Original subtitles

Announcer: AND NOW "WEEKEND UPDATE" WITH CHEVY CHASE.

"WEEKEND UPDATE" WITH CHEVY CHASE. YOU KNOW, I JUST LOVE IT WHEN

CHEVY CHASE. YOU KNOW, I JUST LOVE IT WHEN YOU GRAB MY...

YOU KNOW, I JUST LOVE IT WHEN YOU GRAB MY... I GOT TO GO.

YOU GRAB MY... I GOT TO GO. GOOD EVENING.

I GOT TO GO. GOOD EVENING. I'M CHEVY CHASE, AND YOU'RE NOT.

GOOD EVENING. I'M CHEVY CHASE, AND YOU'RE NOT. OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT...

I'M CHEVY CHASE, AND YOU'RE NOT. OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT... PRESIDENT FORD SAYS...

OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT... PRESIDENT FORD SAYS... [TELEPHONE RINGS]

PRESIDENT FORD SAYS... [TELEPHONE RINGS] HELLO?

[TELEPHONE RINGS] HELLO? HELLO?

HELLO? HELLO? HELLO? WHO'S THIS?

HELLO? HELLO? WHO'S THIS? HELLO?

HELLO? WHO'S THIS? HELLO? HELLO? WHO IS THIS?

THIS IS CHEVY CHASE.

WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?

I'M CHEVY CHASE, PAL.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

WAIT A SECOND.

LOOK, I'VE BEEN IN THE HOSPITAL

FOR A COUPLE OF WEEKS, AND I'M

IN NO MOOD FOR LEVITY, YOU

UNDERSTAND?

NO ONE'S CALLED ME, NOT ONE

LOUSY CARD.

I TURN ON THE SHOW, AND I SEE

YOU SITTING IN MY "UPDATE" SET,

WEARING MY BLAZER, WITH PADDED

SHOULDERS.

NOW, WHO ARE YOU? HEY, HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU?

HEY, HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU? I'M CHEVY CHASE.

TO TELL YOU? I'M CHEVY CHASE. I'M CHEVY CHASE, AND YOU'RE

I'M CHEVY CHASE. I'M CHEVY CHASE, AND YOU'RE NOT.

I'M CHEVY CHASE, AND YOU'RE NOT. AND I COINED THAT PHRASE.

NOT. AND I COINED THAT PHRASE. COIN THIS, PAL.

AND I COINED THAT PHRASE. COIN THIS, PAL. I'M CHEVY CHASE, AND YOU'RE

COIN THIS, PAL. I'M CHEVY CHASE, AND YOU'RE BOTHERING ME.

I'M CHEVY CHASE, AND YOU'RE BOTHERING ME. NOW, BUZZ OFF, BOZO.

BOTHERING ME. NOW, BUZZ OFF, BOZO. I GOT A SHOW TO DO, OKAY?

NOW, BUZZ OFF, BOZO. I GOT A SHOW TO DO, OKAY? JUST A MINUTE HERE, VOLCANO

I GOT A SHOW TO DO, OKAY? JUST A MINUTE HERE, VOLCANO FACE.

JUST A MINUTE HERE, VOLCANO FACE. HOW DID YOU GET THERE?

FACE. HOW DID YOU GET THERE? HOW DID I GET WHERE?

HOW DID YOU GET THERE? HOW DID I GET WHERE? ON THE SHOW.

HOW DID I GET WHERE? ON THE SHOW. I ANSWERED AN AD THAT THE

ON THE SHOW. I ANSWERED AN AD THAT THE NETWORK RAN IN THE PAPER ON

I ANSWERED AN AD THAT THE NETWORK RAN IN THE PAPER ON THURSDAY.

NETWORK RAN IN THE PAPER ON THURSDAY. WHAT DID THE AD SAY?

THURSDAY. WHAT DID THE AD SAY? "WANTED: GOOD-LOOKING BUFFOON

WHAT DID THE AD SAY? "WANTED: GOOD-LOOKING BUFFOON WHO'S A FLASH IN THE PAN."

"WANTED: GOOD-LOOKING BUFFOON WHO'S A FLASH IN THE PAN." THAT'S HILARIOUS.

WHO'S A FLASH IN THE PAN." THAT'S HILARIOUS. THEY HIRED YOU?

THAT'S HILARIOUS. THEY HIRED YOU? I GUESS THAT'S SHOW BUSINESS.

THEY HIRED YOU? I GUESS THAT'S SHOW BUSINESS. YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN, PAL?

I GUESS THAT'S SHOW BUSINESS. YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN, PAL? NOW, WILL YOU LET ME GO?

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN, PAL? NOW, WILL YOU LET ME GO? I GOT A SHOW TO DO, OKAY?

NOW, WILL YOU LET ME GO? I GOT A SHOW TO DO, OKAY? JUST A SECOND, CAZ BRAIN.

I GOT A SHOW TO DO, OKAY? JUST A SECOND, CAZ BRAIN. YEAH.

JUST A SECOND, CAZ BRAIN. YEAH. WE'RE ON THE AIR, AND I CAN

YEAH. WE'RE ON THE AIR, AND I CAN PROVE TO THE AMERICAN PEOPLE

WE'RE ON THE AIR, AND I CAN PROVE TO THE AMERICAN PEOPLE THAT I'M CHEVY CHASE AND YOU'RE

PROVE TO THE AMERICAN PEOPLE THAT I'M CHEVY CHASE AND YOU'RE NOT.

THAT I'M CHEVY CHASE AND YOU'RE NOT. YEAH, SURE.

NOT. YEAH, SURE. JUST HOLD ON A MINUTE.

YEAH, SURE. JUST HOLD ON A MINUTE. OKAY.

JUST HOLD ON A MINUTE. OKAY. IN THE BOTTOM DRAWER OF THE

OKAY. IN THE BOTTOM DRAWER OF THE DESK YOU'RE SITTING AT, OKAY?

IN THE BOTTOM DRAWER OF THE DESK YOU'RE SITTING AT, OKAY? I HAVEN'T GOT ALL DAY, PAL.

DESK YOU'RE SITTING AT, OKAY? I HAVEN'T GOT ALL DAY, PAL. IT'S A SHOW. WE'RE ON THE... YOU

I HAVEN'T GOT ALL DAY, PAL. IT'S A SHOW. WE'RE ON THE... YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TRYING TO SAY?

IT'S A SHOW. WE'RE ON THE... YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TRYING TO SAY? REALLY, LOOK.

KNOW WHAT I'M TRYING TO SAY? REALLY, LOOK. OKAY, SURE.

REALLY, LOOK. OKAY, SURE. MM-HMM.

OKAY, SURE. MM-HMM. NOW, TURN IT AROUND, DOPEY.

MM-HMM. NOW, TURN IT AROUND, DOPEY. OKAY.

NOW, TURN IT AROUND, DOPEY. OKAY. THERE ARE TWO GORGEOUS

OKAY. THERE ARE TWO GORGEOUS PICTURES THERE.

THERE ARE TWO GORGEOUS PICTURES THERE. [LAUGHS]

PICTURES THERE. [LAUGHS] [CHUCKLES]

[LAUGHS] [CHUCKLES] WHO IS THAT A PICTURE OF?

[CHUCKLES] WHO IS THAT A PICTURE OF? HUH?

WHO IS THAT A PICTURE OF? HUH? WHO IS THAT A PICTURE OF?

HUH? WHO IS THAT A PICTURE OF? IT'S ME.

WHO IS THAT A PICTURE OF? IT'S ME. THAT'S ME.

IT'S ME. THAT'S ME. I COULD USE THIS FOR A MIRROR,

THAT'S ME. I COULD USE THIS FOR A MIRROR, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

I COULD USE THIS FOR A MIRROR, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? THAT'S A PICTURE OF ME!

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? THAT'S A PICTURE OF ME! IT'S ME.

THAT'S A PICTURE OF ME! IT'S ME. YOU UNDERSTAND?

IT'S ME. YOU UNDERSTAND? LOOK AT IT. IT'S ME.

YOU UNDERSTAND? LOOK AT IT. IT'S ME. I'M CHEVY CHASE, OKAY?

LOOK AT IT. IT'S ME. I'M CHEVY CHASE, OKAY? IF YOU LOOK CLOSELY, YOU'LL

I'M CHEVY CHASE, OKAY? IF YOU LOOK CLOSELY, YOU'LL NOTICE THAT'S A PICTURE OF ME.

IF YOU LOOK CLOSELY, YOU'LL NOTICE THAT'S A PICTURE OF ME. NO, NO, YOU LOOK.

NOTICE THAT'S A PICTURE OF ME. NO, NO, YOU LOOK. I DON'T KNOW WHO YOU ARE, PAL,

NO, NO, YOU LOOK. I DON'T KNOW WHO YOU ARE, PAL, BUT I'M CHEVY CHASE, AND I GOT A

I DON'T KNOW WHO YOU ARE, PAL, BUT I'M CHEVY CHASE, AND I GOT A SHOW TO DO.

BUT I'M CHEVY CHASE, AND I GOT A SHOW TO DO. BYE.

SHOW TO DO. BYE. WAIT A MINUTE.

BYE. WAIT A MINUTE. CHEVY CHASE SIGNS NEW DEAL

WAIT A MINUTE. CHEVY CHASE SIGNS NEW DEAL WITH NBC AFTER SUCCESSFUL

CHEVY CHASE SIGNS NEW DEAL WITH NBC AFTER SUCCESSFUL PLASTIC-SURGERY OPERATION.

WITH NBC AFTER SUCCESSFUL PLASTIC-SURGERY OPERATION. [GLASS SHATTERS]

PLASTIC-SURGERY OPERATION. [GLASS SHATTERS] LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S

[GLASS SHATTERS] LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S "SATURDAY NIGHT"!

LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S "SATURDAY NIGHT"! Announcer: NBC'S

"SATURDAY NIGHT"! Announcer: NBC'S "SATURDAY NIGHT."

Announcer: NBC'S "SATURDAY NIGHT." STARRING...

"SATURDAY NIGHT." STARRING... WITH HIS GUESTS...

AND...

THE VOICE OF...

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, ERIC IDLE. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

HELLO. THANK YOU. IT'S VERY NICE TO BE HERE.

THANK YOU. IT'S VERY NICE TO BE HERE. I'D LIKE TO SING A SONG, IF I

IT'S VERY NICE TO BE HERE. I'D LIKE TO SING A SONG, IF I MAY, WHICH I'VE JUST RECORDED IN

I'D LIKE TO SING A SONG, IF I MAY, WHICH I'VE JUST RECORDED IN ENGLAND.

MAY, WHICH I'VE JUST RECORDED IN ENGLAND. [PLAYING "HERE COMES THE SUN"]

[Deep voice] ♪ HERE COMES THE SUN ♪ ♪ HERE COMES THE SUN ♪

SUN ♪ ♪ HERE COMES THE SUN ♪ ♪ AND I SAY IT'S ALL RIGHT ♪

♪ HERE COMES THE SUN ♪ ♪ AND I SAY IT'S ALL RIGHT ♪ ERIC? ERIC?

♪ AND I SAY IT'S ALL RIGHT ♪ ERIC? ERIC? YEAH?

ERIC? ERIC? YEAH? HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO TAKE A

YEAH? HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO TAKE A LITTLE WALK, AND WE'LL TALK?

HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO TAKE A LITTLE WALK, AND WE'LL TALK? OKAY, FINE, YEAH.

LITTLE WALK, AND WE'LL TALK? OKAY, FINE, YEAH. YOU DON'T LIKE THE SONG?

OKAY, FINE, YEAH. YOU DON'T LIKE THE SONG? THE SONG'S TERRIFIC.

YOU DON'T LIKE THE SONG? THE SONG'S TERRIFIC. BUT, YOU KNOW, YOU'RE NEW TO

THE SONG'S TERRIFIC. BUT, YOU KNOW, YOU'RE NEW TO AMERICAN TELEVISION.

BUT, YOU KNOW, YOU'RE NEW TO AMERICAN TELEVISION. I ENJOYED THE

AMERICAN TELEVISION. I ENJOYED THE "HANDS ACROSS THE WATER", I

I ENJOYED THE "HANDS ACROSS THE WATER", I MEAN, YOU BEING FROM ENGLAND AND

"HANDS ACROSS THE WATER", I MEAN, YOU BEING FROM ENGLAND AND EVERYTHING...

MEAN, YOU BEING FROM ENGLAND AND EVERYTHING... THERE'S A LOT MORE TO THE

EVERYTHING... THERE'S A LOT MORE TO THE SONG...

THERE'S A LOT MORE TO THE SONG... ERIC... ERIC, WE DO THINGS

SONG... ERIC... ERIC, WE DO THINGS VERY DIFFERENTLY OVER HERE.

ERIC... ERIC, WE DO THINGS VERY DIFFERENTLY OVER HERE. FOR INSTANCE, WE PUT A SONG LIKE

VERY DIFFERENTLY OVER HERE. FOR INSTANCE, WE PUT A SONG LIKE THAT... BECAUSE IT HAS SO MUCH

FOR INSTANCE, WE PUT A SONG LIKE THAT... BECAUSE IT HAS SO MUCH MEANING... AT THE END OF THE

THAT... BECAUSE IT HAS SO MUCH MEANING... AT THE END OF THE SHOW.

MEANING... AT THE END OF THE SHOW. OH, SO I'LL DO IT AT THE END

SHOW. OH, SO I'LL DO IT AT THE END OF THE SHOW?

OH, SO I'LL DO IT AT THE END OF THE SHOW? TERRIFIC.

OF THE SHOW? TERRIFIC. SAVE IT UP FOR THE END OF THE

TERRIFIC. SAVE IT UP FOR THE END OF THE SHOW.

SAVE IT UP FOR THE END OF THE SHOW. GOOD IDEA. OKAY.

SHOW. GOOD IDEA. OKAY. SORRY I'M EARLY.

GOOD IDEA. OKAY. SORRY I'M EARLY. THE SONG'S BEING SAVED UP FOR

SORRY I'M EARLY. THE SONG'S BEING SAVED UP FOR THE END, ALL RIGHT?

THE SONG'S BEING SAVED UP FOR THE END, ALL RIGHT? FINE.

THE END, ALL RIGHT? FINE. RIGHT.

FINE. RIGHT. NOW THEN, MR. AND MRS. STOLWRY,

RIGHT. NOW THEN, MR. AND MRS. STOLWRY, YOU'RE IN YOUR SECOND MONTH OF

NOW THEN, MR. AND MRS. STOLWRY, YOU'RE IN YOUR SECOND MONTH OF PREGNANCY, AND YOU'RE PREPARED

YOU'RE IN YOUR SECOND MONTH OF PREGNANCY, AND YOU'RE PREPARED TO SELECT YOUR CHILD'S PHYSICAL

PREGNANCY, AND YOU'RE PREPARED TO SELECT YOUR CHILD'S PHYSICAL CHARACTERISTICS.

TO SELECT YOUR CHILD'S PHYSICAL CHARACTERISTICS. THAT'S RIGHT.

CHARACTERISTICS. THAT'S RIGHT. LET'S GET ON WITH IT.

THAT'S RIGHT. LET'S GET ON WITH IT. ALL RIGHT, MRS. STOLWRY,

LET'S GET ON WITH IT. ALL RIGHT, MRS. STOLWRY, WE'VE PUT YOUR SCRAPINGS THROUGH

ALL RIGHT, MRS. STOLWRY, WE'VE PUT YOUR SCRAPINGS THROUGH A HIGH-SPEED CELL SORTER, AND

WE'VE PUT YOUR SCRAPINGS THROUGH A HIGH-SPEED CELL SORTER, AND WE'RE READY TO CHOOSE WHAT SORT

A HIGH-SPEED CELL SORTER, AND WE'RE READY TO CHOOSE WHAT SORT OF A BABY YOU WANT.

WE'RE READY TO CHOOSE WHAT SORT OF A BABY YOU WANT. NOW, YOU WANT YOUR BABY TO BE A

OF A BABY YOU WANT. NOW, YOU WANT YOUR BABY TO BE A BABY?

NOW, YOU WANT YOUR BABY TO BE A BABY? YES.

BABY? YES. GOOD, THAT'S A START.

YES. GOOD, THAT'S A START. NOW, WHAT SEX? MALE OR FEMALE?

GOOD, THAT'S A START. NOW, WHAT SEX? MALE OR FEMALE? MALE.

NOW, WHAT SEX? MALE OR FEMALE? MALE. MALE. GOOD.

MALE. MALE. GOOD. SKIN PIGMENT... DARK OR FAIR?

MALE. GOOD. SKIN PIGMENT... DARK OR FAIR? FAIR.

SKIN PIGMENT... DARK OR FAIR? FAIR. FAIR.

FAIR. FAIR. HAIR COLOR... BLOND OR BLACK?

FAIR. HAIR COLOR... BLOND OR BLACK? BLOND.

HAIR COLOR... BLOND OR BLACK? BLOND. BLOND. GOOD.

BLOND. BLOND. GOOD. GENERAL STATURE... TALL AND THIN

BLOND. GOOD. GENERAL STATURE... TALL AND THIN OR SHORT AND STOCKY?

GENERAL STATURE... TALL AND THIN OR SHORT AND STOCKY? SHORT AND STOCKY.

OR SHORT AND STOCKY? SHORT AND STOCKY. EXCELLENT.

SHORT AND STOCKY. EXCELLENT. ALL RIGHT, GENERAL TEXTURE...

EXCELLENT. ALL RIGHT, GENERAL TEXTURE... FUR OR QUILTED?

ALL RIGHT, GENERAL TEXTURE... FUR OR QUILTED? FUR OR QUILTED?

FUR OR QUILTED? FUR OR QUILTED? YES, YOU DON'T WANT THE

FUR OR QUILTED? YES, YOU DON'T WANT THE LITTLE NIPPER BOUNCING OUT INTO

YES, YOU DON'T WANT THE LITTLE NIPPER BOUNCING OUT INTO THE WORLD IN THE RAW WHEN YOU

LITTLE NIPPER BOUNCING OUT INTO THE WORLD IN THE RAW WHEN YOU CAN USE ALL OF GENETIC SCIENCE

THE WORLD IN THE RAW WHEN YOU CAN USE ALL OF GENETIC SCIENCE TO HAVE HIM BORN IN HIS OWN

CAN USE ALL OF GENETIC SCIENCE TO HAVE HIM BORN IN HIS OWN LITTLE FUR OR QUILTED BAG.

TO HAVE HIM BORN IN HIS OWN LITTLE FUR OR QUILTED BAG. WHAT DO YOU THINK, DEAR?

LITTLE FUR OR QUILTED BAG. WHAT DO YOU THINK, DEAR? LET'S TAKE THE QUILT.

WHAT DO YOU THINK, DEAR? LET'S TAKE THE QUILT. VERY GOOD. EXCELLENT.

LET'S TAKE THE QUILT. VERY GOOD. EXCELLENT. EXCELLENT.

VERY GOOD. EXCELLENT. EXCELLENT. NOW, GENERAL APTITUDE... YOU

EXCELLENT. NOW, GENERAL APTITUDE... YOU WANT HIM TO BE ARTISTIC OR A

NOW, GENERAL APTITUDE... YOU WANT HIM TO BE ARTISTIC OR A WELDER?

WANT HIM TO BE ARTISTIC OR A WELDER? A WELDER.

WELDER? A WELDER. GOOD, GOOD, GOOD.

A WELDER. GOOD, GOOD, GOOD. MOUTH... TONGUE OR DIPSTICK?

GOOD, GOOD, GOOD. MOUTH... TONGUE OR DIPSTICK? WHAT?

MOUTH... TONGUE OR DIPSTICK? WHAT? TONGUE OR DIPSTICK.

WHAT? TONGUE OR DIPSTICK. A TONGUE IS VERY, VERY FAT, AND

TONGUE OR DIPSTICK. A TONGUE IS VERY, VERY FAT, AND A DIPSTICK IS VERY, VERY MUCH

A TONGUE IS VERY, VERY FAT, AND A DIPSTICK IS VERY, VERY MUCH THINNER AND WILL ENABLE YOUR

A DIPSTICK IS VERY, VERY MUCH THINNER AND WILL ENABLE YOUR BABY TO SUCK FLIES OUT OF SODA

THINNER AND WILL ENABLE YOUR BABY TO SUCK FLIES OUT OF SODA BOTTLES.

BABY TO SUCK FLIES OUT OF SODA BOTTLES. WELL, UM, TONGUE, PLEASE.

BOTTLES. WELL, UM, TONGUE, PLEASE. TONGUE? GOOD, GOOD, GOOD.

WELL, UM, TONGUE, PLEASE. TONGUE? GOOD, GOOD, GOOD. FEET OR PODS?

TONGUE? GOOD, GOOD, GOOD. FEET OR PODS? PODS?

FEET OR PODS? PODS? PODS.

PODS? PODS. PODS, YOU KNOW. PODS.

PODS. PODS, YOU KNOW. PODS. IT INCREASES THE BABY'S MOTOR

PODS, YOU KNOW. PODS. IT INCREASES THE BABY'S MOTOR SKILLS.

IT INCREASES THE BABY'S MOTOR SKILLS. PODS.

SKILLS. PODS. PODS, GOOD.

PODS. PODS, GOOD. WHAT ABOUT HIS HEAD?

PODS, GOOD. WHAT ABOUT HIS HEAD? YOU WANT IT PRESSED IN FLAT LIKE

WHAT ABOUT HIS HEAD? YOU WANT IT PRESSED IN FLAT LIKE A PEKINESE PUPPY, OR WOULD YOU

YOU WANT IT PRESSED IN FLAT LIKE A PEKINESE PUPPY, OR WOULD YOU LIKE IT FULLY CURLED TO LOOK

A PEKINESE PUPPY, OR WOULD YOU LIKE IT FULLY CURLED TO LOOK LIKE A SHRIMP?

LIKE IT FULLY CURLED TO LOOK LIKE A SHRIMP? IF HE HAS THE SHRIMP HEAD, HE'LL

LIKE A SHRIMP? IF HE HAS THE SHRIMP HEAD, HE'LL BE ABLE TO GET THE WELDER'S

IF HE HAS THE SHRIMP HEAD, HE'LL BE ABLE TO GET THE WELDER'S GOGGLES ON MUCH EASIER.

BE ABLE TO GET THE WELDER'S GOGGLES ON MUCH EASIER. NO. NO.

GOGGLES ON MUCH EASIER. NO. NO. I DON'T WANT A BABY WITH A

NO. NO. I DON'T WANT A BABY WITH A SHRIMP HEAD.

I DON'T WANT A BABY WITH A SHRIMP HEAD. WHAT IS THIS ABOUT SHRIMP

SHRIMP HEAD. WHAT IS THIS ABOUT SHRIMP HEADS, DOCTOR?

