU KNOW? I WANTED TO TAKE YOU HOME.

WITH ME, YOU KNOW? I WANTED TO TAKE YOU HOME. I THOUGHT IT WOULD SOUND A

I WANTED TO TAKE YOU HOME. I THOUGHT IT WOULD SOUND A LITTLE BIT BETTER IF I WAS

I THOUGHT IT WOULD SOUND A LITTLE BIT BETTER IF I WAS PITCHING FOR THE YANKEES.

LITTLE BIT BETTER IF I WAS PITCHING FOR THE YANKEES. I TELL YOU I'M TEACHING DRIVER'S

PITCHING FOR THE YANKEES. I TELL YOU I'M TEACHING DRIVER'S ED FOR RODELL JUNIOR HIGH, YOU

I TELL YOU I'M TEACHING DRIVER'S ED FOR RODELL JUNIOR HIGH, YOU KNOW...

ED FOR RODELL JUNIOR HIGH, YOU KNOW... I UNDERSTAND.

KNOW... I UNDERSTAND. YOU MUST REALLY LIKE BASEBALL.

I UNDERSTAND. YOU MUST REALLY LIKE BASEBALL. NEVER MISS A GAME.

YOU MUST REALLY LIKE BASEBALL. NEVER MISS A GAME. YEAH, ME EITHER, ESPECIALLY

NEVER MISS A GAME. YEAH, ME EITHER, ESPECIALLY THE YANKEES.

YEAH, ME EITHER, ESPECIALLY THE YANKEES. I FOLLOW THEM CLOSELY, LIKE I

THE YANKEES. I FOLLOW THEM CLOSELY, LIKE I KNOW THE WHOLE ROSTER.

I FOLLOW THEM CLOSELY, LIKE I KNOW THE WHOLE ROSTER. WELL, WHY DID YOU LET ME LIE

KNOW THE WHOLE ROSTER. WELL, WHY DID YOU LET ME LIE TO YOU LIKE THAT?

WELL, WHY DID YOU LET ME LIE TO YOU LIKE THAT? WELL, I DIDN'T WANT TO

TO YOU LIKE THAT? WELL, I DIDN'T WANT TO EMBARRASS YOU, AND I WAS AFRAID

WELL, I DIDN'T WANT TO EMBARRASS YOU, AND I WAS AFRAID YOU WOULDN'T TAKE ME HOME.

EMBARRASS YOU, AND I WAS AFRAID YOU WOULDN'T TAKE ME HOME. AND I KNEW YOU'D TELL ME THE

YOU WOULDN'T TAKE ME HOME. AND I KNEW YOU'D TELL ME THE TRUTH, EVENTUALLY.

AND I KNEW YOU'D TELL ME THE TRUTH, EVENTUALLY. WELL, THAT'S REAL NICE OF

TRUTH, EVENTUALLY. WELL, THAT'S REAL NICE OF YOU.

WELL, THAT'S REAL NICE OF YOU. THAT'S REAL NICE.

YOU. THAT'S REAL NICE. I GOT TO GO.

THAT'S REAL NICE. I GOT TO GO. WELL, WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

I GOT TO GO. WELL, WHERE ARE YOU GOING? I TOLD YOU.

WELL, WHERE ARE YOU GOING? I TOLD YOU. I GOT AN EARLY CLASS.

I TOLD YOU. I GOT AN EARLY CLASS. I GOT TO GET READY.

I GOT AN EARLY CLASS. I GOT TO GET READY. WELL, YOU KNOW, YOU CAN STAY

I GOT TO GET READY. WELL, YOU KNOW, YOU CAN STAY IF YOU WANT TO.

WELL, YOU KNOW, YOU CAN STAY IF YOU WANT TO. I CAN? AFTER I LIED?

IF YOU WANT TO. I CAN? AFTER I LIED? SURE.

I CAN? AFTER I LIED? SURE. IT'S YOUR APARTMENT.

[SNEEZES] THE CLASS OF '67 FROM HICKSVILLE HIGH OUT ON LONG ISLAND IS

THE CLASS OF '67 FROM HICKSVILLE HIGH OUT ON LONG ISLAND IS HAVING THEIR REUNION TONIGHT,

HIGH OUT ON LONG ISLAND IS HAVING THEIR REUNION TONIGHT, AND ONE ALUMNUS WILL NOT BE

HAVING THEIR REUNION TONIGHT, AND ONE ALUMNUS WILL NOT BE THERE BECAUSE HE'S HERE.

AND ONE ALUMNUS WILL NOT BE THERE BECAUSE HE'S HERE. IT'S MY SPECIAL GUEST.

THERE BECAUSE HE'S HERE. IT'S MY SPECIAL GUEST. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

IT'S MY SPECIAL GUEST. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, BILLY JOEL.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, BILLY JOEL. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

BILLY JOEL. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] [INTRO TO "ONLY THE GOOD DIE

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] [INTRO TO "ONLY THE GOOD DIE YOUNG" PLAYS]

♪ COME OUT, VIRGINIA ♪ ♪ DON'T LET ME WAIT ♪ ♪ YOU CATHOLIC GIRLS START MUCH

♪ DON'T LET ME WAIT ♪ ♪ YOU CATHOLIC GIRLS START MUCH TOO LATE ♪

♪ YOU CATHOLIC GIRLS START MUCH TOO LATE ♪ ♪ OH, BUT SOONER OR LATER IT

TOO LATE ♪ ♪ OH, BUT SOONER OR LATER IT COMES DOWN TO FATE ♪

♪ OH, BUT SOONER OR LATER IT COMES DOWN TO FATE ♪ ♪ I MIGHT AS WELL BE THE ONE ♪

COMES DOWN TO FATE ♪ ♪ I MIGHT AS WELL BE THE ONE ♪ ♪ WELL, THEY SHOWED YOU A STATUE

♪ I MIGHT AS WELL BE THE ONE ♪ ♪ WELL, THEY SHOWED YOU A STATUE AND TOLD YOU TO PRAY ♪

♪ WELL, THEY SHOWED YOU A STATUE AND TOLD YOU TO PRAY ♪ ♪ THEY BUILT YOU A TEMPLE AND

AND TOLD YOU TO PRAY ♪ ♪ THEY BUILT YOU A TEMPLE AND LOCKED YOU AWAY ♪

♪ THEY BUILT YOU A TEMPLE AND LOCKED YOU AWAY ♪ ♪ OH, BUT THEY NEVER TOLD YOU

LOCKED YOU AWAY ♪ ♪ OH, BUT THEY NEVER TOLD YOU THE PRICE THAT YOU PAY ♪

♪ OH, BUT THEY NEVER TOLD YOU THE PRICE THAT YOU PAY ♪ ♪ FOR THINGS THAT YOU MIGHT HAVE

THE PRICE THAT YOU PAY ♪ ♪ FOR THINGS THAT YOU MIGHT HAVE DONE ♪

♪ FOR THINGS THAT YOU MIGHT HAVE DONE ♪ ♪ ONLY THE GOOD DIE YOUNG ♪

DONE ♪ ♪ ONLY THE GOOD DIE YOUNG ♪ ♪ THAT'S WHAT I SAID ♪

♪ ONLY THE GOOD DIE YOUNG ♪ ♪ THAT'S WHAT I SAID ♪ ♪ ONLY THE GOOD DIE YOUNG ♪

♪ THAT'S WHAT I SAID ♪ ♪ ONLY THE GOOD DIE YOUNG ♪ ♪ ONLY THE GOOD DIE YOUNG ♪

♪ ONLY THE GOOD DIE YOUNG ♪ ♪ ONLY THE GOOD DIE YOUNG ♪ ♪ YOU MIGHT HAVE HEARD I RUN

♪ ONLY THE GOOD DIE YOUNG ♪ ♪ YOU MIGHT HAVE HEARD I RUN WITH A DANGEROUS CROWD ♪

♪ YOU MIGHT HAVE HEARD I RUN WITH A DANGEROUS CROWD ♪ ♪ WE AIN'T TOO PRETTY ♪

WITH A DANGEROUS CROWD ♪ ♪ WE AIN'T TOO PRETTY ♪ ♪ WE AIN'T TOO PROUD ♪

♪ WE AIN'T TOO PRETTY ♪ ♪ WE AIN'T TOO PROUD ♪ ♪ WE MIGHT BE LAUGHING A BIT TOO

♪ WE AIN'T TOO PROUD ♪ ♪ WE MIGHT BE LAUGHING A BIT TOO LOUD ♪

♪ WE MIGHT BE LAUGHING A BIT TOO LOUD ♪ ♪ OH, BUT THAT NEVER HURT NO

LOUD ♪ ♪ OH, BUT THAT NEVER HURT NO ONE ♪

♪ OH, BUT THAT NEVER HURT NO ONE ♪ ♪ SO, COME ON, VIRGINIA, SHOW ME

ONE ♪ ♪ SO, COME ON, VIRGINIA, SHOW ME A SIGN ♪

♪ SO, COME ON, VIRGINIA, SHOW ME A SIGN ♪ ♪ SEND UP A SIGNAL ♪

A SIGN ♪ ♪ SEND UP A SIGNAL ♪ ♪ I'LL THROW YOU THE LINE ♪

♪ SEND UP A SIGNAL ♪ ♪ I'LL THROW YOU THE LINE ♪ ♪ THE STAINED-GLASS CURTAIN

♪ I'LL THROW YOU THE LINE ♪ ♪ THE STAINED-GLASS CURTAIN YOU'RE HIDING BEHIND ♪

♪ THE STAINED-GLASS CURTAIN YOU'RE HIDING BEHIND ♪ ♪ NEVER LETS IN THE SUN ♪

YOU'RE HIDING BEHIND ♪ ♪ NEVER LETS IN THE SUN ♪ ♪ DARLING, ONLY THE GOOD DIE

♪ NEVER LETS IN THE SUN ♪ ♪ DARLING, ONLY THE GOOD DIE YOUNG ♪

♪ DARLING, ONLY THE GOOD DIE YOUNG ♪ ♪ THAT'S WHAT I SAID ♪

YOUNG ♪ ♪ THAT'S WHAT I SAID ♪ ♪ ONLY THE GOOD DIE YOUNG ♪

♪ THAT'S WHAT I SAID ♪ ♪ ONLY THE GOOD DIE YOUNG ♪ ♪ ONLY THE GOOD DIE YOUNG ♪

♪ ONLY THE GOOD DIE YOUNG ♪ ♪ ONLY THE GOOD DIE YOUNG ♪ ♪ YOU GOT A NICE WHITE DRESS AND

♪ ONLY THE GOOD DIE YOUNG ♪ ♪ YOU GOT A NICE WHITE DRESS AND A PARTY ON YOUR CONFIRMATION ♪

♪ YOU GOT A NICE WHITE DRESS AND A PARTY ON YOUR CONFIRMATION ♪ ♪ YOU GOT A BRAND-NEW SOUL ♪

A PARTY ON YOUR CONFIRMATION ♪ ♪ YOU GOT A BRAND-NEW SOUL ♪ ♪ MMM, AND A CROSS OF GOLD ♪

♪ YOU GOT A BRAND-NEW SOUL ♪ ♪ MMM, AND A CROSS OF GOLD ♪ ♪ BUT, VIRGINIA, THEY DIDN'T

♪ MMM, AND A CROSS OF GOLD ♪ ♪ BUT, VIRGINIA, THEY DIDN'T GIVE YOU QUITE ENOUGH

♪ BUT, VIRGINIA, THEY DIDN'T GIVE YOU QUITE ENOUGH INFORMATION ♪

GIVE YOU QUITE ENOUGH INFORMATION ♪ ♪ OH, YOU DIDN'T COUNT ON ME ♪

INFORMATION ♪ ♪ OH, YOU DIDN'T COUNT ON ME ♪ ♪ WHEN YOU WERE COUNTING ON YOUR

♪ OH, YOU DIDN'T COUNT ON ME ♪ ♪ WHEN YOU WERE COUNTING ON YOUR ROSARY ♪

♪ WHEN YOU WERE COUNTING ON YOUR ROSARY ♪ ♪ OH, WHOA, WHOA ♪

ROSARY ♪ ♪ OH, WHOA, WHOA ♪ ♪ AND THEY SAY THERE'S A HEAVEN

♪ OH, WHOA, WHOA ♪ ♪ AND THEY SAY THERE'S A HEAVEN FOR THOSE WHO WILL WAIT ♪

♪ AND THEY SAY THERE'S A HEAVEN FOR THOSE WHO WILL WAIT ♪ ♪ SOME SAY IT'S BETTER ♪

FOR THOSE WHO WILL WAIT ♪ ♪ SOME SAY IT'S BETTER ♪ ♪ BUT I SAY IT AIN'T ♪

♪ SOME SAY IT'S BETTER ♪ ♪ BUT I SAY IT AIN'T ♪ ♪ I'D RATHER LAUGH WITH THE

♪ BUT I SAY IT AIN'T ♪ ♪ I'D RATHER LAUGH WITH THE SINNERS THAN CRY WITH THE

♪ I'D RATHER LAUGH WITH THE SINNERS THAN CRY WITH THE SAINTS ♪

SINNERS THAN CRY WITH THE SAINTS ♪ ♪ SINNERS ARE MUCH MORE FUN ♪

SAINTS ♪ ♪ SINNERS ARE MUCH MORE FUN ♪ ♪ DON'T YOU KNOW THAT ONLY THE

♪ SINNERS ARE MUCH MORE FUN ♪ ♪ DON'T YOU KNOW THAT ONLY THE GOOD DIE YOUNG ♪

♪ DON'T YOU KNOW THAT ONLY THE GOOD DIE YOUNG ♪ ♪ THAT'S WHAT I SAID ♪

GOOD DIE YOUNG ♪ ♪ THAT'S WHAT I SAID ♪ ♪ ONLY THE GOOD DIE YOUNG ♪

♪ THAT'S WHAT I SAID ♪ ♪ ONLY THE GOOD DIE YOUNG ♪ ♪ ONLY THE GOOD DIE YOUNG ♪

♪ ONLY THE GOOD DIE YOUNG ♪ ♪ ONLY THE GOOD DIE YOUNG ♪ [SAXOPHONE SOLO]

♪ YOU SAY YOUR MOTHER TOLD YOU ALL THAT I COULD GIVE YOU WAS A REPUTATION ♪

ALL THAT I COULD GIVE YOU WAS A REPUTATION ♪ ♪ OH, SHE NEVER CARED FOR ME ♪

REPUTATION ♪ ♪ OH, SHE NEVER CARED FOR ME ♪ ♪ BUT DID SHE EVER SAY A PRAYER

♪ OH, SHE NEVER CARED FOR ME ♪ ♪ BUT DID SHE EVER SAY A PRAYER FOR ME? ♪

♪ BUT DID SHE EVER SAY A PRAYER FOR ME? ♪ ♪ OH, OH, OH ♪

FOR ME? ♪ ♪ OH, OH, OH ♪ ♪ COME OUT, COME OUT, COME OUT,

♪ OH, OH, OH ♪ ♪ COME OUT, COME OUT, COME OUT, VIRGINIA, DON'T LET ME WAIT ♪

♪ COME OUT, COME OUT, COME OUT, VIRGINIA, DON'T LET ME WAIT ♪ ♪ YOU CATHOLIC GIRLS START MUCH

VIRGINIA, DON'T LET ME WAIT ♪ ♪ YOU CATHOLIC GIRLS START MUCH TOO LATE ♪

♪ YOU CATHOLIC GIRLS START MUCH TOO LATE ♪ ♪ BUT SOONER OR LATER IT COMES

TOO LATE ♪ ♪ BUT SOONER OR LATER IT COMES DOWN TO FATE ♪

♪ BUT SOONER OR LATER IT COMES DOWN TO FATE ♪ ♪ I WANT TO BE THE ONE ♪

DOWN TO FATE ♪ ♪ I WANT TO BE THE ONE ♪ ♪ 'CAUSE, DARLING, ONLY THE GOOD

♪ I WANT TO BE THE ONE ♪ ♪ 'CAUSE, DARLING, ONLY THE GOOD DIE YOUNG ♪

♪ 'CAUSE, DARLING, ONLY THE GOOD DIE YOUNG ♪ ♪ THAT'S WHAT I SAID ♪

DIE YOUNG ♪ ♪ THAT'S WHAT I SAID ♪ ♪ ONLY THE GOOD DIE YOUNG ♪

♪ THAT'S WHAT I SAID ♪ ♪ ONLY THE GOOD DIE YOUNG ♪ ♪ ONLY THE GOOD DIE YOUNG ♪

♪ ONLY THE GOOD DIE YOUNG ♪ ♪ ONLY THE GOOD DIE YOUNG ♪ ♪ ONLY THE GO-O-O-O-O-OD ♪

♪ ONLY THE GOOD DIE YOUNG ♪ ♪ ONLY THE GO-O-O-O-O-OD ♪ ♪ ONLY THE GOOD DIE YOUNG ♪

♪ ONLY THE GO-O-O-O-O-OD ♪ ♪ ONLY THE GOOD DIE YOUNG ♪ ♪ OOOOOOOH ♪

♪ ONLY THE GOOD DIE YOUNG ♪ ♪ OOOOOOOH ♪ ♪ OOOOOOOH ♪

♪ OOOOOOOH ♪ ♪ OOOOOOOH ♪ ♪ ONLY THE GOOD DIE YOUNG ♪

♪ OOOOOOOH ♪ ♪ ONLY THE GOOD DIE YOUNG ♪ [MUSIC ENDS]

♪ ONLY THE GOOD DIE YOUNG ♪ [MUSIC ENDS] [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

[New England accent] UH, MARTIN, I, UH, JUST WANTED YOU TO KNOW THAT MY BROTHER AND I

MARTIN, I, UH, JUST WANTED YOU TO KNOW THAT MY BROTHER AND I HAVE LOOKED FORWARD TO SEEING

TO KNOW THAT MY BROTHER AND I HAVE LOOKED FORWARD TO SEEING YOU HERE IN HYANNIS PORT.

HAVE LOOKED FORWARD TO SEEING YOU HERE IN HYANNIS PORT. BOBBY AND I LIKE TO FEEL AS IF

YOU HERE IN HYANNIS PORT. BOBBY AND I LIKE TO FEEL AS IF WE'RE ALL OLD FRIENDS.

BOBBY AND I LIKE TO FEEL AS IF WE'RE ALL OLD FRIENDS. VERY WELL, THEN.

WE'RE ALL OLD FRIENDS. VERY WELL, THEN. HAS ANYBODY HERE SEEN MY OLD

VERY WELL, THEN. HAS ANYBODY HERE SEEN MY OLD FRIEND BOBBY?

HAS ANYBODY HERE SEEN MY OLD FRIEND BOBBY? CAN YOU TELL ME WHERE HE'S GONE?

FRIEND BOBBY? CAN YOU TELL ME WHERE HE'S GONE? WELL, I, UH... I, UH, THINK

CAN YOU TELL ME WHERE HE'S GONE? WELL, I, UH... I, UH, THINK HE WENT TO THE, UH, KITCHEN TO

WELL, I, UH... I, UH, THINK HE WENT TO THE, UH, KITCHEN TO GET A CUP OF, UH, CHOWDER.

HE WENT TO THE, UH, KITCHEN TO GET A CUP OF, UH, CHOWDER. WELL, THEN, MAY I TAKE A

GET A CUP OF, UH, CHOWDER. WELL, THEN, MAY I TAKE A BRIEF MOMENT OF THIS PRECIOUS

WELL, THEN, MAY I TAKE A BRIEF MOMENT OF THIS PRECIOUS TIME TO USE THE BATHROOM?

BRIEF MOMENT OF THIS PRECIOUS TIME TO USE THE BATHROOM? SURE, MARTIN.

TIME TO USE THE BATHROOM? SURE, MARTIN. THE BATHROOM'S JUST RIGHT HERE,

SURE, MARTIN. THE BATHROOM'S JUST RIGHT HERE, FIRST DOOR ON THE RIGHT.

THE BATHROOM'S JUST RIGHT HERE, FIRST DOOR ON THE RIGHT. THANK YOU, JOHN.

FIRST DOOR ON THE RIGHT. THANK YOU, JOHN. I SHALL NOT BE LONG, FOR I SHALL

THANK YOU, JOHN. I SHALL NOT BE LONG, FOR I SHALL ONLY URINATE.

I SHALL NOT BE LONG, FOR I SHALL ONLY URINATE. [New England accent] MMM.

ONLY URINATE. [New England accent] MMM. THAT'S, UH, G-G-GOOD CHOWDER.

[New England accent] MMM. THAT'S, UH, G-G-GOOD CHOWDER. HEY, HAS ANYBODY HERE SEEN MY

THAT'S, UH, G-G-GOOD CHOWDER. HEY, HAS ANYBODY HERE SEEN MY OLD FRIEND MARTIN?

HEY, HAS ANYBODY HERE SEEN MY OLD FRIEND MARTIN? I JUST TURNED AROUND, AND HE'S

OLD FRIEND MARTIN? I JUST TURNED AROUND, AND HE'S GONE.

I JUST TURNED AROUND, AND HE'S GONE. UH, HE WENT TO THE BATHROOM.

GONE. UH, HE WENT TO THE BATHROOM. DOES HE SEEM TO TRUST US,

UH, HE WENT TO THE BATHROOM. DOES HE SEEM TO TRUST US, JOHN?

DOES HE SEEM TO TRUST US, JOHN? I THINK SO, BOBBY.

JOHN? I THINK SO, BOBBY. HE'S BOUGHT THAT OLD FRIEND

I THINK SO, BOBBY. HE'S BOUGHT THAT OLD FRIEND LINE, YOU KNOW.

HE'S BOUGHT THAT OLD FRIEND LINE, YOU KNOW. OH, GOOD. GOOD. GOOD.

LINE, YOU KNOW. OH, GOOD. GOOD. GOOD. SAY, IT'S, UH, GOOD CHOWDER?

OH, GOOD. GOOD. GOOD. SAY, IT'S, UH, GOOD CHOWDER? GOOD CHOWDER.

SAY, IT'S, UH, GOOD CHOWDER? GOOD CHOWDER. THE, UH, CLAMS ARE, UH, VERY...

GOOD CHOWDER. THE, UH, CLAMS ARE, UH, VERY... VERY TENDER.

