Original subtitles

HI! UH... OUR UNABASHED DICTIONARY DEFINES

UH... OUR UNABASHED DICTIONARY DEFINES "BEATING AROUND THE BUSH" AS,

OUR UNABASHED DICTIONARY DEFINES "BEATING AROUND THE BUSH" AS, LIKE, THERE'S THIS CIRCLE OF

"BEATING AROUND THE BUSH" AS, LIKE, THERE'S THIS CIRCLE OF PERCUSSIONISTS, AND, LIKE,

LIKE, THERE'S THIS CIRCLE OF PERCUSSIONISTS, AND, LIKE, THEY'RE SITTING AROUND, LIKE,

PERCUSSIONISTS, AND, LIKE, THEY'RE SITTING AROUND, LIKE, THIS SHRUB PLAYING DRUMS.

THEY'RE SITTING AROUND, LIKE, THIS SHRUB PLAYING DRUMS. AND, UH...

THIS SHRUB PLAYING DRUMS. AND, UH... IT'S REALLY LIKE THAT, ONLY IT'S

AND, UH... IT'S REALLY LIKE THAT, ONLY IT'S FUNNIER.

IT'S REALLY LIKE THAT, ONLY IT'S FUNNIER. OH, I KNOW!

FUNNIER. OH, I KNOW! "THERE WAS AN OLD MAN NAMED DAVE

OH, I KNOW! "THERE WAS AN OLD MAN NAMED DAVE FROM NANTUCKET."

"THERE WAS AN OLD MAN NAMED DAVE FROM NANTUCKET." NO, WAIT.

FROM NANTUCKET." NO, WAIT. FORGET IT! FORGET IT!

NO, WAIT. FORGET IT! FORGET IT! OKAY, OKAY, OKAY.

FORGET IT! FORGET IT! OKAY, OKAY, OKAY. UM...

OKAY, OKAY, OKAY. UM... "A RAUCOUS OLD SAILOR NAMED

UM... "A RAUCOUS OLD SAILOR NAMED RICK GREW SO FOND OF FLICKING

"A RAUCOUS OLD SAILOR NAMED RICK GREW SO FOND OF FLICKING HIS BIC.

RICK GREW SO FOND OF FLICKING HIS BIC. HE SAID TO HIS DATE, AS HE

HIS BIC. HE SAID TO HIS DATE, AS HE GUESSED AT HER WEIGHT, 'IF YOUR

HE SAID TO HIS DATE, AS HE GUESSED AT HER WEIGHT, 'IF YOUR NOSE WAS A PLUM, I WOULD PLUCK

GUESSED AT HER WEIGHT, 'IF YOUR NOSE WAS A PLUM, I WOULD PLUCK IT!'"

NOSE WAS A PLUM, I WOULD PLUCK IT!'" [GIGGLES]

IT!'" [GIGGLES] OH.

[GIGGLES] OH. OH, I JUST REMEMBERED THIS

OH. OH, I JUST REMEMBERED THIS PUNCH LINE!

OH, I JUST REMEMBERED THIS PUNCH LINE! UH, WHEN THEY SHOVE ME IN A DARK

PUNCH LINE! UH, WHEN THEY SHOVE ME IN A DARK CAVE AND MAKE ME DO PUSH-UPS

UH, WHEN THEY SHOVE ME IN A DARK CAVE AND MAKE ME DO PUSH-UPS TILL I THROW UP!"

CAVE AND MAKE ME DO PUSH-UPS TILL I THROW UP!" [GIGGLES]

TILL I THROW UP!" [GIGGLES] OH, GOSH.

[GIGGLES] OH, GOSH. WELL, THAT'S ALL THE JOKES I

OH, GOSH. WELL, THAT'S ALL THE JOKES I REMEMBER...

WELL, THAT'S ALL THE JOKES I REMEMBER... EXCEPT LIVE FROM NEW YORK,

REMEMBER... EXCEPT LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S "SATURDAY NIGHT"!

EXCEPT LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S "SATURDAY NIGHT"! [BAND PLAYS]

Announcer: IT'S

"SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE"!

STARRING...

WITH SPECIAL GUEST...

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

HUGH HEFNER!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

THANK YOU, THANK YOU. WELL, WHEN LORNE MICHAELS FIRST ASKED ME TO HOST

WELL, WHEN LORNE MICHAELS FIRST ASKED ME TO HOST "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE," I WASN'T,

ASKED ME TO HOST "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE," I WASN'T, QUITE FRANKLY, SURE I COULD

"SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE," I WASN'T, QUITE FRANKLY, SURE I COULD HANDLE IT, BECAUSE I AM, AFTER

QUITE FRANKLY, SURE I COULD HANDLE IT, BECAUSE I AM, AFTER ALL, A MAGAZINE PUBLISHER, NOT A

HANDLE IT, BECAUSE I AM, AFTER ALL, A MAGAZINE PUBLISHER, NOT A PERFORMER, AND, ANYONE WHO EVER

ALL, A MAGAZINE PUBLISHER, NOT A PERFORMER, AND, ANYONE WHO EVER SAW MY OWN TV SHOW,

PERFORMER, AND, ANYONE WHO EVER SAW MY OWN TV SHOW, "PLAYBOY AFTER DARK," CAN ATTEST

SAW MY OWN TV SHOW, "PLAYBOY AFTER DARK," CAN ATTEST TO THAT.

"PLAYBOY AFTER DARK," CAN ATTEST TO THAT. BUT I HAVE A COUPLE OF FRIENDS

TO THAT. BUT I HAVE A COUPLE OF FRIENDS WHO THINK I'M ALMOST AS FUNNY AS

BUT I HAVE A COUPLE OF FRIENDS WHO THINK I'M ALMOST AS FUNNY AS RALPH NADER, SO I FIGURED, "WHAT

WHO THINK I'M ALMOST AS FUNNY AS RALPH NADER, SO I FIGURED, "WHAT THE HELL?"

RALPH NADER, SO I FIGURED, "WHAT THE HELL?" SINCE MALE FASHIONS ARE A VERY

THE HELL?" SINCE MALE FASHIONS ARE A VERY IMPORTANT PART OF PLAYBOY, I WAS

SINCE MALE FASHIONS ARE A VERY IMPORTANT PART OF PLAYBOY, I WAS CONCERNED ABOUT WHAT TO WEAR ON

IMPORTANT PART OF PLAYBOY, I WAS CONCERNED ABOUT WHAT TO WEAR ON THIS OPENING MONOLOGUE.

CONCERNED ABOUT WHAT TO WEAR ON THIS OPENING MONOLOGUE. LORNE WAS VERY HELPFUL.

THIS OPENING MONOLOGUE. LORNE WAS VERY HELPFUL. HE TOLD ME TO WEAR WHATEVER I

LORNE WAS VERY HELPFUL. HE TOLD ME TO WEAR WHATEVER I FELT COMFORTABLE IN.

HE TOLD ME TO WEAR WHATEVER I FELT COMFORTABLE IN. HE SAID, "JUST WEAR WHAT YOU

FELT COMFORTABLE IN. HE SAID, "JUST WEAR WHAT YOU WEAR WHEN YOU'RE HOSTING A PARTY

HE SAID, "JUST WEAR WHAT YOU WEAR WHEN YOU'RE HOSTING A PARTY AT THE PLAYBOY MANSION."

WEAR WHEN YOU'RE HOSTING A PARTY AT THE PLAYBOY MANSION." WELL, THIS IS IT.

AT THE PLAYBOY MANSION." WELL, THIS IS IT. I STARTED PLAYBOY BACK IN THE

WELL, THIS IS IT. I STARTED PLAYBOY BACK IN THE '50s FROM AN INITIAL INVESTMENT

I STARTED PLAYBOY BACK IN THE '50s FROM AN INITIAL INVESTMENT OF SOME $600.

'50s FROM AN INITIAL INVESTMENT OF SOME $600. I BUILT AN EMPIRE WORTH ALMOST

OF SOME $600. I BUILT AN EMPIRE WORTH ALMOST $200 MILLION.

I BUILT AN EMPIRE WORTH ALMOST $200 MILLION. BUT I DIDN'T DO IT ALONE.

$200 MILLION. BUT I DIDN'T DO IT ALONE. IT TOOK A LOT OF DEDICATION AND

BUT I DIDN'T DO IT ALONE. IT TOOK A LOT OF DEDICATION AND HARD WORK FROM SOME VERY

IT TOOK A LOT OF DEDICATION AND HARD WORK FROM SOME VERY TALENTED PEOPLE.

HARD WORK FROM SOME VERY TALENTED PEOPLE. AND IT TOOK SOMETHING MORE... A

TALENTED PEOPLE. AND IT TOOK SOMETHING MORE... A KIND OF FAITH, A BELIEF IN...

AND IT TOOK SOMETHING MORE... A KIND OF FAITH, A BELIEF IN... SOMETHING GREATER THAN ONESELF,

KIND OF FAITH, A BELIEF IN... SOMETHING GREATER THAN ONESELF, AND THAT'S WHY...

SOMETHING GREATER THAN ONESELF, AND THAT'S WHY... [PIANO PLAYS]

AND THAT'S WHY... [PIANO PLAYS] [LAUGHTER]

[PIANO PLAYS] [LAUGHTER] EACH TIME I SEE A LITTLE GIRL

[LAUGHTER] EACH TIME I SEE A LITTLE GIRL OF 5 OR 6 OR 7...

EACH TIME I SEE A LITTLE GIRL OF 5 OR 6 OR 7... I CAN'T RESIST THE JOYOUS URGE

OF 5 OR 6 OR 7... I CAN'T RESIST THE JOYOUS URGE TO SMILE AND SAY...

I CAN'T RESIST THE JOYOUS URGE TO SMILE AND SAY... [INTRO TO "THANK HEAVEN TO

TO SMILE AND SAY... [INTRO TO "THANK HEAVEN TO LITTLE GIRLS" PLAYS]

[INTRO TO "THANK HEAVEN TO LITTLE GIRLS" PLAYS] ♪ THANK HEAVEN

[LITTLE GIRLS" PLAYS] ♪ THANK HEAVEN FOR LITTLE GIRLS ♪

♪ FOR LITTLE GIRLS GET

BIGGER EVERY DAY ♪

♪ THANK HEAVEN

FOR LITTLE GIRLS ♪

♪ THEY GROW UP IN THE MOST

DELIGHTFUL WAY ♪

♪ THOSE LITTLE EYES SO HELPLESS

AND APPEALING ♪

♪ ONE DAY WILL FLASH AND SEND

YOU CRASHIN' THROUGH THE

CEILING ♪

♪ THANK HEAVEN

FOR LITTLE GIRLS ♪

♪ THANK HEAVEN FOR THEM ALL,

NO MATTER WHERE, NO MATTER WHO ♪

♪ WITHOUT THEM, WHAT WOULD

LITTLE BOYS DO? ♪

♪ THANK HEAVEN ♪ ♪ THANK HEAVEN ♪ ♪ THANK HEAVEN

♪ THANK HEAVEN ♪ ♪ THANK HEAVEN FOR LITTLE GIRLS ♪

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

HI. I'M BEAUTIFUL BUT STUPID. AND I FOUND THE SOAP THAT HELPS

I'M BEAUTIFUL BUT STUPID. AND I FOUND THE SOAP THAT HELPS ME STAY THAT WAY.

AND I FOUND THE SOAP THAT HELPS ME STAY THAT WAY. MY HUSBAND SAYS I LOOK NATURAL

ME STAY THAT WAY. MY HUSBAND SAYS I LOOK NATURAL AND UNSPOILED, AND HE LOVES THE

MY HUSBAND SAYS I LOOK NATURAL AND UNSPOILED, AND HE LOVES THE WAY I NEVER BOTHER HIM WITH MY

AND UNSPOILED, AND HE LOVES THE WAY I NEVER BOTHER HIM WITH MY OPINIONS.

WAY I NEVER BOTHER HIM WITH MY OPINIONS. LET'S FACE IT... GOOD LOOKS AND

OPINIONS. LET'S FACE IT... GOOD LOOKS AND COMPLEX HUMAN EMOTIONS JUST

LET'S FACE IT... GOOD LOOKS AND COMPLEX HUMAN EMOTIONS JUST DON'T MIX.

COMPLEX HUMAN EMOTIONS JUST DON'T MIX. I GUESS THAT'S WHY I USE

DON'T MIX. I GUESS THAT'S WHY I USE ANGORA BOUQUET WITH pH FORMULA

I GUESS THAT'S WHY I USE ANGORA BOUQUET WITH pH FORMULA 23.

ANGORA BOUQUET WITH pH FORMULA 23. ANGORA BOUQUET'S THOUSANDS OF

23. ANGORA BOUQUET'S THOUSANDS OF TINY TRANQUILIZERS PENETRATE

ANGORA BOUQUET'S THOUSANDS OF TINY TRANQUILIZERS PENETRATE YOUR SKIN TO WASH REALITY AWAY

TINY TRANQUILIZERS PENETRATE YOUR SKIN TO WASH REALITY AWAY AND MAKE YOUR MIND AND SKIN AS

YOUR SKIN TO WASH REALITY AWAY AND MAKE YOUR MIND AND SKIN AS CLEAR AS A BABY'S.

AND MAKE YOUR MIND AND SKIN AS CLEAR AS A BABY'S. YOU SEE, ANGORA BOUQUET ACTUALLY

CLEAR AS A BABY'S. YOU SEE, ANGORA BOUQUET ACTUALLY CONTAINS METHAQUALONE, THE SAME

YOU SEE, ANGORA BOUQUET ACTUALLY CONTAINS METHAQUALONE, THE SAME TRANQUILIZING AGENT THAT IS

CONTAINS METHAQUALONE, THE SAME TRANQUILIZING AGENT THAT IS FOUND IN THOSE LARGE, WHITE

TRANQUILIZING AGENT THAT IS FOUND IN THOSE LARGE, WHITE PILLS I OFTEN COME ACROSS IN

FOUND IN THOSE LARGE, WHITE PILLS I OFTEN COME ACROSS IN BILL JR.'s JEANS POCKETS WHEN I

PILLS I OFTEN COME ACROSS IN BILL JR.'s JEANS POCKETS WHEN I DO THE LAUNDRY.

BILL JR.'s JEANS POCKETS WHEN I DO THE LAUNDRY. HONEY, WHY DON'T YOU TRY THIS

DO THE LAUNDRY. HONEY, WHY DON'T YOU TRY THIS OTHER SIDE OF THE RAKE HERE?

HONEY, WHY DON'T YOU TRY THIS OTHER SIDE OF THE RAKE HERE? GET A LITTLE MORE LEAVES THAT

OTHER SIDE OF THE RAKE HERE? GET A LITTLE MORE LEAVES THAT WAY.

GET A LITTLE MORE LEAVES THAT WAY. I GUESS THAT'S WHY MY SOAP IS

WAY. I GUESS THAT'S WHY MY SOAP IS ANGORA BOUQUET WITH pH FORMULA

I GUESS THAT'S WHY MY SOAP IS ANGORA BOUQUET WITH pH FORMULA 23.

ANGORA BOUQUET WITH pH FORMULA 23. Announcer: ANGORA BOUQUET,

23. Announcer: ANGORA BOUQUET, WITH pH FORMULA 23.

HOW LONG UNTIL WE INTERCEPT THE ENEMY VESSEL, LIEUTENANT TESTOSTERONE?

THE ENEMY VESSEL, LIEUTENANT TESTOSTERONE? TWO MINUTES TILL BATTLE

LIEUTENANT TESTOSTERONE? TWO MINUTES TILL BATTLE STATIONS, CAPTAIN MACHO.

TWO MINUTES TILL BATTLE STATIONS, CAPTAIN MACHO. CORPORAL HARDIN, DID THE

STATIONS, CAPTAIN MACHO. CORPORAL HARDIN, DID THE DETECTOSCAN GIVE US ANY FURTHER

CORPORAL HARDIN, DID THE DETECTOSCAN GIVE US ANY FURTHER DATA ON WHAT WE'RE GOING TO BE

DETECTOSCAN GIVE US ANY FURTHER DATA ON WHAT WE'RE GOING TO BE UP AGAINST?

DATA ON WHAT WE'RE GOING TO BE UP AGAINST? DETECTOSCAN AND BIOANALYSIS

UP AGAINST? DETECTOSCAN AND BIOANALYSIS INDICATE THE OCCUPANTS OF THE

DETECTOSCAN AND BIOANALYSIS INDICATE THE OCCUPANTS OF THE ENEMY SHIP ARE DIFFERENT BUT

INDICATE THE OCCUPANTS OF THE ENEMY SHIP ARE DIFFERENT BUT BASICALLY EQUAL TO US.

ENEMY SHIP ARE DIFFERENT BUT BASICALLY EQUAL TO US. HOWEVER, CAPTAIN MACHO, OUR SHIP

BASICALLY EQUAL TO US. HOWEVER, CAPTAIN MACHO, OUR SHIP IS PHYSICALLY SUPERIOR TO

HOWEVER, CAPTAIN MACHO, OUR SHIP IS PHYSICALLY SUPERIOR TO THEIRS.

IS PHYSICALLY SUPERIOR TO THEIRS. CAPTION MACHO, THE ENEMY SHIP

THEIRS. CAPTION MACHO, THE ENEMY SHIP IS WITHIN FIRING RANGE.

CAPTION MACHO, THE ENEMY SHIP IS WITHIN FIRING RANGE. ALL RIGHT, SET ROCKETS FOR

IS WITHIN FIRING RANGE. ALL RIGHT, SET ROCKETS FOR CRUISING.

ALL RIGHT, SET ROCKETS FOR CRUISING. EVERYBODY STAY COOL.

CRUISING. EVERYBODY STAY COOL. LET THEM MAKE THE FIRST MOVE.

CAPTAIN ESTROGENA, THE ENEMY STARSHIP IS WITHIN ELECTROSCANNING DISTANCE.

STARSHIP IS WITHIN ELECTROSCANNING DISTANCE. WHAT DOES IT LOOK LIKE,

ELECTROSCANNING DISTANCE. WHAT DOES IT LOOK LIKE, LIEUTENANT AREOLA?

WHAT DOES IT LOOK LIKE, LIEUTENANT AREOLA? HERE IT IS, CAPTAIN.

LIEUTENANT AREOLA? HERE IT IS, CAPTAIN. THEIR SHIP IS NOT AS BIG AS WE

HERE IT IS, CAPTAIN. THEIR SHIP IS NOT AS BIG AS WE HAD HOPED.

THEIR SHIP IS NOT AS BIG AS WE HAD HOPED. AND FROM ITS MANEUVERING, IT

HAD HOPED. AND FROM ITS MANEUVERING, IT APPEARS THAT OUR OPPONENTS HAVE

AND FROM ITS MANEUVERING, IT APPEARS THAT OUR OPPONENTS HAVE LITTLE CONTROL OVER THEIR OWN

APPEARS THAT OUR OPPONENTS HAVE LITTLE CONTROL OVER THEIR OWN CRAFT.

LITTLE CONTROL OVER THEIR OWN CRAFT. ALL RIGHT, WOMEN, LET'S BREAK

CRAFT. ALL RIGHT, WOMEN, LET'S BREAK DOWN THEIR DEFENSES AND HIT THEM

ALL RIGHT, WOMEN, LET'S BREAK DOWN THEIR DEFENSES AND HIT THEM AT THEIR WEAKEST POINT.

DOWN THEIR DEFENSES AND HIT THEM AT THEIR WEAKEST POINT. CORPORAL FELLOPIA, ACTIVATE THE

AT THEIR WEAKEST POINT. CORPORAL FELLOPIA, ACTIVATE THE HORN RAY.

CORPORAL FELLOPIA, ACTIVATE THE HORN RAY. [BEEPING]

HORN RAY. [BEEPING] MMM-MMM-MMM.

[BEEPING] MMM-MMM-MMM. OHH.

MMM-MMM-MMM. OHH. MMM-MMM-MMM!

OHH. MMM-MMM-MMM! MMM!

MMM-MMM-MMM! MMM! YOU KNOW, MY FLIGHT SUIT FEELS

MMM! YOU KNOW, MY FLIGHT SUIT FEELS REAL TIGHT.

YOU KNOW, MY FLIGHT SUIT FEELS REAL TIGHT. YEAH, WE'VE BEEN ON THIS SHIP

REAL TIGHT. YEAH, WE'VE BEEN ON THIS SHIP ABOUT TWO YEARS NOW.

YEAH, WE'VE BEEN ON THIS SHIP ABOUT TWO YEARS NOW. YEAH.

ABOUT TWO YEARS NOW. YEAH. LISTEN, MEN, WE'RE BEING

YEAH. LISTEN, MEN, WE'RE BEING BOMBARDED BY SOME KIND OF

LISTEN, MEN, WE'RE BEING BOMBARDED BY SOME KIND OF POWERFUL NEW WEAPON, BUT WE MUST

BOMBARDED BY SOME KIND OF POWERFUL NEW WEAPON, BUT WE MUST GAIN CONTROL.

POWERFUL NEW WEAPON, BUT WE MUST GAIN CONTROL. TRY COUNTING BACKWARDS FROM 100.

GAIN CONTROL. TRY COUNTING BACKWARDS FROM 100. MM-HMM.

TRY COUNTING BACKWARDS FROM 100. MM-HMM. OR THINK ABOUT SPORTS.

MM-HMM. OR THINK ABOUT SPORTS. I CAN'T TAKE THIS MUCH

OR THINK ABOUT SPORTS. I CAN'T TAKE THIS MUCH LONGER, CAPTAIN.

I CAN'T TAKE THIS MUCH LONGER, CAPTAIN. CAN'T WE DO SOMETHING TO STOP

LONGER, CAPTAIN. CAN'T WE DO SOMETHING TO STOP THEM?

CAN'T WE DO SOMETHING TO STOP THEM? MAYBE IF WE GIVE THEM A

THEM? MAYBE IF WE GIVE THEM A SCARE.

MAYBE IF WE GIVE THEM A SCARE. LET'S FIRE THE MOUSE RAY.

SCARE. LET'S FIRE THE MOUSE RAY. FIRING THE MOUSE RAY.

LET'S FIRE THE MOUSE RAY. FIRING THE MOUSE RAY. MMM!

FIRING THE MOUSE RAY. MMM! [BEEPING]

All: EEK! EEK! EEK! EEK! CAPTAIN MACHO, WE'VE LOST CONTROL!

CAPTAIN MACHO, WE'VE LOST CONTROL! WE'RE GONNA COLLIDE!

[CRASHING] DAMAGE REPORT! NO SERIOUS DAMAGE, CAPTAIN,

DAMAGE REPORT! NO SERIOUS DAMAGE, CAPTAIN, BUT OUR VESSEL WILL NEVER BE THE

NO SERIOUS DAMAGE, CAPTAIN, BUT OUR VESSEL WILL NEVER BE THE SAME.

BUT OUR VESSEL WILL NEVER BE THE SAME. MAYBE WE SHOULD GIVE THEM

SAME. MAYBE WE SHOULD GIVE THEM HALF AN HOUR AND SEE IF THEY'LL

MAYBE WE SHOULD GIVE THEM HALF AN HOUR AND SEE IF THEY'LL ATTACK AGAIN.

HALF AN HOUR AND SEE IF THEY'LL ATTACK AGAIN. I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU, BUT I

ATTACK AGAIN. I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU, BUT I COULD CERTAINLY USE A CIGARETTE.

I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU, BUT I COULD CERTAINLY USE A CIGARETTE. THAT WAS SOME BATTLE, MEN.

COULD CERTAINLY USE A CIGARETTE. THAT WAS SOME BATTLE, MEN. I THINK WE'D BETTER GET SOME

THAT WAS SOME BATTLE, MEN. I THINK WE'D BETTER GET SOME SLEEP.

I THINK WE'D BETTER GET SOME SLEEP. ARE YOU SURE, CAPTAIN?

SLEEP. ARE YOU SURE, CAPTAIN? I THINK WE OUGHT TO DO BATTLE

ARE YOU SURE, CAPTAIN? I THINK WE OUGHT TO DO BATTLE AGAIN RIGHT NOW.

I THINK WE OUGHT TO DO BATTLE AGAIN RIGHT NOW. NO! NO!

AGAIN RIGHT NOW. NO! NO! GET SOME SLEEP.

Announcer: JOIN US NEXT WEEK FOR "ESCAPE FROM THE PLANET OF THE GAYS."

HERE'S SOMEBODY I THINK YOU'LL BE HEARING A LOT MORE ABOUT.

