Original subtitles

Announcer: WILL NOT BE SEEN TONIGHT SO THAT NBC MAY PRESENT THE FOLLOWING SPECIAL

SEEN TONIGHT SO THAT NBC MAY PRESENT THE FOLLOWING SPECIAL PROGRAM.

THIS IS WASHINGTON

CORRESPONDENT BARRY POTTER HERE

AT THE CAPITAL.

THE HOUSE DOORKEEPER IS ABOUT TO

ANNOUNCE THE PRESIDENT, AS WE GO

TO THE FLOOR.

MR. SPEAKER, THE PRESIDENT OF

THE UNITED STATES!

THE PRESIDENT IS ENTERING THE CHAMBER. HE'S SMILING, OBVIOUSLY VERY

CHAMBER. HE'S SMILING, OBVIOUSLY VERY HAPPY HE'S STILL PRESIDENT.

HE'S SMILING, OBVIOUSLY VERY HAPPY HE'S STILL PRESIDENT. THE CONGRESSMEN FROM BOTH SIDES

HAPPY HE'S STILL PRESIDENT. THE CONGRESSMEN FROM BOTH SIDES OF THE AISLE ARE STANDING AND

THE CONGRESSMEN FROM BOTH SIDES OF THE AISLE ARE STANDING AND APPLAUDING, AS IS TRADITIONAL

OF THE AISLE ARE STANDING AND APPLAUDING, AS IS TRADITIONAL FOR EVEN THE MOST DISRESPECTED

APPLAUDING, AS IS TRADITIONAL FOR EVEN THE MOST DISRESPECTED AND INCOMPETENT OF PRESIDENTS.

FOR EVEN THE MOST DISRESPECTED AND INCOMPETENT OF PRESIDENTS. MR. CARTER NOW HAS REACHED THE

AND INCOMPETENT OF PRESIDENTS. MR. CARTER NOW HAS REACHED THE PODIUM, AND THE SPEAKER OF THE

MR. CARTER NOW HAS REACHED THE PODIUM, AND THE SPEAKER OF THE HOUSE SHOULD ANNOUNCE HIM.

PODIUM, AND THE SPEAKER OF THE HOUSE SHOULD ANNOUNCE HIM. HERE HE IS, LADIES AND

HOUSE SHOULD ANNOUNCE HIM. HERE HE IS, LADIES AND GENTLEMAN... THE PRESIDENT OF

HERE HE IS, LADIES AND GENTLEMAN... THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES!

GENTLEMAN... THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES! [APPLAUSE]

THANK YOU, MR. VICE PRESIDENT, MR. SPEAKER, MEMBERS OF THE 95th CONGRESS,

MR. VICE PRESIDENT, MR. SPEAKER, MEMBERS OF THE 95th CONGRESS, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

MEMBERS OF THE 95th CONGRESS, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN. TWO YEARS AGO TODAY, WE HELD THE

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN. TWO YEARS AGO TODAY, WE HELD THE FIRST CAUCUS IN IOWA, AND ONE

TWO YEARS AGO TODAY, WE HELD THE FIRST CAUCUS IN IOWA, AND ONE YEAR AGO TOMORROW, I'LL WALK

FIRST CAUCUS IN IOWA, AND ONE YEAR AGO TOMORROW, I'LL WALK FROM HERE TO THE WHITE HOUSE TO

YEAR AGO TOMORROW, I'LL WALK FROM HERE TO THE WHITE HOUSE TO TAKE UP DUTIES OF THE PRESIDENT

FROM HERE TO THE WHITE HOUSE TO TAKE UP DUTIES OF THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES.

TAKE UP DUTIES OF THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES. SINCE I HOPE TO DO THE SAME IN

OF THE UNITED STATES. SINCE I HOPE TO DO THE SAME IN 1981, YOU CAN BE SURE THAT I'M

SINCE I HOPE TO DO THE SAME IN 1981, YOU CAN BE SURE THAT I'M GONNA STAND BEFORE YOU TODAY AND

1981, YOU CAN BE SURE THAT I'M GONNA STAND BEFORE YOU TODAY AND TELL YOU THE STATE OF THE UNION

GONNA STAND BEFORE YOU TODAY AND TELL YOU THE STATE OF THE UNION IS SOUND.

TELL YOU THE STATE OF THE UNION IS SOUND. [APPLAUSE]

THIS YEAR, OUR COUNTRY WILL HAVE

THE FIRST $2-TRILLION ECONOMY IN

THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD.

WHAT DO I MEAN BY THAT? I MEAN 1,000 MILLION IS A BILLION, AND 1,000 BILLION IS A

I MEAN 1,000 MILLION IS A BILLION, AND 1,000 BILLION IS A TRILLION.

BILLION, AND 1,000 BILLION IS A TRILLION. $2 TRILLION IS $2,000-BILLION,

TRILLION. $2 TRILLION IS $2,000-BILLION, AND I BELIEVE THAT'S A LOT OF

$2 TRILLION IS $2,000-BILLION, AND I BELIEVE THAT'S A LOT OF MONEY.

AND I BELIEVE THAT'S A LOT OF MONEY. THIS RESOURCE WILL PROVIDE A

MONEY. THIS RESOURCE WILL PROVIDE A TRADE BALANCE AND, IN TURN,

THIS RESOURCE WILL PROVIDE A TRADE BALANCE AND, IN TURN, BALANCE IT AGAINST THE PRESSURES

TRADE BALANCE AND, IN TURN, BALANCE IT AGAINST THE PRESSURES OF AN EVER-BALANCING

BALANCE IT AGAINST THE PRESSURES OF AN EVER-BALANCING DOMESTIC-ECONOMY BALANCE.

WE HOPE TO CREATE GROWTH

INCENTIVES FOR LIGHT INDUSTRY

IN JOB-CREATING AREAS, LIKE THE

MANUFACTURE OF DISPOSABLE

CIGARETTE LIGHTERS, DISPOSABLE

RAZORS, AND CHEAP PAPERBACK

ROMANCES.

WE'RE A GREAT COUNTRY, A STRONG

COUNTRY, A VITAL AND DYNAMIC

COUNTRY, AND SO WE WILL REMAIN.

WE'RE A CONFIDENT PEOPLE, A

HARD-WORKING PEOPLE, A DECENT

AND COMPASSIONATE PEOPLE, AND SO

WE WILL REMAIN.

WE'RE A COLD, HUNGRY, AND

UNEMPLOYED PEOPLE, AND SO WE

WILL REMAIN.

THOSE OF YOU WHO ARE UNEMPLOYED

MUST HAVE JOBS.

JOBS ARE A BASIC HUMAN NEED.

THEREFORE, YOU NEED JOBS.

IT IS THE ATTENTION OF THIS

ADMINISTRATION TO INITIATE

DYNAMIC PROGRAMS OF THE YOUNG,

PROGRAMS FOR THE YOUNG AND

DISADVANTAGED, SPECIFICALLY A

PROGRAM OF T-SHIRT DISTRIBUTION

FOR THE YOUNG AND DISADVANTAGED.

THEY'RE SIGNED BY MY SON CHIP.

THESE WILL HELP THEM HELP

THEMSELVES BECOME MORE VISIBLE.

WE COME TOGETHER TONIGHT. WE MOURN THE LOSS OF A GREAT MAN, SENATOR HUBERT HUMPHREY,

WE MOURN THE LOSS OF A GREAT MAN, SENATOR HUBERT HUMPHREY, WHO TAUGHT US THAT WE'RE A

MAN, SENATOR HUBERT HUMPHREY, WHO TAUGHT US THAT WE'RE A COMMUNITY AND ALL OUR FATES ARE

WHO TAUGHT US THAT WE'RE A COMMUNITY AND ALL OUR FATES ARE LINKED.

COMMUNITY AND ALL OUR FATES ARE LINKED. YOU, THE PEOPLE, AND I, YOUR

LINKED. YOU, THE PEOPLE, AND I, YOUR PRESIDENT, HAVE OUR FUTURES

YOU, THE PEOPLE, AND I, YOUR PRESIDENT, HAVE OUR FUTURES INTERTWINED.

PRESIDENT, HAVE OUR FUTURES INTERTWINED. I'M SORRY, BUT THAT'S THE WAY IT

INTERTWINED. I'M SORRY, BUT THAT'S THE WAY IT IS FOR AWHILE.

I'M SORRY, BUT THAT'S THE WAY IT IS FOR AWHILE. WE HAVE NO CHOICE BUT TO ACT IN

IS FOR AWHILE. WE HAVE NO CHOICE BUT TO ACT IN THAT KNOWLEDGE AND SPIRIT

WE HAVE NO CHOICE BUT TO ACT IN THAT KNOWLEDGE AND SPIRIT TOGETHER, AND, AS THE BIBLE

THAT KNOWLEDGE AND SPIRIT TOGETHER, AND, AS THE BIBLE SAYS, WE CAN MOVE MOUNTAINS.

TOGETHER, AND, AS THE BIBLE SAYS, WE CAN MOVE MOUNTAINS. THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

SAYS, WE CAN MOVE MOUNTAINS. THANK YOU VERY MUCH. I HAVE NOTHING ELSE TO SAY BUT

THANK YOU VERY MUCH. I HAVE NOTHING ELSE TO SAY BUT LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S

I HAVE NOTHING ELSE TO SAY BUT LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S "SATURDAY NIGHT"!

LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S "SATURDAY NIGHT"! [BAND PLAYS]

Announcer: IT'S "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE"... STARRING...

WITH HIS SPECIAL GUEST...

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, STEVE MARTIN! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] FOR ME? OH, NO, NO!

FOR ME? OH, NO, NO! HEY!

OH, NO, NO! HEY! ♪ I'VE GOT MUSIC ♪

HEY! ♪ I'VE GOT MUSIC ♪ ♪ I GOT RHY-HY-THM! ♪

♪ I'VE GOT MUSIC ♪ ♪ I GOT RHY-HY-THM! ♪ [LAUGHTER]

♪ I GOT RHY-HY-THM! ♪ [LAUGHTER] OKAY, WELCOME TO "SATURDAY

[LAUGHTER] OKAY, WELCOME TO "SATURDAY NIGHT," WITH THE

OKAY, WELCOME TO "SATURDAY NIGHT," WITH THE NOT-READY-FOR-PRIME-TIME

NIGHT," WITH THE NOT-READY-FOR-PRIME-TIME PLAYERS AND THE DIRT BAND.

NOT-READY-FOR-PRIME-TIME PLAYERS AND THE DIRT BAND. THERE WAS A BIG SNOWSTORM IN

PLAYERS AND THE DIRT BAND. THERE WAS A BIG SNOWSTORM IN NEW YORK YESTERDAY.

THERE WAS A BIG SNOWSTORM IN NEW YORK YESTERDAY. WE DID NOT GET TO REHEARSE AT

NEW YORK YESTERDAY. WE DID NOT GET TO REHEARSE AT ALL.

WE DID NOT GET TO REHEARSE AT ALL. THAT'S NEVER STOPPED US BEFORE,

ALL. THAT'S NEVER STOPPED US BEFORE, HUH?

THAT'S NEVER STOPPED US BEFORE, HUH? [LAUGHTER]

HUH? [LAUGHTER] AND I'M EXCITED.

[LAUGHTER] AND I'M EXCITED. WE HAVE RANDY NEWMAN ON THE

AND I'M EXCITED. WE HAVE RANDY NEWMAN ON THE SHOW, AND I...

WE HAVE RANDY NEWMAN ON THE SHOW, AND I... [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

SHOW, AND I... [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] I MET...

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] I MET... I MET RANDY NEWMAN, AND YOU

I MET... I MET RANDY NEWMAN, AND YOU KNOW HE'S ONLY ABOUT THIS BIG?

I MET RANDY NEWMAN, AND YOU KNOW HE'S ONLY ABOUT THIS BIG? ANYWAY, IT'S GREAT TO C...

KNOW HE'S ONLY ABOUT THIS BIG? ANYWAY, IT'S GREAT TO C... HEY, WAIT A MINUTE!

ANYWAY, IT'S GREAT TO C... HEY, WAIT A MINUTE! I HAD $50 IN HERE!

HEY, WAIT A MINUTE! I HAD $50 IN HERE! AND IT'S GONE!

I HAD $50 IN HERE! AND IT'S GONE! WAIT A MINUTE!

AND IT'S GONE! WAIT A MINUTE! I HAD... I HAD THE $50... THIS

WAIT A MINUTE! I HAD... I HAD THE $50... THIS WAS MY NEW YORK MONEY, AND

I HAD... I HAD THE $50... THIS WAS MY NEW YORK MONEY, AND IT'S... I HAD IT BACK IN THE

WAS MY NEW YORK MONEY, AND IT'S... I HAD IT BACK IN THE DRESSING ROOM.

IT'S... I HAD IT BACK IN THE DRESSING ROOM. JOHN BELUSHI WAS BACK THERE.

DRESSING ROOM. JOHN BELUSHI WAS BACK THERE. I WENT BACK TO THE M...

JOHN BELUSHI WAS BACK THERE. I WENT BACK TO THE M... JOHN BELUSHI STOLE MY $50!

I WENT BACK TO THE M... JOHN BELUSHI STOLE MY $50! I HAD IT RIGHT HERE!

JOHN BELUSHI STOLE MY $50! I HAD IT RIGHT HERE! THIS WAS MY MONEY FOR THE... I

I HAD IT RIGHT HERE! THIS WAS MY MONEY FOR THE... I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS, THAT HE

THIS WAS MY MONEY FOR THE... I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS, THAT HE WOULD ACTUALLY STEAL $50!

CAN'T BELIEVE THIS, THAT HE WOULD ACTUALLY STEAL $50! WHERE IS HE?

WOULD ACTUALLY STEAL $50! WHERE IS HE? WHERE... THIS BOTHERS ME!

WHERE IS HE? WHERE... THIS BOTHERS ME! I'M SORRY.

WHERE... THIS BOTHERS ME! I'M SORRY. JUST HOLD IT JUST FOR A...

I'M SORRY. JUST HOLD IT JUST FOR A... THERE! YOU! YOU!

JUST HOLD IT JUST FOR A... THERE! YOU! YOU! YOU STOLE MY $50!

THERE! YOU! YOU! YOU STOLE MY $50! I'M SURE!

YOU STOLE MY $50! I'M SURE! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

I'M SURE! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] NO, HOLD IT!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] NO, HOLD IT! STOP!

NO, HOLD IT! STOP! I GOT TO GET READY FOR

STOP! I GOT TO GET READY FOR ANOTHER SCENE.

I GOT TO GET READY FOR ANOTHER SCENE. NO, THIS KIND OF BUGS ME!

ANOTHER SCENE. NO, THIS KIND OF BUGS ME! YOU WERE IN MY DRESSING ROOM.

NO, THIS KIND OF BUGS ME! YOU WERE IN MY DRESSING ROOM. I WENT TO MAKEUP.

YOU WERE IN MY DRESSING ROOM. I WENT TO MAKEUP. THESE PANTS WERE IN HERE, AND

I WENT TO MAKEUP. THESE PANTS WERE IN HERE, AND THIS WAS WHERE THE $50 WAS.

THESE PANTS WERE IN HERE, AND THIS WAS WHERE THE $50 WAS. SO, YOU STOLE IT! I'M SORRY!

THIS WAS WHERE THE $50 WAS. SO, YOU STOLE IT! I'M SORRY! NOW, GET OUT OF HERE! GO ON!

SO, YOU STOLE IT! I'M SORRY! NOW, GET OUT OF HERE! GO ON! NO, I'M SORRY!

NOW, GET OUT OF HERE! GO ON! NO, I'M SORRY! THAT JUST BOTHERS ME!

NO, I'M SORRY! THAT JUST BOTHERS ME! NO, I MEAN, THAT BOTHERS ME!

THAT JUST BOTHERS ME! NO, I MEAN, THAT BOTHERS ME! I KNOW I HAD THE $50 IN HERE

NO, I MEAN, THAT BOTHERS ME! I KNOW I HAD THE $50 IN HERE BECAUSE I NEVER PUT MY MONEY IN

I KNOW I HAD THE $50 IN HERE BECAUSE I NEVER PUT MY MONEY IN THIS POCK...

BECAUSE I NEVER PUT MY MONEY IN THIS POCK... OKAY.

THIS POCK... OKAY. [APPLAUSE]

OKAY. [APPLAUSE] SORRY.

[APPLAUSE] SORRY. I'M SORRY.

SORRY. I'M SORRY. I'M JUST IN A... I'M IN BAD MOOD

I'M SORRY. I'M JUST IN A... I'M IN BAD MOOD TONIGHT, JUST...

I'M JUST IN A... I'M IN BAD MOOD TONIGHT, JUST... THIS WHOLE PUBLICITY THING.

TONIGHT, JUST... THIS WHOLE PUBLICITY THING. MY LIFE HAS CHANGED SO MUCH SO

THIS WHOLE PUBLICITY THING. MY LIFE HAS CHANGED SO MUCH SO FAST WITH THIS.

MY LIFE HAS CHANGED SO MUCH SO FAST WITH THIS. I MEAN, WHAT HAPPENED TO PRIVATE

FAST WITH THIS. I MEAN, WHAT HAPPENED TO PRIVATE LIVES?

I MEAN, WHAT HAPPENED TO PRIVATE LIVES? DON'T I GET TO HAVE A PRIVATE

LIVES? DON'T I GET TO HAVE A PRIVATE LIFE ANYMORE?

DON'T I GET TO HAVE A PRIVATE LIFE ANYMORE? I MEAN, THE THINGS THEY'RE

LIFE ANYMORE? I MEAN, THE THINGS THEY'RE WRITING ABOUT ME NOW... I

I MEAN, THE THINGS THEY'RE WRITING ABOUT ME NOW... I JUST... I READ A THING IN

WRITING ABOUT ME NOW... I JUST... I READ A THING IN NATIONAL ENQUIRER THIS MORNING

JUST... I READ A THING IN NATIONAL ENQUIRER THIS MORNING THAT I COULD NOT BELIEVE.

NATIONAL ENQUIRER THIS MORNING THAT I COULD NOT BELIEVE. I MEAN, SO WHAT IF I HAVE THIS

THAT I COULD NOT BELIEVE. I MEAN, SO WHAT IF I HAVE THIS THING ON MY WIENIE?

I MEAN, SO WHAT IF I HAVE THIS THING ON MY WIENIE? [LAUGHTER]

THING ON MY WIENIE? [LAUGHTER] [SCOFFS]

[LAUGHTER] [SCOFFS] OH!

[SCOFFS] OH! [Czech accent] OH, NO!

OH! [Czech accent] OH, NO! I'VE SPILLED WATER! OH, BOY!

[Czech accent] OH, NO! I'VE SPILLED WATER! OH, BOY! [Normal voice] OKAY, YOU

I'VE SPILLED WATER! OH, BOY! [Normal voice] OKAY, YOU KNOW...

[Normal voice] OKAY, YOU KNOW... [ELECTRICITY ZAPPING]

KNOW... [ELECTRICITY ZAPPING] [BREATHING HEAVILY]

[ELECTRICITY ZAPPING] [BREATHING HEAVILY] [ELECTRICITY ZAPPING]

YOU... CAN BE A MILLIONAIRE... AND NEVER PAY TAXES! YOU CAN BE A MILLIONAIRE AND

AND NEVER PAY TAXES! YOU CAN BE A MILLIONAIRE AND NEVER PAY TAXES!

YOU CAN BE A MILLIONAIRE AND NEVER PAY TAXES! YOU SAY, "STEVE...

NEVER PAY TAXES! YOU SAY, "STEVE... HOW CAN I BE A MILLIONAIRE AND

YOU SAY, "STEVE... HOW CAN I BE A MILLIONAIRE AND NEVER PAY TAXES?"

HOW CAN I BE A MILLIONAIRE AND NEVER PAY TAXES?" FIRST, GET A MILLION DOLLARS.

NEVER PAY TAXES?" FIRST, GET A MILLION DOLLARS. NOW...

FIRST, GET A MILLION DOLLARS. NOW... YOU SAY, "STEVE, WHAT DO I SAY

NOW... YOU SAY, "STEVE, WHAT DO I SAY TO THE TAX MAN WHEN HE COMES TO

YOU SAY, "STEVE, WHAT DO I SAY TO THE TAX MAN WHEN HE COMES TO MY DOOR AND SAYS, 'YOU HAVE

TO THE TAX MAN WHEN HE COMES TO MY DOOR AND SAYS, 'YOU HAVE NEVER PAID TAXES'?"

MY DOOR AND SAYS, 'YOU HAVE NEVER PAID TAXES'?" TWO SIMPLE WORDS.

NEVER PAID TAXES'?" TWO SIMPLE WORDS. TWO SIMPLE WORDS IN THE ENGLISH

TWO SIMPLE WORDS. TWO SIMPLE WORDS IN THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE...

TWO SIMPLE WORDS IN THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE... "I FORGOT!"

LANGUAGE... "I FORGOT!" HOW MANY TIMES DO WE LET

"I FORGOT!" HOW MANY TIMES DO WE LET OURSELVES GET INTO TERRIBLE

HOW MANY TIMES DO WE LET OURSELVES GET INTO TERRIBLE SITUATIONS BECAUSE WE DON'T SAY,

OURSELVES GET INTO TERRIBLE SITUATIONS BECAUSE WE DON'T SAY, "I FORGOT"?

SITUATIONS BECAUSE WE DON'T SAY, "I FORGOT"? LET'S SAY YOU'RE ON TRIAL FOR

"I FORGOT"? LET'S SAY YOU'RE ON TRIAL FOR ARMED ROBBERY.

LET'S SAY YOU'RE ON TRIAL FOR ARMED ROBBERY. YOU SAY TO THE JUDGE, "I FORGOT

ARMED ROBBERY. YOU SAY TO THE JUDGE, "I FORGOT ARMED ROBBERY WAS ILLEGAL."

YOU SAY TO THE JUDGE, "I FORGOT ARMED ROBBERY WAS ILLEGAL." LET'S SUPPOSE HE SAYS BACK TO

ARMED ROBBERY WAS ILLEGAL." LET'S SUPPOSE HE SAYS BACK TO YOU, "YOU HAVE COMMITTED A FOUL

LET'S SUPPOSE HE SAYS BACK TO YOU, "YOU HAVE COMMITTED A FOUL CRIME.

YOU, "YOU HAVE COMMITTED A FOUL CRIME. YOU HAVE STOLEN HUNDREDS AND

CRIME. YOU HAVE STOLEN HUNDREDS AND THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS FROM PEOPLE

YOU HAVE STOLEN HUNDREDS AND THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS FROM PEOPLE AT RANDOM, AND YOU SAY, 'I

THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS FROM PEOPLE AT RANDOM, AND YOU SAY, 'I FORGOT'?"

AT RANDOM, AND YOU SAY, 'I FORGOT'?" TWO SIMPLE WORDS...

FORGOT'?" TWO SIMPLE WORDS... "EXCU-U-U-SE ME!"

TWO SIMPLE WORDS... "EXCU-U-U-SE ME!" [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

"EXCU-U-U-SE ME!" [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK AFTER THESE

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK AFTER THESE WORDS!

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK AFTER THESE WORDS! GOODBYE!

WORDS! GOODBYE! WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK!

AS A SALESMAN, I DO A LOT OF TRAVELING, SO WHEN IT COMES TO LUNCH, I GRAB WHAT I CAN,

TRAVELING, SO WHEN IT COMES TO LUNCH, I GRAB WHAT I CAN, USUALLY ON THE RUN.

LUNCH, I GRAB WHAT I CAN, USUALLY ON THE RUN. AND WHEN I WANT MINERAL WATER, I

USUALLY ON THE RUN. AND WHEN I WANT MINERAL WATER, I KEEP IT SIMPLE AND I KEEP IT

AND WHEN I WANT MINERAL WATER, I KEEP IT SIMPLE AND I KEEP IT DOMESTIC.

KEEP IT SIMPLE AND I KEEP IT DOMESTIC. I DRINK SWILL...

DOMESTIC. I DRINK SWILL... THE WATER THAT'S DREDGED FROM

I DRINK SWILL... THE WATER THAT'S DREDGED FROM LAKE ERIE.

THE WATER THAT'S DREDGED FROM LAKE ERIE. NOTHING'S ADDED TO SWILL.

LAKE ERIE. NOTHING'S ADDED TO SWILL. IT COMES STRAIGHT FROM THE LAKE

NOTHING'S ADDED TO SWILL. IT COMES STRAIGHT FROM THE LAKE TO YOU.

