Original subtitles

Announcer: THE "SATURDAY NIGHT" SHOW WHICH YOU ARE ABOUT TO SEE WILL GO ON AS SCHEDULED

NIGHT" SHOW WHICH YOU ARE ABOUT TO SEE WILL GO ON AS SCHEDULED DESPITE CERTAIN TECHNICAL

TO SEE WILL GO ON AS SCHEDULED DESPITE CERTAIN TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES.

DESPITE CERTAIN TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES. UNFORTUNATELY, A FEW MINUTES

DIFFICULTIES. UNFORTUNATELY, A FEW MINUTES AGO, JUST AFTER DRESS REHEARSAL,

UNFORTUNATELY, A FEW MINUTES AGO, JUST AFTER DRESS REHEARSAL, THE DIRECTOR OF THE SHOW, UH,

AGO, JUST AFTER DRESS REHEARSAL, THE DIRECTOR OF THE SHOW, UH, DIED.

THE DIRECTOR OF THE SHOW, UH, DIED. YEAH.

DIED. YEAH. YEAH? OKAY.

YEAH. YEAH? OKAY. UH, HI, I'M CAPTAIN RIP RIDER.

YEAH? OKAY. UH, HI, I'M CAPTAIN RIP RIDER. UH, NO, I'M DAN AYKROYD.

UH, HI, I'M CAPTAIN RIP RIDER. UH, NO, I'M DAN AYKROYD. WELL, I'M... I'M KIND OF S...

UH, NO, I'M DAN AYKROYD. WELL, I'M... I'M KIND OF S... I'M KIND OF AFRAID BECAUSE, UH,

WELL, I'M... I'M KIND OF S... I'M KIND OF AFRAID BECAUSE, UH, WELL, THIS IS LIVE TELEVISION,

I'M KIND OF AFRAID BECAUSE, UH, WELL, THIS IS LIVE TELEVISION, WHERE THE UNEXPECTED CAN HAPPEN,

WELL, THIS IS LIVE TELEVISION, WHERE THE UNEXPECTED CAN HAPPEN, AND, WELL, THE UNEXPECTED HAS

WHERE THE UNEXPECTED CAN HAPPEN, AND, WELL, THE UNEXPECTED HAS HAPPENED.

AND, WELL, THE UNEXPECTED HAS HAPPENED. WE'RE ALL QUITE SADDENED AND

HAPPENED. WE'RE ALL QUITE SADDENED AND DISAPPOINTED, BUT, UH, IN SHOW

WE'RE ALL QUITE SADDENED AND DISAPPOINTED, BUT, UH, IN SHOW BUSINESS, WE HAVE AN OLD

DISAPPOINTED, BUT, UH, IN SHOW BUSINESS, WE HAVE AN OLD SAYING... "THE SHOW MUST GO ON."

BUSINESS, WE HAVE AN OLD SAYING... "THE SHOW MUST GO ON." AND ALTHOUGH WE HAVE THIS OLD

SAYING... "THE SHOW MUST GO ON." AND ALTHOUGH WE HAVE THIS OLD SAYING, WELL, THE SHOW CAN'T

AND ALTHOUGH WE HAVE THIS OLD SAYING, WELL, THE SHOW CAN'T POSSIBLY GO ON WITHOUT

SAYING, WELL, THE SHOW CAN'T POSSIBLY GO ON WITHOUT DAVEY WILSON, OUR DIRECTOR,

POSSIBLY GO ON WITHOUT DAVEY WILSON, OUR DIRECTOR, WHO'S APPARENTLY DIED.

DAVEY WILSON, OUR DIRECTOR, WHO'S APPARENTLY DIED. DAVEY IS... IS, UH, WAS ONE OF

WHO'S APPARENTLY DIED. DAVEY IS... IS, UH, WAS ONE OF THE LAST OF A DYING BREED OF

DAVEY IS... IS, UH, WAS ONE OF THE LAST OF A DYING BREED OF PEOPLE WHO KNEW, WHO KNOW HOW,

THE LAST OF A DYING BREED OF PEOPLE WHO KNEW, WHO KNOW HOW, WHO KNEW HOW LIVE TELEVISION

PEOPLE WHO KNEW, WHO KNOW HOW, WHO KNEW HOW LIVE TELEVISION WORKS.

WHO KNEW HOW LIVE TELEVISION WORKS. AND, OF COURSE, THE TRUE

WORKS. AND, OF COURSE, THE TRUE TESTAMENT OF A MAN IS THE WORDS

AND, OF COURSE, THE TRUE TESTAMENT OF A MAN IS THE WORDS AND THOUGHTS ABOUT HIM SPOKEN BY

TESTAMENT OF A MAN IS THE WORDS AND THOUGHTS ABOUT HIM SPOKEN BY THOSE WHO WORKED CLOSEST WITH

AND THOUGHTS ABOUT HIM SPOKEN BY THOSE WHO WORKED CLOSEST WITH HIM.

THOSE WHO WORKED CLOSEST WITH HIM. SIR, YOU KNEW DAVEY WILSON.

SIR, YOU KNEW DAVEY WILSON. UH, YES, I DID.

UH, YES, I DID. WHAT SORT OF MAN WAS HE?

WHAT SORT OF MAN WAS HE? SEEMED LIKE A NICE GUY, BUT

SEEMED LIKE A NICE GUY, BUT HE WAS HARD TO GET TO KNOW, YOU

HE WAS HARD TO GET TO KNOW, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

KNOW WHAT I MEAN? YEAH. UH, DAVEY WILSON, A MARVELOUS

YEAH. UH, DAVEY WILSON, A MARVELOUS MAN AND A GUY WHO KNEW WHAT LIVE

UH, DAVEY WILSON, A MARVELOUS MAN AND A GUY WHO KNEW WHAT LIVE TELEVISION WAS ALL A...

MAN AND A GUY WHO KNEW WHAT LIVE TELEVISION WAS ALL A... JOHN! HOW ARE YA?

TELEVISION WAS ALL A... JOHN! HOW ARE YA? WHAT'S HAPPENING OUT THERE?

JOHN! HOW ARE YA? WHAT'S HAPPENING OUT THERE? WHAT'S HAPPENING?

WHAT'S HAPPENING OUT THERE? WHAT'S HAPPENING? I'M SITTING IN FRONT OF 350

WHAT'S HAPPENING? I'M SITTING IN FRONT OF 350 PEOPLE, READY TO PULL DOWN THE

I'M SITTING IN FRONT OF 350 PEOPLE, READY TO PULL DOWN THE TEMPLES OF ISRAEL AND SAY,

PEOPLE, READY TO PULL DOWN THE TEMPLES OF ISRAEL AND SAY, "LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S

TEMPLES OF ISRAEL AND SAY, "LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S 'SATURDAY NIGHT, '" AND NOBODY

"LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S 'SATURDAY NIGHT, '" AND NOBODY KNOWS WHAT'S GOING ON.

'SATURDAY NIGHT, '" AND NOBODY KNOWS WHAT'S GOING ON. DAVEY IS DEAD.

KNOWS WHAT'S GOING ON. DAVEY IS DEAD. WHO?

DAVEY IS DEAD. WHO? DAVEY WILSON, OUR DIRECTOR...

WHO? DAVEY WILSON, OUR DIRECTOR... HE JUST DIED BEFORE WE WENT ON

DAVEY WILSON, OUR DIRECTOR... HE JUST DIED BEFORE WE WENT ON THE AIR.

HE JUST DIED BEFORE WE WENT ON THE AIR. DANNY, WHAT'S GOING ON?

THE AIR. DANNY, WHAT'S GOING ON? THE LIGHTS WENT OUT!

DANNY, WHAT'S GOING ON? THE LIGHTS WENT OUT! UH, YEAH, WELL, DAVEY'S DEAD.

THE LIGHTS WENT OUT! UH, YEAH, WELL, DAVEY'S DEAD. YOU SEE, HE DIED BEFORE WE WENT

UH, YEAH, WELL, DAVEY'S DEAD. YOU SEE, HE DIED BEFORE WE WENT ON THE AIR.

YOU SEE, HE DIED BEFORE WE WENT ON THE AIR. OH, NO, THAT MEANS WE CAN'T

ON THE AIR. OH, NO, THAT MEANS WE CAN'T DO THE "DELILAH" SCENE.

OH, NO, THAT MEANS WE CAN'T DO THE "DELILAH" SCENE. WELL, AS IT STANDS NOW, WE

DO THE "DELILAH" SCENE. WELL, AS IT STANDS NOW, WE CAN'T REALLY DO ANYTHING EXCEPT

WELL, AS IT STANDS NOW, WE CAN'T REALLY DO ANYTHING EXCEPT JUST SORT OF STAND HERE AND TALK

CAN'T REALLY DO ANYTHING EXCEPT JUST SORT OF STAND HERE AND TALK TO YOU AT HOME AND, UH, AND HOPE

JUST SORT OF STAND HERE AND TALK TO YOU AT HOME AND, UH, AND HOPE THINGS WORK OUT.

TO YOU AT HOME AND, UH, AND HOPE THINGS WORK OUT. THAT'S JUST GREAT, YOU KNOW?

THINGS WORK OUT. THAT'S JUST GREAT, YOU KNOW? I MEAN, I RESEARCH A ROLE ALL

THAT'S JUST GREAT, YOU KNOW? I MEAN, I RESEARCH A ROLE ALL WEEK, I READ BOOKS ON DELILAH, I

I MEAN, I RESEARCH A ROLE ALL WEEK, I READ BOOKS ON DELILAH, I GET PICTURES OF DELILAH, I WAS

WEEK, I READ BOOKS ON DELILAH, I GET PICTURES OF DELILAH, I WAS GREAT AS DELILAH!

GET PICTURES OF DELILAH, I WAS GREAT AS DELILAH! I HAD THEM EATING OUT OF MY

GREAT AS DELILAH! I HAD THEM EATING OUT OF MY HAND IN DRESS REHEARSAL!

I HAD THEM EATING OUT OF MY HAND IN DRESS REHEARSAL! LARAINE, PLEASE.

HAND IN DRESS REHEARSAL! LARAINE, PLEASE. DON'T WORRY.

LARAINE, PLEASE. DON'T WORRY. I'LL BE ALL RIGHT.

DON'T WORRY. I'LL BE ALL RIGHT. AS YOU CAN SEE, LADIES AND

I'LL BE ALL RIGHT. AS YOU CAN SEE, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THIS IS A SHOCK TO

AS YOU CAN SEE, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THIS IS A SHOCK TO EVERYONE.

GENTLEMEN, THIS IS A SHOCK TO EVERYONE. THE FACT THAT WE'RE WITHOUT A

EVERYONE. THE FACT THAT WE'RE WITHOUT A VERY...

THE FACT THAT WE'RE WITHOUT A VERY... WHAT'S GOING ON HERE, MAN?

VERY... WHAT'S GOING ON HERE, MAN? DAVEY WILSON DIED.

WHAT'S GOING ON HERE, MAN? DAVEY WILSON DIED. THE DIRECTOR?

DAVEY WILSON DIED. THE DIRECTOR? THAT'S RIGHT, GARRETT.

THE DIRECTOR? THAT'S RIGHT, GARRETT. YOU WORKED WITH DAVEY WILSON FOR

THAT'S RIGHT, GARRETT. YOU WORKED WITH DAVEY WILSON FOR ALMOST TWO YEARS.

YOU WORKED WITH DAVEY WILSON FOR ALMOST TWO YEARS. IS THERE ANYTHING THAT STANDS

ALMOST TWO YEARS. IS THERE ANYTHING THAT STANDS OUT IN YOUR MEMORY ABOUT HIM?

IS THERE ANYTHING THAT STANDS OUT IN YOUR MEMORY ABOUT HIM? HE SEEMED LIKE A NICE GUY TO

OUT IN YOUR MEMORY ABOUT HIM? HE SEEMED LIKE A NICE GUY TO ME, MAN.

HE SEEMED LIKE A NICE GUY TO ME, MAN. HE NEVER HASSLED ME AT ALL.

ME, MAN. HE NEVER HASSLED ME AT ALL. TWO YEARS, AND HE NEVER

HE NEVER HASSLED ME AT ALL. TWO YEARS, AND HE NEVER HASSLED GARRETT... QUITE A

TWO YEARS, AND HE NEVER HASSLED GARRETT... QUITE A TRIBUTE TO THE DEAD

HASSLED GARRETT... QUITE A TRIBUTE TO THE DEAD DAVEY WILSON.

TRIBUTE TO THE DEAD DAVEY WILSON. WHETHER YOU WERE BLACK OR WHITE

DAVEY WILSON. WHETHER YOU WERE BLACK OR WHITE OR RED OR BLUE OR GREEN,

WHETHER YOU WERE BLACK OR WHITE OR RED OR BLUE OR GREEN, DAVEY WILSON JUST SEEMED TO BE A

OR RED OR BLUE OR GREEN, DAVEY WILSON JUST SEEMED TO BE A NICE KIND OF GUY.

DAVEY WILSON JUST SEEMED TO BE A NICE KIND OF GUY. UH, HE WAS, UH, A NICE GUY.

NICE KIND OF GUY. UH, HE WAS, UH, A NICE GUY. VERY NICE GUY.

UH, HE WAS, UH, A NICE GUY. VERY NICE GUY. YEAH.

VERY NICE GUY. YEAH. YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT, HE PRETTY

YEAH. YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT, HE PRETTY MUCH KEPT TO HIMSELF.

YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT, HE PRETTY MUCH KEPT TO HIMSELF. UH-HUH.

MUCH KEPT TO HIMSELF. UH-HUH. HE WAS A NICE GUY... QUIET GUY,

UH-HUH. HE WAS A NICE GUY... QUIET GUY, EVERYBODY SEEMS TO AGREE.

HE WAS A NICE GUY... QUIET GUY, EVERYBODY SEEMS TO AGREE. YEAH.

EVERYBODY SEEMS TO AGREE. YEAH. I UNDERSTAND WE HAVE A

YEAH. I UNDERSTAND WE HAVE A FILM... "HIGHLIGHTS OF THE

I UNDERSTAND WE HAVE A FILM... "HIGHLIGHTS OF THE CAREER OF DAVEY WILSON," WHICH

FILM... "HIGHLIGHTS OF THE CAREER OF DAVEY WILSON," WHICH WE'RE ABOUT TO ROLL.

CAREER OF DAVEY WILSON," WHICH WE'RE ABOUT TO ROLL. CAN YOU ROLL THE FILM?

WE'RE ABOUT TO ROLL. CAN YOU ROLL THE FILM? UH, NO, BECAUSE I RUN THESE.

CAN YOU ROLL THE FILM? UH, NO, BECAUSE I RUN THESE. OKAY, WELL, WE'RE HAVING SOME

UH, NO, BECAUSE I RUN THESE. OKAY, WELL, WE'RE HAVING SOME TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES WITH THAT

OKAY, WELL, WE'RE HAVING SOME TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES WITH THAT FILM.

TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES WITH THAT FILM. THAT'S EASILY EXPLAINABLE.

FILM. THAT'S EASILY EXPLAINABLE. THE FILM IS ABOUT THE DIRECTOR,

THAT'S EASILY EXPLAINABLE. THE FILM IS ABOUT THE DIRECTOR, DAVEY WILSON, WHO JUST DIED, AND

THE FILM IS ABOUT THE DIRECTOR, DAVEY WILSON, WHO JUST DIED, AND HE'S THE ONLY ONE WHO REALLY

DAVEY WILSON, WHO JUST DIED, AND HE'S THE ONLY ONE WHO REALLY KNOWS HOW THE TECHNICAL END

HE'S THE ONLY ONE WHO REALLY KNOWS HOW THE TECHNICAL END WORKS.

KNOWS HOW THE TECHNICAL END WORKS. SAY GARRETT OR JOHN OR MYSELF

WORKS. SAY GARRETT OR JOHN OR MYSELF HAD DIED AND WE WERE ROLLING A

SAY GARRETT OR JOHN OR MYSELF HAD DIED AND WE WERE ROLLING A FILM ON US, WELL, WE'D HAVE NO

HAD DIED AND WE WERE ROLLING A FILM ON US, WELL, WE'D HAVE NO PROBLEM BECAUSE WE'RE ON THE

FILM ON US, WELL, WE'D HAVE NO PROBLEM BECAUSE WE'RE ON THE ACTING END, AS OPPOSED TO THE,

PROBLEM BECAUSE WE'RE ON THE ACTING END, AS OPPOSED TO THE, UH, TECHNICAL END.

ACTING END, AS OPPOSED TO THE, UH, TECHNICAL END. AND, WELL, FILM IS TECHNICAL,

UH, TECHNICAL END. AND, WELL, FILM IS TECHNICAL, AND DAVEY KNEW THAT STUFF, AND

AND, WELL, FILM IS TECHNICAL, AND DAVEY KNEW THAT STUFF, AND HE'S NOT HERE.

AND DAVEY KNEW THAT STUFF, AND HE'S NOT HERE. HE'S KIND OF GONE.

HE'S NOT HERE. HE'S KIND OF GONE. AND THAT'S THE IRONY HERE, I

HE'S KIND OF GONE. AND THAT'S THE IRONY HERE, I THINK.

AND THAT'S THE IRONY HERE, I THINK. IT'S A REAL IRONIC SITUATION.

THINK. IT'S A REAL IRONIC SITUATION. JANE! JANE CURTIN IS HERE.

IT'S A REAL IRONIC SITUATION. JANE! JANE CURTIN IS HERE. AND, JANE, YOU KNEW DAVEY.

JANE! JANE CURTIN IS HERE. AND, JANE, YOU KNEW DAVEY. YOU MUST HAVE SOMETHING THAT YOU

AND, JANE, YOU KNEW DAVEY. YOU MUST HAVE SOMETHING THAT YOU COULD SHARE ABOUT HIM WITH US.

YOU MUST HAVE SOMETHING THAT YOU COULD SHARE ABOUT HIM WITH US. UH...

COULD SHARE ABOUT HIM WITH US. UH... I ONCE HEARD DAVEY SAY HE REALLY

UH... I ONCE HEARD DAVEY SAY HE REALLY LIKED THE BEATLES.

I ONCE HEARD DAVEY SAY HE REALLY LIKED THE BEATLES. WELL, HERE'S SOMETHING ABOUT

LIKED THE BEATLES. WELL, HERE'S SOMETHING ABOUT HIM... HE LIKED THE BEATLES.

WELL, HERE'S SOMETHING ABOUT HIM... HE LIKED THE BEATLES. YEAH, A WHITE MAN WHO LIKED

HIM... HE LIKED THE BEATLES. YEAH, A WHITE MAN WHO LIKED THE BEATLES... NOW, THAT'S

YEAH, A WHITE MAN WHO LIKED THE BEATLES... NOW, THAT'S INTERESTING, MAN.

THE BEATLES... NOW, THAT'S INTERESTING, MAN. AND I THINK THE BEATLES

INTERESTING, MAN. AND I THINK THE BEATLES SUMMED IT UP BEST WHEN THEY

AND I THINK THE BEATLES SUMMED IT UP BEST WHEN THEY SAID, "OB-LA-DI, OB-LA-DA, LIFE

SUMMED IT UP BEST WHEN THEY SAID, "OB-LA-DI, OB-LA-DA, LIFE GOES ON, BRA."

SAID, "OB-LA-DI, OB-LA-DA, LIFE GOES ON, BRA." AH, THANK YOU, THANK YOU,

GOES ON, BRA." AH, THANK YOU, THANK YOU, JANE.

AH, THANK YOU, THANK YOU, JANE. THANK YOU, DAN, AND THANK

JANE. THANK YOU, DAN, AND THANK YOU, DAVE.

THANK YOU, DAN, AND THANK YOU, DAVE. ALL RIGHT.

YOU, DAVE. ALL RIGHT. BILL! BILL MURRAY.

ALL RIGHT. BILL! BILL MURRAY. BILL MURRAY... THE NEWEST OF

BILL! BILL MURRAY. BILL MURRAY... THE NEWEST OF THE NOT-READY-FOR-PRIME-TIME

BILL MURRAY... THE NEWEST OF THE NOT-READY-FOR-PRIME-TIME PLAYERS.

THE NOT-READY-FOR-PRIME-TIME PLAYERS. YES, I AM.

PLAYERS. YES, I AM. PERHAPS YOU HAVE A STORY

YES, I AM. PERHAPS YOU HAVE A STORY ABOUT DAVE WILSON, OUR DECEASED

PERHAPS YOU HAVE A STORY ABOUT DAVE WILSON, OUR DECEASED DIRECTOR, THAT YOU COULD TELL

ABOUT DAVE WILSON, OUR DECEASED DIRECTOR, THAT YOU COULD TELL THE FOLKS.

DIRECTOR, THAT YOU COULD TELL THE FOLKS. SURE, UH, UH, DAVEY AND I

THE FOLKS. SURE, UH, UH, DAVEY AND I USED TO DRINK A LOT OF COFFEE

SURE, UH, UH, DAVEY AND I USED TO DRINK A LOT OF COFFEE TOGETHER.

USED TO DRINK A LOT OF COFFEE TOGETHER. AND, UH, ONE TIME, I WAS AT THE

TOGETHER. AND, UH, ONE TIME, I WAS AT THE MACHINE, AND HE SAID, "DON'T

AND, UH, ONE TIME, I WAS AT THE MACHINE, AND HE SAID, "DON'T DRINK THE MILK.

MACHINE, AND HE SAID, "DON'T DRINK THE MILK. IT'S SOUR."

DRINK THE MILK. IT'S SOUR." AND I DRANK IT ANYWAY, AND IT

IT'S SOUR." AND I DRANK IT ANYWAY, AND IT WAS SOUR.

AND I DRANK IT ANYWAY, AND IT WAS SOUR. BUT, UH, YOU KNOW, IT WAS NICE

WAS SOUR. BUT, UH, YOU KNOW, IT WAS NICE OF HIM TO TELL ME THAT.

BUT, UH, YOU KNOW, IT WAS NICE OF HIM TO TELL ME THAT. THANK YOU, BILL, FOR THAT

OF HIM TO TELL ME THAT. THANK YOU, BILL, FOR THAT STORY ABOUT DAVEY WILSON.

THANK YOU, BILL, FOR THAT STORY ABOUT DAVEY WILSON. IF THERE'S ANY ONE PERSON WHO

STORY ABOUT DAVEY WILSON. IF THERE'S ANY ONE PERSON WHO RELIED ON DAVEY WILSON MORE THAN

IF THERE'S ANY ONE PERSON WHO RELIED ON DAVEY WILSON MORE THAN ANYBODY ELSE, IT WOULD HAVE TO

RELIED ON DAVEY WILSON MORE THAN ANYBODY ELSE, IT WOULD HAVE TO BE THE HOST.

ANYBODY ELSE, IT WOULD HAVE TO BE THE HOST. THIS IS SISSY SPACEK, THE HOST

BE THE HOST. THIS IS SISSY SPACEK, THE HOST OF THIS WEEK'S SHOW, WHICH ISN'T

THIS IS SISSY SPACEK, THE HOST OF THIS WEEK'S SHOW, WHICH ISN'T QUITE THE SHOW WE OR SHE THOUGHT

OF THIS WEEK'S SHOW, WHICH ISN'T QUITE THE SHOW WE OR SHE THOUGHT IT WOULD BE.

QUITE THE SHOW WE OR SHE THOUGHT IT WOULD BE. SISSY, THIS IS YOUR FIRST TV

IT WOULD BE. SISSY, THIS IS YOUR FIRST TV SHOW.

SISSY, THIS IS YOUR FIRST TV SHOW. YES, IT IS, DANNY.

SHOW. YES, IT IS, DANNY. I USUALLY WORK IN MOVIES, AND IF

YES, IT IS, DANNY. I USUALLY WORK IN MOVIES, AND IF SOMEONE DIES IN THE MOVIES, WE

I USUALLY WORK IN MOVIES, AND IF SOMEONE DIES IN THE MOVIES, WE JUST STOP FILMING.

SOMEONE DIES IN THE MOVIES, WE JUST STOP FILMING. BUT HERE, EVERYTHING JUST FALLS

JUST STOP FILMING. BUT HERE, EVERYTHING JUST FALLS APART.

BUT HERE, EVERYTHING JUST FALLS APART. I... I GUESS THAT'S WHAT MAKES

APART. I... I GUESS THAT'S WHAT MAKES LIVE TV SO EXCITING.

I... I GUESS THAT'S WHAT MAKES LIVE TV SO EXCITING. YES!

LIVE TV SO EXCITING. YES! THE EXCITEMENT OF LIVE

YES! THE EXCITEMENT OF LIVE TELEVISION.

THE EXCITEMENT OF LIVE TELEVISION. YES!

TELEVISION. YES! YEAH!

YES! YEAH! I JUST HOPE WE GET TO DO

YEAH! I JUST HOPE WE GET TO DO SOMETHING THAT WE REHEARSED.

I JUST HOPE WE GET TO DO SOMETHING THAT WE REHEARSED. WELL, SISSY, WE'RE SORRY THAT

SOMETHING THAT WE REHEARSED. WELL, SISSY, WE'RE SORRY THAT IT HAPPENED THIS WEEK.

WELL, SISSY, WE'RE SORRY THAT IT HAPPENED THIS WEEK. AND, YOU KNOW, I KNOW THAT IF

IT HAPPENED THIS WEEK. AND, YOU KNOW, I KNOW THAT IF DAVEY...

AND, YOU KNOW, I KNOW THAT IF DAVEY... DANNY, THEY'RE GETTING READY

DAVEY... DANNY, THEY'RE GETTING READY TO RUN THE FILM.

DANNY, THEY'RE GETTING READY TO RUN THE FILM. OKAY, I THINK THEY'RE READY

TO RUN THE FILM. OKAY, I THINK THEY'RE READY TO ROLL THAT OBITUARY FILM, THE

OKAY, I THINK THEY'RE READY TO ROLL THAT OBITUARY FILM, THE STANDARD OBITUARY FILM.

TO ROLL THAT OBITUARY FILM, THE STANDARD OBITUARY FILM. READY TO ROLL THE FILM NOW?

STANDARD OBITUARY FILM. READY TO ROLL THE FILM NOW? NO.

READY TO ROLL THE FILM NOW? NO. OKAY, FINE.

NO. OKAY, FINE. GILDA RADNER, YOU KNEW DAVEY AS

OKAY, FINE. GILDA RADNER, YOU KNEW DAVEY AS WELL AS ANY ONE OF THE

GILDA RADNER, YOU KNEW DAVEY AS WELL AS ANY ONE OF THE NOT-READY-FOR-PRIME-TIME

WELL AS ANY ONE OF THE NOT-READY-FOR-PRIME-TIME PLAYERS.

NOT-READY-FOR-PRIME-TIME PLAYERS. UH, YES, I DID.

PLAYERS. UH, YES, I DID. HE REMINDED ME OF MY

UH, YES, I DID. HE REMINDED ME OF MY GRANDFATHER.

HE REMINDED ME OF MY GRANDFATHER. OH, YEAH?

GRANDFATHER. OH, YEAH? WHAT DOES YOUR GRANDFATHER DO?

OH, YEAH? WHAT DOES YOUR GRANDFATHER DO? HE DIED.

WHAT DOES YOUR GRANDFATHER DO? HE DIED. WHAT DID HE DO BEFORE THAT?

HE DIED. WHAT DID HE DO BEFORE THAT? HE WAS REAL SICK.

