Original subtitles

[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS] DID YOU CALL THE HOTEL? I CALLED, YEAH.

DID YOU CALL THE HOTEL? I CALLED, YEAH. DID IT ABOUT 15 MINUTES AGO.

I CALLED, YEAH. DID IT ABOUT 15 MINUTES AGO. YEAH?

DID IT ABOUT 15 MINUTES AGO. YEAH? SHE SAID LIKE 5 MINUTES, RIGHT?

YEAH? SHE SAID LIKE 5 MINUTES, RIGHT? YEAH, SHE'LL BE HERE.

SHE SAID LIKE 5 MINUTES, RIGHT? YEAH, SHE'LL BE HERE. THAT'S GREAT. THAT'S GREAT.

YEAH, SHE'LL BE HERE. THAT'S GREAT. THAT'S GREAT. IT'S 11:30 NOW.

THAT'S GREAT. THAT'S GREAT. IT'S 11:30 NOW. THE SHOW HAS PROBABLY BEGUN, AND

IT'S 11:30 NOW. THE SHOW HAS PROBABLY BEGUN, AND THERE'S NO HOST.

THE SHOW HAS PROBABLY BEGUN, AND THERE'S NO HOST. CHEVY, I THINK YOU'RE GETTING

THERE'S NO HOST. CHEVY, I THINK YOU'RE GETTING UNNECESSARILY UPSET.

CHEVY, I THINK YOU'RE GETTING UNNECESSARILY UPSET. WE'VE WORKED WITH LILY BEFORE.

UNNECESSARILY UPSET. WE'VE WORKED WITH LILY BEFORE. SHE'LL BE HERE.

WE'VE WORKED WITH LILY BEFORE. SHE'LL BE HERE. SHE'S VERY PROFESSIONAL.

SHE'LL BE HERE. SHE'S VERY PROFESSIONAL. I MEAN, SHE WON'T LET US DOWN.

SHE'S VERY PROFESSIONAL. I MEAN, SHE WON'T LET US DOWN. WE'VE WORKED WITH HER BEFORE.

I MEAN, SHE WON'T LET US DOWN. WE'VE WORKED WITH HER BEFORE. GILDA, I KNOW WE'VE WORKED

WE'VE WORKED WITH HER BEFORE. GILDA, I KNOW WE'VE WORKED WITH HER BEFORE, BUT IF SHE'S SO

GILDA, I KNOW WE'VE WORKED WITH HER BEFORE, BUT IF SHE'S SO PROFESSIONAL, SHE HASN'T BEEN

WITH HER BEFORE, BUT IF SHE'S SO PROFESSIONAL, SHE HASN'T BEEN HERE ALL WEEK.

PROFESSIONAL, SHE HASN'T BEEN HERE ALL WEEK. NO REHEARSAL, NO NOTHING.

HERE ALL WEEK. NO REHEARSAL, NO NOTHING. I MEAN, WE'RE OPENING A SHOW.

NO REHEARSAL, NO NOTHING. I MEAN, WE'RE OPENING A SHOW. THEY'RE PROBABLY UP THERE IN THE

I MEAN, WE'RE OPENING A SHOW. THEY'RE PROBABLY UP THERE IN THE STUDIO.

THEY'RE PROBABLY UP THERE IN THE STUDIO. I'M SURE IT'S AFTER 11:30.

STUDIO. I'M SURE IT'S AFTER 11:30. SHE HAD THAT ACADEMY AWARD

I'M SURE IT'S AFTER 11:30. SHE HAD THAT ACADEMY AWARD NOMINATION, RIGHT?

SHE HAD THAT ACADEMY AWARD NOMINATION, RIGHT? SHE PROBABLY HAD A LOT OF

NOMINATION, RIGHT? SHE PROBABLY HAD A LOT OF OFFERS, AND MAYBE SHE GOT A

SHE PROBABLY HAD A LOT OF OFFERS, AND MAYBE SHE GOT A PHONE CALL.

OFFERS, AND MAYBE SHE GOT A PHONE CALL. I TRUST HER... SHE'LL BE HERE.

PHONE CALL. I TRUST HER... SHE'LL BE HERE. A LOT OF OFFERS.

I TRUST HER... SHE'LL BE HERE. A LOT OF OFFERS. EVERYBODY GETS A LOT OF OFFERS.

A LOT OF OFFERS. EVERYBODY GETS A LOT OF OFFERS. I'VE HAD A LOT OF OFFERS, TOO,

EVERYBODY GETS A LOT OF OFFERS. I'VE HAD A LOT OF OFFERS, TOO, BUT I'M HERE.

I'VE HAD A LOT OF OFFERS, TOO, BUT I'M HERE. LIKE WHAT OFFERS HAVE YOU

BUT I'M HERE. LIKE WHAT OFFERS HAVE YOU HAD?

LIKE WHAT OFFERS HAVE YOU HAD? I'VE BEEN OFFERED "KOJAK,"

HAD? I'VE BEEN OFFERED "KOJAK," "HOLLYWOOD SQUARES."

I'VE BEEN OFFERED "KOJAK," "HOLLYWOOD SQUARES." THERE SHE IS.

"HOLLYWOOD SQUARES." THERE SHE IS. THERE SHE IS.

THERE SHE IS. THERE SHE IS. HI!

THERE SHE IS. HI! HI!

HI! HI! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

HI! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] HI!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] HI! HI!

HI! HI! OH, HI, JERRY.

HI! OH, HI, JERRY. OH, IT'S GOOD TO SEE YOU,

OH, HI, JERRY. OH, IT'S GOOD TO SEE YOU, LILY.

OH, IT'S GOOD TO SEE YOU, LILY. JERRY CHASE, I HAVEN'T SEEN

LILY. JERRY CHASE, I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU IN SO LONG.

JERRY CHASE, I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU IN SO LONG. OH, GOLDIE, GOLDIE, GOLDIE.

YOU IN SO LONG. OH, GOLDIE, GOLDIE, GOLDIE. I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU SINCE

OH, GOLDIE, GOLDIE, GOLDIE. I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU SINCE "LAUGH-IN."

I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU SINCE "LAUGH-IN." OH, THANK YOU, LILY.

"LAUGH-IN." OH, THANK YOU, LILY. WE'RE KIND OF LATE, LILY.

OH, THANK YOU, LILY. WE'RE KIND OF LATE, LILY. LET'S MOVE YOU RIGHT IN, BECAUSE

WE'RE KIND OF LATE, LILY. LET'S MOVE YOU RIGHT IN, BECAUSE THE SHOW'S BEGUN ALREADY.

LET'S MOVE YOU RIGHT IN, BECAUSE THE SHOW'S BEGUN ALREADY. OH, WAIT A SECOND.

THE SHOW'S BEGUN ALREADY. OH, WAIT A SECOND. OH, MY GOSH, HEAVEN FORGIVE ME.

OH, WAIT A SECOND. OH, MY GOSH, HEAVEN FORGIVE ME. FORGIVE ME... I COULD JUST DIE.

OH, MY GOSH, HEAVEN FORGIVE ME. FORGIVE ME... I COULD JUST DIE. I FORGOT TO INTRODUCE YOU.

FORGIVE ME... I COULD JUST DIE. I FORGOT TO INTRODUCE YOU. THIS IS JERRY CHASE.

I FORGOT TO INTRODUCE YOU. THIS IS JERRY CHASE. THIS IS RAUL, LEONE,

THIS IS JERRY CHASE. THIS IS RAUL, LEONE, COUNTESS ALEXANDRA.

THIS IS RAUL, LEONE, COUNTESS ALEXANDRA. THIS IS LOU MEDROOD.

COUNTESS ALEXANDRA. THIS IS LOU MEDROOD. THIS IS PRINCE PHILLIPO.

THIS IS LOU MEDROOD. THIS IS PRINCE PHILLIPO. THIS IS LUCIA.

THIS IS PRINCE PHILLIPO. THIS IS LUCIA. THIS IS JOE.

THIS IS LUCIA. THIS IS JOE. EVERYONE, THIS IS GOLDIE.

THIS IS JOE. EVERYONE, THIS IS GOLDIE. EVERYONE, THESE ARE ALL MY

EVERYONE, THIS IS GOLDIE. EVERYONE, THESE ARE ALL MY FRIENDS.

EVERYONE, THESE ARE ALL MY FRIENDS. AND THIS LITTLE ONE IS PEPE.

FRIENDS. AND THIS LITTLE ONE IS PEPE. PEPE, THIS IS JERRY CHASE.

AND THIS LITTLE ONE IS PEPE. PEPE, THIS IS JERRY CHASE. THIS IS GOLDIE.

PEPE, THIS IS JERRY CHASE. THIS IS GOLDIE. I THINK WE'RE A BIT LATE.

THIS IS GOLDIE. I THINK WE'RE A BIT LATE. YOU'VE GOT TO BE COOL.

I THINK WE'RE A BIT LATE. YOU'VE GOT TO BE COOL. YOU'VE GOT TO BE.

YOU'VE GOT TO BE COOL. YOU'VE GOT TO BE. JUST THOUGHT YOU'D WANT TO

YOU'VE GOT TO BE. JUST THOUGHT YOU'D WANT TO TAKE A LOOK AT THIS.

JUST THOUGHT YOU'D WANT TO TAKE A LOOK AT THIS. DARLING, FORGET THE SCRIPT.

TAKE A LOOK AT THIS. DARLING, FORGET THE SCRIPT. LET ME TELL YOU... YOU'VE GOT TO

DARLING, FORGET THE SCRIPT. LET ME TELL YOU... YOU'VE GOT TO GO TO REGINE'S FOR THE MOUSSE.

LET ME TELL YOU... YOU'VE GOT TO GO TO REGINE'S FOR THE MOUSSE. IT IS ABSOLUTELY FANTASTIC.

GO TO REGINE'S FOR THE MOUSSE. IT IS ABSOLUTELY FANTASTIC. HELLO! LILY'S BACK!

IT IS ABSOLUTELY FANTASTIC. HELLO! LILY'S BACK! HELLO! HELLO!

HELLO! LILY'S BACK! HELLO! HELLO! LISTEN, COME ON, EVERYONE.

HELLO! HELLO! LISTEN, COME ON, EVERYONE. THIS IS ONLY GONNA TAKE ABOUT

LISTEN, COME ON, EVERYONE. THIS IS ONLY GONNA TAKE ABOUT 90 MINUTES.

THIS IS ONLY GONNA TAKE ABOUT 90 MINUTES. WE'LL BE THROUGH IN TIME TO GO

90 MINUTES. WE'LL BE THROUGH IN TIME TO GO TO...

WE'LL BE THROUGH IN TIME TO GO TO... UH, LORNE MICHAELS, PLEASE.

TO... UH, LORNE MICHAELS, PLEASE. MR. MICHAELS, HELLO.

UH, LORNE MICHAELS, PLEASE. MR. MICHAELS, HELLO. THIS IS SECURITY.

MR. MICHAELS, HELLO. THIS IS SECURITY. MS. TOMLIN AND HER PARTY HAVE

THIS IS SECURITY. MS. TOMLIN AND HER PARTY HAVE ARRIVED.

MS. TOMLIN AND HER PARTY HAVE ARRIVED. YES, THEY JUST WENT UP IN THE

ARRIVED. YES, THEY JUST WENT UP IN THE ELEVATOR.

YES, THEY JUST WENT UP IN THE ELEVATOR. OH, AND IF I MIGHT ADD,

ELEVATOR. OH, AND IF I MIGHT ADD, MR. MICHAELS, NOT A MINUTE TOO

OH, AND IF I MIGHT ADD, MR. MICHAELS, NOT A MINUTE TOO SOON.

MR. MICHAELS, NOT A MINUTE TOO SOON. I'VE BEEN WATCHING THE SHOW DOWN

SOON. I'VE BEEN WATCHING THE SHOW DOWN HERE, AND IT REALLY ISN'T VERY

I'VE BEEN WATCHING THE SHOW DOWN HERE, AND IT REALLY ISN'T VERY GOOD SO FAR.

HERE, AND IT REALLY ISN'T VERY GOOD SO FAR. UH, YES, SIR.

GOOD SO FAR. UH, YES, SIR. SORRY, SIR.

UH, YES, SIR. SORRY, SIR. N-NO OFFENSE MEANT.

SORRY, SIR. N-NO OFFENSE MEANT. Y-YES, SIR.

N-NO OFFENSE MEANT. Y-YES, SIR. UH, 51447J6.

Y-YES, SIR. UH, 51447J6. YES, SIR.

[LAUGHTER] THE PRINCESS ALWAYS MAKES ME LAUGH.

THE PRINCESS ALWAYS MAKES ME LAUGH. MS. TOMLIN, MS. TOMLIN.

LAUGH. MS. TOMLIN, MS. TOMLIN. HOW ARE YOU?

MS. TOMLIN, MS. TOMLIN. HOW ARE YOU? AREN'T YOU KIND?

HOW ARE YOU? AREN'T YOU KIND? AREN'T YOU KIND AND GOOD?

AREN'T YOU KIND? AREN'T YOU KIND AND GOOD? TAKE CARE OF HIM, PEPE.

AREN'T YOU KIND AND GOOD? TAKE CARE OF HIM, PEPE. [GASPS]

TAKE CARE OF HIM, PEPE. [GASPS] LOOK.

[GASPS] LOOK. WHAT IS IT, GOLDIE?

LOOK. WHAT IS IT, GOLDIE? WE JUST WANT YOU TO LOOK AT

WHAT IS IT, GOLDIE? WE JUST WANT YOU TO LOOK AT THIS FOR A SEC.

WE JUST WANT YOU TO LOOK AT THIS FOR A SEC. OH, HONEY, DON'T WORRY ABOUT

THIS FOR A SEC. OH, HONEY, DON'T WORRY ABOUT MATERIAL.

OH, HONEY, DON'T WORRY ABOUT MATERIAL. I WRITE ALL MY OWN.

MATERIAL. I WRITE ALL MY OWN. THERE'S NOTHING TO BE WORRIED

I WRITE ALL MY OWN. THERE'S NOTHING TO BE WORRIED ABOUT.

THERE'S NOTHING TO BE WORRIED ABOUT. HI, LILY! WE MISSED YOU.

ABOUT. HI, LILY! WE MISSED YOU. OH, IT'S JOAN.

HI, LILY! WE MISSED YOU. OH, IT'S JOAN. HI. HI, JOAN.

OH, IT'S JOAN. HI. HI, JOAN. JANE.

HI. HI, JOAN. JANE. OH, JANE... I'M SO SORRY, I

JANE. OH, JANE... I'M SO SORRY, I COULD JUST CROAK.

OH, JANE... I'M SO SORRY, I COULD JUST CROAK. LISTEN, EVERYONE.

COULD JUST CROAK. LISTEN, EVERYONE. FORGIVE ME.

LISTEN, EVERYONE. FORGIVE ME. THIS IS JANE, JANE BELUSHI.

FORGIVE ME. THIS IS JANE, JANE BELUSHI. THIS IS RAUL.

THIS IS JANE, JANE BELUSHI. THIS IS RAUL. THIS IS LOU MEDROOD.

THIS IS RAUL. THIS IS LOU MEDROOD. THIS IS COUNTESS ALEXANDRA.

THIS IS LOU MEDROOD. THIS IS COUNTESS ALEXANDRA. THIS IS... WELL, YOU KNOW

THIS IS COUNTESS ALEXANDRA. THIS IS... WELL, YOU KNOW GOLDIE AND JERRY CHASE.

THIS IS... WELL, YOU KNOW GOLDIE AND JERRY CHASE. THIS IS PRINCE PHILLIPO.

GOLDIE AND JERRY CHASE. THIS IS PRINCE PHILLIPO. THIS IS LUCIA.

THIS IS PRINCE PHILLIPO. THIS IS LUCIA. THIS IS JOE, AND THIS IS LEONE.

THIS IS LUCIA. THIS IS JOE, AND THIS IS LEONE. OH, JOAN, IT'S SO GOOD TO SEE

THIS IS JOE, AND THIS IS LEONE. OH, JOAN, IT'S SO GOOD TO SEE YOU.

OH, JOAN, IT'S SO GOOD TO SEE YOU. WE'RE GONNA GET YOU STARTED.

YOU. WE'RE GONNA GET YOU STARTED. YOU KNOW, THE CREW LOVES ME.

WE'RE GONNA GET YOU STARTED. YOU KNOW, THE CREW LOVES ME. HI!

YOU KNOW, THE CREW LOVES ME. HI! LILY...

HI! LILY... I LOVE TO SEE ALL THE WORKMEN

LILY... I LOVE TO SEE ALL THE WORKMEN HERE.

I LOVE TO SEE ALL THE WORKMEN HERE. LILY, THIS IS YOUR OPENING

HERE. LILY, THIS IS YOUR OPENING MONOLOGUE.

LILY, THIS IS YOUR OPENING MONOLOGUE. WOULD YOU JUST LOOK AT IT?

MONOLOGUE. WOULD YOU JUST LOOK AT IT? OH, I DON'T NEED AN OPENING

WOULD YOU JUST LOOK AT IT? OH, I DON'T NEED AN OPENING MONOLOGUE.

OH, I DON'T NEED AN OPENING MONOLOGUE. YOU CAN FORGET STUFF LIKE THIS.

MONOLOGUE. YOU CAN FORGET STUFF LIKE THIS. I'LL BE OUT IN JUST A SHAKE.

YOU CAN FORGET STUFF LIKE THIS. I'LL BE OUT IN JUST A SHAKE. GIVE ME JUST A LITTLE TASTE,

I'LL BE OUT IN JUST A SHAKE. GIVE ME JUST A LITTLE TASTE, PEPE.

GIVE ME JUST A LITTLE TASTE, PEPE. AH, YOU LITTLE, SWEET THING.

PEPE. AH, YOU LITTLE, SWEET THING. [LAUGHS]

AH, YOU LITTLE, SWEET THING. [LAUGHS] GREAT.

[LAUGHS] GREAT. [SIGHS]

GREAT. [SIGHS] WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

[SIGHS] WHAT ARE YOU DOING? BEG PARDON?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING? BEG PARDON? WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

BEG PARDON? WHAT ARE YOU DOING? OH, I'M IN THE SHOW.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING? OH, I'M IN THE SHOW. I DO THE SHOW.

OH, I'M IN THE SHOW. I DO THE SHOW. WE'RE JUST WAITING FOR LILY.

I DO THE SHOW. WE'RE JUST WAITING FOR LILY. WHAT ARE YOU REALLY DOING?

WE'RE JUST WAITING FOR LILY. WHAT ARE YOU REALLY DOING? WELL, I USUALLY OPEN THE

WHAT ARE YOU REALLY DOING? WELL, I USUALLY OPEN THE SHOW, AND, UH... YOU KNOW, START

WELL, I USUALLY OPEN THE SHOW, AND, UH... YOU KNOW, START THE SHOW OFF AND DO THINGS LIKE

SHOW, AND, UH... YOU KNOW, START THE SHOW OFF AND DO THINGS LIKE THAT IN THE SHOW.

THE SHOW OFF AND DO THINGS LIKE THAT IN THE SHOW. OH, UH...

THAT IN THE SHOW. OH, UH... I MEAN, WHAT IS YOUR...

OH, UH... I MEAN, WHAT IS YOUR... WELL, WHEN I OPEN THE SHOW,

I MEAN, WHAT IS YOUR... WELL, WHEN I OPEN THE SHOW, FOR INSTANCE, I... I USUALLY TAKE

WELL, WHEN I OPEN THE SHOW, FOR INSTANCE, I... I USUALLY TAKE A FALL, AND THAT'S THE SHOW.

FOR INSTANCE, I... I USUALLY TAKE A FALL, AND THAT'S THE SHOW. OH, YOU AN ACROBAT, A

A FALL, AND THAT'S THE SHOW. OH, YOU AN ACROBAT, A TUMBLER.

OH, YOU AN ACROBAT, A TUMBLER. NOT REALLY A TUMBLER.

TUMBLER. NOT REALLY A TUMBLER. OH, NO?

NOT REALLY A TUMBLER. OH, NO? YEAH. MM-HMM.

OH, NO? YEAH. MM-HMM. LILY?

YEAH. MM-HMM. LILY? SOMETIMES, YOU KNOW, HOW

LILY? SOMETIMES, YOU KNOW, HOW ABOUT A LITTLE EXAMPLE?

SOMETIMES, YOU KNOW, HOW ABOUT A LITTLE EXAMPLE? I COULDN'T DO IT NOW.

ABOUT A LITTLE EXAMPLE? I COULDN'T DO IT NOW. I USUALLY NEED SOME KIND OF

I COULDN'T DO IT NOW. I USUALLY NEED SOME KIND OF MOTIVATION.

I USUALLY NEED SOME KIND OF MOTIVATION. YOU KNOW, WE USUALLY BUILD A

MOTIVATION. YOU KNOW, WE USUALLY BUILD A WHOLE PIECE AROUND IT AND THEN

YOU KNOW, WE USUALLY BUILD A WHOLE PIECE AROUND IT AND THEN DO A FALL.

WHOLE PIECE AROUND IT AND THEN DO A FALL. WE DON'T DO THAT THIS YEAR, I

DO A FALL. WE DON'T DO THAT THIS YEAR, I DON'T THINK.

WE DON'T DO THAT THIS YEAR, I DON'T THINK. SOMETIMES HAPPEN TO ME, TOO,

DON'T THINK. SOMETIMES HAPPEN TO ME, TOO, SOMETIMES.

SOMETIMES HAPPEN TO ME, TOO, SOMETIMES. YOU GET MOTIVATION FROM THAT,

SOMETIMES. YOU GET MOTIVATION FROM THAT, HUH?

YOU GET MOTIVATION FROM THAT, HUH? [LAUGHS]

HUH? [LAUGHS] OKAY, WELL, I...

[LAUGHS] OKAY, WELL, I... CHEVY!

OKAY, WELL, I... CHEVY! YEAH, OKAY, I'LL BE COMING.

CHEVY! YEAH, OKAY, I'LL BE COMING. NICE TALKING. NICE MEETING YOU.

YEAH, OKAY, I'LL BE COMING. NICE TALKING. NICE MEETING YOU. THANKS, REALLY.

NICE TALKING. NICE MEETING YOU. THANKS, REALLY. GOOD LUCK TO YOU.

THANKS, REALLY. GOOD LUCK TO YOU. LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S

GOOD LUCK TO YOU. LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S "SATURDAY NIGHT"!

LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S "SATURDAY NIGHT"! [BAND PLAYS, APPLAUSE]

Announcer: NBC "SATURDAY NIGHT"... STARRING...

"SATURDAY NIGHT"... STARRING... WITH HER GUEST...

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, LILY TOMLIN. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

OH. WELL... OH, THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH.

WELL... OH, THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH. OH, GOSH, THANK YOU.

OH, THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH. OH, GOSH, THANK YOU. WE'VE BEEN HAVING SO MUCH FUN

OH, GOSH, THANK YOU. WE'VE BEEN HAVING SO MUCH FUN THIS WEEK REHEARSING, AND I'VE

WE'VE BEEN HAVING SO MUCH FUN THIS WEEK REHEARSING, AND I'VE BEEN WITH THE CROWD AND THE GANG

THIS WEEK REHEARSING, AND I'VE BEEN WITH THE CROWD AND THE GANG HERE... GILDA AND CHEVY AND

BEEN WITH THE CROWD AND THE GANG HERE... GILDA AND CHEVY AND JANE AND JOHN AND DANNY,

HERE... GILDA AND CHEVY AND JANE AND JOHN AND DANNY, LARAINE... EVERYONE... GARRETT.

JANE AND JOHN AND DANNY, LARAINE... EVERYONE... GARRETT. IT'S BEEN SO WONDERFUL.

LARAINE... EVERYONE... GARRETT. IT'S BEEN SO WONDERFUL. I HAVEN'T EVEN HAD TIME TO GET

IT'S BEEN SO WONDERFUL. I HAVEN'T EVEN HAD TIME TO GET OUT OF THESE OLD, RAGGEDY

I HAVEN'T EVEN HAD TIME TO GET OUT OF THESE OLD, RAGGEDY CLOTHES.

OUT OF THESE OLD, RAGGEDY CLOTHES. I WANTED TO, BUT WE WERE MUCH

CLOTHES. I WANTED TO, BUT WE WERE MUCH MORE INTERESTED IN BRINGING

I WANTED TO, BUT WE WERE MUCH MORE INTERESTED IN BRINGING SOMETHING THAT WOULD BE HAPPY

MORE INTERESTED IN BRINGING SOMETHING THAT WOULD BE HAPPY AND FULFILLING TO YOU TONIGHT

SOMETHING THAT WOULD BE HAPPY AND FULFILLING TO YOU TONIGHT INTO YOUR LIVES.

AND FULFILLING TO YOU TONIGHT INTO YOUR LIVES. WE'VE WORKED LONG AND HARD ON

INTO YOUR LIVES. WE'VE WORKED LONG AND HARD ON IT, AND ON THE SUBWAY, AS I WAS

WE'VE WORKED LONG AND HARD ON IT, AND ON THE SUBWAY, AS I WAS COMING DOWN HERE TONIGHT, WE

IT, AND ON THE SUBWAY, AS I WAS COMING DOWN HERE TONIGHT, WE WERE A LITTLE LATE.

