Original subtitles

[PIANO INTRODUCTION PLAYS] ♪ PIN YOUR CHRISTMAS BONNET ♪ ♪ AND ALL THE TRIMS UPON IT ♪

♪ PIN YOUR CHRISTMAS BONNET ♪ ♪ AND ALL THE TRIMS UPON IT ♪ ♪ LA LA, LA LA, LA LA ♪

♪ AND ALL THE TRIMS UPON IT ♪ ♪ LA LA, LA LA, LA LA ♪ HERE IS YOUR COGNAC,

♪ LA LA, LA LA, LA LA ♪ HERE IS YOUR COGNAC, MR. PRESIDENT.

HERE IS YOUR COGNAC, MR. PRESIDENT. FRED, YOU'VE BEEN WITH ME A

MR. PRESIDENT. FRED, YOU'VE BEEN WITH ME A LONG TIME NOW.

FRED, YOU'VE BEEN WITH ME A LONG TIME NOW. I DON'T THINK ON CHRISTMAS EVE

LONG TIME NOW. I DON'T THINK ON CHRISTMAS EVE YOU HAVE TO CALL ME

I DON'T THINK ON CHRISTMAS EVE YOU HAVE TO CALL ME MR. PRESIDENT ANYMORE.

YOU HAVE TO CALL ME MR. PRESIDENT ANYMORE. UH, MR. PRESIDENT, MY NAME IS

MR. PRESIDENT ANYMORE. UH, MR. PRESIDENT, MY NAME IS FRANK.

UH, MR. PRESIDENT, MY NAME IS FRANK. FRANK?

FRANK. FRANK? UH-HUH.

FRANK? UH-HUH. WHAT SHOULD I CALL YOU?

UH-HUH. WHAT SHOULD I CALL YOU? WELL, HOW ABOUT

WHAT SHOULD I CALL YOU? WELL, HOW ABOUT DR. PRESIDENT?

WELL, HOW ABOUT DR. PRESIDENT? OKAY.

DR. PRESIDENT? OKAY. DR. PRESIDENT, THE FIRST LADY

OKAY. DR. PRESIDENT, THE FIRST LADY SAYS THAT YOU SHOULD TURN UP THE

DR. PRESIDENT, THE FIRST LADY SAYS THAT YOU SHOULD TURN UP THE CHRISTMAS CAROLS SO THAT

SAYS THAT YOU SHOULD TURN UP THE CHRISTMAS CAROLS SO THAT EVERYONE CAN HEAR.

CHRISTMAS CAROLS SO THAT EVERYONE CAN HEAR. NO PROBLEM THERE.

EVERYONE CAN HEAR. NO PROBLEM THERE. [VOLUME DECREASES]

NO PROBLEM THERE. [VOLUME DECREASES] WOULD YOU ASK BETTY TO COME IN

[VOLUME DECREASES] WOULD YOU ASK BETTY TO COME IN AND HELP ME TRIM THE TREE,

WOULD YOU ASK BETTY TO COME IN AND HELP ME TRIM THE TREE, PLEASE?

AND HELP ME TRIM THE TREE, PLEASE? UH, YES, SIR.

PLEASE? UH, YES, SIR. THANK YOU.

[WHISTLES SOFTLY] UH, MR. PRESIDENT, IT'S TIME FOR YOUR CHRISTMAS EVE

UH, MR. PRESIDENT, IT'S TIME FOR YOUR CHRISTMAS EVE FIRESIDE CHAT WITH THE NATION.

FOR YOUR CHRISTMAS EVE FIRESIDE CHAT WITH THE NATION. OH, YES.

FIRESIDE CHAT WITH THE NATION. OH, YES. ALL RIGHT. FINE.

OH, YES. ALL RIGHT. FINE. THANK YOU.

ALL RIGHT. FINE. THANK YOU. 10 SECONDS, MR. PRESIDENT.

THANK YOU. 10 SECONDS, MR. PRESIDENT. OH.

10 SECONDS, MR. PRESIDENT. OH. 5... 4...

OH. 5... 4... MY FELLOW AMERICANS, MERRY

5... 4... MY FELLOW AMERICANS, MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL OF YOU, AND

MY FELLOW AMERICANS, MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL OF YOU, AND GOOD EVENING.

CHRISTMAS TO ALL OF YOU, AND GOOD EVENING. Announcer: LADIES AND

GOOD EVENING. Announcer: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THE PRESIDENT OF THE

Announcer: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES.

GENTLEMEN, THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES. JOIN ME FOR THIS CHRISTMAS

UNITED STATES. JOIN ME FOR THIS CHRISTMAS EVE.

JOIN ME FOR THIS CHRISTMAS EVE. PERHAPS SIT WITH ME BY THE

EVE. PERHAPS SIT WITH ME BY THE FIRESIDE AND SPEND THIS TIME

PERHAPS SIT WITH ME BY THE FIRESIDE AND SPEND THIS TIME TOGETHER AS I PUT UP JACK AND

FIRESIDE AND SPEND THIS TIME TOGETHER AS I PUT UP JACK AND SUSAN'S STOCKINGS AND PUT THE

TOGETHER AS I PUT UP JACK AND SUSAN'S STOCKINGS AND PUT THE FINAL ORNAMENT UP ON THE

SUSAN'S STOCKINGS AND PUT THE FINAL ORNAMENT UP ON THE WHITE HOUSE TREE.

FINAL ORNAMENT UP ON THE WHITE HOUSE TREE. THIS WILL, INDEED, BE A

WHITE HOUSE TREE. THIS WILL, INDEED, BE A WONDERFUL CHRISTMAS FOR THE

THIS WILL, INDEED, BE A WONDERFUL CHRISTMAS FOR THE ENTIRE NATION, I HOPE.

PEACE AND GOODWILL... TOWARD ALL MEN. JUST PUT THE FINAL CHRISTMAS

TOWARD ALL MEN. JUST PUT THE FINAL CHRISTMAS TREE ORNAMENT ON THE TREE.

JUST PUT THE FINAL CHRISTMAS TREE ORNAMENT ON THE TREE. NO PROBLEM.

LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S "SATURDAY NIGHT"! [BAND PLAYS]

Announcer: STARRING...

WITH MUSICAL GUEST...

GRAY PANTHER...

THE NOT-READY-FOR-PRIME-TIME

PLAYERS...

AND...

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, CANDICE BERGEN. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

THANK YOU. THANK YOU VERY MUCH. I DON'T HAVE A SNAPPY MONOLOGUE

THANK YOU VERY MUCH. I DON'T HAVE A SNAPPY MONOLOGUE TONIGHT.

I DON'T HAVE A SNAPPY MONOLOGUE TONIGHT. I DON'T HAVE ANY SASSY REPARTEE

TONIGHT. I DON'T HAVE ANY SASSY REPARTEE BECAUSE, IN FACT, DOING THIS

I DON'T HAVE ANY SASSY REPARTEE BECAUSE, IN FACT, DOING THIS SHOW IS MY CHRISTMAS PRESENT TO

BECAUSE, IN FACT, DOING THIS SHOW IS MY CHRISTMAS PRESENT TO MYSELF.

SHOW IS MY CHRISTMAS PRESENT TO MYSELF. I HOSTED IT LAST MONTH, AND IT

MYSELF. I HOSTED IT LAST MONTH, AND IT WAS ONE OF THE NICEST

I HOSTED IT LAST MONTH, AND IT WAS ONE OF THE NICEST EXPERIENCES I'VE EVER HAD IN MY

WAS ONE OF THE NICEST EXPERIENCES I'VE EVER HAD IN MY LIFE.

EXPERIENCES I'VE EVER HAD IN MY LIFE. SO I WOULD LIKE TO THANK OUR

LIFE. SO I WOULD LIKE TO THANK OUR PRODUCER, LORNE MICHAELS, FOR

SO I WOULD LIKE TO THANK OUR PRODUCER, LORNE MICHAELS, FOR GIVING ME SUCH A SWELL

PRODUCER, LORNE MICHAELS, FOR GIVING ME SUCH A SWELL CHRISTMAS...

GIVING ME SUCH A SWELL CHRISTMAS... [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

AND FOR CREATING A SHOW THAT IS SO SPECIAL, WITH SUCH SPECIAL PEOPLE.

IS SO SPECIAL, WITH SUCH SPECIAL PEOPLE. AND SPEAKING OF SPECIAL PEOPLE,

PEOPLE. AND SPEAKING OF SPECIAL PEOPLE, I CAN'T THINK OF A BETTER WAY TO

AND SPEAKING OF SPECIAL PEOPLE, I CAN'T THINK OF A BETTER WAY TO START THE SHOW THAN WITH

I CAN'T THINK OF A BETTER WAY TO START THE SHOW THAN WITH MARTHA REEVES, NOT TO MENTION

START THE SHOW THAN WITH MARTHA REEVES, NOT TO MENTION HOWARD SHORE AND HIS BAND OF

MARTHA REEVES, NOT TO MENTION HOWARD SHORE AND HIS BAND OF ANGELS.

HOWARD SHORE AND HIS BAND OF ANGELS. [APPLAUSE]

ANGELS. [APPLAUSE] [INTRODUCTION TO

[APPLAUSE] [INTRODUCTION TO "HIGHER AND HIGHER" PLAYS]

[INTRODUCTION TO "HIGHER AND HIGHER" PLAYS] ♪ OH, YEAH ♪

["HIGHER AND HIGHER" PLAYS] ♪ OH, YEAH ♪ ♪ YOUR LOVE ♪

♪ OH, YEAH ♪ ♪ YOUR LOVE ♪ ♪ LIFTED ME HIGHER ♪

♪ YOUR LOVE ♪ ♪ LIFTED ME HIGHER ♪ ♪ THAN I'VE EVER ♪

♪ LIFTED ME HIGHER ♪ ♪ THAN I'VE EVER ♪ ♪ BEEN LIFTED BEFORE ♪

♪ THAN I'VE EVER ♪ ♪ BEEN LIFTED BEFORE ♪ ♪ SO, KEEP IT UP ♪

♪ BEEN LIFTED BEFORE ♪ ♪ SO, KEEP IT UP ♪ ♪ QUENCH MY DESIRE ♪

♪ SO, KEEP IT UP ♪ ♪ QUENCH MY DESIRE ♪ ♪ AND I'LL BE AT YOUR SIDE ♪

♪ QUENCH MY DESIRE ♪ ♪ AND I'LL BE AT YOUR SIDE ♪ ♪ FOREVERMORE ♪

♪ AND I'LL BE AT YOUR SIDE ♪ ♪ FOREVERMORE ♪ ♪ YOU KNOW, YOUR LOVE ♪

♪ FOREVERMORE ♪ ♪ YOU KNOW, YOUR LOVE ♪ ♪ YOUR LOVE KEEPS LIFTING

♪ YOU KNOW, YOUR LOVE ♪ ♪ YOUR LOVE KEEPS LIFTING ME ♪

♪ YOUR LOVE KEEPS LIFTING ME ♪ ♪ KEEPS ON LIFTING ME ♪

ME ♪ ♪ KEEPS ON LIFTING ME ♪ ♪ KEEPS ON LIFTING ME ♪

♪ KEEPS ON LIFTING ME ♪ ♪ KEEPS ON LIFTING ME ♪ ♪ HIGHER ♪

♪ KEEPS ON LIFTING ME ♪ ♪ HIGHER ♪ ♪ HIGHER AND HIGHER ♪

♪ HIGHER ♪ ♪ HIGHER AND HIGHER ♪ ♪ HIGHER ♪

♪ HIGHER AND HIGHER ♪ ♪ HIGHER ♪ ♪ YOUR LOVE ♪

♪ HIGHER ♪ ♪ YOUR LOVE ♪ ♪ YOUR LOVE KEEPS LIFTING

♪ YOUR LOVE ♪ ♪ YOUR LOVE KEEPS LIFTING ME ♪

♪ YOUR LOVE KEEPS LIFTING ME ♪ ♪ KEEPS ON ♪

ME ♪ ♪ KEEPS ON ♪ ♪ KEEPS ON LIFTING ME ♪

♪ KEEPS ON ♪ ♪ KEEPS ON LIFTING ME ♪ ♪ LIFTING ME ♪

♪ KEEPS ON LIFTING ME ♪ ♪ LIFTING ME ♪ ♪ HIGHER AND HIGHER ♪

♪ LIFTING ME ♪ ♪ HIGHER AND HIGHER ♪ ♪ HIGHER ♪

♪ HIGHER AND HIGHER ♪ ♪ HIGHER ♪ ♪ NOW, ONCE I WAS DOWNHEARTED ♪

♪ HIGHER ♪ ♪ NOW, ONCE I WAS DOWNHEARTED ♪ ♪ DISAPPOINTMENT WAS MY CLOSEST

♪ NOW, ONCE I WAS DOWNHEARTED ♪ ♪ DISAPPOINTMENT WAS MY CLOSEST FRIEND ♪

♪ DISAPPOINTMENT WAS MY CLOSEST FRIEND ♪ ♪ THEN YOU CAME ♪

FRIEND ♪ ♪ THEN YOU CAME ♪ ♪ AND IT SOON DEPARTED ♪

♪ THEN YOU CAME ♪ ♪ AND IT SOON DEPARTED ♪ ♪ NOW YOU KNOW IT'S NEVER

♪ AND IT SOON DEPARTED ♪ ♪ NOW YOU KNOW IT'S NEVER SHOWING ITS FACE AGAIN ♪

♪ NOW YOU KNOW IT'S NEVER SHOWING ITS FACE AGAIN ♪ ♪ IT'S BECAUSE YOUR LOVE ♪

SHOWING ITS FACE AGAIN ♪ ♪ IT'S BECAUSE YOUR LOVE ♪ ♪ YOUR LOVE KEEPS LIFTING

♪ IT'S BECAUSE YOUR LOVE ♪ ♪ YOUR LOVE KEEPS LIFTING ME ♪

♪ YOUR LOVE KEEPS LIFTING ME ♪ ♪ KEEPS ON ♪

ME ♪ ♪ KEEPS ON ♪ ♪ KEEPS ON LIFTING ME ♪

♪ KEEPS ON ♪ ♪ KEEPS ON LIFTING ME ♪ ♪ LIFTING ME ♪

♪ KEEPS ON LIFTING ME ♪ ♪ LIFTING ME ♪ ♪ HIGHER AND HIGHER ♪

♪ LIFTING ME ♪ ♪ HIGHER AND HIGHER ♪ ♪ HIGHER ♪

♪ HIGHER AND HIGHER ♪ ♪ HIGHER ♪ ♪ YOUR LOVE ♪

♪ HIGHER ♪ ♪ YOUR LOVE ♪ ♪ YOUR LOVE KEEPS LIFTING

♪ YOUR LOVE ♪ ♪ YOUR LOVE KEEPS LIFTING ME ♪

♪ YOUR LOVE KEEPS LIFTING ME ♪ ♪ KEEPS ON ♪

ME ♪ ♪ KEEPS ON ♪ ♪ KEEPS ON LIFTING ME ♪

♪ KEEPS ON ♪ ♪ KEEPS ON LIFTING ME ♪ ♪ LIFTING ME ♪

♪ KEEPS ON LIFTING ME ♪ ♪ LIFTING ME ♪ ♪ FROM THE PITS OF DESIRE ♪

♪ LIFTING ME ♪ ♪ FROM THE PITS OF DESIRE ♪ ♪ HIGHER ♪

♪ HIGHER ♪ ♪ YEAH ♪

♪ I'M SO GLAD ♪ ♪ I FINALLY FOUND YOU ♪ ♪ IT'S THAT ONE-IN-A-MILLION

♪ I FINALLY FOUND YOU ♪ ♪ IT'S THAT ONE-IN-A-MILLION MAN ♪

♪ IT'S THAT ONE-IN-A-MILLION MAN ♪ ♪ AND NOW WITH MY LOVING ARMS

MAN ♪ ♪ AND NOW WITH MY LOVING ARMS AROUND YOU ♪

♪ AND NOW WITH MY LOVING ARMS AROUND YOU ♪ ♪ I CAN STAND UP ♪

AROUND YOU ♪ ♪ I CAN STAND UP ♪ ♪ TO FACE THE WORLD AGAIN ♪

♪ I CAN STAND UP ♪ ♪ TO FACE THE WORLD AGAIN ♪ ♪ IT'S BECAUSE YOUR LOVE ♪

♪ TO FACE THE WORLD AGAIN ♪ ♪ IT'S BECAUSE YOUR LOVE ♪ ♪ YOUR LOVE KEEPS LIFTING

♪ IT'S BECAUSE YOUR LOVE ♪ ♪ YOUR LOVE KEEPS LIFTING ME ♪

♪ YOUR LOVE KEEPS LIFTING ME ♪ ♪ KEEPS ON ♪

ME ♪ ♪ KEEPS ON ♪ ♪ KEEPS ON LIFTING ME ♪

♪ KEEPS ON ♪ ♪ KEEPS ON LIFTING ME ♪ ♪ LIFTING ME ♪

♪ KEEPS ON LIFTING ME ♪ ♪ LIFTING ME ♪ ♪ HIGHER AND HIGHER ♪

♪ LIFTING ME ♪ ♪ HIGHER AND HIGHER ♪ ♪ HIGHER ♪

♪ HIGHER AND HIGHER ♪ ♪ HIGHER ♪ ♪ YOUR LOVE ♪

♪ HIGHER ♪ ♪ YOUR LOVE ♪ ♪ YOUR LOVE KEEPS LIFTING

♪ YOUR LOVE ♪ ♪ YOUR LOVE KEEPS LIFTING ME ♪

♪ YOUR LOVE KEEPS LIFTING ME ♪ ♪ KEEPS ON ♪

ME ♪ ♪ KEEPS ON ♪ ♪ KEEPS ON LIFTING ME ♪

♪ KEEPS ON ♪ ♪ KEEPS ON LIFTING ME ♪ ♪ LIFTING ME ♪

♪ KEEPS ON LIFTING ME ♪ ♪ LIFTING ME ♪ ♪ HIGHER AND HIGHER ♪

♪ LIFTING ME ♪ ♪ HIGHER AND HIGHER ♪ ♪ YOU KNOW, YOUR LOVE ♪

♪ HIGHER AND HIGHER ♪ ♪ YOU KNOW, YOUR LOVE ♪ ♪ YOUR LOVE KEEPS LIFTING

♪ YOU KNOW, YOUR LOVE ♪ ♪ YOUR LOVE KEEPS LIFTING ME ♪

♪ YOUR LOVE KEEPS LIFTING ME ♪ ♪ LET IT KEEP LIFTING ME ♪

ME ♪ ♪ LET IT KEEP LIFTING ME ♪ ♪ KEEP ON LIFTING ME ♪

♪ LET IT KEEP LIFTING ME ♪ ♪ KEEP ON LIFTING ME ♪ ♪ HIGHER ♪

♪ KEEP ON LIFTING ME ♪ ♪ HIGHER ♪ ♪ TAKES ME HIGHER ♪

♪ HIGHER ♪ ♪ TAKES ME HIGHER ♪ ♪ HIGHER ♪

♪ TAKES ME HIGHER ♪ ♪ HIGHER ♪ ♪ YOUR LOVE ♪

♪ HIGHER ♪ ♪ YOUR LOVE ♪ ♪ YOUR LOVE KEEPS LIFTING

♪ YOUR LOVE ♪ ♪ YOUR LOVE KEEPS LIFTING ME ♪

♪ YOUR LOVE KEEPS LIFTING ME ♪ ♪ KEEPS ON ♪

ME ♪ ♪ KEEPS ON ♪ ♪ KEEPS ON LIFTING ME ♪

♪ KEEPS ON ♪ ♪ KEEPS ON LIFTING ME ♪ ♪ LIFTING ME ♪

♪ KEEPS ON LIFTING ME ♪ ♪ LIFTING ME ♪ ♪ HIGHER AND HIGHER ♪

♪ LIFTING ME ♪ ♪ HIGHER AND HIGHER ♪ ♪ YOUR LOVE ♪

♪ HIGHER AND HIGHER ♪ ♪ YOUR LOVE ♪ ♪ YOUR LOVE KEEPS LIFTING

♪ YOUR LOVE ♪ ♪ YOUR LOVE KEEPS LIFTING ME ♪

♪ YOUR LOVE KEEPS LIFTING ME ♪ ♪ LET IT KEEP LIFTING ME ♪

ME ♪ ♪ LET IT KEEP LIFTING ME ♪ ♪ KEEP ON LIFTING ME ♪

♪ LET IT KEEP LIFTING ME ♪ ♪ KEEP ON LIFTING ME ♪ ♪ HIGHER ♪

♪ KEEP ON LIFTING ME ♪ ♪ HIGHER ♪ ♪ TAKES ME HIGHER ♪

♪ HIGHER ♪ ♪ TAKES ME HIGHER ♪ [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

HI, I'M MEL FOR MEL'S CHAR PALACE, WHERE YOU FIND YOUR OWN COW!

PALACE, WHERE YOU FIND YOUR OWN COW! YOU CUT YOUR OWN STEAKS!

COW! YOU CUT YOUR OWN STEAKS! YOU SELECT YOUR COW FROM OVER

YOU CUT YOUR OWN STEAKS! YOU SELECT YOUR COW FROM OVER 200 HEAD!

YOU SELECT YOUR COW FROM OVER 200 HEAD! YOU STUN IT!

200 HEAD! YOU STUN IT! YOU CUT IT!

YOU STUN IT! YOU CUT IT! YOU CHARBROIL IT!

YOU CUT IT! YOU CHARBROIL IT! YOU CUT YOUR OWN STEAKS!

YOU CHARBROIL IT! YOU CUT YOUR OWN STEAKS! WE GIVE YOU THE SAW!

YOU CUT YOUR OWN STEAKS! WE GIVE YOU THE SAW! YOU CUT YOUR OWN SIRLOINS, TIPS,

WE GIVE YOU THE SAW! YOU CUT YOUR OWN SIRLOINS, TIPS, BLADES, AND ROASTS!

YOU CUT YOUR OWN SIRLOINS, TIPS, BLADES, AND ROASTS! YOU FIND IT!

BLADES, AND ROASTS! YOU FIND IT! YOU STUN IT!

YOU FIND IT! YOU STUN IT! YOU CUT IT!

YOU STUN IT! YOU CUT IT! AS BIG AND AS THICK AS YOU WANT

YOU CUT IT! AS BIG AND AS THICK AS YOU WANT IT!

AS BIG AND AS THICK AS YOU WANT IT! ONLY AT MEL'S CHAR PALACE!

IT! ONLY AT MEL'S CHAR PALACE! OUR SAWS ARE LIGHT!

HERE'S MRS. MEL!

SHOW 'EM HOW TO WORK THE SAW!

[CHAIN SAW BUZZES]

YEAH, SHE DOES IT!

YOU CAN, TOO, AT MEL'S CHAR

PALACE... ROUTE 17, PARAMUS!

[Southern accent] WHERE IS BILLY? IT'S 10:30, AND HE'S GOT SCHOOL

BILLY? IT'S 10:30, AND HE'S GOT SCHOOL TOMORROW.

IT'S 10:30, AND HE'S GOT SCHOOL TOMORROW. [Southern accent] OH,

TOMORROW. [Southern accent] OH, THAT'S OKAY.

[Southern accent] OH, THAT'S OKAY. HE TOLD ME HE WAS HELPING THAT

THAT'S OKAY. HE TOLD ME HE WAS HELPING THAT NICE MR. ELI OUT WITH THE CANDY

HE TOLD ME HE WAS HELPING THAT NICE MR. ELI OUT WITH THE CANDY SALES.

NICE MR. ELI OUT WITH THE CANDY SALES. HE'LL BE HOME.

SALES. HE'LL BE HOME. YEAH, AND YOUNG

HE'LL BE HOME. YEAH, AND YOUNG CLYDE MARYVILLE HAS BEEN MISSING

YEAH, AND YOUNG CLYDE MARYVILLE HAS BEEN MISSING FOR THREE WEEKS.