WHAT DID HE DO BEFORE THAT? HE WAS REAL SICK. AND, UH, BEFORE THAT?

HE WAS REAL SICK. AND, UH, BEFORE THAT? WELL, HE HAD A LOT OF

AND, UH, BEFORE THAT? WELL, HE HAD A LOT OF HEADACHES.

WELL, HE HAD A LOT OF HEADACHES. HOW ABOUT BEFORE THAT?

HEADACHES. HOW ABOUT BEFORE THAT? HE USED TO YELL AT MY

HOW ABOUT BEFORE THAT? HE USED TO YELL AT MY GRANDMOTHER.

HE USED TO YELL AT MY GRANDMOTHER. OKAY, THANK YOU, GILDA, THANK

GRANDMOTHER. OKAY, THANK YOU, GILDA, THANK YOU.

OKAY, THANK YOU, GILDA, THANK YOU. YOU KNOW, THERE'S AN OLD SAYING

YOU. YOU KNOW, THERE'S AN OLD SAYING THAT, WELL, "YOU CAN TELL A LOT

YOU KNOW, THERE'S AN OLD SAYING THAT, WELL, "YOU CAN TELL A LOT ABOUT A MAN FROM THE... CONTENTS

THAT, WELL, "YOU CAN TELL A LOT ABOUT A MAN FROM THE... CONTENTS OF HIS WALLET."

ABOUT A MAN FROM THE... CONTENTS OF HIS WALLET." LET'S SEE, UH, DAVEY WAS, UH,

OF HIS WALLET." LET'S SEE, UH, DAVEY WAS, UH, LET'S SEE.

LET'S SEE, UH, DAVEY WAS, UH, LET'S SEE. OUR DIRECTOR, DAVEY WILSON, WAS

LET'S SEE. OUR DIRECTOR, DAVEY WILSON, WAS A MEMBER OF THE DINER'S CLUB.

OUR DIRECTOR, DAVEY WILSON, WAS A MEMBER OF THE DINER'S CLUB. AND...

A MEMBER OF THE DINER'S CLUB. AND... THE FILM?

AND... THE FILM? THE FILM IS UP!

THE FILM? THE FILM IS UP! THE FILM IS ON.

THE FILM IS UP! THE FILM IS ON. THE NBC OBITUARY...

THE FILM IS ON. THE NBC OBITUARY... NO, IT STOPPED.

THE NBC OBITUARY... NO, IT STOPPED. NO, THE FILM ON DAVEY WILSON,

NO, IT STOPPED. NO, THE FILM ON DAVEY WILSON, OUR LATE DIRECTOR, OUR VERY

NO, THE FILM ON DAVEY WILSON, OUR LATE DIRECTOR, OUR VERY RECENTLY DECEASED DIRECTOR,

OUR LATE DIRECTOR, OUR VERY RECENTLY DECEASED DIRECTOR, DAVEY WILSON... THE STANDARD NBC

RECENTLY DECEASED DIRECTOR, DAVEY WILSON... THE STANDARD NBC OBITUARY FILM.

DAVEY WILSON... THE STANDARD NBC OBITUARY FILM. NOT ON. IT'S NOT ON.

OBITUARY FILM. NOT ON. IT'S NOT ON. AH, THERE IT IS!

NOT ON. IT'S NOT ON. AH, THERE IT IS! Announcer: DAVEY WILSON,

AH, THERE IT IS! Announcer: DAVEY WILSON, WINNER OF A 1976 EMMY FOR

Announcer: DAVEY WILSON, WINNER OF A 1976 EMMY FOR DIRECTING THE "SATURDAY NIGHT"

WINNER OF A 1976 EMMY FOR DIRECTING THE "SATURDAY NIGHT" SHOW.

DIRECTING THE "SATURDAY NIGHT" SHOW. HIS UNTIMELY DEATH BROUGHT TO

SHOW. HIS UNTIMELY DEATH BROUGHT TO AN END A CAREER OF DIRECTING

HIS UNTIMELY DEATH BROUGHT TO AN END A CAREER OF DIRECTING THAT STRETCHED OVER 20 YEARS AND

AN END A CAREER OF DIRECTING THAT STRETCHED OVER 20 YEARS AND INCLUDED SUCH HITS AS

THAT STRETCHED OVER 20 YEARS AND INCLUDED SUCH HITS AS "THE PAUL WEESNER STORY"...

INCLUDED SUCH HITS AS "THE PAUL WEESNER STORY"... "MAMBO MACAMBO"...

"THE PAUL WEESNER STORY"... "MAMBO MACAMBO"... "ANIMAL FUN"...

"MAMBO MACAMBO"... "ANIMAL FUN"... "HATS OFF, ENSIGN O'ROURKE"...

"ANIMAL FUN"... "HATS OFF, ENSIGN O'ROURKE"... AND "CINCINNATI MIDDAY."

UM, DANNY, DANNY? YEAH? WE'RE ON. WE'RE ON.

YEAH? WE'RE ON. WE'RE ON. OKAY. ALL RIGHT.

WE'RE ON. WE'RE ON. OKAY. ALL RIGHT. NO, YOU CAN'T TAKE HIS MONEY.

OKAY. ALL RIGHT. NO, YOU CAN'T TAKE HIS MONEY. WE FOUND A CARD HERE, A

NO, YOU CAN'T TAKE HIS MONEY. WE FOUND A CARD HERE, A MEDIC ALERT CARD.

WE FOUND A CARD HERE, A MEDIC ALERT CARD. A MEDIC ALERT CARD HAS BEEN

MEDIC ALERT CARD. A MEDIC ALERT CARD HAS BEEN FOUND.

A MEDIC ALERT CARD HAS BEEN FOUND. COULD SOMEBODY...

FOUND. COULD SOMEBODY... A MEDIC ALERT CARD HAS BEEN

COULD SOMEBODY... A MEDIC ALERT CARD HAS BEEN FOUND.

A MEDIC ALERT CARD HAS BEEN FOUND. IT SAYS, "IN THE EVENT OF LOSS

FOUND. IT SAYS, "IN THE EVENT OF LOSS OF CONSCIOUSNESS, SAY, "LIVE

IT SAYS, "IN THE EVENT OF LOSS OF CONSCIOUSNESS, SAY, "LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S

OF CONSCIOUSNESS, SAY, "LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S 'SATURDAY NIGHT.'"

FROM NEW YORK, IT'S 'SATURDAY NIGHT.'" All: LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S

'SATURDAY NIGHT.'" All: LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S "SATURDAY NIGHT"!

All: LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S "SATURDAY NIGHT"! AAH!

"SATURDAY NIGHT"! AAH! AH!

AAH! AH! TAPE ROLL!

AH! TAPE ROLL! [BAND PLAYS]

Announcer: NBC's "SATURDAY NIGHT." STARRING...

WITH HER SPECIAL GUEST...

AND...

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, SISSY SPACEK!

THANK YOU, THANK YOU. IT'S REALLY GREAT TO BE HERE TONIGHT.

IT'S REALLY GREAT TO BE HERE TONIGHT. GOD, I CAN HARDLY BELIEVE IT.

TONIGHT. GOD, I CAN HARDLY BELIEVE IT. I COME FROM A REALLY SMALL TOWN

GOD, I CAN HARDLY BELIEVE IT. I COME FROM A REALLY SMALL TOWN IN TEXAS CALLED QUITMAN.

I COME FROM A REALLY SMALL TOWN IN TEXAS CALLED QUITMAN. POPULATION... 1,237.

IN TEXAS CALLED QUITMAN. POPULATION... 1,237. OH, AND MY BACKGROUND DIDN'T

POPULATION... 1,237. OH, AND MY BACKGROUND DIDN'T PREPARE ME FOR A NIGHT LIKE

OH, AND MY BACKGROUND DIDN'T PREPARE ME FOR A NIGHT LIKE THIS.

PREPARE ME FOR A NIGHT LIKE THIS. THESE PAST FEW MONTHS HAVE BEEN

THIS. THESE PAST FEW MONTHS HAVE BEEN INCREDIBLE.

THESE PAST FEW MONTHS HAVE BEEN INCREDIBLE. I'M DOING MY FIRST LIVE TV SHOW.

INCREDIBLE. I'M DOING MY FIRST LIVE TV SHOW. I GOT TO BE ON THE COVER OF

I'M DOING MY FIRST LIVE TV SHOW. I GOT TO BE ON THE COVER OF NEWSWEEK MAGAZINE.

I GOT TO BE ON THE COVER OF NEWSWEEK MAGAZINE. AND I'VE BEEN NOMINATED FOR AN

NEWSWEEK MAGAZINE. AND I'VE BEEN NOMINATED FOR AN ACADEMY AWARD FOR MY WORK IN THE

AND I'VE BEEN NOMINATED FOR AN ACADEMY AWARD FOR MY WORK IN THE FILM "CARRIE."

ACADEMY AWARD FOR MY WORK IN THE FILM "CARRIE." [APPLAUSE]

THANK YOU. WHEN I FOUND OUT ABOUT THE NOMINATION, I CALLED THE ACADEMY

WHEN I FOUND OUT ABOUT THE NOMINATION, I CALLED THE ACADEMY TO BE SURE THERE HADN'T BEEN A

NOMINATION, I CALLED THE ACADEMY TO BE SURE THERE HADN'T BEEN A MISTAKE, AND THEY SAID, NO,

TO BE SURE THERE HADN'T BEEN A MISTAKE, AND THEY SAID, NO, THERE HADN'T BEEN A MISTAKE.

MISTAKE, AND THEY SAID, NO, THERE HADN'T BEEN A MISTAKE. AND THE OTHER NOMINEES WERE

THERE HADN'T BEEN A MISTAKE. AND THE OTHER NOMINEES WERE LIV ULLMANN,

AND THE OTHER NOMINEES WERE LIV ULLMANN, MARIE-CHRISTINE BARRAULT,

LIV ULLMANN, MARIE-CHRISTINE BARRAULT, TALIA SHIRE, AND FAYE DUNAWAY.

MARIE-CHRISTINE BARRAULT, TALIA SHIRE, AND FAYE DUNAWAY. AND I SAID, "IF I COME, CAN I

TALIA SHIRE, AND FAYE DUNAWAY. AND I SAID, "IF I COME, CAN I KEEP THE PROGRAM?"

AND I SAID, "IF I COME, CAN I KEEP THE PROGRAM?" BUT I DO HAVE A LITTLE SPEECH.

KEEP THE PROGRAM?" BUT I DO HAVE A LITTLE SPEECH. AND WITH THINGS BEING THE WAY

BUT I DO HAVE A LITTLE SPEECH. AND WITH THINGS BEING THE WAY THEY ARE, I MIGHT NOT GET A

AND WITH THINGS BEING THE WAY THEY ARE, I MIGHT NOT GET A CHANCE TO DELIVER IT ON OSCAR

THEY ARE, I MIGHT NOT GET A CHANCE TO DELIVER IT ON OSCAR NIGHT, SO... I WANT TO THANK MY

CHANCE TO DELIVER IT ON OSCAR NIGHT, SO... I WANT TO THANK MY MOTHER, MY FATHER, MY BROTHER,

NIGHT, SO... I WANT TO THANK MY MOTHER, MY FATHER, MY BROTHER, ED, MY HUSBAND, JACK, MY

MOTHER, MY FATHER, MY BROTHER, ED, MY HUSBAND, JACK, MY DIRECTOR, BRIAN DE PALMA, MY

ED, MY HUSBAND, JACK, MY DIRECTOR, BRIAN DE PALMA, MY YOGA TEACHER, MY DENTIST, AND

DIRECTOR, BRIAN DE PALMA, MY YOGA TEACHER, MY DENTIST, AND EVERYONE ELSE WHO HELPED ME ON

YOGA TEACHER, MY DENTIST, AND EVERYONE ELSE WHO HELPED ME ON MY SHORT CLIMB TO THE TOP.

EVERYONE ELSE WHO HELPED ME ON MY SHORT CLIMB TO THE TOP. OH, AND BEFORE I FORGET, I

MY SHORT CLIMB TO THE TOP. OH, AND BEFORE I FORGET, I WANT TO SAY TO THE ACADEMY

OH, AND BEFORE I FORGET, I WANT TO SAY TO THE ACADEMY MEMBERS... NOT TO INFLUENCE YOUR

WANT TO SAY TO THE ACADEMY MEMBERS... NOT TO INFLUENCE YOUR VOTE OR ANYTHING, BUT WHEN THE

MEMBERS... NOT TO INFLUENCE YOUR VOTE OR ANYTHING, BUT WHEN THE BALLOTS GO OUT ON MONDAY...

VOTE OR ANYTHING, BUT WHEN THE BALLOTS GO OUT ON MONDAY... JUST REMEMBER, MY BEST SCENE WAS

BALLOTS GO OUT ON MONDAY... JUST REMEMBER, MY BEST SCENE WAS CUT FROM "CARRIE."

JUST REMEMBER, MY BEST SCENE WAS CUT FROM "CARRIE." AND I'D LIKE TO, IF I CAN,

CUT FROM "CARRIE." AND I'D LIKE TO, IF I CAN, RE-CREATE THAT SCENE FOR YOU NOW

AND I'D LIKE TO, IF I CAN, RE-CREATE THAT SCENE FOR YOU NOW TO GIVE YOU MORE OF AN IDEA OF

RE-CREATE THAT SCENE FOR YOU NOW TO GIVE YOU MORE OF AN IDEA OF MY FULL TALENT.

TO GIVE YOU MORE OF AN IDEA OF MY FULL TALENT. IT'S THE DAY AFTER THE PROM.

MY FULL TALENT. IT'S THE DAY AFTER THE PROM. [MUSIC PLAYS]

IT'S THE DAY AFTER THE PROM. [MUSIC PLAYS] MOST OF THE KIDS AREN'T AROUND

[MUSIC PLAYS] MOST OF THE KIDS AREN'T AROUND ANYMORE.

MOST OF THE KIDS AREN'T AROUND ANYMORE. I'M ALONE ON A FIELD, A FOOTBALL

ANYMORE. I'M ALONE ON A FIELD, A FOOTBALL FIELD.

I'M ALONE ON A FIELD, A FOOTBALL FIELD. IT'S THE DAY OF THE BIG GAME.

FIELD. IT'S THE DAY OF THE BIG GAME. AND I'VE ELECTED MYSELF...

IT'S THE DAY OF THE BIG GAME. AND I'VE ELECTED MYSELF... OOPS!

AND I'VE ELECTED MYSELF... OOPS! BATON QUEEN!

OOPS! BATON QUEEN! [WHISTLE BLOWS]

BATON QUEEN! [WHISTLE BLOWS] [MARCHING BAND PLAYS]

[RHYTHMIC CLAPPING]

[MUSIC ENDS] WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK!

All: ♪ HMM ♪ ♪ HOLD THE LETTUCE, HOLD THE CHEESES ♪

♪ HOLD THE LETTUCE, HOLD THE CHEESES ♪ ♪ SPECIAL ORDERS

HOLD THE CHEESES ♪ ♪ SPECIAL ORDERS DON'T DISPLEASE US ♪

♪ SPECIAL ORDERS DON'T DISPLEASE US ♪ I'D LIKE A BURGER,

DON'T DISPLEASE US ♪ I'D LIKE A BURGER, MEDIUM-RARE.

I'D LIKE A BURGER, MEDIUM-RARE. COULD YOU PUT GRILLED ONIONS ON

MEDIUM-RARE. COULD YOU PUT GRILLED ONIONS ON THAT BUT NO PICKLES?

COULD YOU PUT GRILLED ONIONS ON THAT BUT NO PICKLES? AND IF IT'S NOT TOO MUCH

THAT BUT NO PICKLES? AND IF IT'S NOT TOO MUCH TROUBLE, WOULD YOU MIND POURING

AND IF IT'S NOT TOO MUCH TROUBLE, WOULD YOU MIND POURING SOME COLOMBIAN FROG BLOOD

TROUBLE, WOULD YOU MIND POURING SOME COLOMBIAN FROG BLOOD ALL OVER IT, PLEASE?

SOME COLOMBIAN FROG BLOOD ALL OVER IT, PLEASE? NO TROUBLE AT ALL!

ALL OVER IT, PLEASE? NO TROUBLE AT ALL! [SHRIEKING]

NO TROUBLE AT ALL! [SHRIEKING] ♪ HMM ♪

[SHRIEKING] ♪ HMM ♪ All: ♪ BURGERS ANY WAY

♪ HMM ♪ All: ♪ BURGERS ANY WAY YOU WANT 'EM ♪

All: ♪ BURGERS ANY WAY YOU WANT 'EM ♪ ♪ YOU TELL US

YOU WANT 'EM ♪ ♪ YOU TELL US WHAT'S OFF OR ON 'EM ♪

♪ YOU TELL US WHAT'S OFF OR ON 'EM ♪ HI, I'D LIKE A BURGER,

WHAT'S OFF OR ON 'EM ♪ HI, I'D LIKE A BURGER, WELL-DONE, PUT A LITTLE RELISH

HI, I'D LIKE A BURGER, WELL-DONE, PUT A LITTLE RELISH ON IT, SOME COLD-WATER

WELL-DONE, PUT A LITTLE RELISH ON IT, SOME COLD-WATER DETERGENT, AND IF IT'S NOT TOO

ON IT, SOME COLD-WATER DETERGENT, AND IF IT'S NOT TOO MUCH OF A PROBLEM, WOULD YOU

DETERGENT, AND IF IT'S NOT TOO MUCH OF A PROBLEM, WOULD YOU MIND BLOWING YOUR NOSE ON THE

MUCH OF A PROBLEM, WOULD YOU MIND BLOWING YOUR NOSE ON THE BUN?

MIND BLOWING YOUR NOSE ON THE BUN? COMIN' UP!

BUN? COMIN' UP! [BLOWS NOSE LOUDLY]

COMIN' UP! [BLOWS NOSE LOUDLY] ♪ HMM ♪

[BLOWS NOSE LOUDLY] ♪ HMM ♪ All: ♪ DRIVE THROUGH

♪ HMM ♪ All: ♪ DRIVE THROUGH BURGER MASTER AND SEE ♪

All: ♪ DRIVE THROUGH BURGER MASTER AND SEE ♪ ♪ BURGERS PLAIN

BURGER MASTER AND SEE ♪ ♪ BURGERS PLAIN AND BURGERS FANCY ♪

♪ BURGERS PLAIN AND BURGERS FANCY ♪ HEY, I'D LIKE A BURGER.

AND BURGERS FANCY ♪ HEY, I'D LIKE A BURGER. HEY, ANYTHING ON THAT?

HEY, I'D LIKE A BURGER. HEY, ANYTHING ON THAT? WHY, YES... A USED HAIRNET,

HEY, ANYTHING ON THAT? WHY, YES... A USED HAIRNET, MOTH CRYSTALS, OLD RADIO PARTS,

WHY, YES... A USED HAIRNET, MOTH CRYSTALS, OLD RADIO PARTS, CONFETTI, COLE SLAW, A CATNIP

MOTH CRYSTALS, OLD RADIO PARTS, CONFETTI, COLE SLAW, A CATNIP MOUSE, AND THE ENTIRE CONTENTS

CONFETTI, COLE SLAW, A CATNIP MOUSE, AND THE ENTIRE CONTENTS OF A LAVA LAMP.

MOUSE, AND THE ENTIRE CONTENTS OF A LAVA LAMP. YOU'RE THE BOSS!

OF A LAVA LAMP. YOU'RE THE BOSS! Announcer: YES, AT

YOU'RE THE BOSS! Announcer: YES, AT BURGER MASTER, YOU'RE THE BOSS.

Announcer: YES, AT BURGER MASTER, YOU'RE THE BOSS. BURGERS THE WAY YOU LIKE 'EM AT

BURGER MASTER, YOU'RE THE BOSS. BURGERS THE WAY YOU LIKE 'EM AT PRICES THAT'LL MAKE YOU WONDER

BURGERS THE WAY YOU LIKE 'EM AT PRICES THAT'LL MAKE YOU WONDER WHERE WE GET OUR MEAT.

PRICES THAT'LL MAKE YOU WONDER WHERE WE GET OUR MEAT. SO, WHY NOT DROP DOWN TO

WHERE WE GET OUR MEAT. SO, WHY NOT DROP DOWN TO BURGER MASTER TODAY?

SO, WHY NOT DROP DOWN TO BURGER MASTER TODAY? OH, RIGHT.

BURGER MASTER TODAY? OH, RIGHT. HERE THEY ARE, SIR... 50

OH, RIGHT. HERE THEY ARE, SIR... 50 BURGERS, EACH PREPARED IN THEIR

HERE THEY ARE, SIR... 50 BURGERS, EACH PREPARED IN THEIR OWN SPECIAL WAY.

BURGERS, EACH PREPARED IN THEIR OWN SPECIAL WAY. OH, ONE MORE THING.

OWN SPECIAL WAY. OH, ONE MORE THING. WOULD YOU MIND JUMPING UP AND

OH, ONE MORE THING. WOULD YOU MIND JUMPING UP AND DOWN ON THEM UNTIL THEY'RE

WOULD YOU MIND JUMPING UP AND DOWN ON THEM UNTIL THEY'RE MASHED INTO A DISGUSTING PULP?

DOWN ON THEM UNTIL THEY'RE MASHED INTO A DISGUSTING PULP? NO TROUBLE AT ALL!

MASHED INTO A DISGUSTING PULP? NO TROUBLE AT ALL! All: ♪ AT BURGER MASTER, YOU

NO TROUBLE AT ALL! All: ♪ AT BURGER MASTER, YOU ARE THE BOSS ♪

All: ♪ AT BURGER MASTER, YOU ARE THE BOSS ♪ ♪ AT BURGER MASTER, YOU ARE THE

ARE THE BOSS ♪ ♪ AT BURGER MASTER, YOU ARE THE BOSS ♪

♪ AT BURGER MASTER, YOU ARE THE BOSS ♪ ♪ AT BURGER MASTER, YOU ARE THE

BOSS ♪ ♪ AT BURGER MASTER, YOU ARE THE BOSS ♪

♪ AT BURGER MASTER, YOU ARE THE BOSS ♪ ♪ AT BURGER MASTER, YOU ARE THE

BOSS ♪ ♪ AT BURGER MASTER, YOU ARE THE BOSS ♪

♪ AT BURGER MASTER, YOU ARE THE BOSS ♪ [BAND PLAYS]

Announcer: AND NOW, LIVE FROM THE WHITE HOUSE, "ASK PRESIDENT CARTER."

THE WHITE HOUSE, "ASK PRESIDENT CARTER." [As Walter Cronkite]

"ASK PRESIDENT CARTER." [As Walter Cronkite] GOOD EVENING AND WELCOME TO

[As Walter Cronkite] GOOD EVENING AND WELCOME TO NUMBER 10 IN THE CBS RADIO

GOOD EVENING AND WELCOME TO NUMBER 10 IN THE CBS RADIO SERIES "ASK PRESIDENT CARTER," A

NUMBER 10 IN THE CBS RADIO SERIES "ASK PRESIDENT CARTER," A CONTINUING EXPERIMENT IN

SERIES "ASK PRESIDENT CARTER," A CONTINUING EXPERIMENT IN PRESIDENTIAL COMMUNICATION WITH

CONTINUING EXPERIMENT IN PRESIDENTIAL COMMUNICATION WITH THE AMERICAN PEOPLE.

PRESIDENTIAL COMMUNICATION WITH THE AMERICAN PEOPLE. MR. PRESIDENT, OUR FIRST CALL

THE AMERICAN PEOPLE. MR. PRESIDENT, OUR FIRST CALL THIS WEEK COMES FROM

MR. PRESIDENT, OUR FIRST CALL THIS WEEK COMES FROM MRS. EDWARD HOBRET, OR MAYBE

THIS WEEK COMES FROM MRS. EDWARD HOBRET, OR MAYBE IT'S HOBREET.

MRS. EDWARD HOBRET, OR MAYBE IT'S HOBREET. [Echoing] THAT'S HORBET!

IT'S HOBREET. [Echoing] THAT'S HORBET! MRS. EDWARD HORBET, EXCUSE

[Echoing] THAT'S HORBET! MRS. EDWARD HORBET, EXCUSE ME, OF KANSAS.

MRS. EDWARD HORBET, EXCUSE ME, OF KANSAS. HELLO, MRS. HORBET.

ME, OF KANSAS. HELLO, MRS. HORBET. HELLO, MR. PRESIDENT.

HELLO, MRS. HORBET. HELLO, MR. PRESIDENT. HOW ARE YOU TODAY?

HELLO, MR. PRESIDENT. HOW ARE YOU TODAY? VERY FINE.

HOW ARE YOU TODAY? VERY FINE. COULD YOU TURN YOUR RADIO DOWN,

VERY FINE. COULD YOU TURN YOUR RADIO DOWN, PLEASE?

COULD YOU TURN YOUR RADIO DOWN, PLEASE? OH, YES.

PLEASE? OH, YES. MRS. HOBERTH, DO YOU HAVE A

OH, YES. MRS. HOBERTH, DO YOU HAVE A QUESTION FOR THE PRESIDENT?

MRS. HOBERTH, DO YOU HAVE A QUESTION FOR THE PRESIDENT? YES, SIR, I'M AN EMPLOYEE OF

QUESTION FOR THE PRESIDENT? YES, SIR, I'M AN EMPLOYEE OF THE U.S. POSTAL SERVICE IN

YES, SIR, I'M AN EMPLOYEE OF THE U.S. POSTAL SERVICE IN KANSAS.

THE U.S. POSTAL SERVICE IN KANSAS. LAST YEAR, THEY INSTALLED AN

KANSAS. LAST YEAR, THEY INSTALLED AN AUTOMATED LETTER-SORTING SYSTEM

LAST YEAR, THEY INSTALLED AN AUTOMATED LETTER-SORTING SYSTEM CALLED THE MARVEX 3000 HERE IN

AUTOMATED LETTER-SORTING SYSTEM CALLED THE MARVEX 3000 HERE IN OUR BRANCH.

CALLED THE MARVEX 3000 HERE IN OUR BRANCH. YES.

OUR BRANCH. YES. BUT THE SYSTEM DOESN'T WORK

YES. BUT THE SYSTEM DOESN'T WORK TOO GOOD.

BUT THE SYSTEM DOESN'T WORK TOO GOOD. LETTERS KEEP GETTING CLOGGED IN

TOO GOOD. LETTERS KEEP GETTING CLOGGED IN THE FIRST-LEVEL SORTING GRID.

LETTERS KEEP GETTING CLOGGED IN THE FIRST-LEVEL SORTING GRID. IS THERE ANYTHING THAT CAN BE

THE FIRST-LEVEL SORTING GRID. IS THERE ANYTHING THAT CAN BE DONE ABOUT THIS?

IS THERE ANYTHING THAT CAN BE DONE ABOUT THIS? WELL, MRS. HORBET, VICE

DONE ABOUT THIS? WELL, MRS. HORBET, VICE PRESIDENT MONDALE AND MYSELF

WELL, MRS. HORBET, VICE PRESIDENT MONDALE AND MYSELF WERE JUST TALKING ABOUT THE

PRESIDENT MONDALE AND MYSELF WERE JUST TALKING ABOUT THE MARVEX 3000 THIS MORNING, AS A

WERE JUST TALKING ABOUT THE MARVEX 3000 THIS MORNING, AS A MATTER OF FACT.