YOU'LL BE HEARING A LOT MORE ABOUT. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

ABOUT. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, LIBBY TITUS.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, LIBBY TITUS. [APPLAUSE]

LIBBY TITUS. [APPLAUSE] [INTRO TO "FOOL THAT I AM"

[APPLAUSE] [INTRO TO "FOOL THAT I AM" PLAYS]

[INTRO TO "FOOL THAT I AM" PLAYS] ♪ THE FIRST TIME THAT I SAW

[PLAYS] ♪ THE FIRST TIME THAT I SAW YOU WAS IN CHINATOWN ♪

♪ THE FIRST TIME THAT I SAW YOU WAS IN CHINATOWN ♪ ♪ YOU SMILED AT ME,

YOU WAS IN CHINATOWN ♪ ♪ YOU SMILED AT ME, AND MY HEAD FELL DOWN ♪

♪ YOU SMILED AT ME, AND MY HEAD FELL DOWN ♪ ♪ THE NEXT TIME THAT I SAW YOU

AND MY HEAD FELL DOWN ♪ ♪ THE NEXT TIME THAT I SAW YOU WAS AT HOME ON TV ♪

♪ THE NEXT TIME THAT I SAW YOU WAS AT HOME ON TV ♪ ♪ I REACHED FOR THE DIAL

WAS AT HOME ON TV ♪ ♪ I REACHED FOR THE DIAL JUST AS YOU REACHED FOR ME ♪

♪ I REACHED FOR THE DIAL JUST AS YOU REACHED FOR ME ♪ ♪ FOOL THAT I AM ♪

JUST AS YOU REACHED FOR ME ♪ ♪ FOOL THAT I AM ♪ ♪ I WAITED FOR YOU,

♪ FOOL THAT I AM ♪ ♪ I WAITED FOR YOU, HOPING YOU KNEW ♪

♪ I WAITED FOR YOU, HOPING YOU KNEW ♪ ♪ FOOL THAT I AM ♪

♪ A CLOSE FRIEND OF MINE SAID YOU WERE LOOKING FOR ME ♪ ♪ I KEPT A WATCH ON THE PHONE,

YOU WERE LOOKING FOR ME ♪ ♪ I KEPT A WATCH ON THE PHONE, BUT UNFORTUNATELY ♪

♪ I KEPT A WATCH ON THE PHONE, BUT UNFORTUNATELY ♪ ♪ WHEN YOUR CALL CAME,

BUT UNFORTUNATELY ♪ ♪ WHEN YOUR CALL CAME, I WAS BADLY MISPLACED ♪

♪ WHEN YOUR CALL CAME, I WAS BADLY MISPLACED ♪ ♪ BY THE TIME I GOT FOUND,

I WAS BADLY MISPLACED ♪ ♪ BY THE TIME I GOT FOUND, YOU COULDN'T BE TRACED ♪

♪ BY THE TIME I GOT FOUND, YOU COULDN'T BE TRACED ♪ ♪ FOOL THAT I AM ♪

YOU COULDN'T BE TRACED ♪ ♪ FOOL THAT I AM ♪ ♪ I WAITED FOR YOU,

♪ FOOL THAT I AM ♪ ♪ I WAITED FOR YOU, HOPING YOU KNEW ♪

♪ I WAITED FOR YOU, HOPING YOU KNEW ♪ ♪ FOOL THAT I AM ♪

HOPING YOU KNEW ♪ ♪ FOOL THAT I AM ♪ [SCATTING]

♪ FOOL THAT I AM ♪ ♪ I WAITED FOR YOU, HOPING YOU KNEW ♪

♪ I WAITED FOR YOU, HOPING YOU KNEW ♪ ♪ FOOL THAT I AM ♪

HOPING YOU KNEW ♪ ♪ FOOL THAT I AM ♪ ♪ I WAITED FOR YOU,

♪ FOOL THAT I AM ♪ ♪ I WAITED FOR YOU, HOPING YOU KNEW ♪

♪ I WAITED FOR YOU, HOPING YOU KNEW ♪ ♪ FOOL THAT I AM ♪

HOPING YOU KNEW ♪ ♪ FOOL THAT I AM ♪ ♪ FOOL THAT I AM ♪

♪ FOOL THAT I AM ♪ ♪ FOOL THAT I AM ♪ [APPLAUSE]

LAST WEEK, LORNE MICHAELS, "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE'S" DYNAMIC YOUNG PRODUCER, SAT IN THIS VERY

"SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE'S" DYNAMIC YOUNG PRODUCER, SAT IN THIS VERY CHAIR AND TOLD YOU, THE AMERICAN

YOUNG PRODUCER, SAT IN THIS VERY CHAIR AND TOLD YOU, THE AMERICAN TELEVISION VIEWER, THAT ANYONE

CHAIR AND TOLD YOU, THE AMERICAN TELEVISION VIEWER, THAT ANYONE CAN HOST "SATURDAY NIGHT'S"

TELEVISION VIEWER, THAT ANYONE CAN HOST "SATURDAY NIGHT'S" CHRISTMAS SHOW.

CAN HOST "SATURDAY NIGHT'S" CHRISTMAS SHOW. WELL, THIS WEEK, LORNE ASKED ME

CHRISTMAS SHOW. WELL, THIS WEEK, LORNE ASKED ME TO DO THIS SPOT TO EMPHASIZE

WELL, THIS WEEK, LORNE ASKED ME TO DO THIS SPOT TO EMPHASIZE THAT ANYONE CAN HOST.

TO DO THIS SPOT TO EMPHASIZE THAT ANYONE CAN HOST. ALL YOU GOT TO DO IS WRITE A

THAT ANYONE CAN HOST. ALL YOU GOT TO DO IS WRITE A POSTCARD, 25 WORDS OR LESS, ON

ALL YOU GOT TO DO IS WRITE A POSTCARD, 25 WORDS OR LESS, ON "WHY I WANT TO HOST

POSTCARD, 25 WORDS OR LESS, ON "WHY I WANT TO HOST 'SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE'" AND SEND

"WHY I WANT TO HOST 'SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE'" AND SEND IT TO US AT...

YOUR ENTRY MUST BE IN BY MIDNIGHT, NOVEMBER 1st. AND IF WE THINK YOUR POSTCARD IS

MIDNIGHT, NOVEMBER 1st. AND IF WE THINK YOUR POSTCARD IS FUNNY AND ORIGINAL, YOU MIGHT BE

AND IF WE THINK YOUR POSTCARD IS FUNNY AND ORIGINAL, YOU MIGHT BE ONE OF FIVE FINALISTS FLOWN TO

FUNNY AND ORIGINAL, YOU MIGHT BE ONE OF FIVE FINALISTS FLOWN TO AND FROM NEW YORK IN NOVEMBER TO

ONE OF FIVE FINALISTS FLOWN TO AND FROM NEW YORK IN NOVEMBER TO READ HIS OR HER POSTCARD ON THE

AND FROM NEW YORK IN NOVEMBER TO READ HIS OR HER POSTCARD ON THE AIR.

READ HIS OR HER POSTCARD ON THE AIR. THEN IT'S UP TO THE PEOPLE AT

AIR. THEN IT'S UP TO THE PEOPLE AT HOME TO DECIDE.

THEN IT'S UP TO THE PEOPLE AT HOME TO DECIDE. THE LUCKY WINNER WILL BE FLOWN

HOME TO DECIDE. THE LUCKY WINNER WILL BE FLOWN TO NEW YORK, PUT UP AT THE SWANK

THE LUCKY WINNER WILL BE FLOWN TO NEW YORK, PUT UP AT THE SWANK ESSEX HOUSE HOTEL, AND PAID

TO NEW YORK, PUT UP AT THE SWANK ESSEX HOUSE HOTEL, AND PAID $3,000 TO HOST

ESSEX HOUSE HOTEL, AND PAID $3,000 TO HOST "SATURDAY NIGHT'S" CHRISTMAS

$3,000 TO HOST "SATURDAY NIGHT'S" CHRISTMAS SHOW ON DECEMBER 17th.

"SATURDAY NIGHT'S" CHRISTMAS SHOW ON DECEMBER 17th. REMEMBER, ANYONE CAN HOST.

SHOW ON DECEMBER 17th. REMEMBER, ANYONE CAN HOST. UH, WELL, NOT REALLY ANYONE.

REMEMBER, ANYONE CAN HOST. UH, WELL, NOT REALLY ANYONE. FOR EXAMPLE, I CAN'T HOST.

UH, WELL, NOT REALLY ANYONE. FOR EXAMPLE, I CAN'T HOST. Announcer: THAT'S RIGHT,

FOR EXAMPLE, I CAN'T HOST. Announcer: THAT'S RIGHT, GARRETT, BECAUSE NBC EMPLOYEES

Announcer: THAT'S RIGHT, GARRETT, BECAUSE NBC EMPLOYEES AND RELATIVES ARE NOT ELIGIBLE.

GARRETT, BECAUSE NBC EMPLOYEES AND RELATIVES ARE NOT ELIGIBLE. I'D LIKE TO HOST THE SHOW, TOO,

AND RELATIVES ARE NOT ELIGIBLE. I'D LIKE TO HOST THE SHOW, TOO, BUT I CAN'T.

I'D LIKE TO HOST THE SHOW, TOO, BUT I CAN'T. ONCE AGAIN, SEND THOSE

BUT I CAN'T. ONCE AGAIN, SEND THOSE POSTCARDS, NO LETTERS, TO...

I'M DONE STUDYING FOR TONIGHT. HOW ABOUT YOU, HONEY?

TONIGHT. HOW ABOUT YOU, HONEY? YEAH.

HOW ABOUT YOU, HONEY? YEAH. I DON'T THINK I'M GONNA FIND A

YEAH. I DON'T THINK I'M GONNA FIND A CURE FOR CANCER TONIGHT.

I DON'T THINK I'M GONNA FIND A CURE FOR CANCER TONIGHT. YEAH.

CURE FOR CANCER TONIGHT. YEAH. WHAT DO YOU SAY WE JUST

YEAH. WHAT DO YOU SAY WE JUST RELAX, SMOKE A JOINT, GO TO BED?

WHAT DO YOU SAY WE JUST RELAX, SMOKE A JOINT, GO TO BED? GREAT IDEA.

RELAX, SMOKE A JOINT, GO TO BED? GREAT IDEA. YEAH.

GREAT IDEA. YEAH. TOO MUCH STUDYING, YOU KNOW?

YEAH. TOO MUCH STUDYING, YOU KNOW? YOU KNOW, DR. SHELL'S PAPER ON

TOO MUCH STUDYING, YOU KNOW? YOU KNOW, DR. SHELL'S PAPER ON THE ISOLATION OF CANCER CELLS IN

YOU KNOW, DR. SHELL'S PAPER ON THE ISOLATION OF CANCER CELLS IN BLADDER TISSUE IS VERY

THE ISOLATION OF CANCER CELLS IN BLADDER TISSUE IS VERY INTERESTING.

BLADDER TISSUE IS VERY INTERESTING. I'LL HAVE TO READ THAT BEFORE

INTERESTING. I'LL HAVE TO READ THAT BEFORE I GO TO THE DAYCARE CENTER

I'LL HAVE TO READ THAT BEFORE I GO TO THE DAYCARE CENTER TOMORROW.

I GO TO THE DAYCARE CENTER TOMORROW. OH, YEAH, PLEASE.

TOMORROW. OH, YEAH, PLEASE. I GOT IT HERE SOMEWHERE.

OH, YEAH, PLEASE. I GOT IT HERE SOMEWHERE. [INHALING]

I GOT IT HERE SOMEWHERE. [INHALING] AHHHH!

[INHALING] AHHHH! FREEZE!

AHHHH! FREEZE! X-POLICE!

FREEZE! X-POLICE! X-POLICE?!

X-POLICE! X-POLICE?! WE WERE KICKED OFF THE FORCE

X-POLICE?! WE WERE KICKED OFF THE FORCE A COUPLE OF MONTHS AGO.

WE WERE KICKED OFF THE FORCE A COUPLE OF MONTHS AGO. BUT THAT WON'T KEEP US FROM

A COUPLE OF MONTHS AGO. BUT THAT WON'T KEEP US FROM ENFORCING THE LAW!

BUT THAT WON'T KEEP US FROM ENFORCING THE LAW! YOU TWO WERE SMOKING MARIJUANA.

ENFORCING THE LAW! YOU TWO WERE SMOKING MARIJUANA. IT'S A FELONY!

YOU TWO WERE SMOKING MARIJUANA. IT'S A FELONY! YOU CAN'T COME IN HERE

IT'S A FELONY! YOU CAN'T COME IN HERE WITHOUT A WARRANT!

YOU CAN'T COME IN HERE WITHOUT A WARRANT! ALL RIGHT.

WITHOUT A WARRANT! ALL RIGHT. THIS IS MY WARRANT, BABY.

ALL RIGHT. THIS IS MY WARRANT, BABY. AAH!

THIS IS MY WARRANT, BABY. AAH! HEY!

AAH! HEY! LOOK, YOU CAN'T...

HEY! LOOK, YOU CAN'T... WHAAA!

LOOK, YOU CAN'T... WHAAA! I DON'T SUPPOSE YOU'VE EVER

WHAAA! I DON'T SUPPOSE YOU'VE EVER SEEN A 13-YEAR-OLD TURNED ON TO

I DON'T SUPPOSE YOU'VE EVER SEEN A 13-YEAR-OLD TURNED ON TO HEROIN BECAUSE SOME PUNK LIKE

SEEN A 13-YEAR-OLD TURNED ON TO HEROIN BECAUSE SOME PUNK LIKE YOU GAVE HER A MARIJUANA JOINT!

HEROIN BECAUSE SOME PUNK LIKE YOU GAVE HER A MARIJUANA JOINT! POT, GRASS, MARIJUANA... IT'S

YOU GAVE HER A MARIJUANA JOINT! POT, GRASS, MARIJUANA... IT'S ALL THE SAME!

POT, GRASS, MARIJUANA... IT'S ALL THE SAME! JOE, MAYBE YOU SHOULD STOP

ALL THE SAME! JOE, MAYBE YOU SHOULD STOP HITTING HIS HEAD AGAINST THE

JOE, MAYBE YOU SHOULD STOP HITTING HIS HEAD AGAINST THE WALL.

HITTING HIS HEAD AGAINST THE WALL. HE'S ALREADY UNCONSCIOUS.

WALL. HE'S ALREADY UNCONSCIOUS. HE COULD GET SERIOUSLY HURT.

HE'S ALREADY UNCONSCIOUS. HE COULD GET SERIOUSLY HURT. I GUESS YOU'RE RIGHT!

HE COULD GET SERIOUSLY HURT. I GUESS YOU'RE RIGHT! [MOANS]

I GUESS YOU'RE RIGHT! [MOANS] IT'S TOO LATE.

[MOANS] IT'S TOO LATE. HE'S DEAD.

IT'S TOO LATE. HE'S DEAD. ANOTHER MARIJUANA-RELATED DEATH.

HE'S DEAD. ANOTHER MARIJUANA-RELATED DEATH. BETTER MAKE IT LOOK LIKE THE

ANOTHER MARIJUANA-RELATED DEATH. BETTER MAKE IT LOOK LIKE THE GIRL DID IT.

BETTER MAKE IT LOOK LIKE THE GIRL DID IT. THAT'S A GOOD IDEA.

GIRL DID IT. THAT'S A GOOD IDEA. [GUNSHOT]

THAT'S A GOOD IDEA. [GUNSHOT] OKAY, GIVE ME THAT GLASS OF

[GUNSHOT] OKAY, GIVE ME THAT GLASS OF WATER.

OKAY, GIVE ME THAT GLASS OF WATER. HERE.

WATER. HERE. WIPE YOUR PRINTS.

HERE. WIPE YOUR PRINTS. AAH!

WIPE YOUR PRINTS. AAH! WHAT HAPPENED?!

AAH! WHAT HAPPENED?! [SCOFFS]

WHAT HAPPENED?! [SCOFFS] YOU TWO WERE SMOKING MARIJUANA.

[SCOFFS] YOU TWO WERE SMOKING MARIJUANA. YOU GOT HYSTERICAL, HE THREW A

YOU TWO WERE SMOKING MARIJUANA. YOU GOT HYSTERICAL, HE THREW A GLASS OF WATER IN YOUR FACE, AND

YOU GOT HYSTERICAL, HE THREW A GLASS OF WATER IN YOUR FACE, AND YOU SHOT HIM!

GLASS OF WATER IN YOUR FACE, AND YOU SHOT HIM! WHAT HAVE I DONE?!

YOU SHOT HIM! WHAT HAVE I DONE?! AAAAAAHH!

WHAT HAVE I DONE?! AAAAAAHH! [GLASS SHATTERING]

AAAAAAHH! [GLASS SHATTERING] MARIJUANA.

[GLASS SHATTERING] MARIJUANA. LET'S GET OUT OF HERE BEFORE

MARIJUANA. LET'S GET OUT OF HERE BEFORE THE REAL POLICE ARRIVE.

Announcer: SUSAN KLEIN RECOVERED FROM HER FALL AND WAS CONVICTED OF FIRST-DEGREE MURDER

RECOVERED FROM HER FALL AND WAS CONVICTED OF FIRST-DEGREE MURDER IN THE SHOOTING DEATH OF HER

CONVICTED OF FIRST-DEGREE MURDER IN THE SHOOTING DEATH OF HER HUSBAND.

IN THE SHOOTING DEATH OF HER HUSBAND. SHE WAS SENTENCED TO LIFE IN

HUSBAND. SHE WAS SENTENCED TO LIFE IN PRISON AT THE CALIFORNIA STATE

SHE WAS SENTENCED TO LIFE IN PRISON AT THE CALIFORNIA STATE WOMEN'S PENITENTIARY WHERE SHE

PRISON AT THE CALIFORNIA STATE WOMEN'S PENITENTIARY WHERE SHE WAS KILLED IN A PRISON RIOT.

WOMEN'S PENITENTIARY WHERE SHE WAS KILLED IN A PRISON RIOT. JOIN US AGAIN NEXT WEEK FOR

WAS KILLED IN A PRISON RIOT. JOIN US AGAIN NEXT WEEK FOR ANOTHER EPISODE OF "X-POLICE"!

GEE, HEF, THANKS FOR TAKING TIME OUT FROM YOUR BUSY SCHEDULE TO HELP ME WITH MY THESIS.

TIME OUT FROM YOUR BUSY SCHEDULE TO HELP ME WITH MY THESIS. AH, LISTEN, IT'S A PLEASURE.

TO HELP ME WITH MY THESIS. AH, LISTEN, IT'S A PLEASURE. IT'S NOT EVERY DAY I'M ABLE TO

AH, LISTEN, IT'S A PLEASURE. IT'S NOT EVERY DAY I'M ABLE TO PARTICIPATE IN THE EDUCATION OF

IT'S NOT EVERY DAY I'M ABLE TO PARTICIPATE IN THE EDUCATION OF A COMELY YOUNG COED LIKE

PARTICIPATE IN THE EDUCATION OF A COMELY YOUNG COED LIKE YOURSELF.

A COMELY YOUNG COED LIKE YOURSELF. BESIDES, I REALLY APPRECIATE THE

YOURSELF. BESIDES, I REALLY APPRECIATE THE OPPORTUNITY TO QUIT WORKING FOR

BESIDES, I REALLY APPRECIATE THE OPPORTUNITY TO QUIT WORKING FOR A NIGHT AND DO THE THING I ENJOY

OPPORTUNITY TO QUIT WORKING FOR A NIGHT AND DO THE THING I ENJOY THE MOST.

A NIGHT AND DO THE THING I ENJOY THE MOST. [GIGGLES]

THE MOST. [GIGGLES] DID YOU BRING THE EQUIPMENT?

[GIGGLES] DID YOU BRING THE EQUIPMENT? YES, I HAVE EVERYTHING WE

DID YOU BRING THE EQUIPMENT? YES, I HAVE EVERYTHING WE NEED.

YES, I HAVE EVERYTHING WE NEED. WELL, WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO

NEED. WELL, WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FIRST?

WELL, WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FIRST? WHAT HAVE YOU GOT THERE?

FIRST? WHAT HAVE YOU GOT THERE? THE PROTRACTOR.

WHAT HAVE YOU GOT THERE? THE PROTRACTOR. NOW, COULD YOU EXPLAIN YOUR

THE PROTRACTOR. NOW, COULD YOU EXPLAIN YOUR RESEARCH A LITTLE MORE

NOW, COULD YOU EXPLAIN YOUR RESEARCH A LITTLE MORE SPECIFICALLY TO ME?

RESEARCH A LITTLE MORE SPECIFICALLY TO ME? WELL, IT'S LIKE I SAID...

SPECIFICALLY TO ME? WELL, IT'S LIKE I SAID... TONIGHT I INTEND TO PROVE THE

WELL, IT'S LIKE I SAID... TONIGHT I INTEND TO PROVE THE MAJOR HYPOTHESIS OF MY THESIS ON

TONIGHT I INTEND TO PROVE THE MAJOR HYPOTHESIS OF MY THESIS ON MALE SEXUAL PERFORMANCE

MAJOR HYPOTHESIS OF MY THESIS ON MALE SEXUAL PERFORMANCE TERRITORIES AND THEIR GEOMETRIC

MALE SEXUAL PERFORMANCE TERRITORIES AND THEIR GEOMETRIC VARIANCE USING YOU AND YOUR

TERRITORIES AND THEIR GEOMETRIC VARIANCE USING YOU AND YOUR CIRCULAR BED.

VARIANCE USING YOU AND YOUR CIRCULAR BED. SOUNDS GOOD.

CIRCULAR BED. SOUNDS GOOD. NOW, WHAT HYPOTHESIS DO YOU HOPE

SOUNDS GOOD. NOW, WHAT HYPOTHESIS DO YOU HOPE TO PROVE?

NOW, WHAT HYPOTHESIS DO YOU HOPE TO PROVE? WELL, IF TWO BODIES INTERSECT

TO PROVE? WELL, IF TWO BODIES INTERSECT AT VARIOUS ANGLES WITHIN A

WELL, IF TWO BODIES INTERSECT AT VARIOUS ANGLES WITHIN A CIRCULAR AREA AND LOVE-MAKING IS

AT VARIOUS ANGLES WITHIN A CIRCULAR AREA AND LOVE-MAKING IS PERFORMED FOR 3.14 MINUTES IN

CIRCULAR AREA AND LOVE-MAKING IS PERFORMED FOR 3.14 MINUTES IN EACH QUADRANT, BY THE TIME THE

PERFORMED FOR 3.14 MINUTES IN EACH QUADRANT, BY THE TIME THE BODIES REACH THE MIDPOINT, THE

EACH QUADRANT, BY THE TIME THE BODIES REACH THE MIDPOINT, THE COUPLE WILL ACHIEVE PI!

BODIES REACH THE MIDPOINT, THE COUPLE WILL ACHIEVE PI! GREAT.

COUPLE WILL ACHIEVE PI! GREAT. LET'S GO TO WORK.

GREAT. LET'S GO TO WORK. LET'S DO IT FOR SCIENCE.

LET'S GO TO WORK. LET'S DO IT FOR SCIENCE. OKAY.

LET'S DO IT FOR SCIENCE. OKAY. [BEEPING]

OKAY. [BEEPING] OH, NO.

[BEEPING] OH, NO. WHAT'S THAT?

OH, NO. WHAT'S THAT? IT'S MY BEEPER.

WHAT'S THAT? IT'S MY BEEPER. IT BEEPS EVERY TIME AN IMPORTANT

IT'S MY BEEPER. IT BEEPS EVERY TIME AN IMPORTANT CALL COMES IN ON MY ANSWERING

IT BEEPS EVERY TIME AN IMPORTANT CALL COMES IN ON MY ANSWERING SERVICE.

CALL COMES IN ON MY ANSWERING SERVICE. I'M GONNA HAVE TO PHONE THE

SERVICE. I'M GONNA HAVE TO PHONE THE SERVICE.

I'M GONNA HAVE TO PHONE THE SERVICE. THAT'S WHAT THAT LITTLE BLACK

SERVICE. THAT'S WHAT THAT LITTLE BLACK BOX WAS?

THAT'S WHAT THAT LITTLE BLACK BOX WAS? I WAS AFRAID TO ASK.

BOX WAS? I WAS AFRAID TO ASK. I THOUGHT IT WAS A PACEMAKER.

I WAS AFRAID TO ASK. I THOUGHT IT WAS A PACEMAKER. NO.

I THOUGHT IT WAS A PACEMAKER. NO. EXCUSE ME FOR A MINUTE 'CAUSE I

NO. EXCUSE ME FOR A MINUTE 'CAUSE I AM GONNA HAVE TO CALL MY

EXCUSE ME FOR A MINUTE 'CAUSE I AM GONNA HAVE TO CALL MY SERVICE.

AM GONNA HAVE TO CALL MY SERVICE. I KNEW THIS WAS GONNA HAPPEN.

SERVICE. I KNEW THIS WAS GONNA HAPPEN. NO, NO, NO.

I KNEW THIS WAS GONNA HAPPEN. NO, NO, NO. I GIVE YOU MY WORD, THIS IS OUR

NO, NO, NO. I GIVE YOU MY WORD, THIS IS OUR NIGHT.

I GIVE YOU MY WORD, THIS IS OUR NIGHT. UH, HELLO, THIS IS HEFNER.

NIGHT. UH, HELLO, THIS IS HEFNER. WHO CALLED?

UH, HELLO, THIS IS HEFNER. WHO CALLED? OH, REALLY?

WHO CALLED? OH, REALLY? AGAIN, HUH?

OH, REALLY? AGAIN, HUH? WHAT'S HE WANT THIS TIME?

AGAIN, HUH? WHAT'S HE WANT THIS TIME? I SEE.

WHAT'S HE WANT THIS TIME? I SEE. WELL, LOOK, I DON'T WANT TO BE

I SEE. WELL, LOOK, I DON'T WANT TO BE DISTURBED TONIGHT.

WELL, LOOK, I DON'T WANT TO BE DISTURBED TONIGHT. LET'S HOLD ALL CALLS, AND TELL

DISTURBED TONIGHT. LET'S HOLD ALL CALLS, AND TELL HIM I'LL CALL HIM TOMORROW.

LET'S HOLD ALL CALLS, AND TELL HIM I'LL CALL HIM TOMORROW. OKAY?

HIM I'LL CALL HIM TOMORROW. OKAY? OKAY.

OKAY? OKAY. ALWAYS IN DEMAND.

OKAY. ALWAYS IN DEMAND. IT SEEMS LIKE PEOPLE ARE ALWAYS

ALWAYS IN DEMAND. IT SEEMS LIKE PEOPLE ARE ALWAYS TRYING TO REACH YOU, HEF.

IT SEEMS LIKE PEOPLE ARE ALWAYS TRYING TO REACH YOU, HEF. YES, BUT I WANT TO FORGET ALL

TRYING TO REACH YOU, HEF. YES, BUT I WANT TO FORGET ALL THEM TONIGHT.

YES, BUT I WANT TO FORGET ALL THEM TONIGHT. TELL ME, AM I THE ONLY SUBJECT

THEM TONIGHT. TELL ME, AM I THE ONLY SUBJECT IN YOUR EXPERIMENT WHO OWNS AN

TELL ME, AM I THE ONLY SUBJECT IN YOUR EXPERIMENT WHO OWNS AN UNCOMMONLY SHAPED BED?

IN YOUR EXPERIMENT WHO OWNS AN UNCOMMONLY SHAPED BED? OH, NO.

UNCOMMONLY SHAPED BED? OH, NO. I EXPERIMENTED WITH AN

OH, NO. I EXPERIMENTED WITH AN OCTOGENARIAN WHO SLEPT ON A

I EXPERIMENTED WITH AN OCTOGENARIAN WHO SLEPT ON A HEXAGON.

OCTOGENARIAN WHO SLEPT ON A HEXAGON. HE DIDN'T MAKE IT THROUGH THE

HEXAGON. HE DIDN'T MAKE IT THROUGH THE NIGHT.

HE DIDN'T MAKE IT THROUGH THE NIGHT. [BEEPING]

NIGHT. [BEEPING] OH.

[BEEPING] OH. I THOUGHT YOU TOLD THEM TO

OH. I THOUGHT YOU TOLD THEM TO HOLD ALL CALLS.

I THOUGHT YOU TOLD THEM TO HOLD ALL CALLS. YES, THAT'S NOT THE BEEPER.

HOLD ALL CALLS. YES, THAT'S NOT THE BEEPER. THAT'S OUR PLAYBOY RADAR SCAN.

YES, THAT'S NOT THE BEEPER. THAT'S OUR PLAYBOY RADAR SCAN. IT MEANS THAT...

