Original subtitles

AS SOME OF YOU MAY KNOW, ON THE FIRST SHOW OF THE SEASON, CHEVY CHASE INJURED HIMSELF

THE FIRST SHOW OF THE SEASON, CHEVY CHASE INJURED HIMSELF TAKING A FALL.

CHEVY CHASE INJURED HIMSELF TAKING A FALL. NOW, HE'S BEEN SICK FOR QUITE A

TAKING A FALL. NOW, HE'S BEEN SICK FOR QUITE A WHILE, BUT HE'S HERE WITH US

NOW, HE'S BEEN SICK FOR QUITE A WHILE, BUT HE'S HERE WITH US TONIGHT.

WHILE, BUT HE'S HERE WITH US TONIGHT. OF COURSE, THAT MEANS I PROBABLY

TONIGHT. OF COURSE, THAT MEANS I PROBABLY WON'T BE DOING "UPDATE" ANYMORE,

OF COURSE, THAT MEANS I PROBABLY WON'T BE DOING "UPDATE" ANYMORE, AND I DID START GETTING LETTERS.

WON'T BE DOING "UPDATE" ANYMORE, AND I DID START GETTING LETTERS. BUT CHEVY INSISTED ON COMING

AND I DID START GETTING LETTERS. BUT CHEVY INSISTED ON COMING BACK, EVEN THOUGH HIS DOCTOR

BUT CHEVY INSISTED ON COMING BACK, EVEN THOUGH HIS DOCTOR SAID, "NO, CHEVY, WE THINK

BACK, EVEN THOUGH HIS DOCTOR SAID, "NO, CHEVY, WE THINK YOU'RE CRAZY BECAUSE YOU'RE NOT

SAID, "NO, CHEVY, WE THINK YOU'RE CRAZY BECAUSE YOU'RE NOT WELL ENOUGH."

YOU'RE CRAZY BECAUSE YOU'RE NOT WELL ENOUGH." BUT HE HAS TO COME BACK BECAUSE

WELL ENOUGH." BUT HE HAS TO COME BACK BECAUSE HE HAS SOMETHING VERY IMPORTANT

BUT HE HAS TO COME BACK BECAUSE HE HAS SOMETHING VERY IMPORTANT THAT HE WANTS TO SAY TO EACH AND

HE HAS SOMETHING VERY IMPORTANT THAT HE WANTS TO SAY TO EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOU.

THAT HE WANTS TO SAY TO EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOU. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

EVERY ONE OF YOU. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, CHEVY CHASE.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, CHEVY CHASE. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

YOU ALL RIGHT, CHEVY? YEAH. YOU COMFORTABLE?

YEAH. YOU COMFORTABLE? I'M OKAY.

YOU COMFORTABLE? I'M OKAY. OKAY, GOOD.

I'M OKAY. OKAY, GOOD. [LAUGHTER]

LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S "SATURDAY NIGHT"! [BAND PLAYS]

Announcer: NBC's "SATURDAY NIGHT." STARRING...

WITH HER GUEST...

AND THE NOT-READY-FOR-PRIME-TIME PLAYERS.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, KAREN BLACK. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

THANK YOU. THANK YOU. WELL, I'VE VERY EXCITED TO BE

THANK YOU. WELL, I'VE VERY EXCITED TO BE HERE TONIGHT.

WELL, I'VE VERY EXCITED TO BE HERE TONIGHT. AND SO IS MY SON, HUNTER.

HERE TONIGHT. AND SO IS MY SON, HUNTER. THIS IS HUNTER.

AND SO IS MY SON, HUNTER. THIS IS HUNTER. ACTUALLY, WE BOTH SLEPT ALL DAY

THIS IS HUNTER. ACTUALLY, WE BOTH SLEPT ALL DAY SO WE COULD BE UP FOR THE SHOW

ACTUALLY, WE BOTH SLEPT ALL DAY SO WE COULD BE UP FOR THE SHOW TONIGHT.

SO WE COULD BE UP FOR THE SHOW TONIGHT. NO, HE ACTUALLY IS ALWAYS UP

TONIGHT. NO, HE ACTUALLY IS ALWAYS UP THIS LATE.

NO, HE ACTUALLY IS ALWAYS UP THIS LATE. AND HE SMOKES CIGARS, TOO.

THIS LATE. AND HE SMOKES CIGARS, TOO. [LAUGHTER]

AND HE SMOKES CIGARS, TOO. [LAUGHTER] YOU KNOW, I TAKE MOTHERHOOD VERY

[LAUGHTER] YOU KNOW, I TAKE MOTHERHOOD VERY SERIOUSLY.

YOU KNOW, I TAKE MOTHERHOOD VERY SERIOUSLY. WHEN I WAS PREGNANT, I READ

SERIOUSLY. WHEN I WAS PREGNANT, I READ EVERYTHING YOU COULD READ ABOUT

WHEN I WAS PREGNANT, I READ EVERYTHING YOU COULD READ ABOUT BABIES AND MOTHERHOOD.

EVERYTHING YOU COULD READ ABOUT BABIES AND MOTHERHOOD. I READ EVERY PAPER AND ARTICLE.

BABIES AND MOTHERHOOD. I READ EVERY PAPER AND ARTICLE. SO NOW I KNOW QUITE A BIT ABOUT

I READ EVERY PAPER AND ARTICLE. SO NOW I KNOW QUITE A BIT ABOUT MOTHERHOOD AND ABOUT MOTHERS.

SO NOW I KNOW QUITE A BIT ABOUT MOTHERHOOD AND ABOUT MOTHERS. FOR INSTANCE, DID YOU KNOW WHAT

MOTHERHOOD AND ABOUT MOTHERS. FOR INSTANCE, DID YOU KNOW WHAT THE VERY FIRST MOTHERS WERE

FOR INSTANCE, DID YOU KNOW WHAT THE VERY FIRST MOTHERS WERE LIKE?

THE VERY FIRST MOTHERS WERE LIKE? WELL, THE FIRST MOTHERS WERE

LIKE? WELL, THE FIRST MOTHERS WERE PRIMITIVE BY OUR STANDARDS.

WELL, THE FIRST MOTHERS WERE PRIMITIVE BY OUR STANDARDS. THEY WERE OFTEN MADE FROM

PRIMITIVE BY OUR STANDARDS. THEY WERE OFTEN MADE FROM NOTHING MORE THAN BITS OF BARK

THEY WERE OFTEN MADE FROM NOTHING MORE THAN BITS OF BARK AND CLOTH.

NOTHING MORE THAN BITS OF BARK AND CLOTH. YES.

AND CLOTH. YES. THEY WERE CRUDE MOTHERS...

YES. THEY WERE CRUDE MOTHERS... BUT THEY WORKED.

THEY WERE CRUDE MOTHERS... BUT THEY WORKED. AND YET AS EARLY AS 550 B.C.,

BUT THEY WORKED. AND YET AS EARLY AS 550 B.C., MAN HAD PROGRESSED TO THE

AND YET AS EARLY AS 550 B.C., MAN HAD PROGRESSED TO THE HORSE-DRAWN MOTHER...

MAN HAD PROGRESSED TO THE HORSE-DRAWN MOTHER... [LAUGHTER]

HORSE-DRAWN MOTHER... [LAUGHTER] AS SHOWN HERE IN THIS

[LAUGHTER] AS SHOWN HERE IN THIS ARTIST'S CONCEPTION OF AN EARLY

AS SHOWN HERE IN THIS ARTIST'S CONCEPTION OF AN EARLY GREEK FRESCO.

ARTIST'S CONCEPTION OF AN EARLY GREEK FRESCO. THE DARK AGES SAW FEW

GREEK FRESCO. THE DARK AGES SAW FEW IMPROVEMENTS IN THE MOTHER.

THE DARK AGES SAW FEW IMPROVEMENTS IN THE MOTHER. AND IT WASN'T UNTIL THE

IMPROVEMENTS IN THE MOTHER. AND IT WASN'T UNTIL THE RENAISSANCE THAT THE REAL

AND IT WASN'T UNTIL THE RENAISSANCE THAT THE REAL ADVANCES WERE MADE...

RENAISSANCE THAT THE REAL ADVANCES WERE MADE... BEGINNING WITH THE, UH...

ADVANCES WERE MADE... BEGINNING WITH THE, UH... JUST A MINUTE, DARLING.

BEGINNING WITH THE, UH... JUST A MINUTE, DARLING. BEGINNING WITH THE

JUST A MINUTE, DARLING. BEGINNING WITH THE MOVABLE-TYPE MOTHER.

BEGINNING WITH THE MOVABLE-TYPE MOTHER. AND SUDDENLY MOTHERS WERE

MOVABLE-TYPE MOTHER. AND SUDDENLY MOTHERS WERE AVAILABLE TO EVERYONE... THE

AND SUDDENLY MOTHERS WERE AVAILABLE TO EVERYONE... THE COMMON MAN, NOT JUST THE

AVAILABLE TO EVERYONE... THE COMMON MAN, NOT JUST THE PRIVILEGED FEW RICH ENOUGH TO

COMMON MAN, NOT JUST THE PRIVILEGED FEW RICH ENOUGH TO AFFORD ONE.

PRIVILEGED FEW RICH ENOUGH TO AFFORD ONE. [LAUGHTER]

AFFORD ONE. [LAUGHTER] [APPLAUSE]

[LAUGHTER] [APPLAUSE] THANK YOU.

[APPLAUSE] THANK YOU. WITH THE INDUSTRIAL AGE CAME THE

THANK YOU. WITH THE INDUSTRIAL AGE CAME THE STEAM-OPERATED MOTHER.

WITH THE INDUSTRIAL AGE CAME THE STEAM-OPERATED MOTHER. MORE DURABLE, SHE WAS MORE

STEAM-OPERATED MOTHER. MORE DURABLE, SHE WAS MORE EFFICIENT AND EASIER TO KEEP

MORE DURABLE, SHE WAS MORE EFFICIENT AND EASIER TO KEEP CLEAN.

EFFICIENT AND EASIER TO KEEP CLEAN. MINOR IMPROVEMENTS CONTINUED TO

CLEAN. MINOR IMPROVEMENTS CONTINUED TO BE MADE, AND MOTHERS BECAME MORE

MINOR IMPROVEMENTS CONTINUED TO BE MADE, AND MOTHERS BECAME MORE LIFELIKE WITH EACH PASSING YEAR.

BE MADE, AND MOTHERS BECAME MORE LIFELIKE WITH EACH PASSING YEAR. BUT IT TOOK THOMAS ALVA EDISON

LIFELIKE WITH EACH PASSING YEAR. BUT IT TOOK THOMAS ALVA EDISON TO PUT A TWINKLE IN HER EYE WITH

BUT IT TOOK THOMAS ALVA EDISON TO PUT A TWINKLE IN HER EYE WITH THE INCANDESCENT MOTHER.

TO PUT A TWINKLE IN HER EYE WITH THE INCANDESCENT MOTHER. NOW YOU COULD READ BY MOTHERS

THE INCANDESCENT MOTHER. NOW YOU COULD READ BY MOTHERS AND SEE THEM MORE EASILY AT

NOW YOU COULD READ BY MOTHERS AND SEE THEM MORE EASILY AT NIGHT.

AND SEE THEM MORE EASILY AT NIGHT. BUT THEY DID ATTRACT MOTHS.

NIGHT. BUT THEY DID ATTRACT MOTHS. INVENTION FOLLOWED INVENTION,

BUT THEY DID ATTRACT MOTHS. INVENTION FOLLOWED INVENTION, SOMETIMES WITH DISASTROUS

INVENTION FOLLOWED INVENTION, SOMETIMES WITH DISASTROUS RESULTS.

SOMETIMES WITH DISASTROUS RESULTS. SOME OF YOU IN THIS AUDIENCE MAY

RESULTS. SOME OF YOU IN THIS AUDIENCE MAY HAVE HAD SOME OF THOSE EARLY

SOME OF YOU IN THIS AUDIENCE MAY HAVE HAD SOME OF THOSE EARLY AWFUL CELLULOID MOTHERS, LATER

HAVE HAD SOME OF THOSE EARLY AWFUL CELLULOID MOTHERS, LATER RECALLED BECAUSE OF THEIR

AWFUL CELLULOID MOTHERS, LATER RECALLED BECAUSE OF THEIR TENDENCY TO BURST INTO FLAMES.

RECALLED BECAUSE OF THEIR TENDENCY TO BURST INTO FLAMES. [LAUGHTER]

TENDENCY TO BURST INTO FLAMES. [LAUGHTER] I MYSELF WAS FORTUNATE ENOUGH

[LAUGHTER] I MYSELF WAS FORTUNATE ENOUGH TO HAVE ONE OF THE GAS-TURBINE

I MYSELF WAS FORTUNATE ENOUGH TO HAVE ONE OF THE GAS-TURBINE MOTHERS OF THE 1950s, NOW

TO HAVE ONE OF THE GAS-TURBINE MOTHERS OF THE 1950s, NOW CONSIDERED CUMBERSOME AND

MOTHERS OF THE 1950s, NOW CONSIDERED CUMBERSOME AND OLD-FASHIONED NEXT TO TODAY'S

CONSIDERED CUMBERSOME AND OLD-FASHIONED NEXT TO TODAY'S 100% SOLID-STATE,

OLD-FASHIONED NEXT TO TODAY'S 100% SOLID-STATE, ALL-TRANSISTORIZED MOTHERS WITH

100% SOLID-STATE, ALL-TRANSISTORIZED MOTHERS WITH DEEP-SHAG PILE.

ALL-TRANSISTORIZED MOTHERS WITH DEEP-SHAG PILE. AS FOR THE MOTHERS OF THE

DEEP-SHAG PILE. AS FOR THE MOTHERS OF THE FUTURE, WELL, I HAVE A DREAM.

AS FOR THE MOTHERS OF THE FUTURE, WELL, I HAVE A DREAM. I DREAM THAT ONE DAY MY CHILD,

FUTURE, WELL, I HAVE A DREAM. I DREAM THAT ONE DAY MY CHILD, HUNTER, WILL LIVE TO SEE MOTHERS

I DREAM THAT ONE DAY MY CHILD, HUNTER, WILL LIVE TO SEE MOTHERS DOCKED IN SPACE.

HUNTER, WILL LIVE TO SEE MOTHERS DOCKED IN SPACE. [STRAUSS' "ALSO SPRACH

DOCKED IN SPACE. [STRAUSS' "ALSO SPRACH ZARATHUSTRA" PLAYS

[STRAUSS' "ALSO SPRACH ZARATHUSTRA" PLAYS [LAUGHTER]

ZARATHUSTRA" PLAYS [LAUGHTER] WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

[LAUGHTER] WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

HELLO, I'M BABA WAWA. AND WELCOME TO "BABA WAWA AT LARGE."

AND WELCOME TO "BABA WAWA AT LARGE." WE'RE REALLY VERY, VERY LUCKY TO

LARGE." WE'RE REALLY VERY, VERY LUCKY TO HAVE AS OUR GUEST TODAY THE

WE'RE REALLY VERY, VERY LUCKY TO HAVE AS OUR GUEST TODAY THE CONTROVERSIAL PRIME MINISTER OF

HAVE AS OUR GUEST TODAY THE CONTROVERSIAL PRIME MINISTER OF POLITICALLY TROUBLED INDIA,

CONTROVERSIAL PRIME MINISTER OF POLITICALLY TROUBLED INDIA, MRS. INDIRA GANDHI.

POLITICALLY TROUBLED INDIA, MRS. INDIRA GANDHI. MRS. GANDHI, 18 MONTHS AGO, YOU

MRS. INDIRA GANDHI. MRS. GANDHI, 18 MONTHS AGO, YOU DECLARED AN UNPRECEDENTED STATE

MRS. GANDHI, 18 MONTHS AGO, YOU DECLARED AN UNPRECEDENTED STATE OF NATIONAL EMERGENCY.

DECLARED AN UNPRECEDENTED STATE OF NATIONAL EMERGENCY. LET'S GET RIGHT TO THE QUESTION

OF NATIONAL EMERGENCY. LET'S GET RIGHT TO THE QUESTION I KNOW THE WHOLE COUNTRY IS

LET'S GET RIGHT TO THE QUESTION I KNOW THE WHOLE COUNTRY IS DYING TO ASK... WHERE DID YOU

I KNOW THE WHOLE COUNTRY IS DYING TO ASK... WHERE DID YOU GET THOSE LOVELY CLOTHES?

DYING TO ASK... WHERE DID YOU GET THOSE LOVELY CLOTHES? I GOT THEM FROM A VERY SWEET

GET THOSE LOVELY CLOTHES? I GOT THEM FROM A VERY SWEET LITTLE OLD LADY.

I GOT THEM FROM A VERY SWEET LITTLE OLD LADY. WHO LIVES IN A SHOE?

LITTLE OLD LADY. WHO LIVES IN A SHOE? NO, NO, NO.

WHO LIVES IN A SHOE? NO, NO, NO. IN A DETENTION CAMP NEAR BOMBAY.

NO, NO, NO. IN A DETENTION CAMP NEAR BOMBAY. SHE WAS OVERCHARGING ME, AND IN

IN A DETENTION CAMP NEAR BOMBAY. SHE WAS OVERCHARGING ME, AND IN OUR REVISED CONSTITUTION, THIS

SHE WAS OVERCHARGING ME, AND IN OUR REVISED CONSTITUTION, THIS MEANS THE DEATH PENALTY.

OUR REVISED CONSTITUTION, THIS MEANS THE DEATH PENALTY. THE DEATH PENALTY?

MEANS THE DEATH PENALTY. THE DEATH PENALTY? OH, OF COURSE.

THE DEATH PENALTY? OH, OF COURSE. BUT SINCE SHE WAS SO VERY, VERY

OH, OF COURSE. BUT SINCE SHE WAS SO VERY, VERY OLD, IT WAS COMMUTED TO A LIFE

BUT SINCE SHE WAS SO VERY, VERY OLD, IT WAS COMMUTED TO A LIFE OF HARD LABOR.

OLD, IT WAS COMMUTED TO A LIFE OF HARD LABOR. A VERY, VERY TOUCHING

OF HARD LABOR. A VERY, VERY TOUCHING PERSONAL REVELATION...

A VERY, VERY TOUCHING PERSONAL REVELATION... THE KIND I, BABA WAWA, ARE SO

PERSONAL REVELATION... THE KIND I, BABA WAWA, ARE SO JUSTLY FAMOUS FOR ELICITING FROM

THE KIND I, BABA WAWA, ARE SO JUSTLY FAMOUS FOR ELICITING FROM THE GREAT AND NEAR-GREAT.

JUSTLY FAMOUS FOR ELICITING FROM THE GREAT AND NEAR-GREAT. BUT, INDIRA, LET'S BE FRANK.

THE GREAT AND NEAR-GREAT. BUT, INDIRA, LET'S BE FRANK. IS INDIA TODAY DEMOCRATIC?

BUT, INDIRA, LET'S BE FRANK. IS INDIA TODAY DEMOCRATIC? I CAN SAY THIS, DEAR

IS INDIA TODAY DEMOCRATIC? I CAN SAY THIS, DEAR MS. WAWA.

I CAN SAY THIS, DEAR MS. WAWA. ONLY IN THE PAST 18 MONTHS, I

MS. WAWA. ONLY IN THE PAST 18 MONTHS, I HAVE HEARD NOT ONE SINGLE

ONLY IN THE PAST 18 MONTHS, I HAVE HEARD NOT ONE SINGLE WHIMPER OF COMPLAINT.

HAVE HEARD NOT ONE SINGLE WHIMPER OF COMPLAINT. NOT A SINGLE WHIMPER?

WHIMPER OF COMPLAINT. NOT A SINGLE WHIMPER? OH, MAYBE ONE OR TWO FEEBLE

NOT A SINGLE WHIMPER? OH, MAYBE ONE OR TWO FEEBLE LITTLE PEEPS BUT NO COMPLAINTS.

OH, MAYBE ONE OR TWO FEEBLE LITTLE PEEPS BUT NO COMPLAINTS. BUT SURELY, INDIRA, YOU ARE

LITTLE PEEPS BUT NO COMPLAINTS. BUT SURELY, INDIRA, YOU ARE AWARE THAT THOUSANDS OF PEOPLE

BUT SURELY, INDIRA, YOU ARE AWARE THAT THOUSANDS OF PEOPLE HAVE BEEN THROWN IN PRISON

AWARE THAT THOUSANDS OF PEOPLE HAVE BEEN THROWN IN PRISON SIMPLY FOR WRITING PAMPHLETS

HAVE BEEN THROWN IN PRISON SIMPLY FOR WRITING PAMPHLETS THAT WERE CRITICAL OF YOUR

SIMPLY FOR WRITING PAMPHLETS THAT WERE CRITICAL OF YOUR REGIME.

THAT WERE CRITICAL OF YOUR REGIME. PRISON.

REGIME. PRISON. "PRISON" IS A WESTERN WORD.

PRISON. "PRISON" IS A WESTERN WORD. SCHOOLS, MS. WAWA.

"PRISON" IS A WESTERN WORD. SCHOOLS, MS. WAWA. WE CALL THEM SCHOOLS.

SCHOOLS, MS. WAWA. WE CALL THEM SCHOOLS. THESE PAMPHLETS... THEY ARE SO

WE CALL THEM SCHOOLS. THESE PAMPHLETS... THEY ARE SO ILLITERATE.

THESE PAMPHLETS... THEY ARE SO ILLITERATE. WE SEND THE AUTHORS TO WRITING

ILLITERATE. WE SEND THE AUTHORS TO WRITING SCHOOL.

WE SEND THE AUTHORS TO WRITING SCHOOL. THAT IS ALL.

SCHOOL. THAT IS ALL. THEY TAKE A WRITING COURSE.

THAT IS ALL. THEY TAKE A WRITING COURSE. REALLY?

THEY TAKE A WRITING COURSE. REALLY? REMEDIAL READING AND WRITING FOR

REALLY? REMEDIAL READING AND WRITING FOR CRITICAL ILLITERATES?

REMEDIAL READING AND WRITING FOR CRITICAL ILLITERATES? IT SEEMS SO RUTHLESS AND

CRITICAL ILLITERATES? IT SEEMS SO RUTHLESS AND IRRATIONAL.

IT SEEMS SO RUTHLESS AND IRRATIONAL. I MEAN, HOW LONG DO THESE

IRRATIONAL. I MEAN, HOW LONG DO THESE COURSES TAKE?

I MEAN, HOW LONG DO THESE COURSES TAKE? 99 YEARS TO LIFE.

COURSES TAKE? 99 YEARS TO LIFE. BUT WHAT OF THE SO-CALLED

99 YEARS TO LIFE. BUT WHAT OF THE SO-CALLED OVERCROWDING IN THESE SCHOOLS?

BUT WHAT OF THE SO-CALLED OVERCROWDING IN THESE SCHOOLS? OVERCROWDING?

OVERCROWDING IN THESE SCHOOLS? OVERCROWDING? MY DEAR MS. WAWA, DO YOU NOT

OVERCROWDING? MY DEAR MS. WAWA, DO YOU NOT READ NATIONAL GEOGRAPHIC

MY DEAR MS. WAWA, DO YOU NOT READ NATIONAL GEOGRAPHIC MAGAZINE?

READ NATIONAL GEOGRAPHIC MAGAZINE? ALL OF INDIA IS OVERCROWDED.

MAGAZINE? ALL OF INDIA IS OVERCROWDED. IT'S VERY, VERY, VERY, VERY,

ALL OF INDIA IS OVERCROWDED. IT'S VERY, VERY, VERY, VERY, VERY CROWDED.

IT'S VERY, VERY, VERY, VERY, VERY CROWDED. BUT, INDIRA, IS ALL THIS BAD

VERY CROWDED. BUT, INDIRA, IS ALL THIS BAD PUBLICITY THE RESULT OF

BUT, INDIRA, IS ALL THIS BAD PUBLICITY THE RESULT OF DISTORTIONS IN THE PRESS?

PUBLICITY THE RESULT OF DISTORTIONS IN THE PRESS? YOU MUST JUDGE FOR YOURSELF.

DISTORTIONS IN THE PRESS? YOU MUST JUDGE FOR YOURSELF. RECENTLY ONE OF MY FORMER

YOU MUST JUDGE FOR YOURSELF. RECENTLY ONE OF MY FORMER MINISTERS PULLED OUT ALL OF HIS

RECENTLY ONE OF MY FORMER MINISTERS PULLED OUT ALL OF HIS OWN FINGERNAILS IN A TERRIBLE,

MINISTERS PULLED OUT ALL OF HIS OWN FINGERNAILS IN A TERRIBLE, NASTY BATHROOM ACCIDENT.

OWN FINGERNAILS IN A TERRIBLE, NASTY BATHROOM ACCIDENT. THE PRESS... THEY MADE CERTAIN

NASTY BATHROOM ACCIDENT. THE PRESS... THEY MADE CERTAIN RIDICULOUS CHARGES OF TORTURE.

THE PRESS... THEY MADE CERTAIN RIDICULOUS CHARGES OF TORTURE. IT WAS VERY BAD BUSINESS.

RIDICULOUS CHARGES OF TORTURE. IT WAS VERY BAD BUSINESS. YES, I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT YOU

IT WAS VERY BAD BUSINESS. YES, I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT YOU MEAN.

YES, I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT YOU MEAN. WHY, JUST LAST WEEK, PEOPLE

MEAN. WHY, JUST LAST WEEK, PEOPLE MAGAZINE PRINTED AN ARTICLE THAT

WHY, JUST LAST WEEK, PEOPLE MAGAZINE PRINTED AN ARTICLE THAT SAID I WENT TO A PARTY WEARING A

MAGAZINE PRINTED AN ARTICLE THAT SAID I WENT TO A PARTY WEARING A BLUE SAINT LAURENT WHEN ACTUALLY

SAID I WENT TO A PARTY WEARING A BLUE SAINT LAURENT WHEN ACTUALLY IT WAS A PINK SCHIAPARELLI.

BLUE SAINT LAURENT WHEN ACTUALLY IT WAS A PINK SCHIAPARELLI. WE WOMEN IN PUBLIC LIFE

IT WAS A PINK SCHIAPARELLI. WE WOMEN IN PUBLIC LIFE SUFFER SO.

WE WOMEN IN PUBLIC LIFE SUFFER SO. LET'S SUMMARIZE, INDIRA.

SUFFER SO. LET'S SUMMARIZE, INDIRA. YOU SAY INDIA IS A DEMOCRACY,

LET'S SUMMARIZE, INDIRA. YOU SAY INDIA IS A DEMOCRACY, THAT THERE IS NO RESTRICTION ON

YOU SAY INDIA IS A DEMOCRACY, THAT THERE IS NO RESTRICTION ON CIVIL RIGHTS.

THAT THERE IS NO RESTRICTION ON CIVIL RIGHTS. WE, IN AMERICA, ARE JUST ABOUT

CIVIL RIGHTS. WE, IN AMERICA, ARE JUST ABOUT TO HOLD NATIONAL FREE ELECTIONS.

WE, IN AMERICA, ARE JUST ABOUT TO HOLD NATIONAL FREE ELECTIONS. ARE YOU GOING TO HOLD FREE

TO HOLD NATIONAL FREE ELECTIONS. ARE YOU GOING TO HOLD FREE ELECTIONS IN INDIA?

ARE YOU GOING TO HOLD FREE ELECTIONS IN INDIA? MS. WAWA, ELECTIONS IN INDIA

ELECTIONS IN INDIA? MS. WAWA, ELECTIONS IN INDIA ARE FREE NOW.

MS. WAWA, ELECTIONS IN INDIA ARE FREE NOW. NOT ONE RUPEE DOES THE DEAR

ARE FREE NOW. NOT ONE RUPEE DOES THE DEAR VOTER PAY, NOT ONE SINGLE RUPEE,

NOT ONE RUPEE DOES THE DEAR VOTER PAY, NOT ONE SINGLE RUPEE, NOT ONE.