WHAT IS THIS ABOUT SHRIMP HEADS, DOCTOR? FRANKLY, THIS IS NOT WHAT WE

HEADS, DOCTOR? FRANKLY, THIS IS NOT WHAT WE EXPECTED AT ALL.

FRANKLY, THIS IS NOT WHAT WE EXPECTED AT ALL. RIGHT, THEN!

EXPECTED AT ALL. RIGHT, THEN! I DO THE BEST I CAN TO HELP YOU

RIGHT, THEN! I DO THE BEST I CAN TO HELP YOU BLOODY PARENTS SET UP YOUR

I DO THE BEST I CAN TO HELP YOU BLOODY PARENTS SET UP YOUR SNIVELING, SNOTTY-NOSED KID THE

BLOODY PARENTS SET UP YOUR SNIVELING, SNOTTY-NOSED KID THE WAY YOU WANT, AND ALL I GET IN

SNIVELING, SNOTTY-NOSED KID THE WAY YOU WANT, AND ALL I GET IN RETURN FOR 15 YEARS OF BORING

WAY YOU WANT, AND ALL I GET IN RETURN FOR 15 YEARS OF BORING RESEARCH INTO THE BLOODY BORING

RETURN FOR 15 YEARS OF BORING RESEARCH INTO THE BLOODY BORING COMPOSITION OF THE BLOODY DAMN

RESEARCH INTO THE BLOODY BORING COMPOSITION OF THE BLOODY DAMN DNA MOLECULE IS A PAIR OF

COMPOSITION OF THE BLOODY DAMN DNA MOLECULE IS A PAIR OF PATHETIC TWITS, WHO, WHEN

DNA MOLECULE IS A PAIR OF PATHETIC TWITS, WHO, WHEN CONFRONTED WITH BLOODY SCIENCE

PATHETIC TWITS, WHO, WHEN CONFRONTED WITH BLOODY SCIENCE START A PATHETIC WIFFLE-WAFFLE.

CONFRONTED WITH BLOODY SCIENCE START A PATHETIC WIFFLE-WAFFLE. RIGHT NOW, MR. AND MRS. STOLWRY,

START A PATHETIC WIFFLE-WAFFLE. RIGHT NOW, MR. AND MRS. STOLWRY, YOU HAVE A PERFECT, BEAUTIFUL

RIGHT NOW, MR. AND MRS. STOLWRY, YOU HAVE A PERFECT, BEAUTIFUL WALKING SPECIMEN OF A STOCKY,

YOU HAVE A PERFECT, BEAUTIFUL WALKING SPECIMEN OF A STOCKY, BLOND-HAIRED, BLUE-EYED,

WALKING SPECIMEN OF A STOCKY, BLOND-HAIRED, BLUE-EYED, FAIR-SKINNED, QUILTED, MALE

BLOND-HAIRED, BLUE-EYED, FAIR-SKINNED, QUILTED, MALE SHRIMP-HEAD WELDER, WITH PODS!

FAIR-SKINNED, QUILTED, MALE SHRIMP-HEAD WELDER, WITH PODS! NOW, WHAT MORE CAN YOU POSSIBLY

SHRIMP-HEAD WELDER, WITH PODS! NOW, WHAT MORE CAN YOU POSSIBLY WANT?

NOW, WHAT MORE CAN YOU POSSIBLY WANT? FRANKLY, IT MAKES ME SICK.

WANT? FRANKLY, IT MAKES ME SICK. WHY DON'T YOU GO HAVE YOUR CHILD

FRANKLY, IT MAKES ME SICK. WHY DON'T YOU GO HAVE YOUR CHILD NATURALLY?

WHY DON'T YOU GO HAVE YOUR CHILD NATURALLY? I'M SORRY, DOCTOR.

NATURALLY? I'M SORRY, DOCTOR. IT'S JUST WE DON'T UNDERSTAND

I'M SORRY, DOCTOR. IT'S JUST WE DON'T UNDERSTAND YOUR METHODS.

IT'S JUST WE DON'T UNDERSTAND YOUR METHODS. YES, WE'LL TRY TO BE MORE

YOUR METHODS. YES, WE'LL TRY TO BE MORE UNDERSTANDING.

YES, WE'LL TRY TO BE MORE UNDERSTANDING. ALL RIGHT, LET'S GIVE IT

UNDERSTANDING. ALL RIGHT, LET'S GIVE IT ANOTHER TRY.

ALL RIGHT, LET'S GIVE IT ANOTHER TRY. ALL RIGHT, HERE WE GO.

ANOTHER TRY. ALL RIGHT, HERE WE GO. HATCHBACK OR PORTHOLE WINDOWS?

ALL RIGHT, HERE WE GO. HATCHBACK OR PORTHOLE WINDOWS? HATCHBACK.

HATCHBACK OR PORTHOLE WINDOWS? HATCHBACK. DEFINITELY HATCHBACK.

Announcer: GOOD MORNING.

NOW RADIO STATION K.L.O.G.

COMMENCES ITS PROGRAMMING DAY.

K.L.O.G. IS A DIVISION OF

BOARDCORE COMMUNICATIONS.

THE POLICY OF K.L.O.G. AND

K.L.O.G. F.M. IS TO GIVE YOU,

THE LISTENER, THE BEST IN BOTH

A.M. AND F.M. ENTERTAINMENT.

WE WISH YOU A GOOD MORNING AND A

NICE DAY.

[DEVICE BEEPS]

♪ COMING OR GOING OR JUST IN

THE RACE ♪

♪ STAY WITH K.L.O.G. 'CAUSE

CASEY'S ON THE CASE ♪

HEY, GOOD MORNING!

IT'S KIP CASEY WAKE-UP TIME!

DRIVING TO WORK, TO SCHOOL,

HAVING BREAKFAST, OR JUST DOING

SOME CRAZY MORNING THINGS AROUND

THE HOUSE, CASEY'S ON THE CASE.

I'M KIP CASEY.

I'LL BE HERE TILL NOON WITH A

FEW WORDS, A LITTLE MUSIC, AND

THE PASTERNAK AIR HAMMER

GIVEAWAY-DAY CONTEST LATER ON.

HERE'S A TUNE TO GET YOU MOVING

AND GROOVING ON THIS SUNNY

FRIDAY MORNING.

AN OLD ONE FROM

TONY ORLANDO & DAWN...

"CANDIDA."

SOME GOLD.

["CANDIDA" PLAYS]

[Low, croaking voice] OKAY.

YEAH.

THAT WAS THE MOODY BLUES FOR OUR

MORNING.

MORNING, AS ALWAYS, THE FIRST

AWAKENING.

I'M KENNETH WARDELL ON K.L.O.G.

F.M., MELLOWING OUT YOUR MORNING

WITH SOME REALLY GOOD SOUND.

WE HAVE MUSIC.

I'M A LITTLE HIGH RIGHT NOW.

AND I'M LOOKING FORWARD TO AN

INTERVIEW WITH PETER CRISS, THE

DRUMMER FROM KISS.

HE'S GONNA TELL US HOW HE CHOSE

THE CAT MAKEUP.

HERE'S SOMETHING NEW FROM

AEROSMITH.

[ROCK MUSIC PLAYS]

[Upbeat voice] YEAH!

"CANDIDA"!

HEY, MOM, HERE'S THE WORD ABOUT

WALLY WINKY WONDERLOAF, THE

NUTRITIOUS WHITE MILK BREAD.

THE PEOPLE AT WALLY WINKY

BAKERIES PUT LOVING CARE AND

PRIDE INTO EVERY LOAF THEY BAKE.

EVERY WALLY WINKY WONDERLOAF IS

MADE... EVERY WALLY WINKY

WONDERLOAF IS MADE FROM WHITE

REFINED MILK FLOUR AND MILK

POWDER SUBSTITUTE TO GIVE YOUR

GROWING FAMILY THE IMPORTANT

NUTRITION THEY NEED.

SO GIVE YOUR YOUNGSTERS WALLY

WINKY WONDERLOAF TODAY.

AND LET'S WATCH OUT NOW FOR THAT

"DEVIL WOMAN."

["DEVIL WOMAN" PLAYS]

[Low, croaking voice] YEAH.

AEROSMITH ON K.L.O.G. F.M.

YOU KNOW, MANY NUTRITIONISTS AND

DOCTORS AGREE THAT BREAD MADE

WITH WHITE REFINED MILLED FLOUR

AND MILK POWDER SUBSTITUTE IS NO

GOOD FOR US.

MOST AGREE THAT WHOLE WHEAT IS

AN EXCELLENT SOURCE OF PROTEIN.

THAT'S WHY THE PEOPLE AT

EARTH SOURCE GRANARIES USE ONLY

WHOLE GRAIN AND UNMILLED WHEAT

IN THEIR HEADBREAD.

HEADBREAD, FOR A PURE SOURCE OF

NOURISHMENT.

NOW, LED ZEPPELIN, "STAIRWAY."

♪ IF THERE'S A BUSTLE... ♪

[Upbeat voice] YEAH, ALL

RIGHT!

DON'T LET THAT "DEVIL WOMAN" GET

YOU.

YOU KNOW, RING AUDIO HAS

EVERYTHING YOU NEED IN STEREO

COMPONENTS, C.B. RADIOS,

AERIALS, CAR RADIOS, TAPE DECKS,

TURNTABLES, AMPLIFIERS, SPEAKERS

AND TVs.

ALL NAME BRANDS AT GREAT PRICES.

THAT'S RING AUDIO,

8080 STRONEPOOL BOULEVARD,

FLAGSWAN.

ASK FOR GARY.

TELL HIM CRAZY KIP CASEY SENT

YOU.

AND IF YOU DIG DISCO, YOU'RE

REALLY GONNA DIG THE "FIFTH."

IT'S MOVING UP THERE ON THE

K.L.O.G. HIT PICKS SURVEY.

[FUNK MUSIC PLAYS]

[Low voice] YEAH.

DO YOUR BIG SPEAKERS KEEP

GETTING YOU EVICTED?

THEN WHY NOT VISIT STAIRWAY TO

HEADPHONES?

STAIRWAY TO HEADPHONES DEALS

ONLY IN QUALITY HEADPHONES AND

MOTORCYCLE AND FOOTBALL HELMETS,

ALL WIRED FOR SOUND.

STAIRWAY TO HEADPHONES,

8080 STRONEPOOL BOULEVARD,

FLAGSWAN.

ASK FOR GARY.

TELL HIM KENNETH WARDELL,

K.L.O.G. F.M. SENT YOU.

HERE'S BLACK SABBATH.

[HEAVY METAL MUSIC PLAYS]

[Upbeat voice] OKAY.

ALL RIGHT.

HEY, THE K.L.O.G. TRAFFIC COPTER

REPORTS TRAFFIC'S BADLY TIED UP

ON ROUTE 9.

A LOT OF CARS ARE BACKED UP

THERE.

TAKE THE BYPASS INSTEAD.

HEY, THE STUDENT COUNCIL AT

ROLCAGE HIGH SCHOOL IN SUMMIT

ASKED ME TO SAY A FEW WORDS

ABOUT THEIR ART FAIR.

THE KIDS ARE HAVING AN ART FAIR

THERE... IT'S IN THE GYM...

THURSDAY NIGHT FROM 8 P.M., AND

THE KIDS HAVE REALLY WORKED HARD

ON THE ART.

AND THEY'D SURE APPRECIATE A

LITTLE SUPPORT.

THE MONEY'S FOR THE SICK.

THAT'S ROLCAGE HIGH IN SUMMIT.

THERE'S GONNA BE A LOT OF GOOD

ART THERE.

AND HERE'S SOMETHING TO TAKE US

UP TO NEWS TIME WITH

BERNIE PHILLIPS... "THE ANTLER

DANCE", TAKING US TO K.L.O.G.

NEWS WITH BERNIE PHILLIPS.

["THE ANTLER DANCE" PLAYS]

[Low voice] YEAH,

BLACK SABBATH.

I GUESS ALL YOU FOLKS WHO GOT

OUT TO THE DEAD CONCERT LAST

NIGHT AT WILDCAT STADIUM KIND OF

KNOW WHERE MY HEAD'S AT TODAY.

BUT, HEY, YOU KNOW, I HEARD THAT

CITY COUNCIL MIGHT CANCEL ALL

ROCK CONCERTS BECAUSE OF DAMAGE

DONE TO THE ASTROTURF.

IF YOU HAVE TO SMOKE CIGARETTES,

PUT THEM IN YOUR BEER CAN OR

CARRY AN ASHTRAY.

IF YOU SMOKE ANYTHING ELSE,

SMOKE IT, THEN EAT IT.

IT WON'T KILL YOU, BUT

CIGARETTES WILL.

IT'S A SHAME THIS KIND OF THING

IS STILL GOING ON.

I GUESS SOME OF US DIDN'T LEARN

ANYTHING FROM THE '60s.

HEY, WE'RE COMING UP TO NEWS

TIME RIGHT NOW WITH

BERNIE PHILLIPS.

I'M GONNA TAKE A LITTLE BREAK

AND FIND OUT WHAT'S HAPPENING IN

THE NEWS WITH BERNIE PHILLIPS AT

THE K.L.O.G. NEWS CENTER.

Announcer: AND NOW, K.L.O.G.

NEWS WITH BERNIE PHILLIPS.

[Normal voice] I'M

BERNIE PHILLIPS.

THIS IS THE K.L.O.G. NEWS.

PRECAUTIONARY MEASURES CONTINUE

TO BE TAKEN AGAINST THE SWINE

FLU THREAT.

YET UNITED STATES DEPARTMENT OF

AGRICULTURE OFFICIALS WARN

NOTHING HAS BEEN DONE TO HALT

THE NORTHWARD MOVEMENT OF THE

DEADLY SOUTH AMERICAN KILLER

BEES.

AND NOW BACK TO A LITTLE MUSIC.

[Deep voice] ♪ HERE COMES THE SUN ♪ THAT DIDN'T HURT, NOW.

THE SUN ♪ THAT DIDN'T HURT, NOW. THERE YOU GO.

THAT DIDN'T HURT, NOW. THERE YOU GO. WILL YOU PLEASE TURN THAT OFF?

THERE YOU GO. WILL YOU PLEASE TURN THAT OFF? I CAN'T HEAR MYSELF THINK.

WILL YOU PLEASE TURN THAT OFF? I CAN'T HEAR MYSELF THINK. THANK YOU.

I CAN'T HEAR MYSELF THINK. THANK YOU. IT LOOKS LIKE IT'S GONNA BE A

THANK YOU. IT LOOKS LIKE IT'S GONNA BE A BUSY DAY.

IT LOOKS LIKE IT'S GONNA BE A BUSY DAY. I KNOW.

BUSY DAY. I KNOW. IT'S ALREADY 9:00 AND WE'VE HAD

I KNOW. IT'S ALREADY 9:00 AND WE'VE HAD AT LEAST 50.

IT'S ALREADY 9:00 AND WE'VE HAD AT LEAST 50. SIR, WOULD YOU PLEASE ROLL UP

AT LEAST 50. SIR, WOULD YOU PLEASE ROLL UP YOUR SLEEVE?

SIR, WOULD YOU PLEASE ROLL UP YOUR SLEEVE? [Spanish accent] IT IS

YOUR SLEEVE? [Spanish accent] IT IS ROLLED UP.

[Spanish accent] IT IS ROLLED UP. OH, MY GOD. YOU'RE A...

ROLLED UP. OH, MY GOD. YOU'RE A... THAT'S RIGHT, LADY!

OH, MY GOD. YOU'RE A... THAT'S RIGHT, LADY! WE'RE THE KILLER BEES!

[Spanish accent] YEAH! YEAH! YEAH! YOU TRY ANYTHING FUNNY AND I

YEAH! YEAH! YOU TRY ANYTHING FUNNY AND I KNOW A NURSE WHO'S GOING TO NEED

YOU TRY ANYTHING FUNNY AND I KNOW A NURSE WHO'S GOING TO NEED A DOCTOR, UNDERSTAND?

KNOW A NURSE WHO'S GOING TO NEED A DOCTOR, UNDERSTAND? WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

A DOCTOR, UNDERSTAND? WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? WHAT DO YOU WANT?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? WHAT DO YOU WANT? GIVE US THAT SWINE FLU

WHAT DO YOU WANT? GIVE US THAT SWINE FLU VACCINE.

GIVE US THAT SWINE FLU VACCINE. OH, PLEASE, DON'T HURT HER.

VACCINE. OH, PLEASE, DON'T HURT HER. SHE'S MY FRIEND.

OH, PLEASE, DON'T HURT HER. SHE'S MY FRIEND. PLEASE.

SHE'S MY FRIEND. PLEASE. DON'T YOU THINK WE HAVE

PLEASE. DON'T YOU THINK WE HAVE FRIENDS?

DON'T YOU THINK WE HAVE FRIENDS? DON'T YOU THINK WE HAVE FRIENDS,

FRIENDS? DON'T YOU THINK WE HAVE FRIENDS, LIKE THE SWINE FLU?

DON'T YOU THINK WE HAVE FRIENDS, LIKE THE SWINE FLU? DID YOU EVER THINK THE SWINE FLU

LIKE THE SWINE FLU? DID YOU EVER THINK THE SWINE FLU MAY BE OUR BEST FRIEND, HUH,

DID YOU EVER THINK THE SWINE FLU MAY BE OUR BEST FRIEND, HUH, GRINGO?

MAY BE OUR BEST FRIEND, HUH, GRINGO? I GREW UP WITH THE SWINE FLU.

GRINGO? I GREW UP WITH THE SWINE FLU. WHEN TIMES WERE HARD, MY FAMILY

I GREW UP WITH THE SWINE FLU. WHEN TIMES WERE HARD, MY FAMILY WAS POOR, THE SWINE FLU TOOK US

WHEN TIMES WERE HARD, MY FAMILY WAS POOR, THE SWINE FLU TOOK US IN.

WAS POOR, THE SWINE FLU TOOK US IN. THEY CLOTHED US, FED US.

IN. THEY CLOTHED US, FED US. THE SWINE FLU TAUGHT US TO READ.

THEY CLOTHED US, FED US. THE SWINE FLU TAUGHT US TO READ. THAT'S RIGHT.

THE SWINE FLU TAUGHT US TO READ. THAT'S RIGHT. THE SWINE FLU SAVED MY LIFE IN

THAT'S RIGHT. THE SWINE FLU SAVED MY LIFE IN NAM.

THE SWINE FLU SAVED MY LIFE IN NAM. [Spanish accent] THE SWINE

NAM. [Spanish accent] THE SWINE FLU FINANCED MY MOBILE HOME.

[Spanish accent] THE SWINE FLU FINANCED MY MOBILE HOME. YOU SEE, THEY ARE OUR

FLU FINANCED MY MOBILE HOME. YOU SEE, THEY ARE OUR BROTHERS, AND WE TAKE CARE OF

YOU SEE, THEY ARE OUR BROTHERS, AND WE TAKE CARE OF OUR OWN.

BROTHERS, AND WE TAKE CARE OF OUR OWN. LOOK, I'LL BE VERY HONEST

OUR OWN. LOOK, I'LL BE VERY HONEST WITH YOU.

LOOK, I'LL BE VERY HONEST WITH YOU. YOU SEE, WE'RE ALL OUT OF SWINE

WITH YOU. YOU SEE, WE'RE ALL OUT OF SWINE FLU VACCINE.

YOU SEE, WE'RE ALL OUT OF SWINE FLU VACCINE. WE RAN OUT OF IT HOURS AGO.

FLU VACCINE. WE RAN OUT OF IT HOURS AGO. WE'RE USING SOME OLD POLIO

WE RAN OUT OF IT HOURS AGO. WE'RE USING SOME OLD POLIO VACCINE FROM THE '50s.

WE'RE USING SOME OLD POLIO VACCINE FROM THE '50s. POLIO VACC...

VACCINE FROM THE '50s. POLIO VACC... ALL RIGHT, CHAP.

POLIO VACC... ALL RIGHT, CHAP. LET'S JUST GET WHAT WE CAME FOR

ALL RIGHT, CHAP. LET'S JUST GET WHAT WE CAME FOR AND BUZZ OFF, SHALL WE?

LET'S JUST GET WHAT WE CAME FOR AND BUZZ OFF, SHALL WE? GIVE ME THE VACCINE.

AND BUZZ OFF, SHALL WE? GIVE ME THE VACCINE. WAIT A MINUTE. WAIT A MINUTE.

GIVE ME THE VACCINE. WAIT A MINUTE. WAIT A MINUTE. WAIT A MINUTE. WAIT A MINUTE.

WAIT A MINUTE. WAIT A MINUTE. WAIT A MINUTE. WAIT A MINUTE. DID HE JUST SAY CHAP?

WAIT A MINUTE. WAIT A MINUTE. DID HE JUST SAY CHAP? NO, HE DIDN'T SAY NOTHING.

DID HE JUST SAY CHAP? NO, HE DIDN'T SAY NOTHING. YES, HE DID. HE SAID CHAP.

NO, HE DIDN'T SAY NOTHING. YES, HE DID. HE SAID CHAP. HE SAID CHAPPO... SPANISH FOR

YES, HE DID. HE SAID CHAP. HE SAID CHAPPO... SPANISH FOR "FAT BEE."

HE SAID CHAPPO... SPANISH FOR "FAT BEE." YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.

"FAT BEE." YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH. WAIT A MINUTE.

YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH. WAIT A MINUTE. I HEARD HIM, TOO, JANE.

WAIT A MINUTE. I HEARD HIM, TOO, JANE. I HEARD HIM SAY CHAP.

I HEARD HIM, TOO, JANE. I HEARD HIM SAY CHAP. WAIT A MINUTE.

I HEARD HIM SAY CHAP. WAIT A MINUTE. YOU'RE NOT A SOUTH AMERICAN

WAIT A MINUTE. YOU'RE NOT A SOUTH AMERICAN KILLER BEE.

YOU'RE NOT A SOUTH AMERICAN KILLER BEE. YOU'RE ENGLISH.

KILLER BEE. YOU'RE ENGLISH. HE'S NOT ENGLISH.

YOU'RE ENGLISH. HE'S NOT ENGLISH. NOW HAND OVER THAT VACCINE.

HE'S NOT ENGLISH. NOW HAND OVER THAT VACCINE. RIGHT.

NOW HAND OVER THAT VACCINE. RIGHT. HAND IT OVER OR YOU'RE GOING TO

RIGHT. HAND IT OVER OR YOU'RE GOING TO DANCE.

HAND IT OVER OR YOU'RE GOING TO DANCE. GET 'EM, BLOKE.

DANCE. GET 'EM, BLOKE. OKAY.

GET 'EM, BLOKE. OKAY. OKAY, OKAY.

OKAY. OKAY, OKAY. I HEARD HIM JUST SAY BLOKE.

