Original subtitles

WHAT ELSE CAN I SAY, BOYS? AS YOUR MANAGER, I WANTED TO WIN THIS WORLD SERIES AS MUCH AS

AS YOUR MANAGER, I WANTED TO WIN THIS WORLD SERIES AS MUCH AS ANYBODY.

THIS WORLD SERIES AS MUCH AS ANYBODY. NEW YORK DESERVES A WINNER.

ANYBODY. NEW YORK DESERVES A WINNER. LOSING FOUR STRAIGHT GAMES WAS

NEW YORK DESERVES A WINNER. LOSING FOUR STRAIGHT GAMES WAS ROUGH.

LOSING FOUR STRAIGHT GAMES WAS ROUGH. BEING EJECTED FROM THE LAST GAME

ROUGH. BEING EJECTED FROM THE LAST GAME MADE THINGS EVEN WORSE FOR ME.

BEING EJECTED FROM THE LAST GAME MADE THINGS EVEN WORSE FOR ME. LOOK, THERE'S NOTHING SHAMEFUL

MADE THINGS EVEN WORSE FOR ME. LOOK, THERE'S NOTHING SHAMEFUL ABOUT YOUR SHOWING IN THE

LOOK, THERE'S NOTHING SHAMEFUL ABOUT YOUR SHOWING IN THE SERIES.

ABOUT YOUR SHOWING IN THE SERIES. I MEAN, DON'T BLAME YOURSELVES.

SERIES. I MEAN, DON'T BLAME YOURSELVES. IF ANYTHING, BLAME ME.

I MEAN, DON'T BLAME YOURSELVES. IF ANYTHING, BLAME ME. I MADE THE SAME MISTAKES.

IF ANYTHING, BLAME ME. I MADE THE SAME MISTAKES. MAYBE I SHOULD HAVE USED CATFISH

I MADE THE SAME MISTAKES. MAYBE I SHOULD HAVE USED CATFISH IN THE FOURTH GAME.

MAYBE I SHOULD HAVE USED CATFISH IN THE FOURTH GAME. I'M SORRY YOU WERE EMBARRASSED

IN THE FOURTH GAME. I'M SORRY YOU WERE EMBARRASSED ON NATIONAL TELEVISION IN FRONT

I'M SORRY YOU WERE EMBARRASSED ON NATIONAL TELEVISION IN FRONT OF MILLIONS OF PEOPLE, AND I'M

ON NATIONAL TELEVISION IN FRONT OF MILLIONS OF PEOPLE, AND I'M SORRY THAT EACH ONE OF YOU LOST

OF MILLIONS OF PEOPLE, AND I'M SORRY THAT EACH ONE OF YOU LOST THE BONUSES AND THE WORLD SERIES

SORRY THAT EACH ONE OF YOU LOST THE BONUSES AND THE WORLD SERIES MONEY, NOT TO MENTION THE UNTOLD

THE BONUSES AND THE WORLD SERIES MONEY, NOT TO MENTION THE UNTOLD OTHER MONEYS YOU COULD HAVE

MONEY, NOT TO MENTION THE UNTOLD OTHER MONEYS YOU COULD HAVE GOTTEN IN COMMERCIAL

OTHER MONEYS YOU COULD HAVE GOTTEN IN COMMERCIAL ENDORSEMENTS.

GOTTEN IN COMMERCIAL ENDORSEMENTS. I'M SORRY. I LET YOU DOWN.

ENDORSEMENTS. I'M SORRY. I LET YOU DOWN. IT WON'T HAPPEN AGAIN.

I'M SORRY. I LET YOU DOWN. IT WON'T HAPPEN AGAIN. [PLAYERS MUMBLING]

IT WON'T HAPPEN AGAIN. [PLAYERS MUMBLING] YOU BET IT WON'T, COACH.

[PLAYERS MUMBLING] YOU BET IT WON'T, COACH. LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S

YOU BET IT WON'T, COACH. LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S "SATURDAY NIGHT"!

LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S "SATURDAY NIGHT"! [BAND PLAYS]

Announcer: NBC's

"SATURDAY NIGHT."

STARRING...

WITH HIS GUESTS...

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, STEVE MARTIN! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

THANK YOU VERY MUCH. THANK YOU. THIS IS TOO MUCH. THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU.

THANK YOU. THIS IS TOO MUCH. THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU. OKAY.

THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU. OKAY. [CLEARS THROAT]

OKAY. [CLEARS THROAT] WELL, I DIDN'T EXPECT THIS.

[CLEARS THROAT] WELL, I DIDN'T EXPECT THIS. [LAUGHTER]

WELL, I DIDN'T EXPECT THIS. [LAUGHTER] THANK YOU VERY MUCH. OKAY.

[LAUGHTER] THANK YOU VERY MUCH. OKAY. WE'RE HAVING SOME FUN NOW, EH,

THANK YOU VERY MUCH. OKAY. WE'RE HAVING SOME FUN NOW, EH, FOLKS?

WE'RE HAVING SOME FUN NOW, EH, FOLKS? OKAY, IT'S GREAT TO BE HERE IN

FOLKS? OKAY, IT'S GREAT TO BE HERE IN NEW YORK.

OKAY, IT'S GREAT TO BE HERE IN NEW YORK. I KNOW THAT SOUNDS PHONY 'CAUSE

NEW YORK. I KNOW THAT SOUNDS PHONY 'CAUSE EVERY ENTERTAINER IN THE WORLD

I KNOW THAT SOUNDS PHONY 'CAUSE EVERY ENTERTAINER IN THE WORLD COMES OUT, NO MATTER WHERE THEY

EVERY ENTERTAINER IN THE WORLD COMES OUT, NO MATTER WHERE THEY ARE, AND THEY ALWAYS GO "HEY,

COMES OUT, NO MATTER WHERE THEY ARE, AND THEY ALWAYS GO "HEY, IT'S REALLY GREAT TO BE HERE!"

ARE, AND THEY ALWAYS GO "HEY, IT'S REALLY GREAT TO BE HERE!" AND IT REALLY SOUNDS FAKE.

IT'S REALLY GREAT TO BE HERE!" AND IT REALLY SOUNDS FAKE. BUT, BELIEVE ME, I AM SINCERE

AND IT REALLY SOUNDS FAKE. BUT, BELIEVE ME, I AM SINCERE WHEN I SAY, "HEY, IT'S REALLY

BUT, BELIEVE ME, I AM SINCERE WHEN I SAY, "HEY, IT'S REALLY GREAT TO BE HERE!"

WHEN I SAY, "HEY, IT'S REALLY GREAT TO BE HERE!" OKAY.

GREAT TO BE HERE!" OKAY. NO, SERIOUSLY, IT IS GREAT TO BE

OKAY. NO, SERIOUSLY, IT IS GREAT TO BE HERE, AND, UM, WELL, ACTUALLY,

NO, SERIOUSLY, IT IS GREAT TO BE HERE, AND, UM, WELL, ACTUALLY, IT'S GREAT TO BE... HERE.

HERE, AND, UM, WELL, ACTUALLY, IT'S GREAT TO BE... HERE. OKAY, SO...

IT'S GREAT TO BE... HERE. OKAY, SO... NO. IT'S GREAT TO BE HERE!

OKAY, SO... NO. IT'S GREAT TO BE HERE! THIS IS WHERE IT'S GREAT TO BE.

NO. IT'S GREAT TO BE HERE! THIS IS WHERE IT'S GREAT TO BE. NO! IT'S GREAT TO BE HERE, TOO!

THIS IS WHERE IT'S GREAT TO BE. NO! IT'S GREAT TO BE HERE, TOO! BOY, I'LL NEVER FORGET HOW

NO! IT'S GREAT TO BE HERE, TOO! BOY, I'LL NEVER FORGET HOW GREAT IT WAS TO BE OVER THERE.

BOY, I'LL NEVER FORGET HOW GREAT IT WAS TO BE OVER THERE. OKAY, WE'RE MOVING NOW.

GREAT IT WAS TO BE OVER THERE. OKAY, WE'RE MOVING NOW. EXCUSE ME.

OKAY, WE'RE MOVING NOW. EXCUSE ME. ALL RIGHT.

EXCUSE ME. ALL RIGHT. [LAUGHTER]

ALL RIGHT. [LAUGHTER] ARE WE ON? WE ARE.

[LAUGHTER] ARE WE ON? WE ARE. OKAY, OKAY, OKAY, OKAY.

ARE WE ON? WE ARE. OKAY, OKAY, OKAY, OKAY. TO OPEN THE SHOW, I ALWAYS LIKE

OKAY, OKAY, OKAY, OKAY. TO OPEN THE SHOW, I ALWAYS LIKE TO DO ONE THING THAT IS

TO OPEN THE SHOW, I ALWAYS LIKE TO DO ONE THING THAT IS IMPOSSIBLE.

TO DO ONE THING THAT IS IMPOSSIBLE. SO RIGHT NOW I'M GOING TO SUCK

IMPOSSIBLE. SO RIGHT NOW I'M GOING TO SUCK THIS STOOL INTO MY LUNGS.

SO RIGHT NOW I'M GOING TO SUCK THIS STOOL INTO MY LUNGS. OH, DARN.

THIS STOOL INTO MY LUNGS. OH, DARN. OKAY.

OH, DARN. OKAY. WELL, HERE'S SOMETHING YOU DON'T

OKAY. WELL, HERE'S SOMETHING YOU DON'T OFTEN SEE.

WELL, HERE'S SOMETHING YOU DON'T OFTEN SEE. UHH! UHH!

OFTEN SEE. UHH! UHH! OKAY.

UHH! UHH! OKAY. UM, YOU KNOW, A LOT OF PEOPLE

OKAY. UM, YOU KNOW, A LOT OF PEOPLE COME TO ME.

UM, YOU KNOW, A LOT OF PEOPLE COME TO ME. THEY SAY, "STEVE, HOW CAN YOU BE

COME TO ME. THEY SAY, "STEVE, HOW CAN YOU BE SO DAMN FUNNY?"

THEY SAY, "STEVE, HOW CAN YOU BE SO DAMN FUNNY?" WELL, UH, I'M KIND OF GETTING

SO DAMN FUNNY?" WELL, UH, I'M KIND OF GETTING OUT OF THE COMEDY THING NOW...

WELL, UH, I'M KIND OF GETTING OUT OF THE COMEDY THING NOW... GETTING MORE INTO THE MUSIC...

OUT OF THE COMEDY THING NOW... GETTING MORE INTO THE MUSIC... SO I'D LIKE TO DO A BANJO

GETTING MORE INTO THE MUSIC... SO I'D LIKE TO DO A BANJO TUNE FOR YOU RIGHT NOW.

SO I'D LIKE TO DO A BANJO TUNE FOR YOU RIGHT NOW. HERE WE GO.

TUNE FOR YOU RIGHT NOW. HERE WE GO. [APPLAUSE]

HERE WE GO. [APPLAUSE] THANK YOU VERY MUCH. THANK YOU.

[APPLAUSE] THANK YOU VERY MUCH. THANK YOU. I DON'T DESERVE IT.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH. THANK YOU. I DON'T DESERVE IT. ALL RIGHT.

I DON'T DESERVE IT. ALL RIGHT. WAS IT FREE TO GET IN?

ALL RIGHT. WAS IT FREE TO GET IN? YES!

WAS IT FREE TO GET IN? YES! IT'S FREE? OKAY.

YES! IT'S FREE? OKAY. GET YOUR MONEY'S WORTH ON THIS.

IT'S FREE? OKAY. GET YOUR MONEY'S WORTH ON THIS. [LAUGHTER]

GET YOUR MONEY'S WORTH ON THIS. [LAUGHTER] OKAY, IT DOESN'T MATTER IF IT'S

[LAUGHTER] OKAY, IT DOESN'T MATTER IF IT'S FREE TO GET IN, WHATEVER.

OKAY, IT DOESN'T MATTER IF IT'S FREE TO GET IN, WHATEVER. WE'RE ON NETWORK, BIG SHOW.

FREE TO GET IN, WHATEVER. WE'RE ON NETWORK, BIG SHOW. YOU'RE EXPECTING TO SEE A

WE'RE ON NETWORK, BIG SHOW. YOU'RE EXPECTING TO SEE A PROFESSIONAL SHOW, SO LET'S NOT

YOU'RE EXPECTING TO SEE A PROFESSIONAL SHOW, SO LET'S NOT WASTE ANY MORE TIME.

PROFESSIONAL SHOW, SO LET'S NOT WASTE ANY MORE TIME. HERE WE GO WITH... PROFESSIONAL

WASTE ANY MORE TIME. HERE WE GO WITH... PROFESSIONAL SHOW BUSINESS!

HERE WE GO WITH... PROFESSIONAL SHOW BUSINESS! LET'S GO! HEY!

SHOW BUSINESS! LET'S GO! HEY! THAT AIN'T BAD. ALL RIGHT.

LET'S GO! HEY! THAT AIN'T BAD. ALL RIGHT. HERE WE GO.

THAT AIN'T BAD. ALL RIGHT. HERE WE GO. [PLAYS RHYTHMIC RIFF]

HERE WE GO. [PLAYS RHYTHMIC RIFF] HEY, THIS GUY'S GOOD.

[PLAYS RHYTHMIC RIFF] HEY, THIS GUY'S GOOD. [LAUGHTER]

HEY, THIS GUY'S GOOD. [LAUGHTER] ♪ WELL, I'M RAMBLIN' ♪

[LAUGHTER] ♪ WELL, I'M RAMBLIN' ♪ ♪ RAMBLIN' 'ROUND ♪

♪ WELL, I'M RAMBLIN' ♪ ♪ RAMBLIN' 'ROUND ♪ ♪ I'M A RAMBLIN' GUY ♪

♪ RAMBLIN' 'ROUND ♪ ♪ I'M A RAMBLIN' GUY ♪ ♪ I'M RAMBLIN' ♪

♪ I'M A RAMBLIN' GUY ♪ ♪ I'M RAMBLIN' ♪ ♪ OH, YES, OH, YES ♪

♪ I'M RAMBLIN' ♪ ♪ OH, YES, OH, YES ♪ [WHISTLES]

♪ OH, YES, OH, YES ♪ [WHISTLES] FREE TO GET IN.

[WHISTLES] FREE TO GET IN. ♪ I'M A RAMBLIN' GUY ♪

FREE TO GET IN. ♪ I'M A RAMBLIN' GUY ♪ ♪ R-A-M-B-L-I-N ♪

♪ I'M A RAMBLIN' GUY ♪ ♪ R-A-M-B-L-I-N ♪ ♪ APOSTROPHE ♪

♪ R-A-M-B-L-I-N ♪ ♪ APOSTROPHE ♪ ♪ OH, YES, I'M RAMBLIN' ♪

♪ APOSTROPHE ♪ ♪ OH, YES, I'M RAMBLIN' ♪ ♪ RAMBLIN' TO NEW YORK CITY ♪

♪ OH, YES, I'M RAMBLIN' ♪ ♪ RAMBLIN' TO NEW YORK CITY ♪ ♪ N-Y-C ♪

♪ RAMBLIN' TO NEW YORK CITY ♪ ♪ N-Y-C ♪ ♪ RENT A CAR, GET A HOTEL ♪

♪ N-Y-C ♪ ♪ RENT A CAR, GET A HOTEL ♪ ♪ FOR ONLY $200 A DAY ♪

♪ RENT A CAR, GET A HOTEL ♪ ♪ FOR ONLY $200 A DAY ♪ ♪ OH, YES ♪

♪ FOR ONLY $200 A DAY ♪ ♪ OH, YES ♪ OKAY! EVERYBODY!

♪ OH, YES ♪ OKAY! EVERYBODY! ♪ I'M A RAM... ♪

OKAY! EVERYBODY! ♪ I'M A RAM... ♪ COME ON! SING WITH ME!

♪ I'M A RAM... ♪ COME ON! SING WITH ME! COME ON! HAVE SOME FUN, COME ON!

COME ON! SING WITH ME! COME ON! HAVE SOME FUN, COME ON! ♪ RAMBLIN' ♪

COME ON! HAVE SOME FUN, COME ON! ♪ RAMBLIN' ♪ [WHISTLES]

♪ RAMBLIN' ♪ [WHISTLES] ARE YOU PEOPLE UPTIGHT OR

[WHISTLES] ARE YOU PEOPLE UPTIGHT OR SOMETHING?

ARE YOU PEOPLE UPTIGHT OR SOMETHING? YOU CAN'T SING... OH, I FORGOT.

SOMETHING? YOU CAN'T SING... OH, I FORGOT. NEW YORK.

YOU CAN'T SING... OH, I FORGOT. NEW YORK. [LAUGHTER]

NEW YORK. [LAUGHTER] [APPLAUSE]

[LAUGHTER] [APPLAUSE] OKAY.

[APPLAUSE] OKAY. ALL RIGHT, LADIES ONLY!

OKAY. ALL RIGHT, LADIES ONLY! "OH, LOOK! A RAMBLIN' GUY!"

ALL RIGHT, LADIES ONLY! "OH, LOOK! A RAMBLIN' GUY!" COME ON!

"OH, LOOK! A RAMBLIN' GUY!" COME ON! OKAY, THIS HALF OF THE ROOM!

COME ON! OKAY, THIS HALF OF THE ROOM! BEAUTIFUL!

OKAY, THIS HALF OF THE ROOM! BEAUTIFUL! NOW THIS HALF! GOOD, GOOD!

BEAUTIFUL! NOW THIS HALF! GOOD, GOOD! ALL RIGHT, TWO-FIFTHS!

NOW THIS HALF! GOOD, GOOD! ALL RIGHT, TWO-FIFTHS! NOW THREE-FIFTHS! GOOD.

ALL RIGHT, TWO-FIFTHS! NOW THREE-FIFTHS! GOOD. SEVEN-NINTHS. TWO-NINTHS.

NOW THREE-FIFTHS! GOOD. SEVEN-NINTHS. TWO-NINTHS. ALL RIGHT. IN CHINESE NOW.

SEVEN-NINTHS. TWO-NINTHS. ALL RIGHT. IN CHINESE NOW. [IMITATING CHINESE]

ALL RIGHT. IN CHINESE NOW. [IMITATING CHINESE] ♪ WELL, I'M RAMBLIN', RAMBLIN',

[IMITATING CHINESE] ♪ WELL, I'M RAMBLIN', RAMBLIN', RAMBLIN', RAMBLIN', RAMBLIN',

♪ WELL, I'M RAMBLIN', RAMBLIN', RAMBLIN', RAMBLIN', RAMBLIN', RAMBLIN', RAMBLIN', RAMBLIN' ♪

RAMBLIN', RAMBLIN', RAMBLIN', RAMBLIN', RAMBLIN', RAMBLIN' ♪ ♪ RA-A-A-M ♪

RAMBLIN', RAMBLIN', RAMBLIN' ♪ ♪ RA-A-A-M ♪ ♪ BLI-I-I-N ♪

♪ RA-A-A-M ♪ ♪ BLI-I-I-N ♪ [UP-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYS]

I LIKE TO KEEP THE LAUGHS ROLLING EVEN WHILE I'M PLAYING.

[FINALE PLAYS] HEY! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

HEY! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU. ♪ OH, I'M A NEAT GUY ♪

THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU. ♪ OH, I'M A NEAT GUY ♪ EXCUSE ME, EXCUSE ME.

♪ OH, I'M A NEAT GUY ♪ EXCUSE ME, EXCUSE ME. ALL RIGHT.

EXCUSE ME, EXCUSE ME. ALL RIGHT. UM, YOU KNOW, UH, THE BANJO'S

ALL RIGHT. UM, YOU KNOW, UH, THE BANJO'S SUCH A HAPPY INSTRUMENT.

UM, YOU KNOW, UH, THE BANJO'S SUCH A HAPPY INSTRUMENT. IT REALLY IS.

SUCH A HAPPY INSTRUMENT. IT REALLY IS. IT'S A GOOD THING FOR A

IT REALLY IS. IT'S A GOOD THING FOR A COMEDIAN, LIKE ME, AND IT'S JUST

IT'S A GOOD THING FOR A COMEDIAN, LIKE ME, AND IT'S JUST A HAPPY THING, YOU KNOW?

COMEDIAN, LIKE ME, AND IT'S JUST A HAPPY THING, YOU KNOW? [UP-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYS]

A HAPPY THING, YOU KNOW? [UP-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYS] ISN'T THAT HAPPY?

[UP-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYS] ISN'T THAT HAPPY? YOU JUST CAN'T SING A DEPRESSING

ISN'T THAT HAPPY? YOU JUST CAN'T SING A DEPRESSING SONG WHEN YOU'RE PLAYING THE

YOU JUST CAN'T SING A DEPRESSING SONG WHEN YOU'RE PLAYING THE BANJO.

SONG WHEN YOU'RE PLAYING THE BANJO. YOU CAN'T GO...

BANJO. YOU CAN'T GO... ♪ OH, MURDER AND DEATH AND GRIEF

YOU CAN'T GO... ♪ OH, MURDER AND DEATH AND GRIEF AND SORROW ♪

♪ OH, MURDER AND DEATH AND GRIEF AND SORROW ♪ REALLY, WHEN YOU'RE WITH ME,

AND SORROW ♪ REALLY, WHEN YOU'RE WITH ME, IT'S LIKE BEING AT SHAKEY'S

REALLY, WHEN YOU'RE WITH ME, IT'S LIKE BEING AT SHAKEY'S PIZZA.

IT'S LIKE BEING AT SHAKEY'S PIZZA. IT'S JUST...

PIZZA. IT'S JUST... [PLAYS "AIN'T SHE SWEET?"]

HEY! ♪ WAY DOWN UPON THE SWANEE RIVER ♪

♪ WAY DOWN UPON THE SWANEE RIVER ♪ OKAY, I WANT DO THIS LAST BANJO

SWANEE RIVER ♪ OKAY, I WANT DO THIS LAST BANJO TUNE, AND WE'LL MOVE ON WITH THE

OKAY, I WANT DO THIS LAST BANJO TUNE, AND WE'LL MOVE ON WITH THE SHOW.

TUNE, AND WE'LL MOVE ON WITH THE SHOW. COULD I GET, LIKE, A TIGHT SHOT,

SHOW. COULD I GET, LIKE, A TIGHT SHOT, MAYBE ON THE FINGERS, ON THIS,

COULD I GET, LIKE, A TIGHT SHOT, MAYBE ON THE FINGERS, ON THIS, OKAY?

MAYBE ON THE FINGERS, ON THIS, OKAY? DAVE?

OKAY? DAVE? DAVE WILSON, THE DIRECTOR.

DAVE? DAVE WILSON, THE DIRECTOR. I'D LIKE TO START OFF WITH A

DAVE WILSON, THE DIRECTOR. I'D LIKE TO START OFF WITH A TIGHT SHOT, OKAY?

I'D LIKE TO START OFF WITH A TIGHT SHOT, OKAY? I DID THIS THING IN DRESS.

TIGHT SHOT, OKAY? I DID THIS THING IN DRESS. I THOUGHT WE HAD IT WORKED OUT.

I DID THIS THING IN DRESS. I THOUGHT WE HAD IT WORKED OUT. I'M SORRY.

I THOUGHT WE HAD IT WORKED OUT. I'M SORRY. [CLEARS THROAT]

I'M SORRY. [CLEARS THROAT] OKAY, I'LL DO SOMETHING ELSE,

[CLEARS THROAT] OKAY, I'LL DO SOMETHING ELSE, THEN.

OKAY, I'LL DO SOMETHING ELSE, THEN. I CAN GO WITH IT. ALL RIGHT.

THEN. I CAN GO WITH IT. ALL RIGHT. YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

I CAN GO WITH IT. ALL RIGHT. YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING? IT'S JUST, YOU KNOW, YOU ASK FOR

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING? IT'S JUST, YOU KNOW, YOU ASK FOR SOMETHING, YOU THINK YOU'RE

IT'S JUST, YOU KNOW, YOU ASK FOR SOMETHING, YOU THINK YOU'RE GONNA GET IT... THROWS YOU OFF,

SOMETHING, YOU THINK YOU'RE GONNA GET IT... THROWS YOU OFF, WHEN YOU'RE A PERFORMER, A

GONNA GET IT... THROWS YOU OFF, WHEN YOU'RE A PERFORMER, A PROFESSIONAL LIKE I AM, AND...

