Original subtitles

YOU... YOU'RE MY BEST FRIEND. AND I'M GONNA MISS YOU. YOU KNOW, IN A WAY I FEEL IT'S

AND I'M GONNA MISS YOU. YOU KNOW, IN A WAY I FEEL IT'S MY FAULT YOU HAD TO RESIGN

YOU KNOW, IN A WAY I FEEL IT'S MY FAULT YOU HAD TO RESIGN BECAUSE I SET STANDARDS THAT

MY FAULT YOU HAD TO RESIGN BECAUSE I SET STANDARDS THAT WERE IMPOSSIBLE TO LIVE WITH.

BECAUSE I SET STANDARDS THAT WERE IMPOSSIBLE TO LIVE WITH. EVEN FOR SOMEONE WHO'S JUST THE

WERE IMPOSSIBLE TO LIVE WITH. EVEN FOR SOMEONE WHO'S JUST THE SLIGHTEST BIT CORRUPT.

EVEN FOR SOMEONE WHO'S JUST THE SLIGHTEST BIT CORRUPT. NOW, YOU CERTAINLY DID NOTHING

SLIGHTEST BIT CORRUPT. NOW, YOU CERTAINLY DID NOTHING ILLEGAL AND PROBABLY NOTHING

NOW, YOU CERTAINLY DID NOTHING ILLEGAL AND PROBABLY NOTHING UNETHICAL AND ONLY A FEW THINGS

ILLEGAL AND PROBABLY NOTHING UNETHICAL AND ONLY A FEW THINGS THAT WERE REALLY SLEAZY.

UNETHICAL AND ONLY A FEW THINGS THAT WERE REALLY SLEAZY. BUT...

THAT WERE REALLY SLEAZY. BUT... I'M PROUD OF YOU.

BUT... I'M PROUD OF YOU. I'M GONNA MISS YOU.

I'M PROUD OF YOU. I'M GONNA MISS YOU. [CRYING]

I'M GONNA MISS YOU. [CRYING] I HOPE YOU CAN IRON OUT YOUR

[CRYING] I HOPE YOU CAN IRON OUT YOUR FINANCIAL DIFFICULTIES WHEN YOU

I HOPE YOU CAN IRON OUT YOUR FINANCIAL DIFFICULTIES WHEN YOU GET BACK TO CALHOUN.

FINANCIAL DIFFICULTIES WHEN YOU GET BACK TO CALHOUN. [SIGHS]

GET BACK TO CALHOUN. [SIGHS] [SIGHS]

[SIGHS] [SIGHS] DO YOU REMEMBER ME?

[SIGHS] DO YOU REMEMBER ME? I USED TO BE DIRECTOR OF OFFICE

DO YOU REMEMBER ME? I USED TO BE DIRECTOR OF OFFICE OF MANAGEMENT AND BUDGET.

I USED TO BE DIRECTOR OF OFFICE OF MANAGEMENT AND BUDGET. BUT STILL A LOT OF PEOPLE DON'T

OF MANAGEMENT AND BUDGET. BUT STILL A LOT OF PEOPLE DON'T RECOGNIZE MY FACE.

BUT STILL A LOT OF PEOPLE DON'T RECOGNIZE MY FACE. THAT'S WHY I CARRY THIS.

RECOGNIZE MY FACE. THAT'S WHY I CARRY THIS. IT'S THE NATIONAL EXPRESS

THAT'S WHY I CARRY THIS. IT'S THE NATIONAL EXPRESS CARD... THE MOST HONORED CREDIT

IT'S THE NATIONAL EXPRESS CARD... THE MOST HONORED CREDIT CARD THE WORLD OVER.

CARD... THE MOST HONORED CREDIT CARD THE WORLD OVER. WITH IT, I CAN BORROW HUNDREDS

CARD THE WORLD OVER. WITH IT, I CAN BORROW HUNDREDS OR THOUSANDS WITHOUT PAYING

WITH IT, I CAN BORROW HUNDREDS OR THOUSANDS WITHOUT PAYING INTEREST.

OR THOUSANDS WITHOUT PAYING INTEREST. WHETHER IT'S THROWING A PARTY OR

INTEREST. WHETHER IT'S THROWING A PARTY OR FINANCING A POLITICAL CAMPAIGN

WHETHER IT'S THROWING A PARTY OR FINANCING A POLITICAL CAMPAIGN OR JUST PUTTING UP COLLATERAL

FINANCING A POLITICAL CAMPAIGN OR JUST PUTTING UP COLLATERAL FOR ANOTHER LOAN,

OR JUST PUTTING UP COLLATERAL FOR ANOTHER LOAN, NATIONAL EXPRESS GIVES ME THE

FOR ANOTHER LOAN, NATIONAL EXPRESS GIVES ME THE CREDIBILITY I NEED.

NATIONAL EXPRESS GIVES ME THE CREDIBILITY I NEED. MAYBE MY OLD FRIEND JIMMY CARTER

CREDIBILITY I NEED. MAYBE MY OLD FRIEND JIMMY CARTER DOESN'T NEED ONE, BUT YOU AND I

MAYBE MY OLD FRIEND JIMMY CARTER DOESN'T NEED ONE, BUT YOU AND I DO.

DOESN'T NEED ONE, BUT YOU AND I DO. NATIONAL EXPRESS CARD... DON'T

DO. NATIONAL EXPRESS CARD... DON'T LEAVE OFFICE WITHOUT IT.

WELL, THERE'S NOTHING ELSE LEFT TO SAY. EXCEPT...

TO SAY. EXCEPT... LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S

EXCEPT... LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S "SATURDAY NIGHT"!

LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S "SATURDAY NIGHT"! [BAND PLAYS]

"SATURDAY NIGHT"! [BAND PLAYS] Announcer: IT'S "SATURDAY

[BAND PLAYS] Announcer: IT'S "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE"!

Announcer: IT'S "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE"! STARRING...

WITH HIS SPECIAL GUEST, JACKSON BROWNE AND THE SECTION...

THE COMEDY TEAM OF...

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, STEVE MARTIN! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

♪ OH, THE SHARK BITES WITH ITS TEETH THERE ♪ ♪ AND IT KEEPS THEM

WITH ITS TEETH THERE ♪ ♪ AND IT KEEPS THEM PEARLY WHITE ♪

♪ AND IT KEEPS THEM PEARLY WHITE ♪ ♪ OH, THE SHARK BITES

PEARLY WHITE ♪ ♪ OH, THE SHARK BITES WITH ITS TEETH THERE ♪

♪ OH, THE SHARK BITES WITH ITS TEETH THERE ♪ ♪ AND IT KEEPS THEM

WITH ITS TEETH THERE ♪ ♪ AND IT KEEPS THEM PEARLY WHITE ♪

♪ AND IT KEEPS THEM PEARLY WHITE ♪ ♪ OH, THE SHARK BITES

PEARLY WHITE ♪ ♪ OH, THE SHARK BITES WITH ITS TEETH THERE ♪

♪ OH, THE SHARK BITES WITH ITS TEETH THERE ♪ ♪ AND IT KEEPS THEM

WITH ITS TEETH THERE ♪ ♪ AND IT KEEPS THEM PEARLY WHITE ♪

♪ AND IT KEEPS THEM PEARLY WHITE ♪ ♪ OH, THE SHARK BITES

PEARLY WHITE ♪ ♪ OH, THE SHARK BITES WITH ITS TEETH THERE ♪

♪ OH, THE SHARK BITES WITH ITS TEETH THERE ♪ ♪ AND IT KEEPS THEM ♪

WITH ITS TEETH THERE ♪ ♪ AND IT KEEPS THEM ♪ HIT IT BOYS!

♪ AND IT KEEPS THEM ♪ HIT IT BOYS! ♪ OUT OF SIGHT ♪

HIT IT BOYS! ♪ OUT OF SIGHT ♪ [PIANO PLAYS]

♪ OUT OF SIGHT ♪ [PIANO PLAYS] YOU GUYS STUCK-UP OR SOMETHING?

[PIANO PLAYS] YOU GUYS STUCK-UP OR SOMETHING? WELL, GOOD EVENING.

YOU GUYS STUCK-UP OR SOMETHING? WELL, GOOD EVENING. THAT'S OKAY... COOL.

WELL, GOOD EVENING. THAT'S OKAY... COOL. HEY, WELCOME TO

THAT'S OKAY... COOL. HEY, WELCOME TO "SATURDAY NIGHT."

HEY, WELCOME TO "SATURDAY NIGHT." [APPLAUSE]

"SATURDAY NIGHT." [APPLAUSE] I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE SAYING...

[APPLAUSE] I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE SAYING... YOU'RE SAYING, "HEY.

I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE SAYING... YOU'RE SAYING, "HEY. WAIT A MINUTE.

YOU'RE SAYING, "HEY. WAIT A MINUTE. STEVE'S WEARING LOAFERS.

WAIT A MINUTE. STEVE'S WEARING LOAFERS. NO LACES ON HIS SHOES."

STEVE'S WEARING LOAFERS. NO LACES ON HIS SHOES." ♪ BORN TO BE W-I-I-ILD ♪

NO LACES ON HIS SHOES." ♪ BORN TO BE W-I-I-ILD ♪ THANK YOU.

♪ BORN TO BE W-I-I-ILD ♪ THANK YOU. I KNOW A LOT OF YOU PEOPLE ARE

THANK YOU. I KNOW A LOT OF YOU PEOPLE ARE SITTING OUT THERE SAYING TO

I KNOW A LOT OF YOU PEOPLE ARE SITTING OUT THERE SAYING TO YOURSELVES, "STEVE, YOU'RE A

SITTING OUT THERE SAYING TO YOURSELVES, "STEVE, YOU'RE A RAMBLING GUY.

YOURSELVES, "STEVE, YOU'RE A RAMBLING GUY. IS IT TOUGH FOR YOU TRAVELING

RAMBLING GUY. IS IT TOUGH FOR YOU TRAVELING AROUND FROM TOWN TO TOWN,

IS IT TOUGH FOR YOU TRAVELING AROUND FROM TOWN TO TOWN, STAYING IN DIFFERENT HOTELS

AROUND FROM TOWN TO TOWN, STAYING IN DIFFERENT HOTELS EVERY NIGHT, ALL ALONE, NOT WITH

STAYING IN DIFFERENT HOTELS EVERY NIGHT, ALL ALONE, NOT WITH YOUR FRIENDS?"

EVERY NIGHT, ALL ALONE, NOT WITH YOUR FRIENDS?" I'VE KIND OF WORKED THAT OUT

YOUR FRIENDS?" I'VE KIND OF WORKED THAT OUT NOW.

I'VE KIND OF WORKED THAT OUT NOW. I'VE GOT A WHOLE NEW POLICY.

NOW. I'VE GOT A WHOLE NEW POLICY. LIKE, I CAME IN TO NEW YORK

I'VE GOT A WHOLE NEW POLICY. LIKE, I CAME IN TO NEW YORK EARLY THIS MORNING... BOUGHT A

LIKE, I CAME IN TO NEW YORK EARLY THIS MORNING... BOUGHT A HOUSE.

EARLY THIS MORNING... BOUGHT A HOUSE. MET A CUTE GAL, GOT MARRIED.

HOUSE. MET A CUTE GAL, GOT MARRIED. WE HAVE A LITTLE BABY, ANOTHER

MET A CUTE GAL, GOT MARRIED. WE HAVE A LITTLE BABY, ANOTHER ONE ON THE WAY.

WE HAVE A LITTLE BABY, ANOTHER ONE ON THE WAY. TOMORROW... WAKE UP, HAVE A

ONE ON THE WAY. TOMORROW... WAKE UP, HAVE A HOME-COOKED MEAL, SELL THE

TOMORROW... WAKE UP, HAVE A HOME-COOKED MEAL, SELL THE HOUSE, GET A DIVORCE, AND GET ON

HOME-COOKED MEAL, SELL THE HOUSE, GET A DIVORCE, AND GET ON TO THE NEXT TOWN.

HOUSE, GET A DIVORCE, AND GET ON TO THE NEXT TOWN. SO, THIS IS WHAT STEVE IS DOING

TO THE NEXT TOWN. SO, THIS IS WHAT STEVE IS DOING NOW.

SO, THIS IS WHAT STEVE IS DOING NOW. SO, I HAVE A... I HAVE A COMEDY

NOW. SO, I HAVE A... I HAVE A COMEDY ALBUM OUT NOW CALLED

SO, I HAVE A... I HAVE A COMEDY ALBUM OUT NOW CALLED "LET'S GET SMALL," AND THE ONLY

ALBUM OUT NOW CALLED "LET'S GET SMALL," AND THE ONLY REASON I MENTION THAT IS I'LL BE

"LET'S GET SMALL," AND THE ONLY REASON I MENTION THAT IS I'LL BE DOING SOME TELEVISION TO PROMOTE

REASON I MENTION THAT IS I'LL BE DOING SOME TELEVISION TO PROMOTE IT, AND YOU CAN KIND OF KEEP ON

DOING SOME TELEVISION TO PROMOTE IT, AND YOU CAN KIND OF KEEP ON THE LOOKOUT FOR IT.

IT, AND YOU CAN KIND OF KEEP ON THE LOOKOUT FOR IT. I'LL BE DOING "BOWLING FOR

THE LOOKOUT FOR IT. I'LL BE DOING "BOWLING FOR DOLLARS" NEXT WEEK.

I'LL BE DOING "BOWLING FOR DOLLARS" NEXT WEEK. IT'S A GOOD SHOW.

DOLLARS" NEXT WEEK. IT'S A GOOD SHOW. MY AGENT SAYS IT'S A GOOD SHOW.

IT'S A GOOD SHOW. MY AGENT SAYS IT'S A GOOD SHOW. AND WE GOT "CROSSWITS" COMING

MY AGENT SAYS IT'S A GOOD SHOW. AND WE GOT "CROSSWITS" COMING UP, "LIARS CLUB," AND... SEE,

AND WE GOT "CROSSWITS" COMING UP, "LIARS CLUB," AND... SEE, IT'S EASY FOR ME TO GET ON ALL

UP, "LIARS CLUB," AND... SEE, IT'S EASY FOR ME TO GET ON ALL THESE SHOWS NOW BECAUSE I DID SO

IT'S EASY FOR ME TO GET ON ALL THESE SHOWS NOW BECAUSE I DID SO WELL ON "CELEBRITY COKEHEADS."

THESE SHOWS NOW BECAUSE I DID SO WELL ON "CELEBRITY COKEHEADS." SO...

WELL ON "CELEBRITY COKEHEADS." SO... EXCUSE ME.

SO... EXCUSE ME. BOY, OH, BOY, ARE MY LIPS

EXCUSE ME. BOY, OH, BOY, ARE MY LIPS CHAPPED.

BOY, OH, BOY, ARE MY LIPS CHAPPED. EXCUSE ME.

CHAPPED. EXCUSE ME. [LAUGHTER]

EXCUSE ME. [LAUGHTER] [SNIFFING]

[LAUGHTER] [SNIFFING] BOY, OH, BOY, I AM SO MAD AT

[SNIFFING] BOY, OH, BOY, I AM SO MAD AT FARRAH FAWCETT-MAJORS.

BOY, OH, BOY, I AM SO MAD AT FARRAH FAWCETT-MAJORS. OH!

FARRAH FAWCETT-MAJORS. OH! SHE IS SO CONCEITED.

OH! SHE IS SO CONCEITED. SHE HAS NEVER CALLED ME ONCE.

SHE IS SO CONCEITED. SHE HAS NEVER CALLED ME ONCE. AND AFTER THE HOURS I SPENT

SHE HAS NEVER CALLED ME ONCE. AND AFTER THE HOURS I SPENT HOLDING UP HER POSTER WITH ONE

AND AFTER THE HOURS I SPENT HOLDING UP HER POSTER WITH ONE HAND.

HOLDING UP HER POSTER WITH ONE HAND. [SCOFFS]

HAND. [SCOFFS] [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

[SCOFFS] [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] OKAY.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] OKAY. HEY, DOES ANYBODY KNOW WHERE I

OKAY. HEY, DOES ANYBODY KNOW WHERE I CAN GET SOME CAT HANDCUFFS?

HEY, DOES ANYBODY KNOW WHERE I CAN GET SOME CAT HANDCUFFS? [LAUGHTER]

CAN GET SOME CAT HANDCUFFS? [LAUGHTER] I'VE GOT TO GET A PAIR OF CAT

[LAUGHTER] I'VE GOT TO GET A PAIR OF CAT HANDCUFFS.

I'VE GOT TO GET A PAIR OF CAT HANDCUFFS. EITHER TWO LITTLE ONES LIKE

HANDCUFFS. EITHER TWO LITTLE ONES LIKE THIS, GO AROUND THE LITTLE PAWS

EITHER TWO LITTLE ONES LIKE THIS, GO AROUND THE LITTLE PAWS OR A BIG ONE THAT HOOKS ONTO MY

THIS, GO AROUND THE LITTLE PAWS OR A BIG ONE THAT HOOKS ONTO MY ARM AND THEN HOOKS TO THE CAT.

OR A BIG ONE THAT HOOKS ONTO MY ARM AND THEN HOOKS TO THE CAT. I FOUND OUT MY CAT WAS

ARM AND THEN HOOKS TO THE CAT. I FOUND OUT MY CAT WAS EMBEZZLING FROM ME, SO I GOT TO

I FOUND OUT MY CAT WAS EMBEZZLING FROM ME, SO I GOT TO GET A LITTLE PAIR OF CAT

EMBEZZLING FROM ME, SO I GOT TO GET A LITTLE PAIR OF CAT HANDCUFFS.

GET A LITTLE PAIR OF CAT HANDCUFFS. WELL, I FOUND OUT WHEN I'M AWAY,

HANDCUFFS. WELL, I FOUND OUT WHEN I'M AWAY, HE GOES OUT TO THE MAILBOX,

WELL, I FOUND OUT WHEN I'M AWAY, HE GOES OUT TO THE MAILBOX, PICKS UP THE CHECKS, TAKES THEM

HE GOES OUT TO THE MAILBOX, PICKS UP THE CHECKS, TAKES THEM DOWN TO THE BANK, AND CASHES

PICKS UP THE CHECKS, TAKES THEM DOWN TO THE BANK, AND CASHES THEM.

DOWN TO THE BANK, AND CASHES THEM. AND THE WAY I CAUGHT HIM... I

THEM. AND THE WAY I CAUGHT HIM... I WENT OUT TO HIS LITTLE HOUSE

AND THE WAY I CAUGHT HIM... I WENT OUT TO HIS LITTLE HOUSE OUTSIDE WHERE HE SLEEPS AT

WENT OUT TO HIS LITTLE HOUSE OUTSIDE WHERE HE SLEEPS AT NIGHT, AND THERE WAS LIKE $3,000

OUTSIDE WHERE HE SLEEPS AT NIGHT, AND THERE WAS LIKE $3,000 WORTH OF CAT TOYS OUT THERE.

NIGHT, AND THERE WAS LIKE $3,000 WORTH OF CAT TOYS OUT THERE. AND YOU CAN'T RETURN THEM 'CAUSE

WORTH OF CAT TOYS OUT THERE. AND YOU CAN'T RETURN THEM 'CAUSE THEY HAVE SPIT ALL OVER THEM,

AND YOU CAN'T RETURN THEM 'CAUSE THEY HAVE SPIT ALL OVER THEM, YOU KNOW.

THEY HAVE SPIT ALL OVER THEM, YOU KNOW. I DON'T KNOW WHERE HE IS NOW.

YOU KNOW. I DON'T KNOW WHERE HE IS NOW. I GUESS HE WENT OUT TO CATALINA,

I DON'T KNOW WHERE HE IS NOW. I GUESS HE WENT OUT TO CATALINA, SOMETHING LIKE THAT.

I GUESS HE WENT OUT TO CATALINA, SOMETHING LIKE THAT. I DON'T KNOW.

SOMETHING LIKE THAT. I DON'T KNOW. NO, HE BOUGHT A CATAMARAN AND

I DON'T KNOW. NO, HE BOUGHT A CATAMARAN AND WENT OUT THERE.

NO, HE BOUGHT A CATAMARAN AND WENT OUT THERE. I DON'T KNOW.

WENT OUT THERE. I DON'T KNOW. NO, HE GOT IT OUT OF A CATALOG.

I DON'T KNOW. NO, HE GOT IT OUT OF A CATALOG. THIS IS A CATASTROPHE UP HERE.

NO, HE GOT IT OUT OF A CATALOG. THIS IS A CATASTROPHE UP HERE. HEY, JUST REMEMBER... COMEDY IS

THIS IS A CATASTROPHE UP HERE. HEY, JUST REMEMBER... COMEDY IS NOT PRETTY.

HEY, JUST REMEMBER... COMEDY IS NOT PRETTY. ALL RIGHT, FOLKS, WE HAVE A

NOT PRETTY. ALL RIGHT, FOLKS, WE HAVE A GREAT SHOW TONIGHT.

ALL RIGHT, FOLKS, WE HAVE A GREAT SHOW TONIGHT. WE HAVE JACKSON BROWNE AND HIS

GREAT SHOW TONIGHT. WE HAVE JACKSON BROWNE AND HIS BAND, THE SECTION.

WE HAVE JACKSON BROWNE AND HIS BAND, THE SECTION. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

BAND, THE SECTION. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] A GREAT NEW COMEDY

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] A GREAT NEW COMEDY TEAM... FRANKEN AND DAVIS.

A GREAT NEW COMEDY TEAM... FRANKEN AND DAVIS. AND WE'LL BE BACK RIGHT AFTER

TEAM... FRANKEN AND DAVIS. AND WE'LL BE BACK RIGHT AFTER THIS MESSAGE.

AND WE'LL BE BACK RIGHT AFTER THIS MESSAGE. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

INTRODUCING THE 1978

ROYAL DELUXE II... A LUXURY NAME

AND A LUXURY RIDE AT A

MIDDLE-RANGE PRICE.

IMPOSSIBLE? WE'VE COME TO TEMPLE BETH SHALOM IN LITTLE NECK, NEW YORK, AND

WE'VE COME TO TEMPLE BETH SHALOM IN LITTLE NECK, NEW YORK, AND ASKED RABBI MAYER TEPLETS TO

IN LITTLE NECK, NEW YORK, AND ASKED RABBI MAYER TEPLETS TO CIRCUMCISE 8-DAY-OLD

ASKED RABBI MAYER TEPLETS TO CIRCUMCISE 8-DAY-OLD BENJAMIN CANTOR WHILE RIDING IN

CIRCUMCISE 8-DAY-OLD BENJAMIN CANTOR WHILE RIDING IN THE BACK SEAT OF THE ELEGANT

BENJAMIN CANTOR WHILE RIDING IN THE BACK SEAT OF THE ELEGANT ROYAL DELUXE II.

THE BACK SEAT OF THE ELEGANT ROYAL DELUXE II. PERFORMING CIRCUMCISION IS A

ROYAL DELUXE II. PERFORMING CIRCUMCISION IS A DEMANDING, TIME-HONORED ACT.

PERFORMING CIRCUMCISION IS A DEMANDING, TIME-HONORED ACT. IT REQUIRES A SURE HAND AND A

DEMANDING, TIME-HONORED ACT. IT REQUIRES A SURE HAND AND A STEADY CUTTING SURFACE.

IT REQUIRES A SURE HAND AND A STEADY CUTTING SURFACE. TO SHOW YOU THAT OUR RIDE IS

STEADY CUTTING SURFACE. TO SHOW YOU THAT OUR RIDE IS POSSIBLY THE FINEST, SMOOTHEST

TO SHOW YOU THAT OUR RIDE IS POSSIBLY THE FINEST, SMOOTHEST IN THE WORLD, WE DELIBERATELY

POSSIBLY THE FINEST, SMOOTHEST IN THE WORLD, WE DELIBERATELY PICKED THIS ROAD BECAUSE OF ITS

IN THE WORLD, WE DELIBERATELY PICKED THIS ROAD BECAUSE OF ITS ROUGH, UNEVEN SURFACE.

PICKED THIS ROAD BECAUSE OF ITS ROUGH, UNEVEN SURFACE. THIS IS AN ACTUAL

ROUGH, UNEVEN SURFACE. THIS IS AN ACTUAL DEMONSTRATION.

OUR SPEED... 40 MILES AN HOUR.

THE STYLISH ROYAL DELUXE II RIDES SMOOTH BECAUSE WE BUILT IT RIGHT... THE UNIQUE HYDRADYNE

RIDES SMOOTH BECAUSE WE BUILT IT RIGHT... THE UNIQUE HYDRADYNE SUSPENSION SYSTEM,

RIGHT... THE UNIQUE HYDRADYNE SUSPENSION SYSTEM, RACK-AND-PINION STEERING TO

SUSPENSION SYSTEM, RACK-AND-PINION STEERING TO ENSURE OUTSTANDING ROAD ABILITY

RACK-AND-PINION STEERING TO ENSURE OUTSTANDING ROAD ABILITY AND CONTROL.

ENSURE OUTSTANDING ROAD ABILITY AND CONTROL. AND EVERY NEW STYLISH

AND CONTROL. AND EVERY NEW STYLISH ROYAL DELUXE II OFFERS AS

AND EVERY NEW STYLISH ROYAL DELUXE II OFFERS AS STANDARD EQUIPMENT POWER FRONT

ROYAL DELUXE II OFFERS AS STANDARD EQUIPMENT POWER FRONT DISC BRAKES.

STANDARD EQUIPMENT POWER FRONT DISC BRAKES. [BRAKES SCREECHING]

DISC BRAKES. [BRAKES SCREECHING] [BABY CRYING]

[BRAKES SCREECHING] [BABY CRYING] PERFECT!

[BABY CRYING] PERFECT! YOU MAY NEVER HAVE TO PERFORM

PERFECT! YOU MAY NEVER HAVE TO PERFORM A CIRCUMCISION IN THE

YOU MAY NEVER HAVE TO PERFORM A CIRCUMCISION IN THE ROYAL DELUXE II, BUT IF YOU DO,

A CIRCUMCISION IN THE ROYAL DELUXE II, BUT IF YOU DO, WE'RE SURE YOU'LL AGREE WITH

ROYAL DELUXE II, BUT IF YOU DO, WE'RE SURE YOU'LL AGREE WITH RABBI TEPLETS.

WE'RE SURE YOU'LL AGREE WITH RABBI TEPLETS. IT'S A BEAUTIFUL BABY...

RABBI TEPLETS. IT'S A BEAUTIFUL BABY... AND A BEAUTIFUL CAR.