THAT'S OUR PLAYBOY RADAR SCAN. IT MEANS THAT... SOMEONE'S LANDING ON THE HELIPAD

IT MEANS THAT... SOMEONE'S LANDING ON THE HELIPAD UP ON THE ROOF.

SOMEONE'S LANDING ON THE HELIPAD UP ON THE ROOF. HEF, I BETTER GO.

UP ON THE ROOF. HEF, I BETTER GO. YOU'RE TOO BUSY TO BE BOTHERED

HEF, I BETTER GO. YOU'RE TOO BUSY TO BE BOTHERED BY SOME COED WHO'S WORKING ON

YOU'RE TOO BUSY TO BE BOTHERED BY SOME COED WHO'S WORKING ON HER THESIS.

BY SOME COED WHO'S WORKING ON HER THESIS. NO, I TOLD YOU THIS IS GONNA

HER THESIS. NO, I TOLD YOU THIS IS GONNA BE OUR NIGHT.

NO, I TOLD YOU THIS IS GONNA BE OUR NIGHT. NO ONE IS GONNA DISTURB US, NOT

BE OUR NIGHT. NO ONE IS GONNA DISTURB US, NOT EVEN IF THE PRESIDENT OF THE

NO ONE IS GONNA DISTURB US, NOT EVEN IF THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES WERE TO CALL.

EVEN IF THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES WERE TO CALL. OKAY.

EXCUSE ME, HEF. HELLO, MA'AM. HEF, I TRIED CALLING ON THE

HELLO, MA'AM. HEF, I TRIED CALLING ON THE PHONE, BUT THEY SAID THAT THEY

HEF, I TRIED CALLING ON THE PHONE, BUT THEY SAID THAT THEY PUT YOU ON HOLD THERE, AND I

PHONE, BUT THEY SAID THAT THEY PUT YOU ON HOLD THERE, AND I JUST HAD TO TALK TO YOU.

PUT YOU ON HOLD THERE, AND I JUST HAD TO TALK TO YOU. I NEED SOME ADVICE FROM YOU

JUST HAD TO TALK TO YOU. I NEED SOME ADVICE FROM YOU ABOUT SOMETHING.

I NEED SOME ADVICE FROM YOU ABOUT SOMETHING. WHAT IS IT NOW, JIMMY?

ABOUT SOMETHING. WHAT IS IT NOW, JIMMY? CAN I SIT DOWN HERE ON THE

WHAT IS IT NOW, JIMMY? CAN I SIT DOWN HERE ON THE BED?

CAN I SIT DOWN HERE ON THE BED? SURE.

BED? SURE. WELL, HEF, AS YOU KNOW, THE

SURE. WELL, HEF, AS YOU KNOW, THE GENEVA CONFERENCE IS NEXT WEEK.

WELL, HEF, AS YOU KNOW, THE GENEVA CONFERENCE IS NEXT WEEK. THERE ARE GONNA BE A LOT OF

GENEVA CONFERENCE IS NEXT WEEK. THERE ARE GONNA BE A LOT OF COUNTRIES THERE, AND I WANT TO

THERE ARE GONNA BE A LOT OF COUNTRIES THERE, AND I WANT TO MAKE A GOOD IMPRESSION.

COUNTRIES THERE, AND I WANT TO MAKE A GOOD IMPRESSION. I LIKE TO GET BACK IN MY HOTEL

MAKE A GOOD IMPRESSION. I LIKE TO GET BACK IN MY HOTEL ROOM, THINK ABOUT POLICY, AND

I LIKE TO GET BACK IN MY HOTEL ROOM, THINK ABOUT POLICY, AND RELAX AND LISTEN TO SOME MUSIC.

ROOM, THINK ABOUT POLICY, AND RELAX AND LISTEN TO SOME MUSIC. I LIKE TO PLAY MY MUSIC LOUD, SO

RELAX AND LISTEN TO SOME MUSIC. I LIKE TO PLAY MY MUSIC LOUD, SO I DON'T WANT TO DISTURB ANYBODY

I LIKE TO PLAY MY MUSIC LOUD, SO I DON'T WANT TO DISTURB ANYBODY IN THE HOTEL, AND I WAS

I DON'T WANT TO DISTURB ANYBODY IN THE HOTEL, AND I WAS WONDERING, WHAT KIND OF

IN THE HOTEL, AND I WAS WONDERING, WHAT KIND OF HEADPHONES SHOULD I BUY?

WONDERING, WHAT KIND OF HEADPHONES SHOULD I BUY? SECRETARY OF STATE VANCE AND I

HEADPHONES SHOULD I BUY? SECRETARY OF STATE VANCE AND I HAD A BET.

SECRETARY OF STATE VANCE AND I HAD A BET. HE SAID YOU'D SAY CLAUS K190s,

HAD A BET. HE SAID YOU'D SAY CLAUS K190s, AND I FIGURED YOU'D SAID

HE SAID YOU'D SAY CLAUS K190s, AND I FIGURED YOU'D SAID MASTERSOUND PRO 15s.

AND I FIGURED YOU'D SAID MASTERSOUND PRO 15s. WELL, IF YOU SAID

MASTERSOUND PRO 15s. WELL, IF YOU SAID MASTERSOUND PRO 15s, COLLECT

WELL, IF YOU SAID MASTERSOUND PRO 15s, COLLECT YOUR MONEY.

MASTERSOUND PRO 15s, COLLECT YOUR MONEY. YOU WON THE BET.

YOUR MONEY. YOU WON THE BET. MASTERSOUND PUTS OUT SEPARATE

YOU WON THE BET. MASTERSOUND PUTS OUT SEPARATE TWEETER AND WOOFER IN EACH CUP,

MASTERSOUND PUTS OUT SEPARATE TWEETER AND WOOFER IN EACH CUP, COUPLED BY A FULL CROSSOVER

TWEETER AND WOOFER IN EACH CUP, COUPLED BY A FULL CROSSOVER NETWORK.

COUPLED BY A FULL CROSSOVER NETWORK. THE RESULT IS A POWERFUL BASS

NETWORK. THE RESULT IS A POWERFUL BASS RESPONSE, RICHNESS IN TONE, AND

THE RESULT IS A POWERFUL BASS RESPONSE, RICHNESS IN TONE, AND THE SOUND STILL HOLDS TOGETHER.

RESPONSE, RICHNESS IN TONE, AND THE SOUND STILL HOLDS TOGETHER. NOW, COULD YOU LEAVE US, JIMMY?

THE SOUND STILL HOLDS TOGETHER. NOW, COULD YOU LEAVE US, JIMMY? I AM BUSY.

NOW, COULD YOU LEAVE US, JIMMY? I AM BUSY. OKAY, THANKS, HEF.

I AM BUSY. OKAY, THANKS, HEF. THANKS A LOT.

OKAY, THANKS, HEF. THANKS A LOT. OH, THERE'S ONE MORE THING.

THANKS A LOT. OH, THERE'S ONE MORE THING. WHAT IS IT?

OH, THERE'S ONE MORE THING. WHAT IS IT? THE SECRET SERVICE MEN AND I

WHAT IS IT? THE SECRET SERVICE MEN AND I WOULD LIKE TO USE THE JACUZZI.

THE SECRET SERVICE MEN AND I WOULD LIKE TO USE THE JACUZZI. GO AHEAD.

WOULD LIKE TO USE THE JACUZZI. GO AHEAD. ANYTHING.

GO AHEAD. ANYTHING. OKAY, THANK YOU.

ANYTHING. OKAY, THANK YOU. BYE-BYE, MA'AM.

OKAY, THANK YOU. BYE-BYE, MA'AM. NICE MEETING YOU.

BYE-BYE, MA'AM. NICE MEETING YOU. LET'S GET BACK TO BASIC

NICE MEETING YOU. LET'S GET BACK TO BASIC GEOMETRY.

Announcer: AND NOW IT'S TIME FOR "LISTENING TO GREAT MUSIC," THE PROGRAM DEDICATED TO MUSIC

FOR "LISTENING TO GREAT MUSIC," THE PROGRAM DEDICATED TO MUSIC APPRECIATION, WITH YOUR HOST,

THE PROGRAM DEDICATED TO MUSIC APPRECIATION, WITH YOUR HOST, JOHN BELUSHI.

APPRECIATION, WITH YOUR HOST, JOHN BELUSHI. GOOD EVENING, MUSIC

JOHN BELUSHI. GOOD EVENING, MUSIC LISTENERS.

GOOD EVENING, MUSIC LISTENERS. I'M JOHN BELUSHI, AND TONIGHT ON

LISTENERS. I'M JOHN BELUSHI, AND TONIGHT ON "LISTENING TO GREAT MUSIC," WE

I'M JOHN BELUSHI, AND TONIGHT ON "LISTENING TO GREAT MUSIC," WE ARE GOING TO HEAR A RARE

"LISTENING TO GREAT MUSIC," WE ARE GOING TO HEAR A RARE RECORDING OF RICHARD WAGNER'S

ARE GOING TO HEAR A RARE RECORDING OF RICHARD WAGNER'S "RIDE OF THE VALKYRIES," FROM

RECORDING OF RICHARD WAGNER'S "RIDE OF THE VALKYRIES," FROM "DIE VALKYRIE," ONE OF MY

"RIDE OF THE VALKYRIES," FROM "DIE VALKYRIE," ONE OF MY FAVORITES.

"DIE VALKYRIE," ONE OF MY FAVORITES. WRITTEN IN 1855, ITS FAMILIAR

FAVORITES. WRITTEN IN 1855, ITS FAMILIAR THEME IS CHARGED WITH FIERY

WRITTEN IN 1855, ITS FAMILIAR THEME IS CHARGED WITH FIERY PASSION AND TEXTURED WITH THE

THEME IS CHARGED WITH FIERY PASSION AND TEXTURED WITH THE FULL ORCHESTRA, COMPLETING THE

PASSION AND TEXTURED WITH THE FULL ORCHESTRA, COMPLETING THE ORIGINAL MELODY IN A POWERFUL

FULL ORCHESTRA, COMPLETING THE ORIGINAL MELODY IN A POWERFUL AND FORCEFUL BRILLIANCE.

ORIGINAL MELODY IN A POWERFUL AND FORCEFUL BRILLIANCE. [BLOWING]

AND FORCEFUL BRILLIANCE. [BLOWING] WAGNER OFTEN WRITES MUSIC WHICH

[BLOWING] WAGNER OFTEN WRITES MUSIC WHICH SEEMS TO EVOKE A SORT OF

WAGNER OFTEN WRITES MUSIC WHICH SEEMS TO EVOKE A SORT OF SUGGESTIVENESS OF PLACE, OF

SEEMS TO EVOKE A SORT OF SUGGESTIVENESS OF PLACE, OF THINGS.

SUGGESTIVENESS OF PLACE, OF THINGS. SO, AS I PLAY THE RECORD...

THINGS. SO, AS I PLAY THE RECORD... YOU TRY TO IMAGINE FOR YOURSELF

SO, AS I PLAY THE RECORD... YOU TRY TO IMAGINE FOR YOURSELF THE IMAGES WHICH APPEAR BEFORE

YOU TRY TO IMAGINE FOR YOURSELF THE IMAGES WHICH APPEAR BEFORE YOUR BRAIN FROM THE MUSIC.

THE IMAGES WHICH APPEAR BEFORE YOUR BRAIN FROM THE MUSIC. OKAY?

YOUR BRAIN FROM THE MUSIC. OKAY? JUST IMAGINE.

OKAY? JUST IMAGINE. LISTEN.

JUST IMAGINE. LISTEN. ["THE RIDE OF THE VALKYRIES"

LISTEN. ["THE RIDE OF THE VALKYRIES" PLAYS]

["THE RIDE OF THE VALKYRIES" PLAYS] HORSES.

[PLAYS] HORSES. OH.

HORSES. OH. HORSES.

OH. HORSES. WAVES.

HORSES. WAVES. OH, WAVES.

WAVES. OH, WAVES. A LOT OF PEOPLE!

OH, WAVES. A LOT OF PEOPLE! MOUNTAINS!

A LOT OF PEOPLE! MOUNTAINS! SNOW!

MOUNTAINS! SNOW! LANDSCAPES.

SNOW! LANDSCAPES. FORESTS.

LANDSCAPES. FORESTS. THE SKY!

FORESTS. THE SKY! A FIELD AND A SMALL POND!

THE SKY! A FIELD AND A SMALL POND! A BIG SHOW WITH A LOT OF HORSES!

A FIELD AND A SMALL POND! A BIG SHOW WITH A LOT OF HORSES! A LOT OF PEOPLE GOING TO THE

A BIG SHOW WITH A LOT OF HORSES! A LOT OF PEOPLE GOING TO THE SHOW.

A LOT OF PEOPLE GOING TO THE SHOW. SOME ARE TRYING TO GET IN...

SHOW. SOME ARE TRYING TO GET IN... SOME ARE TRYING TO GET IN FREE.

SOME ARE TRYING TO GET IN... SOME ARE TRYING TO GET IN FREE. AH, BUT THEY CAN'T!

SOME ARE TRYING TO GET IN FREE. AH, BUT THEY CAN'T! SOME OF THE PEOPLE CAN GET IN

AH, BUT THEY CAN'T! SOME OF THE PEOPLE CAN GET IN FREE BECAUSE THEY KNOW THE

SOME OF THE PEOPLE CAN GET IN FREE BECAUSE THEY KNOW THE PEOPLE THAT ARE IN THE SHOW.

FREE BECAUSE THEY KNOW THE PEOPLE THAT ARE IN THE SHOW. WELL, THEY'RE ALL WATCHING THE

PEOPLE THAT ARE IN THE SHOW. WELL, THEY'RE ALL WATCHING THE BIG SHOW AND THERE ARE A LOT OF

WELL, THEY'RE ALL WATCHING THE BIG SHOW AND THERE ARE A LOT OF PEOPLE.

BIG SHOW AND THERE ARE A LOT OF PEOPLE. EVERYBODY'S HAVING A GOOD TIME,

PEOPLE. EVERYBODY'S HAVING A GOOD TIME, AND THEN... AND THEN THERE'S...

EVERYBODY'S HAVING A GOOD TIME, AND THEN... AND THEN THERE'S... [RECORD SCRATCHING]

AND THEN... AND THEN THERE'S... [RECORD SCRATCHING] AH, RAINBOWS!

[RECORD SCRATCHING] AH, RAINBOWS! AHH.

AH, RAINBOWS! AHH. RAINBOWS, WATERFALLS.

AHH. RAINBOWS, WATERFALLS. OOH, THERE ARE TWO PEOPLE WHO

RAINBOWS, WATERFALLS. OOH, THERE ARE TWO PEOPLE WHO MEET AND FALL IN LOVE.

OOH, THERE ARE TWO PEOPLE WHO MEET AND FALL IN LOVE. AND IMMEDIATELY THEY FLY TO

MEET AND FALL IN LOVE. AND IMMEDIATELY THEY FLY TO HAWAII.

AND IMMEDIATELY THEY FLY TO HAWAII. FLYING TO HAWAII.

HAWAII. FLYING TO HAWAII. OH, THEY WANT TO GET MARRIED,

FLYING TO HAWAII. OH, THEY WANT TO GET MARRIED, BUT... OH! THEY CAN'T!

OH, THEY WANT TO GET MARRIED, BUT... OH! THEY CAN'T! THEY CAN'T BECAUSE THE FATHER

BUT... OH! THEY CAN'T! THEY CAN'T BECAUSE THE FATHER DOESN'T APPROVE OF THE MARRIAGE!

THEY CAN'T BECAUSE THE FATHER DOESN'T APPROVE OF THE MARRIAGE! FINALLY, THE GUY GETS THE FATHER

DOESN'T APPROVE OF THE MARRIAGE! FINALLY, THE GUY GETS THE FATHER TO LET HIM MARRY HIS DAUGHTER!

FINALLY, THE GUY GETS THE FATHER TO LET HIM MARRY HIS DAUGHTER! THEN SUDDENLY THERE'S A WAR!

TO LET HIM MARRY HIS DAUGHTER! THEN SUDDENLY THERE'S A WAR! [RECORD SCRATCHING]

THEN SUDDENLY THERE'S A WAR! [RECORD SCRATCHING] WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.

[RECORD SCRATCHING] WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT. AAH!

WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT. AAH! THERE'S A WAR!

AAH! THERE'S A WAR! EVERYBODY'S GOT TO GO TO RUSSIA

THERE'S A WAR! EVERYBODY'S GOT TO GO TO RUSSIA AND FIGHT THE ENEMY!

EVERYBODY'S GOT TO GO TO RUSSIA AND FIGHT THE ENEMY! AH, THERE'S ALL KINDS OF BOMBERS

AND FIGHT THE ENEMY! AH, THERE'S ALL KINDS OF BOMBERS THERE!

AH, THERE'S ALL KINDS OF BOMBERS THERE! CKK! AAAH! AAH!

THERE! CKK! AAAH! AAH! LOOK OUT! LOOK OUT!

CKK! AAAH! AAH! LOOK OUT! LOOK OUT! JET PLANES AND ROCKETS!

LOOK OUT! LOOK OUT! JET PLANES AND ROCKETS! AAH!

JET PLANES AND ROCKETS! AAH! LOOK OUT!

AAH! LOOK OUT! [RECORD SCRATCHING]

LOOK OUT! [RECORD SCRATCHING] AAH, JET PLANES, ROCKETS!

[RECORD SCRATCHING] AAH, JET PLANES, ROCKETS! AND HERE, COSSACKS ARE COMING!

AAH, JET PLANES, ROCKETS! AND HERE, COSSACKS ARE COMING! THE COSSACKS ARE COMING IN THE

AND HERE, COSSACKS ARE COMING! THE COSSACKS ARE COMING IN THE HOUSE!

THE COSSACKS ARE COMING IN THE HOUSE! LOOK OUT, THEY GOT KIRBY!

HOUSE! LOOK OUT, THEY GOT KIRBY! THEY GOT KIRBY!

LOOK OUT, THEY GOT KIRBY! THEY GOT KIRBY! MEDIC!

THEY GOT KIRBY! MEDIC! MEDIC!

MEDIC! MEDIC! LIEUTENANT!

MEDIC! LIEUTENANT! I'LL SEE YOU IN BERLIN, YOU

LIEUTENANT! I'LL SEE YOU IN BERLIN, YOU DIRTY KRAUT!

I'LL SEE YOU IN BERLIN, YOU DIRTY KRAUT! YOU DIRTY KRAUT!

DIRTY KRAUT! YOU DIRTY KRAUT! [INDISTINCT SCREAMING]

Announcer: AND NOW "WEEKEND UPDATE" WITH THE "WEEKEND UPDATE" NEWS TEAM.

"WEEKEND UPDATE" WITH THE "WEEKEND UPDATE" NEWS TEAM. HERE ARE JANE CURTIN AND

"WEEKEND UPDATE" NEWS TEAM. HERE ARE JANE CURTIN AND DON AYKROYD.

HERE ARE JANE CURTIN AND DON AYKROYD. THAT'S DAN AYKROYD.

DON AYKROYD. THAT'S DAN AYKROYD. Announcer: WHAT WAS THAT?

THAT'S DAN AYKROYD. Announcer: WHAT WAS THAT? THAT'S DAN, DON.

Announcer: WHAT WAS THAT? THAT'S DAN, DON. Announcer: I'M SORRY, DAN.

THAT'S DAN, DON. Announcer: I'M SORRY, DAN. IT MUST HAVE BEEN A

Announcer: I'M SORRY, DAN. IT MUST HAVE BEEN A TYPOGRAPHICAL ERROR ON MY

IT MUST HAVE BEEN A TYPOGRAPHICAL ERROR ON MY SCRIPT.

TYPOGRAPHICAL ERROR ON MY SCRIPT. I BEG YOUR PARDO.

SCRIPT. I BEG YOUR PARDO. THAT'S "PARDON."

I BEG YOUR PARDO. THAT'S "PARDON." Announcer: OH, I'M SORRY!

THAT'S "PARDON." Announcer: OH, I'M SORRY! IT MUST HAVE BEEN A

Announcer: OH, I'M SORRY! IT MUST HAVE BEEN A TYPOGRAPHICAL ERROR.

IT MUST HAVE BEEN A TYPOGRAPHICAL ERROR. THANK YOU, DON PARDO.

TYPOGRAPHICAL ERROR. THANK YOU, DON PARDO. OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT,

THANK YOU, DON PARDO. OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT, PROFESSOR JOHN VAN VLECK OF

OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT, PROFESSOR JOHN VAN VLECK OF HARVARD UNIVERSITY WON THE

PROFESSOR JOHN VAN VLECK OF HARVARD UNIVERSITY WON THE NOBEL PRIZE FOR PHYSICS THIS

HARVARD UNIVERSITY WON THE NOBEL PRIZE FOR PHYSICS THIS WEEK.

NOBEL PRIZE FOR PHYSICS THIS WEEK. HE IS SHOWN HERE WITH HIS

WEEK. HE IS SHOWN HERE WITH HIS INVENTION, A PARTY DOLL FOR

HE IS SHOWN HERE WITH HIS INVENTION, A PARTY DOLL FOR OLDER MEN.

INVENTION, A PARTY DOLL FOR OLDER MEN. CONGRATULATIONS, PROFESSOR.

A TERRORIST GROUP CALLING

THEMSELVES THE GAY BAKERS STRUCK

AGAIN YESTERDAY, THIS TIME IN

DES MOINES, IOWA.

NOW WATCH THIS.

ALL KINDS OF PROBLEMS, AND... [LAUGHTER] NO, NO, LET HIM STAY.

[LAUGHTER] NO, NO, LET HIM STAY. LET HIM STAY.

NO, NO, LET HIM STAY. LET HIM STAY. WELL, AT LEAST IT'S A FRUIT

LET HIM STAY. WELL, AT LEAST IT'S A FRUIT PIE.

WELL, AT LEAST IT'S A FRUIT PIE. FORTUNATELY, MISS BRYANT, WHO

PIE. FORTUNATELY, MISS BRYANT, WHO WAS NOT INJURED, ENJOYED A GOOD

FORTUNATELY, MISS BRYANT, WHO WAS NOT INJURED, ENJOYED A GOOD LAUGH AND SAID IT WAS OKAY IF

WAS NOT INJURED, ENJOYED A GOOD LAUGH AND SAID IT WAS OKAY IF THE ASSAILANT DATED HER HUSBAND.

LAUGH AND SAID IT WAS OKAY IF THE ASSAILANT DATED HER HUSBAND. THE NATIONAL ASSOCIATION OF

THE ASSAILANT DATED HER HUSBAND. THE NATIONAL ASSOCIATION OF BROADCASTERS, BETTER KNOWN AS

THE NATIONAL ASSOCIATION OF BROADCASTERS, BETTER KNOWN AS THE N.A.B., HAS ISSUED REVISED

BROADCASTERS, BETTER KNOWN AS THE N.A.B., HAS ISSUED REVISED GUIDELINES FOR LAXATIVE

THE N.A.B., HAS ISSUED REVISED GUIDELINES FOR LAXATIVE COMMERCIALS ON TELEVISION,

GUIDELINES FOR LAXATIVE COMMERCIALS ON TELEVISION, STATING, "GRAPHIC

COMMERCIALS ON TELEVISION, STATING, "GRAPHIC REPRESENTATIONS OF SYMPTOMS

STATING, "GRAPHIC REPRESENTATIONS OF SYMPTOMS AND/OR PRODUCT MECHANIC SHALL

REPRESENTATIONS OF SYMPTOMS AND/OR PRODUCT MECHANIC SHALL NOT BE PERMITTED.

AND/OR PRODUCT MECHANIC SHALL NOT BE PERMITTED. FOR EXAMPLE, RAIN, RIVERS,

NOT BE PERMITTED. FOR EXAMPLE, RAIN, RIVERS, GELATIN, CONCRETE BLOCKS,

FOR EXAMPLE, RAIN, RIVERS, GELATIN, CONCRETE BLOCKS, ET CETERA."

GELATIN, CONCRETE BLOCKS, ET CETERA." THE LAXATIVE INDUSTRY'S

ET CETERA." THE LAXATIVE INDUSTRY'S DELEGATION OF UNITED

THE LAXATIVE INDUSTRY'S DELEGATION OF UNITED MANUFACTURERS AND PRODUCERS,

DELEGATION OF UNITED MANUFACTURERS AND PRODUCERS, BETTER KNOWN AS D.U.M.P., ISSUED

MANUFACTURERS AND PRODUCERS, BETTER KNOWN AS D.U.M.P., ISSUED A REPLY, SAYING, "WE HAVE

BETTER KNOWN AS D.U.M.P., ISSUED A REPLY, SAYING, "WE HAVE RECEIVED THE GUIDELINES AND

A REPLY, SAYING, "WE HAVE RECEIVED THE GUIDELINES AND SHALL DRAW OUR CONCLUSIONS, AS

RECEIVED THE GUIDELINES AND SHALL DRAW OUR CONCLUSIONS, AS WE USUALLY DO, BY A PROCESS OF

SHALL DRAW OUR CONCLUSIONS, AS WE USUALLY DO, BY A PROCESS OF ELIMINATION."

WE USUALLY DO, BY A PROCESS OF ELIMINATION." DODGERS FAN

ELIMINATION." DODGERS FAN MISS LILLIAN CARTER THIS WEEK

DODGERS FAN MISS LILLIAN CARTER THIS WEEK TOLD THE LOS ANGELES TIMES THAT

MISS LILLIAN CARTER THIS WEEK TOLD THE LOS ANGELES TIMES THAT SHE DOESN'T LIKE ABC

TOLD THE LOS ANGELES TIMES THAT SHE DOESN'T LIKE ABC SPORTSCASTER HOWARD COSELL,

SHE DOESN'T LIKE ABC SPORTSCASTER HOWARD COSELL, SAYING, "I DON'T WANT HIM TO

SPORTSCASTER HOWARD COSELL, SAYING, "I DON'T WANT HIM TO DIE, BUT I WISH THEY'D TAKE HIM

SAYING, "I DON'T WANT HIM TO DIE, BUT I WISH THEY'D TAKE HIM OFF THE AIR."

DIE, BUT I WISH THEY'D TAKE HIM OFF THE AIR." COSELL, RESPONDING TO THE

OFF THE AIR." COSELL, RESPONDING TO THE REMARKS OF THE 79-YEAR-OLD

COSELL, RESPONDING TO THE REMARKS OF THE 79-YEAR-OLD PRESIDENTIAL MOTHER, REPORTEDLY

REMARKS OF THE 79-YEAR-OLD PRESIDENTIAL MOTHER, REPORTEDLY SAID, "I HAVE NO ANIMOSITY

PRESIDENTIAL MOTHER, REPORTEDLY SAID, "I HAVE NO ANIMOSITY TOWARDS MISS LILLIAN, AND I HOPE

SAID, "I HAVE NO ANIMOSITY TOWARDS MISS LILLIAN, AND I HOPE SHE LIVES TO BE 80."