VOTER PAY, NOT ONE SINGLE RUPEE, NOT ONE. IT'S ABSOLUTELY FREE.

NOT ONE. IT'S ABSOLUTELY FREE. WELL, OUR TIME'S UP.

IT'S ABSOLUTELY FREE. WELL, OUR TIME'S UP. I WANT TO THANK YOU VERY MUCH,

WELL, OUR TIME'S UP. I WANT TO THANK YOU VERY MUCH, MRS. INDIRA GANDHI, FOR BEING

I WANT TO THANK YOU VERY MUCH, MRS. INDIRA GANDHI, FOR BEING OUR SPECIAL GUEST.

MRS. INDIRA GANDHI, FOR BEING OUR SPECIAL GUEST. AND, INCIDENTALLY, I'VE BEEN

OUR SPECIAL GUEST. AND, INCIDENTALLY, I'VE BEEN MEANING TO TELL YOU, DO YOU KNOW

AND, INCIDENTALLY, I'VE BEEN MEANING TO TELL YOU, DO YOU KNOW YOU HAVE A PIMENTO RIGHT THERE

MEANING TO TELL YOU, DO YOU KNOW YOU HAVE A PIMENTO RIGHT THERE ON YOUR FOREHEAD?

YOU HAVE A PIMENTO RIGHT THERE ON YOUR FOREHEAD? DON'T TOUCH ME!

ON YOUR FOREHEAD? DON'T TOUCH ME! I'M PERFECTLY HEALTHY.

DON'T TOUCH ME! I'M PERFECTLY HEALTHY. WELL, THANK YOU, MRS. GANDHI

I'M PERFECTLY HEALTHY. WELL, THANK YOU, MRS. GANDHI AND INDIA.

WELL, THANK YOU, MRS. GANDHI AND INDIA. THIS IS BABA WAWA SAYING GOOD

AND INDIA. THIS IS BABA WAWA SAYING GOOD NIGHT.

Announcer: AND NOW THE THREE TELEVISION NETWORKS JOIN WITH THE LEAGUE OF WOMEN VOTERS TO

TELEVISION NETWORKS JOIN WITH THE LEAGUE OF WOMEN VOTERS TO BRING YOU "DEBATE '76."

THE LEAGUE OF WOMEN VOTERS TO BRING YOU "DEBATE '76." GOOD EVENING.

BRING YOU "DEBATE '76." GOOD EVENING. I'M ANN WRABEL, YOUR MODERATOR

GOOD EVENING. I'M ANN WRABEL, YOUR MODERATOR FOR THIS THIRD TELEVISED DEBATE

I'M ANN WRABEL, YOUR MODERATOR FOR THIS THIRD TELEVISED DEBATE BETWEEN PRESIDENT GERALD R. FORD

FOR THIS THIRD TELEVISED DEBATE BETWEEN PRESIDENT GERALD R. FORD AND THE DEMOCRATIC NOMINEE FOR

BETWEEN PRESIDENT GERALD R. FORD AND THE DEMOCRATIC NOMINEE FOR PRESIDENT, FORMER GEORGIA

AND THE DEMOCRATIC NOMINEE FOR PRESIDENT, FORMER GEORGIA GOVERNOR JIMMY CARTER.

PRESIDENT, FORMER GEORGIA GOVERNOR JIMMY CARTER. NOW I WILL INTRODUCE THE THREE

GOVERNOR JIMMY CARTER. NOW I WILL INTRODUCE THE THREE JOURNALISTS WHO WILL BE ASKING

NOW I WILL INTRODUCE THE THREE JOURNALISTS WHO WILL BE ASKING THE QUESTIONS TONIGHT.

EARL ROWLAND OF THE CHICAGO

TRIBUNE, AUTHOR OF "MINORITIES

IN POLITICS."

LIZ MONTGOMERY OF THE NEW YORK

POST, AUTHOR OF "WOMEN IN

POLITICS."

AND MARILYN KRAUS OF THE ROLLING

STONE MAGAZINE...

AUTHOR OF "TRANSSEXUALS IN

POLITICS."

BECAUSE THIS IS THE LAST OF THESE HISTORIC DEBATES, WE WILL BEGIN WITH OUR NATIONAL ANTHEM.

THESE HISTORIC DEBATES, WE WILL BEGIN WITH OUR NATIONAL ANTHEM. ["THE STAR-SPANGLED BANNER"

BEGIN WITH OUR NATIONAL ANTHEM. ["THE STAR-SPANGLED BANNER" PLAYS]

["THE STAR-SPANGLED BANNER" PLAYS] [BUZZER]

[PLAYS] [BUZZER] I CAN NAME THAT TUNE IN FOUR

[BUZZER] I CAN NAME THAT TUNE IN FOUR NOTES.

I CAN NAME THAT TUNE IN FOUR NOTES. NO, NO.

NOTES. NO, NO. "THE STAR-SPANGLED BANNER."

NO, NO. "THE STAR-SPANGLED BANNER." NO, MR. PRESIDENT.

"THE STAR-SPANGLED BANNER." NO, MR. PRESIDENT. NO?

NO, MR. PRESIDENT. NO? "THE BATTLE HYMN OF THE

NO? "THE BATTLE HYMN OF THE REPUBLIC"?

"THE BATTLE HYMN OF THE REPUBLIC"? HOW ABOUT "I GOTTA BE ME"?

REPUBLIC"? HOW ABOUT "I GOTTA BE ME"? NO, "I'VE GOTTA BE ME"

HOW ABOUT "I GOTTA BE ME"? NO, "I'VE GOTTA BE ME" GOES...

NO, "I'VE GOTTA BE ME" GOES... ♪ I GOTTA BE... ♪

GOES... ♪ I GOTTA BE... ♪ ♪ WHETHER I'M RIGHT... ♪

♪ I GOTTA BE... ♪ ♪ WHETHER I'M RIGHT... ♪ LET'S JUST FORGET THE

♪ WHETHER I'M RIGHT... ♪ LET'S JUST FORGET THE NATIONAL ANTHEM AND MOVE RIGHT

LET'S JUST FORGET THE NATIONAL ANTHEM AND MOVE RIGHT INTO THE BODY OF OUR DEBATE.

NATIONAL ANTHEM AND MOVE RIGHT INTO THE BODY OF OUR DEBATE. MR. ROWLAND, A QUESTION FOR

INTO THE BODY OF OUR DEBATE. MR. ROWLAND, A QUESTION FOR GOVERNOR CARTER.

MR. ROWLAND, A QUESTION FOR GOVERNOR CARTER. GOVERNOR CARTER, SINCE AFTER

GOVERNOR CARTER. GOVERNOR CARTER, SINCE AFTER THE LAST DEBATE, YOU HAVE BEEN

GOVERNOR CARTER, SINCE AFTER THE LAST DEBATE, YOU HAVE BEEN CRITICIZED FOR ANSWERING THE

THE LAST DEBATE, YOU HAVE BEEN CRITICIZED FOR ANSWERING THE QUESTION DIRECTLY.

CRITICIZED FOR ANSWERING THE QUESTION DIRECTLY. NOW, KEEPING THIS IN MIND, WHY

QUESTION DIRECTLY. NOW, KEEPING THIS IN MIND, WHY DO YOU OPPOSE THE B-1 BOMBER?

NOW, KEEPING THIS IN MIND, WHY DO YOU OPPOSE THE B-1 BOMBER? MR. ROWLAND, THAT'S A VERY

DO YOU OPPOSE THE B-1 BOMBER? MR. ROWLAND, THAT'S A VERY COMPLICATED ISSUE, AND I'D LIKE

MR. ROWLAND, THAT'S A VERY COMPLICATED ISSUE, AND I'D LIKE TO BREAK THAT QUESTION DOWN INTO

COMPLICATED ISSUE, AND I'D LIKE TO BREAK THAT QUESTION DOWN INTO TWO PARTS, IF I MIGHT.

TO BREAK THAT QUESTION DOWN INTO TWO PARTS, IF I MIGHT. THE FIRST PART, OF COURSE, IS

TWO PARTS, IF I MIGHT. THE FIRST PART, OF COURSE, IS THE GENERAL QUESTION, "WHY,"

THE FIRST PART, OF COURSE, IS THE GENERAL QUESTION, "WHY," THAT HAS PLAGUED PHILOSOPHERS

THE GENERAL QUESTION, "WHY," THAT HAS PLAGUED PHILOSOPHERS FROM SOCRATES TO THOMAS AQUINAS

THAT HAS PLAGUED PHILOSOPHERS FROM SOCRATES TO THOMAS AQUINAS TO BOB DYLAN.

FROM SOCRATES TO THOMAS AQUINAS TO BOB DYLAN. NOW, I COULD NOT BEGIN TO ANSWER

TO BOB DYLAN. NOW, I COULD NOT BEGIN TO ANSWER THAT QUESTION IN THE ALLOTTED

NOW, I COULD NOT BEGIN TO ANSWER THAT QUESTION IN THE ALLOTTED TIME HERE.

THAT QUESTION IN THE ALLOTTED TIME HERE. OF COURSE, THE SECOND PART OF

TIME HERE. OF COURSE, THE SECOND PART OF THE QUESTION IS, DO I OPPOSE THE

OF COURSE, THE SECOND PART OF THE QUESTION IS, DO I OPPOSE THE B-1 BOMBER?

THE QUESTION IS, DO I OPPOSE THE B-1 BOMBER? YES.

B-1 BOMBER? YES. [BUZZER]

YES. [BUZZER] MS. MONTGOMERY, A QUESTION

[BUZZER] MS. MONTGOMERY, A QUESTION FOR GOVERNOR FORD... OH, I'M

MS. MONTGOMERY, A QUESTION FOR GOVERNOR FORD... OH, I'M SORRY... PRESIDENT FORD.

FOR GOVERNOR FORD... OH, I'M SORRY... PRESIDENT FORD. MR. PRESIDENT, THIS WEEK YOU

SORRY... PRESIDENT FORD. MR. PRESIDENT, THIS WEEK YOU ADMITTED MAKING A MISTAKE IN THE

MR. PRESIDENT, THIS WEEK YOU ADMITTED MAKING A MISTAKE IN THE LAST DEBATE WHEN YOU ASSERTED

ADMITTED MAKING A MISTAKE IN THE LAST DEBATE WHEN YOU ASSERTED THAT EASTERN EUROPEANS ARE

LAST DEBATE WHEN YOU ASSERTED THAT EASTERN EUROPEANS ARE AUTONOMOUS AND INDEPENDENT AND

THAT EASTERN EUROPEANS ARE AUTONOMOUS AND INDEPENDENT AND THAT THEY DON'T CONSIDER

AUTONOMOUS AND INDEPENDENT AND THAT THEY DON'T CONSIDER THEMSELVES DOMINATED BY THE

THAT THEY DON'T CONSIDER THEMSELVES DOMINATED BY THE SOVIET UNION.

THEMSELVES DOMINATED BY THE SOVIET UNION. CERTAINLY ANYONE CAN CRACK UNDER

SOVIET UNION. CERTAINLY ANYONE CAN CRACK UNDER THE PRESSURE OF THESE DEBATES

CERTAINLY ANYONE CAN CRACK UNDER THE PRESSURE OF THESE DEBATES AND SAY SOMETHING INCREDIBLY

THE PRESSURE OF THESE DEBATES AND SAY SOMETHING INCREDIBLY DUMB, BUT TO SET THE RECORD

AND SAY SOMETHING INCREDIBLY DUMB, BUT TO SET THE RECORD STRAIGHT, COULD YOU DESCRIBE

DUMB, BUT TO SET THE RECORD STRAIGHT, COULD YOU DESCRIBE WHAT YOU SAW ON YOUR LAST VISIT

STRAIGHT, COULD YOU DESCRIBE WHAT YOU SAW ON YOUR LAST VISIT TO POLAND?

WHAT YOU SAW ON YOUR LAST VISIT TO POLAND? MS. MIDVOWER... MONTGOMERY...

TO POLAND? MS. MIDVOWER... MONTGOMERY... GOMERY, LAST YEAR I VISITED THE

MS. MIDVOWER... MONTGOMERY... GOMERY, LAST YEAR I VISITED THE CAPITAL OF POLAND.

GOMERY, LAST YEAR I VISITED THE CAPITAL OF POLAND. AND LET ME JUST SAY FROM THE

CAPITAL OF POLAND. AND LET ME JUST SAY FROM THE OUTSET THAT MILWAUKEE IS A

AND LET ME JUST SAY FROM THE OUTSET THAT MILWAUKEE IS A BEAUTIFUL CITY, MY DEAR.

OUTSET THAT MILWAUKEE IS A BEAUTIFUL CITY, MY DEAR. I SENSE THEIR VERY INDEPENDENT

BEAUTIFUL CITY, MY DEAR. I SENSE THEIR VERY INDEPENDENT AND AUTONOMOUS SPIRIT, MUCH LIKE

I SENSE THEIR VERY INDEPENDENT AND AUTONOMOUS SPIRIT, MUCH LIKE THE VOTERS OF OUR OWN

AND AUTONOMOUS SPIRIT, MUCH LIKE THE VOTERS OF OUR OWN NORTHWESTERN AND NORTHEASTERN

THE VOTERS OF OUR OWN NORTHWESTERN AND NORTHEASTERN URBAN CENTERS.

NORTHWESTERN AND NORTHEASTERN URBAN CENTERS. BUT BECAUSE OF SOVIET

URBAN CENTERS. BUT BECAUSE OF SOVIET DOMINATION, THE POLLS DON'T SEEM

BUT BECAUSE OF SOVIET DOMINATION, THE POLLS DON'T SEEM TO HAVE THE EQUIPMENT, UH, TAKE

DOMINATION, THE POLLS DON'T SEEM TO HAVE THE EQUIPMENT, UH, TAKE FOR GRANTED... THAT WE TAKE FOR

TO HAVE THE EQUIPMENT, UH, TAKE FOR GRANTED... THAT WE TAKE FOR GRANTED HERE IN THE GREAT

FOR GRANTED... THAT WE TAKE FOR GRANTED HERE IN THE GREAT UNITED STATES.

GRANTED HERE IN THE GREAT UNITED STATES. EXCUSE ME.

UNITED STATES. EXCUSE ME. I'LL NEVER FORGET... I WAS IN MY

EXCUSE ME. I'LL NEVER FORGET... I WAS IN MY HOTEL ROOM THERE IN MILWAUKEE.

I'LL NEVER FORGET... I WAS IN MY HOTEL ROOM THERE IN MILWAUKEE. MY LIGHT BULB FAILED ME.

HOTEL ROOM THERE IN MILWAUKEE. MY LIGHT BULB FAILED ME. WELL, I GOT UP ON THE DESK, AND,

MY LIGHT BULB FAILED ME. WELL, I GOT UP ON THE DESK, AND, OF COURSE, I HAD TO CALL IN A

WELL, I GOT UP ON THE DESK, AND, OF COURSE, I HAD TO CALL IN A FEW SECRET SERVICE MEN TO COME

OF COURSE, I HAD TO CALL IN A FEW SECRET SERVICE MEN TO COME IN AND SPIN THAT DESK AROUND

FEW SECRET SERVICE MEN TO COME IN AND SPIN THAT DESK AROUND WHILE I PUT THE BULB IN.

IN AND SPIN THAT DESK AROUND WHILE I PUT THE BULB IN. [BUZZER]

WHILE I PUT THE BULB IN. [BUZZER] EXCUSE ME.

[BUZZER] EXCUSE ME. MARILYN KRAUS, A QUESTION FOR

EXCUSE ME. MARILYN KRAUS, A QUESTION FOR GOVERNOR CARTER.

MARILYN KRAUS, A QUESTION FOR GOVERNOR CARTER. UH, YES.

GOVERNOR CARTER. UH, YES. [CLEARS THROAT]

UH, YES. [CLEARS THROAT] EXCUSE ME.

[CLEARS THROAT] EXCUSE ME. [SNIFFS]

EXCUSE ME. [SNIFFS] UH...

[SNIFFS] UH... MR. CARTER, YOU'VE BEEN

UH... MR. CARTER, YOU'VE BEEN CRITICIZED BY PRESIDENT FORD FOR

MR. CARTER, YOU'VE BEEN CRITICIZED BY PRESIDENT FORD FOR MAKING UNFAIRLY BITTER PERSONAL

CRITICIZED BY PRESIDENT FORD FOR MAKING UNFAIRLY BITTER PERSONAL ATTACKS ON HIM.

MAKING UNFAIRLY BITTER PERSONAL ATTACKS ON HIM. NOW, HOW DO YOU ANSWER THIS

ATTACKS ON HIM. NOW, HOW DO YOU ANSWER THIS CHARGE, SIR?

NOW, HOW DO YOU ANSWER THIS CHARGE, SIR? BITTER?

CHARGE, SIR? BITTER? UM...

BITTER? UM... MR. KRAUS, IN THE 1930s IN

UM... MR. KRAUS, IN THE 1930s IN EUROPE, A MAN CRITICIZED HIS

MR. KRAUS, IN THE 1930s IN EUROPE, A MAN CRITICIZED HIS POLITICAL OPPONENTS FOR THEIR

EUROPE, A MAN CRITICIZED HIS POLITICAL OPPONENTS FOR THEIR BITTER PERSONAL ATTACKS ON HIM.

POLITICAL OPPONENTS FOR THEIR BITTER PERSONAL ATTACKS ON HIM. AND THAT MAN WAS ADOLF HITLER.

BITTER PERSONAL ATTACKS ON HIM. AND THAT MAN WAS ADOLF HITLER. NOW, ADOLF HITLER WAS

AND THAT MAN WAS ADOLF HITLER. NOW, ADOLF HITLER WAS RESPONSIBLE FOR THE DEATHS OF

NOW, ADOLF HITLER WAS RESPONSIBLE FOR THE DEATHS OF OVER 50 MILLION PEOPLE DURING

RESPONSIBLE FOR THE DEATHS OF OVER 50 MILLION PEOPLE DURING WORLD WAR II.

OVER 50 MILLION PEOPLE DURING WORLD WAR II. NOW, I DON'T BELIEVE THAT

WORLD WAR II. NOW, I DON'T BELIEVE THAT MR. FORD WOULD PURPOSELY KILL 50

NOW, I DON'T BELIEVE THAT MR. FORD WOULD PURPOSELY KILL 50 MILLION PEOPLE.

MR. FORD WOULD PURPOSELY KILL 50 MILLION PEOPLE. BUT HIS LACK OF LEADERSHIP MAY

MILLION PEOPLE. BUT HIS LACK OF LEADERSHIP MAY LEAD TO A TOTAL FIERY, DEMONIC

BUT HIS LACK OF LEADERSHIP MAY LEAD TO A TOTAL FIERY, DEMONIC HOLOCAUST.

LEAD TO A TOTAL FIERY, DEMONIC HOLOCAUST. [BUZZER]

HOLOCAUST. [BUZZER] PRESIDENT FORD...

[BUZZER] PRESIDENT FORD... REBUTTAL?

PRESIDENT FORD... REBUTTAL? WELL, ONCE AGAIN, MR. CARTER

REBUTTAL? WELL, ONCE AGAIN, MR. CARTER IS PLAYING FAST AND LOOSE WITH

WELL, ONCE AGAIN, MR. CARTER IS PLAYING FAST AND LOOSE WITH HIS FIGURES DURING WORLD WAR II.

IS PLAYING FAST AND LOOSE WITH HIS FIGURES DURING WORLD WAR II. OF COURSE, ONLY 40 MILLION

HIS FIGURES DURING WORLD WAR II. OF COURSE, ONLY 40 MILLION PEOPLE WERE KILLED.

OF COURSE, ONLY 40 MILLION PEOPLE WERE KILLED. [BUZZER]

PEOPLE WERE KILLED. [BUZZER] AAAHH!

[BUZZER] AAAHH! AAH!

AAAHH! AAH! A QUESTION FOR THE PRESIDENT.

AAH! A QUESTION FOR THE PRESIDENT. YES, HOW ABOUT CHILE, WHERE

A QUESTION FOR THE PRESIDENT. YES, HOW ABOUT CHILE, WHERE IN 1973 THE STATE DEPARTMENT,

YES, HOW ABOUT CHILE, WHERE IN 1973 THE STATE DEPARTMENT, UNDER THE DIRECTION OF

IN 1973 THE STATE DEPARTMENT, UNDER THE DIRECTION OF DR. KISSINGER, HELPED OVERTHROW

UNDER THE DIRECTION OF DR. KISSINGER, HELPED OVERTHROW THE DEMOCRATIC ALLENDE

DR. KISSINGER, HELPED OVERTHROW THE DEMOCRATIC ALLENDE GOVERNMENT AND REPLACED IT WITH

THE DEMOCRATIC ALLENDE GOVERNMENT AND REPLACED IT WITH A BRUTAL MILITARY DICTATORSHIP,

GOVERNMENT AND REPLACED IT WITH A BRUTAL MILITARY DICTATORSHIP, WHICH YOU NOW SUPPORT, AND WHICH

A BRUTAL MILITARY DICTATORSHIP, WHICH YOU NOW SUPPORT, AND WHICH TORTURES THOUSANDS OF POLITICAL

WHICH YOU NOW SUPPORT, AND WHICH TORTURES THOUSANDS OF POLITICAL PRISONERS?

TORTURES THOUSANDS OF POLITICAL PRISONERS? NOW, MR. ROWLAND, CHILES ARE

PRISONERS? NOW, MR. ROWLAND, CHILES ARE INDEPENDENT AND AUTONOMOUS

NOW, MR. ROWLAND, CHILES ARE INDEPENDENT AND AUTONOMOUS PEOPLE, AND THEY DON'T CONSIDER

INDEPENDENT AND AUTONOMOUS PEOPLE, AND THEY DON'T CONSIDER BEING BEATEN WITH RUBBER

PEOPLE, AND THEY DON'T CONSIDER BEING BEATEN WITH RUBBER TRUNCHEONS TO BE A TORTURE.

BEING BEATEN WITH RUBBER TRUNCHEONS TO BE A TORTURE. WHY, JUST THE OTHER DAY, I

TRUNCHEONS TO BE A TORTURE. WHY, JUST THE OTHER DAY, I TALKED ON THE PHONE WITH THE

WHY, JUST THE OTHER DAY, I TALKED ON THE PHONE WITH THE DICTATOR OF CHILE, AND HE

TALKED ON THE PHONE WITH THE DICTATOR OF CHILE, AND HE ASSURED ME THAT CHILES CERTAINLY

DICTATOR OF CHILE, AND HE ASSURED ME THAT CHILES CERTAINLY DO NOT BELIEVE THAT HAVING

ASSURED ME THAT CHILES CERTAINLY DO NOT BELIEVE THAT HAVING ELECTRODES PLACED BETWEEN YOUR

DO NOT BELIEVE THAT HAVING ELECTRODES PLACED BETWEEN YOUR GENITALS MEANS YOU'RE UNDER

ELECTRODES PLACED BETWEEN YOUR GENITALS MEANS YOU'RE UNDER DOMINATION.

GENITALS MEANS YOU'RE UNDER DOMINATION. CARE FOR SOME WATER, GOVERNOR?

DOMINATION. CARE FOR SOME WATER, GOVERNOR? I'D LIKE SOME WATER.

CARE FOR SOME WATER, GOVERNOR? I'D LIKE SOME WATER. CERTAINLY.

I'D LIKE SOME WATER. CERTAINLY. UH...

CERTAINLY. UH... UH...

UH... UH... UH, EXCUSE ME, MR. PRESIDENT.

UH... UH, EXCUSE ME, MR. PRESIDENT. UH...

UH, EXCUSE ME, MR. PRESIDENT. UH... UH, MR. PRESIDENT?

UH... UH, MR. PRESIDENT? I WOULD LIKE TO ASK

UH, MR. PRESIDENT? I WOULD LIKE TO ASK GOVERNOR CARTER, IF I MAY.

I WOULD LIKE TO ASK GOVERNOR CARTER, IF I MAY. GOVERNOR CARTER, YOU HAVE SAID

GOVERNOR CARTER, IF I MAY. GOVERNOR CARTER, YOU HAVE SAID THAT THE PLAYBOY INTERVIEW MAY

GOVERNOR CARTER, YOU HAVE SAID THAT THE PLAYBOY INTERVIEW MAY HAVE BEEN A MISTAKE.

THAT THE PLAYBOY INTERVIEW MAY HAVE BEEN A MISTAKE. DO YOU THINK YOU WERE BEING TOO

HAVE BEEN A MISTAKE. DO YOU THINK YOU WERE BEING TOO HONEST WITH THE AMERICAN PEOPLE,

DO YOU THINK YOU WERE BEING TOO HONEST WITH THE AMERICAN PEOPLE, AND DO YOU STILL LUST AFTER

HONEST WITH THE AMERICAN PEOPLE, AND DO YOU STILL LUST AFTER WOMEN?

AND DO YOU STILL LUST AFTER WOMEN? WELL, I DON'T THERE'S SUCH A

WOMEN? WELL, I DON'T THERE'S SUCH A THING AS BEING TOO HONEST,

WELL, I DON'T THERE'S SUCH A THING AS BEING TOO HONEST, MS. MONTGOMERY, AND JUST TO

THING AS BEING TOO HONEST, MS. MONTGOMERY, AND JUST TO PROVE IT, I'M GONNA ANSWER

MS. MONTGOMERY, AND JUST TO PROVE IT, I'M GONNA ANSWER HONESTLY HOW I FEEL RIGHT NOW.

PROVE IT, I'M GONNA ANSWER HONESTLY HOW I FEEL RIGHT NOW. I WANT TO SAY THAT YOU'RE A VERY

HONESTLY HOW I FEEL RIGHT NOW. I WANT TO SAY THAT YOU'RE A VERY ATTRACTIVE WOMAN.

I WANT TO SAY THAT YOU'RE A VERY ATTRACTIVE WOMAN. AND YOUR HAIR LOOKS KIND OF

ATTRACTIVE WOMAN. AND YOUR HAIR LOOKS KIND OF SILKY AND KIND OF SOFT AND,

AND YOUR HAIR LOOKS KIND OF SILKY AND KIND OF SOFT AND, UH...

SILKY AND KIND OF SOFT AND, UH... AT THIS MOMENT, IN MY HEART, I'M

UH... AT THIS MOMENT, IN MY HEART, I'M WEARING A LEATHER MASK AND

AT THIS MOMENT, IN MY HEART, I'M WEARING A LEATHER MASK AND BREATHING IN YOUR EAR.

WEARING A LEATHER MASK AND BREATHING IN YOUR EAR. [BUZZER]

BREATHING IN YOUR EAR. [BUZZER] PRESIDENT FORD, REBUTTAL?

[BUZZER] PRESIDENT FORD, REBUTTAL? WELL, OF COURSE, AS YOU KNOW,

PRESIDENT FORD, REBUTTAL? WELL, OF COURSE, AS YOU KNOW, I HAVE LUSTED AFTER ONLY TWO

WELL, OF COURSE, AS YOU KNOW, I HAVE LUSTED AFTER ONLY TWO WOMEN IN MY LIFE.

I HAVE LUSTED AFTER ONLY TWO WOMEN IN MY LIFE. THEY ARE, OF COURSE, MY LOVELY

WOMEN IN MY LIFE. THEY ARE, OF COURSE, MY LOVELY WIFE, BETTY, AND MY LOVELY

THEY ARE, OF COURSE, MY LOVELY WIFE, BETTY, AND MY LOVELY MOTHER, MOM.

WIFE, BETTY, AND MY LOVELY MOTHER, MOM. [BUZZER]

MOTHER, MOM. [BUZZER] MARILYN KRAUS, A QUESTION FOR

[BUZZER] MARILYN KRAUS, A QUESTION FOR THE PRESIDENT.

MARILYN KRAUS, A QUESTION FOR THE PRESIDENT. UH, YES.