ROYAL DELUXE II, A BEAUTIFUL

CAR.

OH! PLAY SOME BETTER PONG. I'M SORRY.

[Czech accent] EXCUSE ME! SORRY TO INTERRUPT! BUT I WAS JUST WONDERING

SORRY TO INTERRUPT! BUT I WAS JUST WONDERING SOMETHING.

BUT I WAS JUST WONDERING SOMETHING. I AM GEORG FESTRUNK, AND THIS IS

SOMETHING. I AM GEORG FESTRUNK, AND THIS IS MY BROTHER YORTUK.

I AM GEORG FESTRUNK, AND THIS IS MY BROTHER YORTUK. WE HAVE A WASH GOING IN THE NEXT

MY BROTHER YORTUK. WE HAVE A WASH GOING IN THE NEXT ROOM, AND WE NEED SOME CHANGE

WE HAVE A WASH GOING IN THE NEXT ROOM, AND WE NEED SOME CHANGE FOR THE DRYER.

ROOM, AND WE NEED SOME CHANGE FOR THE DRYER. CAN YOU HELP?

FOR THE DRYER. CAN YOU HELP? I'M SORRY.

CAN YOU HELP? I'M SORRY. I DON'T HAVE ANY CHANGE.

I'M SORRY. I DON'T HAVE ANY CHANGE. WELL, YOU KNOW, USUALLY WE

I DON'T HAVE ANY CHANGE. WELL, YOU KNOW, USUALLY WE HAVE LOTS OF CHANGE BECAUSE WE

WELL, YOU KNOW, USUALLY WE HAVE LOTS OF CHANGE BECAUSE WE ARE BOTH SWINGING GUYS.

HAVE LOTS OF CHANGE BECAUSE WE ARE BOTH SWINGING GUYS. BOTH MY BROTHER YORTUK AND I

ARE BOTH SWINGING GUYS. BOTH MY BROTHER YORTUK AND I ENJOY DOING MANY THINGS.

BOTH MY BROTHER YORTUK AND I ENJOY DOING MANY THINGS. [Czech accent] WE ARE TWO

ENJOY DOING MANY THINGS. [Czech accent] WE ARE TWO WILD AND CRAZY GUYS.

[Czech accent] WE ARE TWO WILD AND CRAZY GUYS. I'LL SAY.

WILD AND CRAZY GUYS. I'LL SAY. WHY, JUST THE OTHER DAY, WE

I'LL SAY. WHY, JUST THE OTHER DAY, WE WERE ENJOYING OURSELVES SO MUCH

WHY, JUST THE OTHER DAY, WE WERE ENJOYING OURSELVES SO MUCH I CAN'T TELL YOU.

WERE ENJOYING OURSELVES SO MUCH I CAN'T TELL YOU. HERE.

I CAN'T TELL YOU. HERE. THANKS.

HERE. THANKS. SAY, YOU KNOW, THIS IS SOME

THANKS. SAY, YOU KNOW, THIS IS SOME SWINGING SINGLES

SAY, YOU KNOW, THIS IS SOME SWINGING SINGLES APARTMENT-BUILDING REC ROOM.

SWINGING SINGLES APARTMENT-BUILDING REC ROOM. YOU COULD HAVE HERE MANY GOOD,

APARTMENT-BUILDING REC ROOM. YOU COULD HAVE HERE MANY GOOD, SWINGING TIMES, WHICH YOU WOULD

YOU COULD HAVE HERE MANY GOOD, SWINGING TIMES, WHICH YOU WOULD ENJOY A GREAT DEAL.

SWINGING TIMES, WHICH YOU WOULD ENJOY A GREAT DEAL. IT'S SO FAR OUT AND TOGETHER.

ENJOY A GREAT DEAL. IT'S SO FAR OUT AND TOGETHER. LOOK AT YOU SWINGING GIRLS

IT'S SO FAR OUT AND TOGETHER. LOOK AT YOU SWINGING GIRLS HAVING SUCH A GOOD TIME ENJOYING

LOOK AT YOU SWINGING GIRLS HAVING SUCH A GOOD TIME ENJOYING YOURSELVES HERE AND NOW.

HAVING SUCH A GOOD TIME ENJOYING YOURSELVES HERE AND NOW. DON'T MENTION IT.

YOURSELVES HERE AND NOW. DON'T MENTION IT. MY BROTHER AND I ARE FROM

DON'T MENTION IT. MY BROTHER AND I ARE FROM CZECHOSLOVAKIA, EVEN THOUGH NO

MY BROTHER AND I ARE FROM CZECHOSLOVAKIA, EVEN THOUGH NO ONE CAN TELL.

CZECHOSLOVAKIA, EVEN THOUGH NO ONE CAN TELL. WE ESCAPED DURING THE '75 RIOTS

ONE CAN TELL. WE ESCAPED DURING THE '75 RIOTS BY THROWING MANY ROCKS AT A

WE ESCAPED DURING THE '75 RIOTS BY THROWING MANY ROCKS AT A RUSSIAN TANK.

BY THROWING MANY ROCKS AT A RUSSIAN TANK. WE RAN FROM IT TO COME TO

RUSSIAN TANK. WE RAN FROM IT TO COME TO AMERICA, BUT, BOY, WE GAVE UP

WE RAN FROM IT TO COME TO AMERICA, BUT, BOY, WE GAVE UP MANY THINGS.

AMERICA, BUT, BOY, WE GAVE UP MANY THINGS. BACK THERE WE HAVE A NICE,

MANY THINGS. BACK THERE WE HAVE A NICE, GROOVY APARTMENT, THREE CARS,

BACK THERE WE HAVE A NICE, GROOVY APARTMENT, THREE CARS, AND A SUMMER HOUSE, WHICH THE

GROOVY APARTMENT, THREE CARS, AND A SUMMER HOUSE, WHICH THE GOVERNMENT NOW OWNS.

AND A SUMMER HOUSE, WHICH THE GOVERNMENT NOW OWNS. BACK THERE WE HAVE MEDICAL

GOVERNMENT NOW OWNS. BACK THERE WE HAVE MEDICAL DEGREES, BUT HERE IN AMERICA, WE

BACK THERE WE HAVE MEDICAL DEGREES, BUT HERE IN AMERICA, WE MUST BE SALESMEN FOR DECORATIVE

DEGREES, BUT HERE IN AMERICA, WE MUST BE SALESMEN FOR DECORATIVE BATHROOM FIXTURES.

MUST BE SALESMEN FOR DECORATIVE BATHROOM FIXTURES. THERE WE ARE BRAIN SURGEONS!

BATHROOM FIXTURES. THERE WE ARE BRAIN SURGEONS! WE ARE UNIQUE KINDS OF GUYS.

THERE WE ARE BRAIN SURGEONS! WE ARE UNIQUE KINDS OF GUYS. TWO SWINGING GUYS WHO ENJOY

WE ARE UNIQUE KINDS OF GUYS. TWO SWINGING GUYS WHO ENJOY MANY THINGS AND CAN DO THEM ALL

TWO SWINGING GUYS WHO ENJOY MANY THINGS AND CAN DO THEM ALL THE TIME.

MANY THINGS AND CAN DO THEM ALL THE TIME. NOT TO BE POLITE, BUT WHAT ARE

THE TIME. NOT TO BE POLITE, BUT WHAT ARE YOUR NAMES?

NOT TO BE POLITE, BUT WHAT ARE YOUR NAMES? UH, LYNN.

YOUR NAMES? UH, LYNN. UH, BARB.

UH, LYNN. UH, BARB. WELL, YOU TWO LOOK LIKE SOME

UH, BARB. WELL, YOU TWO LOOK LIKE SOME FOXY AMERICAN GIRLS WHO ARE VERY

WELL, YOU TWO LOOK LIKE SOME FOXY AMERICAN GIRLS WHO ARE VERY ATTRACTIVE AND WHO ENJOY HAVING

FOXY AMERICAN GIRLS WHO ARE VERY ATTRACTIVE AND WHO ENJOY HAVING A GOOD SWINGING TIME.

ATTRACTIVE AND WHO ENJOY HAVING A GOOD SWINGING TIME. YEAH. SORRY.

A GOOD SWINGING TIME. YEAH. SORRY. [CHUCKLING NERVOUSLY]

YEAH. SORRY. [CHUCKLING NERVOUSLY] SO MANY TIMES THIS GAME HAS

[CHUCKLING NERVOUSLY] SO MANY TIMES THIS GAME HAS BEEN PLAYED BY ME AND MY

SO MANY TIMES THIS GAME HAS BEEN PLAYED BY ME AND MY BROTHER.

BEEN PLAYED BY ME AND MY BROTHER. I THINK YOU WOULD SEE JUST HOW

BROTHER. I THINK YOU WOULD SEE JUST HOW SWINGING WE ARE IF WE PLAYED THE

I THINK YOU WOULD SEE JUST HOW SWINGING WE ARE IF WE PLAYED THE GAME FOR YOU RIGHT NOW.

SWINGING WE ARE IF WE PLAYED THE GAME FOR YOU RIGHT NOW. YOU WANT TO SHOOT A GAME?

GAME FOR YOU RIGHT NOW. YOU WANT TO SHOOT A GAME? SURE.

YOU WANT TO SHOOT A GAME? SURE. THERE'S NOTHING PREVENTING US.

SURE. THERE'S NOTHING PREVENTING US. UH, LISTEN, GUYS, WE'RE RIGHT

THERE'S NOTHING PREVENTING US. UH, LISTEN, GUYS, WE'RE RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF A GAME.

UH, LISTEN, GUYS, WE'RE RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF A GAME. WE'D LIKE TO FINISH IT.

IN THE MIDDLE OF A GAME. WE'D LIKE TO FINISH IT. WELL, WHY SHOULD WE WAIT?

WE'D LIKE TO FINISH IT. WELL, WHY SHOULD WE WAIT? WE'RE PUTTING THE MOVES ON YOU

WELL, WHY SHOULD WE WAIT? WE'RE PUTTING THE MOVES ON YOU FOXES.

WE'RE PUTTING THE MOVES ON YOU FOXES. SO, HOW MUCH DO YOU WEIGH?

FOXES. SO, HOW MUCH DO YOU WEIGH? UH, ABOUT 110, 115.

SO, HOW MUCH DO YOU WEIGH? UH, ABOUT 110, 115. OKAY.

UH, ABOUT 110, 115. OKAY. JUST TELL ME WHEN YOU WANT ME TO

OKAY. JUST TELL ME WHEN YOU WANT ME TO COME HOME WITH YOU.

GOOD SHOT, YORTUK! I WIN AGAIN. [LAUGHS]

I WIN AGAIN. [LAUGHS] WE SURE ARE COMING ON TO YOU.

[LAUGHS] WE SURE ARE COMING ON TO YOU. BUT ENOUGH OF THIS FLATTERY.

WE SURE ARE COMING ON TO YOU. BUT ENOUGH OF THIS FLATTERY. YOU YOUNG GIRLS SEEM TO KNOW

BUT ENOUGH OF THIS FLATTERY. YOU YOUNG GIRLS SEEM TO KNOW THAT WE'RE TALKING TO YOU IN A

YOU YOUNG GIRLS SEEM TO KNOW THAT WE'RE TALKING TO YOU IN A VERY SWINGING WAY.

THAT WE'RE TALKING TO YOU IN A VERY SWINGING WAY. WHAT CAN YOU SAY TO US THAT WE

VERY SWINGING WAY. WHAT CAN YOU SAY TO US THAT WE WOULD ENJOY TALKING ABOUT WITH

WHAT CAN YOU SAY TO US THAT WE WOULD ENJOY TALKING ABOUT WITH YOU NOW, HERE AND NOW, IN THIS

WOULD ENJOY TALKING ABOUT WITH YOU NOW, HERE AND NOW, IN THIS SWINGING WAY WITH US?

YOU NOW, HERE AND NOW, IN THIS SWINGING WAY WITH US? WELL... UM.

SWINGING WAY WITH US? WELL... UM. WELL... UM.

WELL... UM. WELL... UM. MAYBE YOU'VE TAKEN SOME

WELL... UM. MAYBE YOU'VE TAKEN SOME DRUGS, WHICH GAVE YOU MANY

MAYBE YOU'VE TAKEN SOME DRUGS, WHICH GAVE YOU MANY PRETTY COLORS, THAT FREAK YOU

DRUGS, WHICH GAVE YOU MANY PRETTY COLORS, THAT FREAK YOU OUT AND MADE YOU WANT TO DIE.

PRETTY COLORS, THAT FREAK YOU OUT AND MADE YOU WANT TO DIE. WELL, UH... UM.

OUT AND MADE YOU WANT TO DIE. WELL, UH... UM. OH, I KNEW THIS GIRL IN COLLEGE

WELL, UH... UM. OH, I KNEW THIS GIRL IN COLLEGE THAT TOOK ACID AND GOT PREGNANT.

OH, I KNEW THIS GIRL IN COLLEGE THAT TOOK ACID AND GOT PREGNANT. WOW!

THAT TOOK ACID AND GOT PREGNANT. WOW! WHOA!

WOW! WHOA! WELL, THIS IS SURE A SWINGING

WHOA! WELL, THIS IS SURE A SWINGING RAP SESSION IN AMERICA.

WELL, THIS IS SURE A SWINGING RAP SESSION IN AMERICA. WELL, UM... I DON'T TAKE... I

RAP SESSION IN AMERICA. WELL, UM... I DON'T TAKE... I TAKE DRUGS NO!

WELL, UM... I DON'T TAKE... I TAKE DRUGS NO! WELL, MAYBE SOMEDAY, SOMEONE

TAKE DRUGS NO! WELL, MAYBE SOMEDAY, SOMEONE WILL PUT SOME IN YOUR FOOD.

WELL, MAYBE SOMEDAY, SOMEONE WILL PUT SOME IN YOUR FOOD. [BOTH LAUGHING]

WILL PUT SOME IN YOUR FOOD. [BOTH LAUGHING] DON'T SMELL ANYTHING.

[BOTH LAUGHING] DON'T SMELL ANYTHING. SO, NOW YOU KNOW.

DON'T SMELL ANYTHING. SO, NOW YOU KNOW. [LAUGHING]

SO, NOW YOU KNOW. [LAUGHING] SAY, MY BROTHER YORTUK AND I, WE

[LAUGHING] SAY, MY BROTHER YORTUK AND I, WE REALLY ENJOY THE AMERICAN DISCO

SAY, MY BROTHER YORTUK AND I, WE REALLY ENJOY THE AMERICAN DISCO MUSIC, SO TO SHOW YOU HOW

REALLY ENJOY THE AMERICAN DISCO MUSIC, SO TO SHOW YOU HOW SWINGING WE ARE AND HOW MUCH WE

MUSIC, SO TO SHOW YOU HOW SWINGING WE ARE AND HOW MUCH WE LOVE IT, WE'RE GOING TO DANCE

SWINGING WE ARE AND HOW MUCH WE LOVE IT, WE'RE GOING TO DANCE FOR YOU NOW WITH YOU BY PUTTING

LOVE IT, WE'RE GOING TO DANCE FOR YOU NOW WITH YOU BY PUTTING SOME MUSIC ON THE JUKEBOX.

FOR YOU NOW WITH YOU BY PUTTING SOME MUSIC ON THE JUKEBOX. COME ON, YOU CRAZY GIRL.

SOME MUSIC ON THE JUKEBOX. COME ON, YOU CRAZY GIRL. UM.

COME ON, YOU CRAZY GIRL. UM. COME ON, FOX.

UM. COME ON, FOX. DON'T MISS OUT ON THE FUN.

COME ON, FOX. DON'T MISS OUT ON THE FUN. [DISCO MUSIC PLAYS]

DON'T MISS OUT ON THE FUN. [DISCO MUSIC PLAYS] HEY!

[DISCO MUSIC PLAYS] HEY! HEY!

HEY! HEY! HEY!

HEY! HEY! I SEE YOU TWO GIRLS HAVE

HEY! I SEE YOU TWO GIRLS HAVE NEVER LIVED IN A COMMUNIST BLOC

I SEE YOU TWO GIRLS HAVE NEVER LIVED IN A COMMUNIST BLOC COUNTRY.

NEVER LIVED IN A COMMUNIST BLOC COUNTRY. SO GET OUT OF OUR WAYS!

COUNTRY. SO GET OUT OF OUR WAYS! WE NEED TO LOSE THESE GUYS.

SO GET OUT OF OUR WAYS! WE NEED TO LOSE THESE GUYS. YEAH, WE GOT TO GET OUT OF

WE NEED TO LOSE THESE GUYS. YEAH, WE GOT TO GET OUT OF HERE REALLY FAST.

YEAH, WE GOT TO GET OUT OF HERE REALLY FAST. HEY, HEY, HEY... WAIT.

HERE REALLY FAST. HEY, HEY, HEY... WAIT. H-HEY.

HEY, HEY, HEY... WAIT. H-HEY. YOU KNOW, YOU AMERICAN GIRLS

H-HEY. YOU KNOW, YOU AMERICAN GIRLS HAVE SUCH BIG BREASTS ALL THE

YOU KNOW, YOU AMERICAN GIRLS HAVE SUCH BIG BREASTS ALL THE TIME.

HAVE SUCH BIG BREASTS ALL THE TIME. AND YOUR TIGHT AMERICAN BLUE

TIME. AND YOUR TIGHT AMERICAN BLUE JEANS THINK US HAVE... HAVE

AND YOUR TIGHT AMERICAN BLUE JEANS THINK US HAVE... HAVE MAKING SEX.

JEANS THINK US HAVE... HAVE MAKING SEX. [LAUGHS]

MAKING SEX. [LAUGHS] WELL, I GUESS YOU MUST LIKE

[LAUGHS] WELL, I GUESS YOU MUST LIKE US BY NOW!

WELL, I GUESS YOU MUST LIKE US BY NOW! SO, PLEASE, GIVE US THE NUMBER

US BY NOW! SO, PLEASE, GIVE US THE NUMBER OF YOUR APARTMENT SO THAT WE CAN

SO, PLEASE, GIVE US THE NUMBER OF YOUR APARTMENT SO THAT WE CAN GO UP THERE AND HAVE SEX WITH

OF YOUR APARTMENT SO THAT WE CAN GO UP THERE AND HAVE SEX WITH YOU RIGHT NOW!

GO UP THERE AND HAVE SEX WITH YOU RIGHT NOW! I'VE GOT AN IDEA.

YOU RIGHT NOW! I'VE GOT AN IDEA. WHY DON'T WE GO SOMEPLACE AND

I'VE GOT AN IDEA. WHY DON'T WE GO SOMEPLACE AND MEET FIRST.

WHY DON'T WE GO SOMEPLACE AND MEET FIRST. CERTAINLY.

MEET FIRST. CERTAINLY. BUT I HOPE IT IS NOT LONG BEFORE

CERTAINLY. BUT I HOPE IT IS NOT LONG BEFORE ALL OUR CLOTHES ARE OFF.

BUT I HOPE IT IS NOT LONG BEFORE ALL OUR CLOTHES ARE OFF. AND WE ARE HOLDING YOUR BIG

ALL OUR CLOTHES ARE OFF. AND WE ARE HOLDING YOUR BIG AMERICAN BREASTS IN OUR HANDS.

AND WE ARE HOLDING YOUR BIG AMERICAN BREASTS IN OUR HANDS. I'VE GOT AN IDEA.

AMERICAN BREASTS IN OUR HANDS. I'VE GOT AN IDEA. DO YOU KNOW THE HOLLAND TUNNEL?

I'VE GOT AN IDEA. DO YOU KNOW THE HOLLAND TUNNEL? OF COURSE.

DO YOU KNOW THE HOLLAND TUNNEL? OF COURSE. WE SWING THERE OFTEN.

OF COURSE. WE SWING THERE OFTEN. MEET US IN THE MIDDLE OF THE

WE SWING THERE OFTEN. MEET US IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HOLLAND TUNNEL.

MEET US IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HOLLAND TUNNEL. DO YOU KNOW THE MAN IN THE GLASS

HOLLAND TUNNEL. DO YOU KNOW THE MAN IN THE GLASS BOOTH?

DO YOU KNOW THE MAN IN THE GLASS BOOTH? NATURALLY.

BOOTH? NATURALLY. YEAH, HE KNOWS OUR NAMES...

NATURALLY. YEAH, HE KNOWS OUR NAMES... GEORG AND YORTUK.

YEAH, HE KNOWS OUR NAMES... GEORG AND YORTUK. WELL, YOU GO THERE AND PARK

GEORG AND YORTUK. WELL, YOU GO THERE AND PARK THERE AND WAIT FOR US.

WELL, YOU GO THERE AND PARK THERE AND WAIT FOR US. YEAH, YEAH... WE'LL MEET YOU

THERE AND WAIT FOR US. YEAH, YEAH... WE'LL MEET YOU THERE AS SOON AS WE SLIP INTO

YEAH, YEAH... WE'LL MEET YOU THERE AS SOON AS WE SLIP INTO OUR BIG AMERICAN BREASTS.

THERE AS SOON AS WE SLIP INTO OUR BIG AMERICAN BREASTS. YEAH.

OUR BIG AMERICAN BREASTS. YEAH. OKAY, AND WE'LL HAVE A

YEAH. OKAY, AND WE'LL HAVE A SWINGING TIME.

OKAY, AND WE'LL HAVE A SWINGING TIME. WHEN WE SEE YOU, WE WILL WISH

SWINGING TIME. WHEN WE SEE YOU, WE WILL WISH WE WERE HAVING SEX WITH YOU

WHEN WE SEE YOU, WE WILL WISH WE WERE HAVING SEX WITH YOU RIGHT THEN.

WE WERE HAVING SEX WITH YOU RIGHT THEN. BYE-BYE.

RIGHT THEN. BYE-BYE. WELL, YOU SEE, YORTUK, I TOLD

BYE-BYE. WELL, YOU SEE, YORTUK, I TOLD YOU.

WELL, YOU SEE, YORTUK, I TOLD YOU. IN THIS WHOLE BUILDING, THERE IS

YOU. IN THIS WHOLE BUILDING, THERE IS NOT ONE OTHER PAIR OF BROTHERS

IN THIS WHOLE BUILDING, THERE IS NOT ONE OTHER PAIR OF BROTHERS FROM CZECHOSLOVAKIA WHO RAN FROM

NOT ONE OTHER PAIR OF BROTHERS FROM CZECHOSLOVAKIA WHO RAN FROM THE TANKS LIKE US.

FROM CZECHOSLOVAKIA WHO RAN FROM THE TANKS LIKE US. HA! I WIN AGAIN!

THE TANKS LIKE US. HA! I WIN AGAIN! [LAUGHS]

HA! I WIN AGAIN! [LAUGHS] GOOD SHOT!

[LAUGHS] GOOD SHOT! THANK YOU.

GOOD SHOT! THANK YOU. DON'T MENTION IT.

THANK YOU. DON'T MENTION IT. [LAUGHS]

DON'T MENTION IT. [LAUGHS] LET'S GO TO THAT SWINGING

[LAUGHS] LET'S GO TO THAT SWINGING HOLLAND TUN-NEL!

WE ON? OKAY. AND NOW, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, I AM PROUD TO PRESENT

AND NOW, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, I AM PROUD TO PRESENT JACKSON BROWNE.