IT COMES STRAIGHT FROM THE LAKE TO YOU. MAYBE YOU THOUGHT ONLY EUROPEAN

TO YOU. MAYBE YOU THOUGHT ONLY EUROPEAN COUNTRIES HAD MINERAL WATER, BUT

MAYBE YOU THOUGHT ONLY EUROPEAN COUNTRIES HAD MINERAL WATER, BUT LET ME TELL YOU... WE BOTTLE

COUNTRIES HAD MINERAL WATER, BUT LET ME TELL YOU... WE BOTTLE SOME PRETTY SPECIAL WATER RIGHT

LET ME TELL YOU... WE BOTTLE SOME PRETTY SPECIAL WATER RIGHT HERE IN AMERICA.

SOME PRETTY SPECIAL WATER RIGHT HERE IN AMERICA. YEAH. AMERICA.

HERE IN AMERICA. YEAH. AMERICA. WATER WITH A CHARACTER ALL ITS

YEAH. AMERICA. WATER WITH A CHARACTER ALL ITS OWN.

WATER WITH A CHARACTER ALL ITS OWN. SWILL'S REFRESHING, SWILL'S LOW

OWN. SWILL'S REFRESHING, SWILL'S LOW IN CALORIES, AND SWILL HELPS

SWILL'S REFRESHING, SWILL'S LOW IN CALORIES, AND SWILL HELPS WASH DOWN A HEARTY MEAL LIKE

IN CALORIES, AND SWILL HELPS WASH DOWN A HEARTY MEAL LIKE THIS, WHICH TENDS TO JUST LAY IN

WASH DOWN A HEARTY MEAL LIKE THIS, WHICH TENDS TO JUST LAY IN YOUR STOMACH.

THIS, WHICH TENDS TO JUST LAY IN YOUR STOMACH. ♪ ANTICIPATION ♪

YOUR STOMACH. ♪ ANTICIPATION ♪ ♪ ANTICIPATION ♪

♪ ANTICIPATION ♪ ♪ ANTICIPATION ♪ ♪ IS MAKING ME WAIT ♪

♪ ANTICIPATION ♪ ♪ IS MAKING ME WAIT ♪ ♪ KEEPING ME WAITING ♪

♪ IS MAKING ME WAIT ♪ ♪ KEEPING ME WAITING ♪ I LIKE MINE WITH A TWIST.

BOY, HONEY, ALL THIS FUSS AROUND THESE PARTS ABOUT BIGFOOT SURE IS GETTING OUT OF HAND,

AROUND THESE PARTS ABOUT BIGFOOT SURE IS GETTING OUT OF HAND, ISN'T IT?

SURE IS GETTING OUT OF HAND, ISN'T IT? SURE IS!

ISN'T IT? SURE IS! GETTIN' SO'S PEOPLE AROUND HERE

SURE IS! GETTIN' SO'S PEOPLE AROUND HERE ARE SCARED OF THEIR OWN SHADOW.

GETTIN' SO'S PEOPLE AROUND HERE ARE SCARED OF THEIR OWN SHADOW. YEAH.

ARE SCARED OF THEIR OWN SHADOW. YEAH. [KNOCKING ON DOOR]

YEAH. [KNOCKING ON DOOR] COME ON IN!

[KNOCKING ON DOOR] COME ON IN! DOOR'S ALWAYS OPEN!

COME ON IN! DOOR'S ALWAYS OPEN! COME ON IN!

DOOR'S ALWAYS OPEN! COME ON IN! [WIND HOWLING]

COME ON IN! [WIND HOWLING] OHH!

[WIND HOWLING] OHH! OHH!

OHH! OHH! OHH!

OHH! OHH! [COUGHS]

OHH! [COUGHS] BOY, THAT'S SOME BLIZZARD OUT

[COUGHS] BOY, THAT'S SOME BLIZZARD OUT THERE!

BOY, THAT'S SOME BLIZZARD OUT THERE! MY SNOWMOBILE BROKE DOWN ABOUT A

THERE! MY SNOWMOBILE BROKE DOWN ABOUT A MILE BACK.

MY SNOWMOBILE BROKE DOWN ABOUT A MILE BACK. WHY, LOOK, IT'S PARK RANGER

MILE BACK. WHY, LOOK, IT'S PARK RANGER McCONNELL.

WHY, LOOK, IT'S PARK RANGER McCONNELL. WELL, PARK RANGER McCONNELL,

McCONNELL. WELL, PARK RANGER McCONNELL, WHAT MADE YOU LEAVE THE WARMTH

WELL, PARK RANGER McCONNELL, WHAT MADE YOU LEAVE THE WARMTH OF YOUR RANGER STATION TO COME

WHAT MADE YOU LEAVE THE WARMTH OF YOUR RANGER STATION TO COME OUT ON A NIGHT LIKE THIS?

OF YOUR RANGER STATION TO COME OUT ON A NIGHT LIKE THIS? WELL, WE JUST GOT WORD FROM

OUT ON A NIGHT LIKE THIS? WELL, WE JUST GOT WORD FROM PARK WARDEN MITCHELL TO EVACUATE

WELL, WE JUST GOT WORD FROM PARK WARDEN MITCHELL TO EVACUATE THIS WHOLE AREA, ALL THE WAY

PARK WARDEN MITCHELL TO EVACUATE THIS WHOLE AREA, ALL THE WAY FROM MOOSE CREEK OVER TO

THIS WHOLE AREA, ALL THE WAY FROM MOOSE CREEK OVER TO OTTER VALLEY.

FROM MOOSE CREEK OVER TO OTTER VALLEY. YOU KNOW, BIGFOOT'S LOOSE AGAIN,

OTTER VALLEY. YOU KNOW, BIGFOOT'S LOOSE AGAIN, AND WE'VE GOT TO SOLVE THIS

YOU KNOW, BIGFOOT'S LOOSE AGAIN, AND WE'VE GOT TO SOLVE THIS MYSTERY.

AND WE'VE GOT TO SOLVE THIS MYSTERY. THE RED CROSS HAS SET UP SOME

MYSTERY. THE RED CROSS HAS SET UP SOME COTS DOWN AT THE GYMNASIUM AT

THE RED CROSS HAS SET UP SOME COTS DOWN AT THE GYMNASIUM AT BUNYAN HIGH SCHOOL, AND THEY'VE

COTS DOWN AT THE GYMNASIUM AT BUNYAN HIGH SCHOOL, AND THEY'VE INSTRUCTED ME AND ALL THE OTHER

BUNYAN HIGH SCHOOL, AND THEY'VE INSTRUCTED ME AND ALL THE OTHER RANGERS TO GET EVERYBODY OUT OF

INSTRUCTED ME AND ALL THE OTHER RANGERS TO GET EVERYBODY OUT OF HERE FROM, OH, MOOSE CREEK CLEAR

RANGERS TO GET EVERYBODY OUT OF HERE FROM, OH, MOOSE CREEK CLEAR DOWN TO OTTER VALLEY.

HERE FROM, OH, MOOSE CREEK CLEAR DOWN TO OTTER VALLEY. YOU KNOW, EACH ONE OF THESE GUNS

DOWN TO OTTER VALLEY. YOU KNOW, EACH ONE OF THESE GUNS IS LOADED WITH ONE OF THESE

YOU KNOW, EACH ONE OF THESE GUNS IS LOADED WITH ONE OF THESE TRANQUILIZER DARTS.

IS LOADED WITH ONE OF THESE TRANQUILIZER DARTS. IN CASE WE SEE BIGFOOT, WE CAN

TRANQUILIZER DARTS. IN CASE WE SEE BIGFOOT, WE CAN STUN HIM AND CAPTURE HIM BEFORE

IN CASE WE SEE BIGFOOT, WE CAN STUN HIM AND CAPTURE HIM BEFORE SOMEONE GETS HURT.

STUN HIM AND CAPTURE HIM BEFORE SOMEONE GETS HURT. WELL, DO YOU THINK THERE'S

SOMEONE GETS HURT. WELL, DO YOU THINK THERE'S REALLY ANY TRUTH TO THESE

WELL, DO YOU THINK THERE'S REALLY ANY TRUTH TO THESE STORIES ABOUT BIGFOOT,

REALLY ANY TRUTH TO THESE STORIES ABOUT BIGFOOT, RANGER McCONNELL?

STORIES ABOUT BIGFOOT, RANGER McCONNELL? WELL, FOR ONE THING, DURING

RANGER McCONNELL? WELL, FOR ONE THING, DURING THE LAST SIX MONTHS, THERE'S

WELL, FOR ONE THING, DURING THE LAST SIX MONTHS, THERE'S BEEN SIGHTINGS OF GIANT BIGFOOT

THE LAST SIX MONTHS, THERE'S BEEN SIGHTINGS OF GIANT BIGFOOT TRACKS, WHY, ALL THE WAY FROM

BEEN SIGHTINGS OF GIANT BIGFOOT TRACKS, WHY, ALL THE WAY FROM MOOSE CREEK, OH, CLEAR OUT TO

TRACKS, WHY, ALL THE WAY FROM MOOSE CREEK, OH, CLEAR OUT TO OTTER VALLEY.

MOOSE CREEK, OH, CLEAR OUT TO OTTER VALLEY. WHY, THERE'S HUNDREDS OF BIGFOOT

OTTER VALLEY. WHY, THERE'S HUNDREDS OF BIGFOOT TRACKS ALL AROUND THIS CABIN.

WHY, THERE'S HUNDREDS OF BIGFOOT TRACKS ALL AROUND THIS CABIN. PERHAPS YOU'VE HAD SOME CLOSE

TRACKS ALL AROUND THIS CABIN. PERHAPS YOU'VE HAD SOME CLOSE BRUSHES WITH THIS ELUSIVE

PERHAPS YOU'VE HAD SOME CLOSE BRUSHES WITH THIS ELUSIVE CREATURE THAT MIGHT PUT ME A

BRUSHES WITH THIS ELUSIVE CREATURE THAT MIGHT PUT ME A STEP CLOSER TO BRINGING BIGFOOT

CREATURE THAT MIGHT PUT ME A STEP CLOSER TO BRINGING BIGFOOT TO CAPTIVITY.

STEP CLOSER TO BRINGING BIGFOOT TO CAPTIVITY. AS YOU KNOW, NOW, PARK RANGER

TO CAPTIVITY. AS YOU KNOW, NOW, PARK RANGER McCONNELL, WE'VE BEEN LIVING

AS YOU KNOW, NOW, PARK RANGER McCONNELL, WE'VE BEEN LIVING HERE SIX MONTHS NOW, AND WE'VE

McCONNELL, WE'VE BEEN LIVING HERE SIX MONTHS NOW, AND WE'VE BEEN ALL OVER THESE PARTS, FROM

HERE SIX MONTHS NOW, AND WE'VE BEEN ALL OVER THESE PARTS, FROM MOOSE CREEK TO OTTER VALLEY, AND

BEEN ALL OVER THESE PARTS, FROM MOOSE CREEK TO OTTER VALLEY, AND WE AIN'T NEVER SEEN NO BIGFOOT.

MOOSE CREEK TO OTTER VALLEY, AND WE AIN'T NEVER SEEN NO BIGFOOT. RANGER...

WE AIN'T NEVER SEEN NO BIGFOOT. RANGER... SORRY, RANGER McCONNELL, WE

RANGER... SORRY, RANGER McCONNELL, WE CAN'T BE OF MORE HELP, BUT YOU

SORRY, RANGER McCONNELL, WE CAN'T BE OF MORE HELP, BUT YOU KNOW SOMETHING?

CAN'T BE OF MORE HELP, BUT YOU KNOW SOMETHING? WHY DON'T YOU JUST SIT DOWN, AND

KNOW SOMETHING? WHY DON'T YOU JUST SIT DOWN, AND I'LL MAKE YOU A NICE CUP OF

WHY DON'T YOU JUST SIT DOWN, AND I'LL MAKE YOU A NICE CUP OF COFFEE?

I'LL MAKE YOU A NICE CUP OF COFFEE? WELL...

COFFEE? WELL... HAVE A SEAT.

WELL... HAVE A SEAT. ALL RIGHT, BUT JUST FOR A

HAVE A SEAT. ALL RIGHT, BUT JUST FOR A MINUTE.

ALL RIGHT, BUT JUST FOR A MINUTE. THAT'S A NICE WOOD-BURNING STOVE

MINUTE. THAT'S A NICE WOOD-BURNING STOVE YOU GOT THERE.

THAT'S A NICE WOOD-BURNING STOVE YOU GOT THERE. OH, SANTA BROUGHT IT TO ME!

YOU GOT THERE. OH, SANTA BROUGHT IT TO ME! I WOKE UP CHRISTMAS MORNING AND

OH, SANTA BROUGHT IT TO ME! I WOKE UP CHRISTMAS MORNING AND FOUND IT IN MY STOCKING.

I WOKE UP CHRISTMAS MORNING AND FOUND IT IN MY STOCKING. BOY, YOU KNOW, THIS IS REALLY

FOUND IT IN MY STOCKING. BOY, YOU KNOW, THIS IS REALLY A MYSTERY.

BOY, YOU KNOW, THIS IS REALLY A MYSTERY. YOU SURE YOU'VE NEVER SEEN A

A MYSTERY. YOU SURE YOU'VE NEVER SEEN A CREATURE AROUND HERE THAT WOULD

YOU SURE YOU'VE NEVER SEEN A CREATURE AROUND HERE THAT WOULD LEAVE A FOOTPRINT ABOUT, OH,

CREATURE AROUND HERE THAT WOULD LEAVE A FOOTPRINT ABOUT, OH, THIS BIG?

LEAVE A FOOTPRINT ABOUT, OH, THIS BIG? NO, NO, NO.

THIS BIG? NO, NO, NO. NO, MOST CREATURES AROUND

NO, NO, NO. NO, MOST CREATURES AROUND HERE... YOU KNOW, LIKE OTTER,

NO, MOST CREATURES AROUND HERE... YOU KNOW, LIKE OTTER, WOLF, DEER, FOX... THEY ALL HAVE

HERE... YOU KNOW, LIKE OTTER, WOLF, DEER, FOX... THEY ALL HAVE PRETTY SMALL FEET.

WOLF, DEER, FOX... THEY ALL HAVE PRETTY SMALL FEET. WELL, RANGER McCONNELL, WHAT

PRETTY SMALL FEET. WELL, RANGER McCONNELL, WHAT DOES THIS HERE BIGFOOT THING

WELL, RANGER McCONNELL, WHAT DOES THIS HERE BIGFOOT THING LOOK LIKE?

DOES THIS HERE BIGFOOT THING LOOK LIKE? WELL, THE ONLY SIGHTINGS OF

LOOK LIKE? WELL, THE ONLY SIGHTINGS OF BIGFOOT HIMSELF HAVE BEEN MADE

WELL, THE ONLY SIGHTINGS OF BIGFOOT HIMSELF HAVE BEEN MADE FROM LONG DISTANCES IN

BIGFOOT HIMSELF HAVE BEEN MADE FROM LONG DISTANCES IN BLIZZARDS, BUT THEY ALL AGREE

FROM LONG DISTANCES IN BLIZZARDS, BUT THEY ALL AGREE THAT THE CREATURE ALWAYS WALKS

BLIZZARDS, BUT THEY ALL AGREE THAT THE CREATURE ALWAYS WALKS UPRIGHT LIKE A MAN, WITH A THICK

THAT THE CREATURE ALWAYS WALKS UPRIGHT LIKE A MAN, WITH A THICK FUR COVERING HIS BODY.

UPRIGHT LIKE A MAN, WITH A THICK FUR COVERING HIS BODY. NO, NEVER SEEN NOTHING LIKE

FUR COVERING HIS BODY. NO, NEVER SEEN NOTHING LIKE THAT.

NO, NEVER SEEN NOTHING LIKE THAT. WELL, I GOT TO GO CUT SOME MORE

THAT. WELL, I GOT TO GO CUT SOME MORE WOOD.

WELL, I GOT TO GO CUT SOME MORE WOOD. ALL RIGHT, HONEY, YOU BE

WOOD. ALL RIGHT, HONEY, YOU BE CAREFUL NOW.

ALL RIGHT, HONEY, YOU BE CAREFUL NOW. OKAY.

CAREFUL NOW. OKAY. WATCH OUT FOR THAT BLIZZARD.

OKAY. WATCH OUT FOR THAT BLIZZARD. WELL, CAN YOU GET THE DOOR?

WATCH OUT FOR THAT BLIZZARD. WELL, CAN YOU GET THE DOOR? AS SOON AS I GET THIS DOOR

WELL, CAN YOU GET THE DOOR? AS SOON AS I GET THIS DOOR HERE.

AS SOON AS I GET THIS DOOR HERE. GET THAT DOOR.

HERE. GET THAT DOOR. WHOA! WATCH OUT FOR THAT!

GET THAT DOOR. WHOA! WATCH OUT FOR THAT! WHOA!

WHOA! WATCH OUT FOR THAT! WHOA! RANGER McCONNELL.

WHOA! RANGER McCONNELL. RANGER McCONNELL, SINCE YOUR

RANGER McCONNELL. RANGER McCONNELL, SINCE YOUR SNOWMOBILE BROKE, WHY DON'T YOU

RANGER McCONNELL, SINCE YOUR SNOWMOBILE BROKE, WHY DON'T YOU STAY THE NIGHT HERE WITH US?

SNOWMOBILE BROKE, WHY DON'T YOU STAY THE NIGHT HERE WITH US? WE GOT AN EXTRA MATTRESS, AND

STAY THE NIGHT HERE WITH US? WE GOT AN EXTRA MATTRESS, AND YOU CAN USE ONE OF MY SOCKS AS A

WE GOT AN EXTRA MATTRESS, AND YOU CAN USE ONE OF MY SOCKS AS A SLEEPING BAG.

YOU CAN USE ONE OF MY SOCKS AS A SLEEPING BAG. NO, I'M SORRY.

SLEEPING BAG. NO, I'M SORRY. I CAN'T REST UNTIL I'VE SOLVED

NO, I'M SORRY. I CAN'T REST UNTIL I'VE SOLVED THE MYSTERY OF BIGFOOT.

I CAN'T REST UNTIL I'VE SOLVED THE MYSTERY OF BIGFOOT. WELL, GOOD LUCK.

THE MYSTERY OF BIGFOOT. WELL, GOOD LUCK. WELL, THANK YOU, AND SAY

WELL, GOOD LUCK. WELL, THANK YOU, AND SAY GOODBYE TO YOUR HUSBAND FOR ME.

WELL, THANK YOU, AND SAY GOODBYE TO YOUR HUSBAND FOR ME. I WILL.

GOODBYE TO YOUR HUSBAND FOR ME. I WILL. WAIT!

I WILL. WAIT! THERE HE IS!

WAIT! THERE HE IS! IT'S BIGFOOT!

THERE HE IS! IT'S BIGFOOT! HE'S AROUND THE WOODPILE!

GO! GET HIM! [GUNSHOT] WAIT A MINUTE... THAT WAS

[GUNSHOT] WAIT A MINUTE... THAT WAS YOUR HUSBAND.

WAIT A MINUTE... THAT WAS YOUR HUSBAND. OH, NO, IT MUST HAVE BEEN THE

YOUR HUSBAND. OH, NO, IT MUST HAVE BEEN THE LONG DISTANCE AND THE BLIZZARD.

OH, NO, IT MUST HAVE BEEN THE LONG DISTANCE AND THE BLIZZARD. YES, THE WILDERNESS LIKES TO

LONG DISTANCE AND THE BLIZZARD. YES, THE WILDERNESS LIKES TO PLAY FUNNY TRICKS ON A MAN.

YES, THE WILDERNESS LIKES TO PLAY FUNNY TRICKS ON A MAN. YOU KNOW...

PLAY FUNNY TRICKS ON A MAN. YOU KNOW... [WIND HOWLING]

YOU KNOW... [WIND HOWLING] NOW THAT YOU MENTION IT, I

[WIND HOWLING] NOW THAT YOU MENTION IT, I DID NOTICE A LOT OF BIG

NOW THAT YOU MENTION IT, I DID NOTICE A LOT OF BIG FOOTPRINTS GOING TO AND FROM THE

DID NOTICE A LOT OF BIG FOOTPRINTS GOING TO AND FROM THE WOOD PILE, YOU KNOW?

FOOTPRINTS GOING TO AND FROM THE WOOD PILE, YOU KNOW? BOY, I'M REALLY TIRED.

WOOD PILE, YOU KNOW? BOY, I'M REALLY TIRED. I THINK I'M GONNA TAKE A LITTLE

BOY, I'M REALLY TIRED. I THINK I'M GONNA TAKE A LITTLE NAP.

I THINK I'M GONNA TAKE A LITTLE NAP. YOU KNOW, JUST A MINUTE AGO,

NAP. YOU KNOW, JUST A MINUTE AGO, I LOOKED OUT, AND I THOUGHT YOU

YOU KNOW, JUST A MINUTE AGO, I LOOKED OUT, AND I THOUGHT YOU WERE BIGFOOT.

I LOOKED OUT, AND I THOUGHT YOU WERE BIGFOOT. YOU MUST HAVE BEEN FOOLED BY

WERE BIGFOOT. YOU MUST HAVE BEEN FOOLED BY THE LONG DISTANCE AND THE

YOU MUST HAVE BEEN FOOLED BY THE LONG DISTANCE AND THE BLIZZARD.

THE LONG DISTANCE AND THE BLIZZARD. [CHUCKLES]

BLIZZARD. [CHUCKLES] YEAH, I GUESS I WAS.

[CHUCKLES] YEAH, I GUESS I WAS. YOU KNOW, IT GIVES ME THE CREEPS

YEAH, I GUESS I WAS. YOU KNOW, IT GIVES ME THE CREEPS TO THINK THAT THAT BIGFOOT

YOU KNOW, IT GIVES ME THE CREEPS TO THINK THAT THAT BIGFOOT CREATURE IS OUT THERE SOMEWHERE.

TO THINK THAT THAT BIGFOOT CREATURE IS OUT THERE SOMEWHERE. WHY, HE COULD BE ANYWHERE.

CREATURE IS OUT THERE SOMEWHERE. WHY, HE COULD BE ANYWHERE. HE COULD BE AROUND THIS CABIN

WHY, HE COULD BE ANYWHERE. HE COULD BE AROUND THIS CABIN RIGHT NOW.

HE COULD BE AROUND THIS CABIN RIGHT NOW. YEAH. HE COULD BE.

RIGHT NOW. YEAH. HE COULD BE. HE COULD BE THERE.

YEAH. HE COULD BE. HE COULD BE THERE. I'LL TELL YOU SOMETHING.

HE COULD BE THERE. I'LL TELL YOU SOMETHING. I GUESS WE'LL NEVER SOLVE THIS

I'LL TELL YOU SOMETHING. I GUESS WE'LL NEVER SOLVE THIS MYSTERY OF BIGFOOT.

[Czech accent] OH! HEY! HERE IS SOMETHING! [CHUCKLES]

HERE IS SOMETHING! [CHUCKLES] I BET YOU CANNOT GUESS WHO'S

[CHUCKLES] I BET YOU CANNOT GUESS WHO'S HERE NOW BEHIND YOU WITH HIS

I BET YOU CANNOT GUESS WHO'S HERE NOW BEHIND YOU WITH HIS HANDS COVERING YOUR EYES!

HERE NOW BEHIND YOU WITH HIS HANDS COVERING YOUR EYES! [Czech accent] I CANNOT

HANDS COVERING YOUR EYES! [Czech accent] I CANNOT AGREE WITH YOU THERE, FOR IT

[Czech accent] I CANNOT AGREE WITH YOU THERE, FOR IT MUST BE MY SWINGING BROTHER,

AGREE WITH YOU THERE, FOR IT MUST BE MY SWINGING BROTHER, GEORG!

SEE? NEXT TIME, DON'T ASK ME AGAIN! IT WAS NO DIFFICULTY FOR ME

NEXT TIME, DON'T ASK ME AGAIN! IT WAS NO DIFFICULTY FOR ME TO GUESS, FOR WE ARE HERE

IT WAS NO DIFFICULTY FOR ME TO GUESS, FOR WE ARE HERE TOGETHER, ALL ALONE IN OUR

TO GUESS, FOR WE ARE HERE TOGETHER, ALL ALONE IN OUR APARTMENT IN AMERICA, AND WE

TOGETHER, ALL ALONE IN OUR APARTMENT IN AMERICA, AND WE HAVE ONE KEY ONLY!