THE PRESIDENT. UH, YES. MR. PRESIDENT, JUST LAST WEEK

UH, YES. MR. PRESIDENT, JUST LAST WEEK YOU WERE ABSOLVED OF ANY GUILT

MR. PRESIDENT, JUST LAST WEEK YOU WERE ABSOLVED OF ANY GUILT CONNECTED WITH YOUR

YOU WERE ABSOLVED OF ANY GUILT CONNECTED WITH YOUR CONGRESSIONAL CAMPAIGN FUNDS.

CONNECTED WITH YOUR CONGRESSIONAL CAMPAIGN FUNDS. HOWEVER, YOU DO ADMIT RECEIVING

CONGRESSIONAL CAMPAIGN FUNDS. HOWEVER, YOU DO ADMIT RECEIVING PAID VACATIONS FROM UNITED

HOWEVER, YOU DO ADMIT RECEIVING PAID VACATIONS FROM UNITED STATES STEEL LOBBYISTS.

PAID VACATIONS FROM UNITED STATES STEEL LOBBYISTS. WHAT IS YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH

STATES STEEL LOBBYISTS. WHAT IS YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH THESE LOBBYISTS OF THE CAPTAINS

WHAT IS YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH THESE LOBBYISTS OF THE CAPTAINS OF INDUSTRY, SIR?

THESE LOBBYISTS OF THE CAPTAINS OF INDUSTRY, SIR? [SNORING]

OF INDUSTRY, SIR? [SNORING] YES, WELL...

[SNORING] YES, WELL... ON THAT POINT, MR. CAKE, K,

YES, WELL... ON THAT POINT, MR. CAKE, K, KATHAN... KRAUS... MR. KRAUS,

ON THAT POINT, MR. CAKE, K, KATHAN... KRAUS... MR. KRAUS, PEOPLE AT U.S. STEEL ARE CLEARLY

KATHAN... KRAUS... MR. KRAUS, PEOPLE AT U.S. STEEL ARE CLEARLY AN INDEPENDENT AND AUTONOMOUS

PEOPLE AT U.S. STEEL ARE CLEARLY AN INDEPENDENT AND AUTONOMOUS PEOPLE, AND I DON'T THINK THEY

AN INDEPENDENT AND AUTONOMOUS PEOPLE, AND I DON'T THINK THEY CONSIDER THEMSELVES POLITICAL

PEOPLE, AND I DON'T THINK THEY CONSIDER THEMSELVES POLITICAL PAY-OFF PEOPLE.

UH, GENTLEMEN, I'M VERY SORRY, BUT WE HAVE REACHED THE END OF OUR QUESTION-AND-ANSWER

SORRY, BUT WE HAVE REACHED THE END OF OUR QUESTION-AND-ANSWER PERIOD.

END OF OUR QUESTION-AND-ANSWER PERIOD. WE JUST HAVE ENOUGH TIME FOR

PERIOD. WE JUST HAVE ENOUGH TIME FOR YOUR CONCLUDING STATEMENTS, IF

WE JUST HAVE ENOUGH TIME FOR YOUR CONCLUDING STATEMENTS, IF YOU PLEASE.

YOUR CONCLUDING STATEMENTS, IF YOU PLEASE. THE PURPOSE OF THESE

YOU PLEASE. THE PURPOSE OF THESE DEBATES...

THE PURPOSE OF THESE DEBATES... AMERICA'S FUTURE IS BRIGHTER

DEBATES... AMERICA'S FUTURE IS BRIGHTER THAN EVER BEFORE.

AMERICA'S FUTURE IS BRIGHTER THAN EVER BEFORE. IN THE LAST TWO YEARS, I HAVE

THAN EVER BEFORE. IN THE LAST TWO YEARS, I HAVE PROVIDED LEADERSHIP NOT ONLY FOR

IN THE LAST TWO YEARS, I HAVE PROVIDED LEADERSHIP NOT ONLY FOR THE UNITED STATES BUT FOR THE

PROVIDED LEADERSHIP NOT ONLY FOR THE UNITED STATES BUT FOR THE FREE WORLD.

THE ECONOMY IS...

[BOTH TALKING AT ONCE]

OUR FOREIGN POLICY...

IF I'M RE-ELECTED THESE

TRENDS WILL CONTINUE...

IF I'M ELECTED, I'M GONNA

REVITALIZE THE COUNTRY.

Announcer: CANDIDATES ARE

FLOWN ON CAPRICORN AIRLINES AND

BY THE UNITED STATES GOVERNMENT.

THE UNITED STATES GOVERNMENT,

DISTRIBUTORS OF FINE WEAPONS FOR

OVER 30 YEARS.

AND NOW ONE OF THE BEST SINGER-SONGWRITERS OF TODAY, JOHN PRINE.

SINGER-SONGWRITERS OF TODAY, JOHN PRINE. [APPLAUSE]

JOHN PRINE. [APPLAUSE] [INTRO TO "HELLO IN THERE"

[APPLAUSE] [INTRO TO "HELLO IN THERE" PLAYS]

♪ WE HAD AN APARTMENT IN THE CITY ♪ ♪ AND ME AND LORETTA LIKED

IN THE CITY ♪ ♪ AND ME AND LORETTA LIKED LIVING THERE ♪

♪ AND ME AND LORETTA LIKED LIVING THERE ♪ ♪ WELL, IT'D BEEN YEARS SINCE

LIVING THERE ♪ ♪ WELL, IT'D BEEN YEARS SINCE THE KIDS HAD GROWN ♪

♪ WELL, IT'D BEEN YEARS SINCE THE KIDS HAD GROWN ♪ ♪ A LIFE OF THEIR OWN

THE KIDS HAD GROWN ♪ ♪ A LIFE OF THEIR OWN AND LEFT US ALONE ♪

♪ A LIFE OF THEIR OWN AND LEFT US ALONE ♪ ♪ JOHN AND LINDA LIVE IN OMAHA ♪

AND LEFT US ALONE ♪ ♪ JOHN AND LINDA LIVE IN OMAHA ♪ ♪ AND JOE IS SOMEWHERE

♪ JOHN AND LINDA LIVE IN OMAHA ♪ ♪ AND JOE IS SOMEWHERE ON THE ROAD ♪

♪ AND JOE IS SOMEWHERE ON THE ROAD ♪ ♪ WE LOST DAVY IN

ON THE ROAD ♪ ♪ WE LOST DAVY IN THE KOREAN WAR ♪

♪ WE LOST DAVY IN THE KOREAN WAR ♪ ♪ AND I STILL DON'T KNOW

THE KOREAN WAR ♪ ♪ AND I STILL DON'T KNOW WHAT FOR ♪

♪ AND I STILL DON'T KNOW WHAT FOR ♪ ♪ IT DON'T MATTER ANYMORE ♪

WHAT FOR ♪ ♪ IT DON'T MATTER ANYMORE ♪ ♪ YOU KNOW THAT OLD TREES JUST

♪ IT DON'T MATTER ANYMORE ♪ ♪ YOU KNOW THAT OLD TREES JUST GROW STRONGER ♪

♪ YOU KNOW THAT OLD TREES JUST GROW STRONGER ♪ ♪ AND OLD RIVERS GROW WILDER

GROW STRONGER ♪ ♪ AND OLD RIVERS GROW WILDER EVERY DAY ♪

♪ AND OLD RIVERS GROW WILDER EVERY DAY ♪ ♪ OLD PEOPLE JUST GROW LONESOME,

EVERY DAY ♪ ♪ OLD PEOPLE JUST GROW LONESOME, WAITING FOR SOMEONE TO SAY,

♪ OLD PEOPLE JUST GROW LONESOME, WAITING FOR SOMEONE TO SAY, "HELLO IN THERE, HELLO" ♪

♪ ME AND LORETTA, WE DON'T TALK MUCH MORE ♪ ♪ SHE SITS AND STARES THROUGH

TALK MUCH MORE ♪ ♪ SHE SITS AND STARES THROUGH THE BACK-DOOR SCREEN ♪

♪ SHE SITS AND STARES THROUGH THE BACK-DOOR SCREEN ♪ ♪ AND ALL THE NEWS

THE BACK-DOOR SCREEN ♪ ♪ AND ALL THE NEWS JUST REPEATS ITSELF ♪

♪ AND ALL THE NEWS JUST REPEATS ITSELF ♪ ♪ LIKE SOME FORGOTTEN DREAM

JUST REPEATS ITSELF ♪ ♪ LIKE SOME FORGOTTEN DREAM THAT WE'VE BOTH SEEN ♪

♪ LIKE SOME FORGOTTEN DREAM THAT WE'VE BOTH SEEN ♪ ♪ SOMEDAY I'LL GO AND CALL UP

THAT WE'VE BOTH SEEN ♪ ♪ SOMEDAY I'LL GO AND CALL UP RUDY ♪

♪ SOMEDAY I'LL GO AND CALL UP RUDY ♪ ♪ WE WORKED TOGETHER AT

RUDY ♪ ♪ WE WORKED TOGETHER AT THE FACTORY ♪

♪ WE WORKED TOGETHER AT THE FACTORY ♪ ♪ BUT WHAT COULD I SAY

THE FACTORY ♪ ♪ BUT WHAT COULD I SAY IF HE ASKS WHAT'S NEW? ♪

♪ BUT WHAT COULD I SAY IF HE ASKS WHAT'S NEW? ♪ ♪ "NOTHING, WHAT'S WITH YOU?

IF HE ASKS WHAT'S NEW? ♪ ♪ "NOTHING, WHAT'S WITH YOU? NOTHING MUCH TO DO" ♪

♪ "NOTHING, WHAT'S WITH YOU? NOTHING MUCH TO DO" ♪ ♪ YOU KNOW THAT OLD TREES JUST

NOTHING MUCH TO DO" ♪ ♪ YOU KNOW THAT OLD TREES JUST GROW STRONGER ♪

♪ YOU KNOW THAT OLD TREES JUST GROW STRONGER ♪ ♪ AND OLD RIVERS GROW WILDER

GROW STRONGER ♪ ♪ AND OLD RIVERS GROW WILDER EVERY DAY ♪

♪ AND OLD RIVERS GROW WILDER EVERY DAY ♪ ♪ OLD PEOPLE JUST GROW LONESOME,

EVERY DAY ♪ ♪ OLD PEOPLE JUST GROW LONESOME, WAITING FOR SOMEONE TO SAY,

♪ OLD PEOPLE JUST GROW LONESOME, WAITING FOR SOMEONE TO SAY, "HELLO IN THERE, HELLO" ♪

WAITING FOR SOMEONE TO SAY, "HELLO IN THERE, HELLO" ♪ ♪ SO IF YOU'RE WALKING DOWN

"HELLO IN THERE, HELLO" ♪ ♪ SO IF YOU'RE WALKING DOWN THE STREET SOMETIME ♪

♪ SO IF YOU'RE WALKING DOWN THE STREET SOMETIME ♪ ♪ AND SPOT SOME HOLLOW

THE STREET SOMETIME ♪ ♪ AND SPOT SOME HOLLOW ANCIENT EYES ♪

♪ AND SPOT SOME HOLLOW ANCIENT EYES ♪ ♪ PLEASE DON'T JUST PASS 'EM BY

ANCIENT EYES ♪ ♪ PLEASE DON'T JUST PASS 'EM BY AND STARE AS IF YOU DIDN'T

♪ PLEASE DON'T JUST PASS 'EM BY AND STARE AS IF YOU DIDN'T CARE ♪

AND STARE AS IF YOU DIDN'T CARE ♪ ♪ SAY, "HELLO IN THERE, HELLO" ♪

CARE ♪ ♪ SAY, "HELLO IN THERE, HELLO" ♪ THANK YOU.

♪ SAY, "HELLO IN THERE, HELLO" ♪ THANK YOU. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

Announcer: AND NOW "WEEKEND UPDATE" WITH CHEVY CHASE. I-I DON'T DO IMPRESSIONS,

UPDATE" WITH CHEVY CHASE. I-I DON'T DO IMPRESSIONS, THOUGH.

I-I DON'T DO IMPRESSIONS, THOUGH. NO. WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO?

THOUGH. NO. WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO? I-I GOT A GO ON IN A SECOND.

NO. WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO? I-I GOT A GO ON IN A SECOND. JIMINY CRICKET?

I-I GOT A GO ON IN A SECOND. JIMINY CRICKET? ALL RIGHT, I'LL DO ONE

JIMINY CRICKET? ALL RIGHT, I'LL DO ONE JIMINY CRICKET FOR YOU.

ALL RIGHT, I'LL DO ONE JIMINY CRICKET FOR YOU. ♪ WHEN YOU WISH... ♪

JIMINY CRICKET FOR YOU. ♪ WHEN YOU WISH... ♪ [LAUGHTER]

♪ WHEN YOU WISH... ♪ [LAUGHTER] [APPLAUSE]

[LAUGHTER] [APPLAUSE] GOOD EVENING.

[APPLAUSE] GOOD EVENING. I'M CHEVY CHASE, AND I DON'T

GOOD EVENING. I'M CHEVY CHASE, AND I DON'T LIKE YOU.

I'M CHEVY CHASE, AND I DON'T LIKE YOU. OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT... SO FAR,

LIKE YOU. OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT... SO FAR, MORE THAN 75 PERSONS ARE

OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT... SO FAR, MORE THAN 75 PERSONS ARE REPORTED DEAD AFTER HAVING

MORE THAN 75 PERSONS ARE REPORTED DEAD AFTER HAVING RECEIVED THEIR SWINE-FLU

REPORTED DEAD AFTER HAVING RECEIVED THEIR SWINE-FLU "VINACCINATIONINS."

RECEIVED THEIR SWINE-FLU "VINACCINATIONINS." H.E.W. CONTINUES TO STATE THAT

"VINACCINATIONINS." H.E.W. CONTINUES TO STATE THAT THE DEATHS ARE PURELY

H.E.W. CONTINUES TO STATE THAT THE DEATHS ARE PURELY COINCIDENTAL AND UNRELATED.

THE DEATHS ARE PURELY COINCIDENTAL AND UNRELATED. IN NEBRASKA THIS MORNING, A 707

COINCIDENTAL AND UNRELATED. IN NEBRASKA THIS MORNING, A 707 JET CRASHED IN A WHEAT FIELD.

IN NEBRASKA THIS MORNING, A 707 JET CRASHED IN A WHEAT FIELD. 123 PERSONS ARE DEAD.

JET CRASHED IN A WHEAT FIELD. 123 PERSONS ARE DEAD. THE F.A.A. HAS RELEASED A

123 PERSONS ARE DEAD. THE F.A.A. HAS RELEASED A STATEMENT SAYING THAT THE DEATHS

THE F.A.A. HAS RELEASED A STATEMENT SAYING THAT THE DEATHS ARE PURELY COINCIDENTAL AND

STATEMENT SAYING THAT THE DEATHS ARE PURELY COINCIDENTAL AND UNRELATED.

ARE PURELY COINCIDENTAL AND UNRELATED. AND THIS JUST IN... SCIENTIST

UNRELATED. AND THIS JUST IN... SCIENTIST THINK THEY MAY HAVE AN ANSWER IN

AND THIS JUST IN... SCIENTIST THINK THEY MAY HAVE AN ANSWER IN THE MYSTERIOUS SWINE-FLU DEATHS.

THINK THEY MAY HAVE AN ANSWER IN THE MYSTERIOUS SWINE-FLU DEATHS. IT SEEMS THAT, INEXPLICABLY,

THE MYSTERIOUS SWINE-FLU DEATHS. IT SEEMS THAT, INEXPLICABLY, THROUGH SOME SORT OF

IT SEEMS THAT, INEXPLICABLY, THROUGH SOME SORT OF BUREAUCRATIC MIX-UP, SOME OF THE

THROUGH SOME SORT OF BUREAUCRATIC MIX-UP, SOME OF THE CLINICS IN QUESTION DID NOT

BUREAUCRATIC MIX-UP, SOME OF THE CLINICS IN QUESTION DID NOT RECEIVE THE SWINE-FLU VACCINE,

CLINICS IN QUESTION DID NOT RECEIVE THE SWINE-FLU VACCINE, AND INSTEAD HAVE BEEN

RECEIVE THE SWINE-FLU VACCINE, AND INSTEAD HAVE BEEN INOCULATING PEOPLE WITH

AND INSTEAD HAVE BEEN INOCULATING PEOPLE WITH BON VIVANT VICHYSSOISE.

INOCULATING PEOPLE WITH BON VIVANT VICHYSSOISE. [LAUGHTER]

BON VIVANT VICHYSSOISE. [LAUGHTER] IN A RELATED NOTE, THE

[LAUGHTER] IN A RELATED NOTE, THE UNITED STATES HEALTH SERVICE

IN A RELATED NOTE, THE UNITED STATES HEALTH SERVICE HAVE RECEIVED AN INTERESTING

UNITED STATES HEALTH SERVICE HAVE RECEIVED AN INTERESTING REQUEST FROM THE SPANISH

HAVE RECEIVED AN INTERESTING REQUEST FROM THE SPANISH GOVERNMENT.

REQUEST FROM THE SPANISH GOVERNMENT. SPAIN WOULD LIKE 20 cc OF

GOVERNMENT. SPAIN WOULD LIKE 20 cc OF SWINE-FLU VACCINE TO INOCULATE

SPAIN WOULD LIKE 20 cc OF SWINE-FLU VACCINE TO INOCULATE GENERALISSIMO FRANCISCO FRANCO,

SWINE-FLU VACCINE TO INOCULATE GENERALISSIMO FRANCISCO FRANCO, WHO, DOCTORS SAY, IS QUITE

GENERALISSIMO FRANCISCO FRANCO, WHO, DOCTORS SAY, IS QUITE SUSCEPTIBLE TO THE DISEASE IN

WHO, DOCTORS SAY, IS QUITE SUSCEPTIBLE TO THE DISEASE IN HIS PRESENT STATE.

SUSCEPTIBLE TO THE DISEASE IN HIS PRESENT STATE. TWO RUSSIAN COSMONAUTS,

HIS PRESENT STATE. TWO RUSSIAN COSMONAUTS, VYACHESLAV DUDOV AND

TWO RUSSIAN COSMONAUTS, VYACHESLAV DUDOV AND VALERI GREJLAVAPLA, BLASTED

VYACHESLAV DUDOV AND VALERI GREJLAVAPLA, BLASTED INTO SPACE ON THURSDAY.

VALERI GREJLAVAPLA, BLASTED INTO SPACE ON THURSDAY. JOINED AT THE WRISTS, THEY ARE

INTO SPACE ON THURSDAY. JOINED AT THE WRISTS, THEY ARE THE FIRST SIAMESE TWINS IN OUTER

JOINED AT THE WRISTS, THEY ARE THE FIRST SIAMESE TWINS IN OUTER SPACE.

THE FIRST SIAMESE TWINS IN OUTER SPACE. THE TWINS WILL SEPARATE INSTEAD

SPACE. THE TWINS WILL SEPARATE INSTEAD OF RENDEZVOUS.

THE TWINS WILL SEPARATE INSTEAD OF RENDEZVOUS. PRESIDENT FORD HAS BEEN

OF RENDEZVOUS. PRESIDENT FORD HAS BEEN CRITICIZING JIMMY CARTER FOR

PRESIDENT FORD HAS BEEN CRITICIZING JIMMY CARTER FOR APPEARING IN PLAYBOY MAGAZINE IN

CRITICIZING JIMMY CARTER FOR APPEARING IN PLAYBOY MAGAZINE IN AN INTERVIEW, SO IT WAS

APPEARING IN PLAYBOY MAGAZINE IN AN INTERVIEW, SO IT WAS SURPRISING WHEN AN INTERVIEW

AN INTERVIEW, SO IT WAS SURPRISING WHEN AN INTERVIEW WITH FORD APPEARED IN THIS

SURPRISING WHEN AN INTERVIEW WITH FORD APPEARED IN THIS MONTH'S ISSUE OF HUSTLER.

WITH FORD APPEARED IN THIS MONTH'S ISSUE OF HUSTLER. FORD SAID HE THOUGHT THE

MONTH'S ISSUE OF HUSTLER. FORD SAID HE THOUGHT THE MAGAZINE WAS FOR AGGRESSIVE

FORD SAID HE THOUGHT THE MAGAZINE WAS FOR AGGRESSIVE ATHLETES.

MAGAZINE WAS FOR AGGRESSIVE ATHLETES. FORMER SECRETARY OF AGRICULTURE

ATHLETES. FORMER SECRETARY OF AGRICULTURE EARL BUTZ, WHO RESIGNED HIS POST

FORMER SECRETARY OF AGRICULTURE EARL BUTZ, WHO RESIGNED HIS POST LAST WEEK BECAUSE OF OFFENSIVE

EARL BUTZ, WHO RESIGNED HIS POST LAST WEEK BECAUSE OF OFFENSIVE RACIAL SLURS, IS REPORTED TO

LAST WEEK BECAUSE OF OFFENSIVE RACIAL SLURS, IS REPORTED TO HAVE SICKLE-CELL ANEMIA.

RACIAL SLURS, IS REPORTED TO HAVE SICKLE-CELL ANEMIA. [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

HAVE SICKLE-CELL ANEMIA. [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE] BUTZ'S PHYSICIANS EXPLAIN THAT

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE] BUTZ'S PHYSICIANS EXPLAIN THAT THEIR PATIENT PROBABLY GOT THE

BUTZ'S PHYSICIANS EXPLAIN THAT THEIR PATIENT PROBABLY GOT THE DISEASE, USUALLY CONFINED TO

THEIR PATIENT PROBABLY GOT THE DISEASE, USUALLY CONFINED TO BLACK PEOPLE, FOR ONE OF THREE

DISEASE, USUALLY CONFINED TO BLACK PEOPLE, FOR ONE OF THREE REASONS... BAD SEX, TIGHT SHOES,

BLACK PEOPLE, FOR ONE OF THREE REASONS... BAD SEX, TIGHT SHOES, OR A CHILLY BATHROOM.

REASONS... BAD SEX, TIGHT SHOES, OR A CHILLY BATHROOM. [LAUGHTER]

OR A CHILLY BATHROOM. [LAUGHTER] STILL TO COME, NOBEL PRIZE

[LAUGHTER] STILL TO COME, NOBEL PRIZE WINNER CARLTON GADJUVEK,

STILL TO COME, NOBEL PRIZE WINNER CARLTON GADJUVEK, INVENTOR OF THE GRILLED-CHEESE

WINNER CARLTON GADJUVEK, INVENTOR OF THE GRILLED-CHEESE SANDWICH, AFTER THIS MESSAGE.

INVENTOR OF THE GRILLED-CHEESE SANDWICH, AFTER THIS MESSAGE. [APPLAUSE]

Announcer: IN THE DAWN OF CIVILIZATION, LONG BEFORE THE BRONZE AGE, MAN FIRST BEGAN HIS

CIVILIZATION, LONG BEFORE THE BRONZE AGE, MAN FIRST BEGAN HIS SEARCH FOR THE CLOSE SHAVE.

BRONZE AGE, MAN FIRST BEGAN HIS SEARCH FOR THE CLOSE SHAVE. [BOING!]

SEARCH FOR THE CLOSE SHAVE. [BOING!] SINCE THEN, MAN HAS BEEN

[BOING!] SINCE THEN, MAN HAS BEEN ARDENTLY STRIVING TO DESIGN THE

SINCE THEN, MAN HAS BEEN ARDENTLY STRIVING TO DESIGN THE PERFECT SHAVING INSTRUMENT, FROM

ARDENTLY STRIVING TO DESIGN THE PERFECT SHAVING INSTRUMENT, FROM THE STRAIGHT RAZOR TO THE SAFETY

PERFECT SHAVING INSTRUMENT, FROM THE STRAIGHT RAZOR TO THE SAFETY RAZOR TO THE INJECTOR SYSTEM

THE STRAIGHT RAZOR TO THE SAFETY RAZOR TO THE INJECTOR SYSTEM AND, FINALLY, THE HIGHLY

RAZOR TO THE INJECTOR SYSTEM AND, FINALLY, THE HIGHLY ACCLAIMED TWIN-BLADE CARTRIDGE.

AND, FINALLY, THE HIGHLY ACCLAIMED TWIN-BLADE CARTRIDGE. ALMOST PERFECT, YET NOT QUITE

ACCLAIMED TWIN-BLADE CARTRIDGE. ALMOST PERFECT, YET NOT QUITE THE SUPERLATIVE GROOM.

ALMOST PERFECT, YET NOT QUITE THE SUPERLATIVE GROOM. INTRODUCING THE TRIPLE-TRAC.

THE SUPERLATIVE GROOM. INTRODUCING THE TRIPLE-TRAC. NOT JUST TWO BLADES IN ONE

INTRODUCING THE TRIPLE-TRAC. NOT JUST TWO BLADES IN ONE SYSTEM, BUT THREE STAINLESS

NOT JUST TWO BLADES IN ONE SYSTEM, BUT THREE STAINLESS PLATINUM TEFLEX-COATED BLADES

SYSTEM, BUT THREE STAINLESS PLATINUM TEFLEX-COATED BLADES MELDED TOGETHER TO FORM ONE

PLATINUM TEFLEX-COATED BLADES MELDED TOGETHER TO FORM ONE INCREDIBLE SHAVING CARTRIDGE.

MELDED TOGETHER TO FORM ONE INCREDIBLE SHAVING CARTRIDGE. EASILY FIT IT INTO YOUR OLD

INCREDIBLE SHAVING CARTRIDGE. EASILY FIT IT INTO YOUR OLD TWIN-BLADE HOLDER.

EASILY FIT IT INTO YOUR OLD TWIN-BLADE HOLDER. TRIPLE-TRAC'S TRIPLE-THREAT

TWIN-BLADE HOLDER. TRIPLE-TRAC'S TRIPLE-THREAT CARTRIDGE, WITH MORE CLOSE

TRIPLE-TRAC'S TRIPLE-THREAT CARTRIDGE, WITH MORE CLOSE SHAVES THAN EVER BEFORE.

CARTRIDGE, WITH MORE CLOSE SHAVES THAN EVER BEFORE. HERE'S HOW IT WORKS.

SHAVES THAN EVER BEFORE. HERE'S HOW IT WORKS. THE FIRST BLADE GRABS AT THE

HERE'S HOW IT WORKS. THE FIRST BLADE GRABS AT THE WHISKER, TUGGING IT AWAY FROM

THE FIRST BLADE GRABS AT THE WHISKER, TUGGING IT AWAY FROM YOUR FACE TO PROTECT IT FROM THE

WHISKER, TUGGING IT AWAY FROM YOUR FACE TO PROTECT IT FROM THE SECOND BLADE.

YOUR FACE TO PROTECT IT FROM THE SECOND BLADE. BLADE NUMBER TWO CATCHES AND

SECOND BLADE. BLADE NUMBER TWO CATCHES AND DIGS INTO THE STUBBLE BEFORE IT

BLADE NUMBER TWO CATCHES AND DIGS INTO THE STUBBLE BEFORE IT HAS THE CHANCE TO SNAP BACK AND

DIGS INTO THE STUBBLE BEFORE IT HAS THE CHANCE TO SNAP BACK AND INJURE YOU, PULLING IT FARTHER

HAS THE CHANCE TO SNAP BACK AND INJURE YOU, PULLING IT FARTHER OUT SO THAT IT IS NOW READY FOR

INJURE YOU, PULLING IT FARTHER OUT SO THAT IT IS NOW READY FOR SHEARING.

OUT SO THAT IT IS NOW READY FOR SHEARING. TRIPLE-TRAC'S THIRD BLADE, A

SHEARING. TRIPLE-TRAC'S THIRD BLADE, A FINELY HONED BONDED-PLATINUM

TRIPLE-TRAC'S THIRD BLADE, A FINELY HONED BONDED-PLATINUM INSTRUMENT, CUTS CLEANLY THROUGH

FINELY HONED BONDED-PLATINUM INSTRUMENT, CUTS CLEANLY THROUGH THE WHISKER AT ITS BASE, LEAVING

INSTRUMENT, CUTS CLEANLY THROUGH THE WHISKER AT ITS BASE, LEAVING YOUR FACE AS SMOOTH AS A

THE WHISKER AT ITS BASE, LEAVING YOUR FACE AS SMOOTH AS A BILLIARD BALL.

