Original subtitles

THERE'S NOTHING I CAN DO ABOUT IT. I MEAN, I JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT

ABOUT IT. I MEAN, I JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT IT.

I MEAN, I JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT IT. I'M SORRY.

IT. I'M SORRY. IT'S TYPICAL!

I'M SORRY. IT'S TYPICAL! IT'S JUST TYPICAL.

IT'S TYPICAL! IT'S JUST TYPICAL. LISTEN.

IT'S JUST TYPICAL. LISTEN. WE'RE ALL REHEARSED.

LISTEN. WE'RE ALL REHEARSED. LOOK.

WE'RE ALL REHEARSED. LOOK. I'M IN THE COSTUME.

LOOK. I'M IN THE COSTUME. I'M ALL READY.

I'M IN THE COSTUME. I'M ALL READY. THERE'S NOTHING YOU CAN DO?

I'M ALL READY. THERE'S NOTHING YOU CAN DO? I JUST GOT THE WORD MYSELF.

THERE'S NOTHING YOU CAN DO? I JUST GOT THE WORD MYSELF. HI.

I JUST GOT THE WORD MYSELF. HI. I'M NOT MISS USA.

HI. I'M NOT MISS USA. I'M SHELLEY DUVALL.

I'M NOT MISS USA. I'M SHELLEY DUVALL. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

I'M SHELLEY DUVALL. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] OH!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] OH! ORIGINALLY, WE WERE GONNA START

OH! ORIGINALLY, WE WERE GONNA START THE SHOW TONIGHT WITH ME AND

ORIGINALLY, WE WERE GONNA START THE SHOW TONIGHT WITH ME AND JOHN BELUSHI DOING THE LOVE

THE SHOW TONIGHT WITH ME AND JOHN BELUSHI DOING THE LOVE SCENE FROM THE "FLIGHT OF THE

JOHN BELUSHI DOING THE LOVE SCENE FROM THE "FLIGHT OF THE BUMBLEBEE."

SCENE FROM THE "FLIGHT OF THE BUMBLEBEE." THAT'S HOW COME I'M DRESSED LIKE

BUMBLEBEE." THAT'S HOW COME I'M DRESSED LIKE THIS.

THAT'S HOW COME I'M DRESSED LIKE THIS. BUT JUST NOW A NETWORK EXECUTIVE

THIS. BUT JUST NOW A NETWORK EXECUTIVE CONTACTED OUR PRODUCER,

BUT JUST NOW A NETWORK EXECUTIVE CONTACTED OUR PRODUCER, LORNE MICHAELS, AND WE HAD TO

CONTACTED OUR PRODUCER, LORNE MICHAELS, AND WE HAD TO CHANGE OUR PLANS.

LORNE MICHAELS, AND WE HAD TO CHANGE OUR PLANS. YOU SEE, THERE'S THIS MEMO HERE.

CHANGE OUR PLANS. YOU SEE, THERE'S THIS MEMO HERE. [CHUCKLES]

YOU SEE, THERE'S THIS MEMO HERE. [CHUCKLES] "TO ALL NBC PRODUCERS... BECAUSE

[CHUCKLES] "TO ALL NBC PRODUCERS... BECAUSE OF THE HIGH COST-PER-MINUTE

"TO ALL NBC PRODUCERS... BECAUSE OF THE HIGH COST-PER-MINUTE RATIO OF THE RECENT

OF THE HIGH COST-PER-MINUTE RATIO OF THE RECENT DUANE BOBICK-KEN NORTON FIGHT,

RATIO OF THE RECENT DUANE BOBICK-KEN NORTON FIGHT, TELECAST ORIGINALLY ON MAY 11th,

DUANE BOBICK-KEN NORTON FIGHT, TELECAST ORIGINALLY ON MAY 11th, WHICH UNFORTUNATELY LASTED ONLY

TELECAST ORIGINALLY ON MAY 11th, WHICH UNFORTUNATELY LASTED ONLY 58 SECONDS, ALL NBC PROGRAMS

WHICH UNFORTUNATELY LASTED ONLY 58 SECONDS, ALL NBC PROGRAMS BROADCAST BETWEEN NOW AND

58 SECONDS, ALL NBC PROGRAMS BROADCAST BETWEEN NOW AND JUNE 15th WILL BEGIN WITH THE

BROADCAST BETWEEN NOW AND JUNE 15th WILL BEGIN WITH THE AFOREMENTIONED BOBICK-NORTON

JUNE 15th WILL BEGIN WITH THE AFOREMENTIONED BOBICK-NORTON FIGHT.

AFOREMENTIONED BOBICK-NORTON FIGHT. KINDEST REGARDS, PROGRAMMING

FIGHT. KINDEST REGARDS, PROGRAMMING UNIT AC-917."

KINDEST REGARDS, PROGRAMMING UNIT AC-917." WELL, THAT'S BIG BUSINESS.

UNIT AC-917." WELL, THAT'S BIG BUSINESS. SO HERE WE GO.

WELL, THAT'S BIG BUSINESS. SO HERE WE GO. I THINK.

SO HERE WE GO. I THINK. [BELL DINGS]

I THINK. [BELL DINGS] [LAUGHTER]

THEY CUT THE LOVE SCENE FROM THE "FLIGHT OF THE BUMBLEBEE" FOR THIS?

THE "FLIGHT OF THE BUMBLEBEE" FOR THIS? HEY, I WAS WATCHING THAT.

FOR THIS? HEY, I WAS WATCHING THAT. YEAH, WELL, CATCH IT IN

HEY, I WAS WATCHING THAT. YEAH, WELL, CATCH IT IN RERUNS.

YEAH, WELL, CATCH IT IN RERUNS. IT'S DRIVING ME UP THE WALL.

RERUNS. IT'S DRIVING ME UP THE WALL. BACK OFF, MISS LINT HAIR.

IT'S DRIVING ME UP THE WALL. BACK OFF, MISS LINT HAIR. MISS LOOKS LIKE SHE SLEPT IN A

BACK OFF, MISS LINT HAIR. MISS LOOKS LIKE SHE SLEPT IN A DOGGIE BAG.

MISS LOOKS LIKE SHE SLEPT IN A DOGGIE BAG. WHY, YOU...

DOGGIE BAG. WHY, YOU... NO! STOP IT!

WHY, YOU... NO! STOP IT! ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, YOU

NO! STOP IT! ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, YOU TWO!

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, YOU TWO! KNOCK IT OFF! KNOCK IT OFF!

TWO! KNOCK IT OFF! KNOCK IT OFF! OR I'LL PUT YOUR DENTIST IN A

KNOCK IT OFF! KNOCK IT OFF! OR I'LL PUT YOUR DENTIST IN A NEW TAX BRACKET.

OR I'LL PUT YOUR DENTIST IN A NEW TAX BRACKET. AW, SHUT UP, OR I'LL LET THE

NEW TAX BRACKET. AW, SHUT UP, OR I'LL LET THE AIR OUT OF YOUR LEGS.

AW, SHUT UP, OR I'LL LET THE AIR OUT OF YOUR LEGS. GIVE ME THAT!

AIR OUT OF YOUR LEGS. GIVE ME THAT! THANK GOD YOU MAKE MOVIES

GIVE ME THAT! THANK GOD YOU MAKE MOVIES WITH A BETTER CLASS OF PEOPLE.

THANK GOD YOU MAKE MOVIES WITH A BETTER CLASS OF PEOPLE. HEY, HEY!

WITH A BETTER CLASS OF PEOPLE. HEY, HEY! NICE TEETH.

HEY, HEY! NICE TEETH. WHY DON'T YOU TATTOO "STEINWAY"

NICE TEETH. WHY DON'T YOU TATTOO "STEINWAY" ON YOUR UPPER LIP?

WHY DON'T YOU TATTOO "STEINWAY" ON YOUR UPPER LIP? YEAH, SHELLEY, WHAT DID YOU

ON YOUR UPPER LIP? YEAH, SHELLEY, WHAT DID YOU DO, BRUSH YOUR WAY TO THE TOP?

YEAH, SHELLEY, WHAT DID YOU DO, BRUSH YOUR WAY TO THE TOP? YEAH.

DO, BRUSH YOUR WAY TO THE TOP? YEAH. YOU SELDOM FIND EYES LIKE THAT

YEAH. YOU SELDOM FIND EYES LIKE THAT OUTSIDE OF A MOUSE CARTOON.

YOU SELDOM FIND EYES LIKE THAT OUTSIDE OF A MOUSE CARTOON. HEH!

OUTSIDE OF A MOUSE CARTOON. HEH! I'VE NEVER DONE LIVE

HEH! I'VE NEVER DONE LIVE TELEVISION.

I'VE NEVER DONE LIVE TELEVISION. I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE, YOU

TELEVISION. I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE, YOU KNOW?

I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE, YOU KNOW? IT'S JUST TOO MUCH.

KNOW? IT'S JUST TOO MUCH. YEAH, WELL, IF YOU WANT TO DO

IT'S JUST TOO MUCH. YEAH, WELL, IF YOU WANT TO DO TELEVISION, YOU BETTER LEARN TO

YEAH, WELL, IF YOU WANT TO DO TELEVISION, YOU BETTER LEARN TO TAKE IT, CUPCAKE.

TELEVISION, YOU BETTER LEARN TO TAKE IT, CUPCAKE. THAT'S RIGHT.

TAKE IT, CUPCAKE. THAT'S RIGHT. IF YOU CAN'T STAND THE HEAT,

THAT'S RIGHT. IF YOU CAN'T STAND THE HEAT, STAY OUT OF THE KITCHEN, OKAY?

IF YOU CAN'T STAND THE HEAT, STAY OUT OF THE KITCHEN, OKAY? LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S

STAY OUT OF THE KITCHEN, OKAY? LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S "SATURDAY NIGHT"!

LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S "SATURDAY NIGHT"! I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL.

"SATURDAY NIGHT"! I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL. WE ALL KNOW HOW YOU FEEL.

I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL. WE ALL KNOW HOW YOU FEEL. WE WERE ONCE SERIOUS ACTRESSES.

WE ALL KNOW HOW YOU FEEL. WE WERE ONCE SERIOUS ACTRESSES. REALLY?

WE WERE ONCE SERIOUS ACTRESSES. REALLY? YEAH, YEAH, RIGHT.

REALLY? YEAH, YEAH, RIGHT. BUT WEEKLY TV MADE US TOUGH.

YEAH, YEAH, RIGHT. BUT WEEKLY TV MADE US TOUGH. YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN, HONEY?

BUT WEEKLY TV MADE US TOUGH. YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN, HONEY? WISE UP, SWEETHEART.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN, HONEY? WISE UP, SWEETHEART. YOU GOT A WHOLE SHOW TO HOST OUT

WISE UP, SWEETHEART. YOU GOT A WHOLE SHOW TO HOST OUT THERE.

YOU GOT A WHOLE SHOW TO HOST OUT THERE. GET WITH IT OR GET OUT!

THERE. GET WITH IT OR GET OUT! ALL RIGHT.

GET WITH IT OR GET OUT! ALL RIGHT. LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING, KID.

ALL RIGHT. LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING, KID. WITH PORES THAT SIZE, YOU COULD

LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING, KID. WITH PORES THAT SIZE, YOU COULD DRILL FOR OIL.

WITH PORES THAT SIZE, YOU COULD DRILL FOR OIL. OKAY, SHELLEY!

DRILL FOR OIL. OKAY, SHELLEY! OH, WHICH ONE OF YOU LOWLIFES

OKAY, SHELLEY! OH, WHICH ONE OF YOU LOWLIFES PUT A CIGARETTE OUT IN MY TAB?

OH, WHICH ONE OF YOU LOWLIFES PUT A CIGARETTE OUT IN MY TAB? NOT ME!

PUT A CIGARETTE OUT IN MY TAB? NOT ME! OKAY, GALS, LET'S GO.

NOT ME! OKAY, GALS, LET'S GO. YOU GOT 30 SECONDS.

OKAY, GALS, LET'S GO. YOU GOT 30 SECONDS. YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE IN

YOU GOT 30 SECONDS. YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE IN HERE.

YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE IN HERE. OOH, 30 SECONDS! OKAY!

Announcer: GARRETT MORRIS, BILL MURRAY, LARAINE NEWMAN, AND GILDA RADNER.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THE VIDEO VIXENS. [UP-TEMPO INTRODUCTION PLAYS]

WHOO! ♪ THEY CALL US JOKE JUNKIES AND PUNCH-LINE PUNKS ♪

♪ THEY CALL US JOKE JUNKIES AND PUNCH-LINE PUNKS ♪ ♪ AND WHEN WE HEAR THEM TALKIN'

AND PUNCH-LINE PUNKS ♪ ♪ AND WHEN WE HEAR THEM TALKIN' WE GET IN COAST-TO-COAST FUNKS ♪

♪ AND WHEN WE HEAR THEM TALKIN' WE GET IN COAST-TO-COAST FUNKS ♪ ♪ BUT THEY CAN JUST SAY

WE GET IN COAST-TO-COAST FUNKS ♪ ♪ BUT THEY CAN JUST SAY WHAT THEY WANT ♪

♪ BUT THEY CAN JUST SAY WHAT THEY WANT ♪ ♪ 'CAUSE WE REMEMBER STICKS AND

WHAT THEY WANT ♪ ♪ 'CAUSE WE REMEMBER STICKS AND STONES CAN'T BREAK THE BONES

♪ 'CAUSE WE REMEMBER STICKS AND STONES CAN'T BREAK THE BONES OF A VIDEO VIXEN ♪

STONES CAN'T BREAK THE BONES OF A VIDEO VIXEN ♪ HEY!

OF A VIDEO VIXEN ♪ HEY! HEY!

HEY! HEY! ♪ WE'RE VIDEO VIXENS ♪

HEY! ♪ WE'RE VIDEO VIXENS ♪ ♪ AND THIS IS HOW WE GET

♪ WE'RE VIDEO VIXENS ♪ ♪ AND THIS IS HOW WE GET OUR LICKS IN ♪

♪ AND THIS IS HOW WE GET OUR LICKS IN ♪ ♪ EVERY WEEK

OUR LICKS IN ♪ ♪ EVERY WEEK FOR AN HOUR AND A HALF ♪

♪ EVERY WEEK FOR AN HOUR AND A HALF ♪ ♪ ALL WE WANT TO DO

FOR AN HOUR AND A HALF ♪ ♪ ALL WE WANT TO DO IS MAKE YOU...

♪ ALL WE WANT TO DO IS MAKE YOU... ♪ LAUGH HARD ♪

IS MAKE YOU... ♪ LAUGH HARD ♪ ♪ UHH UHH ♪

♪ LAUGH HARD ♪ ♪ UHH UHH ♪ ♪ HARDER ♪

♪ UHH UHH ♪ ♪ HARDER ♪ ♪ UHH UHH UHH ♪

♪ HARDER ♪ ♪ UHH UHH UHH ♪ ♪ HARDER ♪

♪ UHH UHH UHH ♪ ♪ HARDER ♪ ♪ UHH UHH UHH ♪

♪ HARDER ♪ ♪ UHH UHH UHH ♪ ♪ HARDER ♪

♪ UHH UHH UHH ♪ ♪ HARDER ♪ ♪ UHH UHH UHH ♪

♪ HARDER ♪ ♪ UHH UHH UHH ♪ ♪ WHEN WE COME ON

♪ UHH UHH UHH ♪ ♪ WHEN WE COME ON TO YOUR SCREEN,

♪ WHEN WE COME ON TO YOUR SCREEN, IT MAKES US FEEL

TO YOUR SCREEN, IT MAKES US FEEL JUST LIKE A QUEEN ♪

IT MAKES US FEEL JUST LIKE A QUEEN ♪ ♪ ALL WE WANNA DO ONCE A WEEK

JUST LIKE A QUEEN ♪ ♪ ALL WE WANNA DO ONCE A WEEK IS TO PUT OUR TONGUE

♪ ALL WE WANNA DO ONCE A WEEK IS TO PUT OUR TONGUE IN YOUR CHEEK ♪

IS TO PUT OUR TONGUE IN YOUR CHEEK ♪ ♪ BABA WAWA MAKES YOU

IN YOUR CHEEK ♪ ♪ BABA WAWA MAKES YOU FEEL SO GOOD ♪

♪ BABA WAWA MAKES YOU FEEL SO GOOD ♪ ♪ "UPDATE" MAKES YOU HAPPY

FEEL SO GOOD ♪ ♪ "UPDATE" MAKES YOU HAPPY LIKE I KNEW IT WOULD ♪

♪ "UPDATE" MAKES YOU HAPPY LIKE I KNEW IT WOULD ♪ ♪ AND AS YOUR HOST

LIKE I KNEW IT WOULD ♪ ♪ AND AS YOUR HOST YOU'LL FIND ME OH, SO NICE ♪

♪ AND AS YOUR HOST YOU'LL FIND ME OH, SO NICE ♪ ♪ WHEN I'M SHERRY, YOU JUST

YOU'LL FIND ME OH, SO NICE ♪ ♪ WHEN I'M SHERRY, YOU JUST WANT ME TO DO IT TWICE ♪

♪ WHEN I'M SHERRY, YOU JUST WANT ME TO DO IT TWICE ♪ AND THE ONLY WAY WE REALLY LIKE

WANT ME TO DO IT TWICE ♪ AND THE ONLY WAY WE REALLY LIKE IT IS WITH 40 MILLION PEOPLE

AND THE ONLY WAY WE REALLY LIKE IT IS WITH 40 MILLION PEOPLE WATCHING.

IT IS WITH 40 MILLION PEOPLE WATCHING. ♪ AHH ♪

WATCHING. ♪ AHH ♪ ♪ WE'RE VIDEO VIXENS,

♪ AHH ♪ ♪ WE'RE VIDEO VIXENS, AND THIS IS HOW WE GET

♪ WE'RE VIDEO VIXENS, AND THIS IS HOW WE GET OUR LICKS IN ♪

AND THIS IS HOW WE GET OUR LICKS IN ♪ ♪ YOU TURN US ON EVERY WEEK ♪

OUR LICKS IN ♪ ♪ YOU TURN US ON EVERY WEEK ♪ ♪ IT'S TRUE ♪

♪ YOU TURN US ON EVERY WEEK ♪ ♪ IT'S TRUE ♪ ♪ THAT'S WHY OUR RATINGS

♪ IT'S TRUE ♪ ♪ THAT'S WHY OUR RATINGS DON'T GO DOWN ON YOU ♪

♪ THAT'S WHY OUR RATINGS DON'T GO DOWN ON YOU ♪ ♪ GO DOWN ON YOU ♪

DON'T GO DOWN ON YOU ♪ ♪ GO DOWN ON YOU ♪ ♪ GO DOWN ON YOU ♪

♪ GO DOWN ON YOU ♪ ♪ GO DOWN ON YOU ♪ ♪ GO DOWN ON YOU ♪

♪ GO DOWN ON YOU ♪ ♪ GO DOWN ON YOU ♪ ♪ GO DOWN ON YOU ♪

♪ GO DOWN ON YOU ♪ ♪ GO DOWN ON YOU ♪ WELL, EXCU-U-U-SE ME!

♪ GO DOWN ON YOU ♪ WELL, EXCU-U-U-SE ME! WE AIN'T AFRAID OF NO ONE IN

WELL, EXCU-U-U-SE ME! WE AIN'T AFRAID OF NO ONE IN PRIME TIME, AND THEY BETTER

WE AIN'T AFRAID OF NO ONE IN PRIME TIME, AND THEY BETTER BEWARE!

PRIME TIME, AND THEY BETTER BEWARE! WE'D TAKE ON RHODA, PHYLLIS, OR

BEWARE! WE'D TAKE ON RHODA, PHYLLIS, OR LAVERNE AND SHIRLEY, WE SWEAR!

WE'D TAKE ON RHODA, PHYLLIS, OR LAVERNE AND SHIRLEY, WE SWEAR! WHY, IF THEY'D EVER TREAD ON

LAVERNE AND SHIRLEY, WE SWEAR! WHY, IF THEY'D EVER TREAD ON OUR TURF, WE'D TEAR OUT THEIR

WHY, IF THEY'D EVER TREAD ON OUR TURF, WE'D TEAR OUT THEIR HAIR!

OUR TURF, WE'D TEAR OUT THEIR HAIR! AND THAT GOES TWICE FOR CHER!

HAIR! AND THAT GOES TWICE FOR CHER! AND AFTER "VICTORY AT ENTEBBE"

AND THAT GOES TWICE FOR CHER! AND AFTER "VICTORY AT ENTEBBE" WE WERE WAITING FOR DAYS TO BEAT

AND AFTER "VICTORY AT ENTEBBE" WE WERE WAITING FOR DAYS TO BEAT THE LIVING DAYLIGHTS OUT OF

WE WERE WAITING FOR DAYS TO BEAT THE LIVING DAYLIGHTS OUT OF HELEN HAYES!

THE LIVING DAYLIGHTS OUT OF HELEN HAYES! HELEN HAYES!

HELEN HAYES! HELEN HAYES! HELEN HAYES!

HELEN HAYES! HELEN HAYES! AHH!

HELEN HAYES! AHH! ♪ WE'RE MEDIA MINXES ♪

AHH! ♪ WE'RE MEDIA MINXES ♪ ♪ YOU KNOW WE'RE

♪ WE'RE MEDIA MINXES ♪ ♪ YOU KNOW WE'RE SHOWBIZ SPHINXES ♪

♪ YOU KNOW WE'RE SHOWBIZ SPHINXES ♪ ♪ WE'RE LATE-NIGHT LYNXES ♪

SHOWBIZ SPHINXES ♪ ♪ WE'RE LATE-NIGHT LYNXES ♪ ♪ OUR FAVORITE TRUCKS

♪ WE'RE LATE-NIGHT LYNXES ♪ ♪ OUR FAVORITE TRUCKS ARE BRINKSES ♪

♪ OUR FAVORITE TRUCKS ARE BRINKSES ♪ ♪ WE'RE TRANSFIXIN' HICKS

ARE BRINKSES ♪ ♪ WE'RE TRANSFIXIN' HICKS IN THE STICKS,

♪ WE'RE TRANSFIXIN' HICKS IN THE STICKS, NOT TO MENTION HARRYS, TOMS,

IN THE STICKS, NOT TO MENTION HARRYS, TOMS, AND DICKS ♪

NOT TO MENTION HARRYS, TOMS, AND DICKS ♪ ♪ WE'RE VIDEO VIXENS ♪

AND DICKS ♪ ♪ WE'RE VIDEO VIXENS ♪ ♪ WE'RE NOT JEANE DIXON ♪

♪ WE'RE VIDEO VIXENS ♪ ♪ WE'RE NOT JEANE DIXON ♪ ♪ NO DIRTY TRICKS

♪ WE'RE NOT JEANE DIXON ♪ ♪ NO DIRTY TRICKS AND RICHARD NIXON ♪

♪ NO DIRTY TRICKS AND RICHARD NIXON ♪ ♪ WE'RE JEWISH GIRLS ♪

AND RICHARD NIXON ♪ ♪ WE'RE JEWISH GIRLS ♪ ♪ AND WE'RE SHIKSENS ♪

♪ WE'RE JEWISH GIRLS ♪ ♪ AND WE'RE SHIKSENS ♪ ♪ BUT MOSTLY

♪ AND WE'RE SHIKSENS ♪ ♪ BUT MOSTLY WE'RE JUST VIDEO VIXENS ♪

♪ BUT MOSTLY WE'RE JUST VIDEO VIXENS ♪ GET IT! UHH!

WE'RE JUST VIDEO VIXENS ♪ GET IT! UHH! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

ROCK 'N' ROLL!

YEAH! ROCK 'N' ROLL! ROCK 'N' ROLL!

ROCK 'N' ROLL! ROCK 'N' ROLL! WHOO!

ROCK 'N' ROLL! WHOO! ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.

WHOO! ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT. WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK AFTER THIS

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT. WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK AFTER THIS MESSAGE, HONEY.

FREEZE! EVERYBODY, FREEZE! THIS IS A BANK ROBBERY! YOU DROP YOUR GUN BELT AND KICK

THIS IS A BANK ROBBERY! YOU DROP YOUR GUN BELT AND KICK IT OVER HERE.

YOU DROP YOUR GUN BELT AND KICK IT OVER HERE. OKAY, LISTEN TO ME CLEARLY.

IT OVER HERE. OKAY, LISTEN TO ME CLEARLY. ALL RIGHT, TELLERS, OPEN YOUR

OKAY, LISTEN TO ME CLEARLY. ALL RIGHT, TELLERS, OPEN YOUR CASH DRAWERS HALFWAY.

ALL RIGHT, TELLERS, OPEN YOUR CASH DRAWERS HALFWAY. EVERYBODY ELSE, LIE DOWN ON THE

CASH DRAWERS HALFWAY. EVERYBODY ELSE, LIE DOWN ON THE FLOOR AND KEEP YOUR HANDS ABOVE

EVERYBODY ELSE, LIE DOWN ON THE FLOOR AND KEEP YOUR HANDS ABOVE YOUR HEADS.

FLOOR AND KEEP YOUR HANDS ABOVE YOUR HEADS. NO MOVEMENT, NO NOISE, OR I

YOUR HEADS. NO MOVEMENT, NO NOISE, OR I START SHOOTING.

NO MOVEMENT, NO NOISE, OR I START SHOOTING. IS THAT CLEAR? IS THAT CLEAR?

START SHOOTING. IS THAT CLEAR? IS THAT CLEAR? JUST LISTEN TO ME, AND

IS THAT CLEAR? IS THAT CLEAR? JUST LISTEN TO ME, AND EVERYTHING'S GONNA BE ALL RIGHT.

JUST LISTEN TO ME, AND EVERYTHING'S GONNA BE ALL RIGHT. YOU DROP THAT, YOU SUCKER, OR

EVERYTHING'S GONNA BE ALL RIGHT. YOU DROP THAT, YOU SUCKER, OR I'LL TAKE HER HEAD RIGHT OFF!

YOU DROP THAT, YOU SUCKER, OR I'LL TAKE HER HEAD RIGHT OFF! DROP IT.

I'LL TAKE HER HEAD RIGHT OFF! DROP IT. OKAY, I GOT MY PEOPLE WITH

DROP IT. OKAY, I GOT MY PEOPLE WITH ME.

OKAY, I GOT MY PEOPLE WITH ME. WE DON'T WANT TO HURT ANYBODY.

ME. WE DON'T WANT TO HURT ANYBODY. WE JUST WANT TO PULL THIS OFF

WE DON'T WANT TO HURT ANYBODY. WE JUST WANT TO PULL THIS OFF CLEAN AND NICE, ALL RIGHT?

WE JUST WANT TO PULL THIS OFF CLEAN AND NICE, ALL RIGHT? OKAY, CLEAN UP THOSE CASH

CLEAN AND NICE, ALL RIGHT? OKAY, CLEAN UP THOSE CASH DRAWERS.

OKAY, CLEAN UP THOSE CASH DRAWERS. MAKE SURE NO METAL TOUCHES ANY

DRAWERS. MAKE SURE NO METAL TOUCHES ANY OTHER METAL.

MAKE SURE NO METAL TOUCHES ANY OTHER METAL. ALL RIGHT, HERBIE, PICK UP HIS

OTHER METAL. ALL RIGHT, HERBIE, PICK UP HIS GUN AND HIS GUN AND MAKE HIM

ALL RIGHT, HERBIE, PICK UP HIS GUN AND HIS GUN AND MAKE HIM OPEN THE VAULT.

GUN AND HIS GUN AND MAKE HIM OPEN THE VAULT. I'M COUNTING NOW.

OPEN THE VAULT. I'M COUNTING NOW. ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR, FIVE,

I'M COUNTING NOW. ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR, FIVE, SIX...

ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR, FIVE, SIX... EXCUSE ME. EXCUSE ME.

SIX... EXCUSE ME. EXCUSE ME. WHAT?

EXCUSE ME. EXCUSE ME. WHAT? I HAVE A QUESTION.

WHAT? I HAVE A QUESTION. WHAT IS IT?

I HAVE A QUESTION. WHAT IS IT? YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE

WHAT IS IT? YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE DISGUISED, RIGHT?

YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE DISGUISED, RIGHT? YEAH.

DISGUISED, RIGHT? YEAH. OKAY, SO SHE'S A WITCH.

YEAH. OKAY, SO SHE'S A WITCH. AND HE'S A CLOWN.

OKAY, SO SHE'S A WITCH. AND HE'S A CLOWN. AND HE'S A COWBOY.

AND HE'S A CLOWN. AND HE'S A COWBOY. SO WHAT ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO BE?

AND HE'S A COWBOY. SO WHAT ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO BE? UH, WHAT?

SO WHAT ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO BE? UH, WHAT? YOUR DISGUISE.

UH, WHAT? YOUR DISGUISE. WHO ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO BE?

YOUR DISGUISE. WHO ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO BE? I'M AN INSECT.

WHO ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO BE? I'M AN INSECT. A BUG, YOU KNOW.

I'M AN INSECT. A BUG, YOU KNOW. I'M SORRY, BUT HOW DO YOU

A BUG, YOU KNOW. I'M SORRY, BUT HOW DO YOU FIGURE AN INSECT?