APARTMENT IN AMERICA, AND WE HAVE ONE KEY ONLY! WE ARE TWO WILD AND CRAZY

HAVE ONE KEY ONLY! WE ARE TWO WILD AND CRAZY GUYS!

WE ARE TWO WILD AND CRAZY GUYS! HOLD IT.

GUYS! HOLD IT. WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM?

HOLD IT. WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM? YOU AND WHAT ARMY?

WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM? YOU AND WHAT ARMY? HOW ABOUT A SWINGING DRINK?

YOU AND WHAT ARMY? HOW ABOUT A SWINGING DRINK? NO WAY!

HOW ABOUT A SWINGING DRINK? NO WAY! YOU KNOW, SUCH A THING WAS

NO WAY! YOU KNOW, SUCH A THING WAS NOT POSSIBLE BACK IN

YOU KNOW, SUCH A THING WAS NOT POSSIBLE BACK IN CZECHOSLOVAKIA BEFORE WE BLEW UP

NOT POSSIBLE BACK IN CZECHOSLOVAKIA BEFORE WE BLEW UP THE TANKS AND RAN FROM THEM.

CZECHOSLOVAKIA BEFORE WE BLEW UP THE TANKS AND RAN FROM THEM. ALL THE PORTABLE BACHELOR-PAD

THE TANKS AND RAN FROM THEM. ALL THE PORTABLE BACHELOR-PAD BARS WERE OWNED BY THE STATE.

ALL THE PORTABLE BACHELOR-PAD BARS WERE OWNED BY THE STATE. SAY, YOUR SLACKS ARE REALLY

BARS WERE OWNED BY THE STATE. SAY, YOUR SLACKS ARE REALLY TIGHT...

SAY, YOUR SLACKS ARE REALLY TIGHT... JUST LIKE MINE!

TIGHT... JUST LIKE MINE! BOY, IT IS CERTAINLY NO

JUST LIKE MINE! BOY, IT IS CERTAINLY NO DIFFICULTY NOW FOR ANY WOMEN TO

BOY, IT IS CERTAINLY NO DIFFICULTY NOW FOR ANY WOMEN TO SEE OUR BULGES.

DIFFICULTY NOW FOR ANY WOMEN TO SEE OUR BULGES. THAT'S FOR YOU TO FIND OUT!

SEE OUR BULGES. THAT'S FOR YOU TO FIND OUT! SO BRING ON THE FOXES!

THAT'S FOR YOU TO FIND OUT! SO BRING ON THE FOXES! WAIT.

SO BRING ON THE FOXES! WAIT. HERE IS SOMETHING I CAN TELL

WAIT. HERE IS SOMETHING I CAN TELL YOU.

HERE IS SOMETHING I CAN TELL YOU. TWO SWINGING FOXES ARE COMING TO

YOU. TWO SWINGING FOXES ARE COMING TO OUR PAD TONIGHT.

TWO SWINGING FOXES ARE COMING TO OUR PAD TONIGHT. FOXES COMING HERE TONIGHT?

OUR PAD TONIGHT. FOXES COMING HERE TONIGHT? WHO TOLD YOU THAT?

FOXES COMING HERE TONIGHT? WHO TOLD YOU THAT? FORGET ABOUT IT.

WHO TOLD YOU THAT? FORGET ABOUT IT. TODAY IN AMERICA, ALL THE MOST

FORGET ABOUT IT. TODAY IN AMERICA, ALL THE MOST SWINGING PEOPLE USE COMPUTERS TO

TODAY IN AMERICA, ALL THE MOST SWINGING PEOPLE USE COMPUTERS TO FIND OTHERS WHO WILL HAVE SEX

SWINGING PEOPLE USE COMPUTERS TO FIND OTHERS WHO WILL HAVE SEX WITH THEM!

FIND OTHERS WHO WILL HAVE SEX WITH THEM! I HAVE DONE THIS NOW.

WITH THEM! I HAVE DONE THIS NOW. COMPUTERS TO FIND FOXES?

I HAVE DONE THIS NOW. COMPUTERS TO FIND FOXES? LET ME KNOW ABOUT IT.

COMPUTERS TO FIND FOXES? LET ME KNOW ABOUT IT. STAY HERE, AND I'LL TELL YOU!

LET ME KNOW ABOUT IT. STAY HERE, AND I'LL TELL YOU! I PUT OUR NAMES... YORTUK AND

STAY HERE, AND I'LL TELL YOU! I PUT OUR NAMES... YORTUK AND GEORG FESTRUNK... ON CARDS FOR

I PUT OUR NAMES... YORTUK AND GEORG FESTRUNK... ON CARDS FOR THE COMPUTER.

GEORG FESTRUNK... ON CARDS FOR THE COMPUTER. I TOLD THEM THAT WE HAVE MANY

THE COMPUTER. I TOLD THEM THAT WE HAVE MANY SWINGING HOBBIES, AND WE ENJOY

I TOLD THEM THAT WE HAVE MANY SWINGING HOBBIES, AND WE ENJOY A GREAT DEAL MANY INTERESTS,

SWINGING HOBBIES, AND WE ENJOY A GREAT DEAL MANY INTERESTS, LIKE MEETING GIRLS AND BEING

A GREAT DEAL MANY INTERESTS, LIKE MEETING GIRLS AND BEING NEXT TO THEIR BIG AMERICAN

LIKE MEETING GIRLS AND BEING NEXT TO THEIR BIG AMERICAN BREASTS!

NEXT TO THEIR BIG AMERICAN BREASTS! HEY, WHO'S TO KNOW?

BREASTS! HEY, WHO'S TO KNOW? OUT TO LUNCH!

HEY, WHO'S TO KNOW? OUT TO LUNCH! [DOORBELL RINGS]

OUT TO LUNCH! [DOORBELL RINGS] [DOORBELL RINGS]

[DOORBELL RINGS] [DOORBELL RINGS] FOXES!

[DOORBELL RINGS] FOXES! LET'S NOT WAIT, FOR WE ARE

FOXES! LET'S NOT WAIT, FOR WE ARE TWO WILD AND CRAZY GUYS!

NOT FOXES. IT'S CLIFF, OUR SWINGING AMERICAN BUDDY WHO LIVES ALSO IN

IT'S CLIFF, OUR SWINGING AMERICAN BUDDY WHO LIVES ALSO IN THIS APARTMENT BUILDING WITH US.

AMERICAN BUDDY WHO LIVES ALSO IN THIS APARTMENT BUILDING WITH US. HI!

THIS APARTMENT BUILDING WITH US. HI! WHAT'S HAPPENING, SOUL MAN?

HI! WHAT'S HAPPENING, SOUL MAN? HI, GEORG, YORTUK.

WHAT'S HAPPENING, SOUL MAN? HI, GEORG, YORTUK. LOOK, I'M HAVING A PARTY AT MY

HI, GEORG, YORTUK. LOOK, I'M HAVING A PARTY AT MY HOUSE TOMORROW NIGHT, AND I WANT

LOOK, I'M HAVING A PARTY AT MY HOUSE TOMORROW NIGHT, AND I WANT YOU GUYS TO COME.

HOUSE TOMORROW NIGHT, AND I WANT YOU GUYS TO COME. HEY, GET OFF MY BACK.

YOU GUYS TO COME. HEY, GET OFF MY BACK. WALK OVER WITH US NOW TO THE

HEY, GET OFF MY BACK. WALK OVER WITH US NOW TO THE BACHELOR-PAD BAR, WHERE WE'RE

WALK OVER WITH US NOW TO THE BACHELOR-PAD BAR, WHERE WE'RE SPENDING A GREAT DEAL OF TIME.

[GROANS] CLIFF, I AM TELLING YOU SOMETHING NOW.

CLIFF, I AM TELLING YOU SOMETHING NOW. YOU ARE VERY SIMILAR TO ALL OF

SOMETHING NOW. YOU ARE VERY SIMILAR TO ALL OF THE ETHIOPIAN ENGINEERING

YOU ARE VERY SIMILAR TO ALL OF THE ETHIOPIAN ENGINEERING STUDENTS THAT WE KNEW AT THE

THE ETHIOPIAN ENGINEERING STUDENTS THAT WE KNEW AT THE POLYTECHNIC INSTITUTE BACK IN

STUDENTS THAT WE KNEW AT THE POLYTECHNIC INSTITUTE BACK IN BRATISLAVA.

POLYTECHNIC INSTITUTE BACK IN BRATISLAVA. YEAH, YEAH, I CAN DIG IT.

BRATISLAVA. YEAH, YEAH, I CAN DIG IT. SLAP MY HAND, BLACK SOUL MAN!

UH-OH, CLIFF, GET OUT OF HERE NOW! SOME DATES ARE COMING OVER FROM

NOW! SOME DATES ARE COMING OVER FROM COMPUTER DATING TO MEET US, AND

SOME DATES ARE COMING OVER FROM COMPUTER DATING TO MEET US, AND YOU CANNOT BE HERE, FOR WE WILL

COMPUTER DATING TO MEET US, AND YOU CANNOT BE HERE, FOR WE WILL WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH THEM SOON.

YOU CANNOT BE HERE, FOR WE WILL WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH THEM SOON. YOU GUYS GOT SOME ACTION

WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH THEM SOON. YOU GUYS GOT SOME ACTION GOING?

YOU GUYS GOT SOME ACTION GOING? YOU DIDN'T TELL ME THAT, MAN.

GOING? YOU DIDN'T TELL ME THAT, MAN. FIX ME A DRINK, I'LL FINISH IT,

YOU DIDN'T TELL ME THAT, MAN. FIX ME A DRINK, I'LL FINISH IT, AND THEN, YOU KNOW, I'LL SPLIT.

FIX ME A DRINK, I'LL FINISH IT, AND THEN, YOU KNOW, I'LL SPLIT. [DOORBELL RINGS]

AND THEN, YOU KNOW, I'LL SPLIT. [DOORBELL RINGS] OH! NOW ARE THE FOXES!

[DOORBELL RINGS] OH! NOW ARE THE FOXES! CLIFF, DON'T WAIT HERE RIGHT

OH! NOW ARE THE FOXES! CLIFF, DON'T WAIT HERE RIGHT AWAY!

LOOK WHO IT IS... TWO SWINGING CHICKS! TAKE OFF YOUR COATS SO WE CAN

CHICKS! TAKE OFF YOUR COATS SO WE CAN SEE YOUR BIG AMERICAN BREASTS.

TAKE OFF YOUR COATS SO WE CAN SEE YOUR BIG AMERICAN BREASTS. DON'T WORRY ABOUT

SEE YOUR BIG AMERICAN BREASTS. DON'T WORRY ABOUT BIRTH-CONTROL DEVICES FOR SEX.

DON'T WORRY ABOUT BIRTH-CONTROL DEVICES FOR SEX. WE HAVE MANY.

BIRTH-CONTROL DEVICES FOR SEX. WE HAVE MANY. [Croatian accent] HELLO.

WE HAVE MANY. [Croatian accent] HELLO. WE ARE KNOWING SOMETHING NOW.

[Croatian accent] HELLO. WE ARE KNOWING SOMETHING NOW. I AM TELLING YOU THAT YOU ARE

WE ARE KNOWING SOMETHING NOW. I AM TELLING YOU THAT YOU ARE GEORG AND YORTUK FESTRUNK.

I AM TELLING YOU THAT YOU ARE GEORG AND YORTUK FESTRUNK. WE HAVE SELECTED YOUR COMPUTER

GEORG AND YORTUK FESTRUNK. WE HAVE SELECTED YOUR COMPUTER CARDS, AND TONIGHT WE ARE DATING

WE HAVE SELECTED YOUR COMPUTER CARDS, AND TONIGHT WE ARE DATING YOU.

CARDS, AND TONIGHT WE ARE DATING YOU. [Croatian accent] THAT'S

YOU. [Croatian accent] THAT'S RIGHT, AND SORRY TO BE PLACING A

[Croatian accent] THAT'S RIGHT, AND SORRY TO BE PLACING A BUM TRIP ON MY MIND, BUT BEFORE

RIGHT, AND SORRY TO BE PLACING A BUM TRIP ON MY MIND, BUT BEFORE HAVING SEX, YOU WILL BE BUYING

BUM TRIP ON MY MIND, BUT BEFORE HAVING SEX, YOU WILL BE BUYING US AN EXPENSIVE MEAL AND MANY

HAVING SEX, YOU WILL BE BUYING US AN EXPENSIVE MEAL AND MANY PEPSIS!

US AN EXPENSIVE MEAL AND MANY PEPSIS! YOU'LL BE PARDONING ME FOR A

PEPSIS! YOU'LL BE PARDONING ME FOR A MOMENT.

THESE... THERE ARE NOT AMERICAN FOXES. I BLAME MYSELF.

FOXES. I BLAME MYSELF. WE ARE CROATIAN SISTERS...

I BLAME MYSELF. WE ARE CROATIAN SISTERS... BODKA AND VOBSINA CHERBU, WHO

WE ARE CROATIAN SISTERS... BODKA AND VOBSINA CHERBU, WHO ARE JUMPING TWO YEARS AGO OFF

BODKA AND VOBSINA CHERBU, WHO ARE JUMPING TWO YEARS AGO OFF SOVIET FISHING TROLLER OFF THE

ARE JUMPING TWO YEARS AGO OFF SOVIET FISHING TROLLER OFF THE COAST OF MAINE.

SOVIET FISHING TROLLER OFF THE COAST OF MAINE. WE ARE SWIMMING TWO WEEKS WITH

COAST OF MAINE. WE ARE SWIMMING TWO WEEKS WITH OUR UNCLE KRABOSH, WHO IS WITH

WE ARE SWIMMING TWO WEEKS WITH OUR UNCLE KRABOSH, WHO IS WITH US NOW, ALSO, AS WELL.

OUR UNCLE KRABOSH, WHO IS WITH US NOW, ALSO, AS WELL. THAT'S RIGHT.

US NOW, ALSO, AS WELL. THAT'S RIGHT. UNCLE KRABOSH!

THAT'S RIGHT. UNCLE KRABOSH! COME IN AND DATE WITH US.

[Croatian accent] NOT TO WORRY TOO MUCH FOR ME. I CAN WATCH WHILE OTHERS SWING.

WORRY TOO MUCH FOR ME. I CAN WATCH WHILE OTHERS SWING. UM, WELL, I SEE THAT YOU GUYS

I CAN WATCH WHILE OTHERS SWING. UM, WELL, I SEE THAT YOU GUYS ARE, YOU KNOW, GETTING READY TO

UM, WELL, I SEE THAT YOU GUYS ARE, YOU KNOW, GETTING READY TO PARTY.

ARE, YOU KNOW, GETTING READY TO PARTY. SO, I'M GOING TO JUST GET MYSELF

PARTY. SO, I'M GOING TO JUST GET MYSELF TOGETHER AND SPLIT, MAN.

SO, I'M GOING TO JUST GET MYSELF TOGETHER AND SPLIT, MAN. HEY, VOBSINA, LET'S FORGET

TOGETHER AND SPLIT, MAN. HEY, VOBSINA, LET'S FORGET ABOUT THEM NOW.

HEY, VOBSINA, LET'S FORGET ABOUT THEM NOW. THESE TWO NOT KNOW HOW TO SWING

ABOUT THEM NOW. THESE TWO NOT KNOW HOW TO SWING CORRECTLY.

THESE TWO NOT KNOW HOW TO SWING CORRECTLY. I HAVE JUST SEEN THIS BLACK

CORRECTLY. I HAVE JUST SEEN THIS BLACK PERSON WHO WOULD BE MUCH BETTER

I HAVE JUST SEEN THIS BLACK PERSON WHO WOULD BE MUCH BETTER TO SWING US IN AMERICA.

PERSON WHO WOULD BE MUCH BETTER TO SWING US IN AMERICA. HEY!

TO SWING US IN AMERICA. HEY! SO, NOW WE WILL BE TAKING OFF

HEY! SO, NOW WE WILL BE TAKING OFF HIS PANTS.

SO, NOW WE WILL BE TAKING OFF HIS PANTS. HA!

HIS PANTS. HA! NO, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.

HA! NO, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT. WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.

NO, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT. WAIT, WAIT, WAIT. LOOK, I'M SPLITTING.

WAIT, WAIT, WAIT. LOOK, I'M SPLITTING. I GOT NIGHT CLASS.

LOOK, I'M SPLITTING. I GOT NIGHT CLASS. HA! DON'T TELL US!

I GOT NIGHT CLASS. HA! DON'T TELL US! THAT'S YOUR PROBLEM!

HA! DON'T TELL US! THAT'S YOUR PROBLEM! WHAT A HASSLE!

THAT'S YOUR PROBLEM! WHAT A HASSLE! SOON WE WILL BE SEEING YOU

WHAT A HASSLE! SOON WE WILL BE SEEING YOU WITH NO PANTS ON WHATSOEVER!

SOON WE WILL BE SEEING YOU WITH NO PANTS ON WHATSOEVER! [CHUCKLES]

WITH NO PANTS ON WHATSOEVER! [CHUCKLES] I AM OLD, TIRED A BIT, BUT

[CHUCKLES] I AM OLD, TIRED A BIT, BUT EVEN SO, MY HEALTH IS NOT SO

I AM OLD, TIRED A BIT, BUT EVEN SO, MY HEALTH IS NOT SO GOOD.

EVEN SO, MY HEALTH IS NOT SO GOOD. SO YOU MUST HELP ME TO SWING.

GOOD. SO YOU MUST HELP ME TO SWING. THIS GUY IS TOO MUCH FOR ALL

SO YOU MUST HELP ME TO SWING. THIS GUY IS TOO MUCH FOR ALL OF US!

THIS GUY IS TOO MUCH FOR ALL OF US! CLIFF IS NOW SWINGING WITH

OF US! CLIFF IS NOW SWINGING WITH BODKA AND VOBSINA!

CLIFF IS NOW SWINGING WITH BODKA AND VOBSINA! GOODBYE, CLIFF!

BODKA AND VOBSINA! GOODBYE, CLIFF! ENJOY YOUR SEX!

GOODBYE, CLIFF! ENJOY YOUR SEX! YOU ARE BRINGING BIRTH-CONTROL

ENJOY YOUR SEX! YOU ARE BRINGING BIRTH-CONTROL DEVICES, GEORG?

YOU ARE BRINGING BIRTH-CONTROL DEVICES, GEORG? WHO'S TO KNOW?

DEVICES, GEORG? WHO'S TO KNOW? OUT TO LUNCH!

WHO'S TO KNOW? OUT TO LUNCH! NOW WE ARE...

OUT TO LUNCH! NOW WE ARE... WE ARE THREE WILD AND CRAZY

NOW WE ARE... WE ARE THREE WILD AND CRAZY GUYS!

I'VE KNOWN THIS NEXT GROUP SINCE WE WERE... SMALL. [CHUCKLES]

SINCE WE WERE... SMALL. [CHUCKLES] WE WENT TO HIGH SCHOOL TOGETHER,

[CHUCKLES] WE WENT TO HIGH SCHOOL TOGETHER, AND THESE ARE SOME OF THE BEST

WE WENT TO HIGH SCHOOL TOGETHER, AND THESE ARE SOME OF THE BEST MUSICIANS YOU CAN FIND.

AND THESE ARE SOME OF THE BEST MUSICIANS YOU CAN FIND. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THE

MUSICIANS YOU CAN FIND. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THE DIRT BAND!

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THE DIRT BAND! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

DIRT BAND! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] [THE DIRT BAND'S "ON THE LOOSE

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] [THE DIRT BAND'S "ON THE LOOSE WITH THE BLUES" PLAYS]

♪ BABY'S JUST LOOKING SO BAD ♪ ♪ YOU CAN'T TALK HER INTO

BAD ♪ ♪ YOU CAN'T TALK HER INTO FEELING GLAD ♪

♪ YOU CAN'T TALK HER INTO FEELING GLAD ♪ ♪ WELL, I GUESS SHE'S BEEN DOWN

FEELING GLAD ♪ ♪ WELL, I GUESS SHE'S BEEN DOWN ON HER LUCK ♪

♪ WELL, I GUESS SHE'S BEEN DOWN ON HER LUCK ♪ ♪ LIVING OUT OF SOME OLD PICKUP

ON HER LUCK ♪ ♪ LIVING OUT OF SOME OLD PICKUP TRUCK ♪

♪ LIVING OUT OF SOME OLD PICKUP TRUCK ♪ ♪ SHE'S BEEN RUNNING SINCE SHE

TRUCK ♪ ♪ SHE'S BEEN RUNNING SINCE SHE CAN'T SAY WHEN ♪

♪ SHE'S BEEN RUNNING SINCE SHE CAN'T SAY WHEN ♪ ♪ THINK SHE STARTED 'BOUT THE

CAN'T SAY WHEN ♪ ♪ THINK SHE STARTED 'BOUT THE AGE OF 10 ♪

♪ THINK SHE STARTED 'BOUT THE AGE OF 10 ♪ ♪ WELL, SHE'S WORN OUT HER

AGE OF 10 ♪ ♪ WELL, SHE'S WORN OUT HER HIGHWAY SHOES ♪

♪ WELL, SHE'S WORN OUT HER HIGHWAY SHOES ♪ ♪ ON THE LOOSE WITH THE BLUES ♪

HIGHWAY SHOES ♪ ♪ ON THE LOOSE WITH THE BLUES ♪ ♪ SHE'S NEVER EVEN SEEN HER PA ♪

♪ ON THE LOOSE WITH THE BLUES ♪ ♪ SHE'S NEVER EVEN SEEN HER PA ♪ ♪ THINK HE'S OUT THERE TRYING TO

♪ SHE'S NEVER EVEN SEEN HER PA ♪ ♪ THINK HE'S OUT THERE TRYING TO DODGE THE LAW ♪

♪ THINK HE'S OUT THERE TRYING TO DODGE THE LAW ♪ ♪ AND THE ONLY FAMILY

DODGE THE LAW ♪ ♪ AND THE ONLY FAMILY SHE'S GOT ♪

♪ AND THE ONLY FAMILY SHE'S GOT ♪ ♪ IS HER MOTHER,

SHE'S GOT ♪ ♪ IS HER MOTHER, AND SHE'S GONE A LOT ♪

♪ IS HER MOTHER, AND SHE'S GONE A LOT ♪ ♪ BUT SHE'D NEVER LET YOU SEE NO

AND SHE'S GONE A LOT ♪ ♪ BUT SHE'D NEVER LET YOU SEE NO PAIN ♪

♪ BUT SHE'D NEVER LET YOU SEE NO PAIN ♪ ♪ SAYS SHE'LL TAKE THE SUNSHINE

PAIN ♪ ♪ SAYS SHE'LL TAKE THE SUNSHINE WITH THE RAIN ♪

♪ SAYS SHE'LL TAKE THE SUNSHINE WITH THE RAIN ♪ ♪ LONELY EYES THAT SHOW WHAT

WITH THE RAIN ♪ ♪ LONELY EYES THAT SHOW WHAT SHE'S BEEN THROUGH ♪

♪ LONELY EYES THAT SHOW WHAT SHE'S BEEN THROUGH ♪ ♪ ON THE LOOSE WITH THE BLUES ♪

SHE'S BEEN THROUGH ♪ ♪ ON THE LOOSE WITH THE BLUES ♪ ♪ SHOULDN'T BE THIS WAY ♪

♪ ON THE LOOSE WITH THE BLUES ♪ ♪ SHOULDN'T BE THIS WAY ♪ ♪ SHE'S HAD FAR TOO MANY CLOUDY

♪ SHOULDN'T BE THIS WAY ♪ ♪ SHE'S HAD FAR TOO MANY CLOUDY DAYS ♪

♪ SHE'S HAD FAR TOO MANY CLOUDY DAYS ♪ ♪ AND I REALLY HOPE THAT SHE CAN

DAYS ♪ ♪ AND I REALLY HOPE THAT SHE CAN LAST ♪

♪ AND I REALLY HOPE THAT SHE CAN LAST ♪ ♪ BEEN HITTING LIFE A LITTLE

LAST ♪ ♪ BEEN HITTING LIFE A LITTLE FAST ♪

♪ BEEN HITTING LIFE A LITTLE FAST ♪ ♪ WELL, THE LADY'S PAYING TOO

FAST ♪ ♪ WELL, THE LADY'S PAYING TOO MANY DUES ♪

♪ WELL, THE LADY'S PAYING TOO MANY DUES ♪ ♪ ON THE LOOSE WITH THE BLUES ♪

MANY DUES ♪ ♪ ON THE LOOSE WITH THE BLUES ♪ [HARMONICA SOLO]

♪ SHOULDN'T BE THIS WAY ♪ ♪ SHE'S HAD FAR TOO MANY CLOUDY DAYS ♪

♪ SHE'S HAD FAR TOO MANY CLOUDY DAYS ♪ ♪ AND I REALLY HOPE THAT SHE CAN

DAYS ♪ ♪ AND I REALLY HOPE THAT SHE CAN LAST ♪

♪ AND I REALLY HOPE THAT SHE CAN LAST ♪ ♪ BEEN HITTING LIFE A LITTLE

LAST ♪ ♪ BEEN HITTING LIFE A LITTLE FAST ♪

♪ BEEN HITTING LIFE A LITTLE FAST ♪ ♪ WELL, THE LADY'S PAYING TOO

FAST ♪ ♪ WELL, THE LADY'S PAYING TOO MANY DUES ♪

♪ WELL, THE LADY'S PAYING TOO MANY DUES ♪ ♪ ON THE LOOSE WITH THE BLUES ♪

MANY DUES ♪ ♪ ON THE LOOSE WITH THE BLUES ♪ ♪ SHE'S JUST WORN OUT THOSE

♪ ON THE LOOSE WITH THE BLUES ♪ ♪ SHE'S JUST WORN OUT THOSE HIGHWAY SHOES ♪

♪ SHE'S JUST WORN OUT THOSE HIGHWAY SHOES ♪ ♪ ON THE LOOSE WITH THE BLUES ♪

HIGHWAY SHOES ♪ ♪ ON THE LOOSE WITH THE BLUES ♪ ♪ BABY'S REALLY FEELING USED ♪

♪ ON THE LOOSE WITH THE BLUES ♪ ♪ BABY'S REALLY FEELING USED ♪ ♪ ON THE LOOSE WITH THE BLUES ♪

♪ BABY'S REALLY FEELING USED ♪ ♪ ON THE LOOSE WITH THE BLUES ♪ [INSTRUMENTAL BREAK]

[MUSIC CONTINUES]

[MUSIC CONTINUES]

[MUSIC CONTINUES]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

FIRST THERE WAS SOAP. THEN THERE WAS THE WASHCLOTH. AND NOW...