YOUR FACE AS SMOOTH AS A BILLIARD BALL. THE TRIPLE-TRAC.

BILLIARD BALL. THE TRIPLE-TRAC. BECAUSE YOU'LL BELIEVE ANYTHING.

THE TRIPLE-TRAC. BECAUSE YOU'LL BELIEVE ANYTHING. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

IN A NEW STUDY ON FEMALE SEXUALITY CALLED THE HITE REPORT, AUTHOR SHERE HITE HAS

SEXUALITY CALLED THE HITE REPORT, AUTHOR SHERE HITE HAS HAD WOMEN DESCRIBE IN GREAT

REPORT, AUTHOR SHERE HITE HAS HAD WOMEN DESCRIBE IN GREAT DETAIL WHAT THEY HAVE

HAD WOMEN DESCRIBE IN GREAT DETAIL WHAT THEY HAVE EXPERIENCED DURING SEX.

DETAIL WHAT THEY HAVE EXPERIENCED DURING SEX. IT IS REPORTED A MOST ACCURATE

EXPERIENCED DURING SEX. IT IS REPORTED A MOST ACCURATE ACCOUNT ON WOMEN'S SEXUAL

IT IS REPORTED A MOST ACCURATE ACCOUNT ON WOMEN'S SEXUAL BEHAVIOR, AS REFLECTED IN THE

ACCOUNT ON WOMEN'S SEXUAL BEHAVIOR, AS REFLECTED IN THE REVIEWS OF WOMEN'S CRITICS.

BEHAVIOR, AS REFLECTED IN THE REVIEWS OF WOMEN'S CRITICS. 10% FOUND IT STIMULATING, 22%

REVIEWS OF WOMEN'S CRITICS. 10% FOUND IT STIMULATING, 22% WERE BORED BY IT, 68% FAKED

10% FOUND IT STIMULATING, 22% WERE BORED BY IT, 68% FAKED HAVING READ THE BOOK IN THE

WERE BORED BY IT, 68% FAKED HAVING READ THE BOOK IN THE FIRST PLACE.

HAVING READ THE BOOK IN THE FIRST PLACE. [LAUGHTER]

FIRST PLACE. [LAUGHTER] WELL [CHUCKLES] SHINE ON,

[LAUGHTER] WELL [CHUCKLES] SHINE ON, HARVEST MOON.

WELL [CHUCKLES] SHINE ON, HARVEST MOON. THIS YEAR, IT HAS BEEN AN

HARVEST MOON. THIS YEAR, IT HAS BEEN AN EXCELLENT YEAR FOR FARMERS, AS

THIS YEAR, IT HAS BEEN AN EXCELLENT YEAR FOR FARMERS, AS INDICATED BY THIS PHOTO OF THE

EXCELLENT YEAR FOR FARMERS, AS INDICATED BY THIS PHOTO OF THE GIANT SHREDDED-WHEAT CROP

INDICATED BY THIS PHOTO OF THE GIANT SHREDDED-WHEAT CROP OF FRANK BUHL IN GREAT RUBY,

GIANT SHREDDED-WHEAT CROP OF FRANK BUHL IN GREAT RUBY, WYOMING.

OF FRANK BUHL IN GREAT RUBY, WYOMING. [LAUGHTER]

WYOMING. [LAUGHTER] CARLO GAMBINO, THE MAFIA

[LAUGHTER] CARLO GAMBINO, THE MAFIA CHIEFTAIN AFTER WHOM SOME

CARLO GAMBINO, THE MAFIA CHIEFTAIN AFTER WHOM SOME BELIEVE "THE GODFATHER" WAS

CHIEFTAIN AFTER WHOM SOME BELIEVE "THE GODFATHER" WAS MODELED, DIED YESTERDAY OF A

BELIEVE "THE GODFATHER" WAS MODELED, DIED YESTERDAY OF A HEART ATTACK.

MODELED, DIED YESTERDAY OF A HEART ATTACK. LAW-ENFORCEMENT AUTHORITIES

HEART ATTACK. LAW-ENFORCEMENT AUTHORITIES PREDICT THAT THE HEIR TO HIS

LAW-ENFORCEMENT AUTHORITIES PREDICT THAT THE HEIR TO HIS INTERNATIONAL MOB EMPIRE IS THE

PREDICT THAT THE HEIR TO HIS INTERNATIONAL MOB EMPIRE IS THE REPUTED BONANNO FAMILY HEAD

INTERNATIONAL MOB EMPIRE IS THE REPUTED BONANNO FAMILY HEAD CARMINE GALANTE.

REPUTED BONANNO FAMILY HEAD CARMINE GALANTE. HENRY KISSINGER MET WITH GALANTE

CARMINE GALANTE. HENRY KISSINGER MET WITH GALANTE TODAY AND ANNOUNCED THAT THEY

HENRY KISSINGER MET WITH GALANTE TODAY AND ANNOUNCED THAT THEY AGREED TO ESTABLISH FORMAL

TODAY AND ANNOUNCED THAT THEY AGREED TO ESTABLISH FORMAL DIPLOMATIC RELATIONS.

AGREED TO ESTABLISH FORMAL DIPLOMATIC RELATIONS. IN A SHOW OF GOODWILL, THE MAFIA

DIPLOMATIC RELATIONS. IN A SHOW OF GOODWILL, THE MAFIA WILL RECEIVE 15 F-14s, 500

IN A SHOW OF GOODWILL, THE MAFIA WILL RECEIVE 15 F-14s, 500 HEAT-SEEKING MISSILES, AND

WILL RECEIVE 15 F-14s, 500 HEAT-SEEKING MISSILES, AND 30,000 SATURDAY NIGHT SPECIALS

HEAT-SEEKING MISSILES, AND 30,000 SATURDAY NIGHT SPECIALS IN EXCHANGE FOR JIMMY HOFFA.

30,000 SATURDAY NIGHT SPECIALS IN EXCHANGE FOR JIMMY HOFFA. [CHUCKLES]

IN EXCHANGE FOR JIMMY HOFFA. [CHUCKLES] [LAUGHTER]

[CHUCKLES] [LAUGHTER] [APPLAUSE]

[LAUGHTER] [APPLAUSE] IN ISRAEL TODAY, JOSHUA FIT THE

[APPLAUSE] IN ISRAEL TODAY, JOSHUA FIT THE BATTLE OF JERICHO...

IN ISRAEL TODAY, JOSHUA FIT THE BATTLE OF JERICHO... JERICHO...

BATTLE OF JERICHO... JERICHO... JERICHO.

JERICHO... JERICHO. JOSHUA FIT THE BATTLE OF

JERICHO. JOSHUA FIT THE BATTLE OF JERICHO, AND THE WALLS COME

JOSHUA FIT THE BATTLE OF JERICHO, AND THE WALLS COME TUMBLING DOWN.

JERICHO, AND THE WALLS COME TUMBLING DOWN. MORE ON THAT LATER.

TUMBLING DOWN. MORE ON THAT LATER. PRETTY ACTRESS LESLIE CARON, WHO

MORE ON THAT LATER. PRETTY ACTRESS LESLIE CARON, WHO CREATED A SENSATION WHEN SHE

PRETTY ACTRESS LESLIE CARON, WHO CREATED A SENSATION WHEN SHE BROKE INTO FILMS IN HOLLYWOOD,

CREATED A SENSATION WHEN SHE BROKE INTO FILMS IN HOLLYWOOD, HAD NOTHING REALLY VERY

BROKE INTO FILMS IN HOLLYWOOD, HAD NOTHING REALLY VERY INTERESTING HAPPEN TO HER THIS

HAD NOTHING REALLY VERY INTERESTING HAPPEN TO HER THIS WEEK.

INTERESTING HAPPEN TO HER THIS WEEK. [LAUGHTER]

WEEK. [LAUGHTER] WELL, LAST NIGHT SAW THE FIRST

[LAUGHTER] WELL, LAST NIGHT SAW THE FIRST VICE-PRESIDENTIAL DEBATE IN

WELL, LAST NIGHT SAW THE FIRST VICE-PRESIDENTIAL DEBATE IN HISTORY.

VICE-PRESIDENTIAL DEBATE IN HISTORY. SENATORS MONDALE AND DOLE DREW

HISTORY. SENATORS MONDALE AND DOLE DREW HIGHER TV RATINGS THAN FORD AND

SENATORS MONDALE AND DOLE DREW HIGHER TV RATINGS THAN FORD AND CARTER AND HAVE BEEN OFFERED A

HIGHER TV RATINGS THAN FORD AND CARTER AND HAVE BEEN OFFERED A JOB REPLACING DAWN ON THE

CARTER AND HAVE BEEN OFFERED A JOB REPLACING DAWN ON THE "TONY ORLANDO SHOW."

JOB REPLACING DAWN ON THE "TONY ORLANDO SHOW." [LAUGHTER]

"TONY ORLANDO SHOW." [LAUGHTER] TESTS OF THE HAIR SAMPLES OF

[LAUGHTER] TESTS OF THE HAIR SAMPLES OF EGYPTIAN MUMMIES HAVE ENABLED A

TESTS OF THE HAIR SAMPLES OF EGYPTIAN MUMMIES HAVE ENABLED A TEAM OF AMERICAN SCIENTISTS TO

EGYPTIAN MUMMIES HAVE ENABLED A TEAM OF AMERICAN SCIENTISTS TO POSITIVELY IDENTIFY THE MUMMY OF

TEAM OF AMERICAN SCIENTISTS TO POSITIVELY IDENTIFY THE MUMMY OF KING TUT'S GRANDMOTHER, WHO

POSITIVELY IDENTIFY THE MUMMY OF KING TUT'S GRANDMOTHER, WHO LIVED MORE THAN 3,300 YEARS AGO.

KING TUT'S GRANDMOTHER, WHO LIVED MORE THAN 3,300 YEARS AGO. AND TO THE SURPRISE OF EVERYONE,

LIVED MORE THAN 3,300 YEARS AGO. AND TO THE SURPRISE OF EVERYONE, THEY DISCOVERED THAT TUT'S

AND TO THE SURPRISE OF EVERYONE, THEY DISCOVERED THAT TUT'S GRANDMOTHER WAS ACTUALLY JEWISH,

THEY DISCOVERED THAT TUT'S GRANDMOTHER WAS ACTUALLY JEWISH, AS HER HAIR WAS IN A NET, THE

GRANDMOTHER WAS ACTUALLY JEWISH, AS HER HAIR WAS IN A NET, THE MUMMY CASE WAS FORMICA, AND SHE

AS HER HAIR WAS IN A NET, THE MUMMY CASE WAS FORMICA, AND SHE WAS BURIED ALONG WITH A BOWL OF

MUMMY CASE WAS FORMICA, AND SHE WAS BURIED ALONG WITH A BOWL OF FRESH FRUIT.

WAS BURIED ALONG WITH A BOWL OF FRESH FRUIT. [LAUGHTER]

FRESH FRUIT. [LAUGHTER] OUR FINAL STORY TONIGHT IS, OF

[LAUGHTER] OUR FINAL STORY TONIGHT IS, OF COURSE, THE 1976 WORLD SERIES.

OUR FINAL STORY TONIGHT IS, OF COURSE, THE 1976 WORLD SERIES. GOOD NIGHT AND HAVE A PLEASANT

COURSE, THE 1976 WORLD SERIES. GOOD NIGHT AND HAVE A PLEASANT TOMORROW.

GOOD NIGHT AND HAVE A PLEASANT TOMORROW. [APPLAUSE]

MMM! HONEY! THESE CUPCAKES ARE DELICIOUS.

HONEY! THESE CUPCAKES ARE DELICIOUS. OH, YES, THEY ARE, DEAR,

THESE CUPCAKES ARE DELICIOUS. OH, YES, THEY ARE, DEAR, AND, YOU KNOW, THEY DON'T CAUSE

OH, YES, THEY ARE, DEAR, AND, YOU KNOW, THEY DON'T CAUSE CANCER.

AND, YOU KNOW, THEY DON'T CAUSE CANCER. WHAT?

CANCER. WHAT? I SAID THEY DON'T CAUSE

WHAT? I SAID THEY DON'T CAUSE CANCER BECAUSE THESE ARE

I SAID THEY DON'T CAUSE CANCER BECAUSE THESE ARE GREEN CROSS CUPCAKES.

CANCER BECAUSE THESE ARE GREEN CROSS CUPCAKES. YOU SEE, THE FOLKS DOWN AT

GREEN CROSS CUPCAKES. YOU SEE, THE FOLKS DOWN AT GAMMA RAY LABORATORIES FED THESE

YOU SEE, THE FOLKS DOWN AT GAMMA RAY LABORATORIES FED THESE CUPCAKES TO RATS FOR FIVE YEARS.

GAMMA RAY LABORATORIES FED THESE CUPCAKES TO RATS FOR FIVE YEARS. AND HERE ARE THE RESULTS...

CUPCAKES TO RATS FOR FIVE YEARS. AND HERE ARE THE RESULTS... DOZENS OF CANCER-FREE RATS.

AND HERE ARE THE RESULTS... DOZENS OF CANCER-FREE RATS. YES, ALL OF THEM LIVED, EXCEPT

YES, ALL OF THEM LIVED, EXCEPT ONE WHO GOT HIS LITTLE HEAD

ONE WHO GOT HIS LITTLE HEAD CAUGHT BETWEEN THE BARS.

CAUGHT BETWEEN THE BARS. YOU MEAN, ALL OF THEM ATE

YOU MEAN, ALL OF THEM ATE ONLY CUPCAKES?

ONLY CUPCAKES? YES, THAT AND A LITTLE BIT OF

YES, THAT AND A LITTLE BIT OF THE WOOD CHIPS FOUND IN THEIR

THE WOOD CHIPS FOUND IN THEIR CAGES, BUT WHY TAKE MY WORD FOR

CAGES, BUT WHY TAKE MY WORD FOR IT?

IT? SEE FOR YOURSELF. [RATS SQUEAKING]

SEE FOR YOURSELF. [RATS SQUEAKING] [ALARM BUZZING]

MMM. NO CANCER, HUH? I GUESS I'LL TRY ANOTHER

NO CANCER, HUH? I GUESS I'LL TRY ANOTHER DELICIOUS GREEN CROSS CUPCAKE.

I GUESS I'LL TRY ANOTHER DELICIOUS GREEN CROSS CUPCAKE. IN FACT, I'LL HAVE AS MANY AS I

DELICIOUS GREEN CROSS CUPCAKE. IN FACT, I'LL HAVE AS MANY AS I LIKE.

IN FACT, I'LL HAVE AS MANY AS I LIKE. WHY NOT TAKE A TIP...

LIKE. WHY NOT TAKE A TIP... FROM THESE JUMBO RATS AND TREAT

WHY NOT TAKE A TIP... FROM THESE JUMBO RATS AND TREAT YOUR FAMILY TO THE SAFE CUPCAKE?

FROM THESE JUMBO RATS AND TREAT YOUR FAMILY TO THE SAFE CUPCAKE? HI.

YOUR FAMILY TO THE SAFE CUPCAKE? HI. I'M A SCIENTIST.

HI. I'M A SCIENTIST. UNDER THE "TRUTH IN ADVERTISING"

I'M A SCIENTIST. UNDER THE "TRUTH IN ADVERTISING" LAW, I'M OBLIGED TO POINT OUT

UNDER THE "TRUTH IN ADVERTISING" LAW, I'M OBLIGED TO POINT OUT THAT THERE'S NO EVIDENCE LINKING

LAW, I'M OBLIGED TO POINT OUT THAT THERE'S NO EVIDENCE LINKING CUPCAKES AND CANCER...

THAT THERE'S NO EVIDENCE LINKING CUPCAKES AND CANCER... NONE WHATSOEVER, NOT EVEN

CUPCAKES AND CANCER... NONE WHATSOEVER, NOT EVEN REMOTELY.

NONE WHATSOEVER, NOT EVEN REMOTELY. BUT FIVE YEARS FROM NOW,

REMOTELY. BUT FIVE YEARS FROM NOW, WHO KNOWS?

BUT FIVE YEARS FROM NOW, WHO KNOWS? BYE.

WHO KNOWS? BYE. HEADLINES ARE SO FRIGHTENING,

BYE. HEADLINES ARE SO FRIGHTENING, I CAN'T EVEN READ THE DAMN PAPER

HEADLINES ARE SO FRIGHTENING, I CAN'T EVEN READ THE DAMN PAPER ANYMORE.

I CAN'T EVEN READ THE DAMN PAPER ANYMORE. ALL I KNOW IS I HAVE TO TAKE

ANYMORE. ALL I KNOW IS I HAVE TO TAKE CARE OF MY FAMILY AND DO WHAT'S

ALL I KNOW IS I HAVE TO TAKE CARE OF MY FAMILY AND DO WHAT'S BEST FOR THEM, SO I SAY, "WHY

CARE OF MY FAMILY AND DO WHAT'S BEST FOR THEM, SO I SAY, "WHY TAKE CHANCES WHEN IT COMES TO

BEST FOR THEM, SO I SAY, "WHY TAKE CHANCES WHEN IT COMES TO CUPCAKES?"

TAKE CHANCES WHEN IT COMES TO CUPCAKES?" FEED 'EM GREEN CROSS CUPCAKES,

CUPCAKES?" FEED 'EM GREEN CROSS CUPCAKES, THE SAFE CUPCAKES.

FEED 'EM GREEN CROSS CUPCAKES, THE SAFE CUPCAKES. CANCER-FREENESS NEVER TASTED SO

THE SAFE CUPCAKES. CANCER-FREENESS NEVER TASTED SO GOOD.

CANCER-FREENESS NEVER TASTED SO GOOD. Announcer: DOGS LOVE 'EM,

GOOD. Announcer: DOGS LOVE 'EM, TOO!

Announcer: DOGS LOVE 'EM, TOO! WOOF! WOOF!

TOO! WOOF! WOOF! [APPLAUSE]

A BOUNTEOUS REPAST, ELIZABETH. I SHALL CLEAR NOW.

THE WHEAT HAS BEEN CUT AND SHUCKED. THRESHING HAS STARTED.

SHUCKED. THRESHING HAS STARTED. IT IS THE LORD'S WAY.

THRESHING HAS STARTED. IT IS THE LORD'S WAY. YESTERDAY, WE PLANTED.

IT IS THE LORD'S WAY. YESTERDAY, WE PLANTED. TODAY, WE REAP THAT WHICH WAS

YESTERDAY, WE PLANTED. TODAY, WE REAP THAT WHICH WAS PLANTED.

TODAY, WE REAP THAT WHICH WAS PLANTED. TO EVERYTHING THERE IS A SEASON.

PLANTED. TO EVERYTHING THERE IS A SEASON. TURN, TURN, TURN.

TO EVERYTHING THERE IS A SEASON. TURN, TURN, TURN. AND A TIME FOR EVERY PURPOSE

TURN, TURN, TURN. AND A TIME FOR EVERY PURPOSE UNDER HEAVEN.

AND A TIME FOR EVERY PURPOSE UNDER HEAVEN. A TIME TO BE BORN, A TIME TO

UNDER HEAVEN. A TIME TO BE BORN, A TIME TO DIE.

A TIME TO BE BORN, A TIME TO DIE. A TIME TO PLANT, A TIME TO

DIE. A TIME TO PLANT, A TIME TO REAP.

A TIME TO PLANT, A TIME TO REAP. A TIME TO KILL, A TIME TO

REAP. A TIME TO KILL, A TIME TO HEAL.

A TIME TO KILL, A TIME TO HEAL. A TIME TO LAUGH, A TIME TO

HEAL. A TIME TO LAUGH, A TIME TO WEEP.

A TIME TO LAUGH, A TIME TO WEEP. TO EVERYTHING...

WEEP. TO EVERYTHING... TURN, TURN, TURN.

TO EVERYTHING... TURN, TURN, TURN. THERE IS A SEASON.

TURN, TURN, TURN. THERE IS A SEASON. TURN, TURN, TURN.

THERE IS A SEASON. TURN, TURN, TURN. YOU KNOW, A BANK HAS BEEN

TURN, TURN, TURN. YOU KNOW, A BANK HAS BEEN HELDETH UP.

YOU KNOW, A BANK HAS BEEN HELDETH UP. WHERE AT?

HELDETH UP. WHERE AT? LANCASTER, ABOUT 30 MILES

WHERE AT? LANCASTER, ABOUT 30 MILES EAST OF HERE.

LANCASTER, ABOUT 30 MILES EAST OF HERE. WE ARE NEEDED.

EAST OF HERE. WE ARE NEEDED. LET US ROLL.

GENTLE PEOPLE LINKING THE WAY WE WERE WITH THE WAY WE USED TO BE.

WE WERE WITH THE WAY WE USED TO BE. TEMPERANCE, BUT WITH A PURPOSE.

BE. TEMPERANCE, BUT WITH A PURPOSE. THEY'RE YOUNG.

TEMPERANCE, BUT WITH A PURPOSE. THEY'RE YOUNG. THEY'RE COPS.

THEY'RE YOUNG. THEY'RE COPS. THEY'RE PENNSYLVANIA DUTCH.

CHEVY CHASE STARS AS

ELEAZER CLINTON, JANE CURTIN AS

ELIZABETH YODERS, AND

JOHN BELUSHI AS CHURN.

A TEAM OF ACTIVE...

MORALISTS...

IN...

SEARCH OF...

HARMONY.

THEY'RE A.M.I.S.H. [CRICKETS CHIRPING] MMM.

[CRICKETS CHIRPING] MMM. TASTY BERRIES.

MMM. TASTY BERRIES. I PICKED THEM ALONG THE WAY.

TASTY BERRIES. I PICKED THEM ALONG THE WAY. BRING US SOME MORE OF THAT

I PICKED THEM ALONG THE WAY. BRING US SOME MORE OF THAT FINE CORN BREAD, ELIZABETH.

BRING US SOME MORE OF THAT FINE CORN BREAD, ELIZABETH. YES, ELEAZER.

FINE CORN BREAD, ELIZABETH. YES, ELEAZER. SHE'S A GOOD WOMAN.

YES, ELEAZER. SHE'S A GOOD WOMAN. SHE'S 14.

SHE'S A GOOD WOMAN. SHE'S 14. I WONDER WHY SHE NEVER MARRIED.

[HORNS HONKING]

YES, MAY I HELP YOU? YES, WE READ THERE HAD BEEN SOME TROUBLE.

YES, WE READ THERE HAD BEEN SOME TROUBLE. WE WERE CONCERNED.

SOME TROUBLE. WE WERE CONCERNED. SO WE HAVE JOURNEYED HERE TO

WE WERE CONCERNED. SO WE HAVE JOURNEYED HERE TO OFFER OUR HELP.

SO WE HAVE JOURNEYED HERE TO OFFER OUR HELP. WE ARE THE A.M.I.S.H.

OFFER OUR HELP. WE ARE THE A.M.I.S.H. THE LORD GUIDETH US TO YOUR

WE ARE THE A.M.I.S.H. THE LORD GUIDETH US TO YOUR WINDOW.

THE LORD GUIDETH US TO YOUR WINDOW. UH, WHAT KIND OF TROUBLE?

WINDOW. UH, WHAT KIND OF TROUBLE? UH...

UH, WHAT KIND OF TROUBLE? UH... THE BANK ROBBERY.

UH... THE BANK ROBBERY. WE READ ABOUT IT IN THE PAPER.

THE BANK ROBBERY. WE READ ABOUT IT IN THE PAPER. WELL, UH, THE BANK ROBBERY

WE READ ABOUT IT IN THE PAPER. WELL, UH, THE BANK ROBBERY WAS LAST TUESDAY.

WELL, UH, THE BANK ROBBERY WAS LAST TUESDAY. THE EVILDOER SHALL BE

WAS LAST TUESDAY. THE EVILDOER SHALL BE STRICKEN AND FALL, LIKE UNTO THE

THE EVILDOER SHALL BE STRICKEN AND FALL, LIKE UNTO THE OVERRIPE FIG, SO SAITH THE

STRICKEN AND FALL, LIKE UNTO THE OVERRIPE FIG, SO SAITH THE LORD.

OVERRIPE FIG, SO SAITH THE LORD. MAY WE BE OF SOME HELP?

LORD. MAY WE BE OF SOME HELP? UH... NO, I... I THINK

MAY WE BE OF SOME HELP? UH... NO, I... I THINK EVERYTHING'S UNDER CONTROL.

UH... NO, I... I THINK EVERYTHING'S UNDER CONTROL. THE, UH... THE ROBBERS WERE

EVERYTHING'S UNDER CONTROL. THE, UH... THE ROBBERS WERE CAUGHT.

THE, UH... THE ROBBERS WERE CAUGHT. UH, THEY WERE ARRAIGNED

CAUGHT. UH, THEY WERE ARRAIGNED YESTERDAY, I THINK, AND THEY'RE

UH, THEY WERE ARRAIGNED YESTERDAY, I THINK, AND THEY'RE GONNA BE UP FOR TRIAL ON FRIDAY.

YESTERDAY, I THINK, AND THEY'RE GONNA BE UP FOR TRIAL ON FRIDAY. WELL, THEN, OUR WORK IS DONE.

GONNA BE UP FOR TRIAL ON FRIDAY. WELL, THEN, OUR WORK IS DONE. NEXT WEEK ON "A.M.I.S.H.,"

WELL, THEN, OUR WORK IS DONE. NEXT WEEK ON "A.M.I.S.H.," THE OTHER CHEEK.

NEXT WEEK ON "A.M.I.S.H.," THE OTHER CHEEK. WATCH FOR IT.

[FANFARE PLAYS] Both: HER ROYAL HIGHNESS, QUEEN OF ALL RUSSIA,

Both: HER ROYAL HIGHNESS, QUEEN OF ALL RUSSIA, CATHERINE THE GREAT.

QUEEN OF ALL RUSSIA, CATHERINE THE GREAT. YOUR... YOUR MAJESTY IS

CATHERINE THE GREAT. YOUR... YOUR MAJESTY IS LOOKING LOVELY TODAY.

LOOKING LOVELY TODAY. OH, I'M SORRY, GREGNOVICH,

OH, I'M SORRY, GREGNOVICH, BUT MY HEART IS HEAVY TODAY.

BUT MY HEART IS HEAVY TODAY. I'M GOING TO RENDEZVOUS SOON.

I'M GOING TO RENDEZVOUS SOON. I CANNOT HAVE ANY AUDIENCE.

I CANNOT HAVE ANY AUDIENCE. NO AUDIENCE TODAY. VERY WELL.

NO AUDIENCE TODAY. VERY WELL. YOUR MAJESTY, YOUR MAJESTY,

VERY WELL. YOUR MAJESTY, YOUR MAJESTY, YOU MUST LISTEN.

YOUR MAJESTY, YOUR MAJESTY, YOU MUST LISTEN. YOU MUST HEAR ME.

YOU MUST LISTEN. YOU MUST HEAR ME. OUTSIDE THE PALACE...

YOU MUST HEAR ME. OUTSIDE THE PALACE... OUTSIDE THE PALACE, THESE

OUTSIDE THE PALACE... OUTSIDE THE PALACE, THESE PEASANTS ARE STARVING.

OUTSIDE THE PALACE, THESE PEASANTS ARE STARVING. IN WINTER, WE EAT NOTHING BUT

PEASANTS ARE STARVING. IN WINTER, WE EAT NOTHING BUT POTATOES, BREAD, VODKA, SOUP,

IN WINTER, WE EAT NOTHING BUT POTATOES, BREAD, VODKA, SOUP, MEAT, UH...