CLYDE MARYVILLE HAS BEEN MISSING FOR THREE WEEKS. I WANT BILLY HOME ON TIME.

FOR THREE WEEKS. I WANT BILLY HOME ON TIME. [TELEPHONE RINGS]

I WANT BILLY HOME ON TIME. [TELEPHONE RINGS] HELLO, JESPERSONS.

[TELEPHONE RINGS] HELLO, JESPERSONS. WILLIAM SR. SPEAKING.

HELLO, JESPERSONS. WILLIAM SR. SPEAKING. [Southern accent] DAD?

WILLIAM SR. SPEAKING. [Southern accent] DAD? BILLY?

[Southern accent] DAD? BILLY? ARE YOU ALL RIGHT, SON?

BILLY? ARE YOU ALL RIGHT, SON? UH, I'M DOWN AT THE POLICE

ARE YOU ALL RIGHT, SON? UH, I'M DOWN AT THE POLICE STATION, DAD.

UH, I'M DOWN AT THE POLICE STATION, DAD. [EXHALES SHARPLY]

STATION, DAD. [EXHALES SHARPLY] WELL, SON, I KNOW YOU.

[EXHALES SHARPLY] WELL, SON, I KNOW YOU. COULDN'T BE ANYTHING TOO

WELL, SON, I KNOW YOU. COULDN'T BE ANYTHING TOO SERIOUS.

COULDN'T BE ANYTHING TOO SERIOUS. YOU'D BE SURPRISED AT SOME OF

SERIOUS. YOU'D BE SURPRISED AT SOME OF THE THINGS I DID WHEN I WAS YOUR

YOU'D BE SURPRISED AT SOME OF THE THINGS I DID WHEN I WAS YOUR AGE.

THE THINGS I DID WHEN I WAS YOUR AGE. WHAT ARE YOU ACCUSED OF, NOW,

AGE. WHAT ARE YOU ACCUSED OF, NOW, BILLY?

WHAT ARE YOU ACCUSED OF, NOW, BILLY? MURDER.

BILLY? MURDER. IS THAT BILLY?

MURDER. IS THAT BILLY? IS HE ALL RIGHT?

IS THAT BILLY? IS HE ALL RIGHT? BILLY'S IN A LITTLE TROUBLE

IS HE ALL RIGHT? BILLY'S IN A LITTLE TROUBLE NOW, MOTHER.

BILLY'S IN A LITTLE TROUBLE NOW, MOTHER. NOW, BILLY, EVERYTHING'S GONNA

NOW, MOTHER. NOW, BILLY, EVERYTHING'S GONNA BE ALL RIGHT.

NOW, BILLY, EVERYTHING'S GONNA BE ALL RIGHT. YOUR MOTHER AND I ARE GONNA HELP

BE ALL RIGHT. YOUR MOTHER AND I ARE GONNA HELP YOU OUT.

YOUR MOTHER AND I ARE GONNA HELP YOU OUT. WE'LL GET A LAWYER DOWN THERE.

YOU OUT. WE'LL GET A LAWYER DOWN THERE. WE'LL SPEND ANY AMOUNT OF MONEY

WE'LL GET A LAWYER DOWN THERE. WE'LL SPEND ANY AMOUNT OF MONEY TO GET A LAWYER TO PROVE YOUR

WE'LL SPEND ANY AMOUNT OF MONEY TO GET A LAWYER TO PROVE YOUR INNOCENCE, BILLY.

TO GET A LAWYER TO PROVE YOUR INNOCENCE, BILLY. WELL, I'M GUILTY, DAD.

INNOCENCE, BILLY. WELL, I'M GUILTY, DAD. WELL, UH, YOUR MOM AND I LOVE

WELL, I'M GUILTY, DAD. WELL, UH, YOUR MOM AND I LOVE YOU VERY MUCH, SON, AND WE'LL DO

WELL, UH, YOUR MOM AND I LOVE YOU VERY MUCH, SON, AND WE'LL DO ANYTHING WE CAN TO HELP YOU.

YOU VERY MUCH, SON, AND WE'LL DO ANYTHING WE CAN TO HELP YOU. AND I'M SURE THAT WHATEVER YOU

ANYTHING WE CAN TO HELP YOU. AND I'M SURE THAT WHATEVER YOU DID THERE, YOU DID FOR A GOOD

AND I'M SURE THAT WHATEVER YOU DID THERE, YOU DID FOR A GOOD REASON, AND YOU'RE A GOOD BOY,

DID THERE, YOU DID FOR A GOOD REASON, AND YOU'RE A GOOD BOY, BILLY.

REASON, AND YOU'RE A GOOD BOY, BILLY. NO, I'M NOT.

BILLY. NO, I'M NOT. SEE, I HELPED TO KILL 26 BOYS.

NO, I'M NOT. SEE, I HELPED TO KILL 26 BOYS. UH, 26 BOYS? UH-HUH.

SEE, I HELPED TO KILL 26 BOYS. UH, 26 BOYS? UH-HUH. WELL, I PICKED UP THESE

UH, 26 BOYS? UH-HUH. WELL, I PICKED UP THESE HITCHHIKERS AND BROUGHT THEM

WELL, I PICKED UP THESE HITCHHIKERS AND BROUGHT THEM OVER TO PARTIES AT MR. ELI'S.

HITCHHIKERS AND BROUGHT THEM OVER TO PARTIES AT MR. ELI'S. AND, WELL, THEY'D SNIFF GLUE,

OVER TO PARTIES AT MR. ELI'S. AND, WELL, THEY'D SNIFF GLUE, AND WE HAD THIS MAKESHIFT

AND, WELL, THEY'D SNIFF GLUE, AND WE HAD THIS MAKESHIFT PLYWOOD...

AND WE HAD THIS MAKESHIFT PLYWOOD... WHOA, WHOA, WHOA!

PLYWOOD... WHOA, WHOA, WHOA! HOLD ON, NOW.

WHOA, WHOA, WHOA! HOLD ON, NOW. NOW, DON'T YOU BLURT ANYTHING

HOLD ON, NOW. NOW, DON'T YOU BLURT ANYTHING OUT THERE UNTIL I GET A LAWYER

NOW, DON'T YOU BLURT ANYTHING OUT THERE UNTIL I GET A LAWYER DOWN THERE.

OUT THERE UNTIL I GET A LAWYER DOWN THERE. IS HE HURT?

DOWN THERE. IS HE HURT? PLEASE, MAMA, PLEASE.

IS HE HURT? PLEASE, MAMA, PLEASE. YOU'RE MAKING IT VERY DIFFICULT.

PLEASE, MAMA, PLEASE. YOU'RE MAKING IT VERY DIFFICULT. HE'S IN A LITTLE BIT OF TROUBLE

YOU'RE MAKING IT VERY DIFFICULT. HE'S IN A LITTLE BIT OF TROUBLE NOW.

HE'S IN A LITTLE BIT OF TROUBLE NOW. I'LL TELL YOU WHEN I GET OFF.

NOW. I'LL TELL YOU WHEN I GET OFF. NOW, BILLY, WE'RE GONNA COME

I'LL TELL YOU WHEN I GET OFF. NOW, BILLY, WE'RE GONNA COME DOWN THERE WITH A LAWYER, AND WE

NOW, BILLY, WE'RE GONNA COME DOWN THERE WITH A LAWYER, AND WE LOVE YOU, WE BELIEVE IN YOU, AND

DOWN THERE WITH A LAWYER, AND WE LOVE YOU, WE BELIEVE IN YOU, AND YOU JUST BE BRAVE.

LOVE YOU, WE BELIEVE IN YOU, AND YOU JUST BE BRAVE. KEEP YOUR CHIN UP, ALL RIGHT,

YOU JUST BE BRAVE. KEEP YOUR CHIN UP, ALL RIGHT, SON?

KEEP YOUR CHIN UP, ALL RIGHT, SON? OKAY, DAD.

SON? OKAY, DAD. OKAY. BYE-BYE, NOW, SON.

OKAY, DAD. OKAY. BYE-BYE, NOW, SON. BYE.

OKAY. BYE-BYE, NOW, SON. BYE. IT ISN'T MARIJUANA, IS IT?

BYE. IT ISN'T MARIJUANA, IS IT? NO, IT ISN'T MARIJUANA, MAMA.

IT ISN'T MARIJUANA, IS IT? NO, IT ISN'T MARIJUANA, MAMA. OH, THANK THE LORD!

DO YOU HAVE A FUNNY HOME MOVIE THAT YOU THINK AMERICA WOULD ENJOY?

MOVIE THAT YOU THINK AMERICA WOULD ENJOY? IF YOU DO, OR WANT TO MAKE ONE,

WOULD ENJOY? IF YOU DO, OR WANT TO MAKE ONE, IN SUPER 8 OR 16mm, NO LONGER

IF YOU DO, OR WANT TO MAKE ONE, IN SUPER 8 OR 16mm, NO LONGER THAN TWO MINUTES, NBC's

IN SUPER 8 OR 16mm, NO LONGER THAN TWO MINUTES, NBC's "SATURDAY NIGHT" WANTS TO SEE

THAN TWO MINUTES, NBC's "SATURDAY NIGHT" WANTS TO SEE IT, SO SEND IT TO US.

"SATURDAY NIGHT" WANTS TO SEE IT, SO SEND IT TO US. WE'LL TELL YOU HOW IN A MINUTE.

IT, SO SEND IT TO US. WE'LL TELL YOU HOW IN A MINUTE. NOW, WHAT DO YOU GET FOR

WE'LL TELL YOU HOW IN A MINUTE. NOW, WHAT DO YOU GET FOR SENDING US YOUR HOME MOVIES?

NOW, WHAT DO YOU GET FOR SENDING US YOUR HOME MOVIES? WOULD YOU TELL THEM WHAT THEY

SENDING US YOUR HOME MOVIES? WOULD YOU TELL THEM WHAT THEY GET, DON PARDO?

WOULD YOU TELL THEM WHAT THEY GET, DON PARDO? Announcer: CANDICE, THEY GET

GET, DON PARDO? Announcer: CANDICE, THEY GET ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.

Announcer: CANDICE, THEY GET ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. AND IN ADDITION, THE FILM WILL

ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. AND IN ADDITION, THE FILM WILL NOT BE RETURNED, UNLESS, OF

AND IN ADDITION, THE FILM WILL NOT BE RETURNED, UNLESS, OF COURSE, THEY SEND ALONG A

NOT BE RETURNED, UNLESS, OF COURSE, THEY SEND ALONG A SELF-ADDRESSED STAMPED ENVELOPE.

COURSE, THEY SEND ALONG A SELF-ADDRESSED STAMPED ENVELOPE. UH-HUH.

SELF-ADDRESSED STAMPED ENVELOPE. UH-HUH. TELL THEM ABOUT GUARANTEES,

UH-HUH. TELL THEM ABOUT GUARANTEES, DON PARDO.

TELL THEM ABOUT GUARANTEES, DON PARDO. Announcer: CANDICE, PEOPLE

DON PARDO. Announcer: CANDICE, PEOPLE SENDING IN HOME MOVIES HAVE NO

Announcer: CANDICE, PEOPLE SENDING IN HOME MOVIES HAVE NO GUARANTEES THAT NBC WILL USE ANY

SENDING IN HOME MOVIES HAVE NO GUARANTEES THAT NBC WILL USE ANY OF THE FILM.

GUARANTEES THAT NBC WILL USE ANY OF THE FILM. AH, WELL, IF IT IS USED, TELL

OF THE FILM. AH, WELL, IF IT IS USED, TELL THEM WHAT RIGHTS THEY HAVE,

AH, WELL, IF IT IS USED, TELL THEM WHAT RIGHTS THEY HAVE, DON PARDO.

THEM WHAT RIGHTS THEY HAVE, DON PARDO. Announcer: CANDICE, THEY HAVE

DON PARDO. Announcer: CANDICE, THEY HAVE NO RIGHTS WHATSOEVER.

Announcer: CANDICE, THEY HAVE NO RIGHTS WHATSOEVER. BUT NBC WILL HAVE UNLIMITED

NO RIGHTS WHATSOEVER. BUT NBC WILL HAVE UNLIMITED RIGHTS TO USE THE FILM IN ALL

BUT NBC WILL HAVE UNLIMITED RIGHTS TO USE THE FILM IN ALL MEDIA AND IN RELATED PUBLICITY

RIGHTS TO USE THE FILM IN ALL MEDIA AND IN RELATED PUBLICITY AND PROMOTION.

MEDIA AND IN RELATED PUBLICITY AND PROMOTION. ISN'T THIS A WONDERFUL OFFER?

AND PROMOTION. ISN'T THIS A WONDERFUL OFFER? SEND IN YOUR HOME-MOVIE COMEDIES

ISN'T THIS A WONDERFUL OFFER? SEND IN YOUR HOME-MOVIE COMEDIES AS FAST AS YOU CAN.

SEND IN YOUR HOME-MOVIE COMEDIES AS FAST AS YOU CAN. TELL THEM WHERE, DON PARDO.

Announcer: SEND YOUR HOME

MOVIES, UP TO TWO MINUTES,

SUPER 8 OR 16mm, TO...

AND INCLUDE YOUR NAME AND CURRENT ADDRESS. THANK YOU.

CURRENT ADDRESS. THANK YOU. AND NOW BACK TO OUR HOME

THANK YOU. AND NOW BACK TO OUR HOME TELEVISION SHOW.

AND NOW BACK TO OUR HOME TELEVISION SHOW. CANDY?

TELEVISION SHOW. CANDY? YES, CHEVY?

CANDY? YES, CHEVY? PERHAPS WE OUGHT TO SHOW OUR

YES, CHEVY? PERHAPS WE OUGHT TO SHOW OUR HOME AUDIENCE AND STUDIO

PERHAPS WE OUGHT TO SHOW OUR HOME AUDIENCE AND STUDIO AUDIENCE JUST WHAT WE MEAN BY

HOME AUDIENCE AND STUDIO AUDIENCE JUST WHAT WE MEAN BY "HOME MOVIE."

AUDIENCE JUST WHAT WE MEAN BY "HOME MOVIE." OKAY.

"HOME MOVIE." OKAY. WOULD YOU STEP THIS WAY?

OKAY. WOULD YOU STEP THIS WAY? NO, JUST KIDDING.

WE HAPPEN TO HAVE MADE A

2-MINUTE FILM OURSELVES, AND,

UH...

[BELLS CHIMING]

WE THOUGHT WE MIGHT SHOW IT TO

YOU NOW.

IT'S THE BEE CAPADES, OF

COURSE, ON THE ROCKEFELLER

SKATING RINK.

DAVE, DO YOU WANT TO ROLL IT?

THERE YOU ARE. OH, THAT'S ME. YEAH, AND THERE ARE THE BEES

OH, THAT'S ME. YEAH, AND THERE ARE THE BEES FORMING A TRADITIONAL CHRISTMAS

YEAH, AND THERE ARE THE BEES FORMING A TRADITIONAL CHRISTMAS TREE WITH YOU SKATING IN THE

FORMING A TRADITIONAL CHRISTMAS TREE WITH YOU SKATING IN THE MIDDLE.

TREE WITH YOU SKATING IN THE MIDDLE. OF COURSE, WE HAD A HIGH ANGLE

MIDDLE. OF COURSE, WE HAD A HIGH ANGLE ON ALL OF THESE.

OF COURSE, WE HAD A HIGH ANGLE ON ALL OF THESE. THERE'S YOU AGAIN, CANDICE.

ON ALL OF THESE. THERE'S YOU AGAIN, CANDICE. THE BEES ARE GOING INTO A

THERE'S YOU AGAIN, CANDICE. THE BEES ARE GOING INTO A FORMATION HERE.

THE BEES ARE GOING INTO A FORMATION HERE. WE LOST OUR PICTURE ABOVE.

FORMATION HERE. WE LOST OUR PICTURE ABOVE. I BELIEVE THEY WERE DOING A

WE LOST OUR PICTURE ABOVE. I BELIEVE THEY WERE DOING A FORMATION DESCRIBING CRANBERRY

I BELIEVE THEY WERE DOING A FORMATION DESCRIBING CRANBERRY SAUCE HERE.

FORMATION DESCRIBING CRANBERRY SAUCE HERE. THAT'S ME.

SAUCE HERE. THAT'S ME. MM-HMM. THERE'S YOU.

THAT'S ME. MM-HMM. THERE'S YOU. AND HERE COMES THE FAMOUS

MM-HMM. THERE'S YOU. AND HERE COMES THE FAMOUS NATIVITY TABLEAU.

AND HERE COMES THE FAMOUS NATIVITY TABLEAU. WE HAD SUCH A BEAUTIFUL ANGLE

NATIVITY TABLEAU. WE HAD SUCH A BEAUTIFUL ANGLE FROM ABOVE.

WE HAD SUCH A BEAUTIFUL ANGLE FROM ABOVE. THERE'S YOU AGAIN.

FROM ABOVE. THERE'S YOU AGAIN. THAT'S ME, YES.

THERE'S YOU AGAIN. THAT'S ME, YES. LET'S LOOK AT THAT IN SLOW

THAT'S ME, YES. LET'S LOOK AT THAT IN SLOW MOTION.

LET'S LOOK AT THAT IN SLOW MOTION. THE NATIVITY TABLEAU BY THE

MOTION. THE NATIVITY TABLEAU BY THE BEES.

THE NATIVITY TABLEAU BY THE BEES. AND WE LOST THE PICTURE UP

BEES. AND WE LOST THE PICTURE UP THERE, BUT YOU CAN SORT OF GET

AND WE LOST THE PICTURE UP THERE, BUT YOU CAN SORT OF GET AN IDEA OF IT HERE.

THERE, BUT YOU CAN SORT OF GET AN IDEA OF IT HERE. THEY MOVE VERY GRACEFULLY.

AN IDEA OF IT HERE. THEY MOVE VERY GRACEFULLY. THE PRECISION OF ARMY ANTS.

THEY MOVE VERY GRACEFULLY. THE PRECISION OF ARMY ANTS. AND THERE'S YOU.

THE PRECISION OF ARMY ANTS. AND THERE'S YOU. YES, THAT'S ME THERE.

AND THERE'S YOU. YES, THAT'S ME THERE. UNDAUNTINGLY BEAUTIFUL.

YES, THAT'S ME THERE. UNDAUNTINGLY BEAUTIFUL. HERE COMES THEIR FOURTH

UNDAUNTINGLY BEAUTIFUL. HERE COMES THEIR FOURTH FORMATION.

HERE COMES THEIR FOURTH FORMATION. NONE OF US COULD FIGURE THIS OUT

FORMATION. NONE OF US COULD FIGURE THIS OUT FROM THE ICE, IF YOU REMEMBER.

NONE OF US COULD FIGURE THIS OUT FROM THE ICE, IF YOU REMEMBER. THAT'S ME THERE.

FROM THE ICE, IF YOU REMEMBER. THAT'S ME THERE. THERE'S YOU.

THAT'S ME THERE. THERE'S YOU. HOWEVER, FROM ABOVE, NONE OF US

THERE'S YOU. HOWEVER, FROM ABOVE, NONE OF US COULD FIGURE THIS OUT, SO THEY

HOWEVER, FROM ABOVE, NONE OF US COULD FIGURE THIS OUT, SO THEY WENT IMMEDIATELY INTO THEIR

COULD FIGURE THIS OUT, SO THEY WENT IMMEDIATELY INTO THEIR FOURTH FORMATION.

WENT IMMEDIATELY INTO THEIR FOURTH FORMATION. AND THERE YOU HAVE IT.

FOURTH FORMATION. AND THERE YOU HAVE IT. THAT'S ME.

AND THERE YOU HAVE IT. THAT'S ME. THERE'S YOU.

THAT'S ME. THERE'S YOU. AND I BELIEVE NOW THAT WHAT THEY

THERE'S YOU. AND I BELIEVE NOW THAT WHAT THEY WERE TRYING TO DO WAS SPELL

AND I BELIEVE NOW THAT WHAT THEY WERE TRYING TO DO WAS SPELL SOMETHING OUT.

WERE TRYING TO DO WAS SPELL SOMETHING OUT. I THINK IT WAS "MISTLETOE" OR

SOMETHING OUT. I THINK IT WAS "MISTLETOE" OR "ADESTE FIDELIS."

I THINK IT WAS "MISTLETOE" OR "ADESTE FIDELIS." BUT THEY WENT BACK INTO THE

"ADESTE FIDELIS." BUT THEY WENT BACK INTO THE EXACT SAME FORMATION HERE FOR

BUT THEY WENT BACK INTO THE EXACT SAME FORMATION HERE FOR SOME STRANGE REASON.

EXACT SAME FORMATION HERE FOR SOME STRANGE REASON. THAT'S ME AGAIN.

SOME STRANGE REASON. THAT'S ME AGAIN. THERE'S YOU.

THAT'S ME AGAIN. THERE'S YOU. NOW, WE GOT OUR PICTURE BACK, I

THERE'S YOU. NOW, WE GOT OUR PICTURE BACK, I REMEMBER, HERE.

NOW, WE GOT OUR PICTURE BACK, I REMEMBER, HERE. THERE'S ME.

REMEMBER, HERE. THERE'S ME. AND FROM THE HIGH ANGLE, THE

THERE'S ME. AND FROM THE HIGH ANGLE, THE BEES DID A TRIBUTE TO THEIR

AND FROM THE HIGH ANGLE, THE BEES DID A TRIBUTE TO THEIR TRAINER, LEON.

BEES DID A TRIBUTE TO THEIR TRAINER, LEON. [APPLAUSE]

THAT'S PRETTY MUCH IT. ISN'T THAT BEAUTIFUL AND CHRISTMASY?

ISN'T THAT BEAUTIFUL AND CHRISTMASY? IT'S GORGEOUS.

CHRISTMASY? IT'S GORGEOUS. JUST TWO MINUTES.

Announcer: THIS CHRISTMAS, SELECT YOUR GIFTS WISELY FROM THE DON PARDO DIGITAL GIFT

SELECT YOUR GIFTS WISELY FROM THE DON PARDO DIGITAL GIFT CATALOGUE, LIKE THIS HANDSOME

THE DON PARDO DIGITAL GIFT CATALOGUE, LIKE THIS HANDSOME DIGITAL ASHTRAY.

CATALOGUE, LIKE THIS HANDSOME DIGITAL ASHTRAY. HOLDS UP TO 12 OUNCES OF BUTTS

DIGITAL ASHTRAY. HOLDS UP TO 12 OUNCES OF BUTTS AND TELLS TIME.

HOLDS UP TO 12 OUNCES OF BUTTS AND TELLS TIME. ONLY $8.99 AT ALL OUTLETS.

AND TELLS TIME. ONLY $8.99 AT ALL OUTLETS. AND NOW HERE'S SANTA AND

ONLY $8.99 AT ALL OUTLETS. AND NOW HERE'S SANTA AND REINDEER WITH A WORD FROM

AND NOW HERE'S SANTA AND REINDEER WITH A WORD FROM POLAROID.

REINDEER WITH A WORD FROM POLAROID. HI, I'M THE EASTER BUNNY.

POLAROID. HI, I'M THE EASTER BUNNY. YOU KNOW, WITH GRADUATION JUST

HI, I'M THE EASTER BUNNY. YOU KNOW, WITH GRADUATION JUST AROUND THE CORNER, I BET YOU'D

YOU KNOW, WITH GRADUATION JUST AROUND THE CORNER, I BET YOU'D LIKE TO GET THIS POLAROID DELUXE

AROUND THE CORNER, I BET YOU'D LIKE TO GET THIS POLAROID DELUXE SX-70 LAND CAMERA.

LIKE TO GET THIS POLAROID DELUXE SX-70 LAND CAMERA. CANDICE, SANTA NEEDS A LITTLE

SX-70 LAND CAMERA. CANDICE, SANTA NEEDS A LITTLE HELPER HERE.