THE, UH, CLAMS ARE, UH, VERY... VERY TENDER. I, UH... I THINK THEY WERE

VERY TENDER. I, UH... I THINK THEY WERE RATHER YOUNG CLAMS.

I, UH... I THINK THEY WERE RATHER YOUNG CLAMS. IT SEEMS, UH, THE GOOD ONES,

RATHER YOUNG CLAMS. IT SEEMS, UH, THE GOOD ONES, THEY, UH, DIE YOUNG.

IT SEEMS, UH, THE GOOD ONES, THEY, UH, DIE YOUNG. I THINK I'LL, UH, GET SOME

THEY, UH, DIE YOUNG. I THINK I'LL, UH, GET SOME CHOWDER, TOO.

I THINK I'LL, UH, GET SOME CHOWDER, TOO. MMM. GOOD.

CHOWDER, TOO. MMM. GOOD. IT'S, UH, IT'S G-G-GOOD CHOWDER,

MMM. GOOD. IT'S, UH, IT'S G-G-GOOD CHOWDER, JACK.

IT'S, UH, IT'S G-G-GOOD CHOWDER, JACK. OH, UH, MY OLD FRIEND MARTIN,

JACK. OH, UH, MY OLD FRIEND MARTIN, FOR HEAVEN'S SAKES.

OH, UH, MY OLD FRIEND MARTIN, FOR HEAVEN'S SAKES. MY OLD FRIEND BOBBY.

FOR HEAVEN'S SAKES. MY OLD FRIEND BOBBY. GOOD TO SEE YOU.

MY OLD FRIEND BOBBY. GOOD TO SEE YOU. SAY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY OLD FRIEND

GOOD TO SEE YOU. SAY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY OLD FRIEND JOHN?

SAY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY OLD FRIEND JOHN? HE, UH, WENT TO GO GET SOME

JOHN? HE, UH, WENT TO GO GET SOME CHOWDER.

HE, UH, WENT TO GO GET SOME CHOWDER. WOULD YOU LIKE SOME?

CHOWDER. WOULD YOU LIKE SOME? IT'S GOOD CHOWDER.

WOULD YOU LIKE SOME? IT'S GOOD CHOWDER. IS IT NEW ENGLAND CLAM

IT'S GOOD CHOWDER. IS IT NEW ENGLAND CLAM CHOWDER?

IS IT NEW ENGLAND CLAM CHOWDER? IS THE PRESIDENT CATHOLIC?

CHOWDER? IS THE PRESIDENT CATHOLIC? [BOTH LAUGH]

IS THE PRESIDENT CATHOLIC? [BOTH LAUGH] NO, THANK YOU.

[BOTH LAUGH] NO, THANK YOU. I PREFER MANHATTAN STYLE.

NO, THANK YOU. I PREFER MANHATTAN STYLE. UH, MARTIN, DID JACK GIVE YOU

I PREFER MANHATTAN STYLE. UH, MARTIN, DID JACK GIVE YOU ONE OF HIS PT-109 TIE CLASPS?

UH, MARTIN, DID JACK GIVE YOU ONE OF HIS PT-109 TIE CLASPS? NO, I DON'T BELIEVE HE DID.

ONE OF HIS PT-109 TIE CLASPS? NO, I DON'T BELIEVE HE DID. YEAH, WELL, HE'D BE HONORED

NO, I DON'T BELIEVE HE DID. YEAH, WELL, HE'D BE HONORED IF YOU WOULD WEAR THIS FOR HIM,

YEAH, WELL, HE'D BE HONORED IF YOU WOULD WEAR THIS FOR HIM, AND IF YOU'D SPEAK DIRECTLY INTO

IF YOU WOULD WEAR THIS FOR HIM, AND IF YOU'D SPEAK DIRECTLY INTO IT, OKAY?

AND IF YOU'D SPEAK DIRECTLY INTO IT, OKAY? WELL, I THANK YOU ON BEHALF

IT, OKAY? WELL, I THANK YOU ON BEHALF OF THE ENTIRE KING FAMILY.

WELL, I THANK YOU ON BEHALF OF THE ENTIRE KING FAMILY. AH, GOOD CHOWDER.

OF THE ENTIRE KING FAMILY. AH, GOOD CHOWDER. UH, JOHN, BOBBY, AS YOU KNOW,

AH, GOOD CHOWDER. UH, JOHN, BOBBY, AS YOU KNOW, I'VE COME TO DISCUSS OUR

UH, JOHN, BOBBY, AS YOU KNOW, I'VE COME TO DISCUSS OUR INTENTION TO ORGANIZE A MARCH ON

I'VE COME TO DISCUSS OUR INTENTION TO ORGANIZE A MARCH ON WASHINGTON.

INTENTION TO ORGANIZE A MARCH ON WASHINGTON. IT CAN'T BE DONE NOW!

WASHINGTON. IT CAN'T BE DONE NOW! IT'S NOT THE RIGHT TIME!

IT CAN'T BE DONE NOW! IT'S NOT THE RIGHT TIME! HMM.

IT'S NOT THE RIGHT TIME! HMM. HMM.

HMM. HMM. WHITE PEOPLE ARE ALWAYS SAYING

HMM. WHITE PEOPLE ARE ALWAYS SAYING IT'S NEVER... OR NOT, RATHER...

WHITE PEOPLE ARE ALWAYS SAYING IT'S NEVER... OR NOT, RATHER... THE RIGHT TIME.

IT'S NEVER... OR NOT, RATHER... THE RIGHT TIME. WHEN... YOU TELL ME... WHEN IS

THE RIGHT TIME. WHEN... YOU TELL ME... WHEN IS THE RIGHT TIME?

WHEN... YOU TELL ME... WHEN IS THE RIGHT TIME? WHEN I'M PRESIDENT!

THE RIGHT TIME? WHEN I'M PRESIDENT! BOBBY!

WHEN I'M PRESIDENT! BOBBY! I'M SORRY, JACK.

BOBBY! I'M SORRY, JACK. MARTIN, LET'S PUT ASIDE THESE

I'M SORRY, JACK. MARTIN, LET'S PUT ASIDE THESE SERIOUS MATTERS FOR A MOMENT AND

MARTIN, LET'S PUT ASIDE THESE SERIOUS MATTERS FOR A MOMENT AND GET TO KNOW EACH OTHER AS OLD

SERIOUS MATTERS FOR A MOMENT AND GET TO KNOW EACH OTHER AS OLD FRIENDS.

GET TO KNOW EACH OTHER AS OLD FRIENDS. HAVE YOU EVER SLEPT WITH A WHITE

FRIENDS. HAVE YOU EVER SLEPT WITH A WHITE GIRL?

HAVE YOU EVER SLEPT WITH A WHITE GIRL? DOES YOUR SISTER COUNT?

GIRL? DOES YOUR SISTER COUNT? YOU KNOW, WE HAVE A PRIVATE

DOES YOUR SISTER COUNT? YOU KNOW, WE HAVE A PRIVATE BEACH HERE.

YOU KNOW, WE HAVE A PRIVATE BEACH HERE. HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO GO DOWN

BEACH HERE. HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO GO DOWN AND SWIM IN THE NUDE WITH SOME

HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO GO DOWN AND SWIM IN THE NUDE WITH SOME OF THE SECRETARIES?

AND SWIM IN THE NUDE WITH SOME OF THE SECRETARIES? GENTLEMEN, YOU DON'T SEEM TO

OF THE SECRETARIES? GENTLEMEN, YOU DON'T SEEM TO UNDERSTAND THE IMPORT OF WHAT

GENTLEMEN, YOU DON'T SEEM TO UNDERSTAND THE IMPORT OF WHAT I'M TRYING TO DO.

UNDERSTAND THE IMPORT OF WHAT I'M TRYING TO DO. DIDN'T YOU LOVE THE THINGS THAT

I'M TRYING TO DO. DIDN'T YOU LOVE THE THINGS THAT I STOOD FOR?

DIDN'T YOU LOVE THE THINGS THAT I STOOD FOR? SURE, I CHEAT... CHEATED A

I STOOD FOR? SURE, I CHEAT... CHEATED A LITTLE BIT.

SURE, I CHEAT... CHEATED A LITTLE BIT. BUT IT'S NOT A PREOCCUPATION,

LITTLE BIT. BUT IT'S NOT A PREOCCUPATION, GENTLEMEN.

BUT IT'S NOT A PREOCCUPATION, GENTLEMEN. GOODBYE.

GENTLEMEN. GOODBYE. DON'T LEAVE ANGRY, NOW,

GOODBYE. DON'T LEAVE ANGRY, NOW, MARTIN.

DON'T LEAVE ANGRY, NOW, MARTIN. WE'RE THE KENNEDYS.

MARTIN. WE'RE THE KENNEDYS. DON'T CROSS US!

WE'RE THE KENNEDYS. DON'T CROSS US! DON'T WORRY ABOUT MARTIN,

DON'T CROSS US! DON'T WORRY ABOUT MARTIN, BOBBY.

DON'T WORRY ABOUT MARTIN, BOBBY. IN 15 YEARS, THE THREE OF US

BOBBY. IN 15 YEARS, THE THREE OF US WILL PROBABLY LOOK BACK ON THIS

IN 15 YEARS, THE THREE OF US WILL PROBABLY LOOK BACK ON THIS AND LAUGH.

WILL PROBABLY LOOK BACK ON THIS AND LAUGH. WELL, MAYBE NOT.

AND LAUGH. WELL, MAYBE NOT. IN FACT, I'M SURE WE WON'T

WELL, MAYBE NOT. IN FACT, I'M SURE WE WON'T LAUGH.

IN FACT, I'M SURE WE WON'T LAUGH. I'M SURE OF IT.

LAUGH. I'M SURE OF IT. HOW ABOUT THROWING AROUND A

I'M SURE OF IT. HOW ABOUT THROWING AROUND A FOOTBALL, MAYBE GO OUT AND HAVE

HOW ABOUT THROWING AROUND A FOOTBALL, MAYBE GO OUT AND HAVE A GAME OF TOUCH FOOTBALL?

FOOTBALL, MAYBE GO OUT AND HAVE A GAME OF TOUCH FOOTBALL? I KNOW.

A GAME OF TOUCH FOOTBALL? I KNOW. LET'S GO GET SOME MORE CHOWDER.

I KNOW. LET'S GO GET SOME MORE CHOWDER. CHOWDER.

LET'S GO GET SOME MORE CHOWDER. CHOWDER. I'D PREFER THAT IMMENSELY.

CHOWDER. I'D PREFER THAT IMMENSELY. LET'S GO GET THE CHOWDER.

STILL TO COME, LEON SPINKS WINS THE HEAVYWEIGHT TITLE. THIS AND OTHER STORIES ON

WINS THE HEAVYWEIGHT TITLE. THIS AND OTHER STORIES ON "WEEKEND UPDATE" NEXT.

Announcer: AND NOW "WEEKEND UPDATE" WITH THE "WEEKEND UPDATE" NEWS TEAM,

"WEEKEND UPDATE" WITH THE "WEEKEND UPDATE" NEWS TEAM, BROUGHT TO YOU BY PUSSYWHIP.

"WEEKEND UPDATE" NEWS TEAM, BROUGHT TO YOU BY PUSSYWHIP. PUSSYWHIP... THE FIRST DESSERT

BROUGHT TO YOU BY PUSSYWHIP. PUSSYWHIP... THE FIRST DESSERT TOPPING FOR CATS.

PUSSYWHIP... THE FIRST DESSERT TOPPING FOR CATS. HERE ARE CO-ANCHORPERSONS

TOPPING FOR CATS. HERE ARE CO-ANCHORPERSONS DAN AYKROYD AND JANE CURTIN.

HERE ARE CO-ANCHORPERSONS DAN AYKROYD AND JANE CURTIN. I WILL BE DAN AYKROYD.

DAN AYKROYD AND JANE CURTIN. I WILL BE DAN AYKROYD. AND I AM JANE CURTIN.

I WILL BE DAN AYKROYD. AND I AM JANE CURTIN. OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT... MORE

AND I AM JANE CURTIN. OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT... MORE DETAILS ON THAT

OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT... MORE DETAILS ON THAT H.R. BOB HALDEMAN BOOK

DETAILS ON THAT H.R. BOB HALDEMAN BOOK "THE ENDS OF POWER"... NIXON

H.R. BOB HALDEMAN BOOK "THE ENDS OF POWER"... NIXON STEALING SILVERWARE, NIXON

"THE ENDS OF POWER"... NIXON STEALING SILVERWARE, NIXON SMEARING OATMEAL ON HIS LAPELS,

STEALING SILVERWARE, NIXON SMEARING OATMEAL ON HIS LAPELS, NIXON KILLING A CUBAN BUSBOY,

SMEARING OATMEAL ON HIS LAPELS, NIXON KILLING A CUBAN BUSBOY, AND A SAD, EMBITTERED NIXON

NIXON KILLING A CUBAN BUSBOY, AND A SAD, EMBITTERED NIXON BARKING LIKE A DOG AND SLEEPING

AND A SAD, EMBITTERED NIXON BARKING LIKE A DOG AND SLEEPING IN PACKING CRATES.

BARKING LIKE A DOG AND SLEEPING IN PACKING CRATES. HALDEMAN EXPECTS THE BOOK TO

IN PACKING CRATES. HALDEMAN EXPECTS THE BOOK TO GROSS MILLIONS AND PLANS TO USE

HALDEMAN EXPECTS THE BOOK TO GROSS MILLIONS AND PLANS TO USE THE MONEY TO RESHAPE THE TOP OF

GROSS MILLIONS AND PLANS TO USE THE MONEY TO RESHAPE THE TOP OF HIS HEAD, WHICH CURRENTLY LOOKS

THE MONEY TO RESHAPE THE TOP OF HIS HEAD, WHICH CURRENTLY LOOKS LIKE A PUTTING GREEN.

HIS HEAD, WHICH CURRENTLY LOOKS LIKE A PUTTING GREEN. AND IN ANOTHER STORY FROM

LIKE A PUTTING GREEN. AND IN ANOTHER STORY FROM WASHINGTON, DEMOCRATIC

AND IN ANOTHER STORY FROM WASHINGTON, DEMOCRATIC CONGRESSMAN DANIEL FLOOD OF

WASHINGTON, DEMOCRATIC CONGRESSMAN DANIEL FLOOD OF PENNSYLVANIA... BEING

CONGRESSMAN DANIEL FLOOD OF PENNSYLVANIA... BEING INVESTIGATED FOR INFLUENCE

PENNSYLVANIA... BEING INVESTIGATED FOR INFLUENCE PEDALING... ANNOUNCED THIS WEEK

INVESTIGATED FOR INFLUENCE PEDALING... ANNOUNCED THIS WEEK THAT HE WILL ENTER WALTER REED

PEDALING... ANNOUNCED THIS WEEK THAT HE WILL ENTER WALTER REED HOSPITAL NEXT MONTH FOR SURGERY

THAT HE WILL ENTER WALTER REED HOSPITAL NEXT MONTH FOR SURGERY TO HAVE THE MICE REMOVED FROM

HOSPITAL NEXT MONTH FOR SURGERY TO HAVE THE MICE REMOVED FROM HIS NOSTRILS.

TO HAVE THE MICE REMOVED FROM HIS NOSTRILS. [COUGHS]

HIS NOSTRILS. [COUGHS] EXCUSE ME.

[COUGHS] EXCUSE ME. WELL, WHAT LOOKS LIKE A

EXCUSE ME. WELL, WHAT LOOKS LIKE A MONUMENTAL BREAKTHROUGH IN BIRTH

WELL, WHAT LOOKS LIKE A MONUMENTAL BREAKTHROUGH IN BIRTH CONTROL IS BEING TESTED AT

MONUMENTAL BREAKTHROUGH IN BIRTH CONTROL IS BEING TESTED AT HARVARD MEDICAL SCHOOL.

CONTROL IS BEING TESTED AT HARVARD MEDICAL SCHOOL. PAYING HEED TO THE REPORTS ON

HARVARD MEDICAL SCHOOL. PAYING HEED TO THE REPORTS ON THE ADVERSE EFFECTS OF THE PILL,

PAYING HEED TO THE REPORTS ON THE ADVERSE EFFECTS OF THE PILL, DOCTORS ARE NOW EXPERIMENTING

THE ADVERSE EFFECTS OF THE PILL, DOCTORS ARE NOW EXPERIMENTING WITH A MODIFIED VERSION OF THE

DOCTORS ARE NOW EXPERIMENTING WITH A MODIFIED VERSION OF THE POPULAR RHYTHM METHOD.

WITH A MODIFIED VERSION OF THE POPULAR RHYTHM METHOD. THE NEW PRACTICE, TENTATIVELY

POPULAR RHYTHM METHOD. THE NEW PRACTICE, TENTATIVELY REFERRED TO AS THE

THE NEW PRACTICE, TENTATIVELY REFERRED TO AS THE RHYTHM-AND-BLUES METHOD, IS A

REFERRED TO AS THE RHYTHM-AND-BLUES METHOD, IS A VARIATION WHICH INVOLVES COITUS

RHYTHM-AND-BLUES METHOD, IS A VARIATION WHICH INVOLVES COITUS IN THE PRESENCE OF B.B. KING,

VARIATION WHICH INVOLVES COITUS IN THE PRESENCE OF B.B. KING, OTIS REDDING, WILSON PICKETT,

IN THE PRESENCE OF B.B. KING, OTIS REDDING, WILSON PICKETT, AND JUNIOR WALKER AND THE

OTIS REDDING, WILSON PICKETT, AND JUNIOR WALKER AND THE ALL STARS.

AND JUNIOR WALKER AND THE ALL STARS. WELL, BILLY CARTER HAS BOUGHT A

ALL STARS. WELL, BILLY CARTER HAS BOUGHT A PARTNERSHIP IN A WEEKLY

WELL, BILLY CARTER HAS BOUGHT A PARTNERSHIP IN A WEEKLY NEWSPAPER, THE PLAINS STATESMAN.

PARTNERSHIP IN A WEEKLY NEWSPAPER, THE PLAINS STATESMAN. ACCORDING TO THE ASSOCIATED

NEWSPAPER, THE PLAINS STATESMAN. ACCORDING TO THE ASSOCIATED PRESS, THE AGREEMENT WAS

ACCORDING TO THE ASSOCIATED PRESS, THE AGREEMENT WAS UNPRETENTIOUSLY RECORDED ON A

PRESS, THE AGREEMENT WAS UNPRETENTIOUSLY RECORDED ON A SIMPLE, BROWN PAPER BAG.

UNPRETENTIOUSLY RECORDED ON A SIMPLE, BROWN PAPER BAG. AFTERWARDS, BILLY CELEBRATED THE

SIMPLE, BROWN PAPER BAG. AFTERWARDS, BILLY CELEBRATED THE OCCASION IN TYPICAL FASHION BY

AFTERWARDS, BILLY CELEBRATED THE OCCASION IN TYPICAL FASHION BY DRINKING A KEG OF BEER AND THEN

OCCASION IN TYPICAL FASHION BY DRINKING A KEG OF BEER AND THEN THROWING UP INTO THE AGREEMENT.

DRINKING A KEG OF BEER AND THEN THROWING UP INTO THE AGREEMENT. DRAIN WATER AND TOILET-BOWL

THROWING UP INTO THE AGREEMENT. DRAIN WATER AND TOILET-BOWL WATER, WHICH, UP UNTIL NOW, HAS

DRAIN WATER AND TOILET-BOWL WATER, WHICH, UP UNTIL NOW, HAS SWIRLED CLOCKWISE FOR COUNTRIES

WATER, WHICH, UP UNTIL NOW, HAS SWIRLED CLOCKWISE FOR COUNTRIES LOCATED ABOVE THE EQUATOR, WILL

SWIRLED CLOCKWISE FOR COUNTRIES LOCATED ABOVE THE EQUATOR, WILL NOW SWIRL COUNTERCLOCKWISE.

LOCATED ABOVE THE EQUATOR, WILL NOW SWIRL COUNTERCLOCKWISE. SCIENTISTS EXPLAIN THIS AS A

NOW SWIRL COUNTERCLOCKWISE. SCIENTISTS EXPLAIN THIS AS A RESULT OF THE ACQUISITION OF

SCIENTISTS EXPLAIN THIS AS A RESULT OF THE ACQUISITION OF WESTERN PLUMBING BY MORE OF THE

RESULT OF THE ACQUISITION OF WESTERN PLUMBING BY MORE OF THE UNDERDEVELOPED NATIONS BELOW THE

WESTERN PLUMBING BY MORE OF THE UNDERDEVELOPED NATIONS BELOW THE EQUATOR.

UNDERDEVELOPED NATIONS BELOW THE EQUATOR. THEY ALSO WARN THAT IF THIS

EQUATOR. THEY ALSO WARN THAT IF THIS PHENOMENON ISN'T COMPENSATED FOR

THEY ALSO WARN THAT IF THIS PHENOMENON ISN'T COMPENSATED FOR IN THE SOUTHERN HEMISPHERE, THE

PHENOMENON ISN'T COMPENSATED FOR IN THE SOUTHERN HEMISPHERE, THE EARTH WILL DEVELOP A WOBBLE,

IN THE SOUTHERN HEMISPHERE, THE EARTH WILL DEVELOP A WOBBLE, THROWING MANY PEDESTRIANS AND

EARTH WILL DEVELOP A WOBBLE, THROWING MANY PEDESTRIANS AND CARS INTO BUILDINGS, AND THE

THROWING MANY PEDESTRIANS AND CARS INTO BUILDINGS, AND THE NORTH POLE WILL SLIP DOWN TO

CARS INTO BUILDINGS, AND THE NORTH POLE WILL SLIP DOWN TO ST. LOUIS.

NORTH POLE WILL SLIP DOWN TO ST. LOUIS. [TELEPHONE RINGS]

ST. LOUIS. [TELEPHONE RINGS] UH, AYKROYD.

[TELEPHONE RINGS] UH, AYKROYD. LONG DISTANCE CALLING

UH, AYKROYD. LONG DISTANCE CALLING DAN AYKROYD.

LONG DISTANCE CALLING DAN AYKROYD. IS HE THERE, PLEASE?

DAN AYKROYD. IS HE THERE, PLEASE? YES, GO AHEAD.

IS HE THERE, PLEASE? YES, GO AHEAD. AYKROYD, THERE'S BEEN A...

