Original subtitles

DANNY, DANNY, HE'S LATE! RALPH NADER IS NEVER LATE. HE SAID HE'D BE HERE AT 11:32.

RALPH NADER IS NEVER LATE. HE SAID HE'D BE HERE AT 11:32. HE'LL BE HERE AT 11:32.

HE SAID HE'D BE HERE AT 11:32. HE'LL BE HERE AT 11:32. WELL, I HOPE HE CAN DO THE

HE'LL BE HERE AT 11:32. WELL, I HOPE HE CAN DO THE SHOW WITHOUT ANY REHEARSAL.

WELL, I HOPE HE CAN DO THE SHOW WITHOUT ANY REHEARSAL. IT'S HARD ENOUGH FOR A

SHOW WITHOUT ANY REHEARSAL. IT'S HARD ENOUGH FOR A PROFESSIONAL COMEDIAN TO COME

IT'S HARD ENOUGH FOR A PROFESSIONAL COMEDIAN TO COME HERE AND DO THE SHOW.

PROFESSIONAL COMEDIAN TO COME HERE AND DO THE SHOW. WHAT ABOUT A CONSUMER ADVOCATE?

HERE AND DO THE SHOW. WHAT ABOUT A CONSUMER ADVOCATE? LOOK, HE'S THE BUSIEST MAN IN

WHAT ABOUT A CONSUMER ADVOCATE? LOOK, HE'S THE BUSIEST MAN IN THE WORLD.

LOOK, HE'S THE BUSIEST MAN IN THE WORLD. IT DOESN'T MATTER.

THE WORLD. IT DOESN'T MATTER. HE'S RALPH NADER, AND IT'S JUST

IT DOESN'T MATTER. HE'S RALPH NADER, AND IT'S JUST SUCH A COUP GETTING HIM ON THE

HE'S RALPH NADER, AND IT'S JUST SUCH A COUP GETTING HIM ON THE SHOW.

SUCH A COUP GETTING HIM ON THE SHOW. IT'S GREAT!

SHOW. IT'S GREAT! BUT DON'T YOU THINK HE'S TOO

IT'S GREAT! BUT DON'T YOU THINK HE'S TOO STRAIGHT?

BUT DON'T YOU THINK HE'S TOO STRAIGHT? HE'S KIND OF SERIOUS FOR OUR

STRAIGHT? HE'S KIND OF SERIOUS FOR OUR SHOW.

HE'S KIND OF SERIOUS FOR OUR SHOW. LORNE WAS TALKING TO HIM ALL

SHOW. LORNE WAS TALKING TO HIM ALL WEEK, AND, HE SAID, TOLD LORNE,

LORNE WAS TALKING TO HIM ALL WEEK, AND, HE SAID, TOLD LORNE, HE SAID, "DON'T WORRY.

WEEK, AND, HE SAID, TOLD LORNE, HE SAID, "DON'T WORRY. I'M GONNA RELAX AND HAVE FUN

HE SAID, "DON'T WORRY. I'M GONNA RELAX AND HAVE FUN WITH IT."

I'M GONNA RELAX AND HAVE FUN WITH IT." I WOULDN'T WORRY ABOUT IT.

WITH IT." I WOULDN'T WORRY ABOUT IT. OKAY, WELL, LOOK, IT'S 11:32

I WOULDN'T WORRY ABOUT IT. OKAY, WELL, LOOK, IT'S 11:32 NOW.

OKAY, WELL, LOOK, IT'S 11:32 NOW. HE'LL BE HERE.

NOW. HE'LL BE HERE. OH, DANNY, DANNY.

HE'LL BE HERE. OH, DANNY, DANNY. MR. NADER.

OH, DANNY, DANNY. MR. NADER. HI, I'M DAN AYKROYD.

MR. NADER. HI, I'M DAN AYKROYD. THIS IS GILDA RADNER.

HI, I'M DAN AYKROYD. THIS IS GILDA RADNER. I'M GILDA RADNER.

THIS IS GILDA RADNER. I'M GILDA RADNER. DANNY, GILDA, PLEASE!

I'M GILDA RADNER. DANNY, GILDA, PLEASE! CALL ME RALPH, RALPHIE, OR

DANNY, GILDA, PLEASE! CALL ME RALPH, RALPHIE, OR ANYTHING YOU WANT!

CALL ME RALPH, RALPHIE, OR ANYTHING YOU WANT! GREAT.

ANYTHING YOU WANT! GREAT. OH, WELL, RALPHIE, COME ON.

GREAT. OH, WELL, RALPHIE, COME ON. WE GOT TO GO TO MAKEUP.

OH, WELL, RALPHIE, COME ON. WE GOT TO GO TO MAKEUP. WE GOT TO HURRY A LITTLE BIT.

WE GOT TO GO TO MAKEUP. WE GOT TO HURRY A LITTLE BIT. TERRIFIC!

WE GOT TO HURRY A LITTLE BIT. TERRIFIC! YOU'RE REALLY WELL TURNED

TERRIFIC! YOU'RE REALLY WELL TURNED OUT.

YOU'RE REALLY WELL TURNED OUT. I LIKE THAT SUIT.

OUT. I LIKE THAT SUIT. THAT'S VERY INTERESTING.

I LIKE THAT SUIT. THAT'S VERY INTERESTING. YOU LIKE IT?

THAT'S VERY INTERESTING. YOU LIKE IT? YOU LIKE IT?

YOU LIKE IT? YOU LIKE IT? YOU KNOW, I JUST THOUGHT TO

YOU LIKE IT? YOU KNOW, I JUST THOUGHT TO MYSELF, WHAT THE HECK?

YOU KNOW, I JUST THOUGHT TO MYSELF, WHAT THE HECK? THIS IS MY FIRST EXPERIENCE IN

MYSELF, WHAT THE HECK? THIS IS MY FIRST EXPERIENCE IN SHOW BUSINESS, AND I'M JUST

THIS IS MY FIRST EXPERIENCE IN SHOW BUSINESS, AND I'M JUST GONNA CUT LOOSE!

SHOW BUSINESS, AND I'M JUST GONNA CUT LOOSE! OH, GREAT.

GONNA CUT LOOSE! OH, GREAT. WELL, MAKEUP IS IN HERE, AND

OH, GREAT. WELL, MAKEUP IS IN HERE, AND EVERYONE IS REALLY EXCITED.

WELL, MAKEUP IS IN HERE, AND EVERYONE IS REALLY EXCITED. IT'S OUR FIRST SHOW AFTER

EVERYONE IS REALLY EXCITED. IT'S OUR FIRST SHOW AFTER VACATION.

IT'S OUR FIRST SHOW AFTER VACATION. COME ON.

VACATION. COME ON. HERE'S RALPH, EVERYBODY!

COME ON. HERE'S RALPH, EVERYBODY! HOW ARE YOU?

HERE'S RALPH, EVERYBODY! HOW ARE YOU? HEY, RALPH, HOW YOU DOING?

HOW ARE YOU? HEY, RALPH, HOW YOU DOING? OH, SIT, SIT.

HEY, RALPH, HOW YOU DOING? OH, SIT, SIT. YOU KNOW, MR. NADER, WE ALL

OH, SIT, SIT. YOU KNOW, MR. NADER, WE ALL ADMIRE YOUR WORK SO MUCH, AND

YOU KNOW, MR. NADER, WE ALL ADMIRE YOUR WORK SO MUCH, AND IT'S AN HONOR TO HAVE YOU ON THE

ADMIRE YOUR WORK SO MUCH, AND IT'S AN HONOR TO HAVE YOU ON THE SHOW.

IT'S AN HONOR TO HAVE YOU ON THE SHOW. THANK YOU, JANE, BUT, PLEASE,

SHOW. THANK YOU, JANE, BUT, PLEASE, EVERYBODY... LIKE I WAS SAYING

THANK YOU, JANE, BUT, PLEASE, EVERYBODY... LIKE I WAS SAYING TO DANNY AND GILDA... PLEASE

EVERYBODY... LIKE I WAS SAYING TO DANNY AND GILDA... PLEASE CALL ME RALPH OR RALPHIE!

TO DANNY AND GILDA... PLEASE CALL ME RALPH OR RALPHIE! I'M HERE TO HAVE FUN TONIGHT!

CALL ME RALPH OR RALPHIE! I'M HERE TO HAVE FUN TONIGHT! TONIGHT THERE WILL BE NO MORE OF

I'M HERE TO HAVE FUN TONIGHT! TONIGHT THERE WILL BE NO MORE OF THIS DEFECTS AND ABUSES THAT

TONIGHT THERE WILL BE NO MORE OF THIS DEFECTS AND ABUSES THAT I'VE MANAGED TO FIND 24 HOURS A

THIS DEFECTS AND ABUSES THAT I'VE MANAGED TO FIND 24 HOURS A DAY.

I'VE MANAGED TO FIND 24 HOURS A DAY. TONIGHT, FOR 90 MINUTES, I'M

DAY. TONIGHT, FOR 90 MINUTES, I'M RALPH NADER... MR. GOOD TIME!

TONIGHT, FOR 90 MINUTES, I'M RALPH NADER... MR. GOOD TIME! [ALL CHEER]

RALPH NADER... MR. GOOD TIME! [ALL CHEER] THERE YOU GO, MR. GOOD TIME.

[ALL CHEER] THERE YOU GO, MR. GOOD TIME. OKAY.

THERE YOU GO, MR. GOOD TIME. OKAY. YOU'RE GONNA HAVE FUN.

OKAY. YOU'RE GONNA HAVE FUN. WAIT A MINUTE.

YOU'RE GONNA HAVE FUN. WAIT A MINUTE. IS THAT EYE CHIEF MAKEUP?

WAIT A MINUTE. IS THAT EYE CHIEF MAKEUP? YES, IT IS.

IS THAT EYE CHIEF MAKEUP? YES, IT IS. EYE CHIEF MAKEUP CONTAINS RED

YES, IT IS. EYE CHIEF MAKEUP CONTAINS RED DYE NUMBER 2.

EYE CHIEF MAKEUP CONTAINS RED DYE NUMBER 2. THIS MAKE-UP HAS A POSSIBILITY

DYE NUMBER 2. THIS MAKE-UP HAS A POSSIBILITY OF CAUSING SKIN CANCER.

THIS MAKE-UP HAS A POSSIBILITY OF CAUSING SKIN CANCER. WE'LL STOP USING IT

OF CAUSING SKIN CANCER. WE'LL STOP USING IT IMMEDIATELY.

WE'LL STOP USING IT IMMEDIATELY. ABSOLUTELY.

IMMEDIATELY. ABSOLUTELY. GOODNESS.

ABSOLUTELY. GOODNESS. THAT'S THE TRAGEDY WITH

GOODNESS. THAT'S THE TRAGEDY WITH CARCINOGENS.

THAT'S THE TRAGEDY WITH CARCINOGENS. IT MAY BE ALREADY TOO LATE.

CARCINOGENS. IT MAY BE ALREADY TOO LATE. LET ME TAKE YOU TO THE

IT MAY BE ALREADY TOO LATE. LET ME TAKE YOU TO THE WARDROBE ROOM SO YOU CAN PUT ON

LET ME TAKE YOU TO THE WARDROBE ROOM SO YOU CAN PUT ON YOUR COSTUME, MAN.

WARDROBE ROOM SO YOU CAN PUT ON YOUR COSTUME, MAN. COSTUMES?

YOUR COSTUME, MAN. COSTUMES? YOU MEAN I WEAR COSTUMES?

COSTUMES? YOU MEAN I WEAR COSTUMES? OH, THIS IS GONNA BE FUN!

YOU MEAN I WEAR COSTUMES? OH, THIS IS GONNA BE FUN! YEAH, MAN.

OH, THIS IS GONNA BE FUN! YEAH, MAN. RIGHT THIS WAY, MAN.

YEAH, MAN. RIGHT THIS WAY, MAN. WHAT'S THIS... A HOT DOG

RIGHT THIS WAY, MAN. WHAT'S THIS... A HOT DOG YOU'RE EATING?

WHAT'S THIS... A HOT DOG YOU'RE EATING? MM-HMM.

YOU'RE EATING? MM-HMM. A HOT DOG?

MM-HMM. A HOT DOG? DO YOU ENJOY EATING RAT

A HOT DOG? DO YOU ENJOY EATING RAT EXCREMENT AND RODENT HAIRS?

DO YOU ENJOY EATING RAT EXCREMENT AND RODENT HAIRS? UH, THIS HAS RAT EXCREMENT

EXCREMENT AND RODENT HAIRS? UH, THIS HAS RAT EXCREMENT AND RODENT HAIRS IN IT, HUH?

UH, THIS HAS RAT EXCREMENT AND RODENT HAIRS IN IT, HUH? THAT'S RIGHT.

AND RODENT HAIRS IN IT, HUH? THAT'S RIGHT. FEDERAL REGULATIONS PERMIT A

THAT'S RIGHT. FEDERAL REGULATIONS PERMIT A MINIMUM AMOUNT OF RAT EXCREMENT

FEDERAL REGULATIONS PERMIT A MINIMUM AMOUNT OF RAT EXCREMENT AND RODENT HAIRS IN HOT DOGS.

MINIMUM AMOUNT OF RAT EXCREMENT AND RODENT HAIRS IN HOT DOGS. WELL, I-I-I DIDN'T KNOW THAT,

AND RODENT HAIRS IN HOT DOGS. WELL, I-I-I DIDN'T KNOW THAT, RALPH.

WELL, I-I-I DIDN'T KNOW THAT, RALPH. THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

RALPH. THANK YOU VERY MUCH. HI!

THANK YOU VERY MUCH. HI! LARAINE NEWMAN!

HI! LARAINE NEWMAN! HEY, YOU KNOW, I'M A BIG

LARAINE NEWMAN! HEY, YOU KNOW, I'M A BIG ADMIRER OF YOURS, I REALLY AM.

HEY, YOU KNOW, I'M A BIG ADMIRER OF YOURS, I REALLY AM. I JUST CAN'T HELP MYSELF.

ADMIRER OF YOURS, I REALLY AM. I JUST CAN'T HELP MYSELF. I'VE GOT TO HUG YOU.

I JUST CAN'T HELP MYSELF. I'VE GOT TO HUG YOU. NOT TOO TIGHT, NOW.

I'VE GOT TO HUG YOU. NOT TOO TIGHT, NOW. YOU'LL ACTIVATE MY AIR BAG!

NOT TOO TIGHT, NOW. YOU'LL ACTIVATE MY AIR BAG! OH, MY GOD!

YOU'LL ACTIVATE MY AIR BAG! OH, MY GOD! WHOOPS!

OH, MY GOD! WHOOPS! WELL...

WHOOPS! WELL... LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S

WELL... LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT!

LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT! [BAND PLAYS]

Announcer: NBC's "SATURDAY NIGHT." STARRING...

WITH HIS SPECIAL GUESTS...

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, RALPH NADER! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

I... THANK YOU VERY MUCH, OF COURSE. I FEEL A SLIGHT LOSS OF

COURSE. I FEEL A SLIGHT LOSS OF INNOCENCE DOING THIS SHOW

I FEEL A SLIGHT LOSS OF INNOCENCE DOING THIS SHOW TONIGHT.

INNOCENCE DOING THIS SHOW TONIGHT. AFTER ALL, THIS TELEVISION

TONIGHT. AFTER ALL, THIS TELEVISION STUDIO IS IN THE RCA BUILDING IN

AFTER ALL, THIS TELEVISION STUDIO IS IN THE RCA BUILDING IN MIDTOWN MANHATTAN, THE HEART OF

STUDIO IS IN THE RCA BUILDING IN MIDTOWN MANHATTAN, THE HEART OF CORPORATE AMERICA.

MIDTOWN MANHATTAN, THE HEART OF CORPORATE AMERICA. I HAD MY DOUBTS ABOUT WORKING

CORPORATE AMERICA. I HAD MY DOUBTS ABOUT WORKING HERE, BUT I MUST SAY THAT

I HAD MY DOUBTS ABOUT WORKING HERE, BUT I MUST SAY THAT EVERYBODY HERE HAS BEEN VERY

HERE, BUT I MUST SAY THAT EVERYBODY HERE HAS BEEN VERY FRIENDLY AND HELPFUL.

EVERYBODY HERE HAS BEEN VERY FRIENDLY AND HELPFUL. TO BE HONEST, I DIDN'T REALLY

FRIENDLY AND HELPFUL. TO BE HONEST, I DIDN'T REALLY EXPECT THIS MUCH COOPERATION...

TO BE HONEST, I DIDN'T REALLY EXPECT THIS MUCH COOPERATION... ESPECIALLY SINCE MY RESEARCH

EXPECT THIS MUCH COOPERATION... ESPECIALLY SINCE MY RESEARCH GROUPS HAVE BEEN INVESTIGATING

ESPECIALLY SINCE MY RESEARCH GROUPS HAVE BEEN INVESTIGATING THE RCA CORPORATION, WHICH OWNS

GROUPS HAVE BEEN INVESTIGATING THE RCA CORPORATION, WHICH OWNS NBC, FOR A NUMBER OF CORPORATE

THE RCA CORPORATION, WHICH OWNS NBC, FOR A NUMBER OF CORPORATE ABUSES.

NBC, FOR A NUMBER OF CORPORATE ABUSES. WE'RE CONCERNED ABOUT THEIR

ABUSES. WE'RE CONCERNED ABOUT THEIR HAZARDOUS WORKING CONDITIONS,

WE'RE CONCERNED ABOUT THEIR HAZARDOUS WORKING CONDITIONS, ALLEGED PRICE FIXING, BRIBES TO

HAZARDOUS WORKING CONDITIONS, ALLEGED PRICE FIXING, BRIBES TO FOREIGN OFFICIALS, AND TOO MUCH

ALLEGED PRICE FIXING, BRIBES TO FOREIGN OFFICIALS, AND TOO MUCH TELEVISION VIOLENCE.

FOREIGN OFFICIALS, AND TOO MUCH TELEVISION VIOLENCE. I COULD GO ON AND ON, BUT THIS

TELEVISION VIOLENCE. I COULD GO ON AND ON, BUT THIS IS A NIGHT FOR ENTERTAINMENT, A

I COULD GO ON AND ON, BUT THIS IS A NIGHT FOR ENTERTAINMENT, A NIGHT FOR FUN!

IS A NIGHT FOR ENTERTAINMENT, A NIGHT FOR FUN! AND I MUST SAY, AGAIN, THAT THE

NIGHT FOR FUN! AND I MUST SAY, AGAIN, THAT THE PEOPLE HERE AT NBC HAVE TREATED

AND I MUST SAY, AGAIN, THAT THE PEOPLE HERE AT NBC HAVE TREATED ME WONDERFULLY.

PEOPLE HERE AT NBC HAVE TREATED ME WONDERFULLY. THEY'VE REALLY BEEN TERRIFIC,

ME WONDERFULLY. THEY'VE REALLY BEEN TERRIFIC, CONSIDERING THE FACT THAT WE

THEY'VE REALLY BEEN TERRIFIC, CONSIDERING THE FACT THAT WE JUST SUED THEM FOR $10 MILLION

CONSIDERING THE FACT THAT WE JUST SUED THEM FOR $10 MILLION FOR DECEPTIVE ADVERTISING.

JUST SUED THEM FOR $10 MILLION FOR DECEPTIVE ADVERTISING. IN ANY CASE, WE HAVE A

FOR DECEPTIVE ADVERTISING. IN ANY CASE, WE HAVE A CHALLENGING SHOW TONIGHT, AND

IN ANY CASE, WE HAVE A CHALLENGING SHOW TONIGHT, AND WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK AFTER THIS

CHALLENGING SHOW TONIGHT, AND WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK AFTER THIS MESSAGE.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK AFTER THIS MESSAGE. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

YOU KNOW, WHEN MY GRANDSON PHIL MOVED TO NEW YORK, I WAS AFRAID IT WAS GOING TO CANCEL

PHIL MOVED TO NEW YORK, I WAS AFRAID IT WAS GOING TO CANCEL OUR TUESDAY-NIGHT GAME, BUT I

AFRAID IT WAS GOING TO CANCEL OUR TUESDAY-NIGHT GAME, BUT I WAS WRONG.

OUR TUESDAY-NIGHT GAME, BUT I WAS WRONG. THE PHONE COMPANY SAW TO THAT.

WAS WRONG. THE PHONE COMPANY SAW TO THAT. BY MAKING LONG-DISTANCE CALLS

THE PHONE COMPANY SAW TO THAT. BY MAKING LONG-DISTANCE CALLS AFTER 11:00, YOU CAN SPEAK

BY MAKING LONG-DISTANCE CALLS AFTER 11:00, YOU CAN SPEAK COAST-TO-COAST FOR JUST A FEW

AFTER 11:00, YOU CAN SPEAK COAST-TO-COAST FOR JUST A FEW PENNIES.

COAST-TO-COAST FOR JUST A FEW PENNIES. IT'S QUITE A CONVENIENCE.

PENNIES. IT'S QUITE A CONVENIENCE. THE CALLS ARE CHEAP, AND WE GET

IT'S QUITE A CONVENIENCE. THE CALLS ARE CHEAP, AND WE GET TO PLAY CHESS.

THE CALLS ARE CHEAP, AND WE GET TO PLAY CHESS. AH, YOU KNOW KIDS.

TO PLAY CHESS. AH, YOU KNOW KIDS. HE'S PROBABLY OUT PLAYING WITH

AH, YOU KNOW KIDS. HE'S PROBABLY OUT PLAYING WITH HIS LITTLE FRIENDS AND HAS LOST

HE'S PROBABLY OUT PLAYING WITH HIS LITTLE FRIENDS AND HAS LOST TRACK OF THE TIME.

HIS LITTLE FRIENDS AND HAS LOST TRACK OF THE TIME. HE CALLS ME GRAMPS, AND I CALL

TRACK OF THE TIME. HE CALLS ME GRAMPS, AND I CALL HIM SPORT.

HE CALLS ME GRAMPS, AND I CALL HIM SPORT. WE'RE LIKE PALS.

HIM SPORT. WE'RE LIKE PALS. HE SAYS THAT I'M HIS BEST

WE'RE LIKE PALS. HE SAYS THAT I'M HIS BEST FRIEND.

HE SAYS THAT I'M HIS BEST FRIEND. [CHUCKLES]

FRIEND. [CHUCKLES] YOU KNOW, IT'S REAL NICE OF THE

[CHUCKLES] YOU KNOW, IT'S REAL NICE OF THE PHONE COMPANY TO DO THIS.

YOU KNOW, IT'S REAL NICE OF THE PHONE COMPANY TO DO THIS. I ONLY GET TO SEE PHIL DURING

PHONE COMPANY TO DO THIS. I ONLY GET TO SEE PHIL DURING THE HOLIDAYS.

I ONLY GET TO SEE PHIL DURING THE HOLIDAYS. I BOUGHT A WATCH FOR HIM THIS

THE HOLIDAYS. I BOUGHT A WATCH FOR HIM THIS CHRISTMAS.

I BOUGHT A WATCH FOR HIM THIS CHRISTMAS. HAD ALL THOSE CONTRAPTIONS ON

CHRISTMAS. HAD ALL THOSE CONTRAPTIONS ON IT.

HAD ALL THOSE CONTRAPTIONS ON IT. HE WAS SO EXCITED, HE FORGOT TO

IT. HE WAS SO EXCITED, HE FORGOT TO THANK ME.

HE WAS SO EXCITED, HE FORGOT TO THANK ME. IT COST $800.

THANK ME. IT COST $800. BUT HE'S WORTH IT.

IT COST $800. BUT HE'S WORTH IT. I HAVE THIS HEART CONDITION.

BUT HE'S WORTH IT. I HAVE THIS HEART CONDITION. SOMETHING TO DO WITH FATTY

I HAVE THIS HEART CONDITION. SOMETHING TO DO WITH FATTY TISSUES BUILDING UP SOMEWHERE.

SOMETHING TO DO WITH FATTY TISSUES BUILDING UP SOMEWHERE. I SHOULD BE GETTING TO BED

TISSUES BUILDING UP SOMEWHERE. I SHOULD BE GETTING TO BED SOON... DOCTOR'S ORDERS... BUT

I SHOULD BE GETTING TO BED SOON... DOCTOR'S ORDERS... BUT NOT TILL MY PHIL CALLS.

SOON... DOCTOR'S ORDERS... BUT NOT TILL MY PHIL CALLS. PERSONALLY, I THINK HE'S AN

NOT TILL MY PHIL CALLS. PERSONALLY, I THINK HE'S AN IDIOT.

PERSONALLY, I THINK HE'S AN IDIOT. FOR A WHILE, WE THOUGHT THERE

IDIOT. FOR A WHILE, WE THOUGHT THERE WAS SOMETHING WRONG WITH HIM,

FOR A WHILE, WE THOUGHT THERE WAS SOMETHING WRONG WITH HIM, BUT THE DOCTOR SAID HE WOULD BE

WAS SOMETHING WRONG WITH HIM, BUT THE DOCTOR SAID HE WOULD BE OKAY IF WE LEFT HIM TO PROGRESS

BUT THE DOCTOR SAID HE WOULD BE OKAY IF WE LEFT HIM TO PROGRESS AT HIS OWN SPEED.

OKAY IF WE LEFT HIM TO PROGRESS AT HIS OWN SPEED. AH, WHAT THE HELL.

AT HIS OWN SPEED. AH, WHAT THE HELL. I HOPE THE KID DIES.

AH, WHAT THE HELL. I HOPE THE KID DIES. HE'S GOT NO FRIENDS EXCEPT FOR

I HOPE THE KID DIES. HE'S GOT NO FRIENDS EXCEPT FOR ME AND THE KIDS WHO HANG AROUND

HE'S GOT NO FRIENDS EXCEPT FOR ME AND THE KIDS WHO HANG AROUND HIM BECAUSE HE'S GOT A GREAT

ME AND THE KIDS WHO HANG AROUND HIM BECAUSE HE'S GOT A GREAT WATCH, THE WATCH THAT I BOUGHT

HIM BECAUSE HE'S GOT A GREAT WATCH, THE WATCH THAT I BOUGHT HIM FOR 800 FRICKIN' BUCKS.

WATCH, THE WATCH THAT I BOUGHT HIM FOR 800 FRICKIN' BUCKS. WOULDN'T THAT BE GREAT IF HE

HIM FOR 800 FRICKIN' BUCKS. WOULDN'T THAT BE GREAT IF HE DIED?

WOULDN'T THAT BE GREAT IF HE DIED? HE'D PROBABLY GO STRAIGHT TO

DIED? HE'D PROBABLY GO STRAIGHT TO H-E-DOUBLE-HOCKEY-STICKS.

HE'D PROBABLY GO STRAIGHT TO H-E-DOUBLE-HOCKEY-STICKS. I'M SURE HE HOCKED THE WATCH I

H-E-DOUBLE-HOCKEY-STICKS. I'M SURE HE HOCKED THE WATCH I GAVE HIM.