COMING DOWN HERE TONIGHT, WE WERE A LITTLE LATE. WE GOT STUCK AT 3rd AVENUE, BUT

WERE A LITTLE LATE. WE GOT STUCK AT 3rd AVENUE, BUT I JUST STOPPED, AND I GAVE

WE GOT STUCK AT 3rd AVENUE, BUT I JUST STOPPED, AND I GAVE PAUSE, AND I THOUGHT TO MYSELF

I JUST STOPPED, AND I GAVE PAUSE, AND I THOUGHT TO MYSELF EVERYTHING THAT THIS MEANS FOR

PAUSE, AND I THOUGHT TO MYSELF EVERYTHING THAT THIS MEANS FOR ME TO BE AN ENTERTAINER AND FOR

EVERYTHING THAT THIS MEANS FOR ME TO BE AN ENTERTAINER AND FOR YOU TO HAVE ACCEPTED ME INTO

ME TO BE AN ENTERTAINER AND FOR YOU TO HAVE ACCEPTED ME INTO YOUR LIVES, AND, YOU KNOW, IT'S

YOU TO HAVE ACCEPTED ME INTO YOUR LIVES, AND, YOU KNOW, IT'S GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME JUST TO BE

YOUR LIVES, AND, YOU KNOW, IT'S GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME JUST TO BE ABLE TO BRING AN HOUR AND A HALF

GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME JUST TO BE ABLE TO BRING AN HOUR AND A HALF OF FUN AND HAPPINESS AND GOOD

ABLE TO BRING AN HOUR AND A HALF OF FUN AND HAPPINESS AND GOOD LAUGHS AND SMILES TO YOU.

OF FUN AND HAPPINESS AND GOOD LAUGHS AND SMILES TO YOU. AND, WELL, GOSH, STAY TUNED,

LAUGHS AND SMILES TO YOU. AND, WELL, GOSH, STAY TUNED, BECAUSE WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

AND, WELL, GOSH, STAY TUNED, BECAUSE WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK. [APPLAUSE]

IS THAT... JOE, IS THAT COMMERCIAL? YOU THINK THEY BOUGHT IT?

COMMERCIAL? YOU THINK THEY BOUGHT IT? WHAT A LOT OF CRAP.

YOU THINK THEY BOUGHT IT? WHAT A LOT OF CRAP. I NEED A DRINK.

WHAT A LOT OF CRAP. I NEED A DRINK. [LAUGHTER]

I NEED A DRINK. [LAUGHTER] [APPLAUSE]

Announcer: DEBATE '76... THE

THREE NATIONAL NETWORKS JOIN IN

BROADCASTING OF THIS SPECIAL

HISTORIC TELEVISION EVENT

SPONSORED BY THE LEAGUE OF WOMEN

VOTERS.

AND NOW HERE'S THE MODERATOR FOR

TONIGHT, RUTH CLUSEN.

GOOD EVENING.

THIS IS RUTH CLUSEN OF THE

LEAGUE OF WOMEN VOTERS.

WELCOME TO THE FIRST OF THREE

TELEVISED PRESIDENTIAL DEBATES

BETWEEN THE REPUBLICAN NOMINEE,

PRESIDENT GERALD R. FORD...

AND HIS CHALLENGER, GOVERNOR

JIMMY CARTER OF GEORGIA, THE

DEMOCRATIC NOMINEE FOR

PRESIDENT.

THIS FIRST DEBATE WILL BE

LIMITED TO A DISCUSSION OF

DOMESTIC ISSUES.

SO LET ME INTRODUCE THE THREE

JOURNALISTS WHO WILL BE ASKING

THE QUESTIONS... LIZ MONTGOMERY

OF THE WASHINGTON POST, WHO WAS

SELECTED BY THE LEAGUE OF WOMEN

VOTERS BECAUSE OF HER EXPERTISE

IN ECONOMIC MATTERS, TOM BURKE,

ROLLING STONE MAGAZINE, FOR HIS

INCISIVE REPORTING OF THE

WASHINGTON BUREAUCRACY, AND

EARL ROLAND OF THE

CHICAGO TRIBUNE, BECAUSE HE IS

A NEGRO.

NOW, AT THE REQUEST OF PRESIDENT FORD, MR. TOMMY BELL, THE SENIOR LINESMAN OF THE

PRESIDENT FORD, MR. TOMMY BELL, THE SENIOR LINESMAN OF THE NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE, WILL

THE SENIOR LINESMAN OF THE NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE, WILL TOSS THE COIN TO DETERMINE WHO

NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE, WILL TOSS THE COIN TO DETERMINE WHO WILL BE ASKED THE FIRST

TOSS THE COIN TO DETERMINE WHO WILL BE ASKED THE FIRST QUESTION.

WILL BE ASKED THE FIRST QUESTION. CALL IT.

QUESTION. CALL IT. I'LL TAKE THE SIDE WITH THE

CALL IT. I'LL TAKE THE SIDE WITH THE HEAD ON IT, MR. BELL.

I'LL TAKE THE SIDE WITH THE HEAD ON IT, MR. BELL. HEADS IT IS.

HEAD ON IT, MR. BELL. HEADS IT IS. THE PRESIDENT WILL RECEIVE.

HEADS IT IS. THE PRESIDENT WILL RECEIVE. [WHISTLE BLOWS]

THE PRESIDENT WILL RECEIVE. [WHISTLE BLOWS] [CLEARS THROAT]

[WHISTLE BLOWS] [CLEARS THROAT] ALL RIGHT, AND THANK YOU,

[CLEARS THROAT] ALL RIGHT, AND THANK YOU, MR. BELL.

ALL RIGHT, AND THANK YOU, MR. BELL. MS. MONTGOMERY.

MR. BELL. MS. MONTGOMERY. MR. PRESIDENT,

MS. MONTGOMERY. MR. PRESIDENT, GOVERNOR CARTER HAS ACCUSED YOU

MR. PRESIDENT, GOVERNOR CARTER HAS ACCUSED YOU OF HIDING IN THE WHITE HOUSE

GOVERNOR CARTER HAS ACCUSED YOU OF HIDING IN THE WHITE HOUSE INSTEAD OF GOING OUT AND MEETING

OF HIDING IN THE WHITE HOUSE INSTEAD OF GOING OUT AND MEETING THE PEOPLE.

INSTEAD OF GOING OUT AND MEETING THE PEOPLE. HOW DO YOU ANSWER THIS CHARGE?

THE PEOPLE. HOW DO YOU ANSWER THIS CHARGE? WELL, MISS MANGAMRY...

HOW DO YOU ANSWER THIS CHARGE? WELL, MISS MANGAMRY... MEGALANG... MS. MANKAMARM...

WELL, MISS MANGAMRY... MEGALANG... MS. MANKAMARM... MS. MONTGOMERY, THIS IS, OF

MEGALANG... MS. MANKAMARM... MS. MONTGOMERY, THIS IS, OF COURSE, A RIDICULOUS MISNOMER.

MS. MONTGOMERY, THIS IS, OF COURSE, A RIDICULOUS MISNOMER. I, OF COURSE, WAS NOT HIDING.

COURSE, A RIDICULOUS MISNOMER. I, OF COURSE, WAS NOT HIDING. I WAS SIMPLY LOST FOR A BIT.

I, OF COURSE, WAS NOT HIDING. I WAS SIMPLY LOST FOR A BIT. AND THE SECRET SERVICE RECOVERED

I WAS SIMPLY LOST FOR A BIT. AND THE SECRET SERVICE RECOVERED ME, AND I FEEL JUST FINE.

AND THE SECRET SERVICE RECOVERED ME, AND I FEEL JUST FINE. THANK YOU.

ME, AND I FEEL JUST FINE. THANK YOU. MR. BURKE, A QUESTION FOR

THANK YOU. MR. BURKE, A QUESTION FOR MR. CARTER.

MR. BURKE, A QUESTION FOR MR. CARTER. GOVERNOR CARTER, YOUR SON

MR. CARTER. GOVERNOR CARTER, YOUR SON "CHIP" HAS ADMITTED TO SMOKING

GOVERNOR CARTER, YOUR SON "CHIP" HAS ADMITTED TO SMOKING MARIJUANA.

"CHIP" HAS ADMITTED TO SMOKING MARIJUANA. WHAT IS YOUR ATTITUDE ON THE

MARIJUANA. WHAT IS YOUR ATTITUDE ON THE DECRIMINALIZATION OF MARIJUANA?

WHAT IS YOUR ATTITUDE ON THE DECRIMINALIZATION OF MARIJUANA? UH, MR, BURKE, AS MUCH AS I

DECRIMINALIZATION OF MARIJUANA? UH, MR, BURKE, AS MUCH AS I LOVE MY SON CHIP, IF I WERE TO

UH, MR, BURKE, AS MUCH AS I LOVE MY SON CHIP, IF I WERE TO COME UPON HIM SMOKING MARIJUANA,

LOVE MY SON CHIP, IF I WERE TO COME UPON HIM SMOKING MARIJUANA, I WOULD HAVE TO HAVE HIM

COME UPON HIM SMOKING MARIJUANA, I WOULD HAVE TO HAVE HIM ARRESTED.

I WOULD HAVE TO HAVE HIM ARRESTED. I WOULD, HOWEVER, GRANT HIM AN

ARRESTED. I WOULD, HOWEVER, GRANT HIM AN EXECUTIVE PARDON, BUT NOT UNTIL

I WOULD, HOWEVER, GRANT HIM AN EXECUTIVE PARDON, BUT NOT UNTIL HE HAD GONE THROUGH THE DUE

EXECUTIVE PARDON, BUT NOT UNTIL HE HAD GONE THROUGH THE DUE PROCESS OF THE LAW SO THAT ALL

HE HAD GONE THROUGH THE DUE PROCESS OF THE LAW SO THAT ALL THE QUESTIONS COULD BE ANSWERED

PROCESS OF THE LAW SO THAT ALL THE QUESTIONS COULD BE ANSWERED FOR THE AMERICAN PEOPLE.

THE QUESTIONS COULD BE ANSWERED FOR THE AMERICAN PEOPLE. NOW, THIS WOULD BE A PARDON, NOT

FOR THE AMERICAN PEOPLE. NOW, THIS WOULD BE A PARDON, NOT AN AMNESTY.

NOW, THIS WOULD BE A PARDON, NOT AN AMNESTY. AMNESTY WOULD BE CONDONING THE

AN AMNESTY. AMNESTY WOULD BE CONDONING THE SMOKING MARIJUANA, WHEREAS THIS

AMNESTY WOULD BE CONDONING THE SMOKING MARIJUANA, WHEREAS THIS WOULD JUST BE FORGIVING HIM FOR

SMOKING MARIJUANA, WHEREAS THIS WOULD JUST BE FORGIVING HIM FOR THE USE OF IT.

WOULD JUST BE FORGIVING HIM FOR THE USE OF IT. [BUZZER SOUNDS]

THE USE OF IT. [BUZZER SOUNDS] MR. PRESIDENT, REBUTTAL?

[BUZZER SOUNDS] MR. PRESIDENT, REBUTTAL? OH, NO, THANK YOU.

MR. PRESIDENT, REBUTTAL? OH, NO, THANK YOU. I JUST HAD DINNER.

OH, NO, THANK YOU. I JUST HAD DINNER. SIR. SIR.

I JUST HAD DINNER. SIR. SIR. SIR, IT IS YOUR TURN TO REBUT

SIR. SIR. SIR, IT IS YOUR TURN TO REBUT ON THE ANSWER THAT MR. CARTER

SIR, IT IS YOUR TURN TO REBUT ON THE ANSWER THAT MR. CARTER HAS GIVEN ABOUT HIS SON SMOKING

ON THE ANSWER THAT MR. CARTER HAS GIVEN ABOUT HIS SON SMOKING DOPE.

HAS GIVEN ABOUT HIS SON SMOKING DOPE. NOW, I SEE NO REASON FOR

DOPE. NOW, I SEE NO REASON FOR NAME-CALLING HERE.

NOW, I SEE NO REASON FOR NAME-CALLING HERE. I DOUBT VERY MUCH THAT

NAME-CALLING HERE. I DOUBT VERY MUCH THAT MR. CARTER'S SON IS ANY DUMBER

I DOUBT VERY MUCH THAT MR. CARTER'S SON IS ANY DUMBER THAN MY OWN, AND I DO HESITATE

MR. CARTER'S SON IS ANY DUMBER THAN MY OWN, AND I DO HESITATE TO CALL MY OWN SON SUSAN A DOPE.

THAN MY OWN, AND I DO HESITATE TO CALL MY OWN SON SUSAN A DOPE. [BUZZER SOUNDS]

TO CALL MY OWN SON SUSAN A DOPE. [BUZZER SOUNDS] MR. ROLAND, ANY QUESTIONS?

[BUZZER SOUNDS] MR. ROLAND, ANY QUESTIONS? YEAH, WHICH ONE OF THESE GUYS

MR. ROLAND, ANY QUESTIONS? YEAH, WHICH ONE OF THESE GUYS IS FORD?

YEAH, WHICH ONE OF THESE GUYS IS FORD? MS. MONTGOMERY?

IS FORD? MS. MONTGOMERY? GOVERNOR CARTER, YOU TURNED

MS. MONTGOMERY? GOVERNOR CARTER, YOU TURNED THAT QUESTION ABOUT MARIJUANA

GOVERNOR CARTER, YOU TURNED THAT QUESTION ABOUT MARIJUANA AROUND SO THAT YOU COULD TALK

THAT QUESTION ABOUT MARIJUANA AROUND SO THAT YOU COULD TALK ABOUT PARDONS.

AROUND SO THAT YOU COULD TALK ABOUT PARDONS. ARE YOU PERHAPS HOPING TO MAKE

ABOUT PARDONS. ARE YOU PERHAPS HOPING TO MAKE SOME POLITICAL GAINS BY

ARE YOU PERHAPS HOPING TO MAKE SOME POLITICAL GAINS BY RECALLING THE DIRTY LAUNDRY OF

SOME POLITICAL GAINS BY RECALLING THE DIRTY LAUNDRY OF WATERGATE?

RECALLING THE DIRTY LAUNDRY OF WATERGATE? UM, NO.

WATERGATE? UM, NO. NO, CERTAINLY I COULD NOT

UM, NO. NO, CERTAINLY I COULD NOT BENEFIT BY REMINDING THE

NO, CERTAINLY I COULD NOT BENEFIT BY REMINDING THE AMERICAN PEOPLE THAT THEY WERE

BENEFIT BY REMINDING THE AMERICAN PEOPLE THAT THEY WERE FOREVER DENIED THE FULL TRUTH IN

AMERICAN PEOPLE THAT THEY WERE FOREVER DENIED THE FULL TRUTH IN THE UGLIEST SCANDAL IN OUR

FOREVER DENIED THE FULL TRUTH IN THE UGLIEST SCANDAL IN OUR NATION'S HISTORY WHEN PRESIDENT

THE UGLIEST SCANDAL IN OUR NATION'S HISTORY WHEN PRESIDENT GERALD R. FORD PARDONED THE

NATION'S HISTORY WHEN PRESIDENT GERALD R. FORD PARDONED THE FIRST PRESIDENT EVER TO RESIGN

GERALD R. FORD PARDONED THE FIRST PRESIDENT EVER TO RESIGN IN DISGRACE, RICHARD M. NIXON.

FIRST PRESIDENT EVER TO RESIGN IN DISGRACE, RICHARD M. NIXON. NO, NO, MY FRIENDS.

IN DISGRACE, RICHARD M. NIXON. NO, NO, MY FRIENDS. I'M NOT GONNA BELABOR THE FACT

NO, NO, MY FRIENDS. I'M NOT GONNA BELABOR THE FACT THAT MR. FORD WAS APPOINTED...

I'M NOT GONNA BELABOR THE FACT THAT MR. FORD WAS APPOINTED... NOT ELECTED, BUT APPOINTED... BY

THAT MR. FORD WAS APPOINTED... NOT ELECTED, BUT APPOINTED... BY THE MOST CORRUPT PRESIDENT IN

NOT ELECTED, BUT APPOINTED... BY THE MOST CORRUPT PRESIDENT IN THE HISTORY OF THIS NATION.

THE MOST CORRUPT PRESIDENT IN THE HISTORY OF THIS NATION. [BUZZER SOUNDS]

THE HISTORY OF THIS NATION. [BUZZER SOUNDS] IT'S A BLEMISH...

[BUZZER SOUNDS] IT'S A BLEMISH... GOVERNOR, YOU HAVE 10 SECONDS

IT'S A BLEMISH... GOVERNOR, YOU HAVE 10 SECONDS TO WRAP THIS UP.

GOVERNOR, YOU HAVE 10 SECONDS TO WRAP THIS UP. WELL, I'D SAY NO.

TO WRAP THIS UP. WELL, I'D SAY NO. WATERGATE... W-A-T-E-R-G-A-T-E,

WELL, I'D SAY NO. WATERGATE... W-A-T-E-R-G-A-T-E, WATERGATE... HAS NO PLACE IN

WATERGATE... W-A-T-E-R-G-A-T-E, WATERGATE... HAS NO PLACE IN THESE DEBATES.

WATERGATE... HAS NO PLACE IN THESE DEBATES. [BUZZER SOUNDS]

THESE DEBATES. [BUZZER SOUNDS] PRESIDENT FORD, YOU HAVE

[BUZZER SOUNDS] PRESIDENT FORD, YOU HAVE 2 MINUTES TO REBUT.

PRESIDENT FORD, YOU HAVE 2 MINUTES TO REBUT. YES, I WOULD HAVE TO GO ALONG

2 MINUTES TO REBUT. YES, I WOULD HAVE TO GO ALONG WITH GOVERNOR CARTER ON THAT.

YES, I WOULD HAVE TO GO ALONG WITH GOVERNOR CARTER ON THAT. I SEE NO REASON TO BRING

WITH GOVERNOR CARTER ON THAT. I SEE NO REASON TO BRING WATERGATE INTO THIS.

I SEE NO REASON TO BRING WATERGATE INTO THIS. AND I WOULD KEEP WATERGATE OUT

WATERGATE INTO THIS. AND I WOULD KEEP WATERGATE OUT OF THIS AND NOT REMIND THE

AND I WOULD KEEP WATERGATE OUT OF THIS AND NOT REMIND THE PEOPLE OF THAT.

OF THIS AND NOT REMIND THE PEOPLE OF THAT. NEXT QUESTION, MR. ROLAND.

PEOPLE OF THAT. NEXT QUESTION, MR. ROLAND. UH, YEAH, MR. FORD, HOW DO

NEXT QUESTION, MR. ROLAND. UH, YEAH, MR. FORD, HOW DO YOU AND MR. CARTER DIFFER ON

UH, YEAH, MR. FORD, HOW DO YOU AND MR. CARTER DIFFER ON ABORTION, MAN?

YOU AND MR. CARTER DIFFER ON ABORTION, MAN? OF COURSE, MR. RAYLIN.

ABORTION, MAN? OF COURSE, MR. RAYLIN. THIS IS A VERY DIFFICULT AND

OF COURSE, MR. RAYLIN. THIS IS A VERY DIFFICULT AND CONTROVERSIAL SUBJECT, ISSUE FOR

THIS IS A VERY DIFFICULT AND CONTROVERSIAL SUBJECT, ISSUE FOR THE AMERICAN PEOPLE, AND I HAVE

CONTROVERSIAL SUBJECT, ISSUE FOR THE AMERICAN PEOPLE, AND I HAVE GIVEN A GREAT DEAL OF LONG, HARD

THE AMERICAN PEOPLE, AND I HAVE GIVEN A GREAT DEAL OF LONG, HARD THOUGHT TO THIS, TO BOTH SIDES.

GIVEN A GREAT DEAL OF LONG, HARD THOUGHT TO THIS, TO BOTH SIDES. I THINK THIS MAY WELL BE THE

THOUGHT TO THIS, TO BOTH SIDES. I THINK THIS MAY WELL BE THE MOST SENSITIVE ISSUE IN THE

I THINK THIS MAY WELL BE THE MOST SENSITIVE ISSUE IN THE CAMPAIGN.

MOST SENSITIVE ISSUE IN THE CAMPAIGN. WHAT WAS THE QUESTION?

CAMPAIGN. WHAT WAS THE QUESTION? ABORTION, MAN.

WHAT WAS THE QUESTION? ABORTION, MAN. ABORTION.

ABORTION, MAN. ABORTION. WELL, AS YOU KNOW, I SUPPORT A

ABORTION. WELL, AS YOU KNOW, I SUPPORT A CONSTITUTIONAL AMENDMENT

WELL, AS YOU KNOW, I SUPPORT A CONSTITUTIONAL AMENDMENT ALLOWING THE STATES TO DECIDE

CONSTITUTIONAL AMENDMENT ALLOWING THE STATES TO DECIDE THEIR OWN ABORTION LAWS,

ALLOWING THE STATES TO DECIDE THEIR OWN ABORTION LAWS, MR. RAWLIN.

THEIR OWN ABORTION LAWS, MR. RAWLIN. THIS WOULD ENABLE A WOMAN WHO

MR. RAWLIN. THIS WOULD ENABLE A WOMAN WHO WISHES TO HAVE AN ABORTION TO

THIS WOULD ENABLE A WOMAN WHO WISHES TO HAVE AN ABORTION TO MOVE TO ANOTHER STATE.

WISHES TO HAVE AN ABORTION TO MOVE TO ANOTHER STATE. [BUZZER SOUNDS]

MOVE TO ANOTHER STATE. [BUZZER SOUNDS] EXCUSE ME.

[BUZZER SOUNDS] EXCUSE ME. MR. CARTER, REBUTTAL?

EXCUSE ME. MR. CARTER, REBUTTAL? UM, I THINK MY STANCE ON THE

MR. CARTER, REBUTTAL? UM, I THINK MY STANCE ON THE ABORTION ISSUE IS PERFECTLY

UM, I THINK MY STANCE ON THE ABORTION ISSUE IS PERFECTLY AMBIGUOUS AND ILL-DEFINED.

ABORTION ISSUE IS PERFECTLY AMBIGUOUS AND ILL-DEFINED. I SEE NO REASON TO ELABORATE

AMBIGUOUS AND ILL-DEFINED. I SEE NO REASON TO ELABORATE FURTHER.

I SEE NO REASON TO ELABORATE FURTHER. MS. MONTGOMERY, A QUESTION ON

FURTHER. MS. MONTGOMERY, A QUESTION ON ECONOMICS.

MS. MONTGOMERY, A QUESTION ON ECONOMICS. YES, MR. PRESIDENT, YOU SAID

ECONOMICS. YES, MR. PRESIDENT, YOU SAID THAT THE HUMPHREY-HAWKINS BILL

YES, MR. PRESIDENT, YOU SAID THAT THE HUMPHREY-HAWKINS BILL WILL COST A POSSIBLE

THAT THE HUMPHREY-HAWKINS BILL WILL COST A POSSIBLE $60 BILLION, BUT ISN'T IT TRUE

WILL COST A POSSIBLE $60 BILLION, BUT ISN'T IT TRUE THAT THE JOBS PROVIDED BY THE

$60 BILLION, BUT ISN'T IT TRUE THAT THE JOBS PROVIDED BY THE BILL WILL CREATE UP TO

THAT THE JOBS PROVIDED BY THE BILL WILL CREATE UP TO $150 BILLION IN INCREASED

BILL WILL CREATE UP TO $150 BILLION IN INCREASED PRODUCTION, USING

$150 BILLION IN INCREASED PRODUCTION, USING WALTER HELLER'S FIGURE THAT, FOR

PRODUCTION, USING WALTER HELLER'S FIGURE THAT, FOR EVERY 1% UNEMPLOYED, THERE IS A

WALTER HELLER'S FIGURE THAT, FOR EVERY 1% UNEMPLOYED, THERE IS A RESULTING $37 BILLION LOSS IN

EVERY 1% UNEMPLOYED, THERE IS A RESULTING $37 BILLION LOSS IN GNP?

RESULTING $37 BILLION LOSS IN GNP? NOW, AT THE PRESENT RATE OF

GNP? NOW, AT THE PRESENT RATE OF TAXATION ON GNP OF 39%, DOESN'T

NOW, AT THE PRESENT RATE OF TAXATION ON GNP OF 39%, DOESN'T THIS COME TO ABOUT THE SAME

TAXATION ON GNP OF 39%, DOESN'T THIS COME TO ABOUT THE SAME $60 BILLION IN INCREASED

THIS COME TO ABOUT THE SAME $60 BILLION IN INCREASED REVENUE?

$60 BILLION IN INCREASED REVENUE? IT WAS MY UNDERSTANDING THAT

REVENUE? IT WAS MY UNDERSTANDING THAT THERE WOULD BE NO MATH DURING

IT WAS MY UNDERSTANDING THAT THERE WOULD BE NO MATH DURING THE DEBATES.

THERE WOULD BE NO MATH DURING THE DEBATES. [COUGHS]

THE DEBATES. [COUGHS] NOW, I AM PREPARED TO ANSWER ANY

[COUGHS] NOW, I AM PREPARED TO ANSWER ANY DOMESTIC QUESTIONS, PERHAPS

NOW, I AM PREPARED TO ANSWER ANY DOMESTIC QUESTIONS, PERHAPS SOMETHING ABOUT ME AND BETTY?

DOMESTIC QUESTIONS, PERHAPS SOMETHING ABOUT ME AND BETTY? [BUZZER SOUNDS]

SOMETHING ABOUT ME AND BETTY? [BUZZER SOUNDS] EXCUSE ME AGAIN, MY FELLOW

[BUZZER SOUNDS] EXCUSE ME AGAIN, MY FELLOW AMERICANS.

EXCUSE ME AGAIN, MY FELLOW AMERICANS. MR. BURKE?