YES, GO AHEAD. AYKROYD, THERE'S BEEN A... ACCIDENT INVOLVING...

AYKROYD, THERE'S BEEN A... ACCIDENT INVOLVING... MOTHER... VERY ILL...

ACCIDENT INVOLVING... MOTHER... VERY ILL... WHAT?

MOTHER... VERY ILL... WHAT? AN ACCIDENT? MY MOTHER?

WHAT? AN ACCIDENT? MY MOTHER? YOU BETTER COME HERE QUICK.

AN ACCIDENT? MY MOTHER? YOU BETTER COME HERE QUICK. SHE'S ASKING FOR YOU.

YOU BETTER COME HERE QUICK. SHE'S ASKING FOR YOU. OKAY, I'LL BE RIGHT THERE.

SHE'S ASKING FOR YOU. OKAY, I'LL BE RIGHT THERE. I'M GONNA HAVE TO SPLIT.

OKAY, I'LL BE RIGHT THERE. I'M GONNA HAVE TO SPLIT. OH, MY GOD.

I'M GONNA HAVE TO SPLIT. OH, MY GOD. IT'S OKAY.

OH, MY GOD. IT'S OKAY. I REALLY HAVE TO GO.

IT'S OKAY. I REALLY HAVE TO GO. IT'S A FAMILY MATTER.

I REALLY HAVE TO GO. IT'S A FAMILY MATTER. IT'S OKAY.

IT'S A FAMILY MATTER. IT'S OKAY. DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.

IT'S OKAY. DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT. HAVE A CAR WAITING FOR ME!

DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT. HAVE A CAR WAITING FOR ME! I'LL TAKE CARE OF IT, DAN.

HAVE A CAR WAITING FOR ME! I'LL TAKE CARE OF IT, DAN. I'M AWFULLY SORRY IF ANYONE HAS

I'LL TAKE CARE OF IT, DAN. I'M AWFULLY SORRY IF ANYONE HAS ANY TROUBLE IN THEIR FAMILY, BUT

I'M AWFULLY SORRY IF ANYONE HAS ANY TROUBLE IN THEIR FAMILY, BUT THE SHOW MUST GO ON.

ANY TROUBLE IN THEIR FAMILY, BUT THE SHOW MUST GO ON. TRAGEDY STRUCK IN

THE SHOW MUST GO ON. TRAGEDY STRUCK IN FORT LAUDERDALE, FLORIDA, THIS

TRAGEDY STRUCK IN FORT LAUDERDALE, FLORIDA, THIS WEEK WHEN THE ENTIRE NEW YORK

FORT LAUDERDALE, FLORIDA, THIS WEEK WHEN THE ENTIRE NEW YORK YANKEE BALL TEAM WAS FELLED AND

WEEK WHEN THE ENTIRE NEW YORK YANKEE BALL TEAM WAS FELLED AND PARALYZED BY WHAT WAS AT FIRST

YANKEE BALL TEAM WAS FELLED AND PARALYZED BY WHAT WAS AT FIRST BELIEVED TO BE NERVE GAS COMING

PARALYZED BY WHAT WAS AT FIRST BELIEVED TO BE NERVE GAS COMING FROM A NEARBY ARMY RESEARCH

BELIEVED TO BE NERVE GAS COMING FROM A NEARBY ARMY RESEARCH BASE.

FROM A NEARBY ARMY RESEARCH BASE. IT WAS LATER DISCOVERED THAT THE

BASE. IT WAS LATER DISCOVERED THAT THE GAS WAS ACTUALLY THE LATE

IT WAS LATER DISCOVERED THAT THE GAS WAS ACTUALLY THE LATE BABE RUTH'S BREATH, WHICH HAD

GAS WAS ACTUALLY THE LATE BABE RUTH'S BREATH, WHICH HAD BEEN TRAPPED IN A LOCKER FOR

BABE RUTH'S BREATH, WHICH HAD BEEN TRAPPED IN A LOCKER FOR YEARS AND SOMEHOW LEAKED OUT

BEEN TRAPPED IN A LOCKER FOR YEARS AND SOMEHOW LEAKED OUT ONTO THE FIELD.

YEARS AND SOMEHOW LEAKED OUT ONTO THE FIELD. ALL RIGHT!

ONTO THE FIELD. ALL RIGHT! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

ALL RIGHT! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] JUST THOUGHT I'D HELP OUT IN

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] JUST THOUGHT I'D HELP OUT IN A TRAGEDY OF THAT NATURE.

JUST THOUGHT I'D HELP OUT IN A TRAGEDY OF THAT NATURE. UNAWARE THAT THIS PICTURE WAS

A TRAGEDY OF THAT NATURE. UNAWARE THAT THIS PICTURE WAS TAKEN EARLIER THIS MONTH,

UNAWARE THAT THIS PICTURE WAS TAKEN EARLIER THIS MONTH, PRESIDENT CARTER AND FRENCH

TAKEN EARLIER THIS MONTH, PRESIDENT CARTER AND FRENCH PRESIDENT GISCARD d'ESTAING WERE

PRESIDENT CARTER AND FRENCH PRESIDENT GISCARD d'ESTAING WERE DISTURBED BY RUMORS THAT THEY

PRESIDENT GISCARD d'ESTAING WERE DISTURBED BY RUMORS THAT THEY HAD LEAKED DETAILS OF THIS

DISTURBED BY RUMORS THAT THEY HAD LEAKED DETAILS OF THIS MEETING.

HAD LEAKED DETAILS OF THIS MEETING. LATER, THE RUMORS WERE

MEETING. LATER, THE RUMORS WERE ELIMINATED AND THE TWO

LATER, THE RUMORS WERE ELIMINATED AND THE TWO PRESIDENTS GREATLY RELIEVED.

ELIMINATED AND THE TWO PRESIDENTS GREATLY RELIEVED. IN THE WORLD OF HORSE RACING,

PRESIDENTS GREATLY RELIEVED. IN THE WORLD OF HORSE RACING, THERE IS STILL GREAT SPECULATION

IN THE WORLD OF HORSE RACING, THERE IS STILL GREAT SPECULATION AS TO WHETHER OR NOT

THERE IS STILL GREAT SPECULATION AS TO WHETHER OR NOT SEATTLE SLEW WILL RACE AGAIN OR

AS TO WHETHER OR NOT SEATTLE SLEW WILL RACE AGAIN OR JUST BE PUT OUT TO STUD.

SEATTLE SLEW WILL RACE AGAIN OR JUST BE PUT OUT TO STUD. MEADOW MUFFIN FARMS, THE

JUST BE PUT OUT TO STUD. MEADOW MUFFIN FARMS, THE SYNDICATE THAT OWNS

MEADOW MUFFIN FARMS, THE SYNDICATE THAT OWNS SEATTLE SLEW, IS STILL

SYNDICATE THAT OWNS SEATTLE SLEW, IS STILL UNDECIDED.

SEATTLE SLEW, IS STILL UNDECIDED. WHEN ASKED TO COMMENT, THE

UNDECIDED. WHEN ASKED TO COMMENT, THE FORMER TRIPLE CROWN WINNER SAID,

WHEN ASKED TO COMMENT, THE FORMER TRIPLE CROWN WINNER SAID, [As Mister Ed] "YOU MEAN, I

FORMER TRIPLE CROWN WINNER SAID, [As Mister Ed] "YOU MEAN, I HAVE A CHOICE, WILBUR?

[As Mister Ed] "YOU MEAN, I HAVE A CHOICE, WILBUR? I NEED A FILLY!

HAVE A CHOICE, WILBUR? I NEED A FILLY! I'M GOING BLIND FROM USING MY

I NEED A FILLY! I'M GOING BLIND FROM USING MY OWN HOOVES."

I'M GOING BLIND FROM USING MY OWN HOOVES." [Normal voice] THE 11-WEEK

OWN HOOVES." [Normal voice] THE 11-WEEK UNITED MINE WORKERS STRIKE

[Normal voice] THE 11-WEEK UNITED MINE WORKERS STRIKE CONTINUES, AND ITS EFFECT IS

UNITED MINE WORKERS STRIKE CONTINUES, AND ITS EFFECT IS BEING FELT IN LAYOFFS IN THE

CONTINUES, AND ITS EFFECT IS BEING FELT IN LAYOFFS IN THE COAL-DEPENDENT MIDWEST.

BEING FELT IN LAYOFFS IN THE COAL-DEPENDENT MIDWEST. BUT SOME OF THE HARDEST HIT BY

COAL-DEPENDENT MIDWEST. BUT SOME OF THE HARDEST HIT BY THE STRIKE ARE THE MINERS

BUT SOME OF THE HARDEST HIT BY THE STRIKE ARE THE MINERS THEMSELVES.

THE STRIKE ARE THE MINERS THEMSELVES. LARAINE NEWMAN IS IN

THEMSELVES. LARAINE NEWMAN IS IN CAMPBELL CREEK, WEST VIRGINIA,

LARAINE NEWMAN IS IN CAMPBELL CREEK, WEST VIRGINIA, WITH THIS REPORT.

CAMPBELL CREEK, WEST VIRGINIA, WITH THIS REPORT. LARAINE?

WITH THIS REPORT. LARAINE? CHEVY, COAL MINING... A DIRTY

LARAINE? CHEVY, COAL MINING... A DIRTY JOB, A DANGEROUS JOB.

CHEVY, COAL MINING... A DIRTY JOB, A DANGEROUS JOB. EVERY YEAR, SCORES OF MINERS ARE

JOB, A DANGEROUS JOB. EVERY YEAR, SCORES OF MINERS ARE KILLED IN MINING ACCIDENTS.

EVERY YEAR, SCORES OF MINERS ARE KILLED IN MINING ACCIDENTS. THOSE WHO SURVIVE TO WORK LONG

KILLED IN MINING ACCIDENTS. THOSE WHO SURVIVE TO WORK LONG YEARS OFTEN DEVELOP BLACK LUNG

THOSE WHO SURVIVE TO WORK LONG YEARS OFTEN DEVELOP BLACK LUNG DISEASE, AS WELL AS PERMANENTLY

YEARS OFTEN DEVELOP BLACK LUNG DISEASE, AS WELL AS PERMANENTLY DIRTY FINGERNAILS.

DISEASE, AS WELL AS PERMANENTLY DIRTY FINGERNAILS. I'M STANDING WITH RAY FLOYD, WHO

DIRTY FINGERNAILS. I'M STANDING WITH RAY FLOYD, WHO HAS WORKED IN THE MINES FOR OVER

I'M STANDING WITH RAY FLOYD, WHO HAS WORKED IN THE MINES FOR OVER 20 YEARS.

HAS WORKED IN THE MINES FOR OVER 20 YEARS. MR. FLOYD, WHAT'S HOLDING UP A

20 YEARS. MR. FLOYD, WHAT'S HOLDING UP A SETTLEMENT?

MR. FLOYD, WHAT'S HOLDING UP A SETTLEMENT? IS IT SIMPLY A MATTER OF MORE

SETTLEMENT? IS IT SIMPLY A MATTER OF MORE MONEY?

IS IT SIMPLY A MATTER OF MORE MONEY? UH [COUGHS] NO, UH [COUGHS]

MONEY? UH [COUGHS] NO, UH [COUGHS] WE WANT TO KEEP THE RIGHT TO

UH [COUGHS] NO, UH [COUGHS] WE WANT TO KEEP THE RIGHT TO STRIKE SO THAT WE CAN GET, UH

WE WANT TO KEEP THE RIGHT TO STRIKE SO THAT WE CAN GET, UH [COUGHS] UM, A STRICTER

STRIKE SO THAT WE CAN GET, UH [COUGHS] UM, A STRICTER ENFORCEMENT OF THE, UH [COUGHS]

[COUGHS] UM, A STRICTER ENFORCEMENT OF THE, UH [COUGHS] SAFETY REGULATIONS? SAFETY?

ENFORCEMENT OF THE, UH [COUGHS] SAFETY REGULATIONS? SAFETY? [COUGHING]

SAFETY REGULATIONS? SAFETY? [COUGHING] THAT'S RIGHT.

[COUGHING] THAT'S RIGHT. UH, AND, WE WANT THE UNION

THAT'S RIGHT. UH, AND, WE WANT THE UNION HEALTH FUND [COUGHS] TO BE FULLY

UH, AND, WE WANT THE UNION HEALTH FUND [COUGHS] TO BE FULLY REINSTATED AND GUARANTEED...

HEALTH FUND [COUGHS] TO BE FULLY REINSTATED AND GUARANTEED... [COUGHS]

REINSTATED AND GUARANTEED... [COUGHS] BY THE... BY THE, UH [COUGHS]

[COUGHS] BY THE... BY THE, UH [COUGHS] THE, UH, UNION LEADERSHIP?

BY THE... BY THE, UH [COUGHS] THE, UH, UNION LEADERSHIP? UH, FEDERAL GOVERNMENT?

THE, UH, UNION LEADERSHIP? UH, FEDERAL GOVERNMENT? [COUGHS]

UH, FEDERAL GOVERNMENT? [COUGHS] OH.

[COUGHS] OH. HOW ABOUT THE COAL COMPANIES?

OH. HOW ABOUT THE COAL COMPANIES? OH, OKAY.

HOW ABOUT THE COAL COMPANIES? OH, OKAY. WELL, THANK YOU, MR. FLOYD.

OH, OKAY. WELL, THANK YOU, MR. FLOYD. NOW BACK TO OUR STUDIO.

WELL, THANK YOU, MR. FLOYD. NOW BACK TO OUR STUDIO. GEORGE ANDERSON OF THE

NOW BACK TO OUR STUDIO. GEORGE ANDERSON OF THE TORONTO INSTITUTE FOR ANIMAL

GEORGE ANDERSON OF THE TORONTO INSTITUTE FOR ANIMAL GENETICS HAS SUCCEEDED IN

TORONTO INSTITUTE FOR ANIMAL GENETICS HAS SUCCEEDED IN BREEDING A DOG WITH A

GENETICS HAS SUCCEEDED IN BREEDING A DOG WITH A WASTEBASKET FOR A HEAD.

BREEDING A DOG WITH A WASTEBASKET FOR A HEAD. ANDERSON SAID HE IS NOW WORKING

WASTEBASKET FOR A HEAD. ANDERSON SAID HE IS NOW WORKING ON A CAT SHAPED LIKE A WAD OF

ANDERSON SAID HE IS NOW WORKING ON A CAT SHAPED LIKE A WAD OF PAPER AND HOPES TO MARKET THE

ON A CAT SHAPED LIKE A WAD OF PAPER AND HOPES TO MARKET THE PAIR AS AN INEXPENSIVE PARLOR

PAPER AND HOPES TO MARKET THE PAIR AS AN INEXPENSIVE PARLOR GAME.

PAIR AS AN INEXPENSIVE PARLOR GAME. WELL, BURT LANCE.

GAME. WELL, BURT LANCE. THE FBI/CIA SOFTBALL GAME...

WELL, BURT LANCE. THE FBI/CIA SOFTBALL GAME... [TELEPHONE RINGS]

THE FBI/CIA SOFTBALL GAME... [TELEPHONE RINGS] EXCUSE ME.

[TELEPHONE RINGS] EXCUSE ME. HELLO.

EXCUSE ME. HELLO. MS. CURTIN.

HELLO. MS. CURTIN. LONG DISTANCE CALLING.

MS. CURTIN. LONG DISTANCE CALLING. YES, THIS IS MS. CURTIN.

LONG DISTANCE CALLING. YES, THIS IS MS. CURTIN. HORRIBLE ACCIDENT INVOLVING

YES, THIS IS MS. CURTIN. HORRIBLE ACCIDENT INVOLVING YOUR MOTHER IN NEW YORK STATE.

HORRIBLE ACCIDENT INVOLVING YOUR MOTHER IN NEW YORK STATE. POLICE.

YOUR MOTHER IN NEW YORK STATE. POLICE. IT'S FOR YOU.

POLICE. IT'S FOR YOU. NICE TRY, SPARKY.

IT'S FOR YOU. NICE TRY, SPARKY. WELL, FATHER TIME FINALLY CAUGHT

NICE TRY, SPARKY. WELL, FATHER TIME FINALLY CAUGHT UP WITH A TIRED, 68-YEAR-OLD

WELL, FATHER TIME FINALLY CAUGHT UP WITH A TIRED, 68-YEAR-OLD MUHAMMAD ALI LAST WEEK, WHO LOST

UP WITH A TIRED, 68-YEAR-OLD MUHAMMAD ALI LAST WEEK, WHO LOST A SPLIT DECISION TO LEON SPINKS,

MUHAMMAD ALI LAST WEEK, WHO LOST A SPLIT DECISION TO LEON SPINKS, ONE OF THE UGLIEST HEAVYWEIGHT

A SPLIT DECISION TO LEON SPINKS, ONE OF THE UGLIEST HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPS TO COME ALONG IN QUITE A

ONE OF THE UGLIEST HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPS TO COME ALONG IN QUITE A WHILE.

CHAMPS TO COME ALONG IN QUITE A WHILE. AFTER THE FIGHT ON WEDNESDAY,

WHILE. AFTER THE FIGHT ON WEDNESDAY, SPINKS ANNOUNCED THAT HE WAS A

AFTER THE FIGHT ON WEDNESDAY, SPINKS ANNOUNCED THAT HE WAS A MEMBER OF THE BLACK MUSLIMS WHO

SPINKS ANNOUNCED THAT HE WAS A MEMBER OF THE BLACK MUSLIMS WHO NO LONGER WANTS TO BE CALLED BY

MEMBER OF THE BLACK MUSLIMS WHO NO LONGER WANTS TO BE CALLED BY HIS SLAVE NAME OF LEON SPINKS

NO LONGER WANTS TO BE CALLED BY HIS SLAVE NAME OF LEON SPINKS AND, INSTEAD, HAS ADOPTED HIS

HIS SLAVE NAME OF LEON SPINKS AND, INSTEAD, HAS ADOPTED HIS ISLAMIC NAME OF SCARLETT O'HARA.

AND, INSTEAD, HAS ADOPTED HIS ISLAMIC NAME OF SCARLETT O'HARA. NOW TO GIVE US HIS VIEW ON THE

ISLAMIC NAME OF SCARLETT O'HARA. NOW TO GIVE US HIS VIEW ON THE TITLE FIGHT AND A CLOSE LOOK AT

NOW TO GIVE US HIS VIEW ON THE TITLE FIGHT AND A CLOSE LOOK AT THE CAREER OF MUHAMMAD ALI IS

TITLE FIGHT AND A CLOSE LOOK AT THE CAREER OF MUHAMMAD ALI IS CORRESPONDENT JOHN BELUSHI.

THE CAREER OF MUHAMMAD ALI IS CORRESPONDENT JOHN BELUSHI. JOHN.

CORRESPONDENT JOHN BELUSHI. JOHN. THANK YOU, JANE.

JOHN. THANK YOU, JANE. WHEN THE YOUNG LIGHT HEAVYWEIGHT

THANK YOU, JANE. WHEN THE YOUNG LIGHT HEAVYWEIGHT CASSIUS CLAY WON THE GOLD MEDAL

WHEN THE YOUNG LIGHT HEAVYWEIGHT CASSIUS CLAY WON THE GOLD MEDAL IN ROME, IT WAS A SPRINGBOARD

CASSIUS CLAY WON THE GOLD MEDAL IN ROME, IT WAS A SPRINGBOARD FOR A CAREER THAT INCLUDED 57

IN ROME, IT WAS A SPRINGBOARD FOR A CAREER THAT INCLUDED 57 FIGHTS WITH ONLY 3 LOSSES.

FOR A CAREER THAT INCLUDED 57 FIGHTS WITH ONLY 3 LOSSES. THIS WEEK, ALI LOST FOR THE

FIGHTS WITH ONLY 3 LOSSES. THIS WEEK, ALI LOST FOR THE THIRD TIME IN HIS CAREER.

THIS WEEK, ALI LOST FOR THE THIRD TIME IN HIS CAREER. IN A 15-ROUND SPLIT DECISION,

THIRD TIME IN HIS CAREER. IN A 15-ROUND SPLIT DECISION, MUHAMMAD ALI LOST THE

IN A 15-ROUND SPLIT DECISION, MUHAMMAD ALI LOST THE HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP TO

MUHAMMAD ALI LOST THE HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP TO LEON SPINKS.

HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP TO LEON SPINKS. IT WAS A BRUTAL FIGHT.

LEON SPINKS. IT WAS A BRUTAL FIGHT. BY THE END, ALI HAD NO JABS.

IT WAS A BRUTAL FIGHT. BY THE END, ALI HAD NO JABS. AND, LET'S FACE IT, SPINKS WAS

BY THE END, ALI HAD NO JABS. AND, LET'S FACE IT, SPINKS WAS DAMN LUCKY, LUCKIER THAN

AND, LET'S FACE IT, SPINKS WAS DAMN LUCKY, LUCKIER THAN NORTON, SHAVERS, AND

DAMN LUCKY, LUCKIER THAN NORTON, SHAVERS, AND JIMMY YOUNG, WHO ALL GAVE HIM A

NORTON, SHAVERS, AND JIMMY YOUNG, WHO ALL GAVE HIM A GOOD FIGHT.

JIMMY YOUNG, WHO ALL GAVE HIM A GOOD FIGHT. BUT IF YOU'RE GONNA BEAT THE

GOOD FIGHT. BUT IF YOU'RE GONNA BEAT THE CHAMPION, YOU SHOULD BEAT HIM.

BUT IF YOU'RE GONNA BEAT THE CHAMPION, YOU SHOULD BEAT HIM. YOU SHOULD KNOCK HIM OUT.

CHAMPION, YOU SHOULD BEAT HIM. YOU SHOULD KNOCK HIM OUT. YOU SHOULD BEAT HIM UP.

YOU SHOULD KNOCK HIM OUT. YOU SHOULD BEAT HIM UP. IT'S WHAT YOU SHOULD DO.

YOU SHOULD BEAT HIM UP. IT'S WHAT YOU SHOULD DO. SO, I THINK HE SHOULD BE...

IT'S WHAT YOU SHOULD DO. SO, I THINK HE SHOULD BE... THEY'LL PROBABLY FIGHT VERY

SO, I THINK HE SHOULD BE... THEY'LL PROBABLY FIGHT VERY SOON.