WHEN YOU'RE A PERFORMER, A PROFESSIONAL LIKE I AM, AND... I'M SORRY IF I LOOK A LITTLE

PROFESSIONAL LIKE I AM, AND... I'M SORRY IF I LOOK A LITTLE ANGRY BUT, UH, I GUESS I AM,

I'M SORRY IF I LOOK A LITTLE ANGRY BUT, UH, I GUESS I AM, BECAUSE, YOU KNOW, IT HURTS YOU.

ANGRY BUT, UH, I GUESS I AM, BECAUSE, YOU KNOW, IT HURTS YOU. YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

BECAUSE, YOU KNOW, IT HURTS YOU. YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING? IT HURTS THE PEOPLE WHO ARE

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING? IT HURTS THE PEOPLE WHO ARE WATCHING THE SHOW WHEN ME, THE

IT HURTS THE PEOPLE WHO ARE WATCHING THE SHOW WHEN ME, THE ARTIST, COMES OUT HERE, AND I

WATCHING THE SHOW WHEN ME, THE ARTIST, COMES OUT HERE, AND I CAN'T GET A LITTLE COOPERATION.

ARTIST, COMES OUT HERE, AND I CAN'T GET A LITTLE COOPERATION. YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

CAN'T GET A LITTLE COOPERATION. YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? I CAN'T GET A LITTLE HELP FROM

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? I CAN'T GET A LITTLE HELP FROM THE BACKSTAGE CREW?

I CAN'T GET A LITTLE HELP FROM THE BACKSTAGE CREW? EXCU-U-U-SE ME!

THE BACKSTAGE CREW? EXCU-U-U-SE ME! [APPLAUSE]

EXCU-U-U-SE ME! [APPLAUSE] I'M SORRY! I'M ANGRY!

[APPLAUSE] I'M SORRY! I'M ANGRY! [UP-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYS]

I'M SORRY! I'M ANGRY! [UP-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYS] I'M SORRY.

[UP-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYS] I'M SORRY. WE'LL BE BACK AFTER THIS

I'M SORRY. WE'LL BE BACK AFTER THIS COMMERCIAL.

WE'LL BE BACK AFTER THIS COMMERCIAL. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

Announcer: ACTOR CHEVY CHASE

SPEAKS OUT FOR MILK.

YOU KNOW, MILK'S GOT JUST ABOUT EVERYTHING YOUR BODY NEEDS TO START THE DAY OFF RIGHT.

ABOUT EVERYTHING YOUR BODY NEEDS TO START THE DAY OFF RIGHT. WHY, ONE GLASS CONTAINS MORE

TO START THE DAY OFF RIGHT. WHY, ONE GLASS CONTAINS MORE VITAMIN A AND CALCIUM THAN A

WHY, ONE GLASS CONTAINS MORE VITAMIN A AND CALCIUM THAN A THICK SIRLOIN STEAK.

VITAMIN A AND CALCIUM THAN A THICK SIRLOIN STEAK. DELICIOUS WITH ALMOST ANYTHING.

THICK SIRLOIN STEAK. DELICIOUS WITH ALMOST ANYTHING. AND MILK LEAVES YOU WITH THAT

DELICIOUS WITH ALMOST ANYTHING. AND MILK LEAVES YOU WITH THAT AWFUL SOUR BREATH AND WHITE

AND MILK LEAVES YOU WITH THAT AWFUL SOUR BREATH AND WHITE STUFF IN THE CORNERS OF YOUR

AWFUL SOUR BREATH AND WHITE STUFF IN THE CORNERS OF YOUR MOUTH.

STUFF IN THE CORNERS OF YOUR MOUTH. CUT!

MOUTH. CUT! JUST TONE IT DOWN, PLEASE,

CUT! JUST TONE IT DOWN, PLEASE, CHEVY.

JUST TONE IT DOWN, PLEASE, CHEVY. COULD WE TRY IT AGAIN?

CHEVY. COULD WE TRY IT AGAIN? OKAY. I'M SORRY.

COULD WE TRY IT AGAIN? OKAY. I'M SORRY. TAKE 32.

Announcer: ACTOR CHEVY CHASE

SPEAKS OUT FOR MILK.

YOU KNOW, MY BODY'S JUST

ABOUT THE MOST IMPORTANT THING

TO ME, AND I CARE ABOUT WHAT I

PUT INTO IT.

THAT'S WHY I DRINK FRESH, WHOLE

MILK AT LEAST THREE TIMES A DAY.

IT GIVES ME QUICK ENERGY, HELPS

ME TO LOOK AND FEEL YOUNGER, AND

INCREASES THE SERUM CHOLESTEROL

IN MEN WHO DRINK TOO MUCH OF IT.

CUT!

TAKE 33.

Announcer: ACTOR CHEVY CHASE

SPEAKS OUT FOR MILK.

YOU KNOW, A LOT OF TIMES, I'M OUT FOR DINNER, MY DATE WILL ORDER A BEER OR A LIQUOR DRINK

OUT FOR DINNER, MY DATE WILL ORDER A BEER OR A LIQUOR DRINK OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT, OR HER

ORDER A BEER OR A LIQUOR DRINK OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT, OR HER DATE OR HER FRIEND'S DATE OR

OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT, OR HER DATE OR HER FRIEND'S DATE OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT, YOU KNOW,

DATE OR HER FRIEND'S DATE OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT, YOU KNOW, AND THEY'RE ORDERING.

SOMETHING LIKE THAT, YOU KNOW, AND THEY'RE ORDERING. THEN THE WAITER COMES TO ME.

AND THEY'RE ORDERING. THEN THE WAITER COMES TO ME. HE SAYS, "SO, WHAT'LL BE?"

THEN THE WAITER COMES TO ME. HE SAYS, "SO, WHAT'LL BE?" AND I JUST SORT OF SMILE AND POP

HE SAYS, "SO, WHAT'LL BE?" AND I JUST SORT OF SMILE AND POP RIGHT UP AND SAY, "MILK,

AND I JUST SORT OF SMILE AND POP RIGHT UP AND SAY, "MILK, PLEASE."

RIGHT UP AND SAY, "MILK, PLEASE." YOU KNOW WHY?

PLEASE." YOU KNOW WHY? BECAUSE I KNOW THAT A SINGLE

YOU KNOW WHY? BECAUSE I KNOW THAT A SINGLE GLASS OF DELICIOUS, ICE-COLD

BECAUSE I KNOW THAT A SINGLE GLASS OF DELICIOUS, ICE-COLD MILK IN THE SUMMER CAN GIVE YOU

GLASS OF DELICIOUS, ICE-COLD MILK IN THE SUMMER CAN GIVE YOU A QUICK HEART ATTACK IF YOU

MILK IN THE SUMMER CAN GIVE YOU A QUICK HEART ATTACK IF YOU DRINK IT TOO FAST.

A QUICK HEART ATTACK IF YOU DRINK IT TOO FAST. THAT'S RIGHT...

DRINK IT TOO FAST. THAT'S RIGHT... CUT!

THAT'S RIGHT... CUT! 34.

CUT! 34. MMM, MMM.

34. MMM, MMM. DELISH!

MMM, MMM. DELISH! I KNOW A FRIEND WHO GETS THESE

DELISH! I KNOW A FRIEND WHO GETS THESE FATTY DEPOSITS RIGHT UNDER HERE.

I KNOW A FRIEND WHO GETS THESE FATTY DEPOSITS RIGHT UNDER HERE. CUT IT!

FATTY DEPOSITS RIGHT UNDER HERE. CUT IT! 35.

CUT IT! 35. A LOT OF HEALTH-FOOD EXPERTS

35. A LOT OF HEALTH-FOOD EXPERTS THINK MILK IS MUCUS-FORMING.

A LOT OF HEALTH-FOOD EXPERTS THINK MILK IS MUCUS-FORMING. I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS,

THINK MILK IS MUCUS-FORMING. I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS, BUT I SUPPOSE IT'S TRUE.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS, BUT I SUPPOSE IT'S TRUE. I LOVE MILK MYSELF.

BUT I SUPPOSE IT'S TRUE. I LOVE MILK MYSELF. I'VE ALWAYS BEEN...

I LOVE MILK MYSELF. I'VE ALWAYS BEEN... Announcer: IT'S THE DELICIOUS

I'VE ALWAYS BEEN... Announcer: IT'S THE DELICIOUS NATURAL DRINK THAT'S NOT FILLING

Announcer: IT'S THE DELICIOUS NATURAL DRINK THAT'S NOT FILLING AND IS FATTENING.

Announcer: DON'T WALK AWAY

FROM YOUR TELESCREEN, BECAUSE

IT'S TIME FOR THE NEW

"JEOPARDY 1999!"

AND NOW HERE'S YOUR HOST,

ART F114.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

THANK YOU. THANK YOU VERY MUCH. THANK YOU, DON PARDO!

THANK YOU VERY MUCH. THANK YOU, DON PARDO! WELL, THERE'S SOME EXCITING AND

THANK YOU, DON PARDO! WELL, THERE'S SOME EXCITING AND VALUABLE PRIZES TO BE WON.

WELL, THERE'S SOME EXCITING AND VALUABLE PRIZES TO BE WON. DON, WILL YOU TELL THE FOLKS AT

VALUABLE PRIZES TO BE WON. DON, WILL YOU TELL THE FOLKS AT HOME WHO THE CONTESTANTS ARE?

Announcer: ART, OUR RETURNING

CHAMPION IS A SHREDDING-MACHINE

OPERATOR FROM THE MINISTRY OF

INFORMATION IN SECTOR 427.

WELCOME BACK, DANNY M125.

[APPLAUSE]

DANNY, YOU'VE WON OVER

$3 MILLION.

WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO WITH

THAT MONEY?

WELL, THEY'VE DISCOVERED THE

CURE FOR THE DISEASE MY MOTHER

WAS DYING FROM, AND I'M GOING TO

USE THE MONEY TO HAVE HER

DEFROSTED.

GREAT, HOW OLD WILL SHE BE?

37.

WELL, GOOD LUCK TO YOU.

WHO'S OUR NEXT CONTESTANT,

DON PARDO?

Announcer: SHE'S A SECURITY

MONITOR FOR THE OSAKI KELP

WORKS, A CHEERLEADER FOR THE

ROCKET TENNIS TEAM, AND SHE

ENJOYS SEX.

LET'S WELCOME LARAINE A270.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

A270, HUH?

THAT'S RIGHT.

THAT'S FUNNY, YOU DON'T LOOK

LIKE AN ALPHA.

[LAUGHS]

YOU KNOW, WE ALWAYS ENJOY HAVING

TEST-TUBE BABIES ON OUR SHOW.

TELL US, ARE YOU HAVING THOSE

HEADACHES WE HEAR SO MUCH ABOUT?

NO, BUT SOMETIMES I WORDS

SAY IN REVERSE.

HMM. WELL, GOOD LUCK TO YOU.

DON PARDO, OUR LAST CONTESTANT?

Announcer: ART, IT'S A

LOBOTOMIST FOR THE

MINISTRY OF LOVE IN SECTOR 753.

LET'S WELCOME LEE P413.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

DO YOU HAVE ANY HOBBIES, LEE?

I COLLECT ANTIQUE SEXUAL

DEVICES, ART.

WELL, MAYBE YOU AND LARAINE

CAN GET TOGETHER AFTER THE SHOW

FOR SOME SEX.

THAT'D BE GOOD.

YEAH, SOUNDS GREAT.

I'D ENJOY IT.

I'D LIKE TO JOIN YOU.

THAT WOULD BE NICE.

OKAY, AND NOW IT'S TIME TO

PLAY "JEOPARDY 1999!"

THE CATEGORIES ARE...

DANNY, YOU'RE THE CHAMPION, SO

YOU BEGIN.

U.S. HISTORY FOR $10,000.

OKAY.

[BUZZER]

YES, LARAINE?

WHO WAS GERALD FORD?

I'M SORRY. THAT'S WRONG.

REMEMBER, IT SAYS HERE, "IN

OFFICE."

[BUZZER]

LEE?

WHO WAS WALTER MONDALE?

THAT'S RIGHT.

GO AHEAD, LEE.

MOVIES FOR $10,000.

MOVIES FOR $10,000.

[BUZZER]

LARAINE?

WHAT IS 20th CENTURY FOX?

THAT'S RIGHT. GO AHEAD.

OKAY, MOVIES FOR $20,000.

MOVIES FOR 20,000.

[BUZZER]

DANNY?

WHO WAS FRED MILTONBERG?

THAT'S RIGHT, THAT'S RIGHT.

KEEP ON GOING.

MEDICINE FOR $10,000.

MEDICINE FOR $10,000.

[BUZZER]

DANNY?

WHAT IS BABY KILLING?

THAT'S RIGHT, DANNY.

OKAY, GO, DANNY.

MEDICINE FOR $20,000.

MEDICINE FOR $20,000.

[BUZZER]

LEE?

WHO IS FRAN TARKENTON?

THAT'S RIGHT.

BACK TO YOU, LEE.

I'LL GO TO NUCLEAR ACCIDENTS

FOR $10,000, PLEASE.

NUCLEAR ACCIDENTS, $10,000.

[BUZZER]

DANNY?

WHO ARE THE YOUNG

REPUBLICANS?

THAT'S RIGHT. GO, DANNY.

TV FOR $10,000.

TV FOR $10,000.

[BUZZER]

LEE?

WHAT IS

"BAA BAA BLACK SHEEP"?

THAT'S RIGHT.

LEE, WE'RE RUNNING OUT OF TIME.

OKAY, TV FOR $50,000, PLEASE.

TV FOR $50,000.

[BUZZER]

I'M SORRY, YOU TOOK TOO LONG.

THE CORRECT ANSWER IS, "WHO WAS

CHEVY CHASE?"

[DING!]

CHEVY CHASE.

AH, THERE'S THE BELL TELLING US

IT'S TIME FOR FINAL JEOPARDY.

NOW, THAT FINAL JEOPARDY CATEGORY IS "ASSASSINATIONS." NOW, REMEMBER, CONNEST...

CATEGORY IS "ASSASSINATIONS." NOW, REMEMBER, CONNEST... CONNECT... CONTESTANTS

NOW, REMEMBER, CONNEST... CONNECT... CONTESTANTS [BREATHING HEAVILY]

CONNECT... CONTESTANTS [BREATHING HEAVILY] YOU CAN WAGER ALL OR PART OF

[BREATHING HEAVILY] YOU CAN WAGER ALL OR PART OF YOUR EARNINGS.

YOU CAN WAGER ALL OR PART OF YOUR EARNINGS. LEE, YOU HAVE $10,000.

YOUR EARNINGS. LEE, YOU HAVE $10,000. LARAINE, YOU HAVE $20,000.

LEE, YOU HAVE $10,000. LARAINE, YOU HAVE $20,000. AND, DANNY, YOU HAVE $20,000.

LARAINE, YOU HAVE $20,000. AND, DANNY, YOU HAVE $20,000. CONTESTANTS, PLACE YOUR WAGER.

AND, DANNY, YOU HAVE $20,000. CONTESTANTS, PLACE YOUR WAGER. AND WHILE THEY DO, DON PARDO,

CONTESTANTS, PLACE YOUR WAGER. AND WHILE THEY DO, DON PARDO, TELL US WHAT THEY'LL WIN.

AND WHILE THEY DO, DON PARDO, TELL US WHAT THEY'LL WIN. Announcer: ART, ALL OUR

TELL US WHAT THEY'LL WIN. Announcer: ART, ALL OUR CONTESTANTS WILL RECEIVE THE

Announcer: ART, ALL OUR CONTESTANTS WILL RECEIVE THE BENJAMIN POCKET-SIZE ISOLATION

CONTESTANTS WILL RECEIVE THE BENJAMIN POCKET-SIZE ISOLATION TUBE.

BENJAMIN POCKET-SIZE ISOLATION TUBE. PRIVACY IS ONLY SECONDS AWAY

TUBE. PRIVACY IS ONLY SECONDS AWAY WITH BENJAMIN.

PRIVACY IS ONLY SECONDS AWAY WITH BENJAMIN. AND, FOR OUR MALE CONTESTANTS, A

WITH BENJAMIN. AND, FOR OUR MALE CONTESTANTS, A CASE OF BIG BROTHER AFTERSHAVE.

AND, FOR OUR MALE CONTESTANTS, A CASE OF BIG BROTHER AFTERSHAVE. WOMEN LOVE A MAN WHO SMELLS LIKE

CASE OF BIG BROTHER AFTERSHAVE. WOMEN LOVE A MAN WHO SMELLS LIKE BIG BROTHER.

AND FOR THE LADY, THE

EMBRYO ACCELERATOR.

ELECTROMAGNETIC TREATMENTS SO

YOUR CHILD WILL DEVELOP FROM

EMBRYO TO ADULT IN 18 WEEKS.

AVOID CHILDHOOD TRAUMAS.

SAVE TIME AND MONEY.

ANOTHER FINE PRODUCT FROM THE

PEOPLE AT CHROMOCON.

AND WHAT HOME WOULD BE COMPLETE

WITHOUT THE AMAZING LASERMATIC?

SLICES, DICES, OR CHOPS

EVERYTHING FROM TOMATOES TO

DIAMONDS.

OUR CONTESTANTS WILL EASE THEIR TROUBLED MINDS WITH THE NEW DIAL-A-BLANK ELECTRO SHOCK KIT.

TROUBLED MINDS WITH THE NEW DIAL-A-BLANK ELECTRO SHOCK KIT. FORGET ANYTHING YOU WANT WITH

DIAL-A-BLANK ELECTRO SHOCK KIT. FORGET ANYTHING YOU WANT WITH A TWIST OF THE DIAL.

FORGET ANYTHING YOU WANT WITH A TWIST OF THE DIAL. SO EFFECTIVE, YOU WON'T REMEMBER

A TWIST OF THE DIAL. SO EFFECTIVE, YOU WON'T REMEMBER YOU OWN ONE.

SO EFFECTIVE, YOU WON'T REMEMBER YOU OWN ONE. DIAL-A-BLANK FROM

YOU OWN ONE. DIAL-A-BLANK FROM LEISURE-TRONICS.

AND OUR CONTESTANTS WILL BE

TAKING HOME MR. WHACKY

RHESUS MONKEY TORTURE KIT FOR

THE YOUNG SCIENTIST IN THE

FAMILY.

MONKEYS NOT INCLUDED, ART.

THANK YOU, DON PARDO.

AND HERE NOW IS OUR

FINAL JEOPARDY ANSWER... "HE

ASSASSINATED PRESIDENT KENNEDY."

GO!

KENNEDY.

HE WAS PRESIDENT ABOUT 30 YEARS

AGO, WASN'T HE?

PERHAPS YOU'VE SEEN SOMETHING

ABOUT HIM ON YOUR HOME

ENTERTAINMENT SYSTEM.

MAYBE ONE OF YOU WILL JUST GET

LUCKY.

WELL, LET'S HOPE SO ON THIS.

OKAY, PUT THOSE PENS DOWN.

LEE, WHAT'S YOUR ANSWER?

J. EDGAR HOOVER.

NO, I'M SORRY, YOU'RE WRONG ON

THAT.

YOU WAGERED $10,000.

THAT LEAVES YOU WITH NADA.

[CHUCKLES]

OKAY, LARAINE, YOUR ANSWER IS

FIDEL CASTRO.

NO, I'M SORRY. YOU'RE WRONG.

YOU WAGERED $15,000.

THAT LEAVES YOU WITH $15,000.

DANNY?

WHO WAS FRANK SINATRA JR.?

THAT'S A GOOD GUESS, BUT, NO,

I'M SORRY, YOU'RE WRONG.

LET'S SEE. YOU WAGERED $10,000.

THAT LEAVES YOU WITH $20,000!

YOU'RE STILL CHAMPION!

THAT'S IT FOR US.

OF COURSE, THE CORRECT ANSWER TO

"WHO KILLED KENNEDY?" WAS

LEE HARVEY OSWALD.

THAT'S LEE HARVEY OSWALD.

WE'LL SEE YOU NEXT WEEK ON

"JEOPARDY 1999!"

SO LONG.

Announcer: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, KINKY FRIEDMAN. [APPLAUSE]