AMERICANS. MR. BURKE? THANK YOU.

MR. BURKE? THANK YOU. GOVERNOR CARTER, THE PRESIDENT

THANK YOU. GOVERNOR CARTER, THE PRESIDENT HAS ACCUSED YOU OF FLIP-FLOPPING

GOVERNOR CARTER, THE PRESIDENT HAS ACCUSED YOU OF FLIP-FLOPPING ON THE ISSUES.

HAS ACCUSED YOU OF FLIP-FLOPPING ON THE ISSUES. HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT THAT?

ON THE ISSUES. HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT THAT? I'VE... I HAVE NEVER

HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT THAT? I'VE... I HAVE NEVER FLIP-FLOPPED ON ANY ISSUE.

I'VE... I HAVE NEVER FLIP-FLOPPED ON ANY ISSUE. MR. CARTER, HOW ABOUT THE

FLIP-FLOPPED ON ANY ISSUE. MR. CARTER, HOW ABOUT THE KELLEY MATTER, WHERE ONE MINUTE,

MR. CARTER, HOW ABOUT THE KELLEY MATTER, WHERE ONE MINUTE, YOU SAID YOU WOULD HAVE FIRED

KELLEY MATTER, WHERE ONE MINUTE, YOU SAID YOU WOULD HAVE FIRED HIM, AND THE NEXT, YOU SAID YOU

YOU SAID YOU WOULD HAVE FIRED HIM, AND THE NEXT, YOU SAID YOU MAY KEEP HIM ON AS THE HEAD OF

HIM, AND THE NEXT, YOU SAID YOU MAY KEEP HIM ON AS THE HEAD OF THE FBI IF YOU BECAME PRESIDENT?

MAY KEEP HIM ON AS THE HEAD OF THE FBI IF YOU BECAME PRESIDENT? UH, WELL, I BELIEVE YOU'RE

THE FBI IF YOU BECAME PRESIDENT? UH, WELL, I BELIEVE YOU'RE RIGHT THERE.

UH, WELL, I BELIEVE YOU'RE RIGHT THERE. I DID FLIP-FLOP ON THAT, AND I

RIGHT THERE. I DID FLIP-FLOP ON THAT, AND I APOLOGIZE FOR SAYING THAT I

I DID FLIP-FLOP ON THAT, AND I APOLOGIZE FOR SAYING THAT I NEVER FLIP-FLOPPED ON ANY ISSUE,

APOLOGIZE FOR SAYING THAT I NEVER FLIP-FLOPPED ON ANY ISSUE, BUT THIS IS THE ONLY TIME I'VE

NEVER FLIP-FLOPPED ON ANY ISSUE, BUT THIS IS THE ONLY TIME I'VE EVER FLIP-FLOPPED.

BUT THIS IS THE ONLY TIME I'VE EVER FLIP-FLOPPED. WHAT ABOUT THE GRAIN-EMBARGO

EVER FLIP-FLOPPED. WHAT ABOUT THE GRAIN-EMBARGO ISSUE, WHERE ONE MINUTE, YOU

WHAT ABOUT THE GRAIN-EMBARGO ISSUE, WHERE ONE MINUTE, YOU SAID YOU'D NEVER IMPOSE A GRAIN

ISSUE, WHERE ONE MINUTE, YOU SAID YOU'D NEVER IMPOSE A GRAIN EMBARGO, AND THEN LATER YOU SAID

SAID YOU'D NEVER IMPOSE A GRAIN EMBARGO, AND THEN LATER YOU SAID YOU WOULD IMPOSE ONE IN CASE OF

EMBARGO, AND THEN LATER YOU SAID YOU WOULD IMPOSE ONE IN CASE OF A NATIONAL EMERGENCY?

YOU WOULD IMPOSE ONE IN CASE OF A NATIONAL EMERGENCY? ISN'T THAT CORRECT?

A NATIONAL EMERGENCY? ISN'T THAT CORRECT? I BELIEVE YOU'RE RIGHT AGAIN,

ISN'T THAT CORRECT? I BELIEVE YOU'RE RIGHT AGAIN, MR. BURKE.

I BELIEVE YOU'RE RIGHT AGAIN, MR. BURKE. I DID FLIP-FLOP ON THAT, AND I

MR. BURKE. I DID FLIP-FLOP ON THAT, AND I APOLOGIZE FOR SAYING THAT MY

I DID FLIP-FLOP ON THAT, AND I APOLOGIZE FOR SAYING THAT MY ONLY FLIP-FLOP WAS ON THE KELLEY

APOLOGIZE FOR SAYING THAT MY ONLY FLIP-FLOP WAS ON THE KELLEY MATTER, BUT... I'M FLIP-FLOPPING

ONLY FLIP-FLOP WAS ON THE KELLEY MATTER, BUT... I'M FLIP-FLOPPING AT THIS VERY MOMENT ON THE ISSUE

MATTER, BUT... I'M FLIP-FLOPPING AT THIS VERY MOMENT ON THE ISSUE OF FLIP-FLOPPING.

AT THIS VERY MOMENT ON THE ISSUE OF FLIP-FLOPPING. BUT I HONESTLY BELIEVE THAT BY

OF FLIP-FLOPPING. BUT I HONESTLY BELIEVE THAT BY APOLOGIZING AS QUICKLY AS I AM

BUT I HONESTLY BELIEVE THAT BY APOLOGIZING AS QUICKLY AS I AM RIGHT NOW, I'M SAVING MYSELF THE

APOLOGIZING AS QUICKLY AS I AM RIGHT NOW, I'M SAVING MYSELF THE EMBARRASSMENT THAT NORMALLY

RIGHT NOW, I'M SAVING MYSELF THE EMBARRASSMENT THAT NORMALLY ACCOMPANIES FLIP-FLOPPING.

EMBARRASSMENT THAT NORMALLY ACCOMPANIES FLIP-FLOPPING. [BUZZER SOUNDS]

ACCOMPANIES FLIP-FLOPPING. [BUZZER SOUNDS] MR. PRESIDENT, REBUTTAL?

[BUZZER SOUNDS] MR. PRESIDENT, REBUTTAL? YES.

MR. PRESIDENT, REBUTTAL? YES. LET ME JUST GET SOME...

YES. LET ME JUST GET SOME... GET SOME... GET SOME WATER.

LET ME JUST GET SOME... GET SOME... GET SOME WATER. I THINK... I THINK... I THINK

GET SOME... GET SOME WATER. I THINK... I THINK... I THINK THERE'S A SPECIFIC TECHNIQUE

I THINK... I THINK... I THINK THERE'S A SPECIFIC TECHNIQUE INVOLVED HERE, MR. PRESIDENT.

THERE'S A SPECIFIC TECHNIQUE INVOLVED HERE, MR. PRESIDENT. WELL, THERE ARE CLEARLY NO

INVOLVED HERE, MR. PRESIDENT. WELL, THERE ARE CLEARLY NO GLASSES, GOVERNOR.

WELL, THERE ARE CLEARLY NO GLASSES, GOVERNOR. JUST, YOU HAVE TO HOOK UP THE

GLASSES, GOVERNOR. JUST, YOU HAVE TO HOOK UP THE PITCHER WITH THE CLASS.

JUST, YOU HAVE TO HOOK UP THE PITCHER WITH THE CLASS. LET ME JUST...

PITCHER WITH THE CLASS. LET ME JUST... NO PROBLEM HERE.

LET ME JUST... NO PROBLEM HERE. I'VE GOT TO ANSWER.

NO PROBLEM HERE. I'VE GOT TO ANSWER. GOT TO ANSWER QUICK.

I'VE GOT TO ANSWER. GOT TO ANSWER QUICK. ASSISTANCE, SOMEONE.

GOT TO ANSWER QUICK. ASSISTANCE, SOMEONE. MR. PRESIDENT, PLEASE.

ASSISTANCE, SOMEONE. MR. PRESIDENT, PLEASE. THANK YOU.

MR. PRESIDENT, PLEASE. THANK YOU. JUST DO ME A FAVOR HERE.

THANK YOU. JUST DO ME A FAVOR HERE. GENTLEMEN, GENTLEMEN.

JUST DO ME A FAVOR HERE. GENTLEMEN, GENTLEMEN. UM...

GENTLEMEN, GENTLEMEN. UM... MR, PRESIDENT, IF I COULD...

UM... MR, PRESIDENT, IF I COULD... APPARENTLY, THE PRESIDENT AND

MR, PRESIDENT, IF I COULD... APPARENTLY, THE PRESIDENT AND MR. CARTER ARE UNABLE TO

APPARENTLY, THE PRESIDENT AND MR. CARTER ARE UNABLE TO CONTINUE.

MR. CARTER ARE UNABLE TO CONTINUE. PLEASE JOIN US IN TWO WEEKS FOR

CONTINUE. PLEASE JOIN US IN TWO WEEKS FOR THE SECOND PART OF THE

PLEASE JOIN US IN TWO WEEKS FOR THE SECOND PART OF THE FORD-CARTER DEBATE.

THE SECOND PART OF THE FORD-CARTER DEBATE. GOOD NIGHT, AND THANK YOU.

Announcer: HALF OF OUR

CONTESTANTS HAVE BEEN FLOWN HERE

BY GEORGIA AIRLINES.

THE OTHER HALF WERE FLOWN BY THE

UNITED STATES GOVERNMENT.

THE UNITED STATES GOVERNMENT...

MAKERS OF FINE WEAPONS FOR OVER

30 YEARS.

THE LEAGUE OF WOMEN VOTERS'

WARDROBES FURNISHED BY MR. GIRL.

STAY TUNED FOR "CHICO AND SON."

AH, HERE'S SOMETHING VERY SPECIAL... MR. JAMES TAYLOR. [APPLAUSE]

WOW. [INTRO TO "SHOWER THE PEOPLE" PLAYS]

[INTRO TO "SHOWER THE PEOPLE" PLAYS] ♪ YOU CAN PLAY THE GAME ♪

[PLAYS] ♪ YOU CAN PLAY THE GAME ♪ ♪ AND YOU CAN ACT OUT THE PART ♪

♪ YOU CAN PLAY THE GAME ♪ ♪ AND YOU CAN ACT OUT THE PART ♪ ♪ THOUGH YOU KNOW IT WASN'T

♪ AND YOU CAN ACT OUT THE PART ♪ ♪ THOUGH YOU KNOW IT WASN'T WRITTEN FOR YOU ♪

♪ THOUGH YOU KNOW IT WASN'T WRITTEN FOR YOU ♪ ♪ BUT TELL ME, HOW CAN YOU STAND

WRITTEN FOR YOU ♪ ♪ BUT TELL ME, HOW CAN YOU STAND THERE WITH YOUR BROKEN HEART ♪

♪ BUT TELL ME, HOW CAN YOU STAND THERE WITH YOUR BROKEN HEART ♪ ♪ ASHAMED OF PLAYING THE FOOL ♪

THERE WITH YOUR BROKEN HEART ♪ ♪ ASHAMED OF PLAYING THE FOOL ♪ ♪ ONE THING CAN LEAD TO

♪ ASHAMED OF PLAYING THE FOOL ♪ ♪ ONE THING CAN LEAD TO ANOTHER ♪

♪ ONE THING CAN LEAD TO ANOTHER ♪ ♪ IT DOESN'T TAKE ANY

ANOTHER ♪ ♪ IT DOESN'T TAKE ANY SACRIFICE ♪

♪ IT DOESN'T TAKE ANY SACRIFICE ♪ ♪ OH, FATHER AND MOTHER ♪

SACRIFICE ♪ ♪ OH, FATHER AND MOTHER ♪ ♪ AND SISTER AND BROTHER ♪

♪ OH, FATHER AND MOTHER ♪ ♪ AND SISTER AND BROTHER ♪ ♪ IF IT FEELS NICE ♪

♪ AND SISTER AND BROTHER ♪ ♪ IF IT FEELS NICE ♪ ♪ DON'T THINK TWICE ♪

♪ IF IT FEELS NICE ♪ ♪ DON'T THINK TWICE ♪ ♪ JUST SHOWER THE PEOPLE YOU

♪ DON'T THINK TWICE ♪ ♪ JUST SHOWER THE PEOPLE YOU LOVE WITH LOVE ♪

♪ JUST SHOWER THE PEOPLE YOU LOVE WITH LOVE ♪ ♪ SHOW THEM THE WAY THAT YOU

LOVE WITH LOVE ♪ ♪ SHOW THEM THE WAY THAT YOU FEEL ♪

♪ SHOW THEM THE WAY THAT YOU FEEL ♪ ♪ I KNOW THINGS ARE GONNA TURN

FEEL ♪ ♪ I KNOW THINGS ARE GONNA TURN OUT FINE IF YOU ONLY WILL ♪

♪ I KNOW THINGS ARE GONNA TURN OUT FINE IF YOU ONLY WILL ♪ ♪ DO AS I SAY, YEAH ♪

OUT FINE IF YOU ONLY WILL ♪ ♪ DO AS I SAY, YEAH ♪ ♪ SHOWER THE PEOPLE YOU LOVE

♪ DO AS I SAY, YEAH ♪ ♪ SHOWER THE PEOPLE YOU LOVE WITH LOVE ♪

♪ SHOWER THE PEOPLE YOU LOVE WITH LOVE ♪ ♪ SHOW THEM THE WAY YOU FEEL ♪

WITH LOVE ♪ ♪ SHOW THEM THE WAY YOU FEEL ♪ ♪ I KNOW THINGS ARE GONNA BE

♪ SHOW THEM THE WAY YOU FEEL ♪ ♪ I KNOW THINGS ARE GONNA BE MUCH BETTER IF YOU ONLY WILL ♪

♪ I KNOW THINGS ARE GONNA BE MUCH BETTER IF YOU ONLY WILL ♪ ♪ YOU CAN RUN, BUT YOU CANNOT

MUCH BETTER IF YOU ONLY WILL ♪ ♪ YOU CAN RUN, BUT YOU CANNOT HIDE ♪

♪ YOU CAN RUN, BUT YOU CANNOT HIDE ♪ ♪ THIS IS WIDELY KNOWN ♪

HIDE ♪ ♪ THIS IS WIDELY KNOWN ♪ ♪ AND WHAT YOU PLAN TO DO ABOUT

♪ THIS IS WIDELY KNOWN ♪ ♪ AND WHAT YOU PLAN TO DO ABOUT YOUR FOOLISH PRIDE ♪

♪ AND WHAT YOU PLAN TO DO ABOUT YOUR FOOLISH PRIDE ♪ ♪ WHEN YOU'RE ALL BY YOURSELF

YOUR FOOLISH PRIDE ♪ ♪ WHEN YOU'RE ALL BY YOURSELF ALONE ♪

♪ WHEN YOU'RE ALL BY YOURSELF ALONE ♪ ♪ ONCE YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE WAY

ALONE ♪ ♪ ONCE YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE WAY THAT YOU FEEL ♪

♪ ONCE YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE WAY THAT YOU FEEL ♪ ♪ YOU CAN FEEL IT BEGINNING TO

THAT YOU FEEL ♪ ♪ YOU CAN FEEL IT BEGINNING TO EASE ♪

♪ YOU CAN FEEL IT BEGINNING TO EASE ♪ ♪ I THINK IT'S TRUE WHAT THEY

EASE ♪ ♪ I THINK IT'S TRUE WHAT THEY SAY ABOUT THE SQUEAKY WHEEL ♪

♪ I THINK IT'S TRUE WHAT THEY SAY ABOUT THE SQUEAKY WHEEL ♪ ♪ ALWAYS GETTING THE GREASE ♪

SAY ABOUT THE SQUEAKY WHEEL ♪ ♪ ALWAYS GETTING THE GREASE ♪ ♪ BETTER TO SHOWER THE PEOPLE

♪ ALWAYS GETTING THE GREASE ♪ ♪ BETTER TO SHOWER THE PEOPLE YOU LOVE WITH LOVE ♪

♪ BETTER TO SHOWER THE PEOPLE YOU LOVE WITH LOVE ♪ ♪ OH, YEAH, SHOW THEM THE WAY

YOU LOVE WITH LOVE ♪ ♪ OH, YEAH, SHOW THEM THE WAY THAT YOU FEEL ♪

♪ OH, YEAH, SHOW THEM THE WAY THAT YOU FEEL ♪ ♪ I THINK THINGS ARE GONNA TURN

THAT YOU FEEL ♪ ♪ I THINK THINGS ARE GONNA TURN OUT RIGHT IF YOU ONLY WILL ♪

♪ I THINK THINGS ARE GONNA TURN OUT RIGHT IF YOU ONLY WILL ♪ ♪ WHAT I'D LIKE TO DO TO YOU ♪

OUT RIGHT IF YOU ONLY WILL ♪ ♪ WHAT I'D LIKE TO DO TO YOU ♪ ♪ SHOWER THE PEOPLE YOU LOVE

♪ WHAT I'D LIKE TO DO TO YOU ♪ ♪ SHOWER THE PEOPLE YOU LOVE WITH LOVE ♪

♪ SHOWER THE PEOPLE YOU LOVE WITH LOVE ♪ ♪ OH, YEAH, SHOW THEM THE WAY

WITH LOVE ♪ ♪ OH, YEAH, SHOW THEM THE WAY YOU FEEL ♪

♪ OH, YEAH, SHOW THEM THE WAY YOU FEEL ♪ ♪ THINGS ARE GONNA BE MUCH

YOU FEEL ♪ ♪ THINGS ARE GONNA BE MUCH BETTER IF YOU ONLY WILL ♪

♪ OH, OH, OHHHH, WHOA, NOW ♪ ♪ ...YOU LOVE WITH LOVE ♪ ♪ YEAH, SHOWER THEM ♪

♪ ...YOU LOVE WITH LOVE ♪ ♪ YEAH, SHOWER THEM ♪ ♪ ...THE WAY THAT YOU FEEL ♪

♪ YEAH, SHOWER THEM ♪ ♪ ...THE WAY THAT YOU FEEL ♪ ♪ SHOWER THE PEOPLE YOU LOVE

♪ ...THE WAY THAT YOU FEEL ♪ ♪ SHOWER THE PEOPLE YOU LOVE WITH LOVE ♪

♪ SHOWER THE PEOPLE YOU LOVE WITH LOVE ♪ ♪ THAT'S RIGHT ♪

WITH LOVE ♪ ♪ THAT'S RIGHT ♪ ♪ SHOW THEM THE WAY THAT YOU

♪ THAT'S RIGHT ♪ ♪ SHOW THEM THE WAY THAT YOU FEEL ♪

♪ SHOW THEM THE WAY THAT YOU FEEL ♪ ♪ THEY SAY IN EVERY LIFE ♪

FEEL ♪ ♪ THEY SAY IN EVERY LIFE ♪ ♪ ...PEOPLE YOU LOVE WITH

♪ THEY SAY IN EVERY LIFE ♪ ♪ ...PEOPLE YOU LOVE WITH LOVE ♪

♪ ...PEOPLE YOU LOVE WITH LOVE ♪ ♪ THEY SAY THAT THE RAIN WILL

LOVE ♪ ♪ THEY SAY THAT THE RAIN WILL FALL ♪

♪ THEY SAY THAT THE RAIN WILL FALL ♪ ♪ ...THAT YOU FEEL ♪

FALL ♪ ♪ ...THAT YOU FEEL ♪ ♪ JUST LIKE THE POURING

♪ ...THAT YOU FEEL ♪ ♪ JUST LIKE THE POURING RAIN ♪

♪ JUST LIKE THE POURING RAIN ♪ ♪ ...YOU LOVE WITH LOVE ♪

RAIN ♪ ♪ ...YOU LOVE WITH LOVE ♪ ♪ MAKE IT RAIN ♪

♪ ...YOU LOVE WITH LOVE ♪ ♪ MAKE IT RAIN ♪ ♪ ...THE WAY THAT YOU FEEL ♪

♪ MAKE IT RAIN ♪ ♪ ...THE WAY THAT YOU FEEL ♪ ♪ MAKE IT RAIN DOWN RAIN ♪

♪ ...THE WAY THAT YOU FEEL ♪ ♪ MAKE IT RAIN DOWN RAIN ♪ ♪ LOVE, LOVE, LOVE IS SUNSHINE ♪

♪ MAKE IT RAIN DOWN RAIN ♪ ♪ LOVE, LOVE, LOVE IS SUNSHINE ♪ ♪ ALL RIGHT, MAKE IT RAIN,

♪ LOVE, LOVE, LOVE IS SUNSHINE ♪ ♪ ALL RIGHT, MAKE IT RAIN, RAIN ♪

♪ ALL RIGHT, MAKE IT RAIN, RAIN ♪ ♪ LOVE, LOVE, LOVE IS SUNSHINE ♪

RAIN ♪ ♪ LOVE, LOVE, LOVE IS SUNSHINE ♪ ♪ ...WAY THAT YOU FEEL ♪

♪ LOVE, LOVE, LOVE IS SUNSHINE ♪ ♪ ...WAY THAT YOU FEEL ♪ ♪ I THINK THAT THINGS ARE

♪ ...WAY THAT YOU FEEL ♪ ♪ I THINK THAT THINGS ARE GONNA BE MUCH BETTER IF YOU ONLY

♪ I THINK THAT THINGS ARE GONNA BE MUCH BETTER IF YOU ONLY WILL, OH, YEAH ♪

GONNA BE MUCH BETTER IF YOU ONLY WILL, OH, YEAH ♪ [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

Announcer: AND NOW, "WEEKEND UPDATE" WITH CHEVY CHASE.

"WEEKEND UPDATE" WITH CHEVY CHASE. NO.

CHEVY CHASE. NO. ANY DESSERT TOPPING WILL DO, AS

NO. ANY DESSERT TOPPING WILL DO, AS FAR AS I KNOW.

ANY DESSERT TOPPING WILL DO, AS FAR AS I KNOW. WELL, AND A CONDIME...

FAR AS I KNOW. WELL, AND A CONDIME... I'LL TALK TO YOU LATER.

WELL, AND A CONDIME... I'LL TALK TO YOU LATER. GOOD EVENING.

I'LL TALK TO YOU LATER. GOOD EVENING. I'M GOD, AND HERE'S THE NEWS.

GOOD EVENING. I'M GOD, AND HERE'S THE NEWS. LET'S TAKE A LOOK AT THE TOP

I'M GOD, AND HERE'S THE NEWS. LET'S TAKE A LOOK AT THE TOP STORY, SHALL WE?

LET'S TAKE A LOOK AT THE TOP STORY, SHALL WE? MAO TSE-TUNG, CHAIRMAN OF THE

STORY, SHALL WE? MAO TSE-TUNG, CHAIRMAN OF THE CHINESE COMMUNIST PARTY, IS DEAD

MAO TSE-TUNG, CHAIRMAN OF THE CHINESE COMMUNIST PARTY, IS DEAD AT THE AGE OF 82 AFTER AN

CHINESE COMMUNIST PARTY, IS DEAD AT THE AGE OF 82 AFTER AN EXTENDED ILLNESS.

AT THE AGE OF 82 AFTER AN EXTENDED ILLNESS. AMID SPECULATION OVER WHO THE

EXTENDED ILLNESS. AMID SPECULATION OVER WHO THE NEXT LEADER WILL BE, SOURCES

AMID SPECULATION OVER WHO THE NEXT LEADER WILL BE, SOURCES CLOSE TO THE SCENE SAY THAT HE

NEXT LEADER WILL BE, SOURCES CLOSE TO THE SCENE SAY THAT HE WILL BE REPLACED BY

CLOSE TO THE SCENE SAY THAT HE WILL BE REPLACED BY IMITATION MAO.

WILL BE REPLACED BY IMITATION MAO. A STATEMENT JUST RELEASED BY

IMITATION MAO. A STATEMENT JUST RELEASED BY COMMUNIST CHINA REPORTS, "WE

A STATEMENT JUST RELEASED BY COMMUNIST CHINA REPORTS, "WE HAVE TO CALL HIM IMITATION, BUT

COMMUNIST CHINA REPORTS, "WE HAVE TO CALL HIM IMITATION, BUT YOU DON'T."

HAVE TO CALL HIM IMITATION, BUT YOU DON'T." PEOPLE'S REPUBLIC SAYS MAO'S

YOU DON'T." PEOPLE'S REPUBLIC SAYS MAO'S DEATH HAS CAUSED MUCH CONFUSION

PEOPLE'S REPUBLIC SAYS MAO'S DEATH HAS CAUSED MUCH CONFUSION AMONG THE POPULACE.

DEATH HAS CAUSED MUCH CONFUSION AMONG THE POPULACE. HERE, LARGE NUMBERS OF MOURNERS

AMONG THE POPULACE. HERE, LARGE NUMBERS OF MOURNERS ARE SHOWN LINING UP TO SEE THE

HERE, LARGE NUMBERS OF MOURNERS ARE SHOWN LINING UP TO SEE THE PREMIERE OF THE MOVIE

ARE SHOWN LINING UP TO SEE THE PREMIERE OF THE MOVIE "EARTHQUAKE."

PREMIERE OF THE MOVIE "EARTHQUAKE." GENERALISSIMO FRANCISCO FRANCO

"EARTHQUAKE." GENERALISSIMO FRANCISCO FRANCO HAS SPENT A RESTFUL SUMMER IN

GENERALISSIMO FRANCISCO FRANCO HAS SPENT A RESTFUL SUMMER IN SPAIN, AND PLANS TO REMAIN THERE

HAS SPENT A RESTFUL SUMMER IN SPAIN, AND PLANS TO REMAIN THERE FOR THE FALL AND POSSIBLY THE

SPAIN, AND PLANS TO REMAIN THERE FOR THE FALL AND POSSIBLY THE WINTER.