MARVEX 3000 THIS MORNING, AS A MATTER OF FACT. I DO HAVE A SUGGESTION.

MATTER OF FACT. I DO HAVE A SUGGESTION. YOU KNOW THE CALIPER POST ON THE

I DO HAVE A SUGGESTION. YOU KNOW THE CALIPER POST ON THE FIRST GRID'S SLIDING ARMATURE?

YOU KNOW THE CALIPER POST ON THE FIRST GRID'S SLIDING ARMATURE? OKAY, THERE'S A THREE-DIGIT

FIRST GRID'S SLIDING ARMATURE? OKAY, THERE'S A THREE-DIGIT SETTING THERE WHERE THE POST AND

OKAY, THERE'S A THREE-DIGIT SETTING THERE WHERE THE POST AND THE ARMATURE MEET.

SETTING THERE WHERE THE POST AND THE ARMATURE MEET. WHEN THE SYSTEM WAS INSTALLED,

THE ARMATURE MEET. WHEN THE SYSTEM WAS INSTALLED, THE ANGLE OF CROSS-SLIDE WAS PUT

WHEN THE SYSTEM WAS INSTALLED, THE ANGLE OF CROSS-SLIDE WAS PUT AT A MAXIMUM SETTING OF 1.

THE ANGLE OF CROSS-SLIDE WAS PUT AT A MAXIMUM SETTING OF 1. IF YOU RESET IT AT THE 3 MARK,

AT A MAXIMUM SETTING OF 1. IF YOU RESET IT AT THE 3 MARK, I THINK YOU'LL SOLVE ANY

IF YOU RESET IT AT THE 3 MARK, I THINK YOU'LL SOLVE ANY CLOGGING PROBLEMS IN THE

I THINK YOU'LL SOLVE ANY CLOGGING PROBLEMS IN THE MACHINE.

CLOGGING PROBLEMS IN THE MACHINE. OH! THANKS, MR. PRESIDENT.

MACHINE. OH! THANKS, MR. PRESIDENT. BY THE WAY, I THINK YOU'RE DOING

OH! THANKS, MR. PRESIDENT. BY THE WAY, I THINK YOU'RE DOING A GREAT JOB.

BY THE WAY, I THINK YOU'RE DOING A GREAT JOB. LOOKS LIKE YOU'VE BEEN DOING

A GREAT JOB. LOOKS LIKE YOU'VE BEEN DOING YOUR HOMEWORK, MR. PRESIDENT.

LOOKS LIKE YOU'VE BEEN DOING YOUR HOMEWORK, MR. PRESIDENT. I'D LIKE TO TAKE THIS

YOUR HOMEWORK, MR. PRESIDENT. I'D LIKE TO TAKE THIS OPPORTUNITY TO SAY THAT NONE OF

I'D LIKE TO TAKE THIS OPPORTUNITY TO SAY THAT NONE OF THESE CALLS ARE SCREENED, THAT

OPPORTUNITY TO SAY THAT NONE OF THESE CALLS ARE SCREENED, THAT THE PEOPLE OF AMERICA ARE

THESE CALLS ARE SCREENED, THAT THE PEOPLE OF AMERICA ARE TALKING DIRECTLY WITH THE

THE PEOPLE OF AMERICA ARE TALKING DIRECTLY WITH THE PRESIDENT.

TALKING DIRECTLY WITH THE PRESIDENT. OUR NEXT CALL COMES FROM A MAN

PRESIDENT. OUR NEXT CALL COMES FROM A MAN WHO CALLS HIMSELF DR. MIDNIGHT.

OUR NEXT CALL COMES FROM A MAN WHO CALLS HIMSELF DR. MIDNIGHT. HELLO, DR. MIDNIGHT.

WHO CALLS HIMSELF DR. MIDNIGHT. HELLO, DR. MIDNIGHT. [Shouting] IS ROSELYN

HELLO, DR. MIDNIGHT. [Shouting] IS ROSELYN THERE?!

[Shouting] IS ROSELYN THERE?! I REALLY LIKE HER!

THERE?! I REALLY LIKE HER! ALL RIGHT, SIR, THANK YOU

I REALLY LIKE HER! ALL RIGHT, SIR, THANK YOU VERY MUCH FOR CALLING.

ALL RIGHT, SIR, THANK YOU VERY MUCH FOR CALLING. HEY, CRONKITE, YOU STUPID

VERY MUCH FOR CALLING. HEY, CRONKITE, YOU STUPID MOTHER...

HEY, CRONKITE, YOU STUPID MOTHER... NICE ONE, MR. PRESIDENT.

MOTHER... NICE ONE, MR. PRESIDENT. HA HA.

NICE ONE, MR. PRESIDENT. HA HA. OUR NEXT CALL IS PETER ELTON

HA HA. OUR NEXT CALL IS PETER ELTON OF WESTBURG, OREGON, WHO I AM

OUR NEXT CALL IS PETER ELTON OF WESTBURG, OREGON, WHO I AM TOLD IS 17 YEARS OF AGE.

OF WESTBURG, OREGON, WHO I AM TOLD IS 17 YEARS OF AGE. HELLO? HELLO?

TOLD IS 17 YEARS OF AGE. HELLO? HELLO? HELLO, PETER.

HELLO? HELLO? HELLO, PETER. IS THIS THE PRESIDENT?

HELLO, PETER. IS THIS THE PRESIDENT? YES, IT IS.

IS THIS THE PRESIDENT? YES, IT IS. DO YOU HAVE A QUESTION FOR

YES, IT IS. DO YOU HAVE A QUESTION FOR THE PRESIDENT?

DO YOU HAVE A QUESTION FOR THE PRESIDENT? I, UH, I TOOK SOME ACID.

THE PRESIDENT? I, UH, I TOOK SOME ACID. I'M AFRAID TO LEAVE MY

I, UH, I TOOK SOME ACID. I'M AFRAID TO LEAVE MY APARTMENT, AND I CAN'T WEAR ANY

I'M AFRAID TO LEAVE MY APARTMENT, AND I CAN'T WEAR ANY CLOTHES.

APARTMENT, AND I CAN'T WEAR ANY CLOTHES. AND THE CEILING IS DRIPPING, AND

CLOTHES. AND THE CEILING IS DRIPPING, AND UH, I...

AND THE CEILING IS DRIPPING, AND UH, I... WELL, THANK YOU VERY MUCH FOR

UH, I... WELL, THANK YOU VERY MUCH FOR CALLING, SIR.

WELL, THANK YOU VERY MUCH FOR CALLING, SIR. NO, JUST A MINUTE, WALTER.

CALLING, SIR. NO, JUST A MINUTE, WALTER. THIS GUY'S IN TROUBLE.

NO, JUST A MINUTE, WALTER. THIS GUY'S IN TROUBLE. I THINK I BETTER TRY TO TALK HIM

THIS GUY'S IN TROUBLE. I THINK I BETTER TRY TO TALK HIM DOWN.

I THINK I BETTER TRY TO TALK HIM DOWN. PETER?

DOWN. PETER? YEAH?

PETER? YEAH? PETER, WHAT DID THE ACID LOOK

YEAH? PETER, WHAT DID THE ACID LOOK LIKE?

PETER, WHAT DID THE ACID LOOK LIKE? UM, THEY WERE THESE LITTLE

LIKE? UM, THEY WERE THESE LITTLE ORANGE PILLS.

UM, THEY WERE THESE LITTLE ORANGE PILLS. WERE THEY BARREL-SHAPED?

ORANGE PILLS. WERE THEY BARREL-SHAPED? UH, YES.

WERE THEY BARREL-SHAPED? UH, YES. OKAY, RIGHT, YOU DID SOME

UH, YES. OKAY, RIGHT, YOU DID SOME ORANGE SUNSHINE, PETER.

OKAY, RIGHT, YOU DID SOME ORANGE SUNSHINE, PETER. VERY GOOD OF YOU TO KNOW

ORANGE SUNSHINE, PETER. VERY GOOD OF YOU TO KNOW ABOUT THIS.

VERY GOOD OF YOU TO KNOW ABOUT THIS. HOW LONG AGO DID YOU TAKE IT,

ABOUT THIS. HOW LONG AGO DID YOU TAKE IT, PETER?

HOW LONG AGO DID YOU TAKE IT, PETER? I DON'T KNOW.

PETER? I DON'T KNOW. I CAN'T READ MY WATCH.

I DON'T KNOW. I CAN'T READ MY WATCH. ALL RIGHT, PETER, JUST

I CAN'T READ MY WATCH. ALL RIGHT, PETER, JUST LISTEN.

ALL RIGHT, PETER, JUST LISTEN. EVERYTHING'S GONNA BE FINE.

LISTEN. EVERYTHING'S GONNA BE FINE. YOU'RE VERY HIGH RIGHT NOW.

EVERYTHING'S GONNA BE FINE. YOU'RE VERY HIGH RIGHT NOW. YOU'LL PROBABLY BE THAT WAY FOR

YOU'RE VERY HIGH RIGHT NOW. YOU'LL PROBABLY BE THAT WAY FOR ABOUT FIVE MORE HOURS.

YOU'LL PROBABLY BE THAT WAY FOR ABOUT FIVE MORE HOURS. TRY TAKING SOME VITAMIN-B

ABOUT FIVE MORE HOURS. TRY TAKING SOME VITAMIN-B COMPLEX, VITAMIN-C COMPLEX.

TRY TAKING SOME VITAMIN-B COMPLEX, VITAMIN-C COMPLEX. IF YOU HAVE A BEER, GO AHEAD AND

COMPLEX, VITAMIN-C COMPLEX. IF YOU HAVE A BEER, GO AHEAD AND DRINK IT.

IF YOU HAVE A BEER, GO AHEAD AND DRINK IT. JUST REMEMBER, YOU'RE A LIVING

DRINK IT. JUST REMEMBER, YOU'RE A LIVING ORGANISM ON THIS PLANET, AND

JUST REMEMBER, YOU'RE A LIVING ORGANISM ON THIS PLANET, AND YOU'RE VERY SAFE... YOU'VE JUST

ORGANISM ON THIS PLANET, AND YOU'RE VERY SAFE... YOU'VE JUST TAKEN A HEAVY DRUG.

YOU'RE VERY SAFE... YOU'VE JUST TAKEN A HEAVY DRUG. NOW, JUST RELAX, STAY INSIDE,

TAKEN A HEAVY DRUG. NOW, JUST RELAX, STAY INSIDE, AND LISTEN TO SOME MUSIC, OKAY?

NOW, JUST RELAX, STAY INSIDE, AND LISTEN TO SOME MUSIC, OKAY? DO YOU HAVE ANY ALLMAN BROTHERS?

AND LISTEN TO SOME MUSIC, OKAY? DO YOU HAVE ANY ALLMAN BROTHERS? YEAH, YEAH, I DO, SIR.

DO YOU HAVE ANY ALLMAN BROTHERS? YEAH, YEAH, I DO, SIR. EVERYTHING'S OKAY, HUH, JIMMY?

YEAH, YEAH, I DO, SIR. EVERYTHING'S OKAY, HUH, JIMMY? IT SURE IS, PETER.

EVERYTHING'S OKAY, HUH, JIMMY? IT SURE IS, PETER. YOU KNOW, I'M AGAINST DRUG USE

IT SURE IS, PETER. YOU KNOW, I'M AGAINST DRUG USE MYSELF, BUT I'M NOT GONNA LAY

YOU KNOW, I'M AGAINST DRUG USE MYSELF, BUT I'M NOT GONNA LAY THAT ON YOU RIGHT NOW.

MYSELF, BUT I'M NOT GONNA LAY THAT ON YOU RIGHT NOW. JUST MELLOW OUT THE BEST YOU

THAT ON YOU RIGHT NOW. JUST MELLOW OUT THE BEST YOU CAN, OKAY?

JUST MELLOW OUT THE BEST YOU CAN, OKAY? OKAY.

CAN, OKAY? OKAY. OKAY.

OKAY. OKAY. WELL DONE, MR. PRESIDENT.

OKAY. WELL DONE, MR. PRESIDENT. BRAVO.

WELL DONE, MR. PRESIDENT. BRAVO. WALTER, I'LL CALL PETER BACK

BRAVO. WALTER, I'LL CALL PETER BACK ON MONDAY TO SEE IF HE GOT DOWN

WALTER, I'LL CALL PETER BACK ON MONDAY TO SEE IF HE GOT DOWN OKAY.

ON MONDAY TO SEE IF HE GOT DOWN OKAY. WELL, WE HAVE ONE MORE PHONE

OKAY. WELL, WE HAVE ONE MORE PHONE CALL, THE FINAL PHONE CALL FROM

WELL, WE HAVE ONE MORE PHONE CALL, THE FINAL PHONE CALL FROM MR. JOHN SMITH OF

CALL, THE FINAL PHONE CALL FROM MR. JOHN SMITH OF SAN LUIS OBISPO, CALIFORNIA.

MR. JOHN SMITH OF SAN LUIS OBISPO, CALIFORNIA. HELLO, JOHN.

SAN LUIS OBISPO, CALIFORNIA. HELLO, JOHN. [As Richard Nixon]

HELLO, JOHN. [As Richard Nixon] HELLO, MR. PRESIDENT.

[As Richard Nixon] HELLO, MR. PRESIDENT. I JUST WANTED TO SAY THAT I

HELLO, MR. PRESIDENT. I JUST WANTED TO SAY THAT I THINK YOU'RE DOING A GREAT JOB.

I JUST WANTED TO SAY THAT I THINK YOU'RE DOING A GREAT JOB. THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

THINK YOU'RE DOING A GREAT JOB. THANK YOU VERY MUCH. I, MYSELF, WAS EMPLOYED AT

THANK YOU VERY MUCH. I, MYSELF, WAS EMPLOYED AT THE WHITE HOUSE FOR SEVERAL

I, MYSELF, WAS EMPLOYED AT THE WHITE HOUSE FOR SEVERAL YEARS DURING THE NIXON

THE WHITE HOUSE FOR SEVERAL YEARS DURING THE NIXON ADMINISTRATION.

YEARS DURING THE NIXON ADMINISTRATION. AND WHILE I WAS WORKING THERE, I

ADMINISTRATION. AND WHILE I WAS WORKING THERE, I FORGOT SOMETHING ON THE

AND WHILE I WAS WORKING THERE, I FORGOT SOMETHING ON THE PREMISES.

FORGOT SOMETHING ON THE PREMISES. YES. WHAT WAS IT?

PREMISES. YES. WHAT WAS IT? WELL, YOU KNOW THE

YES. WHAT WAS IT? WELL, YOU KNOW THE FRANKLIN DELANO ROOSEVELT CHEST

WELL, YOU KNOW THE FRANKLIN DELANO ROOSEVELT CHEST OF DRAWERS IN YOUR BEDROOM?

FRANKLIN DELANO ROOSEVELT CHEST OF DRAWERS IN YOUR BEDROOM? YES, I DO.

OF DRAWERS IN YOUR BEDROOM? YES, I DO. CHECK THE BOTTOM DRAWER.

YES, I DO. CHECK THE BOTTOM DRAWER. YOU'LL FIND AN ENVELOPE TAPED TO

CHECK THE BOTTOM DRAWER. YOU'LL FIND AN ENVELOPE TAPED TO THE BOTTOM.

YOU'LL FIND AN ENVELOPE TAPED TO THE BOTTOM. THERE'S SEVERAL THOUSAND DOLLARS

THE BOTTOM. THERE'S SEVERAL THOUSAND DOLLARS IN SMALL BILLS IN IT.

THERE'S SEVERAL THOUSAND DOLLARS IN SMALL BILLS IN IT. PLEASE SEND IT TO ME...

IN SMALL BILLS IN IT. PLEASE SEND IT TO ME... JOHN SMITH, CARE OF GENERAL

PLEASE SEND IT TO ME... JOHN SMITH, CARE OF GENERAL DELIVERY, SAN CLEMENTE,

JOHN SMITH, CARE OF GENERAL DELIVERY, SAN CLEMENTE, CALIFORNIA.

DELIVERY, SAN CLEMENTE, CALIFORNIA. I SURELY WILL. THANK YOU.

CALIFORNIA. I SURELY WILL. THANK YOU. WELL, THANK YOU,

I SURELY WILL. THANK YOU. WELL, THANK YOU, MR. PRESIDENT.

WELL, THANK YOU, MR. PRESIDENT. OUR TIME IS UP FOR THIS WEEK.

MR. PRESIDENT. OUR TIME IS UP FOR THIS WEEK. BUT LET ME REMIND YOU THAT IT IS

OUR TIME IS UP FOR THIS WEEK. BUT LET ME REMIND YOU THAT IT IS NOW TIME TO BUY YOUR TICKETS FOR

BUT LET ME REMIND YOU THAT IT IS NOW TIME TO BUY YOUR TICKETS FOR THE FIRST AMERICAN "I SLEPT AT

NOW TIME TO BUY YOUR TICKETS FOR THE FIRST AMERICAN "I SLEPT AT THE WHITE HOUSE" LOTTERY ON SALE

THE FIRST AMERICAN "I SLEPT AT THE WHITE HOUSE" LOTTERY ON SALE AT FEDERAL OFFICE BUILDINGS

THE WHITE HOUSE" LOTTERY ON SALE AT FEDERAL OFFICE BUILDINGS EVERYWHERE.

AT FEDERAL OFFICE BUILDINGS EVERYWHERE. THE TICKETS ARE ONLY A $1,

EVERYWHERE. THE TICKETS ARE ONLY A $1, AND MAYBE SOMEBODY OUT THERE

THE TICKETS ARE ONLY A $1, AND MAYBE SOMEBODY OUT THERE WILL WIN AN ALL-EXPENSE-PAID

AND MAYBE SOMEBODY OUT THERE WILL WIN AN ALL-EXPENSE-PAID TRIP TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH US

WILL WIN AN ALL-EXPENSE-PAID TRIP TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH US HERE IN WASHINGTON.

TRIP TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH US HERE IN WASHINGTON. GOOD NIGHT.

HERE IN WASHINGTON. GOOD NIGHT. GOOD NIGHT.

GOOD NIGHT. GOOD NIGHT. THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

THANK YOU, MR. PRESIDENT. THAT'S A WRAP. WELL, THAT WAS OKAY, WORKED

THAT'S A WRAP. WELL, THAT WAS OKAY, WORKED OUT OKAY.

WELL, THAT WAS OKAY, WORKED OUT OKAY. YEAH, THAT WAS PRETTY GOOD.

OUT OKAY. YEAH, THAT WAS PRETTY GOOD. LET'S DO THAT AGAIN SOMETIME.

YEAH, THAT WAS PRETTY GOOD. LET'S DO THAT AGAIN SOMETIME. HELLO, AMY.

LET'S DO THAT AGAIN SOMETIME. HELLO, AMY. HI, DADDY.

HELLO, AMY. HI, DADDY. AMY LYNN, THIS IS

HI, DADDY. AMY LYNN, THIS IS MR. CRONKITE.

AMY LYNN, THIS IS MR. CRONKITE. HELLO, AMY.

MR. CRONKITE. HELLO, AMY. HONEY, I'M GONNA WALK

HELLO, AMY. HONEY, I'M GONNA WALK UNCLE WALTER OUT TO HIS CAR, AND

HONEY, I'M GONNA WALK UNCLE WALTER OUT TO HIS CAR, AND THEN I'LL COME BACK IN.

UNCLE WALTER OUT TO HIS CAR, AND THEN I'LL COME BACK IN. WE'LL HAVE SOME MILK AND COOKIES

THEN I'LL COME BACK IN. WE'LL HAVE SOME MILK AND COOKIES IN THE KITCHEN, OKAY?

WE'LL HAVE SOME MILK AND COOKIES IN THE KITCHEN, OKAY? MARY?

IN THE KITCHEN, OKAY? MARY? YES, MR. PRESIDENT?

MARY, WILL YOU MIND AMY TILL I GET BACK? THIS IS MR. CRONKITE.

GET BACK? THIS IS MR. CRONKITE. THIS IS AMY'S NANNY, MARY.

THIS IS MR. CRONKITE. THIS IS AMY'S NANNY, MARY. AH, YES, THE EX-CONVICT FROM

THIS IS AMY'S NANNY, MARY. AH, YES, THE EX-CONVICT FROM GEORGIA.

AH, YES, THE EX-CONVICT FROM GEORGIA. HELLO. PLEASED TO MEET YOU.

GEORGIA. HELLO. PLEASED TO MEET YOU. OKAY, FINE.

HELLO. PLEASED TO MEET YOU. OKAY, FINE. I'LL BE BACK IN A COUPLE OF

OKAY, FINE. I'LL BE BACK IN A COUPLE OF MINUTES.

I'LL BE BACK IN A COUPLE OF MINUTES. CHILD, YOUR FATHER SURE KNOWS

MINUTES. CHILD, YOUR FATHER SURE KNOWS HOW TO USE THE MEDIA.

CHILD, YOUR FATHER SURE KNOWS HOW TO USE THE MEDIA. COME ON, LET'S GO BACK AND GET

HOW TO USE THE MEDIA. COME ON, LET'S GO BACK AND GET SOME MILK AND COOKIES, ALL

COME ON, LET'S GO BACK AND GET SOME MILK AND COOKIES, ALL RIGHT?

SOME MILK AND COOKIES, ALL RIGHT? NANNY, IS IT TRUE YOU LIVED

RIGHT? NANNY, IS IT TRUE YOU LIVED IN THE STATE PRISON?

NANNY, IS IT TRUE YOU LIVED IN THE STATE PRISON? YES, CHILD, I MADE SOME

IN THE STATE PRISON? YES, CHILD, I MADE SOME MISTAKES, I HAD SOME BAD BREAKS.

YES, CHILD, I MADE SOME MISTAKES, I HAD SOME BAD BREAKS. NANNY, YOU'RE NICE.

MISTAKES, I HAD SOME BAD BREAKS. NANNY, YOU'RE NICE. SO ARE YOU, SWEETHEART.

NANNY, YOU'RE NICE. SO ARE YOU, SWEETHEART. NANNY, CAN YOU TELL ME A

SO ARE YOU, SWEETHEART. NANNY, CAN YOU TELL ME A BEDTIME STORY?

NANNY, CAN YOU TELL ME A BEDTIME STORY? WHY, SURE.

BEDTIME STORY? WHY, SURE. COME ON, SIT ON MY KNEE.

WHY, SURE. COME ON, SIT ON MY KNEE. AHH...

COME ON, SIT ON MY KNEE. AHH... OKAY, NOW, THIS IS THE STORY OF

AHH... OKAY, NOW, THIS IS THE STORY OF GOLDILOCKS AND THE THREE BEARS.

OKAY, NOW, THIS IS THE STORY OF GOLDILOCKS AND THE THREE BEARS. IT WAS THE SUMMER OF '70.

GOLDILOCKS AND THE THREE BEARS. IT WAS THE SUMMER OF '70. AND AFTER JUST WORKING A LONG

IT WAS THE SUMMER OF '70. AND AFTER JUST WORKING A LONG TIME FOR THE STATE DEPARTMENT OF

AND AFTER JUST WORKING A LONG TIME FOR THE STATE DEPARTMENT OF AGRICULTURE, GOLDILOCKS FINALLY

TIME FOR THE STATE DEPARTMENT OF AGRICULTURE, GOLDILOCKS FINALLY GOT HER LETTERS FROM THE PAROLE

AGRICULTURE, GOLDILOCKS FINALLY GOT HER LETTERS FROM THE PAROLE BOARD.

GOT HER LETTERS FROM THE PAROLE BOARD. THE PAROLE BOARD?

BOARD. THE PAROLE BOARD? YEAH, YOU SEE, SHE JUST DONE

THE PAROLE BOARD? YEAH, YOU SEE, SHE JUST DONE THE BIG QUINCE DOWNSTATE FOR

YEAH, YOU SEE, SHE JUST DONE THE BIG QUINCE DOWNSTATE FOR WASTING SOME LOWLIFE CAT IN

THE BIG QUINCE DOWNSTATE FOR WASTING SOME LOWLIFE CAT IN GAINESVILLE, HONEY.

WASTING SOME LOWLIFE CAT IN GAINESVILLE, HONEY. THE BIG QUINCE?

GAINESVILLE, HONEY. THE BIG QUINCE? A QUINCY, FIVE BIG ONES, YOU

THE BIG QUINCE? A QUINCY, FIVE BIG ONES, YOU KNOW, YEARS.

A QUINCY, FIVE BIG ONES, YOU KNOW, YEARS. OH, YEAH, LIKE YOU BEEN

KNOW, YEARS. OH, YEAH, LIKE YOU BEEN LOCKED UP?

OH, YEAH, LIKE YOU BEEN LOCKED UP? THAT'S RIGHT. YEAH.

LOCKED UP? THAT'S RIGHT. YEAH. SO, THERE SHE IS, OUT OF THE

THAT'S RIGHT. YEAH. SO, THERE SHE IS, OUT OF THE JOINT, RIGHT, BACK ON THE STREET

SO, THERE SHE IS, OUT OF THE JOINT, RIGHT, BACK ON THE STREET WITH NOTHING BUT A STATE-OWNED

JOINT, RIGHT, BACK ON THE STREET WITH NOTHING BUT A STATE-OWNED PAIR OF JEANS.

WITH NOTHING BUT A STATE-OWNED PAIR OF JEANS. SO, SHE TAKES A BUS TO TAMPA.

PAIR OF JEANS. SO, SHE TAKES A BUS TO TAMPA. SHE GETS SOME HEAT FROM A

SO, SHE TAKES A BUS TO TAMPA. SHE GETS SOME HEAT FROM A FRIEND, RIGHT.

SHE GETS SOME HEAT FROM A FRIEND, RIGHT. SHE STEALS A CAR, AND THEN SHE

FRIEND, RIGHT. SHE STEALS A CAR, AND THEN SHE POPS A SUPERMARKET FOR SOME FREE

SHE STEALS A CAR, AND THEN SHE POPS A SUPERMARKET FOR SOME FREE EAGLES.

POPS A SUPERMARKET FOR SOME FREE EAGLES. SHE KNOCKED OFF A STORE FOR

EAGLES. SHE KNOCKED OFF A STORE FOR SOME MONEY?

SHE KNOCKED OFF A STORE FOR SOME MONEY? THAT'S RIGHT, HONEY, YEAH.

SOME MONEY? THAT'S RIGHT, HONEY, YEAH. THEN, SHE DRIVES NORTH OF TOWN,

THAT'S RIGHT, HONEY, YEAH. THEN, SHE DRIVES NORTH OF TOWN, RIGHT, INTO THE DARK, WET

THEN, SHE DRIVES NORTH OF TOWN, RIGHT, INTO THE DARK, WET EVERGLADES.

RIGHT, INTO THE DARK, WET EVERGLADES. DID SHE HAVE HER HIP WADERS

EVERGLADES. DID SHE HAVE HER HIP WADERS ON?

DID SHE HAVE HER HIP WADERS ON? WHY, YES, SHE DID.

ON? WHY, YES, SHE DID. ARE YOU SURE I HAVEN'T TOLD YOU

WHY, YES, SHE DID. ARE YOU SURE I HAVEN'T TOLD YOU THIS ONE BEFORE, BABY?

ARE YOU SURE I HAVEN'T TOLD YOU THIS ONE BEFORE, BABY? HMM?