OKAY, OKAY. I HEARD HIM JUST SAY BLOKE. I DISTINCTLY HEARD HIM SAY

I HEARD HIM JUST SAY BLOKE. I DISTINCTLY HEARD HIM SAY BLOKE.

I DISTINCTLY HEARD HIM SAY BLOKE. I HEARD HIM, TOO.

BLOKE. I HEARD HIM, TOO. HE SAID BLOKE.

I HEARD HIM, TOO. HE SAID BLOKE. I AGREE WITH GILDA.

HE SAID BLOKE. I AGREE WITH GILDA. HE'S NOT ENGLISH.

I AGREE WITH GILDA. HE'S NOT ENGLISH. HE WAS EDUCATED AT OXFORD.

HE'S NOT ENGLISH. HE WAS EDUCATED AT OXFORD. BUT HE'S NOT ENGLISH.

HE WAS EDUCATED AT OXFORD. BUT HE'S NOT ENGLISH. OH, COME ON.

BUT HE'S NOT ENGLISH. OH, COME ON. DO YOU EXPECT US TO BELIEVE

OH, COME ON. DO YOU EXPECT US TO BELIEVE THAT, REALLY?

DO YOU EXPECT US TO BELIEVE THAT, REALLY? HE SPENT TWO SEMESTERS AT

THAT, REALLY? HE SPENT TWO SEMESTERS AT OXFORD.

HE SPENT TWO SEMESTERS AT OXFORD. DON'T MAKE HIM ENGLISH.

OXFORD. DON'T MAKE HIM ENGLISH. SO, YOU'RE SOUTH AMERICAN,

DON'T MAKE HIM ENGLISH. SO, YOU'RE SOUTH AMERICAN, HUH?

SO, YOU'RE SOUTH AMERICAN, HUH? WHAT COUNTRY?

HUH? WHAT COUNTRY? PARAGUAY.

WHAT COUNTRY? PARAGUAY. WHERE IN PARAGUAY?

PARAGUAY. WHERE IN PARAGUAY? THE MIDDLE.

WHERE IN PARAGUAY? THE MIDDLE. ARE WE SUPPOSED TO BELIEVE

THE MIDDLE. ARE WE SUPPOSED TO BELIEVE THAT?

ARE WE SUPPOSED TO BELIEVE THAT? LOOK, THE SUBJECT IS CLOSED.

THAT? LOOK, THE SUBJECT IS CLOSED. GIVE US THE VACCINE.

LOOK, THE SUBJECT IS CLOSED. GIVE US THE VACCINE. ALL RIGHT, WHAT ARE YOU SO

GIVE US THE VACCINE. ALL RIGHT, WHAT ARE YOU SO SCARED ABOUT?

ALL RIGHT, WHAT ARE YOU SO SCARED ABOUT? I MEAN, IF HE IS SOUTH AMERICAN,

SCARED ABOUT? I MEAN, IF HE IS SOUTH AMERICAN, WHY DON'T YOU LET HIM JUST PROVE

I MEAN, IF HE IS SOUTH AMERICAN, WHY DON'T YOU LET HIM JUST PROVE IT?

WHY DON'T YOU LET HIM JUST PROVE IT? YEAH, LET HIM PROVE IT.

IT? YEAH, LET HIM PROVE IT. HE DON'T HAVE TO PROVE

YEAH, LET HIM PROVE IT. HE DON'T HAVE TO PROVE NOTHING.

HE DON'T HAVE TO PROVE NOTHING. WAIT A MINUTE.

NOTHING. WAIT A MINUTE. I'LL PROVE IT.

WAIT A MINUTE. I'LL PROVE IT. ♪ LA CUCARACHA ♪

I'LL PROVE IT. ♪ LA CUCARACHA ♪ ♪ LA CUCARACHA ♪

♪ LA CUCARACHA ♪ ♪ LA CUCARACHA ♪ ♪ MARIHUANA QUE FUMAR ♪

♪ LA CUCARACHA ♪ ♪ MARIHUANA QUE FUMAR ♪ ♪ LA CUCARACHA ♪

♪ MARIHUANA QUE FUMAR ♪ ♪ LA CUCARACHA ♪ ♪ LA CUCARACHA ♪

♪ LA CUCARACHA ♪ ♪ LA CUCARACHA ♪ ♪ MARIHUANA QUE FUMAR ♪

♪ LA CUCARACHA ♪ ♪ MARIHUANA QUE FUMAR ♪ OLé!

♪ MARIHUANA QUE FUMAR ♪ OLé! OH, SURE.

OLé! OH, SURE. HE'S NOT ENGLISH... MUCH.

OH, SURE. HE'S NOT ENGLISH... MUCH. RIGHT.

HE'S NOT ENGLISH... MUCH. RIGHT. [Normal voice] WELL, I HOPE

RIGHT. [Normal voice] WELL, I HOPE YOU'RE HAPPY.

[Normal voice] WELL, I HOPE YOU'RE HAPPY. WHAT?

YOU'RE HAPPY. WHAT? YOU RUINED THE WHOLE

WHAT? YOU RUINED THE WHOLE INTEGRITY OF THIS SCENE.

YOU RUINED THE WHOLE INTEGRITY OF THIS SCENE. I HATE WORKING WITH ENGLISH

INTEGRITY OF THIS SCENE. I HATE WORKING WITH ENGLISH ACTORS.

I HATE WORKING WITH ENGLISH ACTORS. I DON'T KNOW WHY I PUT UP WITH

ACTORS. I DON'T KNOW WHY I PUT UP WITH THIS.

I DON'T KNOW WHY I PUT UP WITH THIS. [Normal voice] NICE

THIS. [Normal voice] NICE PERFORMANCE.

[Normal voice] NICE PERFORMANCE. REALLY BELIEVABLE.

PERFORMANCE. REALLY BELIEVABLE. [Normal voice] MONTY

REALLY BELIEVABLE. [Normal voice] MONTY PYTHON'S FLYING CIRCUS,

[Normal voice] MONTY PYTHON'S FLYING CIRCUS, HUH?

PYTHON'S FLYING CIRCUS, HUH? THEY'LL LAUGH AT ANYTHING IN

HUH? THEY'LL LAUGH AT ANYTHING IN ENGLAND, I GUESS.

THEY'LL LAUGH AT ANYTHING IN ENGLAND, I GUESS. YOU SEEN THAT NEW STAGEHAND?

ENGLAND, I GUESS. YOU SEEN THAT NEW STAGEHAND? THE BLOND ONE?

YOU SEEN THAT NEW STAGEHAND? THE BLOND ONE? NO, THE ONE WITH THE SANDY

THE BLOND ONE? NO, THE ONE WITH THE SANDY HAIR.

NO, THE ONE WITH THE SANDY HAIR. OH, COME ON, CHEER UP, ERIC.

HAIR. OH, COME ON, CHEER UP, ERIC. YOU KNOW, I THOUGHT YOU WERE

OH, COME ON, CHEER UP, ERIC. YOU KNOW, I THOUGHT YOU WERE FANTASTIC.

YOU KNOW, I THOUGHT YOU WERE FANTASTIC. I MEAN, YOU DO CHARACTERS.

FANTASTIC. I MEAN, YOU DO CHARACTERS. YOU HAVE VERVE.

I MEAN, YOU DO CHARACTERS. YOU HAVE VERVE. YOU HAVE EXCITEMENT.

YOU HAVE VERVE. YOU HAVE EXCITEMENT. YOU HAVE NUANCE WHEN YOU

YOU HAVE EXCITEMENT. YOU HAVE NUANCE WHEN YOU PERFORM.

YOU HAVE NUANCE WHEN YOU PERFORM. I THINK YOU WERE GREAT!

PERFORM. I THINK YOU WERE GREAT! OH.

I THINK YOU WERE GREAT! OH. YOU WANT TO COME BACK TO MY

OH. YOU WANT TO COME BACK TO MY DRESSING ROOM?

YOU WANT TO COME BACK TO MY DRESSING ROOM? SURE.

DRESSING ROOM? SURE. GREAT.

[Deep voice] ♪ HERE COMES THE SUN ♪ ♪ HERE COMES THE SUN ♪

THE SUN ♪ ♪ HERE COMES THE SUN ♪ ♪ AND I SAY IT'S ALL RIGHT ♪

♪ HERE COMES THE SUN ♪ ♪ AND I SAY IT'S ALL RIGHT ♪ ♪ BA-DUM-BA-DEE DUM-BA-DEE DUM ♪

♪ AND I SAY IT'S ALL RIGHT ♪ ♪ BA-DUM-BA-DEE DUM-BA-DEE DUM ♪ ERIC, REALLY, WE LOVE THE

♪ BA-DUM-BA-DEE DUM-BA-DEE DUM ♪ ERIC, REALLY, WE LOVE THE SONG.

ERIC, REALLY, WE LOVE THE SONG. WE REALLY DO.

SONG. WE REALLY DO. IT'S GOING WELL, ISN'T IT?

WE REALLY DO. IT'S GOING WELL, ISN'T IT? ERIC, WE HAVE A PLACE FOR THE

IT'S GOING WELL, ISN'T IT? ERIC, WE HAVE A PLACE FOR THE SONG AT THE END OF THE SHOW.

ERIC, WE HAVE A PLACE FOR THE SONG AT THE END OF THE SHOW. OH, WE'LL DO IT AT THE END.

SONG AT THE END OF THE SHOW. OH, WE'LL DO IT AT THE END. YOU KNOW, THE END, WHEN YOU

OH, WE'LL DO IT AT THE END. YOU KNOW, THE END, WHEN YOU FINISH SOMETHING?

YOU KNOW, THE END, WHEN YOU FINISH SOMETHING? IT'LL BE MUCH STRONGER THERE.

FINISH SOMETHING? IT'LL BE MUCH STRONGER THERE. THAT'S RIGHT. THAT'S RIGHT.

IT'LL BE MUCH STRONGER THERE. THAT'S RIGHT. THAT'S RIGHT. LET'S HAVE SOMEBODY ELSE WHO

THAT'S RIGHT. THAT'S RIGHT. LET'S HAVE SOMEBODY ELSE WHO DOESN'T SING NORMALLY.

LET'S HAVE SOMEBODY ELSE WHO DOESN'T SING NORMALLY. OKAY.

DOESN'T SING NORMALLY. OKAY. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

OKAY. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, MR. JOE COCKER.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, MR. JOE COCKER. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

MR. JOE COCKER. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] [INTRODUCTION TO "YOU ARE SO

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] [INTRODUCTION TO "YOU ARE SO BEAUTIFUL" PLAYS]

♪ YOU ARE SO BEAUTIFUL ♪

♪ TO ME ♪ ♪ YOU ARE SO BEAUTIFUL ♪

♪ TO ME ♪ ♪ CAN'T YOU SEE? ♪ ♪ YOU'RE EVERYTHING I HOPED

♪ CAN'T YOU SEE? ♪ ♪ YOU'RE EVERYTHING I HOPED FOR ♪

♪ YOU'RE EVERYTHING I HOPED FOR ♪ ♪ YOU'RE EVERYTHING I NEED ♪

FOR ♪ ♪ YOU'RE EVERYTHING I NEED ♪ ♪ YOU ARE SO BEAUTIFUL ♪

♪ YOU'RE EVERYTHING I NEED ♪ ♪ YOU ARE SO BEAUTIFUL ♪ ♪ TO ME ♪

♪ YOU ARE SO BEAUTIFUL ♪ ♪ TO ME ♪ ♪ SUCH JOY AND HAPPINESS ♪

♪ YOU BRING ♪ ♪ SUCH JOY AND HAPPINESS ♪

♪ YOU BRING ♪ ♪ LIKE A DREAM ♪ ♪ A GUIDING LIGHT

♪ LIKE A DREAM ♪ ♪ A GUIDING LIGHT THAT SHINES IN THE NIGHT ♪

♪ A GUIDING LIGHT THAT SHINES IN THE NIGHT ♪ ♪ HEAVEN'S GIFT TO ME ♪

THAT SHINES IN THE NIGHT ♪ ♪ HEAVEN'S GIFT TO ME ♪ ♪ OOH OOH ♪

♪ HEAVEN'S GIFT TO ME ♪ ♪ OOH OOH ♪ ♪ YOU ARE SO BEAUTIFUL ♪

♪ OOH OOH ♪ ♪ YOU ARE SO BEAUTIFUL ♪ ♪ TO ME ♪

♪ YOU ARE SO BEAUTIFUL ♪ ♪ TO ME ♪ [SONG CONCLUDES]

♪ TO ME ♪ [SONG CONCLUDES] [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

HEWO.

HEWO. THIS IS BABA WAWA, HERE TO

SAY FAREWELL.

THIS IS MY WAST MOMENT ON NBC. I WANT TO WEMIND YOU TO WOOK FOR ME, AWONG WITH HARRY REASONER

I WANT TO WEMIND YOU TO WOOK FOR ME, AWONG WITH HARRY REASONER WEEKNIGHTS AT 7:00.

ME, AWONG WITH HARRY REASONER WEEKNIGHTS AT 7:00. I WANT TO TAKE THIS OPPORTUNITY

WEEKNIGHTS AT 7:00. I WANT TO TAKE THIS OPPORTUNITY TO APOWOGIZE TO NBC.

I WANT TO TAKE THIS OPPORTUNITY TO APOWOGIZE TO NBC. I DON'T WIKE WEAVING.

TO APOWOGIZE TO NBC. I DON'T WIKE WEAVING. PLEASE TRUST ME, IT'S NOT SOUR

I DON'T WIKE WEAVING. PLEASE TRUST ME, IT'S NOT SOUR GWAPES, BUT WATHER THAT ANOTHER

PLEASE TRUST ME, IT'S NOT SOUR GWAPES, BUT WATHER THAT ANOTHER NETWORK WECOGNIZES IN ME A GWEAT

GWAPES, BUT WATHER THAT ANOTHER NETWORK WECOGNIZES IN ME A GWEAT TAWENT FOR DEWIVERING WELEVANT

NETWORK WECOGNIZES IN ME A GWEAT TAWENT FOR DEWIVERING WELEVANT NEWS STOWIES WITH CWYSTAL

TAWENT FOR DEWIVERING WELEVANT NEWS STOWIES WITH CWYSTAL CLAWITY TO MILLIONS OF

NEWS STOWIES WITH CWYSTAL CLAWITY TO MILLIONS OF AMERICANS.

CLAWITY TO MILLIONS OF AMERICANS. IT'S THE ONLY WEASON I'M

AMERICANS. IT'S THE ONLY WEASON I'M WEAVING, WEALLY.

Announcer: AND NOW "WEEKEND UPDATE." SUBSTITUTING FOR THE

"WEEKEND UPDATE." SUBSTITUTING FOR THE STILL-INJURED CHEVY CHASE IS

SUBSTITUTING FOR THE STILL-INJURED CHEVY CHASE IS JANE CURTIN.

STILL-INJURED CHEVY CHASE IS JANE CURTIN. NO, NO, NO.

JANE CURTIN. NO, NO, NO. HE'S STILL SICK.

NO, NO, NO. HE'S STILL SICK. I DON'T KNOW HOW LONG IT'LL BE.

HE'S STILL SICK. I DON'T KNOW HOW LONG IT'LL BE. WHAT?

I DON'T KNOW HOW LONG IT'LL BE. WHAT? I DON'T KNOW WHERE HE KEEPS THE

WHAT? I DON'T KNOW WHERE HE KEEPS THE BATTERIES.

I DON'T KNOW WHERE HE KEEPS THE BATTERIES. I GOT TO GO. BYE.

BATTERIES. I GOT TO GO. BYE. GOOD EVENING. I'M JANE CURTIN.

I GOT TO GO. BYE. GOOD EVENING. I'M JANE CURTIN. HEAR NOW THE NEWS.

GOOD EVENING. I'M JANE CURTIN. HEAR NOW THE NEWS. OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT... AFTER

HEAR NOW THE NEWS. OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT... AFTER BEING ACCUSED OF ONCE MISUSING

OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT... AFTER BEING ACCUSED OF ONCE MISUSING CAMPAIGN FUNDS, PRESIDENT FORD

BEING ACCUSED OF ONCE MISUSING CAMPAIGN FUNDS, PRESIDENT FORD HAS BEEN CLEARED OF THE CHARGE

CAMPAIGN FUNDS, PRESIDENT FORD HAS BEEN CLEARED OF THE CHARGE AS A RESULT OF A PROBE BY THE

HAS BEEN CLEARED OF THE CHARGE AS A RESULT OF A PROBE BY THE FBI.

AS A RESULT OF A PROBE BY THE FBI. IN A GESTURE OF APPRECIATION,

FBI. IN A GESTURE OF APPRECIATION, THE PRESIDENT HAS ISSUED A FULL

IN A GESTURE OF APPRECIATION, THE PRESIDENT HAS ISSUED A FULL AND COMPLETE PARDON TO

THE PRESIDENT HAS ISSUED A FULL AND COMPLETE PARDON TO EFREM ZIMBALIST JR.

AND COMPLETE PARDON TO EFREM ZIMBALIST JR. SECRETARY OF AGRICULTURE

EFREM ZIMBALIST JR. SECRETARY OF AGRICULTURE EARL BUTZ WAS REPRIMANDED BY

SECRETARY OF AGRICULTURE EARL BUTZ WAS REPRIMANDED BY PRESIDENT FORD FOR REFERRING TO

EARL BUTZ WAS REPRIMANDED BY PRESIDENT FORD FOR REFERRING TO BLACKS AS COLOREDS AND SAYING

PRESIDENT FORD FOR REFERRING TO BLACKS AS COLOREDS AND SAYING WHAT THEY WERE MOST CONCERNED

BLACKS AS COLOREDS AND SAYING WHAT THEY WERE MOST CONCERNED ABOUT WAS GOOD SEX, COMFORTABLE

WHAT THEY WERE MOST CONCERNED ABOUT WAS GOOD SEX, COMFORTABLE SHOES, AND A WARM PLACE TO GO TO

ABOUT WAS GOOD SEX, COMFORTABLE SHOES, AND A WARM PLACE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM.

SHOES, AND A WARM PLACE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM. BLACK SENATOR EDWARD BROOKE

THE BATHROOM. BLACK SENATOR EDWARD BROOKE CALLED FOR BUTZ'S RESIGNATION.

BLACK SENATOR EDWARD BROOKE CALLED FOR BUTZ'S RESIGNATION. BUTZ THEN APOLOGIZED TO

CALLED FOR BUTZ'S RESIGNATION. BUTZ THEN APOLOGIZED TO SENATOR BROOKE, REPORTEDLY

BUTZ THEN APOLOGIZED TO SENATOR BROOKE, REPORTEDLY SENDING A PEACE OFFERING OF A

SENATOR BROOKE, REPORTEDLY SENDING A PEACE OFFERING OF A BALE OF COTTON AND FIVE GALLONS

SENDING A PEACE OFFERING OF A BALE OF COTTON AND FIVE GALLONS OF HAIR STRAIGHTENER.

BALE OF COTTON AND FIVE GALLONS OF HAIR STRAIGHTENER. AND IN THE WORLD OF SPORTS,

OF HAIR STRAIGHTENER. AND IN THE WORLD OF SPORTS, MUHAMMAD ALI RETAINED HIS WORLD

AND IN THE WORLD OF SPORTS, MUHAMMAD ALI RETAINED HIS WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CROWN, WINNING A

MUHAMMAD ALI RETAINED HIS WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CROWN, WINNING A CONTROVERSIAL UNANIMOUS

HEAVYWEIGHT CROWN, WINNING A CONTROVERSIAL UNANIMOUS DECISION OVER CHALLENGER

CONTROVERSIAL UNANIMOUS DECISION OVER CHALLENGER KEN NORTON.

OVER 36,000 FANS PAID THEIR WAY

INTO YANKEE STADIUM TO SEE IF

ALI, A 9-5 FAVORITE, COULD

WITHSTAND THE POWERFUL PUNCHES

OF YOUTHFUL KEN NORTON.

IN THE EARLY ROUNDS, IT WAS ALI, WHO SCORED HEAVILY WITH HIS DANCING AND LANDING SEVERAL

WHO SCORED HEAVILY WITH HIS DANCING AND LANDING SEVERAL BLOWS TO NORTON'S HEAD.

DANCING AND LANDING SEVERAL BLOWS TO NORTON'S HEAD. AND IT WAS ONLY LATER IN THE

BLOWS TO NORTON'S HEAD. AND IT WAS ONLY LATER IN THE FIGHT WHEN NORTON'S MANAGER

AND IT WAS ONLY LATER IN THE FIGHT WHEN NORTON'S MANAGER URGED HIM BETWEEN ROUNDS THAT

FIGHT WHEN NORTON'S MANAGER URGED HIM BETWEEN ROUNDS THAT NORTON CAME OUT SLUGGING AND

URGED HIM BETWEEN ROUNDS THAT NORTON CAME OUT SLUGGING AND TURNED THE COURSE OF THE FIGHT

NORTON CAME OUT SLUGGING AND TURNED THE COURSE OF THE FIGHT AROUND TO THE POINT WHERE THE

TURNED THE COURSE OF THE FIGHT AROUND TO THE POINT WHERE THE CROWD AND NEWSPAPER REPORTERS

AROUND TO THE POINT WHERE THE CROWD AND NEWSPAPER REPORTERS FELT THAT NORTON WAS THE WINNER.

CROWD AND NEWSPAPER REPORTERS FELT THAT NORTON WAS THE WINNER. BUT IN THE END, IT WAS ALI WHO

FELT THAT NORTON WAS THE WINNER. BUT IN THE END, IT WAS ALI WHO GOT THE DECISION AND OFFICIALLY

BUT IN THE END, IT WAS ALI WHO GOT THE DECISION AND OFFICIALLY RETAINED HIS HEAVYWEIGHT CROWN.

GOT THE DECISION AND OFFICIALLY RETAINED HIS HEAVYWEIGHT CROWN. IN THE AFTERMATH OF THE

RETAINED HIS HEAVYWEIGHT CROWN. IN THE AFTERMATH OF THE CONTROVERSIAL DECISION, ALI HAS

IN THE AFTERMATH OF THE CONTROVERSIAL DECISION, ALI HAS ONCE AGAIN ANNOUNCED HIS

CONTROVERSIAL DECISION, ALI HAS ONCE AGAIN ANNOUNCED HIS RETIREMENT FROM THE RING,

ONCE AGAIN ANNOUNCED HIS RETIREMENT FROM THE RING, STATING THAT HE IS OLD, HE'S

RETIREMENT FROM THE RING, STATING THAT HE IS OLD, HE'S LOST HIS PUNCH AND LOOKS FORWARD

STATING THAT HE IS OLD, HE'S LOST HIS PUNCH AND LOOKS FORWARD TO SETTLING DOWN TO A LIFE OF

LOST HIS PUNCH AND LOOKS FORWARD TO SETTLING DOWN TO A LIFE OF GOOD SEX, COMFORTABLE SHOES, AND

TO SETTLING DOWN TO A LIFE OF GOOD SEX, COMFORTABLE SHOES, AND A WARM PLACE TO GO TO THE

GOOD SEX, COMFORTABLE SHOES, AND A WARM PLACE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM.