FOR THE FALL AND POSSIBLY THE WINTER. WELL, TENNIS PLAYER/

WINTER. WELL, TENNIS PLAYER/ OPHTHALMOLOGIST/TRANSSEXUAL

WELL, TENNIS PLAYER/ OPHTHALMOLOGIST/TRANSSEXUAL DR. RENEE RICHARDS IS WRITING A

OPHTHALMOLOGIST/TRANSSEXUAL DR. RENEE RICHARDS IS WRITING A BOOK ABOUT HER LIFE.

DR. RENEE RICHARDS IS WRITING A BOOK ABOUT HER LIFE. IT IS TENTATIVELY TITLED

BOOK ABOUT HER LIFE. IT IS TENTATIVELY TITLED "TENNIS WITHOUT BALLS."

IT IS TENTATIVELY TITLED "TENNIS WITHOUT BALLS." UGANDAN PRESIDENT IDI AMIN

"TENNIS WITHOUT BALLS." UGANDAN PRESIDENT IDI AMIN ANNOUNCED HE WILL UNDERGO A

UGANDAN PRESIDENT IDI AMIN ANNOUNCED HE WILL UNDERGO A SPECIES-CHANGE OPERATION IN AN

ANNOUNCED HE WILL UNDERGO A SPECIES-CHANGE OPERATION IN AN EFFORT TO BECOME A HUMAN BEING.

SPECIES-CHANGE OPERATION IN AN EFFORT TO BECOME A HUMAN BEING. IF THE OPERATION IS SUCCESSFUL,

EFFORT TO BECOME A HUMAN BEING. IF THE OPERATION IS SUCCESSFUL, AMIN SAYS HE WILL PURSUE A

IF THE OPERATION IS SUCCESSFUL, AMIN SAYS HE WILL PURSUE A CAREER ON AMERICAN TELEVISION.

AMIN SAYS HE WILL PURSUE A CAREER ON AMERICAN TELEVISION. IF IT IS NOT SUCCESSFUL, HE WILL

CAREER ON AMERICAN TELEVISION. IF IT IS NOT SUCCESSFUL, HE WILL EAT AMERICAN TELEVISION.

IF IT IS NOT SUCCESSFUL, HE WILL EAT AMERICAN TELEVISION. SAMMY DAVIS JR. TOOK TIME OUT

EAT AMERICAN TELEVISION. SAMMY DAVIS JR. TOOK TIME OUT FROM HIS HECTIC TV AND

SAMMY DAVIS JR. TOOK TIME OUT FROM HIS HECTIC TV AND NIGHT-CLUB SCHEDULE THIS WEEK TO

FROM HIS HECTIC TV AND NIGHT-CLUB SCHEDULE THIS WEEK TO FLY TO DENMARK.

NIGHT-CLUB SCHEDULE THIS WEEK TO FLY TO DENMARK. THE BLACK ENTERTAINER IS

FLY TO DENMARK. THE BLACK ENTERTAINER IS PICTURED HERE AFTER A DISCUSSION

THE BLACK ENTERTAINER IS PICTURED HERE AFTER A DISCUSSION WITH DANISH PHYSICIANS

PICTURED HERE AFTER A DISCUSSION WITH DANISH PHYSICIANS CONCERNING SAMMY'S UPCOMING

WITH DANISH PHYSICIANS CONCERNING SAMMY'S UPCOMING OPERATION TO HAVE HIS JEWELS

CONCERNING SAMMY'S UPCOMING OPERATION TO HAVE HIS JEWELS REMOVED.

OPERATION TO HAVE HIS JEWELS REMOVED. IN NEW YORK THIS WEEK,

REMOVED. IN NEW YORK THIS WEEK, RAMSEY CLARK, PAUL O'DWYER,

IN NEW YORK THIS WEEK, RAMSEY CLARK, PAUL O'DWYER, BELLA ABZUG, DANIEL PATRICK

RAMSEY CLARK, PAUL O'DWYER, BELLA ABZUG, DANIEL PATRICK MOYNIHAN, AND ABE HIRSCHFELD.

BELLA ABZUG, DANIEL PATRICK MOYNIHAN, AND ABE HIRSCHFELD. WELL, MASS MURDERER

MOYNIHAN, AND ABE HIRSCHFELD. WELL, MASS MURDERER RICHARD SPECK, SENTENCED TO

WELL, MASS MURDERER RICHARD SPECK, SENTENCED TO 1,200 YEARS FOR KILLING

RICHARD SPECK, SENTENCED TO 1,200 YEARS FOR KILLING 8 STUDENT NURSES, WAS UP FOR

1,200 YEARS FOR KILLING 8 STUDENT NURSES, WAS UP FOR PAROLE THIS WEEK.

8 STUDENT NURSES, WAS UP FOR PAROLE THIS WEEK. ACCORDING TO PRISON AUTHORITIES,

PAROLE THIS WEEK. ACCORDING TO PRISON AUTHORITIES, HE WAS GIVEN 11 CENTURIES OFF

ACCORDING TO PRISON AUTHORITIES, HE WAS GIVEN 11 CENTURIES OFF FOR GOOD BEHAVIOR.

HE WAS GIVEN 11 CENTURIES OFF FOR GOOD BEHAVIOR. LOOKS LIKE THERE'S MORE TROUBLE

FOR GOOD BEHAVIOR. LOOKS LIKE THERE'S MORE TROUBLE AT THE BLAINE HOTEL.

LOOKS LIKE THERE'S MORE TROUBLE AT THE BLAINE HOTEL. FOR MORE ON THAT STORY, LET'S GO

AT THE BLAINE HOTEL. FOR MORE ON THAT STORY, LET'S GO LIVE TO CORRESPONDENT

FOR MORE ON THAT STORY, LET'S GO LIVE TO CORRESPONDENT LARAINE NEWMAN AT THE BLAINE.

LIVE TO CORRESPONDENT LARAINE NEWMAN AT THE BLAINE. COME IN, LARAINE.

CHEVY, I'M STANDING HERE

OUTSIDE A ROOM AT THE

BLAINE HOTEL WHERE, ONCE AGAIN,

TRAGEDY HAS STRICKEN.

THIS TIME, IT'S SICKNESS. LAST WEEK, A CONVENTION STAYED HERE, CHEVY, AND TO DATE, 30

LAST WEEK, A CONVENTION STAYED HERE, CHEVY, AND TO DATE, 30 PEOPLE HAVE CONTRACTED AND BEEN

HERE, CHEVY, AND TO DATE, 30 PEOPLE HAVE CONTRACTED AND BEEN FELLED BY WHAT REPORTERS ARE

PEOPLE HAVE CONTRACTED AND BEEN FELLED BY WHAT REPORTERS ARE REFERRING TO AS "THE FOREIGN

FELLED BY WHAT REPORTERS ARE REFERRING TO AS "THE FOREIGN LEGIONNAIRE'S DISEASE," A

REFERRING TO AS "THE FOREIGN LEGIONNAIRE'S DISEASE," A STRANGE AFFLICTION, CHEVY,

LEGIONNAIRE'S DISEASE," A STRANGE AFFLICTION, CHEVY, WHERE, INEXPLICABLY, A NORMAL,

STRANGE AFFLICTION, CHEVY, WHERE, INEXPLICABLY, A NORMAL, HEALTHY PERSON SUDDENLY BECOMES

WHERE, INEXPLICABLY, A NORMAL, HEALTHY PERSON SUDDENLY BECOMES SILENT AND, AFTER A MOMENTARY

HEALTHY PERSON SUDDENLY BECOMES SILENT AND, AFTER A MOMENTARY LAPSE, STARTS SPEAKING A FOREIGN

SILENT AND, AFTER A MOMENTARY LAPSE, STARTS SPEAKING A FOREIGN LANGUAGE BEFORE DROPPING DEAD.

LAPSE, STARTS SPEAKING A FOREIGN LANGUAGE BEFORE DROPPING DEAD. WITH ME IS MR. PAUL RUTHERFORD,

LANGUAGE BEFORE DROPPING DEAD. WITH ME IS MR. PAUL RUTHERFORD, THE BLAINE'S MANAGER.

WITH ME IS MR. PAUL RUTHERFORD, THE BLAINE'S MANAGER. MR. RUTHERFORD, IS THERE ANY

THE BLAINE'S MANAGER. MR. RUTHERFORD, IS THERE ANY EXPLANATION FOR THIS OCCURRENCE?

MR. RUTHERFORD, IS THERE ANY EXPLANATION FOR THIS OCCURRENCE? NOT AT ALL.

EXPLANATION FOR THIS OCCURRENCE? NOT AT ALL. THE DOCTORS DON'T KNOW WHAT THE

NOT AT ALL. THE DOCTORS DON'T KNOW WHAT THE CAUSE IS, AND I CAN ASSURE YOU

THE DOCTORS DON'T KNOW WHAT THE CAUSE IS, AND I CAN ASSURE YOU THAT IT'S ONLY A COINCIDENCE AND

CAUSE IS, AND I CAN ASSURE YOU THAT IT'S ONLY A COINCIDENCE AND IT ABSOLUTELY HAS NO REFLECTION

THAT IT'S ONLY A COINCIDENCE AND IT ABSOLUTELY HAS NO REFLECTION UPON MY HOTEL.

IT ABSOLUTELY HAS NO REFLECTION UPON MY HOTEL. MAYBE IT'S A VIRUS THAT'S GOING

UPON MY HOTEL. MAYBE IT'S A VIRUS THAT'S GOING AROUND.

MAYBE IT'S A VIRUS THAT'S GOING AROUND. IT COULD BE, YOU KNOW, THE FLU.

AROUND. IT COULD BE, YOU KNOW, THE FLU. YOU KNOW, COULD BE A COLD.

IT COULD BE, YOU KNOW, THE FLU. YOU KNOW, COULD BE A COLD. IT COULD BE...

YOU KNOW, COULD BE A COLD. IT COULD BE... [SPEAKING SPANISH]

IT COULD BE... [SPEAKING SPANISH] CHEVY, THE COUNT IS NOW 31

[SPEAKING SPANISH] CHEVY, THE COUNT IS NOW 31 PEOPLE WHO HAVE BEEN FELLED BY

CHEVY, THE COUNT IS NOW 31 PEOPLE WHO HAVE BEEN FELLED BY THIS CURIOUS DISEASE.

PEOPLE WHO HAVE BEEN FELLED BY THIS CURIOUS DISEASE. DOCTORS ARE AT A LOSS, AS ARE

THIS CURIOUS DISEASE. DOCTORS ARE AT A LOSS, AS ARE THE POLICE.

DOCTORS ARE AT A LOSS, AS ARE THE POLICE. UNTIL SOMETHING IS DETERMINED,

THE POLICE. UNTIL SOMETHING IS DETERMINED, THIS IS LARAINE NEWMAN SAYING...

UNTIL SOMETHING IS DETERMINED, THIS IS LARAINE NEWMAN SAYING... [SPEAKING FRENCH]

STILL TO COME, ROCKY FLIPS THE BIRD AFTER THIS FILL MESSAGE.

THE BIRD AFTER THIS FILL MESSAGE. BACK IN ONE MINUTE.

A GRACIOUS HELLO. HERE AT THE PHONE COMPANY, WE HANDLE 84 BILLION CALLS A YEAR,

HERE AT THE PHONE COMPANY, WE HANDLE 84 BILLION CALLS A YEAR, SERVING EVERYONE FROM PRESIDENTS

HANDLE 84 BILLION CALLS A YEAR, SERVING EVERYONE FROM PRESIDENTS AND KINGS TO THE SCUM OF THE

SERVING EVERYONE FROM PRESIDENTS AND KINGS TO THE SCUM OF THE EARTH, SO WE REALIZE THAT, EVERY

AND KINGS TO THE SCUM OF THE EARTH, SO WE REALIZE THAT, EVERY SO OFTEN, YOU CAN'T GET AN

EARTH, SO WE REALIZE THAT, EVERY SO OFTEN, YOU CAN'T GET AN OPERATOR, FOR NO APPARENT REASON

SO OFTEN, YOU CAN'T GET AN OPERATOR, FOR NO APPARENT REASON YOUR PHONE GOES OUT OF ORDER, OR

OPERATOR, FOR NO APPARENT REASON YOUR PHONE GOES OUT OF ORDER, OR PERHAPS YOU'VE BEEN CHARGED FOR

YOUR PHONE GOES OUT OF ORDER, OR PERHAPS YOU'VE BEEN CHARGED FOR A CALL YOU DIDN'T MAKE.

PERHAPS YOU'VE BEEN CHARGED FOR A CALL YOU DIDN'T MAKE. WE DON'T CARE.

A CALL YOU DIDN'T MAKE. WE DON'T CARE. WATCH THIS.

WE DON'T CARE. WATCH THIS. JUST LOST PEORIA.

WATCH THIS. JUST LOST PEORIA. YOU SEE, THIS PHONE SYSTEM

JUST LOST PEORIA. YOU SEE, THIS PHONE SYSTEM CONSISTS OF A

YOU SEE, THIS PHONE SYSTEM CONSISTS OF A MULTIBILLION-DOLLAR MATRIX OF

CONSISTS OF A MULTIBILLION-DOLLAR MATRIX OF SPACE-AGE TECHNOLOGY THAT IS SO

MULTIBILLION-DOLLAR MATRIX OF SPACE-AGE TECHNOLOGY THAT IS SO SOPHISTICATED...

SPACE-AGE TECHNOLOGY THAT IS SO SOPHISTICATED... EVEN WE CAN'T HANDLE IT.

SOPHISTICATED... EVEN WE CAN'T HANDLE IT. BUT THAT'S YOUR PROBLEM, ISN'T

EVEN WE CAN'T HANDLE IT. BUT THAT'S YOUR PROBLEM, ISN'T IT?

BUT THAT'S YOUR PROBLEM, ISN'T IT? SO THE NEXT TIME YOU COMPLAIN

IT? SO THE NEXT TIME YOU COMPLAIN ABOUT YOUR PHONE SERVICE, WHY

SO THE NEXT TIME YOU COMPLAIN ABOUT YOUR PHONE SERVICE, WHY DON'T YOU TRY USING TWO DIXIE

ABOUT YOUR PHONE SERVICE, WHY DON'T YOU TRY USING TWO DIXIE CUPS WITH A STRING?

DON'T YOU TRY USING TWO DIXIE CUPS WITH A STRING? WE DON'T CARE.

CUPS WITH A STRING? WE DON'T CARE. WE DON'T HAVE TO.

WE DON'T CARE. WE DON'T HAVE TO. WE'RE THE PHONE COMPANY.

Announcer: GUESTS OF THE "SATURDAY NIGHT" SHOW STAY AT THE FABULOUS BLAINE HOTEL.

"SATURDAY NIGHT" SHOW STAY AT THE FABULOUS BLAINE HOTEL. THE BLAINE HOTEL... A TRADITION

THE FABULOUS BLAINE HOTEL. THE BLAINE HOTEL... A TRADITION IN EXCELLENCE FOR OVER...

THE BLAINE HOTEL... A TRADITION IN EXCELLENCE FOR OVER... SAYONARA.

IN EXCELLENCE FOR OVER... SAYONARA. [BANGING]

SAYONARA. [BANGING] [CHOKING]

DEAN MARTIN AND JERRY LEWIS ENJOYED A TEARFUL REUNION BEFORE A NATIONWIDE AUDIENCE ON

ENJOYED A TEARFUL REUNION BEFORE A NATIONWIDE AUDIENCE ON TELEVISION ON LABOR DAY.

A NATIONWIDE AUDIENCE ON TELEVISION ON LABOR DAY. THE FORMER COMEDY TEAM, WHO HAD

TELEVISION ON LABOR DAY. THE FORMER COMEDY TEAM, WHO HAD NOT SPOKEN TO EACH OTHER FOR

THE FORMER COMEDY TEAM, WHO HAD NOT SPOKEN TO EACH OTHER FOR NEARLY 20 YEARS PRIOR TO THEIR

NOT SPOKEN TO EACH OTHER FOR NEARLY 20 YEARS PRIOR TO THEIR REUNION, WAS SUCH AN

NEARLY 20 YEARS PRIOR TO THEIR REUNION, WAS SUCH AN INSPIRATIONAL OCCASION THAT IT

REUNION, WAS SUCH AN INSPIRATIONAL OCCASION THAT IT IS RUMORED TO HAVE SPURRED A

INSPIRATIONAL OCCASION THAT IT IS RUMORED TO HAVE SPURRED A RASH OF OTHER REUNIONS,

IS RUMORED TO HAVE SPURRED A RASH OF OTHER REUNIONS, REUNITING SUCH PERSONAGES AS

RASH OF OTHER REUNIONS, REUNITING SUCH PERSONAGES AS LUCILLE BALL WITH DESI ARNAZ,

REUNITING SUCH PERSONAGES AS LUCILLE BALL WITH DESI ARNAZ, DEBBIE REYNOLDS WITH

LUCILLE BALL WITH DESI ARNAZ, DEBBIE REYNOLDS WITH EDDIE FISCHER, AND JIMMY HOFFA.

DEBBIE REYNOLDS WITH EDDIE FISCHER, AND JIMMY HOFFA. THIS JUST IN FROM THE BUREAU OF

EDDIE FISCHER, AND JIMMY HOFFA. THIS JUST IN FROM THE BUREAU OF POPULAR EXPRESSIONS IN

THIS JUST IN FROM THE BUREAU OF POPULAR EXPRESSIONS IN WASHINGTON, D.C.

POPULAR EXPRESSIONS IN WASHINGTON, D.C. THE EXPRESSION "HAVE A NICE DAY"

WASHINGTON, D.C. THE EXPRESSION "HAVE A NICE DAY" WILL BE CHANGED TO "SO LONG NOW.

THE EXPRESSION "HAVE A NICE DAY" WILL BE CHANGED TO "SO LONG NOW. SEE YOU SOON."

WILL BE CHANGED TO "SO LONG NOW. SEE YOU SOON." [CHUCKLES]

SEE YOU SOON." [CHUCKLES] THIS WEEK, CONGRESS PASSED A

[CHUCKLES] THIS WEEK, CONGRESS PASSED A MOTION TO REOPEN THE

THIS WEEK, CONGRESS PASSED A MOTION TO REOPEN THE INVESTIGATION INTO THE

MOTION TO REOPEN THE INVESTIGATION INTO THE ASSASSINATION OF

INVESTIGATION INTO THE ASSASSINATION OF PRESIDENT KENNEDY.

ASSASSINATION OF PRESIDENT KENNEDY. A RELIABLE SOURCE ON

PRESIDENT KENNEDY. A RELIABLE SOURCE ON CAPITOL HILL SAID THE MOTION WAS

A RELIABLE SOURCE ON CAPITOL HILL SAID THE MOTION WAS PASSED BECAUSE THE LAST LIVING

CAPITOL HILL SAID THE MOTION WAS PASSED BECAUSE THE LAST LIVING PERSON ACTUALLY INVOLVED IN THE

PASSED BECAUSE THE LAST LIVING PERSON ACTUALLY INVOLVED IN THE ASSASSINATION CONSPIRACY HAS

PERSON ACTUALLY INVOLVED IN THE ASSASSINATION CONSPIRACY HAS FINALLY DIED.

ASSASSINATION CONSPIRACY HAS FINALLY DIED. [TELEPHONE RINGS]

FINALLY DIED. [TELEPHONE RINGS] HELLO?

[TELEPHONE RINGS] HELLO? HELLO, IS THIS

HELLO? HELLO, IS THIS CHEDDAR CHEESE?

HELLO, IS THIS CHEDDAR CHEESE? YES, MS. LITELLA.

CHEDDAR CHEESE? YES, MS. LITELLA. OH, HOW WAS YOUR SUMMER,

YES, MS. LITELLA. OH, HOW WAS YOUR SUMMER, CHEDDAR?

OH, HOW WAS YOUR SUMMER, CHEDDAR? MS. LITELLA, I'M ON THE AIR

CHEDDAR? MS. LITELLA, I'M ON THE AIR RIGHT NOW.

MS. LITELLA, I'M ON THE AIR RIGHT NOW. COULD YOU JUST SEND IN YOUR

RIGHT NOW. COULD YOU JUST SEND IN YOUR EDITORIAL REPLY OR CALL BACK?

COULD YOU JUST SEND IN YOUR EDITORIAL REPLY OR CALL BACK? WELL, CHEDDAR, I KNOW YOU'RE

EDITORIAL REPLY OR CALL BACK? WELL, CHEDDAR, I KNOW YOU'RE VERY BUSY, AND I DON'T WANT TO

WELL, CHEDDAR, I KNOW YOU'RE VERY BUSY, AND I DON'T WANT TO TAKE UP TOO MUCH OF YOUR TIME,

VERY BUSY, AND I DON'T WANT TO TAKE UP TOO MUCH OF YOUR TIME, BUT WHAT'S ALL THIS FUSS I KEEP

TAKE UP TOO MUCH OF YOUR TIME, BUT WHAT'S ALL THIS FUSS I KEEP HEARING ABOUT FIVE CRUSTACEANS

BUT WHAT'S ALL THIS FUSS I KEEP HEARING ABOUT FIVE CRUSTACEANS HIJACKING AN AIRPLANE?

HEARING ABOUT FIVE CRUSTACEANS HIJACKING AN AIRPLANE? NOW, I JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND HOW

HIJACKING AN AIRPLANE? NOW, I JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND HOW FIVE SMALL ANIMALS WITH LITTLE

NOW, I JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND HOW FIVE SMALL ANIMALS WITH LITTLE SHELLS CAN EVEN GET ON A PLANE

FIVE SMALL ANIMALS WITH LITTLE SHELLS CAN EVEN GET ON A PLANE IN THE FIRST PLACE, LET ALONE

SHELLS CAN EVEN GET ON A PLANE IN THE FIRST PLACE, LET ALONE STEAL IT.

IN THE FIRST PLACE, LET ALONE STEAL IT. NOW, WHERE DID THEY HIDE THEIR

STEAL IT. NOW, WHERE DID THEY HIDE THEIR GUNS, AND WHO MADE THEIR LITTLE

NOW, WHERE DID THEY HIDE THEIR GUNS, AND WHO MADE THEIR LITTLE MASKS FOR THEM?

GUNS, AND WHO MADE THEIR LITTLE MASKS FOR THEM? MIND YOU, I DON'T BLAME THOSE

MASKS FOR THEM? MIND YOU, I DON'T BLAME THOSE LITTLE BUGGERS FOR BEING UPSET

MIND YOU, I DON'T BLAME THOSE LITTLE BUGGERS FOR BEING UPSET AT US AFTER WHAT WE'VE DONE TO

LITTLE BUGGERS FOR BEING UPSET AT US AFTER WHAT WE'VE DONE TO THEIR WATER, BUT IT'S

AT US AFTER WHAT WE'VE DONE TO THEIR WATER, BUT IT'S OUTRAGEOUS.

THEIR WATER, BUT IT'S OUTRAGEOUS. HOW COULD THESE LITTLE

OUTRAGEOUS. HOW COULD THESE LITTLE CRUSTACEANS STEAL A PLANE?

HOW COULD THESE LITTLE CRUSTACEANS STEAL A PLANE? MS. LITELLA.

CRUSTACEANS STEAL A PLANE? MS. LITELLA. YES?

MS. LITELLA. YES? UH, THAT WAS CROATIANS.

YES? UH, THAT WAS CROATIANS. FIVE CROATIANS HIJACKED A PLANE.

UH, THAT WAS CROATIANS. FIVE CROATIANS HIJACKED A PLANE. NOT CRUSTACEANS, CROATIANS.

FIVE CROATIANS HIJACKED A PLANE. NOT CRUSTACEANS, CROATIANS. CROATIANS?

NOT CRUSTACEANS, CROATIANS. CROATIANS? YES.

CROATIANS? YES. WHAT ARE THOSE?

YES. WHAT ARE THOSE? THEY'RE ANOTHER FORM OF

WHAT ARE THOSE? THEY'RE ANOTHER FORM OF SHELLFISH, MS. LITELLA.

THEY'RE ANOTHER FORM OF SHELLFISH, MS. LITELLA. OH, WELL, THAT'S DIFFERENT.

SHELLFISH, MS. LITELLA. OH, WELL, THAT'S DIFFERENT. NEVER MIND.

OH, WELL, THAT'S DIFFERENT. NEVER MIND. BYE.

NEVER MIND. BYE. OUR FINAL STORY TONIGHT, THIS

BYE. OUR FINAL STORY TONIGHT, THIS TRAGIC ITEM.

OUR FINAL STORY TONIGHT, THIS TRAGIC ITEM. AN OVERLOADED FERRY BOAT

TRAGIC ITEM. AN OVERLOADED FERRY BOAT CAPSIZED LATE YESTERDAY ON THE

AN OVERLOADED FERRY BOAT CAPSIZED LATE YESTERDAY ON THE RAMBUN RIVER IN NORTHEAST

CAPSIZED LATE YESTERDAY ON THE RAMBUN RIVER IN NORTHEAST PAKISTAN.

RAMBUN RIVER IN NORTHEAST PAKISTAN. OFFICIALS AT THE SCENE NOW

PAKISTAN. OFFICIALS AT THE SCENE NOW ESTIMATE THAT AS MANY AS

OFFICIALS AT THE SCENE NOW ESTIMATE THAT AS MANY AS 500 FERRIES MAY HAVE DROWNED.