I'M SURE HE HOCKED THE WATCH I GAVE HIM. HE HOCKED IT.

GAVE HIM. HE HOCKED IT. HOCKED IT, AND THEN HE RAPED THE

HE HOCKED IT. HOCKED IT, AND THEN HE RAPED THE WOMAN THAT OWNED THE PAWN SHOP.

HOCKED IT, AND THEN HE RAPED THE WOMAN THAT OWNED THE PAWN SHOP. [TELEPHONE RINGS]

WOMAN THAT OWNED THE PAWN SHOP. [TELEPHONE RINGS] HELLO?

[TELEPHONE RINGS] HELLO? KING'S KNIGHT TO KING'S

HELLO? KING'S KNIGHT TO KING'S KNIGHT FOUR, GRANDPA.

KING'S KNIGHT TO KING'S KNIGHT FOUR, GRANDPA. OKAY.

KNIGHT FOUR, GRANDPA. OKAY. YOU SURE YOU WANT TO DO THAT?

OKAY. YOU SURE YOU WANT TO DO THAT? [CHUCKLES]

YOU SURE YOU WANT TO DO THAT? [CHUCKLES] OKAY, SPORT, I'LL SPEAK TO YOU

[CHUCKLES] OKAY, SPORT, I'LL SPEAK TO YOU NEXT TUESDAY.

Announcer: LONG DISTANCE

KEEPS YOU IN TOUCH WITH THOSE

YOU LOVE MOST.

[APPLAUSE]

IN A RECENT COURT BATTLE IN

TEXAS, FEDERAL DISTRICT JUDGE

WILLIAM M. TAYLOR HAS UPHELD THE

RIGHT OF A TV NEWSMAN TO

TELEVISE EXECUTION AT THE

STATE'S PENITENTIARIES.

HE RULED THAT THE EVENT WAS AN

ACT OF STATE AND

CONSTITUTIONALLY SUBJECT TO FULL

EXPOSURE.

"SATURDAY NIGHT" HAS MADE AN

ARRANGEMENT WITH LUBBOCK STATE

PENITENTIARY IN TEXAS TO GET A

LOOK AT THE ACTUAL DRESS

REHEARSAL FOR THE EXECUTION OF

CONVICTED MASS MURDERER

DEAN SLYDELL, SET FOR NEXT

WEDNESDAY.

WE TAKE YOU NOW LIVE TO LUBBOCK,

TEXAS.

WE'RE ASSEMBLED HERE TONIGHT

TO DULY EXECUTE CONVICTED MASS

MURDERER DEAN SLYDELL UNDER THE

LAWS GOVERNING FIRST-DEGREE

MURDER IN THE UNITED STATES.

HI. WELCOME TO LUBBOCK STATE PENITENTIARY.

WELCOME TO LUBBOCK STATE PENITENTIARY. I'M WARDEN... I'M WARDEN

PENITENTIARY. I'M WARDEN... I'M WARDEN ROY GROOMIS, AND WELCOME TO THE

I'M WARDEN... I'M WARDEN ROY GROOMIS, AND WELCOME TO THE FIRST LOCAL TELEVISED EXECUTION

ROY GROOMIS, AND WELCOME TO THE FIRST LOCAL TELEVISED EXECUTION OF CONVICTED MASS MURDERER

FIRST LOCAL TELEVISED EXECUTION OF CONVICTED MASS MURDERER DEAN SLYDELL.

OF CONVICTED MASS MURDERER DEAN SLYDELL. HI, DEAN.

DEAN SLYDELL. HI, DEAN. HOW ARE YOU DOING TONIGHT?

HI, DEAN. HOW ARE YOU DOING TONIGHT? WELL, I GUESS I AM A LITTLE

HOW ARE YOU DOING TONIGHT? WELL, I GUESS I AM A LITTLE NERVOUS, WARDEN.

WELL, I GUESS I AM A LITTLE NERVOUS, WARDEN. IT'S MY FIRST TIME.

NERVOUS, WARDEN. IT'S MY FIRST TIME. DEAN, TELL US WHY YOU ARE IN

IT'S MY FIRST TIME. DEAN, TELL US WHY YOU ARE IN THE CHAIR TONIGHT.

DEAN, TELL US WHY YOU ARE IN THE CHAIR TONIGHT. OKAY, WARDEN.

THE CHAIR TONIGHT. OKAY, WARDEN. WELL, I GUESS IT ALL STARTED

OKAY, WARDEN. WELL, I GUESS IT ALL STARTED WHEN I WAS A KID.

WELL, I GUESS IT ALL STARTED WHEN I WAS A KID. DON'T TAKE TOO LONG, DEAN.

WHEN I WAS A KID. DON'T TAKE TOO LONG, DEAN. WE DON'T HAVE TOO MUCH AIRTIME.

DON'T TAKE TOO LONG, DEAN. WE DON'T HAVE TOO MUCH AIRTIME. OKAY.

WE DON'T HAVE TOO MUCH AIRTIME. OKAY. I STABBED, OR TOOK PART IN THE

OKAY. I STABBED, OR TOOK PART IN THE STABBING OF, 29 BANK EMPLOYEES.

I STABBED, OR TOOK PART IN THE STABBING OF, 29 BANK EMPLOYEES. FINE. THANK YOU.

STABBING OF, 29 BANK EMPLOYEES. FINE. THANK YOU. NOW A LITTLE BIT ABOUT THE CHAIR

FINE. THANK YOU. NOW A LITTLE BIT ABOUT THE CHAIR ITSELF.

NOW A LITTLE BIT ABOUT THE CHAIR ITSELF. IT'S A BEAUTY, FOLKS.

ITSELF. IT'S A BEAUTY, FOLKS. THE CHAIR IS A CUSTOM-BUILT

IT'S A BEAUTY, FOLKS. THE CHAIR IS A CUSTOM-BUILT MAINWAY FRY KING, DELIVERING

THE CHAIR IS A CUSTOM-BUILT MAINWAY FRY KING, DELIVERING 25,000 VOLTS, A.C. OUTPUT, AT 2

MAINWAY FRY KING, DELIVERING 25,000 VOLTS, A.C. OUTPUT, AT 2 AMPS BOOSTED TO 10 AMPS AT POINT

25,000 VOLTS, A.C. OUTPUT, AT 2 AMPS BOOSTED TO 10 AMPS AT POINT OF EXECUTION.

AMPS BOOSTED TO 10 AMPS AT POINT OF EXECUTION. SAY, THAT'S A LOT OF JUICE,

OF EXECUTION. SAY, THAT'S A LOT OF JUICE, WARDEN.

SAY, THAT'S A LOT OF JUICE, WARDEN. WELL, IT'S NOT THAT WE'LL

WARDEN. WELL, IT'S NOT THAT WE'LL EVER NEED THAT MUCH, BUT IT'S

WELL, IT'S NOT THAT WE'LL EVER NEED THAT MUCH, BUT IT'S THERE IF WE NEED IT.

EVER NEED THAT MUCH, BUT IT'S THERE IF WE NEED IT. CUT! CUT!

THERE IF WE NEED IT. CUT! CUT! MAKEUP, CAN WE GET IN HERE,

CUT! CUT! MAKEUP, CAN WE GET IN HERE, PLEASE?

MAKEUP, CAN WE GET IN HERE, PLEASE? SORRY, FELLAS.

PLEASE? SORRY, FELLAS. DEAN, HONEY, HAVING A LITTLE BIT

SORRY, FELLAS. DEAN, HONEY, HAVING A LITTLE BIT OF TROUBLE WITH YOUR FACE.

DEAN, HONEY, HAVING A LITTLE BIT OF TROUBLE WITH YOUR FACE. YOU GOT AN ANGRY NOSE SHADOW.

OF TROUBLE WITH YOUR FACE. YOU GOT AN ANGRY NOSE SHADOW. CAN YOU GET THAT, FRANCES?

YOU GOT AN ANGRY NOSE SHADOW. CAN YOU GET THAT, FRANCES? YOU'RE PERFECT, YOU'RE PERFECT.

CAN YOU GET THAT, FRANCES? YOU'RE PERFECT, YOU'RE PERFECT. OKAY, YOU GOT A GOOD FACE, PHIL.

YOU'RE PERFECT, YOU'RE PERFECT. OKAY, YOU GOT A GOOD FACE, PHIL. I WANT TO SEE YOUR FACE.

OKAY, YOU GOT A GOOD FACE, PHIL. I WANT TO SEE YOUR FACE. OKAY, LIGHTS!

I WANT TO SEE YOUR FACE. OKAY, LIGHTS! PHIL! PLEASE, BABY!

OKAY, LIGHTS! PHIL! PLEASE, BABY! THROW A K-84 IN THIS SCRIM ON

PHIL! PLEASE, BABY! THROW A K-84 IN THIS SCRIM ON DEANO'S FACE HERE, PLEASE.

THROW A K-84 IN THIS SCRIM ON DEANO'S FACE HERE, PLEASE. HE'S LOOKING LIKE THE HUBCAP ON

DEANO'S FACE HERE, PLEASE. HE'S LOOKING LIKE THE HUBCAP ON A '56 CHEVY, HUH?

HE'S LOOKING LIKE THE HUBCAP ON A '56 CHEVY, HUH? YOU'RE STRIVING, BABY, COME ON!

A '56 CHEVY, HUH? YOU'RE STRIVING, BABY, COME ON! OKAY. WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?

YOU'RE STRIVING, BABY, COME ON! OKAY. WHAT'S GOING ON HERE? YOU KNOW, WE GOT TO GET A MOOD

OKAY. WHAT'S GOING ON HERE? YOU KNOW, WE GOT TO GET A MOOD HERE.

YOU KNOW, WE GOT TO GET A MOOD HERE. I'M SORRY, BABY.

HERE. I'M SORRY, BABY. DEAN, YOU'RE GOING TO FRY, OKAY?

I'M SORRY, BABY. DEAN, YOU'RE GOING TO FRY, OKAY? YOU'RE GOING TO DIE, ALL RIGHT?

DEAN, YOU'RE GOING TO FRY, OKAY? YOU'RE GOING TO DIE, ALL RIGHT? WILL YOU LET US SEE WHAT THAT

YOU'RE GOING TO DIE, ALL RIGHT? WILL YOU LET US SEE WHAT THAT FEELS LIKE?

WILL YOU LET US SEE WHAT THAT FEELS LIKE? WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU THINK

FEELS LIKE? WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU THINK ABOUT THAT, OKAY?

WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU THINK ABOUT THAT, OKAY? JUST SHOW THE PEOPLE, OKAY?

ABOUT THAT, OKAY? JUST SHOW THE PEOPLE, OKAY? YOU'RE GONNA DIE. ALL RIGHT?

JUST SHOW THE PEOPLE, OKAY? YOU'RE GONNA DIE. ALL RIGHT? ALL RIGHT. PROPS!

YOU'RE GONNA DIE. ALL RIGHT? ALL RIGHT. PROPS! WILLIE!

ALL RIGHT. PROPS! WILLIE! HEY, ANIMAL.

WILLIE! HEY, ANIMAL. COME HERE, BABY!

HEY, ANIMAL. COME HERE, BABY! ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.

COME HERE, BABY! ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT. I WANT TO SEE THE GOVERNOR'S

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT. I WANT TO SEE THE GOVERNOR'S PHONE IN THIS SHOT, OKAY?

I WANT TO SEE THE GOVERNOR'S PHONE IN THIS SHOT, OKAY? WILL YOU GET IT IN HERE?

PHONE IN THIS SHOT, OKAY? WILL YOU GET IT IN HERE? EVEN IF YOU HAVE TO CHEAT IT,

WILL YOU GET IT IN HERE? EVEN IF YOU HAVE TO CHEAT IT, USE A STILL, WILL YOU, ANIMAL?

EVEN IF YOU HAVE TO CHEAT IT, USE A STILL, WILL YOU, ANIMAL? OKAY. WHERE IS MY PRIEST?

USE A STILL, WILL YOU, ANIMAL? OKAY. WHERE IS MY PRIEST? WHERE IN THE HELL IS HE?

OKAY. WHERE IS MY PRIEST? WHERE IN THE HELL IS HE? RIGHT HERE, JIM.

WHERE IN THE HELL IS HE? RIGHT HERE, JIM. OKAY.

RIGHT HERE, JIM. OKAY. HELLO, REVEREND, HELLO.

OKAY. HELLO, REVEREND, HELLO. WRONG, WRONG, WRONG, WRONG,

HELLO, REVEREND, HELLO. WRONG, WRONG, WRONG, WRONG, WRONG!

WRONG, WRONG, WRONG, WRONG, WRONG! YOU ASKED FOR A BAPTIST

WRONG! YOU ASKED FOR A BAPTIST PRIEST.

YOU ASKED FOR A BAPTIST PRIEST. A BLACK PRIEST IN TEXAS.

PRIEST. A BLACK PRIEST IN TEXAS. TERRIFIC.

A BLACK PRIEST IN TEXAS. TERRIFIC. IT WILL NOT WORK.

TERRIFIC. IT WILL NOT WORK. TAKE HIM, TAKE HIM, TAKE HIM.

IT WILL NOT WORK. TAKE HIM, TAKE HIM, TAKE HIM. GET AWAY FROM ME, GET AWAY FROM

TAKE HIM, TAKE HIM, TAKE HIM. GET AWAY FROM ME, GET AWAY FROM ME, GET AWAY FROM ME!

GET AWAY FROM ME, GET AWAY FROM ME, GET AWAY FROM ME! GO TALK TO FERGUSON.

ME, GET AWAY FROM ME! GO TALK TO FERGUSON. I'M SORRY. OKAY.

GO TALK TO FERGUSON. I'M SORRY. OKAY. ALL RIGHT, WARDEN, EXCUSE ME.

I'M SORRY. OKAY. ALL RIGHT, WARDEN, EXCUSE ME. YOU KNOW WHAT WE NEED HERE?

ALL RIGHT, WARDEN, EXCUSE ME. YOU KNOW WHAT WE NEED HERE? WE NEED A LITTLE BIT OF WARMTH.

YOU KNOW WHAT WE NEED HERE? WE NEED A LITTLE BIT OF WARMTH. NOW, YOU KNOW THE GUY, OKAY?

WE NEED A LITTLE BIT OF WARMTH. NOW, YOU KNOW THE GUY, OKAY? HOW LONG YOU BEEN ON DEATH ROW

NOW, YOU KNOW THE GUY, OKAY? HOW LONG YOU BEEN ON DEATH ROW NOW... MAYBE SEVEN, EIGHT YEARS?

HOW LONG YOU BEEN ON DEATH ROW NOW... MAYBE SEVEN, EIGHT YEARS? SEVEN YEARS, TWO MONTHS.

NOW... MAYBE SEVEN, EIGHT YEARS? SEVEN YEARS, TWO MONTHS. SEVEN YEARS, TWO MONTHS.

SEVEN YEARS, TWO MONTHS. SEVEN YEARS, TWO MONTHS. OKAY.

SEVEN YEARS, TWO MONTHS. OKAY. NOW, I WANT YOU TO PUT YOUR ARM

OKAY. NOW, I WANT YOU TO PUT YOUR ARM AROUND HIM, OKAY?

NOW, I WANT YOU TO PUT YOUR ARM AROUND HIM, OKAY? CAN WE GET THIS?

AROUND HIM, OKAY? CAN WE GET THIS? OH, THAT IS PERFECTO!

CAN WE GET THIS? OH, THAT IS PERFECTO! PERFECTO!

OH, THAT IS PERFECTO! PERFECTO! ISN'T IT WARMER?

PERFECTO! ISN'T IT WARMER? EVERYBODY... WARMER?

ISN'T IT WARMER? EVERYBODY... WARMER? OKAY, GOOD, GOOD, GOOD!

EVERYBODY... WARMER? OKAY, GOOD, GOOD, GOOD! OKAY. ALL RIGHT.

OKAY, GOOD, GOOD, GOOD! OKAY. ALL RIGHT. LET'S PICK IT UP FROM THE LAST

OKAY. ALL RIGHT. LET'S PICK IT UP FROM THE LAST PART... YOUR SPEECH ABOUT THE

LET'S PICK IT UP FROM THE LAST PART... YOUR SPEECH ABOUT THE CHAIR, WARDEN... OKAY?

PART... YOUR SPEECH ABOUT THE CHAIR, WARDEN... OKAY? READY?

CHAIR, WARDEN... OKAY? READY? QUIET, PLEASE!

AND ACTION!

25,000 VOLTS, A.C. OUTPUT, AT

2 AMPS BOOSTED TO 10 AMPS AT

POINT OF EXECUTION.

SAY, THAT'S A LOT OF...

AAH!

CUT! CARDS? AL?! WILL YOU LOOK AT THIS NUT?

CARDS? AL?! WILL YOU LOOK AT THIS NUT? HE'S SHOWING THE LAST CARD.

WILL YOU LOOK AT THIS NUT? HE'S SHOWING THE LAST CARD. GREAT. TERRIFIC.

HE'S SHOWING THE LAST CARD. GREAT. TERRIFIC. THAT'S FOR TOMORROW, YOU BANANA

GREAT. TERRIFIC. THAT'S FOR TOMORROW, YOU BANANA BRAIN.

THAT'S FOR TOMORROW, YOU BANANA BRAIN. GET OUT OF HERE!

BRAIN. GET OUT OF HERE! OH, OKAY, I'M SORRY.

GET OUT OF HERE! OH, OKAY, I'M SORRY. TALK ABOUT BRINGING YOU DOWN

OH, OKAY, I'M SORRY. TALK ABOUT BRINGING YOU DOWN PREMATURELY.

TALK ABOUT BRINGING YOU DOWN PREMATURELY. OKAY, EVERYBODY, THAT IS A

PREMATURELY. OKAY, EVERYBODY, THAT IS A WRAP, OKAY, PEOPLE?

OKAY, EVERYBODY, THAT IS A WRAP, OKAY, PEOPLE? THANK YOU!

WRAP, OKAY, PEOPLE? THANK YOU! DEANO, GET SOME SLEEP, HUH?

THANK YOU! DEANO, GET SOME SLEEP, HUH? YOU GOT SOME CIRCLES HERE UNDER

DEANO, GET SOME SLEEP, HUH? YOU GOT SOME CIRCLES HERE UNDER THE EYES.

YOU GOT SOME CIRCLES HERE UNDER THE EYES. WE WANT YOU TO LOOK TERRIFIC ON

THE EYES. WE WANT YOU TO LOOK TERRIFIC ON WEDNESDAY, OKAY?

WE WANT YOU TO LOOK TERRIFIC ON WEDNESDAY, OKAY? MADELINE, WILL YOU GIVE THEM

WEDNESDAY, OKAY? MADELINE, WILL YOU GIVE THEM THEIR CALLS?

MADELINE, WILL YOU GIVE THEM THEIR CALLS? TOMORROW, EVERYBODY!

THEIR CALLS? TOMORROW, EVERYBODY! PEACE!

TOMORROW, EVERYBODY! PEACE! OKAY, DEAN, WE'LL PICK YOU UP

PEACE! OKAY, DEAN, WE'LL PICK YOU UP TOMORROW MORNING ON DEATH ROW AT

OKAY, DEAN, WE'LL PICK YOU UP TOMORROW MORNING ON DEATH ROW AT 7:30.

TOMORROW MORNING ON DEATH ROW AT 7:30. AND, WARDEN...

7:30. AND, WARDEN... I'LL GET HERE MYSELF.

AND, WARDEN... I'LL GET HERE MYSELF. I GOT MY OWN CAR.

I'LL GET HERE MYSELF. I GOT MY OWN CAR. YOU KNOW, WARDEN, MAY I SAY

I GOT MY OWN CAR. YOU KNOW, WARDEN, MAY I SAY THAT IT'S GETTING A TERRIFIC

YOU KNOW, WARDEN, MAY I SAY THAT IT'S GETTING A TERRIFIC REACTION ON THE SET, AND THEY

THAT IT'S GETTING A TERRIFIC REACTION ON THE SET, AND THEY ARE THE TOUGHEST AUDIENCE.

REACTION ON THE SET, AND THEY ARE THE TOUGHEST AUDIENCE. LET'S GET SOME COFFEE OR

ARE THE TOUGHEST AUDIENCE. LET'S GET SOME COFFEE OR SOMETHING.

LET'S GET SOME COFFEE OR SOMETHING. COME ON.

SOMETHING. COME ON. [APPLAUSE]

HEWWO, THIS IS BABA WAWA. I'M SPEAKING TO YOU TONIGHT FWOM MY HOME, WHICH YOU ALL SAW ON MY

I'M SPEAKING TO YOU TONIGHT FWOM MY HOME, WHICH YOU ALL SAW ON MY WAST SPECIAL AND WEAWWY WIKED A

MY HOME, WHICH YOU ALL SAW ON MY WAST SPECIAL AND WEAWWY WIKED A WOT... WEMEMBER?

WAST SPECIAL AND WEAWWY WIKED A WOT... WEMEMBER? WE TOOK A WITTLE TOUR OF MY

WOT... WEMEMBER? WE TOOK A WITTLE TOUR OF MY PWACE, AND YOU GOT TO SEE SOME

WE TOOK A WITTLE TOUR OF MY PWACE, AND YOU GOT TO SEE SOME OF MY WEAWWY INTEWESTING

PWACE, AND YOU GOT TO SEE SOME OF MY WEAWWY INTEWESTING PERSONAL BEWONGINGS, WIKE A

OF MY WEAWWY INTEWESTING PERSONAL BEWONGINGS, WIKE A MIWWOR, A CWOCK, AND A WITTLE

PERSONAL BEWONGINGS, WIKE A MIWWOR, A CWOCK, AND A WITTLE WUMP OF COAL.

MIWWOR, A CWOCK, AND A WITTLE WUMP OF COAL. PWETTY ENGWOSSING.

WUMP OF COAL. PWETTY ENGWOSSING. I THOUGHT SO, TOO.

PWETTY ENGWOSSING. I THOUGHT SO, TOO. THAT'S WHY, FOR MY NEXT SPECIAL,

I THOUGHT SO, TOO. THAT'S WHY, FOR MY NEXT SPECIAL, INSTEAD OF WASTING TIME WITH

THAT'S WHY, FOR MY NEXT SPECIAL, INSTEAD OF WASTING TIME WITH EXTWANEOUS PEWSONAWITIES WIKE

INSTEAD OF WASTING TIME WITH EXTWANEOUS PEWSONAWITIES WIKE THE PWESIDENT OF THE

EXTWANEOUS PEWSONAWITIES WIKE THE PWESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES, THE WHOLE SHOW IS

THE PWESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES, THE WHOLE SHOW IS GOING TO BE ABOUT ONE TEWWIFIC

UNITED STATES, THE WHOLE SHOW IS GOING TO BE ABOUT ONE TEWWIFIC PEWSON WHO I WEAWWY WESPECT...

GOING TO BE ABOUT ONE TEWWIFIC PEWSON WHO I WEAWWY WESPECT... ME!

PEWSON WHO I WEAWWY WESPECT... ME! INSTEAD OF TALKING TO

ME! INSTEAD OF TALKING TO CEWEBWITIES, I'LL BE TALKING TO

INSTEAD OF TALKING TO CEWEBWITIES, I'LL BE TALKING TO MYSELF.

CEWEBWITIES, I'LL BE TALKING TO MYSELF. IT'LL BE FWEE, FWANK, WEAL, AND

MYSELF. IT'LL BE FWEE, FWANK, WEAL, AND REVEAWING.

IT'LL BE FWEE, FWANK, WEAL, AND REVEAWING. I'LL BE TAKING YOU BACK TO MY

REVEAWING. I'LL BE TAKING YOU BACK TO MY APARTMENT, AND YOU'LL HAVE A

I'LL BE TAKING YOU BACK TO MY APARTMENT, AND YOU'LL HAVE A WARE OPPORTUNITY TO SEE SOME OF

APARTMENT, AND YOU'LL HAVE A WARE OPPORTUNITY TO SEE SOME OF MY FAVOWITE TWINKETS, INCWUDING

WARE OPPORTUNITY TO SEE SOME OF MY FAVOWITE TWINKETS, INCWUDING MY WINGS, MY WUGS, MY DWAPES, MY

MY FAVOWITE TWINKETS, INCWUDING MY WINGS, MY WUGS, MY DWAPES, MY PWANTS, MY WECORDS, MY

MY WINGS, MY WUGS, MY DWAPES, MY PWANTS, MY WECORDS, MY WIPSTICKS, AND MY TWUE WAISON

PWANTS, MY WECORDS, MY WIPSTICKS, AND MY TWUE WAISON D'ETWA.

WIPSTICKS, AND MY TWUE WAISON D'ETWA. ALSO... ALSO, MY WANGE, MY

D'ETWA. ALSO... ALSO, MY WANGE, MY WADIATOR, MY WADIO, MY WECORD

ALSO... ALSO, MY WANGE, MY WADIATOR, MY WADIO, MY WECORD PWAYER, MY WAINCOAT, MY NASAL

WADIATOR, MY WADIO, MY WECORD PWAYER, MY WAINCOAT, MY NASAL ASPIWATOR, AND MY BEST FWIEND,

PWAYER, MY WAINCOAT, MY NASAL ASPIWATOR, AND MY BEST FWIEND, WITA TAYWOR.

ASPIWATOR, AND MY BEST FWIEND, WITA TAYWOR. NOW, A WOT OF PEOPLE THOUGHT MY

WITA TAYWOR. NOW, A WOT OF PEOPLE THOUGHT MY WAST PROGWAM WAS PWETTY CWUMMY.

NOW, A WOT OF PEOPLE THOUGHT MY WAST PROGWAM WAS PWETTY CWUMMY. WELL, THIS ONE IS TWUWY CWAMMED

WAST PROGWAM WAS PWETTY CWUMMY. WELL, THIS ONE IS TWUWY CWAMMED WITH CWEVER WEVEWATIONS,

WELL, THIS ONE IS TWUWY CWAMMED WITH CWEVER WEVEWATIONS, WAPPORT, AND WEPARTEE.

WITH CWEVER WEVEWATIONS, WAPPORT, AND WEPARTEE. SO, TUNE IN TO "BABA WAWA TALKS

WAPPORT, AND WEPARTEE. SO, TUNE IN TO "BABA WAWA TALKS TO HERSELF."

SO, TUNE IN TO "BABA WAWA TALKS TO HERSELF." IT SHOULD BE PWETTY TEWWIFIC.

TO HERSELF." IT SHOULD BE PWETTY TEWWIFIC. [APPLAUSE]

MY NEXT GUEST HAS JUST BEEN NOMINATED FOR FIVE GRAMMY AWARDS.

NOMINATED FOR FIVE GRAMMY AWARDS. HERE HE IS... GEORGE BENSON!