THEN THERE WAS THE WASHCLOTH. AND NOW... THERE'S BODY FLOSS, THE

AND NOW... THERE'S BODY FLOSS, THE REVOLUTIONARY NEW HYGIENE

THERE'S BODY FLOSS, THE REVOLUTIONARY NEW HYGIENE INVENTION THAT GIVES THE WORD

REVOLUTIONARY NEW HYGIENE INVENTION THAT GIVES THE WORD "CLEAN" A WHOLE NEW MEANING.

INVENTION THAT GIVES THE WORD "CLEAN" A WHOLE NEW MEANING. IT'S LIKE EXERCISING WHILE

"CLEAN" A WHOLE NEW MEANING. IT'S LIKE EXERCISING WHILE YOU'RE GETTING CLEAN, ONLY

IT'S LIKE EXERCISING WHILE YOU'RE GETTING CLEAN, ONLY BETTER!

YOU'RE GETTING CLEAN, ONLY BETTER! IT UNLODGES PARTICLES BEFORE

BETTER! IT UNLODGES PARTICLES BEFORE THEY CAN BECOME DIRT!

IT UNLODGES PARTICLES BEFORE THEY CAN BECOME DIRT! YEAH!

THEY CAN BECOME DIRT! YEAH! THE SWEDES HAVE BEEN DOING IT

YEAH! THE SWEDES HAVE BEEN DOING IT FOR YEARS!

THE SWEDES HAVE BEEN DOING IT FOR YEARS! YOU SEE, THE OUTSIDE OF YOUR

FOR YEARS! YOU SEE, THE OUTSIDE OF YOUR SKIN... THE EPITHELIAL LAYER...

YOU SEE, THE OUTSIDE OF YOUR SKIN... THE EPITHELIAL LAYER... TRAPS DIRT.

SKIN... THE EPITHELIAL LAYER... TRAPS DIRT. ONLY BODY FLOSS CAN GENTLY FREE

TRAPS DIRT. ONLY BODY FLOSS CAN GENTLY FREE THE EPITHELIA.

ONLY BODY FLOSS CAN GENTLY FREE THE EPITHELIA. THE BODY FLOSS REACHES SPACES

THE EPITHELIA. THE BODY FLOSS REACHES SPACES AND PLACES YOUR WASHCLOTH JUST

THE BODY FLOSS REACHES SPACES AND PLACES YOUR WASHCLOTH JUST CAN'T GO!

AND PLACES YOUR WASHCLOTH JUST CAN'T GO! YOU CAN USE BODY FLOSS ALONE

CAN'T GO! YOU CAN USE BODY FLOSS ALONE OR AT A FLOSS PARTY!

YOU CAN USE BODY FLOSS ALONE OR AT A FLOSS PARTY! THAT'S WHAT I LIKE ABOUT IT!

OR AT A FLOSS PARTY! THAT'S WHAT I LIKE ABOUT IT! IT'S THE CLEANEST WAY TO HAVE

THAT'S WHAT I LIKE ABOUT IT! IT'S THE CLEANEST WAY TO HAVE FUN IN THE WHOLE WORLD!

IT'S THE CLEANEST WAY TO HAVE FUN IN THE WHOLE WORLD! THAT'S WHAT I LIKE ABOUT IT!

FUN IN THE WHOLE WORLD! THAT'S WHAT I LIKE ABOUT IT! YEAH, AND I LIKE THAT NEW

THAT'S WHAT I LIKE ABOUT IT! YEAH, AND I LIKE THAT NEW MINT FLAVOR!

YEAH, AND I LIKE THAT NEW MINT FLAVOR! THAT'S WHAT I LIKE ABOUT IT!

MINT FLAVOR! THAT'S WHAT I LIKE ABOUT IT! THE BODY FLOSS... IT MAKES

THAT'S WHAT I LIKE ABOUT IT! THE BODY FLOSS... IT MAKES YOU CLEAN AFTER YOU THOUGHT YOU

THE BODY FLOSS... IT MAKES YOU CLEAN AFTER YOU THOUGHT YOU WERE CLEAN.

YOU CLEAN AFTER YOU THOUGHT YOU WERE CLEAN. NO BODY CAN REALLY BE CLEAN

WERE CLEAN. NO BODY CAN REALLY BE CLEAN WITHOUT IT.

COMING UP NEXT, FREDDIE LAKER ANNOUNCES ECONOMY BUS SERVICE TO MIAMI.

ANNOUNCES ECONOMY BUS SERVICE TO MIAMI. THIS STORY AND MORE ON "WEEKEND

MIAMI. THIS STORY AND MORE ON "WEEKEND UPDATE" AT 12:00.

Announcer: AND NOW, "WEEKEND UPDATE," WITH THE "WEEKEND UPDATE" NEWS TEAM.

UPDATE," WITH THE "WEEKEND UPDATE" NEWS TEAM. BEFORE WE START THE NEWS

UPDATE" NEWS TEAM. BEFORE WE START THE NEWS TONIGHT, WE AT "WEEKEND UPDATE"

BEFORE WE START THE NEWS TONIGHT, WE AT "WEEKEND UPDATE" WOULD LIKE TO TAKE THIS

TONIGHT, WE AT "WEEKEND UPDATE" WOULD LIKE TO TAKE THIS OPPORTUNITY TO WELCOME

WOULD LIKE TO TAKE THIS OPPORTUNITY TO WELCOME MR. FRED SILVERMAN, THE NEW

OPPORTUNITY TO WELCOME MR. FRED SILVERMAN, THE NEW PRESIDENT OF NBC.

MR. FRED SILVERMAN, THE NEW PRESIDENT OF NBC. AS YOU KNOW, MR. SILVERMAN WAS

PRESIDENT OF NBC. AS YOU KNOW, MR. SILVERMAN WAS THE PROGRAMMING WHIZ AT ABC, AND

AS YOU KNOW, MR. SILVERMAN WAS THE PROGRAMMING WHIZ AT ABC, AND HE HAS VOWED TO TRY TO ELEVATE

THE PROGRAMMING WHIZ AT ABC, AND HE HAS VOWED TO TRY TO ELEVATE NBC's RATING IN THE SAME MANNER

HE HAS VOWED TO TRY TO ELEVATE NBC's RATING IN THE SAME MANNER THAT HE DID IN HIS PREVIOUS JOB.

NBC's RATING IN THE SAME MANNER THAT HE DID IN HIS PREVIOUS JOB. WE WISH HIM LUCK.

THAT HE DID IN HIS PREVIOUS JOB. WE WISH HIM LUCK. NOW FOR THE NEWS.

WE WISH HIM LUCK. NOW FOR THE NEWS. I'M LAVERNE CURTAIN.

NOW FOR THE NEWS. I'M LAVERNE CURTAIN. I'M SHIRLEY AYKROYD.

I'M LAVERNE CURTAIN. I'M SHIRLEY AYKROYD. AND NOW, OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT,

I'M SHIRLEY AYKROYD. AND NOW, OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT, OF COURSE, HAS TO BE ABOUT THE

AND NOW, OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT, OF COURSE, HAS TO BE ABOUT THE BIG SNOW.

OF COURSE, HAS TO BE ABOUT THE BIG SNOW. JANE?

BIG SNOW. JANE? WILLIAM H. WEBSTER, THE

JANE? WILLIAM H. WEBSTER, THE FEDERAL JUDGE WHO WAS NOMINATED

WILLIAM H. WEBSTER, THE FEDERAL JUDGE WHO WAS NOMINATED THURSDAY TO BECOME THE NEXT

FEDERAL JUDGE WHO WAS NOMINATED THURSDAY TO BECOME THE NEXT DIRECTOR OF THE FEDERAL BUREAU

THURSDAY TO BECOME THE NEXT DIRECTOR OF THE FEDERAL BUREAU OF INVESTIGATION, HAS NOT

DIRECTOR OF THE FEDERAL BUREAU OF INVESTIGATION, HAS NOT ANNOUNCED WHETHER OR NOT HE WILL

OF INVESTIGATION, HAS NOT ANNOUNCED WHETHER OR NOT HE WILL GIVE UP HIS MEMBERSHIP IN THE

ANNOUNCED WHETHER OR NOT HE WILL GIVE UP HIS MEMBERSHIP IN THE ALL-MALE, ALL-WHITE, MYSTERIOUS

GIVE UP HIS MEMBERSHIP IN THE ALL-MALE, ALL-WHITE, MYSTERIOUS ORDER OF THE VEILED PROPHETS.

ALL-MALE, ALL-WHITE, MYSTERIOUS ORDER OF THE VEILED PROPHETS. HOWEVER, HE DID PROMISE TO

ORDER OF THE VEILED PROPHETS. HOWEVER, HE DID PROMISE TO "MAINTAIN THE HIGH STANDARDS AND

HOWEVER, HE DID PROMISE TO "MAINTAIN THE HIGH STANDARDS AND TRADITIONS OF THE FBI."

"MAINTAIN THE HIGH STANDARDS AND TRADITIONS OF THE FBI." AND REPORTEDLY, 20 SPECIAL

TRADITIONS OF THE FBI." AND REPORTEDLY, 20 SPECIAL AGENTS WERE ASSIGNED TO HIS HOME

AND REPORTEDLY, 20 SPECIAL AGENTS WERE ASSIGNED TO HIS HOME THIS MORNING TO SHOVEL SNOW,

AGENTS WERE ASSIGNED TO HIS HOME THIS MORNING TO SHOVEL SNOW, CLEAN OUT HIS GARAGE, AND TO

THIS MORNING TO SHOVEL SNOW, CLEAN OUT HIS GARAGE, AND TO UNPLUG A STUBBORN KITCHEN DRAIN.

AS PART OF HIS RECENT RELIGIOUS CONVERSION, PUBLISHER LARRY FLYNT HAS INVITED

CONVERSION, PUBLISHER LARRY FLYNT HAS INVITED EVANGELIST ORAL ROBERTS TO JOIN

LARRY FLYNT HAS INVITED EVANGELIST ORAL ROBERTS TO JOIN THE STAFF OF HUSTLER MAGAZINE.

EVANGELIST ORAL ROBERTS TO JOIN THE STAFF OF HUSTLER MAGAZINE. TODAY ROBERTS ACCEPTED THE OFFER

THE STAFF OF HUSTLER MAGAZINE. TODAY ROBERTS ACCEPTED THE OFFER AND, IN A SPIRIT OF COMPROMISE,

TODAY ROBERTS ACCEPTED THE OFFER AND, IN A SPIRIT OF COMPROMISE, HAS AGREED TO CHANGE HIS NAME TO

AND, IN A SPIRIT OF COMPROMISE, HAS AGREED TO CHANGE HIS NAME TO "ORAL SEX."

HAS AGREED TO CHANGE HIS NAME TO "ORAL SEX." WHAT DO MILITARY MEN DO WHEN

"ORAL SEX." WHAT DO MILITARY MEN DO WHEN PEACE TALKS ARE AT A STALEMATE?

WHAT DO MILITARY MEN DO WHEN PEACE TALKS ARE AT A STALEMATE? WELL, DURING THE SUSPENSION OF

PEACE TALKS ARE AT A STALEMATE? WELL, DURING THE SUSPENSION OF MIDDLE EAST TALKS, ISRAELI

WELL, DURING THE SUSPENSION OF MIDDLE EAST TALKS, ISRAELI FOREIGN MINISTER MOSHE DAYAN

MIDDLE EAST TALKS, ISRAELI FOREIGN MINISTER MOSHE DAYAN PLANS TO STAND IN FOR A TIRED

FOREIGN MINISTER MOSHE DAYAN PLANS TO STAND IN FOR A TIRED YUL BRYNNER IN BROADWAY'S HIT

PLANS TO STAND IN FOR A TIRED YUL BRYNNER IN BROADWAY'S HIT REVIVAL OF "THE KING AND I."

YUL BRYNNER IN BROADWAY'S HIT REVIVAL OF "THE KING AND I." YOU SEE THAT THEY LOOK ALIKE,

REVIVAL OF "THE KING AND I." YOU SEE THAT THEY LOOK ALIKE, SOMEWHAT, THE TWO MEN.

YOU SEE THAT THEY LOOK ALIKE, SOMEWHAT, THE TWO MEN. MORE DEVELOPMENTS FROM THE

SOMEWHAT, THE TWO MEN. MORE DEVELOPMENTS FROM THE MIDDLE EAST.

MORE DEVELOPMENTS FROM THE MIDDLE EAST. THE KIND OF SAUDI ARABIA AND THE

MIDDLE EAST. THE KIND OF SAUDI ARABIA AND THE EMIR OF KUWAIT LAST WEEK HAD

THE KIND OF SAUDI ARABIA AND THE EMIR OF KUWAIT LAST WEEK HAD THEIR BEARDS EPOXIED TOGETHER IN

EMIR OF KUWAIT LAST WEEK HAD THEIR BEARDS EPOXIED TOGETHER IN A DEMONSTRATION OF SOLIDARITY

THEIR BEARDS EPOXIED TOGETHER IN A DEMONSTRATION OF SOLIDARITY AGAINST EGYPT'S PEACE MOVES.

A DEMONSTRATION OF SOLIDARITY AGAINST EGYPT'S PEACE MOVES. THE TWO ARAB LEADERS SAY THEY

AGAINST EGYPT'S PEACE MOVES. THE TWO ARAB LEADERS SAY THEY WILL REMAIN THIS WAY UNTIL THE

THE TWO ARAB LEADERS SAY THEY WILL REMAIN THIS WAY UNTIL THE CONTROVERSY IS SETTLED OR UNTIL

WILL REMAIN THIS WAY UNTIL THE CONTROVERSY IS SETTLED OR UNTIL THEY RUN OUT OF MOUTHWASH,

CONTROVERSY IS SETTLED OR UNTIL THEY RUN OUT OF MOUTHWASH, WHICHEVER IS SOONER.

THEY RUN OUT OF MOUTHWASH, WHICHEVER IS SOONER. MAKING SHOW-BUSINESS NEWS ALSO

WHICHEVER IS SOONER. MAKING SHOW-BUSINESS NEWS ALSO WAS LEO, THE BELOVED MGM LION,

MAKING SHOW-BUSINESS NEWS ALSO WAS LEO, THE BELOVED MGM LION, WHO WAS PICKED UP IN LOS ANGELES

WAS LEO, THE BELOVED MGM LION, WHO WAS PICKED UP IN LOS ANGELES THIS WEEK ON A "DRUNK AND

WHO WAS PICKED UP IN LOS ANGELES THIS WEEK ON A "DRUNK AND DISORDERLY" CHARGE.

THIS WEEK ON A "DRUNK AND DISORDERLY" CHARGE. THE FELINE EXECUTIVE WAS

DISORDERLY" CHARGE. THE FELINE EXECUTIVE WAS REPORTEDLY STILL DEPRESSED OVER

THE FELINE EXECUTIVE WAS REPORTEDLY STILL DEPRESSED OVER THE DEATH OF BERT LAHR SOME 10

REPORTEDLY STILL DEPRESSED OVER THE DEATH OF BERT LAHR SOME 10 YEARS AGO.

THE DEATH OF BERT LAHR SOME 10 YEARS AGO. WELL, JIMMY CARTER HAS BEEN

YEARS AGO. WELL, JIMMY CARTER HAS BEEN PRESIDENT FOR A YEAR AND A DAY.

WELL, JIMMY CARTER HAS BEEN PRESIDENT FOR A YEAR AND A DAY. LET'S LOOK AT THE RECORD, SHALL

PRESIDENT FOR A YEAR AND A DAY. LET'S LOOK AT THE RECORD, SHALL WE?

LET'S LOOK AT THE RECORD, SHALL WE? HIS BEST FRIEND, BERT LANCE, HAD

WE? HIS BEST FRIEND, BERT LANCE, HAD BEEN ACCUSED OF QUESTIONABLE

HIS BEST FRIEND, BERT LANCE, HAD BEEN ACCUSED OF QUESTIONABLE BANKING PRACTICES.

BEEN ACCUSED OF QUESTIONABLE BANKING PRACTICES. HIS SON CHIP IS HAVING MARITAL

BANKING PRACTICES. HIS SON CHIP IS HAVING MARITAL PROBLEMS.

HIS SON CHIP IS HAVING MARITAL PROBLEMS. HIS BROTHER, BILLY, IS A

PROBLEMS. HIS BROTHER, BILLY, IS A BEER-DRINKING CLOWN.

HIS BROTHER, BILLY, IS A BEER-DRINKING CLOWN. HIS MOTHER, LILLIAN, IS A

BEER-DRINKING CLOWN. HIS MOTHER, LILLIAN, IS A WRESTLING GROUPIE.

HIS MOTHER, LILLIAN, IS A WRESTLING GROUPIE. HIS WHITE HOUSE STAFF CHIEF,

WRESTLING GROUPIE. HIS WHITE HOUSE STAFF CHIEF, HAMILTON JORDAN, IS GETTING A

HIS WHITE HOUSE STAFF CHIEF, HAMILTON JORDAN, IS GETTING A DIVORCE.

HAMILTON JORDAN, IS GETTING A DIVORCE. HIS SISTER RUTH CARTER STAPLETON

DIVORCE. HIS SISTER RUTH CARTER STAPLETON IS ASSOCIATING WITH LARRY FLYNT,

HIS SISTER RUTH CARTER STAPLETON IS ASSOCIATING WITH LARRY FLYNT, A PORNOGRAPHER.

IS ASSOCIATING WITH LARRY FLYNT, A PORNOGRAPHER. BUT TO BE FAIR, LET'S LOOK AT

A PORNOGRAPHER. BUT TO BE FAIR, LET'S LOOK AT THE BRIGHTER SIDE.

BUT TO BE FAIR, LET'S LOOK AT THE BRIGHTER SIDE. HIS DAUGHTER AMY'S NURSE IS A

THE BRIGHTER SIDE. HIS DAUGHTER AMY'S NURSE IS A CONVICTED MURDERER.

HIS DAUGHTER AMY'S NURSE IS A CONVICTED MURDERER. IT RESTORES ONE'S FAITH, DOESN'T

CONVICTED MURDERER. IT RESTORES ONE'S FAITH, DOESN'T IT?

IT RESTORES ONE'S FAITH, DOESN'T IT? [CLEARS THROAT]

IT? [CLEARS THROAT] AND IN LOUISIANA, FRANIA TYE LEE

[CLEARS THROAT] AND IN LOUISIANA, FRANIA TYE LEE BEGAN HER TRIAL, IN WHICH SHE

AND IN LOUISIANA, FRANIA TYE LEE BEGAN HER TRIAL, IN WHICH SHE HOPES TO BE DECLARED THE

BEGAN HER TRIAL, IN WHICH SHE HOPES TO BE DECLARED THE PUTATIVE WIFE OF THE LATE

HOPES TO BE DECLARED THE PUTATIVE WIFE OF THE LATE H.L. HUNT.

PUTATIVE WIFE OF THE LATE H.L. HUNT. PICTURED HERE, MRS. LEE IS

H.L. HUNT. PICTURED HERE, MRS. LEE IS RECOVERING FROM AN ACCIDENT SHE

PICTURED HERE, MRS. LEE IS RECOVERING FROM AN ACCIDENT SHE HAD IN POLAND, WHERE HER SEVERED

RECOVERING FROM AN ACCIDENT SHE HAD IN POLAND, WHERE HER SEVERED ARM WAS SEWED BACK ONTO HER BODY

HAD IN POLAND, WHERE HER SEVERED ARM WAS SEWED BACK ONTO HER BODY IN EMERGENCY SURGERY.

ARM WAS SEWED BACK ONTO HER BODY IN EMERGENCY SURGERY. AND FROM DETROIT... THIS WEEK,

IN EMERGENCY SURGERY. AND FROM DETROIT... THIS WEEK, THE BUICK DIVISION OF GENERAL

AND FROM DETROIT... THIS WEEK, THE BUICK DIVISION OF GENERAL MOTORS RECALLED 12,000 CARS THAT

THE BUICK DIVISION OF GENERAL MOTORS RECALLED 12,000 CARS THAT WERE MISTAKENLY EQUIPPED WITH

MOTORS RECALLED 12,000 CARS THAT WERE MISTAKENLY EQUIPPED WITH BEDSPREADS WHICH WERE TOO LONG

WERE MISTAKENLY EQUIPPED WITH BEDSPREADS WHICH WERE TOO LONG FOR THE ENGINE.

BEDSPREADS WHICH WERE TOO LONG FOR THE ENGINE. AND NOW, WITH THIS WEEK'S

FOR THE ENGINE. AND NOW, WITH THIS WEEK'S CONSUMER REPORT IS CORRESPONDENT

AND NOW, WITH THIS WEEK'S CONSUMER REPORT IS CORRESPONDENT ROSEANNE ROSANNADANNA.

CONSUMER REPORT IS CORRESPONDENT ROSEANNE ROSANNADANNA. WELCOME, ROSEANNE.

ROSEANNE ROSANNADANNA. WELCOME, ROSEANNE. THANK YOU, JANE.

WELCOME, ROSEANNE. THANK YOU, JANE. WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO REPORT

THANK YOU, JANE. WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO REPORT ON TONIGHT?

WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO REPORT ON TONIGHT? WELL, JANE, MR. RICHARD FEDER

ON TONIGHT? WELL, JANE, MR. RICHARD FEDER OF NEW YORK CITY WRITES IN AND

WELL, JANE, MR. RICHARD FEDER OF NEW YORK CITY WRITES IN AND SAYS, "DEAR

OF NEW YORK CITY WRITES IN AND SAYS, "DEAR ROSEANNE ROSANNADANNA, I GOT NO

SAYS, "DEAR ROSEANNE ROSANNADANNA, I GOT NO HEAT.

ROSEANNE ROSANNADANNA, I GOT NO HEAT. WHAT SHOULD I DO?"

HEAT. WHAT SHOULD I DO?" WELL, MR. FEDER, I WANT TO HELP

WHAT SHOULD I DO?" WELL, MR. FEDER, I WANT TO HELP YOU BECAUSE I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL.

WELL, MR. FEDER, I WANT TO HELP YOU BECAUSE I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL. ONCE I DIDN'T HAVE NO HEAT, AND

YOU BECAUSE I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL. ONCE I DIDN'T HAVE NO HEAT, AND I WAS AFRAID I WAS GONNA COME

ONCE I DIDN'T HAVE NO HEAT, AND I WAS AFRAID I WAS GONNA COME DOWN WITH THE FLU.

I WAS AFRAID I WAS GONNA COME DOWN WITH THE FLU. I HAD A TEMPERATURE.