ESTIMATE THAT AS MANY AS 500 FERRIES MAY HAVE DROWNED. WELL, THAT'S ALL THE NEWS WE

500 FERRIES MAY HAVE DROWNED. WELL, THAT'S ALL THE NEWS WE HAVE FOR TONIGHT.

WELL, THAT'S ALL THE NEWS WE HAVE FOR TONIGHT. GOOD NIGHT, AND HAVE A PLEASANT

HAVE FOR TONIGHT. GOOD NIGHT, AND HAVE A PLEASANT TOMORROW.

[GRUNTING] BOY, DO I HAVE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM.

BOY, DO I HAVE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM. FEELS LIKE I BEEN IN STORAGE FOR

BATHROOM. FEELS LIKE I BEEN IN STORAGE FOR MONTHS.

FEELS LIKE I BEEN IN STORAGE FOR MONTHS. HEY, WHAT IS THIS PLACE, A

MONTHS. HEY, WHAT IS THIS PLACE, A MORGUE?

HEY, WHAT IS THIS PLACE, A MORGUE? OH, WOW, A MORGUE!

MORGUE? OH, WOW, A MORGUE! HEY, BOSS!

OH, WOW, A MORGUE! HEY, BOSS! HEY, CHIEF! PLOOBIS!

HEY, BOSS! HEY, CHIEF! PLOOBIS! HEY, PLOOBIS!

HEY, CHIEF! PLOOBIS! HEY, PLOOBIS! WHAT'S GOING ON?

HEY, PLOOBIS! WHAT'S GOING ON? PEUTA, DID YOU KNOW WE BEEN

WHAT'S GOING ON? PEUTA, DID YOU KNOW WE BEEN DEAD FOR THREE MONTHS?

PEUTA, DID YOU KNOW WE BEEN DEAD FOR THREE MONTHS? WHAT? HOW COULD THAT BE?

DEAD FOR THREE MONTHS? WHAT? HOW COULD THAT BE? I WAS SURE WE WERE JUST ON THE

WHAT? HOW COULD THAT BE? I WAS SURE WE WERE JUST ON THE AIR.

I WAS SURE WE WERE JUST ON THE AIR. OH, OR WAS THAT A DREAM?

AIR. OH, OR WAS THAT A DREAM? NO, THAT WAS A RERUN.

OH, OR WAS THAT A DREAM? NO, THAT WAS A RERUN. [GRUNTING]

NO, THAT WAS A RERUN. [GRUNTING] HEY, WATCH IT DOWN THERE.

[GRUNTING] HEY, WATCH IT DOWN THERE. [GRUNTS]

HEY, WATCH IT DOWN THERE. [GRUNTS] PEUTA, IS THAT YOU UP THERE?

[GRUNTS] PEUTA, IS THAT YOU UP THERE? YES.

PEUTA, IS THAT YOU UP THERE? YES. HOLD YOUR BREATH.

YES. HOLD YOUR BREATH. [INHALES SHARPLY]

HEY, BOSS, IT'S YOU. THIS IS A RESURRECTION. THERE IS LIFE AFTER DEATH, AND

THIS IS A RESURRECTION. THERE IS LIFE AFTER DEATH, AND WE ARE THE LIVING PROOF OF IT.

THERE IS LIFE AFTER DEATH, AND WE ARE THE LIVING PROOF OF IT. SAY, "HALLELUJAH."

WE ARE THE LIVING PROOF OF IT. SAY, "HALLELUJAH." Both: HALLELUJAH.

SAY, "HALLELUJAH." Both: HALLELUJAH. THIS HAS ALL COME ABOUT AS IT

Both: HALLELUJAH. THIS HAS ALL COME ABOUT AS IT WAS PREDICTED AND SPOKE OF IN

THIS HAS ALL COME ABOUT AS IT WAS PREDICTED AND SPOKE OF IN THE GREAT BOOK.

WAS PREDICTED AND SPOKE OF IN THE GREAT BOOK. THE BIBLE?

THE GREAT BOOK. THE BIBLE? NO, "BILL BARRETT'S BOOK OF

THE BIBLE? NO, "BILL BARRETT'S BOOK OF PUPPETRY."

NO, "BILL BARRETT'S BOOK OF PUPPETRY." AMEN.

PUPPETRY." AMEN. YEAH, AND IT ALSO SAYS THAT THE

AMEN. YEAH, AND IT ALSO SAYS THAT THE MEAT SHALL INHERIT THE EARTH.

YEAH, AND IT ALSO SAYS THAT THE MEAT SHALL INHERIT THE EARTH. [CHUCKLES]

MEAT SHALL INHERIT THE EARTH. [CHUCKLES] NOT YET YOU WANT TO INHERIT

[CHUCKLES] NOT YET YOU WANT TO INHERIT THE EARTH, YOU WIMP.

NOT YET YOU WANT TO INHERIT THE EARTH, YOU WIMP. [GRUNTS]

THE EARTH, YOU WIMP. [GRUNTS] PLOOBIS, SOMETHING'S ON FIRE.

[GRUNTS] PLOOBIS, SOMETHING'S ON FIRE. HUH?

PLOOBIS, SOMETHING'S ON FIRE. HUH? OH, LOOK.

HUH? OH, LOOK. UH, HEY.

OH, LOOK. UH, HEY. HEY.

UH, HEY. HEY. FAR OUT.

HEY. FAR OUT. OH, WOW, THAT WAS SOME SMOKE.

FAR OUT. OH, WOW, THAT WAS SOME SMOKE. WHAT'S HAPPENING?

OH, WOW, THAT WAS SOME SMOKE. WHAT'S HAPPENING? HEY, WISSS, IS THAT YOU?

WHAT'S HAPPENING? HEY, WISSS, IS THAT YOU? IT NEVER WAS, MAN, NEVER WAS.

HEY, WISSS, IS THAT YOU? IT NEVER WAS, MAN, NEVER WAS. OH, HEY.

IT NEVER WAS, MAN, NEVER WAS. OH, HEY. OH, NO, WE'RE BACK ON THE SHOW.

OH, HEY. OH, NO, WE'RE BACK ON THE SHOW. YEAH, AND WHAT ARE WE GONNA

OH, NO, WE'RE BACK ON THE SHOW. YEAH, AND WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO?

YEAH, AND WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO? I DON'T KNOW.

DO? I DON'T KNOW. I THINK WE SHOULD ASK SOMEBODY.

I DON'T KNOW. I THINK WE SHOULD ASK SOMEBODY. WHAT DO YOU SUPPOSE EVER

I THINK WE SHOULD ASK SOMEBODY. WHAT DO YOU SUPPOSE EVER HAPPENED TO THE MIGHTY

WHAT DO YOU SUPPOSE EVER HAPPENED TO THE MIGHTY WHAT'S-HIS-FACE?

HAPPENED TO THE MIGHTY WHAT'S-HIS-FACE? THE MIGHTY FAVOG!

WHAT'S-HIS-FACE? THE MIGHTY FAVOG! [GONG BANGS]

THE MIGHTY FAVOG! [GONG BANGS] IT IS HUMILIATING TO PUT A

[GONG BANGS] IT IS HUMILIATING TO PUT A DUST COVER UPON YOUR SPIRITUAL

IT IS HUMILIATING TO PUT A DUST COVER UPON YOUR SPIRITUAL GUIDE.

GUIDE. ALL RIGHT.

ALL RIGHT. OH, OH, MIGHT FAVOG.

OH, OH, MIGHT FAVOG. TALK TO ME.

TALK TO ME. LISTEN, WE'RE BACK ON THE

LISTEN, WE'RE BACK ON THE SHOW.

SHOW. WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO? LISTEN, THIS MAY BE OUR LAST

WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO? LISTEN, THIS MAY BE OUR LAST CHANCE ON THIS SHOW.

LISTEN, THIS MAY BE OUR LAST CHANCE ON THIS SHOW. WE DO WHATEVER THEY WANT, GET

CHANCE ON THIS SHOW. WE DO WHATEVER THEY WANT, GET IT?

WE DO WHATEVER THEY WANT, GET IT? GOT IT.

IT? GOT IT. GOOD.

GOT IT. GOOD. YEAH, WHATEVER SHE WANTS.

GOOD. YEAH, WHATEVER SHE WANTS. OH, LILY!

YEAH, WHATEVER SHE WANTS. OH, LILY! [SMOOCHES]

OH, LILY! [SMOOCHES] YOU ALL, I'VE BEEN SO ANXIOUS TO

[SMOOCHES] YOU ALL, I'VE BEEN SO ANXIOUS TO SEE YOU, BECAUSE REMEMBER THE

YOU ALL, I'VE BEEN SO ANXIOUS TO SEE YOU, BECAUSE REMEMBER THE LAST TIME WE WERE TOGETHER?

SEE YOU, BECAUSE REMEMBER THE LAST TIME WE WERE TOGETHER? OH, YEAH.

LAST TIME WE WERE TOGETHER? OH, YEAH. IT WAS TERRIFIC.

OH, YEAH. IT WAS TERRIFIC. YOU KNOW, I'VE BEEN READING

IT WAS TERRIFIC. YOU KNOW, I'VE BEEN READING ABOUT YOUR NEW SHOW,

YOU KNOW, I'VE BEEN READING ABOUT YOUR NEW SHOW, "THE MUPPET SHOW."

ABOUT YOUR NEW SHOW, "THE MUPPET SHOW." THEY WON'T LET US WORK ON

"THE MUPPET SHOW." THEY WON'T LET US WORK ON THAT.

THEY WON'T LET US WORK ON THAT. NO, THAT'S FAMILY ENTERTAINMENT.

THAT. NO, THAT'S FAMILY ENTERTAINMENT. FAMILY ENTERTAINMENT?

NO, THAT'S FAMILY ENTERTAINMENT. FAMILY ENTERTAINMENT? AREN'T YOU FAMILY ENTERTAINMENT?

FAMILY ENTERTAINMENT? AREN'T YOU FAMILY ENTERTAINMENT? HELL YES!

AREN'T YOU FAMILY ENTERTAINMENT? HELL YES! BUT LISTEN, WE'D BE HAPPY TO

HELL YES! BUT LISTEN, WE'D BE HAPPY TO DO ANYTHING WITH YOU IN IT.

BUT LISTEN, WE'D BE HAPPY TO DO ANYTHING WITH YOU IN IT. ANYTHING, MAN.

DO ANYTHING WITH YOU IN IT. ANYTHING, MAN. I THOUGHT MAYBE WE COULD SING

ANYTHING, MAN. I THOUGHT MAYBE WE COULD SING A SONG.

I THOUGHT MAYBE WE COULD SING A SONG. OH, YEAH, LILY!

A SONG. OH, YEAH, LILY! SING IT!

OH, YEAH, LILY! SING IT! HOW ABOUT

SING IT! HOW ABOUT "WHISTLE A HAPPY TUNE"?

HOW ABOUT "WHISTLE A HAPPY TUNE"? NICE SONG, NICE SONG.

"WHISTLE A HAPPY TUNE"? NICE SONG, NICE SONG. I CAN START, AND THEN YOU

NICE SONG, NICE SONG. I CAN START, AND THEN YOU ALL, WHEN THE WHISTLING PART

I CAN START, AND THEN YOU ALL, WHEN THE WHISTLING PART COMES, YOU COULD JUST JOIN IN

ALL, WHEN THE WHISTLING PART COMES, YOU COULD JUST JOIN IN AND START WHISTLING.

COMES, YOU COULD JUST JOIN IN AND START WHISTLING. YOU CAN WHISTLE, CAN'T YOU?

AND START WHISTLING. YOU CAN WHISTLE, CAN'T YOU? UM...

YOU CAN WHISTLE, CAN'T YOU? UM... YES, THEY CAN WHISTLE.

UM... YES, THEY CAN WHISTLE. YEAH, WE CAN WHISTLE!

YES, THEY CAN WHISTLE. YEAH, WE CAN WHISTLE! OH, YEAH!

YEAH, WE CAN WHISTLE! OH, YEAH! OKAY.

OH, YEAH! OKAY. [INTRO PLAYS]

OKAY. [INTRO PLAYS] ♪ WHENEVER I FEEL AFRAID ♪

[INTRO PLAYS] ♪ WHENEVER I FEEL AFRAID ♪ ♪ I HOLD MY HEAD ERECT ♪

♪ WHENEVER I FEEL AFRAID ♪ ♪ I HOLD MY HEAD ERECT ♪ ♪ AND WHISTLE A HAPPY TUNE ♪

♪ I HOLD MY HEAD ERECT ♪ ♪ AND WHISTLE A HAPPY TUNE ♪ ♪ SO NO ONE WILL SUSPECT ♪

♪ AND WHISTLE A HAPPY TUNE ♪ ♪ SO NO ONE WILL SUSPECT ♪ ♪ I'M AFRAID ♪

♪ SO NO ONE WILL SUSPECT ♪ ♪ I'M AFRAID ♪ [WHISTLING AND BLOWING]

KEEP GOING. [WHISTLING, BLOWING CONTINUE] WE CAN DO IT.

[WHISTLING, BLOWING CONTINUE] WE CAN DO IT. NO, IT'S ALL RIGHT.

WE CAN DO IT. NO, IT'S ALL RIGHT. NO, LISTEN.

NO, IT'S ALL RIGHT. NO, LISTEN. I MEAN, REALLY, WHISTLING'S NOT

NO, LISTEN. I MEAN, REALLY, WHISTLING'S NOT THAT IMPORTANT.

I MEAN, REALLY, WHISTLING'S NOT THAT IMPORTANT. YEAH, YEAH.

THAT IMPORTANT. YEAH, YEAH. I'LL THINK OF SOMETHING ELSE

YEAH, YEAH. I'LL THINK OF SOMETHING ELSE FOR US TO DO.

I'LL THINK OF SOMETHING ELSE FOR US TO DO. BUT WAIT... DOES THAT MEAN I

FOR US TO DO. BUT WAIT... DOES THAT MEAN I HAVE TO SEND BACK YOUR PICTURE?

BUT WAIT... DOES THAT MEAN I HAVE TO SEND BACK YOUR PICTURE? WHAT?

HAVE TO SEND BACK YOUR PICTURE? WHAT? UH, DO YOU MEAN THAT'S IT?

WHAT? UH, DO YOU MEAN THAT'S IT? WHAT?

UH, DO YOU MEAN THAT'S IT? WHAT? THAT'S IT?

WHAT? THAT'S IT? I MEAN, NOTHING IS JUST

THAT'S IT? I MEAN, NOTHING IS JUST "THAT'S IT."

I MEAN, NOTHING IS JUST "THAT'S IT." I'M SORRY YOU CAN'T WHISTLE.

"THAT'S IT." I'M SORRY YOU CAN'T WHISTLE. WELL, DON'T CALL US.

I'M SORRY YOU CAN'T WHISTLE. WELL, DON'T CALL US. WE'LL CALL YOU.

WELL, DON'T CALL US. WE'LL CALL YOU. BACK IN THE BOX.

WE'LL CALL YOU. BACK IN THE BOX. SHE DOESN'T EVEN WANT US.

BACK IN THE BOX. SHE DOESN'T EVEN WANT US. LET'S GET HIGH.

SHE DOESN'T EVEN WANT US. LET'S GET HIGH. ENOUGH TO DEAL WITH.

LET'S GET HIGH. ENOUGH TO DEAL WITH. I MEAN, THIS IS A LIVE SHOW, AND

ENOUGH TO DEAL WITH. I MEAN, THIS IS A LIVE SHOW, AND IT'S HARD.

I MEAN, THIS IS A LIVE SHOW, AND IT'S HARD. I'VE TRIED TO RELATE TO

IT'S HARD. I'VE TRIED TO RELATE TO EVERYONE.

I'VE TRIED TO RELATE TO EVERYONE. I'VE TRIED TO RELATE TO THE RUG,

EVERYONE. I'VE TRIED TO RELATE TO THE RUG, TO THE MONITORS, TO THE CAMERAS.

I'VE TRIED TO RELATE TO THE RUG, TO THE MONITORS, TO THE CAMERAS. IT'S...

TO THE MONITORS, TO THE CAMERAS. IT'S... I MEAN, YOUR SONG, JAMES, I

IT'S... I MEAN, YOUR SONG, JAMES, I DIDN'T HAVE A HARD TIME RELATING

I MEAN, YOUR SONG, JAMES, I DIDN'T HAVE A HARD TIME RELATING TO, 'CAUSE IT WAS TERRIFIC.

DIDN'T HAVE A HARD TIME RELATING TO, 'CAUSE IT WAS TERRIFIC. THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

TO, 'CAUSE IT WAS TERRIFIC. THANK YOU VERY MUCH. ARE YOU GOING TO DO ANOTHER?

THANK YOU VERY MUCH. ARE YOU GOING TO DO ANOTHER? YEAH, WE'RE GONNA DO A

ARE YOU GOING TO DO ANOTHER? YEAH, WE'RE GONNA DO A JUNIOR WALKER TUNE CALLED

YEAH, WE'RE GONNA DO A JUNIOR WALKER TUNE CALLED "ROAD RUNNER."

JUNIOR WALKER TUNE CALLED "ROAD RUNNER." WE GOT DAVID SANBORN WITH US ON

"ROAD RUNNER." WE GOT DAVID SANBORN WITH US ON SAXOPHONE.

WE GOT DAVID SANBORN WITH US ON SAXOPHONE. [APPLAUSE]

SAXOPHONE. [APPLAUSE] DANIEL CORTSMAR.

[APPLAUSE] DANIEL CORTSMAR. WELL, WHATEVER YOU THINK IS

DANIEL CORTSMAR. WELL, WHATEVER YOU THINK IS BEST.

WELL, WHATEVER YOU THINK IS BEST. 1, 2...

BEST. 1, 2... ♪ MONEY, WHO NEEDS IT? ♪

1, 2... ♪ MONEY, WHO NEEDS IT? ♪ ♪ JUST LET ME LIVE MY LIFE FREE

♪ MONEY, WHO NEEDS IT? ♪ ♪ JUST LET ME LIVE MY LIFE FREE AND EASY ♪

♪ JUST LET ME LIVE MY LIFE FREE AND EASY ♪ ♪ PUT THAT TOOTHBRUSH IN MY

AND EASY ♪ ♪ PUT THAT TOOTHBRUSH IN MY HAND ♪

♪ PUT THAT TOOTHBRUSH IN MY HAND ♪ ♪ YOU GOT TO LET ME BE A

HAND ♪ ♪ YOU GOT TO LET ME BE A TRAVELIN' MAN ♪

♪ YOU GOT TO LET ME BE A TRAVELIN' MAN ♪ ♪ I'M A ROADRUNNER, BABY ♪

TRAVELIN' MAN ♪ ♪ I'M A ROADRUNNER, BABY ♪ [SAXOPHONE SOLO]

♪ 'CAUSE I'M A ROADRUNNER, BABY ♪ ♪ CAN'T STAY IN ONE PLACE TOO

BABY ♪ ♪ CAN'T STAY IN ONE PLACE TOO LONG ♪

♪ CAN'T STAY IN ONE PLACE TOO LONG ♪ ♪ NO, NO ♪

LONG ♪ ♪ NO, NO ♪ ♪ 'CAUSE I'M A ROADRUNNER,

♪ NO, NO ♪ ♪ 'CAUSE I'M A ROADRUNNER, BABY ♪

♪ 'CAUSE I'M A ROADRUNNER, BABY ♪ ♪ MESS WITH ME AND I'LL BE

BABY ♪ ♪ MESS WITH ME AND I'LL BE GONE ♪

♪ MESS WITH ME AND I'LL BE GONE ♪ ♪ SURE ENOUGH ♪

GONE ♪ ♪ SURE ENOUGH ♪ ♪ YOU CAN LOVE ME IF YOU WANT

♪ SURE ENOUGH ♪ ♪ YOU CAN LOVE ME IF YOU WANT TO, YEAH ♪

♪ YOU CAN LOVE ME IF YOU WANT TO, YEAH ♪ ♪ BUT I DO DECLARE ♪

TO, YEAH ♪ ♪ BUT I DO DECLARE ♪ ♪ WHEN I GET RESTLESS ♪

♪ BUT I DO DECLARE ♪ ♪ WHEN I GET RESTLESS ♪ ♪ I GOT TO JUMP AND MOVE

♪ WHEN I GET RESTLESS ♪ ♪ I GOT TO JUMP AND MOVE SOMEWHERE ♪

♪ I GOT TO JUMP AND MOVE SOMEWHERE ♪ ♪ 'CAUSE I'M A ROADRUNNER,

SOMEWHERE ♪ ♪ 'CAUSE I'M A ROADRUNNER, BABY ♪

♪ 'CAUSE I'M A ROADRUNNER, BABY ♪ ♪ GOT TO KEEP ON KEEPIN' ON ♪

BABY ♪ ♪ GOT TO KEEP ON KEEPIN' ON ♪ ♪ OH, NO ♪

♪ GOT TO KEEP ON KEEPIN' ON ♪ ♪ OH, NO ♪ ♪ SAID I LIVE THE LIFE I LOVE ♪

♪ OH, NO ♪ ♪ SAID I LIVE THE LIFE I LOVE ♪ ♪ THAT'S BECAUSE ♪

♪ SAID I LIVE THE LIFE I LOVE ♪ ♪ THAT'S BECAUSE ♪ ♪ I LOVE THE LIFE I LIVE ♪

♪ THAT'S BECAUSE ♪ ♪ I LOVE THE LIFE I LIVE ♪ ♪ I'M A ROADRUNNER, BABY ♪

♪ I LOVE THE LIFE I LIVE ♪ ♪ I'M A ROADRUNNER, BABY ♪ [SAXOPHONE SOLO]

♪ I'M A ROADRUNNER, BABY ♪ [SAXOPHONE SOLO] ♪ WHOO ♪

[SAXOPHONE SOLO] ♪ WHOO ♪ ♪ I DON'T NEED NO WOMAN ♪

♪ WHOO ♪ ♪ I DON'T NEED NO WOMAN ♪ ♪ TO TIE ME DOWN ♪

♪ I DON'T NEED NO WOMAN ♪ ♪ TO TIE ME DOWN ♪ ♪ NO, NO, NO, NO ♪

♪ TO TIE ME DOWN ♪ ♪ NO, NO, NO, NO ♪ ♪ GOT TO BE FREE, BABY ♪

♪ NO, NO, NO, NO ♪ ♪ GOT TO BE FREE, BABY ♪ ♪ TO ROAM AROUND ♪

♪ GOT TO BE FREE, BABY ♪ ♪ TO ROAM AROUND ♪ ♪ LOOK HERE ♪

♪ TO ROAM AROUND ♪ ♪ LOOK HERE ♪ ♪ ALL MY LIFE I'VE BEEN LIKE

♪ LOOK HERE ♪ ♪ ALL MY LIFE I'VE BEEN LIKE THIS ♪

♪ ALL MY LIFE I'VE BEEN LIKE THIS ♪ ♪ YOU CAN LOVE ME ♪

THIS ♪ ♪ YOU CAN LOVE ME ♪ ♪ THAT'S YOUR OWN RISK ♪

♪ YOU CAN LOVE ME ♪ ♪ THAT'S YOUR OWN RISK ♪ ♪ 'CAUSE WHEN THE DUST HITS MY

♪ THAT'S YOUR OWN RISK ♪ ♪ 'CAUSE WHEN THE DUST HITS MY SHOES ♪

♪ 'CAUSE WHEN THE DUST HITS MY SHOES ♪ ♪ NOW SOMEBODY GOT THE URGE TO

SHOES ♪ ♪ NOW SOMEBODY GOT THE URGE TO MOVE ♪

♪ NOW SOMEBODY GOT THE URGE TO MOVE ♪ ♪ I'M A ROADRUNNER, BABY ♪

MOVE ♪ ♪ I'M A ROADRUNNER, BABY ♪ ♪ OH, GOT TO KEEP ON KEEPIN'

♪ I'M A ROADRUNNER, BABY ♪ ♪ OH, GOT TO KEEP ON KEEPIN' ON ♪

♪ OH, GOT TO KEEP ON KEEPIN' ON ♪ ♪ OH, NO ♪

ON ♪ ♪ OH, NO ♪ ♪ SAID I LIVE THE LIFE I LOVE ♪

♪ OH, NO ♪ ♪ SAID I LIVE THE LIFE I LOVE ♪ ♪ AND THAT'S BECAUSE ♪

♪ SAID I LIVE THE LIFE I LOVE ♪ ♪ AND THAT'S BECAUSE ♪ ♪ I LOVE THE LIFE I LIVE ♪

♪ AND THAT'S BECAUSE ♪ ♪ I LOVE THE LIFE I LIVE ♪ ♪ I'M A ROADRUNNER, BABY ♪

♪ I LOVE THE LIFE I LIVE ♪ ♪ I'M A ROADRUNNER, BABY ♪ [SAXOPHONE SOLO]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

LET A GUY DO IT THAT KNOWS HOW. SPREAD OUT!

HOW. SPREAD OUT! NOW, WHEN I BOUNCE IT SHUT, YOU

SPREAD OUT! NOW, WHEN I BOUNCE IT SHUT, YOU GUYS SNAP THE LOCK.

NOW, WHEN I BOUNCE IT SHUT, YOU GUYS SNAP THE LOCK. RIGHT!

GUYS SNAP THE LOCK. RIGHT! [CRUNCH]

RIGHT! [CRUNCH] OHH! OH, OW OW OW OW!

[CRUNCH] OHH! OH, OW OW OW OW! UNLOCK IT, UNLOCK IT!