CANDICE, SANTA NEEDS A LITTLE HELPER HERE. NOTICE WHO HE CALLS INSTEAD

HELPER HERE. NOTICE WHO HE CALLS INSTEAD OF DONDER AND BLITZEN.

NOTICE WHO HE CALLS INSTEAD OF DONDER AND BLITZEN. BOY, YOU'D MAKE A GREAT

OF DONDER AND BLITZEN. BOY, YOU'D MAKE A GREAT GET-WELL CARD.

BOY, YOU'D MAKE A GREAT GET-WELL CARD. YOU KNOW, YOU CAN COME IN

GET-WELL CARD. YOU KNOW, YOU CAN COME IN CLOSER THAN THAT.

YOU KNOW, YOU CAN COME IN CLOSER THAN THAT. YOU CAN COME IN AS CLOSE AS A

CLOSER THAN THAT. YOU CAN COME IN AS CLOSE AS A FOOT.

YOU CAN COME IN AS CLOSE AS A FOOT. OH, I DIDN'T WANT TO SCARE

FOOT. OH, I DIDN'T WANT TO SCARE YOU.

OH, I DIDN'T WANT TO SCARE YOU. SOME PEOPLE ARE AFRAID OF

YOU. SOME PEOPLE ARE AFRAID OF RABBITS.

SOME PEOPLE ARE AFRAID OF RABBITS. LET'S SEE.

RABBITS. LET'S SEE. NOW, YOU'RE LOOKING AT ME

LET'S SEE. NOW, YOU'RE LOOKING AT ME THROUGH THE PICTURE-TAKING LENS,

NOW, YOU'RE LOOKING AT ME THROUGH THE PICTURE-TAKING LENS, SO THE PICTURE YOU SEE IS THE

THROUGH THE PICTURE-TAKING LENS, SO THE PICTURE YOU SEE IS THE PICTURE THAT YOU'LL GET.

SO THE PICTURE YOU SEE IS THE PICTURE THAT YOU'LL GET. WELL, I SEE YOUR NOSE, BUT

PICTURE THAT YOU'LL GET. WELL, I SEE YOUR NOSE, BUT IT'S A LITTLE FUZZY.

WELL, I SEE YOUR NOSE, BUT IT'S A LITTLE FUZZY. WELL, THEN YOU TURN THE

IT'S A LITTLE FUZZY. WELL, THEN YOU TURN THE LITTLE WHEEL TO FOCUS.

WELL, THEN YOU TURN THE LITTLE WHEEL TO FOCUS. OH, UP HERE.

LITTLE WHEEL TO FOCUS. OH, UP HERE. YEAH. OKAY.

OH, UP HERE. YEAH. OKAY. NOW IT'S SHARP.

YEAH. OKAY. NOW IT'S SHARP. OKAY, NOW PRESS THE RED

NOW IT'S SHARP. OKAY, NOW PRESS THE RED ELECTRIC BUTTON.

OKAY, NOW PRESS THE RED ELECTRIC BUTTON. [CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS]

ELECTRIC BUTTON. [CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS] WELL, IT DOESN'T COME OUT AT

[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS] WELL, IT DOESN'T COME OUT AT FIRST, BUT, AS YOU CAN SEE, WE

WELL, IT DOESN'T COME OUT AT FIRST, BUT, AS YOU CAN SEE, WE TOOK SOME PICTURES JUST BEFORE

FIRST, BUT, AS YOU CAN SEE, WE TOOK SOME PICTURES JUST BEFORE THE SHOW, AND THESE PICTURES

TOOK SOME PICTURES JUST BEFORE THE SHOW, AND THESE PICTURES CAME UP IN MINUTES.

THE SHOW, AND THESE PICTURES CAME UP IN MINUTES. JUST LOOK AT THOSE COLORS.

CAME UP IN MINUTES. JUST LOOK AT THOSE COLORS. MERRY CHRISTMAS, JOHN.

JUST LOOK AT THOSE COLORS. MERRY CHRISTMAS, JOHN. MERRY CHRISTMAS, CANDICE.

MERRY CHRISTMAS, JOHN. MERRY CHRISTMAS, CANDICE. MERRY CHRISTMAS, TINY TIM.

MERRY CHRISTMAS, CANDICE. MERRY CHRISTMAS, TINY TIM. MERRY CHRISTMAS AND GOD BLESS

MERRY CHRISTMAS, TINY TIM. MERRY CHRISTMAS AND GOD BLESS US ALL, ONE AND ALL.

MERRY CHRISTMAS AND GOD BLESS US ALL, ONE AND ALL. AND EVERYONE.

US ALL, ONE AND ALL. AND EVERYONE. AND YOU, TOO.

[INTRODUCTION TO "YOU MAKE ME FEEL BRAND NEW" PLAYING]

♪ MY LOVE ♪ ♪ I'LL NEVER FIND THE WORDS ♪ ♪ MY LOVE ♪

♪ I'LL NEVER FIND THE WORDS ♪ ♪ MY LOVE ♪ ♪ TO TELL YOU HOW I FEEL ♪

♪ MY LOVE ♪ ♪ TO TELL YOU HOW I FEEL ♪ ♪ MY LOVE ♪

♪ TO TELL YOU HOW I FEEL ♪ ♪ MY LOVE ♪ ♪ MERE WORDS ♪

♪ MY LOVE ♪ ♪ MERE WORDS ♪ ♪ COULD NOT ♪

♪ MERE WORDS ♪ ♪ COULD NOT ♪ ♪ EXPLAIN ♪

♪ COULD NOT ♪ ♪ EXPLAIN ♪ ♪ PRECIOUS LOVE ♪

♪ EXPLAIN ♪ ♪ PRECIOUS LOVE ♪ ♪ YOU HELD MY LIFE WITHIN YOUR

♪ PRECIOUS LOVE ♪ ♪ YOU HELD MY LIFE WITHIN YOUR HANDS ♪

♪ YOU HELD MY LIFE WITHIN YOUR HANDS ♪ ♪ CREATED EVERYTHING I AM ♪

HANDS ♪ ♪ CREATED EVERYTHING I AM ♪ ♪ TAUGHT ME HOW TO LIVE AGAIN ♪

♪ CREATED EVERYTHING I AM ♪ ♪ TAUGHT ME HOW TO LIVE AGAIN ♪ ♪ ONLY YOU ♪

♪ TAUGHT ME HOW TO LIVE AGAIN ♪ ♪ ONLY YOU ♪ ♪ CAME WHEN I NEEDED A FRIEND ♪

♪ ONLY YOU ♪ ♪ CAME WHEN I NEEDED A FRIEND ♪ ♪ BELIEVED IN ME THROUGH THICK

♪ CAME WHEN I NEEDED A FRIEND ♪ ♪ BELIEVED IN ME THROUGH THICK AND THIN ♪

♪ BELIEVED IN ME THROUGH THICK AND THIN ♪ ♪ THIS SONG IS FOR YOU ♪

AND THIN ♪ ♪ THIS SONG IS FOR YOU ♪ ♪ FILLED WITH GRATITUDE AND

♪ THIS SONG IS FOR YOU ♪ ♪ FILLED WITH GRATITUDE AND LOVE ♪

♪ FILLED WITH GRATITUDE AND LOVE ♪ ♪ GOD BLESS YOU ♪

LOVE ♪ ♪ GOD BLESS YOU ♪ ♪ YOU MAKE ME FEEL BRAND NEW ♪

♪ GOD BLESS YOU ♪ ♪ YOU MAKE ME FEEL BRAND NEW ♪ ♪ FOR GOD BLESSED ME WITH YOU ♪

♪ YOU MAKE ME FEEL BRAND NEW ♪ ♪ FOR GOD BLESSED ME WITH YOU ♪ ♪ YOU MAKE ME FEEL BRAND NEW ♪

♪ FOR GOD BLESSED ME WITH YOU ♪ ♪ YOU MAKE ME FEEL BRAND NEW ♪ ♪ I SING THIS SONG 'CAUSE YOU ♪

♪ YOU MAKE ME FEEL BRAND NEW ♪ ♪ I SING THIS SONG 'CAUSE YOU ♪ ♪ MAKE ME FEEL BRAND NEW ♪

♪ MY LOVE ♪ ♪ WHENEVER I WAS INSECURE ♪ ♪ YOU BUILT ME UP AND MADE ME

♪ WHENEVER I WAS INSECURE ♪ ♪ YOU BUILT ME UP AND MADE ME SURE ♪

♪ YOU BUILT ME UP AND MADE ME SURE ♪ ♪ YOU GAVE ♪

SURE ♪ ♪ YOU GAVE ♪ ♪ MY PRIDE ♪

♪ YOU GAVE ♪ ♪ MY PRIDE ♪ ♪ BACK TO ME ♪

♪ MY PRIDE ♪ ♪ BACK TO ME ♪ ♪ PRECIOUS FRIEND ♪

♪ BACK TO ME ♪ ♪ PRECIOUS FRIEND ♪ ♪ WITH YOU, I'LL ALWAYS HAVE A

♪ PRECIOUS FRIEND ♪ ♪ WITH YOU, I'LL ALWAYS HAVE A FRIEND ♪

♪ WITH YOU, I'LL ALWAYS HAVE A FRIEND ♪ ♪ YOU'RE SOMEONE WHO I CAN

FRIEND ♪ ♪ YOU'RE SOMEONE WHO I CAN DEPEND ♪

♪ YOU'RE SOMEONE WHO I CAN DEPEND ♪ ♪ TO WALK A PATH THAT SOMETIMES

DEPEND ♪ ♪ TO WALK A PATH THAT SOMETIMES BENDS ♪

♪ TO WALK A PATH THAT SOMETIMES BENDS ♪ ♪ WITHOUT YOU ♪

BENDS ♪ ♪ WITHOUT YOU ♪ ♪ LIFE HAS NO MEANING OR RHYME ♪

♪ WITHOUT YOU ♪ ♪ LIFE HAS NO MEANING OR RHYME ♪ ♪ LIKE NOTES TO A SONG OUT OF

♪ LIFE HAS NO MEANING OR RHYME ♪ ♪ LIKE NOTES TO A SONG OUT OF TIME ♪

♪ LIKE NOTES TO A SONG OUT OF TIME ♪ ♪ HOW CAN I REPAY YOU FOR HAVING

TIME ♪ ♪ HOW CAN I REPAY YOU FOR HAVING FAITH IN ME? ♪

♪ HOW CAN I REPAY YOU FOR HAVING FAITH IN ME? ♪ ♪ GOD BLESS YOU ♪

FAITH IN ME? ♪ ♪ GOD BLESS YOU ♪ ♪ YOU MAKE ME FEEL BRAND NEW ♪

♪ GOD BLESS YOU ♪ ♪ YOU MAKE ME FEEL BRAND NEW ♪ ♪ FOR GOD BLESSED ME WITH YOU ♪

♪ YOU MAKE ME FEEL BRAND NEW ♪ ♪ FOR GOD BLESSED ME WITH YOU ♪ ♪ YOU MAKE ME FEEL BRAND NEW ♪

♪ FOR GOD BLESSED ME WITH YOU ♪ ♪ YOU MAKE ME FEEL BRAND NEW ♪ [APPLAUSE]

INFLATIONARY PRICES GETTING YOU DOWN? THEN GET DOWN ON INFLATIONARY

YOU DOWN? THEN GET DOWN ON INFLATIONARY PRICES WITH THE NEW

THEN GET DOWN ON INFLATIONARY PRICES WITH THE NEW PRICE-IS-RITE STAMP GUN FROM

PRICES WITH THE NEW PRICE-IS-RITE STAMP GUN FROM K-PUT.

PRICE-IS-RITE STAMP GUN FROM K-PUT. SIMPLY SNAP IN A K-PUT PRICE TAG

K-PUT. SIMPLY SNAP IN A K-PUT PRICE TAG ROLL, ADJUST THE FINGERTIP

SIMPLY SNAP IN A K-PUT PRICE TAG ROLL, ADJUST THE FINGERTIP CONTROL PRICE DIAL, AIM YOUR

ROLL, ADJUST THE FINGERTIP CONTROL PRICE DIAL, AIM YOUR PRICE-IS-RITE STAMP GUN OVER THE

CONTROL PRICE DIAL, AIM YOUR PRICE-IS-RITE STAMP GUN OVER THE REGULAR MARKING, PULL THE

PRICE-IS-RITE STAMP GUN OVER THE REGULAR MARKING, PULL THE TRIGGER, AND PRESTO!

REGULAR MARKING, PULL THE TRIGGER, AND PRESTO! LOOK AT THIS... A WHOLE

TRIGGER, AND PRESTO! LOOK AT THIS... A WHOLE WATERMELON FOR ONLY 3 CENTS.

LOOK AT THIS... A WHOLE WATERMELON FOR ONLY 3 CENTS. A 12-POUND TURKEY FOR JUST

WATERMELON FOR ONLY 3 CENTS. A 12-POUND TURKEY FOR JUST 4 CENTS.

A 12-POUND TURKEY FOR JUST 4 CENTS. SAVE THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS.

4 CENTS. SAVE THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS. FEED YOUR ENTIRE FAMILY FOR

SAVE THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS. FEED YOUR ENTIRE FAMILY FOR PENNIES A DAY.

FEED YOUR ENTIRE FAMILY FOR PENNIES A DAY. SHOP FOR YOUR FRIENDS.

PENNIES A DAY. SHOP FOR YOUR FRIENDS. IT'S FUN AND EASY.

SHOP FOR YOUR FRIENDS. IT'S FUN AND EASY. ONE TRIP TO THE STORE, AND YOUR

IT'S FUN AND EASY. ONE TRIP TO THE STORE, AND YOUR K-PUT STAMP GUN WILL PAY FOR

ONE TRIP TO THE STORE, AND YOUR K-PUT STAMP GUN WILL PAY FOR ITSELF.

K-PUT STAMP GUN WILL PAY FOR ITSELF. BUY EVERYTHING YOU EVER WANTED.

THERE'S NO BETTER WAY TO STRETCH

YOUR SHOPPING DOLLARS.

K-PUT'S PRICE-IS-RITE STAMP GUN,

A STEAL AT ONLY $49.95 WHILE

THEY LAST.

THAT'S $49.95 TO...

VOID WHERE PROHIBITED BY LAW.

♪ UP ON THE HOUSETOP ♪ ♪ CLICK, CLICK, CLICK ♪ ♪ DOWN THROUGH THE CHIMNEY ♪

♪ CLICK, CLICK, CLICK ♪ ♪ DOWN THROUGH THE CHIMNEY ♪ ♪ WITH GOOD SAINT NICK ♪

♪ DOWN THROUGH THE CHIMNEY ♪ ♪ WITH GOOD SAINT NICK ♪ ♪ HO, HO, HO ♪

♪ WITH GOOD SAINT NICK ♪ ♪ HO, HO, HO ♪ ♪ WHO WOULDN'T GO? ♪

♪ HO, HO, HO ♪ ♪ WHO WOULDN'T GO? ♪ ♪ HO, HO, HO ♪

♪ WHO WOULDN'T GO? ♪ ♪ HO, HO, HO ♪ ♪ WHO WOULDN'T KNOW? ♪

♪ HO, HO, HO ♪ ♪ WHO WOULDN'T KNOW? ♪ ♪ OH ♪

♪ WHO WOULDN'T KNOW? ♪ ♪ OH ♪ TO THE TOP OF THE PORCH.

♪ OH ♪ TO THE TOP OF THE PORCH. TO THE TOP OF THE WALL.

TO THE TOP OF THE PORCH. TO THE TOP OF THE WALL. NOW DANCE AWAY, DANCE AWAY,

TO THE TOP OF THE WALL. NOW DANCE AWAY, DANCE AWAY, DANCE AWAY ALL!

NOW DANCE AWAY, DANCE AWAY, DANCE AWAY ALL! HEE HEE!

DANCE AWAY ALL! HEE HEE! ♪ UP ON THE HOUSETOP ♪

HEE HEE! ♪ UP ON THE HOUSETOP ♪ ♪ CLICK, CLICK, CLICK ♪

♪ UP ON THE HOUSETOP ♪ ♪ CLICK, CLICK, CLICK ♪ ♪ DOWN THROUGH THE CHIMNEY ♪

♪ CLICK, CLICK, CLICK ♪ ♪ DOWN THROUGH THE CHIMNEY ♪ ♪ WITH GOOD SAINT NICK ♪

♪ DOWN THROUGH THE CHIMNEY ♪ ♪ WITH GOOD SAINT NICK ♪ MERRY CHRISTMAS!

♪ WITH GOOD SAINT NICK ♪ MERRY CHRISTMAS! ♪ HO, HO, HO ♪

MERRY CHRISTMAS! ♪ HO, HO, HO ♪ ♪ WHO WOULDN'T... ♪

♪ HO, HO, HO ♪ ♪ WHO WOULDN'T... ♪ SIS?

♪ WHO WOULDN'T... ♪ SIS? OH, MY GOD.

SIS? OH, MY GOD. DON'T LOOK, SIS.

OH, MY GOD. DON'T LOOK, SIS. BE A LOT LESS PAINFUL FOR YOU IF

DON'T LOOK, SIS. BE A LOT LESS PAINFUL FOR YOU IF YOU JUST, UH, TRY NOT TO LOOK.

BE A LOT LESS PAINFUL FOR YOU IF YOU JUST, UH, TRY NOT TO LOOK. MY OWN BROTHER.

YOU JUST, UH, TRY NOT TO LOOK. MY OWN BROTHER. I MIGHT HAVE EXPECTED THIS OF

MY OWN BROTHER. I MIGHT HAVE EXPECTED THIS OF ANYONE, BUT MY OWN BROTHER?

I MIGHT HAVE EXPECTED THIS OF ANYONE, BUT MY OWN BROTHER? IT'S BEEN MY SECRET SO LONG,

ANYONE, BUT MY OWN BROTHER? IT'S BEEN MY SECRET SO LONG, LINDA.

IT'S BEEN MY SECRET SO LONG, LINDA. I GUESS I'M ALMOST GLAD YOU

LINDA. I GUESS I'M ALMOST GLAD YOU FOUND OUT.

I GUESS I'M ALMOST GLAD YOU FOUND OUT. IT'S LIKE SOME RELIEF AFTER ALL

FOUND OUT. IT'S LIKE SOME RELIEF AFTER ALL THESE YEARS FOR SOMEBODY TO

IT'S LIKE SOME RELIEF AFTER ALL THESE YEARS FOR SOMEBODY TO FINALLY REALIZE AND KNOW THAT

THESE YEARS FOR SOMEBODY TO FINALLY REALIZE AND KNOW THAT I'M... I'M A...

FINALLY REALIZE AND KNOW THAT I'M... I'M A... LATENT ELF?!

I'M... I'M A... LATENT ELF?! IS THAT WHAT YOU'RE TRYING TO

LATENT ELF?! IS THAT WHAT YOU'RE TRYING TO SAY?!

IS THAT WHAT YOU'RE TRYING TO SAY?! YES, I'M AN ELF!

SAY?! YES, I'M AN ELF! I'M AN ELF, AND I'M PROUD OF IT!

YES, I'M AN ELF! I'M AN ELF, AND I'M PROUD OF IT! NOW MAYBE YOU'LL UNDERSTAND WHAT

I'M AN ELF, AND I'M PROUD OF IT! NOW MAYBE YOU'LL UNDERSTAND WHAT I WAS DOING WITH ALL THOSE 8x10s

NOW MAYBE YOU'LL UNDERSTAND WHAT I WAS DOING WITH ALL THOSE 8x10s OF SANTA'S HELPERS OVER MY BED.

I WAS DOING WITH ALL THOSE 8x10s OF SANTA'S HELPERS OVER MY BED. HOW DID IT START, TEDDY?

OF SANTA'S HELPERS OVER MY BED. HOW DID IT START, TEDDY? HOW DID IT HAPPEN?

HOW DID IT START, TEDDY? HOW DID IT HAPPEN? YOU WERE ALWAYS A RED-BLOODED

HOW DID IT HAPPEN? YOU WERE ALWAYS A RED-BLOODED AMERICAN BOY GOING OFF TO

YOU WERE ALWAYS A RED-BLOODED AMERICAN BOY GOING OFF TO FOOTBALL PRACTICE!

AMERICAN BOY GOING OFF TO FOOTBALL PRACTICE! ONLY I WOULDN'T GO OFF TO

FOOTBALL PRACTICE! ONLY I WOULDN'T GO OFF TO FOOTBALL PRACTICE!

ONLY I WOULDN'T GO OFF TO FOOTBALL PRACTICE! I'D GO OFF TO SOME LEAFY GLADE

FOOTBALL PRACTICE! I'D GO OFF TO SOME LEAFY GLADE AND MAKE MERRY.

I'D GO OFF TO SOME LEAFY GLADE AND MAKE MERRY. I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT.

AND MAKE MERRY. I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT. ALL RIGHT.

I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT. ALL RIGHT. SO THIS IS WHY YOU NEVER GOT

ALL RIGHT. SO THIS IS WHY YOU NEVER GOT MARRIED.

SO THIS IS WHY YOU NEVER GOT MARRIED. OH, I COULD HAVE GOTTEN

MARRIED. OH, I COULD HAVE GOTTEN MARRIED.

OH, I COULD HAVE GOTTEN MARRIED. LOTS OF US GET MARRIED, LEAD

MARRIED. LOTS OF US GET MARRIED, LEAD PERFECTLY NORMAL LIVES, HAVE

LOTS OF US GET MARRIED, LEAD PERFECTLY NORMAL LIVES, HAVE CHILDREN.

PERFECTLY NORMAL LIVES, HAVE CHILDREN. WOULD YOU MIND BEING A LITTLE

CHILDREN. WOULD YOU MIND BEING A LITTLE MORE DISCREET?

WOULD YOU MIND BEING A LITTLE MORE DISCREET? I CAN SEE YOUR BELLS.

MORE DISCREET? I CAN SEE YOUR BELLS. YOU THINK I'M DISGUSTING,

I CAN SEE YOUR BELLS. YOU THINK I'M DISGUSTING, DON'T YOU?

YOU THINK I'M DISGUSTING, DON'T YOU? NO, NOT DISGUSTING.

DON'T YOU? NO, NOT DISGUSTING. JUST SORT OF...

NO, NOT DISGUSTING. JUST SORT OF... IMPISH AND SPRY.

JUST SORT OF... IMPISH AND SPRY. SPRY?

IMPISH AND SPRY. SPRY? SEEN THAT WORD SO MANY TIMES IN

SPRY? SEEN THAT WORD SO MANY TIMES IN DICTIONARIES.

SEEN THAT WORD SO MANY TIMES IN DICTIONARIES. I'VE HEARD IT OVER THE YEARS.

DICTIONARIES. I'VE HEARD IT OVER THE YEARS. I SOMEHOW NEVER DREAMED IT WOULD

I'VE HEARD IT OVER THE YEARS. I SOMEHOW NEVER DREAMED IT WOULD APPLY TO ME.

I SOMEHOW NEVER DREAMED IT WOULD APPLY TO ME. I NEVER DID, EITHER, TEDDY.

APPLY TO ME. I NEVER DID, EITHER, TEDDY. I MEAN, WE GREW UP TOGETHER,

I NEVER DID, EITHER, TEDDY. I MEAN, WE GREW UP TOGETHER, BOTH OF US, REFERRING TO THE

I MEAN, WE GREW UP TOGETHER, BOTH OF US, REFERRING TO THE SEVEN DWARFS AS "THEY," AND NOW

BOTH OF US, REFERRING TO THE SEVEN DWARFS AS "THEY," AND NOW THIS!

SEVEN DWARFS AS "THEY," AND NOW THIS! YOU KNOW, I GUESS, IN A WAY,

THIS! YOU KNOW, I GUESS, IN A WAY, I'M SURPRISED YOU DIDN'T GUESS

YOU KNOW, I GUESS, IN A WAY, I'M SURPRISED YOU DIDN'T GUESS EARLIER.