DOWN WITH THE FLU. I HAD A TEMPERATURE. I HAD THE CHILLS.

I HAD A TEMPERATURE. I HAD THE CHILLS. I DIDN'T HAVE TOO MANY BLANKETS

I HAD THE CHILLS. I DIDN'T HAVE TOO MANY BLANKETS IN MY APARTMENT.

I DIDN'T HAVE TOO MANY BLANKETS IN MY APARTMENT. SO, I WENT OUTSIDE TO GET SOME

IN MY APARTMENT. SO, I WENT OUTSIDE TO GET SOME SOUP, 'CAUSE IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE

SO, I WENT OUTSIDE TO GET SOME SOUP, 'CAUSE IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE GOOD FOR YOU IF YOU'RE CLOGGED

SOUP, 'CAUSE IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE GOOD FOR YOU IF YOU'RE CLOGGED UP.

GOOD FOR YOU IF YOU'RE CLOGGED UP. I GO TO THE RESTAURANT, AND I

UP. I GO TO THE RESTAURANT, AND I ORDERED SOUP.

I GO TO THE RESTAURANT, AND I ORDERED SOUP. WELL, I GOT IT, AND WOULDN'T YOU

ORDERED SOUP. WELL, I GOT IT, AND WOULDN'T YOU KNOW THERE WAS A HAIR IN IT?

WELL, I GOT IT, AND WOULDN'T YOU KNOW THERE WAS A HAIR IN IT? CAN YOU IMAGINE THAT?

KNOW THERE WAS A HAIR IN IT? CAN YOU IMAGINE THAT? IT WAS ABOUT THIS LONG.

CAN YOU IMAGINE THAT? IT WAS ABOUT THIS LONG. I THOUGHT I WAS GONNA DIE.

IT WAS ABOUT THIS LONG. I THOUGHT I WAS GONNA DIE. NOW, LET ME ASK YOU THIS... DID

I THOUGHT I WAS GONNA DIE. NOW, LET ME ASK YOU THIS... DID YOU EVER EAT A HAMBURGER, AND

NOW, LET ME ASK YOU THIS... DID YOU EVER EAT A HAMBURGER, AND THERE'S A HARD THING IN IT?

YOU EVER EAT A HAMBURGER, AND THERE'S A HARD THING IN IT? YOU KNOW?

THERE'S A HARD THING IN IT? YOU KNOW? IT'S LIKE A TOENAIL.

YOU KNOW? IT'S LIKE A TOENAIL. AND YOU KNOW IT'S NOT PART OF

IT'S LIKE A TOENAIL. AND YOU KNOW IT'S NOT PART OF THE HAMBURGER, BUT YOU SEPARATE

AND YOU KNOW IT'S NOT PART OF THE HAMBURGER, BUT YOU SEPARATE THE MEAT AND THE PICKLE AND THE

THE HAMBURGER, BUT YOU SEPARATE THE MEAT AND THE PICKLE AND THE LETTUCE AND THE TOMATOES ALL ON

THE MEAT AND THE PICKLE AND THE LETTUCE AND THE TOMATOES ALL ON ONE SIDE OF YOUR MOUTH, AND THEN

LETTUCE AND THE TOMATOES ALL ON ONE SIDE OF YOUR MOUTH, AND THEN FINALLY YOU GET IT ON YOUR

ONE SIDE OF YOUR MOUTH, AND THEN FINALLY YOU GET IT ON YOUR TONGUE, THAT LITTLE THING, AND

FINALLY YOU GET IT ON YOUR TONGUE, THAT LITTLE THING, AND IT'S LIKE A BONE.

TONGUE, THAT LITTLE THING, AND IT'S LIKE A BONE. BUT IT'S NOT A BONE.

IT'S LIKE A BONE. BUT IT'S NOT A BONE. I KEEP ASKING MYSELF,

BUT IT'S NOT A BONE. I KEEP ASKING MYSELF, "ROSEANNE ROSANNADANNA, IF THEY

I KEEP ASKING MYSELF, "ROSEANNE ROSANNADANNA, IF THEY CAN MAKE A COFFEE YOU LIKE

"ROSEANNE ROSANNADANNA, IF THEY CAN MAKE A COFFEE YOU LIKE WITHOUT CAFFEINE, WHY CAN'T THEY

CAN MAKE A COFFEE YOU LIKE WITHOUT CAFFEINE, WHY CAN'T THEY MAKE A HAMBURGER YOU LIKE WITH

WITHOUT CAFFEINE, WHY CAN'T THEY MAKE A HAMBURGER YOU LIKE WITH NO TOENAILS?

MAKE A HAMBURGER YOU LIKE WITH NO TOENAILS? AND WAIT A MINUTE.

NO TOENAILS? AND WAIT A MINUTE. WHAT ABOUT WHEN YOU GET SOME

AND WAIT A MINUTE. WHAT ABOUT WHEN YOU GET SOME FRIED CHICKEN, AND YOU GOT A

WHAT ABOUT WHEN YOU GET SOME FRIED CHICKEN, AND YOU GOT A THIGH, YOU GOT A BREAST, YOU GOT

FRIED CHICKEN, AND YOU GOT A THIGH, YOU GOT A BREAST, YOU GOT A LEG, YOU GOT A WING, AND THEN

THIGH, YOU GOT A BREAST, YOU GOT A LEG, YOU GOT A WING, AND THEN YOU GOT THIS OTHER PART THAT'S

A LEG, YOU GOT A WING, AND THEN YOU GOT THIS OTHER PART THAT'S GOT ABOUT TWO INCHES OF BREADING

YOU GOT THIS OTHER PART THAT'S GOT ABOUT TWO INCHES OF BREADING ON IT, YOU KNOW?

GOT ABOUT TWO INCHES OF BREADING ON IT, YOU KNOW? AND AFTER YOU EAT ALL THE

ON IT, YOU KNOW? AND AFTER YOU EAT ALL THE BREADING OFF OF IT, YOU DON'T

AND AFTER YOU EAT ALL THE BREADING OFF OF IT, YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU GOT THERE.

BREADING OFF OF IT, YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU GOT THERE. AND DID YOU EVER EAT ROAST BEEF

KNOW WHAT YOU GOT THERE. AND DID YOU EVER EAT ROAST BEEF THAT HAD A RAINBOW ON IT?

AND DID YOU EVER EAT ROAST BEEF THAT HAD A RAINBOW ON IT? YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN... IT'S

THAT HAD A RAINBOW ON IT? YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN... IT'S BLUE?

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN... IT'S BLUE? HOW DO THEY GET THAT COLOR?

BLUE? HOW DO THEY GET THAT COLOR? DID SOMEONE LEAVE THE BEEF OUT

HOW DO THEY GET THAT COLOR? DID SOMEONE LEAVE THE BEEF OUT IN THE RAIN?

DID SOMEONE LEAVE THE BEEF OUT IN THE RAIN? [LAUGHS]

IN THE RAIN? [LAUGHS] YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE I HATE?

[LAUGHS] YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE I HATE? SOFT-BOILED EGGS.

YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE I HATE? SOFT-BOILED EGGS. THERE'S THAT GUCKY PART THAT

SOFT-BOILED EGGS. THERE'S THAT GUCKY PART THAT GOES UP AND DOWN AND UP AND

THERE'S THAT GUCKY PART THAT GOES UP AND DOWN AND UP AND DOWN.

GOES UP AND DOWN AND UP AND DOWN. YOU CAN'T KEEP IT ON THE SPOON.

DOWN. YOU CAN'T KEEP IT ON THE SPOON. IT FALLS OFF YOUR SPOON.

YOU CAN'T KEEP IT ON THE SPOON. IT FALLS OFF YOUR SPOON. IT GOES DOWN TO THE PLATE.

IT FALLS OFF YOUR SPOON. IT GOES DOWN TO THE PLATE. THEN IT GOES ON YOUR SPOON.

IT GOES DOWN TO THE PLATE. THEN IT GOES ON YOUR SPOON. THEN IT'S BACK ON THE PLATE

THEN IT GOES ON YOUR SPOON. THEN IT'S BACK ON THE PLATE AGAIN.

THEN IT'S BACK ON THE PLATE AGAIN. THEN IT GOES ON YOUR SPOON

AGAIN. THEN IT GOES ON YOUR SPOON AGAIN.

THEN IT GOES ON YOUR SPOON AGAIN. THEN IT GOES ONTO THE FLOOR.

AGAIN. THEN IT GOES ONTO THE FLOOR. SO, YOU GOT TO WIPE IT UP AND

THEN IT GOES ONTO THE FLOOR. SO, YOU GOT TO WIPE IT UP AND EAT IT OFF A TOWEL!

SO, YOU GOT TO WIPE IT UP AND EAT IT OFF A TOWEL! AND LET ME ASK YOU THIS...

EAT IT OFF A TOWEL! AND LET ME ASK YOU THIS... ROSEANNE.

AND LET ME ASK YOU THIS... ROSEANNE. WHAT DO YOU WANT?

ROSEANNE. WHAT DO YOU WANT? YOU'RE MAKING ME SICK.

WHAT DO YOU WANT? YOU'RE MAKING ME SICK. WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

YOU'RE MAKING ME SICK. WHAT DO YOU MEAN? YOU'RE MAKING ME NAUSEOUS

WHAT DO YOU MEAN? YOU'RE MAKING ME NAUSEOUS WITH ALL THIS TALK ABOUT FOOD

YOU'RE MAKING ME NAUSEOUS WITH ALL THIS TALK ABOUT FOOD AND HAIR.

WITH ALL THIS TALK ABOUT FOOD AND HAIR. WHAT HAS THIS GOT TO DO ABOUT A

AND HAIR. WHAT HAS THIS GOT TO DO ABOUT A GUY WITH NO HEAT?

WHAT HAS THIS GOT TO DO ABOUT A GUY WITH NO HEAT? WELL, JANE, IT ALL GOES TO

GUY WITH NO HEAT? WELL, JANE, IT ALL GOES TO SHOW YOU THAT IT'S ALWAYS

WELL, JANE, IT ALL GOES TO SHOW YOU THAT IT'S ALWAYS SOMETHING.

SHOW YOU THAT IT'S ALWAYS SOMETHING. IT'S LIKE MY FATHER USED TO SAY

SOMETHING. IT'S LIKE MY FATHER USED TO SAY TO ME WHEN I WAS A LITTLE, TINY

IT'S LIKE MY FATHER USED TO SAY TO ME WHEN I WAS A LITTLE, TINY GIRL BEFORE I WENT TO SLEEP.

TO ME WHEN I WAS A LITTLE, TINY GIRL BEFORE I WENT TO SLEEP. HE'D SAY,

GIRL BEFORE I WENT TO SLEEP. HE'D SAY, "ROSEANNE ROSANNADANNA,

HE'D SAY, "ROSEANNE ROSANNADANNA, IT'S A JUNGLE OUT THERE.

"ROSEANNE ROSANNADANNA, IT'S A JUNGLE OUT THERE. EVERY DOG HAS ITS DAY.

IT'S A JUNGLE OUT THERE. EVERY DOG HAS ITS DAY. YOU MADE YOUR BED.

EVERY DOG HAS ITS DAY. YOU MADE YOUR BED. SO, NOW YOU GOT TO SLEEP IN IT.

YOU MADE YOUR BED. SO, NOW YOU GOT TO SLEEP IN IT. DON'T BITE THE HAND THAT FEEDS

SO, NOW YOU GOT TO SLEEP IN IT. DON'T BITE THE HAND THAT FEEDS YOU.

DON'T BITE THE HAND THAT FEEDS YOU. WHEN THE GOING GETS TOUGH, THE

YOU. WHEN THE GOING GETS TOUGH, THE TOUGH GET GOING.

WHEN THE GOING GETS TOUGH, THE TOUGH GET GOING. DON'T CRY OVER SPILT MILK.

TOUGH GET GOING. DON'T CRY OVER SPILT MILK. AND IT'S SIX OF ONE, HALF A

DON'T CRY OVER SPILT MILK. AND IT'S SIX OF ONE, HALF A DOZEN OF THE OTHER.

AND IT'S SIX OF ONE, HALF A DOZEN OF THE OTHER. TOMORROW'S ANOTHER DAY.

DOZEN OF THE OTHER. TOMORROW'S ANOTHER DAY. GOOD NIGHT,

TOMORROW'S ANOTHER DAY. GOOD NIGHT, ROSEANNE ROSANNADANNA."

GOOD NIGHT, ROSEANNE ROSANNADANNA." ROSEANNE...

I THINK THAT, UH... I THINK THAT YOUR FATHER WAS RIGHT WHEN HE SAID, "GOOD NIGHT,

YOUR FATHER WAS RIGHT WHEN HE SAID, "GOOD NIGHT, ROSEANNE ROSANNADANNA."

SAID, "GOOD NIGHT, ROSEANNE ROSANNADANNA." WELL, LOOK, JANE, HOW WOULD

ROSEANNE ROSANNADANNA." WELL, LOOK, JANE, HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO HAVE DINNER WITH ME

WELL, LOOK, JANE, HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO HAVE DINNER WITH ME TONIGHT?

YOU LIKE TO HAVE DINNER WITH ME TONIGHT? I WOULD...

TONIGHT? I WOULD... [LAUGHS]

I WOULD... [LAUGHS] ROSEANNE ROSANNADANNA.

[LAUGHS] ROSEANNE ROSANNADANNA. ALL RIGHT.

ROSEANNE ROSANNADANNA. ALL RIGHT. [CHUCKLES]

ALL RIGHT. [CHUCKLES] THAT'S THE NEWS.

[CHUCKLES] THAT'S THE NEWS. GOOD NIGHT, AND HAVE A PLEASANT

THAT'S THE NEWS. GOOD NIGHT, AND HAVE A PLEASANT TOMORROW.

GOOD NIGHT, AND HAVE A PLEASANT TOMORROW. Announcer: "WEEKEND UPDATE"

TOMORROW. Announcer: "WEEKEND UPDATE" IS A PRESENTATION OF "SATURDAY

Announcer: "WEEKEND UPDATE" IS A PRESENTATION OF "SATURDAY NIGHT" NEWS, KEEPING AMERICA

IS A PRESENTATION OF "SATURDAY NIGHT" NEWS, KEEPING AMERICA INFORMED FOR OVER 1/50 OF A

NIGHT" NEWS, KEEPING AMERICA INFORMED FOR OVER 1/50 OF A CENTURY.

INFORMED FOR OVER 1/50 OF A CENTURY. HERE'S THE MAN WITH THE

CENTURY. HERE'S THE MAN WITH THE NUMBER-ONE RECORD IN THE

HERE'S THE MAN WITH THE NUMBER-ONE RECORD IN THE COUNTRY... RANDY NEWMAN.

NUMBER-ONE RECORD IN THE COUNTRY... RANDY NEWMAN. [RANDY NEWMAN'S "SHORT PEOPLE"

COUNTRY... RANDY NEWMAN. [RANDY NEWMAN'S "SHORT PEOPLE" PLAYS]

♪ SHORT PEOPLE GOT NO REASON ♪ ♪ SHORT PEOPLE GOT NO REASON ♪

NO REASON ♪ ♪ SHORT PEOPLE GOT NO REASON ♪ ♪ SHORT PEOPLE GOT NO REASON

♪ SHORT PEOPLE GOT NO REASON ♪ ♪ SHORT PEOPLE GOT NO REASON TO LIVE ♪

♪ SHORT PEOPLE GOT NO REASON TO LIVE ♪ ♪ THEY GOT LITTLE HANDS ♪

TO LIVE ♪ ♪ THEY GOT LITTLE HANDS ♪ ♪ LITTLE EYES ♪

♪ THEY GOT LITTLE HANDS ♪ ♪ LITTLE EYES ♪ ♪ THEY WALK AROUND TELLIN' GREAT

♪ LITTLE EYES ♪ ♪ THEY WALK AROUND TELLIN' GREAT BIG LIES ♪

♪ THEY WALK AROUND TELLIN' GREAT BIG LIES ♪ ♪ THEY GOT LITTLE NOSES ♪

BIG LIES ♪ ♪ THEY GOT LITTLE NOSES ♪ ♪ AND TINY LITTLE TEETH ♪

♪ THEY GOT LITTLE NOSES ♪ ♪ AND TINY LITTLE TEETH ♪ ♪ THEY WEAR PLATFORM SHOES ♪

♪ AND TINY LITTLE TEETH ♪ ♪ THEY WEAR PLATFORM SHOES ♪ ♪ ON THEIR NASTY LITTLE FEET ♪

♪ THEY WEAR PLATFORM SHOES ♪ ♪ ON THEIR NASTY LITTLE FEET ♪ ♪ WELL, I DON'T WANT NO SHORT

♪ ON THEIR NASTY LITTLE FEET ♪ ♪ WELL, I DON'T WANT NO SHORT PEOPLE ♪

♪ WELL, I DON'T WANT NO SHORT PEOPLE ♪ ♪ DON'T WANT NO SHORT PEOPLE ♪

PEOPLE ♪ ♪ DON'T WANT NO SHORT PEOPLE ♪ ♪ DON'T WANT NO SHORT PEOPLE

♪ DON'T WANT NO SHORT PEOPLE ♪ ♪ DON'T WANT NO SHORT PEOPLE 'ROUND HERE ♪

♪ SHORT PEOPLE ARE JUST THE SAME AS YOU AND I ♪ ♪ A FOOL SUCH AS I ♪

SAME AS YOU AND I ♪ ♪ A FOOL SUCH AS I ♪ ♪ ALL MEN ARE BROTHERS UNTIL

♪ A FOOL SUCH AS I ♪ ♪ ALL MEN ARE BROTHERS UNTIL THE DAY THEY DIE ♪

♪ ALL MEN ARE BROTHERS UNTIL THE DAY THEY DIE ♪ ♪ IT'S A WONDERFUL WORLD ♪

THE DAY THEY DIE ♪ ♪ IT'S A WONDERFUL WORLD ♪ ♪ SHORT PEOPLE GOT NOBODY ♪

♪ IT'S A WONDERFUL WORLD ♪ ♪ SHORT PEOPLE GOT NOBODY ♪ ♪ SHORT PEOPLE GOT NOBODY ♪

♪ SHORT PEOPLE GOT NOBODY ♪ ♪ SHORT PEOPLE GOT NOBODY ♪ ♪ SHORT PEOPLE GOT NOBODY TO

♪ SHORT PEOPLE GOT NOBODY ♪ ♪ SHORT PEOPLE GOT NOBODY TO LOVE ♪

♪ SHORT PEOPLE GOT NOBODY TO LOVE ♪ ♪ THEY GOT LITTLE BABY LEGS ♪

LOVE ♪ ♪ THEY GOT LITTLE BABY LEGS ♪ ♪ AND THEY STAND SO LOW ♪

♪ THEY GOT LITTLE BABY LEGS ♪ ♪ AND THEY STAND SO LOW ♪ ♪ YOU GOT TO PICK 'EM UP ♪

♪ AND THEY STAND SO LOW ♪ ♪ YOU GOT TO PICK 'EM UP ♪ ♪ JUST TO SAY HELLO ♪

♪ YOU GOT TO PICK 'EM UP ♪ ♪ JUST TO SAY HELLO ♪ ♪ THEY GOT LITTLE CARS THAT GO

♪ JUST TO SAY HELLO ♪ ♪ THEY GOT LITTLE CARS THAT GO BEEP, BEEP, BEEP ♪

♪ THEY GOT LITTLE CARS THAT GO BEEP, BEEP, BEEP ♪ ♪ THEY GOT LITTLE VOICES GOIN'

BEEP, BEEP, BEEP ♪ ♪ THEY GOT LITTLE VOICES GOIN' PEEP, PEEP, PEEP ♪

♪ THEY GOT LITTLE VOICES GOIN' PEEP, PEEP, PEEP ♪ ♪ THEY GOT GRUBBY LITTLE FINGERS

PEEP, PEEP, PEEP ♪ ♪ THEY GOT GRUBBY LITTLE FINGERS AND DIRTY LITTLE MINDS ♪

♪ THEY GOT GRUBBY LITTLE FINGERS AND DIRTY LITTLE MINDS ♪ ♪ THEY'RE GONNA GET YOU EVERY

AND DIRTY LITTLE MINDS ♪ ♪ THEY'RE GONNA GET YOU EVERY TIME ♪

♪ THEY'RE GONNA GET YOU EVERY TIME ♪ ♪ WELL, I DON'T WANT NO SHORT

TIME ♪ ♪ WELL, I DON'T WANT NO SHORT PEOPLE ♪

♪ WELL, I DON'T WANT NO SHORT PEOPLE ♪ ♪ DON'T WANT NO SHORT PEOPLE ♪

PEOPLE ♪ ♪ DON'T WANT NO SHORT PEOPLE ♪ ♪ DON'T WANT NO SHORT PEOPLE

♪ DON'T WANT NO SHORT PEOPLE ♪ ♪ DON'T WANT NO SHORT PEOPLE 'ROUND HERE ♪

[FINALE PLAYS] [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] ALL RIGHT.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] ALL RIGHT. [COUGHS]

ALL RIGHT. [COUGHS] THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

[COUGHS] THANK YOU VERY MUCH. THANK YOU.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH. THANK YOU. I'VE TAKEN A LOT OF ABUSE FOR

THANK YOU. I'VE TAKEN A LOT OF ABUSE FOR THAT SONG, YOU KNOW?

I'VE TAKEN A LOT OF ABUSE FOR THAT SONG, YOU KNOW? I'VE BEEN ON THE NEWS, AND THERE

THAT SONG, YOU KNOW? I'VE BEEN ON THE NEWS, AND THERE WERE LITTLE PEOPLE THROWING EGGS

I'VE BEEN ON THE NEWS, AND THERE WERE LITTLE PEOPLE THROWING EGGS AT ME.

WERE LITTLE PEOPLE THROWING EGGS AT ME. AND I DON'T THINK I REALLY

AT ME. AND I DON'T THINK I REALLY DESERVED IT, AND I HAVEN'T

AND I DON'T THINK I REALLY DESERVED IT, AND I HAVEN'T COMMENTED ON IT TILL NOW, BUT I

DESERVED IT, AND I HAVEN'T COMMENTED ON IT TILL NOW, BUT I WANTED TO RESPOND IN SOME WAY.

COMMENTED ON IT TILL NOW, BUT I WANTED TO RESPOND IN SOME WAY. AND I JUST WANTED TO SAY TO THE

WANTED TO RESPOND IN SOME WAY. AND I JUST WANTED TO SAY TO THE PEOPLE THAT ARE REALLY OFFENDED

AND I JUST WANTED TO SAY TO THE PEOPLE THAT ARE REALLY OFFENDED BY IT... PBHT!

PEOPLE THAT ARE REALLY OFFENDED BY IT... PBHT! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

I'M SENSITIVE, TOO, YOU KNOW? THIS IS A SONG THAT WILL ONLY OFFEND REAL COWBOYS.