OHH! OH, OW OW OW OW! UNLOCK IT, UNLOCK IT! WHAT'S THE MATTER, BO?

UNLOCK IT, UNLOCK IT! WHAT'S THE MATTER, BO? DON'T ASK QUESTIONS!

WHAT'S THE MATTER, BO? DON'T ASK QUESTIONS! GET THE KEY!

DON'T ASK QUESTIONS! GET THE KEY! GET THE KEY!

GET THE KEY! GET THE KEY! COME ON, WILL YOU?

GET THE KEY! COME ON, WILL YOU? WHERE'S THE KEY?!

COME ON, WILL YOU? WHERE'S THE KEY?! IN THE TRUNK.

WHERE'S THE KEY?! IN THE TRUNK. HURRY UP!

IN THE TRUNK. HURRY UP! SOMEBODY THREW A BRICK HERE.

HURRY UP! SOMEBODY THREW A BRICK HERE. I GOT IT! I GOT IT!

SOMEBODY THREW A BRICK HERE. I GOT IT! I GOT IT! I'LL GET YOU OUT.

I GOT IT! I GOT IT! I'LL GET YOU OUT. WAIT A MINUTE!

I'LL GET YOU OUT. WAIT A MINUTE! HE'S GOT ME, TOO!

WAIT A MINUTE! HE'S GOT ME, TOO! I'LL GET IT.

HE'S GOT ME, TOO! I'LL GET IT. [ALL SHOUTING]

I'LL GET IT. [ALL SHOUTING] [BUZZER SOUNDS]

[ALL SHOUTING] [BUZZER SOUNDS] [GUNSHOTS, GROANING]

[BUZZER SOUNDS] [GUNSHOTS, GROANING] [CLICK]

[GUNSHOTS, GROANING] [CLICK] TESS DiSENZO?

[CLICK] TESS DiSENZO? YES, I AM.

TESS DiSENZO? YES, I AM. ROB HOPKINS, SALES

YES, I AM. ROB HOPKINS, SALES REPRESENTATIVE, LAUREL SPRINGS.

ROB HOPKINS, SALES REPRESENTATIVE, LAUREL SPRINGS. YOU CAME.

REPRESENTATIVE, LAUREL SPRINGS. YOU CAME. THE LETTER SAID YOU'D COME, AND

YOU CAME. THE LETTER SAID YOU'D COME, AND YOU CAME.

THE LETTER SAID YOU'D COME, AND YOU CAME. YES.

YOU CAME. YES. UH...

YES. UH... SO, YOU... YOU GOT OUR

UH... SO, YOU... YOU GOT OUR LITERATURE.

SO, YOU... YOU GOT OUR LITERATURE. YOU HAD TIME TO LOOK THROUGH IT.

LITERATURE. YOU HAD TIME TO LOOK THROUGH IT. FULL-COLOR BROCHURE.

YOU HAD TIME TO LOOK THROUGH IT. FULL-COLOR BROCHURE. AHH.

FULL-COLOR BROCHURE. AHH. AND YOU'VE SEEN OUR PRICE LIST,

AHH. AND YOU'VE SEEN OUR PRICE LIST, OUR PAYMENT PLAN AND

AND YOU'VE SEEN OUR PRICE LIST, OUR PAYMENT PLAN AND EVERYTHING?

OUR PAYMENT PLAN AND EVERYTHING? DID YOU TAKE THOSE PICTURES

EVERYTHING? DID YOU TAKE THOSE PICTURES FOR THAT BROCHURE?

DID YOU TAKE THOSE PICTURES FOR THAT BROCHURE? OH, NO, A PROFESSIONAL

FOR THAT BROCHURE? OH, NO, A PROFESSIONAL PHOTOGRAPHER TOOK THAT.

OH, NO, A PROFESSIONAL PHOTOGRAPHER TOOK THAT. DID HE PAY FOR THE FILM?

PHOTOGRAPHER TOOK THAT. DID HE PAY FOR THE FILM? UH, HE PAID FOR THE FILM, AND

DID HE PAY FOR THE FILM? UH, HE PAID FOR THE FILM, AND THE COMPANY REIMBURSED HIM.

UH, HE PAID FOR THE FILM, AND THE COMPANY REIMBURSED HIM. I WAS WONDERING ABOUT THAT.

THE COMPANY REIMBURSED HIM. I WAS WONDERING ABOUT THAT. UH, YOU SAY YOU HAVE SEEN OUR

I WAS WONDERING ABOUT THAT. UH, YOU SAY YOU HAVE SEEN OUR PRICE LIST, RIGHT?

UH, YOU SAY YOU HAVE SEEN OUR PRICE LIST, RIGHT? YOU ARE AWARE OF OUR PRICES NOW,

PRICE LIST, RIGHT? YOU ARE AWARE OF OUR PRICES NOW, BECAUSE A VACATION-HOME SITE

YOU ARE AWARE OF OUR PRICES NOW, BECAUSE A VACATION-HOME SITE COULD BE EXPENSIVE.

BECAUSE A VACATION-HOME SITE COULD BE EXPENSIVE. WELL, I KNOW THAT.

COULD BE EXPENSIVE. WELL, I KNOW THAT. OKAY.

WELL, I KNOW THAT. OKAY. ALL RIGHT.

OKAY. ALL RIGHT. [SIGHS]

ALL RIGHT. [SIGHS] WHERE'D YOU GET YOUR SUIT AT?

[SIGHS] WHERE'D YOU GET YOUR SUIT AT? UH, DOWNTOWN.

WHERE'D YOU GET YOUR SUIT AT? UH, DOWNTOWN. I THOUGHT SO.

UH, DOWNTOWN. I THOUGHT SO. IT LOOKS LIKE SOMETHING FROM

I THOUGHT SO. IT LOOKS LIKE SOMETHING FROM DOWNTOWN.

IT LOOKS LIKE SOMETHING FROM DOWNTOWN. THANK YOU.

DOWNTOWN. THANK YOU. FELLA LIVES UPSTAIRS HAS A

THANK YOU. FELLA LIVES UPSTAIRS HAS A SUIT LIKE THAT FROM ROBERT HALL.

FELLA LIVES UPSTAIRS HAS A SUIT LIKE THAT FROM ROBERT HALL. OH?

SUIT LIKE THAT FROM ROBERT HALL. OH? HIS NAME'S ROBERT HALL, TOO,

OH? HIS NAME'S ROBERT HALL, TOO, I THINK.

HIS NAME'S ROBERT HALL, TOO, I THINK. OR THE OTHER WAY AROUND.

I THINK. OR THE OTHER WAY AROUND. LOOK HERE.

OR THE OTHER WAY AROUND. LOOK HERE. DEAD FLY.

LOOK HERE. DEAD FLY. UH, WHY DON'T WE LOOK AT AN

DEAD FLY. UH, WHY DON'T WE LOOK AT AN AERIAL VIEW OF THE HOME SITE,

UH, WHY DON'T WE LOOK AT AN AERIAL VIEW OF THE HOME SITE, RIGHT?

AERIAL VIEW OF THE HOME SITE, RIGHT? NOW, HERE IS AN AERIAL VIEW OF

RIGHT? NOW, HERE IS AN AERIAL VIEW OF THE HOME SITE, MS. DiSENZO, THE

NOW, HERE IS AN AERIAL VIEW OF THE HOME SITE, MS. DiSENZO, THE LAKEFRONT AND EVERYTHING, AND

THE HOME SITE, MS. DiSENZO, THE LAKEFRONT AND EVERYTHING, AND HERE'S THE GOLF COURSE, AND DOWN

LAKEFRONT AND EVERYTHING, AND HERE'S THE GOLF COURSE, AND DOWN HERE IS THE COUNTRY CLUB.

HERE'S THE GOLF COURSE, AND DOWN HERE IS THE COUNTRY CLUB. YOU'RE DOING IT ALL WRONG.

HERE IS THE COUNTRY CLUB. YOU'RE DOING IT ALL WRONG. PARDON?

YOU'RE DOING IT ALL WRONG. PARDON? YOU'RE DOING IT ALL WRONG.

PARDON? YOU'RE DOING IT ALL WRONG. WHAT? WHAT AM I DOING WRONG?

YOU'RE DOING IT ALL WRONG. WHAT? WHAT AM I DOING WRONG? YOU STARTED TALKING ABOUT

WHAT? WHAT AM I DOING WRONG? YOU STARTED TALKING ABOUT YOUR THING TOO SOON.

YOU STARTED TALKING ABOUT YOUR THING TOO SOON. OH?

YOUR THING TOO SOON. OH? YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO ASK ME

OH? YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO ASK ME ABOUT MYSELF FIRST.

YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO ASK ME ABOUT MYSELF FIRST. ALL THE OTHERS ASK ME ABOUT

ABOUT MYSELF FIRST. ALL THE OTHERS ASK ME ABOUT MYSELF FIRST.

ALL THE OTHERS ASK ME ABOUT MYSELF FIRST. OH.

MYSELF FIRST. OH. THIS ISN'T THE 6:00 NEWS, YOU

OH. THIS ISN'T THE 6:00 NEWS, YOU KNOW.

THIS ISN'T THE 6:00 NEWS, YOU KNOW. ON THE 6:00 NEWS, I DON'T GET TO

KNOW. ON THE 6:00 NEWS, I DON'T GET TO SAY ANYTHING.

ON THE 6:00 NEWS, I DON'T GET TO SAY ANYTHING. OH, WELL, YES.

SAY ANYTHING. OH, WELL, YES. WELL, HOW ARE YOU FEELING TODAY?

OH, WELL, YES. WELL, HOW ARE YOU FEELING TODAY? NO, DON'T ASK ME THAT.

WELL, HOW ARE YOU FEELING TODAY? NO, DON'T ASK ME THAT. ASK ME WHAT KILLED MY SISTER.

NO, DON'T ASK ME THAT. ASK ME WHAT KILLED MY SISTER. UH, WH-WH-WHAT KILLED YOUR

ASK ME WHAT KILLED MY SISTER. UH, WH-WH-WHAT KILLED YOUR SISTER?

UH, WH-WH-WHAT KILLED YOUR SISTER? LIFE OF WORK.

SISTER? LIFE OF WORK. NOW ASK ME WHY HER GIRL DON'T

LIFE OF WORK. NOW ASK ME WHY HER GIRL DON'T SEE ME.

NOW ASK ME WHY HER GIRL DON'T SEE ME. WHY?

SEE ME. WHY? HUSBAND'S A STINKER.

WHY? HUSBAND'S A STINKER. NOW ASK ME WHY I DON'T SEE

HUSBAND'S A STINKER. NOW ASK ME WHY I DON'T SEE ANYONE.

NOW ASK ME WHY I DON'T SEE ANYONE. WHY?

ANYONE. WHY? DON'T KNOW ANYONE.

WHY? DON'T KNOW ANYONE. NOW YOU'RE GETTING IT.

DON'T KNOW ANYONE. NOW YOU'RE GETTING IT. ASK ME ABOUT THE NEW MALL.

NOW YOU'RE GETTING IT. ASK ME ABOUT THE NEW MALL. THE NEW MALL?

ASK ME ABOUT THE NEW MALL. THE NEW MALL? SATURDAY I WENT UP TO THE NEW

THE NEW MALL? SATURDAY I WENT UP TO THE NEW MALL.

SATURDAY I WENT UP TO THE NEW MALL. THEY HAVE S.S. KRESKY AND

MALL. THEY HAVE S.S. KRESKY AND WOOLWORTH'S.

THEY HAVE S.S. KRESKY AND WOOLWORTH'S. SEARS HAD NATIVITY SCENES ON

WOOLWORTH'S. SEARS HAD NATIVITY SCENES ON CLEARANCE, 3 FOR $5.

SEARS HAD NATIVITY SCENES ON CLEARANCE, 3 FOR $5. WHERE'S MY JESUS?

CLEARANCE, 3 FOR $5. WHERE'S MY JESUS? HERE HE IS.

WHERE'S MY JESUS? HERE HE IS. THIS IS THE CHEAPEST JESUS I

HERE HE IS. THIS IS THE CHEAPEST JESUS I EVER BOUGHT.

THIS IS THE CHEAPEST JESUS I EVER BOUGHT. HIS EYES ARE PAINTED IN.

EVER BOUGHT. HIS EYES ARE PAINTED IN. THAT'S VERY NICE.

HIS EYES ARE PAINTED IN. THAT'S VERY NICE. NO ONE SHOULD BE GOD WITHOUT

THAT'S VERY NICE. NO ONE SHOULD BE GOD WITHOUT THEIR EYES PAINTED IN.

NO ONE SHOULD BE GOD WITHOUT THEIR EYES PAINTED IN. HE DOESN'T HAVE ON A LITTLE

THEIR EYES PAINTED IN. HE DOESN'T HAVE ON A LITTLE DIDY.

HE DOESN'T HAVE ON A LITTLE DIDY. HE HAS ON A LITTLE GOLD RIBBON.

DIDY. HE HAS ON A LITTLE GOLD RIBBON. YES.

HE HAS ON A LITTLE GOLD RIBBON. YES. NOW, UM, ABOUT...

YES. NOW, UM, ABOUT... YOU GO OUT TO DINNER MUCH?

NOW, UM, ABOUT... YOU GO OUT TO DINNER MUCH? NO.

YOU GO OUT TO DINNER MUCH? NO. SUIT LIKE THAT, YOU OUGHT TO

NO. SUIT LIKE THAT, YOU OUGHT TO GO OUT TO DINNER A LOT.

SUIT LIKE THAT, YOU OUGHT TO GO OUT TO DINNER A LOT. IT'S TOO EXPENSIVE.

GO OUT TO DINNER A LOT. IT'S TOO EXPENSIVE. LOOK HERE.

IT'S TOO EXPENSIVE. LOOK HERE. THIS IS MY DAUGHTER... LIVES IN

LOOK HERE. THIS IS MY DAUGHTER... LIVES IN TOLEDO, MARRIED TO A COMPUTER

THIS IS MY DAUGHTER... LIVES IN TOLEDO, MARRIED TO A COMPUTER PROGRAMMER... AT HER FIRST HOLY

TOLEDO, MARRIED TO A COMPUTER PROGRAMMER... AT HER FIRST HOLY COMMUNION.

PROGRAMMER... AT HER FIRST HOLY COMMUNION. AFTERWARDS, WE WENT OUT TO

COMMUNION. AFTERWARDS, WE WENT OUT TO DINNER.

AFTERWARDS, WE WENT OUT TO DINNER. HOLIDAY INN... THE BIG ROOM, NOT

DINNER. HOLIDAY INN... THE BIG ROOM, NOT THE COFFEE SHOP.

HOLIDAY INN... THE BIG ROOM, NOT THE COFFEE SHOP. VERY NICE, MS. DiSENZO.

THE COFFEE SHOP. VERY NICE, MS. DiSENZO. UH...

VERY NICE, MS. DiSENZO. UH... YOU MAKE A NICE APPEARANCE,

UH... YOU MAKE A NICE APPEARANCE, TOO.

YOU MAKE A NICE APPEARANCE, TOO. DID YOU KNOW THAT YOU MAKE A

TOO. DID YOU KNOW THAT YOU MAKE A NICE APPEARANCE?

DID YOU KNOW THAT YOU MAKE A NICE APPEARANCE? MY HUSBAND... HE'S NO LONGER

NICE APPEARANCE? MY HUSBAND... HE'S NO LONGER WITH US.

MY HUSBAND... HE'S NO LONGER WITH US. HE MADE A NICE APPEARANCE.

WITH US. HE MADE A NICE APPEARANCE. WORE THOSE SHIRTS FROM JCPenney

HE MADE A NICE APPEARANCE. WORE THOSE SHIRTS FROM JCPenney WITH COLLAR STAYS.

WORE THOSE SHIRTS FROM JCPenney WITH COLLAR STAYS. THEY'RE DOWNTOWN.

WITH COLLAR STAYS. THEY'RE DOWNTOWN. HERE'S A PICTURE OF MY HUSBAND

THEY'RE DOWNTOWN. HERE'S A PICTURE OF MY HUSBAND STANDING BY A HYDROELECTRIC DAM.

HERE'S A PICTURE OF MY HUSBAND STANDING BY A HYDROELECTRIC DAM. HE'S GOT BRYL... BRYL... BRYL...

STANDING BY A HYDROELECTRIC DAM. HE'S GOT BRYL... BRYL... BRYL... BRYLCREEM IN HIS HAIR.

HE'S GOT BRYL... BRYL... BRYL... BRYLCREEM IN HIS HAIR. ♪ BRYLCREEM ♪

BRYLCREEM IN HIS HAIR. ♪ BRYLCREEM ♪ ♪ A LITTLE DAB'LL DO YOU ♪

♪ BRYLCREEM ♪ ♪ A LITTLE DAB'LL DO YOU ♪ I SEE.

♪ A LITTLE DAB'LL DO YOU ♪ I SEE. MS. DiSENZO, IF YOU DON'T WANT

I SEE. MS. DiSENZO, IF YOU DON'T WANT TO LOOK AT LAUREL SPRINGS...

MS. DiSENZO, IF YOU DON'T WANT TO LOOK AT LAUREL SPRINGS... I WANT TO LOOK AT IT.

TO LOOK AT LAUREL SPRINGS... I WANT TO LOOK AT IT. WHO SAYS THAT I DON'T WANT TO

I WANT TO LOOK AT IT. WHO SAYS THAT I DON'T WANT TO LOOK AT IT?

WHO SAYS THAT I DON'T WANT TO LOOK AT IT? I WANT TO LOOK AT EVERY INCH OF

LOOK AT IT? I WANT TO LOOK AT EVERY INCH OF IT.

I WANT TO LOOK AT EVERY INCH OF IT. WELL, IT'S JUST THAT YOU KEEP

IT. WELL, IT'S JUST THAT YOU KEEP INTERRUPTING ME, MS. DiSENZO,

WELL, IT'S JUST THAT YOU KEEP INTERRUPTING ME, MS. DiSENZO, AND I REALLY CAN'T TELL YOU

INTERRUPTING ME, MS. DiSENZO, AND I REALLY CAN'T TELL YOU ABOUT IT IF YOU KEEP

AND I REALLY CAN'T TELL YOU ABOUT IT IF YOU KEEP INTERRUPTING ME.

ABOUT IT IF YOU KEEP INTERRUPTING ME. OH, I BEG YOUR PARDON.

INTERRUPTING ME. OH, I BEG YOUR PARDON. ALL RIGHT, THE HOME SITE.

OH, I BEG YOUR PARDON. ALL RIGHT, THE HOME SITE. YOU SEE HERE, THEY ENCIRCLE THE

ALL RIGHT, THE HOME SITE. YOU SEE HERE, THEY ENCIRCLE THE LAKE, AND THEN THEY GO UP AND

YOU SEE HERE, THEY ENCIRCLE THE LAKE, AND THEN THEY GO UP AND DOWN AROUND REGAL RIDGE.

LAKE, AND THEN THEY GO UP AND DOWN AROUND REGAL RIDGE. IS... IS THERE ANY QUESTIONS?

DOWN AROUND REGAL RIDGE. IS... IS THERE ANY QUESTIONS? WHAT?

IS... IS THERE ANY QUESTIONS? WHAT? DID YOU GO TO PITCAIRN HIGH

WHAT? DID YOU GO TO PITCAIRN HIGH SCHOOL?

DID YOU GO TO PITCAIRN HIGH SCHOOL? OH, THIS IS RIDICULOUS.

SCHOOL? OH, THIS IS RIDICULOUS. YOU LOOK JUST LIKE THAT

OH, THIS IS RIDICULOUS. YOU LOOK JUST LIKE THAT FOOTBALL PLAYER GOT KILLED ON

YOU LOOK JUST LIKE THAT FOOTBALL PLAYER GOT KILLED ON THAT FERRIS-WHEEL ACCIDENT.

FOOTBALL PLAYER GOT KILLED ON THAT FERRIS-WHEEL ACCIDENT. YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR ABOUT

THAT FERRIS-WHEEL ACCIDENT. YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR ABOUT LAUREL SPRINGS.

YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR ABOUT LAUREL SPRINGS. LOOK, YOU LOOK JUST LIKE HIM,

LAUREL SPRINGS. LOOK, YOU LOOK JUST LIKE HIM, EXCEPT YOU DON'T HAVE THE 68 ON

LOOK, YOU LOOK JUST LIKE HIM, EXCEPT YOU DON'T HAVE THE 68 ON YOUR CHEST.

EXCEPT YOU DON'T HAVE THE 68 ON YOUR CHEST. MOST SALESMEN LOOK LIKE HIM.

YOUR CHEST. MOST SALESMEN LOOK LIKE HIM. WHO?

MOST SALESMEN LOOK LIKE HIM. WHO? MAYBE... MY SON, HOWARD.

WHO? MAYBE... MY SON, HOWARD. MAYBE 'CAUSE HE SOLD

MAYBE... MY SON, HOWARD. MAYBE 'CAUSE HE SOLD FULLER BRUSH THAT SUMMER.

MAYBE 'CAUSE HE SOLD FULLER BRUSH THAT SUMMER. UH, MS. DiSENZO, I THINK I'LL

FULLER BRUSH THAT SUMMER. UH, MS. DiSENZO, I THINK I'LL BE GOING NOW.

UH, MS. DiSENZO, I THINK I'LL BE GOING NOW. YOU HAVE TO LEAVE NOW?

BE GOING NOW. YOU HAVE TO LEAVE NOW? WHY?

YOU HAVE TO LEAVE NOW? WHY? I HAVE TO MEET SOMEONE FOR A

WHY? I HAVE TO MEET SOMEONE FOR A DINNER DATE.

I HAVE TO MEET SOMEONE FOR A DINNER DATE. YOU CAN HAVE DINNER HERE.

DINNER DATE. YOU CAN HAVE DINNER HERE. YOU NEED A PHONE TO CALL?

YOU CAN HAVE DINNER HERE. YOU NEED A PHONE TO CALL? I'D LET YOU USE MINE, BUT I

YOU NEED A PHONE TO CALL? I'D LET YOU USE MINE, BUT I DON'T HAVE ONE.

I'D LET YOU USE MINE, BUT I DON'T HAVE ONE. I'D LET YOU USE THAT FELLA'S

DON'T HAVE ONE. I'D LET YOU USE THAT FELLA'S UPSTAIRS, BUT HE'S A NARCOTIC.

I'D LET YOU USE THAT FELLA'S UPSTAIRS, BUT HE'S A NARCOTIC. IT'S BEEN VERY NICE.

UPSTAIRS, BUT HE'S A NARCOTIC. IT'S BEEN VERY NICE. WAIT, YOU CAN'T LEAVE YET!

IT'S BEEN VERY NICE. WAIT, YOU CAN'T LEAVE YET! IT'S LATE.

WAIT, YOU CAN'T LEAVE YET! IT'S LATE. NOW, WHAT ABOUT MY

IT'S LATE. NOW, WHAT ABOUT MY COMPLIMENTARY JOHN F. KENNEDY

NOW, WHAT ABOUT MY COMPLIMENTARY JOHN F. KENNEDY MEMORIAL ASHTRAY?

COMPLIMENTARY JOHN F. KENNEDY MEMORIAL ASHTRAY? WE RAN OUT OF ASHTRAYS,

MEMORIAL ASHTRAY? WE RAN OUT OF ASHTRAYS, MS. DiSENZO.

WE RAN OUT OF ASHTRAYS, MS. DiSENZO. YOU CAN'T JUST RUN OUT.

MS. DiSENZO. YOU CAN'T JUST RUN OUT. WHAT ABOUT AN APOLLO 11 MOON

YOU CAN'T JUST RUN OUT. WHAT ABOUT AN APOLLO 11 MOON LANDING COIN, OKAY?

WHAT ABOUT AN APOLLO 11 MOON LANDING COIN, OKAY? WELL NOW, I CAN'T PUT

LANDING COIN, OKAY? WELL NOW, I CAN'T PUT CIGARETTES OUT IN A COIN, CAN I?

WELL NOW, I CAN'T PUT CIGARETTES OUT IN A COIN, CAN I? NO.

CIGARETTES OUT IN A COIN, CAN I? NO. GIVE IT HERE.

NO. GIVE IT HERE. "ONE SMALL STEP FORM AN."

GIVE IT HERE. "ONE SMALL STEP FORM AN." "FOR MAN," NOT "FORM AN."

"ONE SMALL STEP FORM AN." "FOR MAN," NOT "FORM AN." "FOR MAN."

"FOR MAN," NOT "FORM AN." "FOR MAN." SURE, YOU HAND THESE OUT ALL

"FOR MAN." SURE, YOU HAND THESE OUT ALL DAY.

SURE, YOU HAND THESE OUT ALL DAY. YOU GOT IT MEMORIZED.

DAY. YOU GOT IT MEMORIZED. I HAVE TO GO.

YOU GOT IT MEMORIZED. I HAVE TO GO. WAIT, WHAT ABOUT SOME EGGNOG?

I HAVE TO GO. WAIT, WHAT ABOUT SOME EGGNOG? NO.

WAIT, WHAT ABOUT SOME EGGNOG? NO. HOW ABOUT SOME EGGNOG?

NO. HOW ABOUT SOME EGGNOG? NO.

HOW ABOUT SOME EGGNOG? NO. WHERE'S YOUR CHRISTMAS

NO. WHERE'S YOUR CHRISTMAS SPIRIT?

WHERE'S YOUR CHRISTMAS SPIRIT? MS. DiSENZO, IT'S SEPTEMBER.