I'M SORRY, BUT HOW DO YOU FIGURE AN INSECT? IT'S JUST A NYLON STOCKING WITH

FIGURE AN INSECT? IT'S JUST A NYLON STOCKING WITH TWO ORANGES STUCK ON YOUR EYES.

IT'S JUST A NYLON STOCKING WITH TWO ORANGES STUCK ON YOUR EYES. I DON'T SEE AN INSECT THERE.

TWO ORANGES STUCK ON YOUR EYES. I DON'T SEE AN INSECT THERE. YOU DON'T?

I DON'T SEE AN INSECT THERE. YOU DON'T? NO.

YOU DON'T? NO. OH, WELL, I'M SUPPOSED TO BE,

NO. OH, WELL, I'M SUPPOSED TO BE, LIKE, A GRASSHOPPER.

OH, WELL, I'M SUPPOSED TO BE, LIKE, A GRASSHOPPER. I'M A PRAYING MANTIS!

LIKE, A GRASSHOPPER. I'M A PRAYING MANTIS! YEAH, THAT'S IT.

I'M A PRAYING MANTIS! YEAH, THAT'S IT. I'M A PRAYING MANTIS.

YEAH, THAT'S IT. I'M A PRAYING MANTIS. WELL, UH, YOU DON'T LOOK LIKE

I'M A PRAYING MANTIS. WELL, UH, YOU DON'T LOOK LIKE ONE.

WELL, UH, YOU DON'T LOOK LIKE ONE. WELL, FORGET IT!

ONE. WELL, FORGET IT! SHUT UP AND LET US WORK.

WELL, FORGET IT! SHUT UP AND LET US WORK. 21, 22, 23...

SHUT UP AND LET US WORK. 21, 22, 23... HEY, RON? RON?

21, 22, 23... HEY, RON? RON? YOU KNOW, SHE'S RIGHT.

HEY, RON? RON? YOU KNOW, SHE'S RIGHT. YOU DON'T LOOK LIKE AN INSECT.

YOU KNOW, SHE'S RIGHT. YOU DON'T LOOK LIKE AN INSECT. WHAT?

YOU DON'T LOOK LIKE AN INSECT. WHAT? YOU DON'T LOOK LIKE AN INSECT

WHAT? YOU DON'T LOOK LIKE AN INSECT AT ALL.

YOU DON'T LOOK LIKE AN INSECT AT ALL. I'M GLAD YOU TOLD ME, BECAUSE

AT ALL. I'M GLAD YOU TOLD ME, BECAUSE I NEVER WOULD HAVE GUESSED.

I'M GLAD YOU TOLD ME, BECAUSE I NEVER WOULD HAVE GUESSED. YOU, YOU!

I NEVER WOULD HAVE GUESSED. YOU, YOU! GIVE ME A PENCIL!

YOU, YOU! GIVE ME A PENCIL! GIVE ME A PENCIL!

GIVE ME A PENCIL! GIVE ME A PENCIL! OKAY, HOW ABOUT THIS?

GIVE ME A PENCIL! OKAY, HOW ABOUT THIS? [CHIRPING]

OKAY, HOW ABOUT THIS? [CHIRPING] NO, NO, THAT JUST LOOKS LIKE

[CHIRPING] NO, NO, THAT JUST LOOKS LIKE TWO PENCILS.

NO, NO, THAT JUST LOOKS LIKE TWO PENCILS. WAIT A MINUTE.

TWO PENCILS. WAIT A MINUTE. I SEE AN INSECT.

WAIT A MINUTE. I SEE AN INSECT. YEAH!

I SEE AN INSECT. YEAH! YOU JUST USE YOUR IMAGINATION,

YEAH! YOU JUST USE YOUR IMAGINATION, THE INSECT WILL COME TO YOU.

YOU JUST USE YOUR IMAGINATION, THE INSECT WILL COME TO YOU. IT'S REALLY GOOD.

THE INSECT WILL COME TO YOU. IT'S REALLY GOOD. YEAH!

IT'S REALLY GOOD. YEAH! NO, MAN, I'M NOT GOING FOR

YEAH! NO, MAN, I'M NOT GOING FOR IT.

NO, MAN, I'M NOT GOING FOR IT. THAT'S THE WORST DISGUISE I'VE

IT. THAT'S THE WORST DISGUISE I'VE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE.

THAT'S THE WORST DISGUISE I'VE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE. YEAH, I-I AGREE.

EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE. YEAH, I-I AGREE. YOU CAN SEE THAT EVERYBODY ELSE

YEAH, I-I AGREE. YOU CAN SEE THAT EVERYBODY ELSE REALLY WORKED ON THEIR COSTUMES.

YOU CAN SEE THAT EVERYBODY ELSE REALLY WORKED ON THEIR COSTUMES. YEAH.

REALLY WORKED ON THEIR COSTUMES. YEAH. IT'S TRUE.

YEAH. IT'S TRUE. I PUT A LOT OF TIME AND MONEY

IT'S TRUE. I PUT A LOT OF TIME AND MONEY INTO THIS COSTUME.

I PUT A LOT OF TIME AND MONEY INTO THIS COSTUME. HOW DO YOU GET OFF SHOWING UP

INTO THIS COSTUME. HOW DO YOU GET OFF SHOWING UP LIKE THAT?

HOW DO YOU GET OFF SHOWING UP LIKE THAT? YEAH.

LIKE THAT? YEAH. REALLY, MAN, THIS WAS THE COWBOY

YEAH. REALLY, MAN, THIS WAS THE COWBOY SUIT IN TOWN.

REALLY, MAN, THIS WAS THE COWBOY SUIT IN TOWN. I HAD TO GO TO THREE FITTINGS.

SUIT IN TOWN. I HAD TO GO TO THREE FITTINGS. COME ON!

I HAD TO GO TO THREE FITTINGS. COME ON! I'VE WORKED ALL MONTH PLANNING

COME ON! I'VE WORKED ALL MONTH PLANNING THIS JOB!

I'VE WORKED ALL MONTH PLANNING THIS JOB! REMEMBER?

THIS JOB! REMEMBER? WHEN WE STARTED OUT, I WAS GONNA

REMEMBER? WHEN WE STARTED OUT, I WAS GONNA PICK THREE MATCHING HARLEQUIN

WHEN WE STARTED OUT, I WAS GONNA PICK THREE MATCHING HARLEQUIN COSTUMES SO WE'D LOOK NICE.

PICK THREE MATCHING HARLEQUIN COSTUMES SO WE'D LOOK NICE. BUT SOMEBODY ELSE TOOK THEM.

COSTUMES SO WE'D LOOK NICE. BUT SOMEBODY ELSE TOOK THEM. THERE'S NOTHING I COULD DO ABOUT

BUT SOMEBODY ELSE TOOK THEM. THERE'S NOTHING I COULD DO ABOUT IT.

THERE'S NOTHING I COULD DO ABOUT IT. PLUS, I HAD TO PLAN THE ESCAPE

IT. PLUS, I HAD TO PLAN THE ESCAPE ROUTES.

PLUS, I HAD TO PLAN THE ESCAPE ROUTES. I PLANNED THIS WHOLE THING.

ROUTES. I PLANNED THIS WHOLE THING. I HAD TO LOOK AT TRAFFIC

I PLANNED THIS WHOLE THING. I HAD TO LOOK AT TRAFFIC PATTERNS, ONE-WAY STREETS,

I HAD TO LOOK AT TRAFFIC PATTERNS, ONE-WAY STREETS, SERVICE ALLEYS.

PATTERNS, ONE-WAY STREETS, SERVICE ALLEYS. I JUST DIDN'T HAVE TIME TO PICK

SERVICE ALLEYS. I JUST DIDN'T HAVE TIME TO PICK UP A COSTUME.

I JUST DIDN'T HAVE TIME TO PICK UP A COSTUME. WELL, MAN, THAT'S NO EXCUSE

UP A COSTUME. WELL, MAN, THAT'S NO EXCUSE BECAUSE I CAME IN ON THIS THING

WELL, MAN, THAT'S NO EXCUSE BECAUSE I CAME IN ON THIS THING YESTERDAY, AND I HAD TIME TO GET

BECAUSE I CAME IN ON THIS THING YESTERDAY, AND I HAD TIME TO GET ME A HALFWAY DECENT COSTUME

YESTERDAY, AND I HAD TIME TO GET ME A HALFWAY DECENT COSTUME TOGETHER.

ME A HALFWAY DECENT COSTUME TOGETHER. IT'S TRUE.

TOGETHER. IT'S TRUE. AT LEAST YOU KNOW HE'S SUPPOSED

IT'S TRUE. AT LEAST YOU KNOW HE'S SUPPOSED TO BE A GHOST.

AT LEAST YOU KNOW HE'S SUPPOSED TO BE A GHOST. HE'S A GHOST, RIGHT?

TO BE A GHOST. HE'S A GHOST, RIGHT? HE LOOKS LIKE A GHOST.

HE'S A GHOST, RIGHT? HE LOOKS LIKE A GHOST. BUT THERE'S NO WAY THAT

HE LOOKS LIKE A GHOST. BUT THERE'S NO WAY THAT YOU'RE AN INSECT.

BUT THERE'S NO WAY THAT YOU'RE AN INSECT. WELL, I SEE IT.

YOU'RE AN INSECT. WELL, I SEE IT. I THINK IT'S A GREAT COSTUME.

WELL, I SEE IT. I THINK IT'S A GREAT COSTUME. IT'S SO SIMPLE.

I THINK IT'S A GREAT COSTUME. IT'S SO SIMPLE. THANKS.

IT'S SO SIMPLE. THANKS. I LIKE THE COWBOY.

THANKS. I LIKE THE COWBOY. HE REALLY LOOKS LIKE A COWBOY.

I LIKE THE COWBOY. HE REALLY LOOKS LIKE A COWBOY. THE GHOST IS MY FAVORITE.

HE REALLY LOOKS LIKE A COWBOY. THE GHOST IS MY FAVORITE. ALL RIGHT, EXCUSE ME.

THE GHOST IS MY FAVORITE. ALL RIGHT, EXCUSE ME. I THINK WE BETTER SETTLE THIS

ALL RIGHT, EXCUSE ME. I THINK WE BETTER SETTLE THIS MATTER BEFORE SOMEBODY GETS

I THINK WE BETTER SETTLE THIS MATTER BEFORE SOMEBODY GETS HURT.

MATTER BEFORE SOMEBODY GETS HURT. EVERYBODY STAND UP.

HURT. EVERYBODY STAND UP. BANK-ROBBERY PEOPLE, GET OVER

EVERYBODY STAND UP. BANK-ROBBERY PEOPLE, GET OVER HERE IN A LINE.

BANK-ROBBERY PEOPLE, GET OVER HERE IN A LINE. WE'RE GONNA VOTE ON THIS.

HERE IN A LINE. WE'RE GONNA VOTE ON THIS. JUST APPLAUSE, NO CHEERS.

WE'RE GONNA VOTE ON THIS. JUST APPLAUSE, NO CHEERS. OKAY, NOW, HOW ABOUT THE COWBOY?

JUST APPLAUSE, NO CHEERS. OKAY, NOW, HOW ABOUT THE COWBOY? [LIGHT APPLAUSE]

OKAY, NOW, HOW ABOUT THE COWBOY? [LIGHT APPLAUSE] OKAY!

[LIGHT APPLAUSE] OKAY! ALL RIGHT.

OKAY! ALL RIGHT. SOMEBODY CAME AS A WITCH.

ALL RIGHT. SOMEBODY CAME AS A WITCH. HOW ABOUT HER?

SOMEBODY CAME AS A WITCH. HOW ABOUT HER? LET'S HEAR IT.

HOW ABOUT HER? LET'S HEAR IT. [LIGHT APPLAUSE]

LET'S HEAR IT. [LIGHT APPLAUSE] WHO'S THIS FELLOW, DRESSED UP AS

[LIGHT APPLAUSE] WHO'S THIS FELLOW, DRESSED UP AS A GHOST?

WHO'S THIS FELLOW, DRESSED UP AS A GHOST? [APPLAUSE]

A GHOST? [APPLAUSE] ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, OKAY.

[APPLAUSE] ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, OKAY. AND HOW ABOUT THIS GUY OVER HERE

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, OKAY. AND HOW ABOUT THIS GUY OVER HERE DRESSED AS AN INSECT?

AND HOW ABOUT THIS GUY OVER HERE DRESSED AS AN INSECT? YAY!

DRESSED AS AN INSECT? YAY! GIVE ME A BREAK, WILL YOU?

YAY! GIVE ME A BREAK, WILL YOU? WELL, I THINK THE VOTING SPEAKS

GIVE ME A BREAK, WILL YOU? WELL, I THINK THE VOTING SPEAKS FOR ITSELF, MR. INSECT.

WELL, I THINK THE VOTING SPEAKS FOR ITSELF, MR. INSECT. WAIT!

FOR ITSELF, MR. INSECT. WAIT! YOU!

WAIT! YOU! I DO A GREAT FROG.

YOU! I DO A GREAT FROG. GIVE ME THAT GREEN-FELT DESK

I DO A GREAT FROG. GIVE ME THAT GREEN-FELT DESK BLOTTER OVER THERE.

GIVE ME THAT GREEN-FELT DESK BLOTTER OVER THERE. I PICKED THIS UP IN WOMAN'S DAY

BLOTTER OVER THERE. I PICKED THIS UP IN WOMAN'S DAY MAGAZINE.

I PICKED THIS UP IN WOMAN'S DAY MAGAZINE. ANYBODY CAN DO IT.

MAGAZINE. ANYBODY CAN DO IT. YOU CAN DO IT AT HOME.

ANYBODY CAN DO IT. YOU CAN DO IT AT HOME. YOU JUST GET THE BLOTTER, AND

YOU CAN DO IT AT HOME. YOU JUST GET THE BLOTTER, AND YOU JUST FOLD IT.

YOU JUST GET THE BLOTTER, AND YOU JUST FOLD IT. SEE? IT'S A FROG.

YOU JUST FOLD IT. SEE? IT'S A FROG. LIKE THIS.

SEE? IT'S A FROG. LIKE THIS. [ALL GROAN]

LIKE THIS. [ALL GROAN] IT'S AS GOOD AS YOUR INSECT,

[ALL GROAN] IT'S AS GOOD AS YOUR INSECT, ALL RIGHT?

IT'S AS GOOD AS YOUR INSECT, ALL RIGHT? ALL RIGHT, FINE.

ALL RIGHT? ALL RIGHT, FINE. YOU PEOPLE DON'T HAVE TO HELP

ALL RIGHT, FINE. YOU PEOPLE DON'T HAVE TO HELP ME.

YOU PEOPLE DON'T HAVE TO HELP ME. HERE.

ME. HERE. FILL THIS BAG UP.

HERE. FILL THIS BAG UP. BACK ON THE FLOOR!

FILL THIS BAG UP. BACK ON THE FLOOR! GET BACK!

BACK ON THE FLOOR! GET BACK! COME ON. KEEP MOVING!

GET BACK! COME ON. KEEP MOVING! I REALLY THOUGHT YOUR INSECT

COME ON. KEEP MOVING! I REALLY THOUGHT YOUR INSECT WAS THE BEST.

I REALLY THOUGHT YOUR INSECT WAS THE BEST. OH, THANKS.

WAS THE BEST. OH, THANKS. THAT'S REAL NICE.

OH, THANKS. THAT'S REAL NICE. WOULD YOU MIND COUNTING THOSE

THAT'S REAL NICE. WOULD YOU MIND COUNTING THOSE BILLS OUT FOR ME?

WOULD YOU MIND COUNTING THOSE BILLS OUT FOR ME? I CAN'T SEE WITH THESE ORANGES

BILLS OUT FOR ME? I CAN'T SEE WITH THESE ORANGES STUCK TO MY EYES?

I CAN'T SEE WITH THESE ORANGES STUCK TO MY EYES? 40, 60...

STUCK TO MY EYES? 40, 60... SEE, ORIGINALLY, I GOT THIS

40, 60... SEE, ORIGINALLY, I GOT THIS GANG TOGETHER.

SEE, ORIGINALLY, I GOT THIS GANG TOGETHER. WE WERE GONNA ROB BANKS UPSTATE,

GANG TOGETHER. WE WERE GONNA ROB BANKS UPSTATE, AND WE HAD THIS IDEA.

WE WERE GONNA ROB BANKS UPSTATE, AND WE HAD THIS IDEA. I WAS GONNA GET THESE THREE

AND WE HAD THIS IDEA. I WAS GONNA GET THESE THREE MATCHING HARLEQUIN COSTUMES,

I WAS GONNA GET THESE THREE MATCHING HARLEQUIN COSTUMES, LIKE YOU SEE A JOKER IN A DECK

MATCHING HARLEQUIN COSTUMES, LIKE YOU SEE A JOKER IN A DECK OF CARDS?

LIKE YOU SEE A JOKER IN A DECK OF CARDS? THEY WERE REAL COLORFUL, BUT WE

OF CARDS? THEY WERE REAL COLORFUL, BUT WE DIDN'T HAVE MONEY FOR A DEPOSIT.

THEY WERE REAL COLORFUL, BUT WE DIDN'T HAVE MONEY FOR A DEPOSIT. SO SOMEBODY ELSE SCOOPED THEM ON

DIDN'T HAVE MONEY FOR A DEPOSIT. SO SOMEBODY ELSE SCOOPED THEM ON US.

SO SOMEBODY ELSE SCOOPED THEM ON US. [ALARM BLARES]

US. [ALARM BLARES] OKAY, EVERYBODY, FREEZE!

[ALARM BLARES] OKAY, EVERYBODY, FREEZE! FBI BANK SQUAD!

OKAY, EVERYBODY, FREEZE! FBI BANK SQUAD! YOU'RE ALL UNDER ARREST.

FBI BANK SQUAD! YOU'RE ALL UNDER ARREST. WAIT!

YOU'RE ALL UNDER ARREST. WAIT! I DO A GREAT PORCUPINE!

WAIT! I DO A GREAT PORCUPINE! YOU, GIVE ME 25 LETTER OPENERS

I DO A GREAT PORCUPINE! YOU, GIVE ME 25 LETTER OPENERS AND 50 SHARP PENCILS, LIKE THIS.

I FIRST HEARD JOAN ARMATRADING WHEN A FRIEND OF MINE PLAYED HER ALBUM FOR ME

JOAN ARMATRADING WHEN A FRIEND OF MINE PLAYED HER ALBUM FOR ME ON A VISIT TO ENGLAND.

OF MINE PLAYED HER ALBUM FOR ME ON A VISIT TO ENGLAND. I WAS VERY MUCH MOVED BY HER

ON A VISIT TO ENGLAND. I WAS VERY MUCH MOVED BY HER VOICE AND HER LYRICS.

I WAS VERY MUCH MOVED BY HER VOICE AND HER LYRICS. I KNOW MANY OF YOU HADN'T HEARD

VOICE AND HER LYRICS. I KNOW MANY OF YOU HADN'T HEARD OF JOAN, AND THAT'S WHY I'M

I KNOW MANY OF YOU HADN'T HEARD OF JOAN, AND THAT'S WHY I'M PLEASED TO HAVE THIS OPPORTUNITY

OF JOAN, AND THAT'S WHY I'M PLEASED TO HAVE THIS OPPORTUNITY TO PRESENT JOAN ARMATRADING.

PLEASED TO HAVE THIS OPPORTUNITY TO PRESENT JOAN ARMATRADING. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

TO PRESENT JOAN ARMATRADING. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] ♪ I'M NOT IN LOVE ♪

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] ♪ I'M NOT IN LOVE ♪ ♪ BUT I'M OPEN TO PERSUASION ♪

♪ I'M NOT IN LOVE ♪ ♪ BUT I'M OPEN TO PERSUASION ♪ ♪ EAST OR WEST ♪

♪ BUT I'M OPEN TO PERSUASION ♪ ♪ EAST OR WEST ♪ ♪ WHERE'S THE BEST

♪ EAST OR WEST ♪ ♪ WHERE'S THE BEST FOR ROMANCING

♪ WHERE'S THE BEST FOR ROMANCING WITH A FRIEND? ♪

FOR ROMANCING WITH A FRIEND? ♪ ♪ I CAN SMILE ♪

WITH A FRIEND? ♪ ♪ I CAN SMILE ♪ ♪ BUT WITH A LOVER,

♪ I CAN SMILE ♪ ♪ BUT WITH A LOVER, I COULD ROLL MY HEAD BACK ♪

♪ BUT WITH A LOVER, I COULD ROLL MY HEAD BACK ♪ ♪ I COULD REALLY LAUGH,

I COULD ROLL MY HEAD BACK ♪ ♪ I COULD REALLY LAUGH, REALLY LAUGH ♪

♪ I COULD REALLY LAUGH, REALLY LAUGH ♪ ♪ THANK YOU ♪

REALLY LAUGH ♪ ♪ THANK YOU ♪ ♪ YOU TOOK ME DANCING

♪ THANK YOU ♪ ♪ YOU TOOK ME DANCING 'CROSS THE FLOOR ♪

♪ YOU TOOK ME DANCING 'CROSS THE FLOOR ♪ ♪ CHEEK TO CHEEK ♪

'CROSS THE FLOOR ♪ ♪ CHEEK TO CHEEK ♪ ♪ BUT WITH A LOVER,

♪ CHEEK TO CHEEK ♪ ♪ BUT WITH A LOVER, I COULD REALLY MOVE,

♪ BUT WITH A LOVER, I COULD REALLY MOVE, REALLY MOVE ♪

I COULD REALLY MOVE, REALLY MOVE ♪ ♪ I COULD REALLY DANCE,

REALLY MOVE ♪ ♪ I COULD REALLY DANCE, REALLY DANCE,

♪ I COULD REALLY DANCE, REALLY DANCE, REALLY DANCE,

REALLY DANCE, REALLY DANCE, REALLY DANCE ♪

REALLY DANCE, REALLY DANCE ♪ ♪ I COULD REALLY MOVE,

REALLY DANCE ♪ ♪ I COULD REALLY MOVE, REALLY MOVE,

♪ I COULD REALLY MOVE, REALLY MOVE, REALLY MOVE,

REALLY MOVE, REALLY MOVE, REALLY MOVE ♪

REALLY MOVE, REALLY MOVE ♪ ♪ NOW IF I CAN FEEL THE SUN

REALLY MOVE ♪ ♪ NOW IF I CAN FEEL THE SUN IN MY EYES

♪ NOW IF I CAN FEEL THE SUN IN MY EYES AND THE RAIN ON MY FACE ♪

IN MY EYES AND THE RAIN ON MY FACE ♪ ♪ WHY CAN'T I

AND THE RAIN ON MY FACE ♪ ♪ WHY CAN'T I FE-E-E-EL LOVE? ♪

♪ WHY CAN'T I FE-E-E-EL LOVE? ♪ ♪ I CAN REALLY LOVE,

FE-E-E-EL LOVE? ♪ ♪ I CAN REALLY LOVE, REALLY LOVE,

♪ I CAN REALLY LOVE, REALLY LOVE, REALLY LOVE,

REALLY LOVE, REALLY LOVE, REALLY LOVE,

REALLY LOVE, REALLY LOVE, REALLY LOVE ♪

REALLY LOVE, REALLY LOVE ♪ ♪ LOVE, LOVE, LOVE, LOVE, LOVE,

REALLY LOVE ♪ ♪ LOVE, LOVE, LOVE, LOVE, LOVE, LOVE, LOVE, LOVE ♪

♪ LOVE, LOVE, LOVE, LOVE, LOVE, LOVE, LOVE, LOVE ♪ ♪ NOW I GOT ALL THE FRIENDS

LOVE, LOVE, LOVE ♪ ♪ NOW I GOT ALL THE FRIENDS THAT I WANT ♪

♪ NOW I GOT ALL THE FRIENDS THAT I WANT ♪ ♪ WHOO-HOO ♪

THAT I WANT ♪ ♪ WHOO-HOO ♪ ♪ I MAY NEED MORE ♪

♪ WHOO-HOO ♪ ♪ I MAY NEED MORE ♪ ♪ BUT I SHOULD JUST STICK

♪ I MAY NEED MORE ♪ ♪ BUT I SHOULD JUST STICK TO THOSE THAT I HAVE GOT ♪

♪ BUT I SHOULD JUST STICK TO THOSE THAT I HAVE GOT ♪ ♪ WITH FRIENDS I STILL FEEL

TO THOSE THAT I HAVE GOT ♪ ♪ WITH FRIENDS I STILL FEEL SO INSECURE ♪

♪ WITH FRIENDS I STILL FEEL SO INSECURE ♪ ♪ LITTLE DARLING, I BELIEVE

SO INSECURE ♪ ♪ LITTLE DARLING, I BELIEVE IT WOULD HELP ME A LOT ♪

♪ LITTLE DARLING, I BELIEVE IT WOULD HELP ME A LOT ♪ ♪ JUST TAKE MY HAND

IT WOULD HELP ME A LOT ♪ ♪ JUST TAKE MY HAND AND LEAD ME WHERE YOU WILL ♪

♪ JUST TAKE MY HAND AND LEAD ME WHERE YOU WILL ♪ ♪ NO CONVERSATION,

AND LEAD ME WHERE YOU WILL ♪ ♪ NO CONVERSATION, NO WAVE GOOD NIGHT ♪

♪ NO CONVERSATION, NO WAVE GOOD NIGHT ♪ ♪ JUST GIVE ME LOVE ♪

NO WAVE GOOD NIGHT ♪ ♪ JUST GIVE ME LOVE ♪ ♪ MAKE LOVE WITH AFFECTION ♪

♪ JUST GIVE ME LOVE ♪ ♪ MAKE LOVE WITH AFFECTION ♪ ♪ SING ME ANOTHER LOVE SONG ♪

♪ MAKE LOVE WITH AFFECTION ♪ ♪ SING ME ANOTHER LOVE SONG ♪ ♪ BUT THIS TIME

♪ SING ME ANOTHER LOVE SONG ♪ ♪ BUT THIS TIME WITH A LITTLE DEDICATION ♪

♪ BUT THIS TIME WITH A LITTLE DEDICATION ♪ ♪ SING IT, SING IT ♪

WITH A LITTLE DEDICATION ♪ ♪ SING IT, SING IT ♪ ♪ SING IT, SING IT ♪

♪ SING IT, SING IT ♪ ♪ SING IT, SING IT ♪ ♪ YOU KNOW

♪ SING IT, SING IT ♪ ♪ YOU KNOW THAT'S WHAT I LIKE ♪

♪ YOU KNOW THAT'S WHAT I LIKE ♪ ♪ WHOO-HOO ♪

THAT'S WHAT I LIKE ♪ ♪ WHOO-HOO ♪ ♪ ONCE MORE WITH FEELING ♪

♪ WHOO-HOO ♪ ♪ ONCE MORE WITH FEELING ♪ ♪ GIVE ME LOVE,

♪ ONCE MORE WITH FEELING ♪ ♪ GIVE ME LOVE, GIVE ME LOVE,

♪ GIVE ME LOVE, GIVE ME LOVE, GIVE ME LOVE,

GIVE ME LOVE, GIVE ME LOVE, LO-O-O-VE ♪

♪ WHOO-HOO ♪ ♪ MAKE LOVE WITH AFFECTION ♪ ♪ SING ME ANOTHER LOVE SONG ♪

♪ MAKE LOVE WITH AFFECTION ♪ ♪ SING ME ANOTHER LOVE SONG ♪ ♪ BUT THIS TIME

♪ SING ME ANOTHER LOVE SONG ♪ ♪ BUT THIS TIME WITH A LITTLE DEDICATION ♪

♪ BUT THIS TIME WITH A LITTLE DEDICATION ♪ ♪ SING IT, SING IT ♪

WITH A LITTLE DEDICATION ♪ ♪ SING IT, SING IT ♪ ♪ SING IT, SING IT ♪

♪ SING IT, SING IT ♪ ♪ SING IT, SING IT ♪ ♪ YOU KNOW

♪ SING IT, SING IT ♪ ♪ YOU KNOW THAT'S WHAT I LIKE ♪

♪ YOU KNOW THAT'S WHAT I LIKE ♪ ♪ WHOO-HOO ♪

THAT'S WHAT I LIKE ♪ ♪ WHOO-HOO ♪ ♪ WITH AFFECTION ♪

♪ WHOO-HOO ♪ ♪ WITH AFFECTION ♪ ♪ WHOO-HOO ♪

♪ WITH AFFECTION ♪ ♪ WHOO-HOO ♪ ♪ ONCE MORE WITH FEELING ♪

♪ WHOO-HOO ♪ ♪ ONCE MORE WITH FEELING ♪ ♪ WHOO-HOO ♪

♪ ONCE MORE WITH FEELING ♪ ♪ WHOO-HOO ♪ ♪ ONCE MORE ♪

♪ WHOO-HOO ♪ ♪ ONCE MORE ♪ ♪ YOU KNOW THAT'S WHAT I LIKE ♪

♪ ONCE MORE ♪ ♪ YOU KNOW THAT'S WHAT I LIKE ♪ ♪ LOVER ♪

♪ YOU KNOW THAT'S WHAT I LIKE ♪ ♪ LOVER ♪ ♪ WHOO-HOO ♪

♪ LOVER ♪ ♪ WHOO-HOO ♪ ♪ WHOO-HOO ♪

♪ WHOO-HOO ♪ ♪ WHOO-HOO ♪ [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

[PIANO PLAYS LOU RAWLS' "YOU'LL NEVER FIND ANOTHER LOVE LIKE MINE"]

JEAN, THEY SHOULD HAVE BEEN HERE BY NOW. I JUST KNOW THEY'RE NOT GONNA

HERE BY NOW. I JUST KNOW THEY'RE NOT GONNA SHOW.