AWARDS. HERE HE IS... GEORGE BENSON! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

HERE HE IS... GEORGE BENSON! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] [INTRODUCTION TO "MASQUERADE"

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] [INTRODUCTION TO "MASQUERADE" PLAYS]

[INTRODUCTION TO "MASQUERADE" PLAYS] ♪ DOO DOO DOO ♪

[PLAYS] ♪ DOO DOO DOO ♪ ♪ DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO ♪

♪ DOO DOO DOO ♪ ♪ DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO ♪ [SINGING ALONG WITH GUITAR

♪ DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO ♪ [SINGING ALONG WITH GUITAR MELODY]

♪ ARE WE REALLY HAPPY HERE WITH THIS LONELY GAME WE PLAY? ♪ ♪ LOOKING FOR WORDS TO SAY ♪

THIS LONELY GAME WE PLAY? ♪ ♪ LOOKING FOR WORDS TO SAY ♪ ♪ SEARCHING BUT NOT FINDING ♪

♪ LOOKING FOR WORDS TO SAY ♪ ♪ SEARCHING BUT NOT FINDING ♪ ♪ UNDERSTANDING ANYWAY ♪

♪ SEARCHING BUT NOT FINDING ♪ ♪ UNDERSTANDING ANYWAY ♪ ♪ WE'RE LOST IN A MAS... ♪

♪ UNDERSTANDING ANYWAY ♪ ♪ WE'RE LOST IN A MAS... ♪ ♪ MASQUERADE ♪

♪ WE'RE LOST IN A MAS... ♪ ♪ MASQUERADE ♪ ♪ WE'RE BOTH AFRAID TO SAY WE'RE

♪ MASQUERADE ♪ ♪ WE'RE BOTH AFRAID TO SAY WE'RE JUST TOO FAR AWAY ♪

♪ WE'RE BOTH AFRAID TO SAY WE'RE JUST TOO FAR AWAY ♪ ♪ MM-HMM ♪

JUST TOO FAR AWAY ♪ ♪ MM-HMM ♪ ♪ FROM BEING CLOSE TOGETHER FROM

♪ MM-HMM ♪ ♪ FROM BEING CLOSE TOGETHER FROM THE START ♪

♪ FROM BEING CLOSE TOGETHER FROM THE START ♪ ♪ WE TRIED TO TALK IT OVER, BUT

THE START ♪ ♪ WE TRIED TO TALK IT OVER, BUT THE WORDS GOT IN THE WAY ♪

♪ WE TRIED TO TALK IT OVER, BUT THE WORDS GOT IN THE WAY ♪ ♪ WE'RE LOST INSIDE THIS LONELY

THE WORDS GOT IN THE WAY ♪ ♪ WE'RE LOST INSIDE THIS LONELY GAME WE PLAY ♪

♪ WE'RE LOST INSIDE THIS LONELY GAME WE PLAY ♪ ♪ THOUGHTS OF WEEPING DISAPPEAR

GAME WE PLAY ♪ ♪ THOUGHTS OF WEEPING DISAPPEAR EVERY TIME I SEE YOUR EYES ♪

♪ THOUGHTS OF WEEPING DISAPPEAR EVERY TIME I SEE YOUR EYES ♪ ♪ NO MATTER HOW HARD... HOW HARD

EVERY TIME I SEE YOUR EYES ♪ ♪ NO MATTER HOW HARD... HOW HARD I TRY ♪

♪ NO MATTER HOW HARD... HOW HARD I TRY ♪ ♪ OH ♪

I TRY ♪ ♪ OH ♪ ♪ TO UNDERSTAND THE REASONS THAT

♪ OH ♪ ♪ TO UNDERSTAND THE REASONS THAT WE CARRY ON THIS WAY ♪

♪ TO UNDERSTAND THE REASONS THAT WE CARRY ON THIS WAY ♪ ♪ YOU KNOW, WE'RE LOST IN A

WE CARRY ON THIS WAY ♪ ♪ YOU KNOW, WE'RE LOST IN A MASQUERADE ♪

♪ YOU KNOW, WE'RE LOST IN A MASQUERADE ♪ ♪ WHOA ♪

MASQUERADE ♪ ♪ WHOA ♪ ♪ IN A MASQUERADE ♪

♪ WHOA ♪ ♪ IN A MASQUERADE ♪ ♪ OOH, OOH ♪

♪ IN A MASQUERADE ♪ ♪ OOH, OOH ♪ [SINGING ALONG WITH GUITAR

♪ OOH, OOH ♪ [SINGING ALONG WITH GUITAR MELODY]

♪ IN A MASQUERADE ♪ [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

OKAY, MS. GREEN, WHAT TIME IS MY FLIGHT TO PLAINS? 5:00.

IS MY FLIGHT TO PLAINS? 5:00. NOW, THAT'S IN TWO HOURS.

5:00. NOW, THAT'S IN TWO HOURS. NOW, MR. NADER, HOW LONG ARE YOU

NOW, THAT'S IN TWO HOURS. NOW, MR. NADER, HOW LONG ARE YOU GOING TO BE THERE?

NOW, MR. NADER, HOW LONG ARE YOU GOING TO BE THERE? THAT DEPENDS ON WHETHER HE'S

GOING TO BE THERE? THAT DEPENDS ON WHETHER HE'S INTERESTED IN WHAT I HAVE TO

THAT DEPENDS ON WHETHER HE'S INTERESTED IN WHAT I HAVE TO SAY.

INTERESTED IN WHAT I HAVE TO SAY. DID YOU HAVE MY OTHER DARK SUIT

SAY. DID YOU HAVE MY OTHER DARK SUIT CLEANED?

DID YOU HAVE MY OTHER DARK SUIT CLEANED? YES, SIR, I CLEANED YOUR

CLEANED? YES, SIR, I CLEANED YOUR OTHER SUIT AND YOUR TIE.

YES, SIR, I CLEANED YOUR OTHER SUIT AND YOUR TIE. OKAY.

OTHER SUIT AND YOUR TIE. OKAY. I'M GOING TO SLEEP FOR A COUPLE

OKAY. I'M GOING TO SLEEP FOR A COUPLE OF HOURS.

I'M GOING TO SLEEP FOR A COUPLE OF HOURS. WAKE ME UP WHEN IT'S TIME TO GO.

OF HOURS. WAKE ME UP WHEN IT'S TIME TO GO. ALL RIGHT, YES, MR. NADER.

WAKE ME UP WHEN IT'S TIME TO GO. ALL RIGHT, YES, MR. NADER. AH, CARTER.

ALL RIGHT, YES, MR. NADER. AH, CARTER. WHAT A CABINET.

AH, CARTER. WHAT A CABINET. I WONDER IF HE REALLY CARES WHAT

WHAT A CABINET. I WONDER IF HE REALLY CARES WHAT I THINK NOW THAT THE ELECTION IS

I WONDER IF HE REALLY CARES WHAT I THINK NOW THAT THE ELECTION IS OVER.

I THINK NOW THAT THE ELECTION IS OVER. [HARP PLAYS]

[KNOCK ON DOOR] COME IN. [DOOR OPENS, CLOSES]

COME IN. [DOOR OPENS, CLOSES] OH, RALPH.

[DOOR OPENS, CLOSES] OH, RALPH. IT'S VERY NICE TO SEE YOU.

OH, RALPH. IT'S VERY NICE TO SEE YOU. HOW ARE YOU?

IT'S VERY NICE TO SEE YOU. HOW ARE YOU? JUST FINE.

HOW ARE YOU? JUST FINE. WON'T YOU SIT DOWN?

JUST FINE. WON'T YOU SIT DOWN? WANT SOME PEANUTS?

WON'T YOU SIT DOWN? WANT SOME PEANUTS? THANKS.

WANT SOME PEANUTS? THANKS. I HOPE YOU'RE SINCERE, JIMMY.

THANKS. I HOPE YOU'RE SINCERE, JIMMY. I'VE BEEN QUITE CRITICAL OF YOU

I HOPE YOU'RE SINCERE, JIMMY. I'VE BEEN QUITE CRITICAL OF YOU LATELY.

I'VE BEEN QUITE CRITICAL OF YOU LATELY. WELL, I WANT TO EXPLAIN TO

LATELY. WELL, I WANT TO EXPLAIN TO YOU, RALPH, THAT I CHOSE MY

WELL, I WANT TO EXPLAIN TO YOU, RALPH, THAT I CHOSE MY CABINET TO PLACATE THE

YOU, RALPH, THAT I CHOSE MY CABINET TO PLACATE THE CONSERVATIVES.

CABINET TO PLACATE THE CONSERVATIVES. ONCE I ASSUME THE ROLE OF

CONSERVATIVES. ONCE I ASSUME THE ROLE OF PRESIDENT, I'LL BE READY TO

ONCE I ASSUME THE ROLE OF PRESIDENT, I'LL BE READY TO IMPLEMENT MY IDEALISTIC CHANGES,

PRESIDENT, I'LL BE READY TO IMPLEMENT MY IDEALISTIC CHANGES, AND I'LL... WELL, I'M GLAD

IMPLEMENT MY IDEALISTIC CHANGES, AND I'LL... WELL, I'M GLAD YOU'RE HERE BECAUSE I WANT YOU

AND I'LL... WELL, I'M GLAD YOU'RE HERE BECAUSE I WANT YOU TO TELL ME EXACTLY WHAT YOU WANT

YOU'RE HERE BECAUSE I WANT YOU TO TELL ME EXACTLY WHAT YOU WANT ME TO DO WHEN I BECOME

TO TELL ME EXACTLY WHAT YOU WANT ME TO DO WHEN I BECOME PRESIDENT.

ME TO DO WHEN I BECOME PRESIDENT. GO AHEAD. I'M ALL EARS.

PRESIDENT. GO AHEAD. I'M ALL EARS. OKAY, OKAY, I'M DELIGHTED.

GO AHEAD. I'M ALL EARS. OKAY, OKAY, I'M DELIGHTED. FIRST OF ALL, YOU SHOULD CALL A

OKAY, OKAY, I'M DELIGHTED. FIRST OF ALL, YOU SHOULD CALL A MORATORIUM ON NUCLEAR ENERGY.

FIRST OF ALL, YOU SHOULD CALL A MORATORIUM ON NUCLEAR ENERGY. OKAY.

MORATORIUM ON NUCLEAR ENERGY. OKAY. I GUESS YOU'RE RIGHT.

OKAY. I GUESS YOU'RE RIGHT. NOW THAT YOU MENTION IT, NUCLEAR

I GUESS YOU'RE RIGHT. NOW THAT YOU MENTION IT, NUCLEAR ENERGY REALLY IS A DOOMSDAY

NOW THAT YOU MENTION IT, NUCLEAR ENERGY REALLY IS A DOOMSDAY TECHNOLOGY.

ENERGY REALLY IS A DOOMSDAY TECHNOLOGY. YOU GOT IT.

TECHNOLOGY. YOU GOT IT. NO PROBLEM.

YOU GOT IT. NO PROBLEM. CAN YOU INTRODUCE A CORPORATE

NO PROBLEM. CAN YOU INTRODUCE A CORPORATE ACCOUNTABILITY ACT?

CAN YOU INTRODUCE A CORPORATE ACCOUNTABILITY ACT? TOUGHER ANTI-POLLUTION LAWS?

ACCOUNTABILITY ACT? TOUGHER ANTI-POLLUTION LAWS? BRILLIANT. WONDERFUL.

TOUGHER ANTI-POLLUTION LAWS? BRILLIANT. WONDERFUL. I'LL DO IT.

BRILLIANT. WONDERFUL. I'LL DO IT. DEFINITELY.

I'LL DO IT. DEFINITELY. AND IF YOU CAN PROMOTE AND

DEFINITELY. AND IF YOU CAN PROMOTE AND SIGN OUR BILL, S-1234, TO FORM A

AND IF YOU CAN PROMOTE AND SIGN OUR BILL, S-1234, TO FORM A NATIONAL CONSUMERS' COOPERATIVE

SIGN OUR BILL, S-1234, TO FORM A NATIONAL CONSUMERS' COOPERATIVE BANK TO HELP FINANCE SMALL

NATIONAL CONSUMERS' COOPERATIVE BANK TO HELP FINANCE SMALL BUSINESS AND GIVE CONSUMERS

BANK TO HELP FINANCE SMALL BUSINESS AND GIVE CONSUMERS SOVEREIGNTY IN THE MARKETPLACE.

BUSINESS AND GIVE CONSUMERS SOVEREIGNTY IN THE MARKETPLACE. SOME OF OUR CABINET MEMBERS

SOVEREIGNTY IN THE MARKETPLACE. SOME OF OUR CABINET MEMBERS ARE REALLY GONNA FLIP.

SOME OF OUR CABINET MEMBERS ARE REALLY GONNA FLIP. AND HOW ABOUT A

ARE REALLY GONNA FLIP. AND HOW ABOUT A WHISTLE-BLOWERS ACT TO PROTECT

AND HOW ABOUT A WHISTLE-BLOWERS ACT TO PROTECT PEOPLE LIKE ERNIE FITZGERALD,

WHISTLE-BLOWERS ACT TO PROTECT PEOPLE LIKE ERNIE FITZGERALD, WHO BLEW THE WHISTLE ON PENTAGON

PEOPLE LIKE ERNIE FITZGERALD, WHO BLEW THE WHISTLE ON PENTAGON WASTE?

WHO BLEW THE WHISTLE ON PENTAGON WASTE? OKAY. YOU GOT IT.

WASTE? OKAY. YOU GOT IT. DEFINITELY.

OKAY. YOU GOT IT. DEFINITELY. YOU'VE BEEN DOING SOME GOOD

DEFINITELY. YOU'VE BEEN DOING SOME GOOD TALKING.

YOU'VE BEEN DOING SOME GOOD TALKING. EVERYTHING YOU MENTIONED IS

TALKING. EVERYTHING YOU MENTIONED IS POSITIVE, DYNAMIC LEGISLATION.

EVERYTHING YOU MENTIONED IS POSITIVE, DYNAMIC LEGISLATION. I GIVE YOU MY WORD THAT I'LL DO

POSITIVE, DYNAMIC LEGISLATION. I GIVE YOU MY WORD THAT I'LL DO EVERYTHING IN MY SCOPE OF

I GIVE YOU MY WORD THAT I'LL DO EVERYTHING IN MY SCOPE OF INFLUENCE TO MAKE SURE THAT IT'S

EVERYTHING IN MY SCOPE OF INFLUENCE TO MAKE SURE THAT IT'S ENACTED.

INFLUENCE TO MAKE SURE THAT IT'S ENACTED. THAT'S WONDERFUL, JIMMY.

ENACTED. THAT'S WONDERFUL, JIMMY. IT'S ABOUT TIME THIS COUNTRY HAD

THAT'S WONDERFUL, JIMMY. IT'S ABOUT TIME THIS COUNTRY HAD SOMEBODY WITH YOUR COURAGE IN

IT'S ABOUT TIME THIS COUNTRY HAD SOMEBODY WITH YOUR COURAGE IN THE OVAL OFFICE.

SOMEBODY WITH YOUR COURAGE IN THE OVAL OFFICE. YOU CAN COUNT ON IT, RALPH.

THE OVAL OFFICE. YOU CAN COUNT ON IT, RALPH. SAY, JUST SO LONG AS YOU'RE

YOU CAN COUNT ON IT, RALPH. SAY, JUST SO LONG AS YOU'RE HERE, WHY DON'T YOU TAKE A LOOK

SAY, JUST SO LONG AS YOU'RE HERE, WHY DON'T YOU TAKE A LOOK AT SOME OF MY PLANS FOR MY

HERE, WHY DON'T YOU TAKE A LOOK AT SOME OF MY PLANS FOR MY INAUGURATION?

AT SOME OF MY PLANS FOR MY INAUGURATION? TERRIFIC.

INAUGURATION? TERRIFIC. SINCE I'M NOT INVITED, I'D LOVE

TERRIFIC. SINCE I'M NOT INVITED, I'D LOVE TO SEE WHAT KIND OF INAUGURATION

SINCE I'M NOT INVITED, I'D LOVE TO SEE WHAT KIND OF INAUGURATION YOU'RE GONNA HAVE.

TO SEE WHAT KIND OF INAUGURATION YOU'RE GONNA HAVE. I'M GONNA TELL YOU, RALPH,

YOU'RE GONNA HAVE. I'M GONNA TELL YOU, RALPH, THIS IS GONNA BE THE GREATEST

I'M GONNA TELL YOU, RALPH, THIS IS GONNA BE THE GREATEST PARTY THIS UNION HAS EVER SEEN.

THIS IS GONNA BE THE GREATEST PARTY THIS UNION HAS EVER SEEN. ["DIXIE" PLAYS]

PARTY THIS UNION HAS EVER SEEN. ["DIXIE" PLAYS] MY PEOPLE HAVE BEEN WAITING 110

["DIXIE" PLAYS] MY PEOPLE HAVE BEEN WAITING 110 YEARS FOR THIS TRIUMPHAL MARCH

MY PEOPLE HAVE BEEN WAITING 110 YEARS FOR THIS TRIUMPHAL MARCH OF THE CONFEDERACY TO

YEARS FOR THIS TRIUMPHAL MARCH OF THE CONFEDERACY TO WASHINGTON.

OF THE CONFEDERACY TO WASHINGTON. FINALLY THE FLAGRANT RAPE OF THE

WASHINGTON. FINALLY THE FLAGRANT RAPE OF THE CONFEDERACY BY THE YANKEE WAR

FINALLY THE FLAGRANT RAPE OF THE CONFEDERACY BY THE YANKEE WAR DOGS IS GONNA BE AVENGED.

CONFEDERACY BY THE YANKEE WAR DOGS IS GONNA BE AVENGED. ON WEDNESDAY NIGHT, THE FIFTH

DOGS IS GONNA BE AVENGED. ON WEDNESDAY NIGHT, THE FIFTH DIVISION OF THE GEORGIA NATIONAL

ON WEDNESDAY NIGHT, THE FIFTH DIVISION OF THE GEORGIA NATIONAL GUARD... THAT IS, THE

DIVISION OF THE GEORGIA NATIONAL GUARD... THAT IS, THE LILLIAN CARTER WING... IN TANKS

GUARD... THAT IS, THE LILLIAN CARTER WING... IN TANKS AND ARMORED PERSONNEL CARRIERS,

LILLIAN CARTER WING... IN TANKS AND ARMORED PERSONNEL CARRIERS, ROLLS NORTH THROUGH THE

AND ARMORED PERSONNEL CARRIERS, ROLLS NORTH THROUGH THE CAROLINAS.

ROLLS NORTH THROUGH THE CAROLINAS. IT SPLITS HERE AT RALEIGH INTO

CAROLINAS. IT SPLITS HERE AT RALEIGH INTO A PINCER CLAW, TO BE

IT SPLITS HERE AT RALEIGH INTO A PINCER CLAW, TO BE COMPLEMENTED BY THE

A PINCER CLAW, TO BE COMPLEMENTED BY THE GEORGE WALLACE TACTICAL AIR WING

COMPLEMENTED BY THE GEORGE WALLACE TACTICAL AIR WING OF THE CONFEDERATE AIR FORCE.

GEORGE WALLACE TACTICAL AIR WING OF THE CONFEDERATE AIR FORCE. THE 20th ARMORED GROUP, LED BY

OF THE CONFEDERATE AIR FORCE. THE 20th ARMORED GROUP, LED BY 5-TIME NASCAR WINNER

THE 20th ARMORED GROUP, LED BY 5-TIME NASCAR WINNER CALE YARBOROUGH, WILL ROLL

5-TIME NASCAR WINNER CALE YARBOROUGH, WILL ROLL THROUGH KENTUCKY AND

CALE YARBOROUGH, WILL ROLL THROUGH KENTUCKY AND WEST VIRGINIA ONTO BATTLE

THROUGH KENTUCKY AND WEST VIRGINIA ONTO BATTLE EMPLACEMENTS HERE ON THE

WEST VIRGINIA ONTO BATTLE EMPLACEMENTS HERE ON THE SHENANDOAH RIVER.

EMPLACEMENTS HERE ON THE SHENANDOAH RIVER. RALPH, THEY WHIPPED US BAD AT

SHENANDOAH RIVER. RALPH, THEY WHIPPED US BAD AT RALEIGH AND AT VICKSBURG AND

RALPH, THEY WHIPPED US BAD AT RALEIGH AND AT VICKSBURG AND MEMPHIS AND SHILOH AND

RALEIGH AND AT VICKSBURG AND MEMPHIS AND SHILOH AND APPOMATTOX.

MEMPHIS AND SHILOH AND APPOMATTOX. DO YOU KNOW THAT SHERMAN RAN A

APPOMATTOX. DO YOU KNOW THAT SHERMAN RAN A SWATH THROUGH GEORGIA 50 MILES

DO YOU KNOW THAT SHERMAN RAN A SWATH THROUGH GEORGIA 50 MILES WIDE?

SWATH THROUGH GEORGIA 50 MILES WIDE? 50 MILES OF THE CHOICEST, MOST

WIDE? 50 MILES OF THE CHOICEST, MOST BEAUTIFUL PEANUT COUNTRY IN THE

50 MILES OF THE CHOICEST, MOST BEAUTIFUL PEANUT COUNTRY IN THE CONFEDERACY.

BEAUTIFUL PEANUT COUNTRY IN THE CONFEDERACY. ON THE NIGHT OF THE 20th, THE

CONFEDERACY. ON THE NIGHT OF THE 20th, THE TACTICAL ASSAULT BRIGADE OF THE

ON THE NIGHT OF THE 20th, THE TACTICAL ASSAULT BRIGADE OF THE GREGG ALLMAN LAND-SEA BRIGADE

TACTICAL ASSAULT BRIGADE OF THE GREGG ALLMAN LAND-SEA BRIGADE WILL SEIZE AND BURN WASHINGTON.

GREGG ALLMAN LAND-SEA BRIGADE WILL SEIZE AND BURN WASHINGTON. THE ZERO-BASED BUDGETING I HAVE

WILL SEIZE AND BURN WASHINGTON. THE ZERO-BASED BUDGETING I HAVE PROPOSED WILL HELP ME REVALIDATE

THE ZERO-BASED BUDGETING I HAVE PROPOSED WILL HELP ME REVALIDATE CONFEDERATE CURRENCY.

PROPOSED WILL HELP ME REVALIDATE CONFEDERATE CURRENCY. YAHOO!

CONFEDERATE CURRENCY. YAHOO! YAHOO!

YAHOO! YAHOO! AND YOU, RALPH NADER, THE BEST

YAHOO! AND YOU, RALPH NADER, THE BEST CONSUMER ADVOCATE IN THE WORLD,

AND YOU, RALPH NADER, THE BEST CONSUMER ADVOCATE IN THE WORLD, I WANT YOU WORKING WITH ME.

CONSUMER ADVOCATE IN THE WORLD, I WANT YOU WORKING WITH ME. I HAVE AN OFFICE SET UP IN

I WANT YOU WORKING WITH ME. I HAVE AN OFFICE SET UP IN PLAINS FOR YOU.

I HAVE AN OFFICE SET UP IN PLAINS FOR YOU. MY MEN WILL TAKE YOU OVER THERE

PLAINS FOR YOU. MY MEN WILL TAKE YOU OVER THERE NOW.

MY MEN WILL TAKE YOU OVER THERE NOW. IT'S TIME FOR YOU TO GO, RALPH.

NOW. IT'S TIME FOR YOU TO GO, RALPH. TIME FOR YOU TO GO...

IT'S TIME FOR YOU TO GO, RALPH. TIME FOR YOU TO GO... TIME FOR YOU TO GO...

TIME FOR YOU TO GO... TIME FOR YOU TO GO... MR. NADER, IT'S TIME FOR YOU

TIME FOR YOU TO GO... MR. NADER, IT'S TIME FOR YOU TO GO.

MR. NADER, IT'S TIME FOR YOU TO GO. MR. NADER, WERE YOU HAVING A

TO GO. MR. NADER, WERE YOU HAVING A DREAM?

MR. NADER, WERE YOU HAVING A DREAM? YEAH. I GUESS SO.

DREAM? YEAH. I GUESS SO. I WAS DREAMING.

YEAH. I GUESS SO. I WAS DREAMING. BUT WHERE DID ALL THESE PEANUTS

I WAS DREAMING. BUT WHERE DID ALL THESE PEANUTS COME FROM?

BUT WHERE DID ALL THESE PEANUTS COME FROM? [APPLAUSE]

Announcer: AND NOW

"WEEKEND UPDATE" WITH

JANE CURTIN.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

HELLO?

HI, JANE?

THIS IS JOHN... JOHN BELUSHI.

HI, JOHN, HOW ARE YOU?

WELL, NOT TOO GOOD, ACTUALLY.

YOU PROBABLY NOTICED I HAVEN'T

BEEN IN THE SHOW YET.

WELL, SEE, THAT'S 'CAUSE I'M IN

THE HOSPITAL.

I HAVE A HURT LEG, YOU KNOW.

I GOT A KNEE INJURY, KIND OF

LIKE A JOE NAMATH KIND OF THING,

YOU KNOW?

YEAH, I'VE BEEN HERE LIKE A

WEEK, JANE, AND NOBODY HAS COME

TO VISIT ME OR ANYTHING, NOBODY

HAS EVEN CALLED, AND THERE

HASN'T BEEN ANY PUBLICITY ABOUT

ME NOT DOING THE SHOW.

WHEN CHASE WAS IN THE HOSPITAL,

THERE WAS A LOT OF PUBLICITY.

YEAH, JOHN, WE DIDN'T WANT TO

DEPRESS EVERYONE DURING THE

FIRST PART OF THE SHOW, SO WE

THOUGHT WE'D WAIT UNTIL THE

"GOOD NIGHTS" TO TELL THEM ABOUT

IT.

OH. OKAY.

WELL, I JUST WANT TO TELL

EVERYONE THAT I AM IN THE

HOSPITAL.

I HURT MY LEG.

IT'S A TORN MENISCUS IN THE

KNEE.

IT'S CARTILAGE.

IT NEEDS TO BE OPERATED ON.

BUT I WILL BE BACK NEXT WEEK, WITH OR WITHOUT MY LEG. THEY'RE THINKING ABOUT CUTTING

WITH OR WITHOUT MY LEG. THEY'RE THINKING ABOUT CUTTING IT OFF WITH A CHAIN SAW, BUT I'M

THEY'RE THINKING ABOUT CUTTING IT OFF WITH A CHAIN SAW, BUT I'M HOPING NOT TO.

IT OFF WITH A CHAIN SAW, BUT I'M HOPING NOT TO. BY THE WAY, HEY, WHO'S THAT NEW

HOPING NOT TO. BY THE WAY, HEY, WHO'S THAT NEW KID IN THE SHOW, THE ONE WITH

BY THE WAY, HEY, WHO'S THAT NEW KID IN THE SHOW, THE ONE WITH THE MUSTACHE?

KID IN THE SHOW, THE ONE WITH THE MUSTACHE? MURPHY? WHAT'S HIS NAME?