SPIRIT? MS. DiSENZO, IT'S SEPTEMBER. I HAVE PLENTY OF CHRISTMAS

MS. DiSENZO, IT'S SEPTEMBER. I HAVE PLENTY OF CHRISTMAS SPIRIT IN DECEMBER, ONLY IT'S

I HAVE PLENTY OF CHRISTMAS SPIRIT IN DECEMBER, ONLY IT'S SEPTEMBER.

SPIRIT IN DECEMBER, ONLY IT'S SEPTEMBER. I KNOW IT'S SEPTEMBER.

SEPTEMBER. I KNOW IT'S SEPTEMBER. AD DIDN'T SAY NOTHING ABOUT NO

I KNOW IT'S SEPTEMBER. AD DIDN'T SAY NOTHING ABOUT NO COIN.

AD DIDN'T SAY NOTHING ABOUT NO COIN. I'LL BE THE FIRST ONE TO ADMIT

COIN. I'LL BE THE FIRST ONE TO ADMIT THAT IT'S SEPTEMBER.

I'LL BE THE FIRST ONE TO ADMIT THAT IT'S SEPTEMBER. [CLICK]

THAT IT'S SEPTEMBER. [CLICK] [MUSIC PLAYS]

Announcer: AND NOW, ONCE AGAIN, JAMES TAYLOR. [APPLAUSE]

[INTRO TO "SWEET BABY JAMES" PLAYS] ♪ THERE IS A YOUNG COWBOY ♪

[PLAYS] ♪ THERE IS A YOUNG COWBOY ♪ ♪ HE LIVES ON THE RANGE ♪

♪ THERE IS A YOUNG COWBOY ♪ ♪ HE LIVES ON THE RANGE ♪ ♪ HIS HORSE AND HIS CATTLE ♪

♪ HE LIVES ON THE RANGE ♪ ♪ HIS HORSE AND HIS CATTLE ♪ ♪ THEY'RE HIS ONLY COMPANIONS ♪

♪ HIS HORSE AND HIS CATTLE ♪ ♪ THEY'RE HIS ONLY COMPANIONS ♪ ♪ HE WORKS IN THE SADDLE ♪

♪ THEY'RE HIS ONLY COMPANIONS ♪ ♪ HE WORKS IN THE SADDLE ♪ ♪ AND HE SLEEPS IN THE CANYONS ♪

♪ HE WORKS IN THE SADDLE ♪ ♪ AND HE SLEEPS IN THE CANYONS ♪ ♪ JUST WAITING FOR SUMMER ♪

♪ AND HE SLEEPS IN THE CANYONS ♪ ♪ JUST WAITING FOR SUMMER ♪ ♪ HIS PASTURES TO CHANGE ♪

♪ JUST WAITING FOR SUMMER ♪ ♪ HIS PASTURES TO CHANGE ♪ ♪ AND AS THE MOON RISES ♪

♪ HIS PASTURES TO CHANGE ♪ ♪ AND AS THE MOON RISES ♪ ♪ HE SITS BY HIS FIRE ♪

♪ AND AS THE MOON RISES ♪ ♪ HE SITS BY HIS FIRE ♪ ♪ JUST THINKING ABOUT WOMEN ♪

♪ HE SITS BY HIS FIRE ♪ ♪ JUST THINKING ABOUT WOMEN ♪ ♪ AND GLASSES OF BEER ♪

♪ JUST THINKING ABOUT WOMEN ♪ ♪ AND GLASSES OF BEER ♪ ♪ AND CLOSING HIS EYES ♪

♪ AND GLASSES OF BEER ♪ ♪ AND CLOSING HIS EYES ♪ ♪ AS THE DOGGIES RETIRE ♪

♪ AND CLOSING HIS EYES ♪ ♪ AS THE DOGGIES RETIRE ♪ ♪ HE SINGS OUT A SONG ♪

♪ AS THE DOGGIES RETIRE ♪ ♪ HE SINGS OUT A SONG ♪ ♪ WHICH IS SOFT, BUT IT'S

♪ HE SINGS OUT A SONG ♪ ♪ WHICH IS SOFT, BUT IT'S CLEAR ♪

♪ WHICH IS SOFT, BUT IT'S CLEAR ♪ ♪ JUST AS IF MAYBE SOMEONE COULD

CLEAR ♪ ♪ JUST AS IF MAYBE SOMEONE COULD HEAR ♪

♪ JUST AS IF MAYBE SOMEONE COULD HEAR ♪ ♪ HE SAYS, "GOOD NIGHT, ALL YOU

HEAR ♪ ♪ HE SAYS, "GOOD NIGHT, ALL YOU MOONLIGHT LADIES ♪

♪ HE SAYS, "GOOD NIGHT, ALL YOU MOONLIGHT LADIES ♪ ♪ "AND ROCKABY, SWEET BABY

MOONLIGHT LADIES ♪ ♪ "AND ROCKABY, SWEET BABY JAMES ♪

♪ "AND ROCKABY, SWEET BABY JAMES ♪ ♪ "NOW, DEEP GREENS AND BLUES ♪

JAMES ♪ ♪ "NOW, DEEP GREENS AND BLUES ♪ ♪ "THEY'RE THE COLORS I CHOOSE ♪

♪ "NOW, DEEP GREENS AND BLUES ♪ ♪ "THEY'RE THE COLORS I CHOOSE ♪ ♪ "WON'T YOU LET ME GO DOWN IN

♪ "THEY'RE THE COLORS I CHOOSE ♪ ♪ "WON'T YOU LET ME GO DOWN IN MY DREAMS? ♪

♪ "WON'T YOU LET ME GO DOWN IN MY DREAMS? ♪ ♪ YES, AND ROCKABY, SWEET BABY

MY DREAMS? ♪ ♪ YES, AND ROCKABY, SWEET BABY JAMES" ♪

♪ YES, AND ROCKABY, SWEET BABY JAMES" ♪ ♪ NOW, THE FIRST OF DECEMBER ♪

JAMES" ♪ ♪ NOW, THE FIRST OF DECEMBER ♪ ♪ IT WAS COVERED WITH SNOW ♪

♪ NOW, THE FIRST OF DECEMBER ♪ ♪ IT WAS COVERED WITH SNOW ♪ ♪ YES, AND SO WAS THE TURNPIKE ♪

♪ IT WAS COVERED WITH SNOW ♪ ♪ YES, AND SO WAS THE TURNPIKE ♪ ♪ FROM STOCKBRIDGE TO BOSTON ♪

♪ YES, AND SO WAS THE TURNPIKE ♪ ♪ FROM STOCKBRIDGE TO BOSTON ♪ ♪ NOW, THE BERKSHIRES, THEY SEEM

♪ FROM STOCKBRIDGE TO BOSTON ♪ ♪ NOW, THE BERKSHIRES, THEY SEEM DREAMLIKE ♪

♪ NOW, THE BERKSHIRES, THEY SEEM DREAMLIKE ♪ ♪ ON ACCOUNT OF THAT FROSTING ♪

DREAMLIKE ♪ ♪ ON ACCOUNT OF THAT FROSTING ♪ ♪ WITH 10 MILES BEHIND ME ♪

♪ ON ACCOUNT OF THAT FROSTING ♪ ♪ WITH 10 MILES BEHIND ME ♪ ♪ AND 10,000 MORE TO GO ♪

♪ WITH 10 MILES BEHIND ME ♪ ♪ AND 10,000 MORE TO GO ♪ ♪ YOU KNOW ♪

♪ AND 10,000 MORE TO GO ♪ ♪ YOU KNOW ♪ ♪ THERE'S A SONG THAT THEY

♪ YOU KNOW ♪ ♪ THERE'S A SONG THAT THEY SING ♪

♪ THERE'S A SONG THAT THEY SING ♪ ♪ WHEN THEY TAKE TO THE

SING ♪ ♪ WHEN THEY TAKE TO THE HIGHWAY ♪

♪ WHEN THEY TAKE TO THE HIGHWAY ♪ ♪ A SONG THAT THEY SING ♪

HIGHWAY ♪ ♪ A SONG THAT THEY SING ♪ ♪ WHEN THEY TAKE TO THE SEA ♪

♪ A SONG THAT THEY SING ♪ ♪ WHEN THEY TAKE TO THE SEA ♪ ♪ A SONG THAT THEY SING ♪

♪ WHEN THEY TAKE TO THE SEA ♪ ♪ A SONG THAT THEY SING ♪ ♪ OF THEIR HOME IN THE SKY ♪

♪ A SONG THAT THEY SING ♪ ♪ OF THEIR HOME IN THE SKY ♪ ♪ MAYBE YOU CAN BELIEVE IT ♪

♪ OF THEIR HOME IN THE SKY ♪ ♪ MAYBE YOU CAN BELIEVE IT ♪ ♪ IF IT HELPS YOU TO SLEEP ♪

♪ MAYBE YOU CAN BELIEVE IT ♪ ♪ IF IT HELPS YOU TO SLEEP ♪ ♪ AH, BUT SINGING SEEMS TO WORK

♪ IF IT HELPS YOU TO SLEEP ♪ ♪ AH, BUT SINGING SEEMS TO WORK FINE FOR ME ♪

♪ AH, BUT SINGING SEEMS TO WORK FINE FOR ME ♪ ♪ SO GOOD NIGHT, ALL YOU

FINE FOR ME ♪ ♪ SO GOOD NIGHT, ALL YOU MOONLIGHT LADIES ♪

♪ SO GOOD NIGHT, ALL YOU MOONLIGHT LADIES ♪ ♪ ROCKABY, SWEET BABY JAMES ♪

MOONLIGHT LADIES ♪ ♪ ROCKABY, SWEET BABY JAMES ♪ ♪ NOW, DEEP GREENS AND BLUES ♪

♪ ROCKABY, SWEET BABY JAMES ♪ ♪ NOW, DEEP GREENS AND BLUES ♪ ♪ THEY'RE THE COLORS I CHOOSE ♪

♪ NOW, DEEP GREENS AND BLUES ♪ ♪ THEY'RE THE COLORS I CHOOSE ♪ ♪ WON'T YOU LET ME GO DOWN IN MY

♪ THEY'RE THE COLORS I CHOOSE ♪ ♪ WON'T YOU LET ME GO DOWN IN MY DREAMS? ♪

♪ WON'T YOU LET ME GO DOWN IN MY DREAMS? ♪ ♪ IT'S TIME TO ROCKABY, OH,

DREAMS? ♪ ♪ IT'S TIME TO ROCKABY, OH, SWEET BABY JAMES ♪

♪ IT'S TIME TO ROCKABY, OH, SWEET BABY JAMES ♪ [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

HI. WE'RE HERE IN THE HOME OF MRS. JUDITH BEASLEY OF

WE'RE HERE IN THE HOME OF MRS. JUDITH BEASLEY OF CALUMET CITY, ILLINOIS.

MRS. JUDITH BEASLEY OF CALUMET CITY, ILLINOIS. HI.

CALUMET CITY, ILLINOIS. HI. I AM NOT A PROFESSIONAL ACTRESS.

HI. I AM NOT A PROFESSIONAL ACTRESS. I AM A REAL PERSON LIKE

I AM NOT A PROFESSIONAL ACTRESS. I AM A REAL PERSON LIKE YOURSELF.

I AM A REAL PERSON LIKE YOURSELF. WE'VE ASKED

YOURSELF. WE'VE ASKED MRS. JUDITH BEASLEY TO DO THIS

WE'VE ASKED MRS. JUDITH BEASLEY TO DO THIS PILE OF DIRTY DISHES.

WHY, IT WOULD BE MY PLEASURE.

WELL?

WELL.

WELL, JUST LOOK AT THIS.

JUST LOOK HOW THESE LUXURIOUS

SUDS RINSE OFF THIS GREASE.

OH, MY.

MY, HOW SILKY AND SMOOTH IT IS.

I COULD HARDLY WAIT TO SOAK MY

ENTIRE BODY IN IT.

THEN WE ASKED MRS. BEASLEY TO

SPREAD HER PREFERRED BRAND OF

JAM, BRAND "A," ON HER HUSBAND'S

GOOD SUIT JACKET.

WELL, ALL RIGHT.

AND OUR BRAND, BRAND "B," ON

THE PANTS.

I CERTAINLY HOPE THAT YOU ARE

HERE WHEN HAROLD GETS HOME.

I DON'T KNOW HOW HE'S GOING TO

TAKE THIS, BUT I WOULD IMAGINE

THAT HE WILL PITCH QUITE A FIT.

THERE IS NO MISTAKING IT.

THE PANTS ABSOLUTELY ARE

SWEETER.

I NEVER WOULD HAVE BELIEVED IT.

THEN WE ASKED MRS. JUDITH BEASLEY TO WAX THIS GYMNASIUM FLOOR.

MRS. JUDITH BEASLEY TO WAX THIS GYMNASIUM FLOOR. WHY, SURELY I DON'T SEE WHY

GYMNASIUM FLOOR. WHY, SURELY I DON'T SEE WHY NOT.

WHY, SURELY I DON'T SEE WHY NOT. WELL, MY!

NOT. WELL, MY! OH, WHAT A GORGEOUS GLOW.

WELL, MY! OH, WHAT A GORGEOUS GLOW. WHY, I CAN SEE MY REFLECTION IN

OH, WHAT A GORGEOUS GLOW. WHY, I CAN SEE MY REFLECTION IN A SINGLE LUSTROUS COAT.

WHY, I CAN SEE MY REFLECTION IN A SINGLE LUSTROUS COAT. [SIGHS]

A SINGLE LUSTROUS COAT. [SIGHS] WELL...

[SIGHS] WELL... I'LL JUST START HERE AND WORK MY

WELL... I'LL JUST START HERE AND WORK MY WAY BACK OVER ON THIS SIDE

I'LL JUST START HERE AND WORK MY WAY BACK OVER ON THIS SIDE AGAIN.

WAY BACK OVER ON THIS SIDE AGAIN. I HOPE THE SPONSOR LIKES THIS...

AGAIN. I HOPE THE SPONSOR LIKES THIS... WHOEVER IT IS.

I HOPE THE SPONSOR LIKES THIS... WHOEVER IT IS. THEN WE ASKED MRS. BEASLEY TO

WHOEVER IT IS. THEN WE ASKED MRS. BEASLEY TO DO THIS SCENE FROM

THEN WE ASKED MRS. BEASLEY TO DO THIS SCENE FROM "GONE WITH THE WIND" IN THIS

DO THIS SCENE FROM "GONE WITH THE WIND" IN THIS PARKING LOT.

"GONE WITH THE WIND" IN THIS PARKING LOT. JUDITH?

PARKING LOT. JUDITH? WELL, I AM NO IMPRESSIONIST,

JUDITH? WELL, I AM NO IMPRESSIONIST, BUT I'M ONLY TOO HAPPY TO GIVE

WELL, I AM NO IMPRESSIONIST, BUT I'M ONLY TOO HAPPY TO GIVE IT A TRY.

BUT I'M ONLY TOO HAPPY TO GIVE IT A TRY. AS GOD IS MY WITNESS, I WILL

IT A TRY. AS GOD IS MY WITNESS, I WILL NEVER GO HUNGRY AGAIN.

AS GOD IS MY WITNESS, I WILL NEVER GO HUNGRY AGAIN. THESE HAVE NOT EVEN BEEN RINSED

NEVER GO HUNGRY AGAIN. THESE HAVE NOT EVEN BEEN RINSED OFF.

THESE HAVE NOT EVEN BEEN RINSED OFF. THEN WE ASKED HER TO GO

OFF. THEN WE ASKED HER TO GO GROCERY SHOPPING IN THIS HAMSTER

THEN WE ASKED HER TO GO GROCERY SHOPPING IN THIS HAMSTER HEAD.

GROCERY SHOPPING IN THIS HAMSTER HEAD. THE THING IS, THE MAN LOOKS

HEAD. THE THING IS, THE MAN LOOKS COMPLETELY LEGITIMATE.

THE THING IS, THE MAN LOOKS COMPLETELY LEGITIMATE. YOU KNOW, SOMETIMES YOU CANNOT

COMPLETELY LEGITIMATE. YOU KNOW, SOMETIMES YOU CANNOT TELL WHAT THEY HAVE IN MIND.

YOU KNOW, SOMETIMES YOU CANNOT TELL WHAT THEY HAVE IN MIND. I'LL JUST TRY TO KEEP

TELL WHAT THEY HAVE IN MIND. I'LL JUST TRY TO KEEP COOPERATING...'CAUSE, BOY, IF

I'LL JUST TRY TO KEEP COOPERATING...'CAUSE, BOY, IF YOU HIT IT BIG WITH ONE OF THESE

COOPERATING...'CAUSE, BOY, IF YOU HIT IT BIG WITH ONE OF THESE PERSONAL TESTS... OH, I'M SORRY.

YOU HIT IT BIG WITH ONE OF THESE PERSONAL TESTS... OH, I'M SORRY. I BEG YOUR PARDON.

PERSONAL TESTS... OH, I'M SORRY. I BEG YOUR PARDON. WELL...

I BEG YOUR PARDON. WELL... UH, THIS HAMSTER HEAD DOES

WELL... UH, THIS HAMSTER HEAD DOES AFFORD A SNUG FIT.

UH, THIS HAMSTER HEAD DOES AFFORD A SNUG FIT. [VEHICLES PASSING]

THEN WE ASKED MRS. JUDITH BEASLEY TO FOLLOW A STRANGE MAN TO THIS MOTEL ROOM

MRS. JUDITH BEASLEY TO FOLLOW A STRANGE MAN TO THIS MOTEL ROOM AT NIGHT, GO INTO THE ROOM, TAKE

STRANGE MAN TO THIS MOTEL ROOM AT NIGHT, GO INTO THE ROOM, TAKE ALL HER CLOTHES OFF, AND DO THE

AT NIGHT, GO INTO THE ROOM, TAKE ALL HER CLOTHES OFF, AND DO THE ANTLER DANCE.

ALL HER CLOTHES OFF, AND DO THE ANTLER DANCE. WELL, HAROLD IS JUST GOING TO

ANTLER DANCE. WELL, HAROLD IS JUST GOING TO FLIP HIS COOKIES OVER THIS ONE.

WELL, HAROLD IS JUST GOING TO FLIP HIS COOKIES OVER THIS ONE. ♪ ...THE ANTLER DANCE ♪

FLIP HIS COOKIES OVER THIS ONE. ♪ ...THE ANTLER DANCE ♪ OH.

♪ ...THE ANTLER DANCE ♪ OH. ♪ PUT YOUR HANDS ON YOUR HEAD

OH. ♪ PUT YOUR HANDS ON YOUR HEAD LIKE A BIG OL' MOOSE ♪

♪ PUT YOUR HANDS ON YOUR HEAD LIKE A BIG OL' MOOSE ♪ ♪ KEEP YOUR ELBOWS HIGH AND YOUR

LIKE A BIG OL' MOOSE ♪ ♪ KEEP YOUR ELBOWS HIGH AND YOUR LEGS REAL LOOSE ♪

♪ KEEP YOUR ELBOWS HIGH AND YOUR LEGS REAL LOOSE ♪ ♪ DROOP AROUND THE FLOOR, KIND

LEGS REAL LOOSE ♪ ♪ DROOP AROUND THE FLOOR, KIND OF LEAP AND PRANCE ♪

♪ DROOP AROUND THE FLOOR, KIND OF LEAP AND PRANCE ♪ ♪ SHAKE YOUR MIDDLE JUST A

OF LEAP AND PRANCE ♪ ♪ SHAKE YOUR MIDDLE JUST A LITTLE ♪

♪ SHAKE YOUR MIDDLE JUST A LITTLE ♪ ♪ AND YOU'RE DOING THE ANTLER

LITTLE ♪ ♪ AND YOU'RE DOING THE ANTLER DANCE ♪

♪ AND YOU'RE DOING THE ANTLER DANCE ♪ ♪ WELL, WELL, WELL ♪

DANCE ♪ ♪ WELL, WELL, WELL ♪ ♪ THE ANTLER DANCE ♪

♪ WELL, WELL, WELL ♪ ♪ THE ANTLER DANCE ♪ ♪ YEAH ♪

♪ THE ANTLER DANCE ♪ ♪ YEAH ♪ ♪ THE ANTLER DANCE ♪

♪ YEAH ♪ ♪ THE ANTLER DANCE ♪ ♪ WELL, THE ANTLER DANCE ♪

♪ THE ANTLER DANCE ♪ ♪ WELL, THE ANTLER DANCE ♪ ♪ YEAH ♪

♪ WELL, THE ANTLER DANCE ♪ ♪ YEAH ♪ ♪ A U.F.O. CAME OUT OF THE SKY ♪

♪ YEAH ♪ ♪ A U.F.O. CAME OUT OF THE SKY ♪ ♪ AND IT LANDED IN L.A. ♪

♪ A U.F.O. CAME OUT OF THE SKY ♪ ♪ AND IT LANDED IN L.A. ♪ ♪ THE TOP FLEW OFF ♪

♪ AND IT LANDED IN L.A. ♪ ♪ THE TOP FLEW OFF ♪ ♪ AND A THING CRAWLED OUT ♪

♪ THE TOP FLEW OFF ♪ ♪ AND A THING CRAWLED OUT ♪ WE ASKED MRS. JUDITH BEASLEY

♪ AND A THING CRAWLED OUT ♪ WE ASKED MRS. JUDITH BEASLEY TO DO ALL OF THESE THINGS, AND

WE ASKED MRS. JUDITH BEASLEY TO DO ALL OF THESE THINGS, AND SHE DID THEM, AND SHE HAD A GOOD

TO DO ALL OF THESE THINGS, AND SHE DID THEM, AND SHE HAD A GOOD TIME.

SHE DID THEM, AND SHE HAD A GOOD TIME. SO IF ANYBODY FROM THE

TIME. SO IF ANYBODY FROM THE "SATURDAY NIGHT" SHOW COMES UP

SO IF ANYBODY FROM THE "SATURDAY NIGHT" SHOW COMES UP TO YOU AND ASKS YOU TO DO

"SATURDAY NIGHT" SHOW COMES UP TO YOU AND ASKS YOU TO DO SOMETHING, NO MATTER WHAT IT IS,

TO YOU AND ASKS YOU TO DO SOMETHING, NO MATTER WHAT IT IS, DO IT, EVEN IF IT'S THE ANTLER

SOMETHING, NO MATTER WHAT IT IS, DO IT, EVEN IF IT'S THE ANTLER DANCE.

AND NOW, THE "GREAT ARTISTS" SERIES IS PLEASED TO BRING YOU "WOMEN IN LITERATURE," A

SERIES IS PLEASED TO BRING YOU "WOMEN IN LITERATURE," A CONTINUING SERIES PRESENTING

"WOMEN IN LITERATURE," A CONTINUING SERIES PRESENTING LITTLE-KNOWN WOMEN WHO CHANGED

CONTINUING SERIES PRESENTING LITTLE-KNOWN WOMEN WHO CHANGED THE FACE OF THE LITERARY WORLD.

LITTLE-KNOWN WOMEN WHO CHANGED THE FACE OF THE LITERARY WORLD. TONIGHT, PART 10...

THE FACE OF THE LITERARY WORLD. TONIGHT, PART 10... "PARIS: THE EARLY YEARS.

THE JOURNALS OF ELNA SULLIVAN."

ELNA SULLIVAN BOLD NUCLEUS OF A

GROUP OF ARTISTS, POETS, AND

WRITERS INCLUDING PICASSO,

COCTEAU, HENRY MILLER, AND

ERIK SATIE, WHO ADMIRED HER

FRANKNESS, CANDOR, AND

ORIGINALITY.

HER HOME AT 10 RUE DE VEAUGIRALLE WAS THE LEADING PLACE OF SOME OF

10 RUE DE VEAUGIRALLE WAS THE LEADING PLACE OF SOME OF THE FINEST CREATIVE MINDS IN ALL

LEADING PLACE OF SOME OF THE FINEST CREATIVE MINDS IN ALL EUROPE.

THE FINEST CREATIVE MINDS IN ALL EUROPE. THEY WERE RESPONSIBLE FOR

EUROPE. THEY WERE RESPONSIBLE FOR INSPIRING SOME OF HER EARLY

THEY WERE RESPONSIBLE FOR INSPIRING SOME OF HER EARLY WORK.

INSPIRING SOME OF HER EARLY WORK. HER NOTEBOOK, WRITTEN BETWEEN

WORK. HER NOTEBOOK, WRITTEN BETWEEN 1929 AND 1935, REFLECTS HER

HER NOTEBOOK, WRITTEN BETWEEN 1929 AND 1935, REFLECTS HER SINGULAR VIEW OF PARIS IN THE

1929 AND 1935, REFLECTS HER SINGULAR VIEW OF PARIS IN THE '30s.

SINGULAR VIEW OF PARIS IN THE '30s. FROM HER OF JUNE 5, 1932...

WENT TO THE EIFFEL TOWER

TODAY.

IT WAS REALLY FUN.

I STAYED ABOUT 15 MINUTES.

I WOULD'VE STAYED LONGER EXCEPT

I HAD TO GO.

HER LONG-STANDING FRIENDSHIP WITH PICASSO YIELDED MUTUAL INSPIRATION.

WITH PICASSO YIELDED MUTUAL INSPIRATION. HER ENTRY FOR APRIL 10, 1930.

INSPIRATION. HER ENTRY FOR APRIL 10, 1930. HAD DINNER IN A FRENCH

HER ENTRY FOR APRIL 10, 1930. HAD DINNER IN A FRENCH RESTAURANT WITH PICASSO.