POTATOES, BREAD, VODKA, SOUP, MEAT, UH... OCCASIONALLY, A SALAD WITH SOME

MEAT, UH... OCCASIONALLY, A SALAD WITH SOME RUSSIAN DRESSING.

OCCASIONALLY, A SALAD WITH SOME RUSSIAN DRESSING. WE HAVE, UH...

RUSSIAN DRESSING. WE HAVE, UH... WHO IS THIS?

WE HAVE, UH... WHO IS THIS? WHO ARE YOU?!

WHO IS THIS? WHO ARE YOU?! WHO ARE YOU?

WHO ARE YOU?! WHO ARE YOU? I AM THE RABBLE.

WHO ARE YOU? I AM THE RABBLE. BUT THERE'S ONLY ONE OF

I AM THE RABBLE. BUT THERE'S ONLY ONE OF YOU... A RABBLE.

BUT THERE'S ONLY ONE OF YOU... A RABBLE. OKAY, A RABBLE, A RABBLE.

YOU... A RABBLE. OKAY, A RABBLE, A RABBLE. LIGHTEN UP ON ME.

OKAY, A RABBLE, A RABBLE. LIGHTEN UP ON ME. YOUR MAJESTY...

LIGHTEN UP ON ME. YOUR MAJESTY... YOUR MAJESTY, LISTEN TO ME.

YOUR MAJESTY... YOUR MAJESTY, LISTEN TO ME. I COME FROM A LITTLE VILLAGE

YOUR MAJESTY, LISTEN TO ME. I COME FROM A LITTLE VILLAGE OUTSIDE OF MINSK.

I COME FROM A LITTLE VILLAGE OUTSIDE OF MINSK. [HUMMING]

OUTSIDE OF MINSK. [HUMMING] WE ARE POOR PEOPLE BUT PROUD

[HUMMING] WE ARE POOR PEOPLE BUT PROUD PEOPLE.

WE ARE POOR PEOPLE BUT PROUD PEOPLE. MY FATHER... MY FATHER WAS A

PEOPLE. MY FATHER... MY FATHER WAS A TENOR UNTIL THE DAY THEY... THE

MY FATHER... MY FATHER WAS A TENOR UNTIL THE DAY THEY... THE INVADERS CAME.

TENOR UNTIL THE DAY THEY... THE INVADERS CAME. THE INVADERS.

INVADERS CAME. THE INVADERS. THE COSSACKS CAME.

THE INVADERS. THE COSSACKS CAME. THEY RAIDED OUR VILLAGE, AND

THE COSSACKS CAME. THEY RAIDED OUR VILLAGE, AND THEY... AND THEY RAPED MY

THEY RAIDED OUR VILLAGE, AND THEY... AND THEY RAPED MY SISTER, AND THEY KILLED MY

THEY... AND THEY RAPED MY SISTER, AND THEY KILLED MY FAMILY.

SISTER, AND THEY KILLED MY FAMILY. HERE'S A PICTURE OF MY FAMILY.

FAMILY. HERE'S A PICTURE OF MY FAMILY. NICE-LOOKING SISTER.

HERE'S A PICTURE OF MY FAMILY. NICE-LOOKING SISTER. GIVE ME THAT.

NICE-LOOKING SISTER. GIVE ME THAT. HEY.

GIVE ME THAT. HEY. THEN I WAS LUCKY.

HEY. THEN I WAS LUCKY. I ESCAPED.

THEN I WAS LUCKY. I ESCAPED. [HUMMING]

I ESCAPED. [HUMMING] I WAS ADOPTED BY ANOTHER

[HUMMING] I WAS ADOPTED BY ANOTHER FAMILY.

I WAS ADOPTED BY ANOTHER FAMILY. THEN I CAME FROM A LITTLE

FAMILY. THEN I CAME FROM A LITTLE VILLAGE OUTSIDE OF KIEV.

THEN I CAME FROM A LITTLE VILLAGE OUTSIDE OF KIEV. MY STEPFATHER'S FATHER WAS A

VILLAGE OUTSIDE OF KIEV. MY STEPFATHER'S FATHER WAS A KING.

MY STEPFATHER'S FATHER WAS A KING. HIS FATHER BEFORE HIM WAS A

KING. HIS FATHER BEFORE HIM WAS A KING.

HIS FATHER BEFORE HIM WAS A KING. HIS FATHER BEFORE HIM WAS A

KING. HIS FATHER BEFORE HIM WAS A KING.

HIS FATHER BEFORE HIM WAS A KING. HIS FATHER BEFORE HIM WAS A

KING. HIS FATHER BEFORE HIM WAS A BARBER.

HIS FATHER BEFORE HIM WAS A BARBER. THREE KINGS AND A BARBER... NOT

BARBER. THREE KINGS AND A BARBER... NOT SO BAD.

THREE KINGS AND A BARBER... NOT SO BAD. THEN A DAY CAME WHEN THE

SO BAD. THEN A DAY CAME WHEN THE INVADERS CAME.

THEN A DAY CAME WHEN THE INVADERS CAME. THEY CAME, AND THEY SWARMED OUR

INVADERS CAME. THEY CAME, AND THEY SWARMED OUR VILLAGE WITH MILLIONS OF THEM.

THEY CAME, AND THEY SWARMED OUR VILLAGE WITH MILLIONS OF THEM. THE LOCUSTS CAME.

VILLAGE WITH MILLIONS OF THEM. THE LOCUSTS CAME. THE LOCUSTS CAME.

THE LOCUSTS CAME. THE LOCUSTS CAME. ALL OF THE LITTLE BUGS CAME TO

THE LOCUSTS CAME. ALL OF THE LITTLE BUGS CAME TO OUR VILLAGE.

ALL OF THE LITTLE BUGS CAME TO OUR VILLAGE. BIG LOCUSTS, THEY CAME.

OUR VILLAGE. BIG LOCUSTS, THEY CAME. THEY TOOK MY MOTHER, AND THEY

BIG LOCUSTS, THEY CAME. THEY TOOK MY MOTHER, AND THEY PUT HER ON TOP OF THE ROOF, AND

THEY TOOK MY MOTHER, AND THEY PUT HER ON TOP OF THE ROOF, AND THEY CAME INSIDE.

PUT HER ON TOP OF THE ROOF, AND THEY CAME INSIDE. THEY PUT MY MOTHER AND MY FATHER

THEY CAME INSIDE. THEY PUT MY MOTHER AND MY FATHER UP AGAINST THE WALL.

THEY PUT MY MOTHER AND MY FATHER UP AGAINST THE WALL. THEY THREW MY SISTER DOWN ON THE

UP AGAINST THE WALL. THEY THREW MY SISTER DOWN ON THE GROUND, AND THEN THEY STARTED TO

THEY THREW MY SISTER DOWN ON THE GROUND, AND THEN THEY STARTED TO DANCE AROUND MY SISTER.

GROUND, AND THEN THEY STARTED TO DANCE AROUND MY SISTER. [HUMMING LOUDLY]

DANCE AROUND MY SISTER. [HUMMING LOUDLY] THEY DANCED AROUND.

[HUMMING LOUDLY] THEY DANCED AROUND. DANCED AROUND MY LITTLE SISTER.

THEY DANCED AROUND. DANCED AROUND MY LITTLE SISTER. HERE'S A PICTURE OF THE LOCUSTS

DANCED AROUND MY LITTLE SISTER. HERE'S A PICTURE OF THE LOCUSTS RAPING MY SISTER.

HERE'S A PICTURE OF THE LOCUSTS RAPING MY SISTER. NICE-LOOKING LOCUSTS.

RAPING MY SISTER. NICE-LOOKING LOCUSTS. HEY, COME ON.

NICE-LOOKING LOCUSTS. HEY, COME ON. ALL RIGHT, ENOUGH OF THIS.

HEY, COME ON. ALL RIGHT, ENOUGH OF THIS. OFF WITH HIS PANTS.

ALL RIGHT, ENOUGH OF THIS. OFF WITH HIS PANTS. I MEAN HIS HEAD.

OFF WITH HIS PANTS. I MEAN HIS HEAD. NO, PANTS.

I MEAN HIS HEAD. NO, PANTS. TAKE HIS PANTS OFF.

NO, PANTS. TAKE HIS PANTS OFF. HEY, WAIT.

TAKE HIS PANTS OFF. HEY, WAIT. OH!

HEY, WAIT. OH! YOUR MAJESTY.

OH! YOUR MAJESTY. YES.

YOUR MAJESTY. YES. YOUR LOVER, RIMSKILIOVICH

YES. YOUR LOVER, RIMSKILIOVICH BLITSKINSKIA GREGOROVICHNIK IS

YOUR LOVER, RIMSKILIOVICH BLITSKINSKIA GREGOROVICHNIK IS WAITING FOR YOU IN YOUR BOUDOIR.

BLITSKINSKIA GREGOROVICHNIK IS WAITING FOR YOU IN YOUR BOUDOIR. OH, RIMSKILIOVICH

WAITING FOR YOU IN YOUR BOUDOIR. OH, RIMSKILIOVICH BLITSKINSKIA...

OH, RIMSKILIOVICH BLITSKINSKIA... [COUGHS]

BLITSKINSKIA... [COUGHS] GREGOROVICHNIK.

[COUGHS] GREGOROVICHNIK. [LAUGHS]

GREGOROVICHNIK. [LAUGHS] ENOUGH OF AFFAIRS OF THE ESTATE.

[LAUGHS] ENOUGH OF AFFAIRS OF THE ESTATE. NOW FOR AFFAIRS OF THE HEART.

ENOUGH OF AFFAIRS OF THE ESTATE. NOW FOR AFFAIRS OF THE HEART. [CHUCKLES]

NOW FOR AFFAIRS OF THE HEART. [CHUCKLES] IT IS RUMORED THAT

[CHUCKLES] IT IS RUMORED THAT RIMSKILIOVICH BLITSKINSKIA...

IT IS RUMORED THAT RIMSKILIOVICH BLITSKINSKIA... [COUGHING]

RIMSKILIOVICH BLITSKINSKIA... [COUGHING] GREGOROVICHNIK IS LOWLY BORN.

[COUGHING] GREGOROVICHNIK IS LOWLY BORN. MM-HMM.

GREGOROVICHNIK IS LOWLY BORN. MM-HMM. YOU KNOW, I AM SO WORRIED

MM-HMM. YOU KNOW, I AM SO WORRIED ABOUT THE EMPRESS.

YOU KNOW, I AM SO WORRIED ABOUT THE EMPRESS. SHE IS SO PASSIONATE.

ABOUT THE EMPRESS. SHE IS SO PASSIONATE. OH, I AM SURE SHE WILL DIE OF

SHE IS SO PASSIONATE. OH, I AM SURE SHE WILL DIE OF LOVE.

DARLING! OH, MY LITTLE POOCHNIK, GIVE ME A KISS.

OH, MY LITTLE POOCHNIK, GIVE ME A KISS. [SMOOCHES]

A KISS. [SMOOCHES] OH, I'M SO SICK OF YOUR MOODS,

[SMOOCHES] OH, I'M SO SICK OF YOUR MOODS, YOU KNOW.

OH, I'M SO SICK OF YOUR MOODS, YOU KNOW. WELL, IT'S YOU, CATHY.

YOU KNOW. WELL, IT'S YOU, CATHY. YOU NEVER HAVE TIME FOR ME

WELL, IT'S YOU, CATHY. YOU NEVER HAVE TIME FOR ME ANYMORE.

YOU NEVER HAVE TIME FOR ME ANYMORE. I'M HERE NOW, AREN'T I?

ANYMORE. I'M HERE NOW, AREN'T I? WELL, WELL, WILBUR, WE NEVER

I'M HERE NOW, AREN'T I? WELL, WELL, WILBUR, WE NEVER GO ANYWHERE TOGETHER.

WELL, WELL, WILBUR, WE NEVER GO ANYWHERE TOGETHER. WE NEVER SEE PEOPLE.

GO ANYWHERE TOGETHER. WE NEVER SEE PEOPLE. THAT'S NOT TRUE.

WE NEVER SEE PEOPLE. THAT'S NOT TRUE. WHAT ABOUT THE PARADE?

THAT'S NOT TRUE. WHAT ABOUT THE PARADE? OH, THE PARADE WAS A MONTH

WHAT ABOUT THE PARADE? OH, THE PARADE WAS A MONTH AGO.

OH, THE PARADE WAS A MONTH AGO. OH, I THINK YOU'RE JUST

AGO. OH, I THINK YOU'RE JUST JEALOUS OF MY WORK.

OH, I THINK YOU'RE JUST JEALOUS OF MY WORK. MAYBE IT'S MY PRIDE.

JEALOUS OF MY WORK. MAYBE IT'S MY PRIDE. I GUESS I...

MAYBE IT'S MY PRIDE. I GUESS I... I JUST DON'T WANT TO BE

I GUESS I... I JUST DON'T WANT TO BE MR. CATHERINE THE GREAT.

I JUST DON'T WANT TO BE MR. CATHERINE THE GREAT. BUT, POOCHNIK, SNOWBALL, I

MR. CATHERINE THE GREAT. BUT, POOCHNIK, SNOWBALL, I WOULD GIVE IT ALL UP FOR YOU.

BUT, POOCHNIK, SNOWBALL, I WOULD GIVE IT ALL UP FOR YOU. AREN'T I SILLY?

WOULD GIVE IT ALL UP FOR YOU. AREN'T I SILLY? I WOULD GIVE UP MY KINGDOM FOR A

AREN'T I SILLY? I WOULD GIVE UP MY KINGDOM FOR A HORSE.

I WOULD GIVE UP MY KINGDOM FOR A HORSE. OH, I COULD NEVER ASK YOU TO

HORSE. OH, I COULD NEVER ASK YOU TO DO THAT, CATHY.

OH, I COULD NEVER ASK YOU TO DO THAT, CATHY. OH, WELL, I GUESS I AM QUEEN,

DO THAT, CATHY. OH, WELL, I GUESS I AM QUEEN, AND A QUEEN IS A QUEEN, BUT I'M

OH, WELL, I GUESS I AM QUEEN, AND A QUEEN IS A QUEEN, BUT I'M ALSO A WOMAN, AND A WOMAN IS A

AND A QUEEN IS A QUEEN, BUT I'M ALSO A WOMAN, AND A WOMAN IS A WOMAN.

ALSO A WOMAN, AND A WOMAN IS A WOMAN. AND A HORSE IS A HORSE.

WOMAN. AND A HORSE IS A HORSE. OF COURSE, OF COURSE.

AND A HORSE IS A HORSE. OF COURSE, OF COURSE. OH, WHAT WE ARE SAYING.

OF COURSE, OF COURSE. OH, WHAT WE ARE SAYING. WHY... WHY DO WE ARGUE THIS WAY?

OH, WHAT WE ARE SAYING. WHY... WHY DO WE ARGUE THIS WAY? WHAT IS IT, MY DARLING?

WHY... WHY DO WE ARGUE THIS WAY? WHAT IS IT, MY DARLING? WHAT IS IT?

WHAT IS IT, MY DARLING? WHAT IS IT? OH, I'M SORRY, CATHY.

WHAT IS IT? OH, I'M SORRY, CATHY. OH, GOLLY.

OH, I'M SORRY, CATHY. OH, GOLLY. [NEIGHS]

OH, GOLLY. [NEIGHS] DO YOU LIKE MY HAIR THIS WAY?

[NEIGHS] DO YOU LIKE MY HAIR THIS WAY? I LOVE YOUR HAIR ANY WAY,

DO YOU LIKE MY HAIR THIS WAY? I LOVE YOUR HAIR ANY WAY, CATHERINE.

I LOVE YOUR HAIR ANY WAY, CATHERINE. OH, DARLING, DO YOU STILL

CATHERINE. OH, DARLING, DO YOU STILL LOVE ME?

OH, DARLING, DO YOU STILL LOVE ME? BABY, YOU'RE THE GREATEST.

LOVE ME? BABY, YOU'RE THE GREATEST. OH, KISS ME.

BABY, YOU'RE THE GREATEST. OH, KISS ME. [SMOOCHING]

OH, KISS ME. [SMOOCHING] [NEIGHING]

[LAUGHTER] [Imitating Snowball] TONIGHT, GARY WEIS' FILM...

[Imitating Snowball] TONIGHT, GARY WEIS' FILM... [Normal voice] ...IS ABOUT

TONIGHT, GARY WEIS' FILM... [Normal voice] ...IS ABOUT GEORGE SCHULTZ, WHO OWNS ONE OF

[Normal voice] ...IS ABOUT GEORGE SCHULTZ, WHO OWNS ONE OF THE FEW NIGHT CLUBS IN THE

GEORGE SCHULTZ, WHO OWNS ONE OF THE FEW NIGHT CLUBS IN THE NEW YORK AREA THAT SHOWCASES

THE FEW NIGHT CLUBS IN THE NEW YORK AREA THAT SHOWCASES YOUNG TALENT.

NEW YORK AREA THAT SHOWCASES YOUNG TALENT. WON'T YOU PLEASE WATCH?

I WAS BORN AND RAISED HERE IN BROOKLYN. I LIKE LIVING HERE IN

BROOKLYN. I LIKE LIVING HERE IN SHEEPSHEAD BAY IN BROOKLYN.

I LIKE LIVING HERE IN SHEEPSHEAD BAY IN BROOKLYN. AND SO I OPENED THIS CLUB,

SHEEPSHEAD BAY IN BROOKLYN. AND SO I OPENED THIS CLUB, HAVING BEEN A COMEDIAN, A PLACE

AND SO I OPENED THIS CLUB, HAVING BEEN A COMEDIAN, A PLACE FOR NEW, YOUNG COMEDIANS TO

HAVING BEEN A COMEDIAN, A PLACE FOR NEW, YOUNG COMEDIANS TO START OUT, YOU KNOW.

FOR NEW, YOUNG COMEDIANS TO START OUT, YOU KNOW. WELL, ONE DAY, I GOT A CALL FROM

START OUT, YOU KNOW. WELL, ONE DAY, I GOT A CALL FROM BINGHAMTON, NEW YORK.

WELL, ONE DAY, I GOT A CALL FROM BINGHAMTON, NEW YORK. SO, BOB COMES IN FRIDAY NIGHT.

BINGHAMTON, NEW YORK. SO, BOB COMES IN FRIDAY NIGHT. INTO THE TOILET.

SO, BOB COMES IN FRIDAY NIGHT. INTO THE TOILET. ABSOLUTE DISASTER.

INTO THE TOILET. ABSOLUTE DISASTER. I HAD PAINS IN MY STOMACH.

ABSOLUTE DISASTER. I HAD PAINS IN MY STOMACH. JUST AWFUL... NOT A LAUGH.

I HAD PAINS IN MY STOMACH. JUST AWFUL... NOT A LAUGH. IT WAS JUST, LIKE, RIDICULOUS

JUST AWFUL... NOT A LAUGH. IT WAS JUST, LIKE, RIDICULOUS FOR 30 MINUTES.

IT WAS JUST, LIKE, RIDICULOUS FOR 30 MINUTES. I FIGURED, "I'M IN TROUBLE," YOU

FOR 30 MINUTES. I FIGURED, "I'M IN TROUBLE," YOU KNOW, AND I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO

I FIGURED, "I'M IN TROUBLE," YOU KNOW, AND I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.

KNOW, AND I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO DO. I DIDN'T WANT TO CANCEL HIM.

DO. I DIDN'T WANT TO CANCEL HIM. THAT HAD BEEN DONE TO ME WHEN I

I DIDN'T WANT TO CANCEL HIM. THAT HAD BEEN DONE TO ME WHEN I WAS A KID.

THAT HAD BEEN DONE TO ME WHEN I WAS A KID. I WAS CANCELED FROM A JOB.

WAS A KID. I WAS CANCELED FROM A JOB. IT'S THE WORST THING YOU CAN DO

I WAS CANCELED FROM A JOB. IT'S THE WORST THING YOU CAN DO TO ANYONE.

IT'S THE WORST THING YOU CAN DO TO ANYONE. I CRIED. I'LL NEVER FORGET IT.

TO ANYONE. I CRIED. I'LL NEVER FORGET IT. RODNEY DANGERFIELD TOLD ME THIS

I CRIED. I'LL NEVER FORGET IT. RODNEY DANGERFIELD TOLD ME THIS STORY, TOO, WHEN WE WERE KIDS

RODNEY DANGERFIELD TOLD ME THIS STORY, TOO, WHEN WE WERE KIDS STARTING OUT.

STORY, TOO, WHEN WE WERE KIDS STARTING OUT. HE ONCE GOT CANCELED, YOU KNOW,

STARTING OUT. HE ONCE GOT CANCELED, YOU KNOW, WITH A TELEPHONE OR THE MIKE.

HE ONCE GOT CANCELED, YOU KNOW, WITH A TELEPHONE OR THE MIKE. AND I WAS COMMITTED.

WITH A TELEPHONE OR THE MIKE. AND I WAS COMMITTED. THE GUY CAME FROM BINGHAMTON.

AND I WAS COMMITTED. THE GUY CAME FROM BINGHAMTON. I SAID, "OH, I'M JUST GONNA GO

THE GUY CAME FROM BINGHAMTON. I SAID, "OH, I'M JUST GONNA GO THROUGH IT, AND THAT'S IT."

I SAID, "OH, I'M JUST GONNA GO THROUGH IT, AND THAT'S IT." BUT WHAT I WAS CONCERNED ABOUT

THROUGH IT, AND THAT'S IT." BUT WHAT I WAS CONCERNED ABOUT WAS WE HAD BOOKED IN AN

BUT WHAT I WAS CONCERNED ABOUT WAS WE HAD BOOKED IN AN ORGANIZATION FOR THE FOLLOWING

WAS WE HAD BOOKED IN AN ORGANIZATION FOR THE FOLLOWING NIGHT.

ORGANIZATION FOR THE FOLLOWING NIGHT. THIS WAS AN ORGANIZATION OF

NIGHT. THIS WAS AN ORGANIZATION OF ADULT RETARDED PEOPLE WHO...

THIS WAS AN ORGANIZATION OF ADULT RETARDED PEOPLE WHO... THEY WERE THE KIND OF PEOPLE

ADULT RETARDED PEOPLE WHO... THEY WERE THE KIND OF PEOPLE THAT DIDN'T HAVE TO...

THEY WERE THE KIND OF PEOPLE THAT DIDN'T HAVE TO... I KNEW SOME PEOPLE IN IT.

THAT DIDN'T HAVE TO... I KNEW SOME PEOPLE IN IT. I HAD KNOWN THE FAMILY OF A

I KNEW SOME PEOPLE IN IT. I HAD KNOWN THE FAMILY OF A MARRIED COUPLE WHO WERE IN THIS

I HAD KNOWN THE FAMILY OF A MARRIED COUPLE WHO WERE IN THIS CENTER, AND THEY ASKED US.

MARRIED COUPLE WHO WERE IN THIS CENTER, AND THEY ASKED US. THEY SAID, "THESE PEOPLE HAVE

CENTER, AND THEY ASKED US. THEY SAID, "THESE PEOPLE HAVE NEVER BEEN TO A NIGHTCLUB AND

THEY SAID, "THESE PEOPLE HAVE NEVER BEEN TO A NIGHTCLUB AND SEEN A SHOW."

NEVER BEEN TO A NIGHTCLUB AND SEEN A SHOW." THEY TRIED TO BOOK THEM IN

SEEN A SHOW." THEY TRIED TO BOOK THEM IN VARIOUS PLACES.

THEY TRIED TO BOOK THEM IN VARIOUS PLACES. NO ONE WOULD TAKE THEM BECAUSE

VARIOUS PLACES. NO ONE WOULD TAKE THEM BECAUSE THEY FOUND OUT THEY'RE RETARDED,

NO ONE WOULD TAKE THEM BECAUSE THEY FOUND OUT THEY'RE RETARDED, YOU KNOW... SLIGHTLY RETARDED.

THEY FOUND OUT THEY'RE RETARDED, YOU KNOW... SLIGHTLY RETARDED. AND, WELL, WE BOOK THEM.

YOU KNOW... SLIGHTLY RETARDED. AND, WELL, WE BOOK THEM. SO WE SAID, "YEAH, OKAY."

AND, WELL, WE BOOK THEM. SO WE SAID, "YEAH, OKAY." YOU KNOW, WE MADE A VERY GOOD

SO WE SAID, "YEAH, OKAY." YOU KNOW, WE MADE A VERY GOOD DEAL FOR THEM, AND THE PLACE WAS

YOU KNOW, WE MADE A VERY GOOD DEAL FOR THEM, AND THE PLACE WAS SOLD-OUT, LIKE OVER 100 PEOPLE

DEAL FOR THEM, AND THE PLACE WAS SOLD-OUT, LIKE OVER 100 PEOPLE FOR THE NEXT NIGHT, YOU KNOW.

SOLD-OUT, LIKE OVER 100 PEOPLE FOR THE NEXT NIGHT, YOU KNOW. AND I'M THINKING, "JEEZ, YOU

FOR THE NEXT NIGHT, YOU KNOW. AND I'M THINKING, "JEEZ, YOU KNOW, I'VE GOT THIS GUY, YOU

AND I'M THINKING, "JEEZ, YOU KNOW, I'VE GOT THIS GUY, YOU KNOW, IN TROUBLE, YOU KNOW."

KNOW, I'VE GOT THIS GUY, YOU KNOW, IN TROUBLE, YOU KNOW." WHAT I DIDN'T REALIZE AND I

KNOW, IN TROUBLE, YOU KNOW." WHAT I DIDN'T REALIZE AND I FOUND OUT WAS, THESE PEOPLE, YOU

WHAT I DIDN'T REALIZE AND I FOUND OUT WAS, THESE PEOPLE, YOU KNOW, HAD NEVER BEEN

FOUND OUT WAS, THESE PEOPLE, YOU KNOW, HAD NEVER BEEN ENTERTAINED, NEVER SEEN A

KNOW, HAD NEVER BEEN ENTERTAINED, NEVER SEEN A COMEDIAN, NEVER BEEN TO A

ENTERTAINED, NEVER SEEN A COMEDIAN, NEVER BEEN TO A NIGHTCLUB, AND IT WAS THE KIND

COMEDIAN, NEVER BEEN TO A NIGHTCLUB, AND IT WAS THE KIND OF AUDIENCE... I MEAN, ALL YOU

NIGHTCLUB, AND IT WAS THE KIND OF AUDIENCE... I MEAN, ALL YOU HAD TO DO WAS GO...

OF AUDIENCE... I MEAN, ALL YOU HAD TO DO WAS GO... [HONKS]

HAD TO DO WAS GO... [HONKS] THEY WOULD LAUGH.

[HONKS] THEY WOULD LAUGH. THIS, I FOUND OUT LATER.

THEY WOULD LAUGH. THIS, I FOUND OUT LATER. WELL, ANYWAY, THE PLACE IS DARK,

THIS, I FOUND OUT LATER. WELL, ANYWAY, THE PLACE IS DARK, YOU KNOW, IN THE EVENING, AND

WELL, ANYWAY, THE PLACE IS DARK, YOU KNOW, IN THE EVENING, AND BOB COMES IN TO WORK, RIGHT.

YOU KNOW, IN THE EVENING, AND BOB COMES IN TO WORK, RIGHT. YOU KNOW, HE DOESN'T LOOK TOO

BOB COMES IN TO WORK, RIGHT. YOU KNOW, HE DOESN'T LOOK TOO CLOSE, SEES THE PLACE IS JAMMED,

YOU KNOW, HE DOESN'T LOOK TOO CLOSE, SEES THE PLACE IS JAMMED, SAID, "HEY, GOOD BUSINESS."