AM PROUD TO PRESENT JACKSON BROWNE. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

JACKSON BROWNE. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] ["RUNNING ON EMPTY" PLAYS]

♪ LOOKING OUT AT THE ROAD RUSHING UNDER MY WHEELS ♪ ♪ LOOKING BACK AT THE YEARS GONE

RUSHING UNDER MY WHEELS ♪ ♪ LOOKING BACK AT THE YEARS GONE BY LIKE SO MANY SUMMER FIELDS ♪

♪ LOOKING BACK AT THE YEARS GONE BY LIKE SO MANY SUMMER FIELDS ♪ ♪ IN '65 I WAS 17 ♪

BY LIKE SO MANY SUMMER FIELDS ♪ ♪ IN '65 I WAS 17 ♪ ♪ AND RUNNING UP 101 ♪

♪ IN '65 I WAS 17 ♪ ♪ AND RUNNING UP 101 ♪ ♪ I DON'T KNOW WHERE I'M RUNNING

♪ AND RUNNING UP 101 ♪ ♪ I DON'T KNOW WHERE I'M RUNNING NOW, I'M JUST RUNNING ON ♪

♪ I DON'T KNOW WHERE I'M RUNNING NOW, I'M JUST RUNNING ON ♪ ♪ RUNNING ON ♪

NOW, I'M JUST RUNNING ON ♪ ♪ RUNNING ON ♪ ♪ RUNNING ON EMPTY ♪

♪ RUNNING ON ♪ ♪ RUNNING ON EMPTY ♪ ♪ RUNNING ON ♪

♪ RUNNING ON EMPTY ♪ ♪ RUNNING ON ♪ ♪ RUNNING BLIND ♪

♪ RUNNING ON ♪ ♪ RUNNING BLIND ♪ ♪ RUNNING ON ♪

♪ RUNNING BLIND ♪ ♪ RUNNING ON ♪ ♪ RUNNING INTO THE SUN,

♪ RUNNING ON ♪ ♪ RUNNING INTO THE SUN, BUT I'M RUNNING BEHIND ♪

♪ RUNNING INTO THE SUN, BUT I'M RUNNING BEHIND ♪ ♪ GOT TO DO WHAT YOU CAN JUST TO

BUT I'M RUNNING BEHIND ♪ ♪ GOT TO DO WHAT YOU CAN JUST TO KEEP YOUR LOVE ALIVE ♪

♪ GOT TO DO WHAT YOU CAN JUST TO KEEP YOUR LOVE ALIVE ♪ ♪ TRYING NOT TO CONFUSE IT WITH

KEEP YOUR LOVE ALIVE ♪ ♪ TRYING NOT TO CONFUSE IT WITH WHAT YOU DO TO SURVIVE ♪

♪ TRYING NOT TO CONFUSE IT WITH WHAT YOU DO TO SURVIVE ♪ ♪ IN '69 I WAS 21,

WHAT YOU DO TO SURVIVE ♪ ♪ IN '69 I WAS 21, AND I CALLED THE ROAD MY OWN ♪

♪ IN '69 I WAS 21, AND I CALLED THE ROAD MY OWN ♪ ♪ I DON'T KNOW WHEN THAT ROAD

AND I CALLED THE ROAD MY OWN ♪ ♪ I DON'T KNOW WHEN THAT ROAD TURNED ONTO THE ROAD I'M ON ♪

♪ I DON'T KNOW WHEN THAT ROAD TURNED ONTO THE ROAD I'M ON ♪ ♪ RUNNING ON ♪

TURNED ONTO THE ROAD I'M ON ♪ ♪ RUNNING ON ♪ ♪ RUNNING ON EMPTY ♪

♪ RUNNING ON ♪ ♪ RUNNING ON EMPTY ♪ ♪ RUNNING ON ♪

♪ RUNNING ON EMPTY ♪ ♪ RUNNING ON ♪ ♪ RUNNING BLIND ♪

♪ RUNNING ON ♪ ♪ RUNNING BLIND ♪ ♪ RUNNING ON ♪

♪ RUNNING BLIND ♪ ♪ RUNNING ON ♪ ♪ RUNNING INTO THE SUN,

♪ RUNNING ON ♪ ♪ RUNNING INTO THE SUN, BUT I'M RUNNING BEHIND ♪

♪ RUNNING INTO THE SUN, BUT I'M RUNNING BEHIND ♪ [SLIDE GUITAR SOLO]

♪ EVERYONE I KNOW ♪ ♪ EVERYWHERE I GO ♪ ♪ PEOPLE NEED SOME REASON

♪ EVERYWHERE I GO ♪ ♪ PEOPLE NEED SOME REASON TO BELIEVE ♪

♪ PEOPLE NEED SOME REASON TO BELIEVE ♪ ♪ I DON'T KNOW ABOUT ANYONE BUT

TO BELIEVE ♪ ♪ I DON'T KNOW ABOUT ANYONE BUT ME ♪

♪ I DON'T KNOW ABOUT ANYONE BUT ME ♪ ♪ IF IT TAKES ALL NIGHT ♪

ME ♪ ♪ IF IT TAKES ALL NIGHT ♪ ♪ THAT'LL BE ALL RIGHT ♪

♪ IF IT TAKES ALL NIGHT ♪ ♪ THAT'LL BE ALL RIGHT ♪ ♪ IF I CAN GET YOU TO SMILE

♪ THAT'LL BE ALL RIGHT ♪ ♪ IF I CAN GET YOU TO SMILE BEFORE I LEAVE ♪

♪ IF I CAN GET YOU TO SMILE BEFORE I LEAVE ♪ ♪ LOOKING OUT AT THE ROAD

BEFORE I LEAVE ♪ ♪ LOOKING OUT AT THE ROAD RUSHING UNDER MY WHEELS ♪

♪ LOOKING OUT AT THE ROAD RUSHING UNDER MY WHEELS ♪ ♪ I DON'T KNOW HOW TO TELL YOU

RUSHING UNDER MY WHEELS ♪ ♪ I DON'T KNOW HOW TO TELL YOU ALL JUST HOW CRAZY ♪

♪ I DON'T KNOW HOW TO TELL YOU ALL JUST HOW CRAZY ♪ ♪ THIS LIFE FEELS ♪

ALL JUST HOW CRAZY ♪ ♪ THIS LIFE FEELS ♪ ♪ I LOOK AROUND FOR THE FRIENDS

♪ THIS LIFE FEELS ♪ ♪ I LOOK AROUND FOR THE FRIENDS THAT I USED TO TURN TO ♪

♪ I LOOK AROUND FOR THE FRIENDS THAT I USED TO TURN TO ♪ ♪ TO PULL ME THROUGH ♪

THAT I USED TO TURN TO ♪ ♪ TO PULL ME THROUGH ♪ ♪ LOOKING INTO THEIR EYES I SEE

♪ TO PULL ME THROUGH ♪ ♪ LOOKING INTO THEIR EYES I SEE THAT THEY'RE RUNNING, TOO ♪

♪ LOOKING INTO THEIR EYES I SEE THAT THEY'RE RUNNING, TOO ♪ ♪ RUNNING ON ♪

THAT THEY'RE RUNNING, TOO ♪ ♪ RUNNING ON ♪ ♪ RUNNING ON EMPTY ♪

♪ RUNNING ON ♪ ♪ RUNNING ON EMPTY ♪ ♪ RUNNING ON ♪

♪ RUNNING ON EMPTY ♪ ♪ RUNNING ON ♪ ♪ RUNNING BLIND ♪

♪ RUNNING ON ♪ ♪ RUNNING BLIND ♪ ♪ RUNNING ON ♪

♪ RUNNING BLIND ♪ ♪ RUNNING ON ♪ ♪ RUNNING INTO THE SUN,

♪ RUNNING ON ♪ ♪ RUNNING INTO THE SUN, BUT I'M RUNNING BEHIND ♪

♪ RUNNING INTO THE SUN, BUT I'M RUNNING BEHIND ♪ ♪ HONEY, YOU REALLY TEMPT ME ♪

BUT I'M RUNNING BEHIND ♪ ♪ HONEY, YOU REALLY TEMPT ME ♪ ♪ YOU KNOW, THE WAY YOU LOOK

♪ HONEY, YOU REALLY TEMPT ME ♪ ♪ YOU KNOW, THE WAY YOU LOOK SO KIND ♪

♪ YOU KNOW, THE WAY YOU LOOK SO KIND ♪ ♪ I'D LOVE TO KNOW WHO YOU ARE,

SO KIND ♪ ♪ I'D LOVE TO KNOW WHO YOU ARE, BUT I'M RUNNING BEHIND ♪

♪ I'D LOVE TO KNOW WHO YOU ARE, BUT I'M RUNNING BEHIND ♪ ♪ RUNNING ON ♪

BUT I'M RUNNING BEHIND ♪ ♪ RUNNING ON ♪ ♪ I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT I'M

♪ RUNNING ON ♪ ♪ I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT I'M HOPING TO FIND ♪

♪ I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT I'M HOPING TO FIND ♪ ♪ RUNNING BLIND ♪

HOPING TO FIND ♪ ♪ RUNNING BLIND ♪ ♪ RUNNING INTO THE SUN, BUT

♪ RUNNING BLIND ♪ ♪ RUNNING INTO THE SUN, BUT I'M RUNNING BEHIND ♪

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

Announcer: AND NOW, "WEEKEND UPDATE" WITH THE WEEKEND UPDATE NEWS TEAM.

"WEEKEND UPDATE" WITH THE WEEKEND UPDATE NEWS TEAM. HERE ARE CO-ANCHORPERSONS

WEEKEND UPDATE NEWS TEAM. HERE ARE CO-ANCHORPERSONS DAN AYKROYD AND JANE CURTIN.

HERE ARE CO-ANCHORPERSONS DAN AYKROYD AND JANE CURTIN. GOOD EVENING, I'M

DAN AYKROYD AND JANE CURTIN. GOOD EVENING, I'M DAN AYKROYD.

GOOD EVENING, I'M DAN AYKROYD. AND I'M JANE CURTIN.

DAN AYKROYD. AND I'M JANE CURTIN. OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT... THE

AND I'M JANE CURTIN. OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT... THE HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES

OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT... THE HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES YESTERDAY VOTED TO INCREASE THE

HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES YESTERDAY VOTED TO INCREASE THE MANDATORY RETIREMENT AGE FROM 65

YESTERDAY VOTED TO INCREASE THE MANDATORY RETIREMENT AGE FROM 65 TO 70.

MANDATORY RETIREMENT AGE FROM 65 TO 70. OPPONENTS OF THE MEASURE

TO 70. OPPONENTS OF THE MEASURE IMMEDIATELY INTRODUCED A BILL

OPPONENTS OF THE MEASURE IMMEDIATELY INTRODUCED A BILL RAISING THE AGE OF BIRTH FROM

IMMEDIATELY INTRODUCED A BILL RAISING THE AGE OF BIRTH FROM ZERO TO 5.

RAISING THE AGE OF BIRTH FROM ZERO TO 5. IN NOVEMBER, PRESIDENT CARTER

ZERO TO 5. IN NOVEMBER, PRESIDENT CARTER WILL MAKE A 24,000-MILE JOURNEY

IN NOVEMBER, PRESIDENT CARTER WILL MAKE A 24,000-MILE JOURNEY TAKING HIM TO VENEZUELA, BRAZIL,

WILL MAKE A 24,000-MILE JOURNEY TAKING HIM TO VENEZUELA, BRAZIL, INDIA, IRAN, FRANCE, POLAND,

TAKING HIM TO VENEZUELA, BRAZIL, INDIA, IRAN, FRANCE, POLAND, BELGIUM, AND NIGERIA.

INDIA, IRAN, FRANCE, POLAND, BELGIUM, AND NIGERIA. CARTER CANCELED PLANS TO SPEND

BELGIUM, AND NIGERIA. CARTER CANCELED PLANS TO SPEND THANKSGIVING WITH IDI AMIN IN

CARTER CANCELED PLANS TO SPEND THANKSGIVING WITH IDI AMIN IN UGANDA, SAYING HE DOESN'T LIKE

THANKSGIVING WITH IDI AMIN IN UGANDA, SAYING HE DOESN'T LIKE THE TASTE OF TURK.

UGANDA, SAYING HE DOESN'T LIKE THE TASTE OF TURK. THANK YOU, JANE.

THE TASTE OF TURK. THANK YOU, JANE. THIS JUST IN... THE SURGEON

THANK YOU, JANE. THIS JUST IN... THE SURGEON GENERAL'S OFFICE HAS RELEASED

THIS JUST IN... THE SURGEON GENERAL'S OFFICE HAS RELEASED RESULTS OF TESTS WHICH ESTABLISH

GENERAL'S OFFICE HAS RELEASED RESULTS OF TESTS WHICH ESTABLISH A DEFINITE LINK BETWEEN FIRE AND

RESULTS OF TESTS WHICH ESTABLISH A DEFINITE LINK BETWEEN FIRE AND THIRD-DEGREE BURNS.

A DEFINITE LINK BETWEEN FIRE AND THIRD-DEGREE BURNS. CORRESPONDENT LARAINE NEWMAN

THIRD-DEGREE BURNS. CORRESPONDENT LARAINE NEWMAN HAS JUST RETURNED FROM A

CORRESPONDENT LARAINE NEWMAN HAS JUST RETURNED FROM A MONTH-LONG TRIP TO CHINA AND HAS

HAS JUST RETURNED FROM A MONTH-LONG TRIP TO CHINA AND HAS FILED THIS REPORT.

MONTH-LONG TRIP TO CHINA AND HAS FILED THIS REPORT. LARAINE.

JANE, I SPENT ROSH HASHANAH

THIS YEAR IN THE

PEOPLE'S REPUBLIC OF CHINA, AND

I MUST SAY I CAN RECOMMEND IT

HIGHLY TO ANYONE LOOKING FOR AN

INTERESTING WAY TO RING IN THE

NEW YEAR... OR "GONG IN THE NEW

YEAR," AS THEY SAY IN PEKING,

JANE.

BUT MY TRIP WAS MARRED BY A SOMBER EVENT, JANE... THE OBSERVANCE OF THE FIRST

SOMBER EVENT, JANE... THE OBSERVANCE OF THE FIRST ANNIVERSARY OF THE DEATH OF

OBSERVANCE OF THE FIRST ANNIVERSARY OF THE DEATH OF CHAIRMAN MAO TSE-TUNG.

ANNIVERSARY OF THE DEATH OF CHAIRMAN MAO TSE-TUNG. IT WAS AN IMPRESSIVE AND

CHAIRMAN MAO TSE-TUNG. IT WAS AN IMPRESSIVE AND EMOTIONAL CEREMONY WITH

IT WAS AN IMPRESSIVE AND EMOTIONAL CEREMONY WITH LITERALLY MILLIONS OF PEOPLE WHO

EMOTIONAL CEREMONY WITH LITERALLY MILLIONS OF PEOPLE WHO MADE PILGRIMAGES TO PEKING TO

LITERALLY MILLIONS OF PEOPLE WHO MADE PILGRIMAGES TO PEKING TO PAY HOMAGE TO THEIR FALLEN

MADE PILGRIMAGES TO PEKING TO PAY HOMAGE TO THEIR FALLEN LEADER.

PAY HOMAGE TO THEIR FALLEN LEADER. AND I WAS PROUD AND HAPPY TO

LEADER. AND I WAS PROUD AND HAPPY TO REPRESENT "WEEKEND UPDATE" IN

AND I WAS PROUD AND HAPPY TO REPRESENT "WEEKEND UPDATE" IN THIS EVENT.

REPRESENT "WEEKEND UPDATE" IN THIS EVENT. I WAS ALSO FORTUNATE TO OBTAIN

THIS EVENT. I WAS ALSO FORTUNATE TO OBTAIN ONE OF THE LIMITED NUMBER OF

I WAS ALSO FORTUNATE TO OBTAIN ONE OF THE LIMITED NUMBER OF OFFICIAL MEMENTOS OF THIS

ONE OF THE LIMITED NUMBER OF OFFICIAL MEMENTOS OF THIS OCCASION.

OFFICIAL MEMENTOS OF THIS OCCASION. IT'S THIS REPLICA OF

OCCASION. IT'S THIS REPLICA OF CHAIRMAN MAO IN HIS CRYSTAL

IT'S THIS REPLICA OF CHAIRMAN MAO IN HIS CRYSTAL VAULT.

CHAIRMAN MAO IN HIS CRYSTAL VAULT. [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

VAULT. [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE] IT'S NOT ONLY A FITTING

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE] IT'S NOT ONLY A FITTING COMMEMORATIVE OBJECT, JANE, BUT

IT'S NOT ONLY A FITTING COMMEMORATIVE OBJECT, JANE, BUT IT IS ALSO QUITE DECORATIVE, AS

COMMEMORATIVE OBJECT, JANE, BUT IT IS ALSO QUITE DECORATIVE, AS WELL.

IT IS ALSO QUITE DECORATIVE, AS WELL. THE NEW MAO PAPERWEIGHT, JANE.

WELL. THE NEW MAO PAPERWEIGHT, JANE. BACK TO YOU.

THE NEW MAO PAPERWEIGHT, JANE. BACK TO YOU. FASCINATING.

BACK TO YOU. FASCINATING. CHER BONO CHECKED OUT OF

FASCINATING. CHER BONO CHECKED OUT OF DOCTOR'S HOSPITAL IN NEW YORK

CHER BONO CHECKED OUT OF DOCTOR'S HOSPITAL IN NEW YORK LAST WEEK AFTER UNDERGOING

DOCTOR'S HOSPITAL IN NEW YORK LAST WEEK AFTER UNDERGOING COSMETIC SURGERY TO HAVE HER

LAST WEEK AFTER UNDERGOING COSMETIC SURGERY TO HAVE HER BREASTS LIFTED.

COSMETIC SURGERY TO HAVE HER BREASTS LIFTED. HUSBAND GREG ALLMAN COULD NOT BE

BREASTS LIFTED. HUSBAND GREG ALLMAN COULD NOT BE REACHED FOR COMMENT, AS WE

HUSBAND GREG ALLMAN COULD NOT BE REACHED FOR COMMENT, AS WE UNDERSTAND THAT HE'S JUST

REACHED FOR COMMENT, AS WE UNDERSTAND THAT HE'S JUST CHECKED INTO DOCTOR HOSPITAL TO

UNDERSTAND THAT HE'S JUST CHECKED INTO DOCTOR HOSPITAL TO HAVE HIS HANDS LIFTED.

CHECKED INTO DOCTOR HOSPITAL TO HAVE HIS HANDS LIFTED. I HOPE THINGS WORK OUT OKAY

HAVE HIS HANDS LIFTED. I HOPE THINGS WORK OUT OKAY THERE, JANE.

I HOPE THINGS WORK OUT OKAY THERE, JANE. I DO, TOO, DAN.

THERE, JANE. I DO, TOO, DAN. WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK AFTER THE

I DO, TOO, DAN. WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK AFTER THE WEATHER.

AND HERE'S FILM CRITIC BILL MURRAY WITH A REVIEW OF "THE DEEP" FOR US.

BILL MURRAY WITH A REVIEW OF "THE DEEP" FOR US. BILL.

"THE DEEP" FOR US. BILL. THANK YOU, JANE.

BILL. THANK YOU, JANE. HELLO, EVERYBODY.

THANK YOU, JANE. HELLO, EVERYBODY. AND I MEAN THAT... NOW, GET OUT

HELLO, EVERYBODY. AND I MEAN THAT... NOW, GET OUT OF HERE.

AND I MEAN THAT... NOW, GET OUT OF HERE. HELLO, I LOVE YOU.

OF HERE. HELLO, I LOVE YOU. I HOPE EVERYBODY HAD A PRIMO

HELLO, I LOVE YOU. I HOPE EVERYBODY HAD A PRIMO SUMMER.

I HOPE EVERYBODY HAD A PRIMO SUMMER. YOURS TRULY, THE PARTY ANIMAL,

SUMMER. YOURS TRULY, THE PARTY ANIMAL, WENT TOTALLY INSANE FOR THREE

YOURS TRULY, THE PARTY ANIMAL, WENT TOTALLY INSANE FOR THREE MONTHS.

WENT TOTALLY INSANE FOR THREE MONTHS. SAY, SPEAKING OF FUN, TONIGHT

MONTHS. SAY, SPEAKING OF FUN, TONIGHT I'M REVIEWING "THE DEEP,"

SAY, SPEAKING OF FUN, TONIGHT I'M REVIEWING "THE DEEP," COLUMBIA PICTURES' SUMMER

I'M REVIEWING "THE DEEP," COLUMBIA PICTURES' SUMMER BOX-OFFICE SMASH.

COLUMBIA PICTURES' SUMMER BOX-OFFICE SMASH. THE SAME GUY WHO WROTE "JAWS,"

BOX-OFFICE SMASH. THE SAME GUY WHO WROTE "JAWS," BENCHLEY, WROTE IT.

THE SAME GUY WHO WROTE "JAWS," BENCHLEY, WROTE IT. THEY GAVE HIM MOLTO DINERO TO DO

BENCHLEY, WROTE IT. THEY GAVE HIM MOLTO DINERO TO DO IT AGAIN.

THEY GAVE HIM MOLTO DINERO TO DO IT AGAIN. ANYWAY, I HAVEN'T SEEN THE FILM

IT AGAIN. ANYWAY, I HAVEN'T SEEN THE FILM YET.

ANYWAY, I HAVEN'T SEEN THE FILM YET. I WENT TO THE SCREENING.

YET. I WENT TO THE SCREENING. THEY USUALLY START LATE, MY DATE

I WENT TO THE SCREENING. THEY USUALLY START LATE, MY DATE WAS DRUNK... I ARRIVED LATER

THEY USUALLY START LATE, MY DATE WAS DRUNK... I ARRIVED LATER THAN USUAL AND MISSED THE WHOLE

WAS DRUNK... I ARRIVED LATER THAN USUAL AND MISSED THE WHOLE THING, BUT I ASKED SOME FRIENDS

THAN USUAL AND MISSED THE WHOLE THING, BUT I ASKED SOME FRIENDS ABOUT IT, AND THEY SAID, "WELL,

THING, BUT I ASKED SOME FRIENDS ABOUT IT, AND THEY SAID, "WELL, JACQUELINE BISSET LOOKS GREAT."

ABOUT IT, AND THEY SAID, "WELL, JACQUELINE BISSET LOOKS GREAT." WELL, YOU KNOW, WHEN I THINK OF

JACQUELINE BISSET LOOKS GREAT." WELL, YOU KNOW, WHEN I THINK OF MYSELF, I THINK OF A GUY WITH NO

WELL, YOU KNOW, WHEN I THINK OF MYSELF, I THINK OF A GUY WITH NO PRECONCEPTIONS, AND I LOVE THAT

MYSELF, I THINK OF A GUY WITH NO PRECONCEPTIONS, AND I LOVE THAT ABOUT MYSELF.

PRECONCEPTIONS, AND I LOVE THAT ABOUT MYSELF. I LOVE THAT... I DO.

ABOUT MYSELF. I LOVE THAT... I DO. WHEN MOVIE TASTE IS INVOLVED,

I LOVE THAT... I DO. WHEN MOVIE TASTE IS INVOLVED, YOU JUST CAN'T TRUST ANYBODY.

WHEN MOVIE TASTE IS INVOLVED, YOU JUST CAN'T TRUST ANYBODY. SO I'M GOING TO SCREEN A CLIP OF

YOU JUST CAN'T TRUST ANYBODY. SO I'M GOING TO SCREEN A CLIP OF THE MOVIE RIGHT NOW AND THEN

SO I'M GOING TO SCREEN A CLIP OF THE MOVIE RIGHT NOW AND THEN TELL YOU EXACTLY WHAT I THINK.

THE MOVIE RIGHT NOW AND THEN TELL YOU EXACTLY WHAT I THINK. CAN WE ROLL THAT TAPE, DAVE?

OF COURSE NICK NOLTE... THERE HE IS... OH, THERE'S JACKIE. SHE LOOKS TERRIFIC.

IS... OH, THERE'S JACKIE. SHE LOOKS TERRIFIC. THEY SAY ON THE SET THAT SHE WAS

SHE LOOKS TERRIFIC. THEY SAY ON THE SET THAT SHE WAS TERRIFIC WITH THE ANIMALS, AND

THEY SAY ON THE SET THAT SHE WAS TERRIFIC WITH THE ANIMALS, AND LOOK HOW CLOSE THEY GET TO HER.

TERRIFIC WITH THE ANIMALS, AND LOOK HOW CLOSE THEY GET TO HER. BONSOIR.

LOOK HOW CLOSE THEY GET TO HER. BONSOIR. IT'S NICK.

BONSOIR. IT'S NICK. ROBERT SHAW.

IT'S NICK. ROBERT SHAW. HMM.

ROBERT SHAW. HMM. NICK NOLTE, LOSE THE MUSTACHE,

HMM. NICK NOLTE, LOSE THE MUSTACHE, OKAY?

NICK NOLTE, LOSE THE MUSTACHE, OKAY? LOSE IT, TOTALLY.

OKAY? LOSE IT, TOTALLY. I MEAN, WHO ARE YOU KIDDING?

LOSE IT, TOTALLY. I MEAN, WHO ARE YOU KIDDING? YOU LOOK LIKE A DENVER COP.

I MEAN, WHO ARE YOU KIDDING? YOU LOOK LIKE A DENVER COP. COME ON.

YOU LOOK LIKE A DENVER COP. COME ON. GIVE ME ONE BREAK, PLEASE.

COME ON. GIVE ME ONE BREAK, PLEASE. THAT'S NOT THE NICK NOLTE I KNOW

GIVE ME ONE BREAK, PLEASE. THAT'S NOT THE NICK NOLTE I KNOW AND I LOVED IN

THAT'S NOT THE NICK NOLTE I KNOW AND I LOVED IN "RICH MAN, POOR MAN."

AND I LOVED IN "RICH MAN, POOR MAN." NOW, DON'T GET ME WRONG AND MOAN

"RICH MAN, POOR MAN." NOW, DON'T GET ME WRONG AND MOAN ABOUT IT AND CALL ME UP.

NOW, DON'T GET ME WRONG AND MOAN ABOUT IT AND CALL ME UP. I'M SORRY, NICK.

ABOUT IT AND CALL ME UP. I'M SORRY, NICK. THAT'S THE WAY I FEEL.

I'M SORRY, NICK. THAT'S THE WAY I FEEL. GET OUT OF HERE... I MEAN IT.

THAT'S THE WAY I FEEL. GET OUT OF HERE... I MEAN IT. ROBERT SHAW.

GET OUT OF HERE... I MEAN IT. ROBERT SHAW. YOU DISTURB ME, ROBERT.

ROBERT SHAW. YOU DISTURB ME, ROBERT. YOU REALLY DO.

YOU DISTURB ME, ROBERT. YOU REALLY DO. I USED TO LOVE YOU, AND I DON'T

YOU REALLY DO. I USED TO LOVE YOU, AND I DON'T THINK THERE'S ANYONE WHO'S MORE

I USED TO LOVE YOU, AND I DON'T THINK THERE'S ANYONE WHO'S MORE RESPECTED IN THE ENTIRE

THINK THERE'S ANYONE WHO'S MORE RESPECTED IN THE ENTIRE INDUSTRY, BUT THE ACCENT... I

RESPECTED IN THE ENTIRE INDUSTRY, BUT THE ACCENT... I MEAN, WHAT ARE YOU?

INDUSTRY, BUT THE ACCENT... I MEAN, WHAT ARE YOU? ARE YOU SCOTCH, ENGLISH, IRISH?

MEAN, WHAT ARE YOU? ARE YOU SCOTCH, ENGLISH, IRISH? YOU ALWAYS SOUND LIKE YOU'RE

ARE YOU SCOTCH, ENGLISH, IRISH? YOU ALWAYS SOUND LIKE YOU'RE SELLING LUCKY STARS OR

YOU ALWAYS SOUND LIKE YOU'RE SELLING LUCKY STARS OR SOMETHING... IRISH SPRING.

SELLING LUCKY STARS OR SOMETHING... IRISH SPRING. NOW, FIX THAT UP, WILL YOU

SOMETHING... IRISH SPRING. NOW, FIX THAT UP, WILL YOU PLEASE, HUH, AND REGAIN MY

NOW, FIX THAT UP, WILL YOU PLEASE, HUH, AND REGAIN MY RESPECT, PLEASE?

PLEASE, HUH, AND REGAIN MY RESPECT, PLEASE? THANK YOU.

RESPECT, PLEASE? THANK YOU. JACKIE BISSET, YOUR TIME HAS

THANK YOU. JACKIE BISSET, YOUR TIME HAS COME, GIRL.

JACKIE BISSET, YOUR TIME HAS COME, GIRL. YOUR CHARM AND BODY FILLED THE

COME, GIRL. YOUR CHARM AND BODY FILLED THE ENTIRE SCREEN, BUT YOU'VE GOT TO

YOUR CHARM AND BODY FILLED THE ENTIRE SCREEN, BUT YOU'VE GOT TO STOP DOING THIS STUFF THAT

ENTIRE SCREEN, BUT YOU'VE GOT TO STOP DOING THIS STUFF THAT DOESN'T STRETCH YOU AS AN

STOP DOING THIS STUFF THAT DOESN'T STRETCH YOU AS AN ACTRESS.

DOESN'T STRETCH YOU AS AN ACTRESS. NOW, YOU CAN BE A SUCCESS,

ACTRESS. NOW, YOU CAN BE A SUCCESS, HONEY, IF YOU LOOK OUT FOR

NOW, YOU CAN BE A SUCCESS, HONEY, IF YOU LOOK OUT FOR JACKIE BISSET.