THEY'LL PROBABLY FIGHT VERY SOON. WHEN I THINK BACK, BACK TO

SOON. WHEN I THINK BACK, BACK TO "THE THRILLA IN MANILA," THE

WHEN I THINK BACK, BACK TO "THE THRILLA IN MANILA," THE ZAIRE FIGHT, WHICH I SAW IN A

"THE THRILLA IN MANILA," THE ZAIRE FIGHT, WHICH I SAW IN A BIG SCREEN.

ZAIRE FIGHT, WHICH I SAW IN A BIG SCREEN. IT WAS THE MANHATTAN CENTER,

BIG SCREEN. IT WAS THE MANHATTAN CENTER, DOWNTOWN ACROSS FROM THE GARDEN.

IT WAS THE MANHATTAN CENTER, DOWNTOWN ACROSS FROM THE GARDEN. YOU WOULDN'T BELIEVE IT.

DOWNTOWN ACROSS FROM THE GARDEN. YOU WOULDN'T BELIEVE IT. IT WAS A HUGE SCREEN.

YOU WOULDN'T BELIEVE IT. IT WAS A HUGE SCREEN. WE HAD TO BE LET IN THE BACK

IT WAS A HUGE SCREEN. WE HAD TO BE LET IN THE BACK DOOR.

WE HAD TO BE LET IN THE BACK DOOR. I WAS WITH BRIAN DOYLE-MURRAY,

DOOR. I WAS WITH BRIAN DOYLE-MURRAY, BILL'S BROTHER.

I WAS WITH BRIAN DOYLE-MURRAY, BILL'S BROTHER. THERE WAS THIS BLACK GANG

BILL'S BROTHER. THERE WAS THIS BLACK GANG TERRORIZING THE PLACE.

THERE WAS THIS BLACK GANG TERRORIZING THE PLACE. THEY OPENED THE DOOR... WE GOT

TERRORIZING THE PLACE. THEY OPENED THE DOOR... WE GOT IN, YOU KNOW?

THEY OPENED THE DOOR... WE GOT IN, YOU KNOW? AND THEN IN THE THEATER,

IN, YOU KNOW? AND THEN IN THE THEATER, EVERYBODY STARTED SCREAMING AND

AND THEN IN THE THEATER, EVERYBODY STARTED SCREAMING AND YELLING, YOU KNOW, THROWING

EVERYBODY STARTED SCREAMING AND YELLING, YOU KNOW, THROWING CHAIRS BECAUSE ALL OF A SUDDEN,

YELLING, YOU KNOW, THROWING CHAIRS BECAUSE ALL OF A SUDDEN, THERE WAS NO PICTURE!

CHAIRS BECAUSE ALL OF A SUDDEN, THERE WAS NO PICTURE! THERE WAS NO PICTURE.

THERE WAS NO PICTURE! THERE WAS NO PICTURE. AND I COULD HAVE BEEN HURT.

THERE WAS NO PICTURE. AND I COULD HAVE BEEN HURT. I MEAN, I'VE BEEN IN A FEW

AND I COULD HAVE BEEN HURT. I MEAN, I'VE BEEN IN A FEW FIGHTS IN MY LIFE.

I MEAN, I'VE BEEN IN A FEW FIGHTS IN MY LIFE. I WAS IN A BAR ONE TIME, AND,

FIGHTS IN MY LIFE. I WAS IN A BAR ONE TIME, AND, UH, I WAS JUST DRINKING.

I WAS IN A BAR ONE TIME, AND, UH, I WAS JUST DRINKING. AND, UH, THIS GUY COMES UP TO

UH, I WAS JUST DRINKING. AND, UH, THIS GUY COMES UP TO ME, TAPS ME ON THE SHOULDER.

AND, UH, THIS GUY COMES UP TO ME, TAPS ME ON THE SHOULDER. HE SAYS, "JOHN, SOMEBODY'S OUT

ME, TAPS ME ON THE SHOULDER. HE SAYS, "JOHN, SOMEBODY'S OUT THERE BEATING UP YOUR ROOMMATE."

HE SAYS, "JOHN, SOMEBODY'S OUT THERE BEATING UP YOUR ROOMMATE." SO, I SAY "OH, GREAT."

THERE BEATING UP YOUR ROOMMATE." SO, I SAY "OH, GREAT." SO, I GO OUTSIDE, YOU KNOW, AND

SO, I SAY "OH, GREAT." SO, I GO OUTSIDE, YOU KNOW, AND THERE'S MY ROOMMATE, THERE'S

SO, I GO OUTSIDE, YOU KNOW, AND THERE'S MY ROOMMATE, THERE'S STEVE BUSCHEKAS OUT THERE WITH A

THERE'S MY ROOMMATE, THERE'S STEVE BUSCHEKAS OUT THERE WITH A BIG BLACK EYE, OKAY?

STEVE BUSCHEKAS OUT THERE WITH A BIG BLACK EYE, OKAY? AND TWO OF MY OTHER FRIENDS...

BIG BLACK EYE, OKAY? AND TWO OF MY OTHER FRIENDS... TINO AND JIM... WERE OUT THERE.

AND TWO OF MY OTHER FRIENDS... TINO AND JIM... WERE OUT THERE. THEY'RE HOLDING THEIR NOSES.

TINO AND JIM... WERE OUT THERE. THEY'RE HOLDING THEIR NOSES. BLOOD'S COMING OUT OF THEIR

THEY'RE HOLDING THEIR NOSES. BLOOD'S COMING OUT OF THEIR NOSES.

BLOOD'S COMING OUT OF THEIR NOSES. I TURN AROUND AND I LOOK, AND

NOSES. I TURN AROUND AND I LOOK, AND THERE'S THE BIGGEST GUY I'VE

I TURN AROUND AND I LOOK, AND THERE'S THE BIGGEST GUY I'VE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE, YOU KNOW?

THERE'S THE BIGGEST GUY I'VE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE, YOU KNOW? AND HE'S STANDING THERE LIKE

EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE, YOU KNOW? AND HE'S STANDING THERE LIKE THIS, YOU KNOW?

AND HE'S STANDING THERE LIKE THIS, YOU KNOW? SO, I SAY, "HEY, WHAT'S GOING

THIS, YOU KNOW? SO, I SAY, "HEY, WHAT'S GOING ON?"

SO, I SAY, "HEY, WHAT'S GOING ON?" I'M A LITTLE DRUNK, OKAY?

ON?" I'M A LITTLE DRUNK, OKAY? AND HE SAYS, "WHAT'S IT TO YOU?"

I'M A LITTLE DRUNK, OKAY? AND HE SAYS, "WHAT'S IT TO YOU?" WELL, I SAID... IT TURNS OUT, IT

AND HE SAYS, "WHAT'S IT TO YOU?" WELL, I SAID... IT TURNS OUT, IT WAS A FIGHT OVER SOME GIRL'S

WELL, I SAID... IT TURNS OUT, IT WAS A FIGHT OVER SOME GIRL'S PURSE OR SOMETHING.

WAS A FIGHT OVER SOME GIRL'S PURSE OR SOMETHING. IT'S ALWAYS ABOUT SOME GIRL.

PURSE OR SOMETHING. IT'S ALWAYS ABOUT SOME GIRL. SO, I SAID, LOOK... WAIT A

IT'S ALWAYS ABOUT SOME GIRL. SO, I SAID, LOOK... WAIT A MINUTE.

SO, I SAID, LOOK... WAIT A MINUTE. SO, I SAID, "HEY, MAN, WHAT, DO

MINUTE. SO, I SAID, "HEY, MAN, WHAT, DO YOU THINK YOU'RE REAL TOUGH OR

SO, I SAID, "HEY, MAN, WHAT, DO YOU THINK YOU'RE REAL TOUGH OR SOMETHING, HUH?

YOU THINK YOU'RE REAL TOUGH OR SOMETHING, HUH? YOU THINK YOU'RE TOUGH?!

SOMETHING, HUH? YOU THINK YOU'RE TOUGH?! COME ON, MAN!"

YOU THINK YOU'RE TOUGH?! COME ON, MAN!" AND HE BEAT ME BLOODY TILL MY

COME ON, MAN!" AND HE BEAT ME BLOODY TILL MY EARS WERE JUST BLEEDING LIKE

AND HE BEAT ME BLOODY TILL MY EARS WERE JUST BLEEDING LIKE THAT.

EARS WERE JUST BLEEDING LIKE THAT. I COULD HAVE STAYED IN THE BAR,

THAT. I COULD HAVE STAYED IN THE BAR, BUT, NO, I HAD TO COME OUT AND

I COULD HAVE STAYED IN THE BAR, BUT, NO, I HAD TO COME OUT AND HELP STEVE, MY FRIEND.

BUT, NO, I HAD TO COME OUT AND HELP STEVE, MY FRIEND. HE SMASHED ME. HE HIT ME.

HELP STEVE, MY FRIEND. HE SMASHED ME. HE HIT ME. HE PUNCHED ME!

HE SMASHED ME. HE HIT ME. HE PUNCHED ME! HE MADE MY FACE FEEL LIKE A

HE PUNCHED ME! HE MADE MY FACE FEEL LIKE A BEANBAG.

HE MADE MY FACE FEEL LIKE A BEANBAG. SHAKE IT... YOU CAN HEAR IT

BEANBAG. SHAKE IT... YOU CAN HEAR IT RATTLE.

SHAKE IT... YOU CAN HEAR IT RATTLE. BUT I THINK ALI WILL COME BACK.

RATTLE. BUT I THINK ALI WILL COME BACK. I DON'T THINK 36 IS TOO OLD.

BUT I THINK ALI WILL COME BACK. I DON'T THINK 36 IS TOO OLD. YOU KNOW, ALI COULD LOSE 20

I DON'T THINK 36 IS TOO OLD. YOU KNOW, ALI COULD LOSE 20 POUNDS.

YOU KNOW, ALI COULD LOSE 20 POUNDS. 20 POUNDS, GET DOWN TO 204, YOU

POUNDS. 20 POUNDS, GET DOWN TO 204, YOU KNOW, THE WEIGHT HE WAS WHEN HE

20 POUNDS, GET DOWN TO 204, YOU KNOW, THE WEIGHT HE WAS WHEN HE FOUGHT LISTON.

KNOW, THE WEIGHT HE WAS WHEN HE FOUGHT LISTON. YOU KNOW, HE COULD DO IT.

FOUGHT LISTON. YOU KNOW, HE COULD DO IT. WEIGHT LOSS IS JUST A MATTER OF

YOU KNOW, HE COULD DO IT. WEIGHT LOSS IS JUST A MATTER OF SELF-DISCIPLINE, DOING SOME

WEIGHT LOSS IS JUST A MATTER OF SELF-DISCIPLINE, DOING SOME RUNNING, SOME WORKING OUT.

SELF-DISCIPLINE, DOING SOME RUNNING, SOME WORKING OUT. IF I HAD LOST 20 POUNDS, I MIGHT

RUNNING, SOME WORKING OUT. IF I HAD LOST 20 POUNDS, I MIGHT HAVE TAKEN THAT GUY IN THE BAR.

IF I HAD LOST 20 POUNDS, I MIGHT HAVE TAKEN THAT GUY IN THE BAR. WHO KNOWS, YOU KNOW?

HAVE TAKEN THAT GUY IN THE BAR. WHO KNOWS, YOU KNOW? BUT YOU GOT TO BE ABLE TO DEFEND

WHO KNOWS, YOU KNOW? BUT YOU GOT TO BE ABLE TO DEFEND YOURSELF!

BUT YOU GOT TO BE ABLE TO DEFEND YOURSELF! EVERYBODY SHOULD BE ABLE TO

YOURSELF! EVERYBODY SHOULD BE ABLE TO DEFEND THEMSELVES, EVEN WOMEN.

EVERYBODY SHOULD BE ABLE TO DEFEND THEMSELVES, EVEN WOMEN. ESPECIALLY YOU WOMEN HAVE TO BE

DEFEND THEMSELVES, EVEN WOMEN. ESPECIALLY YOU WOMEN HAVE TO BE ABLE TO DEFEND YOURSELF, YOU

ESPECIALLY YOU WOMEN HAVE TO BE ABLE TO DEFEND YOURSELF, YOU KNOW, WITH KARATE OR KEYS IN THE

ABLE TO DEFEND YOURSELF, YOU KNOW, WITH KARATE OR KEYS IN THE FIST OR WHATEVER YOU WANT.

KNOW, WITH KARATE OR KEYS IN THE FIST OR WHATEVER YOU WANT. CAN YOU DEFEND YOURSELF, JANE?

FIST OR WHATEVER YOU WANT. CAN YOU DEFEND YOURSELF, JANE? I DON'T...

CAN YOU DEFEND YOURSELF, JANE? I DON'T... LET'S JUST SEE.

I DON'T... LET'S JUST SEE. THIS IS FOR YOUR OWN PROTECTION.

LET'S JUST SEE. THIS IS FOR YOUR OWN PROTECTION. ALL RIGHT, NOW, SOMEBODY COMES

THIS IS FOR YOUR OWN PROTECTION. ALL RIGHT, NOW, SOMEBODY COMES UP TO YOU ON THE STREET.

ALL RIGHT, NOW, SOMEBODY COMES UP TO YOU ON THE STREET. YOU'RE KIND OF WALKING.

UP TO YOU ON THE STREET. YOU'RE KIND OF WALKING. YOU'RE KIND OF COOL.

YOU'RE KIND OF WALKING. YOU'RE KIND OF COOL. SO, THIS GUY COMES UP TO YOU AND

YOU'RE KIND OF COOL. SO, THIS GUY COMES UP TO YOU AND SAYS, "HEY, BABY."

SO, THIS GUY COMES UP TO YOU AND SAYS, "HEY, BABY." COME ON, HIT ME.

SAYS, "HEY, BABY." COME ON, HIT ME. I DON'T WANT TO HIT YOU.

COME ON, HIT ME. I DON'T WANT TO HIT YOU. COME ON, JANE.

I DON'T WANT TO HIT YOU. COME ON, JANE. I DON'T LIKE TO HIT PEOPLE.

COME ON, JANE. I DON'T LIKE TO HIT PEOPLE. RIGHT THERE.

I DON'T LIKE TO HIT PEOPLE. RIGHT THERE. I DON'T LIKE TO.

RIGHT THERE. I DON'T LIKE TO. HUH? HUH?

I DON'T LIKE TO. HUH? HUH? AAH!

HUH? HUH? AAH! COME ON, JANE! COME ON!

AAH! COME ON, JANE! COME ON! OKAY, IT'S ALL YOURS, CHEVY.

WELL, THE WINTER SITUATION IN NEW YORK, THE GREAT LAKES AREA, OHIO, PENNSYLVANIA, AND THE

NEW YORK, THE GREAT LAKES AREA, OHIO, PENNSYLVANIA, AND THE NEW ENGLAND STATES.

OHIO, PENNSYLVANIA, AND THE NEW ENGLAND STATES. CHEDDAR?

NEW ENGLAND STATES. CHEDDAR? CHEDDAR CHEESE?

CHEDDAR? CHEDDAR CHEESE? CHEDDAR, I'VE MISSED YOU.

CHEDDAR CHEESE? CHEDDAR, I'VE MISSED YOU. HOW ARE YOU, EMILY?

CHEDDAR, I'VE MISSED YOU. HOW ARE YOU, EMILY? OH, KISS ME ON THE LIPS.

HOW ARE YOU, EMILY? OH, KISS ME ON THE LIPS. OH, CHEDDAR, I'VE MISSED YOU SO

OH, KISS ME ON THE LIPS. OH, CHEDDAR, I'VE MISSED YOU SO MUCH.

OH, CHEDDAR, I'VE MISSED YOU SO MUCH. YOU'VE BEEN OKAY, EMILY?

MUCH. YOU'VE BEEN OKAY, EMILY? OH, YES. YES.

YOU'VE BEEN OKAY, EMILY? OH, YES. YES. BUT, YOU KNOW, I'M FINE, BUT I

OH, YES. YES. BUT, YOU KNOW, I'M FINE, BUT I HAVEN'T BEEN ABLE TO GET MUCH

BUT, YOU KNOW, I'M FINE, BUT I HAVEN'T BEEN ABLE TO GET MUCH WORK LATELY.

HAVEN'T BEEN ABLE TO GET MUCH WORK LATELY. WHY NOT, EMILY?

WORK LATELY. WHY NOT, EMILY? WHAT'S THE MATTER?

WHY NOT, EMILY? WHAT'S THE MATTER? WELL, MISS CLAYTON DOESN'T

WHAT'S THE MATTER? WELL, MISS CLAYTON DOESN'T LIKE ME ON THE NEWS.

WELL, MISS CLAYTON DOESN'T LIKE ME ON THE NEWS. SHE SAYS I'M IRRESPONSIBLE, AND

LIKE ME ON THE NEWS. SHE SAYS I'M IRRESPONSIBLE, AND SHE KEEPS YELLING AT ME WHENEVER

SHE SAYS I'M IRRESPONSIBLE, AND SHE KEEPS YELLING AT ME WHENEVER I MAKE A LITTLE, TEENY-TINY,

SHE KEEPS YELLING AT ME WHENEVER I MAKE A LITTLE, TEENY-TINY, LITTLE MISTAKE.

I MAKE A LITTLE, TEENY-TINY, LITTLE MISTAKE. OH, I CANNOT BELIEVE THAT

LITTLE MISTAKE. OH, I CANNOT BELIEVE THAT JANE CLAYTON'S LIKE THAT.

OH, I CANNOT BELIEVE THAT JANE CLAYTON'S LIKE THAT. OH, WELL, DON'T BE FOOLED BY

JANE CLAYTON'S LIKE THAT. OH, WELL, DON'T BE FOOLED BY HER, CHEDDAR.

OH, WELL, DON'T BE FOOLED BY HER, CHEDDAR. I MEAN, THAT GIRL IS MUSSOLINI

HER, CHEDDAR. I MEAN, THAT GIRL IS MUSSOLINI IN DRAG!

I MEAN, THAT GIRL IS MUSSOLINI IN DRAG! REALLY, SHE GETS ME SO RILED.

IN DRAG! REALLY, SHE GETS ME SO RILED. I GET SO UPSET.

REALLY, SHE GETS ME SO RILED. I GET SO UPSET. I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.

I GET SO UPSET. I CAN'T BELIEVE IT. WHOA.

I CAN'T BELIEVE IT. WHOA. YOU.

WHOA. YOU. FIRST I GET SLUGGED BY BELUSHI.

YOU. FIRST I GET SLUGGED BY BELUSHI. NOW I GOT TO DEAL WITH YOU!

FIRST I GET SLUGGED BY BELUSHI. NOW I GOT TO DEAL WITH YOU! JUST GET OUT OF HERE, WILL YOU?

NOW I GOT TO DEAL WITH YOU! JUST GET OUT OF HERE, WILL YOU? COME ON.

JUST GET OUT OF HERE, WILL YOU? COME ON. [LAUGHING]

COME ON. [LAUGHING] OH, EXCUSE ME.

[LAUGHING] OH, EXCUSE ME. I SAID SCRAM. BEAT IT.

OH, EXCUSE ME. I SAID SCRAM. BEAT IT. GET OUT OF HERE!

I SAID SCRAM. BEAT IT. GET OUT OF HERE! OH, MISS CLAYTON.

GET OUT OF HERE! OH, MISS CLAYTON. WHAT'S SO FUNNY?

OH, MISS CLAYTON. WHAT'S SO FUNNY? MISS CLAYTON, YOU LOOK LIKE

WHAT'S SO FUNNY? MISS CLAYTON, YOU LOOK LIKE HELL.

MISS CLAYTON, YOU LOOK LIKE HELL. THAT'S NOT FUNNY.

HELL. THAT'S NOT FUNNY. WELL, UH, I TOLD YOU SHE

THAT'S NOT FUNNY. WELL, UH, I TOLD YOU SHE COULDN'T TAKE A JOKE.

WELL, UH, I TOLD YOU SHE COULDN'T TAKE A JOKE. TAKE IT EASY, JANE.

COULDN'T TAKE A JOKE. TAKE IT EASY, JANE. DON'T BE SO ROUGH ON HER.

TAKE IT EASY, JANE. DON'T BE SO ROUGH ON HER. DON'T TELL ME HOW TO ACT,

DON'T BE SO ROUGH ON HER. DON'T TELL ME HOW TO ACT, DAMN IT.

DON'T TELL ME HOW TO ACT, DAMN IT. THIS IS MY NEWS SHOW NOW!

DAMN IT. THIS IS MY NEWS SHOW NOW! I'M THE STAR OF IT.

THIS IS MY NEWS SHOW NOW! I'M THE STAR OF IT. YOU LEFT.

I'M THE STAR OF IT. YOU LEFT. I TOOK OVER AND BROUGHT SOME

YOU LEFT. I TOOK OVER AND BROUGHT SOME INTEGRITY TO IT, NONE OF YOUR

I TOOK OVER AND BROUGHT SOME INTEGRITY TO IT, NONE OF YOUR SCHOOLBOY CUTENESS MUGGING INTO

INTEGRITY TO IT, NONE OF YOUR SCHOOLBOY CUTENESS MUGGING INTO THE CAMERA, TALKING LIKE

SCHOOLBOY CUTENESS MUGGING INTO THE CAMERA, TALKING LIKE MISTER ED, DAMN IT, MAKING AN

THE CAMERA, TALKING LIKE MISTER ED, DAMN IT, MAKING AN ASS OF YOURSELF.

MISTER ED, DAMN IT, MAKING AN ASS OF YOURSELF. I'VE GIVEN THIS SHOW

ASS OF YOURSELF. I'VE GIVEN THIS SHOW CREDIBILITY.

I'VE GIVEN THIS SHOW CREDIBILITY. I'VE GIVEN IT STRAIGHTFORWARD,

CREDIBILITY. I'VE GIVEN IT STRAIGHTFORWARD, INFORMATIVE NEWS.

I'VE GIVEN IT STRAIGHTFORWARD, INFORMATIVE NEWS. BUT, MISS CLAYTON...

INFORMATIVE NEWS. BUT, MISS CLAYTON... SHUT UP, YOU FEEB.

BUT, MISS CLAYTON... SHUT UP, YOU FEEB. SO, WHAT DO YOU DO?