A WARM PLACE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM. THE SOCIETY OF GOOD TASTE HAS

BATHROOM. THE SOCIETY OF GOOD TASTE HAS FILED OFFICIAL COMPLAINTS WITH

THE SOCIETY OF GOOD TASTE HAS FILED OFFICIAL COMPLAINTS WITH TELEVISION NETWORKS PROTESTING

FILED OFFICIAL COMPLAINTS WITH TELEVISION NETWORKS PROTESTING THE CONTENT OF RECENT TELEVISION

TELEVISION NETWORKS PROTESTING THE CONTENT OF RECENT TELEVISION SHOWS.

THE CONTENT OF RECENT TELEVISION SHOWS. THOSE IN QUESTION ARE EPISODES

SHOWS. THOSE IN QUESTION ARE EPISODES IN WHICH, RESPECTIVELY,

THOSE IN QUESTION ARE EPISODES IN WHICH, RESPECTIVELY, CARROLL O'CONNOR HAD AN AFFAIR,

IN WHICH, RESPECTIVELY, CARROLL O'CONNOR HAD AN AFFAIR, CLORIS LEACHMAN BECAME PREGNANT,

CARROLL O'CONNOR HAD AN AFFAIR, CLORIS LEACHMAN BECAME PREGNANT, AND TELLY SAVALAS WAS BALD.

CLORIS LEACHMAN BECAME PREGNANT, AND TELLY SAVALAS WAS BALD. WEST POINT ANNOUNCED THAT ITS

AND TELLY SAVALAS WAS BALD. WEST POINT ANNOUNCED THAT ITS STUDENT BODY WILL BE VOTING THIS

WEST POINT ANNOUNCED THAT ITS STUDENT BODY WILL BE VOTING THIS MONTH AS TO WHETHER OR NOT THEY

STUDENT BODY WILL BE VOTING THIS MONTH AS TO WHETHER OR NOT THEY WANT A CHANGE IN THE ACADEMY'S

MONTH AS TO WHETHER OR NOT THEY WANT A CHANGE IN THE ACADEMY'S HONOR CODE.

WANT A CHANGE IN THE ACADEMY'S HONOR CODE. IN THE WAKE OF A WIDESPREAD

HONOR CODE. IN THE WAKE OF A WIDESPREAD CHEATING SCANDAL, THEY WILL ALSO

IN THE WAKE OF A WIDESPREAD CHEATING SCANDAL, THEY WILL ALSO REEVALUATE THE RULE OF MANDATORY

CHEATING SCANDAL, THEY WILL ALSO REEVALUATE THE RULE OF MANDATORY EXPULSION OF HONOR-CODE

REEVALUATE THE RULE OF MANDATORY EXPULSION OF HONOR-CODE VIOLATORS.

EXPULSION OF HONOR-CODE VIOLATORS. THUS FAR, THE TURNOUT HAS BEEN

VIOLATORS. THUS FAR, THE TURNOUT HAS BEEN HEAVY, WITH 412 CADETS CASTING

THUS FAR, THE TURNOUT HAS BEEN HEAVY, WITH 412 CADETS CASTING OVER 900 VOTES.

HEAVY, WITH 412 CADETS CASTING OVER 900 VOTES. WELL, VANDALISM STRUCK THE WORLD

OVER 900 VOTES. WELL, VANDALISM STRUCK THE WORLD OF ART TODAY.

WELL, VANDALISM STRUCK THE WORLD OF ART TODAY. FOR MORE ON THIS STORY, WE TAKE

OF ART TODAY. FOR MORE ON THIS STORY, WE TAKE YOU TO FLORENCE, ITALY, WITH

FOR MORE ON THIS STORY, WE TAKE YOU TO FLORENCE, ITALY, WITH CORRESPONDENT GARRETT MORRIS.

JANE, I'M STANDING IN A

HISTORIC PLACE, WHICH HAS MANY

WORKS OF PRICELESS ART.

IF YOU REMEMBER, A FEW YEARS

AGO, IN ROME, SOMEONE DAMAGED

MICHELANGELO'S "PIETà."

WELL, AGAIN, A BRUTAL ACT OCCURRED HERE THIS MORNING WHEN A MAN WIELDING A HAMMER AND

OCCURRED HERE THIS MORNING WHEN A MAN WIELDING A HAMMER AND CHISEL SNUCK INTO THIS MUSEUM

A MAN WIELDING A HAMMER AND CHISEL SNUCK INTO THIS MUSEUM AND, WHEN THE GUARDS WEREN'T

CHISEL SNUCK INTO THIS MUSEUM AND, WHEN THE GUARDS WEREN'T LOOKING, CIRCUMCISED THE STATUE

AND, WHEN THE GUARDS WEREN'T LOOKING, CIRCUMCISED THE STATUE OF DAVID.

LOOKING, CIRCUMCISED THE STATUE OF DAVID. NOW, POLICE ARE AT A COMPLETE

OF DAVID. NOW, POLICE ARE AT A COMPLETE LOSS AS TO WHO DID IT.

NOW, POLICE ARE AT A COMPLETE LOSS AS TO WHO DID IT. AND WHILE IT MAY HAVE BEEN DONE

LOSS AS TO WHO DID IT. AND WHILE IT MAY HAVE BEEN DONE FOR HEALTH REASONS, MUSEUM

AND WHILE IT MAY HAVE BEEN DONE FOR HEALTH REASONS, MUSEUM OFFICIALS DOUBT THAT THE STATUE

FOR HEALTH REASONS, MUSEUM OFFICIALS DOUBT THAT THE STATUE WILL EVER REALLY BE THE SAME.

OFFICIALS DOUBT THAT THE STATUE WILL EVER REALLY BE THE SAME. THIS IS RABBI MYI PICK.

WILL EVER REALLY BE THE SAME. THIS IS RABBI MYI PICK. TELL ME, RABBI, IT'S COVERED

THIS IS RABBI MYI PICK. TELL ME, RABBI, IT'S COVERED RIGHT NOW, BUT DID YOU SEE THE

TELL ME, RABBI, IT'S COVERED RIGHT NOW, BUT DID YOU SEE THE STATUE BEFORE THE BANDAGE WAS

RIGHT NOW, BUT DID YOU SEE THE STATUE BEFORE THE BANDAGE WAS APPLIED?

STATUE BEFORE THE BANDAGE WAS APPLIED? YES, I DID.

APPLIED? YES, I DID. UH-HUH.

YES, I DID. UH-HUH. AND AS A CLERGYMAN, WHAT DO YOU

UH-HUH. AND AS A CLERGYMAN, WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE CULPRIT'S ACT?

AND AS A CLERGYMAN, WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE CULPRIT'S ACT? IN MY OPINION, HE DID A

THINK OF THE CULPRIT'S ACT? IN MY OPINION, HE DID A BEAUTIFUL JOB.

IN MY OPINION, HE DID A BEAUTIFUL JOB. UH, THIS IS GARRETT MORRIS

BEAUTIFUL JOB. UH, THIS IS GARRETT MORRIS REPORTING.

UH, THIS IS GARRETT MORRIS REPORTING. NOW BACK TO YOU, JANE.

REPORTING. NOW BACK TO YOU, JANE. STILL TO COME, SYRIAN

NOW BACK TO YOU, JANE. STILL TO COME, SYRIAN PIÑATAS, AFTER THIS MESSAGE.

HI.

I'VE GOT A HEADACHE.

AND WHY SHOULDN'T I HAVE?

I WORK HARD AS THE OWNER OF A

LARGE DRUGSTORE CHAIN.

I MAKE A LOT OF DECISIONS.

I EARN MY HEADACHES.

WHEN I GET ONE HEADACHE, I HAVE TO GET RID OF IT FAST TO MAKE ROOM FOR THE NEXT ONE.

TO GET RID OF IT FAST TO MAKE ROOM FOR THE NEXT ONE. THAT'S WHY I NEED SUPER-FAST

ROOM FOR THE NEXT ONE. THAT'S WHY I NEED SUPER-FAST HEADACHE RELIEF.

THAT'S WHY I NEED SUPER-FAST HEADACHE RELIEF. I KNOW THAT ASPIRIN IS EFFECTIVE

HEADACHE RELIEF. I KNOW THAT ASPIRIN IS EFFECTIVE IN MANY MILD CASES AND THAT

I KNOW THAT ASPIRIN IS EFFECTIVE IN MANY MILD CASES AND THAT BUFFERED ASPIRIN IS EFFECTIVE IN

IN MANY MILD CASES AND THAT BUFFERED ASPIRIN IS EFFECTIVE IN CASES WHERE PAIN AND DISCOMFORT

BUFFERED ASPIRIN IS EFFECTIVE IN CASES WHERE PAIN AND DISCOMFORT ARE STRONGER.

CASES WHERE PAIN AND DISCOMFORT ARE STRONGER. FOR THAT SUPER-FAST RELIEF THAT

ARE STRONGER. FOR THAT SUPER-FAST RELIEF THAT I NEED, I CALL IN A

FOR THAT SUPER-FAST RELIEF THAT I NEED, I CALL IN A SPECIALIST... EPIFIX, FROM

I NEED, I CALL IN A SPECIALIST... EPIFIX, FROM LOBECON.

SPECIALIST... EPIFIX, FROM LOBECON. EPIFIX HEADACHE REMEDY COMES

LOBECON. EPIFIX HEADACHE REMEDY COMES WITH INJECTOR AND FIVE HEADACHE

EPIFIX HEADACHE REMEDY COMES WITH INJECTOR AND FIVE HEADACHE CARTRIDGES.

WITH INJECTOR AND FIVE HEADACHE CARTRIDGES. EACH EPIFIX HEADACHE CARTRIDGE

CARTRIDGES. EACH EPIFIX HEADACHE CARTRIDGE CONTAINS 200 MICROGRAMS OF

EACH EPIFIX HEADACHE CARTRIDGE CONTAINS 200 MICROGRAMS OF ACETYLSALICYLIC ACID AND 200

CONTAINS 200 MICROGRAMS OF ACETYLSALICYLIC ACID AND 200 MICROGRAMS OF

ACETYLSALICYLIC ACID AND 200 MICROGRAMS OF METHYLPHENIDATE HYDROCHLORIDE

MICROGRAMS OF METHYLPHENIDATE HYDROCHLORIDE POWDER FOR FAST, FAST, FAST

METHYLPHENIDATE HYDROCHLORIDE POWDER FOR FAST, FAST, FAST RELIEF.

POWDER FOR FAST, FAST, FAST RELIEF. AND IT'S EASY TO USE.

AAH! YOU CAN FEEL THE RELIEF. Announcer: EPIFIX HEADACHE

YOU CAN FEEL THE RELIEF. Announcer: EPIFIX HEADACHE CARTRIDGE KIT ON SALE AT

Announcer: EPIFIX HEADACHE CARTRIDGE KIT ON SALE AT DRUGSTORES EVERYWHERE.

WELL, CARTOON HISTORY WAS MADE THIS WEEK WHEN A CHARACTER IN THE COMIC STRIP "MARY WORTH"

MADE THIS WEEK WHEN A CHARACTER IN THE COMIC STRIP "MARY WORTH" BECAME PREGNANT OUT OF WEDLOCK.

IN THE COMIC STRIP "MARY WORTH" BECAME PREGNANT OUT OF WEDLOCK. AT FIRST, IT WAS REPORTED THAT

BECAME PREGNANT OUT OF WEDLOCK. AT FIRST, IT WAS REPORTED THAT THE FATHER WAS BOB, ANOTHER

AT FIRST, IT WAS REPORTED THAT THE FATHER WAS BOB, ANOTHER "MARY WORTH" CHARACTER, BUT

THE FATHER WAS BOB, ANOTHER "MARY WORTH" CHARACTER, BUT RESULTS OF AN INK TEST NOW

"MARY WORTH" CHARACTER, BUT RESULTS OF AN INK TEST NOW DISPROVE THIS.

RESULTS OF AN INK TEST NOW DISPROVE THIS. KING FEATURES, THE SYNDICATE

DISPROVE THIS. KING FEATURES, THE SYNDICATE THAT DISTRIBUTES "MARY WORTH" IS

KING FEATURES, THE SYNDICATE THAT DISTRIBUTES "MARY WORTH" IS QUESTIONING OTHER CHARACTERS AS

THAT DISTRIBUTES "MARY WORTH" IS QUESTIONING OTHER CHARACTERS AS TO WHO THE REAL FATHER IS.

QUESTIONING OTHER CHARACTERS AS TO WHO THE REAL FATHER IS. THOSE UNDER SUSPICION INCLUDE

TO WHO THE REAL FATHER IS. THOSE UNDER SUSPICION INCLUDE MUTT AND JEFF, DAGWOOD BUMSTEAD,

THOSE UNDER SUSPICION INCLUDE MUTT AND JEFF, DAGWOOD BUMSTEAD, AND COLUMNIST JACK ANDERSON.

MUTT AND JEFF, DAGWOOD BUMSTEAD, AND COLUMNIST JACK ANDERSON. A CORRECTION IN A STORY THAT WAS

AND COLUMNIST JACK ANDERSON. A CORRECTION IN A STORY THAT WAS REPORTED IN "UPDATE" LAST WEEK.

IN A REPORT RELEASED YESTERDAY, A CONGRESSIONAL COMMITTEE INVESTIGATING THE EFFECTS OF

A CONGRESSIONAL COMMITTEE INVESTIGATING THE EFFECTS OF VIOLENCE ON TELEVISION CAME TO

INVESTIGATING THE EFFECTS OF VIOLENCE ON TELEVISION CAME TO THE SURPRISING CONCLUSION THAT

VIOLENCE ON TELEVISION CAME TO THE SURPRISING CONCLUSION THAT THERE WAS NOT ENOUGH VIOLENCE ON

THE SURPRISING CONCLUSION THAT THERE WAS NOT ENOUGH VIOLENCE ON TELEVISION.

THERE WAS NOT ENOUGH VIOLENCE ON TELEVISION. AMONG THEIR SUGGESTIONS TO

TELEVISION. AMONG THEIR SUGGESTIONS TO REMEDY THE SITUATION, THE

AMONG THEIR SUGGESTIONS TO REMEDY THE SITUATION, THE COMMITTEE RECOMMENDS PUNCHING

REMEDY THE SITUATION, THE COMMITTEE RECOMMENDS PUNCHING DINAH SHORE IN THE FACE, PLACING

COMMITTEE RECOMMENDS PUNCHING DINAH SHORE IN THE FACE, PLACING LORENZO AND HENRIETTA MUSIC IN A

DINAH SHORE IN THE FACE, PLACING LORENZO AND HENRIETTA MUSIC IN A TRASH MASHER, AND BEATING THE

LORENZO AND HENRIETTA MUSIC IN A TRASH MASHER, AND BEATING THE WALTONS TO DEATH WITH A SOFTBALL

TRASH MASHER, AND BEATING THE WALTONS TO DEATH WITH A SOFTBALL BAT.

WALTONS TO DEATH WITH A SOFTBALL BAT. AND OUR FINAL STORY...

BAT. AND OUR FINAL STORY... "THE JOHNNY CARSON SHOW"

AND OUR FINAL STORY... "THE JOHNNY CARSON SHOW" CELEBRATED ITS 14th ANNIVERSARY

"THE JOHNNY CARSON SHOW" CELEBRATED ITS 14th ANNIVERSARY LAST NIGHT, AND THE PRODUCERS

CELEBRATED ITS 14th ANNIVERSARY LAST NIGHT, AND THE PRODUCERS WERE KIND ENOUGH TO SHARE WITH

LAST NIGHT, AND THE PRODUCERS WERE KIND ENOUGH TO SHARE WITH US ONE OF THOSE HILARIOUS

WERE KIND ENOUGH TO SHARE WITH US ONE OF THOSE HILARIOUS SPONTANEOUS MOMENTS THAT TV

US ONE OF THOSE HILARIOUS SPONTANEOUS MOMENTS THAT TV AUDIENCES HAVE TREASURED

SPONTANEOUS MOMENTS THAT TV AUDIENCES HAVE TREASURED THROUGHOUT THE YEARS.

AUDIENCES HAVE TREASURED THROUGHOUT THE YEARS. OF COURSE, I'M SPEAKING ABOUT

THROUGHOUT THE YEARS. OF COURSE, I'M SPEAKING ABOUT THE TIME WHEN ACTOR/SINGER

OF COURSE, I'M SPEAKING ABOUT THE TIME WHEN ACTOR/SINGER ED AMES DEMONSTRATED HOW TO

THE TIME WHEN ACTOR/SINGER ED AMES DEMONSTRATED HOW TO THROW AN AX.

ED AMES DEMONSTRATED HOW TO THROW AN AX. ARE WE SET WITH THAT FILM?

THROW AN AX. ARE WE SET WITH THAT FILM? OKAY, LET'S WATCH THE FUN.

ARE WE SET WITH THAT FILM? OKAY, LET'S WATCH THE FUN. OKAY, HERE HE IS, LADIES AND

OKAY, LET'S WATCH THE FUN. OKAY, HERE HE IS, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THE LAST OF THE

OKAY, HERE HE IS, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THE LAST OF THE JEWISH COMEDIANS.

GENTLEMEN, THE LAST OF THE JEWISH COMEDIANS. [APPLAUSE]

JEWISH COMEDIANS. [APPLAUSE] LOOKS LIKE A NEW SHOW CALLED

[APPLAUSE] LOOKS LIKE A NEW SHOW CALLED "FRONTIER SISSY."

LOOKS LIKE A NEW SHOW CALLED "FRONTIER SISSY." [LAUGHTER]

"FRONTIER SISSY." [LAUGHTER] GO AHEAD, ED.

[LAUGHTER] GO AHEAD, ED. OKAY, JOHNNY.

GO AHEAD, ED. OKAY, JOHNNY. I NEVER MISS THIS ONE.

OKAY, JOHNNY. I NEVER MISS THIS ONE. OKAY, READY?

I NEVER MISS THIS ONE. OKAY, READY? HEY, DOC, NICE COAT.

OKAY, READY? HEY, DOC, NICE COAT. OKAY, HOW ABOUT A LITTLE

HEY, DOC, NICE COAT. OKAY, HOW ABOUT A LITTLE DRUMROLL?

OKAY, HOW ABOUT A LITTLE DRUMROLL? [DRUMROLL]

DRUMROLL? [DRUMROLL] AAH!

[LAUGHING] CONGRATULATIONS, JOHNNY. IT JUST GETS FUNNIER EVERY TIME

CONGRATULATIONS, JOHNNY. IT JUST GETS FUNNIER EVERY TIME I SEE IT.

IT JUST GETS FUNNIER EVERY TIME I SEE IT. AND WE'RE ALL LOOKING FORWARD TO

I SEE IT. AND WE'RE ALL LOOKING FORWARD TO ANOTHER 14 OF THE SAME.

AND WE'RE ALL LOOKING FORWARD TO ANOTHER 14 OF THE SAME. AND TO OUR VIEWERS, GOOD NIGHT

ANOTHER 14 OF THE SAME. AND TO OUR VIEWERS, GOOD NIGHT AND HAVE A PLEASANT TOMORROW.

HI, I'M LORNE MICHAELS.

SEVERAL MONTHS AGO, I MADE A

BONA FIDE OFFER OF $3,000 TO THE

BEATLES TO PERFORM ON

"SATURDAY NIGHT."

FOR MONTHS, THERE WAS NO RESPONSE. AND THEN, ABOUT TWO WEEKS AGO, I

RESPONSE. AND THEN, ABOUT TWO WEEKS AGO, I GOT A LONG-DISTANCE PHONE CALL

AND THEN, ABOUT TWO WEEKS AGO, I GOT A LONG-DISTANCE PHONE CALL FROM ERIC IDLE, TONIGHT'S HOST,

GOT A LONG-DISTANCE PHONE CALL FROM ERIC IDLE, TONIGHT'S HOST, IN LONDON, SAYING THAT IF I

FROM ERIC IDLE, TONIGHT'S HOST, IN LONDON, SAYING THAT IF I WOULD LET HIM COME OVER AND HOST

IN LONDON, SAYING THAT IF I WOULD LET HIM COME OVER AND HOST THE SHOW, HE WOULD BRING THE

WOULD LET HIM COME OVER AND HOST THE SHOW, HE WOULD BRING THE BEATLES WITH HIM.

THE SHOW, HE WOULD BRING THE BEATLES WITH HIM. WELL, IN MY EXCITEMENT, I AGREED

BEATLES WITH HIM. WELL, IN MY EXCITEMENT, I AGREED AND FOOLISHLY SENT HIM THE CHECK

WELL, IN MY EXCITEMENT, I AGREED AND FOOLISHLY SENT HIM THE CHECK FOR $3,000.

AND FOOLISHLY SENT HIM THE CHECK FOR $3,000. YOU SEE, HE SAID THE BEATLES

FOR $3,000. YOU SEE, HE SAID THE BEATLES WANTED THE MONEY IN ADVANCE SO

YOU SEE, HE SAID THE BEATLES WANTED THE MONEY IN ADVANCE SO THAT THEY COULD BUY SOME NEW

WANTED THE MONEY IN ADVANCE SO THAT THEY COULD BUY SOME NEW CLOTHES TO WEAR ON THE SHOW.

THAT THEY COULD BUY SOME NEW CLOTHES TO WEAR ON THE SHOW. WELL, WHEN I MET ERIC AT THE

CLOTHES TO WEAR ON THE SHOW. WELL, WHEN I MET ERIC AT THE AIRPORT LAST MONDAY, I NOTICED

WELL, WHEN I MET ERIC AT THE AIRPORT LAST MONDAY, I NOTICED THAT HE WAS ALONE, SO I SAID,

AIRPORT LAST MONDAY, I NOTICED THAT HE WAS ALONE, SO I SAID, "WHERE ARE THEY, THE BEATLES?"

THAT HE WAS ALONE, SO I SAID, "WHERE ARE THEY, THE BEATLES?" AND HE SAID THAT THEIR NEW

"WHERE ARE THEY, THE BEATLES?" AND HE SAID THAT THEIR NEW CLOTHES WEREN'T READY YET, SO

AND HE SAID THAT THEIR NEW CLOTHES WEREN'T READY YET, SO THEY WERE GOING TO CATCH A LATER

CLOTHES WEREN'T READY YET, SO THEY WERE GOING TO CATCH A LATER FLIGHT.