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

♪ FROM A FAN OF YOURS IN TEXAS ♪ ♪ WHO'S HAD A LITTLE TROUBLE FINDING LOVE ♪

♪ WHO'S HAD A LITTLE TROUBLE FINDING LOVE ♪ ♪ I'M CONSIDERED QUITE

FINDING LOVE ♪ ♪ I'M CONSIDERED QUITE ATTRACTIVE ♪

♪ I'M CONSIDERED QUITE ATTRACTIVE ♪ ♪ AND I'VE ALWAYS BEEN QUITE

ATTRACTIVE ♪ ♪ AND I'VE ALWAYS BEEN QUITE ACTIVE, AT THE CLUB ♪

♪ AND I'VE ALWAYS BEEN QUITE ACTIVE, AT THE CLUB ♪ ♪ BUT THE LIFE I LEAD'S SO

ACTIVE, AT THE CLUB ♪ ♪ BUT THE LIFE I LEAD'S SO LONESOME ♪

♪ BUT THE LIFE I LEAD'S SO LONESOME ♪ ♪ THAT I WONDER, ABBIE, IF

LONESOME ♪ ♪ THAT I WONDER, ABBIE, IF YOU'VE EVER KNOWN ♪

♪ THAT I WONDER, ABBIE, IF YOU'VE EVER KNOWN ♪ ♪ WHAT IT'S LIKE TO LIVE IN

YOU'VE EVER KNOWN ♪ ♪ WHAT IT'S LIKE TO LIVE IN OTHERS' DREAMS AND NEVER HAVE A

♪ WHAT IT'S LIKE TO LIVE IN OTHERS' DREAMS AND NEVER HAVE A DREAM TO CALL YOUR OWN ♪

OTHERS' DREAMS AND NEVER HAVE A DREAM TO CALL YOUR OWN ♪ ♪ THERE'S A DIVORCéE IN DALLAS ♪

DREAM TO CALL YOUR OWN ♪ ♪ THERE'S A DIVORCéE IN DALLAS ♪ ♪ THERE'S A GIRL WHO'S MUCH TOO

♪ THERE'S A DIVORCéE IN DALLAS ♪ ♪ THERE'S A GIRL WHO'S MUCH TOO YOUNG IN IDAHO ♪

♪ THERE'S A GIRL WHO'S MUCH TOO YOUNG IN IDAHO ♪ ♪ LONDON BRIDGE IS FALLING

YOUNG IN IDAHO ♪ ♪ LONDON BRIDGE IS FALLING DOWN ♪

♪ LONDON BRIDGE IS FALLING DOWN ♪ ♪ AND THE CLERGYMAN IS OUT OF

DOWN ♪ ♪ AND THE CLERGYMAN IS OUT OF TOWN ♪

♪ AND THE CLERGYMAN IS OUT OF TOWN ♪ ♪ AND THERE'S A DAUGHTER NO ONE

TOWN ♪ ♪ AND THERE'S A DAUGHTER NO ONE WANTS IN BUFFALO ♪

♪ AND THERE'S A DAUGHTER NO ONE WANTS IN BUFFALO ♪ ♪ AND I'M WONDERING 'BOUT

WANTS IN BUFFALO ♪ ♪ AND I'M WONDERING 'BOUT AMERICA ♪

♪ AND I'M WONDERING 'BOUT AMERICA ♪ ♪ WONDERING IF WE LOST MORE THAN

AMERICA ♪ ♪ WONDERING IF WE LOST MORE THAN THE WAR ♪

♪ WONDERING IF WE LOST MORE THAN THE WAR ♪ ♪ I'M JUST WONDERING IF THERE'S

THE WAR ♪ ♪ I'M JUST WONDERING IF THERE'S ANY SILVER LINING LEFT ♪

♪ I'M JUST WONDERING IF THERE'S ANY SILVER LINING LEFT ♪ ♪ BEHIND THE GOLDEN DOOR ♪

ANY SILVER LINING LEFT ♪ ♪ BEHIND THE GOLDEN DOOR ♪ ♪ AND DEAR ABBIE ♪

♪ BEHIND THE GOLDEN DOOR ♪ ♪ AND DEAR ABBIE ♪ ♪ ABBIE, I JUST HAD TO WRITE ♪

♪ AND DEAR ABBIE ♪ ♪ ABBIE, I JUST HAD TO WRITE ♪ ♪ DEAR ABBIE ♪

♪ ABBIE, I JUST HAD TO WRITE ♪ ♪ DEAR ABBIE ♪ ♪ ABBIE, IS THERE ANY LOVE IN

♪ DEAR ABBIE ♪ ♪ ABBIE, IS THERE ANY LOVE IN SIGHT? ♪

♪ ABBIE, IS THERE ANY LOVE IN SIGHT? ♪ ♪ WELL, THE LAST TIME THAT I SAW

SIGHT? ♪ ♪ WELL, THE LAST TIME THAT I SAW YOU ♪

♪ WELL, THE LAST TIME THAT I SAW YOU ♪ ♪ YOU WERE LIVING AT THE OLD

YOU ♪ ♪ YOU WERE LIVING AT THE OLD CHELSEA HOTEL ♪

♪ YOU WERE LIVING AT THE OLD CHELSEA HOTEL ♪ ♪ EVEN THOUGH IT'S BEEN

CHELSEA HOTEL ♪ ♪ EVEN THOUGH IT'S BEEN A WHILE ♪

♪ EVEN THOUGH IT'S BEEN A WHILE ♪ ♪ HELL, EVEN NOW IT MAKES ME

A WHILE ♪ ♪ HELL, EVEN NOW IT MAKES ME SMILE ♪

♪ HELL, EVEN NOW IT MAKES ME SMILE ♪ ♪ TO THINK OF HOW YOU

SMILE ♪ ♪ TO THINK OF HOW YOU TENNIS-SHOED THE BILL ♪

♪ TO THINK OF HOW YOU TENNIS-SHOED THE BILL ♪ ♪ AND IT SEEMS LIKE ONLY

TENNIS-SHOED THE BILL ♪ ♪ AND IT SEEMS LIKE ONLY YESTERDAY ♪

♪ AND IT SEEMS LIKE ONLY YESTERDAY ♪ ♪ YOU FELL OFF OF THE SEESAW ♪

YESTERDAY ♪ ♪ YOU FELL OFF OF THE SEESAW ♪ ♪ AND YOU CRIED ♪

♪ YOU FELL OFF OF THE SEESAW ♪ ♪ AND YOU CRIED ♪ ♪ AND YOUR DADDY LIT THE

♪ AND YOU CRIED ♪ ♪ AND YOUR DADDY LIT THE FIREWORKS ♪

♪ AND YOUR DADDY LIT THE FIREWORKS ♪ ♪ IN THE BACKYARD ON THE FOURTH

FIREWORKS ♪ ♪ IN THE BACKYARD ON THE FOURTH DAY OF JULY ♪

♪ IN THE BACKYARD ON THE FOURTH DAY OF JULY ♪ ♪ AND DEAR ABBIE ♪

DAY OF JULY ♪ ♪ AND DEAR ABBIE ♪ ♪ ABBIE, I JUST HAD TO WRITE ♪

♪ AND DEAR ABBIE ♪ ♪ ABBIE, I JUST HAD TO WRITE ♪ ♪ DEAR ABBIE ♪

♪ ABBIE, I JUST HAD TO WRITE ♪ ♪ DEAR ABBIE ♪ ♪ ABBIE ♪

♪ DEAR ABBIE ♪ ♪ ABBIE ♪ ♪ WHERE ARE YOU ♪

♪ ABBIE ♪ ♪ WHERE ARE YOU ♪ ♪ TONIGHT? ♪

♪ WHERE ARE YOU ♪ ♪ TONIGHT? ♪ [FINALE PLAYS]

♪ TONIGHT? ♪ [FINALE PLAYS] [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

Announcer: AND NOW "WEEKEND

UPDATE" WITH CHEVY CHASE.

NO. NO, YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO BLOW ON IT.

NO, YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO BLOW ON IT. THAT'S JUST AN EXPRESSION.

ON IT. THAT'S JUST AN EXPRESSION. I HAVE TO GO.

THAT'S JUST AN EXPRESSION. I HAVE TO GO. GOOD EVENING.

I HAVE TO GO. GOOD EVENING. I'M RON McKUEN.

GOOD EVENING. I'M RON McKUEN. OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT...

I'M RON McKUEN. OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT... PRESIDENT FORD AND

OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT... PRESIDENT FORD AND GOVERNOR JIMMY CARTER EMERGED

PRESIDENT FORD AND GOVERNOR JIMMY CARTER EMERGED FROM THEIR THIRD AND FINAL

GOVERNOR JIMMY CARTER EMERGED FROM THEIR THIRD AND FINAL DEBATE VIRTUALLY EVEN IN THE

FROM THEIR THIRD AND FINAL DEBATE VIRTUALLY EVEN IN THE PRELIMINARY POLLS.

DEBATE VIRTUALLY EVEN IN THE PRELIMINARY POLLS. A BURNS ROPER POLL SHOWED

PRELIMINARY POLLS. A BURNS ROPER POLL SHOWED CARTER TO BE A WINNER BY A

A BURNS ROPER POLL SHOWED CARTER TO BE A WINNER BY A SUBSTANTIAL MARGIN OF 40% TO

CARTER TO BE A WINNER BY A SUBSTANTIAL MARGIN OF 40% TO 29%.

SUBSTANTIAL MARGIN OF 40% TO 29%. HOWEVER, AN A.P. POLL SHOWED

29%. HOWEVER, AN A.P. POLL SHOWED FORD THE WINNER BY 35.5% TO

HOWEVER, AN A.P. POLL SHOWED FORD THE WINNER BY 35.5% TO 33.1%.

FORD THE WINNER BY 35.5% TO 33.1%. A PANEL OF 10 EXPERTS FOUND

33.1%. A PANEL OF 10 EXPERTS FOUND KEN NORTON TO BE THE WINNER.

A PANEL OF 10 EXPERTS FOUND KEN NORTON TO BE THE WINNER. COMMENTING ON THE EARLY POLLS,

KEN NORTON TO BE THE WINNER. COMMENTING ON THE EARLY POLLS, JIMMY CARTER SAID HE DIDN'T CARE

COMMENTING ON THE EARLY POLLS, JIMMY CARTER SAID HE DIDN'T CARE MUCH.

JIMMY CARTER SAID HE DIDN'T CARE MUCH. BUT FORD'S COMMENTS WERE, "THE

MUCH. BUT FORD'S COMMENTS WERE, "THE POLES ARE AN INDEPENDENT AND

BUT FORD'S COMMENTS WERE, "THE POLES ARE AN INDEPENDENT AND AUTONOMOUS PEOPLE, AND I DON'T

POLES ARE AN INDEPENDENT AND AUTONOMOUS PEOPLE, AND I DON'T BELIEVE THEY CONSIDER THEMSELVES

AUTONOMOUS PEOPLE, AND I DON'T BELIEVE THEY CONSIDER THEMSELVES TO BE UNDER SOVIET DOMINATION."

BELIEVE THEY CONSIDER THEMSELVES TO BE UNDER SOVIET DOMINATION." THE PRESIDENT IS SAID TO BE

TO BE UNDER SOVIET DOMINATION." THE PRESIDENT IS SAID TO BE READYING HIMSELF FOR THE

THE PRESIDENT IS SAID TO BE READYING HIMSELF FOR THE UPCOMING FORD/DOLE DEBATES.

READYING HIMSELF FOR THE UPCOMING FORD/DOLE DEBATES. PROBABLY THE BIGGEST SURPRISE OF

UPCOMING FORD/DOLE DEBATES. PROBABLY THE BIGGEST SURPRISE OF LAST NIGHT'S DEBATES WAS WHEN

PROBABLY THE BIGGEST SURPRISE OF LAST NIGHT'S DEBATES WAS WHEN JIMMY CARTER, TO THE CONFUSION

LAST NIGHT'S DEBATES WAS WHEN JIMMY CARTER, TO THE CONFUSION OF EVERYONE, REVEALED THAT, WHEN

JIMMY CARTER, TO THE CONFUSION OF EVERYONE, REVEALED THAT, WHEN THE MOOD HITS HIM, HE LIKES TO

OF EVERYONE, REVEALED THAT, WHEN THE MOOD HITS HIM, HE LIKES TO DRESS UP LIKE ELEANOR ROOSEVELT.

THE MOOD HITS HIM, HE LIKES TO DRESS UP LIKE ELEANOR ROOSEVELT. CHAIRMAN OF THE JOINT CHIEFS OF

DRESS UP LIKE ELEANOR ROOSEVELT. CHAIRMAN OF THE JOINT CHIEFS OF STAFF, BUCK PRIVATE

CHAIRMAN OF THE JOINT CHIEFS OF STAFF, BUCK PRIVATE GEORGE BROWN, APOLOGIZED FOR HIS

STAFF, BUCK PRIVATE GEORGE BROWN, APOLOGIZED FOR HIS REMARK THAT ISRAEL WAS A

GEORGE BROWN, APOLOGIZED FOR HIS REMARK THAT ISRAEL WAS A MILITARY BURDEN TO THE

REMARK THAT ISRAEL WAS A MILITARY BURDEN TO THE UNITED STATES.

MILITARY BURDEN TO THE UNITED STATES. BROWN STATED THAT WHAT HE MEANT

UNITED STATES. BROWN STATED THAT WHAT HE MEANT TO SAY WAS, "LET'S LEAVE THE

BROWN STATED THAT WHAT HE MEANT TO SAY WAS, "LET'S LEAVE THE DUMB JEWS HELPLESS."

TO SAY WAS, "LET'S LEAVE THE DUMB JEWS HELPLESS." MEANWHILE, PREPARATIONS ARE

DUMB JEWS HELPLESS." MEANWHILE, PREPARATIONS ARE UNDER WAY FOR THE FIRST

MEANWHILE, PREPARATIONS ARE UNDER WAY FOR THE FIRST BROWN/BUTTS DEBATE, TO BE

UNDER WAY FOR THE FIRST BROWN/BUTTS DEBATE, TO BE TELEVISED FROM A SYNAGOGUE IN

BROWN/BUTTS DEBATE, TO BE TELEVISED FROM A SYNAGOGUE IN LITTLE ROCK, ARKANSAS.

TELEVISED FROM A SYNAGOGUE IN LITTLE ROCK, ARKANSAS. CARLO GAMBINO, THE UNDERWORLD'S

LITTLE ROCK, ARKANSAS. CARLO GAMBINO, THE UNDERWORLD'S NOTORIOUS CAPO DI TUTTI CAPI,

CARLO GAMBINO, THE UNDERWORLD'S NOTORIOUS CAPO DI TUTTI CAPI, OR BOSS OF ALL BOSSES, WAS LAID

NOTORIOUS CAPO DI TUTTI CAPI, OR BOSS OF ALL BOSSES, WAS LAID TO REST THIS WEEK AS A POWER

OR BOSS OF ALL BOSSES, WAS LAID TO REST THIS WEEK AS A POWER STRUGGLE RAGED FOR HIS MAFIA

TO REST THIS WEEK AS A POWER STRUGGLE RAGED FOR HIS MAFIA FAMILY LEADERSHIP.

STRUGGLE RAGED FOR HIS MAFIA FAMILY LEADERSHIP. THE FUNERAL SERVICE WAS SIMPLE,

FAMILY LEADERSHIP. THE FUNERAL SERVICE WAS SIMPLE, HIGHLIGHTED BY A CHORUS OF

THE FUNERAL SERVICE WAS SIMPLE, HIGHLIGHTED BY A CHORUS OF MOURNERS SINGING "CIAO, CIAO,

HIGHLIGHTED BY A CHORUS OF MOURNERS SINGING "CIAO, CIAO, GAMBINO", AS THE CASKET WAS

MOURNERS SINGING "CIAO, CIAO, GAMBINO", AS THE CASKET WAS SPRINKLED WITH SAUSAGES AND

GAMBINO", AS THE CASKET WAS SPRINKLED WITH SAUSAGES AND ANCHOVIES AND SEALED IN A PIZZA

SPRINKLED WITH SAUSAGES AND ANCHOVIES AND SEALED IN A PIZZA OVEN.

ANCHOVIES AND SEALED IN A PIZZA OVEN. ON THE SERIOUSER SIDE... ON A

OVEN. ON THE SERIOUSER SIDE... ON A MORE SERIOUS SIDE... ON THE MORE

ON THE SERIOUSER SIDE... ON A MORE SERIOUS SIDE... ON THE MORE SERIOUS SIDE, CHAIRMAN MAO WAS

MORE SERIOUS SIDE... ON THE MORE SERIOUS SIDE, CHAIRMAN MAO WAS FINALLY LAID TO REST THIS WEEK

SERIOUS SIDE, CHAIRMAN MAO WAS FINALLY LAID TO REST THIS WEEK AFTER MUCH DISCUSSION AS TO WHAT

FINALLY LAID TO REST THIS WEEK AFTER MUCH DISCUSSION AS TO WHAT TO DO WITH HIS BODY.

AFTER MUCH DISCUSSION AS TO WHAT TO DO WITH HIS BODY. AFTER WEEKS OF DEBATE, IT WAS

TO DO WITH HIS BODY. AFTER WEEKS OF DEBATE, IT WAS DECIDED THAT THE FALLEN CHINESE

AFTER WEEKS OF DEBATE, IT WAS DECIDED THAT THE FALLEN CHINESE LEADER BE BURIED IN A TAKEOUT

DECIDED THAT THE FALLEN CHINESE LEADER BE BURIED IN A TAKEOUT SEMINARY.

LEADER BE BURIED IN A TAKEOUT SEMINARY. THE FAMILY DECIDED THIS WOULD BE

SEMINARY. THE FAMILY DECIDED THIS WOULD BE BEST, AS IT'S CHEAPER, IT'S OPEN

THE FAMILY DECIDED THIS WOULD BE BEST, AS IT'S CHEAPER, IT'S OPEN 24 HOURS A DAY, AND IT'S WITHIN

BEST, AS IT'S CHEAPER, IT'S OPEN 24 HOURS A DAY, AND IT'S WITHIN DELIVERY DISTANCE OF PEKING.

24 HOURS A DAY, AND IT'S WITHIN DELIVERY DISTANCE OF PEKING. ALTHOUGH THE PRESS WAS BARRED

DELIVERY DISTANCE OF PEKING. ALTHOUGH THE PRESS WAS BARRED FROM THE JURY-SELECTION PROCESS

ALTHOUGH THE PRESS WAS BARRED FROM THE JURY-SELECTION PROCESS OF RUBIN "HURRICANE" CARTER'S

FROM THE JURY-SELECTION PROCESS OF RUBIN "HURRICANE" CARTER'S RETRIAL, "WEEKEND UPDATE" WAS

OF RUBIN "HURRICANE" CARTER'S RETRIAL, "WEEKEND UPDATE" WAS ABLE TO SNEAK ONE OF OUR STAFF

RETRIAL, "WEEKEND UPDATE" WAS ABLE TO SNEAK ONE OF OUR STAFF ARTISTS INTO THE PROCEEDINGS.

THE FORMER MIDDLEWEIGHT LOOKED

AT HIS WATCH FOR 11 SECONDS AND

THEN WROTE SOMETHING WHILE

WAITING FOR

JUDGE BRUNO L. LEOPIZZI TO

IMPANEL 12 JURORS AND 4

ALTERNATES INDIVIDUALLY BEHIND

CLOSED DOORS.

CARTER LEANED BACK AND THEN TOOK A DRINK OF WATER, AS THE JUDGE IMPOSED A GAG ORDER, RESTRICTING

A DRINK OF WATER, AS THE JUDGE IMPOSED A GAG ORDER, RESTRICTING THE DEFENDANT'S AND OPPOSING

IMPOSED A GAG ORDER, RESTRICTING THE DEFENDANT'S AND OPPOSING LAWYERS FROM COMMENTING ON THE

THE DEFENDANT'S AND OPPOSING LAWYERS FROM COMMENTING ON THE TRIPLE-MURDER CASE.

LAWYERS FROM COMMENTING ON THE TRIPLE-MURDER CASE. AFTER THAT, CARTER LEANED BACK

TRIPLE-MURDER CASE. AFTER THAT, CARTER LEANED BACK AND CROSSED HIS ARMS.

AFTER THAT, CARTER LEANED BACK AND CROSSED HIS ARMS. COMING UP NEXT... STUDENTS

AND CROSSED HIS ARMS. COMING UP NEXT... STUDENTS REGISTER FOR CLASSES IN

COMING UP NEXT... STUDENTS REGISTER FOR CLASSES IN THAILAND... RIGHT AFTER THIS

REGISTER FOR CLASSES IN THAILAND... RIGHT AFTER THIS MESSAGE.

ARE YOU LIKE MOST PEOPLE? DO YOU LONG FOR A GERMAN SHEPHERD THAT CAN TELL TIME?

DO YOU LONG FOR A GERMAN SHEPHERD THAT CAN TELL TIME? WELL, HELP IS HERE!

SHEPHERD THAT CAN TELL TIME? WELL, HELP IS HERE! [FANFARE PLAYS]

WELL, HELP IS HERE! [FANFARE PLAYS] INTRODUCING FIDO-FLEX... THE

[FANFARE PLAYS] INTRODUCING FIDO-FLEX... THE DIGITAL WATCHDOG!

INTRODUCING FIDO-FLEX... THE DIGITAL WATCHDOG! THE ONLY WATCH THAT NURSES ITS

DIGITAL WATCHDOG! THE ONLY WATCH THAT NURSES ITS YOUNG, AND THE ONLY DOG YOU CAN

THE ONLY WATCH THAT NURSES ITS YOUNG, AND THE ONLY DOG YOU CAN WEAR UNDERWATER.

YOUNG, AND THE ONLY DOG YOU CAN WEAR UNDERWATER. IT'S SIMPLE.

WEAR UNDERWATER. IT'S SIMPLE. PULL THE DOG'S LEFT EAR, IT

IT'S SIMPLE. PULL THE DOG'S LEFT EAR, IT TELLS YOU THE DATE.

PULL THE DOG'S LEFT EAR, IT TELLS YOU THE DATE. PULL THE WATCH'S RIGHT EAR, IT

TELLS YOU THE DATE. PULL THE WATCH'S RIGHT EAR, IT TELLS YOU THE TIME.

PULL THE WATCH'S RIGHT EAR, IT TELLS YOU THE TIME. AND PULL THE WATCH'S TAIL, AND

TELLS YOU THE TIME. AND PULL THE WATCH'S TAIL, AND IT FIGURES OUT YOUR AGE IN DOG

AND PULL THE WATCH'S TAIL, AND IT FIGURES OUT YOUR AGE IN DOG YEARS.

IT FIGURES OUT YOUR AGE IN DOG YEARS. IT'S DURABLE, TOO.

YEARS. IT'S DURABLE, TOO. WE TOOK ONE OF THESE DIGITAL

IT'S DURABLE, TOO. WE TOOK ONE OF THESE DIGITAL WATCHDOGS AND STRAPPED IT TO THE

WE TOOK ONE OF THESE DIGITAL WATCHDOGS AND STRAPPED IT TO THE RUDDER OF A SPEEDBOAT...

WATCHDOGS AND STRAPPED IT TO THE RUDDER OF A SPEEDBOAT... TRAVELING FROM NEW YORK HARBOR

RUDDER OF A SPEEDBOAT... TRAVELING FROM NEW YORK HARBOR TO CHESAPEAKE BAY AT THE SPEED

TRAVELING FROM NEW YORK HARBOR TO CHESAPEAKE BAY AT THE SPEED OF 45 KNOTS.

TO CHESAPEAKE BAY AT THE SPEED OF 45 KNOTS. AND, AFTER 17 HOURS...

OF 45 KNOTS. AND, AFTER 17 HOURS... IT'S STILL TICKING!

AND, AFTER 17 HOURS... IT'S STILL TICKING! STAY!

IT'S STILL TICKING! STAY! FIDO-FLEX... THE DIGITAL

STAY! FIDO-FLEX... THE DIGITAL WATCHDOG!

FIDO-FLEX... THE DIGITAL WATCHDOG! FOR THE MAN OF THE HOUSE OR...

WATCHDOG! FOR THE MAN OF THE HOUSE OR... LADY FIDO-FLEX, FOR THE

FOR THE MAN OF THE HOUSE OR... LADY FIDO-FLEX, FOR THE WOMAN.

LADY FIDO-FLEX, FOR THE WOMAN. THE FIDO-FLEX... THE WATCH

WOMAN. THE FIDO-FLEX... THE WATCH THAT GUARDS ITSELF.

AS MANY OF YOU MAY ALREADY KNOW, I WAS RECENTLY TAKEN ILL FOR TWO WEEKS, AND SITTING IN

KNOW, I WAS RECENTLY TAKEN ILL FOR TWO WEEKS, AND SITTING IN FOR ME WAS... AS THE ANCHORWOMAN

FOR TWO WEEKS, AND SITTING IN FOR ME WAS... AS THE ANCHORWOMAN FOR "WEEKEND UPDATE"... WAS A

FOR ME WAS... AS THE ANCHORWOMAN FOR "WEEKEND UPDATE"... WAS A VERY FINE JOURNALIST IN HER OWN

FOR "WEEKEND UPDATE"... WAS A VERY FINE JOURNALIST IN HER OWN RIGHT... CORRESPONDENT

VERY FINE JOURNALIST IN HER OWN RIGHT... CORRESPONDENT JANE CURTIN.

RIGHT... CORRESPONDENT JANE CURTIN. OF COURSE, MUCH HAS BEEN SAID

JANE CURTIN. OF COURSE, MUCH HAS BEEN SAID LATELY ABOUT THE PROS AND CONS

OF COURSE, MUCH HAS BEEN SAID LATELY ABOUT THE PROS AND CONS OF A WOMAN REPORTER ANCHORING

LATELY ABOUT THE PROS AND CONS OF A WOMAN REPORTER ANCHORING THE NATIONAL NEWS, BUT THERE'S

OF A WOMAN REPORTER ANCHORING THE NATIONAL NEWS, BUT THERE'S CERTAINLY NO QUESTION IN MY MIND

THE NATIONAL NEWS, BUT THERE'S CERTAINLY NO QUESTION IN MY MIND ABOUT THE VALIDITY OF WOMEN IN

CERTAINLY NO QUESTION IN MY MIND ABOUT THE VALIDITY OF WOMEN IN ANY SO-CALLED TRADITIONAL MALE

ABOUT THE VALIDITY OF WOMEN IN ANY SO-CALLED TRADITIONAL MALE ROLES.

ANY SO-CALLED TRADITIONAL MALE ROLES. PEOPLE ARE PEOPLE AND SHOULD BE

ROLES. PEOPLE ARE PEOPLE AND SHOULD BE JUDGED AS PEOPLE.

PEOPLE ARE PEOPLE AND SHOULD BE JUDGED AS PEOPLE. ONE SUCH PERSON, WHO JUST

JUDGED AS PEOPLE. ONE SUCH PERSON, WHO JUST HAPPENS TO BE A VERY FINE

ONE SUCH PERSON, WHO JUST HAPPENS TO BE A VERY FINE NEWSWOMAN, IS JANE CURTIN.

HAPPENS TO BE A VERY FINE NEWSWOMAN, IS JANE CURTIN. AND IT GIVES ME GREAT PLEASURE

NEWSWOMAN, IS JANE CURTIN. AND IT GIVES ME GREAT PLEASURE TO WELCOME HER AS A REGULAR,

AND IT GIVES ME GREAT PLEASURE TO WELCOME HER AS A REGULAR, JOINING ME ON "WEEKEND UPDATE."

TO WELCOME HER AS A REGULAR, JOINING ME ON "WEEKEND UPDATE." JANE?

JOINING ME ON "WEEKEND UPDATE." JANE? THANK YOU, CHEVY.

JANE? THANK YOU, CHEVY. JANE, WELCOME, AND THANKS FOR

THANK YOU, CHEVY. JANE, WELCOME, AND THANKS FOR TAKING OVER EARLIER THIS YEAR.