TOWARDS MISS LILLIAN, AND I HOPE SHE LIVES TO BE 80." ON THE STUDIO FLOOR, AND

SHE LIVES TO BE 80." ON THE STUDIO FLOOR, AND THIS IS THE "UPDATE" SET IN

ON THE STUDIO FLOOR, AND THIS IS THE "UPDATE" SET IN STUDIO 8H, WHERE

THIS IS THE "UPDATE" SET IN STUDIO 8H, WHERE "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE" IS

STUDIO 8H, WHERE "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE" IS PRODUCED EVERY SATURDAY EVENING.

"SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE" IS PRODUCED EVERY SATURDAY EVENING. CHROMA-KEY AREA.

PRODUCED EVERY SATURDAY EVENING. CHROMA-KEY AREA. THERE'S DAN AYKROYD AND

CHROMA-KEY AREA. THERE'S DAN AYKROYD AND JANE CURTIN.

THERE'S DAN AYKROYD AND JANE CURTIN. WHERE'S CHEVY?

JANE CURTIN. WHERE'S CHEVY? I'M SORRY.

WHERE'S CHEVY? I'M SORRY. CHEVY IS NO LONGER WITH THE

I'M SORRY. CHEVY IS NO LONGER WITH THE SHOW.

CHEVY IS NO LONGER WITH THE SHOW. YOU'LL COME THIS WAY, AND WE'LL

SHOW. YOU'LL COME THIS WAY, AND WE'LL SEE THE RECORDING STUDIO

YOU'LL COME THIS WAY, AND WE'LL SEE THE RECORDING STUDIO WHERE...

SEE THE RECORDING STUDIO WHERE... CONTROL... YEAH, THEY JUST

WHERE... CONTROL... YEAH, THEY JUST BROUGHT A TOUR THROUGH THE

CONTROL... YEAH, THEY JUST BROUGHT A TOUR THROUGH THE "UPDATE" SET.

BROUGHT A TOUR THROUGH THE "UPDATE" SET. OH, THAT'S GONNA BE NORMAL

"UPDATE" SET. OH, THAT'S GONNA BE NORMAL PROCEDURE?

OH, THAT'S GONNA BE NORMAL PROCEDURE? OH, OKAY.

PROCEDURE? OH, OKAY. I DON'T KNOW.

OH, OKAY. I DON'T KNOW. [CLEARS THROAT]

I DON'T KNOW. [CLEARS THROAT] WITH THE DISCOVERY OF STILL

[CLEARS THROAT] WITH THE DISCOVERY OF STILL ANOTHER DIAMOND DEALER'S BODY

WITH THE DISCOVERY OF STILL ANOTHER DIAMOND DEALER'S BODY THIS WEEK IN PUERTO RICO, THE

ANOTHER DIAMOND DEALER'S BODY THIS WEEK IN PUERTO RICO, THE COUNT IS NOW AT AT LEAST SIX

THIS WEEK IN PUERTO RICO, THE COUNT IS NOW AT AT LEAST SIX MURDERS OF DIAMOND DEALERS WITH

COUNT IS NOW AT AT LEAST SIX MURDERS OF DIAMOND DEALERS WITH MORE DISCOVERIES ANTICIPATED.

MURDERS OF DIAMOND DEALERS WITH MORE DISCOVERIES ANTICIPATED. AUTHORITIES WITH FEW CLUES TO GO

MORE DISCOVERIES ANTICIPATED. AUTHORITIES WITH FEW CLUES TO GO ON ARE NOW CONFRONTED BY THE

AUTHORITIES WITH FEW CLUES TO GO ON ARE NOW CONFRONTED BY THE POSSIBILITY OF A MOTIVE.

ON ARE NOW CONFRONTED BY THE POSSIBILITY OF A MOTIVE. THEY'RE CALLING IT GEMICIDE.

POSSIBILITY OF A MOTIVE. THEY'RE CALLING IT GEMICIDE. THIS WEEK, THE SUPREME COURT

THEY'RE CALLING IT GEMICIDE. THIS WEEK, THE SUPREME COURT UPHELD CONGRESS' BAN ON THE USE

THIS WEEK, THE SUPREME COURT UPHELD CONGRESS' BAN ON THE USE OF MEDICAID MONEY FOR ABORTIONS.

UPHELD CONGRESS' BAN ON THE USE OF MEDICAID MONEY FOR ABORTIONS. THE COURT RULED THAT A FETUS

OF MEDICAID MONEY FOR ABORTIONS. THE COURT RULED THAT A FETUS BECOMES A HUMAN BEING AT THREE

THE COURT RULED THAT A FETUS BECOMES A HUMAN BEING AT THREE MONTHS IF THE PARENTS EARN

BECOMES A HUMAN BEING AT THREE MONTHS IF THE PARENTS EARN $15,000 OR MORE A YEAR AND AT

MONTHS IF THE PARENTS EARN $15,000 OR MORE A YEAR AND AT ONE MONTH IF THE PARENTS EARN

$15,000 OR MORE A YEAR AND AT ONE MONTH IF THE PARENTS EARN LESS.

ONE MONTH IF THE PARENTS EARN LESS. NADIA COMANECI, THE 15-YEAR-OLD

LESS. NADIA COMANECI, THE 15-YEAR-OLD DARLING OF THE 1976 OLYMPICS,

NADIA COMANECI, THE 15-YEAR-OLD DARLING OF THE 1976 OLYMPICS, HAS JUST BEGUN A 60-CITY TOUR OF

DARLING OF THE 1976 OLYMPICS, HAS JUST BEGUN A 60-CITY TOUR OF THE UNITED STATES, AND, FRANKLY,

HAS JUST BEGUN A 60-CITY TOUR OF THE UNITED STATES, AND, FRANKLY, I COULDN'T BE HAPPIER.

THE UNITED STATES, AND, FRANKLY, I COULDN'T BE HAPPIER. SHE'S LIKE POETRY IN MOTION.

I COULDN'T BE HAPPIER. SHE'S LIKE POETRY IN MOTION. AND WE HAVE THIS FOOTAGE FOR YOU

SHE'S LIKE POETRY IN MOTION. AND WE HAVE THIS FOOTAGE FOR YOU RIGHT NOW.

AND WE HAVE THIS FOOTAGE FOR YOU RIGHT NOW. [CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYS]

HI! I'M NADIA COMANECI! AREN'T I CUTE? PLEASE, COME SEE ME PERFORM ALL

AREN'T I CUTE? PLEASE, COME SEE ME PERFORM ALL OVER THIS COUNTRY WHEN I COME TO

PLEASE, COME SEE ME PERFORM ALL OVER THIS COUNTRY WHEN I COME TO YOUR CITY!

OVER THIS COUNTRY WHEN I COME TO YOUR CITY! I'M ONLY 15 YEARS OLD NOW, BUT

YOUR CITY! I'M ONLY 15 YEARS OLD NOW, BUT I HAVE TO MAKE ALL THE MONEY I

I'M ONLY 15 YEARS OLD NOW, BUT I HAVE TO MAKE ALL THE MONEY I CAN BECAUSE I WON'T BE CUTE

I HAVE TO MAKE ALL THE MONEY I CAN BECAUSE I WON'T BE CUTE FOREVER.

CAN BECAUSE I WON'T BE CUTE FOREVER. BEFORE YOU KNOW IT, I'LL GROW UP

FOREVER. BEFORE YOU KNOW IT, I'LL GROW UP TO BE A BIG, FAT ROMANIAN WOMAN

BEFORE YOU KNOW IT, I'LL GROW UP TO BE A BIG, FAT ROMANIAN WOMAN WITH FAT THIGHS AND A MUSTACHE

TO BE A BIG, FAT ROMANIAN WOMAN WITH FAT THIGHS AND A MUSTACHE LIKE MY MOTHER!

WITH FAT THIGHS AND A MUSTACHE LIKE MY MOTHER! WE DON'T AGE SO GOOD.

LIKE MY MOTHER! WE DON'T AGE SO GOOD. SO WHO'S GONNA WANT TO SEE ME

WE DON'T AGE SO GOOD. SO WHO'S GONNA WANT TO SEE ME THEN?

SO WHO'S GONNA WANT TO SEE ME THEN? IT'S SO HARD TO DO GYMNASTICS

THEN? IT'S SO HARD TO DO GYMNASTICS WHILE YOU'RE ARGUING WITH

IT'S SO HARD TO DO GYMNASTICS WHILE YOU'RE ARGUING WITH STOREKEEPERS.

WHILE YOU'RE ARGUING WITH STOREKEEPERS. [CHUCKLES]

STOREKEEPERS. [CHUCKLES] SO, SEE ME NOW WHILE I'M STILL

[CHUCKLES] SO, SEE ME NOW WHILE I'M STILL DARLING!

SO, SEE ME NOW WHILE I'M STILL DARLING! BYE!

DARLING! BYE! YOU KNOW, JANE, SHE IS SO

BYE! YOU KNOW, JANE, SHE IS SO CUTE, THAT GIRL.

YOU KNOW, JANE, SHE IS SO CUTE, THAT GIRL. SHE SURE IS.

CUTE, THAT GIRL. SHE SURE IS. BUT I THOUGHT HER PARALLEL

SHE SURE IS. BUT I THOUGHT HER PARALLEL BARS... THE PARALLEL BARS WERE

BUT I THOUGHT HER PARALLEL BARS... THE PARALLEL BARS WERE HER FIRST LOVE.

BARS... THE PARALLEL BARS WERE HER FIRST LOVE. MINE, TOO.

HER FIRST LOVE. MINE, TOO. A LOT OF US GIRLS WHO TOOK GYM

MINE, TOO. A LOT OF US GIRLS WHO TOOK GYM CLASS LOST IT TO THE PARALLEL

A LOT OF US GIRLS WHO TOOK GYM CLASS LOST IT TO THE PARALLEL BARS.

CLASS LOST IT TO THE PARALLEL BARS. THE CALHOUN NATIONAL BANK IN

BARS. THE CALHOUN NATIONAL BANK IN GEORGIA HAS CONSTRUCTED A NEW

THE CALHOUN NATIONAL BANK IN GEORGIA HAS CONSTRUCTED A NEW OFFICE FOR RETURNING BANK

GEORGIA HAS CONSTRUCTED A NEW OFFICE FOR RETURNING BANK EXECUTIVE BURT LANCE FOLLOWING

OFFICE FOR RETURNING BANK EXECUTIVE BURT LANCE FOLLOWING LANCE'S REQUEST THAT HE BE

EXECUTIVE BURT LANCE FOLLOWING LANCE'S REQUEST THAT HE BE ALLOWED TO START ALL OVER AGAIN

LANCE'S REQUEST THAT HE BE ALLOWED TO START ALL OVER AGAIN AT THE BOTTOM.

ALLOWED TO START ALL OVER AGAIN AT THE BOTTOM. WELL, THE WORLD SERIES OPENED

AT THE BOTTOM. WELL, THE WORLD SERIES OPENED THIS WEEK, AND AFTER FOUR GAMES,

WELL, THE WORLD SERIES OPENED THIS WEEK, AND AFTER FOUR GAMES, THE YANKS ARE LEADING THREE

THIS WEEK, AND AFTER FOUR GAMES, THE YANKS ARE LEADING THREE GAMES TO ONE.

THE YANKS ARE LEADING THREE GAMES TO ONE. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

GAMES TO ONE. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] TOMORROW THEY'LL PLAY THE FIFTH

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] TOMORROW THEY'LL PLAY THE FIFTH GAME AT DODGER STADIUM WITH

TOMORROW THEY'LL PLAY THE FIFTH GAME AT DODGER STADIUM WITH ETHEL MERMAN SINGING THE

GAME AT DODGER STADIUM WITH ETHEL MERMAN SINGING THE NATIONAL ANTHEM BEFORE THE GAME.

ETHEL MERMAN SINGING THE NATIONAL ANTHEM BEFORE THE GAME. THE YANKS HAVE SURPRISED A LOT

NATIONAL ANTHEM BEFORE THE GAME. THE YANKS HAVE SURPRISED A LOT OF SKEPTICS WITH THEIR PITCHING

THE YANKS HAVE SURPRISED A LOT OF SKEPTICS WITH THEIR PITCHING DESPITE THE FACT THAT MOST OF

OF SKEPTICS WITH THEIR PITCHING DESPITE THE FACT THAT MOST OF THEIR PITCHERS ARE INJURED.

DESPITE THE FACT THAT MOST OF THEIR PITCHERS ARE INJURED. BUT AS INSURANCE IN THE EVENT

THEIR PITCHERS ARE INJURED. BUT AS INSURANCE IN THE EVENT THAT THE SERIES DOES GO A FULL

BUT AS INSURANCE IN THE EVENT THAT THE SERIES DOES GO A FULL SEVEN GAMES, THE YANKS HAVE

THAT THE SERIES DOES GO A FULL SEVEN GAMES, THE YANKS HAVE ANNOUNCED THE SIGNING OF FORMER

SEVEN GAMES, THE YANKS HAVE ANNOUNCED THE SIGNING OF FORMER ST. LOUIS CARDINAL DIZZY DEAN.

ANNOUNCED THE SIGNING OF FORMER ST. LOUIS CARDINAL DIZZY DEAN. DESPITE THE FACT THAT DEAN HAS

ST. LOUIS CARDINAL DIZZY DEAN. DESPITE THE FACT THAT DEAN HAS BEEN DEAD FOR THE PAST TWO

DESPITE THE FACT THAT DEAN HAS BEEN DEAD FOR THE PAST TWO YEARS, THE YANKEE BRASS IS

BEEN DEAD FOR THE PAST TWO YEARS, THE YANKEE BRASS IS CONFIDENT THAT HE'LL STILL FARE

YEARS, THE YANKEE BRASS IS CONFIDENT THAT HE'LL STILL FARE BETTER THAN CATFISH HUNTER.

CONFIDENT THAT HE'LL STILL FARE BETTER THAN CATFISH HUNTER. I'M SURE DIZZY WILL BOUNCE

BETTER THAN CATFISH HUNTER. I'M SURE DIZZY WILL BOUNCE BACK THERE.

I'M SURE DIZZY WILL BOUNCE BACK THERE. WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?

BACK THERE. WHAT'S GOING ON HERE? WE HAVE A BULLETIN COMING IN ON

WHAT'S GOING ON HERE? WE HAVE A BULLETIN COMING IN ON THE NBC DANCING "N."

WE HAVE A BULLETIN COMING IN ON THE NBC DANCING "N." THIS IS THE NBC NEWS UPDATE

THE NBC DANCING "N." THIS IS THE NBC NEWS UPDATE DANCING "N."

THIS IS THE NBC NEWS UPDATE DANCING "N." IF I CAN...

DANCING "N." IF I CAN... JUST...

IF I CAN... JUST... [APPLAUSE]

JUST... [APPLAUSE] THIS JUST IN FROM YOUR

[APPLAUSE] THIS JUST IN FROM YOUR NATIONAL DRUG ABUSE

THIS JUST IN FROM YOUR NATIONAL DRUG ABUSE ASSOCIATION... "COCAINE AND

NATIONAL DRUG ABUSE ASSOCIATION... "COCAINE AND HEROIN DO NOT MIX.

ASSOCIATION... "COCAINE AND HEROIN DO NOT MIX. IF YOU MUST SNORT, DON'T SHOOT."

HEROIN DO NOT MIX. IF YOU MUST SNORT, DON'T SHOOT." WELL, TONIGHT, WE'RE PROUD TO

IF YOU MUST SNORT, DON'T SHOOT." WELL, TONIGHT, WE'RE PROUD TO ANNOUNCE THAT TONIGHT'S SHOW IS

WELL, TONIGHT, WE'RE PROUD TO ANNOUNCE THAT TONIGHT'S SHOW IS THE FIRST "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE"

ANNOUNCE THAT TONIGHT'S SHOW IS THE FIRST "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE" TO BE BROADCAST OVERSEAS TO THE

THE FIRST "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE" TO BE BROADCAST OVERSEAS TO THE ARMED FORCES NETWORK, AND WE'D

TO BE BROADCAST OVERSEAS TO THE ARMED FORCES NETWORK, AND WE'D LIKE TO WELCOME SOME 1 MILLION

ARMED FORCES NETWORK, AND WE'D LIKE TO WELCOME SOME 1 MILLION MILITARY PERSONNEL WHO ARE

LIKE TO WELCOME SOME 1 MILLION MILITARY PERSONNEL WHO ARE WATCHING "WEEKEND UPDATE" FOR

MILITARY PERSONNEL WHO ARE WATCHING "WEEKEND UPDATE" FOR THE FIRST TIME.

WATCHING "WEEKEND UPDATE" FOR THE FIRST TIME. UH...

THE FIRST TIME. UH... THIS JUST IN... WE'RE AT WAR.

UH... THIS JUST IN... WE'RE AT WAR. ARMY PERSONNEL, TURN OFF YOUR

THIS JUST IN... WE'RE AT WAR. ARMY PERSONNEL, TURN OFF YOUR SETS AND DO WHAT YOU'RE SUPPOSED

ARMY PERSONNEL, TURN OFF YOUR SETS AND DO WHAT YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO DO.

SETS AND DO WHAT YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO DO. JUST KIDDING!

TO DO. JUST KIDDING! GOOD NIGHT AND HAVE A PLEASANT

JUST KIDDING! GOOD NIGHT AND HAVE A PLEASANT TOMORROW.

GOOD NIGHT AND HAVE A PLEASANT TOMORROW. Announcer: "WEEKEND UPDATE"

TOMORROW. Announcer: "WEEKEND UPDATE" IS A PRESENTATION OF

Announcer: "WEEKEND UPDATE" IS A PRESENTATION OF "SATURDAY NIGHT NEWS," KEEPING

IS A PRESENTATION OF "SATURDAY NIGHT NEWS," KEEPING AMERICA INFORMED FOR OVER A

"SATURDAY NIGHT NEWS," KEEPING AMERICA INFORMED FOR OVER A FIFTIETH OF A CENTURY.

Announcer: WELCOME TO "THE HISTORY OF SEX IN CINEMA," AND HERE'S YOUR HOST, NOTED SEX

"THE HISTORY OF SEX IN CINEMA," AND HERE'S YOUR HOST, NOTED SEX AUTHORITY HUGH HEFNER.

AND HERE'S YOUR HOST, NOTED SEX AUTHORITY HUGH HEFNER. OH, HELLO.

AUTHORITY HUGH HEFNER. OH, HELLO. I'M NOTED SEX AUTHORITY

OH, HELLO. I'M NOTED SEX AUTHORITY HUGH HEFNER.

I'M NOTED SEX AUTHORITY HUGH HEFNER. WELCOME TO "THE HISTORY OF SEX

HUGH HEFNER. WELCOME TO "THE HISTORY OF SEX IN CINEMA."

WELCOME TO "THE HISTORY OF SEX IN CINEMA." AS YOU KNOW, ON

IN CINEMA." AS YOU KNOW, ON "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE," ONE CAN

AS YOU KNOW, ON "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE," ONE CAN SAY ANYTHING ONE LIKES.

"SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE," ONE CAN SAY ANYTHING ONE LIKES. FOR EXAMPLE, THE WORD "PENIS."

SAY ANYTHING ONE LIKES. FOR EXAMPLE, THE WORD "PENIS." HOWEVER, THERE WAS A TIME WHEN

FOR EXAMPLE, THE WORD "PENIS." HOWEVER, THERE WAS A TIME WHEN AMERICAN ENTERTAINMENT WAS

HOWEVER, THERE WAS A TIME WHEN AMERICAN ENTERTAINMENT WAS CENSORED BY PURITANICAL

AMERICAN ENTERTAINMENT WAS CENSORED BY PURITANICAL MORALITY.

CENSORED BY PURITANICAL MORALITY. IN THE 1930s AND '40s, THE HAYS

MORALITY. IN THE 1930s AND '40s, THE HAYS OFFICE PLACED RESTRICTIONS ON

IN THE 1930s AND '40s, THE HAYS OFFICE PLACED RESTRICTIONS ON MOTION PICTURES WITH A STRICT

OFFICE PLACED RESTRICTIONS ON MOTION PICTURES WITH A STRICT CODE OF STANDARDS.

MOTION PICTURES WITH A STRICT CODE OF STANDARDS. NOW, ONE RULE OF THE HAYS CODE

CODE OF STANDARDS. NOW, ONE RULE OF THE HAYS CODE STATED THAT IF A MAN AND A WOMAN

NOW, ONE RULE OF THE HAYS CODE STATED THAT IF A MAN AND A WOMAN APPEARED ON A BED TOGETHER, AT

STATED THAT IF A MAN AND A WOMAN APPEARED ON A BED TOGETHER, AT LEAST ONE OF THEIR FOUR FEET

APPEARED ON A BED TOGETHER, AT LEAST ONE OF THEIR FOUR FEET MUST REMAIN ON THE FLOOR.

LEAST ONE OF THEIR FOUR FEET MUST REMAIN ON THE FLOOR. TONIGHT, WE PRESENT THE FINAL

MUST REMAIN ON THE FLOOR. TONIGHT, WE PRESENT THE FINAL SCENE FROM

TONIGHT, WE PRESENT THE FINAL SCENE FROM "THE FIRST MRS. KIMBLE," A

SCENE FROM "THE FIRST MRS. KIMBLE," A SCREWBALL COMEDY STARRING THE

"THE FIRST MRS. KIMBLE," A SCREWBALL COMEDY STARRING THE DASHING YOUNG CARY GRANT AND

SCREWBALL COMEDY STARRING THE DASHING YOUNG CARY GRANT AND IRREPRESSIBLE KATHERINE HEPBURN.

DASHING YOUNG CARY GRANT AND IRREPRESSIBLE KATHERINE HEPBURN. NOW, EVEN THOUGH THE SCENE

IRREPRESSIBLE KATHERINE HEPBURN. NOW, EVEN THOUGH THE SCENE TECHNICALLY STAYED WITHIN THE

NOW, EVEN THOUGH THE SCENE TECHNICALLY STAYED WITHIN THE LETTER OF THIS "ONE FOOT ON THE

TECHNICALLY STAYED WITHIN THE LETTER OF THIS "ONE FOOT ON THE FLOOR" RULE, IT NEVERTHELESS

LETTER OF THIS "ONE FOOT ON THE FLOOR" RULE, IT NEVERTHELESS VIOLATED THE RULE'S INTENT AND

FLOOR" RULE, IT NEVERTHELESS VIOLATED THE RULE'S INTENT AND WAS NEVER ALLOWED TO BE SEEN IN

VIOLATED THE RULE'S INTENT AND WAS NEVER ALLOWED TO BE SEEN IN AMERICA.

WAS NEVER ALLOWED TO BE SEEN IN AMERICA. THAT IS, UNTIL TONIGHT.

BUT, JUDY, I CAN'T GO TO THE LAWYER'S OFFICE IN THIS! I LOOK RIDICULOUS!

LAWYER'S OFFICE IN THIS! I LOOK RIDICULOUS! I THINK YOU LOOK RATHER CUTE.

I LOOK RIDICULOUS! I THINK YOU LOOK RATHER CUTE. WELL, GO BACK TO THE LAUNDRY

I THINK YOU LOOK RATHER CUTE. WELL, GO BACK TO THE LAUNDRY AND TELL THEM I NEED MY SUIT.

WELL, GO BACK TO THE LAUNDRY AND TELL THEM I NEED MY SUIT. YOU CAN'T BOSS ME AROUND.

AND TELL THEM I NEED MY SUIT. YOU CAN'T BOSS ME AROUND. I'M NOT YOUR WIFE ANYMORE.

YOU CAN'T BOSS ME AROUND. I'M NOT YOUR WIFE ANYMORE. WELL, YOU ARE UNTIL YOU SIGN

I'M NOT YOUR WIFE ANYMORE. WELL, YOU ARE UNTIL YOU SIGN THOSE PAPERS.

WELL, YOU ARE UNTIL YOU SIGN THOSE PAPERS. NOW GO GET ME MY SUIT.

THOSE PAPERS. NOW GO GET ME MY SUIT. AH, AH, AH.

NOW GO GET ME MY SUIT. AH, AH, AH. ALL RIGHT!

AH, AH, AH. ALL RIGHT! I'M PUTTING MY FOOT DOWN!

ALL RIGHT! I'M PUTTING MY FOOT DOWN! IS THAT ALL RIGHT?

I'M PUTTING MY FOOT DOWN! IS THAT ALL RIGHT? YOU'RE SUCH A LITTLE BOY,

IS THAT ALL RIGHT? YOU'RE SUCH A LITTLE BOY, GEORGE KIMBLE.

YOU'RE SUCH A LITTLE BOY, GEORGE KIMBLE. I LOVE YOU.

GEORGE KIMBLE. I LOVE YOU. YES, I NOTICED IT WAS GETTING

I LOVE YOU. YES, I NOTICED IT WAS GETTING A LITTLE WARMER IN HERE.

YES, I NOTICED IT WAS GETTING A LITTLE WARMER IN HERE. OH, JUDY, JUDY...

A LITTLE WARMER IN HERE. OH, JUDY, JUDY... WHOSE IDEA WAS THIS, ANYWAY,

OH, JUDY, JUDY... WHOSE IDEA WAS THIS, ANYWAY, THIS DIVORCE?

WHOSE IDEA WAS THIS, ANYWAY, THIS DIVORCE? IT'S SUCH A STUPID THING.

THIS DIVORCE? IT'S SUCH A STUPID THING. WHOSE IDEA WAS IT IN THE FIRST

IT'S SUCH A STUPID THING. WHOSE IDEA WAS IT IN THE FIRST PLACE?

WHOSE IDEA WAS IT IN THE FIRST PLACE? I THINK IT WAS YOURS,

PLACE? I THINK IT WAS YOURS, GEORGE KIMBLE.

I THINK IT WAS YOURS, GEORGE KIMBLE. WELL, LET'S JUST PRETEND I

GEORGE KIMBLE. WELL, LET'S JUST PRETEND I NEVER THOUGHT OF SUCH A THING...

WELL, LET'S JUST PRETEND I NEVER THOUGHT OF SUCH A THING... MRS. KIMBLE.

NEVER THOUGHT OF SUCH A THING... MRS. KIMBLE. [GASPS]

MRS. KIMBLE. [GASPS] OH, GEORGE.

[GASPS] OH, GEORGE. JUDY.

OH, GEORGE. JUDY. OH, GEORGE.

JUDY. OH, GEORGE. OH, JUDY, JUDY.