HAD DINNER IN A FRENCH RESTAURANT WITH PICASSO. I HAD AN OMELET AND BEAN SOUP.

RESTAURANT WITH PICASSO. I HAD AN OMELET AND BEAN SOUP. HE HAD A MINUTE STEAK AND FRENCH

I HAD AN OMELET AND BEAN SOUP. HE HAD A MINUTE STEAK AND FRENCH FRIES.

HE HAD A MINUTE STEAK AND FRENCH FRIES. HIS SORT OF LOOKED BETTER, BUT

FRIES. HIS SORT OF LOOKED BETTER, BUT CALORIE-WISE, I THINK I MADE THE

HIS SORT OF LOOKED BETTER, BUT CALORIE-WISE, I THINK I MADE THE RIGHT CHOICE.

CALORIE-WISE, I THINK I MADE THE RIGHT CHOICE. HER WELL-KNOWN LOVE OF FRENCH

RIGHT CHOICE. HER WELL-KNOWN LOVE OF FRENCH AVANT-GARDE CINEMA IS REFLECTED

HER WELL-KNOWN LOVE OF FRENCH AVANT-GARDE CINEMA IS REFLECTED IN THIS EXCERPT OF JULY 3, 1931.

AVANT-GARDE CINEMA IS REFLECTED IN THIS EXCERPT OF JULY 3, 1931. TONIGHT I WENT TO THE MOVIES.

IN THIS EXCERPT OF JULY 3, 1931. TONIGHT I WENT TO THE MOVIES. I HAD A LOT OF FUN.

TONIGHT I WENT TO THE MOVIES. I HAD A LOT OF FUN. IT WAS REALLY, REALLY FUN.

I HAD A LOT OF FUN. IT WAS REALLY, REALLY FUN. I'M NOT KIDDING.

IT WAS REALLY, REALLY FUN. I'M NOT KIDDING. I WAS REALLY GLAD I WENT.

I'M NOT KIDDING. I WAS REALLY GLAD I WENT. HER ILL-FATED LOVE AFFAIR

I WAS REALLY GLAD I WENT. HER ILL-FATED LOVE AFFAIR WITH MARCEL PROUST LED HER TO

HER ILL-FATED LOVE AFFAIR WITH MARCEL PROUST LED HER TO COMPANIONSHIP WITH A FELLOW

WITH MARCEL PROUST LED HER TO COMPANIONSHIP WITH A FELLOW AMERICAN EXPATRIATE, HEMINGWAY.

COMPANIONSHIP WITH A FELLOW AMERICAN EXPATRIATE, HEMINGWAY. MAY 15, 1932.

AMERICAN EXPATRIATE, HEMINGWAY. MAY 15, 1932. WENT FOR A LONG WALK THROUGH

MAY 15, 1932. WENT FOR A LONG WALK THROUGH THE PLACE DE BOLOGNA WITH

WENT FOR A LONG WALK THROUGH THE PLACE DE BOLOGNA WITH HEMINGWAY.

THE PLACE DE BOLOGNA WITH HEMINGWAY. BOY, DID MY FEET HURT.

HEMINGWAY. BOY, DID MY FEET HURT. THAT'LL TEACH ME TO WEAR HIGH

BOY, DID MY FEET HURT. THAT'LL TEACH ME TO WEAR HIGH HEELS.

THAT'LL TEACH ME TO WEAR HIGH HEELS. STUPID.

HEELS. STUPID. A FURTHER DISAPPOINTMENT IN

STUPID. A FURTHER DISAPPOINTMENT IN LOVE LEADS ELNA TO ABANDON THE

A FURTHER DISAPPOINTMENT IN LOVE LEADS ELNA TO ABANDON THE GAIETY OF PARIS AND BECOME THE

LOVE LEADS ELNA TO ABANDON THE GAIETY OF PARIS AND BECOME THE FIRST WOMAN TO JOIN THE FRENCH

GAIETY OF PARIS AND BECOME THE FIRST WOMAN TO JOIN THE FRENCH FOREIGN LEGION, ON PART 11 OF

FIRST WOMAN TO JOIN THE FRENCH FOREIGN LEGION, ON PART 11 OF OUR "GREAT ARTISTS" SERIES,

FOREIGN LEGION, ON PART 11 OF OUR "GREAT ARTISTS" SERIES, "A BEAU GESTE IN PETTICOATS."

AND NOW THIS WEEK'S FILM BY GARY WEIS. [APPLAUSE]

GARY WEIS. [APPLAUSE] I'M TAYLOR MEAD.

[APPLAUSE] I'M TAYLOR MEAD. I WATCH TELEVISION 6 TO 10

I'M TAYLOR MEAD. I WATCH TELEVISION 6 TO 10 HOURS A DAY, AND I LOVE IT.

I WATCH TELEVISION 6 TO 10 HOURS A DAY, AND I LOVE IT. I'M JUST YOUR AVERAGE TELEVISION

HOURS A DAY, AND I LOVE IT. I'M JUST YOUR AVERAGE TELEVISION VIEWER, ACTUALLY.

I'M JUST YOUR AVERAGE TELEVISION VIEWER, ACTUALLY. WOULDN'T BELIEVE IT, BUT YOU

VIEWER, ACTUALLY. WOULDN'T BELIEVE IT, BUT YOU ARE... YOU WATCHING... ARE ME,

WOULDN'T BELIEVE IT, BUT YOU ARE... YOU WATCHING... ARE ME, 'CAUSE I'M YOU.

ARE... YOU WATCHING... ARE ME, 'CAUSE I'M YOU. WE'RE THE AVERAGE TELEVISION

'CAUSE I'M YOU. WE'RE THE AVERAGE TELEVISION VIEWER, AND WE'RE GREAT.

WE'RE THE AVERAGE TELEVISION VIEWER, AND WE'RE GREAT. YEAH, SO...

VIEWER, AND WE'RE GREAT. YEAH, SO... SO DON'T HAVE ANY HANG-UPS ABOUT

YEAH, SO... SO DON'T HAVE ANY HANG-UPS ABOUT IT.

SO DON'T HAVE ANY HANG-UPS ABOUT IT. YOU KNOW, KEEP IT ON.

IT. YOU KNOW, KEEP IT ON. DO THE DISHES, DROP THE DISHES,

YOU KNOW, KEEP IT ON. DO THE DISHES, DROP THE DISHES, BREAK THEM, BUT WATCH THAT TUBE.

DO THE DISHES, DROP THE DISHES, BREAK THEM, BUT WATCH THAT TUBE. YOU'VE GOT TO OUTGUESS IT.

BREAK THEM, BUT WATCH THAT TUBE. YOU'VE GOT TO OUTGUESS IT. I MEAN, THAT'S IT.

YOU'VE GOT TO OUTGUESS IT. I MEAN, THAT'S IT. THAT'S THE FUTURE.

I MEAN, THAT'S IT. THAT'S THE FUTURE. I LONG AGO GAVE UP CHOICES, YOU

THAT'S THE FUTURE. I LONG AGO GAVE UP CHOICES, YOU KNOW?

I LONG AGO GAVE UP CHOICES, YOU KNOW? I JUST LOVE WHAT'S... WHAT'S

KNOW? I JUST LOVE WHAT'S... WHAT'S HAPPENED, YOU KNOW?

I JUST LOVE WHAT'S... WHAT'S HAPPENED, YOU KNOW? I DON'T EVEN... I USED TO BE

HAPPENED, YOU KNOW? I DON'T EVEN... I USED TO BE WORRIED ABOUT BEING EDITED.

I DON'T EVEN... I USED TO BE WORRIED ABOUT BEING EDITED. I NO LONGER GIVE A SH... A CARE.

WORRIED ABOUT BEING EDITED. I NO LONGER GIVE A SH... A CARE. [LAUGHS]

I NO LONGER GIVE A SH... A CARE. [LAUGHS] PAUL LYNDE ON "HOLLYWOOD

[LAUGHS] PAUL LYNDE ON "HOLLYWOOD SQUARES" SAYS SOME... I MEAN, HE

PAUL LYNDE ON "HOLLYWOOD SQUARES" SAYS SOME... I MEAN, HE SHOULD BE ARRESTED.

SQUARES" SAYS SOME... I MEAN, HE SHOULD BE ARRESTED. [CHUCKLES]

SHOULD BE ARRESTED. [CHUCKLES] HE HAD... HE SHOULD BE ARR...

[CHUCKLES] HE HAD... HE SHOULD BE ARR... I'M GONNA MAKE A CITIZEN'S

HE HAD... HE SHOULD BE ARR... I'M GONNA MAKE A CITIZEN'S ARREST ON "HOLLYWOOD SQUARES"

I'M GONNA MAKE A CITIZEN'S ARREST ON "HOLLYWOOD SQUARES" TOMORROW MORNING.

ARREST ON "HOLLYWOOD SQUARES" TOMORROW MORNING. NOW, WATCH THIS.

TOMORROW MORNING. NOW, WATCH THIS. WHEN PAUL LYNDE... PAUL... YOU

NOW, WATCH THIS. WHEN PAUL LYNDE... PAUL... YOU KNOW WHAT PAUL LYNDE SAID THE

WHEN PAUL LYNDE... PAUL... YOU KNOW WHAT PAUL LYNDE SAID THE OTHER DAY?

KNOW WHAT PAUL LYNDE SAID THE OTHER DAY? THEY SAID, "WHAT IS GOD'S...

OTHER DAY? THEY SAID, "WHAT IS GOD'S... IN ALL RELIGION, GOD HAS ONE

THEY SAID, "WHAT IS GOD'S... IN ALL RELIGION, GOD HAS ONE THING THAT HE DOESN'T PERMIT."

IN ALL RELIGION, GOD HAS ONE THING THAT HE DOESN'T PERMIT." AND PAUL LYNDE SAID, "HE DOESN'T

THING THAT HE DOESN'T PERMIT." AND PAUL LYNDE SAID, "HE DOESN'T PERMIT A DISCOUNT ON A NEW

AND PAUL LYNDE SAID, "HE DOESN'T PERMIT A DISCOUNT ON A NEW MERCEDES."

PERMIT A DISCOUNT ON A NEW MERCEDES." [CHUCKLES]

MERCEDES." [CHUCKLES] NOW, THAT'S... THAT'S THE RUIN

[CHUCKLES] NOW, THAT'S... THAT'S THE RUIN OF CIVILIZATION.

NOW, THAT'S... THAT'S THE RUIN OF CIVILIZATION. THE ANSWER WAS... THE REAL

OF CIVILIZATION. THE ANSWER WAS... THE REAL ANSWER WAS THAT GOD DOESN'T

THE ANSWER WAS... THE REAL ANSWER WAS THAT GOD DOESN'T PERMIT LYING.

ANSWER WAS THAT GOD DOESN'T PERMIT LYING. [LAUGHS]

PERMIT LYING. [LAUGHS] [MAN SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY]

[LAUGHS] [MAN SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY] NO, THE LETTER FROM... THAT'S A

[MAN SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY] NO, THE LETTER FROM... THAT'S A NICE LETTER, AND I APPRECIATE

NO, THE LETTER FROM... THAT'S A NICE LETTER, AND I APPRECIATE THE LETTERS.

NICE LETTER, AND I APPRECIATE THE LETTERS. KEEP YOUR CARDS AND LETTERS

THE LETTERS. KEEP YOUR CARDS AND LETTERS COMING.

KEEP YOUR CARDS AND LETTERS COMING. YOU KNOW, I LOVE IT.

COMING. YOU KNOW, I LOVE IT. I LOVE IT.

YOU KNOW, I LOVE IT. I LOVE IT. IT'S DANGEROUS, BUT I LOVE IT.

I LOVE IT. IT'S DANGEROUS, BUT I LOVE IT. THIS IS FROM OHIO.

IT'S DANGEROUS, BUT I LOVE IT. THIS IS FROM OHIO. "DEAR TAYLOR, YOU'RE ONE OF THE

THIS IS FROM OHIO. "DEAR TAYLOR, YOU'RE ONE OF THE MOST HANDSOME PEOPLE WHO EVER

"DEAR TAYLOR, YOU'RE ONE OF THE MOST HANDSOME PEOPLE WHO EVER LIVED.

MOST HANDSOME PEOPLE WHO EVER LIVED. WHY..."

LIVED. WHY..." [LAUGHS]

WHY..." [LAUGHS] I CAN'T READ IT.

[LAUGHS] I CAN'T READ IT. IT'S TOO... SHE WROTE IT TOO

I CAN'T READ IT. IT'S TOO... SHE WROTE IT TOO SMALL.

IT'S TOO... SHE WROTE IT TOO SMALL. OH, MISS AMERICA'S BEING

SMALL. OH, MISS AMERICA'S BEING CROWNED.

MISS AMERICA WAS JUST CHALLENGED... WAS JUST, UH, UH, UH...

CHALLENGED... WAS JUST, UH, UH, UH... MISS...

UH... MISS... PUT IT ON CHANNEL 4.

MISS... PUT IT ON CHANNEL 4. THERE SHE IS.

♪ A MILLION GIRLS WANTED IT ♪ ♪ BUT IT'S I, I, I ♪ ♪ I CAN SING PUCCINI ♪

♪ BUT IT'S I, I, I ♪ ♪ I CAN SING PUCCINI ♪ [SINGING INDISTINCTLY]

♪ I CAN SING PUCCINI ♪ [SINGING INDISTINCTLY] FINALLY, I HAVE WON THE

[SINGING INDISTINCTLY] FINALLY, I HAVE WON THE MISS AMERICA TITLE.

FINALLY, I HAVE WON THE MISS AMERICA TITLE. IT'S SUCH A HEAVY BURDEN.

MISS AMERICA TITLE. IT'S SUCH A HEAVY BURDEN. IT'S TRUE, THOUGH.

IT'S SUCH A HEAVY BURDEN. IT'S TRUE, THOUGH. IT'S TRUE.

IT'S TRUE, THOUGH. IT'S TRUE. THERE'S... THERE'S NO CREVICE OF

IT'S TRUE. THERE'S... THERE'S NO CREVICE OF OUR LIVES THAT CAN'T BE OBSERVED

THERE'S... THERE'S NO CREVICE OF OUR LIVES THAT CAN'T BE OBSERVED AND SHOULDN'T BE.

OUR LIVES THAT CAN'T BE OBSERVED AND SHOULDN'T BE. WHAT THE HELL?

AND SHOULDN'T BE. WHAT THE HELL? [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

WELL, EARLIER IN THE SHOW... YES, EARLIER IN THE SHOW, WE SAID THAT IF SOMEONE FROM

YES, EARLIER IN THE SHOW, WE SAID THAT IF SOMEONE FROM "SATURDAY NIGHT" CAME UP TO YOU

SAID THAT IF SOMEONE FROM "SATURDAY NIGHT" CAME UP TO YOU AND ASKED YOU TO DO SOMETHING,

"SATURDAY NIGHT" CAME UP TO YOU AND ASKED YOU TO DO SOMETHING, DO IT, NO MATTER WHAT IT WAS.

AND ASKED YOU TO DO SOMETHING, DO IT, NO MATTER WHAT IT WAS. NOW, THERE ARE A LOT OF THINGS

DO IT, NO MATTER WHAT IT WAS. NOW, THERE ARE A LOT OF THINGS WE MIGHT ASK YOU TO DO.

NOW, THERE ARE A LOT OF THINGS WE MIGHT ASK YOU TO DO. WE MIGHT ASK YOU TO COMB YOUR

WE MIGHT ASK YOU TO DO. WE MIGHT ASK YOU TO COMB YOUR HAIR WITH BUTTERED TOAST, IN

WE MIGHT ASK YOU TO COMB YOUR HAIR WITH BUTTERED TOAST, IN WHICH CASE I HOPE YOU HAVE THE

HAIR WITH BUTTERED TOAST, IN WHICH CASE I HOPE YOU HAVE THE GOOD SENSE AND DISCRETION NOT

WHICH CASE I HOPE YOU HAVE THE GOOD SENSE AND DISCRETION NOT TO.

GOOD SENSE AND DISCRETION NOT TO. WE MIGHT ASK YOU TO SET FIRE TO

TO. WE MIGHT ASK YOU TO SET FIRE TO YOUR OVEN MITTS.

WE MIGHT ASK YOU TO SET FIRE TO YOUR OVEN MITTS. WHY, WE MIGHT EVEN ASK YOU TO DO

YOUR OVEN MITTS. WHY, WE MIGHT EVEN ASK YOU TO DO THE ANTLER DANCE, IN WHICH CASE

WHY, WE MIGHT EVEN ASK YOU TO DO THE ANTLER DANCE, IN WHICH CASE YOU OUGHT TO KNOW THE ANTLER

THE ANTLER DANCE, IN WHICH CASE YOU OUGHT TO KNOW THE ANTLER DANCE, AND I'M HERE TO TEACH IT

YOU OUGHT TO KNOW THE ANTLER DANCE, AND I'M HERE TO TEACH IT TO YOU, BECAUSE I'VE LEARNED IT

DANCE, AND I'M HERE TO TEACH IT TO YOU, BECAUSE I'VE LEARNED IT RECENTLY, AND HERE'S HOW I

TO YOU, BECAUSE I'VE LEARNED IT RECENTLY, AND HERE'S HOW I LEARNED IT.

RECENTLY, AND HERE'S HOW I LEARNED IT. ♪ A MAN IN A MASK CAME INTO MY

LEARNED IT. ♪ A MAN IN A MASK CAME INTO MY ROOM ♪

♪ A MAN IN A MASK CAME INTO MY ROOM ♪ ♪ LATE LAST SATURDAY NIGHT ♪

ROOM ♪ ♪ LATE LAST SATURDAY NIGHT ♪ ♪ I SAID, "HEY, MR. MASK, WHAT

♪ LATE LAST SATURDAY NIGHT ♪ ♪ I SAID, "HEY, MR. MASK, WHAT YOU DOING IN HERE?" ♪

♪ I SAID, "HEY, MR. MASK, WHAT YOU DOING IN HERE?" ♪ ♪ HE SAID, "THERE AIN'T NO CAUSE

YOU DOING IN HERE?" ♪ ♪ HE SAID, "THERE AIN'T NO CAUSE FOR FRIGHT ♪

♪ HE SAID, "THERE AIN'T NO CAUSE FOR FRIGHT ♪ ♪ I GOT A DANCE THAT'LL BEAT THE

FOR FRIGHT ♪ ♪ I GOT A DANCE THAT'LL BEAT THE BUMP ♪

♪ I GOT A DANCE THAT'LL BEAT THE BUMP ♪ ♪ THE HUSTLE AND THE

BUMP ♪ ♪ THE HUSTLE AND THE HOOTCHY-KOO" ♪

♪ THE HUSTLE AND THE HOOTCHY-KOO" ♪ ♪ AND THEN HE TOOK OFF HIS PANTS

HOOTCHY-KOO" ♪ ♪ AND THEN HE TOOK OFF HIS PANTS AND DID THE ANTLER DANCE ♪

♪ AND THEN HE TOOK OFF HIS PANTS AND DID THE ANTLER DANCE ♪ ♪ AND NOW I'M GONNA SHOW IT TO

AND DID THE ANTLER DANCE ♪ ♪ AND NOW I'M GONNA SHOW IT TO YOU ♪

♪ AND NOW I'M GONNA SHOW IT TO YOU ♪ ♪ PUT YOUR HANDS ON YOUR HEAD

YOU ♪ ♪ PUT YOUR HANDS ON YOUR HEAD LIKE A BIG OL' MOOSE ♪

♪ PUT YOUR HANDS ON YOUR HEAD LIKE A BIG OL' MOOSE ♪ ♪ KEEP YOUR ELBOWS HIGH AND YOUR

LIKE A BIG OL' MOOSE ♪ ♪ KEEP YOUR ELBOWS HIGH AND YOUR LEGS REAL LOOSE ♪

♪ KEEP YOUR ELBOWS HIGH AND YOUR LEGS REAL LOOSE ♪ ♪ YOU PLAY 'EM AROUND THE FLOOR,

LEGS REAL LOOSE ♪ ♪ YOU PLAY 'EM AROUND THE FLOOR, KIND OF LEAP AND PRANCE ♪

♪ YOU PLAY 'EM AROUND THE FLOOR, KIND OF LEAP AND PRANCE ♪ ♪ SHAKE YOUR MIDDLE JUST A

KIND OF LEAP AND PRANCE ♪ ♪ SHAKE YOUR MIDDLE JUST A LITTLE AND YOU'RE DOIN' THE

♪ SHAKE YOUR MIDDLE JUST A LITTLE AND YOU'RE DOIN' THE ANTLER DANCE ♪

LITTLE AND YOU'RE DOIN' THE ANTLER DANCE ♪ LOOKY HERE.

ANTLER DANCE ♪ LOOKY HERE. ♪ A UFO CAME OUT OF THE SKY ♪

LOOKY HERE. ♪ A UFO CAME OUT OF THE SKY ♪ ♪ AND IT LANDED IN L.A. ♪

♪ A UFO CAME OUT OF THE SKY ♪ ♪ AND IT LANDED IN L.A. ♪ ♪ THE TOP FLEW OFF, AND A THING

♪ AND IT LANDED IN L.A. ♪ ♪ THE TOP FLEW OFF, AND A THING CRAWLED OUT ♪

♪ THE TOP FLEW OFF, AND A THING CRAWLED OUT ♪ ♪ THAT FLASHED WITH A PURPLE

CRAWLED OUT ♪ ♪ THAT FLASHED WITH A PURPLE RAY ♪

♪ THAT FLASHED WITH A PURPLE RAY ♪ LISTEN!

RAY ♪ LISTEN! ♪ ATE CONCRETE, AND IT HAD NINE

LISTEN! ♪ ATE CONCRETE, AND IT HAD NINE FEET ♪

♪ ATE CONCRETE, AND IT HAD NINE FEET ♪ ♪ AND A... AND A FACE LIKE AN

FEET ♪ ♪ AND A... AND A FACE LIKE AN OVERSHOE ♪

♪ AND A... AND A FACE LIKE AN OVERSHOE ♪ ♪ BUT THEN IT THEN IT TOOK OFF

OVERSHOE ♪ ♪ BUT THEN IT THEN IT TOOK OFF ITS PANTS AND DID THE ANTLER

♪ BUT THEN IT THEN IT TOOK OFF ITS PANTS AND DID THE ANTLER DANCE ♪

ITS PANTS AND DID THE ANTLER DANCE ♪ ♪ EASY, YOU CAN DO IT, TOO ♪

DANCE ♪ ♪ EASY, YOU CAN DO IT, TOO ♪ ♪ GET YOUR HANDS ON YOUR HEAD

♪ EASY, YOU CAN DO IT, TOO ♪ ♪ GET YOUR HANDS ON YOUR HEAD LIKE A BIG OL' MOOSE ♪

♪ GET YOUR HANDS ON YOUR HEAD LIKE A BIG OL' MOOSE ♪ ♪ KEEP YOUR ELBOWS HIGH AND YOUR

LIKE A BIG OL' MOOSE ♪ ♪ KEEP YOUR ELBOWS HIGH AND YOUR LEGS REAL LOOSE ♪

♪ KEEP YOUR ELBOWS HIGH AND YOUR LEGS REAL LOOSE ♪ ♪ YOU MOVE AROUND THE FLOOR,

LEGS REAL LOOSE ♪ ♪ YOU MOVE AROUND THE FLOOR, KIND OF LEAP AND PRANCE ♪

♪ YOU MOVE AROUND THE FLOOR, KIND OF LEAP AND PRANCE ♪ ♪ SHAKE YOUR MIDDLE JUST A

KIND OF LEAP AND PRANCE ♪ ♪ SHAKE YOUR MIDDLE JUST A LITTLE AND YOU'RE DOIN' THE

♪ SHAKE YOUR MIDDLE JUST A LITTLE AND YOU'RE DOIN' THE ANTLER DANCE ♪

LITTLE AND YOU'RE DOIN' THE ANTLER DANCE ♪ WHOO!

ANTLER DANCE ♪ WHOO! ♪ OH, WELL, ANTLER DANCE ♪

WHOO! ♪ OH, WELL, ANTLER DANCE ♪ ♪ WELL, ANTLER DANCE ♪

♪ OH, WELL, ANTLER DANCE ♪ ♪ WELL, ANTLER DANCE ♪ [APPLAUSE]

MR. AND MRS. AMERICA, WE HAVEN'T ASKED YOU TO DO MUCH. JUST SIT THERE ONCE A WEEK AND

HAVEN'T ASKED YOU TO DO MUCH. JUST SIT THERE ONCE A WEEK AND PAY ATTENTION.

JUST SIT THERE ONCE A WEEK AND PAY ATTENTION. NOW WE WANT YOU TO GET UP OFF

PAY ATTENTION. NOW WE WANT YOU TO GET UP OFF YOUR CHAIRS.

WE WANT YOU TO PUT YOUR HANDS

OVER YOUR HEAD, AND WE WANT YOU

TO DO THE ANTLER DANCE!

Announcer: DEPARTMENT STORE

MERCHANDISE FURNISHED BY

PLYMOUTH SHOPS.

THE MUPPETS ARE FRANK OZ,

JERRY NELSON, ALICE TWEEDY,

RICHARD HUNT, AND JIM HENSON.

NEXT WEEK'S HOST IS NORMAN LEAR.

THIS IS DON PARDO, JUST ONE

SMALL VOICE IN THE WILDERNESS OF

TELEVISION.

EVERYONE, GET UP AND MAKE IT

ONE GREAT BIG AMERICAN ANTLER

DANCE!