THIS IS A SONG THAT WILL ONLY OFFEND REAL COWBOYS. [RANDY NEWMAN'S "RIDER IN THE

OFFEND REAL COWBOYS. [RANDY NEWMAN'S "RIDER IN THE RAIN" PLAYS]

[RANDY NEWMAN'S "RIDER IN THE RAIN" PLAYS] ♪ GOT A GUN IN MY HOLSTER ♪

[RAIN" PLAYS] ♪ GOT A GUN IN MY HOLSTER ♪ ♪ GOT A HORSE BETWEEN MY KNEES ♪

♪ GOT A GUN IN MY HOLSTER ♪ ♪ GOT A HORSE BETWEEN MY KNEES ♪ ♪ AND I'M GOIN' TO ARIZONA ♪

♪ GOT A HORSE BETWEEN MY KNEES ♪ ♪ AND I'M GOIN' TO ARIZONA ♪ ♪ PARDON ME, BOYS, IF YOU

♪ AND I'M GOIN' TO ARIZONA ♪ ♪ PARDON ME, BOYS, IF YOU PLEASE ♪

♪ PARDON ME, BOYS, IF YOU PLEASE ♪ ♪ I HAVE BEEN A DESPERADO ♪

PLEASE ♪ ♪ I HAVE BEEN A DESPERADO ♪ ♪ RAPED AND PILLAGED ACROSS THE

♪ I HAVE BEEN A DESPERADO ♪ ♪ RAPED AND PILLAGED ACROSS THE PLAINS ♪

♪ RAPED AND PILLAGED ACROSS THE PLAINS ♪ ♪ NOW I'M GOIN' TO ARIZONA ♪

PLAINS ♪ ♪ NOW I'M GOIN' TO ARIZONA ♪ ♪ BE A RIDER IN THE RAIN ♪

♪ NOW I'M GOIN' TO ARIZONA ♪ ♪ BE A RIDER IN THE RAIN ♪ ♪ HE'S A RIDER IN THE RAIN ♪

♪ BE A RIDER IN THE RAIN ♪ ♪ HE'S A RIDER IN THE RAIN ♪ ♪ HE'S A RIDER IN THE RAIN ♪

♪ HE'S A RIDER IN THE RAIN ♪ ♪ HE'S A RIDER IN THE RAIN ♪ ♪ AND I'M GOIN' TO ARIZONA ♪

♪ HE'S A RIDER IN THE RAIN ♪ ♪ AND I'M GOIN' TO ARIZONA ♪ ♪ I'M A RIDER IN THE RAIN ♪

♪ AND I'M GOIN' TO ARIZONA ♪ ♪ I'M A RIDER IN THE RAIN ♪ ♪ OH, MY MOTHER'S IN ST. LOUIS ♪

♪ I'M A RIDER IN THE RAIN ♪ ♪ OH, MY MOTHER'S IN ST. LOUIS ♪ ♪ MY BRIDE'S IN TENNESSEE ♪

♪ OH, MY MOTHER'S IN ST. LOUIS ♪ ♪ MY BRIDE'S IN TENNESSEE ♪ ♪ SO, I'M GOIN' TO ARIZONA ♪

♪ MY BRIDE'S IN TENNESSEE ♪ ♪ SO, I'M GOIN' TO ARIZONA ♪ ♪ WITH A BANJO ON MY KNEE ♪

♪ SO, I'M GOIN' TO ARIZONA ♪ ♪ WITH A BANJO ON MY KNEE ♪ ♪ HE'S A RIDER IN THE RAIN ♪

♪ WITH A BANJO ON MY KNEE ♪ ♪ HE'S A RIDER IN THE RAIN ♪ ♪ I'M A RIDER IN THE RAIN ♪

♪ HE'S A RIDER IN THE RAIN ♪ ♪ I'M A RIDER IN THE RAIN ♪ ♪ HE'S A RIDER IN THE RAIN ♪

♪ I'M A RIDER IN THE RAIN ♪ ♪ HE'S A RIDER IN THE RAIN ♪ ♪ AND I'M GOIN' TO ARIZONA ♪

♪ HE'S A RIDER IN THE RAIN ♪ ♪ AND I'M GOIN' TO ARIZONA ♪ ♪ JUST A RIDER IN THE RAIN ♪

♪ AND I'M GOIN' TO ARIZONA ♪ ♪ JUST A RIDER IN THE RAIN ♪ ♪ USED TO WORK

♪ JUST A RIDER IN THE RAIN ♪ ♪ USED TO WORK IN UNCLE'S FEED STORE ♪

♪ USED TO WORK IN UNCLE'S FEED STORE ♪ ♪ WHILE HE WAS FIGHTIN' IN THE

IN UNCLE'S FEED STORE ♪ ♪ WHILE HE WAS FIGHTIN' IN THE WAR ♪

♪ WHILE HE WAS FIGHTIN' IN THE WAR ♪ ♪ NOW I'M GOIN' TO ARIZONA ♪

WAR ♪ ♪ NOW I'M GOIN' TO ARIZONA ♪ ♪ AIN'T GONNA WORK FOR HIM NO

♪ NOW I'M GOIN' TO ARIZONA ♪ ♪ AIN'T GONNA WORK FOR HIM NO MORE ♪

♪ AIN'T GONNA WORK FOR HIM NO MORE ♪ ♪ I'M THE SON OF THE PRAIRIE ♪

MORE ♪ ♪ I'M THE SON OF THE PRAIRIE ♪ ♪ AND THE WIND THAT SWEEPS THE

♪ I'M THE SON OF THE PRAIRIE ♪ ♪ AND THE WIND THAT SWEEPS THE PLAIN ♪

♪ AND THE WIND THAT SWEEPS THE PLAIN ♪ ♪ SO, I'M GOIN' TO ARIZONA ♪

PLAIN ♪ ♪ SO, I'M GOIN' TO ARIZONA ♪ ♪ BE A RIDER IN THE RAIN ♪

♪ SO, I'M GOIN' TO ARIZONA ♪ ♪ BE A RIDER IN THE RAIN ♪ ♪ I'M A RIDER IN THE RAIN ♪

♪ BE A RIDER IN THE RAIN ♪ ♪ I'M A RIDER IN THE RAIN ♪ ♪ I'M A RIDER IN THE RAIN ♪

♪ I'M A RIDER IN THE RAIN ♪ ♪ I'M A RIDER IN THE RAIN ♪ ♪ AND I'M GOIN' TO ARIZONA ♪

♪ I'M A RIDER IN THE RAIN ♪ ♪ AND I'M GOIN' TO ARIZONA ♪ ♪ JUST A RIDER IN THE RAIN ♪

♪ AND I'M GOIN' TO ARIZONA ♪ ♪ JUST A RIDER IN THE RAIN ♪ ♪ HE'S A RIDER IN THE RAIN ♪

♪ JUST A RIDER IN THE RAIN ♪ ♪ HE'S A RIDER IN THE RAIN ♪ ♪ I'M A RIDER IN THE RAIN ♪

♪ HE'S A RIDER IN THE RAIN ♪ ♪ I'M A RIDER IN THE RAIN ♪ ♪ HE'S A RIDER IN THE RAIN ♪

♪ I'M A RIDER IN THE RAIN ♪ ♪ HE'S A RIDER IN THE RAIN ♪ ♪ YOU KNOW I'M A RIDER ♪

♪ HE'S A RIDER IN THE RAIN ♪ ♪ YOU KNOW I'M A RIDER ♪ ♪ AND I'M GOIN' TO ARIZONA ♪

♪ YOU KNOW I'M A RIDER ♪ ♪ AND I'M GOIN' TO ARIZONA ♪ ♪ JUST A RIDER IN THE RAIN ♪

TAKE IT BOYS. ♪ MMM ♪ ♪ MMM ♪

♪ MMM ♪ ♪ MMM ♪ ♪ MMM ♪

♪ MMM ♪ ♪ MMM ♪ ♪ MMM ♪

♪ MMM ♪ ♪ MMM ♪ ♪ MMM ♪

♪ MMM ♪ ♪ MMM ♪ ♪ MMM ♪

♪ MMM ♪ ♪ MMM ♪ [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

♪ MMM ♪ [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] ♪ MMM ♪

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] ♪ MMM ♪ ♪ MMM ♪

Announcer: IT'S TIME FOR AMERICA'S MOST POPULAR FAMILY GAME SHOW... "FAMILY FEUD"!

AMERICA'S MOST POPULAR FAMILY GAME SHOW... "FAMILY FEUD"! AND NOW HERE'S YOUR HOST,

GAME SHOW... "FAMILY FEUD"! AND NOW HERE'S YOUR HOST, FORMER "HOGAN'S HEROES" REGULAR,

AND NOW HERE'S YOUR HOST, FORMER "HOGAN'S HEROES" REGULAR, RICHARD DAWSON!

FORMER "HOGAN'S HEROES" REGULAR, RICHARD DAWSON! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

RICHARD DAWSON! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] HELLO, EVERYBODY.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] HELLO, EVERYBODY. I HOPE YOU'RE AS EXCITED AS I'M

HELLO, EVERYBODY. I HOPE YOU'RE AS EXCITED AS I'M PRETENDING TO BE BECAUSE WE'RE

I HOPE YOU'RE AS EXCITED AS I'M PRETENDING TO BE BECAUSE WE'RE READY TO PLAY "FAMILY FEUD."

PRETENDING TO BE BECAUSE WE'RE READY TO PLAY "FAMILY FEUD." OKAY, IS EVERYONE READY?

READY TO PLAY "FAMILY FEUD." OKAY, IS EVERYONE READY? LET'S MEET OUR FIRST FAMILY, THE

OKAY, IS EVERYONE READY? LET'S MEET OUR FIRST FAMILY, THE JOE MELS, FROM EL CAMINO DEL REY

LET'S MEET OUR FIRST FAMILY, THE JOE MELS, FROM EL CAMINO DEL REY MAR VISTA, CALIFORNIA, AND HERE

JOE MELS, FROM EL CAMINO DEL REY MAR VISTA, CALIFORNIA, AND HERE THEY ARE!

MAR VISTA, CALIFORNIA, AND HERE THEY ARE! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

THEY ARE! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] [LAUGHS]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] [LAUGHS] SETTLE DOWN, KIDS.

[LAUGHS] SETTLE DOWN, KIDS. HELLO, JOE, WHY DON'T YOU TELL

SETTLE DOWN, KIDS. HELLO, JOE, WHY DON'T YOU TELL US WHAT YOU DO FOR A LIVING?

HELLO, JOE, WHY DON'T YOU TELL US WHAT YOU DO FOR A LIVING? HELLO, RICHARD.

US WHAT YOU DO FOR A LIVING? HELLO, RICHARD. I'M THE SPOKESMAN FOR THE

HELLO, RICHARD. I'M THE SPOKESMAN FOR THE ROMAINE LETTUCE GROWERS

I'M THE SPOKESMAN FOR THE ROMAINE LETTUCE GROWERS ASSOCIATION OF CALIFORNIA.

ROMAINE LETTUCE GROWERS ASSOCIATION OF CALIFORNIA. YOU KNOW, TOO MANY PEOPLE USE

ASSOCIATION OF CALIFORNIA. YOU KNOW, TOO MANY PEOPLE USE ICEBERG LETTUCE IN THEIR SALADS,

YOU KNOW, TOO MANY PEOPLE USE ICEBERG LETTUCE IN THEIR SALADS, AND YOU'D BE SURPRISED JUST HOW

ICEBERG LETTUCE IN THEIR SALADS, AND YOU'D BE SURPRISED JUST HOW EXCITING A SALAD CAN BE WITH A

AND YOU'D BE SURPRISED JUST HOW EXCITING A SALAD CAN BE WITH A LITTLE ROMAINE LETTUCE!

EXCITING A SALAD CAN BE WITH A LITTLE ROMAINE LETTUCE! WELL, SO FAR, JOE, YOU'RE

LITTLE ROMAINE LETTUCE! WELL, SO FAR, JOE, YOU'RE ABOUT AS EXCITING AS ONE OF YOUR

WELL, SO FAR, JOE, YOU'RE ABOUT AS EXCITING AS ONE OF YOUR SALADS.

ABOUT AS EXCITING AS ONE OF YOUR SALADS. SO LET US MOVE ON.

SALADS. SO LET US MOVE ON. [LAUGHTER]

SO LET US MOVE ON. [LAUGHTER] GIVE US A KISS. COME ON.

[LAUGHTER] GIVE US A KISS. COME ON. MWAH!

GIVE US A KISS. COME ON. MWAH! TELL US, WHAT DO YOU DO, HONEY?

MWAH! TELL US, WHAT DO YOU DO, HONEY? WELL, I TEACH AN

TELL US, WHAT DO YOU DO, HONEY? WELL, I TEACH AN ASSERTIVENESS TRAINING CLASS FOR

WELL, I TEACH AN ASSERTIVENESS TRAINING CLASS FOR WOMEN IN EL CAMINO DEL RAY MAR

ASSERTIVENESS TRAINING CLASS FOR WOMEN IN EL CAMINO DEL RAY MAR VISTA.

WOMEN IN EL CAMINO DEL RAY MAR VISTA. AND I COOK.

VISTA. AND I COOK. AND WHAT DO YOU COOK?

AND I COOK. AND WHAT DO YOU COOK? OH, WELL, I COOK SALADS AND A

AND WHAT DO YOU COOK? OH, WELL, I COOK SALADS AND A LOT OF ROMAINE BLTs!

OH, WELL, I COOK SALADS AND A LOT OF ROMAINE BLTs! WE'D LOVE TO HAVE YOU COME FOR

LOT OF ROMAINE BLTs! WE'D LOVE TO HAVE YOU COME FOR DINNER!

WE'D LOVE TO HAVE YOU COME FOR DINNER! ALL RIGHT, WELL, IF I CAN'T

DINNER! ALL RIGHT, WELL, IF I CAN'T MAKE IT, I'LL SEND MY RABBIT.

ALL RIGHT, WELL, IF I CAN'T MAKE IT, I'LL SEND MY RABBIT. [LAUGHTER]

MAKE IT, I'LL SEND MY RABBIT. [LAUGHTER] YOU KNOW, WE HAVE A RABBIT.

[LAUGHTER] YOU KNOW, WE HAVE A RABBIT. WE DO!

YOU KNOW, WE HAVE A RABBIT. WE DO! ALL RIGHT, AND NOW HERE'S THE

WE DO! ALL RIGHT, AND NOW HERE'S THE MELS' CUTE LITTLE SON.

ALL RIGHT, AND NOW HERE'S THE MELS' CUTE LITTLE SON. THIS IS JOE MEL JR.

MELS' CUTE LITTLE SON. THIS IS JOE MEL JR. HE'S A SHARP LITTLE GUY, AND

THIS IS JOE MEL JR. HE'S A SHARP LITTLE GUY, AND WE'RE EXPECTING A LOT FROM YOU

HE'S A SHARP LITTLE GUY, AND WE'RE EXPECTING A LOT FROM YOU TODAY, LITTLE FELLA!

WE'RE EXPECTING A LOT FROM YOU TODAY, LITTLE FELLA! UH, CAN WE CUT THE

TODAY, LITTLE FELLA! UH, CAN WE CUT THE CONDESCENDING CRAP AND PLAY THE

UH, CAN WE CUT THE CONDESCENDING CRAP AND PLAY THE GAME?

CONDESCENDING CRAP AND PLAY THE GAME? WELL, WHATEVER YOU SAY, JOE.

GAME? WELL, WHATEVER YOU SAY, JOE. OKAY, LET'S MEET THE

WELL, WHATEVER YOU SAY, JOE. OKAY, LET'S MEET THE CHALLENGERS, THE BELDAR CONEHEAD

OKAY, LET'S MEET THE CHALLENGERS, THE BELDAR CONEHEAD FAMILY!

CHALLENGERS, THE BELDAR CONEHEAD FAMILY! COME ON OUT HERE, CONEHEADS!

FAMILY! COME ON OUT HERE, CONEHEADS! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

COME ON OUT HERE, CONEHEADS! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] HELLO, BELDAR.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] HELLO, BELDAR. GREETINGS.

HELLO, BELDAR. GREETINGS. HEY, YOU'RE A BIG FELLA.

GREETINGS. HEY, YOU'RE A BIG FELLA. WHAT DO YOU DO FOR A LIVING?

HEY, YOU'RE A BIG FELLA. WHAT DO YOU DO FOR A LIVING? I AM A DRIVING INSTRUCTOR.

WHAT DO YOU DO FOR A LIVING? I AM A DRIVING INSTRUCTOR. MM-HMM.

I AM A DRIVING INSTRUCTOR. MM-HMM. AND WHERE DO YOU FOLKS COME

MM-HMM. AND WHERE DO YOU FOLKS COME FROM?

AND WHERE DO YOU FOLKS COME FROM? FRANCE.

FROM? FRANCE. WE COME FROM FRANCE.

FRANCE. WE COME FROM FRANCE. OKAY, AND HELLO THERE,

WE COME FROM FRANCE. OKAY, AND HELLO THERE, MRS. CONEHEAD.

OKAY, AND HELLO THERE, MRS. CONEHEAD. MWAH!

MRS. CONEHEAD. MWAH! WHAT'S YOUR NAME, AND WHAT DO

MWAH! WHAT'S YOUR NAME, AND WHAT DO YOU DO BESIDES KEEPING BELDAR

WHAT'S YOUR NAME, AND WHAT DO YOU DO BESIDES KEEPING BELDAR HAPPY?

YOU DO BESIDES KEEPING BELDAR HAPPY? I AM PRYMAAT.

HAPPY? I AM PRYMAAT. I MAINTAIN OUR HOME BASE AND

I AM PRYMAAT. I MAINTAIN OUR HOME BASE AND ENJOY PREPARING MASS QUANTITIES

I MAINTAIN OUR HOME BASE AND ENJOY PREPARING MASS QUANTITIES OF CONSUMABLES FOR MY FAMILY

ENJOY PREPARING MASS QUANTITIES OF CONSUMABLES FOR MY FAMILY UNIT.

OF CONSUMABLES FOR MY FAMILY UNIT. MM-HMM, WELL, GOOD LUCK TO

UNIT. MM-HMM, WELL, GOOD LUCK TO YOU, PRYMAAT, AND THIS IS YOUR

MM-HMM, WELL, GOOD LUCK TO YOU, PRYMAAT, AND THIS IS YOUR LOVELY DAUGHTER.

YOU, PRYMAAT, AND THIS IS YOUR LOVELY DAUGHTER. I SEE WHERE YOU GET HER GOOD

LOVELY DAUGHTER. I SEE WHERE YOU GET HER GOOD LOOKS.

I SEE WHERE YOU GET HER GOOD LOOKS. YOU'RE FRENCH, SO I'M GONNA GIVE

LOOKS. YOU'RE FRENCH, SO I'M GONNA GIVE YOU A FRENCH KISS.

YOU'RE FRENCH, SO I'M GONNA GIVE YOU A FRENCH KISS. HOW'S THAT?

YOU A FRENCH KISS. HOW'S THAT? MMM!

HOW'S THAT? MMM! OH, BABY! OH, BABY!

MMM! OH, BABY! OH, BABY! MMM.

OH, BABY! OH, BABY! MMM. WELL, UH, THEY START EARLY IN

MMM. WELL, UH, THEY START EARLY IN FRANCE, WHAT THE HECK?

WELL, UH, THEY START EARLY IN FRANCE, WHAT THE HECK? WHAT'S YOUR NAME, DEAR?

FRANCE, WHAT THE HECK? WHAT'S YOUR NAME, DEAR? WHAT DO YOU DO?

WHAT'S YOUR NAME, DEAR? WHAT DO YOU DO? MY NAME IS CONNIE, AND I AM

WHAT DO YOU DO? MY NAME IS CONNIE, AND I AM 16 EARTH YEARS OLD.

MY NAME IS CONNIE, AND I AM 16 EARTH YEARS OLD. ALL RIGHT.

16 EARTH YEARS OLD. ALL RIGHT. THERE'S OUR FAMILIES.

ALL RIGHT. THERE'S OUR FAMILIES. NOW LET'S START THE FEUD.

THERE'S OUR FAMILIES. NOW LET'S START THE FEUD. COME ON, JOE AND BELDAR.

NOW LET'S START THE FEUD. COME ON, JOE AND BELDAR. LET'S GO.

COME ON, JOE AND BELDAR. LET'S GO. [APPLAUSE]

LET'S GO. [APPLAUSE] OKAY, DOCTOR, WE'RE GONNA NEED A

[APPLAUSE] OKAY, DOCTOR, WE'RE GONNA NEED A LITTLE MORE ROOM, BIG FELLA.

OKAY, DOCTOR, WE'RE GONNA NEED A LITTLE MORE ROOM, BIG FELLA. THERE YOU GO.

LITTLE MORE ROOM, BIG FELLA. THERE YOU GO. STAND BEHIND THIS LINE OR YOU'LL

THERE YOU GO. STAND BEHIND THIS LINE OR YOU'LL GET HIT.

STAND BEHIND THIS LINE OR YOU'LL GET HIT. ALL RIGHT.

GET HIT. ALL RIGHT. HERE'S THE TOSS-UP QUESTION,

ALL RIGHT. HERE'S THE TOSS-UP QUESTION, WHICH WE ASKED OF 100 PEOPLE IN

HERE'S THE TOSS-UP QUESTION, WHICH WE ASKED OF 100 PEOPLE IN OUR STUDIO AUDIENCE.

WHICH WE ASKED OF 100 PEOPLE IN OUR STUDIO AUDIENCE. TRY TO GIVE THE ANSWER THAT THEY

OUR STUDIO AUDIENCE. TRY TO GIVE THE ANSWER THAT THEY GAVE THE MOST, ALL RIGHT?

TRY TO GIVE THE ANSWER THAT THEY GAVE THE MOST, ALL RIGHT? NAME SOMETHING PEOPLE LIKE TO

GAVE THE MOST, ALL RIGHT? NAME SOMETHING PEOPLE LIKE TO BITE.

NAME SOMETHING PEOPLE LIKE TO BITE. [RINGING]

BITE. [RINGING] PROTOID CAPSULES.

[RINGING] PROTOID CAPSULES. PROTOID CAPSULES?

PROTOID CAPSULES. PROTOID CAPSULES? THAT'S AN INTERESTING ANSWER.

PROTOID CAPSULES? THAT'S AN INTERESTING ANSWER. I NEVER WOULD HAVE SAID THAT,

THAT'S AN INTERESTING ANSWER. I NEVER WOULD HAVE SAID THAT, BUT YOU SAID THAT, BIG GUY.

I NEVER WOULD HAVE SAID THAT, BUT YOU SAID THAT, BIG GUY. SO, SHOW ME "PROTOID CAPSULES"!

BUT YOU SAID THAT, BIG GUY. SO, SHOW ME "PROTOID CAPSULES"! [BUZZER SOUNDS]

SO, SHOW ME "PROTOID CAPSULES"! [BUZZER SOUNDS] [CONEHEADS IMITATING BUZZER]

[BUZZER SOUNDS] [CONEHEADS IMITATING BUZZER] TOUGH LUCK THERE, BELDAR.

[CONEHEADS IMITATING BUZZER] TOUGH LUCK THERE, BELDAR. THAT'S A VERY INTERESTING HEAD

TOUGH LUCK THERE, BELDAR. THAT'S A VERY INTERESTING HEAD YOU HAVE THERE.

THAT'S A VERY INTERESTING HEAD YOU HAVE THERE. WHAT DO I DO, BREAK IT OPEN AND

YOU HAVE THERE. WHAT DO I DO, BREAK IT OPEN AND LET ALL THE PRESENTS FALL OUT?

WHAT DO I DO, BREAK IT OPEN AND LET ALL THE PRESENTS FALL OUT? [CHUCKLES]

LET ALL THE PRESENTS FALL OUT? [CHUCKLES] ALL RIGHT, MEL FAMILY, YOU MIGHT

[CHUCKLES] ALL RIGHT, MEL FAMILY, YOU MIGHT BE ABLE TO STEAL THIS ONE IF YOU

ALL RIGHT, MEL FAMILY, YOU MIGHT BE ABLE TO STEAL THIS ONE IF YOU CAN TELL ME SOMETHING THAT THE

BE ABLE TO STEAL THIS ONE IF YOU CAN TELL ME SOMETHING THAT THE AUDIENCE SAYS PEOPLE LIKE TO

CAN TELL ME SOMETHING THAT THE AUDIENCE SAYS PEOPLE LIKE TO BITE.

AUDIENCE SAYS PEOPLE LIKE TO BITE. UH... ROMAINE LETTUCE.

BITE. UH... ROMAINE LETTUCE. OKAY.

UH... ROMAINE LETTUCE. OKAY. SHOW ME "ROMAINE LETTUCE"!

OKAY. SHOW ME "ROMAINE LETTUCE"! [DING!]

SHOW ME "ROMAINE LETTUCE"! [DING!] ALL RIGHT, ONE PERSON SAID

[DING!] ALL RIGHT, ONE PERSON SAID "ROMAINE LETTUCE".

ALL RIGHT, ONE PERSON SAID "ROMAINE LETTUCE". YOU'RE ON THE BOARD.

"ROMAINE LETTUCE". YOU'RE ON THE BOARD. NOW, MEL FAMILY, ARE YOU GONNA

YOU'RE ON THE BOARD. NOW, MEL FAMILY, ARE YOU GONNA PASS OR PLAY?

NOW, MEL FAMILY, ARE YOU GONNA PASS OR PLAY? PASS! PASS! PASS!

PASS OR PLAY? PASS! PASS! PASS! PLAY! PLAY! PLAY!

PASS! PASS! PASS! PLAY! PLAY! PLAY! THAT'S A TOUGH QUESTION.

PLAY! PLAY! PLAY! THAT'S A TOUGH QUESTION. I CAN ONLY THINK OF ROMAINE

THAT'S A TOUGH QUESTION. I CAN ONLY THINK OF ROMAINE LETTUCE.

I CAN ONLY THINK OF ROMAINE LETTUCE. WE'RE GONNA PASS.

LETTUCE. WE'RE GONNA PASS. ALL RIGHT.