OH, GEORGE. OH, JUDY, JUDY. OH, GEORGE!

OH, JUDY, JUDY. OH, GEORGE! JUDY.

OH, GEORGE! JUDY. GEORGE.

JUDY. GEORGE. OH, GEORGE!

GEORGE. OH, GEORGE! JUDY!

OH, GEORGE! JUDY! GEORGE!

JUDY! GEORGE! JUDY!

GEORGE! JUDY! GEORGE!

JUDY! GEORGE! JUDY!

GEORGE! JUDY! JU-JU-JU-JU-JU-JU-JU-JU!

JUDY! JU-JU-JU-JU-JU-JU-JU-JU! JU-JU-JU-JU-JU-JU-JUDY!

JU-JU-JU-JU-JU-JU-JU-JU! JU-JU-JU-JU-JU-JU-JUDY! JUDY! JUDY! JUDY! JUDY! JUDY!

JU-JU-JU-JU-JU-JU-JUDY! JUDY! JUDY! JUDY! JUDY! JUDY! JUDY! JUDY!

JUDY! JUDY! JUDY! JUDY! JUDY! JUDY! JUDY! JUDY...

WELL, MAYBE SOME THINGS SHOULDN'T BE ALLOWED TO BE SEEN. TUNE IN NEXT WEEK WHEN

SHOULDN'T BE ALLOWED TO BE SEEN. TUNE IN NEXT WEEK WHEN "THE HISTORY OF SEX IN CINEMA"

TUNE IN NEXT WEEK WHEN "THE HISTORY OF SEX IN CINEMA" BRINGS YOU THE OUTTAKES FROM

"THE HISTORY OF SEX IN CINEMA" BRINGS YOU THE OUTTAKES FROM "THE MIRACLE WORKER."

HELLO. WELCOME TO "3 R's," THE PROGRAM THAT IS FUNDED BY THE NEW YORK

WELCOME TO "3 R's," THE PROGRAM THAT IS FUNDED BY THE NEW YORK STATE BOARD OF REGENTS AND EVERY

THAT IS FUNDED BY THE NEW YORK STATE BOARD OF REGENTS AND EVERY WEEK EXAMINES ANOTHER ASPECT OF

STATE BOARD OF REGENTS AND EVERY WEEK EXAMINES ANOTHER ASPECT OF OUR EDUCATIONAL SYSTEM.

WEEK EXAMINES ANOTHER ASPECT OF OUR EDUCATIONAL SYSTEM. I'M JANE CURTIN, AND MY GUESTS

OUR EDUCATIONAL SYSTEM. I'M JANE CURTIN, AND MY GUESTS TONIGHT ARE MICHAEL MYKONOS AND

I'M JANE CURTIN, AND MY GUESTS TONIGHT ARE MICHAEL MYKONOS AND HIS DAUGHTER, COLLEEN.

TONIGHT ARE MICHAEL MYKONOS AND HIS DAUGHTER, COLLEEN. WELCOME.

HIS DAUGHTER, COLLEEN. WELCOME. [SPEAKING GREEK]

WELCOME. [SPEAKING GREEK] IT'S GREEK.

[SPEAKING GREEK] IT'S GREEK. VERY GOOD TO BE HERE.

IT'S GREEK. VERY GOOD TO BE HERE. VERY NICE TO BE HERE.

VERY GOOD TO BE HERE. VERY NICE TO BE HERE. VERY GOOD TO BE HERE.

VERY NICE TO BE HERE. VERY GOOD TO BE HERE. MR. MYKONOS HAS JUST FILED A

VERY GOOD TO BE HERE. MR. MYKONOS HAS JUST FILED A $10 MILLION LAWSUIT AGAINST THE

MR. MYKONOS HAS JUST FILED A $10 MILLION LAWSUIT AGAINST THE BOARD OF EDUCATION, CLAIMING

$10 MILLION LAWSUIT AGAINST THE BOARD OF EDUCATION, CLAIMING THAT COLLEEN ATTENDED A CITY

BOARD OF EDUCATION, CLAIMING THAT COLLEEN ATTENDED A CITY HIGH SCHOOL, GRADUATED, RECEIVED

THAT COLLEEN ATTENDED A CITY HIGH SCHOOL, GRADUATED, RECEIVED HER DIPLOMA, BUT CANNOT ENTER

HIGH SCHOOL, GRADUATED, RECEIVED HER DIPLOMA, BUT CANNOT ENTER COLLEGE BECAUSE TESTS SHOW THAT

HER DIPLOMA, BUT CANNOT ENTER COLLEGE BECAUSE TESTS SHOW THAT SHE'S ILLITERATE.

COLLEGE BECAUSE TESTS SHOW THAT SHE'S ILLITERATE. IS THAT RIGHT, MR. MYKONOS?

SHE'S ILLITERATE. IS THAT RIGHT, MR. MYKONOS? WE ARE A SIMPLE PEOPLE, YOU

IS THAT RIGHT, MR. MYKONOS? WE ARE A SIMPLE PEOPLE, YOU KNOW?

WE ARE A SIMPLE PEOPLE, YOU KNOW? WE ARE 100% GREEK.

KNOW? WE ARE 100% GREEK. 100%.

WE ARE 100% GREEK. 100%. I RUN A LUNCHEONETTE CALLED

100%. I RUN A LUNCHEONETTE CALLED EAT GOOD FOOD LUNCHEONETTE.

I RUN A LUNCHEONETTE CALLED EAT GOOD FOOD LUNCHEONETTE. WE HAVE VERY GOOD STRAWBERRY

EAT GOOD FOOD LUNCHEONETTE. WE HAVE VERY GOOD STRAWBERRY PIE.

WE HAVE VERY GOOD STRAWBERRY PIE. YOU EAT THERE?

PIE. YOU EAT THERE? OH, NO.

YOU EAT THERE? OH, NO. EH, YOU CHEAP...

OH, NO. EH, YOU CHEAP... ANYWAY, YOU KNOW, MY WIFE, SHE

EH, YOU CHEAP... ANYWAY, YOU KNOW, MY WIFE, SHE DIED, YOU KNOW?

ANYWAY, YOU KNOW, MY WIFE, SHE DIED, YOU KNOW? AND COLLEEN, I WANTED HER TO GO

DIED, YOU KNOW? AND COLLEEN, I WANTED HER TO GO TO COLLEGE, YOU KNOW?

AND COLLEEN, I WANTED HER TO GO TO COLLEGE, YOU KNOW? I WON'T LIVE FOREVER.

TO COLLEGE, YOU KNOW? I WON'T LIVE FOREVER. MAYBE I DIE SOON.

I WON'T LIVE FOREVER. MAYBE I DIE SOON. HOW SHE GONNA TAKE CARE OF

MAYBE I DIE SOON. HOW SHE GONNA TAKE CARE OF HERSELF SHE CAN'T READ, HUH?

HOW SHE GONNA TAKE CARE OF HERSELF SHE CAN'T READ, HUH? HOW AM I GONNA DIE IN PEACE,

HERSELF SHE CAN'T READ, HUH? HOW AM I GONNA DIE IN PEACE, HUH?

HOW AM I GONNA DIE IN PEACE, HUH? BUT, PAPA...

HUH? BUT, PAPA... SHUT UP!

BUT, PAPA... SHUT UP! WHAT SCHOOL DID YOU GRADUATE

SHUT UP! WHAT SCHOOL DID YOU GRADUATE FROM, COLLEEN?

WHAT SCHOOL DID YOU GRADUATE FROM, COLLEEN? T.S. 187.

FROM, COLLEEN? T.S. 187. T.S.

T.S. 187. T.S. YOU SAID "T.S."!

T.S. YOU SAID "T.S."! YOU KNOW, SHE'S SO STUPID, SHE

YOU SAID "T.S."! YOU KNOW, SHE'S SO STUPID, SHE DON'T DO NO LETTERS.

YOU KNOW, SHE'S SO STUPID, SHE DON'T DO NO LETTERS. WHEN DO I GET MY MONEY?

DON'T DO NO LETTERS. WHEN DO I GET MY MONEY? THIS SOUNDS SO AMAZING TO ME,

WHEN DO I GET MY MONEY? THIS SOUNDS SO AMAZING TO ME, CONSIDERING ALL THE TESTS THAT

THIS SOUNDS SO AMAZING TO ME, CONSIDERING ALL THE TESTS THAT ARE DONE IN SCHOOL, THAT THIS

CONSIDERING ALL THE TESTS THAT ARE DONE IN SCHOOL, THAT THIS CONDITION WAS NOT DETECTED UNTIL

ARE DONE IN SCHOOL, THAT THIS CONDITION WAS NOT DETECTED UNTIL NOW.

CONDITION WAS NOT DETECTED UNTIL NOW. MY DAUGHTER WROTE A BOOK ALL

NOW. MY DAUGHTER WROTE A BOOK ALL ABOUT IT.

MY DAUGHTER WROTE A BOOK ALL ABOUT IT. SHE WROTE A BOOK ABOUT IT.

ABOUT IT. SHE WROTE A BOOK ABOUT IT. IT'S CALLED "MY EXPERIENCES AS

SHE WROTE A BOOK ABOUT IT. IT'S CALLED "MY EXPERIENCES AS AN ILLITERATE."

IT'S CALLED "MY EXPERIENCES AS AN ILLITERATE." UH, WHAT'S THAT TITLE AGAIN?

AN ILLITERATE." UH, WHAT'S THAT TITLE AGAIN? IT'S "MY EXPERIENCE"...

UH, WHAT'S THAT TITLE AGAIN? IT'S "MY EXPERIENCE"... SEE, SHE'S SO STUPID!

IT'S "MY EXPERIENCE"... SEE, SHE'S SO STUPID! AAH!

SEE, SHE'S SO STUPID! AAH! LOOK WHAT YOU WRITE HERE!

AAH! LOOK WHAT YOU WRITE HERE! WHEN DO I GET MY MONEY, EH?

LOOK WHAT YOU WRITE HERE! WHEN DO I GET MY MONEY, EH? I WANT MY MONEY.

WHEN DO I GET MY MONEY, EH? I WANT MY MONEY. THAT'S ALL I ASK FOR.

I WANT MY MONEY. THAT'S ALL I ASK FOR. I'M VERY SIMPLE.

THAT'S ALL I ASK FOR. I'M VERY SIMPLE. I WANT MY MONEY.

I'M VERY SIMPLE. I WANT MY MONEY. THIS IS SO INCREDIBLY SAD.

I WANT MY MONEY. THIS IS SO INCREDIBLY SAD. DID COLLEEN SUFFER ANY EMOTIONAL

THIS IS SO INCREDIBLY SAD. DID COLLEEN SUFFER ANY EMOTIONAL STRAIN DUE TO HER CONDITION?

DID COLLEEN SUFFER ANY EMOTIONAL STRAIN DUE TO HER CONDITION? DID THE CHILDREN TEASE HER OR

STRAIN DUE TO HER CONDITION? DID THE CHILDREN TEASE HER OR MAKE FUN OF HER?

DID THE CHILDREN TEASE HER OR MAKE FUN OF HER? SURE, ALL THE TIME.

MAKE FUN OF HER? SURE, ALL THE TIME. ALL THE TIME.

SURE, ALL THE TIME. ALL THE TIME. YEAH, SURE, THEY CALL HER NAMES,

ALL THE TIME. YEAH, SURE, THEY CALL HER NAMES, SHE STAY ALL BY HERSELF ALL

YEAH, SURE, THEY CALL HER NAMES, SHE STAY ALL BY HERSELF ALL SUMMER.

SHE STAY ALL BY HERSELF ALL SUMMER. SHE COMES HOME, SHE WORKS EVERY

SUMMER. SHE COMES HOME, SHE WORKS EVERY DAY, AND SHE GOES TO BED, AND

SHE COMES HOME, SHE WORKS EVERY DAY, AND SHE GOES TO BED, AND SHE READS AN M&M.

DAY, AND SHE GOES TO BED, AND SHE READS AN M&M. YOU KNOW?

SHE READS AN M&M. YOU KNOW? AND IT'S ALL IN THE BOOK.

YOU KNOW? AND IT'S ALL IN THE BOOK. IT'S ON PAGE 1.

AND IT'S ALL IN THE BOOK. IT'S ON PAGE 1. YOU KNOW "ONE" IN GREEK?

IT'S ON PAGE 1. YOU KNOW "ONE" IN GREEK? PAGE 1.

YOU KNOW "ONE" IN GREEK? PAGE 1. ALL THE PAGES ARE "1."

PAGE 1. ALL THE PAGES ARE "1." AH, IT'S THE LAST PAGE... 1B.

ALL THE PAGES ARE "1." AH, IT'S THE LAST PAGE... 1B. SHE'S SO STUPID!

AH, IT'S THE LAST PAGE... 1B. SHE'S SO STUPID! OH, PAPA!

SHE'S SO STUPID! OH, PAPA! I CAN'T TAKE THIS ANYMORE!

OH, PAPA! I CAN'T TAKE THIS ANYMORE! MY FATHER'S A CROOK AND A FRAUD.

I CAN'T TAKE THIS ANYMORE! MY FATHER'S A CROOK AND A FRAUD. HE PUT ME UP TO THIS SO HE COULD

MY FATHER'S A CROOK AND A FRAUD. HE PUT ME UP TO THIS SO HE COULD GET THE MONEY.

HE PUT ME UP TO THIS SO HE COULD GET THE MONEY. HE REALLY DID, AND I'M SORRY.

GET THE MONEY. HE REALLY DID, AND I'M SORRY. HIS LUNCHEONETTE WAS GOING DOWN

HE REALLY DID, AND I'M SORRY. HIS LUNCHEONETTE WAS GOING DOWN THE TUBES, AND HE MADE ME DO

HIS LUNCHEONETTE WAS GOING DOWN THE TUBES, AND HE MADE ME DO THIS, AND I APOLOGIZE TO YOU AND

THE TUBES, AND HE MADE ME DO THIS, AND I APOLOGIZE TO YOU AND YOUR AUDIENCE.

THIS, AND I APOLOGIZE TO YOU AND YOUR AUDIENCE. NEVER TALK WITH DISRESPECT TO

YOUR AUDIENCE. NEVER TALK WITH DISRESPECT TO YOUR FATHER ON MY SHOW!

NEVER TALK WITH DISRESPECT TO YOUR FATHER ON MY SHOW! OHH! WHAT ARE YOU...

YOUR FATHER ON MY SHOW! OHH! WHAT ARE YOU... OH, YOU POOR MAN.

OHH! WHAT ARE YOU... OH, YOU POOR MAN. GOOD LUCK WITH YOUR CASE, AND I

OH, YOU POOR MAN. GOOD LUCK WITH YOUR CASE, AND I CERTAINLY HOPE YOU WIN.

GOOD LUCK WITH YOUR CASE, AND I CERTAINLY HOPE YOU WIN. THAT'S RIGHT.

CERTAINLY HOPE YOU WIN. THAT'S RIGHT. TUNE IN NEXT WEEK WHEN MY

THAT'S RIGHT. TUNE IN NEXT WEEK WHEN MY GUEST WILL BE A GROWN MAN WHO

TUNE IN NEXT WEEK WHEN MY GUEST WILL BE A GROWN MAN WHO STILL USES THE WORD "TARDY."

GUEST WILL BE A GROWN MAN WHO STILL USES THE WORD "TARDY." GOOD NIGHT.

Announcer: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THE STORY OF "H." IT ALL STARTED WITH MY

GENTLEMEN, THE STORY OF "H." IT ALL STARTED WITH MY PARENTS, GRACE AND GLENN HEFNER,

IT ALL STARTED WITH MY PARENTS, GRACE AND GLENN HEFNER, HARDWORKING FARM PEOPLE FROM

PARENTS, GRACE AND GLENN HEFNER, HARDWORKING FARM PEOPLE FROM NEBRASKA, WITH A STRONG SENSE OF

HARDWORKING FARM PEOPLE FROM NEBRASKA, WITH A STRONG SENSE OF RIGHT AND WRONG.

NEBRASKA, WITH A STRONG SENSE OF RIGHT AND WRONG. THANKS TO THEM, I GOT A GOOD

RIGHT AND WRONG. THANKS TO THEM, I GOT A GOOD START IN LIFE.

THANKS TO THEM, I GOT A GOOD START IN LIFE. EVEN AS A YOUNG MAN, I TRIED TO

START IN LIFE. EVEN AS A YOUNG MAN, I TRIED TO DO THE RIGHT THING.

EVEN AS A YOUNG MAN, I TRIED TO DO THE RIGHT THING. I SERVED MY COUNTRY.

DO THE RIGHT THING. I SERVED MY COUNTRY. I TOOK A WIFE.

I SERVED MY COUNTRY. I TOOK A WIFE. THEN THINGS STARTED TO GO WRONG.

I TOOK A WIFE. THEN THINGS STARTED TO GO WRONG. I YIELDED TO TEMPTATION WITHOUT

THEN THINGS STARTED TO GO WRONG. I YIELDED TO TEMPTATION WITHOUT REALIZING WHERE IT WOULD LEAD.

I YIELDED TO TEMPTATION WITHOUT REALIZING WHERE IT WOULD LEAD. ♪ VENUS, IF YOU WILL ♪

REALIZING WHERE IT WOULD LEAD. ♪ VENUS, IF YOU WILL ♪ ALL I WANTED WAS A PLAIN,

♪ VENUS, IF YOU WILL ♪ ALL I WANTED WAS A PLAIN, ORDINARY GIRL NEXT DOOR.

ALL I WANTED WAS A PLAIN, ORDINARY GIRL NEXT DOOR. BUT, NO.

ORDINARY GIRL NEXT DOOR. BUT, NO. EVEN THIS WAS DENIED ME.

BUT, NO. EVEN THIS WAS DENIED ME. ♪ GIRL WITH ALL THE CHARM ♪

EVEN THIS WAS DENIED ME. ♪ GIRL WITH ALL THE CHARM ♪ ♪ WELL, LONG TALL SALLY SHE'S

♪ GIRL WITH ALL THE CHARM ♪ ♪ WELL, LONG TALL SALLY SHE'S BUILT FOR SPEED, SHE GOT

♪ WELL, LONG TALL SALLY SHE'S BUILT FOR SPEED, SHE GOT EVERYTHING THAT UNCLE JOHN

BUILT FOR SPEED, SHE GOT EVERYTHING THAT UNCLE JOHN NEED ♪

EVERYTHING THAT UNCLE JOHN NEED ♪ ♪ OH, BABY ♪

NEED ♪ ♪ OH, BABY ♪ ♪ YEAH, BABY ♪

♪ OH, BABY ♪ ♪ YEAH, BABY ♪ ♪ WHOO-OOH-OOH ♪

♪ YEAH, BABY ♪ ♪ WHOO-OOH-OOH ♪ ♪ BABY ♪

♪ WHOO-OOH-OOH ♪ ♪ BABY ♪ ♪ HAVIN' ME SOME FUN TONIGHT ♪

♪ BABY ♪ ♪ HAVIN' ME SOME FUN TONIGHT ♪ ♪ YEAH ♪

♪ HAVIN' ME SOME FUN TONIGHT ♪ ♪ YEAH ♪ HELLO, THERE.

♪ YEAH ♪ HELLO, THERE. GLAD YOU COULD JOIN US THIS

HELLO, THERE. GLAD YOU COULD JOIN US THIS EVENING.

GLAD YOU COULD JOIN US THIS EVENING. I'M HUGH HEFNER,

EVENING. I'M HUGH HEFNER, EDITOR/PUBLISHER OF PLAYBOY

I'M HUGH HEFNER, EDITOR/PUBLISHER OF PLAYBOY MAGAZINE AND YOUR HOST.

EDITOR/PUBLISHER OF PLAYBOY MAGAZINE AND YOUR HOST. ♪ PLEASE ALLOW ME TO

MAGAZINE AND YOUR HOST. ♪ PLEASE ALLOW ME TO INTRODUCE MYSELF ♪

♪ PLEASE ALLOW ME TO INTRODUCE MYSELF ♪ ♪ I'M A MAN OF WEALTH AND

INTRODUCE MYSELF ♪ ♪ I'M A MAN OF WEALTH AND TASTE ♪

♪ I'M A MAN OF WEALTH AND TASTE ♪ I SHOULD HAVE BEEN LEFT ALONE

TASTE ♪ I SHOULD HAVE BEEN LEFT ALONE WITH MY SHAME, BUT I WAS LURED

I SHOULD HAVE BEEN LEFT ALONE WITH MY SHAME, BUT I WAS LURED INTO THE LIMELIGHT, CONFUSED,

WITH MY SHAME, BUT I WAS LURED INTO THE LIMELIGHT, CONFUSED, SAYING ANYTHING THAT CAME INTO

INTO THE LIMELIGHT, CONFUSED, SAYING ANYTHING THAT CAME INTO MY HEAD.

SAYING ANYTHING THAT CAME INTO MY HEAD. I THINK WE SHOULD HAVE A MUCH

MY HEAD. I THINK WE SHOULD HAVE A MUCH MORE LIBERAL, MORE PERMISSIVE

I THINK WE SHOULD HAVE A MUCH MORE LIBERAL, MORE PERMISSIVE ATTITUDE AND LIFESTYLES, AND

MORE LIBERAL, MORE PERMISSIVE ATTITUDE AND LIFESTYLES, AND THAT'S PART OF WHAT PLAYBOY'S

ATTITUDE AND LIFESTYLES, AND THAT'S PART OF WHAT PLAYBOY'S BEEN ALL ABOUT.

THAT'S PART OF WHAT PLAYBOY'S BEEN ALL ABOUT. LIBERTINES AND HIPPIES WERE

BEEN ALL ABOUT. LIBERTINES AND HIPPIES WERE TAKING OVER.

LIBERTINES AND HIPPIES WERE TAKING OVER. AND I WAS DUPED INTO GIVING THEM

TAKING OVER. AND I WAS DUPED INTO GIVING THEM A FORUM FOR THEIR VIEWS.

AND I WAS DUPED INTO GIVING THEM A FORUM FOR THEIR VIEWS. ♪ GROUND CONTROL TO

A FORUM FOR THEIR VIEWS. ♪ GROUND CONTROL TO MAJOR TOM ♪

♪ GROUND CONTROL TO MAJOR TOM ♪ I WAS GOING MAD.

MAJOR TOM ♪ I WAS GOING MAD. I DESPERATELY NEEDED TO ESCAPE.

I WAS GOING MAD. I DESPERATELY NEEDED TO ESCAPE. ♪ GROUND CONTROL TO

I DESPERATELY NEEDED TO ESCAPE. ♪ GROUND CONTROL TO MAJOR TOM ♪

♪ GROUND CONTROL TO MAJOR TOM ♪ BUT EVERY TIME I FLEW, I GOT

MAJOR TOM ♪ BUT EVERY TIME I FLEW, I GOT AIRSICK.

BUT EVERY TIME I FLEW, I GOT AIRSICK. I COULD STAND IT NO LONGER.

AIRSICK. I COULD STAND IT NO LONGER. I HAD TO FIND A MORE WHOLESOME

I COULD STAND IT NO LONGER. I HAD TO FIND A MORE WHOLESOME ENVIRONMENT.

I HAD TO FIND A MORE WHOLESOME ENVIRONMENT. I MOVED TO HOLLYWOOD.

ENVIRONMENT. I MOVED TO HOLLYWOOD. ♪ FOUR THAT WANNA OWN ME ♪

I MOVED TO HOLLYWOOD. ♪ FOUR THAT WANNA OWN ME ♪ ♪ TWO THAT WANNA STONE ME ♪

♪ FOUR THAT WANNA OWN ME ♪ ♪ TWO THAT WANNA STONE ME ♪ ♪ ONE SAYS SHE'S A FRIEND OF

♪ TWO THAT WANNA STONE ME ♪ ♪ ONE SAYS SHE'S A FRIEND OF MINE ♪

♪ ONE SAYS SHE'S A FRIEND OF MINE ♪ ♪ I SHOULD GO TO BED ♪

MINE ♪ ♪ I SHOULD GO TO BED ♪ I WAS MISERABLE.

♪ I SHOULD GO TO BED ♪ I WAS MISERABLE. I WANTED SOLITUDE, BUT THE

I WAS MISERABLE. I WANTED SOLITUDE, BUT THE PARTIES NEVER STOPPED.

I WANTED SOLITUDE, BUT THE PARTIES NEVER STOPPED. I WAS ONLY AT EASE WITH THOSE

PARTIES NEVER STOPPED. I WAS ONLY AT EASE WITH THOSE WHO HAD NEVER READ MY MAGAZINE.

I WAS ONLY AT EASE WITH THOSE WHO HAD NEVER READ MY MAGAZINE. ♪ TO SAY THE THINGS

WHO HAD NEVER READ MY MAGAZINE. ♪ TO SAY THE THINGS HE TRULY FEELS ♪

♪ TO SAY THE THINGS HE TRULY FEELS ♪ I KNOW IT'S TOO LATE TO

HE TRULY FEELS ♪ I KNOW IT'S TOO LATE TO CHANGE MY LIFE...

I KNOW IT'S TOO LATE TO CHANGE MY LIFE... BUT IF SEEING THIS FILM CAN SAVE

CHANGE MY LIFE... BUT IF SEEING THIS FILM CAN SAVE EVEN ONE OF YOU FROM A SIMILAR

BUT IF SEEING THIS FILM CAN SAVE EVEN ONE OF YOU FROM A SIMILAR FATE...

EVEN ONE OF YOU FROM A SIMILAR FATE... THEN MAYBE...

FATE... THEN MAYBE... JUST MAYBE...

THEN MAYBE... JUST MAYBE... IT WAS WORTH IT.

JUST MAYBE... IT WAS WORTH IT. ♪ AND DID IT MY WAY ♪

IT WAS WORTH IT. ♪ AND DID IT MY WAY ♪ [APPLAUSE]

Announcer: ATHENS IN THE YEAR 400 B.C., THE CRADLE OF WESTERN CIVILIZATION AND THE BIRTHPLACE

400 B.C., THE CRADLE OF WESTERN CIVILIZATION AND THE BIRTHPLACE OF...

CIVILIZATION AND THE BIRTHPLACE OF... EACH DAY, THE WISE MEN AND YOUTH

OF... EACH DAY, THE WISE MEN AND YOUTH OF THE CITY WOULD GATHER IN THE

EACH DAY, THE WISE MEN AND YOUTH OF THE CITY WOULD GATHER IN THE MARKETPLACE TO ASK QUESTIONS OF

OF THE CITY WOULD GATHER IN THE MARKETPLACE TO ASK QUESTIONS OF THE PHILOSOPHERS AND TO LEARN AT

MARKETPLACE TO ASK QUESTIONS OF THE PHILOSOPHERS AND TO LEARN AT THE FEET OF THE ONE THEY CALLED

THE PHILOSOPHERS AND TO LEARN AT THE FEET OF THE ONE THEY CALLED HEF.