I JUST KNOW THEY'RE NOT GONNA SHOW. WELL, JOAN WENT TO CALL.

SHOW. WELL, JOAN WENT TO CALL. I WISH WE COULD MEET SOME

WELL, JOAN WENT TO CALL. I WISH WE COULD MEET SOME DIFFERENT KIND OF GUYS FOR A

I WISH WE COULD MEET SOME DIFFERENT KIND OF GUYS FOR A CHANGE.

DIFFERENT KIND OF GUYS FOR A CHANGE. I MEAN, SOMETHING LIKE THOSE

CHANGE. I MEAN, SOMETHING LIKE THOSE CONTINENTAL TYPE OVER THERE.

I MEAN, SOMETHING LIKE THOSE CONTINENTAL TYPE OVER THERE. OH, I KNOW.

CONTINENTAL TYPE OVER THERE. OH, I KNOW. ALL WE EVER DATE ARE THE SAME

OH, I KNOW. ALL WE EVER DATE ARE THE SAME ALL-AMERICAN HAMBURGERS.

ALL WE EVER DATE ARE THE SAME ALL-AMERICAN HAMBURGERS. RIGHT.

ALL-AMERICAN HAMBURGERS. RIGHT. WHY DON'T WE EVER MEET ANY

RIGHT. WHY DON'T WE EVER MEET ANY UNCIRCUMCISED GUYS?

WHY DON'T WE EVER MEET ANY UNCIRCUMCISED GUYS? [Hispanic accent] GOOD

UNCIRCUMCISED GUYS? [Hispanic accent] GOOD EVENING, LOVELY, LOVELY, LOVELY

[Hispanic accent] GOOD EVENING, LOVELY, LOVELY, LOVELY LADIES.

EVENING, LOVELY, LOVELY, LOVELY LADIES. ME AND MY COMPANIONS HERE AT THE

LADIES. ME AND MY COMPANIONS HERE AT THE NEXT TABLE WERE HAVING A LITTLE

ME AND MY COMPANIONS HERE AT THE NEXT TABLE WERE HAVING A LITTLE ARGUMENT, AND WE WERE WONDERING

NEXT TABLE WERE HAVING A LITTLE ARGUMENT, AND WE WERE WONDERING IF PERHAPS YOU COULDN'T HELP

ARGUMENT, AND WE WERE WONDERING IF PERHAPS YOU COULDN'T HELP SETTLE IT FOR US.

IF PERHAPS YOU COULDN'T HELP SETTLE IT FOR US. WELL, SURE, IF WE CAN.

SETTLE IT FOR US. WELL, SURE, IF WE CAN. SHOOT.

WELL, SURE, IF WE CAN. SHOOT. YOU SEE, I AM

SHOOT. YOU SEE, I AM RICARDO MONTALBAN.

YOU SEE, I AM RICARDO MONTALBAN. [Hispanic accent] NO, NO,

RICARDO MONTALBAN. [Hispanic accent] NO, NO, NO.

[Hispanic accent] NO, NO, NO. YOU HAVE IT ALL WRONG.

NO. YOU HAVE IT ALL WRONG. [Hispanic accent] I AM

YOU HAVE IT ALL WRONG. [Hispanic accent] I AM RICARDO MONTALBAN.

[Hispanic accent] I AM RICARDO MONTALBAN. OR AT LEAST I THINK I AM

RICARDO MONTALBAN. OR AT LEAST I THINK I AM RICARDO MONTALBAN.

OR AT LEAST I THINK I AM RICARDO MONTALBAN. AND THESE TWO GENTLEMAN ARE

RICARDO MONTALBAN. AND THESE TWO GENTLEMAN ARE FERNANDO LAMAS AND

AND THESE TWO GENTLEMAN ARE FERNANDO LAMAS AND CESAR ROMERO.

FERNANDO LAMAS AND CESAR ROMERO. ALTHOUGH WE ARE A LITTLE

CESAR ROMERO. ALTHOUGH WE ARE A LITTLE CONFUSED ABOUT WHO IS WHO.

ALTHOUGH WE ARE A LITTLE CONFUSED ABOUT WHO IS WHO. EXCUSE US, LOVELY, LOVELY

CONFUSED ABOUT WHO IS WHO. EXCUSE US, LOVELY, LOVELY LADIES, BUT THIS IS VERY

EXCUSE US, LOVELY, LOVELY LADIES, BUT THIS IS VERY EMBARRASSING.

LADIES, BUT THIS IS VERY EMBARRASSING. WE DON'T KNOW WHO IS WHO.

EMBARRASSING. WE DON'T KNOW WHO IS WHO. YOU SEE, WE HAVE BEEN

WE DON'T KNOW WHO IS WHO. YOU SEE, WE HAVE BEEN CHUMMING AROUND HOLLYWOOD FOR SO

YOU SEE, WE HAVE BEEN CHUMMING AROUND HOLLYWOOD FOR SO LONG TOGETHER... RICARDO,

CHUMMING AROUND HOLLYWOOD FOR SO LONG TOGETHER... RICARDO, FERNANDO, AND CESAR, THE BEST OF

LONG TOGETHER... RICARDO, FERNANDO, AND CESAR, THE BEST OF FRIENDS.

FERNANDO, AND CESAR, THE BEST OF FRIENDS. WE DO EVERYTHING TOGETHER.

FRIENDS. WE DO EVERYTHING TOGETHER. WE EAT TOGETHER, DRINK TOGETHER,

WE DO EVERYTHING TOGETHER. WE EAT TOGETHER, DRINK TOGETHER, SLEEP OVER AT EACH OTHER'S

WE EAT TOGETHER, DRINK TOGETHER, SLEEP OVER AT EACH OTHER'S HOLLYWOOD HOMES.

SLEEP OVER AT EACH OTHER'S HOLLYWOOD HOMES. SOMETIMES, CESAR AND I SLEEP AT

HOLLYWOOD HOMES. SOMETIMES, CESAR AND I SLEEP AT FERNANDO'S.

SOMETIMES, CESAR AND I SLEEP AT FERNANDO'S. SOMETIMES, CESAR AND FERNANDO

FERNANDO'S. SOMETIMES, CESAR AND FERNANDO SLEEP AT RICARDO'S HOUSE.

SOMETIMES, CESAR AND FERNANDO SLEEP AT RICARDO'S HOUSE. WAIT A MINUTE, WAIT A MINUTE.

SLEEP AT RICARDO'S HOUSE. WAIT A MINUTE, WAIT A MINUTE. YOU SAID YOU WERE RICARDO.

WAIT A MINUTE, WAIT A MINUTE. YOU SAID YOU WERE RICARDO. [LAUGHS]

YOU SAID YOU WERE RICARDO. [LAUGHS] I THOUGHT I WAS RICARDO.

[LAUGHS] I THOUGHT I WAS RICARDO. YOU SEE, WE ARE ALL SWARTHY,

I THOUGHT I WAS RICARDO. YOU SEE, WE ARE ALL SWARTHY, ROMANTIC HISPANIC HAS-BEENS.

YOU SEE, WE ARE ALL SWARTHY, ROMANTIC HISPANIC HAS-BEENS. IT'S ALL VERY TERRIBLY

ROMANTIC HISPANIC HAS-BEENS. IT'S ALL VERY TERRIBLY CONFUSING.

IT'S ALL VERY TERRIBLY CONFUSING. WE DON'T KNOW WHO WE ARE.

CONFUSING. WE DON'T KNOW WHO WE ARE. PERHAPS WE COULD JOIN YOU AT

WE DON'T KNOW WHO WE ARE. PERHAPS WE COULD JOIN YOU AT YOUR TABLE?

PERHAPS WE COULD JOIN YOU AT YOUR TABLE? WELL, WE ARE WAITING FOR OUR

YOUR TABLE? WELL, WE ARE WAITING FOR OUR DATES.

WELL, WE ARE WAITING FOR OUR DATES. YEAH, GEORGE HAMILTON,

DATES. YEAH, GEORGE HAMILTON, GEORGE MAHARIS, AND

YEAH, GEORGE HAMILTON, GEORGE MAHARIS, AND GEORGE CHAKIRIS.

GEORGE MAHARIS, AND GEORGE CHAKIRIS. WELL, ACTUALLY, WE, TOO, WERE

GEORGE CHAKIRIS. WELL, ACTUALLY, WE, TOO, WERE SUPPOSED TO MEET SOME VERY

WELL, ACTUALLY, WE, TOO, WERE SUPPOSED TO MEET SOME VERY LOVELY LADIES HERE THIS

SUPPOSED TO MEET SOME VERY LOVELY LADIES HERE THIS EVENING... JILL ST. JOHN,

LOVELY LADIES HERE THIS EVENING... JILL ST. JOHN, SUSAN ST. JAMES, AND

EVENING... JILL ST. JOHN, SUSAN ST. JAMES, AND EVA MARIE SAINT.

SUSAN ST. JAMES, AND EVA MARIE SAINT. BUT LUCKILY THEY CANCELED OUT,

EVA MARIE SAINT. BUT LUCKILY THEY CANCELED OUT, AND OUR EVENING IS FREE.

BUT LUCKILY THEY CANCELED OUT, AND OUR EVENING IS FREE. SO WE'D LOVE TO JOIN YOU UNTIL

AND OUR EVENING IS FREE. SO WE'D LOVE TO JOIN YOU UNTIL THOSE INSIPID, PRETTY-BOY

SO WE'D LOVE TO JOIN YOU UNTIL THOSE INSIPID, PRETTY-BOY FLASHES IN THE PAN NAMED GEORGE

THOSE INSIPID, PRETTY-BOY FLASHES IN THE PAN NAMED GEORGE SHOW UP.

FLASHES IN THE PAN NAMED GEORGE SHOW UP. I DON'T SEE WHY NOT.

SHOW UP. I DON'T SEE WHY NOT. OH!

I DON'T SEE WHY NOT. OH! PLEASE.

OH! PLEASE. OH, HI.

PLEASE. OH, HI. BAD NEWS, GIRLS.

OH, HI. BAD NEWS, GIRLS. GEORGE HAMILTON, GEORGE MAHARIS,

BAD NEWS, GIRLS. GEORGE HAMILTON, GEORGE MAHARIS, AND GEORGE CHAKIRIS STOOD US UP

GEORGE HAMILTON, GEORGE MAHARIS, AND GEORGE CHAKIRIS STOOD US UP FOR OTHER DATES.

AND GEORGE CHAKIRIS STOOD US UP FOR OTHER DATES. WHO?

FOR OTHER DATES. WHO? ELKE SOMMER, BRITT EKLAND,

WHO? ELKE SOMMER, BRITT EKLAND, AND MAY BRITT.

ELKE SOMMER, BRITT EKLAND, AND MAY BRITT. OH!

AND MAY BRITT. OH! OH, HI!

OH! OH, HI! I DON'T THINK WE'VE BEEN

OH, HI! I DON'T THINK WE'VE BEEN INTRODUCED.

I DON'T THINK WE'VE BEEN INTRODUCED. MY NAME IS RICARDO MONTALBAN.

INTRODUCED. MY NAME IS RICARDO MONTALBAN. MY NAME IS RICARDO MONTALBAN.

MY NAME IS RICARDO MONTALBAN. MY NAME IS RICARDO MONTALBAN. MY NAME IS RICARDO MONTALBAN.

MY NAME IS RICARDO MONTALBAN. MY NAME IS RICARDO MONTALBAN. TWO OF THESE THREE GENTLEMEN

MY NAME IS RICARDO MONTALBAN. TWO OF THESE THREE GENTLEMEN ARE LYING.

TWO OF THESE THREE GENTLEMEN ARE LYING. WELL, WILL THE REAL

ARE LYING. WELL, WILL THE REAL RICARDO MONTALBAN PLEASE STAND

WELL, WILL THE REAL RICARDO MONTALBAN PLEASE STAND UP?

RICARDO MONTALBAN PLEASE STAND UP? [LAUGHS]

UP? [LAUGHS] WE DO THIS EVERY NIGHT.

[LAUGHS] WE DO THIS EVERY NIGHT. JOAN, MEET FERNANDO LAMAS,

WE DO THIS EVERY NIGHT. JOAN, MEET FERNANDO LAMAS, CESAR ROMERO, AND

JOAN, MEET FERNANDO LAMAS, CESAR ROMERO, AND RICARDO MONTALBAN.

CESAR ROMERO, AND RICARDO MONTALBAN. WELL, WHO'S WHO?

RICARDO MONTALBAN. WELL, WHO'S WHO? EVEN WE DON'T KNOW WHO'S WHO!

WELL, WHO'S WHO? EVEN WE DON'T KNOW WHO'S WHO! THE ONLY WAY TO TELL IS TO RUN

EVEN WE DON'T KNOW WHO'S WHO! THE ONLY WAY TO TELL IS TO RUN OUT TO THE PARKING LOT AND SEE

THE ONLY WAY TO TELL IS TO RUN OUT TO THE PARKING LOT AND SEE WHOSE CAR KEYS FIT THE CORDOBA.

OUT TO THE PARKING LOT AND SEE WHOSE CAR KEYS FIT THE CORDOBA. BUT MAY I ASSURE YOU THAT OUR

WHOSE CAR KEYS FIT THE CORDOBA. BUT MAY I ASSURE YOU THAT OUR CONFUSION IS AS SINCERE AS IT IS

BUT MAY I ASSURE YOU THAT OUR CONFUSION IS AS SINCERE AS IT IS CHARMING?

CONFUSION IS AS SINCERE AS IT IS CHARMING? YOU WANT TO MAKE OUT WITH ME?

CHARMING? YOU WANT TO MAKE OUT WITH ME? NO.

YOU WANT TO MAKE OUT WITH ME? NO. OKAY.

NO. OKAY. HOW ABOUT YOU, OVER THERE?

OKAY. HOW ABOUT YOU, OVER THERE? LITTLE BIT OF MIX MASTER, HUH?

HOW ABOUT YOU, OVER THERE? LITTLE BIT OF MIX MASTER, HUH? COME ON.

LITTLE BIT OF MIX MASTER, HUH? COME ON. NO.

COME ON. NO. BOY, WHAT ABOUT YOU, RIGHT

NO. BOY, WHAT ABOUT YOU, RIGHT HERE?

BOY, WHAT ABOUT YOU, RIGHT HERE? NOT RIGHT NOW.

HERE? NOT RIGHT NOW. OKAY, JUST CHECKING.

NOT RIGHT NOW. OKAY, JUST CHECKING. I GOT PLENTY OF TIME.

OKAY, JUST CHECKING. I GOT PLENTY OF TIME. ZERO ON STYLE, YOU KNOW?

I GOT PLENTY OF TIME. ZERO ON STYLE, YOU KNOW? HEY, WATCH THIS, GUYS.

ZERO ON STYLE, YOU KNOW? HEY, WATCH THIS, GUYS. WATCH THIS.

HEY, WATCH THIS, GUYS. WATCH THIS. YOUR EYES ARE LIKE TINTED OPERA

WATCH THIS. YOUR EYES ARE LIKE TINTED OPERA WINDOWS.

YOUR EYES ARE LIKE TINTED OPERA WINDOWS. YOUR HAIR AND SKIN IS LIKE THE

WINDOWS. YOUR HAIR AND SKIN IS LIKE THE FINEST CORINTHIAN LEATHER.

YOUR HAIR AND SKIN IS LIKE THE FINEST CORINTHIAN LEATHER. HEY, HAVE YOU CHANGED YOUR

FINEST CORINTHIAN LEATHER. HEY, HAVE YOU CHANGED YOUR MIND YET?

HEY, HAVE YOU CHANGED YOUR MIND YET? NO.

MIND YET? NO. OKAY, HOW ABOUT YOU, RIGHT

NO. OKAY, HOW ABOUT YOU, RIGHT OVER HERE?

OKAY, HOW ABOUT YOU, RIGHT OVER HERE? YOU CHANGE YOUR MIND?

OVER HERE? YOU CHANGE YOUR MIND? NO.

YOU CHANGE YOUR MIND? NO. WHAT ABOUT THIS GIRL, RIGHT

NO. WHAT ABOUT THIS GIRL, RIGHT HERE?

WHAT ABOUT THIS GIRL, RIGHT HERE? NO.

HERE? NO. OKAY, JUST LET ME KNOW.

NO. OKAY, JUST LET ME KNOW. I'M IN NO HURRY.

OKAY, JUST LET ME KNOW. I'M IN NO HURRY. I'LL BE RIGHT HERE.

I'M IN NO HURRY. I'LL BE RIGHT HERE. WAIT A MINUTE.

I'LL BE RIGHT HERE. WAIT A MINUTE. I THINK I CAN FIGURE OUT WHO YOU

WAIT A MINUTE. I THINK I CAN FIGURE OUT WHO YOU ARE.

I THINK I CAN FIGURE OUT WHO YOU ARE. LET ME SEE YOUR CAR KEYS.

ARE. LET ME SEE YOUR CAR KEYS. CERTAINLY.

LET ME SEE YOUR CAR KEYS. CERTAINLY. GLAD TO COMPLY, LOVELY LADY.

CERTAINLY. GLAD TO COMPLY, LOVELY LADY. AND TO MY HEART, AS WELL.

GLAD TO COMPLY, LOVELY LADY. AND TO MY HEART, AS WELL. OKAY, MATADOR, GRANADA, AND

AND TO MY HEART, AS WELL. OKAY, MATADOR, GRANADA, AND CORDOBA.

OKAY, MATADOR, GRANADA, AND CORDOBA. YOU ARE RICARDO.

CORDOBA. YOU ARE RICARDO. RICKY RICARDO?

YOU ARE RICARDO. RICKY RICARDO? STUPID FOOL!

RICKY RICARDO? STUPID FOOL! AT LEAST WE KNOW THAT.

STUPID FOOL! AT LEAST WE KNOW THAT. NONE OF US HERE IS

AT LEAST WE KNOW THAT. NONE OF US HERE IS RICKY RICARDO!

NONE OF US HERE IS RICKY RICARDO! OF COURSE!

RICKY RICARDO! OF COURSE! I AM RICARDO MONTALBAN!

OF COURSE! I AM RICARDO MONTALBAN! RIGHT!

I AM RICARDO MONTALBAN! RIGHT! MY COMMERCIAL ENDORSEMENTS...

RIGHT! MY COMMERCIAL ENDORSEMENTS... IT'S ALL COMING BACK TO ME.

MY COMMERCIAL ENDORSEMENTS... IT'S ALL COMING BACK TO ME. AS A SPANIARD, I LOVE TO FEEL

IT'S ALL COMING BACK TO ME. AS A SPANIARD, I LOVE TO FEEL THE WIND AND FIRE IN MY FACE.

AS A SPANIARD, I LOVE TO FEEL THE WIND AND FIRE IN MY FACE. WHEN I CHOOSE A CAR, I CHOOSE A

THE WIND AND FIRE IN MY FACE. WHEN I CHOOSE A CAR, I CHOOSE A CAR WITH A CERTAIN SPIRIT, A CAR

WHEN I CHOOSE A CAR, I CHOOSE A CAR WITH A CERTAIN SPIRIT, A CAR THAT WILL... YOU KNOW, I MEAN,

CAR WITH A CERTAIN SPIRIT, A CAR THAT WILL... YOU KNOW, I MEAN, THE COMMERCIALS.

THAT WILL... YOU KNOW, I MEAN, THE COMMERCIALS. THEY'RE RUNNING ALL OVER THE

THE COMMERCIALS. THEY'RE RUNNING ALL OVER THE PLACE.

THEY'RE RUNNING ALL OVER THE PLACE. OKAY, OKAY, NOW IT'S BETWEEN

PLACE. OKAY, OKAY, NOW IT'S BETWEEN FERNANDO AND CESAR.

OKAY, OKAY, NOW IT'S BETWEEN FERNANDO AND CESAR. OH, WAIT A MINUTE!

FERNANDO AND CESAR. OH, WAIT A MINUTE! I HAVE A PICTURE OF

OH, WAIT A MINUTE! I HAVE A PICTURE OF FERNANDO LAMAS.

I HAVE A PICTURE OF FERNANDO LAMAS. IT CAME WITH MY WALLET.

FERNANDO LAMAS. IT CAME WITH MY WALLET. THERE.

IT CAME WITH MY WALLET. THERE. THAT'S ME!

THERE. THAT'S ME! SO I'M FERNANDO LAMAS.

THAT'S ME! SO I'M FERNANDO LAMAS. I AM RICARDO.

SO I'M FERNANDO LAMAS. I AM RICARDO. THEN THAT MEANS I AM

I AM RICARDO. THEN THAT MEANS I AM CESAR ROMERO.

THEN THAT MEANS I AM CESAR ROMERO. EXCELLENT!

CESAR ROMERO. EXCELLENT! I LOVED MYSELF IN "WEEKEND IN

EXCELLENT! I LOVED MYSELF IN "WEEKEND IN HAVANA."

I LOVED MYSELF IN "WEEKEND IN HAVANA." WAITER, CAN WE HAVE SOME

HAVANA." WAITER, CAN WE HAVE SOME WINE, PLEASE?

WAITER, CAN WE HAVE SOME WINE, PLEASE? WINE FOR THE LADIES.

WINE, PLEASE? WINE FOR THE LADIES. WE ARE CELEBRATING OURSELVES.

WINE FOR THE LADIES. WE ARE CELEBRATING OURSELVES. EXCUSE US, LOVELY, LOVELY

WE ARE CELEBRATING OURSELVES. EXCUSE US, LOVELY, LOVELY LADIES.

EXCUSE US, LOVELY, LOVELY LADIES. BUT PERHAPS YOU CAN HELP US.

LADIES. BUT PERHAPS YOU CAN HELP US. I AM EITHER SERGIO FRANCHI,

BUT PERHAPS YOU CAN HELP US. I AM EITHER SERGIO FRANCHI, ROSSANO BRAZZI, OR

I AM EITHER SERGIO FRANCHI, ROSSANO BRAZZI, OR ENZO STUARTI.

ROSSANO BRAZZI, OR ENZO STUARTI. All: YOU SEE, WE ARE A BIT

ENZO STUARTI. All: YOU SEE, WE ARE A BIT CONFUSED.

All: YOU SEE, WE ARE A BIT CONFUSED. LET'S SEE YOUR KEYS, BOYS.

CONFUSED. LET'S SEE YOUR KEYS, BOYS. WHOEVER'S DRIVING THE VOLARE

LET'S SEE YOUR KEYS, BOYS. WHOEVER'S DRIVING THE VOLARE MUST BE SERGIO FRANCHI.

Announcer: AND NOW "WEEKEND UPDATE," WITH JANE CURTIN. OH, COME ON.

UPDATE," WITH JANE CURTIN. OH, COME ON. GIVE ME A BREAK.

OH, COME ON. GIVE ME A BREAK. I MEAN, SO THE GUY HAS HIS

GIVE ME A BREAK. I MEAN, SO THE GUY HAS HIS SPECIAL.

I MEAN, SO THE GUY HAS HIS SPECIAL. DOES THAT MAKE HIM A STAR?

SPECIAL. DOES THAT MAKE HIM A STAR? OKAY, YEAH, GRANTED, THE RATINGS

DOES THAT MAKE HIM A STAR? OKAY, YEAH, GRANTED, THE RATINGS WERE GOOD, BUT HE FOLLOWED

OKAY, YEAH, GRANTED, THE RATINGS WERE GOOD, BUT HE FOLLOWED RICHARD PRYOR!

WERE GOOD, BUT HE FOLLOWED RICHARD PRYOR! RICHARD PRYOR'S WONDERFUL!

RICHARD PRYOR! RICHARD PRYOR'S WONDERFUL! WHO'S GONNA GET UP AND TURN THE

RICHARD PRYOR'S WONDERFUL! WHO'S GONNA GET UP AND TURN THE TV OFF WHEN THEY'RE LAUGHING?

WHO'S GONNA GET UP AND TURN THE TV OFF WHEN THEY'RE LAUGHING? OH, DID YOU SEE HIM ON THE

TV OFF WHEN THEY'RE LAUGHING? OH, DID YOU SEE HIM ON THE CARSON SHOW?

OH, DID YOU SEE HIM ON THE CARSON SHOW? I HAVE TO ADMIT, I LOVED HIM ON

CARSON SHOW? I HAVE TO ADMIT, I LOVED HIM ON THAT.

I HAVE TO ADMIT, I LOVED HIM ON THAT. MY FAVORITE PART WAS WHEN HE

THAT. MY FAVORITE PART WAS WHEN HE ASKED HIS WIFE TO STAND UP IN

MY FAVORITE PART WAS WHEN HE ASKED HIS WIFE TO STAND UP IN THE AUDIENCE.

ASKED HIS WIFE TO STAND UP IN THE AUDIENCE. IT WAS JUST LIKE STEVE ALLEN AND

THE AUDIENCE. IT WAS JUST LIKE STEVE ALLEN AND JAYNE MEADOWS.

IT WAS JUST LIKE STEVE ALLEN AND JAYNE MEADOWS. OH, I-I GOT TO GO.

JAYNE MEADOWS. OH, I-I GOT TO GO. BYE.

OH, I-I GOT TO GO. BYE. OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT...

BYE. OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT... IN A SPECTACULAR COUP, THE

OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT... IN A SPECTACULAR COUP, THE NATIONAL BROADCASTING COMPANY

IN A SPECTACULAR COUP, THE NATIONAL BROADCASTING COMPANY HAS SIGNED HEAVYWEIGHT BOXER

NATIONAL BROADCASTING COMPANY HAS SIGNED HEAVYWEIGHT BOXER DUANE BOBICK TO AN EXCLUSIVE

HAS SIGNED HEAVYWEIGHT BOXER DUANE BOBICK TO AN EXCLUSIVE 5-YEAR CONTRACT AS A NETWORK

DUANE BOBICK TO AN EXCLUSIVE 5-YEAR CONTRACT AS A NETWORK PERSONALITY.

5-YEAR CONTRACT AS A NETWORK PERSONALITY. BEATING OUT THE OTHER NETWORKS,

PERSONALITY. BEATING OUT THE OTHER NETWORKS, THE CONTRACT WAS SIGNED JUST

BEATING OUT THE OTHER NETWORKS, THE CONTRACT WAS SIGNED JUST SECONDS BEFORE BOBICK STEPPED

THE CONTRACT WAS SIGNED JUST SECONDS BEFORE BOBICK STEPPED INTO THE RING WITH KEN NORTON.

SECONDS BEFORE BOBICK STEPPED INTO THE RING WITH KEN NORTON. ASKED TO COMMENT, BOBICK SAID...

INTO THE RING WITH KEN NORTON. ASKED TO COMMENT, BOBICK SAID... [IMITATING DONALD DUCK]

ASKED TO COMMENT, BOBICK SAID... [IMITATING DONALD DUCK] TV PERSONALITY DAVID FROST,

[IMITATING DONALD DUCK] TV PERSONALITY DAVID FROST, INSPIRED BY THE SUCCESS OF HIS

TV PERSONALITY DAVID FROST, INSPIRED BY THE SUCCESS OF HIS NIXON INTERVIEWS, HAS ANNOUNCED

INSPIRED BY THE SUCCESS OF HIS NIXON INTERVIEWS, HAS ANNOUNCED PLANS TO INTERVIEW FORMER

NIXON INTERVIEWS, HAS ANNOUNCED PLANS TO INTERVIEW FORMER PRESIDENTS JOHNSON, KENNEDY,

PLANS TO INTERVIEW FORMER PRESIDENTS JOHNSON, KENNEDY, EISENHOWER, TRUMAN, AND

PRESIDENTS JOHNSON, KENNEDY, EISENHOWER, TRUMAN, AND ROOSEVELT.

EISENHOWER, TRUMAN, AND ROOSEVELT. ANSWERING COMMENTS THAT THE PLAN

ROOSEVELT. ANSWERING COMMENTS THAT THE PLAN SEEMED PREPOSTEROUS, FROST SAID,

ANSWERING COMMENTS THAT THE PLAN SEEMED PREPOSTEROUS, FROST SAID, "IF PEOPLE BELIEVE NIXON,

SEEMED PREPOSTEROUS, FROST SAID, "IF PEOPLE BELIEVE NIXON, THEY'LL BELIEVE ANYTHING."