JANE, WELCOME, AND THANKS FOR TAKING OVER EARLIER THIS YEAR. I UNDERSTAND YOU HAVE A REPORT

TAKING OVER EARLIER THIS YEAR. I UNDERSTAND YOU HAVE A REPORT FOR US ON THE LATEST

I UNDERSTAND YOU HAVE A REPORT FOR US ON THE LATEST FLUOROCARBON CONTROVERSY.

FOR US ON THE LATEST FLUOROCARBON CONTROVERSY. THAT'S RIGHT, CHEVY.

FLUOROCARBON CONTROVERSY. THAT'S RIGHT, CHEVY. A GROWING CONCERN EXISTS ABOUT

THAT'S RIGHT, CHEVY. A GROWING CONCERN EXISTS ABOUT THE DANGERS OF FLUOROCARBONS

A GROWING CONCERN EXISTS ABOUT THE DANGERS OF FLUOROCARBONS BEING RELEASED BY AEROSOL

THE DANGERS OF FLUOROCARBONS BEING RELEASED BY AEROSOL PRODUCTS.

BEING RELEASED BY AEROSOL PRODUCTS. RESPONSIBLE ENVIRONMENTALISTS

PRODUCTS. RESPONSIBLE ENVIRONMENTALISTS HAVE BEEN WARNING US FOR YEARS

RESPONSIBLE ENVIRONMENTALISTS HAVE BEEN WARNING US FOR YEARS THAT THESE FLUOROCARBONS ARE

HAVE BEEN WARNING US FOR YEARS THAT THESE FLUOROCARBONS ARE SLOWLY DESTROYING THE EARTH'S

THAT THESE FLUOROCARBONS ARE SLOWLY DESTROYING THE EARTH'S OZONE LAYER.

SLOWLY DESTROYING THE EARTH'S OZONE LAYER. AS THE OZONE LAYER DISAPPEARS,

OZONE LAYER. AS THE OZONE LAYER DISAPPEARS, THE SUN'S ULTRAVIOLET RAYS REACH

AS THE OZONE LAYER DISAPPEARS, THE SUN'S ULTRAVIOLET RAYS REACH THE EARTH IN AN UNFILTERED STATE

THE SUN'S ULTRAVIOLET RAYS REACH THE EARTH IN AN UNFILTERED STATE OF INTENSITY, STRONG ENOUGH TO

THE EARTH IN AN UNFILTERED STATE OF INTENSITY, STRONG ENOUGH TO EVENTUALLY DESTROY LIFE ON OUR

OF INTENSITY, STRONG ENOUGH TO EVENTUALLY DESTROY LIFE ON OUR PLANET AND, SUBSEQUENTLY, OUR

EVENTUALLY DESTROY LIFE ON OUR PLANET AND, SUBSEQUENTLY, OUR PLANET ITSELF.

PLANET AND, SUBSEQUENTLY, OUR PLANET ITSELF. PROPOSED LEGISLATION CONTROLLING

PLANET ITSELF. PROPOSED LEGISLATION CONTROLLING AEROSOL PRODUCTS HAS BEEN AN

PROPOSED LEGISLATION CONTROLLING AEROSOL PRODUCTS HAS BEEN AN ISSUE IN WASHINGTON FOR A LONG

AEROSOL PRODUCTS HAS BEEN AN ISSUE IN WASHINGTON FOR A LONG TIME, BUT, SO FAR, HAS GOTTEN

ISSUE IN WASHINGTON FOR A LONG TIME, BUT, SO FAR, HAS GOTTEN NOWHERE.

TIME, BUT, SO FAR, HAS GOTTEN NOWHERE. THE ECOLOGICAL COMMUNITY URGES

NOWHERE. THE ECOLOGICAL COMMUNITY URGES THE CONCERNED CITIZEN SHOULD

THE ECOLOGICAL COMMUNITY URGES THE CONCERNED CITIZEN SHOULD ACT NOW... FORM GROUPS, WRITE TO

THE CONCERNED CITIZEN SHOULD ACT NOW... FORM GROUPS, WRITE TO CONGRESS, PROTEST THE CONTINUED

ACT NOW... FORM GROUPS, WRITE TO CONGRESS, PROTEST THE CONTINUED MANUFACTURE AND SALE OF PRODUCTS

CONGRESS, PROTEST THE CONTINUED MANUFACTURE AND SALE OF PRODUCTS WHICH CAN EVENTUALLY DESTROY US.

MANUFACTURE AND SALE OF PRODUCTS WHICH CAN EVENTUALLY DESTROY US. THANK YOU, JANE.

JANE CURTIN. WELL, DAVID BOWIE PAID A SURPRISE VISIT TO NEW YORK THIS

WELL, DAVID BOWIE PAID A SURPRISE VISIT TO NEW YORK THIS WEEK.

SURPRISE VISIT TO NEW YORK THIS WEEK. FANS REMARKED THAT HE LOOKED

WEEK. FANS REMARKED THAT HE LOOKED MUCH BIGGER IN PERSON.

FANS REMARKED THAT HE LOOKED MUCH BIGGER IN PERSON. ADLAI STEVENSON.

MUCH BIGGER IN PERSON. ADLAI STEVENSON. DICTATORIAL PRESIDENT

ADLAI STEVENSON. DICTATORIAL PRESIDENT FERDINAND MARCOS IS PICTURED

DICTATORIAL PRESIDENT FERDINAND MARCOS IS PICTURED HERE AND HAS BEEN CASTING HIS

FERDINAND MARCOS IS PICTURED HERE AND HAS BEEN CASTING HIS BALLOTS IN A REFERENDUM.

HERE AND HAS BEEN CASTING HIS BALLOTS IN A REFERENDUM. THOUGH...

BALLOTS IN A REFERENDUM. THOUGH... I-I DON'T LIKE PEOPLE READING

THOUGH... I-I DON'T LIKE PEOPLE READING OVER MY SHOULDER.

I-I DON'T LIKE PEOPLE READING OVER MY SHOULDER. YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

OVER MY SHOULDER. YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? OH, I'M SORRY.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? OH, I'M SORRY. I WAS JUST TRYING TO READ

OH, I'M SORRY. I WAS JUST TRYING TO READ SOMETHING.

WELL, ON THE WARMER, HAPPIER SIDE OF LIFE, FAR FROM THE STORIES WHICH SEEM SAD OR

SIDE OF LIFE, FAR FROM THE STORIES WHICH SEEM SAD OR TRAGIC, BABY GORILLA BOOM-BOOM

STORIES WHICH SEEM SAD OR TRAGIC, BABY GORILLA BOOM-BOOM WAS FLOWN BY CONCORDE FROM PARIS

TRAGIC, BABY GORILLA BOOM-BOOM WAS FLOWN BY CONCORDE FROM PARIS TO WASHINGTON LAST THURSDAY TO

WAS FLOWN BY CONCORDE FROM PARIS TO WASHINGTON LAST THURSDAY TO JOIN THE RINGLING BROS. AND

TO WASHINGTON LAST THURSDAY TO JOIN THE RINGLING BROS. AND BARNUM & BAILEY ZOO AND CIRCUS.

JOIN THE RINGLING BROS. AND BARNUM & BAILEY ZOO AND CIRCUS. BOOM-BOOM ENCHANTED PASSENGERS

BARNUM & BAILEY ZOO AND CIRCUS. BOOM-BOOM ENCHANTED PASSENGERS AND STEWARDESSES DURING THE

BOOM-BOOM ENCHANTED PASSENGERS AND STEWARDESSES DURING THE 3 1/2 HOUR FLIGHT BY DANCING IN

AND STEWARDESSES DURING THE 3 1/2 HOUR FLIGHT BY DANCING IN THE AISLES, MAKING CUTE NOISES,

3 1/2 HOUR FLIGHT BY DANCING IN THE AISLES, MAKING CUTE NOISES, AND BREAKING INTO THE COCKPIT

THE AISLES, MAKING CUTE NOISES, AND BREAKING INTO THE COCKPIT AND RIPPING APART THE FACE OF

AND BREAKING INTO THE COCKPIT AND RIPPING APART THE FACE OF THE CAPTAIN, MUTILATING THE

AND RIPPING APART THE FACE OF THE CAPTAIN, MUTILATING THE NAVIGATOR, AND CRASH-LANDING THE

THE CAPTAIN, MUTILATING THE NAVIGATOR, AND CRASH-LANDING THE JET IN GREENLAND.

NAVIGATOR, AND CRASH-LANDING THE JET IN GREENLAND. ONE HUMOROUS NOTE... THERE WERE

JET IN GREENLAND. ONE HUMOROUS NOTE... THERE WERE NO SURVIVORS.

ONE HUMOROUS NOTE... THERE WERE NO SURVIVORS. WELL, THAT'S ALL THE NEWS WE

NO SURVIVORS. WELL, THAT'S ALL THE NEWS WE HAVE TONIGHT.

WELL, THAT'S ALL THE NEWS WE HAVE TONIGHT. GOOD NIGHT AND HAVE A PLEASANT

HAVE TONIGHT. GOOD NIGHT AND HAVE A PLEASANT TOMORROW.

THE MOTHER KNOWS THE KID CAN'T PLAY BASEBALL, RIGHT? SO SHE FINALLY SAYS TO THE KID,

CAN'T PLAY BASEBALL, RIGHT? SO SHE FINALLY SAYS TO THE KID, "YOU KNOW HE CAN'T PLAY

SO SHE FINALLY SAYS TO THE KID, "YOU KNOW HE CAN'T PLAY BASEBALL.

"YOU KNOW HE CAN'T PLAY BASEBALL. WHY DO YOU WANT HIM TO

BASEBALL. WHY DO YOU WANT HIM TO COME OUT?"

WHY DO YOU WANT HIM TO COME OUT?" THE KID SAID, "THAT'S OKAY.

COME OUT?" THE KID SAID, "THAT'S OKAY. WE JUST WANT TO USE HIM FOR

THE KID SAID, "THAT'S OKAY. WE JUST WANT TO USE HIM FOR THIRD BASE."

WE JUST WANT TO USE HIM FOR THIRD BASE." [BOTH LAUGH]

THIRD BASE." [BOTH LAUGH] I LOVE SICK HUMOR.

[BOTH LAUGH] I LOVE SICK HUMOR. IT REALLY WIGS ME OUT.

I LOVE SICK HUMOR. IT REALLY WIGS ME OUT. LIKE, I DIG IT WHEN LENNY BRUCE

IT REALLY WIGS ME OUT. LIKE, I DIG IT WHEN LENNY BRUCE SAYS WE'RE ALL PUNTZES AND WE

LIKE, I DIG IT WHEN LENNY BRUCE SAYS WE'RE ALL PUNTZES AND WE DON'T KNOW OUR SHVUKUSES FROM

SAYS WE'RE ALL PUNTZES AND WE DON'T KNOW OUR SHVUKUSES FROM OUR SHMUPS.

DON'T KNOW OUR SHVUKUSES FROM OUR SHMUPS. OR WHEN HE SAYS, "GO SHTUNK

OUR SHMUPS. OR WHEN HE SAYS, "GO SHTUNK MUD."

OR WHEN HE SAYS, "GO SHTUNK MUD." THAT'S "SHTUP MUD"...

MUD." THAT'S "SHTUP MUD"... "SHTUP."

THAT'S "SHTUP MUD"... "SHTUP." WHAT DO YOU TWO WANT TO DRINK?

"SHTUP." WHAT DO YOU TWO WANT TO DRINK? ALL RIGHT! YEAH!

WHAT DO YOU TWO WANT TO DRINK? ALL RIGHT! YEAH! AND NOW YOU CHICKS AND YOU CATS

ALL RIGHT! YEAH! AND NOW YOU CHICKS AND YOU CATS ARE REALLY GONNA DIG THIS DUDE

AND NOW YOU CHICKS AND YOU CATS ARE REALLY GONNA DIG THIS DUDE FROM SPAIN!

ARE REALLY GONNA DIG THIS DUDE FROM SPAIN! HE'S A FLAMENCO GUITARIST, AND

FROM SPAIN! HE'S A FLAMENCO GUITARIST, AND GUITAR IS HIS SECOND AX, MAN!

HE'S A FLAMENCO GUITARIST, AND GUITAR IS HIS SECOND AX, MAN! HE BUMMED AROUND WITH

GUITAR IS HIS SECOND AX, MAN! HE BUMMED AROUND WITH JACK KEROUAC'S COUSIN.

HE BUMMED AROUND WITH JACK KEROUAC'S COUSIN. JUAN KUTNER!

JACK KEROUAC'S COUSIN. JUAN KUTNER! YEAH, LET'S REALLY DIG HIM.

JUAN KUTNER! YEAH, LET'S REALLY DIG HIM. HE'S A REAL WIGGED-OUT GUY.

YEAH, LET'S REALLY DIG HIM. HE'S A REAL WIGGED-OUT GUY. [APPLAUSE]

YEAH. RIGHT. GROOVY. ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT.

[VOCALIZING LOUDLY]

[VOCALIZES] [MUTTERING IN SPANISH] [PIANO PLAYS]

[MUTTERING IN SPANISH] [PIANO PLAYS] YEAH! RIGHT! HEY!

[PIANO PLAYS] YEAH! RIGHT! HEY! [APPLAUSE]

YEAH! RIGHT! HEY! [APPLAUSE] ALL RIGHT.

[APPLAUSE] ALL RIGHT. YOU KNOW THAT WHEN GINSBERG

ALL RIGHT. YOU KNOW THAT WHEN GINSBERG WAILED WITH THE "HOWL," YOU DIG,

YOU KNOW THAT WHEN GINSBERG WAILED WITH THE "HOWL," YOU DIG, "I HAVE SEEN THE BEST MINDS OF

WAILED WITH THE "HOWL," YOU DIG, "I HAVE SEEN THE BEST MINDS OF MY GENERATION SCREAMING,

"I HAVE SEEN THE BEST MINDS OF MY GENERATION SCREAMING, HYSTERICAL, NAKED, ROAMING

MY GENERATION SCREAMING, HYSTERICAL, NAKED, ROAMING THROUGH THE NEGRO STREETS AT

HYSTERICAL, NAKED, ROAMING THROUGH THE NEGRO STREETS AT DAWN LOOKING FOR AN ANGRY FIX."

THROUGH THE NEGRO STREETS AT DAWN LOOKING FOR AN ANGRY FIX." YOU KNEW HE WAS TALKING ABOUT

DAWN LOOKING FOR AN ANGRY FIX." YOU KNEW HE WAS TALKING ABOUT ONE CAT, MAN, AND THAT CAT WAS

YOU KNEW HE WAS TALKING ABOUT ONE CAT, MAN, AND THAT CAT WAS POET RODNEY CHERNIN.

ONE CAT, MAN, AND THAT CAT WAS POET RODNEY CHERNIN. GO, ROD, GO!

POET RODNEY CHERNIN. GO, ROD, GO! [SCATTERED APPLAUSE]

GO, ROD, GO! [SCATTERED APPLAUSE] "OH, MR. COMMUTER!

[SCATTERED APPLAUSE] "OH, MR. COMMUTER! WASH ME NOT IN YOUR MAD AVE.

"OH, MR. COMMUTER! WASH ME NOT IN YOUR MAD AVE. PAINT-BY-NUMBERS SOAP,

WASH ME NOT IN YOUR MAD AVE. PAINT-BY-NUMBERS SOAP, IN YOUR CHEEZ WHIZ TV DINNER

PAINT-BY-NUMBERS SOAP, IN YOUR CHEEZ WHIZ TV DINNER BATHTUB GRAVEYARD!

IN YOUR CHEEZ WHIZ TV DINNER BATHTUB GRAVEYARD! NOT FOR ME YOUR DRIP-DRY TUNA

BATHTUB GRAVEYARD! NOT FOR ME YOUR DRIP-DRY TUNA CASSEROLE!"

NOT FOR ME YOUR DRIP-DRY TUNA CASSEROLE!" [BONGO RIM SHOT]

CASSEROLE!" [BONGO RIM SHOT] "NOT FOR ME YOUR GRAY-AND-PINK

[BONGO RIM SHOT] "NOT FOR ME YOUR GRAY-AND-PINK POODLE FASCISM!

"NOT FOR ME YOUR GRAY-AND-PINK POODLE FASCISM! I'D RATHER ROLL IN MY OWN PUKE!

POODLE FASCISM! I'D RATHER ROLL IN MY OWN PUKE! FREE AND PROUD TO SMELL!

I'D RATHER ROLL IN MY OWN PUKE! FREE AND PROUD TO SMELL! THIS IS POETRY!

FREE AND PROUD TO SMELL! THIS IS POETRY! IT DOES NOT NEED TO RHYME!

THIS IS POETRY! IT DOES NOT NEED TO RHYME! GA GA!

IT DOES NOT NEED TO RHYME! GA GA! DA DA!

GA GA! DA DA! GOD!

DA DA! GOD! DOG!

GOD! DOG! DOG!

DOG! DOG! GOD!"

DOG! GOD!" GENIUS! AH, GENIUS!

GOD!" GENIUS! AH, GENIUS! "PERIOD!

GENIUS! AH, GENIUS! "PERIOD! COMMA, COMMA!

"PERIOD! COMMA, COMMA! NEW LINE. COLON!

COMMA, COMMA! NEW LINE. COLON! QUESTION MARK?

NEW LINE. COLON! QUESTION MARK? HEAR THE SOUND!

QUESTION MARK? HEAR THE SOUND! HEAR THE SOUND!

HEAR THE SOUND! HEAR THE SOUND! ZOOM!

HEAR THE SOUND! ZOOM! ZOOM!

ZOOM! ZOOM! ZOOM!"

ZOOM! ZOOM!" [MUTTERS]

ZOOM!" [MUTTERS] OH!

[MUTTERS] OH! "ZOOM!

OH! "ZOOM! ZOOM!

"ZOOM! ZOOM! ZOOM!

ZOOM! ZOOM! FALLOUT SHELTER!

ZOOM! FALLOUT SHELTER! SPUTNIK!

FALLOUT SHELTER! SPUTNIK! H-BOMB!

SPUTNIK! H-BOMB! EXPLOSION! EXPLOSION! EXPLOSION!

H-BOMB! EXPLOSION! EXPLOSION! EXPLOSION! BANG!"

EXPLOSION! EXPLOSION! EXPLOSION! BANG!" [APPLAUSE]

BANG!" [APPLAUSE] I PREFER HIS HAIKU.

[APPLAUSE] I PREFER HIS HAIKU. I LOVE JAPANESE MOVIES.

I PREFER HIS HAIKU. I LOVE JAPANESE MOVIES. I MEAN FILMS.

I LOVE JAPANESE MOVIES. I MEAN FILMS. BUT THEY'RE SO NIHILISTIC. I...

I MEAN FILMS. BUT THEY'RE SO NIHILISTIC. I... ANYTHING'S BETTER, UH, THAN

BUT THEY'RE SO NIHILISTIC. I... ANYTHING'S BETTER, UH, THAN HOLLYWOOD, MAN.

ANYTHING'S BETTER, UH, THAN HOLLYWOOD, MAN. I MEAN, JAMES DEAN WENT TO

HOLLYWOOD, MAN. I MEAN, JAMES DEAN WENT TO HOLLYWOOD.

I MEAN, JAMES DEAN WENT TO HOLLYWOOD. LOOK WHAT IT DID TO HIM.

HOLLYWOOD. LOOK WHAT IT DID TO HIM. I'M STUDYING THE METHOD WITH

LOOK WHAT IT DID TO HIM. I'M STUDYING THE METHOD WITH UTA HAGEN.

I'M STUDYING THE METHOD WITH UTA HAGEN. I'D NEVER GO TO HOLLYWOOD.

UTA HAGEN. I'D NEVER GO TO HOLLYWOOD. IT'S NOWHERESVILLE.

I'D NEVER GO TO HOLLYWOOD. IT'S NOWHERESVILLE. AND NOW THE MOST FROM THE

IT'S NOWHERESVILLE. AND NOW THE MOST FROM THE SOUTH.

AND NOW THE MOST FROM THE SOUTH. ALL THE WAY FROM SHREVEPORT,

SOUTH. ALL THE WAY FROM SHREVEPORT, LOUISIANA, HE'S BLIND NEGRO

ALL THE WAY FROM SHREVEPORT, LOUISIANA, HE'S BLIND NEGRO JOSH JACKSON.

LOUISIANA, HE'S BLIND NEGRO JOSH JACKSON. MAYBE SOME OF YOU CATS AND

JOSH JACKSON. MAYBE SOME OF YOU CATS AND CHICKS AREN'T HIP TO THIS, BUT,

MAYBE SOME OF YOU CATS AND CHICKS AREN'T HIP TO THIS, BUT, LIKE, NEGROES HAVE REALLY

CHICKS AREN'T HIP TO THIS, BUT, LIKE, NEGROES HAVE REALLY SUFFERED IN WHITE SOCIETY.

LIKE, NEGROES HAVE REALLY SUFFERED IN WHITE SOCIETY. SO DIG THIS MA-A-A-N.

SUFFERED IN WHITE SOCIETY. SO DIG THIS MA-A-A-N. [SCATTERED APPLAUSE]

SO DIG THIS MA-A-A-N. [SCATTERED APPLAUSE] THANK YOU.

[SCATTERED APPLAUSE] THANK YOU. THANK YOU. THANK YOU.

THANK YOU. THANK YOU. THANK YOU. YEAH, NOW, I'M GOIN' PICK A

THANK YOU. THANK YOU. YEAH, NOW, I'M GOIN' PICK A LITTLE TUNE HERE.

YEAH, NOW, I'M GOIN' PICK A LITTLE TUNE HERE. THIS HERE'S CALLED "THE TROUBLE

LITTLE TUNE HERE. THIS HERE'S CALLED "THE TROUBLE AND MISERY BLUES."

THIS HERE'S CALLED "THE TROUBLE AND MISERY BLUES." [CLEARS THROAT]

AND MISERY BLUES." [CLEARS THROAT] ♪ WELL, I WOKE UP THIS MORNIN' ♪

[CLEARS THROAT] ♪ WELL, I WOKE UP THIS MORNIN' ♪ ♪ AND THE COFFEE WAS COLD ♪

♪ WELL, I WOKE UP THIS MORNIN' ♪ ♪ AND THE COFFEE WAS COLD ♪ ♪ AND THE BABY WAS CRYIN' ♪

♪ AND THE COFFEE WAS COLD ♪ ♪ AND THE BABY WAS CRYIN' ♪ ♪ SO I WENT TO THE CITY ♪

♪ AND THE BABY WAS CRYIN' ♪ ♪ SO I WENT TO THE CITY ♪ ♪ AND A CAR RAN OVER MY FOOT ♪

♪ SO I WENT TO THE CITY ♪ ♪ AND A CAR RAN OVER MY FOOT ♪ [HARMONICA PLAYS]

♪ AND A CAR RAN OVER MY FOOT ♪ [HARMONICA PLAYS] ♪ WAAAAHHH! ♪

[HARMONICA PLAYS] ♪ WAAAAHHH! ♪ ♪ WAAAHHH! ♪

♪ WAAAAHHH! ♪ ♪ WAAAHHH! ♪ ♪ AND I ASKED THE WHITE MAN FOR

♪ WAAAHHH! ♪ ♪ AND I ASKED THE WHITE MAN FOR A JOB ♪

♪ AND I ASKED THE WHITE MAN FOR A JOB ♪ ♪ AND HE WOULDN'T GIVE ME NO

A JOB ♪ ♪ AND HE WOULDN'T GIVE ME NO JOB ♪

♪ AND HE WOULDN'T GIVE ME NO JOB ♪ ♪ AND I GOT HOLES IN MY SHOES ♪

JOB ♪ ♪ AND I GOT HOLES IN MY SHOES ♪ ♪ AND I GOT HOLES IN MY FEET,

♪ AND I GOT HOLES IN MY SHOES ♪ ♪ AND I GOT HOLES IN MY FEET, TOO ♪

♪ AND I GOT HOLES IN MY FEET, TOO ♪ [HARMONICA PLAYS]

TOO ♪ [HARMONICA PLAYS] ♪ WAAAHHH! ♪

[HARMONICA PLAYS] ♪ WAAAHHH! ♪ ♪ WAAAHHH! ♪

♪ WAAAHHH! ♪ ♪ WAAAHHH! ♪ [HARMONICA PLAYS]

♪ WAAAHHH! ♪ [HARMONICA PLAYS] ♪ AND I GOT $5 FOR THE WINTER ♪

[HARMONICA PLAYS] ♪ AND I GOT $5 FOR THE WINTER ♪ ♪ AND THE RATS IS GNAWIN' ON

♪ AND I GOT $5 FOR THE WINTER ♪ ♪ AND THE RATS IS GNAWIN' ON MAMA'S OLD CHURCH HAT ♪

♪ AND THE RATS IS GNAWIN' ON MAMA'S OLD CHURCH HAT ♪ ♪ WAAAHHH! ♪

MAMA'S OLD CHURCH HAT ♪ ♪ WAAAHHH! ♪ ♪ WAAAHHH! ♪

♪ WAAAHHH! ♪ ♪ WAAAHHH! ♪ [HARMONICA PLAYS]

♪ WAAAHHH! ♪ [HARMONICA PLAYS] ♪ AND I WAS BLIND YESTERDAY ♪

[HARMONICA PLAYS] ♪ AND I WAS BLIND YESTERDAY ♪ ♪ I'M BLIND TODAY ♪

♪ AND I WAS BLIND YESTERDAY ♪ ♪ I'M BLIND TODAY ♪ ♪ GOIN' BE BLI-I-I-ND TOMORROW ♪

♪ I'M BLIND TODAY ♪ ♪ GOIN' BE BLI-I-I-ND TOMORROW ♪ [HARMONICA PLAYS]

♪ GOIN' BE BLI-I-I-ND TOMORROW ♪ [HARMONICA PLAYS] [APPLAUSE]

[HARMONICA PLAYS] [APPLAUSE] THANK YOU. THANK YOU.