CLOSE, SEES THE PLACE IS JAMMED, SAID, "HEY, GOOD BUSINESS." BUT IF YOU LOOKED CLOSE, YOU

SAID, "HEY, GOOD BUSINESS." BUT IF YOU LOOKED CLOSE, YOU COULD SEE, YEP, THERE'S A HEAD

BUT IF YOU LOOKED CLOSE, YOU COULD SEE, YEP, THERE'S A HEAD HERE AND THERE A LITTLE TOO BIG,

COULD SEE, YEP, THERE'S A HEAD HERE AND THERE A LITTLE TOO BIG, MAYBE, A LITTLE WETNESS UNDER A

HERE AND THERE A LITTLE TOO BIG, MAYBE, A LITTLE WETNESS UNDER A LIP HERE AND THERE, BUT YOU

MAYBE, A LITTLE WETNESS UNDER A LIP HERE AND THERE, BUT YOU DON'T LOOK.

LIP HERE AND THERE, BUT YOU DON'T LOOK. YOU KNOW, HE'S ANXIOUS TO GO ON.

DON'T LOOK. YOU KNOW, HE'S ANXIOUS TO GO ON. RIGHT, YOU'VE GOT THE JOKE.

YOU KNOW, HE'S ANXIOUS TO GO ON. RIGHT, YOU'VE GOT THE JOKE. ALL RIGHT, SO HE'S INTRODUCED.

RIGHT, YOU'VE GOT THE JOKE. ALL RIGHT, SO HE'S INTRODUCED. HE GOES ON.

ALL RIGHT, SO HE'S INTRODUCED. HE GOES ON. FORGET ABOUT IT.

HE GOES ON. FORGET ABOUT IT. THE GREATEST PERFORMANCE IN THE

FORGET ABOUT IT. THE GREATEST PERFORMANCE IN THE HISTORY OF SHOW BUSINESS.

THE GREATEST PERFORMANCE IN THE HISTORY OF SHOW BUSINESS. NOBODY EVER... FOR 40 MINUTES

HISTORY OF SHOW BUSINESS. NOBODY EVER... FOR 40 MINUTES ABSOLUTELY DEMOLISHED THEM.

NOBODY EVER... FOR 40 MINUTES ABSOLUTELY DEMOLISHED THEM. THERE WERE SCREAMS.

ABSOLUTELY DEMOLISHED THEM. THERE WERE SCREAMS. STRAIGHT LINES, EVERY LINE WAS

THERE WERE SCREAMS. STRAIGHT LINES, EVERY LINE WAS PANDEMONIUM.

STRAIGHT LINES, EVERY LINE WAS PANDEMONIUM. NEVER IN MY LIFE HAVE I SEEN A

PANDEMONIUM. NEVER IN MY LIFE HAVE I SEEN A PERFORMANCE LIKE THIS.

NEVER IN MY LIFE HAVE I SEEN A PERFORMANCE LIKE THIS. FORGET ABOUT IT.

PERFORMANCE LIKE THIS. FORGET ABOUT IT. THESE PEOPLE, LIKE, WERE JUST

FORGET ABOUT IT. THESE PEOPLE, LIKE, WERE JUST LIKE, WILD, ALL RIGHT.

THESE PEOPLE, LIKE, WERE JUST LIKE, WILD, ALL RIGHT. HE GETS FINISHED.

LIKE, WILD, ALL RIGHT. HE GETS FINISHED. HE WALKS OFF.

HE GETS FINISHED. HE WALKS OFF. HE'S SWEATING.

HE WALKS OFF. HE'S SWEATING. LIKE, THE NOSTRILS ARE FLARING

HE'S SWEATING. LIKE, THE NOSTRILS ARE FLARING WITH THE SWEET SMELL OF SUCCESS.

LIKE, THE NOSTRILS ARE FLARING WITH THE SWEET SMELL OF SUCCESS. HE'S ALL FLUSHED... BOB, RIGHT.

WITH THE SWEET SMELL OF SUCCESS. HE'S ALL FLUSHED... BOB, RIGHT. HE DIDN'T EVEN STOP TO GET PAID.

HE'S ALL FLUSHED... BOB, RIGHT. HE DIDN'T EVEN STOP TO GET PAID. LEFT, RIGHT?

HE DIDN'T EVEN STOP TO GET PAID. LEFT, RIGHT? I HAD TO SEND HIM HIS CHECK,

LEFT, RIGHT? I HAD TO SEND HIM HIS CHECK, OKAY.

I HAD TO SEND HIM HIS CHECK, OKAY. HE NEVER KNEW WHO THIS AUDIENCE

OKAY. HE NEVER KNEW WHO THIS AUDIENCE WAS.

HE NEVER KNEW WHO THIS AUDIENCE WAS. THIS IS, LIKE, 12 YEARS AGO.

WAS. THIS IS, LIKE, 12 YEARS AGO. IT'S SOMETHING I GOT INTO ABOUT

THIS IS, LIKE, 12 YEARS AGO. IT'S SOMETHING I GOT INTO ABOUT A YEAR AGO, TWO YEARS AGO.

IT'S SOMETHING I GOT INTO ABOUT A YEAR AGO, TWO YEARS AGO. IT RELAXES ME.

A YEAR AGO, TWO YEARS AGO. IT RELAXES ME. I DON'T BLINK.

IT RELAXES ME. I DON'T BLINK. I GUESS YOU'VE SEEN THE BLINK.

I DON'T BLINK. I GUESS YOU'VE SEEN THE BLINK. THE BLINKING STARTED...

I GUESS YOU'VE SEEN THE BLINK. THE BLINKING STARTED... ABOUT EIGHT YEARS AGO, I BROKE

THE BLINKING STARTED... ABOUT EIGHT YEARS AGO, I BROKE UP WITH MY WIFE, YOU KNOW, AND

ABOUT EIGHT YEARS AGO, I BROKE UP WITH MY WIFE, YOU KNOW, AND I'VE ALWAYS BEEN A REAL NERVOUS

UP WITH MY WIFE, YOU KNOW, AND I'VE ALWAYS BEEN A REAL NERVOUS GUY.

I'VE ALWAYS BEEN A REAL NERVOUS GUY. SINCE I'M A TEENAGER, I USED TO

GUY. SINCE I'M A TEENAGER, I USED TO DO THIS, YOU KNOW.

SINCE I'M A TEENAGER, I USED TO DO THIS, YOU KNOW. SO NOW I'VE GOT THIS ONE GOING

DO THIS, YOU KNOW. SO NOW I'VE GOT THIS ONE GOING NOW, YOU KNOW.

SO NOW I'VE GOT THIS ONE GOING NOW, YOU KNOW. THEN I DON'T KNOW IF IT STARTED

NOW, YOU KNOW. THEN I DON'T KNOW IF IT STARTED WITH THE FISHING, BUT A YEAR AGO

THEN I DON'T KNOW IF IT STARTED WITH THE FISHING, BUT A YEAR AGO I STARTED THIS ONE.

WITH THE FISHING, BUT A YEAR AGO I STARTED THIS ONE. IT'S THE TRUTH.

I STARTED THIS ONE. IT'S THE TRUTH. SO WHEN THE ANXIETIES ARE

IT'S THE TRUTH. SO WHEN THE ANXIETIES ARE GETTING ME REAL NICE, IT'S THIS.

SO WHEN THE ANXIETIES ARE GETTING ME REAL NICE, IT'S THIS. BUT... BUT A COUPLE OF MONTHS

GETTING ME REAL NICE, IT'S THIS. BUT... BUT A COUPLE OF MONTHS AGO... I WASN'T...

BUT... BUT A COUPLE OF MONTHS AGO... I WASN'T... I THINK I'VE GOT SOMETHING.

AGO... I WASN'T... I THINK I'VE GOT SOMETHING. I HAD A NIBBLE... NO.

I THINK I'VE GOT SOMETHING. I HAD A NIBBLE... NO. BUT A COUPLE OF MONTHS AGO...

I HAD A NIBBLE... NO. BUT A COUPLE OF MONTHS AGO... I WASN'T EVEN AWARE OF THIS.

BUT A COUPLE OF MONTHS AGO... I WASN'T EVEN AWARE OF THIS. I THINK IT WAS MY YOUNGEST SON,

I WASN'T EVEN AWARE OF THIS. I THINK IT WAS MY YOUNGEST SON, SETH, SAID, "DAD, WHAT ARE YOU

I THINK IT WAS MY YOUNGEST SON, SETH, SAID, "DAD, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?"

SETH, SAID, "DAD, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" I WAS WALKING AROUND THE HOUSE,

DOING?" I WAS WALKING AROUND THE HOUSE, AND I HAD DEVELOPED A NEW BEAUT,

I WAS WALKING AROUND THE HOUSE, AND I HAD DEVELOPED A NEW BEAUT, A NICE CUTIE.

AND I HAD DEVELOPED A NEW BEAUT, A NICE CUTIE. I WAS DOING THIS.

A NICE CUTIE. I WAS DOING THIS. HMM, HMM, HMM, HMM.

I WAS DOING THIS. HMM, HMM, HMM, HMM. I DON'T KNOW IF YOU CAN HEAR IT.

HMM, HMM, HMM, HMM. I DON'T KNOW IF YOU CAN HEAR IT. HMM, HMM, HMM.

I DON'T KNOW IF YOU CAN HEAR IT. HMM, HMM, HMM. "WHAT ARE DOING?"

HMM, HMM, HMM. "WHAT ARE DOING?" I SAID, "I DON'T KNOW."

"WHAT ARE DOING?" I SAID, "I DON'T KNOW." YOU KNOW, SO IT'S A NEW ONE.

I SAID, "I DON'T KNOW." YOU KNOW, SO IT'S A NEW ONE. SO PEOPLE, I GUESS, TEND TO WANT

YOU KNOW, SO IT'S A NEW ONE. SO PEOPLE, I GUESS, TEND TO WANT TO BE NEAR SOMEONE.

SO PEOPLE, I GUESS, TEND TO WANT TO BE NEAR SOMEONE. SO SOMEONE ALWAYS SITS MAYBE A

TO BE NEAR SOMEONE. SO SOMEONE ALWAYS SITS MAYBE A CHAIR AWAY OR SOMETHING.

SO SOMEONE ALWAYS SITS MAYBE A CHAIR AWAY OR SOMETHING. AND NOW I'M HAVING THE COFFEE,

CHAIR AWAY OR SOMETHING. AND NOW I'M HAVING THE COFFEE, NOT AWARE THAT I'M GOING, "HMM,

AND NOW I'M HAVING THE COFFEE, NOT AWARE THAT I'M GOING, "HMM, HMM," AND YOU KIND OF SENSE WHEN

NOT AWARE THAT I'M GOING, "HMM, HMM," AND YOU KIND OF SENSE WHEN SOMEONE'S STARING AT YOU.

HMM," AND YOU KIND OF SENSE WHEN SOMEONE'S STARING AT YOU. SO I REALIZED SOMEONE'S LOOKING

SOMEONE'S STARING AT YOU. SO I REALIZED SOMEONE'S LOOKING AT ME, YOU KNOW.

SO I REALIZED SOMEONE'S LOOKING AT ME, YOU KNOW. IT'S A GUY... A BUS DRIVER.

AT ME, YOU KNOW. IT'S A GUY... A BUS DRIVER. IT WAS A FISHERMAN.

IT'S A GUY... A BUS DRIVER. IT WAS A FISHERMAN. AND I REALIZE THEY'RE HEARING,

IT WAS A FISHERMAN. AND I REALIZE THEY'RE HEARING, "HMM, HMM, HMM, HMM."

AND I REALIZE THEY'RE HEARING, "HMM, HMM, HMM, HMM." SO IT'S EMBARRASSING.

"HMM, HMM, HMM, HMM." SO IT'S EMBARRASSING. SO I START TO PRETEND I'M

SO IT'S EMBARRASSING. SO I START TO PRETEND I'M HUMMING.

SO I START TO PRETEND I'M HUMMING. YOU KNOW, I DID KENNY RANKIN THE

HUMMING. YOU KNOW, I DID KENNY RANKIN THE OTHER NIGHT.

YOU KNOW, I DID KENNY RANKIN THE OTHER NIGHT. I DID "CAROUSEL," A WHOLE

OTHER NIGHT. I DID "CAROUSEL," A WHOLE MEDLEY.

I DID "CAROUSEL," A WHOLE MEDLEY. [HUMMING]

MEDLEY. [HUMMING] SO THAT'S WHY I FISH.

[HUMMING] SO THAT'S WHY I FISH. I DON'T BLINK WHEN I FISH,

SO THAT'S WHY I FISH. I DON'T BLINK WHEN I FISH, USUALLY.

I DON'T BLINK WHEN I FISH, USUALLY. ONE OF THESE ONCE IN A WHILE.

USUALLY. ONE OF THESE ONCE IN A WHILE. OR ONE OF THESE.

ONE OF THESE ONCE IN A WHILE. OR ONE OF THESE. SO I FISH AWAY, YOU KNOW.

[LAUGHTER]

Announcer: NOW, ONCE AGAIN, HERE'S JOHN PRINE. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

HERE'S JOHN PRINE. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] THIS IS A... THIS IS A SONG

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] THIS IS A... THIS IS A SONG FROM A STORY MY GRANDFATHER TOLD

THIS IS A... THIS IS A SONG FROM A STORY MY GRANDFATHER TOLD ME ABOUT A FAMILY THAT WENT OUT

FROM A STORY MY GRANDFATHER TOLD ME ABOUT A FAMILY THAT WENT OUT FOR A SUNDAY DRIVE AND THEY

ME ABOUT A FAMILY THAT WENT OUT FOR A SUNDAY DRIVE AND THEY NEVER CAME BACK.

FOR A SUNDAY DRIVE AND THEY NEVER CAME BACK. IT'S CALLED

NEVER CAME BACK. IT'S CALLED "THE BOTTOMLESS LAKE."

♪ HERE'S THE STORY OF A MAN AND HIS FAMILY ♪ ♪ AND A BIG TRIP THAT THEY

HIS FAMILY ♪ ♪ AND A BIG TRIP THAT THEY TOOK ♪

♪ AND A BIG TRIP THAT THEY TOOK ♪ ♪ I HEARD ALL ABOUT IT IN A

TOOK ♪ ♪ I HEARD ALL ABOUT IT IN A RESTAURANT ♪

♪ I HEARD ALL ABOUT IT IN A RESTAURANT ♪ ♪ AND I READ IT IN A HISTORY

RESTAURANT ♪ ♪ AND I READ IT IN A HISTORY BOOK ♪

♪ AND I READ IT IN A HISTORY BOOK ♪ ♪ THEY RENTED A CAR AT THE

BOOK ♪ ♪ THEY RENTED A CAR AT THE ERIE CANAL ♪

♪ THEY RENTED A CAR AT THE ERIE CANAL ♪ ♪ BUT THE CAR DIDN'T HAVE NO

ERIE CANAL ♪ ♪ BUT THE CAR DIDN'T HAVE NO BRAKE ♪

♪ BUT THE CAR DIDN'T HAVE NO BRAKE ♪ ♪ SAID MA TO PA, "MY GOD, THIS

BRAKE ♪ ♪ SAID MA TO PA, "MY GOD, THIS CAR IS GONNA FALL INTO THE

♪ SAID MA TO PA, "MY GOD, THIS CAR IS GONNA FALL INTO THE BOTTOMLESS LAKE" ♪

CAR IS GONNA FALL INTO THE BOTTOMLESS LAKE" ♪ ♪ SAID MA TO PA, "MY GOD, THIS

BOTTOMLESS LAKE" ♪ ♪ SAID MA TO PA, "MY GOD, THIS CAR IS GONNA FALL INTO THE

♪ SAID MA TO PA, "MY GOD, THIS CAR IS GONNA FALL INTO THE BOTTOMLESS LAKE" ♪

CAR IS GONNA FALL INTO THE BOTTOMLESS LAKE" ♪ ♪ MAMA TURNED TO DADDY WITH A

BOTTOMLESS LAKE" ♪ ♪ MAMA TURNED TO DADDY WITH A PALE FACE ♪

♪ MAMA TURNED TO DADDY WITH A PALE FACE ♪ ♪ SAID, "I'VE DONE SOMETHING

PALE FACE ♪ ♪ SAID, "I'VE DONE SOMETHING HORRIBLY WRONG ♪

♪ SAID, "I'VE DONE SOMETHING HORRIBLY WRONG ♪ ♪ THE WATER'S STILL RUNNING IN

HORRIBLY WRONG ♪ ♪ THE WATER'S STILL RUNNING IN THE BATHTUB ♪

♪ THE WATER'S STILL RUNNING IN THE BATHTUB ♪ ♪ AND I THINK I LEFT THE KITCHEN

THE BATHTUB ♪ ♪ AND I THINK I LEFT THE KITCHEN LIGHT ON" ♪

♪ AND I THINK I LEFT THE KITCHEN LIGHT ON" ♪ ♪ THEN I HEARD A CRASH ♪

LIGHT ON" ♪ ♪ THEN I HEARD A CRASH ♪ ♪ THE CAR WENT SPLASH ♪

♪ THEN I HEARD A CRASH ♪ ♪ THE CAR WENT SPLASH ♪ ♪ THEN THE COMPASS ROLLED AROUND

♪ THE CAR WENT SPLASH ♪ ♪ THEN THE COMPASS ROLLED AROUND AND AROUND ♪

♪ THEN THE COMPASS ROLLED AROUND AND AROUND ♪ ♪ OH, FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE ♪

AND AROUND ♪ ♪ OH, FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE ♪ ♪ WE FELL IN A LAKE ♪

♪ OH, FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE ♪ ♪ WE FELL IN A LAKE ♪ ♪ AND I THINK WE'RE ALL GONNA

♪ WE FELL IN A LAKE ♪ ♪ AND I THINK WE'RE ALL GONNA DROWN ♪

♪ AND I THINK WE'RE ALL GONNA DROWN ♪ ♪ WE ARE FALLING DOWN ♪

DROWN ♪ ♪ WE ARE FALLING DOWN ♪ ♪ DOWN TO THE BOTTOM OF A HOLE

♪ WE ARE FALLING DOWN ♪ ♪ DOWN TO THE BOTTOM OF A HOLE IN THE GROUND ♪

♪ DOWN TO THE BOTTOM OF A HOLE IN THE GROUND ♪ ♪ SMOKE 'EM IF YOU GOT 'EM ♪

IN THE GROUND ♪ ♪ SMOKE 'EM IF YOU GOT 'EM ♪ ♪ I'M SO SCARED, I CAN HARDLY

♪ SMOKE 'EM IF YOU GOT 'EM ♪ ♪ I'M SO SCARED, I CAN HARDLY BREATHE ♪

♪ I'M SO SCARED, I CAN HARDLY BREATHE ♪ ♪ I MAY NEVER SEE MY SWEETHEART

BREATHE ♪ ♪ I MAY NEVER SEE MY SWEETHEART AGAIN ♪

♪ I MAY NEVER SEE MY SWEETHEART AGAIN ♪ ♪ THERE WAS PLENTY OF FOOD IN

AGAIN ♪ ♪ THERE WAS PLENTY OF FOOD IN THE BACKSEAT ♪

♪ THERE WAS PLENTY OF FOOD IN THE BACKSEAT ♪ ♪ AND THE WINDOWS WERE ROLLED UP

THE BACKSEAT ♪ ♪ AND THE WINDOWS WERE ROLLED UP TIGHT ♪

♪ AND THE WINDOWS WERE ROLLED UP TIGHT ♪ ♪ SO WE ALL NIBBLED ON A CHICKEN

TIGHT ♪ ♪ SO WE ALL NIBBLED ON A CHICKEN LEG AND TOLD STORIES WAY THROUGH

♪ SO WE ALL NIBBLED ON A CHICKEN LEG AND TOLD STORIES WAY THROUGH THE NIGHT ♪

LEG AND TOLD STORIES WAY THROUGH THE NIGHT ♪ ♪ PA TOLD ONE THAT HE TOLD

THE NIGHT ♪ ♪ PA TOLD ONE THAT HE TOLD BEFORE ♪

♪ PA TOLD ONE THAT HE TOLD BEFORE ♪ ♪ AND THE BABY GOT A BELLYACHE ♪

BEFORE ♪ ♪ AND THE BABY GOT A BELLYACHE ♪ ♪ SAID MA TO PA, "MY GOD, THIS

♪ AND THE BABY GOT A BELLYACHE ♪ ♪ SAID MA TO PA, "MY GOD, THIS CAR IS FALLING DOWN THE

♪ SAID MA TO PA, "MY GOD, THIS CAR IS FALLING DOWN THE BOTTOMLESS LAKE" ♪

CAR IS FALLING DOWN THE BOTTOMLESS LAKE" ♪ ♪ SAID MA TO PA, "MY GOD, THIS

BOTTOMLESS LAKE" ♪ ♪ SAID MA TO PA, "MY GOD, THIS CAR IS FALLING DOWN THE

♪ SAID MA TO PA, "MY GOD, THIS CAR IS FALLING DOWN THE BOTTOMLESS LAKE" ♪

CAR IS FALLING DOWN THE BOTTOMLESS LAKE" ♪ ♪ WE ARE FALLING DOWN ♪

BOTTOMLESS LAKE" ♪ ♪ WE ARE FALLING DOWN ♪ ♪ DOWN TO THE BOTTOM OF A HOLE

♪ WE ARE FALLING DOWN ♪ ♪ DOWN TO THE BOTTOM OF A HOLE IN THE GROUND ♪

♪ DOWN TO THE BOTTOM OF A HOLE IN THE GROUND ♪ ♪ SMOKE 'EM IF YOU GOT 'EM ♪

IN THE GROUND ♪ ♪ SMOKE 'EM IF YOU GOT 'EM ♪ ♪ I'M SO SCARED, I CAN HARDLY

♪ SMOKE 'EM IF YOU GOT 'EM ♪ ♪ I'M SO SCARED, I CAN HARDLY BREATHE ♪

♪ I'M SO SCARED, I CAN HARDLY BREATHE ♪ ♪ I MAY NEVER SEE MY SWEETHEART

BREATHE ♪ ♪ I MAY NEVER SEE MY SWEETHEART AGAIN ♪

♪ PAPA PLAYED THE MUSIC ON THE RADIO ♪ ♪ MAMA ROCKED THE BABY TO

RADIO ♪ ♪ MAMA ROCKED THE BABY TO SLEEP ♪

♪ MAMA ROCKED THE BABY TO SLEEP ♪ ♪ HE SAID HE WOULD HAVE TAKEN

SLEEP ♪ ♪ HE SAID HE WOULD HAVE TAKEN THE OTHER ROAD ♪

♪ HE SAID HE WOULD HAVE TAKEN THE OTHER ROAD ♪ ♪ BUT HE DIDN'T THINK THE LAKE

THE OTHER ROAD ♪ ♪ BUT HE DIDN'T THINK THE LAKE WAS THAT DEEP ♪

♪ BUT HE DIDN'T THINK THE LAKE WAS THAT DEEP ♪ ♪ IF THE FERRY HAD BEEN THERE AT

WAS THAT DEEP ♪ ♪ IF THE FERRY HAD BEEN THERE AT THE END OF THE PIER, WE'D BE

♪ IF THE FERRY HAD BEEN THERE AT THE END OF THE PIER, WE'D BE HALFWAY TO UNCLE JAKE'S ♪

THE END OF THE PIER, WE'D BE HALFWAY TO UNCLE JAKE'S ♪ ♪ INSTEAD OF LOOKING AT FISH OUT

HALFWAY TO UNCLE JAKE'S ♪ ♪ INSTEAD OF LOOKING AT FISH OUT THE WINDOW, I WISH WE'D HIT THE

♪ INSTEAD OF LOOKING AT FISH OUT THE WINDOW, I WISH WE'D HIT THE BOTTOM OF THE BOTTOMLESS LAKE ♪

THE WINDOW, I WISH WE'D HIT THE BOTTOM OF THE BOTTOMLESS LAKE ♪ ♪ INSTEAD OF LOOKING AT FISH OUT

BOTTOM OF THE BOTTOMLESS LAKE ♪ ♪ INSTEAD OF LOOKING AT FISH OUT THE WINDOW, I WISH WE'D HIT THE

♪ INSTEAD OF LOOKING AT FISH OUT THE WINDOW, I WISH WE'D HIT THE BOTTOM OF THE BOTTOMLESS LAKE ♪

THE WINDOW, I WISH WE'D HIT THE BOTTOM OF THE BOTTOMLESS LAKE ♪ ♪ WE ARE FALLING DOWN ♪

BOTTOM OF THE BOTTOMLESS LAKE ♪ ♪ WE ARE FALLING DOWN ♪ ♪ DOWN TO THE BOTTOM OF A HOLE

♪ WE ARE FALLING DOWN ♪ ♪ DOWN TO THE BOTTOM OF A HOLE IN THE GROUND ♪

♪ DOWN TO THE BOTTOM OF A HOLE IN THE GROUND ♪ ♪ SMOKE 'EM IF YOU GOT 'EM ♪

IN THE GROUND ♪ ♪ SMOKE 'EM IF YOU GOT 'EM ♪ ♪ I'M SO SCARED, I CAN HARDLY

♪ SMOKE 'EM IF YOU GOT 'EM ♪ ♪ I'M SO SCARED, I CAN HARDLY BREATHE ♪

♪ I'M SO SCARED, I CAN HARDLY BREATHE ♪ ♪ I MAY NEVER SEE MY SWEETHEART

BREATHE ♪ ♪ I MAY NEVER SEE MY SWEETHEART AGAIN ♪

♪ I MAY NEVER SEE MY SWEETHEART AGAIN ♪ ♪ SO, IF YOU'RE EVER GOING ON A

AGAIN ♪ ♪ SO, IF YOU'RE EVER GOING ON A BIG TRIP ♪

♪ SO, IF YOU'RE EVER GOING ON A BIG TRIP ♪ ♪ YOU BETTER BE CAREFUL OUT

BIG TRIP ♪ ♪ YOU BETTER BE CAREFUL OUT THERE ♪

♪ YOU BETTER BE CAREFUL OUT THERE ♪ ♪ START EVERYTHING ON YOUR GOOD

THERE ♪ ♪ START EVERYTHING ON YOUR GOOD FOOT AND WEAR CLEAN UNDERWEAR ♪

♪ START EVERYTHING ON YOUR GOOD FOOT AND WEAR CLEAN UNDERWEAR ♪ ♪ TAKE ALONG A BIBLE IN THE

FOOT AND WEAR CLEAN UNDERWEAR ♪ ♪ TAKE ALONG A BIBLE IN THE BACKSEAT ♪

♪ TAKE ALONG A BIBLE IN THE BACKSEAT ♪ ♪ READ OF DAVID AND OF SOLOMON ♪

BACKSEAT ♪ ♪ READ OF DAVID AND OF SOLOMON ♪ ♪ FOR IF YOU MAKE A MISTAKE IN

♪ READ OF DAVID AND OF SOLOMON ♪ ♪ FOR IF YOU MAKE A MISTAKE IN THE BOTTOMLESS LAKE, YOU MAY

♪ FOR IF YOU MAKE A MISTAKE IN THE BOTTOMLESS LAKE, YOU MAY NEVER SEE YOUR SWEETHEART

THE BOTTOMLESS LAKE, YOU MAY NEVER SEE YOUR SWEETHEART AGAIN ♪

NEVER SEE YOUR SWEETHEART AGAIN ♪ ♪ IF YOU SHOULD MAKE A MISTAKE

AGAIN ♪ ♪ IF YOU SHOULD MAKE A MISTAKE IN THE BOTTOMLESS LAKE, YOU MAY

♪ IF YOU SHOULD MAKE A MISTAKE IN THE BOTTOMLESS LAKE, YOU MAY NEVER SEE YOUR SWEETHEART

IN THE BOTTOMLESS LAKE, YOU MAY NEVER SEE YOUR SWEETHEART AGAIN ♪

NEVER SEE YOUR SWEETHEART AGAIN ♪ ♪ IF YOU SHOULD MAKE A MISTAKE

AGAIN ♪ ♪ IF YOU SHOULD MAKE A MISTAKE IN THE BOTTOMLESS LAKE, YOU MAY

♪ IF YOU SHOULD MAKE A MISTAKE IN THE BOTTOMLESS LAKE, YOU MAY NEVER SEE YOUR SWEETHEART

IN THE BOTTOMLESS LAKE, YOU MAY NEVER SEE YOUR SWEETHEART AGAIN ♪

NEVER SEE YOUR SWEETHEART AGAIN ♪ [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

AGAIN ♪ [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] THANK YOU.