SHUT UP, YOU FEEB. SO, WHAT DO YOU DO? YOU COME BACK, YOU GIVE DANNY

SO, WHAT DO YOU DO? YOU COME BACK, YOU GIVE DANNY SOME STORY ABOUT HIS MOTHER

YOU COME BACK, YOU GIVE DANNY SOME STORY ABOUT HIS MOTHER DYING, TRY TO PULL THE SAME

SOME STORY ABOUT HIS MOTHER DYING, TRY TO PULL THE SAME THING ON ME, JUST TO TAKE OVER

DYING, TRY TO PULL THE SAME THING ON ME, JUST TO TAKE OVER SO YOU CAN SATISFY YOUR INFLATED

THING ON ME, JUST TO TAKE OVER SO YOU CAN SATISFY YOUR INFLATED EGO.

SO YOU CAN SATISFY YOUR INFLATED EGO. GO BACK TO HOLLYWOOD AND DO IT

EGO. GO BACK TO HOLLYWOOD AND DO IT 'CAUSE IT WON'T WORK HERE.

GO BACK TO HOLLYWOOD AND DO IT 'CAUSE IT WON'T WORK HERE. THIS IS MY SHOW, AND I WON'T BE

'CAUSE IT WON'T WORK HERE. THIS IS MY SHOW, AND I WON'T BE PUSHED AROUND BY BELUSHI OR YOU

THIS IS MY SHOW, AND I WON'T BE PUSHED AROUND BY BELUSHI OR YOU OR HER!

PUSHED AROUND BY BELUSHI OR YOU OR HER! AM I MAKING MYSELF CLEAR?

OR HER! AM I MAKING MYSELF CLEAR? CRYSTAL CLEAR, MISS CURTIN.

AM I MAKING MYSELF CLEAR? CRYSTAL CLEAR, MISS CURTIN. WE'RE SORRY.

CRYSTAL CLEAR, MISS CURTIN. WE'RE SORRY. WE ARE SORRY, JANE.

WE'RE SORRY. WE ARE SORRY, JANE. I DIDN'T MEAN TO AGGRAVATE YOU

WE ARE SORRY, JANE. I DIDN'T MEAN TO AGGRAVATE YOU LIKE THIS.

I DIDN'T MEAN TO AGGRAVATE YOU LIKE THIS. I GUESS I JUST WANTED TO DO

LIKE THIS. I GUESS I JUST WANTED TO DO "UPDATE" ONE LAST TIME, AND I'M

I GUESS I JUST WANTED TO DO "UPDATE" ONE LAST TIME, AND I'M SORRY.

"UPDATE" ONE LAST TIME, AND I'M SORRY. I GOT CARRIED AWAY.

SORRY. I GOT CARRIED AWAY. I'M SORRY.

I GOT CARRIED AWAY. I'M SORRY. IT WON'T HAPPEN AGAIN.

I'M SORRY. IT WON'T HAPPEN AGAIN. WELL, SEE THAT IT DOESN'T.

IT WON'T HAPPEN AGAIN. WELL, SEE THAT IT DOESN'T. ON YOUR MARK, GET SET, GO.

WELL, SEE THAT IT DOESN'T. ON YOUR MARK, GET SET, GO. Both: BITCH.

ON YOUR MARK, GET SET, GO. Both: BITCH. THANK YOU, CHEVY, VERY MUCH.

Both: BITCH. THANK YOU, CHEVY, VERY MUCH. BYE.

THANK YOU, CHEVY, VERY MUCH. BYE. GOODBYE.

BYE. GOODBYE. AND NOW, AS A PUBLIC SERVICE TO

GOODBYE. AND NOW, AS A PUBLIC SERVICE TO THOSE OF OUR VIEWERS WHO MAY BE,

AND NOW, AS A PUBLIC SERVICE TO THOSE OF OUR VIEWERS WHO MAY BE, OH, HARD OF HEARING, I'LL

THOSE OF OUR VIEWERS WHO MAY BE, OH, HARD OF HEARING, I'LL REPE-PE-PE PITIKIPACA.

OH, HARD OF HEARING, I'LL REPE-PE-PE PITIKIPACA. I WILL REPEAT THE TOP STORY OF

REPE-PE-PE PITIKIPACA. I WILL REPEAT THE TOP STORY OF THE DAY, AIDED BY THE ASSISTANT

I WILL REPEAT THE TOP STORY OF THE DAY, AIDED BY THE ASSISTANT HEAD MASTER FOR THE NEW YORK

THE DAY, AIDED BY THE ASSISTANT HEAD MASTER FOR THE NEW YORK SCHOOL FOR THE HARD OF HEARING,

HEAD MASTER FOR THE NEW YORK SCHOOL FOR THE HARD OF HEARING, MR. GARRETT MORRIS.

OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT...

OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT!

HALDEMAN SAYS NIXON STOLE

SILVERWARE...

HALDEMAN SAYS NIXON STOLE

SILVERWARE!

SMEARED OATMEAL ON HIS

LAPELS...

SMEARED OATMEAL ON HIS

LAPELS!

KILLED A CUBAN BUSBOY...

KILLED A CUBAN BUSBOY!

AND SLEPT IN PACKING

CRATES.

AND SLEPT IN PACKING CRATES!

THAT'S THE NEWS TONIGHT. GOOD NIGHT AND HAVE A PLEASANT TOMORROW.

GOOD NIGHT AND HAVE A PLEASANT TOMORROW. GOOD NIGHT AND HAVE A

TOMORROW. GOOD NIGHT AND HAVE A PLEASANT EVENING.

GOOD NIGHT AND HAVE A PLEASANT EVENING. TOMORROW.

PLEASANT EVENING. TOMORROW. TOMORROW.

TOMORROW. TOMORROW. Announcer: THIS PORTION OF

TOMORROW. Announcer: THIS PORTION OF "WEEKEND UPDATE" HAS BEEN

Announcer: THIS PORTION OF "WEEKEND UPDATE" HAS BEEN BROUGHT TO YOU BY DIS-O-DENT,

"WEEKEND UPDATE" HAS BEEN BROUGHT TO YOU BY DIS-O-DENT, THE TOOTHPASTE PREFERRED BY THE

BROUGHT TO YOU BY DIS-O-DENT, THE TOOTHPASTE PREFERRED BY THE RADICAL LEFT.

THE TOOTHPASTE PREFERRED BY THE RADICAL LEFT. ALL RIGHT.

RADICAL LEFT. ALL RIGHT. U.S. CITIZENS, LINES 7, 8, AND

ALL RIGHT. U.S. CITIZENS, LINES 7, 8, AND 9.

U.S. CITIZENS, LINES 7, 8, AND 9. FOREIGN NACIONALES, DOS, TRES,

9. FOREIGN NACIONALES, DOS, TRES, CUATRO.

FOREIGN NACIONALES, DOS, TRES, CUATRO. DOS, TRES, CUATRO.

CUATRO. DOS, TRES, CUATRO. OKAY, THIS IS FLIGHT 419 FROM

DOS, TRES, CUATRO. OKAY, THIS IS FLIGHT 419 FROM LA PAZ, BOLIVIA.

OKAY, THIS IS FLIGHT 419 FROM LA PAZ, BOLIVIA. NOW, A FLIGHT FROM LA PAZ WILL

LA PAZ, BOLIVIA. NOW, A FLIGHT FROM LA PAZ WILL VERY LIKELY HAVE SOMEONE ON

NOW, A FLIGHT FROM LA PAZ WILL VERY LIKELY HAVE SOMEONE ON BOARD WHO THINKS THEY CAN

VERY LIKELY HAVE SOMEONE ON BOARD WHO THINKS THEY CAN TRAMPLE ON THE LAW AND SNEAK

BOARD WHO THINKS THEY CAN TRAMPLE ON THE LAW AND SNEAK THROUGH UNITED STATES CUSTOMS

TRAMPLE ON THE LAW AND SNEAK THROUGH UNITED STATES CUSTOMS WITH ILLEGAL NARCOTICS, SUCH AS

THROUGH UNITED STATES CUSTOMS WITH ILLEGAL NARCOTICS, SUCH AS COCAINE OR MARIJUANA.

WITH ILLEGAL NARCOTICS, SUCH AS COCAINE OR MARIJUANA. SOME ARE GONNA TRY TO COME IN

COCAINE OR MARIJUANA. SOME ARE GONNA TRY TO COME IN WITHOUT PAYING THE IMPORT DUTY

SOME ARE GONNA TRY TO COME IN WITHOUT PAYING THE IMPORT DUTY TAX ON FOREIGN PURCHASES, LIKE

WITHOUT PAYING THE IMPORT DUTY TAX ON FOREIGN PURCHASES, LIKE ART, JEWELRY, AND CLOTHING.

TAX ON FOREIGN PURCHASES, LIKE ART, JEWELRY, AND CLOTHING. YES, SIR.

ART, JEWELRY, AND CLOTHING. YES, SIR. MAY I SEE YOUR PASSPORT, PLEASE?

YES, SIR. MAY I SEE YOUR PASSPORT, PLEASE? IT'S ALL RIGHT, FATHER.

MAY I SEE YOUR PASSPORT, PLEASE? IT'S ALL RIGHT, FATHER. GO AHEAD.

IT'S ALL RIGHT, FATHER. GO AHEAD. THAT'S ALL RIGHT, FATHER.

GO AHEAD. THAT'S ALL RIGHT, FATHER. GO RIGHT AHEAD.

THAT'S ALL RIGHT, FATHER. GO RIGHT AHEAD. DON'T WASTE YOUR TIME.

GO RIGHT AHEAD. DON'T WASTE YOUR TIME. IT'S OBVIOUS HE'S A REAL PRIEST.

DON'T WASTE YOUR TIME. IT'S OBVIOUS HE'S A REAL PRIEST. AFTER A COUPLE OF MONTHS ON THIS

IT'S OBVIOUS HE'S A REAL PRIEST. AFTER A COUPLE OF MONTHS ON THIS JOB, YOU GET SO YOU CAN SPOT

AFTER A COUPLE OF MONTHS ON THIS JOB, YOU GET SO YOU CAN SPOT SMUGGLERS AS SOON AS THEY STEP

JOB, YOU GET SO YOU CAN SPOT SMUGGLERS AS SOON AS THEY STEP OFF THE PLANE.

SMUGGLERS AS SOON AS THEY STEP OFF THE PLANE. FOR INSTANCE, RULE OF THUMB...

OFF THE PLANE. FOR INSTANCE, RULE OF THUMB... ALWAYS CHECK BLACK PEOPLE.

FOR INSTANCE, RULE OF THUMB... ALWAYS CHECK BLACK PEOPLE. THE LADY WITH A KID THERE...

ALWAYS CHECK BLACK PEOPLE. THE LADY WITH A KID THERE... LET HER GO BY.

THE LADY WITH A KID THERE... LET HER GO BY. DON'T WASTE YOUR TIME.

LET HER GO BY. DON'T WASTE YOUR TIME. A YOUNG COUPLE, ANOTHER RULE OF

DON'T WASTE YOUR TIME. A YOUNG COUPLE, ANOTHER RULE OF THUMB... YOUNG COUPLES, CHECK

A YOUNG COUPLE, ANOTHER RULE OF THUMB... YOUNG COUPLES, CHECK THEM.

THUMB... YOUNG COUPLES, CHECK THEM. OKAY. COME HERE. WATCH ME.

THEM. OKAY. COME HERE. WATCH ME. MAY I SEE YOUR PASSPORT AND

OKAY. COME HERE. WATCH ME. MAY I SEE YOUR PASSPORT AND RE-ENTRY DECLARATION, PLEASE?

MAY I SEE YOUR PASSPORT AND RE-ENTRY DECLARATION, PLEASE? YEAH.

RE-ENTRY DECLARATION, PLEASE? YEAH. WOULD YOU OPEN YOUR LUGGAGE,

YEAH. WOULD YOU OPEN YOUR LUGGAGE, PLEASE?

WOULD YOU OPEN YOUR LUGGAGE, PLEASE? YEP.

PLEASE? YEP. ALL RIGHT, DO YOU HAVE ANY

YEP. ALL RIGHT, DO YOU HAVE ANY ANIMAL OR VEGETABLE MATTER?

ALL RIGHT, DO YOU HAVE ANY ANIMAL OR VEGETABLE MATTER? OH, NO. NO.

ANIMAL OR VEGETABLE MATTER? OH, NO. NO. I DON'T BELIEVE YOU DECLARED

OH, NO. NO. I DON'T BELIEVE YOU DECLARED THIS, SIR... A MARIJUANA SEED.

I DON'T BELIEVE YOU DECLARED THIS, SIR... A MARIJUANA SEED. I'M AFRAID WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO

THIS, SIR... A MARIJUANA SEED. I'M AFRAID WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUBMIT YOU TO A PERSONAL SEARCH.

I'M AFRAID WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUBMIT YOU TO A PERSONAL SEARCH. UH, I GOT TO GO TO THE

SUBMIT YOU TO A PERSONAL SEARCH. UH, I GOT TO GO TO THE BATHROOM.

UH, I GOT TO GO TO THE BATHROOM. NO, YOU'RE NOT GOING

BATHROOM. NO, YOU'RE NOT GOING ANYWHERE, SIR.

NO, YOU'RE NOT GOING ANYWHERE, SIR. [GRUNTING]

ANYWHERE, SIR. [GRUNTING] GOT IT!

[GRUNTING] GOT IT! I GOT IT! I GOT IT!

GOT IT! I GOT IT! I GOT IT! [GROANS]

I GOT IT! I GOT IT! [GROANS] OKAY, I'LL TAKE CARE OF THIS

[GROANS] OKAY, I'LL TAKE CARE OF THIS GUY, AND, WHITFIELD, YOU CARRY

OKAY, I'LL TAKE CARE OF THIS GUY, AND, WHITFIELD, YOU CARRY ON HERE.

GUY, AND, WHITFIELD, YOU CARRY ON HERE. LET'S GO.

ON HERE. LET'S GO. YES, SIR.

LET'S GO. YES, SIR. UH, NEXT, PLEASE.

YES, SIR. UH, NEXT, PLEASE. UH, YOU CAN GO RIGHT AHEAD.

UH, NEXT, PLEASE. UH, YOU CAN GO RIGHT AHEAD. HI, LITTLE FELLA.

UH, YOU CAN GO RIGHT AHEAD. HI, LITTLE FELLA. HI!

HI, LITTLE FELLA. HI! BOY, IS IT GREAT TO BE BACK IN

HI! BOY, IS IT GREAT TO BE BACK IN AMERICA.

BOY, IS IT GREAT TO BE BACK IN AMERICA. I'D KISS THE GROUND, BUT I'M

AMERICA. I'D KISS THE GROUND, BUT I'M AFRAID I'D HAVE A MISCARRIAGE.

I'D KISS THE GROUND, BUT I'M AFRAID I'D HAVE A MISCARRIAGE. MAY I SEE YOUR PASSPORTS,

AFRAID I'D HAVE A MISCARRIAGE. MAY I SEE YOUR PASSPORTS, PLEASE AND RE-ENTRY DECLARATION

MAY I SEE YOUR PASSPORTS, PLEASE AND RE-ENTRY DECLARATION FORMS?

PLEASE AND RE-ENTRY DECLARATION FORMS? OH, SURE. OF COURSE.

FORMS? OH, SURE. OF COURSE. MY PLEASURE.

OH, SURE. OF COURSE. MY PLEASURE. ARE THE, UH, CONTRACTIONS

MY PLEASURE. ARE THE, UH, CONTRACTIONS GETTING CLOSER, HONEY?

ARE THE, UH, CONTRACTIONS GETTING CLOSER, HONEY? DON'T WORRY ABOUT ME.

GETTING CLOSER, HONEY? DON'T WORRY ABOUT ME. I'LL BE ALL RIGHT AS SOON AS WE

DON'T WORRY ABOUT ME. I'LL BE ALL RIGHT AS SOON AS WE GET OUT OF HERE, AND I CAN FIND

I'LL BE ALL RIGHT AS SOON AS WE GET OUT OF HERE, AND I CAN FIND A PLACE TO LIE DOWN.

GET OUT OF HERE, AND I CAN FIND A PLACE TO LIE DOWN. YOU WANT TO OPEN YOUR

A PLACE TO LIE DOWN. YOU WANT TO OPEN YOUR LUGGAGE, PLEASE, SIR?

YOU WANT TO OPEN YOUR LUGGAGE, PLEASE, SIR? HUH?

LUGGAGE, PLEASE, SIR? HUH? OPEN YOUR LUGGAGE, SIR.

HUH? OPEN YOUR LUGGAGE, SIR. PUT IT RIGHT UP HERE.

OPEN YOUR LUGGAGE, SIR. PUT IT RIGHT UP HERE. OPEN THE SUITCASE?

PUT IT RIGHT UP HERE. OPEN THE SUITCASE? THANK YOU.

OPEN THE SUITCASE? THANK YOU. SURE, OKAY.

THANK YOU. SURE, OKAY. HERE WE GO. OKAY.

SURE, OKAY. HERE WE GO. OKAY. YOU KNOW, THERE ARE A LOT OF

HERE WE GO. OKAY. YOU KNOW, THERE ARE A LOT OF PEOPLE ARE IN LINE HE... IN LINE

YOU KNOW, THERE ARE A LOT OF PEOPLE ARE IN LINE HE... IN LINE HERE, YOU KNOW.

PEOPLE ARE IN LINE HE... IN LINE HERE, YOU KNOW. SIR, I'M GONNA HAVE TO

HERE, YOU KNOW. SIR, I'M GONNA HAVE TO INSPECT YOUR LUGGAGE.

SIR, I'M GONNA HAVE TO INSPECT YOUR LUGGAGE. OKAY, BUT IS THIS LIKE

INSPECT YOUR LUGGAGE. OKAY, BUT IS THIS LIKE NORMAL, I MEAN, YOU KNOW, HEY,

OKAY, BUT IS THIS LIKE NORMAL, I MEAN, YOU KNOW, HEY, WAIT A MINUTE.

NORMAL, I MEAN, YOU KNOW, HEY, WAIT A MINUTE. I DIDN'T EXPECT THIS.

WAIT A MINUTE. I DIDN'T EXPECT THIS. PLEASE RELAX, SIR.

I DIDN'T EXPECT THIS. PLEASE RELAX, SIR. THE TWO PEOPLE AHEAD OF ME

PLEASE RELAX, SIR. THE TWO PEOPLE AHEAD OF ME DIDN'T DO IT, YOU KNOW?

THE TWO PEOPLE AHEAD OF ME DIDN'T DO IT, YOU KNOW? WHY ME, MAN?

DIDN'T DO IT, YOU KNOW? WHY ME, MAN? I MEAN, WHY ME?

WHY ME, MAN? I MEAN, WHY ME? LATER, WE'LL SIMPLY GIVE YOU

I MEAN, WHY ME? LATER, WE'LL SIMPLY GIVE YOU A... LET ME GIVE YOU ONE OF THESE

LATER, WE'LL SIMPLY GIVE YOU A... LET ME GIVE YOU ONE OF THESE RIGHT NOW.

A... LET ME GIVE YOU ONE OF THESE RIGHT NOW. SO, "WHY ME?"

RIGHT NOW. SO, "WHY ME?" IT'S A FORM THAT EXPLAINS WHY

SO, "WHY ME?" IT'S A FORM THAT EXPLAINS WHY THE SUPREME COURT HAS ALLOWED US

IT'S A FORM THAT EXPLAINS WHY THE SUPREME COURT HAS ALLOWED US TO INSPECT YOUR LUGGAGE.

THE SUPREME COURT HAS ALLOWED US TO INSPECT YOUR LUGGAGE. IT'S FOR YOUR OWN PROTECTION.

TO INSPECT YOUR LUGGAGE. IT'S FOR YOUR OWN PROTECTION. PLEASE, JUST RELAX.

IT'S FOR YOUR OWN PROTECTION. PLEASE, JUST RELAX. HOLD IT RIGHT THERE, FELLA!

PLEASE, JUST RELAX. HOLD IT RIGHT THERE, FELLA! HUH?

HOLD IT RIGHT THERE, FELLA! HUH? WHERE'D YOU BUY THIS SHIRT?

HUH? WHERE'D YOU BUY THIS SHIRT? I GOT IT AT HAROLD ROBBINS.

WHERE'D YOU BUY THIS SHIRT? I GOT IT AT HAROLD ROBBINS. HAROLD ROBBINS?

I GOT IT AT HAROLD ROBBINS. HAROLD ROBBINS? YEAH.

HAROLD ROBBINS? YEAH. OKAY.

YEAH. OKAY. OKAY. OKAY.

OKAY. OKAY. OKAY. DO YOU HAVE ANY ANIMAL OR

OKAY. OKAY. DO YOU HAVE ANY ANIMAL OR VEGETABLE MATTER, SIR?

DO YOU HAVE ANY ANIMAL OR VEGETABLE MATTER, SIR? WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

VEGETABLE MATTER, SIR? WHAT DO YOU MEAN? WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

WHAT DO YOU MEAN? WHAT DO YOU MEAN? YOU MEAN, LIKE, MARIJUANA OR

WHAT DO YOU MEAN? YOU MEAN, LIKE, MARIJUANA OR COCAINE?

YOU MEAN, LIKE, MARIJUANA OR COCAINE? WE DON'T HAVE ANY.

COCAINE? WE DON'T HAVE ANY. NO.

WE DON'T HAVE ANY. NO. [LAUGHS]

NO. [LAUGHS] WELL, THAT'S IT.

[LAUGHS] WELL, THAT'S IT. ONE MORE DRUG SMUGGLER UNDER

WELL, THAT'S IT. ONE MORE DRUG SMUGGLER UNDER ARREST.

ONE MORE DRUG SMUGGLER UNDER ARREST. HOW'S IT GOING HERE, WHITFIELD?

ARREST. HOW'S IT GOING HERE, WHITFIELD? FINE, SIR.

HOW'S IT GOING HERE, WHITFIELD? FINE, SIR. YEAH, I CAN STILL SMELL THE

FINE, SIR. YEAH, I CAN STILL SMELL THE STUFF ON MY HANDS.

YEAH, I CAN STILL SMELL THE STUFF ON MY HANDS. I'M GONNA WASH IT OFF.

STUFF ON MY HANDS. I'M GONNA WASH IT OFF. YES, SIR.

I'M GONNA WASH IT OFF. YES, SIR. OH!