THEY WERE GOING TO CATCH A LATER FLIGHT. I STILL DIDN'T THINK ANYTHING

FLIGHT. I STILL DIDN'T THINK ANYTHING WAS WRONG TILL YESTERDAY WHEN A

I STILL DIDN'T THINK ANYTHING WAS WRONG TILL YESTERDAY WHEN A TELEGRAM ARRIVED SAYING, "CAN'T

WAS WRONG TILL YESTERDAY WHEN A TELEGRAM ARRIVED SAYING, "CAN'T COME NOW.

TELEGRAM ARRIVED SAYING, "CAN'T COME NOW. RINGO'S PANTS TOO LONG. STOP.

COME NOW. RINGO'S PANTS TOO LONG. STOP. PLEASE SEND MORE MONEY FOR

RINGO'S PANTS TOO LONG. STOP. PLEASE SEND MORE MONEY FOR ALTERATIONS.

PLEASE SEND MORE MONEY FOR ALTERATIONS. STOP. SIGNED THE BEATLES."

ALTERATIONS. STOP. SIGNED THE BEATLES." WHEN I SHOWED THE TELEGRAM TO

STOP. SIGNED THE BEATLES." WHEN I SHOWED THE TELEGRAM TO ERIC, HE SAID HE WOULD CALL

WHEN I SHOWED THE TELEGRAM TO ERIC, HE SAID HE WOULD CALL LONDON IMMEDIATELY AND DID AND

ERIC, HE SAID HE WOULD CALL LONDON IMMEDIATELY AND DID AND CONVINCED JOHN, PAUL, GEORGE,

LONDON IMMEDIATELY AND DID AND CONVINCED JOHN, PAUL, GEORGE, AND RINGO TO SEND OVER A FILM

CONVINCED JOHN, PAUL, GEORGE, AND RINGO TO SEND OVER A FILM INSTEAD.

AND RINGO TO SEND OVER A FILM INSTEAD. WELL, 20 MINUTES AGO, THE FILM

INSTEAD. WELL, 20 MINUTES AGO, THE FILM ARRIVED FROM ENGLAND.

WELL, 20 MINUTES AGO, THE FILM ARRIVED FROM ENGLAND. I JUST SAW IT, AND IT'S QUITE

ARRIVED FROM ENGLAND. I JUST SAW IT, AND IT'S QUITE GOOD, ONLY IT'S NOT THE BEATLES.

I JUST SAW IT, AND IT'S QUITE GOOD, ONLY IT'S NOT THE BEATLES. IT'S THE RUTLES.

GOOD, ONLY IT'S NOT THE BEATLES. IT'S THE RUTLES. EVIDENTLY, ERIC HAD A BAD PHONE

IT'S THE RUTLES. EVIDENTLY, ERIC HAD A BAD PHONE CONNECTION TO LONDON AND, WELL,

EVIDENTLY, ERIC HAD A BAD PHONE CONNECTION TO LONDON AND, WELL, ANYWAY, IT'S HALFWAY THROUGH THE

CONNECTION TO LONDON AND, WELL, ANYWAY, IT'S HALFWAY THROUGH THE SHOW AND ERIC'S ALREADY SPENT

ANYWAY, IT'S HALFWAY THROUGH THE SHOW AND ERIC'S ALREADY SPENT THE $3,000.

SHOW AND ERIC'S ALREADY SPENT THE $3,000. SO, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, HERE

THE $3,000. SO, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, HERE ARE THE RUTLES.

♪ I FEEL RICH, I FEEL POOR ♪ ♪ I'M IN DOUBT, I FEEL SURE ♪ ♪ YOU THINK I'M IN LOVE? ♪

♪ I'M IN DOUBT, I FEEL SURE ♪ ♪ YOU THINK I'M IN LOVE? ♪ ♪ AHH, AHH ♪

♪ YOU THINK I'M IN LOVE? ♪ ♪ AHH, AHH ♪ ♪ OH, I MUST BE IN LOVE ♪

♪ AHH, AHH ♪ ♪ OH, I MUST BE IN LOVE ♪ ♪ ANY TIME OF THE DAY,

♪ OH, I MUST BE IN LOVE ♪ ♪ ANY TIME OF THE DAY, I CAN SEE ♪

♪ ANY TIME OF THE DAY, I CAN SEE ♪ ♪ I CAN SEE ♪

I CAN SEE ♪ ♪ I CAN SEE ♪ ♪ HER FACE ♪

♪ I CAN SEE ♪ ♪ HER FACE ♪ ♪ WHEN I CLOSE MY EYES ♪

♪ HER FACE ♪ ♪ WHEN I CLOSE MY EYES ♪ ♪ WHOO ♪

♪ WHEN I CLOSE MY EYES ♪ ♪ WHOO ♪ ♪ SHE'S A DREAM ♪

♪ WHOO ♪ ♪ SHE'S A DREAM ♪ ♪ SHE IS REAL ♪

♪ SHE'S A DREAM ♪ ♪ SHE IS REAL ♪ ♪ I CAN'T EXPLAIN ♪

♪ SHE IS REAL ♪ ♪ I CAN'T EXPLAIN ♪ ♪ HOW I FEEL ♪

♪ I CAN'T EXPLAIN ♪ ♪ HOW I FEEL ♪ ♪ I'M IN LOVE ♪

♪ HOW I FEEL ♪ ♪ I'M IN LOVE ♪ ♪ AHH, AHH ♪

♪ I'M IN LOVE ♪ ♪ AHH, AHH ♪ ♪ I MUST BE IN LOVE ♪

♪ ANY TIME OF THE DAY, I CAN SEE ♪ ♪ I CAN SEE ♪

I CAN SEE ♪ ♪ I CAN SEE ♪ ♪ HER FACE ♪

♪ I CAN SEE ♪ ♪ HER FACE ♪ ♪ WHEN I CLOSE MY EYES ♪

♪ HER FACE ♪ ♪ WHEN I CLOSE MY EYES ♪ ♪ WHOO ♪

♪ WHEN I CLOSE MY EYES ♪ ♪ WHOO ♪ ♪ AM I DEAD? ♪

♪ WHOO ♪ ♪ AM I DEAD? ♪ ♪ OR ALIVE? ♪

♪ AM I DEAD? ♪ ♪ OR ALIVE? ♪ ♪ CAN MY POOR HEART SURVIVE? ♪

♪ OR ALIVE? ♪ ♪ CAN MY POOR HEART SURVIVE? ♪ ♪ AM I IN LOVE? ♪

♪ CAN MY POOR HEART SURVIVE? ♪ ♪ AM I IN LOVE? ♪ ♪ AHH, AHH ♪

♪ AM I IN LOVE? ♪ ♪ AHH, AHH ♪ ♪ I MUST BE IN LOVE ♪

♪ AHH, AHH ♪ ♪ I MUST BE IN LOVE ♪ ♪ I FEEL GOOD, I FEEL BAD ♪

♪ I MUST BE IN LOVE ♪ ♪ I FEEL GOOD, I FEEL BAD ♪ ♪ I FEEL HAPPY, I FEEL SAD ♪

♪ I FEEL GOOD, I FEEL BAD ♪ ♪ I FEEL HAPPY, I FEEL SAD ♪ ♪ AM I IN LOVE? ♪

♪ I FEEL HAPPY, I FEEL SAD ♪ ♪ AM I IN LOVE? ♪ ♪ AHH, AHH ♪

♪ AM I IN LOVE? ♪ ♪ AHH, AHH ♪ ♪ I MUST BE IN LOVE ♪

♪ AHH, AHH ♪ ♪ I MUST BE IN LOVE ♪ ♪ I MUST BE IN LOVE ♪

♪ I MUST BE IN LOVE ♪ ♪ I MUST BE IN LOVE ♪ [WOMEN SCREAMING]

THE FABULOUS RUTLES THERE IN THEIR MOVIE "A HARD DAY'S RUT," DIRECTED BY DICK LESTER, WHICH

THEIR MOVIE "A HARD DAY'S RUT," DIRECTED BY DICK LESTER, WHICH IS VERY NEAR RUTLAND.

DIRECTED BY DICK LESTER, WHICH IS VERY NEAR RUTLAND. FROM THESE STREETS, VERY CLOSE

IS VERY NEAR RUTLAND. FROM THESE STREETS, VERY CLOSE TO THE CAVERN RUTLAND, CAME THE

FROM THESE STREETS, VERY CLOSE TO THE CAVERN RUTLAND, CAME THE FABULOUS RUTLAND SOUND CREATED

TO THE CAVERN RUTLAND, CAME THE FABULOUS RUTLAND SOUND CREATED BY THE FAB FOUR... DIRK, NASTY,

FABULOUS RUTLAND SOUND CREATED BY THE FAB FOUR... DIRK, NASTY, STIG, AND BARRY, WHO CREATED A

BY THE FAB FOUR... DIRK, NASTY, STIG, AND BARRY, WHO CREATED A MUSICAL LEGEND THAT WILL LAST A

STIG, AND BARRY, WHO CREATED A MUSICAL LEGEND THAT WILL LAST A LUNCHTIME.

MUSICAL LEGEND THAT WILL LAST A LUNCHTIME. THEY WERE DISCOVERED BY THEIR

LUNCHTIME. THEY WERE DISCOVERED BY THEIR MANAGER, LEGGY MOUNTBATTEN, IN A

THEY WERE DISCOVERED BY THEIR MANAGER, LEGGY MOUNTBATTEN, IN A LUNCHTIME DISCO VERY CLOSE TO

MANAGER, LEGGY MOUNTBATTEN, IN A LUNCHTIME DISCO VERY CLOSE TO THESE STREETS.

LUNCHTIME DISCO VERY CLOSE TO THESE STREETS. THEIR FIRST ALBUM WAS MADE IN 20

THESE STREETS. THEIR FIRST ALBUM WAS MADE IN 20 MINUTES.

THEIR FIRST ALBUM WAS MADE IN 20 MINUTES. THE SECOND TOOK EVEN LONGER.

MINUTES. THE SECOND TOOK EVEN LONGER. TONIGHT, WE EXAMINE THE LEGEND

THE SECOND TOOK EVEN LONGER. TONIGHT, WE EXAMINE THE LEGEND OF THE RUTLES.

TONIGHT, WE EXAMINE THE LEGEND OF THE RUTLES. WE LOOK AT THEIR LIVES, THEIR

OF THE RUTLES. WE LOOK AT THEIR LIVES, THEIR LOVES, THEIR MUSIC.

WE LOOK AT THEIR LIVES, THEIR LOVES, THEIR MUSIC. WE EXAMINE SOME OF THE PROBLEMS

LOVES, THEIR MUSIC. WE EXAMINE SOME OF THE PROBLEMS THAT MADE THEM WHAT THEY ARE

WE EXAMINE SOME OF THE PROBLEMS THAT MADE THEM WHAT THEY ARE TODAY.

THAT MADE THEM WHAT THEY ARE TODAY. WE WILL ALSO ASK THE QUESTION

TODAY. WE WILL ALSO ASK THE QUESTION WHETHER THESE PEOPLE SHOULDN'T

WE WILL ALSO ASK THE QUESTION WHETHER THESE PEOPLE SHOULDN'T REALLY HAVE BEEN DOING

WHETHER THESE PEOPLE SHOULDN'T REALLY HAVE BEEN DOING SOMETHING BETTER FOR THEIR

REALLY HAVE BEEN DOING SOMETHING BETTER FOR THEIR MONEY.

SOMETHING BETTER FOR THEIR MONEY. AND WE SHALL BE ASKING WHAT SOME

MONEY. AND WE SHALL BE ASKING WHAT SOME OF THE PEOPLE WHO WORK WITH

AND WE SHALL BE ASKING WHAT SOME OF THE PEOPLE WHO WORK WITH THEM, WHETHER THEY REALLY WERE

OF THE PEOPLE WHO WORK WITH THEM, WHETHER THEY REALLY WERE THE SORT OF NICE, LOVEABLE

THEM, WHETHER THEY REALLY WERE THE SORT OF NICE, LOVEABLE PEOPLE THAT THEY WERE MADE OUT

THE SORT OF NICE, LOVEABLE PEOPLE THAT THEY WERE MADE OUT TO BE.

PEOPLE THAT THEY WERE MADE OUT TO BE. TONIGHT, WE SHALL BE ALSO

TO BE. TONIGHT, WE SHALL BE ALSO SPEAKING TO MANY OF THE PEOPLE

TONIGHT, WE SHALL BE ALSO SPEAKING TO MANY OF THE PEOPLE WHO...

[German accent] ♪ THE BABE IN THE CRADLE IS CLOSING ITS EYES ♪

IN THE CRADLE IS CLOSING ITS EYES ♪ ♪ THE BLOSSOM EMBRACES THE BEE ♪

EYES ♪ ♪ THE BLOSSOM EMBRACES THE BEE ♪ ♪ THE MORNING WILL COME WHEN THE

♪ THE BLOSSOM EMBRACES THE BEE ♪ ♪ THE MORNING WILL COME WHEN THE WORLD IS MINE ♪

♪ THE MORNING WILL COME WHEN THE WORLD IS MINE ♪ ♪ TOMORROW BELONGS TO ME ♪

WORLD IS MINE ♪ ♪ TOMORROW BELONGS TO ME ♪ ♪ THE BRANCH IN THE LINDEN IS

♪ TOMORROW BELONGS TO ME ♪ ♪ THE BRANCH IN THE LINDEN IS LEAFY AND GREEN ♪

♪ THE BRANCH IN THE LINDEN IS LEAFY AND GREEN ♪ ♪ THE RHINE GIVES ITS GOLD TO

LEAFY AND GREEN ♪ ♪ THE RHINE GIVES ITS GOLD TO THE SEA ♪

♪ THE RHINE GIVES ITS GOLD TO THE SEA ♪ ♪ THE MORNING WILL COME WHEN THE

THE SEA ♪ ♪ THE MORNING WILL COME WHEN THE WORLD IS MINE ♪

♪ THE MORNING WILL COME WHEN THE WORLD IS MINE ♪ ♪ TOMORROW BELONGS ♪

WORLD IS MINE ♪ ♪ TOMORROW BELONGS ♪ ♪ TOMORROW BELONGS ♪

♪ TOMORROW BELONGS ♪ ♪ TOMORROW BELONGS ♪ ♪ TOMORROW BELONGS TO ME ♪

♪ TOMORROW BELONGS ♪ ♪ TOMORROW BELONGS TO ME ♪ HEIL HITLER.

♪ TOMORROW BELONGS TO ME ♪ HEIL HITLER. HEIL HITLER!

HEIL HITLER. HEIL HITLER! [TALKING OVER EACH OTHER]

[German accent] WOULD YOU CARE TO PURCHASE A PAIR OF MITTENS?

CARE TO PURCHASE A PAIR OF MITTENS? [German accent] IT DEPENDS

MITTENS? [German accent] IT DEPENDS ON THE YARN.

[German accent] IT DEPENDS ON THE YARN. IN ITALY, IT IS ILLEGAL TO

ON THE YARN. IN ITALY, IT IS ILLEGAL TO RECORD THE RING OF A TELEPHONE.

IN ITALY, IT IS ILLEGAL TO RECORD THE RING OF A TELEPHONE. WHICH LASTS LONGER... SILK OR

RECORD THE RING OF A TELEPHONE. WHICH LASTS LONGER... SILK OR RAYON UNDERWEAR?

WHICH LASTS LONGER... SILK OR RAYON UNDERWEAR? HOW DO YOU SAY "TOOTH POWDER"

RAYON UNDERWEAR? HOW DO YOU SAY "TOOTH POWDER" IN PORTUGUESE?

HOW DO YOU SAY "TOOTH POWDER" IN PORTUGUESE? CATS ARE NOTHING MORE THAN

IN PORTUGUESE? CATS ARE NOTHING MORE THAN EFFEMINATE DOGS.

CATS ARE NOTHING MORE THAN EFFEMINATE DOGS. THE FIREPLACE HAS FLOWN SOUTH

EFFEMINATE DOGS. THE FIREPLACE HAS FLOWN SOUTH FOR THE WINTER.

THE FIREPLACE HAS FLOWN SOUTH FOR THE WINTER. WHAT DO YOU SAY TO A

FOR THE WINTER. WHAT DO YOU SAY TO A CENTIPEDE ON OPENING NIGHT?

WHAT DO YOU SAY TO A CENTIPEDE ON OPENING NIGHT? BREAK FOUR OR FIVE LEGS.

CENTIPEDE ON OPENING NIGHT? BREAK FOUR OR FIVE LEGS. [Normal voice] HENDERSON, MI5.

BREAK FOUR OR FIVE LEGS. [Normal voice] HENDERSON, MI5. [Normal voice] McKINLEY,

[Normal voice] HENDERSON, MI5. [Normal voice] McKINLEY, O.S.S.

[Normal voice] McKINLEY, O.S.S. WE WERE AFRAID YOU'D BEEN TAKEN.

O.S.S. WE WERE AFRAID YOU'D BEEN TAKEN. WE HAD A NARROW SQUEAK AT

WE WERE AFRAID YOU'D BEEN TAKEN. WE HAD A NARROW SQUEAK AT BREMERHAVEN.

WE HAD A NARROW SQUEAK AT BREMERHAVEN. THEY GOT THE RADIO, I'M AFRAID.

BREMERHAVEN. THEY GOT THE RADIO, I'M AFRAID. CROSS IS DEAD, RITTENHOUSE,

THEY GOT THE RADIO, I'M AFRAID. CROSS IS DEAD, RITTENHOUSE, TOO.

CROSS IS DEAD, RITTENHOUSE, TOO. CRAIGER'S BEEN CAPTURED.

TOO. CRAIGER'S BEEN CAPTURED. WHAT ABOUT THE WINDMILL

CRAIGER'S BEEN CAPTURED. WHAT ABOUT THE WINDMILL KEEPER?

WHAT ABOUT THE WINDMILL KEEPER? WHAT WINDMILL KEEPER?

KEEPER? WHAT WINDMILL KEEPER? THE ONE THAT SIGNALS THE

WHAT WINDMILL KEEPER? THE ONE THAT SIGNALS THE R.A.F. BOMBERS BY LIGHTING THE

THE ONE THAT SIGNALS THE R.A.F. BOMBERS BY LIGHTING THE WHEAT.

R.A.F. BOMBERS BY LIGHTING THE WHEAT. WELL, THEY SHOT HIM

WHEAT. WELL, THEY SHOT HIM YESTERDAY.

WELL, THEY SHOT HIM YESTERDAY. WHAT LUCK?

YESTERDAY. WHAT LUCK? THAT MEANS WE FALL BACK ON

WHAT LUCK? THAT MEANS WE FALL BACK ON CONTINGENCY PLAN "N."

THAT MEANS WE FALL BACK ON CONTINGENCY PLAN "N." EXACTLY.

CONTINGENCY PLAN "N." EXACTLY. NOW, FIRST, WE MUST CONTACT

EXACTLY. NOW, FIRST, WE MUST CONTACT HEFFLER, THE LITTLE WATCHMAKER.

NOW, FIRST, WE MUST CONTACT HEFFLER, THE LITTLE WATCHMAKER. AND THEN [German accent] WE GO

HEFFLER, THE LITTLE WATCHMAKER. AND THEN [German accent] WE GO TO INGA'S PLACE UND WE SEE HER

AND THEN [German accent] WE GO TO INGA'S PLACE UND WE SEE HER CUCKOO CLOCK AND DRINK SOME

TO INGA'S PLACE UND WE SEE HER CUCKOO CLOCK AND DRINK SOME LIEBFRAUMILCH.

CUCKOO CLOCK AND DRINK SOME LIEBFRAUMILCH. [German accent] JA, THAT

LIEBFRAUMILCH. [German accent] JA, THAT INGA, SHE'S ONE HELL OF A

[German accent] JA, THAT INGA, SHE'S ONE HELL OF A FRAEULEIN.

INGA, SHE'S ONE HELL OF A FRAEULEIN. OH, JA.

FRAEULEIN. OH, JA. [Normal accent] HEFFLER WILL

OH, JA. [Normal accent] HEFFLER WILL GIVE US FORGED PASSPORTS AND TWO

[Normal accent] HEFFLER WILL GIVE US FORGED PASSPORTS AND TWO SECOND-CLASS RAILWAY TICKETS TO

GIVE US FORGED PASSPORTS AND TWO SECOND-CLASS RAILWAY TICKETS TO BERLIN.

SECOND-CLASS RAILWAY TICKETS TO BERLIN. POSING AS RETIRED

BERLIN. POSING AS RETIRED SCHOOLTEACHERS ON HOLIDAY.

POSING AS RETIRED SCHOOLTEACHERS ON HOLIDAY. WE WILL BOARD THE TRAIN AND SEAT

SCHOOLTEACHERS ON HOLIDAY. WE WILL BOARD THE TRAIN AND SEAT OURSELVES IN THE LAST CAR.

WE WILL BOARD THE TRAIN AND SEAT OURSELVES IN THE LAST CAR. [German accent] THEN WE PICK

OURSELVES IN THE LAST CAR. [German accent] THEN WE PICK UP INGA AT THE HOFBRAU, HAVE

[German accent] THEN WE PICK UP INGA AT THE HOFBRAU, HAVE SOME SAUERKRAUT AND WEAR SOME

UP INGA AT THE HOFBRAU, HAVE SOME SAUERKRAUT AND WEAR SOME LEDERHOSEN, JA.

SOME SAUERKRAUT AND WEAR SOME LEDERHOSEN, JA. [German accent] JA, THAT

LEDERHOSEN, JA. [German accent] JA, THAT INGA, SHE'S ONE HOT SLICE OF A

[German accent] JA, THAT INGA, SHE'S ONE HOT SLICE OF A GOOSE.

INGA, SHE'S ONE HOT SLICE OF A GOOSE. JA!

GOOSE. JA! [Normal voice] WE DISGUISE

JA! [Normal voice] WE DISGUISE OURSELVES AS TRAVELING ACROBATS,

[Normal voice] WE DISGUISE OURSELVES AS TRAVELING ACROBATS, SLIP OFF THE TRAIN AT

OURSELVES AS TRAVELING ACROBATS, SLIP OFF THE TRAIN AT STRASSENBURG, CUT THE TELEGRAPH

SLIP OFF THE TRAIN AT STRASSENBURG, CUT THE TELEGRAPH LINES, BLOW THE CHEMICAL PLANT,

STRASSENBURG, CUT THE TELEGRAPH LINES, BLOW THE CHEMICAL PLANT, AND THEN WE GO TO...

LINES, BLOW THE CHEMICAL PLANT, AND THEN WE GO TO... [German accent] THEN WE FLY TO

AND THEN WE GO TO... [German accent] THEN WE FLY TO ENGLAND, KILL HITLER, AND STEAL

[German accent] THEN WE FLY TO ENGLAND, KILL HITLER, AND STEAL A PLANE.