HONEY, IF YOU LOOK OUT FOR JACKIE BISSET. NOW, DON'T LET ANY OF THESE

JACKIE BISSET. NOW, DON'T LET ANY OF THESE LITTLE-MINDED PEOPLE TRY TO MAKE

NOW, DON'T LET ANY OF THESE LITTLE-MINDED PEOPLE TRY TO MAKE YOU WHAT YOU'RE NOT.

LITTLE-MINDED PEOPLE TRY TO MAKE YOU WHAT YOU'RE NOT. YOU'RE YOU.

YOU WHAT YOU'RE NOT. YOU'RE YOU. BE IT... JUST BE JACKIE.

YOU'RE YOU. BE IT... JUST BE JACKIE. WE LOVE JACKIE.

BE IT... JUST BE JACKIE. WE LOVE JACKIE. BE IT.

WE LOVE JACKIE. BE IT. OKAY, THAT'S MY FIRST REVIEW OF

BE IT. OKAY, THAT'S MY FIRST REVIEW OF THE SEASON.

OKAY, THAT'S MY FIRST REVIEW OF THE SEASON. IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT, I'M SORRY,

THE SEASON. IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT, I'M SORRY, BUT THAT'S THE WAY I FEEL.

IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT, I'M SORRY, BUT THAT'S THE WAY I FEEL. NOW GET OUT OF HERE... I MEAN

BUT THAT'S THE WAY I FEEL. NOW GET OUT OF HERE... I MEAN IT.

NOW GET OUT OF HERE... I MEAN IT. THIS IS BILL MURRAY FOR

IT. THIS IS BILL MURRAY FOR "WEEKEND UPDATE" THROWING OVER

THIS IS BILL MURRAY FOR "WEEKEND UPDATE" THROWING OVER TO MY BUDDY ON THE SPORTS DESK,

"WEEKEND UPDATE" THROWING OVER TO MY BUDDY ON THE SPORTS DESK, GARRETT MORRIS.

TO MY BUDDY ON THE SPORTS DESK, GARRETT MORRIS. GET OUT OF HERE, GARRETT.

GARRETT MORRIS. GET OUT OF HERE, GARRETT. GREAT, BILL.

GET OUT OF HERE, GARRETT. GREAT, BILL. [APPLAUSE]

GREAT, BILL. [APPLAUSE] GREAT... REALLY GREAT, BILL.

[APPLAUSE] GREAT... REALLY GREAT, BILL. THIS THURSDAY, MUHAMMAD ALI

GREAT... REALLY GREAT, BILL. THIS THURSDAY, MUHAMMAD ALI DEFENDS HIS TITLE AGAINST

THIS THURSDAY, MUHAMMAD ALI DEFENDS HIS TITLE AGAINST EARNIE SHAVERS, AND ALTHOUGH

DEFENDS HIS TITLE AGAINST EARNIE SHAVERS, AND ALTHOUGH PEOPLE SAY THAT ALI IS OUT OF

EARNIE SHAVERS, AND ALTHOUGH PEOPLE SAY THAT ALI IS OUT OF SHAPE, I STILL PICK THE CHAMP TO

PEOPLE SAY THAT ALI IS OUT OF SHAPE, I STILL PICK THE CHAMP TO WIN.

SHAPE, I STILL PICK THE CHAMP TO WIN. ESPECIALLY AFTER THIS MISHAP

WIN. ESPECIALLY AFTER THIS MISHAP THIS WEEK WHEN SHAVERS' SPARRING

ESPECIALLY AFTER THIS MISHAP THIS WEEK WHEN SHAVERS' SPARRING PARTNER HIT HIM SO HARD THAT IT

THIS WEEK WHEN SHAVERS' SPARRING PARTNER HIT HIM SO HARD THAT IT KNOCKED EARNIE'S BRAIN THROUGH

PARTNER HIT HIM SO HARD THAT IT KNOCKED EARNIE'S BRAIN THROUGH HIS HELMET.

KNOCKED EARNIE'S BRAIN THROUGH HIS HELMET. NOW, IN FIGHT CIRCLES, AN

HIS HELMET. NOW, IN FIGHT CIRCLES, AN EXPOSED BRAIN IS CONSIDERED A

NOW, IN FIGHT CIRCLES, AN EXPOSED BRAIN IS CONSIDERED A DISADVANTAGE.

EXPOSED BRAIN IS CONSIDERED A DISADVANTAGE. AND TWO WEEKS AGO, HANK AARON'S

DISADVANTAGE. AND TWO WEEKS AGO, HANK AARON'S HOME-RUN RECORD WAS BROKEN BY

AND TWO WEEKS AGO, HANK AARON'S HOME-RUN RECORD WAS BROKEN BY SADAHARU OH... A JAPANESE

HOME-RUN RECORD WAS BROKEN BY SADAHARU OH... A JAPANESE PLAYER WITH THE TOKYO GIANTS.

SADAHARU OH... A JAPANESE PLAYER WITH THE TOKYO GIANTS. AND WE HAVE A TAPE OF THAT

PLAYER WITH THE TOKYO GIANTS. AND WE HAVE A TAPE OF THAT HISTORIC OCCASION.

AND WE HAVE A TAPE OF THAT HISTORIC OCCASION. THERE'S THE SHOT.

HISTORIC OCCASION. THERE'S THE SHOT. NOW, IT LOOKS LIKE A 100-FOOT

THERE'S THE SHOT. NOW, IT LOOKS LIKE A 100-FOOT HOMER, DOESN'T IT?

NOW, IT LOOKS LIKE A 100-FOOT HOMER, DOESN'T IT? BUT ACTUALLY THAT FENCE WAS A

HOMER, DOESN'T IT? BUT ACTUALLY THAT FENCE WAS A LITTLE OVER 60 FEET.

BUT ACTUALLY THAT FENCE WAS A LITTLE OVER 60 FEET. YOU SEE, EVERYTHING IS SMALLER

LITTLE OVER 60 FEET. YOU SEE, EVERYTHING IS SMALLER OVER THERE... I'VE BEEN OVER

YOU SEE, EVERYTHING IS SMALLER OVER THERE... I'VE BEEN OVER THERE... AND THE BASES LOOK LIKE

OVER THERE... I'VE BEEN OVER THERE... AND THE BASES LOOK LIKE LITTLE BEAN BAGS, AND THEN THEY

THERE... AND THE BASES LOOK LIKE LITTLE BEAN BAGS, AND THEN THEY USE THIS LITTLE TINY BALL,

LITTLE BEAN BAGS, AND THEN THEY USE THIS LITTLE TINY BALL, ALMOST LIKE A GOLF BALL, YOU

USE THIS LITTLE TINY BALL, ALMOST LIKE A GOLF BALL, YOU KNOW.

ALMOST LIKE A GOLF BALL, YOU KNOW. YEAH, I THINK THE MAN'S GONNA

KNOW. YEAH, I THINK THE MAN'S GONNA DO THE SPEECH NOW.

YEAH, I THINK THE MAN'S GONNA DO THE SPEECH NOW. THE BALLS ARE MUCH LIVELIER OVER

DO THE SPEECH NOW. THE BALLS ARE MUCH LIVELIER OVER THERE, TOO... REMEMBER THAT.

THE BALLS ARE MUCH LIVELIER OVER THERE, TOO... REMEMBER THAT. HERE HE COMES.

AND THAT'S THE SPORTS. BACK TO YOU, DAN. OKAY, GARRETT.

BACK TO YOU, DAN. OKAY, GARRETT. THANKS... THANKS A LOT.

OKAY, GARRETT. THANKS... THANKS A LOT. IN A SETTLEMENT REACHED THIS

THANKS... THANKS A LOT. IN A SETTLEMENT REACHED THIS WEEK, JACQUELINE ONASSIS WILL

IN A SETTLEMENT REACHED THIS WEEK, JACQUELINE ONASSIS WILL RECEIVE $26 MILLION FROM HER

WEEK, JACQUELINE ONASSIS WILL RECEIVE $26 MILLION FROM HER LATE HUSBAND'S ESTATE WITH THE

RECEIVE $26 MILLION FROM HER LATE HUSBAND'S ESTATE WITH THE FOLLOWING CONDITIONS... SHE WILL

LATE HUSBAND'S ESTATE WITH THE FOLLOWING CONDITIONS... SHE WILL BREAK ALL TIES WITH THE FAMILY,

FOLLOWING CONDITIONS... SHE WILL BREAK ALL TIES WITH THE FAMILY, SHE WILL DROP ALL FURTHER

BREAK ALL TIES WITH THE FAMILY, SHE WILL DROP ALL FURTHER CLAIMS, AND SHE WILL RETURN

SHE WILL DROP ALL FURTHER CLAIMS, AND SHE WILL RETURN MR. ONASSIS' BODY.

CLAIMS, AND SHE WILL RETURN MR. ONASSIS' BODY. "UPDATE" CORRESPONDENT

MR. ONASSIS' BODY. "UPDATE" CORRESPONDENT JOHN BELUSHI HAS JUST RETURNED

"UPDATE" CORRESPONDENT JOHN BELUSHI HAS JUST RETURNED FROM A TRIP TO DURANGO, MEXICO,

JOHN BELUSHI HAS JUST RETURNED FROM A TRIP TO DURANGO, MEXICO, AND HE HAS THIS REPORT FOR US.

FROM A TRIP TO DURANGO, MEXICO, AND HE HAS THIS REPORT FOR US. JOHN.

THANK YOU, JANEY.

YOU KNOW, EVERY YEAR

"WEEKEND UPDATE" AWARDS A

SCHOLARSHIP TO A WORTHY STUDENT

FROM ANOTHER COUNTRY WHO SHOWS,

IN OUR OPINION, PROMISE IN THE

FIELD OF JOURNALISM.

IT'S A $2,500 AWARD, WHICH IS COMPRISED OF CONTRIBUTIONS COLLECTED FROM THE MEMBERS OF

COMPRISED OF CONTRIBUTIONS COLLECTED FROM THE MEMBERS OF OUR OWN "UPDATE" NEWS TEAM.

COLLECTED FROM THE MEMBERS OF OUR OWN "UPDATE" NEWS TEAM. FERRETING OUT THE PROPER

OUR OWN "UPDATE" NEWS TEAM. FERRETING OUT THE PROPER RECIPIENT IS A TOUGH TASK

FERRETING OUT THE PROPER RECIPIENT IS A TOUGH TASK INDEED, AND THIS YEAR FOUND ME

RECIPIENT IS A TOUGH TASK INDEED, AND THIS YEAR FOUND ME SOUTH OF THE BORDER IN BEAUTIFUL

INDEED, AND THIS YEAR FOUND ME SOUTH OF THE BORDER IN BEAUTIFUL DURANGO, MEXICO, WHICH IS

SOUTH OF THE BORDER IN BEAUTIFUL DURANGO, MEXICO, WHICH IS LOCATED ABOUT 800 MILES SOUTH OF

DURANGO, MEXICO, WHICH IS LOCATED ABOUT 800 MILES SOUTH OF EL PASO.

LOCATED ABOUT 800 MILES SOUTH OF EL PASO. HERE I AM... THAT'S BEAUTIFUL

EL PASO. HERE I AM... THAT'S BEAUTIFUL WATERFALLS THERE.

HERE I AM... THAT'S BEAUTIFUL WATERFALLS THERE. AND THAT'S DURANGO... THERE IS

WATERFALLS THERE. AND THAT'S DURANGO... THERE IS FATHER CHUCHU MARIN, HEADMASTER

AND THAT'S DURANGO... THERE IS FATHER CHUCHU MARIN, HEADMASTER OF THE DURANGO SCHOOL FOR BOYS.

FATHER CHUCHU MARIN, HEADMASTER OF THE DURANGO SCHOOL FOR BOYS. HE RECOMMENDED A HANDFUL OF

OF THE DURANGO SCHOOL FOR BOYS. HE RECOMMENDED A HANDFUL OF YOUNGSTERS WHO HE DEEMED WORTHY

HE RECOMMENDED A HANDFUL OF YOUNGSTERS WHO HE DEEMED WORTHY OF THE SCHOLARSHIP.

YOUNGSTERS WHO HE DEEMED WORTHY OF THE SCHOLARSHIP. THERE'S SOME OF THEM.

OF THE SCHOLARSHIP. THERE'S SOME OF THEM. WHO TO CHOOSE?

THERE'S SOME OF THEM. WHO TO CHOOSE? THAT WAS THE HARD PART.

WHO TO CHOOSE? THAT WAS THE HARD PART. UNTIL I MET CARLOS SANTANGELO,

THAT WAS THE HARD PART. UNTIL I MET CARLOS SANTANGELO, AN 18-YEAR-OLD STUDENT, AND I

UNTIL I MET CARLOS SANTANGELO, AN 18-YEAR-OLD STUDENT, AND I IMMEDIATELY KNEW THAT I HAD

AN 18-YEAR-OLD STUDENT, AND I IMMEDIATELY KNEW THAT I HAD FINALLY CONNECTED WITH THE BEST

IMMEDIATELY KNEW THAT I HAD FINALLY CONNECTED WITH THE BEST CANDIDATE FOR THE SCHOLARSHIP.

FINALLY CONNECTED WITH THE BEST CANDIDATE FOR THE SCHOLARSHIP. THOUGH OTHER STUDENTS HAD BETTER

CANDIDATE FOR THE SCHOLARSHIP. THOUGH OTHER STUDENTS HAD BETTER GRADES AND MORE JOURNALISTIC

THOUGH OTHER STUDENTS HAD BETTER GRADES AND MORE JOURNALISTIC PROMISE THAN THE ILLITERATE

GRADES AND MORE JOURNALISTIC PROMISE THAN THE ILLITERATE CARLOS, I CHOSE HIM BECAUSE I

PROMISE THAN THE ILLITERATE CARLOS, I CHOSE HIM BECAUSE I DISCOVERED THAT HE HAD SOME

CARLOS, I CHOSE HIM BECAUSE I DISCOVERED THAT HE HAD SOME CONNECTIONS OF HIS OWN.

HERE I AM... HERE I AM MAKING THE OFFICIAL PRESENTATION TO AWARD WINNER, CARLOS SANTANGELO.

THE OFFICIAL PRESENTATION TO AWARD WINNER, CARLOS SANTANGELO. SO, SPECIAL CONSIDERATION TO

AWARD WINNER, CARLOS SANTANGELO. SO, SPECIAL CONSIDERATION TO NEXT YEAR'S AWARD WILL BE GIVEN

SO, SPECIAL CONSIDERATION TO NEXT YEAR'S AWARD WILL BE GIVEN TO WORTHY STUDENTS WHO ATTEND

NEXT YEAR'S AWARD WILL BE GIVEN TO WORTHY STUDENTS WHO ATTEND SCHOOL IN BOGOTA, COLUMBIA.

TO WORTHY STUDENTS WHO ATTEND SCHOOL IN BOGOTA, COLUMBIA. OKAY, JANE.

SCHOOL IN BOGOTA, COLUMBIA. OKAY, JANE. I THINK WE ALL BENEFITED FROM

OKAY, JANE. I THINK WE ALL BENEFITED FROM THAT LITTLE TRIP, DIDN'T WE?

I THINK WE ALL BENEFITED FROM THAT LITTLE TRIP, DIDN'T WE? I THINK WE ALL DID, JOHN.

THAT LITTLE TRIP, DIDN'T WE? I THINK WE ALL DID, JOHN. ENTERTAINER SAMMY DAVIS JR., IN

I THINK WE ALL DID, JOHN. ENTERTAINER SAMMY DAVIS JR., IN AN EFFORT TO CUT DOWN ON

ENTERTAINER SAMMY DAVIS JR., IN AN EFFORT TO CUT DOWN ON EXPENSES, HAS GOTTEN RID OF HIS

AN EFFORT TO CUT DOWN ON EXPENSES, HAS GOTTEN RID OF HIS LIMOUSINE.

EXPENSES, HAS GOTTEN RID OF HIS LIMOUSINE. HOWEVER, HE HAS KEPT HIS

LIMOUSINE. HOWEVER, HE HAS KEPT HIS CHAUFFEUR, SHOWN HERE DELIVERING

HOWEVER, HE HAS KEPT HIS CHAUFFEUR, SHOWN HERE DELIVERING DAVIS TO A NIGHTCLUB ENGAGEMENT.

CHAUFFEUR, SHOWN HERE DELIVERING DAVIS TO A NIGHTCLUB ENGAGEMENT. THIS JUST IN... IN A DARING

DAVIS TO A NIGHTCLUB ENGAGEMENT. THIS JUST IN... IN A DARING MIDNIGHT RAID, THE HOUSTON

THIS JUST IN... IN A DARING MIDNIGHT RAID, THE HOUSTON POLICE FORCE HAS ARRESTED THE

MIDNIGHT RAID, THE HOUSTON POLICE FORCE HAS ARRESTED THE PHILADELPHIA POLICE FORCE.

POLICE FORCE HAS ARRESTED THE PHILADELPHIA POLICE FORCE. DURING THE LANCE HEARINGS,

DURING THE LANCE HEARINGS, SENATOR CHARLES PERCY OF

SENATOR CHARLES PERCY OF ILLINOIS INACCURATELY ACCUSED

ILLINOIS INACCURATELY ACCUSED BERT LANCE OF TAX FRAUD AND

BERT LANCE OF TAX FRAUD AND EMBEZZLEMENT.

EMBEZZLEMENT. PERCY LATER APOLOGIZED, SAYING

PERCY LATER APOLOGIZED, SAYING THAT ANYONE CAN MAKE A MISTAKE.

THAT ANYONE CAN MAKE A MISTAKE. WELL, THIS STORY HAS JUST COME

WELL, THIS STORY HAS JUST COME IN.

IN. IN 1946, WHILE IN THE NAVY,

IN 1946, WHILE IN THE NAVY, PERCY HAD SEX WITH A POLAR BEAR.

PERCY HAD SEX WITH A POLAR BEAR. UM, WAIT A MINUTE, DANNY. WE JUST HAD THE REPORT THAT THAT

UM, WAIT A MINUTE, DANNY. WE JUST HAD THE REPORT THAT THAT STORY IS INACCURATE, BUT WE DO

WE JUST HAD THE REPORT THAT THAT STORY IS INACCURATE, BUT WE DO HAVE THIS FROM ONE OF OUR

STORY IS INACCURATE, BUT WE DO HAVE THIS FROM ONE OF OUR SOURCES.

HAVE THIS FROM ONE OF OUR SOURCES. IN 1972, PERCY PERSONALLY

SOURCES. IN 1972, PERCY PERSONALLY ORDERED THE ASSASSINATION OF

IN 1972, PERCY PERSONALLY ORDERED THE ASSASSINATION OF BASEBALL PLAYER

ORDERED THE ASSASSINATION OF BASEBALL PLAYER ROBERTO CLEMENTE.

BASEBALL PLAYER ROBERTO CLEMENTE. THIS BULLETIN HAS JUST COME

ROBERTO CLEMENTE. THIS BULLETIN HAS JUST COME IN, JANE.

THIS BULLETIN HAS JUST COME IN, JANE. THAT LAST STORY IS IN FACT

IN, JANE. THAT LAST STORY IS IN FACT INACCURATE, BUT WE DO HAVE

THAT LAST STORY IS IN FACT INACCURATE, BUT WE DO HAVE INFORMATION THAT IN 1957, PERCY

INACCURATE, BUT WE DO HAVE INFORMATION THAT IN 1957, PERCY ORDERED THE ASSASSINATION OF A

INFORMATION THAT IN 1957, PERCY ORDERED THE ASSASSINATION OF A POLAR BEAR WHILE HAVING SEX WITH

ORDERED THE ASSASSINATION OF A POLAR BEAR WHILE HAVING SEX WITH ROBERTO CLEMENTE.

POLAR BEAR WHILE HAVING SEX WITH ROBERTO CLEMENTE. MORE ON THAT STORY WHEN WE GET

ROBERTO CLEMENTE. MORE ON THAT STORY WHEN WE GET SOME OF THE FACTS.

MORE ON THAT STORY WHEN WE GET SOME OF THE FACTS. WOULD SOMEONE CHECK THAT OUT?

SOME OF THE FACTS. WOULD SOMEONE CHECK THAT OUT? WELL, THAT'S THE NEWS.

WOULD SOMEONE CHECK THAT OUT? WELL, THAT'S THE NEWS. I'M JANE CURTIN.

WELL, THAT'S THE NEWS. I'M JANE CURTIN. AND DAN AYKROYD.

I'M JANE CURTIN. AND DAN AYKROYD. GOOD NIGHT AND HAVE A

AND DAN AYKROYD. GOOD NIGHT AND HAVE A PLEASANT TOMORROW.

GOOD NIGHT AND HAVE A PLEASANT TOMORROW. Announcer: "WEEKEND UPDATE"

PLEASANT TOMORROW. Announcer: "WEEKEND UPDATE" IS A PRESENTATION OF

Announcer: "WEEKEND UPDATE" IS A PRESENTATION OF "SATURDAY NIGHT" NEWS.

IS A PRESENTATION OF "SATURDAY NIGHT" NEWS. KEEPING AMERICA INFORMED FOR

"SATURDAY NIGHT" NEWS. KEEPING AMERICA INFORMED FOR OVER 1/50 OF A CENTURY.

GENTLEMEN, GENTLEMEN, GENTLEMEN, PLEASE. ONE MORE OUTBURST LIKE THAT, AND

GENTLEMEN, PLEASE. ONE MORE OUTBURST LIKE THAT, AND I'LL HAVE THIS CLOAKROOM

ONE MORE OUTBURST LIKE THAT, AND I'LL HAVE THIS CLOAKROOM CLEANED.

I'LL HAVE THIS CLOAKROOM CLEANED. CONTINUE, COUNSELOR.

CLEANED. CONTINUE, COUNSELOR. MISS KAZURSKY, YOU WERE

CONTINUE, COUNSELOR. MISS KAZURSKY, YOU WERE TELLING THE COURT THAT MY

MISS KAZURSKY, YOU WERE TELLING THE COURT THAT MY CLIENT, WHO HAS NO PREVIOUS

TELLING THE COURT THAT MY CLIENT, WHO HAS NO PREVIOUS RECORD OF SEX OFFENSES, WALKED

CLIENT, WHO HAS NO PREVIOUS RECORD OF SEX OFFENSES, WALKED UP TWO FLIGHTS OF STAIRS, PICKED

RECORD OF SEX OFFENSES, WALKED UP TWO FLIGHTS OF STAIRS, PICKED OUT YOUR APARTMENT, LURED YOU

UP TWO FLIGHTS OF STAIRS, PICKED OUT YOUR APARTMENT, LURED YOU INTO OPENING THE DOOR, AND THEN

OUT YOUR APARTMENT, LURED YOU INTO OPENING THE DOOR, AND THEN FORCIBLY RAPED YOU?!

INTO OPENING THE DOOR, AND THEN FORCIBLY RAPED YOU?! YES!

Announcer: AND NOW IT'S TIME

FOR ANOTHER LAW ADVENTURE

WITH...

MISS KAZURSKY, WHAT WERE YOU WEARING WHEN YOU OPENED THAT DOOR?

WEARING WHEN YOU OPENED THAT DOOR? MY FLANNEL NIGHTGOWN.

DOOR? MY FLANNEL NIGHTGOWN. AH.

MY FLANNEL NIGHTGOWN. AH. AND WHAT WERE YOU DOING IN A

AH. AND WHAT WERE YOU DOING IN A FLANNEL NIGHTIE AT 4:00 IN THE

AND WHAT WERE YOU DOING IN A FLANNEL NIGHTIE AT 4:00 IN THE AFTERNOON?

FLANNEL NIGHTIE AT 4:00 IN THE AFTERNOON? WELL, I-I WAS TAKING A BATH,

AFTERNOON? WELL, I-I WAS TAKING A BATH, AND I HEARD A KNOCK AT THE DOOR.

WELL, I-I WAS TAKING A BATH, AND I HEARD A KNOCK AT THE DOOR. AH. I SEE.

AND I HEARD A KNOCK AT THE DOOR. AH. I SEE. YOU HEAR A KNOCK AT THE DOOR, SO

AH. I SEE. YOU HEAR A KNOCK AT THE DOOR, SO YOU STAND UP, STARK-NAKED, THE

YOU HEAR A KNOCK AT THE DOOR, SO YOU STAND UP, STARK-NAKED, THE WATER AND SOAPSUDS GLISTENING

YOU STAND UP, STARK-NAKED, THE WATER AND SOAPSUDS GLISTENING ON YOUR SUPPLE BREAST.

WATER AND SOAPSUDS GLISTENING ON YOUR SUPPLE BREAST. QUICKLY, YOU RUB YOURSELF WITH A

ON YOUR SUPPLE BREAST. QUICKLY, YOU RUB YOURSELF WITH A TOWEL, THEN DANCE ACROSS THE

QUICKLY, YOU RUB YOURSELF WITH A TOWEL, THEN DANCE ACROSS THE ROOM, YOUR NIPPLES HARDENING IN

TOWEL, THEN DANCE ACROSS THE ROOM, YOUR NIPPLES HARDENING IN THE BREEZE.

ROOM, YOUR NIPPLES HARDENING IN THE BREEZE. SLIPPING ON A SOFT, FLIMSY

THE BREEZE. SLIPPING ON A SOFT, FLIMSY NEGLIGEE, YOU RUN TO THE DOOR

SLIPPING ON A SOFT, FLIMSY NEGLIGEE, YOU RUN TO THE DOOR AND OPEN IT IN ANTICIPATION.

NEGLIGEE, YOU RUN TO THE DOOR AND OPEN IT IN ANTICIPATION. IS THAT CORRECT?!

AND OPEN IT IN ANTICIPATION. IS THAT CORRECT?! WHA... WELL, SORT OF.

IS THAT CORRECT?! WHA... WELL, SORT OF. I-I...

WHA... WELL, SORT OF. I-I... MISS KAZURSKY, IS IT NOT

I-I... MISS KAZURSKY, IS IT NOT TRUE THAT IN 1971 YOU WERE...

MISS KAZURSKY, IS IT NOT TRUE THAT IN 1971 YOU WERE... DIVORCED?

TRUE THAT IN 1971 YOU WERE... DIVORCED? [JURY MURMURS]

DIVORCED? [JURY MURMURS] YES, B-BUT I DON'T SEE WHERE

[JURY MURMURS] YES, B-BUT I DON'T SEE WHERE THAT HAS ANYTHING TO DO WITH...

YES, B-BUT I DON'T SEE WHERE THAT HAS ANYTHING TO DO WITH... NOW, MISS KAZURSKY, REMEMBER

THAT HAS ANYTHING TO DO WITH... NOW, MISS KAZURSKY, REMEMBER YOU ARE UNDER OATH.