I'M SURPRISED YOU DIDN'T GUESS EARLIER. MANY'S THE TIME I COULD HAVE

EARLIER. MANY'S THE TIME I COULD HAVE SWORN YOU MIGHT HAVE CAUGHT THE

MANY'S THE TIME I COULD HAVE SWORN YOU MIGHT HAVE CAUGHT THE TWINKLE IN MY EYE.

SWORN YOU MIGHT HAVE CAUGHT THE TWINKLE IN MY EYE. WELL, EVEN IF I DID, LOTS OF

TWINKLE IN MY EYE. WELL, EVEN IF I DID, LOTS OF PEOPLE HAVE TWINKLES IN THEIR

WELL, EVEN IF I DID, LOTS OF PEOPLE HAVE TWINKLES IN THEIR EYE... DICK CAVETT, I DON'T

PEOPLE HAVE TWINKLES IN THEIR EYE... DICK CAVETT, I DON'T KNOW.

EYE... DICK CAVETT, I DON'T KNOW. YOU DON'T MEAN...

KNOW. YOU DON'T MEAN... [SCOFFS]

YOU DON'T MEAN... [SCOFFS] MOST TALK-SHOW HOSTS ARE.

[SCOFFS] MOST TALK-SHOW HOSTS ARE. YOU KNOW, YOU'LL PROBABLY HANDLE

MOST TALK-SHOW HOSTS ARE. YOU KNOW, YOU'LL PROBABLY HANDLE THIS A LOT BETTER ONCE YOU

YOU KNOW, YOU'LL PROBABLY HANDLE THIS A LOT BETTER ONCE YOU REALIZE THAT FROLICKING IS

THIS A LOT BETTER ONCE YOU REALIZE THAT FROLICKING IS PERFECTLY NORMAL.

REALIZE THAT FROLICKING IS PERFECTLY NORMAL. SURE.

PERFECTLY NORMAL. SURE. I MEAN, YOU LIKE TO DANCE.

SURE. I MEAN, YOU LIKE TO DANCE. I LIKE TO PRANCE.

I MEAN, YOU LIKE TO DANCE. I LIKE TO PRANCE. I LIKE TO LOSE MY HAT.

I LIKE TO PRANCE. I LIKE TO LOSE MY HAT. I LIKE TO PUT IT BACK ON MY

I LIKE TO LOSE MY HAT. I LIKE TO PUT IT BACK ON MY HEAD.

I LIKE TO PUT IT BACK ON MY HEAD. DOES THAT MAKE ME ANY DIFFERENT

HEAD. DOES THAT MAKE ME ANY DIFFERENT THAN YOU?

DOES THAT MAKE ME ANY DIFFERENT THAN YOU? I SUPPOSE NOT.

THAN YOU? I SUPPOSE NOT. THERE YOU ARE.

I SUPPOSE NOT. THERE YOU ARE. YOU THINK OF THE ELVES AND THE

THERE YOU ARE. YOU THINK OF THE ELVES AND THE SHOEMAKER AS SOME KIND OF A CUTE

YOU THINK OF THE ELVES AND THE SHOEMAKER AS SOME KIND OF A CUTE STORY.

SHOEMAKER AS SOME KIND OF A CUTE STORY. I THINK OF IT AS A GRAND DESIGN

STORY. I THINK OF IT AS A GRAND DESIGN FOR LIFE.

I THINK OF IT AS A GRAND DESIGN FOR LIFE. SO?

FOR LIFE. SO? SO WHAT?

SO? SO WHAT? I'M SORRY, TEDDY.

SO WHAT? I'M SORRY, TEDDY. IT'S JUST TAKING ME A WHILE TO

I'M SORRY, TEDDY. IT'S JUST TAKING ME A WHILE TO GET USED TO IT.

IT'S JUST TAKING ME A WHILE TO GET USED TO IT. THAT'S ALL.

GET USED TO IT. THAT'S ALL. BUT I'LL LEARN TO ACCEPT IT.

THAT'S ALL. BUT I'LL LEARN TO ACCEPT IT. AW, SIS.

BUT I'LL LEARN TO ACCEPT IT. AW, SIS. TEDDY.

AW, SIS. TEDDY. YOU'RE THE GREATEST.

TEDDY. YOU'RE THE GREATEST. [KNOCK ON DOOR]

YOU'RE THE GREATEST. [KNOCK ON DOOR] OH, MY GOD, IT'S MOM AND DAD!

[KNOCK ON DOOR] OH, MY GOD, IT'S MOM AND DAD! I TOLD THEM TO MEET ME HERE FOR

OH, MY GOD, IT'S MOM AND DAD! I TOLD THEM TO MEET ME HERE FOR THE CLUB CHRISTMAS PARTY AND

I TOLD THEM TO MEET ME HERE FOR THE CLUB CHRISTMAS PARTY AND NOW...

THE CLUB CHRISTMAS PARTY AND NOW... HEY, IF THEY HAVE TO HANDLE

NOW... HEY, IF THEY HAVE TO HANDLE IT, THEY'LL HANDLE IT.

HEY, IF THEY HAVE TO HANDLE IT, THEY'LL HANDLE IT. BOY, I HOPE SO.

IT, THEY'LL HANDLE IT. BOY, I HOPE SO. MOM, DAD, UH, BEFORE YOU COME

BOY, I HOPE SO. MOM, DAD, UH, BEFORE YOU COME IN, I THINK THERE'S ONE THING

MOM, DAD, UH, BEFORE YOU COME IN, I THINK THERE'S ONE THING YOU SHOULD KNOW.

SO, YOU'RE ONE OF THEM. MOM, LISTEN... IT'S ALL RIGHT, LINDA.

MOM, LISTEN... IT'S ALL RIGHT, LINDA. YOUR FATHER HAS BEEN ONE FOR

IT'S ALL RIGHT, LINDA. YOUR FATHER HAS BEEN ONE FOR YEARS.

YOUR FATHER HAS BEEN ONE FOR YEARS. DAD?!

IT'S SOMETHING I'VE LEARNED TO LIVE WITH. ALL THOSE LONELY CHRISTMAS EVES

TO LIVE WITH. ALL THOSE LONELY CHRISTMAS EVES AFTER YOU KIDS WENT TO BED,

ALL THOSE LONELY CHRISTMAS EVES AFTER YOU KIDS WENT TO BED, WONDERING WHOSE TREE HE WAS

AFTER YOU KIDS WENT TO BED, WONDERING WHOSE TREE HE WAS TRIMMING, WHOSE STOCKING HE WAS

WONDERING WHOSE TREE HE WAS TRIMMING, WHOSE STOCKING HE WAS STICKING A LUMP OF COAL INTO.

TRIMMING, WHOSE STOCKING HE WAS STICKING A LUMP OF COAL INTO. COME ON, MOM, I THINK WE'D

STICKING A LUMP OF COAL INTO. COME ON, MOM, I THINK WE'D BETTER TALK.

COME ON, MOM, I THINK WE'D BETTER TALK. [DOOR CLOSES]

BETTER TALK. [DOOR CLOSES] [SIGHS]

[DOOR CLOSES] [SIGHS] SON, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY.

[SIGHS] SON, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY. DAD, IT'S ALL RIGHT.

♪ UP ON THE ROOFTOP ♪ ♪ QUICK, QUICK, QUICK! ♪ ♪ DOWN THROUGH THE CHIMNEY ♪

♪ QUICK, QUICK, QUICK! ♪ ♪ DOWN THROUGH THE CHIMNEY ♪ ♪ WITH GOOD SAINT NICK ♪

♪ DOWN THROUGH THE CHIMNEY ♪ ♪ WITH GOOD SAINT NICK ♪ ♪ HO, HO, HO ♪

♪ WITH GOOD SAINT NICK ♪ ♪ HO, HO, HO ♪ ♪ WHO WOULDN'T GO? ♪

♪ HO, HO, HO ♪ ♪ WHO WOULDN'T GO? ♪ ♪ HO, HO, HO ♪

Announcer: AND NOW "WEEKEND UPDATE" WITH CHEVY CHASE.

"WEEKEND UPDATE" WITH CHEVY CHASE. I WASN'T THAT MAD.

CHEVY CHASE. I WASN'T THAT MAD. TEETH ALWAYS HURT.

I WASN'T THAT MAD. TEETH ALWAYS HURT. I TOLD YOU THAT.

TEETH ALWAYS HURT. I TOLD YOU THAT. G...

I TOLD YOU THAT. G... GOOD EVENING.

G... GOOD EVENING. I'M CHEVY CHASE, AND YOU'RE NOT.

GOOD EVENING. I'M CHEVY CHASE, AND YOU'RE NOT. OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT... A

I'M CHEVY CHASE, AND YOU'RE NOT. OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT... A HARRIS POLL HAS REVEALED THAT

OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT... A HARRIS POLL HAS REVEALED THAT HUBERT HUMPHREY IS AHEAD OF BOTH

HARRIS POLL HAS REVEALED THAT HUBERT HUMPHREY IS AHEAD OF BOTH FORD AND REAGAN IN POPULARITY.

HUBERT HUMPHREY IS AHEAD OF BOTH FORD AND REAGAN IN POPULARITY. HARRIS SAID THAT IF THE ELECTION

FORD AND REAGAN IN POPULARITY. HARRIS SAID THAT IF THE ELECTION WERE TO BE HELD TOMORROW,

HARRIS SAID THAT IF THE ELECTION WERE TO BE HELD TOMORROW, HUBERT HUMPHREY WOULD BE THE

WERE TO BE HELD TOMORROW, HUBERT HUMPHREY WOULD BE THE PRESIDENT.

HUBERT HUMPHREY WOULD BE THE PRESIDENT. HUMPHREY COULD NOT BE REACHED

PRESIDENT. HUMPHREY COULD NOT BE REACHED FOR COMMENT TODAY.

HUMPHREY COULD NOT BE REACHED FOR COMMENT TODAY. HE'S RUNNING AROUND THE COUNTRY,

FOR COMMENT TODAY. HE'S RUNNING AROUND THE COUNTRY, TRYING TO GET THE POLLS OPEN.

HE'S RUNNING AROUND THE COUNTRY, TRYING TO GET THE POLLS OPEN. YESTERDAY A DELIGHTED HUMPHREY

TRYING TO GET THE POLLS OPEN. YESTERDAY A DELIGHTED HUMPHREY HELD A PRESS CONFERENCE IN WHICH

YESTERDAY A DELIGHTED HUMPHREY HELD A PRESS CONFERENCE IN WHICH HE STRUCK SIX CLASSIC POSES FOR

HELD A PRESS CONFERENCE IN WHICH HE STRUCK SIX CLASSIC POSES FOR PHOTOGRAPHERS.

THIS BULLETIN JUST IN. FROM MADRID, SPAIN, COMES THE WORD THAT GENERALISSIMO

FROM MADRID, SPAIN, COMES THE WORD THAT GENERALISSIMO FRANCISCO FRANCO IS STILL DEAD.

WORD THAT GENERALISSIMO FRANCISCO FRANCO IS STILL DEAD. DOCTORS SAY HIS CONDITION IS

FRANCISCO FRANCO IS STILL DEAD. DOCTORS SAY HIS CONDITION IS UNCHANGED.

DOCTORS SAY HIS CONDITION IS UNCHANGED. WELL, THE TRIAL OF

UNCHANGED. WELL, THE TRIAL OF SQUEAKY FROMME HAS ENDED.

WELL, THE TRIAL OF SQUEAKY FROMME HAS ENDED. HERE, REPORTING FROM THE

SQUEAKY FROMME HAS ENDED. HERE, REPORTING FROM THE COURTROOM IN SACRAMENTO,

HERE, REPORTING FROM THE COURTROOM IN SACRAMENTO, CALIFORNIA, IS CORRESPONDENT

COURTROOM IN SACRAMENTO, CALIFORNIA, IS CORRESPONDENT DAVID HAYWARD.

CALIFORNIA, IS CORRESPONDENT DAVID HAYWARD. LYNETTE "SQUEAKY" FROMME WAS

DAVID HAYWARD. LYNETTE "SQUEAKY" FROMME WAS SENTENCED TO LIFE TODAY FOR HER

LYNETTE "SQUEAKY" FROMME WAS SENTENCED TO LIFE TODAY FOR HER ATTEMPT ON PRESIDENT FORD'S

SENTENCED TO LIFE TODAY FOR HER ATTEMPT ON PRESIDENT FORD'S LIFE.

ATTEMPT ON PRESIDENT FORD'S LIFE. U.S. DISTRICT COURT JUDGE

LIFE. U.S. DISTRICT COURT JUDGE MacBRIDE, SAYING HE WAS

U.S. DISTRICT COURT JUDGE MacBRIDE, SAYING HE WAS CONVINCED MS. FROMME WOULD HAVE

MacBRIDE, SAYING HE WAS CONVINCED MS. FROMME WOULD HAVE MURDERED FORD IF SHE COULD HAVE,

CONVINCED MS. FROMME WOULD HAVE MURDERED FORD IF SHE COULD HAVE, DECLARED THAT SHE WAS BEYOND

MURDERED FORD IF SHE COULD HAVE, DECLARED THAT SHE WAS BEYOND REHABILITATION.

DECLARED THAT SHE WAS BEYOND REHABILITATION. MS. FROMME LET OUT A

REHABILITATION. MS. FROMME LET OUT A BLOODCURDLING SCREAM AFTER

MS. FROMME LET OUT A BLOODCURDLING SCREAM AFTER SENTENCING.

BLOODCURDLING SCREAM AFTER SENTENCING. "YOU FOOL," SHE SHOUTED AT THE

SENTENCING. "YOU FOOL," SHE SHOUTED AT THE JUDGE, "I TRIED TO SAVE YOUR

"YOU FOOL," SHE SHOUTED AT THE JUDGE, "I TRIED TO SAVE YOUR LIFE!"

JUDGE, "I TRIED TO SAVE YOUR LIFE!" THE SENTENCE CAME IN.

LIFE!" THE SENTENCE CAME IN. FROMME HIT THE PROSECUTOR WITH

THE SENTENCE CAME IN. FROMME HIT THE PROSECUTOR WITH AN APPLE.

FROMME HIT THE PROSECUTOR WITH AN APPLE. THOUSANDS WATCHED ON TV AS

AN APPLE. THOUSANDS WATCHED ON TV AS FROMME WAS CARRIED BODILY FROM

THOUSANDS WATCHED ON TV AS FROMME WAS CARRIED BODILY FROM THE COURTROOM BY U.S. MARSHALS.

FROMME WAS CARRIED BODILY FROM THE COURTROOM BY U.S. MARSHALS. AN OVERWORKED AND EXHAUSTED JURY

THE COURTROOM BY U.S. MARSHALS. AN OVERWORKED AND EXHAUSTED JURY LEFT THE COURTROOM SATISFIED AND

AN OVERWORKED AND EXHAUSTED JURY LEFT THE COURTROOM SATISFIED AND CELEBRATED LATER IN A NEARBY

LEFT THE COURTROOM SATISFIED AND CELEBRATED LATER IN A NEARBY HOTEL.

CELEBRATED LATER IN A NEARBY HOTEL. THIS IS DAVID HAYWARD FOR

HOTEL. THIS IS DAVID HAYWARD FOR "WEEKEND UPDATE," REPORTING.

THE MATTEL TOY COMPANY HAS INTRODUCED A NEW DOLL JUST IN TIME FOR CHRISTMAS.

INTRODUCED A NEW DOLL JUST IN TIME FOR CHRISTMAS. IT'S CALLED GROWING UP SKIPPER.

TIME FOR CHRISTMAS. IT'S CALLED GROWING UP SKIPPER. TWIST THE DOLL'S ARM, AND SHE

IT'S CALLED GROWING UP SKIPPER. TWIST THE DOLL'S ARM, AND SHE GROWS AN INCH TALLER AND

TWIST THE DOLL'S ARM, AND SHE GROWS AN INCH TALLER AND DEVELOPS A BUST.

GROWS AN INCH TALLER AND DEVELOPS A BUST. FUTURE MARKETING PLANS INCLUDE

DEVELOPS A BUST. FUTURE MARKETING PLANS INCLUDE GROWING UP SKIPPER'S FRIEND,

FUTURE MARKETING PLANS INCLUDE GROWING UP SKIPPER'S FRIEND, GROWN-UP CINDY.

GROWING UP SKIPPER'S FRIEND, GROWN-UP CINDY. TWIST HER ARM, AND SHE SAYS,

GROWN-UP CINDY. TWIST HER ARM, AND SHE SAYS, "WHATEVER YOU LIKE, DEAR," "IT'S

TWIST HER ARM, AND SHE SAYS, "WHATEVER YOU LIKE, DEAR," "IT'S RIGHT WHERE YOU LEFT IT," AND,

"WHATEVER YOU LIKE, DEAR," "IT'S RIGHT WHERE YOU LEFT IT," AND, "NOT TONIGHT.

RIGHT WHERE YOU LEFT IT," AND, "NOT TONIGHT. I HAVE A HEADACHE."

"NOT TONIGHT. I HAVE A HEADACHE." FROM NEW ORLEANS COMES A STORY

I HAVE A HEADACHE." FROM NEW ORLEANS COMES A STORY THAT FORMER DISTRICT ATTORNEY

FROM NEW ORLEANS COMES A STORY THAT FORMER DISTRICT ATTORNEY JIM GARRISON HAS COME UP WITH

THAT FORMER DISTRICT ATTORNEY JIM GARRISON HAS COME UP WITH WHAT HE CALLS THE SECOND WARREN

JIM GARRISON HAS COME UP WITH WHAT HE CALLS THE SECOND WARREN REPORT THEORY.

WHAT HE CALLS THE SECOND WARREN REPORT THEORY. GARRISON MAINTAINS THAT THERE

REPORT THEORY. GARRISON MAINTAINS THAT THERE WERE ACTUALLY TWO WARREN

GARRISON MAINTAINS THAT THERE WERE ACTUALLY TWO WARREN COMMISSIONS INVOLVED IN THE

WERE ACTUALLY TWO WARREN COMMISSIONS INVOLVED IN THE REPORT, INDICATING AN

COMMISSIONS INVOLVED IN THE REPORT, INDICATING AN INVESTIGATIVE CONSPIRACY.

REPORT, INDICATING AN INVESTIGATIVE CONSPIRACY. AND FROM BATON ROUGE, LOUISIANA,

INVESTIGATIVE CONSPIRACY. AND FROM BATON ROUGE, LOUISIANA, THE BATON ROUGE DISTRICT

AND FROM BATON ROUGE, LOUISIANA, THE BATON ROUGE DISTRICT ATTORNEY MAINTAINS THAT THERE

THE BATON ROUGE DISTRICT ATTORNEY MAINTAINS THAT THERE ARE TWO JIM GARRISONS, CALLING

ATTORNEY MAINTAINS THAT THERE ARE TWO JIM GARRISONS, CALLING IT THE SECOND GARRISON THEORY.

ARE TWO JIM GARRISONS, CALLING IT THE SECOND GARRISON THEORY. MORE ON THESE FOUR STORIES

IT THE SECOND GARRISON THEORY. MORE ON THESE FOUR STORIES LATER.

MORE ON THESE FOUR STORIES LATER. A CORRECTION IN A STORY "UPDATE"

LATER. A CORRECTION IN A STORY "UPDATE" PRESENTED LAST WEEK, IN WHICH WE

A CORRECTION IN A STORY "UPDATE" PRESENTED LAST WEEK, IN WHICH WE REPORTED THAT GEORGE WALLACE

PRESENTED LAST WEEK, IN WHICH WE REPORTED THAT GEORGE WALLACE SAID IN A RECENT SPEECH, "I

REPORTED THAT GEORGE WALLACE SAID IN A RECENT SPEECH, "I DON'T JUDGE A MAN BY THE COLOR

SAID IN A RECENT SPEECH, "I DON'T JUDGE A MAN BY THE COLOR OF HIS SKIN.

DON'T JUDGE A MAN BY THE COLOR OF HIS SKIN. I JUDGE HIM ACCORDING TO HOW

OF HIS SKIN. I JUDGE HIM ACCORDING TO HOW WELL YOU CAN SEE HIM IN THE DARK

I JUDGE HIM ACCORDING TO HOW WELL YOU CAN SEE HIM IN THE DARK WHEN HE SMILES."

WELL YOU CAN SEE HIM IN THE DARK WHEN HE SMILES." APPARENTLY MR. WALLACE DID NOT

WHEN HE SMILES." APPARENTLY MR. WALLACE DID NOT SAY THAT.

APPARENTLY MR. WALLACE DID NOT SAY THAT. HE SAID, "I JUDGE HIM ACCORDING

SAY THAT. HE SAID, "I JUDGE HIM ACCORDING TO HOW WELL HE CAST FAST-DANCE."

HE SAID, "I JUDGE HIM ACCORDING TO HOW WELL HE CAST FAST-DANCE." RIGHT NOW LET'S GO TO OUR LIVE

TO HOW WELL HE CAST FAST-DANCE." RIGHT NOW LET'S GO TO OUR LIVE REMOTE IN TIMES SQUARE AND

RIGHT NOW LET'S GO TO OUR LIVE REMOTE IN TIMES SQUARE AND LARAINE NEWMAN.

REMOTE IN TIMES SQUARE AND LARAINE NEWMAN. LARAINE?

LARAINE NEWMAN. LARAINE? CHEVY, I'M STANDING IN

LARAINE? CHEVY, I'M STANDING IN BELOW-FREEZING TEMPERATURES HERE

CHEVY, I'M STANDING IN BELOW-FREEZING TEMPERATURES HERE IN TIMES SQUARE, WHERE IT IS

BELOW-FREEZING TEMPERATURES HERE IN TIMES SQUARE, WHERE IT IS UNCANNILY QUIET.

IN TIMES SQUARE, WHERE IT IS UNCANNILY QUIET. OF COURSE, AS IS THE TRADITION,

UNCANNILY QUIET. OF COURSE, AS IS THE TRADITION, THE GIANT BALL ATOP THE ALLIED

OF COURSE, AS IS THE TRADITION, THE GIANT BALL ATOP THE ALLIED CHEMICAL BUILDING SHOULD BEGIN

THE GIANT BALL ATOP THE ALLIED CHEMICAL BUILDING SHOULD BEGIN ITS SLOW DESCENT SOON TO RING

CHEMICAL BUILDING SHOULD BEGIN ITS SLOW DESCENT SOON TO RING OUT THE OLD, BRING IN THE NEW.

ITS SLOW DESCENT SOON TO RING OUT THE OLD, BRING IN THE NEW. AGAIN, INEXPLICABLY, RELATIVE

OUT THE OLD, BRING IN THE NEW. AGAIN, INEXPLICABLY, RELATIVE INACTIVITY HERE IN TIMES SQUARE.

AGAIN, INEXPLICABLY, RELATIVE INACTIVITY HERE IN TIMES SQUARE. CHEVY?

INACTIVITY HERE IN TIMES SQUARE. CHEVY? WHAT TIME DO YOU HAVE NOW

CHEVY? WHAT TIME DO YOU HAVE NOW THERE, LARAINE?

WHAT TIME DO YOU HAVE NOW THERE, LARAINE? I HAVE APPROXIMATELY 10

THERE, LARAINE? I HAVE APPROXIMATELY 10 MINUTES PAST 12:00.

I HAVE APPROXIMATELY 10 MINUTES PAST 12:00. WELL, NOW, WOULDN'T THE BALL

MINUTES PAST 12:00. WELL, NOW, WOULDN'T THE BALL NORMALLY DROP AROUND MIDNIGHT,

WELL, NOW, WOULDN'T THE BALL NORMALLY DROP AROUND MIDNIGHT, LARAINE?

NORMALLY DROP AROUND MIDNIGHT, LARAINE? YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT,

LARAINE? YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT, CHEVY.

YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT, CHEVY. THIS IS AN UNPRECEDENTED

CHEVY. THIS IS AN UNPRECEDENTED OCCURRENCE IN THE...