THE FEET OF THE ONE THEY CALLED HEF. IF YOU RECALL, FRIENDS,

HEF. IF YOU RECALL, FRIENDS, YESTERDAY WE SPOKE OF THE IDEAL

IF YOU RECALL, FRIENDS, YESTERDAY WE SPOKE OF THE IDEAL LIFE.

YESTERDAY WE SPOKE OF THE IDEAL LIFE. HOW SHOULD A MAN LIVE?

LIFE. HOW SHOULD A MAN LIVE? MY ANSWER, SIMPLY, KNOW THYSELF.

HOW SHOULD A MAN LIVE? MY ANSWER, SIMPLY, KNOW THYSELF. A WISE THOUGHT, SOCRATES.

MY ANSWER, SIMPLY, KNOW THYSELF. A WISE THOUGHT, SOCRATES. AND I SAID THAT A MAN OUGHT TO

A WISE THOUGHT, SOCRATES. AND I SAID THAT A MAN OUGHT TO LEAD A JUST LIFE, A LIFE OF

AND I SAID THAT A MAN OUGHT TO LEAD A JUST LIFE, A LIFE OF HARMONY.

LEAD A JUST LIFE, A LIFE OF HARMONY. MMM, WELL SPOKEN, PLATO.

HARMONY. MMM, WELL SPOKEN, PLATO. BUT WHAT SAY YOU, HEF, YOU WHO

MMM, WELL SPOKEN, PLATO. BUT WHAT SAY YOU, HEF, YOU WHO HAVE TRAVELED WISELY AND HAVE

BUT WHAT SAY YOU, HEF, YOU WHO HAVE TRAVELED WISELY AND HAVE VISITED ALL THE TOPLESS RESORTS?

HAVE TRAVELED WISELY AND HAVE VISITED ALL THE TOPLESS RESORTS? HOW SHOULD A MAN LIVE?

VISITED ALL THE TOPLESS RESORTS? HOW SHOULD A MAN LIVE? AH, BUT LET US DEFINE OUR

HOW SHOULD A MAN LIVE? AH, BUT LET US DEFINE OUR TERMS.

AH, BUT LET US DEFINE OUR TERMS. TELL ME, PLATO, WHAT IS A MAN?

TERMS. TELL ME, PLATO, WHAT IS A MAN? A CREATURE OF DESIRE, OF

TELL ME, PLATO, WHAT IS A MAN? A CREATURE OF DESIRE, OF COURAGE AND REASON?

A CREATURE OF DESIRE, OF COURAGE AND REASON? YES, OF COURSE.

COURAGE AND REASON? YES, OF COURSE. MM-HMM.

YES, OF COURSE. MM-HMM. THEN WHY IS A MAN DIFFERENT

MM-HMM. THEN WHY IS A MAN DIFFERENT FROM THE BEASTS?

THEN WHY IS A MAN DIFFERENT FROM THE BEASTS? THE LION HAS COURAGE.

FROM THE BEASTS? THE LION HAS COURAGE. BUT DOES THE LION DECORATE HIS

THE LION HAS COURAGE. BUT DOES THE LION DECORATE HIS CAVE...

BUT DOES THE LION DECORATE HIS CAVE... WITH A LEATHER BEDSPREAD AND

CAVE... WITH A LEATHER BEDSPREAD AND SHAG CARPETING?

WITH A LEATHER BEDSPREAD AND SHAG CARPETING? MNH-MNH, NO.

SHAG CARPETING? MNH-MNH, NO. AND DOES THE FOX CHOOSE THE

MNH-MNH, NO. AND DOES THE FOX CHOOSE THE AFTERSHAVE LOTION THAT IS RIGHT

AND DOES THE FOX CHOOSE THE AFTERSHAVE LOTION THAT IS RIGHT FOR HIM?

AFTERSHAVE LOTION THAT IS RIGHT FOR HIM? AHH, I SEE, I SEE.

FOR HIM? AHH, I SEE, I SEE. THE MAN IS THE ONLY CREATURE WHO

AHH, I SEE, I SEE. THE MAN IS THE ONLY CREATURE WHO CAN ENJOY A SENSUAL AND

THE MAN IS THE ONLY CREATURE WHO CAN ENJOY A SENSUAL AND UNINHIBITED LIFESTYLE AND LIVE

CAN ENJOY A SENSUAL AND UNINHIBITED LIFESTYLE AND LIVE FREE AND WORK HARD.

UNINHIBITED LIFESTYLE AND LIVE FREE AND WORK HARD. HABEO SCENTUM SUM, ERGO

FREE AND WORK HARD. HABEO SCENTUM SUM, ERGO SUM... I HAVE MY OWN SCENT,

HABEO SCENTUM SUM, ERGO SUM... I HAVE MY OWN SCENT, THEREFORE I AM.

SUM... I HAVE MY OWN SCENT, THEREFORE I AM. YES.

THEREFORE I AM. YES. AH, ONCE AGAIN, HEF, YOU HAVE

YES. AH, ONCE AGAIN, HEF, YOU HAVE PROVEN YOURSELF THE WISEST AND

AH, ONCE AGAIN, HEF, YOU HAVE PROVEN YOURSELF THE WISEST AND MOST SWINGING OF THE GREEKS.

PROVEN YOURSELF THE WISEST AND MOST SWINGING OF THE GREEKS. BUT ANSWER THIS, IF YOU CAN.

MOST SWINGING OF THE GREEKS. BUT ANSWER THIS, IF YOU CAN. "ONE NIGHT LAST WEEK, FOLLOWING

BUT ANSWER THIS, IF YOU CAN. "ONE NIGHT LAST WEEK, FOLLOWING A DELICIOUS DINNER OF MOUSSAKA

"ONE NIGHT LAST WEEK, FOLLOWING A DELICIOUS DINNER OF MOUSSAKA AND WHITE WINE, I WAS STARTLED

A DELICIOUS DINNER OF MOUSSAKA AND WHITE WINE, I WAS STARTLED TO HEAR THE YOUNG LADY I WAS

AND WHITE WINE, I WAS STARTLED TO HEAR THE YOUNG LADY I WAS ENTERTAINING ASK IF I HAD A

TO HEAR THE YOUNG LADY I WAS ENTERTAINING ASK IF I HAD A BOTTLE OF OUZO.

ENTERTAINING ASK IF I HAD A BOTTLE OF OUZO. JUST WHAT IS OUZO, ANYWAY, AND

BOTTLE OF OUZO. JUST WHAT IS OUZO, ANYWAY, AND WHERE CAN I BUY IT?"

JUST WHAT IS OUZO, ANYWAY, AND WHERE CAN I BUY IT?" WELL, THIS IS, INDEED, A

WHERE CAN I BUY IT?" WELL, THIS IS, INDEED, A DIFFICULT RIDDLE.

WELL, THIS IS, INDEED, A DIFFICULT RIDDLE. NOW HERE'S ONE FOR YOU.

DIFFICULT RIDDLE. NOW HERE'S ONE FOR YOU. HOW MANY OF YOU CAN SPOT THE

NOW HERE'S ONE FOR YOU. HOW MANY OF YOU CAN SPOT THE RABBIT ON THIS VASE?

HOW MANY OF YOU CAN SPOT THE RABBIT ON THIS VASE? AH.

RABBIT ON THIS VASE? AH. MNH-MNH-MNH!

AH. MNH-MNH-MNH! MNH!

MNH-MNH-MNH! MNH! YOU ARE FAR TOO SLY FOR US, HEF.

MNH! YOU ARE FAR TOO SLY FOR US, HEF. CLEARLY, YOU HAVE NO EQUAL IN

YOU ARE FAR TOO SLY FOR US, HEF. CLEARLY, YOU HAVE NO EQUAL IN THE FIELD OF SOPHISTICATED MEN'S

CLEARLY, YOU HAVE NO EQUAL IN THE FIELD OF SOPHISTICATED MEN'S ENTERTAINMENT.

THE FIELD OF SOPHISTICATED MEN'S ENTERTAINMENT. BUT WE HAVE HAD ENOUGH FOR

ENTERTAINMENT. BUT WE HAVE HAD ENOUGH FOR TODAY.

BUT WE HAVE HAD ENOUGH FOR TODAY. SHALL WE GO TO MY HOUSE?

TODAY. SHALL WE GO TO MY HOUSE? THE SAUNA IS WORKING NOW.

SHALL WE GO TO MY HOUSE? THE SAUNA IS WORKING NOW. YES, LET'S GO.

THE SAUNA IS WORKING NOW. YES, LET'S GO. YOU TWO GO WITHOUT ME.

YES, LET'S GO. YOU TWO GO WITHOUT ME. I... I MUST STAY HERE AND SIT

YOU TWO GO WITHOUT ME. I... I MUST STAY HERE AND SIT AND PONDER THE ULTIMATE

I... I MUST STAY HERE AND SIT AND PONDER THE ULTIMATE QUESTION.

AND PONDER THE ULTIMATE QUESTION. AW, GIVE UP, HEF.

QUESTION. AW, GIVE UP, HEF. NIGHT AFTER NIGHT, YOU BROOD

AW, GIVE UP, HEF. NIGHT AFTER NIGHT, YOU BROOD OVER THE SAME QUESTION.

NIGHT AFTER NIGHT, YOU BROOD OVER THE SAME QUESTION. COME WITH US.

OVER THE SAME QUESTION. COME WITH US. WE'LL HAVE A DRINK AT THE

COME WITH US. WE'LL HAVE A DRINK AT THE PLAYBOY FORUM.

WE'LL HAVE A DRINK AT THE PLAYBOY FORUM. NO, LEAVE ME NOW.

PLAYBOY FORUM. NO, LEAVE ME NOW. I'LL JOIN YOU LATER.

NO, LEAVE ME NOW. I'LL JOIN YOU LATER. I'LL LEAVE YOU TO YOUR

I'LL JOIN YOU LATER. I'LL LEAVE YOU TO YOUR THOUGHTS.

I'LL LEAVE YOU TO YOUR THOUGHTS. TO GO PINK OR NOT TO GO PINK.

[ORGAN MUSIC PLAYS] AND SO, UPON THIS GRIEVOUS OCCASION, BECAUSE WE AT THE

AND SO, UPON THIS GRIEVOUS OCCASION, BECAUSE WE AT THE HOLSE AND PLAYFAIR FUNERAL HOME

OCCASION, BECAUSE WE AT THE HOLSE AND PLAYFAIR FUNERAL HOME DID NOT REALLY KNOW

HOLSE AND PLAYFAIR FUNERAL HOME DID NOT REALLY KNOW JONATHAN GILSRACK, WE'VE CALLED

DID NOT REALLY KNOW JONATHAN GILSRACK, WE'VE CALLED UPON HIS CLOSEST FRIEND IN LIFE

JONATHAN GILSRACK, WE'VE CALLED UPON HIS CLOSEST FRIEND IN LIFE TO DELIVER THE EULOGY,

UPON HIS CLOSEST FRIEND IN LIFE TO DELIVER THE EULOGY, HARTLEY RAYMOND.

TO DELIVER THE EULOGY, HARTLEY RAYMOND. HARTLEY?

HARTLEY RAYMOND. HARTLEY? THANK YOU, JOHN HOLSE.

HARTLEY? THANK YOU, JOHN HOLSE. HELLO, EVERYBODY, I'M

THANK YOU, JOHN HOLSE. HELLO, EVERYBODY, I'M HARTLEY RAYMOND.

HELLO, EVERYBODY, I'M HARTLEY RAYMOND. I'M SORRY WE ALL HAD TO MEET

HARTLEY RAYMOND. I'M SORRY WE ALL HAD TO MEET UNDER THESE CIRCUMSTANCES, BUT

I'M SORRY WE ALL HAD TO MEET UNDER THESE CIRCUMSTANCES, BUT THAT IS LIFE...

UNDER THESE CIRCUMSTANCES, BUT THAT IS LIFE... AND DEATH, TOO, HUH?

THAT IS LIFE... AND DEATH, TOO, HUH? YOU KNOW, I DON'T LIKE SEEING

AND DEATH, TOO, HUH? YOU KNOW, I DON'T LIKE SEEING EVERYONE SO DOWN.

YOU KNOW, I DON'T LIKE SEEING EVERYONE SO DOWN. JONATHAN WOULDN'T HAVE WANTED IT

EVERYONE SO DOWN. JONATHAN WOULDN'T HAVE WANTED IT THIS WAY.

JONATHAN WOULDN'T HAVE WANTED IT THIS WAY. YOU KNOW, TO JONATHAN, LIFE WAS

THIS WAY. YOU KNOW, TO JONATHAN, LIFE WAS A PARTY.

YOU KNOW, TO JONATHAN, LIFE WAS A PARTY. THINK OF A WORD THAT DESCRIBES

A PARTY. THINK OF A WORD THAT DESCRIBES JONATHAN.

THINK OF A WORD THAT DESCRIBES JONATHAN. GO AHEAD.

JONATHAN. GO AHEAD. EVERYBODY, THINK OF A WORD.

GO AHEAD. EVERYBODY, THINK OF A WORD. ALL RIGHT, HAVE YOU GOT IT?

EVERYBODY, THINK OF A WORD. ALL RIGHT, HAVE YOU GOT IT? HOW MANY PEOPLE WERE THINKING

ALL RIGHT, HAVE YOU GOT IT? HOW MANY PEOPLE WERE THINKING "TERRIFIC"?

HOW MANY PEOPLE WERE THINKING "TERRIFIC"? HANDS?

"TERRIFIC"? HANDS? FOUR OUT OF NINE.

HANDS? FOUR OUT OF NINE. ALMOST HALF OF YOU WERE THINKING

FOUR OUT OF NINE. ALMOST HALF OF YOU WERE THINKING THAT JONATHAN WAS TERRIFIC.

ALMOST HALF OF YOU WERE THINKING THAT JONATHAN WAS TERRIFIC. [CRYING]

THAT JONATHAN WAS TERRIFIC. [CRYING] OH, PLEASE DON'T CRY,

[CRYING] OH, PLEASE DON'T CRY, MRS. GILSRACK.

OH, PLEASE DON'T CRY, MRS. GILSRACK. I HATE TO SEE YOU CRY.

MRS. GILSRACK. I HATE TO SEE YOU CRY. COME ON.

I HATE TO SEE YOU CRY. COME ON. COME ON, LIGHTEN UP A LITTLE.

COME ON. COME ON, LIGHTEN UP A LITTLE. YOU KNOW WHAT?

COME ON, LIGHTEN UP A LITTLE. YOU KNOW WHAT? ON ARRIVING HERE TODAY, I SAW

YOU KNOW WHAT? ON ARRIVING HERE TODAY, I SAW THIS BEAUTIFUL WREATH OF

ON ARRIVING HERE TODAY, I SAW THIS BEAUTIFUL WREATH OF FLOWERS.

THIS BEAUTIFUL WREATH OF FLOWERS. I FELT BETTER JUST LOOKING AT

FLOWERS. I FELT BETTER JUST LOOKING AT THEM.

I FELT BETTER JUST LOOKING AT THEM. AND I SAID TO MYSELF, "YOU KNOW,

THEM. AND I SAID TO MYSELF, "YOU KNOW, GOSH, THEY'RE BEAUTIFUL."

AND I SAID TO MYSELF, "YOU KNOW, GOSH, THEY'RE BEAUTIFUL." THEY LOOK JUST LIKE THE ONES I

GOSH, THEY'RE BEAUTIFUL." THEY LOOK JUST LIKE THE ONES I HAVE RIGHT HERE.

THEY LOOK JUST LIKE THE ONES I HAVE RIGHT HERE. HOW ABOUT THAT?

HAVE RIGHT HERE. HOW ABOUT THAT? [ORGAN PLAYS]

HOW ABOUT THAT? [ORGAN PLAYS] THEY'RE FOR YOU.

[ORGAN PLAYS] THEY'RE FOR YOU. TAKE THEM BECAUSE YOU'RE PRETTY

THEY'RE FOR YOU. TAKE THEM BECAUSE YOU'RE PRETTY AND BEAUTIFUL, OKAY?

TAKE THEM BECAUSE YOU'RE PRETTY AND BEAUTIFUL, OKAY? A LITTLE HOCUS-POCUS, BUT WHAT

AND BEAUTIFUL, OKAY? A LITTLE HOCUS-POCUS, BUT WHAT IS LIFE BUT AN ILLUSION, HUH?

A LITTLE HOCUS-POCUS, BUT WHAT IS LIFE BUT AN ILLUSION, HUH? NOW, I'M JUST TRYING TO CHEER

IS LIFE BUT AN ILLUSION, HUH? NOW, I'M JUST TRYING TO CHEER EVERYBODY UP A LITTLE BIT, AND

NOW, I'M JUST TRYING TO CHEER EVERYBODY UP A LITTLE BIT, AND I'M GONNA KEEP TRYING, BUT I'M

EVERYBODY UP A LITTLE BIT, AND I'M GONNA KEEP TRYING, BUT I'M GONNA NEED A VOLUNTEER FROM THE

I'M GONNA KEEP TRYING, BUT I'M GONNA NEED A VOLUNTEER FROM THE MOURNERS TO STEP UP AND HELP ME.

GONNA NEED A VOLUNTEER FROM THE MOURNERS TO STEP UP AND HELP ME. NOW, HOW ABOUT THIS PRETTY GIRL

MOURNERS TO STEP UP AND HELP ME. NOW, HOW ABOUT THIS PRETTY GIRL RIGHT HERE, THE WIDOW GILSRACK?

NOW, HOW ABOUT THIS PRETTY GIRL RIGHT HERE, THE WIDOW GILSRACK? NO, NO.

RIGHT HERE, THE WIDOW GILSRACK? NO, NO. OH, COME ON, DON'T BE SHY.

NO, NO. OH, COME ON, DON'T BE SHY. MAYBE IF WE GIVE HER A HAND,

OH, COME ON, DON'T BE SHY. MAYBE IF WE GIVE HER A HAND, SHE'LL COME UP.

MAYBE IF WE GIVE HER A HAND, SHE'LL COME UP. COME ON.

SHE'LL COME UP. COME ON. LET'S HEAR IT FOR HER!

COME ON. LET'S HEAR IT FOR HER! COME ON!

LET'S HEAR IT FOR HER! COME ON! IS SHE MARVELOUS?!

COME ON! IS SHE MARVELOUS?! COME ON UP, MRS. GILSRACK!

IS SHE MARVELOUS?! COME ON UP, MRS. GILSRACK! COME ON!

COME ON UP, MRS. GILSRACK! COME ON! YOU'RE TERRIFIC.

COME ON! YOU'RE TERRIFIC. THANK YOU.

YOU'RE TERRIFIC. THANK YOU. NOW, WE'VE NEVER MET BEFORE IN

THANK YOU. NOW, WE'VE NEVER MET BEFORE IN OUR LIVES, HAVE WE?

NOW, WE'VE NEVER MET BEFORE IN OUR LIVES, HAVE WE? WHAT DO YOU MEAN, HARTLEY?

OUR LIVES, HAVE WE? WHAT DO YOU MEAN, HARTLEY? NO, OF COURSE WE HAVE.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN, HARTLEY? NO, OF COURSE WE HAVE. I'M JUST KIDDING.

NO, OF COURSE WE HAVE. I'M JUST KIDDING. GOOD.

I'M JUST KIDDING. GOOD. I THINK WE'RE GONNA SUCCEED.

GOOD. I THINK WE'RE GONNA SUCCEED. NOW, DO YOU BELIEVE IN SPIRITS?

I THINK WE'RE GONNA SUCCEED. NOW, DO YOU BELIEVE IN SPIRITS? OH, WELL, I DON'T KNOW.

NOW, DO YOU BELIEVE IN SPIRITS? OH, WELL, I DON'T KNOW. BE HONEST.

OH, WELL, I DON'T KNOW. BE HONEST. I... I DON'T KNOW.

BE HONEST. I... I DON'T KNOW. OH, ALL RIGHT, Shh, Shh.

I... I DON'T KNOW. OH, ALL RIGHT, Shh, Shh. ALL RIGHT, ON MY WAY OVER HERE,

OH, ALL RIGHT, Shh, Shh. ALL RIGHT, ON MY WAY OVER HERE, I HAD THE MOST RIDICULOUS

ALL RIGHT, ON MY WAY OVER HERE, I HAD THE MOST RIDICULOUS THOUGHT.

I HAD THE MOST RIDICULOUS THOUGHT. TYPICAL... RIDICULOUS.

THOUGHT. TYPICAL... RIDICULOUS. I THOUGHT, "WHAT IF THE SPIRITS

TYPICAL... RIDICULOUS. I THOUGHT, "WHAT IF THE SPIRITS REALLY DID SPEAK FROM THE

I THOUGHT, "WHAT IF THE SPIRITS REALLY DID SPEAK FROM THE BEYOND?"

REALLY DID SPEAK FROM THE BEYOND?" A LITTLE MUSIC, PROFESSOR,

BEYOND?" A LITTLE MUSIC, PROFESSOR, PLEASE.

A LITTLE MUSIC, PROFESSOR, PLEASE. [ORGAN PLAYS]

PLEASE. [ORGAN PLAYS] NOW I'VE GOT HERE AN ORDINARY

[ORGAN PLAYS] NOW I'VE GOT HERE AN ORDINARY PACK OF PLAYING CARDS.

NOW I'VE GOT HERE AN ORDINARY PACK OF PLAYING CARDS. NOW, THERE'S NOTHING UP MY

PACK OF PLAYING CARDS. NOW, THERE'S NOTHING UP MY SLEEVES, AND I'M GONNA PROVE

NOW, THERE'S NOTHING UP MY SLEEVES, AND I'M GONNA PROVE THAT THE SPIRITS CAN TALK AND

SLEEVES, AND I'M GONNA PROVE THAT THE SPIRITS CAN TALK AND HOPEFULLY JONATHAN WILL HELP US

THAT THE SPIRITS CAN TALK AND HOPEFULLY JONATHAN WILL HELP US OUT A LITTLE BIT.

HOPEFULLY JONATHAN WILL HELP US OUT A LITTLE BIT. NOW GO AHEAD... PICK A CARD.

OUT A LITTLE BIT. NOW GO AHEAD... PICK A CARD. HEY, NOW, WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH

NOW GO AHEAD... PICK A CARD. HEY, NOW, WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU, GARY?

HEY, NOW, WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU, GARY? HEY, NOW, DID YOU WANT TO BE MY

YOU, GARY? HEY, NOW, DID YOU WANT TO BE MY LITTLE ASSISTANT, TOO?

HEY, NOW, DID YOU WANT TO BE MY LITTLE ASSISTANT, TOO? YOU KNUCKLEHEAD, YOU WANT TO BE

LITTLE ASSISTANT, TOO? YOU KNUCKLEHEAD, YOU WANT TO BE MY ASSISTANT?

YOU KNUCKLEHEAD, YOU WANT TO BE MY ASSISTANT? COME ON UP HERE!

MY ASSISTANT? COME ON UP HERE! I'M GONNA NEED TWO ASSISTANTS.

COME ON UP HERE! I'M GONNA NEED TWO ASSISTANTS. GET UP HERE, GARY.

I'M GONNA NEED TWO ASSISTANTS. GET UP HERE, GARY. OKAY, NOW YOU CAN HOLD THE DECK.

GET UP HERE, GARY. OKAY, NOW YOU CAN HOLD THE DECK. HERE, YOU HOLD THE DECK.

OKAY, NOW YOU CAN HOLD THE DECK. HERE, YOU HOLD THE DECK. ALL RIGHT, NOW, WHEN I SAY GO, I

HERE, YOU HOLD THE DECK. ALL RIGHT, NOW, WHEN I SAY GO, I WANT YOU TO LEAD THE

ALL RIGHT, NOW, WHEN I SAY GO, I WANT YOU TO LEAD THE CONGREGATION IN SAYING, "YES,

WANT YOU TO LEAD THE CONGREGATION IN SAYING, "YES, THE SPIRITS CAN TALK."

CONGREGATION IN SAYING, "YES, THE SPIRITS CAN TALK." WILL YOU DO THAT FOR ME, GARY?

THE SPIRITS CAN TALK." WILL YOU DO THAT FOR ME, GARY? OKAY.

WILL YOU DO THAT FOR ME, GARY? OKAY. MRS. GILSRACK, HAVE YOU STILL

OKAY. MRS. GILSRACK, HAVE YOU STILL GOT THE CARD?

MRS. GILSRACK, HAVE YOU STILL GOT THE CARD? YES, I...

GOT THE CARD? YES, I... FABULOUS.

YES, I... FABULOUS. OKAY, GARY, YOU KNOW WHAT TO DO?

FABULOUS. OKAY, GARY, YOU KNOW WHAT TO DO? TERRIFIC. OKAY.

OKAY, GARY, YOU KNOW WHAT TO DO? TERRIFIC. OKAY. ARE YOU READY?

TERRIFIC. OKAY. ARE YOU READY? GARY.

ARE YOU READY? GARY. YES, THE SPIRITS CAN TALK.

GARY. YES, THE SPIRITS CAN TALK. COME ON... EVERYBODY NOW.

YES, THE SPIRITS CAN TALK. COME ON... EVERYBODY NOW. COME ON.

COME ON... EVERYBODY NOW. COME ON. OH, COME ON!

COME ON. OH, COME ON! YOU COULDN'T RAISE A FLAG, LET

OH, COME ON! YOU COULDN'T RAISE A FLAG, LET ALONE THE DEAD!

YOU COULDN'T RAISE A FLAG, LET ALONE THE DEAD! NOW, COME ON! LET'S HEAR IT!

ALONE THE DEAD! NOW, COME ON! LET'S HEAR IT! THE SPIRITS CAN TALK!

NOW, COME ON! LET'S HEAR IT! THE SPIRITS CAN TALK! ALL RIGHT, NOW, JONATHAN, WHAT'S

THE SPIRITS CAN TALK! ALL RIGHT, NOW, JONATHAN, WHAT'S THE CARD?

ALL RIGHT, NOW, JONATHAN, WHAT'S THE CARD? WHAT?

THE CARD? WHAT? HE SAYS HE LOVES THE SERVICE!

WHAT? HE SAYS HE LOVES THE SERVICE! CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS GUY?

HE SAYS HE LOVES THE SERVICE! CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS GUY? GET OUT OF HERE!

CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS GUY? GET OUT OF HERE! WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?

GET OUT OF HERE! WHAT ARE YOU SAYING? HE WON'T TELL ME!