THIS ONE BEFORE, BABY? HMM? WELL, ANYWAY, PRETTY SOON, SHE

HMM? WELL, ANYWAY, PRETTY SOON, SHE COMES UPON THIS SHACK SITTING

WELL, ANYWAY, PRETTY SOON, SHE COMES UPON THIS SHACK SITTING ON STILTS, RIGHT.

COMES UPON THIS SHACK SITTING ON STILTS, RIGHT. NOW, BY NOW, LITTLE GOLDILOCKS

ON STILTS, RIGHT. NOW, BY NOW, LITTLE GOLDILOCKS IS HUNGRIER THAN A PORPOISE AT

NOW, BY NOW, LITTLE GOLDILOCKS IS HUNGRIER THAN A PORPOISE AT MARINELAND, CHILD.

IS HUNGRIER THAN A PORPOISE AT MARINELAND, CHILD. MARINELAND?

MARINELAND, CHILD. MARINELAND? YEAH, IT'S LIKE A FISH ZOO,

MARINELAND? YEAH, IT'S LIKE A FISH ZOO, YOU KNOW.

YEAH, IT'S LIKE A FISH ZOO, YOU KNOW. SO, SHE PULLS HER PIECE, REMOVES

YOU KNOW. SO, SHE PULLS HER PIECE, REMOVES THE LOCK ON THE DOOR... BOOM,

SO, SHE PULLS HER PIECE, REMOVES THE LOCK ON THE DOOR... BOOM, BOOM.

THE LOCK ON THE DOOR... BOOM, BOOM. AND THEN, SHE GOES IN, AND SHE

BOOM. AND THEN, SHE GOES IN, AND SHE EATS THREE BOWLS OF HOT GATOR

AND THEN, SHE GOES IN, AND SHE EATS THREE BOWLS OF HOT GATOR SOUP.

EATS THREE BOWLS OF HOT GATOR SOUP. [CHOMPING]

SOUP. [CHOMPING] RIGHT, AND THEN SHE CRASHES FOR

[CHOMPING] RIGHT, AND THEN SHE CRASHES FOR THE NIGHT.

RIGHT, AND THEN SHE CRASHES FOR THE NIGHT. WHEN SHE FINISHES, SHE'S

THE NIGHT. WHEN SHE FINISHES, SHE'S LOOKING...

WHEN SHE FINISHES, SHE'S LOOKING... RATHER, WHEN SHE WAKES UP, SHE'S

LOOKING... RATHER, WHEN SHE WAKES UP, SHE'S LOOKING RIGHT DOWN THERE,

RATHER, WHEN SHE WAKES UP, SHE'S LOOKING RIGHT DOWN THERE, STRAIGHT INTO THE TWIN BARRELS

LOOKING RIGHT DOWN THERE, STRAIGHT INTO THE TWIN BARRELS OF A 16-GAUGE SHOTGUN, HONEY.

STRAIGHT INTO THE TWIN BARRELS OF A 16-GAUGE SHOTGUN, HONEY. YOU SEE, WHAT SHE DONE WAS SHE

OF A 16-GAUGE SHOTGUN, HONEY. YOU SEE, WHAT SHE DONE WAS SHE BROKE INTO THE HOME OF THE

YOU SEE, WHAT SHE DONE WAS SHE BROKE INTO THE HOME OF THE THREE BEARS... MAMA BEAR,

BROKE INTO THE HOME OF THE THREE BEARS... MAMA BEAR, CLEOFUS BEAR, AND WINSTON BEAR,

THREE BEARS... MAMA BEAR, CLEOFUS BEAR, AND WINSTON BEAR, YOU KNOW?

CLEOFUS BEAR, AND WINSTON BEAR, YOU KNOW? BUT LUCKILY, SHE HAD BEEN IN THE

YOU KNOW? BUT LUCKILY, SHE HAD BEEN IN THE JOINT WITH WINSTON'S OLD LADY,

BUT LUCKILY, SHE HAD BEEN IN THE JOINT WITH WINSTON'S OLD LADY, AND CLEOFUS GOT HER A JOB AS AN

JOINT WITH WINSTON'S OLD LADY, AND CLEOFUS GOT HER A JOB AS AN AMBULANCE DISPATCHER IN MIAMI,

AND CLEOFUS GOT HER A JOB AS AN AMBULANCE DISPATCHER IN MIAMI, BABY.

AMBULANCE DISPATCHER IN MIAMI, BABY. [Imitating Mary] DON'T YOU

BABY. [Imitating Mary] DON'T YOU TELL ME NONE OF THAT BULLWASH

[Imitating Mary] DON'T YOU TELL ME NONE OF THAT BULLWASH FAIRY-TALE JIVE, HONEY.

TELL ME NONE OF THAT BULLWASH FAIRY-TALE JIVE, HONEY. I KNOW THE GOLDILOCKS STORY

FAIRY-TALE JIVE, HONEY. I KNOW THE GOLDILOCKS STORY DON'T GO NO PLACE LIKE FLORIDA.

I KNOW THE GOLDILOCKS STORY DON'T GO NO PLACE LIKE FLORIDA. I KNOW IT GO DOWN SOME PLACE

DON'T GO NO PLACE LIKE FLORIDA. I KNOW IT GO DOWN SOME PLACE LIKE BAVARIA OR GERMANY OR SOME

I KNOW IT GO DOWN SOME PLACE LIKE BAVARIA OR GERMANY OR SOME PLACE LIKE THAT.

LIKE BAVARIA OR GERMANY OR SOME PLACE LIKE THAT. NO, HONEY, YOU THINKIN' ABOUT

PLACE LIKE THAT. NO, HONEY, YOU THINKIN' ABOUT "HANSEL & GRETEL."

NO, HONEY, YOU THINKIN' ABOUT "HANSEL & GRETEL." [Normal voice] OH, YEAH, I

"HANSEL & GRETEL." [Normal voice] OH, YEAH, I FORGOT.

[Normal voice] OH, YEAH, I FORGOT. YEAH.

FORGOT. YEAH. I DON'T KNOW.

YEAH. I DON'T KNOW. FOR A CHILD YOUR AGE, YOU'RE

I DON'T KNOW. FOR A CHILD YOUR AGE, YOU'RE GETTING MIGHTY STREETWISE.

FOR A CHILD YOUR AGE, YOU'RE GETTING MIGHTY STREETWISE. COME ON, LET'S GO GET SOME

GETTING MIGHTY STREETWISE. COME ON, LET'S GO GET SOME COOKIES AND MILK.

COME ON, LET'S GO GET SOME COOKIES AND MILK. OKAY.

GOOD EVENING AND WELCOME TO "HOW YOUR CHILDREN GROW." I'M JANE CURTIN, AND MY GUEST

"HOW YOUR CHILDREN GROW." I'M JANE CURTIN, AND MY GUEST TONIGHT IS ONE OF AMERICA'S

I'M JANE CURTIN, AND MY GUEST TONIGHT IS ONE OF AMERICA'S FOREMOST AUTHORITIES ON LEARNING

TONIGHT IS ONE OF AMERICA'S FOREMOST AUTHORITIES ON LEARNING DISABILITIES, DR. ALAN ROSS.

FOREMOST AUTHORITIES ON LEARNING DISABILITIES, DR. ALAN ROSS. FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO ARE NOT

DISABILITIES, DR. ALAN ROSS. FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO ARE NOT FAMILIAR WITH DR. ROSS' WORK, HE

FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO ARE NOT FAMILIAR WITH DR. ROSS' WORK, HE HAS JUST BEEN AWARDED A

FAMILIAR WITH DR. ROSS' WORK, HE HAS JUST BEEN AWARDED A $7 MILLION GRANT, WITH WHICH HE

HAS JUST BEEN AWARDED A $7 MILLION GRANT, WITH WHICH HE WILL OPEN THE ROSS FOUNDATION IN

$7 MILLION GRANT, WITH WHICH HE WILL OPEN THE ROSS FOUNDATION IN ROCHESTER, MINNESOTA.

WILL OPEN THE ROSS FOUNDATION IN ROCHESTER, MINNESOTA. ISN'T THAT TRUE, DOCTOR?

ROCHESTER, MINNESOTA. ISN'T THAT TRUE, DOCTOR? THAT'S TRUE.

ISN'T THAT TRUE, DOCTOR? THAT'S TRUE. YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT.

THAT'S TRUE. YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT. IN DOING MY OWN RESEARCH ON

YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT. IN DOING MY OWN RESEARCH ON WHAT YOU DO, SIR, I LEARNED THAT

IN DOING MY OWN RESEARCH ON WHAT YOU DO, SIR, I LEARNED THAT MANY PEOPLE WHO WORK WITH

WHAT YOU DO, SIR, I LEARNED THAT MANY PEOPLE WHO WORK WITH CHILDREN POSSESSING LEARNING

MANY PEOPLE WHO WORK WITH CHILDREN POSSESSING LEARNING DIFFICULTIES AT ONE TIME HAD

CHILDREN POSSESSING LEARNING DIFFICULTIES AT ONE TIME HAD SUCH A CONDITION.

DIFFICULTIES AT ONE TIME HAD SUCH A CONDITION. THAT'S TRUE.

SUCH A CONDITION. THAT'S TRUE. YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT.

THAT'S TRUE. YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT. I GUESS THAT WOULD MAKE ONE

YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT. I GUESS THAT WOULD MAKE ONE MORE EMPATHETIC TO THE PLIGHTS

I GUESS THAT WOULD MAKE ONE MORE EMPATHETIC TO THE PLIGHTS OF SUCH A CHILD.

MORE EMPATHETIC TO THE PLIGHTS OF SUCH A CHILD. THAT'S TRUE.

OF SUCH A CHILD. THAT'S TRUE. YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT.

THAT'S TRUE. YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT. AND I IMAGINE THAT IT DOESN'T

YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT. AND I IMAGINE THAT IT DOESN'T MATTER HOW BIG YOU ARE IN YOUR

AND I IMAGINE THAT IT DOESN'T MATTER HOW BIG YOU ARE IN YOUR FIELD, NO ONE'S IMMUNE, AS I

MATTER HOW BIG YOU ARE IN YOUR FIELD, NO ONE'S IMMUNE, AS I DISCOVERED THAT YOU YOURSELF,

FIELD, NO ONE'S IMMUNE, AS I DISCOVERED THAT YOU YOURSELF, DR. ROSS, HAD, AS A CHILD, A

DISCOVERED THAT YOU YOURSELF, DR. ROSS, HAD, AS A CHILD, A SEVERE LEARNING DISABILITY.

DR. ROSS, HAD, AS A CHILD, A SEVERE LEARNING DISABILITY. THAT'S TRUE.

SEVERE LEARNING DISABILITY. THAT'S TRUE. YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT.

THAT'S TRUE. YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT. AND I GUESS WE CAN SPEAK

YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT. AND I GUESS WE CAN SPEAK ABOUT IT.

AND I GUESS WE CAN SPEAK ABOUT IT. IT CERTAINLY IS NOTHING TO BE

ABOUT IT. IT CERTAINLY IS NOTHING TO BE ASHAMED OF.

IT CERTAINLY IS NOTHING TO BE ASHAMED OF. YOUR PROBLEM WAS CALLED

ASHAMED OF. YOUR PROBLEM WAS CALLED QUINTLEXIA.

YOUR PROBLEM WAS CALLED QUINTLEXIA. THAT'S TRUE.

QUINTLEXIA. THAT'S TRUE. YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT.

THAT'S TRUE. YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT. FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO ARE NOT

YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT. FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO ARE NOT FAMILIAR WITH THE TERM

FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO ARE NOT FAMILIAR WITH THE TERM "QUINTLEXIA," IT COMES FROM

FAMILIAR WITH THE TERM "QUINTLEXIA," IT COMES FROM THE PREFIX "QUINT," MEANING

"QUINTLEXIA," IT COMES FROM THE PREFIX "QUINT," MEANING "FIVE," AND "LEXIA" FROM THE

THE PREFIX "QUINT," MEANING "FIVE," AND "LEXIA" FROM THE GREEK ROOT "LEXUS," WHICH MEANS

"FIVE," AND "LEXIA" FROM THE GREEK ROOT "LEXUS," WHICH MEANS "WORDS."

GREEK ROOT "LEXUS," WHICH MEANS "WORDS." THEREFORE, ANYONE WHO IS

"WORDS." THEREFORE, ANYONE WHO IS AFFLICTED WITH QUINTLEXIA HAS

THEREFORE, ANYONE WHO IS AFFLICTED WITH QUINTLEXIA HAS THE ABILITY TO SPEAK ONLY FIVE

AFFLICTED WITH QUINTLEXIA HAS THE ABILITY TO SPEAK ONLY FIVE WORDS.

THE ABILITY TO SPEAK ONLY FIVE WORDS. DID I DESCRIBE IT CORRECTLY?

WORDS. DID I DESCRIBE IT CORRECTLY? THAT'S TRUE.

DID I DESCRIBE IT CORRECTLY? THAT'S TRUE. YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT.

THAT'S TRUE. YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT. NOW, AS I UNDERSTAND IT,

YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT. NOW, AS I UNDERSTAND IT, THEN, AS A CHILD, YOU ONLY KNEW

NOW, AS I UNDERSTAND IT, THEN, AS A CHILD, YOU ONLY KNEW FIVE WORDS.

THEN, AS A CHILD, YOU ONLY KNEW FIVE WORDS. THAT'S TRUE.

FIVE WORDS. THAT'S TRUE. YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT.

THAT'S TRUE. YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT. WHICH WORDS WERE THEY?

YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT. WHICH WORDS WERE THEY? THAT'S, TRUE, YOU'RE,

WHICH WORDS WERE THEY? THAT'S, TRUE, YOU'RE, ABSOLUTELY, RIGHT.

THAT'S, TRUE, YOU'RE, ABSOLUTELY, RIGHT. I GET THE IMPRESSION THAT YOU

ABSOLUTELY, RIGHT. I GET THE IMPRESSION THAT YOU STILL HAVE THIS CONDITION.

I GET THE IMPRESSION THAT YOU STILL HAVE THIS CONDITION. THAT'S TRUE.

STILL HAVE THIS CONDITION. THAT'S TRUE. YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT.

THAT'S TRUE. YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT. NOW, LET ME GET THIS

YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT. NOW, LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT.

NOW, LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT. YOU WENT TO HARVARD

STRAIGHT. YOU WENT TO HARVARD UNDERGRADUATE, GOT YOUR PhD

YOU WENT TO HARVARD UNDERGRADUATE, GOT YOUR PhD FROM DARTMOUTH, YOU'VE BEEN

UNDERGRADUATE, GOT YOUR PhD FROM DARTMOUTH, YOU'VE BEEN GIVEN A $7 MILLION GRANT TO

FROM DARTMOUTH, YOU'VE BEEN GIVEN A $7 MILLION GRANT TO BUILD A FOUNDATION, AND HAVE

GIVEN A $7 MILLION GRANT TO BUILD A FOUNDATION, AND HAVE BEEN TEACHING CHILDREN FOR CLOSE

BUILD A FOUNDATION, AND HAVE BEEN TEACHING CHILDREN FOR CLOSE TO 11 YEARS.

BEEN TEACHING CHILDREN FOR CLOSE TO 11 YEARS. AND YOUR ENTIRE VOCABULARY

TO 11 YEARS. AND YOUR ENTIRE VOCABULARY CONSISTS OF FIVE WORDS.

AND YOUR ENTIRE VOCABULARY CONSISTS OF FIVE WORDS. [Chuckling] THAT'S TRUE.

CONSISTS OF FIVE WORDS. [Chuckling] THAT'S TRUE. YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT.

[Chuckling] THAT'S TRUE. YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT. IT IS TRULY AMAZING THAT YOU

YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT. IT IS TRULY AMAZING THAT YOU HAVE OVERCOME SUCH A HANDICAP

IT IS TRULY AMAZING THAT YOU HAVE OVERCOME SUCH A HANDICAP AND HAVE ACCOMPLISHED SO MUCH.

HAVE OVERCOME SUCH A HANDICAP AND HAVE ACCOMPLISHED SO MUCH. THAT'S TRUE.

AND HAVE ACCOMPLISHED SO MUCH. THAT'S TRUE. YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT.

THAT'S TRUE. YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT. I GUESS IT JUST GOES TO SHOW

YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT. I GUESS IT JUST GOES TO SHOW WHAT A LAND OF OPPORTUNITY

I GUESS IT JUST GOES TO SHOW WHAT A LAND OF OPPORTUNITY AMERICA REALLY IS.

WHAT A LAND OF OPPORTUNITY AMERICA REALLY IS. THAT'S TRUE.

AMERICA REALLY IS. THAT'S TRUE. YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT.

THAT'S TRUE. YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT. YOU SLEEP IN A WEDDING GOWN,

YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT. YOU SLEEP IN A WEDDING GOWN, DON'T YOU?

YOU SLEEP IN A WEDDING GOWN, DON'T YOU? THAT'S TRUE.

DON'T YOU? THAT'S TRUE. YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT.

THAT'S TRUE. YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT. IS IT TRUE THAT YOU'RE

YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT. IS IT TRUE THAT YOU'RE WEARING UNDERWEAR MARKED

IS IT TRUE THAT YOU'RE WEARING UNDERWEAR MARKED "JANUARY"?

WEARING UNDERWEAR MARKED "JANUARY"? THAT'S TRUE.

"JANUARY"? THAT'S TRUE. YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT.

THAT'S TRUE. YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT. WELL, WE COULD GO ON LIKE

YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT. WELL, WE COULD GO ON LIKE THIS ALL NIGHT.

WELL, WE COULD GO ON LIKE THIS ALL NIGHT. THAT'S TRUE.

THIS ALL NIGHT. THAT'S TRUE. YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT.

THAT'S TRUE. YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT. OH, SHUT THE HELL UP!

YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT. OH, SHUT THE HELL UP! THANK YOU FOR JOINING US, AND

OH, SHUT THE HELL UP! THANK YOU FOR JOINING US, AND I URGE ALL OF YOU CONCERNED

THANK YOU FOR JOINING US, AND I URGE ALL OF YOU CONCERNED PARENTS TO READ DR. ROSS' NEW

I URGE ALL OF YOU CONCERNED PARENTS TO READ DR. ROSS' NEW BOOK...

PARENTS TO READ DR. ROSS' NEW BOOK... "THAT'S TRUE... YOU'RE

BOOK... "THAT'S TRUE... YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT."

"THAT'S TRUE... YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT." IT'S FASCINATING READING.

ABSOLUTELY RIGHT." IT'S FASCINATING READING. THAT'S TRUE.

IT'S FASCINATING READING. THAT'S TRUE. YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT.

THAT'S TRUE. YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT. GOOD NIGHT.

HI, I'M JOHN BELUSHI. I GUESS YOU'VE SEEN ME ON THE SHOW HERE.

I GUESS YOU'VE SEEN ME ON THE SHOW HERE. I'M ONE OF THE ACTORS.

SHOW HERE. I'M ONE OF THE ACTORS. THIS IS MY OFFICE.

I'M ONE OF THE ACTORS. THIS IS MY OFFICE. WELL, NBC HAS ALLOWED ME THIS

THIS IS MY OFFICE. WELL, NBC HAS ALLOWED ME THIS TIME TO MAKE A VERY PERSONAL

WELL, NBC HAS ALLOWED ME THIS TIME TO MAKE A VERY PERSONAL ANNOUNCEMENT.

TIME TO MAKE A VERY PERSONAL ANNOUNCEMENT. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, FANS,

ANNOUNCEMENT. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, FANS, FRIENDS, I'M ANNOUNCING AT THIS

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, FANS, FRIENDS, I'M ANNOUNCING AT THIS TIME THAT I AM RETIRING FROM

FRIENDS, I'M ANNOUNCING AT THIS TIME THAT I AM RETIRING FROM SHOW BUSINESS.

TIME THAT I AM RETIRING FROM SHOW BUSINESS. NOW, THIS WAS NOT A SUDDEN

SHOW BUSINESS. NOW, THIS WAS NOT A SUDDEN DECISION ON MY PART.

NOW, THIS WAS NOT A SUDDEN DECISION ON MY PART. I FEEL THAT THERE ARE OTHERS WHO

DECISION ON MY PART. I FEEL THAT THERE ARE OTHERS WHO CAN MAKE YOU LAUGH.

I FEEL THAT THERE ARE OTHERS WHO CAN MAKE YOU LAUGH. I KNOW THAT BECAUSE I USED TO BE

CAN MAKE YOU LAUGH. I KNOW THAT BECAUSE I USED TO BE ONE OF THEM.

I KNOW THAT BECAUSE I USED TO BE ONE OF THEM. I'M QUITTING THE BUSINESS

ONE OF THEM. I'M QUITTING THE BUSINESS BECAUSE I FEEL MY CONTRIBUTION

I'M QUITTING THE BUSINESS BECAUSE I FEEL MY CONTRIBUTION IS NOT ACTING.

BECAUSE I FEEL MY CONTRIBUTION IS NOT ACTING. MY CONTRIBUTION TO MANKIND IS

IS NOT ACTING. MY CONTRIBUTION TO MANKIND IS NOT TO BE AN ACTOR.

MY CONTRIBUTION TO MANKIND IS NOT TO BE AN ACTOR. MY TRUE DESTINY IS TO WIN THE

NOT TO BE AN ACTOR. MY TRUE DESTINY IS TO WIN THE OLYMPIC GOLD MEDAL IN THE

MY TRUE DESTINY IS TO WIN THE OLYMPIC GOLD MEDAL IN THE DECATHLON AT THE MOSCOW GAMES IN

OLYMPIC GOLD MEDAL IN THE DECATHLON AT THE MOSCOW GAMES IN 1980.

DECATHLON AT THE MOSCOW GAMES IN 1980. THE DECATHLON... 10 GRUELING

1980. THE DECATHLON... 10 GRUELING EVENTS... FROM THE 100 METERS

THE DECATHLON... 10 GRUELING EVENTS... FROM THE 100 METERS TO THE 1,500-METER RUN... THE

EVENTS... FROM THE 100 METERS TO THE 1,500-METER RUN... THE ULTIMATE TEST.

TO THE 1,500-METER RUN... THE ULTIMATE TEST. AND THE WINNER CAN TRULY BE

ULTIMATE TEST. AND THE WINNER CAN TRULY BE CALLED THE WORLD'S GREATEST

AND THE WINNER CAN TRULY BE CALLED THE WORLD'S GREATEST ATHLETE.

CALLED THE WORLD'S GREATEST ATHLETE. THAT IS MY DESTINY.

ATHLETE. THAT IS MY DESTINY. OF COURSE, I'LL HAVE TO QUIT THE

THAT IS MY DESTINY. OF COURSE, I'LL HAVE TO QUIT THE SHOW AND DEVOTE ALL OF MY TIME

OF COURSE, I'LL HAVE TO QUIT THE SHOW AND DEVOTE ALL OF MY TIME TO TRAINING.

SHOW AND DEVOTE ALL OF MY TIME TO TRAINING. UNFORTUNATELY, I HAVEN'T SAVED

TO TRAINING. UNFORTUNATELY, I HAVEN'T SAVED ANY MONEY FROM THIS SHOW TO LIVE

UNFORTUNATELY, I HAVEN'T SAVED ANY MONEY FROM THIS SHOW TO LIVE ON UNTIL THEN.

ANY MONEY FROM THIS SHOW TO LIVE ON UNTIL THEN. THAT'S WHY I'M SELLING THESE...

ON UNTIL THEN. THAT'S WHY I'M SELLING THESE... OLYMPIC GOLD COINS, WITH THE

THAT'S WHY I'M SELLING THESE... OLYMPIC GOLD COINS, WITH THE MASK OF COMEDY AND TRAGEDY ON

OLYMPIC GOLD COINS, WITH THE MASK OF COMEDY AND TRAGEDY ON ONE SIDE AND THE LIKENESS OF

MASK OF COMEDY AND TRAGEDY ON ONE SIDE AND THE LIKENESS OF MYSELF CLEARING THE HEIGHT OF

ONE SIDE AND THE LIKENESS OF MYSELF CLEARING THE HEIGHT OF 8'2" IN THE HIGH JUMP ON THE

MYSELF CLEARING THE HEIGHT OF 8'2" IN THE HIGH JUMP ON THE OTHER.

8'2" IN THE HIGH JUMP ON THE OTHER. [OLYMPICS THEME PLAYS]

OTHER. [OLYMPICS THEME PLAYS] NOW, WE ALL KNOW THAT THE

[OLYMPICS THEME PLAYS] NOW, WE ALL KNOW THAT THE RUSSIAN ATHLETES ARE SUPPORTED

NOW, WE ALL KNOW THAT THE RUSSIAN ATHLETES ARE SUPPORTED BY COMMUNIST MONEY.

RUSSIAN ATHLETES ARE SUPPORTED BY COMMUNIST MONEY. OLYMPIANS LIKE MYSELF ARE

BY COMMUNIST MONEY. OLYMPIANS LIKE MYSELF ARE SUPPORTED SOLELY BY

OLYMPIANS LIKE MYSELF ARE SUPPORTED SOLELY BY FREE-ENTERPRISE MONEY, YOUR

SUPPORTED SOLELY BY FREE-ENTERPRISE MONEY, YOUR MONEY.

FREE-ENTERPRISE MONEY, YOUR MONEY. THINK OF IT AS AN INVESTMENT, OR

MONEY. THINK OF IT AS AN INVESTMENT, OR A RIP-OFF, I DON'T CARE.

THINK OF IT AS AN INVESTMENT, OR A RIP-OFF, I DON'T CARE. BECAUSE FOR ONCE IN MY LIFE, I'M

A RIP-OFF, I DON'T CARE. BECAUSE FOR ONCE IN MY LIFE, I'M NOT GOING FOR THE LAUGH.

BECAUSE FOR ONCE IN MY LIFE, I'M NOT GOING FOR THE LAUGH. I'M GOING FOR THE GOLD.

NOT GOING FOR THE LAUGH. I'M GOING FOR THE GOLD. Announcer: SEND $5 TO...

I'M GOING FOR THE GOLD. Announcer: SEND $5 TO... SEE YOU IN MOSCOW IN 1980.

Announcer: SEND $5 TO... SEE YOU IN MOSCOW IN 1980. BE THERE.

SEE YOU IN MOSCOW IN 1980. BE THERE. TWO.

Announcer: AND NOW "WEEKEND UPDATE" WITH JANE CURTIN.

"WEEKEND UPDATE" WITH JANE CURTIN. BEFORE I BEGIN, LET ME JUST

JANE CURTIN. BEFORE I BEGIN, LET ME JUST SAY THAT MANY OF YOU HAVE

BEFORE I BEGIN, LET ME JUST SAY THAT MANY OF YOU HAVE WRITTEN IN, ASKING IF THAT NOISE

SAY THAT MANY OF YOU HAVE WRITTEN IN, ASKING IF THAT NOISE YOU HEAR IS A REAL TELETYPE

WRITTEN IN, ASKING IF THAT NOISE YOU HEAR IS A REAL TELETYPE MACHINE OR JUST A SOUND EFFECT.

YOU HEAR IS A REAL TELETYPE MACHINE OR JUST A SOUND EFFECT. THANK YOU FOR ASKING.

MACHINE OR JUST A SOUND EFFECT. THANK YOU FOR ASKING. WE APPRECIATE YOUR CONCERN.

THANK YOU FOR ASKING. WE APPRECIATE YOUR CONCERN. OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT...