NOW, MISS KAZURSKY, REMEMBER YOU ARE UNDER OATH. IN THE LAST SIX YEARS, HAVE YOU

YOU ARE UNDER OATH. IN THE LAST SIX YEARS, HAVE YOU HAD SEX?

IN THE LAST SIX YEARS, HAVE YOU HAD SEX? WELL, I-I'M 35 YEARS OLD.

HAD SEX? WELL, I-I'M 35 YEARS OLD. JUST ANSWER THE QUESTION!

WELL, I-I'M 35 YEARS OLD. JUST ANSWER THE QUESTION! YES OR NO?

JUST ANSWER THE QUESTION! YES OR NO? WELL, YES.

YES OR NO? WELL, YES. HOW MANY TIMES,

WELL, YES. HOW MANY TIMES, MISS KAZURSKY?

HOW MANY TIMES, MISS KAZURSKY? WELL, I-I, UH...

MISS KAZURSKY? WELL, I-I, UH... OBJECTION, YOUR HONOR.

WELL, I-I, UH... OBJECTION, YOUR HONOR. MR. McMACK IS PURSUING AN

OBJECTION, YOUR HONOR. MR. McMACK IS PURSUING AN IRRELEVANT LINE OF QUESTIONING.

MR. McMACK IS PURSUING AN IRRELEVANT LINE OF QUESTIONING. YOUR HONOR, WHAT MY

IRRELEVANT LINE OF QUESTIONING. YOUR HONOR, WHAT MY DISTINGUISHED COLLEAGUE DOES NOT

YOUR HONOR, WHAT MY DISTINGUISHED COLLEAGUE DOES NOT UNDERSTAND IS THAT WHAT I AM

DISTINGUISHED COLLEAGUE DOES NOT UNDERSTAND IS THAT WHAT I AM TRYING TO DO IS ESTABLISH, IN A

UNDERSTAND IS THAT WHAT I AM TRYING TO DO IS ESTABLISH, IN A LOGICAL, COHERENT MANNER, THAT

TRYING TO DO IS ESTABLISH, IN A LOGICAL, COHERENT MANNER, THAT THE WITNESS IS A CHEAP TRAMP!

LOGICAL, COHERENT MANNER, THAT THE WITNESS IS A CHEAP TRAMP! OH!

THE WITNESS IS A CHEAP TRAMP! OH! [GAVEL BANGS]

OH! [GAVEL BANGS] OBJECTION OVERRULED.

[GAVEL BANGS] OBJECTION OVERRULED. OH, JEEZ!

OBJECTION OVERRULED. OH, JEEZ! NOW, MISS KAZURSKY, HOW MANY

OH, JEEZ! NOW, MISS KAZURSKY, HOW MANY TIMES DID YOU HAVE SEX BETWEEN

NOW, MISS KAZURSKY, HOW MANY TIMES DID YOU HAVE SEX BETWEEN 1971 AND LAST NIGHT?

TIMES DID YOU HAVE SEX BETWEEN 1971 AND LAST NIGHT? 38.

1971 AND LAST NIGHT? 38. 38.

38. 38. GENTLEMEN OF THE JURY, 38.

38. GENTLEMEN OF THE JURY, 38. NOT FIVE.

GENTLEMEN OF THE JURY, 38. NOT FIVE. NOT SEVEN.

NOT FIVE. NOT SEVEN. 38.

NOT SEVEN. 38. AND DID YOU BRING THESE MEN TO

38. AND DID YOU BRING THESE MEN TO YOUR APARTMENT?

AND DID YOU BRING THESE MEN TO YOUR APARTMENT? IT WASN'T 38 MEN.

YOUR APARTMENT? IT WASN'T 38 MEN. IT WAS 38 TIMES.

IT WASN'T 38 MEN. IT WAS 38 TIMES. JUST ANSWER THE QUESTION.

IT WAS 38 TIMES. JUST ANSWER THE QUESTION. YES OR NO.

JUST ANSWER THE QUESTION. YES OR NO. DID YOU BRING THESE MEN TO YOUR

YES OR NO. DID YOU BRING THESE MEN TO YOUR APARTMENT?

DID YOU BRING THESE MEN TO YOUR APARTMENT? WELL, YES.

APARTMENT? WELL, YES. MISS KAZURSKY, IN 1965, WERE

WELL, YES. MISS KAZURSKY, IN 1965, WERE YOU INVOLVED IN A CIVIL RIGHTS

MISS KAZURSKY, IN 1965, WERE YOU INVOLVED IN A CIVIL RIGHTS ORGANIZATION?

YOU INVOLVED IN A CIVIL RIGHTS ORGANIZATION? OBJECTION!

ORGANIZATION? OBJECTION! OVERRULED.

OBJECTION! OVERRULED. OH, COME ON!

OVERRULED. OH, COME ON! [LAUGHS]

OH, COME ON! [LAUGHS] AND WHY DID YOU WORK THERE?

[LAUGHS] AND WHY DID YOU WORK THERE? I WANTED TO HELP BLACKS

AND WHY DID YOU WORK THERE? I WANTED TO HELP BLACKS REGISTER.

I WANTED TO HELP BLACKS REGISTER. YOU WANTED TO HELP THE BLACK

REGISTER. YOU WANTED TO HELP THE BLACK MAN.

YOU WANTED TO HELP THE BLACK MAN. I WANTED TO HELP...

MAN. I WANTED TO HELP... AND THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT WENT

I WANTED TO HELP... AND THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT WENT THROUGH YOUR MIND AS YOU OPENED

AND THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT WENT THROUGH YOUR MIND AS YOU OPENED THE DOOR IN THAT FLIMSY

THROUGH YOUR MIND AS YOU OPENED THE DOOR IN THAT FLIMSY NEGLIGEE!

THE DOOR IN THAT FLIMSY NEGLIGEE! OH, NO!

NEGLIGEE! OH, NO! I HAVE NO MORE QUESTIONS,

OH, NO! I HAVE NO MORE QUESTIONS, YOUR HONOR!

I HAVE NO MORE QUESTIONS, YOUR HONOR! NO MORE!

YOUR HONOR! NO MORE! ORDER, ORDER!

NO MORE! ORDER, ORDER! ORDER, GENTLEMEN.

ORDER, ORDER! ORDER, GENTLEMEN. I WILL NOT HAVE THIS CIRCUS TURN

ORDER, GENTLEMEN. I WILL NOT HAVE THIS CIRCUS TURN INTO A SHAM.

I WILL NOT HAVE THIS CIRCUS TURN INTO A SHAM. YOUR HONOR, THE WITNESS IS

INTO A SHAM. YOUR HONOR, THE WITNESS IS TOO EMOTIONALLY DISTURBED TO

YOUR HONOR, THE WITNESS IS TOO EMOTIONALLY DISTURBED TO CONTINUE.

TOO EMOTIONALLY DISTURBED TO CONTINUE. MAY I MOVE FOR A RECESS, PLEASE?

CONTINUE. MAY I MOVE FOR A RECESS, PLEASE? OKAY.

MAY I MOVE FOR A RECESS, PLEASE? OKAY. COURT WILL RECESS TILL TOMORROW

OKAY. COURT WILL RECESS TILL TOMORROW MORNING AT 9:00 A.M.

COURT WILL RECESS TILL TOMORROW MORNING AT 9:00 A.M. GOOD NIGHT, TOM.

MORNING AT 9:00 A.M. GOOD NIGHT, TOM. SEE YOU LATER, BILL.

GOOD NIGHT, TOM. SEE YOU LATER, BILL. [Sobbing] I CAN'T BELIEVE

SEE YOU LATER, BILL. [Sobbing] I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.

[Sobbing] I CAN'T BELIEVE IT. MISS KAZURSKY, I'M SORRY THAT

IT. MISS KAZURSKY, I'M SORRY THAT YOU WERE MADE TO FEEL AS IF YOU

MISS KAZURSKY, I'M SORRY THAT YOU WERE MADE TO FEEL AS IF YOU WERE ON TRIAL HERE INSTEAD OF

YOU WERE MADE TO FEEL AS IF YOU WERE ON TRIAL HERE INSTEAD OF THAT... THAT RAPIST.

WERE ON TRIAL HERE INSTEAD OF THAT... THAT RAPIST. OH, WELL, GET SOME SLEEP.

THAT... THAT RAPIST. OH, WELL, GET SOME SLEEP. I'LL SEE YOU IN THE MORNING,

OH, WELL, GET SOME SLEEP. I'LL SEE YOU IN THE MORNING, OKAY?

I'LL SEE YOU IN THE MORNING, OKAY? THANK YOU.

OKAY? THANK YOU. McMACK.

THANK YOU. McMACK. GREAT JOB.

McMACK. GREAT JOB. HEY, THANKS.

GREAT JOB. HEY, THANKS. YOU MADE ME LOOK LIKE AN

HEY, THANKS. YOU MADE ME LOOK LIKE AN AMATEUR OUT THERE.

YOU MADE ME LOOK LIKE AN AMATEUR OUT THERE. PART OF MY JOB.

AMATEUR OUT THERE. PART OF MY JOB. AND THE WAY YOU TURNED THE

PART OF MY JOB. AND THE WAY YOU TURNED THE RACE THING AROUND TO MAKE HER

AND THE WAY YOU TURNED THE RACE THING AROUND TO MAKE HER LOOK LIKE THE BAD GUY, JEEZ,

RACE THING AROUND TO MAKE HER LOOK LIKE THE BAD GUY, JEEZ, THAT WAS BRILLIANT.

LOOK LIKE THE BAD GUY, JEEZ, THAT WAS BRILLIANT. I'LL TELL YOU, MIKE, I'D GIVE

THAT WAS BRILLIANT. I'LL TELL YOU, MIKE, I'D GIVE ANYTHING TO BEAT YOU JUST ONCE.

I'LL TELL YOU, MIKE, I'D GIVE ANYTHING TO BEAT YOU JUST ONCE. HEY, MAYBE WHEN I GET A

ANYTHING TO BEAT YOU JUST ONCE. HEY, MAYBE WHEN I GET A CLIENT WHO ISN'T GUILTY.

HEY, MAYBE WHEN I GET A CLIENT WHO ISN'T GUILTY. OH, GET OUT OF HERE, YOU!

CLIENT WHO ISN'T GUILTY. OH, GET OUT OF HERE, YOU! [CONTINUES SOBBING]

OH, GET OUT OF HERE, YOU! [CONTINUES SOBBING] HEY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING

[CONTINUES SOBBING] HEY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING TONIGHT?

HEY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING TONIGHT? AAH!

TONIGHT? AAH! YOU'RE NOT STILL MAD ABOUT

AAH! YOU'RE NOT STILL MAD ABOUT THIS TRIAL THING, ARE YOU?

YOU'RE NOT STILL MAD ABOUT THIS TRIAL THING, ARE YOU? COME ON.

THIS TRIAL THING, ARE YOU? COME ON. IT'S THE WAY I MAKE A BUCK.

COME ON. IT'S THE WAY I MAKE A BUCK. COME ON, LET ME TAKE YOU OUT FOR

IT'S THE WAY I MAKE A BUCK. COME ON, LET ME TAKE YOU OUT FOR A BIG STEAK.

COME ON, LET ME TAKE YOU OUT FOR A BIG STEAK. WHAT DO YOU SAY?

A BIG STEAK. WHAT DO YOU SAY? HOW CAN YOU TALK TO ME THAT

WHAT DO YOU SAY? HOW CAN YOU TALK TO ME THAT WAY?

HOW CAN YOU TALK TO ME THAT WAY? YOU PUT ME ON TRIAL HERE WHEN

WAY? YOU PUT ME ON TRIAL HERE WHEN I'M INNOCENT.

YOU PUT ME ON TRIAL HERE WHEN I'M INNOCENT. YOU HUMILIATE ME AND YOU LET

I'M INNOCENT. YOU HUMILIATE ME AND YOU LET THAT MAN GO FREE WHEN HE RAPED

YOU HUMILIATE ME AND YOU LET THAT MAN GO FREE WHEN HE RAPED ME.

THAT MAN GO FREE WHEN HE RAPED ME. IS THAT WHAT YOU LEARNED IN LAW

ME. IS THAT WHAT YOU LEARNED IN LAW SCHOOL?

IS THAT WHAT YOU LEARNED IN LAW SCHOOL? GEE... MAYBE SHE'S RIGHT.

SCHOOL? GEE... MAYBE SHE'S RIGHT. MAYBE I GOT OFF THE TRACK

GEE... MAYBE SHE'S RIGHT. MAYBE I GOT OFF THE TRACK SOMEWHERE ALONG THE LINE IN THE

MAYBE I GOT OFF THE TRACK SOMEWHERE ALONG THE LINE IN THE PURSUIT OF A BUCK.

SOMEWHERE ALONG THE LINE IN THE PURSUIT OF A BUCK. MAYBE I... LOST SIGHT OF MY

PURSUIT OF A BUCK. MAYBE I... LOST SIGHT OF MY IDEALS.

MAYBE I... LOST SIGHT OF MY IDEALS. NAH.

Announcer: BE SURE TO JOIN US

NEXT WEEK WHEN McMACK TAKES ON A

CASE FOR EVEL KNIEVEL ON...

FORGIVE ME, FATHER. IT HAS BEEN SIX YEARS SINCE MY LAST CONFESSION.

IT HAS BEEN SIX YEARS SINCE MY LAST CONFESSION. AT THAT TIME, I RECEIVED

LAST CONFESSION. AT THAT TIME, I RECEIVED ABSOLUTION AND I PERFORMED MY

AT THAT TIME, I RECEIVED ABSOLUTION AND I PERFORMED MY PENANCE.

ABSOLUTION AND I PERFORMED MY PENANCE. THESE ARE MY SINS.

PENANCE. THESE ARE MY SINS. WELL, IT'S BEEN QUITE AWHILE

THESE ARE MY SINS. WELL, IT'S BEEN QUITE AWHILE SINCE YOU LAST CAME TO

WELL, IT'S BEEN QUITE AWHILE SINCE YOU LAST CAME TO CONFESSION.

SINCE YOU LAST CAME TO CONFESSION. THEY'VE MADE A LOT OF CHANGES IN

CONFESSION. THEY'VE MADE A LOT OF CHANGES IN SIX YEARS.

THEY'VE MADE A LOT OF CHANGES IN SIX YEARS. GO AHEAD WITH YOUR CONFESSION,

SIX YEARS. GO AHEAD WITH YOUR CONFESSION, MY SON.

GO AHEAD WITH YOUR CONFESSION, MY SON. WHERE SHOULD I START?

MY SON. WHERE SHOULD I START? MY LIFE'S A MESS, FATHER.

WHERE SHOULD I START? MY LIFE'S A MESS, FATHER. I HAVE SO MANY SINS.

MY LIFE'S A MESS, FATHER. I HAVE SO MANY SINS. WELL, WHICH ONE TROUBLES YOU

I HAVE SO MANY SINS. WELL, WHICH ONE TROUBLES YOU THE MOST?

WELL, WHICH ONE TROUBLES YOU THE MOST? WELL, YOU SEE, I'M MARRIED,

THE MOST? WELL, YOU SEE, I'M MARRIED, AND I HAVE BEEN WITH ANOTHER

WELL, YOU SEE, I'M MARRIED, AND I HAVE BEEN WITH ANOTHER WOMAN.

AND I HAVE BEEN WITH ANOTHER WOMAN. MM-HMM.

WOMAN. MM-HMM. IS SHE, TOO, BEHOLDEN TO ANOTHER

MM-HMM. IS SHE, TOO, BEHOLDEN TO ANOTHER MAN?

IS SHE, TOO, BEHOLDEN TO ANOTHER MAN? YEAH, SHE'S MARRIED.

MAN? YEAH, SHE'S MARRIED. I SEE.

YEAH, SHE'S MARRIED. I SEE. SO, YOU'VE BROKEN THE SIXTH AND

I SEE. SO, YOU'VE BROKEN THE SIXTH AND THE NINTH COMMANDMENTS.

SO, YOU'VE BROKEN THE SIXTH AND THE NINTH COMMANDMENTS. MM-HMM.

THE NINTH COMMANDMENTS. MM-HMM. [BEEPING]

MM-HMM. [BEEPING] HEY, FATHER, WHAT WAS THAT

[BEEPING] HEY, FATHER, WHAT WAS THAT NOISE?

HEY, FATHER, WHAT WAS THAT NOISE? OH, I TOLD YOU, MY SON, THE

NOISE? OH, I TOLD YOU, MY SON, THE CHURCH HAS UNDERGONE QUITE A FEW

OH, I TOLD YOU, MY SON, THE CHURCH HAS UNDERGONE QUITE A FEW CHANGES.

CHURCH HAS UNDERGONE QUITE A FEW CHANGES. CONTRARY TO WHAT YOU MIGHT HAVE

CHANGES. CONTRARY TO WHAT YOU MIGHT HAVE BEEN READING, THE CHURCH IS

CONTRARY TO WHAT YOU MIGHT HAVE BEEN READING, THE CHURCH IS PROGRESSIVE AND HAS MODERNIZED.

BEEN READING, THE CHURCH IS PROGRESSIVE AND HAS MODERNIZED. THIS IS THE TRINITY 3000 CENTRAL

PROGRESSIVE AND HAS MODERNIZED. THIS IS THE TRINITY 3000 CENTRAL PROCESSING UNIT WITH AN ADDRESS

THIS IS THE TRINITY 3000 CENTRAL PROCESSING UNIT WITH AN ADDRESS CAPACITY OF 70,000 BITS OF

PROCESSING UNIT WITH AN ADDRESS CAPACITY OF 70,000 BITS OF INFORMATION.

CAPACITY OF 70,000 BITS OF INFORMATION. OH, WELL, WHAT'S IT FOR?

INFORMATION. OH, WELL, WHAT'S IT FOR? WELL, BASICALLY, IT'S THE

OH, WELL, WHAT'S IT FOR? WELL, BASICALLY, IT'S THE MODERN PRIEST'S COMPANION.

WELL, BASICALLY, IT'S THE MODERN PRIEST'S COMPANION. THIS TERMINAL HERE HAS A DIRECT

MODERN PRIEST'S COMPANION. THIS TERMINAL HERE HAS A DIRECT LINKUP TO THE ARCH DATA BANK IN

THIS TERMINAL HERE HAS A DIRECT LINKUP TO THE ARCH DATA BANK IN ROME.

LINKUP TO THE ARCH DATA BANK IN ROME. IT ASSISTS THE PRIEST IN

ROME. IT ASSISTS THE PRIEST IN ANALYZING TRANSGRESSION AND THE

IT ASSISTS THE PRIEST IN ANALYZING TRANSGRESSION AND THE ASSIGNMENT OF APPROPRIATE

ANALYZING TRANSGRESSION AND THE ASSIGNMENT OF APPROPRIATE PENANCE.

ASSIGNMENT OF APPROPRIATE PENANCE. NOW, YOU SAID THIS OTHER WOMAN

PENANCE. NOW, YOU SAID THIS OTHER WOMAN WAS MARRIED, DIDN'T YOU?

NOW, YOU SAID THIS OTHER WOMAN WAS MARRIED, DIDN'T YOU? YEAH.

WAS MARRIED, DIDN'T YOU? YEAH. [BEEPING]

OKAY, THAT'S... 10 HAIL MARYS. ALL RIGHT, 10 HAIL MARYS.

10 HAIL MARYS. ALL RIGHT, 10 HAIL MARYS. OKAY. ANYTHING ELSE?

ALL RIGHT, 10 HAIL MARYS. OKAY. ANYTHING ELSE? YEAH, WELL, I GOT RID OF HER

OKAY. ANYTHING ELSE? YEAH, WELL, I GOT RID OF HER HUSBAND.

YEAH, WELL, I GOT RID OF HER HUSBAND. HOW DID YOU DO THAT?

HUSBAND. HOW DID YOU DO THAT? WELL, I'M THE PERSONNEL

HOW DID YOU DO THAT? WELL, I'M THE PERSONNEL DIRECTOR FOR A LARGE CHEMICAL

WELL, I'M THE PERSONNEL DIRECTOR FOR A LARGE CHEMICAL COMPANY.

DIRECTOR FOR A LARGE CHEMICAL COMPANY. WE HAVE OFFICES ALL OVER THE

COMPANY. WE HAVE OFFICES ALL OVER THE WORLD, AND HER HUSBAND WORKED

WE HAVE OFFICES ALL OVER THE WORLD, AND HER HUSBAND WORKED FOR ME AND HE GOT TO BE A

WORLD, AND HER HUSBAND WORKED FOR ME AND HE GOT TO BE A HASSLE, FATHER, SO I TRANSFERRED

FOR ME AND HE GOT TO BE A HASSLE, FATHER, SO I TRANSFERRED HIM TO BEIRUT.

HASSLE, FATHER, SO I TRANSFERRED HIM TO BEIRUT. I PUT HIM UP IN THE HOLIDAY INN,

HIM TO BEIRUT. I PUT HIM UP IN THE HOLIDAY INN, AND HIS ROOM GOT SHELLED.

I PUT HIM UP IN THE HOLIDAY INN, AND HIS ROOM GOT SHELLED. NOW, DID I KILL HIM OR NOT?

AND HIS ROOM GOT SHELLED. NOW, DID I KILL HIM OR NOT? BEATS ME. LET'S CHECK.

NOW, DID I KILL HIM OR NOT? BEATS ME. LET'S CHECK. [BEEPING]

NO, I DON'T THINK YOU HAVE ANYTHING TO WORRY ABOUT. YOU DIDN'T COMMIT MURDER.

ANYTHING TO WORRY ABOUT. YOU DIDN'T COMMIT MURDER. WELL, I WISH YOU WOULD TELL

YOU DIDN'T COMMIT MURDER. WELL, I WISH YOU WOULD TELL HIS SON THAT.

WELL, I WISH YOU WOULD TELL HIS SON THAT. HE'S AFTER ME FOR BREAKING UP

HIS SON THAT. HE'S AFTER ME FOR BREAKING UP HIS FAMILY.

HE'S AFTER ME FOR BREAKING UP HIS FAMILY. W-WELL, WHAT DO YOU MEAN,

HIS FAMILY. W-WELL, WHAT DO YOU MEAN, HE'S AFTER YOU?

W-WELL, WHAT DO YOU MEAN, HE'S AFTER YOU? WELL, HE HIRED TWO GUYS TO

HE'S AFTER YOU? WELL, HE HIRED TWO GUYS TO FOLLOW ME, MAN.

WELL, HE HIRED TWO GUYS TO FOLLOW ME, MAN. THEY'RE OUT THERE NOW, FATHER.

FOLLOW ME, MAN. THEY'RE OUT THERE NOW, FATHER. EXCUSE ME FOR CALLING YOU "MAN."

THEY'RE OUT THERE NOW, FATHER. EXCUSE ME FOR CALLING YOU "MAN." THEY'RE OUT THERE NOW.

EXCUSE ME FOR CALLING YOU "MAN." THEY'RE OUT THERE NOW. THAT'S WHY I DUCKED IN HERE IN

THEY'RE OUT THERE NOW. THAT'S WHY I DUCKED IN HERE IN THE FIRST PLACE.

THAT'S WHY I DUCKED IN HERE IN THE FIRST PLACE. I SEE.

THE FIRST PLACE. I SEE. I GOT TO GET OUT OF HERE.

I SEE. I GOT TO GET OUT OF HERE. GET AWAY.

I GOT TO GET OUT OF HERE. GET AWAY. THINK THINGS OVER, FATHER.

GET AWAY. THINK THINGS OVER, FATHER. WELL, WHERE DO YOU THINK

THINK THINGS OVER, FATHER. WELL, WHERE DO YOU THINK IT'LL BE SAFE FOR YOU TO GO?

WELL, WHERE DO YOU THINK IT'LL BE SAFE FOR YOU TO GO? WELL, I GOT RELATIVES IN

IT'LL BE SAFE FOR YOU TO GO? WELL, I GOT RELATIVES IN CHICAGO.

WELL, I GOT RELATIVES IN CHICAGO. MAYBE I CAN GET A FLIGHT OUT

CHICAGO. MAYBE I CAN GET A FLIGHT OUT TONIGHT, YOU KNOW?

MAYBE I CAN GET A FLIGHT OUT TONIGHT, YOU KNOW? WILL THAT BE FIRST-CLASS OR

TONIGHT, YOU KNOW? WILL THAT BE FIRST-CLASS OR COACH?

WILL THAT BE FIRST-CLASS OR COACH? [BEEPING]

COACH? [BEEPING] THAT'LL BE FIRST-CLASS.

[BEEPING] THAT'LL BE FIRST-CLASS. SMOKING OR NON-SMOKING?

THAT'LL BE FIRST-CLASS. SMOKING OR NON-SMOKING? SMOKING.

SMOKING OR NON-SMOKING? SMOKING. OKAY.

SMOKING. OKAY. WOULD YOU LIKE A RENTAL CAR

OKAY. WOULD YOU LIKE A RENTAL CAR WAITING FOR YOU WHEN YOU LAND IN

WOULD YOU LIKE A RENTAL CAR WAITING FOR YOU WHEN YOU LAND IN CHICAGO?

WAITING FOR YOU WHEN YOU LAND IN CHICAGO? YEAH. WHAT YOU GOT?

CHICAGO? YEAH. WHAT YOU GOT? I SEE WE HAVE A MIDSIZE SEDAN

YEAH. WHAT YOU GOT? I SEE WE HAVE A MIDSIZE SEDAN OR A LITTLE HATCHBACK.

I SEE WE HAVE A MIDSIZE SEDAN OR A LITTLE HATCHBACK. HATCHBACK.

OR A LITTLE HATCHBACK. HATCHBACK. GOOD CHOICE.

HATCHBACK. GOOD CHOICE. IT'S A GAS SAVER.

GOOD CHOICE. IT'S A GAS SAVER. OKAY.

IT'S A GAS SAVER. OKAY. ARE YOU SORRY FOR YOUR SINS?

OKAY. ARE YOU SORRY FOR YOUR SINS? YEAH, SURE.

ARE YOU SORRY FOR YOUR SINS? YEAH, SURE. SAY THOSE 10 HAIL MARYS NOW?

YEAH, SURE. SAY THOSE 10 HAIL MARYS NOW? I CERTAINLY WILL, FATHER.

SAY THOSE 10 HAIL MARYS NOW? I CERTAINLY WILL, FATHER. ALL RIGHT.

I CERTAINLY WILL, FATHER. ALL RIGHT. BLESS YOU. HAVE A NICE FLIGHT.