[German accent] I HAVE SOMETHING I MUST TELL YOU. I AM INGA.

SOMETHING I MUST TELL YOU. I AM INGA. All: ♪ TOMORROW BELONGS ♪

I AM INGA. All: ♪ TOMORROW BELONGS ♪ ♪ TOMORROW BELONGS ♪

All: ♪ TOMORROW BELONGS ♪ ♪ TOMORROW BELONGS ♪ ♪ TOMORROW BELONGS TO ME ♪

[Australian accent] GOOD DAY, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN. I'M FROM GOD'S OWN COUNTRY,

DAY, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN. I'M FROM GOD'S OWN COUNTRY, AUSTRALIA, AND I'D LIKE TO SING

I'M FROM GOD'S OWN COUNTRY, AUSTRALIA, AND I'D LIKE TO SING A NICE LITTLE OUTBACK SONG.

AUSTRALIA, AND I'D LIKE TO SING A NICE LITTLE OUTBACK SONG. IT'S ALL ABOUT MAN'S LOVE FOR

A NICE LITTLE OUTBACK SONG. IT'S ALL ABOUT MAN'S LOVE FOR HIS FELLOW ANIMAL.

IT'S ALL ABOUT MAN'S LOVE FOR HIS FELLOW ANIMAL. IT'S GOT A VERY CATCHY AND

HIS FELLOW ANIMAL. IT'S GOT A VERY CATCHY AND ATTRACTIVE CHORUS, SO PLEASE

IT'S GOT A VERY CATCHY AND ATTRACTIVE CHORUS, SO PLEASE SHUT UP WHILE I'M SINGING IT.

ATTRACTIVE CHORUS, SO PLEASE SHUT UP WHILE I'M SINGING IT. AFTER FOUR. FOUR.

SHUT UP WHILE I'M SINGING IT. AFTER FOUR. FOUR. ♪ OH, ROVER THE DROVER IS NOT

AFTER FOUR. FOUR. ♪ OH, ROVER THE DROVER IS NOT WHAT HE SEEMS ♪

♪ OH, ROVER THE DROVER IS NOT WHAT HE SEEMS ♪ ♪ 'CAUSE HE STOLE THE HEART OF

WHAT HE SEEMS ♪ ♪ 'CAUSE HE STOLE THE HEART OF THE COW OF MY DREAMS ♪

♪ 'CAUSE HE STOLE THE HEART OF THE COW OF MY DREAMS ♪ ♪ ROVER THE DROVER WON'T COME

THE COW OF MY DREAMS ♪ ♪ ROVER THE DROVER WON'T COME BACK NO MORE ♪

♪ ROVER THE DROVER WON'T COME BACK NO MORE ♪ ♪ 'CAUSE HE STOLE THE HEART OF

BACK NO MORE ♪ ♪ 'CAUSE HE STOLE THE HEART OF THE COW I ADO... ♪

♪ 'CAUSE HE STOLE THE HEART OF THE COW I ADO... ♪ ERIC, THIS SONG IS SO DEEP...

THE COW I ADO... ♪ ERIC, THIS SONG IS SO DEEP... YEAH?

ERIC, THIS SONG IS SO DEEP... YEAH? I THINK WE OUGHT TO SAVE IT

YEAH? I THINK WE OUGHT TO SAVE IT FOR THE END OF THE SHOW, BABY.

I THINK WE OUGHT TO SAVE IT FOR THE END OF THE SHOW, BABY. IT'S TOO STRONG FOR HERE?

FOR THE END OF THE SHOW, BABY. IT'S TOO STRONG FOR HERE? YEAH, YEAH, MAN.

IT'S TOO STRONG FOR HERE? YEAH, YEAH, MAN. I'LL DO IT AS AN ENCORE.

YEAH, YEAH, MAN. I'LL DO IT AS AN ENCORE. YEAH, RIGHT, RIGHT, RIGHT.

I'LL DO IT AS AN ENCORE. YEAH, RIGHT, RIGHT, RIGHT. OKAY.

YEAH, RIGHT, RIGHT, RIGHT. OKAY. WHAT SHOULD WE DO NOW FOR THE

OKAY. WHAT SHOULD WE DO NOW FOR THE PEOPLE?

WHAT SHOULD WE DO NOW FOR THE PEOPLE? WELL, MAYBE WE BETTER LET

PEOPLE? WELL, MAYBE WE BETTER LET JOE COCKER SING AGAIN.

WELL, MAYBE WE BETTER LET JOE COCKER SING AGAIN. OH, OKAY, YEAH.

JOE COCKER SING AGAIN. OH, OKAY, YEAH. JOE COCKER AGAIN.

OH, OKAY, YEAH. JOE COCKER AGAIN. [APPLAUSE]

JOE COCKER AGAIN. [APPLAUSE] [INTRODUCTION TO

[APPLAUSE] [INTRODUCTION TO "FEELIN' ALRIGHT" PLAYS]

♪ SEEMS I GOT TO HAVE A CHANGE OF SCENE ♪ ♪ 'CAUSE EVERY NIGHT I HAVE THE

OF SCENE ♪ ♪ 'CAUSE EVERY NIGHT I HAVE THE STRANGEST DREAMS ♪

♪ 'CAUSE EVERY NIGHT I HAVE THE STRANGEST DREAMS ♪ ♪ IMPRISONED BY THE WAY IT COULD

STRANGEST DREAMS ♪ ♪ IMPRISONED BY THE WAY IT COULD HAVE BEEN ♪

♪ IMPRISONED BY THE WAY IT COULD HAVE BEEN ♪ ♪ LEFT HERE ON MY OWN OR SO IT

HAVE BEEN ♪ ♪ LEFT HERE ON MY OWN OR SO IT SEEMS ♪

♪ LEFT HERE ON MY OWN OR SO IT SEEMS ♪ ♪ I GOT TO LEAVE BEFORE I START

SEEMS ♪ ♪ I GOT TO LEAVE BEFORE I START TO SCREAM ♪

♪ I GOT TO LEAVE BEFORE I START TO SCREAM ♪ ♪ BUT SOMEONE'S LOCKED THE DOOR

TO SCREAM ♪ ♪ BUT SOMEONE'S LOCKED THE DOOR AND TOOK THE KEY ♪

♪ BUT SOMEONE'S LOCKED THE DOOR AND TOOK THE KEY ♪ ♪ FEELIN' ALRIGHT ♪

AND TOOK THE KEY ♪ ♪ FEELIN' ALRIGHT ♪ ♪ I'M NOT FEELIN' TOO GOOD

♪ FEELIN' ALRIGHT ♪ ♪ I'M NOT FEELIN' TOO GOOD MYSELF ♪

♪ I'M NOT FEELIN' TOO GOOD MYSELF ♪ ♪ OH, NO ♪

MYSELF ♪ ♪ OH, NO ♪ ♪ I KNOW YOU'RE FEELIN'

♪ OH, NO ♪ ♪ I KNOW YOU'RE FEELIN' ALRIGHT ♪

♪ I KNOW YOU'RE FEELIN' ALRIGHT ♪ ♪ SAY I'M NOT FEELIN' TOO GOOD

ALRIGHT ♪ ♪ SAY I'M NOT FEELIN' TOO GOOD MYSELF ♪

♪ SAY I'M NOT FEELIN' TOO GOOD MYSELF ♪ ♪ OH, NO ♪

MYSELF ♪ ♪ OH, NO ♪ [Imitating Joe Cocker] BOY,

♪ OH, NO ♪ [Imitating Joe Cocker] BOY, YOU SURE TOOK ME FOR ONE BIG

[Imitating Joe Cocker] BOY, YOU SURE TOOK ME FOR ONE BIG RIDE ♪

YOU SURE TOOK ME FOR ONE BIG RIDE ♪ ♪ EVEN NOW I SIT AND I WONDER

RIDE ♪ ♪ EVEN NOW I SIT AND I WONDER WHY ♪

♪ EVEN NOW I SIT AND I WONDER WHY ♪ ♪ AND WHEN I THINK OF YOU, I

WHY ♪ ♪ AND WHEN I THINK OF YOU, I START MYSELF A-CRYIN' ♪

♪ AND WHEN I THINK OF YOU, I START MYSELF A-CRYIN' ♪ ♪ I JUST CAN'T WASTE MY TIME ♪

START MYSELF A-CRYIN' ♪ ♪ I JUST CAN'T WASTE MY TIME ♪ [SINGING INDISTINCTLY]

♪ I JUST CAN'T WASTE MY TIME ♪ [SINGING INDISTINCTLY] ♪ GOT TO STOP BELIEVIN' IN ALL

[SINGING INDISTINCTLY] ♪ GOT TO STOP BELIEVIN' IN ALL YOUR LIES ♪

♪ GOT TO STOP BELIEVIN' IN ALL YOUR LIES ♪ ♪ I GOT TO MUCH TO DO BEFORE I

YOUR LIES ♪ ♪ I GOT TO MUCH TO DO BEFORE I DIE ♪

♪ I GOT TO MUCH TO DO BEFORE I DIE ♪ ♪ FEELIN' ALRIGHT ♪

DIE ♪ ♪ FEELIN' ALRIGHT ♪ ♪ FEELIN' ALRIGHT ♪

♪ FEELIN' ALRIGHT ♪ ♪ FEELIN' ALRIGHT ♪ ♪ OH, NO ♪

♪ FEELIN' ALRIGHT ♪ ♪ OH, NO ♪ ♪ FEELIN' ALRIGHT ♪

♪ OH, NO ♪ ♪ FEELIN' ALRIGHT ♪ ♪ UH-HUH ♪

♪ FEELIN' ALRIGHT ♪ ♪ UH-HUH ♪ ♪ TOO GOOD MYSELF ♪

♪ UH-HUH ♪ ♪ TOO GOOD MYSELF ♪ ♪ WHOO! ♪

♪ TOO GOOD MYSELF ♪ ♪ WHOO! ♪ ♪ HA HA HA! ♪

♪ DON'T GET TOO LOST ALONE, I SAID, YEAH ♪ [SINGING INDISTINCTLY]

SAID, YEAH ♪ [SINGING INDISTINCTLY] ♪ SAY EVERYTHING ♪

[SINGING INDISTINCTLY] ♪ SAY EVERYTHING ♪ ♪ NOW YOU KNOW YESTERDAY ♪

♪ SAY EVERYTHING ♪ ♪ NOW YOU KNOW YESTERDAY ♪ ♪ I CAN'T GET STRAIGHT ♪

♪ NOW YOU KNOW YESTERDAY ♪ ♪ I CAN'T GET STRAIGHT ♪ ♪ I GUESS I'M HERE TO STAY ♪

♪ I CAN'T GET STRAIGHT ♪ ♪ I GUESS I'M HERE TO STAY ♪ ♪ TILL SOMEONE COMES ALONG AND

♪ I GUESS I'M HERE TO STAY ♪ ♪ TILL SOMEONE COMES ALONG AND TAKES MY PLACE ♪

♪ TILL SOMEONE COMES ALONG AND TAKES MY PLACE ♪ ♪ WITH A DIFFERENT NAME AND A

TAKES MY PLACE ♪ ♪ WITH A DIFFERENT NAME AND A DIFFERENT FACE ♪

♪ WITH A DIFFERENT NAME AND A DIFFERENT FACE ♪ ♪ FEELIN' ALRIGHT ♪

DIFFERENT FACE ♪ ♪ FEELIN' ALRIGHT ♪ ♪ SAID I'M NOT FEELIN' TOO GOOD

♪ FEELIN' ALRIGHT ♪ ♪ SAID I'M NOT FEELIN' TOO GOOD MYSELF ♪

♪ SAID I'M NOT FEELIN' TOO GOOD MYSELF ♪ ♪ OH, NO ♪

MYSELF ♪ ♪ OH, NO ♪ ♪ NO, I'M NOT FEELIN' ♪

♪ OH, NO ♪ ♪ NO, I'M NOT FEELIN' ♪ ♪ UH-HUH ♪

♪ NO, I'M NOT FEELIN' ♪ ♪ UH-HUH ♪ ♪ YEAH, I'M NOT FEELIN' TOO

♪ UH-HUH ♪ ♪ YEAH, I'M NOT FEELIN' TOO GOOD ♪

♪ YEAH, I'M NOT FEELIN' TOO GOOD ♪ ♪ OH, NO ♪

♪ GUESS I'M FEELIN' ALRIGHT ♪ ♪ OH, FEELIN' ALL WRONG ♪ ♪ FEELIN' ALRIGHT ♪

♪ OH, FEELIN' ALL WRONG ♪ ♪ FEELIN' ALRIGHT ♪ [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

["DRAGNET" THEME PLAYS] THIS IS THE CITY LOS ANGELES, NEAR CALIFORNIA.

THIS IS THE CITY LOS ANGELES, NEAR CALIFORNIA. THE STORY YOU ARE ABOUT TO SEE

NEAR CALIFORNIA. THE STORY YOU ARE ABOUT TO SEE IS TRUE.

THE STORY YOU ARE ABOUT TO SEE IS TRUE. ONLY THE FACTS HAVE BEEN CHANGED

IS TRUE. ONLY THE FACTS HAVE BEEN CHANGED TO PROTECT THE WRITERS.

ONLY THE FACTS HAVE BEEN CHANGED TO PROTECT THE WRITERS. ["DRAGNET" THEME PLAYS]

TO PROTECT THE WRITERS. ["DRAGNET" THEME PLAYS] IT WAS A PERFECTLY ORDINARY

["DRAGNET" THEME PLAYS] IT WAS A PERFECTLY ORDINARY SUNDAY.

IT WAS A PERFECTLY ORDINARY SUNDAY. MY NAME'S FRIDAY.

SUNDAY. MY NAME'S FRIDAY. MY PARTNER'S NAME IS

MY NAME'S FRIDAY. MY PARTNER'S NAME IS SATURDAY MORNING.

MY PARTNER'S NAME IS SATURDAY MORNING. WE CAN ONLY WORK WEEKENDS.

SATURDAY MORNING. WE CAN ONLY WORK WEEKENDS. WE WERE ENGAGED IN ROUTINE

WE CAN ONLY WORK WEEKENDS. WE WERE ENGAGED IN ROUTINE POLICE BUSINESS... WASHING UP,

WE WERE ENGAGED IN ROUTINE POLICE BUSINESS... WASHING UP, IRONING, SEWING.

POLICE BUSINESS... WASHING UP, IRONING, SEWING. THE TIME... 3:15.

IRONING, SEWING. THE TIME... 3:15. THE PLACE... HEADQUARTERS.

THE TIME... 3:15. THE PLACE... HEADQUARTERS. THE HAIRSTYLES BY MR. RAY OF

THE PLACE... HEADQUARTERS. THE HAIRSTYLES BY MR. RAY OF VIDAL SASSOON.

THE HAIRSTYLES BY MR. RAY OF VIDAL SASSOON. [TELEPHONE RINGS]

VIDAL SASSOON. [TELEPHONE RINGS] THE PHONE RANG.

[TELEPHONE RINGS] THE PHONE RANG. IT WAS LUCILLE BALL.

THE PHONE RANG. IT WAS LUCILLE BALL. WE DIDN'T ANSWER.

IT WAS LUCILLE BALL. WE DIDN'T ANSWER. [TELEPHONE RINGS]

WE DIDN'T ANSWER. [TELEPHONE RINGS] THE PHONE RANG AGAIN.

[TELEPHONE RINGS] THE PHONE RANG AGAIN. THIS TIME, IT WAS MOTORCYCLE

THE PHONE RANG AGAIN. THIS TIME, IT WAS MOTORCYCLE OFFICER HARVEY GOLDBLATT.

THIS TIME, IT WAS MOTORCYCLE OFFICER HARVEY GOLDBLATT. HELLO?

OFFICER HARVEY GOLDBLATT. HELLO? RIGHT. RIGHT. RIGHT.

HELLO? RIGHT. RIGHT. RIGHT. RIGHT.

RIGHT. RIGHT. RIGHT. RIGHT. RIGHT.

RIGHT. RIGHT. OKAY, WE'LL BE RIGHT THERE.

HEY, SERGE, WHERE ARE WE GOING? SHUT UP AND LISTEN TO THE

GOING? SHUT UP AND LISTEN TO THE VOICEOVER.

SHUT UP AND LISTEN TO THE VOICEOVER. 10-3.

VOICEOVER. 10-3. 10-4.

10-3. 10-4. SORRY.

10-4. SORRY. RIGHT.

SORRY. RIGHT. THE TIME... 3:25.

RIGHT. THE TIME... 3:25. THE PLACE... THE STREET.

THE TIME... 3:25. THE PLACE... THE STREET. THE HANDBAGS BY GUCCI.

THE PLACE... THE STREET. THE HANDBAGS BY GUCCI. ON THE TRAIL, WE SCREAMED TO A

THE HANDBAGS BY GUCCI. ON THE TRAIL, WE SCREAMED TO A HALT.

ON THE TRAIL, WE SCREAMED TO A HALT. [SCREAMS]

HALT. [SCREAMS] LOOK. THERE'S OFFICER GOLDBLATT.

[SCREAMS] LOOK. THERE'S OFFICER GOLDBLATT. WHAT'S UP, HARVEY?

LOOK. THERE'S OFFICER GOLDBLATT. WHAT'S UP, HARVEY? MAN UPSTAIRS IMPERSONATING A

WHAT'S UP, HARVEY? MAN UPSTAIRS IMPERSONATING A POLICE OFFICER.

MAN UPSTAIRS IMPERSONATING A POLICE OFFICER. WHY DIDN'T YOU MOVE IN THERE

POLICE OFFICER. WHY DIDN'T YOU MOVE IN THERE YOURSELF?

WHY DIDN'T YOU MOVE IN THERE YOURSELF? I'VE GOT A SNAG IN MY

YOURSELF? I'VE GOT A SNAG IN MY PANTYHOSE.

I'VE GOT A SNAG IN MY PANTYHOSE. RIGHT. OKAY.

PANTYHOSE. RIGHT. OKAY. WE'LL TAKE CARE OF IT.

RIGHT. OKAY. WE'LL TAKE CARE OF IT. LET'S GO.

WE'LL TAKE CARE OF IT. LET'S GO. [KNOCK ON DOOR]

LET'S GO. [KNOCK ON DOOR] OPEN UP! OPEN UP! POLICE.

[KNOCK ON DOOR] OPEN UP! OPEN UP! POLICE. OPEN UP!

OPEN UP! OPEN UP! POLICE. OPEN UP! WE'RE POLICE OFFICERS.

OPEN UP! WE'RE POLICE OFFICERS. POLICE OFFICERS, MA'AM.

WE'RE POLICE OFFICERS. POLICE OFFICERS, MA'AM. HOW DO I KNOW YOU ARE?

POLICE OFFICERS, MA'AM. HOW DO I KNOW YOU ARE? WE'RE PLAINCLOTHES.

HOW DO I KNOW YOU ARE? WE'RE PLAINCLOTHES. WHAT DO YOU MEAN PLAIN?

WE'RE PLAINCLOTHES. WHAT DO YOU MEAN PLAIN? I PAID $85 FOR THIS FROCK.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN PLAIN? I PAID $85 FOR THIS FROCK. YOU CALL THIS A PLAIN FROCK?

I PAID $85 FOR THIS FROCK. YOU CALL THIS A PLAIN FROCK? I MEAN PLAINCLOTHES... A TERM

YOU CALL THIS A PLAIN FROCK? I MEAN PLAINCLOTHES... A TERM FOR UNDERCOVER.

I MEAN PLAINCLOTHES... A TERM FOR UNDERCOVER. OH.

FOR UNDERCOVER. OH. DON'T YOU LIKE THIS FROCK?

OH. DON'T YOU LIKE THIS FROCK? I LOVE IT.

DON'T YOU LIKE THIS FROCK? I LOVE IT. MA'AM, IS YOUR HUSBAND HOME?

I LOVE IT. MA'AM, IS YOUR HUSBAND HOME? UH... UH, NO.

MA'AM, IS YOUR HUSBAND HOME? UH... UH, NO. NO, UH, NO, HE'S NOT HERE.

UH... UH, NO. NO, UH, NO, HE'S NOT HERE. HE WENT OUT.

NO, UH, NO, HE'S NOT HERE. HE WENT OUT. I'M NOT MARRIED.

HE WENT OUT. I'M NOT MARRIED. HONEY!

I'M NOT MARRIED. HONEY! WHO IS IT?

HONEY! WHO IS IT? YOU'RE UNDER ARREST FOR

WHO IS IT? YOU'RE UNDER ARREST FOR IMPERSONATING A POLICE OFFICER.

YOU'RE UNDER ARREST FOR IMPERSONATING A POLICE OFFICER. LET'S GO.

IMPERSONATING A POLICE OFFICER. LET'S GO. I'M WEARING THE SAME FROCK.

LET'S GO. I'M WEARING THE SAME FROCK. COME ON, LET'S GO.

I'M WEARING THE SAME FROCK. COME ON, LET'S GO. OKAY, OKAY, OKAY.

COME ON, LET'S GO. OKAY, OKAY, OKAY. LET'S GO.

OKAY, OKAY, OKAY. LET'S GO. NO, NO, COME ON.

LET'S GO. NO, NO, COME ON. ERIC, DAN, LOOK, IT'S NOT GONNA

NO, NO, COME ON. ERIC, DAN, LOOK, IT'S NOT GONNA WORK, ALL RIGHT?

ERIC, DAN, LOOK, IT'S NOT GONNA WORK, ALL RIGHT? DRAG DOES JUST NOT WORK IN

WORK, ALL RIGHT? DRAG DOES JUST NOT WORK IN AMERICA.

DRAG DOES JUST NOT WORK IN AMERICA. IT'S A DIFFERENT TYPE OF HUMOR.

AMERICA. IT'S A DIFFERENT TYPE OF HUMOR. I FEEL UNCOMFORTABLE IN THIS

IT'S A DIFFERENT TYPE OF HUMOR. I FEEL UNCOMFORTABLE IN THIS DRESS.

I FEEL UNCOMFORTABLE IN THIS DRESS. YOU COULD TRY A DIFFERENT

DRESS. YOU COULD TRY A DIFFERENT FROCK.

YOU COULD TRY A DIFFERENT FROCK. THAT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH

FROCK. THAT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH IT.

THAT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH IT. I MEAN, OVER THERE, DRAG'S

IT. I MEAN, OVER THERE, DRAG'S ACCEPTABLE.

I MEAN, OVER THERE, DRAG'S ACCEPTABLE. IT'S EVERYDAY OFFICE WEAR.

ACCEPTABLE. IT'S EVERYDAY OFFICE WEAR. BUT HERE, IT IS JUST NOT FUNNY.

IT'S EVERYDAY OFFICE WEAR. BUT HERE, IT IS JUST NOT FUNNY. IT DOESN'T WORK.