YES, SIR. OH! PUT THIS RIGHT HERE.

OH! PUT THIS RIGHT HERE. WERE YOU IN BOLIVIA FOR BUSINESS

PUT THIS RIGHT HERE. WERE YOU IN BOLIVIA FOR BUSINESS OR PLEASURE, SIR?

WERE YOU IN BOLIVIA FOR BUSINESS OR PLEASURE, SIR? UH, BUSINESS.

OR PLEASURE, SIR? UH, BUSINESS. UH, I MEAN, PLEASURE.

UH, BUSINESS. UH, I MEAN, PLEASURE. I'M A STUDENT.

UH, I MEAN, PLEASURE. I'M A STUDENT. WE'RE, UH, STUDENTS.

I'M A STUDENT. WE'RE, UH, STUDENTS. WE'RE HAVING THE PLEASURE OF

WE'RE, UH, STUDENTS. WE'RE HAVING THE PLEASURE OF BEING STUDENTS, RIGHT?

WE'RE HAVING THE PLEASURE OF BEING STUDENTS, RIGHT? YEAH. RIGHT.

BEING STUDENTS, RIGHT? YEAH. RIGHT. I MEAN, SIR, YOU KNOW, IT'S

YEAH. RIGHT. I MEAN, SIR, YOU KNOW, IT'S REALLY BEAUTIFUL DOWN THERE,

I MEAN, SIR, YOU KNOW, IT'S REALLY BEAUTIFUL DOWN THERE, MAN.

REALLY BEAUTIFUL DOWN THERE, MAN. YOU REALLY SHOULD GO SOMETIME.

MAN. YOU REALLY SHOULD GO SOMETIME. I MEAN, IT'S A NICE PLACE, BUT I

YOU REALLY SHOULD GO SOMETIME. I MEAN, IT'S A NICE PLACE, BUT I WOULDN'T WANT TO LIVE THERE, YOU

I MEAN, IT'S A NICE PLACE, BUT I WOULDN'T WANT TO LIVE THERE, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

WOULDN'T WANT TO LIVE THERE, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? I GOT SUNBURN ON MY NOSE THE

KNOW WHAT I MEAN? I GOT SUNBURN ON MY NOSE THE FIRST DAY!

I GOT SUNBURN ON MY NOSE THE FIRST DAY! YOU BUY THESE BOOTS IN

FIRST DAY! YOU BUY THESE BOOTS IN BOLIVIA, SIR?

YOU BUY THESE BOOTS IN BOLIVIA, SIR? WHAT?

BOLIVIA, SIR? WHAT? YOU BUY THESE BOOTS IN

WHAT? YOU BUY THESE BOOTS IN BOLIVIA, SIR?

YOU BUY THESE BOOTS IN BOLIVIA, SIR? UH, YEAH. NO!

BOLIVIA, SIR? UH, YEAH. NO! I GOT THEM IN LOS ANGELES BEFORE

UH, YEAH. NO! I GOT THEM IN LOS ANGELES BEFORE I-I-I LEFT.

I GOT THEM IN LOS ANGELES BEFORE I-I-I LEFT. THAT'S MY AFTERSHAVE!

I-I-I LEFT. THAT'S MY AFTERSHAVE! YOU CAN CONFISCATE THAT IF YOU

THAT'S MY AFTERSHAVE! YOU CAN CONFISCATE THAT IF YOU WANT.

YOU CAN CONFISCATE THAT IF YOU WANT. YOU CAN TAKE IT.

WANT. YOU CAN TAKE IT. TAKE MY AFTERSHAVE.

YOU CAN TAKE IT. TAKE MY AFTERSHAVE. THAT'S ALL RIGHT, SIR.

TAKE MY AFTERSHAVE. THAT'S ALL RIGHT, SIR. [LAUGHING]

THAT'S ALL RIGHT, SIR. [LAUGHING] ALL RIGHT, SIR.

[LAUGHING] ALL RIGHT, SIR. HOW ABOUT THIS SWEATER?

ALL RIGHT, SIR. HOW ABOUT THIS SWEATER? YOU BUY THIS IN BOLIVIA?

HOW ABOUT THIS SWEATER? YOU BUY THIS IN BOLIVIA? WHAT?

YOU BUY THIS IN BOLIVIA? WHAT? DID YOU BUY THIS SWEATER IN

WHAT? DID YOU BUY THIS SWEATER IN BOLIVIA, SIR?

DID YOU BUY THIS SWEATER IN BOLIVIA, SIR? IT WAS NOT ENTERED ON YOUR

BOLIVIA, SIR? IT WAS NOT ENTERED ON YOUR DECLARATION FORM, WAS IT, SIR?

IT WAS NOT ENTERED ON YOUR DECLARATION FORM, WAS IT, SIR? NO, IT WASN'T.

DECLARATION FORM, WAS IT, SIR? NO, IT WASN'T. LET'S TAKE A LOOK.

NO, IT WASN'T. LET'S TAKE A LOOK. THIS SWEATER WAS NOT ENTERED ON

LET'S TAKE A LOOK. THIS SWEATER WAS NOT ENTERED ON THEIR, UH, DECLARATION FORM.

THIS SWEATER WAS NOT ENTERED ON THEIR, UH, DECLARATION FORM. I DON'T KNOW HOW TO HANDLE THAT,

THEIR, UH, DECLARATION FORM. I DON'T KNOW HOW TO HANDLE THAT, SIR.

I DON'T KNOW HOW TO HANDLE THAT, SIR. UH, YOU FOLKS BRINGING IN

SIR. UH, YOU FOLKS BRINGING IN MORE THAN $125 WORTH OF FOREIGN

UH, YOU FOLKS BRINGING IN MORE THAN $125 WORTH OF FOREIGN PURCHASES?

MORE THAN $125 WORTH OF FOREIGN PURCHASES? NO, SIR! NO, SIR!

PURCHASES? NO, SIR! NO, SIR! THAT'S OKAY.

NO, SIR! NO, SIR! THAT'S OKAY. OKAY. THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

THAT'S OKAY. OKAY. THANK YOU VERY MUCH. YOU CAN GO.

OKAY. THANK YOU VERY MUCH. YOU CAN GO. THANK YOU! THANK YOU!

YOU CAN GO. THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU!

THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU!

THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU! I HOPE IT'S A BOY.

THANK YOU! THANK YOU! I HOPE IT'S A BOY. WHAT?

I HOPE IT'S A BOY. WHAT? OH, THANK YOU.

WHAT? OH, THANK YOU. NEXT, PLEASE.

OH, THANK YOU. NEXT, PLEASE. OH, THAT'S ALL RIGHT, FATHER.

NEXT, PLEASE. OH, THAT'S ALL RIGHT, FATHER. YOU CAN GO RIGHT AHEAD.

OH, THAT'S ALL RIGHT, FATHER. YOU CAN GO RIGHT AHEAD. NEXT, PLEASE!

YOU CAN GO RIGHT AHEAD. NEXT, PLEASE! LET'S TAKE A LOOK AT THAT HERE.

NEXT, PLEASE! LET'S TAKE A LOOK AT THAT HERE. LET'S GET THAT RIGHT UP HERE.

LET'S TAKE A LOOK AT THAT HERE. LET'S GET THAT RIGHT UP HERE. MA'AM, LET ME SEE THIS.

AND NOW HERE'S THIS WEEK'S FILM BY GARY WEIS. [APPLAUSE]

CAN I HELP YOU? YEAH, HAVE YOU GOT THIS IN RED?

YEAH, HAVE YOU GOT THIS IN RED? NO, I'M SORRY.

RED? NO, I'M SORRY. IT DOESN'T COME IN RED.

NO, I'M SORRY. IT DOESN'T COME IN RED. [WOMAN VOCALIZING]

IT DOESN'T COME IN RED. [WOMAN VOCALIZING] [SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYS]

♪ OH, NO ♪ [VOCALIZING]

HI, MY NAME IS NEWMAN. I HAVE SOME LAUNDRY THAT'S SUPPOSED TO BE READY TODAY, BUT

I HAVE SOME LAUNDRY THAT'S SUPPOSED TO BE READY TODAY, BUT I DON'T HAVE MY TICKET.

SUPPOSED TO BE READY TODAY, BUT I DON'T HAVE MY TICKET. I'M SORRY.

I DON'T HAVE MY TICKET. I'M SORRY. YOU CAN'T HAVE YOUR LAUNDRY

I'M SORRY. YOU CAN'T HAVE YOUR LAUNDRY WITHOUT YOUR TICKET.

YOU CAN'T HAVE YOUR LAUNDRY WITHOUT YOUR TICKET. ♪ WHAT? YOU MUST BE CRAZY ♪

WITHOUT YOUR TICKET. ♪ WHAT? YOU MUST BE CRAZY ♪ ♪ NO TICKET, TICKET, TICKET ♪

♪ WHAT? YOU MUST BE CRAZY ♪ ♪ NO TICKET, TICKET, TICKET ♪ ♪ TICKET, TICKET, TICKET ♪

♪ NO TICKET, TICKET, TICKET ♪ ♪ TICKET, TICKET, TICKET ♪ ♪ TICKET, TICKET, TICKET ♪

♪ TICKET, TICKET, TICKET ♪ ♪ TICKET, TICKET, TICKET ♪ ♪ LOS ANGELES ♪

♪ TICKET, TICKET, TICKET ♪ ♪ LOS ANGELES ♪ ♪ TICKET, TICKET, TICKET ♪

♪ LOS ANGELES ♪ ♪ TICKET, TICKET, TICKET ♪ ♪ TICKET ♪

♪ TICKET, TICKET, TICKET ♪ ♪ TICKET ♪ [VOCALIZING]

♪ TICKET ♪ [VOCALIZING] ♪ WHAT IS HAPPENING TO HER? ♪

[VOCALIZING] ♪ WHAT IS HAPPENING TO HER? ♪ ♪ SHE DOESN'T KNOW WHY SHE

♪ WHAT IS HAPPENING TO HER? ♪ ♪ SHE DOESN'T KNOW WHY SHE COULDN'T GET THE DRESS ♪

♪ SHE DOESN'T KNOW WHY SHE COULDN'T GET THE DRESS ♪ ♪ THEN SHE GOT A TICKET ON HER

COULDN'T GET THE DRESS ♪ ♪ THEN SHE GOT A TICKET ON HER CAR ♪

♪ THEN SHE GOT A TICKET ON HER CAR ♪ ♪ AND NOW SHE CAN'T GET HER

CAR ♪ ♪ AND NOW SHE CAN'T GET HER LAUNDRY ♪

♪ AND NOW SHE CAN'T GET HER LAUNDRY ♪ ♪ IT'S HERS, IT'S HERS ♪

LAUNDRY ♪ ♪ IT'S HERS, IT'S HERS ♪ ♪ IT'S MY LAUNDRY ♪

♪ IT'S HERS, IT'S HERS ♪ ♪ IT'S MY LAUNDRY ♪ [VOCALIZING]

♪ COME AND GET ME ♪ [VOCALIZING MANICALLY]

♪ LARAINE, COME AND GET ME ♪ ♪ LARAINE ♪ [VOCALIZING MANICALLY]

♪ LARAINE ♪ [VOCALIZING MANICALLY] ♪ DON'T LEAVE FINGERPRINTS ON

[VOCALIZING MANICALLY] ♪ DON'T LEAVE FINGERPRINTS ON THE BANISTER OR THE DINING

♪ DON'T LEAVE FINGERPRINTS ON THE BANISTER OR THE DINING ROOM ♪

THE BANISTER OR THE DINING ROOM ♪ [VOCALIZING MANICALLY]

ROOM ♪ [VOCALIZING MANICALLY] GOD, WILL YOU SHUT UP?!

AND NOW, AS WE COME TO THE

END OF ANOTHER BROADCAST DAY, WE

OFFER YOU THESE WORDS OF

INSPIRATION.

TONIGHT'S MESSAGE IS FROM THE

CHURCH OF CONFUSION.

OUR SERMONETTE THIS EVENING WILL

BE DELIVERED BY HIS CONFUSED

HOLINESS, THE MOST REVEREND

ARCHBISHOP

MAHARISHI O'MULLIGANSTEIN D.D.S.

GOOD AFTERNOON. AND THANK YOU, FATHER-IN-LAW... FOR GUIDING US THROUGH ANOTHER

AND THANK YOU, FATHER-IN-LAW... FOR GUIDING US THROUGH ANOTHER DAY.

FOR GUIDING US THROUGH ANOTHER DAY. AS THE PROPHET LAO TSE SAID AT

DAY. AS THE PROPHET LAO TSE SAID AT THE BOTTOM OF THE MOUNTAIN WHEN

AS THE PROPHET LAO TSE SAID AT THE BOTTOM OF THE MOUNTAIN WHEN HE FIRST SAW THE FIRST GLIMMER

THE BOTTOM OF THE MOUNTAIN WHEN HE FIRST SAW THE FIRST GLIMMER OF THE HAZE OF CONFUSION...

HE FIRST SAW THE FIRST GLIMMER OF THE HAZE OF CONFUSION... [SPEAKING GIBBERISH]

OF THE HAZE OF CONFUSION... [SPEAKING GIBBERISH] HI. HOW ARE YOU?

[SPEAKING GIBBERISH] HI. HOW ARE YOU? [Chanting] OM.

HI. HOW ARE YOU? [Chanting] OM. SHANTI OM.

[Chanting] OM. SHANTI OM. AND THE CONFUSED DEITY SPEAKETH

SHANTI OM. AND THE CONFUSED DEITY SPEAKETH UNDER KRISHNA.

AND THE CONFUSED DEITY SPEAKETH UNDER KRISHNA. HE SAID, "BILL, 'E' PLURIBUS

UNDER KRISHNA. HE SAID, "BILL, 'E' PLURIBUS UNUM.

HE SAID, "BILL, 'E' PLURIBUS UNUM. IN TROY, THERE LIES THE SCENE.

UNUM. IN TROY, THERE LIES THE SCENE. CLOSE COVER BEFORE STRIKING.

IN TROY, THERE LIES THE SCENE. CLOSE COVER BEFORE STRIKING. PLEASE KEEP YOUR FEET OFF THE

CLOSE COVER BEFORE STRIKING. PLEASE KEEP YOUR FEET OFF THE JUMP SEAT.

PLEASE KEEP YOUR FEET OFF THE JUMP SEAT. [SPEAKING GIBBERISH] AMEN."

JUMP SEAT. [SPEAKING GIBBERISH] AMEN." AND BILL UNDERSTOOD.

[SPEAKING GIBBERISH] AMEN." AND BILL UNDERSTOOD. YOU SEE, HE, TOO, WAS CONFUSED.

AND BILL UNDERSTOOD. YOU SEE, HE, TOO, WAS CONFUSED. FELLOW CONFUSISTS, WE MUST

YOU SEE, HE, TOO, WAS CONFUSED. FELLOW CONFUSISTS, WE MUST REAFFIRM OUR CONFUSION EVERY

FELLOW CONFUSISTS, WE MUST REAFFIRM OUR CONFUSION EVERY DAY.

REAFFIRM OUR CONFUSION EVERY DAY. ZEUS LOVES YOU.

DAY. ZEUS LOVES YOU. HE LOVES ALL MORMONS.

ZEUS LOVES YOU. HE LOVES ALL MORMONS. ♪ ROCK OF AGES ♪

HE LOVES ALL MORMONS. ♪ ROCK OF AGES ♪ ♪ TAKE MY WIFE ♪

♪ ROCK OF AGES ♪ ♪ TAKE MY WIFE ♪ PREPARE TO DRINK FROM THE

♪ TAKE MY WIFE ♪ PREPARE TO DRINK FROM THE KIDDISH CUP, FOR AS GOD GIVETH,

PREPARE TO DRINK FROM THE KIDDISH CUP, FOR AS GOD GIVETH, HE ALSO GIVETH.

KIDDISH CUP, FOR AS GOD GIVETH, HE ALSO GIVETH. I'M REMINDED THIS ASH OF THE

HE ALSO GIVETH. I'M REMINDED THIS ASH OF THE STORY CALLED ABOUT FROM THE

I'M REMINDED THIS ASH OF THE STORY CALLED ABOUT FROM THE QUR'AN ON THE ANALYLICS OF

STORY CALLED ABOUT FROM THE QUR'AN ON THE ANALYLICS OF CONFUCIUS ABOUT A MAN WHO

QUR'AN ON THE ANALYLICS OF CONFUCIUS ABOUT A MAN WHO WANDERED AIMLESSLY THROUGHOUT

CONFUCIUS ABOUT A MAN WHO WANDERED AIMLESSLY THROUGHOUT HIS LIFE AND THIS STORY FOR 40

WANDERED AIMLESSLY THROUGHOUT HIS LIFE AND THIS STORY FOR 40 DAYS AND 50 NIGHTS WHEN HE CAME

HIS LIFE AND THIS STORY FOR 40 DAYS AND 50 NIGHTS WHEN HE CAME UPON A CLEARING.

DAYS AND 50 NIGHTS WHEN HE CAME UPON A CLEARING. BEFORE HIM WERE FIVE ROADS.

UPON A CLEARING. BEFORE HIM WERE FIVE ROADS. FIVE ROADS NOT TAKEN AND MILES

BEFORE HIM WERE FIVE ROADS. FIVE ROADS NOT TAKEN AND MILES TO GO BEFORE THEY SLEPT.

FIVE ROADS NOT TAKEN AND MILES TO GO BEFORE THEY SLEPT. NOW, HE WAS TRULY CONFUSED.

TO GO BEFORE THEY SLEPT. NOW, HE WAS TRULY CONFUSED. "WHICH ROAD SHOULD I TAKE?"

NOW, HE WAS TRULY CONFUSED. "WHICH ROAD SHOULD I TAKE?" IT WAS A RHETORICAL QUESTION

"WHICH ROAD SHOULD I TAKE?" IT WAS A RHETORICAL QUESTION INDEED, FOR THE TRAVELER KNEW

IT WAS A RHETORICAL QUESTION INDEED, FOR THE TRAVELER KNEW NOR WHERE HE WAS GOING BUT NOT

INDEED, FOR THE TRAVELER KNEW NOR WHERE HE WAS GOING BUT NOT WHERE HE HAD COME FROM.

NOR WHERE HE WAS GOING BUT NOT WHERE HE HAD COME FROM. BUT THEN A SIGN APPEARED BEFORE

WHERE HE HAD COME FROM. BUT THEN A SIGN APPEARED BEFORE HIM, A SIGN FROM ABOVE.

BUT THEN A SIGN APPEARED BEFORE HIM, A SIGN FROM ABOVE. A STAR ROSE IN THE HEAVENS, THE

HIM, A SIGN FROM ABOVE. A STAR ROSE IN THE HEAVENS, THE WIND HOWLED FROM THE WEST, THE

A STAR ROSE IN THE HEAVENS, THE WIND HOWLED FROM THE WEST, THE RED SEA PARTED, A PYRAMID FELL,

WIND HOWLED FROM THE WEST, THE RED SEA PARTED, A PYRAMID FELL, AND A BABY CRIED.

RED SEA PARTED, A PYRAMID FELL, AND A BABY CRIED. AND ANOTHER SIGN... LIKE

AND A BABY CRIED. AND ANOTHER SIGN... LIKE THUNDER, A SMALL, FOREIGN CAR

AND ANOTHER SIGN... LIKE THUNDER, A SMALL, FOREIGN CAR EXPLODED, AND THE TRAVELER KNEW

THUNDER, A SMALL, FOREIGN CAR EXPLODED, AND THE TRAVELER KNEW THAT HE COULD NO LONGER BE

EXPLODED, AND THE TRAVELER KNEW THAT HE COULD NO LONGER BE DRIVEN OUT OF THE PROMISED LAND.

THAT HE COULD NO LONGER BE DRIVEN OUT OF THE PROMISED LAND. BLESS YOU.

DRIVEN OUT OF THE PROMISED LAND. BLESS YOU. AND, FINALLY, THE TRAVELER CAME

BLESS YOU. AND, FINALLY, THE TRAVELER CAME UPON A GIANT FOOTPRINT IN THE

AND, FINALLY, THE TRAVELER CAME UPON A GIANT FOOTPRINT IN THE GROUND, AND HE SPAKETH TRULY

UPON A GIANT FOOTPRINT IN THE GROUND, AND HE SPAKETH TRULY THAT THIS MUST BE THE HAND OF

GROUND, AND HE SPAKETH TRULY THAT THIS MUST BE THE HAND OF GOD.

THAT THIS MUST BE THE HAND OF GOD. AND HE WAS CONFUSETHED.

GOD. AND HE WAS CONFUSETHED. HE WENT TO THE FOOT OF THE

AND HE WAS CONFUSETHED. HE WENT TO THE FOOT OF THE MOUNTAIN, AND HE CRIED,

HE WENT TO THE FOOT OF THE MOUNTAIN, AND HE CRIED, "CONFUSED AT LAST!

MOUNTAIN, AND HE CRIED, "CONFUSED AT LAST! CONFUSED AT LAST!

"CONFUSED AT LAST! CONFUSED AT LAST! LOU, LOU, MR. FIELDS, WANTS THE

CONFUSED AT LAST! LOU, LOU, MR. FIELDS, WANTS THE RENT!"

LOU, LOU, MR. FIELDS, WANTS THE RENT!" WE ARE CONFUSED AT LAST.

RENT!" WE ARE CONFUSED AT LAST. AND SO, AS WE PREPARE TO MEET

WE ARE CONFUSED AT LAST. AND SO, AS WE PREPARE TO MEET ANOTHER DAY...

AND SO, AS WE PREPARE TO MEET ANOTHER DAY... IN CLOSING, I WOULD LIKE TO READ

ANOTHER DAY... IN CLOSING, I WOULD LIKE TO READ FROM, WELL, FROM LEVITI...

IN CLOSING, I WOULD LIKE TO READ FROM, WELL, FROM LEVITI... LEVITICUS 1:4, JACKSON 5.

FROM, WELL, FROM LEVITI... LEVITICUS 1:4, JACKSON 5. "TAKE EAT.

LEVITICUS 1:4, JACKSON 5. "TAKE EAT. THIS IS MY BODY.

"TAKE EAT. THIS IS MY BODY. HOW DO YOU LIKE IT?"