"IF PEOPLE BELIEVE NIXON, THEY'LL BELIEVE ANYTHING." WHILE IN LONDON FOR LAST WEEK'S

THEY'LL BELIEVE ANYTHING." WHILE IN LONDON FOR LAST WEEK'S SUMMIT MEETING, PRESIDENT CARTER

WHILE IN LONDON FOR LAST WEEK'S SUMMIT MEETING, PRESIDENT CARTER RECOMMENDED THAT ONE OF HIS

SUMMIT MEETING, PRESIDENT CARTER RECOMMENDED THAT ONE OF HIS FAVORITE POETS, DYLAN THOMAS, BE

RECOMMENDED THAT ONE OF HIS FAVORITE POETS, DYLAN THOMAS, BE REMOVED FROM HIS GRAVE IN WALES

FAVORITE POETS, DYLAN THOMAS, BE REMOVED FROM HIS GRAVE IN WALES AND ENSHRINED IN HISTORIC

REMOVED FROM HIS GRAVE IN WALES AND ENSHRINED IN HISTORIC WESTMINSTER ABBEY.

AND ENSHRINED IN HISTORIC WESTMINSTER ABBEY. CARTER ALSO REQUESTED THAT

WESTMINSTER ABBEY. CARTER ALSO REQUESTED THAT ANOTHER OF HIS FAVORITE POETS,

CARTER ALSO REQUESTED THAT ANOTHER OF HIS FAVORITE POETS, ROD McKUEN, BE BURIED IN THE

ANOTHER OF HIS FAVORITE POETS, ROD McKUEN, BE BURIED IN THE ABBEY IMMEDIATELY.

ROD McKUEN, BE BURIED IN THE ABBEY IMMEDIATELY. PATTY HEARST, SHOWN HERE

ABBEY IMMEDIATELY. PATTY HEARST, SHOWN HERE RELAXING ON THE LAWN AT

PATTY HEARST, SHOWN HERE RELAXING ON THE LAWN AT SAN SIMEON, WAS PLACED ON FIVE

RELAXING ON THE LAWN AT SAN SIMEON, WAS PLACED ON FIVE YEARS' PROBATION FOR HER

SAN SIMEON, WAS PLACED ON FIVE YEARS' PROBATION FOR HER ARMED-ROBBERY AND ASSAULT CHARGE

YEARS' PROBATION FOR HER ARMED-ROBBERY AND ASSAULT CHARGE AND ORDERED TO PAY $6,000 IN

ARMED-ROBBERY AND ASSAULT CHARGE AND ORDERED TO PAY $6,000 IN PROPERTY DAMAGE.

AND ORDERED TO PAY $6,000 IN PROPERTY DAMAGE. DESPITE RUMORS OF ROMANCE,

PROPERTY DAMAGE. DESPITE RUMORS OF ROMANCE, MISS HEARST SAYS SHE HAS NO

DESPITE RUMORS OF ROMANCE, MISS HEARST SAYS SHE HAS NO PLANS, COMMENTING, "I DON'T WANT

MISS HEARST SAYS SHE HAS NO PLANS, COMMENTING, "I DON'T WANT TO MARRY AND SETTLE DOWN BEFORE

PLANS, COMMENTING, "I DON'T WANT TO MARRY AND SETTLE DOWN BEFORE I'VE HAD A LITTLE EXCITEMENT IN

TO MARRY AND SETTLE DOWN BEFORE I'VE HAD A LITTLE EXCITEMENT IN MY LIFE."

I'VE HAD A LITTLE EXCITEMENT IN MY LIFE." 64-YEAR-OLD COWBOY ROY ROGERS

MY LIFE." 64-YEAR-OLD COWBOY ROY ROGERS STATED THIS WEEK THAT WHEN HE

64-YEAR-OLD COWBOY ROY ROGERS STATED THIS WEEK THAT WHEN HE DIES, HE WOULD LIKE TO BE

STATED THIS WEEK THAT WHEN HE DIES, HE WOULD LIKE TO BE STUFFED AND MOUNTED ON TOP OF

DIES, HE WOULD LIKE TO BE STUFFED AND MOUNTED ON TOP OF TRIGGER, HIS DEAD HORSE, WHO IS

STUFFED AND MOUNTED ON TOP OF TRIGGER, HIS DEAD HORSE, WHO IS ALSO STUFFED AND MOUNTED.

TRIGGER, HIS DEAD HORSE, WHO IS ALSO STUFFED AND MOUNTED. WHEN ASKED TO COMMENT ON THIS,

ALSO STUFFED AND MOUNTED. WHEN ASKED TO COMMENT ON THIS, DALE EVANS, ROY'S AFFECTIONATE

WHEN ASKED TO COMMENT ON THIS, DALE EVANS, ROY'S AFFECTIONATE WIFE, SAID THAT SHE, TOO, WOULD

DALE EVANS, ROY'S AFFECTIONATE WIFE, SAID THAT SHE, TOO, WOULD LIKE TO BE STUFFED AND MOUNTED

WIFE, SAID THAT SHE, TOO, WOULD LIKE TO BE STUFFED AND MOUNTED BUT NOT NECESSARILY IN THAT

LIKE TO BE STUFFED AND MOUNTED BUT NOT NECESSARILY IN THAT ORDER.

BUT NOT NECESSARILY IN THAT ORDER. A FILM EXPERT CLAIMED THIS WEEK

ORDER. A FILM EXPERT CLAIMED THIS WEEK THAT THERE IS A FIFTH FACE ON

A FILM EXPERT CLAIMED THIS WEEK THAT THERE IS A FIFTH FACE ON THE NATIONAL MONUMENT

THAT THERE IS A FIFTH FACE ON THE NATIONAL MONUMENT MOUNT RUSHMORE.

THE NATIONAL MONUMENT MOUNT RUSHMORE. LARGER AND MORE SUBTLY DEFINED

MOUNT RUSHMORE. LARGER AND MORE SUBTLY DEFINED THAN THE FOUR PRESIDENTS' FACES,

LARGER AND MORE SUBTLY DEFINED THAN THE FOUR PRESIDENTS' FACES, IT IS BELIEVED TO BE THE PROFILE

THAN THE FOUR PRESIDENTS' FACES, IT IS BELIEVED TO BE THE PROFILE OF COMEDIAN DAVID BRENNER.

IT IS BELIEVED TO BE THE PROFILE OF COMEDIAN DAVID BRENNER. IN SPORTS, JACK NICKLAUS WON THE

OF COMEDIAN DAVID BRENNER. IN SPORTS, JACK NICKLAUS WON THE THIRD ANNUAL QUAKER OATS

IN SPORTS, JACK NICKLAUS WON THE THIRD ANNUAL QUAKER OATS INVITATIONAL.

THIRD ANNUAL QUAKER OATS INVITATIONAL. HE IS SHOWN HERE CLINCHING

INVITATIONAL. HE IS SHOWN HERE CLINCHING VICTORY BY BLASTING OUT OF AN

HE IS SHOWN HERE CLINCHING VICTORY BY BLASTING OUT OF AN OATMEAL TRAP DIRECTLY INTO AN

VICTORY BY BLASTING OUT OF AN OATMEAL TRAP DIRECTLY INTO AN EGG CUP.

OATMEAL TRAP DIRECTLY INTO AN EGG CUP. WELL, WATERGATE COVER-UP

EGG CUP. WELL, WATERGATE COVER-UP CO-CONSPIRATORS JOHN MITCHELL,

WELL, WATERGATE COVER-UP CO-CONSPIRATORS JOHN MITCHELL, JOHN E. EHRLICHMAN, AND

CO-CONSPIRATORS JOHN MITCHELL, JOHN E. EHRLICHMAN, AND "CUBBY" HALDEMAN HAVE BEEN

JOHN E. EHRLICHMAN, AND "CUBBY" HALDEMAN HAVE BEEN SIGNED AS MOUSEKETEERS ON THE

"CUBBY" HALDEMAN HAVE BEEN SIGNED AS MOUSEKETEERS ON THE MICKEY MOUSE CLUB TV SERIES.

SIGNED AS MOUSEKETEERS ON THE MICKEY MOUSE CLUB TV SERIES. WHEN ASKED TO COMMENT ON THIS

MICKEY MOUSE CLUB TV SERIES. WHEN ASKED TO COMMENT ON THIS UNUSUAL MOVE, THE THREE

WHEN ASKED TO COMMENT ON THIS UNUSUAL MOVE, THE THREE DEFENDANTS SAID IN UNISON, "WHY?

UNUSUAL MOVE, THE THREE DEFENDANTS SAID IN UNISON, "WHY? BECAUSE WE LIKE YOU!"

DEFENDANTS SAID IN UNISON, "WHY? BECAUSE WE LIKE YOU!" STILL TO COME... JAPANESE

BECAUSE WE LIKE YOU!" STILL TO COME... JAPANESE CEREMONIAL WIFE-DROWNING AFTER

STILL TO COME... JAPANESE CEREMONIAL WIFE-DROWNING AFTER THIS MESSAGE.

[BELL DINGS]

YOU ARE ABOUT TO WITNESS A

CRIME.

HELLO, THIS IS DUANE BOBICK.

ACCORDING TO STATISTICS, EVERY

58 SECONDS A WHITE MAN IS

BRUTALLY BEATEN BY A BLACK MAN.

THIS IS NOT NECESSARILY THE

FAULT OF THE BLACK MAN, BECAUSE

ENVIRONMENTAL AND SOCIETAL

CONDITIONS SOMETIMES LEAVE HIM

NO CHOICE.

THAT'S WHERE THE BLACK EDUCATIONAL CONFERENCE COMES IN. THEY HAVE SHOWN THOUSANDS OF

EDUCATIONAL CONFERENCE COMES IN. THEY HAVE SHOWN THOUSANDS OF BLACK MEN THAT THEY DO NOT HAVE

THEY HAVE SHOWN THOUSANDS OF BLACK MEN THAT THEY DO NOT HAVE TO RESORT TO VIOLENCE TO PROVE

BLACK MEN THAT THEY DO NOT HAVE TO RESORT TO VIOLENCE TO PROVE THEIR MASCULINITY.

TO RESORT TO VIOLENCE TO PROVE THEIR MASCULINITY. THEY'VE SHOWN BLACKS HOW TO FIND

THEIR MASCULINITY. THEY'VE SHOWN BLACKS HOW TO FIND RICH, FULFILLING, AND

THEY'VE SHOWN BLACKS HOW TO FIND RICH, FULFILLING, AND NONAGGRESSIVE CAREERS IN THE

RICH, FULFILLING, AND NONAGGRESSIVE CAREERS IN THE FIELDS OF COMPUTER TECHNOLOGY,

NONAGGRESSIVE CAREERS IN THE FIELDS OF COMPUTER TECHNOLOGY, BUSINESS ADMINISTRATION, AND

FIELDS OF COMPUTER TECHNOLOGY, BUSINESS ADMINISTRATION, AND DENTISTRY, THAT THERE ARE

BUSINESS ADMINISTRATION, AND DENTISTRY, THAT THERE ARE SATISFACTIONS IN LIFE OTHER THAN

DENTISTRY, THAT THERE ARE SATISFACTIONS IN LIFE OTHER THAN BEATING UP ON WHITEY.

SATISFACTIONS IN LIFE OTHER THAN BEATING UP ON WHITEY. THEY SUFFERED FOR 400 YEARS,

BEATING UP ON WHITEY. THEY SUFFERED FOR 400 YEARS, AND WE'RE SORRY ABOUT IT.

THEY SUFFERED FOR 400 YEARS, AND WE'RE SORRY ABOUT IT. I'VE SEEN "ROOTS" AND SO HAVE

AND WE'RE SORRY ABOUT IT. I'VE SEEN "ROOTS" AND SO HAVE YOU.

I'VE SEEN "ROOTS" AND SO HAVE YOU. LET'S GIVE THEM A CHANCE TO USE

YOU. LET'S GIVE THEM A CHANCE TO USE THEIR MINDS.

LET'S GIVE THEM A CHANCE TO USE THEIR MINDS. REMEMBER, A BETTER-EDUCATED

THEIR MINDS. REMEMBER, A BETTER-EDUCATED BLACK MAN IS A WEAKER OPPONENT.

REMEMBER, A BETTER-EDUCATED BLACK MAN IS A WEAKER OPPONENT. SHOW THEM HOW SORRY WE ARE.

BLACK MAN IS A WEAKER OPPONENT. SHOW THEM HOW SORRY WE ARE. HELP THE BLACK MAN GAIN RESPECT

SHOW THEM HOW SORRY WE ARE. HELP THE BLACK MAN GAIN RESPECT FOR THEMSELVES.

HELP THE BLACK MAN GAIN RESPECT FOR THEMSELVES. I KNOW I HAVE.

FOR THEMSELVES. I KNOW I HAVE. Announcer: SEND MONEY TO

I KNOW I HAVE. Announcer: SEND MONEY TO BLACK EDUCATIONAL CONFERENCE,

Announcer: SEND MONEY TO BLACK EDUCATIONAL CONFERENCE, BOX 58, NEW YORK.

BLACK EDUCATIONAL CONFERENCE, BOX 58, NEW YORK. AND REMEMBER...

THE MAKERS OF THE MR. COFFEE APPLIANCE REVEALED THIS WEEK THAT OVER A HALF MILLION OF THE

APPLIANCE REVEALED THIS WEEK THAT OVER A HALF MILLION OF THE MACHINES HAVE A DEFECT WHICH MAY

THAT OVER A HALF MILLION OF THE MACHINES HAVE A DEFECT WHICH MAY CAUSE A SHORT CIRCUIT, RESULTING

MACHINES HAVE A DEFECT WHICH MAY CAUSE A SHORT CIRCUIT, RESULTING IN FIRE.

CAUSE A SHORT CIRCUIT, RESULTING IN FIRE. OUR UPDATE CONSUMER DEPARTMENT

IN FIRE. OUR UPDATE CONSUMER DEPARTMENT REPORTS THAT THE MR. COFFEE

OUR UPDATE CONSUMER DEPARTMENT REPORTS THAT THE MR. COFFEE MANUFACTURER DOES NOT PLAN TO

REPORTS THAT THE MR. COFFEE MANUFACTURER DOES NOT PLAN TO RECALL THE DANGEROUS UNITS BUT

MANUFACTURER DOES NOT PLAN TO RECALL THE DANGEROUS UNITS BUT WILL INTRODUCE A NEW PRODUCT,

RECALL THE DANGEROUS UNITS BUT WILL INTRODUCE A NEW PRODUCT, MR. FIRE EXTINGUISHER.

WILL INTRODUCE A NEW PRODUCT, MR. FIRE EXTINGUISHER. IN A SURPRISE MOVE THIS WEEK,

MR. FIRE EXTINGUISHER. IN A SURPRISE MOVE THIS WEEK, PRESIDENT JIMMY CARTER STRAPPED

IN A SURPRISE MOVE THIS WEEK, PRESIDENT JIMMY CARTER STRAPPED THREE STICKS OF DYNAMITE TO HIS

PRESIDENT JIMMY CARTER STRAPPED THREE STICKS OF DYNAMITE TO HIS BODY AND MADE HIMSELF INTO A

THREE STICKS OF DYNAMITE TO HIS BODY AND MADE HIMSELF INTO A HUMAN BOMB.

BODY AND MADE HIMSELF INTO A HUMAN BOMB. ADDRESSING CONGRESS, CARTER

HUMAN BOMB. ADDRESSING CONGRESS, CARTER THREATENED TO EXPLODE HIMSELF

ADDRESSING CONGRESS, CARTER THREATENED TO EXPLODE HIMSELF UNLESS ONE OF THE SENIOR MEMBERS

THREATENED TO EXPLODE HIMSELF UNLESS ONE OF THE SENIOR MEMBERS OF THE HOUSE OFFERED TO DATE HIS

UNLESS ONE OF THE SENIOR MEMBERS OF THE HOUSE OFFERED TO DATE HIS AGING MOTHER, LILLIAN.

OF THE HOUSE OFFERED TO DATE HIS AGING MOTHER, LILLIAN. AND NOW WITH TONIGHT'S

AGING MOTHER, LILLIAN. AND NOW WITH TONIGHT'S COMMENTARY IS EMILY LITELLA.

AND NOW WITH TONIGHT'S COMMENTARY IS EMILY LITELLA. I KNEW THIS WAS GOING TO HAPPEN.

COMMENTARY IS EMILY LITELLA. I KNEW THIS WAS GOING TO HAPPEN. WHERE THE HELL IS SHE?

I KNEW THIS WAS GOING TO HAPPEN. WHERE THE HELL IS SHE? FOR GOD'S SAKES.

WHERE THE HELL IS SHE? FOR GOD'S SAKES. IRRESPONSIBLE, ANNOYING WOMAN.

FOR GOD'S SAKES. IRRESPONSIBLE, ANNOYING WOMAN. GOD KNOWS SHE'S NO LONGER FUNNY.

IRRESPONSIBLE, ANNOYING WOMAN. GOD KNOWS SHE'S NO LONGER FUNNY. Hello.

GOD KNOWS SHE'S NO LONGER FUNNY. Hello. This is Emily Litella.

Hello. This is Emily Litella. I'm not home right now, but i

This is Emily Litella. I'm not home right now, but i will call you back as soon as

I'm not home right now, but i will call you back as soon as possible.

Will call you back as soon as possible. Just leave your name, number,

possible. Just leave your name, number, and what time you called after

Just leave your name, number, and what time you called after you hear the sound of the jeep.

And what time you called after you hear the sound of the jeep. [BEEPS]

you hear the sound of the jeep. [BEEPS] EMILY, THAT'S BEEP, NOT JEEP.

[BEEPS] EMILY, THAT'S BEEP, NOT JEEP. A JEEP IS AN ARMY VEHICLE.

EMILY, THAT'S BEEP, NOT JEEP. A JEEP IS AN ARMY VEHICLE. A BEEP IS A TONE.

A JEEP IS AN ARMY VEHICLE. A BEEP IS A TONE. YOU SHOULD KNOW THAT IF YOU WERE

A BEEP IS A TONE. YOU SHOULD KNOW THAT IF YOU WERE IN TELEVISION.

YOU SHOULD KNOW THAT IF YOU WERE IN TELEVISION. BEEP, NOT JEEP!

IN TELEVISION. BEEP, NOT JEEP! Oh, never mind.

BEEP, NOT JEEP! Oh, never mind. STUPID WOMAN.

Oh, never mind. STUPID WOMAN. Bitch.

STUPID WOMAN. Bitch. THAT'S OUR NEWS FOR TONIGHT.

Bitch. THAT'S OUR NEWS FOR TONIGHT. GOOD NIGHT AND HAVE A PLEASANT

THAT'S OUR NEWS FOR TONIGHT. GOOD NIGHT AND HAVE A PLEASANT TOMORROW.

OKAY! OKAY, COLONEL, WE'RE JUST ABOUT READY TO START.

OKAY, COLONEL, WE'RE JUST ABOUT READY TO START. CAN WE HAVE ELVIS IN ONE MINUTE?

READY TO START. CAN WE HAVE ELVIS IN ONE MINUTE? FINE, HONEY. NO PROBLEM.

CAN WE HAVE ELVIS IN ONE MINUTE? FINE, HONEY. NO PROBLEM. SWEET POTATO.

FINE, HONEY. NO PROBLEM. SWEET POTATO. YOU KNOW, COLONEL, THIS SCENE,

SWEET POTATO. YOU KNOW, COLONEL, THIS SCENE, UH, THIS SCENE JUST DOESN'T SEEM

YOU KNOW, COLONEL, THIS SCENE, UH, THIS SCENE JUST DOESN'T SEEM RIGHT.

UH, THIS SCENE JUST DOESN'T SEEM RIGHT. COULD HAVE BEEN FROM ANY MOVIE I

RIGHT. COULD HAVE BEEN FROM ANY MOVIE I EVER DID.

COULD HAVE BEEN FROM ANY MOVIE I EVER DID. UNDERSTAND?

EVER DID. UNDERSTAND? IT'S 1977, MAN.

UNDERSTAND? IT'S 1977, MAN. I'M TELLING YOU, ELVIS, THIS

IT'S 1977, MAN. I'M TELLING YOU, ELVIS, THIS FILM IS GONNA BE DIFFERENT.

I'M TELLING YOU, ELVIS, THIS FILM IS GONNA BE DIFFERENT. IT'S GONNA GIVE YOU AN

FILM IS GONNA BE DIFFERENT. IT'S GONNA GIVE YOU AN OPPORTUNITY TO STRETCH AS AN

IT'S GONNA GIVE YOU AN OPPORTUNITY TO STRETCH AS AN ARTIST.

OPPORTUNITY TO STRETCH AS AN ARTIST. NOW FACE IT, ELVIS.

ARTIST. NOW FACE IT, ELVIS. WITH ALL THE WEIGHT THAT YOU'VE

NOW FACE IT, ELVIS. WITH ALL THE WEIGHT THAT YOU'VE PUT ON, YOU'VE GOT TO LEARN TO

WITH ALL THE WEIGHT THAT YOU'VE PUT ON, YOU'VE GOT TO LEARN TO PLAY OTHER THINGS.

PUT ON, YOU'VE GOT TO LEARN TO PLAY OTHER THINGS. I'M SORRY.

PLAY OTHER THINGS. I'M SORRY. WE NEED ELVIS IN JUST A MINUTE,

I'M SORRY. WE NEED ELVIS IN JUST A MINUTE, ALL RIGHT?

WE NEED ELVIS IN JUST A MINUTE, ALL RIGHT? OKAY, THANKS.

ALL RIGHT? OKAY, THANKS. ALL RIGHT, JUST ONE MINUTE.

OKAY, THANKS. ALL RIGHT, JUST ONE MINUTE. I'M SCARED.

ALL RIGHT, JUST ONE MINUTE. I'M SCARED. I'M SCARED.

I'M SCARED. I'M SCARED. ELVIS, IF YOU DO THIS SCENE

I'M SCARED. ELVIS, IF YOU DO THIS SCENE RIGHT, I'M TELLING YOU, ON THE

ELVIS, IF YOU DO THIS SCENE RIGHT, I'M TELLING YOU, ON THE WAY HOME, WE'RE GONNA BE ABLE TO

RIGHT, I'M TELLING YOU, ON THE WAY HOME, WE'RE GONNA BE ABLE TO STOP AT MR. DONUT, AND THAT'S A

WAY HOME, WE'RE GONNA BE ABLE TO STOP AT MR. DONUT, AND THAT'S A PROMISE.

STOP AT MR. DONUT, AND THAT'S A PROMISE. ALL RIGHT, MR. DONUT.

PROMISE. ALL RIGHT, MR. DONUT. ALL RIGHT.

ALL RIGHT, MR. DONUT. ALL RIGHT. EVERYBODY?

ALL RIGHT. EVERYBODY? EVERYBODY TAKE YOUR PLACES,

EVERYBODY? EVERYBODY TAKE YOUR PLACES, PLEASE.

EVERYBODY TAKE YOUR PLACES, PLEASE. JUST TAKE YOUR PLACES.

PLEASE. JUST TAKE YOUR PLACES. OKAY?

JUST TAKE YOUR PLACES. OKAY? SETTLE DOWN.

OKAY? SETTLE DOWN. LET'S KEEP THE NOISE DOWN.

SETTLE DOWN. LET'S KEEP THE NOISE DOWN. BOBBY?

LET'S KEEP THE NOISE DOWN. BOBBY? BOBBY? ALL RIGHT.

BOBBY? BOBBY? ALL RIGHT. LET'S GET STARTED.

BOBBY? ALL RIGHT. LET'S GET STARTED. "VIVA LAS VEGAS II,"

LET'S GET STARTED. "VIVA LAS VEGAS II," NIGHTCLUB SCENE.

"VIVA LAS VEGAS II," NIGHTCLUB SCENE. TAKE ONE.

NIGHTCLUB SCENE. TAKE ONE. READY? ACTION!

READY? ACTION! ["CAN'T HELP FALLING IN LOVE"

["CAN'T HELP FALLING IN LOVE" PLAYS]

I'M GONNA TELL YOU SOMETHING, BABY. THESE ARE THE BEST SEATS IN THE

BABY. THESE ARE THE BEST SEATS IN THE HOUSE.

THESE ARE THE BEST SEATS IN THE HOUSE. I HAD TO SLIP THE MAITRE D' A

HOUSE. I HAD TO SLIP THE MAITRE D' A GRAND, BUT I THINK IT'S WORTH

I HAD TO SLIP THE MAITRE D' A GRAND, BUT I THINK IT'S WORTH IT.

GRAND, BUT I THINK IT'S WORTH IT. THIS IS THE HOTTEST SHOW ON THE

IT. THIS IS THE HOTTEST SHOW ON THE STRIP.

THIS IS THE HOTTEST SHOW ON THE STRIP. YOU'RE GONNA LOVE IT, BABY.

STRIP. YOU'RE GONNA LOVE IT, BABY. YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO DO THAT.

YOU'RE GONNA LOVE IT, BABY. YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO DO THAT. WE COULD HAVE SAT IN THE BACK.

YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO DO THAT. WE COULD HAVE SAT IN THE BACK. [SCOFFS]

WE COULD HAVE SAT IN THE BACK. [SCOFFS] NOT ON YOUR LIFE!

[SCOFFS] NOT ON YOUR LIFE! WHEN A GIRL GOES OUT WITH

NOT ON YOUR LIFE! WHEN A GIRL GOES OUT WITH FRANKIE NOLAN, SHE'S GOES IN

WHEN A GIRL GOES OUT WITH FRANKIE NOLAN, SHE'S GOES IN STYLE!

FRANKIE NOLAN, SHE'S GOES IN STYLE! FIRST-CLASS ALL THE WAY.

STYLE! FIRST-CLASS ALL THE WAY. A THOUSAND BUCKS FOR THESE

FIRST-CLASS ALL THE WAY. A THOUSAND BUCKS FOR THESE SEATS, BUT IT'S WORTH EVERY

A THOUSAND BUCKS FOR THESE SEATS, BUT IT'S WORTH EVERY PENNY.

SEATS, BUT IT'S WORTH EVERY PENNY. IT'S THE HOTTEST SHOW ON THE

PENNY. IT'S THE HOTTEST SHOW ON THE STRIP, BABY.

IT'S THE HOTTEST SHOW ON THE STRIP, BABY. YOU'RE GONNA LOVE IT.

STRIP, BABY. YOU'RE GONNA LOVE IT. IT'S GONNA BE GOOD.

YOU'RE GONNA LOVE IT. IT'S GONNA BE GOOD. I'D LIKE SOME COFFEE, PLEASE.

IT'S GONNA BE GOOD. I'D LIKE SOME COFFEE, PLEASE. HEY, BUSBOY, TWO COFFEES!

I'D LIKE SOME COFFEE, PLEASE. HEY, BUSBOY, TWO COFFEES! SAY, WHAT DO YOU SAY YOU COME

HEY, BUSBOY, TWO COFFEES! SAY, WHAT DO YOU SAY YOU COME BACK TO MY PLACE AFTER THE SHOW,

SAY, WHAT DO YOU SAY YOU COME BACK TO MY PLACE AFTER THE SHOW, HUH?

BACK TO MY PLACE AFTER THE SHOW, HUH? WELL, I DON'T KNOW.

HUH? WELL, I DON'T KNOW. I HAVE TO GET UP EARLY.

WELL, I DON'T KNOW. I HAVE TO GET UP EARLY. COME ON!

I HAVE TO GET UP EARLY. COME ON! I GOT A POOL.

COME ON! I GOT A POOL. WE COULD GO FOR A LITTLE

I GOT A POOL. WE COULD GO FOR A LITTLE MIDNIGHT SWIM.

WE COULD GO FOR A LITTLE MIDNIGHT SWIM. AND AFTERWARDS WE COULD TRY OUT

MIDNIGHT SWIM. AND AFTERWARDS WE COULD TRY OUT MY SAUNA.

AND AFTERWARDS WE COULD TRY OUT MY SAUNA. IT'S THE HOTTEST SAUNA ON THE

MY SAUNA. IT'S THE HOTTEST SAUNA ON THE STRIP.

IT'S THE HOTTEST SAUNA ON THE STRIP. BABY, YOU'D LOVE IT.

STRIP. BABY, YOU'D LOVE IT. I DON'T KNOW.

BABY, YOU'D LOVE IT. I DON'T KNOW. I HAVE TO GET UP EARLY.

I DON'T KNOW. I HAVE TO GET UP EARLY. AW, COME ON, BABY.

I HAVE TO GET UP EARLY. AW, COME ON, BABY. FRANKIE'S BEING GOOD TO YOU.

AW, COME ON, BABY. FRANKIE'S BEING GOOD TO YOU. YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

FRANKIE'S BEING GOOD TO YOU. YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? EXCUSE ME.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? EXCUSE ME. PARDON ME.

EXCUSE ME. PARDON ME. HERE'S YOUR COFFEE, MISTER,

PARDON ME. HERE'S YOUR COFFEE, MISTER, RIGHT HERE.

HERE'S YOUR COFFEE, MISTER, RIGHT HERE. I'M TELLING YOU, BABY.

RIGHT HERE. I'M TELLING YOU, BABY. HERE'S YOUR COFFEE.

I'M TELLING YOU, BABY. HERE'S YOUR COFFEE. LOOK.

HERE'S YOUR COFFEE. LOOK. THIS IS OUR SECOND DATE.

LOOK. THIS IS OUR SECOND DATE. I'VE SPENT CLOSE TO $3 MILLION

THIS IS OUR SECOND DATE. I'VE SPENT CLOSE TO $3 MILLION ON YOU.