THE MUSTACHE? MURPHY? WHAT'S HIS NAME? NO, NO, NO. BILLY MURRAY.

MURPHY? WHAT'S HIS NAME? NO, NO, NO. BILLY MURRAY. ISN'T HE GREAT?

NO, NO, NO. BILLY MURRAY. ISN'T HE GREAT? HE CAN DO ANYTHING.

ISN'T HE GREAT? HE CAN DO ANYTHING. [SCOFFS] YEAH. SURE.

HE CAN DO ANYTHING. [SCOFFS] YEAH. SURE. I'M SURE HE CAN.

[SCOFFS] YEAH. SURE. I'M SURE HE CAN. HOW ABOUT A SAMURAI?

I'M SURE HE CAN. HOW ABOUT A SAMURAI? CAN HE DO A SAMURAI?

HOW ABOUT A SAMURAI? CAN HE DO A SAMURAI? BILLY DOES THE BEST SAMURAI I

CAN HE DO A SAMURAI? BILLY DOES THE BEST SAMURAI I HAVE EVER SEEN.

BILLY DOES THE BEST SAMURAI I HAVE EVER SEEN. IT'S LIKE WATCHING

HAVE EVER SEEN. IT'S LIKE WATCHING TOSHIRO MIFUNE.

IT'S LIKE WATCHING TOSHIRO MIFUNE. YEAH, WELL, IMITATIONS ARE

TOSHIRO MIFUNE. YEAH, WELL, IMITATIONS ARE EASY.

YEAH, WELL, IMITATIONS ARE EASY. THEY'RE CHEAP.

EASY. THEY'RE CHEAP. ANYBODY CAN DO IMITATIONS.

THEY'RE CHEAP. ANYBODY CAN DO IMITATIONS. CAN HE ACT, JANE?

ANYBODY CAN DO IMITATIONS. CAN HE ACT, JANE? CAN HE ACT?

CAN HE ACT, JANE? CAN HE ACT? JOHN, I HAVE BEEN DOING

CAN HE ACT? JOHN, I HAVE BEEN DOING SCENES WITH HIM ALL WEEK, AND HE

JOHN, I HAVE BEEN DOING SCENES WITH HIM ALL WEEK, AND HE IS A GEM TO WORK WITH.

SCENES WITH HIM ALL WEEK, AND HE IS A GEM TO WORK WITH. AND, YOU KNOW, HE DOESN'T MIND

IS A GEM TO WORK WITH. AND, YOU KNOW, HE DOESN'T MIND BEING A BEE?

AND, YOU KNOW, HE DOESN'T MIND BEING A BEE? [LAUGHS]

BEING A BEE? [LAUGHS] HEY, JOHN, I GOT TO GO.

[LAUGHS] HEY, JOHN, I GOT TO GO. CALL US WHEN YOU GET BACK FROM

HEY, JOHN, I GOT TO GO. CALL US WHEN YOU GET BACK FROM THE HOSPITAL, OKAY, AND COME UP

CALL US WHEN YOU GET BACK FROM THE HOSPITAL, OKAY, AND COME UP AND VISIT US AT THE OFFICE ANY

THE HOSPITAL, OKAY, AND COME UP AND VISIT US AT THE OFFICE ANY TIME.

AND VISIT US AT THE OFFICE ANY TIME. LISTEN, DO I GET PAID FOR

TIME. LISTEN, DO I GET PAID FOR THIS SHOW THIS WEEK?

LISTEN, DO I GET PAID FOR THIS SHOW THIS WEEK? BYE, JOHN.

THIS SHOW THIS WEEK? BYE, JOHN. I'D LIKE TO BUY MYSELF

BYE, JOHN. I'D LIKE TO BUY MYSELF FLOWERS.

I'D LIKE TO BUY MYSELF FLOWERS. [CLEARS THROAT]

FLOWERS. [CLEARS THROAT] OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT... IN ONE

[CLEARS THROAT] OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT... IN ONE OF HIS FINAL ACTS AS COMMANDER

OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT... IN ONE OF HIS FINAL ACTS AS COMMANDER IN CHIEF, PRESIDENT GERALD FORD

OF HIS FINAL ACTS AS COMMANDER IN CHIEF, PRESIDENT GERALD FORD MADE A LAST-DITCH EFFORT THIS

IN CHIEF, PRESIDENT GERALD FORD MADE A LAST-DITCH EFFORT THIS WEEK TO BEAUTIFY AMERICA BY

MADE A LAST-DITCH EFFORT THIS WEEK TO BEAUTIFY AMERICA BY STRANGLING LADYBIRD JOHNSON.

WEEK TO BEAUTIFY AMERICA BY STRANGLING LADYBIRD JOHNSON. IN ASPEN, COLORADO, A JURY FOUND

STRANGLING LADYBIRD JOHNSON. IN ASPEN, COLORADO, A JURY FOUND CLAUDINE LONGET GUILTY OF

IN ASPEN, COLORADO, A JURY FOUND CLAUDINE LONGET GUILTY OF "CRIMINALLY NEGLIGENT HOMICIDE,"

CLAUDINE LONGET GUILTY OF "CRIMINALLY NEGLIGENT HOMICIDE," AND SENTENCING WAS SET FOR

"CRIMINALLY NEGLIGENT HOMICIDE," AND SENTENCING WAS SET FOR JANUARY 31st.

AND SENTENCING WAS SET FOR JANUARY 31st. IF THE MAXIMUM SENTENCE IS

JANUARY 31st. IF THE MAXIMUM SENTENCE IS HANDED DOWN, THE FORMER WIFE OF

IF THE MAXIMUM SENTENCE IS HANDED DOWN, THE FORMER WIFE OF SINGER ANDY WILLIAMS COULD BE

HANDED DOWN, THE FORMER WIFE OF SINGER ANDY WILLIAMS COULD BE SENT UP MOON RIVER FOR TWO

SINGER ANDY WILLIAMS COULD BE SENT UP MOON RIVER FOR TWO YEARS.

SENT UP MOON RIVER FOR TWO YEARS. LAST MONTH, JIMMY CARTER CAUSED

YEARS. LAST MONTH, JIMMY CARTER CAUSED AN UPROAR AMONG TRADITIONALISTS

LAST MONTH, JIMMY CARTER CAUSED AN UPROAR AMONG TRADITIONALISTS WHEN HE SAID HE DIDN'T INTEND TO

AN UPROAR AMONG TRADITIONALISTS WHEN HE SAID HE DIDN'T INTEND TO WEAR THE CUSTOMARY STOVEPIPE HAT

WHEN HE SAID HE DIDN'T INTEND TO WEAR THE CUSTOMARY STOVEPIPE HAT TO HIS INAUGURATION.

WEAR THE CUSTOMARY STOVEPIPE HAT TO HIS INAUGURATION. HOWEVER, THIS WEEK, HE BOWED TO

TO HIS INAUGURATION. HOWEVER, THIS WEEK, HE BOWED TO THE TRADITIONALIST DEMANDS, AND

HOWEVER, THIS WEEK, HE BOWED TO THE TRADITIONALIST DEMANDS, AND HERE HE IS SHOWN IN HIS

THE TRADITIONALIST DEMANDS, AND HERE HE IS SHOWN IN HIS INAUGURATION ATTIRE, INCLUDING

HERE HE IS SHOWN IN HIS INAUGURATION ATTIRE, INCLUDING THE HAT.

INAUGURATION ATTIRE, INCLUDING THE HAT. WELL, THE INAUGURATION IS ONLY

THE HAT. WELL, THE INAUGURATION IS ONLY FIVE DAYS AWAY, AND AS A SPECIAL

WELL, THE INAUGURATION IS ONLY FIVE DAYS AWAY, AND AS A SPECIAL FEATURE, BILL MURRAY HAS A LOOK

FIVE DAYS AWAY, AND AS A SPECIAL FEATURE, BILL MURRAY HAS A LOOK AT OUR FUTURE FIRST LADY.

FEATURE, BILL MURRAY HAS A LOOK AT OUR FUTURE FIRST LADY. BILL, YOU'VE BEEN FOLLOWING

AT OUR FUTURE FIRST LADY. BILL, YOU'VE BEEN FOLLOWING ROSALYNN CARTER NOW FOR ABOUT

BILL, YOU'VE BEEN FOLLOWING ROSALYNN CARTER NOW FOR ABOUT TWO YEARS.

ROSALYNN CARTER NOW FOR ABOUT TWO YEARS. IS THIS RIGHT?

TWO YEARS. IS THIS RIGHT? FOLLOWING, INDEED, JANE.

IS THIS RIGHT? FOLLOWING, INDEED, JANE. [BOTH CHUCKLE]

FOLLOWING, INDEED, JANE. [BOTH CHUCKLE] ROSALYNN CARTER IS NOT ONLY

[BOTH CHUCKLE] ROSALYNN CARTER IS NOT ONLY GOING TO BE A VERY DYNAMIC FIRST

ROSALYNN CARTER IS NOT ONLY GOING TO BE A VERY DYNAMIC FIRST LADY, BUT ALSO A VERY ATTRACTIVE

GOING TO BE A VERY DYNAMIC FIRST LADY, BUT ALSO A VERY ATTRACTIVE ONE.

LADY, BUT ALSO A VERY ATTRACTIVE ONE. HER LUSH, BRUNETTE GOOD LOOKS

ONE. HER LUSH, BRUNETTE GOOD LOOKS ARE SULTRY, SOUTHERN, AND

HER LUSH, BRUNETTE GOOD LOOKS ARE SULTRY, SOUTHERN, AND S-E-X-Y.

ARE SULTRY, SOUTHERN, AND S-E-X-Y. THOSE BIG, BROWN EYES AND THOSE

S-E-X-Y. THOSE BIG, BROWN EYES AND THOSE FULL, POUTY, POUTY LIPS BRING A

THOSE BIG, BROWN EYES AND THOSE FULL, POUTY, POUTY LIPS BRING A SMOLDERING SENSUALITY TO THE

FULL, POUTY, POUTY LIPS BRING A SMOLDERING SENSUALITY TO THE WHITE HOUSE.

SMOLDERING SENSUALITY TO THE WHITE HOUSE. THERE IS SOMETHING ABOUT THE

WHITE HOUSE. THERE IS SOMETHING ABOUT THE BACK OF A WOMAN'S LEG.

THERE IS SOMETHING ABOUT THE BACK OF A WOMAN'S LEG. AND IF I WERE TO LOOK IN MY

BACK OF A WOMAN'S LEG. AND IF I WERE TO LOOK IN MY HEART AT OUR NEW FIRST LADY'S

AND IF I WERE TO LOOK IN MY HEART AT OUR NEW FIRST LADY'S LEG, I WOULD SEE HER IN THE

HEART AT OUR NEW FIRST LADY'S LEG, I WOULD SEE HER IN THE BLACK-SEAMED STOCKINGS OF THE

LEG, I WOULD SEE HER IN THE BLACK-SEAMED STOCKINGS OF THE '40s THAT HAVE NEVER GONE OUT OF

BLACK-SEAMED STOCKINGS OF THE '40s THAT HAVE NEVER GONE OUT OF STYLE IN MY BOOK.

'40s THAT HAVE NEVER GONE OUT OF STYLE IN MY BOOK. I SEE THE FIRST LADY'S SEAM

STYLE IN MY BOOK. I SEE THE FIRST LADY'S SEAM GOING UP A NICELY-DEFINED CALF,

I SEE THE FIRST LADY'S SEAM GOING UP A NICELY-DEFINED CALF, UNDERNEATH THE LACE OF HER SLIP,

GOING UP A NICELY-DEFINED CALF, UNDERNEATH THE LACE OF HER SLIP, AND RIDING OVER THE MEATY PART

UNDERNEATH THE LACE OF HER SLIP, AND RIDING OVER THE MEATY PART OF THE UPPER LEG, UP AND OVER

AND RIDING OVER THE MEATY PART OF THE UPPER LEG, UP AND OVER THE BUTTOCK TO THE HIP.

OF THE UPPER LEG, UP AND OVER THE BUTTOCK TO THE HIP. TRULY A JOURNEY OF THE DAMNED

THE BUTTOCK TO THE HIP. TRULY A JOURNEY OF THE DAMNED AND ONE THAT THIS REPORTER MIGHT

TRULY A JOURNEY OF THE DAMNED AND ONE THAT THIS REPORTER MIGHT JUST BOOK PASSAGE ON.

AND ONE THAT THIS REPORTER MIGHT JUST BOOK PASSAGE ON. NEXT WEEK, MS. AMY CARTER.

JUST BOOK PASSAGE ON. NEXT WEEK, MS. AMY CARTER. BACK TO YOU, JANE.

NEXT WEEK, MS. AMY CARTER. BACK TO YOU, JANE. [APPLAUSE]

BACK TO YOU, JANE. [APPLAUSE] THANK YOU, BILL.

[APPLAUSE] THANK YOU, BILL. CONCERNED WITH THEIR FUTURES,

THANK YOU, BILL. CONCERNED WITH THEIR FUTURES, PRESIDENT FORD AND HIS ENTIRE

CONCERNED WITH THEIR FUTURES, PRESIDENT FORD AND HIS ENTIRE FAMILY HAS SIGNED A CONTRACT

PRESIDENT FORD AND HIS ENTIRE FAMILY HAS SIGNED A CONTRACT WITH THE WILLIAM MORRIS AGENCY.

FAMILY HAS SIGNED A CONTRACT WITH THE WILLIAM MORRIS AGENCY. THE TALENT AGENCY FEELS THAT THE

WITH THE WILLIAM MORRIS AGENCY. THE TALENT AGENCY FEELS THAT THE FORDS HAVE A GREAT FUTURE IN THE

THE TALENT AGENCY FEELS THAT THE FORDS HAVE A GREAT FUTURE IN THE ENTERTAINMENT FIELD, CLAIMING

FORDS HAVE A GREAT FUTURE IN THE ENTERTAINMENT FIELD, CLAIMING THAT THIS IS THE FIRST TIME TO

ENTERTAINMENT FIELD, CLAIMING THAT THIS IS THE FIRST TIME TO THEIR KNOWLEDGE THAT A

THAT THIS IS THE FIRST TIME TO THEIR KNOWLEDGE THAT A PRESIDENT'S FAMILY HAS DEVELOPED

THEIR KNOWLEDGE THAT A PRESIDENT'S FAMILY HAS DEVELOPED A TRAPEZE ACT.

PRESIDENT'S FAMILY HAS DEVELOPED A TRAPEZE ACT. THE FLYING FORDS PLAN TO

A TRAPEZE ACT. THE FLYING FORDS PLAN TO ENTERTAIN AT STATE FAIRS AND

THE FLYING FORDS PLAN TO ENTERTAIN AT STATE FAIRS AND CIRCUSES AND HOPE TO GET IT

ENTERTAIN AT STATE FAIRS AND CIRCUSES AND HOPE TO GET IT TOGETHER IN TIME TO BE THE

CIRCUSES AND HOPE TO GET IT TOGETHER IN TIME TO BE THE OPENING ACT FOR JERRY VALE AT

TOGETHER IN TIME TO BE THE OPENING ACT FOR JERRY VALE AT THE CONCORD HOTEL ON LABOR DAY

OPENING ACT FOR JERRY VALE AT THE CONCORD HOTEL ON LABOR DAY WEEKEND.

THE CONCORD HOTEL ON LABOR DAY WEEKEND. WELL, A LOT OLDER AND MUCH WISER

WEEKEND. WELL, A LOT OLDER AND MUCH WISER SINCE HER TV SERIES WAS

WELL, A LOT OLDER AND MUCH WISER SINCE HER TV SERIES WAS CANCELED, THE FLYING NUN NOW

SINCE HER TV SERIES WAS CANCELED, THE FLYING NUN NOW RESORTS TO A MORE CONSERVATIVE

CANCELED, THE FLYING NUN NOW RESORTS TO A MORE CONSERVATIVE MEANS OF TRANSPORTATION.

RESORTS TO A MORE CONSERVATIVE MEANS OF TRANSPORTATION. SAYS THE GROUNDED SISTER, "THE

MEANS OF TRANSPORTATION. SAYS THE GROUNDED SISTER, "THE SCOOTER IS NOT QUITE AS EXCITING

SAYS THE GROUNDED SISTER, "THE SCOOTER IS NOT QUITE AS EXCITING AS FLYING, BUT IT GETS ME WHERE

SCOOTER IS NOT QUITE AS EXCITING AS FLYING, BUT IT GETS ME WHERE I WANT TO GO, AND I'M NOT SHOT

AS FLYING, BUT IT GETS ME WHERE I WANT TO GO, AND I'M NOT SHOT AT BY DUCK HUNTERS AS MUCH AS I

I WANT TO GO, AND I'M NOT SHOT AT BY DUCK HUNTERS AS MUCH AS I USED TO BE."

AT BY DUCK HUNTERS AS MUCH AS I USED TO BE." SOLAR ENERGY HAS BECOME A

USED TO BE." SOLAR ENERGY HAS BECOME A CONTROVERSIAL ISSUE TODAY

SOLAR ENERGY HAS BECOME A CONTROVERSIAL ISSUE TODAY BECAUSE THE OIL INDUSTRY SEES IT

CONTROVERSIAL ISSUE TODAY BECAUSE THE OIL INDUSTRY SEES IT AS A THREAT TO THEIR PROFITS.

BECAUSE THE OIL INDUSTRY SEES IT AS A THREAT TO THEIR PROFITS. THIS WEEK, A SENATE SELECT

AS A THREAT TO THEIR PROFITS. THIS WEEK, A SENATE SELECT COMMITTEE ON SOLAR ENERGY HAS

THIS WEEK, A SENATE SELECT COMMITTEE ON SOLAR ENERGY HAS BEEN MEETING IN SECRET.

COMMITTEE ON SOLAR ENERGY HAS BEEN MEETING IN SECRET. AND FOR MORE ON THIS, HERE IS

BEEN MEETING IN SECRET. AND FOR MORE ON THIS, HERE IS LARAINE NEWMAN IN THE CAPITOL.

AND FOR MORE ON THIS, HERE IS LARAINE NEWMAN IN THE CAPITOL. JANE, I'M STANDING OUTSIDE

LARAINE NEWMAN IN THE CAPITOL. JANE, I'M STANDING OUTSIDE THE COMMITTEE ROOM, WAITING FOR

JANE, I'M STANDING OUTSIDE THE COMMITTEE ROOM, WAITING FOR THE SESSION TO BREAK UP.

THE COMMITTEE ROOM, WAITING FOR THE SESSION TO BREAK UP. I THINK IT'S ABOUT TO BREAK UP

THE SESSION TO BREAK UP. I THINK IT'S ABOUT TO BREAK UP NOW.

I THINK IT'S ABOUT TO BREAK UP NOW. OH, WE'RE IN LUCK, JANE.

NOW. OH, WE'RE IN LUCK, JANE. THE CHAIRMAN OF THE BOARD OF

OH, WE'RE IN LUCK, JANE. THE CHAIRMAN OF THE BOARD OF TEXXON, WHICH DOMINATES MOST OF

THE CHAIRMAN OF THE BOARD OF TEXXON, WHICH DOMINATES MOST OF THE OIL INDUSTRY, AS YOU KNOW,

TEXXON, WHICH DOMINATES MOST OF THE OIL INDUSTRY, AS YOU KNOW, HAS JUST COME OUT OF THE ROOM.

THE OIL INDUSTRY, AS YOU KNOW, HAS JUST COME OUT OF THE ROOM. MR. RIGG, DID YOU ATTEND THE

HAS JUST COME OUT OF THE ROOM. MR. RIGG, DID YOU ATTEND THE COMMITTEE SESSION?

MR. RIGG, DID YOU ATTEND THE COMMITTEE SESSION? WELL, YES, THE SENATORS

COMMITTEE SESSION? WELL, YES, THE SENATORS ALWAYS ALLOW ME TO SIT IN WITH

WELL, YES, THE SENATORS ALWAYS ALLOW ME TO SIT IN WITH THEM AT THEIR SESSIONS.

ALWAYS ALLOW ME TO SIT IN WITH THEM AT THEIR SESSIONS. WELL, WHAT HAPPENED IN THERE?

THEM AT THEIR SESSIONS. WELL, WHAT HAPPENED IN THERE? WE... THAT IS, THE TEXXON

WELL, WHAT HAPPENED IN THERE? WE... THAT IS, THE TEXXON CORPORATION... SAID THAT WE'D

WE... THAT IS, THE TEXXON CORPORATION... SAID THAT WE'D BE GLAD TO GO ALONG WITH THE

CORPORATION... SAID THAT WE'D BE GLAD TO GO ALONG WITH THE SOLAR ENERGY PROGRAM IF THE

BE GLAD TO GO ALONG WITH THE SOLAR ENERGY PROGRAM IF THE COMMITTEE WOULD ONLY MAKE THREE

SOLAR ENERGY PROGRAM IF THE COMMITTEE WOULD ONLY MAKE THREE MINOR CONCESSIONS TO PROTECT OUR

COMMITTEE WOULD ONLY MAKE THREE MINOR CONCESSIONS TO PROTECT OUR INVESTMENT.

MINOR CONCESSIONS TO PROTECT OUR INVESTMENT. I SEE.

INVESTMENT. I SEE. AND WHAT WERE THOSE CONCESSIONS?

I SEE. AND WHAT WERE THOSE CONCESSIONS? TEXXON THINKS IT, FIRST,

AND WHAT WERE THOSE CONCESSIONS? TEXXON THINKS IT, FIRST, SHOULD OWN THE SUN.

TEXXON THINKS IT, FIRST, SHOULD OWN THE SUN. I SEE.

SHOULD OWN THE SUN. I SEE. WE ALSO NEED A SOLAR

I SEE. WE ALSO NEED A SOLAR DEPLETION TAX ALLOWANCE, SINCE

WE ALSO NEED A SOLAR DEPLETION TAX ALLOWANCE, SINCE THE SUN DEPRECIATES OVER TIME.

DEPLETION TAX ALLOWANCE, SINCE THE SUN DEPRECIATES OVER TIME. THAT'S TWO.

THE SUN DEPRECIATES OVER TIME. THAT'S TWO. AND THE THIRD?

THAT'S TWO. AND THE THIRD? AND TEXXON MUST HAVE THE

AND THE THIRD? AND TEXXON MUST HAVE THE RIGHT TO ORDER ITS PRICES RAISED

AND TEXXON MUST HAVE THE RIGHT TO ORDER ITS PRICES RAISED WHENEVER THERE IS AN ECLIPSE.

RIGHT TO ORDER ITS PRICES RAISED WHENEVER THERE IS AN ECLIPSE. THANK YOU.

WHENEVER THERE IS AN ECLIPSE. THANK YOU. WHAT NEXT, MR. RIGG?

THANK YOU. WHAT NEXT, MR. RIGG? TEXXON IS ABOUT TO CONSUME

WHAT NEXT, MR. RIGG? TEXXON IS ABOUT TO CONSUME ALL AMERICAN SOLAR, COAL, OIL,

TEXXON IS ABOUT TO CONSUME ALL AMERICAN SOLAR, COAL, OIL, GAS, GEOTHERMAL FIRMS.

ALL AMERICAN SOLAR, COAL, OIL, GAS, GEOTHERMAL FIRMS. MONOPOLY IS PATRIOTIC!

GAS, GEOTHERMAL FIRMS. MONOPOLY IS PATRIOTIC! UH... THANK YOU.

MONOPOLY IS PATRIOTIC! UH... THANK YOU. THIS IS LARAINE NEWMAN IN THE

UH... THANK YOU. THIS IS LARAINE NEWMAN IN THE CAPITOL BUILDING IN WASHINGTON.

THIS IS LARAINE NEWMAN IN THE CAPITOL BUILDING IN WASHINGTON. [APPLAUSE]

CAPITOL BUILDING IN WASHINGTON. [APPLAUSE] PRESIDENT-ELECT CARTER PUT

[APPLAUSE] PRESIDENT-ELECT CARTER PUT HIS FINANCIAL HOLDINGS IN A

PRESIDENT-ELECT CARTER PUT HIS FINANCIAL HOLDINGS IN A BLIND TRUST AND OUTLINED A CODE

HIS FINANCIAL HOLDINGS IN A BLIND TRUST AND OUTLINED A CODE OF ETHICS FOR HIS CABINET

BLIND TRUST AND OUTLINED A CODE OF ETHICS FOR HIS CABINET MEMBERS TO FOLLOW TO AVOID

OF ETHICS FOR HIS CABINET MEMBERS TO FOLLOW TO AVOID CONFLICTS OF INTEREST.

MEMBERS TO FOLLOW TO AVOID CONFLICTS OF INTEREST. HERE HIS SECRETARY OF

CONFLICTS OF INTEREST. HERE HIS SECRETARY OF TRANSPORTATION-DESIGNATE

HERE HIS SECRETARY OF TRANSPORTATION-DESIGNATE BROCK ADAMS TELLS THE SENATE

TRANSPORTATION-DESIGNATE BROCK ADAMS TELLS THE SENATE COMMERCE COMMITTEE HE WILL STOP

BROCK ADAMS TELLS THE SENATE COMMERCE COMMITTEE HE WILL STOP RENTING OUT HIS HUGE FOREHEAD AS

COMMERCE COMMITTEE HE WILL STOP RENTING OUT HIS HUGE FOREHEAD AS A BILLBOARD.

RENTING OUT HIS HUGE FOREHEAD AS A BILLBOARD. IN RESPONSE TO COMPLAINTS ABOUT

A BILLBOARD. IN RESPONSE TO COMPLAINTS ABOUT THE OFFICIATING IN THIS YEAR'S

IN RESPONSE TO COMPLAINTS ABOUT THE OFFICIATING IN THIS YEAR'S NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE SEASON,

THE OFFICIATING IN THIS YEAR'S NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE SEASON, COMMISSIONER PETE ROZELLE

NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE SEASON, COMMISSIONER PETE ROZELLE ANNOUNCED THE FORMATION OF AN

COMMISSIONER PETE ROZELLE ANNOUNCED THE FORMATION OF AN NFL-SPONSORED 20-YEAR

ANNOUNCED THE FORMATION OF AN NFL-SPONSORED 20-YEAR OFFICIATING PROGRAM THAT STARTS

NFL-SPONSORED 20-YEAR OFFICIATING PROGRAM THAT STARTS ASPIRING OFFICIALS AT AN EARLY

OFFICIATING PROGRAM THAT STARTS ASPIRING OFFICIALS AT AN EARLY AGE.

ASPIRING OFFICIALS AT AN EARLY AGE. DOOMED SLAYER GARY GILMORE HAS

AGE. DOOMED SLAYER GARY GILMORE HAS TAKEN A CUE FROM PRESIDENT-ELECT

DOOMED SLAYER GARY GILMORE HAS TAKEN A CUE FROM PRESIDENT-ELECT CARTER AND IS INVITING ALL OF

TAKEN A CUE FROM PRESIDENT-ELECT CARTER AND IS INVITING ALL OF AMERICA TO THE UTAH STATE PRISON

CARTER AND IS INVITING ALL OF AMERICA TO THE UTAH STATE PRISON ON MONDAY FOR WHAT HE IS CALLING

AMERICA TO THE UTAH STATE PRISON ON MONDAY FOR WHAT HE IS CALLING A PEOPLE'S EXECUTION.