THIS IS AN UNPRECEDENTED OCCURRENCE IN THE... AND, LARAINE, WHAT'S THE DATE

OCCURRENCE IN THE... AND, LARAINE, WHAT'S THE DATE TODAY?

AND, LARAINE, WHAT'S THE DATE TODAY? DO YOU HAPPEN TO HAVE THE DATE?

TODAY? DO YOU HAPPEN TO HAVE THE DATE? CHEVY, IT'S DECEMBER 20th.

DO YOU HAPPEN TO HAVE THE DATE? CHEVY, IT'S DECEMBER 20th. LARAINE, ISN'T NEW YEAR'S EVE

CHEVY, IT'S DECEMBER 20th. LARAINE, ISN'T NEW YEAR'S EVE NORMALLY ON DECEMBER 31st?

LARAINE, ISN'T NEW YEAR'S EVE NORMALLY ON DECEMBER 31st? YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT,

NORMALLY ON DECEMBER 31st? YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT, CHEVY.

YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT, CHEVY. THEN I GUESS THAT WOULD

CHEVY. THEN I GUESS THAT WOULD PRETTY MUCH EXPLAIN IT, WOULDN'T

THEN I GUESS THAT WOULD PRETTY MUCH EXPLAIN IT, WOULDN'T IT?

PRETTY MUCH EXPLAIN IT, WOULDN'T IT? YES, I GUESS IT WOULD, CHEVY.

IT? YES, I GUESS IT WOULD, CHEVY. BACK TO YOU.

YES, I GUESS IT WOULD, CHEVY. BACK TO YOU. CORRESPONDENT LARAINE NEWMAN.

BACK TO YOU. CORRESPONDENT LARAINE NEWMAN. CHER BONO, ESTRANGED WIFE OF

CORRESPONDENT LARAINE NEWMAN. CHER BONO, ESTRANGED WIFE OF ROCK STAR GREGG ALLMAN, ONETIME

CHER BONO, ESTRANGED WIFE OF ROCK STAR GREGG ALLMAN, ONETIME WIFE OF SONNY BONO, AND ONCE

ROCK STAR GREGG ALLMAN, ONETIME WIFE OF SONNY BONO, AND ONCE MORE HIS TELEVISION COMEDY

WIFE OF SONNY BONO, AND ONCE MORE HIS TELEVISION COMEDY PARTNER, THOUGH STILL

MORE HIS TELEVISION COMEDY PARTNER, THOUGH STILL MRS. ALLMAN OFFICIALLY, IS

PARTNER, THOUGH STILL MRS. ALLMAN OFFICIALLY, IS PREGNANT.

MRS. ALLMAN OFFICIALLY, IS PREGNANT. CHER ALREADY HAS A DAUGHTER FROM

PREGNANT. CHER ALREADY HAS A DAUGHTER FROM HER FIRST MARRIAGE NAMED

CHER ALREADY HAS A DAUGHTER FROM HER FIRST MARRIAGE NAMED CHASTITY.

HER FIRST MARRIAGE NAMED CHASTITY. AND HER INTENDED NAME FOR HER

CHASTITY. AND HER INTENDED NAME FOR HER SECOND CHILD... PUBLICITY.

AND HER INTENDED NAME FOR HER SECOND CHILD... PUBLICITY. MASS SUICIDE IN THE SOUTHWEST.

SECOND CHILD... PUBLICITY. MASS SUICIDE IN THE SOUTHWEST. THOUSANDS ARE DEAD, AND IT'S NOT

MASS SUICIDE IN THE SOUTHWEST. THOUSANDS ARE DEAD, AND IT'S NOT OVER YET IN WHAT AUTHORITIES ARE

THOUSANDS ARE DEAD, AND IT'S NOT OVER YET IN WHAT AUTHORITIES ARE CALLING THE TEXAS CHAIN LETTER

OVER YET IN WHAT AUTHORITIES ARE CALLING THE TEXAS CHAIN LETTER MASSACRE.

CALLING THE TEXAS CHAIN LETTER MASSACRE. DISCOVERED WITH THE VICTIMS, A

MASSACRE. DISCOVERED WITH THE VICTIMS, A LETTER THAT READS, "DEAR

DISCOVERED WITH THE VICTIMS, A LETTER THAT READS, "DEAR OCCUPANT, SEND EIGHT COPIES OF

LETTER THAT READS, "DEAR OCCUPANT, SEND EIGHT COPIES OF THIS LETTER TO YOUR FRIENDS AND

OCCUPANT, SEND EIGHT COPIES OF THIS LETTER TO YOUR FRIENDS AND THEN KILL YOURSELF.

THIS LETTER TO YOUR FRIENDS AND THEN KILL YOURSELF. PLEASE DON'T BREAK THE CHAIN."

THEN KILL YOURSELF. PLEASE DON'T BREAK THE CHAIN." LISTED AMONG THE DEAD...

PLEASE DON'T BREAK THE CHAIN." LISTED AMONG THE DEAD... GENERAL WALSH OF THE

LISTED AMONG THE DEAD... GENERAL WALSH OF THE PHILIPPINES.

GENERAL WALSH OF THE PHILIPPINES. WELL, THE FIGHTING CONTINUES IN

PHILIPPINES. WELL, THE FIGHTING CONTINUES IN ANGOLA AS THE MAJOR POWERS VIE

WELL, THE FIGHTING CONTINUES IN ANGOLA AS THE MAJOR POWERS VIE FOR STRATEGIC TACTICAL POSITION

ANGOLA AS THE MAJOR POWERS VIE FOR STRATEGIC TACTICAL POSITION IN AND AROUND THAT NATION.

FOR STRATEGIC TACTICAL POSITION IN AND AROUND THAT NATION. "WEEKEND UPDATE" IS READY WITH

IN AND AROUND THAT NATION. "WEEKEND UPDATE" IS READY WITH ANOTHER LIVE REPORT VIA

"WEEKEND UPDATE" IS READY WITH ANOTHER LIVE REPORT VIA SATELLITE TRANSMISSION WITH

ANOTHER LIVE REPORT VIA SATELLITE TRANSMISSION WITH CORRESPONDENT MALCOLM McCUNE

SATELLITE TRANSMISSION WITH CORRESPONDENT MALCOLM McCUNE OVER A DIRECT TELEPHONE LINE

CORRESPONDENT MALCOLM McCUNE OVER A DIRECT TELEPHONE LINE NEWSROOM FEED FROM WAR-TORN

OVER A DIRECT TELEPHONE LINE NEWSROOM FEED FROM WAR-TORN LUANDA, ANGOLA.

NEWSROOM FEED FROM WAR-TORN LUANDA, ANGOLA. HELLO?

LUANDA, ANGOLA. HELLO? HELLO?

HELLO? HELLO? HELLO? ANGOLA?

HELLO? HELLO? ANGOLA? VERY HARD TO HEAR YOU.

HELLO? ANGOLA? VERY HARD TO HEAR YOU. ANGELO?

VERY HARD TO HEAR YOU. ANGELO? NO, WE'RE SUPPOSED TO HAVE A

ANGELO? NO, WE'RE SUPPOSED TO HAVE A DIRECT AUDIO AND VIDEO FEED FROM

NO, WE'RE SUPPOSED TO HAVE A DIRECT AUDIO AND VIDEO FEED FROM ANGOLA.

DIRECT AUDIO AND VIDEO FEED FROM ANGOLA. WELL, I'M SORRY TO BOTHER YOU.

ANGOLA. WELL, I'M SORRY TO BOTHER YOU. IT MUST BE THE WRONG NUMBER.

WELL, I'M SORRY TO BOTHER YOU. IT MUST BE THE WRONG NUMBER. MM-HMM. BYE.

IT MUST BE THE WRONG NUMBER. MM-HMM. BYE. WELL, WE HAD A LITTLE AUDIO

MM-HMM. BYE. WELL, WE HAD A LITTLE AUDIO PROBLEM THERE, AND WE'LL GET

WELL, WE HAD A LITTLE AUDIO PROBLEM THERE, AND WE'LL GET MORE ON THAT STORY LATER.

PROBLEM THERE, AND WE'LL GET MORE ON THAT STORY LATER. CONFUSION CONTINUES OVER THE

MORE ON THAT STORY LATER. CONFUSION CONTINUES OVER THE ANGOLAN SITUATION THROUGHOUT THE

CONFUSION CONTINUES OVER THE ANGOLAN SITUATION THROUGHOUT THE WORLD.

ANGOLAN SITUATION THROUGHOUT THE WORLD. THE JAPANESE PRIME MINISTER IS

WORLD. THE JAPANESE PRIME MINISTER IS SAID TO HAVE COMMENTED, "I

THE JAPANESE PRIME MINISTER IS SAID TO HAVE COMMENTED, "I ALWAYS THOUGHT ANGOLA WAS A

SAID TO HAVE COMMENTED, "I ALWAYS THOUGHT ANGOLA WAS A SWEATER."

ALWAYS THOUGHT ANGOLA WAS A SWEATER." OPPOSING PRESIDENT FORD'S

SWEATER." OPPOSING PRESIDENT FORD'S WISHES, THE SENATE VOTED TO CUT

OPPOSING PRESIDENT FORD'S WISHES, THE SENATE VOTED TO CUT OFF AID TO THE FACTIONS OPPOSED

WISHES, THE SENATE VOTED TO CUT OFF AID TO THE FACTIONS OPPOSED TO THE LIBERATION OF ANGOLA,

OFF AID TO THE FACTIONS OPPOSED TO THE LIBERATION OF ANGOLA, MAINTAINING THAT IT HAS COST THE

TO THE LIBERATION OF ANGOLA, MAINTAINING THAT IT HAS COST THE U.S. OVER $32 MILLION THIS YEAR

MAINTAINING THAT IT HAS COST THE U.S. OVER $32 MILLION THIS YEAR AND THAT THE SITUATION IS

U.S. OVER $32 MILLION THIS YEAR AND THAT THE SITUATION IS POTENTIALLY ANOTHER VIETNAM.

AND THAT THE SITUATION IS POTENTIALLY ANOTHER VIETNAM. FORD REPORTEDLY REACTED BY

POTENTIALLY ANOTHER VIETNAM. FORD REPORTEDLY REACTED BY SAYING, "WHAT'S WRONG WITH

FORD REPORTEDLY REACTED BY SAYING, "WHAT'S WRONG WITH ANOTHER VIETNAM?

SAYING, "WHAT'S WRONG WITH ANOTHER VIETNAM? WE SHOULD KEEP DOING IT UNTIL WE

ANOTHER VIETNAM? WE SHOULD KEEP DOING IT UNTIL WE GET IT RIGHT."

WE SHOULD KEEP DOING IT UNTIL WE GET IT RIGHT." WELL, THE YEAR IS ALMOST ON ITS

GET IT RIGHT." WELL, THE YEAR IS ALMOST ON ITS WAY OUT AS 1976 AND THE 200th

WELL, THE YEAR IS ALMOST ON ITS WAY OUT AS 1976 AND THE 200th ANNIVERSARY OF OUR NATION COMES

WAY OUT AS 1976 AND THE 200th ANNIVERSARY OF OUR NATION COMES OUR WAY.

ANNIVERSARY OF OUR NATION COMES OUR WAY. LET'S TAKE A BRIEF LOOK BACK AT

OUR WAY. LET'S TAKE A BRIEF LOOK BACK AT 1975, SHALL WE?

LET'S TAKE A BRIEF LOOK BACK AT 1975, SHALL WE? COMING UP NEXT, PRESIDENT FORD'S

1975, SHALL WE? COMING UP NEXT, PRESIDENT FORD'S MOTORCADE ROUTE THROUGH DENVER

COMING UP NEXT, PRESIDENT FORD'S MOTORCADE ROUTE THROUGH DENVER AFTER THIS MESSAGE.

Announcer: AND NOW HER SERENE

HIGHNESS, PRINCESS GRACE OF

MONACO, FOR NEW TARN-OFF.

HI, I'M PRINCESS GRACE FOR

TARN-OFF, ROVCO'S AMAZING NEW

TARNISH REMOVER.

THIS REVOLUTIONARY PRODUCT

CLEANS FAST AND EFFECTIVELY, AND

IT'S SAFE FOR EVERYTHING, EVEN

TARNISHED DIAMONDS.

WITH ONLY ONE DUNK...

NEW TARN-OFF EATS UP TARNISH, LEAVES YOUR CROWN SPARKLING. GETS DEEP DOWN BETWEEN ENCRUSTED

LEAVES YOUR CROWN SPARKLING. GETS DEEP DOWN BETWEEN ENCRUSTED JEWELS WITHOUT RUBBING.

GETS DEEP DOWN BETWEEN ENCRUSTED JEWELS WITHOUT RUBBING. ISN'T THAT AMAZING?

JEWELS WITHOUT RUBBING. ISN'T THAT AMAZING? AND TARN-OFF CLEANS A SCEPTER

ISN'T THAT AMAZING? AND TARN-OFF CLEANS A SCEPTER BEFORE YOU CAN SAY, "LET THEM

AND TARN-OFF CLEANS A SCEPTER BEFORE YOU CAN SAY, "LET THEM EAT CAKE."

BEFORE YOU CAN SAY, "LET THEM EAT CAKE." TARN-OFF IS IDEAL FOR FAMILY

EAT CAKE." TARN-OFF IS IDEAL FOR FAMILY HEIRLOOMS.

TARN-OFF IS IDEAL FOR FAMILY HEIRLOOMS. REMOVES GRIT, GRIME, AND GERMS

HEIRLOOMS. REMOVES GRIT, GRIME, AND GERMS FROM OTHER CENTURIES.

REMOVES GRIT, GRIME, AND GERMS FROM OTHER CENTURIES. Both: OH, LOOK HOW SHINY!

FROM OTHER CENTURIES. Both: OH, LOOK HOW SHINY! TRY IT.

Both: OH, LOOK HOW SHINY! TRY IT. TELL YOUR FRIENDS.

TRY IT. TELL YOUR FRIENDS. TARN-OFF IS USED IN VICE REGAL

TELL YOUR FRIENDS. TARN-OFF IS USED IN VICE REGAL HOMES ALL OVER EUROPE AND

TARN-OFF IS USED IN VICE REGAL HOMES ALL OVER EUROPE AND ASIA MINOR.

HOMES ALL OVER EUROPE AND ASIA MINOR. AND IF YOU ORDER NOW, I'LL SEND

ASIA MINOR. AND IF YOU ORDER NOW, I'LL SEND YOU THIS BOOKLET OF SPICY

AND IF YOU ORDER NOW, I'LL SEND YOU THIS BOOKLET OF SPICY MEDITERRANEAN RECIPES.

YOU THIS BOOKLET OF SPICY MEDITERRANEAN RECIPES. I DON'T RUB.

MEDITERRANEAN RECIPES. I DON'T RUB. I DON'T SCRUB.

I DON'T RUB. I DON'T SCRUB. I DON'T EVEN WIPE WITH ROVCO'S

I DON'T SCRUB. I DON'T EVEN WIPE WITH ROVCO'S NEW TARN-OFF.

RECOGNIZING OUR OBLIGATION TO PRESENT RESPONSIBLE OPPOSING VIEWPOINTS TO OUR OPINIONS,

PRESENT RESPONSIBLE OPPOSING VIEWPOINTS TO OUR OPINIONS, "WEEKEND UPDATE" INVITES

VIEWPOINTS TO OUR OPINIONS, "WEEKEND UPDATE" INVITES EMILY LITELLA TO REPLY TO AN

"WEEKEND UPDATE" INVITES EMILY LITELLA TO REPLY TO AN EDITORIAL.

EMILY LITELLA TO REPLY TO AN EDITORIAL. WHAT IS ALL THIS I HEAR ABOUT

EDITORIAL. WHAT IS ALL THIS I HEAR ABOUT FIRING THE HANDICAPPED?

IT'S A DIRTY, FILTHY IDEA...

FIRING THE HANDICAPPED,

ESPECIALLY AT CHRISTMASTIME,

WHEN THERE'S SO MUCH MORE

OPPORTUNITY FOR THE HANDICAPPED

TO FIND EMPLOYMENT, LIKE LICKING

STAMPS AND ENVELOPES AND PUTTING

THE OUTFITS ON BARBIE DOLLS AND

PUTTING IN THE LITTLE RECORDED

MESSAGES IN CHATTY CATHYS AND

POSING FOR CHRISTMAS SEAL PHOTOS

AND PLAYING SANTA CLAUS, SITTING

DOWN IN LARGE DEPARTMENT STORES.

THE HOLIDAY SEASON IS THE TIME

WHEN THE HANDICAPPED NEED MONEY

TO BUY CHRISTMAS DINNER FOR

THEIR FAMILIES.

WHY, THEY'LL HAVE TO BUY CHEAP, UNPLUCKED, FROZEN TURKEYS, AND THEY'LL HURT THEMSELVES TRYING

UNPLUCKED, FROZEN TURKEYS, AND THEY'LL HURT THEMSELVES TRYING TO PULL THE FEATHERS OUT.

THEY'LL HURT THEMSELVES TRYING TO PULL THE FEATHERS OUT. AND THEY'LL FREEZE THEIR LAPS

TO PULL THE FEATHERS OUT. AND THEY'LL FREEZE THEIR LAPS OFF.

AND THEY'LL FREEZE THEIR LAPS OFF. WHY, THEY'LL END UP HAVING TO

OFF. WHY, THEY'LL END UP HAVING TO EAT TOAST, AND WHOEVER HEARD OF

WHY, THEY'LL END UP HAVING TO EAT TOAST, AND WHOEVER HEARD OF CHRISTMAS TOAST?

EAT TOAST, AND WHOEVER HEARD OF CHRISTMAS TOAST? MISS LITELLA?

CHRISTMAS TOAST? MISS LITELLA? MISS LITELLA?

MISS LITELLA? MISS LITELLA? IT'S "HIRE" THE HANDICAPPED, NOT

MISS LITELLA? IT'S "HIRE" THE HANDICAPPED, NOT "FIRE"... "HIRE" THE

IT'S "HIRE" THE HANDICAPPED, NOT "FIRE"... "HIRE" THE HANDICAPPED.

"FIRE"... "HIRE" THE HANDICAPPED. THE EDITORIAL WAS ABOUT HIRING

HANDICAPPED. THE EDITORIAL WAS ABOUT HIRING THE HANDICAPPED.

THE EDITORIAL WAS ABOUT HIRING THE HANDICAPPED. OH.

THE HANDICAPPED. OH. WELL, THAT'S LOVELY.

OH. WELL, THAT'S LOVELY. NEVER MIND.

WELL, THAT'S LOVELY. NEVER MIND. AND NOW, AS A PUBLIC SERVICE

NEVER MIND. AND NOW, AS A PUBLIC SERVICE TO THOSE OF OUR VIEWERS WHO HAVE

AND NOW, AS A PUBLIC SERVICE TO THOSE OF OUR VIEWERS WHO HAVE DIFFICULTY WITH THEIR HEARING, I

TO THOSE OF OUR VIEWERS WHO HAVE DIFFICULTY WITH THEIR HEARING, I WILL REPEAT THE TOP STORY OF THE

DIFFICULTY WITH THEIR HEARING, I WILL REPEAT THE TOP STORY OF THE DAY, AIDED BY THE HEADMASTER OF

WILL REPEAT THE TOP STORY OF THE DAY, AIDED BY THE HEADMASTER OF THE NEW YORK SCHOOL FOR THE HARD

DAY, AIDED BY THE HEADMASTER OF THE NEW YORK SCHOOL FOR THE HARD OF HEARING, MR. GARRETT MORRIS.

THE NEW YORK SCHOOL FOR THE HARD OF HEARING, MR. GARRETT MORRIS. OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT...

OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT... A

HARRIS POLL HAS REVEALED THAT

HUMPHREY IS AHEAD OF BOTH FORD

AND REAGAN.

GOOD NIGHT AND...

GOOD NIGHT AND HAVE A

PLEASANT TOMORROW!

[WASHING MACHINES WHIRRING]

[ELECTRONIC BEEPING] TOMMY, DID YOU SEE THAT? TOMMY, CAN YOU HEAR ME?

TOMMY, DID YOU SEE THAT? TOMMY, CAN YOU HEAR ME? [THE WHO'S "PINBALL WIZARD"

TOMMY, CAN YOU HEAR ME? [THE WHO'S "PINBALL WIZARD" PLAYING]

[THE WHO'S "PINBALL WIZARD" PLAYING] TOMMY, CAN YOU SEE ME?

[PLAYING] TOMMY, CAN YOU SEE ME? HEY, TOMMY, CAN YOU SEE THE

TOMMY, CAN YOU SEE ME? HEY, TOMMY, CAN YOU SEE THE MOVING DOT?

HEY, TOMMY, CAN YOU SEE THE MOVING DOT? YOU KNOW, YOU MAY BE A PINBALL

MOVING DOT? YOU KNOW, YOU MAY BE A PINBALL WIZARD, BUT YOUR PONG SURE

YOU KNOW, YOU MAY BE A PINBALL WIZARD, BUT YOUR PONG SURE STINKS.

♪ GOOD KING PLOOBIS ONCE LOOKED OUT ♪ ♪ AND ALL HE SAW WAS... PEUTA ♪

LOOKED OUT ♪ ♪ AND ALL HE SAW WAS... PEUTA ♪ AH, IS THAT A MIRAGE OF BEAUTY

♪ AND ALL HE SAW WAS... PEUTA ♪ AH, IS THAT A MIRAGE OF BEAUTY BEFORE ME, OR IS IT

AH, IS THAT A MIRAGE OF BEAUTY BEFORE ME, OR IS IT SOPHIA LOREN?

BEFORE ME, OR IS IT SOPHIA LOREN? NO, IT'S PEUTA.

SOPHIA LOREN? NO, IT'S PEUTA. OH, THANK YOU, DARLING.

NO, IT'S PEUTA. OH, THANK YOU, DARLING. BUT ISN'T EVERYTHING BEAUTIFUL?

OH, THANK YOU, DARLING. BUT ISN'T EVERYTHING BEAUTIFUL? HMM.

BUT ISN'T EVERYTHING BEAUTIFUL? HMM. OH, THIS PARTY WILL BE

HMM. OH, THIS PARTY WILL BE WRITTEN UP IN PEOPLE MAGAZINE!

OH, THIS PARTY WILL BE WRITTEN UP IN PEOPLE MAGAZINE! WELL, IT SHOULD BE.

WRITTEN UP IN PEOPLE MAGAZINE! WELL, IT SHOULD BE. WE INVITED THE WHOLE SHOW.

WELL, IT SHOULD BE. WE INVITED THE WHOLE SHOW. YES, THAT'S TRUE.

WE INVITED THE WHOLE SHOW. YES, THAT'S TRUE. DO YOU THINK WE'LL HAVE ENOUGH

YES, THAT'S TRUE. DO YOU THINK WE'LL HAVE ENOUGH FOOD?

DO YOU THINK WE'LL HAVE ENOUGH FOOD? WELL, LET'S SEE.

FOOD? WELL, LET'S SEE. HI, OH, SURE, THERE'S LOTS OF

WELL, LET'S SEE. HI, OH, SURE, THERE'S LOTS OF ME.

HI, OH, SURE, THERE'S LOTS OF ME. I'M FOOD!

ME. I'M FOOD! EAT ME, TASTE ME, BITE ME.

I'M FOOD! EAT ME, TASTE ME, BITE ME. I LOVE IT!

EAT ME, TASTE ME, BITE ME. I LOVE IT! WELL, SINCE THE DINNER HAS

I LOVE IT! WELL, SINCE THE DINNER HAS BEEN UNFORTUITOUSLY DELAYED, I

WELL, SINCE THE DINNER HAS BEEN UNFORTUITOUSLY DELAYED, I MIGHT AS WELL.

BEEN UNFORTUITOUSLY DELAYED, I MIGHT AS WELL. GOOD, EAT ME, EAT ME!