WE'RE GONNA PASS. ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT, PRYMAAT, WHAT ELSE DO

ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT, PRYMAAT, WHAT ELSE DO YOU THINK OUR SURVEY SHOWED

ALL RIGHT, PRYMAAT, WHAT ELSE DO YOU THINK OUR SURVEY SHOWED PEOPLE LIKE TO BITE?

YOU THINK OUR SURVEY SHOWED PEOPLE LIKE TO BITE? ORGANICALLY INACTIVE MEAT OR

PEOPLE LIKE TO BITE? ORGANICALLY INACTIVE MEAT OR VEGETABLE MATTER BETWEEN TWO

ORGANICALLY INACTIVE MEAT OR VEGETABLE MATTER BETWEEN TWO STARCHED PLAINS.

VEGETABLE MATTER BETWEEN TWO STARCHED PLAINS. IT'S A LONG WALK BACK TO

STARCHED PLAINS. IT'S A LONG WALK BACK TO FRANCE IF YOU DON'T GET THIS ONE

IT'S A LONG WALK BACK TO FRANCE IF YOU DON'T GET THIS ONE RIGHT, PRYMAAT.

FRANCE IF YOU DON'T GET THIS ONE RIGHT, PRYMAAT. ALL RIGHT.

RIGHT, PRYMAAT. ALL RIGHT. SHOW ME "ORGANICALLY INACTIVE

ALL RIGHT. SHOW ME "ORGANICALLY INACTIVE MEAT OR VEGETABLE MATTER BETWEEN

SHOW ME "ORGANICALLY INACTIVE MEAT OR VEGETABLE MATTER BETWEEN TWO STARCHED PLAINS!"

MEAT OR VEGETABLE MATTER BETWEEN TWO STARCHED PLAINS!" [DING!]

TWO STARCHED PLAINS!" [DING!] SANDWICH! ALL RIGHT!

[DING!] SANDWICH! ALL RIGHT! THAT'S ACCEPTABLE. OKAY.

SANDWICH! ALL RIGHT! THAT'S ACCEPTABLE. OKAY. 12 PEOPLE SAID SANDWICH.

THAT'S ACCEPTABLE. OKAY. 12 PEOPLE SAID SANDWICH. ALL RIGHT, CONNIE, SOMETHING

12 PEOPLE SAID SANDWICH. ALL RIGHT, CONNIE, SOMETHING THAT PEOPLE LIKE TO BITE.

ALL RIGHT, CONNIE, SOMETHING THAT PEOPLE LIKE TO BITE. HMM. THE BIG ONE!

THAT PEOPLE LIKE TO BITE. HMM. THE BIG ONE! BITE THE BIG ONE, ALL RIGHT.

HMM. THE BIG ONE! BITE THE BIG ONE, ALL RIGHT. DOES OUR AUDIENCE BITE THE BIG

BITE THE BIG ONE, ALL RIGHT. DOES OUR AUDIENCE BITE THE BIG ONE?

DOES OUR AUDIENCE BITE THE BIG ONE? WELL, WE ALL WANT TO KNOW THAT

ONE? WELL, WE ALL WANT TO KNOW THAT ONE.

WELL, WE ALL WANT TO KNOW THAT ONE. WE'RE GONNA FIND OUT RIGHT NOW.

ONE. WE'RE GONNA FIND OUT RIGHT NOW. SHOW ME "THE BIG ONE!"

WE'RE GONNA FIND OUT RIGHT NOW. SHOW ME "THE BIG ONE!" [DING!]

SHOW ME "THE BIG ONE!" [DING!] ALL RIGHT!

[DING!] ALL RIGHT! ALL RIGHT.

ALL RIGHT! ALL RIGHT. YOU'RE REALLY ROLLING NOW,

ALL RIGHT. YOU'RE REALLY ROLLING NOW, CONEHEADS.

YOU'RE REALLY ROLLING NOW, CONEHEADS. NOW, IT'S UP TO YOU, BELDAR.

CONEHEADS. NOW, IT'S UP TO YOU, BELDAR. WHAT ELSE DO PEOPLE LIKE TO

NOW, IT'S UP TO YOU, BELDAR. WHAT ELSE DO PEOPLE LIKE TO BITE?

WHAT ELSE DO PEOPLE LIKE TO BITE? A TRAPEZE!

BITE? A TRAPEZE! JUST OUT OF CURIOSITY,

A TRAPEZE! JUST OUT OF CURIOSITY, BELDAR, ARE YOU CIRCUS FOLKS?

JUST OUT OF CURIOSITY, BELDAR, ARE YOU CIRCUS FOLKS? [SPEAKING NATIVE LANGUAGE]

BELDAR, ARE YOU CIRCUS FOLKS? [SPEAKING NATIVE LANGUAGE] [LAUGHTER]

[SPEAKING NATIVE LANGUAGE] [LAUGHTER] WELL, I HAD TO ASK.

[LAUGHTER] WELL, I HAD TO ASK. ALL RIGHT, SHOW ME "TRAPEZE"!

WELL, I HAD TO ASK. ALL RIGHT, SHOW ME "TRAPEZE"! [BUZZER SOUNDS]

ALL RIGHT, SHOW ME "TRAPEZE"! [BUZZER SOUNDS] [CONEHEADS IMITATING BUZZER]

[BUZZER SOUNDS] [CONEHEADS IMITATING BUZZER] ALL RIGHT.

[CONEHEADS IMITATING BUZZER] ALL RIGHT. MEL FAMILY, NOW YOU'VE GOT A

ALL RIGHT. MEL FAMILY, NOW YOU'VE GOT A CHANCE TO STEAL ALL THE POINTS

MEL FAMILY, NOW YOU'VE GOT A CHANCE TO STEAL ALL THE POINTS AND WIN THE GAME.

CHANCE TO STEAL ALL THE POINTS AND WIN THE GAME. OKAY, CHICKEN NECK!

AND WIN THE GAME. OKAY, CHICKEN NECK! WHAT'S IT GONNA BE?

OKAY, CHICKEN NECK! WHAT'S IT GONNA BE? THE LIP SKIN OF A DOG!

WHAT'S IT GONNA BE? THE LIP SKIN OF A DOG! DAD, WILL YOU LISTEN TO ME

THE LIP SKIN OF A DOG! DAD, WILL YOU LISTEN TO ME FOR ONCE IN YOUR LIFE?

DAD, WILL YOU LISTEN TO ME FOR ONCE IN YOUR LIFE? I'M TELLING YOU IT'S CHICKEN

FOR ONCE IN YOUR LIFE? I'M TELLING YOU IT'S CHICKEN NECK.

I'M TELLING YOU IT'S CHICKEN NECK. WOULD YOU SHUT UP AND LET ME

NECK. WOULD YOU SHUT UP AND LET ME DECIDE?!

WOULD YOU SHUT UP AND LET ME DECIDE?! WE'LL GO WITH CHICKEN NECK ON

DECIDE?! WE'LL GO WITH CHICKEN NECK ON THIS.

WE'LL GO WITH CHICKEN NECK ON THIS. OKAY, JOE, YOU'RE GONNA TAKE

THIS. OKAY, JOE, YOU'RE GONNA TAKE JOE JR.'s ADVICE, AND IF YOU'RE

OKAY, JOE, YOU'RE GONNA TAKE JOE JR.'s ADVICE, AND IF YOU'RE WRONG, THE CONEHEADS WILL WIN.

JOE JR.'s ADVICE, AND IF YOU'RE WRONG, THE CONEHEADS WILL WIN. CHICKEN NECK! CHICKEN NECK!

WRONG, THE CONEHEADS WILL WIN. CHICKEN NECK! CHICKEN NECK! ALL RIGHT. GOOD LUCK.

CHICKEN NECK! CHICKEN NECK! ALL RIGHT. GOOD LUCK. SHOW ME "CHICKEN NECK"!

ALL RIGHT. GOOD LUCK. SHOW ME "CHICKEN NECK"! [BUZZER SOUNDS]

SHOW ME "CHICKEN NECK"! [BUZZER SOUNDS] [CONEHEADS IMITATING BUZZER]

[BUZZER SOUNDS] [CONEHEADS IMITATING BUZZER] YOU STUPID MORON!

[CONEHEADS IMITATING BUZZER] YOU STUPID MORON! WE'RE SENDING YOU TO MILITARY

YOU STUPID MORON! WE'RE SENDING YOU TO MILITARY SCHOOL!

WE'RE SENDING YOU TO MILITARY SCHOOL! I WANT TO GO! I WANT TO GO!

SCHOOL! I WANT TO GO! I WANT TO GO! OH, SHUT UP.

I WANT TO GO! I WANT TO GO! OH, SHUT UP. YOU DON'T DESERVE MY NAME!

OH, SHUT UP. YOU DON'T DESERVE MY NAME! I DON'T WANT IT!

YOU DON'T DESERVE MY NAME! I DON'T WANT IT! I DON'T WANT IT!

I DON'T WANT IT! I DON'T WANT IT! WELL, WHAT A HAPPY, HAPPY

I DON'T WANT IT! WELL, WHAT A HAPPY, HAPPY BUNCH OF CONEHEADS!

WELL, WHAT A HAPPY, HAPPY BUNCH OF CONEHEADS! HOW ABOUT IT, CONEHEADS?

BUNCH OF CONEHEADS! HOW ABOUT IT, CONEHEADS? [HIGH-PITCHED SQUEALING]

HOW ABOUT IT, CONEHEADS? [HIGH-PITCHED SQUEALING] WELL, WE'RE AWFULLY SORRY, MEL

[HIGH-PITCHED SQUEALING] WELL, WE'RE AWFULLY SORRY, MEL FAMILY, BUT I GUESS YOU'RE OUT.

WELL, WE'RE AWFULLY SORRY, MEL FAMILY, BUT I GUESS YOU'RE OUT. WELL, WE KNEW THEY'D WIN WHEN

FAMILY, BUT I GUESS YOU'RE OUT. WELL, WE KNEW THEY'D WIN WHEN WE SAW THE SIZE OF THEIR HEADS.

WELL, WE KNEW THEY'D WIN WHEN WE SAW THE SIZE OF THEIR HEADS. WELL, I'M SURE THAT WAS SAID

WE SAW THE SIZE OF THEIR HEADS. WELL, I'M SURE THAT WAS SAID IN THE BEST SPIRIT OF THE GAME,

WELL, I'M SURE THAT WAS SAID IN THE BEST SPIRIT OF THE GAME, HUH?

IN THE BEST SPIRIT OF THE GAME, HUH? NO, IT WASN'T.

HUH? NO, IT WASN'T. [CHUCKLES]

NO, IT WASN'T. [CHUCKLES] WELL, NOBODY CARES BECAUSE

[CHUCKLES] WELL, NOBODY CARES BECAUSE YOU'RE LOSERS.

WELL, NOBODY CARES BECAUSE YOU'RE LOSERS. WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT THAT?

YOU'RE LOSERS. WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT THAT? ALL RIGHT, BELDAR CONEHEAD

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT THAT? ALL RIGHT, BELDAR CONEHEAD FAMILY, YOUR FAMILY'S GOT A

ALL RIGHT, BELDAR CONEHEAD FAMILY, YOUR FAMILY'S GOT A CHANCE TO PLAY FAST MONEY.

FAMILY, YOUR FAMILY'S GOT A CHANCE TO PLAY FAST MONEY. WHO'S GONNA PLAY FOR IT FOR YOU?

CHANCE TO PLAY FAST MONEY. WHO'S GONNA PLAY FOR IT FOR YOU? I, BELDAR, WILL ATTEMPT TO

WHO'S GONNA PLAY FOR IT FOR YOU? I, BELDAR, WILL ATTEMPT TO OBTAIN FAST MONEY.

I, BELDAR, WILL ATTEMPT TO OBTAIN FAST MONEY. ALL RIGHT, BELDAR, COME ON!

OBTAIN FAST MONEY. ALL RIGHT, BELDAR, COME ON! LET'S MAKE SOME FAST MONEY!

ALL RIGHT, BELDAR, COME ON! LET'S MAKE SOME FAST MONEY! COME ON DOWN HERE!

LET'S MAKE SOME FAST MONEY! COME ON DOWN HERE! ALL RIGHT, BELDAR, I'M GONNA ASK

COME ON DOWN HERE! ALL RIGHT, BELDAR, I'M GONNA ASK YOU FIVE QUESTIONS APIECE, FROM

ALL RIGHT, BELDAR, I'M GONNA ASK YOU FIVE QUESTIONS APIECE, FROM $100 APIECE, AND YOU ANSWER THEM

YOU FIVE QUESTIONS APIECE, FROM $100 APIECE, AND YOU ANSWER THEM ALL IN 15 SECONDS, OKAY?

$100 APIECE, AND YOU ANSWER THEM ALL IN 15 SECONDS, OKAY? I WANT YOU TO TELL ME THE FIRST

ALL IN 15 SECONDS, OKAY? I WANT YOU TO TELL ME THE FIRST THING THAT COMES INTO YOUR

I WANT YOU TO TELL ME THE FIRST THING THAT COMES INTO YOUR HEAD, WHICH WILL PROBABLY BE A

THING THAT COMES INTO YOUR HEAD, WHICH WILL PROBABLY BE A LOW-FLYING PLANE, AND WE'LL SEE

HEAD, WHICH WILL PROBABLY BE A LOW-FLYING PLANE, AND WE'LL SEE HOW IT JIVES WITH OUR AUDIENCE

LOW-FLYING PLANE, AND WE'LL SEE HOW IT JIVES WITH OUR AUDIENCE SURVEY, OKAY?

HOW IT JIVES WITH OUR AUDIENCE SURVEY, OKAY? PROCEED, HUMAN, PROCEED!

SURVEY, OKAY? PROCEED, HUMAN, PROCEED! IS THAT LIKE "GO, MAN, GO"?

ALL RIGHT, NAME A FAMOUS

EXPLORER.

ZYTHRON THE INSISTENT.

[BUZZER SOUNDS]

THE BIGGEST HOLIDAY OF THE

YEAR.

THE MOONS OF MYPZOR.

[BUZZER SOUNDS]

A PLACE YOU KEEP YOUR

VALUABLES.

IN A MOLDROTH ION FIELD.

[BUZZER SOUNDS]

A MODE OF TRANSPORTATION.

THE FOAM SHOE.

[BUZZER SOUNDS]

SOMETHING YOU EAT WITH EGGS.

FIBERGLASS.

OKAY, BELDAR, VERY INTERESTING. YOU WERE ON QUITE A ROLL THERE,

INTERESTING. YOU WERE ON QUITE A ROLL THERE, FELLA.

YOU WERE ON QUITE A ROLL THERE, FELLA. NO POINTS, NO MONEY... DON'T

FELLA. NO POINTS, NO MONEY... DON'T FEEL BAD ABOUT IT, THOUGH.

NO POINTS, NO MONEY... DON'T FEEL BAD ABOUT IT, THOUGH. WE'LL BE BACK TOMORROW, AND

FEEL BAD ABOUT IT, THOUGH. WE'LL BE BACK TOMORROW, AND YOU'LL HAVE ANOTHER CHANCE AT

WE'LL BE BACK TOMORROW, AND YOU'LL HAVE ANOTHER CHANCE AT THE FAST MONEY.

YOU'LL HAVE ANOTHER CHANCE AT THE FAST MONEY. UNTIL THEN, EVERYBODY,

THE FAST MONEY. UNTIL THEN, EVERYBODY, REMEMBER... OLD PEOPLE ARE OUR

UNTIL THEN, EVERYBODY, REMEMBER... OLD PEOPLE ARE OUR GREATEST NATIONAL RESOURCE.

REMEMBER... OLD PEOPLE ARE OUR GREATEST NATIONAL RESOURCE. [IMITATING BUZZER]

GREATEST NATIONAL RESOURCE. [IMITATING BUZZER] SO, CHECK IN ONE TODAY AND PUSH

[IMITATING BUZZER] SO, CHECK IN ONE TODAY AND PUSH THEM AROUND THE BLOCK.

SO, CHECK IN ONE TODAY AND PUSH THEM AROUND THE BLOCK. SO LONG, EVERYBODY!

THEM AROUND THE BLOCK. SO LONG, EVERYBODY! [CONEHEADS IMITATING BUZZER]

GOOD EVENING. I'M JOAN CAGE. WELCOME AGAIN TO "WHAT IF?" THIS WEEK'S "WHAT IF?" COMES

WELCOME AGAIN TO "WHAT IF?" THIS WEEK'S "WHAT IF?" COMES FROM A MR. KEVIN O'DONNELL, AGE

THIS WEEK'S "WHAT IF?" COMES FROM A MR. KEVIN O'DONNELL, AGE 9, A PAPERBOY FROM ALTON,

FROM A MR. KEVIN O'DONNELL, AGE 9, A PAPERBOY FROM ALTON, ILLINOIS.

9, A PAPERBOY FROM ALTON, ILLINOIS. KEVIN ASKS, "WHAT IF NAPOLEON

ILLINOIS. KEVIN ASKS, "WHAT IF NAPOLEON HAD A B-52 AT THE BATTLE OF

KEVIN ASKS, "WHAT IF NAPOLEON HAD A B-52 AT THE BATTLE OF WATERLOO?"

WITH US TO HELP ANSWER THIS

QUESTION IS TONIGHT'S "WHAT IF?"

PANEL OF EXPERTS,

MR. JULIUS CARRUTHERS, A

CUM LAUDE GRADUATE OF

HOWARD UNIVERSITY IN MODERN

EUROPEAN HISTORY AND FRENCH,

AND COLONEL RAY EGGHARDT OF THE

LONG ISLAND POST OF THE

INTERNATIONAL GUARD RESERVE,

RETIRED.

MR. CARRUTHERS, WHAT IF NAPOLEON HAD A B-52 AT THE BATTLE OF WATERLOO?

HAD A B-52 AT THE BATTLE OF WATERLOO? WELL, AT THE OFFSET, LET ME

WATERLOO? WELL, AT THE OFFSET, LET ME POINT OUT TO KEVIN THAT IN THE

WELL, AT THE OFFSET, LET ME POINT OUT TO KEVIN THAT IN THE YEAR 1815, NAPOLEON'S LUCK

POINT OUT TO KEVIN THAT IN THE YEAR 1815, NAPOLEON'S LUCK FINALLY RAN OUT.

YEAR 1815, NAPOLEON'S LUCK FINALLY RAN OUT. VIRTUALLY ALL EUROPE WAS ALLIED

FINALLY RAN OUT. VIRTUALLY ALL EUROPE WAS ALLIED AGAINST HIM... AUSTRIA, RUSSIA,

VIRTUALLY ALL EUROPE WAS ALLIED AGAINST HIM... AUSTRIA, RUSSIA, PRUSSIA, AND GREAT BRITAIN HAD

AGAINST HIM... AUSTRIA, RUSSIA, PRUSSIA, AND GREAT BRITAIN HAD UNITED AT WATERLOO FOR ONE

PRUSSIA, AND GREAT BRITAIN HAD UNITED AT WATERLOO FOR ONE PURPOSE... THE DOWNFALL OF HIS

UNITED AT WATERLOO FOR ONE PURPOSE... THE DOWNFALL OF HIS EMPIRE.

PURPOSE... THE DOWNFALL OF HIS EMPIRE. I HAVE TO AGREE WITH

EMPIRE. I HAVE TO AGREE WITH MR. CARRUTHERS.

I HAVE TO AGREE WITH MR. CARRUTHERS. NAPOLEON'S SITUATION AT

MR. CARRUTHERS. NAPOLEON'S SITUATION AT WATERLOO COULD HARDLY HAVE BEEN

NAPOLEON'S SITUATION AT WATERLOO COULD HARDLY HAVE BEEN WORSE.

WATERLOO COULD HARDLY HAVE BEEN WORSE. HE WOULD HAVE JUMPED AT THE

WORSE. HE WOULD HAVE JUMPED AT THE CHANCE TO USE A B-52.

HE WOULD HAVE JUMPED AT THE CHANCE TO USE A B-52. MM-HMM.

CHANCE TO USE A B-52. MM-HMM. SO, YOU THINK IT WOULD HAVE

MM-HMM. SO, YOU THINK IT WOULD HAVE MADE A DIFFERENCE IN THE BATTLE.

SO, YOU THINK IT WOULD HAVE MADE A DIFFERENCE IN THE BATTLE. WELL, JOAN, THE USE OF ANY

MADE A DIFFERENCE IN THE BATTLE. WELL, JOAN, THE USE OF ANY AIR SUPPORT IN THE YEAR 1815

WELL, JOAN, THE USE OF ANY AIR SUPPORT IN THE YEAR 1815 WOULD HAVE BEEN EFFECTIVE,

AIR SUPPORT IN THE YEAR 1815 WOULD HAVE BEEN EFFECTIVE, PARTICULARLY AN AIRCRAFT WITH

WOULD HAVE BEEN EFFECTIVE, PARTICULARLY AN AIRCRAFT WITH THE STRATEGIC CAPABILITIES OF

PARTICULARLY AN AIRCRAFT WITH THE STRATEGIC CAPABILITIES OF THE B-52.

THE STRATEGIC CAPABILITIES OF THE B-52. WHICH BRINGS US TO OUR

THE B-52. WHICH BRINGS US TO OUR DRAMATIZATION OF TONIGHT'S

WHICH BRINGS US TO OUR DRAMATIZATION OF TONIGHT'S HISTORICAL HYPOTHESIS... "WHAT

DRAMATIZATION OF TONIGHT'S HISTORICAL HYPOTHESIS... "WHAT IF NAPOLEON HAD A B-52 AT THE

HISTORICAL HYPOTHESIS... "WHAT IF NAPOLEON HAD A B-52 AT THE BATTLE OF WATERLOO?"

IF NAPOLEON HAD A B-52 AT THE BATTLE OF WATERLOO?" [DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS]

[French accent] IT'S

HOPELESS.

VIRTUALLY ALL IS LOST.

EUROPE HAS ALLIED AGAINST ME...

AUSTRIA, RUSSIA, PRUSSIA, AND

ENGLAND.

I MIGHT AS WELL GIVE UP! [French accent] OH, NAPPY, DON'T DESPAIR.

[French accent] OH, NAPPY, DON'T DESPAIR. I KNOW YOU.

DON'T DESPAIR. I KNOW YOU. YOU WERE LIKE THIS IN

I KNOW YOU. YOU WERE LIKE THIS IN AUSTERLITZ.

YOU WERE LIKE THIS IN AUSTERLITZ. SOMETHING GOOD IS BOUND TO

AUSTERLITZ. SOMETHING GOOD IS BOUND TO HAPPEN!

SOMETHING GOOD IS BOUND TO HAPPEN! NOT THIS TIME.

HAPPEN! NOT THIS TIME. I'M AFRAID MY LUCK HAS RUN OUT.

NOT THIS TIME. I'M AFRAID MY LUCK HAS RUN OUT. [French accent] YOUR

I'M AFRAID MY LUCK HAS RUN OUT. [French accent] YOUR EXCELLENCY, YOU WON'T BELIEVE

[French accent] YOUR EXCELLENCY, YOU WON'T BELIEVE WHAT WE'VE JUST FOUND!

EXCELLENCY, YOU WON'T BELIEVE WHAT WE'VE JUST FOUND! I DON'T EVEN WANT TO HEAR

WHAT WE'VE JUST FOUND! I DON'T EVEN WANT TO HEAR ABOUT IT.

I DON'T EVEN WANT TO HEAR ABOUT IT. BUT YOUR EXCELLENCY, IT'S A

ABOUT IT. BUT YOUR EXCELLENCY, IT'S A FUELED, FULLY ARMED BOEING B-52

BUT YOUR EXCELLENCY, IT'S A FUELED, FULLY ARMED BOEING B-52 STRATOFORTRESS WITH A

FUELED, FULLY ARMED BOEING B-52 STRATOFORTRESS WITH A FULL-COMPLEMENT CREW OF SIX!

STRATOFORTRESS WITH A FULL-COMPLEMENT CREW OF SIX! YOU MUST AT LEAST COME AND HAVE

FULL-COMPLEMENT CREW OF SIX! YOU MUST AT LEAST COME AND HAVE A LOOK!

YOU MUST AT LEAST COME AND HAVE A LOOK! WHY BOTHER?

A LOOK! WHY BOTHER? OH, MON DIEU!

WHY BOTHER? OH, MON DIEU! STOP WITH THIS SELF-PITY.

OH, MON DIEU! STOP WITH THIS SELF-PITY. WHAT HAVE YOU GOT TO LOSE?