WE APPRECIATE YOUR CONCERN. OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT... HUSTLER MAGAZINE PUBLISHER

OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT... HUSTLER MAGAZINE PUBLISHER LARRY FLYNT, OUT OF JAIL PENDING

HUSTLER MAGAZINE PUBLISHER LARRY FLYNT, OUT OF JAIL PENDING HIS OBSCENITY CHARGE, THIS WEEK

LARRY FLYNT, OUT OF JAIL PENDING HIS OBSCENITY CHARGE, THIS WEEK HIRED THE NEW YORK YANKEES FOR A

HIS OBSCENITY CHARGE, THIS WEEK HIRED THE NEW YORK YANKEES FOR A CENTERFOLD SPREAD IN HIS

HIRED THE NEW YORK YANKEES FOR A CENTERFOLD SPREAD IN HIS MAGAZINE.

CENTERFOLD SPREAD IN HIS MAGAZINE. MEMBERS OF THE BALL CLUB SHOWN

MAGAZINE. MEMBERS OF THE BALL CLUB SHOWN REHEARSING FOR THE UPCOMING

MEMBERS OF THE BALL CLUB SHOWN REHEARSING FOR THE UPCOMING PHOTO SESSION SAY IT'S THE

REHEARSING FOR THE UPCOMING PHOTO SESSION SAY IT'S THE BIGGEST THING TO HIT BASEBALL

PHOTO SESSION SAY IT'S THE BIGGEST THING TO HIT BASEBALL SINCE THE SUICIDE SQUEEZE

BIGGEST THING TO HIT BASEBALL SINCE THE SUICIDE SQUEEZE DEMONSTRATED HERE.

SINCE THE SUICIDE SQUEEZE DEMONSTRATED HERE. IN A SUDDEN POLICY SHIFT, "THE

DEMONSTRATED HERE. IN A SUDDEN POLICY SHIFT, "THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING

IN A SUDDEN POLICY SHIFT, "THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JOHNNY CARSON" WILL NOT BE

TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JOHNNY CARSON" WILL NOT BE BROADCAST LIVE STARTING NEXT

JOHNNY CARSON" WILL NOT BE BROADCAST LIVE STARTING NEXT WEEK, AS PREVIOUSLY ANNOUNCED.

BROADCAST LIVE STARTING NEXT WEEK, AS PREVIOUSLY ANNOUNCED. THE DECISION WAS BASED ON

WEEK, AS PREVIOUSLY ANNOUNCED. THE DECISION WAS BASED ON CALIFORNIA'S NEW EUTHANASIA LAW,

THE DECISION WAS BASED ON CALIFORNIA'S NEW EUTHANASIA LAW, WHICH STATES THAT A PROGRAM DOES

CALIFORNIA'S NEW EUTHANASIA LAW, WHICH STATES THAT A PROGRAM DOES NOT HAVE TO BE KEPT ALIVE BY

WHICH STATES THAT A PROGRAM DOES NOT HAVE TO BE KEPT ALIVE BY ARTIFICIAL MEANS AND HAS THE

NOT HAVE TO BE KEPT ALIVE BY ARTIFICIAL MEANS AND HAS THE RIGHT TO A DIGNIFIED DEATH.

ARTIFICIAL MEANS AND HAS THE RIGHT TO A DIGNIFIED DEATH. IN A SURPRISE ANNOUNCEMENT THIS

RIGHT TO A DIGNIFIED DEATH. IN A SURPRISE ANNOUNCEMENT THIS WEEK, LILLIAN CARTER SAID SHE

IN A SURPRISE ANNOUNCEMENT THIS WEEK, LILLIAN CARTER SAID SHE WILL MARRY HEAVYWEIGHT WRESTLER

WEEK, LILLIAN CARTER SAID SHE WILL MARRY HEAVYWEIGHT WRESTLER GORILLA KOWALSKI.

WILL MARRY HEAVYWEIGHT WRESTLER GORILLA KOWALSKI. THE 78-YEAR-OLD PRESIDENTIAL

GORILLA KOWALSKI. THE 78-YEAR-OLD PRESIDENTIAL MOTHER SAID SHE AND KOWALSKI MET

THE 78-YEAR-OLD PRESIDENTIAL MOTHER SAID SHE AND KOWALSKI MET WHEN SHE VISITED HIS TRAINING

MOTHER SAID SHE AND KOWALSKI MET WHEN SHE VISITED HIS TRAINING CAMP IN GEORGIA, WHERE THEY

WHEN SHE VISITED HIS TRAINING CAMP IN GEORGIA, WHERE THEY WRESTLED FOR PHOTOGRAPHERS.

CAMP IN GEORGIA, WHERE THEY WRESTLED FOR PHOTOGRAPHERS. SAID MISS LILLIAN, "I BEAT HIM

WRESTLED FOR PHOTOGRAPHERS. SAID MISS LILLIAN, "I BEAT HIM TWO OUT OF THREE FALLS, AND HE

SAID MISS LILLIAN, "I BEAT HIM TWO OUT OF THREE FALLS, AND HE PROPOSED ON THE SPOT."

TWO OUT OF THREE FALLS, AND HE PROPOSED ON THE SPOT." KOWALSKI, WHO WAS PREVIOUSLY

PROPOSED ON THE SPOT." KOWALSKI, WHO WAS PREVIOUSLY MARRIED TO ELEANOR ROOSEVELT,

KOWALSKI, WHO WAS PREVIOUSLY MARRIED TO ELEANOR ROOSEVELT, BESS TRUMAN, MAMIE EISENHOWER,

MARRIED TO ELEANOR ROOSEVELT, BESS TRUMAN, MAMIE EISENHOWER, AND ROSE KENNEDY SAID, "I JUST

BESS TRUMAN, MAMIE EISENHOWER, AND ROSE KENNEDY SAID, "I JUST CAN'T STAY AWAY FROM VERY OLD

AND ROSE KENNEDY SAID, "I JUST CAN'T STAY AWAY FROM VERY OLD LADIES WHO ARE RELATED TO

CAN'T STAY AWAY FROM VERY OLD LADIES WHO ARE RELATED TO PRESIDENTS."

LADIES WHO ARE RELATED TO PRESIDENTS." "WEEKEND UPDATE" WISHES THE

PRESIDENTS." "WEEKEND UPDATE" WISHES THE COUPLE ALL THE BEST.

"WEEKEND UPDATE" WISHES THE COUPLE ALL THE BEST. FRENCH OFFICIALS, STILL

COUPLE ALL THE BEST. FRENCH OFFICIALS, STILL CONCERNED OVER RECENT AIRPLANE

FRENCH OFFICIALS, STILL CONCERNED OVER RECENT AIRPLANE HIJACKINGS, STEPPED UP THEIR

CONCERNED OVER RECENT AIRPLANE HIJACKINGS, STEPPED UP THEIR AIRPORT-SURVEILLANCE PROCEDURES

HIJACKINGS, STEPPED UP THEIR AIRPORT-SURVEILLANCE PROCEDURES THIS WEEK AND CONVERTED

AIRPORT-SURVEILLANCE PROCEDURES THIS WEEK AND CONVERTED THE ARC DE TRIOMPHE INTO A VERY

THIS WEEK AND CONVERTED THE ARC DE TRIOMPHE INTO A VERY LARGE METAL DETECTOR.

THE ARC DE TRIOMPHE INTO A VERY LARGE METAL DETECTOR. PASSENGERS ARE SHOWN HERE BEING

LARGE METAL DETECTOR. PASSENGERS ARE SHOWN HERE BEING SCREENED FOR A CONCORDE FLIGHT

PASSENGERS ARE SHOWN HERE BEING SCREENED FOR A CONCORDE FLIGHT TO RIO DE JANEIRO.

SCREENED FOR A CONCORDE FLIGHT TO RIO DE JANEIRO. [ALARM SOUNDING]

TO RIO DE JANEIRO. [ALARM SOUNDING] [LAUGHTER]

[ALARM SOUNDING] [LAUGHTER] THE FOOD AND DRUG ADMINISTRATION

[LAUGHTER] THE FOOD AND DRUG ADMINISTRATION RELEASED A REPORT THIS WEEK THAT

THE FOOD AND DRUG ADMINISTRATION RELEASED A REPORT THIS WEEK THAT SAYS THAT THREE OUT OF FOUR

RELEASED A REPORT THIS WEEK THAT SAYS THAT THREE OUT OF FOUR DENTISTS RECOMMEND SUGARCOATED

SAYS THAT THREE OUT OF FOUR DENTISTS RECOMMEND SUGARCOATED GUM FOR THEIR PATIENTS WHO FEAR

DENTISTS RECOMMEND SUGARCOATED GUM FOR THEIR PATIENTS WHO FEAR CANCER.

GUM FOR THEIR PATIENTS WHO FEAR CANCER. AND IN A RELATED STORY, THE FOOD

CANCER. AND IN A RELATED STORY, THE FOOD AND DRUG ADMINISTRATION HAS

AND IN A RELATED STORY, THE FOOD AND DRUG ADMINISTRATION HAS ANNOUNCED THAT IN ADDITION TO

AND DRUG ADMINISTRATION HAS ANNOUNCED THAT IN ADDITION TO SACCHARINE, IT IS ALSO PLACING A

ANNOUNCED THAT IN ADDITION TO SACCHARINE, IT IS ALSO PLACING A BAN ON FLORENCE HENDERSON AND

SACCHARINE, IT IS ALSO PLACING A BAN ON FLORENCE HENDERSON AND DAVID HARTMAN, EFFECTIVE IN

BAN ON FLORENCE HENDERSON AND DAVID HARTMAN, EFFECTIVE IN JULY.

DAVID HARTMAN, EFFECTIVE IN JULY. AND NOW WITH A SPECIAL REMOTE,

JULY. AND NOW WITH A SPECIAL REMOTE, WE TAKE YOU LIVE TO

AND NOW WITH A SPECIAL REMOTE, WE TAKE YOU LIVE TO CORRESPONDENT LARAINE NEWMAN.

JANE, I'M STANDING HERE WITH

MUHAMMAD ALI, THE HEAVYWEIGHT

CHAMP OF THE WORLD.

RECENTLY, HE SAW THE MOVIE

"ROCKY," AND THE CHAMP HAS SOME

WORDS ABOUT IT.

YEAH, I AM THE CHAMP OF THE WORLD. TO ALL, THIS IS KNOWN.

WORLD. TO ALL, THIS IS KNOWN. NOW, LET'S TALK ABOUT THIS

TO ALL, THIS IS KNOWN. NOW, LET'S TALK ABOUT THIS TURKEY SYLVESTER STALLONE.

NOW, LET'S TALK ABOUT THIS TURKEY SYLVESTER STALLONE. TO GO MAKE A MOVIE AND CALL A

TURKEY SYLVESTER STALLONE. TO GO MAKE A MOVIE AND CALL A CHAMP "ROCKY"... SOME CALL IT

TO GO MAKE A MOVIE AND CALL A CHAMP "ROCKY"... SOME CALL IT GENIUS, BUT I CALLS IT COCKY.

CHAMP "ROCKY"... SOME CALL IT GENIUS, BUT I CALLS IT COCKY. SO, I DECIDED TO MOUNT A

GENIUS, BUT I CALLS IT COCKY. SO, I DECIDED TO MOUNT A COUNTERATTACK.

SO, I DECIDED TO MOUNT A COUNTERATTACK. I'M GONNA WRITE, PRODUCE,

COUNTERATTACK. I'M GONNA WRITE, PRODUCE, DIRECT, AND ACT IN "ON THE

I'M GONNA WRITE, PRODUCE, DIRECT, AND ACT IN "ON THE WATERFRONT," BUT I'LL REMAKE IT

DIRECT, AND ACT IN "ON THE WATERFRONT," BUT I'LL REMAKE IT IN BLACK, SO EVEN MARLON BRANDO

WATERFRONT," BUT I'LL REMAKE IT IN BLACK, SO EVEN MARLON BRANDO BETTER STEP BACK AS I PORTRAY

IN BLACK, SO EVEN MARLON BRANDO BETTER STEP BACK AS I PORTRAY THE YOUNG IRISH BOY KNOWN TO THE

BETTER STEP BACK AS I PORTRAY THE YOUNG IRISH BOY KNOWN TO THE WORLD AS TERRY MALLOY.

THE YOUNG IRISH BOY KNOWN TO THE WORLD AS TERRY MALLOY. WELL, THEN, MUHAMMAD, I GUESS

WORLD AS TERRY MALLOY. WELL, THEN, MUHAMMAD, I GUESS YOU MIGHT SAY THAT A BLACK,

WELL, THEN, MUHAMMAD, I GUESS YOU MIGHT SAY THAT A BLACK, IRISH MUSLIM IS WHAT YOU'LL

YOU MIGHT SAY THAT A BLACK, IRISH MUSLIM IS WHAT YOU'LL PORTRAY.

IRISH MUSLIM IS WHAT YOU'LL PORTRAY. AND AS YOU'RE THE CHAMP AT ALL

PORTRAY. AND AS YOU'RE THE CHAMP AT ALL YOU DO, I KNOW YOU'LL BE CHAMP

AND AS YOU'RE THE CHAMP AT ALL YOU DO, I KNOW YOU'LL BE CHAMP AT ACTING, TOO.

YOU DO, I KNOW YOU'LL BE CHAMP AT ACTING, TOO. YEAH, I'VE BEEN TRAINING REAL

AT ACTING, TOO. YEAH, I'VE BEEN TRAINING REAL HARD.

YEAH, I'VE BEEN TRAINING REAL HARD. AND WHEN MY TRAINING IS THROUGH,

HARD. AND WHEN MY TRAINING IS THROUGH, I TELL YOU EXACTLY WHAT I'M

AND WHEN MY TRAINING IS THROUGH, I TELL YOU EXACTLY WHAT I'M GONNA DO.

I TELL YOU EXACTLY WHAT I'M GONNA DO. I'M GONNA WHOP FRED WILLIAMSON.

GONNA DO. I'M GONNA WHOP FRED WILLIAMSON. THEN I'M GONNA WHOP

I'M GONNA WHOP FRED WILLIAMSON. THEN I'M GONNA WHOP O.J. SIMPSON.

THEN I'M GONNA WHOP O.J. SIMPSON. LeVAR BURTON, HE JUST CAME

O.J. SIMPSON. LeVAR BURTON, HE JUST CAME OUT, GONNA WATCH HIM, SEE WHAT

LeVAR BURTON, HE JUST CAME OUT, GONNA WATCH HIM, SEE WHAT HE'S ABOUT.

OUT, GONNA WATCH HIM, SEE WHAT HE'S ABOUT. THEN I'M GONNA WHOP HIM, TOO,

HE'S ABOUT. THEN I'M GONNA WHOP HIM, TOO, BEFORE I'M THROUGH.

THEN I'M GONNA WHOP HIM, TOO, BEFORE I'M THROUGH. YEAH, BUT RIGHT NOW, I'M

BEFORE I'M THROUGH. YEAH, BUT RIGHT NOW, I'M CASTING THIS MOVIE BECAUSE IT'S

YEAH, BUT RIGHT NOW, I'M CASTING THIS MOVIE BECAUSE IT'S CLOSE TO MY HEART, AND I NEED A

CASTING THIS MOVIE BECAUSE IT'S CLOSE TO MY HEART, AND I NEED A WOMAN TO PLAY A SPECIAL PART.

CLOSE TO MY HEART, AND I NEED A WOMAN TO PLAY A SPECIAL PART. SHE IS GONNA PLAY THE

WOMAN TO PLAY A SPECIAL PART. SHE IS GONNA PLAY THE GIRLFRIEND, SO SHE'S GOT TO BE

SHE IS GONNA PLAY THE GIRLFRIEND, SO SHE'S GOT TO BE RIGHT, 'CAUSE AS YOU REMEMBER,

GIRLFRIEND, SO SHE'S GOT TO BE RIGHT, 'CAUSE AS YOU REMEMBER, THE GIRLFRIEND WAS WHITE.

RIGHT, 'CAUSE AS YOU REMEMBER, THE GIRLFRIEND WAS WHITE. WELL, I'VE ALWAYS WONDERED

THE GIRLFRIEND WAS WHITE. WELL, I'VE ALWAYS WONDERED HOW IT WOULD BE TO BE STUNG BY

WELL, I'VE ALWAYS WONDERED HOW IT WOULD BE TO BE STUNG BY A BUTTERFLY WHO FLOATS LIKE A

HOW IT WOULD BE TO BE STUNG BY A BUTTERFLY WHO FLOATS LIKE A BEE.

A BUTTERFLY WHO FLOATS LIKE A BEE. THIS IS LARAINE NEWMAN

BEE. THIS IS LARAINE NEWMAN SIGNING OFF.

THIS IS LARAINE NEWMAN SIGNING OFF. BACK TO YOU, JANE.

SIGNING OFF. BACK TO YOU, JANE. A CORRECTION TO A STORY

BACK TO YOU, JANE. A CORRECTION TO A STORY RECENTLY REPORTED ON

A CORRECTION TO A STORY RECENTLY REPORTED ON "WEEKEND UPDATE"...

RECENTLY REPORTED ON "WEEKEND UPDATE"... LAST WEEK, WE INADVERTENTLY

"WEEKEND UPDATE"... LAST WEEK, WE INADVERTENTLY REPORTED THAT THE MUSLIM PROPHET

LAST WEEK, WE INADVERTENTLY REPORTED THAT THE MUSLIM PROPHET MUHAMMAD IS A BRAND OF CHOCOLATE

REPORTED THAT THE MUSLIM PROPHET MUHAMMAD IS A BRAND OF CHOCOLATE PUDDING.

MUHAMMAD IS A BRAND OF CHOCOLATE PUDDING. WELL, WE STAND CORRECTED.

PUDDING. WELL, WE STAND CORRECTED. WHAT WE MEANT TO SAY WAS THAT

WELL, WE STAND CORRECTED. WHAT WE MEANT TO SAY WAS THAT THE SOUND WAVES FROM THE

WHAT WE MEANT TO SAY WAS THAT THE SOUND WAVES FROM THE CONCORDE SST CAUSE CHILDREN'S

THE SOUND WAVES FROM THE CONCORDE SST CAUSE CHILDREN'S SEX GLANDS TO MATURE AT THE AGE

CONCORDE SST CAUSE CHILDREN'S SEX GLANDS TO MATURE AT THE AGE OF 3.

SEX GLANDS TO MATURE AT THE AGE OF 3. MARGARET TRUDEAU, WIFE OF

OF 3. MARGARET TRUDEAU, WIFE OF CANADIAN PRIME MINISTER

MARGARET TRUDEAU, WIFE OF CANADIAN PRIME MINISTER PIERRE ELLIOTT TRUDEAU, THIS

CANADIAN PRIME MINISTER PIERRE ELLIOTT TRUDEAU, THIS WEEK DENIED THAT SHE WAS HAVING

PIERRE ELLIOTT TRUDEAU, THIS WEEK DENIED THAT SHE WAS HAVING AN AFFAIR WITH MICK JAGGER OF

WEEK DENIED THAT SHE WAS HAVING AN AFFAIR WITH MICK JAGGER OF THE ROLLING STONES.

AN AFFAIR WITH MICK JAGGER OF THE ROLLING STONES. JAGGER ALSO DENIED THE RUMOR,

THE ROLLING STONES. JAGGER ALSO DENIED THE RUMOR, REPORTEDLY SAYING HE HASN'T

JAGGER ALSO DENIED THE RUMOR, REPORTEDLY SAYING HE HASN'T FOOLED AROUND WITH A CANADIAN

REPORTEDLY SAYING HE HASN'T FOOLED AROUND WITH A CANADIAN SINCE HE PLAYED WITH

FOOLED AROUND WITH A CANADIAN SINCE HE PLAYED WITH GUY LOMBARDO'S HORN SOME 15

SINCE HE PLAYED WITH GUY LOMBARDO'S HORN SOME 15 YEARS AGO.

GUY LOMBARDO'S HORN SOME 15 YEARS AGO. AND NOW WITH TONIGHT'S

YEARS AGO. AND NOW WITH TONIGHT'S COMMENTARY IS "UPDATE"

AND NOW WITH TONIGHT'S COMMENTARY IS "UPDATE" CORRESPONDENT EMILY LITELLA.

COMMENTARY IS "UPDATE" CORRESPONDENT EMILY LITELLA. WHY, THANK YOU, JANE.

CORRESPONDENT EMILY LITELLA. WHY, THANK YOU, JANE. I CAN'T WAIT TO HEAR THIS

WHY, THANK YOU, JANE. I CAN'T WAIT TO HEAR THIS GEM.

I CAN'T WAIT TO HEAR THIS GEM. WHAT'S ALL THIS FUSS I KEEP

GEM. WHAT'S ALL THIS FUSS I KEEP HEARING ABOUT ENDANGERED FECES?

[LAUGHTER]

NOW, THAT'S OUTRAGEOUS.

WHY ARE FECES ENDANGERED?

HOW COULD YOU POSSIBLY RUN OUT

OF SUCH A THING?

WHY, JUST LOOK AROUND YOU. YOU CAN SEE IT ALL OVER THE PLACE.

YOU CAN SEE IT ALL OVER THE PLACE. AND BESIDES, WHO WANTS TO SAVE

PLACE. AND BESIDES, WHO WANTS TO SAVE THAT, ANYWAY?

AND BESIDES, WHO WANTS TO SAVE THAT, ANYWAY? MY GOODNESS, WHERE WOULD WE KEEP

THAT, ANYWAY? MY GOODNESS, WHERE WOULD WE KEEP IT?

MY GOODNESS, WHERE WOULD WE KEEP IT? IT'S DANGEROUS, ESPECIALLY IN

IT? IT'S DANGEROUS, ESPECIALLY IN THE SUMMER.

IT'S DANGEROUS, ESPECIALLY IN THE SUMMER. THEN IT COULD REALLY HIT THE

THE SUMMER. THEN IT COULD REALLY HIT THE FAN.

THEN IT COULD REALLY HIT THE FAN. [LAUGHING]

WHAT'S SO FUNNY? OH, MY JOKE. OH, COME ON, MISS CURTIN, DIDN'T

OH, MY JOKE. OH, COME ON, MISS CURTIN, DIDN'T YOU EVER HEAR THAT ONE ABOUT

OH, COME ON, MISS CURTIN, DIDN'T YOU EVER HEAR THAT ONE ABOUT HITTING THE FAN?

YOU EVER HEAR THAT ONE ABOUT HITTING THE FAN? OH, COME ON, YOU OLD SHIKSA.

HITTING THE FAN? OH, COME ON, YOU OLD SHIKSA. [LAUGHTER]

OH, COME ON, YOU OLD SHIKSA. [LAUGHTER] WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?

[LAUGHTER] WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN? "SPECIES."

WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN? "SPECIES." WHAT'S THAT?

"SPECIES." WHAT'S THAT? SPECIES.

WHAT'S THAT? SPECIES. THE LIST OF ENDANGERED SPECIES.

SPECIES. THE LIST OF ENDANGERED SPECIES. NOT FECES.

THE LIST OF ENDANGERED SPECIES. NOT FECES. SPECIES.

NOT FECES. SPECIES. OHH.

SPECIES. OHH. OH, I MUST HAVE GOTTEN CARRIED

OHH. OH, I MUST HAVE GOTTEN CARRIED AWAY.

OH, I MUST HAVE GOTTEN CARRIED AWAY. NEVER MIND.

AWAY. NEVER MIND. [APPLAUSE]

NEVER MIND. [APPLAUSE] IT'S WEARING THIN, EMILY.

[APPLAUSE] IT'S WEARING THIN, EMILY. WHAT IS?

IT'S WEARING THIN, EMILY. WHAT IS? THE "NEVER MIND" THING.

WHAT IS? THE "NEVER MIND" THING. YOU'VE BEEN DOING IT FOR CLOSE

THE "NEVER MIND" THING. YOU'VE BEEN DOING IT FOR CLOSE TO TWO YEARS.

YOU'VE BEEN DOING IT FOR CLOSE TO TWO YEARS. AT FIRST, IT WAS CUTE, THEN IT

TO TWO YEARS. AT FIRST, IT WAS CUTE, THEN IT WAS TOLERABLE.

AT FIRST, IT WAS CUTE, THEN IT WAS TOLERABLE. NOW IT'S ANNOYING.

WAS TOLERABLE. NOW IT'S ANNOYING. WELL, I'M SORRY THAT YOU FEEL

NOW IT'S ANNOYING. WELL, I'M SORRY THAT YOU FEEL THAT WAY.

WELL, I'M SORRY THAT YOU FEEL THAT WAY. YOU'RE RUINING "UPDATE'S"

THAT WAY. YOU'RE RUINING "UPDATE'S" CREDIBILITY AS A RESPONSIBLE

YOU'RE RUINING "UPDATE'S" CREDIBILITY AS A RESPONSIBLE JOURNALIST.

CREDIBILITY AS A RESPONSIBLE JOURNALIST. OH, MY GOODNESS, MISS CURTIN,

JOURNALIST. OH, MY GOODNESS, MISS CURTIN, I WOULDN'T WANT TO DO ANYTHING

OH, MY GOODNESS, MISS CURTIN, I WOULDN'T WANT TO DO ANYTHING LIKE THAT.

I WOULDN'T WANT TO DO ANYTHING LIKE THAT. I'M SURE YOU WOULDN'T.

LIKE THAT. I'M SURE YOU WOULDN'T. SO, WHY DON'T YOU JUST QUIT

I'M SURE YOU WOULDN'T. SO, WHY DON'T YOU JUST QUIT "UPDATE" AND TRY YOUR HAND AT

SO, WHY DON'T YOU JUST QUIT "UPDATE" AND TRY YOUR HAND AT SOMETHING ELSE?

"UPDATE" AND TRY YOUR HAND AT SOMETHING ELSE? WE CAN GET ALONG FINE WITHOUT

SOMETHING ELSE? WE CAN GET ALONG FINE WITHOUT YOU.

WE CAN GET ALONG FINE WITHOUT YOU. PERHAPS YOU COULD...

YOU. PERHAPS YOU COULD... BITCH.

PERHAPS YOU COULD... BITCH. [LAUGHTER]

BITCH. [LAUGHTER] THAT'S OUR NEWS FOR TONIGHT.

[LAUGHTER] THAT'S OUR NEWS FOR TONIGHT. GOOD NIGHT AND HAVE A PLEASANT

THAT'S OUR NEWS FOR TONIGHT. GOOD NIGHT AND HAVE A PLEASANT TOMORROW.

AND NOW I'D LIKE TO INTRODUCE RICHARD BASKIN, SINGING A SONG HE WROTE FROM THE MOVIE

RICHARD BASKIN, SINGING A SONG HE WROTE FROM THE MOVIE "NASHVILLE."

HE WROTE FROM THE MOVIE "NASHVILLE." IT'S CALLED "ONE, I LOVE YOU."