WHAT ARE YOU SAYING? HE WON'T TELL ME! JONATHAN!

HE WON'T TELL ME! JONATHAN! TELL ME WHAT THE CARD IS!

JONATHAN! TELL ME WHAT THE CARD IS! TELL HIM, JONATHAN!

TELL ME WHAT THE CARD IS! TELL HIM, JONATHAN! WHAT?

TELL HIM, JONATHAN! WHAT? ALL RIGHT, JONATHAN.

WHAT? ALL RIGHT, JONATHAN. JONATHAN HAS TOLD ME THAT YOUR

ALL RIGHT, JONATHAN. JONATHAN HAS TOLD ME THAT YOUR CARD IS THE 9 OF DIAMONDS.

JONATHAN HAS TOLD ME THAT YOUR CARD IS THE 9 OF DIAMONDS. IS THAT CORRECT?

CARD IS THE 9 OF DIAMONDS. IS THAT CORRECT? THE 9 OF DIAMONDS.

IS THAT CORRECT? THE 9 OF DIAMONDS. NO, IT'S THE 7 OF SPADES.

THE 9 OF DIAMONDS. NO, IT'S THE 7 OF SPADES. WHAT?

NO, IT'S THE 7 OF SPADES. WHAT? IT'S THE 7 OF SPADES.

WHAT? IT'S THE 7 OF SPADES. [SIGHS]

IT'S THE 7 OF SPADES. [SIGHS] A MISERABLE MISTAKE.

[SIGHS] A MISERABLE MISTAKE. WELL, I GUESS THE DEAD STAY

A MISERABLE MISTAKE. WELL, I GUESS THE DEAD STAY WHERE THEY ARE... DEAD.

WELL, I GUESS THE DEAD STAY WHERE THEY ARE... DEAD. [CRYING]

WHERE THEY ARE... DEAD. [CRYING] NO, WAIT.

[CRYING] NO, WAIT. WHAT'S THAT?

NO, WAIT. WHAT'S THAT? WHAT DO YOU SAY, JONATHAN?

WHAT'S THAT? WHAT DO YOU SAY, JONATHAN? WHAT?!

WHAT DO YOU SAY, JONATHAN? WHAT?! LOOK IN HIS POCKET?

WHAT?! LOOK IN HIS POCKET? WELL, ALL RIGHT, IF YOU SAY SO.

LOOK IN HIS POCKET? WELL, ALL RIGHT, IF YOU SAY SO. THE 7 OF SPADES, EVERYBODY!

WELL, ALL RIGHT, IF YOU SAY SO. THE 7 OF SPADES, EVERYBODY! COME ON.

THE 7 OF SPADES, EVERYBODY! COME ON. THANK YOU, THANK YOU.

COME ON. THANK YOU, THANK YOU. THANKS FOR... WEREN'T THEY

THANK YOU, THANK YOU. THANKS FOR... WEREN'T THEY TERRIFIC FOR HELPING?

THANKS FOR... WEREN'T THEY TERRIFIC FOR HELPING? GARY, YOU WERE TERRIFIC FOR

TERRIFIC FOR HELPING? GARY, YOU WERE TERRIFIC FOR HELPING OUT.

GARY, YOU WERE TERRIFIC FOR HELPING OUT. TERRIFIC.

HELPING OUT. TERRIFIC. I'M GONNA NEED THIS DECK.

TERRIFIC. I'M GONNA NEED THIS DECK. THANK YOU.

I'M GONNA NEED THIS DECK. THANK YOU. TERRIFIC.

THANK YOU. TERRIFIC. NOW, MY NEXT TRICK IS A SPECIAL

TERRIFIC. NOW, MY NEXT TRICK IS A SPECIAL TRIBUTE TO THE DECEASED AND,

NOW, MY NEXT TRICK IS A SPECIAL TRIBUTE TO THE DECEASED AND, FOR THAT, I'M GONNA BRING BACK

TRIBUTE TO THE DECEASED AND, FOR THAT, I'M GONNA BRING BACK MR. JOHN HOLSE.

FOR THAT, I'M GONNA BRING BACK MR. JOHN HOLSE. JOHN?

MR. JOHN HOLSE. JOHN? NOW, AS YOU CAN SEE, THIS CASKET

JOHN? NOW, AS YOU CAN SEE, THIS CASKET IS A SOLID WOOD CASKET WITH NO

NOW, AS YOU CAN SEE, THIS CASKET IS A SOLID WOOD CASKET WITH NO TRAP DOORS.

IS A SOLID WOOD CASKET WITH NO TRAP DOORS. TELL THEM ABOUT IT, JOHN, WOULD

TRAP DOORS. TELL THEM ABOUT IT, JOHN, WOULD YOU, PLEASE?

TELL THEM ABOUT IT, JOHN, WOULD YOU, PLEASE? HE'S LYING IN A

YOU, PLEASE? HE'S LYING IN A HOLSE AND PLAYFAIR'S EXCLUSIVE

HE'S LYING IN A HOLSE AND PLAYFAIR'S EXCLUSIVE DRY WEIGHT EARTHMASTER CASKET.

HOLSE AND PLAYFAIR'S EXCLUSIVE DRY WEIGHT EARTHMASTER CASKET. IT'S A FULL MAHOGANY BOX WITH A

DRY WEIGHT EARTHMASTER CASKET. IT'S A FULL MAHOGANY BOX WITH A FLANNEL COVERING AND THREE FULL

IT'S A FULL MAHOGANY BOX WITH A FLANNEL COVERING AND THREE FULL INCHES OF VINYL TEFLAC SEALANT

FLANNEL COVERING AND THREE FULL INCHES OF VINYL TEFLAC SEALANT TO PROTECT YOUR LOVED ONES FROM

INCHES OF VINYL TEFLAC SEALANT TO PROTECT YOUR LOVED ONES FROM WEATHERING, MOISTURE, AND

TO PROTECT YOUR LOVED ONES FROM WEATHERING, MOISTURE, AND INSECTS FOR 99 YEARS.

WEATHERING, MOISTURE, AND INSECTS FOR 99 YEARS. ANOTHER THICK, STRONG CASKET

INSECTS FOR 99 YEARS. ANOTHER THICK, STRONG CASKET FROM THE PEOPLE AT EARTHMASTER.

ANOTHER THICK, STRONG CASKET FROM THE PEOPLE AT EARTHMASTER. OKAY, EVERYTHING ALL RIGHT IN

FROM THE PEOPLE AT EARTHMASTER. OKAY, EVERYTHING ALL RIGHT IN THERE, JONATHAN?

OKAY, EVERYTHING ALL RIGHT IN THERE, JONATHAN? "S'ALRIGHT!"

THERE, JONATHAN? "S'ALRIGHT!" GET OUT OF HERE, YOU NUT!

"S'ALRIGHT!" GET OUT OF HERE, YOU NUT! OKAY, NOW THIS IS A TRICK FIRST

GET OUT OF HERE, YOU NUT! OKAY, NOW THIS IS A TRICK FIRST DESIGNED BY THE FAMOUS FRENCH

OKAY, NOW THIS IS A TRICK FIRST DESIGNED BY THE FAMOUS FRENCH PSYCHOLOGIST, DR. EMILE QUAY.

DESIGNED BY THE FAMOUS FRENCH PSYCHOLOGIST, DR. EMILE QUAY. THE GOOD DOCTOR WAS ONCE QUOTED

PSYCHOLOGIST, DR. EMILE QUAY. THE GOOD DOCTOR WAS ONCE QUOTED AS SAYING, "DEAD MEN FEEL NO

THE GOOD DOCTOR WAS ONCE QUOTED AS SAYING, "DEAD MEN FEEL NO PAIN."

AS SAYING, "DEAD MEN FEEL NO PAIN." LET'S HOPE THE GOOD DOCTOR WAS

PAIN." LET'S HOPE THE GOOD DOCTOR WAS RIGHT.

LET'S HOPE THE GOOD DOCTOR WAS RIGHT. [SUSPENSEFUL ORGAN MUSIC

RIGHT. [SUSPENSEFUL ORGAN MUSIC PLAYS]

[SUSPENSEFUL ORGAN MUSIC PLAYS] [GASPS]

[PLAYS] [GASPS] OH, MY GOD!

[GRUNTING] [APPLAUSE] NOW THE HARD PART!

DON'T BLINK YOUR EYES OR YOU'LL MISS JONATHAN GILSRACK! 1, 2, 3!

MISS JONATHAN GILSRACK! 1, 2, 3! THERE HE IS!

1, 2, 3! THERE HE IS! [APPLAUSE]

THERE HE IS! [APPLAUSE] THANK YOU.

[APPLAUSE] THANK YOU. THAT DIDN'T HURT A BIT, DID IT,

THANK YOU. THAT DIDN'T HURT A BIT, DID IT, JONATHAN?

THAT DIDN'T HURT A BIT, DID IT, JONATHAN? HE'S A GOOD SPORT, ISN'T HE?

JONATHAN? HE'S A GOOD SPORT, ISN'T HE? HE'S TERRIFIC.

HE'S A GOOD SPORT, ISN'T HE? HE'S TERRIFIC. THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

HE'S TERRIFIC. THANK YOU VERY MUCH. JOHN HOLSE, LADIES AND

THANK YOU VERY MUCH. JOHN HOLSE, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

JOHN HOLSE, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN. THANK YOU.

GENTLEMEN. THANK YOU. [APPLAUSE]

THANK YOU. [APPLAUSE] WELL, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

[APPLAUSE] WELL, THANK YOU VERY MUCH. I HOPE YOU HAD A LITTLE BIT OF

WELL, THANK YOU VERY MUCH. I HOPE YOU HAD A LITTLE BIT OF SUNSHINE PUT INTO YOUR DAY.

I HOPE YOU HAD A LITTLE BIT OF SUNSHINE PUT INTO YOUR DAY. LOOK, WHEN YOU'RE LEAVING, DRIVE

SUNSHINE PUT INTO YOUR DAY. LOOK, WHEN YOU'RE LEAVING, DRIVE CAREFULLY, AND IF YOU DON'T HAVE

LOOK, WHEN YOU'RE LEAVING, DRIVE CAREFULLY, AND IF YOU DON'T HAVE A CAR AND YOU'RE WALKING, WATCH

CAREFULLY, AND IF YOU DON'T HAVE A CAR AND YOU'RE WALKING, WATCH OUT FOR THE RAIN.

A CAR AND YOU'RE WALKING, WATCH OUT FOR THE RAIN. BUT JUST REMEMBER THAT...

OUT FOR THE RAIN. BUT JUST REMEMBER THAT... ♪ GRAY SKIES ARE GONNA CLEAR

BUT JUST REMEMBER THAT... ♪ GRAY SKIES ARE GONNA CLEAR UP ♪

♪ GRAY SKIES ARE GONNA CLEAR UP ♪ COME ON, YOU KNOW THE WORDS.

UP ♪ COME ON, YOU KNOW THE WORDS. ♪ PUT ON A HAPPY FACE ♪

COME ON, YOU KNOW THE WORDS. ♪ PUT ON A HAPPY FACE ♪ YOU KNOW THE WORDS, GARY!

♪ PUT ON A HAPPY FACE ♪ YOU KNOW THE WORDS, GARY! ♪ WIPE OFF THAT FROWN AND CHEER

YOU KNOW THE WORDS, GARY! ♪ WIPE OFF THAT FROWN AND CHEER UP ♪

♪ WIPE OFF THAT FROWN AND CHEER UP ♪ ♪ PUT ON A HAPPY FACE ♪

UP ♪ ♪ PUT ON A HAPPY FACE ♪ ♪ AND SPREAD SUNSHINE ALL OVER

♪ PUT ON A HAPPY FACE ♪ ♪ AND SPREAD SUNSHINE ALL OVER THE PLACE ♪

♪ AND SPREAD SUNSHINE ALL OVER THE PLACE ♪ COME ON, JOHNNY!

THE PLACE ♪ COME ON, JOHNNY! ♪ JUST PUT ON A HAPPY FACE ♪

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, ANDY KAUFMAN. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

ANDY KAUFMAN. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] [UP-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYS]

♪ O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-K- LAHOMA, WHERE THE WIND COMES SWEEPING DOWN THE PLAIN ♪

LAHOMA, WHERE THE WIND COMES SWEEPING DOWN THE PLAIN ♪ ♪ AND THE WAVING WHEAT

SWEEPING DOWN THE PLAIN ♪ ♪ AND THE WAVING WHEAT CAN SURE SMELL SWEET ♪

♪ AND THE WAVING WHEAT CAN SURE SMELL SWEET ♪ ♪ AS THE WIND COMES RIGHT BEHIND

CAN SURE SMELL SWEET ♪ ♪ AS THE WIND COMES RIGHT BEHIND THE RAIN ♪

♪ AS THE WIND COMES RIGHT BEHIND THE RAIN ♪ ♪ O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-K-

THE RAIN ♪ ♪ O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-K- LAHOMA, EVERY NIGHT MY HONEY

♪ O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-K- LAHOMA, EVERY NIGHT MY HONEY LAMB AND I ♪

LAHOMA, EVERY NIGHT MY HONEY LAMB AND I ♪ ♪ SIT ALONE AND TALK

LAMB AND I ♪ ♪ SIT ALONE AND TALK AND WATCH A HAWK ♪

♪ SIT ALONE AND TALK AND WATCH A HAWK ♪ ♪ MAKIN' LAZY CIRCLES IN THE

AND WATCH A HAWK ♪ ♪ MAKIN' LAZY CIRCLES IN THE SKY ♪

♪ MAKIN' LAZY CIRCLES IN THE SKY ♪ ♪ WE KNOW WE BELONG TO THE

SKY ♪ ♪ WE KNOW WE BELONG TO THE LAND ♪

♪ WE KNOW WE BELONG TO THE LAND ♪ ♪ AND THE LAND WE BELONG TO

LAND ♪ ♪ AND THE LAND WE BELONG TO IS GRAND ♪

♪ AND THE LAND WE BELONG TO IS GRAND ♪ ♪ SO WHEN WE SAY

IS GRAND ♪ ♪ SO WHEN WE SAY YEEOW! AYIPIOEEAY! ♪

♪ SO WHEN WE SAY YEEOW! AYIPIOEEAY! ♪ HO!

YEEOW! AYIPIOEEAY! ♪ HO! ♪ WE'RE ONLY SAYIN' YOU'RE DOIN'

HO! ♪ WE'RE ONLY SAYIN' YOU'RE DOIN' FINE, OKLAHOMA ♪

♪ WE'RE ONLY SAYIN' YOU'RE DOIN' FINE, OKLAHOMA ♪ ♪ OKLAHOMA ♪

FINE, OKLAHOMA ♪ ♪ OKLAHOMA ♪ ♪ O.K. ♪

♪ OKLAHOMA ♪ ♪ O.K. ♪ [INSTRUMENTAL SOLO]

♪ SAY YEEOW! AYIPIOEEAY! ♪ HO! ♪ WE'RE ONLY SAYIN' YOU'RE DOIN'

HO! ♪ WE'RE ONLY SAYIN' YOU'RE DOIN' FINE, OKLAHOMA ♪

♪ WE'RE ONLY SAYIN' YOU'RE DOIN' FINE, OKLAHOMA ♪ ♪ OKLAHOMA ♪

FINE, OKLAHOMA ♪ ♪ OKLAHOMA ♪ ♪ O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A ♪

♪ OKLAHOMA ♪ ♪ O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A ♪ ♪ OKLAHO-O-O-O-O-O-MA! ♪

♪ O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A ♪ ♪ OKLAHO-O-O-O-O-O-MA! ♪ YO!

♪ OKLAHO-O-O-O-O-O-MA! ♪ YO! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

THANK YOU VERY MUCH. [PIANO PLAYS] ♪ OH, THE COW GOES MOO ♪

[PIANO PLAYS] ♪ OH, THE COW GOES MOO ♪ ♪ AND THE BIRD GOES TWEET ♪

♪ OH, THE COW GOES MOO ♪ ♪ AND THE BIRD GOES TWEET ♪ ♪ AND THE DOG GOES WOOF ♪

♪ AND THE BIRD GOES TWEET ♪ ♪ AND THE DOG GOES WOOF ♪ ♪ AND THE CAT GOES MEOW ♪

♪ AND THE DOG GOES WOOF ♪ ♪ AND THE CAT GOES MEOW ♪ ♪ AND THE PIG GOES OINK ♪

♪ AND THE CAT GOES MEOW ♪ ♪ AND THE PIG GOES OINK ♪ ♪ AND THE LION GOES ROAR! ♪

♪ AND THE PIG GOES OINK ♪ ♪ AND THE LION GOES ROAR! ♪ ♪ AND THAT'S THE WAY IT GOES ♪

♪ AND THE LION GOES ROAR! ♪ ♪ AND THAT'S THE WAY IT GOES ♪ SAY, I'VE GOT AN IDEA.

♪ AND THAT'S THE WAY IT GOES ♪ SAY, I'VE GOT AN IDEA. LET'S ALL SING THE SONG

SAY, I'VE GOT AN IDEA. LET'S ALL SING THE SONG TOGETHER, OKAY?

LET'S ALL SING THE SONG TOGETHER, OKAY? OKAY?

TOGETHER, OKAY? OKAY? EVERY TIME I SAY "OKAY,"

OKAY? EVERY TIME I SAY "OKAY," EVERYBODY SAY, "OKAY."

EVERY TIME I SAY "OKAY," EVERYBODY SAY, "OKAY." OKAY?

EVERYBODY SAY, "OKAY." OKAY? All: OKAY!

OKAY? All: OKAY! OKAY.

All: OKAY! OKAY. All: OKAY.

OKAY. All: OKAY. OKAY.

All: OKAY. OKAY. All: OKAY.

OKAY. All: OKAY. OKAY.

All: OKAY. OKAY. All: OKAY.

OKAY. All: OKAY. OKAY, NOW WHEN...

All: OKAY. OKAY, NOW WHEN... All: OKAY.

OKAY, NOW WHEN... All: OKAY. OKAY.

All: OKAY. OKAY. All: OKAY.

OKAY. All: OKAY. OH, OKAY.

All: OKAY. OH, OKAY. All: OKAY.

OH, OKAY. All: OKAY. NOW, WHEN WE GET TO THE LION,

All: OKAY. NOW, WHEN WE GET TO THE LION, EVERYBODY SAY, "ROAR!" REAL,

NOW, WHEN WE GET TO THE LION, EVERYBODY SAY, "ROAR!" REAL, REAL LOUD.

EVERYBODY SAY, "ROAR!" REAL, REAL LOUD. LET'S TRY IT.

REAL LOUD. LET'S TRY IT. 1, 2, 3.

LET'S TRY IT. 1, 2, 3. All: [Weakly] ROAR!

1, 2, 3. All: [Weakly] ROAR! OH, COME ON, NOW.

All: [Weakly] ROAR! OH, COME ON, NOW. YOU COULD DO BETTER THAN THAT.

OH, COME ON, NOW. YOU COULD DO BETTER THAN THAT. 1, 2, 3!

YOU COULD DO BETTER THAN THAT. 1, 2, 3! All: ROAR!

1, 2, 3! All: ROAR! VERY GOOD.

All: ROAR! VERY GOOD. AND WE'LL ALL SING

VERY GOOD. AND WE'LL ALL SING "AND THAT'S THE WAY IT GOES"

AND WE'LL ALL SING "AND THAT'S THE WAY IT GOES" TOGETHER, OKAY?

"AND THAT'S THE WAY IT GOES" TOGETHER, OKAY? All: OKAY.

TOGETHER, OKAY? All: OKAY. OKAY.

All: OKAY. OKAY. All: OKAY.

OKAY. All: OKAY. [PIANO PLAYS]

All: OKAY. [PIANO PLAYS] ♪ OH, THE COW GOES... ♪

[PIANO PLAYS] ♪ OH, THE COW GOES... ♪ All: [Weakly] MOO.

♪ OH, THE COW GOES... ♪ All: [Weakly] MOO. OH, COME ON, NOW.

All: [Weakly] MOO. OH, COME ON, NOW. OH... COME ON, EVERYBODY!

OH, COME ON, NOW. OH... COME ON, EVERYBODY! ♪ OH, THE COW GOES... ♪

OH... COME ON, EVERYBODY! ♪ OH, THE COW GOES... ♪ All: MOO!

♪ OH, THE COW GOES... ♪ All: MOO! ♪ AND THE DOG GOES... ♪

All: MOO! ♪ AND THE DOG GOES... ♪ All: WOOF!

♪ AND THE DOG GOES... ♪ All: WOOF! ♪ AND THE CAT GOES... ♪

All: WOOF! ♪ AND THE CAT GOES... ♪ All: MEOW!

♪ AND THE CAT GOES... ♪ All: MEOW! ♪ AND THE BIRD GOES... ♪

All: MEOW! ♪ AND THE BIRD GOES... ♪ All: TWEET!

♪ AND THE BIRD GOES... ♪ All: TWEET! ♪ AND THE PIG GOES... ♪

All: TWEET! ♪ AND THE PIG GOES... ♪ All: OINK!

♪ AND THE PIG GOES... ♪ All: OINK! ♪ AND THE LION GOES... ♪

All: OINK! ♪ AND THE LION GOES... ♪ All: ROAR!

♪ AND THE LION GOES... ♪ All: ROAR! ♪ AND THAT'S THE WAY IT

All: ROAR! ♪ AND THAT'S THE WAY IT GOES ♪

♪ AND THAT'S THE WAY IT GOES ♪ [APPLAUSE]

GOES ♪ [APPLAUSE] [UP-TEMPO ROCK MUSIC PLAYS]

[APPLAUSE] [UP-TEMPO ROCK MUSIC PLAYS] [CHEERING]

♪ OH, OH ♪ ♪ I LOVE YOU SO ♪ ♪ OH, OH ♪

♪ I LOVE YOU SO ♪ ♪ OH, OH ♪ ♪ I CAN'T LET YOU GO ♪

♪ OH, OH ♪ ♪ I CAN'T LET YOU GO ♪ ♪ OOH, OOH ♪

♪ I CAN'T LET YOU GO ♪ ♪ OOH, OOH ♪ ♪ DON'T TELL ME NO ♪

♪ OOH, OOH ♪ ♪ DON'T TELL ME NO ♪ ♪ I NEED YOUR LOVE TONIGHT ♪

♪ DON'T TELL ME NO ♪ ♪ I NEED YOUR LOVE TONIGHT ♪ ♪ OH, GEE,

♪ I NEED YOUR LOVE TONIGHT ♪ ♪ OH, GEE, THE WAY YOU KISS ♪

♪ OH, GEE, THE WAY YOU KISS ♪ ♪ SWEETIE,

THE WAY YOU KISS ♪ ♪ SWEETIE, TOO GOOD TO MISS ♪

♪ SWEETIE, TOO GOOD TO MISS ♪ ♪ WOW-WHEE,

TOO GOOD TO MISS ♪ ♪ WOW-WHEE, I WANT MORE OF THIS ♪

♪ WOW-WHEE, I WANT MORE OF THIS ♪ ♪ I NEED YOUR LOVE TONIGHT ♪

I WANT MORE OF THIS ♪ ♪ I NEED YOUR LOVE TONIGHT ♪ ♪ I'VE BEEN WAITING JUST FOR

♪ I NEED YOUR LOVE TONIGHT ♪ ♪ I'VE BEEN WAITING JUST FOR TONIGHT ♪

♪ I'VE BEEN WAITING JUST FOR TONIGHT ♪ ♪ TO DO SOME LOVIN' AND HOLD YOU

TONIGHT ♪ ♪ TO DO SOME LOVIN' AND HOLD YOU TIGHT ♪

♪ TO DO SOME LOVIN' AND HOLD YOU TIGHT ♪ ♪ DON'T TELL ME, BABY, YOU GOTTA

TIGHT ♪ ♪ DON'T TELL ME, BABY, YOU GOTTA GO ♪

♪ DON'T TELL ME, BABY, YOU GOTTA GO ♪ ♪ I GOT THE HI-FI HIGH AND THE

GO ♪ ♪ I GOT THE HI-FI HIGH AND THE LIGHTS DOWN LOW ♪

♪ I GOT THE HI-FI HIGH AND THE LIGHTS DOWN LOW ♪ ♪ HEY, NOW,

LIGHTS DOWN LOW ♪ ♪ HEY, NOW, HEAR WHAT I SAY ♪

♪ HEY, NOW, HEAR WHAT I SAY ♪ ♪ OH, WOW,

HEAR WHAT I SAY ♪ ♪ OH, WOW, YOU BETTER STAY ♪

♪ OH, WOW, YOU BETTER STAY ♪ ♪ POW POW,

YOU BETTER STAY ♪ ♪ POW POW, DON'T RUN AWAY ♪

♪ POW POW, DON'T RUN AWAY ♪ ♪ I NEED YOUR LOVE TONIGHT ♪

DON'T RUN AWAY ♪ ♪ I NEED YOUR LOVE TONIGHT ♪ ALL RIGHT!

♪ I NEED YOUR LOVE TONIGHT ♪ ALL RIGHT! [GUITAR SOLO]

ALL RIGHT! [GUITAR SOLO] ♪ I NEED YOUR LOVE TONIGHT ♪

[GUITAR SOLO] ♪ I NEED YOUR LOVE TONIGHT ♪ ♪ OH, OH ♪

♪ I NEED YOUR LOVE TONIGHT ♪ ♪ OH, OH ♪ ♪ I LOVE YOU SO ♪

♪ OH, OH ♪ ♪ I LOVE YOU SO ♪ ♪ OH, OH ♪

♪ I LOVE YOU SO ♪ ♪ OH, OH ♪ ♪ I CAN'T LET YOU GO ♪

♪ OH, OH ♪ ♪ I CAN'T LET YOU GO ♪ ♪ OOH, OOH ♪

♪ I CAN'T LET YOU GO ♪ ♪ OOH, OOH ♪ ♪ DON'T TELL ME NO ♪

♪ OOH, OOH ♪ ♪ DON'T TELL ME NO ♪ ♪ I NEED YOUR LOVE TONIGHT ♪

♪ DON'T TELL ME NO ♪ ♪ I NEED YOUR LOVE TONIGHT ♪ ♪ I NEED YOUR LOVE TONIGHT ♪

♪ I NEED YOUR LOVE TONIGHT ♪ ♪ I NEED YOUR LOVE TONIGHT ♪ ♪ I NEED YOUR LOVE TONIGHT ♪

♪ I NEED YOUR LOVE TONIGHT ♪ ♪ I NEED YOUR LOVE TONIGHT ♪ ♪ I NEED YOUR LOVE TONIGHT ♪

♪ I NEED YOUR LOVE TONIGHT ♪ ♪ I NEED YOUR LOVE TONIGHT ♪ [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

[COUGHING, LAUGHING] LARRY, I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHAT WE'RE DOING HERE AT THE

LARRY, I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHAT WE'RE DOING HERE AT THE PLAYBOY CLUB.