[LAUGHS] BUT... BUT WEREN'T YOU SORT OF EMBARRASSED, YOU KNOW, EVERY

BUT... BUT WEREN'T YOU SORT OF EMBARRASSED, YOU KNOW, EVERY TIME YOU'RE UNDERPANTS SHOWED

EMBARRASSED, YOU KNOW, EVERY TIME YOU'RE UNDERPANTS SHOWED WHEN YOU DID A CARTWHEEL?

TIME YOU'RE UNDERPANTS SHOWED WHEN YOU DID A CARTWHEEL? I MEAN, I KNOW THEY MATCHED YOUR

WHEN YOU DID A CARTWHEEL? I MEAN, I KNOW THEY MATCHED YOUR CHEERLEADING SKIRT AND ALL THAT,

I MEAN, I KNOW THEY MATCHED YOUR CHEERLEADING SKIRT AND ALL THAT, BUT YOU MUST HAVE BEEN

CHEERLEADING SKIRT AND ALL THAT, BUT YOU MUST HAVE BEEN EMBARRASSED FROM TIME TO TIME.

BUT YOU MUST HAVE BEEN EMBARRASSED FROM TIME TO TIME. OR MAYBE YOU SORT OF LIKED IT.

EMBARRASSED FROM TIME TO TIME. OR MAYBE YOU SORT OF LIKED IT. YEAH, YOU SORT OF LIKED IT.

OR MAYBE YOU SORT OF LIKED IT. YEAH, YOU SORT OF LIKED IT. I GUESS THAT'S IT.

YEAH, YOU SORT OF LIKED IT. I GUESS THAT'S IT. YOU SORT OF LIKED IT.

I GUESS THAT'S IT. YOU SORT OF LIKED IT. [LAUGHS]

YOU SORT OF LIKED IT. [LAUGHS] I REALLY DIDN'T...

[LAUGHS] I REALLY DIDN'T... THAT'S SOMETHING, YOU KNOW,

I REALLY DIDN'T... THAT'S SOMETHING, YOU KNOW, AFTER 10 WHOLE YEARS, FINDING

THAT'S SOMETHING, YOU KNOW, AFTER 10 WHOLE YEARS, FINDING OUT THE CAPTAIN OF THE

AFTER 10 WHOLE YEARS, FINDING OUT THE CAPTAIN OF THE HIGH-SCHOOL CHEERLEADING TEAM

OUT THE CAPTAIN OF THE HIGH-SCHOOL CHEERLEADING TEAM REALLY LIKED HER UNDERPANTS

HIGH-SCHOOL CHEERLEADING TEAM REALLY LIKED HER UNDERPANTS SHOWING.

REALLY LIKED HER UNDERPANTS SHOWING. [LAUGHS]

SHOWING. [LAUGHS] THEY WERE SUPPOSED TO SHOW.

[LAUGHS] THEY WERE SUPPOSED TO SHOW. THEY MATCHED THE OUTFIT.

THEY WERE SUPPOSED TO SHOW. THEY MATCHED THE OUTFIT. THEY WERE SUPPOSED TO SHOW,

THEY MATCHED THE OUTFIT. THEY WERE SUPPOSED TO SHOW, OKAY?

THEY WERE SUPPOSED TO SHOW, OKAY? WELL, OKAY, OKAY,

OKAY? WELL, OKAY, OKAY, PATTY RIVERS!

WELL, OKAY, OKAY, PATTY RIVERS! I WISH YOU WOULDN'T SAY MY

PATTY RIVERS! I WISH YOU WOULDN'T SAY MY NAME SO MUCH.

I WISH YOU WOULDN'T SAY MY NAME SO MUCH. WELL, I LIKE SAYING IT.

NAME SO MUCH. WELL, I LIKE SAYING IT. IT REMINDS ME I'M TALKING TO

WELL, I LIKE SAYING IT. IT REMINDS ME I'M TALKING TO YOU... I, RALPH BORT,

IT REMINDS ME I'M TALKING TO YOU... I, RALPH BORT, "B.O." BORT, TALKING TO YOU,

YOU... I, RALPH BORT, "B.O." BORT, TALKING TO YOU, PATTY RIVERS!

"B.O." BORT, TALKING TO YOU, PATTY RIVERS! AND TO THINK IN HIGH SCHOOL, I

PATTY RIVERS! AND TO THINK IN HIGH SCHOOL, I WAS SCARED OF YOU, YOU KNOW.

AND TO THINK IN HIGH SCHOOL, I WAS SCARED OF YOU, YOU KNOW. I WAS SCARED OF YOU, BUT NOW

WAS SCARED OF YOU, YOU KNOW. I WAS SCARED OF YOU, BUT NOW WE'RE JUST REGULAR PEOPLE, JUST

I WAS SCARED OF YOU, BUT NOW WE'RE JUST REGULAR PEOPLE, JUST ADULTS, JUST YOU AND ME HERE.

WE'RE JUST REGULAR PEOPLE, JUST ADULTS, JUST YOU AND ME HERE. YEAH, YEAH.

ADULTS, JUST YOU AND ME HERE. YEAH, YEAH. [CHUCKLES]

YEAH, YEAH. [CHUCKLES] YOU STILL... YOU STILL DON'T

[CHUCKLES] YOU STILL... YOU STILL DON'T REMEMBER ME, DO YOU?

YOU STILL... YOU STILL DON'T REMEMBER ME, DO YOU? [LAUGHS]

REMEMBER ME, DO YOU? [LAUGHS] HERE... HERE'S A HINT.

[LAUGHS] HERE... HERE'S A HINT. [Nasal voice] TESTING, 1, 2,

HERE... HERE'S A HINT. [Nasal voice] TESTING, 1, 2, 3, TESTING, 1, 2, 3.

[Nasal voice] TESTING, 1, 2, 3, TESTING, 1, 2, 3. I GIVE UP.

3, TESTING, 1, 2, 3. I GIVE UP. [Normal voice] CAPTAIN OF

I GIVE UP. [Normal voice] CAPTAIN OF THE AUDIOVISUAL SQUAD.

[Normal voice] CAPTAIN OF THE AUDIOVISUAL SQUAD. SEVEN GUYS WHO REALLY GAVE A

THE AUDIOVISUAL SQUAD. SEVEN GUYS WHO REALLY GAVE A DAMN IF THE MIKES HAD FEEDBACK

SEVEN GUYS WHO REALLY GAVE A DAMN IF THE MIKES HAD FEEDBACK IN THE GYM.

DAMN IF THE MIKES HAD FEEDBACK IN THE GYM. AND IN THE AUDITORIUM.

IN THE GYM. AND IN THE AUDITORIUM. REALLY?

AND IN THE AUDITORIUM. REALLY? WE WERE THE BACKBONE OF THOSE

REALLY? WE WERE THE BACKBONE OF THOSE PEP RALLIES.

WE WERE THE BACKBONE OF THOSE PEP RALLIES. YOU WERE THE UNDERPANTS!

PEP RALLIES. YOU WERE THE UNDERPANTS! [CHUCKLES]

YOU WERE THE UNDERPANTS! [CHUCKLES] LISTEN, I... I REALLY HAVE TO

[CHUCKLES] LISTEN, I... I REALLY HAVE TO GET BACK.

LISTEN, I... I REALLY HAVE TO GET BACK. MY LUNCH HOUR IS OVER.

GET BACK. MY LUNCH HOUR IS OVER. RELAX, I'M TIGHT WITH THE CROWD

MY LUNCH HOUR IS OVER. RELAX, I'M TIGHT WITH THE CROWD AT FANNIE FARMER.

RELAX, I'M TIGHT WITH THE CROWD AT FANNIE FARMER. I'LL VOUCH FOR YOU.

AT FANNIE FARMER. I'LL VOUCH FOR YOU. WELL, OKAY.

I'LL VOUCH FOR YOU. WELL, OKAY. AFTER ALL, HOW MANY REUNIONS

WELL, OKAY. AFTER ALL, HOW MANY REUNIONS DO YOU HAVE IN YOUR LIFETIME?

AFTER ALL, HOW MANY REUNIONS DO YOU HAVE IN YOUR LIFETIME? 5, 10, 15, 20, 25, 30, 40?

DO YOU HAVE IN YOUR LIFETIME? 5, 10, 15, 20, 25, 30, 40? I DON'T KNOW.

5, 10, 15, 20, 25, 30, 40? I DON'T KNOW. RUNNING INTO EACH OTHER AT

I DON'T KNOW. RUNNING INTO EACH OTHER AT THE LUNCH COUNTER AT

RUNNING INTO EACH OTHER AT THE LUNCH COUNTER AT WOOLWORTHS.

THE LUNCH COUNTER AT WOOLWORTHS. CAN YOU IMAGINE WHAT MIGHT NOT

WOOLWORTHS. CAN YOU IMAGINE WHAT MIGHT NOT HAVE HAPPENED IF I DIDN'T ASK

CAN YOU IMAGINE WHAT MIGHT NOT HAVE HAPPENED IF I DIDN'T ASK YOU FOR THE SALT?

HAVE HAPPENED IF I DIDN'T ASK YOU FOR THE SALT? I'M DUE BACK AT 1:00.

YOU FOR THE SALT? I'M DUE BACK AT 1:00. FIVE MINUTES!

I'M DUE BACK AT 1:00. FIVE MINUTES! YOU CAN TALK FIVE MINUTES ABOUT

FIVE MINUTES! YOU CAN TALK FIVE MINUTES ABOUT OLD TIMES!

YOU CAN TALK FIVE MINUTES ABOUT OLD TIMES! HIGH SCHOOL.

OLD TIMES! HIGH SCHOOL. WE DIDN'T HAVE ANY OLD TIMES.

HIGH SCHOOL. WE DIDN'T HAVE ANY OLD TIMES. WE WENT TO THE SAME HIGH

WE DIDN'T HAVE ANY OLD TIMES. WE WENT TO THE SAME HIGH SCHOOL, DIDN'T WE?

WE WENT TO THE SAME HIGH SCHOOL, DIDN'T WE? WE WENT TO THE SAME LOCKERS.

SCHOOL, DIDN'T WE? WE WENT TO THE SAME LOCKERS. YOU KNOW, I FORGOT TO TELL YOU

WE WENT TO THE SAME LOCKERS. YOU KNOW, I FORGOT TO TELL YOU THIS.

YOU KNOW, I FORGOT TO TELL YOU THIS. I HAD YOUR OLD JUNIOR-YEAR

THIS. I HAD YOUR OLD JUNIOR-YEAR LOCKER IN MY SENIOR YEAR 'CAUSE

I HAD YOUR OLD JUNIOR-YEAR LOCKER IN MY SENIOR YEAR 'CAUSE I FOUND THIS PIECE OF CREPE

LOCKER IN MY SENIOR YEAR 'CAUSE I FOUND THIS PIECE OF CREPE PAPER, YOU KNOW, FROM ONE OF

I FOUND THIS PIECE OF CREPE PAPER, YOU KNOW, FROM ONE OF YOUR POMPONS, YOU KNOW, AND I

PAPER, YOU KNOW, FROM ONE OF YOUR POMPONS, YOU KNOW, AND I SAVED IT.

YOUR POMPONS, YOU KNOW, AND I SAVED IT. WHY?

SAVED IT. WHY? IT WAS SOMETHING TO SAVE,

WHY? IT WAS SOMETHING TO SAVE, SOMETHING TO KEEP, A MEMORY,

IT WAS SOMETHING TO SAVE, SOMETHING TO KEEP, A MEMORY, A SOUVENIR!

SOMETHING TO KEEP, A MEMORY, A SOUVENIR! I COULDN'T TAKE HOME ANY

A SOUVENIR! I COULDN'T TAKE HOME ANY MICROPHONES.

I COULDN'T TAKE HOME ANY MICROPHONES. I COULDN'T TAKE HOME THOSE

MICROPHONES. I COULDN'T TAKE HOME THOSE FILMSTRIPS ON, UH, GUATEMALA...

I COULDN'T TAKE HOME THOSE FILMSTRIPS ON, UH, GUATEMALA... IMPORTS, EXPORTS, BUSHELS OF

FILMSTRIPS ON, UH, GUATEMALA... IMPORTS, EXPORTS, BUSHELS OF WHEAT.

IMPORTS, EXPORTS, BUSHELS OF WHEAT. [Deep voice] GUATEMALA, YOUR

WHEAT. [Deep voice] GUATEMALA, YOUR DOWNSTAIRS NEIGHBOR.

[Deep voice] GUATEMALA, YOUR DOWNSTAIRS NEIGHBOR. [Normal voice] REMEMBER THAT?

DOWNSTAIRS NEIGHBOR. [Normal voice] REMEMBER THAT? I SHOWED THAT FILMSTRIP ABOUT

[Normal voice] REMEMBER THAT? I SHOWED THAT FILMSTRIP ABOUT 50 TIMES IN 4 YEARS.

I SHOWED THAT FILMSTRIP ABOUT 50 TIMES IN 4 YEARS. GUATEMALA, GUATEMALANS.

50 TIMES IN 4 YEARS. GUATEMALA, GUATEMALANS. WHO CARES?

GUATEMALA, GUATEMALANS. WHO CARES? YOU DIDN'T HAVE THAT PROBLEM,

WHO CARES? YOU DIDN'T HAVE THAT PROBLEM, THOUGH.

YOU DIDN'T HAVE THAT PROBLEM, THOUGH. YOU PROBABLY HAD LOTS OF

THOUGH. YOU PROBABLY HAD LOTS OF SOUVENIRS.

YOU PROBABLY HAD LOTS OF SOUVENIRS. YOU PROBABLY TOOK A LOT HOME,

SOUVENIRS. YOU PROBABLY TOOK A LOT HOME, DIDN'T YOU?

YOU PROBABLY TOOK A LOT HOME, DIDN'T YOU? YES, I DID.

DIDN'T YOU? YES, I DID. WELL, LIKE WHAT?

YES, I DID. WELL, LIKE WHAT? MY POMPONS, MY CHEERLEADING

WELL, LIKE WHAT? MY POMPONS, MY CHEERLEADING LETTER, MY HOMECOMING CROWN...

MY POMPONS, MY CHEERLEADING LETTER, MY HOMECOMING CROWN... I WENT TO A HOMECOMING...

LETTER, MY HOMECOMING CROWN... I WENT TO A HOMECOMING... AFTER I WAS IN NAM.

I WENT TO A HOMECOMING... AFTER I WAS IN NAM. I WAS IN NAM.

AFTER I WAS IN NAM. I WAS IN NAM. KNOW WHAT I DID THERE?

I WAS IN NAM. KNOW WHAT I DID THERE? WHAT?

KNOW WHAT I DID THERE? WHAT? WOULD YOU BELIEVE... FIGHT?!

WHAT? WOULD YOU BELIEVE... FIGHT?! YOU KNOW WHY I SAID THAT?

WOULD YOU BELIEVE... FIGHT?! YOU KNOW WHY I SAID THAT? I WANTED YOU TO ASK ME THAT SO

YOU KNOW WHY I SAID THAT? I WANTED YOU TO ASK ME THAT SO I COULD SAY, "WOULD YOU

I WANTED YOU TO ASK ME THAT SO I COULD SAY, "WOULD YOU BELIEVE...?"

I COULD SAY, "WOULD YOU BELIEVE...?" REMEMBER, I STARTED THAT IN OUR

BELIEVE...?" REMEMBER, I STARTED THAT IN OUR HIGH SCHOOL.

REMEMBER, I STARTED THAT IN OUR HIGH SCHOOL. I WAS THE ONE WHO SAID, "WOULD

HIGH SCHOOL. I WAS THE ONE WHO SAID, "WOULD YOU BELIEVE," FIRST.

I WAS THE ONE WHO SAID, "WOULD YOU BELIEVE," FIRST. I STARTED "WOULD YOU

YOU BELIEVE," FIRST. I STARTED "WOULD YOU BELIEVE...?"

I STARTED "WOULD YOU BELIEVE...?" IT WAS ALL OVER THE COUNTRY, BUT

BELIEVE...?" IT WAS ALL OVER THE COUNTRY, BUT I STARTED IT IN OUR HIGH SCHOOL.

IT WAS ALL OVER THE COUNTRY, BUT I STARTED IT IN OUR HIGH SCHOOL. I STARTED "WOULD YOU

I STARTED IT IN OUR HIGH SCHOOL. I STARTED "WOULD YOU BELIEVE...?"

I STARTED "WOULD YOU BELIEVE...?" I STARTED THAT.

BELIEVE...?" I STARTED THAT. THOSE WORDS WOULD HAVE NEVER

I STARTED THAT. THOSE WORDS WOULD HAVE NEVER COME OUT OF YOUR MOUTH IF I

THOSE WORDS WOULD HAVE NEVER COME OUT OF YOUR MOUTH IF I DIDN'T SAY, "WOULD YOU

COME OUT OF YOUR MOUTH IF I DIDN'T SAY, "WOULD YOU BELIEVE...?"

DIDN'T SAY, "WOULD YOU BELIEVE...?" THAT REALLY GETS ME SOMETIMES

BELIEVE...?" THAT REALLY GETS ME SOMETIMES THAT I STARTED THAT, YOU KNOW.

THAT REALLY GETS ME SOMETIMES THAT I STARTED THAT, YOU KNOW. I STARTED, "WOULD YOU

THAT I STARTED THAT, YOU KNOW. I STARTED, "WOULD YOU BELIEVE...?"

I STARTED, "WOULD YOU BELIEVE...?" AND THOSE WORDS WOULD HAVE NEVER

BELIEVE...?" AND THOSE WORDS WOULD HAVE NEVER COME OUT OF YOUR MOUTH, IF I

AND THOSE WORDS WOULD HAVE NEVER COME OUT OF YOUR MOUTH, IF I DIDN'T START THAT.

COME OUT OF YOUR MOUTH, IF I DIDN'T START THAT. DAMN.

DIDN'T START THAT. DAMN. [LAUGHING]

DAMN. [LAUGHING] NAM... I WAS IN NAM.

[LAUGHING] NAM... I WAS IN NAM. KNOW WHAT I DID IN NAM?

NAM... I WAS IN NAM. KNOW WHAT I DID IN NAM? I RAN THE MOVIE PROJECTOR.

KNOW WHAT I DID IN NAM? I RAN THE MOVIE PROJECTOR. I SHOWED "BLUE HAWAII,"

I RAN THE MOVIE PROJECTOR. I SHOWED "BLUE HAWAII," "TRUE GRIT" ALL THOSE MOVIES,

I SHOWED "BLUE HAWAII," "TRUE GRIT" ALL THOSE MOVIES, YOU KNOW.

"TRUE GRIT" ALL THOSE MOVIES, YOU KNOW. WHAT ABOUT YOU?

YOU KNOW. WHAT ABOUT YOU? WHAT ABOUT ME?

WHAT ABOUT YOU? WHAT ABOUT ME? YEAH, WHAT HAVE YOU DONE

WHAT ABOUT ME? YEAH, WHAT HAVE YOU DONE SINCE HIGH SCHOOL?

YEAH, WHAT HAVE YOU DONE SINCE HIGH SCHOOL? I WANT TO KNOW.

SINCE HIGH SCHOOL? I WANT TO KNOW. I'M INTERESTED.

I WANT TO KNOW. I'M INTERESTED. WELL, I WENT TO COLLEGE.

I'M INTERESTED. WELL, I WENT TO COLLEGE. I GOT MARRIED.

WELL, I WENT TO COLLEGE. I GOT MARRIED. I GOT DIVORCED.

I GOT MARRIED. I GOT DIVORCED. YEAH, I HEARD ABOUT THAT.

I GOT DIVORCED. YEAH, I HEARD ABOUT THAT. GETTING DIVORCED... I HEARD

YEAH, I HEARD ABOUT THAT. GETTING DIVORCED... I HEARD ABOUT THAT.

GETTING DIVORCED... I HEARD ABOUT THAT. MY MOM SENT ME SOMETHING OVER

ABOUT THAT. MY MOM SENT ME SOMETHING OVER IN NAM, A LITTLE ITEM IN THE

MY MOM SENT ME SOMETHING OVER IN NAM, A LITTLE ITEM IN THE NEWSPAPER, YOU KNOW.

IN NAM, A LITTLE ITEM IN THE NEWSPAPER, YOU KNOW. WELL, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.

NEWSPAPER, YOU KNOW. WELL, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT. I MEAN, THEY WEREN'T TALKING

WELL, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT. I MEAN, THEY WEREN'T TALKING ABOUT IT IN NAM, YOU KNOW.

I MEAN, THEY WEREN'T TALKING ABOUT IT IN NAM, YOU KNOW. THEY HAD OTHER THINGS TO WORRY

ABOUT IT IN NAM, YOU KNOW. THEY HAD OTHER THINGS TO WORRY ABOUT.

THEY HAD OTHER THINGS TO WORRY ABOUT. WELL, THAT'S IT FOR ME.

ABOUT. WELL, THAT'S IT FOR ME. I WENT TO COMMUNITY COLLEGE

WELL, THAT'S IT FOR ME. I WENT TO COMMUNITY COLLEGE FOR TWO YEARS.

I WENT TO COMMUNITY COLLEGE FOR TWO YEARS. I STARTED THE A.V. SQUAD THERE.

FOR TWO YEARS. I STARTED THE A.V. SQUAD THERE. IT WAS SORT OF MY BRAINCHILD.

I STARTED THE A.V. SQUAD THERE. IT WAS SORT OF MY BRAINCHILD. "BRAINCHILD"... THERE'S A WORD

IT WAS SORT OF MY BRAINCHILD. "BRAINCHILD"... THERE'S A WORD I NEVER USED IN HIGH SCHOOL.

"BRAINCHILD"... THERE'S A WORD I NEVER USED IN HIGH SCHOOL. YOU KNOW, SOME PEOPLE USED THAT

I NEVER USED IN HIGH SCHOOL. YOU KNOW, SOME PEOPLE USED THAT WORD.

YOU KNOW, SOME PEOPLE USED THAT WORD. I NEVER USED THAT WORD.

WORD. I NEVER USED THAT WORD. ONLY WHEN I STARTED, UH, YOU

I NEVER USED THAT WORD. ONLY WHEN I STARTED, UH, YOU KNOW, MANAGING THE TIRE

ONLY WHEN I STARTED, UH, YOU KNOW, MANAGING THE TIRE DEPARTMENT OVER AT SEARS, I

KNOW, MANAGING THE TIRE DEPARTMENT OVER AT SEARS, I STARTED USING "BRAINCHILD."

DEPARTMENT OVER AT SEARS, I STARTED USING "BRAINCHILD." I GOT THE JOB... TIRE MANAGER

STARTED USING "BRAINCHILD." I GOT THE JOB... TIRE MANAGER OVER THERE.

I GOT THE JOB... TIRE MANAGER OVER THERE. IT'S TERRIFIC.

OVER THERE. IT'S TERRIFIC. I WORK 9:00 TO 5:00, 5 DAYS A

IT'S TERRIFIC. I WORK 9:00 TO 5:00, 5 DAYS A WEEK.

I WORK 9:00 TO 5:00, 5 DAYS A WEEK. I NEVER THOUGHT I COULD GET

WEEK. I NEVER THOUGHT I COULD GET INTO IT, BUT I DO IT, YOU KNOW.

I NEVER THOUGHT I COULD GET INTO IT, BUT I DO IT, YOU KNOW. I PLAY A LOT OF POKER ON

INTO IT, BUT I DO IT, YOU KNOW. I PLAY A LOT OF POKER ON WEEKENDS, THOUGH.

I PLAY A LOT OF POKER ON WEEKENDS, THOUGH. A LOT OF POKER.

WEEKENDS, THOUGH. A LOT OF POKER. MAYBE TOO MUCH POKER, YOU KNOW.

A LOT OF POKER. MAYBE TOO MUCH POKER, YOU KNOW. BUT I'M REAL BUSY.

MAYBE TOO MUCH POKER, YOU KNOW. BUT I'M REAL BUSY. LOOK, IT'S BEEN REALLY NICE,

BUT I'M REAL BUSY. LOOK, IT'S BEEN REALLY NICE, BUT I HAVE TO...

LOOK, IT'S BEEN REALLY NICE, BUT I HAVE TO... HEY, YOU SMOKE CIGARETTES!

BUT I HAVE TO... HEY, YOU SMOKE CIGARETTES! WHAT KIND?

HEY, YOU SMOKE CIGARETTES! WHAT KIND? MENTHOL.

WHAT KIND? MENTHOL. I SMOKE MENTHOL 100s.

MENTHOL. I SMOKE MENTHOL 100s. I LOVE 'EM.

I SMOKE MENTHOL 100s. I LOVE 'EM. I LIKE THE TASTE.

I LOVE 'EM. I LIKE THE TASTE. I LIKE MENTHOL.

I LIKE THE TASTE. I LIKE MENTHOL. ISN'T THAT SOMETHING?

I LIKE MENTHOL. ISN'T THAT SOMETHING? WHO EVER THOUGHT WE WERE GONNA

ISN'T THAT SOMETHING? WHO EVER THOUGHT WE WERE GONNA GROW UP LIKE THIS, AND I'D BE

WHO EVER THOUGHT WE WERE GONNA GROW UP LIKE THIS, AND I'D BE SITTING NEXT TO YOU, AND YOU

GROW UP LIKE THIS, AND I'D BE SITTING NEXT TO YOU, AND YOU SMOKING CIGARETTES?

SITTING NEXT TO YOU, AND YOU SMOKING CIGARETTES? IT'S AMAZING.

SMOKING CIGARETTES? IT'S AMAZING. IT'S JUST AMAZING.

IT'S AMAZING. IT'S JUST AMAZING. WHAT KIND OF CAR DO YOU DRIVE?

IT'S JUST AMAZING. WHAT KIND OF CAR DO YOU DRIVE? I'VE GOT A CHEVY NOVA.

WHAT KIND OF CAR DO YOU DRIVE? I'VE GOT A CHEVY NOVA. YOU KNOW, A TACHOMETER.

I'VE GOT A CHEVY NOVA. YOU KNOW, A TACHOMETER. I'VE GOT RALLY STRIPES, BABY

YOU KNOW, A TACHOMETER. I'VE GOT RALLY STRIPES, BABY MOON.

I'VE GOT RALLY STRIPES, BABY MOON. I'VE GOT A CB RADIO, A TAPE

MOON. I'VE GOT A CB RADIO, A TAPE DECK.

I'VE GOT A CB RADIO, A TAPE DECK. I'VE GOT ALL OF THAT IN THERE.

DECK. I'VE GOT ALL OF THAT IN THERE. I'VE GOT FACTORY

I'VE GOT ALL OF THAT IN THERE. I'VE GOT FACTORY AIR-CONDITIONING, TOO, YOU KNOW.

I'VE GOT FACTORY AIR-CONDITIONING, TOO, YOU KNOW. I WOULDN'T TAKE IT WITHOUT THE

AIR-CONDITIONING, TOO, YOU KNOW. I WOULDN'T TAKE IT WITHOUT THE AIR.

I WOULDN'T TAKE IT WITHOUT THE AIR. WHAT KIND OF CAR DO YOU DRIVE?

AIR. WHAT KIND OF CAR DO YOU DRIVE? TOYOTA.

WHAT KIND OF CAR DO YOU DRIVE? TOYOTA. OH, YOU WORRY ABOUT

TOYOTA. OH, YOU WORRY ABOUT POLLUTION, HUH?

OH, YOU WORRY ABOUT POLLUTION, HUH? WELL, I...