"NASHVILLE." IT'S CALLED "ONE, I LOVE YOU." [APPLAUSE]

IT'S CALLED "ONE, I LOVE YOU." [APPLAUSE] ♪ WHEN I FEEL MY LIFE

[APPLAUSE] ♪ WHEN I FEEL MY LIFE PERISHING ♪

♪ WHEN I FEEL MY LIFE PERISHING ♪ ♪ I CALL YOU ON THE PHONE ♪

PERISHING ♪ ♪ I CALL YOU ON THE PHONE ♪ ♪ YOU ALWAYS FIX ME UP WHEN I

♪ I CALL YOU ON THE PHONE ♪ ♪ YOU ALWAYS FIX ME UP WHEN I GET BROKEN ♪

♪ YOU ALWAYS FIX ME UP WHEN I GET BROKEN ♪ ♪ 'CAUSE EVERY TIME THAT I GOT

GET BROKEN ♪ ♪ 'CAUSE EVERY TIME THAT I GOT HURT AND WENT OUT OF CONTROL ♪

♪ 'CAUSE EVERY TIME THAT I GOT HURT AND WENT OUT OF CONTROL ♪ ♪ YOU KNEW THE FEARS I FELT

HURT AND WENT OUT OF CONTROL ♪ ♪ YOU KNEW THE FEARS I FELT BEFORE I SPOKE THEM ♪

♪ YOU KNEW THE FEARS I FELT BEFORE I SPOKE THEM ♪ ♪ YOU TELL ME ONE, I LOVE YOU ♪

BEFORE I SPOKE THEM ♪ ♪ YOU TELL ME ONE, I LOVE YOU ♪ ♪ AND TWO, I'M THINKING OF YOU ♪

♪ YOU TELL ME ONE, I LOVE YOU ♪ ♪ AND TWO, I'M THINKING OF YOU ♪ ♪ THREE, I'LL NEVER LET YOU GO ♪

♪ AND TWO, I'M THINKING OF YOU ♪ ♪ THREE, I'LL NEVER LET YOU GO ♪ ♪ FOUR, I MISS YOU ♪

♪ THREE, I'LL NEVER LET YOU GO ♪ ♪ FOUR, I MISS YOU ♪ ♪ FIVE, I WANT TO KISS YOU ♪

♪ FOUR, I MISS YOU ♪ ♪ FIVE, I WANT TO KISS YOU ♪ ♪ SIX, I WON'T LEAVE YOU NO

♪ FIVE, I WANT TO KISS YOU ♪ ♪ SIX, I WON'T LEAVE YOU NO MORE ♪

♪ SIX, I WON'T LEAVE YOU NO MORE ♪ ♪ I FEEL MY TIME HERE

MORE ♪ ♪ I FEEL MY TIME HERE VANISHING ♪

♪ I FEEL MY TIME HERE VANISHING ♪ ♪ LIKE WAVES UPON THE SAND ♪

VANISHING ♪ ♪ LIKE WAVES UPON THE SAND ♪ ♪ WITH NOTHIN' TO REPLACE IT BUT

♪ LIKE WAVES UPON THE SAND ♪ ♪ WITH NOTHIN' TO REPLACE IT BUT INVENTION ♪

♪ WITH NOTHIN' TO REPLACE IT BUT INVENTION ♪ ♪ SO, I MAKE MY RHYMES, AND I

INVENTION ♪ ♪ SO, I MAKE MY RHYMES, AND I SING MY TUNES ♪

♪ SO, I MAKE MY RHYMES, AND I SING MY TUNES ♪ ♪ STILL, THEY DON'T UNDERSTAND ♪

SING MY TUNES ♪ ♪ STILL, THEY DON'T UNDERSTAND ♪ ♪ TO MAKE 'EM DANCE WAS NEVER MY

♪ STILL, THEY DON'T UNDERSTAND ♪ ♪ TO MAKE 'EM DANCE WAS NEVER MY INTENTION ♪

♪ TO MAKE 'EM DANCE WAS NEVER MY INTENTION ♪ ♪ AND, DARLIN', ONE, I LOVE

INTENTION ♪ ♪ AND, DARLIN', ONE, I LOVE YOU ♪

♪ AND, DARLIN', ONE, I LOVE YOU ♪ ♪ TWO, I'M THINKING OF YOU ♪

YOU ♪ ♪ TWO, I'M THINKING OF YOU ♪ ♪ THREE, I'LL NEVER LET YOU GO ♪

♪ TWO, I'M THINKING OF YOU ♪ ♪ THREE, I'LL NEVER LET YOU GO ♪ ♪ FOUR, I MISS YOU ♪

♪ THREE, I'LL NEVER LET YOU GO ♪ ♪ FOUR, I MISS YOU ♪ ♪ FIVE, I WANT TO KISS YOU ♪

♪ FOUR, I MISS YOU ♪ ♪ FIVE, I WANT TO KISS YOU ♪ ♪ SIX, I WON'T LEAVE YOU NO

♪ FIVE, I WANT TO KISS YOU ♪ ♪ SIX, I WON'T LEAVE YOU NO MORE ♪

♪ SIX, I WON'T LEAVE YOU NO MORE ♪ ♪ AND, DARLIN' ♪

MORE ♪ ♪ AND, DARLIN' ♪ ♪ ONE, I LOVE YOU ♪

♪ AND, DARLIN' ♪ ♪ ONE, I LOVE YOU ♪ ♪ TWO, I'M THINKING OF YOU ♪

♪ ONE, I LOVE YOU ♪ ♪ TWO, I'M THINKING OF YOU ♪ ♪ THREE, I'LL NEVER LET YOU GO ♪

♪ TWO, I'M THINKING OF YOU ♪ ♪ THREE, I'LL NEVER LET YOU GO ♪ ♪ AND FOUR, I MISS YOU ♪

♪ THREE, I'LL NEVER LET YOU GO ♪ ♪ AND FOUR, I MISS YOU ♪ ♪ FIVE, I WANT TO KISS YOU ♪

♪ AND FOUR, I MISS YOU ♪ ♪ FIVE, I WANT TO KISS YOU ♪ ♪ SIX, I WON'T LEAVE YOU NO

♪ FIVE, I WANT TO KISS YOU ♪ ♪ SIX, I WON'T LEAVE YOU NO MORE ♪

♪ SIX, I WON'T LEAVE YOU NO MORE ♪ ♪ AND, DARLIN', SIX, I WON'T

MORE ♪ ♪ AND, DARLIN', SIX, I WON'T LEAVE YOU NO MORE ♪

♪ AND, DARLIN', SIX, I WON'T LEAVE YOU NO MORE ♪ ♪ DARLIN', SIX, I WON'T LEAVE

LEAVE YOU NO MORE ♪ ♪ DARLIN', SIX, I WON'T LEAVE YOU NO MORE ♪

♪ DARLIN', SIX, I WON'T LEAVE YOU NO MORE ♪ [APPLAUSE]

AND NOW, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, I'D LIKE TO INTRODUCE TWO VERY FUNNY MEN, THE COMEDY

GENTLEMEN, I'D LIKE TO INTRODUCE TWO VERY FUNNY MEN, THE COMEDY TEAM OF FRANKEN AND DAVIS.

TWO VERY FUNNY MEN, THE COMEDY TEAM OF FRANKEN AND DAVIS. [APPLAUSE]

TEAM OF FRANKEN AND DAVIS. [APPLAUSE] THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

[APPLAUSE] THANK YOU VERY MUCH. THANK YOU, SISSY.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH. THANK YOU, SISSY. I UNDERSTAND YOU'RE GOING TO

THANK YOU, SISSY. I UNDERSTAND YOU'RE GOING TO IMPROVISE SOMETHING FOR US

I UNDERSTAND YOU'RE GOING TO IMPROVISE SOMETHING FOR US TONIGHT.

IMPROVISE SOMETHING FOR US TONIGHT. WELL, THAT'S RIGHT, SISSY.

TONIGHT. WELL, THAT'S RIGHT, SISSY. WE'RE GOING TO TAKE TWO

WELL, THAT'S RIGHT, SISSY. WE'RE GOING TO TAKE TWO SUGGESTIONS FROM YOU, THE

WE'RE GOING TO TAKE TWO SUGGESTIONS FROM YOU, THE AUDIENCE.

SUGGESTIONS FROM YOU, THE AUDIENCE. WE'RE GOING TO CONFER, OR

AUDIENCE. WE'RE GOING TO CONFER, OR HUDDLE, FOR ABOUT 10 SECONDS,

WE'RE GOING TO CONFER, OR HUDDLE, FOR ABOUT 10 SECONDS, AND THEN WE'RE GONNA PERFORM A

HUDDLE, FOR ABOUT 10 SECONDS, AND THEN WE'RE GONNA PERFORM A SCENE BASED ON THOSE SUGGESTIONS

AND THEN WE'RE GONNA PERFORM A SCENE BASED ON THOSE SUGGESTIONS RIGHT OFF THE TOP OF OUR...

SCENE BASED ON THOSE SUGGESTIONS RIGHT OFF THE TOP OF OUR... RIGHT OFF THE TOP OF OUR...

RIGHT OFF THE TOP OF OUR... RIGHT OFF THE TOP OF OUR... HEADS.

RIGHT OFF THE TOP OF OUR... HEADS. IT SOUNDS REALLY EXCITING.

HEADS. IT SOUNDS REALLY EXCITING. TAKE IT AWAY.

IT SOUNDS REALLY EXCITING. TAKE IT AWAY. THANK YOU VERY MUCH, SISSY.

TAKE IT AWAY. THANK YOU VERY MUCH, SISSY. OKAY, EVERYONE, WE NEED THE

THANK YOU VERY MUCH, SISSY. OKAY, EVERYONE, WE NEED THE NAME OF A PLACE WHERE PEOPLE

OKAY, EVERYONE, WE NEED THE NAME OF A PLACE WHERE PEOPLE MEET.

NAME OF A PLACE WHERE PEOPLE MEET. PITTSBURGH!

MEET. PITTSBURGH! [AUDIENCE SHOUTING

PITTSBURGH! [AUDIENCE SHOUTING SUGGESTIONS]

[AUDIENCE SHOUTING SUGGESTIONS] ALL RIGHT, UH...

[SUGGESTIONS] ALL RIGHT, UH... A DOCTOR'S OFFICE.

ALL RIGHT, UH... A DOCTOR'S OFFICE. I HEARD THAT.

A DOCTOR'S OFFICE. I HEARD THAT. AND NOW WE NEED A PROFESSION.

I HEARD THAT. AND NOW WE NEED A PROFESSION. [AUDIENCE SHOUTING

AND NOW WE NEED A PROFESSION. [AUDIENCE SHOUTING SUGGESTIONS]

[AUDIENCE SHOUTING SUGGESTIONS] I HEARD METEOROLOGIST.

[SUGGESTIONS] I HEARD METEOROLOGIST. I HEARD METEOROLOGIST OVER HERE.

I HEARD METEOROLOGIST. I HEARD METEOROLOGIST OVER HERE. OKAY, WE GOT A METEOROLOGIST.

I HEARD METEOROLOGIST OVER HERE. OKAY, WE GOT A METEOROLOGIST. WE'VE GOT A DOCTOR'S OFFICE.

OKAY, WE GOT A METEOROLOGIST. WE'VE GOT A DOCTOR'S OFFICE. WE'LL SEE YOU IN 10 SECONDS.

WE'VE GOT A DOCTOR'S OFFICE. WE'LL SEE YOU IN 10 SECONDS. OKAY, LOOK, LOOK.

WE'LL SEE YOU IN 10 SECONDS. OKAY, LOOK, LOOK. LET'S DO THE GYNECOLOGIST

OKAY, LOOK, LOOK. LET'S DO THE GYNECOLOGIST PIECE.

LET'S DO THE GYNECOLOGIST PIECE. NO, WE NEED A GIRL TO DO

PIECE. NO, WE NEED A GIRL TO DO THAT.

NO, WE NEED A GIRL TO DO THAT. OH, THAT'S RIGHT.

THAT. OH, THAT'S RIGHT. OKAY, OKAY.

OH, THAT'S RIGHT. OKAY, OKAY. MAYBE DO THE PIECE...

OKAY, OKAY. MAYBE DO THE PIECE... NO, NO, THEY MIGHT BE

MAYBE DO THE PIECE... NO, NO, THEY MIGHT BE WATCHING.

NO, NO, THEY MIGHT BE WATCHING. OKAY.

WATCHING. OKAY. UH, WE'RE SORRY, LADIES AND

OKAY. UH, WE'RE SORRY, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, BUT WE COULDN'T THINK

UH, WE'RE SORRY, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, BUT WE COULDN'T THINK OF ANYTHING.

GENTLEMEN, BUT WE COULDN'T THINK OF ANYTHING. MAYBE IF YOU JUST... SOME MORE

OF ANYTHING. MAYBE IF YOU JUST... SOME MORE SUGGESTIONS, JUST ANYTHING.

MAYBE IF YOU JUST... SOME MORE SUGGESTIONS, JUST ANYTHING. WORLD WAR III!

SUGGESTIONS, JUST ANYTHING. WORLD WAR III! WORLD WAR III.

WORLD WAR III! WORLD WAR III. WORLD WAR III.

WORLD WAR III. WORLD WAR III. OKAY, HOW ABOUT A NEWSCAST ON

WORLD WAR III. OKAY, HOW ABOUT A NEWSCAST ON THE NIGHT OF THE DAY OF

OKAY, HOW ABOUT A NEWSCAST ON THE NIGHT OF THE DAY OF WORLD WAR III?

THE NIGHT OF THE DAY OF WORLD WAR III? YEAH, WE'LL IMPROVISE IT.

WORLD WAR III? YEAH, WE'LL IMPROVISE IT. GOOD CALL.

YEAH, WE'LL IMPROVISE IT. GOOD CALL. OKAY.

GOOD CALL. OKAY. TRAGEDY, DEATH, CATASTROPHE

OKAY. TRAGEDY, DEATH, CATASTROPHE HIGHLIGHT TONIGHT'S NEWS AFTER

TRAGEDY, DEATH, CATASTROPHE HIGHLIGHT TONIGHT'S NEWS AFTER THIS MESSAGE.

HIGHLIGHT TONIGHT'S NEWS AFTER THIS MESSAGE. TONIGHT'S NEWS IS BROUGHT TO

THIS MESSAGE. TONIGHT'S NEWS IS BROUGHT TO YOU BY THE MAKERS OF JIM CROW

TONIGHT'S NEWS IS BROUGHT TO YOU BY THE MAKERS OF JIM CROW RICE... REMEMBER, EVERY GRAIN IS

YOU BY THE MAKERS OF JIM CROW RICE... REMEMBER, EVERY GRAIN IS SEPARATE BUT EQUAL AND, MMM, SO

RICE... REMEMBER, EVERY GRAIN IS SEPARATE BUT EQUAL AND, MMM, SO GOOD.

SEPARATE BUT EQUAL AND, MMM, SO GOOD. GOOD EVENING, THIS IS

GOOD. GOOD EVENING, THIS IS RONALD BROOKS SUBSTITUTING FOR

GOOD EVENING, THIS IS RONALD BROOKS SUBSTITUTING FOR THE DECEASED RAY THOMPSON.

RONALD BROOKS SUBSTITUTING FOR THE DECEASED RAY THOMPSON. YES, TODAY, IT HAPPENED...

THE DECEASED RAY THOMPSON. YES, TODAY, IT HAPPENED... WORLD WAR III.

YES, TODAY, IT HAPPENED... WORLD WAR III. ACCORDING TO WHITE HOUSE

WORLD WAR III. ACCORDING TO WHITE HOUSE SOURCES, THE WAR WAS INITIATED

ACCORDING TO WHITE HOUSE SOURCES, THE WAR WAS INITIATED BY MISTAKE.

SOURCES, THE WAR WAS INITIATED BY MISTAKE. PRESIDENT CARTER SAID, "GEE, I'M

BY MISTAKE. PRESIDENT CARTER SAID, "GEE, I'M SORRY.

PRESIDENT CARTER SAID, "GEE, I'M SORRY. I'M AWFULLY SORRY."

SORRY. I'M AWFULLY SORRY." AND WITH 80% OF THE BOMBS IN,

I'M AWFULLY SORRY." AND WITH 80% OF THE BOMBS IN, WOMV COMPUTER ANALYSIS SHOWS

AND WITH 80% OF THE BOMBS IN, WOMV COMPUTER ANALYSIS SHOWS THAT THE UNITED STATES HAS WON

WOMV COMPUTER ANALYSIS SHOWS THAT THE UNITED STATES HAS WON THE WAR.

THAT THE UNITED STATES HAS WON THE WAR. YES, ACCORDING TO OUR COMPUTERS,

THE WAR. YES, ACCORDING TO OUR COMPUTERS, ONLY 85 MILLION AMERICANS WILL

YES, ACCORDING TO OUR COMPUTERS, ONLY 85 MILLION AMERICANS WILL HAVE DIED, AS COMPARED TO OVER

ONLY 85 MILLION AMERICANS WILL HAVE DIED, AS COMPARED TO OVER 155 MILLION RUSSIANS AND A

HAVE DIED, AS COMPARED TO OVER 155 MILLION RUSSIANS AND A WHOPPING 575 MILLION CHINESE.

155 MILLION RUSSIANS AND A WHOPPING 575 MILLION CHINESE. AND NOW, WITH THE WEATHER, OUR

WHOPPING 575 MILLION CHINESE. AND NOW, WITH THE WEATHER, OUR OWN BILL CORRY.

AND NOW, WITH THE WEATHER, OUR OWN BILL CORRY. BILL?

OWN BILL CORRY. BILL? WELL, HI.

BILL? WELL, HI. TEMPERATURES UP TO 8,000

WELL, HI. TEMPERATURES UP TO 8,000 DEGREES IN NEW YORK TONIGHT.

TEMPERATURES UP TO 8,000 DEGREES IN NEW YORK TONIGHT. COOLING OFF TOMORROW TO AN

DEGREES IN NEW YORK TONIGHT. COOLING OFF TOMORROW TO AN UNINHABITABLE 450 DEGREES, SO IF

COOLING OFF TOMORROW TO AN UNINHABITABLE 450 DEGREES, SO IF YOU'RE STILL PLANNING A WEEKEND

UNINHABITABLE 450 DEGREES, SO IF YOU'RE STILL PLANNING A WEEKEND OUTING, YOU BETTER WEAR AN

YOU'RE STILL PLANNING A WEEKEND OUTING, YOU BETTER WEAR AN ASBESTOS SUIT.

OUTING, YOU BETTER WEAR AN ASBESTOS SUIT. WELL, THE POLAR ICE CAPS HAVE

ASBESTOS SUIT. WELL, THE POLAR ICE CAPS HAVE MELTED, AND BOTH THE EAST AND

WELL, THE POLAR ICE CAPS HAVE MELTED, AND BOTH THE EAST AND THE WEST COAST SHOULD BE

MELTED, AND BOTH THE EAST AND THE WEST COAST SHOULD BE CONSUMED BY TIDAL WAVES

THE WEST COAST SHOULD BE CONSUMED BY TIDAL WAVES TOMORROW.

CONSUMED BY TIDAL WAVES TOMORROW. SO IF THERE ARE ANY SURFERS ON

TOMORROW. SO IF THERE ARE ANY SURFERS ON LONG ISLAND, YOU CAN EXPECT SOME

SO IF THERE ARE ANY SURFERS ON LONG ISLAND, YOU CAN EXPECT SOME SWELLS OF UP TO 800 FEET.

LONG ISLAND, YOU CAN EXPECT SOME SWELLS OF UP TO 800 FEET. WELL, THAT'S THE WEATHER OUTLOOK

SWELLS OF UP TO 800 FEET. WELL, THAT'S THE WEATHER OUTLOOK FOR TODAY.

WELL, THAT'S THE WEATHER OUTLOOK FOR TODAY. RONALD?

FOR TODAY. RONALD? WHY, THANKS, BILL.

RONALD? WHY, THANKS, BILL. THE STOCK MARKET CLOSED TODAY...

WHY, THANKS, BILL. THE STOCK MARKET CLOSED TODAY... FOR GOOD.

THE STOCK MARKET CLOSED TODAY... FOR GOOD. AND NOW WITH THE SPORTS, OUR OWN

FOR GOOD. AND NOW WITH THE SPORTS, OUR OWN BARNEY JOHNSON.

AND NOW WITH THE SPORTS, OUR OWN BARNEY JOHNSON. BARN?

BARNEY JOHNSON. BARN? THANK YOU, RONALD.

BARN? THANK YOU, RONALD. GOOD EVENING, SPORTS FANS.

THANK YOU, RONALD. GOOD EVENING, SPORTS FANS. BOBBY ORR FRIED TODAY AT HIS

GOOD EVENING, SPORTS FANS. BOBBY ORR FRIED TODAY AT HIS HOME IN TORONTO.

BOBBY ORR FRIED TODAY AT HIS HOME IN TORONTO. WELL, THE ENTIRE

HOME IN TORONTO. WELL, THE ENTIRE NEW YORK YANKEES BASEBALL TEAM

WELL, THE ENTIRE NEW YORK YANKEES BASEBALL TEAM PERISHED IN A FIRESTORM DURING

NEW YORK YANKEES BASEBALL TEAM PERISHED IN A FIRESTORM DURING PRACTICE AT THEIR FT. LAUDERDALE

PERISHED IN A FIRESTORM DURING PRACTICE AT THEIR FT. LAUDERDALE SPRING TRAINING CAMP... BAD NEWS

PRACTICE AT THEIR FT. LAUDERDALE SPRING TRAINING CAMP... BAD NEWS FOR YOU SEASON TICKET HOLDERS.

SPRING TRAINING CAMP... BAD NEWS FOR YOU SEASON TICKET HOLDERS. THAT'S THE SPORTS SCENE FOR

FOR YOU SEASON TICKET HOLDERS. THAT'S THE SPORTS SCENE FOR TONIGHT.

THAT'S THE SPORTS SCENE FOR TONIGHT. RONALD?

TONIGHT. RONALD? WHY, THANKS, BARN.

RONALD? WHY, THANKS, BARN. AND THAT'S THE WAY THE WORLD

WHY, THANKS, BARN. AND THAT'S THE WAY THE WORLD WAS.

AND THAT'S THE WAY THE WORLD WAS. AND THIS IS RONALD BROOKS...

WAS. AND THIS IS RONALD BROOKS... AND BARNEY JOHNSON...

AND THIS IS RONALD BROOKS... AND BARNEY JOHNSON... SAYING THAT THIS IS

AND BARNEY JOHNSON... SAYING THAT THIS IS RONALD BROOKS...

SAYING THAT THIS IS RONALD BROOKS... AND BARNEY JOHNSON...

RONALD BROOKS... AND BARNEY JOHNSON... SAYING GOOD NIGHT.

AND BARNEY JOHNSON... SAYING GOOD NIGHT. GOOD NIGHT.

SAYING GOOD NIGHT. GOOD NIGHT. THANK YOU.

GOOD NIGHT. THANK YOU. [APPLAUSE]

BAD DOLLY! BAD DOLLY! DON'T HURT DOLLY!

BAD DOLLY! DON'T HURT DOLLY! DON'T HURT DOLLY.

DON'T HURT DOLLY! DON'T HURT DOLLY. SHE'S SO CUTE.

DON'T HURT DOLLY. SHE'S SO CUTE. BAD DOLLY WEE-WEE ALL OVER

SHE'S SO CUTE. BAD DOLLY WEE-WEE ALL OVER PRETTY DRESS.

BAD DOLLY WEE-WEE ALL OVER PRETTY DRESS. OH, BOOTSIE, HAVE TO MAKE

PRETTY DRESS. OH, BOOTSIE, HAVE TO MAKE TINKIE, TOO, IN PEE-PEE POTTY.

OH, BOOTSIE, HAVE TO MAKE TINKIE, TOO, IN PEE-PEE POTTY. HELLO, LUFFIE.

TINKIE, TOO, IN PEE-PEE POTTY. HELLO, LUFFIE. HELLO, BOOTSIE.

HELLO, LUFFIE. HELLO, BOOTSIE. BINKIE NEEDS TO GO TO THE

HELLO, BOOTSIE. BINKIE NEEDS TO GO TO THE LITTLE GIRLS' ROOM EVER SO

BINKIE NEEDS TO GO TO THE LITTLE GIRLS' ROOM EVER SO BADLY.

LITTLE GIRLS' ROOM EVER SO BADLY. PLAY WITH YOUR NOSE.

BADLY. PLAY WITH YOUR NOSE. WHAT DO THESE THREE

PLAY WITH YOUR NOSE. WHAT DO THESE THREE EXTREMELY OBNOXIOUS GROWN WOMEN

WHAT DO THESE THREE EXTREMELY OBNOXIOUS GROWN WOMEN HAVE IN COMMON?

EXTREMELY OBNOXIOUS GROWN WOMEN HAVE IN COMMON? THEY ARE ALL VICTIMS OF GIDGET'S

HAVE IN COMMON? THEY ARE ALL VICTIMS OF GIDGET'S DISEASE.

THEY ARE ALL VICTIMS OF GIDGET'S DISEASE. IN OTHER WORDS, THEY ARE

DISEASE. IN OTHER WORDS, THEY ARE TERMINALLY CUTE, TOO CUTE FOR

IN OTHER WORDS, THEY ARE TERMINALLY CUTE, TOO CUTE FOR THEIR OWN GOOD.

TERMINALLY CUTE, TOO CUTE FOR THEIR OWN GOOD. LET'S TAKE A CLOSER LOOK.

THEIR OWN GOOD. LET'S TAKE A CLOSER LOOK. ♪ I'M A LITTLE TEAPOT, SHORT

LET'S TAKE A CLOSER LOOK. ♪ I'M A LITTLE TEAPOT, SHORT AND STOUT ♪

♪ I'M A LITTLE TEAPOT, SHORT AND STOUT ♪ ♪ HERE IS MY HANDLE ♪

AND STOUT ♪ ♪ HERE IS MY HANDLE ♪ ♪ HERE IS MY... HANDLE ♪

♪ HERE IS MY HANDLE ♪ ♪ HERE IS MY... HANDLE ♪ GOLLY, I'M A SUGAR BOWL.

♪ HERE IS MY... HANDLE ♪ GOLLY, I'M A SUGAR BOWL. PLEASE, JUDGE, DON'T SEND

GOLLY, I'M A SUGAR BOWL. PLEASE, JUDGE, DON'T SEND GRAMPS TO JAIL, OR I'LL BE EVER

PLEASE, JUDGE, DON'T SEND GRAMPS TO JAIL, OR I'LL BE EVER SO CROSS WITH YOU.

GRAMPS TO JAIL, OR I'LL BE EVER SO CROSS WITH YOU. I KNOW! WE'RE SHOWFOLK!

SO CROSS WITH YOU. I KNOW! WE'RE SHOWFOLK! WE'LL PUT ON A SHOW FOR YOU.

I KNOW! WE'RE SHOWFOLK! WE'LL PUT ON A SHOW FOR YOU. WE GOT COSTUMES IN THE BARN, AND

WE'LL PUT ON A SHOW FOR YOU. WE GOT COSTUMES IN THE BARN, AND MY DAD KNOWS MUSIC.

WE GOT COSTUMES IN THE BARN, AND MY DAD KNOWS MUSIC. MR. ANIMAL SLIPPER...

MY DAD KNOWS MUSIC. MR. ANIMAL SLIPPER... GUESS WHO'S COMING TO SEE YOU.

MR. ANIMAL SLIPPER... GUESS WHO'S COMING TO SEE YOU. MR. TEDDY BEAR PURSE!

GUESS WHO'S COMING TO SEE YOU. MR. TEDDY BEAR PURSE! HELLO, MR. TEDDY BEAR PURSE.

MR. TEDDY BEAR PURSE! HELLO, MR. TEDDY BEAR PURSE. WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

HELLO, MR. TEDDY BEAR PURSE. WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? OH, I BROUGHT YOU SOME YUM-YUM

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? OH, I BROUGHT YOU SOME YUM-YUM FOR YOUR TUMMY.