MIGHT AS WELL. GOOD, EAT ME, EAT ME! I AM WHAT YOU EAT!

GOOD, EAT ME, EAT ME! I AM WHAT YOU EAT! JUICY BACK HERE, SPICY DOWN

I AM WHAT YOU EAT! JUICY BACK HERE, SPICY DOWN HERE.

JUICY BACK HERE, SPICY DOWN HERE. I AM A BANQUET.

HERE. I AM A BANQUET. DELICIOUS, DELICIOUS!

I AM A BANQUET. DELICIOUS, DELICIOUS! YES, I HOPE THE GUESTS HURRY.

DELICIOUS, DELICIOUS! YES, I HOPE THE GUESTS HURRY. IF I'M NOT FRESH, I'M OUT OF

YES, I HOPE THE GUESTS HURRY. IF I'M NOT FRESH, I'M OUT OF BUSINESS.

IF I'M NOT FRESH, I'M OUT OF BUSINESS. [DOORBELL RINGS]

BUSINESS. [DOORBELL RINGS] [GROWLS]

[DOORBELL RINGS] [GROWLS] HMM, I DO BELIEVE I HEAR THE

[GROWLS] HMM, I DO BELIEVE I HEAR THE FIRST GUESTS ARRIVING.

HMM, I DO BELIEVE I HEAR THE FIRST GUESTS ARRIVING. OH!

FIRST GUESTS ARRIVING. OH! AND WHOEVER IT IS, I CAN'T

OH! AND WHOEVER IT IS, I CAN'T WAIT TO GET 'EM UNDER THE

AND WHOEVER IT IS, I CAN'T WAIT TO GET 'EM UNDER THE MISTLETOE.

WAIT TO GET 'EM UNDER THE MISTLETOE. OH! UGH.

MISTLETOE. OH! UGH. EVENING, SCRED.

OH! UGH. EVENING, SCRED. UH, YEAH.

EVENING, SCRED. UH, YEAH. NICE TO SEE YOU, PLOOBIS.

UH, YEAH. NICE TO SEE YOU, PLOOBIS. YES, YOU'RE LOOKING WONDERFUL

NICE TO SEE YOU, PLOOBIS. YES, YOU'RE LOOKING WONDERFUL TONIGHT.

YES, YOU'RE LOOKING WONDERFUL TONIGHT. AND I'M UNDER THE MISTLETOE.

TONIGHT. AND I'M UNDER THE MISTLETOE. UH, YOU'RE NOT LOOKING THAT

AND I'M UNDER THE MISTLETOE. UH, YOU'RE NOT LOOKING THAT WONDERFUL, SCRED.

UH, YOU'RE NOT LOOKING THAT WONDERFUL, SCRED. TELL ME, SCRED, WHERE IS

WONDERFUL, SCRED. TELL ME, SCRED, WHERE IS EVERYBODY TONIGHT?

TELL ME, SCRED, WHERE IS EVERYBODY TONIGHT? OH, THEY'RE ALL OVER AT THE

EVERYBODY TONIGHT? OH, THEY'RE ALL OVER AT THE BEES' CHRISTMAS PARTY!

OH, THEY'RE ALL OVER AT THE BEES' CHRISTMAS PARTY! THE BEES' CHRISTMAS PARTY?

BEES' CHRISTMAS PARTY! THE BEES' CHRISTMAS PARTY? THEY'RE HAVING A BIG BEE BASH?

THE BEES' CHRISTMAS PARTY? THEY'RE HAVING A BIG BEE BASH? YEAH.

THEY'RE HAVING A BIG BEE BASH? YEAH. OH.

YEAH. OH. I WONDER WHY THEY DIDN'T INVITE

OH. I WONDER WHY THEY DIDN'T INVITE US.

I WONDER WHY THEY DIDN'T INVITE US. WELL, THAT MIGHT BE MY FAULT.

US. WELL, THAT MIGHT BE MY FAULT. YOU SEE, LAST WEEK I OVERHEARD

WELL, THAT MIGHT BE MY FAULT. YOU SEE, LAST WEEK I OVERHEARD ONE OF THE BEES COMMENT THAT YOU

YOU SEE, LAST WEEK I OVERHEARD ONE OF THE BEES COMMENT THAT YOU LOOK LIKE A FACTORY OUTLET FOR

ONE OF THE BEES COMMENT THAT YOU LOOK LIKE A FACTORY OUTLET FOR GREEN WASHCLOTHS.

LOOK LIKE A FACTORY OUTLET FOR GREEN WASHCLOTHS. THE NERVE!

GREEN WASHCLOTHS. THE NERVE! YEAH, SO I TOLD HIM, I SAID,

THE NERVE! YEAH, SO I TOLD HIM, I SAID, "AHH! YOU EAT YOUR YOUNG!"

YEAH, SO I TOLD HIM, I SAID, "AHH! YOU EAT YOUR YOUNG!" HEH HEH HEH.

"AHH! YOU EAT YOUR YOUNG!" HEH HEH HEH. YOU GOT A NIMBLE TONGUE,

HEH HEH HEH. YOU GOT A NIMBLE TONGUE, SCRED.

YOU GOT A NIMBLE TONGUE, SCRED. YEAH.

SCRED. YEAH. BUT THEN HE SAID, "WELL, I'D

YEAH. BUT THEN HE SAID, "WELL, I'D RATHER SHAVE MY LEGS THAN GO TO

BUT THEN HE SAID, "WELL, I'D RATHER SHAVE MY LEGS THAN GO TO YOUR PARTY!"

RATHER SHAVE MY LEGS THAN GO TO YOUR PARTY!" SO I GUESS THAT'S WHEN HE MADE

YOUR PARTY!" SO I GUESS THAT'S WHEN HE MADE UP HIS MIND TO HAVE HIS OWN

SO I GUESS THAT'S WHEN HE MADE UP HIS MIND TO HAVE HIS OWN PARTY.

UP HIS MIND TO HAVE HIS OWN PARTY. WELL, IT WON'T BE NEARLY AS

PARTY. WELL, IT WON'T BE NEARLY AS MUCH FUN AS OURS.

WELL, IT WON'T BE NEARLY AS MUCH FUN AS OURS. YEAH.

MUCH FUN AS OURS. YEAH. IT'LL SURE TEACH HIM TO MIND HIS

YEAH. IT'LL SURE TEACH HIM TO MIND HIS OWN BEESWAX, ANYWAY.

IT'LL SURE TEACH HIM TO MIND HIS OWN BEESWAX, ANYWAY. [DOORBELL RINGS]

OWN BEESWAX, ANYWAY. [DOORBELL RINGS] OH! WHO'S THIS?

[DOORBELL RINGS] OH! WHO'S THIS? GOOD PARTY, WASN'T IT?

OH! WHO'S THIS? GOOD PARTY, WASN'T IT? HELLO, HELLO.

GOOD PARTY, WASN'T IT? HELLO, HELLO. THE FUNNIEST THING JUST HAPPENED

HELLO, HELLO. THE FUNNIEST THING JUST HAPPENED AT THE BEES'.

THE FUNNIEST THING JUST HAPPENED AT THE BEES'. SOMEBODY STARTED PLAYING "FLIGHT

AT THE BEES'. SOMEBODY STARTED PLAYING "FLIGHT OF THE BUMBLEBEE," AND THEN THEY

SOMEBODY STARTED PLAYING "FLIGHT OF THE BUMBLEBEE," AND THEN THEY ALL STARTED FLYING AROUND THE

OF THE BUMBLEBEE," AND THEN THEY ALL STARTED FLYING AROUND THE ROOM WITH LAMPSHADES ON THEIR

ALL STARTED FLYING AROUND THE ROOM WITH LAMPSHADES ON THEIR HEADS!

ROOM WITH LAMPSHADES ON THEIR HEADS! [BOTH LAUGH]

HEADS! [BOTH LAUGH] WASN'T THAT A RIOT?

[BOTH LAUGH] WASN'T THAT A RIOT? IT WAS TOO MUCH.

WASN'T THAT A RIOT? IT WAS TOO MUCH. HMM.

IT WAS TOO MUCH. HMM. WELL, THIS PARTY CERTAINLY IS

HMM. WELL, THIS PARTY CERTAINLY IS THE PITS.

WELL, THIS PARTY CERTAINLY IS THE PITS. HEY, LET'S GO BACK TO THE BEES'.

THE PITS. HEY, LET'S GO BACK TO THE BEES'. YEAH, ANYWAY, THEY'RE ABOUT

HEY, LET'S GO BACK TO THE BEES'. YEAH, ANYWAY, THEY'RE ABOUT TO SHOW "THE STING."

YEAH, ANYWAY, THEY'RE ABOUT TO SHOW "THE STING." RIGHT.

TO SHOW "THE STING." RIGHT. CATCH YA LATER.

RIGHT. CATCH YA LATER. COME ON, HONEY!

CATCH YA LATER. COME ON, HONEY! BYE.

COME ON, HONEY! BYE. YEAH.

BYE. YEAH. WELL.

YEAH. WELL. WELL...

WELL. WELL... I JUST REMEMBERED A GREAT PARTY

WELL... I JUST REMEMBERED A GREAT PARTY I COULD PROBABLY GET INTO IF I

I JUST REMEMBERED A GREAT PARTY I COULD PROBABLY GET INTO IF I GO STAG.

I COULD PROBABLY GET INTO IF I GO STAG. BESIDES, I'VE NEVER SEEN

GO STAG. BESIDES, I'VE NEVER SEEN "THE STING."

BESIDES, I'VE NEVER SEEN "THE STING." HAVE FUN.

"THE STING." HAVE FUN. WELL, SCRED, IT LOOKS LIKE

HAVE FUN. WELL, SCRED, IT LOOKS LIKE IT'S JUST YOU AND ME.

WELL, SCRED, IT LOOKS LIKE IT'S JUST YOU AND ME. WELL, MERRY CHRISTMAS, BOSS.

IT'S JUST YOU AND ME. WELL, MERRY CHRISTMAS, BOSS. HI, EVERYBODY!

WELL, MERRY CHRISTMAS, BOSS. HI, EVERYBODY! OH, CANDY!

HI, EVERYBODY! OH, CANDY! AM I TOO LATE FOR THE PARTY?

OH, CANDY! AM I TOO LATE FOR THE PARTY? OH, NOT AT ALL.

AM I TOO LATE FOR THE PARTY? OH, NOT AT ALL. WHY, SINCE YOU GOT HERE, THE

OH, NOT AT ALL. WHY, SINCE YOU GOT HERE, THE FUN'S JUST BEGUN.

WHY, SINCE YOU GOT HERE, THE FUN'S JUST BEGUN. WHERE IS EVERYBODY?

FUN'S JUST BEGUN. WHERE IS EVERYBODY? OH, WELL, UH, THEY, UH...

WHERE IS EVERYBODY? OH, WELL, UH, THEY, UH... YEAH, WELL, THEY'RE

OH, WELL, UH, THEY, UH... YEAH, WELL, THEY'RE SOCIALIZING WITH INSECTS.

YEAH, WELL, THEY'RE SOCIALIZING WITH INSECTS. OH, AT THE BEES'.

SOCIALIZING WITH INSECTS. OH, AT THE BEES'. I WAS JUST THERE.

OH, AT THE BEES'. I WAS JUST THERE. IT'S A TERRIFIC PARTY.

I WAS JUST THERE. IT'S A TERRIFIC PARTY. HMM.

IT'S A TERRIFIC PARTY. HMM. GREAT.

HMM. GREAT. LISTEN, I THINK THIS IS

GREAT. LISTEN, I THINK THIS IS WONDERFUL.

LISTEN, I THINK THIS IS WONDERFUL. I MEAN, I LOVE INTIMATE

WONDERFUL. I MEAN, I LOVE INTIMATE PARTIES... OF THREE.

I MEAN, I LOVE INTIMATE PARTIES... OF THREE. [SIGHS]

PARTIES... OF THREE. [SIGHS] COME ON, YOU GUYS.

[SIGHS] COME ON, YOU GUYS. ♪ HAVE YOURSELVES A MERRY LITTLE

COME ON, YOU GUYS. ♪ HAVE YOURSELVES A MERRY LITTLE CHRISTMAS ♪

♪ HAVE YOURSELVES A MERRY LITTLE CHRISTMAS ♪ ♪ LET YOUR HEART BE LIGHT ♪

CHRISTMAS ♪ ♪ LET YOUR HEART BE LIGHT ♪ ♪ NEXT YEAR ALL YOUR TROUBLES

♪ LET YOUR HEART BE LIGHT ♪ ♪ NEXT YEAR ALL YOUR TROUBLES WILL BE OUT OF SIGHT ♪

♪ NEXT YEAR ALL YOUR TROUBLES WILL BE OUT OF SIGHT ♪ ♪ HAVE YOURSELF A MERRY LITTLE

WILL BE OUT OF SIGHT ♪ ♪ HAVE YOURSELF A MERRY LITTLE CHRISTMAS ♪

♪ HAVE YOURSELF A MERRY LITTLE CHRISTMAS ♪ ♪ IF THE FATES ALLOW ♪

CHRISTMAS ♪ ♪ IF THE FATES ALLOW ♪ ♪ HANG A SHINING STAR UPON THE

♪ IF THE FATES ALLOW ♪ ♪ HANG A SHINING STAR UPON THE HIGHEST BOUGH ♪

♪ HANG A SHINING STAR UPON THE HIGHEST BOUGH ♪ ♪ AND HAVE YOURSELF ♪

HIGHEST BOUGH ♪ ♪ AND HAVE YOURSELF ♪ ♪ A MERRY LITTLE CHRISTMAS ♪

♪ AND HAVE YOURSELF ♪ ♪ A MERRY LITTLE CHRISTMAS ♪ ♪ NOW ♪

♪ A MERRY LITTLE CHRISTMAS ♪ ♪ NOW ♪ OH, CANDY, UM, UH...

♪ NOW ♪ OH, CANDY, UM, UH... WHAT ARE YOU DOING LATER?

OH, CANDY, UM, UH... WHAT ARE YOU DOING LATER? WHY?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING LATER? WHY? LET'S DITCH THAT GUY AND GO

WHY? LET'S DITCH THAT GUY AND GO TO THE BEES' PARTY.

MOMS, DADS, KIDS, AUNTS, UNCLES, YOU CUT YOUR OWN STEAKS! YOU FIND YOUR OWN COW!

UNCLES, YOU CUT YOUR OWN STEAKS! YOU FIND YOUR OWN COW! YOU STUN IT!

YOU FIND YOUR OWN COW! YOU STUN IT! YOU DRAG IT!

YOU STUN IT! YOU DRAG IT! YOU CUT IT!

YOU DRAG IT! YOU CUT IT! MEL'S SAWS ARE LIGHT!

YOU CUT IT! MEL'S SAWS ARE LIGHT! THIS LITTLE LADY IS MRS. MEL!

MEL'S SAWS ARE LIGHT! THIS LITTLE LADY IS MRS. MEL! SHE DOES IT!

THIS LITTLE LADY IS MRS. MEL! SHE DOES IT! [CHAIN SAW BUZZES]

YOU CUT YOUR OWN STEAKS, ROASTS,

AND RUMPS ANY WAY YOU WANT 'EM

'CAUSE YOU DO THE CUTTING!

YOU CUT!

YOU BROIL!

MEL'S CHAR PALACE... ROUTE 15,

PARAMUS!

[INTRODUCTION TO "WINTER WONDERLAND" PLAYS] ♪ SLEIGH BELLS RING ♪

["WINTER WONDERLAND" PLAYS] ♪ SLEIGH BELLS RING ♪ ♪ ARE YOU LISTENIN'? ♪

♪ SLEIGH BELLS RING ♪ ♪ ARE YOU LISTENIN'? ♪ ♪ IN THE LANE ♪

♪ ARE YOU LISTENIN'? ♪ ♪ IN THE LANE ♪ ♪ SNOW IS GLISTENIN' ♪

♪ IN THE LANE ♪ ♪ SNOW IS GLISTENIN' ♪ ♪ A BEAUTIFUL SIGHT ♪

♪ SNOW IS GLISTENIN' ♪ ♪ A BEAUTIFUL SIGHT ♪ ♪ WE'RE HAPPY TONIGHT ♪

♪ A BEAUTIFUL SIGHT ♪ ♪ WE'RE HAPPY TONIGHT ♪ ♪ WALKING IN A WINTER

♪ WE'RE HAPPY TONIGHT ♪ ♪ WALKING IN A WINTER WONDERLAND ♪

♪ WALKING IN A WINTER WONDERLAND ♪ ♪ GONE AWAY IS THE BLUEBIRD ♪

WONDERLAND ♪ ♪ GONE AWAY IS THE BLUEBIRD ♪ ♪ HERE TO STAY IS A NEW BIRD ♪

♪ GONE AWAY IS THE BLUEBIRD ♪ ♪ HERE TO STAY IS A NEW BIRD ♪ ♪ HE SINGS A LOVE SONG ♪

♪ HERE TO STAY IS A NEW BIRD ♪ ♪ HE SINGS A LOVE SONG ♪ ♪ AS WE GO ALONG ♪

♪ HE SINGS A LOVE SONG ♪ ♪ AS WE GO ALONG ♪ ♪ WALKING IN A WINTER

♪ AS WE GO ALONG ♪ ♪ WALKING IN A WINTER WONDERLAND ♪

♪ WALKING IN A WINTER WONDERLAND ♪ ♪ IN THE MEADOW WE CAN BUILD

WONDERLAND ♪ ♪ IN THE MEADOW WE CAN BUILD A SNOWMAN ♪

♪ IN THE MEADOW WE CAN BUILD A SNOWMAN ♪ ♪ AND PRETEND THAT HE IS

A SNOWMAN ♪ ♪ AND PRETEND THAT HE IS PARSON BROWN ♪

♪ AND PRETEND THAT HE IS PARSON BROWN ♪ ♪ HE'LL SAY, "ARE YOU

PARSON BROWN ♪ ♪ HE'LL SAY, "ARE YOU MARRIED?" ♪

♪ HE'LL SAY, "ARE YOU MARRIED?" ♪ ♪ WE'LL SAY, "NO, MAN ♪

MARRIED?" ♪ ♪ WE'LL SAY, "NO, MAN ♪ ♪ BUT YOU CAN DO THE JOB WHEN

♪ WE'LL SAY, "NO, MAN ♪ ♪ BUT YOU CAN DO THE JOB WHEN YOU'RE IN TOWN" ♪

♪ BUT YOU CAN DO THE JOB WHEN YOU'RE IN TOWN" ♪ ♪ LATER ON, WE'LL CONSPIRE ♪

YOU'RE IN TOWN" ♪ ♪ LATER ON, WE'LL CONSPIRE ♪ ♪ AS WE DREAM BY THE FIRE ♪

♪ LATER ON, WE'LL CONSPIRE ♪ ♪ AS WE DREAM BY THE FIRE ♪ ♪ TO FACE UNAFRAID ♪

♪ AS WE DREAM BY THE FIRE ♪ ♪ TO FACE UNAFRAID ♪ ♪ THE PLANS THAT WE'VE MADE ♪

♪ TO FACE UNAFRAID ♪ ♪ THE PLANS THAT WE'VE MADE ♪ ♪ WALKING IN A WINTER

♪ THE PLANS THAT WE'VE MADE ♪ ♪ WALKING IN A WINTER WONDERLAND ♪

♪ IN THE MEADOW WE CAN BUILD A SNOWMAN ♪ ♪ THEN PRETEND THAT HE IS

A SNOWMAN ♪ ♪ THEN PRETEND THAT HE IS PARSON BROWN ♪

♪ THEN PRETEND THAT HE IS PARSON BROWN ♪ ♪ HE'LL SAY, "ARE YOU

PARSON BROWN ♪ ♪ HE'LL SAY, "ARE YOU MARRIED?" ♪

♪ HE'LL SAY, "ARE YOU MARRIED?" ♪ ♪ WE'LL SAY, "NO, MAN ♪

MARRIED?" ♪ ♪ WE'LL SAY, "NO, MAN ♪ ♪ BUT YOU CAN DO THE JOB WHEN

♪ WE'LL SAY, "NO, MAN ♪ ♪ BUT YOU CAN DO THE JOB WHEN YOU'RE IN TOWN" ♪

♪ BUT YOU CAN DO THE JOB WHEN YOU'RE IN TOWN" ♪ ♪ LATER ON, WE'LL CONSPIRE ♪

YOU'RE IN TOWN" ♪ ♪ LATER ON, WE'LL CONSPIRE ♪ ♪ AS WE DREAM BY THE FIRE ♪

♪ LATER ON, WE'LL CONSPIRE ♪ ♪ AS WE DREAM BY THE FIRE ♪ ♪ TO FACE UNAFRAID ♪

♪ AS WE DREAM BY THE FIRE ♪ ♪ TO FACE UNAFRAID ♪ ♪ THE PLANS THAT WE'VE MADE ♪

♪ TO FACE UNAFRAID ♪ ♪ THE PLANS THAT WE'VE MADE ♪ ♪ WALKING IN A WINTER

♪ THE PLANS THAT WE'VE MADE ♪ ♪ WALKING IN A WINTER WONDERLAND ♪

♪ WALKING IN A WINTER WONDERLAND ♪ ♪ WALKING IN A WINTER

WONDERLAND ♪ ♪ WALKING IN A WINTER WONDERLAND ♪

♪ WALKING IN A WINTER WONDERLAND ♪ ♪ WALKING IN A WINTER

WONDERLAND ♪ ♪ WALKING IN A WINTER WONDERLAND ♪

♪ WALKING IN A WINTER WONDERLAND ♪ [MUSIC CONCLUDES]

WONDERLAND ♪ [MUSIC CONCLUDES] [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

Announcer: ONLY THE DON PARDO DIGITAL GIFT CATALOGUE OFFERS DIGITAL MOOD RINGS.

DIGITAL GIFT CATALOGUE OFFERS DIGITAL MOOD RINGS. CLEAR, BRIGHT READOUT TELLS YOU

DIGITAL MOOD RINGS. CLEAR, BRIGHT READOUT TELLS YOU TIME, DATE, AND WHAT MOOD YOU'RE

CLEAR, BRIGHT READOUT TELLS YOU TIME, DATE, AND WHAT MOOD YOU'RE IN.

TIME, DATE, AND WHAT MOOD YOU'RE IN. $59.95 AT ALL OUTLETS.

MIKE MENDOZA, CRIME

PHOTOGRAPHER, CHALLENGES YOU TO

SOLVE ANOTHER ACTUAL CASE

HISTORY FROM THE FILES OF THE

MEXICO CITY POLICE ON TONIGHT'S

EPISODE OF...

[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS] GOOD. GOT IT. SEE YOU TOMORROW ON THE FRONT

GOOD. GOT IT. SEE YOU TOMORROW ON THE FRONT PAGE OF THE MEXICO CITY

SEE YOU TOMORROW ON THE FRONT PAGE OF THE MEXICO CITY GLOBE-DISPATCH.

PAGE OF THE MEXICO CITY GLOBE-DISPATCH. HEY. WAIT A MINUTE.

GLOBE-DISPATCH. HEY. WAIT A MINUTE. WHO ARE YOU?

HEY. WAIT A MINUTE. WHO ARE YOU? WANT TO PLAY "TRAP THE CLAM"?

WHO ARE YOU? WANT TO PLAY "TRAP THE CLAM"? I'LL ASK THE QUESTIONS AROUND

WANT TO PLAY "TRAP THE CLAM"? I'LL ASK THE QUESTIONS AROUND HERE, MIKE.

I'LL ASK THE QUESTIONS AROUND HERE, MIKE. WHO ARE YOU?

HERE, MIKE. WHO ARE YOU? WINONA FOXFIRE, THE VICTIM'S

WHO ARE YOU? WINONA FOXFIRE, THE VICTIM'S CONFIDENTIAL SECRETARY.