ALL RIGHT. BLESS YOU. HAVE A NICE FLIGHT. THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

HI. I'M LORNE MICHAELS, PRODUCER OF "SATURDAY NIGHT."

I'M LORNE MICHAELS, PRODUCER OF "SATURDAY NIGHT." A SHORT WHILE AGO, I WENT ON THE

"SATURDAY NIGHT." A SHORT WHILE AGO, I WENT ON THE AIR AND ADDRESSED MYSELF TO

A SHORT WHILE AGO, I WENT ON THE AIR AND ADDRESSED MYSELF TO JOHN, PAUL, GEORGE, AND RINGO...

AIR AND ADDRESSED MYSELF TO JOHN, PAUL, GEORGE, AND RINGO... THE BEATLES.

JOHN, PAUL, GEORGE, AND RINGO... THE BEATLES. AT THAT TIME, I INVITED THEM TO

THE BEATLES. AT THAT TIME, I INVITED THEM TO APPEAR ON "SATURDAY NIGHT" AND

AT THAT TIME, I INVITED THEM TO APPEAR ON "SATURDAY NIGHT" AND TOLD THEM I WAS AUTHORIZED BY

APPEAR ON "SATURDAY NIGHT" AND TOLD THEM I WAS AUTHORIZED BY NBC TO PAY THEM THE SUM OF

TOLD THEM I WAS AUTHORIZED BY NBC TO PAY THEM THE SUM OF $3,000.

NBC TO PAY THEM THE SUM OF $3,000. THAT WAS $3,000 FOR JUST THREE

$3,000. THAT WAS $3,000 FOR JUST THREE SONGS.

THAT WAS $3,000 FOR JUST THREE SONGS. WELL, A MONTH HAS GONE BY.

SONGS. WELL, A MONTH HAS GONE BY. WE'VE HEARD FROM THE MONKEES,

WELL, A MONTH HAS GONE BY. WE'VE HEARD FROM THE MONKEES, FREDDIE AND THE DREAMERS,

WE'VE HEARD FROM THE MONKEES, FREDDIE AND THE DREAMERS, HERMAN'S HERMITS,

FREDDIE AND THE DREAMERS, HERMAN'S HERMITS, PETER AND GORDON, THE COWSILLS,

HERMAN'S HERMITS, PETER AND GORDON, THE COWSILLS, AND LULU.

PETER AND GORDON, THE COWSILLS, AND LULU. BUT STILL, NO WORD FROM THE

AND LULU. BUT STILL, NO WORD FROM THE BEATLES.

BUT STILL, NO WORD FROM THE BEATLES. I'M NOT DISCOURAGED, AND NEITHER

BEATLES. I'M NOT DISCOURAGED, AND NEITHER IS NBC.

I'M NOT DISCOURAGED, AND NEITHER IS NBC. BECAUSE OF THE RECENT ACCLAIM

IS NBC. BECAUSE OF THE RECENT ACCLAIM THAT "SATURDAY NIGHT" HAS

BECAUSE OF THE RECENT ACCLAIM THAT "SATURDAY NIGHT" HAS RECEIVED, I WAS ABLE TO CONVINCE

THAT "SATURDAY NIGHT" HAS RECEIVED, I WAS ABLE TO CONVINCE NBC TO SWEETEN THE POT.

RECEIVED, I WAS ABLE TO CONVINCE NBC TO SWEETEN THE POT. JOHN, PAUL, GEORGE, AND RINGO,

NBC TO SWEETEN THE POT. JOHN, PAUL, GEORGE, AND RINGO, WE ARE NOW PREPARED TO UP THE

JOHN, PAUL, GEORGE, AND RINGO, WE ARE NOW PREPARED TO UP THE ORIGINAL OFFER TO $3,200.

WE ARE NOW PREPARED TO UP THE ORIGINAL OFFER TO $3,200. CAN WE GET A CLOSEUP OF THIS

ORIGINAL OFFER TO $3,200. CAN WE GET A CLOSEUP OF THIS CHECK, PLEASE?

CAN WE GET A CLOSEUP OF THIS CHECK, PLEASE? WHICH CAMERA IS IT ON?

CHECK, PLEASE? WHICH CAMERA IS IT ON? AH.

WHICH CAMERA IS IT ON? AH. AS YOU CAN SEE, IT'S A CHECK FOR

AH. AS YOU CAN SEE, IT'S A CHECK FOR $3,200 MADE OUT TO YOU,

AS YOU CAN SEE, IT'S A CHECK FOR $3,200 MADE OUT TO YOU, THE BEATLES.

$3,200 MADE OUT TO YOU, THE BEATLES. OFF THE RECORD, THIS INCREASE

THE BEATLES. OFF THE RECORD, THIS INCREASE COMES TO AN EXTRA $50 FOR EACH

OFF THE RECORD, THIS INCREASE COMES TO AN EXTRA $50 FOR EACH OF YOU.

COMES TO AN EXTRA $50 FOR EACH OF YOU. THAT'S IF YOU SPLIT IT EQUALLY.

OF YOU. THAT'S IF YOU SPLIT IT EQUALLY. I'M STILL NOT SURE WHAT YOUR

THAT'S IF YOU SPLIT IT EQUALLY. I'M STILL NOT SURE WHAT YOUR SITUATION WITH RINGO IS.

I'M STILL NOT SURE WHAT YOUR SITUATION WITH RINGO IS. FURTHERMORE, NBC WILL ALSO TAKE

SITUATION WITH RINGO IS. FURTHERMORE, NBC WILL ALSO TAKE CARE OF YOUR HOTEL

FURTHERMORE, NBC WILL ALSO TAKE CARE OF YOUR HOTEL ACCOMMODATION.

CARE OF YOUR HOTEL ACCOMMODATION. DON PAR DO, TELL THE BEATLES

ACCOMMODATION. DON PAR DO, TELL THE BEATLES THEY CAN EXPECT WHEN THEY COME

DON PAR DO, TELL THE BEATLES THEY CAN EXPECT WHEN THEY COME TO GET THAT CHECK FOR $3,200.

THEY CAN EXPECT WHEN THEY COME TO GET THAT CHECK FOR $3,200. Announcer: IT'LL BE MY

TO GET THAT CHECK FOR $3,200. Announcer: IT'LL BE MY PLEASURE, LORNE.

Announcer: IT'LL BE MY PLEASURE, LORNE. FIRST OF ALL, THE LADS FROM

PLEASURE, LORNE. FIRST OF ALL, THE LADS FROM LIVERPOOL WILL BE PICKED UP BY A

FIRST OF ALL, THE LADS FROM LIVERPOOL WILL BE PICKED UP BY A RADIO-DISPATCH CHECKER CAB THAT

LIVERPOOL WILL BE PICKED UP BY A RADIO-DISPATCH CHECKER CAB THAT WILL WHISK THEM TO CROSSTOWN

RADIO-DISPATCH CHECKER CAB THAT WILL WHISK THEM TO CROSSTOWN MOTOR INN, LOCATED IN THE HEART

WILL WHISK THEM TO CROSSTOWN MOTOR INN, LOCATED IN THE HEART OF NEW YORK'S FASHIONABLE

MOTOR INN, LOCATED IN THE HEART OF NEW YORK'S FASHIONABLE GARMENT DISTRICT.

OF NEW YORK'S FASHIONABLE GARMENT DISTRICT. ONCE THERE, THEY WILL CHECK IN

GARMENT DISTRICT. ONCE THERE, THEY WILL CHECK IN IN THE RECENTLY RENOVATED LOBBY,

ONCE THERE, THEY WILL CHECK IN IN THE RECENTLY RENOVATED LOBBY, AND THEN IT'S OFF TO THEIR ROOMS

IN THE RECENTLY RENOVATED LOBBY, AND THEN IT'S OFF TO THEIR ROOMS VIA ROUND-THE-CLOCK ELEVATOR

AND THEN IT'S OFF TO THEIR ROOMS VIA ROUND-THE-CLOCK ELEVATOR SERVICE, WHERE THEY'LL BE

VIA ROUND-THE-CLOCK ELEVATOR SERVICE, WHERE THEY'LL BE TREATED LIKE ROYALTY AS PITCHERS

SERVICE, WHERE THEY'LL BE TREATED LIKE ROYALTY AS PITCHERS OF ICE WATER ARE HAND-DELIVERED

TREATED LIKE ROYALTY AS PITCHERS OF ICE WATER ARE HAND-DELIVERED TO THEIR ROOMS, AND THEY CAN

OF ICE WATER ARE HAND-DELIVERED TO THEIR ROOMS, AND THEY CAN DRINK THAT WATER FROM GLASSES

TO THEIR ROOMS, AND THEY CAN DRINK THAT WATER FROM GLASSES SANITIZED FOR THEIR CONVENIENCE.

DRINK THAT WATER FROM GLASSES SANITIZED FOR THEIR CONVENIENCE. OOPS!

SANITIZED FOR THEIR CONVENIENCE. OOPS! RINGO SPILLED A LITTLE SOMETHING

OOPS! RINGO SPILLED A LITTLE SOMETHING ON HIS JACKET?

RINGO SPILLED A LITTLE SOMETHING ON HIS JACKET? NO PROBLEM... NOT WITH PROMPT

ON HIS JACKET? NO PROBLEM... NOT WITH PROMPT 48-HOUR DRY-CLEANING SERVICE...

NO PROBLEM... NOT WITH PROMPT 48-HOUR DRY-CLEANING SERVICE... "IN BY TUESDAY, OUT BY

48-HOUR DRY-CLEANING SERVICE... "IN BY TUESDAY, OUT BY THURSDAY!"

"IN BY TUESDAY, OUT BY THURSDAY!" AND LET'S JUST PUT A SHINE ON

THURSDAY!" AND LET'S JUST PUT A SHINE ON THOSE SHOES, TOO, WITH A FREE

AND LET'S JUST PUT A SHINE ON THOSE SHOES, TOO, WITH A FREE SHOESHINE CLOTH.

THOSE SHOES, TOO, WITH A FREE SHOESHINE CLOTH. AND, LORNE, SINCE THE BEATLES

SHOESHINE CLOTH. AND, LORNE, SINCE THE BEATLES WILL BE STAYING IN SEPARATE

AND, LORNE, SINCE THE BEATLES WILL BE STAYING IN SEPARATE ROOMS, THE FOUR MOP-TOPS CAN

WILL BE STAYING IN SEPARATE ROOMS, THE FOUR MOP-TOPS CAN STILL SPEAK TO EACH OTHER AS

ROOMS, THE FOUR MOP-TOPS CAN STILL SPEAK TO EACH OTHER AS MUCH AS THEY WANT TO, BECAUSE

STILL SPEAK TO EACH OTHER AS MUCH AS THEY WANT TO, BECAUSE THERE IS NO CHARGE FOR

MUCH AS THEY WANT TO, BECAUSE THERE IS NO CHARGE FOR ROOM-TO-ROOM CALLS.

THERE IS NO CHARGE FOR ROOM-TO-ROOM CALLS. AND, AFTER A HARD DAY'S NIGHT,

ROOM-TO-ROOM CALLS. AND, AFTER A HARD DAY'S NIGHT, THE BEATLES CAN SLEEP AS LATE AS

AND, AFTER A HARD DAY'S NIGHT, THE BEATLES CAN SLEEP AS LATE AS THEY LIKE WITH LEISURELY

THE BEATLES CAN SLEEP AS LATE AS THEY LIKE WITH LEISURELY CHECKOUT TIME OF 10:00 A.M.

THEY LIKE WITH LEISURELY CHECKOUT TIME OF 10:00 A.M. THAT'S THE CROSSTOWN MOTOR INN,

CHECKOUT TIME OF 10:00 A.M. THAT'S THE CROSSTOWN MOTOR INN, A HOTEL TRADITION HOSTING

THAT'S THE CROSSTOWN MOTOR INN, A HOTEL TRADITION HOSTING NEW YORK'S VISITORS SINCE 1971.

A HOTEL TRADITION HOSTING NEW YORK'S VISITORS SINCE 1971. YEAH, YEAH, YEAH!

NEW YORK'S VISITORS SINCE 1971. YEAH, YEAH, YEAH! BACK TO YOU, LORNE.

YEAH, YEAH, YEAH! BACK TO YOU, LORNE. THANK YOU, DON PARDO.

BACK TO YOU, LORNE. THANK YOU, DON PARDO. JOHN, PAUL, GEORGE, AND RINGO,

THANK YOU, DON PARDO. JOHN, PAUL, GEORGE, AND RINGO, THAT'S WHERE WE STAND RIGHT NOW.

JOHN, PAUL, GEORGE, AND RINGO, THAT'S WHERE WE STAND RIGHT NOW. $3,200 AND FREE HOTEL

THAT'S WHERE WE STAND RIGHT NOW. $3,200 AND FREE HOTEL ACCOMMODATIONS.

$3,200 AND FREE HOTEL ACCOMMODATIONS. NOW IT'S YOUR MOVE.

ACCOMMODATIONS. NOW IT'S YOUR MOVE. I'VE ALWAYS RESPECTED YOU, YOU

NOW IT'S YOUR MOVE. I'VE ALWAYS RESPECTED YOU, YOU WERE ALWAYS MY FAVORITE GROUP,

I'VE ALWAYS RESPECTED YOU, YOU WERE ALWAYS MY FAVORITE GROUP, AND I'VE ALWAYS LIKED YOKO, EVEN

WERE ALWAYS MY FAVORITE GROUP, AND I'VE ALWAYS LIKED YOKO, EVEN AT THE BEGINNING WHEN THINGS

AND I'VE ALWAYS LIKED YOKO, EVEN AT THE BEGINNING WHEN THINGS WERE DIFFICULT.

AT THE BEGINNING WHEN THINGS WERE DIFFICULT. I WOULD LIKE TO SEE YOU ON

WERE DIFFICULT. I WOULD LIKE TO SEE YOU ON "SATURDAY NIGHT" AND SO WOULD

I WOULD LIKE TO SEE YOU ON "SATURDAY NIGHT" AND SO WOULD THE AMERICAN PEOPLE.

"SATURDAY NIGHT" AND SO WOULD THE AMERICAN PEOPLE. YOU KNOW WHERE I CAN BE REACHED.

THE AMERICAN PEOPLE. YOU KNOW WHERE I CAN BE REACHED. I'M WAITING FOR YOU.

YOU KNOW WHERE I CAN BE REACHED. I'M WAITING FOR YOU. THANK YOU.

HI, I'M ALICE SLOAN, AND THIS IS "GREAT MOMENTS IN ROCK." I'M SO FREAKED OUT ABOUT DOING

IS "GREAT MOMENTS IN ROCK." I'M SO FREAKED OUT ABOUT DOING THIS SHOW.

I'M SO FREAKED OUT ABOUT DOING THIS SHOW. I MEAN, MY WHOLE LIFE HAS BEEN

THIS SHOW. I MEAN, MY WHOLE LIFE HAS BEEN ROCK.

I MEAN, MY WHOLE LIFE HAS BEEN ROCK. GOD, I HOPE I CAN GET THIS OUT

ROCK. GOD, I HOPE I CAN GET THIS OUT BEFORE THOSE LUDES KICK IN.

GOD, I HOPE I CAN GET THIS OUT BEFORE THOSE LUDES KICK IN. I MEAN, I WAS NEVER REALLY A

BEFORE THOSE LUDES KICK IN. I MEAN, I WAS NEVER REALLY A GROUPIE OR ANYTHING, BUT I DID

I MEAN, I WAS NEVER REALLY A GROUPIE OR ANYTHING, BUT I DID GROW UP IN LOS ANGELES AND GOT

GROUPIE OR ANYTHING, BUT I DID GROW UP IN LOS ANGELES AND GOT TO KNOW ABOUT 2,000 OR 3,000

GROW UP IN LOS ANGELES AND GOT TO KNOW ABOUT 2,000 OR 3,000 MUSICIANS PERSONALLY.

TO KNOW ABOUT 2,000 OR 3,000 MUSICIANS PERSONALLY. ONE ROCK STAR THAT I ESPECIALLY

MUSICIANS PERSONALLY. ONE ROCK STAR THAT I ESPECIALLY REMEMBER WAS THE MAN WHO WORE

ONE ROCK STAR THAT I ESPECIALLY REMEMBER WAS THE MAN WHO WORE THESE SHADES... ROY ORBISON.

REMEMBER WAS THE MAN WHO WORE THESE SHADES... ROY ORBISON. OF COURSE, WHEN YOU SAY

THESE SHADES... ROY ORBISON. OF COURSE, WHEN YOU SAY ROY ORBISON, EVERYBODY THINKS OF

OF COURSE, WHEN YOU SAY ROY ORBISON, EVERYBODY THINKS OF TWO THINGS... HE ALWAYS STOOD

ROY ORBISON, EVERYBODY THINKS OF TWO THINGS... HE ALWAYS STOOD PERFECTLY STILL WHEN HE SANG,

TWO THINGS... HE ALWAYS STOOD PERFECTLY STILL WHEN HE SANG, AND HE ALWAYS WORE THESE DARK

PERFECTLY STILL WHEN HE SANG, AND HE ALWAYS WORE THESE DARK GLASSES.

AND HE ALWAYS WORE THESE DARK GLASSES. IT WAS IN 1964, AND I WAS READY

GLASSES. IT WAS IN 1964, AND I WAS READY TO DO ANYTHING TO GET THOSE

IT WAS IN 1964, AND I WAS READY TO DO ANYTHING TO GET THOSE SHADES.

TO DO ANYTHING TO GET THOSE SHADES. WE GOT REALLY CLOSE ONE NIGHT IN

SHADES. WE GOT REALLY CLOSE ONE NIGHT IN L.A., AND I THINK IT MUST HAVE

WE GOT REALLY CLOSE ONE NIGHT IN L.A., AND I THINK IT MUST HAVE FREAKED ROY OUT A LOT BECAUSE

L.A., AND I THINK IT MUST HAVE FREAKED ROY OUT A LOT BECAUSE THE NEXT THING I KNEW, HE WAS IN

FREAKED ROY OUT A LOT BECAUSE THE NEXT THING I KNEW, HE WAS IN MEMPHIS.

HEY, ROY. ROY, I GOT TO TALK TO YOU, BOY. AS YOUR MANAGER, I'VE GIVEN YOU

ROY, I GOT TO TALK TO YOU, BOY. AS YOUR MANAGER, I'VE GIVEN YOU GOOD ADVICE ON AT LEAST TWO

AS YOUR MANAGER, I'VE GIVEN YOU GOOD ADVICE ON AT LEAST TWO OCCASIONS.

GOOD ADVICE ON AT LEAST TWO OCCASIONS. IT WAS MY IDEA FOR YOU TO BE THE

OCCASIONS. IT WAS MY IDEA FOR YOU TO BE THE WOODEN MAN, STAND PERFECTLY

IT WAS MY IDEA FOR YOU TO BE THE WOODEN MAN, STAND PERFECTLY STILL WHILE YOU SING, RIGHT?

WOODEN MAN, STAND PERFECTLY STILL WHILE YOU SING, RIGHT? THAT'S RIGHT.

STILL WHILE YOU SING, RIGHT? THAT'S RIGHT. AND WHO CAME UP WITH THE

THAT'S RIGHT. AND WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONCEPT OF YOU ALWAYS WEARING

AND WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONCEPT OF YOU ALWAYS WEARING THE DARK GLASSES?

CONCEPT OF YOU ALWAYS WEARING THE DARK GLASSES? WELL, I GUESS IT WAS MAINLY

THE DARK GLASSES? WELL, I GUESS IT WAS MAINLY YOUR IDEA.

WELL, I GUESS IT WAS MAINLY YOUR IDEA. RIGHT, WELL, I'M GONNA GIVE

YOUR IDEA. RIGHT, WELL, I'M GONNA GIVE YOU ONE MORE PIECE OF ADVICE.

RIGHT, WELL, I'M GONNA GIVE YOU ONE MORE PIECE OF ADVICE. DUMP THAT NEW GIRLFRIEND OF

YOU ONE MORE PIECE OF ADVICE. DUMP THAT NEW GIRLFRIEND OF YOURS.

DUMP THAT NEW GIRLFRIEND OF YOURS. SHE'S IN THE DRESSING ROOM,

YOURS. SHE'S IN THE DRESSING ROOM, SHE'S MAKING A REAL MESS.

SHE'S IN THE DRESSING ROOM, SHE'S MAKING A REAL MESS. GOT PLASTER CAST ALL OVER.

SHE'S MAKING A REAL MESS. GOT PLASTER CAST ALL OVER. GET RID OF HER.

GOT PLASTER CAST ALL OVER. GET RID OF HER. WELL, I'LL TALK TO HER, BUT

GET RID OF HER. WELL, I'LL TALK TO HER, BUT SHE'S SUCH A PRETTY WOMAN.

WELL, I'LL TALK TO HER, BUT SHE'S SUCH A PRETTY WOMAN. I HATE TO MAKE HER CRY.

SHE'S SUCH A PRETTY WOMAN. I HATE TO MAKE HER CRY. ROY, WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU

I HATE TO MAKE HER CRY. ROY, WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU YESTERDAY?

ROY, WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU YESTERDAY? I WOKE UP, AND YOU WERE GONE.

YESTERDAY? I WOKE UP, AND YOU WERE GONE. OH, I DIDN'T WANT TO WAKE YOU

I WOKE UP, AND YOU WERE GONE. OH, I DIDN'T WANT TO WAKE YOU UP.

OH, I DIDN'T WANT TO WAKE YOU UP. I MEAN, YOU LEFT A NOTE, AND

UP. I MEAN, YOU LEFT A NOTE, AND I DON'T UNDERSTAND IT.

I MEAN, YOU LEFT A NOTE, AND I DON'T UNDERSTAND IT. IT SAYS, "ONE QUART MILK,

I DON'T UNDERSTAND IT. IT SAYS, "ONE QUART MILK, HOSTESS HO HOS AND QUAIL."

IT SAYS, "ONE QUART MILK, HOSTESS HO HOS AND QUAIL." I MEAN, YOU DIDN'T SAY YOU WERE

HOSTESS HO HOS AND QUAIL." I MEAN, YOU DIDN'T SAY YOU WERE GOING TO MEMPHIS.

I MEAN, YOU DIDN'T SAY YOU WERE GOING TO MEMPHIS. OH, I FORGOT.

YOU KNOW, WE'VE BEEN TOGETHER FOR A WEEK NOW, AND I FEEL AS THOUGH I HARDLY KNOW YOU.

FOR A WEEK NOW, AND I FEEL AS THOUGH I HARDLY KNOW YOU. I MEAN, ALL I KNOW IS TWO

THOUGH I HARDLY KNOW YOU. I MEAN, ALL I KNOW IS TWO THINGS... YOU STAND PERFECTLY

I MEAN, ALL I KNOW IS TWO THINGS... YOU STAND PERFECTLY STILL WHEN YOU SING, AND YOU

THINGS... YOU STAND PERFECTLY STILL WHEN YOU SING, AND YOU ALWAYS WEAR DARK GLASSES.

STILL WHEN YOU SING, AND YOU ALWAYS WEAR DARK GLASSES. WELL, BABY, I'D LOVE TO TELL

ALWAYS WEAR DARK GLASSES. WELL, BABY, I'D LOVE TO TELL YOU MORE ABOUT MYSELF, BUT RIGHT

WELL, BABY, I'D LOVE TO TELL YOU MORE ABOUT MYSELF, BUT RIGHT NOW I GOT TO REHEARSE THIS

YOU MORE ABOUT MYSELF, BUT RIGHT NOW I GOT TO REHEARSE THIS NUMBER... A SONG I WROTE FOR

NOW I GOT TO REHEARSE THIS NUMBER... A SONG I WROTE FOR YOU.

NUMBER... A SONG I WROTE FOR YOU. LOOK, WHY DON'T YOU RUN ALONG

YOU. LOOK, WHY DON'T YOU RUN ALONG NOW, AND I'LL MEET YOU AT THE

LOOK, WHY DON'T YOU RUN ALONG NOW, AND I'LL MEET YOU AT THE MOTEL.

NOW, AND I'LL MEET YOU AT THE MOTEL. ROY, HOW DO I KNOW YOU'LL BE

MOTEL. ROY, HOW DO I KNOW YOU'LL BE THERE?

ROY, HOW DO I KNOW YOU'LL BE THERE? BABY, THERE ARE TWO THINGS

THERE? BABY, THERE ARE TWO THINGS YOU KNOW ABOUT ROY ORBISON.

BABY, THERE ARE TWO THINGS YOU KNOW ABOUT ROY ORBISON. NUMBER ONE, HE STANDS PERFECTLY

YOU KNOW ABOUT ROY ORBISON. NUMBER ONE, HE STANDS PERFECTLY STILL WHEN HE SINGS.

NUMBER ONE, HE STANDS PERFECTLY STILL WHEN HE SINGS. AND NUMBER TWO... HE ALWAYS

STILL WHEN HE SINGS. AND NUMBER TWO... HE ALWAYS WEARS HIS SHADES.

AND NUMBER TWO... HE ALWAYS WEARS HIS SHADES. NOW, BABY, I'M GIVING THESE

WEARS HIS SHADES. NOW, BABY, I'M GIVING THESE SHADES TO YOU.

NOW, BABY, I'M GIVING THESE SHADES TO YOU. OH, ROY.

SHADES TO YOU. OH, ROY. I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY.

OH, ROY. I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY. I MEAN, YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT

I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY. I MEAN, YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THIS MEANS TO ME.

I MEAN, YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THIS MEANS TO ME. THEY'RE MY OWN PERSONAL

THIS MEANS TO ME. THEY'RE MY OWN PERSONAL SHADES, BABY.

THEY'RE MY OWN PERSONAL SHADES, BABY. OH, GOD, IT'S A MIND-BLOWER.

SHADES, BABY. OH, GOD, IT'S A MIND-BLOWER. HEY, BABY, YOU TAKE THOSE

OH, GOD, IT'S A MIND-BLOWER. HEY, BABY, YOU TAKE THOSE SHADES.

HEY, BABY, YOU TAKE THOSE SHADES. I'LL SEE YOU TOMORROW, BABY.

SHADES. I'LL SEE YOU TOMORROW, BABY. OKAY, ROY.

I'LL SEE YOU TOMORROW, BABY. OKAY, ROY. THANK YOU.

OKAY, ROY. THANK YOU. OKAY, ROY, YOU WANT TO TAKE

THANK YOU. OKAY, ROY, YOU WANT TO TAKE IT FROM THE TOP.

OKAY, ROY, YOU WANT TO TAKE IT FROM THE TOP. OKAY.