[APPLAUSE] THANK YOU. THANK YOU. GREAT STUFF, MAN.

THANK YOU. THANK YOU. GREAT STUFF, MAN. YOU KNOW, I LOVED SIDNEY POITIER

GREAT STUFF, MAN. YOU KNOW, I LOVED SIDNEY POITIER IN "THE DEFIANT ONES."

YOU KNOW, I LOVED SIDNEY POITIER IN "THE DEFIANT ONES." HE WAS GREAT. SIT DOWN, BABY.

IN "THE DEFIANT ONES." HE WAS GREAT. SIT DOWN, BABY. LIKE, THEY ARE SO REAL.

HE WAS GREAT. SIT DOWN, BABY. LIKE, THEY ARE SO REAL. ME TOO.

LIKE, THEY ARE SO REAL. ME TOO. I THINK WE ALL HAVE SO MUCH TO

ME TOO. I THINK WE ALL HAVE SO MUCH TO LEARN FROM NEGROES.

I THINK WE ALL HAVE SO MUCH TO LEARN FROM NEGROES. AND NOW THE MOHEL OF THE

LEARN FROM NEGROES. AND NOW THE MOHEL OF THE BOILS OF SOCIETY!

AND NOW THE MOHEL OF THE BOILS OF SOCIETY! A CAT WHO CUTS THROUGH THE

BOILS OF SOCIETY! A CAT WHO CUTS THROUGH THE MALADIES OF TRUTH!

A CAT WHO CUTS THROUGH THE MALADIES OF TRUTH! THIS CAT IS TOO WIGGED OUT FOR

MALADIES OF TRUTH! THIS CAT IS TOO WIGGED OUT FOR THE IDIOT BOX.

THIS CAT IS TOO WIGGED OUT FOR THE IDIOT BOX. YOU'LL NEVER CATCH HIM ON

THE IDIOT BOX. YOU'LL NEVER CATCH HIM ON "STEVE ALLEN," MAN.

YOU'LL NEVER CATCH HIM ON "STEVE ALLEN," MAN. HERE HE IS... THE WORLD'S

"STEVE ALLEN," MAN. HERE HE IS... THE WORLD'S MOST PARANOID HIP COMIC...

HERE HE IS... THE WORLD'S MOST PARANOID HIP COMIC... SHELLEY BAYLESS.

MOST PARANOID HIP COMIC... SHELLEY BAYLESS. [SCATTERED APPLAUSE]

SHELLEY BAYLESS. [SCATTERED APPLAUSE] HI.

[SCATTERED APPLAUSE] HI. HEY, MAN. HA!

HI. HEY, MAN. HA! LIKE, I WORE THE SHADES 'CAUSE

HEY, MAN. HA! LIKE, I WORE THE SHADES 'CAUSE CANDLES ARE TOO BRIGHT, YOU DIG?

LIKE, I WORE THE SHADES 'CAUSE CANDLES ARE TOO BRIGHT, YOU DIG? YEAH!

CANDLES ARE TOO BRIGHT, YOU DIG? YEAH! WHAT'S THE MATTER, MAN?

YEAH! WHAT'S THE MATTER, MAN? DIDN'T SELL ENOUGH LIFE

WHAT'S THE MATTER, MAN? DIDN'T SELL ENOUGH LIFE INSURANCE TODAY?

DIDN'T SELL ENOUGH LIFE INSURANCE TODAY? IS THAT IT? HUH?

INSURANCE TODAY? IS THAT IT? HUH? WHAT ARE YOU LOOKIN' AT?

IS THAT IT? HUH? WHAT ARE YOU LOOKIN' AT? WHAT?

WHAT ARE YOU LOOKIN' AT? WHAT? CIGARETTE, MAN. HUH?

WHAT? CIGARETTE, MAN. HUH? WHAT ARE YOU, A COP? HUH?

CIGARETTE, MAN. HUH? WHAT ARE YOU, A COP? HUH? WHAT ARE YOU...

WHAT ARE YOU, A COP? HUH? WHAT ARE YOU... YOU'RE ALL COPS, RIGHT?

WHAT ARE YOU... YOU'RE ALL COPS, RIGHT? YOU'RE ALL COPS, AND YOU DON'T

YOU'RE ALL COPS, RIGHT? YOU'RE ALL COPS, AND YOU DON'T KNOW IT, MAN.

YOU'RE ALL COPS, AND YOU DON'T KNOW IT, MAN. YOU SEE?

KNOW IT, MAN. YOU SEE? THAT'S ALL RIGHT.

YOU SEE? THAT'S ALL RIGHT. OOH. COOL. RIGHT.

THAT'S ALL RIGHT. OOH. COOL. RIGHT. I-I THOUGHT I WAS DIMINISHING,

OOH. COOL. RIGHT. I-I THOUGHT I WAS DIMINISHING, BUT I GUESS I WAS AUGMENTING.

I-I THOUGHT I WAS DIMINISHING, BUT I GUESS I WAS AUGMENTING. HA HA!

BUT I GUESS I WAS AUGMENTING. HA HA! THAT'S RIGHT.

HA HA! THAT'S RIGHT. HEY, DIG THE DUDE.

THAT'S RIGHT. HEY, DIG THE DUDE. THE CAT OVER THERE.

HEY, DIG THE DUDE. THE CAT OVER THERE. DIG THE SCALES ON HIM, HUH?

THE CAT OVER THERE. DIG THE SCALES ON HIM, HUH? THAT'S A MAJOR?

DIG THE SCALES ON HIM, HUH? THAT'S A MAJOR? THAT IS.

THAT'S A MAJOR? THAT IS. THAT'S A MAJOR.

THAT IS. THAT'S A MAJOR. HEY. HEY-HEY.

THAT'S A MAJOR. HEY. HEY-HEY. YOU SEE, ALL YOU CATS WHO DIG,

HEY. HEY-HEY. YOU SEE, ALL YOU CATS WHO DIG, LIKE, EISENHOWER, YOU KNOW,

YOU SEE, ALL YOU CATS WHO DIG, LIKE, EISENHOWER, YOU KNOW, LIKE, UH, YOU KNOW, WHO DON'T

LIKE, EISENHOWER, YOU KNOW, LIKE, UH, YOU KNOW, WHO DON'T SHARE THE DOOGIE WITH THE

LIKE, UH, YOU KNOW, WHO DON'T SHARE THE DOOGIE WITH THE SKEEZO, YOU KNOW, WITH THE BAND,

SHARE THE DOOGIE WITH THE SKEEZO, YOU KNOW, WITH THE BAND, YOU DIG?

SKEEZO, YOU KNOW, WITH THE BAND, YOU DIG? YEAH?

YOU DIG? YEAH? WHAT DO YOU WANT, MAN, HUH?

YEAH? WHAT DO YOU WANT, MAN, HUH? WHAT? YOU WANT JOKES?

WHAT DO YOU WANT, MAN, HUH? WHAT? YOU WANT JOKES? YOU WANT IMITATION?

WHAT? YOU WANT JOKES? YOU WANT IMITATION? WHAT DO YOU WANT? MARLON BRANDO?

YOU WANT IMITATION? WHAT DO YOU WANT? MARLON BRANDO? "YOU WAS MY BROTHER, CHARLEY.

WHAT DO YOU WANT? MARLON BRANDO? "YOU WAS MY BROTHER, CHARLEY. DON'T YOU REMEMBER THAT NIGHT IN

"YOU WAS MY BROTHER, CHARLEY. DON'T YOU REMEMBER THAT NIGHT IN THE GARDEN?

DON'T YOU REMEMBER THAT NIGHT IN THE GARDEN? YOU CAME DOWN.

THE GARDEN? YOU CAME DOWN. YOU SAID, 'KID, IT AIN'T YOUR

YOU CAME DOWN. YOU SAID, 'KID, IT AIN'T YOUR NIGHT.

YOU SAID, 'KID, IT AIN'T YOUR NIGHT. WE'RE GOIN' FOR THE PRICE ON

NIGHT. WE'RE GOIN' FOR THE PRICE ON WILSON.'

WE'RE GOIN' FOR THE PRICE ON WILSON.' MY NIGHT!"

WILSON.' MY NIGHT!" IS WHAT YOU WANT, MAN, HUH?

MY NIGHT!" IS WHAT YOU WANT, MAN, HUH? IS WHAT YOU WANT? HUH?

IS WHAT YOU WANT, MAN, HUH? IS WHAT YOU WANT? HUH? WELL, DIG, MAN.

IS WHAT YOU WANT? HUH? WELL, DIG, MAN. IF YOU KNEW WHAT WAS COPACETIC

WELL, DIG, MAN. IF YOU KNEW WHAT WAS COPACETIC ABOUT REITERATING THE CODA,

IF YOU KNEW WHAT WAS COPACETIC ABOUT REITERATING THE CODA, YOU COULD BANG IT UP FROM

ABOUT REITERATING THE CODA, YOU COULD BANG IT UP FROM ACROSS THE STREET, MAN.

YOU COULD BANG IT UP FROM ACROSS THE STREET, MAN. YOU DIG? YOU DIG?

ACROSS THE STREET, MAN. YOU DIG? YOU DIG? BECAUSE I KNOW THE TRUTH.

YOU DIG? YOU DIG? BECAUSE I KNOW THE TRUTH. BY THE TIME YOU FIND OUT, YOU

BECAUSE I KNOW THE TRUTH. BY THE TIME YOU FIND OUT, YOU KNOW, IT'LL BE IN MY VEIN AND

BY THE TIME YOU FIND OUT, YOU KNOW, IT'LL BE IN MY VEIN AND UNDERGROUND, YOU KNOW, 'CAUSE

KNOW, IT'LL BE IN MY VEIN AND UNDERGROUND, YOU KNOW, 'CAUSE YOU CAN'T STOP IT.

UNDERGROUND, YOU KNOW, 'CAUSE YOU CAN'T STOP IT. WOW!

YOU CAN'T STOP IT. WOW! SHELLEY BAYLESS.

WOW! SHELLEY BAYLESS. [APPLAUSE]

SHELLEY BAYLESS. [APPLAUSE] NOW HERE'S A CRAZY CHICK.

[APPLAUSE] NOW HERE'S A CRAZY CHICK. THIS CHICK SWINGS WITH A

NOW HERE'S A CRAZY CHICK. THIS CHICK SWINGS WITH A DIFFERENT DRUMMER... LIKE, WOW,

THIS CHICK SWINGS WITH A DIFFERENT DRUMMER... LIKE, WOW, ZEN POETRY IN MOTION, MAN.

DIFFERENT DRUMMER... LIKE, WOW, ZEN POETRY IN MOTION, MAN. LET'S ALL GROOVE ON THE DANCE

ZEN POETRY IN MOTION, MAN. LET'S ALL GROOVE ON THE DANCE MOVES OF ISADORA SCHWARTZ.

LET'S ALL GROOVE ON THE DANCE MOVES OF ISADORA SCHWARTZ. WILD BABY, WILD.

MOVES OF ISADORA SCHWARTZ. WILD BABY, WILD. I AM A LEAF...

WILD BABY, WILD. I AM A LEAF... TOSSED IN THE WIND.

I AM A LEAF... TOSSED IN THE WIND. OH, THOU WIND!

TOSSED IN THE WIND. OH, THOU WIND! BLOW, BLOW, BLOW ME AWAY!

OH, THOU WIND! BLOW, BLOW, BLOW ME AWAY! THE FIRST DEMAND OF ONTOLOGICAL

BLOW, BLOW, BLOW ME AWAY! THE FIRST DEMAND OF ONTOLOGICAL EMPIRICISM IS TO FIND YOURSELF!

THE FIRST DEMAND OF ONTOLOGICAL EMPIRICISM IS TO FIND YOURSELF! DEPRESSION!

EMPIRICISM IS TO FIND YOURSELF! DEPRESSION! DOWN!

DEPRESSION! DOWN! DOWN!

DOWN! DOWN! DOWN!

DOWN! DOWN! KNIFE!

DOWN! KNIFE! BLOOD!

KNIFE! BLOOD! BLEED!

BLOOD! BLEED! BLACK!

BLEED! BLACK! BLACK!

BLACK! BLACK! BLACK!

BLACK! BLACK! BLOW!

BLACK! BLOW! DEATH.

BLOW! DEATH. LIFE.

DEATH. LIFE. I DANCE LIKE THE WIND.

LIFE. I DANCE LIKE THE WIND. THE WIND!

[APPLAUSE] ALL RIGHT! CRAZY! ALL RIGHT! CRAZY!

ALL RIGHT! CRAZY! ALL RIGHT! CRAZY! AND NOW LET'S PAUSE FOR THE

ALL RIGHT! CRAZY! AND NOW LET'S PAUSE FOR THE CAUSE WITH A LITTLE MUSICAL

AND NOW LET'S PAUSE FOR THE CAUSE WITH A LITTLE MUSICAL INTERLUDE, CATS AND CHICKS!

Announcer: SHELLEY BAYLESS...

GOOD EVENING, AND WELCOME TO "LOOKS AT BOOKS." I'M JANE CURTIN, AND OUR GUEST

TO "LOOKS AT BOOKS." I'M JANE CURTIN, AND OUR GUEST TONIGHT HAS WRITTEN A MOST

I'M JANE CURTIN, AND OUR GUEST TONIGHT HAS WRITTEN A MOST INTERESTING BOOK CALLED

TONIGHT HAS WRITTEN A MOST INTERESTING BOOK CALLED "SEX & SPORTS."

INTERESTING BOOK CALLED "SEX & SPORTS." PLEASE WELCOME

"SEX & SPORTS." PLEASE WELCOME DR. LLOYD KAUFMANN.

PLEASE WELCOME DR. LLOYD KAUFMANN. WELCOME TO OUR SHOW.

DR. LLOYD KAUFMANN. WELCOME TO OUR SHOW. THANK YOU.

WELCOME TO OUR SHOW. THANK YOU. TELL US, DR. KAUFMANN,

THANK YOU. TELL US, DR. KAUFMANN, EXACTLY WHAT IS YOUR BOOK ABOUT?

TELL US, DR. KAUFMANN, EXACTLY WHAT IS YOUR BOOK ABOUT? WELL, I JUST COMPLETED A

EXACTLY WHAT IS YOUR BOOK ABOUT? WELL, I JUST COMPLETED A 10-YEAR STUDY EXAMINING THE

WELL, I JUST COMPLETED A 10-YEAR STUDY EXAMINING THE EFFECTS THAT SEXUAL ACTIVITY HAS

10-YEAR STUDY EXAMINING THE EFFECTS THAT SEXUAL ACTIVITY HAS ON ATHLETIC PERFORMANCE.

EFFECTS THAT SEXUAL ACTIVITY HAS ON ATHLETIC PERFORMANCE. NOW, THIS HAS BEEN A CONTROVERSY

ON ATHLETIC PERFORMANCE. NOW, THIS HAS BEEN A CONTROVERSY FOR QUITE SOME TIME.

NOW, THIS HAS BEEN A CONTROVERSY FOR QUITE SOME TIME. MANY COACHES MAINTAIN THAT

FOR QUITE SOME TIME. MANY COACHES MAINTAIN THAT ABSTENTION IS PREFERABLE PRIOR

MANY COACHES MAINTAIN THAT ABSTENTION IS PREFERABLE PRIOR TO AN ATHLETIC EVENT, BECAUSE

ABSTENTION IS PREFERABLE PRIOR TO AN ATHLETIC EVENT, BECAUSE SEX DEPLETES ONE'S STRENGTH.

TO AN ATHLETIC EVENT, BECAUSE SEX DEPLETES ONE'S STRENGTH. THEREFORE, THE ATHLETE DOESN'T

SEX DEPLETES ONE'S STRENGTH. THEREFORE, THE ATHLETE DOESN'T DO AS WELL.

THEREFORE, THE ATHLETE DOESN'T DO AS WELL. THAT'S VERY INTERESTING.

DO AS WELL. THAT'S VERY INTERESTING. HOW WAS THIS STUDY DONE?

THAT'S VERY INTERESTING. HOW WAS THIS STUDY DONE? I EMPLOYED A STRICT

HOW WAS THIS STUDY DONE? I EMPLOYED A STRICT SCIENTIFIC METHOD, USING OVER

I EMPLOYED A STRICT SCIENTIFIC METHOD, USING OVER 500 ATHLETES, ONE HALF OF WHOM

SCIENTIFIC METHOD, USING OVER 500 ATHLETES, ONE HALF OF WHOM DID HAVE SEX PRIOR TO SPORTS,

500 ATHLETES, ONE HALF OF WHOM DID HAVE SEX PRIOR TO SPORTS, AND THE OTHERS DID NOT.

DID HAVE SEX PRIOR TO SPORTS, AND THE OTHERS DID NOT. NOW THIS, OF COURSE, WAS ALL

AND THE OTHERS DID NOT. NOW THIS, OF COURSE, WAS ALL DONE IN COMPLETE CONFIDENCE.

NOW THIS, OF COURSE, WAS ALL DONE IN COMPLETE CONFIDENCE. DID YOU USE ANONYMOUS

DONE IN COMPLETE CONFIDENCE. DID YOU USE ANONYMOUS QUESTIONNAIRES, LIKE KINSEY, OR

DID YOU USE ANONYMOUS QUESTIONNAIRES, LIKE KINSEY, OR DID YOU CONDUCT PRIVATE

QUESTIONNAIRES, LIKE KINSEY, OR DID YOU CONDUCT PRIVATE CONVERSATIONS, LIKE MASTERS AND

DID YOU CONDUCT PRIVATE CONVERSATIONS, LIKE MASTERS AND JOHNSON?

CONVERSATIONS, LIKE MASTERS AND JOHNSON? NO, I EMPLOYED A DIFFERENT

JOHNSON? NO, I EMPLOYED A DIFFERENT KIND OF METHOD INVOLVING

NO, I EMPLOYED A DIFFERENT KIND OF METHOD INVOLVING BINOCULARS AND, UH, SPENDING

KIND OF METHOD INVOLVING BINOCULARS AND, UH, SPENDING MANY HOURS ACROSS THE STREET

BINOCULARS AND, UH, SPENDING MANY HOURS ACROSS THE STREET FROM THE SUBJECT'S WINDOW.

MANY HOURS ACROSS THE STREET FROM THE SUBJECT'S WINDOW. OH, I SEE.

FROM THE SUBJECT'S WINDOW. OH, I SEE. YOUR BOOK DEALS WITH ALL SPORTS?

OH, I SEE. YOUR BOOK DEALS WITH ALL SPORTS? YES, IT DOES.

YOUR BOOK DEALS WITH ALL SPORTS? YES, IT DOES. AND SINCE THIS IS THE

YES, IT DOES. AND SINCE THIS IS THE WORLD SERIES TIME, I WAS

AND SINCE THIS IS THE WORLD SERIES TIME, I WAS ESPECIALLY INTERESTED IN YOUR

WORLD SERIES TIME, I WAS ESPECIALLY INTERESTED IN YOUR CHAPTER CALLED, "BASE ON BALLS."

ESPECIALLY INTERESTED IN YOUR CHAPTER CALLED, "BASE ON BALLS." I UNDERSTAND THAT YOU BROUGHT

CHAPTER CALLED, "BASE ON BALLS." I UNDERSTAND THAT YOU BROUGHT ALONG SOME FILM.

I UNDERSTAND THAT YOU BROUGHT ALONG SOME FILM. YES, WE FOUND THAT ABSTENTION

ALONG SOME FILM. YES, WE FOUND THAT ABSTENTION FROM SEX HELPS ONE'S ATHLETIC

YES, WE FOUND THAT ABSTENTION FROM SEX HELPS ONE'S ATHLETIC PERFORMANCE, AND I THINK THESE

FROM SEX HELPS ONE'S ATHLETIC PERFORMANCE, AND I THINK THESE FILMS CAN SHOW THAT.

PERFORMANCE, AND I THINK THESE FILMS CAN SHOW THAT. CAN YOU ROLL THE FILMS, PLEASE?

FILMS CAN SHOW THAT. CAN YOU ROLL THE FILMS, PLEASE? NOW THIS BATTER WAS COMING OFF A

CAN YOU ROLL THE FILMS, PLEASE? NOW THIS BATTER WAS COMING OFF A BAD SEASON, AND HE DECIDED TO

NOW THIS BATTER WAS COMING OFF A BAD SEASON, AND HE DECIDED TO ABSTAIN, AND IT HELPED HIS

BAD SEASON, AND HE DECIDED TO ABSTAIN, AND IT HELPED HIS PERFORMANCE REMARKABLY.

ABSTAIN, AND IT HELPED HIS PERFORMANCE REMARKABLY. HE HIT HOME RUNS AND WAS A BIG

PERFORMANCE REMARKABLY. HE HIT HOME RUNS AND WAS A BIG HELP TO HIS TEAM.

HE HIT HOME RUNS AND WAS A BIG HELP TO HIS TEAM. VERY INTERESTING.

HELP TO HIS TEAM. VERY INTERESTING. I SEE HE HAS A LOT...

VERY INTERESTING. I SEE HE HAS A LOT... NOW, HERE'S A TERRIFIC

I SEE HE HAS A LOT... NOW, HERE'S A TERRIFIC DEFENSIVE PLAY BY SOMEONE WHO

NOW, HERE'S A TERRIFIC DEFENSIVE PLAY BY SOMEONE WHO TOOK A VOW OF CELIBACY AFTER

DEFENSIVE PLAY BY SOMEONE WHO TOOK A VOW OF CELIBACY AFTER JOINING A RELIGIOUS CULT.

TOOK A VOW OF CELIBACY AFTER JOINING A RELIGIOUS CULT. [CLEARS THROAT]

JOINING A RELIGIOUS CULT. [CLEARS THROAT] NOW, THESE MEN, FOR ONE

[CLEARS THROAT] NOW, THESE MEN, FOR ONE REASON OR ANOTHER, ABSTAINED

NOW, THESE MEN, FOR ONE REASON OR ANOTHER, ABSTAINED FROM SEX.

REASON OR ANOTHER, ABSTAINED FROM SEX. THAT'S RIGHT.

FROM SEX. THAT'S RIGHT. NOW, WHAT ABOUT THE OTHERS?

THAT'S RIGHT. NOW, WHAT ABOUT THE OTHERS? WELL, I HAVE SOME FILM.