WINONA FOXFIRE, THE VICTIM'S CONFIDENTIAL SECRETARY. DO YOU WANT TO PLAY "TRAP THE

CONFIDENTIAL SECRETARY. DO YOU WANT TO PLAY "TRAP THE CLAM"?

DO YOU WANT TO PLAY "TRAP THE CLAM"? NO.

CLAM"? NO. WHERE WERE YOU FIVE MINUTES

NO. WHERE WERE YOU FIVE MINUTES AGO?

WHERE WERE YOU FIVE MINUTES AGO? ATTENDING A LECTURE ON

AGO? ATTENDING A LECTURE ON CHLORINE.

ATTENDING A LECTURE ON CHLORINE. WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE COLOR?

CHLORINE. WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE COLOR? SHELL PINK.

WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE COLOR? SHELL PINK. WHAT'S YOUR SECOND FAVORITE

SHELL PINK. WHAT'S YOUR SECOND FAVORITE COLOR?

WHAT'S YOUR SECOND FAVORITE COLOR? ROBIN'S-EGG BLUE.

COLOR? ROBIN'S-EGG BLUE. WHAT'S YOUR PET PEEVE?

ROBIN'S-EGG BLUE. WHAT'S YOUR PET PEEVE? I CAN'T STAND A MAN WHO

WHAT'S YOUR PET PEEVE? I CAN'T STAND A MAN WHO DOESN'T HAVE A SCAR.

I CAN'T STAND A MAN WHO DOESN'T HAVE A SCAR. [DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS]

SAY, LISTEN, I GOT A SCAR RIGHT HERE WHERE I FELL OFF A SCOOTER.

RIGHT HERE WHERE I FELL OFF A SCOOTER. YOU LOOK LIKE YOU COMB YOUR

SCOOTER. YOU LOOK LIKE YOU COMB YOUR HAIR WITH BUTTERED TOAST.

YOU LOOK LIKE YOU COMB YOUR HAIR WITH BUTTERED TOAST. HEY, YOU WANT TO SEE SCARS,

HAIR WITH BUTTERED TOAST. HEY, YOU WANT TO SEE SCARS, BABY?

HEY, YOU WANT TO SEE SCARS, BABY? I GOT SCARS...

BABY? I GOT SCARS... EAT MY HAIRNET, JOCKO.

I GOT SCARS... EAT MY HAIRNET, JOCKO. MINX.

EAT MY HAIRNET, JOCKO. MINX. VIXEN.

MINX. VIXEN. A BIT SLICK FOR MY TASTES.

VIXEN. A BIT SLICK FOR MY TASTES. YEAH.

A BIT SLICK FOR MY TASTES. YEAH. HEY, FELLAS, YOU KNOW WHAT

YEAH. HEY, FELLAS, YOU KNOW WHAT REALLY GETS ME HOT?

HEY, FELLAS, YOU KNOW WHAT REALLY GETS ME HOT? GUYS WHO CAN'T SOLVE CRIMES.

REALLY GETS ME HOT? GUYS WHO CAN'T SOLVE CRIMES. THERE'S SOMETHING ABOUT

GUYS WHO CAN'T SOLVE CRIMES. THERE'S SOMETHING ABOUT BUMBLING, DIM-WITTED DETECTIVES

THERE'S SOMETHING ABOUT BUMBLING, DIM-WITTED DETECTIVES THAT REALLY GUNS MY MOTOR.

BUMBLING, DIM-WITTED DETECTIVES THAT REALLY GUNS MY MOTOR. WELL, LOPEZ, WHO DO YOU THINK

THAT REALLY GUNS MY MOTOR. WELL, LOPEZ, WHO DO YOU THINK SNUFFED THE PROFESSOR?

WELL, LOPEZ, WHO DO YOU THINK SNUFFED THE PROFESSOR? BEATS ME.

SNUFFED THE PROFESSOR? BEATS ME. I HAVEN'T THE VAGUEST IDEA.

BEATS ME. I HAVEN'T THE VAGUEST IDEA. WHAT ABOUT YOURSELF?

I HAVEN'T THE VAGUEST IDEA. WHAT ABOUT YOURSELF? YOU GOT ME, PAL.

WHAT ABOUT YOURSELF? YOU GOT ME, PAL. I DON'T KNOW.

YOU GOT ME, PAL. I DON'T KNOW. MAYBE OUR VIEWING AND STUDIO

I DON'T KNOW. MAYBE OUR VIEWING AND STUDIO AUDIENCE KNOWS.

MAYBE OUR VIEWING AND STUDIO AUDIENCE KNOWS. I'M GOING TO GIVE THEM JUST 20

AUDIENCE KNOWS. I'M GOING TO GIVE THEM JUST 20 SECONDS TO COME UP WITH THE

I'M GOING TO GIVE THEM JUST 20 SECONDS TO COME UP WITH THE RIGHT ANSWER, STARTING NOW.

[BUZZER SOUNDS] TIME'S UP. DON PARDO, WHY DON'T YOU TELL

TIME'S UP. DON PARDO, WHY DON'T YOU TELL THE FOLKS WHO THE MURDERER IS?

DON PARDO, WHY DON'T YOU TELL THE FOLKS WHO THE MURDERER IS? Announcer: I HAVE NO IDEA.

THE FOLKS WHO THE MURDERER IS? Announcer: I HAVE NO IDEA. I'M STUMPED.

Announcer: I HAVE NO IDEA. I'M STUMPED. ME, TOO.

I'M STUMPED. ME, TOO. I'M COMPLETELY BAFFLED.

ME, TOO. I'M COMPLETELY BAFFLED. TOTALLY NONPLUSSED.

I'M COMPLETELY BAFFLED. TOTALLY NONPLUSSED. Announcer: I DO HAVE A SCAR,

TOTALLY NONPLUSSED. Announcer: I DO HAVE A SCAR, HOWEVER.

Announcer: I DO HAVE A SCAR, HOWEVER. COME ON.

HOWEVER. COME ON. LET'S GET OUT OF THIS DUMP.

COME ON. LET'S GET OUT OF THIS DUMP. YOU CAN TEACH ME HOW TO PLAY

LET'S GET OUT OF THIS DUMP. YOU CAN TEACH ME HOW TO PLAY "STUFF THE BUNNY."

YOU CAN TEACH ME HOW TO PLAY "STUFF THE BUNNY." IT'S "TRAP THE CLAM."

"STUFF THE BUNNY." IT'S "TRAP THE CLAM." LISTEN, WE CAN PLAY 'EM

IT'S "TRAP THE CLAM." LISTEN, WE CAN PLAY 'EM ALL... "STUFF THE BUNNY," "TRAP

LISTEN, WE CAN PLAY 'EM ALL... "STUFF THE BUNNY," "TRAP THE CLAM."

ALL... "STUFF THE BUNNY," "TRAP THE CLAM." "SWALLOW THE SWAN."

THE CLAM." "SWALLOW THE SWAN." SURE! "SWALLOW THE SWAN."

"SWALLOW THE SWAN." SURE! "SWALLOW THE SWAN." I DON'T THINK I KNOW "SWALLOW

SURE! "SWALLOW THE SWAN." I DON'T THINK I KNOW "SWALLOW THE SWAN."

Announcer: NEXT WEEK, SEE

MIKE TACKLE THE MYSTERY OF THE

ONE-ARMED JAPANESE AQUA MAID

ON...

THIS HANDSOME 3-PIECE SUIT WITH DIGITAL VEST IS AVAILABLE ONLY THROUGH DON PARDO'S DIGITAL GIFT

DIGITAL VEST IS AVAILABLE ONLY THROUGH DON PARDO'S DIGITAL GIFT CATALOGUE.

THROUGH DON PARDO'S DIGITAL GIFT CATALOGUE. $129.95 AT ALL OUTLETS.

CATALOGUE. $129.95 AT ALL OUTLETS. [INTRODUCTION TO "SILVER BELLS"

$129.95 AT ALL OUTLETS. [INTRODUCTION TO "SILVER BELLS" PLAYS]

[INTRODUCTION TO "SILVER BELLS" PLAYS] ♪ CHRISTMAS MAKES YOU FEEL

[PLAYS] ♪ CHRISTMAS MAKES YOU FEEL EMOTIONAL ♪

♪ CHRISTMAS MAKES YOU FEEL EMOTIONAL ♪ ♪ IT MAY BRING PARTIES

EMOTIONAL ♪ ♪ IT MAY BRING PARTIES OR THOUGHTS DEVOTIONAL ♪

♪ IT MAY BRING PARTIES OR THOUGHTS DEVOTIONAL ♪ ♪ WHATEVER HAPPENS OR WHAT MAY

OR THOUGHTS DEVOTIONAL ♪ ♪ WHATEVER HAPPENS OR WHAT MAY BE ♪

♪ WHATEVER HAPPENS OR WHAT MAY BE ♪ ♪ HERE IS WHAT CHRISTMASTIME

BE ♪ ♪ HERE IS WHAT CHRISTMASTIME MEANS TO ME ♪

♪ HERE IS WHAT CHRISTMASTIME MEANS TO ME ♪ ♪ CITY SIDEWALKS ♪

MEANS TO ME ♪ ♪ CITY SIDEWALKS ♪ ♪ BUSY SIDEWALKS ♪

♪ CITY SIDEWALKS ♪ ♪ BUSY SIDEWALKS ♪ ♪ DRESSED IN HOLIDAY STYLE ♪

♪ BUSY SIDEWALKS ♪ ♪ DRESSED IN HOLIDAY STYLE ♪ ♪ IN THE AIR THERE'S A FEELING

♪ DRESSED IN HOLIDAY STYLE ♪ ♪ IN THE AIR THERE'S A FEELING OF CHRISTMAS ♪

♪ IN THE AIR THERE'S A FEELING OF CHRISTMAS ♪ ♪ CHILDREN LAUGHING ♪

OF CHRISTMAS ♪ ♪ CHILDREN LAUGHING ♪ ♪ PEOPLE PASSING ♪

♪ CHILDREN LAUGHING ♪ ♪ PEOPLE PASSING ♪ ♪ MEETING SMILE AFTER SMILE ♪

♪ PEOPLE PASSING ♪ ♪ MEETING SMILE AFTER SMILE ♪ ♪ AND ON EVERY STREET CORNER

♪ MEETING SMILE AFTER SMILE ♪ ♪ AND ON EVERY STREET CORNER YOU HEAR ♪

♪ AND ON EVERY STREET CORNER YOU HEAR ♪ ♪ SILVER BELLS ♪

YOU HEAR ♪ ♪ SILVER BELLS ♪ ♪ SILVER BELLS ♪

♪ SILVER BELLS ♪ ♪ SILVER BELLS ♪ ♪ SILVER BELLS ♪

♪ SILVER BELLS ♪ ♪ SILVER BELLS ♪ ♪ SILVER BELLS ♪

♪ SILVER BELLS ♪ ♪ SILVER BELLS ♪ ♪ IT'S CHRISTMASTIME IN THE

♪ SILVER BELLS ♪ ♪ IT'S CHRISTMASTIME IN THE CITY ♪

♪ IT'S CHRISTMASTIME IN THE CITY ♪ ♪ RING-A-LING ♪

CITY ♪ ♪ RING-A-LING ♪ ♪ RING-A-LING ♪

♪ RING-A-LING ♪ ♪ RING-A-LING ♪ ♪ HEAR THEM RING ♪

♪ RING-A-LING ♪ ♪ HEAR THEM RING ♪ ♪ HEAR THEM RING ♪

♪ HEAR THEM RING ♪ ♪ HEAR THEM RING ♪ ♪ SOON IT WILL BE CHRISTMAS

♪ HEAR THEM RING ♪ ♪ SOON IT WILL BE CHRISTMAS DAY ♪

♪ SOON IT WILL BE CHRISTMAS DAY ♪ ♪ STRINGS OF STREETLIGHTS,

DAY ♪ ♪ STRINGS OF STREETLIGHTS, EVEN STOPLIGHTS ♪

♪ STRINGS OF STREETLIGHTS, EVEN STOPLIGHTS ♪ ♪ BLINK A BRIGHT RED AND GREEN ♪

EVEN STOPLIGHTS ♪ ♪ BLINK A BRIGHT RED AND GREEN ♪ ♪ AS THE SHOPPERS RUSH HOME WITH

♪ BLINK A BRIGHT RED AND GREEN ♪ ♪ AS THE SHOPPERS RUSH HOME WITH ALL THEIR TREASURES ♪

♪ AS THE SHOPPERS RUSH HOME WITH ALL THEIR TREASURES ♪ ♪ HEAR THE SNOW CRUNCH ♪

ALL THEIR TREASURES ♪ ♪ HEAR THE SNOW CRUNCH ♪ ♪ SEE THE KIDS BUNCH ♪

♪ HEAR THE SNOW CRUNCH ♪ ♪ SEE THE KIDS BUNCH ♪ ♪ THIS IS SANTA'S BIG SCENE ♪

♪ SEE THE KIDS BUNCH ♪ ♪ THIS IS SANTA'S BIG SCENE ♪ ♪ AND ABOVE ALL THIS BUSTLE

♪ THIS IS SANTA'S BIG SCENE ♪ ♪ AND ABOVE ALL THIS BUSTLE YOU HEAR ♪

♪ AND ABOVE ALL THIS BUSTLE YOU HEAR ♪ ♪ BEAUTIFUL SILVER BELLS ♪

YOU HEAR ♪ ♪ BEAUTIFUL SILVER BELLS ♪ ♪ SILVER BELLS ♪

♪ BEAUTIFUL SILVER BELLS ♪ ♪ SILVER BELLS ♪ ♪ SILVER BELLS ♪

♪ SILVER BELLS ♪ ♪ SILVER BELLS ♪ ♪ SILVER BELLS ♪

♪ SILVER BELLS ♪ ♪ SILVER BELLS ♪ ♪ IT'S CHRISTMASTIME IN THE

♪ SILVER BELLS ♪ ♪ IT'S CHRISTMASTIME IN THE CITY ♪

♪ IT'S CHRISTMASTIME IN THE CITY ♪ ♪ RING-A-LING ♪

CITY ♪ ♪ RING-A-LING ♪ ♪ RING-A-LING ♪

♪ RING-A-LING ♪ ♪ RING-A-LING ♪ ♪ HEAR THEM RING ♪

♪ RING-A-LING ♪ ♪ HEAR THEM RING ♪ ♪ HEAR THEM RING ♪

♪ HEAR THEM RING ♪ ♪ HEAR THEM RING ♪ ♪ SOON IT WILL BE CHRISTMAS

♪ HEAR THEM RING ♪ ♪ SOON IT WILL BE CHRISTMAS DAY ♪

♪ SOON IT WILL BE CHRISTMAS DAY ♪ ♪ SOON IT WILL BE CHRISTMAS

DAY ♪ ♪ SOON IT WILL BE CHRISTMAS DAY ♪

♪ SOON IT WILL BE CHRISTMAS DAY ♪ [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

SINCE CHRISTMAS IS A TRADITIONAL TIME FOR OVEREATING, WE HAVE NONE OTHER THAN THE

TRADITIONAL TIME FOR OVEREATING, WE HAVE NONE OTHER THAN THE GREAT GILDA HERE TO TELL YOU HOW

WE HAVE NONE OTHER THAN THE GREAT GILDA HERE TO TELL YOU HOW NOT TO DO IT.

GREAT GILDA HERE TO TELL YOU HOW NOT TO DO IT. LAST CHRISTMAS, I WENT TO MY

NOT TO DO IT. LAST CHRISTMAS, I WENT TO MY COUSIN LENORE'S HOUSE FOR

LAST CHRISTMAS, I WENT TO MY COUSIN LENORE'S HOUSE FOR DINNER, AND I WAS REAL GOOD.

COUSIN LENORE'S HOUSE FOR DINNER, AND I WAS REAL GOOD. I JUST HAD A SALAD WITH NO

DINNER, AND I WAS REAL GOOD. I JUST HAD A SALAD WITH NO DRESSING, AND I HAD THREE PIECES

I JUST HAD A SALAD WITH NO DRESSING, AND I HAD THREE PIECES OF THE WHITE MEAT OF TURKEY, AND

DRESSING, AND I HAD THREE PIECES OF THE WHITE MEAT OF TURKEY, AND I DIDN'T HAVE ANY STUFFING...

OF THE WHITE MEAT OF TURKEY, AND I DIDN'T HAVE ANY STUFFING... EXCEPT FOR THIS LITTLE PIECE

I DIDN'T HAVE ANY STUFFING... EXCEPT FOR THIS LITTLE PIECE THAT GOT STUCK ON THE MEAT, AND

EXCEPT FOR THIS LITTLE PIECE THAT GOT STUCK ON THE MEAT, AND IT WASN'T MY FAULT.

THAT GOT STUCK ON THE MEAT, AND IT WASN'T MY FAULT. AND THEN I HAD ONE CANDIED YAM,

IT WASN'T MY FAULT. AND THEN I HAD ONE CANDIED YAM, BUT I SCRAPED ALL THE CANDIED

AND THEN I HAD ONE CANDIED YAM, BUT I SCRAPED ALL THE CANDIED PART OFF, AND I DIPPED IT IN A

BUT I SCRAPED ALL THE CANDIED PART OFF, AND I DIPPED IT IN A GLASS OF WATER BEFORE I ATE IT.

PART OFF, AND I DIPPED IT IN A GLASS OF WATER BEFORE I ATE IT. AND ON THE TABLE, THERE WAS THIS

GLASS OF WATER BEFORE I ATE IT. AND ON THE TABLE, THERE WAS THIS BOWL OF MIXED NUTS, THE KIND

AND ON THE TABLE, THERE WAS THIS BOWL OF MIXED NUTS, THE KIND THAT YOU CRACK YOURSELF, SO I

BOWL OF MIXED NUTS, THE KIND THAT YOU CRACK YOURSELF, SO I HAD ONE PECAN.

THAT YOU CRACK YOURSELF, SO I HAD ONE PECAN. BUT BY ACCIDENT, MY TONGUE

HAD ONE PECAN. BUT BY ACCIDENT, MY TONGUE TOUCHED THE PART THAT WASN'T THE

BUT BY ACCIDENT, MY TONGUE TOUCHED THE PART THAT WASN'T THE NUT PART, AND MY MOUTH GOT REAL

TOUCHED THE PART THAT WASN'T THE NUT PART, AND MY MOUTH GOT REAL DRY, AND I HAD TO WASH IT DOWN

NUT PART, AND MY MOUTH GOT REAL DRY, AND I HAD TO WASH IT DOWN WITH SOME PUMPKIN PIE.

DRY, AND I HAD TO WASH IT DOWN WITH SOME PUMPKIN PIE. AND THEN I HAD JUST A BLACK CUP

WITH SOME PUMPKIN PIE. AND THEN I HAD JUST A BLACK CUP OF COFFEE WITH TWO SWEET'N LOWS

AND THEN I HAD JUST A BLACK CUP OF COFFEE WITH TWO SWEET'N LOWS IN IT.

OF COFFEE WITH TWO SWEET'N LOWS IN IT. AND THEN ON MY WAY HOME, I HAD

IN IT. AND THEN ON MY WAY HOME, I HAD TO GO TO THE BATHROOM, SO I

AND THEN ON MY WAY HOME, I HAD TO GO TO THE BATHROOM, SO I STOPPED OFF AT THIS LADIES' ROOM

TO GO TO THE BATHROOM, SO I STOPPED OFF AT THIS LADIES' ROOM THAT JUST HAPPENED TO BE

STOPPED OFF AT THIS LADIES' ROOM THAT JUST HAPPENED TO BE ATTACHED TO A HOWARD JOHNSON.

THAT JUST HAPPENED TO BE ATTACHED TO A HOWARD JOHNSON. I WENT IN, AND I ORDERED A

ATTACHED TO A HOWARD JOHNSON. I WENT IN, AND I ORDERED A FISHWICH.

I WENT IN, AND I ORDERED A FISHWICH. BUT I TOOK OFF THE ROLL, AND I

FISHWICH. BUT I TOOK OFF THE ROLL, AND I PICKED ALL THE BREADING OFF THE

BUT I TOOK OFF THE ROLL, AND I PICKED ALL THE BREADING OFF THE FISH, AND I JUST ATE THE FISH.

PICKED ALL THE BREADING OFF THE FISH, AND I JUST ATE THE FISH. AND THEN I ATE THE BREADING, AND

FISH, AND I JUST ATE THE FISH. AND THEN I ATE THE BREADING, AND THEN I PICKED ALL THE SESAME

AND THEN I ATE THE BREADING, AND THEN I PICKED ALL THE SESAME SEEDS OFF THE ROLL, AND THEN I

THEN I PICKED ALL THE SESAME SEEDS OFF THE ROLL, AND THEN I ATE THE ROLL.

SEEDS OFF THE ROLL, AND THEN I ATE THE ROLL. AND WHEN I GOT HOME, I COULDN'T

ATE THE ROLL. AND WHEN I GOT HOME, I COULDN'T SLEEP, SO I MADE MYSELF A GLASS

AND WHEN I GOT HOME, I COULDN'T SLEEP, SO I MADE MYSELF A GLASS OF WARM MILK.

SLEEP, SO I MADE MYSELF A GLASS OF WARM MILK. BUT I WAS STILL HUNGRY, SO I

OF WARM MILK. BUT I WAS STILL HUNGRY, SO I POURED SOME CEREAL IN IT.

BUT I WAS STILL HUNGRY, SO I POURED SOME CEREAL IN IT. UM, GILDA, I THINK WE HAVE TO

POURED SOME CEREAL IN IT. UM, GILDA, I THINK WE HAVE TO GET ON WITH THE REST OF THE SHOW

UM, GILDA, I THINK WE HAVE TO GET ON WITH THE REST OF THE SHOW NOW.

GET ON WITH THE REST OF THE SHOW NOW. [CLEARS THROAT]

NOW. [CLEARS THROAT] I WAS MAKING MYSELF SICK,

[CLEARS THROAT] I WAS MAKING MYSELF SICK, ACTUALLY.

I WAS MAKING MYSELF SICK, ACTUALLY. OKAY.

Announcer: AND NOW IT'S TIME

FOR...

GOOD EVENING, KITCHEN LOVERS. YOU KNOW, CHRISTMAS IS ONLY FIVE DAYS AWAY FROM TONIGHT.

YOU KNOW, CHRISTMAS IS ONLY FIVE DAYS AWAY FROM TONIGHT. MMM, CHRISTMAS.

DAYS AWAY FROM TONIGHT. MMM, CHRISTMAS. WHAT A DELICIOUS HOLIDAY.

MMM, CHRISTMAS. WHAT A DELICIOUS HOLIDAY. ROAST GOOSE, CHESTNUT PUREE.

WHAT A DELICIOUS HOLIDAY. ROAST GOOSE, CHESTNUT PUREE. AND WHAT CHRISTMAS WOULD BE

ROAST GOOSE, CHESTNUT PUREE. AND WHAT CHRISTMAS WOULD BE COMPLETE WITHOUT YUMMY

AND WHAT CHRISTMAS WOULD BE COMPLETE WITHOUT YUMMY YULE POEGENS?

COMPLETE WITHOUT YUMMY YULE POEGENS? OH, BOY, THAT'S A TANTALIZING

YULE POEGENS? OH, BOY, THAT'S A TANTALIZING COOKIE WHICH INSPIRES THE MEMORY

OH, BOY, THAT'S A TANTALIZING COOKIE WHICH INSPIRES THE MEMORY OF EFFERNUS AND THE LIP-SMACKING

COOKIE WHICH INSPIRES THE MEMORY OF EFFERNUS AND THE LIP-SMACKING FLAVOR OF AUFLOUFF.