IT FROM THE TOP. OKAY. ALL RIGHT, YOU READY?

OKAY. ALL RIGHT, YOU READY? OKAY, BOYS.

ALL RIGHT, YOU READY? OKAY, BOYS. FROM THE TOP.

OKAY, BOYS. FROM THE TOP. ["PRETTY WOMAN" PLAYS]

♪ PRETTY WOMAN ♪ ♪ WALKING DOWN THE STREET ♪ ♪ PRETTY WOMAN ♪

♪ WALKING DOWN THE STREET ♪ ♪ PRETTY WOMAN ♪ ♪ THE KIND I LIKE TO MEET ♪

♪ PRETTY WOMAN ♪ ♪ THE KIND I LIKE TO MEET ♪ ♪ PRETTY WOMAN ♪

♪ THE KIND I LIKE TO MEET ♪ ♪ PRETTY WOMAN ♪ ♪ I DON'T BELIEVE YOU ♪

♪ PRETTY WOMAN ♪ ♪ I DON'T BELIEVE YOU ♪ ♪ YOU'RE NOT THE TRUTH ♪

♪ I DON'T BELIEVE YOU ♪ ♪ YOU'RE NOT THE TRUTH ♪ ♪ NO ONE CAN LOOK AS GOOD AS

♪ YOU'RE NOT THE TRUTH ♪ ♪ NO ONE CAN LOOK AS GOOD AS YOU ♪

♪ NO ONE CAN LOOK AS GOOD AS YOU ♪ ♪ MERCY ♪

YOU ♪ ♪ MERCY ♪ ♪ PRETTY WOMAN, STOP AWHILE ♪

♪ MERCY ♪ ♪ PRETTY WOMAN, STOP AWHILE ♪ ♪ PRETTY WOMAN, TALK AWHILE ♪

♪ PRETTY WOMAN, STOP AWHILE ♪ ♪ PRETTY WOMAN, TALK AWHILE ♪ ♪ PRETTY WOMAN, GIVE YOUR SMILE

♪ PRETTY WOMAN, TALK AWHILE ♪ ♪ PRETTY WOMAN, GIVE YOUR SMILE TO ME ♪

♪ PRETTY WOMAN, GIVE YOUR SMILE TO ME ♪ ♪ PRETTY WOMAN, YEAH, YEAH,

TO ME ♪ ♪ PRETTY WOMAN, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH ♪

♪ PRETTY WOMAN, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH ♪ ♪ PRETTY WOMAN, LOOK MY WAY ♪

YEAH ♪ ♪ PRETTY WOMAN, LOOK MY WAY ♪ ♪ PRETTY WOMAN, SAY YOU'LL STAY

♪ PRETTY WOMAN, LOOK MY WAY ♪ ♪ PRETTY WOMAN, SAY YOU'LL STAY WITH ME ♪

♪ PRETTY WOMAN, SAY YOU'LL STAY WITH ME ♪ ♪ 'CAUSE I NEED YOU ♪

WITH ME ♪ ♪ 'CAUSE I NEED YOU ♪ ♪ I'LL TREAT YOU RIGHT ♪

♪ 'CAUSE I NEED YOU ♪ ♪ I'LL TREAT YOU RIGHT ♪ ♪ COME TO ME, BABY ♪

♪ I'LL TREAT YOU RIGHT ♪ ♪ COME TO ME, BABY ♪ ♪ BE MINE TONI-I-I-I-I-I-GHT ♪

♪ COME TO ME, BABY ♪ ♪ BE MINE TONI-I-I-I-I-I-GHT ♪ ♪ DON'T WALK ON BY ♪

♪ BE MINE TONI-I-I-I-I-I-GHT ♪ ♪ DON'T WALK ON BY ♪ ♪ PRETTY WOMAN ♪

♪ DON'T WALK ON BY ♪ ♪ PRETTY WOMAN ♪ ♪ DON'T MAKE ME CRY ♪

♪ PRETTY WOMAN ♪ ♪ DON'T MAKE ME CRY ♪ ♪ PRETTY WOMAN ♪

♪ DON'T MAKE ME CRY ♪ ♪ PRETTY WOMAN ♪ IT'S ALL YOU.

♪ PRETTY WOMAN ♪ IT'S ALL YOU. ♪ ...WAY IT MUST BE, OKAY ♪

IT'S ALL YOU. ♪ ...WAY IT MUST BE, OKAY ♪ ♪ I GUESS I'LL GO ON HOME,

♪ ...WAY IT MUST BE, OKAY ♪ ♪ I GUESS I'LL GO ON HOME, IT'S LATE ♪

♪ I GUESS I'LL GO ON HOME, IT'S LATE ♪ ♪ MAYBE TOMORROW NIGHT,

IT'S LATE ♪ ♪ MAYBE TOMORROW NIGHT, BUT WAIT ♪

♪ MAYBE TOMORROW NIGHT, BUT WAIT ♪ ♪ WHAT DO I SEE? ♪

BUT WAIT ♪ ♪ WHAT DO I SEE? ♪ ♪ IS SHE WALKING BACK TO ME? ♪

♪ WHAT DO I SEE? ♪ ♪ IS SHE WALKING BACK TO ME? ♪ ♪ YEAH ♪

♪ IS SHE WALKING BACK TO ME? ♪ ♪ YEAH ♪ ♪ SHE'S WALKING BACK TO ME ♪

♪ YEAH ♪ ♪ SHE'S WALKING BACK TO ME ♪ ♪ WHOA-OH ♪

♪ SHE'S WALKING BACK TO ME ♪ ♪ WHOA-OH ♪ ♪ PRETTY WOMAN ♪

Announcer: IT'S TIME FOR THE "FRANKEN AND DAVIS SHOW," STARRING AL FRANKEN AND

"FRANKEN AND DAVIS SHOW," STARRING AL FRANKEN AND TOM DAVIS.

STARRING AL FRANKEN AND TOM DAVIS. AND NOW, HERE'S AL AND TOM.

THANK YOU. THANK YOU VERY MUCH. GOOD EVENING, LADIES AND

THANK YOU VERY MUCH. GOOD EVENING, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

GOOD EVENING, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN. YOU KNOW, TRADITIONALLY, COMEDY

GENTLEMEN. YOU KNOW, TRADITIONALLY, COMEDY TEAMS HAVE ONE STRAIGHT GUY AND

YOU KNOW, TRADITIONALLY, COMEDY TEAMS HAVE ONE STRAIGHT GUY AND ONE FUNNY GUY.

TEAMS HAVE ONE STRAIGHT GUY AND ONE FUNNY GUY. ISN'T THAT RIGHT, AL?

ONE FUNNY GUY. ISN'T THAT RIGHT, AL? THAT'S RIGHT, TOM, BUT WE'RE

ISN'T THAT RIGHT, AL? THAT'S RIGHT, TOM, BUT WE'RE A UNIQUE COMEDY TEAM.

THAT'S RIGHT, TOM, BUT WE'RE A UNIQUE COMEDY TEAM. NEITHER OF US IS FUNNY.

A UNIQUE COMEDY TEAM. NEITHER OF US IS FUNNY. TAKE IT, TOM.

NEITHER OF US IS FUNNY. TAKE IT, TOM. ♪ I SAY TOMAYTO,

TAKE IT, TOM. ♪ I SAY TOMAYTO, AND YOU SAY TOMAHTO ♪

♪ I SAY TOMAYTO, AND YOU SAY TOMAHTO ♪ ♪ YOU SAY CHICAYNO ♪

AND YOU SAY TOMAHTO ♪ ♪ YOU SAY CHICAYNO ♪ ♪ I SAY CHICAHNO ♪

♪ YOU SAY CHICAYNO ♪ ♪ I SAY CHICAHNO ♪ ♪ TOMAYTO ♪

♪ I SAY CHICAHNO ♪ ♪ TOMAYTO ♪ ♪ TOMAHTO ♪

♪ TOMAYTO ♪ ♪ TOMAHTO ♪ ♪ CHICAYNO ♪

♪ TOMAHTO ♪ ♪ CHICAYNO ♪ ♪ CHICAHNO ♪

♪ CHICAYNO ♪ ♪ CHICAHNO ♪ ♪ LET'S CALL THIS CRAZY THING

♪ CHICAHNO ♪ ♪ LET'S CALL THIS CRAZY THING OFF ♪

♪ LET'S CALL THIS CRAZY THING OFF ♪ YEAH.

OFF ♪ YEAH. ALL RIGHT.

YEAH. ALL RIGHT. THANK YOU.

ALL RIGHT. THANK YOU. WELL, BEFORE WE GET ON WITH THE

THANK YOU. WELL, BEFORE WE GET ON WITH THE SHOW, I'D LIKE TO INTRODUCE OUR

WELL, BEFORE WE GET ON WITH THE SHOW, I'D LIKE TO INTRODUCE OUR SPECIAL GUEST STAR TONIGHT.

SHOW, I'D LIKE TO INTRODUCE OUR SPECIAL GUEST STAR TONIGHT. SHE'LL BE PLAYING THE PART OF

SPECIAL GUEST STAR TONIGHT. SHE'LL BE PLAYING THE PART OF ANITA BRYANT.

SHE'LL BE PLAYING THE PART OF ANITA BRYANT. WON'T YOU WELCOME

ANITA BRYANT. WON'T YOU WELCOME MISS JANE CURTIN.

WON'T YOU WELCOME MISS JANE CURTIN. JANE, COME ON OUT HERE.

MISS JANE CURTIN. JANE, COME ON OUT HERE. JANE, YOUR COSTUME, YOUR

JANE, COME ON OUT HERE. JANE, YOUR COSTUME, YOUR MAKEUP, IT'S STUNNING.

JANE, YOUR COSTUME, YOUR MAKEUP, IT'S STUNNING. THANK YOU, TOM. THANK YOU.

MAKEUP, IT'S STUNNING. THANK YOU, TOM. THANK YOU. TELL US, JANE, HOW DO YOU

THANK YOU, TOM. THANK YOU. TELL US, JANE, HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT PLAYING ANITA BRYANT?

TELL US, JANE, HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT PLAYING ANITA BRYANT? WELL, AL, IT'S REALLY QUITE A

FEEL ABOUT PLAYING ANITA BRYANT? WELL, AL, IT'S REALLY QUITE A CHALLENGE BECAUSE NOT ONLY AM I

WELL, AL, IT'S REALLY QUITE A CHALLENGE BECAUSE NOT ONLY AM I GREAT FAN OF HERS, BUT WE WERE

CHALLENGE BECAUSE NOT ONLY AM I GREAT FAN OF HERS, BUT WE WERE ALSO EX-LOVERS.

GREAT FAN OF HERS, BUT WE WERE ALSO EX-LOVERS. WELL, THAT'S WONDERFUL.

ALSO EX-LOVERS. WELL, THAT'S WONDERFUL. I HOPE SHE'S WATCHING TONIGHT.

WELL, THAT'S WONDERFUL. I HOPE SHE'S WATCHING TONIGHT. JANE, YOU BETTER TAKE YOUR

I HOPE SHE'S WATCHING TONIGHT. JANE, YOU BETTER TAKE YOUR PLACE BECAUSE WE'RE JUST ABOUT

JANE, YOU BETTER TAKE YOUR PLACE BECAUSE WE'RE JUST ABOUT TO START THE SHOW.

PLACE BECAUSE WE'RE JUST ABOUT TO START THE SHOW. OH, GREAT.

TO START THE SHOW. OH, GREAT. ALL RIGHT.

OH, GREAT. ALL RIGHT. LET'S HAVE A HAND FOR

ALL RIGHT. LET'S HAVE A HAND FOR JANE CURTIN.

LET'S HAVE A HAND FOR JANE CURTIN. ISN'T SHE WONDERFUL?

JANE CURTIN. ISN'T SHE WONDERFUL? SHE'S TERRIFIC.

ISN'T SHE WONDERFUL? SHE'S TERRIFIC. NOW, AL, WHY DON'T YOU TELL THE

SHE'S TERRIFIC. NOW, AL, WHY DON'T YOU TELL THE FOLKS ABOUT THE SHOW TONIGHT.

NOW, AL, WHY DON'T YOU TELL THE FOLKS ABOUT THE SHOW TONIGHT. OKAY, WELL, THE MISS AMERICA

FOLKS ABOUT THE SHOW TONIGHT. OKAY, WELL, THE MISS AMERICA PAGEANT, AS YOU KNOW, WAS JUST A

OKAY, WELL, THE MISS AMERICA PAGEANT, AS YOU KNOW, WAS JUST A FEW WEEKS AGO, AND WE WERE

PAGEANT, AS YOU KNOW, WAS JUST A FEW WEEKS AGO, AND WE WERE WONDERING WHAT IT'D BE LIKE IF

FEW WEEKS AGO, AND WE WERE WONDERING WHAT IT'D BE LIKE IF THEY HAD A PAGEANT FOR MEN, AND

WONDERING WHAT IT'D BE LIKE IF THEY HAD A PAGEANT FOR MEN, AND WE THOUGHT IT MIGHT GO SOMETHING

THEY HAD A PAGEANT FOR MEN, AND WE THOUGHT IT MIGHT GO SOMETHING LIKE THIS.

WE THOUGHT IT MIGHT GO SOMETHING LIKE THIS. Announcer: LIVE FROM

LIKE THIS. Announcer: LIVE FROM FORT LAUDERDALE, FLORIDA, IT'S

Announcer: LIVE FROM FORT LAUDERDALE, FLORIDA, IT'S THE MR. U.S.A. PAGEANT.

FORT LAUDERDALE, FLORIDA, IT'S THE MR. U.S.A. PAGEANT. 50 OF AMERICA'S BEST-LOOKING

THE MR. U.S.A. PAGEANT. 50 OF AMERICA'S BEST-LOOKING YOUNG MALES VIE FOR THE TITLE OF

50 OF AMERICA'S BEST-LOOKING YOUNG MALES VIE FOR THE TITLE OF MR. U.S.A.

YOUNG MALES VIE FOR THE TITLE OF MR. U.S.A. AND NOW HERE'S YOUR MISTRESS OF

MR. U.S.A. AND NOW HERE'S YOUR MISTRESS OF CEREMONIES, ANITA BRYANT.

AND NOW HERE'S YOUR MISTRESS OF CEREMONIES, ANITA BRYANT. WELCOME TO FLORIDA, THE

CEREMONIES, ANITA BRYANT. WELCOME TO FLORIDA, THE SUNSHINE STATE.

WELCOME TO FLORIDA, THE SUNSHINE STATE. ALL WEEK, OUR CONTESTANTS HAVE

SUNSHINE STATE. ALL WEEK, OUR CONTESTANTS HAVE BEEN SPREADING THEIR OWN KIND OF

ALL WEEK, OUR CONTESTANTS HAVE BEEN SPREADING THEIR OWN KIND OF SUNSHINE... REHEARSING, SHARING

BEEN SPREADING THEIR OWN KIND OF SUNSHINE... REHEARSING, SHARING HOPES AND DREAMS, AND JUST PLAIN

SUNSHINE... REHEARSING, SHARING HOPES AND DREAMS, AND JUST PLAIN GETTING TO KNOW EACH OTHER.

HOPES AND DREAMS, AND JUST PLAIN GETTING TO KNOW EACH OTHER. ♪ GETTING TO KNOW ALL ABOUT

GETTING TO KNOW EACH OTHER. ♪ GETTING TO KNOW ALL ABOUT YOU ♪

♪ GETTING TO KNOW ALL ABOUT YOU ♪ ♪ GETTING TO LIKE YOU ♪

YOU ♪ ♪ GETTING TO LIKE YOU ♪ ♪ GETTING TO HOPE YOU LIKE ME ♪

♪ GETTING TO LIKE YOU ♪ ♪ GETTING TO HOPE YOU LIKE ME ♪ AND I CAN HONESTLY SAY THAT

♪ GETTING TO HOPE YOU LIKE ME ♪ AND I CAN HONESTLY SAY THAT EACH ONE OF OUR 50 CONTESTANTS

AND I CAN HONESTLY SAY THAT EACH ONE OF OUR 50 CONTESTANTS HERE TONIGHT IS A WINNER IN HIS

EACH ONE OF OUR 50 CONTESTANTS HERE TONIGHT IS A WINNER IN HIS OWN RIGHT.

HERE TONIGHT IS A WINNER IN HIS OWN RIGHT. THANK YOU, BOYS.

OWN RIGHT. THANK YOU, BOYS. THANK YOU, MISS BRYANT.

THANK YOU, BOYS. THANK YOU, MISS BRYANT. AND NOW LET'S LOOK AT OUR TWO

THANK YOU, MISS BRYANT. AND NOW LET'S LOOK AT OUR TWO FINALISTS AS THEY PROMENADE IN

AND NOW LET'S LOOK AT OUR TWO FINALISTS AS THEY PROMENADE IN THE SWIMSUIT COMPETITION.

FINALISTS AS THEY PROMENADE IN THE SWIMSUIT COMPETITION. AND HERE THEY ARE.

THE SWIMSUIT COMPETITION. AND HERE THEY ARE. JUST THINK... IN A FEW MINUTES,

AND HERE THEY ARE. JUST THINK... IN A FEW MINUTES, ONE OF THESE STUNNING CREATURES

JUST THINK... IN A FEW MINUTES, ONE OF THESE STUNNING CREATURES WILL BECOME MR. U.S.A. 1978.

ONE OF THESE STUNNING CREATURES WILL BECOME MR. U.S.A. 1978. MR. CALIFORNIA.

HI. I'M BRAD GUTNER. I'M A BUSINESS UNDERGRADUATE AT DEATH VALLEY STATE COLLEGE.

I'M A BUSINESS UNDERGRADUATE AT DEATH VALLEY STATE COLLEGE. DURING THE SUMMER, I WORK FOR

DEATH VALLEY STATE COLLEGE. DURING THE SUMMER, I WORK FOR THE BARAKSO COMPANY, WHERE I

DURING THE SUMMER, I WORK FOR THE BARAKSO COMPANY, WHERE I TEACH HANDICAPPED CHILDREN TO

THE BARAKSO COMPANY, WHERE I TEACH HANDICAPPED CHILDREN TO DRIVE THE 20-MULE TEAM.

TEACH HANDICAPPED CHILDREN TO DRIVE THE 20-MULE TEAM. MY WATCHWORDS CAN BE FOUND IN

DRIVE THE 20-MULE TEAM. MY WATCHWORDS CAN BE FOUND IN THE LAST FOUR LETTERS OF

MY WATCHWORDS CAN BE FOUND IN THE LAST FOUR LETTERS OF AMERICAN... "I CAN."

THE LAST FOUR LETTERS OF AMERICAN... "I CAN." LOVELY.

AMERICAN... "I CAN." LOVELY. JUST LOVELY.

LOVELY. JUST LOVELY. MR. ARKANSAS.

[Southern accent] HI. MY NAME'S LYLE CADONIA. I'M A SPEECH THERAPY MAJOR.

MY NAME'S LYLE CADONIA. I'M A SPEECH THERAPY MAJOR. I PLAN TO BE A SPEECH THERAPIST

I'M A SPEECH THERAPY MAJOR. I PLAN TO BE A SPEECH THERAPIST AND TEACH HANDICAPPED CHILDREN

I PLAN TO BE A SPEECH THERAPIST AND TEACH HANDICAPPED CHILDREN SPEECH THERAPY BECAUSE I BELIEVE

AND TEACH HANDICAPPED CHILDREN SPEECH THERAPY BECAUSE I BELIEVE THAT SPEECH THERAPY CAN BETTER

SPEECH THERAPY BECAUSE I BELIEVE THAT SPEECH THERAPY CAN BETTER HELP PEOPLE TO UNDERSTAND EACH

THAT SPEECH THERAPY CAN BETTER HELP PEOPLE TO UNDERSTAND EACH OTHER.

HELP PEOPLE TO UNDERSTAND EACH OTHER. AREN'T THEY LOVELY?

OTHER. AREN'T THEY LOVELY? INTERESTINGLY ENOUGH, THIS IS

AREN'T THEY LOVELY? INTERESTINGLY ENOUGH, THIS IS THE TALLEST GROUP OF CONTESTANTS

INTERESTINGLY ENOUGH, THIS IS THE TALLEST GROUP OF CONTESTANTS IN THE HISTORY OF THE PAGEANT.

THE TALLEST GROUP OF CONTESTANTS IN THE HISTORY OF THE PAGEANT. AND NOW LEADING OFF THE TALENT

IN THE HISTORY OF THE PAGEANT. AND NOW LEADING OFF THE TALENT COMPETITION, MR. ARKANSAS PROVES

AND NOW LEADING OFF THE TALENT COMPETITION, MR. ARKANSAS PROVES THAT TO BE GOOD AT FOOTBALL AND

COMPETITION, MR. ARKANSAS PROVES THAT TO BE GOOD AT FOOTBALL AND MUSIC, YOU'VE GOT TO HAVE PLENTY

THAT TO BE GOOD AT FOOTBALL AND MUSIC, YOU'VE GOT TO HAVE PLENTY OF HIGH HOPES.

MUSIC, YOU'VE GOT TO HAVE PLENTY OF HIGH HOPES. ♪ ONCE THERE WAS A SILLY OLD

OF HIGH HOPES. ♪ ONCE THERE WAS A SILLY OLD RAM ♪

♪ ONCE THERE WAS A SILLY OLD RAM ♪ ♪ THOUGHT HE'D PUNCH A HOLE IN A

RAM ♪ ♪ THOUGHT HE'D PUNCH A HOLE IN A DAM ♪

♪ THOUGHT HE'D PUNCH A HOLE IN A DAM ♪ ♪ NO ONE COULD MAKE THAT RAM

DAM ♪ ♪ NO ONE COULD MAKE THAT RAM SCRAM ♪

♪ NO ONE COULD MAKE THAT RAM SCRAM ♪ ♪ HE KEPT BUTTIN' THAT DAM ♪

SCRAM ♪ ♪ HE KEPT BUTTIN' THAT DAM ♪ ♪ 'CAUSE HE HAD HIGH HOPES ♪

♪ HE KEPT BUTTIN' THAT DAM ♪ ♪ 'CAUSE HE HAD HIGH HOPES ♪ ♪ HE HAD HIGH HOPES ♪

♪ 'CAUSE HE HAD HIGH HOPES ♪ ♪ HE HAD HIGH HOPES ♪ ♪ HE HAD HIGH APPLE PIE

♪ HE HAD HIGH HOPES ♪ ♪ HE HAD HIGH APPLE PIE IN THE SKY HOPES ♪

♪ HE HAD HIGH APPLE PIE IN THE SKY HOPES ♪ ♪ SO ANY TIME YOU'RE FEELIN'

IN THE SKY HOPES ♪ ♪ SO ANY TIME YOU'RE FEELIN' BAD, 'STEAD OF FEELIN' SAD

♪ SO ANY TIME YOU'RE FEELIN' BAD, 'STEAD OF FEELIN' SAD JUST REMEMBER THAT RAM ♪

BAD, 'STEAD OF FEELIN' SAD JUST REMEMBER THAT RAM ♪ ♪ OOPS, THERE GOES A

JUST REMEMBER THAT RAM ♪ ♪ OOPS, THERE GOES A BILLION-KILOWATT DAM ♪

♪ OOPS, THERE GOES A BILLION-KILOWATT DAM ♪ ♪ OOPS, THERE GOES A

BILLION-KILOWATT DAM ♪ ♪ OOPS, THERE GOES A BILLION-KILOWATT DAM ♪

♪ OOPS, THERE GOES A BILLION-KILOWATT DAM ♪ ♪ OOPS, THERE GOES A

BILLION-KILOWATT DAM ♪ ♪ OOPS, THERE GOES A BILLION-KILOWATT DAM ♪

♪ OOPS, THERE GOES A BILLION-KILOWATT DAM ♪ KER-PLUNK!

BILLION-KILOWATT DAM ♪ KER-PLUNK! NOW MR. CALIFORNIA DANCES A

KER-PLUNK! NOW MR. CALIFORNIA DANCES A SALUTE TO THE AVANT-GARDE TO

NOW MR. CALIFORNIA DANCES A SALUTE TO THE AVANT-GARDE TO STOCKHAUSEN'S OPUS 5, "ZEITMASSE

SALUTE TO THE AVANT-GARDE TO STOCKHAUSEN'S OPUS 5, "ZEITMASSE FOR WOODWINDS."

AREN'T THEY TALENTED? AND THAT TALENT WON'T TO WASTE, BECAUSE THIS YEAR'S WINNER WILL

AND THAT TALENT WON'T TO WASTE, BECAUSE THIS YEAR'S WINNER WILL MAKE HIS ACTING DEBUT WITH

BECAUSE THIS YEAR'S WINNER WILL MAKE HIS ACTING DEBUT WITH MICHAEL LANDON ON AN EPISODE OF

MAKE HIS ACTING DEBUT WITH MICHAEL LANDON ON AN EPISODE OF "LITTLE HOUSE ON THE PRAIRIE."

MICHAEL LANDON ON AN EPISODE OF "LITTLE HOUSE ON THE PRAIRIE." AND NOW WE'VE REACHED THE FINAL

"LITTLE HOUSE ON THE PRAIRIE." AND NOW WE'VE REACHED THE FINAL TEST, WHERE EACH ONE OF THE

AND NOW WE'VE REACHED THE FINAL TEST, WHERE EACH ONE OF THE FINALISTS IS ASKED A QUESTION

TEST, WHERE EACH ONE OF THE FINALISTS IS ASKED A QUESTION AND HIS ANSWER WILL BE JUDGED

FINALISTS IS ASKED A QUESTION AND HIS ANSWER WILL BE JUDGED FOR POISE AND INTELLIGENCE.

AND HIS ANSWER WILL BE JUDGED FOR POISE AND INTELLIGENCE. FIRST, MR. ARKANSAS,

FOR POISE AND INTELLIGENCE. FIRST, MR. ARKANSAS, LYLE CADONIA.

FIRST, MR. ARKANSAS, LYLE CADONIA. HELLO, LYLE.

LYLE CADONIA. HELLO, LYLE. HELLO, MISS BRYANT.

HELLO, LYLE. HELLO, MISS BRYANT. I UNDERSTAND THAT YOU HAVE A

HELLO, MISS BRYANT. I UNDERSTAND THAT YOU HAVE A BROTHER WHO'S VERY SERIOUSLY

I UNDERSTAND THAT YOU HAVE A BROTHER WHO'S VERY SERIOUSLY INJURED IN THE HOSPITAL RIGHT

BROTHER WHO'S VERY SERIOUSLY INJURED IN THE HOSPITAL RIGHT NOW.