NOW, WHAT ABOUT THE OTHERS? WELL, I HAVE SOME FILM. I HAVE SHOWN THAT THE MEN WHO

WELL, I HAVE SOME FILM. I HAVE SHOWN THAT THE MEN WHO DID ABSTAIN WERE SOMEWHAT

I HAVE SHOWN THAT THE MEN WHO DID ABSTAIN WERE SOMEWHAT HAMPERED, AND AS CLOSER THE

DID ABSTAIN WERE SOMEWHAT HAMPERED, AND AS CLOSER THE SPORTS GOT TO THE ATHLETIC

HAMPERED, AND AS CLOSER THE SPORTS GOT TO THE ATHLETIC EVENT, THEN THEIR PERFORMANCE

SPORTS GOT TO THE ATHLETIC EVENT, THEN THEIR PERFORMANCE WOULD HAMPER ACCORDINGLY.

EVENT, THEN THEIR PERFORMANCE WOULD HAMPER ACCORDINGLY. SO, MAYBE WE CAN ROLL THE FILM

WOULD HAMPER ACCORDINGLY. SO, MAYBE WE CAN ROLL THE FILM ON THAT, PLEASE.

SO, MAYBE WE CAN ROLL THE FILM ON THAT, PLEASE. NOW THE LEFT FIELDER IN THIS

ON THAT, PLEASE. NOW THE LEFT FIELDER IN THIS PLAY HAD SEX ONE WEEK PRIOR TO

NOW THE LEFT FIELDER IN THIS PLAY HAD SEX ONE WEEK PRIOR TO THE BIG GAME, AS DID THE PITCHER

PLAY HAD SEX ONE WEEK PRIOR TO THE BIG GAME, AS DID THE PITCHER IN THIS PLAY.

THE BIG GAME, AS DID THE PITCHER IN THIS PLAY. NOW, THIS CATCHER WAS TEASED THE

IN THIS PLAY. NOW, THIS CATCHER WAS TEASED THE NIGHT BEFORE THE GAME.

NOW, THIS CATCHER WAS TEASED THE NIGHT BEFORE THE GAME. AND IT'S NO SURPRISE THAT

NIGHT BEFORE THE GAME. AND IT'S NO SURPRISE THAT THESE TWO PLAYERS HERE WERE SEEN

AND IT'S NO SURPRISE THAT THESE TWO PLAYERS HERE WERE SEEN WITH A FEW HOOKERS ON THE WAY TO

THESE TWO PLAYERS HERE WERE SEEN WITH A FEW HOOKERS ON THE WAY TO THE BALLPARK.

NOW, NOTE THE CENTER FIELDER IN THIS PLAY. HE VISITED HIS WIFE IN THE

IN THIS PLAY. HE VISITED HIS WIFE IN THE LOCKER ROOM BETWEEN INNINGS.

HE VISITED HIS WIFE IN THE LOCKER ROOM BETWEEN INNINGS. NOW, THIS IS INTERESTING.

LOCKER ROOM BETWEEN INNINGS. NOW, THIS IS INTERESTING. THE GIRLFRIEND OF THIS PITCHER

NOW, THIS IS INTERESTING. THE GIRLFRIEND OF THIS PITCHER HAD SEX WITH THIS BATTER DURING

THE GIRLFRIEND OF THIS PITCHER HAD SEX WITH THIS BATTER DURING THE SEVENTH-INNING STRETCH...

HAD SEX WITH THIS BATTER DURING THE SEVENTH-INNING STRETCH... AND WITH EVERYONE ELSE DURING

THE SEVENTH-INNING STRETCH... AND WITH EVERYONE ELSE DURING THE NATIONAL ANTHEM.

AND WITH EVERYONE ELSE DURING THE NATIONAL ANTHEM. NOT A PLEASANT SIGHT, BUT STILL

THE NATIONAL ANTHEM. NOT A PLEASANT SIGHT, BUT STILL I THINK IT ILLUSTRATES THE

NOT A PLEASANT SIGHT, BUT STILL I THINK IT ILLUSTRATES THE RESULTS IN MY FINDINGS.

I THINK IT ILLUSTRATES THE RESULTS IN MY FINDINGS. VERY CLEARLY.

RESULTS IN MY FINDINGS. VERY CLEARLY. THANK YOU VERY MUCH FOR JOINING

VERY CLEARLY. THANK YOU VERY MUCH FOR JOINING US, AND I'M SURE EVERYONE IS

THANK YOU VERY MUCH FOR JOINING US, AND I'M SURE EVERYONE IS LOOKING FORWARD TO YOUR NEXT

US, AND I'M SURE EVERYONE IS LOOKING FORWARD TO YOUR NEXT STUDY, WHICH IS?

LOOKING FORWARD TO YOUR NEXT STUDY, WHICH IS? UM, THE, UH, NEXT BOOK I'M

STUDY, WHICH IS? UM, THE, UH, NEXT BOOK I'M GOING TO DO IS TITLED, "SEX AND

UM, THE, UH, NEXT BOOK I'M GOING TO DO IS TITLED, "SEX AND SEX."

GOING TO DO IS TITLED, "SEX AND SEX." AH.

SEX." AH. SEE, I FOUND THAT IF ONE IS

AH. SEE, I FOUND THAT IF ONE IS GOING TO HAVE SEX, HIS

SEE, I FOUND THAT IF ONE IS GOING TO HAVE SEX, HIS PERFORMANCE WILL BE BETTER IF HE

GOING TO HAVE SEX, HIS PERFORMANCE WILL BE BETTER IF HE DOESN'T HAVE SEX RIGHT BEFORE

PERFORMANCE WILL BE BETTER IF HE DOESN'T HAVE SEX RIGHT BEFORE DOING IT.

DOESN'T HAVE SEX RIGHT BEFORE DOING IT. I SEE.

DOING IT. I SEE. WELL, THANK YOU AGAIN, AND THANK

I SEE. WELL, THANK YOU AGAIN, AND THANK YOU.

WELL, THANK YOU AGAIN, AND THANK YOU. AND COMING UP IS A FILM BY

YOU. AND COMING UP IS A FILM BY GARY WEIS.

AND COMING UP IS A FILM BY GARY WEIS. [APPLAUSE]

UP HERE, ON THE 27th FLOOR, I LOOK DOWN ON THE CITY I HATE AND ADORE.

I LOOK DOWN ON THE CITY I HATE AND ADORE. [Lip-synching] ♪ IT'S

AND ADORE. [Lip-synching] ♪ IT'S AUTUMN IN NEW YORK ♪

[Lip-synching] ♪ IT'S AUTUMN IN NEW YORK ♪ [Lip-synching] ♪ THAT

AUTUMN IN NEW YORK ♪ [Lip-synching] ♪ THAT BRINGS THE PROMISE OF NEW

[Lip-synching] ♪ THAT BRINGS THE PROMISE OF NEW LOVE ♪

BRINGS THE PROMISE OF NEW LOVE ♪ [Lip-synching] ♪ AUTUMN IN

LOVE ♪ [Lip-synching] ♪ AUTUMN IN NEW YORK ♪

[Lip-synching] ♪ AUTUMN IN NEW YORK ♪ [Lip-synching] ♪ IT'S OFTEN

NEW YORK ♪ [Lip-synching] ♪ IT'S OFTEN MINGLED WITH PAIN ♪

[Lip-synching] ♪ IT'S OFTEN MINGLED WITH PAIN ♪ [Lip-synching] ♪ GLITTERING

MINGLED WITH PAIN ♪ [Lip-synching] ♪ GLITTERING CROWDS ♪

[Lip-synching] ♪ GLITTERING CROWDS ♪ ♪ AND SHIMMERING CLOUDS ♪

CROWDS ♪ ♪ AND SHIMMERING CLOUDS ♪ [Lip-synching] ♪ AND

♪ AND SHIMMERING CLOUDS ♪ [Lip-synching] ♪ AND CANYONS OF STEEL ♪

[Lip-synching] ♪ AND CANYONS OF STEEL ♪ ♪ THEY'RE MAKING ME FEEL I'M

CANYONS OF STEEL ♪ ♪ THEY'RE MAKING ME FEEL I'M HOME ♪

♪ THEY'RE MAKING ME FEEL I'M HOME ♪ [Lip-synching] ♪ DREAMERS

HOME ♪ [Lip-synching] ♪ DREAMERS WITH EMPTY HANDS ♪

[Lip-synching] ♪ DREAMERS WITH EMPTY HANDS ♪ ♪ THEY SIGH FOR EXOTIC LANDS ♪

WITH EMPTY HANDS ♪ ♪ THEY SIGH FOR EXOTIC LANDS ♪ [Lip-synching] ♪ AUTUMN IN

♪ THEY SIGH FOR EXOTIC LANDS ♪ [Lip-synching] ♪ AUTUMN IN NEW YORK ♪

[Lip-synching] ♪ AUTUMN IN NEW YORK ♪ [Lip-synching] ♪ IT'S GOOD

NEW YORK ♪ [Lip-synching] ♪ IT'S GOOD TO LIVE IT AGAIN ♪

[Lip-synching] ♪ IT'S GOOD TO LIVE IT AGAIN ♪ [Lip-synching] ♪ LOVERS

TO LIVE IT AGAIN ♪ [Lip-synching] ♪ LOVERS THAT BLESS THE DARK ♪

[Lip-synching] ♪ LOVERS THAT BLESS THE DARK ♪ [Lip-synching] ♪ ON BENCHES

THAT BLESS THE DARK ♪ [Lip-synching] ♪ ON BENCHES IN CENTRAL PARK ♪

[Lip-synching] ♪ ON BENCHES IN CENTRAL PARK ♪ ♪ GREET AUTUMN IN NEW YORK ♪

IN CENTRAL PARK ♪ ♪ GREET AUTUMN IN NEW YORK ♪ ♪ IT'S GOOD TO LIVE IT

♪ GREET AUTUMN IN NEW YORK ♪ ♪ IT'S GOOD TO LIVE IT AGAIN ♪

I KNOW, I KNOW. YOU KNOW, MURR, IT'S REALLY TOUGH OUT THERE.

YOU KNOW, MURR, IT'S REALLY TOUGH OUT THERE. I'LL TELL YOU, MURR, YOU KNOW,

TOUGH OUT THERE. I'LL TELL YOU, MURR, YOU KNOW, THE HARDEST PART OF DOING THE

I'LL TELL YOU, MURR, YOU KNOW, THE HARDEST PART OF DOING THE NEWS IS I CAN'T BEND DOWN

THE HARDEST PART OF DOING THE NEWS IS I CAN'T BEND DOWN DURING IT.

NEWS IS I CAN'T BEND DOWN DURING IT. AND SOMETIMES IT'S THE ONLY

DURING IT. AND SOMETIMES IT'S THE ONLY THING THAT'S ON MY MIND.

AND SOMETIMES IT'S THE ONLY THING THAT'S ON MY MIND. I'LL BE OUT THERE DOING THE

THING THAT'S ON MY MIND. I'LL BE OUT THERE DOING THE SHOW, AND I'LL BE THINKING, "I

I'LL BE OUT THERE DOING THE SHOW, AND I'LL BE THINKING, "I CAN'T BEND DOWN!"

SHOW, AND I'LL BE THINKING, "I CAN'T BEND DOWN!" HI, MARE!

CAN'T BEND DOWN!" HI, MARE! HEY, MARE, YOU DON'T SPELL

HI, MARE! HEY, MARE, YOU DON'T SPELL "MINNESOTA" WITH THREE 5s AND

HEY, MARE, YOU DON'T SPELL "MINNESOTA" WITH THREE 5s AND FOUR 7s.

"MINNESOTA" WITH THREE 5s AND FOUR 7s. THAT'S HOW YOU SPELL "PETER."

FOUR 7s. THAT'S HOW YOU SPELL "PETER." MARY?

THAT'S HOW YOU SPELL "PETER." MARY? ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?

MARY? ARE YOU ALL RIGHT? MARY... MARY, WHAT'S WRONG?

ARE YOU ALL RIGHT? MARY... MARY, WHAT'S WRONG? OH, SHE'S PROBABLY JUST

MARY... MARY, WHAT'S WRONG? OH, SHE'S PROBABLY JUST DEPRESSED 'CAUSE SHE HAD TO WEAR

OH, SHE'S PROBABLY JUST DEPRESSED 'CAUSE SHE HAD TO WEAR THE SAME OUTFIT TWICE IN ONE

DEPRESSED 'CAUSE SHE HAD TO WEAR THE SAME OUTFIT TWICE IN ONE YEAR.

THE SAME OUTFIT TWICE IN ONE YEAR. I DON'T THINK MARY'S

YEAR. I DON'T THINK MARY'S DEPRESSED, TED.

I DON'T THINK MARY'S DEPRESSED, TED. I THINK SHE'S DEAD!

DEPRESSED, TED. I THINK SHE'S DEAD! COME ON, MURRAY, SHE

I THINK SHE'S DEAD! COME ON, MURRAY, SHE CAN'T BE DEAD.

COME ON, MURRAY, SHE CAN'T BE DEAD. SHE'S BUSY.

CAN'T BE DEAD. SHE'S BUSY. DEAD PEOPLE ARE NEVER BUSY.

SHE'S BUSY. DEAD PEOPLE ARE NEVER BUSY. OH, GOD, TED!

DEAD PEOPLE ARE NEVER BUSY. OH, GOD, TED! HOW COULD THIS HAVE HAPPENED?

OH, GOD, TED! HOW COULD THIS HAVE HAPPENED? I-I DON'T KNOW, MURRAY.

HOW COULD THIS HAVE HAPPENED? I-I DON'T KNOW, MURRAY. I MEAN, SHE WAS FINE THIS

I-I DON'T KNOW, MURRAY. I MEAN, SHE WAS FINE THIS MORNING WHEN I PUT THAT DRANO IN

I MEAN, SHE WAS FINE THIS MORNING WHEN I PUT THAT DRANO IN HER COFFEE FOR A JOKE.

MORNING WHEN I PUT THAT DRANO IN HER COFFEE FOR A JOKE. DRANO?!

HER COFFEE FOR A JOKE. DRANO?! YOU PUT DRANO IN HER COFFEE?!

DRANO?! YOU PUT DRANO IN HER COFFEE?! WELL, SHE WAS HOARSE, AND I

YOU PUT DRANO IN HER COFFEE?! WELL, SHE WAS HOARSE, AND I THOUGHT IT'D HELP CLEAN OUT HER

WELL, SHE WAS HOARSE, AND I THOUGHT IT'D HELP CLEAN OUT HER PIPES.

THOUGHT IT'D HELP CLEAN OUT HER PIPES. [CHUCKLES]

PIPES. [CHUCKLES] GET IT?

[CHUCKLES] GET IT? THAT STUFF'S POISON!

GET IT? THAT STUFF'S POISON! DON'T YOU READ THE LABEL?

THAT STUFF'S POISON! DON'T YOU READ THE LABEL? YEAH, BUT IT GOT BORING.

DON'T YOU READ THE LABEL? YEAH, BUT IT GOT BORING. MARY'S DEAD!

YEAH, BUT IT GOT BORING. MARY'S DEAD! YOU KILLED HER!

MARY'S DEAD! YOU KILLED HER! WHY COULDN'T IT HAVE BEEN THE

YOU KILLED HER! WHY COULDN'T IT HAVE BEEN THE OTHER WAY AROUND?

WHY COULDN'T IT HAVE BEEN THE OTHER WAY AROUND? MURR, BUCK UP!

OTHER WAY AROUND? MURR, BUCK UP! WE'LL ALL LAUGH ABOUT THIS

MURR, BUCK UP! WE'LL ALL LAUGH ABOUT THIS LATER.

WE'LL ALL LAUGH ABOUT THIS LATER. MAYBE YOU'LL LAUGH, BUT WAIT

LATER. MAYBE YOU'LL LAUGH, BUT WAIT TILL MR. GRANT HEARS ABOUT THIS.

MAYBE YOU'LL LAUGH, BUT WAIT TILL MR. GRANT HEARS ABOUT THIS. MR. GRANT?

TILL MR. GRANT HEARS ABOUT THIS. MR. GRANT? WELL, HOW'S HE GONNA HEAR?

MR. GRANT? WELL, HOW'S HE GONNA HEAR? BY YOU TELLING HIM!

WELL, HOW'S HE GONNA HEAR? BY YOU TELLING HIM! [GASPING]

BY YOU TELLING HIM! [GASPING] MURR, I CAN'T TELL HIM!

[GASPING] MURR, I CAN'T TELL HIM! I COULD LOSE MY JOB!

MURR, I CAN'T TELL HIM! I COULD LOSE MY JOB! WAIT TILL THE AUTHORITIES

I COULD LOSE MY JOB! WAIT TILL THE AUTHORITIES FIND OUT.

WAIT TILL THE AUTHORITIES FIND OUT. THE AUTHORITIES?

FIND OUT. THE AUTHORITIES? MURRAY, I'VE ALWAYS WONDERED...

THE AUTHORITIES? MURRAY, I'VE ALWAYS WONDERED... WHO EXACTLY ARE THEY?

MURRAY, I'VE ALWAYS WONDERED... WHO EXACTLY ARE THEY? THE POLICE. THE LAW.

WHO EXACTLY ARE THEY? THE POLICE. THE LAW. THEY'RE GONNA SLAP A PRISON

THE POLICE. THE LAW. THEY'RE GONNA SLAP A PRISON SENTENCE ON YOU!

THEY'RE GONNA SLAP A PRISON SENTENCE ON YOU! THIS IS MURDER!

SENTENCE ON YOU! THIS IS MURDER! WAIT. NOW, WAIT. NOW, LOOK

THIS IS MURDER! WAIT. NOW, WAIT. NOW, LOOK ARE YOU SURE SHE'S DEAD?

WAIT. NOW, WAIT. NOW, LOOK ARE YOU SURE SHE'S DEAD? YES, SHE'S DEAD!

ARE YOU SURE SHE'S DEAD? YES, SHE'S DEAD! TED, SHE'S DEAD!

YES, SHE'S DEAD! TED, SHE'S DEAD! WELL, FOR GOD'S SAKE, MURRAY,

TED, SHE'S DEAD! WELL, FOR GOD'S SAKE, MURRAY, LET'S LOOK UP HER SKIRT.

WELL, FOR GOD'S SAKE, MURRAY, LET'S LOOK UP HER SKIRT. HI, GUYS.

LET'S LOOK UP HER SKIRT. HI, GUYS. I JUST FLEW IN FROM NEW YORK.

HI, GUYS. I JUST FLEW IN FROM NEW YORK. RHODA, I CAN EXPLAIN

I JUST FLEW IN FROM NEW YORK. RHODA, I CAN EXPLAIN EVERYTHING.

RHODA, I CAN EXPLAIN EVERYTHING. I WAS TRYING TO COMMIT SUICIDE,

EVERYTHING. I WAS TRYING TO COMMIT SUICIDE, AND I FORGOT WHO I WAS.

I WAS TRYING TO COMMIT SUICIDE, AND I FORGOT WHO I WAS. TED, DID ANYONE EVER TELL

AND I FORGOT WHO I WAS. TED, DID ANYONE EVER TELL YOU, WITH A FEW MINOR CHANGES,

TED, DID ANYONE EVER TELL YOU, WITH A FEW MINOR CHANGES, YOU COULD BE A LAMP?

YOU, WITH A FEW MINOR CHANGES, YOU COULD BE A LAMP? WHAT'S WITH MARE?

YOU COULD BE A LAMP? WHAT'S WITH MARE? HE KILLED HER.

WHAT'S WITH MARE? HE KILLED HER. OH, NO.

HE KILLED HER. OH, NO. HEY, MARE, DON'T LET IT GET TO

OH, NO. HEY, MARE, DON'T LET IT GET TO YOU.

HEY, MARE, DON'T LET IT GET TO YOU. THINK OF IT THIS WAY... DEATH IS

YOU. THINK OF IT THIS WAY... DEATH IS JUST GOD'S WAY OF ASKING YOU

THINK OF IT THIS WAY... DEATH IS JUST GOD'S WAY OF ASKING YOU OUT.

JUST GOD'S WAY OF ASKING YOU OUT. HI, HI!

OUT. HI, HI! ANYBODY WANT TO MUNCH ON ONE OF

HI, HI! ANYBODY WANT TO MUNCH ON ONE OF MY TARTS?

ANYBODY WANT TO MUNCH ON ONE OF MY TARTS? I DON'T THINK ANY OF US IS IN

MY TARTS? I DON'T THINK ANY OF US IS IN A MUNCHING MOOD, SUE ANN!

I DON'T THINK ANY OF US IS IN A MUNCHING MOOD, SUE ANN! TED KILLED MARY!

A MUNCHING MOOD, SUE ANN! TED KILLED MARY! IS SHE DEAD? ARE YOU SURE?

TED KILLED MARY! IS SHE DEAD? ARE YOU SURE? SHE HAS NO PULSE!

IS SHE DEAD? ARE YOU SURE? SHE HAS NO PULSE! MARY RICHARDS HAS NO PULSE.

SHE HAS NO PULSE! MARY RICHARDS HAS NO PULSE. AND I THOUGHT SHE WAS THE GIRL

MARY RICHARDS HAS NO PULSE. AND I THOUGHT SHE WAS THE GIRL WHO HAD EVERYTHING.

AND I THOUGHT SHE WAS THE GIRL WHO HAD EVERYTHING. WELL, HOW DID IT HAPPEN,

WHO HAD EVERYTHING. WELL, HOW DID IT HAPPEN, ANYWAY?

WELL, HOW DID IT HAPPEN, ANYWAY? TED PUT DRANO IN HER COFFEE!

ANYWAY? TED PUT DRANO IN HER COFFEE! DRANO!

TED PUT DRANO IN HER COFFEE! DRANO! TED, DIDN'T YOU KNOW THAT A

DRANO! TED, DIDN'T YOU KNOW THAT A LITTLE AMMONIA AND WATER WOULD

TED, DIDN'T YOU KNOW THAT A LITTLE AMMONIA AND WATER WOULD HAVE DONE THE SAME JOB IN HALF

LITTLE AMMONIA AND WATER WOULD HAVE DONE THE SAME JOB IN HALF THE TIME?

HAVE DONE THE SAME JOB IN HALF THE TIME? WELL, LOOK, I'M LEAVING.

THE TIME? WELL, LOOK, I'M LEAVING. I GOT BETTER THINGS TO DO THAN

WELL, LOOK, I'M LEAVING. I GOT BETTER THINGS TO DO THAN TO SIT HERE AND WATCH MY BEST

I GOT BETTER THINGS TO DO THAN TO SIT HERE AND WATCH MY BEST FRIEND DECOMPOSE.

TO SIT HERE AND WATCH MY BEST FRIEND DECOMPOSE. OH, STAY AND HELP ME PLAN THE

FRIEND DECOMPOSE. OH, STAY AND HELP ME PLAN THE FUNERAL.

OH, STAY AND HELP ME PLAN THE FUNERAL. COME ON. IT'LL BE FUN.

FUNERAL. COME ON. IT'LL BE FUN. YEAH!

COME ON. IT'LL BE FUN. YEAH! THAT'S NONE OF YOUR CONCERN

YEAH! THAT'S NONE OF YOUR CONCERN NOW, TED.

THAT'S NONE OF YOUR CONCERN NOW, TED. YOUR CONCERN IS TELLING

NOW, TED. YOUR CONCERN IS TELLING MR. GRANT!

YOUR CONCERN IS TELLING MR. GRANT! AND HERE'S YOUR CHANCE!

MR. GRANT! AND HERE'S YOUR CHANCE! COME ON, TED. LET'S GO.

AND HERE'S YOUR CHANCE! COME ON, TED. LET'S GO. HERE'S YOUR CHANCE, TED.

COME ON, TED. LET'S GO. HERE'S YOUR CHANCE, TED. COME ON, TED. COME ON.

HERE'S YOUR CHANCE, TED. COME ON, TED. COME ON. HEY, LOU, LOOK HOW LONG MARY

COME ON, TED. COME ON. HEY, LOU, LOOK HOW LONG MARY CAN HOLD HER BREATH WITHOUT

HEY, LOU, LOOK HOW LONG MARY CAN HOLD HER BREATH WITHOUT STOPPING!

CAN HOLD HER BREATH WITHOUT STOPPING! TED!