OH, I BROUGHT YOU SOME YUM-YUM FOR YOUR TUMMY. OH! NUMMY, NUMMY, NUMMY, NUMMY!

FOR YOUR TUMMY. OH! NUMMY, NUMMY, NUMMY, NUMMY! [SMOOCHES]

OH! NUMMY, NUMMY, NUMMY, NUMMY! [SMOOCHES] REALLY ENOUGH TO MAKE YOU

[SMOOCHES] REALLY ENOUGH TO MAKE YOU WANT TO PUKE YOUR GUTS OUT.

REALLY ENOUGH TO MAKE YOU WANT TO PUKE YOUR GUTS OUT. THERE IS HELP FOR THESE WOMEN.

WANT TO PUKE YOUR GUTS OUT. THERE IS HELP FOR THESE WOMEN. THEY AND OTHERS LIKE THEM CAN BE

THERE IS HELP FOR THESE WOMEN. THEY AND OTHERS LIKE THEM CAN BE CURED OF GIDGET'S DISEASE BY

THEY AND OTHERS LIKE THEM CAN BE CURED OF GIDGET'S DISEASE BY BEING FORCED TO UNDERGO

CURED OF GIDGET'S DISEASE BY BEING FORCED TO UNDERGO POINTLESS ROOT-CANAL WORK IN

BEING FORCED TO UNDERGO POINTLESS ROOT-CANAL WORK IN WHAT WE LIKE TO CALL THE DENTAL

POINTLESS ROOT-CANAL WORK IN WHAT WE LIKE TO CALL THE DENTAL THEATER OF CRUELTY.

WHAT WE LIKE TO CALL THE DENTAL THEATER OF CRUELTY. I KNOW, BECAUSE I WAS ONE OF

THEATER OF CRUELTY. I KNOW, BECAUSE I WAS ONE OF THEM.

I KNOW, BECAUSE I WAS ONE OF THEM. BUT I WAS LUCKY.

THEM. BUT I WAS LUCKY. THESE WOMEN MIGHT NOT BE SO

BUT I WAS LUCKY. THESE WOMEN MIGHT NOT BE SO LUCKY.

THESE WOMEN MIGHT NOT BE SO LUCKY. HERE, MR. TEDDY BEAR PURSE!

LUCKY. HERE, MR. TEDDY BEAR PURSE! [SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY]

HERE, MR. TEDDY BEAR PURSE! [SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY] WE NEED YOUR HELP.

[SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY] WE NEED YOUR HELP. SEND YOUR DOLLARS TO...

WE NEED YOUR HELP. SEND YOUR DOLLARS TO... [APPLAUSE]

[Southern accent] WELL, HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL? TWO WHOLE WEEKS, WE'VE BEEN

DO YOU THINK I FEEL? TWO WHOLE WEEKS, WE'VE BEEN MARRIED... I'M STILL THE SAME

TWO WHOLE WEEKS, WE'VE BEEN MARRIED... I'M STILL THE SAME GIRL I WAS ON MY WEDDING NIGHT.

MARRIED... I'M STILL THE SAME GIRL I WAS ON MY WEDDING NIGHT. WHERE'S MY CHERRY SLUSH?!

GIRL I WAS ON MY WEDDING NIGHT. WHERE'S MY CHERRY SLUSH?! AND I WAS LYING UNDER YOU

WHERE'S MY CHERRY SLUSH?! AND I WAS LYING UNDER YOU TONIGHT, NEVER ONCE THINKING

AND I WAS LYING UNDER YOU TONIGHT, NEVER ONCE THINKING YOU'D FIND YOUR MANLY POWERS.

TONIGHT, NEVER ONCE THINKING YOU'D FIND YOUR MANLY POWERS. NOT MORE THAN TWO HOURS AGO,

YOU'D FIND YOUR MANLY POWERS. NOT MORE THAN TWO HOURS AGO, I BOUGHT A CHERRY SLUSH FROM

NOT MORE THAN TWO HOURS AGO, I BOUGHT A CHERRY SLUSH FROM 7-ELEVEN.

I BOUGHT A CHERRY SLUSH FROM 7-ELEVEN. NOW, WHERE IS IT?!

7-ELEVEN. NOW, WHERE IS IT?! BEHIND THE VELVEETA.

NOW, WHERE IS IT?! BEHIND THE VELVEETA. I WAS LYING UNDER YOU, THINKING

BEHIND THE VELVEETA. I WAS LYING UNDER YOU, THINKING ABOUT SOMETHING ELSE, JUST LIKE

I WAS LYING UNDER YOU, THINKING ABOUT SOMETHING ELSE, JUST LIKE YOU TOLD ME.

ABOUT SOMETHING ELSE, JUST LIKE YOU TOLD ME. NOW, WHERE IS THE FOAM?

YOU TOLD ME. NOW, WHERE IS THE FOAM? WHERE'S THE DAMN FOAM?!

NOW, WHERE IS THE FOAM? WHERE'S THE DAMN FOAM?! I WAS THINKING ABOUT THE

WHERE'S THE DAMN FOAM?! I WAS THINKING ABOUT THE NOISE THAT WASHING MACHINES

I WAS THINKING ABOUT THE NOISE THAT WASHING MACHINES MAKE.

NOISE THAT WASHING MACHINES MAKE. WELL, I DIDN'T PAY 45 CENTS

MAKE. WELL, I DIDN'T PAY 45 CENTS FOR TWO HOURS OF LOUSY FOAM!

WELL, I DIDN'T PAY 45 CENTS FOR TWO HOURS OF LOUSY FOAM! WHEN THAT DIDN'T WORK, THAT

FOR TWO HOURS OF LOUSY FOAM! WHEN THAT DIDN'T WORK, THAT DIDN'T HELP YOU FIND YOUR MANLY

WHEN THAT DIDN'T WORK, THAT DIDN'T HELP YOU FIND YOUR MANLY POWERS, I STARTED THINKING ABOUT

DIDN'T HELP YOU FIND YOUR MANLY POWERS, I STARTED THINKING ABOUT DEAD PEOPLE AND IF DEAD PEOPLE

POWERS, I STARTED THINKING ABOUT DEAD PEOPLE AND IF DEAD PEOPLE SECRETLY WATCH TO SEE IF YOU GO

DEAD PEOPLE AND IF DEAD PEOPLE SECRETLY WATCH TO SEE IF YOU GO TO THEIR FUNERAL.

SECRETLY WATCH TO SEE IF YOU GO TO THEIR FUNERAL. YOU LOOKING AT CERTAIN

TO THEIR FUNERAL. YOU LOOKING AT CERTAIN PARTS OF MY BODY AND YOU

YOU LOOKING AT CERTAIN PARTS OF MY BODY AND YOU THINKING THE WORD "DEAD"?

PARTS OF MY BODY AND YOU THINKING THE WORD "DEAD"? WELL, NO WONDER.

THINKING THE WORD "DEAD"? WELL, NO WONDER. IF YOU'RE WONDERING WHY THERE IS

WELL, NO WONDER. IF YOU'RE WONDERING WHY THERE IS NO WONDER, WELL, THERE IS NO

IF YOU'RE WONDERING WHY THERE IS NO WONDER, WELL, THERE IS NO WONDER.

NO WONDER, WELL, THERE IS NO WONDER. YOU KNOW, I HAVE BEEN WITH, IF

WONDER. YOU KNOW, I HAVE BEEN WITH, IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN, A

YOU KNOW, I HAVE BEEN WITH, IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN, A SEMIPROFESSIONAL SINGER.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN, A SEMIPROFESSIONAL SINGER. I KNOW.

SEMIPROFESSIONAL SINGER. I KNOW. I HAVE HAD ADULT RELATIONS

I KNOW. I HAVE HAD ADULT RELATIONS WITH A SEMIPROFESSIONAL SINGER.

I HAVE HAD ADULT RELATIONS WITH A SEMIPROFESSIONAL SINGER. I KNOW.

WITH A SEMIPROFESSIONAL SINGER. I KNOW. NOT TO MENTION MANY OTHERS,

I KNOW. NOT TO MENTION MANY OTHERS, NOT TO MENTION THE REST.

NOT TO MENTION MANY OTHERS, NOT TO MENTION THE REST. ONLY TO MENTION THE ONE THAT

NOT TO MENTION THE REST. ONLY TO MENTION THE ONE THAT PROVES TO A MAN WHO HAS BEEN TO

ONLY TO MENTION THE ONE THAT PROVES TO A MAN WHO HAS BEEN TO HOUSTON AND LEFT BEHIND A

PROVES TO A MAN WHO HAS BEEN TO HOUSTON AND LEFT BEHIND A SATISFIED SEMIPROFESSIONAL

HOUSTON AND LEFT BEHIND A SATISFIED SEMIPROFESSIONAL SINGER!

SATISFIED SEMIPROFESSIONAL SINGER! [Crying] I HAVE WORN EVERY

SINGER! [Crying] I HAVE WORN EVERY PIECE OF UNDERWEAR YOU'VE SENT

[Crying] I HAVE WORN EVERY PIECE OF UNDERWEAR YOU'VE SENT AWAY FOR FROM THE BACK OF THAT

PIECE OF UNDERWEAR YOU'VE SENT AWAY FOR FROM THE BACK OF THAT MAGAZINE!

AWAY FOR FROM THE BACK OF THAT MAGAZINE! IT'S NOT JUST A MATTER OF

MAGAZINE! IT'S NOT JUST A MATTER OF WEARING SEND-AWAY UNDERWEAR.

IT'S NOT JUST A MATTER OF WEARING SEND-AWAY UNDERWEAR. IT HAS SOMETHING TO DO WITH YOU

WEARING SEND-AWAY UNDERWEAR. IT HAS SOMETHING TO DO WITH YOU BEING 18 AND ME BEING 23,

IT HAS SOMETHING TO DO WITH YOU BEING 18 AND ME BEING 23, WITH YOU COMING TO SEE THAT

BEING 18 AND ME BEING 23, WITH YOU COMING TO SEE THAT CERTAIN THRILL TO A MAN'S BODY.

WITH YOU COMING TO SEE THAT CERTAIN THRILL TO A MAN'S BODY. I SEE THAT CERTAIN THRILL.

CERTAIN THRILL TO A MAN'S BODY. I SEE THAT CERTAIN THRILL. YOU MAY NOT SEE I SEE IT, BUT I

I SEE THAT CERTAIN THRILL. YOU MAY NOT SEE I SEE IT, BUT I SEE IT.

YOU MAY NOT SEE I SEE IT, BUT I SEE IT. I SEE IT.

SEE IT. I SEE IT. AND I FELT IT TWO WEEKS AGO,

I SEE IT. AND I FELT IT TWO WEEKS AGO, STANDING IN THE FIRE HALL,

AND I FELT IT TWO WEEKS AGO, STANDING IN THE FIRE HALL, SAYING, "I DO."

STANDING IN THE FIRE HALL, SAYING, "I DO." I APOLOGIZED TO GOD UNDER MY

SAYING, "I DO." I APOLOGIZED TO GOD UNDER MY BREATH FOR SEEING THAT CERTAIN

I APOLOGIZED TO GOD UNDER MY BREATH FOR SEEING THAT CERTAIN THRILL RIGHT THERE IN FRONT OF

BREATH FOR SEEING THAT CERTAIN THRILL RIGHT THERE IN FRONT OF THE PREACHER.

THRILL RIGHT THERE IN FRONT OF THE PREACHER. AND SPEAKING OF THE PREACHER,

THE PREACHER. AND SPEAKING OF THE PREACHER, WHAT'S HAPPENED IN THOSE TWO

AND SPEAKING OF THE PREACHER, WHAT'S HAPPENED IN THOSE TWO WEEKS?

WHAT'S HAPPENED IN THOSE TWO WEEKS? WELL, I'LL TELL YOU.

WEEKS? WELL, I'LL TELL YOU. AND IT STARTS WITH THIS BEING MY

WELL, I'LL TELL YOU. AND IT STARTS WITH THIS BEING MY HOME, AND IT DOESN'T FEEL LIKE

AND IT STARTS WITH THIS BEING MY HOME, AND IT DOESN'T FEEL LIKE IT.

HOME, AND IT DOESN'T FEEL LIKE IT. AND IT STARTS WITH YOU MAKING

IT. AND IT STARTS WITH YOU MAKING THAT NEW VEGETABLE.

AND IT STARTS WITH YOU MAKING THAT NEW VEGETABLE. BRUSSELS SPROUTS?

THAT NEW VEGETABLE. BRUSSELS SPROUTS? A NEW VEGETABLE!

BRUSSELS SPROUTS? A NEW VEGETABLE! I DON'T NEED A NEW VEGETABLE.

A NEW VEGETABLE! I DON'T NEED A NEW VEGETABLE. I HAVE TROUBLE ENOUGH WITH THE

I DON'T NEED A NEW VEGETABLE. I HAVE TROUBLE ENOUGH WITH THE OLD VEGETABLES WITHOUT YOU

I HAVE TROUBLE ENOUGH WITH THE OLD VEGETABLES WITHOUT YOU BRINGING IN A NEW VEGETABLE.

OLD VEGETABLES WITHOUT YOU BRINGING IN A NEW VEGETABLE. AND YOU ALWAYS IGNORING ME WHEN

BRINGING IN A NEW VEGETABLE. AND YOU ALWAYS IGNORING ME WHEN I ASK YOU TO BUY FRUIT SLAW.

AND YOU ALWAYS IGNORING ME WHEN I ASK YOU TO BUY FRUIT SLAW. YOU DIDN'T EXPLAIN IT!

I ASK YOU TO BUY FRUIT SLAW. YOU DIDN'T EXPLAIN IT! IT'S FRUIT SLAW.

YOU DIDN'T EXPLAIN IT! IT'S FRUIT SLAW. YOU BUY IT AT THE DAIRY CASE.

IT'S FRUIT SLAW. YOU BUY IT AT THE DAIRY CASE. IT COMES IN THE PLASTIC THING.

YOU BUY IT AT THE DAIRY CASE. IT COMES IN THE PLASTIC THING. IT'S LIKE COLESLAW, ONLY IT'S

IT COMES IN THE PLASTIC THING. IT'S LIKE COLESLAW, ONLY IT'S MADE OF FRUIT.

IT'S LIKE COLESLAW, ONLY IT'S MADE OF FRUIT. IT'S FRUIT SLAW! FRUIT SLAW!

MADE OF FRUIT. IT'S FRUIT SLAW! FRUIT SLAW! NOW, HOW MUCH MORE CAN A MAN SAY

IT'S FRUIT SLAW! FRUIT SLAW! NOW, HOW MUCH MORE CAN A MAN SAY ABOUT FRUIT SLAW?!

NOW, HOW MUCH MORE CAN A MAN SAY ABOUT FRUIT SLAW?! [Crying] I'M SORRY.

ABOUT FRUIT SLAW?! [Crying] I'M SORRY. AND YOU ALWAYS USING THE WORD

[Crying] I'M SORRY. AND YOU ALWAYS USING THE WORD "CASSEROLE" TO MEAN THE FOOD AND

AND YOU ALWAYS USING THE WORD "CASSEROLE" TO MEAN THE FOOD AND THE THING YOU PUT IT IN.

"CASSEROLE" TO MEAN THE FOOD AND THE THING YOU PUT IT IN. NOT TO MENTION YOU CHANGING THE

THE THING YOU PUT IT IN. NOT TO MENTION YOU CHANGING THE CHANNEL EVERY TIME I'M WATCHING

NOT TO MENTION YOU CHANGING THE CHANNEL EVERY TIME I'M WATCHING MY FAVORITE PROGRAM.

CHANNEL EVERY TIME I'M WATCHING MY FAVORITE PROGRAM. NOT TO MENTION THE BATHROOM.

MY FAVORITE PROGRAM. NOT TO MENTION THE BATHROOM. NO, ALL YOUR THINGS IN THE

NOT TO MENTION THE BATHROOM. NO, ALL YOUR THINGS IN THE BATHROOM.

NO, ALL YOUR THINGS IN THE BATHROOM. IT'S BEEN TWO WEEKS OF ME TRYING

BATHROOM. IT'S BEEN TWO WEEKS OF ME TRYING TO TAKE CARE OF MY BUSINESS,

IT'S BEEN TWO WEEKS OF ME TRYING TO TAKE CARE OF MY BUSINESS, AND EVERY TIME I SIT DOWN TO IT,

TO TAKE CARE OF MY BUSINESS, AND EVERY TIME I SIT DOWN TO IT, MY EYES COME SMACK AGAINST A

AND EVERY TIME I SIT DOWN TO IT, MY EYES COME SMACK AGAINST A BOTTLE OF MISS CLAIROL SPARKLING

MY EYES COME SMACK AGAINST A BOTTLE OF MISS CLAIROL SPARKLING CHERRY COLOR-NUMBER 101 FOR A

BOTTLE OF MISS CLAIROL SPARKLING CHERRY COLOR-NUMBER 101 FOR A NATURAL, LUSTROUS SHEEN,

CHERRY COLOR-NUMBER 101 FOR A NATURAL, LUSTROUS SHEEN, FULL-BODIED, GLOWING WITH

NATURAL, LUSTROUS SHEEN, FULL-BODIED, GLOWING WITH HIGHLIGHTS... I KNOW ALL THIS

FULL-BODIED, GLOWING WITH HIGHLIGHTS... I KNOW ALL THIS CRAP BY HEART FROM TWO WEEKS OF

HIGHLIGHTS... I KNOW ALL THIS CRAP BY HEART FROM TWO WEEKS OF READING IT.

CRAP BY HEART FROM TWO WEEKS OF READING IT. DO YOU UNDERSTAND?

READING IT. DO YOU UNDERSTAND? AND YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT ELSE I

DO YOU UNDERSTAND? AND YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT ELSE I KNOW?

AND YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT ELSE I KNOW? SUPER TAMPONS... YOU WANT TO

KNOW? SUPER TAMPONS... YOU WANT TO HEAR THAT?

SUPER TAMPONS... YOU WANT TO HEAR THAT? YOU'RE JUST SAYING ALL THESE

HEAR THAT? YOU'RE JUST SAYING ALL THESE THINGS TO HURT ME.

YOU'RE JUST SAYING ALL THESE THINGS TO HURT ME. NO, I'M NOT.

THINGS TO HURT ME. NO, I'M NOT. AND WHAT ABOUT YOU?!

NO, I'M NOT. AND WHAT ABOUT YOU?! HUNKERING AROUND THE HOUSE ALL

AND WHAT ABOUT YOU?! HUNKERING AROUND THE HOUSE ALL THE TIME, LOOKING IN ALL THE

HUNKERING AROUND THE HOUSE ALL THE TIME, LOOKING IN ALL THE CANDY JARS LIKE YOU'RE EXPECTING

THE TIME, LOOKING IN ALL THE CANDY JARS LIKE YOU'RE EXPECTING TO FIND CANDY IN THERE, EXCEPT

CANDY JARS LIKE YOU'RE EXPECTING TO FIND CANDY IN THERE, EXCEPT THIS YOUR HOUSE, AND YOU KNOW

TO FIND CANDY IN THERE, EXCEPT THIS YOUR HOUSE, AND YOU KNOW THERE AIN'T NOTHING IN THERE BUT

THIS YOUR HOUSE, AND YOU KNOW THERE AIN'T NOTHING IN THERE BUT SAFETY PINS AND RUBBER BANDS.

THERE AIN'T NOTHING IN THERE BUT SAFETY PINS AND RUBBER BANDS. AND YOU GIVING ME DIRTY LOOKS.

SAFETY PINS AND RUBBER BANDS. AND YOU GIVING ME DIRTY LOOKS. AND HOW ABOUT THE OTHER NIGHT

AND YOU GIVING ME DIRTY LOOKS. AND HOW ABOUT THE OTHER NIGHT WHEN YOU SHUSHED ME?

AND HOW ABOUT THE OTHER NIGHT WHEN YOU SHUSHED ME? YOU SHUSHED ME THREE TIMES WHEN

WHEN YOU SHUSHED ME? YOU SHUSHED ME THREE TIMES WHEN YOU WAS WATCHING LUCY ARNAZ ON

YOU SHUSHED ME THREE TIMES WHEN YOU WAS WATCHING LUCY ARNAZ ON "THE $20,000 PYRAMID."

YOU WAS WATCHING LUCY ARNAZ ON "THE $20,000 PYRAMID." AND EVERY NIGHT AT DINNER,

"THE $20,000 PYRAMID." AND EVERY NIGHT AT DINNER, YOU'RE ASKING ME IF I WANT MY

AND EVERY NIGHT AT DINNER, YOU'RE ASKING ME IF I WANT MY DESSERT, LIKE WE'RE BACK AT THE

YOU'RE ASKING ME IF I WANT MY DESSERT, LIKE WE'RE BACK AT THE HIGH-SCHOOL CAFETERIA.

DESSERT, LIKE WE'RE BACK AT THE HIGH-SCHOOL CAFETERIA. "DO YOU WANT YOUR DESSERT?

HIGH-SCHOOL CAFETERIA. "DO YOU WANT YOUR DESSERT? DO YOU WANT YOUR DESSERT?"

"DO YOU WANT YOUR DESSERT? DO YOU WANT YOUR DESSERT?" LIKE WE GOT MARRIED SO YOU COULD

DO YOU WANT YOUR DESSERT?" LIKE WE GOT MARRIED SO YOU COULD EAT MY APPLE BROWN BETTY!

LIKE WE GOT MARRIED SO YOU COULD EAT MY APPLE BROWN BETTY! OHH! OHH!

EAT MY APPLE BROWN BETTY! OHH! OHH! WELL, WELL, WELL.

OHH! OHH! WELL, WELL, WELL. MAYBE THIS JUST PROVES WHAT I'VE

WELL, WELL, WELL. MAYBE THIS JUST PROVES WHAT I'VE BEEN MEANING TO SAY FOR TWO

MAYBE THIS JUST PROVES WHAT I'VE BEEN MEANING TO SAY FOR TWO WEEKS... YOU SHOULD'VE MARRIED

BEEN MEANING TO SAY FOR TWO WEEKS... YOU SHOULD'VE MARRIED THAT HANDSOME RICK MOONEY.

WEEKS... YOU SHOULD'VE MARRIED THAT HANDSOME RICK MOONEY. [EXHALES DEEPLY]

THAT HANDSOME RICK MOONEY. [EXHALES DEEPLY] WELL, IF I HAD KNOWN...

[EXHALES DEEPLY] WELL, IF I HAD KNOWN... IF I WOULD'VE KNOWN WHAT I KNOW

WELL, IF I HAD KNOWN... IF I WOULD'VE KNOWN WHAT I KNOW NOW LAST SUMMER AT CHEERLEADER

IF I WOULD'VE KNOWN WHAT I KNOW NOW LAST SUMMER AT CHEERLEADER CAMP WHEN I WAS DECIDING BETWEEN

NOW LAST SUMMER AT CHEERLEADER CAMP WHEN I WAS DECIDING BETWEEN YOU AND RICK MOONEY...

CAMP WHEN I WAS DECIDING BETWEEN YOU AND RICK MOONEY... 'CAUSE IT ALL HAPPENED DURING

YOU AND RICK MOONEY... 'CAUSE IT ALL HAPPENED DURING CHEERLEADER CAMP.

'CAUSE IT ALL HAPPENED DURING CHEERLEADER CAMP. IN A MOMENT OF DEVOTION, WE WERE

CHEERLEADER CAMP. IN A MOMENT OF DEVOTION, WE WERE ALL DOWN ON OUR KNEES AROUND THE

IN A MOMENT OF DEVOTION, WE WERE ALL DOWN ON OUR KNEES AROUND THE FLAGPOLE IN THE DRIVEWAY.

ALL DOWN ON OUR KNEES AROUND THE FLAGPOLE IN THE DRIVEWAY. AND YOU HAD TO HOLD THE JINGLE

FLAGPOLE IN THE DRIVEWAY. AND YOU HAD TO HOLD THE JINGLE BELLS QUIET ON YOUR TENNIS SHOE

AND YOU HAD TO HOLD THE JINGLE BELLS QUIET ON YOUR TENNIS SHOE LACES.

BELLS QUIET ON YOUR TENNIS SHOE LACES. AND I WAS HOLDING MY JINGLE

LACES. AND I WAS HOLDING MY JINGLE BELLS AND THINKING, "GOD, GIVE

AND I WAS HOLDING MY JINGLE BELLS AND THINKING, "GOD, GIVE ME A SIGN.

BELLS AND THINKING, "GOD, GIVE ME A SIGN. HENRY OR RICK MOONEY?"

ME A SIGN. HENRY OR RICK MOONEY?" AND I SAID, "AMEN" AND WE ALL

HENRY OR RICK MOONEY?" AND I SAID, "AMEN" AND WE ALL STOOD UP, AND I LET GO OF MY

AND I SAID, "AMEN" AND WE ALL STOOD UP, AND I LET GO OF MY JINGLE BELLS TO BRUSH OFF THE

STOOD UP, AND I LET GO OF MY JINGLE BELLS TO BRUSH OFF THE CINDERS OF MY KNEES FROM THE

JINGLE BELLS TO BRUSH OFF THE CINDERS OF MY KNEES FROM THE DRIVEWAY.

CINDERS OF MY KNEES FROM THE DRIVEWAY. AND THE CINDERS WERE ALL MASHED

DRIVEWAY. AND THE CINDERS WERE ALL MASHED INTO MY KNEE'S SKIN, FORMING THE

AND THE CINDERS WERE ALL MASHED INTO MY KNEE'S SKIN, FORMING THE SHAPE OF AN "H" FOR HENRY, AND

INTO MY KNEE'S SKIN, FORMING THE SHAPE OF AN "H" FOR HENRY, AND THAT'S WHEN I KNEW.

SHAPE OF AN "H" FOR HENRY, AND THAT'S WHEN I KNEW. [SOBS]

THAT'S WHEN I KNEW. [SOBS] IS THAT SO?

[SOBS] IS THAT SO? I LEARNED TWO THINGS AT

IS THAT SO? I LEARNED TWO THINGS AT MAJORETTE CAMP LAST SUMMER...

I LEARNED TWO THINGS AT MAJORETTE CAMP LAST SUMMER... I LOVE YOU...

MAJORETTE CAMP LAST SUMMER... I LOVE YOU... AND THEY GIVE FREE NUTS TO

I LOVE YOU... AND THEY GIVE FREE NUTS TO PEOPLE ON AIRPLANES.

AND THEY GIVE FREE NUTS TO PEOPLE ON AIRPLANES. IS THAT SO?

PEOPLE ON AIRPLANES. IS THAT SO? NO.

IS THAT SO? NO. IT'S NOT SO.

NO. IT'S NOT SO. THE TRUTH IS...

IT'S NOT SO. THE TRUTH IS... THE CINDERS IN MY KNEE'S SKIN

THE TRUTH IS... THE CINDERS IN MY KNEE'S SKIN DIDN'T FORM THE SHAPE OF AN "H."

THE CINDERS IN MY KNEE'S SKIN DIDN'T FORM THE SHAPE OF AN "H." THE CINDERS IN MY KNEE'S SKIN

DIDN'T FORM THE SHAPE OF AN "H." THE CINDERS IN MY KNEE'S SKIN DIDN'T FORM ANYTHING.