BUT HERE, IT IS JUST NOT FUNNY. IT DOESN'T WORK. THERE'S NO, UH...

IT DOESN'T WORK. THERE'S NO, UH... I'M NOT OVERREACTING OR ANY

THERE'S NO, UH... I'M NOT OVERREACTING OR ANY HOMOSEXUAL THING, YOU KNOW?

I'M NOT OVERREACTING OR ANY HOMOSEXUAL THING, YOU KNOW? SO DON'T TRY AND PULL THAT THING

HOMOSEXUAL THING, YOU KNOW? SO DON'T TRY AND PULL THAT THING ON ME, YOU KNOW?

SO DON'T TRY AND PULL THAT THING ON ME, YOU KNOW? BUT IT'S NOT FUNNY, YOU

ON ME, YOU KNOW? BUT IT'S NOT FUNNY, YOU UNDERSTAND?

BUT IT'S NOT FUNNY, YOU UNDERSTAND? DRAG IS NOT FUNNY IN AMERICA.

UNDERSTAND? DRAG IS NOT FUNNY IN AMERICA. ALL RIGHT, WELL, LET'S CUT IT

DRAG IS NOT FUNNY IN AMERICA. ALL RIGHT, WELL, LET'S CUT IT HERE.

ALL RIGHT, WELL, LET'S CUT IT HERE. OKAY, FINE.

HERE. OKAY, FINE. UH, I, UH, CAN SEE HIS POINT

OKAY, FINE. UH, I, UH, CAN SEE HIS POINT OF VIEW.

UH, I, UH, CAN SEE HIS POINT OF VIEW. I THINK IT'S GENERALLY TWO

OF VIEW. I THINK IT'S GENERALLY TWO DIFFERENT THEORIES IN HUMOR AND

I THINK IT'S GENERALLY TWO DIFFERENT THEORIES IN HUMOR AND THAT.

DIFFERENT THEORIES IN HUMOR AND THAT. AND, WELL, MY JACK WEBB IS THE

THAT. AND, WELL, MY JACK WEBB IS THE WORST ANYWAY, SO...

AND, WELL, MY JACK WEBB IS THE WORST ANYWAY, SO... THAT'S TRUE.

WORST ANYWAY, SO... THAT'S TRUE. UH, WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO

THAT'S TRUE. UH, WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO THEN?

UH, WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO THEN? SORRY, FOLKS.

THEN? SORRY, FOLKS. DO YOU WANT TO COME BACK TO

SORRY, FOLKS. DO YOU WANT TO COME BACK TO MY DRESSING ROOM AND DISCUSS IT?

DO YOU WANT TO COME BACK TO MY DRESSING ROOM AND DISCUSS IT? SURE. YEAH.

MY DRESSING ROOM AND DISCUSS IT? SURE. YEAH. DAN?

SURE. YEAH. DAN? YEAH.

DAN? YEAH. REMEMBER, IF YOU DO IT

YEAH. REMEMBER, IF YOU DO IT ONCE...

REMEMBER, IF YOU DO IT ONCE... [SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

ONCE... [SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY] OH, JOHN, I THINK YOU LOOK

[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY] OH, JOHN, I THINK YOU LOOK VERY PRETTY.

OH, JOHN, I THINK YOU LOOK VERY PRETTY. I LOOK PRETTY.

VERY PRETTY. I LOOK PRETTY. WELL, I LOOK GOOD IN EVERYTHING.

I LOOK PRETTY. WELL, I LOOK GOOD IN EVERYTHING. I JUST WEAR CLOTHES WELL.

WELL, I LOOK GOOD IN EVERYTHING. I JUST WEAR CLOTHES WELL. SOME PEOPLE CAN, SOME PEOPLE

I JUST WEAR CLOTHES WELL. SOME PEOPLE CAN, SOME PEOPLE CAN'T.

SOME PEOPLE CAN, SOME PEOPLE CAN'T. I DO.

CAN'T. I DO. I LOOK GOOD IN EVERYTHING.

I DO. I LOOK GOOD IN EVERYTHING. WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO NOW, YOU

I LOOK GOOD IN EVERYTHING. WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO NOW, YOU KNOW?

WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO NOW, YOU KNOW? UH, WHY DON'T WE SHOW SOME

KNOW? UH, WHY DON'T WE SHOW SOME MOVIE, I GUESS?

UH, WHY DON'T WE SHOW SOME MOVIE, I GUESS? LET'S GO TO A MOVIE.

61. [VEHICLES SPEEDING BY]

[GUN FIRES]

I FEEL IT'S STILL NOT WORKING. OF COURSE IT'S WORKING.

WORKING. OF COURSE IT'S WORKING. THEY'RE LAUGHING.

OF COURSE IT'S WORKING. THEY'RE LAUGHING. HOW DO YOU KNOW THEY'RE

THEY'RE LAUGHING. HOW DO YOU KNOW THEY'RE LAUGHING?

HOW DO YOU KNOW THEY'RE LAUGHING? WE'RE ON FILM.

LAUGHING? WE'RE ON FILM. OH, THAT'S RIGHT.

WE'RE ON FILM. OH, THAT'S RIGHT. WELL, LET'S LISTEN.

OH, THAT'S RIGHT. WELL, LET'S LISTEN. I DON'T HEAR THEM LAUGHING.

WELL, LET'S LISTEN. I DON'T HEAR THEM LAUGHING. NO.

I DON'T HEAR THEM LAUGHING. NO. SHOULD WE GO?

NO. SHOULD WE GO? I GUESS SO.

OKAY, IT MIGHT NOT WORK FOR COMEDY, BUT IT MIGHT WORK FOR INTRODUCTIONS.

COMEDY, BUT IT MIGHT WORK FOR INTRODUCTIONS. IT'S MY PLEASURE TO LISTEN TO

INTRODUCTIONS. IT'S MY PLEASURE TO LISTEN TO THIS GROUP.

IT'S MY PLEASURE TO LISTEN TO THIS GROUP. THEY'RE, I THINK, ONE OF THE

THIS GROUP. THEY'RE, I THINK, ONE OF THE BEST BANDS IN AMERICA.

THEY'RE, I THINK, ONE OF THE BEST BANDS IN AMERICA. THEY'VE BACKED UP EVERYBODY FROM

BEST BANDS IN AMERICA. THEY'VE BACKED UP EVERYBODY FROM ARETHA FRANKLIN TO JOE COCKER,

THEY'VE BACKED UP EVERYBODY FROM ARETHA FRANKLIN TO JOE COCKER, MYSELF.

ARETHA FRANKLIN TO JOE COCKER, MYSELF. AND SO, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

MYSELF. AND SO, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THE BEST OUT OF NEW YORK CITY...

AND SO, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THE BEST OUT OF NEW YORK CITY... STUFF.

THE BEST OUT OF NEW YORK CITY... STUFF. ["FOOTS" PLAYS]

[SONG CONCLUDES] [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

WE ANCHOR THE CALYPSO NEAR

THE REEF AND MAKE OUR DESCENT.

WHAT WE SEE AMAZES US. HUGE FISH ARE MOST GOLDEN IN COLOR, SWIMMING TO AND FRO.

HUGE FISH ARE MOST GOLDEN IN COLOR, SWIMMING TO AND FRO. THEN THE MOST SURPRISING

COLOR, SWIMMING TO AND FRO. THEN THE MOST SURPRISING DISCOVERY OF ALL... THE RUINS OF

THEN THE MOST SURPRISING DISCOVERY OF ALL... THE RUINS OF AN OLD CASTLE, TRACES OF AN

DISCOVERY OF ALL... THE RUINS OF AN OLD CASTLE, TRACES OF AN EARLIER CIVILIZATION.

AN OLD CASTLE, TRACES OF AN EARLIER CIVILIZATION. GUNTHRO, OUR DUTCH CAMERAMAN,

EARLIER CIVILIZATION. GUNTHRO, OUR DUTCH CAMERAMAN, IS STARTLED TO SPY BRIGHTLY

GUNTHRO, OUR DUTCH CAMERAMAN, IS STARTLED TO SPY BRIGHTLY COLORED PEBBLES ON THE OCEAN

IS STARTLED TO SPY BRIGHTLY COLORED PEBBLES ON THE OCEAN FLOOR.

COLORED PEBBLES ON THE OCEAN FLOOR. HELLO, AND WELCOME ANOTHER

FLOOR. HELLO, AND WELCOME ANOTHER EDITION OF "PETS AND PETTING."

HELLO, AND WELCOME ANOTHER EDITION OF "PETS AND PETTING." TONIGHT, THE GOLDFISH, THE KING

EDITION OF "PETS AND PETTING." TONIGHT, THE GOLDFISH, THE KING OF THE BOWL.

TONIGHT, THE GOLDFISH, THE KING OF THE BOWL. THESE CHEEKY LITTLE FISH ARE

OF THE BOWL. THESE CHEEKY LITTLE FISH ARE FRIENDLY AND EASY TO FEED,

THESE CHEEKY LITTLE FISH ARE FRIENDLY AND EASY TO FEED, PROVIDING YOU FEED THEM RIGHT.

FRIENDLY AND EASY TO FEED, PROVIDING YOU FEED THEM RIGHT. NOW, WHAT IS THE RIGHT WAY TO

PROVIDING YOU FEED THEM RIGHT. NOW, WHAT IS THE RIGHT WAY TO FEED THEM?

NOW, WHAT IS THE RIGHT WAY TO FEED THEM? THE ANSWER IS, OF COURSE, GOOD

FEED THEM? THE ANSWER IS, OF COURSE, GOOD FOOD.

THE ANSWER IS, OF COURSE, GOOD FOOD. SO I LIKE TO START THEM OFF WITH

FOOD. SO I LIKE TO START THEM OFF WITH A LITTLE SOUP... A NICE

SO I LIKE TO START THEM OFF WITH A LITTLE SOUP... A NICE MINESTRONE, PLENTY OF

A LITTLE SOUP... A NICE MINESTRONE, PLENTY OF VEGETABLES FOR THEM TO GET THEIR

MINESTRONE, PLENTY OF VEGETABLES FOR THEM TO GET THEIR LITTLE TEETH INTO.

VEGETABLES FOR THEM TO GET THEIR LITTLE TEETH INTO. MMM.

LITTLE TEETH INTO. MMM. NICE AND HOT... NOBODY LIKES

MMM. NICE AND HOT... NOBODY LIKES COLD SOUP, ESPECIALLY TO SWIM

NICE AND HOT... NOBODY LIKES COLD SOUP, ESPECIALLY TO SWIM AROUND IN.

COLD SOUP, ESPECIALLY TO SWIM AROUND IN. THEN, FOR MAIN COURSE, PERHAPS

AROUND IN. THEN, FOR MAIN COURSE, PERHAPS SOME CHOPS, SOME NICE CHOPS, OR

THEN, FOR MAIN COURSE, PERHAPS SOME CHOPS, SOME NICE CHOPS, OR PERHAPS A NICELY ROASTED

SOME CHOPS, SOME NICE CHOPS, OR PERHAPS A NICELY ROASTED CHICKEN.

PERHAPS A NICELY ROASTED CHICKEN. YEAH.

CHICKEN. YEAH. AND DON'T FORGET PLENTY OF

YEAH. AND DON'T FORGET PLENTY OF VEGETABLES.

AND DON'T FORGET PLENTY OF VEGETABLES. SOME NICE POTATOES... THEY LOVE

VEGETABLES. SOME NICE POTATOES... THEY LOVE POTATOES.

SOME NICE POTATOES... THEY LOVE POTATOES. AND OF COURSE SOME CABBAGE...

POTATOES. AND OF COURSE SOME CABBAGE... NICE CABBAGE.

AND OF COURSE SOME CABBAGE... NICE CABBAGE. AND TO COMPLEMENT THE MEAL, OF

NICE CABBAGE. AND TO COMPLEMENT THE MEAL, OF COURSE, A BEAUTIFUL FINE BOTTLE

AND TO COMPLEMENT THE MEAL, OF COURSE, A BEAUTIFUL FINE BOTTLE OF WINE.

COURSE, A BEAUTIFUL FINE BOTTLE OF WINE. I'VE CHOSEN A RATHER FRUITY

OF WINE. I'VE CHOSEN A RATHER FRUITY FRENCH BEAUJOLAIS.

I'VE CHOSEN A RATHER FRUITY FRENCH BEAUJOLAIS. A LITTLE TASTE...

FRENCH BEAUJOLAIS. A LITTLE TASTE... YES, HE NODS HIS LITTLE HEAD.

A LITTLE TASTE... YES, HE NODS HIS LITTLE HEAD. HE LIKES IT. GOOD.

YES, HE NODS HIS LITTLE HEAD. HE LIKES IT. GOOD. IN IT GOES.

HE LIKES IT. GOOD. IN IT GOES. [SMOOCHES]

IN IT GOES. [SMOOCHES] A VERY FINE VINTAGE.

[SMOOCHES] A VERY FINE VINTAGE. AFTER THE MAIN COURSE, PERHAPS

A VERY FINE VINTAGE. AFTER THE MAIN COURSE, PERHAPS FINISH WITH A LITTLE DESSERT...

AFTER THE MAIN COURSE, PERHAPS FINISH WITH A LITTLE DESSERT... SOME CHEESECAKE, PERHAPS.

FINISH WITH A LITTLE DESSERT... SOME CHEESECAKE, PERHAPS. YES, NICE CHEESECAKE... IN IT

SOME CHEESECAKE, PERHAPS. YES, NICE CHEESECAKE... IN IT GOES.

YES, NICE CHEESECAKE... IN IT GOES. AND FINISH OFF WITH, OF COURSE,

GOES. AND FINISH OFF WITH, OF COURSE, THE COFFEE.

AND FINISH OFF WITH, OF COURSE, THE COFFEE. A MEAL WITHOUT COFFEE IS LIKE

THE COFFEE. A MEAL WITHOUT COFFEE IS LIKE SOMETHING ELSE WITHOUT SOMETHING

A MEAL WITHOUT COFFEE IS LIKE SOMETHING ELSE WITHOUT SOMETHING ELSE.

SOMETHING ELSE WITHOUT SOMETHING ELSE. AND NOW, NEXT WEEK, I'LL SHOW

ELSE. AND NOW, NEXT WEEK, I'LL SHOW YOU HOW TO FEED YOUR GOLDFISH

AND NOW, NEXT WEEK, I'LL SHOW YOU HOW TO FEED YOUR GOLDFISH HOT CURRY AND HOW TO FEED YOUR

YOU HOW TO FEED YOUR GOLDFISH HOT CURRY AND HOW TO FEED YOUR CAT TO THE DOG.

HOT CURRY AND HOW TO FEED YOUR CAT TO THE DOG. SO GOOD NIGHT FROM ME.

AND SO, WITH VISIBILITY FADING, AS THE DARKNESS CLOSES ABOUT US, WE BID AU REVOIR TO

FADING, AS THE DARKNESS CLOSES ABOUT US, WE BID AU REVOIR TO THE HUGE GOLDEN FISH AND RETURN

ABOUT US, WE BID AU REVOIR TO THE HUGE GOLDEN FISH AND RETURN TO THE SURFACE.

THE HUGE GOLDEN FISH AND RETURN TO THE SURFACE. BUT FOR ME AND THE CREW OF THE

TO THE SURFACE. BUT FOR ME AND THE CREW OF THE CALYPSO, THE JOURNEY HAS JUST

BUT FOR ME AND THE CREW OF THE CALYPSO, THE JOURNEY HAS JUST BEGUN.

AHEAD LIES FURTHER ADVENTURES

AND STUDY IN...

I'M KEN NORTON, AND I QUESTION THE DECISION OF THE JUDGES AT TUESDAY'S CHAMPIONSHIP

QUESTION THE DECISION OF THE JUDGES AT TUESDAY'S CHAMPIONSHIP FIGHT.

JUDGES AT TUESDAY'S CHAMPIONSHIP FIGHT. NOW, I WAS ROBBED.

FIGHT. NOW, I WAS ROBBED. YOU SAW IT.

NOW, I WAS ROBBED. YOU SAW IT. IT'S THE END OF THE 14th ROUND.

YOU SAW IT. IT'S THE END OF THE 14th ROUND. I'M WHOOPING THE CHAMP.

IT'S THE END OF THE 14th ROUND. I'M WHOOPING THE CHAMP. I'M IN MY CORNER.

I'M WHOOPING THE CHAMP. I'M IN MY CORNER. AND MY MANAGER BREAKS IT TO ME.

I'M IN MY CORNER. AND MY MANAGER BREAKS IT TO ME. THESE JUDGES ARE FROM

AND MY MANAGER BREAKS IT TO ME. THESE JUDGES ARE FROM ATLANTIC CITY, AND THEY'RE

THESE JUDGES ARE FROM ATLANTIC CITY, AND THEY'RE CONFUSED ABOUT THE SCORING.

ATLANTIC CITY, AND THEY'RE CONFUSED ABOUT THE SCORING. THEY'RE GIVEN OUT POINTS FOR

CONFUSED ABOUT THE SCORING. THEY'RE GIVEN OUT POINTS FOR GRACE AND CHARM AND TAKING THEM

THEY'RE GIVEN OUT POINTS FOR GRACE AND CHARM AND TAKING THEM AWAY FOR OVERAGGRESSIVENESS.

GRACE AND CHARM AND TAKING THEM AWAY FOR OVERAGGRESSIVENESS. BOY, AM I CHEESED OFF.

AWAY FOR OVERAGGRESSIVENESS. BOY, AM I CHEESED OFF. THIS CHANGES EVERYTHING, RIGHT?

BOY, AM I CHEESED OFF. THIS CHANGES EVERYTHING, RIGHT? THE BELL RINGS, AND NOW I GOT TO

THIS CHANGES EVERYTHING, RIGHT? THE BELL RINGS, AND NOW I GOT TO THINK ON MY FEET, RIGHT?

THE BELL RINGS, AND NOW I GOT TO THINK ON MY FEET, RIGHT? LUCKILY THERE'S TIME TO, BECAUSE

THINK ON MY FEET, RIGHT? LUCKILY THERE'S TIME TO, BECAUSE THE OTHER FINALIST IS IN THE

LUCKILY THERE'S TIME TO, BECAUSE THE OTHER FINALIST IS IN THE RING DOING HIS TALENT SPOT,

THE OTHER FINALIST IS IN THE RING DOING HIS TALENT SPOT, DANCING.

RING DOING HIS TALENT SPOT, DANCING. OKAY, TALENT?

DANCING. OKAY, TALENT? INSIDE MY BOXING GLOVES, MY

OKAY, TALENT? INSIDE MY BOXING GLOVES, MY FINGERS ARE CROSSED.

INSIDE MY BOXING GLOVES, MY FINGERS ARE CROSSED. IF THE JUDGES HAVE SEEN ME IN

FINGERS ARE CROSSED. IF THE JUDGES HAVE SEEN ME IN "MANDINGO," I'VE GOT TALENT SEWN

IF THE JUDGES HAVE SEEN ME IN "MANDINGO," I'VE GOT TALENT SEWN UP.

"MANDINGO," I'VE GOT TALENT SEWN UP. OKAY, BEAUTY... MR. KENTUCKY IS

UP. OKAY, BEAUTY... MR. KENTUCKY IS PRETTIER, BUT I'M A LOT YOUNGER

OKAY, BEAUTY... MR. KENTUCKY IS PRETTIER, BUT I'M A LOT YOUNGER AND MY THIGHS ARE MUCH, MUCH

PRETTIER, BUT I'M A LOT YOUNGER AND MY THIGHS ARE MUCH, MUCH THINNER, OKAY?

AND MY THIGHS ARE MUCH, MUCH THINNER, OKAY? SWIMSUIT COMPETITION... WE BOTH

THINNER, OKAY? SWIMSUIT COMPETITION... WE BOTH HAD TO WEAR THOSE STUPID

SWIMSUIT COMPETITION... WE BOTH HAD TO WEAR THOSE STUPID EVERLAST TRUNKS, SO CALL THAT A

HAD TO WEAR THOSE STUPID EVERLAST TRUNKS, SO CALL THAT A DRAW.

EVERLAST TRUNKS, SO CALL THAT A DRAW. BUT MY BATHROBE IS MUCH, MUCH

DRAW. BUT MY BATHROBE IS MUCH, MUCH MEANER... MUCH, MUCH MEANER.

BUT MY BATHROBE IS MUCH, MUCH MEANER... MUCH, MUCH MEANER. MY BATHROBE PUTS ME OVER THE

MEANER... MUCH, MUCH MEANER. MY BATHROBE PUTS ME OVER THE TOP.

MY BATHROBE PUTS ME OVER THE TOP. SO WHEN THE FINAL BELL RINGS,

TOP. SO WHEN THE FINAL BELL RINGS, MAN, I'M JUMPING UP WITH GLEE,

SO WHEN THE FINAL BELL RINGS, MAN, I'M JUMPING UP WITH GLEE, YOU KNOW, UNTIL I REMEMBER TO

MAN, I'M JUMPING UP WITH GLEE, YOU KNOW, UNTIL I REMEMBER TO CRY, YOU KNOW?

YOU KNOW, UNTIL I REMEMBER TO CRY, YOU KNOW? THEY ALWAYS LIKE THE ONE WITH

CRY, YOU KNOW? THEY ALWAYS LIKE THE ONE WITH THE CRY, YOU KNOW?

THEY ALWAYS LIKE THE ONE WITH THE CRY, YOU KNOW? AND THEN HOWARD COSELL COMES AND

THE CRY, YOU KNOW? AND THEN HOWARD COSELL COMES AND TELLS ME, "CHEER UP.

AND THEN HOWARD COSELL COMES AND TELLS ME, "CHEER UP. SHOULD THE WINNER, FOR ANY

TELLS ME, "CHEER UP. SHOULD THE WINNER, FOR ANY REASON, BE UNABLE TO FULFILL HIS

SHOULD THE WINNER, FOR ANY REASON, BE UNABLE TO FULFILL HIS DUTIES, YOU AS RUNNER-UP WILL

REASON, BE UNABLE TO FULFILL HIS DUTIES, YOU AS RUNNER-UP WILL TAKE HIS PLACE."

DUTIES, YOU AS RUNNER-UP WILL TAKE HIS PLACE." SO I WHIPPED THAT HONKY MOTHER,

TAKE HIS PLACE." SO I WHIPPED THAT HONKY MOTHER, YOU KNOW?

SO I WHIPPED THAT HONKY MOTHER, YOU KNOW? SO I WAS ROBBED.

YOU KNOW? SO I WAS ROBBED. THE CROWN IS MINE.