ON MONDAY FOR WHAT HE IS CALLING A PEOPLE'S EXECUTION. THERE WILL BE A PRE-EXECUTION

A PEOPLE'S EXECUTION. THERE WILL BE A PRE-EXECUTION GALA CONCERT AND, FOLLOWING

THERE WILL BE A PRE-EXECUTION GALA CONCERT AND, FOLLOWING GILMORE'S DEATH BY FIRING SQUAD,

GALA CONCERT AND, FOLLOWING GILMORE'S DEATH BY FIRING SQUAD, THERE WILL BE A SERIES OF

GILMORE'S DEATH BY FIRING SQUAD, THERE WILL BE A SERIES OF POST-EXECUTION BALLS AND

THERE WILL BE A SERIES OF POST-EXECUTION BALLS AND RECEPTIONS.

POST-EXECUTION BALLS AND RECEPTIONS. GILMORE WILL NOT ATTEND THE

RECEPTIONS. GILMORE WILL NOT ATTEND THE LATTER.

GILMORE WILL NOT ATTEND THE LATTER. AND NOW, A NEW ADDITION TO OUR

LATTER. AND NOW, A NEW ADDITION TO OUR "UPDATE" TEAM IS CORRESPONDENT

AND NOW, A NEW ADDITION TO OUR "UPDATE" TEAM IS CORRESPONDENT EMILY LITELLA WITH TONIGHT'S

"UPDATE" TEAM IS CORRESPONDENT EMILY LITELLA WITH TONIGHT'S COMMENTARY.

EMILY LITELLA WITH TONIGHT'S COMMENTARY. WELL, MISS LITELLA...

COMMENTARY. WELL, MISS LITELLA... [APPLAUSE]

WELL, MISS LITELLA... [APPLAUSE] YOU'VE BADGERED US ALL FOR A

[APPLAUSE] YOU'VE BADGERED US ALL FOR A LONG TIME, AND NOW YOU HAVE A

YOU'VE BADGERED US ALL FOR A LONG TIME, AND NOW YOU HAVE A JOB.

LONG TIME, AND NOW YOU HAVE A JOB. WELCOME.

JOB. WELCOME. OH, WELL, THANK YOU, JANE.

WELCOME. OH, WELL, THANK YOU, JANE. IT'S VERY LOVELY TO BE PART OF

OH, WELL, THANK YOU, JANE. IT'S VERY LOVELY TO BE PART OF A NEWS TEAM.

IT'S VERY LOVELY TO BE PART OF A NEWS TEAM. AH, TONIGHT'S COMMENTARY IS VERY

A NEWS TEAM. AH, TONIGHT'S COMMENTARY IS VERY IMPORTANT BECAUSE I HEAR THAT

AH, TONIGHT'S COMMENTARY IS VERY IMPORTANT BECAUSE I HEAR THAT PRESIDENT FORD WANTS TO MAKE

IMPORTANT BECAUSE I HEAR THAT PRESIDENT FORD WANTS TO MAKE PUERTO RICO A STEAK!

PRESIDENT FORD WANTS TO MAKE PUERTO RICO A STEAK! NOW, WHY DOES HE HAVE TO MAKE

PUERTO RICO A STEAK! NOW, WHY DOES HE HAVE TO MAKE THEM A STEAK?

NOW, WHY DOES HE HAVE TO MAKE THEM A STEAK? I DIDN'T THINK THOSE PEOPLE EVEN

THEM A STEAK? I DIDN'T THINK THOSE PEOPLE EVEN LIKED MEAT.

NOW, LET ME WARN ALL OF YOU.

IF YOU MAKE PUERTO RICO A STEAK,

THE NEXT THING THEY'LL WANT IS A

BAKED POTATO WITH SOUR CREAM AND

CHIVES AND LITTLE TINY BACON

BITS AND PIECES OF TOAST, AND

THEN THEY'LL PROBABLY WANT A

SALAD BAR!

WHY, THEY'LL BE LINED UP FOR

MILES!

IF PRESIDENT FORD WANTS TO BE

REMEMBERED AS A GREAT PRESIDENT

IN HIS FINAL DAYS, HE SHOULD DO

SOMETHING ABOUT THE PRICE OF

COFFEE, NOT STEAK!

IT'S OUTRAGEOUS! I CAN'T BELIEVE WHAT THAT MAN IS DOING!

I CAN'T BELIEVE WHAT THAT MAN IS DOING! WHAT? WHAT?

IS DOING! WHAT? WHAT? MISS LITELLA, YOU'VE DONE IT

WHAT? WHAT? MISS LITELLA, YOU'VE DONE IT AGAIN.

MISS LITELLA, YOU'VE DONE IT AGAIN. THAT'S NOT "STEAK."

AGAIN. THAT'S NOT "STEAK." PRESIDENT FORD WANTS TO MAKE

THAT'S NOT "STEAK." PRESIDENT FORD WANTS TO MAKE PUERTO RICO A STATE.

PRESIDENT FORD WANTS TO MAKE PUERTO RICO A STATE. NOT A STEAK... A STATE.

PUERTO RICO A STATE. NOT A STEAK... A STATE. OH.

NOT A STEAK... A STATE. OH. WELL, I'M SORRY.

OH. WELL, I'M SORRY. NEVER MIND.

WELL, I'M SORRY. NEVER MIND. [APPLAUSE]

NEVER MIND. [APPLAUSE] MISS LITELLA, LET'S GET

[APPLAUSE] MISS LITELLA, LET'S GET SOMETHING STRAIGHT.

MISS LITELLA, LET'S GET SOMETHING STRAIGHT. WE'VE PUT UP WITH YOUR SLIGHT

SOMETHING STRAIGHT. WE'VE PUT UP WITH YOUR SLIGHT HEARING IMPAIRMENT FOR A LONG

WE'VE PUT UP WITH YOUR SLIGHT HEARING IMPAIRMENT FOR A LONG TIME NOW, AND IN THE BEGINNING,

HEARING IMPAIRMENT FOR A LONG TIME NOW, AND IN THE BEGINNING, IT WAS CUTE.

TIME NOW, AND IN THE BEGINNING, IT WAS CUTE. BUT NOW YOU'RE PART OF A NEWS

IT WAS CUTE. BUT NOW YOU'RE PART OF A NEWS TEAM, AND WE LIKE TO REPORT THE

BUT NOW YOU'RE PART OF A NEWS TEAM, AND WE LIKE TO REPORT THE NEWS ACCURATELY.

TEAM, AND WE LIKE TO REPORT THE NEWS ACCURATELY. NOW, IF YOU DON'T REPORT THE

NEWS ACCURATELY. NOW, IF YOU DON'T REPORT THE NEWS ACCURATELY, WE'LL HAVE TO

NOW, IF YOU DON'T REPORT THE NEWS ACCURATELY, WE'LL HAVE TO LET YOU GO.

NEWS ACCURATELY, WE'LL HAVE TO LET YOU GO. NO JOB IS PERMANENT.

LET YOU GO. NO JOB IS PERMANENT. DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?

NO JOB IS PERMANENT. DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME? OH, YES, YES, I DO.

DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME? OH, YES, YES, I DO. I WILL CERTAINLY DO MY BEST.

OH, YES, YES, I DO. I WILL CERTAINLY DO MY BEST. I'LL TRY TO DO BETTER.

I WILL CERTAINLY DO MY BEST. I'LL TRY TO DO BETTER. PLEASE DO.

I'LL TRY TO DO BETTER. PLEASE DO. BITCH!

PLEASE DO. BITCH! [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THAT'S OUR NEWS FOR TONIGHT. GOOD NIGHT AND HAVE A PLEASANT TOMORROW.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, ANDY KAUFMAN. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

[Foreign accent] THERE WAS TWO PENGUINS ON DE PIECE OF ICE, AND THEY LOVE EACH OTHER VERY

TWO PENGUINS ON DE PIECE OF ICE, AND THEY LOVE EACH OTHER VERY MUCH.

AND THEY LOVE EACH OTHER VERY MUCH. SO, UH, ONE... ONE DAY, DE ICE

MUCH. SO, UH, ONE... ONE DAY, DE ICE IS BROKEN, AND SO THE TWO

SO, UH, ONE... ONE DAY, DE ICE IS BROKEN, AND SO THE TWO PENGUINS CRY... THEY ARE

IS BROKEN, AND SO THE TWO PENGUINS CRY... THEY ARE CRYING... BECAUSE THEY NEVER TO

PENGUINS CRY... THEY ARE CRYING... BECAUSE THEY NEVER TO SEE EACH OTHER AGAIN.

CRYING... BECAUSE THEY NEVER TO SEE EACH OTHER AGAIN. SO, THEY GO AWAY, YOU KNOW, AWAY

SEE EACH OTHER AGAIN. SO, THEY GO AWAY, YOU KNOW, AWAY FROM EACH OTHER.

SO, THEY GO AWAY, YOU KNOW, AWAY FROM EACH OTHER. AND ONE DAY, THEY... TO SEE EACH

FROM EACH OTHER. AND ONE DAY, THEY... TO SEE EACH OTHER.

AND ONE DAY, THEY... TO SEE EACH OTHER. SO, THEY GET CLOSER AND CLOSER,

OTHER. SO, THEY GET CLOSER AND CLOSER, AND ONE OF THEM SAY...

SO, THEY GET CLOSER AND CLOSER, AND ONE OF THEM SAY... [SQUAWKS INDISTINCTLY]

AND ONE OF THEM SAY... [SQUAWKS INDISTINCTLY] YOU KNOW, BECAUSE THEY NEVER SEE

[SQUAWKS INDISTINCTLY] YOU KNOW, BECAUSE THEY NEVER SEE EACH OTHER AGAIN.

YOU KNOW, BECAUSE THEY NEVER SEE EACH OTHER AGAIN. [CHUCKLES]

EACH OTHER AGAIN. [CHUCKLES] THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

[CHUCKLES] THANK YOU VERY MUCH. [APPLAUSE]

THANK YOU VERY MUCH. [APPLAUSE] RIGHT NOW, I WOULD LIKE TO DO

[APPLAUSE] RIGHT NOW, I WOULD LIKE TO DO SOME IMITATIONS FOR YOU.

RIGHT NOW, I WOULD LIKE TO DO SOME IMITATIONS FOR YOU. SO, FIRST, I WOULD LIKE TO

SOME IMITATIONS FOR YOU. SO, FIRST, I WOULD LIKE TO IMITATE MISTER CARTER, DE

SO, FIRST, I WOULD LIKE TO IMITATE MISTER CARTER, DE PRESIDENT OF DE UNITED STATES.

IMITATE MISTER CARTER, DE PRESIDENT OF DE UNITED STATES. "HELLO, I AM MISTER CARTER, DE

PRESIDENT OF DE UNITED STATES. "HELLO, I AM MISTER CARTER, DE PRESIDENT OF DE UNITED STATES."

"HELLO, I AM MISTER CARTER, DE PRESIDENT OF DE UNITED STATES." THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

PRESIDENT OF DE UNITED STATES." THANK YOU VERY MUCH. [APPLAUSE]

THANK YOU VERY MUCH. [APPLAUSE] NOW I WOULD LIKE TO IMITATE, UH,

[APPLAUSE] NOW I WOULD LIKE TO IMITATE, UH, MY AUNT ESTHER.

NOW I WOULD LIKE TO IMITATE, UH, MY AUNT ESTHER. "YOU COME INTO THE HOUSE RIGHT

MY AUNT ESTHER. "YOU COME INTO THE HOUSE RIGHT NOW, PUT ON YOUR COAT, AND EAT

"YOU COME INTO THE HOUSE RIGHT NOW, PUT ON YOUR COAT, AND EAT EVERYTHING IS ON YOUR PLATE!"

NOW, PUT ON YOUR COAT, AND EAT EVERYTHING IS ON YOUR PLATE!" THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

EVERYTHING IS ON YOUR PLATE!" THANK YOU VERY MUCH. [APPLAUSE]

THANK YOU VERY MUCH. [APPLAUSE] AND NOW, LAST BUT NOT TO BE THE

[APPLAUSE] AND NOW, LAST BUT NOT TO BE THE LEAST, I W-WOULD LIKE TO IMITATE

AND NOW, LAST BUT NOT TO BE THE LEAST, I W-WOULD LIKE TO IMITATE THE ELVIS PRESLEY.

LEAST, I W-WOULD LIKE TO IMITATE THE ELVIS PRESLEY. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

THE ELVIS PRESLEY. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] ["ALSO SPRACH ZARATHUSTRA"

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] ["ALSO SPRACH ZARATHUSTRA" PLAYING]

[DRIVING DRUMBEAT PLAYING] [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]

[MUSIC STOPS] [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE] [Imitating Elvis Presley]

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE] [Imitating Elvis Presley] THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

[Imitating Elvis Presley] THANK YOU VERY MUCH. [PIANO PLAYS SOFTLY]

THANK YOU VERY MUCH. [PIANO PLAYS SOFTLY] ♪ TREAT ME LIKE A FOOL ♪

[PIANO PLAYS SOFTLY] ♪ TREAT ME LIKE A FOOL ♪ ♪ TREAT ME MEAN AND CRUEL ♪

♪ TREAT ME LIKE A FOOL ♪ ♪ TREAT ME MEAN AND CRUEL ♪ ♪ BUT LOVE ME ♪

♪ TREAT ME MEAN AND CRUEL ♪ ♪ BUT LOVE ME ♪ ♪ WRING MY FAITHFUL HEART ♪

♪ BUT LOVE ME ♪ ♪ WRING MY FAITHFUL HEART ♪ ♪ TEAR IT ALL APART ♪

♪ WRING MY FAITHFUL HEART ♪ ♪ TEAR IT ALL APART ♪ ♪ BUT LOVE ME ♪

♪ TEAR IT ALL APART ♪ ♪ BUT LOVE ME ♪ ♪ IF YOU EVER GO, DARLING, I'LL

♪ BUT LOVE ME ♪ ♪ IF YOU EVER GO, DARLING, I'LL BE, OH, SO LONELY ♪

♪ IF YOU EVER GO, DARLING, I'LL BE, OH, SO LONELY ♪ ♪ I'LL BE SAD AND BLUE ♪

BE, OH, SO LONELY ♪ ♪ I'LL BE SAD AND BLUE ♪ ♪ CRYING OVER YOU ♪

♪ I'LL BE SAD AND BLUE ♪ ♪ CRYING OVER YOU ♪ ♪ DEAR ONLY ♪

♪ CRYING OVER YOU ♪ ♪ DEAR ONLY ♪ ♪ I WOULD BEG AND STEAL ♪

♪ DEAR ONLY ♪ ♪ I WOULD BEG AND STEAL ♪ ♪ JUST TO FEEL ♪

♪ I WOULD BEG AND STEAL ♪ ♪ JUST TO FEEL ♪ [SNORTS]

♪ JUST TO FEEL ♪ [SNORTS] ♪ YOUR HEART ♪

[SNORTS] ♪ YOUR HEART ♪ ♪ BEATING CLOSE TO MINE ♪

♪ YOUR HEART ♪ ♪ BEATING CLOSE TO MINE ♪ ♪ IF YOU EVER GO, DARLING, I'LL

♪ BEATING CLOSE TO MINE ♪ ♪ IF YOU EVER GO, DARLING, I'LL BE, OH, SO LONELY ♪

♪ IF YOU EVER GO, DARLING, I'LL BE, OH, SO LONELY ♪ ♪ BEGGING ON KNEES ♪

BE, OH, SO LONELY ♪ ♪ BEGGING ON KNEES ♪ ♪ ALL I ASK IS, PLEASE, PLEASE

♪ BEGGING ON KNEES ♪ ♪ ALL I ASK IS, PLEASE, PLEASE LOVE ME ♪

♪ ALL I ASK IS, PLEASE, PLEASE LOVE ME ♪ ♪ OH, YEAH ♪

LOVE ME ♪ ♪ OH, YEAH ♪ [MUSIC CONCLUDES]

♪ OH, YEAH ♪ [MUSIC CONCLUDES] [APPLAUSE, WOMEN SCREAMING]

[WHISTLING, SCREAMING]

ALL RIGHT THANK YOU VERY MUCH. YOU CAN ALL JUST STARE AT ME

THANK YOU VERY MUCH. YOU CAN ALL JUST STARE AT ME WHILE I CATCH MY BREATH.

YOU CAN ALL JUST STARE AT ME WHILE I CATCH MY BREATH. I'D LIKE TO DO ONE OF MY BIGGEST

WHILE I CATCH MY BREATH. I'D LIKE TO DO ONE OF MY BIGGEST RECORDS FOR YOU.

I'D LIKE TO DO ONE OF MY BIGGEST RECORDS FOR YOU. OF COURSE, ALL OF THEM ARE THE

RECORDS FOR YOU. OF COURSE, ALL OF THEM ARE THE SAME SIZE.

OF COURSE, ALL OF THEM ARE THE SAME SIZE. ONE OF THE FIRST SONGS I EVER

SAME SIZE. ONE OF THE FIRST SONGS I EVER RECORDED, BACK IN 1927, I THINK

ONE OF THE FIRST SONGS I EVER RECORDED, BACK IN 1927, I THINK IT WAS, WENT SOMETHING LIKE

RECORDED, BACK IN 1927, I THINK IT WAS, WENT SOMETHING LIKE THIS.

IT WAS, WENT SOMETHING LIKE THIS. WAIT A MINUTE, WAIT A MINUTE.

THIS. WAIT A MINUTE, WAIT A MINUTE. SOMETHING WRONG WITH MY LIP.

WAIT A MINUTE, WAIT A MINUTE. SOMETHING WRONG WITH MY LIP. [LAUGHTER]

SOMETHING WRONG WITH MY LIP. [LAUGHTER] ♪ WELL, IT'S ONE FOR THE MONEY ♪

[LAUGHTER] ♪ WELL, IT'S ONE FOR THE MONEY ♪ ♪ TWO FOR THE SHOW ♪

♪ WELL, IT'S ONE FOR THE MONEY ♪ ♪ TWO FOR THE SHOW ♪ ♪ THREE TO GET READY ♪

♪ TWO FOR THE SHOW ♪ ♪ THREE TO GET READY ♪ ♪ NOW, GO, CAT, GO ♪

♪ THREE TO GET READY ♪ ♪ NOW, GO, CAT, GO ♪ ♪ BUT DON'T YOU STEP ON MY BLUE

♪ NOW, GO, CAT, GO ♪ ♪ BUT DON'T YOU STEP ON MY BLUE SUEDE SHOES ♪

♪ BUT DON'T YOU STEP ON MY BLUE SUEDE SHOES ♪ ♪ WELL, YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, BUT

SUEDE SHOES ♪ ♪ WELL, YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, BUT LAY OFF OF MY BLUE SUEDE SHOES ♪

♪ WELL, YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, BUT LAY OFF OF MY BLUE SUEDE SHOES ♪ LET'S GO, CATS!

LAY OFF OF MY BLUE SUEDE SHOES ♪ LET'S GO, CATS! [SWINGING ROCK MUSIC PLAYS]

♪ WELL, IT'S ONE FOR THE MONEY ♪ ♪ TWO FOR THE SHOW ♪ ♪ THREE TO GET READY ♪

♪ TWO FOR THE SHOW ♪ ♪ THREE TO GET READY ♪ ♪ NOW, GO, GO, GO ♪

♪ THREE TO GET READY ♪ ♪ NOW, GO, GO, GO ♪ ♪ BUT DON'T YOU STEP ON MY BLUE

♪ NOW, GO, GO, GO ♪ ♪ BUT DON'T YOU STEP ON MY BLUE SUEDE SHOES ♪

♪ BUT DON'T YOU STEP ON MY BLUE SUEDE SHOES ♪ ♪ WELL, YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, BUT

SUEDE SHOES ♪ ♪ WELL, YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, BUT LAY OFF OF MY BLUE SUEDE SHOES ♪

♪ WELL, YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, BUT LAY OFF OF MY BLUE SUEDE SHOES ♪ ♪ WELL, IT'S A ♪

LAY OFF OF MY BLUE SUEDE SHOES ♪ ♪ WELL, IT'S A ♪ ♪ BLUE BLUE ♪

♪ WELL, IT'S A ♪ ♪ BLUE BLUE ♪ ♪ BLUE SUEDE SHOES ♪

♪ BLUE BLUE ♪ ♪ BLUE SUEDE SHOES ♪ ♪ BLUE BLUE ♪

♪ BLUE SUEDE SHOES ♪ ♪ BLUE BLUE ♪ ♪ BLUE SUEDE SHOES, YEAH! ♪

♪ BLUE BLUE ♪ ♪ BLUE SUEDE SHOES, YEAH! ♪ ♪ BLUE BLUE ♪

♪ BLUE SUEDE SHOES, YEAH! ♪ ♪ BLUE BLUE ♪ ♪ BLUE SUEDE SHOES, BABY! ♪

♪ BLUE BLUE ♪ ♪ BLUE SUEDE SHOES, BABY! ♪ ♪ BLUE BLUE ♪

♪ BLUE SUEDE SHOES, BABY! ♪ ♪ BLUE BLUE ♪ ♪ BLUE SUEDE SHOES ♪

♪ BLUE BLUE ♪ ♪ BLUE SUEDE SHOES ♪ ♪ YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, BUT LAY

♪ BLUE SUEDE SHOES ♪ ♪ YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, BUT LAY OFF OF MY BLUE SUEDE SHOES ♪

♪ YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, BUT LAY OFF OF MY BLUE SUEDE SHOES ♪ ALL RIGHT!

OFF OF MY BLUE SUEDE SHOES ♪ ALL RIGHT! [MUSIC CONCLUDES]

ALL RIGHT! [MUSIC CONCLUDES] [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

[WHISTLING, WOMEN SCREAMING]

[Foreign accent] THANK YOU VERY MUCH. [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

VERY MUCH. [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE] COULD I PLEASE HAVE MY... MY

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE] COULD I PLEASE HAVE MY... MY THING BACK?

COULD I PLEASE HAVE MY... MY THING BACK? [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

[DOORBELL RINGS] MR. NADER. CALL ME "RALPH."

MR. NADER. CALL ME "RALPH." HI, I'M BURT INGERSOLL OF

CALL ME "RALPH." HI, I'M BURT INGERSOLL OF CHANGING TIMES MAGAZINE.

HI, I'M BURT INGERSOLL OF CHANGING TIMES MAGAZINE. IT'S SO GOOD OF YOU TO GIVE US

CHANGING TIMES MAGAZINE. IT'S SO GOOD OF YOU TO GIVE US THIS INTERVIEW, MAN.

IT'S SO GOOD OF YOU TO GIVE US THIS INTERVIEW, MAN. COME ON IN, BURT.

THIS INTERVIEW, MAN. COME ON IN, BURT. LET ME TAKE YOUR COAT.

COME ON IN, BURT. LET ME TAKE YOUR COAT. YEAH, BETTER CLOSE THE DOOR,

LET ME TAKE YOUR COAT. YEAH, BETTER CLOSE THE DOOR, THERE.

YEAH, BETTER CLOSE THE DOOR, THERE. CLOSE YOUR DOOR, THERE.

THERE. CLOSE YOUR DOOR, THERE. DRAFT.

CLOSE YOUR DOOR, THERE. DRAFT. ENERGY WASTE.

DRAFT. ENERGY WASTE. BURT, I'D LIKE TO INTRODUCE YOU

ENERGY WASTE. BURT, I'D LIKE TO INTRODUCE YOU TO PAM, AND I'D LIKE TO

BURT, I'D LIKE TO INTRODUCE YOU TO PAM, AND I'D LIKE TO INTRODUCE YOU TO RITA.

TO PAM, AND I'D LIKE TO INTRODUCE YOU TO RITA. RITA'S BEEN NAUGHTY THIS

INTRODUCE YOU TO RITA. RITA'S BEEN NAUGHTY THIS AFTERNOON, SO SHE HAS TO SIT

RITA'S BEEN NAUGHTY THIS AFTERNOON, SO SHE HAS TO SIT BACKWARDS.

AFTERNOON, SO SHE HAS TO SIT BACKWARDS. WOULD YOU, UH, LIKE A DRINK?

BACKWARDS. WOULD YOU, UH, LIKE A DRINK? WHATEVER YOU GOT AND STRAIGHT

WOULD YOU, UH, LIKE A DRINK? WHATEVER YOU GOT AND STRAIGHT UP.

WHATEVER YOU GOT AND STRAIGHT UP. YOU UNDERSTAND THESE DOLLS

UP. YOU UNDERSTAND THESE DOLLS ARE ALL PART OF SOME EXPERIMENTS

YOU UNDERSTAND THESE DOLLS ARE ALL PART OF SOME EXPERIMENTS I'M RUNNING.

ARE ALL PART OF SOME EXPERIMENTS I'M RUNNING. HOW ABOUT A DRINK FOR YOU, PAM?

I'M RUNNING. HOW ABOUT A DRINK FOR YOU, PAM? UH...

HOW ABOUT A DRINK FOR YOU, PAM? UH... ARE YOU TESTING THESE DOLLS,

UH... ARE YOU TESTING THESE DOLLS, MR. NADER?

ARE YOU TESTING THESE DOLLS, MR. NADER? OF COURSE I'M TESTING THESE

MR. NADER? OF COURSE I'M TESTING THESE DOLLS.

OF COURSE I'M TESTING THESE DOLLS. I'M TESTING THEM FOR FLAME

DOLLS. I'M TESTING THEM FOR FLAME RETARDANCE.

I'M TESTING THEM FOR FLAME RETARDANCE. I'M TESTING THEM FOR DEFECTIVE

RETARDANCE. I'M TESTING THEM FOR DEFECTIVE SEAMS, TESTING THEM FOR UNIFORM

I'M TESTING THEM FOR DEFECTIVE SEAMS, TESTING THEM FOR UNIFORM AIR PRESSURE, SURFACE

SEAMS, TESTING THEM FOR UNIFORM AIR PRESSURE, SURFACE IRREGULARITIES, QUALITY CONTROL,

AIR PRESSURE, SURFACE IRREGULARITIES, QUALITY CONTROL, COLOR RETENTION, PIGMENT

IRREGULARITIES, QUALITY CONTROL, COLOR RETENTION, PIGMENT TOXICITY, EFFUSION RATES,

COLOR RETENTION, PIGMENT TOXICITY, EFFUSION RATES, CONVECTION RATES, UH...

TOXICITY, EFFUSION RATES, CONVECTION RATES, UH... HERE'S YOUR GLASS OF WINE.