STOP WITH THIS SELF-PITY. WHAT HAVE YOU GOT TO LOSE? PERHAPS YOU ARE RIGHT, MY

WHAT HAVE YOU GOT TO LOSE? PERHAPS YOU ARE RIGHT, MY DEAR.

PERHAPS YOU ARE RIGHT, MY DEAR. IF WE FAIL, WE LOSE.

DEAR. IF WE FAIL, WE LOSE. IF WE SUCCEED, WE WIN.

IF WE FAIL, WE LOSE. IF WE SUCCEED, WE WIN. LET'S BOLT.

IF WE SUCCEED, WE WIN. LET'S BOLT. ["LA MARSEILLAISE" PLAYS]

YES, THIS IS REALLY QUITE INCREDIBLE. AH, ISN'T IT HARD TO BELIEVE?

INCREDIBLE. AH, ISN'T IT HARD TO BELIEVE? [Southern accent] UH,

AH, ISN'T IT HARD TO BELIEVE? [Southern accent] UH, EMPEROR?

[Southern accent] UH, EMPEROR? I GUESS I'LL JUST CALL YOU

EMPEROR? I GUESS I'LL JUST CALL YOU "EMPEROR."

I GUESS I'LL JUST CALL YOU "EMPEROR." WE'RE JUST ABOUT OVER THE TARGET

"EMPEROR." WE'RE JUST ABOUT OVER THE TARGET AREA RIGHT NOW, SIR.

WE'RE JUST ABOUT OVER THE TARGET AREA RIGHT NOW, SIR. TARGET AREA.

AREA RIGHT NOW, SIR. TARGET AREA. WHERE? I DO NOT SEE THEM!

TARGET AREA. WHERE? I DO NOT SEE THEM! I WAS NOT INFORMED!

WHERE? I DO NOT SEE THEM! I WAS NOT INFORMED! NO, NO.

I WAS NOT INFORMED! NO, NO. WELL, THE ENEMY'S GONNA APPEAR

NO, NO. WELL, THE ENEMY'S GONNA APPEAR RIGHT HERE ON THIS SCREEN HERE

WELL, THE ENEMY'S GONNA APPEAR RIGHT HERE ON THIS SCREEN HERE AS THIS BLIP RIGHT HERE.

RIGHT HERE ON THIS SCREEN HERE AS THIS BLIP RIGHT HERE. AND THAT'S ALL YOU GOT TO KNOW

AS THIS BLIP RIGHT HERE. AND THAT'S ALL YOU GOT TO KNOW FROM UP HERE.

AND THAT'S ALL YOU GOT TO KNOW FROM UP HERE. WAIT UNTIL WELLINGTON SEES

FROM UP HERE. WAIT UNTIL WELLINGTON SEES THIS.

WAIT UNTIL WELLINGTON SEES THIS. I'LL BET HE NEVER DREAMED IT

THIS. I'LL BET HE NEVER DREAMED IT POSSIBLE!

I'LL BET HE NEVER DREAMED IT POSSIBLE! OUR MAIN PROCEDURE INITIATED.

POSSIBLE! OUR MAIN PROCEDURE INITIATED. WE HAVE GREEN SEQUENCE.

OUR MAIN PROCEDURE INITIATED. WE HAVE GREEN SEQUENCE. YEAH.

WE HAVE GREEN SEQUENCE. YEAH. OH, THE LIGHTS ARE VERY

YEAH. OH, THE LIGHTS ARE VERY PRETTY.

OH, THE LIGHTS ARE VERY PRETTY. MR. BONAPARTE, WOULD YOU LIKE

PRETTY. MR. BONAPARTE, WOULD YOU LIKE TO COME OVER HERE?

MR. BONAPARTE, WOULD YOU LIKE TO COME OVER HERE? I'LL SHOW YOU SOME OF THE

TO COME OVER HERE? I'LL SHOW YOU SOME OF THE EQUIPMENT THAT WE'LL BE USING

I'LL SHOW YOU SOME OF THE EQUIPMENT THAT WE'LL BE USING AGAINST THE BRITISH TODAY.

EQUIPMENT THAT WE'LL BE USING AGAINST THE BRITISH TODAY. JUST TO FAMILIARIZE YOU WITH OUR

AGAINST THE BRITISH TODAY. JUST TO FAMILIARIZE YOU WITH OUR CONSOLE HERE, THIS SWITCH HERE

JUST TO FAMILIARIZE YOU WITH OUR CONSOLE HERE, THIS SWITCH HERE WILL ACTIVATE EIGHT EXTERNALLY

CONSOLE HERE, THIS SWITCH HERE WILL ACTIVATE EIGHT EXTERNALLY ANCHORED, ROTARY-DISPENSED

WILL ACTIVATE EIGHT EXTERNALLY ANCHORED, ROTARY-DISPENSED S.R.A.M. MISSILES.

ANCHORED, ROTARY-DISPENSED S.R.A.M. MISSILES. WE LIKE TO CALL THEM "DAISY

S.R.A.M. MISSILES. WE LIKE TO CALL THEM "DAISY CUTTERS," AND RIGHT HERE, THIS

WE LIKE TO CALL THEM "DAISY CUTTERS," AND RIGHT HERE, THIS SWITCH WILL ACTIVATE TWO SMALLER

CUTTERS," AND RIGHT HERE, THIS SWITCH WILL ACTIVATE TWO SMALLER A.G.M. "HOUND DOG" MISSILES.

SWITCH WILL ACTIVATE TWO SMALLER A.G.M. "HOUND DOG" MISSILES. AND RIGHT OVER HERE IS... WELL,

A.G.M. "HOUND DOG" MISSILES. AND RIGHT OVER HERE IS... WELL, THIS DROPS ALL THE MARBLES.

AND RIGHT OVER HERE IS... WELL, THIS DROPS ALL THE MARBLES. THAT'S 30,000 K.G.s OF

THIS DROPS ALL THE MARBLES. THAT'S 30,000 K.G.s OF 100-MEGATON CHARGED NUCLEAR

THAT'S 30,000 K.G.s OF 100-MEGATON CHARGED NUCLEAR EXPLOSIVES...

100-MEGATON CHARGED NUCLEAR EXPLOSIVES... WE ARE NOW DIRECTLY OVER THE

EXPLOSIVES... WE ARE NOW DIRECTLY OVER THE TARGET COORDINATES.

WE ARE NOW DIRECTLY OVER THE TARGET COORDINATES. WE HAVE A GREEN SEQUENCE.

TARGET COORDINATES. WE HAVE A GREEN SEQUENCE. SO, UH, WELL, WE'RE RIGHT

WE HAVE A GREEN SEQUENCE. SO, UH, WELL, WE'RE RIGHT OVER THE TARGET RIGHT NOW.

SO, UH, WELL, WE'RE RIGHT OVER THE TARGET RIGHT NOW. EMPEROR, IF YOU'D JUST LIKE TO

OVER THE TARGET RIGHT NOW. EMPEROR, IF YOU'D JUST LIKE TO DROP OUR PRINCIPLE PAYLOAD, AND,

EMPEROR, IF YOU'D JUST LIKE TO DROP OUR PRINCIPLE PAYLOAD, AND, MA'AM, IF YOU'D LIKE TO RELEASE

DROP OUR PRINCIPLE PAYLOAD, AND, MA'AM, IF YOU'D LIKE TO RELEASE OUR AIR-TO-SURFACE MISSILES...

MA'AM, IF YOU'D LIKE TO RELEASE OUR AIR-TO-SURFACE MISSILES... SO LONG AS YOU'RE ABOARD TODAY,

OUR AIR-TO-SURFACE MISSILES... SO LONG AS YOU'RE ABOARD TODAY, MA'AM, WHY DON'T YOU JUST DO

SO LONG AS YOU'RE ABOARD TODAY, MA'AM, WHY DON'T YOU JUST DO THAT?

MA'AM, WHY DON'T YOU JUST DO THAT? I WOULD LOVE TO SEE THE LOOK

THAT? I WOULD LOVE TO SEE THE LOOK ON WELLINGTON'S FACE.

I WOULD LOVE TO SEE THE LOOK ON WELLINGTON'S FACE. [LOUD EXPLOSION]

["LA MARSEILLAISE" PLAYS]

ANY FINAL WORDS, GENTLEMEN? I HAVEN'T PREPARED ANY. WELL, JOAN, I WOULD JUST ADD

I HAVEN'T PREPARED ANY. WELL, JOAN, I WOULD JUST ADD THAT IF NAPOLEON HAD USED A B-52

WELL, JOAN, I WOULD JUST ADD THAT IF NAPOLEON HAD USED A B-52 AT WATERLOO, WE'D PROBABLY ALL

THAT IF NAPOLEON HAD USED A B-52 AT WATERLOO, WE'D PROBABLY ALL BE PARLEZ-VOUSING FRENCH TODAY.

AT WATERLOO, WE'D PROBABLY ALL BE PARLEZ-VOUSING FRENCH TODAY. [LAUGHTER]

BE PARLEZ-VOUSING FRENCH TODAY. [LAUGHTER] WELL, THANK YOU, GENTLEMEN,

[LAUGHTER] WELL, THANK YOU, GENTLEMEN, FOR BEING WITH US, AND, OF

WELL, THANK YOU, GENTLEMEN, FOR BEING WITH US, AND, OF COURSE, THANK YOU, KEVIN, FOR

FOR BEING WITH US, AND, OF COURSE, THANK YOU, KEVIN, FOR YOUR QUESTION.

COURSE, THANK YOU, KEVIN, FOR YOUR QUESTION. NOW FOR THE MAIL ON LAST WEEK'S

YOUR QUESTION. NOW FOR THE MAIL ON LAST WEEK'S SHOW.

NOW FOR THE MAIL ON LAST WEEK'S SHOW. WE GOT THIS FROM A

SHOW. WE GOT THIS FROM A MR. R.J. DROWDEN IN WISCONSIN.

NEVERTHELESS, MR. DROWDEN, WE AT

"WHAT IF?" STAND BY OUR STORY.

WELL, THAT'S ABOUT IT FOR

TONIGHT.

JOIN US NEXT WEEK WHEN WE POSE

THE QUESTION, "WHAT IF GOD AND

SUPERMAN GOT IN A FIGHT?"

GOOD NIGHT.

I WAS IN CALIFORNIA LAST WEEK WITH GARY WEIS, THE FAMOUS FILMMAKER WHO'S MADE SUCH BIG

WITH GARY WEIS, THE FAMOUS FILMMAKER WHO'S MADE SUCH BIG FILMS AS, UM...

FILMMAKER WHO'S MADE SUCH BIG FILMS AS, UM... [CLEARS THROAT]

FILMS AS, UM... [CLEARS THROAT] WELL, HE DID A LOT OF THINGS FOR

[CLEARS THROAT] WELL, HE DID A LOT OF THINGS FOR "SATURDAY NIGHT."

WELL, HE DID A LOT OF THINGS FOR "SATURDAY NIGHT." WE WERE TOGETHER FOR AWHILE, AND

"SATURDAY NIGHT." WE WERE TOGETHER FOR AWHILE, AND WE PUT THIS LITTLE FILM

WE WERE TOGETHER FOR AWHILE, AND WE PUT THIS LITTLE FILM TOGETHER.

WE PUT THIS LITTLE FILM TOGETHER. HOPE YOU ENJOY IT.

TOGETHER. HOPE YOU ENJOY IT. HERE'S THIS WEEK'S FILM BY

HOPE YOU ENJOY IT. HERE'S THIS WEEK'S FILM BY GARY WEIS.

HERE'S THIS WEEK'S FILM BY GARY WEIS. [APPLAUSE]

GARY WEIS. [APPLAUSE] I LOVE SHOW BUSINESS.

[APPLAUSE] I LOVE SHOW BUSINESS. I LOVE THE PEOPLE IN IT.

I LOVE SHOW BUSINESS. I LOVE THE PEOPLE IN IT. THAT'S WHY I THOUGHT WE MIGHT

I LOVE THE PEOPLE IN IT. THAT'S WHY I THOUGHT WE MIGHT DRIVE AROUND BEVERLY HILLS

THAT'S WHY I THOUGHT WE MIGHT DRIVE AROUND BEVERLY HILLS TODAY, BEL AIR, AND I'LL TAKE

DRIVE AROUND BEVERLY HILLS TODAY, BEL AIR, AND I'LL TAKE YOU BY SOME OF THESE

TODAY, BEL AIR, AND I'LL TAKE YOU BY SOME OF THESE CELEBRITIES' HOMES AND SAY HELLO

YOU BY SOME OF THESE CELEBRITIES' HOMES AND SAY HELLO TO THEM.

CELEBRITIES' HOMES AND SAY HELLO TO THEM. THEY'RE GOOD FRIENDS OF MINE.

TO THEM. THEY'RE GOOD FRIENDS OF MINE. HELLO?

THEY'RE GOOD FRIENDS OF MINE. HELLO? HELLO.

HELLO? HELLO. HI.

HELLO. HI. CAN I HELP YOU?

HI. CAN I HELP YOU? YEAH...

CAN I HELP YOU? YEAH... HI, HI, HI.

YEAH... HI, HI, HI. HOW ARE YOU?

HI, HI, HI. HOW ARE YOU? FINE, AND I'M EMBARRASSED 'CAUSE

HOW ARE YOU? FINE, AND I'M EMBARRASSED 'CAUSE I CAN'T REMEMBER YOUR NAME.

FINE, AND I'M EMBARRASSED 'CAUSE I CAN'T REMEMBER YOUR NAME. THAT'S TERRIBLE.

I CAN'T REMEMBER YOUR NAME. THAT'S TERRIBLE. UH, GEORGE CARLIN.

THAT'S TERRIBLE. UH, GEORGE CARLIN. YOU HAVE MAPS TO STARS' HOMES?

UH, GEORGE CARLIN. YOU HAVE MAPS TO STARS' HOMES? YES. DID YOU WANT TO SEE ONE?

YOU HAVE MAPS TO STARS' HOMES? YES. DID YOU WANT TO SEE ONE? YES.

YES. DID YOU WANT TO SEE ONE? YES. SURE!

YES. SURE! YOU GOT MOST OF THE BIG

SURE! YOU GOT MOST OF THE BIG PEOPLE ON HERE?

YOU GOT MOST OF THE BIG PEOPLE ON HERE? UH-HUH, YEAH.

PEOPLE ON HERE? UH-HUH, YEAH. YOU WANT ME TO SHOW YOU WHERE

UH-HUH, YEAH. YOU WANT ME TO SHOW YOU WHERE YOU'RE AT AND HOW TO FOLLOW IT

YOU WANT ME TO SHOW YOU WHERE YOU'RE AT AND HOW TO FOLLOW IT AND TELL YOU ABOUT OUR NEW

YOU'RE AT AND HOW TO FOLLOW IT AND TELL YOU ABOUT OUR NEW STARS?

AND TELL YOU ABOUT OUR NEW STARS? OKAY. NEW STARS?

STARS? OKAY. NEW STARS? UH-HUH.

OKAY. NEW STARS? UH-HUH. FOR AN EXAMPLE...

UH-HUH. FOR AN EXAMPLE... IS JOHN BELUSHI ON HERE?

FOR AN EXAMPLE... IS JOHN BELUSHI ON HERE? NO.

IS JOHN BELUSHI ON HERE? NO. WE'RE RIGHT HERE, RIGHT IN

NO. WE'RE RIGHT HERE, RIGHT IN FRONT OF JERRY LEWIS' HOUSE... A

WE'RE RIGHT HERE, RIGHT IN FRONT OF JERRY LEWIS' HOUSE... A CLOSE, PERSONAL FRIEND OF MINE.

FRONT OF JERRY LEWIS' HOUSE... A CLOSE, PERSONAL FRIEND OF MINE. JERRY IS THE CLOWN PRINCE OF

CLOSE, PERSONAL FRIEND OF MINE. JERRY IS THE CLOWN PRINCE OF COMEDY, AND I'D LOVE TO SAY

JERRY IS THE CLOWN PRINCE OF COMEDY, AND I'D LOVE TO SAY HELLO TO HIM.

COMEDY, AND I'D LOVE TO SAY HELLO TO HIM. JERRY!

HELLO TO HIM. JERRY! HEY!

JERRY! HEY! HEY, JERRY!

HEY! HEY, JERRY! HOW'S IT GOING?

HEY, JERRY! HOW'S IT GOING? HE'S A GOOD GUY.

HOW'S IT GOING? HE'S A GOOD GUY. THAT'S RIGHT... DEBBY BOONE'S

HE'S A GOOD GUY. THAT'S RIGHT... DEBBY BOONE'S HOUSE.

THAT'S RIGHT... DEBBY BOONE'S HOUSE. SHE JUST RECENTLY BOUGHT THIS.

HOUSE. SHE JUST RECENTLY BOUGHT THIS. BELIEVE ME, SHE'S A GOOD, CLOSE,

SHE JUST RECENTLY BOUGHT THIS. BELIEVE ME, SHE'S A GOOD, CLOSE, PERSONAL FRIEND OF MINE, AND I'D

BELIEVE ME, SHE'S A GOOD, CLOSE, PERSONAL FRIEND OF MINE, AND I'D LIKE TO SAY HELLO TO HER.

PERSONAL FRIEND OF MINE, AND I'D LIKE TO SAY HELLO TO HER. DEBBIE!

LIKE TO SAY HELLO TO HER. DEBBIE! HEY, DEBBIE!

DEBBIE! HEY, DEBBIE! WE'RE RIGHT HERE IN FRONT OF

HEY, DEBBIE! WE'RE RIGHT HERE IN FRONT OF SONNY BONO'S HOUSE.

WE'RE RIGHT HERE IN FRONT OF SONNY BONO'S HOUSE. SONNY, YOU REALLY LOOK DIFFERENT

SONNY BONO'S HOUSE. SONNY, YOU REALLY LOOK DIFFERENT OFF-CAMERA.

SONNY, YOU REALLY LOOK DIFFERENT OFF-CAMERA. IS THIS SONNY'S HOUSE?

OFF-CAMERA. IS THIS SONNY'S HOUSE? YES.

IS THIS SONNY'S HOUSE? YES. IS HE HOME?

YES. IS HE HOME? NO.

IS HE HOME? NO. OH, HE'S NOT HOME?

NO. OH, HE'S NOT HOME? 'CAUSE I'M A CLOSE, PERSONAL

OH, HE'S NOT HOME? 'CAUSE I'M A CLOSE, PERSONAL FRIEND OF HIS.

'CAUSE I'M A CLOSE, PERSONAL FRIEND OF HIS. I'M STANDING IN FRONT OF

FRIEND OF HIS. I'M STANDING IN FRONT OF MR. KROC'S HOUSE.

I'M STANDING IN FRONT OF MR. KROC'S HOUSE. HE'S A WONDERFUL MAN, OWNER OF

MR. KROC'S HOUSE. HE'S A WONDERFUL MAN, OWNER OF MCDONALD'S AND THE SAN DIEGO

HE'S A WONDERFUL MAN, OWNER OF MCDONALD'S AND THE SAN DIEGO PADRES, AND I KNOW HIM PRETTY

MCDONALD'S AND THE SAN DIEGO PADRES, AND I KNOW HIM PRETTY WELL.

PADRES, AND I KNOW HIM PRETTY WELL. HE'S A VERY, VERY DAPPER MAN.

WELL. HE'S A VERY, VERY DAPPER MAN. HE'S VERY DIGNIFIED.

HE'S A VERY, VERY DAPPER MAN. HE'S VERY DIGNIFIED. HE COLLECTS ART.

HE'S VERY DIGNIFIED. HE COLLECTS ART. HE'S A REAL CONNOISSEUR AND A

HE COLLECTS ART. HE'S A REAL CONNOISSEUR AND A GOOD FRIEND OF MINE.

HE'S A REAL CONNOISSEUR AND A GOOD FRIEND OF MINE. HEY, KROC!

GOOD FRIEND OF MINE. HEY, KROC! HEY, KROC!

HEY, KROC! HEY, KROC! HEY!

HEY, KROC! HEY! COME ON OUT!

HEY! COME ON OUT! THIS IS MY FRIEND CARL REINER'S

COME ON OUT! THIS IS MY FRIEND CARL REINER'S HOUSE.

THIS IS MY FRIEND CARL REINER'S HOUSE. HE AND I GO BACK A LONG WAY IN

HOUSE. HE AND I GO BACK A LONG WAY IN SHOW BUSINESS.

HE AND I GO BACK A LONG WAY IN SHOW BUSINESS. CARL!

SHOW BUSINESS. CARL! HEY, CARL!

CARL! HEY, CARL! CARL, IT'S ME, STEVE!

HEY, CARL! CARL, IT'S ME, STEVE! COME ON! HEY!

CARL, IT'S ME, STEVE! COME ON! HEY! I'M GETTING SICK OF THIS.

COME ON! HEY! I'M GETTING SICK OF THIS. CARL!

I'M GETTING SICK OF THIS. CARL! COME ON! IT'S STEVE!

CARL! COME ON! IT'S STEVE! COME ON! HEY!

COME ON! IT'S STEVE! COME ON! HEY! [RAPPING ON DOOR]

COME ON! HEY! [RAPPING ON DOOR] CARL!

[RAPPING ON DOOR] CARL! [DOG BARKS]

CARL! [DOG BARKS] THAT'S RIGHT.

[DOG BARKS] THAT'S RIGHT. I'M STANDING RIGHT HERE IN FRONT

THAT'S RIGHT. I'M STANDING RIGHT HERE IN FRONT OF RIN TIN TIN'S HOUSE.

I'M STANDING RIGHT HERE IN FRONT OF RIN TIN TIN'S HOUSE. RIN TIN TIN IS A GREAT DOG.

OF RIN TIN TIN'S HOUSE. RIN TIN TIN IS A GREAT DOG. HE'S ONE OF THE FEW STARS THAT

RIN TIN TIN IS A GREAT DOG. HE'S ONE OF THE FEW STARS THAT CAME OUT HERE TO ACTUALLY SAY

HE'S ONE OF THE FEW STARS THAT CAME OUT HERE TO ACTUALLY SAY HELLO TO ME.

CAME OUT HERE TO ACTUALLY SAY HELLO TO ME. HI, RIN.

HELLO TO ME. HI, RIN. [DOG BARKS]

HI, RIN. [DOG BARKS] GOOD TALKING WITH YOU.

[DOG BARKS] GOOD TALKING WITH YOU. HOW'S IT GOING?

GOOD TALKING WITH YOU. HOW'S IT GOING? [DOG BARKS]

HOW'S IT GOING? [DOG BARKS] UH-HUH.

[DOG BARKS] UH-HUH. HOW'S THE FAMILY?

UH-HUH. HOW'S THE FAMILY? TALK TO HIM ABOUT HIS FAMILY.

HOW'S THE FAMILY? TALK TO HIM ABOUT HIS FAMILY. HE LOVES IT.

TALK TO HIM ABOUT HIS FAMILY. HE LOVES IT. SEE YOU LATER.

HE LOVES IT. SEE YOU LATER. THANKS FOR SAYING HELLO.

SEE YOU LATER. THANKS FOR SAYING HELLO. [DOG BARKS]

THANKS FOR SAYING HELLO. [DOG BARKS] OKAY. BYE.

HERE'S A SONG WRITTEN BY THE DIRT BAND WHEN THEY WERE IN RUSSIA.

DIRT BAND WHEN THEY WERE IN RUSSIA. IT'S CALLED "WHITE RUSSIA."

RUSSIA. IT'S CALLED "WHITE RUSSIA." [BANJO PLAYS INTRO TO

IT'S CALLED "WHITE RUSSIA." [BANJO PLAYS INTRO TO "WHITE RUSSIA"]

[BANJO PLAYS INTRO TO "WHITE RUSSIA"] [BAND JOINS]

[MUSIC CONTINUES]

[SAXOPHONE SOLO]

[HARMONICA SOLO]

[MUSIC CONTINUES]

[CLARINET SOLO]

[BANJO SOLO] [RECORDER SOLO]

[FINALE PLAYS] [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

THAT'S OUR COMEDY GAGS!

GOOD NIGHT!

RANDY NEWMAN, THE DIRT BAND, THE

THE NOT-READY-FOR-PRIME-TIME

PLAYERS!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

Announcer: NEXT "SATURDAY

NIGHT," OUR HOST WILL BE

ROBERT KLEIN, WITH MUSICAL GUEST

BONNIE RAITT.

THIS IS DON PARDO SAYING, "IF

IT'S SNOWING WHERE YOU ARE,

BUTTON UP YOUR OVERCOAT, 'CAUSE

YOU BELONG TO ME."

GOODBYE.