INJURED IN THE HOSPITAL RIGHT NOW. WHAT HAPPENED?

NOW. WHAT HAPPENED? OH, IT'S NOT YOUR BROTHER.

WHAT HAPPENED? OH, IT'S NOT YOUR BROTHER. IT'S MR. CALIFORNIA'S BROTHER.

OH, IT'S NOT YOUR BROTHER. IT'S MR. CALIFORNIA'S BROTHER. I'M AWFULLY SORRY.

IT'S MR. CALIFORNIA'S BROTHER. I'M AWFULLY SORRY. I'M REALLY GLAD I'M NOT BEING

I'M AWFULLY SORRY. I'M REALLY GLAD I'M NOT BEING JUDGED HERE TONIGHT.

I'M REALLY GLAD I'M NOT BEING JUDGED HERE TONIGHT. NOW, LYLE, YOUR QUESTION...

JUDGED HERE TONIGHT. NOW, LYLE, YOUR QUESTION... DO YOU BELIEVE THAT JEWS CONTROL

NOW, LYLE, YOUR QUESTION... DO YOU BELIEVE THAT JEWS CONTROL A DISPROPORTIONATE AMOUNT OF

DO YOU BELIEVE THAT JEWS CONTROL A DISPROPORTIONATE AMOUNT OF AMERICA'S WEALTH?

A DISPROPORTIONATE AMOUNT OF AMERICA'S WEALTH? YES.

AMERICA'S WEALTH? YES. THANK YOU, LYLE.

YES. THANK YOU, LYLE. AND NOW, MR. CALIFORNIA,

THANK YOU, LYLE. AND NOW, MR. CALIFORNIA, BRAD GUTNER.

AND NOW, MR. CALIFORNIA, BRAD GUTNER. HI, BRAD.

BRAD GUTNER. HI, BRAD. HELLO, MISS BRYANT.

HI, BRAD. HELLO, MISS BRYANT. ARE YOU NERVOUS?

HELLO, MISS BRYANT. ARE YOU NERVOUS? YES, I AM A LITTLE BIT, BUT

ARE YOU NERVOUS? YES, I AM A LITTLE BIT, BUT I'D LIKE TO SAY HELLO TO MY

YES, I AM A LITTLE BIT, BUT I'D LIKE TO SAY HELLO TO MY BROTHER WHO'S IN THE HOSPITAL

I'D LIKE TO SAY HELLO TO MY BROTHER WHO'S IN THE HOSPITAL TONIGHT.

BROTHER WHO'S IN THE HOSPITAL TONIGHT. YES, WE KNOW.

TONIGHT. YES, WE KNOW. HERE'S YOUR QUESTION.

YES, WE KNOW. HERE'S YOUR QUESTION. YOU'RE PROMENADING IN THE

HERE'S YOUR QUESTION. YOU'RE PROMENADING IN THE SWIMSUIT COMPETITION AND THE

YOU'RE PROMENADING IN THE SWIMSUIT COMPETITION AND THE HEEL OF YOUR LEFT SHOE FALLS

SWIMSUIT COMPETITION AND THE HEEL OF YOUR LEFT SHOE FALLS OFF.

HEEL OF YOUR LEFT SHOE FALLS OFF. WHAT DO YOU DO?

WHAT DO YOU DO? I WOULD KICK OFF BOTH MY

I WOULD KICK OFF BOTH MY RIGHT AND MY LEFT SHOES AND JUST

RIGHT AND MY LEFT SHOES AND JUST CONTINUE PROMENADING IN MY

CONTINUE PROMENADING IN MY STOCKING FEET, AND I THINK

STOCKING FEET, AND I THINK THAT'S A MORE NATURAL WAY TO

THAT'S A MORE NATURAL WAY TO WALK IN A SWIMSUIT, ANYWAY. VERY NICE, VERY NICE.

WALK IN A SWIMSUIT, ANYWAY. VERY NICE, VERY NICE. ISN'T THAT NICE, LADIES AND

VERY NICE, VERY NICE. ISN'T THAT NICE, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN?

ISN'T THAT NICE, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN? THAT WAS WONDERFUL.

GENTLEMEN? THAT WAS WONDERFUL. THANK YOU, BOYS.

THAT WAS WONDERFUL. THANK YOU, BOYS. BY THE WAY, OUR JUDGES TONIGHT

THANK YOU, BOYS. BY THE WAY, OUR JUDGES TONIGHT ARE ORSON WELLES AND

BY THE WAY, OUR JUDGES TONIGHT ARE ORSON WELLES AND MRS. BERT PARKS.

ARE ORSON WELLES AND MRS. BERT PARKS. AND NOW AS THEY TALLY THEIR

MRS. BERT PARKS. AND NOW AS THEY TALLY THEIR BALLOTS, THE REIGNING

AND NOW AS THEY TALLY THEIR BALLOTS, THE REIGNING MR. U.S.A., CRAIG RASMUSSEN,

BALLOTS, THE REIGNING MR. U.S.A., CRAIG RASMUSSEN, WILL MAKE AN APPEARANCE AND MAKE

MR. U.S.A., CRAIG RASMUSSEN, WILL MAKE AN APPEARANCE AND MAKE THE TRADITIONAL FAREWELL STROLL.

OH, WHAT AN EXCITING YEAR I HAVE HAD. THE THRILL OF REPRESENTING MY

HAVE HAD. THE THRILL OF REPRESENTING MY NATION IN THE MR. GALAXY

THE THRILL OF REPRESENTING MY NATION IN THE MR. GALAXY PAGEANT.

NATION IN THE MR. GALAXY PAGEANT. THE SCHOLARSHIPS AND PRIZES, THE

PAGEANT. THE SCHOLARSHIPS AND PRIZES, THE EXCITEMENT OF TRAVEL.

THE SCHOLARSHIPS AND PRIZES, THE EXCITEMENT OF TRAVEL. BUT MORE IMPORTANT THAN ANY OF

EXCITEMENT OF TRAVEL. BUT MORE IMPORTANT THAN ANY OF THESE WAS THE OPPORTUNITY TO

BUT MORE IMPORTANT THAN ANY OF THESE WAS THE OPPORTUNITY TO MAKE NEW BUSINESS CONTACTS THAT

THESE WAS THE OPPORTUNITY TO MAKE NEW BUSINESS CONTACTS THAT I WILL CHERISH ALL MY LIFE.

A GREAT YEAR AND A GREAT MR. U.S.A.. AND NOW I THINK THE JUDGES HAVE REACHED THEIR

MR. U.S.A.. AND NOW I THINK THE JUDGES HAVE REACHED THEIR DECISION.

JUDGES HAVE REACHED THEIR DECISION. AM I CORRECT?

DECISION. AM I CORRECT? NOW, FIRST, I WILL READ THE NAME

AM I CORRECT? NOW, FIRST, I WILL READ THE NAME OF THE FIRST RUNNER-UP, WHO IS

NOW, FIRST, I WILL READ THE NAME OF THE FIRST RUNNER-UP, WHO IS VERY IMPORTANT SHOULD THE

OF THE FIRST RUNNER-UP, WHO IS VERY IMPORTANT SHOULD THE REIGNING MR. U.S.A. SHOULD BE

VERY IMPORTANT SHOULD THE REIGNING MR. U.S.A. SHOULD BE CAUGHT SMOKING MARIJUANA OR

REIGNING MR. U.S.A. SHOULD BE CAUGHT SMOKING MARIJUANA OR HAVING SEX.

CAUGHT SMOKING MARIJUANA OR HAVING SEX. FIRST RUNNER-UP WILL ASSUME HIS

HAVING SEX. FIRST RUNNER-UP WILL ASSUME HIS DUTIES FOR THE REMAINDER OF THE

FIRST RUNNER-UP WILL ASSUME HIS DUTIES FOR THE REMAINDER OF THE YEAR.

DUTIES FOR THE REMAINDER OF THE YEAR. I'M SO NERVOUS.

YEAR. I'M SO NERVOUS. AND THE FIRST RUNNER-UP IS

I'M SO NERVOUS. AND THE FIRST RUNNER-UP IS BRAD GUTNER, MR. CALIFORNIA.

AND THE FIRST RUNNER-UP IS BRAD GUTNER, MR. CALIFORNIA. MR. U.S.A. 1978 IS LYLE CADONIA,

BRAD GUTNER, MR. CALIFORNIA. MR. U.S.A. 1978 IS LYLE CADONIA, MR. ARKANSAS!

MR. U.S.A. 1978 IS LYLE CADONIA, MR. ARKANSAS! ARE YOU READY TO HEAR YOUR SONG?

MR. ARKANSAS! ARE YOU READY TO HEAR YOUR SONG? [BAND PLAYING]

ARE YOU READY TO HEAR YOUR SONG? [BAND PLAYING] ♪ SMART YOU ARE ♪

[BAND PLAYING] ♪ SMART YOU ARE ♪ ♪ YOU EVEN LIKE ART, YOU ARE ♪

♪ SMART YOU ARE ♪ ♪ YOU EVEN LIKE ART, YOU ARE ♪ ♪ OH, HEART, YOU ARE,

♪ YOU EVEN LIKE ART, YOU ARE ♪ ♪ OH, HEART, YOU ARE, MR. U-S-A! ♪

NOW FOLKS, ONCE AGAIN, HERE'S JACKSON BROWNE WITH "THE PRETENDER."

JACKSON BROWNE WITH "THE PRETENDER." ["THE PRETENDER" PLAYS]

♪ I'M GONNA RENT MYSELF A HOUSE ♪ ♪ IN THE SHADE OF THE FREEWAY ♪

A HOUSE ♪ ♪ IN THE SHADE OF THE FREEWAY ♪ ♪ I'M GONNA PACK MY LUNCH

♪ IN THE SHADE OF THE FREEWAY ♪ ♪ I'M GONNA PACK MY LUNCH IN THE MORNING ♪

♪ I'M GONNA PACK MY LUNCH IN THE MORNING ♪ ♪ AND GO TO WORK EACH DAY ♪

IN THE MORNING ♪ ♪ AND GO TO WORK EACH DAY ♪ ♪ WHEN THE EVENING

♪ AND GO TO WORK EACH DAY ♪ ♪ WHEN THE EVENING ROLLS AROUND ♪

♪ WHEN THE EVENING ROLLS AROUND ♪ ♪ I'LL GO ON HOME

ROLLS AROUND ♪ ♪ I'LL GO ON HOME AND LAY MY BODY DOWN ♪

♪ I'LL GO ON HOME AND LAY MY BODY DOWN ♪ ♪ AND WHEN THE MORNING LIGHT

AND LAY MY BODY DOWN ♪ ♪ AND WHEN THE MORNING LIGHT COMES STREAMING IN ♪

♪ AND WHEN THE MORNING LIGHT COMES STREAMING IN ♪ ♪ I'LL GET UP AND DO IT AGAIN ♪

COMES STREAMING IN ♪ ♪ I'LL GET UP AND DO IT AGAIN ♪ ♪ AMEN ♪

♪ I'LL GET UP AND DO IT AGAIN ♪ ♪ AMEN ♪ ♪ SAY IT AGAIN ♪

♪ AMEN ♪ ♪ SAY IT AGAIN ♪ ♪ AMEN ♪

♪ SAY IT AGAIN ♪ ♪ AMEN ♪ ♪ I WANT TO KNOW WHAT BECAME

♪ AMEN ♪ ♪ I WANT TO KNOW WHAT BECAME OF THE CHANGES ♪

♪ I WANT TO KNOW WHAT BECAME OF THE CHANGES ♪ ♪ WE WAITED FOR LOVE TO BRING ♪

OF THE CHANGES ♪ ♪ WE WAITED FOR LOVE TO BRING ♪ ♪ WERE THEY ONLY

♪ WE WAITED FOR LOVE TO BRING ♪ ♪ WERE THEY ONLY THE FITFUL DREAMS ♪

♪ WERE THEY ONLY THE FITFUL DREAMS ♪ ♪ OF SOME GREATER AWAKENING? ♪

THE FITFUL DREAMS ♪ ♪ OF SOME GREATER AWAKENING? ♪ ♪ I'VE BEEN AWARE OF THE TIME

♪ OF SOME GREATER AWAKENING? ♪ ♪ I'VE BEEN AWARE OF THE TIME GOING BY ♪

♪ I'VE BEEN AWARE OF THE TIME GOING BY ♪ ♪ THEY SAY IN THE END,

GOING BY ♪ ♪ THEY SAY IN THE END, IT'S THE WINK OF AN EYE ♪

♪ THEY SAY IN THE END, IT'S THE WINK OF AN EYE ♪ ♪ WHEN THE MORNING LIGHT COMES

IT'S THE WINK OF AN EYE ♪ ♪ WHEN THE MORNING LIGHT COMES STREAMING IN ♪

♪ WHEN THE MORNING LIGHT COMES STREAMING IN ♪ ♪ YOU'LL GET UP

STREAMING IN ♪ ♪ YOU'LL GET UP AND DO IT AGAIN ♪

♪ YOU'LL GET UP AND DO IT AGAIN ♪ ♪ AMEN ♪

AND DO IT AGAIN ♪ ♪ AMEN ♪ ♪ CAUGHT BETWEEN

♪ AMEN ♪ ♪ CAUGHT BETWEEN THE LONGING FOR LOVE ♪

♪ CAUGHT BETWEEN THE LONGING FOR LOVE ♪ ♪ AND THE STRUGGLE

THE LONGING FOR LOVE ♪ ♪ AND THE STRUGGLE FOR THE LEGAL TENDER ♪

♪ AND THE STRUGGLE FOR THE LEGAL TENDER ♪ ♪ WHERE THE SIRENS SING

FOR THE LEGAL TENDER ♪ ♪ WHERE THE SIRENS SING AND THE CHURCH BELLS RING ♪

♪ WHERE THE SIRENS SING AND THE CHURCH BELLS RING ♪ ♪ AND THE JUNKMAN

AND THE CHURCH BELLS RING ♪ ♪ AND THE JUNKMAN POUNDS HIS FENDER ♪

♪ AND THE JUNKMAN POUNDS HIS FENDER ♪ ♪ WHERE THE VETERANS

POUNDS HIS FENDER ♪ ♪ WHERE THE VETERANS DREAM OF THE FIGHT ♪

♪ WHERE THE VETERANS DREAM OF THE FIGHT ♪ ♪ FAST ASLEEP

DREAM OF THE FIGHT ♪ ♪ FAST ASLEEP AT THE TRAFFIC LIGHT ♪

♪ FAST ASLEEP AT THE TRAFFIC LIGHT ♪ ♪ AND THE CHILDREN SOLEMNLY WAIT

AT THE TRAFFIC LIGHT ♪ ♪ AND THE CHILDREN SOLEMNLY WAIT FOR THE ICE-CREAM VENDOR ♪

♪ AND THE CHILDREN SOLEMNLY WAIT FOR THE ICE-CREAM VENDOR ♪ ♪ OUT INTO THE COOL OF THE

FOR THE ICE-CREAM VENDOR ♪ ♪ OUT INTO THE COOL OF THE EVENING STROLLS THE PRETENDER ♪

♪ OUT INTO THE COOL OF THE EVENING STROLLS THE PRETENDER ♪ ♪ HE KNOWS THAT ALL HIS HOPES

EVENING STROLLS THE PRETENDER ♪ ♪ HE KNOWS THAT ALL HIS HOPES AND DREAMS BEGIN AND END THERE ♪

♪ AH, THE LAUGHTER OF THE LOVERS AS THEY RUN THROUGH THE NIGHT ♪ ♪ LEAVING NOTHING FOR THE OTHERS

AS THEY RUN THROUGH THE NIGHT ♪ ♪ LEAVING NOTHING FOR THE OTHERS BUT TO CHOOSE OFF AND FIGHT ♪

♪ LEAVING NOTHING FOR THE OTHERS BUT TO CHOOSE OFF AND FIGHT ♪ ♪ AND TEAR AT THE WORLD

BUT TO CHOOSE OFF AND FIGHT ♪ ♪ AND TEAR AT THE WORLD WITH ALL THEIR MIGHT ♪

♪ AND TEAR AT THE WORLD WITH ALL THEIR MIGHT ♪ ♪ WHILE THE SHIPS BEARING THEIR

WITH ALL THEIR MIGHT ♪ ♪ WHILE THE SHIPS BEARING THEIR DREAMS SAIL OUT OF SIGHT ♪

♪ WHILE THE SHIPS BEARING THEIR DREAMS SAIL OUT OF SIGHT ♪ ♪ I'M GONNA FIND MYSELF A GIRL ♪

DREAMS SAIL OUT OF SIGHT ♪ ♪ I'M GONNA FIND MYSELF A GIRL ♪ ♪ WHO CAN SHOW ME

♪ I'M GONNA FIND MYSELF A GIRL ♪ ♪ WHO CAN SHOW ME WHAT LAUGHTER MEANS ♪

♪ WHO CAN SHOW ME WHAT LAUGHTER MEANS ♪ ♪ AND WE'LL FILL IN

WHAT LAUGHTER MEANS ♪ ♪ AND WE'LL FILL IN THE MISSING COLORS ♪

♪ AND WE'LL FILL IN THE MISSING COLORS ♪ ♪ IN EACH OTHER'S

THE MISSING COLORS ♪ ♪ IN EACH OTHER'S PAINT-BY-NUMBER DREAMS ♪

♪ IN EACH OTHER'S PAINT-BY-NUMBER DREAMS ♪ ♪ AND THEN WE'LL PUT

PAINT-BY-NUMBER DREAMS ♪ ♪ AND THEN WE'LL PUT OUR DARK GLASSES ON ♪

♪ AND THEN WE'LL PUT OUR DARK GLASSES ON ♪ ♪ AND WE'LL MAKE LOVE

OUR DARK GLASSES ON ♪ ♪ AND WE'LL MAKE LOVE UNTIL OUR STRENGTH IS GONE ♪

♪ AND WE'LL MAKE LOVE UNTIL OUR STRENGTH IS GONE ♪ ♪ AND WHEN THE MORNING LIGHT

UNTIL OUR STRENGTH IS GONE ♪ ♪ AND WHEN THE MORNING LIGHT COMES STREAMING IN ♪

♪ AND WHEN THE MORNING LIGHT COMES STREAMING IN ♪ ♪ WE'LL GET UP AND DO IT AGAIN ♪

COMES STREAMING IN ♪ ♪ WE'LL GET UP AND DO IT AGAIN ♪ ♪ GET IT UP AGAIN ♪

♪ WE'LL GET UP AND DO IT AGAIN ♪ ♪ GET IT UP AGAIN ♪ ♪ I'M GONNA BE A HAPPY IDIOT AND

♪ GET IT UP AGAIN ♪ ♪ I'M GONNA BE A HAPPY IDIOT AND STRUGGLE FOR THE LEGAL TENDER ♪

♪ I'M GONNA BE A HAPPY IDIOT AND STRUGGLE FOR THE LEGAL TENDER ♪ ♪ WHERE THE ADS TAKE AIM ♪

STRUGGLE FOR THE LEGAL TENDER ♪ ♪ WHERE THE ADS TAKE AIM ♪ ♪ AND LAY THEIR CLAIM ♪

♪ WHERE THE ADS TAKE AIM ♪ ♪ AND LAY THEIR CLAIM ♪ ♪ TO THE HEART AND THE SOUL

♪ AND LAY THEIR CLAIM ♪ ♪ TO THE HEART AND THE SOUL OF THE SPENDER ♪

♪ TO THE HEART AND THE SOUL OF THE SPENDER ♪ ♪ AND BELIEVE

OF THE SPENDER ♪ ♪ AND BELIEVE IN WHATEVER MAY LIE ♪

♪ AND BELIEVE IN WHATEVER MAY LIE ♪ ♪ IN THOSE THINGS

IN WHATEVER MAY LIE ♪ ♪ IN THOSE THINGS THAT MONEY CAN BUY ♪

♪ IN THOSE THINGS THAT MONEY CAN BUY ♪ ♪ THOUGH TRUE LOVE COULD HAVE

THAT MONEY CAN BUY ♪ ♪ THOUGH TRUE LOVE COULD HAVE BEEN A CONTENDER ♪

♪ THOUGH TRUE LOVE COULD HAVE BEEN A CONTENDER ♪ ♪ ARE YOU THERE? ♪

BEEN A CONTENDER ♪ ♪ ARE YOU THERE? ♪ ♪ SAY A PRAYER

♪ ARE YOU THERE? ♪ ♪ SAY A PRAYER FOR THE PRETENDER ♪

♪ SAY A PRAYER FOR THE PRETENDER ♪ ♪ WHO STARTED OUT

FOR THE PRETENDER ♪ ♪ WHO STARTED OUT SO YOUNG AND STRONG ♪

♪ WHO STARTED OUT SO YOUNG AND STRONG ♪ ♪ ONLY TO SURRENDER ♪

SO YOUNG AND STRONG ♪ ♪ ONLY TO SURRENDER ♪ ♪ SAY A PRAYER ♪

♪ ONLY TO SURRENDER ♪ ♪ SAY A PRAYER ♪ ♪ SAY A PRAYER

♪ SAY A PRAYER ♪ ♪ SAY A PRAYER FOR THE PRETENDER ♪

♪ SAY A PRAYER FOR THE PRETENDER ♪ ♪ ARE YOU THERE? ♪

FOR THE PRETENDER ♪ ♪ ARE YOU THERE? ♪ ♪ ARE YOU THERE

♪ ARE YOU THERE? ♪ ♪ ARE YOU THERE FOR THE PRETENDER? ♪

♪ ARE YOU THERE FOR THE PRETENDER? ♪ ♪ SAY A PRAYER ♪

FOR THE PRETENDER? ♪ ♪ SAY A PRAYER ♪ ♪ SAY A PRAYER

♪ SAY A PRAYER ♪ ♪ SAY A PRAYER FOR THE PRETENDER ♪

♪ SAY A PRAYER FOR THE PRETENDER ♪ ♪ ARE YOU THERE? ♪

FOR THE PRETENDER ♪ ♪ ARE YOU THERE? ♪ ♪ ARE YOU THERE

♪ ARE YOU THERE? ♪ ♪ ARE YOU THERE FOR THE PRETENDER? ♪

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

Announcer: SOMEDAY, EVERYONE WILL OWN A WATCH LIKE THIS. NOW IT IS AVAILABLE ONLY FOR THE

WILL OWN A WATCH LIKE THIS. NOW IT IS AVAILABLE ONLY FOR THE PRIVILEGED FEW.

NOW IT IS AVAILABLE ONLY FOR THE PRIVILEGED FEW. [DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]

THE MOGASAKI CORPORATION OF

TOKYO IS HONORED TO ANNOUNCE...

KROMEGA III.

A WATCH SO COMPLEX IT TAKES TWO PEOPLE TO MAKE IT WORK. ONE HAND WEARS THE WATCH.

PEOPLE TO MAKE IT WORK. ONE HAND WEARS THE WATCH. THE OTHER HAND PRESSES THE

ONE HAND WEARS THE WATCH. THE OTHER HAND PRESSES THE BUTTONS THAT ACTIVATE THE 100%

THE OTHER HAND PRESSES THE BUTTONS THAT ACTIVATE THE 100% SOLID-STATE MULTIFUNCTION

BUTTONS THAT ACTIVATE THE 100% SOLID-STATE MULTIFUNCTION DIGITAL QUARTZ CRYSTAL

SOLID-STATE MULTIFUNCTION DIGITAL QUARTZ CRYSTAL MICROCOMPUTER UNIT, AND NOW

DIGITAL QUARTZ CRYSTAL MICROCOMPUTER UNIT, AND NOW YOU'RE READY FOR THE THIRD HAND

MICROCOMPUTER UNIT, AND NOW YOU'RE READY FOR THE THIRD HAND TO TRIGGER THE LIGHT-EMITTING

YOU'RE READY FOR THE THIRD HAND TO TRIGGER THE LIGHT-EMITTING DIODE AND GIVE YOU A PRECISE

TO TRIGGER THE LIGHT-EMITTING DIODE AND GIVE YOU A PRECISE ALPHANUMERIC TIME READOUT

DIODE AND GIVE YOU A PRECISE ALPHANUMERIC TIME READOUT ACCURATE TO WITHIN NINE SECONDS

ALPHANUMERIC TIME READOUT ACCURATE TO WITHIN NINE SECONDS A YEAR.

ACCURATE TO WITHIN NINE SECONDS A YEAR. IT'S THAT SIMPLE.

A YEAR. IT'S THAT SIMPLE. KROMEGA III.

IT'S THAT SIMPLE. KROMEGA III. COMMAND-CRAFTED IN RUGGED,

KROMEGA III. COMMAND-CRAFTED IN RUGGED, IMPACT-RESISTANT BRUSHED CHROME.

COMMAND-CRAFTED IN RUGGED, IMPACT-RESISTANT BRUSHED CHROME. IT'S NO WONDER THAT PROFESSIONAL

IMPACT-RESISTANT BRUSHED CHROME. IT'S NO WONDER THAT PROFESSIONAL SKIERS PREFER KROMEGA III OVER

IT'S NO WONDER THAT PROFESSIONAL SKIERS PREFER KROMEGA III OVER ANY ORDINARY TIMEPIECE.

SKIERS PREFER KROMEGA III OVER ANY ORDINARY TIMEPIECE. AND I LOVE LADY KROMEGA III.

ANY ORDINARY TIMEPIECE. AND I LOVE LADY KROMEGA III. THE SLEEK, SPACE-AGE STYLING

AND I LOVE LADY KROMEGA III. THE SLEEK, SPACE-AGE STYLING COMPLIMENTS ANY OUTFIT, AND THE

THE SLEEK, SPACE-AGE STYLING COMPLIMENTS ANY OUTFIT, AND THE CLEARLY DISPLAYED PERPETUAL

COMPLIMENTS ANY OUTFIT, AND THE CLEARLY DISPLAYED PERPETUAL CALENDAR HELPS ME TO REMEMBER MY

CLEARLY DISPLAYED PERPETUAL CALENDAR HELPS ME TO REMEMBER MY MANY APPOINTMENTS.

CALENDAR HELPS ME TO REMEMBER MY MANY APPOINTMENTS. WOULD YOU MIND?

MANY APPOINTMENTS. WOULD YOU MIND? THANK YOU.

WOULD YOU MIND? THANK YOU. Announcer: KROMEGA III.

THANK YOU. Announcer: KROMEGA III. [DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]

IT'S LIKE ASKING A STRANGER FOR

THE TIME.

GOOD NIGHT, EVERYBODY.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

[BAND PLAYS]