SO I WAS ROBBED. THE CROWN IS MINE. I DEMAND TO DO MY TALENT SPOT

THE CROWN IS MINE. I DEMAND TO DO MY TALENT SPOT NOW... "VESTI LA GIUBBA," THE

I DEMAND TO DO MY TALENT SPOT NOW... "VESTI LA GIUBBA," THE TENOR ARIA FROM "PAGLIACCI."

NOW... "VESTI LA GIUBBA," THE TENOR ARIA FROM "PAGLIACCI." [PIANO PLAYING]

TENOR ARIA FROM "PAGLIACCI." [PIANO PLAYING] ♪ RECITAR ♪

[PIANO PLAYING] ♪ RECITAR ♪ ♪ MENTRE PRESO DAL DELIRIO ♪

♪ RECITAR ♪ ♪ MENTRE PRESO DAL DELIRIO ♪ ♪ NON SO PIU QUEL CHE DICO ♪

♪ MENTRE PRESO DAL DELIRIO ♪ ♪ NON SO PIU QUEL CHE DICO ♪ ♪ E QUEL CHE FACCIO ♪

♪ NON SO PIU QUEL CHE DICO ♪ ♪ E QUEL CHE FACCIO ♪ ♪ EPPUR è D'UOPO, SFORZATI ♪

♪ E QUEL CHE FACCIO ♪ ♪ EPPUR è D'UOPO, SFORZATI ♪ ♪ BAH ♪

♪ EPPUR è D'UOPO, SFORZATI ♪ ♪ BAH ♪ [APPLAUSE]

[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS]

HELLO, I'M ERICA VON DONAGEN, HEAD OF ANTHROCOMEDOLOGY AT RUTLEDGE UNIVERSITY.

HEAD OF ANTHROCOMEDOLOGY AT RUTLEDGE UNIVERSITY. THERE'S SCARCELY ANYONE WHO

RUTLEDGE UNIVERSITY. THERE'S SCARCELY ANYONE WHO HASN'T LOOKED AT THE STARS AND

THERE'S SCARCELY ANYONE WHO HASN'T LOOKED AT THE STARS AND WONDERED IF SOME OTHER FORM OF

HASN'T LOOKED AT THE STARS AND WONDERED IF SOME OTHER FORM OF COMEDIANS EXISTED IN ANOTHER

WONDERED IF SOME OTHER FORM OF COMEDIANS EXISTED IN ANOTHER CORNER OF THE UNIVERSE.

COMEDIANS EXISTED IN ANOTHER CORNER OF THE UNIVERSE. SINCE THERE ARE BILLIONS OF

CORNER OF THE UNIVERSE. SINCE THERE ARE BILLIONS OF SOLAR SYSTEMS CAPABLE OF

SINCE THERE ARE BILLIONS OF SOLAR SYSTEMS CAPABLE OF SUPPORTING COMEDY, THERE ARE

SOLAR SYSTEMS CAPABLE OF SUPPORTING COMEDY, THERE ARE PROBABLY COMEDIANS MUCH MORE

SUPPORTING COMEDY, THERE ARE PROBABLY COMEDIANS MUCH MORE ADVANCED AS OURSELVES, CAPABLE

PROBABLY COMEDIANS MUCH MORE ADVANCED AS OURSELVES, CAPABLE OF TRAVERSING THE VAST DISTANCES

ADVANCED AS OURSELVES, CAPABLE OF TRAVERSING THE VAST DISTANCES OF SPACE.

OF TRAVERSING THE VAST DISTANCES OF SPACE. HOW LONG DOES IT TAKE A JOKE TO

OF SPACE. HOW LONG DOES IT TAKE A JOKE TO TRAVEL THROUGH SPACE?

HOW LONG DOES IT TAKE A JOKE TO TRAVEL THROUGH SPACE? OF COURSE, THAT DEPENDS ON HOW

TRAVEL THROUGH SPACE? OF COURSE, THAT DEPENDS ON HOW SUBTLE IT IS.

OF COURSE, THAT DEPENDS ON HOW SUBTLE IT IS. BUT, IF COMEDIANS FROM OUTER

SUBTLE IT IS. BUT, IF COMEDIANS FROM OUTER SPACE DID VISIT OUR PLANET, WERE

BUT, IF COMEDIANS FROM OUTER SPACE DID VISIT OUR PLANET, WERE ANY CLUES LEFT BEHIND?

ANY CLUES LEFT BEHIND? LOOKING AT THE HISTORY OF

LOOKING AT THE HISTORY OF COMEDY, THERE ARE MANY SEEMINGLY

COMEDY, THERE ARE MANY SEEMINGLY INEXPLICABLE MYSTERIES, SUCH AS

INEXPLICABLE MYSTERIES, SUCH AS THIS ASSYRIAN CLAY TABLET, ONE

THIS ASSYRIAN CLAY TABLET, ONE OF THE EARLIEST RECORDS MADE BY

OF THE EARLIEST RECORDS MADE BY MAN, WHICH SAYS, AS NEARLY AS WE

MAN, WHICH SAYS, AS NEARLY AS WE CAN GUESS, "TAKE WIFE." ASSYRIA IS HERE IN THE FERTILE

CAN GUESS, "TAKE WIFE." ASSYRIA IS HERE IN THE FERTILE CRESCENT.

ASSYRIA IS HERE IN THE FERTILE CRESCENT. NOW, LET'S LOOK AT A CERTAIN

CRESCENT. NOW, LET'S LOOK AT A CERTAIN MOUNTAIN PLATEAU IN PERU.

NOW, LET'S LOOK AT A CERTAIN MOUNTAIN PLATEAU IN PERU. IF YOU CLIMB THE 4,000 FEET OF

MOUNTAIN PLATEAU IN PERU. IF YOU CLIMB THE 4,000 FEET OF THE ANDES TO MACHAPULCO AND

IF YOU CLIMB THE 4,000 FEET OF THE ANDES TO MACHAPULCO AND TRAVERSE THIS PLATEAU, YOU

THE ANDES TO MACHAPULCO AND TRAVERSE THIS PLATEAU, YOU OBSERVE REMNANTS OF ANCIENT,

TRAVERSE THIS PLATEAU, YOU OBSERVE REMNANTS OF ANCIENT, SEEMINGLY HAPHAZARD EXCAVATIONS.

OBSERVE REMNANTS OF ANCIENT, SEEMINGLY HAPHAZARD EXCAVATIONS. BUT IF VIEWED FROM THE AIR,

SEEMINGLY HAPHAZARD EXCAVATIONS. BUT IF VIEWED FROM THE AIR, SUDDENLY, ITS STARTLING PURPOSE

BUT IF VIEWED FROM THE AIR, SUDDENLY, ITS STARTLING PURPOSE IS REVEALED.

"TAKE MY WIFE, PLEASE" IS CLEARLY DUG INTO THE LANDSCAPE FOR THE PURPOSE OF MAKING

CLEARLY DUG INTO THE LANDSCAPE FOR THE PURPOSE OF MAKING SOMEONE IN A FLYING VEHICLE

FOR THE PURPOSE OF MAKING SOMEONE IN A FLYING VEHICLE LAUGH.

SOMEONE IN A FLYING VEHICLE LAUGH. BUT THE MOST AWESOME EVIDENCE

LAUGH. BUT THE MOST AWESOME EVIDENCE EXITS ON A TINY DOT 3,000 MILES

BUT THE MOST AWESOME EVIDENCE EXITS ON A TINY DOT 3,000 MILES OFF THE COAST OF PERU...

EXITS ON A TINY DOT 3,000 MILES OFF THE COAST OF PERU... PASSOVER ISLAND.

OFF THE COAST OF PERU... PASSOVER ISLAND. THE 2,000 INHABITANTS STILL

PASSOVER ISLAND. THE 2,000 INHABITANTS STILL PRACTICE AN ANCIENT RITUAL

THE 2,000 INHABITANTS STILL PRACTICE AN ANCIENT RITUAL BEFORE A HUGE PAIR OF LIMESTONE

PRACTICE AN ANCIENT RITUAL BEFORE A HUGE PAIR OF LIMESTONE CUFFLINKS.

BEFORE A HUGE PAIR OF LIMESTONE CUFFLINKS. [DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS]

CUFFLINKS. [DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS] EACH CUFFLINK IS OVER 30 FEET

[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS] EACH CUFFLINK IS OVER 30 FEET HIGH AND WEIGHS 800 TONS.

EACH CUFFLINK IS OVER 30 FEET HIGH AND WEIGHS 800 TONS. THE CEREMONIAL GARB OF THE

HIGH AND WEIGHS 800 TONS. THE CEREMONIAL GARB OF THE NATIVES ARE MADE FROM REEDS AND

THE CEREMONIAL GARB OF THE NATIVES ARE MADE FROM REEDS AND BEAR A STRIKING RESEMBLANCE TO

NATIVES ARE MADE FROM REEDS AND BEAR A STRIKING RESEMBLANCE TO TUXEDOS.

LISTEN TO THIS TAPE RECORDING I

MADE MYSELF OF ONE SUCH

CEREMONY.

[MUSIC PLAYS, CHANTING]

IS IT COINCIDENCE THAT THIS SAME JOKE OCCURRED TO MEN WHO NEVER KNEW THAT THE OTHER CIVILIZATION

JOKE OCCURRED TO MEN WHO NEVER KNEW THAT THE OTHER CIVILIZATION EVEN EXISTED?

KNEW THAT THE OTHER CIVILIZATION EVEN EXISTED? OR WAS THE JOKE PASSED ON BY

EVEN EXISTED? OR WAS THE JOKE PASSED ON BY COMEDIANS IN SPACESHIPS CAPABLE

OR WAS THE JOKE PASSED ON BY COMEDIANS IN SPACESHIPS CAPABLE OF TRAVELING THESE GREAT

COMEDIANS IN SPACESHIPS CAPABLE OF TRAVELING THESE GREAT DISTANCES?

OF TRAVELING THESE GREAT DISTANCES? BUT WHY SHOULD COMEDIANS TRAVEL

DISTANCES? BUT WHY SHOULD COMEDIANS TRAVEL ACROSS THE GALAXY?

BUT WHY SHOULD COMEDIANS TRAVEL ACROSS THE GALAXY? PERHAPS TO GET TO THE OTHER

ACROSS THE GALAXY? PERHAPS TO GET TO THE OTHER SIDE.

PERHAPS TO GET TO THE OTHER SIDE. IF THEY SHOULD RETURN, MAYBE WE

SIDE. IF THEY SHOULD RETURN, MAYBE WE CAN LEARN SOME NEW JOKES FROM

IF THEY SHOULD RETURN, MAYBE WE CAN LEARN SOME NEW JOKES FROM THEM.

[BEEPING] YOU KNOW, IT ALWAYS SEEMS LIKE I FALL BEHIND AT THE

YOU KNOW, IT ALWAYS SEEMS LIKE I FALL BEHIND AT THE BEGINNING, AND THEN I NEVER

LIKE I FALL BEHIND AT THE BEGINNING, AND THEN I NEVER CATCH UP.

BEGINNING, AND THEN I NEVER CATCH UP. YEAH, I KNOW.

CATCH UP. YEAH, I KNOW. THERE'S ONE RIGHT THROUGH A

YEAH, I KNOW. THERE'S ONE RIGHT THROUGH A HOLE.

THERE'S ONE RIGHT THROUGH A HOLE. HEY, HOW YOU'D DO ON THAT

HOLE. HEY, HOW YOU'D DO ON THAT MATH/PSY QUICKIE QUIZ TODAY?

HEY, HOW YOU'D DO ON THAT MATH/PSY QUICKIE QUIZ TODAY? OH, I PASSED.

MATH/PSY QUICKIE QUIZ TODAY? OH, I PASSED. I GOT A "D-."

OH, I PASSED. I GOT A "D-." HOW'D YOU DO?

I GOT A "D-." HOW'D YOU DO? I ACED IT.

HOW'D YOU DO? I ACED IT. YOU KNOW, IT ALWAYS SEEMS

I ACED IT. YOU KNOW, IT ALWAYS SEEMS LIKE YOU NEVER STUDY, AND THEN

YOU KNOW, IT ALWAYS SEEMS LIKE YOU NEVER STUDY, AND THEN YOU ALWAYS GET AN "A."

LIKE YOU NEVER STUDY, AND THEN YOU ALWAYS GET AN "A." HOW DO YOU DO THAT?

YOU ALWAYS GET AN "A." HOW DO YOU DO THAT? WELL, YOU JUST TELL THE

HOW DO YOU DO THAT? WELL, YOU JUST TELL THE TEACHER WHAT YOU KNOW, NOT WHAT

WELL, YOU JUST TELL THE TEACHER WHAT YOU KNOW, NOT WHAT YOU DON'T KNOW.

TEACHER WHAT YOU KNOW, NOT WHAT YOU DON'T KNOW. WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

YOU DON'T KNOW. WHAT DO YOU MEAN? I DON'T...

WHAT DO YOU MEAN? I DON'T... WELL, FOR EXAMPLE, ON THAT

I DON'T... WELL, FOR EXAMPLE, ON THAT BAROMETER QUESTION, REMEMBER?

WELL, FOR EXAMPLE, ON THAT BAROMETER QUESTION, REMEMBER? YOU'RE GIVEN A BAROMETER AND YOU

BAROMETER QUESTION, REMEMBER? YOU'RE GIVEN A BAROMETER AND YOU HAVE TO DETERMINE THE HEIGHT OF

YOU'RE GIVEN A BAROMETER AND YOU HAVE TO DETERMINE THE HEIGHT OF A TALL BUILDING?

HAVE TO DETERMINE THE HEIGHT OF A TALL BUILDING? YEAH, I LEFT THAT ONE BLANK.

A TALL BUILDING? YEAH, I LEFT THAT ONE BLANK. I FORGOT WHAT A BAROMETER IS.

YEAH, I LEFT THAT ONE BLANK. I FORGOT WHAT A BAROMETER IS. IT'S FOR MEASURING BAROMETRIC

I FORGOT WHAT A BAROMETER IS. IT'S FOR MEASURING BAROMETRIC PRESSURE.

IT'S FOR MEASURING BAROMETRIC PRESSURE. SO YOU GET THE ANSWER TO THAT

PRESSURE. SO YOU GET THE ANSWER TO THAT QUESTION... YOU GET THE

SO YOU GET THE ANSWER TO THAT QUESTION... YOU GET THE BAROMETRIC PRESSURE AT THE TOP

QUESTION... YOU GET THE BAROMETRIC PRESSURE AT THE TOP OF THE BUILDING.

BAROMETRIC PRESSURE AT THE TOP OF THE BUILDING. THEN YOU GO TO THE BOTTOM OF THE

OF THE BUILDING. THEN YOU GO TO THE BOTTOM OF THE BUILDING AND YOU TAKE THE

THEN YOU GO TO THE BOTTOM OF THE BUILDING AND YOU TAKE THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THE TWO

BUILDING AND YOU TAKE THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THE TWO BAROMETRIC PRESSURES AND YOU

DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THE TWO BAROMETRIC PRESSURES AND YOU PLUG IT INTO A FORMULA.

BAROMETRIC PRESSURES AND YOU PLUG IT INTO A FORMULA. BOY, YEAH.

PLUG IT INTO A FORMULA. BOY, YEAH. I FORGOT WHAT THE FORMULA

BOY, YEAH. I FORGOT WHAT THE FORMULA WAS, BUT I DIDN'T WANT

I FORGOT WHAT THE FORMULA WAS, BUT I DIDN'T WANT PROFESSOR HEIMITZ TO KNOW, SO I

WAS, BUT I DIDN'T WANT PROFESSOR HEIMITZ TO KNOW, SO I GAVE HIM SEVERAL OTHER SOLUTIONS

PROFESSOR HEIMITZ TO KNOW, SO I GAVE HIM SEVERAL OTHER SOLUTIONS I FIGURED OUT.

GAVE HIM SEVERAL OTHER SOLUTIONS I FIGURED OUT. OH, YEAH?

I FIGURED OUT. OH, YEAH? YEAH, I SAID, "TAKE THE

OH, YEAH? YEAH, I SAID, "TAKE THE BAROMETER UP ON TOP OF THE

YEAH, I SAID, "TAKE THE BAROMETER UP ON TOP OF THE BUILDING, DROP IT OFF OF THE

BAROMETER UP ON TOP OF THE BUILDING, DROP IT OFF OF THE BUILDING, TIME HOW LONG IT TAKES

BUILDING, DROP IT OFF OF THE BUILDING, TIME HOW LONG IT TAKES BEFORE IT GETS TO THE GROUND,

BUILDING, TIME HOW LONG IT TAKES BEFORE IT GETS TO THE GROUND, AND THEN PLUG IT INTO THAT

BEFORE IT GETS TO THE GROUND, AND THEN PLUG IT INTO THAT FORMULA WE LEARNED IN HIGH

AND THEN PLUG IT INTO THAT FORMULA WE LEARNED IN HIGH SCHOOL FOR FALLING BODIES.

FORMULA WE LEARNED IN HIGH SCHOOL FOR FALLING BODIES. YOU KNOW, DISTANCE = 16 x THE

SCHOOL FOR FALLING BODIES. YOU KNOW, DISTANCE = 16 x THE TIME IN SECONDS SQUARED.

YOU KNOW, DISTANCE = 16 x THE TIME IN SECONDS SQUARED. OH, YEAH.

TIME IN SECONDS SQUARED. OH, YEAH. OR, I SAID, ON A SUNNY DAY

OH, YEAH. OR, I SAID, ON A SUNNY DAY YOU CAN SET UP THE BAROMETER,

OR, I SAID, ON A SUNNY DAY YOU CAN SET UP THE BAROMETER, MEASURE THE SHADOW OF THE

YOU CAN SET UP THE BAROMETER, MEASURE THE SHADOW OF THE BUILDING, AND SET UP A RATIO.

MEASURE THE SHADOW OF THE BUILDING, AND SET UP A RATIO. YOU KNOW HOW TO GET THE ANSWER

BUILDING, AND SET UP A RATIO. YOU KNOW HOW TO GET THE ANSWER THERE.

YOU KNOW HOW TO GET THE ANSWER THERE. [BEEPING]

THERE. [BEEPING] YEAH.

[BEEPING] YEAH. OR, GET THIS... GET THE

YEAH. OR, GET THIS... GET THE CIRCUMFERENCE OF THE BAROMETER,

OR, GET THIS... GET THE CIRCUMFERENCE OF THE BAROMETER, WRAP STRING AROUND IT, THEN DROP

CIRCUMFERENCE OF THE BAROMETER, WRAP STRING AROUND IT, THEN DROP IT OFF THE TOP OF THE BUILDING,

WRAP STRING AROUND IT, THEN DROP IT OFF THE TOP OF THE BUILDING, COUNT HOW MANY REVOLUTIONS THE

IT OFF THE TOP OF THE BUILDING, COUNT HOW MANY REVOLUTIONS THE BAROMETER MAKES BEFORE IT HITS

COUNT HOW MANY REVOLUTIONS THE BAROMETER MAKES BEFORE IT HITS THE GROUND, THEN TAKE THE NUMBER

BAROMETER MAKES BEFORE IT HITS THE GROUND, THEN TAKE THE NUMBER OF REVOLUTIONS AND MULTIPLY IT

THE GROUND, THEN TAKE THE NUMBER OF REVOLUTIONS AND MULTIPLY IT TIMES THE CIRCUMFERENCE.

OF REVOLUTIONS AND MULTIPLY IT TIMES THE CIRCUMFERENCE. THE CIRCUMFERENCE?

TIMES THE CIRCUMFERENCE. THE CIRCUMFERENCE? RIGHT.

THE CIRCUMFERENCE? RIGHT. OR GET THIS... THIS IS THE LAST

RIGHT. OR GET THIS... THIS IS THE LAST ONE.

OR GET THIS... THIS IS THE LAST ONE. I SAID, GO IN THE BASEMENT, FIND

ONE. I SAID, GO IN THE BASEMENT, FIND THE SUPERINTENDENT, AND OFFER TO

I SAID, GO IN THE BASEMENT, FIND THE SUPERINTENDENT, AND OFFER TO EXCHANGE THE BAROMETER FOR THE

THE SUPERINTENDENT, AND OFFER TO EXCHANGE THE BAROMETER FOR THE INFORMATION.

EXCHANGE THE BAROMETER FOR THE INFORMATION. HOW'S THAT?

INFORMATION. HOW'S THAT? AND I GOT FULL CREDIT ON THAT

HOW'S THAT? AND I GOT FULL CREDIT ON THAT QUESTION.

AND I GOT FULL CREDIT ON THAT QUESTION. WELL, YOU SHOULD HAVE.

QUESTION. WELL, YOU SHOULD HAVE. YOU KNEW ALL THE ANSWERS.

WELL, YOU SHOULD HAVE. YOU KNEW ALL THE ANSWERS. NUTS.

WELL, IF YOU'VE ENJOYED IT HALF AS MUCH AS WE HAVE, THEN WE'VE ENJOYED IT TWICE AS MUCH

HALF AS MUCH AS WE HAVE, THEN WE'VE ENJOYED IT TWICE AS MUCH AS YOU, AND NOW, AS A FITTING

WE'VE ENJOYED IT TWICE AS MUCH AS YOU, AND NOW, AS A FITTING CLIMAX TO THE EVENING, I'D LIKE

AS YOU, AND NOW, AS A FITTING CLIMAX TO THE EVENING, I'D LIKE TO SING MY SONG.

CLIMAX TO THE EVENING, I'D LIKE TO SING MY SONG. [PLAYING "HERE COMES THE SUN"]

TO SING MY SONG. [PLAYING "HERE COMES THE SUN"] [CLAPS]

[PLAYING "HERE COMES THE SUN"] [CLAPS] THANK YOU.

All: [Screaming] ♪ HERE COMES THE SUN ♪ ♪ HERE COMES THE SUN ♪

COMES THE SUN ♪ ♪ HERE COMES THE SUN ♪ ♪ I SAY IT'S ALL RIGHT ♪

♪ HERE COMES THE SUN ♪ ♪ I SAY IT'S ALL RIGHT ♪ ♪ DA DUM DA DEE DUM DA DEE DUM

♪ I SAY IT'S ALL RIGHT ♪ ♪ DA DUM DA DEE DUM DA DEE DUM DA DE DUM ♪

♪ DA DUM DA DEE DUM DA DEE DUM DA DE DUM ♪ [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

ALSO APPEARING IN TONIGHT'S

CAST... RICHARD BELCHER.

NEXT SATURDAY, WATCH NBC'S

"WEEKEND WITH..."

"SATURDAY NIGHT" WILL RETURN IN

TWO WEEKS, OCTOBER 16th, WHEN

OUR HOST WILL BE KAREN BLACK,

AND I, DON PARDO, WILL ALSO

RETURN IN TWO WEEKS, PROVING

ONCE AGAIN THAT ALL ANNOUNCERS

NEVER DIE.

THEY JUST FA-A-A-ADE...