THIS IS MY BODY. HOW DO YOU LIKE IT?" SO, IN CLOSING, MAY YOUR KARMA

HOW DO YOU LIKE IT?" SO, IN CLOSING, MAY YOUR KARMA BE FINE WHEN COMBINED WITH A

SO, IN CLOSING, MAY YOUR KARMA BE FINE WHEN COMBINED WITH A CONSCIENTIOUSLY APPLIED PROGRAM

BE FINE WHEN COMBINED WITH A CONSCIENTIOUSLY APPLIED PROGRAM OF ORAL HYGIENE AND REGULAR

CONSCIENTIOUSLY APPLIED PROGRAM OF ORAL HYGIENE AND REGULAR DENTAL CARE.

OF ORAL HYGIENE AND REGULAR DENTAL CARE. AMEN. GOOD NIGHT.

DENTAL CARE. AMEN. GOOD NIGHT. HELLO.

HEY! YOU HEAR SOMETHIN'? YEAH.

YOU HEAR SOMETHIN'? YEAH. HALT!

YEAH. HALT! WHAT'S THE PASSWORD?

HALT! WHAT'S THE PASSWORD? [German accent] APPLE.

WHAT'S THE PASSWORD? [German accent] APPLE. WE'VE HAD REPORTS THERE'S

[German accent] APPLE. WE'VE HAD REPORTS THERE'S SOME JERRIES, UH, DRESSED UP IN

WE'VE HAD REPORTS THERE'S SOME JERRIES, UH, DRESSED UP IN G.I. UNIFORMS TRYIN' TO SNEAK

SOME JERRIES, UH, DRESSED UP IN G.I. UNIFORMS TRYIN' TO SNEAK BEHIND OUR LINES.

G.I. UNIFORMS TRYIN' TO SNEAK BEHIND OUR LINES. YEAH, WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO ASK

BEHIND OUR LINES. YEAH, WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO ASK YOU SOME QUESTIONS.

YEAH, WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO ASK YOU SOME QUESTIONS. JA, DAS IST OKAY.

YOU SOME QUESTIONS. JA, DAS IST OKAY. [German accent] YOU CAN'T

JA, DAS IST OKAY. [German accent] YOU CAN'T BE TOO CAREFUL MIT THOSE KRAUTS.

[German accent] YOU CAN'T BE TOO CAREFUL MIT THOSE KRAUTS. WHAT'S THE CAPITAL OF

BE TOO CAREFUL MIT THOSE KRAUTS. WHAT'S THE CAPITAL OF ILLINOIS?

WHAT'S THE CAPITAL OF ILLINOIS? "SHPRINGFIELD."

ILLINOIS? "SHPRINGFIELD." HOW 'BOUT OKLAHOMA?

"SHPRINGFIELD." HOW 'BOUT OKLAHOMA? OKLAHOMA CITY.

HOW 'BOUT OKLAHOMA? OKLAHOMA CITY. HOW MANY QUARTS IN A GALLON?

OKLAHOMA CITY. HOW MANY QUARTS IN A GALLON? EINS, ZWEI, DREI ...FOUR.

HOW MANY QUARTS IN A GALLON? EINS, ZWEI, DREI ...FOUR. YOU!

EINS, ZWEI, DREI ...FOUR. YOU! WHO WAS THE DRAGON LADY?

YOU! WHO WAS THE DRAGON LADY? IN "TERRY AND THE PIRATES."

WHO WAS THE DRAGON LADY? IN "TERRY AND THE PIRATES." WHAT COLOR ARE THE YANKEES'

IN "TERRY AND THE PIRATES." WHAT COLOR ARE THE YANKEES' UNIFORMS?

WHAT COLOR ARE THE YANKEES' UNIFORMS? PINSTRIPED, "VHITE" MIT GRAY.

UNIFORMS? PINSTRIPED, "VHITE" MIT GRAY. WHAT'S A TEXAS LEAGUER?

PINSTRIPED, "VHITE" MIT GRAY. WHAT'S A TEXAS LEAGUER? A BASE HIT IN BASEBALL THAT

WHAT'S A TEXAS LEAGUER? A BASE HIT IN BASEBALL THAT FALLS BETWEEN "ZE" INFIELD UND

A BASE HIT IN BASEBALL THAT FALLS BETWEEN "ZE" INFIELD UND THE OUTFIELD.

FALLS BETWEEN "ZE" INFIELD UND THE OUTFIELD. USUALLY A "ZINGLE."

THE OUTFIELD. USUALLY A "ZINGLE." "ZO" NAMED FOR A MINOR LEAGUE

USUALLY A "ZINGLE." "ZO" NAMED FOR A MINOR LEAGUE IN TEXAS.

"ZO" NAMED FOR A MINOR LEAGUE IN TEXAS. CAPITAL, AUSTIN.

IN TEXAS. CAPITAL, AUSTIN. THE WEIGHT OF "ZE"

CAPITAL, AUSTIN. THE WEIGHT OF "ZE" BASEBALL...

THE WEIGHT OF "ZE" BASEBALL... 3.8 OUNCES!

BASEBALL... 3.8 OUNCES! OKAY, OKAY.

3.8 OUNCES! OKAY, OKAY. TELL ME WHO THIS IS.

OKAY, OKAY. TELL ME WHO THIS IS. WOLINSKI, DO YOUR IMITATION.

TELL ME WHO THIS IS. WOLINSKI, DO YOUR IMITATION. GO AHEAD, SARGE.

WOLINSKI, DO YOUR IMITATION. GO AHEAD, SARGE. [Imitating James Cagney]

GO AHEAD, SARGE. [Imitating James Cagney] YOU DIRTY RAT!

[Imitating James Cagney] YOU DIRTY RAT! YOU KILLED MY BROTHER!

YOU DIRTY RAT! YOU KILLED MY BROTHER! [LAUGHS]

YOU KILLED MY BROTHER! [LAUGHS] OKAY, NOW, WHO WAS IT?

[LAUGHS] OKAY, NOW, WHO WAS IT? PAUL WHITEMAN.

OKAY, NOW, WHO WAS IT? PAUL WHITEMAN. NO, NO, NO, NO.

PAUL WHITEMAN. NO, NO, NO, NO. TRY IT AGAIN.

NO, NO, NO, NO. TRY IT AGAIN. DO IT AGAIN. HE DOES IT BETTER.

TRY IT AGAIN. DO IT AGAIN. HE DOES IT BETTER. GO 'HEAD.

DO IT AGAIN. HE DOES IT BETTER. GO 'HEAD. [SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

GO 'HEAD. [SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY] [Imitating James Cagney]

[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY] [Imitating James Cagney] YOU DIRTY RAT!

[Imitating James Cagney] YOU DIRTY RAT! YOU KILLED MY BROTHER!

YOU DIRTY RAT! YOU KILLED MY BROTHER! IKE.

YOU KILLED MY BROTHER! IKE. NO, NOT IKE.

IKE. NO, NOT IKE. UH, I MEANT, "VALTER VINCHELL."

NO, NOT IKE. UH, I MEANT, "VALTER VINCHELL." YEAH!

UH, I MEANT, "VALTER VINCHELL." YEAH! SAY, THAT'S WHO I THOUGHT IT WAS

YEAH! SAY, THAT'S WHO I THOUGHT IT WAS WHEN I FIRST HEARD IT.

SAY, THAT'S WHO I THOUGHT IT WAS WHEN I FIRST HEARD IT. WELL, OKAY.

WHEN I FIRST HEARD IT. WELL, OKAY. I GUESS YOU GUYS ARE OKAY.

WELL, OKAY. I GUESS YOU GUYS ARE OKAY. YOU KNOW, YOU... YOU JUST CAN'T

I GUESS YOU GUYS ARE OKAY. YOU KNOW, YOU... YOU JUST CAN'T BE TOO CAREFUL, THOUGH.

YOU KNOW, YOU... YOU JUST CAN'T BE TOO CAREFUL, THOUGH. CIGARETTE?

BE TOO CAREFUL, THOUGH. CIGARETTE? YEAH, HERE.

CIGARETTE? YEAH, HERE. YOU HAVE TO WATCH YOURSELF

YEAH, HERE. YOU HAVE TO WATCH YOURSELF VERY CAREFULLY HERE.

YOU HAVE TO WATCH YOURSELF VERY CAREFULLY HERE. YA-HESS!

VERY CAREFULLY HERE. YA-HESS! YEAH.

YA-HESS! YEAH. HEY, YOU GUYS GOT A MATCH?

YEAH. HEY, YOU GUYS GOT A MATCH? OH, YES.

HEY, YOU GUYS GOT A MATCH? OH, YES. YOU KNOW, WE GOT PLENTY OF

OH, YES. YOU KNOW, WE GOT PLENTY OF CIGARETTES UP HERE.

YOU KNOW, WE GOT PLENTY OF CIGARETTES UP HERE. THEY NEVER SEND US ANY MATCHES.

CIGARETTES UP HERE. THEY NEVER SEND US ANY MATCHES. [CHUCKLES]

THEY NEVER SEND US ANY MATCHES. [CHUCKLES] MM.

[CHUCKLES] MM. YOU CAN KEEP THIS.

MM. YOU CAN KEEP THIS. HEY, THANKS A LOT.

YOU CAN KEEP THIS. HEY, THANKS A LOT. HEY, WHAT'S THIS SAY?

HEY, THANKS A LOT. HEY, WHAT'S THIS SAY? HOFBRAEUHAUS?

HEY, WHAT'S THIS SAY? HOFBRAEUHAUS? BERLIN?

HOFBRAEUHAUS? BERLIN? BERLIN!

BERLIN? BERLIN! ALL RIGHT, KRAUTS!

BERLIN! ALL RIGHT, KRAUTS! DROP IT, KRAUTS!

ALL RIGHT, KRAUTS! DROP IT, KRAUTS! DROP IT! SEARCH 'EM!

DROP IT, KRAUTS! DROP IT! SEARCH 'EM! WATCH OUT FOR BOOBY TRAPS!

DROP IT! SEARCH 'EM! WATCH OUT FOR BOOBY TRAPS! COME ON!

WATCH OUT FOR BOOBY TRAPS! COME ON! BOY, THAT WAS CLOSE, SARGE.

COME ON! BOY, THAT WAS CLOSE, SARGE. THAT SURE WAS.

BOY, THAT WAS CLOSE, SARGE. THAT SURE WAS. THESE JERRIES ALMOST GOT PAST

THAT SURE WAS. THESE JERRIES ALMOST GOT PAST US.

THESE JERRIES ALMOST GOT PAST US. THAT'S RIGHT, BUT THEY

US. THAT'S RIGHT, BUT THEY DIDN'T!

THAT'S RIGHT, BUT THEY DIDN'T! YOU JUST CAN'T BE TOO CAREFUL,

DIDN'T! YOU JUST CAN'T BE TOO CAREFUL, YOU KNOW?

YOU JUST CAN'T BE TOO CAREFUL, YOU KNOW? YA CAN'T TRUST ANYBODY!

YOU KNOW? YA CAN'T TRUST ANYBODY! THAT'S RIGHT.

YA CAN'T TRUST ANYBODY! THAT'S RIGHT. SAY, SARGE, YOU KNOW WHAT YOU

THAT'S RIGHT. SAY, SARGE, YOU KNOW WHAT YOU SHOULD HAVE ASKED 'EM?

SAY, SARGE, YOU KNOW WHAT YOU SHOULD HAVE ASKED 'EM? "WHO IS THE MANAGER OF THE

SHOULD HAVE ASKED 'EM? "WHO IS THE MANAGER OF THE CLEVELAND INDIANS THIS YEAR?"

"WHO IS THE MANAGER OF THE CLEVELAND INDIANS THIS YEAR?" THEY COULDN'T HAVE ANSWERED

CLEVELAND INDIANS THIS YEAR?" THEY COULDN'T HAVE ANSWERED THAT!

THEY COULDN'T HAVE ANSWERED THAT! YEAH.

THAT! YEAH. BY THE WAY, WASHINGTON, WHO

YEAH. BY THE WAY, WASHINGTON, WHO IS THE MANAGER OF THE

BY THE WAY, WASHINGTON, WHO IS THE MANAGER OF THE CLEVELAND INDIANS THIS YEAR?

IS THE MANAGER OF THE CLEVELAND INDIANS THIS YEAR? UH...

CLEVELAND INDIANS THIS YEAR? UH... YOU KNOW, I'M NOT SURE.

UH... YOU KNOW, I'M NOT SURE. DROP IT, WASHINGTON!

YOU KNOW, I'M NOT SURE. DROP IT, WASHINGTON! KRAUT!

DROP IT, WASHINGTON! KRAUT! DROP IT!

KRAUT! DROP IT! HUH?

DROP IT! HUH? DROP IT!

HUH? DROP IT! ALL RIGHT, NOW, WOLINSKI?!

DROP IT! ALL RIGHT, NOW, WOLINSKI?! YEAH, SARGE?

ALL RIGHT, NOW, WOLINSKI?! YEAH, SARGE? WHO'S THE MANAGER OF THE

YEAH, SARGE? WHO'S THE MANAGER OF THE INDIANS?

WHO'S THE MANAGER OF THE INDIANS? I DON'T KNOW, SARGE.

INDIANS? I DON'T KNOW, SARGE. DROP IT! DROP IT!

I DON'T KNOW, SARGE. DROP IT! DROP IT! I CAN'T BELIEVE IT!

DROP IT! DROP IT! I CAN'T BELIEVE IT! MY OWN MEN... LOUSY JERRIES!

I CAN'T BELIEVE IT! MY OWN MEN... LOUSY JERRIES! I DON'T BELIEVE IT!

MY OWN MEN... LOUSY JERRIES! I DON'T BELIEVE IT! JUST GOES TO SHOW YOU CAN'T

I DON'T BELIEVE IT! JUST GOES TO SHOW YOU CAN'T TRUST ANYBODY!

JUST GOES TO SHOW YOU CAN'T TRUST ANYBODY! HEY, SERGEANT.

TRUST ANYBODY! HEY, SERGEANT. WHAT?

HEY, SERGEANT. WHAT? WELL, YOU MIND IF I ASK YOU

WHAT? WELL, YOU MIND IF I ASK YOU SOMETHIN'?

WELL, YOU MIND IF I ASK YOU SOMETHIN'? WHAT?

SOMETHIN'? WHAT? WHO IS THE MANAGER OF

WHAT? WHO IS THE MANAGER OF CLEVELAND, UH, THIS YEAR?

WHO IS THE MANAGER OF CLEVELAND, UH, THIS YEAR? IT'S, UH...

CLEVELAND, UH, THIS YEAR? IT'S, UH... UHHH...

IT'S, UH... UHHH... OH, NO.

UHHH... OH, NO. I'M A... KRAUT!

OH, NO. I'M A... KRAUT! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

Announcer: ONCE AGAIN, BILLY JOEL. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

BILLY JOEL. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] [INTRO TO "JUST THE WAY YOU

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] [INTRO TO "JUST THE WAY YOU ARE" PLAYS]

[INTRO TO "JUST THE WAY YOU ARE" PLAYS] ♪ DON'T GO CHANGING TO TRY

[ARE" PLAYS] ♪ DON'T GO CHANGING TO TRY AND PLEASE ME ♪

♪ DON'T GO CHANGING TO TRY AND PLEASE ME ♪ ♪ YOU NEVER LET ME DOWN BEFORE ♪

AND PLEASE ME ♪ ♪ YOU NEVER LET ME DOWN BEFORE ♪ ♪ MM-MM-MM ♪

♪ YOU NEVER LET ME DOWN BEFORE ♪ ♪ MM-MM-MM ♪ ♪ DON'T IMAGINE YOU'RE TOO

♪ MM-MM-MM ♪ ♪ DON'T IMAGINE YOU'RE TOO FAMILIAR ♪

♪ DON'T IMAGINE YOU'RE TOO FAMILIAR ♪ ♪ AND I DON'T SEE YOU ANYMORE ♪

FAMILIAR ♪ ♪ AND I DON'T SEE YOU ANYMORE ♪ ♪ I WOULD NOT LEAVE YOU IN TIMES

♪ AND I DON'T SEE YOU ANYMORE ♪ ♪ I WOULD NOT LEAVE YOU IN TIMES OF TROUBLE ♪

♪ I WOULD NOT LEAVE YOU IN TIMES OF TROUBLE ♪ ♪ WE NEVER COULD HAVE COME THIS

OF TROUBLE ♪ ♪ WE NEVER COULD HAVE COME THIS FAR ♪

♪ WE NEVER COULD HAVE COME THIS FAR ♪ ♪ MM-MM-MM ♪

FAR ♪ ♪ MM-MM-MM ♪ ♪ I TOOK THE GOOD TIMES ♪

♪ MM-MM-MM ♪ ♪ I TOOK THE GOOD TIMES ♪ ♪ I'LL TAKE THE BAD TIMES ♪

♪ I TOOK THE GOOD TIMES ♪ ♪ I'LL TAKE THE BAD TIMES ♪ ♪ I'LL TAKE YOU JUST THE WAY YOU

♪ I'LL TAKE THE BAD TIMES ♪ ♪ I'LL TAKE YOU JUST THE WAY YOU ARE ♪

♪ I'LL TAKE YOU JUST THE WAY YOU ARE ♪ ♪ DON'T GO TRYING SOME NEW

ARE ♪ ♪ DON'T GO TRYING SOME NEW FASHION ♪

♪ DON'T GO TRYING SOME NEW FASHION ♪ ♪ DON'T CHANGE THE COLOR OF YOUR

FASHION ♪ ♪ DON'T CHANGE THE COLOR OF YOUR HAIR ♪

♪ DON'T CHANGE THE COLOR OF YOUR HAIR ♪ ♪ MM-MM-MM ♪

HAIR ♪ ♪ MM-MM-MM ♪ ♪ YOU ALWAYS HAVE MY UNSPOKEN

♪ MM-MM-MM ♪ ♪ YOU ALWAYS HAVE MY UNSPOKEN PASSION ♪

♪ YOU ALWAYS HAVE MY UNSPOKEN PASSION ♪ ♪ ALTHOUGH I MIGHT NOT SEEM TO

PASSION ♪ ♪ ALTHOUGH I MIGHT NOT SEEM TO CARE ♪

♪ ALTHOUGH I MIGHT NOT SEEM TO CARE ♪ ♪ I DON'T WANT CLEVER

CARE ♪ ♪ I DON'T WANT CLEVER CONVERSATION ♪

♪ I DON'T WANT CLEVER CONVERSATION ♪ ♪ I NEVER WANT TO WORK THAT

CONVERSATION ♪ ♪ I NEVER WANT TO WORK THAT HARD ♪

♪ I NEVER WANT TO WORK THAT HARD ♪ ♪ MM-MM-MM ♪

HARD ♪ ♪ MM-MM-MM ♪ ♪ I JUST WANT SOMEONE THAT I CAN

♪ MM-MM-MM ♪ ♪ I JUST WANT SOMEONE THAT I CAN TALK TO ♪

♪ I JUST WANT SOMEONE THAT I CAN TALK TO ♪ ♪ I WANT YOU JUST THE WAY YOU

TALK TO ♪ ♪ I WANT YOU JUST THE WAY YOU ARE ♪

♪ I WANT YOU JUST THE WAY YOU ARE ♪ ♪ I NEED TO KNOW THAT YOU WILL

ARE ♪ ♪ I NEED TO KNOW THAT YOU WILL ALWAYS BE ♪

♪ I NEED TO KNOW THAT YOU WILL ALWAYS BE ♪ ♪ THE SAME OLD SOMEONE THAT I

ALWAYS BE ♪ ♪ THE SAME OLD SOMEONE THAT I KNEW ♪

♪ THE SAME OLD SOMEONE THAT I KNEW ♪ ♪ OH, WHAT WILL IT TAKE TILL YOU

KNEW ♪ ♪ OH, WHAT WILL IT TAKE TILL YOU BELIEVE IN ME ♪

♪ OH, WHAT WILL IT TAKE TILL YOU BELIEVE IN ME ♪ ♪ THE WAY THAT I BELIEVE IN

BELIEVE IN ME ♪ ♪ THE WAY THAT I BELIEVE IN YOU? ♪

♪ THE WAY THAT I BELIEVE IN YOU? ♪ ♪ I SAID I LOVE YOU ♪

YOU? ♪ ♪ I SAID I LOVE YOU ♪ ♪ THAT'S FOREVER ♪

♪ I SAID I LOVE YOU ♪ ♪ THAT'S FOREVER ♪ ♪ AND THIS I PROMISE FROM THE

♪ THAT'S FOREVER ♪ ♪ AND THIS I PROMISE FROM THE HEART ♪

♪ AND THIS I PROMISE FROM THE HEART ♪ ♪ MM-MM-MM ♪

HEART ♪ ♪ MM-MM-MM ♪ ♪ I COULDN'T LOVE YOU ANY

♪ MM-MM-MM ♪ ♪ I COULDN'T LOVE YOU ANY BETTER ♪

♪ I COULDN'T LOVE YOU ANY BETTER ♪ ♪ I LOVE YOU JUST THE WAY YOU

BETTER ♪ ♪ I LOVE YOU JUST THE WAY YOU ARE-E-E-E-E ♪

♪ I LOVE YOU JUST THE WAY YOU ARE-E-E-E-E ♪ ♪ RIGHT ♪

ARE-E-E-E-E ♪ ♪ RIGHT ♪ ♪ OH, OH, OH-OH-OH ♪

♪ RIGHT ♪ ♪ OH, OH, OH-OH-OH ♪ [SAXOPHONE SOLO PLAYS]

♪ I DON'T WANT CLEVER CONVERSATION, NO, NO ♪ ♪ I NEVER WANT TO WORK THAT

CONVERSATION, NO, NO ♪ ♪ I NEVER WANT TO WORK THAT HARD ♪

♪ I NEVER WANT TO WORK THAT HARD ♪ ♪ MM-MM-MM ♪

HARD ♪ ♪ MM-MM-MM ♪ ♪ I JUST WANT SOMEONE THAT I CAN

♪ MM-MM-MM ♪ ♪ I JUST WANT SOMEONE THAT I CAN TALK TO ♪

♪ I JUST WANT SOMEONE THAT I CAN TALK TO ♪ ♪ I WANT YOU JUST THE WAY YOU

TALK TO ♪ ♪ I WANT YOU JUST THE WAY YOU A-A-ARE, A-A-A-ARE, A-A-A-ARE ♪

♪ I WANT YOU JUST THE WAY YOU A-A-ARE, A-A-A-ARE, A-A-A-ARE ♪ ♪ HO-OH-OH-OH-OHH ♪

A-A-ARE, A-A-A-ARE, A-A-A-ARE ♪ ♪ HO-OH-OH-OH-OHH ♪ ♪ OH-OH-OH-OH-OH-OHHH ♪

♪ HO-OH-OH-OH-OHH ♪ ♪ OH-OH-OH-OH-OH-OHHH ♪ [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

[British accent] LOOK, HERE'S OUR CHARLIE'S ANGELS ON THE COVER OF TV GUIDE.