WHAT WE'RE DOING HERE AT THE PLAYBOY CLUB. I MEAN, IF YOU WANTED TO MAKE

PLAYBOY CLUB. I MEAN, IF YOU WANTED TO MAKE LOVE, ALL YOU HAD TO DO WAS ASK.

I MEAN, IF YOU WANTED TO MAKE LOVE, ALL YOU HAD TO DO WAS ASK. LISTEN, BOBBI, THE POINT OF

LOVE, ALL YOU HAD TO DO WAS ASK. LISTEN, BOBBI, THE POINT OF THIS PLACE ISN'T SEX, IT'S

LISTEN, BOBBI, THE POINT OF THIS PLACE ISN'T SEX, IT'S ENTERTAINMENT.

THIS PLACE ISN'T SEX, IT'S ENTERTAINMENT. MRS. FARBER, HE'S ABSOLUTELY

ENTERTAINMENT. MRS. FARBER, HE'S ABSOLUTELY RIGHT.

MRS. FARBER, HE'S ABSOLUTELY RIGHT. I'VE BEEN BRINGING CLIENTS LIKE

RIGHT. I'VE BEEN BRINGING CLIENTS LIKE YOUR HUSBAND HERE SINCE 1968.

I'VE BEEN BRINGING CLIENTS LIKE YOUR HUSBAND HERE SINCE 1968. I'VE BEEN A KEYHOLDER SINCE

YOUR HUSBAND HERE SINCE 1968. I'VE BEEN A KEYHOLDER SINCE 1968, AND I ASSURE YOU NOBODY

I'VE BEEN A KEYHOLDER SINCE 1968, AND I ASSURE YOU NOBODY MESSES WITH THESE GIRLS.

1968, AND I ASSURE YOU NOBODY MESSES WITH THESE GIRLS. HEF MAKES THEM TAKE A SPECIAL

MESSES WITH THESE GIRLS. HEF MAKES THEM TAKE A SPECIAL DRUG TO GET RID OF THEIR DESIRE.

HEF MAKES THEM TAKE A SPECIAL DRUG TO GET RID OF THEIR DESIRE. IT'S CUSTOM MADE AT THE PLAYBOY

DRUG TO GET RID OF THEIR DESIRE. IT'S CUSTOM MADE AT THE PLAYBOY PLEASURE LABS IN LAKE GENEVA,

IT'S CUSTOM MADE AT THE PLAYBOY PLEASURE LABS IN LAKE GENEVA, WISCONSIN.

PLEASURE LABS IN LAKE GENEVA, WISCONSIN. I MEAN, I DON'T UNDERSTAND,

WISCONSIN. I MEAN, I DON'T UNDERSTAND, LARRY.

I MEAN, I DON'T UNDERSTAND, LARRY. I'M ALWAYS SO GOOD ABOUT SEX,

LARRY. I'M ALWAYS SO GOOD ABOUT SEX, LIKE THAT TIME WHEN YOU CAME

I'M ALWAYS SO GOOD ABOUT SEX, LIKE THAT TIME WHEN YOU CAME HOME FROM THE HUNTING TRIP AND

LIKE THAT TIME WHEN YOU CAME HOME FROM THE HUNTING TRIP AND YOU HADN'T WASHED FOR TWO WEEKS

HOME FROM THE HUNTING TRIP AND YOU HADN'T WASHED FOR TWO WEEKS AND YOU WERE CARRYING THAT DEAD

YOU HADN'T WASHED FOR TWO WEEKS AND YOU WERE CARRYING THAT DEAD MOOSE MEAT.

AND YOU WERE CARRYING THAT DEAD MOOSE MEAT. OH, HE MAKES THEM TAKE A

MOOSE MEAT. OH, HE MAKES THEM TAKE A DRUG, HUH?

OH, HE MAKES THEM TAKE A DRUG, HUH? HEF'S GOT HIS OWN PRIVATE

DRUG, HUH? HEF'S GOT HIS OWN PRIVATE BEDROOM IN EVERY PLAYBOY CLUB IN

HEF'S GOT HIS OWN PRIVATE BEDROOM IN EVERY PLAYBOY CLUB IN THE UNITED STATES.

BEDROOM IN EVERY PLAYBOY CLUB IN THE UNITED STATES. HE TESTS EVERY BUNNY GIRL

THE UNITED STATES. HE TESTS EVERY BUNNY GIRL PERSONALLY.

HE TESTS EVERY BUNNY GIRL PERSONALLY. IF SHE'S NO GOOD, FIRED ON THE

PERSONALLY. IF SHE'S NO GOOD, FIRED ON THE SPOT.

IF SHE'S NO GOOD, FIRED ON THE SPOT. HE'S GOT A PRIVATE BEDROOM WITH

SPOT. HE'S GOT A PRIVATE BEDROOM WITH A FIVE-DAY FOOD, LIQUOR, AND

HE'S GOT A PRIVATE BEDROOM WITH A FIVE-DAY FOOD, LIQUOR, AND DRUG SUPPLY IN IT.

A FIVE-DAY FOOD, LIQUOR, AND DRUG SUPPLY IN IT. [LAUGHING]

DRUG SUPPLY IN IT. [LAUGHING] HOW DO YOU KNOW ALL THIS?

[LAUGHING] HOW DO YOU KNOW ALL THIS? WELL, YOU BEEN A KEYHOLDER

HOW DO YOU KNOW ALL THIS? WELL, YOU BEEN A KEYHOLDER THIS LONG, YOU'RE PARTY TO

WELL, YOU BEEN A KEYHOLDER THIS LONG, YOU'RE PARTY TO CERTAIN INFORMATION.

THIS LONG, YOU'RE PARTY TO CERTAIN INFORMATION. YEAH, WELL, LARRY, SERIOUSLY,

CERTAIN INFORMATION. YEAH, WELL, LARRY, SERIOUSLY, I DON'T SEE WHAT'S SO WONDERFUL

YEAH, WELL, LARRY, SERIOUSLY, I DON'T SEE WHAT'S SO WONDERFUL ABOUT THIS PLACE.

I DON'T SEE WHAT'S SO WONDERFUL ABOUT THIS PLACE. I MEAN, THEY BOLT THE ASHTRAYS

ABOUT THIS PLACE. I MEAN, THEY BOLT THE ASHTRAYS TO THE ARMS OF THE CHAIRS, AND

I MEAN, THEY BOLT THE ASHTRAYS TO THE ARMS OF THE CHAIRS, AND THEY ALWAYS GIVE YOU THIS

TO THE ARMS OF THE CHAIRS, AND THEY ALWAYS GIVE YOU THIS LITTLE, TEENY-TINY SALAD PLATE

THEY ALWAYS GIVE YOU THIS LITTLE, TEENY-TINY SALAD PLATE FOR THE SALAD.

LITTLE, TEENY-TINY SALAD PLATE FOR THE SALAD. BOY, THAT HUGH HEFNER...

FOR THE SALAD. BOY, THAT HUGH HEFNER... WHAT A GUY, HUH?

BOY, THAT HUGH HEFNER... WHAT A GUY, HUH? LARRY.

WHAT A GUY, HUH? LARRY. I BETCHA HUGH HEFNER DOESN'T

LARRY. I BETCHA HUGH HEFNER DOESN'T TURN HIS SOCKS INSIDE OUT TO GET

I BETCHA HUGH HEFNER DOESN'T TURN HIS SOCKS INSIDE OUT TO GET ANOTHER DAY'S WEAR OUT OF THEM.

TURN HIS SOCKS INSIDE OUT TO GET ANOTHER DAY'S WEAR OUT OF THEM. HEY, LISTEN.

ANOTHER DAY'S WEAR OUT OF THEM. HEY, LISTEN. OH, WOW.

HEY, LISTEN. OH, WOW. MR. SCHAEFER, THANK YOU VERY

OH, WOW. MR. SCHAEFER, THANK YOU VERY MUCH FOR THE BUNNY ANKLE

MR. SCHAEFER, THANK YOU VERY MUCH FOR THE BUNNY ANKLE BRACELET.

MUCH FOR THE BUNNY ANKLE BRACELET. LISTEN TO ME.

BRACELET. LISTEN TO ME. IS IT TRUE ABOUT HIM HAVING HIS

LISTEN TO ME. IS IT TRUE ABOUT HIM HAVING HIS OWN BUNNY JET?

IS IT TRUE ABOUT HIM HAVING HIS OWN BUNNY JET? NOT ONLY DOES HE HAVE HIS OWN

OWN BUNNY JET? NOT ONLY DOES HE HAVE HIS OWN BUNNY JET, HE'S GOT HIS OWN

NOT ONLY DOES HE HAVE HIS OWN BUNNY JET, HE'S GOT HIS OWN BUNNY TRAIN.

BUNNY JET, HE'S GOT HIS OWN BUNNY TRAIN. HE'S GOT HIS OWN NUCLEAR-POWERED

BUNNY TRAIN. HE'S GOT HIS OWN NUCLEAR-POWERED BUNNY SUB, IN FACT.

HE'S GOT HIS OWN NUCLEAR-POWERED BUNNY SUB, IN FACT. YEAH, IN THE EVENT OF

BUNNY SUB, IN FACT. YEAH, IN THE EVENT OF WORLD WAR III, HE DIVES TO THE

YEAH, IN THE EVENT OF WORLD WAR III, HE DIVES TO THE BOTTOM OF THE SEA.

WORLD WAR III, HE DIVES TO THE BOTTOM OF THE SEA. HE CAN EVADE OR COUNTERATTACK

BOTTOM OF THE SEA. HE CAN EVADE OR COUNTERATTACK ANY NUCLEAR ANTAGONIST WHILE

HE CAN EVADE OR COUNTERATTACK ANY NUCLEAR ANTAGONIST WHILE HAVING CONTINUAL PLEASURE WITH

ANY NUCLEAR ANTAGONIST WHILE HAVING CONTINUAL PLEASURE WITH ANY MEMBER OF THE CREW, EACH OF

HAVING CONTINUAL PLEASURE WITH ANY MEMBER OF THE CREW, EACH OF WHOM IS A TRAINED ATOMIC BUNNY

ANY MEMBER OF THE CREW, EACH OF WHOM IS A TRAINED ATOMIC BUNNY PHYSICIST.

WHOM IS A TRAINED ATOMIC BUNNY PHYSICIST. WOW.

PHYSICIST. WOW. THAT'S A FACT.

WOW. THAT'S A FACT. WE'RE CLOSING NOW, SIR.

THAT'S A FACT. WE'RE CLOSING NOW, SIR. HERE'S YOUR CHECK.

WE'RE CLOSING NOW, SIR. HERE'S YOUR CHECK. I'VE BEEN NOTICING YOUR

HERE'S YOUR CHECK. I'VE BEEN NOTICING YOUR TAIL'S A LOT FUZZIER THAN THE

I'VE BEEN NOTICING YOUR TAIL'S A LOT FUZZIER THAN THE REST OF THE GIRLS.

TAIL'S A LOT FUZZIER THAN THE REST OF THE GIRLS. I'LL SAY.

REST OF THE GIRLS. I'LL SAY. WHATEVER YOU'RE DOING, KEEP

I'LL SAY. WHATEVER YOU'RE DOING, KEEP IT UP.

WHATEVER YOU'RE DOING, KEEP IT UP. THANK YOU.

IT UP. THANK YOU. OH, THANK US?

THANK YOU. OH, THANK US? THANK YOU.

OH, THANK US? THANK YOU. DON'T THANK US.

THANK YOU. DON'T THANK US. WE'RE NOT DOING THE

DON'T THANK US. WE'RE NOT DOING THE ENTERTAINING.

WE'RE NOT DOING THE ENTERTAINING. WE'RE JUST SITTING HERE.

ENTERTAINING. WE'RE JUST SITTING HERE. THANK YOU, LARRY.

WE'RE JUST SITTING HERE. THANK YOU, LARRY. THANK YOU.

THANK YOU, LARRY. THANK YOU. YOU SURE KNOW HOW TO TALK TO

THANK YOU. YOU SURE KNOW HOW TO TALK TO THEM, LAR.

YOU SURE KNOW HOW TO TALK TO THEM, LAR. ALL RIGHT, LARRY, WE TOLD THE

THEM, LAR. ALL RIGHT, LARRY, WE TOLD THE SITTER WE'D BE HOME BY 12:30,

ALL RIGHT, LARRY, WE TOLD THE SITTER WE'D BE HOME BY 12:30, AND YOU REMEMBER THAT EPISODE OF

SITTER WE'D BE HOME BY 12:30, AND YOU REMEMBER THAT EPISODE OF HER DRYING THE CAT IN THE RADAR

AND YOU REMEMBER THAT EPISODE OF HER DRYING THE CAT IN THE RADAR RANGE.

HER DRYING THE CAT IN THE RADAR RANGE. NOW, I DON'T THINK WE SHOULD

RANGE. NOW, I DON'T THINK WE SHOULD LEAVE HER THERE ONE MORE MINUTE

NOW, I DON'T THINK WE SHOULD LEAVE HER THERE ONE MORE MINUTE THAN WE HAVE TO.

LEAVE HER THERE ONE MORE MINUTE THAN WE HAVE TO. HOW DOES HE FIND THEM?

THAN WE HAVE TO. HOW DOES HE FIND THEM? I MEAN, GIRLS LIKE THAT, HOW

HOW DOES HE FIND THEM? I MEAN, GIRLS LIKE THAT, HOW DOES HE FIND THEM?

I MEAN, GIRLS LIKE THAT, HOW DOES HE FIND THEM? HE DOESN'T FIND THEM.

DOES HE FIND THEM? HE DOESN'T FIND THEM. HE BREEDS THEM ON RANCHES IN

HE DOESN'T FIND THEM. HE BREEDS THEM ON RANCHES IN NEVADA.

HE BREEDS THEM ON RANCHES IN NEVADA. WHAT?

NEVADA. WHAT? HE BREEDS THEM LIKE MINKS.

WHAT? HE BREEDS THEM LIKE MINKS. LET ME ASK YOU... HAVE YOU EVER

HE BREEDS THEM LIKE MINKS. LET ME ASK YOU... HAVE YOU EVER SEEN AN OLD PLAYBOY BUNNY?

LET ME ASK YOU... HAVE YOU EVER SEEN AN OLD PLAYBOY BUNNY? NO.

SEEN AN OLD PLAYBOY BUNNY? NO. THAT'S BECAUSE HE KILLS THEM

NO. THAT'S BECAUSE HE KILLS THEM WHEN THEY REACH THE AGE OF 25.

THAT'S BECAUSE HE KILLS THEM WHEN THEY REACH THE AGE OF 25. PRIVATE UNDERWATER BUNNY

WHEN THEY REACH THE AGE OF 25. PRIVATE UNDERWATER BUNNY CEMETERY IN PALM BEACH, FLORIDA,

PRIVATE UNDERWATER BUNNY CEMETERY IN PALM BEACH, FLORIDA, UNDER THE PLAYBOY HOUSEBOAT.

CEMETERY IN PALM BEACH, FLORIDA, UNDER THE PLAYBOY HOUSEBOAT. THEN, OF COURSE, THERE'S HIS

UNDER THE PLAYBOY HOUSEBOAT. THEN, OF COURSE, THERE'S HIS HOME BUNNIES.

THEN, OF COURSE, THERE'S HIS HOME BUNNIES. HOME BUNNIES?

HOME BUNNIES. HOME BUNNIES? YEAH, THE ONES HE KEEPS AT

HOME BUNNIES? YEAH, THE ONES HE KEEPS AT HOME.

YEAH, THE ONES HE KEEPS AT HOME. YOU KNOW, BIG METAL COLLARS,

HOME. YOU KNOW, BIG METAL COLLARS, STUDS.

YOU KNOW, BIG METAL COLLARS, STUDS. HE FEEDS THEM RAW MEAT.

STUDS. HE FEEDS THEM RAW MEAT. WOW!

HE FEEDS THEM RAW MEAT. WOW! THEY LIVE 10 TO 15 YEARS MORE

WOW! THEY LIVE 10 TO 15 YEARS MORE THAN THE REGULAR WOMEN.

THEY LIVE 10 TO 15 YEARS MORE THAN THE REGULAR WOMEN. WOW.

THAN THE REGULAR WOMEN. WOW. YOU KNOW, LARRY, IF WE STAY

WOW. YOU KNOW, LARRY, IF WE STAY HERE ANY LONGER, I'M GOING TO

YOU KNOW, LARRY, IF WE STAY HERE ANY LONGER, I'M GOING TO TAKE OUT MY CONTACT LENSES AND

HERE ANY LONGER, I'M GOING TO TAKE OUT MY CONTACT LENSES AND CLEAN THEM IN MY MOUTH.

TAKE OUT MY CONTACT LENSES AND CLEAN THEM IN MY MOUTH. AND I'LL PROBABLY SWALLOW ONE.

CLEAN THEM IN MY MOUTH. AND I'LL PROBABLY SWALLOW ONE. BOBBI, I LISTENED THE WHOLE

AND I'LL PROBABLY SWALLOW ONE. BOBBI, I LISTENED THE WHOLE WAY HERE TO THAT BORING STORY

BOBBI, I LISTENED THE WHOLE WAY HERE TO THAT BORING STORY ABOUT THE FREELAND GIRL BEING

WAY HERE TO THAT BORING STORY ABOUT THE FREELAND GIRL BEING ALLERGIC TO CHROME AND GLASS

ABOUT THE FREELAND GIRL BEING ALLERGIC TO CHROME AND GLASS COFFEE TABLES.

ALLERGIC TO CHROME AND GLASS COFFEE TABLES. NOW, I THINK THE LEAST YOU CAN

COFFEE TABLES. NOW, I THINK THE LEAST YOU CAN DO IS LISTEN TO LITTLE STORIES

NOW, I THINK THE LEAST YOU CAN DO IS LISTEN TO LITTLE STORIES ABOUT HUGH HEFNER!

DO IS LISTEN TO LITTLE STORIES ABOUT HUGH HEFNER! EXCUSE ME.

ABOUT HUGH HEFNER! EXCUSE ME. EXCUSE ME, IS THERE A PROBLEM?

EXCUSE ME. EXCUSE ME, IS THERE A PROBLEM? [GASPS]

EXCUSE ME, IS THERE A PROBLEM? [GASPS] IT'S 'NER.

[GASPS] IT'S 'NER. 'NER!

IT'S 'NER. 'NER! 'NERSY!

'NER! 'NERSY! HEY, 'NER.

'NERSY! HEY, 'NER. IT'S HIM HIMSELF.

HEY, 'NER. IT'S HIM HIMSELF. I FEEL LIKE I KNOW YOU.

IT'S HIM HIMSELF. I FEEL LIKE I KNOW YOU. I READ YOUR MAGAZINE.

I FEEL LIKE I KNOW YOU. I READ YOUR MAGAZINE. MR. HEFNER, I'M THE KEYHOLDER

I READ YOUR MAGAZINE. MR. HEFNER, I'M THE KEYHOLDER HERE.

MR. HEFNER, I'M THE KEYHOLDER HERE. REG SCHAEFER, SANDUSKY HAIRDRYER

HERE. REG SCHAEFER, SANDUSKY HAIRDRYER TEMPERATURE CONTROL SWITCH

REG SCHAEFER, SANDUSKY HAIRDRYER TEMPERATURE CONTROL SWITCH CORPORATION.

TEMPERATURE CONTROL SWITCH CORPORATION. THESE ARE MY GUESTS, MR. AND

CORPORATION. THESE ARE MY GUESTS, MR. AND MRS. LARRY FARBER.

THESE ARE MY GUESTS, MR. AND MRS. LARRY FARBER. HELLO, THERE.

MRS. LARRY FARBER. HELLO, THERE. IT IS GETTING A LITTLE LATE.

HELLO, THERE. IT IS GETTING A LITTLE LATE. YOU KNOW, WE WERE WONDERING A

IT IS GETTING A LITTLE LATE. YOU KNOW, WE WERE WONDERING A FEW THINGS.

YOU KNOW, WE WERE WONDERING A FEW THINGS. YOU KNOW, THE PLAYMATES OF

FEW THINGS. YOU KNOW, THE PLAYMATES OF THE MONTH, DO THEY GET TO PICK

YOU KNOW, THE PLAYMATES OF THE MONTH, DO THEY GET TO PICK THE MONTH, OR DO YOU FORCE THE

THE MONTH, DO THEY GET TO PICK THE MONTH, OR DO YOU FORCE THE MONTH ON THEM?

THE MONTH, OR DO YOU FORCE THE MONTH ON THEM? AND THOSE STARS ON THE "P" IN

MONTH ON THEM? AND THOSE STARS ON THE "P" IN THE "PLAYBOY" ON THE COVER?

AND THOSE STARS ON THE "P" IN THE "PLAYBOY" ON THE COVER? DOES THAT REALLY MEAN THE NUMBER

THE "PLAYBOY" ON THE COVER? DOES THAT REALLY MEAN THE NUMBER OF TIMES YOU SLEPT WITH THE

DOES THAT REALLY MEAN THE NUMBER OF TIMES YOU SLEPT WITH THE PLAYMATE?

OF TIMES YOU SLEPT WITH THE PLAYMATE? HUH? HUH? HUH?

PLAYMATE? HUH? HUH? HUH? MR. SCHAEFER, THE STARS HAVE

HUH? HUH? HUH? MR. SCHAEFER, THE STARS HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH THAT.

MR. SCHAEFER, THE STARS HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH THAT. THE STARS ON THE "P" ON THE

NOTHING TO DO WITH THAT. THE STARS ON THE "P" ON THE PLAYBOY COVER ARE AN

THE STARS ON THE "P" ON THE PLAYBOY COVER ARE AN ADVERTISING DEVICE TO SHOW WHAT

PLAYBOY COVER ARE AN ADVERTISING DEVICE TO SHOW WHAT CITY THAT ISSUE WAS PUBLISHED

ADVERTISING DEVICE TO SHOW WHAT CITY THAT ISSUE WAS PUBLISHED IN.

CITY THAT ISSUE WAS PUBLISHED IN. HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT?

IN. HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT? THAT'S RIGHT, MRS. FARBER.

HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT? THAT'S RIGHT, MRS. FARBER. HOW DOES SHE KNOW?

THAT'S RIGHT, MRS. FARBER. HOW DOES SHE KNOW? OH, AND I ALSO WANTED TO SAY

HOW DOES SHE KNOW? OH, AND I ALSO WANTED TO SAY SOMETIMES, LARRY, I GET TIRED

OH, AND I ALSO WANTED TO SAY SOMETIMES, LARRY, I GET TIRED CLEANING YOUR HANDKERCHIEF

SOMETIMES, LARRY, I GET TIRED CLEANING YOUR HANDKERCHIEF DRAWER, AND I DO A LITTLE

CLEANING YOUR HANDKERCHIEF DRAWER, AND I DO A LITTLE READING.

DRAWER, AND I DO A LITTLE READING. AND I THOUGHT THAT ALEX HALEY

READING. AND I THOUGHT THAT ALEX HALEY INTERVIEW WITH MALCOLM X WAS

AND I THOUGHT THAT ALEX HALEY INTERVIEW WITH MALCOLM X WAS DEFINITELY THE DEFINITIVE

INTERVIEW WITH MALCOLM X WAS DEFINITELY THE DEFINITIVE MALCOLM X INTERVIEW.

DEFINITELY THE DEFINITIVE MALCOLM X INTERVIEW. WELL, THANK YOU VERY MUCH,

MALCOLM X INTERVIEW. WELL, THANK YOU VERY MUCH, MRS. FARBER, AND IF YOU'RE

WELL, THANK YOU VERY MUCH, MRS. FARBER, AND IF YOU'RE INTERESTED IN THAT SORT OF

MRS. FARBER, AND IF YOU'RE INTERESTED IN THAT SORT OF THING, I'M EDITING AT THE VERY

INTERESTED IN THAT SORT OF THING, I'M EDITING AT THE VERY MOMENT A ALEX HALEY PIECE FOR

THING, I'M EDITING AT THE VERY MOMENT A ALEX HALEY PIECE FOR THE DECEMBER ISSUE.

MOMENT A ALEX HALEY PIECE FOR THE DECEMBER ISSUE. OH, I'D LOVE TO SEE IT!

THE DECEMBER ISSUE. OH, I'D LOVE TO SEE IT! WHY DON'T YOU TWO HAVE A

OH, I'D LOVE TO SEE IT! WHY DON'T YOU TWO HAVE A DRINK HERE, AND WE'LL BE BACK IN

WHY DON'T YOU TWO HAVE A DRINK HERE, AND WE'LL BE BACK IN A FEW MINUTES.

DRINK HERE, AND WE'LL BE BACK IN A FEW MINUTES. OKAY, YEAH.

A FEW MINUTES. OKAY, YEAH. THAT'S HUGH HEFNER!

OKAY, YEAH. THAT'S HUGH HEFNER! YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW THE GUY, AND

THAT'S HUGH HEFNER! YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW THE GUY, AND HE BUYS YOU A DRINK!

YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW THE GUY, AND HE BUYS YOU A DRINK! LARRY, CALL THE SITTER, OKAY?

HE BUYS YOU A DRINK! LARRY, CALL THE SITTER, OKAY? OKAY, HONEY.

LARRY, CALL THE SITTER, OKAY? OKAY, HONEY. SURE, DEAR, ANYTHING YOU SAY.

OKAY, HONEY. SURE, DEAR, ANYTHING YOU SAY. ARE YOU SURE SHE'LL BE...

SURE, DEAR, ANYTHING YOU SAY. ARE YOU SURE SHE'LL BE... YEAH, I JUST HOPE BOBBI ISN'T

ARE YOU SURE SHE'LL BE... YEAH, I JUST HOPE BOBBI ISN'T ALLERGIC TO THE REACTION TO THAT

YEAH, I JUST HOPE BOBBI ISN'T ALLERGIC TO THE REACTION TO THAT DRUG.

ALLERGIC TO THE REACTION TO THAT DRUG. I HOPE HE DOESN'T TAKE HER

DRUG. I HOPE HE DOESN'T TAKE HER AWAY IN THE SUBMARINE.

I HOPE HE DOESN'T TAKE HER AWAY IN THE SUBMARINE. OH, NAH!

THANK YOU, ALL, FOR MAKING

THIS SUCH A WONDERFUL ADVENTURE.

THANK YOU.

GOOD NIGHT.

GOOD NIGHT.

[APPLAUSE]

[BAND PLAYS]