I'VE SPENT CLOSE TO $3 MILLION ON YOU. DON'T YOU THINK YOU OWE ME

ON YOU. DON'T YOU THINK YOU OWE ME SOMETHING, BABY?

DON'T YOU THINK YOU OWE ME SOMETHING, BABY? COME ON.

SOMETHING, BABY? COME ON. I DON'T KNOW.

COME ON. I DON'T KNOW. I HAVE TO GET UP EARLY.

I DON'T KNOW. I HAVE TO GET UP EARLY. NO GIRL TURNS DOWN AN OFFER

I HAVE TO GET UP EARLY. NO GIRL TURNS DOWN AN OFFER LIKE THAT FROM FRANKIE NOLAN.

NO GIRL TURNS DOWN AN OFFER LIKE THAT FROM FRANKIE NOLAN. COME ON, BABY!

LIKE THAT FROM FRANKIE NOLAN. COME ON, BABY! COME ON!

COME ON, BABY! COME ON! COME ON TO MY PLACE.

COME ON! COME ON TO MY PLACE. NO?

COME ON TO MY PLACE. NO? FRANKIE'S BEING GOOD TO YOU, YOU

NO? FRANKIE'S BEING GOOD TO YOU, YOU KNOW?

FRANKIE'S BEING GOOD TO YOU, YOU KNOW? HEY!

KNOW? HEY! EXCUSE ME, MISTER, BUT WHY DON'T

HEY! EXCUSE ME, MISTER, BUT WHY DON'T YOU LEAVE THE LITTLE LADY ALONE?

EXCUSE ME, MISTER, BUT WHY DON'T YOU LEAVE THE LITTLE LADY ALONE? YOU CAN'T SEE SHE DOESN'T WANT

YOU LEAVE THE LITTLE LADY ALONE? YOU CAN'T SEE SHE DOESN'T WANT TO GO HOME WITH YOU?

YOU CAN'T SEE SHE DOESN'T WANT TO GO HOME WITH YOU? WELL, YOU LITTLE PUNK!

TO GO HOME WITH YOU? WELL, YOU LITTLE PUNK! HEY!

WELL, YOU LITTLE PUNK! HEY! LEAVE HIM ALONE, FRANKIE!

HEY! LEAVE HIM ALONE, FRANKIE! GOD, HE DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING

LEAVE HIM ALONE, FRANKIE! GOD, HE DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING WRONG.

GOD, HE DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING WRONG. BESIDES, HE'S CUTE.

WRONG. BESIDES, HE'S CUTE. BUT HE'S JUST A BUSBOY.

BESIDES, HE'S CUTE. BUT HE'S JUST A BUSBOY. YEAH, I MIGHT BE A BUSBOY

BUT HE'S JUST A BUSBOY. YEAH, I MIGHT BE A BUSBOY NOW, BUT I WON'T BE A BUSBOY ALL

YEAH, I MIGHT BE A BUSBOY NOW, BUT I WON'T BE A BUSBOY ALL MY LIFE.

NOW, BUT I WON'T BE A BUSBOY ALL MY LIFE. SOMEDAY, I'M GONNA BE UP ON THAT

MY LIFE. SOMEDAY, I'M GONNA BE UP ON THAT STAGE.

SOMEDAY, I'M GONNA BE UP ON THAT STAGE. THAT'S RIGHT.

STAGE. THAT'S RIGHT. CAN YOU SING?

THAT'S RIGHT. CAN YOU SING? SING?

CAN YOU SING? SING? LADY, I'M A SHAKESPEAREAN ACTOR.

SING? LADY, I'M A SHAKESPEAREAN ACTOR. OH.

LADY, I'M A SHAKESPEAREAN ACTOR. OH. THAT'S RIGHT.

OH. THAT'S RIGHT. I CAN SEE IT NOW... MY NAME UP

THAT'S RIGHT. I CAN SEE IT NOW... MY NAME UP IN LIGHTS.

I CAN SEE IT NOW... MY NAME UP IN LIGHTS. "NOW APPEARING... LUCKY JACKSON

IN LIGHTS. "NOW APPEARING... LUCKY JACKSON AS HAMLET."

"NOW APPEARING... LUCKY JACKSON AS HAMLET." BUT YOU'RE JUST A BUSBOY.

AS HAMLET." BUT YOU'RE JUST A BUSBOY. AH, GIVE THE KID A CHANCE.

BUT YOU'RE JUST A BUSBOY. AH, GIVE THE KID A CHANCE. YEAH, HE'S REAL GOOD.

AH, GIVE THE KID A CHANCE. YEAH, HE'S REAL GOOD. YOU SHOULD HEAR HIM IN THE

YEAH, HE'S REAL GOOD. YOU SHOULD HEAR HIM IN THE KITCHEN.

YOU SHOULD HEAR HIM IN THE KITCHEN. THAT'S RIGHT.

KITCHEN. THAT'S RIGHT. HEY, ANY OF YOU PEOPLE WANT TO

THAT'S RIGHT. HEY, ANY OF YOU PEOPLE WANT TO HEAR ME DO HAMLET?

HEY, ANY OF YOU PEOPLE WANT TO HEAR ME DO HAMLET? All: YEAH!

HEAR ME DO HAMLET? All: YEAH! ALL RIGHT! COME ON!

All: YEAH! ALL RIGHT! COME ON! AND I COULD PLAY GERTRUDE,

ALL RIGHT! COME ON! AND I COULD PLAY GERTRUDE, THE QUEEN, HIS MOTHER.

AND I COULD PLAY GERTRUDE, THE QUEEN, HIS MOTHER. AND I COULD PLAY CLAUDIUS,

THE QUEEN, HIS MOTHER. AND I COULD PLAY CLAUDIUS, THE KING.

AND I COULD PLAY CLAUDIUS, THE KING. I KNOW THE LINES BY HEART.

THE KING. I KNOW THE LINES BY HEART. BUT HE'S JUST A BUSBOY!

I KNOW THE LINES BY HEART. BUT HE'S JUST A BUSBOY! I DON'T UNDERSTAND.

BUT HE'S JUST A BUSBOY! I DON'T UNDERSTAND. WE'RE GONNA DO IT.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND. WE'RE GONNA DO IT. THANK YOU VERY MUCH, LADIES AND

WE'RE GONNA DO IT. THANK YOU VERY MUCH, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN. [TRUMPET PLAYS FANFARE]

ALL RIGHT. "HAMLET" BY WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE. BUT NOW, MY COUSIN HAMLET,

"HAMLET" BY WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE. BUT NOW, MY COUSIN HAMLET, AND MY SON.

BUT NOW, MY COUSIN HAMLET, AND MY SON. A LITTLE MORE THAN KIN, A

AND MY SON. A LITTLE MORE THAN KIN, A LITTLE LESS THAN KIND.

A LITTLE MORE THAN KIN, A LITTLE LESS THAN KIND. GOOD HAMLET, CAST THY

LITTLE LESS THAN KIND. GOOD HAMLET, CAST THY NIGHTED COLOR OFF AND LET THINE

GOOD HAMLET, CAST THY NIGHTED COLOR OFF AND LET THINE EYE LOOK LIKE A FRIEND ON

NIGHTED COLOR OFF AND LET THINE EYE LOOK LIKE A FRIEND ON DENMARK.

EYE LOOK LIKE A FRIEND ON DENMARK. HUH!

DENMARK. HUH! 'TIS NOT ALONE MY INKY CLOAK,

HUH! 'TIS NOT ALONE MY INKY CLOAK, GOOD MOTHER.

'TIS NOT ALONE MY INKY CLOAK, GOOD MOTHER. NOR CUSTOMARY SUITS OF SOLEMN

GOOD MOTHER. NOR CUSTOMARY SUITS OF SOLEMN BLACK...

NOR CUSTOMARY SUITS OF SOLEMN BLACK... AND NO DEJECTED BEHAVIOR OF

BLACK... AND NO DEJECTED BEHAVIOR OF [CHUCKLES] VISAGE, BUT I HAVE

AND NO DEJECTED BEHAVIOR OF [CHUCKLES] VISAGE, BUT I HAVE THAT WITHIN WHICH PASSETH SHOW.

[CHUCKLES] VISAGE, BUT I HAVE THAT WITHIN WHICH PASSETH SHOW. BUT TRAPPINGS AND THE SUITS, OH!

THAT WITHIN WHICH PASSETH SHOW. BUT TRAPPINGS AND THE SUITS, OH! WOE!

BUT TRAPPINGS AND THE SUITS, OH! WOE! HOO!

WOE! HOO! WOE!

HOO! WOE! 'TIS SWEET AND COMMENDABLE IN

WOE! 'TIS SWEET AND COMMENDABLE IN YOUR NATURE, DEAR HAMLET.

'TIS SWEET AND COMMENDABLE IN YOUR NATURE, DEAR HAMLET. HOW ABOUT A SONG?

YOUR NATURE, DEAR HAMLET. HOW ABOUT A SONG? A SONG?

HOW ABOUT A SONG? A SONG? ANYBODY WANT TO HEAR A SONG?

A SONG? ANYBODY WANT TO HEAR A SONG? All: YEAH!

ANYBODY WANT TO HEAR A SONG? All: YEAH! HEY HOW ABOUT A SONG,

All: YEAH! HEY HOW ABOUT A SONG, EVERYBODY?

HEY HOW ABOUT A SONG, EVERYBODY? ALL RIGHT.

EVERYBODY? ALL RIGHT. WE'RE GONNA DO A LITTLE SONG FOR

ALL RIGHT. WE'RE GONNA DO A LITTLE SONG FOR YOU.

WE'RE GONNA DO A LITTLE SONG FOR YOU. ♪ WARDEN THREW A PARTY

YOU. ♪ WARDEN THREW A PARTY IN THE COUNTY JAIL ♪

♪ WARDEN THREW A PARTY IN THE COUNTY JAIL ♪ ♪ THE PRISON BAND WAS PLAYING ♪

IN THE COUNTY JAIL ♪ ♪ THE PRISON BAND WAS PLAYING ♪ ♪ THEY BEGAN TO WAIL ♪

♪ THE PRISON BAND WAS PLAYING ♪ ♪ THEY BEGAN TO WAIL ♪ ♪ THEY BEGAN TO SWING ♪

♪ THEY BEGAN TO WAIL ♪ ♪ THEY BEGAN TO SWING ♪ ♪ YOU SHOULD'VE HEARD THOSE

♪ THEY BEGAN TO SWING ♪ ♪ YOU SHOULD'VE HEARD THOSE KNOCKED-OUT JAILBIRDS RING ♪

♪ YOU SHOULD'VE HEARD THOSE KNOCKED-OUT JAILBIRDS RING ♪ ♪ LET'S ROCK ♪

KNOCKED-OUT JAILBIRDS RING ♪ ♪ LET'S ROCK ♪ ♪ EVERYBODY, LET'S ROCK ♪

♪ LET'S ROCK ♪ ♪ EVERYBODY, LET'S ROCK ♪ COME ON!

♪ EVERYBODY, LET'S ROCK ♪ COME ON! ♪ EVERYBODY IN THE WHOLE

COME ON! ♪ EVERYBODY IN THE WHOLE CELLBLOCK

♪ EVERYBODY IN THE WHOLE CELLBLOCK WAS DANCIN'

CELLBLOCK WAS DANCIN' TO THE JAILHOUSE ROCK ♪

WAS DANCIN' TO THE JAILHOUSE ROCK ♪ ♪ WELL, NUMBER 47

TO THE JAILHOUSE ROCK ♪ ♪ WELL, NUMBER 47 SAID TO NUMBER 3 ♪

♪ WELL, NUMBER 47 SAID TO NUMBER 3 ♪ JUST A BUSBOY!

SAID TO NUMBER 3 ♪ JUST A BUSBOY! I DON'T UNDERSTAND IT.

JUST A BUSBOY! I DON'T UNDERSTAND IT. ♪ COME ON ♪

I DON'T UNDERSTAND IT. ♪ COME ON ♪ ♪ DO THE JAILHOUSE ROCK

♪ COME ON ♪ ♪ DO THE JAILHOUSE ROCK WITH ME ♪

♪ DO THE JAILHOUSE ROCK WITH ME ♪ ♪ LET'S ROCK ♪

♪ EVERYBODY, LET'S ROCK ♪

[As Barbara Walters] HEWWO. I'M BABA WAWA, AND WELCOME TO "BABA WAWA AT WARGE."

I'M BABA WAWA, AND WELCOME TO "BABA WAWA AT WARGE." CONTINUING WITH MY VERY PERSONAL

"BABA WAWA AT WARGE." CONTINUING WITH MY VERY PERSONAL AND REVEAWING IN-DEPTH

CONTINUING WITH MY VERY PERSONAL AND REVEAWING IN-DEPTH INTERVIEWS WITH THE WENOWNED.

AND REVEAWING IN-DEPTH INTERVIEWS WITH THE WENOWNED. IT'S MY PWEASURE TO GIVE A

INTERVIEWS WITH THE WENOWNED. IT'S MY PWEASURE TO GIVE A BABA WAWA HEWWO TO THE MAN WHO

IT'S MY PWEASURE TO GIVE A BABA WAWA HEWWO TO THE MAN WHO WAS MARRIED WONGEST TO

BABA WAWA HEWWO TO THE MAN WHO WAS MARRIED WONGEST TO WIZ TAYLOR, MR. WICHARD BURTON.

WAS MARRIED WONGEST TO WIZ TAYLOR, MR. WICHARD BURTON. [As Richard Burton] THANK

WIZ TAYLOR, MR. WICHARD BURTON. [As Richard Burton] THANK YOU, BABA.

[As Richard Burton] THANK YOU, BABA. I TRULY, TRULY MEAN THIS, FROM

YOU, BABA. I TRULY, TRULY MEAN THIS, FROM THE DEPTHS OF MY HEART, WHEN I

I TRULY, TRULY MEAN THIS, FROM THE DEPTHS OF MY HEART, WHEN I TELL YOU THAT I LOVE YOUR SHOW,

THE DEPTHS OF MY HEART, WHEN I TELL YOU THAT I LOVE YOUR SHOW, AND I WATCH IT ALL THE TIME.

TELL YOU THAT I LOVE YOUR SHOW, AND I WATCH IT ALL THE TIME. WELL, THANK YOU, WICHARD.

AND I WATCH IT ALL THE TIME. WELL, THANK YOU, WICHARD. IT'S SO WONDERFUL TO HEAR THE

WELL, THANK YOU, WICHARD. IT'S SO WONDERFUL TO HEAR THE SOUNDS THAT WOLL OVER YOUR

IT'S SO WONDERFUL TO HEAR THE SOUNDS THAT WOLL OVER YOUR WARYNX, TO HEAR THEM WEVERBERATE

SOUNDS THAT WOLL OVER YOUR WARYNX, TO HEAR THEM WEVERBERATE THROUGH A CWOWDED THEATER OR

WARYNX, TO HEAR THEM WEVERBERATE THROUGH A CWOWDED THEATER OR BWEAK WIGHT BULBS WITH THAT

THROUGH A CWOWDED THEATER OR BWEAK WIGHT BULBS WITH THAT WICH, WICH TWEAT.

BWEAK WIGHT BULBS WITH THAT WICH, WICH TWEAT. BABA, WOULD YOU PLEASE GET

WICH, WICH TWEAT. BABA, WOULD YOU PLEASE GET OUT OF MY WRETCHED LIFE?

BABA, WOULD YOU PLEASE GET OUT OF MY WRETCHED LIFE? YOU'RE MUCH TOO KIND.

OUT OF MY WRETCHED LIFE? YOU'RE MUCH TOO KIND. BUT, YOU SEE, THIS IS JUST MY

YOU'RE MUCH TOO KIND. BUT, YOU SEE, THIS IS JUST MY STAGE VOICE, WHICH I USE FOR

BUT, YOU SEE, THIS IS JUST MY STAGE VOICE, WHICH I USE FOR PROJECTION PURPOSES.

STAGE VOICE, WHICH I USE FOR PROJECTION PURPOSES. BUT MY REAL VOICE IS SORT OF A

PROJECTION PURPOSES. BUT MY REAL VOICE IS SORT OF A SOUTHERN GREAT LAKES, MIDWESTERN

BUT MY REAL VOICE IS SORT OF A SOUTHERN GREAT LAKES, MIDWESTERN SORT OF VOICE.

SOUTHERN GREAT LAKES, MIDWESTERN SORT OF VOICE. SORT OF LIKE THIS...

SORT OF VOICE. SORT OF LIKE THIS... [Normal voice] HEY, GIRLS,

SORT OF LIKE THIS... [Normal voice] HEY, GIRLS, WHERE'S THE CAST PARTY?

[Normal voice] HEY, GIRLS, WHERE'S THE CAST PARTY? OH, WICHARD.

WHERE'S THE CAST PARTY? OH, WICHARD. LET'S GET DOWN TO BWASS TACKS.

OH, WICHARD. LET'S GET DOWN TO BWASS TACKS. A WOT OF PEOPLE ARE CURIOUS TO

LET'S GET DOWN TO BWASS TACKS. A WOT OF PEOPLE ARE CURIOUS TO KNOW, ARE YOU STILL A WUSH WHO

A WOT OF PEOPLE ARE CURIOUS TO KNOW, ARE YOU STILL A WUSH WHO DWINKS LIKE A JELLYFISH?

KNOW, ARE YOU STILL A WUSH WHO DWINKS LIKE A JELLYFISH? [As Richard Burton] NO, I

DWINKS LIKE A JELLYFISH? [As Richard Burton] NO, I HAVEN'T TOUCHED A DROP OF

[As Richard Burton] NO, I HAVEN'T TOUCHED A DROP OF JOHN BARLEYCORN FOR FIVE WEEKS.

HAVEN'T TOUCHED A DROP OF JOHN BARLEYCORN FOR FIVE WEEKS. OH-HO!

JOHN BARLEYCORN FOR FIVE WEEKS. OH-HO! WELL, THAT'S A WEMARKABLE

OH-HO! WELL, THAT'S A WEMARKABLE ACHIEVEMENT FOR A WITERALLY

WELL, THAT'S A WEMARKABLE ACHIEVEMENT FOR A WITERALLY WEFORMED ALCOHOWIC.

ACHIEVEMENT FOR A WITERALLY WEFORMED ALCOHOWIC. WELL, I WAS IN A COMA FOR THE

WEFORMED ALCOHOWIC. WELL, I WAS IN A COMA FOR THE FIRST FOUR WEEKS.

WELL, I WAS IN A COMA FOR THE FIRST FOUR WEEKS. NO, I WAS JUST KIDDING ABOUT

FIRST FOUR WEEKS. NO, I WAS JUST KIDDING ABOUT THAT.

NO, I WAS JUST KIDDING ABOUT THAT. MAKE THAT PERFECTLY CLEAR.

THAT. MAKE THAT PERFECTLY CLEAR. I'M KIDDING ABOUT THAT COMA.

MAKE THAT PERFECTLY CLEAR. I'M KIDDING ABOUT THAT COMA. A LOT OF VICIOUS STORIES GET

I'M KIDDING ABOUT THAT COMA. A LOT OF VICIOUS STORIES GET STARTED THAT WAY.

A LOT OF VICIOUS STORIES GET STARTED THAT WAY. WELL, WICHARD, WHAT DO YOU

STARTED THAT WAY. WELL, WICHARD, WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT THE WIDICULOUS

WELL, WICHARD, WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT THE WIDICULOUS STORIES THAT ARE WITTEN ABOUT

THINK ABOUT THE WIDICULOUS STORIES THAT ARE WITTEN ABOUT YOU?

STORIES THAT ARE WITTEN ABOUT YOU? I THINK THAT THE PEOPLE WHO

YOU? I THINK THAT THE PEOPLE WHO WRITE THEM ARE SPINELESS

I THINK THAT THE PEOPLE WHO WRITE THEM ARE SPINELESS PARASITES.

WRITE THEM ARE SPINELESS PARASITES. THEY'RE CREATURES WHO JUST MAKE

PARASITES. THEY'RE CREATURES WHO JUST MAKE THEIR LIVING SUCKING OFF OF

THEY'RE CREATURES WHO JUST MAKE THEIR LIVING SUCKING OFF OF OTHER PEOPLE'S LIVES.

THEIR LIVING SUCKING OFF OF OTHER PEOPLE'S LIVES. THIS MONTH, FOR EXAMPLE, A STORY

OTHER PEOPLE'S LIVES. THIS MONTH, FOR EXAMPLE, A STORY DEFAMED ME IN THE PAGES OF

THIS MONTH, FOR EXAMPLE, A STORY DEFAMED ME IN THE PAGES OF TEEN TIME MAGAZINE.

DEFAMED ME IN THE PAGES OF TEEN TIME MAGAZINE. THEY HAD NOTHING GOOD TO SAY.

TEEN TIME MAGAZINE. THEY HAD NOTHING GOOD TO SAY. TIGER BEAT MAGAZINE TRASHED ME.

THEY HAD NOTHING GOOD TO SAY. TIGER BEAT MAGAZINE TRASHED ME. SIXTEEN MAGAZINE CLAIMED I LIKE

TIGER BEAT MAGAZINE TRASHED ME. SIXTEEN MAGAZINE CLAIMED I LIKE TO GET DRUNK AND FLY UPSIDE DOWN

SIXTEEN MAGAZINE CLAIMED I LIKE TO GET DRUNK AND FLY UPSIDE DOWN IN MY PRIVATE PLANE.

TO GET DRUNK AND FLY UPSIDE DOWN IN MY PRIVATE PLANE. THEY HATE ME.

IN MY PRIVATE PLANE. THEY HATE ME. THEY DESPISE ME.

THEY HATE ME. THEY DESPISE ME. AND JUST BECAUSE I'M A PARTY

THEY DESPISE ME. AND JUST BECAUSE I'M A PARTY ANIMAL... I LOVE TO PARTY,

AND JUST BECAUSE I'M A PARTY ANIMAL... I LOVE TO PARTY, PARTY, PARTY.

ANIMAL... I LOVE TO PARTY, PARTY, PARTY. AND THEY DON'T!

PARTY, PARTY. AND THEY DON'T! OH-HO!

AND THEY DON'T! OH-HO! WELL, WICHARD, YOU WED AND WOVED

OH-HO! WELL, WICHARD, YOU WED AND WOVED EWIZABETH TAYLOR.

WELL, WICHARD, YOU WED AND WOVED EWIZABETH TAYLOR. YOU SHOWERED HER WITH EMERALDS

EWIZABETH TAYLOR. YOU SHOWERED HER WITH EMERALDS AND WUBIES AND GAVE HER THE

YOU SHOWERED HER WITH EMERALDS AND WUBIES AND GAVE HER THE WARGEST WOK IN THE WORLD.

AND WUBIES AND GAVE HER THE WARGEST WOK IN THE WORLD. WHAT WAS WIZ WEALLY WIKE,

WARGEST WOK IN THE WORLD. WHAT WAS WIZ WEALLY WIKE, WICHARD?

WHAT WAS WIZ WEALLY WIKE, WICHARD? ELIZABETH TAYLOR WAS NOT ONLY

WICHARD? ELIZABETH TAYLOR WAS NOT ONLY A VERY INTELLIGENT WOMAN, IN

ELIZABETH TAYLOR WAS NOT ONLY A VERY INTELLIGENT WOMAN, IN ADDITION TO BEING A VERY

A VERY INTELLIGENT WOMAN, IN ADDITION TO BEING A VERY TALENTED ACTRESS, BUT SHE'S ALSO

ADDITION TO BEING A VERY TALENTED ACTRESS, BUT SHE'S ALSO A VERY HOT TOMATO, IF YOU KNOW

TALENTED ACTRESS, BUT SHE'S ALSO A VERY HOT TOMATO, IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.

A VERY HOT TOMATO, IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN. YOU GOT TO TAKE A LOOK AT THESE

WHAT I MEAN. YOU GOT TO TAKE A LOOK AT THESE PICTURES I'VE GOT OF HER.

YOU GOT TO TAKE A LOOK AT THESE PICTURES I'VE GOT OF HER. IT'S UNBELIEVABLE.

PICTURES I'VE GOT OF HER. IT'S UNBELIEVABLE. LOOK AT THIS. LOOK AT THIS.

IT'S UNBELIEVABLE. LOOK AT THIS. LOOK AT THIS. BELIEVE THAT?

LOOK AT THIS. LOOK AT THIS. BELIEVE THAT? LOOK AT THIS.

BELIEVE THAT? LOOK AT THIS. OH, WIGHT.

LOOK AT THIS. OH, WIGHT. THE SWIMSUIT... YOU SEE WHAT

OH, WIGHT. THE SWIMSUIT... YOU SEE WHAT I SEE?

THE SWIMSUIT... YOU SEE WHAT I SEE? YES.

I SEE? YES. I USED TO BE MARRIED TO THAT.

YES. I USED TO BE MARRIED TO THAT. YOU BELIEVE THAT?

I USED TO BE MARRIED TO THAT. YOU BELIEVE THAT? EVERY NIGHT, WHENEVER I WANTED,

YOU BELIEVE THAT? EVERY NIGHT, WHENEVER I WANTED, I WAS MARRIED TO IT.

EVERY NIGHT, WHENEVER I WANTED, I WAS MARRIED TO IT. I HAD HER.

I WAS MARRIED TO IT. I HAD HER. I THREW IT AWAY.

I HAD HER. I THREW IT AWAY. OH, AM I STUPID.

I THREW IT AWAY. OH, AM I STUPID. REALLY.

OH, AM I STUPID. REALLY. EXCUSE ME FOR LOSING MY ACCENT

REALLY. EXCUSE ME FOR LOSING MY ACCENT AGAIN, HONEY, BUT I REALLY BLEW

EXCUSE ME FOR LOSING MY ACCENT AGAIN, HONEY, BUT I REALLY BLEW IT THAT TIME.

AGAIN, HONEY, BUT I REALLY BLEW IT THAT TIME. WICHARD, WICHARD, CALM DOWN.

IT THAT TIME. WICHARD, WICHARD, CALM DOWN. BEFORE YOU GO, WOULD YOU DO US A

WICHARD, WICHARD, CALM DOWN. BEFORE YOU GO, WOULD YOU DO US A FAVOR?

BEFORE YOU GO, WOULD YOU DO US A FAVOR? WOULD YOU WECITE SOMETHING FOR

FAVOR? WOULD YOU WECITE SOMETHING FOR US?

WOULD YOU WECITE SOMETHING FOR US? BABA, IT WOULD BE A

US? BABA, IT WOULD BE A PRIVILEGE.

BABA, IT WOULD BE A PRIVILEGE. EACH EVENING, FROM DECEMBER TO

PRIVILEGE. EACH EVENING, FROM DECEMBER TO DECEMBER, BEFORE YOU DRIFT TO

EACH EVENING, FROM DECEMBER TO DECEMBER, BEFORE YOU DRIFT TO SLEEP UPON YOUR COT, THINK BACK

DECEMBER, BEFORE YOU DRIFT TO SLEEP UPON YOUR COT, THINK BACK UPON ALL THE TALES THAT YOU

SLEEP UPON YOUR COT, THINK BACK UPON ALL THE TALES THAT YOU REMEMBER, OF CAMELOT.

UPON ALL THE TALES THAT YOU REMEMBER, OF CAMELOT. OH, THAT'S FROM "CAMEWOT"!

REMEMBER, OF CAMELOT. OH, THAT'S FROM "CAMEWOT"! NO, THAT'S CAMELOT.

OH, THAT'S FROM "CAMEWOT"! NO, THAT'S CAMELOT. OH, I WUV THAT SHOW!

NO, THAT'S CAMELOT. OH, I WUV THAT SHOW! I HAVE THE ALBUM.

OH, I WUV THAT SHOW! I HAVE THE ALBUM. I KNOW ALL THE SONGS BY HEART.

I HAVE THE ALBUM. I KNOW ALL THE SONGS BY HEART. ♪ IF EVER I WOULD WEAVE YOU ♪

I KNOW ALL THE SONGS BY HEART. ♪ IF EVER I WOULD WEAVE YOU ♪ BUT, WICHARD, I'VE HEARD

♪ IF EVER I WOULD WEAVE YOU ♪ BUT, WICHARD, I'VE HEARD "CAMEWOT" A WOT.

BUT, WICHARD, I'VE HEARD "CAMEWOT" A WOT. DON'T YOU KNOW ANYTHING ELSE?

"CAMEWOT" A WOT. DON'T YOU KNOW ANYTHING ELSE? BY HEART?

DON'T YOU KNOW ANYTHING ELSE? BY HEART? YES.

BY HEART? YES. NO.

YES. NO. JUST THIS.

NO. JUST THIS. EACH EVENING, FROM DECEMBER TO

JUST THIS. EACH EVENING, FROM DECEMBER TO DECEMBER, BEFORE YOU DRIFT TO

EACH EVENING, FROM DECEMBER TO DECEMBER, BEFORE YOU DRIFT TO SLEEP...

DECEMBER, BEFORE YOU DRIFT TO SLEEP... WADIES AND GENTLEMEN, I KNOW

SLEEP... WADIES AND GENTLEMEN, I KNOW IT SOUNDS A BIT BIZARRE, BUT

WADIES AND GENTLEMEN, I KNOW IT SOUNDS A BIT BIZARRE, BUT WE'VE WUN OUT OF TIME.