THE CINDERS IN MY KNEE'S SKIN DIDN'T FORM ANYTHING. BUT I MADE UP THAT STORY BECAUSE

DIDN'T FORM ANYTHING. BUT I MADE UP THAT STORY BECAUSE I LOVE YOU, AND YOU NEVER

BUT I MADE UP THAT STORY BECAUSE I LOVE YOU, AND YOU NEVER BELIEVED I LOVED YOU MORE THAN

I LOVE YOU, AND YOU NEVER BELIEVED I LOVED YOU MORE THAN RICK MOONEY.

BELIEVED I LOVED YOU MORE THAN RICK MOONEY. AND I STILL LOVE YOU.

RICK MOONEY. AND I STILL LOVE YOU. I STILL LOVE YOU.

AND I STILL LOVE YOU. I STILL LOVE YOU. AND I HAVE SEEN YOUR WORK PANTS

I STILL LOVE YOU. AND I HAVE SEEN YOUR WORK PANTS WITHOUT YOU IN THEM.

AND I HAVE SEEN YOUR WORK PANTS WITHOUT YOU IN THEM. I'VE SEEN ALL THOSE THINGS, WITH

WITHOUT YOU IN THEM. I'VE SEEN ALL THOSE THINGS, WITH THE SEAT STUCK OUT ON ITS OWN

I'VE SEEN ALL THOSE THINGS, WITH THE SEAT STUCK OUT ON ITS OWN AND ALL, AND I'VE SEEN ALL OF

THE SEAT STUCK OUT ON ITS OWN AND ALL, AND I'VE SEEN ALL OF THAT, AND I STILL LOVE YOU.

AND ALL, AND I'VE SEEN ALL OF THAT, AND I STILL LOVE YOU. SO...

THAT, AND I STILL LOVE YOU. SO... NOW YOU KNOW.

SO... NOW YOU KNOW. [SIGHS]

NOW YOU KNOW. [SIGHS] NOW I KNOW.

[SIGHS] NOW I KNOW. HEY, UH, PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.

NOW I KNOW. HEY, UH, PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON. GO ON.

HEY, UH, PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON. GO ON. WHAT FOR?

GO ON. WHAT FOR? WE'LL GO TO THE 7-ELEVEN.

WHAT FOR? WE'LL GO TO THE 7-ELEVEN. I'LL BUY YOU A CHERRY SLUSH.

WE'LL GO TO THE 7-ELEVEN. I'LL BUY YOU A CHERRY SLUSH. CHERRY SLUSH?

I'LL BUY YOU A CHERRY SLUSH. CHERRY SLUSH? OH, HENRY.

CHERRY SLUSH? OH, HENRY. OH, HENRY, HENRY.

IN TEXAS, WHERE I COME FROM, EVERYBODY TWIRLS A BATON. YESTERDAY, I GOT TO TWIRL MINE

EVERYBODY TWIRLS A BATON. YESTERDAY, I GOT TO TWIRL MINE FOR GARY WEIS.

YESTERDAY, I GOT TO TWIRL MINE FOR GARY WEIS. HERE'S THIS WEEK'S FILM.

[DAVID BOWIE'S "FAME" PLAYS]

♪ COULD IT BE THE BEST? ♪ ♪ COULD IT BE? ♪ ♪ REALLY BE ♪

♪ COULD IT BE? ♪ ♪ REALLY BE ♪ ♪ REALLY, BABE ♪

♪ REALLY BE ♪ ♪ REALLY, BABE ♪ ♪ COULD IT BE, MY BABE? ♪

♪ REALLY, BABE ♪ ♪ COULD IT BE, MY BABE? ♪ ♪ COULD IT, BABE? ♪

♪ COULD IT BE, MY BABE? ♪ ♪ COULD IT, BABE? ♪ ♪ COULD IT, BABE? ♪

♪ COULD IT, BABE? ♪ ♪ COULD IT, BABE? ♪ ♪ COULD IT? ♪

♪ COULD IT, BABE? ♪ ♪ COULD IT? ♪ ♪ IT IS ANY WONDER ♪

♪ COULD IT? ♪ ♪ IT IS ANY WONDER ♪ ♪ I REJECT YOU FIRST? ♪

♪ IT IS ANY WONDER ♪ ♪ I REJECT YOU FIRST? ♪ ♪ FAME, FAME, FAME, FAME ♪

♪ I REJECT YOU FIRST? ♪ ♪ FAME, FAME, FAME, FAME ♪ ♪ IS IT ANY WONDER ♪

♪ FAME, FAME, FAME, FAME ♪ ♪ IS IT ANY WONDER ♪ ♪ YOU'RE TOO COOL TO FOOL? ♪

♪ IS IT ANY WONDER ♪ ♪ YOU'RE TOO COOL TO FOOL? ♪ ♪ FAME, FAME ♪

♪ YOU'RE TOO COOL TO FOOL? ♪ ♪ FAME, FAME ♪ ♪ FAME ♪

♪ FAME, FAME ♪ ♪ FAME ♪ ♪ BULLY FOR YOU, CHILLY FOR

♪ FAME ♪ ♪ BULLY FOR YOU, CHILLY FOR ME ♪

♪ BULLY FOR YOU, CHILLY FOR ME ♪ ♪ GOT TO GET A RAIN CHECK ON ♪

ME ♪ ♪ GOT TO GET A RAIN CHECK ON ♪ ♪ PAIN ♪

♪ GOT TO GET A RAIN CHECK ON ♪ ♪ PAIN ♪ ♪ FAME ♪

♪ FAME, FAME, FAME, FAME, FAME, FAME, FAME, FAME, FAME ♪ ♪ FAME, FAME, FAME, FAME, FAME,

FAME, FAME, FAME, FAME, FAME ♪ ♪ FAME, FAME, FAME, FAME, FAME, FAME, FAME, FAME, FAME, FAME ♪

♪ FAME, FAME, FAME, FAME, FAME, FAME, FAME, FAME, FAME, FAME ♪ ♪ FAME, FAME, FAME, FAME ♪

Announcer: AND NOW IT'S TIME FOR "BAD PLAYHOUSE" WITH YOUR HOST, LEONARD PINTH-GARNELL.

FOR "BAD PLAYHOUSE" WITH YOUR HOST, LEONARD PINTH-GARNELL. HELLO, I'M

HOST, LEONARD PINTH-GARNELL. HELLO, I'M LEONARD PINTH-GARNELL, AND

HELLO, I'M LEONARD PINTH-GARNELL, AND WELCOME ONCE AGAIN TO

LEONARD PINTH-GARNELL, AND WELCOME ONCE AGAIN TO "BAD PLAYHOUSE."

WELCOME ONCE AGAIN TO "BAD PLAYHOUSE." TONIGHT, WE FEATURE A WORK BY

"BAD PLAYHOUSE." TONIGHT, WE FEATURE A WORK BY JAN VORSTAD, ONE OF THE WORST OF

TONIGHT, WE FEATURE A WORK BY JAN VORSTAD, ONE OF THE WORST OF THE NEW BREED OF BAD DUTCH

JAN VORSTAD, ONE OF THE WORST OF THE NEW BREED OF BAD DUTCH PLAYWRIGHTS OF THE PIET HEIN

THE NEW BREED OF BAD DUTCH PLAYWRIGHTS OF THE PIET HEIN SCHOOL.

PLAYWRIGHTS OF THE PIET HEIN SCHOOL. HIS WORK HAS BEEN REVILED, NOT

SCHOOL. HIS WORK HAS BEEN REVILED, NOT ONLY IN HIS NATIVE AMSTERDAM BUT

HIS WORK HAS BEEN REVILED, NOT ONLY IN HIS NATIVE AMSTERDAM BUT THROUGHOUT EUROPE.

ONLY IN HIS NATIVE AMSTERDAM BUT THROUGHOUT EUROPE. VORSTAD'S EARLY PLAYS DEALT WITH

THROUGHOUT EUROPE. VORSTAD'S EARLY PLAYS DEALT WITH THE EXISTENTIALISM OF BEING...

VORSTAD'S EARLY PLAYS DEALT WITH THE EXISTENTIALISM OF BEING... DIFFICULT TO UNDERSTAND BECAUSE

THE EXISTENTIALISM OF BEING... DIFFICULT TO UNDERSTAND BECAUSE THEY WERE SO VERY POORLY

DIFFICULT TO UNDERSTAND BECAUSE THEY WERE SO VERY POORLY WRITTEN.

THEY WERE SO VERY POORLY WRITTEN. TONIGHT'S PLAY IS ENTITLED

WRITTEN. TONIGHT'S PLAY IS ENTITLED "THE MILLKEEPER," WRITTEN BY

TONIGHT'S PLAY IS ENTITLED "THE MILLKEEPER," WRITTEN BY JAN VORSTAD IN 1953 BEFORE HE

"THE MILLKEEPER," WRITTEN BY JAN VORSTAD IN 1953 BEFORE HE HAD EVEN LEARNED TO FORM

JAN VORSTAD IN 1953 BEFORE HE HAD EVEN LEARNED TO FORM SENTENCES.

HAD EVEN LEARNED TO FORM SENTENCES. THE PRINCIPAL CHARACTERS OF THE

SENTENCES. THE PRINCIPAL CHARACTERS OF THE PLAY ARE THE YOUNG MILLKEEPER,

THE PRINCIPAL CHARACTERS OF THE PLAY ARE THE YOUNG MILLKEEPER, NILS, HIS NEW BRIDE, PIETRE, HIS

PLAY ARE THE YOUNG MILLKEEPER, NILS, HIS NEW BRIDE, PIETRE, HIS SISTER, JANN, DEATH, AND THE

NILS, HIS NEW BRIDE, PIETRE, HIS SISTER, JANN, DEATH, AND THE MILL ITSELF.

SISTER, JANN, DEATH, AND THE MILL ITSELF. THE INTERACTION OF THE PLAY

MILL ITSELF. THE INTERACTION OF THE PLAY DEALS WITH THE TORMENT OF THE

THE INTERACTION OF THE PLAY DEALS WITH THE TORMENT OF THE YOUNG BRIDE ALONE IN THE

DEALS WITH THE TORMENT OF THE YOUNG BRIDE ALONE IN THE WINDMILL WITH HER SISTER, WHO IS

YOUNG BRIDE ALONE IN THE WINDMILL WITH HER SISTER, WHO IS CAUGHT IN THE CLUTCHES OF DEATH.

WINDMILL WITH HER SISTER, WHO IS CAUGHT IN THE CLUTCHES OF DEATH. AND NILS IS TORN BETWEEN THE

CAUGHT IN THE CLUTCHES OF DEATH. AND NILS IS TORN BETWEEN THE IDEA OF LOVING THEM AND HIS

AND NILS IS TORN BETWEEN THE IDEA OF LOVING THEM AND HIS ENDLESS NEED TO WORK AT THE

IDEA OF LOVING THEM AND HIS ENDLESS NEED TO WORK AT THE MILLING OF GRAINS.

ENDLESS NEED TO WORK AT THE MILLING OF GRAINS. IT IS TWILIGHT AS THE PLAY

MILLING OF GRAINS. IT IS TWILIGHT AS THE PLAY BEGINS.

IT IS TWILIGHT AS THE PLAY BEGINS. [CREAKING]

AAAAH! AAAAAAH! AAAAAH!

AAAAAAH! AAAAAH! AAAAAAAH!

AAAAAH! AAAAAAAH! AAAAAAAAH!

AAAAAAAH! AAAAAAAAH! AAAAAAAAH!

AAAAAAAAH! AAAAAAAAH! AAAAAAAH!

AAAAAAAAH! AAAAAAAH! THANK YOU.

AAAAAAAH! THANK YOU. THANK YOU SO MUCH.

THANK YOU. THANK YOU SO MUCH. THERE, NOW, THAT WASN'T SO GOOD,

THANK YOU SO MUCH. THERE, NOW, THAT WASN'T SO GOOD, WAS IT?

THERE, NOW, THAT WASN'T SO GOOD, WAS IT? AND NOW I'D LIKE TO INTRODUCE

WAS IT? AND NOW I'D LIKE TO INTRODUCE THE CAST OF TONIGHT'S

AND NOW I'D LIKE TO INTRODUCE THE CAST OF TONIGHT'S "BAD PLAYHOUSE."

THE CAST OF TONIGHT'S "BAD PLAYHOUSE." THE ARDENT, YOUNG MILLKEEPER WAS

"BAD PLAYHOUSE." THE ARDENT, YOUNG MILLKEEPER WAS PLAYED BY MIKE MULAY.

THE ARDENT, YOUNG MILLKEEPER WAS PLAYED BY MIKE MULAY. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

PLAYED BY MIKE MULAY. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] THE YOUNG BRIDE WAS PORTRAYED BY

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] THE YOUNG BRIDE WAS PORTRAYED BY CHRISTINA MALFEY.

THE YOUNG BRIDE WAS PORTRAYED BY CHRISTINA MALFEY. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

CHRISTINA MALFEY. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] AND THE SISTER WAS

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] AND THE SISTER WAS GENEVEVE VENUS.

AND THE SISTER WAS GENEVEVE VENUS. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

GENEVEVE VENUS. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] [LAUGHS]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] [LAUGHS] AND DEATH WAS RONNIE BATEMAN.

[LAUGHS] AND DEATH WAS RONNIE BATEMAN. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

MUCH... [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE CONTINUES]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE CONTINUES] TERRIBLE. TERRIBLE.

[CONTINUES] TERRIBLE. TERRIBLE. AWFUL. AWFUL. AWFUL.

TERRIBLE. TERRIBLE. AWFUL. AWFUL. AWFUL. COULDN'T BE WORSE.

AWFUL. AWFUL. AWFUL. COULDN'T BE WORSE. COULDN'T BE WORSE.

COULDN'T BE WORSE. COULDN'T BE WORSE. TERRIBLE. SIMPLY AWFUL.

COULDN'T BE WORSE. TERRIBLE. SIMPLY AWFUL. MUCH OF VORSTAD'S WORK WAS MUCH

TERRIBLE. SIMPLY AWFUL. MUCH OF VORSTAD'S WORK WAS MUCH WORSE IN HIS LATER YEARS.

MUCH OF VORSTAD'S WORK WAS MUCH WORSE IN HIS LATER YEARS. NEXT WEEK ON "BAD PLAYHOUSE,"

WORSE IN HIS LATER YEARS. NEXT WEEK ON "BAD PLAYHOUSE," JOIN ME FOR AN EVEN WORSE PLAY,

NEXT WEEK ON "BAD PLAYHOUSE," JOIN ME FOR AN EVEN WORSE PLAY, ELMO SIMPSON'S

JOIN ME FOR AN EVEN WORSE PLAY, ELMO SIMPSON'S "THE HOT CARRIER."

ELMO SIMPSON'S "THE HOT CARRIER." UNTIL THEN, THIS IS

"THE HOT CARRIER." UNTIL THEN, THIS IS LEONARD PINTH-GARNELL SAYING

UNTIL THEN, THIS IS LEONARD PINTH-GARNELL SAYING GOOD NIGHT.

♪ WELL, I'VE BEEN LOOKING FOR SOMEBODY ♪ ♪ GOT MY MIND MADE UP ♪

SOMEBODY ♪ ♪ GOT MY MIND MADE UP ♪ ♪ WHO DOESN'T NEED A LOT TO

♪ GOT MY MIND MADE UP ♪ ♪ WHO DOESN'T NEED A LOT TO SAY ♪

♪ WHO DOESN'T NEED A LOT TO SAY ♪ ♪ SO THAT WHEN WE TALK, AT LEAST

SAY ♪ ♪ SO THAT WHEN WE TALK, AT LEAST WE'RE NOT PLAYING GAMES ♪

♪ SO THAT WHEN WE TALK, AT LEAST WE'RE NOT PLAYING GAMES ♪ ♪ I'VE BEEN IN LOVE BEFORE, BUT

WE'RE NOT PLAYING GAMES ♪ ♪ I'VE BEEN IN LOVE BEFORE, BUT I GOT HURT SO BAD ♪

♪ I'VE BEEN IN LOVE BEFORE, BUT I GOT HURT SO BAD ♪ ♪ THAT I STILL CAN'T FEEL THE

I GOT HURT SO BAD ♪ ♪ THAT I STILL CAN'T FEEL THE PAIN ♪

♪ THAT I STILL CAN'T FEEL THE PAIN ♪ ♪ I WANT TO LOVE AGAIN, BUT I

PAIN ♪ ♪ I WANT TO LOVE AGAIN, BUT I STILL FEEL TOO AFRAID ♪

♪ I WANT TO LOVE AGAIN, BUT I STILL FEEL TOO AFRAID ♪ ♪ SO I'VE BEEN LIVING IN THE

STILL FEEL TOO AFRAID ♪ ♪ SO I'VE BEEN LIVING IN THE CITY OF THE ONE-NIGHT STANDS ♪

♪ SO I'VE BEEN LIVING IN THE CITY OF THE ONE-NIGHT STANDS ♪ ♪ AND SLEEPING NEXT TO PITY,

CITY OF THE ONE-NIGHT STANDS ♪ ♪ AND SLEEPING NEXT TO PITY, AND IT'S CRAZY ♪

♪ AND SLEEPING NEXT TO PITY, AND IT'S CRAZY ♪ ♪ THE CLOSER I GET, WELL, THE

AND IT'S CRAZY ♪ ♪ THE CLOSER I GET, WELL, THE MORE SHE WANTS TO TAKE ME ♪

♪ THE CLOSER I GET, WELL, THE MORE SHE WANTS TO TAKE ME ♪ ♪ AND WHEN YOU'RE LIVING IN THE

MORE SHE WANTS TO TAKE ME ♪ ♪ AND WHEN YOU'RE LIVING IN THE CITY OF THE ONE-NIGHT STANDS ♪

♪ AND WHEN YOU'RE LIVING IN THE CITY OF THE ONE-NIGHT STANDS ♪ ♪ FACES THAT NEVER LOOK TOO

CITY OF THE ONE-NIGHT STANDS ♪ ♪ FACES THAT NEVER LOOK TOO PRETTY IN THE DAYLIGHT ♪

♪ FACES THAT NEVER LOOK TOO PRETTY IN THE DAYLIGHT ♪ ♪ BEGIN TO LOOK FINE WHEN THE

PRETTY IN THE DAYLIGHT ♪ ♪ BEGIN TO LOOK FINE WHEN THE NIGHTTIME GETS YOU BLIND ♪

♪ BEGIN TO LOOK FINE WHEN THE NIGHTTIME GETS YOU BLIND ♪ ♪ LIVING IN THE CITY OF THE

NIGHTTIME GETS YOU BLIND ♪ ♪ LIVING IN THE CITY OF THE ONE-NIGHT STANDS ♪

♪ LIVING IN THE CITY OF THE ONE-NIGHT STANDS ♪ ♪ LIVIN' IN THE CITY OF THE

ONE-NIGHT STANDS ♪ ♪ LIVIN' IN THE CITY OF THE ONE-NIGHT STANDS ♪

♪ LIVIN' IN THE CITY OF THE ONE-NIGHT STANDS ♪ ♪ MORNING COMES EARLY IN A

ONE-NIGHT STANDS ♪ ♪ MORNING COMES EARLY IN A STRANGER'S BED ♪

♪ MORNING COMES EARLY IN A STRANGER'S BED ♪ ♪ IT'S NEVER QUITE AS EASY WHEN

STRANGER'S BED ♪ ♪ IT'S NEVER QUITE AS EASY WHEN YOU'RE ASTRAY ♪

♪ IT'S NEVER QUITE AS EASY WHEN YOU'RE ASTRAY ♪ ♪ I'D LIKE TO HAVE A DIME FOR

YOU'RE ASTRAY ♪ ♪ I'D LIKE TO HAVE A DIME FOR ALL THE PROMISES ♪

♪ I'D LIKE TO HAVE A DIME FOR ALL THE PROMISES ♪ ♪ THAT STONY LOVERS MAKE WHEN IT

ALL THE PROMISES ♪ ♪ THAT STONY LOVERS MAKE WHEN IT GETS LATE ♪

♪ THAT STONY LOVERS MAKE WHEN IT GETS LATE ♪ ♪ SURE, IT HURTS ♪

GETS LATE ♪ ♪ SURE, IT HURTS ♪ ♪ STILL, IT FEELS PRETTY GOOD TO

♪ SURE, IT HURTS ♪ ♪ STILL, IT FEELS PRETTY GOOD TO BE LIVIN' IN THE CITY OF THE

♪ STILL, IT FEELS PRETTY GOOD TO BE LIVIN' IN THE CITY OF THE ONE-NIGHT STANDS ♪

BE LIVIN' IN THE CITY OF THE ONE-NIGHT STANDS ♪ ♪ WHERE THE NIGHTTIME MAKES IT

ONE-NIGHT STANDS ♪ ♪ WHERE THE NIGHTTIME MAKES IT EASY TO FEEL CRAZY ♪

♪ WHERE THE NIGHTTIME MAKES IT EASY TO FEEL CRAZY ♪ ♪ AND YOU WANT TO GET SAVED,

EASY TO FEEL CRAZY ♪ ♪ AND YOU WANT TO GET SAVED, BUT THERE'S NOTHING THERE WORTH

♪ AND YOU WANT TO GET SAVED, BUT THERE'S NOTHING THERE WORTH SAVING ♪

BUT THERE'S NOTHING THERE WORTH SAVING ♪ ♪ WHEN YOU'RE LIVIN' IN THE CITY

SAVING ♪ ♪ WHEN YOU'RE LIVIN' IN THE CITY OF THE ONE-NIGHT STANDS ♪

♪ WHEN YOU'RE LIVIN' IN THE CITY OF THE ONE-NIGHT STANDS ♪ ♪ THOUGH YOU NEVER SEE THE

OF THE ONE-NIGHT STANDS ♪ ♪ THOUGH YOU NEVER SEE THE BEAUTY IN THE DAYLIGHT ♪

♪ THOUGH YOU NEVER SEE THE BEAUTY IN THE DAYLIGHT ♪ ♪ WHEN DAY BECOMES NIGHT, IT

BEAUTY IN THE DAYLIGHT ♪ ♪ WHEN DAY BECOMES NIGHT, IT BEGINS TO FEEL ALL RIGHT ♪

♪ WHEN DAY BECOMES NIGHT, IT BEGINS TO FEEL ALL RIGHT ♪ ♪ LIVIN' IN THE CITY OF THE

BEGINS TO FEEL ALL RIGHT ♪ ♪ LIVIN' IN THE CITY OF THE ONE-NIGHT STANDS ♪

♪ LIVIN' IN THE CITY OF THE ONE-NIGHT STANDS ♪ ♪ LIVIN' IN THE CITY OF THE

ONE-NIGHT STANDS ♪ ♪ LIVIN' IN THE CITY OF THE ONE-NIGHT STANDS ♪

[APPLAUSE]

THIS WEEK'S HOME MOVIE IS SUBMITTED BY MY FRIEND ROBERT ALTMAN.

SUBMITTED BY MY FRIEND ROBERT ALTMAN. OKAY, HERE SHE GOES.

ROBERT ALTMAN. OKAY, HERE SHE GOES. ACTION.

OKAY, HERE SHE GOES. ACTION. HI.

ACTION. HI. I'M ANNE GOOD.

HI. I'M ANNE GOOD. WHAT'S YOUR NAME?

I'M ANNE GOOD. WHAT'S YOUR NAME? LINDA.

WHAT'S YOUR NAME? LINDA. WHAT'D YOU SAY YOUR NAME WAS?

LINDA. WHAT'D YOU SAY YOUR NAME WAS? VICKI?

WHAT'D YOU SAY YOUR NAME WAS? VICKI? YEAH, THAT'S MY NICKNAME.

VICKI? YEAH, THAT'S MY NICKNAME. MY REAL NAME'S MILDRED.

YEAH, THAT'S MY NICKNAME. MY REAL NAME'S MILDRED. I HATE IT.

MY REAL NAME'S MILDRED. I HATE IT. MINE'S REALLY... VIRGINIA.

I HATE IT. MINE'S REALLY... VIRGINIA. YOUR REAL NAME'S VIRGINIA?

MINE'S REALLY... VIRGINIA. YOUR REAL NAME'S VIRGINIA? LINDA, HUH?

YOUR REAL NAME'S VIRGINIA? LINDA, HUH? YEAH.

LINDA, HUH? YEAH. CAN I USE YOUR PHONE SOMETIME?

YEAH. CAN I USE YOUR PHONE SOMETIME? YOU CAN USE MY PHONE ALL THE

CAN I USE YOUR PHONE SOMETIME? YOU CAN USE MY PHONE ALL THE TIME.

YOU CAN USE MY PHONE ALL THE TIME. [TELEPHONE RINGS]

TIME. [TELEPHONE RINGS] HELLO?

[TELEPHONE RINGS] HELLO? HELLO.

HELLO? HELLO. [BLOWS]

HELLO. [BLOWS] NOW, WHAT'D YOU DO THAT FOR?

[BLOWS] NOW, WHAT'D YOU DO THAT FOR? I SAW SOMEBODY DO IT ONCE.

NOW, WHAT'D YOU DO THAT FOR? I SAW SOMEBODY DO IT ONCE. Are you okay?

I SAW SOMEBODY DO IT ONCE. Are you okay? WHO'S THIS?

Are you okay? WHO'S THIS? WHO'S THIS?

AND THIS IS THE BEDROOM. I KNEW IT'D LOOK LIKE THIS. AND THIS IS MY CLOSET, AND

I KNEW IT'D LOOK LIKE THIS. AND THIS IS MY CLOSET, AND THAT'S YOUR CLOSET.

AND THIS IS MY CLOSET, AND THAT'S YOUR CLOSET. OH, IT'S BIG.

THAT'S YOUR CLOSET. OH, IT'S BIG. CAROL, DO YOU MIND IF I SHARE

OH, IT'S BIG. CAROL, DO YOU MIND IF I SHARE YOUR CLOSET?

CAROL, DO YOU MIND IF I SHARE YOUR CLOSET? MY ROOM DOESN'T HAVE ONE.

♪ SHININ' OVER THE SEA ♪ ♪ 'CAUSE EVERY TIME I CATCH YOU LOOKIN' OVER... ♪

♪ 'CAUSE EVERY TIME I CATCH YOU LOOKIN' OVER... ♪ [APPLAUSE]

LOOKIN' OVER... ♪ [APPLAUSE] I WANT TO THANK EVERYBODY FOR

[APPLAUSE] I WANT TO THANK EVERYBODY FOR COMING TONIGHT, AND I WANT TO

I WANT TO THANK EVERYBODY FOR COMING TONIGHT, AND I WANT TO TELL YOU I HAD A GREAT TIME.

COMING TONIGHT, AND I WANT TO TELL YOU I HAD A GREAT TIME. AND Y'ALL COME BACK, YOU HEAR?

TELL YOU I HAD A GREAT TIME. AND Y'ALL COME BACK, YOU HEAR? [BAND PLAYS]

Announcer: NEXT SATURDAY

NIGHT, OUR HOST WILL BE

BRODERICK CRAWFORD WITH

MUSICAL GUEST THE METERS,

LEVON HELM, AND DR. JOHN.

PEOPLE MISTAKE ME FOR

BRODERICK CRAWFORD, OR IS IT

JOAN CRAWFORD?

WHO CARES?

AT LEAST I LOOK LIKE A STAR!

THIS IS DON PARDO SAYING GOOD

NIGHT.