HERE'S OUR CHARLIE'S ANGELS ON THE COVER OF TV GUIDE. [British accent] OH, LOVELY

THE COVER OF TV GUIDE. [British accent] OH, LOVELY GIRL, THAT CHERYL LADD.

[British accent] OH, LOVELY GIRL, THAT CHERYL LADD. [British accent] LOVELY

GIRL, THAT CHERYL LADD. [British accent] LOVELY HAIR.

[British accent] LOVELY HAIR. LOVELY.

HAIR. LOVELY. MIND YOU, I DON'T PARTICULARLY

LOVELY. MIND YOU, I DON'T PARTICULARLY FANCY KATE'S HAIR.

MIND YOU, I DON'T PARTICULARLY FANCY KATE'S HAIR. IT IS A POOR SHOWING NEXT TO

FANCY KATE'S HAIR. IT IS A POOR SHOWING NEXT TO JACLYN AND CHERYL'S HAIR.

IT IS A POOR SHOWING NEXT TO JACLYN AND CHERYL'S HAIR. I DON'T SEE WILLIAM BOLSON

JACLYN AND CHERYL'S HAIR. I DON'T SEE WILLIAM BOLSON BEATING DOWN YOUR DOOR, DO I?

I DON'T SEE WILLIAM BOLSON BEATING DOWN YOUR DOOR, DO I? BESIDES, KATE'S HAIR CAN ACT.

BEATING DOWN YOUR DOOR, DO I? BESIDES, KATE'S HAIR CAN ACT. WELL, I MISS FARRAH'S HAIR.

BESIDES, KATE'S HAIR CAN ACT. WELL, I MISS FARRAH'S HAIR. IT HAD SO MUCH BODY.

WELL, I MISS FARRAH'S HAIR. IT HAD SO MUCH BODY. FARRAH'S HAIR HAD MORE BODY

IT HAD SO MUCH BODY. FARRAH'S HAIR HAD MORE BODY THAN HER BODY.

FARRAH'S HAIR HAD MORE BODY THAN HER BODY. ANYWAY, NONE OF THEM EVER HAD

THAN HER BODY. ANYWAY, NONE OF THEM EVER HAD THE MANGE, KNOCK ON WOOD.

ANYWAY, NONE OF THEM EVER HAD THE MANGE, KNOCK ON WOOD. MARK MY WORDS, ONE DAY

THE MANGE, KNOCK ON WOOD. MARK MY WORDS, ONE DAY THEY'LL CATCH THEIR DEATH OF

MARK MY WORDS, ONE DAY THEY'LL CATCH THEIR DEATH OF COLD RUNNING AFTER CRIMINALS

THEY'LL CATCH THEIR DEATH OF COLD RUNNING AFTER CRIMINALS WITH THEIR NINNIES JUMPING OUT

COLD RUNNING AFTER CRIMINALS WITH THEIR NINNIES JUMPING OUT OF THEIR T-SHIRTS.

WITH THEIR NINNIES JUMPING OUT OF THEIR T-SHIRTS. THEY OUGHT TO WRAP UP MORE.

OF THEIR T-SHIRTS. THEY OUGHT TO WRAP UP MORE. YES, IT'S NOT DECENT.

THEY OUGHT TO WRAP UP MORE. YES, IT'S NOT DECENT. MNH-MNH.

YES, IT'S NOT DECENT. MNH-MNH. LOVELY GIRLS, THOUGH.

MNH-MNH. LOVELY GIRLS, THOUGH. LOVELY T-SHIRTS.

LOVELY GIRLS, THOUGH. LOVELY T-SHIRTS. LOVELY NINNIES.

LOVELY T-SHIRTS. LOVELY NINNIES. LOVELY.

LOVELY NINNIES. LOVELY. [KNOCK ON DOOR]

LOVELY. [KNOCK ON DOOR] WHO IS IT? COME IN.

[KNOCK ON DOOR] WHO IS IT? COME IN. HEY, GIRLS, WE'RE RUNNING A

WHO IS IT? COME IN. HEY, GIRLS, WE'RE RUNNING A BIT LATE.

HEY, GIRLS, WE'RE RUNNING A BIT LATE. IT'S A VERY CUTE BIT, BUT...

BIT LATE. IT'S A VERY CUTE BIT, BUT... OH, LOOK, LOOK, LOOK...

IT'S A VERY CUTE BIT, BUT... OH, LOOK, LOOK, LOOK... IT'S... IT'S... IT'S OUR SON,

OH, LOOK, LOOK, LOOK... IT'S... IT'S... IT'S OUR SON, NIGEL.

IT'S... IT'S... IT'S OUR SON, NIGEL. OH, IT'S TIME FOR NIGEL'S

NIGEL. OH, IT'S TIME FOR NIGEL'S NAP.

OH, IT'S TIME FOR NIGEL'S NAP. GO TAKE YOUR NAP, NIGEL.

NAP. GO TAKE YOUR NAP, NIGEL. GO ON.

GO TAKE YOUR NAP, NIGEL. GO ON. GIRLS, YOU WANT TO WIND THIS

GO ON. GIRLS, YOU WANT TO WIND THIS UP?

GIRLS, YOU WANT TO WIND THIS UP? I HAD A LONG SPEECH PREPARED FOR

UP? I HAD A LONG SPEECH PREPARED FOR THE ENDING, AND THIS THING IS

I HAD A LONG SPEECH PREPARED FOR THE ENDING, AND THIS THING IS GETTING THAT WAY, AND IF YOU

THE ENDING, AND THIS THING IS GETTING THAT WAY, AND IF YOU DON'T MIND A LITTLE...

GETTING THAT WAY, AND IF YOU DON'T MIND A LITTLE... [Normal voice] GO AWAY,

DON'T MIND A LITTLE... [Normal voice] GO AWAY, CHEVY.

[Normal voice] GO AWAY, CHEVY. FROM A GUY WHO'S HAD HIS OWN

CHEVY. FROM A GUY WHO'S HAD HIS OWN SPECIAL, THIS PIECE IS GOING

FROM A GUY WHO'S HAD HIS OWN SPECIAL, THIS PIECE IS GOING NOWHERE, KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

SPECIAL, THIS PIECE IS GOING NOWHERE, KNOW WHAT I MEAN? NO FINISH.

NOWHERE, KNOW WHAT I MEAN? NO FINISH. CHEVY, WOULD YOU GO AWAY?

NO FINISH. CHEVY, WOULD YOU GO AWAY? HAVE YOU GOT A FINISH, AN

CHEVY, WOULD YOU GO AWAY? HAVE YOU GOT A FINISH, AN ENDING?

HAVE YOU GOT A FINISH, AN ENDING? YES, WELL, GARRETT COMES IN

ENDING? YES, WELL, GARRETT COMES IN AS THE ARCHBISHOP OF CANTERBURY

YES, WELL, GARRETT COMES IN AS THE ARCHBISHOP OF CANTERBURY AND WE HIT HIM WITH OUR PURSES.

AS THE ARCHBISHOP OF CANTERBURY AND WE HIT HIM WITH OUR PURSES. IT'S A REAL FUNNY ENDING.

AND WE HIT HIM WITH OUR PURSES. IT'S A REAL FUNNY ENDING. I DON'T THINK THAT ENDING'S

IT'S A REAL FUNNY ENDING. I DON'T THINK THAT ENDING'S GONNA WORK.

I DON'T THINK THAT ENDING'S GONNA WORK. IT'S STRANGE.

GONNA WORK. IT'S STRANGE. UH...

IT'S STRANGE. UH... I CAME OUT HERE, YOU KNOW, AND I

UH... I CAME OUT HERE, YOU KNOW, AND I HAD A FUNNY ENDING FOR YOU, AND

I CAME OUT HERE, YOU KNOW, AND I HAD A FUNNY ENDING FOR YOU, AND NOW I DON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED.

HAD A FUNNY ENDING FOR YOU, AND NOW I DON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED. I KNOW I'M HERE, BUT IT'S ALMOST

NOW I DON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED. I KNOW I'M HERE, BUT IT'S ALMOST AS IF THERE WAS NO WAY OUT OF

I KNOW I'M HERE, BUT IT'S ALMOST AS IF THERE WAS NO WAY OUT OF THIS SCENE.

AS IF THERE WAS NO WAY OUT OF THIS SCENE. I... I...

THIS SCENE. I... I... [THEME FROM "THE TWILIGHT ZONE"

I... I... [THEME FROM "THE TWILIGHT ZONE" PLAYS]

[THEME FROM "THE TWILIGHT ZONE" PLAYS] SUBMITTED FOR YOUR APPROVAL,

[PLAYS] SUBMITTED FOR YOUR APPROVAL, FOUR PERFORMERS TRAPPED IN A

SUBMITTED FOR YOUR APPROVAL, FOUR PERFORMERS TRAPPED IN A SCENE WITHOUT AN ENDING.

FOUR PERFORMERS TRAPPED IN A SCENE WITHOUT AN ENDING. WHAT DO THEY RESORT TO?

SCENE WITHOUT AN ENDING. WHAT DO THEY RESORT TO? THEY RESORT TO ME, A MAN WITH NO

WHAT DO THEY RESORT TO? THEY RESORT TO ME, A MAN WITH NO UPPER LIP BUT WITH AN

THEY RESORT TO ME, A MAN WITH NO UPPER LIP BUT WITH AN IMAGINATION THAT UNLOCKS DOORS,

UPPER LIP BUT WITH AN IMAGINATION THAT UNLOCKS DOORS, HOPING I'LL BAIL THEM OUT WITH

IMAGINATION THAT UNLOCKS DOORS, HOPING I'LL BAIL THEM OUT WITH THIS CHEAP ROD SERLING

HOPING I'LL BAIL THEM OUT WITH THIS CHEAP ROD SERLING IMPRESSION TO GIVE THIS SCENE AN

THIS CHEAP ROD SERLING IMPRESSION TO GIVE THIS SCENE AN ENDING IN "THE TWILIGHT ZONE."

IMPRESSION TO GIVE THIS SCENE AN ENDING IN "THE TWILIGHT ZONE." [DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS]

[Imitating Truman Capote] OH, ISN'T THAT MARVELOUS? I LOVE ROD SERLING.

OH, ISN'T THAT MARVELOUS? I LOVE ROD SERLING. I THINK HE'S WONDERFUL.

I LOVE ROD SERLING. I THINK HE'S WONDERFUL. HE'S SO MUCH LIKE PIRENDELLO.

I THINK HE'S WONDERFUL. HE'S SO MUCH LIKE PIRENDELLO. I LOVE A GOOD TWIST TO A STORY.

HE'S SO MUCH LIKE PIRENDELLO. I LOVE A GOOD TWIST TO A STORY. I THINK THAT WHAT WE'VE SEEN

I LOVE A GOOD TWIST TO A STORY. I THINK THAT WHAT WE'VE SEEN HERE PROVES DECISIVELY THAT HEAD

I THINK THAT WHAT WE'VE SEEN HERE PROVES DECISIVELY THAT HEAD HUMOR IS NOT DEAD.

HERE PROVES DECISIVELY THAT HEAD HUMOR IS NOT DEAD. WELL, THIS WRAPS UP ANOTHER

HUMOR IS NOT DEAD. WELL, THIS WRAPS UP ANOTHER EPISODE OF "BELUSHI'S CAPOTE

WELL, THIS WRAPS UP ANOTHER EPISODE OF "BELUSHI'S CAPOTE MIGHT BE THE ENDING WE'RE

EPISODE OF "BELUSHI'S CAPOTE MIGHT BE THE ENDING WE'RE LOOKING FOR."

MIGHT BE THE ENDING WE'RE LOOKING FOR." [LAUGHTER]

LOOKING FOR." [LAUGHTER] CUT, CUT, CUT, CUT!

[LAUGHTER] CUT, CUT, CUT, CUT! JOHN, BABY, I'M SORRY.

CUT, CUT, CUT, CUT! JOHN, BABY, I'M SORRY. YOUR CAPOTE WAS BEAUTIFUL.

JOHN, BABY, I'M SORRY. YOUR CAPOTE WAS BEAUTIFUL. IT WAS TERRIFIC.

YOUR CAPOTE WAS BEAUTIFUL. IT WAS TERRIFIC. YOU WERE GREAT, BUT YOU'RE NOT

IT WAS TERRIFIC. YOU WERE GREAT, BUT YOU'RE NOT WEARING ANY PANTS, DUDE.

YOU WERE GREAT, BUT YOU'RE NOT WEARING ANY PANTS, DUDE. [Normal voice] THAT'S THE

WEARING ANY PANTS, DUDE. [Normal voice] THAT'S THE ENDING.

[Normal voice] THAT'S THE ENDING. THAT'S THE FUNNY ENDING... I

ENDING. THAT'S THE FUNNY ENDING... I DON'T HAVE ANY PANTS ON.

THAT'S THE FUNNY ENDING... I DON'T HAVE ANY PANTS ON. IT'S KIND OF REAL ENGLISH.

DON'T HAVE ANY PANTS ON. IT'S KIND OF REAL ENGLISH. IT'S JUST, YOU KNOW... WE'RE

IT'S KIND OF REAL ENGLISH. IT'S JUST, YOU KNOW... WE'RE ALMOST OUT OF THE SCENE.

IT'S JUST, YOU KNOW... WE'RE ALMOST OUT OF THE SCENE. WELL, JOHN, THAT IS THE KIND

ALMOST OUT OF THE SCENE. WELL, JOHN, THAT IS THE KIND OF EXPERIMENTAL STUFF YOU CAN DO

WELL, JOHN, THAT IS THE KIND OF EXPERIMENTAL STUFF YOU CAN DO ON YOUR OWN PROGRAM, ALL RIGHT?

OF EXPERIMENTAL STUFF YOU CAN DO ON YOUR OWN PROGRAM, ALL RIGHT? I'M SORRY, BUT I CAN'T LIVE WITH

ON YOUR OWN PROGRAM, ALL RIGHT? I'M SORRY, BUT I CAN'T LIVE WITH THOSE LEGS.

I'M SORRY, BUT I CAN'T LIVE WITH THOSE LEGS. IT IS A WRAP ON THE UNDERWEAR

THOSE LEGS. IT IS A WRAP ON THE UNDERWEAR LOOK, OKAY?

IT IS A WRAP ON THE UNDERWEAR LOOK, OKAY? WARDROBE!

LOOK, OKAY? WARDROBE! PUT HIM INTO SOMETHING.

WARDROBE! PUT HIM INTO SOMETHING. [INDISTINCT SHOUTING]

PUT HIM INTO SOMETHING. [INDISTINCT SHOUTING] [British accent] OH, LOOK

[INDISTINCT SHOUTING] [British accent] OH, LOOK HERE.

[British accent] OH, LOOK HERE. WHAT'S THIS RIGHT HERE?

HERE. WHAT'S THIS RIGHT HERE? WHAT CAN WE DO FOR YOU,

WHAT'S THIS RIGHT HERE? WHAT CAN WE DO FOR YOU, DUCKIE?

WHAT CAN WE DO FOR YOU, DUCKIE? JUST STEP INTO THESE.

DUCKIE? JUST STEP INTO THESE. HEY, WAIT A MINUTE.

JUST STEP INTO THESE. HEY, WAIT A MINUTE. HEY. COME ON.

HEY, WAIT A MINUTE. HEY. COME ON. ARE YOU A BUNCH OF TOTAL

HEY. COME ON. ARE YOU A BUNCH OF TOTAL LAME-Os?

ARE YOU A BUNCH OF TOTAL LAME-Os? WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?

LAME-Os? WHAT'S GOING ON HERE? THERE IS NO ENDING TO THIS

WHAT'S GOING ON HERE? THERE IS NO ENDING TO THIS SCENE.

THERE IS NO ENDING TO THIS SCENE. THERE'S ONLY ONE WAY OUT OF THIS

SCENE. THERE'S ONLY ONE WAY OUT OF THIS SCENE, AND THAT'S TO HAVE A

THERE'S ONLY ONE WAY OUT OF THIS SCENE, AND THAT'S TO HAVE A HEART ATTA...

SCENE, AND THAT'S TO HAVE A HEART ATTA... [GROANS]

HEART ATTA... [GROANS] SMOOTH MOVE, JOHN.

[GROANS] SMOOTH MOVE, JOHN. HEART ATTACK. GREAT.

SMOOTH MOVE, JOHN. HEART ATTACK. GREAT. I'M GONNA HAVE TO CATCH YOU

HEART ATTACK. GREAT. I'M GONNA HAVE TO CATCH YOU GIRLS LATER.

I'M GONNA HAVE TO CATCH YOU GIRLS LATER. [GROANING]

GIRLS LATER. [GROANING] [Normal voice] OH, THAT'S

[GROANING] [Normal voice] OH, THAT'S REAL GREAT FOR THE GUYS, BUT

[Normal voice] OH, THAT'S REAL GREAT FOR THE GUYS, BUT WOMEN HAVE A LOWER INCIDENCE OF

REAL GREAT FOR THE GUYS, BUT WOMEN HAVE A LOWER INCIDENCE OF HEAR... [GROANS]

WOMEN HAVE A LOWER INCIDENCE OF HEAR... [GROANS] [Normal voice] OH, NO, YOU

HEAR... [GROANS] [Normal voice] OH, NO, YOU GUYS AREN'T GONNA SLEAZE OUT OF

[Normal voice] OH, NO, YOU GUYS AREN'T GONNA SLEAZE OUT OF THIS SCENE ON ME? [GROANS]

GUYS AREN'T GONNA SLEAZE OUT OF THIS SCENE ON ME? [GROANS] [Normal voice] AND NOW A

THIS SCENE ON ME? [GROANS] [Normal voice] AND NOW A FILM MY GARRETT WAAH!

[Normal voice] AND NOW A FILM MY GARRETT WAAH! [DOORBELL RINGS]

FILM MY GARRETT WAAH! [DOORBELL RINGS] MRS. BALDWIN?

[DOORBELL RINGS] MRS. BALDWIN? [DOORBELL RINGS]

MRS. BALDWIN? [DOORBELL RINGS] MRS. FALLCHAMBER?

[DOORBELL RINGS] MRS. FALLCHAMBER? WHO IS IT?

MRS. FALLCHAMBER? WHO IS IT? MRS. EARLES?

WHO IS IT? MRS. EARLES? WHAT?

MRS. EARLES? WHAT? WHAT?

WHAT? WHAT? MRS. ORFLEWAIT?

WHAT? MRS. ORFLEWAIT? THERE'S NO MRS. ORFLEWAIT

MRS. ORFLEWAIT? THERE'S NO MRS. ORFLEWAIT HERE.

THERE'S NO MRS. ORFLEWAIT HERE. WHAT DO YOU WANT?

HERE. WHAT DO YOU WANT? CANDYGRAM.

WHAT DO YOU WANT? CANDYGRAM. WE'RE ON DIETS.

CANDYGRAM. WE'RE ON DIETS. UH, GO AWAY.

WE'RE ON DIETS. UH, GO AWAY. UM, YOUR LIMOUSINE IS READY,

UH, GO AWAY. UM, YOUR LIMOUSINE IS READY, MA'AM.

UM, YOUR LIMOUSINE IS READY, MA'AM. WE DIDN'T ORDER ANY

MA'AM. WE DIDN'T ORDER ANY LIMOUSINE.

WE DIDN'T ORDER ANY LIMOUSINE. UM, FUNNY ENDING FOR SCENE,

LIMOUSINE. UM, FUNNY ENDING FOR SCENE, MA'AM.

UM, FUNNY ENDING FOR SCENE, MA'AM. All: COME ON IN!

MA'AM. All: COME ON IN! [SCREAMING]

All: COME ON IN! [SCREAMING] [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

HEEEEY. WHAT'S HAPPENING? I GUESS I'M A LITTLE LATE, HUH?

WHAT'S HAPPENING? I GUESS I'M A LITTLE LATE, HUH? 'CAUSE THERE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE

I GUESS I'M A LITTLE LATE, HUH? 'CAUSE THERE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE SOME WHITE FOLKS BACK HERE,

'CAUSE THERE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE SOME WHITE FOLKS BACK HERE, RIGHT?

SOME WHITE FOLKS BACK HERE, RIGHT? SO, I GUESS I'LL JUST ♪ SHUFFLE

RIGHT? SO, I GUESS I'LL JUST ♪ SHUFFLE OFF TO BUFFLE ♪

SO, I GUESS I'LL JUST ♪ SHUFFLE OFF TO BUFFLE ♪ ♪ SHUFFLE OFF TO BUFFLE ♪

OFF TO BUFFLE ♪ ♪ SHUFFLE OFF TO BUFFLE ♪ ♪ SHUFFLE OFF TO BUFFALO-OH-OH ♪

♪ SHUFFLE OFF TO BUFFLE ♪ ♪ SHUFFLE OFF TO BUFFALO-OH-OH ♪ ARIZY-ARIZY-ARIZY THAT'S ALL,

♪ SHUFFLE OFF TO BUFFALO-OH-OH ♪ ARIZY-ARIZY-ARIZY THAT'S ALL, FOLKS.

ARIZY-ARIZY-ARIZY THAT'S ALL, FOLKS. WELL, GOOD NIGHT, EVERYBODY.

FOLKS. WELL, GOOD NIGHT, EVERYBODY. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

UM, IT WAS VERY MUCH FUN TO BE BACK. GOOD NIGHT, EVERYBODY.

BACK. GOOD NIGHT, EVERYBODY. THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

GOOD NIGHT, EVERYBODY. THANK YOU VERY MUCH. [APPLAUSE]

THANK YOU VERY MUCH. [APPLAUSE] [BAND PLAYS]