IT SOUNDS A BIT BIZARRE, BUT WE'VE WUN OUT OF TIME. I'D WIKE TO THANK

WE'VE WUN OUT OF TIME. I'D WIKE TO THANK WICHARD BURTON.

I'D WIKE TO THANK WICHARD BURTON. AND THANK YOU, BAA-BAA.

WICHARD BURTON. AND THANK YOU, BAA-BAA. THIS IS BABA WAWA SAYING GOOD

AND THANK YOU, BAA-BAA. THIS IS BABA WAWA SAYING GOOD NIGHT.

THIS IS BABA WAWA SAYING GOOD NIGHT. BYE-BYE, BABA.

THIS WEEK'S FILM WAS MADE BY SHARON SACKS, AND THIS BEING JUNE, THE FILM IS CALLED

SHARON SACKS, AND THIS BEING JUNE, THE FILM IS CALLED "BRIDES."

♪ YOU MADE ME LOVE YOU ♪ ♪ I DIDN'T WANT TO DO IT ♪ ♪ I DIDN'T WANT TO DO IT ♪

♪ I DIDN'T WANT TO DO IT ♪ ♪ I DIDN'T WANT TO DO IT ♪ ♪ YOU MADE ME LOVE YOU ♪

♪ I DIDN'T WANT TO DO IT ♪ ♪ YOU MADE ME LOVE YOU ♪ SINCE THE DAWN OF

♪ YOU MADE ME LOVE YOU ♪ SINCE THE DAWN OF CIVILIZATION, SOCIETY HAS

SINCE THE DAWN OF CIVILIZATION, SOCIETY HAS CELEBRATED MARRIAGE WITH

CIVILIZATION, SOCIETY HAS CELEBRATED MARRIAGE WITH ELABORATE CEREMONIES AND THE

CELEBRATED MARRIAGE WITH ELABORATE CEREMONIES AND THE ORDERING OF NEW FLATWARE.

ELABORATE CEREMONIES AND THE ORDERING OF NEW FLATWARE. FROM EUROPE TO THE HEBRIDES,

ORDERING OF NEW FLATWARE. FROM EUROPE TO THE HEBRIDES, BRIDES BEDECK THEMSELVES IN

FROM EUROPE TO THE HEBRIDES, BRIDES BEDECK THEMSELVES IN SHINING WHITE DRESSES TO

BRIDES BEDECK THEMSELVES IN SHINING WHITE DRESSES TO SYMBOLIZE THE TRADITIONAL FRENCH

SHINING WHITE DRESSES TO SYMBOLIZE THE TRADITIONAL FRENCH PASTRY.

SYMBOLIZE THE TRADITIONAL FRENCH PASTRY. PSYCHOLOGISTS HAVE LONG ASKED

PASTRY. PSYCHOLOGISTS HAVE LONG ASKED THEMSELVES, "WHY DO MEN FEAR

PSYCHOLOGISTS HAVE LONG ASKED THEMSELVES, "WHY DO MEN FEAR BRIDES?"

THEMSELVES, "WHY DO MEN FEAR BRIDES?" THE ANSWER IS SIMPLE.

BRIDES?" THE ANSWER IS SIMPLE. THE IMPOSING WHITE FIGURE OF A

THE ANSWER IS SIMPLE. THE IMPOSING WHITE FIGURE OF A BRIDE MAY REMIND A YOUNG MALE OF

THE IMPOSING WHITE FIGURE OF A BRIDE MAY REMIND A YOUNG MALE OF DINNERWARE.

BRIDE MAY REMIND A YOUNG MALE OF DINNERWARE. AND ALL MEN ARE UNNATURALLY

DINNERWARE. AND ALL MEN ARE UNNATURALLY AFRAID OF DINNERWARE.

AND ALL MEN ARE UNNATURALLY AFRAID OF DINNERWARE. IN FACT, WAVE THIS WEDGWOOD

AFRAID OF DINNERWARE. IN FACT, WAVE THIS WEDGWOOD GRAVY BOAT IN THEIR FACE AND MEN

IN FACT, WAVE THIS WEDGWOOD GRAVY BOAT IN THEIR FACE AND MEN WILL SCREAM.

GRAVY BOAT IN THEIR FACE AND MEN WILL SCREAM. AAHHH!

WILL SCREAM. AAHHH! IT'S A SCIENTIFIC FACT.

AAHHH! IT'S A SCIENTIFIC FACT. HERE WE SEE A REPRESENTATION OF

IT'S A SCIENTIFIC FACT. HERE WE SEE A REPRESENTATION OF THE WORLD FAMOUS "BRUSHING

HERE WE SEE A REPRESENTATION OF THE WORLD FAMOUS "BRUSHING BRIDE."

THE WORLD FAMOUS "BRUSHING BRIDE." VARIATIONS ON THIS THEME INCLUDE

BRIDE." VARIATIONS ON THIS THEME INCLUDE THE "BUZZING BRIDE"...

VARIATIONS ON THIS THEME INCLUDE THE "BUZZING BRIDE"... THE "HUMMING BRIDE"...

THE "BUZZING BRIDE"... THE "HUMMING BRIDE"... AND THE "FALLING BRIDE."

THE "HUMMING BRIDE"... AND THE "FALLING BRIDE." THUS THE PHRASE, "BRIDAL THUD"

AND THE "FALLING BRIDE." THUS THE PHRASE, "BRIDAL THUD" OR "CLUNK."

THUS THE PHRASE, "BRIDAL THUD" OR "CLUNK." HERE, IN SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA, IN

OR "CLUNK." HERE, IN SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA, IN A SPECIAL CEREMONY IN THE

HERE, IN SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA, IN A SPECIAL CEREMONY IN THE BRIDE'S HOME, THE MAIDS OF HONOR

A SPECIAL CEREMONY IN THE BRIDE'S HOME, THE MAIDS OF HONOR DO A SPECIAL DANCE TO HONOR THE

BRIDE'S HOME, THE MAIDS OF HONOR DO A SPECIAL DANCE TO HONOR THE WEDDING OF THIS YOUNG BRIDE TO A

DO A SPECIAL DANCE TO HONOR THE WEDDING OF THIS YOUNG BRIDE TO A GIANT CHICKEN.

WEDDING OF THIS YOUNG BRIDE TO A GIANT CHICKEN. THE CHICKEN IMPATIENTLY WAITS

GIANT CHICKEN. THE CHICKEN IMPATIENTLY WAITS OUTSIDE.

THE CHICKEN IMPATIENTLY WAITS OUTSIDE. WHILE INSIDE, THE BRIDE'S

OUTSIDE. WHILE INSIDE, THE BRIDE'S PARENTS, ANXIOUS TO APPEAR "WITH

WHILE INSIDE, THE BRIDE'S PARENTS, ANXIOUS TO APPEAR "WITH IT," LOOK ON BENEVOLENTLY.

PARENTS, ANXIOUS TO APPEAR "WITH IT," LOOK ON BENEVOLENTLY. MEANWHILE, ACROSS TOWN, ANOTHER

IT," LOOK ON BENEVOLENTLY. MEANWHILE, ACROSS TOWN, ANOTHER YOUNG BRIDE IS HEARTBROKEN TODAY

MEANWHILE, ACROSS TOWN, ANOTHER YOUNG BRIDE IS HEARTBROKEN TODAY BECAUSE THE CHICKEN TO WHOM SHE

YOUNG BRIDE IS HEARTBROKEN TODAY BECAUSE THE CHICKEN TO WHOM SHE WAS TO BE MARRIED INEXPLICABLY

BECAUSE THE CHICKEN TO WHOM SHE WAS TO BE MARRIED INEXPLICABLY SUCCUMBED TO EXPOSURE PRIOR TO

WAS TO BE MARRIED INEXPLICABLY SUCCUMBED TO EXPOSURE PRIOR TO THE CEREMONY.

SUCCUMBED TO EXPOSURE PRIOR TO THE CEREMONY. HE SAYS, "WELL, IT'S MY PET

THE CEREMONY. HE SAYS, "WELL, IT'S MY PET PENGUIN."

HE SAYS, "WELL, IT'S MY PET PENGUIN." HE SAYS, "I DON'T CARE!"

PENGUIN." HE SAYS, "I DON'T CARE!" HE SAYS, "YOU TAKE HIM TO THE

HE SAYS, "I DON'T CARE!" HE SAYS, "YOU TAKE HIM TO THE ZOO."

HE SAYS, "YOU TAKE HIM TO THE ZOO." GUY TAKES OFF.

ZOO." GUY TAKES OFF. THE NEXT DAY, SAME TIME...

GUY TAKES OFF. THE NEXT DAY, SAME TIME... MANY FAMILIES NOW PREFER TO

THE NEXT DAY, SAME TIME... MANY FAMILIES NOW PREFER TO FOREGO THE VOWS THEMSELVES FOR

MANY FAMILIES NOW PREFER TO FOREGO THE VOWS THEMSELVES FOR THE TELLING OF THE WEDDING JOKE.

FOREGO THE VOWS THEMSELVES FOR THE TELLING OF THE WEDDING JOKE. SO THE COP COMES UP TO HIM

THE TELLING OF THE WEDDING JOKE. SO THE COP COMES UP TO HIM AGAIN AND SAYS, "DIDN'T I TELL

SO THE COP COMES UP TO HIM AGAIN AND SAYS, "DIDN'T I TELL YOU YESTERDAY TO TAKE THAT

AGAIN AND SAYS, "DIDN'T I TELL YOU YESTERDAY TO TAKE THAT PENGUIN TO THE ZOO?"

YOU YESTERDAY TO TAKE THAT PENGUIN TO THE ZOO?" HE SAID, "I DID.

PENGUIN TO THE ZOO?" HE SAID, "I DID. TODAY I'M TAKING HIM TO THE

HE SAID, "I DID. TODAY I'M TAKING HIM TO THE MOVIES."

TODAY I'M TAKING HIM TO THE MOVIES." YOU MAY KISS THE BRIDE.

MOVIES." YOU MAY KISS THE BRIDE. IT IS A LITTLE-KNOWN FACT

YOU MAY KISS THE BRIDE. IT IS A LITTLE-KNOWN FACT THAT UNTIL JUST 20 YEARS AGO

IT IS A LITTLE-KNOWN FACT THAT UNTIL JUST 20 YEARS AGO ONLY BLONDES WERE PERMITTED BY

THAT UNTIL JUST 20 YEARS AGO ONLY BLONDES WERE PERMITTED BY LAW TO BECOME BRIDES.

ONLY BLONDES WERE PERMITTED BY LAW TO BECOME BRIDES. ANONYMOUS WEDDINGS ARE

LAW TO BECOME BRIDES. ANONYMOUS WEDDINGS ARE INCREASINGLY POPULAR.

ANONYMOUS WEDDINGS ARE INCREASINGLY POPULAR. THIS YOUNG BRIDE, FOR EXAMPLE,

INCREASINGLY POPULAR. THIS YOUNG BRIDE, FOR EXAMPLE, OWES MONEY TO A WELL-KNOWN AND

THIS YOUNG BRIDE, FOR EXAMPLE, OWES MONEY TO A WELL-KNOWN AND POWERFUL DEPARTMENT STORE.

OWES MONEY TO A WELL-KNOWN AND POWERFUL DEPARTMENT STORE. OTHER NOVELTIES ARE FINDING A

POWERFUL DEPARTMENT STORE. OTHER NOVELTIES ARE FINDING A PLACE IN THE WEDDING RITUAL.

OTHER NOVELTIES ARE FINDING A PLACE IN THE WEDDING RITUAL. A PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES

PLACE IN THE WEDDING RITUAL. A PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES APPEARED AT THE WEDDING OF HIS

A PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES APPEARED AT THE WEDDING OF HIS DAUGHTER TRICIA SEVERAL YEARS

APPEARED AT THE WEDDING OF HIS DAUGHTER TRICIA SEVERAL YEARS AGO SPORTING FANGS, THEREBY

DAUGHTER TRICIA SEVERAL YEARS AGO SPORTING FANGS, THEREBY USHERING IN A NEW POPULARITY FOR

AGO SPORTING FANGS, THEREBY USHERING IN A NEW POPULARITY FOR VAMPIRE WEDDINGS.

USHERING IN A NEW POPULARITY FOR VAMPIRE WEDDINGS. HERE WE ARE AT MARJORIE'S HOME

VAMPIRE WEDDINGS. HERE WE ARE AT MARJORIE'S HOME THE MORNING AFTER THE WEDDING,

HERE WE ARE AT MARJORIE'S HOME THE MORNING AFTER THE WEDDING, WHERE THE HAPPY PARENTS SURROUND

THE MORNING AFTER THE WEDDING, WHERE THE HAPPY PARENTS SURROUND HER DOOR.

WHERE THE HAPPY PARENTS SURROUND HER DOOR. WHILE INSIDE THE BEDROOM...

HER DOOR. WHILE INSIDE THE BEDROOM... GOODBYE, MOTHER.

WHILE INSIDE THE BEDROOM... GOODBYE, MOTHER. YOU FINALLY MADE A LADY OUT OF

GOODBYE, MOTHER. YOU FINALLY MADE A LADY OUT OF ME.

YOU FINALLY MADE A LADY OUT OF ME. ♪ YOU KNOW

ME. ♪ YOU KNOW YOU MADE ME LOVE YOU... ♪

[PIANO PLAYS INTRODUCTION] Announcer: AND NOW IT'S TIME FOR "BAD BALLET," WITH YOUR

Announcer: AND NOW IT'S TIME FOR "BAD BALLET," WITH YOUR HOST, LEONARD PINTH-GARNELL.

FOR "BAD BALLET," WITH YOUR HOST, LEONARD PINTH-GARNELL. HELLO.

HOST, LEONARD PINTH-GARNELL. HELLO. I'M LEONARD PINTH-GARNELL AND

HELLO. I'M LEONARD PINTH-GARNELL AND WANT TO WELCOME ONCE AGAIN TO

I'M LEONARD PINTH-GARNELL AND WANT TO WELCOME ONCE AGAIN TO "BAD BALLET."

WANT TO WELCOME ONCE AGAIN TO "BAD BALLET." TONIGHT WE FEATURE A VERY BAD

"BAD BALLET." TONIGHT WE FEATURE A VERY BAD WORK BY IVAN VODBODIMNIKOFF,

TONIGHT WE FEATURE A VERY BAD WORK BY IVAN VODBODIMNIKOFF, ONE OF THE WORST FROM THE NEW

WORK BY IVAN VODBODIMNIKOFF, ONE OF THE WORST FROM THE NEW EXPERIMENTAL SOVIET SCHOOLS OF

ONE OF THE WORST FROM THE NEW EXPERIMENTAL SOVIET SCHOOLS OF METHOD BALLET.

EXPERIMENTAL SOVIET SCHOOLS OF METHOD BALLET. THE LIBRETTO WAS WRITTEN BY

METHOD BALLET. THE LIBRETTO WAS WRITTEN BY ALEXEI STRACHEN... TERRIBLE

THE LIBRETTO WAS WRITTEN BY ALEXEI STRACHEN... TERRIBLE LIBRETTIST.

ALEXEI STRACHEN... TERRIBLE LIBRETTIST. ALTHOUGH THEY CREATED THE BALLET

LIBRETTIST. ALTHOUGH THEY CREATED THE BALLET TOGETHER, BOTH MEN NEVER

ALTHOUGH THEY CREATED THE BALLET TOGETHER, BOTH MEN NEVER ACTUALLY MET.

TOGETHER, BOTH MEN NEVER ACTUALLY MET. THEY COLLABORATED BY MAIL AND

ACTUALLY MET. THEY COLLABORATED BY MAIL AND THE ODD PHONE CALL.

THEY COLLABORATED BY MAIL AND THE ODD PHONE CALL. THE BALLET IS CALLED, APTLY

THE ODD PHONE CALL. THE BALLET IS CALLED, APTLY ENOUGH, "SWAN."

THE BALLET IS CALLED, APTLY ENOUGH, "SWAN." THAT'S RIGHT... "SWAN."

ENOUGH, "SWAN." THAT'S RIGHT... "SWAN." NOT TO BE CONFUSED WITH "SWAN

THAT'S RIGHT... "SWAN." NOT TO BE CONFUSED WITH "SWAN LAKE," BUT SIMPLY "SWAN."

NOT TO BE CONFUSED WITH "SWAN LAKE," BUT SIMPLY "SWAN." THE ACTION OF THE BALLET

LAKE," BUT SIMPLY "SWAN." THE ACTION OF THE BALLET CONCERNS GREGOR, THE EVIL

THE ACTION OF THE BALLET CONCERNS GREGOR, THE EVIL SWAN-KEEPER, HIS THREE LOVELY

CONCERNS GREGOR, THE EVIL SWAN-KEEPER, HIS THREE LOVELY WHITE SWANS AND AN ERRANT BLACK

SWAN-KEEPER, HIS THREE LOVELY WHITE SWANS AND AN ERRANT BLACK SWAN, AND VANYA, THE YOUNG

WHITE SWANS AND AN ERRANT BLACK SWAN, AND VANYA, THE YOUNG PURE-HEARTED STATE POULTRY

SWAN, AND VANYA, THE YOUNG PURE-HEARTED STATE POULTRY INSPECTOR.

PURE-HEARTED STATE POULTRY INSPECTOR. THE MAIN THRUST OF THE BALLET

INSPECTOR. THE MAIN THRUST OF THE BALLET CONCERNS GREGOR'S MISTREATMENT

THE MAIN THRUST OF THE BALLET CONCERNS GREGOR'S MISTREATMENT OF HIS LOVELY SWANS AND THEIR

CONCERNS GREGOR'S MISTREATMENT OF HIS LOVELY SWANS AND THEIR SUBSEQUENT LIBERATION BY VANYA,

OF HIS LOVELY SWANS AND THEIR SUBSEQUENT LIBERATION BY VANYA, THE YOUNG STATE POULTRY

SUBSEQUENT LIBERATION BY VANYA, THE YOUNG STATE POULTRY INSPECTOR.

THE YOUNG STATE POULTRY INSPECTOR. BEFORE WE BEGIN, I MUST MENTION

INSPECTOR. BEFORE WE BEGIN, I MUST MENTION THAT I MYSELF,

BEFORE WE BEGIN, I MUST MENTION THAT I MYSELF, LEONARD PINTH-GARNELL, WILL BE

THAT I MYSELF, LEONARD PINTH-GARNELL, WILL BE JOINING OUR BAD BALLET TROUPE

LEONARD PINTH-GARNELL, WILL BE JOINING OUR BAD BALLET TROUPE TONIGHT AS A DANCER BECAUSE I

JOINING OUR BAD BALLET TROUPE TONIGHT AS A DANCER BECAUSE I MYSELF AM A VERY BAD DANCER.

TONIGHT AS A DANCER BECAUSE I MYSELF AM A VERY BAD DANCER. NOW PLEASE IMAGINE, IF YOU

MYSELF AM A VERY BAD DANCER. NOW PLEASE IMAGINE, IF YOU WOULD, A PRIVATE SWAN COMPOUND

NOW PLEASE IMAGINE, IF YOU WOULD, A PRIVATE SWAN COMPOUND SOMEWHERE IN THE URAL MOUNTAINS.

WOULD, A PRIVATE SWAN COMPOUND SOMEWHERE IN THE URAL MOUNTAINS. IT IS DAYBREAK AS THE BALLET

SOMEWHERE IN THE URAL MOUNTAINS. IT IS DAYBREAK AS THE BALLET BEGINS.

IT IS DAYBREAK AS THE BALLET BEGINS. [CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYS]

[TEMPO QUICKENS]

[ELECTRICITY CRACKLES] [CRACKLING CONTINUES]

[CRACKLING CONTINUES]

[APPLAUSE]

THERE, NOW. THAT WASN'T VERY GOOD AT ALL, WAS IT?

THAT WASN'T VERY GOOD AT ALL, WAS IT? I'D NOW LIKE TO INTRODUCE THE

WAS IT? I'D NOW LIKE TO INTRODUCE THE MEMBERS OF OUR BAD BALLET

I'D NOW LIKE TO INTRODUCE THE MEMBERS OF OUR BAD BALLET TROUPE.

MEMBERS OF OUR BAD BALLET TROUPE. THE FOUR SWANS WERE

TROUPE. THE FOUR SWANS WERE CLAIRE TRAMMELL, EILEEN PIVNICK,

THE FOUR SWANS WERE CLAIRE TRAMMELL, EILEEN PIVNICK, MAVIS SHIRE, AND BUDDY DONGULLY.

CLAIRE TRAMMELL, EILEEN PIVNICK, MAVIS SHIRE, AND BUDDY DONGULLY. [APPLAUSE]

MAVIS SHIRE, AND BUDDY DONGULLY. [APPLAUSE] THE EVIL SWAN-KEEPER WAS DANCED

[APPLAUSE] THE EVIL SWAN-KEEPER WAS DANCED BY SCOTT BERG.

THE EVIL SWAN-KEEPER WAS DANCED BY SCOTT BERG. THANK YOU, SCOTT.

BY SCOTT BERG. THANK YOU, SCOTT. THE YOUNG SOLDIER, PETE HOVIS.

THANK YOU, SCOTT. THE YOUNG SOLDIER, PETE HOVIS. AND THE STATE POULTRY INSPECTOR

THE YOUNG SOLDIER, PETE HOVIS. AND THE STATE POULTRY INSPECTOR WAS DANCED BY MYSELF,

AND THE STATE POULTRY INSPECTOR WAS DANCED BY MYSELF, LEONARD PINTH-GARNELL.

WAS DANCED BY MYSELF, LEONARD PINTH-GARNELL. AND I MIGHT SAY I DANCED VERY

LEONARD PINTH-GARNELL. AND I MIGHT SAY I DANCED VERY BADLY.

AND I MIGHT SAY I DANCED VERY BADLY. TERRIBLE, TERRIBLE.

BADLY. TERRIBLE, TERRIBLE. THANK YOU SO MUCH.

TERRIBLE, TERRIBLE. THANK YOU SO MUCH. THANK YOU.

THANK YOU SO MUCH. THANK YOU. YES, I KNOW.

THANK YOU. YES, I KNOW. IT REALLY BIT IT.

YES, I KNOW. IT REALLY BIT IT. JOIN US NEXT WEEK WHEN WE

IT REALLY BIT IT. JOIN US NEXT WEEK WHEN WE PRESENT THE CLASSICALLY BAD

JOIN US NEXT WEEK WHEN WE PRESENT THE CLASSICALLY BAD HAWAIIAN BALLET ENTITLED "SWAN

PRESENT THE CLASSICALLY BAD HAWAIIAN BALLET ENTITLED "SWAN LEI."

HAWAIIAN BALLET ENTITLED "SWAN LEI." UNTIL THEN, GOOD NIGHT.

LEI." UNTIL THEN, GOOD NIGHT. THANK YOU.

UNTIL THEN, GOOD NIGHT. THANK YOU. [PIANO THEME PLAYS]

LED ZEPPELIN, LED ZEPPELIN, LED ZEPPELIN, LED ZEPPELIN! MAN, I SAY WE GIVE UP ON THIS

LED ZEPPELIN, LED ZEPPELIN! MAN, I SAY WE GIVE UP ON THIS MOONIE.

MAN, I SAY WE GIVE UP ON THIS MOONIE. SHE'S NOT GONNA CRACK.

MOONIE. SHE'S NOT GONNA CRACK. YES, SHE WILL.

SHE'S NOT GONNA CRACK. YES, SHE WILL. LOOK.

YES, SHE WILL. LOOK. I HAVE DEPROGRAMMED TOUGHER KIDS

LOOK. I HAVE DEPROGRAMMED TOUGHER KIDS THAN THIS ONE.

I HAVE DEPROGRAMMED TOUGHER KIDS THAN THIS ONE. NOW LOOK.

THAN THIS ONE. NOW LOOK. COME ON.

NOW LOOK. COME ON. IT'S BEEN FIVE DAYS.

COME ON. IT'S BEEN FIVE DAYS. LOOK.

IT'S BEEN FIVE DAYS. LOOK. DON'T YOU WANT ALL OF THIS TO

LOOK. DON'T YOU WANT ALL OF THIS TO END, HUH?

DON'T YOU WANT ALL OF THIS TO END, HUH? JUST RENOUNCE THAT

END, HUH? JUST RENOUNCE THAT SUN MYUNG MOON CHARACTER, AND

JUST RENOUNCE THAT SUN MYUNG MOON CHARACTER, AND YOU COULD GO BACK HOME TO YOUR

SUN MYUNG MOON CHARACTER, AND YOU COULD GO BACK HOME TO YOUR PARENTS.

YOU COULD GO BACK HOME TO YOUR PARENTS. THE UNIFICATION CHURCH IS MY

PARENTS. THE UNIFICATION CHURCH IS MY FAMILY.

THE UNIFICATION CHURCH IS MY FAMILY. I DON'T LIKE MY PARENTS.

FAMILY. I DON'T LIKE MY PARENTS. HOW ABOUT YOUR DOG?

I DON'T LIKE MY PARENTS. HOW ABOUT YOUR DOG? DON'T YOU WANT TO GO SEE YOUR

HOW ABOUT YOUR DOG? DON'T YOU WANT TO GO SEE YOUR DOG?

DON'T YOU WANT TO GO SEE YOUR DOG? I DON'T HAVE A DOG.

DOG? I DON'T HAVE A DOG. DO YOU HAVE A CAT?

I DON'T HAVE A DOG. DO YOU HAVE A CAT? I DON'T HAVE A CAT.

DO YOU HAVE A CAT? I DON'T HAVE A CAT. WELL, WE'LL BUY YOU A CAT...

I DON'T HAVE A CAT. WELL, WE'LL BUY YOU A CAT... A LITTLE KITTEN.

WELL, WE'LL BUY YOU A CAT... A LITTLE KITTEN. YOU CAN CALL IT BOOTS OR

A LITTLE KITTEN. YOU CAN CALL IT BOOTS OR WHISKERS OR MUFFIN OR ANYTHING

YOU CAN CALL IT BOOTS OR WHISKERS OR MUFFIN OR ANYTHING YOU LIKE!

WHISKERS OR MUFFIN OR ANYTHING YOU LIKE! SHH!

YOU LIKE! SHH! I DON'T LIKE ANIMALS.

SHH! I DON'T LIKE ANIMALS. LOOK.

I DON'T LIKE ANIMALS. LOOK. YOU COULD CATCH UP ON TV.

LOOK. YOU COULD CATCH UP ON TV. NOW I BET YOU HAVEN'T SEEN THE

YOU COULD CATCH UP ON TV. NOW I BET YOU HAVEN'T SEEN THE NEW FALL SHOWS.

NOW I BET YOU HAVEN'T SEEN THE NEW FALL SHOWS. RHODA GOT DIVORCED, YOU KNOW?

NEW FALL SHOWS. RHODA GOT DIVORCED, YOU KNOW? EVERYTHING'S CHANGED.

RHODA GOT DIVORCED, YOU KNOW? EVERYTHING'S CHANGED. OF COURSE, YOU MISSED MARY'S

EVERYTHING'S CHANGED. OF COURSE, YOU MISSED MARY'S LAST SHOW, BUT I'M SURE THEY'LL

OF COURSE, YOU MISSED MARY'S LAST SHOW, BUT I'M SURE THEY'LL PROBABLY RERUN IT.

LAST SHOW, BUT I'M SURE THEY'LL PROBABLY RERUN IT. TELEVISION IS THE DEVIL'S

PROBABLY RERUN IT. TELEVISION IS THE DEVIL'S PAINTBRUSH.

TELEVISION IS THE DEVIL'S PAINTBRUSH. I DON'T LIKE TELEVISION.

PAINTBRUSH. I DON'T LIKE TELEVISION. I'M GONNA PUT ON THAT MAMAS

I DON'T LIKE TELEVISION. I'M GONNA PUT ON THAT MAMAS AND PAPAS ALBUM ONE MORE TIME

I'M GONNA PUT ON THAT MAMAS AND PAPAS ALBUM ONE MORE TIME AND SEE WHAT HAPPENS.

AND PAPAS ALBUM ONE MORE TIME AND SEE WHAT HAPPENS. [KNOCK ON DOOR]

AND SEE WHAT HAPPENS. [KNOCK ON DOOR] THERE'S THE KID FROM BURGER

[KNOCK ON DOOR] THERE'S THE KID FROM BURGER KING.

THERE'S THE KID FROM BURGER KING. I DON'T LIKE BURGERS.

KING. I DON'T LIKE BURGERS. BURGERS ARE THE DEVIL'S SCOURING

I DON'T LIKE BURGERS. BURGERS ARE THE DEVIL'S SCOURING PADS.

BURGERS ARE THE DEVIL'S SCOURING PADS. WELL, DON'T WORRY.

PADS. WELL, DON'T WORRY. WE GOT YOU A WHALER WITH CHEESE.

WELL, DON'T WORRY. WE GOT YOU A WHALER WITH CHEESE. OH, NO!

GOOD EVENING. I AM THE REVEREND SUN MYUNG MOON, LEADER OF THE

I AM THE REVEREND SUN MYUNG MOON, LEADER OF THE MOONIES.