CONVECTION RATES, UH... HERE'S YOUR GLASS OF WINE. I GET SO EXCITED.

HERE'S YOUR GLASS OF WINE. I GET SO EXCITED. AND HERE'S YOUR SWEET VERMOUTH,

I GET SO EXCITED. AND HERE'S YOUR SWEET VERMOUTH, PAM.

AND HERE'S YOUR SWEET VERMOUTH, PAM. THAT, FOR INSTANCE, WAS A TEST

PAM. THAT, FOR INSTANCE, WAS A TEST FOR HIGH-IMPACT MOISTURE

THAT, FOR INSTANCE, WAS A TEST FOR HIGH-IMPACT MOISTURE RESISTANCE.

FOR HIGH-IMPACT MOISTURE RESISTANCE. YOU SEE, I HOPE TO EXPLORE AREAS

RESISTANCE. YOU SEE, I HOPE TO EXPLORE AREAS OF CONSUMER PROTECTION WHICH

YOU SEE, I HOPE TO EXPLORE AREAS OF CONSUMER PROTECTION WHICH HAVE HITHERTO BEEN IGNORED FOR

OF CONSUMER PROTECTION WHICH HAVE HITHERTO BEEN IGNORED FOR REASONS OF TASTE OR PUBLIC

HAVE HITHERTO BEEN IGNORED FOR REASONS OF TASTE OR PUBLIC INDIFFERENCE.

REASONS OF TASTE OR PUBLIC INDIFFERENCE. AND YOU CHOSE INFLATABLE

INDIFFERENCE. AND YOU CHOSE INFLATABLE PARTY DOLLS.

AND YOU CHOSE INFLATABLE PARTY DOLLS. EXACTLY.

PARTY DOLLS. EXACTLY. WHAT COULD BE MORE NATURAL THAN

EXACTLY. WHAT COULD BE MORE NATURAL THAN TO EXTEND MY INVESTIGATION OF

WHAT COULD BE MORE NATURAL THAN TO EXTEND MY INVESTIGATION OF AIR BAGS TO INCLUDE INFLATABLE

TO EXTEND MY INVESTIGATION OF AIR BAGS TO INCLUDE INFLATABLE PARTY DOLLS?

AIR BAGS TO INCLUDE INFLATABLE PARTY DOLLS? UH-HUH.

PARTY DOLLS? UH-HUH. EXCUSE ME.

UH-HUH. EXCUSE ME. RITA HAD BETTER SIT UP

EXCUSE ME. RITA HAD BETTER SIT UP STRAIGHTER.

RITA HAD BETTER SIT UP STRAIGHTER. DO YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENED TO

STRAIGHTER. DO YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENED TO YVONNE?

DO YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENED TO YVONNE? YVONNE GOT NAILED TO THE DOOR.

YVONNE? YVONNE GOT NAILED TO THE DOOR. YVONNE FAILED THE NAIL TEST,

YVONNE GOT NAILED TO THE DOOR. YVONNE FAILED THE NAIL TEST, DIDN'T SHE?

YVONNE FAILED THE NAIL TEST, DIDN'T SHE? UH, YOU SAID "FAILED THE NAIL

DIDN'T SHE? UH, YOU SAID "FAILED THE NAIL TEST"?

UH, YOU SAID "FAILED THE NAIL TEST"? I'M SURE YOU REALIZE "THE

TEST"? I'M SURE YOU REALIZE "THE NAIL TEST" IS A CODE NAME FOR

I'M SURE YOU REALIZE "THE NAIL TEST" IS A CODE NAME FOR CERTAIN ANALYTIC PROCEDURES TO

NAIL TEST" IS A CODE NAME FOR CERTAIN ANALYTIC PROCEDURES TO EXAMINE POSSIBILITIES OF RUPTURE

CERTAIN ANALYTIC PROCEDURES TO EXAMINE POSSIBILITIES OF RUPTURE IN VINYL-RELATED SUBSTANCES.

EXAMINE POSSIBILITIES OF RUPTURE IN VINYL-RELATED SUBSTANCES. UH-HUH.

IN VINYL-RELATED SUBSTANCES. UH-HUH. I PLAN TO PUBLISH THE RESULTS

UH-HUH. I PLAN TO PUBLISH THE RESULTS OF THESE TESTS NEXT YEAR IN A

I PLAN TO PUBLISH THE RESULTS OF THESE TESTS NEXT YEAR IN A BOOK CALLED "PARTY DOLLS... TURN

OF THESE TESTS NEXT YEAR IN A BOOK CALLED "PARTY DOLLS... TURN ON OR RIP OFF?"

BOOK CALLED "PARTY DOLLS... TURN ON OR RIP OFF?" CAN I GET YOU ANOTHER DRINK?

ON OR RIP OFF?" CAN I GET YOU ANOTHER DRINK? NO, THANK YOU.

CAN I GET YOU ANOTHER DRINK? NO, THANK YOU. PAM, A REFILL?

NO, THANK YOU. PAM, A REFILL? SAY, WHY DON'T YOU SHOW BURT

PAM, A REFILL? SAY, WHY DON'T YOU SHOW BURT YOUR MUSIC BOX, PAM?

SAY, WHY DON'T YOU SHOW BURT YOUR MUSIC BOX, PAM? I BOUGHT PAM A MUSIC BOX FOR HER

YOUR MUSIC BOX, PAM? I BOUGHT PAM A MUSIC BOX FOR HER BIRTHDAY.

I BOUGHT PAM A MUSIC BOX FOR HER BIRTHDAY. YOU DON'T SAY.

BIRTHDAY. YOU DON'T SAY. BURT, YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW

YOU DON'T SAY. BURT, YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW EXHAUSTING THESE TESTS ARE.

BURT, YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW EXHAUSTING THESE TESTS ARE. I HAVE TO DRESS AND UNDRESS THEM

EXHAUSTING THESE TESTS ARE. I HAVE TO DRESS AND UNDRESS THEM EVERY DAY, BRUSH THEIR LITTLE

I HAVE TO DRESS AND UNDRESS THEM EVERY DAY, BRUSH THEIR LITTLE TEETH, PAINT THEIR LITTLE NAILS.

EVERY DAY, BRUSH THEIR LITTLE TEETH, PAINT THEIR LITTLE NAILS. OF COURSE, IT USED TO BE WORSE,

TEETH, PAINT THEIR LITTLE NAILS. OF COURSE, IT USED TO BE WORSE, BEFORE VICKI FAILED THE

OF COURSE, IT USED TO BE WORSE, BEFORE VICKI FAILED THE LAWN-MOWER TEST.

BEFORE VICKI FAILED THE LAWN-MOWER TEST. WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.

LAWN-MOWER TEST. WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT. SHE FAILED THE LAWN-MOWER TEST?

WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT. SHE FAILED THE LAWN-MOWER TEST? MAYBE NOW MS. BALLOON HEAD

SHE FAILED THE LAWN-MOWER TEST? MAYBE NOW MS. BALLOON HEAD WILL BE READY TO EAT HER

MAYBE NOW MS. BALLOON HEAD WILL BE READY TO EAT HER SPAGHETTI.

WILL BE READY TO EAT HER SPAGHETTI. UH, HEY, ON SECOND THOUGHT,

SPAGHETTI. UH, HEY, ON SECOND THOUGHT, MAN, I'LL HAVE THAT DRINK, AND

UH, HEY, ON SECOND THOUGHT, MAN, I'LL HAVE THAT DRINK, AND I'LL GO GET IT MYSELF.

MAN, I'LL HAVE THAT DRINK, AND I'LL GO GET IT MYSELF. YES.

I'LL GO GET IT MYSELF. YES. HA!

YES. HA! LISTEN.

HA! LISTEN. I'M SORRY TO CUT THIS INTERVIEW

LISTEN. I'M SORRY TO CUT THIS INTERVIEW SHORT, BURT.

I'M SORRY TO CUT THIS INTERVIEW SHORT, BURT. I THINK RITA IS BEGINNING TO

SHORT, BURT. I THINK RITA IS BEGINNING TO LEAK.

I THINK RITA IS BEGINNING TO LEAK. YOU MEAN, YOU PUMP HER UP.

LEAK. YOU MEAN, YOU PUMP HER UP. NOT TODAY.

YOU MEAN, YOU PUMP HER UP. NOT TODAY. I HAVE A YEAST INFECTION.

NOT TODAY. I HAVE A YEAST INFECTION. MM-HMM.

OH, AND NOW HERE'S THIS WEEK'S FILM BY GARY WEISS. [APPLAUSE]

WEEK'S FILM BY GARY WEISS. [APPLAUSE] WELL, I FEEL THE MEN SHOULD

[APPLAUSE] WELL, I FEEL THE MEN SHOULD BE CALLED "SANITATION MEN," NOT

WELL, I FEEL THE MEN SHOULD BE CALLED "SANITATION MEN," NOT "GARBAGEMEN."

BE CALLED "SANITATION MEN," NOT "GARBAGEMEN." "SANITATION ENGINEER'S" A

"GARBAGEMEN." "SANITATION ENGINEER'S" A LITTLE TOO HIGH, BUT

"SANITATION ENGINEER'S" A LITTLE TOO HIGH, BUT "GARBAGEMAN"... I-I-IT'S

LITTLE TOO HIGH, BUT "GARBAGEMAN"... I-I-IT'S DESCRIBING THE PERSON.

"GARBAGEMAN"... I-I-IT'S DESCRIBING THE PERSON. I DON'T THINK THAT'S RIGHT.

DESCRIBING THE PERSON. I DON'T THINK THAT'S RIGHT. YOU CAN CALL ME ANYTHING AS

I DON'T THINK THAT'S RIGHT. YOU CAN CALL ME ANYTHING AS LONG AS I GET PAID EVERY WEEK.

YOU CAN CALL ME ANYTHING AS LONG AS I GET PAID EVERY WEEK. DOESN'T MAKE A DIFFERENCE ONE

LONG AS I GET PAID EVERY WEEK. DOESN'T MAKE A DIFFERENCE ONE WAY OR ANOTHER.

DOESN'T MAKE A DIFFERENCE ONE WAY OR ANOTHER. DOESN'T MATTER.

WAY OR ANOTHER. DOESN'T MATTER. YOU ARE WHAT YOU ARE.

DOESN'T MATTER. YOU ARE WHAT YOU ARE. [PETE SEEGER'S "GARBAGE"

YOU ARE WHAT YOU ARE. [PETE SEEGER'S "GARBAGE" PLAYING]

♪ MR. THOMPSON CALLS THE WAITER ♪ ♪ ORDERS STEAK AND BAKED

THE WAITER ♪ ♪ ORDERS STEAK AND BAKED POTATER ♪

♪ ORDERS STEAK AND BAKED POTATER ♪ ♪ THEN HE LEAVES THE BONE

POTATER ♪ ♪ THEN HE LEAVES THE BONE AND GRISTLE ♪

♪ THEN HE LEAVES THE BONE AND GRISTLE ♪ ♪ AND HE NEVER EATS THE SKIN ♪

AND GRISTLE ♪ ♪ AND HE NEVER EATS THE SKIN ♪ ♪ THE BUSBOY COMES

♪ AND HE NEVER EATS THE SKIN ♪ ♪ THE BUSBOY COMES AND TAKES IT ♪

♪ THE BUSBOY COMES AND TAKES IT ♪ ♪ WITH A COUGH, CONTAMINATES

AND TAKES IT ♪ ♪ WITH A COUGH, CONTAMINATES IT ♪

♪ WITH A COUGH, CONTAMINATES IT ♪ ♪ HE THROWS IT IN A CAN WITH

IT ♪ ♪ HE THROWS IT IN A CAN WITH COFFEE GROUNDS AND SARDINE

♪ HE THROWS IT IN A CAN WITH COFFEE GROUNDS AND SARDINE TINS ♪

COFFEE GROUNDS AND SARDINE TINS ♪ ♪ THEN A TRUCK COMES BY ON

TINS ♪ ♪ THEN A TRUCK COMES BY ON FRIDAY ♪

♪ THEN A TRUCK COMES BY ON FRIDAY ♪ ♪ CARTS IT ALL AWAY ♪

FRIDAY ♪ ♪ CARTS IT ALL AWAY ♪ ♪ AND A THOUSAND TRUCKS JUST

♪ CARTS IT ALL AWAY ♪ ♪ AND A THOUSAND TRUCKS JUST LIKE IT ARE CONVERGING ON THE

♪ AND A THOUSAND TRUCKS JUST LIKE IT ARE CONVERGING ON THE BAY ♪

LIKE IT ARE CONVERGING ON THE BAY ♪ ♪ GARBAGE ♪

BAY ♪ ♪ GARBAGE ♪ ♪ GARBAGE, GARBAGE, GARBAGE ♪

♪ GARBAGE ♪ ♪ GARBAGE, GARBAGE, GARBAGE ♪ ♪ GARBAGE ♪

♪ GARBAGE, GARBAGE, GARBAGE ♪ ♪ GARBAGE ♪ AROUND SPRINGTIME, BODIES

♪ GARBAGE ♪ AROUND SPRINGTIME, BODIES START POPPIN' UP.

AROUND SPRINGTIME, BODIES START POPPIN' UP. USUALLY THEY FALL IN AROUND FALL

START POPPIN' UP. USUALLY THEY FALL IN AROUND FALL OR WINTERTIME.

USUALLY THEY FALL IN AROUND FALL OR WINTERTIME. WHATEVER THE REASON IS... I

OR WINTERTIME. WHATEVER THE REASON IS... I DON'T KNOW... THEY DON'T COME UP

WHATEVER THE REASON IS... I DON'T KNOW... THEY DON'T COME UP TILL SPRING.

DON'T KNOW... THEY DON'T COME UP TILL SPRING. WHETHER IT'S THE WATER HEATING

TILL SPRING. WHETHER IT'S THE WATER HEATING UP AND THE CHEMICALS IN THE

WHETHER IT'S THE WATER HEATING UP AND THE CHEMICALS IN THE BODY, I DON'T KNOW, BUT THEY POP

UP AND THE CHEMICALS IN THE BODY, I DON'T KNOW, BUT THEY POP UP AROUND SPRING.

BODY, I DON'T KNOW, BUT THEY POP UP AROUND SPRING. WE GOT FOUR OR FIVE OF 'EM

UP AROUND SPRING. WE GOT FOUR OR FIVE OF 'EM AROUND HERE.

WE GOT FOUR OR FIVE OF 'EM AROUND HERE. FACT IS, BETWEEN US AND THE

AROUND HERE. FACT IS, BETWEEN US AND THE FIREBOAT ONE DAY, I SPOTTED

FACT IS, BETWEEN US AND THE FIREBOAT ONE DAY, I SPOTTED SOMETHING I THOUGHT WAS A LEG.

FIREBOAT ONE DAY, I SPOTTED SOMETHING I THOUGHT WAS A LEG. AFTER I GOT THE POLICE HARBOR

SOMETHING I THOUGHT WAS A LEG. AFTER I GOT THE POLICE HARBOR BOAT ON, IT TURNED OUT TO BE AN

AFTER I GOT THE POLICE HARBOR BOAT ON, IT TURNED OUT TO BE AN ARM.

BOAT ON, IT TURNED OUT TO BE AN ARM. THE HAND WAS MISSING, BUT THE

ARM. THE HAND WAS MISSING, BUT THE REST OF IT WAS THERE.

THE HAND WAS MISSING, BUT THE REST OF IT WAS THERE. SOMETIMES WE FIND GUNS IN THE

REST OF IT WAS THERE. SOMETIMES WE FIND GUNS IN THE HOPPER WHEN WE DUMP THE CANS.

SOMETIMES WE FIND GUNS IN THE HOPPER WHEN WE DUMP THE CANS. FOUND A DIAMOND RING ONCE.

HOPPER WHEN WE DUMP THE CANS. FOUND A DIAMOND RING ONCE. THAT DEPENDS ON WHAT'S

FOUND A DIAMOND RING ONCE. THAT DEPENDS ON WHAT'S VALUABLE TO YOU, YOU KNOW?

THAT DEPENDS ON WHAT'S VALUABLE TO YOU, YOU KNOW? I READ A LOT.

VALUABLE TO YOU, YOU KNOW? I READ A LOT. I FIND A LOT OF BOOKS.

I READ A LOT. I FIND A LOT OF BOOKS. THEN WE FOUND A [COUGHS] GUY

I FIND A LOT OF BOOKS. THEN WE FOUND A [COUGHS] GUY DEAD OVER HERE ON THE OTHER

THEN WE FOUND A [COUGHS] GUY DEAD OVER HERE ON THE OTHER PIER.

DEAD OVER HERE ON THE OTHER PIER. TURNED OUT TO BE A REPORTER, AND

PIER. TURNED OUT TO BE A REPORTER, AND HE'S SUPPOSED TO HAVE BLOWN HIS

TURNED OUT TO BE A REPORTER, AND HE'S SUPPOSED TO HAVE BLOWN HIS OWN HEAD OFF.

HE'S SUPPOSED TO HAVE BLOWN HIS OWN HEAD OFF. WELL, THAT DARK LAND THAT YOU

OWN HEAD OFF. WELL, THAT DARK LAND THAT YOU SEE GOING ACROSS THE WHOLE OF

WELL, THAT DARK LAND THAT YOU SEE GOING ACROSS THE WHOLE OF THE RIVER DOWN THERE... THAT'S

SEE GOING ACROSS THE WHOLE OF THE RIVER DOWN THERE... THAT'S STATEN ISLAND.

THE RIVER DOWN THERE... THAT'S STATEN ISLAND. ON THE FAR SIDE FROM HERE,

STATEN ISLAND. ON THE FAR SIDE FROM HERE, THAT'S WHERE THE SCOWS GO.

ON THE FAR SIDE FROM HERE, THAT'S WHERE THE SCOWS GO. ♪ WELL, I TRIED IN

THAT'S WHERE THE SCOWS GO. ♪ WELL, I TRIED IN NEW YORK CITY ♪

♪ WELL, I TRIED IN NEW YORK CITY ♪ ♪ OH, HO ♪

NEW YORK CITY ♪ ♪ OH, HO ♪ ♪ NO, GONNA TRY IT ON YOU ♪

♪ OH, HO ♪ ♪ NO, GONNA TRY IT ON YOU ♪ ♪ OH, YEAH ♪

♪ NO, GONNA TRY IT ON YOU ♪ ♪ OH, YEAH ♪ ♪ WORK MY ROOSTER ♪

♪ OH, YEAH ♪ ♪ WORK MY ROOSTER ♪ [INSTRUMENTAL SOLO]

WE HAVE A CONTRACT WITH THE CITY OF NEW YORK. WE HAVE MEN PICKING MATERIAL

CITY OF NEW YORK. WE HAVE MEN PICKING MATERIAL RIGHT OFF THE DUMP, RIGHT OUT OF

WE HAVE MEN PICKING MATERIAL RIGHT OFF THE DUMP, RIGHT OUT OF THE DUMP... GLASS, FERROUS

RIGHT OFF THE DUMP, RIGHT OUT OF THE DUMP... GLASS, FERROUS METALS, NONFERROUS METALS, YOU

THE DUMP... GLASS, FERROUS METALS, NONFERROUS METALS, YOU KNOW, BRASS, COPPER, STEEL,

METALS, NONFERROUS METALS, YOU KNOW, BRASS, COPPER, STEEL, IRON.

KNOW, BRASS, COPPER, STEEL, IRON. THIS IS A PART OF THE SCRAP

IRON. THIS IS A PART OF THE SCRAP THAT WE GET DOWN AT THE DUMP.

THIS IS A PART OF THE SCRAP THAT WE GET DOWN AT THE DUMP. EVENTUALLY IT'LL BE CUT UP, SOLD

THAT WE GET DOWN AT THE DUMP. EVENTUALLY IT'LL BE CUT UP, SOLD FOR SCRAP.

EVENTUALLY IT'LL BE CUT UP, SOLD FOR SCRAP. WE FOUND HIM OUT HERE ON THE

FOR SCRAP. WE FOUND HIM OUT HERE ON THE DUMP.

WE FOUND HIM OUT HERE ON THE DUMP. SOMEBODY DROPPED HIM OFF.

DUMP. SOMEBODY DROPPED HIM OFF. HE'S ONLY 5 MONTHS OLD NOW.

SOMEBODY DROPPED HIM OFF. HE'S ONLY 5 MONTHS OLD NOW. HE WAS A PUP WHEN WE RAISED HIM

HE'S ONLY 5 MONTHS OLD NOW. HE WAS A PUP WHEN WE RAISED HIM FROM OUT HERE.

HE WAS A PUP WHEN WE RAISED HIM FROM OUT HERE. WE GOT HIM OUT OF THE DUMP.

FROM OUT HERE. WE GOT HIM OUT OF THE DUMP. THE FIRST THING THAT CAME TO

WE GOT HIM OUT OF THE DUMP. THE FIRST THING THAT CAME TO US... WE CALLED HIM "DUMPY."

WHAT DO THEY CALL THIS UP HERE, JOHN? THIS IS THE BROOKFIELD LAND

HERE, JOHN? THIS IS THE BROOKFIELD LAND DUMP.

THIS IS THE BROOKFIELD LAND DUMP. DO YOU KNOW HOW WIDE IT IS?

DUMP. DO YOU KNOW HOW WIDE IT IS? IT'S ABOUT 6 MILES AROUND.

DO YOU KNOW HOW WIDE IT IS? IT'S ABOUT 6 MILES AROUND. THEY SAY IT'S THE LARGEST

IT'S ABOUT 6 MILES AROUND. THEY SAY IT'S THE LARGEST LANDFILL DUMP IN THE WORLD.

THEY SAY IT'S THE LARGEST LANDFILL DUMP IN THE WORLD. IT IS, IT IS.

LANDFILL DUMP IN THE WORLD. IT IS, IT IS. THE LARGEST IN THE WORLD.

IT IS, IT IS. THE LARGEST IN THE WORLD. YOU'VE BEEN IN BUSINESS ABOUT

THE LARGEST IN THE WORLD. YOU'VE BEEN IN BUSINESS ABOUT 20 YEARS NOW.

YOU'VE BEEN IN BUSINESS ABOUT 20 YEARS NOW. ABOUT 20 YEARS.

20 YEARS NOW. ABOUT 20 YEARS. TELL ME, JOHN, HOW DO YOU

ABOUT 20 YEARS. TELL ME, JOHN, HOW DO YOU STAND THE SMELL HERE?

TELL ME, JOHN, HOW DO YOU STAND THE SMELL HERE? SMELLS GOOD TODAY.

STAND THE SMELL HERE? SMELLS GOOD TODAY. WAIT TILL THE SUMMER, WHEN IT

SMELLS GOOD TODAY. WAIT TILL THE SUMMER, WHEN IT GETS REAL HOT AND STUFF STARTS

WAIT TILL THE SUMMER, WHEN IT GETS REAL HOT AND STUFF STARTS COOKING UP A LITTLE BIT.

GETS REAL HOT AND STUFF STARTS COOKING UP A LITTLE BIT. THAT'S WHEN YOU CAN'T STAND IT.

COOKING UP A LITTLE BIT. THAT'S WHEN YOU CAN'T STAND IT. NOW IT'S NICE.

THAT'S WHEN YOU CAN'T STAND IT. NOW IT'S NICE. THIS DOESN'T SMELL SO BAD

NOW IT'S NICE. THIS DOESN'T SMELL SO BAD RIGHT NOW?

THIS DOESN'T SMELL SO BAD RIGHT NOW? NAH. AIN'T THAT BAD.

[WIND WHISTLING] HONEY, I'M HOME.

HELLO, HONEY. YOU'RE LATE. I WILL PUT THE FOOD INTO THE

YOU'RE LATE. I WILL PUT THE FOOD INTO THE HEAT.

I WILL PUT THE FOOD INTO THE HEAT. YES.

HEAT. YES. I'M SORRY I'M LATE.

YES. I'M SORRY I'M LATE. THE COMMUTER TRAINS WERE

I'M SORRY I'M LATE. THE COMMUTER TRAINS WERE SEVERELY AFFECTED BY THE SNOW.

THE COMMUTER TRAINS WERE SEVERELY AFFECTED BY THE SNOW. OH, WELL, I'M HAPPY THAT YOU

SEVERELY AFFECTED BY THE SNOW. OH, WELL, I'M HAPPY THAT YOU WERE ABLE TO ARRIVE SAFELY.

OH, WELL, I'M HAPPY THAT YOU WERE ABLE TO ARRIVE SAFELY. I'M ENGAGED IN PREPARING YOUR

WERE ABLE TO ARRIVE SAFELY. I'M ENGAGED IN PREPARING YOUR FAVORITE MEAL... SMALL STARCH

I'M ENGAGED IN PREPARING YOUR FAVORITE MEAL... SMALL STARCH TUBES COMBINED WITH LACTATE

FAVORITE MEAL... SMALL STARCH TUBES COMBINED WITH LACTATE EXTRACT OF HOOVED MAMMALS.

TUBES COMBINED WITH LACTATE EXTRACT OF HOOVED MAMMALS. AH, YOU MEAN MACARONI AND

EXTRACT OF HOOVED MAMMALS. AH, YOU MEAN MACARONI AND CHEESE.

AH, YOU MEAN MACARONI AND CHEESE. I'M SURE WE WILL ENJOY IT.

CHEESE. I'M SURE WE WILL ENJOY IT. [WIND WHISTLING]

I'M SURE WE WILL ENJOY IT. [WIND WHISTLING] HI, MOM.

[WIND WHISTLING] HI, MOM. HI, DAD.

HI, MOM. HI, DAD. HELLO, MY YOUNG ONE.

HI, DAD. HELLO, MY YOUNG ONE. HOW WAS SCHOOL TODAY?

HELLO, MY YOUNG ONE. HOW WAS SCHOOL TODAY? THIS WIG WAS INEFFECTIVE.

HOW WAS SCHOOL TODAY? THIS WIG WAS INEFFECTIVE. THE KIDS AT SCHOOL KNOW THAT I

THIS WIG WAS INEFFECTIVE. THE KIDS AT SCHOOL KNOW THAT I AM DIFFERENT FROM THEM.

THE KIDS AT SCHOOL KNOW THAT I AM DIFFERENT FROM THEM. IT'S REALLY BUGGING ME.

AM DIFFERENT FROM THEM. IT'S REALLY BUGGING ME. THEY WANT TO KNOW WHERE I COME

IT'S REALLY BUGGING ME. THEY WANT TO KNOW WHERE I COME FROM.

THEY WANT TO KNOW WHERE I COME FROM. DADDY, WHERE DO WE COME FROM?

FROM. DADDY, WHERE DO WE COME FROM? FRANCE.

DADDY, WHERE DO WE COME FROM? FRANCE. JUST KEEP TELLING THEM YOU COME

FRANCE. JUST KEEP TELLING THEM YOU COME FROM FRANCE.

JUST KEEP TELLING THEM YOU COME FROM FRANCE. NO WAY, DAD!