POLLUTION, HUH? WELL, I... I DO, TOO, YOU KNOW.

WELL, I... I DO, TOO, YOU KNOW. I WORRY ABOUT POLLUTION, TOO.

I DO, TOO, YOU KNOW. I WORRY ABOUT POLLUTION, TOO. BUT I'M PRETTY BUSY, YOU KNOW.

I WORRY ABOUT POLLUTION, TOO. BUT I'M PRETTY BUSY, YOU KNOW. WHEN I'M NOT PLAYING POKER OR

BUT I'M PRETTY BUSY, YOU KNOW. WHEN I'M NOT PLAYING POKER OR MANAGING THE TIRE DEPARTMENT

WHEN I'M NOT PLAYING POKER OR MANAGING THE TIRE DEPARTMENT OVER THERE, YOU KNOW, I WORRY

MANAGING THE TIRE DEPARTMENT OVER THERE, YOU KNOW, I WORRY ABOUT POLLUTION.

OVER THERE, YOU KNOW, I WORRY ABOUT POLLUTION. ACTUALLY, IT'S NOT WHAT YOU

ABOUT POLLUTION. ACTUALLY, IT'S NOT WHAT YOU WOULD CALL, REALLY, LIKE,

ACTUALLY, IT'S NOT WHAT YOU WOULD CALL, REALLY, LIKE, WORRYING, YOU KNOW.

WOULD CALL, REALLY, LIKE, WORRYING, YOU KNOW. IT'S LIKE... IT'S LIKE...

WORRYING, YOU KNOW. IT'S LIKE... IT'S LIKE... IT'S LIKE WHAT YOU WOULD CALL,

IT'S LIKE... IT'S LIKE... IT'S LIKE WHAT YOU WOULD CALL, LIKE, THINKING ABOUT POLLUTION.

IT'S LIKE WHAT YOU WOULD CALL, LIKE, THINKING ABOUT POLLUTION. YEAH.

LIKE, THINKING ABOUT POLLUTION. YEAH. YEAH, THAT'S IT.

YEAH. YEAH, THAT'S IT. IT'S WHAT YOU WOULD CALL

YEAH, THAT'S IT. IT'S WHAT YOU WOULD CALL THINKING ABOUT POLLUTION.

IT'S WHAT YOU WOULD CALL THINKING ABOUT POLLUTION. LOOK, I'VE REALLY GOT TO GO.

THINKING ABOUT POLLUTION. LOOK, I'VE REALLY GOT TO GO. ISN'T THIS SOMETHING, THOUGH?

LOOK, I'VE REALLY GOT TO GO. ISN'T THIS SOMETHING, THOUGH? BOTH OF US ARE ADULTS.

ISN'T THIS SOMETHING, THOUGH? BOTH OF US ARE ADULTS. BOTH OF US ADULTS, HERE, EQUALS,

BOTH OF US ARE ADULTS. BOTH OF US ADULTS, HERE, EQUALS, YOU KNOW.

BOTH OF US ADULTS, HERE, EQUALS, YOU KNOW. IT'S NOT LIKE HIGH SCHOOL.

YOU KNOW. IT'S NOT LIKE HIGH SCHOOL. IN HIGH SCHOOL, THERE WERE ALL

IT'S NOT LIKE HIGH SCHOOL. IN HIGH SCHOOL, THERE WERE ALL THOSE LEVELS, YOU KNOW, GROUPS.

IN HIGH SCHOOL, THERE WERE ALL THOSE LEVELS, YOU KNOW, GROUPS. SOME PEOPLE WERE NOTHING.

THOSE LEVELS, YOU KNOW, GROUPS. SOME PEOPLE WERE NOTHING. SOME PEOPLE WERE SOMETHING,

SOME PEOPLE WERE NOTHING. SOME PEOPLE WERE SOMETHING, RIGHT UP TO THE BIG SHOTS.

SOME PEOPLE WERE SOMETHING, RIGHT UP TO THE BIG SHOTS. BUT IN LIFE, IT ALL EVENS OUT!

RIGHT UP TO THE BIG SHOTS. BUT IN LIFE, IT ALL EVENS OUT! WE'RE ADULTS!

BUT IN LIFE, IT ALL EVENS OUT! WE'RE ADULTS! WE'VE BOTH LIVED, DONE THINGS,

WE'RE ADULTS! WE'VE BOTH LIVED, DONE THINGS, YOU KNOW.

WE'VE BOTH LIVED, DONE THINGS, YOU KNOW. YOU'VE LIVED.

YOU KNOW. YOU'VE LIVED. I'VE LIVED, YOU KNOW.

YOU'VE LIVED. I'VE LIVED, YOU KNOW. YOU WERE MARRIED, DIVORCED.

I'VE LIVED, YOU KNOW. YOU WERE MARRIED, DIVORCED. I WAS IN NAM.

YOU WERE MARRIED, DIVORCED. I WAS IN NAM. YOU KNOW, HERE YOU ARE SMOKING

I WAS IN NAM. YOU KNOW, HERE YOU ARE SMOKING CIGARETTES, YOU KNOW.

YOU KNOW, HERE YOU ARE SMOKING CIGARETTES, YOU KNOW. YOU, IN HIGH SCHOOL WITH YOUR

CIGARETTES, YOU KNOW. YOU, IN HIGH SCHOOL WITH YOUR UNDERPANTS SHOWING.

YOU, IN HIGH SCHOOL WITH YOUR UNDERPANTS SHOWING. ME, WATCHING.

UNDERPANTS SHOWING. ME, WATCHING. THINGS ARE DIFFERENT!

ME, WATCHING. THINGS ARE DIFFERENT! THINGS ARE REALLY DIFFERENT NOW!

THINGS ARE DIFFERENT! THINGS ARE REALLY DIFFERENT NOW! I COULD EVEN ASK YOU OUT NOW,

THINGS ARE REALLY DIFFERENT NOW! I COULD EVEN ASK YOU OUT NOW, COULDN'T I?

I COULD EVEN ASK YOU OUT NOW, COULDN'T I? NO.

COULDN'T I? NO. HEY.

NO. HEY. HEY, I'LL CALL THEM AT

HEY. HEY, I'LL CALL THEM AT FANNIE FARMER.

HEY, I'LL CALL THEM AT FANNIE FARMER. I'LL EXPLAIN TO THEM THAT YOU'RE

FANNIE FARMER. I'LL EXPLAIN TO THEM THAT YOU'RE GONNA BE LATE.

I'LL EXPLAIN TO THEM THAT YOU'RE GONNA BE LATE. I... I KNOW THEM THERE, AT

GONNA BE LATE. I... I KNOW THEM THERE, AT FANNIE FARMER.

I... I KNOW THEM THERE, AT FANNIE FARMER. I KNOW THEM.

FANNIE FARMER. I KNOW THEM. [CHUCKLES]

AND NOW THIS WEEK'S HOME MOVIE. [APPLAUSE]

MOVIE. [APPLAUSE] HEY, KIDS, IT'S TIME FOR

[APPLAUSE] HEY, KIDS, IT'S TIME FOR "THE MR. BILL SHOW."

HEY, KIDS, IT'S TIME FOR "THE MR. BILL SHOW." HELLO, KIDDIES.

"THE MR. BILL SHOW." HELLO, KIDDIES. OH, IT'S SO GOOD TO SEE ALL YOU

HELLO, KIDDIES. OH, IT'S SO GOOD TO SEE ALL YOU BRIGHT FACES OUT...

OH, IT'S SO GOOD TO SEE ALL YOU BRIGHT FACES OUT... AND HERE'S MY FRIEND.

BRIGHT FACES OUT... AND HERE'S MY FRIEND. HE HELPS...

AND HERE'S MY FRIEND. HE HELPS... HIS NAME IS MR. HANDS.

HE HELPS... HIS NAME IS MR. HANDS. HEY, MR. BILL.

HIS NAME IS MR. HANDS. HEY, MR. BILL. GUESS WHO'S COMING TO SEE YOU.

HEY, MR. BILL. GUESS WHO'S COMING TO SEE YOU. WHO'S THAT?

GUESS WHO'S COMING TO SEE YOU. WHO'S THAT? ♪ HERE COMES MR. BILL'S DOG ♪

WHO'S THAT? ♪ HERE COMES MR. BILL'S DOG ♪ OH, SPOT, OH!

♪ HERE COMES MR. BILL'S DOG ♪ OH, SPOT, OH! COME OVER AND LET ME PET YOU.

OH, SPOT, OH! COME OVER AND LET ME PET YOU. SPOT HAS TO GO NOW.

COME OVER AND LET ME PET YOU. SPOT HAS TO GO NOW. WAIT, WAIT!

SPOT HAS TO GO NOW. WAIT, WAIT! WHAT HAPPENED?!

WAIT, WAIT! WHAT HAPPENED?! WAIT, WAIT, WAIT!

WHAT HAPPENED?! WAIT, WAIT, WAIT! OH, N-O-O-O-O-O-O-O!

WAIT, WAIT, WAIT! OH, N-O-O-O-O-O-O-O! OH, WHERE DID HE GO?

OH, N-O-O-O-O-O-O-O! OH, WHERE DID HE GO? WHERE DID HE GO?

OH, WHERE DID HE GO? WHERE DID HE GO? HE WENT WHERE GOOD DOGS NEVER

WHERE DID HE GO? HE WENT WHERE GOOD DOGS NEVER GO, MR. BILL.

HE WENT WHERE GOOD DOGS NEVER GO, MR. BILL. SAY, YOU KNOW, BEFORE WE GO OUT

GO, MR. BILL. SAY, YOU KNOW, BEFORE WE GO OUT AND PLAY, ALL YOUNGSTERS NEED

SAY, YOU KNOW, BEFORE WE GO OUT AND PLAY, ALL YOUNGSTERS NEED EXERCISE.

AND PLAY, ALL YOUNGSTERS NEED EXERCISE. WAIT, I DON'T DO THAT WELL.

EXERCISE. WAIT, I DON'T DO THAT WELL. THAT'S STRONG.

WAIT, I DON'T DO THAT WELL. THAT'S STRONG. OH, N-O-O-O-O-O-O-O!

THAT'S STRONG. OH, N-O-O-O-O-O-O-O! OH, NO!

OH, N-O-O-O-O-O-O-O! OH, NO! SAY, THAT'S A NASTY SCRATCH,

OH, NO! SAY, THAT'S A NASTY SCRATCH, MR. BILL.

SAY, THAT'S A NASTY SCRATCH, MR. BILL. WE BETTER LET THE FAMILY

MR. BILL. WE BETTER LET THE FAMILY PHYSICIAN TAKE A LOOK.

WE BETTER LET THE FAMILY PHYSICIAN TAKE A LOOK. WHO'S THAT?

PHYSICIAN TAKE A LOOK. WHO'S THAT? IT'S DR. SLUGGO.

WHO'S THAT? IT'S DR. SLUGGO. OH, NO.

IT'S DR. SLUGGO. OH, NO. HE HURTS ME ALL THE TIME.

OH, NO. HE HURTS ME ALL THE TIME. NO, DON'T LET HIM HURT ME.

HE HURTS ME ALL THE TIME. NO, DON'T LET HIM HURT ME. HE RECOMMENDS ACUPUNCTURE.

NO, DON'T LET HIM HURT ME. HE RECOMMENDS ACUPUNCTURE. NO, NOT THAT!

HE RECOMMENDS ACUPUNCTURE. NO, NOT THAT! WAIT, WAIT, OH!

NO, NOT THAT! WAIT, WAIT, OH! OH, N-O-O-O-O-O-O-O!

WAIT, WAIT, OH! OH, N-O-O-O-O-O-O-O! SAY, MR. BILL, DR. SLUGGO

OH, N-O-O-O-O-O-O-O! SAY, MR. BILL, DR. SLUGGO SAYS THAT ARM WILL BE AS GOOD AS

SAY, MR. BILL, DR. SLUGGO SAYS THAT ARM WILL BE AS GOOD AS NEW IN NO TIME.

SAYS THAT ARM WILL BE AS GOOD AS NEW IN NO TIME. OH, WHY, WHY?

NEW IN NO TIME. OH, WHY, WHY? SAY, MR. BILL, WE'RE GOING TO

OH, WHY, WHY? SAY, MR. BILL, WE'RE GOING TO A PARTY LATER, SO WE BETTER GET

SAY, MR. BILL, WE'RE GOING TO A PARTY LATER, SO WE BETTER GET CLEANED UP.

A PARTY LATER, SO WE BETTER GET CLEANED UP. LET'S WASH YOUR FACE WITH SOME

CLEANED UP. LET'S WASH YOUR FACE WITH SOME WATER.

LET'S WASH YOUR FACE WITH SOME WATER. THAT'S NOT WATER!

WATER. THAT'S NOT WATER! OH, N-O-O-O-O-O-O-O!

THAT'S NOT WATER! OH, N-O-O-O-O-O-O-O! THAT'S WATER.

OH, N-O-O-O-O-O-O-O! THAT'S WATER. OH, NO.

THAT'S WATER. OH, NO. SAY, MR. BILL, WHILE WE'RE AT

OH, NO. SAY, MR. BILL, WHILE WE'RE AT THE PARTY, THEY'RE GONNA BE

SAY, MR. BILL, WHILE WE'RE AT THE PARTY, THEY'RE GONNA BE RECONSTRUCTING YOUR SET.

THE PARTY, THEY'RE GONNA BE RECONSTRUCTING YOUR SET. WHAT, WHAT'S THAT, MR. HAND?

RECONSTRUCTING YOUR SET. WHAT, WHAT'S THAT, MR. HAND? CONSTRUCTION, HO!

WHAT, WHAT'S THAT, MR. HAND? CONSTRUCTION, HO! OH!

CONSTRUCTION, HO! OH! WAIT, WAIT, WAIT!

OH! WAIT, WAIT, WAIT! WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA!

WAIT, WAIT, WAIT! WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA! WHOA, WHOA!

WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA! WHOA, WHOA! O-O-O-O-O-O-O-H!

WHOA, WHOA! O-O-O-O-O-O-O-H! OH, NO.

O-O-O-O-O-O-O-H! OH, NO. MR. BILL, WHERE ARE YOU?

OH, NO. MR. BILL, WHERE ARE YOU? OH, YOU'RE TAKING A NAP.

MR. BILL, WHERE ARE YOU? OH, YOU'RE TAKING A NAP. LET'S GO TO THE PARTY, MR. BILL.

OH, YOU'RE TAKING A NAP. LET'S GO TO THE PARTY, MR. BILL. I'LL RING THE BELL.

LET'S GO TO THE PARTY, MR. BILL. I'LL RING THE BELL. [DOORBELL RINGS]

I'LL RING THE BELL. [DOORBELL RINGS] I'LL SEE WHO THAT IS.

[DOORBELL RINGS] I'LL SEE WHO THAT IS. I WISH MR. BILL WOULD GET

I'LL SEE WHO THAT IS. I WISH MR. BILL WOULD GET HERE.

I WISH MR. BILL WOULD GET HERE. MAYBE WE CAN HAVE SOME FUN.

HERE. MAYBE WE CAN HAVE SOME FUN. HUH.

MAYBE WE CAN HAVE SOME FUN. HUH. WHO WAS IT?

HUH. WHO WAS IT? NOBODY THERE.

WHO WAS IT? NOBODY THERE. I WENT OUT THERE.

NOBODY THERE. I WENT OUT THERE. NOBODY AT THE DOOR.

Announcer: IF YOU HAVE A

SUPER-8 OR 16-MILLIMETER HOME

MOVIE APPROXIMATELY TWO MINUTES

IN LENGTH, SEND IT TO...

AND INCLUDE YOUR NAME AND

CURRENT ADDRESS.

THERE WILL BE NO MONETARY

COMPENSATION AT ALL.

[INTRO TO "TEN CENTS A DANCE" PLAYS] ♪ I WORK AT THE

[PLAYS] ♪ I WORK AT THE PALACE BALLROOM ♪

♪ I WORK AT THE PALACE BALLROOM ♪ ♪ BUT, GEE, THAT PALACE IS

PALACE BALLROOM ♪ ♪ BUT, GEE, THAT PALACE IS CHEAP ♪

♪ BUT, GEE, THAT PALACE IS CHEAP ♪ ♪ WHEN I GET HOME TO MY CHILLY

CHEAP ♪ ♪ WHEN I GET HOME TO MY CHILLY HALL ROOM ♪

♪ WHEN I GET HOME TO MY CHILLY HALL ROOM ♪ ♪ I'M MUCH TOO TIRED TO SLEEP ♪

HALL ROOM ♪ ♪ I'M MUCH TOO TIRED TO SLEEP ♪ ♪ I'M ONE OF THOSE DANCING

♪ I'M MUCH TOO TIRED TO SLEEP ♪ ♪ I'M ONE OF THOSE DANCING TEACHERS ♪

♪ I'M ONE OF THOSE DANCING TEACHERS ♪ ♪ A BEAUTIFUL HOSTESS, YOU

TEACHERS ♪ ♪ A BEAUTIFUL HOSTESS, YOU KNOW ♪

♪ A BEAUTIFUL HOSTESS, YOU KNOW ♪ ♪ ONE THAT THE PALACE FEATURES ♪

KNOW ♪ ♪ ONE THAT THE PALACE FEATURES ♪ ♪ AT EXACTLY A DIME A THROW ♪

♪ ONE THAT THE PALACE FEATURES ♪ ♪ AT EXACTLY A DIME A THROW ♪ ♪ 10 CENTS A DANCE ♪

♪ AT EXACTLY A DIME A THROW ♪ ♪ 10 CENTS A DANCE ♪ ♪ THAT'S WHAT THEY PAY ME ♪

♪ 10 CENTS A DANCE ♪ ♪ THAT'S WHAT THEY PAY ME ♪ ♪ GOSH, HOW THEY WEIGH ME DOWN ♪

♪ THAT'S WHAT THEY PAY ME ♪ ♪ GOSH, HOW THEY WEIGH ME DOWN ♪ ♪ 10 CENTS A DANCE ♪

♪ GOSH, HOW THEY WEIGH ME DOWN ♪ ♪ 10 CENTS A DANCE ♪ ♪ PANSIES AND ROUGH GUYS ♪

♪ 10 CENTS A DANCE ♪ ♪ PANSIES AND ROUGH GUYS ♪ ♪ TOUGH GUYS WHO TEAR MY GOWN ♪

♪ PANSIES AND ROUGH GUYS ♪ ♪ TOUGH GUYS WHO TEAR MY GOWN ♪ ♪ 7:00 TO MIDNIGHT ♪

♪ TOUGH GUYS WHO TEAR MY GOWN ♪ ♪ 7:00 TO MIDNIGHT ♪ ♪ I HEAR DRUMS ♪

♪ 7:00 TO MIDNIGHT ♪ ♪ I HEAR DRUMS ♪ ♪ LOUDLY THE SAXOPHONE BLOWS ♪

♪ I HEAR DRUMS ♪ ♪ LOUDLY THE SAXOPHONE BLOWS ♪ ♪ TRUMPETS ARE TEARING MY

♪ LOUDLY THE SAXOPHONE BLOWS ♪ ♪ TRUMPETS ARE TEARING MY EARDRUMS ♪

♪ TRUMPETS ARE TEARING MY EARDRUMS ♪ ♪ CUSTOMERS CRUSH MY TOES ♪

EARDRUMS ♪ ♪ CUSTOMERS CRUSH MY TOES ♪ ♪ SOMETIMES, I THINK ♪

♪ CUSTOMERS CRUSH MY TOES ♪ ♪ SOMETIMES, I THINK ♪ ♪ I'VE FOUND MY HERO ♪

♪ SOMETIMES, I THINK ♪ ♪ I'VE FOUND MY HERO ♪ ♪ BUT IT'S A QUEER ROMANCE ♪

♪ I'VE FOUND MY HERO ♪ ♪ BUT IT'S A QUEER ROMANCE ♪ ♪ ALL THAT IT TAKES IS A

♪ BUT IT'S A QUEER ROMANCE ♪ ♪ ALL THAT IT TAKES IS A TICKET ♪

♪ ALL THAT IT TAKES IS A TICKET ♪ ♪ COME ON, BIG BOY ♪

TICKET ♪ ♪ COME ON, BIG BOY ♪ ♪ ONLY 10 ♪

♪ COME ON, BIG BOY ♪ ♪ ONLY 10 ♪ ♪ CENTS ♪

♪ ONLY 10 ♪ ♪ CENTS ♪ ♪ A DANCE ♪

♪ CENTS ♪ ♪ A DANCE ♪ [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

10 CENTS A DANCE. 10 CENTS... SMALL CHANGE. SMALL CHANGE USED TO BE ABLE TO

10 CENTS... SMALL CHANGE. SMALL CHANGE USED TO BE ABLE TO BUY SOMETHING IN THIS COUNTRY.

SMALL CHANGE USED TO BE ABLE TO BUY SOMETHING IN THIS COUNTRY. PEOPLE FORGET THAT.

BUY SOMETHING IN THIS COUNTRY. PEOPLE FORGET THAT. BUT NOT THE FOLKS ON

PEOPLE FORGET THAT. BUT NOT THE FOLKS ON "SATURDAY NIGHT."

BUT NOT THE FOLKS ON "SATURDAY NIGHT." THAT'S WHY WE'VE TAKEN THIS

"SATURDAY NIGHT." THAT'S WHY WE'VE TAKEN THIS OPPORTUNITY TO PLAY HOMAGE TO

THAT'S WHY WE'VE TAKEN THIS OPPORTUNITY TO PLAY HOMAGE TO SMALL CHANGE WITH THIS, A

OPPORTUNITY TO PLAY HOMAGE TO SMALL CHANGE WITH THIS, A MUSICAL TRIBUTE TO AMERICAN

SMALL CHANGE WITH THIS, A MUSICAL TRIBUTE TO AMERICAN COINAGE.

MUSICAL TRIBUTE TO AMERICAN COINAGE. STARTING WITH MY PERSONAL

COINAGE. STARTING WITH MY PERSONAL FAVORITE, THE PENNY.

STARTING WITH MY PERSONAL FAVORITE, THE PENNY. ♪ EVERY TIME IT RAINS, IT RAINS

FAVORITE, THE PENNY. ♪ EVERY TIME IT RAINS, IT RAINS PENNIES FROM HEAVEN ♪

♪ EVERY TIME IT RAINS, IT RAINS PENNIES FROM HEAVEN ♪ ♪ DON'T YOU KNOW EACH CLOUD

PENNIES FROM HEAVEN ♪ ♪ DON'T YOU KNOW EACH CLOUD CONTAINS, YEAH, PENNIES FROM

♪ DON'T YOU KNOW EACH CLOUD CONTAINS, YEAH, PENNIES FROM HEAVEN? ♪

CONTAINS, YEAH, PENNIES FROM HEAVEN? ♪ ♪ YOU'LL FIND YOUR FORTUNE

HEAVEN? ♪ ♪ YOU'LL FIND YOUR FORTUNE FALLING ALL OVER TOWN ♪

♪ YOU'LL FIND YOUR FORTUNE FALLING ALL OVER TOWN ♪ ♪ CA-CHING, OH, OH ♪

FALLING ALL OVER TOWN ♪ ♪ CA-CHING, OH, OH ♪ ♪ BE SURE THAT YOUR UMBRELLA IS

♪ CA-CHING, OH, OH ♪ ♪ BE SURE THAT YOUR UMBRELLA IS UPSIDE DOWN ♪

♪ BE SURE THAT YOUR UMBRELLA IS UPSIDE DOWN ♪ MY MAIN MAN, CHEVY CHASE.

UPSIDE DOWN ♪ MY MAIN MAN, CHEVY CHASE. OKAY, THANK YOU, GARRETT.

MY MAIN MAN, CHEVY CHASE. OKAY, THANK YOU, GARRETT. WHAT ABOUT THAT WILD, WACKY...

OKAY, THANK YOU, GARRETT. WHAT ABOUT THAT WILD, WACKY... NICKEL, HUH?

WHAT ABOUT THAT WILD, WACKY... NICKEL, HUH? ♪ PUT ANOTHER NICKEL IN ♪

NICKEL, HUH? ♪ PUT ANOTHER NICKEL IN ♪ ♪ IN THE NICKELODEON ♪

♪ PUT ANOTHER NICKEL IN ♪ ♪ IN THE NICKELODEON ♪ ♪ ALL I WANT IS HAVING YOU AND

♪ IN THE NICKELODEON ♪ ♪ ALL I WANT IS HAVING YOU AND MUSIC ♪

♪ ALL I WANT IS HAVING YOU AND MUSIC ♪ ♪ I'D DO ANYTHING FOR YOU ♪

MUSIC ♪ ♪ I'D DO ANYTHING FOR YOU ♪ ♪ ANY... ♪

♪ I'D DO ANYTHING FOR YOU ♪ ♪ ANY... ♪ ♪ MUSIC ♪

♪ ANY... ♪ ♪ MUSIC ♪ [LAUGHTER]

♪ MUSIC ♪ [LAUGHTER] YOU KNOW...

[LAUGHTER] YOU KNOW... YOU KNOW...

YOU KNOW... YOU KNOW... IN EVERY TRIBUTE TO AMERICAN

YOU KNOW... IN EVERY TRIBUTE TO AMERICAN COINAGE... AND THERE HAVE BEEN A

IN EVERY TRIBUTE TO AMERICAN COINAGE... AND THERE HAVE BEEN A COUPLE.

COINAGE... AND THERE HAVE BEEN A COUPLE. THIS ISN'T THE FIRST.

COUPLE. THIS ISN'T THE FIRST. WE SHOULDN'T FORGET THE DIME.

THIS ISN'T THE FIRST. WE SHOULDN'T FORGET THE DIME. ♪ ONCE I BUILT A RAILROAD ♪

WE SHOULDN'T FORGET THE DIME. ♪ ONCE I BUILT A RAILROAD ♪ ♪ MADE IT RUN ♪

♪ ONCE I BUILT A RAILROAD ♪ ♪ MADE IT RUN ♪ ♪ MADE IT RACE AGAINST TIME ♪

♪ MADE IT RUN ♪ ♪ MADE IT RACE AGAINST TIME ♪ ♪ ONCE I BUILT A RAILROAD ♪

♪ MADE IT RACE AGAINST TIME ♪ ♪ ONCE I BUILT A RAILROAD ♪ ♪ NOW IT'S DONE ♪

♪ ONCE I BUILT A RAILROAD ♪ ♪ NOW IT'S DONE ♪ ♪ BROTHER, CAN YOU SPARE ♪

♪ NOW IT'S DONE ♪ ♪ BROTHER, CAN YOU SPARE ♪ ♪ A DI-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-ME? ♪

♪ BROTHER, CAN YOU SPARE ♪ ♪ A DI-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-ME? ♪ [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

♪ A DI-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-ME? ♪ [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] THANK YOU.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] THANK YOU. YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL, THANK YOU.

THANK YOU. YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL, THANK YOU. PAUL SHAFFER ON THE PIANO.

YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL, THANK YOU. PAUL SHAFFER ON THE PIANO. THANK YOU.

OF COURSE, LAST, BUT NOT

LEAST, THERE'S THE...

[LAUGHTER]

THERE'S THE QUARTER.

♪ IT'S A QUARTER TO 3:00 ♪

♪ THERE'S NOBODY IN THE PLACE ♪

♪ EXCEPT YOU AND ME ♪

♪ SO, SET THEM UP, JOE ♪

♪ I'VE GOT A LITTLE STORY ♪

♪ I THINK YOU OUGHT TO KNOW ♪

♪ WE'RE DRINKING, MY FRIEND ♪

♪ TO THE END ♪

♪ OF ANOTHER EPISODE ♪

♪ SO MAKE IT ONE FOR MY BABY ♪

♪ AND ONE MORE FOR THE ROAD ♪

♪ THAT LONG ♪

♪ LONG ♪

♪ LONG ROAD ♪

[APPLAUSE]