SUN MYUNG MOON, LEADER OF THE MOONIES. [SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYS]

WE HAVE COME FOR THE GIRL. THIS KID'S GOING BACK TO HER FAMILY.

THIS KID'S GOING BACK TO HER FAMILY. WHY DO YOU RESIST US?

FAMILY. WHY DO YOU RESIST US? IT IS SO MUCH MORE PRESENT TO

WHY DO YOU RESIST US? IT IS SO MUCH MORE PRESENT TO SURRENDER AND BECOME ONE OF US.

IT IS SO MUCH MORE PRESENT TO SURRENDER AND BECOME ONE OF US. SUBMIT TO THE INEVITABLE.

SURRENDER AND BECOME ONE OF US. SUBMIT TO THE INEVITABLE. FREE YOURSELF OF HUMAN EMOTION.

SUBMIT TO THE INEVITABLE. FREE YOURSELF OF HUMAN EMOTION. WHY NOT COME TO OUR BICENTENNIAL

FREE YOURSELF OF HUMAN EMOTION. WHY NOT COME TO OUR BICENTENNIAL RALLY?

WHY NOT COME TO OUR BICENTENNIAL RALLY? YOU'RE CRAZY!

RALLY? YOU'RE CRAZY! YOU THINK I'M GONNA JOIN YOUR

YOU'RE CRAZY! YOU THINK I'M GONNA JOIN YOUR GANG OF ZOMBIES!

YOU THINK I'M GONNA JOIN YOUR GANG OF ZOMBIES! YOU MUST BE NUTS!

GANG OF ZOMBIES! YOU MUST BE NUTS! NO?

YOU MUST BE NUTS! NO? PERHAPS YOUR WIFE MAY BE ABLE TO

NO? PERHAPS YOUR WIFE MAY BE ABLE TO CHANGE YOUR MIND, ROUND EYES.

PERHAPS YOUR WIFE MAY BE ABLE TO CHANGE YOUR MIND, ROUND EYES. IT IS MY WIFE!

CHANGE YOUR MIND, ROUND EYES. IT IS MY WIFE! HONEY!

IT IS MY WIFE! HONEY! SHE'S NOT YOUR WIFE ANYMORE,

HONEY! SHE'S NOT YOUR WIFE ANYMORE, MAN.

SHE'S NOT YOUR WIFE ANYMORE, MAN. SHE'S A MOONIE.

MAN. SHE'S A MOONIE. WHY STRUGGLE, DEAR?

SHE'S A MOONIE. WHY STRUGGLE, DEAR? GIVE IN.

WHY STRUGGLE, DEAR? GIVE IN. I'VE SOLD THE HOUSE AND CAR AND

GIVE IN. I'VE SOLD THE HOUSE AND CAR AND ALL YOUR POSSESSIONS AND GIVEN

I'VE SOLD THE HOUSE AND CAR AND ALL YOUR POSSESSIONS AND GIVEN THE MONEY TO REVEREND MOON.

ALL YOUR POSSESSIONS AND GIVEN THE MONEY TO REVEREND MOON. NO! NO!

THE MONEY TO REVEREND MOON. NO! NO! YOUR SHIRTS, YOUR SLACKS,

NO! NO! YOUR SHIRTS, YOUR SLACKS, YOUR TIES, YOUR POWER TOOLS.

YOUR SHIRTS, YOUR SLACKS, YOUR TIES, YOUR POWER TOOLS. MY POWER TOOLS!

YOUR TIES, YOUR POWER TOOLS. MY POWER TOOLS! YOUR MONOGRAMMED GOLF CLUBS,

MY POWER TOOLS! YOUR MONOGRAMMED GOLF CLUBS, YOUR RCA HOME-ENTERTAINMENT

YOUR MONOGRAMMED GOLF CLUBS, YOUR RCA HOME-ENTERTAINMENT CENTER, YOUR ELECTRIC WOK.

YOUR RCA HOME-ENTERTAINMENT CENTER, YOUR ELECTRIC WOK. HOW COULD YOU DO IT, HONEY?

CENTER, YOUR ELECTRIC WOK. HOW COULD YOU DO IT, HONEY? WE WILL KEEP THE ELECTRIC

HOW COULD YOU DO IT, HONEY? WE WILL KEEP THE ELECTRIC WOK.

WE WILL KEEP THE ELECTRIC WOK. DON'T... DON'T LISTEN TO HER!

WOK. DON'T... DON'T LISTEN TO HER! GET OUT OF HERE!

DON'T... DON'T LISTEN TO HER! GET OUT OF HERE! GET OUT OF HERE!

GET OUT OF HERE! GET OUT OF HERE! WE CAN'T SAVE HER NOW.

GET OUT OF HERE! WE CAN'T SAVE HER NOW. SHE'S ONE OF THEM.

WE CAN'T SAVE HER NOW. SHE'S ONE OF THEM. GET OUT! GET OUT.

SHE'S ONE OF THEM. GET OUT! GET OUT. NOW COME ON.

GET OUT! GET OUT. NOW COME ON. YOU'VE GOT TO HELP ME.

NOW COME ON. YOU'VE GOT TO HELP ME. THEY'RE GONNA PROBABLY TRY TO

YOU'VE GOT TO HELP ME. THEY'RE GONNA PROBABLY TRY TO GET IN NOW.

THEY'RE GONNA PROBABLY TRY TO GET IN NOW. YEAH, RIGHT!

GET IN NOW. YEAH, RIGHT! HELP ME BLOCK THIS DOOR.

YEAH, RIGHT! HELP ME BLOCK THIS DOOR. NOW GET OVER THERE TO THE

HELP ME BLOCK THIS DOOR. NOW GET OVER THERE TO THE WINDOW.

NOW GET OVER THERE TO THE WINDOW. EXCUSE ME.

WINDOW. EXCUSE ME. WOULD YOU LIKE TO TALK ABOUT THE

EXCUSE ME. WOULD YOU LIKE TO TALK ABOUT THE UNIFICATION CHURCH?

WOULD YOU LIKE TO TALK ABOUT THE UNIFICATION CHURCH? GET AWAY!

UNIFICATION CHURCH? GET AWAY! GET OUT OF HERE!

GET AWAY! GET OUT OF HERE! WOULD YOU LIKE TO BUY A

GET OUT OF HERE! WOULD YOU LIKE TO BUY A FLOWER?

WOULD YOU LIKE TO BUY A FLOWER? NO!

FLOWER? NO! I'M NOT INTERESTED!

NO! I'M NOT INTERESTED! OKAY, THANK YOU.

I'M NOT INTERESTED! OKAY, THANK YOU. HAVE A NICE DAY.

OKAY, THANK YOU. HAVE A NICE DAY. HELLO.

HAVE A NICE DAY. HELLO. THEY'RE ALL OVER THE PLACE.

HELLO. THEY'RE ALL OVER THE PLACE. I KNOW, MAN.

THEY'RE ALL OVER THE PLACE. I KNOW, MAN. WOULD YOU LIKE TO MAKE A

I KNOW, MAN. WOULD YOU LIKE TO MAKE A DONATION?

WOULD YOU LIKE TO MAKE A DONATION? I DON'T KNOW HOW LONG...

DONATION? I DON'T KNOW HOW LONG... GO AWAY.

I DON'T KNOW HOW LONG... GO AWAY. I DON'T KNOW HOW LONG WE CAN

GO AWAY. I DON'T KNOW HOW LONG WE CAN HOLD OUT.

I DON'T KNOW HOW LONG WE CAN HOLD OUT. I DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW MANY THERE

HOLD OUT. I DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW MANY THERE ARE.

I DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW MANY THERE ARE. THEY COULD HAVE HUNDREDS OF

ARE. THEY COULD HAVE HUNDREDS OF BROCHURES, MAN.

THEY COULD HAVE HUNDREDS OF BROCHURES, MAN. THEY MIGHT EVEN HAVE A SOUND

BROCHURES, MAN. THEY MIGHT EVEN HAVE A SOUND TRUCK.

THEY MIGHT EVEN HAVE A SOUND TRUCK. HEY, WHAT'S THAT YOU'RE LOOKING

TRUCK. HEY, WHAT'S THAT YOU'RE LOOKING AT?

HEY, WHAT'S THAT YOU'RE LOOKING AT? THIS MOONIE STUFF...

AT? THIS MOONIE STUFF... HEY, MAN!

THIS MOONIE STUFF... HEY, MAN! LISTEN TO ME, MAN.

HEY, MAN! LISTEN TO ME, MAN. DO YOU WANT TO WIND UP LIKE ONE

LISTEN TO ME, MAN. DO YOU WANT TO WIND UP LIKE ONE OF THOSE GOONS OUT THERE?!

DO YOU WANT TO WIND UP LIKE ONE OF THOSE GOONS OUT THERE?! NO, NO!

OF THOSE GOONS OUT THERE?! NO, NO! DO YOU WANT TO WIND UP LIKE

NO, NO! DO YOU WANT TO WIND UP LIKE ONE OF THOSE GOONS OUT THERE?!

DO YOU WANT TO WIND UP LIKE ONE OF THOSE GOONS OUT THERE?! NO! NO!

ONE OF THOSE GOONS OUT THERE?! NO! NO! STOP READING THAT STUFF.

NO! NO! STOP READING THAT STUFF. YOU UNDERSTAND?!

STOP READING THAT STUFF. YOU UNDERSTAND?! NO, NO!

YOU UNDERSTAND?! NO, NO! MANY OF OUR CUSTOMS WOULD

NO, NO! MANY OF OUR CUSTOMS WOULD SEEM JUST AS STRANGE TO HIM.

MANY OF OUR CUSTOMS WOULD SEEM JUST AS STRANGE TO HIM. WAXING PHILOSOPHICAL...

SEEM JUST AS STRANGE TO HIM. WAXING PHILOSOPHICAL... I AM ONE OF THEM NOW.

WAXING PHILOSOPHICAL... I AM ONE OF THEM NOW. IT IS REALLY VERY PLEASANT.

I AM ONE OF THEM NOW. IT IS REALLY VERY PLEASANT. HELLO. HOW ARE YOU?

IT IS REALLY VERY PLEASANT. HELLO. HOW ARE YOU? ARE YOU BUSY RIGHT NOW?

HELLO. HOW ARE YOU? ARE YOU BUSY RIGHT NOW? CAN I WALK WITH YOU JUST A

ARE YOU BUSY RIGHT NOW? CAN I WALK WITH YOU JUST A LITTLE BIT?

CAN I WALK WITH YOU JUST A LITTLE BIT? YOU'RE PROBABLY ON YOUR WAY TO

LITTLE BIT? YOU'RE PROBABLY ON YOUR WAY TO WORK.

YOU'RE PROBABLY ON YOUR WAY TO WORK. IT'S GENTLEMEN'S DAY TODAY.

WORK. IT'S GENTLEMEN'S DAY TODAY. IT'S GENTLEMEN'S DAY TODAY.

IT'S GENTLEMEN'S DAY TODAY. IT'S GENTLEMEN'S DAY TODAY. WHY DON'T... WHY DON'T YOU COME

IT'S GENTLEMEN'S DAY TODAY. WHY DON'T... WHY DON'T YOU COME WITH ME...

WHY DON'T... WHY DON'T YOU COME WITH ME... YOU CAN STAY IN HERE, MAN.

WITH ME... YOU CAN STAY IN HERE, MAN. I'M GETTING THE HELL OUT OF

YOU CAN STAY IN HERE, MAN. I'M GETTING THE HELL OUT OF HERE.

I'M GETTING THE HELL OUT OF HERE. IT'S GENTLEMEN'S DAY TODAY.

HERE. IT'S GENTLEMEN'S DAY TODAY. THE TIME HAS COME FOR YOU TO

IT'S GENTLEMEN'S DAY TODAY. THE TIME HAS COME FOR YOU TO JOIN US.

THE TIME HAS COME FOR YOU TO JOIN US. AAH!

JOIN US. AAH! AAH!

AAH! AAH! HI! HOW ARE YOU?

AAH! HI! HOW ARE YOU? CAN I INTEREST YOU IN SOME

HI! HOW ARE YOU? CAN I INTEREST YOU IN SOME LITERATURE?

CAN I INTEREST YOU IN SOME LITERATURE? IT'S GENTLEMEN'S DAY TODAY.

LITERATURE? IT'S GENTLEMEN'S DAY TODAY. WOULD YOU CARE TO MAKE A SMALL

IT'S GENTLEMEN'S DAY TODAY. WOULD YOU CARE TO MAKE A SMALL DONATION?

WOULD YOU CARE TO MAKE A SMALL DONATION? HELL, CHIEF, THERE'S A WHOLE

DONATION? HELL, CHIEF, THERE'S A WHOLE LOT OF THOSE MOONIES HERE.

HELL, CHIEF, THERE'S A WHOLE LOT OF THOSE MOONIES HERE. YEAH, OKAY.

LOT OF THOSE MOONIES HERE. YEAH, OKAY. FREEZE, FELLOW.

YEAH, OKAY. FREEZE, FELLOW. STRIKE.

FREEZE, FELLOW. STRIKE. STRIKE.

STRIKE. STRIKE. HAVE A NICE DAY.

STRIKE. HAVE A NICE DAY. HAVE A NICE DAY.

HAVE A NICE DAY. HAVE A NICE DAY. HAVE A NICE DAY.

HAVE A NICE DAY. HAVE A NICE DAY. HAVE A NICE DAY.

HAVE A NICE DAY. HAVE A NICE DAY. HAVE A NICE DAY.

HAVE A NICE DAY. HAVE A NICE DAY. AAH!

HAVE A NICE DAY. AAH! THANK GOD, MAN!

AAH! THANK GOD, MAN! THANK GOD YOU CAME HERE.

THANK GOD, MAN! THANK GOD YOU CAME HERE. GOD!

THANK GOD YOU CAME HERE. GOD! YEAH, CHIEF.

GOD! YEAH, CHIEF. OKAY, I'M GONNA HEAD DOWN.

YEAH, CHIEF. OKAY, I'M GONNA HEAD DOWN. I GOT ONE MORE MOONIE TO KILL.

OKAY, I'M GONNA HEAD DOWN. I GOT ONE MORE MOONIE TO KILL. OH, NO, MAN.

I GOT ONE MORE MOONIE TO KILL. OH, NO, MAN. I'M NOT A MOONIE.

OH, NO, MAN. I'M NOT A MOONIE. I-I'M NOT A MOONIE.

I'M NOT A MOONIE. I-I'M NOT A MOONIE. AAH! AAH!

I-I'M NOT A MOONIE. AAH! AAH! YEAH, THAT REALLY IS A

AAH! AAH! YEAH, THAT REALLY IS A TRAGEDY ABOUT SAN DIEGO.

YEAH, THAT REALLY IS A TRAGEDY ABOUT SAN DIEGO. THEY NEVER HAD PROPER

TRAGEDY ABOUT SAN DIEGO. THEY NEVER HAD PROPER LAW-ENFORCEMENT TECHNIQUES DOWN

THEY NEVER HAD PROPER LAW-ENFORCEMENT TECHNIQUES DOWN THERE ANYWAY.

LAW-ENFORCEMENT TECHNIQUES DOWN THERE ANYWAY. ALL RIGHT.

HELLO. HOW ARE YOU? HAVE YOU HEARD ABOUT THE

HOW ARE YOU? HAVE YOU HEARD ABOUT THE UNIFICATION CHURCH?

HAVE YOU HEARD ABOUT THE UNIFICATION CHURCH? DO YOU MIND IF WE JUST TALK FOR

UNIFICATION CHURCH? DO YOU MIND IF WE JUST TALK FOR A WHILE?

AND NOW ONCE AGAIN HERE'S JOAN ARMATRADING. [APPLAUSE]

♪ OH, THE FEELING WHEN YOU'RE REELING ♪ ♪ YOU STEP LIGHTLY THINKING

WHEN YOU'RE REELING ♪ ♪ YOU STEP LIGHTLY THINKING YOU'RE NUMBER ONE ♪

♪ YOU STEP LIGHTLY THINKING YOU'RE NUMBER ONE ♪ ♪ DOWN TO ZERO WITH A WORD

YOU'RE NUMBER ONE ♪ ♪ DOWN TO ZERO WITH A WORD LEAVING ♪

♪ DOWN TO ZERO WITH A WORD LEAVING ♪ ♪ FOR ANOTHER ONE ♪

LEAVING ♪ ♪ FOR ANOTHER ONE ♪ ♪ NOW YOU WALK WITH YOUR FEET

♪ FOR ANOTHER ONE ♪ ♪ NOW YOU WALK WITH YOUR FEET BACK ON THE GROUND ♪

♪ NOW YOU WALK WITH YOUR FEET BACK ON THE GROUND ♪ ♪ DOWN TO THE GROUND,

BACK ON THE GROUND ♪ ♪ DOWN TO THE GROUND, DOWN TO THE GROUND ♪

♪ DOWN TO THE GROUND, DOWN TO THE GROUND ♪ ♪ DOWN TO THE GROUND,

DOWN TO THE GROUND ♪ ♪ DOWN TO THE GROUND, DOWN TO THE GROUND ♪

♪ DOWN TO THE GROUND, DOWN TO THE GROUND ♪ ♪ BRAND-NEW DANDY,

DOWN TO THE GROUND ♪ ♪ BRAND-NEW DANDY, FIRST-CLASS SCENE STEALER ♪

♪ BRAND-NEW DANDY, FIRST-CLASS SCENE STEALER ♪ ♪ WALKS THROUGH THE CROWD

FIRST-CLASS SCENE STEALER ♪ ♪ WALKS THROUGH THE CROWD AND TAKES YOUR MAN ♪

♪ WALKS THROUGH THE CROWD AND TAKES YOUR MAN ♪ ♪ SENDS YOU RUSHING

AND TAKES YOUR MAN ♪ ♪ SENDS YOU RUSHING TO THE MIRROR ♪

♪ SENDS YOU RUSHING TO THE MIRROR ♪ ♪ BRUSH YOUR EYEBROWS

TO THE MIRROR ♪ ♪ BRUSH YOUR EYEBROWS AND SAY THERE'S MORE BEAUTY

♪ BRUSH YOUR EYEBROWS AND SAY THERE'S MORE BEAUTY IN YOU THAN ANYONE ♪

AND SAY THERE'S MORE BEAUTY IN YOU THAN ANYONE ♪ ♪ OH, REMEMBER WHO WALKED

IN YOU THAN ANYONE ♪ ♪ OH, REMEMBER WHO WALKED THE WARM SANDS BESIDE YOU

♪ OH, REMEMBER WHO WALKED THE WARM SANDS BESIDE YOU MOORED TO YOUR HEEL ♪

THE WARM SANDS BESIDE YOU MOORED TO YOUR HEEL ♪ ♪ LET THE WAVES COME

MOORED TO YOUR HEEL ♪ ♪ LET THE WAVES COME A-RUSHING IN ♪

♪ LET THE WAVES COME A-RUSHING IN ♪ ♪ SHE'LL TAKE THE WORRY

A-RUSHING IN ♪ ♪ SHE'LL TAKE THE WORRY FROM YOUR HEAD ♪

♪ SHE'LL TAKE THE WORRY FROM YOUR HEAD ♪ ♪ BUT, THEN AGAIN,

FROM YOUR HEAD ♪ ♪ BUT, THEN AGAIN, SHE PUT TROUBLE IN YOUR HEART

♪ BUT, THEN AGAIN, SHE PUT TROUBLE IN YOUR HEART INSTEAD ♪

SHE PUT TROUBLE IN YOUR HEART INSTEAD ♪ ♪ THEN YOU'LL FALL

INSTEAD ♪ ♪ THEN YOU'LL FALL DOWN TO THE GROUND,

♪ THEN YOU'LL FALL DOWN TO THE GROUND, DOWN TO THE GROUND ♪

DOWN TO THE GROUND, DOWN TO THE GROUND ♪ ♪ YOU'LL KNOW HEARTACHE,

DOWN TO THE GROUND ♪ ♪ YOU'LL KNOW HEARTACHE, STILL MORE CRYING

♪ YOU'LL KNOW HEARTACHE, STILL MORE CRYING WHEN YOU'RE THINKING

STILL MORE CRYING WHEN YOU'RE THINKING OF YOUR MOTHER'S ONLY SON ♪

WHEN YOU'RE THINKING OF YOUR MOTHER'S ONLY SON ♪ ♪ TAKE TO YOUR BED ♪

OF YOUR MOTHER'S ONLY SON ♪ ♪ TAKE TO YOUR BED ♪ ♪ YOU SAY THERE'S PEACE

♪ TAKE TO YOUR BED ♪ ♪ YOU SAY THERE'S PEACE IN SLEEP ♪

♪ YOU SAY THERE'S PEACE IN SLEEP ♪ ♪ BUT YOU'LL DREAM OF LOVE

IN SLEEP ♪ ♪ BUT YOU'LL DREAM OF LOVE INSTEAD ♪

♪ BUT YOU'LL DREAM OF LOVE INSTEAD ♪ ♪ OH, THE HEARTACHE YOU'LL FIND

INSTEAD ♪ ♪ OH, THE HEARTACHE YOU'LL FIND CAN BRING MORE PAIN THAN

♪ OH, THE HEARTACHE YOU'LL FIND CAN BRING MORE PAIN THAN A BLISTERING SUN ♪

CAN BRING MORE PAIN THAN A BLISTERING SUN ♪ ♪ BUT OH, WHEN YOU FALL, OH ♪

A BLISTERING SUN ♪ ♪ BUT OH, WHEN YOU FALL, OH ♪ ♪ OH, WHEN YOU FALL,

♪ BUT OH, WHEN YOU FALL, OH ♪ ♪ OH, WHEN YOU FALL, FALL AT MY DOOR ♪

♪ YOU'LL KNOW HEARTACHE, CRYING, WHEN YOU'RE THINKING

CRYING, WHEN YOU'RE THINKING YOUR MOTHER'S ONLY SON ♪

WHEN YOU'RE THINKING YOUR MOTHER'S ONLY SON ♪ ♪ TAKE TO YOUR BED ♪

YOUR MOTHER'S ONLY SON ♪ ♪ TAKE TO YOUR BED ♪ ♪ YOU SAY THERE'S PEACE

♪ TAKE TO YOUR BED ♪ ♪ YOU SAY THERE'S PEACE IN SLEEP ♪

♪ YOU SAY THERE'S PEACE IN SLEEP ♪ ♪ BUT YOU'LL DREAM OF LOVE

IN SLEEP ♪ ♪ BUT YOU'LL DREAM OF LOVE INSTEAD ♪

♪ BUT YOU'LL DREAM OF LOVE INSTEAD ♪ ♪ BUT OH, WHEN YOU FALL ♪

INSTEAD ♪ ♪ BUT OH, WHEN YOU FALL ♪ ♪ OH, WHEN YOU FALL,

♪ BUT OH, WHEN YOU FALL ♪ ♪ OH, WHEN YOU FALL, FALL AT MY DOOR ♪

[APPLAUSE]

OR DOES IT LOOK LIKE AN EYE IRRITATION? I DON'T KNOW, MAN.

IRRITATION? I DON'T KNOW, MAN. I HOPE TO GOD IT LOOKS LIKE

I DON'T KNOW, MAN. I HOPE TO GOD IT LOOKS LIKE AN EYE IRRITATION.

I HOPE TO GOD IT LOOKS LIKE AN EYE IRRITATION. THE WHOLE WORLD DON'T HAVE TO

AN EYE IRRITATION. THE WHOLE WORLD DON'T HAVE TO KNOW I'VE JUST BEEN CRYING IN

THE WHOLE WORLD DON'T HAVE TO KNOW I'VE JUST BEEN CRYING IN THE KMART.

KNOW I'VE JUST BEEN CRYING IN THE KMART. KNOCK IT OFF, MAN.

THE KMART. KNOCK IT OFF, MAN. STANDING IN THE CHECKOUT LINE

KNOCK IT OFF, MAN. STANDING IN THE CHECKOUT LINE WITH TEARS ROLLING DOWN MY

STANDING IN THE CHECKOUT LINE WITH TEARS ROLLING DOWN MY CHEEKS BECAUSE MY HUSBAND WILL

WITH TEARS ROLLING DOWN MY CHEEKS BECAUSE MY HUSBAND WILL NOT ALLOW ME TO BUY THE ORIGINAL

CHEEKS BECAUSE MY HUSBAND WILL NOT ALLOW ME TO BUY THE ORIGINAL SOUNDTRACK ALBUM OF "A STAR IS

NOT ALLOW ME TO BUY THE ORIGINAL SOUNDTRACK ALBUM OF "A STAR IS BORN," WITH BARBRA STREISAND, MY

SOUNDTRACK ALBUM OF "A STAR IS BORN," WITH BARBRA STREISAND, MY WORLD'S MOST MEANINGFUL ACTRESS.

BORN," WITH BARBRA STREISAND, MY WORLD'S MOST MEANINGFUL ACTRESS. YOU KNOW WHAT?

WORLD'S MOST MEANINGFUL ACTRESS. YOU KNOW WHAT? I HATE BARBRA STREISAND.

YOU KNOW WHAT? I HATE BARBRA STREISAND. SHE'S GOT THE HAIR OF A LUNATIC.

I HATE BARBRA STREISAND. SHE'S GOT THE HAIR OF A LUNATIC. I CAN'T BUY THE ALBUM BECAUSE

SHE'S GOT THE HAIR OF A LUNATIC. I CAN'T BUY THE ALBUM BECAUSE CERTAIN PEOPLE NEED THE $6.49

I CAN'T BUY THE ALBUM BECAUSE CERTAIN PEOPLE NEED THE $6.49 PLUS TAX THEY ARE SAVING FOR A

CERTAIN PEOPLE NEED THE $6.49 PLUS TAX THEY ARE SAVING FOR A BUBBLE WINDOW FOR THEIR VAN,

PLUS TAX THEY ARE SAVING FOR A BUBBLE WINDOW FOR THEIR VAN, WHICH THEY MUST HAVE IN TIME FOR

BUBBLE WINDOW FOR THEIR VAN, WHICH THEY MUST HAVE IN TIME FOR VAN-O-RAMA.

WHICH THEY MUST HAVE IN TIME FOR VAN-O-RAMA. YOU LAY OFF ME, BUT FIRST YOU

VAN-O-RAMA. YOU LAY OFF ME, BUT FIRST YOU LAY OFF MY VAN, OKAY?

YOU LAY OFF ME, BUT FIRST YOU LAY OFF MY VAN, OKAY? THE VAN, THE VAN.

LAY OFF MY VAN, OKAY? THE VAN, THE VAN. HUH!

THE VAN, THE VAN. HUH! CUSTOM PAINT JOB, ORANGE NYLON

HUH! CUSTOM PAINT JOB, ORANGE NYLON PILE CARPET ON THE FLOOR, THE

CUSTOM PAINT JOB, ORANGE NYLON PILE CARPET ON THE FLOOR, THE WALLS, THE CEILING.

PILE CARPET ON THE FLOOR, THE WALLS, THE CEILING. HOT-PINK CRUSHED-VELVET CURTAINS

WALLS, THE CEILING. HOT-PINK CRUSHED-VELVET CURTAINS AND CB PANEL ALL COVERED IN PINK

HOT-PINK CRUSHED-VELVET CURTAINS AND CB PANEL ALL COVERED IN PINK AND ORANGE SHAG CARPET.

AND CB PANEL ALL COVERED IN PINK AND ORANGE SHAG CARPET. AND A FAKE-FUR BEDSPREAD.

AND ORANGE SHAG CARPET. AND A FAKE-FUR BEDSPREAD. YOU GOT BETTER STUFF IN THAT VAN

AND A FAKE-FUR BEDSPREAD. YOU GOT BETTER STUFF IN THAT VAN THAN WE GOT IN OUR HOUSE.

YOU GOT BETTER STUFF IN THAT VAN THAN WE GOT IN OUR HOUSE. THAT VAN LOOKS LIKE THE

THAN WE GOT IN OUR HOUSE. THAT VAN LOOKS LIKE THE KING-OF-THE-WORLD'S HOME.

THAT VAN LOOKS LIKE THE KING-OF-THE-WORLD'S HOME. DON'T GIVE ME NONE OF THAT

KING-OF-THE-WORLD'S HOME. DON'T GIVE ME NONE OF THAT "KING OF THE WORLD" STUFF.

DON'T GIVE ME NONE OF THAT "KING OF THE WORLD" STUFF. THE KING OF THE WORLD DON'T

"KING OF THE WORLD" STUFF. THE KING OF THE WORLD DON'T INSTALL HIS OWN

THE KING OF THE WORLD DON'T INSTALL HIS OWN AIR-CONDITIONING.

INSTALL HIS OWN AIR-CONDITIONING. NOW THAT VAN WAS A CHEVY, AND IT

AIR-CONDITIONING. NOW THAT VAN WAS A CHEVY, AND IT CAME WITHOUT AIR-CONDITIONING,

NOW THAT VAN WAS A CHEVY, AND IT CAME WITHOUT AIR-CONDITIONING, FACTORY AIR, SO I INSTALLED IT

CAME WITHOUT AIR-CONDITIONING, FACTORY AIR, SO I INSTALLED IT MYSELF, REMEMBER?