STOPPING! TED! ALL RIGHT.

TED! ALL RIGHT. WHAT'S GOING ON?

ALL RIGHT. WHAT'S GOING ON? WHAT'S THIS ABOUT MARY?

WHAT'S GOING ON? WHAT'S THIS ABOUT MARY? I'LL GIVE YOU A HINT.

WHAT'S THIS ABOUT MARY? I'LL GIVE YOU A HINT. [IMITATES GAGGING]

I'LL GIVE YOU A HINT. [IMITATES GAGGING] TED... TED KILLED HER.

[IMITATES GAGGING] TED... TED KILLED HER. THERE WAS THIS DRANO

TED... TED KILLED HER. THERE WAS THIS DRANO IN HIS COFFEE.

THERE WAS THIS DRANO IN HIS COFFEE. SUE ANN AND RHODA ARE PLANNING

IN HIS COFFEE. SUE ANN AND RHODA ARE PLANNING THE FUNERAL RIGHT NOW.

SUE ANN AND RHODA ARE PLANNING THE FUNERAL RIGHT NOW. OH, IT'LL BE A LOVELY

THE FUNERAL RIGHT NOW. OH, IT'LL BE A LOVELY FUNERAL.

OH, IT'LL BE A LOVELY FUNERAL. THE THEME IS "MARY RICHARDS...

FUNERAL. THE THEME IS "MARY RICHARDS... HEAVEN OR HELL?"

THE THEME IS "MARY RICHARDS... HEAVEN OR HELL?" I DON'T WANT TO HEAR ABOUT IT

HEAVEN OR HELL?" I DON'T WANT TO HEAR ABOUT IT NOW, SUE ANN.

I DON'T WANT TO HEAR ABOUT IT NOW, SUE ANN. LET'S HAVE A MOMENT OF SILENCE

NOW, SUE ANN. LET'S HAVE A MOMENT OF SILENCE FOR MARY.

LET'S HAVE A MOMENT OF SILENCE FOR MARY. [SNORTING]

FOR MARY. [SNORTING] I CAN'T HELP IT.

[SNORTING] I CAN'T HELP IT. "CLEAN OUT HER PIPES."

I CAN'T HELP IT. "CLEAN OUT HER PIPES." [LAUGHS]

"CLEAN OUT HER PIPES." [LAUGHS] WHAT A GREAT JOKE.

[LAUGHS] WHAT A GREAT JOKE. TED!

WHAT A GREAT JOKE. TED! OKAY.

TED! OKAY. NOW, WE HAVE TO KEEP OUR HEADS.

OKAY. NOW, WE HAVE TO KEEP OUR HEADS. MARY IS DEAD, BUT WE HAVE A NEWS

NOW, WE HAVE TO KEEP OUR HEADS. MARY IS DEAD, BUT WE HAVE A NEWS SHOW TO PUT ON, ALL RIGHT?

MARY IS DEAD, BUT WE HAVE A NEWS SHOW TO PUT ON, ALL RIGHT? OKAY, NOW, MURRAY, YOU WRITE

SHOW TO PUT ON, ALL RIGHT? OKAY, NOW, MURRAY, YOU WRITE THE STORY.

OKAY, NOW, MURRAY, YOU WRITE THE STORY. TED, YOU CONFESS ON THE AIR.

THE STORY. TED, YOU CONFESS ON THE AIR. BUT EVERYONE WILL HEAR ME.

TED, YOU CONFESS ON THE AIR. BUT EVERYONE WILL HEAR ME. THAT'S THE IDEA.

BUT EVERYONE WILL HEAR ME. THAT'S THE IDEA. THIS IS THE BIGGEST NEWS STORY

THAT'S THE IDEA. THIS IS THE BIGGEST NEWS STORY TO HIT THIS TOWN IN A DECADE,

THIS IS THE BIGGEST NEWS STORY TO HIT THIS TOWN IN A DECADE, AND WE'RE GONNA BREAK IT.

TO HIT THIS TOWN IN A DECADE, AND WE'RE GONNA BREAK IT. WE GOT THE KILLER, WE GOT THE

AND WE'RE GONNA BREAK IT. WE GOT THE KILLER, WE GOT THE MOTIVE.

WE GOT THE KILLER, WE GOT THE MOTIVE. BY THE WAY, WHAT WAS THE MOTIVE?

MOTIVE. BY THE WAY, WHAT WAS THE MOTIVE? HUMOR.

BY THE WAY, WHAT WAS THE MOTIVE? HUMOR. OH, LOU, DON'T MAKE ME CONFESS

HUMOR. OH, LOU, DON'T MAKE ME CONFESS ON THE AIR!

OH, LOU, DON'T MAKE ME CONFESS ON THE AIR! THEY'LL SEND ME TO JAIL!

ON THE AIR! THEY'LL SEND ME TO JAIL! I DON'T WANT TO GO TO JAIL!

THEY'LL SEND ME TO JAIL! I DON'T WANT TO GO TO JAIL! I LOOK TERRIBLE IN STRIPES AND

I DON'T WANT TO GO TO JAIL! I LOOK TERRIBLE IN STRIPES AND BIG NUMBERS!

I LOOK TERRIBLE IN STRIPES AND BIG NUMBERS! WELL, MAYBE YOU SHOULD HAVE

BIG NUMBERS! WELL, MAYBE YOU SHOULD HAVE THOUGHT OF THAT BEFORE YOU

WELL, MAYBE YOU SHOULD HAVE THOUGHT OF THAT BEFORE YOU KILLED SOMEBODY.

THOUGHT OF THAT BEFORE YOU KILLED SOMEBODY. LOU, I WON'T SAY IT!

KILLED SOMEBODY. LOU, I WON'T SAY IT! I WON'T SAY IT!

LOU, I WON'T SAY IT! I WON'T SAY IT! I'LL LOSE HALF MY FOLLOWING!

I WON'T SAY IT! I'LL LOSE HALF MY FOLLOWING! TED, YOU'LL SAY IT, AND

I'LL LOSE HALF MY FOLLOWING! TED, YOU'LL SAY IT, AND YOU'LL LIKE IT!

TED, YOU'LL SAY IT, AND YOU'LL LIKE IT! [WHIMPERING]

YOU'LL LIKE IT! [WHIMPERING] PLEASE DON'T MAKE ME DO IT!

[WHIMPERING] PLEASE DON'T MAKE ME DO IT! PLEASE DON'T MAKE ME CONFESS IN

PLEASE DON'T MAKE ME DO IT! PLEASE DON'T MAKE ME CONFESS IN MY OWN TIME SLOT!

PLEASE DON'T MAKE ME CONFESS IN MY OWN TIME SLOT! TED, YOU WILL CONFESS HERE.

MY OWN TIME SLOT! TED, YOU WILL CONFESS HERE. OR WOULD YOU RATHER CONFESS IN

TED, YOU WILL CONFESS HERE. OR WOULD YOU RATHER CONFESS IN SOME DINGY LITTLE COURTROOM IN

OR WOULD YOU RATHER CONFESS IN SOME DINGY LITTLE COURTROOM IN MUNICIPAL HALL, WHERE YOU WON'T

SOME DINGY LITTLE COURTROOM IN MUNICIPAL HALL, WHERE YOU WON'T HAVE ANY CHANCE TO WIN THE AWARD

MUNICIPAL HALL, WHERE YOU WON'T HAVE ANY CHANCE TO WIN THE AWARD FOR THE MOST BRILLIANT REPORTER,

HAVE ANY CHANCE TO WIN THE AWARD FOR THE MOST BRILLIANT REPORTER, HUH?

FOR THE MOST BRILLIANT REPORTER, HUH? AND THEY WON'T LET YOU WEAR YOUR

HUH? AND THEY WON'T LET YOU WEAR YOUR BLAZER.

AND THEY WON'T LET YOU WEAR YOUR BLAZER. MY BLAZER?

BLAZER. MY BLAZER? WELL, OKAY.

MY BLAZER? WELL, OKAY. HERE IT IS, TED.

WELL, OKAY. HERE IT IS, TED. JUST REMEMBER TO SMILE.

Announcer: AND NOW "THE WJM 6:00 NEWS," WITH TED BAXTER. THE TOP STORY TONIGHT... IN A

6:00 NEWS," WITH TED BAXTER. THE TOP STORY TONIGHT... IN A CASE OF INVOLUNTARY MAN'S

THE TOP STORY TONIGHT... IN A CASE OF INVOLUNTARY MAN'S LAUGHTER... MAN'S LAUGHTER...

CASE OF INVOLUNTARY MAN'S LAUGHTER... MAN'S LAUGHTER... [CLEARS THROAT]

LAUGHTER... MAN'S LAUGHTER... [CLEARS THROAT] OUR ASSOCIATE PRODUCER,

[CLEARS THROAT] OUR ASSOCIATE PRODUCER, MARY RICHARDS, WAS KILLED BY...

OUR ASSOCIATE PRODUCER, MARY RICHARDS, WAS KILLED BY... CAN ANYONE MAKE OUT THIS NAME?

MARY RICHARDS, WAS KILLED BY... CAN ANYONE MAKE OUT THIS NAME? [CLEARS THROAT]

CAN ANYONE MAKE OUT THIS NAME? [CLEARS THROAT] KILLED BY THE BASICALLY

[CLEARS THROAT] KILLED BY THE BASICALLY WONDERFUL...

KILLED BY THE BASICALLY WONDERFUL... PERSON NAMED...

WONDERFUL... PERSON NAMED... LOU GRANT!

PERSON NAMED... LOU GRANT! YES!

LOU GRANT! YES! LOU GRANT KILLED MARY RICHARDS

YES! LOU GRANT KILLED MARY RICHARDS TODAY IN A RUTHLESS, BRUTAL

LOU GRANT KILLED MARY RICHARDS TODAY IN A RUTHLESS, BRUTAL ASSAULT...

TODAY IN A RUTHLESS, BRUTAL ASSAULT... MURRAY, GET THE DRANO.

THIS IS THE OFFICE OF DR. PAUL CONE. DR. CONE'S RESEARCH IN THE FIELD

DR. PAUL CONE. DR. CONE'S RESEARCH IN THE FIELD OF NUTRITION AND DIGESTIVE

DR. CONE'S RESEARCH IN THE FIELD OF NUTRITION AND DIGESTIVE STUDIES HAVE LED HIM TO THE

OF NUTRITION AND DIGESTIVE STUDIES HAVE LED HIM TO THE PERFECTION OF A REMARKABLE

STUDIES HAVE LED HIM TO THE PERFECTION OF A REMARKABLE WEIGHT-REDUCTION PROGRAM... OUR

PERFECTION OF A REMARKABLE WEIGHT-REDUCTION PROGRAM... OUR SUBJECT TONIGHT ON...

WEIGHT-REDUCTION PROGRAM... OUR SUBJECT TONIGHT ON... [DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS]

SUBJECT TONIGHT ON... [DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS] "MYSTERIES IN MEDICINE."

[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS] "MYSTERIES IN MEDICINE." PROFESSIONAL DIET CLINICS...

"MYSTERIES IN MEDICINE." PROFESSIONAL DIET CLINICS... RIGHT OR RIP-OFF?

PROFESSIONAL DIET CLINICS... RIGHT OR RIP-OFF? I-I'VE ALMOST GIVEN UP HOPE.

RIGHT OR RIP-OFF? I-I'VE ALMOST GIVEN UP HOPE. I-I'VE... IF ONLY I COULD LOSE 5

I-I'VE ALMOST GIVEN UP HOPE. I-I'VE... IF ONLY I COULD LOSE 5 POUNDS, I'D BE HAPPY.

I-I'VE... IF ONLY I COULD LOSE 5 POUNDS, I'D BE HAPPY. I'VE TRIED EVERY DIET PROGRAM

POUNDS, I'D BE HAPPY. I'VE TRIED EVERY DIET PROGRAM THERE IS.

I'VE TRIED EVERY DIET PROGRAM THERE IS. THE 9-DAY PAPER-AND-WATER DIET.

THERE IS. THE 9-DAY PAPER-AND-WATER DIET. THE LOVECREST NYLON DIET.

THE 9-DAY PAPER-AND-WATER DIET. THE LOVECREST NYLON DIET. I EVEN GAINED 10 POUNDS LAST

THE LOVECREST NYLON DIET. I EVEN GAINED 10 POUNDS LAST WEEK EATING NOTHING BUT DRIED

I EVEN GAINED 10 POUNDS LAST WEEK EATING NOTHING BUT DRIED CAMEL HEARTS.

WEEK EATING NOTHING BUT DRIED CAMEL HEARTS. OKAY, MRS. ELMWEATHER, IT'S

CAMEL HEARTS. OKAY, MRS. ELMWEATHER, IT'S SIMPLE.

OKAY, MRS. ELMWEATHER, IT'S SIMPLE. UM, NONE OF THESE CONVENTIONAL

SIMPLE. UM, NONE OF THESE CONVENTIONAL DIETS WORK FOR YOU.

UM, NONE OF THESE CONVENTIONAL DIETS WORK FOR YOU. YOU WANT TO LOSE WEIGHT, YOU

DIETS WORK FOR YOU. YOU WANT TO LOSE WEIGHT, YOU HAVE TO FIND THE RIGHT DIET.

YOU WANT TO LOSE WEIGHT, YOU HAVE TO FIND THE RIGHT DIET. I'M GOING TO PUT YOU ON AN

HAVE TO FIND THE RIGHT DIET. I'M GOING TO PUT YOU ON AN EXTREME WEIGHT-REDUCTION

I'M GOING TO PUT YOU ON AN EXTREME WEIGHT-REDUCTION PROGRAM... THE UNIZOID WONDER

EXTREME WEIGHT-REDUCTION PROGRAM... THE UNIZOID WONDER DIET WITH BLOG TREATMENTS.

PROGRAM... THE UNIZOID WONDER DIET WITH BLOG TREATMENTS. WHAT ARE BLOG TREATMENTS?

DIET WITH BLOG TREATMENTS. WHAT ARE BLOG TREATMENTS? BLOG TREATMENTS ARE PART OF

WHAT ARE BLOG TREATMENTS? BLOG TREATMENTS ARE PART OF THE MOST RIGID DIET SCHEDULE IN

BLOG TREATMENTS ARE PART OF THE MOST RIGID DIET SCHEDULE IN MEDICAL HISTORY.

THE MOST RIGID DIET SCHEDULE IN MEDICAL HISTORY. IT'S A THREE-YEAR PROGRAM.

MEDICAL HISTORY. IT'S A THREE-YEAR PROGRAM. WHEN CAN I START?

IT'S A THREE-YEAR PROGRAM. WHEN CAN I START? ARE YOU READY TO TRAVEL?

WHEN CAN I START? ARE YOU READY TO TRAVEL? TRAVEL? I DID...

ARE YOU READY TO TRAVEL? TRAVEL? I DID... HECTOR. ERNIE.

TRAVEL? I DID... HECTOR. ERNIE. BLOG DIET, PHASE ONE.

HECTOR. ERNIE. BLOG DIET, PHASE ONE. RIGHT.

BLOG DIET, PHASE ONE. RIGHT. COMMITMENT, TRUST, AND

RIGHT. COMMITMENT, TRUST, AND DISCIPLINE... THESE ARE THE

COMMITMENT, TRUST, AND DISCIPLINE... THESE ARE THE KEYNOTES TO DROPPING THOSE

DISCIPLINE... THESE ARE THE KEYNOTES TO DROPPING THOSE POUNDS.

[WIND WHISTLING]

THE BLOG TREATMENTS WILL

COMMENCE SHORTLY.

THANK YOU. THIS IS NOT REALLY WHAT I... AYE, AYE, AYE!

THIS IS NOT REALLY WHAT I... AYE, AYE, AYE! HEY!

AYE, AYE, AYE! HEY! ME BLOG!

HEY! ME BLOG! YOU FISH.

ME BLOG! YOU FISH. YOU CATCH.

YOU FISH. YOU CATCH. YOU EAT.

YOU CATCH. YOU EAT. HI!

YOU EAT. HI! ME BLOG.

HI! ME BLOG. CATCH!

ME BLOG. CATCH! AAH!

CATCH! AAH! THIS ISN'T REALLY WHAT I-I

AAH! THIS ISN'T REALLY WHAT I-I EXPECTED.

THIS ISN'T REALLY WHAT I-I EXPECTED. I DIDN'T THINK...

EXPECTED. I DIDN'T THINK... [WIND WHISTLING]

I DIDN'T THINK... [WIND WHISTLING] HI!

[WIND WHISTLING] HI! ARE YOU DIETING?

HI! ARE YOU DIETING? YES. MY NAME IS VIOLET.

ARE YOU DIETING? YES. MY NAME IS VIOLET. OH, I'M MIDGE.

YES. MY NAME IS VIOLET. OH, I'M MIDGE. I'VE BEEN HERE FOR TWO YEARS

OH, I'M MIDGE. I'VE BEEN HERE FOR TWO YEARS NOW.

I'VE BEEN HERE FOR TWO YEARS NOW. I USED TO WEIGH 180.

NOW. I USED TO WEIGH 180. I WAS ROTUND.

I USED TO WEIGH 180. I WAS ROTUND. NOW I WEIGH 50.

I WAS ROTUND. NOW I WEIGH 50. I WANT TO WEIGH 10.

NOW I WEIGH 50. I WANT TO WEIGH 10. HERE, HAVE SOME RAW SEAL MEAT,

I WANT TO WEIGH 10. HERE, HAVE SOME RAW SEAL MEAT, VIOLET.

HERE, HAVE SOME RAW SEAL MEAT, VIOLET. NO, THANKS.

VIOLET. NO, THANKS. AH!

NO, THANKS. AH! OH, FOOD!

AH! OH, FOOD! BLOG EAT NOW!

OH, FOOD! BLOG EAT NOW! BLOG EAT.

BLOG EAT NOW! BLOG EAT. WHAT DO WE EAT ON THIS DIET?

BLOG EAT. WHAT DO WE EAT ON THIS DIET? OH, WHATEVER WE MANAGE TO

WHAT DO WE EAT ON THIS DIET? OH, WHATEVER WE MANAGE TO CATCH AND HIDE FROM BLOG.

OH, WHATEVER WE MANAGE TO CATCH AND HIDE FROM BLOG. SO WHAT DO YOU DO ON

CATCH AND HIDE FROM BLOG. SO WHAT DO YOU DO ON WEEKENDS?

SO WHAT DO YOU DO ON WEEKENDS? OH, WELL, UH, I DIET.

WEEKENDS? OH, WELL, UH, I DIET. AND I REPACK SIGNAL FLARES.

OH, WELL, UH, I DIET. AND I REPACK SIGNAL FLARES. LOOK! A CHAR!

AND I REPACK SIGNAL FLARES. LOOK! A CHAR! A WHAT?

LOOK! A CHAR! A WHAT? AN ARCTIC CHAR.

A WHAT? AN ARCTIC CHAR. IT'S A FISH, AND IT TASTES

AN ARCTIC CHAR. IT'S A FISH, AND IT TASTES GREAT.

IT'S A FISH, AND IT TASTES GREAT. WELL, I'LL JUST CATCH THAT

GREAT. WELL, I'LL JUST CATCH THAT CHAR AND EAT IT.

WELL, I'LL JUST CATCH THAT CHAR AND EAT IT. OH, NO, NO, I SAW THAT CHAR

CHAR AND EAT IT. OH, NO, NO, I SAW THAT CHAR FIRST.

OH, NO, NO, I SAW THAT CHAR FIRST. THAT'S MY CHAR.

FIRST. THAT'S MY CHAR. THAT'S MY CHAR.

THAT'S MY CHAR. THAT'S MY CHAR. I'M SORRY, I HAVEN'T EATEN IN

THAT'S MY CHAR. I'M SORRY, I HAVEN'T EATEN IN TWO DAYS.

I'M SORRY, I HAVEN'T EATEN IN TWO DAYS. I HAVEN'T EATEN IN TWO YEARS!

TWO DAYS. I HAVEN'T EATEN IN TWO YEARS! I'M SORRY!

I HAVEN'T EATEN IN TWO YEARS! I'M SORRY! [BOTH SCREAMING]

THIS IS PHASE TWO OF THE DIET... THE CHAR FIGHT. THESE SUBJECTS RELEASE TENSION

DIET... THE CHAR FIGHT. THESE SUBJECTS RELEASE TENSION AND TRY TO FIGURE OUT NEW WAYS

THESE SUBJECTS RELEASE TENSION AND TRY TO FIGURE OUT NEW WAYS OF HIDING THE FOOD THEY CATCH

AND TRY TO FIGURE OUT NEW WAYS OF HIDING THE FOOD THEY CATCH FROM BLOG.

OF HIDING THE FOOD THEY CATCH FROM BLOG. OF COURSE BLOG KNOWS

FROM BLOG. OF COURSE BLOG KNOWS IMMEDIATELY WHEN THE DIETERS

OF COURSE BLOG KNOWS IMMEDIATELY WHEN THE DIETERS HAVE PROCURED FOOD BECAUSE HE'S

IMMEDIATELY WHEN THE DIETERS HAVE PROCURED FOOD BECAUSE HE'S ALWAYS WATCHING THEM VIA

HAVE PROCURED FOOD BECAUSE HE'S ALWAYS WATCHING THEM VIA CLOSED-CIRCUIT CAMERAS.

ALWAYS WATCHING THEM VIA CLOSED-CIRCUIT CAMERAS. THIS IS DR. MIKE BLOG, OUR

CLOSED-CIRCUIT CAMERAS. THIS IS DR. MIKE BLOG, OUR TOP RESEARCHER, BLOG DIET.

THIS IS DR. MIKE BLOG, OUR TOP RESEARCHER, BLOG DIET. CHIEF OF DIET RESEARCH AND A

TOP RESEARCHER, BLOG DIET. CHIEF OF DIET RESEARCH AND A BRILLIANT DIGESTIVE SCIENTIST.

CHIEF OF DIET RESEARCH AND A BRILLIANT DIGESTIVE SCIENTIST. THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

BRILLIANT DIGESTIVE SCIENTIST. THANK YOU VERY MUCH. OH, EXCUSE ME.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH. OH, EXCUSE ME. I THINK THEY'RE FIGHTING OVER

OH, EXCUSE ME. I THINK THEY'RE FIGHTING OVER THE CHAR.

I THINK THEY'RE FIGHTING OVER THE CHAR. I'LL HAVE TO TAKE IT AWAY FROM

THE CHAR. I'LL HAVE TO TAKE IT AWAY FROM THEM.

I'LL HAVE TO TAKE IT AWAY FROM THEM. OKAY, MIKE.

THEM. OKAY, MIKE. TAKE CARE.

OKAY, MIKE. TAKE CARE. AAH!

TAKE CARE. AAH! UHH.

AAH! UHH. CHAR?

UHH. CHAR? NO CHAR, BLOG.

CHAR? NO CHAR, BLOG. WHAT YOU GOT?

NO CHAR, BLOG. WHAT YOU GOT? [LAUGHING]

WHAT YOU GOT? [LAUGHING] YES, A DIET WHERE FOOD IS

[LAUGHING] YES, A DIET WHERE FOOD IS HUNTED AND HIDDEN FROM A

YES, A DIET WHERE FOOD IS HUNTED AND HIDDEN FROM A NUTRITIONIST POSING AS AN ESKIMO

HUNTED AND HIDDEN FROM A NUTRITIONIST POSING AS AN ESKIMO IN THE SIMULATED ENVIRONMENT OF

NUTRITIONIST POSING AS AN ESKIMO IN THE SIMULATED ENVIRONMENT OF A SECLUDED ICE-FISHING HUT.

IN THE SIMULATED ENVIRONMENT OF A SECLUDED ICE-FISHING HUT. ONLY ONE OF THE MANY...

A SECLUDED ICE-FISHING HUT. ONLY ONE OF THE MANY... "MYSTERIES IN MEDICINE."

ONLY ONE OF THE MANY... "MYSTERIES IN MEDICINE." [APPLAUSE]

HOW DO YOU LIKE THE SHOW SO FAR? OKAY, WE'RE HAVING SOME FUN OUT

FAR? OKAY, WE'RE HAVING SOME FUN OUT HERE TONIGHT, I GUESS, HUH?