FROM FRANCE. NO WAY, DAD! I HAVE FOUND THAT TO BE AN

NO WAY, DAD! I HAVE FOUND THAT TO BE AN INSUFFICIENT ANSWER.

I HAVE FOUND THAT TO BE AN INSUFFICIENT ANSWER. MAINTAIN LOW TONES WITH ME.

INSUFFICIENT ANSWER. MAINTAIN LOW TONES WITH ME. MAINTAIN LOW TONES.

MAINTAIN LOW TONES WITH ME. MAINTAIN LOW TONES. DEAR, I THINK THE TIME HAS

MAINTAIN LOW TONES. DEAR, I THINK THE TIME HAS COME TO TELL THE YOUNG ONE THE

DEAR, I THINK THE TIME HAS COME TO TELL THE YOUNG ONE THE STORY OF OUR FAMILY.

COME TO TELL THE YOUNG ONE THE STORY OF OUR FAMILY. NO, I DO NOT AGREE.

STORY OF OUR FAMILY. NO, I DO NOT AGREE. YOU MUST TELL HER NOW.

NO, I DO NOT AGREE. YOU MUST TELL HER NOW. SHE MUST KNOW.

YOU MUST TELL HER NOW. SHE MUST KNOW. PLEASE INFORM ME.

SHE MUST KNOW. PLEASE INFORM ME. A GUY ASKED ME OUT FOR A DATE IN

PLEASE INFORM ME. A GUY ASKED ME OUT FOR A DATE IN GYM CLASS THIS AFTERNOON.

A GUY ASKED ME OUT FOR A DATE IN GYM CLASS THIS AFTERNOON. I MUST PREPARE.

GYM CLASS THIS AFTERNOON. I MUST PREPARE. VERY WELL.

I MUST PREPARE. VERY WELL. THE TIME HAS COME FOR YOU TO

VERY WELL. THE TIME HAS COME FOR YOU TO KNOW.

THE TIME HAS COME FOR YOU TO KNOW. I AM BELDAR.

KNOW. I AM BELDAR. THIS IS PRYMAAT.

I AM BELDAR. THIS IS PRYMAAT. WE ARE EMISSARIES FROM THE

THIS IS PRYMAAT. WE ARE EMISSARIES FROM THE PLANET REMULAK, WHICH IS LOCATED

WE ARE EMISSARIES FROM THE PLANET REMULAK, WHICH IS LOCATED MANY LIGHT YEARS OUTSIDE OF THIS

PLANET REMULAK, WHICH IS LOCATED MANY LIGHT YEARS OUTSIDE OF THIS SOLAR SYSTEM.

MANY LIGHT YEARS OUTSIDE OF THIS SOLAR SYSTEM. 20 EARTH YEARS AGO, THE FIVE

SOLAR SYSTEM. 20 EARTH YEARS AGO, THE FIVE HIGH MASTERS OF REMULAK

20 EARTH YEARS AGO, THE FIVE HIGH MASTERS OF REMULAK DISPATCHED A FLEET OF STAR

HIGH MASTERS OF REMULAK DISPATCHED A FLEET OF STAR CRUISERS TO THIS SOLAR SYSTEM.

DISPATCHED A FLEET OF STAR CRUISERS TO THIS SOLAR SYSTEM. STAR CRUISERS?

CRUISERS TO THIS SOLAR SYSTEM. STAR CRUISERS? METALLIC DISKS POWERED BY AN

STAR CRUISERS? METALLIC DISKS POWERED BY AN ANTIGRAVITY FIELD REACTOR.

METALLIC DISKS POWERED BY AN ANTIGRAVITY FIELD REACTOR. FLYING SAUCERS, DEAR.

ANTIGRAVITY FIELD REACTOR. FLYING SAUCERS, DEAR. OH, COME ON, YOU GUYS.

FLYING SAUCERS, DEAR. OH, COME ON, YOU GUYS. THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS FLYING

OH, COME ON, YOU GUYS. THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS FLYING SAUCERS.

THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS FLYING SAUCERS. YOUR MOTHER AND I WERE

SAUCERS. YOUR MOTHER AND I WERE INSTRUCTED TO PILOT OUR MACHINE

YOUR MOTHER AND I WERE INSTRUCTED TO PILOT OUR MACHINE TO EARTH, SEIZE ALL MAJOR

INSTRUCTED TO PILOT OUR MACHINE TO EARTH, SEIZE ALL MAJOR CENTERS OF RADIO AND TELEVISION

TO EARTH, SEIZE ALL MAJOR CENTERS OF RADIO AND TELEVISION COMMUNICATION, AND INFORM THE

CENTERS OF RADIO AND TELEVISION COMMUNICATION, AND INFORM THE PEOPLE OF EARTH THAT WE OF THE

COMMUNICATION, AND INFORM THE PEOPLE OF EARTH THAT WE OF THE PLANET REMULAK WERE TAKING OVER

PEOPLE OF EARTH THAT WE OF THE PLANET REMULAK WERE TAKING OVER THEIR WORLD.

PLANET REMULAK WERE TAKING OVER THEIR WORLD. YOUR FATHER WAS TO MAKE IT

THEIR WORLD. YOUR FATHER WAS TO MAKE IT CLEAR TO THE EARTH PEOPLE THAT

YOUR FATHER WAS TO MAKE IT CLEAR TO THE EARTH PEOPLE THAT THE TWO OF US WERE TO BE CALLED

CLEAR TO THE EARTH PEOPLE THAT THE TWO OF US WERE TO BE CALLED THE TIME KEEPERS, THAT WE WOULD

THE TWO OF US WERE TO BE CALLED THE TIME KEEPERS, THAT WE WOULD REMAIN HERE FOR SEVEN CENTURIES,

THE TIME KEEPERS, THAT WE WOULD REMAIN HERE FOR SEVEN CENTURIES, THAT WE WERE TO END ALL WARS,

REMAIN HERE FOR SEVEN CENTURIES, THAT WE WERE TO END ALL WARS, THAT THE EARTH WEAPONS WERE

THAT WE WERE TO END ALL WARS, THAT THE EARTH WEAPONS WERE USELESS AGAINST US, AND THAT

THAT THE EARTH WEAPONS WERE USELESS AGAINST US, AND THAT THEY WOULD DESTROY THEM IF THEY

USELESS AGAINST US, AND THAT THEY WOULD DESTROY THEM IF THEY DID NOT FOLLOW OUR INSTRUCTIONS.

THEY WOULD DESTROY THEM IF THEY DID NOT FOLLOW OUR INSTRUCTIONS. I ASK YOU, THEN.

DID NOT FOLLOW OUR INSTRUCTIONS. I ASK YOU, THEN. WHAT HAPPENED?

I ASK YOU, THEN. WHAT HAPPENED? I... LOST THE SPEECH I WAS

WHAT HAPPENED? I... LOST THE SPEECH I WAS SUPPOSED TO MAKE.

I... LOST THE SPEECH I WAS SUPPOSED TO MAKE. I HAD A SPEECH.

SUPPOSED TO MAKE. I HAD A SPEECH. PEOPLE OF EARTH, I AM THE TIME

I HAD A SPEECH. PEOPLE OF EARTH, I AM THE TIME KEEPER FROM THE PLANET REMULAK.

PEOPLE OF EARTH, I AM THE TIME KEEPER FROM THE PLANET REMULAK. YOUR WEAPONS ARE USELESS AGAINST

KEEPER FROM THE PLANET REMULAK. YOUR WEAPONS ARE USELESS AGAINST US.

YOUR WEAPONS ARE USELESS AGAINST US. I LOST THE REST OF IT.

US. I LOST THE REST OF IT. THE INSTRUCTIONS, TIMES, DATES,

I LOST THE REST OF IT. THE INSTRUCTIONS, TIMES, DATES, PLACE, ORDERS FOR THE U.N.

THE INSTRUCTIONS, TIMES, DATES, PLACE, ORDERS FOR THE U.N. I DON'T KNOW WHERE I LOST IT.

PLACE, ORDERS FOR THE U.N. I DON'T KNOW WHERE I LOST IT. BUT WHAT CAME OF YOUR FLYING

I DON'T KNOW WHERE I LOST IT. BUT WHAT CAME OF YOUR FLYING SAUCER?

BUT WHAT CAME OF YOUR FLYING SAUCER? IT'S AT THE BOTTOM OF

SAUCER? IT'S AT THE BOTTOM OF LAKE MICHIGAN.

IT'S AT THE BOTTOM OF LAKE MICHIGAN. YOUR MOTHER WAS AT THE

LAKE MICHIGAN. YOUR MOTHER WAS AT THE CONTROL PANEL.

YOUR MOTHER WAS AT THE CONTROL PANEL. NO, IT WAS YOU WHO WAS

CONTROL PANEL. NO, IT WAS YOU WHO WAS GUIDING US.

NO, IT WAS YOU WHO WAS GUIDING US. NO, MY DEAR.

GUIDING US. NO, MY DEAR. YOU WERE RESPONSIBLE FOR THE

NO, MY DEAR. YOU WERE RESPONSIBLE FOR THE CONTROL INDICES.

YOU WERE RESPONSIBLE FOR THE CONTROL INDICES. BUT DID YOUR PLANET NOT SEND

CONTROL INDICES. BUT DID YOUR PLANET NOT SEND A RESCUE SHIP FOR YOU?

BUT DID YOUR PLANET NOT SEND A RESCUE SHIP FOR YOU? WELL, OUR PLANET CUT BACK ON

A RESCUE SHIP FOR YOU? WELL, OUR PLANET CUT BACK ON THEIR SPACE PROGRAM, AND I HAD

WELL, OUR PLANET CUT BACK ON THEIR SPACE PROGRAM, AND I HAD TO GET A JOB HERE ON EARTH AS A

THEIR SPACE PROGRAM, AND I HAD TO GET A JOB HERE ON EARTH AS A DRIVING INSTRUCTOR.

TO GET A JOB HERE ON EARTH AS A DRIVING INSTRUCTOR. IN ORDER TO BE LESS OBVIOUS

DRIVING INSTRUCTOR. IN ORDER TO BE LESS OBVIOUS ON EARTH, WE TOOK THE NAMES

IN ORDER TO BE LESS OBVIOUS ON EARTH, WE TOOK THE NAMES FRED AND JOYCE CONEHEAD.

ON EARTH, WE TOOK THE NAMES FRED AND JOYCE CONEHEAD. AND THEN, MY DEAR, YOU WERE

FRED AND JOYCE CONEHEAD. AND THEN, MY DEAR, YOU WERE BORN.

AND THEN, MY DEAR, YOU WERE BORN. AND WHEN YOUR LITTLE CONE WAS

BORN. AND WHEN YOUR LITTLE CONE WAS SHOWN TO US, WE KNEW WE HAD TO

AND WHEN YOUR LITTLE CONE WAS SHOWN TO US, WE KNEW WE HAD TO STAY HERE ON EARTH.

SHOWN TO US, WE KNEW WE HAD TO STAY HERE ON EARTH. WE NAMED YOU CONNIE.

STAY HERE ON EARTH. WE NAMED YOU CONNIE. AND, BESIDES, THE SCHOOLS ARE

WE NAMED YOU CONNIE. AND, BESIDES, THE SCHOOLS ARE BETTER HERE.

AND, BESIDES, THE SCHOOLS ARE BETTER HERE. I TOOK OUT A MORTGAGE ON THIS

BETTER HERE. I TOOK OUT A MORTGAGE ON THIS HOUSE.

I TOOK OUT A MORTGAGE ON THIS HOUSE. YOUR MOTHER JOINED A FEW CLUBS.

HOUSE. YOUR MOTHER JOINED A FEW CLUBS. PERHAPS ONE DAY THE HIGH MASTERS

YOUR MOTHER JOINED A FEW CLUBS. PERHAPS ONE DAY THE HIGH MASTERS OF OUR PLANET WILL DISPATCH A

PERHAPS ONE DAY THE HIGH MASTERS OF OUR PLANET WILL DISPATCH A FLEET OF STAR CRUISERS TO RESCUE

OF OUR PLANET WILL DISPATCH A FLEET OF STAR CRUISERS TO RESCUE US.

FLEET OF STAR CRUISERS TO RESCUE US. BUT UNTIL THEN, JUST DO ALL

US. BUT UNTIL THEN, JUST DO ALL YOUR HOMEWORK AND TELL EVERYONE

BUT UNTIL THEN, JUST DO ALL YOUR HOMEWORK AND TELL EVERYONE YOU COME FROM FRANCE.

YOUR HOMEWORK AND TELL EVERYONE YOU COME FROM FRANCE. [DOORBELL RINGS]

YOU COME FROM FRANCE. [DOORBELL RINGS] MY DATE IS HERE.

[DOORBELL RINGS] MY DATE IS HERE. I MUST PREPARE MY CONE.

MY DATE IS HERE. I MUST PREPARE MY CONE. WE WILL GREET HIM.

I MUST PREPARE MY CONE. WE WILL GREET HIM. [WIND WHISTLING]

WE WILL GREET HIM. [WIND WHISTLING] HI.

[WIND WHISTLING] HI. MR. AND MRS. CONHED?

HI. MR. AND MRS. CONHED? CONEHEAD.

MR. AND MRS. CONHED? CONEHEAD. OH. CONEHEAD.

CONEHEAD. OH. CONEHEAD. HI. I'M RONNIE GETHSETTER.

OH. CONEHEAD. HI. I'M RONNIE GETHSETTER. HELLO.

HI. I'M RONNIE GETHSETTER. HELLO. IS CONNIE HERE?

HELLO. IS CONNIE HERE? ENTER.

IS CONNIE HERE? ENTER. WE WERE EXPECTING YOU.

ENTER. WE WERE EXPECTING YOU. HEY. GREAT.

WE WERE EXPECTING YOU. HEY. GREAT. [LAUGHS]

HEY. GREAT. [LAUGHS] I MIGHT BE A LITTLE BIT EARLY.

[LAUGHS] I MIGHT BE A LITTLE BIT EARLY. I'M SORRY.

I MIGHT BE A LITTLE BIT EARLY. I'M SORRY. PLEASE ENTER AND SIT DOWN.

I'M SORRY. PLEASE ENTER AND SIT DOWN. WOULD YOU LIKE TO SATIATE

PLEASE ENTER AND SIT DOWN. WOULD YOU LIKE TO SATIATE YOURSELF WITH SOME BEER AND

WOULD YOU LIKE TO SATIATE YOURSELF WITH SOME BEER AND POTATO CHIPS?

YOURSELF WITH SOME BEER AND POTATO CHIPS? HEY, THAT WOULD BE GREAT.

POTATO CHIPS? HEY, THAT WOULD BE GREAT. TERRIFIC, MRS. CONEHEAD.

HEY, THAT WOULD BE GREAT. TERRIFIC, MRS. CONEHEAD. I SEE WHERE CONNIE GETS HER GOOD

TERRIFIC, MRS. CONEHEAD. I SEE WHERE CONNIE GETS HER GOOD LOOKS.

I SEE WHERE CONNIE GETS HER GOOD LOOKS. SO, PAL.

LOOKS. SO, PAL. WHAT MANNER OF VEHICLE BROUGHT

SO, PAL. WHAT MANNER OF VEHICLE BROUGHT YOU HERE TONIGHT?

WHAT MANNER OF VEHICLE BROUGHT YOU HERE TONIGHT? UH, MY FATHER LENT ME ONE

YOU HERE TONIGHT? UH, MY FATHER LENT ME ONE OF HIS TOW TRUCKS, MR. CONEHEAD.

UH, MY FATHER LENT ME ONE OF HIS TOW TRUCKS, MR. CONEHEAD. MM.

OF HIS TOW TRUCKS, MR. CONEHEAD. MM. AH, POTATO CHIPS AND BEER.

MM. AH, POTATO CHIPS AND BEER. WE INVITE YOU TO CONSUME FREELY.

OH. HI, RONNIE. HI, CONNIE.

HI, RONNIE. HI, CONNIE. I SEE YOU HAVE MET MY

HI, CONNIE. I SEE YOU HAVE MET MY PARENTAL UNITS.

I SEE YOU HAVE MET MY PARENTAL UNITS. YES, I HAVE.

PARENTAL UNITS. YES, I HAVE. I HEARD YOU MADE THE DIVING

YES, I HAVE. I HEARD YOU MADE THE DIVING TEAM.

I HEARD YOU MADE THE DIVING TEAM. THAT'S GREAT.

TEAM. THAT'S GREAT. YES. I'M VERY PROUD.

THAT'S GREAT. YES. I'M VERY PROUD. YOUR FOLKS REALLY KNOW HOW TO

YES. I'M VERY PROUD. YOUR FOLKS REALLY KNOW HOW TO PUT AWAY THE BREW.

YOUR FOLKS REALLY KNOW HOW TO PUT AWAY THE BREW. HEY, UH, WHERE DO THEY PUT IT?

PUT AWAY THE BREW. HEY, UH, WHERE DO THEY PUT IT? [CHUCKLES]

HEY, UH, WHERE DO THEY PUT IT? [CHUCKLES] HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA.

[CHUCKLES] HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA. ARE YOU READY TO GO?

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA. ARE YOU READY TO GO? YES.

ARE YOU READY TO GO? YES. GOOD NIGHT, PARENTS.

YES. GOOD NIGHT, PARENTS. [BEEP]

GOOD NIGHT, PARENTS. [BEEP] I WILL REMEMBER ALL YOU HAVE

[BEEP] I WILL REMEMBER ALL YOU HAVE TOLD ME.

I WILL REMEMBER ALL YOU HAVE TOLD ME. HAVE A GOOD TIME.

TOLD ME. HAVE A GOOD TIME. DRIVE YOUR VEHICLE CAREFULLY.

HAVE A GOOD TIME. DRIVE YOUR VEHICLE CAREFULLY. THE SNOW HAS NEGATIVELY AFFECTED

DRIVE YOUR VEHICLE CAREFULLY. THE SNOW HAS NEGATIVELY AFFECTED ROAD FACTORS.

THE SNOW HAS NEGATIVELY AFFECTED ROAD FACTORS. RETURN AT THE TIME

ROAD FACTORS. RETURN AT THE TIME COORDINATES WE HAVE AGREED UPON.

RETURN AT THE TIME COORDINATES WE HAVE AGREED UPON. DO NOT BE LATE.

COORDINATES WE HAVE AGREED UPON. DO NOT BE LATE. OKAY.

DO NOT BE LATE. OKAY. UH, HEY, THANKS VERY MUCH FOR

OKAY. UH, HEY, THANKS VERY MUCH FOR THE BREW, MR. AND MRS. CONEHEAD.

UH, HEY, THANKS VERY MUCH FOR THE BREW, MR. AND MRS. CONEHEAD. I'LL TAKE GOOD CARE OF CONNIE.

THE BREW, MR. AND MRS. CONEHEAD. I'LL TAKE GOOD CARE OF CONNIE. OKAY.

I'LL TAKE GOOD CARE OF CONNIE. OKAY. HAVE A GOOD TIME.

OKAY. HAVE A GOOD TIME. OKAY. THANK YOU.

HAVE A GOOD TIME. OKAY. THANK YOU. GOOD NIGHT.

OKAY. THANK YOU. GOOD NIGHT. [WIND WHISTLING]

GOOD NIGHT. [WIND WHISTLING] WELL, MY DEAR, SHALL WE PLAY

[WIND WHISTLING] WELL, MY DEAR, SHALL WE PLAY SOME RINGTOSS BEFORE DINNER?

WELL, MY DEAR, SHALL WE PLAY SOME RINGTOSS BEFORE DINNER? YES.

SOME RINGTOSS BEFORE DINNER? YES. THAT WOULD BE PLEASURABLE.

Announcer: ONCE AGAIN, GEORGE BENSON. [APPLAUSE]

♪ I'M GONNA LOVE YOU MORE ♪ ♪ MORE THAN ANYTHING YOU'VE HEARD ABOUT ♪

♪ MORE THAN ANYTHING YOU'VE HEARD ABOUT ♪ ♪ I'M GONNA LOVE YOU MORE ♪

YOU'VE HEARD ABOUT ♪ ♪ I'M GONNA LOVE YOU MORE ♪ ♪ MORE THAN ANY DAY

♪ I'M GONNA LOVE YOU MORE ♪ ♪ MORE THAN ANY DAY AND ANY NIGHT ♪

♪ MORE THAN ANY DAY AND ANY NIGHT ♪ ♪ WITH US TOGETHER ♪

AND ANY NIGHT ♪ ♪ WITH US TOGETHER ♪ ♪ TOGETHER ♪

♪ WITH US TOGETHER ♪ ♪ TOGETHER ♪ ♪ I'M GONNA LOVE YOU MORE ♪

♪ TOGETHER ♪ ♪ I'M GONNA LOVE YOU MORE ♪ ♪ MORE ♪

♪ I'M GONNA LOVE YOU MORE ♪ ♪ MORE ♪ ♪ I'M GONNA LOVE YOU MORE ♪

♪ MORE ♪ ♪ I'M GONNA LOVE YOU MORE ♪ ♪ MORE THAN ANYTHING

♪ I'M GONNA LOVE YOU MORE ♪ ♪ MORE THAN ANYTHING YOU'VE HEARD ABOUT ♪

♪ MORE THAN ANYTHING YOU'VE HEARD ABOUT ♪ ♪ I'M GONNA LOVE YOU MORE ♪

YOU'VE HEARD ABOUT ♪ ♪ I'M GONNA LOVE YOU MORE ♪ ♪ MORE THAN ANY DAY

♪ I'M GONNA LOVE YOU MORE ♪ ♪ MORE THAN ANY DAY AND ANY NIGHT ♪

♪ MORE THAN ANY DAY AND ANY NIGHT ♪ ♪ WITH US TOGETHER ♪

AND ANY NIGHT ♪ ♪ WITH US TOGETHER ♪ ♪ TOGETHER ♪

♪ WITH US TOGETHER ♪ ♪ TOGETHER ♪ ♪ I'M GONNA LOVE YOU MORE ♪

♪ TOGETHER ♪ ♪ I'M GONNA LOVE YOU MORE ♪ ♪ MORE ♪

♪ I'M GONNA LOVE YOU MORE ♪ ♪ MORE ♪ ♪ I'M GONNA LOVE YOU MORE ♪

♪ MORE ♪ ♪ I'M GONNA LOVE YOU MORE ♪ ♪ MORE THAN I CAN LOVE

♪ I'M GONNA LOVE YOU MORE ♪ ♪ MORE THAN I CAN LOVE IN A DREAM ♪

♪ MORE THAN I CAN LOVE IN A DREAM ♪ ♪ MORE THAN I CAN EXPLAIN ♪

IN A DREAM ♪ ♪ MORE THAN I CAN EXPLAIN ♪ ♪ MORE THAN EVERYTHING ♪

♪ MORE THAN I CAN EXPLAIN ♪ ♪ MORE THAN EVERYTHING ♪ ♪ GONNA LOVE YOU MORE ♪

♪ MORE THAN EVERYTHING ♪ ♪ GONNA LOVE YOU MORE ♪ ♪ YES, I'M GONNA LOVE YOU MORE ♪

♪ GONNA LOVE YOU MORE ♪ ♪ YES, I'M GONNA LOVE YOU MORE ♪ ♪ THAT'S WHY I SING ♪

♪ YES, I'M GONNA LOVE YOU MORE ♪ ♪ THAT'S WHY I SING ♪ ♪ THAT'S WHY I SING ♪

♪ THAT'S WHY I SING ♪ ♪ THAT'S WHY I SING ♪ ♪ I'M GONNA HOLD YOU

♪ THAT'S WHY I SING ♪ ♪ I'M GONNA HOLD YOU IN MY ARMS TONIGHT ♪

♪ I'M GONNA HOLD YOU IN MY ARMS TONIGHT ♪ ♪ I'M GONNA SQUEEZE YOU, BABY ♪

IN MY ARMS TONIGHT ♪ ♪ I'M GONNA SQUEEZE YOU, BABY ♪ ♪ 'CAUSE YOU KNOW I GOT

♪ I'M GONNA SQUEEZE YOU, BABY ♪ ♪ 'CAUSE YOU KNOW I GOT THE RIGHT ♪

♪ I'M GONNA LOVE YOU MORE ♪ ♪ MORE THAN I CAN LOVE IN A DREAM ♪

♪ MORE THAN I CAN LOVE IN A DREAM ♪ ♪ MORE THAN I CAN EXPLAIN ♪

IN A DREAM ♪ ♪ MORE THAN I CAN EXPLAIN ♪ ♪ MORE THAN EVERYTHING ♪

♪ MORE THAN I CAN EXPLAIN ♪ ♪ MORE THAN EVERYTHING ♪ ♪ GONNA LOVE YOU MORE ♪

♪ MORE THAN EVERYTHING ♪ ♪ GONNA LOVE YOU MORE ♪ ♪ YES, I'M GONNA LOVE YOU MORE ♪

♪ GONNA LOVE YOU MORE ♪ ♪ YES, I'M GONNA LOVE YOU MORE ♪ ♪ THAT'S WHY I SING ♪

♪ YES, I'M GONNA LOVE YOU MORE ♪ ♪ THAT'S WHY I SING ♪ ♪ THAT'S WHY I SING ♪

♪ THAT'S WHY I SING ♪ ♪ THAT'S WHY I SING ♪ ♪ I'M GONNA HOLD YOU

♪ THAT'S WHY I SING ♪ ♪ I'M GONNA HOLD YOU IN MY ARMS TONIGHT ♪

♪ I'M GONNA HOLD YOU IN MY ARMS TONIGHT ♪ ♪ I'M GONNA SQUEEZE YOU, BABY ♪

IN MY ARMS TONIGHT ♪ ♪ I'M GONNA SQUEEZE YOU, BABY ♪ ♪ 'CAUSE YOU KNOW I GOT

♪ I'M GONNA SQUEEZE YOU, BABY ♪ ♪ 'CAUSE YOU KNOW I GOT THE RIGHT ♪

♪ 'CAUSE YOU KNOW I GOT THE RIGHT ♪ ♪ AND I'M GONNA BE

THE RIGHT ♪ ♪ AND I'M GONNA BE YOUR LOVER MAN ♪

♪ AND I'M GONNA BE YOUR LOVER MAN ♪ ♪ GONNA LOVE YOU RIGHT

YOUR LOVER MAN ♪ ♪ GONNA LOVE YOU RIGHT 'CAUSE I KNOW I CAN ♪

♪ GONNA LOVE YOU RIGHT 'CAUSE I KNOW I CAN ♪ ♪ DO-DO-DO-DUM-DUM-DUM ♪

'CAUSE I KNOW I CAN ♪ ♪ DO-DO-DO-DUM-DUM-DUM ♪ ♪ DO-DO-DO-DUM-DUM-DUM-DUM ♪

♪ DO-DO-DO-DUM-DUM-DUM ♪ ♪ DO-DO-DO-DUM-DUM-DUM-DUM ♪ ♪ I'M GONNA LOVE YOU, BABY ♪

♪ DO-DO-DO-DUM-DUM-DUM-DUM ♪ ♪ I'M GONNA LOVE YOU, BABY ♪ ♪ GONNA LOVE YOU RIGHT

♪ I'M GONNA LOVE YOU, BABY ♪ ♪ GONNA LOVE YOU RIGHT 'CAUSE I KNOW I CAN ♪

♪ GONNA LOVE YOU RIGHT 'CAUSE I KNOW I CAN ♪ ♪ DO-DO-DO-DUM-DUM-DUM ♪

'CAUSE I KNOW I CAN ♪ ♪ DO-DO-DO-DUM-DUM-DUM ♪ ♪ DO-DO-DO-DO-DO ♪

♪ DO-DO-DO-DUM-DUM-DUM ♪ ♪ DO-DO-DO-DO-DO ♪ ♪ DO-DO ♪

♪ DO-DO-DO-DO-DO ♪ ♪ DO-DO ♪ ♪ GONNA LOVE YOU, BABY ♪

♪ DO-DO ♪ ♪ GONNA LOVE YOU, BABY ♪ [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

GOOD EVENING. WELCOME TO "YOUTH ASKS THE QUESTIONS."