OF EFFERNUS AND THE LIP-SMACKING FLAVOR OF AUFLOUFF. NOW, THE FIRST THING YOU DO IS

FLAVOR OF AUFLOUFF. NOW, THE FIRST THING YOU DO IS YOU TAKE YOUR BUTTERED COOKIE

NOW, THE FIRST THING YOU DO IS YOU TAKE YOUR BUTTERED COOKIE SHEET, ON WHICH YOU DOLLOP

YOU TAKE YOUR BUTTERED COOKIE SHEET, ON WHICH YOU DOLLOP LITTLE PLOOMPS OF BATTER, WHICH

SHEET, ON WHICH YOU DOLLOP LITTLE PLOOMPS OF BATTER, WHICH IS, OF COURSE, FRITZIE'S BASIC

LITTLE PLOOMPS OF BATTER, WHICH IS, OF COURSE, FRITZIE'S BASIC CREAMY-COOKIE CATALYST.

IS, OF COURSE, FRITZIE'S BASIC CREAMY-COOKIE CATALYST. OH, BOY, I TELL YOU.

CREAMY-COOKIE CATALYST. OH, BOY, I TELL YOU. FLUFFY EGGS...

OH, BOY, I TELL YOU. FLUFFY EGGS... FORTIFIED FLOUR...

FLUFFY EGGS... FORTIFIED FLOUR... AND PURE SUGAR.

FORTIFIED FLOUR... AND PURE SUGAR. DELICIOUS.

AND PURE SUGAR. DELICIOUS. I BET YOU THINK THAT'S ALL THERE

DELICIOUS. I BET YOU THINK THAT'S ALL THERE IS TO YULE YUMMIES.

I BET YOU THINK THAT'S ALL THERE IS TO YULE YUMMIES. WELL, YOU'RE WRONG!

IS TO YULE YUMMIES. WELL, YOU'RE WRONG! THEN YOU'VE GOT TO ADD YOUR

WELL, YOU'RE WRONG! THEN YOU'VE GOT TO ADD YOUR MOIST, CHEWY RAISINS.

THEN YOU'VE GOT TO ADD YOUR MOIST, CHEWY RAISINS. OH, YUMMY, YUMMY.

MOIST, CHEWY RAISINS. OH, YUMMY, YUMMY. BOY, OH, BOY.

OH, YUMMY, YUMMY. BOY, OH, BOY. AND YOUR PECANS.

BOY, OH, BOY. AND YOUR PECANS. I TELL YOU, YOU CAN'T FORGET

AND YOUR PECANS. I TELL YOU, YOU CAN'T FORGET THOSE, EITHER.

I TELL YOU, YOU CAN'T FORGET THOSE, EITHER. MMM! I'M IN PECAN HEAVEN.

THOSE, EITHER. MMM! I'M IN PECAN HEAVEN. NOW I BET YOU THINK THAT'S ALL

MMM! I'M IN PECAN HEAVEN. NOW I BET YOU THINK THAT'S ALL THERE IS TO YOUR COOKIE.

NOW I BET YOU THINK THAT'S ALL THERE IS TO YOUR COOKIE. WELL, YOU'RE WRONG!

THERE IS TO YOUR COOKIE. WELL, YOU'RE WRONG! YOU CAN'T FORGET YOUR MINIATURE

WELL, YOU'RE WRONG! YOU CAN'T FORGET YOUR MINIATURE MARSHMALLOWS.

YOU CAN'T FORGET YOUR MINIATURE MARSHMALLOWS. AND I DON'T MEAN THE BIG ONES.

MARSHMALLOWS. AND I DON'T MEAN THE BIG ONES. I MEAN THE PRECIOUS LITTLE ONES.

AND I DON'T MEAN THE BIG ONES. I MEAN THE PRECIOUS LITTLE ONES. MMM!

I MEAN THE PRECIOUS LITTLE ONES. MMM! AND, OF COURSE, YOUR CHOCOLATE

MMM! AND, OF COURSE, YOUR CHOCOLATE CHIPS.

AND, OF COURSE, YOUR CHOCOLATE CHIPS. SCRUMPTIOUS!

CHIPS. SCRUMPTIOUS! NOW, WHEN YOUR COOKIE ENTERS THE

SCRUMPTIOUS! NOW, WHEN YOUR COOKIE ENTERS THE OVEN, IT SHOULD LOOK LIKE THIS.

NOW, WHEN YOUR COOKIE ENTERS THE OVEN, IT SHOULD LOOK LIKE THIS. AND WHEN IT'S FINISHED...

OVEN, IT SHOULD LOOK LIKE THIS. AND WHEN IT'S FINISHED... IT SHOULD LOOK LIKE THIS.

AND WHEN IT'S FINISHED... IT SHOULD LOOK LIKE THIS. I TELL YOU, IT'S THE PERFECT

IT SHOULD LOOK LIKE THIS. I TELL YOU, IT'S THE PERFECT THING TO FOLLOW A DELICIOUS MEAL

I TELL YOU, IT'S THE PERFECT THING TO FOLLOW A DELICIOUS MEAL OF ROAST GOOSE.

THING TO FOLLOW A DELICIOUS MEAL OF ROAST GOOSE. HAVE A MERRY CHRISTMAS.

OF ROAST GOOSE. HAVE A MERRY CHRISTMAS. AND REMEMBER... SNIP, SNAP,

HAVE A MERRY CHRISTMAS. AND REMEMBER... SNIP, SNAP, SNORUM, HEY COCKALORUM.

YOU FIND! YOU STUN! YOU CUT! YOU BROIL! STEAKS THE WAY YOU'VE ALWAYS

YOU CUT! YOU BROIL! STEAKS THE WAY YOU'VE ALWAYS WANTED THEM!

STEAKS THE WAY YOU'VE ALWAYS WANTED THEM! CUSTOM-CUT TO YOUR TASTE AND

WANTED THEM! CUSTOM-CUT TO YOUR TASTE AND SIZE!

CUSTOM-CUT TO YOUR TASTE AND SIZE! WE MAKE IT EASY.

SIZE! WE MAKE IT EASY. YOU GET PROD, APRON, BOARD, AND

WE MAKE IT EASY. YOU GET PROD, APRON, BOARD, AND SAW!

YOU GET PROD, APRON, BOARD, AND SAW! YOU FIND! YOU STUN! YOU CUT!

SAW! YOU FIND! YOU STUN! YOU CUT! NO MISTAKES!

YOU FIND! YOU STUN! YOU CUT! NO MISTAKES! YOU DO THE CUTTING!

NO MISTAKES! YOU DO THE CUTTING! NO EXCESS FAT!

YOU DO THE CUTTING! NO EXCESS FAT! THE MOST SATISFYING CHARBROILERS

NO EXCESS FAT! THE MOST SATISFYING CHARBROILERS YOU'VE EVER EATEN!

YOU CUT!

YOU BROIL!

MEL'S CHAR PALACE... ROUTE 17

AND 15, PARAMUS.

[CHAIN SAW BUZZING]

WE USUALLY THINK OF CHRISTMAS IN TERMS OF CHILDREN, BUT THERE'S A GROUP OF HUMANS AT THE

IN TERMS OF CHILDREN, BUT THERE'S A GROUP OF HUMANS AT THE OTHER END OF LIFE, WHICH IS OUR

THERE'S A GROUP OF HUMANS AT THE OTHER END OF LIFE, WHICH IS OUR OLD PEOPLE.

OTHER END OF LIFE, WHICH IS OUR OLD PEOPLE. THEY'RE THE FASTEST-GROWING

OLD PEOPLE. THEY'RE THE FASTEST-GROWING MINORITY IN OUR COUNTRY, AND I'D

THEY'RE THE FASTEST-GROWING MINORITY IN OUR COUNTRY, AND I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET SOMEONE VERY

MINORITY IN OUR COUNTRY, AND I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET SOMEONE VERY SPECIAL WHO'S NOW TRYING TO TAKE

LIKE YOU TO MEET SOMEONE VERY SPECIAL WHO'S NOW TRYING TO TAKE CARE OF THEM.

SPECIAL WHO'S NOW TRYING TO TAKE CARE OF THEM. SHE'S RESPONSIBLE FOR A GROUP OF

CARE OF THEM. SHE'S RESPONSIBLE FOR A GROUP OF OLD PEOPLE CALLED THE GRAY

SHE'S RESPONSIBLE FOR A GROUP OF OLD PEOPLE CALLED THE GRAY PANTHERS.

OLD PEOPLE CALLED THE GRAY PANTHERS. I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET

PANTHERS. I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET MS. MAGGIE KUHN.

I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET MS. MAGGIE KUHN. [APPLAUSE]

NOW, MAGGIE, IF YOU COULD GIVE US ANYTHING FOR CHRISTMAS, WHAT WOULD YOU CHOOSE?

US ANYTHING FOR CHRISTMAS, WHAT WOULD YOU CHOOSE? I'D LIKE TO GIVE EVERYBODY

WOULD YOU CHOOSE? I'D LIKE TO GIVE EVERYBODY HERE... YOUNG PEOPLE,

I'D LIKE TO GIVE EVERYBODY HERE... YOUNG PEOPLE, MIDDLE-AGED PEOPLE, OLD

HERE... YOUNG PEOPLE, MIDDLE-AGED PEOPLE, OLD PEOPLE... A WHOLLY NEW VIEW

MIDDLE-AGED PEOPLE, OLD PEOPLE... A WHOLLY NEW VIEW ABOUT AGE, GETTING OLD.

PEOPLE... A WHOLLY NEW VIEW ABOUT AGE, GETTING OLD. OUR SOCIETY STEREOTYPES AND

ABOUT AGE, GETTING OLD. OUR SOCIETY STEREOTYPES AND SEGREGATES US BY AGE FROM

OUR SOCIETY STEREOTYPES AND SEGREGATES US BY AGE FROM BABYHOOD.

SEGREGATES US BY AGE FROM BABYHOOD. LOTS OF US FEAR GETTING OLD.

BABYHOOD. LOTS OF US FEAR GETTING OLD. WE'RE TERRIFIED ABOUT WRINKLES

LOTS OF US FEAR GETTING OLD. WE'RE TERRIFIED ABOUT WRINKLES AND GRAY HAIR.

WE'RE TERRIFIED ABOUT WRINKLES AND GRAY HAIR. I AM.

AND GRAY HAIR. I AM. DON'T BE, CANDY, REALLY DON'T

I AM. DON'T BE, CANDY, REALLY DON'T BE.

DON'T BE, CANDY, REALLY DON'T BE. NOBODY HERE SHOULD BE AFRAID.

BE. NOBODY HERE SHOULD BE AFRAID. I WOULD LIKE TO GIVE EVERYBODY

NOBODY HERE SHOULD BE AFRAID. I WOULD LIKE TO GIVE EVERYBODY WHO HAS COPPED OUT, YOU KNOW,

I WOULD LIKE TO GIVE EVERYBODY WHO HAS COPPED OUT, YOU KNOW, AND GIVEN UP... AND THERE ARE

WHO HAS COPPED OUT, YOU KNOW, AND GIVEN UP... AND THERE ARE YOUNG PEOPLE WHO HAVE GIVEN

AND GIVEN UP... AND THERE ARE YOUNG PEOPLE WHO HAVE GIVEN UP... I'D LIKE TO GIVE EVERYBODY

YOUNG PEOPLE WHO HAVE GIVEN UP... I'D LIKE TO GIVE EVERYBODY A BIG SHOT IN THE ARM OF

UP... I'D LIKE TO GIVE EVERYBODY A BIG SHOT IN THE ARM OF COURAGE AND GUTS TO BE INVOLVED,

A BIG SHOT IN THE ARM OF COURAGE AND GUTS TO BE INVOLVED, TO GET TO WORK TO HEAL THIS

COURAGE AND GUTS TO BE INVOLVED, TO GET TO WORK TO HEAL THIS SICK, OLD WORLD OF OURS.

TO GET TO WORK TO HEAL THIS SICK, OLD WORLD OF OURS. [APPLAUSE]

CANDY, I'D LIKE TO GIVE EVERY OLD, LONELY PERSON A NEW YOUNG FRIEND FOR CHRISTMAS.

OLD, LONELY PERSON A NEW YOUNG FRIEND FOR CHRISTMAS. WELL, I'D LIKE TO GIVE...

FRIEND FOR CHRISTMAS. WELL, I'D LIKE TO GIVE... SPEAKING AS A YOUNG PERSON... I

WELL, I'D LIKE TO GIVE... SPEAKING AS A YOUNG PERSON... I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE AN OLD FRIEND

SPEAKING AS A YOUNG PERSON... I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE AN OLD FRIEND FOR CHRISTMAS.

WOULD LIKE TO HAVE AN OLD FRIEND FOR CHRISTMAS. PERHAPS YOU AND I COULD BE

FOR CHRISTMAS. PERHAPS YOU AND I COULD BE FRIENDS.

PERHAPS YOU AND I COULD BE FRIENDS. [APPLAUSE]

OUR BODIES SOMETIMES SLOW DOWN. MINE'S CRIPPLED WITH ARTHRITIS.

DOWN. MINE'S CRIPPLED WITH ARTHRITIS. BUT THERE'S NO EXCUSE FOR NOT

MINE'S CRIPPLED WITH ARTHRITIS. BUT THERE'S NO EXCUSE FOR NOT KEEPING OUR MINDS AND OUR

BUT THERE'S NO EXCUSE FOR NOT KEEPING OUR MINDS AND OUR SPIRITS ALIVE.

KEEPING OUR MINDS AND OUR SPIRITS ALIVE. WE'VE GOT TO KEEP ON GROWING AND

SPIRITS ALIVE. WE'VE GOT TO KEEP ON GROWING AND DEVELOPING AND LEARNING UNTIL

WE'VE GOT TO KEEP ON GROWING AND DEVELOPING AND LEARNING UNTIL RIGOR MORTIS SETS IN.

DEVELOPING AND LEARNING UNTIL RIGOR MORTIS SETS IN. REALLY.

RIGOR MORTIS SETS IN. REALLY. AND I'D LIKE TO JUST GIVE YOU

REALLY. AND I'D LIKE TO JUST GIVE YOU THE GRAY PANTHER SIGN-OFF.

AND I'D LIKE TO JUST GIVE YOU THE GRAY PANTHER SIGN-OFF. THE GRAY PANTHER SIGN-OFF.

THE GRAY PANTHER SIGN-OFF. THE GRAY PANTHER SIGN-OFF. OFF YOUR ASSES.

THE GRAY PANTHER SIGN-OFF. OFF YOUR ASSES. [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

OUR IDOL. CHRISTMAS TRADITIONALLY, REALLY, MEANS HOME, I THINK, FOR ALL OF

CHRISTMAS TRADITIONALLY, REALLY, MEANS HOME, I THINK, FOR ALL OF US, AND WE HAVE A FILM FOR YOU

MEANS HOME, I THINK, FOR ALL OF US, AND WE HAVE A FILM FOR YOU NOW BY "SATURDAY NIGHT'S" STAFF

US, AND WE HAVE A FILM FOR YOU NOW BY "SATURDAY NIGHT'S" STAFF THAT IN TWO MINUTES SAYS MORE

NOW BY "SATURDAY NIGHT'S" STAFF THAT IN TWO MINUTES SAYS MORE ABOUT HOME AND HUMANITY THAN

THAT IN TWO MINUTES SAYS MORE ABOUT HOME AND HUMANITY THAN MOST.

ABOUT HOME AND HUMANITY THAN MOST. HERE WE ARE.

MOST. HERE WE ARE. [INTRODUCTION TO

HERE WE ARE. [INTRODUCTION TO SIMON & GARFUNKEL'S

[INTRODUCTION TO SIMON & GARFUNKEL'S "HOMEWARD BOUND" PLAYS]

[SIMON & GARFUNKEL'S "HOMEWARD BOUND" PLAYS] ♪ I'M SITTING IN THE RAILWAY

["HOMEWARD BOUND" PLAYS] ♪ I'M SITTING IN THE RAILWAY STATION ♪

♪ I'M SITTING IN THE RAILWAY STATION ♪ ♪ GOT A TICKET FOR MY

STATION ♪ ♪ GOT A TICKET FOR MY DESTINATION ♪

♪ GOT A TICKET FOR MY DESTINATION ♪ ♪ MMM ♪

DESTINATION ♪ ♪ MMM ♪ ♪ ON A TOUR OF ONE-NIGHT

♪ MMM ♪ ♪ ON A TOUR OF ONE-NIGHT STANDS ♪

♪ ON A TOUR OF ONE-NIGHT STANDS ♪ ♪ MY SUITCASE AND GUITAR IN

STANDS ♪ ♪ MY SUITCASE AND GUITAR IN HAND ♪

♪ MY SUITCASE AND GUITAR IN HAND ♪ ♪ AND EVERY STOP IS NEATLY

HAND ♪ ♪ AND EVERY STOP IS NEATLY PLANNED ♪

♪ AND EVERY STOP IS NEATLY PLANNED ♪ ♪ FOR A POET AND ONE-MAN BAND ♪

PLANNED ♪ ♪ FOR A POET AND ONE-MAN BAND ♪ ♪ HOMEWARD BOUND ♪

♪ FOR A POET AND ONE-MAN BAND ♪ ♪ HOMEWARD BOUND ♪ ♪ I WISH I WAS ♪

♪ HOMEWARD BOUND ♪ ♪ I WISH I WAS ♪ ♪ HOMEWARD BOUND ♪

♪ I WISH I WAS ♪ ♪ HOMEWARD BOUND ♪ ♪ HOME ♪

♪ HOMEWARD BOUND ♪ ♪ HOME ♪ ♪ WHERE MY THOUGHT'S ESCAPING ♪

♪ HOME ♪ ♪ WHERE MY THOUGHT'S ESCAPING ♪ ♪ HOME ♪

♪ WHERE MY THOUGHT'S ESCAPING ♪ ♪ HOME ♪ ♪ WHERE MY MUSIC'S PLAYING ♪

♪ HOME ♪ ♪ WHERE MY MUSIC'S PLAYING ♪ ♪ HOME ♪

♪ WHERE MY MUSIC'S PLAYING ♪ ♪ HOME ♪ ♪ WHERE MY LOVE LIES WAITING

♪ HOME ♪ ♪ WHERE MY LOVE LIES WAITING SILENTLY FOR ME ♪

♪ WHERE MY LOVE LIES WAITING SILENTLY FOR ME ♪ ♪ EVERY DAY'S AN ENDLESS

SILENTLY FOR ME ♪ ♪ EVERY DAY'S AN ENDLESS STREAM OF CIGARETTES

♪ EVERY DAY'S AN ENDLESS STREAM OF CIGARETTES AND MAGAZINES ♪

STREAM OF CIGARETTES AND MAGAZINES ♪ ♪ MMM ♪

AND MAGAZINES ♪ ♪ MMM ♪ ♪ AND EACH TOWN LOOKS

♪ MMM ♪ ♪ AND EACH TOWN LOOKS THE SAME TO ME ♪

♪ AND EACH TOWN LOOKS THE SAME TO ME ♪ ♪ THE MOVIES AND THE FACTORIES ♪

THE SAME TO ME ♪ ♪ THE MOVIES AND THE FACTORIES ♪ ♪ AND EVERY STRANGER'S FACE I

♪ THE MOVIES AND THE FACTORIES ♪ ♪ AND EVERY STRANGER'S FACE I SEE ♪

♪ AND EVERY STRANGER'S FACE I SEE ♪ ♪ REMINDS ME THAT I LONG TO BE ♪

SEE ♪ ♪ REMINDS ME THAT I LONG TO BE ♪ ♪ HOMEWARD BOUND ♪

♪ REMINDS ME THAT I LONG TO BE ♪ ♪ HOMEWARD BOUND ♪ ♪ I WISH I WAS ♪

♪ HOMEWARD BOUND ♪ ♪ I WISH I WAS ♪ ♪ HOMEWARD BOUND ♪

♪ I WISH I WAS ♪ ♪ HOMEWARD BOUND ♪ ♪ HOME ♪

♪ HOMEWARD BOUND ♪ ♪ HOME ♪ ♪ WHERE MY THOUGHT'S ESCAPING ♪

♪ HOME ♪ ♪ WHERE MY THOUGHT'S ESCAPING ♪ ♪ HOME ♪

♪ WHERE MY THOUGHT'S ESCAPING ♪ ♪ HOME ♪ ♪ WHERE MY MUSIC'S PLAYING ♪

♪ HOME ♪ ♪ WHERE MY MUSIC'S PLAYING ♪ ♪ HOME ♪

♪ WHERE MY MUSIC'S PLAYING ♪ ♪ HOME ♪ ♪ WHERE MY LOVE LIES WAITING

♪ HOME ♪ ♪ WHERE MY LOVE LIES WAITING SILENTLY FOR ME ♪

♪ WHERE MY LOVE LIES WAITING SILENTLY FOR ME ♪ ♪ TONIGHT I'LL SING MY SONGS

SILENTLY FOR ME ♪ ♪ TONIGHT I'LL SING MY SONGS AGAIN ♪

♪ TONIGHT I'LL SING MY SONGS AGAIN ♪ ♪ I'LL PLAY THE GAME AND

AGAIN ♪ ♪ I'LL PLAY THE GAME AND PRETEND ♪

♪ I'LL PLAY THE GAME AND PRETEND ♪ ♪ MMM ♪

PRETEND ♪ ♪ MMM ♪ ♪ BUT ALL MY WORDS COME BACK

♪ MMM ♪ ♪ BUT ALL MY WORDS COME BACK TO ME ♪

♪ BUT ALL MY WORDS COME BACK TO ME ♪ ♪ IN SHADES OF MEDIOCRITY ♪

TO ME ♪ ♪ IN SHADES OF MEDIOCRITY ♪ ♪ LIKE EMPTINESS IN HARMONY ♪

♪ IN SHADES OF MEDIOCRITY ♪ ♪ LIKE EMPTINESS IN HARMONY ♪ ♪ I NEED SOMEONE TO COMFORT ME ♪

♪ LIKE EMPTINESS IN HARMONY ♪ ♪ I NEED SOMEONE TO COMFORT ME ♪ ♪ HOMEWARD BOUND ♪

♪ I NEED SOMEONE TO COMFORT ME ♪ ♪ HOMEWARD BOUND ♪ ♪ I WISH I WAS ♪

♪ HOMEWARD BOUND ♪ ♪ I WISH I WAS ♪ ♪ HOMEWARD BOUND ♪

♪ I WISH I WAS ♪ ♪ HOMEWARD BOUND ♪ ♪ HOME ♪

♪ HOMEWARD BOUND ♪ ♪ HOME ♪ ♪ WHERE MY THOUGHT'S ESCAPING ♪

♪ HOME ♪ ♪ WHERE MY THOUGHT'S ESCAPING ♪ ♪ HOME ♪

♪ WHERE MY THOUGHT'S ESCAPING ♪ ♪ HOME ♪ ♪ WHERE MY MUSIC'S PLAYING ♪

♪ HOME ♪ ♪ WHERE MY MUSIC'S PLAYING ♪ ♪ HOME ♪

♪ WHERE MY MUSIC'S PLAYING ♪ ♪ HOME ♪ ♪ WHERE MY LOVE LIES WAITING

♪ HOME ♪ ♪ WHERE MY LOVE LIES WAITING SILENTLY FOR ME ♪

♪ WHERE MY LOVE LIES WAITING SILENTLY FOR ME ♪ ♪ SILENTLY FOR ME ♪

SILENTLY FOR ME ♪ ♪ SILENTLY FOR ME ♪ MERRY CHRISTMAS.

♪ SILENTLY FOR ME ♪ MERRY CHRISTMAS. [APPLAUSE]

[BAND PLAYS SOFTLY] [FEMALE SINGERS VOCALIZING]

MERRY CHRISTMAS, EVERYBODY. MERRY CHRISTMAS! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

Announcer: THE MUPPETS ARE

FRANK OZ, JERRY NELSON,

ALICE DINNEAN, FRAN BRILL,

RICHARD HUNT, AND JIM HENSON.

THIS IS DON PARDO SAYING...

HO, HO, HO!

HERE'S ME PERFORMING...

UPSIDE DOWN.