OKAY, WE'RE HAVING SOME FUN OUT HERE TONIGHT, I GUESS, HUH? [LAUGHS]

HERE TONIGHT, I GUESS, HUH? [LAUGHS] YOU KNOW, A LOT OF PEOPLE COME

[LAUGHS] YOU KNOW, A LOT OF PEOPLE COME TO ME.

YOU KNOW, A LOT OF PEOPLE COME TO ME. THEY SAY, "STEVE, YOU'RE A

TO ME. THEY SAY, "STEVE, YOU'RE A RAMBLING GUY."

THEY SAY, "STEVE, YOU'RE A RAMBLING GUY." UM...

RAMBLING GUY." UM... "YOU MUST MEET A LOT OF GIRLS ON

UM... "YOU MUST MEET A LOT OF GIRLS ON THE ROAD."

"YOU MUST MEET A LOT OF GIRLS ON THE ROAD." I'D JUST LIKE TO DISPEL THAT

THE ROAD." I'D JUST LIKE TO DISPEL THAT RUMOR.

I'D JUST LIKE TO DISPEL THAT RUMOR. IT'S KIND OF A MYTH ABOUT

RUMOR. IT'S KIND OF A MYTH ABOUT ENTERTAINERS.

IT'S KIND OF A MYTH ABOUT ENTERTAINERS. YOU KNOW, YOU TRAVEL AROUND FROM

ENTERTAINERS. YOU KNOW, YOU TRAVEL AROUND FROM TOWN TO TOWN, ONE NIGHT AT A

YOU KNOW, YOU TRAVEL AROUND FROM TOWN TO TOWN, ONE NIGHT AT A TIME, AND YOU DON'T HAVE TIME TO

TOWN TO TOWN, ONE NIGHT AT A TIME, AND YOU DON'T HAVE TIME TO MEET ANYBODY, AND I'M NOT INTO

TIME, AND YOU DON'T HAVE TIME TO MEET ANYBODY, AND I'M NOT INTO THAT ONE-NIGHT THING.

MEET ANYBODY, AND I'M NOT INTO THAT ONE-NIGHT THING. I THINK A PERSON SHOULD GET TO

THAT ONE-NIGHT THING. I THINK A PERSON SHOULD GET TO KNOW SOMEONE AND EVEN BE IN LOVE

I THINK A PERSON SHOULD GET TO KNOW SOMEONE AND EVEN BE IN LOVE WITH THEM BEFORE YOU USE AND

KNOW SOMEONE AND EVEN BE IN LOVE WITH THEM BEFORE YOU USE AND DEGRADE THEM.

WITH THEM BEFORE YOU USE AND DEGRADE THEM. [LAUGHTER]

DEGRADE THEM. [LAUGHTER] SO...

[LAUGHTER] SO... I DON'T KNOW IF I LOOKED A

SO... I DON'T KNOW IF I LOOKED A LITTLE MAD DURING THE SHOW

I DON'T KNOW IF I LOOKED A LITTLE MAD DURING THE SHOW TONIGHT.

LITTLE MAD DURING THE SHOW TONIGHT. I'M A LITTLE ANGRY, I GUESS.

TONIGHT. I'M A LITTLE ANGRY, I GUESS. I'M JUST...

I'M A LITTLE ANGRY, I GUESS. I'M JUST... I DON'T KNOW, I'M JUST MAD AT MY

I'M JUST... I DON'T KNOW, I'M JUST MAD AT MY MOTHER.

I DON'T KNOW, I'M JUST MAD AT MY MOTHER. HOO.

MOTHER. HOO. I DON'T KNOW, SHE JUST... SHE

HOO. I DON'T KNOW, SHE JUST... SHE CALLS ME UP THE OTHER DAY.

I DON'T KNOW, SHE JUST... SHE CALLS ME UP THE OTHER DAY. SHE WANTS TO BORROW $10 FOR SOME

CALLS ME UP THE OTHER DAY. SHE WANTS TO BORROW $10 FOR SOME FOOD.

SHE WANTS TO BORROW $10 FOR SOME FOOD. CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?

FOOD. CAN YOU BELIEVE IT? I SAID, "HEY, I WORK FOR A

CAN YOU BELIEVE IT? I SAID, "HEY, I WORK FOR A LIVING!"

I SAID, "HEY, I WORK FOR A LIVING!" SO I LOAN HER THE MONEY.

LIVING!" SO I LOAN HER THE MONEY. YESTERDAY SHE CALLS ME UP AND

SO I LOAN HER THE MONEY. YESTERDAY SHE CALLS ME UP AND SAYS SHE CAN'T PAY ME BACK FOR A

YESTERDAY SHE CALLS ME UP AND SAYS SHE CAN'T PAY ME BACK FOR A WHILE.

SAYS SHE CAN'T PAY ME BACK FOR A WHILE. I SAID, "HEY, WHAT IS THIS?!"

WHILE. I SAID, "HEY, WHAT IS THIS?!" SO I WORKED OUT A DEAL WITH HER.

I SAID, "HEY, WHAT IS THIS?!" SO I WORKED OUT A DEAL WITH HER. I'M HAVING HER WORK ON MY

SO I WORKED OUT A DEAL WITH HER. I'M HAVING HER WORK ON MY TRANSMISSION.

I'M HAVING HER WORK ON MY TRANSMISSION. AND I MOVED MY BARBELLS UP TO

TRANSMISSION. AND I MOVED MY BARBELLS UP TO THE ATTIC.

AND I MOVED MY BARBELLS UP TO THE ATTIC. SO THAT'S PRETTY GOOD, HUH?

THE ATTIC. SO THAT'S PRETTY GOOD, HUH? [LAUGHS]

SO THAT'S PRETTY GOOD, HUH? [LAUGHS] OH, GOSH, MY SHOELACE IS UNTIED.

[LAUGHS] OH, GOSH, MY SHOELACE IS UNTIED. HA HA HA HA.

OH, GOSH, MY SHOELACE IS UNTIED. HA HA HA HA. OH, I LOVE PLAYING JOKES ON

HA HA HA HA. OH, I LOVE PLAYING JOKES ON MYSELF.

OH, I LOVE PLAYING JOKES ON MYSELF. ALL RIGHT.

MYSELF. ALL RIGHT. BOY, I HAD A...

ALL RIGHT. BOY, I HAD A... I HAD A WEIRD EXPERIENCE THE

BOY, I HAD A... I HAD A WEIRD EXPERIENCE THE OTHER DAY.

I HAD A WEIRD EXPERIENCE THE OTHER DAY. YOU SEE, JACKIE ONASSIS HAS

OTHER DAY. YOU SEE, JACKIE ONASSIS HAS ALWAYS BEEN ONE OF MY FAVORITE

YOU SEE, JACKIE ONASSIS HAS ALWAYS BEEN ONE OF MY FAVORITE PEOPLE.

ALWAYS BEEN ONE OF MY FAVORITE PEOPLE. IT'S LIKE I'VE ALWAYS IDOLIZED

PEOPLE. IT'S LIKE I'VE ALWAYS IDOLIZED HER FROM AFAR, AND I'VE ALWAYS

IT'S LIKE I'VE ALWAYS IDOLIZED HER FROM AFAR, AND I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO MEET HER.

HER FROM AFAR, AND I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO MEET HER. BUT FAT CHANCE I'M GONNA MEET

WANTED TO MEET HER. BUT FAT CHANCE I'M GONNA MEET JACKIE ONASSIS, RIGHT?

BUT FAT CHANCE I'M GONNA MEET JACKIE ONASSIS, RIGHT? WELL [CLEARS THROAT] I WAS IN A

JACKIE ONASSIS, RIGHT? WELL [CLEARS THROAT] I WAS IN A LAUNDROMAT IN TUCSON, ARIZONA,

WELL [CLEARS THROAT] I WAS IN A LAUNDROMAT IN TUCSON, ARIZONA, AND I LOOKED OVER, AND THERE SHE

LAUNDROMAT IN TUCSON, ARIZONA, AND I LOOKED OVER, AND THERE SHE WAS, JACKIE ONASSIS, MY IDOL,

AND I LOOKED OVER, AND THERE SHE WAS, JACKIE ONASSIS, MY IDOL, AND I COULDN'T BELIEVE IT.

WAS, JACKIE ONASSIS, MY IDOL, AND I COULDN'T BELIEVE IT. SO I GOT ALL EXCITED, AND I WENT

AND I COULDN'T BELIEVE IT. SO I GOT ALL EXCITED, AND I WENT UP TO HER AND I SAID, "HEY,

SO I GOT ALL EXCITED, AND I WENT UP TO HER AND I SAID, "HEY, HOW'S IT GOING?"

UP TO HER AND I SAID, "HEY, HOW'S IT GOING?" AND SHE SAID, "FINE, EVERYTHING

HOW'S IT GOING?" AND SHE SAID, "FINE, EVERYTHING IS GOOD."

AND SHE SAID, "FINE, EVERYTHING IS GOOD." SO I ASKED HER OUT FOR LUNCH,

IS GOOD." SO I ASKED HER OUT FOR LUNCH, AND I COULDN'T BELIEVE IT... SHE

SO I ASKED HER OUT FOR LUNCH, AND I COULDN'T BELIEVE IT... SHE ACCEPTED, AND I WAS SO PROUD TO

AND I COULDN'T BELIEVE IT... SHE ACCEPTED, AND I WAS SO PROUD TO BE ABLE TO GO SOMEPLACE WITH MY

ACCEPTED, AND I WAS SO PROUD TO BE ABLE TO GO SOMEPLACE WITH MY IDOL, JACKIE ONASSIS, SO

BE ABLE TO GO SOMEPLACE WITH MY IDOL, JACKIE ONASSIS, SO ELEGANT, SOPHISTICATED.

IDOL, JACKIE ONASSIS, SO ELEGANT, SOPHISTICATED. SO I TOOK HER TO THIS REALLY

ELEGANT, SOPHISTICATED. SO I TOOK HER TO THIS REALLY GREAT RESTAURANT, AND THE WAITER

SO I TOOK HER TO THIS REALLY GREAT RESTAURANT, AND THE WAITER BROUGHT THE FOOD, AND SHE WAS A

GREAT RESTAURANT, AND THE WAITER BROUGHT THE FOOD, AND SHE WAS A PIG.

BROUGHT THE FOOD, AND SHE WAS A PIG. REALLY.

PIG. REALLY. IT WAS UNBELIEVABLE.

REALLY. IT WAS UNBELIEVABLE. SHE WOULDN'T USE A KNIFE AND

IT WAS UNBELIEVABLE. SHE WOULDN'T USE A KNIFE AND FORK.

SHE WOULDN'T USE A KNIFE AND FORK. SHE GOES...

FORK. SHE GOES... OHH.

SHE GOES... OHH. AND SHE PICKED UP THE HARD

OHH. AND SHE PICKED UP THE HARD ROLLS, AND SHE'D THROW THEM AT

AND SHE PICKED UP THE HARD ROLLS, AND SHE'D THROW THEM AT PEOPLE.

ROLLS, AND SHE'D THROW THEM AT PEOPLE. SHE PICKED UP TWO FRIED EGGS,

PEOPLE. SHE PICKED UP TWO FRIED EGGS, SHE GOES, "HEY!"

SHE PICKED UP TWO FRIED EGGS, SHE GOES, "HEY!" [APPLAUSE]

SHE GOES, "HEY!" [APPLAUSE] AND SHE THOUGHT IT WAS FUNNY.

[APPLAUSE] AND SHE THOUGHT IT WAS FUNNY. YOU KNOW?

AND SHE THOUGHT IT WAS FUNNY. YOU KNOW? AND THE WAITER WOULD COME BY,

YOU KNOW? AND THE WAITER WOULD COME BY, AND SHE'D LIFT UP HER DRESS...

AND THE WAITER WOULD COME BY, AND SHE'D LIFT UP HER DRESS... "AAH!"

AND SHE'D LIFT UP HER DRESS... "AAH!" WHAT A LETDOWN, YOU KNOW WHAT I

"AAH!" WHAT A LETDOWN, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

WHAT A LETDOWN, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? PHEW.

MEAN? PHEW. YOU KNOW WHY PEOPLE CAN GET AWAY

PHEW. YOU KNOW WHY PEOPLE CAN GET AWAY WITH STUFF LIKE THAT?

YOU KNOW WHY PEOPLE CAN GET AWAY WITH STUFF LIKE THAT? I'LL TELL YOU EXACTLY WHY PEOPLE

WITH STUFF LIKE THAT? I'LL TELL YOU EXACTLY WHY PEOPLE GET AWAY WITH THAT.

I'LL TELL YOU EXACTLY WHY PEOPLE GET AWAY WITH THAT. BECAUSE THE PUBLIC HAS A SHORT

GET AWAY WITH THAT. BECAUSE THE PUBLIC HAS A SHORT MEMORY.

BECAUSE THE PUBLIC HAS A SHORT MEMORY. THAT'S WHY ALL THESE BIG STARS

MEMORY. THAT'S WHY ALL THESE BIG STARS DO THESE CRAZY, TERRIBLE THINGS,

THAT'S WHY ALL THESE BIG STARS DO THESE CRAZY, TERRIBLE THINGS, AND TWO YEARS LATER THEY'RE BACK

DO THESE CRAZY, TERRIBLE THINGS, AND TWO YEARS LATER THEY'RE BACK IN THE BIZ.

AND TWO YEARS LATER THEY'RE BACK IN THE BIZ. THE PUBLIC HAS A SHORT MEMORY.

IN THE BIZ. THE PUBLIC HAS A SHORT MEMORY. LET ME GIVE YOU A LITTLE TEST,

THE PUBLIC HAS A SHORT MEMORY. LET ME GIVE YOU A LITTLE TEST, OKAY?

LET ME GIVE YOU A LITTLE TEST, OKAY? THIS IS MY THESIS... THE PUBLIC

OKAY? THIS IS MY THESIS... THE PUBLIC HAS A SHORT MEMORY, AND HOW MANY

THIS IS MY THESIS... THE PUBLIC HAS A SHORT MEMORY, AND HOW MANY PEOPLE REMEMBER A COUPLE OF

HAS A SHORT MEMORY, AND HOW MANY PEOPLE REMEMBER A COUPLE OF YEARS AGO WHEN THE EARTH BLEW

PEOPLE REMEMBER A COUPLE OF YEARS AGO WHEN THE EARTH BLEW UP?

YEARS AGO WHEN THE EARTH BLEW UP? HOW MANY PEOPLE REMEMBER?

UP? HOW MANY PEOPLE REMEMBER? SEE? SO FEW PEOPLE REMEMBER.

HOW MANY PEOPLE REMEMBER? SEE? SO FEW PEOPLE REMEMBER. AND YOU WOULD THINK THAT

SEE? SO FEW PEOPLE REMEMBER. AND YOU WOULD THINK THAT SOMETHING LIKE THAT PEOPLE WOULD

AND YOU WOULD THINK THAT SOMETHING LIKE THAT PEOPLE WOULD REMEMBER.

SOMETHING LIKE THAT PEOPLE WOULD REMEMBER. BUT NO!

REMEMBER. BUT NO! YOU DON'T REMEMBER THAT?

BUT NO! YOU DON'T REMEMBER THAT? THE EARTH BLEW UP AND WAS

YOU DON'T REMEMBER THAT? THE EARTH BLEW UP AND WAS COMPLETELY DESTROYED?

THE EARTH BLEW UP AND WAS COMPLETELY DESTROYED? AND WE ESCAPED TO THIS PLANET ON

COMPLETELY DESTROYED? AND WE ESCAPED TO THIS PLANET ON THE GIANT SPACE ARK?

AND WE ESCAPED TO THIS PLANET ON THE GIANT SPACE ARK? WHERE HAVE YOU PEOPLE BEEN?

THE GIANT SPACE ARK? WHERE HAVE YOU PEOPLE BEEN? AND THE GOVERNMENT DECIDED NOT

WHERE HAVE YOU PEOPLE BEEN? AND THE GOVERNMENT DECIDED NOT TO TELL THE STUPIDER PEOPLE

AND THE GOVERNMENT DECIDED NOT TO TELL THE STUPIDER PEOPLE BECAUSE THEY THOUGHT THAT IT

TO TELL THE STUPIDER PEOPLE BECAUSE THEY THOUGHT THAT IT MIGHT AFFECT...

BECAUSE THEY THOUGHT THAT IT MIGHT AFFECT... OH, OKAY!

MIGHT AFFECT... OH, OKAY! UH...

OH, OKAY! UH... LET'S MOVE ON.

UH... LET'S MOVE ON. IF I DO LOOK A LITTLE DEPRESSED

LET'S MOVE ON. IF I DO LOOK A LITTLE DEPRESSED TONIGHT, I GUESS I GET A LITTLE

IF I DO LOOK A LITTLE DEPRESSED TONIGHT, I GUESS I GET A LITTLE SENTIMENTAL EVERY TIME THE

TONIGHT, I GUESS I GET A LITTLE SENTIMENTAL EVERY TIME THE BICENTENNIAL YEAR ROLLS AROUND.

SENTIMENTAL EVERY TIME THE BICENTENNIAL YEAR ROLLS AROUND. AND, UM, I GOT ANOTHER MONTH

BICENTENNIAL YEAR ROLLS AROUND. AND, UM, I GOT ANOTHER MONTH AND A HALF ON THAT JOKE.

AND, UM, I GOT ANOTHER MONTH AND A HALF ON THAT JOKE. I'M GONNA USE IT EVERY CHANCE I

AND A HALF ON THAT JOKE. I'M GONNA USE IT EVERY CHANCE I GET.

I'M GONNA USE IT EVERY CHANCE I GET. ACTUALLY I'M KIND OF... I DON'T

GET. ACTUALLY I'M KIND OF... I DON'T KNOW... I'M KIND OF THINKING

ACTUALLY I'M KIND OF... I DON'T KNOW... I'M KIND OF THINKING ABOUT MY OLD GIRLFRIEND, I

KNOW... I'M KIND OF THINKING ABOUT MY OLD GIRLFRIEND, I GUESS.

ABOUT MY OLD GIRLFRIEND, I GUESS. SORRY.

GUESS. SORRY. IT'S JUST THAT I USED TO TRAVEL

SORRY. IT'S JUST THAT I USED TO TRAVEL AROUND AND I'D BE PERFORMING,

IT'S JUST THAT I USED TO TRAVEL AROUND AND I'D BE PERFORMING, AND I COULD KIND OF HEAR HER

AROUND AND I'D BE PERFORMING, AND I COULD KIND OF HEAR HER LAUGH IN THE BACK.

AND I COULD KIND OF HEAR HER LAUGH IN THE BACK. IT'D MEAN SOMETHING TO ME.

LAUGH IN THE BACK. IT'D MEAN SOMETHING TO ME. AND I'M SORRY.

IT'D MEAN SOMETHING TO ME. AND I'M SORRY. YOU KNOW HOW IT IS.

AND I'M SORRY. YOU KNOW HOW IT IS. WE WERE TOGETHER ABOUT THREE

YOU KNOW HOW IT IS. WE WERE TOGETHER ABOUT THREE YEARS, AND SHE'S NOT LIVING

WE WERE TOGETHER ABOUT THREE YEARS, AND SHE'S NOT LIVING ANYMORE, SO I KIND OF...

YEARS, AND SHE'S NOT LIVING ANYMORE, SO I KIND OF... [LAUGHTER]

ANYMORE, SO I KIND OF... [LAUGHTER] YOU LAUGH?

[LAUGHTER] YOU LAUGH? AND I GUESS I KIND OF BLAME

YOU LAUGH? AND I GUESS I KIND OF BLAME MYSELF FOR HER DEATH.

AND I GUESS I KIND OF BLAME MYSELF FOR HER DEATH. WE WERE AT A PARTY ONE NIGHT,

MYSELF FOR HER DEATH. WE WERE AT A PARTY ONE NIGHT, AND WE WEREN'T GETTING ALONG,

WE WERE AT A PARTY ONE NIGHT, AND WE WEREN'T GETTING ALONG, AND WE WERE FIGHTING, AND SHE

AND WE WEREN'T GETTING ALONG, AND WE WERE FIGHTING, AND SHE BEGAN TO DRINK.

AND WE WERE FIGHTING, AND SHE BEGAN TO DRINK. AND I DIDN'T REALIZE HOW MUCH

BEGAN TO DRINK. AND I DIDN'T REALIZE HOW MUCH SHE'D BEEN DRINKING.

AND I DIDN'T REALIZE HOW MUCH SHE'D BEEN DRINKING. SHE RAN OUT TO THE CAR.

SHE'D BEEN DRINKING. SHE RAN OUT TO THE CAR. SHE ASKED ME TO DRIVE HER HOME,

SHE RAN OUT TO THE CAR. SHE ASKED ME TO DRIVE HER HOME, AND I DIDN'T WANT TO.

SHE ASKED ME TO DRIVE HER HOME, AND I DIDN'T WANT TO. I REFUSED.

AND I DIDN'T WANT TO. I REFUSED. SHE ASKED ME ONE MORE TIME,

I REFUSED. SHE ASKED ME ONE MORE TIME, "WOULD YOU PLEASE DRIVE ME

SHE ASKED ME ONE MORE TIME, "WOULD YOU PLEASE DRIVE ME HOME?"

"WOULD YOU PLEASE DRIVE ME HOME?" I DIDN'T WANT TO...

HOME?" I DIDN'T WANT TO... SO I SHOT HER.

I DIDN'T WANT TO... SO I SHOT HER. [LAUGHTER]

SO I SHOT HER. [LAUGHTER] OKAY, FOLKS, I THINK THAT ABOUT

[LAUGHTER] OKAY, FOLKS, I THINK THAT ABOUT DOES IT.

OKAY, FOLKS, I THINK THAT ABOUT DOES IT. WE'VE HAD A GOOD TIME TONIGHT,

DOES IT. WE'VE HAD A GOOD TIME TONIGHT, CONSIDERING WE'RE ALL GOING TO

WE'VE HAD A GOOD TIME TONIGHT, CONSIDERING WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE, AND ARE WE GONNA GO TO

CONSIDERING WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE, AND ARE WE GONNA GO TO COMMERCIAL NOW, OR... WE'LL GO

DIE, AND ARE WE GONNA GO TO COMMERCIAL NOW, OR... WE'LL GO TO COMMERCIAL AND WE'LL COME

COMMERCIAL NOW, OR... WE'LL GO TO COMMERCIAL AND WE'LL COME RIGHT BACK.

TO COMMERCIAL AND WE'LL COME RIGHT BACK. THANKS A LOT.

RIGHT BACK. THANKS A LOT. [APPLAUSE]

HEY, WE HAD A GOOD TIME TONIGHT! THANKS A LOT. NEXT WEEK, IT'S BUCK HENRY AND

THANKS A LOT. NEXT WEEK, IT'S BUCK HENRY AND A BAND.

NEXT WEEK, IT'S BUCK HENRY AND A BAND. OH, THE BAND.

A BAND. OH, THE BAND. BIG ROUND FOR OUR CAST.

OH, THE BAND. BIG ROUND FOR OUR CAST. I'LL SEE YOU AT THE TUPELO NEXT

BIG ROUND FOR OUR CAST. I'LL SEE YOU AT THE TUPELO NEXT WEEK.

I'LL SEE YOU AT THE TUPELO NEXT WEEK. THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

WEEK. THANK YOU VERY MUCH. AND I'D LIKE TO THANK EVERYONE.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH. AND I'D LIKE TO THANK EVERYONE. WE HAD A WONDERFUL TIME!

AND I'D LIKE TO THANK EVERYONE. WE HAD A WONDERFUL TIME! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

Announcer: NEXT SATURDAY

NIGHT, OUR HOST WILL BE

BUCK HENRY WITH HIS MUSICAL

GUEST, THE BAND.

WHILE WE HAVE TIME, I'M GONNA

SAY MY NAME 10 TIMES REAL FAST,

OKAY?

DON PARDO. DON PARDO. DON PARDO.

DON PARDO. DON PARDO. DON PARDO.

DON PARDO. DON PARDO. DON PARDO.

DON PARDO!

VERY GOOD!

THIS IS RON DARPO SAYING GOOD

NIGHT.