FACTORY AIR, SO I INSTALLED IT MYSELF, REMEMBER? I INSTALLED IT MYSELF.

MYSELF, REMEMBER? I INSTALLED IT MYSELF. I REMEMBER.

I INSTALLED IT MYSELF. I REMEMBER. TILL 6:00 IN THE MORNING THE

I REMEMBER. TILL 6:00 IN THE MORNING THE NIGHT "EARTHQUAKE PART 1" WAS

TILL 6:00 IN THE MORNING THE NIGHT "EARTHQUAKE PART 1" WAS ON TV.

NIGHT "EARTHQUAKE PART 1" WAS ON TV. I'M WATCHING THE WORLD SHAKE

ON TV. I'M WATCHING THE WORLD SHAKE APART.

I'M WATCHING THE WORLD SHAKE APART. YOU'RE INSTALLING AIR.

APART. YOU'RE INSTALLING AIR. I'M ASLEEP.

YOU'RE INSTALLING AIR. I'M ASLEEP. YOU'RE INSTALLING AIR.

I'M ASLEEP. YOU'RE INSTALLING AIR. I'M FRYING UP BREAKFAST STRIPS.

YOU'RE INSTALLING AIR. I'M FRYING UP BREAKFAST STRIPS. YOU'RE INSTALLING AIR.

I'M FRYING UP BREAKFAST STRIPS. YOU'RE INSTALLING AIR. WELL, WHO WOULDN'T LIKE TO

YOU'RE INSTALLING AIR. WELL, WHO WOULDN'T LIKE TO INSTALL AIR?

WELL, WHO WOULDN'T LIKE TO INSTALL AIR? OKAY?

INSTALL AIR? OKAY? WHO WOULDN'T LIKE IT?

OKAY? WHO WOULDN'T LIKE IT? I LIKED INSTALLING AIR.

WHO WOULDN'T LIKE IT? I LIKED INSTALLING AIR. I LOVE IT!

I LIKED INSTALLING AIR. I LOVE IT! YOU GET TO USE 12 DIFFERENT

I LOVE IT! YOU GET TO USE 12 DIFFERENT WRENCHES.

YOU GET TO USE 12 DIFFERENT WRENCHES. TWELVE DIFFERENT WRENCHES.

WRENCHES. TWELVE DIFFERENT WRENCHES. ISN'T THAT SOME BIG NEWS?

TWELVE DIFFERENT WRENCHES. ISN'T THAT SOME BIG NEWS? LIKE FINDING OUT IN THE ENQUIRER

ISN'T THAT SOME BIG NEWS? LIKE FINDING OUT IN THE ENQUIRER HOW DIFFERENT MOVIE STARS LIKE

LIKE FINDING OUT IN THE ENQUIRER HOW DIFFERENT MOVIE STARS LIKE THEIR STEAK.

HOW DIFFERENT MOVIE STARS LIKE THEIR STEAK. ALL RIGHT, JUST LAY OFF,

THEIR STEAK. ALL RIGHT, JUST LAY OFF, OKAY?

ALL RIGHT, JUST LAY OFF, OKAY? LET'S JUST EAT HERE.

OKAY? LET'S JUST EAT HERE. I GOT TO GO HOME.

LET'S JUST EAT HERE. I GOT TO GO HOME. I GOT TO NAIL SOME MORE STUDS

I GOT TO GO HOME. I GOT TO NAIL SOME MORE STUDS INTO THE PLUSH CHAMBER.

I GOT TO NAIL SOME MORE STUDS INTO THE PLUSH CHAMBER. I HATE THAT NAME.

INTO THE PLUSH CHAMBER. I HATE THAT NAME. IT'S NOT SOMETHING YOU CAN

I HATE THAT NAME. IT'S NOT SOMETHING YOU CAN HATE OR LIKE OR AGREE OR

IT'S NOT SOMETHING YOU CAN HATE OR LIKE OR AGREE OR DISAGREE WITH.

HATE OR LIKE OR AGREE OR DISAGREE WITH. IT'S JUST THE NAME OF A CERTAIN

DISAGREE WITH. IT'S JUST THE NAME OF A CERTAIN AREA IN THE VAN.

IT'S JUST THE NAME OF A CERTAIN AREA IN THE VAN. YOU KNOW?

AREA IN THE VAN. YOU KNOW? I MEAN, LIKE, IT'S THE NAME OF

YOU KNOW? I MEAN, LIKE, IT'S THE NAME OF THE AREA EXCEPT FOR THE BED

I MEAN, LIKE, IT'S THE NAME OF THE AREA EXCEPT FOR THE BED AREA.

THE AREA EXCEPT FOR THE BED AREA. THAT'S IT.

AREA. THAT'S IT. IT'S THE PLUSH CHAMBER, AND IT'S

THAT'S IT. IT'S THE PLUSH CHAMBER, AND IT'S CALLED A PLUSH CHAMBER BECAUSE

IT'S THE PLUSH CHAMBER, AND IT'S CALLED A PLUSH CHAMBER BECAUSE IT IS A PLUSH CHAMBER.

CALLED A PLUSH CHAMBER BECAUSE IT IS A PLUSH CHAMBER. RARE AND A RARE.

IT IS A PLUSH CHAMBER. RARE AND A RARE. YOU KNOW, THAT WAS THE BEST

RARE AND A RARE. YOU KNOW, THAT WAS THE BEST MOVIE I SEEN IN SIX MONTHS?

YOU KNOW, THAT WAS THE BEST MOVIE I SEEN IN SIX MONTHS? IT WAS VERY TENDER, THE KIND

MOVIE I SEEN IN SIX MONTHS? IT WAS VERY TENDER, THE KIND WHERE YOU'RE IN THE AUDIENCE,

IT WAS VERY TENDER, THE KIND WHERE YOU'RE IN THE AUDIENCE, BUT YOU KEEP WISHING YOU WERE

WHERE YOU'RE IN THE AUDIENCE, BUT YOU KEEP WISHING YOU WERE THE ONE IN LOVE WITH THE MAN ON

BUT YOU KEEP WISHING YOU WERE THE ONE IN LOVE WITH THE MAN ON THE SCREEN, YOU KNOW?

THE ONE IN LOVE WITH THE MAN ON THE SCREEN, YOU KNOW? I GET OFF ON TENDERNESS.

THE SCREEN, YOU KNOW? I GET OFF ON TENDERNESS. IT'S DECIDED.

I GET OFF ON TENDERNESS. IT'S DECIDED. I'M GONNA DO THE EXTERIOR,

IT'S DECIDED. I'M GONNA DO THE EXTERIOR, CUSTOM PAINTING, IN RED AND

I'M GONNA DO THE EXTERIOR, CUSTOM PAINTING, IN RED AND WHITE PEARLIZED AND RED, WHITE,

CUSTOM PAINTING, IN RED AND WHITE PEARLIZED AND RED, WHITE, AND BLUE.

WHITE PEARLIZED AND RED, WHITE, AND BLUE. I'M GONNA CALL THE WHOLE THING

AND BLUE. I'M GONNA CALL THE WHOLE THING "NEW GLORY."

I'M GONNA CALL THE WHOLE THING "NEW GLORY." LIKE THE FLAG IS "OLD GLORY."

"NEW GLORY." LIKE THE FLAG IS "OLD GLORY." I'M GONNA CALL THIS "NEW GLORY,"

LIKE THE FLAG IS "OLD GLORY." I'M GONNA CALL THIS "NEW GLORY," BECAUSE, LIKE, IT'S A '76

I'M GONNA CALL THIS "NEW GLORY," BECAUSE, LIKE, IT'S A '76 CHEVY, AND IT'S NEW.

BECAUSE, LIKE, IT'S A '76 CHEVY, AND IT'S NEW. IT'S GONNA BE CALLED "NEW

CHEVY, AND IT'S NEW. IT'S GONNA BE CALLED "NEW GLORY."

IT'S GONNA BE CALLED "NEW GLORY." AND IF I HAVE THE RIGHT PAINT,

GLORY." AND IF I HAVE THE RIGHT PAINT, I'M GONNA PUT, LIKE, GRAIN, LIKE

AND IF I HAVE THE RIGHT PAINT, I'M GONNA PUT, LIKE, GRAIN, LIKE A WHEAT FIELD WITH PURPLE

I'M GONNA PUT, LIKE, GRAIN, LIKE A WHEAT FIELD WITH PURPLE MOUNTAINS IN THE BACKGROUND ON

A WHEAT FIELD WITH PURPLE MOUNTAINS IN THE BACKGROUND ON THE SIDE.

MOUNTAINS IN THE BACKGROUND ON THE SIDE. IT'LL BE REALLY NICE.

THE SIDE. IT'LL BE REALLY NICE. WHAT DO YOU THINK?

IT'LL BE REALLY NICE. WHAT DO YOU THINK? I DON'T THINK I'LL BE

WHAT DO YOU THINK? I DON'T THINK I'LL BE EXPRESSING OPINIONS SO NOBODY

I DON'T THINK I'LL BE EXPRESSING OPINIONS SO NOBODY CAN SAY I WAS GETTING ON HIM.

EXPRESSING OPINIONS SO NOBODY CAN SAY I WAS GETTING ON HIM. NOBODY'S GONNA SAY ANYTHING.

CAN SAY I WAS GETTING ON HIM. NOBODY'S GONNA SAY ANYTHING. I'M JUST ASKING FOR AN OPINION.

NOBODY'S GONNA SAY ANYTHING. I'M JUST ASKING FOR AN OPINION. I JUST WANT AN ATTITUDE.

I'M JUST ASKING FOR AN OPINION. I JUST WANT AN ATTITUDE. THAT'S ALL.

I JUST WANT AN ATTITUDE. THAT'S ALL. OH, ALL RIGHT.

THAT'S ALL. OH, ALL RIGHT. WELL, I THINK IT STINKS.

OH, ALL RIGHT. WELL, I THINK IT STINKS. GET OFF ME, WILL YOU?

WELL, I THINK IT STINKS. GET OFF ME, WILL YOU? AND HERE'S WHAT ELSE STINKS.

GET OFF ME, WILL YOU? AND HERE'S WHAT ELSE STINKS. THE SIMULATED WOOD PLAQUE WITH

AND HERE'S WHAT ELSE STINKS. THE SIMULATED WOOD PLAQUE WITH THE SIMULATED CARVING OF A NAKED

THE SIMULATED WOOD PLAQUE WITH THE SIMULATED CARVING OF A NAKED GIRL WITH YOUR ASTROLOGICAL SIGN

THE SIMULATED CARVING OF A NAKED GIRL WITH YOUR ASTROLOGICAL SIGN BRANDED ON HER BELLY THAT YOU

GIRL WITH YOUR ASTROLOGICAL SIGN BRANDED ON HER BELLY THAT YOU GOT CLIPPED BEHIND THE SUN VISOR

BRANDED ON HER BELLY THAT YOU GOT CLIPPED BEHIND THE SUN VISOR ABOVE THE LEFT WINDSHIELD.

GOT CLIPPED BEHIND THE SUN VISOR ABOVE THE LEFT WINDSHIELD. HOW DID YOU KNOW ABOUT THAT?

ABOVE THE LEFT WINDSHIELD. HOW DID YOU KNOW ABOUT THAT? I SEEN IT LAST WEEK WHEN YOU

HOW DID YOU KNOW ABOUT THAT? I SEEN IT LAST WEEK WHEN YOU WENT TO GET YOUR SUNGLASSES.

I SEEN IT LAST WEEK WHEN YOU WENT TO GET YOUR SUNGLASSES. AND I'LL TELL YOU ONE MORE

WENT TO GET YOUR SUNGLASSES. AND I'LL TELL YOU ONE MORE THING.

AND I'LL TELL YOU ONE MORE THING. I DON'T THINK THE LEOPARD

THING. I DON'T THINK THE LEOPARD HEADREST ON THE DRIVER'S SEAT

I DON'T THINK THE LEOPARD HEADREST ON THE DRIVER'S SEAT MAKES IT LOOK ANYTHING LIKE A

HEADREST ON THE DRIVER'S SEAT MAKES IT LOOK ANYTHING LIKE A THRONE.

MAKES IT LOOK ANYTHING LIKE A THRONE. YOU SAID YOU DID.

THRONE. YOU SAID YOU DID. WELL, I WAS LYING.

YOU SAID YOU DID. WELL, I WAS LYING. OH, AND ONE MORE THING, IN CASE

WELL, I WAS LYING. OH, AND ONE MORE THING, IN CASE YOU'RE INTERESTED.

OH, AND ONE MORE THING, IN CASE YOU'RE INTERESTED. I'M THE ONE WHO WROTE "WASH ME"

YOU'RE INTERESTED. I'M THE ONE WHO WROTE "WASH ME" WITH THEIR FINGER IN THE DUST ON

I'M THE ONE WHO WROTE "WASH ME" WITH THEIR FINGER IN THE DUST ON THE BACK DOOR.

WITH THEIR FINGER IN THE DUST ON THE BACK DOOR. YOU KNOW YOU'RE CRAZY?!

THE BACK DOOR. YOU KNOW YOU'RE CRAZY?! YOU'RE TURNING ON ME RIGHT NOW.

YOU KNOW YOU'RE CRAZY?! YOU'RE TURNING ON ME RIGHT NOW. HERE WE GO OUT TO SEE THE

YOU'RE TURNING ON ME RIGHT NOW. HERE WE GO OUT TO SEE THE BARBRA STREISAND MOVIE.

HERE WE GO OUT TO SEE THE BARBRA STREISAND MOVIE. WE GO TO KMART TO PICK UP COTTON

BARBRA STREISAND MOVIE. WE GO TO KMART TO PICK UP COTTON BALLS IN BETWEEN.

WE GO TO KMART TO PICK UP COTTON BALLS IN BETWEEN. WE COME OUT FOR A STEAK DINNER.

BALLS IN BETWEEN. WE COME OUT FOR A STEAK DINNER. AND THEN NOW, WHEN IT'S TOO

WE COME OUT FOR A STEAK DINNER. AND THEN NOW, WHEN IT'S TOO LATE, WHEN THE MOVIE'S BOUGHT,

AND THEN NOW, WHEN IT'S TOO LATE, WHEN THE MOVIE'S BOUGHT, PAID FOR, AND SEEN, YOU TURN ON

LATE, WHEN THE MOVIE'S BOUGHT, PAID FOR, AND SEEN, YOU TURN ON ME.

PAID FOR, AND SEEN, YOU TURN ON ME. BECAUSE I'M TIRED OF OUR

ME. BECAUSE I'M TIRED OF OUR LIFE.

BECAUSE I'M TIRED OF OUR LIFE. AND BETWEEN US, BELIEVE ME, WE

LIFE. AND BETWEEN US, BELIEVE ME, WE ONLY GOT ONE LIFE LEFT... YOURS!

AND BETWEEN US, BELIEVE ME, WE ONLY GOT ONE LIFE LEFT... YOURS! AND I AM TIRED OF WATCHING YOU

ONLY GOT ONE LIFE LEFT... YOURS! AND I AM TIRED OF WATCHING YOU BOLT BEVERAGE CADDIES TO THE

AND I AM TIRED OF WATCHING YOU BOLT BEVERAGE CADDIES TO THE FRONT CONSOLE.

BOLT BEVERAGE CADDIES TO THE FRONT CONSOLE. TIRED OF WAITING UP FOR YOU TILL

FRONT CONSOLE. TIRED OF WAITING UP FOR YOU TILL YOU'RE DONE INSTALLING COLOR

TIRED OF WAITING UP FOR YOU TILL YOU'RE DONE INSTALLING COLOR BARS THAT PULSATE IN TIME WITH

YOU'RE DONE INSTALLING COLOR BARS THAT PULSATE IN TIME WITH THE MUSIC OVER THE BED.

BARS THAT PULSATE IN TIME WITH THE MUSIC OVER THE BED. TIRED OF WATCHING YOU JEWEL THE

THE MUSIC OVER THE BED. TIRED OF WATCHING YOU JEWEL THE STEERING WHEEL, NOT LEAVING TIME

TIRED OF WATCHING YOU JEWEL THE STEERING WHEEL, NOT LEAVING TIME TO SEE ANY BUT ONE MOVIE IN SIX

STEERING WHEEL, NOT LEAVING TIME TO SEE ANY BUT ONE MOVIE IN SIX MONTHS OR MONEY TO BUY THE

TO SEE ANY BUT ONE MOVIE IN SIX MONTHS OR MONEY TO BUY THE ORIGINAL SOUNDTRACK ALBUM.

MONTHS OR MONEY TO BUY THE ORIGINAL SOUNDTRACK ALBUM. IN THE NAME OF MY LIFE... MOVIES

ORIGINAL SOUNDTRACK ALBUM. IN THE NAME OF MY LIFE... MOVIES AND ORIGINAL SOUNDTRACK

IN THE NAME OF MY LIFE... MOVIES AND ORIGINAL SOUNDTRACK ALBUMS... I AM FINALLY SPEAKING

AND ORIGINAL SOUNDTRACK ALBUMS... I AM FINALLY SPEAKING OUT.

ALBUMS... I AM FINALLY SPEAKING OUT. WELL, YOU JUST REMEMBER ONE

OUT. WELL, YOU JUST REMEMBER ONE THING, OKAY?

WELL, YOU JUST REMEMBER ONE THING, OKAY? I GOT YOU THAT WAY IN THE PLUSH

THING, OKAY? I GOT YOU THAT WAY IN THE PLUSH CHAMBER.

I GOT YOU THAT WAY IN THE PLUSH CHAMBER. I KNOW.

CHAMBER. I KNOW. AND TO TELL THE TRUTH, WE

I KNOW. AND TO TELL THE TRUTH, WE WERE WATCHING LAWRENCE WELK AND

AND TO TELL THE TRUTH, WE WERE WATCHING LAWRENCE WELK AND THE TV PLUGGED INTO THE CARPORT.

WERE WATCHING LAWRENCE WELK AND THE TV PLUGGED INTO THE CARPORT. WELL, WHILE I WAS PUTTING IT TO

THE TV PLUGGED INTO THE CARPORT. WELL, WHILE I WAS PUTTING IT TO YOU, I IMAGINED I WAS PUTTING IT

WELL, WHILE I WAS PUTTING IT TO YOU, I IMAGINED I WAS PUTTING IT TO ALL FOUR OF THE LENNON

YOU, I IMAGINED I WAS PUTTING IT TO ALL FOUR OF THE LENNON SISTERS AT ONCE.

TO ALL FOUR OF THE LENNON SISTERS AT ONCE. OH, ALL RIGHT.

SISTERS AT ONCE. OH, ALL RIGHT. WELL, LET ME TELL YOU.

OH, ALL RIGHT. WELL, LET ME TELL YOU. IF THIS BABY'S A GIRL, I WOULD

WELL, LET ME TELL YOU. IF THIS BABY'S A GIRL, I WOULD LIKE ITS FIRST NAME TO BE

IF THIS BABY'S A GIRL, I WOULD LIKE ITS FIRST NAME TO BE BARBRA AND ITS MIDDLE NAME TO BE

LIKE ITS FIRST NAME TO BE BARBRA AND ITS MIDDLE NAME TO BE STREISAND.

BARBRA AND ITS MIDDLE NAME TO BE STREISAND. AND I'M GONNA SEE THAT IT IS

STREISAND. AND I'M GONNA SEE THAT IT IS BECAUSE I'M GOING TO TELL THEM

AND I'M GONNA SEE THAT IT IS BECAUSE I'M GOING TO TELL THEM IN THE HOSPITAL, IN THE DELIVERY

BECAUSE I'M GOING TO TELL THEM IN THE HOSPITAL, IN THE DELIVERY ROOM BEFORE YOU CAN GET TO THEM

IN THE HOSPITAL, IN THE DELIVERY ROOM BEFORE YOU CAN GET TO THEM WHEN THEY ARE WRITING OUT THE

ROOM BEFORE YOU CAN GET TO THEM WHEN THEY ARE WRITING OUT THE BIRTH CERTIFICATE.

WHEN THEY ARE WRITING OUT THE BIRTH CERTIFICATE. BARBRA STREISAND JOHNSON.

BIRTH CERTIFICATE. BARBRA STREISAND JOHNSON. HUH!

BARBRA STREISAND JOHNSON. HUH! AND THERE WILL BE NOTHING YOU

HUH! AND THERE WILL BE NOTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT BUT LIVE WITH A

AND THERE WILL BE NOTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT BUT LIVE WITH A DAUGHTER NAMED FOR A PERSON WITH

CAN DO ABOUT IT BUT LIVE WITH A DAUGHTER NAMED FOR A PERSON WITH LUNATIC HAIR.

DAUGHTER NAMED FOR A PERSON WITH LUNATIC HAIR. OKAY, LOOK, MAN.

LUNATIC HAIR. OKAY, LOOK, MAN. YOU AND BARBRA STREISAND AND ALL

OKAY, LOOK, MAN. YOU AND BARBRA STREISAND AND ALL YOUR FRIENDS PUT TOGETHER DON'T

YOU AND BARBRA STREISAND AND ALL YOUR FRIENDS PUT TOGETHER DON'T UNDERSTAND ONE THING.

YOUR FRIENDS PUT TOGETHER DON'T UNDERSTAND ONE THING. A VAN IS A HOUSE ON WHEELS,

UNDERSTAND ONE THING. A VAN IS A HOUSE ON WHEELS, OKAY?

A VAN IS A HOUSE ON WHEELS, OKAY? AND IT'S GOT A LOT MORE FUR THAN

OKAY? AND IT'S GOT A LOT MORE FUR THAN ANY HOUSE WE'VE EVER HAD, OKAY?

AND IT'S GOT A LOT MORE FUR THAN ANY HOUSE WE'VE EVER HAD, OKAY? AND IT GOES WHERE YOU WANT.

ANY HOUSE WE'VE EVER HAD, OKAY? AND IT GOES WHERE YOU WANT. YOU GET A FUR-COVERED HOUSE.

AND IT GOES WHERE YOU WANT. YOU GET A FUR-COVERED HOUSE. IT MAY NOT BE REAL FUR, BUT

YOU GET A FUR-COVERED HOUSE. IT MAY NOT BE REAL FUR, BUT LET'S FACE IT.

IT MAY NOT BE REAL FUR, BUT LET'S FACE IT. THE ONLY PERSON WHO COULD BUY

LET'S FACE IT. THE ONLY PERSON WHO COULD BUY REAL FUR IS A MILLIONAIRE, OKAY?

THE ONLY PERSON WHO COULD BUY REAL FUR IS A MILLIONAIRE, OKAY? IT'S A FUR HOUSE.

REAL FUR IS A MILLIONAIRE, OKAY? IT'S A FUR HOUSE. IT GOES WITHOUT SAYING IT'S NOT

IT'S A FUR HOUSE. IT GOES WITHOUT SAYING IT'S NOT REAL FUR, BUT THAT PLUSH CHAMBER

IT GOES WITHOUT SAYING IT'S NOT REAL FUR, BUT THAT PLUSH CHAMBER IS THE CLOSEST THING THAT I'M

REAL FUR, BUT THAT PLUSH CHAMBER IS THE CLOSEST THING THAT I'M GONNA HAVE IN THIS OR ANY OTHER

IS THE CLOSEST THING THAT I'M GONNA HAVE IN THIS OR ANY OTHER LIFETIME TO A MOVABLE FUR HOUSE.

GONNA HAVE IN THIS OR ANY OTHER LIFETIME TO A MOVABLE FUR HOUSE. DO YOU GET THAT?

LIFETIME TO A MOVABLE FUR HOUSE. DO YOU GET THAT? DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT?

DO YOU GET THAT? DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT? YEAH, I UNDERSTAND.

DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT? YEAH, I UNDERSTAND. YOU GONNA EAT YOUR SALAD?

YEAH, I UNDERSTAND. YOU GONNA EAT YOUR SALAD? YEAH, YEAH.

YOU GONNA EAT YOUR SALAD? YEAH, YEAH. HERE.

YEAH, YEAH. HERE. YOU CAN HAVE IT.

HERE. YOU CAN HAVE IT. I DON'T WANT IT.

YOU CAN HAVE IT. I DON'T WANT IT. THANKS.

I DON'T WANT IT. THANKS. IT'S FROM YOUR FATHER.

THANKS. IT'S FROM YOUR FATHER. YOU WON'T ADMIT IT IS, BUT IT

IT'S FROM YOUR FATHER. YOU WON'T ADMIT IT IS, BUT IT IS.

YOU WON'T ADMIT IT IS, BUT IT IS. THE MAN WHO SAID SALAD WAS

IS. THE MAN WHO SAID SALAD WAS INVENTED BY COMMUNISTS.

THE MAN WHO SAID SALAD WAS INVENTED BY COMMUNISTS. AND YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TOLD ME

INVENTED BY COMMUNISTS. AND YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TOLD ME HE SAID IT.

AND YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TOLD ME HE SAID IT. SO DON'T TRY TO GET OUT OF IT

HE SAID IT. SO DON'T TRY TO GET OUT OF IT NOW.

SO DON'T TRY TO GET OUT OF IT NOW. HE SAID IT IN THE '50s, WHEN

NOW. HE SAID IT IN THE '50s, WHEN PEOPLE ONLY ATE SALAD IN THE

HE SAID IT IN THE '50s, WHEN PEOPLE ONLY ATE SALAD IN THE SUMMER, AND IT WASN'T A HOT

PEOPLE ONLY ATE SALAD IN THE SUMMER, AND IT WASN'T A HOT MEAL, AND YOUR FATHER ALWAYS

SUMMER, AND IT WASN'T A HOT MEAL, AND YOUR FATHER ALWAYS WANTED A HOT MEAL.

MEAL, AND YOUR FATHER ALWAYS WANTED A HOT MEAL. SO HE TOLD YOUR MOTHER SALAD WAS

WANTED A HOT MEAL. SO HE TOLD YOUR MOTHER SALAD WAS INVENTED BY THE COMMUNISTS, AND

SO HE TOLD YOUR MOTHER SALAD WAS INVENTED BY THE COMMUNISTS, AND YOU BELIEVED HIM TO THIS VERY

INVENTED BY THE COMMUNISTS, AND YOU BELIEVED HIM TO THIS VERY DAY.

YOU BELIEVED HIM TO THIS VERY DAY. WRONG!

DAY. WRONG! YOU COULD TURN INTO YOUR

WRONG! YOU COULD TURN INTO YOUR FATHER ANYTIME NOW IF YOU DON'T

YOU COULD TURN INTO YOUR FATHER ANYTIME NOW IF YOU DON'T WATCH OUT.

FATHER ANYTIME NOW IF YOU DON'T WATCH OUT. ALREADY EVERY NIGHT YOU SIT IN

WATCH OUT. ALREADY EVERY NIGHT YOU SIT IN YOUR CHAIR WITH A JOINT INSTEAD

ALREADY EVERY NIGHT YOU SIT IN YOUR CHAIR WITH A JOINT INSTEAD OF A BEER CAN.

YOUR CHAIR WITH A JOINT INSTEAD OF A BEER CAN. ALREADY YOU GOT A YELLOW

OF A BEER CAN. ALREADY YOU GOT A YELLOW MECHANICAL PENCIL YOU DON'T EVER

ALREADY YOU GOT A YELLOW MECHANICAL PENCIL YOU DON'T EVER LOSE.

MECHANICAL PENCIL YOU DON'T EVER LOSE. AND ALREADY YOU'RE IGNORING YOUR

LOSE. AND ALREADY YOU'RE IGNORING YOUR WIFE.

AND ALREADY YOU'RE IGNORING YOUR WIFE. I'LL BUY YOU THAT ALBUM,

WIFE. I'LL BUY YOU THAT ALBUM, OKAY?

I'LL BUY YOU THAT ALBUM, OKAY? [SIGHS]

OKAY? [SIGHS] ALL RIGHT.

[SIGHS] ALL RIGHT. AND IF IT'S A GIRL, IT'S TAMMY.

ALL RIGHT. AND IF IT'S A GIRL, IT'S TAMMY. AND THAT TIME WITH THE LENNON

AND IF IT'S A GIRL, IT'S TAMMY. AND THAT TIME WITH THE LENNON SISTERS?

AND THAT TIME WITH THE LENNON SISTERS? IT MIGHT HAVE BEEN ANOTHER

SISTERS? IT MIGHT HAVE BEEN ANOTHER NIGHT.

IT MIGHT HAVE BEEN ANOTHER NIGHT. RARE AND A RARE, TWO JUICES,

NIGHT. RARE AND A RARE, TWO JUICES, SALAD, TWO COFFEES AND A

RARE AND A RARE, TWO JUICES, SALAD, TWO COFFEES AND A PUDDING.

BYE. I REALLY ENJOYED IT. THANK YOU.

Announcer: NEXT SATURDAY

NIGHT, OUR HOST WILL BE

BUCK HENRY, WITH MUSICAL GUESTS

JENNIFER WARNES AND

KENNY VANCE.

THIS IS DON PARDO, AND NO MATTER

WHAT YOU'VE HEARD, MY VOICE IS

NOT A THREAT TO THE OZONE LAYER,

HONEST.

GOOD NIGHT.