WELCOME TO "YOUTH ASKS THE QUESTIONS." I'M YOUR HOST, JANE CURTIN.

"YOUTH ASKS THE QUESTIONS." I'M YOUR HOST, JANE CURTIN. AND TONIGHT WE'RE PROUD TO HAVE

I'M YOUR HOST, JANE CURTIN. AND TONIGHT WE'RE PROUD TO HAVE AS OUR GUEST THE ACKNOWLEDGED

AND TONIGHT WE'RE PROUD TO HAVE AS OUR GUEST THE ACKNOWLEDGED LEADER OF THE AMERICAN CONSUMER

AS OUR GUEST THE ACKNOWLEDGED LEADER OF THE AMERICAN CONSUMER MOVEMENT, MR. RALPH NADER.

LEADER OF THE AMERICAN CONSUMER MOVEMENT, MR. RALPH NADER. TONIGHT'S SHOW WILL BE A

MOVEMENT, MR. RALPH NADER. TONIGHT'S SHOW WILL BE A WIDE-OPEN QUESTION-AND-ANSWER

TONIGHT'S SHOW WILL BE A WIDE-OPEN QUESTION-AND-ANSWER SESSION, AND OUR PANEL OF

WIDE-OPEN QUESTION-AND-ANSWER SESSION, AND OUR PANEL OF STUDENTS WILL INCLUDE

SESSION, AND OUR PANEL OF STUDENTS WILL INCLUDE SHERRI NORWALK FROM VALLEY STATE

STUDENTS WILL INCLUDE SHERRI NORWALK FROM VALLEY STATE UNIVERSITY IN VAN NUYS,

SHERRI NORWALK FROM VALLEY STATE UNIVERSITY IN VAN NUYS, CALIFORNIA, GERARD ALDINI FROM

UNIVERSITY IN VAN NUYS, CALIFORNIA, GERARD ALDINI FROM CARNEGIE MELLON UNIVERSITY IN

CALIFORNIA, GERARD ALDINI FROM CARNEGIE MELLON UNIVERSITY IN PITTSBURGH, AND RHONDA WEISS

CARNEGIE MELLON UNIVERSITY IN PITTSBURGH, AND RHONDA WEISS FROM LONG ISLAND UNIVERSITY.

PITTSBURGH, AND RHONDA WEISS FROM LONG ISLAND UNIVERSITY. MS. WEISS, WILL YOU BEGIN THE

FROM LONG ISLAND UNIVERSITY. MS. WEISS, WILL YOU BEGIN THE QUESTIONING?

MS. WEISS, WILL YOU BEGIN THE QUESTIONING? HI, MR. NADER.

QUESTIONING? HI, MR. NADER. ABOUT THE ADVERTISING CAMPAIGN

HI, MR. NADER. ABOUT THE ADVERTISING CAMPAIGN FOR THE 1977 CARS, SPECIFICALLY

ABOUT THE ADVERTISING CAMPAIGN FOR THE 1977 CARS, SPECIFICALLY THE PLYMOUTH CORDOBA... IS THAT

FOR THE 1977 CARS, SPECIFICALLY THE PLYMOUTH CORDOBA... IS THAT RICARDO MONTALBAUM OR

THE PLYMOUTH CORDOBA... IS THAT RICARDO MONTALBAUM OR FERNANDO LAMAS?

RICARDO MONTALBAUM OR FERNANDO LAMAS? I-I DON'T REALLY KNOW.

FERNANDO LAMAS? I-I DON'T REALLY KNOW. YOU SEE, I WAS INTERESTED MORE

I-I DON'T REALLY KNOW. YOU SEE, I WAS INTERESTED MORE IN THE CORDOBA'S STEERING RATIO.

YOU SEE, I WAS INTERESTED MORE IN THE CORDOBA'S STEERING RATIO. YOU MUST HAVE DONE SOME

IN THE CORDOBA'S STEERING RATIO. YOU MUST HAVE DONE SOME RESEARCH ON THE DODGE MONACO,

YOU MUST HAVE DONE SOME RESEARCH ON THE DODGE MONACO, HUH?

RESEARCH ON THE DODGE MONACO, HUH? YES.

HUH? YES. I'M FAMILIAR WITH THE MONACO.

YES. I'M FAMILIAR WITH THE MONACO. IS LOUIS JOURDAN REALLY

I'M FAMILIAR WITH THE MONACO. IS LOUIS JOURDAN REALLY FRENCH?

IS LOUIS JOURDAN REALLY FRENCH? WHAT?

FRENCH? WHAT? WELL, LIKE, I SAW "GIGI," AND

WHAT? WELL, LIKE, I SAW "GIGI," AND HIS ACCENT SEEMED REALLY KIND OF

WELL, LIKE, I SAW "GIGI," AND HIS ACCENT SEEMED REALLY KIND OF FAKEY TO ME, YOU KNOW?

HIS ACCENT SEEMED REALLY KIND OF FAKEY TO ME, YOU KNOW? UH, I GOT A QUESTION,

FAKEY TO ME, YOU KNOW? UH, I GOT A QUESTION, MR. RADER.

UH, I GOT A QUESTION, MR. RADER. LET ME ASK YOU THIS.

MR. RADER. LET ME ASK YOU THIS. NADER.

LET ME ASK YOU THIS. NADER. UH, YEAH.

NADER. UH, YEAH. I'M STEREO HUNTING.

UH, YEAH. I'M STEREO HUNTING. WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT THIS?

I'M STEREO HUNTING. WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT THIS? UH, KENMORE 2002 AMP.

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT THIS? UH, KENMORE 2002 AMP. TBL TURNTABLE AND SOME SPEAKERS.

UH, KENMORE 2002 AMP. TBL TURNTABLE AND SOME SPEAKERS. UH, MS. WEISS, YOU HAD A

TBL TURNTABLE AND SOME SPEAKERS. UH, MS. WEISS, YOU HAD A QUESTION?

UH, MS. WEISS, YOU HAD A QUESTION? OH, YES.

QUESTION? OH, YES. HI, MR. NADER.

OH, YES. HI, MR. NADER. IN THE COURSE OF YOUR RESEARCH,

HI, MR. NADER. IN THE COURSE OF YOUR RESEARCH, DID YOU ACTUALLY GET TO MEET

IN THE COURSE OF YOUR RESEARCH, DID YOU ACTUALLY GET TO MEET RICARDO MONTALBAUM?

DID YOU ACTUALLY GET TO MEET RICARDO MONTALBAUM? I DON'T KNOW.

RICARDO MONTALBAUM? I DON'T KNOW. I MAY HAVE.

I DON'T KNOW. I MAY HAVE. WHAT'S HE LIKE IN PERSON?

I MAY HAVE. WHAT'S HE LIKE IN PERSON? IS HE REALLY STUCK-UP?

WHAT'S HE LIKE IN PERSON? IS HE REALLY STUCK-UP? MY BOYFRIEND, TONY, SAW HIM

IS HE REALLY STUCK-UP? MY BOYFRIEND, TONY, SAW HIM IN A RESTAURANT AND SAID HE

MY BOYFRIEND, TONY, SAW HIM IN A RESTAURANT AND SAID HE THINKS HE'S JOE COOL ON A STICK.

IN A RESTAURANT AND SAID HE THINKS HE'S JOE COOL ON A STICK. OH, YOU'RE KIDDING.

THINKS HE'S JOE COOL ON A STICK. OH, YOU'RE KIDDING. REALLY.

OH, YOU'RE KIDDING. REALLY. WELL, I FRANKLY DON'T KNOW.

REALLY. WELL, I FRANKLY DON'T KNOW. MR. ALDINI, DO YOU HAVE A

WELL, I FRANKLY DON'T KNOW. MR. ALDINI, DO YOU HAVE A QUESTION?

MR. ALDINI, DO YOU HAVE A QUESTION? I'M GONNA BACKTRACK TO THAT

QUESTION? I'M GONNA BACKTRACK TO THAT STEREO QUESTION YOU KIND OF

I'M GONNA BACKTRACK TO THAT STEREO QUESTION YOU KIND OF AVOIDED.

STEREO QUESTION YOU KIND OF AVOIDED. LIKE, IF I GAVE YOU THE MONEY

AVOIDED. LIKE, IF I GAVE YOU THE MONEY AND YOU LOOK AROUND, COULD YOU

LIKE, IF I GAVE YOU THE MONEY AND YOU LOOK AROUND, COULD YOU PICK ME UP A STEREO?

AND YOU LOOK AROUND, COULD YOU PICK ME UP A STEREO? COULD YOU SEND IT TO MY HOUSE?

PICK ME UP A STEREO? COULD YOU SEND IT TO MY HOUSE? 'CAUSE MAYBE YOU COULD FIND A

COULD YOU SEND IT TO MY HOUSE? 'CAUSE MAYBE YOU COULD FIND A REAL CHEAP ONE AT THE END OF THE

'CAUSE MAYBE YOU COULD FIND A REAL CHEAP ONE AT THE END OF THE SEMESTER OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT.

REAL CHEAP ONE AT THE END OF THE SEMESTER OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT. SECONDHAND, SEND IT TO ME?

SEMESTER OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT. SECONDHAND, SEND IT TO ME? I THINK PERHAPS THERE'S A

SECONDHAND, SEND IT TO ME? I THINK PERHAPS THERE'S A MISUNDERSTANDING HERE... A BASIC

I THINK PERHAPS THERE'S A MISUNDERSTANDING HERE... A BASIC ONE.

MISUNDERSTANDING HERE... A BASIC ONE. I'M A CONSUMER ADVOCATE.

ONE. I'M A CONSUMER ADVOCATE. MY RESEARCH GROUPS TRY TO

I'M A CONSUMER ADVOCATE. MY RESEARCH GROUPS TRY TO ENCOURAGE CITIZENS TO LEARN

MY RESEARCH GROUPS TRY TO ENCOURAGE CITIZENS TO LEARN ABOUT REAL PROBLEMS, LIKE

ENCOURAGE CITIZENS TO LEARN ABOUT REAL PROBLEMS, LIKE CIGARETTE SMOKING, ALCOHOLISM,

ABOUT REAL PROBLEMS, LIKE CIGARETTE SMOKING, ALCOHOLISM, DANGEROUS DRUGS, AIR AND WATER

CIGARETTE SMOKING, ALCOHOLISM, DANGEROUS DRUGS, AIR AND WATER POLLUTION, GOVERNMENT

DANGEROUS DRUGS, AIR AND WATER POLLUTION, GOVERNMENT CORRUPTION, CORPORATE CRIME, AND

POLLUTION, GOVERNMENT CORRUPTION, CORPORATE CRIME, AND TO REALLY WORK ON THESE

CORRUPTION, CORPORATE CRIME, AND TO REALLY WORK ON THESE PROBLEMS.

TO REALLY WORK ON THESE PROBLEMS. THAT'S ALL VERY WELL AND

PROBLEMS. THAT'S ALL VERY WELL AND GOOD, MR. NADER, BUT I THINK WE

THAT'S ALL VERY WELL AND GOOD, MR. NADER, BUT I THINK WE SHOULD GET BACK ON THE SUBJECT.

GOOD, MR. NADER, BUT I THINK WE SHOULD GET BACK ON THE SUBJECT. MR. ALDINI, YOU WERE SAYING?

SHOULD GET BACK ON THE SUBJECT. MR. ALDINI, YOU WERE SAYING? YEAH.

MR. ALDINI, YOU WERE SAYING? YEAH. WELL, ON THAT VERY SUBJECT, I'LL

YEAH. WELL, ON THAT VERY SUBJECT, I'LL GIVE YOU A GOOD ONE.

WELL, ON THAT VERY SUBJECT, I'LL GIVE YOU A GOOD ONE. THIS BUDDY OF MY DAD'S FOUND A

GIVE YOU A GOOD ONE. THIS BUDDY OF MY DAD'S FOUND A DEAD MOUSE IN A POP BOTTLE.

THIS BUDDY OF MY DAD'S FOUND A DEAD MOUSE IN A POP BOTTLE. BUT HE DIDN'T DO ANYTHING ABOUT

DEAD MOUSE IN A POP BOTTLE. BUT HE DIDN'T DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT.

BUT HE DIDN'T DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT. I THINK HE JUST THREW IT DOWN IN

IT. I THINK HE JUST THREW IT DOWN IN THE BASEMENT OR SOMETHING.

I THINK HE JUST THREW IT DOWN IN THE BASEMENT OR SOMETHING. IF WE FOUND THE BOTTLE AND MAYBE

THE BASEMENT OR SOMETHING. IF WE FOUND THE BOTTLE AND MAYBE GAVE IT TO YOUR GROUP, COULD

IF WE FOUND THE BOTTLE AND MAYBE GAVE IT TO YOUR GROUP, COULD THEY TAKE IT BACK TO THE COMPANY

GAVE IT TO YOUR GROUP, COULD THEY TAKE IT BACK TO THE COMPANY AND GET MONEY FOR IT?

THEY TAKE IT BACK TO THE COMPANY AND GET MONEY FOR IT? MR. NADER, IF JESUS CHRIST

AND GET MONEY FOR IT? MR. NADER, IF JESUS CHRIST FOUGHT SUPERMAN, WHO DO YOU

MR. NADER, IF JESUS CHRIST FOUGHT SUPERMAN, WHO DO YOU THINK WOULD WIN?

FOUGHT SUPERMAN, WHO DO YOU THINK WOULD WIN? AH!

THINK WOULD WIN? AH! OH, UM... UM, HI, MR. NADER.

AH! OH, UM... UM, HI, MR. NADER. I KNOW WE'RE RUNNING OUT OF

OH, UM... UM, HI, MR. NADER. I KNOW WE'RE RUNNING OUT OF TIME, BUT IS A DOG'S MOUTH

I KNOW WE'RE RUNNING OUT OF TIME, BUT IS A DOG'S MOUTH REALLY CLEANER THAN A HUMAN'S?

TIME, BUT IS A DOG'S MOUTH REALLY CLEANER THAN A HUMAN'S? TRUE, WE ARE ALMOST RUNNING

REALLY CLEANER THAN A HUMAN'S? TRUE, WE ARE ALMOST RUNNING OUT OF TIME.

TRUE, WE ARE ALMOST RUNNING OUT OF TIME. SO IN CLOSING, RALPH, WHAT NEXT?

OUT OF TIME. SO IN CLOSING, RALPH, WHAT NEXT? WHERE DO WE GO FROM HERE?

SO IN CLOSING, RALPH, WHAT NEXT? WHERE DO WE GO FROM HERE? WELL...

WHERE DO WE GO FROM HERE? WELL... SURE, YOU CAN TALK ABOUT

WELL... SURE, YOU CAN TALK ABOUT THESE ISSUES, BUT WHEN ARE WE

SURE, YOU CAN TALK ABOUT THESE ISSUES, BUT WHEN ARE WE GOING TO GET DOWN TO THE BRASS

THESE ISSUES, BUT WHEN ARE WE GOING TO GET DOWN TO THE BRASS TACKS AND DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT?

GOING TO GET DOWN TO THE BRASS TACKS AND DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT? WELL, THAT'S ABOUT IT FOR

TACKS AND DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT? WELL, THAT'S ABOUT IT FOR TONIGHT.

WELL, THAT'S ABOUT IT FOR TONIGHT. OH, NO. WAIT.

TONIGHT. OH, NO. WAIT. WE HAVE TIME FOR ONE MORE

OH, NO. WAIT. WE HAVE TIME FOR ONE MORE QUESTION.

WE HAVE TIME FOR ONE MORE QUESTION. MS. NORWALK.

QUESTION. MS. NORWALK. MR. NADER, IF YOU COULD BE

MS. NORWALK. MR. NADER, IF YOU COULD BE ANY KIND OF ANIMAL YOU WANTED TO

MR. NADER, IF YOU COULD BE ANY KIND OF ANIMAL YOU WANTED TO BE, WHAT WOULD YOU BE?

ANY KIND OF ANIMAL YOU WANTED TO BE, WHAT WOULD YOU BE? [LAUGHS]

BE, WHAT WOULD YOU BE? [LAUGHS] A PORPOISE?

[LAUGHS] A PORPOISE? WE'RE ALL OUT OF TIME.

A PORPOISE? WE'RE ALL OUT OF TIME. GOOD NIGHT.

WE'RE ALL OUT OF TIME. GOOD NIGHT. THAT WAS VERY NICE.

SANDWICHES AGAIN TONIGHT? YOU KNOW I CAN'T STRETCH THE FOOD BUDGET ANY FURTHER.

YOU KNOW I CAN'T STRETCH THE FOOD BUDGET ANY FURTHER. WHY DON'T YOU GET A BETTER JOB?

FOOD BUDGET ANY FURTHER. WHY DON'T YOU GET A BETTER JOB? ARE YOU STUCK IN A

WHY DON'T YOU GET A BETTER JOB? ARE YOU STUCK IN A GO-NOWHERE, DO-NOTHING JOB?

ARE YOU STUCK IN A GO-NOWHERE, DO-NOTHING JOB? IF SO, THIS IS YOUR CHANCE TO

GO-NOWHERE, DO-NOTHING JOB? IF SO, THIS IS YOUR CHANCE TO START AN EXCITING CAREER IN THE

IF SO, THIS IS YOUR CHANCE TO START AN EXCITING CAREER IN THE WORLD OF INTERNATIONAL DIPLOMACY

START AN EXCITING CAREER IN THE WORLD OF INTERNATIONAL DIPLOMACY AS AN AMBASSADOR TO A FOREIGN

WORLD OF INTERNATIONAL DIPLOMACY AS AN AMBASSADOR TO A FOREIGN COUNTRY BY ENROLLING NOW AT THE

AS AN AMBASSADOR TO A FOREIGN COUNTRY BY ENROLLING NOW AT THE AMBASSADOR TRAINING INSTITUTE.

COUNTRY BY ENROLLING NOW AT THE AMBASSADOR TRAINING INSTITUTE. AMBASSADORS LIVE IN LUXURY AND

AMBASSADOR TRAINING INSTITUTE. AMBASSADORS LIVE IN LUXURY AND GET TO MINGLE WITH GLAMOROUS

AMBASSADORS LIVE IN LUXURY AND GET TO MINGLE WITH GLAMOROUS CELEBRITIES, ROYALTY, AND THE

GET TO MINGLE WITH GLAMOROUS CELEBRITIES, ROYALTY, AND THE SOCIAL ELITE.

CELEBRITIES, ROYALTY, AND THE SOCIAL ELITE. AND THEY DON'T HAVE TO PICK UP

SOCIAL ELITE. AND THEY DON'T HAVE TO PICK UP AFTER THEMSELVES.

AND THEY DON'T HAVE TO PICK UP AFTER THEMSELVES. AMBASSADORS HAVE A LOT OF

AFTER THEMSELVES. AMBASSADORS HAVE A LOT OF PRESTIGE AND INFLUENCE.

AMBASSADORS HAVE A LOT OF PRESTIGE AND INFLUENCE. THEY PUT IN LONG HOURS WITHOUT

PRESTIGE AND INFLUENCE. THEY PUT IN LONG HOURS WITHOUT WORKING HARD.

THEY PUT IN LONG HOURS WITHOUT WORKING HARD. AND THEY'RE OFTEN THE CENTER OF

WORKING HARD. AND THEY'RE OFTEN THE CENTER OF ATTENTION.

AND THEY'RE OFTEN THE CENTER OF ATTENTION. AND THE FOOD... FANTASTIC!

ATTENTION. AND THE FOOD... FANTASTIC! AMBASSADORS DINE ON THE FINEST

AND THE FOOD... FANTASTIC! AMBASSADORS DINE ON THE FINEST GOURMET FOOD AT BIG, FANCY

AMBASSADORS DINE ON THE FINEST GOURMET FOOD AT BIG, FANCY DINNER PARTIES IN PALACES AND

GOURMET FOOD AT BIG, FANCY DINNER PARTIES IN PALACES AND EMBASSIES AND TRADE CENTERS.

DINNER PARTIES IN PALACES AND EMBASSIES AND TRADE CENTERS. TO SEE IF YOU QUALIFY FOR A

EMBASSIES AND TRADE CENTERS. TO SEE IF YOU QUALIFY FOR A CAREER IN DIPLOMACY, TAKE THIS

TO SEE IF YOU QUALIFY FOR A CAREER IN DIPLOMACY, TAKE THIS EASY TEST RIGHT NOW IN THE

CAREER IN DIPLOMACY, TAKE THIS EASY TEST RIGHT NOW IN THE PRIVACY OF YOUR OWN HOME.

EASY TEST RIGHT NOW IN THE PRIVACY OF YOUR OWN HOME. LISTEN CLOSELY.

PRIVACY OF YOUR OWN HOME. LISTEN CLOSELY. YOU ARE HAVING DINNER WITH SOME

LISTEN CLOSELY. YOU ARE HAVING DINNER WITH SOME FOREIGN DIGNITARIES, AND SOMEONE

YOU ARE HAVING DINNER WITH SOME FOREIGN DIGNITARIES, AND SOMEONE SAYS SOMETHING ANTI-AMERICAN.

FOREIGN DIGNITARIES, AND SOMEONE SAYS SOMETHING ANTI-AMERICAN. YOU...

YOU'D BE SURPRISED HOW MANY PEOPLE SAY "A." BUT IF YOU SAID "B," THEN YOU

PEOPLE SAY "A." BUT IF YOU SAID "B," THEN YOU HAVE THE ABILITY TO MAKE QUICK

BUT IF YOU SAID "B," THEN YOU HAVE THE ABILITY TO MAKE QUICK DECISIONS ON YOUR FEET.

HAVE THE ABILITY TO MAKE QUICK DECISIONS ON YOUR FEET. WHEN YOU ENROLL AT

DECISIONS ON YOUR FEET. WHEN YOU ENROLL AT AMBASSADOR TRAINING INSTITUTE,

WHEN YOU ENROLL AT AMBASSADOR TRAINING INSTITUTE, YOU'LL LEARN HOW TO ACCEPT GIFTS

AMBASSADOR TRAINING INSTITUTE, YOU'LL LEARN HOW TO ACCEPT GIFTS GRACIOUSLY, HOW TO PROPOSE

YOU'LL LEARN HOW TO ACCEPT GIFTS GRACIOUSLY, HOW TO PROPOSE TOASTS, YOU'LL USE PHRASES LIKE

GRACIOUSLY, HOW TO PROPOSE TOASTS, YOU'LL USE PHRASES LIKE "DELIGHTED TO SEE YOU AGAIN,"

TOASTS, YOU'LL USE PHRASES LIKE "DELIGHTED TO SEE YOU AGAIN," "I'LL ASK THE SECRETARY OF

"DELIGHTED TO SEE YOU AGAIN," "I'LL ASK THE SECRETARY OF STATE," AND "PASS THE SWEET AND

"I'LL ASK THE SECRETARY OF STATE," AND "PASS THE SWEET AND SOUR SHRIMP."

STATE," AND "PASS THE SWEET AND SOUR SHRIMP." NOW HERE'S HOW TO GET YOUR FREE

SOUR SHRIMP." NOW HERE'S HOW TO GET YOUR FREE BOOKLET.

NOW HERE'S HOW TO GET YOUR FREE BOOKLET. JUST SEND $300,000 AND THE NAME

BOOKLET. JUST SEND $300,000 AND THE NAME OF THE COUNTRY TO WHICH YOU'D

JUST SEND $300,000 AND THE NAME OF THE COUNTRY TO WHICH YOU'D LIKE TO BE AMBASSADOR TO...

[SLOW MUSIC PLAYS] WELL, IT'S BEEN A FUN EVENING.

WELL, IT'S BEEN A FUN EVENING. NOT AN EASY EVENING.

EVENING. NOT AN EASY EVENING. BITING HUMOR.

NOT AN EASY EVENING. BITING HUMOR. [LAUGHS]

BITING HUMOR. [LAUGHS] TAKE THAT, TOM SNYDER.

[LAUGHS] TAKE THAT, TOM SNYDER. AND THANK YOU ALL VERY MUCH.

TAKE THAT, TOM SNYDER. AND THANK YOU ALL VERY MUCH. GOOD SPORT.

AND THANK YOU ALL VERY MUCH. GOOD SPORT. THANK YOU FOR THE CAST.

GOOD SPORT. THANK YOU FOR THE CAST. GOOD NIGHT, JOHN!

THANK YOU FOR THE CAST. GOOD NIGHT, JOHN! JOHN BELUSHI, GET WELL.

GOOD NIGHT, JOHN! JOHN BELUSHI, GET WELL. DON'T DEFY THE LAWS OF GRAVITY.

JOHN BELUSHI, GET WELL. DON'T DEFY THE LAWS OF GRAVITY. BREAK A LEG, JOHN.

DON'T DEFY THE LAWS OF GRAVITY. BREAK A LEG, JOHN. HAVE SOME PEANUTS.

BREAK A LEG, JOHN. HAVE SOME PEANUTS. GOOD NIGHT, EVERYBODY!

HAVE SOME PEANUTS. GOOD NIGHT, EVERYBODY! PEANUTS!

GOOD NIGHT, EVERYBODY! PEANUTS! [APPLAUSE]

PEANUTS! [APPLAUSE] [BAND PLAYS]

Announcer: JOINING TONIGHT'S

CAST WAS BILL MURRAY.

NEXT SATURDAY NIGHT, OUR HOST

WILL BE RUTH GORDON, WITH

MUSICAL GUEST CHUCK BERRY.

THIS IS YOUR OLD CONSUMER

DON PARDO.

I DON'T CARE WHAT RALPH NADER

SAYS.

ON THE WAY HOME, I'M GONNA

CONSUME A HOT DOG.

I LOVE RODENT HAIR!